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MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
MR. SPROUTS 
 
 HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 BY 
 
 RICHARD tVHITEING. 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 C 
 
 -t 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, PICCADILLY. 
 
 1 8(58. 
 
 u 
 

 LONDON : 
 
 SAVILL, EDWARDS AND CO, PRINTERS, CHANDOS STREET, 
 
 COVENT GARDEN 
 
EPISTLE DEDICATORY. 
 
 To Robert Coningsby, Esq. 
 Dear Sir, 
 
 Mr. Sprouts has commissioned me to dedicate 
 this book to you, for it was you, he says, who first 
 urged him to write it. At the beginning of the year 
 1866 the town was startled by Mr. Greenwood's 
 account of his " Night in a Workhouse ; " you then, 
 it appears, suggested that as middle class had been 
 to see low class, low class should return the visit — 
 hence the "Night in Belgrave-square/' the first of 
 this series. The public having tolerated one of Mr. 
 Sprouts's effusions, that gentleman easily persuaded 
 himself that it would bear with a repetition of the 
 offence — hence the remainder of the papers. Mr. 
 Sprouts having been quite new to letters when he 
 began to write, his spelling is, to say the least, eccen- 
 tric, and its eccentricity has been much increased by the 
 author's trick of spelling the same word in various 
 ways, his object being, as he says, to give every method 
 a fair chance. Practice, however, has done for Mr. 
 
vi EPISTLE DEDICATORY. 
 
 Sprouts's orthography what it does for every other 
 improvable thing in the world, and the last of the 
 "Opinions" will be found much easier reading than 
 the first. Whether, the more the book becomes intel- 
 ligible the less it will be found worthy of the reader's 
 attention, neither you nor I can determine ; but I am 
 sure that its author has your best wishes, as you, dear 
 sir, have mine. 
 
 Very truly yours, 
 
 RICHARD WHITEING 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 A NIGHT IN BELGRAVE SQUARE 
 
 MR. SPROUTs's COURTSHIP 
 
 A SATURDAY CONCERT 
 
 A NIGHT IN PARLIAMENT . 
 
 ON THE BEAUTIFUL 
 
 THE DERBY DAY 
 
 LORD MAYOR'S DAY . 
 
 CALAIS 
 
 BOULOGNE 
 
 PARIS. A WORKMAN'S BALI 
 
 PARIS. A FRENCH FETE . 
 
 PRIZE-FIGHTING 
 
 ON GLORIOUS WAR . 
 
 CHIGNONS 
 
 THE WHITEBAIT DINNER . 
 
 THE TRADES' DEMONSTRATION 
 
 MR. DOULTON'S MEETING 
 
 MY REFORM BILL 
 
 MRS. SPROUTS AT THE OAKS 
 
 BETSY IN "THE HOUSE" . 
 
 A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET 
 
 THE FAMINE IN INDIA 
 
 A FEW CRUMBS 
 
 A CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 I 
 
 12 
 
 20 
 
 26 
 
 34 
 41 
 50 
 59 
 67 
 
 74 
 82 
 
 9 1 
 
 100 
 109 
 
 "3 
 
 121 
 129 
 
 137 
 
 144 
 
 *53 
 162 
 
 174 
 182 
 189 
 
MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 A NIGHT IN BELGRAVE SQUARE. 
 
 TT was jest about harf past seven as near as a toucher, 
 -■■ last Toosday night, when a little barrer might ha' 
 bin' seen a drivin' round the corner of a street leadin' 
 into Belgrave-square. 
 
 The cove as druv it stops the donkey just afore they 
 turned into the square, and another cove jumps down, 
 as the sayin' is, in a twinklin' ; he was togged for all 
 the world like a head waiter in a music-hall ; he'd got 
 on a s'waller-tailed coat, a slap-up pair of dark kickseys, 
 and a hat with no shine on it as had been kivered with 
 black cloth ; likewise he wore gloves carried in his 
 hand* 
 
 " How do I look, Jem ?" says he. 
 
 " Slap up, old feller," says the other. " Good-bye ; 
 gee hup, Neddy," he says to the donkey, and druv off. 
 The cove in the black garments was me-, and I'll tell 
 you how it all come about. 
 
 I'm a costermonger, I am, as can yarn a pound and 
 pay his rent and things, with here-an'-there a one; but 
 what signifies boastin' ? Well, I give a bit of a party 
 on Christmas Day, not half a bad 'un, though I say it. 
 We'd done pretty well in greens and lighter wegetables 
 durin' the week, tho' pertaters wasn't much account; 
 howsumever, we wasn't hard up for a sov. There was 
 just a nice lot on us. First there was me and the old 
 woman and the seven children ; then there was the old 
 
4 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " Yes," says my old lady, " but then they'll find him 
 out." 
 
 "How?" says he: "the old lady '11 think he's a 
 friend o' the major's, and the major '11 think he belongs 
 to the old lady's set, and they'll both be awful civil on 
 that account, and if he keeps hisself quiet he'll pull 
 through it rattlin'," says he. 
 
 Well, I felt a little narvous at first, but havin' talked 
 so pert like about goin' I didn't like to draw back. So 
 we settled as how he should come round and see to 
 my dressin' on Tuesday afternoon, and then, when the 
 time came, Jem should drive me round in the barrer. 
 
 I've told yer how he druv me round in the barrer, 
 and about his sayin' " Gee hup, Neddy," and leavin' 
 me alone. 
 
 I must say it timied me a little when I found myself 
 all by myself, and see a policeman, too, near the railins. 
 But I says to myself, a thinkin' of the donkey, " Gee 
 hup," I says, and with that I turns the corner, and 
 walks up to the door of the house. 
 
 I expected to find a lot o' people waitin' outside, but 
 there warn't nary one, and not so much as a song to be 
 heard from a winder — so I gives a knock. 
 
 The door was opened like lightnin' by as big and 
 fine a feller as ever stepped in shoe. He'd got on a 
 snuff-coloured bob-tail coat and weskit, with brass 
 buttons and plush breeches, and stockings that looked 
 for all the world like silk; so I jest puts down my hand 
 to try, and touched his calf, and, by George, I found 
 they was — real Chaney silk. 
 
 " You're a going it, you are," says I, pleasant like, 
 but he gave me a hawful look ; and then I remembered 
 that Brockey had said something about keeping quiet ; 
 so I walked past him, and was just goin' into the 
 parlour. " Here," he says — " here," a callin' after me, 
 " I'll jest take your hat and coat," says he. 
 
 " Right you are," I says, glad to see him come round 
 again to his temper. " It's a narsty sort o' night," ses 
 
A NIGHT IN BEL GRA VE SQ UARE. 5 
 
 I. " How's master ?" wishing to show 'im that I bore 
 no malice, and it was all right. But he only stared at 
 me more than ever, and at last he said, " What name 
 shall I say, sir, if you please ?" 
 
 I was just a goin' to pop out Sprouts ; but I re- 
 membered what Brockey had told me. So I says, 
 stately like, to show I could be up in the sterrups too, 
 "Look in the right-hand pocket of the coat, young 
 man, and you'll find it written on a card, and there's 
 tuppence in the other pocket," I ses, wishin' to do the 
 gentleman, " for a drink o' beer for yourself." 
 
 So he rummages out a card, and he marches straight 
 upstairs with it ; not so much as sayin' With your leaf 
 or By your leaf. 
 
 At last, when he'd got to the top of the first flight, 
 he turns round, and says he to me, rather contemptuous, 
 says he, " Come this way if you please." 
 
 u Who taught you manners ?" says I, now fairly 
 bilin over, " a walkin up stairs before your betters, 
 young man." But I never seed such a spiritless chap ; 
 he only give me another look ; so I walked up. 
 
 The place was clean enough ; but there was doosed 
 wtle furniture in the hall ; just a hard sort of chair 
 litithout a bit of stuffin' on it and a largish mat. The 
 stairs was nice, and the carpits soft like to the feet in 
 going up. At last we gits to the fust floor, and the 
 feller opens a door and sings out the readin' on the 
 card, " Horatio Weer de Weer." 
 
 I felt a sort o' chokin' at the throat, and a coldness 
 too, more especial as I wore a high starched collar and 
 a little tuppenny-' a'penny white rag twisted round my 
 neck instead of the old belcher. Howsomever, in I 
 goes. 
 
 Well, the room was a big 'un, and looked awful 
 uncomfortable ; I never was in such a dreary place in 
 all my life. There was a lot of little chairs in it as 
 wasn't big enough for anybody o ver seven stone to sit 
 down upon ; and they'd taken the bed out of the back 
 
: 
 
 6 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 room, and made it all into one, with open doors. When 
 I got in there was about a dozen or fourteen people a 
 sittin' on 'em, and a sort of cheeky little fellow with 
 white hair standin' in the middle of the room. 
 
 I guessed he was the major, tho' he hadn't so much 
 as his eperlettes on, bein' dressed in black and white, 
 like me and the rest. 
 
 Anybody with half a eye could ha' seen the major 
 didn't know nothin' o' me, though he didn't like to 
 show it. So, with a sort o' sidelong glance at his wife, 
 which she didn't seem to twig, he makes me a very 
 perlite bow. 
 
 Brockey's last words to me was " You've got nothing 
 to do but bow," says he, " and you'll pull through all 
 right." 
 
 So I gives the major a reg'lar scraper, and then I sits 
 down on a sort of sofa bedstead in the middle of the 
 room, and I takes a look round. I never see such a 
 lot of cures in my life as the rest of the people was. 
 There was six or seven females, old and young, and 
 ne'er a decent cap amongst the lot. As for dresses I 
 can't talk about 'em, for of all the skimped up things 
 as ever I see they was the wust ; just for all the world 
 like my little gal's frocks when she was turnin' o' nine. 
 There was skirt enough in 'em to have made harf-a- 
 dozen bodies over and over again. But I suppose 
 they'd all bin bought by contract of a slop dressmaker, 
 and she'd made some mistake in the cut of the lower 
 part and took it out by scampin' the rest. Their poor 
 arms, too, was bare and cold, and they'd tried to keep 
 their chilly fingers warm by puttin' on their gloves. 
 
 One on 'em, rather a old party, had a eye-glass and 
 a hooky nose, and she got a starin' at me with it till I 
 felt rather uncomfortable. 
 
 The men was just as bad. They was dressed for all 
 the world like a batch of undertakers, and precious 
 miserable it was. Tight shining boots with the huppers 
 made of hile-cloth, and cut away coats with nothing to 
 
A NIGHT IN BELGRAVE SQUARE. 7 
 
 1 keep yer warm round the waist and lines, then the 
 | hair o' most o' the great gabies was parted down the 
 middle, and likewise a eye-glass too. 
 
 The room was furnished hawful shabby ; there was 
 ne'er a cupboard in it, and as for chaney ornaments on 
 the mantelpiece, not a single one. There was a good 
 fire enough blazin' in the grate, but devil a kettle o' 
 bilin' water on it for a drop o' grog, and ne'er a dog, or 
 cat, or child to be seen in all the blessed place. This don't 
 soot my fireplace, ses I to myself, but without speakin'. 
 
 I think they was all as frightened o' one another as 
 I was o' them, for they talked so low it was more like 
 a buzz, and they hadn't the pluck to laugh out loud, 
 but only grinned. As for me, I said nothin', remem- 
 berin' what Brockey had told me, till an oldish cove 
 come out and posted hisself near me, and begun a talkin' 
 about pictures and heart. 
 
 " I seldom touches it," I ses, " except once in a way 
 with sage and onions ; and I ain't wery nutty on it 
 then." Arter that he walked away. 
 
 I was a gettin' awful hungry. At last a little fat sort 
 of a covey throws the door open and looks at the major, 
 and he says, "Dinner!" Then the major's old lady 
 begun bobbin' about a askin' of everybody to take every- 
 body's arm. I was just a goin' to make up to a sweetly 
 pretty little thing when the old gal says to me, says 
 she, "Will you take Lady Hawkey, Mr. de Weer?" 
 says she ; and afore I could say Jack Robinson the old 
 party with the hook nose and the eyeglass puts her 
 harm in mine, and in this here stoopid fashion we 
 galli wanted downstairs. 
 
 Well, at last we got into a big room where I couldn't 
 see a blessed thing to eat but flowers and candles, which 
 was stuck all over the table, and looked very pretty, 
 but wasn't satisfyin'. Some on 'em took their gloves 
 orf, fearin' to sile 'em, I suppose, but I made up my 
 mind to show 'em as the value of a pair o' kids was 
 nothin' to me, so I kept mine on. 
 
8 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 Presently in walks that imperdent feller, quite demure, 
 as took my coat, along with two or three more fellows, 
 and he says to me, " What soup '11 you take ?" 
 
 " Pea," ses I, in a low tone. 
 
 " We ain't got it, sir," he says. 
 
 " Then bring me a basin o' mutton broth," ses I, 
 quite haughty. 
 
 The old woman with the eye-glass gave me a look 
 but said nothin'. Whether he heard me or not I can't 
 say ; but, howsumever, he brought me a plate with the 
 bottom just kivered by some sort o' brown stuff I never 
 see before. I thought I wouldn't make a rumpus, so I 
 fell to. But I see him in a corner a whisp'rin' to one 
 of his mates and lookin' at me. 
 
 " It's a capital drop o' soup," ses I to the old lady at 
 last, not likin to seem glum. 
 
 What she said I don't know, for I was too busy with 
 the spoon. When the young feller come round I gives 
 him the plate, and ses, " I'll take a drop more." 
 
 Cunnin' like he tries to do me agin. So says he, as 
 if he was hard of hearin', " Turbot, sir, or salmon, did 
 you say ?" 
 
 Says I, still low, but betwixt my teeth like, says I, 
 "Soup, you lubber." I thought it was gettin' high 
 time to stop him dictatin' to me in his own master's 
 house. 
 
 So he gave a nasty sort of a smile, and brought me 
 another spoonful of the brown. 
 
 Well, when I was eatin' of it, the old woman stared 
 at me that bold — I never see the like ; and v/hen I 
 advised her to take a drop more she moved her chair a 
 little from me, and never said a single word. 
 
 After the soup they brought on lots o' things with 
 crackjaw names, too long for me to remember. Most 
 of the people seemed to know all about ? em. As for 
 me, every time the old major offered me anything I 
 jest bowed to him, and so got on werry well. But that 
 feller behind my chair was spiteful to the last, and 
 
A NIGHT IN BEL GEA VE SQ UARE. 9 
 
 seemed to have took a dislike to me the moment I come 
 in the place, as had done no harm to 'im. If ever 
 I turned my head a moment he whipped away my plate 
 like a flash o' lightnin', and there was no such thing as 
 gettin' a good taste of anything flesh or fish. I didn't 
 get a single drop o' gravy, for he alius managed to take 
 it away from me jest as I'd got my knife ready to clear 
 it orff the plate. 
 
 The rest on 'em was the okkurdest creetures at eatin' 
 as ever I see, rammin' their phawks into their mouths 
 like mad. So I made one more trile to make things 
 pleasant with the old lady. " Mind you don't prick 
 yourself, Mrs. Hawkey," I says, smilin'. 
 
 " Pray do not distress yourself on my account," says 
 she, as pleasant as a vinegar-bottle havin' words with a 
 pepper-box. 
 
 I was werry nigh gar spin', for I hadn't had a drop to 
 drink, so I ses to the feller in the black coat, " I'm 
 thirsty," says I. "What'll you take, sir?" says he. 
 " Any think you've got in the house," I says ; and if he 
 didn't give me a dose of the sourest muck I ever put to 
 my lips, I'm a Dutchman. 
 
 So I made up my mind to punch his head just as I 
 was a leavin' of the house. 
 
 Well, then the old fellow as had spoke to me on the 
 fust-floor began a talkin' about " fleebottomy," which I 
 suppose is Latten for flower, for it seemed to be all about 
 buds and plants, and the old major says, quite fine — 
 
 " That there last lekture o' yourn at the Institushun," 
 says he, "was werry instruktiv' and even entertainin'." 
 
 They've got a way o' talkin' that's somehow diffe- 
 rent from ourn, but, if you're sharp, you soon ketch 
 hold on it. 
 
 " It would ha' bin more so," says the other one, pat 
 enufT with his arnser, " if I'd 'ad the advarntij of your 
 Injun experience." 
 
 That reg'lar tickled the old major ; he quite seemed 
 to warm up like, and begun chattin' away a good un. 
 
10 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 His talk hadn't much to do with flow'rs as I could see, 
 but it was about everythink else, and I suppose it's all 
 fleebottomy. It was all about Injer, and punkers, and 
 doolies, and helefants, and tigers, and ragers — some 
 sort o' wild beast I ain't seen, but I thought I'd show 
 him he hadn't got it all his own way. 
 
 "I've been with the tigers myself, major," says I, 
 " leastways I've seen 'em in the Sologikal Gardins " 
 
 This was the first thing I'd spoken out loud, and it 
 reg'lar turned the larf agin the major. All on 'em 
 tittered a bit, except him and his wife, and they looked 
 quite wild and savij at one another, as if they was 
 arskin' questions. 
 
 " One o' their rows agin, I suppose," says I, and felt 
 glad I'd got over my shyness, and come out so well. 
 
 Then in comes all them idle fellers and strips off two 
 slips o' cloth like round towels, and kivers the table 
 with a lot of wine in decanters and all sorts o' fruit ; as 
 for me, I was dyin' for a smoke, but I see ne'er a pipe 
 nor a bit o' baccy in the place. 
 
 The old major's wife was more spiteful than I 
 thought, for arfter lookin' awful evil at me she gives a 
 kind o' glance at the rest on 'em, and blowed if the 
 stuck-up creatures, old hook-nose and all, didn't sail 
 right out o' the room. All the better, thinks I to my- 
 self. Let 'em stay there till I sends for 'em, if our 
 company ain't good enuff for 'em, thinks I, they'll come 
 back soon enuff after their tantrums. Now I hope we 
 shall have a song, I says, and I begun a thinkin' of the 
 toasts I should give 'em if they put me in the chair. 
 
 But no — ne'er a hammer, or a chairman, or a song. 
 They all talked away like schoolboys over their lessons 
 instead — about gettin' into Parliament and huntin' and 
 heart and somethin' about last month's review in Edin- 
 burgh, that one old fellow said he'd seen that mornin', 
 and nobody laughed or seemed to twig the blunder, 
 except me ; but I didn't say anythink, for I didn't want 
 to make the old boy look like a fool. As for most o' 
 
A NIGHT IN BEL GRAVE SQUARE. 11 
 
 their talk, it was such a pack o' stuff and nonsense that 
 I ain't got the 'art to put it down. 
 
 Once or twice some on 'em had a drop o' wine 
 together, and bobbed their heads at one another like 
 heathens without so much as sayin' I looks towar.ds yer, 
 or Here's luck. 
 
 By-and-by the old feller gits up, tired o' waitin', I 
 suppose, so says he, " Let's go and jine the ladies," ses 
 he, as if his sperrit was reg'lar broken. I'd harf a mind 
 to say — Let 'em wait till they get out o' their tantrums ; 
 but I thought o' Brockey, and I didn't. 
 
 If my old lady was to see me give in like this, thinks 
 I, I should be a mere plaything in my own place. 
 
 Well, we went upstairs. Some other time I'll tell 
 yer about that second part in the drawin'-room, but I 
 ain't got the heart to do it now. I sit it out for an 'our 
 or two, till I felt as twittery as a kitten, and then I 
 come away. 
 
 The barrer was waitin' for me round the corner, 
 Jem, and you was there. Never shall I forget the taste 
 of that drop o' porter yer brought out of the can, or the 
 relish o' that lump o' bread and the onion you give me 
 from the pocket of yer coat. For yer own privit year, 
 old fellow, I got many things as I can't let out to the 
 public ; but this I will say, that unless I'd seed it my- 
 self, I couldn't ha' believed as creeturs wi' money in 
 their pokkets and eddication could be so miserable. 
 They're deservin' of all the pity of them as knows the 
 blessin' of a good meal, pleasant conversation, and a 
 easy way o' meetin' one's friends, and, tho' p'r'aps I 
 may larf at 'em along wi' you, I'd be the fust person to 
 put a trifle down for 'em at any public meetin', or get 
 up a friendly lead or a sing-song to purvide the poor 
 things with a Christian meal o' wittles and make their 
 miserable lives more comfortabler and 'appy. 
 
12 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 MR. SPROUTS'S COURTSHIP. 
 
 T ARST Munday was our weddin' day, and we 'ad 
 •*-' what the old majur 'ud kail a s'lect sercle o* 
 frends in the hevenin' ; for they may talk as they like 
 about pride, but yer can't hob-nob with heveryboddy, 
 yer persition won't allow it. I may do bizness with a 
 cove as hawks vinkles in a basket ; but what wood all the 
 chaps with barrurs say if I arsked them to mete 'im at 
 my 'ouse. I may be thrown in contack with a " I am 
 starvin'," or any other artis in sersiety ; but how would 
 the " Beadle Exterminator to the London Vestreys" like 
 to drink out of the same set o' tee-kups with 'im in 
 Kollyflour-alley? As that old gent sez in Parliment, 
 " If property 'ave its dooties, it 'ave also its rites." 
 
 Lor' bless us ! as we grows older these universary 
 days seems to kum twice a yere, an' all as as bin seems 
 to have happened yesterday, and all as is to be looks as 
 if it was comin' to-morrer. There don't seem to be no 
 good distance o' time either afore yer or be'ind yer. 
 Wereas, when you're a cheeild, yer seems as if you 
 had lived for ever an' wos goin' to live for evermore. 
 
 Betsi wanted to send out kards, like them pore crit- 
 turs in the skwares ; but, sez I, " let's sho' ourselves 
 independunt on em, and do it in our own way.'' So I 
 jest sez to wun or too in plane Hinglish, " Vill yer 
 shake a teekup at our drum next Munday, old pal ?" 
 an' they sez, " Like a journeyman atter," an' the thing 
 was done. 
 
 We'd a nice party. There vos Mr. Grimes, assistant 
 to a dust kontractur — he ain't wun of them low broots 
 as carrys the stuff up the laddur, but wun as shovels it in 
 the baskit, an' his vife a distribbiter of dairy produse. 
 Then thare vos Ferritt, the dawg fansier, an' his sun as 
 
MR. SPROUTS S COURTSHIP. 13 
 
 can rite, an' kill rats agin' time with any dawg in the 
 vurld, and Signur Bagshot, as owns a Karryvan of 
 Curosetees, likevise his wife, an' the jiant, and the Blud 
 Drinker of Peroo, from the sho', as is not at all prowd 
 in privit life, an' likes beer. Assin the Dworf, sup- 
 posed to be the only sun of the Sultin of Turkey, now 
 in Hingland, kum in the herly part o' the hevenin, but, 
 as e begun a kryin' cause ve adn't got no katsmeat, we 
 sent 'im away, and finished up verry kumfurtabl' amongst 
 hourselves. 
 
 I shall never forgit our coartin'. Lor' bless me wot a 
 gay yung feller I wos wen I fust knoo Betsi. My air 
 was kurled every blessid mornin' vith bakky pipe, an' I 
 thought o' nothin' but fashun and vanitis. I'd four rows 
 of hobnales in my best boots, an' wore a wesket every 
 blessid day in the week, let alone Sundays. If ever 
 there wos a sho' of dawgs my puppis karried orfF the 
 prize ; an' thay wos puppis ! You kood a put 'em in a 
 'arf quarten glarse, an' they luv'd me like a farthur. 
 If ever there wos a friendly lead, Joe opend with the 
 fust song. If there wos a raffle, Joe put his name atop 
 of the list, an' 'ad the fust throw. Ven 'e fed his 
 rabbits the gals used to look over the railings and visper 
 " pretty bunny," meanin' pretty Joe. Wen 'e went out 
 burd-ketchin' tha used to bother 'im fur pressints, an' 
 made pets o' the burds ; and wen he tuk vun on 'em to 
 the play thare wos no stint o' gingur-beer an' mutton- 
 pies, for eels 'adn't kum up. But I nevur used to think 
 o' marryin' ; an' at larst thay hall got to callin' me 
 " Batchilur Jo," for, as the fellur sez in the book, "My 
 'art wos adermint agin the distrakshuns o' the fair." 
 
 But it warn't to last for ever ; for wun day I wos 
 goin' 'ome promiskus-like, in the evenin' at nite, when I 
 kum plump on a Jak-in-the-Grene in a by-street, an' I 
 wos standin' as yoo mite be, lookin' at the green workin' 
 up and down, more like a barril o' beer fomentin' than 
 anythink else, when up cum the Queen of Buty with 
 the ladel, an' begun to darnse. 
 
14 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 Yer mite 'ave knock'd me down vith a sledge 'ammer, 
 for of all the luvly things I ever see she wos one. She 
 koodn't have weighed less than eleven stun, an' she 'ad 
 a arm an' fist as could have fiored a coaly, an' was 
 kuvvered vith musling and red boots like the beins of 
 anuther vurld. The jentle excitement o' the 'op 'ad 
 given a glo' of warmth to 'er cheeks and nose, and 
 d'rekly I se 'er I felt a sumthing krackin hinside an' I 
 knew my 'art vos touched. 
 
 " Give us a copper," sez she. 
 
 " A copper," I sez, " annythink, everythink, here's 
 tuppense." 
 
 " Is that all ?" sez she, smilin'. 
 
 " I have no more," sez I ; " stop, does yer mothur 
 smoke ?" 
 
 " She do," sez she. 
 
 " Then take my baccy-box," I sez, an' I give her 
 half-an-ounce of burd's-eye an' a kullered pipe. 
 
 Thay vent off, an' I followed and see 'er dansin' 
 agin an' agin vith the Lord in the cock'd 'at and green 
 sash, an' makin' beleev to kiss 'er hand and offer 'er 
 luv to 'im till I felt the fires of jellursy cussin' thro' 
 my branes, tho' I mite 'ave 'ad the sense to see as it wos 
 only a purfeshunal detachment. 
 
 I follered 'er to 'er fathur's door, as was a koke mer- 
 chunt ov the name of Chigley. I see 'em put the green to 
 bed. I found out 'er name was Betsi. I waived a last adoo 
 to 'er as she stood neer the coke skales. I vent 'ome. 
 
 But not to sleep. I fed the rabbits an' the pijjins, 
 an' giv the pups a hapurth o' milk and put 'em to bed. 
 All nite long I vos tossin' about. I got up an' wacked 
 the puppies for a change. I tride to teach my starlin' to 
 vissel " Elizurbuth Chigley," but it wos only the nite 
 before as I teeched 'im to larn " Ratketcher Joe," out 
 o' komplerment to a frend, and 'e mixt the two together, 
 an' did nothin' but vissel Ratketchur Chigley till I felt 
 as I could ha' pisened 'im. 
 
 It vent on for sum days, an' every 'our I got worse an 
 
MR. SPROUTSS COURTSHIP. 15 
 
 worse. I took no pride in dres, the peek of my cap wos 
 pretty nigh as often on my forehead as it vos over my 
 left ear. I 'ad to take two drinks to finish a pot of 
 'ewy, my 'air got out o' kurl, I kouldn't vissel, I 
 kouldn't shy a skittel-ball. I 'adn't the strength to skin 
 a rabbit, I wos off my bakky, I wos late on markit 
 days, I spekkilated in koke an' lost, I skwanderd my 
 kapital, I 'ated the rat-pit, I didn't 'ave a fite for three 
 weeks. The pups groo up without 'avin' thare tales 
 kut, the kat fought the chikkings, the rabbits got 'uffy, 
 an' one on 'em 'ung hisself through the bars of his 
 'utch ; an' in the mist of it all the vite mouse vos kon- 
 fined, and the fathur seemed to ask me 'ow 'e wos to 
 git sop for 'is childrun. 
 
 This brought me too. " I must do suthin' or die," 
 sez I ; " I owe a dooty to this ere famerly o' innersents ;" 
 an', as luck would have it, I hit upon a idea. 
 
 There wos a haredressur in the street as had a assistant 
 named Alfonser de Makasser, a puffeck swell, as wore 
 Wellintun boots, an' could spell " satisfakshun" like a 
 dixonery, likewise 'e could rite ornimentle, and did all 
 the cards for the vindy, so I vent to him. 
 
 I told 'im wot wos the mattur, an' sez 'e, " You 
 have my simperthy," he ses, " I'm in the same tender 
 sittyvashun," sez he. " Ow can I help yer ?" 
 
 " Why," I sez, " I wants yer to put down everythink 
 I tells yer in ornimental ritin', an' rool the lines. Say 
 as I feels my art shrinkin' to nuthin' as if it vos bein' 
 biled, an' ennythink else yer think of, an' I'll give yer 
 thrippence a piece for every idea as yer can rite to her." 
 
 " Rite to who ?" sez 'e. " Elizurbuth," sez I. 
 "Also the cognomen of my idol," sez 'e, and then 'e 
 rit me the follerin' note : — 
 
 " Beloved yet buteful unknown ! Wen the mornin' brakes 
 my awaken'd soul will wing its fiite to yer lattiss and chirrup 
 'Git hup!' and at eve we'll sit beneeth the archin' vines, 
 and wunder wy yer fathur eats 'is heart in sollitood, and skatturs 
 yer buty to the winds. Ah, Elizurbuth, werfore art thou 
 
16 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 Betsi ? Is this a dagger wich I see before me ? and wot's in 
 a name ? — Yourn, as you uses 'im, 
 
 " Josef. 
 " N.B. All letters to be prepade." 
 
 " Wot is the price o' that ?" I sez. 
 
 " Eight pense," 'e ses, " leastways if yer have it rit 
 like printin'. The quotashuns from the poets is tuppense 
 a piece, and the ritin tuppense." 
 
 But when I got to the post office I see a compleat 
 letter riter for sale for both sexes, with forms of address 
 for members o' Parliment, marchints, ambassadurs, and 
 lawyers, an' a reddy rekner, on the prinseeples of sound 
 merrality, and I bot it. 
 
 The very next day I gits a letter from 'er as fine as 
 if it 'ad been copied out of a letter riter, only I knew 
 as no one else but me wos up to sich a dodge. This 
 vos it : — 
 
 " Letter 23. — To a lover on rejectin' 'is soot. 
 " Deer Cur, if in the freedom o' konversashun enjined by 
 the konvenshunalities o' sosiete I 'ave led yer to believ as the 
 detachmint you express is resiprokled, I ask yer pardun, for 
 candy compels me to acknoledge that the utmost solicitations 
 of ingenooity will avail you nought as my art is anuther's, an* 
 my Fathur, who is a retired merchint of wealthy habbits (here 
 put okkipation of Father, if any), could ill sustain the bereeve- 
 ment of wun he 'as trained vith peculiar care. Madenly modisty 
 prevents me from addin' more. — I am, Cur, with full 'steem, 
 yours, " Elizurbeth Chigley." 
 
 D'rekly I got this I sent the follerin', wich I red out 
 o' the buk, an' improved with bits o' my own. 
 
 " From a modist but unfort'nate young gentleman. 
 " Deer Elizurbeth, My Art is a wolkaner, My feelins is 
 wirlpools, My dawg is dead, Woises seems to wisper i Chigley' 
 in the silent nite, Yer silf-like form flotes before me in vishuns 
 like a thing of hair, and I have no peas in my bed. — Yer 
 obedyunt servint, 
 
 " Josef Sprouts." 
 
MR SFROUTSS COURTSHIP. 17 
 
 The next vun was from her as rollers:— 
 
 "Letter 25. — To the same on the same from the same. 
 
 "Cur, — Forgit yer unhappy passion. Try to soothe yer 
 disturbances by furrin travil, and in the eternil buty of the 
 city of the Caesars obliviate my transyent charms. For u a 
 horrible path is hopen. To deny that I am hindifferent to 
 yure menny exsellent quality's of 'ed and 'art would be mere 
 affection. I 'ave watched yure career, and shall continny to 
 do so wen the rewords of a lofty ambition shall be yourn. 
 
 " (Here sine name). 
 
 " Elizurbeth Chigley. 
 
 cl Address Coke-shed, Ash-lane, Spital fields/ * 
 
 I see this sort o' game vos no go, and I mite ha' 
 gone on like this for hever. Besides, I vos tired o* 
 starvin' myself, so I begun a noo move in the follerin' 
 tarms : — 
 
 " Miss, — This is to give notis that I vill neither eat or 
 drink anythink till yer've promised to be mian. Therefor, 
 if yer holds hout hobstinit, you'll 'ave to appere on the hink- 
 west, and likewise be awaked at nite by the ghost of yer 
 humbel servunt, 
 
 " Josef Sprouts." 
 
 D'rekly I'd posted that I went an' lade in, about a 
 pound o' stake an' some hewy and felt konsiderably 
 refreshed. In four days' time I went to her fathur's 
 orris to make a larst appeal, and found her weighin' 
 out a sak o' coke. 
 
 D'rekly I see 'er I pulls a horful long fase as if I vos 
 gnawed to piecis, an' I sez sollumly — 
 
 " Is your name Chigley ?" sez I. 
 
 " Rayther," sez she. 
 
 " An' mian," sez I, "is Sprouts. Do yer still luv 
 my 'ated rifle ?" 
 
 " Yes," she says, " I vusshups 'im." 
 
 " Wot's 'is fitin' weight ?" I sez. 
 
 C 
 

 18 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " He's a purfesshunel person — a haredressur," sez 
 she. 
 
 " Is thare no 'ope ?" sez I. 
 
 u How much do yer git a weke ?" sez she. 
 
 u Five-an'-twenty shillins in the season," sez I. 
 
 "No hope wotever," sez she. 
 
 " Thank you kindly, Miss Chigley," I sez. " I will 
 not keep you any longur. I am goin' to 'op the twig. 
 I am slowly w T astin' away with 'unger. I weigh'd twelve 
 stun three days ago ; I now ways four. Good-bi, and 
 exsept the blessin of a 'ungry 'art." 
 
 I had 'ardly got a dozzen steps away wen she kum 
 runnin' arfter me, and throo 'erself on my veskit, and 
 sez she, " Josef, beluvid Josef, if you luv me better 
 than vittles, yer 'art indede is troo. I was only tryin' 
 yer. I am yoorn, thian for ever, come hin, an' pour 
 out the story o' yer love, an' have some herrin'." 
 
 " Will yer be a mother to my puppeys ?" I sez. 
 
 " I vill, I vill," sez she, an' then our noses met, an' 
 then our lips, an' it vos settled. 
 
 " May I wait upon yer father ?" sez I. 
 
 " He's hout coal-vippin'," sez she, but in the evenin' 
 I giv 'im a quarten o' rum an' got his consent. 
 
 We wos tide up that very day three weeks. The cole- 
 vipper spared no expens in fittin' out 'is child. The 
 trooso was dun hup in a sak in the washhouse, an' 
 there vos everythink the hye could desire. Three yards 
 of ile-kloth for tabel-kivers, an' three pares o' noo 
 stockkins, an' three darned, a shawl, a female pare o' 
 bluchers for market-days, two nitekaps and a sta'-bone, 
 a kuart pot with a false bottom for bizness, and a full- 
 sized one for pleshur, an' too pare of yaller boots, and 
 Bonnycastle's Algebry for readin' on wet days. 
 
 D'rekly we got bak from church I rushed horff madly 
 up vun street an' down anuther in the 'appyniss of my 
 'art. I felt abuv everythink. I floted along like a 
 bladder. I felt a longin' to do sumthin' unnatural, 
 unkommon, danjerus, so I went to wash myself and to 
 
MR. SPROUT&S COURTSHIP. 19 
 
 be shaved. Alfonser De Makassur wos reedin' Lord 
 Bakun's " Don Jooin" wen I rushed in. 
 
 " Hooray ! hooray !" I sez, " I've wun 'er, she is 
 mian, she is mian." 
 
 " Moderit yer transports/' sez 'e, " who's yourn ?" 
 
 " Betsi," I sez, " Betsi." 
 
 " Wot Betsy ?" sez 'e. 
 
 " Betsy Chigley," I sez, " the coal-vipper's child." 
 
 u It's false," 'e skremed, " thou wiper, thou sarpint. 
 She is not thian. I 'ave 'ad vowels of luv from 'er 
 own raven lips. I 'ave given 'er two pots o' permatum 
 and a pair of sizzers. She is mian by hevery humeing 
 tie." 
 
 It wos too troo. My Betsi wos 'is Betsi, and 'is'n as 
 wos wos mian as is. 
 
 'E sharpened a razur with emfersis, wile a dark frowa 
 lit hup 'is butiful 'ead of 'air. 
 
 " Did you say you wonted shavin' ?" 'e sed, tryin' to 
 look karm, with a terribl' roll of 'is rite hyeball. 
 
 " No," I sed ; " forgiv' me, it wos a parsin' weekniss. 
 I am better now. I wish to be just," I sez -, " I think 
 I owes yer eight pense ; aksept a shilling, an' wen yer 
 look at the od fourpense, think sumtimes of Josef 
 Sprouts. Farewel." 
 
 " I will not touch yer filthy gold," he sed, puttin' it 
 hin 'is veskit pokkit, " I will chace thee till deth." 
 
 I flew to 'er fathur's manshun, and he pursood, 
 Neddi's granfather wos harnissed to a noo barrer at the 
 dore, vaitin' to take hus to Witechapil, were we wos to 
 spend the 'unnymoon. 
 
 Betsi 'ad fin'shed kleenin' 'erselt, an' all vos reddy 
 wen we got there. 
 
 " Unmanly woman!" skremed De Makassur, " wot is 
 the kause of this rejekshun ?" 
 
 " You wos too reg'lar at meels," sed Betsi. 
 
 " Listen," 'e sez, " I 'ad tak'n a superior shavin' shop, 
 and I shall 'ave to forfit the depozzit. May the cuss of 
 a blighted bein', a 'airdressur's kuss, fall upon yer 'ed, 
 
20 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 and make yer bawld before yer time. Ma' the orty 
 tyrant as 'ave stolin yer, whip yer with unkindness worse 
 than yer fathur whips his coals. May yer 'ave no 
 children, 'an ven they're vaksinated ma' it nevvur take. 
 Ma' yer 'ave no joy in wakin', and may yer dreems always 
 be harnted by the memmury of Makassur's cuss." 
 
 Arter that the trooso vos put in the barrer, the naburs 
 cheered, the cole-wippur giv' us 'is blessin',an' we druv 
 off. 
 
 A SATURDAY CONCERT. 
 
 ■\T7"E finished pretty early one Saturday mornin', and 
 ^ * hadn't done bad neither. We was clean sold out 
 o' Brussels sprouts and collyflowers, and there warn't 
 above half-a-dozen pound o' pertaters and salary left : 
 so ses I to the old woman, when we got home — "I 
 feels a little bit larkish, and I'm harf a mind to take yer 
 out somewheres for the rest o' the day." 
 
 " What's the use," she ses, " yer can't get no pleasure 
 nowhere, at this time ; them villins at the public don't 
 begin drawin' the cream gin till seven o'clock, and that 
 stuff they sells in the day time han't got a bit o' taste." 
 
 "Well," I ses, "in course we shall finish up there; 
 but there's sure to be summat up somewheres now. I 
 wish the music-halls was open in the day time." 
 
 " So they are," she ses, " at the Christial Pallis. I've 
 heard say there's a consort there every Saturday ; and 
 that means a music-hall, yer know." 
 
 " Brayvo !" I chirrups, " put yer rags on then, and 
 we'll be off." 
 
 " Yes, but/' ses she, " how are we to get there ?" 
 
 " Why, drive down in the barrer, in course," I ses. 
 "Neddy's as fresh as a kitten, and I'll clean up the 
 harness a bit, and we can stow the vegetables under 
 the bed." 
 
A SATURDAY CONCERT. 21 
 
 So in about 'arf a nour we was ready. The old gal 
 had on a blue moiry anteek, yaller boots, and a slap-up 
 green an' red shawl she bot last week of a smuggler as 
 hadn't paid dooty. As for me, I chucks on my new 
 velveteen startler and kickseys, white stockins, and a 
 hairy cap, and them high-lows as I had made last summer 
 to go and see the fite, with Muggy Donovin's colours 
 for a fogle round my neck. 
 
 " Joe," ses the old lady, quite soft like, as she used 
 afore we was married, " Joe, yer looks meltin'." 
 
 So we druv off. I couldn't help feelin' a little proud 
 when the boys come hoorayin' behind the cart •, but we 
 was rather in a hurry, so I gives Neddy a touch o' the 
 switcher, and we bowled down there in no time. 
 
 " We're a little late," I ses, as we rolled up under 
 the portico ; " howsumever we shan't have so much 
 to pay." 
 
 When we got out there was two policemen a larfin' 
 like mad, tellin' one another funny stories, I suppose, 
 thinks I. So I hands the old woman out like a lord, 
 and promised a boy a trifle to mind the donkey. My 
 eyes ! didn't the money-takers stare when we got in, 
 as if they'd never seen nobody dress'd in their lives 
 afore. So I marches up to one on 'em, a likely lookin' 
 young feller, and puts a shillin' on the counter. 
 
 " Arf price for two," ses I. 
 
 So he busts out in a titter, and ses, snigger in' like, 
 " It's five shillin's to pay, sir." 
 
 " Why, yer shabby cannibul," ses I (I see that word 
 once in print), " a try in' your games on because yer see 
 a person dressed respectable." 
 
 " It's a regular hinquisition," ses the old gal, as fine 
 as any lady. 
 
 That sort of quiet mild way, quite like the gentle- 
 folks, brought 'im down in a moment. So he shows 
 us a hadvertisement in the paper with the price marked •, 
 and, as I was bound not to spile the treat for a haporth 
 o' tar, I puts down the money and we went in. 
 
22 MR. SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 I felt rather dry, for we'd only had time to stop at 
 three places ; so I goes up to a big counter where some 
 ladies was eatin' penny ices, and calls for two six- 
 pennorths o' rum 'ot. 
 
 " We don't sell it," ses a perky sort o' Miss Nancy, in 
 a black gownd ; " but you can either have corfee or tee." 
 
 "Corfee yer gran'mother," my old lady ses, firm' up, 
 and we marched into the consort-room. Well, the 
 place was full, reg'lar bilin' over with people, clean 
 enough and quiet ; but, tho' I say it, there warn't a 
 blessed female as could 'old a candle to Betsy in the way 
 of dress ; and as for the men, but there ! I'm alius a 
 talkin' about myself. I ses nothin'. But they pushed 
 one another, and stared, and made way for us as if we'd 
 bin the fust in the land. 
 
 "'Old yer gownd up, and let 'em see your boots," I 
 ses, as we went up into the gallery, for I felt more 
 comfortabler there. 
 
 My eye ! how they stared at us, till I felt as proud as 
 a little dog with too tails. I had a progrim, and sat 
 readin' of it, like the gentry at the theatre afore the 
 play begins. 
 
 At last in comes a young feller and makes a bow, and 
 sits down with his back to the company, and waves a 
 fiddle-stick, and all the fellers begins to play. 
 
 It was a hoverture. I've yeard 'em before, and I 
 wouldn't give my name for a dozen on 'em. It's more 
 like as if they was a learnin' to play than anythink else, 
 or as if they was havin' a lark with the gaffer. Every 
 feller blows away jest as he likes and leaves off when 
 he likes, and when the young feller pints at one with 
 his stick, as much as to say, " Wire in," another cove 
 in the corner tootles a bit on the flute, and hides hisseif 
 the moment the gaffer looks round. It was the hover- 
 ture to the bronze horse, but I like 'im better in wax- 
 work at Madam Toosord's. 
 
 By-and-by they finished, tearin' away at it as if they 
 was all mad. 
 
A SATURDAY CONCERT. 23 
 
 "Now you'll see a reg'lar lark," ses I to the old 
 woman, readin' from the bill, " a reg'lar screamer — 
 Mozart's < Diversion with a flat' on the pianer. 
 
 " Oh," I ses, " it's fine. I see it once at a music-hall, 
 leastways I s'pose it's the same. A cove comes in and 
 tries to play the pianer, he's the flat, and another cove, 
 hidin' round the corner, keeps bobbin' up and ticklin' 
 'im with a pitchfork — that's Mozart." 
 
 Well, in come a meek-lookin' young feller, with long 
 'air and spectacles combed back, and he sit down jest as 
 natural as if he didn't know anythink about Mozart, 
 and rattled away a good 'un. 
 
 " Where's Moses ?" ses the hold lady. 
 
 Where was Moses, indeed— cleaning the pitchfork, 
 I s'pose. He never showed hup at all ; and the thing's 
 nothink if it's on'y harf done. I couldn't help thinkin' 
 he was a playin' with us insted o' the flat, and I felt 
 regler wild when the feller finished and they clapped 
 their hands. 
 
 " Give us a bit o' cold meat out o' the baskit," I ses ; 
 " I can't stand this here." 
 
 The next thing was a funeral march. 
 
 "That'll be a hit at the hundertakers," I ses. 
 
 "Time enufFtoo," ses Betsy, "with corfins at such a 
 price and symetries such a way ofF. It's a reg'lar march 
 and no mistake. I hope they'll bring it in about the 
 berial societies. There han't a bit o' comfort in goin' 
 to a funeral now." 
 
 But all the hidjuts did was to blow away for 'arf a 
 nour like dyin' ducks, as if they was goin' to be buried 
 theirselves. 
 
 u Well, this is a five bobs' worth," ses I to an old 
 Grampus as sat next to me, who looked as if he was 
 dreamin'. 
 
 " Magnificent !" ses he, without turnin' round — pore 
 old stoopid. 
 
 " I wish there was a bit o' horse ridin'," ses my wife ; 
 " I'm sick o' this." 
 
24 MR. SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 And blessed if I didn't see Batti, Batti, printed on 
 the bill as large as life. 
 
 Well, bio wed if that didn't clean freshen me up. It 
 brought back old times, in a manner o' speakin', when 
 we was a courtin', and used to go and have a tanner's 
 worth at Ashley's, and finish up with a nice relish o' 
 heel pies for supper and harmond wilks ; and I longed 
 to see them noisy fellers clear off and the sordust put 
 down. 
 
 I felt that uppish like when they blowed theirselves 
 out o' wind that I puts my two fingers in my mouth and 
 gives a regular wistle, as they do at the play. 
 
 By gum, if that wistle didn't wake 'em all up like a 
 flash o' lightnin', every mother's son on 'em in the pit 
 looked up as if the house was a fire. I never had so 
 much notis taken of me in my life. 
 
 " Give 'em another, Joe," ses the old woman, quite 
 proud on me. 
 
 I was jest goin' to do it when a bobby taps me on the 
 shoulder, and ses he — 
 
 " That sort o' thing won't go down here, my fine 
 feller," ses he. 
 
 " Show 'em you're got a sperrit, Joe," ses Betsy. 
 
 " What sort o' thing ?" ses I ; " what d'ye mean ?" 
 
 " Mean," he ses, " wy, that wistlin'." 
 
 " Get out," I tells 'im, " I'll report yer if yer milests 
 me, or, I'll tell yer what, I'll fite yer any Sunday 
 mornin' yer like when you're out o' uniform in Copen- 
 hagen-fields." 
 
 " Don't do it agin," he sez, movin' off, ashamed like, 
 for there were lots o' people grinnin' at 'im in the pit. 
 
 And what d'ye think Batti was arter all ? Jest 
 nothin'. A delikit sort o' creetur come on, and went 
 thro' some sort o' nonsense. " One o' the children, 
 doin' summat for the benefit o' the old man, I s'pose," 
 sez I. So none on us didn't hiss, as it was a case of 
 hafliction, but I could see as every one would ha' liked 
 the horse-ridin' better. 
 
A SATURDAY CONCERT. 25 
 
 When that young woman had done, up steps a 
 sheepish-looking feller, and begun singin' a sentimental 
 song. He seemed to be somebody, for when he come 
 on, the place was that quiet you could hear a fly sneeze, 
 but the poor thing didn't seem to have no sort o' sperrit 
 for sentimental singin', for he began that low and quiet 
 you could hardly hear a word he said. 
 
 " Speak hup, "ses I, leanin' over the gallery, " fling it 
 
 A. " 
 
 out. 
 
 Blessed if everythink I ses in company don't go 
 down amazin' well ! They all stared at me 'arder 
 than ever ; and it did the feller good, too, for arter he'd 
 kep it up another line or two, to show that he warn't 
 afraid, he rattled it out a good 'un. 
 
 " Call that singin' ?" I ses to the old gent next me 
 " Yer don't appear to 'ave heerd Signor Whatkini sing 
 the ' Death o' Nelson' at the sign o' the Leg o' Mutton 
 an' Trimmins, in the Dials," I ses. 
 
 " No," ses the crabby old warmint, " but I certingly 
 think you might confine your patronage to places where 
 you are better pleased." 
 
 "Who cares for what you think, old Hemperor o' 
 Rooshia ?" ses Betsy. " Joe, let's go." 
 
 " Go," I ses, " let's hear the comic song fust, there's 
 a chorus to it as I've joined in dozens of times." 
 
 " What is it ?" she says. 
 
 " Why," says I, " ' Baccy O,' to be sure. < II Bacio' 
 they calls it here, but it ain't spelt right ; it's that song 
 about the pleasures o' smokin' as we heerd last week." 
 
 " Why, they ain't got hold o' the right toon," I ses, 
 when they begun, " and it's all about the French baccy, 
 I think, and that aint much account." 
 
 " Nothin's much account," ses Betsy, quite out o' 
 temper, " nothin's much account ; let's be off." 
 
 " Won't yer stop to 'ear the last thing ?" I ses — 
 " Beetovin's sonnet on a flat' with a 'op after it. P'r'aps 
 that'll be a leetle to larf at." 
 
 " No, drat the flats," ses she, " and Beetovin too. I 
 
26 
 
 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 think they're all flats together. I daresay he'll be jusi 
 as big a noodle as Moses. As for the 'ops," ses she, 
 larfin', " let's 'op off." So out we went all thro' that 
 long Christial Pallis ; the noodles stared at us reg'lar 
 foolish. At last we gits to the door, and finds the 
 donkey — a good bit 'appier than us, for he'd 'ad his 
 dinner, and nobody had been playing no larks with 'im. 
 As soon as we got up to town we finished hup at the 
 Leg o' Mutton and Trimmins, and heered Whatkini and 
 loads o' talent for 3d., and we made up our minds not 
 to be trapped into five shillin' consorts full of furriners 
 no more. 
 
 A NIGHT IN PARLIAMENT. 
 
 ^pHERE'S a nice civel fellow as lives in our house, 
 ■*■ a perliceman he is, as knows amost everythink 
 about lor and sich like, for tho' he's young he's 'ad a 
 matter o' three people transported for life ; and he's got 
 a job on now as '11 p'raps come to a hangin' if it turns 
 out well, and that '11 make his fortin. But he's no ways 
 proud, and he talks to me sometimes when he's off 
 dooty, jest as if he was nobody and I kep a shop. 
 
 So, the other day, when he cum to pay his rent, we 
 fell a talkin' about this thing an' that, an' I ses to 'im, 
 " 'Ow many cases 'ave yer 'ad on this week, Mr. 
 Battun ?" ses 1. 
 
 " Ne'er a one," he ses, " and I ain't likely to 'ave 
 neither, seein' as I'm on dooty at the House all the week." 
 
 '• Ah," ses Betsy, " I s'pose them pore kreeturs is too 
 hungry to kick up a row. 'Ave yer ever tasted the 
 gruel they gives 'em there ? I've heerd say it's no better 
 than the stuff the billstickers carries about with 'em in 
 the tin cans." 
 
 " O," ses he, smilin' right out loud, " I don't mean 
 the wurkus, I means the House o' Parliment at Wes- 
 
A NIGHT IN PARLIAMENT. 27 
 
 minster were they makes the lors — the Senit, as some 
 call it." 
 
 " Of course yer do," ses I, snappin' 'im hup, for I 
 felt rather ashamed of the old lady goin' on like that 
 before a perliceman. " 'Ow are they all down that 
 way r 
 
 " Fust rate," he ses. 
 
 " Lor," I ses, " Fve never bin there ; but I've seed 
 'em at the theater lots o' times, them senitors, and rare 
 cures they looks with their black bed gownds and 
 extinguisher caps, all sittin' round the red board with 
 masks on, as brings the cove in to be killed and his 
 corfin with 'im, as has forgot the password." + 
 
 " Stuff," he ses, " that's what they do in the furrin 
 Parliments. Ourn ain't dressed much different to you 
 or me ; an' a preshus lot o' rum 'uns some on 'em look, 
 with their bloo coats and brass buttons, like old livery- 
 stable keepers. As for tiles, I ain't seen one among 'em 
 that's a match on your billycock or my 'elmet for 
 kumfurt; and for passwords they ain't got none at all — 
 any feller might git in." 
 
