i ri^ii^ :|IW|y|tY-^ m jK^if«;j-^/ir>";aiz«???%5*«*«^^-^ 1 - -^y x^-^ ^''^^, •'/ ,^ , ^ v^; ^■^' ^ AV O % c' ..•^.-^i^I^^^ :^.- \ ■J" ^ .:i ■-/- > 'k / <■ xO^^ '--?•- . ,■ ' -'-'" -J" .-, /».-,,' ^ ^j •\/ - '\ x^^' ^. \ 0' -^ .s'^^./ A^ 0' ^./^ .xX^- ^ Oo. ^ ,N- » ',0 ^.^^^ ^"'\ £^ -^.^^^' -.s^ % oo^ ^■^ ^e « <5, :#.:r ^^ v^ x^" Oo. •^ ■^^ \ "-^^^ ' x^^ "^^^ '^' ^ .^'' «. ^""^ '^ o\\ -^ A^ " 4' p' *^ S^^ .^ "*^, ^'" ^ .0'- / %/ c^ V> ^ ^ " <^ , --* •^^. .V. v^"^'"' "<> v\ ,^^^^ % .^-^ ^^-"'^ v^ O . '^O •'^^- .^^'' .-s^-^^.. c- '^^ -X^^' '^^' A COMIC HISTORY UNITED STATES, BY / LIVINGSTON HOPKINS. COPIOUSLY ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR FROM SKETCHES TAKEN AT A SAFE DISTANCE, (olAJ NEW YORK : jsjM:B:iEiTaAjN book kxchjlktgj-ig, TRIBUNE BUILDING. 1880. En? .H7q COFTRIGHTBB, 1880, BY L. HOPKINS. CONTENTS. PAOB. Chapter I. — A Few Stubborn Facts not wholly Uncon- nected with the Discovery of America 13 Chapter II.— In which the Early Life of this Man Columbus is Inquired into — Disappointed Parents — The Bane of Genius — ''Pooh-Pooh !" — Convincing- Arguments 18 Chapter III. — Treats of other Discoveries and Does Great Credit to the Author's Sense of Justice 27 Chapter IV.— Having to his Entire Satisfaction Set- tled the Question as to who Discovered America, the Author Proceeds to Settle the Country Itself — John Smith is Mentioned — John Smith on the Rostrum — John Smith in Difficulties — The Plot Thickens as far as J. Smith is Concerned — The Death Penalty — Slow Music—* ** * Saved! 30 Chapter V. — Treats of the Early History of Massa- chusetts and Makes Mention of a Pilgrim Father or two, also Shows what a Good Memory the Author has for Dates 44 Chapter VI — Connecticut— Indian Definition Extraor- dinary—What the Dutch Thought of the English, and and what the English Thought of the Dutch — Story of the Charter Oak — Wooden Nutmegs Invented 50 Chapter VII.— Rhode Island— Roger Williams " Dealt" With — A Desperate Dissenter 56 8 CONTENTS. PAGE Chapter VIII. — New Hampshire— Slim Picking— An Effective Indian Policy — John Smith again Comes out Strong 59 Chapter IX, — Some Unreliable Statements Concerning the Early History of New York — Traces of a Great Undertaking — Advance in Real Estate — "Look Here upon this Picture and on This " 64 Chapter X. — A Flood of Historical Light is Let in upon New Jersey — Aborigines — The First Boarding House — Organ- Grinding as a Fine Art 69 Chapter XI. — Pennsylvania Seen Through a Glass Darkly — Wm. Penn Stands Treat — A Striking Re- semblance — How to Preserve the Hair 74 Chapter XII. —Maryland Settled— What's in a Name?— PecuKar Monetary System 77 Chapter XIII.— Two Birds Killed with One Stone— A Colored Citizen Declares his Intentions — In Settling North and South Carolina the Author is Himself Un- settled 80 Chapter XIV.— Georgia Slavery— A Dark Subject 84 Chapter XV.— English vs. French— Pursuit of BuU- I Frogs under Difficulties — Truth Stranger than Fiction. 85 Chapter XVI.— The Navigation Acts— Illicit Tooth- picks — A Cargo of Tea Unloaded — Pork and Beans as a Beverage — Rumors of War 90 Chapter XVII.— Revolutionary — A Row at Concord — A Masterly Retreat— The British Count Noses 96 Chapter XVIII —Full Account of the Battle of Bun- ker Hill — False Teeth and Heroism — Are Republics Ungrateful ? 99 Chapter XIX.— Still Revolutionary— The First Fourth of July Takes Place — Declaration of Independence — An Able Document — Parliament is Much Moved and Gets out Yellow Handbills 103 CONTENTS. PAGE. Chapter XX. — Revolutionary as Before — "Place None but Americans on Guard To-night " — Christmas Fes- tivities — Almost a Victory — A Britisher Shows Wash- ington Great Disrespect — Washington Crossing the Delaware 108 Chapter XXI. — More Revolutionary than Ever — Lively Times at a Watering Place — The Stars and Stripes In- vented 114 Chapter XXIT, — Imprudent Conduct of Benedict Ar- nold — A Real Estate Speculation — $50,000 the Price of Liberty (Terms Cash) — Major Andre is Seriously Com- promised — Suspense — Evil Communications — A Tale- Bearing Yellow Dog 117 Chapter XXIII. — The Affairs of the Revolution Wound Up — Cornwallis Steps Down and Out 131 Chapter XXIV. — An Incident of the Revolution 135 Chapter XXV. — This History Dabbles in Politics much against its Wishes — Preliminary Observations — A Chap- ter of Accidents and Presidents — "Lives of Great Men all Remind us " 146 Chapter XXVI. — Progress— Our Patent Office Report — Is Necessity the Mother of Invention ? —A Case in Contradiction— Electrical Kite — The Cotton Gin — The First Railway Train— The First Steamboat— The Printing Press— The Atlantic Cable — Mormonism — An Apparatus — Art Matters 184 Chapter XXVII. — Some Aboriginal Ideas — Wise Men at Work — Mound Building from Force of Habit — Sub- terranean Miscellany — The Lost Tribe Theory Won't Do — Autograph Specimen of Picture Writing — Light at Last — Picturesque Habits of the Indians 206 Chapter XXVIII. — American Scenery 216 Chapter XXIX. — Some Word Painting on the Subject of the American Eagle — The Affairs of this Strange, Eventful Histoiy Wound Up 220 PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS. The compilation of a history of any country is a serious matter, and should not be entered upon rashly. Before undertaking the present work, therefore, the author deliberated for twenty-nine years and six months, and then, having consulted the best legal as well as medical authorities, entered upon the task with fear and trembling. " Let me," he said to himself, "write the comic history of my native land, and I care not who makes the laws or the poetry." He hired a vacant lot on Nassau Street, and fenced it in, and there, surrounded by the paraphernalia of literature and art, he went to work with pen and pencil to jot down the leading incidents of American history to the best of a some- what defective memory, and with all the enthusiasm of youth and a bilious temperament. The illustrations have been our chief care, though the letterpress will be found equally reliable. It was our original plan to flavor these pages with a spice of romance, but after a prolonged altercation 12 PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS. with Mr. Aldeu, our publisher, we decided to adhere strictly to facts. If the reader should happen to detect any slight anachronism in this work, or has reason to suspect that the unities have been lost sight of in a single instance, he will please notify us as early as possible. When it first became noised abroad that we con- templated bringing out an illustrated history of the United States, we were deluged with letters from a host of well-disposed persons, such as Thomas Car- lyle, James Parton, Wendell Phillips, and others of more or less literary ability, offering to " Avrite up " to our pictures. Mr. Carlyle said he could do it nights. But the public was not to be trifled with, so we resolved to put our shoulder to the literary as well as the artistic wheel, as it were, and we flatter our- selves we have demonstrated in these pages that truth is more of a stranger than fiction. CHAPTER I. k FEW STUBBORN PACTS NOT WHOLLY UNCONNECTED WITH THE DISCOVERY OP AMERICA. The sun was just sinking below tlie west tern horizon on the evening of September 11th, 1492, when a respectably dresssd personage of sea-faring appearance might have been seen occupying an elevated posi- tion in the rigging of a Spanish ship, and gazing intently out over a vast expanse of salt water upon what at first sight ap- peared to be an apple dumpling of colossal proportions, but which, upon more careful inspection subsequently turned out to be a NEW WORLD. 14 ''VENL VIDir We will not keep the reader longer in suspense ; that sea-faring man was Chris- topher Columbus, and the object which at- tracted his attention was America ! This adventurous person had sailed from the port of Palos, in Spain, on the 3d of August with the avowed purpose of '* see- ing the world;" and who, thinking he might as well see a new world while he was about it, sailed in the direction of America. For further particulars the reader is re- ferred to the accompanying sketch, which, with startling fidelity, portrays the scene at the thrilling moment when a new conti- nent bursts upon the bold navigator's vis- ion. Pray cast your eye aloft and behold the great Christopher discovering America as hard as ever he can. The flashing eye, 16 AN EXCITED NATIVE. the dilating nostril, the heaving bosom, the trembling limbs, the thrilling nerves, the heroic pose, all vigorously set forth in a style which speaks volumes — ^nay, whole libraries for our artist's graphic power and knowledge of anatomy. We will next trouble the reader to let the eye wander ofE to the dim distance, where the new world looms majestically up, and stands out boldly against the setting sun, previous ly alluded to, which illuminates the scene with* golden splendor, and bathes the new born continent in a flood of dazzling light. If the patient reader will be good enough to examine this picture with a powerful microscope, he will discover, standing upon the utmost prominence of the new world, and in imminent danger of falling off, a citizen of the country who welcomes the AN ENVIABLE SITUATION, 17 stranger with uplifted tomahawk and a wild war-whoop. Lifting our eyes skyward we see the American eagle soaring forth to meet the great discoverer, with outstretched pinions, and bringing his whole family with him. We confess that we, for one, cannot gaze upon this scene without envying Mr. Co- lumbus the luxury of his emotions and wishing we knew where there was a new world lying about loose that we might go right off and discover it. CHAPTER IL IN WHICH THE EARLY LIFE OP THIS MAN COLUMBUS IS INQUIRED INTO — DISAPPOINTED PARENTS— THE BANE OF GENIUS — "POOH - POOH !" — CONVINCING ARGU- MENTS. Christopher Columbus was born at Ge- noa in Italy, a country chiefly famous for its talented organ-grinders. The youthful Christopher soon made the melancholy dis- covery that he had no talent in that direc- tion. His tastes the rather took a scientific turn. This was a sad blow to his fond pa- rents, who did hope their son would take a turn at the hurdy-gurdy instead. His aged f athei* pointed out that Science PARENTAL SOLICITUDE. 