PS 2887 .S7W4 1884 i.^t«i«H;*> , • • ^o^^^ ".Sis'- ^^\^ _ 'bV '-^0 oK ^^-^^^ ^^0^ ^oV" 4-" . .*'% -3 ^.-, ■^^.. ,-^'^ .-', O > "^0 T'^W^W,'". OV V:^«m^ ^°-*<^. 0* 'bV >- ^^-n^. ^^~, .V . . 'U *j^^ '»*- .0* <>* -^^0^ < o ^^-^^ -^t- ^ **T;, •' ,0 • ^^ ^0' a" <^ * o « ' -^> II ill TMI¥! n "WHOSE ARE D m HEY? }5 THREE BO LD ACTS -BY- E/Hr^^SOTHERN Eotered according to Act of Congress, in tlie year 1884, by Edward H. SOTHERN, in tbe Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washing-ton, D. C. -^>^. f ^ n^ .^^^ ^ -^?> CHARACTERS. Theophilus Pocklington, Proprietor of the " Penny- Dreadful." Peter Maudlin, - - His uncle and partner. Melchisedec Flighty, - - A distant relation. Mrs. Griffin, .-....- Amelia, - - - - - - Her daughter. Gertie, ..-----. Seraphina, - - - Servant to Pocklington. SCENES. Acts I and HI. — Pocklington's House at Kensington. Act n. — Pocklington's Ofifice in the City. Time. — To-Day. ACT I. Scene. A Jiicely furnished room on the ground floor in Pocklington's house at Kensington. French window at back, opening on laivn. The 7uindow is slightly open, although it is night. Lamps lit. Tea table set L. A table R opposite r i e, toith a large table cover reaching the ground on all sides. Writing desk l of French win- dow. Door in the r corner of the room opens on the stairway. Door l corner leads to the other apartments. Mrs. Griffin is discovered, pacing the room impatiently. Amelia, looking anxiously out at the window. Mrs. Grif. So, this is what Mr.Theophilus Pocklington calls coming home to tea, is it? Half-past eleven, and Mr. Theophilus Pocklington has not returned home at all, and that on the birthday of his afifianced bride. Now, my dear Amelia, you are, perhaps, ccnvinced that your mother was right when she insisted on the somewhat un- usual course of living in your future husband's house for six months prior to your marriage. I suspected the hypo- crite from the first. He has not deceived one who has placed six husbands beneath marble tombstones. I knew that, sooner or later, we should unmask the villain and view him in all his horrible deformity. Amel. Mamma, I'm sure Theophilus is not deformed. Mrs. Grif. Externally he is beautiful — very beautiful; but his heart, Amelia — his heart is not in the right place. Amel. No, mamma; I have often heard him say that whenever he sees you his heart is in his mouth. Mrs. Grif. Pooh! Amel. Mamma, you are too hard on Theophilus. I'm sure until today his conduct has been beyond reproach. I know he will be able to exp'ain this delay. Mrs. Grif. Oh, no doubt he will invent some plausi- ble falseh.ood to cover his iniquity; but we fortunately have at our command the services of his uncle, Mr. Maudlin, who has devoted his whole life to reading the police reports in the daily papers, and is therefore famil- iar with the ways of the criminal. He will unravel this attair. His eagle eye will probe Mr. Pocklington's soul and drag the truth from his unwilling breast. j5'///£v Maudlin l u y., afi^absti acted old gentleman. He carries several newspapers, conspicuous amongst which is the Illustrated Police Ne7vs. He comes dotvn c, talking to himself . Maud. There's plenty of crime in the papers to-day. [Reading.) "Two men murderously mangled. Fright- ful suicide. Highway robbery." Ah! that reminds me. For some weeks past some one has been using my pen- holders and chewing the ends of them — a practice I ab- hor; but now my favorite penholder has actually been stolen! But I'll dog the thief down yet. Mrs. Grif. {aside). What is that old man talking to himself about? He's deep in some mystery, I'll be bound. He has a grand skull. (Aloud.) Mr. Maudlin, speaking of Mi. Pocklington not returning to tea, I think I am correct in saying that your eagle eye will pierce his soul and drag the truth from his unwilling breast. Maud. Mrs. Griffin, my services are at your com- mand. The matter should really be inquired into. {Aside) Poor Pocklington! Mrs. Grif. One cannot be too particular in selecting a husband. Only this morning I was reading in the pa- per the deplorable end of a hasty marriage. The hus- band, who was devotion itself before the wedding day, contracted a habit toward the waning of the honeymoon of kicking his wife on the head every morning at break- fast. Amel. {so rroiv fully). Poor creature! It must have told upon her health. Mrs. Grif. She pined away. She died by inches. Maud. If he kicked her, she died by feet. Mrs. Grif. True. {Aside.) A remarkably astute old man. Maud. I must admit that his conduct in not return- ing home — and that on Amelia's birthday, when he knew there was jam and cake for tea — is extraordinary, to say the least. Mrs. Grif. Extraordinary! {Slapping him on the back.) It is infamous, sir — infamous f When I came to live beneath this unhallowed roof, six months ago, I said to Mr. Pocklington: "You have proposed for my daugh- ter's hand. As regards your fortune and position as the proprietor and editor of the ' Penny Dreadful,' you are worthy of her; but no man weds my child until I am as- sured of his moral worth. I will, myself, observe your conduct for the space of six months. Your mode of life — your associates — the hours you keep — shall stand the test of my maternal eye. If you pass through the ordeal unscathed, my child is yours; one false step, and she is lost to you forever." He consented. VVe came to live here. And I am forced to admit that, for six months, all his affairs have stood my closest scrutiny. He has allowed me to peruse his letters; I have been able to take no exception to his friends; and. — a point I have in- sisted upon as the great test of marital fidelity — he has invariably returned to tea. Furthermore, he has never spoken one word of love to Amelia — a proceeding which I strictly forbade until he has proved himself worthy to do so. I had begun to believe myself deceived in my presentiments until, this fatal day, he proves his true metal at the eleventh hour. Maud. Excuse me, it's half- past eleven. Mrs. Grtf. {serenely). Mr. Maudlin, are you intoxi- cated? Maud, [passionately). If 1 am, it is with lo — . [Aside.) By Jove! I almost did it. 'M.K's. G'RiY. [asioii?ided). Mr. Maudlin, you have lost your head. Maud, [feelins:; his head anxiously). Have I? Mrs. Grif. For some weeks i)ast Mr. Pocklington has exhibited symptoms of great mental disturbance. He has something on his mind which is causing him great uneasiness. Amel. Perhaps, mamma, he has been eating pie again. Mrs. Grif. Amelia! Pie would not rest on his mind. Mr. Maudlin, is insanity prevalent in your family? Can Mr. Pocklington be going mad? Maud. Well, his great-grandfather was a hatter, and I believe a distant relation of his was found distracted in a bathing machine at Margate. Mrs. Grif. His conduct has been most strange of late, and this evening he has not only failed to return to tea, but he has stayed out until nearly midnight. Amel. Mr. Maudlin, do you really think there is any- thing wrong in Theophilus not returning to tea? Maud. I believe such a proceeding on the part of a husband has been considered from time immemorial a serious offense. I don't quite know what the sentence should be — six months, perhaps, with hard labor. Mrs. Grif. Amelia, how can you ask such a question? Come with me, I shall retire to my room and calm my- self by reading my Bunyan. I find my Bunyan's very soothing. Maud. Your bunions? I generally find mine very irritating. Mrs. Grip. Mr. Maudlin, are you drivelling? Maud, {passionafely). If I am, it is with lo — . [Aside.) By Jove! I almost did it again. Mrs. Grif. If I were to meet the villain in my pres- ent state of mind I might really do him some bodily injury. Come! [Exeti?it Mrs. Griffin and Amelia l u e. Maud. Poor girl! Poor Pocklington! They'd be happy enough if Mrs. Grififin would only let them alone. Pocklington has caught a Tartar there — but what di Tar- tar! She's a magnificent creature! She'd make a splen- did detective! I sometimes feel half inclined to — but no! no! I'm a little afraid of her. There'll be a fearful explosion when poor Pocklington returns. I'll keep out of the way, for I daren't stand up for him. And if I learn any of his goings on it will be my duty to betray him. Enter Seraphina rue. Seraphina, if Mr. Pocklington asks for me when becomes home, say — say I'm very ill. I particularly wish to avoid him. Sera. Yes, sir. Maud. I'll go and have a quiet hour with the papers. {Reading as he goes off r i e.) " Murder of an entire family. Eighteen children frightfully mutilated." This IS delightful. \_Exit Maudlin r i e. Sera. What a bloodthirsty old man that is! He's always gloating over murders and suicides and^now to put back that penholder. {She creeps cautiously to desk L c, 7vhen enter Pocklington hurriedly rue. He is out of breath, pale and anxious, dusty and wild in his attire. He closes th? door R u e aj- he enters, and listens anxiously.) Sera. Lor', Mr. Pocklington! How