Olass__± f 
 
 BookJ^M^f 
 
WIT AND WISDOM; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK: 
 
 FORMING A RICH 
 
 BANQUET OF ANECDOTE AND WIT, 
 
 Expressly calculated " to set the table in a roar" 
 BEING, ALSO, 
 
 AN AGREEABLE TRAVELLING COMPANION. 
 
 THE WHOLE ARRANGED 
 
 BY AN EMINENT WIT-CRACKER. 
 
 "J Fellow of infinite Jest." 
 
 
 LONDON : 
 THOMAS ALLMAN, HOLBORN-HILL. 
 
 WILLIAM WALKER, OTLET. 
 
 I ^ 1853. 
 
 ^^WASH\^ 
 
TN fci' 
 
WORD TO THE WISE. 
 
 In offering a publication of this kind to general 
 attention, some explanation may be deemed 
 requisite. We have taken great care that our 
 selection should contain as great a variety of 
 entertainment as possibly could be obtained; by 
 much assiduity "culling the sweets," and re- 
 jecting ail obnoxious weeds. We are well 
 aware, that though 
 
 u It is not in mortals to command success, 9 ' 
 
 We have done more, — 
 
 "Endeavoured to deserve it." 
 
 We have enriched our pages with many ori- 
 ginals, not forgetting the jokes of the day; and 
 have noticed many good things from the mouths 
 of the most celebrated, men of the age. Our 
 wit shall be without ribaldry or licentiousness, 
 keeping in mind, that a man may be (< merry and 
 wise" without being vulgar. 
 
 Jests have been a lasting theme. Cicero loved 
 his jest, and even Cato indulged now and then 
 in a pun. The place of "king's jester" was 
 once as honourable and well paid as that of 
 
"Poet Laureate;" but it died away with the 
 reign of Charles II., who was so consummate a 
 wit himself, that he wanted not the aid of others 
 to keep him in good humour. It is presumed 
 that our book will not only amuse, but instruct 
 its readers ; it having been our care to blend 
 amusement with instruction, as applicable to 
 our title — * Wit and Wisdom." We shall con- 
 clude our remarks with wishing, that every 
 gloomy soul, or peevish-tempered mortal, would 
 read our book : it would enliven many a dull 
 hour, save many an apothecary's bill, and enable 
 them to become pleasant and agreeable com- 
 panions, either "At home or abroad" 
 
 Then laugh and be clever, 
 
 Be joyous and gay : 
 Wit and Wisdom will ever 
 
 Drive sorrow away. 
 
AN APOLOGY FOR A PREFACE. 
 
 A preface is for general use, 
 
 A literary flag of truce ; 
 
 A sort of an ax ant courier, 
 
 To tell what's going to appear ; 
 
 To fill you up with hopes and wishes, 
 
 Of ready-made and season'd dishes : 
 
 And tickle up the public taste 
 
 With things which, else, would go to waste. 
 
 The characters of men, at best, 
 
 Are merely a prolific jest ; 
 
 A thing of shreds, and eke of catches, 
 
 A motley coat, made up of patches; 
 
 A vision, rising with the day, 
 
 A cloud that quickly dies away, 
 
 A dream of night, and false desires, 
 
 That in the waking hour expires. 
 
 Punning has been, in every clime, 
 
 Recorded on the rolls of time. 
 
 I hate the man who never smiles — 
 
 Good humour even pain beguiles, 
 
 And sends Hue devils to that place 
 
 Where live the phantoms of disgrace. 
 
 Dean Swift, whose name will ever last, 
 
 A pun accounted a repast : 
 
 'Twas food to him, he loved it dear, 
 
 And ever was upon the queer. 
 
His life, if taken at the best, 
 
 Was one continued pleasing jest ; 
 
 " Laugh and grow fat" was still his aim, 
 
 And has immortalized his name. 
 
 Here various " quips" and wanton wiles 
 
 Advance to put your face in smiles : 
 
 If Ancients could enjoy a pun, 
 
 The Moderns may exclaim " Well done ! 
 
 Your gay example we will follow, 
 
 And, in goo$ humour, beat you hollow : 
 
 For here you can at will make merry, 
 
 From Ovid down to Brinsley Sherry" 
 
 Go forth, my booJc, and be to me 
 
 A pilot, o'er a stormy sea ; 
 
 Go forth, my booh, make mankind grin: 
 
 When they laugh out, then I am in 
 
 Good Fortune — and I'll never rest, 
 
 Till every man enjoys kisjest 
 
WIT AND WISDOM ; 
 
 WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 Anecdote of Lord D ; or, the Jew outwitted. 
 
