^ A \. lY WITH THE IFECIALISTS fn? ANCl-S S. W.ATS()N. M.D. Class J&SAi:4J_ Book.AM2llL3.__ COPYRIGHT DEPOSrr A DAY WITH THE SPECIALISTS OR, Cured at Last One hundred copies of this book have been printed for private distribution. A DAY WITH THE SPECIALISTS OR, CURED AT LAST A Tragic Farcelet BY FRANCIS S. WATSON, M.D. THE GRAFTON PRESS NEW YORK MCMX COPVRIGHT, 1910 By FRANCIS S. WATSON ©OLD '^2819 r DEDICATION To THE Author To show that we appreciate Your artistry chirurgical. Dear Frank, your friends here beg to state They've gathered round to dedicate To you, a work Panurgical ; A hymn to Pa Hippocrates, Which, had we but the wit to quote it. Would make you laugh until you'd wheeze. We hope the little gift will please You. Anyhow, it should ; you wrote it. DRAMAT^ PERSONS. NON GRAT^ As performed at the Tavern Club, Boston, February 19, 1902 Joshua Silas Slocum, of South Skudunk, Vt. Dr. Edward Reynolds MiRANDY Slocum, his wife, so far as any one knows, Dr. F. B. Lund Dr. Eliphalet Goodheart, a shrewd, but not erudite, country doctor. Dr. A. T. Cabot Dr. Fetch em, a fashionable, general practitioner of Boston, Dr. Paul Thorndike Dr. Fetchem's Footman, Dr. H. W. Cushing Nervous Patient, the tragic element in the drama, and the victim of the medical pro- fession. Dr. J. C. MuNRo Dr. Oily Worthhisword, Dr. Samuel Langmaid James, his office boy. Dr. H. W. Cushing Dr. Jollyman Oldmaid, an eminent consultant and specialist on diseases of the stomach. Dr. R. W. Lovett Dr. Up-to-date Carver, a distinguished sur- geon and a keen blade. Dr. F. S. Watson 8 Dramat^ Persons Non Grat^e Dr. Winter ] Dr. Carver's three assistants. Dr. Bates }■ dragged into the roles by the Dr. Briggs J hair of their heads. , Dr. F. H. Davenport Dr. Lovett Dr. G. W. W. Brewster Buttons, Dr. Carver's boy. Dr. Cushing Mr. Ellis, the perfect product of modern sur- gery, and indistinguishable from Apollo, Dr. G. H. Monks Dr. Duckbill, ex-plumber, successor to Lydia Pinkham, and far-famed quack. Dr. F. G. Balch Dr. Duckbill's Scribe, Dr. Cushing X-Ray Exhibit, a transparent fraud. Dr. Roentgen Lunatics at Large, Malpractice Suit Lawyers, Christian Scientists, Natural Bone Setters, Isms, Osteopaths and paths of all sorts. Credulous Public, and other necessary accessories of the regular medical profession will be supplied appropriately pro re nata. A DAY WITH THE SPECIALISTS OR, CURED AT LAST SCENE I Introductory The kitchen of Joshua Silas and his wife Mirandy Slocum's home in Vermont. A table, centre; a horsehair sofa, right; two kitchen chairs and a rocking chair, hack and left. Door, rear. Mirandy with her sleeves rolled up, specs on her nose, engaged in making pastry at the table. Enter Dr. Eliphalet Goodheart, fur coat, medicine case under his arm and trousers tucked into top- boots. Dr. Goodheart. How dew, Mirandy. Where's Joshuay ? Mirandy. Joshuay.'' Oh, he's up-stairs a-nus- sin' of his complaints same 'shusual. Dr. Goodheart (places medicine case on chair). What are you a-doin', Mirandy.'' Mirandy. Oh, I'm a-makin' 'smore them mince pies an' doughnuts. He don't seem ter reUsh 9 10 A Day with the Specialists nothin' else cept naouw and then a pickle or tew, and he ain't satisfied ef he don't git one or tother three times a day at anyrate. Take yer settin', won't ye, Doctor? Dr. Goodheart {sitting down). Mirandy, do you want to know my real opinion 'baout Joshuay ? Mirandy. Wal, I don't see why not. Dr. Goodheart. Wal, of course you've known Joshuay purty middlin' well fer a considerable number of years, an' I've known him man an' boy sence he wus knee high ter a grasshopper. I don't know what you think. Miry, but it's my jedgment thet there ain't nothin' really the matter with Joshuay at all. Mirandy. Eliphalet! I b'lieve you're a-talkin' right dauwn hard sense, an' it's been my own idee fur quite a spell back. The hull trouble with Joshuay be thet he gits more satisfaction outer studyin' his numerous ailments than from anythin' else. I don't like ter say it, nor wouldn't to anyone else, but he suttenly dew take a heap o' comfort in yarb medicines an' groanin'. Naouw, the question is, what be ye a-goin' ter dew 'baout it? Dr. Goodheart. Wal, I'm mighty glad thet your opinion is the same ez mine. Naouw, ez to what we air a-goin' ter dew, it aint so easy, fur he alius wus tarrible sot in his mind when he got his head a-pinted one way, an' it dew seem 'sthough it would take nigh outer a convulsion of nater to turn him raound; howsever, I ruther guess I've got a Scene I II way ter git him cured up, an' I b'lieve he oughter pack right up, an' you tew, an' both on ye go daouwn ter Bostin an' visit some o' them big specialists, thet they've got thar; they've got all the new 'ventions, ye see, an' they dew say ez they kin look right inter a man's insides an' see the hull workin's of his vital organs. MiRANDY. 'Slike ez not, thar aint nothin' thet's tew much ter b'lieve 'n these days, what with 'lec- tricity an' them things. Dr. Goodheart. Wal, ez I wus a-goin' ter say, ye needn't worry but them specialist fellers '11 find plenty of diseases in friend Joshuay ter mek him pufFectly satisfied, an' it's my 'peenion ez how it's likely thet he'll be even more'n satisfied, and glad enough ter get home an' go right ter work farmin', an' find he ain't tew sick ter dew a good day's work right along tew. MiRANDY. Eli, you've hit onter the right idee an' we'll go right ahead, an' dew it terwonst. Enter Joshua, shuffling gait, pair of large carpet slippers, in his shirt sleeves, "wearing a look of patient endurance and misery. Joshua. Momin', Eliphalet. Haouw's yer health? Dr. Goodheart. Purty middlin', thank ye, haouw's yerself, Joshuay.'' Joshua {shuffles over to the horsehair sofa and lies down upon if). Oh, I'm 'bout same 'shushal. IS A Day with the Specialists I don't seem ter git no better. Fac' is, I'm gittin' nigh onter descouraged. Dr. Goodheaet. Wal, naouw, Joshuay, I'm goin' ter talk right out plain talk. I've got ter own up thet I've got 'baout to the end of my tether on your case, an' I hev bin a-talkin' it over some with Mirandy, an' ez far ez I kin see, she's 'baout of the same 'peenion ez I be, thet the best thing fer you ter dew, is to go right daouwn ter Bostin an' see them specialists thar, an' let 'em find aout jest what is the matter with you an' tell yer what ter dew ter git cured up. It'll take some money, of course, but then agin, yer likely ter earn more alive then yer be ef yer dead. Ef I understand it rightly Mirandy's 'baout med up her mind ter the same jedgment. Joshua. Doc, did I understand ye ter say ez haouw Mirandy'd med up her mind ter hev me go daouwn thar? 