19 was low and unprofitable, Geology was a humbug, Meteorology and Madness were synonymous terms, and Astronomy ought to be spelled with two S's. In vain his doting mother gently sought to woo him to loftier aims, and, in the f ond- Dess of a mother's love, even presented him with a toy barrel-organ which played three bars of "Turn, sinner, turn," in the hope that it might change the whole current of his life ; but the undutif ul child immediate- ly traded it off to another boy for a bam- boo fishing rod, out of which he construct- ed a telescope, and he used to lie upon his back for hours, far, far into the night, catching cold and scouring the heavens with this crude invention. One night his sorrow- stricken parents found him thus, and they knew from that moment that all was lost! AN APPALLINO REFLECTION. 21 Our hero took to the water naturally very early in life. Let the youth of Amer- ica remember this. Let the youth of every land who contemplate discovering new worlds remember that strong drink is fa- tal to the discovery business; for it is our candid opinion, that, had Christopher Columbus taken to, say strong coffee in his very earliest infancy, the chances are that America would never have had a Centen- nial, and these pages had never been writ- ten. Two circumstances which the stout- est heart among us cannot for a moment contemplate without a shudder. When Columbus reached man's estate ht became a hard student, and spent the most of his time in his library, ' ' Reading books that never mortal Ever dared to read before." ^^4^Ar^4/^j^a/^di^/^f^^<^^i'4^ POOH! POOH! 23 His mind, consequently, soared beyond tlie pale of mere existing facts and circum- stances, and sought to fold its eager pinions on lofty roosting places yet undiscovered. And thus it was, that, after revolving the matter in his mind for forty years or more, Columbus arrived at the conclusion that the earth was round, not flat, (as was the popular belief at that time,) and boldly said so in round terms. People called him a lunatic, an original character, and other harsh names, and otherwise pooh-pooh'd the idea. But Columbus not only adhered to his theory, but went so far as to assert that by sailing due west from Europe you would, if you kept on sailing, bring up somewhere in eastern Asia. " Oh, come now, Christopher ! really, this 24 ISABELLA INTERVIEWED. 25 is going to far ! " is what public opinion said, and wlien our liero petitioned the Italian Congress to fit out an expedition and let him prove his theory, it magnani- mously offered to set him up in business with a first-class barrel-organ and an edu- cated monkey cashier on condition of his leaving the country once for all ; but Co- lumbus, expressing his regret for his lack of musical ability, declined this generous offer and turned with a sigh to other gov- ernments for assistance. Finally, after fif- teen years of effort, he succeeded in con- vincing Queen Isabella of Spain that there was an undiscovered country beyond the seas, overflowing with milk and honey, which it would be worth while to " work up." He proved his theory with the aid of an Qgg^ (which he made stand on end,) 26 THE FLIGHT OF TEARS. an old Boston City Directory, and a ground plan of Philadelphia, (see school books,) and demonstrated to the good lady's entire satisfaction that she might realize largely by fitting out an expedition and let him at its head go and discover it. So conclusive were these arguments to the mind of Queen Isabella that the good old soul allowed him to fit out an expedi- tion at his own expense, and gave him cai'te blanche to discover America as much as he wanted to. We have seen how well he succeeded. All this took place three hundred and eighty-three years, four months, and ^ve days ago, but it seems. to us but yesterday. Ah ! how time flies ! CHAPTER III. TREATS OF OTHER DISCOVERIES AND DOES GREAT CREDIT TO THE author's SENSE OP JUSTICE. On the return of Columbus to Spain, he published a map of his voyage in one of the illustrated papers of the day. Through the courtesy of the publishers of that pa- per we are enabled to place this map before our readers. Here it is translated from the original Spanish. If the gentle reader can make head or tail of it he is more gentle even than we had at first supposed. The publication of this map at the time naturally inspired others with the spirit of adventure, and ''HONOR TO WHOM HONOR" 29 discovering America became quile the rage. Indeed, so common were voyages of discovery to tlie New World, that only one besides that of Columbus is deemed of sufficient note to find a place in this his- tory. We allude to that of Americus Vespucius. This gentleman, who was a Florentine by birth, made a voyage to South Amer- ica in 1499. He wrote sensational letters to tlie papers describing his voyage and the country, which were afterwards pub- lished in book form by a German geo- grapher, who gave the name " America " to the ISTew World, but this history cheerfully accords to ^Christopher Columbus the im- perishable glory of finding out the roost- ing-place of the American eagle. * Mr. Columbus is better known as the author of that Boul-stirring melody, " Hail Columbia I " CHAPTER IV. HAVING TO HIS ENTIRE SATISFACTION SETTLED TKB QUESTION AS TO WHO DISCOVERED AMERICA, THE AUTHOR PROCEEDS TO SETTLE THE COUNTRY ITSELF — JOHN SMITH IS MENTIONED — JOHN SMITH ON THE ROSTRUM — JOHN SMITH IN DIFFICULTIES — THE PLOT THICKENS AS FAR AS J. SMITH IS CONCERNED — THK DEATH PENALTY — SLOW MUSIC — * * * * SAVED I It was a century or more after the events narrated in tlie last chapter before any at- tempt was made to establish a colony in America, or before civilization got any permanent foothold. In 1606 a certain "London company" got out a patent on Virginia, and the next year sent over a ship-load of old bachelors .32 VISION A R T HOPES. to settle its claim. They landed at JameS' town in the month of May, and here the wretched outcasts went into lodgings for single gentlemen. The whole country was a howling wil- derness, overrun with Indians, wild beasts and Jersey mosquitoes. . These hardy pioneers had come to an unexplored region with a vague, general idea that they were to dig gold, trade with the Indians, get enormously rich and return home. So sanguine were they of speedy success that they planted nothing that year. The few sandwiches they had brought with them were soon consumed, the gold did not " pan out," the Indians drove very hard bargains, offering a ready market for hair, but giving little or nothing in return. ,.,^']^J^i^j'/yy^^ -sr^AArrjtcr/ff/K ^ 34 J. SMITH, ESQ. To make matters worse, the Fevernager. a terrible disease of the period, got among them, and by fall only a handful of the colon- ists remained, and these were a very shaky lot indeed, with not clothing enough among them to wad a shot-gun. Among this seedy band was one John Smith, who, being out of funds himself, and a public spirited person withal, saw that unless provisions could be obtained shortly, the scheme of colonizing America would be a failure. He went into the lecture field, holding forth to large and fashionable audiences, composed of intelligent savages, upon the science of navigation, illustrating his lecture with an old mariner's compass that indicat- ed all four of the cardinal points at once, and a superannuated bulls-eye watch that 36 -3^-ff. SMITH MISUNDERSTOOD. would do nothing but tick. These simple- minded children of nature listened with attentive ears, and looked on with wonder- ing e3^es, and came down largely with green corn, sardines, silk hats, hard boiled eggs, fall overcoats, pickled oysters, red hand- kerchiefs, ice cream, dried herring, kid gloves, pickled tripe, and other Indian luxuries, which proved invaluable to the starving, threadbare colonists. Thus it is seen that Mr. Smith obtained on ticld^ what he had no cash to pay for. Although Mr. Smith was regarded as a talented man from a scientific point of view, and was even mentioned in the native papers as undoubtedly a god, yet he was sometimes grossly misunderstood by these * The reader may occasionally find this sort of thing in these pages but he is entreated not to be startled. TEE PLOT COAGULATES. 37 artless aborigines, and on one occasion they arrested liini on a general charge of hocus- pocus or witchcraft, and carried him before Chief Justice Powhatan to be tried for his life. The jury brought in a verdict of " guilty" on all the counts, and the hapless Smith was condemned to death. His counsel did all they could to establish an alibi, but in vain. It was a clear case ; a fair trial had been given their pale brother and he must suffer the penalty. As a last resort, Mr. Smith offered, first, his bull's-eye watch, and finally, the old mariner's compass, for his life, but Judge Powhatan could not see the point. He had never seen a white man die, and was panting for a new sensation. He therefore ordered the entertainment to proceed without more delay. 