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Uncle Sam's visit 
 
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 ...U. 5. SENATE... 
 

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 TO 
 
 THE PRESENT 
 DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS, 
 THAT NOBLE BAND OF NEW-STYLE 
 PATRIOTS, WHOSE SYMPATHIES ARE SO 
 BROAD AS TO INCLUDE EVEN THEIR OWN POCKETS 
 AND THEMSELVES; AND WHOSE CALM AND 
 BENIGN INTELLIGENCE HAS ENABLED 
 THEM TO EVOLVE THE FOLLOW- 
 ING NEW POLITICAL 
 MAXIM: 
 
 ''TO DO NOTHING IS SAFER SOMETIMES THAN TO DO 
 SOMETHING," 
 
 THIS LITTLE BOOK IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED. 
 
 COPYKIGHT, 
 
To THE Gentle Reader: 
 
 The thought struck me some days ago, 
 
 Perchance the world would like to know 
 
 About the visit that was made — 
 
 (True! without any great parade) 
 
 By Uncle Sam who went to see 
 
 His servants who serve" Liberty; 
 
 When, harvest season being done, 
 
 He thought he'd see the goings-on 
 
 At a place called Washington. 
 
 For having read the daily papers, 
 
 He had heard about the capers 
 
 That the Senate had been playing. 
 
 Whilst he had been to work at haying; 
 
 But when the hay at last was stacked, 
 
 Said Uncle Sam; ''Now I'll be cracked, 
 
 If I don't jest go down and see, 
 
 About this 'ere tom-foolery, 
 
 Thet folks say is taking place, 
 
 In the law shop o' the race. 
 
 I don't know what's up, I am sure. 
 
 But politicks must be kept pure; 
 
 So guess I'll have to take a peek, 
 
 To see ef I kin find a leak." 
 
 So, laying out some shirts and collars. 
 
 Two pair of socks, and eighty dollars 
 
 Which he with thrift had laid away, 
 
To serve him 'gainst a rainy day, 
 
 And seizing his old carpet sack, 
 
 Uncle Sam began to pack. 
 
 And having packed, with grip in hand, 
 
 From his farm house in the North 
 
 Uncle Sam set gaily forth. 
 
 Toward the line of Dixie Land, 
 
 To see the town he used to know, 
 
 About a century ago. 
 
 He reached there safely, and straightway 
 
 Stowing his old grip away. 
 
 And having washed his hands and face, 
 
 He took a look around the place. 
 
 Nobody knew him there and so 
 
 He had a good time, you must know. 
 
 In getting at the ins and outs. 
 
 Of the scenery there-abouts. 
 
 With things that are and are not sainted 
 
 He at length became acquainted, 
 
 By following strictly, I may say. 
 
 The usual senatorial way. 
 
 Of taking a quiet interest in , 
 
 All living things from stocks to tin. 
 
 'Twas thus, alas, one eve while he 
 
 Was pondering in perplexity. 
 
 That Uncle Samuel was fated 
 
 To see the things herein related. 
 
Uncle Sam's Visit to the U. S. Senate 
 
 Upon the broad Potomac's shore, 
 
 One somber Autumn day, 
 With his hands thrust in his pockets, 
 
 In a manly sort of way, 
 Uncle Samuel stood thinking 
 
 Beside the silver sea. 
 And his visage was as rueful, 
 
 As ruefulness can be. 
 He was thinking how the statesmen 
 
 Of a certain Yankee Nation, 
 After long and dreary months 
 
 Of steady legislation, — 
 Or rather ages after 'twas 
 
 Supposed to have begun, — 
 Had talked about ten million things 
 
 And not done a blessed one. 
 
The more the plain and simple facts 
 
 Rose before his inner eyes, 
 The more he felt down in his heart 
 
 All his pent-up dander rise: — 
 Said he, " By thunderation, I'm 
 
 Agoin' to swear by dang; 
 I vow I've got to take a hand 
 
 And run my own shebang: — 
 If that Senate don't do something 
 
 About this thing o' pelf, 
 I'm blamed if I don't regulate 
 
 The pesky* laws myself." 
 So saying, Uncle Samuel 
 
 (Full name United States) 
 Passed slowly up behind the house, 
 
 And through the White House gates; 
 He watched the leaves a-falling; 
 
 He watched the skies turn blue. 
 While he seemed to be a-making 
 
 Up his mind what he would do. 
 