 This nobleman, remarkable and well known for 
 his free manner of living, had reduced "his fortune 
 to so low an ebb, that he was on the point of seeing 
 himself in very disagreeable circumstances, but 
 what he had lost by folly, he resolved to repair by 
 4 stratagem. One of his principal creditors was a 
 Jew, one of those commodious cheats, who lend 
 money upon estates, incomes, annuities, &c, and 
 upon him he fixed for retaliation. Accordingly, 
 his lordship took to his bed, caused it to be reported 
 that he was ill past recovery, suffered his beard to 
 grow very long and squalid (which gave Ins face a 
 rueful and sickly appearance), filled his room with 
 physicians, and was making every preparation for 
 dying, when he sent a messenger for the Jew. The 
 Israelite came, and his lordship told him, " That, 
 as he was now irrecoverably dying, and could, at the 
 most, survive but a few days, his conscience urged 
 him to remember his best friends ; that he consi- 
 dered him (the Jew) as one of those, and was now 
 willing to give him a proof of it in preference to his 
 other creditors ; for that he would resign his whole 
 estate to him, and the remainder of all his effects, 
 to be taken possession of at his death, provided he 
 would settle at the rate of £1000 a year upon him 
 
10 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 while he lived, which could not exceed ten days at 
 most, and which would be a mere trifle, in order to 
 pay some necessary expenses." The Jew blessed his 
 lordship's generosity, and took him at his word. 
 The lawyers were not far off, the settlements were 
 immediately made, and the respective deeds signed 
 and sealed, when his lordship jumped out of bed, 
 sound, healthy, and strong, to his own great satis- 
 faction, and to the no small mortification of the 
 Israelite. His lordship, by this stroke, secured to 
 himself a thousand a year while he lived, but, when 
 he died, all went to the Jew. 
 
 A Sleeping Partner, 
 A clodhopper, of the real Sussex breed, under- 
 went a sharp cross-examination by a learned coun- 
 sel on a late trial, in the course of which he was 
 asked, who his sleeping partner in business was? 
 " My sleeping partner?" replied Hodge, scratching 
 his head, and giving his hat which he held by the 
 hand in his other hand another turn, and staring at 
 the same time at the counsellor, as much as to say, 
 "I'se wonder what the devil's coming next — my 
 sleeping partner ? Dang it, I'se no sleeping partner 
 but Mary." The court was convulsed with laugh- 
 ter : when it had somewhat subsided, the counsel 
 resumed, " You say your sleeping partner is Mary, 
 pray who is Mary ?" " Why doesn't thee know 
 Mary V rejoined Hodge, grinning till his fat red 
 cheeks almost closed his eyes, " why she's my wife 
 to be sure." 
 
 Cunning Balcer, or the Wager lost 
 A baker was boasting that he seldom or ever 
 bought any meat for the family on a Sunday, as he 
 generally could take sufficient from his neighbours' 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 11 
 
 joints that came to be baked without their missing 
 it ; and declared that he could take off a rib of beei 
 without being discovered. Mr. Wick, who stood 
 by, betted him one shilling's worth of punch that 
 he could not. The wager being accepted, the 
 tollow-chandler agreed to send him a joint the next 
 day to be baked, and accordingly sent two ribs of 
 beef weighing ten pounds. The baker, without any 
 hesitation, took one rib and sent the other home. 
 The tallow-chandler, as soon as he had dined, ran 
 to the baker, sayiog, "You have lost, for I sent two 
 ribs of beef, and you returned but one." The baker 
 replied, u Well, I confess I have lost," and readily 
 paid the shilling, which he could well afford to do, 
 as he had five pounds of meat and a share of the 
 punch for his shilling. 
 
 Custom-House Anecdote. 
 
 A gentleman, during his stay at Bosra, in Egypt, 
 had purchased a very curious mummy. As the box 
 that contained it was rather too large for his tra- 
 velling post-chaise, being arrived at Auxerre, he 
 sent it by the stage-coach. The latter was searched, 
 according to custom, at the gates of Paris. The 
 wise officers broke open the box, and seeing a body 
 blackened all over, gravely pronounced it to be the 
 remains of a man baked in an oven. The antique 
 bandages came in support of their opinion, as they 
 mistook them for a shirt half burnt ; and, after a 
 proper inquest, the supposed murdered person was 
 sent to the morne, or bone-house, to be owned. 
 
 Some hours after, the owner made his appear- 
 ance to claim his property, which he supposed was 
 detained at the office. On his first requisition, the 
 JVt8€ Men of Gotham, looked at him with a mixture 
 of amazement and horror : seeing him fall into a 
 
12 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 downright passion, one of the officers, more sensible 
 than the rest, approached, and softly whispered in 
 the traveller's ear, that he had better hold his 
 tongue, and save his neck from the halter by a 
 timely flight. 
 
