The Magic Talisman, 
 
 A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS. 
 
 ^^^ [ AU G 2 7 lyy-; 
 
 BY GEORGE E. WALLER. 
 
 IT A T T 1?T? ' / 
 
 1 I \ 
 
 PRICE TWENTY CENTS 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1894, BY GEORGE E. WALLER. 
 
 Rkpt'rijcan Pktnt. MoNTTrKM>(), N. Y. 
 
THE MAGIC Talisman 
 
 A Comedy in Four* Acts 
 By George E. "Waller, 
 
 C^AST OF CHARAC^TERS: 
 
 King Henry, A Self-Deposed Moiiaicli. 
 The Queen, His Loving Spouse. 
 The Dutchess, Elderly Maiden Sister of the King. 
 Squire, A (?) Titled Nativ^e of New Jersey. 
 Wizard, A Dealer in Black Arts. 
 Valet, The Faithful Servant of the King. 
 Countrymen, Lords of Agricultural Departments, Soldiers, 
 % Criers. Postmen, «S:c. 
 
 '\ ^^„^ 
 
 SYNOPSIS OF PLAY 
 
 ACT I. — Scene 1. — Roadside near Hoboken, N. J., U. S. A. 
 Arrival of King and Suite. The Giving of the Magic Talisman. 
 The Talisman is Lost. 
 
 AC/T IL — Scene L — Farm House of King Hemy. Recep- 
 tion Room. The King Meets a Bull. How about that Charm. 
 The Squire in Hot Water. The ( "ourt Assembles, The S(piii'e's 
 Life in Danger. 
 
 ACT III. — Farm House Kitchen, Wliv Does the Talisman 
 Fail? The Riddle. Alas 'Tis Forgotten] Isabella Hidden, 
 'fhe King and the .Jersey Lightning. The King AN'axes T*en- 
 sive. A Peculiar I-'iddle. 
 
 ACT IV.— Drawing Room. The Last Merry Night. The 
 Squire Proposes. Music. Isabella Produced. The Squire Re- 
 peats the Magic Words. The Talisman Discovered. Happy 
 Ending. 
 

 
 ACT I. 
 
 Scene I. — Roadside in the vicinity of Hoboken, N. J., U. S. A. 
 Two Countrymen in Conversation. 
 
 1st C. AVell, Tom, if it isn't you. Where have you been keep- 
 ing yourself lately? 
 
 2d C. I have been to the city visiting Uncle Bill for the last 
 three weeks. 
 
 1st C. I suppose you have had a big time ? 
 
 2d C. You'd better bet I've had. I've been to see nearly every 
 theatre in the city, attended six different churches, 
 was up in the statue of Liberty, got roped in twice 
 by bunco men, got converted in the Salvation Army, 
 saw four fires and saw a thundering big horse with 
 eight legs and two heads in a dime museum, got run 
 over by a truck, fell down an air hole in the walk, 
 attended three political meetings, was — 
 
 1st C There, never mind the rest; you must have enjoyed 
 yourself every minute? 
 
 2d C. I did. I got up in the top of the World building, cross- 
 ed the Brooklyn Bridge, rode fifty-three times in the 
 elevated cars, and then — 
 
 1st C. There, cut it short. What's the matter with your ear? 
 
(3.) 
 
 !2(1 ('. Oil was riding around in the cable cars on Broadway 
 street. I got in a car one night, light l^ehind the 
 darndest dude you ever saw. The blamed car started 
 so sudden that before 1 could sit down, I fell back ker 
 flop on the dude and his cane and my ear had a col- 
 lision. It broke the cane and that dude was awful 
 niad. He called me a big hayseed, and when I asked 
 him if his mama often let him go S(j far away from 
 home alone, all the people in the car laughed at him 
 and he got up and otf. He left part of his cane, 
 and I picked it \ip and started to give it to him. The 
 car started off like a shot again, and I fell down flat, 
 and the piece of the cane flew and skinned a fat man's 
 nose. I'hen I got otf and began to look in the v/in- 
 dows, till a policeman told me to light out of there. 
 Then I went — 
 
 1st C. Hold on and wait for your breath to catch up with you. 
 Have you heard the news? 
 
 2d C'. How could I hear any news in New York? 
 
 1st C. Well, there's lots of news that will interest you. 
 
 2d C. What it is? I heard a fellow in New York say that. 
 Its the latest. 
 
 1st C. Smith's farm has been sold to the fimniest people you 
 ever saw. Two of them have been here, but have 
 gone away again. 
 
 2d C. Who are they? 
 
 1st C It's hard to tell. It is reported that the owner of the 
 farm is a king, and that he has two wives, and that 
 aji old wrinkled magician is with them. Then 
 there are about ten others. 
 