38 AN EMBARASSING POSITION. HaviEg previously had his scalp re- moved, the doomed man thanked his captors for all their kindness, and requesting the executioner to make a good job of it, placed his head upon the fatal block. The dread instrument of death was uplifted, and Mr. Smith was really apprehensive that his time had come. He closed his eyes and whistled the plaintive air, *' Who will care for my mother-in-law now ? " There was a hush of pleasant anticipa- tion — a deadly silence — you might have heard a pin drop — indeed, you might have heard ten pins drop. •^ jf * * * * * At this supreme moment Pocahontas, the beautiful and accomplished daughter of Judge Powhatan, appeared upon the scene, tastefully dressed as a ballet girl, and using 40 -4 CLOSE SHAVE. some pretty strong arguments with liei father, obtained from him a stay of pro ceedings, and the prisoner's life was spared. Powhatan apologized to Mr. Smith for the loss of his hair, and handsomely offered to buy him a wig. John admitted that it was rather a closer shave than he had been accustomed to, but at the same time he begged the learned gentleman not to men- tion it, and made the best of his way back to Jamestown laden with presents, which were subsequently stolen by the donors. Many persons look upon this incident as apocryphal, but we are prepared to assure them upon personal knowledge of its truthfulness. For, during a brief but bloodless campaign in Virginia in 1864, whither we had gone as a gory " hundred day's man " to put down the Rebellion, six- SOME STRONG ASSERTIONS. 41 teen different identical spots were pointed out to us where Pocahontas saved the life of Captain Smith. If there be any lingering doubt in the mind of any one we point him in triumph to any of our ably written city directories, the careful perusal of which will convince the most sceptical mind of Mr. Smith's safety. Pocahontas afterwards married a young English lord, (our American girls marry titles whenever they get the chance,) and at last accounts was doing very well. Mr. Smith was elected president, by a large majority, of the little colony, which began to thrive henceforth, and was soon reinforced by other adventurers from Eng- land. In the fall of 1609 Mr. Smith was com. A MERE DETAIL. 43 pelled to return to England on account of a boil on liis neck, or to have a tooth drawn, we forget whicli — ^but that is a mere detail. Virginia became a fixed fact, and in 1664 was ceded to the Crown of Great Britain, which maintained jurisdiction over it until about the year 1776. On page 42 we re- produce the great Seal of Virginia. The allegory is so strikingly and beautifully obvious as to need no further elucidation. CHAPTER V. TREATS OP THE EARLY HISTORY OF MASSACHTJ8ETTS AND MAKES MENTION OF A PILGRIM FATHER OR TWO, ALSO SHOWS WHAT A GOOD MEMORY THE AUTHOR HAS FOR DATES. Massacliusetts was first settled by Pilgrim Fathers who sailed from England in the year 1620 on board the May Flour ^ giving directions to the captain to set them down at some place where they could enjoy re- ligions freedom, trusting rather to his knowledge of Navigation than of Theolo- gy to land them at the right place. Thinking wild savages least likely to entertain pronounced religious prejudices, the captain of the May Flour bethought 46 ''LAND HOr' him of America, and landed them hap*liaz- ardat Plymouth, Massachusetts, on the 21st of December, 1620. The Pilgrims made themselves as comfortable on Plymouth Rock as possible, and formed a treaty with the Indians which lasted several days. The accompanying sketch not only accu- rately illustrates the event just narrated, but gives us a faithful and striking portrait of each of the Pilgrim Fathers, which vrill be immediately recognized by all their acquaintances. The drawing is made from a photograph taken on the spot by an artistic Pilgrim, who brought his camera with him, hoping to turn a penny by pho- tographing the natives. We may here incidentally remark that his first native " subject," dissatisfied with the result of a " sitting," scalped the artist and confiscated m: 47 48 THE PILGRIM FATHERS. his camera, which he converted into a inide sort of accordion. This instrument was the cause in a remote way of the ingenious native's death, for he was promptly assassi- nated by his indignant neighbors. Let the young man over the way, who has recently traded his mother's flat-irons for a concer- tina, take warning. As some of our readers may not know what a Pilgrim Father is, and as it is the business of this book to make straio^ht all the crooked paths of history, we beg to state that a Pilgrim Father is a fellow who believes in hard-money piety, if we may be allowed the expression, and with whom no paper substitute will pass current. All others are counterfeit, and none genuine without the signature, " Puritan." Having come so far to enjoy religious ASSERT THEMSELVES. 49 freedom, tlie Puritans took it unkind if any one ventured to differ witli them. Our illustration shows their style of reforming Quakers in 1G56. They used, as will be seen, a very irresistible line of argument, and the dissenting party thus " dealt" with generally found it useless to combat old- established prejudices. It is not for the unimpassioned historian to comment upon such a system of ortho- doxy. We will say, however, that the Puritans meant well, and were on the whole worthy sort of persons. At any rate, Plymouth Rock was a success, and may be seen to this day (with certain modifications) in the identical spot where the Pilgrim Fathers found it. CHAPTER VI CONNECTICUT — INDIAN DEFINITION EXTRAORDINARY — WHAT THE DUTCH THOUGHT OP THE ENGLISH, AND WHAT THE ENGLISH THOUGHT OF THE DUTCH — STORY OP THE CHARTER OAK — WOODEN NUTMEGS INVENTED. Connecticut is an Indian word and sig- nifies Long Rive7\ We know, because all tlie Indian dictionaries we ever read right througli give this definition. In lfi36, if our memory serves us, Con- necticut was claimed by both the Dutch and English, who had a long dispute about it. Neither faction comprehended what the dispute was about, as the Dutch did not understand English nor the English Dutch. All the Dutch knew was that A CHARTER. 61 their antagonists were tarn Yankees^ and the latter were equally clear that theirs were hlarsted Dutchmen in the worst sense of the word, and thus the matter stood when, fortunately, an interpreter arrived through whom the quarrel was conducted more understandingly. It ended in favor of the English. The Dutch, it would appear, turned out to be less blarsted than was at first supposed, and, shaking the dust from their wooden shoes, emigrated to New Jersey. In the year 1636 it occurred to King Charles II to grant Connecticut a charter, which, considered as a charter, was a great hit. It gave the people the power to govern themselves. Whenever a Connecticutian traveled abroad folks said, "There goes 62 FLATTMBINQ ATTENTIONS. the Governor of Connecticut," and he really felt himself a man of consequence. This charter was afterwards annulled by King James II on his accession to the throne, who feared, no doubt, that the people of Connecticut would govern them- selves too much, as the population was in- creasing rapidly. He appointed a Gov- ernor from among his poor relations and sent him over to take charge of Connecti- cut. Connecticut it seems rather took care of him than otherwise. He varied the mo- notony of a brief public career by making sundry excursions on rail-back, if we may be allowed the expression, under the au- spices of an excited populace. He found the climate too hot to be agreeable, partic- olarly as his subjects presented him with a THE CEARTER ALL OAK K 63 beautiful Ulster overcoat of cold tar and and goose feathers, and common politeness compelled him to wear it. Need we say the new Governor begged to be recalled ? In the meantime the charter given by- Charles II was not destroyed. It was taken care of by Captain Wads worth, who hid with it in a hollow oak tree, where he remained until the death of the despotic James, which, fortunately, was only about four years, when King William, a real nice man, ascended the throne, and he sat down and wrote to Captain Wadsworth, begging he would not inconvenience himself further on his (William's) account. It was then that the Charter Oak gave back the faded document and Captain Wadsworth, both in a somewhat dilapidated condition. While confined in the hollow tree the FICTITIOUS NUTMEGS, 66 Captain beguiled the tedium of restricted liberty by inventing the wooden nutmeg, a number of which he whittled out of bits of wood taken from the walls of his prison. He subsisted almost exclusively upon these during the four years of his voluntary in- carceration, and immediately after his release got out a patent on his invention, which he afterwards " swapped " ofE to a professor in Yale College, who, we under- stand, made a handsome fortune out of it. Thus it ever is that patriotism and self-abnegation for the public weal meets with ample reward. CHAPTER VIL RHODE ISLAND — ROGER WILLIAMS " DEALT " WITH — A DESPERATE DISSENTER. Rhode Island was first settled by a des* perate character named Roger Williams, who was banished by the Puritans from Massachusetts because he entertained cer- tain inflammatory views decidedly antago- nistic to the enjoyment of religious freedom, namely : that all denominations of Chris- tianity ought to be protected in the new colony. This, of course, was mere heresy upon the face of it, and our forefathers proceeded to " deal " with Brother Williams in the true 68 APOSTAGT OF B. WILLIAMS, Puritanic style, when the misguided man bade them a hasty farewell and left on the first train for Rhode Island. He brought up in a camp of Narragan- sett Indians, whom he found more liberal in their religious views. The blind and bigoted Williams, with a few other reneorades from the Puritan stronghold, established a colony at the head of Narragansett Bay, which they called Providence. Other settlements soon sprang up, and the hardened sinner Williams went to England and obtained a charter which united all the settlements into one colony. At the beginning of the Revolution Rhode Island had a population of 50,000 blinded bigots. CHAPTER Yin, NEW HAMPSHIRE— SLIM PICKING — AJJ EFFECTIVE INDIAN POLICY— JOHN SMITH AGAIN COMES OUT STRONG. New Hampsliire was a sicHy cliild from tlie first, and of somewliat uncertain parent age. It was claimed by many proprietors? wlio were continually involved in lawsuits. Its soil was not very fertile, and yielded little else than Indians and lawyers. The former were the most virulent of which any of the colonies could boast, and the lattei were of the young and " rising " sort. These two elements managed to make it extremely lively for the average colonist, who was scalped upon the one hand and A MAN OF THE NAME OF SMITH. 61 ** skinned " upon the other. At first the homy-handed son of toil fondly hoped to raise corn, but owing to the poverty of the soil it was a day's journey from hill to hill, and as much as a man's scalp was worth to undertake to travel it. At harvest time there was an immense crop of cobble stones and no market for them. Fortunately, in time the lawyers became starved out, but two great drawbacks to prosperity yet remained ; sterility of soil and hostile Indians. But the time was at hand when both these evils were to be remedied. His name was Smith — John Smith, of course — who readily undertook the contract of not only exterminating the Indians, but of fertiliz- ing the soil. To accomplish the first of these great 62 SMITH'S INDIAN POLICY. ends, he disguised himself as a medicine man, and went boldly among the noble red men, inducting them into the mysteries of the manufacture and consumption of New England rum. He found them apt pupils, and it was not long before every Red of them, from the biggest sachem to the latest papoose, could not only distill his own fire- water, but drink it, too. There was soon a very noticeable thinning out in the ranks of the noble red men, and a good deal was said about the setting sun. The fire-water did its work thoroughly^ and the colonists were at length masters of the situation so far as Indians were con- cerned. The next thing was to make the land productive. This was a more laborious and tedious undertaking than the first, but AQRIGULTURAL. 63 Jolin Smith wa8 equal to the emergency. He caused dirt to be carted from a neigh- boring State until the rocky surface of New Hampshire was completely covered with a rich sandy loam a foot or two deep. The people raised " some pumpkins" after that, we are informed. Thus was agriculture established on a solid basis, and New Hampshire made rapid progress. All honor to John Smith. CHAPTER IX. BOME UNRELIABLE STATEMENTS CONCERNING THE EARIiV HISTORY OF NEW YORK — TRACES OF A GREAT UN- DERTAKING-ADVANCE IN REAL ESTATE — " LOOK HERB UPON THIS PICTURE, AND ON THIS." New York was discovered in 1609 by one Henry Hudson, an Eglishmanby birth, but to all intents and purposes a Dutch- man, being then in the service of Holland. Immediately on his arrival he began the work of building a bridge across the East river, which, it is feared, he never was able to finish. Traces of this quaint struc- ture are plainly to be seen to this day, and have been known, time out of mind, as the " New East Eiver Bridge." THEN AND NOW. 65 Manhattan Island, upon wHcli New Yorlj now stands, was settled by the Dutch, who called it New Netherlands (afterwards New Amsterdam). They bought it of the Indians, paying for the entire island the fabulous sum of twenty-five dollars, and liquidated the purchase with fire-water; but that was before the panic, when there was more " confidence " in business circles than now, and there had been as yet no inflation talk. New York has changed hands since then, and we understand the property has en- hanced in value somewhat. We doubt very much if the island could be bought to-day for double the price originally paid for it, even the way times are now. Any one comparing the two pictures accompanying this chapter will see how SABBATH DAT THOUGHTS. 67 marvelously we have improved since tlie days of the Dutch. No. 1 is copied from an old print, dating back to 1620, and is warranted wholly reliable. It is undoubt- edly the Sabbath day, for in the foreground is seen an influential citizen of the period, who has come down to the Battery to meditate and fish for eels. He is thinking " How many ages hence will this, his lofty scene, be acted over." Presently he will catch an eel. Sketch No. 2 is of more recent origin, and was taken from our artist's window. When this picture was first drawn the Brooklyn pier of the bridge was plainly discernible in the background. But since then our landlord, who is a German, and conducts a restaurant on Teutonic principles on the ground floor, has humanely run up 68 A TEUTONIC 8TRUGTUBB. a vent-pipe from Hs kitchen opposite oui window, wliicli necessarily excludes the picturesque ruin of the bridge from view. The reader will observe that nothing is now visible but a tall square sheet iron tube and an overpowering sense of garlic, which destroy at once our view and our appetite. CHAPTER X. A FLOOD OP HISTOKICAL LIGHT IS LET IN UPON NE'W JERSEY — ABORIGINES — THE FIRST BOARDING HOUSE — ORGAN-GRINDING AS A FINE ART. Not many generations ago New Jersey was a buzzing wilderness — howling would be a misnomer, as the tuneful mosquito had it all to himself. *'His right there was none to dispute." The tuneful mosquito was, in fact, your true New Jersey aboriginal, and we do not hesitate to assert that the wilderness buzzed. But the time came at last when the wilderness of New Jersey was to have something else to do. In the year (confound it ! what yeai AN AXIOM, 71 was it now?) a select company of colonists landed at Hoboken, led by one Philip Carteret. The latter carried with him a large supply of agricultural implements to remind the colonists that they must rely mainly upon the cultivation of cabbages, and devote their energies more or less to the manufacture of Apple Jack for their livelihood. But he soon saw his erroi', and immediately cabled over for a supply of mosquito nets to instill into their minds the axiom that " self-preservation is the first law of nature." Mr. Carteret opened a boarding house in Hoboken, to be conducted on strictly temperance principles, and devoted liis leisure to the civilizing of the aborigines ; but his efforts in this direction were crowned with but partial success. 72 THE ABORIQINAL MOSQUITO. It is an historical, but not the less melan choly fact, that the aboriginal inhabitants of any country become effete as civiliza- tion advances. And thus it happens that, although the mosquito has been handed down to us in modern times, we only be- hold him in a modified form. That he has not yet entirely lost his sting, the compiler of this work personally ascertained during a four years' exile in Hoboken. For all that the Jersey mosquito of to-day is but an echo, as it tvere, of his ancestor of colonial times. How thankful should we be then that we were not early settlers. Hoboken is the capital of New Jersey, and is principally inhabited by Italian barons in disguise, who consecrate their lives exclusively to the study of that king of musical instruments, the barrel-organ. ELT8IAN PASTIMES. 