 Unable to guess at the meaning of so unexpected 
 an address, the gentleman retired, half mad with 
 auger and disappointment, and directly applied to 
 the lieutenant of police. After having danced at- 
 tendance for three days, he at last obtained from 
 the grave magistrate a permit, in form, to take away 
 from the bone-house the Egyptian prince or princess, 
 who, after having slept sound for two thousand 
 years within a pyramid, was on the eve of receiving 
 a Christian burial. 
 
 Wooden Peers. 
 It being asked in company with my Lord Ches- 
 terfield, whether the piers of Westminster-bridge 
 would be of stone or wood % K Oh," said my Lord, 
 " of stone, to be sure, for we have too many 
 wooden piers (peers) already at Westminster." 
 
 The Mendiant and Sailor. 
 A fellow, well known in the district, lame, having 
 also but one arm, and dressed in the habit of a sai- 
 lor, was the other day, with much vociferation, 
 begging near Tower-Hill. A tar, who had just 
 come out of a public-house, where he had probably 
 paid his reckoning, and received change for a note, 
 was, as he walked, counting his money with more 
 attention than is usual to persons of his description. 
 While he was thus usefully engaged, the beggar set 
 him, and thrusting his hat before him, exclaimed, 
 " Bless your noble heart, my worthy messmate, 
 spare a few coppers for poor Jack ! stumped in the 
 
THE WORLD'S JE3T-BOOK. 13 
 
 starboard arm ; bis knee-braces shot away ; and 
 turned out of the service without a smart ticket." 
 
 The sailor, still intent upon his calculation, which, 
 indeed, seemed to require the utmost stretch of his 
 arithmetical abilities, threw a shilling into his hat, 
 and was walking away. The lame fellow, flushed 
 with success, limped after him, bawling out, * Bless 
 you, my noble master ! have you no more small 
 change for poor Jack I My bread-room's quite 
 empty, indeed, master." 
 
 u Avast, brother, avast 1" said the sailor, as the 
 beggar was pressing upon him ; don't veer out so 
 much jaw-rope, but sheer off while you are well. 
 If I had given you the ship and cargo, you'd still 
 have begged for the long-boat." 
 
 Delicate Hint. 
 Tom Dibdin, one morning at rehearsal, missed 
 his pocket-handkerchief; he inquired if any one 
 had seen it, and was answered in the negative. 
 n Well," said the punster, " ladies and gentlemen, if 
 any of you do see it, I trust you'll not touch it, for 
 there's a T.D. in the corner of it." 
 
 Good Health. 
 A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the 
 king, what physician and apothecary he made use 
 of to look so well at bis time of life. " Sire," 
 replied the gentleman, "my physician has always 
 been a horse, and my apothecary an ass." 
 
 A Receit for Low Spirits. 
 Take one ounce of the seeds of Resolution, pro- 
 perly mixed with the Oil of Good Conscience, infuse 
 into it a large spoonful of the Salts of Patience, dis- 
 til very carefully a composing plant called Others' 
 
14 WiT j*ND WJSDOM ; OR, 
 
 Woes, which you will find in every part of the 
 Garden of Life, growing under the broad leaves of 
 Disguise, add a small quantity, and it will greatly 
 assist the Salts of Patience in their operations ; 
 gather a handful of the blossoms of Hope, then 
 sweeten them properly with the Balm of Prudence, 
 and if you can get any of the Seeds of True Friend- 
 ship, you will then have the most palatable medi- 
 cine that can be administered. But you must be 
 careful to get some of the Seeds of True Friendship, 
 as there is a weed very much like it, called Self- 
 interest, which will spoil the whole composition. 
 Make the ingredients into pills, which call Pills of 
 Comfort, take one. night and morning, and in a short 
 time a cure will be effected, 
 
 A Sporting Pun. 
 Two sporting gentlemen discoursing about a 
 horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way of 
 apology, observed, " That the cause of it was an ac- 
 cident, his running against a waggon ;" to which 
 the other, who affected not to understand him, 
 archly replied, " Why, what else was he fit to run 
 against V 
 
 A young Wife well matched. 
 
 Samuel Baldwin, a gentleman of Hampshire, had 
 by his will, in the year 1736, ordered that after his 
 decease, his body should be thrown into the sea 
 beyond the Needles, which was accordingly com- 
 plied with. On making inquiry into his motives 
 for this singular disposal of his remains, it was dis- 
 covered that he made it for the purpose of disap- 
 pointing a young wife, who had frequently assured 
 him, by way of consolation, that she would dance 
 upon Ms grave. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 1 
 
 A striking Likeness. 
 
