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PRICE, 25 CENTS. 
 
 THE 
 
 JlrTBGiCSMJP 
 
 A TALE OF THE TLMES. 
 
 "Honor and shame from no condition rise, 
 Act well your part, tliere all the Iwnor lies." 
 
 —POPE. 
 
 v'5 . 
 
 / 
 
 BY 
 
 No. 
 
 jsiro' 
 
 NORFOLK, YA. 
 1884. 
 

 Copyrig-ht January, M84, 
 By Wm. a. Swank. 
 
 '<^ 
 
 K 
 
(A TALE OF THE TIMES.) 
 
 •■ Honor and shame from no condition rise. 
 Act well your part, there all the honor lies." 
 
 — Pope. 
 
 in Norfolk a Virginia town, 
 A prosperous place of Mr renown, 
 It once fell out an honest lad. 
 Tho' city bred, in homespun clad, 
 Was seized with madness of desire. 
 And to higli functions did aspire. 
 It was his maddest whim to sit 
 Where quirks and quibbles pass for wit; 
 To give opinions on such flaws, 
 As rogues should pick in honest laws. 
 'Tis true in fact he nothing knew; 
 That he was honest, thought but few, 
 He was of honors destitute. 
 And sadly out of good repute. 
 He was, in truth, a silly fool. 
 Unlearned in every worldly rule ; 
 lie thought that service to the nation. 
 Might win for him exalted station ; 
 And knew not that to lise so high. 
 With bended knee and shaded eye 
 That he should kiss each dirty foot, 
 To him by every beggar i)ut 
 But as it chanced this simple lad. 
 With strength like that Goliath had, 
 Ere David with his little stone 
 Smote him upon his frontal bone. 
 Won in the race the inside track, 
 'Twas thought upon his homespun back 
 Would fall the honors of the place. 
 And suitors bow before his face. 
 
 'Tis oft the case on sleety days, 
 That those not careful in their ways, 
 Repent the heedless hasty pace, • 
 With which tliey start to run a race 
 They do not stop to salve the aches 
 Which winter's glassy surface makes ; 
 
They take no tellescopi(? sights 
 Of the bright, twinkling, transient lights 
 Which flit across the sndden gloom, 
 (And do so ftiintly it ill nine,) 
 Which marks with brevity of fact. 
 The place and point of an impact. 
 That while of heaven it yields a glimpse, 
 The favo ed after it often limps. 
 
 'Twas thns this lad waked from his dream. 
 To his five senses all did seem, 
 A storm of slippery stars and plains, 
 Davids, Goliahs, aches, and pains. 
 Enongh of him. This tale were done. 
 Was his said sad tate the only one 
 To be recorded on these pages, 
 For admonition of fiitnre ages. 
 
 lint in all races one mnst win. 
 And so in this, for one went in. 
 Assnmed high functions in the State, 
 AVith mind exalted heart elate. 
 A brow with majesty enthroned. 
 The taint of its success condoned. 
 Obsequious forms in homage bent; 
 Voices in adulation hient; 
 Congratulations furious, fast. 
 Crossed and commingled that at last, 
 That David — pardon — Daniel had 
 To judgiiieMt come. 'Twas not so bad 
 As might have been and after all 
 Considering things both grea*: and small, 
 The great success for which they fought. 
 And the cheap rate at which was bought, 
 (Three annual thousand dollars down. 
 And th.at assessed upon the town,) 
 Was surely but fair compensation, 
 For their redemption imd salvation. 
 From the homespun lad who served the nation, 
 And fool-like sought to fill high station. 
 
 The rout was full of gleeful talk, 
 They raised upon their toes, at walk ; 
 Each thought within his secret sonl, 
 He had performed the work, the whole 
 Proposed when they at first set out 
 To bring this civic triumph about; 
 Each thought his stinging blow the best, 
 His point most fatal, that which pressed 
 The life out of the homespiin cause, 
 A peine fort et (hire of ancient laws. 
 
The blacksmith with his bellows blo^^'B, 
 Ignites the jettj coal which shows 
 A glowing centre hid within, 
 Without a margin black as sin. 
 And oft the red frost-bitten nose, 
 Of early winter morning glows. 
 And burns, and stings, and Avill not cease, 
 Nor let its wearer rest in peace ; 
 So bloAving. stinging, glowing, burning. 
 Each fiery heart for honor yearning, 
 If not for profit and good cheer. 
 To flow from fees from year to year, 
 Around the seat of justice surged, 
 And each his point' and motion urged. 
 Each thought he would instruct the Court, 
 And chuckled over the splendid sport. 
 Of winning causes out of hand 
 And making fame throughout the land 
 
 Two months by astronomic rules, 
 They dwelt in the paradise of fools. 
 
 They gloried in the exjoected fee. 
 
 And rubbed their hands, and laughed in glee, 
 
 And had their faces ojien wide — 
 
 He asked. '■ Who's on the other side ?" 
 
 Ah ! countrymen, what a fall was there ! 
 
 Behold 3^on moon which sails in air. 
 
 Broad is her disk, and blank her face. 
 
 And thus there vanished into space, 
 
 The laughing glee. Upon that question. 
 