you startle one! {^Hides penholder which she was about to place in desk, and stands looking at him in amazement^ with her mouth open.) Pock, {rieriwusly^i. Don't stand there with your mouth open, Seraphina. {Looks away anxiously. Aside?) I can't look her in the face — can't look my own servant in the face. {Aloud) Seraphina, has any remark been made about my being late for tea? Sera. Yes, sir; Mrs. Grififin wondered where you were. He! he! {Giggles.) Pock, {uneasily). Oh, indeed! Wondered where I were. {Angrily) What are you giggling at? Leave the room! Stay! {Aside) I'll get Maudlin to intercede for me. {Aloud) Where's Mr. Maudlin? Tell him I wish to see him. Sera. I — I — don't think you can see him, sir. He has been very ill. Pock, {alarmed). Very ill? Sera. Yes, sir; he — that is — I — {confused). Pock, {wildly). Ha! You have something terrible to communicate. What has happened? {Aside.) Very ill! I see it all. The brave old man tried to account for my absence — was perhaps on his knees before her, his ven- erable head bent in supplication, when she dashe.d out his brains with the tea-pot. {Aloud) Speak! I,et me know the worst. Sera, {aside). Dear me! what shall I say? {Aloud.) Well, sir, I went into the garden just now, and I found Mr. Maudlin dead to all around him. Pock, {in horror). Dead! ^ Sera. Buried in a newspaper. ^ Pock. Buried in a newspaper! {Aside) They might \m have treated him to a coffin. What fate can be in store for me if they bury poor old Maudlin in a newspaper? If I had only some one to confide in! This secrecy is turn- ing my brain. I can keep it to myself no longer. Sera- phina {seizing her by the wrist), swear that you will never betray me. Sera, {amazed). I swear! Pock. By Jingo! Sera. By Jingo! Pock. Tliat is sufficient. {Aside.) She would never dare to break an oalli so binding. But am I followed? {He sitddeiily rushes to door R u E and listens.) Not a sound. I wonder if I have escaped her. {Coming down. Speaking very earnestly to Seraphina, 7i.'ho, ho^vever, stands quite still, with her mouth open) Seraphina, I am a haunted man. For weeks past a weird and mysterious female has called at my ofifice in the dusk of evening, with a request that I will listen to a story. Last night she forced h^r way into my presence. I fled. She fol- lowed me. 1 ran through miles of streets in my en- deavors to etude her, but had scarcely sunk exhausted on a doorstep, when her warm breath whispered in my ear the oi:)ening lines of her blood curdling tale. With a yell of horror I fiew from her once more, and, jumping into a jjassing bath-chair, I bade the owner fly for his life. Sera. You were driven to desperation. Pock. No, I wasn't; I was driven to Kensington. For some time I heard her footsteps in pursuit. At length they died away, and when I reached my door I was alone. But the fact of being seen talking to a fe- male on a doorstep my Amelia's mother would deem sufficient reason to break off our union. If I were to lose her after this six months of self-denial, just when the prize is within my grasp, it would be hard indeed. And yet to face my prospective mother-in-law with a lie — I dare not. 12 Enter Gertie r u e. She is a ivild-looking^ yellow haired girl. Gert. {at R u E.) Ah! here you are! Pock, {in horror?} Ha! {Seizes Seraphina and car- ries her bodily off R i E. As he gets to door he meets Maud- lin, seizes him and puts him under tabic R, wliicJi has a large table cloth over it reaching to the ground and com- pletely comealing Maudlin.) Pock, {standing panting against table ^. Aside?) Run to earth. What am I to do? They told me Maudlin was dead and buried, in a newspaper, and here he is alive {Bus.) and kicking. Shall I trust him? No! He would betray me. {To Gertie.) How did you get in? Gert. You left the front door open. Pock. Madam, I am at a loss to understand the mean- ing of this persecution. What do you want with me? Gert. {very earnestly) I want you to listen to the echoes of a breaking heart. (Maudlin puts his head out from under table R. Pock, throws a book at him. He disappears) Pock. I should be charmed at any other time, but just now it would be most inconvenient. Gert. The outpourings of a mind, that suffering, grief, a terrible remorse, that crime has made to tremble in the balance. Pock, {aside.) I thought so. She's mad. Ah! {He picks up a blue garter from the floor. Aside.) A garter! {Offers it to Gertie.) Beg pardon, you've dropped some- thing. Gert. Ah! {Btis) Pock. Ho/ii soil qui mal y pense. Gert. Dear me, how embarrassing! Keep it, keep it! Pock. I don't want it! Gert. {severely.) Keep it! (Pock, collapses.) After 13 mature thouglit, I have determined that the pure pages of the " Penny Dreadful " alone shall give my story to the world. Pock. I feel very much obliged to you I'm sure, but I never attend to business here. I must ask you to call at my office to-morrcnv. [Bus. with Maudlin as l)efore.) Gert. I have called at your office to-morrow, and to- morrow, and to-morrow, till I am positively ///. For twelve months past I have sought you, morning, noon and night, but your minions have prevented me from reaching you. Pock, {aside.) God bless my minions. Gert. To-night I have found you, after dogging your footsteps for several hours. Pock. But why do you dog me? Gert. To catch you. Maud, {putting his head out.) Dogs him to cats him, ha, ha! Pock, {approaching Maudlin. Aside.) Keep quiet. Maud. Who are you talking to? Pock. I'm talking to myself. Maud. But I {bus. with book. He disappears.) Gert. You shall hear me now. This is no common work {producing enormous manuscript}) This tale will shake the universe and make the very stars wink with amazement. You shall hear me now. Pock. No, no, no! {Aside.) If Mr. Griffin comes I am lost. {Aloud.) Woman, for you are a woman (Maud- lin appears. Bus. with book, %vhich is repeated through this speech. Pock, kneeling facing table r.) and therefore must have in your heart some spark of pity. 77/////^ what you are doing. Until to-day, I have returned home with a light heart, an easy conscience. I have faced my in- tended and her mother with a steady eye, for I was an honest man. {Bus) Gods!! to think that was but yes- M terday. To-day you — you have made me late for tea. I enter my own house like a thief in the night. I tremble like a conscience-stricken cur beneath the gaze of my own servants. I look with dread, with horror to meeting those who, till to-day, iiave welcomed me with smiles. You, you are the cause of all this, for you have made me late for tea. What have I ever done to you that you should drag me from a pinnacle of bliss, to plunge me in a chasm of despair? Late for tea, late for tea. [^He sinks utterly overcome on c/iair, weeping violently.) Gert. [veiy much agitated^) This is terrible, a strong man moved to tears. How can I repair this wrong? Pock, {rising.) By leaving me at once. Gert. I go {going r u e.) Pock. Thanks, thanks, {offering her the garter again, which he has held in his hand all this time.) Excuse me, you've dropped something. Gert. Ah! Pock. Honi soil qui mal y pense. {Bus. with Mamti- LIN.) Gert. Keep it, keep it! Pock. But I don't want it. Gert. {severely.) Keep it! (Pock, collapses. Gently?} I understand you, for I too have loved. Alas! he sleeps beside the shrimps he liked so well. Pock, {trying to hustle her out r u e.) Dear me, how sad. Good evening; nice evening, isn't it? Good even- ing. Gert. When shall I see you? Pock, {very nervous) Oh! Monday, Tuesday, Wednes- day, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Any day. Good evening; nice evening, isn't it? Good evening. {Bus with hook.) Gert. {at door, turning again.) I'll call in the morn- ing. 15 Pock. [Jiustliug her out.) Yes, yes; any time you like. Good evening; nice evening, isn't it? Good evening {hustling her out r u e. As he is following her, he sees Maudlin's head. Throics book at it and e.xit rue, 7vith Gertie.) Maud, [putting his head out, after a pause.) How very extraordinary. Pocklington could not have been talking to himself. I'm sure I heard a female voice. This is a most painful situation for a respectable elderly gentleman. Ah! some one comes. I may discover something if I re- main here. {Disappears beneath table.) Enter Seraphina r i e. Sera. Now to put back that penholder. {She creeps cautiously towards desk L c, and is about to open it when Enter Melchisedec Flighty through window c. He is a pale, tragic-looking person, 7vith longish hair, dressed in shabby black frock coat and black trousers too short for him. His whole appearance bespeaks poverty. He closes windoiv after him carefully. Sera, {seeing him.) Ah! {Hides penholder as before^) Mel. {approaching her menacingly, but pausing at each step. Seraphina retreats towards l corner, also pausing as he does. Mel. sings very dramatically — This is thy deed, seek not to assuage My jealous fears, a rival's rage; The wrongs we forgive not and cannot