 The late Sir Samuel Hood, who died when com- 
 mander-in-chief on the East India station, had a 
 lieutenant on board, named Roby, supposed to be a 
 natural son of his. One night, when Roby had the 
 watch, a squall of wind split the main-top-sail. Old 
 Hood ran out of his cabin in a passion, and ex- 
 claimed, u It is all your fault, Roby, you are the 
 greatest lubber in the British Navy." " Now," 
 said Roby, " I believe what all the ship's company 
 say to be true." "And what do the ship's company 
 say, sir ?" thundered out the commodore. " Why, 
 that I am the picture of you in every thing." Hood 
 laughed at the sarcasm, and they were better friends 
 than ever. 
 
 A Joint Concern. 
 
 At Worcester, there was an idiot, who was em- 
 ployed at the cathedral there in blowing the organ. 
 A remarkably fine anthem being performed one 
 day, the organ-blower, when all was over, said, " I 
 think we have performed mighty well to-day." 
 " We performed !" answered the organist ; I think 
 it was / performed, or I am much mistaken." 
 Shortly after, another celebrated piece of music was 
 to be played. In the middle of the anthem the or- 
 gan stops all at once. The organist cries out in a 
 passion, " Why don't you blow ?" The fellow on 
 that pops out his head from behind the organ, and 
 says, " Shall it be ice then !" 
 
 Bon- Mot. 
 A person was joked by his friends, because at an 
 advanced age he had married a young woman. The 
 old beau replied, " That he would rather have his 
 heart pierced by a new and shining blade, than by 
 a rusty nail." 
 
16 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The Heroic Wife. 
 
 It was a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who 
 being asked where her husband was, when he lay 
 concealed for having been deeply concerned in a 
 conspiracy, resolutely answered, she had hid him. 
 This confession drew her before the king, who 
 told her, nothing but her discovering where her 
 lord was concealed could save her from the tor- 
 ture. " And will that do ?" says the lady. " Yes," 
 says the king, " I give you my word for it." "Then," 
 says she, " I have hid him in my heart — there 
 you'll find him." Which surprising answer charmed 
 her enemies. 
 
 The Waggoner and Lawyers. 
 
 Two country attorneys overtaking a waggoner on 
 the road, and thinking to be witty upon him, asked, 
 <( Why his fore horse was so fat, and the rest so 
 lean !" The waggoner, knowing them, answered, 
 " That his fore horse was a lawyer, and the rest were 
 his clients" 
 
 Comparative Honesty. 
 
 Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman, in a 
 small town, in a lonely street, and took away his 
 money and coat. He immediately repaired to the 
 captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfor- 
 tune. The captain asked him whether he had on 
 the waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by 
 the soldiers. u Yes, sir," replied the poor fellow. 
 " Then, my friend," rejoined the captain, ** I can 
 assure you they do not belong to my company ; 
 otherwise they would have left you neither waist- 
 coat nor coat. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 17 
 
 The Sailor and the Justice. 
 A sailor, who had been fighting and making a 
 riot, was taken, first into a watch-house, then before 
 a justice, who, after severely reprimanding him, 
 ordered him to find bail. " I have no bail," said 
 Jack. "Then I'll commit you," said the justice. 
 " You will !" said the sailor, " then the Lord send 
 you the rope that stops the wind when the ship's at 
 anchor." " What do you mean by that 2" said the 
 justice ; " I insist on an explanation of that phrase." 
 " Why," said Jack, " it's the hanging rope at the 
 yard-arm. 
 
 Tfte Swearer reclaimed. 
 Three merry companions being met together to 
 spend an evening, after supper they had sat down to 
 play at hazard. One of them had acquired a habit 
 
18 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 of swearing to such a degree that he could hardly 
 forbear it in common conversation, hut if any way 
 provoked would swear immoderately. It happened 
 that luck was against him, and at every throw he 
 lost he cursed and blasphemed in such a shocking 
 manner, that his friends were frightened to hear 
 him, and the more they reprehended him the more 
 he swore. At length having lost all his money, 
 he drew towards the fire, and soon fell fast asleep. 
 The other two, who still continued their play, 
 hearing him snore, contrived an innocent scheme 
 to reclaim him, if possible, from swearing for the 
 future. They put out the candles, and extin- 
 guished the fire, so that there was not a spark of 
 light to be seen, and then pretended to dispute 
 about a throw which they feigned to be doubtful. 
 They made such a noise in their pretended quarrel, 
 that their companion started from his sleep, and 
 seeing no light, asked them how they could play 
 without a candle. " Pshaw,' ' said they, "you are 
 not awake yet," and pretended to play on without 
 regarding him. Just as he was dosing a second 
 time, they feigned another dispute on the cast of a 
 die, and awakened him to decide it. He opened 
 his eyes, and still seeing no light, he said, t( How 
 would you have me judge when there is no light to 
 see by?" "Pughl" said they, "rub your eyes," 
 which he did several times, and wished the devil 
 might have him if he could see the least glimmer- 
 ing. They pretended great astonishment, and se- 
 riously asked him if he was not making fun. He 
 replied, " Let me die if I am." " Give me the can- 
 dle," says one to the other, which he held before 
 his eyes unlighted, and asked him if he saw it. He 
 protested he did not : they seemed wonderfully sur- 
 prised, and told him his eyes to all appearance looked 
 