'Cos, ef thet's so, it'll save some time I reckon ter start in and get ready, fur thar ain't no partickler use in tryin' ter divart Mirandy's mind when it's sot on doin' somethin'. (Stroking his heard, and reflecting.) Mirandy, I s'pose yer raclact ez how yer did favor hevin' me try a spell of thet air Yeller kidney cure, ez yer cousin Ella was a-recommendin' fer me. Mirandy (with decision). Naouw, Joshuay, thar ain't no use a-talkin'. I'm a-goin' ter tek yer right daouwn ter Bostin termorrow, jes' ez Elipha- let says, an ' ye needn't trouble yer head 'baout Scene I 1ft packin' up yer tilings; I'll tend ter thet myself. The train leaves our depot at jes' four minits after six o'clock, an' thet's 'baout all there be ter say 'baout it. I allers did hate a-dawdlin' raound, when yer've got somethin' ter dew. Joshua (aside). Wal, I didn't s'pose 'twarn't no use a-kickin' agin the pricks, but thar warn't no harm in tryin' jes' ter mek sartin. I'd a darned sight ruther tek my chances a-sottin' right here, of bein' boxed up decent and drivin' over ter the cemitry, than ter go daouwn ter Bostin, an' hev them air specialists a-clappin' their newfangled notions onter my sufferin' carcass, an' they do say ez Boston's a tarrible wicked place tew. (Suddenly brightening at the thought of the possible deter- rent effect of this fact upon Mirandy.) (Aloud.) Um — wal, Mirandy, thar's one thing anyhaouw. It'll be kinder interestin' fer yer ter see Bostin (with drawling deliberation), though they dew say ez Bostin's a kinder den of iniquity an' sin. Yes, I heam Joe Willis, when he cum back onst tellin' ez haouw 'twar jes' chock full uv sin an' deprivations. Why, he said ez haouw 'twarn't northin' oncommon ter see men a-reelin' through the streets, clean overcome with liquor. (With a final call upon his imagination.) Yes'n wussin thet, thar wuz painted Jezebels ter lure folks inter dark corners, an' thet he seen himself more'n one ragler decent church-goin' man fall inter the traps thet they sot raound in the most likely places, an' 14 A Day with the Specialists get his soul 'tarnally chawed up 'fore he cud git outen 'em. MiRANDY (who has been regarding Joshua se- verely over the top of her specs). Ef you think, Joshuay S. Slocum, thet I ain't able ter handle any sech disreptible critters of sin, or thet I can't keep yer tew hum nights outen the way of them air Jezebels, whether they be painted, or whether they bean't, ye suttenly must hev been hvin' with yer eyes tight shet. Won't ye come in and take yer dinner with us, Eliphalet? Dr. Goodheart (putting on coat and taking medicine chest under his arm). Guess not, thank ye. Miry, I got ter be goin' 'long. Wal, Josh! I hope ye'll come back cured right up, an' I guess it's more'n likely ye will tew. So long! (Ewit.) Mirandy. Now, then Joshuay, ef you're ready, we'll go an' partake of our vittles with sech thank- fulness ez the state of your stummick'U allow. (Goes toward door to middle room, followed by Joshua.) There's no doubt baout one thing — you suttenly dew enjoy tollable poor health. (Exit both door, side). Curtain SCENE II Dr. Fetchem's Office Dr. Fetchem is a general practitioner, having a fashionable practice, a suave and impressive man- ner, a retentive pressure of the hand, the look of prosperity, the art of noncommittal speech and wise-looking silence. The curtains of office and waiting room rise together. Dr. F. is in the office seated at his desk reading a book, his back to the audience. Bell rings. Neatly liveried footman opens the waiting room door, rear, and ushers in the N. P. (Nervous Patient), and exit, closing waiting room door. Nervous Patient fidgets about for a moment, then Dr. F. enters waiting room through communicating door between it and office. N. P. Good morning, Dr. Fetchem. I have come to hear the result of your examination of me yesterday, and to know what I have to do. Dr. Fetchem. Quite so. Come in to the office, if you please. {They enter office.) Be seated! {Taking record book from drawer, and beginning to run through its index of names of patients. Turning to the N. P.) Let me see — er — This is Mr. Todd, I believe? 15 16 A Day with the Specialists N. P. Yes, I believe it is. De. Fetchem. To be sure. (Finding his rec- ord, and scanning it for a moment, while the 'patient becomes palpably more and more anicious.) Ah, yes. Now, Mr. Todd, you should not allow what I have to say to give you the least alarm (N. P. at once looks greatly perturbed), but the fact is, I find that you have a number of troubles which make it important that you should place yourself under the care of certain of my distin- guished specialist confreres. I have written their names for you on this slip of paper. N. P. But, Doctor, do you mean to say that you cannot take care of the whole of me? I thought 3'ou were a general practitioner. Dr. Fetchem. Precisely, my dear sir, and for that reason I cannot assume the responsibility of anything more than your general diseases, such as smallpox, diphtheria, the plague, and such things, and unfortunately, you have none of that sort. N. P. Well, how many of them must I consult? Dr. Fetchem. Oh, not more than eight or nine. N. P. Eight or nine ! Good gracious ! do you think I am so ill as that.'' Dr. Fetchem (with look of profound wisdom). I have not said so. N. P. Won't it be very expensive for me to go to all these doctors? Dr. Fetchem. One should not count the cost Dr. Fetchem's Office 17 too closely in the search for health. I must tell you that you should delay as little as possible in going to see these gentlemen. (Rising.) N. P. (starting towards door). Well, if I must I will start at once. Good morning, Dr. Fetchem. (Aside.) I am sure he is keeping back something terrible from me. (Exit through office door, rear, scanning list.) Dr. Fetchem resumes his seat and hook. Enter Joshua and Mirandy, waiting room door, rear, shown in hy liveried footman, whom Joshua sur- veys with much interest, while Mirandy gazes about at the detail of the room. Footman exit, waiting room door, rear). Joshua. Wonder what he be. Looks like a merlishly man, don't he, Mirandy .'* Ye don't sup- pose he be the doctor, do ye? Mirandy. Course he bean't, he'd hev spoke up ef it hed been. JosHTTA. Guess thet's so. (Looking about.) This house's fixed up kinder slick, naouw I tell ye. Tek it altergether, it's a considdable institootion. Mirandy (disposes of her impedimenta, placing umbrella, handbag, shawl, etc., etc., on and beside a chair, and sits down). Wal, I think we're for- t'nite ter git here at all. It's 'baout like looking fer a needle in a haystack ter find a doctor here. I never tho't thar wuz any place thet had so many doctors into it. Folks must be powerful ailin' daouwn here to Bostin. 