^ /Q^ur^^cuy, ^ A^>^, 
 
But presently he spruced up as 
 
 Some ladies passed him by, 
 He took a look to see the time; 
 
 He gazed back at the sky; 
 Then up the street went striding 
 
 At a nervous swinging gait, 
 Straight to the haughty columns where 
 
 The Senate sits in state; 
 He turned in towards the marble steps 
 
 Where the -statue stood, 
 When looking up he murmured slow 
 
 In a reflective mood,- — 
 "I wonder if live Senators 
 
 Ever have been good; 
 Or is the fiction really fact, 
 
 As it has been said, 
 That Senators are only good 
 
 After they are dead. 
 Ah! if George or Thomas J — 
 
 Should come back here to-day, 
 
— 9 — 
 
 I wonder what our Democrats 
 
 Would have the face to say; 
 I wonder now if Thomas 
 
 Would really understand, 
 That this is still the U. S., 
 
 And not some foreign land." 
 So pondering many musings 
 
 Within his busy brain, 
 Uncle Samuel went poking 
 
 'Long with the crowded train 
 Of people who were climbing up 
 
 To see what they could see. 
 In that prize show place for humor- 
 
 The Senate Gallery. 
 
 The other folks went in at once, 
 But just as he came near, 
 
 The guardian shouted loudly: 
 
 " There's no more room in here! ' 
 
 Uncle Samuel said something 
 That sounded much like damn, 
 
And then informed that fellow 
 
 That his name was Uncle Sam. 
 The keeper said that he was very 
 
 Very glad to know his name, 
 But he wouldn't let no hayseed 
 
 Bulldoze him just all the same. 
 A looker-on then asked him 
 
 If he didn't have a pull, 
 While the keeper kept saying 
 
 That the Senate was all full. 
 So Uncle Sam went hustling 
 
 'Round to another door. 
 Which somehow he thought he reckoned 
 
 He hadn't seen before; 
 But just as he was going in, 
 
 Somebody wished to know, — 
 Where that poor old country jake 
 
 Thought he was tryin' to go! 
 
 His clothes were rather shabby — 
 You must remember that; 
 
1 1 
 
 His boots smelt of the country; 
 
 Likewise his old plug hat; 
 His hair was not so quiet 
 
 As a city dandy's is, 
 While unshaved sproutings covered 
 
 That good old face of his; 
 He was a mite upset no doubt; 
 
 His head was in a maze; 
 But what seemed most against him 
 
 Was his plain old-fashioned ways; 
 Yet he managed somehow to blurt out 
 
 " I've been here before; 
 I want to hear the silver ' ' — 
 
 And then he said no more; 
 At the single, small word ' ' Silver ' ' — 
 
 Lo! straightway betide, 
 He stood within the Senate 
 
 For the door had opened wide. 
 Then he sat him in a corner 
 
 As quiet as could be, 
 
12 
 
 And next he took a look around 
 To see what he could see. 
 
 Below him there the Senators — 
 
 Those sentinels of fate — 
 Calmly sat in sleeping rows 
 
 Nodding to the great debate, 
 As standing, talking to the air 
 
 Upon two stalwart feet. 
 Someone would say his something, 
 
 And then start to repeat. 
 As Uncle Sam sized up the place, 
 
 He muttered, "Well, by gum; 
 I'm confounded if I ain't glad 
 
 After all now that I come. 
 This is the nice way, — is it ? 
 
 By all old freedom's guns. 
 That the whole fly-wheel machinery 
 
 Of my .government runs! 
 Well, well, this is a circus 
 
 That I never would have missed; 
 
An' to think those chaps get salaries 
 
 For a doin' of all this! " 
 He leaned him o'er the railing, 
 
 Where in calm and peaceful sleep 
 Two bulky Senators were trying 
 
 Most gracefully to keep 
 Their gentle equilibrium;- 
 
 Just to show how things should be; 
 And from appearance were succeeding 
 
 Unto a perfect T. 
 Another pair were smiling up 
 
 Like two empty headed dudes, 
 While the rest were sort of strewed around 
 
 In various attitudes. 
 A paper here; a letter there; 
 
 Some reading and some writing, — 
 They were an all-iired motley crowd 
 
 And not quite all inviting; 
 A pair of boots would upward soar 
 
 As if they'd reach the ceiling; 
 
— 14 — 
 
 Another pair would dig the floor. 
 
