FHE;,yCHS ACTISC EDITION. No. 2459. 6023 ;15 Q2 115 ►py 1 "Q" PLAYF.D BY > ( CHARLES HAWTREY Sixpence AM.A.TEUR FEE, ONE GUISEA EACH REPRESENTATION. BETWEEN THE SOI AND THE 5AV0UR\ By GERTRUDE JENNINGS. Originally produced at the Playhotwo, London, ur the management of Mr. Cyril Maude and the directio the Author, on Ctotober 19, 1910. Th» Cook (Maria) . . Alisa Margaret Mun Tub Pabloubmaid (Ada) . Mis9 Maud* Buchanan, Turn KiTCHBioiAm (Emily) . Miaa Elhti Ross. SoBWB. — r/i« Kitchen, TiMB. — Evening, during the serving of dinner. One Act, Price 6d. 30 minutes in represen- tation. One Scene. Fee One Qui' 1 "Q" A FARCE IN ONE ACT ^5 "Q A FARCE IN ONE ACT C>*)cS By STEPHEN LEACOCK and BASIL MACDONALD HASTINGS J Copyright. 191 5, by Samuel French, Limited Entered at the Library of Congress, Washingtom, U.S.A. New York SAMUEL FRENXH Publisher 28-30, WEST 38TH STREET VLONDON SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd 26. Southampton Street STRAND >'^ OTHER PLAYS BY BASIL MACDONALD HASTINGS The New Sin. Love — and What Then ? The Tide. Advertisement. The Angel in the House. {with Eden Pkillpotts). Price IS. i^et paper ; 25. net cloth. " Q," the story on which this play is founded, may be found in Mr. Stephen Leacock's Nonsense Novels^ published by Mr. John Lane, The Bodley Head, Vigo Street, W. ^CI.D 4 2 75S JAN 14 1916 "^ CHARACTERS Jack Anneri-y — an amateur. George Gnoof — a spiritualist. Blight — a butler. Dora Dnieper — a revue girl. The Fee for each and every representation of this play by Amateurs is One Guinea, payable in advance to — Messrs. Samuel French, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, London, or their authorized representatives. No performance may be given unless a written permission has first been obtained. All the costumes, wigs and properties used in the per- formance of plays contained in French's list may be hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs. Charles H, Fox, Ltd., 27, WeUington St., Strand, London. This play was first performed al the London Coliseum on November 29, 1915, with the following cast : — Jack Annerly . George Gnoof . Blight Dora Dnieper . The play produced by Mr , My. Charles Hawtrey. . Mr. Miles Malleson. . Mr. E. W. Tarver. . Miss Mona Harrison. Charles Hawtrey. ±o A PSYCHIC PSTORV OF THE PSUPER- NATURAL The scene is the sitting-room of Jack Annerly's chambers. It is smartly furnished, the essentials being doors r. and l.c, table c. ivith chairs to r. and L. of it, and a large screen up r. against wall. When the curtain rises Blight, the butler, backs into the room from the door l.c. followed by Dora Dnieper. Blight is a grave, side-whiskered person, DoR.i vivacious and very prettily dressed. Dora {as she enters). I don't care twopence what you say, Blip;ht. I must see him to-night. Blight. He'll never forgive me. Dora {seating herself R. of table c). Look here. Blight. Jack Anncrly owes me /50 ! Blight. Owes it to you ! DoR.v. Well, he promised me it. And — as usual — I spent it before I got it. Now to-night I want /50 badly. All I've got in the world is ^d. {She connts the coppers in her bag.) The landlord of my flat has got to have £50 by twelve o'clock to-night or my furniture goes into the street. Blight. Thcv all sav that, miss. Dora. What! Blight. Er — ahem ! — I beg your pardon. Of course not. But really I dont think you'll get your £50, miss. And you'll get me into awful trouble for letting you in. Good lord, there's his latchkey. Whatever shall I do ? j 10 "Q." Dora. Leave it to me, Blight. You won't get blamed. I'll hide behind this screen and you must pretend that you know nothing about me. {Dora hides behind screen up r. Enter Jack Annerly L.c. He is in evening dress, overcoat and silk hat. In his hand he has a letter which he Jias just picked up on the mat and opened.) Annerly. Blight, can you lend me £50 ? Blight. No, sir. Annerly. If I don't find £50 by twelve o'clock my furniture will be turned into the street. And all I have at the moment is 4^. {He counts coppers in his pocket.) Blight. Dear m.e, sir. Annerly. Yes, Blight, 4d. I've got to raise £49 19s. M. in a hurry — or my furniture goes for good. My furniture. That includes your bed. Blight {helping Annerly off i&ith his coat). I suppose it does, sir. Annerly. Haven't you really got any money ? What about ^-our