 2d C. W^here are they from? 
 
 1st C. Nobody knows. Everybody has been trying to hud 
 out but they have not been able to as yet. 
 
 2d C. When are they to come here? 
 
 1st C.'. I heard they' were due here to-day. I am going up 
 around the Smith place to see them move in. 
 
(4.) 
 
 2d ( '. AVell, I must go over to the post office to see if I have 
 
 any mail. Going along? 
 1st C. Yes, guess I will. (Exeunt.) 
 
 Enter Valet with wheelbarrow piled up ^^ith boxes, &c. Up- 
 sets in middle of stage and everything falls out. V. starts 
 to pick up the ^^^^eck and speaks. 
 
 V. Well, there is no accounting for tastes. What will ever 
 come of this I can't tell. Good King Henry, and the 
 sun never shone on a nobler monarch, was informed 
 less than a month ago that his subjects were dissatis- 
 fied with his reign, and were plotting his overtlirow\ 
 Now he is nothing if not obliging. As soon as he learn- 
 ed of the attempt, he immediately surrendered his 
 throne, and sent an agent to America, and bought a 
 farm in New Jersey. We, I and the rest, his faithful 
 subjects have followed him here, but I wonder what 
 the people will say when they see him. He, and all, 
 left the Isle of Content where we have lived so happily, 
 and are here. I am the advance guard. The King says 
 we must economize, so I supx)Ose we must — that's why 
 I have this vehicle, instead of a coach; but it will be 
 hard to do it. Well, now forward for the mansion pur- 
 chased from Smith. 
 
 Four postmen enter wath chair carrying K., Q. and D. 
 
 King. Halt. 
 
 Postmen stop. 
 
 K. I don't Avish to lecture you, but it has just come into my 
 head that you are moving remarkably slow. Now what 
 I wish to remark is this, I would be infinitely obliged if 
 you would move faster. Being very quick myself, J 
 wish to see others so. Now travel. 
 
 Postmen move fast and exit. Ent«r and fall. Chair wrecked. 
 King and Queen step out. 
 
Kiiiu^. There, that ends mir chaiiot. 1 always thought it 
 would come to some untimely end ever since my 
 great-grand-father allowed his uncle to go to a dance 
 in it. Howevei', I've no further use for it, so I may 
 as well give it a farewell kick. 
 
 Kicks and hits Dutchess in stomach. D. shrieks. Is assisted 
 from chair by Queen. 
 
 Queen. Henry, I bid you be calm. Your Crown is dented and 
 your Scepter is broken. It is a significant fact: We 
 shall never reign again. 
 
 King. I guess we rained* down enough just then to last awhile. 
 
 Queen. Here are the remains of my life-long devotion. 
 
 (Draws out Cat.) 
 Here is poor, murdered Isabella, slain by your cruel 
 hand. 
 
 King. I think it was my cruel crown that caused the death of 
 Isabella. If I was certain that my crown had been 
 dented by that cat — 
 
 Queen. Cease? Your cruel arts can no longer avail against Isa- 
 bella. She is at rest. 
 
 King. "Rest quiet cat in pace." 
 
 Queen. I'll have her stuffed and will care for her just the same. 
 
 King. Ethel, dear, are you mortally injured? 
 
 Ethel. No, Henry, I have survived the blow, and feel easy. 
 
 King. That woman has a tough stomach. 
 
 Enter Valet with wheelbarrow. 
 
 King. The Queen and Dutchess— she looks dutch— nnist be 
 
 conveyed to the pal I mean the farm. See to it 
 
 that they are given the means. 
 
 Women try to ride. 
 
 King. I thiidc I'll walk. 
 
 Women are at last carried off. K. and V. remain. 
 
(6.) 
 
 King. Faithful Clinton, Doe'st see the Wizard approach? 
 
 Valet. He comes apace, your majesty. 
 
 King. A terribly slow pace, Clinton. 
 
 Valet. He will be here presently, your highness. 
 
 King. If he doesn't get here presently, he'll find me here ab- 
 sently. 
 
 Valet. The Wizard approaches. 
 
 King. Then leave me. Stay! Tell the Queen to have fried 
 onions for supper. I'm out of the king business now, 
 and mean to enjoy life. 
 
 Enter Wizard. 
 