73 The Elysian Fields, just north of Hobo- ken, is a sylvan retreat where the elite of the adjacent cities congregate on Sunday afternoons to play base-ball and strew peanut shells o'er the graves of departed car-horses. CHAPTER XL PENNSTLVAJSriA SEEN THROUGH A GLASS DABKLT — WM. PENN STANDS TREAT — A STRIKING RE8EMRLANCE — HOW TO PRESERVE THE HAIR. The first colony of Pennsylvania was founded in 1682 by Wm. Penn, a Quaker gentleman of steady habits, who, with re- markable foresight settled at Philadelphia, because he thought it an eligible place to to hold a Centennial Exhibition. He took out naturalization papers, and began by studying the prejudices of the natives with a view to getting upon the good side of them. He smoked the calumet of peace with them and treated them to hard 76 WM. PENN BUYS PROPERTY, cider, under the mellowing influence of whicli they said lie was like " Onas." How well lie deserved this compliment the reader will comprehend at once by refer- ence to the accompanying illustration. The coincidence of resemblance is indeed striking, though it must be admitted he is not unlike a cigar sign either. Wm. Penn bought property in Philadel- phia, where he resided for thirty-six years, getting along very well v^th the neighbors. In proof of which we may mention that in 1718 he went back to England very well off indeed, where he died and was buried in his own hair. CHAPTER XIL MARYLAND SETTLED — WHAT'S IN A NAME? — ^PECULIAR MONETARY SYSTEM. Lord Baltimore was the oldest inhabit- ant of Maryland. He named it after Mrs. Charles II, whose maiden name was Hen- rietta Maria. The name Henrietta Marialand was found rather unhandy for so small a province, so he afterwards cut it down to Maryland, The first settlement was made at the mouth of the Potomac river by a colony of English ladies and gentlemen. They lived chiefly upon green corn and tobacco, 78 FINANCIAL POLICY. wMcli they cultivated in large quantities. When they ran out of funds the latter sta- ple became their currency — the leaf tobacco being the paper money or "greenbacks," and the same dried, mixed with molasses and pressed into blocks or "plugs," represented specie or " hard money." During the growth of the crop it was customary for the capitalist to dig up his stalks every night before going to bed, (previously watering them,) and lock them up in a patent burglar-proof safe, getting up be- fore sunrise next morning to replant them. The inflation or depression of the money market depended more or less upon the success of the tobacco crop, and as the soil was new there was seldom a panic. One phase of the old Maryland monetary sys- tem is graphically set forth on page 79. f jL/C(UiO/^^i?Uj^i-^--%\ ^'JiiKSi ^W^^^^ vKr ^ K^, Jt^^r^ i ■^^^ 132 PEACE. 133 signed a quit-claim deed resigning all right and title to its American property. Tlie Continental army was disbanded, and returninp; to tlieir homes the soldiers hammered their muskets and things into plowshares and sold them to the farmei's. The battle fields were cut up into corner lots, and a season of great prosperity began. Washington was elected President of the young Republic, and gave great satisfac- tion in that capacity. His second term hav- ing expired, he wrote an address of great literary merit and retired to private life at Mount Vernon. He ingeniously forged a little hatchet out of his sword for his little step-son, and taught him how to chop down cherry trees with neatness and dispatch and own up to it afterwards. 184 CHAPTER XXIV. AN INCIDENT OF THE EEVOLUTION. It is always very noble and all that sort of thing when a nation or individuals sacri- fice anything for a principle. Sometimes such sacrifice meets with immediate reward and sometimes the reward is delayed and the parties making the sacrifice have to wait indefinitely for their pay. A little incident which bef el an ancestor of ours illustrates both these propositions to some extent, and having a few moments to spare we are tempted to relate it briefly, as follows. Nv On one memorable occasion, in pursuance of Washington's famous order to place none but Americans on ^ard, an imcestor of ours was detailed to ^ard certain military stores. The missiles of destruction, it will be noticed, were flying about in a style that seemed more promiscnous than sooth- ing to a nervons temperament. 136 Accidents will happen in the best regulated fainilieB and it certainly was no fault of our ancestor that a shell fired by unprincipled Britons, struck the military stores aforesaid destroying them, but, beyond giving a severe shock to his nervous system, the projectHe did our ancestor no harm aa it did not explode. loT As a reward for his valiant conduct, Washington begged our ancestor to accept the unexploded shell, which the lattei resolved to preserve as a souvenir of the adventure and hand down to posterity. 138 He carried it with him on many a weary march. 'Tis true he found it a serious inconvenience ofttimes. 140 But he remembered posterity and pressed on 141 Here we see him handing the relic down to posterity. 142 In after years posterity handed it over to an obnoxious female relative, who irreverently used it as a candlestick. H.3 On one occasion obnoxious female relative imprudently went to sleep, allowing the candle to bum low in its socket. 144 Need we say that posterity's obnoxious female relative got what she had often given him,— a severe blowing up "/ 145 CHAPTER XXV, THIS HISTORY DABBLES IN POLITICS MUCH AGAINST ITS WISHES — PRELIMINARY OBSERVATIONS— A CHAPTER OP ACCIDENTS AND PRESIDENTS—" LIVES OP GREAT MEN ALL REMIND US." We have always from childhood's hour instinctively recoiled from politics, and have thus far managed to keep out of Congress. If vrith equal success we can manage to keep out of jail for the rest of our natural existence we shall feel that life has not altogether been a failure. (This is what is called genuine broad American humor. If the reader can find nothing in it to excite his risibilities after a reasonable trial his money mil be refunded.) REJECTED GLOBT. 147 When it first reached the ears of the present Administration through the Libra- rian of Congress, to whom we applied for a copyright, that we were about to pub- lish a history of our native land, we received per return mail a letter signed by the Administration, asking us if we would accept the appointment of U. S. Minister to the South Sea Islands. This office had just been made vacant by the circumstance of the last incumbent having participated in a public banquet given in honor of his arrival at his consulate, and being himself the principal ingredient of a certain savory ragout^ his presence there, it would seem, proved fatal, and it was his place which we were invited to supply. ' We returned a somewhat evasive answer. We never voted but once in our life, and l^g AN EXPENSIVE LUXURY. that was at a presidential election soon after reaching our maj ority. We voted for , but no matter. To offend party prejudice at this time might be fatal to our hopes. The day after the election we received a bill of two dollars for "poll-tax," which the collector said we owed and we had bet- ter pay or have our body lodged in tlie county jail until w^e should call for it, and settle up what was due on it to the State. The unprincipled man had obtained our address from the registry books, and this our first ebulition of patriotism cost us two dollars. However much inclined we may be by nature and experience to avoid the subject of politics as a rule, it now becomes our duty to make mention of certain exponents of American politics, but whether to their ad DUTIES OF TEE PRESIDENT. 149 vantage or disadvantage will depend entire- ly upon the record they have left behind them. We take it for granted, (you may have noticed that a great deal is taken for grant- ed in this book,) that the reader is already acquainted with the duties of the President of the United States. If not, let him lose no time in reading up on the subject, for we are all liable at any moment to be nominated to the office, and it would be dreadfully mortifying not to know how to go to work. "We have seen in the preceeding chapters how liberty was planted on American soil, but the crop must be watched and taken care of, and for this duty the office of President was created. Eighteen different persons have successively undertaken the 150 G. W. ONCE MORE. contract of guarding the crop sown by our forefathers, and in one or two instances, we regret to say, these have turned out to be mere scarecrows, and sorry ones at that. This scathing remark is not intended to apply to George Washingtoit, who, as we have already shown, was the first President of the United States, and who did as well as could be expected for a first attempt. In fact, George did well whatever he undertook to do, and we have no complaint to make in these pages against him. On page 151 will be found some illustra- ted particulars concerning this great man's life, which our readers, young and old, will do well to imitate. The series of sil- houettes at the top of the page treat of the Story of the Little Hatchet. 162 THE OLD STORY. No. 1. Here we see the Grandfather of his Country climbing a cherry tree after cherries. No. 2. His little son (afterwards Father of his Country) is here seen chopping at said tree with his little hatchet. No. 3. How should he know that the old man was up said tree, and if so, what bus- iness had he up there anyhow ? No. 4. "I'll let you know," is what the old gentleman remarked. " I did it with my little hatchet," roared George as well as he could from his embarrassing position, " but I'll never do so no more ! " Advice gratis. When you chop down cherry trees wait until the old man goes out of town. No. 5. Gives us a fine view of the site of MR. ADAMS MAKES A MOVE. 153 Washington's birthplace, and shows what an enterprising man Dr. Binks is. No. 6. The crop of persons who have nursed and otherwise remember Washing- ton is pretty good this year. No. 7. Here we have a party who does 7101 remember Washington to any great extent. Thinks he has heard the name somewhere. " O piteous spectacle ! " Washington's immediate successor was John Adams, who was inaugurated March 4, 1797. He displayed superior capacity for the position by removing the national capital from Philadelphia to Washington, where it has remained ever since. It was a good rid- dance for Philadelphia, but rather severe on Washington. A LITEBABT TURN OF MIND. 156 Mr. Adams only served one term. He was naturally a little piqued at not being nominated the second time, and retiring to Quincy, Mass., lie started an opposition post office, where he passed his declining years. Thomas Jeffersojst was the third President of the United States. He was a gentleman of fine lite- rary attainments, his most popular works being the Declaration of Independence and a humorous poem called " Beautiful Snow." He wrote the latter during the winter of 1798, (which was the most severe of any within the memory of the oldest inhabit- ant,) working on it of nights. He served two terms, and in the Spring of 1809 went to work on a farm, where he spent the sun- BREAKERS AHEAD! 