18 A Day with the Specialists Footman (enters office door, rear). Patients to see you, sir. (Exit.) Dr. Fetchem. Very well. (Rises and opens communicating door between office and waiting room.) Do you wish to see me.? MiRANDY. Yes, we dew, we cum daouwn from South Skudunk, Vermaount, a-purpus, ez directed ter dew by Dr. Eliphalet Goodheart. You've hearn tell of him, mebbe. He told us ter begin with you, so here we be. Dr. Fetchem. To be sure. Dr. Goodheart is known to me by reputation, and I am pleased to be of service to any of his patients. Which of you is it that needs advice, may I ask, Mr. ? Joshua. Joshua S. Slocum's my name, an' I be the one thet's ailin'. I'll mek yer 'quainted with my wife, Mis' Slocum. (The Doctor hows.) Dr. Fetchem. Well, now, let us find out some- thing about you, Mr. Slocum. What did your parents die of? Joshua. Wal, I don't rightly racklect, but 'twarn't northin' serious. Dr. Fetchem (looks at Joshua with some sur- prise). Indeed! But cannot you recall the nature of their last illnesses.? MiRANDY (interrupting). 'Taint no use asking Joshuay northin' 'baout what his folks died on. But I kin tell ye. Mis' Slocum, she alius hed suf- fered from tollable good health, till 'baout tew year before she died, an' then she wus tuk with innerd Scene II 19 spasms, an' I alius did allow that I never see no one thet enjoyed more sufferin' than Mis' Slocum from thet on till she passed away. But she wus alius a good religious woman an' she wus pufFectly re- signed an' willin' ter go. Joshua {interrupting). Willin'! she was obleeged, MiRANDY. Wal, naouw, Joshuay's grandmother, she— Dr. Fetchem (interrupting). A most estima- ble lady, no doubt, Mrs. Slocum, but — MiRANDY (interrupting). Wal, ez I wus a-goin' ter tell ye, she kinder divided up her time 'tween hevin' fits and cramps, an' — Dr. Fetchem (interrupting). To be sure, to be sure, my dear lady — MiRANDY (aside). I alius did hate folks ez called other folks their "dear leddies" ; it's too per- miscus. Dr. Fetchem. But to return to Mr. Slocum — MiRANDY. Naouw, thar wus Joshuay's uncle Zeekil tew, he alius hed a leanin' ter cholera from the fust, I guess. 'Tanyrate, he died of cholera mostly, I reckon, at sea onst — So, ye see thet Joshuay don't inherit not above extry good health. Dr. Fetchem (interrupting with decision of tone). Did you say, Mrs. Slocum, that Mr. Slo- cum's mother died after having had inward spasms? MiRANDY. Yes, thet's what I said, an' — Dr. Fetchem (quickly cutting across). Ah, in 20 A Day with the Specialists that case, there is but one thing to be done and that at once, and that is to X-ray Mr. Slocum. Joshua. What be that? Dr. Fetchem. Oh, the X-ray? Why, it's the most wonderful discovery of the day, Mr. Slocum. It enables us to see through the human body, and to note all its inward workings. Joshua (aside). Wal, ef he's got any machine thet can look threw me any better'n Mirandy can, it'll sartinly be a wonderful discovery. (Aloud.) Wal, ef thet's necessary, go ahead. Does it hurt any. Doc? Dr. Fetchem. Oh, dear no! It won't take a moment. If you will just step into the next room on the further side of the waiting room. (Opens office door to waiting room and they pass into the room on the further side which still has the curtain down. Here X . . . . painted with luminous paint in such a way as to show his ribs and liver, etc., is substituted for J. Curtain rises, the whole room having been previously darkened.) That's right, Mr. Slocum, just make yourself quite comfortable, please. Mirandy. Where be ye, Joshuay? Dr. Fetchem. He is sitting right here, Mrs. Slocum. Turn on the X-ray, if you please. (A shawl which has hitherto concealed the luminous X , drops to his waist, revealing him as described above.) Scene II 21 MiRANDY (startled). Heavens ter Betsy! what's that? Dr. Fetchem. It's only your husband, Mrs. Slocum. MiRANDY. Guess not! That critter bean't no husband of mine. Dr. Fetchem. I assure you, Mrs. Slocum, it is but the effect of the X-ray which renders the body transparent. MiRANDY (crossing over and running her hand over Joshua^s head and face). Wal, 'tis Joshuay. I never would hev b'lieved. Joshuay Slocum, hev you any idee what an ondecent spectacle you're a-makin' of yerself ? Joshua. I hain't done northin'. What you talkin' 'baout, Mirandy."^ MiRANDY (with firm conviction). Joshua Silas Slocum, ef I'd known when I went to church and married you, thet thar wus anythin' thet could mek you look like thet, I never would hev done it. You sartinly air homely. Curtain SCENE III Dr. Worthhisword's Office The Doctor is in the office. Nervous Patient (enters waiting room, ner- vously taking list from his pocket after placing bag on the table). Now, what ought I to do? Dr. Know All, he's the first. Ah! here it is. Spray throat at two o'clock. {Looks hurriedly at his watch. ) Gracious ! it's two minutes past two. {Takes a throat spray from the bag, goes to mir- ror, rear, and awkwardly sprays his throat, getting some of it in his eye, some on his necktie, etc., comes back and takes his seat after wry faces and vigor- ous spitting; consults list.) I wonder if it's time for anything else. Let me see — yes, Dr. Monocle's eye douche. {Dives into bag and produces a large bottle of eye wash and a large eye dropper with a good sized rubber bulb attachment ; returns to mir- ror; similar grotesque pantomime ; squirts a lot of the stuff onto his collar, making it perfectly limp.) Oh, how horrid! And I've got to make a call at Mrs. de Ventnor's. (Manages to get the wash all over his face, and a little into his eyes, which it stings violently. ) Ow ! it's awfully painful. I hope I haven't got the wrong thing. Wouldn't it 22 Scene III 23 be horrible? Ah ! it's getting a Httle easier. {Grad- ually recovers and comes blinking down stage to consult list again.) I hope there isn't anything more to be done now. {Rises and looks about with embarrassment, drawing at the same time another large syringe, with a long tube attached to the bulb, from the bag, fills it from a bottle.) I really don't see how — {Looks helplessly about.) Enter Dr. W orthhisword. N. P. hastily stuffs the syringe into his coat-tail pocket (he has pre- viously filled the syringe), leaving the end hanging out; sits down hurriedly in his embarrassment upon the bulb of the syringe, and a stream of water runs over the Doctor's best chair to the floor. N. P. Oh, Doctor, I am a patient of Dr. Fetchem's. Dr. Worthhisword. Ah ! in that case, I cannot of course undertake your case. N. P. But why not.? Dr. Worthhisword. Professional etiquette for- bids, sir, and I think also there must be a mistake. You are evidently looking for my friend Dr. Stop- leak Plumber. He lives just two doors below; such a condition as yours is dangerous ; don't delay a moment. {Escorts the N. P. rapidly to door, rear. N. P. exits, syringe tube hanging from his coat-tail pocket.) Dr. Worthhisword. Confound him, he has spoiled my best chair. {Takes chair cushion by one comer, carries it into office, and tosses it out at 24 A Day with the Specialists door, rear; closing door and taking out his watch.) It's time those patients were here that I asked Dr. Jollyman Oldmaid to see with me in consultation. {Bell rings.) Ah! I rather think they've come now. {Enter Joshua and Mirandy hy waiting room door, rear. Dr. W. goes to meet them from office.) Come in, Mr. Slocum. Come in, Mrs. Slocum. I don't think Dr. Oldmaid will keep us