 Wizard. Greeting, most noble King, 
 
 King. Tommy, we are in New Jersey now, and nnist do as the 
 New Jerseyites do. Yesterday, while in Hoboken, 
 I heard a man gi ve a salutation that sounded like 
 Begates, Give m e that and do not fall at my feet 
 hereafter. 
 Wizard. Your feet, big eights, your majesty. 
 King. That is most excellent. Now your errand? 
 Wizard. I have procured the magic talisman of our native 
 country, which will protect you from harm, while 
 you are in a strange land. It is proof against all 
 the harms and ills which may befall you. 
 King. Will it protect me from Jersey mosquitoes? 
 Wizard. Even them. Here is talisman; treasure it as you 
 would your life. My wisdom hath gotten it for 
 you. 
 King, I am touched with great and heartfelt thanks, Tommy. 
 Have you a quarter? 
 
 Wizard gives King money. 
 
 King. Here is your reAvard. In Hoboken it was good for 
 
 eight quarts. 
 Wizard. Big eights, your excellency. 
 
King. And now we will away to the C'as to the farm. 
 
 K. sees cat and picks it up. Cat in one hand talisman in the 
 other. Cat held up by its ear. Enter Queen. 
 
 Queen. O, I have forgotten Isabella. Where is she? Ah 
 Henry, you are still persecuting that cat. Surrend- 
 er her to ine! 
 
 King. My dear, I bid you be calm. Dead cats have less feel- 
 ing in their ears than anywhere else. 
 
 Queen. Jest not on such a mournful subject. 
 
 K. holds cat out. Ear comes off. 
 
 Queen. You monster! You brute! If you keep on, 1 can't 
 
 have Isabella stuffed. 
 King. Peace, my love. If Isabella has ear-i-sipilas, after 
 
 this, it will only be on one side. 
 
 Queen picks up cat. 
 
 Queen. Give me that ear. 
 
 K. gives talisman by mistake, and keeps ear. (Enter D. and V.) 
 
 Queen. C'linton, take the mortal remains of Isabella, and have 
 
 them stuffed, with cotton inside. 
 King. Clinton, be careful of that ear, and have it stuffed 
 
 with cotton inside. 
 Queen. Clinton, have it stuffed it its most natui-al way. 
 King. Clinton, tell the stuff er to leave out the yowl. 
 Iving. Now I will put the talisman where it will be safe_ 
 
 There, now we'll see if it works as Tonnny says. 
 
 Oh-h-h I've forgotten my violin. Bring it! get it! 
 
 It's at the station. AVhat-ho-ho-ho, 
 
 Enter postmen. 
 
 King. Go at once and get my violin. 'Tis death if you hurry 
 not. 
 
(S.) 
 
 Exit postmen. 
 
 King. While we are waiting for my fiddle, suppose we call 
 on that fellow going along there with that flap-jack, 
 to stop and give us a little music. 
 
 All call. Enter man with banjo. (Ten minutes intermission 
 
 for music.) 
 Enter postman with fiddle all broken to pieces. 
 
 Postman. Here is your violin, sorr; and the baggage smasher 
 do say sor, that a big trunk fell on it son-, and 
 smashed the divil out of it sor. 
 
 King. I believe it for my mother told me so. 
 
 King kicks at postman and upsets. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
(0.) 
 
 ACT If. 
 
 Scene T. — Reception Room. Enter Ethel, the Duchess. 
 
 Ethel. This is an awful life and things keep gwing on \, ci sc 
 and w orse. The poor queen is working too hard for 
 her health, and the king, my brother, the king, he is 
 too lazy to move, and seems to enjoy this thorough- 
 ly. It's disgraceful I must declare, but there is one 
 thing for which I must be happy. I'v^e got an ardent 
 and sincere admirer in the Squire. A real squire, in 
 this land of no titles. They say he has been Justice 
 of the Peace for fiv^e years. Well, I feel happy on 
 the whole, so I won't grumble. A maiden of eigh- 
 teen summers should be merry. Ha, Ha. (Exit.) 
 
 Enter King. 
 
 King. If she is only eighteen summers, they must have been 
 passed at the north pole. 
 
 Enter AVizard. 
 
 King. Tommy, how about this charm-' Everything seems 
 to go wrong. I guess it's working the wrong way. 
 Wizard. That, your majesty, is a thing that has puzzled me 
 more than a little. The charm was all right, that 
 I know. How it is that the signs have failed, is a 
 thing I cannot yet find out. 
 King. If it's all right, Tommy, why slu)uld that bull I bought 
 have chased me and butted me t)ver the fence? And 
 why, when I lit, did I land in a mud puddle? It tore 
 my best pants nearly olf of me. Tommy, and split 
 my vest all up the back. I haven't got the mud quite 
 oiit of ray ear yet. Tommy, and it happened day be- 
 fore yesterday. 
 
(10.) 
 
 Yv'izarcL It is a fanny thing your excellency; I'll find out the 
 reason before long. 
 