 As if it had no feeling; 
 While some were scribbling letters 
 
 In a perfect raging fury, 
 Some looked calm as if there wasn't 
 
 Such a mortal thing as hurry. 
 One would tiptoe to his neighbor 
 
 To say a little word; 
 Anotherd sit like Egypt's Sphinx 
 
 That has never stirred; 
 Thus while some were whispering; 
 
 Some snoozing and some walking, 
 An orator in front would be 
 
 Trying to do his talking. 
 Amidst the buzz of conversation; 
 
 The whizzing of the air — 
 And a sort of mixed up mess of sounds 
 
 That came from everywhere, 
 A faint and mellow music 
 
 That seemed very like a snore, 
 
— 15 — 
 
 Was wafted in gentle anthems 
 
 Up from the Senate floor. 
 'Twas a corporations Senator 
 
 Whose dreams must have been bad, 
 For he snorted Hke a harpooned whale, 
 
 When it's starting to get mad, 
 Then suddenly his big fat head 
 
 Began to toss and roll, 
 As if his visions weren't 
 
 Exactly soothing to his soul. 
 While the status which he had 
 
 So carefully maintained, 
 Became a little shaky — 
 
 I may say a little strained- — 
 For with a most amazing snort 
 
 And one last troubled snore 
 He woke — in time to save himself 
 
 From rolling on the floor. 
 Uncle Sam burst out a-laughing 
 
 With a hearty ha! ha! he! 
 

— 17 — 
 
 He laughed until the rafters shook 
 
 In that Senate Gallery; 
 * ' Wal, now, I say that that performance 
 
 Was pretty middlin' good; 
 He didn't fall, — but Lordy! 
 
 I was hopin' that he would!" 
 
 With chubby fists that member 
 
 Rubbed his eyes — then rubbed again; 
 Next sat up and looked about 
 
 In haughty, proud disdain; 
 He seemed to feel somehow deep down 
 
 An inward consciousness, 
 That he had run some awful risk — 
 
 Though what he could not guess; 
 But far down in his mind indeed 
 
 There plainly seemed to be, 
 A need just then of keeping up 
 
 Some extra dignity. 
 For after that, save now and then 
 
 For a blank-eyed sleepy blink. 
 
And one or two back-sliding nods 
 
 Mixed with a dreamy wink, 
 That Senator he sat bolt up 
 
 And no member you could see, 
 Was half as wide awake (outside) 
 
 As that member seemed to be. 
 While Uncle Sam was watching him 
 
 Of the corporatious snore, 
 Another member sprang in haste 
 
 Upon the Senate floor, — 
 "I rise to point of order! 
 
 I am sorry but I fear 
 That though this Senate seems in session. 
 
 There is no quorum here! " 
 Applause arose from all the friends 
 
 Of said sorrow-stricken Inan, 
 While wrath filled those who think their friends 
 
 Should slumber while they can. 
 The Speaker spoke: -'The Clerk will please 
 
 Proceed to call the roll." 
 
— 19 — 
 
 And then 'twas found they needed two 
 ■To make their quorum whole. 
 
 Hurry scurry went the Sergeant, 
 
 And soon he brought in one; 
 Then another one was captured 
 
 As he was trying to run. 
 But neither of them seemed to have 
 
 The sHghtest spark of shame, 
 About the thing of going in 
 
 And answering to their name. 
 The roll was called once more, 
 
 But one — whom everybody knew — 
 When the Clerk called out his name, 
 
 Wouldn't say as much as booh. 
 They tried to make him answer. 
 
 But he sat and just kept mum, 
 Looking calm and quite collected, 
 
 And mighty all-fired dumb. 
 Then the Speaker said that Mr. X. 
 
 Might not answer to his name, 
 
20 
 
 But the Senate would proceed 
 
 With its business just the same. 
 Then Mr. X. who hadn't answered 
 
 Because he didn't choose, 
 Now began orating Hke 
 
 A mill-dam broken loose. 
 His face all flushed with crimson, 
 
 Grew redder and more red, 
 And this is a small sample of what 
 
 That noble member said : 
 (He was a chap who tipped the scales 
 
 At a good two-hundred weight) 
 "Mr. Speaker, 'tis with sorrow 
 
 That herewith I rise to state, 
 That since I didn't answer when 
 
 The clerk read that roll-call, 
 It showed — why it just showed I reckon 
 
 That I wasn't here at all ! " 
 With a calm beatified expression 
 
 On his expansive face, 
 
A 
 
 21 
 
 He squeezed himself back in his seat 
 
 With a cute unconscious grace 
 A fellow member rose and said : 
 
 " Now it seems to me he was — 
 Being here don't show his presence — 
 
 Well, I rather guess it does! " 
 The Speaker then allowed that 
 
 The Senator was right, 
 For the two-hundred weighted member 
 
 Was certainly in sight. 
 That puffing corporosity 
 
 Jumped back upon his feet — 
 "Mr. Speaker — Mr. Speaker — 
 
 Mr. Speaker, I repeat 
 That according to the letter 
 
 Of what the Senate rulings say, 
 If a member doesn't cast his vote — 
 
 Why, per se, he is away!" 
 