 I dunno 'ow it is, but I think that blessed dinner in 
 Belgrave-square has spiled me. Every time I 'ears any 
 thing o' this sort I'm all agog to see it, and what the 
 peeler 'ad sed made me feel as quirky for to get into 
 Parliment as a donkey for beans. But I didn't say a 
 word to nobody ; and, when he was gone, I pretendid I 
 was off my beer and queerish, and went to bed. 
 
 Well, erly the next mornin', and quite unbeknown 
 to the old lady, as was gone out, I shies myself into a 
 soot o' togs as one of the lodgers left behind 'im for 
 rent, and, slopin' out ov our house the back way, I 
 jumps into a Hansum, and ses to the cabby, "West- 
 minster Pallis," as loud as you please. 
 
 When we got to Cherring Cross I began to feel 
 reg'lar tickled. You'd 'a thought all the world 'ad 
 turned out to see me. All the 'ouses was piled up with 
 people like baskits o' haddicks at Billin'sgate, and yer 
 
28 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 couldn't see the lions at Nelson's statty for the boys as 
 kivered 'em. The winder was full o' beautiful lookin' 
 ladies an' hold gentlemen at eighteenpence a 'ead, and 
 the perlicemen was knockin' the little boys and pore 
 people about as pleasant as at a Lord Mare's show. 
 
 " Where are yer off too ?" says a bluebottle on 
 'orseback, stoppin' the cab with a country aksent. 
 
 " To the House," I ses, "to be sure, yer guffin. 
 Where else d'yer think? I'm the member foi Seven 
 Diles." 
 
 "Oh! I beg yer 'umble pardon, sir," says he: 
 " parse on." When we got a bit further on the boys 
 begun a hoorayin' at me in the cab, and as I've heerd it's 
 the rite thing to keep bowin' and scrapin', I ducks to 
 'em once or twice, an' they kep' it hup wuss than ever, 
 till the people at the bridge begun to think somebody 
 was a comin', and the bobbies galloped about furus till 
 I cum up, and then they looked rather huffy and went 
 off. 
 
 Well, we riggled along as jolly as a wurm in a pea- 
 shell till we cum to the turnin' into Pallis-yard, and, 
 jest as I was thinkin' 'ow nobby I'd got over it, I see a 
 site as give me quite a turn. 
 
 It was Betsy 'avin a bit of a fite jest for fun like with 
 a coaly' s wife. They was both at it like tinkers for deer 
 life. The old lady was over wated, and she'd lost her 
 bonnet and a little bit of her 'air, but the coaly's vife 
 was reg'lar shook to bits. 
 
 " Drive farst, cabby," ses I. But afore I could get 
 by the old lady twigs me. 
 
 "What Joe," she ses, "bless me, if it ain't 'im! 
 Why, mercy on us, Joe, won't yer cum and 'elp yer 
 lauful w T ife as them villins is a limbin' of ?" 
 
 I know'd she warn't in no danger, so I vips up the 
 oss with my umbreller, and turns the corner in a 
 moment, jest as I heerd the policeman a warnin' 'er 
 about interferin' with members. 
 
 The gentry a got a slap dash sort o' way o' doin' 
 
A NIGHT IN PARLIAMENT. 29 
 
 things as if they thought nobody else was nobody. So, 
 w'en I gits out o' the kab, I puts that on too, and gives 
 the kabby 'arf-a-krown jest as if I didn't no the diffe- 
 rence between that and a shilling ; and follerin' a old 
 covey I marches clean through into the 'ouse. 
 
 Now, thinks I, my fakement is to do heverythink 
 like this old feller, for he seems hup to it hall. So, 
 wen we got in, he pulls off a werry dickey sort o' tile 
 and clambers up some benches to the left of a chap in 
 a vig like a cat on 'ot bricks ; and I lugs off my tile 
 and follers 'im quite close, and bumps down jest at his 
 side. 
 
 " Let's go on the other side, mate," ses I, " this don't 
 soot my fireplace. What with the draft from that there 
 door and one thing and another, we seems as if we 
 was sittin' hout in the kold." 
 
 With that, he moves 'is 'ed round slow in his stock, 
 and takes in all my pints from top to toe. Then he 
 settles 'is hold chump round agin in 'is belcher, but ses 
 nothin'. 
 
 That's their way o' talkin' ; they manij most altogether 
 by sines. So I settles my 'ed down in my belcher, and 
 looks at my toes, jest as he was doin'. 
 
 A fat-lookin' old boy, like a farmer, was sittin' on 
 the hother side o' me, with his face shinin' as hif he'd 
 jest washed it with yaller sope, and he begun torkin'. 
 
 " I'm hextreem dubeus," ses he, " about the korse I 
 shall take in regard to reform, for I dreads that a 
 lowerin' of the (somethin' or other) will 'ave the hefFect 
 of kiverin' them there benches opperzite with men as 
 represents the lower horders, not only in centiments, 
 but in languidge, and that all the eddication as well as 
 property '11 be on this side o' the 'ouse." 
 
 Every blessed word o' this was Greek to me, so I 
 jest turns round in my collar and hies 'im down as 
 cheeky as the fust one did me, and that settled 'im for 
 a bit. 
 
 " I fancy," ses he arfter a bit, " they'll 'ave konsider- 
 
SO MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 able trubble with the budgit this yeer. The waist o' 
 some o' the public departments is hawful. I intend to 
 call attention. to it." 
 
 I tumbled this time to what he meant. " Rite you 
 are, sir," ses I, " and wile you're at it, give 'em a histe 
 about kiverin' the top o' that klok with gold leaf; 
 there's bin stuff enuff waisted there to git arf the 
 blankits in London out o' pawn." 
 
 " O," ses he, rather touchy, "they ain't risponsible 
 for that." 
 
 " Ain't they ?" ses I, " I back that chap in the vig 
 knows somethin' about it. Yer might 'ave a reg'lar 
 chaff with 'im about kiverin' hisself hup in hall that 
 wool, for there's vaste agin'." 
 
 He was kviet agin for a minnit or too, and then he 
 ses to me, quite mild like, ses he, " 'Ave you taken the 
 oath ?" 
 
 " Not a single one," I ses, " since I set foot in the 
 place. I never do except I'm reg'lar got out." 
 
 Jest as we got to that in comes a very respectable- 
 lookin' chap with a black stick in 'is 'and, and he calls 
 out somethin' in a loud voice to the chap in the vig, and 
 then we all gets up in a krowd, and walks after 'im 
 thro' the door. 
 
 " Where are we off to now ?" ses I to the fat gent. 
 
 " To the bar of the other 'ouse," ses he. 
 
 " Not a bit too soon either," ses I, " I'm reg'lar dry, 
 and I dessay a drop o' sum thin' short wouldn't do you 
 no harm." 
 
 With that he gives a sort o' 'arf groan, and sed 
 sumthin' about demokrisy and ruin o' the konstitoo- 
 shun. 
 
 " O, nonsense," I ses, heartenin' 'im hup, " I've 
 known it cure the toothake, and I'll bak that gives a 
 feller more twitches than ever demokrisy will or any 
 other complaint. Come on." 
 
 At last we got to the other 'ouse. I've seen a good 
 many pretty places in my time, but I never see the 
 
A NIGHT IN PARLIAMENT. 31 
 
 match o' that site. Talk of transfurmashun scenes, 
 talk of hanythink, it was nothink to it. The place 
 was one mass o' carvins o' lions, and unikorns, and 
 gold hembroiders, and Turkey carpits, and pictures, and 
 Russia leather, and beautiful ladies, dressed better than 
 fairies, black velvets, and furs, and blue, and purple, 
 and yaller, and dusted all over with dimonds. An' all 
 the beadles was there in there red clokes, and the judge 
 as gave Bill Simmuns a twelvemonth for stealin' rabbit 
 skins. 
 
 But rite in front of us was the grandest site of all. 
 Her most gracious Majesty sittin' on a throne made out 
 of solid gold, her crown all ablaze with jewels, and the 
 Prince o' "Wales was on her rite hand, and the Princesses 
 on her left. 
 
 I'm a independent sort o' chap and I don't care a bit 
 for most people ; but when I see the Queen I felt 
 narvous-like, I must say ; and I jest ses to myself, quiet 
 like, God save the Queen, and then I stood stock 
 still. 
 
 Then up stood a great sort o' party and said the 
 Queen had commarnded 'im to read her speech in her 
 own words, and he began one o' the nicest things as 
 ever I heerd, bringin' in everythink, all about Americky 
 and the kattle pleg, and Noo Zeland, and Horstrier, 
 and Africky, and Spain, and Japan, till I felt what a 
 mighty powerful kountry ourn must be to ha' wopped 
 all them, and I says to myself Rule Britannier three 
 times three. 
 
 When we got back agin, who should I see but a deaf 
 feller as I met at the major's that nite in Belgrave- 
 square. He stared with his hise wide open at seein 
 me, and we shook 'ands. 
 
 " Are yer in hopposition, Mr. De Weer ?" ses he. 
 
 " Not I," I ses, " I aint in oppersition to nobody. I 
 think hall passed off very 'appy an' comfortabl', con- 
 sidering. I 'ad a bit of a scuffle with a feller as trod on 
 my toe, but nothin' to speke of." 
 
32 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 " "Wat's yer hopinion o' the state o' the kotton this 
 yere ?" ses he. 
 
 " Rubbish/' I ses, " yer kant git a button to 'old on, 
 and them 'apenny reels is pretty nigh all wood." We 
 'ad a bit of a walk houtside, though I don't believe he 
 heerd harf o' what I said when I spoke to 'im. At larst 
 we kura in agin together, and sit down pretty nigh in 
 the same place. 
 
 Then hup jumps one atter another, and rattles away 
 with notices o' what they was going to do, tryin' to 
 frighten the chap in the vig, I fancy, but he took it all 
 as quiet as a lam', and seemed to be o' my way o' 
 thinkin', that they'd better do it insted o' makin' sich an 
 everlastin' tork about the thing. Then they begins 
 torkin' about the speech, and one on 'em hopposite got 
 hup and begun praisin' it sky eye, and makin' hout as 
 tho' he'd heerd a good many, but ne'er a one as he 
 took sich a vilent fansy to as this heer. 
 
 And another one, dressed like a sojer, follered exackly 
 in 'is wake, and sed pretty near the same things all 
 over agin, makin' out as he was thorough nutty on it, 
 too. 
 
 But blessed if most o' the fellers on our side didn't 
 look as plesunt as table-beer in a thunder-storm, and 
 many on 'em as 'ad pretendid to be wery quiet and 
 grateful-like when they was in the other room before 
 the Queen was turncoats now, and begun peggin' away 
 at the speech a good 'un. Not a single thing was rite 
 for 'em, but they seemed to be riled about the kattle 
 pleg wust of all. 
 
 " Wot's your opinyun o' the speech ?" says the deaf 
 chap to me. 
 
 " I think it remarkable well put together," ses I, 
 " and I don't see the good o' all this bother about it, for 
 it's werry likely in print by now, and karn't be haltered." 
 But, bless yer, he never heerd me, he was too busy 
 bobbin' hup an' down and lookin' at the man in the vig 
 as if he was askin' leaf to speak. 
 
A NIGHT IN PARLIAMENT. 33 
 
 " One 'ud think you was settin' on a pen, hold 
 kovey," ses I. 
 
 "Of korse," he ses, passionate, "one wood ha' 
 thought they'd ha' set up pens an' purvided more katle 
 hinspectors at the public expense," he ses. " But, wot 
 'ave they dun ? jest nothing at all. Fve privitly tried 
 many things myself," he says, " and I dessay you 'ave, 
 an' I should be glad to 'eer wit h wot suksess." " Well," 
 I ses, " I've washed a beest I 'ad all hover with baccy 
 water, and, beyond the smellin' a little an' itchin' a bit, 
 he's jest as good hevery way as hever he was, or as yoo 
 might be now." I didn't tell 'im it vos Neddy the 
 moke. 
 
 Presently, up he jumps, an' lets fly at them hopposite 
 right an' left. " Wot 'ave the Government bin doin' ?" 
 ses he ; "why, goin' to sleep. Why wasn't the kows 
 as felt quarmish-like made to sleep in seperit beds by 
 theirselves, and wot must ha' bin the feelins o' the bulls, 
 or the ownurs (I forgit wich) wen they see risin' young 
 families o' karves droppin' off by the dozen like a 
 charity school with the meesles ? Wot," ses he, " 'as 
 been the hadvice tendered by Government in this grate 
 emergency ? 'Ave they lade the propper remedies 
 before the kountry, much less hinforced there adopshun ? 
 Owners o' stok," savs he, " ha' bin obligated to dewise 
 remedies for theirselves. A 'onorable feller on my 
 rite," ses he (meanin' me), " a large owner, I beleev, o' 
 werry valuable stok, 'as jest hinformed me that he tride 
 a very simple remmedy, tabakky water, and with this 
 spared the life o' one o' his most valuable beests. Wos 
 that plan rekummended in the Goverment progrim ? 
 No. Wot mite 'a bin the konsequence to that 'onorable 
 feller (meanin' me agin) if he'd wated till the Goverment 
 took akshun in the matter ?" (and a lot more on it). 
 
 Then they all let one another 'ave it ding dong — 
 'ammer an' tongs, o' both sides — till I felt clean tired 
 out o' listenin' to their squabblin', and puts my 'at on 
 to walk hout. I see some on 'em larfin', but I didn't 
 
34 
 
 MR. SPROUTS HIS OIINIOISS. 
 
 think it was at me, till a sort o' Jak in orfis taps me on 
 the sholeder, and, ses he, " 'Ave the goodness to remove 
 yer 'at." 
 
 " Wot for ?" ses I ; " them other chaps 'as got on 
 theirn. I s'pose you wants sixpense for yerself," I 
 ses, " but I can tell yer that ain't the way to get it out 
 o' me ;" and, with that, I tooled out o' the crib in a 
 huff. " Well," ses I to myself, " I'm glad I see it all, 
 but it's a long time afore yer ketches me yereabouts agin. 
 There's a debatin' club a Toosdays at our public as ud 
 wop yer all 'oiler for gab, and it haint sich dry work 
 either, for them as don't like the talkin' listen to a 
 song, and the waiter kums in for horders arfter every 
 speech." 
 
 I jest got back in time to bail Betsy out for assaultin' 
 the coaly 's wife. She's a rare un for enjoyin' of herself 
 at holiday times, and wen I thort 'ow miserable I'd 
 spent the day, I wished I'd bin with her too. 
 
 ./ 
 
 ON THE BEAUTIFUL. 
 
 "pVERY spring time I 'as things done up a bit for 
 the summer, when the racis and sich like kums 
 off, and we goes out to enjoy ourselves ; and this yeer, 
 as things looks so uncommon plesunt, I begins rayther 
 erlier. I 'ad the best barrer painted up, a butiful ski 
 bloo for the body, and all the spokes o' the weels yaller 
 and red by turns, so as yer don't fancy when yure 
 sittin' in it as if yer was goin' to be beried like them 
 miserable black brooms as the gentlefokes is shut up in. 
 Besides this, I bort too butiful rosets to deklarate the 
 donkey's hed with, wich he looked quite fine to be'old,. 
 and I ad him clipped an' sinjed. 
 
 So, as we was a sittin' together the other evenin', I 
 looks up to the old lady, and I ses, ses I, " the wehicle 
 
ON THE BEAUTIFUL. 35 
 
 an' the kwadrooped looks uncommon pretty, Betsy, and 
 if yer like, I don't say as I wont drive yer down to 
 'Ampton Kort to-morrer." 
 
 It han't orten as she don't arnser wen I speak to 'er. 
 Howsumever, she was so bizzy readin' the paper she 
 didn't say a word ; and it han't orfen as she reads either, 
 so thinks I, it don't signifi, I'll let 'er improve 'er mind, 
 and she shan't be mislested by me, 
 
 I was jest fillin' anuther pipe o' baccy, when she 
 bursted out all of a sudden, an' ses she, " Oh, Joe !" 
 " Who's 'it yer now ?" ses I. 
 
 " Oh," ses she, " did yer ever heer anythink like this 
 'ere advertizement," and then she begins to rede, " Buty ! 
 Buty ! Buty ! important to feemales o' the sorfter sex. 
 Proiessur Spagley, havin' devoted 'is lite to the study o' 
 the sekret arcades o' natur, butifies the nobility, gentri, 
 and the publik for two pun' ten, or seven an' sixpense a 
 bottl'. Rinkles removed and eyes enlarged very mode- 
 rit with the elarstik enamil. The barm o' Mesopotamier 
 makes the holdest pusson as lissum as Heeb, the God- 
 dess o' Buty, removes crow's fete in wun nite, and 
 kivers the bald skalp o' hage with flowin' loks o' gold." 
 
 " Ah," ses I, " that's a mitey pennurth o' nothin' ain't 
 it?" — "Oh," she ses, "it must be troo," ses she 
 " Here's the letters from the gentry. 
 
 " < T :timoneys. 
 
 « < Slapdash 'All. 
 a c Sir, — My korns feels uncommon kumfortabl' since yer 
 took em orfF with yer galvanised medikal, an I ope I shall 
 soon 'ave sum more. — Your 'umble servt., 
 
 " « The Marius o' Slapdash/ 
 
 "'The Bloo Anker. 
 " * Sir, — Avin' washed my nose with the mixter last week, 
 I'm 'appy to tell yer its kum strait agin ; and, as Im goin' to 
 be married to a nobleman in Poland, I should be glad if yer'd 
 kum an' giv me awa' and reseev the thanks of vours, 
 
 " ■ ClARLR CUTTYFISH.' 
 
36 
 
 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " « South Afriky, April 1st. 
 « < Sir, — Plees to send anuther too boxis o' your dentifris : 
 the larst I took 'as made my rite hyebrow quite bushey ; also 
 a quart o' pimpl' eradikatur, wich does wunders with the 
 blaks. Anybody doutin' the trooth o' this will please favur 
 me with a kail. — Yourn in haste, 
 « < Purfessur Spagley.' " " t A. Mugman. 
 
 " O," ses she, " ain't it wonderful ? I'd jest give the 
 world to tri it afore we goes to 'Ampton Kort." " Git 
 out," I ses, " yer old stoopid. What do you want to 
 look butiful for at yure time of life ?" 
 
 " That's rite," ses she, breakin' out a crying, " Deni 
 me hevery little pleshur, Joe," ses she, " Don't take no 
 pride in me as is yer lorful wife an' the mother o' yer 
 children, but give yer hart to sinjeing the donkey and 
 paintin' up the barrer instid." 
 
 " Well," I ses, " youre good enufffor me anyhow as 
 yer are." 
 
 " Good enuff," ses she, gushin' afresh. " If you'd 
 got the pride of a man in yer, yer wouldn't kiver up 
 Neddi with them there rosets an' leev me nothin', as if 
 yer thort I was a animal, You can wear your green 
 saten veskit an' red velvit kap like any gentleman," ses 
 she, " but, ow am I to look like the ladis if I don't put on 
 a bit of paint ?" Well, I'm never much of a wun for 
 argifyin' with wimmen, for why ? Bekos ven you've 
 pinned 'em up in a korner vith a long wurd they busts 
 out cryin' an' you're oblijed to let 'em go agin. So I ses, 
 savij like, ses I, " Wat is it yer want ?" " Why," she 
 ses, " deer, if you'd jest go and see the Purfessor an' 
 by a pot or too o' paint yer mite do me up a bit, an' I 
 shood be dry as soon as the barrer, an' then we can all 
 go out respectabl' together." 
 
 Yer wouldn't beleev I was sich a fool, but I am ; for 
 the very next mornin' I goes over to Purfessur Spagley 
 an' takes a sak vith me for the paints an' brushis. 
 
 Wat puffeck gentlemen barbers is ! See 'em wen yer 
 
ON THE BEA UTIFUL. 37 
 
 will yer finds their 'air iled, and pretty nigh all their 
 wurds is in fore synables, an' hends with a hen. 
 
 Wen I got to the shop I sees a orful long chap as 'ad 
 got one o' the prettiest little 'eds ; you could a most ha' 
 put it in a kwart pot. His hye an' his nekti was bloo ; 
 likewise he 'ad a dubble-brested weskit with kuffs an' a 
 pair o' pumps ; also wearin' a thick chane. 
 
 Wen he sees me he dubbles hisself up like a krimped 
 kod fish, and, ses he, " Ave the kompleshure to be 
 seted, sir," he ses ; " what a salubrus day." 
 
 ** Rayther windy," ses I. 
 
 u Yes," ses he, " As I observed yesterday, when I 
 was retirin' to rest, it'll be a fearful nite for them as is 
 exposed to the riggers o' the storm." 
 
 I see I warn't a bit o' good with im at fine talk, so I 
 ses, "I got a bit of a tittivatin' job on, guvner, and I 
 heers as 'ow you sells the paints." 
 
 " Yes," he ses, " I vends the pigments," ses he. 
 
 " Oh, it ain't a pig," I ses, " it's a feemale, I ses, a 
 relashun o' mine," for 'anged if I liked to say it was my 
 wife. 
 
 " Describe the simkins," ses he, jest like a doktor, 
 " and I'll priscribe." 
 
 " Well," ses I, " she han't no buty, to begin with." 
 
 " Buty's only flour," ses he, " but on the cheek o* 
 woman its flour in the rite plase. 
 
 " Is 'er 'air strong ?" he ses. 
 
 "Well," I ses, "it's rather bitty. She brakes a 
 kome twise a week wen she dus it up." 
 
 " Is there any baldness ?" ses he. 
 
 " A little on the top," I ses, "for she amooses 'erself 
 in karryin' a baskit full o' froot, jest for fun," I ses, 
 u sometimes," for I didn't like to tell 'im wot we was. 
 
 " O," he ses, "it han't the froot as brings it orff; its 
 freenolledgey." 
 
 u It carnt be that," I pops out, without thinkin', 
 "for we don't sel it." 
 
 " I mean the orgins," he ses. 
 
38 MR SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 
 u Well," ses I, " IVe heerd o' orgins playin' their- 
 selves out o' wind, but I never heerd o' one playin' the 
 'air off nobody's 'ed afore." 
 
 "I don't mene the Italyun orgins," he ses, "but the 
 orgins o' science. The 'eds full o' kumpartments, as 
 'olds the feelings o' the hart, and wen yer ovurwurks 
 one on 'em," ses he, " the 'air falls off." 
 
 u Ah," I ses, "jest as a notty bit o' string in a 
 donkey's arniss 11 rub 'is bak as klene as a wissel in no 
 time," ses I. 
 
 " Exackly ; you're used a 'omely illusterashun, but it 
 affords a satisfaktry ilusidashun," ses he, smilin'. " Wot's 
 the shape of her 'ed ?" ses he. 
 
 " Well," I ses, " she's got a oblong sort o' nob, like 
 a kidney pertater." 
 
 " 'As she got any scars on her face ?" 
 
 " Nothin' to speke of," I ses ; " there's a bit of 
 a wun on the bridge of 'er nose, but it han't very 
 long." 
 
 " What's 'er eyebrow like ?" he ses next. 
 
 " Like the bak of a herrin'," ses I, " rayther skraggy." 
 
 " Ah," he ses, " we'll soon set that to rites. A 
 puffect eyebrow," ses he, " should emyerlate the arch 
 o' the rainbo, and, wen it don't," ses he, " yer must 
 touch up the brakes in it with this heer till yer makes it. 
 
 " Is she a bland or a brownett ?" ses he 
 
 " Wat d'ye mean ?" ses I. 
 
 " Is she dark or fare ?" ses he. 
 
 " Rayther smoky," ses I. 
 
 Arter he'd put all this down, he fetches a lot o* little 
 bottles, and puts 'em down on the kounter. 
 
 " This heer," ses he, " is the barm of Mesopotamier 
 for applyin' nite and mornin' to the orgin o' poetrie, 
 where I fancis, from the description, the 'air falls orff. 
 Kiver hup the dekliverties in the face with the elarstik 
 pigment, an' use the tinkter o' iodin' for the vissij 
 accordin' to taste ; then put the likwid rooje on the tips 
 o' the elburs, nukkles, and finger nales." 
 
ON TEE BEAUTIFUL. 39 
 
 " She han't got no nales to put em on," ses I. 
 
 " In that kase, let 'er ware these ere nale shields as 
 'ill make em grow like filburts in a week," ses he, " and 
 put sum o' this eje opener under the optic, and that 'ill 
 make her like one o' the armond-hied butis o' Circassher 
 And these pills," he ses, " is for korns and poreness o' 
 blood," 
 
 " 'Ave yer got any think for poreniss o' sperrit ?" I 
 ses, " cause I'll take a bottle." 
 
 " Oh, that's dun," says he, " by the kultivashun o' 
 rectitude." 
 
 " What's the figger o' the wash for that ?" I ses. 
 
 "Oh," ses he, "yer gits that by revellin' in the 
 delites o' luvly landskapes, chased forms, and gorjus 
 senes, an' by readin' the Book of Etikwet. As the 
 disiplin proseeds, and yer usis one or two bottles o' the 
 wash, ugliness and wulgarity leaves the fase like a 
 shadder as was but ain't, and she'll git as 'andsum as 
 Kubit, the God o' War." 
 
 With that I puts the things in the sak, and ses I — 
 
 " Good-bye, purfessur," and left the shop. 
 
 When I got 'ome Betsy was a expectin' of me as 
 impashunt as a eel waitin' to be skinned, and I 'ardly 
 got in afore she ses — 
 
 " Now then, Joe, I'm kwite reddy. Let's begin." 
 
 "Well,'' says I, the fust thing I ses is, "What d'ye 
 want to be — a bland or a brownett ?" 
 
 " Oh, a bland, Joe," she ses, " that's wite, ain't it ? 
 and it'll look so preety aside o' the bloo o' the barrer." 
 
 " All rite," I ses, " then swaller that nite and mornin', 
 and she bolted a thimbleful o' the elarstik pigskin. 
 
 "Why," ses she, "it tastis for all the world like 
 permatum." 
 
 "Well, all medsin tastes like permatum, don't it?" 
 ses I. "If it was nice it wouldn't do yer no good." 
 
 "Now," ses I, "this ere pigment's to be rubbed on 
 the orgin ot poetre ; but you must do it yerself," ses I, 
 " for blest if I han't tired o' the whole thing." 
 
40 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 Well, she went awa for a long time, and by-and-by 
 she kum out o' the room, looking wun o' the most 
 orful old kures I ever see. Her cheek was like a half- 
 biled puddin' as had been drop'd in rarsbry jam. Her 
 eye was as streaky as a wild Injin in a karawan. As 
 for 'er forrid it was all eyebrow, an' 'er nose was redder 
 than ever. 
 
 u Don't I look nise, Joe?" she ses. 
 
 "Wy, yer old hidjut," ses I, "go an* git yerself 
 biled, afore it all sinks in." 
 
 " Well," ses she, pettish, " if I warnt in a hurry to 
 git out, blessed if I wouldn't sit down an' kry. 'Ow 
 you tork. I feels a little stikky ; but I never see such 
 a alterashun as it makes in all my life." 
 
 The barrer was waitin', so I took 'er out, and d'rekly 
 Neddy see 'er he give a reg'lar larf in 'is nosebag. How- 
 sumever, off we druv, the old woman bobbing at the 
 pep'l on all sides like a lady ; and them skeerin' at us 
 till I felt that sort of tiklin', creeping feelin' I alius 
 has when I'm ashamed. 
 
 " Joe," ses Betsy, " I'm kumin over orful quarmish. 
 I 'ope that pigment was the rite stuff. I feels like a 
 pysoned beadle." 
 
 I thort we should ha' got out on it all right, wen jest 
 as we turned the korner into the 'igh road a boy twigged 
 us, and give us a chyhike. 
 
 "Wy," he ses, " 'ere's Mrs. Sprouts as got the 
 meesles, and is going to be vaksinated." 
 
 With that the warmint follered us, an' began peltin' 
 the barrer, and all the busseys twigged us, too, and 
 begun throwin' their jeers out, till I felt as mad as a 
 hatter, and the old lady begins to kri, and jest at that 
 time the donkey got out o' temper, an' puts 'is leg down 
 a plug-'ole, and rolls us all over in the mud. 
 
 As soon as Betsy got up, wot with the teers and the 
 mud and the warnish, she looked for all the world like 
 a second-'and ile paintin' as 'ad got in the rain for 
 4s. 6d., and I was that wild as I was 'ardly sorry for 'er 
 
THE DERBY DAY. 41 
 
 at all, so I lifts up Neddy, and 'elps 'er into the shay, 
 and givin' her the ranes, ses I — 
 
 u Jist drive yerself 'ome yerself," ses I, "for yer 
 don't make a fool o' me no more." 
 
 When I got ome agin at nite she was all rite, an' she 
 wanted me to bring a akshun agin the purfessur, but 
 ses I — 
 
 " I've 'ad enuff o' portrit paintin' an' purfessurs this 
 jurney, and don't let's never meddle with either on 'em 
 no more." 
 
 THE DERBY DAY. 
 
 HpHE wust of a large bizness like ourn is you always 
 -*- must leave some risponsible pusson to look after 
 it. Our donkey is a most intelligent creetur, but he 
 can't give change ; and the consekuence is that either 
 me or Mrs. Sprouts is bound to be in his company when 
 he goes his rounds in the mornin'. We left him once 
 in the care of one of our artikled pupils, a youth of 
 eleven summers, while we went to a flour show ; but 
 wen we come to ballinse up our accounts next day we 
 found ourselves aktilly out o' pockit ; for the little 
 stoopid hadn't made the least use of the bit of lead 
 underneath the tater skales, and he'd used the rong 
 meshure with the plums, treating the kwart pot with 
 the false bottom to it with the utmost disdane, jest as if 
 it was a thing of nort. 
 
 So we was obliged to settle it that I should go to the 
 Darby by myself — leastways, that Betsy should stay at 
 home, and that she should 'ave her enjoyment on the 
 Oaks Day, which is more sootable for the fair sect. 
 There vos a small party of mails as had made up their 
 minds to go along with me. First, there was young 
 Snapper, my dawter's lovyer, or flanky as they calls 
 'em in furrin parts abroad. He's the sixth she's had 
 
42 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 I 
 
 vithin three months — (the huming hart is a ticklish 
 thing) — but, as they've managed to keep together for 
 over tour Sundays runnin', I'm in 'opes I shall vun day 
 be abel to clarsp him to my bozum and call him sun. 
 By natur he's a hare-dresser, but charnce has made him 
 a spekkylatur in turfs, for, havin' once vun seventeen 
 and sixpence by takin' the odds, he has gone on in- 
 vestin' the best part ot his wages and losin' it with 
 grate reggylarity ever since ; and what with readin' of 
 the prophets, and hangin' about publick-house dores, 
 he's alius brimfull of informashun, and has the very 
 best tips, though he generally manijes to get hold of the 
 wust horses. As for judgin' of a animal, he's as simpel 
 as a child ; but his mouth's full o' sich big turms as 
 "butiful akshun," " slopin' hind kwarters," " want ot 
 form," & cettery, as he flings about very free ; and it 
 he ain't able to gammon others he's always able to make 
 a tolerably reasonable sort of donkey of hisself. 
 
 Then there was Hair Schmorkoal, a grate perlitekal 
 refugee from Jarmany, as lodgis in our bak attik tem- 
 porary till the next revylution restores him his paturnal 
 istates. Not vishin' to be idel in the meantime, he's 
 taken to the sugar-bakin', for he sez if he didn't give 
 his mind to sum absorbin' branch o' study, it 'ud go 
 madd in thinkin' of his murdered parent as was a count. 
 He's got rather big thumbs for the son of a nobleman, 
 but in everything else he's pufFeck. When he ain't 
 smokin' he's argefyin' with us to prove how much better 
 and more knowin' his countrymen is than ourn ; and 
 though he's rather extravagant in baccy, and carries a 
 pockit-komb, he stints hisself wonderful in sope and 
 sich-like amusements of a luxurius age. 
 
 So, at about nine o'clock on the Wensday morning 
 we was all packed in the van and reddy to start from 
 the rag-shop dore. Our vehicle was a pretty thing 
 called the " Littel John," painted in yaller on the panils, 
 as was covered with picters of hosses, and cyphers, and 
 monnygrams, and other wild animals. Me and my 
 
THE DERBY DAY. 43 
 
 f rends, along with other darin' sperrits, climbed up the 
 ladder and took our seats on the roof, and the tale-bord 
 was occypide with two trumpits, a kettel-drum, and a 
 floot, so as the harmony shouldn't friten the horses, and 
 also that the village peasantry as heerd us a comin' 
 might fancy the music was more onairthly through not 
 bein' abel to see the performers. 
 
 " Strike up, Joe," sez the driver, parsin' the wurd to 
 the leader of the orchestry as he mounted the box ; 
 and then, with a vild chear from the children, we 
 started off to the toon of " The Light of Other 
 Daze," and I never see so menny nitecaps and kullered 
 hankechers wavin' from the windies in my life before. 
 
 The fust four or five miles was rather a struggle foi 
 the cornit, as had only one lung, espeshally in placis 
 where the roads wanted mendin', vich made him giv the 
 toon rather more wobbly than it is in natur' ; but when 
 we got about as far as Clapham he got a good steddy 
 blow on, and kep it up rite away to the korse, to the 
 grate delite of all the hosses we met, for they darnced 
 frekwently with pleasure, partickler in the narrer bits ot 
 the road. 
 
 On first gettin' into the wan, bein' most on us 
 strangers, we treated vun anuther with maidenly reserve-, 
 but under the influence of the musik, and two or three 
 stoppages to inspect public buildins in the towns of 
 Balham, Tootin', and Mitcham, our conversashun got 
 very sparkling and soon nothin' but hairy jests, bon 
 motes, and slices of kold pork, and cettery, was flying 
 about from vun to the other. 
 
 Jest as we got into Sutton, old Tootle, the leader of 
 our band, stops short in the middel of a flourish, and 
 sez 'e to Blowhard, the cornit, " Heer, stop a bit ; 
 what d'yer mean by that noise ?" he sez ; " I hope yer 
 don't mean to call that infernal croakin' the second part 
 of ' Johnny Kums Marchin' Home !' " 
 
 " Bless my life," sez Blowhard, " I thort you oi dered 
 1 Avay vith Melankolly ;' " but he set hisself rite \n a 
 
44 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 hinstant, and blew us avay in fine style through Sutton 
 and rite up to Epsom, vithout stoppin' any more till ve 
 come in site of the Grand Stand. When we had got 
 the horses out, and the wehicle properly jammed in near 
 two butiful car ridges filled with ladies and gentlemen, 
 we sit down to our 'umbel reparst. The music was at 
 peace, and soon no other sound was heerd but the 
 clatterin' of knives and phawks and the pickin' of bones, 
 mingled with the occashional boomin' of a bung out of 
 a stone bottel and low murmurs of "parse the sarlt." 
 Hair Schmorkoal, after runnin' down the English 
 cookery, performed with grate feelin' on some cold 
 stake pie, but Snapper het sparin' of his vittles for the 
 sake of keepin' his hed kool for the bettin' transaktions, 
 wich seemed to be a stupid vay of comin' out to enjoy 
 yerself by turnin' a holiday into all the anxieties of 
 bizniss. 
 
 " Now then, boys," I sez, as soon as dinner was 
 over ; " who's for a walk through the tents and over 
 the korse ?" 
 
 "I'll go," sez Schmorkoal; "your ground is not so 
 pretty as ours in Lippy Lumbago, and your gipsies don't 
 appear to be so brown ; but I will go to look at dem 
 wit' much pleasure in spite of dat." 
 
 " I sharn't," sez Snapper; "I'm a goin' off to larn 
 the state of the markit at the bak of the Grand Stand. 
 I've got a fust-rate thing for the Town Plate," he sez, 
 wisperin' to me, " Attachy, a splendid creetur — wonder- 
 ful action. I've had it direct from a friend o' mine at 
 headquarters as supplies the stabel with beans. He 
 must win, Mr. Sprouts," he sez, showin' me eighteen 
 shillings, "and before nite comes I means to turn this 
 into fifty pound." 
 
 So me and Mr. Schmorkoal started off to see the 
 kustoms o' the country together. The fust thing I 
 showed him was the sticks stuk uprite in baskits of sand 
 and kivered with valyable property. He sed the sand in 
 their country was better ; 'owsumever, he would have a 
 
THE DERBY DAY. 45 
 
 throw; and arter he'd sent eighteen pennurth o' sticks 
 flyin' through the air he got two koker nuts and a 
 bodkin-case. He wosn't kwite so lucky in his rifle 
 practis, for he fired away two and thrippence at a 
 speckled targit box before he hit the spring in the 
 middle, and wen he did up floo the lid, and out bobbed 
 one of the rummiest little shaggy-headed dolls I ever 
 see, vith a big horsehair-beard and a little turn-up nose, 
 about the size of a pimple. 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha," sez Schmorkoal, larfin', " vot do you 
 call the name of dis funny little fellow ?" 
 
 "I dunno," sez the man, very innersent; "he looks 
 more like one o' them Jarman refugee villins than any- 
 thing I ever clapped eyes on." 
 
 "You tief," screamed Schmorkoal; "you are von 
 horse doctor. I am a natif of Lippy Lumbago; vot 
 mean you by insult my kountry ?" 
 
 Fearin' bloodshed, I drew him gently away, and per- 
 posed a gallop on the downs to ristore his sperrits. 
 'Avin' found two lively donkeys, we vos soon scourin' 
 along swifter than the vind, but in attemptin' to show 
 me how they cleared stone vails in the German ridin'- 
 schools he cum to grief clean in the middel of a furze 
 bush, and ven I pulled him up agin he set to bullyin' 
 our donkeys for bein' thawtless creeturs of impulse, and 
 sed our bushes was ten times more spiteful and prickly 
 than them in his own country. 
 
 By this time the fust race was over, and I started off 
 to see how Snapper was gettin' on at the other side of 
 the korse ; but before I left Schmorkoal I give him 
 particular instrukshuns to keep his wether eye watchful. 
 
 Ven I got into that miserabl' narrer lane where some 
 o' them bet tin' book-makers has their stand, I never 
 see such a roarin' and strugglin' or so many retchid 
 facis krouded together in my life before. It was a 
 wonderful change, after leavin' the korse vere people 
 seemed a larfin' and enjoyin' of themselves, to kum to 
 this den, and behold a lot o' greasy-hatted, shabby- 
 
46 MR. SPROUTS HIS 0P1M0NS. 
 
 lookin' kreeturs as looked as if they didn't git a bit o* 
 dinner more than once a month, all a runnin' up and 
 down and starin' at their bettin' lists, as if they was 
 ordurs ior their execution. At larst I see Snapper 
 standin' very glum and spooney up in a korner. 
 " Well," I sez, coming up lively, " howVe yer got on ?" 
 
 " Got on," he sez, " nohow ; but its alwis the way. 
 I had the very best informashun, but fortin's agin me. 
 But," he sez, " what a lucky thing it is I've heerd of a 
 certainty for the Derby ; I shall pull up on that race, 
 Mr. Sprouts. Magnificent form, splendid sholeders ; 
 Knapsack is sartin for a place, for I got the informashun 
 from a triend of mine as married the fust cuzzen ot the 
 bootcloser what stitched the upper leather ot the jockey's 
 boots ;" and as I heerd the bell a ringing to klear the 
 korse for the grand race, I left him a postin' of the rest 
 oi his money at one ot the wooden stands. 
 
 When I got to the top of the hill agin I found pore 
 Schmorkoal a tearin' of his 'air. It appeared that after 
 I went away a feller kum up to him as begun by tor kin' 
 about the buty of the weather, and wound up by 
 bringin' out three kards, and after giving 'em a bit oi a 
 shuffle arskin' Schmorkoal if he could tell which was 
 the ace. The first few times he was very lucky, and 
 two or three people as sidled up very promiskus kep 
 advisin' him to go on ; then he put a silver watch for 
 the next stakes, and while he was lookin' at the kards 
 somebody sings out " Bonnit," and his hat went over 
 his eyes, and when he pulled it up again his watch was 
 gone, and so was the "intelligent natives." 
 
 I cheered him up as well as I could, for the bell was 
 ringin' to clear the korse for the grate race, and we 
 walked over to see the start. Presently we heard a 
 buzzin' on the rite, and lookin' round, the paddick was 
 dotted with the rainbow kullers of the jockeys' uniforms, 
 and one by one the butif ul sleek kreeturs of hosses come 
 trippin' over the velvit grass to the startin' post, all a 
 starin' at yer proud and shy-like with their large shinin* 
 
THE DERBY DAY. 47 
 
 eyes, and a tremblin' with life and fire like a seventeen- 
 year-old gal danism' her first polker ; yes, there they 
 vos, hosses and men, sleek and clean, not a buckle or a 
 button more than was wanted about 'em, puficct so far 
 as the body goes. Lord, atcer a year in toun amongst 
 broken-doun donkeys and old spavined cab quadrupids 
 — not to speak of the dubbled-up fellers as mostly 
 drives 'em — and, above all, arter the sailer faces, spider 
 legs, and bibel baks shufflin' up and doun them bettin' 
 tents, it was a site as giv yer sum sort o' faith in natur 
 agin, coming as it did along with the nutty smell oi the 
 fresh breezes and the glimps of the purpel fields 
 stretchin' far away in the distance, in a manner o' 
 speakin' right up to the edge oi' heaven. 
 
 Now we all held our breths, and presently off some 
 on 'em started, and the earth shivered underneath us ; 
 but it wouldn't do, and they had to toe the scratch agin. 
 
 Then each man picked out his favourit hoss and 
 called to the jockeys to take care of 'em, and ever so 
 many more foolish things ; for, yer see, some of the 
 porest on us had a year's hard savings hangin' upon 
 this race. 
 
 Then they startid agin, and faled agin, and got back 
 once agin to the startin' post. 
 
 Then at larst they all went ofi in a cluster, and the 
 flag went down, and there was one grate shout from 
 thousands oi lips, some on 'em as begun to look already 
 as if they'd 'ave to be moisened with a drop of kold 
 water ; and then we all broke up and run like a hundred 
 pack oi hounds to the top of the hill opperzite to the 
 winnin' post. 
 
 I shall never forgit that site. Rite away, as far as 
 yer eye 'ud take yer, the ground was kivered with people, 
 as if it had bin rainin' blak pepper for a fortnite. You 
 could see little blak things hangin' on the tree branches, 
 and you noo they was men, and all the sharpers even 
 was standin' on their narrer stools, and in a manner o' 
 speakin' turned men too, for jest for a few moments 
 
48 MR. SPROUTS BIS OPINIONS. 
 
 I 
 
 they'd manijed to forgit theirselves. There wasn't a 
 crack of rifle firm', for every tout and cadger was 
 standin at the dore of his tent. There wasn't a sound 
 of anythink, for the hosses hadn't nicely come in site ; 
 but you noo that in every livin' soul, up to the feller 
 sittin' within eighteen inches of the chimney-pots on the 
 Grand Stand, there was a pot a bubblin' and a biling 
 over with worrit and care and expektashun. 
 
 Then I dashed over almost d'rekly opperzite to the 
 Grand Stand to see the finish. 
 
 And then the people right in the far away begun to 
 make a noise. Fust it was a holler, brazen, metally 
 sort o' sound, like the noise of a thousand hammermen 
 tappin' rivets in the iron sides of a man-of-war, and as 
 we turned our facis and see the red and bloo and green 
 and yaller of the jockeys' kotes bearin' doun on us as 
 swift as streaks of kullered lightnin', it swelled into the 
 loud roar and bayin' of thousands of excited men, vich 
 is like nothin' else in natur but itself. 
 
 And now they kum plump upon us. Bribery colt 
 jest a little bit ahead of Lord Lyon, and his jockey 
 givin' the most horrid look of fear and trubble over his 
 sholeder at the fav'rit, as yew don't orfen see in these 
 kwiet times. 
 
 But it was no use. In another sekond Custance mite 
 ha' looked over his sholeder at Bribery's jockey, for in 
 one or two terrible strides Lord Lyon landed hisself the 
 winner of the Derby of 1 866. 
 
 I was jest singing out " hooray," and flingin' up my 
 kap, when I see Knapsack valkin' in larst among a lot 
 of others as seemed to be a talkin' together, nose to 
 nose, as much as to say they thort it foolishness of Lyon 
 to put himself in sich an everlastin' hurry when there 
 was plenty o' time to spare. And right away in a corner 
 was Snapper, leanin' agin the wheel of a waggin, and 
 starin' at his unlucky hoss with his face puckered up 
 in as many rinklcs as the bellows of a German con- 
 certeena. 
 
THE DERB Y DA Y 49 
 
 u Oh dear, oh dear," he sez, soon as he see me, " if 
 
 I hadn't a listened to that infernal bootmaker's advice I 
 shouldn't ha' come to this. Why didn't I do as Chalkey, 
 the milkman, sed, as never whispered any think but 
 Lyon all along ? Why was I born ? — halso, Why am 
 I livin' ? Oh, Mr. Sprouts, I had marked out a butiful 
 futur for all on us, if I had only won. I would have 
 marrid your luvly orffspring, and hevery Sunday treatid 
 the entire famerly to tea in the Veil of Helth at 'Amp- 
 stead for ninepence an 'ed." 
 
 But I'd hardly set to work to make 'im more kum- 
 furtabl' in his mind when he filled out agin like a 
 hindy-rubber windy ball with a fresh lot o' plans for 
 getting all his munny back on the Hoax. 
 
 Soon arter this we all set off homewards, Schmorkoal 
 explainin' to me, just as we was gettin' in the van, that 
 their racehorses was rayther superior to ourn bekos 
 they was better kivered up with hair about the fetloks. 
 Ve dashed off at a rattlin' pace, the musishuns playin' 
 " Farewell, thou Luvly Vally," as we left the korse. 
 The driver wore a false nose and a pair of large horse- 
 hair mustarshers, and he had not bin allowed to want 
 for refreshment during the day ; yet, notwithstandin' 
 this, he couldn't keep his axel klear of a sort of koal 
 waggon, and in backin' to free hisself he got one of his 
 wheels down a little slopin' ditch by the roadside, and 
 tilted us all into one corner like so menny saks o' 
 pertaters. Schmorkoal begun to bully the English 
 ditchis, and most on us grumbled or skreamed, except 
 the trumpeter, as kep blowin' away at the " Last Rose 
 of Summer," though his head was hangin' half under- 
 neath the tale-board. At larst we got the road agen, 
 and held it, partly by good drivin' and partly by the 
 strength of our weals, as generally kum off best in the 
 thousand nateral shoks that vans is hair to. 
 
 Ve dismountid at Sutton for the purpose of findin' 
 out whether the deservin' inhabitants of the place was 
 properly supplied vith beer ; but we had a little trubble 
 
 E 
 
50 MR. SPROUTS EIS OPINIONS. 
 
 with the driver at starting but as the drum and the floo 
 was already seatid and blowin' their enlivenin' strains 
 we at larst persuadid him to mount his box. 
 
 By the time ve got to Balham it was kwite dark, am 
 this rayther interfered vith the musik, for each on 'em 
 fell to a playin' on his own akkount. The floot took 
 up the second part of the "Prairy Flour/' while the 
 two trumpits blew " Thou Hopeless Sons of Klay," and 
 the drum chimed in vith the korus of " Paddy McGee." 
 At the same time Schmorkoal roared out a Garmin 
 song full of horrid soundin' furrin words, and the 
 driver set to cryin' on the box bekos somebody had 
 kalled him " dumpiin' hed," and he 'adn't bin abel to 
 get down and chastise him ; and somewhere about in 
 this style we was set down agin at the rag-shop dore at 
 harf-past eleven o'clock at nite, from fourteen to fifteen 
 hours arter we left it in the mornin'. 
 
 LORD MAYOR'S DAY. 
 
 ^~pHE ninth o' November is alius a great day with us ; 
 ■*- all show days is ; they kind o' give huming natur' 
 a new coatin' o' culler, and it's as if the stage of existens 
 had been reopened agin with intirely new scenery and 
 decorations. Life seems to be not so much of a battle, 
 but rather more of a triumfal march. Reason goes to 
 bed, and the feelins wakes up. All things looks meller 
 and seems to lose their nubbly points, and you feels as 
 if you wanted to forgive sumbody. The wimmen 
 makes up famerly quarrels, and has a pleasant' cry, and 
 the men take their weed together out of the same 
 baccy-box, and makes one another presints of pouches 
 and cullered pipes. It's a fust-rate day if you want to 
 git anybody to be security for a five-pound loan. 
 
 Arter me and Betsy had had brekfast, we put our 
 
LORD MAYORS DAY. 51 
 
 pretty clothes on and went and took our stand up near 
 Temple Bar. It was a nice sight: what with flags 
 a-flyin' and the youths and maidens makin' love at the 
 winders, and the brandy-ball and peppermint men, and 
 the children pourin' out of the neighbourin' courts with 
 the pleasin' persuasion on their faces that things had 
 took a new turn and there was alius a-goin' to be 
 summat to eat for dinner from this time forth. I felt 
 happy, and when suddintly we see a little bustle in the 
 distance, and heerd that holler kind o' brazen sound 
 which crowds makes when they shout, and the bells 
 begun a tollin' furious, and the mounted perleesemen 
 came in sight, and the winders begun to wave their 
 hankechers, and the back rows begun a fightin' for the 
 fust places, then we knowed his ludship was a coming 
 and sure enuff he did come, in all his glory, with his 
 brass bands and his gallant solejers and rows of firemen, 
 and warlike-lookin' watermen, and strings of footmen 
 with their hair whitewashed, and brave coaches, and 
 then more footmen and bands and solejers, and a string 
 of perleesemen last. Their is a skillington in every 
 house. 
 
 I was a makin' my way home, highly delited with my 
 day's sport, when a tall young man, without no shoes 
 on and his clothes well ventilated at the elbers and the 
 knees, rushed through the crowd at the head of half a 
 dozen others similarly ventilated, bonnetin' his feller 
 creatures with the greatest fairness ; and when he got 
 near me he give me a violent shove, which sent me agin 
 Betsy, which knocked two bugles out of her bonnit 
 and loosened her chignong; and when he had done 
 that, he give a short laff, and was about to pass on like 
 a butiful dream. 
 
 " Stop, young feller !" says I, " stop ! I won't detain 
 yer a moment," and I dragged him by his coat-tails up a 
 court and give him three very deliberate and forcible 
 hits upon his smutch of a nose. 
 
 " Why," I said to him softly, when this was done — 
 
52 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 "why will you not leave off bonnetin' and advance 
 with the sperrit of the age ?" 
 
 There was something in my woise, and, still more, 
 there was something in my manner, which seemed to 
 have touched one of his cords. He looked into my face 
 a moment with a inquirin' expression, as if he had lost 
 his way, and then his proud sperrit was broken, and he 
 burst into tears. 
 
 " I will try," he said, " I will try. Thanks for these 
 few remarks. Heaven bless you !" — and we parted. 
 One touch of nature hurts us all alike. 
 
 When I got home I found a affectionate letter invitin 
 me to the feast. " It's ridiculous to leave you out, Joe,' 
 sez the writer, " for if you ain't one of the ministers o 
 public instrucshun, who is ? So come and take 
 morsel o' reel turtle, and bring as many o' your famerly 
 as you can spare. We commences peckin' at half-pas 
 six to the minnit. — Ever thian, Anolymus." 
 
 According, in the evenin' me and Betsy druv down 
 together in a 'Ackney cab. I was in the ushel waiter' 
 garmints, bought of Brockey, but I had lost my shiney 
 boots, so I borrowed a pair which was a inch too long 
 for me, and had wadding in the toes; and she was 
 dressed like a canary, in a gound made of yaller satan, 
 and a shawl covered all over with stripes, after the 
 model of a union jack; also she wore a chignong, and 
 her hair was peppered with gold-dust. I thought she 
 looked like a Guy Fox, but I said nothink; it's no use 
 tryin' to fight a woman about her dress. 
 
 When we delighted in Guildhall-yard, and had give 
 up our hats and things, we walked into a kind o' tent 
 place fitted up with soots of armour and weppuns on 
 the walls, and two rows of infant riflemen called cadits 
 down each side of it, and they give us a millingtery 
 saloot, and we walked through into the Guildhall, a 
 feller bawlin' out our names loud enufF to make the 
 hevings fall. It was a dredful flusterin' thing. We 
 was penned up between two rows of people who was 
 
LORD MAYORS DAY. 53 
 
 waitin' to see the grand folks go by, and there was no 
 breakin' through em, or turnin' to the right or left, but 
 we had to march straight onwurd until we crossed the 
 Guildhall, and then into a long passij with busties and 
 picters at the sides, and all lined with people too; and 
 then into a antechamber, still crammed with black cotes 
 and pryin' faces ; and then sharp round to the left ; and 
 then, " O goodness gracious me," sez Betsy, and I 
 said so too. 
 