forget. Will vengeance more sharply whet. The wrongs we forgive not and cannot forget. Will vengeance more sharply whet. Sera, {who has got round to hof i. table, repeats mechan- ically.) More sharply whet? Mel. {r of i. table.) More sharply «'/^^/. Hush! not a word. i6 Sera. You're making llie nuise. Mel. No, no; nierely a lillle aria. They will mistake it for the summer zephyrs murmuring through the pop- lar. I am often mistaken for the summer zephyr iriur- muring through the poplar. Is Mr. Pocklington at home? Sera, igoi/ii^^ tii/iidly up to c.) I'll tell Mr. Pockling- ton you are here, sir. Mel. {abstractedly.) Do! do! Sera. What name, sir? Mel. Merely say, a gentleman. Sera, {aside.) He looks rather shabby for a gentle- man. I'll see if he's a gentleman. {Aloud, holding out her haiid) Don'-t forget the parlor maid. sir. Mel, {shaking her ha/id.) Forget you? Never, while memory holds a seat in this distracted globe. {Releases her hand.) Stay; you may say a distant relation. Sera. Yes, sir. [^Exit l u e /// dismay. Mel. Curious that she should be so anxious for me to remember her. {Comes down r.) It is now a whole year since Gertrude pushed me off Margate pier. It is now three weeks that I have been out of the county asy- lum, where her treatment drove me, and during that time I had lived on my wits. I have come to the conclusion that I must live on something more nouris'hing. Thinks I, I'll seek employment from my distant relation, Pock- lington, the thriving proprietor of the " Penny Dreadful." He should assist me. I'm the nephew of his father's sis- ter's cousin's brother. Now by remaining constantly at his elbow, I may persuade him to leave me something in his will. I will remain constantly at his elbow. I won- der who that woman was he was seeing out by the back door as I entered by the window. {He is now seated oti r table, facing audience. Takes up book aud turns over the 17 pages. Maudlin looks out cautious/v behueen M.^l,'?, legs, which are ivide apart ^ nnthout seeing hi//i.) Maud, {aside.) Ah, ha! The coast is clear. I was mistaken. {Creeps out and crawls to c on his hands and knees. ) Mel. {putting down book sees Maudlin^ startled; aside.) I've got 'em again. {Rubs his eyes.) Phit, phit; go 'way, go 'way. Maud, {looking up; aside.) Dear me, how very awk- ward. Mel. {aside.) I've not got 'em again; it's a respect- able elderly gentleman. {Aloud.) How do you do, sir.? Maud, {aside.) How very awkward. {Aloud.) How do you do, sir? I — I find it pleasant to take a stroll like this occasionally. Just for a change, you know; for a change. {Aside.) How very awkward. Mel. {aside.) Eccentric old party; evidently an idiot. I'll make friends with him. {aloud.) I shall be happy to join you. In which direction are you going? [Kneels beside hi/n on all fours ) Maud. Ha! This way. {Going up c; aside.) How very awkward. {They both go up c on all fours) Enter Pocklington rue. {He closes the door after him and listens intently at the keyhole. Maudlin and Melchisedec seeing him rise and separate; Maudlin going up r; Mel. l; Pock, conies down R.) She's gone; thank Heaven; she's gone at last. {Looking at garter which he still holds in his hand.) A nice thing to be found in my possession. I'll burn it. {Going to fire place.) No, I won't. I'll swallow it. {about to do so.) No, I won't. I'll keep it in my pocket until I can tie a stone round its neck and throw it in the river. {Puts garter in his breast pocket where his handker- chief is. Sits R.) Ah! I'm a miserable man. Mel. {aside to Maudlin, who is continually taking notes in a note book of all that occurs?} He's a miserable man. He'll feel for me. \Hits Pock, violently on the back, then stands L of him 7vith outstretched hand. Pock. [In great terror, 7i.iithout looking up; aside.) It's Mrs. Griffin. {Looks at Mel's feet cautiously.) No, it isn't; it's Maudlin. No, it isn't; Maudlin's feet have bunions; these feet haven't. It's a burglar; what shall I do? Strike him to the earth, or pray for mercy. I'll pray for mercy. [Kneels.) Spare me, spare me, for my Amelia's sake. Mel. For your Amelia's sake? Pock. She is to be my bride. {Looks up.) Why, it's Melchisedec. {Aside.) He's escaped. {Rises.) Mel. I've been out three weeks, and as we are dis- tant relations — Pock. Not half distant enough. Mel. I naturally came to see you, that you might re- joice with me and kill the fatted calf. Pock. I haven't got a fatted calf. Mel. You are a miserable man, so am I. Open your heart to me; mix your tears with mine. Pock. I don't want to mix my tears with yours. Maud, {aside l.) If he could only weep, it might do him good. {Aloud.) You had better mix your tears with his. Pock, {angrily.) I refuse. I absolutely refuse to mix my tears with his. Maud. Oh! very well. {Goes up i. annoyed.) Mel. {in a low tone to Pock.) That I presume was your intended whom I saw leaving the house by the back door as I entered by the window. Pock. No, sir; that was — nobody. Mel. Nobody; ha! I see. {Digging him in the ribs.) Dog, devil. Pock, {anxiously looking around^ Hush! I assure you 19 I am not a dog. I give you my word of honor I am not a devil. {Aside.) He hns seen her. Mel. So you have clandestine visitors, do you? Ha! I have you by the nose. Pock, inputting his hand nicchauically to his nose?) Ha! Mel. Metaphorically speaking, of course. You are engaged to number i. Numl)er 2 visits you at midnight. Shall I inform number i of the existence of number 2? Pock, [anxiousl.y) Hush! for Heaven's sake. Mel. Good; I will 7iot. And in return for my silence you will enable me to earn an honest penny. My great desire is to earn an honest penny. Pock. Well, your desire is reasonable, certainly. 'I'here's an honest two- pence for you. {Giving money.) Good-by. Mel. Ymu misunderstand me; I want honest employ- ment, for my business has gone to the dogs. Pock. What was your business? Mel I used to travel in trowsers. Pock. Well, if you don't want to be arrested, you'd better stick to it. Mel. Pshaw, sir; I want honest employment, and what's more, if you don't give it to me, I'll split — Pock. Well don't split here; go in the garden. Mel. I'll inform number i of the existence of num- ber 2. Pock, {cornered.) He has me; there's no denying the fact that he has me. If he informs number 1 of the ex- istence of number 2, I am a ruined man. I must humor him, I must humor him. {Aloud.) Well, I want a clerk; I engage you; are you satisfied? Mel. I am. Pock, {aside.) I'll give him prussic acid at the first opportunity. {Takes out handkerchief to wipe his fore- head; the garter drops to the ground; looks at it a moment in despair; then carefully picks it up and places it ifiside breast pocket) Mel. {aside.) So far, so good. I am at his elbow, but he must not marry or I shall not remain at his elbow. He will have a nearer and a dearer than the nephew of his father's sister's cousin's brother. {Goes up and stands in penm'e attitude at back; Pock, who has noiu concealed the garter again, turns and finds Maudlin at his elbow making notes.) Pock. Maudlin, what arc you prowling about for; they told me you were dead and buried in a newspaper? Maud. I am looking for the t-hief and chewer of my penholders; out of fifty penholders, I found about thirty chewed. Pock. Well, well, don't give way; bear your thirty chewed with fortitude. Mel. {suddenly dashing betiueen them; to Pock.) You contemplate matrimony? Pock. I do. Mel. {tragically.) Madman, you know not what you are about to do. Pock, {getting behind a chair which he holds by the back with the seat towards him) You alarm me. Mel. I have been a victim, but you shall know all. You are aware that I was found distracted in a bathing machine at Margate? Pock. Yes. (r of him, keeping nervously behind his chair.) Maudlin. Yes. (Maudlin, who is l of Mel., has also a chair; during the ensuing scene, PoCK. and Maudlin hold their chairs nej-vously in front of them, oc. casionally kneeling on them, as Mel. gets excited, and at other times standing on the ground behind them) Mel. I will tell you why, wherefore, what the offence. About a year ago I took to my heart. {Wildly) Oh, I was a fool. Pock, {soothingly.) So you were. Mel. [half aside.) I shall go mad — mad. {Aloud.) I took to my heart, what I told myself, was an angel dressed in blue. {Wildly.) I was a liar. Pock. So you were. Mel. {half aside.) I shall go mad — mad. {Aloud.) For she was not !iT\ angel; she was d. fiend incarnate. Pock. \x\ garnet I I thought you said in blue. But I forgot; you're a liar. Mel. Let me get it over quickly. Pock. Yes, do. Maud. Yes, do. Mel. We had only been married a fortnight, when she commenced to wear the breeches. Poor girl, they were not her own wishes which prompted her to wear the breeches; they were her mother's. Maud. What, the br — Pock, {checking him) No, the wishes. Mei,. We had slight tiffs at first, mere lover's quar- rels. But we had an arrangement, that when she was willing to make it