157 set of his days cultivating potatoes. He said it was easier tlian being President, and a great deal naore respectable. James Madison next took charge of the helm of State, and very unsettled weather he found it for a new beginner. During his Administration the country became involved in another war with Great Britain, growing out of certain liber. ties taken by the latter with American ves- sels upon the high seas. Whenever an English man-of-war ran short of hands its commander simply helped himself from the crew of any American merchantman he happened to encounter. James Madison stood it as long as he could, and then declared war. This was called 158 MR MONROE'S DOCTRINE. the *'War of Twelve," (afterwards increased to several thousand,) and lasted two years. Commodore Perry met the enemy on the Erie canal on the 10th of September, 1814, and after a spirited naval battle they were his property. ^^ See illustration. James Monkoe woke lip one fine morning in 1817 and found himself President of the United States. He set his wits to work and invented the " Monroe Doctrine," a neat and ingenious contrivance for preventing any foreign Power from starting branch houses in America. He got it patented. Mr. Monroe declined a third term on ac- count of the cry of " Csesarism" having been raised by a rural journal. On retiring ORIGIN GF THE WHITE HOUSE. 16] from public life Mr. Monroe entered upon literary pursuits, and wrote some very able dime novels. His master-piece, called " The Poisoned Peanut, or the Ghostly Goblin of the Gory Glen," has been translated into every language. John Quincy Adams, of Massachusetts, next tried on the president- ial shoes (1825). Business being dull, Mr. Adams whitewashed the Presidential Man- sion, (a barrel of lime having been appro- priated by Congress,) since which time it has been known as the White House. Mr. Adams conducted himself in a gen- tlemanly manner, kept good hours, and paid his board regularly. Andrew Jackson was next called to the chair. Mr. Jackson MB. JACKSON USES STRONG LANGUAGE. 1G3 lived chiefly upon hickory nuts, and it was in recognition of this well-known fact that he was affectionately nicknamed " Old Hickory " by his admirers. He sometimes made use of very forcible language, and on more than one occasion was distinctly heard to swear, '^by the eternal Jingo, the Constitution must and -shall be preserved ! " Mr. Jackson had been elected on the Democratic ticket. In our illustration Mr. Jackson is seen climbing a shell-bark hickory tree in quest of his favorite luxury. The portrait is striking. The shirt collar especially will be recognized by all who held office under this remarkable man. Martin Van Buren was inaugurated March 4, 1837. A finan- Cia Af/z:///CADKy, 164 VAN BUBEN'S FAILURE. 165 cial crash, called the panic of '37, immedi- ately followed, so it is to be feared that Martin was a bad financier. If we had been elected in his stead we would have adopted an entirely different financial pol- icy. The disastrous results of Van Buren's Administration are painfully apparent in the illustration on page 166. Harrisois^ — Tyler. William Henry Harrison moved into the White House March 4, 1841. He died just one month after, and Vice-President John Tyler stepped into his shoes. He put his foot in it, however, and astonished the party who had elected him (the Whigs) by his vetoing talents. He rather overdid it in the case of a bill passed by Congress; ^""'.^■^r MORE WAR CLOUDS, 167 to establish United States banks, and every member of his Cabinet resigned excepting Dan. Webster, who was then too busily en- gaged on his dictionary to think of making out a resignation. President Tyler was a handsome man but a bad manager. James K. Polk was elected on the Democratic ticket, by a large majority, in 1844, and managed to get into a row with Mexico by admitting Tex- as into the Union soon after his accession to the chair. Mexico set up a frivolous claim to the territory, which, owing to the prompt measures adopted by Mr. Polk, she was una'ble to establish. The war which followed between the United States and Mexico was short but A BATTLE PIECE. 169 sanguinary, as the reader will admit on ref- erence to our illustration, which, aside from its historical value, gives those of us who have never served our country an excellent opportunity of seeing how a battle is con- ducted without incurring any unneccessary risk. Whoever can look upon this fearful scene of carnage without having the cold chills run down his back must be stony hearted indeed. We would not like to board in the same block with such a person. Even as we write we fancy we can smell the sulphuric vapors of burning pow- der, but that after all may be only the German restaurant below getting dinner ready. With the exception of certain little ec- centricities of character, (hardly worth mentioning,) Mr. Polk proved a very AN IMPORTANT MEASURE. 171 desirable tenant of the White House, and on retiring left it in good repair. Taylor — Fillmore. Zachary Taylor took the White House off Mr. Polk's hands, but only survived six months. Vice-President Millard Fillmore succeed- ed liim, and having by accident discovered that there was a good deal of gold secreted about California, recognized the importance of admitting her into the Union lest some foreign Power should take it into its head to carry off the rich territory some dark night. There was special danger to be ap- prehended from China, which had already begun to make excavations from below. President Fillmore lost no time in taking California in, and many ambitious young gentlemen of culture went there and grew AN EVIDENT INCONGRUITY. 173 up witli the country. In the work of art on page 172, we behold one of the latter journeying toward the setting sun, accom panied by as many of the luxuries of civil ization as his limited means of transporta- tion will admit of. There seem to be one or two incongru- ities in this otherwise master-piece which we are at a loss how to reconcile with known laws of science. We allude more particularly to the phenomenon of the sun and moon shining simultaneously. But for the artist's usual respectful way of treat- ing serious subjects we should be inclined to suspect that he was trifling with our feelings. The worst of it is, the paradox escaped our notice until after the plates had been cast. We hope our artist will be able to explain it away on his return from Rome 174 FAILURES. James Buchaitan next undertook to fill the vacancy. Nature abhors a vacuum, and generally fills it with wind if it can do no better. Republics sometimes imitate her example, and the election of Mr. Buchanan was a case in point. He was chronically afflicted with " squatter sovereignity," and spent most of his time in trying to comprehend American politics. During Buchanan's Administration John BroAvn and Sons undertook the contract of exterminating slaver}^, and as an initial step seized and burned the United States Arsenal at Harper's Ferry. But the firm failed before the job was half completed. Mr. Brown's body now lies mouldering in the grave, but it is due to him to state th^t his soul goes marchiog on. 176 A LITTLE ANECDOTE. On a previous page will be found John Brown's soul in tlie act of marching. Our artist was unable to obtain a very exact •ketch as it was getting quite dark. Lincoln — Johnson. Abraham Lincoln was next voted into the chair, which reminds us of a little an* ecdote. Some years ago an Erie canal boat was weighing anchor in the harbor of New York preparatory to setting sail for Buffalo, when the Captain was hailed by a weary wayfarer, who said he wanted to go to Buffalo, and having no money was willing to work his passage. The heart of the old salt was touched; a tear stole down his weather-beaten cheek, and he allowed the poor man to lead one of the mules on the tow-path all the way to Buffalo. 178 THE FITNESS OF THINGS. Abraham Lincoln was willing to work Lis passage. He earned every cent of his salary, and rendered services to humanity which humanity will not soon forget. Soon after his inauguration, in 1861, the Southern rebellion broke out, which was eventually put down by the " hundred days' men." On page 179 will be found some cheerful par- ticulars of the war between the North and South, the more somber details of which we leave to other and abler pens and pen- cils. Vice-President Andrew Johnson succeed- ed Mr. Lincoln, with somewhat doubtful success. As Mr. Johnson was a tailor by education he seemed to be the man of all others cut out for the place; but his subse- quent conduct gave rise to conflicting opin- ions on this subject. He became the unfor 180 '*Mr POLICY,'' tunate proprietor of a "policy"* which gave Congress a good deal of trouble. Near the expiration of his official career he got a leave of absence, and " swung around the circle," (as he himself expressed it,) making speeches in which he compared himself to Andrew Jackson and seriously compromised himself by shamelessly ad- mitting that he had held every office in the gift of the people, from Alderman of his native village to President of the United States. During Mr. Johnson's Administration he had more woes on account of Congress '* Than wars or women have." Mr. Johnson would gladly have dispensed * Note. — Wr »have tried in vain to procure a ground plan of this " policy," hence we are unable to furnish any illustra- tion to this branch of our subject. TEE PRESENT INCUMBENT. 