 King. If I should happen to be killed before you find out, 
 Tommy, please send me on word. I'm very anxious 
 to know why it has failed to work. 
 
 Wizard. As you say, most worthy. 
 
 King. Now I'll take a comfortable half hour before (Jourt be- 
 gins. 
 
 Takes big pipe down, begins to smoke. (Exit K.) 
 
 Knock. Eepeat. Enter Squire. Tries on crown. Hangs up 
 hat in place of crown. Enter Q. Scxuire dives under table. 
 Queen holds up trovrsers and vest. 
 
 Queen. How fortunate that Henry was not killed. How un- 
 fortunate for these trousers. I don't know what I 
 can do with them. 
 
 Squire peeps out and bangs crown on table. 
 
 Queen. What was that? I thought I heard a noise. (Exam- 
 ines.) Well, I must have been mistaken. Now I will 
 start on these. Where will I start first? I have 
 some red flannel from my old petticoat that will help 
 me to patch this break. 
 
 Begins to sew. Enter Ethel. 
 
 Ethel. Well, my dear, are you trying to repair the trow — r— 
 
 ha, ha. 
 Queen. Yes I'm collecting the rents. How bright you look 
 
 to-day. 
 Ethel. Yes, I've great cause to be happy. I have met a lovely 
 
 and titled man, the squire of the village. 
 Queen. Is he good looking. 
 
 Ethel. He's handsome, and so gallant. I went to the store 
 yesterday for a gallon of vinega.r and he met me and 
 insisted on carrying it home. 
 
(11.) 
 
 Queen. How lovely. 
 
 Ethel. (Looking out). He promised to come over here this 
 morning and play chess. I wonder what keeps him? 
 Queen. He may be sick. 
 
 Ethel. Oh, say not so. AVere he ill I'd fly to him and nurse 
 him. 
 
 Squire again peeps out and bumps crown. 
 
 E. and Q. Oh-h-h! There is something uncanny in this room. 
 
 Ethel. I believe there is some horrid monster concealed about 
 
 here. 
 Queen. Let's call guards and have the intruder put to death. 
 
 Here comes the King, Ave'll tell him. 
 
 Enter King and Pages, followed by courtiers. 
 
 King. Now for our morning's work. I'm a little lame. I've 
 just been down to the stable, and in behind the colt. 
 I tickled his hind foot with a straw, and he raised 
 me. Yeast wasn't in it. I was. When I tickle an- 
 other colt with a straw, I'll tie a mattress to his foot. 
 
 Takes ta):)le and drags to side of stage. Upsets Squire. 
 
 What makes this pesky table move so hard ? I be- 
 lieve it's glued to the floor. 
 
 Pulls again and rights Squire. 
 
 There, now its all right. I've hit upon a happy plan. 
 I've been so used to reigning, that now each day I 
 hold Court and investigate the way things are going 
 on on the farm. It's very nice and helps pass a\Aay 
 the time. 
 
 Pages bring in boxes and make throne on table for K. and Q. 
 Enter All. 
 
(12.) 
 
 Criev. Here ye! Here ye! Here ye! All luanner of things 
 which are in the dominion of King Henry, the 78th, 
 noAv (iraY\' ye nigh, and give heed to the will and dis- 
 position of the King! The Lord of the Poultry will 
 approach. 
 
 L. of P. Your majesty, I have a good day's record to present: 
 The speckled hen has laid four eggs to-day. 
 
 King. She has done well and should be rev%Tirded. Allow her 
 to lay four more to-morrow, 
 
 L. of P. There a.re altogether 2 dozen eggs in the royal nests. 
 
 King. Take them to ( ) and exchange them for 
 
 peanuts. I'm very fond of peanuts. 
 
 King. Stay! Has that vrhite rooster laid any eggs yet? 
 
 L. of P. No, your highness. 
 
 King. OijL with his head. I can't afford to keep useless stock. 
 
 Exit L. of P. 
 
 V. The Lord of the Cattle. 
 
 L. of C. The cattle have d.one well, great king. The brindle 
 
 covv had a calf last night. 
 King. Good. Take the calf immediately to the depositor and 
 have it take the oath of allegiance. 
 
 L. of C. bows and starts. 
 
 King. Stay! If it refuses, take it to ( ) and sell it for 
 
 bob-veal. 
 
 Crier. The Lord of the Stables. 
 
 King. Well Peter, what report ? 
 