up, she should send me a garter. Pock. Ah! {Placing his hand nervously on his breast pocket; aside) Christopher Columbus; uncommonly cu- rious coincidence. Mel. One of a pair that I gave her in our days of courtship; an exquisite pair; pale blue with gold buck- les; cost me one and nine pence. A romantic pledge of pardon like those vouchsafed by fair ladies to their knights of old. Pock. Ah! very pretty idea. Mel. But hear me out. These tiffs soon became more violent; whenever I spoke to her she jumped down my throat. Pock. Jumped down your throat? Maud. Jumped down your throat? Pock. It must have been very painful? Maud. He has probably had his tonsils cut. {Makes note.) Mel. One evening, three months after our wedding day, I had received the garter, as a token of truce, after a more than usually terrific encounter, during which a pork chop, escaping from her fair right hand, flew across the breakfast table and alighted rather violently upon my left eye. Maud. Ah! an illustration of the fact that pigs can fly. {Makes note.) Mel. We were at Margate, on the pier. She gazed at the rising moon; I looked into her melting eye; oh! how I loved her; but I must not think of it, or I shall go mad — mad. Maud. {Aside.) If he says that again I shall scream. Pock. {Aside) I wish he'd go mad and get it over. Mel. In a moment of ecstatic oblivion, I suggested that we should have shrimps for tea; I forgot for the moment her unconquerable aversion to shrimps; hardly had I uttered the words when I found myself in the boil- ing ocean. Pock. Great Heavens! she had pushed you in? Mel. Precisely. Maud. But are you sure it wasn't a piece of orange peel? Mel. Certain; I employed trustworthy detectives to try and fix the guilt upon a piece of orange peel, so anx- ious was I to acquit her of the crime. Alas! they proved beyond a doubt that oranges had not been eaten on Mar- gate pier for fifteen years. The conclusion was obvious; my wife had been guilty of an attempt on my life. Maud. Was she successful? Pock. Don't be an ass, Maudlin; don't he an ass. Mel. No; when I came to myself, I was clinging to 23 one of the supports of the pier; I managed to land with- out attracting attention, but I never returned home; I have never seen my wife since. Pock. She believes you dead? Mel. Doubtless. Pock, {putting back his c/iair.) A painful experience; but to infer that all wives push their husbands off Mar- gate pier 'pears to me absurd; you might as well say they all object to shrimps, ha! ha! ha! {He opens his coat to place his thumbs in his waistcoat holes; the garter drops; he places his foot on it quickly.) Mel. Ah! you ridicule my misfortunes. I shall go mad — mad I Pock. No, no, Melchisedec; I sympathize with you sincerely, but I shall run the risk in my own case. You must think. I love Amelia! I adore — I wildly worship Amelia! {Cautiously -picks up garter}) Mel. But she, too, has a mother. Pock, {sitting down suddenly.) True; she has. Mel. My wife's mother was the cause of my being found distracted in a bathing machine at Margate. I pray you, pause; I adjure you, by the memory of happy days gone never to return, reflect. Come — come with me to the reservoir hard by, and let us join the throng of broken-hearted cats and love-lorn curs that float tail upwards on its friendly breast. Pock. Pooh, Melchisedec — pooh! I don't want to float on its friendly breast. Maud. Perhaps it would do him good to float on its friendly breast. {Aloud.) You had better float on its friendly breast. Pock. Maudlin, I refuse — I absolutely refuse — to float on its friendly breast. Maud. Oh! very well. {Goes up c annoyed.) Mel. I know how it is. I, too, have loved. Have 24 loved! Why deceive myself? I do love. "I'is love has woiked this change. /, who had once Hyperion's curls — the front of Jove himself — an eye like mamma's — am now a mashed i)otato. Oh, woman! woman! thy ways are inscrutable. Like bearding house hash, thou art a mystery. Door L u E /.y shaken violently. Pock. It's Mrs. Grififin; I feel it in my bones. Open the door, Maudlin. She'll kill me; I know she will. Maudlin, opening d r u e, admits Mrs. Griffin, /c/- lowed by Amelia. Maud, {aside to Mrs. Griffin). There's some fear- ful mystery here. We must dissemble until the lime is ripe. Be patient with him; lead him on; and, above all, smile. Mrs. Grif. I am quite calm. I have read several chapters of Biinyan, and I am quite calm. Where are you going, Mr. Pocklington? Pock, [ivho is trying to sneak off R u e, placing his hands to his cheek). Ooh ' I'm going to have a tooth out. Mrs. Grif. Too thin, sir. You will remain here. Amel. {rushing to Pock, as he comes donni). Ah, dear Theophilus! Mrs. Grif. {sternly). Amelia! {She steps between them and motions Amelia to a seat. She then takes up a posi- tion Q., fixing her eye on Pock.) Pock, {ttervously, but endeavoring to look careless j. Ha! ha! Here I am, you see. Ha! ha. Mel. {aside). This is evidently the mother. He must fight her. {To Pock.) Go for her. Don't leave her a leg to stand on. What can she do if you don't leave her a leg to stand on? Pock, {aside). She'd stand on her head. You don't know her. She'd stand on her head. (Aloud to Mrs. 25 Griffin.) Ha! ha! I repeat, here I am. {Aside.) She suspects something; this is the calm before the storm. I wish she wouldn't look at me like that. {Aloud.) Good- evening. Many happy returns of the day. I'm a little late for tea. {Ci'osses in front of Mrs. Griffin, who fol- lows him with her eye. Aside.) That eye! It goes clean through my shirt-front, pierces my porous plaster, and fixes itself upon my spine. I wish she wouldn't look at me. [Aloud.) Sorry I'm late, but I've been at work at the ofifice. {Aside.) She knows I'm lying; I'm sure she does. {Aloud.) You believe me, I hope. You don't think I'm deceiving you — Mrs. Grififin — Amelia — ha! ha! {Aside, wiping his forehead.) This is terrible. {Aloud.) I won't be late for tea again. {Desperately.) Well, I haven't been at the office all day — there! Mrs. Grif. {tritunphantly). There. Maud, {aside to her). Be pleasant. Lead him on. Smile. {Makes note.{ Amel. Oh, Theophilus. {IVeefs.) Maud, {aside to her). Be pleasant. Lead him on. Smile. Mrs. Grif. {pleasantly). And where have you been, sir? Amel. Where have you been, Theophilus? Maud. Where have you been, Pocklington? Pock. I — I've been — {Drops garter ; he puts his foot on it with a bound ; all look at him in amazement. Aside?) That infernal garter will ruin me; I know it will. {Aloud?) I've been out for a walk — haven't I, Melchisedec? {Aside to him.) For Heaven's sake, say I have been out for a walk. Mel. He's been out for a walk. {Aside.) It might bring matters to a climax if he were to jump on her ear. {Aside to Pock.) Jump on her ear. u 26 Pock. (/// terror.) No, no, I dare not. {Tries to pick ip garter, but stops on Mrs. Griffin speaking) Mrs. Grif. Out for a walk, indeed. I don't believe it. Pock. What? Maud, {aside). Poor Pocklington! {To Mrs. Grif.) Don't provoke him too far. Remember his great-grand- father was a hatter. Lead him on. Smile. Mrs. Grif. I am quite calm. {To Pock.) Ah, Mr. Pocklington, I'm afraid you are a goodly apple — rotten jit the core. Amel. {tearfully). Theophilus! Theophilus! That I should live to find you a rotten a])]jle. Pock. I'-m not a rotten apple. Mel. That's right. Don't be sat upon. {Aside.) I rni/st make him quarrel with her. It might annoy her if he were to hit her on the nose. {To Pock.) Hit her on the nose. Pock, {aside in terror). No, no; I dare not. Mrs. Grif. Now where have you been, Mr. Pock- lington? You cannot throw dust in my eyes, sir. Pock. I don't want to throw dust in your eyes. {Aside.) If I threw anything in her eye it would be a brick. Mrs. Grif. Do not think you can deceive one who has placed six husbands beneath marble tombstones. Mrs. G., Amel., and Maud, talk apart L. Pock, contin- ually tries to get the garter from under /lis foot, but every time he does so, Mrs. G., Amel., and Maud. ///;-// and look at him. Pock, {aside to Mel.). I don't like their behavior. These smiles are the sunshine on the whirlpool. Maud- lin's conduct is very strange. I mistrust him. 27 Mel. It's the old woman's fault; the old woman's at the bottom of it. Pock. Does Amelia desert me too? She seems very cold to me. Mel. The old woman's at the bottom of it. Pock. (/;/ despair}, I am surrounded by doubts; afloat upon a deep, deep sea. Mel. The old woman's at the bottom of it. Pock. I wish she was; she's a terrible being. I hereby swear that, before I marry Amelia, I will dispose of her mother. Mel. What! Murder? Pock. No; I will get her married to some one who will take her up in a balloon next day and leave her on a cloud. Mel. I'd fight her — argue with her. I'd get right. Pock. If you argued with her, you'd get left. Mrs. Gkif. Mr. Pocklington [approaching him), who is that person there [indicating Mel.) who is perpetually whispering in your ear? [Mel. goes