waiting long. {They pass into office. Joshua and Mirandy and Dr. W. sit down.) Joshua. Oh, thar's no need to worry on aour accaount. We didn't cal'late ter tend to no other bizness, but jes' doctorin', when we cum daouwn. {Bell rings.) Dr. Worthhisword. Ah, that's the Doctor now, no doubt, {Enter Dr. Jollyman Oldmaid, office door, rear. ) How d'ye do, Doctor. I'm very much obliged to you for coming. Dr. Oldmaid {shaking hands with Dr. W.) Not at all. {Takes off overcoat.) Dr. Worthhisword. Let me introduce you to the patient, Mr. Slocum, Doctor. Dr. Oldmaid. I'm glad to see you, Mr. Slocum. Joshua {without rising). Haouw dew.? Mek ye 'quainted with my wife. Mis' Slocum. {Waves his hand toward Mirandy. Mirandy nods.) Dr. Oldmaid. Well, I am sorry you need ad- vice from the profession, Mr. Slocum, but I've no doubt, my friend the Doctor here, will put you all right again soon. Scene III 25 Joshua. Wal, thet's what I'm a-lookin' fer. Dr. Worthhisword. Now, if you will just step into the waiting room again, I will call you when the Doctor and I have got through our consulta- tion. {Joshua and Mirandy re-enter waiting room and sit dozen . ) Joshua. I don't know much 'baout these con- sultations, but it dew look ter me ez ef 'twould hev bin more nat'ral ef they'd hed me in thar ter con- sult 'baout. Don't yer think so, Mirandy? Mirandy (with asperity). Don't ask me. Their ways is past understandin' {In office on other side of partition.) Dr. Worthhisword. Well, old man, I'm glad to see you. Sit down and tell me how everything is with you. Dr. Oldmaid. I'm first rate, and I hope you are. I haven't been able to think of anything but the foot ball game at Cambridge j^esterday. Of course you saw it. Dr. Worthhisword. Well, rather. Wasn't it a corker? I had no idea that our boys would set up such a game. {Byplay between doctors, while Mirandy lays out food in the next room, and to end of next paragraph marked "0.") Joshua. Say, Mirandy, ain't it 'baout time we hed some victles. I'm feelin' kinder holler. Mirandy. Why, sakes alive, ef I ain't clean fer- got 'em, an' you not eatin' yer breakfast neither. {Opens a bag, and takes out of it, — each thing 26 A Day with the Specialists being wrapped in a separate doily, — a piece of pale mince pie, a piece of cheese, four doughnuts, two large pickles, and a glass bottle filled with tea of a gruesome color; these she places upon the table, and they begin to eat. Byplay through rest of doctors' talk. "O.") {In office. ) Dr. J. Olbmaid. That old fellow in the other room reminds me of a pretty good story I heard the other day, of a Britisher and a Yankee who were engaged in a discussion which ended by getting pretty hot ; the Britisher finally lost his temper, and said, "Well, I 'drather, yes by Jove, I 'drather be a third class Britisher than a first class Yankee." "Wal," said the Yankee, "I guess you've got your drather." {Both laugh.) Dr. Worthhisword. That's a good one. Staples told me one that will match it, where a Britisher scored off a Yankee. They, too, were engaged in a similar discussion, only this time it was the Yankee that lost his temper, and wound up by saying, — "I'll have you understand that I am a self-made man. Sir." "Really, who interrupted you?" asked the Briton. Dr. Oldmaid. Well, I must be going. Oh, by the way, what about this patient of yours, what's the matter with him ? Dr. Worthhisword. Nearly as I can make out, it's a case of Carcinoma Epigastrii, complicated by Pityriasis Versicolor. Scene III 27 Dr. Oldmaid. Well, urn, — well, what do you want me to say to him ? Dr. Worthhisword. Oh, whatever you think best. Dr. Oldmaid. What treatment have you given him.? Dr. Worthhisword. None as yet. Dr. Oldmaid. Why don't you inflate his stomach ? Dr. Worthhisword. Good! That's a good idea; I'll do it. Dr. Oldmaid. He looked to me like a suitable subject for Suprapubic Prostatectomy. Dr. Worthhisword. Yes, I think so too. We'd better send him over to Carver to decide about that, I suppose. Dr. Oldmaid. Yes, that's the best thing to do. Well, let's have him in. Dr. Worthhisword goes to door, and beckons in Joshua and Mirandy. They go into the office^ Joshua casting regretful looKs at the food. Dr. Oldmaid. Well, the Doctor and I have gone over the case very carefully, and I entirely agree with everything he has said to you about it. Joshua. I didn't know's he had said anythin* 'baout it yet. Dr. Oldmaid. Oh, I thought the Doctor had already spoken to you. Well, he will tell you di- rectly, and I believe that his plan of treatment is also the best that could be possibly applied to such 28 A Day with the Specialists a case as yours. You are certainly to be congratu- lated on being in the hands of so skilful a man as the Doctor. Well, I won't delay you. (Starting to put on his hat and coat.) Joshua. Wal, say, ain't yer a-goin' ter look at me before ye goes? Dr. Oldmaid. Well, it is scarcely necessary, I think. You see I can always rely so absolutely on the Doctor's examination, that it is just the same as though I had done it myself. Joshua. Wal, I dessay, but I didn't know ez he'd examined me none yet. Dr. Oldmaid. Er, — Ah, — Um, — well — he will do so directly, and I meant to say that I shall be able to rely so absolutely on what he finds when he does, that it will be just as though I had done it, but {looking at Dr. W., who has for some time been trying to attract his attention), if, of course, it will be more satisfactory to you to have me make an examination, I will be glad to do so at once. (Goes up to Joshua, and goes through a series of percussions, auscultations and other movements, ending by asking Joshua to put out his tongue, after which he turns to Dr. Worthhisword.) Well, Doctor, it is exactly as you said it would be. I cer- tainly think he should have the stomach inflated, and it would be better to go to Carver after you have got through with him. (Turns again to put on his coat.) Joshua (who has kept his tongue out all the Scene III 29 while, says indistinctly, still keeping it out of his mouth). Say, Doc, ef yer be 'baout threw with my tongue, wouldn't min' takin' it inside agin, its gettin' kinder cooled daouwn. Dr. Oldmaid. Why, I didn't mean, of course, to have you keep it out like that. Joshua. Wal, I didn't know. De. Oldmaid. Well, I'll be off now. (Goes to door, rear.) Good day, good bye. {Exit.) Dr. Worthhisword. Now, I must tell you that we have decided that it will be necessary to in- flate your stomach. And so, if you please, we will do that at once. Joshua. Wal, you're the Doctor ! {Dr. Worthhisword goes to left of room and takes a pump with long tube attachment and places it near a chair, upon which he motions Joshua to be seated. The latter comes slowly forward and sits down.) Joshua. What did yer say ye wus a-goin' ter dew ter my stummick? Dr. Worthhisword. Inflate it, sir. A per- fectly simple matter, you needn't be in the least dis- turbed. It won't take me a