 We was in a large room, packed as close with men 
 and wimmen as Sardinians in a can, and there w r as jest 
 a narrer lane between 'em, which it was just as much as 
 severil millingtery-looking youths with wands in their 
 hands could keep it clear; and at the end of the lane 
 was three steps risin' one above another and kivered 
 with red cloth, and at the top of the steps was three 
 golden chairs, and standin' in front of the chairs was 
 the Lord Mayor and the Lady Mayoress and their 
 darter, and a male creetur with a great rosette upon his 
 breast a-bawlin' out everybody's name as soon as they 
 got to the top of the little alley. 
 
 It was a tryin' scene, for direckly your name was 
 bawled out you had to go forrard, walk up the steps, 
 make three bows to the grandees, which they made 
 three bows to you, and then parse on into another 
 room. Two pussons as walked up before us mounted 
 the scaffild fust, and when I thought of my turn 
 a comin', and havin' to walk the whole length of them 
 two rows of starin' eyes and make my bow, I begun to 
 shiver, and tried to push my way through the people at 
 the side, and hide myself in a corner ; but this didn't 
 soot Betsy's fireplace nohow, for says she, " Be a man, 
 Josef," says she ; and sez one of the millingtery fellers, 
 " You can't parse through this way, sir — you must go 
 straight on," and before I could colleck myself we was 
 right in front of the steps, and the man a bawlin' out, 
 "Mr. and Mrs Sprouts." 
 
 I dashed through my head-shakin' in a instant, and 
 
54 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 should have got off all right if the toe of my boot hadn't 
 caught the edge of one of the steps. I'd kalkilated the 
 distance butiful for the real toe, but the false one, 
 with the waddin' in it, deceived me, and nearly threw 
 me to the yearth. Howsomever, I picked myself up 
 savvij in a moment, and flew into a corner, expectin T 
 Betsy to foller ; but, bless yer, she hadn't got through 
 her first bow — she was figgerin' away in front of th< 
 Lady Mayoress, with her chignong in the air like the 
 button on the top of a flagstaff, and the whole room 
 was a titterin' and whisperin' till I felt ashamed to 
 own her. 
 
 " Who is that indiscreet fimmel?" says a old gentL 
 man, peerin' at her through his hye-glass. 
 
 " She is the property of a distinguished litera 
 character, I beleev," sez I. 
 
 " What character ?" sez he. 
 
 " Sprouts," sez I. " Have you ever read any of his 
 works ?" (For I'm not ashamed o' fishin' for compli- 
 ments when I can do it safe.) 
 
 " I tried to read one on 'em once," sez he, " but it 
 was sich awful rubbish I really couldn't get to the end." 
 
 " Thank ye," sez I ; " it's strange I never looked at 
 'em in that light before," and by this time the old lady 
 had danced up to my side, and we stood to see the 
 company arrive. 
 
 And up they come in one swift stream. Big-wigs 
 in silk stockins and knee smalls, and their trains held 
 up behind 'em ; and city wigs in fur-tipped coats and 
 cable chains o' solid gold and dymints round their necks, 
 and archdeakons in their customary soots o' solium 
 black, and Queen's Counsellors in red bedgounds with 
 black sashes round their waists ; and there was Bovill 
 with his smilin', plessunt face, and Montagu lookin' 
 prettier than ever in his solejer's dress, and ever-larfin' 
 Cairns, (what a lively time 'is nuss must have had with 
 him, to be sure !) and deputies, and masters, and 
 rhanlins, and sekkvteries, in one continyel stream, t5fl 
 
LORD MAYORS DAY. 55 
 
 I lost count on 'em, and turned my eyes away from the 
 glare of their garmints, when suddintly there was a loud 
 cry of " The Chancellor of the Exchekker," and in 
 stalked Ben, amidst a tremenjus clappin' of hands and 
 cryin 7 out " Brayvo !" 
 
 Oh the depth of that face, the eyes cast down, and 
 the corners of the mouth hidin' theirselves, as much as 
 to say — " Our master is a very 'umbel cove, and nothin' 
 distresses him so much as havin' to hole the strings of 
 the national puss." It won all harts. " Bless his 
 innersent face," says Betsy, " he looks that unsuspectin' 
 that you might trust him to hold a baby in arms." 
 
 But if Ben was deplauded the next one was vus- 
 shipped, for soon arter him the usher cries out, 
 " Epsom," and amid a pufFeck storm of claptrap old 
 Hawkeye walked in, lookin' as much as to say, " Would 
 anybody like to fight me ?" I dunno how it is, but 
 there's something in the sight of a feller in the Govern- 
 ment uniform which makes yer feel you'd much rayther 
 have a kick from him than a kiss from anybody else. 
 
 And then the whole lot stood standin' there in a 
 circle chattin' to one another, we a pressin' all around 
 'em, and in come the late Lord Mayor and jined us. 
 Alas ! alas ! I too have had my days of greatness, 
 Phillips, but 
 
 " Who is that tall and stately pusson that looks as if 
 he loved dumb animals ?" sez Betsy. 
 
 " It is Lord John, my luv, the Tory warbler," 
 sez I. 
 
 And now all the Ministers was together chattin' to 
 one another, smilin' at the Lord Mayor, and we all 
 pressin' around 'em, and as I looked on 'em smilin' 
 there, and chattin' and lookin' so mild and tender and 
 Conservatif, I fust counted 'em as a hen might count 
 her chicks to make sure as their numbers was all right, 
 and then I began to think what a dreadful loss it 'ud 
 be to England if sumbody was to suddintly enter with 
 a blankit and burke the lot on 'em, and I lnoW*H nn m- 
 
56 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 the ceilin' anxius, for in some cases sich things have 
 bin known to fall ; and then I counted em agin to be 
 quite certain, and when I'd counted 'em I turned pail as 
 the statty in Lester Square, for I'd never had sich 
 a shock in my life. 
 
 There was twelve on 'em but a moment ago, but now 
 there was thirteen, and he was a person dressed from 
 head to foot in black, and he had something behinc 
 him like the tip of a tail, and a sort of a toastin' fork at 
 his side, and he walked as if he hadn't been used to 
 wearin' boots ; and there he was, a smilin' like any other 
 Tory, and lookin' with a most fatherly I on the group 
 of Ministers before him. Where had he come from . 
 Not through the door, for he'd never bin announced 
 and not from the ceilin' either, for I was watchin' that 
 Where could he ha' come from ? 
 
 " Lor' bless us, Josef," sez Betsy, " who is tha 
 dreadful individuel ?" (She is gettin' very fine in he 
 words now.) 
 
 "•He is not an individuel, my dear," sez I, glocsny, 
 " or else I should ha' knowed him •, he must be an in- 
 stitootion. Individuels may be on committees ; but it is 
 institootions alone that associates with the party that 
 represents the nation." 
 
 When I looked for him agin he'd vanished out of 
 sight. 
 
 Ben was standing by me when I said it, and his ear 
 twinkled with pleasure, and he writ down something in 
 his notebook. 
 
 Direkly after that we went to dinner. We had 250 
 turins of turtle to begin with ; then we had 200 bottles 
 o' sherbet ; then 60 pullets, also 60 pijjin-pies, thirteen 
 sirloins, two barons, four-and-twenty geese, 140 jellies, 
 &c, &c. ; and then we turned the table into a desert, 
 and swallered 200 dishes of grapes, likewise pine-apples, 
 and chips, and brandy-cherries, and ginger ; and when 
 it was all over, and I was obliged to see some of it 
 carried away, I began to understand the tears of that 
 
LORD MAYORS DAY. 57 
 
 feller as cried bekos he couldn't conquer the world, and 
 I begun to arsk myself whether it was troo that life 
 was meerly a dream. 
 
 " Josef," sez Betsy, as soon as the Lord Mayor riz 
 for the speechifyin' — " Josef," sez she, " what bekums 
 of all the old Lord Mayors ?" 
 
 It was a solium, but a puzzlin' question, so I pre- 
 tended not to hear it. I wonder what does become on 
 'em. I have often thought, when I have been steepin' 
 my senses in turtle, that perhaps — but there, never 
 mind, pease to their hash, wherever they are. 
 
 Then they all stood up to drink the health of the 
 Queen. It was a glorious sight better than the beginning 
 when it was all trim and regilar — more picturesky, I 
 think they calls it. Over a quarter of a mile o' tables, 
 all strewed and chipped with the broken relics of the 
 feast, great gold and silver dishes lollin' about careless, 
 as if they didn't know but what they was made o' 
 pewter and pine-apples, kind o' cryin' " Come eat me," 
 and festoons o' flours, and the milk-white tabelcloths 
 stained with the blood of grapes and half kivered with 
 the husks o' filberts like forest grasses is with leaves in 
 autumn rime ; and all around 'em bright specks of culler 
 from the solejers' dresses and dy mints glitterin' in the 
 wimmin's breasts, and the shine of saten, and here and 
 there a dab of coal-black velvit, and up aloft the little 
 servant gals comin' to peep at us through the roof and 
 run away ; and for sounds, the whisperin' of lords and 
 ladies, and the rattle of Court swords, and the pleasant 
 chink of glasses, and far away the wimmen's voices 
 a-singin' out " God save her," and nearer home the 
 murmurin' talk o' waiters spekkylatin' how much you 
 was a-goin' to give 'em afore you went away. It was 
 fine to see and hear, and to think they've bin carryin' 
 on the same game off and on for nigh four hundred 
 year in this same hall " O Lord, O Lord, what does 
 it all mean ?" sez I, and then I turned my song book 
 over careless, and my eye fell upon these words — 
 
58 MR. SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 €i The cloud-capt towers, the gorgeous palaces, 
 The solemn temples, the great globe itself— 
 Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve ; 
 And, like the baseless fabric of a vision, 
 Leave not a rack behind." 
 
 And I sit down longin' for the time to come when I 
 should be intrydoosed to Shakespeer, and not write for 
 the daily papers any more. 
 
 Arter that I bid good-bye to her Majesty's judges, 
 and we went home, find as we druv through Leather- 
 lane we see too hungry wretches a fightin' for a tater, 
 and heerd the popilation holdin' their usuel conversation 
 about remands. 
 
 I wonder who that man in black was along with the 
 Tory Ministers ! 
 
 [Soon after the above was written, Mr. Sprouts had a sum 
 of money left him by a distant relative in a remote land. He 
 retired for a time from public life into a luxurious banishment 
 in Belgrave-square. Happening, however, to lose his fortune 
 by some unlucky investments, he returned, after a brief 
 interval of travel, to the scenes of his earlier, and, as he 
 always declared, his happier days. Having managed to pre- 
 serve from the wreck of his possessions just enough to main- 
 tain his family in comfort, he devoted his leisure to the study 
 and improvement of his fellow-creatures. Mr. Brockey was 
 a frequent and always welcome visitor at his old friend's house, 
 and " Neddy" was well provided for in a warm and comfort- 
 able stable built expressly for his accommodation. Mr, 
 Sprouts, during his prosperity, had made the acquaintance of 
 several prominent public men, who occasionally consulted him 
 upon subjects connected with the welfare of the working- 
 classes. In more than one instance these acquaintanceships 
 survived the shock of our friend's reverses. The mention 
 of these facts will throw light on much that might otherwise 
 appear obscure in the following pages. — Ed.] 
 
CALAIS. 
 
 CALAIS. 
 
 JE suis arrived — meaain' of the abuv in English, " IV 
 got among 'em." I kame by the bote of steam 
 from Dover, and was considerable upset by the malady 
 of the sea. This heer aint playful banter, it's a passij 
 adapted from the French, wich langwidge is putt 
 together very much like a certain pusson's prayers. 
 
 The fact is, I was dyin', in a manner o' speakin', to 
 see what these furrin moosoos was like. You are alius 
 hearin' or readin' about em in England ; if yew takes 
 up a noosepaper there's a long letter from Paris (per- 
 nounced " Parry") tellin' yer all the feats of the Emperor, 
 and his army, and his Court ; and, though yer don't 
 hear much about the people, there's a thousand things 
 as brings 'em up before yer every minnit of the day — 
 French polish and French leave, for instance, not to 
 speak of plaster of Parry and French beans ; besides, 
 in all good sersiety the talk is konstantly about 'em. 
 
 So I sez to myself " The very next excursion there 
 is to France shall have me for a passenger ;" and 
 accordin' me and my old lady started off from Ludgit- 
 hill the other day in rout for Dover, and from there we 
 got aboard a ship and steamed away to Kally. The 
 sea is alius on the bile in these parts, bein' narrer ; and 
 glad we was, arter we'd bin simmerin' for an hour, to 
 ketch sight of the steeple of a Frenchman's hat. By 
 degrees, as objecks got a little clearer, we made out the 
 body o' the structure, and arter a bit we drew up along- 
 side the peer in which it stood, one of the largest in 
 my experiense, and then we landed amongst a crowd of 
 little millingtery fellers dressed in baggy garmints, and 
 we knowed we was in France. 
 
 A'most the very moment I got ashore I found out as 
 I'd fergot to bring summat with me — namely, the French 
 
60 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 langwidge. We'd packed up very careful, too ; there 
 was the teapot, and the gridiron, and the six shirts, alsc 
 the pickles and the pockit lookin'-glass, and the cole 1 
 sholeder of mutton as we'd made up our minds to fal 
 back upon in case there was nothin' to eat but horse 
 But there was no langwidge ; and as I walked along tc 
 look out for a lodgin', bitterly did I regret having 
 ventered here without it. The pekooliarity of this 
 people seems to be that they're obstinit and do every- 
 think upside down on purpus to make theirselves dis- 
 agreeable to them as does it in the regilar way. Insted 
 of wearin' bloo breeches and a red kote, as is rite for 
 solediers, nothin' '11 sarve their turn but wearin' red 
 breeches and a bloo kote, wich is vicey versy and makes 
 a regiment o' their solediers in the distance look like 
 one of the most ridikulous sites in natur, as if they was 
 marchin' on their heads with their 'eels in the air. 
 Their langwidge is the same — it's all upside down ; 
 what you begins with they hauls in at the finish, and if 
 they don't take to yer at once you may talk to 'em a 
 month afore they'll try to onderstand yer. 
 
 After landing we wandered on past a lot of shippin', 
 and through crowds of women carryin' out the fresh- 
 caught fish, and layin' 'em on the stones. I've seen a 
 good menny fimmels in my time, but I don't think I ever 
 see any as reminded me less in mind of the Goddess of 
 Buty than these crittirs did. They was all dressed in 
 outragiously short black frocks, and had nothink on 
 their heads but white frilled nitecaps, that made the 
 youngest look old enough to stand godmother to her- 
 self, and they wore worstid stockins, wich, though they 
 may add strength and comfort to the ankle, gives it 
 rayther a timbery expression. " If Old Parr was to 
 visit this port he would weep with rage to see what a 
 age some people can grow to without swallerin' of his 
 pills," thinks I, as we left the markit, and walked over 
 the drawbridge into the town. This was the fust town 
 with a wall round it I ever see, and I must say that I 
 
CALAIS. 61 
 
 don't think it's a improvement. The ditch was half 
 empty, and kivered with rubbish, and the chief, thing 
 twiggable thereon was a daddy-long-legs trying to 
 sail across upon a pertater pealin', which must ha bin 
 done more out of bravado than convenience, as the 
 wind was blowin' a kapfull on his lea. I should think 
 a good broadside from peashooters would severely try 
 the curridge of the walls. Howsumever, through we 
 went, past the " Hogarth Arms," inside the gateway, 
 and soon found ourselves in a large paved square, jest 
 for all the world sich another as yew see on the stage 
 at Drury-lane when Gonsalver comes in and sez the 
 yero of the piece has riled him to that degree that he 
 must have his blood. All the houses was very tall and 
 old, and looked as if they'd gone to bed white but got up 
 yaller, like a buty the mornin' arter a ball ; and in one 
 corner stood a great place with towers like a church, 
 . taller and older than all the houses round about. This 
 was the Hotel de Veal, or Veal Hotel, which is their 
 benited way of puttin' it when they mean Town Hall. 
 Opperzite to this, oh joy! was a house where "English 
 spoken here" was written on the blinds, and in we went 
 and arsked to see the Englishman, and presently out 
 skipped one of the most essentric darncin' barbers that 
 ever trifled with our English tongue. He was tallish, 
 and rather thin, and he'd got a hook nose, a forehed 
 that reached up to his crown, no whiskers, and spiky 
 mustarchers that stuck out on each side of him like the 
 horns of a shrimp. Directly he see us he sings out 
 " Yes, sare," and gives a kind of a twirl round on his 
 toe, wiped nothink off the table, and then stopt ded in 
 front of me and Betsy with sich a glare that I felt my 
 hart sink down within me, and my pardner showed 
 every simkin of getting ready for a faint. 
 
 " Are yer quite sure you're the one as speaks English?" 
 sez I ; " don't yer think there's some mistake ?" 
 
 " O yes, sare," he sez, " I spik English vare well — I 
 was stewed on a English steam bote tree year — dam." 
 
MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 " What have yer got to eat ?" sez L I was starvin', 
 gentle reader, and had no other means to seek my food. 
 
 " We have of the poisons," he sez, " little fishes, 
 and of the rots, rosbif. We have all tings English, de 
 soap and de bittre beer, and de bifteck and de all-fives ; 
 O, yes, I play very well ; and also of the mutton chops 
 — dam." 
 
 " Have yon got a sound evangelical preacher, young 
 men ?" sez I, thinkin' to bring him to a sense of perpiety 
 by a gentle hint. 
 
 " No, sare," he sez, arter lookin' puzzled for a 
 moment $ "we have had one very fine, but a English 
 milord has eat him with little pease on Vensday mornin'." 
 
 I don't mind confessin' it, at this point I kind o' 
 give in. So I leaned back in my chair, and sez I, " Jest 
 bring us anythink you like, for I can see you won't bear 
 contradiction ;" and with that he walzed off like a may- 
 fly, and in a little time had the cloth on and a decanter 
 full of beer a-standin' in the middle of the tabel. The 
 fust course was called soup. Well, who's a-goin' to 
 say it wasn't ? Let us sumtimes take things for granted 
 in this onbelievin' world ; and by-and-by come the roast 
 beef. What a firm, onyieldin' frame of mind the animal 
 it was cut from must have, had, to be sure, for it was a 
 beast as scorned to melt or to be tender, though it had 
 bin roasted well-nigh to a cinder before the fire ; but 
 there it laid, with its cracklin' upwards (it was kivered 
 with cracklin'), and suffered, and was cut in silense, 
 without so much as sheddin' a single tear. I couldn't 
 help thinkin' as I sit there tryin' to eat how well these 
 people onderstands the ekwality of the sexes. In our 
 wretched country cow is seldom admitted to tabei ; here 
 she is jest as often seen there as her husband. The 
 consequence was that arter I'd bin chewin' a long time 
 in vain I got ashamed of tryin' to win a victory over a 
 poor weak female, and I told the feller to take her away. 
 The next moment he skated back with some veal and 
 pickels, which directly I tasted I knew what became of 
 
CALAIS. 63 
 
 the old immortells ; arter settin' that down he went out 
 to a kind of highland fling step, narrerly missin' scratchin' 
 the lookin'-glarse with the spike of his mustarcher. 
 
 We was delited to get rid on him, and as dinner was 
 over we pulled our chairs up to the winder and looked 
 out into the square. It was filled with people who was 
 returnin from their promenade upon the peer — strings 
 of fish wimmen, in their clean white nitecaps and their 
 everlastin' black, looking like old Egyptians with their 
 brown faces and great gold earrings and the rows of 
 rings upon their fingers ; and strings agin of little dress- 
 makers and sich-like, their heads unkivered too, pretty 
 dears, as plump as flower-bags, and walkin' quite 
 demure with their eyes upon the ground. Then comes 
 the tradesmen's darters and the upper sort, wearin' 
 bonnits, and dressed neat and quiet, and lookin' for all 
 the world like English gals, if it warn't for their black 
 eyes and nut-brown cheeks. Mostly speakin', all the 
 gals keeps kumpany together, and all the young men 
 walks by themselves too. You don't see anythink like 
 the number o' youngsters and their sweethearts out a- 
 walkin' wich you see in England on a Sunday arter- 
 noon. For whybekos they don't walk much together 
 unless they're a-goin' to be married, and there is no 
 chance of shilly, shallyin' about with half a dozen, and 
 finishin' off by havin' none. The young men seems 
 happy enuff in one another's kumpany, for they're chat- 
 terin' away, each one dashin' in before the other finishes, 
 in case he should be cheated of his turn. 
 
 If anybody tells yer that Frenchmen as a rool is thin 
 and little, call 'em some ugly name. Most on 'em is 
 awful fat and jolly, and a good few is as tall as any man 
 we've got among us. There was jest as many different 
 sorts o' them as of the gals — great hulkin' labourers 
 from the ships in bloo blouses very neat and clean, and 
 fine made orfisers with stays on and their faces shaved 
 till they looks the very immidge of the Emperor, which 
 seems to have stamped hisself in all the army, for I 
 
64 MR, SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS 
 
 never see a face that warn't the very murral of his'n : 
 and dapper swells, which is no excepshun to the rool, 
 bein' dimmidaw and thin and weak kneed all over the 
 world. A country swell is alius a terrible creetur ; he's 
 a sort of hart de visit of a man, with everything that's 
 comick about the city swell done three times three, anc 
 these Kally swells was terrible to the last degree. Their 
 hats went towerin' to the skies like the tree wich the 
 feller asks the woodman to be sparin' of in the song, 
 and their kollars couldn't be less than a kupple of inches 
 deep. They was of a priestly cut, for they held their 
 little wearers' heads up, and forced 'em to gaze upon 
 better world. As for their patent leather boots, there 
 never was sich seemless neat and shiny things, anc 
 there never was sich dandy little cutaway sportin' coats 
 or sich dapper little legs, which must be made of gooc 
 material or they'd splinter under their own wate, or sich 
 a harmless, hawty gingerbeer and gunpowder kind o 
 look as they put upon their innersent little faces 
 Blessins on the swell ! I have alius luved him every- 
 where, as I luv spiled children and pop-guns and snap 
 dragon and angry wimen, and everything else as looks 
 bloodthirsty and doesn't hurt. 
 
 Well, they all marched about, bowin' to one another 
 and lightin' cigarettes, and chatterin' till their talk 
 hummed like the wind, and I was wonderin' what sort 
 of people had been marchin' up and down there in days 
 gone by, when suddintly the clock begun to strike, and 
 lookin' up I see a kupple of little figgers mounted on 
 horseback in a nick above the face, and every time the 
 hour bell sounded they rushed together and give one 
 another a ugly prog with their spears. They seemed 
 to spend the rest of the hour in wranglin' about their 
 grievances, and to get in a huff together and fall to blows 
 as soon as the clock was on the strike. Arter givin' 
 one another five very deliberit progs they left off fightin' 
 and resumed the argyment ; but when six o'clock come 
 round they fell to it agin, and counted six on one 
 
CALAIS. 65 
 
 another's ribs. This sort o' game has bin goin' on for 
 considerable more than a hundred years, and they've 
 been prog, prog, proggin' all the time, not havin' the 
 sense to leave off in the nitetime, when nobody can see 
 'em, but tusslin' through eclipses and the fiercest fogs 
 like Paddy for the love of sport. 
 
 In the evenin' we took a walk about the town, wich 
 is one of the best defendid places I ever see. You meets 
 three people and then a soleder, and three more and 
 then another soleder, and so on everywhere ; then yer 
 tumbles on a guard-house full on em, lollin' up and 
 down as if they was dyin' for the want o' sumbody to 
 stab. Sumtimes they are desperately garding nothink, 
 and lookin' as if they'd die before they'd let it parse out 
 of their hands ; at other times they've got as much as a 
 pair of pavin' stones to look arter ; and once I actilly 
 see a kupple on 'em posted in front of a real dore. 
 The dore looked as well as could be expected, but the 
 soleders showed signs of bein' overworked. 
 
 Arter that we went to bed feelin' secure. 
 
 The next morning I was woke up with a terrible caw, 
 caw, cawing, and on looking out of the winder I see 
 the half-mad kreetur that waited on us yesterday divin' 
 into a kind of hen-coop among a lot of chickens, which 
 kep kickin' up a most terrible noise. Direckly he see 
 me he sets up a loud shout, and begins a-talkin' his 
 abominable English to a bird he had just fished out of 
 the coop. " Ah, traitor •, from what cause you kick ? 
 Miserrrrable ! I cut you the throat in kalmness. \ 
 boil you in spite of your sulk." But while he was 
 flourishin' his knife and talkin', the chikken wriggled 
 herself loose and begun scamperin' round the yard. 
 With that the idiot gives a look up at my winder, and 
 singing out "Volla, mon ammy — I chase him — you 
 shall see," bolted arter the unlucky bird. It was a kind 
 of steeplechase. Every time he got up with the chikken 
 the critter got clear of him by hoppin' over his arm or 
 his knife. The wimmen left off workin' in the kitching 
 
 F 
 
66 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 to come and look, and some pussons from the coffee 
 room crowded likewise to their dore, and roared out 
 with delite at every double. At larst he brought his 
 victim to earth near the sand-basket, and then he held 
 him up in triump before me, and begun a caperin' about 
 like any child. I never see such chikking-killing in my 
 life. 
 
 I have got a few more things to say about these 
 people, but I must put 'em off until my next. They 
 make a great cry in conversation, but they do not alius 
 give yew a kwantity of wool. They have a grate flow 
 of idees. I heerd five conversin' all at once for three- 
 quarters of an hour the other day. They used their 
 hands and curled their eyebrows, and made a great 
 grimace, and when they'd finished I found out as their 
 talk was about fly-papers — nothin' more. Their lan- 
 gwidge is very difficult, as I told yer ; but I've larnt a 
 few words aready, wich I put 'em down for the benefit 
 of intending travellers : — 
 
 Savoy vous P Do yer twig ? 
 
 Les quatre sauons. The quarter sessions. 
 
 Pate Imperial. Imperial pie. 
 
 Un homme de lettres. A postman. 
 
 Par la sainte pohare. By the holy poker. 
 
 So no more at presint, as we're a-goin' to the theater 
 
BOULOGNE. 67 
 
 BOULOGNE. 
 
 ^pHE chief buty in France is that everything's dun in 
 ■*■ a strait line. Direckly you land from the bote 
 yer luggij is annexed by one of the straitest of porters, 
 who walks with it in a strait line down one of the 
 straitest of piers. From there yew get into a strait 
 street with sharp corners to it, as would shave yer if yer 
 leant your cheek agin 'em, which leads yer to a very 
 uprite house, with a strait old porter at the gate. If 
 yew take a walk into the country yew don't escape it. 
 The road stretches away in one finely-developed line, 
 right into the clouds, and courtin' must be imposserble 
 in the lanes, which branches out on the right and left 
 like stifT-jinted fingers, pintin' to the same happy home 
 The trees is all brought up from infancy to toe the line, 
 and the pertaters grows in close collum, with their eyes 
 to the right. If a feller klimes a greasy pole at a fair, 
 instid of havin' a vision of a honest loin of pork upon 
 the summit to cheer him on his way, he sees nothin' but 
 a little bag, in vich little bag there is a ticket, with vich 
 ticket he must walk strait off to sumbody, who sends 
 him to sumbody else, who gits him to sign a book 
 stating that he has bin faithfully vaccinated, and then 
 he gets the pork. Bathings jist the same. Yew stands 
 in reg'lar order and gits yer tickets fust ; then yew walk 
 down to a row of little Gothik churches side by side 
 upon the beach. Yew enters one o' these sacred 
 buildins, and changes yer plain homely togs for sum 
 fluted garments, which makes yer look a kind o' mixter 
 between a tumbler and the fisherman o' Naples. While 
 doin' so yew read this simple, cussed simple, yet touchin' 
 inscription, on the walls : — "S. Blubb, London, Haugust, 
 
68 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 1 864." You emerje, and find the fair destroyer of yer 
 domestick bliss waitin' for yer inside a Bloomer soot of 
 coloured fiannil ; yew lead her down amidst a crowd of 
 brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, into the waves ; yew 
 swim, yew dive, yew float, yew do the Maltese side- 
 stroke, and exchange jeu de sprees and bitin' sarcasms 
 with the merry crew around ; and when yew both feel 
 properly sufferkated yew return to church agin, and 
 resoom the snuff-kullered garb of ordinary life. 
 
 Of course, I'm not goin' to say as this is anyways to 
 be compared to our English system. " Freedom fust, 
 public merrality arterwards" — as the mouse said when 
 he was committed for stealin' the cheese. 
 
 The greatest thing in Bullong at the present time is 
 the Exhibition of Peck ; and thinkin' it meant sumthing 
 in the way of pastry, for wich these people is very 
 famous, we went to see it. It turned out, however, 
 that " Peck" means fishery, wich is anuther instance o: 
 the tumble-down, careless way in wich their langwidg< 
 is constructed. On enterin' the hall the fust thing we 
 run up aginst was a macheen for makin' nets ; one o: 
 the simplest and most butiful contrivunces I ever with 
 my i beheld. Fust, there's a set o' wheels with strhr 
 on 'em, and then there's a set of hooks. Fix yer gaz< 
 upon them hooks, for everything depends on 'em. 
 Then there's a double row o' bodkins, closely followed 
 by a set o' reels, and another regiment of hooks and 
 wheels. All bein' reddy, a feller flies to the side an" 
 begins turnin' a handle like a orgin, and instantly th 
 bodkins begin a dancin', the wheels flies round ti 
 they're stopped in their mad career by the fust set ol 
 hooks, which carried the thread over the fust bodkin, 
 where it's caught by the second hook, which winds i 
 round the third reel, who hands it to every one of the 
 bodkins as feels strong enough on his legs to take it. 
 This constitoots the fust stitch. The feller then leaves 
 off, and wipes his forrid, arter which he resooms his 
 manglin', and the net is made. On readin' this descrip- 
 
BOULOGNE. 69 
 
 shun to Elizurbeth I found her untootered mind refused 
 to grasp it, and she pernounced it foggy, whereas to 
 me it seems the simplest akkount in the world of the 
 way of tyin' a bit of string in a knot. This is only one 
 speciment of the diffikulties I'm kontinually havin' with 
 my wife. She is not fit to travel, for the horizont of 
 her idees is narrer, owin' to old Chigley, her father, 
 havin' mewed her up in his natif coal-shed instid of 
 makin' her an akkomplished woman of the world. She 
 thinks brandy in kauphy is sinful, but she doesn't objeck 
 to alkyol in her tea; and she can never be got to 
 rekognise the subdued buty of tears in the mail sex, 
 bekos in her own country them amusements is strictly 
 reserved for pussons of the femail persuasion. I am 
 doin' the best I can with her, but it is a hard fite. The 
 next thing we see at the Exhibition was some amiable 
 indoocements in the way of hooks for persuadin' sharks 
 to come on board and have a interview with the 
 capting. Then there was a 24-inch winged harpoon 
 with a ketch in it, sumthing between a solderin' tool 
 and a rat-trap, which is used for whales. Then there 
 was some little salmon in a bottle who was hatched 
 from eggs kept sixty days in ice, their brothers bein' 
 now in Australy; arter which came an ingenious Scotch 
 macheen for ketchin' fish by gettin' 'em to walk into a 
 little galvanised trap with the door open, which shuts 
 directly they get inside, whereupon Mr. Sawney, who's 
 bin a whistlin' on the bank, lugs it up, and pretends 
 he's quite surprised to see 'em, and takes 'em home to 
 be fried. I tell yer, when I think of the varus dodges 
 played with fishes I feel ashamed to look a herrin' in 
 the face, and especially when yew consider the innocent, 
 foolish way in which they all trot in thousands round 
 the world, jest calling at the very places where the 
 people are waitin' to ketch 'em. 
 
 "What's ' Hammecks for the poisons of the Mare/ 
 Josef ?" sez Elizurbeth, stopping before a plakkard. 
 
 " Fish-hooks, my love," sez I — "fish-hooks." 
 
70 MR. SFROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " It's a terrible roundabout way of getting at it," sez 
 she, pore soul. 
 
 Another of her ignorant remarks was when we 
 stopped in front of a busty of Savage, who fust invented 
 the skrew for navigation. 
 
 " Ah," sez she, " I suppose that's the portrit of the 
 feller as purvides the cold lunches on board the Margit 
 bote ; and a pretty skrew it is — one and sixpence — and 
 the sea a rollin' to that degree that the ham and 
 chikking goes a walzin' all over the tabel, and before 
 you've got a fair cut at anythink it's ' All hands on 
 deck.'" 
 
 " The screw, my dear," sez I, "is a sientifick impli- 
 ment, by means of which we wriggles through the 
 water." 
 
 " It may wriggle for ever before it wriggles anymore 
 money out of my portfolio, Sprouts," sez she. 
 
 I sed no more, but stopped in front of a Greenlander 
 sittin' in full fishin' costoom in his canoo. He was 
 clothed in skins, and wore kid gloves ; also he carried 
 a spear and a toothpick. Teeth must grow rapid in 
 them regions, for he had lost enufF on 'em to make a 
 belt of, that went right round his waist. His soup- 
 ladle was the biggest I ever see — it beat Elko's snufF- 
 spoon — (Bow the knee, proud Scot; thou art defeated!) 
 — and he had a Irish flannel-weskit made out of the 
 skins of birds. 
 
 Do you know Monsieur Adonis Tessier Gournay, 
 Maitre Bottier de la Marine ? He's a bootmaker, but 
 there must be a hevvy responsibility restin' on his god- 
 fathers and godmothers. 
 
 But the nicest part of the Exhibition is the aquarium, 
 wich is in another part of the town up by the peer. A 
 aquarium is a place for keepin' fishes before they're 
 salted, and this is considered to be one of the best in 
 France. It is built up like a rock outside, and inside 
 the idee is that you've stepped down into one of the 
 caverns of the sea and are lookin' at the fishes without 
 
BOULOGNE. 71 
 
 gettin' drownded, which you can mannij to do through 
 the water bein' kep' away from yer by thick plate-glass 
 all round. The light falls so peculiar that though you 
 can perseeve the fishes they can't twig yew, and so yew 
 quite drop on 'em by surprise. The fust thing I see 
 was four winkles at tea with a crawfish, and from the 
 manner in which they wagged their heads durin' con- 
 versashun it was quite clear that their habit of stayin' 
 inside their houses when you purchase them at Graves- 
 end is mere obstinacy. I had scarcely turned from this 
 pleasin' scene when I beheld a big gudjin lyin' in wait 
 for a little 'un behind a sponge. The expression of his 
 feturs was trooly diabolikal as his guileless viktim 
 approached. With that keen sense of per piety which 
 belongs to her sect, Betsy next kalled my attention to 
 the behaviour of a wild young crab, who was winkin' 
 wickedly at a crabbess, without perceivin' that the old 
 mother, who was takin' a morsel of sea-weed in a 
 corner, was jealusly lookin' arter her daughter. The 
 thing as seems most remarkable to me is the steadiness 
 of fish. They never larf ; yew see 'em goin' along 
 openin' of their mouths, but I've been given to under- 
 stand as that's swearin'. I see a little sprat feller doin' 
 this at a krab for full ten minnits, till the krab got in a 
 passion and annexed him. It was a affectin' site, but 
 there couldn't be no other vardict than "Sarve him 
 rite." The remainin' tabloos consisted of the follerin' : 
 — Sum winkles out of barricks, a eel drunk and dis- 
 orderly, a star-fish goin' to bed, a quart of mussels 
 meetin' to overthrow their constitootion (meer demmy- 
 crats), the largest jelly-fish in the world throwin' slime 
 upon 'em, and sum lobsters refusin' to fire. 
 
 The French nation is divided into two great classes — 
 waiters and other fellers. If a feller isn't one of the 
 other fellers, he's a waiter, and vicey-versey ; but one or 
 the other he's sure to be. I never see sich rijments of 
 waiters as meets yer at every turn, dustin' nothin' from 
 the kafe tables, lollin' at the dores, and sittin' at the 
 
72 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 marble counters readin' of the noose. It's the only 
 other grate path to honners open for a young feller 
 besides the army, and they change about from one to 
 t'other — fust a soldier, then a waiter, then when times 
 is hard a soldier again — with butiful confusion. From 
 this comes the sayin', so often kwoted, that every French 
 soldier is born with a silver spoon in his napsack — the 
 meanin' of it bein' that he's sure to be either one or 
 t'other. Sum people is neither, but these remarks don't 
 apply to them. It would be a distressin' thing if there 
 was so many waiters without their havin' anythink to 
 do ; so a large number of patriotick Frenchmen go 
 round to the restorers and eats a purpose to employ 
 'em. This must not be konfounded with gluttony. 
 When a man eats a purpos to revel in the fierce pleasure 
 o' finding hisself a stone heavier than when he weighed 
 last, that's gluttony ; but when he eats simply to keep 
 the waiter out o' mischief that's patriutism ; and in this 
 sense the French is the most patriotick nation alive. 
 Providence smiles on sich a man's efforts to sarve his 
 kind, and its smile makes him fat, wich is generally the 
 sign of a patriot in these parts. I saw one of these 
 self-denyin' Romans come into a place one mornin', and 
 begin on bread and butter and radishes, arter which he 
 flirted a bit with a kold foul, then hid a pair of little 
 fishes, then remonstrated with a beefsteak, then triumfed 
 over something between a jam tart and a mutton chop, 
 and finished up with severil sorts of vegetables and half 
 a pound of grapes and a peach and a kup of kauphy. 
 Arter havin' come this he folded his hands with a look 
 as if he had endured enuff for humanity this journey, 
 and went off for a walk to get a appetite for his dinner. 
 I shall never forgit the fust time I ordered beefsteak 
 here. Betsy and me had bin wanderin' along the see- 
 shore gatherin shells and sich like, and listenin' to the 
 music of the deep, when suddintly she asked me if I 
 could tell her what the wild waves was sayin', and I 
 arnsered " Steaks." She blushingly replide that she 
 
BOULOGNE. 73 
 
 thought that was what we was sufferin' from, so we 
 went off to a restorer's and ordered 'em to cook a pair 
 "toot sweet," wich is as much as to say " immejutly," 
 or " like a bird." The feller jumped about as if he 
 had been accidentally put on the gridiron hisself, and 
 finally floo off like a ball from a popgun to git the 
 stakes. There was a great quantity of dish-kovers on 
 the table, also several rows of knives and forks, and a 
 fine plantation of decanters, and when arter waitin' 
 nearly half a hour we see the feller hisself comin' in full 
 steam with the steaks in tow we felt that strange thrill 
 of pleasure which people does when they knows they've 
 desarved well of their country and their country's goin' 
 to pay ? em. The youth come in grinnin' (they allers 
 does), and arter bangin' the dishes down he whips the 
 kivers off, and with a " Volla, Monseer," which means 
 " Behold !" and there was two wretchid little things 
 about the size of pickled walnuts a hidin' of their heads 
 amongst a forest of little taters cut in strips — meer 
 samples of what a stake ought for to be. 
 
 French people has a great idee of the exentricity of 
 the English, kindly believin' us all to be mad, and 
 lookin' on all our doins with the greatest indulgence ; 
 whereas, if yew bring a keen op tick to bear upon it, 
 you'll see as the madness is all on their side, and we're 
 about one of the most naterel and sensible people in the 
 world. There is alius a story about of a exentrik 
 Englishman in their noosepapers, jest as there's one of a 
 monster gooseberry in ourn ; and they're all ekwally 
 troo. I have grate pleasure in addin' one to the list, 
 wich I can vouch for, as it were under my own pussonal 
 notis durin' a walk which I took in the country on the 
 road from Kallis to Dunkirk. The road between these 
 places is very straight and tedius, and is lined with tele- 
 graff-posts all the way, a distance of thirty miles. Well, 
 two of our enormusly wealthy countrymen — Lord A. 
 and the Markis of B. — has made a match to run a race 
 ilong this road for 40,000/., each man klimbin' to the 
 
74 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS 
 
 top of every telegraff-post he comes to, leavin' a five- 
 pound note there and ringm' of a little bell with his 
 teeth. They're to keep at it nite and day without food, 
 but on arrivin' at the winnin'-post the konqueror is to 
 consoom a leg of mutton, which will be waitin' for him 
 reddy cooked, without arskin' any questions. I over- 
 took 'em larst fortnite when I went out for a walk. 
 The Markis was two posts ahead, but he was blowin', 
 and it was thought that his lordship stood the best 
 charnce, as the other one sez his stummick gits out of 
 order when he goes without food for more than three 
 weeks at a time. I shall send a full akkount on the 
 termination of the match. 
 
 A 1 
 
 PARIS— A WORKMAN'S BALL. 
 
 T last I am in Parry, beautiful Parry, the pride of 
 the world. I have seen the Bullyvarts, the Shamps 
 Elysians, the Rue of Revelry, the roly-poly Kollum of 
 Napoleon, the Loovry, the Luxemburg. I have climbed 
 up the Ark of Triump. I have dabbled in the Sane. 
 I have not yet called on the English ambassydur, or 
 any of the Ministers of State, bekos I am by natur' a 
 vagrant, and I like 'umble people and their doins better 
 than all the noise, and glitter, and varnish in the world. 
 I hate a fuss — I hate posture-makin'. I hate anythink 
 as comes between me and another feller when I want 
 to have a chat with him and take a pipe on the broad 
 footin' of our bein' feller-worms, and since I've bin in 
 high sersiety I've found this postur'-making constant. 
 It ain't a man and woman as you goes to dinner with 
 in Belgriv-skware, but a pair of marionets dressed 
 respectif in a tail-coat and a crinerleen — which talks in 
 a high-dried, snuffy way about harts and sciences, and 
 luv and marridge, till the very mention of 'em tickles 
 the throat like Scotch rappee, and it seems as if the 
 
PARIS.— A WORKMAN'S BALL. 73 
 
 world had got too near the sun by accident, and had all 
 the gravy baked out of it like a overdun pie. My 
 literairy brethren drops into this style occasional too, 
 and dresses up in buckram to hide the original green- 
 ness of their natur', wich is the more unluvly considerin' 
 as this greenness is about the Wliest thing about 'em, 
 and it's their bizniss to restore that rapidly-fadin' culler 
 to the world. Lord, when I hear talk of grand doin's 
 here and there — artistick konversazioneys, in which 
 there's everythink but hart and buty — and fashionable 
 weddins, where there's everythink but luv, I cry out 
 for a penn'orth of salt to salt these high-soundin' morsels 
 with, and give 'em flavour, so as they may be made fit 
 to set upon plain deal tables for the food of 'umble men ; 
 and I think of the gloreus doins of my own old vagrant 
 time, when I tramped about from fair to fair, and 
 pitched my tent among the children of the sile. Them 
 was the conversazioneys, when the wimmen met at 
 tee-time and pegged away at honist herrins, and talked 
 of what they onderstood ; and them the weddings, 
 when you married the gal on Monday mornin' and 
 never left off feast and revelry till Saturday nite. I've 
 seen enufFof fashionable doins upon the other side, " so 
 take me," sez I, "to sum quiet little humble plase, 
 where I can see the workmen a enjoyin' of theirselves," 
 and they took me to a Workman's Ball at the Barrier. 
 I left my wife at home ; for why ? — because she said 
 she didn't care to go — bekos she has set her hart on 
 tearin' me away from old associations — bekos she is 
 alius tryin' to make me fashionabl' in spite of myself, 
 and to dress me up in tail-kotes and shiny oilskin boots, 
 when I longs, like an imprisoned songster, for the knee- 
 shorts and the ancle-jacks of the sweet old woodland 
 life. Besides, she had the influenzy. 
 
 We started from our cage in the evening, and took a 
 kind of open vehaycle like a London kab with the top 
 blown off, which is called a vulture de place. Why it 
 should be called a vulture I cannot say, except in 
 
76 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 alloosion to the habits of the driver, who alius pecks 
 yer when he can git a charnce. There was four on us. 
 Fust there was a virtuous peasant, who had come here 
 from the wilds of Brighton a purpus to see life, and 
 who had begun by gettin' his hair cropped close and 
 callin' his countrymen " these islanders." Then there 
 was a delikit young English swell, whose garmints put 
 me in mind of wanderin' sheep, bein' without a fold, 
 though, with this exception, he was quite a huming 
 being, and as fond of fun and frolick as any one could 
 be. Then there was a jovial party with a twinklin' eye, 
 dressed in a weskit, who was alius dyin' to promote the 
 ontong cordal by conversin' in French ; and larst, there 
 was me, as interpreter and general moralist to the party. 
 The struckture into which we had skrambled was 
 a sort of bird's-nest on wheels, and the hoss as dragged 
 it was fluted at the sides, and had had all his columns 
 broken in the course of a long struggle with the elemints 
 and Time. He was none of your flighty, vain hosses, 
 but a fine silver-haired old fellow, that had seen enuff 
 of life to know the vanity of display ; and direckly he felt 
 us behind him he started off at a respectable pace that 
 was meant to larst, and mite ha' bin kep up without 
 fatigue till the coming of the next comet. His driver 
 had pufFeck confidence in him, and let the rains drop 
 loose on the old feller's back, while he entered into 
 a animated conversation with me on the tips of his 
 fingers. Gradually we left the lites of the Boolevarts 
 far behind and got out into long dark streets without a 
 turnin', with here and there a cafFy, and here and there 
 a soleder, and everywhere rows of trees. By-and-by we 
 heard the sounds of musick and see sum lites, and soon 
 arter we pulled up at the dore of a little wine-shop, and 
 popped out of our nest, warmly congratulatin' one 
 another on our mirakulus preservation, and givin' orders 
 to the coachman to wait for us below. 
 
 The little counter of the wine-shop had two bottles 
 on it, filled with pure water, which, being valyable 
 
PARIS— A WORKMAN'S BALL 77 
 
 property, was well guarded by a kupple of guards, 
 posted each on 'em near a bottle with a large saber 
 by his side. It was pleasin' to see that should these 
 gallant fellers be overpowered there was others within 
 call, as we kaught site of several millintery tail-kotes 
 at the top of the stairs, where the ball-room was. We 
 was percedin' up there in grate state when we was 
 kalled back and guv to understand that the price of 
 admission was four sues, to be laid out in refreshment ; 
 so we ordered sum Barrier beer, great numbers of which 
 is sold in these parts, and which is made in the follerin' 
 manner, pecooliarly sooted to the wants of a climit where 
 there is sumtimes a scarcity of malt and 'ops : — Take 
 equal parts of tabel beer and cold tea, and chop them up 
 fine with any other artikle of food that is waitin' to be 
 disposed of ; then put them in a copper and let them 
 simmer at discretion, add a little veal stuffin' for flavur, 
 and when cool sprinkle with vinegar and salt accordin' 
 to pallit. This Barrier beer the virtuous peasant fell 
 foul of, but refused to pertake of it for fear of forfeitin' 
 his policy of assurance ; I drank it off at a draft, for 
 mine is agin all forms of accidental deth. While we 
 was thus engaged one of the guards cast sich a terrible 
 envious look on the beer-can that I arsked him if he 
 would take a glarse, which as soon as he see it his eye 
 sparkled with the purest pleasure and he began to talk. 
 Out of compliment to us, he chuz English, wich he 
 would have spoken better if he had knowed more of it. 
 All he could say at first was " Chiny," " Shangey," and 
 " Sir Hope Grant" — three words which is pleasin' enuff 
 to the year, but is hardly able to express all the emotions 
 of the sole. Findin' him very full of information, I 
 requested to have his kumpany upstairs, wich he politely 
 guv, and we went into the ball-room in the follering 
 order : — Sprouts and the Gard de Parry — the virtuous 
 peasant — the young swell and the man with the twinklin' 
 eye. On gettin' into the room, we found that one of 
 the darnces was jest bein' finished. It was a large place, 
 
78 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 painted chokelit culler, and lit with two little gas jets 
 about the size of farthin' dips ; up abuv there was a 
 little nest hangin' agin the wall in which sit the musi- 
 cianers lookin' as lively as a pair of canaries waitin' on 
 the top shelf of a birdfancier's to be sold. The one 
 who performed on the bas-phial was a gal — round- 
 cheeked, rosy, and thoughtless, who scraped a bit when 
 she had a mind, and when she got tired she turned 
 round to the lookin'-glarse, and did her hair up with all 
 the wilfulness and impetuosity of her sect. From the 
 likeness between their noses I koncluded that the fiddler 
 was her father. He was very fat, but he was not like 
 most fat men — careless. On the contrairy, he fiddled 
 as if he had a difficulty in payin' his rent, and he 
 twitched up all the muskels of his face at the high 
 notes, as if it gave him pain to listen to the agony of 
 his fiddle. The trumpeter was like all other trumpeters 
 — he had a off-hand, indiferent way about him as if it 
 was tuppence to a penny whether he should blow at 
 all ; but when he did jine in it was good-bye to all 
 other sounds until he'd finished tootlin' and resoomed 
 his brandy and water. The people sittin' round was 
 chiefly men and wimmen and children. The men was 
 dressed in bloo blouses and had that long-sufferin , look 
 which comes from shavm' off the whiskers and seldom 
 washin' the face, and the wimmen was mostly red- 
 cheeked dears in nitecaps who had long since abandoned 
 the idee of waists. As they all set there, drinkin' of 
 their German mystery and all talkin' at the same time 
 on the French prinserple of the loudest bein' heerd the 
 best, there was a little figger darncin' in and out among 
 'em sich as I have seldum seen the deuplicate of in all 
 my travils. He was the master of the ceremoneys, and 
 he was dressed in a bloo blouse like the rest, but the 
 haughty twist of his eagle nose, the glitter of his little 
 optick, and the spike of his mustarcher made him look 
 more terrible than the villain who imprisons the princess 
 in the pantymine and is arterwards burnt out with slow 
 
PARIS.— A WORKMAN'S BALL. 79 
 
 pisin swallered by mistake. Presently he clapped his 
 hands and sung out " Waltz " the fiddles begun 
 screaming the worn-out, listliss-lookin' workmen jumped 
 up from their benchis, the young wimmen riz and left 
 their children to the care of the old 'uns, the gards 
 drew back near the dore, and off the whole lot started 
 in the wildest darnce of demons ever seen on this side 
 of Parrydise. The moosik seemed to act on 'em like 
 brandy. Hevvy workmen, wich but a minute ago had 
 bin lyin' on the benches wore out with a hard day's toil, 
 kut the air like vultures at the site of doves, and the 
 buxom wimmen skimmed along till it seemed as if the 
 Channel Fleet was movin' in a circle round yer under 
 every inch of sail. They bumped one another, they 
 larfed, they ciied out until the sparkle of their eyes set 
 fire to the feelins of the fiddler, and he got as excited 
 as theirselves, and fiddled as lively as the organist arter 
 the fifteenth glarse of whisky at a wake. All this time 
 the little ceremoney feller was dartin' in and out among 
 'em with his hands out and his hair on end, chatterin' 
 and stampin' with passion and pleshure by turns ; and 
 the men and wimmen on the benchis clapped their 
 hands for joy, and urged 'em on, The only silent 
 beins was ourselves, the three grim solejers, and the 
 old women croonin' over the babies and rubbin' their 
 yaller cheeks agin the youngsters' noses, as if they was 
 hungerin' for the fire there to warm the blood in their 
 own cold vains. As for me, I sit silent, watchin' a 
 young girl who was darncin' with a injine driver on the 
 railway, who chuz this way of coolin' himself after the 
 baking of the day. I have never seen sich good darncin' 
 at any of the fashionable hops in our natif land. The 
 gal seemed to give her mind to it, as sum people give 
 their mind to buildin' churches. Her klean white Nor- 
 mindy cap, her healthy face, her trim feet glid round in 
 continyal circles, all the cullers runnin' into one another 
 like the paint stripes on a patent top. 'Appy ingineer — 
 would I could hop so gracefully as thou ! But sawft ; 
 
80 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 the musick ceases, the little ceremoney demon runs round 
 to collect the pennies wich every one as darnces has to 
 pay, and the darncers sit down at the tables to drink the 
 aforesaid beer, black kauphy, some stuff called absinth, 
 and little thimbles full of O D V ('ow dredful varm), 
 brought in by a dumpy little waitress who seemed to 
 have bin tryiri' to improov her complexion with a den- 
 trifis made of coals. 
 