r, mumbling to himself. Maud. Ha! ha! Pocklington's distant relation. A most extraordinary person. Ha! ha! Mrs. Griffin, you'd die if you were to meet him. Pock, {aside, quickly). Introduce him to her at once. [He pushes Mel. over to Maudlin, who presents him to Mrs. Griffin; they retire to tea table l and converse; Amelia is making tea.) Pock. Now's my time. [Is about to pick up the garter when Mrs. Griffin and Maudlin turn towards him; he pretends to pick up a pin.) See a pin and let it lay, bad luck all day. [They turn to table again; aside.) This is terrible. Amel. [continuing conversation.) On my birthday, too. Pock, [aside). Ah! happy thought. [Aloud.) But 28 why was I late for tea on your birthday? Because, I have been all over London, looking for a nice little pres- ent for my Meely; Meely. Mrs. Griffin, ) Amelia, r{hmning suddenly}) Then why all this Maudlin. ) mystery? Pock. Because, your suspicions have wounded me; wounded me deeply. Amel. But where's the present? Pock, (aside.) Oh! the devil. {Aloud.) Here it is. {Gives her a toothpick from his vest pocket}) Amel. A toothpick. Pock. The gift is not of great value, but it is given with all my heart. I thought you would value the giver more than the gift. Mrs. Grif. Forgive me. {Fails on his r shoulder.) Amel. Forgive me. {Falls on his l shoulder.) Pock. I forgive you. {Aside.) If I could only get that garter. Mel. (aside.) There'll be no fight after all. Maud, {aside.) Pocklington seems strangely agitated. {Makes notes.) Mrs. Grif. {q'oing to tea table). Come, let us drown all care in tea. Maud, {aside). Fancy a man drowning all care in tea, at twelve o'clock at night, too. Amel. {pouring out tea). Aren't you going to have any tea, Theophilus? Pock, (still standing on garter c). Oh! yes; FU have it here. {Aside.) Until I get that garter, I daren't move. Amel. Oh! sit down, Theophilus. Pock. I don't want to. Mrs. Grif. ) Maud. > {all seated at table. Turning to him}) What? Mel. ) 29 Pock. Oh, very well. {Si/s on the floor and on the garter. Aside.) Hang it, why c;;n't they let me alone? Amel. What — on the floor? Pock. Yes; 1 prefer to sit on the floor, because I want to propose a toast. It's lucky to propose a toast on the floor. Give me a cup of tea — tea and toast, you know. Ha! ha! {^Laughs fee/dy, and is endeavoring to flnd the garter, when Amella. brings him a cup of tea.) Amel. Here you are. {Gives him tea and returns to table L.) Pock. I propose a toast. Amelia, and many of 'em — I mean, many happy returns of the day. {They all drink?) Enter Gertie at window c. Gert. My manuscript! POCKLINGTON, in the act of drinking, dashes down his cup, and saucer, smashing them to pieces, rushes up to window y thrusts manuscript, which he takes from table r, into her hands, pushes her out at window, and strikes careless at- titude up c. In the meanwhile everybody has bounded up from table, Mrs. Griffin and Maudlin having come down stage r and l, Amelia and Melchisedec remain- itig at tea table. Mrs. Grif. 1 Amel. .,,, ^, . ,^ , ,-- r What s the matter? Maud, Mel. Pock, {smiling idiotically). Nothing — nothing. Amelia and Mel. sit down again at tea table. Mrs. Grif. and Maud, approach to tvhere Pock, was sitting and pick up the broken cup and saucer. Pock, anxiously listens and gesticulates at luindotv. Pock, {coming down, inopping his forehead). She's gone, Pm saved {in great joy). 3° Maud, here picks up the garter and holds it up to examine it, Mrs. Griffin's eyes following it also. Pock, {seeing the garter. In horror). I'm damned ! He dashes betxveen them, snatehes garter from Maud., hides it ill his bosom, and crouches doivii in abject atid trem- bling terror. Mrs. Grif. and Maud, fall back in dis- may R and l; Amel. and MiLi.. Jump up from table and come doivn R and \.. Thus: Pock. * Mel. . Amel. * * Mrs. Grif. Maud. * « End of Act I. 31 ACT II. Scene. Pockington's office in the city. Green haize folding doors at back, opening off the stage. Doors r i E and R 2 E. Sofa opposite D. R i e, ^aith the head doxvn stage. Fire place L. Large office table covered with papers, ledgers, etc. L, opposite fire-place. High office desk with high stool behind it, up L. of folding doors. Small tcfble 7i. Gertie follows him tip, thinking he is going out, takes him by the arm and leads him down C, again placing chair beside her own. He drops into chair mechanically, and, as she speaks, endeavors to pour out a galss of wine.) Gert. Ah, hear me! hear me! While the excitement, caused by the tittering of the people in the omnibus, which I was under — Pock. You were under the omnibus? Gert. No. {Bus. with glass all through this scene. Each time Pock, raises the glass to his lips, Gert. seizes his hand and prevents him from drinking) While the ex- citement, which I was under, was beginning to make me feel quite faint, an elderly gentleman suddenly offered to lend me the requisite two pence, and scarcely waiting to thank him, I rushed away. Some days after this, while wandering, pondering, down Piccadilly, in another omni- bus — Pock. On another Friday? {Bus. with glass.) Gert. Yes; strangely enough on another Friday. 39 Pock. How strange! {Of ering /icr t/ic glass.) Thirsty? Gert. No, sir. Friday — Pock. OIi, I see. [S/iiili/ig hopelessly.) Pray proceed. {Aside.) This is deh'ghtful. I can't throw her down stairs, because she's a woman. [Bus. innth glass.) Gert. I met the same benevolent stranger. We were alone — Pock, {knoiamgly.) Ah — /la! I see. Gert. {sei'erely.) Sir! ! ! Pock, {abashed). I beg pardon. I don't see. {Bits, with glass.) Gert. We were alone. I thanked him again, and of- fered to return him his two-pence, when he seized my hand {seizing PocK.'s; bits. 7vith glass), at the same time in his eagerness treading on my favorite corn {treading on PoCK.'s foot), and begged me to give him that — Pock, {astounded) Your favorite corn? Gert. No; my hand. {Aside.) This man's a fool. PocK. {aside, and rising in great excitement}) Could this have been Maudlin? It's just the sort of thing he would do. This is getting interesting. {Sitting again. Aloud}} Proceed, madam. Gert. I was at the time married to another — a younger man — and, notwithstanding the great obligation that I felt I was under to this elderly stranger, I made up my mind that the only thing for me to do was to re- fuse him. {Bus. with glass}) Pock. Yes, yes. Gert. Having made this determination, spite of the tears that coursed down his ancient but benevolent nose, I stuck to it. {Bus. with glass.) Pock. You stuck to his ancient but benevolent nose? Gert. A/'o.' I stuck to my determination, and I soon had cause to regret my constancy, and my foolishness, in 40 placing any faith in the vows of my younger lover. {Bus. with glass?) Pock. How so? CiEKt. He deserted me, and I was left alone in the world with my novel. But adversity wears a precious jewel on his head, for the very despair and misery caused by his desertion inspired me with great thoughts for my "Blasted Life.,' {Bus. with glass>i Pock. Your what? Gert. My novel — "A Blasted Z//>." Pock. Oh! Gert. Could I find that benevolent stranger again, I would offer him my dilaj^idated heart in return for his two- pence. Oh, P^ ter! Peter! Peter! {Rising, sJie buries her face in her handkerchief)) Pock, {rising in great excitement^, Peter! Peter what? Gertie, her face still buried in her handkerchief, seizes de- canter from Pock, 's hand ivith her right hand and drinks from it, sobbing all the while. Pock. I repeat-er — Peter what? (tERT. I only know his name to be Peter. During the following speech she opens her MS. and is en- grossed in its contents, sitting L. Pock, {backing to c d). It must be Maudlin. It must be he. {Puts glass and decanter down on table r (t/ c D, then comes down R.) But I have destined him for Mrs. Griffin. The old boy seemed very much inclined to marry her three hundred pounds a year, and doubtless he is anxious to find a substantial bosom on which to re- cline his head. Griffin is to let — furnished.. He must take a lease of her for life. This woman must never meet him. No, no. I must get her away. Maudlin may return at any moment. {Going toward Gert. l.) My dear madam., your story is most interesting, but to 41 what am I indebted for the pleasure of this visit? {Stf- fing beside her.) Gert. {s/i07iiiiig him MS). Here is the manuscript of my novel. My sad experiences have enabled me to in- still into its pages — Pock, [risi/rg). Yes, yes. {Aside in great despair.) I shall never get rid of her. {Aloud) I'll read it directly; believe me. Gert. {pulling him baekinto his chair and speaking with great feeling) 1 do; I do believe you. You have an hon- est face. Pock, {aside). Oh, for the face of a demon for just one minute. {He makes a hideous grimace and pushes his chair from her toward sofa R. Gert. {following him to ri^r/if r-vith her chair). Ah, I see you are pleased. Well, the character of the heroine is very original — a rax'en haired {bus. ivith ^/^^^//''), dark-eyed, {bus.), red-lipped {bus.), olive-complexioned — Pock, {rising). Oh, Lord! Gert. {pulling him into his seat again). 