181 with Congress. Indeed, on one occasion lie made an attempt to impeach that body, but failed by one vote. Ulysses S. Gkant was put under bonds to keep the peace March 4th, 1869. He served two terms, and went abroad to avoid a third. RUTHERFOED B. HaYES was induced to move into the White House by the promise of new paint, and repairs to the front gate. Mrs. Hayes has proved a model housekeeper, but she declares she can neither abide nor displace the aroma of Grant's cigar. Justice to Mr. Hayes compels us to report good crops during his administration. He will not be a candi- ->^^ 18S AN OPENING. 183 date for reelection. A rumor is afloat that lie and his illustrious predecessor will buy the New York Sun, proposing to run it in the interests of conciliation. As soon as we ascertain who is to suc- ceed President Hayes, we will notify our readers by telephone. We have now placed the reader in pos- session of all the facts worth knowing in connection with the history of America from its very earliest discovery up to ten o'clock last night ; but before finally releas- ing his button-hole we beg to " show him round" a little among our peculiar institu- tions, and call his attention to a few evi- dences of national greatness which may never have struck him before. Let us, then, turn over a new leaf and open a new chapter. CHAPTER XX VT PROGRESS. OUR PATENT OFFICE REPORT — IS NECESSITY THE MOTHEB OF INVENTION? — A CASE IN CONTRADICTION— EEEC- TRICAL KITE— THE COTTON GIN — THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIN — THE FIRST STEAMBOAT — THE PRINTING PRESS — THE ATLANTIC CABLE — MORMONISM — AN APPARATUS — ART MATTERS. Popular superstition lias it tliat necessity is tlie mother of invention. We are sorry to deprive tlie world of an old saying, but we happen to know a person to whom the world is indebted for more useful inven- tions than any other person of our acquaint- 185 186 IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES. ance, and her name is Accident. For in stance, ELECTRICITY was accidentally discovered by that famous American statesman and philosopher, Ben- jamin Franklin, while indulging in his favorite pastime of flying a kite. He as- certained that it was unsafe to ily a kite in a thunder storm unless you have a lightning rod attached to your spinal column. This important discovery conferred upon society the priceless boon of the lightning-rod man. THE COTTOISr GIN is an American invention, but whether it compares favorably with " Old Tom " or " London Dock" we are unable to say. We do not believe in stimulants as a rule, yet it cannot be denied that the introduction of ^^v^ C^n7/y ^/K, 187 188 THE FIRST RAILWAY MONOPOLY. the new-fangled gin greatly stimulated the cultivation of cotton in America. THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIIS'. America took the lead in railroad con- struction, though the locomotive is claimed as an English contrivance. The first railway train was a somewhat crude affair, but it succeeded in making a sensation. The locomotive was built by Peter Cooper, and he it was who ran the machine on its experimental trip. The passengers were a surgeon, a chaplain, an editor, (names forgotton,) John Smith, and another fellow, (all dead-heads.) Mr. Cooper poked the fire, the other fellow pushed behind, while John Smith urbanely acted as cow-catcher. The clergyman rode in the smoking-car and meditated on the 190 STEAM NAVIGATION. piobabilities of ever seeing his family again this side of Jordan. The editor went to sleep, while the doctor sat behind ready to jump out and save himself in ease of acci- dent. After a delightful excursion of fifty miles or so into the country the party returned home — afoot. THE FIRST STEAMBOAT was discovered by E-obert Fulton September 4th, 1807. Our special artist was promptly on the spot, and we are thus enabled to lay before our readers all that is worth know- ing of this event in the picture opposite. THE TEN-CYLINDER PRINTING PRESS. Newspapers have become a household necessity in every well-regulated American 192 THE POWER OF THE PRESS. family. They mould public opinion, and are handy to light fires with. The univer- sal use of newspapers gave rise to the ten- cylinder printing press, an American in ven tion. The publication of a daily newspaper is one of the most lucrative professions of the day, and we strongly advise our Amer. ican youth to abandon all idea of ever becoming Pj*esident, and save up all their pennies to start newspapers with when they grow up. An ably-conducted daily newspaper brings from two and a half to three cents per poimd at the junk dealers, when times are good. On page 193 are some illustrated features of a well-oon- ducted newspaper office. The central pic- ture is full of tender pathos. The editor and proprietor (evidently a man of slender 194 CABLE-ISTTG COMMUNICATION. means) is seen working off his edition, as- sisted by his near relatives. Each individ- ual, from the proud wife and doting mother to the infant at her breast, seems to attach weight to the enterprise with a degree of en- thusiasm that ought to encourage any man. TIIE ATLANTIC CABLE. The Electro-Magnetic Submarine Trans- Atlantic Anglo-American Telegraph Cable is, perhaps, the most wonderful of all Yan- kee notions. By its agency our great morning dailies are able to get the most um^eliable foreio:n news at the low rate of ten dollars per word. The only wonder is how people on both sides of the water ever got on so long without the cable. On page 195 is a picture representing the submarine cable, for which we cannot help 196 A LADY'S MAN. suspecting tlie artist lias drawn largely on his imagination. MOEMONISM is of doubtful origin. Some authorities give the credit of its invention to Joseph Smith, while others do not hesitate to ascribe its origin to a gentlemen whom the mind naturally associates with sulphuric gases. However that may be, Mormonism is one of the institutions of the country, and Brigham Young is its prophet, his present address being Salt Lake City, Utah. Mr. Young makes a specialty of matri- mony, and has taken strict precautions to guard against widowhood, as will be seen by reference to our illustration, in whicL are seen Mr. and Mrs. Young on theii bridal tour. 198 ^ BIVAL WORK. Brigham makes it a point of etiquette to many every unmarried lady to whom he happens to be introduced, and his life is a perennial honeymoon. To the merely Gentile man, whose matrimonial experience has been conducted on monogamic princi- ples, the hardihood of Mr. Young is simply appalling. AN APPAEATUS to keep hens from setting is an ejfferves- cence of the fertile brain of, well, no mat- ter who. It speaks for itself. For further information on the interest- ing subject of Yankee ingenuity we com- mend the reader's" careful perusal of the United States Patent Office Eeport, a work unequaled for the brilliancy of its conception and startling dramatic situa- 'Ajrjnrq£y]rj^j/s//yr£a'r/a^ 199 200 MISDIREGTED EFFORT. tions, and which, for its conscientious adhesion to facts, only has a rival in the present work. AET MATTERS. The visitor to the Capitol, at Washing- ton, will be struck with the paucity of American art, as evinced by the specimens of painting and sculpture to be seen in the Rotunda and immediate vicinity of that structure. BaiTels of paint and whole quarries of marble have been sacrificed by an inscrutable Congress, whose sole object seems to have been to frighten its constit- uency away from the scene of its dark plottings with grotesque AVashingtons, fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies, and unprincipled looking Puritans. Some meritorious works of art, however, have ONLY WAITING. 201 lately found their way to the Capitol by accident, but let us have more of them. We humbly submit a few designs for equestrian statuary, which only await a misappropriation by Congress, as follows : EQUESTRIAN STATUARY, Plate I. — Statue for a great American military hero who always kept his face to the foe. 203 EQUESTRIAN STATUARY. Plate II. — Is for another great military hero (a memher of militia) who would have kept his face to the foe if circumstances had been favorable. 203 EQUESTRIAN STATUARY, Plate III. —Equestrian statue of a public gentleman who kept his face wherever it suited his convenience. •204 EQ UE8TB1AN STATUAR Y. Plate IV. ~A statue (also equestrian) for a great politician of foreign origin who rose from humble beginnings to great achievements. 