 When the darnce was over, our party entered into 
 frendly conversashun with the solejer on the basis of 
 the thumb and fingur alfabet, with repeatin' signals on 
 the ribs, assisted by the huming voise. I akted as 
 interpreter, and accordin' as the digs was hard or sawft, 
 I pernounced em to mean joy, hope, despair, infection, 
 and the various passions of the sole. Some of the 
 solejer's stupid arnsers to straightforrard, simple ques- 
 tions did not give me a high idee of the intelleck of the 
 French people. The fust question put was by the man 
 with the twinkling eye, who sez, " How do yer like 
 the English people ?" sez he plain enuff, and waited for 
 a arnser. 
 
 " O yes ; varey roast bif," sez the idiet, wich seemed 
 to me so unmeanin' that I said it loud in his year to 
 make it clearer to 'im, " 'Ow— do — you — like — the — 
 English — people ?" decompanyin' each word with a 
 throb on his weskit. 
 
 His answer to this was simply " Bool dawg," which 
 put me in sich a everlastin' quandary that I didn't know 
 what to do with him for the life on me. 
 
 " Try it in French, Mr. Sprouts," sez the virtuous 
 peasant. 
 
 " Well, then," sez I, makin' a larst effort, " my frend 
 desirey to know kelk chose — that is, how you aimey the 
 English peple ?" 
 
 To this his reply was, " Several ;" so I abandoned 
 the idee of tryin' to converse with him on sientifick 
 subjecks, and shifted the konversashun to the dooties of 
 his own puifession. 
 
PARIS.— A WORKMAN'S BALL. 81 
 
 " Are yew much triibbled with " cly fakers" In these 
 parts ?" sez I. 
 
 He must have bin a very queer perleeseman, for this 
 question seemed to puzzle him more than any of the 
 rest ; so, concludin' he was only put there to prevent 
 the German beer from accumulatin' in the establishment, 
 I supplide him with sum more of that mixter, and left 
 him to his self. 
 
 Nothin' would sarve one of my English friends but I 
 must partaik of the pleasures of the next darnce along 
 with him, which was a kwadrille ; so, havin' obtained 
 pardners through the little major domy, we stood up. 
 It is called Parishians,' and yew stand in two lines, and 
 arter bowin' to the four corners of the univarse, yer 
 begin to figger away. I have seen it dun in England, 
 but there it is a grave affair, much like the Dead March 
 in " Saul," but no sooner did these men git fairly off, 
 than I began to find the meanin' of supplyin' 'em with 
 German beer. The agony of mind caused by swallerin' 
 this poison is so excruciatin' that the viktim, instid of 
 darncin', bounds into, the air and performs endless 
 flourishes before he touches earth agin. The poor swell 
 was walkin out very stately — countin' one, two, three, 
 and doin' a graceful little step, when he was toppled 
 over like a skittle, and I only eskaped his fate by givin' 
 a teetotum, who was revolvin' near me, a knock which 
 sent him buzzin' off into the center of the ring. Con- 
 versashun with yer pardner was impossible. When 
 yew looked round to find her, she was bein' whirled 
 round by somebody on the opperzite side, and before 
 yew knew where yew was, yew was doublin' about in 
 the form of a figger of eight in the same direckshun. 
 Finding my few remainin' sensis rapidly goin', and a 
 confusion of arithmetikal figgers, bloo blouses, white 
 kaps, and excited trumpeters whirlin' before my eyes, I 
 drew off to one of the benches, and our coachman, who 
 had come upstairs to see the fun, took my place. The 
 cab-driver and the ingine-driver was thus opperzite to 
 
 G 
 
82 MR, SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 one another, and it was steam agin horseflesh on the 
 prinserple of competitif examination. The horror I 
 experienced in seem' a cabman darncin' in a kwadrill 
 was too much for my narves and the narves of them 
 about me, and the onairthly musik was no sooner finished 
 than we called the man out, got into the vehaycle agin, 
 and was whirled back to our 'otel. This is what they 
 call a Workman's Ball. 
 
 PARIS.— A FRENCH FETE. 
 
 I HAVEN'T seen a noosepaper since I left my natif 
 shore. What a wonderful lull there is in the 
 perlitekal atmosfeer ! I wonder what Ben's a doin' of. 
 Where's Epsom ? How's Roebuck ? I hope somebody 
 gives him a bit of dinner now and then, and incurridges 
 him to speak his mind. It cures em much sooner than 
 the old straw-and-strait-weskit system. "I don't care 
 who makes the laws for a people if they'll only let me 
 make the speeches, Mr. Sprouts," he sez, the very larst 
 time I see him — pore feller. 
 
 If anybody asks how I'm a gettin' on, tell 'em I'm 
 friskin' about like a sunbeam out o' school ; my life is 
 one continyel round of balls, concerts, opperies, "petty 
 soupirs," and indigestion. I am well received by sum 
 of the best sersiety in the Bollyvarts, on payment of a 
 frank for a kup of kauphy. I see most of the leadin' 
 exhibitions on the same tarms, and I have only jest 
 returned with Betsy from a feat at St. Cloud. 
 
 This feat havin' bin advertised all over the city as a 
 thing worth seein', we went to see it, though I have 
 very little belief in feats, preferring the kwiet domes tick 
 pleasures of my own fireside to all the feating and 
 galivantin* in the world. 
 
 A French railway station is a very orderly place. 
 
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PARIS.— A FRENCH FETE. 83 
 
 The pay-orfis door is opened some time before the 
 startin' of the train, which does away with the fine old 
 system of a free elbow fite for tickets as it exists in our 
 natif land ; and directly yew have taken your tickets 
 yew are marshalled into different little pens, where 
 yew wait till they are reddy to take you. The pen 
 dore is then opened, and yew walk into the train, and 
 are hurled off to your destination. "While we was 
 a waitin' in our pen a ugly feller in a bloo blouse kep 
 comin' to the dore and peepin' in upon us as if to make 
 sure nobody hadn't run away. Betsy said she felt like 
 a lam bein' led to the slaughter, and I must say I 
 couldn't help havin' strange recollections of the Metro- 
 politan Market myself ; but I larfed it off, and by the 
 time we got out upon the line and see the white houses 
 and green shrubberies of Parry a glistenin' in the veil 
 below she was the gayest of the gay. 
 
 This railway seems to be on a high level, for, when 
 we delighted at St. Cloud, we had to walk down one 
 hill arter anuther for a long time afore we see any signs 
 of the feat. Things was so qwiet that I was beginnin' 
 to fear that we had come by accident to the wrong 
 place, when we stumbled on a rural kaffy, with a regi- 
 ment of tables standin' outside of it, and anuther 
 regiment of waiters a standin' behind them like a staff 
 of hospital doktors a waitin' at the operatin' counter 
 for their victims. This was the first sign of the feat, 
 not a happy sign for me, for I hate the sight of waiters 
 — I hate the look of their cold fish eyes that sees and 
 says nothink, but keeps up a glassy stare upon yer all 
 the time you're a eatin' your asparrygras, and then goes 
 downstairs and larfs like Lucifer bekos yer don't happen 
 to be eatin' it in the regilar way. I hate their everlastin' 
 " Yes, sir," and their clean white aprons, and stiff 
 neck-hankechers and well-pomatumed hair, as a feller 
 hates the neatness of the surjin that's a win' to perform 
 upon him, bekos I know that this smoothness is alius 
 followed by a attempt at bleedin' and a struggle about 
 
U AIR SPEOUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 the bill, and I hate them more than all bekos they bring 
 back to me the recolleckshuns of my old hard-up times 
 when they lolled outside the dores of Verrey's like 
 sentinels a standin' at the Gates of Plenty, and looked 
 hawty at me as I wandered past 'em with a hungry hart. 
 Therefore I say I wasn't delighted to see the waiters, 
 and I don't know what mite not have happened to me 
 if I hadn't all of a suddint come plump upon all the fun 
 of the feat, and found myself in a long wide avenue 
 filled with people and lined with booths. Sum of the 
 people was what is called peasants, which is as much as 
 to say they was chawbakons, that bein' the English 
 word. Now a French chawbakon in full dress troubles 
 my eye like onion. Fustly, as to his vissij, it is sprinkled 
 with the remains of his whisker crop, as if he had bin 
 tattooed with gunpowder ; then he wears a short blue 
 smock, a pair of black continivations — a fashionable 
 word — cut like speakin' trumpets, bein' broad at bottom 
 and narrer at the top, and maybe wooden shoes skooped 
 out on the moddel of the bark wich Noah chartered 
 for his jurney round the world •, he has a duster round 
 his neck, tied in a most egregius bow ; and he carries a 
 pijj in-breasted umbereller, made of gingham, in one 
 hand, and leads his wife and a string of children by the 
 other — pretty little dears, about the size of mahogany 
 chessmen, and about the same kuller, havin' aperiently 
 bin dipped in coffee at that age when we most readily 
 receev impressions. Sum of the fellers agin was boatin' 
 men belonging to the Rowin' Club, in big top boots 
 and knickerbockers and pilot-kotes, with the ushel 
 devil-may-care look that all youths get arter they have 
 once trubbled the water in a randan or a four-oared gig. 
 There was also a few real old swells in stays, with 
 crosses on their breasts, and a lot of smart young 
 wimmen taking their chignons out for a walk. The 
 main difference between French people and other people 
 is that other people does things and Frenchmen over- 
 does 'em. For instant, other people wears a hat — 
 
PARIS.— A FRENCH FETE. 85 
 
 French people carries the idee out to its nateral conclu- 
 sion and wears a steeple ; other people wears kollars — 
 French people wears linen blinkers that keeps the eye 
 warm, besides infiictin' the ushel torture upon the neck. 
 Agin, other people's darters stuffs out their back hair 
 with a pin-cushing — French people's darters puts a 
 piller there, till there's no sayin' whether the gal was 
 made for the chignon or the chignon for the gal. Other 
 people's darters when they're angry stamps upon their 
 heel — French people's darters stamps upon a long thing 
 like the neck of a wine-bottle, which lays them up in 
 limbo after walkin' for a quarter of a mile, justly 
 reasonin' that if a thing is big, why shouldn't it be 
 bigger ; if it's ugly, why shouldn't it be uglier ; and 
 if it's uncomfortable, why shouldn't it be uncomfort- 
 abler still ? — sich is the force of logekal idees. 
 
 The booths at the fair was like the booths at all other 
 fairs, filled with genuine cureosities in crockery and 
 hair-combs, etcettery-, for I'm not a goin' to say a word 
 agin 'em, havin' bin in the same line myself, and I know 
 what a trubble it is to get em sold, and they won't 
 keep. 
 
 I felt a kind of purfessional pleshure in goin' about here, 
 bekos no man can be said to know his bizness till he's 
 seen how it's done in furrin parts abroad ; and I remem- 
 bered the last words of my father when he retired from 
 the purfession and handed over to me the donkey and 
 the barrer, and the tent, andthe two Iniian twins, like- 
 wise the pannyrammer of the " Death of Maria Martin," 
 and the " Inexhaustible Coffee Pot." 
 
 " Joe," he sez, " you're no dunce, and yew can make 
 a puddin' in a hat with here and there a one. Still," he 
 sez, " never be abuv tryin' to larn. I thawt I was at 
 the top of the purfession when I found out how to cut 
 the twins' heads off and send 'em away in a basket out- 
 side the tent, till a meer wanderin' feller stepped in one 
 day and offered to show me for sixpence how to make 
 'em sing a African comick song before they was jined to 
 
86 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 the bodies agin, wich he did it, and I pretty nigh made 
 a fortin at that fair." 
 
 These was my father's words., and I remembered 'em, 
 and went about tryin' to larn. The fust thing I see was 
 a conjurer jest beginnin' his performance. His old 
 father was a piayin' the orgin and his mother was a 
 totterin' by his side, and he did the conjurin and kept 
 the pair. There was a splendid style about that man 
 wich I have never seen ekwalled even by the very top 
 of the purfession in our natif land. He very likely 
 hadn't got sevenpence in his pocket, and he looked 
 'ungry, but by his style you'd ha' thought he considered 
 money to be meer cinders, and that he polished off a 
 pint and a half of turtle every day. His shoes let in 
 the water, but the tinsel on the uppers was butifully 
 done. His velvit cloak was rusty, but he wore it like a 
 prince, and when he throw'd it open and showed the 
 large order of merrit presented to him by the King o' 
 Poland in solid gold, the enthoosiasm was immense, 
 cheefly at his self-denial in sufferin' hisself to get so lean 
 while he carried so much valyable property about hi? 
 pussen. " Messeers and Madams," he sez, as soon a* 
 he had done this, " before we commence our seanci 
 may I trouble you to fall a little farther back." There 
 was a splendid idee ! — " seance ;" why, nobody has the 
 pluck to say that in England unless he performs in a 
 theatre with five shillins for the back seats. "When 
 we had the honor to meet one anuther larst year upon 
 the other side of the avenoo," he sez, pintin' in the 
 direckshun of a puddle among sum trees, " I informed 
 yew that on my way home from the Court of Spain, to 
 which I was then goin', I should probably take St. Cloud 
 on my rout. I have dun so. For the few feats which 
 I am priviliged to bring under your notice, gentlemen, J 
 shall expeck no reward, but if you think fit to give J 
 triflin' incurridgement to the musician, I shall not forbic* 
 him to receev it." 
 
 Arter this he brc oight fourteen pin-cushim and a sack 
 
PARIS.— A FRENCH FETE. 87 
 
 of sawdust out of a half-pint kan — a easy feat, but the 
 style — the style — was the thing. A English conjurer 
 would ha' brought 'em out like a pin-cushin stuifer 5 
 but he brought em out one by one, between his fingers, 
 as if he had never seen sich things before in his life — 
 daintily, like a artist as he was. 
 
 While he was preparin' for the next feat the old 
 " musician" begun to play the orgin, wich was mounted 
 on a pair of trestles, and wiggled about as if its bellows 
 wanted mendin'. O that toon ! that toon ! when will 
 the memory on it leave me ? I have been guv to under- 
 stand that the chief of the orgin-builders lives in France, 
 and I have bin makin' kareful inkwiries arter him, in 
 order to strike one gloreus blow for liberty, and free 
 the world. I think I am on his tract. 
 
 The next feat was with a learned dawg, wich howled 
 every time you counted three, but I couldn't look, at 
 that. Everywhere, everywhere, in this age there's the 
 kurse of over-edukation starin' yer in the fase ; there's 
 no childhood, no youth, but the puppy is taken from 
 the brest and taught arithmetik before he has larnt to 
 bark. Thank goodniss that luv is not disposed of by 
 competitif examinashun, or where would the lady's lap- 
 dog be by the side of the conjurer's poodle ? 
 
 When this was over, he sez, " I thank you for your 
 attention, messeers, and beg to inform yer that the 
 musician will now be permitted to receev gratooities." 
 This sort of thing is alius very trying to the integrity of 
 a krowd, and a few chucked in ha'pence and a great 
 many walked away. But even this couldn't spile the 
 conjurer's temper. " Do not let us lose the pleasure of 
 your charmin' sersiety, gentlemen, on a mere question 
 of soos," he sez. " The musician will give you some 
 fresh seleckshuns, while I prepare another feat." 
 
 " I don't play upon kredit," says the old feller, 
 speakin' for the fust time. 
 
 "That is unfortnit," says the conjurer, "and it 
 relucktantly compels me to ask these gentlemen to con- 
 
88 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 tribbit a few more soos jest to satisfy the prejudices 
 my honist friend." 
 
 This brought in, not a shower, but a kind of drizzlin 
 Scotch mist of ha'pence ; and soon arter the perfom 
 ance was wound up. 
 
 I was much struck as I walked on further to notis the 
 way the Frenchman glides through life. He doesn't 
 race through it as some people do. Even amid all the 
 bustel and excitement of the seen, I see one merchant 
 asleep behind his kownter, and another takin' a lesson 
 on the fiddel. This is as it should be. Sleep and 
 fiddlin' are two of the chief delites in natur'; and why 
 shouldn't my brother enjoy 'em as well as me ? French 
 people is very fond of pistol-shootin'. At every merry- 
 making and even in the regilar darncin' halls, there's a 
 gallery fitted up where yew may go and shoot at small 
 plaster riggers for a soo a shot. I ordered three- 
 ha'porth, but before I begun, I looked along the row of 
 huming targits to see if I could see anybody I knowed. 
 At fust I couldn't, but at larst I spied a little feller that 
 was the very immidge of Exchekker Ben, my dearest 
 frend, though it wasn't ment for him, and to show the 
 strange perversity of human natur', I fired at that little 
 figger till I bloo its hed off. Providence at fust refused 
 to help me, and guided my bullits to the rite and left. 
 Ben's immidge was standin' between a plaster kow and 
 a peasant, jest for all the world as Ben hisself does in 
 Bucks, where he's the senter of the agrikultural system. 
 I knocked the kow down, and I smashed the peasant, 
 but I couldn't hit Ben. At larst I took a dedly aim, 
 and then he fell, as if he was determined not to survive 
 the rooin of the landed interest. Direckly I see him 
 layin' on the fibre I would have give the world for a 
 little white of egg and flour to paste him together agin, 
 but it was too late, and I walked away full of the most 
 gloomiest refleckshuns. I wonder what is the meaning 
 of this strange fit of ferosity. There was the figger of 
 a Scotchman within easy reach of my pistol, yet I didn't 
 
PARIS.-A FRENCH FETE. 8D 
 
 aim at him. Why didn't I shoot the Scotchman ? It 
 is a mystery. 
 
 A female fenomenon, weighing loo kilomeeters, was 
 the next site, and the perpietors was a old Frenchman 
 and his wife, who seemed to have sacrificed all their 
 own share of vittles to feed the gal. "We had a long 
 chat about exhibitin' fat gals, also about the cost of 
 keepin' a jiant and a dwarf, during which I remarked 
 that what you saved by the dwarfs vittles you lost by 
 his temper, as no other animal could live in the same 
 caravan along with him without bloodshed. From this 
 and one or two other sientifick observations I made, the 
 old feller guessed at once I was in the purfession, and 
 as soon as I sed I was, nothink would sarve his turn 
 but he must escort me round the fair jest as a English 
 General escorts a Rooshian ingineer over our fortifica- 
 tions, and vicey versey — these korteseys being customary 
 amongst all purfessional men. The fust thing he showed 
 me was a exhibition of performin' apes and dawgs, 
 callin' my attenshun to the different modes of treatin' 
 this interestin' subjeck among the English and French. 
 " You, bein' a aristocratic nation, proud of your old 
 nobility," sez he, " generally divides the animals into 
 two classes, footmen and lords — you bring a carridge 
 on the stage with a kupple of monkeys in it to repre- 
 sent the noblemen, and a kupple of dawgs in livery to 
 represent the sarvints as waits upon em and drives em 
 about, and in the next tabloo you have a tea-party, 
 where the animals pledges theirselves in that invigoratin' 
 drink to stand by your ancient constitootion ; but obsarve 
 the direckshun of the popular currants amongst us — 
 that monkey in the crinoline represents a grisette, and 
 that poodle in the velvit hat is a gay young Paris stoodent, 
 bent on seem' life ; or else," he sez, " it is a millingtery 
 specticle — the monkey dragged out for disobedience 
 and ordered to be shot by his kumrades, and four 
 poodles waitin' in harness to a gun-carridge to drag him 
 off to a soldier's grave. Observe the larfter of the 
 
90 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 wimmen at the fust tabloo, and the cheers of the men 
 at the sekkond." Arter this, we see the " Capter of 
 Mexico" for fippence a piece, a lottery for chiny, a game 
 at skittles — in which the prize was a live duck tied tc 
 the leg of the board by a bit of string, which the game 
 was never meant to be konkered as there was no sekkond 
 duck in reserve ; a man swingin' by one leg at a hight 
 of flve-and-thirty feet from the ground for anythink you 
 liked to give him, and a pannykrammer of London, in 
 which there was no mention of Kollyflour-alley, and 
 then we lunched on fried strips of pertater and a glass 
 of wine, eaten hot from the ovin without a phawk, and 
 see the grand fountings playin', and a solejer lookin' 
 sharp after the water to see as it didn't run away too 
 fast. 
 
 My general observashun on French feats is that they 
 are frivvylus things, especially for grown-up people. 
 Anythink reely manly, sich as a exhibition of bull- 
 puppies, a singin' match between two canareys for a leg 
 of mutton, or a fite between dawgs or men, is almost 
 unbeknown here. In konsequence, the people is not 
 only wicked, but effeminat. My hart warms towards a 
 feller who winds up a day of pleshur in the usuel way, 
 but to hear that called happyness when a man walks 
 strait to his own 'ome carryin' a kupple of dekanters 
 and a snuff-box, and tootlin' on a penny whissel which 
 he has won in a lottery at a fair, is disgustin', and alius 
 makes me fizzle with contemp. 
 
PRIZE-FIGHTING. 91 
 
 PRIZE-FIGHTING. 
 
 T'VE got nothin' to say agin glory ; it's all very well 
 -■• in its way, but the question I alius ask when I see 
 any feller looking soft and foolish while others is a hip, 
 hip, hooraying of 'im is, " Has it any stayin' power in 
 it ? Will it larst ?" Some likes to see an 'ero in the 
 mornin' when he's got 'is 'elmit on, and the sunbeems 
 makes his face like polished silver, and the drums beats 
 out like thunder with the rumatizm, and the gals and 
 other feemales waves their hankechers, and all the big 
 and all the little babies chirrups out " Brayvo ; " but I 
 likes to see him later in the day, when he's puttin' of 'is 
 nite-kap on and hoppin' into bed, and to heer him 
 murralizin' when all the sunlite in his chaimber is jest a 
 farthin' dip. If his sleep is sawft and peasful well and 
 good, but if there's stikin'-plaster underneeth his 'elmit, 
 and several holes for nite-lites let into his ribs as keeps 
 him wide awake and groanin', while all his lovin' frends 
 is fast asleep, why then the glory doesn't seem so 
 pretty, arter all. Neddy snortid all the way to Billinsgit 
 when he wore his new harniss on the fust of May, but 
 at eventide his back was like a nutmeg-grater — sich is 
 vanity and ambishun among the beests of the feeld, and 
 sich their froots. 
 
 Wot a puzzle this univarse is, to be sure ! I've 
 thawt over some of the problems in it till my aking 
 brain has buzzed with angwish like a hummin'-top, and 
 I've kwaffed goblets full o' rosy wine (malt wine), and 
 red Mangle's historikal kwestins without comin' a bit 
 nearer to the mark. One of the chief things I can't 
 make out is how it happens that the greater part of 
 human natur lets itself be ridden about and druv this 
 way or that by a few of its feller-kreeters, when, if it 
 
92 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 was jest to giv one kick, it 'ud be its own master and 
 free to rome about and nibble the green pasturs wherever 
 it found 'em. It's nateral enuff that pussons in our pur- 
 fession should try to be little gay deceivers when we're 
 weighin' taters or measurin' kidney-beans ; but why, in 
 the name of Hookey, does our unfort'nit victims, the 
 servant gals, suffer us to do it ? Our wickedniss is 
 owin' to the fall in huming natur ; but their stoopiderty 
 comes from no one but theirselves. It's the same with 
 all other pussons in authority. Emperors must frekwently 
 larf inside their kote-kuffs at the addressis of loyal 
 poppylashuns ; and as for the leeders of grate consti- 
 tootional parties, why, Benjamin and me used to pass 
 our time in one round o' ticklin' and larfter as soon as 
 we got behind the seens ; and, whenever he kaught my 
 hi in Parlyment, he alius klosed his own optik and 
 gently rubb'd his phawfinger over his noze. 
 
 It's curus that soldiers should be found willin' to turn 
 their bodies into pincushions for eighteenpense a-day — 
 curus that country labourers should kiver half the airth 
 with korn krops and then get nort but husks and 
 scrapins for their pains — curus that the 'Ampstead-heath 
 donkeys don't rize in rebellion along with the other 
 depressed nashionalities — curus that wimmen should 
 still beleev the honnied aksents of our witchin' tongues ; 
 but it's most curus of all that a kupple of lusty fellers 
 should find no better work in natur than to step into a 
 ring and flog one anuther into sassige meat, all for to 
 please a set of wretches as Old Scratch hisself couldn't 
 handle without defilin' of his pitchfawk. 
 
 From fust to larst the ketchin' of a fitin' man is much 
 the same as the ketchin' of a fly — they're both entrapped 
 by lookin' at a bit of paper plastered over with some- 
 thing gummy and deceitful. The insekt's jurnal's called 
 a " Ketch-'em- Alive, O," and goes at sumthing like a 
 ha'penny ; but the huming kreetur's has the name o' 
 " Sportin Periodikal," and is sold at all prices from a 
 penny up to fourpens. One fine mornin' sum young 
 
PRIZE-FIGHTING. 03 
 
 feller blessed with helth and strength and a big, brave 
 hart, picks up this same periodikal, and he reads in it a 
 heap of pretty trifles, under the head of " Doins in the 
 Ring." Everybody knows how slick us literairy kovies 
 is in ritin' with our pens. We can talk about the 
 sweetness of a cabbij till most people beleeves they're 
 smellin' of a rose. So everything about the fitin' men 
 reads so nutty that the pore kreetur fancies it the most 
 sportif style o' livin' out ; and whereas the path o' life 
 for most men is rayther ruff and nubbly, it looks as if 
 the road for fitin' men was jist a reg'lar jig to glory with 
 musik blowin' all the way. He reeds, perhaps, the fust 
 thing, sum story of " a merry mill." Bless us, ain't it 
 pretty, " Anteceadents of the men," "Latest noose from 
 trainin' kwarters," "Description of the jurney down 
 by rale ;" " The Fite," a luvly pickter freshened up 
 with jist a little " claret" here and there — collection for 
 " Muggy Donovin,"' the beaten man, " defeated, not 
 disgraced," and the whole party returnin' merrily bak 
 to town, Corinthean patterns " highly gratifide with 
 their mornin's sport." 
 
 Arter that kums the advertizements of the sportin' 
 houses. Talk about the extravaganzies at the Strand ! 
 they can't be nothin' to 'em for roarin' fun : — 
 
 " Old Jemmy Banks, the veteran, still at 'ome — Cum erly 
 to the Pig and Thunderbolt, where Jimmy's alius glad to see 
 his friends. The sub-kommittee on the Rattin' sports sits 
 every Thursdy nite, with all the dead defunkt of past ages 
 stuffed like Natur in the Bar. The old dawg, Pincher, not- 
 withstandin' the recint loss of his wife, still kills three hundred 
 rats within sich a time. Lekturs on the nobel art o' Boxin', 
 by Purfessur Haggerty, with experryments on the livin' subjeck. 
 The whole to konklude with harminy and the social glarse. 
 Noty beany: Ugly Mawley, the konqueror of Muggy Donovin, 
 will take the chare on Monday next, supportid by a host o' 
 talons." 
 
 I've red loads o' glorious ritin' over battle-fields, 
 
94 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 which is jest about as pretty and jest about as troo as 
 this. 
 
 So on Monday nite the Greenhorn goes there, and 
 what he then sees ought to cure him of his nonsense, 
 if he had his wits awake. The veterun, a sort of 
 stumpy little fellow, with a big fish hi, sits behind a 
 dusty little bar with all his dirty dawgs around 'im ; 
 but insted o' welcomin' his customer he'll hardly do so 
 much as throw a look upon him. By-and-by Sir 
 Simpleton gits narvous, seem everythin' so kwiet, and 
 sez he to Banks, the veterun, " If yer please, sir, 
 when's the sub-kommittee on the rattin' sports agoin 
 to sit ?" " Sub-kommittee o' what ?" sez the other, 
 lookin' rayther owly, as if he'd never heard on it afore. 
 "Why, the things that's advertised in the sportin paper," 
 sez the Greenhorn ; " I hope I haven't kum too late ?" 
 " O, yes, I remember," sez the other, givin' a kind o* 
 grin; "jest in time-, up stares, fust dore on the rite, 
 and sixpense to pay." Down goes the sixpense, and 
 up goes Mr. Greenhorn, and finds hisself in a musty 
 little sor dusty room, with harf a duzzen funny lookin' 
 fellers with big heds like the figgers in a pantymine, 
 setting down a smokin' of their pipes. He hain't bin 
 heer long befor he arsks anuther question, finding things 
 is halso dedly kwiet, and sez he, " Which'll kum on 
 fust, please — the sub-kommittee or Purfessur Haggerty's 
 lektur ?" " O," sez a feller with a sort o' turnip face, 
 " the lektur, to be sure," he sez, winkin' slyly at the 
 rest on 'em ; " I'm Purfessur Haggerty, and as I've 
 took rayther a fansy to the look on yer, I don't mind if 
 I begins with yew." " Thank yer," sez the Greenhorn, 
 puttin' down his sixpense very reddy, and drawin' on a 
 pare of dirty gluvs ; " but mind yer don't hit hard." 
 " 'Tain't likely," sez the other, " we never does" — at 
 the same time liftin' him nearly off his legs with a rite- 
 hander on the probonskis (latten for noze). " Lor' 
 bless us," sez he, " to think o' that now ; it was kwite 
 a slip ; it's all the tailor's fault, for I alius lets go care- 
 
PRIZE-FIGHTING. 95 
 
 less when I've got my jakkit on, as it isn't tight enuff 
 about the sleeves." "Never mind," sez the others, 
 "have another try" — and so he does, and arter a few 
 more " slips" can't as much as grope his way down the 
 starekase, and he finds the lektur gives kwite enuff em- 
 plyment to the mind, without the sub-kommittee on the 
 rattin' sports, or the harminy to foller. 
 
 If he's got the sense to stop at this pint, well and 
 good ; but it's odds he goes agin, and keeps on going 
 till he's larned to box a little bit hisself, and then they 
 gammon him to have a fire with sum deloodid creetur 
 jest caught about as stupidly as he was in sum other 
 sportin' den. The day kums, and then for the fust time 
 in his life he finds hisself opperzite another man he's 
 hardly ever seen afore, and never had a word of kwarrel 
 with, and trying hard to pummel him to putty powder. 
 If his stummik sickens at it, as it orfen will, there's lots 
 o' wretches by to larf him out o' feelin', cause it's 
 womanish, and he goes on until the other lies 'elpless 
 as a lump of butcher's meat, and he sees his " frends" 
 a darncing like a lot o' devils cos he's won. 
 
 Then kums the primest pleashur in existens. He sees 
 his name in print. There's nothin more deliteful to a 
 youth than this. (Well do I remember the fust time it 
 happened to me, I torsed about all nite as restliss as if 
 there was bred crums in the bed.) The sportin' papers 
 prints his name in kapetals, with hysterics at the end, 
 and sez his style in puttin' in the finisher was a reg'lar 
 touch of genius kwite beyond the reech of hart ; and 
 he gits his hed turned, fancies he's a-goin' to be champion 
 of England, throws his trade up, and, maybe, takes 
 some decint gal to wife. 
 
 Arter a bit he has anuther battl' — this time for a 
 larger steak ; but as he can't find all the money a lovin' 
 frend steps in to help him, as the papers calls " a sportin' 
 gentleman," but never lets his name appear in print. 
 And so he is a gentleman, ev'ry inch on him, right away 
 from his hoss-shoe pin down to his boots, orn unentid 
 
96 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 with fancy stitchin' in kullered silk. He's none o' them 
 as kivers up their hands in gloves because they karnt 
 afford to show a duzzen rings, and as for chane his 
 cable's big enuff to hold a steemship at her moorings. 
 He swears butiful, and he lives by riting down the 
 names of hosses in a little book — a very gentlemanly 
 occypashun, as don't leave a stane upon the fingers, or 
 sile anything that kan be seen. When this sekund 
 battle's over the lovin' frend gets nearly all the money, 
 while Greenhorn takes undisturbed possession of the 
 gloary and the knocks. This is wot they kails " Divi- 
 sion of Prophets" — -a term used in books of arithmetik 
 and other works of imagination. 
 
 Greenhorn's gettin' kwite a grate man now. He 
 krops his hare and has his portrit taken, and is much 
 vurshipped by apprentices in the koal trade. Small 
 dealers in kandles also looks upon him as a shinin' lite, 
 and sits for hours of a hevenin' watchin' of his face in 
 hopes he'll say a wurd and let 'em have a chance to 
 brag they've spoken to a fitin' man. At fust he treats 
 'em with contemp, but gettin' short o' cash he's obliged 
 to sarve 'em as his brother yeroes does. He loafs about 
 and drinks at their expens, and tosses 'em for money, 
 and if they tries to argy that he's cheatin' he knocks 'em 
 down. He makes a moddle husband too, seldom going 
 'ome till three o'clok in the mornin', and orfen sleepin' 
 on the door-step rayther than introod upon his wife and 
 baibs. 
 
 Arter a bit he wins another battl', and in korse he 
 makes a reg'lar host of frends, especially wile the little 
 money lasts that he gets from Mr. Coldblud the sportin' 
 gent. Wot a plessunt thing it is to be luv'd ! 
 
 This time he gits a helper of anuther sort. Did ye 
 ever see a Korinthian patrun ? It's a luvly site. He's 
 generally sum overgrbun baby as has jist got out of 
 turn-doun kollars and the measles, and having red the 
 life of Jerry Hawthorn and the privit memories of 
 George the Fourth, he fancies one can't be a swell 
 
PRIZE-FIGHTING. 97 
 
 unless he larns to bet, and akts as pattrun to a fitin* 
 man. So as soon as his mother lets him out o' nites, 
 he goes to sum fine sportin' house, and Mr. Landlord 
 picks him up at once, and makes a reg'lar gold-mine of 
 him. Pore young cub ! He spars with all the fitin' 
 men, as have orders not to hit him hard, and winds up 
 every lesson by standin' bumpers of shampain. It's 
 jest a kase of foolin', both on one side and the other. 
 Greenhorn thinks it pretty to be patted by a lord ; and 
 he don't mind how orfen he gits his head punched 
 when it's harf-a-crown a tap ; and the lord's as proud 
 as Lucifers to think of facin' sich a man as Greenhorn, 
 as have floored so many fellers twice 'is size ; while all 
 the time the sportin' publikin larfs at both on 'em like 
 Old Nik in a thunder-storm, and drops the golden 
 shiners in his till. 
 
 Arter a few more battles lost and won, Greenhorn 
 finds his reppytation's on the vane, and he makes one 
 larst struggle to pull hisself together. His friends ain't 
 kwite so friendly as they used to be, and the sportin' 
 publikin tells him if he doesn't win sum money he must 
 leav' the house. Also, his wife and children is starvin' 
 half their time for bred. So he puts a little money 
 down and the young Korinthian finds the rest, and 
 makes a match to fite some risin' feller as young 
 as he was when he fust begun, meanin' to win or di for 
 it, for he knows that losin' would be wus than deth. 
 
 Arter severil weeks o' trainin' the happy mornin' 
 kums, and odd enufF the railway's sure to have a train 
 runnin' to jest the spot the trav'lers wants to reach. 
 The d'rectors fancies it's a Sunday skool going out to 
 see the sun rise, so it's kwite clear they ain't anyways to 
 blame. All the nite before, the sportin' housis has bin 
 full o' lion-heartid fellers, say in' what a pretty fite it'll 
 be, Greenhorn being rayther hold, but full o' siense, 
 and the other jest as strong and lusty as a savvij bull ; 
 and little swells creeps in the dirty tap-rooms to buy 
 their tickets, getting harf choked with bad tobakky 
 
 H 
 
98 MR. SFROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 smoke and beer, and old white-headed men, once kut 
 out for better things, swaggers about the doins of their 
 youth, tells you how they and the Markis o' Slap- 
 dash used to go among the fitin' men in olden times, 
 and alius winds the story up by arskin' yer to stand 
 sum bier. 
 
 But, as I sed, the happy mornin' kums, and pretty ni 
 before the lark's up the train is on its way. You 
 couldn't have a finer site of buty if you was goin' to a 
 weddin', for as soon as you've got out of town you see 
 the sun a marchin' up the heavens in his gloary, and far 
 away on ev'ry side of yer the feelds as level as a bowlin' 
 green till they lose theirselves in hills all planted thick 
 with buddin' trees, as seems to kiss the woolly klouds ; 
 and dottid all about is farmers' houses, and tiny rivers 
 windin' like a skane of silver thred, and lanes with rows 
 of ripenin' hedges as makes yer fall into a kind 
 dreemin' at the site on 'em, and fancy that yer kourtin 
 days is kum agin, and yu're whisperin' plessunt nonsense 
 in sum pretty wench's ear, and kissin' of her nut-brown 
 cheek, till you're woke agin with a different sort o 
 whkp'rin' from the fellers in the train, and things is 
 sed that isn't worth the listenin' to, either by wimmen 
 or by men. 
 
 At last yer train stops ded, and out you skramble to 
 sum pretty grass-grown field, with the dew a tremblin' 
 on the butterkups, and a kwiet cottej chimberley 
 smokin' in the corner of it, and the larks a singin' over- 
 hed, and little children pickin' flowers, as runs away as 
 soon as they see yer comin'. " It's the sweetest place 
 in natur for a fite," sez sumbody, and then they bring 
 the ropes and steaks, and pitch the ring. 
 
 In a little time everybody's reddy to see a kumfurtable 
 fite. Most of the biggest swindlers as can be spared 
 from the convict prisons, some bettin' men and sportin' 
 publikins, dusted with jest a sprinklin' of swells and 
 any other fools that's got the money to waste, is outside 
 of che ring ; and inside, stripped for fightin', graspin' 
 
PRIZE-FIGHTING. 99 
 
 hands with one anuther, is old Greenhorn and his man, 
 and in ev'ry korner stands a sekund, with a spunge and 
 water reddy for the blood, and gentil voises, horse with 
 gin and fog, bettin' which'll draw it fust. In another 
 minnit the fat old umpire'll sing out " Time," and 
 they'll begin. 
 
 I fancies I can see anuther sight in London far away 
 — at this very minnit, too — a pore hart-broken kreetur 
 cryin' with her hungry babies, and prayin' God may 
 send her husband is the winner. Pore thing ! got 
 nothin' else to pray for but that one man may be 
 smashed instead of t'other. 
 
 I tell yer, when I thinks of these two senes in town 
 and country, and the fools and wretches for whose sake 
 it's all bin done, I dunno wich to do — to larf at Green- 
 horn or to git my wife to kry over him ; and how sich 
 things kan happen is the puzzel, as I sed at the beginnin' 
 of the chapter. Brother, who made that white flesh of 
 thian as saleable as kat's-meat, and sent these filthy 
 hucksters here to bid for it, and buy it with their gold ? 
 It would be true and valiant didst thou let it all be torn 
 asunder for a noble kause, for thy soal would fly away 
 to Heaven, when the wounds had let it out ; but O, my 
 brother, who will have that soal when its walls of flesh 
 is rent to pieces in such a kawse as this ? — et cettery. 
 
 The battle's getting very warm and plessunt now, as 
 you can heer by the screamin' round the ring. The 
 blood is spurtin' like a waterin' pot all over Greenhorn's 
 brest, and different sorts o' kullered lightnin' is flashin' 
 in the other feller's eyes. At every blow the sekunds 
 yells and rolls upon the ground with larfin', and the 
 brave onlookers nibbles sandwiches, and tells 'em 
 " never to giv in." This is what is called impartial 
 judgment, for they don't like fightin' not a bit their- 
 selves — they'd rather stand a duzzen kicks than strike 
 a blow. At larst the other feller gets a pretty knock 
 at Greenhorn, and sends him back'ards on the grass, 
 till his hed seems to dent into the earth. 
 
100 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " There never was sich a pretty fite, so orderly and 
 kumfurtabl'. Pass the beer." 
 
 "Why, surely Greenhorn's never goin' to giv in 
 with such a tap as that. They ain't been fightin' more 
 than sixty minnits. Bite his ear and hold some hice 
 upon his knob, and send him up agin." 
 
 (I fancy I can heei that woman prayin' ev'ry minnit 
 more and more. — Josef.) 
 
 " Brayvo, Greenhorn's up agin !" " Look at the old 
 fool staggerin'; he's blind. Why don't yer lead him to 
 his man ?" " That's it. Brayvo, Greenhorn ! Brayvo, 
 sumbody else !" " Did yer see that blow, sir ? wasn't 
 it a luvly touch ? seemed to smoothe the ruff parts of 
 his nose so pretty !" " Hallo ! why Greenhorn's dowr 
 agin. I'm afrade we shall lose our money, arter all." 
 
 He's done his best to win it, gentlemen — Greenhorn's 
 dead. 
 
 Let the curting drop upon the body and the broken 
 hart a prayin' God to let her take her rest beside it. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, the performance'll be repeatid 
 until further notis, as long as the Government license 
 larsts. 
 
 ON GLORIOUS WAR. 
 
 [The outbreak of the war between Austria and Prussia 
 drew general attention to the evils of the continental military 
 systems. 
 
 PVE often wondered what sort of paste they uses to 
 keep sum things in the univarse together. When our 
 chany punch-boal went to glory, a artist set it all to 
 rights agin with a few rivits and a lot of stickey stuff 
 as made the varus bits grappl' one another to their harts 
 as tight as two-day-old frends ; but when I arsked what 
 the mixter was, he giv a very superfishal kind o' wink, 
 
ON GLORIOUS WAR. 101 
 
 and sed it was a sekret of the trade granted to the chiny 
 jiners by a charter from Edward the Professor, and 
 could not be dibulged. " Very well," says I, "then 
 don't dibulge it ;" and there the matter ended. 
 
 Since that time IVe thawt both long and dieply on 
 the varus kinds o' pastes ; for it isn't only chiny punch- 
 boals, you'll obsarve, that is held together in this heer 
 kind o' way. Look at the Chinee popilation theirselves, 
 and the poor rag, tag, and bob-tail kreeturs that pre- 
 tends to govern 'em. It must be summut stronger than 
 flour and water that makes that popilation stick together 
 to be trampled on and sawn to pieces, not to speak o' 
 bein' sumtimes roastid in the way it do. (" Riz up, yer 
 Goths, and lite yer fires." — Extrack from a Fragment.) 
 Also, it's wonderful kind o' birdlime that binds people 
 into societies for shirt-buildin' at eightpence-ha'penny a- 
 day. I've heerd say that even gold-dust has to be 
 melted in the likvid that holds our grate constitootional 
 party together ; which I can well beleeve, for yew can 
 bind all sorts o' tempers and interests into union with 
 the mixter known as " Conservatif paste." 
 
 Havin' harf-an-'our to waist the other day, I took to 
 readin' of the publick prints, and I larnt to my grate 
 surprise that some of them restless furriners is kickin' 
 up another rumpus, and that over a million men is 
 bein' gently put on to bile for the purpus o' cuttin' one 
 anuther's throats. One feller writes a proclymation — 
 "To my Peoples" — (keep yer i on that "peoples" — 
 not people — reg'lar strings on 'em, like sassiges) and sez 
 he, " My brother's behaviour has bin very tempestjus," 
 he sez, " and I think he'd be all the better for a little 
 brotherly wallopin'. You've alius bin very hungry to 
 git at him," he sez, " but I wouldn't never let yer 
 before ; howsumever, I give yer leav' to sit on him now, 
 for my patience has all bin biled to rags. You have 
 every motif of honor and patrotism to make yure 
 feelins fizz ; your country has bin insulted, and yure 
 napsacks will be filled with bread and meat. So wire 
 
102 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 in, my babes, and heaven bless you ! — Guv at our City 
 of So-and-so, in the year of our Lord one thousand 
 eight hundred and sixty-six." 
 
 This is reg'lar sweetmeats to the infants aforesaid, or 
 it's what mite be called millingtary glue, for it dovetails 
 'em all together till they feels as one man. Fancy bein* 
 called " My People" by a Emperor ! " Hooray ! lead 
 us agin the hawty fo," vich is as much as to say, 
 " We're on the bile at larst." It's curus, mind yer, he's 
 wallopped them all round in this fashion with one 
 anuther's help. But I have observed the same sort of 
 patriotism in the feathered tribe when I've bin out burd- 
 catchin'. Speak softly to an old chaffinch as has bin 
 locked up half his lifetime in a cage in Seven Diles, 
 and he will decompany yew into the green fields and 
 chirrup " How 'appy are we" till he's drawn a lot of 
 his relations into the net, and made 'em pris'ners like 
 hisself, and then, when he's got 'em safe in Seven Piles 
 agin, he leaves off his gentle warble, and sez he, " I 
 never see such owdacious hidjuts as yew are in the 
 whole corse of my life," and pecks 'em. 
 
 Then the hawty fo has his turn at mixing a pot -full 
 o' proclymation paste. " Goodness gracious/' he sez, 
 at the beginnin' of his bit o' writin', " how wicked 
 some pussons is. Bein' a lamb by birth," sez he, " I 
 naterally hanker arter pease, whereas my Royal brother 
 is in favour o' nothin' but tantrums and bloodshed. 
 You will not forgit the traditions of a glorious parst," 
 he sez — (which is as much as to sey the less you think 
 about the present the better) — " leave off yer sholeder- 
 straps and tickle yer country's foe with the baggernet. 
 Yourn is a holy mission. I'm sorry to hear as sum of 
 yer are starvin', but this is a time to forgit all petty 
 differences. As for my kwarrel with the Parliment, I 
 propose a honorable compromise, which is, that I shall 
 be allowed to have my own way. Our caws is just. 
 As soon as my fether-beds and foot-warmers is ready, 
 I shall jine yew in the tented field. Ta-ta." 
 
ON GLORIOUS WAR. 103 
 
 This is famous paste, and the pore Chaubakons in 
 the country distriks likes it better than gruel. There's 
 so many big things mixed up in it, yer see — " Luv 
 of country," " Nashional destiny," " Devotion to my 
 throne and house," each on 'em bein' naterally of a 
 sticky natur' ; but, when combined, more bindin' than a 
 hook of steel. Yokel reads the proclymation, looks at 
 his thin wife, his raggid children, his own rough cloze, 
 and his miserabl' hutch of a home, and thinks he'd like 
 to be away from it, to change it all for the clean barricks, 
 a pretty uniform, and occasional musik on the trumpit. 
 Then, agin, sez a woise inside him, " It wouldn't be 
 rite to leave the aforesaid to shift for theirselves ;" but 
 another woise says, " Think of the nashional destiny 
 and yer duty to the throne." " Ah, of course," he 
 sez, " I'd nearly forgot that -," and he keeps a mutterin' 
 it over to hisself, as children whistles nigger melodies 
 in the dark to friten away the devil. " Besides," he 
 sez presently, " I'm tired of this everlastin' hat-touchin' 
 to the bigwigs of the villij. It's better to have one 
 master, and that master a man, than to be under fifty 
 old women. Have the goodness to putt my name down 
 on the list. Hooray for our country's caws !" 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha !" (Josef Sprouts a larfin'.} 
 He's soon kwite ready to leev his natif plaice. At 
 this junkter, there's now and then some highly comick 
 scenes with the wimmen, as have bin a weak-minded 
 generation ever since the fall of the earth. I red 
 a humorous akkount the other day of some on 'em 
 thro win' of theirselves underneath a railway injine as 
 was goin' to carry away their husbiands, lovyers, and 
 frends to this gloreous war, and threatenin' to get 
 crushed beneath the wheels if moved away without 'em. 
 This is called Juggernawt in Indy. — (Historikal parallel 
 communicated by a f rend.) The capting of the solegers 
 promised that if they'd only get off the rails he'd have 
 some other carridges hooked on, so as they could jump 
 into and decompany the troops. He kep his word, and 
 
104 MR. SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 
 the fresh carridges was soon filled with the dawters of 
 Heave, and the train moved off ; but it was found that 
 by some unlucky accident they'd forgot to jine the 
 wimmen's carridges to them as carried the men, and so 
 the sawfter sex was left behind at the railway-station 
 arter all. "When I read this out to Elizurbeth, she 
 enjoyed it to sich a degree that the very tears came in 
 her eyes. We're both very fond of a joke. 
 
 We've seen Chaubakon leave his natif railway-station. 
 Where is he got to by this time ? Why, he's struttin' 
 about a garrison town and dividing his time between 
 garding a empty watch-box and playin' at cards in small 
 beer-houses along with the landlord and his frends. 
 There's two parts of the purfession of soldiering — 
 namely, poetry and pipeclay : he's had his allowanse of 
 the fust in the proclymation, and he's now takin' mild 
 doses of the second several times a day. They're takin' 
 the stoop out of his back, makin' him turn his toes out, 
 teachin' him to prog with the baggonet, and, generally 
 speakin', makin' him a man. Above all, he's slowly 
 arrivin' at that hight of huming perfeckshun — not to 
 think for hisself. This is the greatest triumph of 
 scientifick kulture, as the crab said when he larnt to 
 walk backwards. 
 
 Meanwhile, Yokel from the other side (him as was 
 nabbed by the second proclymation) is marchin' in in 
 jest the same way. He's still severil hundred miles 
 apart from Chaubakon, so there's no danger of their 
 fitin' yet. He's bein' drilled into his patent manhood in 
 the same way as Chaubakon is. Yoothful officers about 
 the size of gnats is skimmin' around him, and hurtin' of 
 their delekit little throstles by bellowin' out commands ; 
 drill sarjents in tight kollars is doin' their best to make 
 him fix his gaze upon anuther and better world ; cor- 
 porals is enterin' of all his vices in a memorandum book, 
 and, having riz from the ranks theirselves, peckin' of 
 him like the Seven Diles chaffinches aforesaid ; and a 
 whole flight of newspaper correspondents, armed with 
 
ON GLORIOUS WAR. 105 
 
 oppery-glarses and soft felt hats, is takin' down his 
 pints, so that a patriotik publik can combine hot rolls 
 with instruckshun when it's a takin' of its brekfust in 
 the mornin'. " Latest news from the army ; " " Splendid 
 moral and physic of our noble troops ;" " Visit of his 
 Majesty and the Royal Princes " " Ball in the camp of 
 the Twenty-seventh Corpse, followed by fireworks ; " 
 " Arrival of the horspital staff with lint, bandages, 
 surgikal instruments, and a selekt stock of wooden 
 legs-," "Touchin' instance of forethawt ;" "A very 
 excellent effekt produced upon our veteruns by hearin' 
 of the nashional subscripshun to purvide 'em with glarse 
 eyes." 
 
 Chaubakon and Yokel moved a step nearer to one 
 anuther yesterday. The burgermaster or mare of each 
 town come out to read an address to 'em, and there was 
 a banquet in the evenin'. 
 
 What a plessunt site it is to see two hulkin' specimens 
 of butcher's meet, otherwise bullocks, bein' druv along 
 different streets of London, yet meetin' in the same 
 shambles at larst. " "Why, who'd ha' thought o' seein' 
 yoo here ?" says the Hereford to the Yorkshire ox. 
 " It was a pleasure I didn't anticipate," sez the other. 
 " I hope we shall meet agin on the hooks in the butcher's 
 shop. Good-bye for the present — I think they're a 
 waitin' to knock me down." 
 
 Chaubakon's wife is living a brisk life now he's away, 
 very favourable to the study of nature, for she has to 
 rize considerably erlier than the sun does, and she's 
 generally wide awake long after he's quenched hisself 
 in the western wave. His little children is being taught 
 habits of industry, for the two eldest ones of seven and 
 eight is out at work already, and has sum very respect- 
 abl' korns upon their hands ; also their little trousers is 
 patched about like draftboards, and their shoes is fear- 
 fully and wonderfully made. It's strange to see 'em 
 puttin' of their little horny hands togethur at bedtime 
 and pray in' and singin' hymns to the musik of the 
 
106 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 mangel, with Mrs. Chaubakon, their mamma, as or- 
 ganist ; and all for Chaubakon — all for that turnip- 
 headed country lout, a sort of speck or dot among 
 countless other turnip heads, as, ritely looked at, is merely 
 so much immaterial of war. 
 
 " Latest Noose by Telegraph. 
 " Both the armies now is close together on the field 
 of the Crimson Rag, and nothin' can save 'em both 
 from comin' to a engagement to-morrer." 
 
 The gloreus morrer dawns. The cockpit, where the 
 funny little creeturs is to fite their tussel out, is all alive 
 with fethers and britely glistenin' spurs. All nite long 
 there's bin a clatter and a bustle, fellers gallopin' here 
 and there with orders, rank and file bein' mustered in 
 their places ; doctors, wimmen, pill-boxes, and other 
 superflooities packed off to the rear. At larst the sun 
 cums up smilin', and he shines on seven or eight con- 
 tinual miles of men, some on 'em standin' boldly in the 
 open, some hid away in yaller cornfields, some planted 
 jest upon the crests of hills. Chaubakon, with his 
 regiment, is standing near that pretty orchard on the 
 right ; but where is Yokel as he's come to meet ? 
 