moment. {Connects a straight tube to the rubber one on the pump, tests the pump, etc., etc., rolls up his sleeves, takes hold of the straight tube, goes to Joshua and says). Now, then, if you will just open your mouth wide, and throw the head well back — That's right. Joshua begins to remonstrate and question, but 30 A Day with the Specialists before he can get out a whole sentence, the Doctor has skilfully inserted the end of the tube into his throat, and passed it on into his stomach [telescop- ing tube to be used for this purpose^. Joshua makes a series of writhing contortions while it is descending, and ends by assuming a sort of gal- vanized attitude. The Doctor uttering reassuring remarks from time to time, pumps in air through the tube; as he does so, Joshua's abdomen gradu- ally swells to enormous dimensions, finally floating him out of his chair and onto his tiptoes, at which point Mirandy, who has been regarding him with growing horror, starts forward and seizes him by the coat-tails in order to keep him down. Mirandy. Sakes alive ! Joshuay, where be ye a-goin' ter? What air ye a-doin' of? Doctor, what on airth is the matter with him? Can't you let the win' outen him? Dr. Worthhisword {who has become seriously alarmed). Don't be alarmed, my dear Madam. (Turns quickly to pump and reverses a stop cock. A loud explosion follows; Joshua's abdomen col- lapses and he falls onto Mirandy, squashing her flat.) Joshua {slowly recovering). Judas Priest! thoiiffht I knew suthin' 'baout win' on the stum- mick myself, but all I ever done thet way, wus jes' amatoor wuk. Gosh ! thought I was goin' straight up ter heaven one while thar. Didn't feel ez tho' I weighed more'n an ounce or tew ; ef Mirandy Scene III 31 hedn't caught holdt of mc, don't know haouw fur I would hev gone. (Looking about.) Where be yer, Mirandy? Wal, Jerusliay, ef I bean't a-settin' on 3'er. {Slowly struggles to his feet and helps Jier up. ) Wal, ef this don't beat cowcumbers ! INIiRANDY (slozdy recovering her breath). Be yer hurt any, Joshuay? I b'lieve he might hev killed yer. (Turning wrathfully upon the Doctor.) I'll • hev ye understan' Doctor, thet Joshuay S. Slocuni aint no toy balloon. What on airth dew yer mean by a-blowin' uv him up in thet ondecent manner? I never did hear of sech goin's on in all my life. Joshuay, come right along uv me. I ain't goin' ter hev yer stoppin' with no sech critter as this. (Drags Joshua out of office through wait- ing room. Both exit through rear door, followed by Doctor, expostulating.) Curtain SCENE IV Dr. Up-to-Date Carver's Office Dr. Carver is a surgeon who has reduced his prac- tice and himself along with it to a perfect machine- like system, and who moves with extraordinary rapidity through each day's work in consequence. His office is provided with contrivances to save time. All his surgical instruments are ready packed in large hand bags, which stand on the floor along one side wall of the office, and are labelled in large type, "Lung Kit," "Liver Kit," etc. An instru- ment sterilizer occupies a shelf on one side wall, and a case containing^ bandages, dressings, etc., etc., the other. There is also a desk, a revolving chair in front of it, two or three other chairs, a long table fitted with lamps, etc. Typewriting machines are heard outside the waiting room. Three assist- ants are engaged in packing operating bags and sorting out surgical instruments as the curtain rises. Dr. Carver is rather abrupt in manner, and speaks with a sharp incisive voice. Enter Dr. Carver. Dr. Carver. Ah, good morning, gentlemen. What have we got to do to-day, Dr. Winter.? 33 Scene IV 33 Dr. Winter (coming forward, reads from list). Total extirpation of the liver, Fall River; removal of left lung, Lowell ; excision of lower half of the spine, Cambridge ; two cases of acute appendicitis, Boston ; requests for eight consultations, three of them out of town ; ten operations at the hospital ; demonstration of your new instruments at the hos- pital at noon ; Mr. Ellis to show the photograph which represents him as he was before operation, to call at 2.30. (Hands Dr. C. the list; the latter rapidly scratches pencil through certain details and returns it.) Dr. Carver. Lowell train.'' Dr. Winter. 9.30, sir. Dr. Carver. Dr. Bates, meet me with the lung kit at the station at 9.20. Dh. Bates. Yes, sir. (Catches up lung kit and exit quickly.) Dr. Carver. I will do the spine case at Cam- bridge on my way back. Dr. Briggs, meet me at the patient's house at 11.45 with the spine kit. Dr. Winter, 'phone the family doctors at Lowell and Cambridge, notifying them of the hours of opera- tion. Dr. Winter. Yes, sir. (Hands Dr. Carver a slip of paper.) Here are the names and addresses of the patients and family physicians. Dr. Carver (putting it in his pocket). Very well. Notify the Fall River doctor that we will take out his patient's liver to-morrow. Put the two 34 A Day with the Specialists cases of appendicitis on the waiting list. Dr. Win- ter, you will deliver my lecture ; rehearse the demon- stration beforehand. 'Phone the hospital and re- quest Dr. Egbert to do the five minor operations this morning. Say that I will do the five major ones at five o'clock this afternon. Notify the out- of-town consultants that I cannot see their patients until day after to-morrow. I will see the others here this afternoon between three and five. What have you got there, Dr. Winter.'' Dr. Winter (presenting two X-ray photo- graphs). The interior views of Mr. Bates and Mrs. Jarvis, sir; the two patients you wished to have the X-ray pictures of. Dr. Carver. Ah, yes. (Studying the photos a moment.) I see — very good. (Handing them back.) See that the patients' names are put on them. Dr. Winter, I want to see the stone that I sent you to remove from the kidney in the Salem case, last Wednesday. Have you got it here ? Dr. Winter. I am sorry to say, sir, that there was an unfortunate mistake in that case, — what ap- peared in the picture as a stone in the left kidney, turned out to have been the suspender button on the back of the patient's trousers, so that — Dr. Carver. What!!! (After a moment's re- flection.) Well, of course we are not answerable for the mistakes of a stupid photographer. It only shows that one should always operate one's self in such cases. (Taking out his watch.) Is my car- Scene IV 35 riage ready? {Dr. Winter nods.) I shall be back at 2.15. Good morning, gentlemen. (Exit quickly followed by Dr. Winter, who seizes the spine bag and kit, holding his hat in his teeth and strug- gling to get into his coat.) Curtain. The curtain has been up in front of the office only, thus far. After a moment's pause, the cur- tains of both waiting room and office rise together — an interval until 2.30 o'clock being supposed to have elapsed since the fall of the office room curtain. A sleepy office boy is dozing in a chair in the waiting room; as the curtain rises, Mr. Ellis enters the waiting