01i\e-com- plexioned damsel, just arrived at that stage of life bor- dering between girlhood and wiMiianhood — {bus) Pock, {rising; he is standing by this time against sofa r.) Oh, yes; very good; h\gh]y or/ginal. Gert. {rising and pushing him into sofa). Oh, you like it. {Sits beside him) Pock. Yes, indeed; but — Gert. {bounding up). Well, look here. {Goes c and places a chair doivn C; then consults her MS) Pock, {rising; r corner; aside). I can quite under- stand men committing murder during fits of tempo- rary insanity. If ever I have to sit on a murderer — I mean, if ever I have to sit on the judge — I mean, if ever 1 have to murder the jury — oh, damn — {as he passes c chair, Gert., who is standing behind it, pushes hifn into it) 42 Gert. (l of hiiii). This is the scene where the mur- der is planned in the first chapter. You will find that first chapter a very strong one. Pock, {si/ii/i/ig hopelessly). Oh, indeed. {Aside.) Damn the first chapter! {About to rise) G^-WY. {pushing him back into chair). Sit here. This is an old stone bench on tlie edge of a precipice. {Bend- ing over it, as if to look doivn precipice) Pock, {looking over also; utters a cry of horror) Ah! {Then as if about to push her over) Oh, if it were! Gert. {placing MS. c). That is the precipice. {Col- lecting several bundles of bills, letters, etc., from table i., throws them in different directions) There is the bound- less ocean; there a snow-clad mountain {becoming quite pathetic). See — see the beauteous sun tinging the moun- tain top with maiden blushes {gesticulating wildly.. Pock, rises, carried aivay by her eloquence, and follows her description in wonder. She suddenly hits him in the chest, knocking him back into the chair) where you, who are the villain — Pock, {blandly) Oh! indeed; r?n the villain? Gert. Yes; you avow your love for me. {Kneeling beside him l; she places Pock.'s arm around her waist and continues to talk wildly in dumb show; c d quietly opens and Mrs. Griffin and Amelia silently enter; Gertie is now referring to her MS. before her) Mrs. Grif. {triumphantly aside, to Amelia; they both remain up c.) Now, Amelia; perhaps you will believe your eyes? Amel. Oh! mother, mother. {Clings to Mrs. Grif- fin.) Gert. Well, having told your love so eloquently, I yield to your persuasions to fly, for I adore you. {Pas- sionately. ) Mrs. Grif. Brazen hussey!! {Aside; furious) 43 Pock, {^smiles idiotically at Gertie.) Yes. Gert. Don't be so giddy. Pock. I can't help it, my dear; its the precipice. {Pointing to manuscript c.) Gert. Well, having made all arrangements, you leave your mother-in law to the tender mercies of my wicked uncle, who poisons her. Pock, [emphatically^ Good!! very good!! I like that, ha! ha! go on, go on. Mrs. Grif. {aside.) Villain! monster!!! Gert. {^u^ry much excited) And we escape to America on a raft. Mrs. Grif. {aside.) Gracious Heaven!! Pock. Splendid! splendid! Amel. {aside.) Oh! mother, mother. Gert. I am quite ignorant of the fact that you are married; but you insist on taking a woman with you, whom I discover, when in the middle of the Atlantic, to be your wife. Mrs. Grif. Oh! horror. {Aside.) Gert. In the strugi^le which ensues, your wife is killed. Pock. Ah! {In his excitement he gets on the back of his chair, his feet on the seat.) Why, who kills her? Gert. You do; you smash her head in with a boot. Pock. Ah!! Don't you think the anchor would have been better? Amel. Oh! mother, mother; let us hear no more, no more. Mrs. Grif. {in a hoarse whisper.) Stay, girl; we will hear all. Courage! courage! {She takes Amelia bv the hand; they come doivn c behind Gertie and Pock.) Gert. Then as we have consumed all the food on board, we are obliged to cat your vvife. Pock, {still on back of chair and very much excited) 44 AJtH Oh! I say, that first chapter is a little too strong, ha! ha! ha! eat my wife. Now, if it were her mother! Mrs. Grip, [coming down suddenly L, while Amelia goes dotvn r of Pock.) Well, sir? Pock, utters a yell of horror and falls backward over his chair; Gertie also falls l of him; he bounds up and covers her face ivith the hood of her cloak; seizes her hat, which has fallen off, and endeavors to hide it. Mrs. Grif. [pointing to Gertie.) Well, sir? Pock, [seizing her hand and shaking it.) Quite well, thanks; yes. Mrs. Grip, [violently.) So, sir? Pock, raises Gertie, holds her in his arms, still keepitig her face covered; and not knowing what to do with her hat, in his excitement he puts it on his head; it is a large brigand hat, with huge feather. Mrs. Grif. [violently.) So, Mr. Pocklington. Pock. 1 — I haven't got anything to sew. Mrs. Grif. What have you to say, sir? Pock, [smiling pleasantly.) Ah! you didn't go to Ma- dame Tussands then, after all? Mrs. Grif. [violently.) No, sir; we did not do so. Pock. You did not too so, ha! ha! Very good; very good, indeed. Mrs. Grif. [wildly.) Sir!!! Pock. You wouldn't like to go there 7ioiv? Mrs. Grif. [violently.) No, sir. Pock. No! that's what I say; you would not; you would not like to go to the Tower or the Monument? Mrs. Grif. {madly.) No, sir!!! Pock. No! That's what I say; you would not. Mrs. Grif. [losing all self control.) Enough sir; we have overheard all. Pock, [aside.) Gad; then I must put a bold face on 45 the matter; 1 must bully her, or rather coiv her; but what am I to do with this! {^Placing Gertie on sofa r; covers her face}) Maudlin must never meet or even hear of her again. {To Mrs. Gkiffin, 7vho has been attempting to console her daughter^ So, madam; having broken into my apartment, like a jolly old burglar, you imagine, no doubt, that you have made an important discovery ? Mrs. Grip. Imagine.' I have made a discovery; I am quite sure of ir. On your knees, Mr. Pocklington, and implore pardon of my injured child and your indig- nant mother-in-law, that is to be. As for that woman, {pointing to sofa) the law shall deal with her. Pock, {aside.) Yes; the raother-in-/aw. Maudlin appears c d; « note book in his hand. Mrs. Grip. Mr. Maudlin has overheard your diaboli- cal plot as well as we. Enter Maudlin c d; comes down r of sofa. Maud. Yes; I've got it all down here; I have recog- nized in this person the thief of my penholder; I knew her by the footprint outside the door. Oh! Sera- phina, Seraphina. {Aside.) Ah! that gray-blue water- proof, trimmed with red. {Goes c making notes.) Pock. Seraphina is beyond the reach of your anger. Mrs. Grif. {sinking ifito chair l ^/ l table) ) Maud, {sinking into chair c.) > Dead!' Amel. {sinking into chair K of l. table.) ) Pock. No.' What I mean is that the person you see on that couch is not Seraphina. Maud, {rising.) That won't do, Pocklington. Pock, {angrily.) Silence, Maudlin. (Maudlin sinks back into chair c.) Amel. {rising.) Who is the woman, Theophilus? Pock. A lady who has called to transact some busi- ness with me, my dear. Mrs. Grif. (c) But you don't transact business with 46 women in your arms, Mr. Pocklington. Man, vian; your goings on will kill mc. {Retires weeping L corner}) Pock, (r aside.) Then I shall certainly continue my '" goins^s on." MkS. Grip. You will bring down my rapidly growing gray hairs in sorrow to the grave. Amel. {crossing to c.) Oh! Theophilus; have you no respect for manima's rapidly growing gray hairs. {Goes up K c weeping) Pock, {r corner; aside, evidently deeply touched) Hang it, they've found out my weak point; I aUvays had a great reverence for age; this is too much. {Aloud.) My dear madam, believe me I sympathize with your rapidly grow- ing bald head. Mrs. Grif. {violently) MoiisterU! Pock. I mean — Mrs. Griffin. Silence! ribald, rufifian. He ridicules my rapidly growing bald — {correcting herself) giay hairs. {She tvecps l.) Amel. Oh! Theophilus. {Weeps also c) Maud, {rising). I say, Pocklington, you really should not ridicule her rapidly growing fiald — gray hairs — Pock. Silence, Maudlin. [Mavd. again sinks into chair C.) Mrs. Griffin, I am sorry if I — Mrs. Grif. A falsehood, Mr. Pocklington; an impu- dent falsehood. {Crossing to sofa). I insist on seeing this woman's face. Pock, {intercepting her). Stand back, madam; your curiosity shall not be gratified. {Aside) I must remove her to another room. {He is about to do so when Amel. comes doivn c.) Amel. Theophilus, one word. Fickle, holloiv The- ophilus, one word. {Tearfully) Why have you de- ceived me, hollow Theophilus? Why tell your trusting Amelia you adore when you do not adore? 47 Pock, (r of sofa). 