 Suspended by its bare suggestion. 
 
 Hung up-turned countenances blank 
 
 As the moon's disk, or a new-sawn plank. 
 Who's on the the other side ? Indeed, 
 
 Who for the other side doth plead ? 
 
 Who but the leaders of the bar ! 
 
 A new but an aspiring star, 
 
 Whose rays in aggregate and sum, 
 
 Falling on Memnon. strike him dumb 
 • Or deaf in truth to law and fiict. 
 
 As pettit jury when well packed. 
 
 To balance him with counsel sage, 
 
 Was joined the wonder of the age, 
 
 For simple wit and wisdom knit. 
 
 Into a solid block. 'Twere fit. 
 
 These two the learned bar should lead. 
 
 For danger was that the true seed 
 
 Of learning, eloquence and skill. 
 
 Be lost, and only numbskulls till 
 
6- 
 
 The roles that common lawyers play. 
 
 Of pocketing dirty fees all day. 
 
 Who's on the other side ? Again ! 
 
 'Twas enough to fret the hearts of men. 
 
 To have that single question put, 
 
 What and how grave was tlie dispute ; 
 
 To know that side would win forever. 
 
 In spite of justice and endeavor, 
 
 (Justice, you know, in legal phrase, 
 
 Is that for which your client pays,) 
 
 Was more to bear than lawyers could, 
 
 And (more to the purpose) tlian they would. 
 
 They soon began to feel in the pocket, 
 
 (Which is the legal tliigh bone's socket, 
 
 The point on whicli free motion turns, 
 
 The place where slightest friction burns,) 
 
 That absence of full weiglited fees. 
 
 Which follows after well-paid pleas. 
 
 Here let us do as they did — ^pause — 
 Considering what to do. The cause 
 Of their discomfort they well knew. 
 Was found in, " Who's o})posed to you ?" 
 Tliey knew that in strategic war, 
 To feed on the enemy is good law. 
 Then why not bend to the rising sun, 
 Believe that half was more than none. 
 And toll their gains in miller's way, 
 And make their clients for "justice " pay. 
 " By George," became the legal oath, 
 Which many swore, who to swear were loath, 
 For swearing thus besides its pain, 
 Created a sensible loss of gain. 
 " By George,' some swore, the plan is good, 
 'Twill keep like whiskey stored in wood, 
 And hid away in secret places. 
 Will help us keep in clients graces. 
 We'll sacrifice some self-respect 
 But what of that, when we reflect. 
 The public never will see our game. 
 It cannot therefore dim our fame. 
 If we engage in hiding crime. 
 Or covering errors which in time 
 Now past and gone, the very fact is 
 Have somehow crept into our practice. 
 By George, they swore this will succeed — 
 Who's on the other side ? indeed ! — 
 In spite of all our foe may do. 
 We'll plead upon " the other side " too. 
 
The cuckoo in Old England's songs. 
 Her tuneful notes in Spring i)rolongs, 
 Making glad music in the breasts 
 Of men. but 'tis in other's nests 
 She lays her eggs, and rears her young, 
 And still upon the wing gives tongue. 
 Thus too. By George! (the Avriter swears', 
 They shirked full half their daily cares ; 
 And still they could not rest at ease. 
 Because it cost them half their fees. 
 
 At last a happy chance occurred, 
 Whereat they mounted, whipped and spurred. 
 And rode with eager haste away. 
 And never stopped for once to say 
 With folded hands, '• And now I lay 
 Me down to sleep," or once to pray, 
 " I pray the Lord my soul to keep ;" 
 But over hills, plains, mountains steep, 
 With slackened rein and singing whip. 
 To improve the happy chance they skip. 
 
 Another set of Nation savers — 
 Particularly good hell-pavers — 
 Had got possesssion of the State, 
 And with much labor, early, late 
 Were sitting to correct abuses — 
 In bonds and courts for ])arty uses. 
 
 To these the riders madly hasted, 
 With sheet to sheet of fool's-cap pasted, 
 All written over in legal script 
 With grave suspicions. These they slipt 
 Into the hands of the committee. 
 Which straightway bolted for this city : 
 And after taking a thousand pages 
 Of evidence, from the city sages. 
 To prove that nothing could be proved. 
 Triumphant to their halls removed, 
 And there reported with no dissent. 
 That on a fool's errand they had been sent. 
 That they at last discovered this. 
 And other things much more amiss, 
 Was their misfortune not their fault, 
 They called to bopk deaf, blind and halt : 
 Explored tlie consciences of some. 
 From Adam's fall to kingdom-come. 
 For private reasons, why the devil. 
 They stood not on the common level, 
 Charging corruption on a court, 
 On "spicion " based on mere report. 
 
8 
 
 An Ethiopian's dusky skin. 
 Oft wraps a sense of wrong within, 
 Without the sense his wu'ongs to right: 
 'Tis hidden from his purblind sight! 
 Ah ! could he see what here is done, 
 Would not his action be begun ? 
 Infringment of his patent ways, 
 Of righting wa-ongs and gaining praise. 
 Should be atoned for wdth some fury, 
 By the verdict of a righteous jury. 
 Ah. happy sons of ignorances. 
 When will ye start from out your trances? 
 Which set of flic fico will first awake. 
 And stop these contests -'for ti.e cake?" 
 Ah, rivals in sncli blissful dreams 
 Eemote from wisdoms cares, it seems 
 To be your hap})y fate to dwell ; 
 While wiser mortals rest in — well, 
 Upon this point I'll urge no more, 
 For on it, cloubtless, some a;e so e. 
 