room carrying large Sarony photo- graph, which he removes from its paper wrapper, and stands on a chair facing the audience; goes to mirror, and looks at his image with evident satis- faction. The office boy wakes up and catching sight of the Sarony picture, shouts Office Boy. Gee whiz! What is it.'' (Bolts toward door, rear, in terror. As he does so, enter Nervous Patient hurriedly and slams door; a chorus of derisive yells from street boys, comes, for a sec- ond, through the open door. Office boy on seeing N. P. is even more terrified, shrieks) Holy grand- mother! (Bolts through side door of waiting room into office.) Nervous Patient (after holding the door for a moment, advances toward front of stage. He is dishevelled, collar limp, an ear trumpet is attached 86 A Day with the Specialists to one ear, he wears a pair of huge specs, has a plaster on the back of his neck, the ends of the eye dropper and the throat spray protrude from two pockets, and the tube of the injection syringe hangs from his coat-tail pocket. As he comes forward, sees the Sarony picture and shies across the stage). Good gracious ! what a dreadful looking creature ! Mr. Ellis (who has been watching him from back of stage). I might return the compliment. Enter Dr. Winter waiting room door, rear. Takes the N. P. for a drug and surgical supplies agent. Dr. Winter. Dr. Carver never buys anything from drummers and agents, so 3'ou need not wait. N. P. I don't know what you mean. I come from Dr. Winter. Oh, yes, I know all that, and just what you have got to say, but we haven't any time to listen to it. N. P. I never have been so treated in my life. I wish to see Dr. Carver Dr. Winter. Well, he won't see you, and you cannot stay here taking up my time any longer. N. P. I shall certainly not go out. Dr. Winter. Oh, that's the sort you are, is it? Ver}"^ well. (Grabs him, by the back of the neck and despite his struggles and vehement expostula- tions, pushes him vigorously through the door. Sound of some one tumbling on stairs outside fol- Scene IV 37 lozvs his exit, also a moment later renewal of yells of street hoys, not so loud as before.) Dr. Winter. Bj Jove! I don't believe that fellow is an agent at all ; he acts much more like a sneak thief. {Seeing Mr. Ellis for the first time). Oh, Mr. Ellis, I beg 3'our pardon, I did not see you. The doctor will be in directly ; come in here a min- ute while you are waiting for him. {Exit waiting room door to third room followed by Ellis carry- ing the picture.) At the same moment enter waiting room door, rear, Joshua and Mirandy. The former advances to front holding the pit of his stomach and making strange choking and swallowing movements. Mirandy pauses a moment at door, and looking hack through it says: Mirandy. Heavens ter Betsey ! I wonder what ailed thet young man thet run inter us on the stairs. 'Pears ter me, he must be sufferin' from an attack of bad manners. {Closes the door and comes down stage; notices Joshua's extraordinary manoeuvres after adjusting her specs and looking at him hard.) Say, Joshuay, what in all get out's the matter with you naouw ? You ac' f er all the world ez though ye hed the pip. Hevyou.'' {Regards him anxiously.) Joshua {after a final expulsive effort, coiighs up a laryngeal mirror into his hand, and looks at it with mingled triumph and disgust). Thar 's jes' ez I thought. I knowed ez haouw thet darned throat doctor thet we jes' come from seein', hed 38 A Day with the Specialists left one of them lookin' glasses of his'n somewhere daouwn in my msides. I dew b'lieve thet 'twould hev got stuck there permanent ef thet young man hedn't hustled inter me so lively as he went aout. MiRANDY. That air specialist throat doctor wus 'baout the mos' keerlessest man I ever did see. {Joshua begins to make more expulsive efforts. In alarm) Sakes alive! Joshuay, ye ain't a-goin* ter tell me thet ye've got any more o' them fixin's daouwn in ye, air ye ? Joshua (m a momentary respite). Wal, I dunno ez I hev, an' I dunno ez I hevn't. I ain't by no means sartin haouw much uv his outfit he might hev left daouwn thar. {Chokes again.) MiKANDY. Joshuay, I b'lieve you's a-doin' thet jes' ter scare me, bean't ye naouw? Joshua. Wal, naouw, Mirandy, I calc'late thet ef you'd been in my place with thet air throat doc- tor man, you'd hev knowed ez thar ain't no call to make b'lieve. (Seized mth a sudden spasm and coughs up the end of an electric lighting instru- ment for the throat.) Say, Mirandy, I'm darned ef I know whar this one cum from. It mus' cost him some to keep hisself in tools ef he's ez free with 'em with the rest uv the folks he takes care on, ez he wus with me. (Pulls a copy of the Boston Globe from his pocket.) Mirandy, I tell ye what 'tis. I've 'baout med up my min' thet ef this doctor here don't dew somethin' better fer me than the rest uv 'em hez I'm goin' ter try some er these here Scene IV 89 ones thet I see advertised in the newspaper tcrday. Naouw, ef you'll look here, ye'll see thet thar's a number on 'em ez 'pears ter have hed considdable success, an' their patients sez so right aout in print tew, so thar can't be no foolin' 'baout it. Naouw, here ye see's — why, they's even got his pictur' inter this paper along o' his letter sayin' ez haouw he got cured up of all his diseases. (Shows the paper to Mirandy, and they consult over it together dur- ing the interval until they are summoned to see Dr. Carver.) Enter Dr. Carver, by office door, rear, throws off hat and coat, takes out watch. Dr. Carver. Umph ! 2.30. Quarter of an hour late. {Goes to side wall, presses button. A slide bearing lunch tray is pushed through the wall. Dr. C. taJces a sandwich and begins to eat it stand- ing up. Bell rings, a second later knock at office door; bell rings again, — office boy puts his head in at office door, rear.) Office Boy. There's three patients and a pic- ture and another — (Stops, and exits.) Dr. Carver. Well, it's evidently a case of no lunch again to-day. (Pushes back tray. Enter two assistants with bags, and a moment later. Dr. Winter by office doors, rear and side respectively.) Ah, you're back, are you, gentlemen.'' Well, Dr. Winter, how did the lecture go.'' Dr. Winter. Well, of course it was not re- ceived as enthusiastically as though you had deliv- 40 A Day with the Specialists ered it, sir. {Dr, C. interpolates. No, of course, of course.) But apart from that, it seemed to me to be satisfactory. Dr. Carver. How did you leave the Cambridge patient, Dr. Briggs? Dr. Briggs. In splendid condition, sir. Dr. Carver. Yes, of course. {Enter office hoy. ) Office Boy. Telegram for you, sir. {Hands it to Dr. Carver, wJio slowly opens while ashing the next question.) Dr. Carver. How about the Lowell case. Dr. Bates.'