wages. I always pay them. Blight. Yes, sir. But you always borrow them back again. Annerly. True. The world is black to-night, Blight. I might get Dora Dnieper to let me have her spare room, but the little cat's in the same predica- ment. I believe she gets thrown into the street to- morrow as well. {There is a ring at the front door bell.) [Bligrt goes of l.c. Annerly goes to table above door R. takes cigarette and lights it. Dora comes out quietly from behind screen. Blight returns.) Blight {wavi^ig Dora back). It is the gentleman from the floor below, Mr. George Gnccf, sir. Annerly. That bore. "Q." 11 Blight. He is a govcnimcnt servant and a spirit- ualist, Sir. Annerlv. a spiritualist ! Do you tbiak he's got any money ? Blight. At least £1,200 a year Chief Inspector of Returned Empties, sir. ASwiiRLV. Ah, show him in, Blight. A spiritu- alist, eh ? (Blight shows in Mr. George Gnoof, a low-browed, chinlcss, idioUc-looking icU >u), zc^earitig glasses and rei slippers) GxooF {gushingly). Ah, my deor Annerl}- ! I heard you pass my floor and I thought I would take the liberty of inviting myself io smoke a' pipe with you. {He ca-rie3 a large calabash pipe.) ■ Annerly. My dear Gnoof — in fact I will say my dear George, you are most welcome. You come most opportunely. I wisli to consult ycu. Take a seat. Gnoof {silling l. of lahlc c). This is indeed an honour. Anxerly. Not at all. Blight, leave us. And on no account disturb us for at least half an hour. I wish for a peaceful communion of tliought with Mr. Gnoof. Gnoof. Tliis is most flattering. {Exit Blight l.c.) Annerly {silling r. of table). Listen, George. You arc a spiritualist. Gnoof. A humble votary, shaU I say. I certainly pay my subscription to an occult magazine. Annerly. That is v.h.y I wish to consult you. Now first of all is your mind perfectly composed ? Gnoof. I tliink I may say, my dear Annerly, that it is. Annerley. Good. I have your attention ! . . . Last night — I saw — Q. 12 "Q." Gnoof. Indeed. Annerly. Yes, I saw 0. Gnoof. Not, of course, a billiard cue ? Annerly. No, no. 0. The — er — somethingth letter of the alphabet. Gnoof. I know. I know. A round O with a wiggle on it. Annerly. Precisely. But as 3'ou have already guessed I use merel}' as a symbol for a personality. Gnoof. Quite so. Annerly. Now, my dear George, you believe in the supernatural. You believe in phantasm.s of the dead ? Gnoof. Phantasms ? Annerly. Yes. Phantasms. Or, if you prefer the word, phanograms, or say if you will phano- grammatical manifestations, or more simply psycho- phantasmal phenomena. Well, last night I saw the phanogram of 0. Gnoof. Good gracious ! Annerly. Yes. I saw Q as plainly as if he were standing here. But perhaps {rising and pacing the room.) I had better tell you something of my past relationship with O and 3'ou will understand exactly what the present situation is. When I first knew Q — don't you think 3'ou ought to take notes ? {He is now above fable c.) Gnoof. Indeed, yes. A mcst valuable suggestion. {He produces notebook and pencil and puis down all that Annerly says in shorthand.) Annerly. When first I knew O he lived not very far from a small town which I will call X (Gnoof makes a note) and was betrothed to a beautiful and accom.plishcd girl whom I will call M. Gnoof. One moment. I strongly suspect that Q and M are not the real names of your acquaintances, but are in reality two letters of the alphabet selected •Q." 13 almost at random to disguise the names of your riends. Anni:rlv. You liave guessed correctly. When Q and I Gnoof {puzzled). 1 ? Annerly. Yes, I. Me. Myself. Gnoof. Of course. AxxLRLV. When O and 1 hrst became friends he had a favou.rite dog which if necessary I might name Z (Gxoor makes a note) and which followed him in and out of X on his daily walk. GxooF. In and out of X ! Anxerly. Yes. In and out. GxooF. This is really very extraordinary. That Z should have followed Q out of X, I can readily understand, but that he should first have followed him in seems to pass the bounds of comprehension. AxXFRLY (s////;?f' on hack of (able). My dear friend, 1 can sympathize with you in your bewilderment, but that is not the most extraordinary part of the stor\-. O and Miss — {/le pauses io glance at Gxoof's notebook) — Miss M were to be married. Everything was arranged. The wedding was to take