'Cause I'm ajar — no, no — Amel. Why are you hoUou\ Theophilus? Pock. My darling, I'm twt hollow. Amel. [beseechingly). Oh, Theophilus, tell me why you are hollow. Maud, [j-ising). Tell her why you are hollow. Pock. Silence, Maudlin! {yixvD. sinks info his chair.) Mrs. Grip, {severe/}^. Man, why are you hollow? Pock, {in despair). I give it up. (TT^Amel.) Ask me another, dear. Amel. Theophilus, another word. In spite of my dear mother's endeavors to open my eyes to your base- ness, I have, in the excess of my faith in you, remained blind to it. I have hoped that her suspicions might prove unfounded and be merely the outcome of her anx- iety for my honor. But now I can no longer doubt. Having lost your love, I mean to trouble you no longer with my detested presence [going c d). Pock, [who has made several attempts to interrupt Amel. during this speech, but has had to elude Mrs. Grif.'s en- deavors to see Gertie's faceY Amelia, Amelia, do not say that all is sofa between us [pointing to sofa.) Amel. [up at c d). Farewell — forever. [iS'.v/V Amel. c d Pock, [up c). Amelia, I will explain all. This woman is — [Aside) No, no; Maudlin shall not meet her. I will explain when I get her out of the house. [At sofa; turn- ing to Mrs. Grif.) This, woman, do I owe to you. You have worked matters up to this horrible climax with yonx serpent's -tongue — I mean sting. Maud, [rising). I say, Pocklington, respect her rap- idly growing gray hiirs. Pock. Silence, Maudlin. (Maud, sinks again into his chair c?) Mrs. Grip, [to Pock.) Cease your abuses, sir. What 48 woman of any spirit will submit to be supplanted by an- other in her lover's affections! Why did we ever meet you? Our life was peaceful and happy, till o'er our path — with you — stole black care. Pock. I never stole your back hair. Mrs. Grif. Till we met you the world seemed bright — the sun slione — the green fields laughed — ha! ha! Maud, {sadly.) Ha! ha! Pock. Ha! ha! Mrs. Grif. The little lambs skipped joyfully from bough to bough [bus. skippiin^; Maud, and Pock, also skip), when you arose like^a — a hideous pimple on the smiling face of earth. Maud. Yes, you pimple, you. • Pock, [aside.) I shall have a Jit in a minute. Mrs. Grif. I approve of my daughter's conduct; she shall get a divorce — directly she's married. Pock. But I — this woman is — {Aside.) No, I will not, at any cost, run the risk of Maudlin recognizing her. Maud, {rising). The evidence is very strong against you, Pocklington. Mrs. Grif. {crossing to l). Once for all — Will you let me see this woman's face? Pock. Once for all — No! {Takes Gert. /;/ his arfns.) Do your worst. \^Exit D R I E, wit/i Gert. /'// /lis arms. As he carries her out he drops the garter. Mrs. Grif. is about to pick it tip, when M.h\}V>. pounces upon it and secures it. Maud. Ah! this is the thing he dropped last night.. Mrs. Grif. A garter! The garter of a fairy female. Whose is it? Maud. Precisely. If you feel this garter fell from a fairy female, who's the fairy female from whom you feel it fell? This will convict hirrj. {Aside,) Hulloa! 49 Why, this is the fellow to the garter I ])icked up in the omnibus. {He snatches the one off his coat, compares them for an instant, then pockets both?) Now I recognize the blue-gray waterproof trimmed with red. Mrs. Grie. Give me that garter, Mr. Maudlin. I insist. Maud. No, no; I will produce it at the proper time, and ive will confound him. {Aside.) This is very singu- lar — very singular. Enter Pock, r i e. Pock. Now, then, that the cause of all this excite- ment is removed, perhaps you will leave me to myself. {Aside.) She's coming to. I've almost pickled her with vinegar. The door r i e opens and Gert. appears. Pock, seizes her by the shoulders, covers her face with her cloak, opens D R 2 E, and puts her in, retaining her ivaterproof, Maud, and Mrs. Grif. endeavoring all the zvhile to catch sight of her. Gert. {speaking during this bus.). Where's my manu- scriDt? Maud. Manuscript? {Making 7iote.) Mrs. Grif. Manuscript? Pock, {at door r 2 'e., kicking out behind to keep them away). I'll read it to-morrow and send it to you; but if you don't keep quiet, I'll have nothing more to do with it. [Slams door and locks it, standing with his back against it. Aside.) She's safe at last! {Hides waterproof by winding it round his waist and buttoning his coat over it. To Maud, and Mrs. Grif.) Well, good- bye;' sorry to lose you; call again; write to me; mind yow write to me. Mrs. Grif. Here we remain until I have seen that woman's face! Pock, {aside). What shall I do? Could I contrive to make her slip away, I shouldn't care a damn! 5° Enter Mel. c d, intent on his poem. He remains up c. Mel. Woman is a penny dip — Woman is a pot of jam — Pock, {seeing him). Melchisedec! {Aside.) I never was glad to see him before. He must get her out, or I am lost! {Dragging Mrs. Grip, tioivn c) Mrs. Griffin, I will tell you all. Here — here — {Dragging Maud. do7vn c.) Maudlin, I will tell you all. Here — here — excuse me one moment — (Maud, and Mrs. Grif. sta7id c, in great expectation. Pock, goes up to Mel., 7e.iho is mum- bling to himself tragically.) Melchisedec, stop mumbling and listen to me. There's a woman in that room. Mel. {starting violently). What! I shall jump out of my skin. Pock. Dont! you might catch cold. Hush-h-h. Tell them a story — don't let them look this way for two min- utes — and I — I'll give you half a crown. Mel. a woman — eh? Ha! ha! {Digging him in, the^ ribs) Dog — devil. Pock. Hush! I assure you I am not a dog; I give you my word of honor I am not a devil. Mrs. Grif. You are trifling with us, Mr. Pocklington. Maud. Pocklington, what's your little game? Pock. Melchisedec wants to tell you a most remark- able story. {Pushing Mel. to c.) Mel. {aside to Pock.) I don't know one. Pock, {aside.) Commence. " Once upon a time " — go on. :/\ Mel. {taking Mrs. G. atid Maudlin down c.) Once upon a time — Pock, has rushed up /^ r 2 e; Mrs. G. and Maudlin turn and look at him; he hums a tune carelessly. Mel. Come, listen to me. ( They turn to hi?n; aside.) Shall I expose him? It would certainly bring matters to 5' a climax. But, no; he wouldn't leave me anything in his will. {Aloud}) Once upon a time — (Mrs. G. atul Maudlin turn on Vocv.. again; same bus.) Come, come, listen to me. [T/iey turn to hifn.) Once upon a time — (Pock, has half opened D r 2 e; he shuts it quickly as they turn again, and leans against it humming a tune.) Maud. Pocklington, what are you up to? Mrs. Grif. What are you doing, Mr. Pocklington? Pock. Nothing, nothing. {Coming down drags Mel. aside to R.) Fit tell them a story; you get her out; if she's not discovered, I'll leave you something in my will. Mel. Good! Sooner than she shall be seen, I'll strangle the whole family; dog, devil. {Digging hitn in the ribs.) Pock. Hush! I assure you I am not a dog; I give you my word of honor, I am not a devil. {M.^]^. goes up /6' D R 2 e; Pock, takes Mrs. G. and Maudlin by their arms c.) Ha! ha! {Leading them dorvn c.) Ha! ha! Once upon a time — {Looks back anxiously at Mel.) I say, once upon a lime there was — {Looks back.) I re- peat, once upon a time there ^vas a man — {Looks back) I repeat, a man, who was walking in a dark wood — I say a dark wood — {Looks back.) I repeat, a dark wood — Mrs. Grif. {very much interested.) Well! well! Maud, {ditto.) Well! well! Mel. has taken Gertie out of room r 2 E, and is leading . her by the hand, without looking at her, to D c. Pock, {proceeding, very much excited.) I say again, a dark wood; when in accents that made his blood run cold — {Lookifig back) I say, run cold; and froze the very marrow in his bones — I say marrow in his bones; he heard a voice cry — Mel. Having arrived at c D, turns and sees Gertie's face as she rushes past him out at c v>\ he utters a fran- 52 tic shriek, at which Maudlin, Pock, and Mrs. Griffin sit suddenly on the floor, as if shot, and without a move- ment of any sort, stare in front of them with glaring eyes and open mouths; Mel. ajr //£■ utters the shriek turns a complete back somersault, lands on his feet, strikes a ter- rific attitude and exclaims: My wife!!.' making the picture thus: Mel. Maudlin. Pock. Mrs. Griffin. * * * Curtain — End of Act II. The somersault is turned by a double. 