* Dr. Bates (with some hesitation). The opera- tion was a perfect success, sir. Dr. Carver {reading telegram.) "Lowell, 2.10. Our patient not expected to live. Please advise. J. Doubty, M. D." Most extraordinary, my patients never die. Well, in any case, there is no question about the success of the operation. Dr. Winter. Mr. Ellis is here, sir. Shall I ask him to come in? Dr. Carver. Yes, show him in. {Dr. Winter crosses waiting room and brings in Mr. Ellis.) Ah, Mr. Ellis, you've brought the picture, have you? {Takes it from him.) Capital, capital. {Assistants press forward to look at the picture and patient admiringly. In chorus. Isn't that superb 9 ) Dr. Carver. Well, yes, I think we may say so. Scene IV 41 That's modern surgery, gentlemen, only thirty-two operations to do it, too. (Pins picture on wall.) Well, Dr. Winter, see that the picture and Mr. Ellis are ready for me to show at the next meeting of the Surgical Association. Good afternoon, Mr. Ellis. (Exit Ellis and Dr. Winter, rear; the latter returns a moment later.) Next patient, Dr. Bates. {Dr. Bates goes to waiting room door and beckons to Joshua and Mirandy.) MiRANDY (putting her head through a crack of the waiting room door, and examining the office cautiously). I guess it's safe enough, Joshuay. I don't see none of them air blowin' up machines, or nothin'. (Enters, followed by Joshua.) Be you the surgeon man, Dr. Carver? Dr. Carver. I am. Sit down, please. (Joshua sits with his back to the Sarony picture, and Mi- randy facing it, she becomes lost in contemplation of it. ) You come from Dr. Worthhisword, do you not? Joshua. Yes, we dew, and darned lucky ter git here alive, I think. Dr. Carver (briskly). Well, what's the matter with you? Joshua. Wal, I hed thought some of askin' yer thet, myself. Dr. Carver. I mean, what do you complain of? Mirandy (diverting her eyes from the picture). Wal, naouw, Doctor, though I dew say it, thar ain't no uncomplaininer man in the hull state of 42 A Day with the Specialists Vermaount than my Joshuay. {Returns to study of picture.) Dr. Carver (impatiently). What I want to know is, what are your symptoms? Have you got pain ? If so, where and how much ? Where do you feel bad? In your head, your heels, your stomach, your back, your front, and what does it feel like? Joshua. Wal, ef ye'd said thet, fust off, we'd hev got hitched up some quicker, I guess. Wal, naouw, ez ter pain — MiRANDY (with eyes fixed on picture). Wal, ain't he plain? Joshua (turning and seeing the picture). Wal, he be, some. Looks ter me kinder deskerreged. Wal, he'd look a heap sight better goin' than he would a-comin'. Dr. Carver (has moved over and seated himself opposite Joshua and begun to feel him over with one hand, passes his fingers through Joshua's hair). Hallo ! what's this ? How long have you had these ? Joshua. Hed what? I didn't know ez I hed anythin' pertickler thar. What be they ? Dr. Carver. Why, wens. Wens, sir. Surely you must have known they were there. However, a very simple affair. A matter of five minutes to take them out. Joshua. I wanter know ! Wal, they ain't never troubled me none. Dr. Carver (seizes Joshua hy the back of the neck and turns him round). Well, well. (Beckons Scene IV 43 to his assistants. ) Gentlemen, you will seldom have an opportunity to see a more beautiful example of Adiposa Concretosa than we have here. Feel of it. (Assistants manipulate Joshua's neck freely.) Do you get the convoluted border, Dr. Briggs? Dr. Briggs. Yes, indeed. It is perfectly de- fined. What method would you employ for removal in such a case, Doctor? Dr. Carver. Oh, transfixion. With a good, long, sharp, thin knife ; and then twist and tear it out of its bed with one quick movement of the hand. You must have seen me do it often? Joshua {whose face has been groxcing longer and longer each moment). Say, air you a-talkin' 'baout me? Cos ef yer be, I kin tell yer, right naouw, thet thar ain't a-goin' ter be no twisten things outen their beds an' sich like, not ef Joshuay S. Slocum knows himself. Dr. Carver. Nonsense, nonsense. You cannot judge of these matters properly, and it would be a great pity to go home without having so simple a thing done as this will be. Joshua. Wal, it ain't never troubled me none, ez fur ez I know. Dr. Carver {feeling of Joshua's knee, giving it a sharp grip, causing Joshua to start convulsively in his chair). How long have you had that beauti- ful housemaid's knee on your leg? Mirandy {in high dudgeon). What's thet? Haousemaid's knee on Joshuay's leg? {Rising and 44 A Day with the Specialists advancing threateningly toward the doctor.) I guess not ! There ain't never been no haousemaid's knee onter Joshuay's leg, an' what's more, thar ain't likely ter be s'long ez I'm alive an' keep my health. The idee of any one's sayin' sech things 'baout my Joshuay. Dr. Carver. There, there, Mrs. Slocum. You do not understand. Let me explain. What we call housemaid's knee is an innocent sort of tumor which comes on the knees of people who have to kneel a great deal, as housemaids do in scrubbing floors. MiRANDY (pacified and sitting down again). Wal, I'm glad it's innocent. It suttenly didn't sound so fust off. Dr. Carver. Well, we'll do that the same time with the other things. (Is about to resume his ex- amination, when interrupted by Joshua.) Joshua. I s'pose ye mek a discaount when yer tradin' wholesale, don't ye. Doc? Course I'd like ter trade with yer thet way, thet is, ef yer think my constitootion's rugged 'nuff ter dew it. Dr. Carver. We'll talk about that, Mr. Slocum, later, when I have found out what other things there are to be done. Joshua. Say, Doc, is it your 'peenion thet thar's any pertickler call ter find any more things ter whittle offen me, aoutside what we got ter tend ter, naouw.? P'raps I aint no jedge of sech mat- ters, but it dew look ter me 'sthough, when ye'd got threw with this job of trimmin' and prunin* Scene IV 46 thet ye've laid aout a'reddy, thar wouldn't be more'n 'nufF left ter mek northin' above an average decent fun'ral, an' so I — Dr. Carver. Oh, come, come, Mr. Slocum, there's no question of funerals with such trifling matters as these, but perhaps they are enough for one -da}'. (Turns to Dr. Winter.) Dr. Winter, what is the first free da}^? Dr. Winter. Friday, of next week, sir. Dr. Carver. Very good. We will do Mr. Slocum at ten o'clock Friday morning, then. I'll see the next patient. Dr. Bates. Good day, sir. (Turns his back abruptly on Joshua and Mirandy, goes to his desk and sits down. ) Joshua. Wal, I dunno — ez — (Curtain falls on this sentence.) SCENE V Dr. Duckbill's Office In front of one corner of the stage, while the curtain is still down, is a slide bearing the following announcement : DOCTOR DUCKBILL, SUCCESSOR TO LYDIA PINKHAM. DOCTOR DUCKBILL S GREAT DISCOVERY EGYPTIAN RENOVATOR CURES ALL FEMALE WEAKNESSES CANCERS AND CORNS HEADACHE AND PARALYSIS TOOTHACHE, CONSUMPTION DYSPEPSIA, RHEUMATISM AND BLOOD HUMOURS Before the curtain rises, enter the Nervous Pa- tient. He takes a list from his pocket, compares it with the advertisement on the hoard. Groans, and says : Nervous Patient. Oh, of course. I