TUB WOBLD'S JEST-BOOK, 19 
 
 bright and well. The fellow now began to be ter- 
 rified, which his friends perceiving began to improve, 
 u Ah I" says one of them, u it is to be feared that 
 the horrid blasphemies you have this night uttered 
 have brought down this judgment of blindness upon 
 you." The fellow cried and roared bitterly, and 
 prayed for forgiveness of his sins, which his com- 
 panions earnestly recommended to him, and leading 
 him to a bed in the room, took their leave. He 
 sighed, groaned, and prayed the greater part of the 
 night, and at last fell asleep. When in the morning 
 he awoke, about peep of day, he thought his sight 
 was returning by degrees, in consequence of his 
 prayers and vows. This opinion his friends agreed 
 with him in, so that he really thought a miracle had 
 been wrought on him. In short, he left off swear- 
 ing, and led a good and virtuous life. 
 
 Strange Auditor. 
 "An odd circumstance," says Wesley in his Jour- 
 nal, " occurred at Rotherham, during the morning 
 of preaching. It was well only serious people were 
 present. An ass walked gravely in at the gate, 
 came up to the door of the house, lifted up his head, 
 and stood stock still in a posture of deep attention. 
 Might not the dumb beast reprove many, who have 
 far less decency, and not much more understanding?" 
 
 Struggle for precedence at Botany Bay, settled 
 by George Barrington. 
 
 When George Barrington, the celebrated pick- 
 pockety was high constable of Botany Bay, at a 
 grand ball given by Governor Hunter, a dispute 
 arose between two ladies who wished to take prece- 
 dence of *acli other. ■ Ladies," said Barrington, 
 * patience, I will just consult the Newgate Calendar, 
 
20 WIT AND WISDOM J OB, 
 
 and that lady who was first transported shall take 
 the highest place in the room." There was no occa- 
 sion for George to consult his register ; every lady 
 who heard him pressed to the lowest seats, and the 
 upper part of the room was left untenanted. 
 
 Nelson in his cups. 
 
 Nelson once punished an excellent seaman for 
 being tipsy, and told him, " If ever you see me in 
 such a state, I'll not only allow you to get tipsy, but 
 find you in grog to do so." At Palermo, Nelson 
 gave a grand dinner, and was going into his boat 
 more than half seas over. The sailor steered about 
 and reminded him of his punishment, and the pro- 
 mise made to him. Nelson ordered him a gallon 
 of rum, and observed, he would not set up himself 
 for a pattern to be observed in future, as he was as 
 weak as his men, and his faults were less pardon- 
 able. " But," said he, turning to Lady Hamilton, 
 " old English hark if not kept moist is sure to perish 
 with the dry-rot" 
 
 The Garden of Eden, 
 
 A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of 
 Eden was certainly placed in Scotland. " For," 
 said he, " have we not, all within a mile of one ano- 
 ther, ' Adam's Mount? the ' Elysium Fields, 'Para- 
 dise Place,' and the city of ( Eden-burgh,' " 
 
 Br, Burgess and Link-boy. 
 
 A. link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he 
 would have a light ? " No, child," says the doctor, 
 «Iam one of the lights of the world." " I wish, 
 then," replied the boy, " you was hung up at the end 
 of our alley, for we live in a devilish dark one," 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 21 
 
 / takes *em as they come* 
 A cantab, one day observing a raggamujjin- 
 looJcing boy scratching his head at the door of 
 Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was 
 begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, 
 " So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you ?" 
 " Nah, sar" retorted the urchin, " I takes 'em as 
 they come !" 
 
 A Counsellor and Courtezan. 
 When Lucy Cowper was once examined in the 
 court of justice, one of the counsellors asked her 
 if she came there in the character of a modest wo- 
 man ? " No, sir," replied she, " I do not ; that 
 which has been the ruin of me has been the making 
 of you — I mean impudence." 
 