53 ACT III. Scene. The same as in Act I on the afternoon of the same day as Act II. Amelia and Mrs. Griffin dis- covered. Amel. Mamma, I believe Theophilus is the victim of some mistake. He has been so obedient to your wishes in every particular until yesterday that I cannot think him guilty. Mrs. Grif. My dear, love is proverbially blind. For my part, I am beginning to feel afraid of him. He told Mr. Maudlin and me a story this morning which had the most extraordinary effect upon us both, and so astounded that distant relation that he has never been heard of since. Amel. But, mamma, why should he be so well be- haved until the last moment, and then spoil all his pros- pects wilfully. I am sure he loves me. Mrs. Grif. Has he dared to tell you so? Amel. No, mamma, indeed he has not; another proof of his desire to act honorably. He promised you he would not speak of love to me until you felt satisfied he was a fit suitor to my hand. But I have seen the long- ing in his eye. Mrs. Grif. Which eye? Amel. Both. I have seen the words, " I love you," trembling on his lips, but he has swallowed them man- fully. Concealment has fed upon his damask cheek. S4 Mrs. Grif. Well, if cheek stands for impudence, con- cealment has had a ])retty good meal of it. Amel. Mother, a man who can suffer thus for the sake of her he loves, is not the one to trifle with her heart. In the agony of the moment I believed him false; but reflection has convinced me that I must have wronged him. Mrs. Grif. Poor child — poor child! But you must forget him; he is unworthy of you. We will leave this place, and in a distant land new scenes and faces will obliterate the past. We will go to Brighton. As for that miserable Maudlin, who pretended to be my ally, but was working for his own ends while he attempted to entwine himself around my susceptible heart, he shall dream no more. I have written him a letter which will effectually wake him up. We shall leave this house to- night, ril teach them to trifle with one who has placed six husbands beneath marble tombstones. YExit Mrs. Griffin d l u e., Amel. I suppose mamma is right. She must know something about it if she has placed six husbands be- neath marble tombstones. But it seems so hard — so hard. I loved him so! Oh-h-h, my heart will break! ( Weeps.) Enter Pocklington rue. He appears titterly dazed and limp. Comes slowly down c. Pock. I've lost that garter. I know Maudlin's got it. I saw it in his eye. I don't care. Fate is against me. One last effort to clear myself with Amelia, and then — ivhat then? There's always one resource for the desper- ate. {^Produces from his overcoat pockets an enormous bot- tle labeled " Poison " and a huge pistol}, I wonder what's become of Melchisedec. Both he and that fearful female 55 seem to have vanished into thin air. {Seeing Amelia.) Ab! Amel. {looking up) Theophilus — Mr. Pocklington! Pock. Amelia — dear Amelia! You cannot believe me guilty. Circumstances are against me, but I swear to you — by everything — here — there — and tvtx^jwhere — that it is all a mistake. Your dear image has ever been en- graven in my heart. Amel. I am pleased to be engraven in your heart, Theophilus, but the evidence against you is overwhelm- ing. Pock. Evidence! Evidence! Maudlin has had a hand in it, I'll be bound — the infernal old — Amel. Theophilus, rsspect his years. He is a good old man. Let him be engraven in your heart. I must obey mamma; you must obey mamma. Pock, {angrily.) Oh — bey — mamma. Amelia, dear Amelia, I can be silent no longer. For your sake I have submitted to everything. My lips have been as dumb for six months past as — as those of this defunct bloater {taking one from tea table), because you wished me to obey your mother. I cannot bear this tyranny longer. She is unjust — cruel. Amel. Oh, Theophilus, don't speak like that of mam- ma. Let her be engraven in your heart. Pock. Hang it, Amelia, I can't have engravings of all the family in my heart; I'm not a picture gallery. It is but natural that I should speak to you of love, and ask if my affection is returned. A-MEL. Theophilus, mamma has forbidden it. Rather than disobey mamma, I would eat my head. Pock. Oh, no! no! anything but that; I couldn't bear to see you eat your head. I will be silent. I will not tell you how I love, although, in the effort to repress my feelings, I burst. 56 Amel. Oh, Theophilus! don't burst. Pock. I will not allude to the ecstatic visions which nightly bloater (/v/j-. with bloater) — I mean float 'er — float 'er — before nie of blissful existence passed forever by your dear side. Ah! had fate willed it otherwise — had you been free! Amel. What would you do? Pock. Throw myself at your feet. {Does so.) I would say, " Here is my heart {bus. ivith bloater) — ac- cept it. Here is my life — share it. Amel. Oh, Theophilus, if you could only persuade mamma of your innocence, all would be well. For I love you, Theophilus {kneeli/ig in front of him., face to face) — I love you. {Falls toward him, hitting him in the chest with her head.) Pock, {gasping.) Oh, rupture — I mean rapture. {Em- braces her) Enter Maudlin L u e. ' Maud. Pocklington, T — Amelia screams and runs off. Maud. I — I'm afraid — I intrude. Pock. You do — very much. What the devil do you want? ( Walking up and down r to l.) She loves me. {MAVBhiN folloic's close behind him.) I am again a man. Away all thoughts of suicide! Vanish despair as mist before the morning sun! I'll wipe the stain from off tiny name. I'll blot the Grififin from my path, or die! {Tu*ns suddenly and fijids 'M.kV'Dl.\in! My heart is like a bit o( putty. Sera. Lor'! I want to ask you, sir, if you will ask Mr. Maudlin to forgive me for taking his penholder to write a letter to my Hedivard2 He's that angry, and I'm afraid he'll send rne away. {Sobs.) Pock. Ah! Seraphina, do not weep; if he sends you away it shall be over my dead body. Sera. ZorH Pock. On one condition: that you will give me — That you will give me — That you will give me your garter. (Seraphina retreats to R, frightened}) Will you give me your garter, Seraphina? {Kneels; aside, rising.) I'm afraid I shall have to frighten her. [Seizing a chair; aloud, threateningly.) Will you give me your garte^, Sera- phina? Sera, (r c). Lor! the man's mad; he'll kill me; Hed- ward, where har you? {She is now fiear door R 2 E.) Pock. There, that's it; retire into that room and hand them to me tlirough the door. Sera, [tre/nblingly). Yes, sir. Hedward, where har you? [Exit in fear to room r 2 E.) Pock, {now r of sofa). Now, if I can only manage to extract the others from Maudlin's pocket and put Sera- phina's in their place, all may yet be well. Sera, [thrustins^ her arm through the opening of the door R 2 e; holding two pieces of tape). Here they are, sir. Pock, [taking them). Well, my fair visitor will cer- tainly never own these. Stay! Maudlin said he recog- nized that maniac as Seraphina; I can persuade him it was she; she whom he met in the bus.; she who was here; she who was in the office this morning. I must detain her. (Seraphina appears d r 2 e; Pock takes the water- proof, which he still has round his tvaist, and gives it to her.) Here you are, Seraphina; a little present from Ramsgate; a little present from Margate; a little present from Broa^- ' stain. Go and try it on in there. Sera. Hedward, where har you? [Exit D R 2 E.) Pock, [shutting door r 2 e and locking it). She's safe. [Going toward r u e). Now, if I can only get them to ' believe. Enter Melchisedec l u e wildly. Mel. Where is she? [Facing Pock, and striking attjr ■ tude.) q PocK. [falls on chair agh'ast k) She! Who? Mel. She is true to me after all; she never pushed me off Margate pier. Pock. Impossible! It wasn't a piece of orange peel? Mel. No; but further investigation proves it was a . piece of banana peel. Pock. Very well, I apologize. [Rising.) 63 Mel. Monster! Where is my bride? Pock. Your pride? In your pocket, I should say, dashing about like this. Mel. I have just come from her home; she left it this morning to call on you, so says her ancient mother, in a blue- gray waterproof trimmed with red. Pock. Well, zvhy her ancient mother should fay it in a blue-gray waterproof trimmed with red — any more than in a — Mel. I have just seen Mrs. Griffin, who tells me she found you with a gray-blue waterproof — I mean with a woman in a blue-red waterproof, trimmed with — I mean blue — in your — here — Pock. Blew in my ear? Mel. {advancing threateningly on Pock., who retreats to 'R corner.) Where is my bride? Give her to me, or as the thunderbolt dasheth from the angry heavens, and smasheth and teareth asunder the sturdy oak, so will I strike you to the earth. {Strikes terrific attitude.) Pock, {backing from r to l). My dear Melchisedec, pray be calm. Mel. {zvildly, still advancing on him). Calm! Bid the ocean, vexed to fury by the raging winds, be calm. Pock, (l corner). I shall do no such thing. Mel. {still advancing, more and more excited). Calm!! Bid the frenzied bull, goaded to madness by the matador, be calm. Pock. (c). I refuse to accede to your request. Mel. {still more excited). Calm!!! Bid the — Pock. You'll break a blood vessel in a minute. Mel. {still advancing on Pock.. 7vho retreats toward chaiy R.) Blood! aye blood. Think not that I shall sub- mit tamely to be robbed of my love; although you have estranged her heart from me, you shall not enjoy your sinful triumph. Ruffian! you shall die. 64 Pock, (sinking aghast on chair r). I refuse to die, Melchisedec. Mel. [standing over hint). And when I have hacked you h'mb from limb; when I have torn your false and coward heart from your perjured pocket, {Snatching Pocklington's handkerchief from his breast pocket) and presented it to her who has proved so faithless, then will I end my miserable life. {Turns from Pocklington7 ^ ^^ ""- * J" "^^^ "^ •^o J' V' -^ . s> o " " " • ^>, 'o . . • A > A*^ '-:vp<.- ,X" '•"„ . . /•.■■■■ o ~^ I V .^m^. \/^ '^^M'^ "^^-'^^' '" a'^ ... <>.