 Why, Yokel's a long way off from Chaubakon still. 
 Right over in the distance, yonder, you'll twig anuther 
 six or seven mile of dust, clouds, and shiftin' cullers, 
 with here and there a quiverin' streak of light ; and if 
 yew used a powerful spy-glarse yew might see Yokel 
 there, for it's the other army a waitin' to begin. 
 
 And now you know my meanin' when I pays my 
 triboot to the everlastin' power of paste. What a 
 mixter it must be as can bind these fourteen miles o' 
 huming critters of all shapes, sizes, and occypations, 
 both of soul and body, together in their present pursoot 
 of happiness ! If it hadn't bin for paste Chaubakon 
 would have still bin grovellin', like a base-born peasant, 
 in his natif fields, and Yokel 
 
 But hark ! the battle's begun ! Oh, gloreous moment! 
 
OA GLORIOUS WAR. 107 
 
 Dost thou hear yonder boom and rattle, as if the larst 
 day had cum, and the heavens was belchin' fire on saints 
 and sinners ; and rocks, and palacis, and poor men's huts 
 was ail crashing together into the kassums of the rifted 
 earth ? It is the battle, the brave battle, so gloreous 
 for our caws ! Dost thou mark yonder fan-like droves 
 of men dancin' about in smoke, and spittin' flame at one 
 another like adders in a heap of burnin' twigs ? and, far 
 away, the clash of steel on steel as countless numbers 
 charge together in the middle of the plane ? It is the 
 battle, the gloreous battle, still ! Dost thou see them 
 youngsters, who have lingered here since daybreak, 
 fretting, chafin' in the ranks like Derby hosses waitin' 
 for a start ? They sniff the gloreous battle far away, 
 and are hungerin' to be in it. Them fellers bein' carried 
 neck and heels to rearward have only jest bin there ; shall 
 we lift the kotes from off their facis and ask 'em how 
 the gloreous battle goes ? Better not ; they're lyin' 
 very kwiet, and it'll soon be time for us to go and see 
 it for ourselves. 
 
 Our turn is cum at larst, and not a bit too erly, for 
 we've been waitin' here all day. The General says we 
 aint to let that battery be taken, so forward, boys ! and 
 stab the enemy out ; never stop for loadin' — yer bag- 
 gernets will do. The calmest man among us is gettin' 
 grizzly now, for the enemy's shot is gappin' us like ill— 
 kep hedge-rows, and yew get very sweet on even surly 
 comrades when yew see 'em fall. Grate Chaubakon, 
 that lump of slack-baked clay cut out for work, for 
 heavy suppers, and for heavier sleep, is all afire now, 
 snortin' loud with rage and hate ; for a gust of wind 
 has made a rent in the smoke cloud that hangs about 
 the battery, and through it, for the first time in his life, 
 he sees the face of mortal foe — brave Yokel waitin' 
 ready to receive him. Another moment, and their 
 bonny baggernets is clashin' one upon anuther, and the 
 smoke cloud closes up agin and shuts 'em out from 
 sight. Hooray ! they're met together at larst ! 
 
108 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 O, paste, paste ! paste ! wondrus offishal paste ! Nine 
 hundred miles apart lived Chaubakon and Yokel, un- 
 knowin' each other — not so much between 'em as a 
 thawt ; yet here, through many windin' ways, you've 
 brought 'em face to face together ; and see how merrily 
 they fall to work, wastin' no more time in greetin' than 
 a pair of well-trained dawgs. 
 
 Lawful cuttin' and woundin', thou'rt a pretty art ! 
 The firm's over — the clouds has rolled away to leeward 
 — the battery's won. 
 
 Let's step inside and take a glance around. Reely, 
 the limbs and heads and eperlettes is so mixed up 
 together, sir, that it's a puzzlin' thing to find our frends. 
 Ah, there they are. " What, Yokel, man ! What, 
 Chaubakon ! Leave off grippin' one anuther's throats 
 in that spiteful fashion, lads ; the battle's over now." 
 No arnser. Well, upon my word, on lookin' some- 
 what closer at their sea-green faces in the moonlite, I 
 find they're both stone dead. 
 
 One beam of the moonlite is shinin' in a little cottage 
 four hundred miles away — shinin' on two little children, 
 prayin' with uplifted hands and eyes and harts, and 
 their mother, with her head bowed down behind 'em. 
 Her soul is also bowed, for something told her at the 
 very moment that they clasped their hands together that 
 what they're askin' for had passed beyond the reach of 
 prayer. 
 
 The gloreous battle's done. May the Power that 
 holds all men as dust grains in the hollow of his hand 
 grant it has not bin fought in vain ! Haply he that can 
 make flowers spring out of dead men's graves will draw 
 out of these square miles of gashed bodies some pre- 
 cious froot of usefulness and buty for the coming 
 time ; but let us hope it will be quite other froot than 
 they looked for that did the plowin' and the sowin' of 
 the seed ! 
 
 
CHIGNONS. 109 
 
 CHIGNONS. 
 
 [A correspondence appeared in the newspapers on the 
 impurity of the hair used in the manufacture of chignons]. 
 
 VOU may guess into what a fever all these letters 
 -*■ about chignons threw our famerly. Every mornin' I 
 used to read em with increasin' horror, until, by the 
 time I got to the end of the second column, I was in 
 that uneasy state that I felt as frightened of goin' into 
 society as if all my feller-creeturs was leapers. 
 
 What was to be dun ? Arter long refleckshun I 
 come to the conclusion that there was nothin' for it 
 but to foller the example of the House o' Parlyment 
 and stamp chignons out. It seemed to me that the 
 macheenery for the destruction of the cattle pleg would 
 do butifully for this purpus. England mite be divided 
 into distriks, each under a Government inspector, which 
 should have the power to forbid all suspected chignons 
 moving from one parish to another, and to order all 
 sich whose characters wouldn't bear investigation to be 
 instantly destroyed. 
 
 I mentioned the idee to Sarum, and he liked it much. 
 But, sez he, " Property is a sacred thing, Mr. Sprouts. 
 How about compensation to the owners of the slaugh- 
 tered chignons ?" 
 
 In less than a hour I was ringin' the bell at Benja- 
 min's door. 
 
 I walked into the study and found the old 'un sittin' 
 alone weepin'. What strange contrasts there is in life ! 
 " I didn't think I had toiled and toiled for this," he sez, 
 holdin' up a newspaper. " The editor of Gamp's Mes- 
 senger says the ' resolutions' is perfeckly intelligible. 
 What a insult ! oh dear, oh dear !" 
 
110 MR. SIROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 I mentioned my plan to him. 
 
 "It'll never do, Joe," he sez, shakin' his head. 
 " The Radekals has took it into their heads to revise 
 the Constitootion ; there'll be no more compensation for 
 none on us this side o' the grave ; and if we was to 
 propose it there'd be sure to be some one sayin' it was 
 agin the dictates of perlitekal economy ; besides, the 
 hair question and the land question is two very different 
 things." 
 
 " Couldn't you put a clause in the new bill to punish 
 all boroughs wearin' chignons by disfranchisement, or 
 offer the vote to wimmen on condition of their leavin' 
 'em off?" sez I. 
 
 He said it would hardly do. In fack he wished me 
 good mornin'. 
 
 I went 'ome determined to deal with the monster as 
 a privit pusson. The fust thing I did was to establish a 
 strict kwarantine in my own home, so I posted a notis over 
 the bell-pull that " all feemales wearin' chignons visitin' 
 this house is requested to scrape their shoes, and to 
 leave their artificial 'air on the mat." 
 
 But we had two of the accursed things in the house 
 — Betsy's and Martha the servant gal's ; for Palmyra 
 was out of town. I burnt the gal's instantly, and paid 
 her two-and-fippence compensation, which she said was 
 the cost price of the article, includin' the stuffin' and 
 the net. It was made of auburn horsehair, and died 
 uncommon hard. 
 
 Interval for refreshment. What's the difference be- 
 tween a man's beard and a lady's back hair ? One's 
 on the chin and the other's the chin-on (chignon). 
 This hardly cost me a effort. 
 
 But how to get at Betsy's ? That was the problem. 
 How to rob the tiger of her young ; how to gather the 
 honey while the bees was in the hive. As luck would 
 have it, Brockey had come to visit me that afternoon. 
 Under pretence of going in the stabel to look at Neddy, 
 we talked it over ; and, at last, the two, or rayther the 
 
CHIGNONS. Ill 
 
 three on us together, hit upon a plan for disinfectin' 
 Elizabeth's chignon ; for the poor beast seemed to 
 interest himself in it with a sagacity beyond his years, 
 as if he felt that if this horrid fashion wos kept up, his 
 own time-honoured mane wouldn't be safe. 
 
 I sent Brockey out for some chimikals, and to borrow 
 the loan of a mikroscope, and when he came back we 
 went in doors and sit there all the evenin', till at last 
 Martha, arter closin' the shutters, went to bed, but 
 Betsy remained, lookin' very uncomfortable at Brockey, 
 as if she thought it was time for him to depart. 
 
 M Are you goin' to stay here all night, Mr. Sprouts ?" 
 she sez, when it had struck a quarter to twelve. 
 
 " No," sez I, " but I have sum bizness to settle with 
 Brockey, Mrs. Sprouts — perlitekal business." 
 
 " Drat your bizniss," sez she, " I shall go to bed." 
 
 She went. We sit quiet for above an hour and 
 smoked, till at last there was a dead quietness in the 
 house, as if everybody was fast asleep. " The hour is 
 come," sez Brockey. 
 
 I opened the door sauftly, took the tongs in my hand, 
 and stole up stairs to my bedroom. I wonder how it 
 is that stairs creak so when you disturb 'em late at night. 
 
 Betsy was asleep, dreamin' of mantles, and mutterin' 
 from time to time, as if she was havin' a quarrel with a 
 linendraper. Her things was scattered about the room 
 in graceful confusion ; here was a embroidered fall, 
 there a corpulent pair of boots ; a bonnet was restin' 
 on the mantelpiece, and on the drawers stood a chignon 
 made of the best yeller Burlake's hair, as big as a half- 
 quartern loaf — her chignon— 2^ chignon. 
 
 I seized it with the tongs, and the 'ateful thing seemed 
 to know what was goin' to happen to it, for one or two 
 of the hairs broke loose and curled uppards as if in 
 fright. I took it down stairs. Brockey was ready to 
 receive me. 
 
 He had fetched the roastin'-jack from the kitchin and 
 fixed it on the mantelpiece, and in a instant we had the 
 
112 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 chignon tied to the chain, and turnin' round slowly 
 before a well-built fire. We then prepared to baste it 
 with the follerin' chemical solution, warranted to carry 
 death and destrucktion to every livin' thing that sips it. 
 A pint of Thames water, a wine-glass full o' Cape 
 Sherry, a haporth o' milk, a little real French brandy 
 at one and eight, a small piece of a London pork-pie, 
 Joz. home-made pepper (Lambeth weight), a little 
 popular sweetstuff, a box of patent pills, and sum 
 genuine pickles. Caution to the public. None war- 
 rantid unless stamped with our name and address. 
 
 While the chignon was a-roastin' we sit and smoked, 
 Brockey bastin' it from time to time. Two o'clock 
 struck from a neighbourin' edifis — still we basted and 
 smoked ; a quarter-past, half-past, a quarter to three, 
 and then another hour was called. 
 
 " I should think it's about done now," sez Brockey, 
 pausin' with the ladle in his hand. 
 
 " No," sez I fiercely. " Give it another hour. It's 
 still anythink but tender in the middle. Baste on. 
 Whatever is worth doin' is worth doin' well." 
 
 As soon as four struck, the chignon seemed done to 
 a turn, and we took it down and carefully dried it, and 
 by this time it had turned a venerable grey. It's won- 
 derful how sensitif the hair is to trouble ! 
 
 After this we tied it to a hook in the ceilin', took 
 our seats underneath, and set to a-smokin' of it like a 
 ham. 
 
 We smoked and talked for a long time, till at last 
 Brockey dropped asleep, and I sit lookin' at him a little 
 while, till a sort of drowsiness come over me, my pipe 
 fell from my hand, and I, too, was in the land of 
 dreams. 
 
 How long I had been dreamin' I don't know, but 
 suddintly I was awoke by a dreadful shriek, and Betsy 
 stood before me in a loose kind o' dress, starin' up at 
 the chignon and ringin' of her hands. 
 
 " Ruined ! ruined ! ruined !" sez she -, " and sich a 
 
THE WHITEBAIT DINNER. 113 
 
 butiful match as never was. Oh, you thrice-dyed 
 villins !" she sez to me and Brockey, which was also 
 wide awake ; and she ran to the fireplace and seized 
 the tongs. 
 
 " Salve hey poo? sez I to Brockey. We waited for 
 no more, but risin' hastily, we darted through the open 
 door and fled to the stable, where we passed the re- 
 mainder of the nite on sum hay. 
 
 It appears that Elizurbeth had woke, and, not findin' 
 me, she had uttered a exclymation of surprize, and was 
 jest goin* off to sleep agin when her eye fell upon the 
 drawers and she missed the chignon. Concloodin' 
 that somethin' serius had happened, she made her way 
 downstairs, and fell upon us in the manner described. 
 There was sum vilent things said next day, but what 
 cared I ? — my house was pure. 
 
 THE WHITEBAIT DINNER. 
 
 [The dinner of the Conservative Cabinet at Greenwich 
 in 1866.] 
 
 IV/rY life has bin a checkered up and down sort o' 
 ^■*- thing, as full of lights and shadders as a draft 
 board. I was born in a four-roomed cottij without a 
 washus, yet I've lived in Belgriv-square : and when I 
 got rid of the fortin as was left me, and all seemed lost, 
 I was invitid to occupy a nest wich Ben and a few of 
 the more venerable birds of the Conservatif party had 
 built for me as soon as they heard of my misfortin. 
 Epsom laid the fust twig hisself — may he never moult 
 a feather ! — and there I've roostid very comfortable ever 
 since. As Benjamin said, " Do good to the landed 
 interest in the time of your youth, Mr. Sprouts, and 
 it'll return to yer after many days." 
 
 1 
 
114 MR. SPROUTS EIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 And it has returned to me : Tve never wantid clothes 
 nor vittles since fust they took me up. I've had the 
 honour o' bein' appointed loan agent at one of their 
 contested eleckshuns, and if the presint riots had con- 
 tinued I should have received high command in the 
 special constables ; then, I enjoys the friendship of the 
 editor of one of the largest — p'raps the largest — daily 
 paper in the world ; and I takes my beer every night 
 with his principal contributor, and carries him up to 
 bed arter he's writ his artikle ; and on Saturday last I 
 eat whitebait with the Ministers at Mr. Quartermaine's, 
 the Ship, off Greenwich Pier. 
 
 The way it happened was this : I made a call on my 
 friend the Home Sekketerry the other day to see if 
 sumthing couldn't be done for the young feller as writ 
 the report of the meetin' at the Agricultural Hall, which 
 appeared in Gamp's Messenger on Toosday last : and 
 havin' effected my objeck, I thanked the Sekketerry, and 
 was about to go away when he pulled out of his pocket 
 a carefully-sealed letter addressed to me, wich ran in 
 these tarms : — 
 
 " The Earl of Epsom's compliments to Mr. Sprouts, and 
 he and his colleagues would feel honoured by Mr. Sprouts' 
 company to dinner at Greenwich on Saturday next. 
 
 " Whitebait." 
 
 " Why, what's the meanin' o' this ?" sez I, as soon 
 as I'd read it—" I ain't a colleague of Epsom's, much 
 less one of the Ministers." 
 
 " I beg yer pardon," sez Walpul, " you are what we 
 calls a Minister without portfolio, and as sich entitled 
 to be presint at our customary whitebait feast." 
 
 " But what is whitebait ?" I sez. 
 
 " Whitebait," sez the Minister, " is a spechy of sprat. 
 It is not so large as that useful animal, but it is more 
 delicious. It is fried in lard, and is very much respectid 
 by the landed interest." 
 
 " But," sez I, agin, " I almost think I'd better keep 
 
THE WHITEBAIT DINNER. 115 
 
 away; I reely do. What will the editor of the 
 Messenger say to it ? I shall never have the fase to 
 look him in the fase agin." 
 
 " The editor of the Messenger has not bin forgotten, 
 Mr. Sprouts," sez he, " hisself and his feller missionaries 
 will be treated to a supper of sprats hot from the 
 gridiron in the very same tavern where we takes our 
 reparst." 
 
 This satisfied me, and after sheddin' a tear with the 
 Sekketerry — our custom alius of an arternoon — I took 
 my leaf, and promised to jine 'em on the appointed day. 
 
 Well, as soon as Saturday came round I went down 
 to Westminster, and, sure enuff, there they was all 
 assembled to the number of some forty-three, and I was 
 presented to them as didn't know me in proper form. 
 Arter a little friendly chat, we debarked on one of the 
 Citizen steamboats, the very same on which I've fetched 
 up many a load of winkles in days gone by ; and off 
 we steamed for Greenwich. The fust ten minutes was 
 dull — it alius is till you've got used to the motion of the 
 bote, but when we'd got past London Bridge we'd all 
 settled down into our places, and all went merry as the 
 movements of a grig. Me and Benja nin and the First 
 Lord of the Admiralty had clambered up on one of the 
 paddleboxes, where we could see everybody and every- 
 body could see us. Cranborne was a-tryin' to get up a 
 quarrel about navigation with the man at the wheel, 
 and the Woods and Forests had retired to the cabin of 
 the vessel to write a ode on the properties of the steam- 
 tug. The Home Sekketerry went abaft watchin' the 
 moisture comin' out of the steam-pipe ; Epsom was on 
 the bridge along with the capting, takin' his advice 
 about the best method of keepin' clear of shoals ; and 
 his child was seated on the binnacle, as good as gold, 
 readin' the instruckshuns for the game of correspon- 
 dence in the " Boys' Own Book." The rest was 
 dispersed about the bote. The War Sekketerry bein' 
 out of temper okkypide a paddle-box to hisself, where 
 
116 MR, SPROUTS HIb OPINIONS. 
 
 
 he kep up a continyual groul till we got alongside of 
 Greenwich Pier. 
 
 As soon as we entered the Ship the fust thing we see 
 was the " door list," with the names and addresses ot 
 all the people as was goin' to have their dinner there 
 that day ; and this was how it run : — 
 
 " Henry Blankington, Esq. The Ellums, Blackheath 
 Park. 6." 
 
 "Her Majesty's Ministers and Mr. Sprouts. 7. 30." 
 
 Then up sidled the manager, bowin' like the man 
 that takes the money in the Marionette show, and we 
 follered him upstairs ; and when we got to the second 
 flight, there, sure enuff, was sich a blaze of glory as 
 yew don't orfen see outside of Cremorne. In each of 
 the corners of the large room was a little table laid out 
 most graceful with knik knackeries and flowers, and in 
 the middle was a kind of hoss-shoe shape, with about 
 forty chairs aiound it — (I once red a Arabian story with 
 exactly forty people in it) — and loaded with solid silver 
 dishes, full of pineapples and grapes and grapes and 
 pineapples in butiful konfusion. The view from the 
 winders was magnifisent ; to the right on us was the 
 venerable hospital, filled with weather-beaten sailors, a 
 nussin' of their wooden legs ; and to the left, Schultz's 
 photographic studio, a wooden structure of the early 
 settlers' order of architecture, and, beyond that, ships 
 and pleasure-boats a-ridin' on the bosom of the coppery 
 Thames completed the prospeck. We took our seats 
 without any sort of order, except that Epsom placed 
 hisself at the bend of the hoss-shoe, and I got as near 
 as I possibly could to Benjamin and the Home Sekke- 
 terry, almost the only people I really vally in this vale 
 of tears. The eatin' was good ; but the whitebait was 
 a deloosion, my share of the plunder bein' nothing but 
 five tiny little critters, which was simply sprats not yet 
 arrived at years of discretion. However, I made up 
 for it with other things, and by the time the cloth was 
 removed I felt on the very best of terms with myself 
 
THE WHITEBAIT DINNER. 117 
 
 and everybody about me. There was a bit of a bother, 
 owin' to one of the waiters arskin' Adderley if he 
 would take a little jugged Eyre, though there was no 
 mention of it in the bill ; but on the manager comin' 
 forward the matter was very comfortably settled by the 
 feller receivin' a instant discharge, he bein' a Radikal as 
 had somehow crept in by mistake, like a earwig into 
 one of the Wimbledon tents. 
 
 Arter " The Queen and the Royal Family" and " The 
 Constitootion and Sir Richard Mayne," Epsom riz, 
 with a very beamin' eye, to propose " Our noble 
 selves." " My goodniss," sez he, " only to think how 
 little conneckshun there was between us and whitebait 
 this time larst year, and then to look at us, surroundid 
 as we are with the loaves and fishes now. And bear in 
 mind, gentlemen," he sez, " we have got these fishes 
 and them loaves, not by seekin' arter 'em, but by sittin' 
 patient on the sea shore and whistlin' while they quietly 
 swum into our nets. (Cheers.) For my part," he sez, 
 " I would rayther have had a quiet heron' any day ; 
 but then what was I to do ? I couldn't abear the patient 
 look in your uncomplainin' faces meekly arskin' me for 
 whitebait every time the season come round, and arskin' 
 me in vain. (Applaus.J Proud as I am to see yer all," 
 he sez, " I should have bin prouder to have seen certain 
 parties as might ha' bin takin' their glarse along with us 
 if they'd understood their books — I mean the dwellers 
 in the Kave. (Cheers.) But I piped to 'em, gentlemen, 
 and they would not darnce. (Thumpin'.) The only 
 fault I've got to find with yew, on the contrairy, is that 
 you darnce too much. I have obsarved onhappy 
 divisions among yer, short a time as we have bin 
 together •, Malmesbury has bin anything but good- 
 natured to my little boy ; and Peel and Cranborne's 
 treatment of Walpul simply bekos he fell into the error 
 of indulgin' in a drop too much has bin very hurtful to 
 my feelins. Gentlemen, that Sekketerry is a honor to 
 his sex. He has developed noo buties in our Consti- 
 
118 MR. SPROUTS EIS OPINIONS. 
 
 tootion by showin' how it can elevate a perleeseman 
 into a lawyer. I might go on to extend that praise to 
 everyone on yer ; but I'm sure I could say nothing on 
 that subjek that you haven't already said to yourselves. 
 But I must make one excepshun — my frend, our frend — 
 Josef Sprouts." (Thunders of applaus.) " That name," 
 he sez, " is enough to put a edge upon the vokal organs 
 of the most smooth-tongued chief. Joe," he sez- fondly 
 — " yes, I may call him Joe — our Joe — is a self-raised 
 man ; his history ought to be a lessen to every aspirin' 
 youth that, however unfavourable may be a man's early 
 cirkumstances, it is impossible for destiny to chain him 
 down to winkles aginst his will. I shall say no more ; 
 forgive this fulness. I call upon you to drink the toast 
 I have given, kuppling with it the health of the gentle- 
 man I have named." (Tremendus cheerin.) 
 
 My reply was brief, but exhaustiv' — I shall not give 
 it. I wound up by proposin' " The Heads of Depart- 
 ments," which was very appropriately responded to by 
 the Woods and Forrests. 
 
 Arter that, some one called on Benjamin for a speech, 
 but he sed he should prefer to show 'em a magical trick, 
 commonly known as " The surplus and deficit puzzle, 
 or Gladstone's defeat." It consisted of puttin' fourpence 
 in terminable annuities into a hat borrowed from one of 
 the company, shakin' 'em up, and cryin' out " Presto !" 
 and then in the twinklin' of an eye bring out a bran new 
 thrippenny bit. "There's no deception, gentlemen," 
 sez Ben, a shakin' of his cuffs, " the surplus is gone. 
 It's the quickness of the hand deceives the eye ;" and he 
 sit down amid a puff eck storm of apprybation. 
 
 The War Sekketerry had bin watchin' this with a 
 very envious snigger, and it was hardly over before he 
 offered to show 'em a very ingenius thing with a 
 common domestick table-knife; fust you put a new 
 handle to it, and then a new blade, and when that was 
 over yew had a thoroughly converted implement at not 
 more than half as much agin as the cost of a bran new 
 
THE WHITEBAIT DINNER. 119 
 
 weapon from the cutler's shop. "The slite additional 
 cost, gentlemen, " he sez, " is the price we pay for the 
 ingenooity of the convarsion." He was much con- 
 gratulated. 
 
 When order was sumwhat restored, and the hat and 
 knife had bin returned to their owners, up riz Adderley, 
 glarse in hand, and sez he, " The toast I have now the 
 honor to propose, gentlemen, is that of the British Army, 
 couplin' with it the name of Marshal Law. (Cheers.) 
 My frend is unhappily absent from England at the pre- 
 sent time," he sez, " havin' been lately stayin' in Jamaky, 
 but he has bin sent for, and we expect him every mail. 
 We had hoped," he sez, " to have seen him before this 
 ridin' in Hyde Park on his old familiar high hoss ; but 
 we was disappointed, partly owin' to some strange 
 prejudice agin him on the part of the army — which we 
 hope to remove — and partly owin' to the unreasonin' 
 violence of the English people, who alius have a strange 
 fancy for illegally detainin' railins whenever he appears. 
 (Groans.) There is some consolation, however, gentle- 
 men, in knowin' that the Marshal is alius safe under the 
 protecting shield of the British House of Commons — 
 (loud cheers) — that House whose glory it has ever bin 
 to defend the oppressed agin the oppressor, and to see 
 that righteousness and judgment go hand-in-hand." 
 (Three times three, Kentish fire, etsettery, and more 
 wine ordered up on the spur of the moment.) 
 
 A recitation from the Earl of Epsom — " The Hoss 
 Chesnut and the Chesnut Hoss." 
 
 An interval for conversashun. Cranborne told Ben- 
 jamin he couldn't understand the business of the Indy 
 Department — it seemed to be all rupee. " Ah," sez 
 Benjamin, " you'll take away the R before you've done 
 with it, Robert, mark my words." 
 
 Another feat of agility. Imparshal letter written in 
 six languages by the Earl of Epsom's child handed 
 round for inspecshun. (N.B. All done after orfis hours 
 and with a common magnum-bony pen.) 
 
120 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 ; 
 
 Then we ordered up sum more wine, and the fun 
 grew fast and furious, with jest and song and cuttin' 
 jibes. Benjamin played some variations on his fork , 
 Epsom give us another recitation ; and Naas tried a 
 Irish jig, though not with perfeck suksess, owin' to his 
 not havin' recovered the effects of the rollin' of the 
 vessel ; and then we all began to turn our faces home- 
 ward, and departed for the bote. Somebody remarked 
 that the Lord President walked with decidedly a Buck- 
 ingham gait ; but he was not the only one. Howsum- 
 ever, we all got very comfortably aboard, and off we 
 steamed, feelin' considerable easier in our minds than 
 when we started. The First Lord of the Admiralty 
 would insist on takin' command of the vessel, and as it 
 was considered best to humour him he was allowed to 
 do so. Then, as we skidded through the darkness 
 come the soft strains, " In this old chair," arranged as 
 a glee, and sung by Cairns and Chelmsford and Bovill, 
 seated in the cabin — Chelmsford leadin'. Sentimental 
 singin' is not Cairns's fort— his face ain't made for it. 
 The Home Sekketerry was full of sperrits, and run 
 about makin' his jokes at everybody's expense, and we 
 was in the midst of life and fun when the bote went 
 full butt on to a snag, that shook us all in a very sickly 
 way, and sent the Admiral's hat over by the board, and 
 it sunk to rise no more. Epsom comin' up out of the 
 cabin behind a big cigar, was met by Walpul, who 
 wouldn't throw away this chance of havin' a fling at his 
 old enemy who was sittin' on the taffrail most bitterly 
 ringin' his hands. "He, he, he," sez he, "here's 
 Pakington bin and lost his hat." " Better than losin' 
 his head, Mr. W. — better than losin' his head," says 
 Epsom, like a flash of lightnin', and the pore old feller 
 was so cut up at this sudden visitation that he retired 
 to the after part of the vessel, and I see him no more. 
 However, twenty new hats was offered to Pakington in 
 the twinklin' of a eye, and then I observed a singular 
 natural phenomenon — he took the first that came at 
 
THE TRADES' DEMONSTRATION. 121 
 
 random, and it fitted him ; for why, bekos the heads of 
 this Administration is all precisely of the same size 
 (short sixes). 
 
 We got to Westminster stairs without any further 
 mishap, and arter much hand-shakin' parted with a very 
 erly appointment to meet agin. I riz somewhat late 
 en the morrer, but it was not idleness — it was iced 
 punch. 
 
 THE TRADES' DEMONSTRATION. 
 
 [The first of the great London Trades' Demonstrations 
 for Reform took place on the 3rd December, 1866. Before 
 that day many ill-founded apprehensions as to the results of 
 the demonstration, and the aims of those who took part in it, 
 were expressed in certain quarters.] 
 
 *npHIS is a famous time for statistiks. We have returns 
 •*- of all kinds, from the number of runs, stops, and 
 byes of all the cricket-matches of the season to the 
 number of babies born with a kast in their eye ; but 
 there is one more I should very much like to see, and 
 that is a return of all the Tories that is sorry they didn't 
 pass the Reform Bill of 1 866. Ever since that unfortnit 
 measure was smothered, our party's bin kind o' sleepin' 
 on bread crumbs, and has never known a moment's 
 quiet repose. There has bin fireworks everywhere — 
 in Birmingham, in Leeds, in Manchester and Glasgow, 
 in Edinburgh and Dublin, and now they've bin a lettin' 
 of 'em off in London. Alas ! feller workin' men, if you 
 goes on in this rampagious way 'ow can you expect the 
 world to last till 1868 ? 
 
 Direckly Walpul heerd of the comin' flaie-up of these 
 pizonous Trades' Unions, he sent round the follerin' 
 circular to a few frends of the good old cause : — 
 
122 MB. SPROUTS BIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 " Downing-street, Nov. the 5th. 
 « Sir, — Your attendance is rekwested at a experience meetin' 
 of the frends of the Tory party, to be held in the Little 
 Swimmin' Bath, Davis-street, Portman-square, on the tenth 
 instant. Tickits, including tea and cake, sixpence a piece, 
 with appropriate musick on the organ — harmonium, and other 
 amoosements. Yours kindly, 
 
 "A. W." 
 
 I flew down to the Baths, and got there jest as tea 
 was over, and found the manager of one of our most 
 poppylar tea-gardings on his legs. He said he was 
 prepared to sacrifice everythink for safety, like the man 
 pursood by the bear ; but at the same time they must 
 excuse him if he parted with what was least vallyable 
 fust — namely, his word. (Hoorays.) 
 
 He was follered by the editor of the Weathercock, 
 who gave a drawing-room entertainment called " Vicey 
 Versey ; or, Ringin' the Changes.'* It was very simple. 
 He produced a sheet of common writin'-paper, on which 
 was painted five specks of black ; he then touched em 
 with his quill, and they instantly became as white 
 as milk ; after which he turned some white spots into 
 black ones in the same way. But it was remarked that 
 he was more sukcessful in blackenin' white cullers than 
 in whitenin' black ones. 
 
 The editor o' Gamp's Messenger sent a excuse. He 
 was bizzy havin' some coals in, but he wished well to 
 the cause. 
 
 After a few earnest, thoughtful, and logikal remarks 
 from the editor of the largest daily paper in the world, 
 for which he made no other charge than his cab fare, 
 there was a call for 
 
 Sprouts, who said it was idle to go on talkin' and 
 plannin' unless they knowed what their enemies was a 
 goin' to do. What was wanted was somebody to go as 
 a spy into their meetins and find it all out. Who'd 
 volunteer? He had some connection with the press. 
 
THE TRADES' DEMONSTRATION. 123 
 
 One press man was worth two volunteers. He'd go 
 hisself. (Wild dancin', and cries of " Saved.") 
 
 The day arter this I went down in disguise to the 
 meetin' of the Trades' Council. I was very respektably 
 dressed, but I couldn't help feelin' a little nervous, for 
 I knew that on the slightest suspicion as to my indem- 
 nity these pizonous beins would have put me inside 
 a can of gunpowder and blowed me into sawdust in 
 their usual way. When I got to the house I walked 
 down a long passij with a fierce expression on my face, 
 as if I lived on babies, and this carried me parst the 
 fust warder on guard all right. I then come to a flight 
 o' steps which led into a big vault, like a magnified coal- 
 cellar, with cells all round, where all the poor beins 
 that had refused to strike for an extry threea'pence an 
 hour was confined in chains. At the end of this vault 
 was another long passij, and at the end of this a dore, 
 guarded by a ferocious tailor, who loudly demanded 
 the password. 
 
 " Guy Fox," sez I. 
 
 " Kim in," sez he, and in another instant I stood face 
 to face with the secret Council of the Trades. 
 
 They was so bizzy discussin' when I got in that they 
 didn't notice me, so I meekly sit down upon a barrel of 
 gunpowder, and soon learnt all about their proceedins 
 on the comin' 3rd of December. All was to be fair 
 and kwiet till they got possession of Hyde Park ; they 
 was to advance along Piccadilly singin' hymns and 
 smilin' at the perleesemen, each man carryin' a sprig of 
 olive in his right hand, a common domestick poker up 
 his sleeve, and a box o' congreves in his pocket ; but as 
 soon as they got inside the inclosure the sprigs of olive 
 was to be thrown away and the pokers was to be brought 
 out, and at the same time the bands was to strike up 
 the "Drawback" and other revolutionary toons to 
 hound 'em on to destruction. Detachmints was then 
 to hurry off and capter the Tower, Hodges' Distillery, 
 Barclay, Perkins, and Co.'s Entire and Fine Ales, the 
 
124 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 . 
 
 Thames Tunnel, and other points of importance. Then 
 the National Gallery, the Strand Musick Hall, and the 
 statty in Lester-sqware was to be blown up with 
 paraffine, and the Coal Hole and Waterloo Bridge, and 
 all other places where the publick is excluded from 
 enterin' by a fee, was to be burnt, and their hashes 
 scattered to the winds •, arter which the leadin' members 
 of the Council was to draw lots in a hat as to who 
 should be proclaimed Emperor o' London. At the 
 same time, all the principal tradesmen was to be sus- 
 pended in payment outside their own doors, preference 
 bein' given to sich as had anythink down in their books 
 agin the friends of the poppylar cause. When I heerd 
 of this last regilation I must say I was very near jining 
 'em, for I can't see no other way of settlin' some of the 
 pussons as is continyally fancyin' I owe 'em money, 
 except by hangin' of 'em up. 
 
 I hurried off to Government with the news, and then 
 this curius fact came out, that, arter all our talk, we 
 hadn't got the force to put 'em down if they was dis- 
 posed to be rampagious. What was to be done ? Of 
 course they all fell to quarrellin' among theirselves, 
 that bein' the best way o' savin' a sinkin' ship. Ben 
 said he wished that Cranborn had never come of age, 
 and Cranborn called Ben a relick of a faded parst : 
 until I stepped in and purposed that Government should 
 keep on denyin' the Reformers everythink they asked 
 for, until p'raps at last they'd be starved out and give it 
 up altogether ; or else they should offer 'em Primrose 
 Hill, bekos accordin' to the charakter of 'em given by 
 some of the noosepapers, them as went there would be 
 sure to be attracted by the gymnasium, and get givin' 
 one another swings and play at roundabouts till they 
 forgot all about Reform, and the few as did remember 
 it would be too winded by the time they got to the top 
 of the hill to waste their breath in argyments and 
 speechis. 
 
 Well, they took my adwice, but findin' the creeturs 
 
THE TRADES DEMONSTRATION. 125 
 
 still persevered, we was in a rare quandary, till luckily 
 they asked Ranelay to let 'em have his grounds. " Let 
 'em have 'em by all means," sez I, " we must play 
 sumthing, and it's about the only trump now left in our 
 hands." You all knows what follered. By the bye, 
 that was a capital joke of Ranelay 's about the wall 
 poles. It ought to be a answer to everybody as talks 
 about Reform ; it shows what stuff our governin' 
 classes is made of. 
 
 I had sevril seats offered me at the varus clubs on 
 Monday, but I deklined 'em all. I thought it was better 
 to wander about like a bird or a bee, and twig the 
 behayviour of the crowd. The fust place I went to 
 was the Mall. There was certainly a great number of 
 well-dressed pussons in the ranks there, and they was 
 also orderly, though that was their cunnin' ; but as the 
 editor of the largest daily paper in the world remarked 
 to me, most on 'em showed their indifference to Reform 
 by eatin' apples while they was a-waiting for the pro- 
 cession to start. " These signs, Mr. Sprouts," he sez, 
 "lyin' as they does beneath the surfice, speaks more to 
 the practised eye than all the banners and all the 
 speeches." And I told him " Yes." We then walked 
 out into Waterloo-place, and presintly the head of the 
 procession made its way towards us. I'm not goin' to 
 deny but what it was pretty, and the brass bands 
 sounded well ; but that's all them Radekals has got to 
 boast of, for when you tries 'em at argymint you finds 
 'em very shaky on their legs. For instant, there was a 
 very vilent pusson near me screamin' with grate joy as 
 trade arter trade hev in sight, till I reely begun to feel 
 sorry for him, and sez I : 
 
 " Are you in favour of Reform, young feller ?" 
 
 " I am," sez he. 
 
 " But don't yer think it is a pity," sez I, " for a man 
 to lose a day's work in tryin' to promote it, when he 
 might be puttin' of the same into the mouth of his 
 hungry wife and babes ?" 
 
126 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 He was silent for a long time, as if sum change was 
 a-goin' on in his system, and then he took his pipe from 
 his mouth and said silently, " Thank yew, sir-, there 
 is nothink like contack with a origernal mind. I con- 
 fess I had never looked at it in that light afore. Ah," 
 he sed, " if them words had only bin spoke to me at 
 sum earlier period of my hist'ry, I might have bin a 
 Markwis now." 
 
 I'm glad I thought of this argyment — it's one of two 
 with which you're sure to floor every Reformer. If he 
 goes to demonstrations, sez you, " What a sin it is to 
 take the money away from your wife and babes !" and 
 if he don't go sez you, "What's the vally of Reform 
 when you won't even spend upon it so much as the 
 price of a day's work ?" It is a safe argyment, particy- 
 larly sooted for parlour entertainments at the houses of 
 the nobilerty and gentry. 
 
 There was a old gentleman with spektekles on a 
 standing near me, and he kep fidgettin' about so that I 
 felt sure he was uneasy in his mind, and I couldn't help 
 speakin' a word of comfort to him. " Do you feel 
 kindly towards Reform demonstrations, sir ?" sez I. 
 
 "No, sir," he sez, "I have very strong objections 
 to 'em — frenologekal objections, sir," he sez, pullin' off 
 his hat and slappin' a splendid pair of temples. " All 
 the pussons that takes part in 'em seems to have sich 
 very low brows." 
 
 " But," sez I, pintin' to a hossman who was pullin' 
 off his hat to the Reform Club, " yonder cavaleer seems 
 to have a magnificent forhead." 
 
 " He has shaved for it, sir," he sez — "he has shaved 
 for it. It is scarcely posserble to git anythink like a 
 brow under a ten-pound rental," he continnied, puttin' 
 on his hat, " and yet they demand manhood suffrige 
 and the ballot." 
 
 I hope that none of the papers '11 use this argyment, 
 bekos it's copy rite. By the advise of the editor of the 
 Messenger, I've had it entered at Stationers' 'All. 
 
THE TRADES DEMONSTRATION. 127 
 
 It was melankoly to look at the faces of the perlice 
 while the procession was a goin' by. Their okkypation 
 was gone ; they looked like a mother-in-law the day 
 the new wife comes into the house. One on 'em as I 
 had known in happier times come up to me, unbuckled 
 his truncheon from his side, and placed it in my 
 hand. 
 
 " Here, take it," Mr. Sprouts," he sez, " take it. It 
 has always tasted blood on demonstration days, but 
 
 now " and he put his richly-dekorated cuff up to 
 
 his face, and wiped away a tear that would have done 
 credit to the Eye Infirmary. 
 
 " We have bin betrayed, Mr. Sprouts," said another 
 active and intelligent orfiser. " Beyond pullin' the hair 
 of a few boys, these hands have done nothink to earn 
 their livin' all this blessed day. The service is a goin' 
 to the devil." 
 
 And now squadron arter squadron hurried past us 
 with their banners : True Britons and Seamen, and 
 Tailors and Bricklayers, and Foresters and Painters, and 
 Odd Fellows and Old Friends — some of em playin' the 
 most insultin' toons. There was labour a defyin' o' 
 capital, and capital not allowed to throw a stone. It 
 was a sad sight. 
 
 " We're not to be intimmydated by numbers," said a 
 scornful bottled-beer merchant, a stampin' of his foot, 
 as the standard of the Corkcutters came in view. 
 
 But the band swep proudly by, playin', " When we 
 went out a shootin'," and the brave feller's protest was 
 lost upon the crowd. 
 
 I had hoped that the day would parse away without 
 any vilense done to anybody's feelins ; but it was not to 
 be, for while the Shoemakers was a goin 5 by, a ill- 
 mannered creetur among 'em fixed his eye on me, and 
 sez he, " How d'ye do, Sprouts ? I should feel obliged if 
 you could pay me the money for them shiny boots you 
 ordered for the Lord Mayor's dinner." It was a most 
 unseasonable remark, for I was standin' anions a lot of 
 
128 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 capitalists at the time, and they began to look as if they 
 thought I had bin a deceivin' of 'em. 
 
 " Sum people is very rude, sir, especially demmy- 
 crats," sez a very respectable-lookin' man, in a white 
 aprin, who was standin' at my elber. 
 
 "They are indeed," sez I, touched by the feelin' 
 tones in which he spoke. " But how is it you are not 
 marchin' along with the procession ?" 
 
 " Bekos," he sez, " sir, I am agin their principles. I 
 have suffered greatly. I am a poor and a numble man. 
 I have bin out of work twelve years, and durin' that 
 time my wife and famerly has scarcely tasted food, but 
 I am no leveler." 
 
 "Dear me," said the editor of Gamp, pullin' out his 
 note-book, " what a interestin' case. You are indeed a 
 moddle that ought to be held up for imitation. And is 
 it possible that you have never repined at your lot ?" 
 
 "No, sir," sed the mechanick proudly, "I 'ope I 
 know my dooty to my superiors better than that. I 
 have never knowed what symperthy was till now, sir," 
 he continued, " and I will show you that, poor as I am, 
 I can be grateful for it. Do you want to buy the tickit 
 for a watch ?" 
 
 The editor of the Messenger closed his book, and 
 soon arter the procession closed itself, and we went 
 'ome. 
 
 How it all parsed off without any disturbance I can't 
 think, but p'raps they found out at the last moment that 
 we'd discovered their plans. It is pleasin' to know, 
 howsumever, that ample means was took agin a risin*. 
 As soon as the slightest alarm had bin given, the lids of 
 all the coal-cellars in Waterloo-place would ha' bin 
 removed, and a perleeseman would ha' sprung out of 
 every hole, The horse of the Dook o' Wellington at 
 High Park Corner was full on 'em, and so was the one 
 in Lester-skware, and severil cartloads of straw was 
 kep movin' along the line of route, with a full-blooded 
 orfiser in every truss. If this had not been enuff sum 
 
MR DOULTOJSTS MEETING. 129 
 
 Sikh soldiers would ha' bin sent for, bekos " they'll go 
 anywhere and do anythink at the biddin' of their 
 orfisers," and our own fellers can't alius be relied on to 
 the same extent. 
 
 MR. DOULTON'S MEETING. 
 
 [Mr. Doulton, one of the members for Lambeth, wishing 
 to give an account of his Parliamentary stewardship, invited 
 his constituents to meet him in a hall at Walworth. The 
 meeting was held amid great confusion, for many persons 
 thought that an attempt had been made to pack the hall with 
 Mr. Doulton's supporters.] 
 
 " TOSEF," says the deservin' member for Lambeth to 
 J me the other day — I mean our member, not the 
 other one — "Josef," he sez, " we must have a meetin' 
 of our supporters — a publick meetin'. Everybody's 
 havin' meetins now. In fack, no party is compleat 
 without 'em." 
 
 " Yes, sir," I sez, (He is the only man in these 
 relms that I calls " Sir." I'm obliged to do it — there 
 is a darin' about him that faskinates me.) 
 
 " And I should like you to take the manijment of 
 it," sez he. 
 
 " Yes, sir," sez I agin. 
 
 " Make it," he sez, soarin' uppards with his hand — 
 " make it a n:odel meetin'. Ourn is a newly-invented 
 party — we must also have newly-invented meetins. 
 Don't let it be too publick," he sez ; " I alius feel as if 
 I was sittin' in a draft when I'm attendin' a publick 
 meetin' ; and be sure that you don't keep any pusson 
 out that is well disposed towards me bekos he happens 
 to be unfortunit in life. Heavin forbid," he added, 
 with grate feelin', " that the poorest taller-chandler 
 that serves my house with candles should be preventid 
 from givin' a independent verdick on my public con- 
 ic 
 
130 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 duck bekos he happens to wear a greasy coat. Let all 
 my tradesmen come," he sed, growin' more intense 
 every moment ; " also my gallant factory boys, and if 
 you sees any other deservin' pusson that would like to 
 meet me, but is kep away from motifs of delicasy, lend 
 him five pounds." 
 
 " But how am I to git the money, my lord ?" I sez. 
 (It's astonishin' how one's respeck keeps risin' for that 
 man the longer one sits in his kumpany — he takes sich 
 origernal views of things.) 
 
 " Ah ! I forgot that," sez he. " It's to be a spon- 
 taneous tribute to my publick conduck, of course. 
 Well, I shan't give you no money, but if you choose to 
 go and take some out of that bag inside my writin'- 
 desk, why, it's no bizniss of mine. We will call it the 
 spontaneous fund," he sez, smilin', " and you may go to 
 it as often as you like ; only lay it out well." 
 
 " Your Highness may rely upon me," sez I. "I 
 pledge my word to " 
 
 " Don't give no pledges, Joe," he sez, with a sickly 
 smile ; " pledges is such binding things on the con- 
 science that they keeps a uprite man in a continyal state 
 of anxiety to fulfil 'em. No," he sez, " I do not wish 
 any independent pusson that comes down to support 
 me to be bound by a pledge — not even a temperance 
 pledge," he added, puttin' a little more sugar in his 
 whisky. 
 
 And this is the man they akkuse of kruelty to animals. 
 
 Soon arter that I went away. My fust duty was to 
 find a hall to fill ; the second, to find the people to fil] 
 it. I scampered all over the town, and looked at severil 
 halls. ' Some was too big — we wanted a snug place ; 
 some had no reserved seats — and we wanted a good 
 many o' them. One where they held meetins for the 
 propagation of truth wouldn't take us in for some 
 unakountable reason ; and we was a day too late for 
 another, as the " Sersiety for the Abolition of Stupidity" 
 had engaged it the day before j the sekkyterry of the 
 
MR. DOULTOJSTS MEETING. 131 
 
 sersiety was very civel, and wanted to give a lektur' on 
 my life and times, but I couldn't wait. At larst, up in 
 the wilds of Walworth, I found a splendid little retreat 
 to let, and I took it for Thursday night. 
 
 u May I ask for what purpus' you wants it, sir ?" 
 sez the sekkyterry, as soon as I had paid the deposit- 
 money. 
 
 " A lectur' by Mr. Stafford," sez I. (This was the 
 dark to Doulton's attorney.) And he rote it down 
 in his book. You see every think dependid on keeping 
 the objeck of the meetin' quiet, or we should have had 
 a ugly rush of Lib'rals as soon as the doors was opened, 
 and no room for the deservin' poor with tickits ; and 
 yet I should be obliged to advertise it too, bekos it was 
 a publick meeting. How to keep a publick meetin' 
 privit', that was the problim. 
 
 I then hurried off to the printer, and ordered the 
 tickits and the bills, with the notis of the meetin', and 
 he promised to have some on 'em ready in a couple of 
 hours. Some of his men, with all the rash impulsifness 
 of bill-stickers, wanted to begin plasterin' 'em over the 
 town as soon as they was reddy. But " No," sez I, 
 " plenty o' time to post 'em on the night of the meetin' ; 
 that'll be quite notis enuff ; the stars never makes their 
 appearance till darkness sets in — why should we try to 
 be wiser than them?" Also I sez, "When they are 
 posted do not get coverin' every publick boarding with 
 'em in your ushel vain-glorious way, but carry 'em, like 
 the other blessins o' knowledge, into the shadiest places 
 — railway-arches, for instant — and if you sees a de- 
 serted coal-barge that seems to be pinin' for companion- 
 ship, plant one there -," and they said they would. I 
 waited for the tickits, and took 'em away with me at 
 once. 
 
 Somehow or other, quiet as the meetin' had been 
 kept, the news of it got about among the frends of the 
 party, for as soon as I got home I found the follerin' 
 letter a-waitin' for me on the dresser — 
 
132 ME. SfHOUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " St. Martin's-lane. 
 
 "Nathaniel Langham's compliments to Mr. Sprouts, anc 
 he has a few unconverted frends who would like to attenc 
 the meetin' on Thursday next. Weight from eight stone to 
 twelve. They feel that their mission is to stem the tide of 
 demokrisy. Bell's Life to be stakeholder. 
 
 " Sparrin' as usual in the big room every Saturday and 
 Monday night. — So no more at present from yours truly, 
 
 " ioth December/' 
 
 I hurried off to St. Martin's-lane immejutly arter 
 supper, and was intryduced to Nathaniel's friends. 
 They was sittin' round the fire smokin', in deep thawt, 
 and they welcomed me with a modist grunt, for they 
 are men of very few words. One was studyin' Alum's 
 " Constitootional History," another was cryin' over the 
 poems of Edgar Poe, a third was knittin' a pair o' braces 
 as a birthday present for his father, and a fourth was 
 larnin' Jarman, so that he might be able to read " Faust," 
 as he had took a likin' to that tragedy bekos it was 
 spelt so much like " Fist." By a curious coinsidence 
 all on 'em had fallen downstairs in infansy and hurt 
 their noses, but they was strong-faced-lookin' men. I 
 was pleased to see that none of 'em wore high for- 
 heads, which is getting very common now that the 
 Radekals has took to 'em. In fack, high forheads is 
 low. Instid of them, they had kind of double-breasted 
 heads, with a bump on each side and a dent in the 
 middle. 
 
 " They don't look very lively at presint," sez Na- 
 thaniel, pintin' to 'em with his fist, "but they'll be all 
 right when they're shook. There's plenty o' talent 
 in 'em, but it kind o' sinks down, and they're nothin' 
 till they're stirred." 
 
 I advarnced to one on 'em and give him a gentle 
 shake, whereupon he roused hisself, and, openin' a 
 lovely little green eye, prepaired to listen. 
 
 " I'm a-goin' to speak to you about a very important 
 matter, my frend," sez I. " What is your prinserples ?" 
 
MR. DOULTONS MEETING. 133 
 
 "Ten shillins for the evenin', and my beer," he 
 sez. 
 
 " Thank you," says I. " Are you addicted to the 
 ballinse of power, the just claims of property and 
 intelligence, the welfare of the House of Lords, the 
 preservation of the Establishment in Ireland, a well- 
 dijested skeme of Reform, church rates, short leases, 
 and Sikh soldiers ?" 
 
 He said he was, but a good deal depended on the 
 beer. 
 
 Arter this highly satisfactory arnser I give 'em tickets 
 all round, and floo off to Lambeth to the dwellins of 
 the deservin' poor. I found em anxious to come if 
 they could only be pervided with their cab fare, which 
 I pervided them at once. One virtuous clean old man, 
 in pertickler, was very eager. " I should like to be 
 presint, and sacrifise my hat in the cause by tossin' it in 
 the air," he sez ; " but there will be no merrit in sacri- 
 fising this one," he added, pintin' to a battered beaver 
 that he was usin' as a coal-scuttle, "and I have no 
 other." 
 
 I at once gave him the money for one of Christie's 
 best, and then I went off home. The next day was 
 spent in selectin' the men from the factory at Lambeth 
 — a very ticklish job ; but the manijer said he thought 
 he knew where to put his hand on the right ones, and 
 I left it to him. 
 