 The Bishop's Dinner. 
 A regiment of horse, in King William's time, 
 being quartered in Canterbury, and the archbishop 
 being then there, he invited all the officers of the 
 regiment to dinner. One of the cornets being obli- 
 ged to keep guard that day, and lamenting the mis- 
 fortune that he could not have the honour to dine 
 with the bishop, bethought himself of this stratagem. 
 He knew that one of his brother cornets was gone 
 out of town, and would not return till evening ; he 
 determined therefore to wait for him at his lodgings, 
 and frighten him by a false message from the 
 bishop. Accordingly, when his comrade arrived, 
 he addressed him thus, " Tom, I believe I shall sur- 
 prise you." "Why," says Tom, " what the devil is 
 the matter?" "No great matter," says his com- 
 rade, " only the bishop has sent for all the officers 
 to hear them their catechism." " The devil he 
 
22 WIT AND WISDOM ; OB, 
 
 has,'* quoth Tom, "then I am ruined horse and 
 foot, for, as I am a sinner, I can't say three lines." 
 " Never be troubled about that," says his comrade, 
 ** I can say mine every word, and if you will mount 
 guard for me to-morrow, I will go in your place." 
 " With all my heart," says Tom, " and thank you 
 to boot." So the next day they all, except Tom, 
 dined with the bishop. His lordship, being a very 
 polite man, told the colonel that he hoped all his 
 officers were there, for he intended it as a general 
 invitation. The colonel told him they were all 
 there except one gentleman, who was obliged to 
 mount guard. The bishop took no notice of it then, 
 but the next day sent his servant to the absent gen- 
 tleman, to desire his company by himself. Tom 
 had no sooner received the message than he ran, 
 frightened out of his senses, to his comrade to make 
 his complaint. " Ah ! my friend," says Tom, t( it 
 is all in vain, I must go at last, the bishop has sent 
 for me." "Never mind it," said his comrade, 
 M you will do very well ; he did not ask us above 
 one question or two." Tom being thus prepared, 
 went to the bishop's, where he was introduced into 
 a parlour. At length his lordship came in. " Sir," 
 says the bishop, " I am sorry I could not have the 
 pleasure of your company yesterday ; may I crave 
 your name ?" " Thomas, my lord," replied the 
 cornet. " What countryman ?" says the bishop. 
 u My godfathers and godmothers," replied the cor- 
 net. Says the bishop, " I do not mean to catechise 
 you ;" and thus the cheat was discovered. 
 
 Anecdote of Sterne, 
 Sterne, so celebrated as the author of Tristram 
 Shandy, and the Sentimental Journey, was of Corn- 
 bridge University ; no strict priest, but, as a cler- 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. £3 
 
 gyman, not likely to hear with indifference his 
 whole fraternity treated contemptuously. Being 
 one day in a coffee-house, he observed a spruce 
 powdered young fellow by the fire-side, who was 
 speaking of the clergy, in a mass, as a body of 
 disciplined impostors and systematic hypocrites. 
 Sterne got up while the young man was haranguing, 
 and approached towards the fire, patting and coax- 
 ing all the way a favourite little dog. Coming at 
 length towards the gentleman, he took up the dog, 
 still continued to pat him, and addressed the 
 young fellow, "Sir, this would be the prettiest 
 little animal in the world, had he not one disor- 
 der !" "What disorder is that?" replied the 
 young fellow. "Why, sir," said Sterne, "one 
 that always makes him bark when he sees a gen- 
 tleman in black." " That is a singular disorder," 
 replied the young fellow ; " pray, how long has he 
 had it?" "Sir," replied Sterne, looking at him 
 with affected gentleness, "ever since he was a 
 puppy !", 
 
 A Tailor's sagacity, 
 
 C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a 
 pair of small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a 
 pattern. When the new ones came home, Charles 
 complained that there was no fob. " I didn't think 
 you wanted one," said Snip, " since I found the du- 
 plicate of your watch in your old pockets." 
 
 Gallant Bon-Mot. 
 
 A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman 
 which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or 
 tulips ? he replied, with great gallantry, " Your 
 ladyship's two Ups before aU the roses in the world.* 
 
24 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A Reply in a proper place. 
 Two persons of a satiric turn, met a neighbour, 
 and said, " Friend, we have been disputing whether 
 you are more fool or rogue." The man took each 
 of the querists by the arm, and walking in the mid- 
 dle, after some hesitation, replied, " Why, faith, I 
 believe I am between both." 
 
 Letting the Cat out of the Bag. 
 
 Baron, the French actor, was a great favourite 
 of the ladies. A woman of high rank used to re- 
 ceive the visits of Baron very privately. One day 
 Baron, uninvited, came into her drawing-room, full 
 of company of the highest fashion and rank, " Ba- 
 ron," said the lady, haughtily and angrily, "what 
 do you come for !" " For my night-cap, madam," 
 replied the indignant Baron, in a bold voice. 
 