 Uncle Samuel roared aloud : 
 
 " If that ain't climbin' on the fence ; 
 

— 23 — 
 
 Good Lord — Good Lord, please send that chap 
 
 Jest a ray o' common sense ! " 
 That expansive member thought 
 
 He was having splendid fun, 
 But in a minute more said member 
 
 Was promptly sat upon. 
 For the Speaker rose and curtly said, 
 
 According to his view, 
 Not even a Senator can be 
 
 Both in sight and absent, too. 
 Next a member who had risen 
 
 To make a short remark, 
 Took up all the Senate's time 
 
 Till 'twas pretty nearly dark. 
 Meanwhile Uncle Sam was talking 
 
 With a lad of scarce eighteen, 
 Who had found a seat beside him. 
 
 But whom before he hadn't seen. 
 At first they talked of this and that, 
 
 Crops, accidents, and then 
 
— 24 — 
 
 They did exchange a view or two 
 
 About their fellow men. 
 When, growing confidential, 
 
 The young lad said he knew. 
 He could run a government "better'n 
 
 What these chaps seem to do." 
 And remarking he was tired 
 
 Of all their stupid stuff. 
 The young man said he guessed he'd go 
 
 For he had had enough. 
 With a jaunty " So long ! " 
 
 And a most mannerly "Good day," 
 The young man went toward the door ; 
 
 But as he strode away. 
 Uncle Sam — who had forgotten earth 
 
 And every other clime — 
 Bethought him to investigate 
 
 The locality of time. 
 He jerked his big gold chain out; 
 
 Twas exactly half-past five. 
 
— 25 — 
 
 '* Gee ! I'll miss my supper this trip 
 
 As sure as I'm alive ! " 
 He jumped up in a hurry ; 
 
 "Now, gen'rally I don't care, 
 But after goin' through this mill, 
 
 Ye can't be livin' upon air ! " 
 Yet ere he fairly reached the door, 
 
 He gave a backward glance — 
 One last fond farewell — when 
 
 Toward the front he saw advance 
 A stately man upon whose brow 
 
 Sat dignity and pride, 
 A very noble Roman seemed he 
 
 (To judge him from outside) 
 " Wal, now," said Uncle Samuel, 
 
 " I guess I'd better stay, 
 For this here feller looks as if 
 
 He'd got somethin' big to say: 
 I kinder think that his remarks '11 
 
 Be more pinted, pat and few. 
 
— 26 — 
 
 For he seems to know exactly 
 
 What he's startin' out to do.' ' 
 So Uncle Samuel went back 
 
 And resumed his former place, 
 As that Senator began to speak 
 
 With a most impressive grace. 
 Now, you cannot judge a donkey 
 
 From the mildness of his eyes; 
 You cannot always tell a storm 
 
 From the signs within the skies; 
 A rattlesnake looks placid 
 
 When he's basking in the sun; 
 And you'll never know an orator 
 
 'Till his orating's done. 
 That noble Roman started in 
 
 And with most pacific mien, 
 Tried to tell the Senate what his views 
 
 Had ever always been; 
 He said it grieved him to the heart 
 
 To look about and see. 
 
— 27 — 
 
 So many- signs of -discord 
 
 And so much perplexity. 
 But if they'd hsten to him — 
 
 And he'd try to make them hear- 
 He would clarify the subject 
 
 Till 'twas most opaquely clear, 
 It ill became a patriot, he thought, 
 
 And a Senator indeed. 
 To sit and never give his views 
 
 When his country was in need. 
 Thus that noble Roman did begin 
 
 In a placid even tone. 
 Which in the not far future 
 
 Became a little like a drone; 
 But it was very even. 
 
 And his voice was very clear. 
 So it sounded very pleasant 
 
 For a while to sit and hear; 
 But slowly Uncle Samuel 
 
 As he listened to him speak. 
 
— 28 — 
 
 Be^an to feel so hungry 
 
 That it fairly made him weak; — 
 "Wal, now I've started out to see 
 
 This 'ere session through — 
 And I s'pose that feller '11 shut up 
 
 In a minute more or two, 
 But if he don't, by thunder, 
 
 I hev' got to have a bite. 
 For my stomach, — wal, my stomach 
 
 Don't feel jest exactly right! ' ' 
 But when the orator kept on — 
 
 Lo, there came a happy thought. 
 Uncle Sam remembered that 
 
 As he entered he had bought, 
 A half a dozen apples. 
 