 L. of S. Somp bloomin' ijit has been foolin' wid der colt, and 
 
 made it so ugly, I can't go near it. If I find out who 
 
 it is, I'll smash their nose. 
 King. (Holding nose) You may go Peter, (aside) He's worse 
 
 than the colt. 
 Crier. The Lord of the Onions. 
 King. Are the onions ripe yet, Jim.? 
 L. of O. They have not come up yet, your excellency. 
 
as.) 
 
 King. Well, here's a pretty state of aifairs. Planted fovir 
 
 days ago, aTid not ripe yet. I had counted on 
 
 having some fried for dinner. Secretary, what are 
 
 onions v% orth a quart ? 
 Secretary. Fifteen cents. 
 King. Deduct that much from James' salary and get a quart. 
 
 We can't have any slouches in our Kingdom, and I 
 
 must have onions. 
 Oriei'. The Lord of the Turkeys. 
 L. of T. The big turkey had its head cut olf by mistake this 
 
 morning. 
 King. Pl'm, that was the Queen's favorite turkey. Hf) ve it 
 
 stuffed — with oyster stuffing and serve it for dinner. 
 Secretary. The statement awaits youi' royal signature. 
 King. Then I will adjust my crown and sign. 
 
 Reaches for crown and gets Squire's hat. 
 
 King. What ho ! My crown is gone ! WIkj hath replaced 
 it with this ? 'Tis death ! (tUaps hands; 4 soldiers 
 enter with drawn swords.) Search out the thief and 
 slay him. This indignity and shame to a monarch! 
 Cut him in a thousand pieces. Hunt him out and 
 be quick about it ! 
 
 King and Queen arise and go to step down. Soldiers make 
 lunges with swords under throne. Squire arises and upsets 
 throne, K. & Q. and stands behind table holding crown. E. 
 throws arms around Squire and protects him. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
(14.) 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 Scene 2. — Farm House Kitchen. 
 Opens and performs magic. 
 
 Enter Wizard with a box. 
 
 Wizard. I shall now try and find w^hat is the cause of the tal- 
 isman's failure. Since I gave it to good King Hen- 
 ry, it has failed to work. That talisman too! The 
 most potent in all our country. It was taken from 
 the left ear of a yellow tom cat, with a white 
 head, in a cave of bones, v.^here the cat had gone to 
 catch a three-legged mouse. The cat was killed 
 with a bow and arrow by the seventh son of a. son- 
 of-a-gun, and boiled with soft soap and sassafras 
 by a witch for four and twenty days. The cat was 
 well done and the ear was then cut off and its 
 charm should never fail. 
 
 Proceeds with magic. Enter Clinton, the Valet. 
 
 Clinton. Ah, Wizard, busy with your incantations ? 
 
 Wizard. Silence. 
 
 Clinton. Where ? 
 
 Wizard. Silence. 
 
 Clinton. What are you trying to find out ? 
 
 Wizard. Silence. 
 
 Clinton. O, talk, will you ? What 
 
 Clinton knocked down by unseen force. Starts to leave. 
 
 Wizard. Stay, fear not, and cease to rave; 
 
 We yet may good King Henry save. 
 Clinton. 1 haven't time. I must go and get something for 
 
 supper. 
 
 Wizard. Remain. Go not. Right here thou stay, 
 Or life the penalty will pay. 
 
(15.) 
 
 (Uintoii. My mother has the measels. I must go and get the 
 doctor. 
 
 Wizard. 'Tis false, thy mother's long since dead. 
 Remain, or death be on thy head. 
 
 Clinton. I don't want to. I'm afraid. 
 
 Wizard. Fear not. Approach. All will be right: 
 And thou shall see a wondrous sight. 
 
 Clinton advances trembling and assists Wizard. W. draws a 
 circle. They step inside, W^. performs incantations. 
 
 Wizard. Move not now, and guard thy breath; 
 To cross that line is courting death. 
 
 Clinton shoves foot on circle and cries — "O! my toe!" 
 
 Wizard. Have a care ! Ah, now attend, 
 The master doeth its spirit send. 
 
 Rumbling is heard accompanied by lightning. 
 
 Wizard. Spirit of Might, now draw thee near, 
 And tell us why the charm most dear, 
 Hath failed to work ? We bid thee tell, 
 Who wish our good King Henry well. 
 
 Spirit appears and repeats "Thy message ?" 
 
 Wizard. Why does the charm of the Rule of Three 
 Fail in its work ? That answer me. 
 
 Spirit. A riddle, a riddle, must answer thee. ' 
 
 Wizard. The riddle ? 
 
 Spirit. Isn't it funny that a black cat should have a white ear? 
 
 Spirit disappears. Lights. W. (fc C. step from circle. 
 
 Wizard. And now, at last we have obtained 
 
 The answer, and a big point gained; 
 
 'Tis well. The riddle we will bind. 
 