place on the last day of the year. Exactly six months and four days before the appointed day — I remember the date because the coincidence struck me as peculiar at the time — came to me late in the evening in great distress. He had just had, he said, a premonition of his own death. {Comes down R.) Tliat evening while sitting with Miss M on the verandali of her house he had distinctly seen a projection of the dog R pass along the road. GxoOF. One moment. Did you not say that the dog's name was Z ? Axxi-RLV (jroii'ning). Quite so. Z, or more correctly Z R. since O was in tlio hal)il, pirliaps from motives of affection, of calling him R as well as Z. Well then, the projection or phanogram of the dog passed in front of them so plainly that Miss M swore 14 "Q." that she could have beheved that it was the dog himself. Opposite the house, the phantasm stopped for a moment and \^•agged its tail. {He laag.i his fingey.) Then it passed on and quite suddenly dis- appeared around the corner of a stone v/all as if hidden by the bricks. What made the thing still more mysterious was that Miss M's mother who is partially blind had only partially seen the dog. Gnoof {repeating and writing). " — had only partially seen the dog." Yes ? Annerly {moving tip stage). Tliis singular coin- cidence was interpreted by O no doubt correctly, to indicate his own approaching death. I diti wh.at I could to remove this feeling, but it was impossible to do so, and he presently wrung my hand and left me firmly convinced that he would not live till morning. {Sits R. of table c.) Gnoof. Good Heavens ! And he died that night ? Annerly. No. He did not. That is the inex- plicable part of it. Gnoof {sympathetically). Tell me about it. Annerly. He rose that morning as usual, dressed himself with his customary care, omitting none of his clothes — ^make a note of that ! — and" walked down to his office at the usual hour. He told me afterwards that he remembeed the circumstances so clearly from the fact that he had gone to the office by the usual route instead of taking any other direction. Gnoof. Stop a moment. Did anything unusual happen to mark that particular day ? Annerly. I anticipated that you would ask that question, but as far as I can gather absolutely nothing happened. Gnoof {breathless with excitement). And did he die the next night ? Annerly. No, he did not. Gnoof {after a pause). Mv dear Annerly, our relations, of course, have hitherto only been of a formal character, and I must not assume too great "Q." 15 an intimacy, but you can imagine how eager I am to hear the rest of this astounding narrative. Annerly. You shaH. O went to his office each day after that with absohite regularity. He saw Miss M regularly and the time fixed for their marriage drew nearer each day. GxooF. Each day ? Anxerly. Yes, every day. Ft)r ; ome time before his marriage I saw but little of him, but two weeks before that event I passed O one day in the street. He setmed for a moment about to stop, then he raised his hat, smiled and passed on. (iXOOF. One moment. If you will allow me a question that seems of importance, did he pass on, and then smile and raise his hat, or did he smile in liis hat, raise it and then pass on afterwards? AxxERLY {rising and moving down r.). Your question is quite justified, though I think I can answer with perfect accuracy that he first smiled {he smiles), then stopped smiling {he also stops), and raised his hat {he lifts his hand), and then stopped raising his hat (At' loiicfs his hand) and passed en. {He crosses l.) GxooF. Gocd. {He jols it doiin.) Annerly. However, the essential fact is this. On the day appointed for the wedding, O.and Miss M were duly married. {He is now just h^of GxooF.) GsooF {gasping). Impossible. Duly married, both of them ! AxNERF.v. Yes. Both r-t th.e s:nre tim.e. After the wedding Mr. and Mrs. O GxooF {perplexed). Mr. and Mis. ? AxxKRi.v. Yes. Mr. and Mrs. 0, h r after the wedding Miss M took the name of C), left England and went out to Australia, where they were to reside. Then, until last night {he crosses R.) I heard nothing whatever of Q for a year and a half. GxuoF {trembling with excitement). And last night ? AxxERLV {very quietly). Last night O appeared 16 "Q." in this room, or rather a phantasm or psychic mani- festation of him. He seemed in great