 How his keen grey eyes did gloat. 
 As he pulled those rosy apples 
 
 From the pocket of his coat. 
 And being one who had been reared 
 
 On light and simple fare. 
 
— 29 — 
 
 Uncle Samuel seized said apples 
 
 And munched them then and there. 
 And when the last one was consumed 
 
 Unto the very core, 
 Though he looked much disappointed 
 
 Because there were no more, 
 He smacked his lips as every 
 
 Healthy apple-eater does. 
 And sighed in mild contentment; 
 
 "I am better than I wuz! " 
 Again he looked down on the floor 
 
 Where in dignified state, 
 That noble orator still stood 
 
 Ekeing out the great debate; — 
 ^Tt beats the deuce," said Uncle Sam, 
 
 ''The kinds o' human natures; 
 That feller'd sot down 'fore he riz 
 
 If he know'd pertaters! 
 But the noble Roman in his heart 
 
 Held quite another view — 
 
— 30 — 
 
 For he talked and talked and talked 
 
 With no sign of getting through; 
 Came six o'clock, — then seven 
 
 And eight and nine and ten; 
 Still he stood calmly talking 
 
 To that squad of sleepy men. 
 Eleven o'clock came in due time, 
 
 But slowly, calmly still 
 That flood of talk moved like the flow 
 
 Of a patent water-mill. 
 Then charmed as by some subtle, 
 
 Dunciadic wand or rod. 
 First beginning to be drowsy, — 
 
 Next to yawn and gape and nod 
 And with that voice still droning 
 
 Like the moaning of the. deep. 
 Uncle Sam fell into a weary. 
 
 Dreary and exhausted sleep. 
 
— 31 — 
 
 UNCLE SAMS SLEEP. 
 He slept in peace. But presently — 
 
 Perhaps a half an hour — 
 He saw the member make an end 
 
 And giving up the floor 
 Retire in stolid silence 
 
 From the sigh enladen air, 
 Down through rows of placid faces 
 
 That beamed from everywhere. 
 Then came a rustle, — during which 
 
 He saw from where he sat, 
 A tall, quick fellow enter, 
 
 Decked in a cockade hat; 
 His coat was velvet and his vest 
 
 Was bright in all degrees; 
 His shoes had silver buckles 
 
 And his pants stopped at the knees; 
 He wore a sort o' woman's waist 
 With ruffles in full view, 
 
— 32 — 
 
 While his raven hair was — a la Chinese- 
 Done up in a queue; 
 Yet with a certain antique look 
 
 He carried with him there, 
 A modest, clear, straightforward 
 
 And a most commanding air. 
 So wild was Uncle Sam to hear him 
 
 That he could scarcely wait: 
 " By the shades o' Bunker Hill 
 
 Thet's Patrick Henry sure as fate! 
 Gosh! But see them sparks o' light 
 
 Ablazin' from his eye; 
 Now he's the sort o' feller, 
 
 God has made to speechify!" 
 Uncle Sam then saw he held 
 
 A riding whip in hand, > 
 But looked as if there was something 
 
 He didn't understand; 
 He saw him gaze up at the ceiling; 
 
 Then around and all about, 
 
— 33 — 
 
 As if in the air was something 
 
 He codldn't just make out; 
 Meanwhile another member rose 
 
 And in words that sounded wise, 
 Said something about Silver 
 
 And the need of compromise; 
 That for the sake of harmony, 
 
 He thought it was the better way; 
 ' For even the side that knew 'twas right 
 
 To try and give way; 
 Because each party needed 
 
 To retain its party friends. 
 Thus, hedging was the proper means 
 
 Of gaining governmental ends; 
 And since nobody was quite 
 
 Sure of anything — he guessed 
 That compromise would be the way — 
 
 " For what's safest, that is best! ' ' 
 And said member who had spoken 
 
 In behalf of compromise. 
 