 Now in the progress of the affair. 
 When all expected to. find the air 
 Clear as the long, hot A.ngust days. 
 Burnt witii the snn's consuming blaze. 
 There settled suddenly a cloud, 
 Thiough which no single word alond 
 Could pierce. Mystei'ious, dubious and dark 
 It closed round all without a spark, 
 Save one faint gleam, ])ale, j)hosi)horescent, 
 Ttiat marked the spot of him decresent. 
 The public wonder was that one 
 \\ ho all these acts corrupt had done, 
 As witnessed by so many lawyers, 
 So many and such high top sawyers, 
 Should maunder like an injured man. 
 When by the long proclaimed sure plan. 
 Corruption in judicial places, 
 Should be rebuked before mens' faces. 
 It could not be 'twas all suspicion. 
 That these rash men had no position 
 Which they might hold. Yet such's the fact. 
 The record shows it. Ilim attacked, 
 By judgment of his peers is clear. 
 And dwells in peace without a fear. 
 
 But still mysterious whispers trickle, 
 And glimpses are allowed to tickle. 
 The wondering brains of those who listen. 
 'Tis good to watch the cunning glisten 
 
■ 9 
 
 Of many a lawyer's smiling eye, 
 Which only "spicion" could descry, 
 When called to prove the fact alleged, 
 And now relies on being s wedged 
 Into a safe and sure position, 
 By winks and hints of their condition. 
 
 One hints the committee found no case, 
 And that to follow up the chase. 
 Some lawyers who had profited by 
 The act which closed the justice's eye, 
 Would have had to make a sacrifice, 
 Of name and fame ; that this device 
 Was used as deftly as could be, 
 Persuading the defendant, he 
 Should one fair christian grace indulge in. 
 Or else on him they'd '* get the bulge" in 
 All the proceedings which should follow. 
 And 'twould be then too late to hollo. 
 
 And so for a consideration 
 They compromised — the State and nation ; 
 Suppressd the proof which had been taken, 
 And left suspicion to awaken ; 
 Made justice but a thing of mart, 
 That Norfolk's lawyers might not smart. 
 Be this hint true, then, thus to rob 
 The people, is a most foul job 
 Which does not help the nomination, 
 They pronijitly made for the vacant station, 
 But lather makes on the city a blot, 
 Thatserveil by such a sad, sad lot. 
 
 A man with apples in his cart, 
 Went up a hill, but at his start, 
 His linch-pin was nottigiit and sure, 
 He thought it would the trip endure. 
 Some wicked boys ha(i loosened it. 
 And as he weat, behold, it slipped; 
 Then soon his right hand wheql fell down. 
 His apples spread half way to town. 
 He viewed his sad disaster o'er, 
 Not raving, swearing as before 
 On slight occasion he had done ; 
 His mute despair of words had none 
 And when ;'pproached by those perdue. 
 Who thought to hear him curse things blue. 
 When in surprise they to him cried, ' 
 Why don't you swear old man ? replied. 
 Before the Lord in whom my trust is, 
 Words will not do the subject justice. 
 
10 
 
 You see the point ? No, no, you doirt ? 
 I'll never tell it ! No, I won't ! 
 But ever after in my devotions, 
 When most exalted my emotions, 
 I'll pray these ministers of grace 
 Keep watch o'er me my wliole life'.* s])ace ; 
 Curb my ambition ; let not mine eyes 
 Above my dish of dumplin<rs rise ; 
 And never, for any consideration, 
 To cross mv back with their nomination. 
 Altho' I turn to a Roman Saint. 
 With a soit of Presbyterian taint. 
 Or a tool of the resigning judge. 
 The name of a homespun lad to smudge ; 
 Or an insect crawling to a seat. 
 To warm its hide with generous heat. 
 But hold ! my rhyme, let not thy stream 
 Run ribtld words, tho' fit the theme; 
 'Tis truf^ that mud must still be mud. 
 Blue milk be rarely call«?d blue bUiod, 
 But then respect the " social gnices :" 
 Let only those who claim high ])l:ices. 
 The dish clout flaunt, (a worthy flag). 
 And of honors under it gained to brag. 
 Thy functions are to live and laugh 
 At that great oaf, that blundering calf. 
 Which making judges only to mar. 
 Trades under the sign of the Norfolk Bar. 
 
 Norfolk, Va., January 18, 1884 
 [finis] 
 
PRICE, 25 CENTS. 
 
 Ttt£ 
 
 JHi^SCSMn^. 
 
 A TALE OF THE TIMES. 
 
 "Honor and shame from no condition rise, 
 Act well your part, there all the honor lies." 
 
 —POPE. 
 
 BY 
 
 NORFOLK, YA. 
 1SS4. 
 
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