distress, made gestures which I could not understand and kept turn- ing his trouser pockets inside out. Gnoof {who has his pencil sticking out of his month). His trouser pockets ? Annerly. Yes, hke this. {He illustrates the behaviour of Q in the matter of the trouser pockets.) I was too spellbound to question him and tried in vain to divine his meaning. Presently the phantasm seized a pencil from the table — {He snatches the pencil from Gnoof's mouth) — and wrote the words " forty-nine pounds, nineteen shillings and eightpence to-morrow night, urgent." {He ivrites this on table.) Gnoof {rising, walking round to back of table and scrutinizing the inscription). How do you interpret the meaning which Q's phanogram meant to convey ? Annerly. I think it m.eans this. Q, wlio is evidently dead, meant to visualize that fact, meant so to speak to deatomize the idea that he was de- monetized. Gnoof. Demonetized ? {They are side by side behind table.) Annerly. Yes, stony. Suffering from cramp in t he kick. Gnoof. Cramp in the kick ? What on earth is that ? Annerly {pettishly). Oh, it means broke to the wide. {He moves r.). You really ought to go out more. ... Q is evidently in urgent need of the sum of forty-nine pounds nineteen shillings and eightpence. Gnoof. And how do you intend to get it to him ? Annerly. Ah ! ... I intend to try a bold and daring experiment, which, if it succeeds, will bring us into immediate connexion with the world of spirits. My plan is to leave the money here upon the edge of the table. Then, if after the necessary ritual has been observed it has gone, I shall know that "Q." 17 Q has contrived to deastralize himself and lias taken the money. The only question is do you happen to have forty-nine pounds, ninteeen and eightpence about you ? I myself, unfortunately, have nothing but small change. GxooF. My dear Annerly, by a piece of rare good fortunte I happen to-day to have drawn my month's salary. Here it is, a hundred pounds in notes. Ann'ERLY {to himself). Splendid ! . . . . Now let us place fifty pounds of them on the edge of the table. It is fourpence more tlian wants but I dare say he'll find some use for it, especially in a world of spirits. Now I want you to follow my instruc- tions implicitly. First of all we place the table in the middle of the room. It is already there. The chairb — {he picks up chair R. of table and Gnoof picks up that on l.) — must be carefully set against the wall and so placed that no two of them occupy the same place as any other two. [They place the Iwo chairs against back i.all.) The pictures and ornaments about the room are to be left entirely undisturbed. The waste paper basket (Gnoof dives under the table after the basket) p.uist be reversed so that its contents, if any. rest on the floor of the room instead of the wicker base of the basket. (Gnoof reverses the waste paper basket.) Good ! The ritual also pre- scribes that one of the participating parties shall take oft his boots. Gnoof {climbing out from under the table). Oh, may I ? Annerly. Yes, 1 thought of you. Gnoof {as he takes off his slippers). I must admit to you, my dear Annerly, that I am not without mis- givings about the success of the experiment. {He is kneeling with his arms resting on l. of table.) My own mental temperament and disposition may not be of the precise kind necessary for its success. Annerly {standing above table). My dear friend, pray have no alarm on that score. I am sure that 18 "Q" the event will show that for psychic v/ork of this character your mind is a media — {he puis a finger on Gnoof's joreliead) — or if the word is better, a trans- parency of the very first order. Gnoof {beaming with delight). Do you really think so ? Annerly. I do. Now it only remains for us to bind up our eyes and await the advent of Q in the adjoining rooms. According to the ritual sixty seconds is ample time for the spirit to manifest itself and you had better count the seconds on 3'our side, noiselessly of course, until you reach sixty. You will wait in that room {indicating right) and I in the hall {indicating l.c). There are no other means of access to the room so that if the money goes we shall know that it has safely reached Q. Now before we put on the eye-bandages kindly perform these psychic exercises wth me. {He proceeds to make ridiculous wavings