— 34 — 
 
 Sat down alooking tickled 
 
 From his boots up to his eyes. 
 Then Uncle Samuel saw him 
 
 Of the antique coat and queue, 
 Advance and ask the speaker 
 
 If he could say a word or two: 
 The drowsy speaker never oped 
 
 His dreamy eyes to peep, 
 But nodded yes, and then straightway 
 
 Fell off again to sleep. 
 He smiled — did Patrick Henry — 
 
 At men sleeping 'neath his view; 
 He smiled as if to say: " I guess 
 
 You'll wake up before I'm through!' 
 But he proceeded to explain 
 
 In a very quiet tone, 
 Where since last time Congress met, 
 
 Where it was that he had gone; 
 He said he went to Charlotteville 
 
 To consult with Thomas J; 
 
— 35 — 
 
 And that indeed he didn't think 
 
 That he'd be so long away, — 
 To tell the whole truth after 
 
 His long riding he was glad 
 To return, — especially 
 
 As the roads were very bad; 
 Then he stated — while his voice 
 
 Rose in volume and in vim — 
 That whereas the present question 
 
 Was a little new to him. 
 And as he was quite unprepared 
 
 He wouldn't speak on it to-day; 
 But that however there was one thing- 
 
 Which he felt impelled to say, — 
 For his heart down to its very depths 
 
 With sorrow had been stirred. 
 By the low, vile, petty sophistry 
 
 Of the things he had just heard. 
 
-36- 
 
 ' ' Look at the Lessons of the Past — and they lie in easy reach — 
 Look at Earth's dead empires, what do their bitter records teach? 
 What says the glories of old Rome, what says her dying sighs? 
 This, — that human Right and Wrong can hold no compromise! 
 Do you ever think that ever since the very birth of Time, 
 Through all the mournful ages stained with folly, blood and 
 
 crime, 
 That where a single fact has risen from darkness into light, 
 ' ris because a deed was done there just because 'twas right: 
 That all else is forgotten! Not a man to-day can tell, 
 The names of mightiest influence for whom great Nations fell, 
 The rich, the powerful, and all the worldly-wise, 
 Who by schemes and cliques, and combinations showed their 
 
 enterprise 
 All dead and unremembered as the dullest piece of clay, 
 For Sophistry shall parish do whatsoe'er it may. 
 And as for statesmen's records, I think you'll find it true — 
 Fearless minds have made the many, and tricks have made 
 
 the few; 
 'Tis small two-penny thinkers who follow the wise ends 
 Of making God Almighty serve the views of their dear friends; 
 Who think they manage Fortune, or what is rather worse, 
 Who fancy their potato patch is the mighty Universe. 
 
 Sir, the Nation — the whole Nation! That and that alone 
 should be, 
 
— 37 — 
 
 The sign, the guide, the watchword of a statesman's loyalty. 
 
 Whatsoever State shall rise in strength, intelligence and might, 
 
 Must rest upon the rock foundations of eternal right; 
 
 For if a Nation is to keep its corpse above the sod. 
 
 It first must try to live in harmony with God. 
 
 It's the vilest sort of falsehood that's been spoken here to-day. 
 
 'Tis not the policy that's safe which is the wisest way. 
 
 Sir, I say to all assembled here, by the blue eternal skies, 
 
 That the man or State which tampers with the jugglery of lies, 
 
 As sure as Night shall follow Day, — That man or nation dies!" 
 
 As Patrick Henry took his seat, 
 
 Came a sudden breathless lull, 
 And next a round of sharp applause 
 
 Which filled the Senate full- 
 Applause which slowly rose into 
 
 A loud re-echoing roar. 
 That sounded like the storm surf 
 
 Beating on a rocky shore. 
 The sleepy heads were all awake; 
 
 Here and there and everywhere 
 Men were stamping, clapping, shouting — 
 
 Nay! the very air 
 
— 38- 
 
 Seemed to fairly flame with fire 
 
 Like a glowing sunset sky, 
 With a splendor that has caught ablaze 
 
 From a single human eye. 
 Uncle Sam got so excited 
 
 That he swung his old plug hat, 
 As he murmured: "Gee! I wish that I 
 
 Could speechify like that! ' ' 
 An opinion in which, by the way, 
 
 All seemed undivided, 
 Therefore it took some minutes 
 
 Ere the Senators subsided — 
 For although men in words will wrangle- 
 Grow rosy and perspire, 
 They all unite at once upon 
 
 What compels them to admire. 
 Now when the Senate had resumed 
 
 Its former gentle state, 
 Of quiet and innocuous 
 
 Desuetudinous debate, 
 
— 39 — 
 
 The Speaker, he arose and said: 
 
 ' ' There was present with them there 
 A gentleman of fame known through 
 
 The Nation everywhere, 
 An active legislator, too — 
 
 Though that was long ago — 
 For of late years he had rather 
 
 Been an ex-officio; 
 However, it occurred to him 
 
 That perhaps it might pay 
 For the Senators to listen 
 
 To what he had to say 
 About the general problems 
 
 And questions of the day; 
 And would the following Senators 
 
 (Naming three of reverend age). 
 Conduct their Uncle Samuel 
 
 Up to the Speaker's stage. 
 As Uncle Sam heard that he saw 
 
 A (Silver) member scoot; 
 