 The Ghost. 
 
 A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and 
 told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a 
 ghost. " When and where ?" said the pastor. 
 " Last night," replied the timid man, " I was passing 
 by the church, and up against the wall of it did 
 I behold the spectre." " In what shape did it ap- 
 pear ?" said the priest. " It appeared to be the 
 shape of a great ass." " Go home and hold your 
 tongue about it," rejoined the pastor, "you are a 
 very timid man, and have been frightened by your 
 own shadow." 
 
 Gallant Bon-Mot. 
 
 The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical com- 
 pliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking 
 of a lady's black eyes, says, " They were in mourn- 
 ing for the murders the3 r had committed," 
 
the world's jest-book. 25 
 
 Confession. 
 Sauteuil having a confessional dress on to say 
 vespers, a lady, who took him for a confessor, threw 
 herself upon her knees and recounted all her sins. 
 The poet muttered something to himself, and the 
 penitent, thinking he was reproaching her for her 
 wickedness, hastened the conclusion of her confes- 
 sion. She then asked him for absolution. " What, 
 do you take me for a priest !" said Sauteuil. "Why 
 then," said the lady, quite alarmed, " did you listen 
 to me I" " And why," replied Sauteuil, " did you 
 speak to me ?" " I'll this instant complain of you 
 to your prior," said the enraged female. " And J," 
 said the poet, " am going to your husband, to give 
 him a full account of your conduct." 
 
 House of Correction. 
 A justice of the peace, who was possessed with 
 the itch of scribbling, and had written a book which 
 he meant to publish, sent it to Ben Jonson for his 
 opinion, who, finding it full of absurdities, returned 
 it, with his compliments, and desired his worship 
 would send it to the house of correction. 
 
 A Motto. 
 Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, 
 asked Foote for a motto. " There is one from 
 Hamlet," said the wit, " that will match you to a 
 button-hole, ' List, list ! oh list !' " 
 
 Parliamentary Penitence. 
 A gentleman, some years ago, being obliged to 
 ask pardon of the House of Commons upon his 
 knees, when he rose up, brushed the knees of his 
 breeches, saying, " I never was in so dirty a house 
 iu nu life " 
 
26 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A Cure for a Cold. 
 
 Mr. Loutherborough, the famous scene painter, 
 had a fancy that he could cure all diseases, and ac- 
 cordingly prescribed liberally for his friends and 
 others willing to fall under his hands. A person of 
 great faith applied to him for a cure of a very bad 
 cold, and Loutherborough's advice was, " Doo you 
 see, sare, can you like to drink bran-tea ?" 
 
 " Brandy" replied the patient, nothing loth to 
 find so palatable a medicine hinted, as he imagined, 
 * Certainly, I have no objection to it whatever." 
 " Vy, then/' said Loutherborough, " bran-tea is the 
 very ting for you. Take tree, four — ees, four — 
 cups of it as hot as you can soop ; good big tea-cups, 
 just after breakfast. " 
 
 " What, sir," asked the patient, rather amazed, 
 " without water ?" " Vidout vater," said Louther- 
 borough, " vat do you mean t No more vater than 
 is in the bran-tea itself ven made. Take it as you 
 get it. Take four large, ver large, cups between 
 breakfast and dinner, and ven you find a change for 
 better or vorse come to me." The faith of the pa- 
 tient was great and so was his swallow ; for five 
 days he stuck to what he thought was the prescrip- 
 tion of the painter ; was of course drunk all day, 
 and at the conclusion of his exertions, in this way 
 he came to Loutherborough, full of gratitude for 
 his advice. " I am quite cured, Mr. Loutherbo- 
 rough," said he, " I never imagined that brandy 
 was so complete a cure, I. feel quite obliged." " 0, 
 yes," said Loutherborough, " I was sure it would 
 cure you, you felt quite cool all the time you was 
 taking it." " Cool," said the patient, " no, not ex- 
 actly cool, I was rather hot. Zounds ! no man can 
 drink a quart of spirits in the forenoon and keep 
 <jooL" 
 
the world's jest-boox. 27 
 
 " Spirits !" said Loutherborough, rather asto- 
 nished, "vy, there is no spirits in tea made of 
 bran." 
 
 " Tea made of bran /" said his amazed friend, 
 " it was hot brandy I drank." An explanation of 
 course followed : the gentleman, however, was cured. 
 