205 CHAPTER XXVII. SOME ABORIGINAL IDEAS — VriSE MEN AT WORK — MOUND BUILDING FROM FORCE OP HABIT — SUBTERRANEAN MISCELLANY — THE LOST TRIBE THEORY WON'T DO — AUTOGRAPH SPECIMEN OF PICTURE WRITING — LIGHT AT LAST — PICTURESQUE HABITS OP THE INDIANS. The origin of the North American Indian has always been shrouded in the deepest mystery, and wise-heads of every age and clime have sought to tear aside the veil and show us our aboriginal brother in his true colors. Some of these learned gentlemen have carried their zeal to the extent of renting wigwams in the Indian country, and living PHILOSOPHERS AT WORK. 207 among these primitive children of the forest, hoping, by dint of listening at key-holes, to overhear some remark dropped by them that would reveal where they emigrated from, but nothing came of it but premature baldness to the wise-head so investigating. Others again have comfortably settled down into the belief that these singular members of society are a revised edition of the strayed or stolen tribes of Israel that have so long been advertised for in vain. - In support of this theory the latter class of philosophers has dived into side hills, (supposed to have been thrown up by an eccentric race of Indians known as mound builders,) turning up every conceiv- able article of second-hand Indian miscel- lany, and asking the world to believe that these mysterious "mounds" were simply 208 EXPLANATIONS. subterraneous pawnbroker's shops, built and conducted in obedience to a well-known national instinct, and that the articles they contain are nothing more nor less than unre- deemed pledges "left" by impecunious pre- historic ladies and gentlemen who were compelled to resort to that means of raising the wind. On page 209 our artist shows us the ex- ponents of the latter theory at work, and also gives us a singularly correct drawing of some of the bric-a-brac which they have unearthed. We will take the liberty of explaining further, and tell all we know concerning the supposed uses of these mysterious articles. A is supposed to be a surgical instru- ment. B, an instrument of torture. C, toilet article. D, lady's ear ornament. E, 209 210 INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE. ancient drinking vessel. F, tombstone, with inscription. G, pottery. H, musical instru- ment. I, skull of native (deceased). In tlie lower series we have : No. 1 , artist's utensil. 2, uses unknown to the author. 3, patent hen's nest (badly out of repair). 4, vinaigrette. 5, projectile. 6, bracelet. 7, war club. 8, burglar's tool (very ancient). 9, cooking utensil. After going carefully over this array of evidence one naturally hesitates before look- ing further for a theory. But, taking for granted that the Indians really are a rem- nant of those mislaid Israelites, the diffi- culty next arises as to how the dickens they got here, for when the Israelites were first missed there was as yet no railway communication between this country and Asia, and unless they tunneled their way CULPABLE NEQLWENUE, 211 up through, via China, it is difficult to account for their presence here. In common with other great minds, we, too, have devoted much of our spare time to the effort of setting our red brother on his legs before the world, and of tracing his footprints back through the ages, but until quite recently we have been uni- formly baffled. The fact is, our red brother ought really to have kept a diary. He would thus have saved us wise-acres much trouble and unnecessary expense. The next time we hope he will not over- look this important detail. As we said, all our efforts to trace the Indians back to their origin had failed until recently. We rejected the '^ rem- nant " theory after a fair trial. We com- pared this remnant with the original piece 212 ON TEE RIGHT TRACK. Cso claimed), and found it a bad match, In tlie face of strong evidence we re- newed our efforts, wliicli were destined to meet witli reward, as will be seen pres- ently. A montli or two since it luckily occurred to us to address a letter to a skillful sachem, (who happens to be an acquaintance of ours, and is at present located out West,) upon this interesting subject. This gentleman, who is of the Choctaw persuasion, and was christened Gimme- chaivtyhachee^ {Billious Jake^ sent us a most courteous and comprehensive reply, which came to hand a few days since, and which covers the whole ground in the most lucid manner. We wonder we never thought of it before. We here insert Billious Jokers letter ai3 214 ABORIGINAL EGGENTRI0ITIE8. 215 verbatim. It is a master-piece of composi- tion, and sets the matter forever at rest {Daily papers please copy,) Before changing the subject, we should really like to pictorially look into the habits of these strange victims of circum- stances. Examine page 214, if you please. In No. 1 we see a stony-hearted savage taking a very mean advantage of a white captive, and torturing him to death in the most horrible and deliberate manner. No. 2, an early settler pursued by a native. No. 3, Indian barber. And lastly, in No. 4, we have an Indian gentleman journeying towards the setting sun on dead-head prin- ciples. *' His faithf al dog shall bear him company." — Campbell. CHAPTER XXVIIL AMERICAN SCENERY. Few countries can boast such a variety of natural features as our own America. To the intelligent toui^ist of unlimited bank account this country affords abun- dant material for the study of nature with all the modern improvements, including gas, hot and cold water, and an elevator running every five minutes up to the fif- teenth floor. Terms invariably in advance. Our illustration on the opposite page conveys but a feeble idea of the magnitude of some of the wonderful freaks of nature 218 NATURE'S DOINGS. which the tourist "doing" American is liable at any moment to stumble upon. In No. 1 we have the Mammoth Cave. It takes its name from the gentleman upon whose property it is located, and who uses it as a sub-cellar in Winter, and locks himself up in it during the tax-gathering season. Our illustration treats of the latter period. The Natural Bridge (No. 2) is a marvel of architecture, and is lavishly decorated with appropriate inscriptions. No. 3 hardly comes under the head of Natural Scenery., and would appear to be rather a sudden change from the sweet realms of nature to the busy haunts of men ; but contrast is everything, and we turn from this turbulent scene to one of delicious repose. No. 4, a Western prairie. Here the eye wanders off over a //////////// 219 rich and varied landscape of level country, till finalljT- in the distance it encounters what ? a vast spider ? No. That is only the setting sun, as v^e ascertained in a private conversation with the artist. No. 5. We hardly know how to treat this matter. In writing about Niagara it is customary to either rush madly into poetry or break hysterically into exclamation points. We had heard a great deal about the awful majesty of Niagara Falls, and went there to obtain, if possible, a personal interview, intending to write it up in a style that would bankrupt our printer. We say we went there expecting much, but we found that the half had not been told us. If it had, we should have remained at home. Perhaps the least said about it the better. GRAFTER XXIX, BOMB WORD PAINTING ON THE SUBJECT OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE— THE AFFAIRS OF THIS STRANGE EVENTFUL HISTORY WOUND UP. A work of this nature would be incom- plete without some slight allusion to the American Eagle. With reference to that ornithological specimen, we may remark that the first century of his career has been an eventful one. His wings have from time to time been cropped by foreign foes in a style that has made it unnecessary as well as impossible to scorch them against the sun. His tail feathers have been ex- tracted bv internecine strife in a manner ^.^^sgxaf/!t< ^^JtASS0<^^ sn 222 ''LAST SCENE OF ALL-^ that has made it extremly difficult for him to steer his majestic course amid the blue ether of Freedom, and his flight at times has been awkward and eccentric in the extreme. In short, the plumage has been plucked from various parts of his body by divers evil-disposed persons to such an ex- tent as to make aerial navigation in a rare- fied atmosphere an uncomfortable, not to say highly injurious pursuit. Notwithstanding all this we feel author- ized to inform the public that our national fowl is as tough as a boarding-house spring chicken ; that he will continue to roost at his present address until further notice, spreading his wings from the Atlantic to the Pacific, beneath the shadow of which all persons of good character are invited to come (references exchanged). Here every THIS 8TBAN0E EVENTFUL BISTOBT.'' 223 one, from the peon to the prince, if not sat- isfied with 'his present situation, can find a refuge, and by strict attention to business become an Alderman of somebody else's native village and have canal boats named after him, or, (by very strict attention to business) even rise to be President* of the United States ! THE END. ♦Note — Since the above piece of rhetoric went to press we have ascertained (quite accidentally) that persons are not eligible to this oflBce who have the misfortune to be bom abroad. Therefore we hastily append this postscript lest any unsuspecting peon or prince who might chance to read these pages be inveigled over here under a misapprehension. If he comes now it must be on his own responsibility. ,^-^ ^<^ ^.^.#^ ^^ ^_% • o . ., > , o "oo^ ,-0' ,0 c ^ ^- ''^^^ ^^ -n^. '^<>> .^Vv^ .V xO o. ^#5 '?'^?^, .^ -7*/ ..^ ,0o^ >\» .0 o ^' '^r, M "^^, v^' ^^^^" .^^' •^^. ,-N' ^' u. ^* .^^' .^^ "^'^- vO o'^-' "^ ^- -x' -'-s-. ^^.. <^^ -OO^- '•»>,. V LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 01 1 448 455 6