— 40 — 
 
 And looking toward the door he thought 
 
 He'd better follow suit; 
 Just then those Senators came up 
 
 And with a pleasant smile, 
 Conducted him in frigid silence 
 
 Down that awful lengthy aisle; 
 His head it swum; his vision reeled; 
 
 It seemed that he was blind. 
 When of a sudden Patrick Henry 
 
 Arose before his mind. 
 And after that he never felt 
 
 The tiniest bit afraid, 
 But stood right up — and all alone — 
 
 And this is what he said: 
 
 UNCLE SAMS SPEECH. 
 "Feller Countrymen, it is with great pleasure that I rise, 
 To stand upon this Senate floor, and to look into ye're eyes: 
 I hev' often heard about ye, and I'm very glad to say, 
 That I feel exceedin' interest in bein' here to-day. 
 Though with all ye're modern notions I cannot jest agree, 
 I tell ye they're chuck full o' quanderies fur me; — 
 
— 41 — 
 
 Here and there I kinder thought I ketched onto a pint, 
 That seemed to me as if 'twas yanked a little out o' jint; 
 So when I kin manage to collect the gist o' my ideas, 
 I'd like to tell ye some few things that the farmer feller sees: 
 If I'm too brief in my remarks, please forgit my failin's for 
 I wasn't brought up in my youth to be no orator; 
 I'm jest a plain old fashioned chap thet wants his land to be 
 A place where common kind o' folks kin live happy and live free. 
 Where the hul' concern kin revel in the best o' human health, 
 And, by mindin' their own bizness kin get on the road to wealth. 
 Where Tom and Dick and Harry aire as good as you and me — 
 Previded thet they're loyal to our old Ameriky; 
 And if they ain't — I hevn't nary hide nor hair o' doubt, 
 That we'd better riz together and proceed to throw them out; 
 Or rather — though perhaps it's somewhat latish to begin, 
 We'd better see 'bout lettin' so many cartloads in. 
 Howsomever, I won't specialize about this thing or that, — 
 I want to mention what I think this country's comin' at; — 
 We're a mighty big concern I 'low and yit it seems to me 
 Our Constitooshun ain't exactly what it used to be; 
 Or rather I should mention thet the way thet things aire run, 
 Ain't precisely what they wuz in the days o' Washington. 
 Fur politics strike me as a great big game o' grab; 
 With the prizes for the fellers with the biggest gift o' gab; 
 And the question nowdays ain't so much to do the thing thet's 
 right 
 
42 
 
 As to keep a swimrain' in the swim and look purty and perlite; 
 
 Now I wouldn't like to tread upon anybody's feelin's, 
 
 But I really think you hev' too many underhanded dealin's; 
 
 And I wouldn't say thet any on' ye'd go startin' out to shirk, — 
 
 But what makes ye spend a week on a middlin' fair day's work? 
 
 It's a fact ye take a heap o' time according to my view, 
 
 In consultin' round instead of doin' what you started out to do; 
 
 Though you all look mighty chipper and mighty hale and hearty. 
 
 When the question to be settled is agoin' to suit your party! 
 
 Oh I've watched your ways and doin's till I know ye to a T. 
 
 I'm a plain old country hayseed, but ye can't bamboozle me." 
 
 'Twas hereabouts that Uncle Sam 
 
 Thought he heard a haw and hem, 
 And someone say they didn't want 
 
 No old fool to lecture them ; 
 Then a member rose up with. a gaze 
 
 Of most pathetic scorn — 
 (For his mind looked as if it might 
 
 Be suffering from a corn) — 
 " I rise to point of order, 
 
 And I say it with great pain 
 
— 43 — 
 
 That the member's statement of the facts 
 Is too shockingly plain " — 
 
 "Damnation take your indirections" — turning with a whiz — 
 "The trouble with you fellers. — the trouble with you is — 
 You've lost all sense and meanin' of good old honest biz; 
 To do a thing because its right and because its fair and square; 
 To act as ye think ye orter and stand for what you aire; 
 Instid o' thet, 'bout all you do when you're startin' out to vote, 
 Is to peek around to see the color o' the other feller's coat, — 
 What party he belongs to, — as if it matter'd one blamed cop- 
 per cent; 
 Kin ye find two kinds o' patriots in a loyal government? 
 What party! — Better drowned your parties in the old Atlantic 
 
 ocean, 
 And then sit down and try to git some decent kind o' notion, 
 C what your duties to your Nation and your homeland ought 
 
 to be, 
 I tell ye, Freedom's cause ain't helped by the schemers thet 
 
 ye see! 
 When they wuz born, half on 'em should been laid back on 
 
 the shelf; 
 A statesman thinks of somethin' besides his pocket and himself." 
 