in the air with his hands, all of which Gnoof repeats.) Good. Now tie this round your head. {They both bandage their eyes and proceed on tiptoe toivards their respective doors.) Gnoof {as Annerly opens the door l.c). Oh, Annerly, my dear fellow, if we should fail. Doesn't your very soul tremble at the possibility ? Annerly {looking back). My dear Gnoof, I think I may express myself as quietly confident. {He goes off l.c. and Gnoof goes off r. Immediately they are off Dora Dneiper rushes out from behind the screen, grabs the banknotes which she thrusts into her bag and with a mumbled " Where are those four coppers ? " extracts four pennies from her bag and places them on the side of the table. She then darts back behind the screen. Noiv the door l.c. opens and Annerly conus in. He has pushed the bandage ■up from his eyes to the top of his forehead. He tip- toes doivn to the table where he stares at (he four pence as if he had been stung.) •Q" 1!) Annerly {beside himself with surprise and disgust). Great Scott ! The blessed stuff has gone. Four coppers ! What the devil ! (The voice of (ixooF /,s heard off r.) Gnoof (caHitig). Annerly, Annerly, the sixty seconds arc up and I have heard rustlings. Annerly {replacing his bandage and going through door L.). So have I ! So have I. I think we've waited quite long enough. Come along in, Gnoof. (Gnoof and Anxkrlv enter from r. and l.c. They both go do'u.'n to the table removing their eye-bandages.) Gnoof {with a ivild yell of delight). It's gone ! It's gone ! The fifty pounds are gone. And look, Annerly, my dear, dear fellow, he has honourably left us fourpence change. What a triumph ! It is wonderful. Epoch making. To think that we are in direct monetary communication with the spirit world. Annerly {who has been peering all round, under the table and elsewhere in search for the missing notes). Yes, yes, it's certainly very remarkable. In fact it's the damned funniest thing I ever struck in my life. Gnoof. And this fourpence ! These four bronze coins ! They have come from the astral sphere. We must have two each, my dear Annerly, and set them in gold and diamonds to suspend from oiir watch chains. Annerly {crossing r.). Oh, I don't uant the damned man's coppers. Gnoof. And the glorious part of it is, of course, that what wo liave done once we can do again. Annerly {turning sharply). What's that ? Gnoof. I say that there seems no reason why there should not be a renewal of our inter-communica- tion with the spirit world. Annerly. By Jove, yes. That is one redeeming 20 "Q." feature of the situation. You have another fiftjr pounds about you, haven't j'ou ? - Gnoof. Certainly, my dear fellow. But alas, alas ! Annerly. What are you alassing about ? Gnoof. How can we dare. We must wait until we are asked. Your friend would probabty regard it as a liberty and decline to take away money which he did not need. We must not pauperize Q. Annerly. I wish you wouldn't be so beastly squeamish. Gnoof. But I ask you, dare we repeat the experi- ment if you don't receive a second invitation ? Annerly {suddenly becoming transfixed). By Jove, Gnoof, there is 0. {He points to the hack oj the pit and gazes aivay in the distance as if fascinated by a vision.) Gnoof {funning from l. to r. and getting beside Annerly). Where ? Where ? Annerly {in an ecstatic state). Over there. Over there by the wall. He is passing through it. Gnoof {agonized). Oh where ! I wish I could see him. Annerly. You've never been introduced so he cannot reveal himself to you. Gnoof. But surely ^ Annerly. Don't talk. The phanogram is com- municating with me. He seems to be in distress again. Look. He is making signs. (Annerly affects to repeat the gestures of the phanogram, putting up Jiis ten fingers five times to indicate fifty pounds.) He is crossing ! He is crossing ! He has crossed the bar ! Gnoof. Gone into the bar. Annerly. Certainly not. Crossed the bar ! Don't you know your Tennyson ? Gnoof {beside himself with excitement). But what can it mean ? What can it mean ? Show me those signs again. (Annerly does so.) How do you interpret them ? Annkri-V. I suspect, in fact I may say that I am confident that O for some reason which we cannot fathom, wishes us to leave another fifty pounds for him. Gnoof. By Jove, I beheve you've hit it. Annerly. I think I have. At any rate