 And now the glorius Thursday, the day of the 
 meeting, dawned. I was up betimes, and darted off to 
 order sum banners with appropriat motters, and to 
 distribbit the remainder of the tickits for the reserved 
 seats ; and towards nightfall I ordered and sent out the 
 gay billstickers to post up the publik notis of the 
 meetin'. They posted 'em well, and there was no 
 excuse for the Lib'rals to complane'as they didn't know 
 of what was a-goin' to take place. At least twenty was 
 stuck up under the Adelfy Arches. Two was on the 
 statty in Lester-sqware, and each of our supporters was 
 
134 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 asked to take one and make it as publick as he could 
 without distressin' of hisself. 
 
 The hour of six now approached (the meetin' had 
 been called at sevin to suit the convenience o' the 
 workin' classes), and a privit door was thrown open to 
 admit the tickit-holders to the reserved seats. It was 
 guarded by perleesemen, and the enlightened public 
 passed in butifully in the follering order : — 
 
 Me. 
 
 A few of the deservin' poor (well sorted). 
 
 Pottery lambs, with their fugleman. 
 
 Banners breathin' defiance. " Cave Canem" (Beware 
 
 of the Cane) ; " Please to Remember the Grotto," 
 
 et cettery. 
 
 Independent tradesmen who supply the hon. member 
 
 with coals, bread, candles, et cettery. 
 
 The Waiter that wrote to the Editor of the Advertiser 
 
 to tell him he'd bin hit by a fallin' star in 
 
 Shoe-lane. 
 
 Nathaniel Langham's Chickings, all in deer-stalkers' hats. 
 
 A few respectable people. 
 
 By the time we got comfortably seated, the front 
 dores was thrown open to the general publick, and then 
 in rushed the turbulint demokrisy in much larger num- 
 bers than I expectid, considerin' the time they had to 
 find it out. And of course some on 'em begun to 
 grumble bekos they had only standin' room, and not 
 enuf o' that— as if the place could be all reserved seats. 
 At length, punktilly at the hour of seven, the hon, 
 member for Lambeth walked upon the platform, and 
 his appearance was the signal for one of the most 
 enthoosiastic demonstrations I ever had the pleasure to 
 twig. 
 
 The fugleman of the pottery boys waved his stick 
 three times, and immejutly arter the third stroke each of 
 his gallant followers removed the baccy from his mouth 
 and shouted out " Hooraw." At the same time the 
 
MR. DOULTONS MEETING. 135 
 
 twelve chickings of Nathaniel uttered the same pleasin' 
 sound. I skreamed it, the deservin' poor bellered it, 
 and the independent tradesmen roared it out at the top 
 of their voises, and banged their umbrellies on the floor. 
 So far so good ; but as soon as we paused for wind, 
 the Radekal demons in the background began sich a 
 screamin' and hissin' that the place was like a saucepan 
 full o' snakes, and the hon. member threw a witherin' 
 look upon me which I shall never forgit. At the same 
 time one on 'em held aloft a banner with " Ecco Homo" 
 upon it, and in vain we arnsered em with " Cave Canem," 
 and shook a stick at 'em. They didn't seem to mind it 
 a bit. Then we tried to appeal to their feelins with 
 " Please to Remember the Grotto," but it was all in 
 vain. They kicked up sich a tremenjus rumpus that 
 I was oblijed to order our fellers to do sumthing for 
 their money, so they took to the cheerin' again, and 
 amidst it all stood the honourable member as upright 
 as one of his own dealins, openin' and shuttin' of his 
 mouth, but without sendin' forth any sound that could 
 he heard, like a live mack'rel on a fishmonger's slab. 
 At last, after severil eforts to speak with his tongue, he 
 give that up and took to the tips of his fingers, deliverin' 
 the follerin' butiful speech in the deaf and dumb alfabet, 
 as taught in the woodcuts of the Family Herald. 
 
 " Elektors and non-elektors of the borough of Lam- 
 beth — If there is one thing more deliteful than another 
 to the feelins of a member o' Parlyment, it is to meet 
 his constituents in this manner for the purpose of tran- 
 quil discussion, and consekwently household suffrige 
 must be a bad thing, becos it will only add fifty voters 
 to the borough of Lambeth. (Here the old man rushed 
 forward, as agreed on, tossed his hat in the air, and 
 seized the member's hand, but it was the old hat arter 
 all, and so the demonstration was rayther a damp one — 
 the old villin.) Universal suffrige must be bad, for 
 look at the effecks of it in Ameriky, where it has made 
 a lot of common people one of the strongest and most 
 
136 MR. SPROUTS HIS 0FIN10NS. 
 
 prospirous nations in the world. Let there be a full 
 and fair representation of all classes, say I. (Here the 
 pottery boys hissed, owin' to a mistake in the signals.) 
 The House of the Commons havin' villified the people, 
 the people has turned round and bullied the House of 
 Commons — sich is the injustis of this world. (Groans 
 from the tickit-holders, also a faint sort of hiccup from 
 Nathaniel's chikkings, but they was poor tools at ap- 
 plause ; and Radical yells and cries.) I am sure that 
 the workin' men I am now addressin' are not the same 
 as them that walked to Bewfort House. It is evident, 
 therefor', that the great body of the members of the 
 Trades' Unions approves of my votes. (Yells.) Pardon 
 me if I am too severely thoughtful, but I alius reason 
 in this way, and I will now conclude, hopin' you are 
 well, as it leaves me at presint." 
 
 During the whole of this address our party had con- 
 tinued screamin' with grate liveliness, but they was 
 much upset by a vulgar Radekal person, who looked as 
 if he had come up to the Cattle Show, and who direckly 
 he entered the room sit down, leant his head upon his 
 hands, closed his eyes, and for three-quarters of an 
 hour kep up a uninterrupted boo-oo-oo-ing like a 
 tortered bull. I looks upon him as havin' give the 
 death-blow to the meetin'. 
 
 Arter the address a lively party went through varius 
 expressif movements, like a goblin in a pantymine. It 
 was easy to see what he meant. " That this meetin' 
 havin' seen Mr. Doulton's speech, desires to express its 
 puffeck confidence in him." (Grate uproar.) It was 
 sekonded in the same way, and the chairman havin' bin 
 found hidin' under a form, he was dragged out and 
 carried unanimously along with the ressylution. 
 
 Mr. Doulton returned thanks through a speakin* 
 trumpit, and arter promising to meet 'em again at 
 Phillips's, where Brutus saw the ghost o' Cesar, he left, 
 surroundid by the chikkings — and got in a cab. Owin J 
 to the way in which he was smuggled into the vehicle, 
 
M Y REFORM BILL. 137 
 
 the people outside fansied he was a criminal of destink- 
 tion, and chased him all the way home. As for me. I 
 left my regiment to its fate, and retired to a lonely eel- 
 pie-house, where I sit for the rest of the evenin' musin* 
 on my favourit' theme — the ruin of the Constitootion. 
 
 I have since heerd that the Radekals actilly got 
 possession of the platform arter we left, and passed 
 resolutions, cuttin' of us up in the very hall we had 
 paid the rent for. For once, then, I have bin defeated, 
 but I will meet them again at Phillips's. Till then, 
 farewell. 
 
 Josef Sprouts. 
 
 P.S. — Do not spell my Christin name with a " ph," 
 as you sumtimes do. It looks ridiculus. 
 
 MY REFORM BILL. 
 
 [Between the sessions of 1866 and 1867 Reform was 
 discussed with great animation. There was much speculation 
 as to the probability of the Conservative Cabinet's introducing 
 a measure, and many amusing "safeguards" and "balances" 
 were suggested as the only possible provisions of a satisfactory 
 Bill.] 
 
 A T larst I am sumbody ; at larst I have realised the 
 -^- great dream of my life, and can write F.S.A.S. 
 arter my name, I have bekome a member of a sersiety 
 — the Sersiety for the Abolition of Stupidity. 
 
 Our sersiety consists of a president, a sekkiterry, a 
 assistant sekkiterry, sum voluntary contributions, and 
 twelve fellers. I'm one of the fellers. The bizniss of 
 the assistant sekkiterry is to receive postage stamps and 
 sich-like triboots of respeck from the public. As soon 
 as he comes in the mornin' he opens the letters, and 
 arter helpin' himself to what he requires, he hands the 
 
188 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS 
 
 remainder to the sekkiterry, who does the same. The 
 surplus is then handed in to the treasurer, who orders 
 lunch with it. The bizniss of the fellers is to hunt up 
 cases of stupidity and abolish 'em. It is a grate idea ! 
 
 " Our constant anxiety," said the sekkiterry in his 
 fust letter to me, "is to git new members, and in 
 choosin' 'em we act on the prinserple of settin' a thief 
 to catch a thief. Reformed thieves makes the best 
 thief-catchers, and by the same token reformed stupids 
 is the only pussons as can nose out stupidity in all its 
 varius disguises. Your writins have attracted the 
 earnest attention of the sersiety. Reform and jine us." 
 
 I was pleased with the invitation, for it seemed to 
 answer a question I had often put to myself — namely, 
 as to what I was fit for. At one time I fancied it was 
 the Church, and I got a place as sexton in the City to 
 Little St. Thomas Apostle, Bow-lane. But there was 
 nothing to do — nobody wouldn't come to be decently 
 interred, and at last I was obliged to dig the fellers up 
 that had bin buried careless, and bury 'em over agin, 
 till my frends persuaded me I was hidin' myself under 
 a bushel, and I give it up. Then I tried the law, and 
 for a time I was a ticket-porter in Gray's-inn-square, 
 until the excitement begun to tell upon my iron frame- 
 work, and I was forced to resign. I have bin in several 
 things since that, but nothing seems to suit me so well 
 as abolishin' stupidity, for in that purfession there's 
 plenty o' variety and never any scarcity of work. 
 
 As soon as I jined, we issued invitations to her 
 Majesty's Ministers, but they wasn't responded to so 
 warm as I could have hoped, for Benjamin's watchful 
 eye seemed to sniff danger afar off. " I don't like the 
 name, Josef," he sez -, "I suspects it's only another of 
 them disreputable dodges for underminin' the welfare of 
 our party which is so common now-a-days." Stanley 
 seemed inclined to come among us until Epsom heerd 
 of it, and sez he to him, " What," he sez, " you young 
 villin ! would yer strike your poor old father ?" and so 
 
MY REFORM BILL. 139 
 
 we lost the child. Howsumever, we've some good 
 names — the member for Guildford is with us hart and 
 soal, and we've lately caught a Greek professor. 
 
 One of the chief reasons of the sersiety in askin' me 
 to jine was to help 'em in drawing up a Reform Bill, a 
 bill drawn up on the platform of the sersiety — namely, 
 the abolition of stupidity from all share in perlitekal 
 power. Benjamin's Reform Bill, brought in and arter- 
 wards kicked out severil years ago, tried to do this arter 
 a fashion ; but it didn't recognise the abolition of 
 stupidity as a prinserple, and consekwently it failed ; but 
 there's no reason why our party shouldn't try again, for 
 why the abolition of stupidity should be the exclusif 
 privilege of the Radekals I never could understand. 
 But to resoom. As soon as I got the order for a 
 Reform Bill, I set to work upon it with my coat off, 
 and, arter due consultation with Betsy, I tinkered up 
 the follerin' in four-and-twenty hours, and read it to 
 the sersiety at their weekly meetin'. There was severil 
 friends of the Conservatif cause invited as visiters, and 
 allowed to take part in the discussion. 
 
 THE BILL. 
 
 The two grand divisions of most Reform Bills is 
 enfranchisement and the redistribution of seats. To this 
 I would add a third— namely, disfranchisement, which 
 is ekally important, for if you give something in one 
 quarter and do not take sumthing away in another, 
 where is the balance of the Constitution ? This is a very 
 elementary prinserple in mechaniks, and yet most f rends 
 of the workin' classes seems to objeck to it. 
 
 Enfranchisement is of two kinds — personal and social. 
 Personal enfranchisement is the enfranchisement of 
 persons. I don't know what social enfranchisement is, 
 but I thought I'd put it in for a change. 
 
 1st. As to personal enfranchisement. I perpose to 
 give a vote to all persons over six foot high, or to all 
 bodies of five persons whose united heights amounts to 
 
140 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 twenty-six foot ten inches, of sound mind, able to read 
 and write. As Purfessor Blackie sez, " it is a law of" 
 (somebody) " that cannot be kontryvened that the high 
 should rule the low." Chang would have four votes all 
 to hisself, as a slight incouridgement to his parents. 
 All pussons above eight foot high to vote as often as 
 they please. 
 
 2nd. All pupils of Banting, and all pussons that 
 cannot get through the turnstiles at Waterloo Bridge, 
 to have a vote. The grate defeck of all the Radekal 
 Reform Bills is that they don't purvide for what is 
 called " lateral extension." There is plenty of skeems 
 for downward extension, but they would only result in 
 conferrin' a monoperly of the franchise on persons that 
 have long legs ; and one of our great objeks is to 
 pervide agin the domination of a klass. 
 
 It may seem that I have paid too much attention to 
 meer flesh and blood in this, but any one acquainted 
 with the fillersofical prinserples of our Constitootion 
 will see that my plan is strickly accordin' to reason and 
 old-established rool. The grate buty o* Conservatism 
 is that it has alius kep' up the intimit connection between 
 mind and matter ; it has shown that 50/. in counties 
 and 10/. in burrows is alius found united with simpli- 
 serty of manners and grate perlitekal virtue. But if 
 these two things goes in company with pounds o' gold, 
 why not also with pounds o' flesh ? Why not, in fack, 
 slightly rather more so, seein' that a man may lose his 
 riches, but not even the tyranny of the Many can 
 deprive him of his fat ? Besides, there is a sobriety, a 
 steadyness, a absence of the wish to fly, about fat men, 
 and they often have a steak in the country, and arter 
 they have eaten it they feel more than ever bound to 
 the soil. 
 
 3. All men with one wooden leg to have one vote for 
 burrows. 
 
 " Let us represent other things besides hands and 
 labour." — Blackie. 
 
M Y REFORM BILL, 141 
 
 4. All men with a cork leg to have both a burrow 
 and county vote. 
 
 A cork leg indikates superior thoughtfulness and care, 
 for it is a very expensif thing to buy. Also, it rekwires 
 a knolledge of the world, for it is very liable to git out 
 of order. In fack, a man with a cork leg may be said 
 to have given hostages to fortune. 
 
 5. All Siamese twins to have a vote, bekos two heads 
 is better than one. 
 
 6. All pussons who can pass the follerin' examinashun 
 in history : — 
 
 Who fell upon who and slew him ? 
 
 In what reign was the statty in Lester-sqware re- 
 stored ? 
 
 Who signed what, and why did he do it ? 
 
 Give the list of all the monarchs of England since the 
 Conquist, and their principal weaknesses. 
 
 Was it to be expectid that King William would have 
 behaved otherwise ? 
 
 Who led the pure Caucashian race from Hounsditch 
 to Westminster ? 
 
 7. The follerin' to have votes : — 
 The staff of Gamp's Messenger. 
 The staff of the Worm. 
 
 The staff of the evenin' paper that has the largest 
 circulation arter all the other papers that has the largest 
 circulation is withdrawn. 
 
 All these three papers, bein' what the Amerikans call 
 " sound on the goose," is to form a union under the 
 name of the Union of Shoe-lane, and is to have a special 
 representatif all to theirselves. 
 
 Seckshun Two. 
 
 We now comes to a very difficult part of the subjeck 
 — namely, plurality of votes. The objeck of a plurality 
 of votes is to prevent the tyranny o' numbers and the 
 domination of one class over anuther. As, for instant, 
 there is considerable more dustmen in London than there 
 
142 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS 
 
 ^on 
 
 is doll's-eye makers ; also, there is more dustmen than 
 wise men in the same city. Yet, if all the doll's-eye 
 makers, and all the other fellers, was to unite, their in- 
 fluence would quite overpower that of the dust of ages 
 in the nashional counsels. But if each dustman was to 
 have one vote and three-qwarters for every one vote of 
 the danjerous classes on the other side, he'd be able to 
 larf to scorn the power of man, and the venerable dust 
 int'rest would still be as thick as ever in the House of 
 Commons. This doesn't only apply to dustmen, it 
 applies to several other useful classes, sich as Greek 
 professors, fightin' parsons, and all them people as have 
 a good bit of intellijence and very little property, or 
 plenty of property and very little intellijence. It ought 
 never to be forgot that the constant endeavour of the 
 House o' Lords is to do away with the exclusif repre- 
 sentashon of classes, and we ought to help 'em. There- 
 fore, be it enakted that all the follerin' pussons shall 
 have the privilege of votin' frekwently, and all the 
 pussons not mentioned here shall vote as seldom as they 
 alius did. 
 
 1. All Queen's Counsellors resident in the Temple. 
 This is partly doo to the abilities of Garth in havin' 
 
 got hisself into a mess sooner arter his eleckshun than 
 any other member o' Parliment on rekord, and partly to 
 a kindly feelin' of pity I have alius had for the Devil 
 from my tenderest years — for it is only fair that a 
 pusson who has sich large int'rests at stake outside the 
 House should have his advokates within it. 
 
 2. All aged wimmen. 
 
 One of the wust signs of the presint time is the desire 
 to stifle the woise of the representatifs of this class in 
 Parliment, and to limit their number. And yet how few 
 of us know a grandmother's feelins ! Betsy is highly in 
 favor o' this clause. In fack, it was partly for the sake 
 o' gettin' a little kwiet sleep in my bed at nite time that 
 I put it in. 
 
 3. All workmen with an account at Coutts's, all 
 
MY REFORM BILL. 143 
 
 certificated agrikultural labourers of fifty years' standing 
 and all sich as are desolit and afflicted. 
 
 Redistribution of Seats. 
 
 I have very little to say on this subjeck, except, 
 perhaps, that Mr. Lowe should move a little nearer to 
 Mr. Disraely, and that Lord Cranborn should be allowed 
 to sit in a sawfter place. The more one looks attentif 
 at both sides of the 'Ouse, the more one bekomes sartin 
 that what is mostly wanted is a redistribution o' brains, 
 but that is a problem for the futur. I shall bring in 
 another bill for disfranchisement by-and-by. 
 
 I have now done. If what I have here sketched out 
 should be found useful in calmin' passions, in extin- 
 guishin' jealousies, in reconcilin' liberty with law, and 
 everybody with both — if it should prove instrumentle 
 in keepin' up the blessins of that gloreus constitution 
 under which Brand wrote and Gordon swung — if it 
 should presaive yet a little longer from the iron grasp of 
 Madame Toosaud those venerable Aggers whose policy 
 has made Ireland what she is and England what she 
 didn't ought to be — in a word, if it should tend to make 
 permanent that desirable state o' things by which wealth, 
 edication, refinement, and all the blessins of freedom is 
 so generally diffused, no one will feel more trooly 
 elektrified than, 
 
 Josef Sprouts. 
 
144 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 MRS. SPROUTS AT THE OAKS. 
 
 I T 1 HIS here story was to ha' bin partly rit by Betsy, 
 which I was to be the editor of it. This editin' is 
 something like pealin' pertaters. The force o' natur 
 gives the original stuff, and then comes Mr. Editor vith 
 his pruning hook, and skrapes off the outside skin, and 
 picks out the hies, and makes it fit to be dished up to 
 tabel for Christin people. There's a deal o' viggur in 
 Betsy's style o' writin' ; but she's wantin' in grace. Her 
 akkount of a slite difference of opinyun she 'ad with 
 the wife of a tin merchant is forltless,.but when she 
 kums to the finer feelins of the sole, she don't make yer 
 hart kwiver as it ort for to do ; but then, as Lord Bakin 
 observes, them touchis wants genius, vich means wearin' 
 long hare and keepin' yerself thin about the waste ; and 
 she lost all charnce of makin' herself a name in literatoor 
 d'rekly she parsed nine stone nine ; so, arfter all, I was 
 obliged to do the best part of the work myself. 
 
 But to resoom. The vehicle that stood at our dore 
 in Collyflour-alley on the mornin' of Friday might have 
 giv a thrub to the hart of the proudest nobel of the 
 land. Two of the portiest beasts — my Neddy and a 
 neighbourin' donkey — stood in the sharfts chafing of 
 their bits and poreing over the earth beneeth their feet — 
 leastways, Neddy was in the sharfts and the other was 
 tenderly attached to 'em in front by some tracis made 
 out of a bran-new cloze line. Their heads was deccy- 
 rated with rosets got up for my dauter's weddin', and 
 the rest of their pussons was kivered with a few incon- 
 siderate trifles, sich as a peel o' bells, and as menny 
 morsels of harniss as we could scrape together. 
 
 In the barrer, which had bin enlarged for the purpus, 
 sit a regular beaver of the fair dauters of Ingland. They 
 
MRS. SPROUTS AT THE OAKS. 145 
 
 was packed pretty clos, and when they all got out at 
 the end of the jurney they looked like a box of damaged 
 figs, but as they sit there before startin', dressed out in 
 all the kullers of the raimber, my hart swelled to be' old 
 em. Fust was my darter, Amealy, a sportif young 
 thing, with a face as round as a happel and as red. 
 She was the only one of the party as had got anything 
 like a waste to speak of, the rest on 'em beginnin' broad 
 at the sholeders and keepin' just the same thickness all 
 the way down. She could darnce, she could sing, and 
 as for talk and sperrits she was jest as lively as a two- 
 year-old monkey, a young parrit, and a chirpin black- 
 bird all put in a pie together. Next to her was a staid 
 sort of feemail, dressed in a pilot coat and bluchers, as 
 kep a stall for mareen produse at a fish markit on the 
 banks of the Temze. Her name was Cox, and she was 
 beknown for alius speakin' her mind. Then come a 
 gushin' young thing of about fifty winters, as had just 
 made a runaway match with a milkman of the name of 
 Kiddle, and was afraid her mother would never forgiv 
 her. He had stole her at brake of day from her father's 
 manshun, and she took sich a time to hist into the van 
 that her parent, as vos vealthy, was alarmed and startid 
 in pursoot in a light coal-waggin that happened to be 
 parsin'. 'Owsumever, the milkman, as was resolute, 
 put on a spurt when they got in site of the church, and 
 beat him by a kupple of lampposts, and shortly arfter 
 led her blushin' (she was always blushing to the halter. 
 This made the old man spiteful, and he disinherited her, 
 leavin' his property to the Sersiety for* the Prevenshun of 
 Vice, and the milkman findin' she wasn't an airess arter 
 all, treated her with grate cruilty, frekwently beatin' her 
 favourit' kow in front of the parley winders and refusin' 
 to carry their frugil reparst to the bakehouse on a Sun- 
 day, besides givin' all the cracklin' to the kat when the 
 dinner consistid of pawk. 
 
 Wedged in between Mrs. Cox and Mrs. Kiddle, to 
 keep 'em from jammin' together in the ruff parts of the 
 
 L 
 
146 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 road, was Miss Skraggs, a young woman born some 
 few years before the repeel of the korn lors, and dissa- 
 pinted in luv about the time when bloo tale kotes and 
 buttons went out, giving up her lover bekos he went to 
 a cock-fite, after vich he took to dissypashun to drive 
 away the demon of remawce, and died from the effecks 
 of a collision with a koal barge on the river after a 
 carouse on gingur wine. Since then she's kep his 
 portrit, dressed in darncin' pumps and kerseymere 
 smalls, in her buzzum, varying the amoosement with 
 the reading of peoetry and bonnet-bilding, according to 
 the laws of supply and demand, and the dictates of her 
 conshunse. 
 
 The larst to git in was Betsy, kwite in the fashion, 
 and lookin' like a paintin' from a bit of pottery ware in 
 the British Museum. She had sold her crinerline and 
 bought a bonnet like a perleeseman's helmet with the 
 money, also a bottel of lite die for the hair ; the top of 
 her hed was frizzed like the foam on a mug of pawter, 
 and she had some stikky stuff on her face, called the 
 Barm of Buty. All this was kwite unbeknown to me, 
 and if we hadn't bin in a hurry for startin' I'd ha' made 
 her take it every bit off agin, for besides the jeerin' of 
 the boys, Mrs. Cox and Mrs. Kiddle looked at her very 
 evil, as also Miss Skraggs, ketchin' my dawter's hi ; and 
 by their affekshunate way o' beginnin' to tork to her, I 
 knowed as something spiteful was in the wind. 
 
 u Mind how you come, dear" sez Mrs. Kiddle, 
 " and don't sit down on the ginger-beer bottles, for if 
 anything was to happen to yer at your time o' life we 
 should never forgiv ourselves." 
 
 " "What made yer kiver yerself up in them there rags, 
 Betsy ?" sez old Mrs. Cox ; " you'd better tie her 
 down with a tarpaulin, Josef, for she'll be blown away 
 into the river if we gets anything of a breeze." 
 
 " Lor, Mrs, Cox," sez Miss Skraggs, " one 'ud think 
 you was spiteful if one didn't know you was the best- 
 harted kreetur alive. Kum and sit over here, Mrs. 
 
MRS. SPROUTS AT TEE OAKS. 147 
 
 Sprouts, dear, and take my umbrelly, for the sun can do 
 vot he likes with my complection." 
 
 And then they all looked straight before em without 
 moving a muskal of their facis. Oh deer ! oh deer ! 
 wot onsarchabF beins wimmen is. 
 
 Arter that we started, but we'd hardly got a kwarter 
 of a mile before Neddy took to gallopin' very onsartin, 
 lifting himself up now and then as if he was tryin' to 
 darnce in the air ; and at larst, in spite of repeatid taps 
 from the tittivatur, layin' down in the mud and refusin' 
 to go a step farther. It turned out, after all, that the 
 wates wasn't balanced to pleese him — (he's bin very 
 pertikler about the laws of graverty from 'is childhood) 
 — for Betsy, with a hamper of provishuns, was seatid 
 too near the end of the barrer, and every time the little 
 feller got a good start on they tilted him clean off his 
 legs and he had to begin all over agin. Betsy wanted to 
 make it out that he was ageing fast, 'cos he was gettin' 
 so bad-tempered ; but I knoo I was rite, and put her 
 and the hamper in the middle of the chariot, makin' 
 Miss Skraggs and my darter Amelia take their placis. 
 
 " Bestir yourself, Edward," sez Miss Skraggs — pokin' 
 him with the end of her umbrelly — but he didn't 
 move. 
 
 " Gee hup, Neddy," sez I, sorftly persuadin' him 
 with a tikel from the tittyvatur -, and d'rekly he heerd 
 his natif Saxon he pricked up his ears and floo away like 
 a sea-horse. 
 
 We made our last stoppage at Sutton, and as I turned 
 to ask 'em what refreshment I should order, I heerd a 
 light guffaw among the fimmels, and I beheld a site as 
 made me onsartain whether to larf or kry. 
 
 The sun had come out pretty handsome, and he'd 
 made sich warm play on Betsy's vissij that he'd com- 
 pleetly melted all the Barm of Buty she had plastered on 
 it an hour or two before, and her fetures was as moist 
 and sticky as a gum-bottle. This was bad enurF, but, 
 owing to the tearing pace of our steeds, she'd caught 
 
148 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 the best part of the blacks flying about, between 
 Clapham Common and Collyflour-alley, vich had stuck 
 to her face till she looked something between a Chris'mas 
 pudding and a draft-board $ and d'rekly Mrs. Kiddle 
 see it she sez, " O, you've got a little black on the tip of 
 your nose, dear/ 9 and under pretence of wipin' it off she 
 gave it a smudge that made it harf as long agin, and 
 turned pore Betsy into the likeniss of a Guy Fox. 
 
 I was too savvij to tell her off it, and the others was 
 too spiteful, and so we druv off, arter givin both the 
 donkeys some beer. To hear them wimmen gabblin' 
 away behind me was a kaution— it was " deer" and " luv" 
 every five minnits ; but I was proud on 'em arter all ; 
 for though we passed a good menny pretty turn-outs 
 filled with luvly faces and chased fawms, there wasn't 
 another vehaycle of our size that could have ventured to 
 carry sich a wate without the springs givin' way. From 
 a ruff kalkilation I don't suppose our livin' freight o' 
 buty wayed less than a qwarter of a ton — their lives 
 hangin', in a manner o' speakin', upon a thread, for 
 pretty nigh all the best bits o' the donkey's harness was 
 made o' string. 
 
 As soon as we got on the racekorse we sit down near 
 a carridge belongin' to a member o' Parlyment, and het 
 our frugil reparst, The plan was that everybody was 
 to bring what she liked, and when it was all opened out 
 and laid upon the verdent grass it addid qwite a new 
 charm to the landskape. The fust contribution was 
 four kold mackril and some sawce in a blackin' bottle, 
 from Mrs. Cox ; then Miss Skraggs giv us two bottles 
 of elder wine and a kwart of shrimps ; Mrs. Kiddle 
 follered soot with a pig's head and sum chesnuts ; and, 
 larstly, as fish was trumps, Betsy played a kupple of 
 pounds of sammun and some chilly vinegar in a gally- 
 pot. We had everything the hart could desire except 
 pepper and salt, and that brort us all to a standstill. 
 
 " Wat made yer forgit the pepper and salt, yer old 
 stoopid ?" sez Mrs. Cox to Betsy. 
 
MAS. SPROUTS AT THE OAKS. 149 
 
 " I cannot disgust my food without kondyments," 
 sez Miss Skraggs. 
 
 " The fust kwarrel I had with Kiddle after our un- 
 fort'nit marridge was about a pepper-box," sez Mrs. 
 Kiddle, " for I, bein' yung and thautless, and dreamin* 
 only of our luv, 'ad forgot to put it on the tabel, vere- 
 upon my husbiand, as was out of temper that mornin' 
 through bein' kicked by a Alderny kow, roars out in 
 a voice of thunder, ' Vere's the pepper ?' and I " 
 
 " Heer," I sez, cuttin' her short ; " stop a minnit, 111 
 soon set this to rites." So I run to the member o' 
 Parlyment's carridge with a sawcer, and pulled or? my 
 hat. 
 
 " Nesessity's the fust lor of natur, and also the muther 
 of convensions, my lord," sez I. " You and me are 
 perlitekal deponents, and 'ave 'ad menny a hard struggle 
 in the perlitekal airy ; but the fakt is, our party's out o' 
 pepper and sault, and if you'll giv us a pinch or two you 
 can have the pick of our makril in exchange." 
 
 He giv us plenty o' both freely for nothin'. As I 
 went away I heered one o' the ladies arskin' him " Who 
 are these dredful pussons, Henery ?" but I couldn't heer 
 his reply. 
 
 Arter we'd drunk his helth three times three and 
 given the donkeys some more pawter, we had a sweep- 
 stakes. Betsy drawed Heeb, the goddess of public- 
 houses, and old Mrs. Cox Fair Rosamund ; while Miss 
 Skraggs got La Dolphin, a sort o' son of the King of 
 France, jest as they calls our Queen's offspring the 
 Prince of Whales ; and then nothin' 'ud satisfy 'em but 
 they must make a wager about the runnin'. So, jest to 
 humour 'em, I sings out to Betsy, " I'll bet yer a kupple 
 o' pares o' worstid gluvs to a quarter of a pound of 
 birdseye agin Heeb for a place." 
 
 " Nonsense," sez old Mrs. Cox, " why don't yer ber 
 somethin' useful ? A pretty hexample Betsy would be 
 settin' to her children in kiverin' up her hands in 
 gluvs." 
 
150 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " Gluvs is kwite the fashun, 'owsumever," sez Miss 
 Skraggs, very contemshus. 
 
 "Kiddle wore gluvs before our yunion," sez the 
 other chikken with a si' ; " they was slate kuller, with 
 a streak o' black along the seams. About a munth arter 
 I was led to Hyam's halter I tried to weedle him out of 
 a pair by kissin' him while he was layin' asleep on the 
 sofy, but the littel retch pretendid to think I was a 
 bloobottle, and kep fiappin' at me with his hankecher 
 and cryin' out ' Be orf,' without once openin' of his 
 ies." 
 
 " Sarve yer rite," sez Mrs. Cox. " Look here, 
 Josef," sez she, " Fll wager a spottid 'ankecher to a 
 pair o' blucher boots that Fare Rosymund is some- 
 wheres at the end of the race ;" and I sed " Dun." 
 
 Jest then up kum a dredful old gipsy as looked as if 
 she'd bin dropped in a kauphy-pot in the daze of her 
 youth, and had never bin properly washed since ; and 
 giving a glarnce at my dauter, she sez, "Let me tell 
 yer fortin, my pretty deer ; halso yer sister's, too" — a 
 turnin' of her optik on Betsy, as looked mity pleased 
 and throo her ies on the ground, and tride to be as 
 bashful as a young kitten in luv. 
 
 So, jest for the fun of the thing, I give the old 
 woman a crookid sixpence and told her to begin, and 
 then she rattled away with a lot of stuff sich as yer 
 reads in the penny h'ghflyin' books, and delightin' of 
 pore Betsy to that degree that she pulled and straightened 
 herself up as if she'd grown twenty years younger with- 
 in the hour, 
 
 " Let me look at yer hand, my deer," she sez, and 
 Betsy giv it up like a child. " Ah, you ain't marrid 
 yet," sez she, " but you werry soon will be, and your 
 husbiand'll be a kount with mustarchers. This here 
 line," she sez — pintin' to the dig of an oyster knife — 
 " means as yu're bein' pursood by a dark pusson as 
 thirsts after yer life ; but there's a fair man," she sez, 
 " with a pink hyelash, as contracts everything the other 
 
MRS. SPROUTS AT THE OAKS. 151 
 
 one does as'll di at larst and leev yer fiftene hundred a 
 year and a silvur teepot." 
 
 " Lor' bless me, Josef," says Betsy, " isn't there a 
 deel of it true ? The feller that keeps the oppersition 
 barrer is as dark as a gipsy, sure enuff. It's wunderful," 
 she sez, givin' the old woman another sixpence, " and 
 it jest makes out my dream." 
 
 As for me I was obliged to larf in my hat. 
 
 " Wot am I to be ?" sez Miss Skraggs, likewise givin' 
 her sum money, with a kind of simper. 
 
 " O," sez the old creetur, " yer third child'll be jest 
 as pretty as the two others is as is now livin' ; but," 
 she sez, " beware, for there's a sort of shadder pur- 
 sooin' of yer nite and day, as means either measles or 
 scarlatiner." 
 
 Pore Miss Skraggs, she turned as red as a beetroot, 
 and she sez, very falterin', " It's all rubbish ; there 
 ain't a bit of it true ," and sent the old woman away. 
 
 But while we'd bin talkin' and argifyin' with the old 
 gipsy the race was run, and arfter coming nearly twenty 
 miles from London to see the Hoax, we witnissed no 
 more of it than if we'd been follerin' agricultural pur- 
 soots in the bosom of Collyflour-alley. 
 
 As I'd promised to take 'em all to the play in the 
 evenin' we begun to talk of gettin' bak to town. So 
 arter we'd packed up the dinner sarvice I harnissed the 
 donkeys and giv 'em a little more beer, and off we startid 
 'ome. For the fust few miles everything went as butiful 
 as you could wish, and the ladies kep talkin' together 
 very plessunt, still calling one another " deer," till at 
 larst they come to the fortin-tellin', and then I soon 
 see as something like a storm was a-brewin' in the 
 wind. 
 
 " The ideer," sez Betsy, " of the silly old kreetur 
 thinking I wasn't marrid." 
 
 M Stuff and nonsense," sez Mrs. Cox, "she never 
 thought nothin' of the sort." 
 
 " I'll thank yer not to trampul over me, mum," sez 
 
152 MR. SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 Betsy, " because I happen to be young enuff to be your 
 dawter, Deborah Cox." 
 
 " That don't make yer so young but yer mite be 
 mother to everybody else in the vehaycle, Betsy," sez 
 Mrs. Cox, with a snigger. 
 
 " Don't Betsy me, mum," sez my wife. " And as 
 for the rest of the ladies presint, I konsider myself jist 
 as good as them any day of the week." 
 
 " You're a long way ahed of 'em in komplection," 
 sniggers Miss Skraggs. 
 
 " Your husbiand is much to be pitied, mum, for 
 you've got a very unkultivated intelleck," sez Mrs. 
 Kiddle ; "as for me, I'm sorry for yer ignurance from 
 the bottom of my hart." 
 
 " Hart or no hart, ignurance or no ignurance, mum," 
 sez Betsy, "I would have manyged to be picked up 
 with somebody better than a milkman if I'd bin you. 
 As for my husband, he's a purfeshunal pusson, and 
 halso " 
 
 How long it mite ha' gone on I don't know, if a 
 dredful accident hadn't happened owin' to the intoxica- 
 tion of the donkey as had the lead — Neddy's always 
 made one o' the party in our holiday trips, and he's 
 used to beer, but the other fine kreetur 'avin' a week 
 hed had partook of our horspetalerty till he'd made his- 
 self thoroughly inkapabl', and after wobblin' about very 
 onsartin from one side of the road to the other, and 
 bumpin' agin innoomerable axles, he wound up by 
 givin' two or three short larfs and whiskin' us kleen 
 into a 'orse pond. The skreems of the fimmels was 
 dreadful, but by the help of a bote-hook we soon got 
 'em ashore ; also the donkeys ; and we all went home 
 together as damp as a bunch o* waterkreases. I wasn't 
 sorry for one thing, 'owsumever — it washed all the 
 paint off Betsy's face ; and as for the curls in her flaxen 
 hair, they kum out just as strate and as grey agin as 
 ever they was before 'air di was inwented. 
 
BETSY IN " TEE HOUSE: 1 153 
 
 BETSY IN "THE HOUSE." 
 
 j" WAS takin' a erly meal last Thursday, prevus to 
 settin' off for my Parlimentary duties, when I see 
 by the vilent way in which Betsy banged the dishes on 
 the table that something was in the wind. 
 
 "Wot ails you, you old stoopid ?" I sez, mildly, 
 " and why do you try to decompose my soul by playin' 
 them larks with the drippin' ?" 
 
 "Nothin' ails me, Josef Sprouts," sez she — (it's 
 alius " Josef when there's a row comin' on) — " Nothin' 
 ails me. Why should it ? I'm jest a meer syphon in 
 the famerly, that's all." 
 
 I het a few ounces of stake in silens. It was plane 
 somethin' was the matter ; but what was it ? We'd 
 got over our bit of trouble last week, and had three 
 and sevenpence in the bank ; if the public was gettin' 
 tired of cabbij, they was beginnin' to hanker after 
 sparrergrass. We'd had our usual sixpennurth of a 
 five-act tragedy on the Monday night, and our places 
 for the Derby was booked in a yaller wan that started 
 from the rag-shop ; the children was 'elthy, and the 
 donkey was well, except a slight cold caught thro' 
 fallin' three times in Holborn on a wet day, and 'is 
 voice was as good as ever, only he was a little 'orse 
 in the high notes. One would ha' thought we was 
 enjoyin' everything the world could give ; but the 
 corners in the femail 'art is very puzzlin'. 
 
 " Wot ales yer ?" I sez, passin' the beer-jug and 
 wipin' it with my cuff, for them little attentions goes a 
 long way in dealin' with the softer sex. "Are yer 
 grievin' about the cabbijes ?" 
 
 II No, Josef," sez she. 
 
154 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " Is it bekos yer think our steed has got the astma, 
 then ?" sez I. 
 
 " No, Josef," agin (veepin' with the corner of her 
 aprin). 
 
 " 'Ave yer been overwated in a kwarrel lately then, 
 or wot is it ?" I sez, pretendin' to get in a passion. 
 " Vy is my house to be made a wilderness with these 
 tantrums at a time when my 'art is occupied with public 
 consarns ?" 
 
 " Drat public consarns," she sez, in a tone of gentT 
 irony ; "if yer do keep the company of lords and 
 ladies, Josef, why must yer leave me at ome ? Am 
 to be alius mendin' shirts in the evenin', while you are 
 petted by the proudest in the land ? If yer lorful wife 
 is good enufF to go to Epsom in a wan, why ain't she 
 fit to have a place booked for her in Parlyment ?" 
 
 " Bekos," I sez, " that's no place for wimmen. If 
 yer goes there yer'll have to 'old yer tongue in a sort of 
 cage." 
 
 " I can do it," sez she. " I didn't speak a wurd once 
 for five-and-twenty minnits for a wager, and I can do 
 it agin." 
 
 " Besides," I sez, " you won't be allowed to sit along 
 o me. 
 
 "Never mind," she sez, "lean wave a hankecher 
 to yer thro' the bars when I want to go away, and 
 you can give a sort of vissel to say as you can see me, 
 and that'll be all we want." 
 
 I giv in. I'm a good bit like Adam as regards the 
 worritin' of women. In a little time she was dressed 
 in as many colours as a windy full o' fiour-pots, and 
 Neddy took us down in the best barrer. He wheezed 
 a bit when he caught the wind on his chest a turnin' of 
 the corners ; but we left 'im 'appy enufF in Pallis-yard 
 along with the other visitors' carrijes. 
 
 I put Betsy in the hands o' Battun, and as soon as I 
 got my seat in the gallery beside Sarum, I looked up at 
 the wimmen's cage, and see somebody pullin' a bottle 
 
BETSY IN » THE HO USE: 1 155 
 
 and things out of a baskit, so I noo she was all rite. 
 But I see somethin' else halso starin' at me through the 
 bars, and what should it be but a hookey nose, wearin' 
 a pair o' spektikles. 
 
 "Why, bless us!" I sez, "if that ain't old Lady 
 Hankey a sittin' next to Betsy, too. My eye, won't 
 there be a shindy by-and-by, that's all !" 
 
 As soon as Sarum found out I noo a lady o' title he 
 was very slimey for the rest o' the evenin', and kep' 
 offerin' me walnuts and cettery between the akts. 
 
 The first part o' the performance was very slow. A 
 Lib'ral was speakin', and, of course, I wouldn't pay any 
 attention to him, and I should ha' gone to sleep rite 
 off if I hadn't heerd a gentl' bark from one of the 
 tarriers. " Bow-wow !" sez he. " We're a very happy 
 famerly in the cave, gents, and I'd rather be there and 
 furridge for myself than have ever so rhuch cat's-meat 
 under a master. My nateral pride revolts agin sich 
 yolks," sez he. (" Bow-wow" from the Tories.) 
 
 "There ain't much sperrit in 'em to-night," I sez to 
 Sarum ; " I ain't heard nobody abuse the honorable 
 member for Birmingum yet." 
 
 " That'll come by-and-by, Mr. Sprouts," sez he, 
 " when they gits rather dry for argymints." 
 
 " He don't look so terrible, after all, that Birmingum 
 member, does he ?" sez I. 
 
 "No," sez Sarum, "that's his cunnin'. But I've 
 heerd say he carries three pistols under his kote, and 
 a knife in his boot, and then agin," he sez, " the very 
 name of Birmingum seems to remind yer of beheadin' 
 the aristocracy. We finds it very useful in fritenin' 
 Conservatif infants when they won't take their teethin' 
 powders," he sez. " * Be kwiet,' sez we, ' or we'll 
 give yer to the honorable member for Birmingum,' and 
 I never noo one on 'em hit his nurse with the bootjak 
 after hearin' that." 
 
 " He's alius wrong, of course," I sez ; " but how is 
 it he's had so many good tips for most of the leadin' 
 
156 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 events as have come off these last few years ? Some 
 say he was right about the korn laws ; he warn't many 
 miles out over the war in Ameriky, and I don't think 
 he was quite in the dark about the officers and gentle- 
 men in Jamaky." 
 
 " I tell yer candid, Mr. Sprouts," sez Sarum, " that's 
 the only thing that onsettles me about this horrid 
 Reform. Whether it is that he reads the futur' by 
 the cards, or keeps a wizard, or what it is, I dunno ; 
 but things often does turn out as he sez they will, in 
 spite o' Magny Charty. The other nite I went to a 
 fortin'-teller myself in the Waterloo-road," sez he, " to 
 ask him about this very bill ; and after boltin' the dore, 
 and shakin' up something in a kauphy cup, he drew a 
 picter of a shaggy little dawg with its ears cut, lookin' 
 very sickly at a Scotch haggis, as if his appytite was 
 gone, and rit underneath it, ' Grate tribbylashun,' on a 
 teaboard in white chalk, and that was the only glimps 
 of the futur' I got for harf-a-krown." 
 
 It went on very slow and miserable agin till one 
 Lib'ral youth riz up and walked into another in fine 
 style. 
 
 "Brayvo!" says Sarum, "that's the way to sarve 
 'em. Tom Brown thought to git off bekos he helped 
 the other feller hisself out of a scrape the last week, 
 Mr. Sprouts ; but it'll never do to let gratitood inter- 
 fere with our dooties to the publik. If the Rummuns 
 killed their own sons and darters at the call of dooty, 
 why shouldn't one member* for Lambeth 'it another in 
 the bak ?" 
 
 But nobody else had sperrit enufF to do the ditto to 
 that, spiteful as they was, and they went on talkin' 
 with sich an everlastin' beatin'-about-the-bush style 
 that I got tired of it at last. Most of the Tories begun 
 by sayin' they vurshupped the workin' classes, and 
 wound up with a ressylution to give 'em everything 
 except a vote. Then they cut it up wonderful fine ; 
 some thought the wood-carvers would vote capital 
 
BETSY IN ■■ THE HO USE. 11 157 
 
 well, but not the wood-planers ; others that makm* 
 laws about food and lodgins was as good as passin' 
 a vote agin the bluebottles in the butchers' shops — 
 (this is what they call p'litikal economy). But none 
 on 'em seemed to me to git at the hart of the matter ; 
 they talked about everything but the questin before 
 'em, and I couldn't 'elp rememberin' a little domestik 
 instance o' this style of debatin', which I told to 
 Sarum. 
 
 " The night before the christenin' of our last child," 
 sez I, " we was a settlin' what we should give his god- 
 fathers and godmothers for dinner the next day. Bein' 
 naterally Conservatif, I stuck up for roast pork and 
 stuffin', with a gooseberry tart to foller, for the Sproutses 
 had all bin christened on roast pork since the year I. 
 But Betsy, as had took rather a noo turn agin old 
 institutions, made a regular flte for biled mutton and 
 roley-poley puddin*. The nuss was on my side, and so 
 was Brockey ; but Mrs. Beccles was all in favour o' 
 Betsy, so we 'ad a debate on it jest like the fellers in 
 Parlyment. I opened for the pork by goin' straight to 
 the pint, and sayin' I liked cracklin' ; but when Betsy 
 retaliated for the mutton, she began with praisin' the 
 butcher's boy for his curly 'ead of 'air, ' Yes,' sez 
 Mrs. Beccles, ' he's very industrus, for he's alius 
 scrapin' his block, and his skewers is as wite as the 
 driving snow.' ' What's that to do with roast pork ?' 
 sez I, savvij. ' Devil a bit,' sez Brockey, 'for the 
 porkman's jest took two apprentices, and bought a 
 sassij machine.' 'Sassij machine or not,' sez Betsy, 
 ' there's bin a good many dark things sed agin his blak 
 puddins ; and as for his wife, she dresses her children 
 like hidjuts, and is very unkind to her second cuzzen.' 
 * Cuss her cuzzen !' sez I, in a pet ; ' if you've got 
 anything to say agin pig, why don't you speak out ? 
 Mutton fat's like candles,' I sez ; ' them's my senti 
 ments. Now, who's for pork ? I don't care nothin 
 about the butcher's wife.' ' She's jest as good as the 
 
158 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 porkman's,' sez Betsy, ' anyhow, and we ain't going to 
 be trampled on with onion stuffin' and gooseberried 
 none the more for that, Josef;' and I do beleev we 
 should ha' bin at it till now if I hadn't gone out 
 and fetched the pork in with my own 'ands, Mr. 
 Sarum." 
 
 Just as I come to that there was a 'orrid sort o' row 
 in the wimmen's lock-up, and I see someone wavin' a 
 spotted 'ankecher, and heerd the voice of my partner in 
 life crying out — 
 
 "Why don't I sit still, mum? 'Ow can I? If 
 you're used to bein' pizened in a rabbit 'utch, I ain't. 
 It's like your imperdence to take out that sent-bottle, as 
 if you never smelt a drop o' sperrits in youi life. I've 
 heerd of you before, Mrs. Hankey, mum ; my pore 
 husband wasn't fine enough for yer, because he didn't 
 eat 'is puddin' with a phawk ; but we can do without 
 you, and the Houses of Parlyment too, mum. Come 
 along, Josef ;" and you may guess I wasn't long before 
 I had her out of the place, and all the members hee- 
 hawing like mad, and the youth in the vig and the 
 sarjunt of harms with his toasting-fork both in cold 
 prespiration. 
 
 I druv her 'ome vithout speakin', for I was very 
 wild. 'Owsumever, when I heerd there was bakon for 
 supper, the soothin' influences of literatoor come over 
 me, and I rit the follerin' poet, which is uneven, like 
 the burnin' currants of my sole* : — 
 
 Savoury steam vos upward curlin* 
 
 From the pot upon the fire, 
 Both my little gals was twirlin 1 
 
 Spikey pipe-lights for their sire, 
 From the cellar came a barkin', 
 
 From the stable on the right 
 A bray — it was the dogs a larkin', 
 
 'Twas my Neddy's soft " Good night." 
 
 * Title of poem, Whigs and Toreys. By Josef Sprouts. 
 
BETSY IN " THE HOUSE." 150 
 
 Everything was calm and 'appy, 
 
 And I thought o' childhood's scenes — 
 The days when I got ill on baccy, 
 
 My fust barrer full o' greens. 
 Per'aps the sperrits was invitin', 
 
 It may ha' been my Neddy's bray ; 
 But, " Josef, do a bit o' writin'," 
 
 Several voices seemed to say. 
 
 "Josef, win etarnal glory, 
 
 Seize your pen and boldly write 
 The difference 'tween a good old Torey 
 
 And the villins opperzite ; 
 Soar abuv yer present station, 
 
 Now you're chareman at the Pub, 
 If you wins their apprybation, 
 
 You may gain the Carlton Club." 
 
 Vot's a Vig ? He's always sighin' 
 
 For some 'appy time in store ; 
 Never easy, ever cryin', 
 
 Like an 'ungry 'unter, " More ;" 
 Thinks the bounds of earth and heaven 
 
 On some futur day shall meet, 
 Till it's easy to be driven 
 
 To the stars from Monmouth-street. 
 
 But the Tory he's a fixter ; 
 
 Thinks the past and present make 
 Jest the sort o' drinkin' mixter, 
 
 And you'll spile it if you shake : 
 It was Vigs in the Exchekker 
 
 That brought over furrin slops ; 
 Tories knows no other likker 
 
 Can improve on malt an' 'ops. 
 
 Vigs sez, " Shiney boots and dress-kotc s 
 
 Shows as life's an onward march ; 
 Also ties and saten wescotes, 
 
 And the ' Glenfield patent starch ;* 
 
160 MR. SPROUTS BIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " E. Moses and his orfspring, — Cockle, 
 Ven the Romans had the rool, 
 Vos problems for the futur bottled, 
 So was Twelvetrees, so was Poole." 
 
 Sez the Tories, " 'Tain't no reason 
 Ve should always march so fast, 
 
 Beer foments a certain season, 
 But yer keep it still at last. 
 
 This world's like a pot of porter- 
 Tories is the creamy head. 
 
 Ven yer mixes 'em with water, 
 
 Or stirs 'em up, their bloom is fled/* 
 
 Sez the Vigs, the stoopid creeturs, 
 
 " Life seems wide enuff for all, 
 Where's the need to chisel Peter 
 
 Jest to give his wage to Paul ? 
 God give man his garding, Natur', 
 
 Some one else invented dores, 
 And enclosed a patch of taters 
 
 For sustainin' of the pore. 
 
 " But we dreams of happy hours, 
 
 When the thickest dores shall rot, 
 And the pore shall smell the flowers 
 
 Bloomin' in the garden plot, 
 Till the healin' balm o' natur 
 
 Makes 'em raise their heads agen, 
 And the likeness of their Maker 
 
 Once more shines in humble men. 
 
 €t Till the tree o' knolledge, shootin' 
 
 Right out in the open air, 
 Lowly men may go a fruitin' 
 
 Spite of < Trespassers beware !* 
 And eat a bit, till, in due season, 
 
 They larn to look at right and wrong 
 Jest simply with the eye o' reason, 
 
 Not through the noose o' i Goodman Thong.'* 
 
 * A sportif alias for Jack Ketch. — Josef. 
 