 As Uncle Sam stepped from the stage, 
 He saw a crowd of men 
 
— 44 — 
 
 Come up to offer their good wishes 
 
 To which he smiled, and then — 
 He woke up with a sudden jerk 
 
 Like one risen from the dead, 
 The speech still ringing in his ears 
 
 Of all (he imagined) he had said ; 
 Just where or what he was 
 
 He couldn't exactly see, 
 For instead of being on the floor, 
 
 He was in the gallery. 
 Beside him stood a fleshy man 
 
 Whose garments did encase, 
 A form that was as plump and rotund 
 
 As his rotund face ; 
 Uncle Sam looked up and queried — 
 
 "W^al, an' who be you?" 
 That rotund person gave one look 
 
 That froze him through and through. 
 As with a cry of indignation 
 
 He called out with a roar — 
 
— 45 — 
 
 ** I ? You poor old ignoramus — 
 
 I am the Janitor ! " 
 '' I beg your pardon, mister, 
 
 But I never did pretend 
 To recognize too sudden 
 
 Even my bosomest friend ; 
 Now jedgin' in a gin'ral way 
 
 From your independent bent, 
 I didn't know but what ye might 
 
 Hev' bin the President." 
 The Janitor, he^smiled and 
 
 In milder fashion said, 
 He might be some day, but meanwhile 
 
 He'd do cleanin' up instead ; 
 Then with a curious expression 
 
 Which certainly seemed queer. 
 He added: "It's time, I reckon. 
 
 You were gettin' out o' here ! " 
 
 That capped the climax ! Uncle Sam 
 Was now all in a daze, 
 
-46- 
 
 He stretched himself back in his chair, 
 
 And muttered in a maze : — 
 ** Gee ! I don't see where I be ; 
 
 Wal, I've got my hat ; 
 But Where's Patrick Henry gone ? 
 
 An' geewhittaker ! whose that ? " 
 He saw a sight that struck him dumb — 
 
 Could it be that he was ill ? 
 That same old droning orator 
 
 Was down there droning still; 
 Then suddenly he w^as possessed 
 
 By a fearful inward fright, 
 *'Whew! I never knew before 
 
 My head wa'n't exactly right — ' ' 
 He rushed up to the Janitor 
 
 (Who was smiling with delight) 
 '' Where'd thet fellow come from? ' ' 
 
 Pointing through the morning light, 
 " Why he's the tedious idiot 
 
 That's been talking here all night!" 
 
— 47 — 
 
 "Goodness bless me! then — then 
 
 I ain't crazy after all; 
 Wal, wal, (he murmured) but I've 
 
 Been shook up powerful!" 
 Then he saw it all — how instead 
 
 Of speeches dire and deep, 
 He had merely been indulging 
 
 In a Senatorial sleep; 
 But he didn't feel quite rested — 
 
 For into his hearing still, 
 Came that weary, dreary droning 
 
 Of that patent water-mill; 
 The Senator of placid-voice 
 
 Was still trying to give as news 
 Unto his weary colleagues, 
 
 His twice told tedious views; 
 At last, as there's an end even 
 
 To what a mill-wheel can repeat, 
 'Mid grateful sighs of glad relief 
 
 That member took his seat. 
 
-48 — 
 
 Next a member who had risen 
 
 And secured the floor, 
 (A man he was who'd spoken 
 
 Five separate times before) 
 Gave notice he could end his speech 
 
 If they gave him two days more; 
 Another Senator arose, 
 
 And with charming modesty. 
 Said that as for days to end his speech, 
 
 He needed only three. 
 Then, after two more members 
 
 Had taken their modest turn, 
 The Speaker called out for a vote, 
 
 And the Senate did adjourn. 
 For the Speaker said that after 
 
 Sitting up all night he guessed, 
 They'd agree with him that there was need 
 
 Of a little solid rest ; 
 Scarce a minute did elapse 
 
 After work was ended there, 
 
-.49- 
 
 They found themselves outside 
 
 In the good fresh morning air ; 
 Then, as in his stomach Uncle Sam 
 
 Was feeling rather gaunt, 
 He betook himself straightway unto 
 
 The nearest restaurant ; 
 And he murmured slowly as he 
 
 Plodded meekly on his way : 
 " Gee ! But I've learned a heap 
 
 Since this time yistiddy." 
 
 THE END. 
 
HI? 8 9 
 
 ^.J