 And keep it ever in our mind. 
 CUinton. It has been answered very clearly. 
 
(16.) 
 
 Wizard. It has not yet been fully told, 
 
 But all the rest will soon unfold. 
 Remember the saying, 'tis not a joke, 
 Remember the ^vords that the spirit spoke. 
 
 Clinton, I do, it was: Isn't it a pretty good joke to see a tin 
 
 ear on a torn cat? 
 Wizard. No, you are w^rong. It w^as: Isn't it funny to see a 
 
 white cat wag its ear? 
 Clinton. No, Wizard; it w^as: Isn't it funny to see a black torn 
 
 cat chew the ear of another? 
 Wizard, No, Clinton, it w^as: Wouldn't a Avhite ear on the 
 
 black rear — no — 
 Clinton. It W'as a black rear — 
 
 Wizard. Alas, alas, we've lost the ^vords, 
 
 The saying's gone to bees and birds. 
 Our work counts naught, there is no one, 
 So poor as we; undone! undone! 
 
 Clinton. To recollect, we'll ma.ke a vow, 
 That is the best w^e can do now. 
 
 W"s instrum.ents are gathered up and box closed. Exit. 
 Enter Q. and E. carrying a box. Box opened and Queen 
 draws out cat. 
 
 Queen. How beautiful! My ow^n Isabella. She is as natural 
 as life. My own Isabella. But she w^ill never purr 
 again, and eat from my hand. 
 
 Ethel. Why look at Isabella's ears. One is black and the 
 other white. 
 
 Queen. Well, isn't it funny, it is marvelous. I suppose when 
 Isabella died, that ear turned white with grief to 
 think that we w^ere to be separated. 
 
 Ethel. Where will you keep Isabella? 
 
 Queen. I don't know^ That fiddle box is lined w^arm inside, 
 and would be a splendid place for her. I know what 
 I will do. I'll take the fiddle and hide it, and put 
 Isabella in there. 
 
(17.) 
 
 Ethel. Why yes, that will be lovely. Henry never touches his 
 violin now, and that will be the safest f)lace for it. 
 
 They exchange violin and cat. 
 
 Queen. There, Isabella is safe. Now I will prepare for our 
 guests. (Exit.) 
 
 Enter King. 
 
 King. Jersey lightning is awful stuff. 1 Was treated four 
 times over to the Hotel, and it couldn't have been 
 worse if I'd been treated four hundred. I tried to come 
 home in time to meet my guests, and fell down six 
 times on the way, but when I got in a fight with the 
 gate, and it threw me into a hot bed, I thought I 
 would be late. I'm thirsty. Ah, here's some water. 
 
 Raises dipper, and snake falls out and wiggles across stage. 
 
 King. That settles it. I'm a gone goose. I have run my 
 days. 
 
 Knock is heard on door. Enter Squire. 
 
 Squire. How-de-do. How's the King? 
 
 King. First rate. I wonder if he knows I'm full? How are 
 you? 
 
 Squire. Oh middlin'. I have a bit of the rheumatiz. 
 
 King. I can sympathize with you. It's rum-it-is, that's ail- 
 ing me. 
 
 Squire. So, well I have a remedy here which I manufacture 
 myself. Let me give you a little. 
 
 Draws out bottle. 
 
 King. Are you a moonshiner? 
 
 Squire. No, what do you mean? Let me give you some of 
 this. 
 
(18.) 
 
 King. No, I don't drink— more than four bracers of Jersey 
 
 lightning a century. 
 Squire. This is not whiskey. It's medicine. You take a tea 
 
 spoonful in a cup of water. (Goes to pail.) 
 
 King. Don't go near that pail. It's full 
 
 Squire. That pail aint all that's full, I guess. Do you want 
 
 me to relieve you? 
 King. I wish you could. No, my malady is fatal and beyond 
 
 the aid of mortals. 
 
 Enter Queen and Ethel. Greet Squire. Enter all. 
 Musical programme of fifteen minutes. 
 
 King. That music is so good that I am tempted to play a lit- 
 tle myself. With your kind permission, I'll favor 
 you. 
 
 Gets violin case and begins to open. Q. and E. scared. 
 
 Queen. Don't play, to-night, Henry. It's getting late and the 
 
 guests wish to retire. 
 King. I will play you one tune, short and sweet. It will be 
 
 that beautiful selection called the "Mate of Tom" on 
 
 one string. 
 Queen. Henry wait until to-morrow. The guests are leaving. 
 King. AVell, if I must, I must. Good night friends. We 
 
 have been royally entertained. 
 
 Exit all but Queen. 
 