BETSY IN « THE HOUSE." 161 
 
 * Thick dores on their hinges creaking 
 
 Walls with tops o' broken glarse, 
 They won't stop 'em — ships a leakin* 
 
 Can't be plugged with apple sarse, 
 They must come, and to save a shindy 
 
 (It's more for your sakes than for theirs) 
 Say, shall they bust yer parlour windy, 
 
 Or walk like Christins up the stairs ? 
 
 " This here's not anarky or treason, 
 
 No more than them there nat'ral shocks 
 That splits the earth at certain seasons, 
 
 And brings the bottom up atop. 
 Think of a Roman beadle croakin' 
 
 ' I've kort Vesoovius in the fact, 
 And means to have him up for smokin' 
 
 Agin the chimbeley sweepers' Act.' " 
 
 NOO MEATER. 
 
 Sez the Tory, " I don't like yer simmerleys — stop. 
 
 * The rigger o' natur,' sez you, * 's like a garden/ 
 But it's more like a sugar loaf, small at the top, 
 
 And broad at the bottom, I'll bet a brass farden. 
 The fust layer's beests o' the field, sich as mokes ; 
 
 The pore men in jakkits, their sons and their darters, 
 Is next ; then the lawyers and others in kotes ; 
 
 And last comes the rich in their stars and their garters." 
 
 OLD MEATER AGIN. 
 
 As for spread of eddycation, 
 
 Don't be runnin' on too fast ; 
 Let the patrut save the nation, 
 
 And the cobbler mind his last ; 
 Let the tinker stick to kettles, 
 
 And the tailor to his goose, 
 And the donkey to his nettles, 
 
 And the St*nd*rd to abuse. 
 
 If men always M their dinners, 
 
 How would charity survive ? 
 If they wasn't wicked sinners, 
 
 How'd the bench o' bishops thrive ? 
 
 M 
 
162 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 If they wasn't sometimes wicious, 
 Where would law an' justis be ? 
 
 Lord ! if all should turn ambitious, 
 What 'ud come to you and me i 
 
 Some was eatin', some was drinking 
 
 When the fall o' Pompey* came ; 
 Some was sittin' down a thinking 
 
 Each had got his little game ; 
 So, till this world busts to atoms, 
 
 There'll be grades in ev'ry state, 
 Lords and beadles givin' rations 
 
 To casyels at the work'us gate. 
 
 At this junktur the bakon and pease come on the 
 table. 
 
 A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET. 
 
 *TpHE Easter vacation was a'most over in Collyfiour- 
 ■*■ alley, an' I'd begun to think o' settlin' down to 
 pertaters agin. We'd kep it up pretty well considerin'. 
 On the Monday we'd dined at the Pig and Thunderbolt 
 at Greenwich (8d. a 'ed, beer extry), and we'd had a 
 very comfortable day, windin' up very pleasant in the 
 evenin' with a bit of an argyment. On the Tuesday, 
 arter I was baled out, we all went to the British 
 Museum, and finished with a dawg show ; and on the 
 Wednesday we J ad a tea fight (kivers for sixteen) ; on 
 the Thursday I give my daughter away to a master 
 sweep, and we made a weddin tower to the National 
 Gallery, with a dance in the evenin*. Friday we took ' 
 hoss exercise on 'Ampstead 'Eath, and on Saturday we 
 all felt rayther languid, so we had in a few gallons o' 
 
 * A City Scalded to Deth with 'ot Cinders. — See Works 
 of a Tory Nobleman. 
 
A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET. 1C3 
 
 refreshment and a christenin' in the bosom of our 
 famerly, and I read the Mornin Post. 
 
 On the Saturday night, jest as I was tellin' Neddy to 
 get ready for bizness fust thing on Monday mornin', 
 what should I see stickin' in the chimbley glass but an 
 invitation from the Lord Mare to dine with him at the 
 Mansion House on Monday night. I'd put it among the 
 other invitations ; and if I hadn't happened to have re- 
 membered it at all in that casual way, I should ha* 
 forgot it altogether, as the sayin' is. 
 
 " Oh, bother," I sez, when I see it, " I don't reely 
 think as how I can go." 
 
 " Well," says Betsy, " it'll look uncommon shabby if 
 yer don't. I dessay he's made up his mind you're a 
 comin', and got a bit o' something tastey for ye to eat ; 
 and there he'll be bobbin' up and down every time he 
 hears a knock at the door, and wonderin' why Sprouts 
 don't come. Besides, it'll look so proud." 
 
 " Goodness knows," I sez, " it ain't pride. Bekos 
 I'm up in the world I ain't goin' to look down on no 
 man, let alone a Lord Mare, but I almost wish some- 
 times I could retire to a chandler's shop and leave public 
 life altogether, for as to doin' as yer like that's all over 
 as soon as ye've got a reputation." 
 
 'Owsumever, the long and the short of it was I made 
 up my mind to go. I bought a first-rate suit of clothes 
 for evenin' parties from the widder of an undertaker as 
 died through mistakin' disinfectin' fluid for gin at a 
 funeral when he thought nobody see him lookin' in the 
 cupboard. The clothes was a little bit skimpish and 
 thin, for he was a man as had taken a good drop of 
 disinfectin' fluid in his time, but with the help of a little 
 black tape and string I managed to make 'em fit me 
 tolerable well, and when I thought what a many people 
 was struttin' up and down the world in clothes as never 
 belonged to 'em I felt pretty well content. 
 
 It was rather rainy on the Monday night, so I went 
 down in a handsome, and I kept rubbin' the winder all 
 
161 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 the way, so as the people should see me, I winked at 
 every perleeseman and bobbed my head at every quiet- 
 lookin' old gent all the way down, till all Cheapside was 
 a starin' at me, and a dawg ran barkin' at my heels as if 
 I was a Lord Mare's show. 
 
 Everybody seemed to know I was comin', for when 
 I got down to the Mansion House the crowd o' people 
 was wonderful. When I got out I 'ad to walk upstairs 
 past two rows o' riflemen under a speckled yawning as 
 looked at me very civil ; but jest as I got to the top I 
 heard one or two on 'em a titterin' behind me, and 
 turnin' my head, who should I see but that infunnel old 
 dawg o' mine, Pincher, who had stole out unbeknown 
 and follered me all the way. He was kivered from 
 head to foot with splashes, and looked as if he'd got 
 boots on from the mud o' Cheapside, and he was a 
 waggin' the little stump where his tail used to be, and 
 cockin' up his ears, as was all frayed out at the edges 
 through argifyin' with cats, and he looked as happy 
 as a king out of his one eye, and began to bark for 
 
 joy- 
 
 " Go home, yer onnateral villin," I sez ; " unless yer 
 want to blite my prospecks, go home, and p'raps I'll see 
 if I can bring yer somethin' away for breakfast." As 
 soon as he see I was serious he turned round agin, and 
 after borrowin a bit of uniform from the leg of a cor- 
 poral of the volunteers he trotted downstairs as stately 
 as could be, boots and all, and in I went. 
 
 But, bless ye, I wasn't the only one there. They'd 
 asked no end o' people to meet me, for the hall was 
 crammed with 'em-, and the first thing they all did 
 when they went in was to go up to a table where a 
 splendid-made man was standin', all covered with gold 
 lace, and his hair as white as snow, although he was 
 quite young in the face. D'rekly they got up to him 
 they all took their hats off; so thinks I, this must be the 
 Mare hisself. 
 
 "'Ope I see yer well, my lord/' I sez, goin' up; 
 
 
A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET. 1C5 
 
 " likewise yer famerly. How've yer spent Easter ? 
 Didn't yer find 'Ampsted rather damp r" 
 
 But the gawney looked as blank as if I'd fired a pistol 
 at him, and so did two or three pore effeminine kreeturs 
 as was standin' round him. At last the feller sez to me, 
 * I'll take yer hat and coat,'' he sez, very supersilyus ; 
 and bother me if he was anything better than the foot- 
 man, after all. 
 
 " Why do yer dress yerself in that onnatural manner, 
 mate ?" I sez to 'im, for my feelins was wounded. 
 'Owsumever, I give him the coat and the hat. 
 
 "What obstinit things them spring-hats is ! I 'ad a 
 reg'lar tuzzle with mine afore I could shut it up. I got 
 him under two or three times, as I thought, but he flew 
 up agin with a bang like a ginger-beer cork, till at last 
 I sez, rayther savage, " What, yer won't, won't yer ?" 
 I sez, and I put him on a chair and sit on him till 
 he give way and come out lookin' as flat as any pan- 
 cake. 
 
 All the people was goin' into a room as turned to the 
 left out of the hall, so I went there too. D'rekly I got 
 to the door a feller with a short wand in his hand, like 
 a sugar stick, stops me and asks my name, and wen he 
 heard it he bawls out " Mr. Josef Sprouts" in a way 
 that tickled me amazin', and I walked in. 
 
 It was a large sort o' place, like two front parlors 
 rolled into one, and at one end on it was a very plessunt- 
 lookin' gent in black velvet and silk stockins, and two 
 very nice lookin' ladies on each side on 'im, one of 'em 
 as it might be his wife and the other his darter from the 
 family likeness ; and a lot of people was standin' round 
 'em in a sort of horseshoe pattern. 
 
 " Oh, my deer Mr. Sprouts," sez the Lord Mare, for 
 it was the right one this time, " how do you do ? This 
 gentleman," he sez, meaning me, and presentin' me to 
 a fat-lookin' old party, " though I have not 'ad the 
 pleshur of readin' his works, has, I understand, done 
 much towards the putrification of our national liter atoor - 9 
 
lGfi MR SPROUTS BIS OPINIONS. 
 
 
 he has, if I may ventur' to say so to his face," he sez, 
 " to gg e d U P tne lorftiest and the deepest trooths of fee- 
 losophy in the nervis Saxon o' the common pe'pl'. Mr. 
 Sprouts," he sez, " Mr. Somebody" — for I couldn't 
 catch the name — " Mr. Somebody, Mr. Sprouts/' 
 
 " Yes," I sez, " my lord, that's me, by the descrip- 
 tion ; by the bye," I sez, " you dress them waiter fellers 
 o' yours up too fine ; you do, indeed. They must be 
 pretty nigh as expensive as the turtle soup, and they 
 ain't half as useful." 
 
 The old gent I was introduced to was. a reader of one 
 of my favorite noosepapers, and as soon as we found 
 out what one another's prinserples was we was as happy 
 together as two kittens, and made up our minds to sit 
 together, if possible, the rest of the evenin'. 
 
 After we'd spoken to the Lord Mare heaps o' people 
 come fiockin' in, and makin' their bows, till the feller 
 with the sugar stick got quite hoarse bawlin' out their 
 names. There was light weights and heavy weights, 
 captings and kurnels, aldermen and members o' Parlia- 
 ment, fishmongers and clothworkers, grocers and salters, 
 and benchers and bars, all treadin' on the ladies' dresses 
 and bumpin' one another till the diamonds shivered agin 
 in the light o' the lamps. There was little old chaps 
 with big frilled night-caps sewed on to their shirt fronts, 
 and about six or seven yards of gold chain wound round 
 their necks, like sperrits tied up for the rope trick ; and 
 there was young fellers try in' to look as if they did that 
 sort o' thing every day, only this was a little worse than 
 what they was generally accustomed to ; but I always 
 noticed that them as you reads most about in the papers, 
 and hears of in a manner o' speaking everywhere, was 
 the most qu"et — especially the aldermen, as was that 
 silent and thin most of 'em that it was quite a disap- 
 pointment, foi I always thought they was lifted about 
 by pulleys. By-and-by the feller sings out " General 
 Sir Hope Grant," and in came a party as didn't make a 
 bit of noise, but ducked his head and walked on one 
 
A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET. 167 
 
 side quietly when he'd done it, as if he was glad it was 
 all over. 
 
 " There's a pretty bow for a general as has seen so 
 much fightin', and wopped them Chinee pagodies till 
 they was glad to throw up the sponge !" thinks I. I'd 
 made a sort o' picter of him to myself afore he come in, 
 and I fancied he'd have a splendid pair of coal black 
 mustarchers, and keep twirlin' of 'em and singin' out 
 " Damme," and rattlin' of his sword. But no ; nor 
 more did old Gineral Burgoin, as 'ad his buzzum 
 kivered with crosses ; nor Admiral Dakin either. There 
 wasn't one on 'em as did it in half the style of our 
 chairman at the club suppers — pore things ! 
 
 Presently there was a bit of a fluster outside, and we 
 heard the band a playin' " God Save the Queen ; " and 
 out went the Lord Mare, and all the aldermen huddled 
 on their gownds and went after 'im, and who should 
 come in but the Juke of Cambridge, lookin' jest as if it 
 was to be, and smilin' on all of us, me especially, as 
 much as to say, " I'm dyin' to speak to you, Sprouts, 
 but 1 ain't got time." 
 
 Soon after that we all marched through the hall 
 (where the poor bandsmen was blowing theirselves into 
 a appetite) and went in to dinner. It was a tremenjus 
 large room, as high as a church, with pillows reachin' 
 right up to the sealin', and tables goin' round it in oval 
 sort of circles till you lost yourself in the passages 
 between 'em. At last we all got in our places, and a 
 short grace was said (I notice people always has short 
 graces when there's turtle soup), and then we all fell 
 too. 
 
 There's no mistake about them Mansion House turtles 
 — you can see 'em swimmin' about in the soup, and jest 
 as full of life as ever, I do believe, after all the boilin', 
 for I give chase to a young one in the basin with 
 my spoon, and do all I could I couldn't manage to lay 
 hold on him. He was up and down and over and 
 under, and when I was fishin' for him in one corner he 
 
168 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 kep comin' up in a fresh place, and all the while lookin' 
 as green as any countryman, as if he was tryin' to make 
 believe he didn't know I wanted him ; till at last I pins 
 my lord just by his waist agin the side, and lugged hir 
 out. 
 
 u You shan't live to worrit any of your master's 
 friends any more, my child," I sez, and I devoured 'im. 
 
 "What funny fellers them waiters is ! There was 
 pore old thing behind my chair as looked as withered 
 up as if he'd bin fried, but he was uncommon attentive, 
 and kept bobbin* about me and my friend in the 
 specktikles as industrious as a bee. I had a bit of a 
 scuffle with him about the third plate of soup, which 
 is a thing waiters can never make up their minds to let 
 you enjoy in peace ; but arter that he brought me some 
 sort o' dish as looked very nice and brown, and I 
 helped myself to a good slice. There was some little 
 white things, too, along with it, but I didn't take no 
 account o' them. 
 
 But it was a trick of the Lord Mare after all, mind 
 ye ; for what d'ye think it was ? Jest a bit of dry toast, 
 kivered with gravy, and no more. It may be a great 
 lark in its way to send such rubbish round, but I 'ate 
 praktical jokin' at meals, so I sez to the waiter, " Here, 
 hi," I sez, " what do you call yourself?" 
 
 " I am one of the waiters, sir," sez he. 
 
 u I know that," I sez ; " but what's your name ?" 
 
 " Timmerthy, sir," sez he. 
 
 " Timmerthy what ?" I sez. 
 
 " Timmerthy Higgins," sez he. 
 
 " Well," I sez, "I don't want to have no words with 
 ye, Timmerthy, for you're a man in years ; but mind, 
 don't get playin' any of your dry toast larks with me 
 any more. Act square by me, and there's fourpense for 
 yer when I go away, as sure as my name's Sprouts." 
 
 The pore old thing looked scared enuff, and wanted 
 to persuade me there'd been fish on the dish as well, but 
 it wouldn't do. 
 
A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET ICO 
 
 " What else would yer please to take, sir ?" he sez, 
 pintin' to a kard as stood on the table in front of us. 
 s Another of their shabby tricks. The card was 
 crowded with the names o' things, but every one on 
 'em in some furrin languidge as nobody but a Mounseer 
 or the devil could make sense of, and there was I sittin' 
 in the midst o' plenty, as the savin' is, and starvin' all the 
 time, while the man in the specktikles was eatin' till the 
 table round him begun to look like a desert. 
 
 He was a strange feller, that man in the specktikles. 
 He told me his polliticks was all in favour of supportin' 
 the constitution, and I should think they was, for he 
 was as round as a dray-horse. He did nothin' but eat, 
 eat, eat, without stopping and never spoke except when 
 he laid down his knife and fork, while he was waitin' 
 for somethin' else, and then he'd bend over to me, and 
 visper quite low and gentle, " Wait for the pie. Mind 
 yer keep a corner for the pie." 
 
 " What pie ?" I sez at last, after he'd tanterlised me 
 like this three or four times. 
 
 " Why," he sez, " the five guinea pie with truffles in 
 it, of course," he sez ; " it's the gem of the evenin'. 
 Mind yer keep a corner for it," he sez, and then he 
 went on eatin' agin. 
 
 " I think I shall be all corners," I sez, taking up the 
 card the old waiter give me, and runnin the pint of my 
 fork down it at a ventur'. At last I come to the word 
 " entrymets," and I sez, " Let's 'ave some of that," for 
 I fancied somehow it sounded as if there was meat in it. 
 
 " I can't understand French, sir," says the old waiter, 
 and he reely didn't look as if he could. " Will yer 
 'ave the goodness to tell me what it is in English ?" 
 
 There I was nonplushed agin. 'Owsumever, I turns 
 round to the fat feller, and I sez, " What may be the 
 meanin' of this here word, sir ?" sez I. 
 
 " Meanin' ?" he sez, rubbin' his ed , " meanin' ? Vy 
 it's — no, bless me, it ain't — vy deer me, yes ; leastways 
 it's ' extremities,' in course." 
 
170 MR % SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 "Well, then, Timmerthy, bring us a plate full of 
 extremities, and another to follow," I sez, " and be 
 quick about it, for I feels considerable moie like a 
 panther than a civil huming bein'." 
 
 By-and-by up he come, tearin' like a steam engin, 
 with a pertater and something smothered in gravy like 
 the last, and d'rekly he put it down I took a mouthful 
 of it, and began eatin' away most ravenous ; but it 
 pricked my mouth jest as if I was chewin' a door-nail, 
 and what d'ye think it was ? A bird's clar. 
 
 " Mind yer keep a corner for the pie," sez the fat 
 man, jest as he set to work on a fresh dish. " It's the 
 gem of the evenin'." 
 
 I was too saveg to speak. I'd been five-and-thirty 
 minnits at it by this time, and all I'd had was a drop o' 
 soup, a pertater, a bit o' dry toast, and a bird's clar. 
 "All right," I sez to myself; "all right, my lord, I 
 won't say a word about this when I get up to drink 
 your health ; oh, no. I won't tell 'em I left a good 
 supper o' mussels to come here to be starved — in course 
 not. Go it Timmerthy; my chikken," I sez sarcastic, 
 the next time he come round, " I should like a few 
 winkel shells and some gravy for the next dose if you 
 could mannij to get 'em for me." 
 
 " Yes, sir," he sez, quite serius ; for he always said 
 " Yes" to everything, and off he whisked agin. 
 
 All this time the clatter of other people's knives and 
 forks was quite maddenin', for I couldn't get a chance 
 of usin' mine ; and in the midst of it all the fat man 
 looks up, and sez 'e, " Ah," he sez, " here it comes," 
 sez he. " There's the five guinea pie at last," sez he. 
 
 There was jest about arf of it left. I caught hold o' 
 my knife and fork and put the mustard and salt in front 
 of me, all reddy to begin as soon as I got my share, 
 when the old villin, without so much as givin' me a look, 
 turned the whole lot of it into his plate, and set to work 
 on it as if he 'adn't seen vittels for a fortnite. By-and- 
 by he looks round to me, with a greasy sort o' smile, 
 
A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET. 171 
 
 and he sez, " We was jest in time, Mr. Sprouts ; there 
 wasn't above fifty shillins' worth of it left ;" and then he 
 fell upon it agin. 
 
 I couldn't answer 'im ; I was sinkin' fast. 
 
 " That's a truffle," he sez, a minnit or two after, 
 holdin' up a little black thing on 'is fork, and the next 
 moment he gulped it down. 
 
 " Timmerthy,'' I sez, faintly, " Timmerthy ;" but 
 Higgins couldn't hear me. 
 
 By-and-by the fat man stopped rattlin' his knife and 
 fork, and Timmerthy come back and sez 'e, "The 
 winkles isn't up yet, sir," he sez, " but there's a nice 
 puddin', if you'd like some o' that." 
 
 That revived me. " Yes," I sez ; " anything will 
 do ; bring me a large slice o' that." And he give me a 
 bit of some sort o' pink stuff, as looked very temptin' ; 
 and the moment I got it I put about half of it into my 
 mouth at once. 
 
 Oh ! oh ! oh ! I shivers as I writes ; the very 
 thought on it sets me all in a tremble. It was that 
 everlastin' cold as if it had been beried at the bottom of 
 an ice well for the last half dozen years, and it set all 
 my teeth a hakin' — upper and lower, back and front — 
 throb, throb, throb, as if there was a dentist's apprentice 
 luggin' at every one. If I lives to be as old as Arethusa 
 I shall never forget that slice o' frozen jam at the Lord 
 Mare's feast. 
 
 " I don't complain of yer, Timmerthy," I sez. " I 
 thought yer was havin' a lark on yer own account when 
 yer brought me the stued extremities, but I find you're 
 actin' accordin' to your master's orders, as 've got a 
 spite agin' me, as never did him any harm. It goes 
 agin' my natur to refuse yer the fourpense arter I'd 'arf 
 promised it. But I put it to yer as a wayter whether 
 you can honestly lay your hand upon your hart and say 
 as you think I've 'ad a fair fourpennorth." 
 
 Then they brought round some sented water in a 
 large dish, and when it come to the fat man he dipped 
 
172 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 his cloth in it and wiped his fingers and his lips, and 
 then dabbed it behind his ears. 
 
 " Always cool yer ears, Mr. Sprouts," he sez, smilin'. 
 " It gives yer a fresh appetite for the desert," sez 'e. 
 " They was the last words my pore father ever said to 
 me afore he was took with appyplexy, and they made 
 that impression on me I shall never forgit 'em. * Joshua,' 
 he sez, weepin', ' always cool your ears. I neglected to 
 do it the last time I went out to dinner,' he sez, c and 
 it's bin the deth of me.' " 
 
 Arter that they begun speechifyin', and when the 
 Juke o' Cambridge had given his speech there was some 
 songs, and a young lady giv us one in partickler, called. 
 " The Skipper and his Boy," about a fisherman and his 
 son as goes out a fishin' and gets drowned instid. 
 
 Somehow or other a woman singing always makes a 
 fool of me in a minnit. I don't know much about the 
 angils, more's the pity ; but I can't help feelin' it must 
 be something like that up above. Every one o' them 
 notes was as clear as if it was blown through a silver 
 trumpet, and while it was goin' on I fancied I could see 
 the flashes o' the lightnin' and the boy a clingin' to 'is 
 father's breast, and the poor mother watchin' at the 
 dore, and first cryin' and then prayin' a bit, and then 
 cry in' agin till the grey mornin' comes, and she picks 
 up the pore lad's hankecher upon the beech, and knows 
 it's all over. 
 
 " Ain't it lovely ?" I sez to the fat man, for I felt I 
 must speak to somebody. 
 
 " Yes," he sez, in a sort o' gurgle, "it was the gem 
 of the evenin'." 
 
 " Which did yer like the best ?" I sez. 
 
 ic The pie with the truffles in it," sez 'e, and then he 
 went off into a doze. 
 
 Arter this song was over I sez to myselt, " Now's 
 your time or never, Josef," I sez ; " if yer hears another 
 song like that yer heart'll get as soft as a kitten," so up 
 I jumps. 
 
A MANSION HOUSE BANQUET. 173 
 
 "Order, gents," I sez, "for a few minnits," and 
 'hey all turned round — dukes and aldermen, waiters and 
 toastmasters, to look at me. " I'm not going to say as 
 anybody can help bein' Lord Mare if people choose to 
 make 'im one," I sez, " and I've nothin' to say agin the 
 waiters, Timmerthy Higgins in partickler, as has run 
 his legs pretty nigh off to serve me, and lost his four- 
 pense too. (Amoosement.) I dun'no as I've got much 
 to say agin ycu either, my lord," I sez, " but I've 
 got a good deal to say agin your ' dry toast extremities.' 
 (Guffaws.) I know very well it's expensive work to 
 give even a snack to all these people," I sez ; " but 
 don't you think that porter and pork chops would be a 
 good bit better than these kickshaw messes, as ain't got 
 strength enough in 'em to wean a puppy ? (Loud 
 smilin.) Look at yer aldermen. Why, they're gettin* 
 as thin as herrins. I've seen a good deal in the papers 
 lately about Reform in the corporations, but I never 
 knew the meanin' of it till to-night, and I also heerd a 
 good bit sed agin your measures, and I've never jined in, 
 but I'm bound to tell yer now I don't like neither your 
 measures nor your weights. I came here, my lord, 
 expectin' to have to cut my weskit open before the 
 night was done, and instead o' that I've had to buckle 
 it in. I've alius been a friend to the City, and if this 
 heer's a bit of spite got up agin me bekos I used to drop 
 a hoyster-shell on the state-barge when the procession 
 went under the bridges in days gone by, all I can say 
 is — It's shabby." 
 
 All this while the whole on 'em was starin' at me 
 with their eyes wide open. The Lord Mare looked 
 as merry as a owl, and the feller behind his chair kept 
 shaking his stick at me to leave off; but not I. 'Owsum- 
 ever, when I got so far, I sez, " Good night, my Lord 
 Mare, and plessunt vishuns, though, goodness knows, 
 mine'll be light enough. Yer needn't trouble yerself 
 to send any more invitations to Collyflour-alley," I sez, 
 " and so, farewell." 
 
lU MR. SPROUTS E1S OPINIONS. 
 
 And off I walked. Some on 'em pinted to the wine- 
 bottles and larfed as if I was that way infected, but I 
 wasn't though. 
 
 There was ill-luck everywhere in the place. Fd put 
 a bit of beef as Td got out of one of the side rooms into 
 my hat, and I was goin' down stairs, beaver in 'and, 
 past the perleesman, when the cussed spring gave way, 
 and jerked the meat right to the bottom of the Mansion 
 House steps, and there I let it lay, for I was too rilec 
 to care for anything but gettin' home. 
 
 I dined on mussels, arter all. 
 
 THE FAMINE IN INDIA. 
 
 TT7E was all a sittin' at dinner on Sunday, the onlj 
 * * meal we ever haves together, and things was goin' 
 well ; the pork and baked pertaters was done to a turn, 
 the turnips was luvly, and the gravy was good. It was 
 jest that happy moment between the disappearance of 
 the jint and the arrival of the pudden, when natur', half 
 baffled by the cracklin', half appeased by the stuffin' 
 and pertaters, can look forward with temperit expecta- 
 tion to the futur', and calmly inkwire whether it's to be 
 roley-poley pudden or apple-pie. Betsy said it would 
 be pie, and while she was a gettin' of it I read the paper 
 according to my custom. The children whispered 
 "pie" to one another, and jingled with their knives 
 and phawks, and tickled one another underneath the 
 table for very joy, and I pretended not to hear it ; and 
 even the cat seemed to feel that I wasn't sich a villin 
 as he thought I was, and come and rubbed his nose 
 agin my leg. The paper was very interestin', and I 
 sprung from flower to flower, tastin' none, like a grass- 
 hopper in a field o' daisies. "Departer o' the Volun- 
 
THE FAMINE IN INDIA. 175 
 
 teers from Belgium," "Dinner of the Conservatif Asso- 
 ciation," " Fashionable Movements of the Earl of So- 
 and-So," and " Marriage in High Life betwixt Thingamy 
 and the Fair Dauter of somebody else." 
 
 Suddintly I received a vilent shock, for jist as I was 
 a goin' to lay the paper down I stumbled bolt upon the 
 follerin' : — 
 
 " India. 
 
 " Further news of the famine at Orissa and its neighbour- 
 hood, on the south-west coast of Bengal, has reached us. It 
 is calculated that from two to two and a-half millions of 
 people have perished of hunger in five months — that is to say, 
 twice the population of Denmark or of Greece, eight Suffolks, 
 six Hampshires, five-sixths of Scotland, or five hundred 
 thousand heads of houses, iive hundred thousand mothers, and 
 fifteen hundred thousand children. 
 
 "The present revenue of India is £46,000,000/., and there 
 are £14,000,000 in the treasuries. 
 
 u The Viceroy is in the hills." 
 
 And that was all. Now, if I had had time to be 
 prepared for it, I shouldn't have cared ; but comin' on 
 me in this naked way it kind o' ketched me like a stitch 
 in the side, and sez I to Betsy, " You can help the 
 children, but I won't take no pie to-day, I thank yer, 
 Mrs. Sprouts— I'm full." 
 
 " What do yer mean, Josef, my dear ?" says Betsy — 
 " indisgestion ?" 
 
 "No, my luv," sez I, "telegrams." And I handed 
 her the paper, and one minnit arter she had read that 
 she was sobbin' as if her heart would break, and kiss, 
 kiss, kissin' our youngest child, which she had clutched 
 away from the table, spoon in hand, before he had time 
 to finish his pie ; while the cat, which is unused to 
 these sort of interruptions at meals, looked up from his 
 bone, give a short ironical sneeze, and fioo under the 
 dresser. 
 
 H Oh, Josef," says Elizabeth, " isn't it a'most enough 
 
176 MIL SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 to make yer ask yourself whether the Bible's true ? 
 Oh, them poor black mothers with their hungry babies ! 
 Oh, my God !" 
 
 " You mustn't take on so, Betsy, none the more for 
 that," says I. "Look how you've frightened all the 
 children." 
 
 I'd hardly finished before down she dabs the child 
 agin, and makin' a dash at his plate she filled it up with 
 sich a slice of pie as I never see, except in a pantomime, 
 in my life. "Eat, children, eat for God's sake, and 
 have your fill," she says, serving the rest on 'em the 
 same as fast as she could ladle ; and in course they fell 
 to agin with all the readiness of youth, when it fancies 
 it sees a short cut to a appyplexy. 
 
 " Oh, Josef !" says Betsy, " two million people starved 
 to death ! What has the Queen bin doin', and where 
 was the Housis of Parlyment, and what was the Gover- 
 ment a thinkin' of, and what did all the clergymen in 
 the House of Lords say, and where was the generals of 
 the army, and where was the ships of the navy — where 
 was everybody that had the power to order, and the 
 wherewithal to give, while two million of people 
 was bein' starved to death ?" You see, she is a simple, 
 unedicated creatur', and talks very much as her diges- 
 tion guides hen 
 
 "The Queen, my dear," I sez, "has bin in retire- 
 ment, and the Housis o' Parlyment was bizzy phessunt 
 shootin', and the Goverment was a-sueing Mr. Snider, 
 and the clergy had their exhibition of Roming candles 
 and clothes, and the generals was a lookin' arter their 
 pickles, and the ships was tryin' experryments with a 
 patent gun. Everywhere — everywhere, as the papers 
 sez, man has been actif and progressive, and the pleasin 
 result is thirteen shots a minnit, and a broadside of two 
 hundred and fifty pounders with the chill off." 
 
 "And what have you bin doin', you old hidget?" 
 sez Betsy. 
 
 I was rayther upset by the questin, but I set it down 
 
THE FAMINE IN INDIA, 177 
 
 to her ignorance, poor creetur, so I simply said, " I 
 have bin tryin' to be literairy, my dear." 
 
 " And all the other poets and paper smiters — where 
 was they," cries she, a stampin' with her foot, " while 
 the bowels of a couple o' million of the Almighty's 
 creeturs was wastin' away for want of food ?" " Chiefly 
 subscribing to the Eyre Fund," says I, enterin' a dig- 
 nified protest agin the tyranny of numbers. "You 
 have got a very poor head for figgers, Mrs. Sprouts," 
 I sez, " or you wouldn't ask sich foolish questins." 
 
 "Then whose fault was it," says she, rocking back- 
 wards and forrards in her chair — "I want to know 
 
 whose fault was it that two million o' people 
 
 "Why, the mind can't think on it, Josef, dear," she sez, 
 a-sobbin'. You can't get no idee about the numbers. 
 Five hundred thousand fathers ! Why, if starvation 
 was to* overtake half-a-dozen Lord Mare's Shows it 
 wouldn't be nothink to it. Five hundred thousand 
 mothers ! And can so many hearts break, and still 
 the world go on ? Fifteen hundred thousand children ! 
 Are there so many angels, then, in Heaven ? But it 
 can't be true. Surely the wise people that is sent to 
 rule us must ha' knowed the famine was a comin'." 
 
 " Yes, they knowed it was a comin'. People wrote 
 and told 'em on it months afore it come," says I •, " but 
 what o' that ?" 
 
 "And what did they do ? Tell me that," she sez — 
 " what did they do ?" 
 
 "Why, they waited till it come, I s'pose," sez I. I 
 was a gettin' rayther uncomfortable, for somehow I 
 hate cross questions ; it alius reminds me of havin' to 
 pay a fine. 
 
 And then she sez, "When it did come, what then ?" 
 
 "They telegraffed out to England for subscriptions." 
 
 " But what was the people doin' while the subscrip- 
 tions was a bein' riz ?" 
 
 " Dyin' in every city, in every villij, in every farm, in 
 every little cabin, among the hills, over a space o' 
 
 N 
 
178 MR. SPROUTS BIS OPINIONS. 
 
 ground larger than all England and Wales. None but 
 the dead left to bury the dead. Dogs a feedin' on the 
 carcases. The very chickens peckin' one another for 
 the want o' grain ; the women sellin' one child for a 
 draught o' milk, and dyin' before they could put it to 
 the other's lips ; the markits empty ; the law courts 
 silent ; the crow of babies turned into the death-rattle, 
 and the boastin' talk of mothers into one loud continyel 
 wail that for five months went up night and day, and 
 day and night, to the Throne of God." I was obliged 
 to stop myself here, for I found I was a goin' on too 
 fast. It's wonderful how catchin' is a woman's tears. 
 
 " But was there no stores of things to eat in the other 
 parts of Indy ?" sez my wife. "Why didn't the Go- 
 vernment that was sent to rule 'em send 'em food ?" 
 
 " Well, so they did," I sez ; " but they hadn't got 
 no money to buy it with when it was sent." 
 
 " Then why didn't they give it 'em ?" 
 
 "What, Government give the food without the 
 money ! Why, then they'd have had to pay for it 
 theirselves, and what would ha' become of their seven- 
 teen million pounds o' money which they'd saved up 
 and put away ?'' 
 
 " O, may their seventeen millions be a curse to 'em," 
 cried Betsy, in her random way, " if they saved a penny 
 of it while there was hungry mouths to feed !" 
 
 " I can assure you, my dear," sez I, " that nothing 
 could ha' bin done. They starved quite accordin' to 
 rool. It seems they're alius starvin' over there, and 
 they've got in a manner o' speakin' used to it, though 
 I'm not a-goin' for to say but what it hurts 'em. Still, 
 you see, there's bin so many famines that they've got 
 quite a regilar way of dealin' with 'em, which they're 
 obliged to stick to it, or else the Government couldn't 
 be carried on. The Government's not supposed to 
 know anythink about the famine till the people begins to 
 die, which is what we calls a legal notice ; but as soon 
 as they find the people reely is a-dyin', they stirs them- 
 
THE FAMINE IN INDIA. 179 
 
 selves, from the biggest big-wig to the very park-keepers, 
 and immejutly appoints that triump of actif wisdom called 
 a board. Then the big-wigs goes up to their country 
 seats and haves high jinks there with all the big- wigs 
 in the neighbourhood, like virtuous people which have 
 done their best. Meantime, the board begins to work 
 with all the dare-devil dash and rashness which belongs 
 to boards. Directly they meets every morning in comes 
 that most sacred institootion, the beadle, and makes his 
 bow. " How many dead last night ?" says the board. 
 " Three hundred and fifty, an' please your honours," 
 says the beadle. " Thankye," says the board. " I 
 move that that news be telegrafFed to the Governor- 
 General," says one o' the splinters. " I beg to second 
 that," says another. " Hold hard," cries the sekky- 
 terry, " that's agin Rool 225, and it can't be done." 
 This brings on a pretty lively debait, but the tellygraff 
 party carries it, and off it goes. That is what they calls 
 a statistick ; and as soon as the Governor-General gits 
 it, he sends it off to us in England, and the board goes 
 off to lunch. As soon as we gits the news in England 
 we begins to raise subscripshuns ; and there, you see, 
 how beautiful is the laws of property. There's plenty 
 o' food a waitin', an' plenty o' ships to carry it, but till 
 the money's raised to pay for it, not a penn'orth of it 
 stirs. This way of dealin' with a famine is named 
 routeen, and when the people die in spite of it, it's what 
 they calls a dispensation of Providence, and we pray for 
 'em in the churches. But jest consider what might 
 happen, Betsy, if the Goverment went on in your 
 harum-skarum way. If the Governor-General was to 
 spend the Goverment money he might be sent for to 
 come back to England in disgrace, and lose his title and 
 his honours, and there'd be a pretty how d'ye do for 
 the children of a British swell to think their father lost 
 his sitivation through not knowin' which was the most 
 vallyable — English sovereigns or Injun blacks." 
 
 " Ah, we don't go on in that way now," says Betsy, 
 
180 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " for you don't mean it, dear, I know. With all your 
 cunning you was the innercentest man alive when fust I 
 knew yer. The Joe I fell in love with was a rough- 
 and-ready, word-and-blow young feller, with a heart 
 inside of him which whatever it told him he should do 
 he did it, and was pretty nearly alius right. Be the 
 same Joe. Be like him, for I don't want to marry 
 twice. Ah, since you've took up with them nasty 
 Tories, how much you're changed. You calls your 
 fine old noble natur' instinkt, and tries to shake it off, 
 and put a fine new thing called reason in its place, but 
 you wasn't made for reason, Joe, nor reason made for 
 you ; there isn't enough sperrit in it to keep yer warm> 
 and I sometimes thinks that what's the case with you is 
 the case with pretty nigh all the rest of English people, 
 great and small. There's a sort o' devilish hardness — 
 mind, I'm not a swearin' — comin' over people which 
 sickens me, and frightens me the more I think about 
 and see it. They git astride o' big-named hobby-horses, 
 which runs away with 'em, and leaves love and simple- 
 ness and manhood far behind. Look at every whipper- 
 snapper boy, whose mother kep a chandler's shop, and 
 was a credit to her station — he togs hisself in black and 
 white and shiny leather, and talks about the ignorance 
 of the masses, and asks where property and intelligence 
 is a-goin' to if you gives power to the hydry-headed 
 mob. That's reason, and, you see, it only lands the 
 pore spooney in a furze bush full o' knotty points and 
 prickles, as a high-bred donkey does a Cockney up at 
 Hampstead 'Eath. Wouldn't it be well, before he talks 
 of property and intelligence, — neither o' which belongs 
 to him — to think a bit of poverty and ignorance, and 
 put his shoulder to that wheel, and try to give it a histe 
 on to dryer ground ? As for his betters, where are 
 they ? Why, sittin' astride o' reason, too, and gallopin' 
 over sympathies and feelings in their mad race to the 
 devil. Hundreds o' blacks is cut to pieces in Jamaky, 
 their houses burnt, their women flogged. Says Feelin', 
 
 
THE FAMINE IN INDIA. 181 
 
 c What a shame !' and down she sits and sobs out 
 ' Murder/ for that's the English word. ' Oh, no/ says 
 Reason, ' that's what we calls a measure of repression, 
 a part and parcel of the art o' government.' And when 
 we listens for the great voices that God sent to march 
 before us in the darkness and show the way — why, 
 what say they ? they tell us killin' ain't murder, and call 
 it pretty names — as ' British energy/ and ' preservation 
 of order/ and the like ; and puts their ginnies down to 
 feast the murderer, till we begins to feel as they have 
 let their lamps drop, and is gropin' about in a wusser 
 darkness than ourselves. And as for this here famine, 
 I tell yer, Joe, if the wail of fifteen hundred thousand 
 infants, black or white, a-clingin' to their mothers' milk- 
 less breasts, is not loud enough for us to hear with all 
 our reason, yet it will be heerd for all that ; and it will 
 be the wuss for us that we didn't stop and listen to it 
 before it went up to the judgment seat o' God." 
 
 With that the old lady took and put the empty pie 
 dish in the cupboard, and then she kissed the children, 
 which had made theirselves round and podgy as little 
 sawdust dolls, and finished up with me. I kissed 'em 
 too, and for a few moments the " Grand Conservatif 
 policy" and "Propperty and intelligence" looked so 
 mouldy, that I'd ha' parted with 'em considerable under 
 cost price ; but arter a bit, as reason slowly got the 
 better on me, my eyes got dry, 1 pushed the children 
 off my knee and cuffed the kat, and finished up with a 
 article in the Times. 
 
182 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIOIsS. 
 
 
 A FEW CRUMBS. 
 
 KNOO a old man in my youth that I used to meet 
 
 in a sertain spot every evenin, in a well-brushed hat 
 konsiderably the wuss for grease. I alius used to saloot 
 im with these words, " Ah, there you are agin, Mr. 
 Snaffle, and where may yer be bound for now ?" and 
 he alius used to reply " Going to pick up a few crums, 
 Mr. Sprouts ; going to pick up a few crums." He 
 ment he was going to chapel ; but that was his poetikal 
 way of expressing hisself. He arterards tride to kom- 
 mit a bigamy, and I have not seen im since. 
 
 The presint remarks will be in the natur of a few 
 crums — they cannot be called a loaf, for there is nothin 
 to bind em together. I have borrered that old man's 
 words for a title, but I have not borrered any of his 
 habits. I am still the husband of one wife. 
 
 There is a tide in the affairs of every ally when their 
 appens one of them periodikal visitations kalled a Irish 
 fite. At sich times the peaseful stranger returnin ome- 
 wards in the evenin from his work is met at the top of 
 the ally by a Irishman which steps out of a hidin plase 
 and sez to im, " Good evenin* to yer, Mr. So-and-so, 
 and ow do ye find yourself, honey, and which side do 
 ye sthrike for, the Driskolls or the M' Joys ?" And 
 then another Irishman steps out from a opperzite hidin 
 plase, and he sez exackly the same ; which questions 
 puts yew in this ticklish position — if you sez you're for 
 the M'Joys you're sure to git your hed broke by the 
 ambassydur to the Driskolls, and if you sez you're for 
 the Driskolls you'll git your krown cracked by the 
 famerly fysishian to the M'Joys ; and if you sez you're 
 neither for one nor t'other, they'll both forget their petty 
 
 
A FEW CRUMBS. 183 
 
 differences in a momint, and play " Rory O'More" upon 
 your bump o' benevolense together. 
 
 The reason of this is bekos they're a sperrited people 
 and can pardon a feller for takin the wrong side, but 
 can't forgive him for takin no side at all. For my part, 
 I was for sum time unable to understand what sperrit 
 ment. But before and arter our union my wife was 
 alius sneerin at me for the want of it, and akkordin to 
 her idees it seemed to konsist in a tendiansy to striking 
 people fust and arterwards askin em to explane their- 
 selves. Like all her sekt, she was very fond of sperrited 
 men. One nite I was takin her out for a walk, and in 
 turnin abruply round a korner I neerly knocked a me- 
 chanick down. I begged his pardin and parsed on, 
 whereupon my gentle pardner remarked in a somewhat 
 vinnegery tone that " pussons wich undertook the kare 
 of weak and tremmylous feemails ought for to be reddy 
 to defend em." " What d'ye mean ?" sez I. " Oh, 
 nothin," sez she, " only sum people is sperrited and sum 
 is not — that's all." Whereupon I depozited her in a 
 cook shop for safety and went back to the mechanick 
 and proudly asked im what he meant by b'jmpin aginst 
 his betters. "Oh," sez he, in a slitely furrin aksent, 
 " is that what ye mane, darlin ? — step this way," and 
 he took me up a court and in the short space of fiftene 
 minnits gave me the kompletist thrashin I ever had in 
 my life. " I ope you haven't punished im too severely, 
 deer," says Elizurbeth when I kum back. "No," sez 
 I gloomy, " he still lives, but I fansy by this time he 
 knows the difference between a man of sperrit and a 
 kur ; " and then she embrased me warmly, and sez she, 
 " Ah, if you was alius to akt like that, luv, ow much 
 appier we should both on us be !" She was very joviel 
 for the remaneder of the evenin. Yet, strange to say, 
 there was a dampness about my feelins that I couldn't 
 shake off. Such is the effekts of sperrit. But to 
 resoom. 
 
 It strikes me that the row now goin on in England 
 
184 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 at the presint time is very much like the Irish fite, par- 
 ticklerly in this respect, that you must jine on one side 
 or the other, seein that it is gettin more and more im- 
 possible to keep out of it every day. It is a tussel wich 
 has bin goin on ever since the world was a world — the 
 tussel between two classes to see wich is best man ; be- 
 tween the one class wich, up to the presint time, has 
 had the cheef place on the box seat, and the whip and 
 the ribbins pretty much in its own hands, and the other 
 class which as hitherto up to the presint bin kwietly 
 sittin in the body o' the karryvan, and bin druv akkordin 
 to the sweet pleshure of the driver. The kwestin now 
 is which shall hold the ribbins ; which shall be best 
 man — nothin less.' At fust there was a weak attempt 
 of the Radekals to deny this — they kum forrard very 
 civel with their kaps off, and sez they, " We fancy 
 you've bin a bumpin of us lately, and that you've lost 
 your way ; we fancy the road is rayther knubbly, and 
 that the wehicle would git along better if you'd let us 
 take a turn at the rains ;" but, " No," says our coach- 
 man, proudly, " I was born the driver of this wehicle, 
 my friends, and though these arms may be old and 
 feeble, its driver I will remain ; and what is more," he 
 sez, a crackin of his whip, " if yew kum to me with 
 any more ungrateful murmurins, / will stem your tide." 
 And so it become a reglar tussel for the box seat. 
 
 Was not this nobel ? Him and hisn was a still small 
 party beginnin to suffer from indigession and rayther 
 weak in the wrists ; them and theirn was young and 
 lusty, and outnumbered him and hisn as twenty to one. 
 Abuv all, was it not sperrited, was it not wise ? 
 
 This sort o' thing is kalled the art o' government. 
 We're apprentised to it arter we leeves the univer- 
 seeties. 
 
 Before a grate battel is komin off in one of the back 
 settlements there's nothink so butiful as to sit at a garrit 
 windy and watch the marshallin of the forses, to wonder 
 which side the greengrocer '11 take, to notis the milkman 
 
A FEW CRUMBS. 185 
 
 boldly kastin in his lot with the undertaker, and the 
 undertaker proudly holdin aloof till he's made up his 
 mind which side is likely to have most to berry. This 
 sort of marshallin is going on in our deer old England 
 jest now. One qwestin arter another kums up and 
 separates men from one another as butiful as a patent 
 sieve ; them that yields to the perpetyel motion among 
 huming arms and heads, and stirs themselves and falls 
 throo the sieve, is kalled the " 'erd" and the " infinit 
 menny," and forms a party by theirselves ; but them as 
 can't be got to stir with all the shakin, but remanes 
 exackly where they was, is kalled the " superior klasses," 
 the " assortid few," " propperty and intelligense," and 
 other devil-may-kare names, and forms another party 
 too. A enlitened selfishniss makes a man like to see 
 Piggins walk into 'is trap instid of his naybur's, and as 
 I'm one of the enlitened few, I must konfess to a slite 
 feelin of rapter when I behold another rekroot pocket 
 the shillin so lib'rally offered under that flag — and don't 
 I behold it every day ? When I see a judge frownin at 
 one union man who earns a pound a week, while he 
 winks at the other who earns forty ; when I see a 
 patriot which prayed for the life of Davis, perspirin for 
 the death of Burke ; when I heer a warrior say that to 
 teach English cittyzens to know their rites is to teach 
 robbers to know their power ; and when I heer a huming 
 being deklare that what is murder at Seven Diles is 
 simply martial law in Jamaky — I cries "Hooray! 
 another for our side." 
 
 Arter the rekrootin and the drillin, the marchin and 
 the takin up of persitions, the battle kums ; and then, 
 amid brite fireworks and a host of other startlin effeckts, 
 pervided qwite regardliss of expense, the puzzlin kwestin 
 is settled — who's best man. 
 
 A short penny readin from the history of our natif 
 land : — 
 
 " When Providence, wishin to give the Scots an 
 excuse for buildin a monnvment, allowed em to win the 
 
186 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 battel of Bannickburn, the English army was upset by 
 fallin hed over eels into sum pits artfully konsealed from 
 view with Kaledonian birdlime and twigs. As soon as 
 they was well in the pits a kwantity of old ladies 
 emerjed from Free Kurk Presbyterean Meeting-house, 
 where they had hitherto bin prayin in ambush, and 
 played a seleckshun of nashional airs on the heds of the 
 British, with stools, and hymn books, bits of the old 
 red sandstone, and porshions of the pews. Those of 
 our brave kountrymen which had not fell into the pits 
 immejutly returned 'ome ; the battle was won, and the 
 king ordered hot haggis all round, whisky, and other 
 rejoicins." 
 
 Moral : Never despise the 'elp of the aged wimmen 
 — they can be as spiteful as anybody in a good cause. 
 
 I have all along had the idee that the next moove 
 our party ought to play in the battel with the Radekals 
 is to fall back on the House o' Lords, and I took the 
 liberty of saying so the other day at a sort of privit 
 counsel of war, kalled to konsider in which direckshun 
 we should run away. It was more of a frendly talk 
 than a bizniss affair, and we sit in the third room on 
 the rite over the kole-sellar as you go into Downing- 
 street from Whitehall — a clean plase, paved with stone, 
 where the servints ushilly takes their meels. 
 
 Ben seemed to like the notion. " It seems in 'armony 
 with the theory of the constitootion, Joe," he sez. " I 
 have orfen thawt that the House of Lords was ment to 
 be like one o' them steambote pads which they throws 
 overboard to prevent the hed of the vessel from gratin' 
 aginst the peer ; it is a kind of buffer, in fack, a colleck- 
 shun of buffers, which is to be used to deaden the shock 
 whenever the two parties in the State threatens to bump 
 one another." 
 
 Peel, who was presint as a frend, remarked that the 
 House of Lords was kreatid long before the invenshion 
 of steambotes. 
 
 Ben sed that had nothink to do with the argyment ; 
 
A FEW CRUMBS. 187 
 
 it was proberble that the idee of the steambote pad 
 which he had took the liberty to use as a illustration 
 was fust derived from the House o' Lords. What he 
 wanted to show was that, as at present existin', they 
 was a set of constitootional buffers or pads. Now, 
 what was the bo ideel of a buffer ? Why, that it 
 should be well stuffed with things kalkilated to resist 
 pressure from without. Well, wasn't the House of 
 Lords well stuffed ? They had rum noshions there, 
 which it was found that not even the pressure of ages 
 had kaused to stir a peg. 
 
 Stanley said he thought the Lords showed sum symp- 
 tims of fiavin' had too much korn ; he should be glad 
 to see 'em a little more livelier at times. 
 
 Ben sed he didn't see it at all : buffers had no rite to 
 be lively, they had no bizniss with emoshon. Think 
 of a steambote pad showin' sines of distress bekos a 
 man was overbord. That was only one speciment of a 
 set of errors that had got about concernin' the Upper 
 House. Sum persons thawt the Lords ought to be the 
 fathers of the people, and lead them forth when starvin' 
 and troubled heer to find pease and plenty in other 
 worlds. He himself in his youth had ventered to sketch 
 out a rough idee of what the lord should be ; he had 
 writ a pikter of a villij in which, as soon as the bell 
 tolls in the mornin', the lord jumps out o' bed, puts on 
 his slippers, and goes down to his front dore, where a 
 long purcession of the paupers as lives around him is 
 waitin' for their mornin' toke ; the lord destribbits the 
 toke, and goes back to prayers ; and the people has a 
 short sarvice also, windin' up with a hymn to Patiense ; 
 then they turns out to work. He had since seen reason 
 to beleev that even that was wrong, it cawsed the 
 lord to exart himself too much — to bekum no longer a 
 buffer, but a noosance ; and he was glad to see the 
 aristokracy hadn't took his advice. His present opinyun 
 of the Upper House was that it ought to be like a little 
 Hevin below, where fellers could go and be qwiet, and 
 
188 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 he was pleesed to find that that view had bin took by 
 one of the Lib'ral papers which spoke in a resint artikle 
 of " such men as Lord Cranborn and Lord Stanley" 
 bein' called "in the course of natur' to the Upper 
 House." Ah, when one thought of how the world in 
 general sweated, and toiled, and groaned — of the 
 perpetyel heavings of the mass of sinfulness and poverty 
 that riz up all around us on every side, ragin' with 
 hunger and the madnisses of ignorance and depair — 
 there was something magnifisent in the contrast exhi- 
 bited by them immortal constitootional buffers, kalm 
 with the swallerin' of much korn, dreamy with the 
 contemplashun of riches they could never 'ope to kount, 
 smilin' and kareless as the gods of the heathens of old, 
 and doing half the government of the nashion with the 
 meer Parliamentary kushions that once a yeer reseeved 
 the indentashions of their nobel forms. 
 