might have known it. None of my diseases there. What 46 Scene V 47 am I to do? I was not very strong when I began with the doctors, but now I am a wreck. I am sure that it must require a very strong constitution to Hve through the treatment of so many doctors as I have been to. (Exit with tottering step.) Curtain rises, discovering Dr. Duckbill seated in a revolving chair with his feet on his desk. He wears a broad brimmed sombrero and flowing dark locks come to his shoulders. On the wall is a large print of Lydia Pinkham, draped in mourning. An- other colored print of naked aborigines gathering herbs in the forest. Two large jars containing col- ored fluids stand on a shelf, and beside them other smaller jars of dried herbs, etc., etc. Enter Joshua and Mirandy, the former almost dragged through the door by the latter, he being reduced to the consistency of a wet dish cloth by his previous experiences. Before they can be seated. Dr. Duckbill advances impressively to them, and placing his finger solemnly upon Joshua's forehead, goes into a trance and speaks in a dreamy voice. Dr. Duckbill. Yes, it is becoming clear, yes, yes. The liver — the liver — the liver — bile fawcet rusted — badly rusted. Liver warped. Ah — um ! — lungs, spasms — spasms of the lungs, — Hyperboles on the stomach, two of them — yes, and large. Chylo-poetic Hypochondrium sprained, — Cauli- flower com on the left kidney — Ah, yes, yes, that is all. (Comes out of trance. Walks back to his chair with evident signs of exhaustion, slowly re- 48 A Day with the Specialists vives.) Ah, these repeated strains on my cerebro- spinal meningitis. It will end by kilhng me, I know. But — it is in the cause of suffering hu- manity, and I am content. (Turns to scribe.) Read me what was revealed in the trance. {Scribe reads. ) Dr. Duckbill. As you see, sir, your case is not a simple one. Joshua. Wal, thet's 'baout my own idee. Dr. Duckbill. But, sir, there is no need to despair. No ! not so long as I live to help the sufferer, need any one abandon hope. It is my happy mission to cure. Yes, to cure. I can guar- antee that you will not need more than three bottles of my great Egyptian Renovator Number 3, to start you well on the road to health. It is almost magical in its effect. A marvel, sir ! Joshua (interrupting). Dew tell! Haouw 'baout them Hyperboles on my stummick.'' Hev ye got anythin' thet'll cure them n^? Dr. Duckbill. That, my dear sir, is the least difficult part of the whole trouble. Joshua. Is thet so? Dr. Duckbill. The first thing to do Is to flush your main soil pipe — er — er — that is to say — to free the pancreatic duodenal curvatures. Joshua. Wal, haouw be I ter dew thet? Dr. Duckbill. Renovator Number 3, sir. Ren- ovator Number 3. It works miracles. Yes, sir, right here in our day and generation. Scene V 49 Joshua. I wanter know. Dr. Duckbill. Sure ! But I must tell you that in order to have it work to any advantage, your ventilating system has got to be in good shape. {Becomes oblivious of everything in reawakened enthusiasm for his old trade.) And that, too, is just work thrown away, if your supply piping isn't working all right. The fact is, that in a com- plicated case like yours, I am just as sure as that I sit here, that the cheapest thing in the end is to rip out all your old piping and start in fresh. If you don't, your overflow will be getting stopped up from time to time, and you'll be springing a leak. Still, if you don't want to lay out so much money all at once, I could, of course, patch up your water tank and fix your ball valve so that you could go along for a while. And there's nothing in this world that will do that like my late lamented friend, Lydia Pinkham's ovarian tonic. I tell you, sir, that nothing will do for you what that will, and while I speak of it, I cannot too highly recommend it for j'^our lady friend here, for, of course, its spe- cial province is to cure female weaknesses. MiRANDY (who has been listening with growing wrath). I rather think I know somethin' 'baout Joshuay Slocum, an' ef thar's one thing he don't need, it's no ovarian tonic, an' ef ye think I show any pertikler signs of female weaknesses, I guess I'll hev ter persuade ye thet ye're mistaken, an' ef Joshuay is so- sick thet he can't larn ye manners, ^^ A Day with the Specialists wal, I guess I bean't, an' I reckon ez I will . {Ad- vances with bellicose intent.) Joshua (rvJio has risen, removed his coat and specs, folded coat and laid it on a chair, restrains Mirandy, pushes her to one side vnto a chair, and says in a tone of decision). Mirandy, you take yer settin', an' stay thar till I git threw with my argy- rhent with the Doc here. {Beginning to make a series of grotesque and warlike movements in front of the Doctor.) I uster be purty middlin' spry, an' I guess I aint fergot so much but what I kin show any sech Shanghai rooster ez you be, thet yer can't be sassy to Mirandy Slocum. {Continuing pantomime and feinting at the Doctor, who has he- gun to look decidedly alarmed.) B'gosh, I begin ter feel kinder kinky. {Pantomime.) Jerush}'^! darned ef I don't b'lieve I'm 'baout right. {Reaches out with a powerful comprehensive gesture, grabs the Doctor round the neck and hauls him round under his arm into chancery. ) Thet's the way I got Jim Price when he cheated on thet boss trade twenty-five year ago las' June. {Swings the Doc- tor about the room, punching his head.) This beats cowcumbers ! I hain't bed so much fun sence the Fourth of July, 1872. {Casts the Doctor with a final effort into one corner of the room.) Thar, thet's 'baout whar ye b'longs. He looks kinder haouw — come — yer — so, don't he, Mirandy.'' (^5- sumes an erect and vigorous attitude, walks briskly across the stage and resumes his coat and specs; Scene V 51 turning to Mirandy.) Mirandy, I'm feelln' real spruced up. I hain't felt so well fer ten year. I don't b'lieve ther's northin' the matter with me, an' I reckon I could go home right naouw, an' go ter- hoein' pertaters, real peart. Mirandy (with a knowing look and evident sat- isfaction). Joshuay, I'll hev ter allow thet I've took considdable chances in puttin' ye threw all ye've lied ter dew with these here specialists, but I didn't see no other way ter do it, fer it's jes' as Eli- phalet said. Ye'd got yer min' med up ter bein' sick permanent, an' thar warn't northin' much short of a convulsion of nater thet would persuade yer to the contrary, an' thar ain't northin' unless it be arthquakes or deluges maybe, thet I ever hearn tell on, thet is a bigger convulsion of nater than what them specialists be. But ye always was rugged, ef ye'd only tho't so, an' so ye've lived threw 'em, an' we'll go hum this afternoon. But I hev ter tell ye one thing, Joshuay. It's goin' ter be you instead er me thet's doin' the hustlin' fer the nex' ten years, for I've gone out er the business. Joshua. Wal, I'm darned ! Final Curtain DEt One copy del. to Cat. Div. IM- lie 1S10