 Queen. That was a narrow escape. I'll replace tbe fiddle to- 
 naorrow. Now I must away and get ready to make 
 bread. 
 
 Exit. Enter King and Wizard. 
 
 King. Tommy, I have been made homesick to-night, by the 
 beautiful music, or that Jersey lightning, I don't 
 
(10.) 
 
 know which. I long to return to the Tsle of C-ontent, 
 if I nnist, even as a subject. I feel lost in this co in- 
 try, Tommy, and Would give everything, even this 
 jag, to be back there again. I tried to be good to my 
 people, Tommy, and why they should rise against 
 me is more than I can tell. 
 Wizard. If a. black and white cat put a tin ear on the joke- 
 King. Tommy, 1 believe you a,re crazy. Ho, Clinton. 
 
 Enter Clinton. 
 
 King. Clinton, I have been telling Tommy, that I wished we 
 
 were back to the Isle of Content. Shall we go back? 
 
 Everything goes wrong here and things are getting 
 
 worse every day. Clinton, shall we go back? 
 
 Clinton. If a white cat with a tin ear, joke at a black 
 
 King. Clinton, I believe you're drunk. There's no reason in 
 
 either you or Tommy to-night. What is the mattei-? 
 
 Don't you feel well? 
 
 C. and W. Isn't it funny if a black ear 
 
 King. O, shut up! 
 
 King. I'll play a little on my violin, and then retire for the 
 
 night. Its soft sounds will recall the happy days 
 
 gone by. 
 
 Takes case and begins to open it. 
 
 King. Its sweet music will drive all care away from me and 
 
 I will rest in ease. Deserted by my subjects, the 
 
 victim of misfortunes and everything going to ruin. 
 
 I am 
 
 Takes cat out by tail. 
 King. That damned cat. 
 
 Enter Queen followed by two pages carrying big pan of flom*. 
 K. throws cat at Q. Knocks her in pan and upsets pages. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
m) 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 Drawing Room. Two attendants in conversation. 
 
 1st Att. So our stay indeed is short; 
 
 No more the King will hold his Court. 
 
 2nd Att. Fate hath brought to our poor King, 
 
 Adversity, on speedy wing. 
 1st Att. Such fears I've had, and now they're true. 
 
 Alas, this day I'll sorely rue. 
 
 2nd Att. Poor, King Henry, 'tis indeed; 
 
 Misfortune's come with lightning speed: 
 When sun tomorrow 'gins to roam, 
 The Sheriff sells him out of home; 
 A pa^uper then, throughout his life, 
 He'll mingle in with common strife. 
 
 1st Att. His lead I'll folio vv^ where he'll go, 
 
 I'll faithful be through weal and woe, 
 I'll work for him while life shall last, 
 And aid him 'till the grave be past. 
 
 2nd Att. And I. But we must merry make, 
 
 Lest this time the King's heart should break. 
 A merry time we'll have this eve. 
 E'er out for the cold world we leave. 
 
 1st Att. We'll talk and dance, and laugh and sing, 
 To cheer the heart of the poor King. 
 
 2nd Att. Speaking, and all will make things hum. 
 
 There, the summons sound. We come. (Exit.) 
 
 Enter Squire and Ethel. 
 
 Squire. Oh, Ethel, fairest Ethel, I wish to ask you an impor- 
 tant question to-night. 
 
 Ethel. Speak, Ezekiel. 
 
 Squire. I have long gazed on your beauties and have wished 
 to make them my own. 
 
 Enter K. and Q. silently. Gaze. 
 
 Ethel. Oh, Ezekiel Skinner. 
 
 Squire. I want to ask you to be my little wife, and to share 
 
(21.) 
 
 King. Hold! know you that you ask the hand of a Duchess, 
 once removed. You should read Ward McAUister 
 and yet a little up on court etiquette. I am the one 
 to ask 
 
 S. to K. Oh give me your hand 
 
 King. I can't spare it Ezekiel. You may have my foot or my 
 
 eye, but that hand is used by me for eating pie and 
 I can't give it you. 
 
 Queen. I am the one to ask for the hand of the Duchess. 
 
 S. to O. Oh, my beloved, give me one little kiss that I may — 
 
 King takes Squire by ear. 
 
 King. Ezekiel, it's a very bad principle to be flirting with an- 
 other man's wife. A great deal of it is done, I know, 
 but it don't go here. Get up. I will tell you to-mor- 
 row whether we will be your beloved little wife, or 
 simply be a sister to you. 
 
 Ethel. Ezekiel, know this, I lov^e you with all my heart. 
 
 King. Yes, Ezekiel, we love you with all our heart, but our 
 heart is too much engaged to settle matters just now. 
 