 (Applaws. Snuff handid round, and cries of 
 " Sprouts.") 
 
 My speech was short. I said as I believed that what 
 we had at presint met to konsider was " the next 
 moove." I thought it was very simpel ; fust let the 
 Commons give the Radekals everything they ask for, 
 and even ask 'em if they'd like to have any more. Give 
 everybody votes all round, and two to every pusson 
 blessed with twins, in place of the ushel royal reward ; 
 then send the bill up to the Lords with a prayer for its 
 suksess. Let the Lords kick it out ; this will put the 
 affair off for another year or two, and meanwhile you 
 are safe enough in orfis, for " haven't we dun every- 
 thing we could, gentlemen ? — you see it isn't our fault." 
 " If Reform is put off for a year or two, f rends," sez I, 
 " it is put off altogether, for who knows what may not 
 happen in the meantime — war, famine, or pleg, or 
 somethin' else in the natur' of a providential red-herrin' 
 — to take the poppylar party off the sent ? When once 
 the Lords has got you off this dooty you may remodel 
 'em if you like, for they won't be wantid agin •, you 
 
 > 
 
CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION 189 
 
 may create as many life peers as they'll stand, and if 
 they objeck to being idle, you may give 'em some lite 
 dooties, sich as the licensin' of publik houses and regis- 
 trashion of berths and deths." 
 
 I have no space to deskribe what follered. It was 
 arranged that my plan should have a trial, and the fust 
 step should be took in the shape of a " feeler" put 
 forrard by the Times. 
 
 Josef Sprouts. 
 
 A CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S 
 DEPUTATION. 
 
 " *\T7*HAT'S to be done, then, to save the nashion, 
 
 VV Joe?" 
 
 The speaker was Ben, the list'ner was me. The 
 apartment in which we sit was elegantly gilded ; it was 
 in Downin'-street. There was whisky on the table ; 
 there was more on it in the kupbord. Life ought to 
 ha' seemed joyous, and yet our harts was low. 
 
 "Bother the nashion," sez I, sulky, "let it save 
 itself. I've saved it more than three times a week on a 
 average for the last five months, and I don't think I've 
 made more than eighteenpence a save." 
 
 " Oh, don't talk like that, old man. 
 
 " « It'll nebber do to gib it up so, Mr. Brown, 
 It'll nebber do to gib it up so,' " 
 
 sez he, chantin' a broken fragmint of a kullered melody. 
 " Try a little more of the invigorator. There, hi — 
 without there, fill Mr. Sprouts's glarse." 
 
 The descendint of one of the barrons that worrited 
 King John now entered the room, on a salary of ninety 
 pounds a yeer — havin' passed a examination in six 
 
190 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 langwidges, three sienses, and all the back numbers of 
 the hist'ry of the world from the beginnin' of the 
 new series under Noar, for the privilige. He humbly 
 filled the glarses, and withdroo. 
 
 I sipped and meused, meused and sipped, strange 
 idees flitted akross my brain, but none on 'em would 
 do. At last sumthing flashed on me, and I looked up. 
 
 " What is it, old man ?" 
 
 " A deppytation of Conservatif working-men." 
 
 He was inokkulated, but it was some time before the 
 idee took ; he seemed to have a difficulty in enlargin' 
 his mind. He was silint for a few minnits, and kep* 
 murmuring " No, it's too ridiculus. But there, why 
 should it be ?" he sez to hisself agin, " nothing's too 
 ridiculus for this age." He looked up. 
 
 " If I understand you ritely, Mr. Sprouts," sez he in 
 severe offishial tones, " you knows a number of intelli- 
 gent, respectable artisans who are only anxius for the 
 oppertoonity to come forrard and express their confi- 
 dence in her Majesty's Government." 
 
 " Exackly," sez I. 
 
 A wink and a mutuel poke in the ribs with the sugar- 
 tongs is alius understood between men of the world. I 
 was conduckted to a kind of powder-chest, on which 
 was written the words " Sekret sarvice." I filled 
 my pockits with ammynition, and shortly arterwards 
 withdroo. 
 
 I went back to Kolly flour-alley, Seven Diles, the 
 old alley. I'm livin' there agin now. All my fortin is 
 spent. My son is banish'd from my roof, and now 
 delivers speeches on Clarkenwell-green. My dawter 
 is at sea. I have bin set up in bizniss as a coke 
 marchint, and have turned the old front parler into a 
 orfis and sample room. When Parlement isn't sitting I 
 okasionally travels for orders with the old barrer, and 
 Neddy in the shafts. He is well, but his teeth wants 
 lookin' to. I am alone with Betsy and my own vicis, 
 and the vicis troubles me least. 
 
CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION 191 
 
 The fust thing was to get a privit meetin' of Conser- 
 vatif workmen at my own house, but it was no easy 
 matter. It's wonderful what indifference there is on 
 perlitekel matters among the lowly born. I tride the 
 kobbler fust. " Didn't it never strike you, Bill," sez I, 
 one evenin' when we was smokin' a pipe, " as how 
 there's a deal o' Conservatit feelin' in the kountry if it 
 could only be called fawth ?" 
 
 He's a dreadfully slow old noosance ; it takes 'im a 
 long time to git the meer bearins of a idee into his 
 mind, and to see what yew mean ; also he's deaf. 
 
 " A deal o' what feelin' ?" sez he, arter smokin' for 
 a kwarter of an 'our without speakin' a word. 
 
 " Conservatif feelin'," sez I, makin' a yeer tnimpit 
 with my fist, and bawlin' thro' that. 
 
 " No dowt, no dowt," sez he in a foggy way. " Lor 
 bless you, there's plenty o' things about as nobody 
 takes no akkount of." 
 
 " Conservatizm is a grand thing," sez I, tryin' 'im 
 on another tack. 
 
 "What is it?" sez he; "I don't go much to the 
 theaytres now." 
 
 "O, it ain't a play," sez I. "Well, what is it?" 
 
 sez he. "Why," sez I, "it's Let's see, what is 
 
 it ?" (' Anged if I knew what it was for the minnit.) 
 " Why, it's conservin' — presarvin', you know." 
 
 " Ah !" sez the old brute, " don't talk to me," he sez. 
 " There's nothin' out as'll beat the old-fashioned stitched 
 sole with a little dubbin when the winter kums ; as for 
 pegs, and all them noo-fashioned, everlastin' komper- 
 zitions," he sez, "they ain't a bit o' good. Things 
 must wear out." 
 
 " You're a hidjut," sez I. 
 
 "What?" sez he, strainin' to ketch it, "I don't heer 
 so sharp as I used, but maybe, maybe you're rite." 
 
 "Would yer make one in a Conservatif deppytation ?" 
 sez I, losin' my temper, and puttin' it to 'im plump 
 throo mv two flsties. 
 
192 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 " Oh, yes," sez he, meekly, " anythink o* that sort, 
 you know, for a change. I ain't had a day's outin' for 
 fifteen yeer. Is it at the old Rye 'Ouse ?" 
 
 I had much adoo to keep myself from fallin' on him, 
 but I refraned, for it wouldn't do to take damaged 
 froot to Whiteall. I tride the milkman next, but he 
 sed he wouldn't have nothink to do with it bekos we 
 wasn't goin' in a van. 
 
 What was to be done? It was evident I should 
 never git 'em at this rate. There was nothink for it 
 but a advertizement, so I put the follerin' in Gamp's 
 Messenger and the Worm :— 
 
 tl A fortin for thrippence. The advertizer, a gentleman 
 of propperty, havm' for menny yeers bin troubbled with a 
 kough, akkumpanied with shootin' pains between the sholeders, 
 but now feelin' better, will be 'appy to instruckt all pussons as 
 kan kommand the abuv for registrashion fees in a lite and 
 profitable bizniss, larnt in a day, and warrantid to put them 
 in the same persition as he is hisself. 
 
 " The money wantid not nessesarily for publickation, but 
 as a guarantee of good faith- 
 
 "Address X. Y. Z., kare of the koke marchint, Kolly- 
 flour-alley, Seven Diles. 
 
 "N.B. — Karpits beat and lite work dun with hoss and 
 kart." 
 
 The fust feller as arnsered in pusson was a kreetur 
 with long filburt finger-nails, and a frock koat, wearin* 
 a nooly-ironed hat, with " Solomon's Paris" printed in 
 the inside, and patent lether boots evidently stitched in 
 placis by a woman's lovin' hand. 
 
 Before leaving the room Betsy put the chiny teapot, 
 containin' her mother's weddin'-ring, our marridge 
 sertifikit, and old Chigley's silver watch, in the kupbord, 
 and locked the dore. 
 
 " What is it ?" sez the man in the frock koat. " Any- 
 think in this line ?" sez he, prodoocin a kompleat 
 greasv letter writer. "I've korrisponded with all the 
 
CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION 193 
 
 nobilerty and most of the marchints of the large towns 
 We mite work together." 
 
 "It's a deppytation to Witehall," sez I. "Ah," 
 sez he, " it's no use tryin' London — that's bin worked 
 too much a' ready. Yew mite do somethin' in Cornwall ; 
 I've never heerd o' much going on there." 
 
 "It's a Conservatif deppytation," sez I. "Oh," sez 
 he, givin' a kind o' whissel, "politicks — I never thought 
 o' that. Sum on 'em doesn't seem to do bad in that 
 line either." 
 
 " Are you a workin' man ?" sez I, 
 
 "Well, yes," sez he, " I s'pose I am. Oh, yes, I've 
 worked in a mill," he sez, gloomy, " though we're 
 rayther slack jist at presint till the corn's in." 
 
 " Well, then, we'll put you down as a corn-grinder's 
 assistant," sez I, and I explaned to 'im what the skeem 
 was. 
 
 He liked it, and very soon sum other fellers kame, 
 and they liked it too. One said it was what he had 
 alius thawt was wantid. Another 'oped it might do 
 good. By nitefall I had six on 'em reddy : the cobbler 
 and the speshial correspondint aforesaid, likewise a rat- 
 ketcher on strike, and three workin' akkountants who 
 had bin thrown out of employment by Estournel not 
 winnin' the Darby. We put 'em down as farriers' 
 clarks. 
 
 They kum to my house the next day by invitashion, 
 and we at onse held a kommittee meetin', commencin' 
 with a short temperanse lecture to deceeve the naybours 
 as was hanging about the doors. Then we parsed a 
 unanimus ressylootion that we should all receeve a 
 honerary sum of five shillings a day, is. 6d. to be paid 
 in advarnce ; and arter we had entered that in the 
 minnits, I asked 'em to tee. But Betsy was very rude 
 to 'em ; she pretended she couldn't find the tee-pot, and 
 arter sekretly stintin' the dawg of his vittles, so that he 
 tride to make a meel out of one of their kotes, she 
 declared she was a goin' to the Sologikal Gardings with 
 
194 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 a friend, and went out. But I was determined not to 
 be beat ; so I made tee for 'em myself, and then went 
 into the front shop, and left 'em to their meel ; and soon 
 had the pleshur of lookin' at 'em all, as they sit enjoy in' 
 of it, throo a little peep-hole which I had drilled throo 
 the wall. 
 
 There was another pusson standin' by the side of me 
 by speshial appintment, made the nite before, and 
 peepin' throo another little hole. A pusson high in 
 orris, a pusson well known in the public prints. He 
 had kum to see if he thawt they'd do. 
 
 " They're a dredful raggid lot," he sez, arter a few 
 minnits, "and I wish yew'd picked 'em a little more 
 broad across the chest. I'm afrade they won't do as 
 they are ; you'd better take 'em down to Moses and 
 Son's, and git 'em sum workmen's cloze, and yew can 
 buy white weskits and black cloze for them two fat 
 'uns as is kwarrellin about the shrimps, and make 
 sekkyterries of 'em ; it'll give the thing a better look." 
 
 Arter he'd gone we set to work and droo up the 
 address. The feller in the frock kote would have it 
 that it ought to begin with " Havin' a wife and twelve 
 small children out o' work, we beg to submit ourselves 
 to your honourable benevolense," but I thawt that style 
 didn't seem kwite perlitekal enufF, so we did it in a 
 more unfeelin' way. 
 
 The next day was the eventfull day, and in the 
 mornin' the follerin' appeared in all the Conservatif 
 papers : — 
 
 " We have very much pleasure in stating that to-day the 
 Earl of Epsom and the Right Honorable Exchekker Ben 
 will receeve a deppytation, representin' a noomerous body of 
 workin' men, who, we beleeve, wish to convay to her Majesty's 
 Ministers their entire approoval of the korse pursood by 'em 
 on Reform." 
 
 I took em down in the mornin' to Moses, and dressed 
 two of the sportin' akkountants as blacksmiths out for 
 
CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION. 195 
 
 the day. The man at fust tride severil of his soots on 
 'em, but all on 'em was too big, and he sed he s'posed 
 they'd bin out some time on strike, for they was sartinly 
 the leanist blacksmiths that had ever entered his shop. 
 At larst, what with stuffin 'em in various plasis, we got 
 the cloze to stick on, but it rekwired a kwarter of a 
 pound of waddin' up each sleeve to make the mussels 
 of their sturdy rite arms, and even then they looked drop- 
 sikal rayther than strong. As for the other akkountant 
 and the man in the frock kote, I bought 'em a black bob- 
 tail and white weskit apiece, sich as treasurers and sekke- 
 terries weers before committin' forgery upon the stage. 
 I also added a stock, a pair of trousers with a fob to 
 'em, pumps, and a kurly-brimmed 'at, so as to give 'em 
 the air of men who, though they had raised theirselves 
 by their own exershions, was still loyal to our anshient 
 institootions and ways. They kicked vilent at the stock, 
 and sed it hurt their chins ; but I told 'em this was 
 a time to forgit all petty difFerenses, as we was engaged 
 in a great work. They said it was a preshious dry 
 work, and I was obliged to refresh 'em with beer, and 
 it was wunderful 'ow the mixter disappeared now that 
 the passij of their necks was straitened by the stocks. 
 
 As for the kobbler, he appeared simply as a kobbler, 
 and the ratketcher was attired as a farmer's boy, so that 
 town and kountry might both be properly represented. 
 I was dressed as a Seven Diles bird fansier in oliday 
 costoom — a red flour'd weskit, a velveteen kote, gaiters, 
 a yaller fogle, and a white hat with a black band. As 
 soon as I had settled for their uniforms, and got em out 
 of Moses', we started direckly for Downin-street. 
 
 But we hadn't got far before the hidjut of a sekky- 
 terry diskivered as he had left the address on the 
 kounter of a publik-house, and we had to go back for 
 it, where it was found with a bit of the korner tore off 
 to lite the treasurer's pipe, and the landlord a readin of 
 it out loud at the bar, with a uneasy idee that it was a 
 Feenian proklymashion. This vissit to the publik led 
 
196 MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 to a fresh drink all round, and by the time we had 
 finished that, one o' the blacksmiths wanted trussin up 
 afresh, for his mussels begun to give way. At larst I 
 got em out into the street agin, and the march begun 
 onse more. 
 
 I walked ahead with the two blacksmiths, for they 
 wantid lookin arter the most, the treasurer and the 
 sekkyterry followed, and the kountryman and the 
 kobbler brought up the rear. "We'd got as far as Tra- 
 falgar-sqware when on turnin round to look for em, we 
 missed em all four. Under pretence of seein where 
 they was gone to, the two blacksmiths went on too, and 
 didn't come back, and there I was a-standin before 
 St. Martin's Church alone, with the klock a pintin at a 
 kwarter to twelve, while the appintment was fixed at 
 eleven. 
 
 I went back severil streets arter em — oh, how I 
 .wished I hadn't paid em in advarnce ! — and I looked in 
 all the houses of the licensed vittlers, but all in vain ; 
 at last I see a kroud at the bottom of Maiden-lane, and 
 rekognisin our uniform in the distance, I rushed up and 
 found our treasurer in the iron grasp of the law. 
 
 " I've bin lookin for yer a long time, Jem," says the 
 perleeseman kwite plessunt ; " where have you bin all 
 this time, boy, eh ?" 
 
 " I havn't dun nothink since Simmons's affair — I 
 havn't, so help me, Peel," sez the treasurer. " Here, 
 this gentleman kan speak to my karacter," sez he, as I 
 kum up. 
 
 " Oh," sez the perleeseman, " he is another of the 
 skool, is he ?" kollarin me. " You must be up to sum 
 pretty dusty affair this time anyhow," he sez, " you've 
 all got on sich pretty kloze." 
 
 " I can assure yew, my friend," says I with dignerty, 
 " that you're mistook. We're a Conservatif deppyta- 
 tion. 
 
 " Yes," sez the perleesemen. " I know you are," he 
 sez. " That's a very stale old dodge. You needn't say 
 
CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION 197 
 
 anythink to kriminate yourself," he sez to the treasurer, 
 " but I should like to know where you got that weskit 
 from." 
 
 He was moving off, with us both under his wing, 
 when sumhow his hart seemed to misgive him, and 
 turnin to me, sez he, " As for you, you seems to me 
 more of a old fool than anythink else, and I don't know 
 yer — so you may go ; but take care what kumpany yew 
 gits into anuther time." 
 
 M Will yew oblige me by givin me the perlitekal 
 address which is in the treasurer's pocket ?" sez I. " It 
 won't be no use to yer to put in as everdence, bekos it 
 isn't stamped." 
 
 But he deklined, and I had to go away without it. 
 For a few minnits this dredful blow seemed to have took 
 away my resin. At larst I rekuvered myself suffishient 
 to git the remnant of my forces into a kab, and, arter 
 vainly tryin to write a noo address in pensil on the 
 krown of my hat, arrived with 'em safe at Downin- 
 street at a qwarter to one. 
 
 At fust the porter thought they was rekroots, and 
 told me to take em over to the Oss Guards, but when I 
 sed that we was expektid, he took us up stares, one o' 
 the miskreants meanly pinchin his leg as he was walkin' 
 up before us, and callin it a joke. We was showed 
 into a back room, and direckly the dore was shut, I 
 began to place em in persition. I akted on the prin- 
 serple adoptid in the packin of strawberries, puttin the 
 sekky terry and treasurer fust, in their white weskits, and 
 the others behind em ; the blacksmiths was a dredful 
 trouble, they seemed to be gettin more unmuskular every 
 momint ; and one on em, arter wobblin about in a un- 
 sartin way for two or three minnits, suddinly bekum 
 qwite limp and sunk down upon a chair. I remon- 
 strated with him, but he sed he had got the tooth-ake 
 and began to kry. 
 
 What was to be dun ? I could heer footsteps ap- 
 proachin — not a minnit was to be lost. I lifted him up 
 
198 MR % SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 in my arms and wedged im in the korner, puttin the 
 kountryman and the kobbler before him so as nothink 
 but his hair could be seen, and I had hardly dun so be- 
 fore a door at the other end of the apartment opened, 
 and in walked Epsom and Ben. 
 
 The site of them two fasis steadied em all in a in- 
 stant, though the one in the korner remarked out loud 
 to hisself that Epsom " hadn't got sich a hook to his 
 nose as he seemed to have in the pikters " but I don't 
 think it was heerd. Arter that he fell asleep, and didn't 
 trouble us much more. 
 
 I stepped forard, and addressin Epsom, sed — " My 
 lord, I havin kwite by charnce kum to yeer that a great 
 number of my frends and nayburs residin in one of the 
 most poppylus districks in this vast metropylis desired to 
 express to your lordship their sentiments on the subject 
 of Reform, I took the liberty to undertake to intriduse 
 em to your lordship, which I now do, and to arsk your 
 lordship to listen to a address which has been unfort- 
 nitly mislaid owin to the suddin and alarmin indisposition 
 of the treasurer ; but the sekkyterry will tell your lord- 
 ship as much on it as he can remember." 
 
 Ben, I thawt, looked skornful. Why so ? I had 
 dun my best. 
 
 I then nudged the sekkyterry and told him to begin, 
 but the kritter had got so suddenly nervous before 
 Epsom that for sum sekunds he could only garsp " My 
 lord," as if he was goin to ask for a glarse o' water. 
 At larst, arter severil false starts, he got off pretty fairly 
 with the furst words of the address : — 
 
 " My lord, we, the representatifs of the Conservatif 
 intelligence of the country" — and he stopped agin, and 
 turned round and looked at me. 
 
 " Go on," sez I. m 
 
 "What's next?" sez he. "What was it as kum 
 arter the blot ?" 
 
 "In counsel assembled, beg " sez I. 
 
 " In counsel assembled. Beg — beg — beg — beg," sez 
 
CONSERVATIVE WORKMEN'S DEPUTATION 199 
 
 he. " Go on," sez I. "Pull up your boot," sez one 
 of the blacksmiths. 
 
 " To offer five to one," sez he, guessin at it. " No," 
 he sez, " I don't mean that." 
 
 " Beg to rekwest," sez I. 
 
 " Beg to rekwest," sez he, perspirin. "I say, guv'nor," 
 he sez, turnin round, "this is worth more than five 
 shillins a day." 
 
 It was getting dredful. Epsom was beginnin to put 
 on one of his seveerest frowns, and though I kast a 
 pleadin look at Ben, he turned his fase the other way. 
 The only thing that could save us was a bold move. I 
 pushed the sekkyterry aside, and sez I : 
 
 " Beg to rekwest that, follerin a anshient Eastern kus- 
 tom, my lord, you will allow us to stoop down and 
 black your boot. We feel, my lord, that if sumthing 
 of this sort is not done, and done rapidly, reverense will 
 die out of the land Nay, my lord, do not inter- 
 rupt us," I sez, in a rich, eggy voise, " we must speak 
 — we have been silint too long, and we now raise our 
 voises under temptations wich few men could resist. 
 My lord, we likes your Reform Bill, we likes you, we 
 likes your Chansellor, we likes Walpul, we likes your 
 cheild. Brain loves yew, my lord," I sez, pintin to my 
 hed ; " mussel admires yew," pintin to the blacksmith's 
 sleeve. " Agrikultur looks upon yew as its prize turnip," 
 noddin towards the ratketcher in the smock; "and 
 propperty and intelligence," I sez, pinting to the sekky- 
 terry, "looks on you as more preshious than all the 
 ornyments hangin from its fob. We are workers with 
 brain and with mussel, with pitchfork and with pen, and 
 we have simply kum to say, Go on in the path yew have 
 chuz. Continu to wire in on that line, and yew will 
 have all these mighty forses behind yew to incorridge 
 you with their promptins whenever yew feels inklined 
 to pant by the way. My lord, we do not represent our- 
 selves only ; there is thousands more like us in this varst 
 town ; thousands who would have bin clad to kum heer 
 
200 MR. SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS. 
 
 to-day if they could have bin let out. I think that's 
 about all." (Cheers.) 
 
 Epsom's reply was breef. " This is indeed, gentle- 
 men," he sez, " a pleasin surprise. I aksept your kind 
 expreshions with pleshure," he sez, " for your perfes- 
 sion is not to talk, but to do ; yew have no doubt in 
 your time dun a good many" — here he stopped to take 
 a pinch of snuff — " good works," he continued, " and 
 it is perticklerly kind of you to now kum forrard to do 
 me" — here a messenjer havin arrived for him, he sent 
 word he should not be long — " the honour yew have, 
 It is yew, and pussons like yew, gentlemen, that we 
 should have no fear of enfranchisin ; that we have all 
 along bin tryin to enfranchise, for it is in their power in 
 the State that we see the best garantee for ours. Go 
 back," he sez, loftily, " go back, men of cunnin fingers, 
 brauny-chestid sons of tile, and tell the men you repre- 
 sents that we feels as their interests is ours, and that their 
 prinserples is the prinserples as guides us. For arter all, 
 though the objecks on which we work is different, the 
 objeck for which we work is the same; though yew 
 operates on the individual, while we performs on the 
 nashion, still Providence has dekreed one end to both 
 our acktiverties, and we should both be designated by 
 the same word. Adoo," he sez, " and take care while 
 you are goin ome that nobody pelts you." 
 
 Ben deklined to speak— he sed his hart was too full. 
 
 Arter cordially thankin the noble lord for his atten- 
 tion, the deppytation withdroo, severil of the Treasury 
 porters and a soljer off dooty kindly lendin their assist- 
 ance. 
 
 We went arterwards and saw some rattin sports, and 
 wound up the evenin in a very plessunt way. 
 
 Josef Sprouts. 
 
 
NEW BOOKS 
 
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 JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 
 
 74 & 75, PICCADILLY, LONDON, W. 
 
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 cult it is to write a book about it. Just now we know very little about Abyssinia 
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 John. Edited by John Camden Hotten, Fellow of the Ethnological Society. 
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 and general readers, it is all that can be desired." — Court Journal. 
 
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 New Book by the late Artemus Ward. 
 
 A genuine unmutilated Reprint of the First Edition of 
 
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 1785. 
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 %* A new book of daring and inimitable designs, which will excite considerable 
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 History of Signboards. A Fourth Edition. 
 
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 the book were so numerous as to defy the most wholesale depredation on the part 
 of any reviewer." 
 
 Nearly 100 most curious illustrations on wood are given, showing the various 
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 colours of the original painting said to have been executed by Hogarth. 
 
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 Horace and Virgil (The Odes and Eclogues). Translated 
 
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 THE NEW "SPECIAL" GUIDE. 
 
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 Hotten's Imperial Paris Guide. Issued under the 
 
 superintendence of Mr. CHARLES AUGUSTUS COLE, Commissioner to 
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 • # * This Guide is entirely new, and contains more Facts and Anecdotes than 
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 A SEQUEL TO THE " SHAM SQUIRE." 
 
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 Ireland before the Union. With Revelations from the 
 
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 This day, price Is., 160 pages, 
 
 A Visit to King Theodore. By a Traveller returned 
 
 from Gondar. With a characteristic Portrait. 
 * * A very descriptive and amusing account of the King and his Court by 
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 Immediately, in Crown 4to., sumptuously printed, £7. 
 
 Lives of the Saints. With 50 exquisite 4to. Illuminations, 
 
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 %* The illustrations to this work are far superior to anything of the kind ever 
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 Lost Beauties of the English Language. Eevived and 
 
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 and Public Speakers. 
 
 "Ancient words 
 That come from the poetic quarry 
 As sharp as swords." 
 
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 John Camden Hotten, 74 Sf 75, Piccadilly , London. 
 
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 NEW AND GENUINE BOOK OF HUMOUE. 
 Uniform with Artemus Ward. Crown 8vo., toned paper, price 3s. 6d. 
 
 Mr. Sprouts his Opinions. 
 
 %* Readers who found amusement in Artemus Ward's droll books will have I 
 cause co complain of this humorous production. A Costermonger who gets into 
 Parliament and become 3 one of the most "practical" Members, rivalling Berna 
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 In 3 vols. Crown 8vo., £1. lis. 6d. 
 
 Melchior Gorles. By Henry Aitchenbie. 
 
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 choose to term that strange power which some persons exercise over others, con- 
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 or will may dictate. 
 
 %* " The power of detaching the spirit from the body, of borrowing another's 
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 POPULAR MEMOIR OE FARADAY. 
 This day, Crown 8vo., toned paper, Portrait, price 6d. 
 
 Michael Faraday. Philosopher and Christian. By the 
 
 Rev. SAMUEL MARTIN, of Westminster. 
 * # * An admirable resume — designed for popular reading — of this great man's life. 
 
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 Never Caught : Personal Adventures in Twelve Successful 
 
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 %* A Volume of Adventure of thrilling interest. 
 
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 Now ready, Cheap Edition, with Map and Tinted Illustrations, 2s. 6d. 
 
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 *** A very amusing Book of Travel. 
 
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 This day, cloth neat, 5s. 
 
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 Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was chaffed about the Gorilla? 
 Why ? we ask. 
 
 Why is a chrysalis like a hot roll ? You will doubtless remark, " Because it's 
 the grub that makes the butter fly ! " But see " Puniana." 
 
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 John Camden Hotten, 74 4f 75, Piccadilly, London, 
 
NEW BOOKS. 
 
 A REPRODUCTION IN EXACT FACSIMILE, LETTER FOR LETTER, OF 
 
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 Much Adoe about Nothing. As it hath been sundrie times 
 
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 Written by WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, 1600. 
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 which, although meaningless to us, are full of suggestion to tramps, beggars, and 
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 the fourth — some extra illustrations descriptive of this curious and, it is believed, 
 ancient method of communicating the charitable or ill-natured intentions of house 
 occupants ; and he would be obliged by the receipt, at 74, Piccadilly, London, of 
 any facts which might assist his inquiry." — Notes and Queries. 
 
 UNIFORM WITH ESSAYS WRITTEN IN THE " INTERVALS OF 
 
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 This day, a Choice Book, on toned paper, 6s. 
 
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 %* A cbarming'volume of delightful Essays, with exquisitely-engraved Vignette 
 of an Old-Book Collector busily engaged at his favourite pursuit of book-hunting. 
 The work is a companion volume to Disraeli's " Curiosities of Literature," and to 
 the more recently published " Book-Hunter," by Mr. John Hill Burton. 
 
 "A PERFECT MARVEL OF CHEAPNESS." 
 Five of Scott's Novels, complete, for 3s., well bound. 
 
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 John Camden Hotten, 74 Sf 75, Piccadilly, London. 
 
8 NEW BOOKS. 
 
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 Hotten's New Book of Humour. " Artemus Ward Among 
 
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 This day, 4th edition, on tinted paper, bound in cloth, neat, price 3s. 6d. j by post, 
 
 3s. lOd. 
 
 Hotten's "Artemus Ward: His Book." The Author's 
 
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 Public Opinion. 
 
 New edition, this day, price Is.; by post, Is. 2d. 
 
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 with the sanction of the author. Every copy contains A. Ward's signature. The 
 /Saturday Beview of October 21st says of Mr. Hotten's edition : " The author com- 
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 by a native hand — one which has the gift of tickling." 
 
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 Hotten's "Artemus Ward: His Travels Among the 
 
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 and Companion of A. Ward whilst " on the Kampage." 
 
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 THE CHOICEST HUMOROUS POETRY OF THE AGE. 
 
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 This day, in three vols, crown 8vo., cloth, neat. 
 
 Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. The Original American Edition, 
 
 in Three Series, complete. Three vols., 8vo., cloth; sells at £1. 2s. 6d M now 
 
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 * # * A most mirth-provoking work. It was first introduced into this country by 
 
 the English officers who were quartered during the late war on the Canadian 
 
 frontier. They found it one of the drollest pieces of composition they had ever 
 
 met with, and so brought copies over for the delectation of their friends. 
 
 Orpheus C. Kerr [Office Seeker] Papers. First Series, 
 
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 THACKERAY AND GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 
 In small 8vo., cloth, very neat, price 4s. 6d. 
 
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10 NEW BOOKS. 
 
 THE ENGLISH GUSTAVE DORE. 
 
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 " A Munchausen sort of book. The drawings by M. Griset are very powerful 
 and eccentric." — Saturday Review. 
 
 This day, in Crown 8vo., uniform with " Biglow Papers," price 3s. 6d. 
 
 Wit and Humour. By the " Autocrat of the Breakfast 
 
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 Cheap edition, handsomely printed, price Is. 
 
 Vere Vereker : a Comic Story, by Thomas Hood, with 
 
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 %* One of the most amusing volumes which have been published for a long 
 
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 Immediately, at all the Libraries. 
 
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 Pegasus," &c, adorned with beautiful pictures of " My Lord Lion," "King 
 Uggermugger," and other great folks. 
 *** This charming volume of Original Tales has been universally praised by the 
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 Pansie: a Child Story, the Last Literary Effort of 
 
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 Post 8vo., pp 336, price 2s. 
 %* Includes original anecdotes of the Keans (father and son), the two Kembles, 
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 John Camden Rotten, 74 Sf 75, Piccadilly, London, 
 
NEW BOOKS. 11 
 
 Berjeau's (P. C.) Book of Dogs: the Varieties of Tog's as 
 
 they are found in Old Sculptures, Pictures, Engravings, and Books. 1865. 
 
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 %* In this very interesting volume are 52 plates, facsimiled from rare old En- 
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 dogs known to the ancients. 
 
 This day, elegantly printed, pp. 96, wrapper Is., cloth 2s., post free. 
 
 Carlyle on the Choice of Books. The Inaugural Address 
 
 of THOMAS CARLYLE, with Memoir, Anecdotes, Two Portraits, and View 
 of his House in Chelsea. The "Address" is reprinted from The Tim*>s," 
 carefully compared with twelve other reports, and is believed to be the most 
 accurate yet printed. 
 
 %* The leader in the Daily Telegraphy April 25th, largely quotes from the above 
 " Memoir " 
 
 In Fcap. 8vo., cloth, price 3s. 6d. beautifully printed. 
 
 Gog and Magog ; or, the History of the Guildhall Giants. 
 
 With some Account of the Giants which guard English and Continental Cities. 
 
 By F. W. FAIRHOLT, F.S.A. With Illustrations on Wood by the author, 
 
 coloured and plain. 
 %* The critiques which have appeared upon this amusing little work have been 
 uniformly favourable. The Art Journal says, in a long article, that it thoroughly 
 explains who these old giants were, the position they occupied in popular mytho- 
 logy, the origin of their names, and a score of other matters, all of much interest 
 in throwing a light upon fabulous portions of our history. 
 
 Now ready, handsomely printed, price Is. 6d. 
 
 Hints on Hats; adapted to the Heads of the People. 
 
 By HENRY MELTON, of Regent Street. With curious woodcuts of the 
 various style of Hats worn at different periods. 
 %* Anecdotes of eminent and fashionable personages are given, and a fund of 
 interesting information relative to the History of Costume and change of tastes 
 may be found scattered through its pages. 
 
 This day, handsomely bound, pp. 550, price 7s. 6d. 
 
 History of Playing Cards : with Anecdotes of their Use in 
 
 Ancient and Modern Games, Conjuring, Fortune-Telling, and Card-sharping. 
 With Sixty curious illustrations on toned paper. Skill and Sleight-of-Hand ; 
 GambHng and Calculation ; Cartomancy and Cheating ; Old Games and 
 Garaing-Houses; Card Revels and Blind Hookey; Piquet and Vingt-et-un j 
 Whist and Cribbage ; Old-fashioned Tricks. 
 "A highly-interesting volume." — Morning Post. 
 
 This day, in 2 vols., 8vo., very handsomely printed, price 16s. 
 THE HOUSEHOLD STORIES OF ENGLAND. 
 
 Popular Romances of the West of England ; or, the Drolls 
 
 of Old Cornwall. Collected and edited by ROBERT HUNT, F.R.S. 
 
 For an analysis of this important work see printed description, which may be 
 obtained gratis at the publisher's. 
 
 Many of the stories are remarkable for their wild poetic beanty ; others surprise 
 us by their quaintness ; whilst others, again, show forth a tragic force which can 
 only be associated with those rude ages which existed long before the period of 
 authentic history. 
 
 Mr. George Cruikshank has supplied two wonderful pictures as illustrations to 
 the work. One is a portrait of Giant Bolster, a personage twelve miles high. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 Ac 75, Piccadilly, London. 
 
12 NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Pp. 336, handsomely printed, cloth extra, price 3s. 6d. 
 
 Holidays with Hobgoblins; or, Talk of Strange Things. 
 
 By DUDLEY COSTELLO. With humorous engravings by George 
 Cruikshank. Amongst the chapters may be enumerated : Shaving a Ghost; 
 Superstitions and Traditions ; Monsters ; the Ghost of Pit Pond ; the Watcher 
 of the Dead ; the Haunted House near Hampstead ; Dragons, Griffins, and 
 Salamanders; Alchemy and Gunpowder; Mother Shipton; Bird History; 
 Witchcraft and Old Boguey \ Crabs j Lobsters j the Apparition of Monsieur 
 Bodry. 
 
 SUPPLEMENTARY VOLUME TO HONE'S WORKS. 
 In preparation, thick 8vo., uniform with " Year-Book," pp. 800. 
 
 Hone's Scrap Book. A Supplementary Volume to the 
 
 " Every-Dav Book/ 5 the " Year-Book," and the " Table-Book." From the 
 MSS. of the late WILLIAM HONE, with upwards of One Hundred and Fifty 
 engravings of curious or eccentric objects. 
 
 BARNUM'S NEW BOOK. 
 
 Humbugs of the World. By P. T. Barnum. Pp. 320. 
 
 crown 8vo., cloth extra, 4s. 6d. 
 " A most vivacious book, and a very readable one."— Globe, 
 " The history of Old Adams and his grisly bears is inimitable.*' — Athenamm. 
 " A History of Humbugs by the Prince of Humbugs ! What book can be more 
 promising ? " — Saturday Review, 
 
 A KEEPSAKE FOR SMOKERS. 
 
 This day, 48mo., beautifully printed from silver-faced type, cloth, very neat, 
 
 gilt edges, price 2s. 6d. 
 
 Smoker's Text Book. By J. Hamer, F.B..S.L. This 
 
 exquisite little volume comprises the most important passages from the works 
 of eminent men written in favour of the much-abused weed. Its compilation 
 was suggested by a remark made by Sir Bulwer Lytton : — 
 <; A pipe is a great comforter, a pleasant soother. The man who smokes thinks 
 like a sage and acts like a Samaritan." 
 
 %* A few copies have been choicely bound in calf antique and morocco, price 
 10s. 6d. each. 
 
 A NEW BOOK BY THE LATE MR. THACKERAY. 
 
 The Student's Quarter; or, Paris Life Five-and-Twenty 
 
 Years Since. By the late WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY. With 
 numerous coloured illustrations after designs made at the time. 
 
 * # * For these interesting sketches of French literature and art, made im- 
 mediately after the Revolution of 1830, the reading world is indebted to a gentlemen 
 in Paris, who has carefully preserved the original papers up to the present time. 
 
 Thackeray: the Humorist and the Man of Letters. The 
 
 Story of his Life and Literary Labours. With some particulars of his Early 
 Career never before made public. By THEODORE TAYLOR, Esq., Membre 
 de la Societe des gens de Lettres. Price 7s. 6d. 
 
 %* Illustrated with Photographic Portrait (one of the most characteristic known 
 to have been taken) by Ernest Edwards, B.A. ; vi6w of Mr. Thackeray's House, 
 built after a favourite design of the great novelist's; facsimile of his Handwriting, 
 long noted in London literary circles for its exquisite neatness ; and a curious life 
 sketch of his Coat of Arms, a pen and pencil humorously introduced as the crest, 
 the motto, " Nobilitas est sola virtus " (Virtue is the sole nobility). 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 Sf 75, Piccadilly, London, 
 
NEW BOOKS. 13 
 
 This day, neatly printed, price Is. 6d. ; by post Is. 8d. 
 
 Mental Exertion : its Influence on Health. By Dr. 
 
 BRIGHAM. Edited, with additional Notes, by Dr. ARTHUR LEARED, 
 Physician to the Great Northern Hospital. This is a highly important little 
 book, showing how far we may educate the mind without injuring the body. 
 • # * The recent untimely deaths of Admiral Fitzroy and Mr. Prescott, whose 
 
 minds gave way under excessive mental exertion, fully illustrate the importance 
 
 of the subject. 
 
 EVERY HOUSEKEEPER SHOULD POSSESS A COPY. 
 
 Now ready, in cloth, price 2s. 6d. ; by post 2s. 8d. 
 
 The Housekeeper's Assistant; a Collection of the most 
 
 valuable Recipes, carefully written down for future use, by Mrs. B 
 
 during her forty years' active service. 
 As much as two guineas has been paid for a copy of this invaluable little work. 
 
 How to See Scotland; or, a Fortnight in the Highlands 
 
 for £6. 
 
 A plain and practical guide.— Price Is. 
 
 Now ready, 8yo., price Is. 
 
 List of British Plants. Compiled and Arranged by Alex 
 
 More, F.L.S. r & J 
 
 *** This comparative List of British Plants was drawn up for the use of the 
 country botanist, to show the differences in opinion which exist between different 
 authors as to the number of species which ought to be reckoned within the compass 
 of the flora of Great Britain. 
 
 Now ready, price 2s. 6d. ; by post 2s. lOd. 
 
 Dictionary of the Oldest Words in the English Language, 
 
 from the Semi-Saxon Period of a.d. 1250 to 1300 ; consisting of an Alphabetical 
 Inventory of Every Word found in the Printed English Literature of the 13th 
 Century, by the late HERBERT COLERIDGE, Secretary to the Philological 
 Society. 8vo., neat half morocco. 
 %* An invaluable work to historical students and those interested in linguistic 
 pursuits. 
 
 The School and College Slang of England; or, Glossaries 
 
 of the Words and Phrases peculiar to the Six great Educational Establishments 
 of the country.— Preparing. 
 
 This day, in Crown 8vo., handsomely printed, price 7s. 6d. 
 
 Glossary of all the Words, Phrases, and Customs peculiar 
 
 to Winchester College. 
 
 See " School Life at Winchester College," recently published. 
 
 Robson; a Sketch, by Augustus Sala. An Interesting 
 
 Biography, with Sketches of his famous characters, " Jem Baggs," " Boots at 
 the Swan," " The Yellow Dwarf," " Daddy Hardacre," &c. Price 6d. 
 
 In preparation, Crown 8vo., handsomely printed. 
 
 The Curiosities of Flagellation: an Anecdotal History 
 
 • of the Birch in Ancient and Modern Times : its Use as a Religious Stimulant, 
 and as a Corrector of Morals in all Ages. With some quaint illustrations. By 
 J. G. BEKTRAND, Author of " The Harvest of the Sea," &c. 
 
 John Camden Eotten, 74 4* 75, Piccadilly, London, 
 
14 NEW BOOKS. 
 
 In 1 vol., with 300 Drawings from Nature, 2s. 6d. plain, 4s. 6d. coloured by hand. 
 
 The Young Botanist: a Popular Guide to Elementary 
 
 Botany. By T. S. EALPH, of the Linneean Society. 
 %* An excellent book for the young beginner." The objects selected as illustra- 
 tions are either easy of access as specimens of wild plants, or are common in 
 gardens. 
 
 Common Prayer. Illustrated by Holbein and Albert Durer. 
 
 With Wood Engravings of the " Life of Christ," rich woodcut border on every 
 page of Fruit and Flowers ; also the Dance of Death, a singularly curious 
 series after Holbein, with Scriptural Quotations and Proverbs in the Margin. 
 Square 8vo., cloth neat, exquisitely printed on tinted paper, price 8s. 6d. ; in 
 dark morocco, very plain and neat, with block in the Elizabethan style 
 impressed on the sides, gilt edges, 16s. 6d. 
 
 Apply direct for this exquisite volume. 
 
 AN APPROPRIATE BOOK TO ILLUMINATE. 
 
 \* The attention of those who practise the beautiful art of Illuminating is 
 
 requested to the following sumptuous volume : — 
 
 The Presentation Book of Common Prayer. Illustrated 
 
 with Elegant Ornamental Borders in red and black, from " Books of Hours 
 and Illuminated Missals, by GEOFFREY TORY. One of the most tasteful and 
 beautiful books ever printed. May now be seen at all booksellers. 
 Although the price is only a few shillings (7s. 6d. in plain cloth ; 8s. 6d. antique 
 do.; 14s. t>d. morocco extra), this edition is so prized by artists that, at the 
 South Kensington and other important Art Schools, copies are kept for the 
 use of students. 
 
 Now ready, in 8vo., on tinted paper, nearly 350 pages, very neat, price 5s. 
 
 Family History of the English Counties: Descriptive 
 
 Account of Twenty Thousand most Curious and Bare Books, Old Tracts, 
 
 Ancient Manuscripts, Engravings, and Privately -printed Family Papers, 
 
 relating to the History of almost every Landed Estate and Old English Family 
 
 in the Country ; interspersed with nearly Two Thousand Original Anecdotes, 
 
 Topographical and Antiquarian Notes. By JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN. 
 
 By far the largest collection of English and Welsh Topography and Family 
 
 History ever formed. Each article has a small price affixed for the convenience of 
 
 those who may desire to possess any book or tract that interests them. 
 
 AN INTERESTING VOLUME TO ANTIQU ABIES. 
 Now ready, 4to., half morocco, handsomely printed, price 7s. 6d. 
 
 Army Lists of the Roundheads and Cavaliers in the Civil 
 
 War. 
 
 \* These most curious Lists show on which side the gentlemen of England were 
 to be found during the great conflict between the King and the Parliament. Only 
 a very few copies have been most carefully reprinted on paper that will gladden the 
 heart of the lover of choice books. 
 
 Folio, exquisitely printed on toned paper, with numerous Etchings, &c, price 28s. 
 
 Millais Family, the Lineage and Pedigree of, recording 
 
 its History from 1331 to 1865, by J. B. Payne, with Illustrations from Designs 
 by the Author. 
 %* Of this beautiful volume only sixty copies have been privately printed for 
 presents to the several members of the family. The work is magnificently bound in 
 blue and gold. These are believed to be the only etchings of an heraldic character 
 ever designed and engraved by the distinguished artist of the name. 
 Apply direct for this work. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 Sf 75, Piccadilly, London. 
 
NEW BOOKS. 15 
 
 Now ready, 12mo., very choicely printed, price 6s. 6d. 
 
 London Directory for 1677, the Earliest Known List of 
 
 the London Merchants. See Review in the Times, Jan. 22. 
 
 %* This curious little volume has been reprinted verbatim from one of the only 
 two copies known to be in existence. It contains an Introduction pointing out 
 some of the principal persons mentioned in the list. For historical and genea- 
 logical purposes the little book is of the greatest value. Herein will be found the 
 originators of many of the great firms and co-partnerships which have prospered 
 through two pregnant centuries, and which exist some of them in nearly the same 
 names at this dny. Its most distinctive feature is the early severance which it 
 marks of " goldsmiths that keep running cashes," precursors of the modern 
 bankers, from the mass of the merchants of London. 
 
 Now ready, price 5s. j by post, on roller, 5s. 4d. 
 
 Magna Charta. An Exact Facsimile of the Original 
 
 Document preserved in the British Museum, very carefully drawn, and printed 
 on fine plate paper, nearly 3 feet loDg by 2 feet wide, with the Arms and Seals 
 of the Barons elaborately emblazoned in gold and colours, a.d. 1215. 
 
 %* Copied by express permission, and the only correct drawing of the Great 
 Charter ever taken. Handsomely framed and glazed, in carved oak of an antique 
 pattern, 22s. 6d. It is uniform with the " Roll of Battle Abbey." 
 
 A full translation, with Notes, has just been prepared, price 6d. 
 
 NEW BOOK BY PROFESSOR RENAN'S ASSOCIATE. 
 Exquisitely printed, 12mo., cloth, very neat, price 3s. 6d. 
 
 Apollonius of Tyana: the Pagan or False Christ of the 
 
 Third Century. An Essay. By ALBERT REVILLE, Pastor of the Walloon 
 Church at Rotterdam. Authorized translation. 
 
 %* A most curious account of an attempt to revive Paganism in the third 
 century by means of a false Christ. Strange to say, the principal events in the life 
 of Apollonius are almost identical with the Gospel narrative. Apollonius was born 
 in a mysterious way about the same time as Christ. After a period of preparation 
 came a Passion, then a Resurrection, and an Ascension. In many other respects 
 the parallel is equally extraordinary. 
 
 In the press, 4to. Part I. 
 
 The Celtic Tumuli of Dorsetshire : an Account of Personal 
 
 and other Researches on the Sepulchral Mounds of the Durotiges; forming the 
 First Part of a Description of the Primeval Antiquities of the County. 
 
 In small 4to. handsomely printed, Is. 6d. 
 
 Esholt in Airedale, Yorkshire: the Cistercian Priory of 
 
 St. Leonard, Account of, with View of Esholt Hall. 
 
 ANECDOTES OF THE "LONG PARLIAMENT" OF 1645. 
 Now ready, in 4to., half morocco, choicely printed, price 7s. 6d. 
 
 The Mysteries of the Good Old Cause : Sarcastic Notices 
 
 of those Members of the Long Parliament that held places, both Civil and 
 Military, contrary to the Self-denying Ordinance of April 3, 1645 ; with the 
 sums of money and lands they divided among themselves. 
 
 * # * Gives many curious particulars about the famous Assembly not mentioned by 
 historians or biographers. The history of almost every county in England receives 
 some illustration from it. Genealogists and antiquaries will find in it much interest- 
 ing matter. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 Sc 75, Piccadilly, London. 
 
16 USEFUL AND AMUSING BOOKS. 
 
 Now ready, in 4to., very handsomely printed, with curious woodcut initial letters, 
 
 extra cloth, 18a. ; or crimson morocco extra, the sides and back covered 
 
 in rich neur-de-lys, gold tooling, 55s. 
 
 .Roll of Carlaverlock, with the Arms of the Earls, Barons, 
 
 and Knights who were present at the Siege of this Castle in Scotland, 26 
 Edward I., a.d. 1300; including the Original Anglo-Norman Poem, and an 
 English Translation of the MS. in the British Museum j the whole newly edited 
 by THOMAS WEIGHT, Esq., M.A., F.S.A. 
 
 %* A very handsome volume, and a delightful one to lovers of Heraldry, as it is 
 the earliest blazon or arms known to exist. 
 
 UNIFORM WITH "MAGNA CHARTA." 
 
 Boll of Battle Abbey; or, a List of the Principal Warriors 
 
 who came over from Normandy with William the Conqueror and settled in this 
 country, a.d. 1066-7, from Authentic Documents, very carefully drawn, and 
 printed on fine plate paper, nearly three feet long by two feet wide, with the 
 Arms of the principal Barons elaborately emblazoned in gold and colours, price 
 5s. j by post, on roller, 5s. 4d. 
 
 %* A most curious document, and of the greatest interest, as the descendants 
 of nearly all these Norman Conquerors are at this moment living amongst us. No 
 names are believed to be in this " Battel Roll," which are not fully entitled to the 
 distinction. 
 Handsomely framed and glazed, in carved oak of an antique pattern, price 22s. 6d. 
 
 Warrant to Execute Charles L An Exact Facsimile of this 
 
 Important Document in the House of Lords, with the Fifty-nine Signatures 
 of the Regicides, and Corresponding Seals, admirably executed on paper made 
 to imitate the Original Document, 22 in. by 14 in. Price 2s. ; by post, 2s. 4d. 
 Handsomely framed and glazed, in carved oak of an antique pattern, 14s. 6d. 
 
 Now ready. 
 
 Warrant to Execute Mary ftueen of Scots. The Exact 
 
 Facsimile of this Important Document, including the Signature Queen Eliza- 
 beth and Facsimile of the Great Seal, on tinted paper, made to imitate the 
 original MS. Safe on roller, 2s. ; by post, 2s. 4d. 
 Handsomely framed and glazed, in carved oak of an antique pattern, 14s. 6d. 
 
 In 1 vol., 4to., on tinted paper, with 19 large and most curious Plates in facsimile, 
 coloured by hand, including an ancient View of the City of Waterford. 
 
 Illuminated Charter-Roll of Waterford, Temp. Richard II. 
 
 Price to Subscribers, 20s. ; Non-subscribers, 30s. 
 
 %* Of the very limited impression proposed, more than 150 copies have already 
 been subscribed for. Amongst the Corporation Muniments of the City of Water- 
 ford is preserved an ancient Illuminated Roll, of great interest and beauty, com- 
 prising all the early Charters and Grants to the City of Waterford, from the time 
 of Henry II. to Richard II. Full-length Portraits of each King adorn the margin, 
 varying from eight to nine inches in length— some in armour and some in robes of 
 state. In addition are Portraits of an Archbishop in full canonicals, of a Chancellor, 
 and of many of the chief Burgesses of the City of Waterford, as well as singularly- 
 curious Portraits of the Mayors of Dublin, Waterford, Limerick, and Cork, figured 
 for the most part in the quaint bipartite costume of the Second Richard's reign, 
 peculiarities of that of Edward III. Altogether this ancient work of art is unique 
 of its kind in Ireland, and deserves to be rescued from oblivion. 
 
 John Camden Hotten t 74 Sf 75, Piccadilly, London. 
 
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