let us try. We can but fail. . . . Now place the notes on the table as before. (Gnoof does so.) Let me see. We have all the furniture correctly adjusted. It only remains for us to perform the psychic exercises, put on our eye-bandages and leave the room for sixty seconds. {He makes similar gestures as before, Gnoof doing them conciirretctly. They then tiptoe r. and l.) Gnoof {stopping). Annerly, my dear, dear friend, I feel sure we shan't succeed again. Annerly. You are too modest. All will be well as long as you keep your mind so poised as to readily offer a mark for any astral disturbance. {Exit Gnoof r. Annerly, who is determined this lime to see xvhat really does happen to the money, pulls off his bandages and waits by the door L.c, DoR.\ Dnieper runs out from behind the screen and goes down to the table. Annerly hears her and comes out just as she grabs the notes.) Annerly {hissing under his breath). So it was you, you little devil, was it ? How the dickens did you get here ? Hand over those notes. DoR.\. Not hkely. Annerly. Oh yes, you shall, you little thief ! DoR.\. That's the put calling the kettle blacky isn't it. Jack ? Annerly. You're an impudent little hussey. Hand over those notes or I'll take them by force. 22 "Q." Dora. If you lay a finger on me I'll give the show away to this idiotic friend of yours. Annerly {pleadingly). Look here, Dora, I must have the money. My sticks'll be chucked into the street if I don't pay. You had the first fift}'. Give me the second and we"l call it square. Dora. I'll make a bargain with you. Listen ! Annerly. Look out. Here he comes. (Gnoof ent:rs from r. walking elahorately on tip-toe ivith his eyes bandaged.) Gnoof {in a hushed whisper). I heard voices. Are you there, Annerly ? Annerly. Yes, Gnoof. Just here. I believe Q is still in the room. {He is hustling Dora behind the screen.) Perhaps we had better not uncover for the moment. Gnoof. Certainly not. Let us give the phano- gram plenty of scope. Annerly {after hiding Dora safely). The sounds are gone. I think we may safely uncover. (Gnoof snatches off his bandage and gives a ivild yell of delight when he sees that the notes are gone.) Gnoof. It is wonderful ! Wonderful ! We have succeeded again. I must report this extraordnary happening to the Society of Psychical Research. Annerly. Oh no, no ! You mustn't dream of doing such a thing. I am almost certain that it would break off our relations with Q. In fact, he as good as told me so. There is no harm in telling you now that the sounds, you heard to-night were the voices of Q and me. O wishes us to gather together all the capital that wc can and to send it across to him in crder that he may be able to organize a corporate associ- ation of phanograms. Gnoof. If only it were pos:^ible to-night. But alas ! I only had that paltry hundred on me. "Q" 23 Ann'Erly. No. Not to-night. Not on any account to-night. O does not wi-^h it, but to-morrow night certainly. Gnoof. Really. To-morrow night ! Annerly. Yes, dear friend. To-morrow night. Here arc your slippers {he is showing him off the door l.) and mind, bring all the money that you have — but no more. Gnoof. No more ? Annerly. On no account. O is most strict about that. No one is to send more money than he actually possesses. Good night. Gnoof. Good night, my benefactor. {Exit Gnoof l.) (Dora bursts from behind screen and taking Annerly's hands dances round joyfully xvithjiim.) CURT.MN. JAN2ii 1916 VIEWS OF THE CRITICS. Daily Mail. — Uncommon quality of genuine humour. . . . The fun was prodigious. Daily Express. — A deliciously funny satire. Daily Telegraph. — Successful. . . . Amusing. . . . Must be seen. Daily Chronicle. — Better than usual. . . . Ingenious. . . . You must go to the Coliseum and find out for yourself. Evening News. — Complete success. . . . Genuinely humorous Most delightful humour. . . . The audience was convulsed. Town Topics. — That raya avis, a really funny sketch. Kept the house delightedly giggling all the tinie. Stage. — The most wittily written sketch of the several Mr. Hawtrey has given us. Queen. — Should prove a big success. Sunday Herald. — A delicious farce. . . . Plums of wit. . . . Spiritualism is more genially and wittily burlesqued than ever before. Observer. — Another good thins ! 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