 Queen. We invite you to stay with us, this, our last evening 
 here. 
 
 Enter guests. Clinton acts as crier. 
 
 Crier. The first event of the evening will be a musical selec. 
 
 tion by ( ) 
 
 Crier. We will now have an original poem by the King. 
 
 A musical programme of half an hour is announced, ending 
 with a grand chorus by all. 
 
 Queen. And now friends, before you go, I wish to show you 
 the dearest object to me in existence. I mean non- 
 existence. Clinton, bring forth Isabella. 
 
 Clinton brings in the cat by the tail. Cat is examined by all 
 and finally passed to Squire. 
 
(22.) 
 Squire. Isn't it funny that a black cat should have a white 
 
 ear 
 
 Wizard and Clinton jump up and shout; That's it! That's it! 
 
 King. Yes, I suppose that's it. What are you talking about? 
 Oh, yes, we know that's it. It's it beyond any doubt. 
 What are you jabbering about? 
 
 W. and C. We've got it. We've got it. 
 
 King. I guess you have and got it bad. 
 
 Both. Hurrah! Hurrah-h-h-h! 
 
 King. They have been loading up on Jersey lightning, be- 
 yond a doubt. 
 
 Both. It's true. It's true. 
 
 King, That's what I thought. 
 
 Both. Splendid. Splendid. 
 
 King. It may be splendid, but don't go near the water pail. 
 
 Both. Our troubles are at an end. Hurrah! 
 
 King. Wait 'till they begin to feel sick, then they'll think 
 their troubles have just begun. 
 
 Both. We've found the talisman. 
 
 King. What, it is the first time I knew^ it was lost. 
 
 Sinks in a chair. 
 
 Both. We know where the talisman is. 
 
 King. So do I. I have got it right here. 
 
 Both. No, you lost it before you had it ten minutes. 
 
 King. The deuce ! — Stop your dancing and explain. 
 
 Clinton. Most worthy King, you see that ear is black. It be- 
 longs to Isabella, the cat. The day the chariot was 
 w^recked, you got the ears mixed, a^nd gave the Queen 
 the magic talisman by mistake. The Queen had the 
 talisman sewed on Isabella. You kept Isabella's ear 
 for the talisman, and thus came your troubles. 
 
 King has taken cat and cut off the talisman. Turns somer- 
 sault and lies still. W. and C. raise him and K. speaks, 
 
(23.) 
 
 King. Is this so, or am I dreaming? 
 
 Wizard. It is true, your highness, every \\'()rd of it. 
 
 Bugle sounds. Enter Herald, 
 
 Herald. A document for the King ! 
 
 King. Read it Tommy, I am too weak. 
 
 Wizard. Be it known that the subjects of the former King 
 Henry, who ruled both wisely and well ov^er the Isle 
 of Content, being dissatisfied with the way matters 
 have gone on since his departure, and missing the 
 joys and benefits derived from his reign and wise 
 rule, do hereby petition and humbly request, that he 
 will return, and again reign over them, and his anx- 
 ious subjects will ever obey him, and help him and 
 his to the best of their ability. King Henry, we be- 
 seech you, come at once.— THE PEOPLE. 
 
 King bows his head and weeps. Knock. Enter Broker. 
 
 Bi'oker. I beg to inform you sir, that a gold mine has been 
 discovered on your fariu, and 1, representing a syn- 
 dicate, offer you $500,000 for it. Will you accept the 
 offer ? 
 
 King. It is accepted. I call that a pretty good bargain. I 
 only gave $500 for it. 
 
 Queen. I thought Isabella didn't look right the moment I 
 savr her. Poor dear, I'll sew the ear on her myself. 
 
 King. We must reward some one for this. Who shall it be? 
 Who was the one to discover the mystery of the 
 magic talisman? 
 
 Voices. The Wizard. 'Twas Clinton. 
 
 C. and W. It was the Squire. 
 
 King. Then shall the Squire be rewarded. Take Ethel, Ezek- 
 iel, and cherish her in her old age — 
 
 Dutchess slaps King. 
 
(24.) 
 
 King. I mean a hundred years hence, when this charming 
 Kttle miss shall approach the outside boundries of 
 age, and we will call a minister to-night and have 
 the marriage performed,— the Lord knows she's been 
 waiting for a husband long enough — and to-morrow, 
 we will sail to the Isle of Content, where I will make 
 you Lord High Justice of the Peace of the Justices 
 of the Peace in my Kingdom. Now for a merry 
 dance. 
 
 All dance as the curtain falls. 
 
 THE END, 
 
LIBRRRY OF CONGRESS 
 
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