 Bon-Mot of Whiston the Philosopher, 
 George the Second, who was fond of this learned 
 man, one day, during Whiston's persecution, said to 
 him, that however right he might be in his opinions, 
 he had better suppress them. u Had Martin Lu- 
 ther done so," replied the philosopher, "your 
 majesty would not have been on the throne Oi 
 England." 
 
 Deuce and Tray. 
 Charlotte Smith was walking along Piccadilly a 
 few days ago, when the tray of a butcher's boy 
 came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and 
 dirtied her dress. " The deuce take the tray," ex- 
 claimed she, in a pet. "Ah! but the deuce canH 
 take the tray" replied young rump-steak, with the 
 greatest gravity. 
 
 The Munificent Saint, 
 A devout lady offered up a prayer to St. Igna- 
 tius for the conversion of her husband : a few days 
 after the man died. "What a good saint is our 
 Ignatius !" exclaimed the consolable widow, " he 
 bestows on us more benefits than we ask for." 
 
 Dinner-time. 
 A person asked a Grecian philosopher what he 
 thought was the proper time to dine ? " Sir," says 
 the ancient, " the proper time of dinner with the 
 opulent, is when they choose ; with the poor man, 
 when he can." 
 
28 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Theatrical Anecdote. 
 
 In 1720, Charles Molloy, Esq., wrote a farce, 
 called The Half-pay Officers. It was brought out 
 at Drury-lane Theatre, and to Mrs. Fryer, who 
 had quitted the stage in the reign of King Charles 
 the Second, was assigned the part of an old grand- 
 mother. In the play-bills was mentioned, the cha- 
 racter of Lady Richlove to be performed by Peg 
 Fryer, who has not appeared upon any stage these 
 fifty years, which, as might be expected, drew a 
 very crouded house. This character in the farce 
 was supposed to be a very old woman, and Peg ex- 
 erted her utmost abilities ; and the farce being 
 ended, she came again upon the stage to dance a 
 jig at the age of eighty-five ; she came tottering 
 in, and at first seemed much fatigued, but all of 
 a sudden the music striking up " The Irish Trot," 
 she danced and footed it almost as nimbly as any 
 wench of five-and-twenty, which performance was 
 received with an universal roar of applause. Mrs. 
 Fryer afterwards kept a public-house in Totten- 
 ham-court, and lived in full health till November 
 1747, when she died at the age of 112 years. 
 
 Whimsical Dialogue between an Irish Innkeeper 
 and an Englishman. 
 
 Englishman. Holloa, house ! 
 
 Innkeeper. I don't know any one of that name. 
 
 Eng. Are you the master of the Inn ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir, please your honour, when my 
 wife's from home. 
 
 Eng. Have you a bill of fare ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir, the fairs of Mollingar and Balli- 
 naslee are next week. 
 
 Eng. I see — how are your beds \ 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 25 
 
 Inn. Very well, I thank you, sir. 
 
 Eng. Have you any mountain ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir, this country is full of mountains. 
 
 Eng. I mean a kind of wine. 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir, all kinds; from Irish white wine 
 (butter-milk) to Burgundy. 
 
 Eng. Have you any porter ? 
 
 Inn. Yes, sir, Pat is an excellent porter ; he'll go 
 any where. 
 
 Eng. No, I mean porter to drink. 
 
 Inn. Oh, sir, he'll drink the ocean — never fear 
 him for that. 
 
 Eng. Have you any fish ? 
 
 Inn. They call me an odd fish. 
 
 Eng. I think so ! I hope you are not a shark ! 
 
 Inn. No, sir, indeed I'm not a lawyer. 
 
 Eng. have you any soals ? 
 
 Inn. For your boots or shoes, sir ? 
 
 Eng. Pshaw ! have you any plaice ? 
 
 Inn. No, sir, but I was promised one if I would 
 vote for Mr. B. 
 
 Eng. Have you any wild fowl ? 
 
 Inn. They are tame enough now, for they have 
 been killed this three days. 
 
 Eng. I must see myself. 
 
 Inn. And welcome, sir. 
 
 The Coachman's Hobby, or a Journey from the 
 King's Bench to Westminster Hall. 
 
 Some years since, when the celebrated Dibdin 
 was spending a few months in a certain strong 
 house in St. George's-field, he had (by a day rule) to 
 atttnd some law business at Westminster Hall. 
 A coach was called to the lobby door for his ac- 
 commodation ; and as it happened that a man was 
 going to be hanged at the Old Bailey, the coach- 
 
SO WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 man took it for granted that Dibdin was going to 
 the execution ; so, without saying a word, mounted 
 the box, and was driving off. Dibdin pulled the 
 string, " Where are you going to, sir ?" " Why," 
 replied he, " to see the man hanged, to be sure." 
 " The man hanged ? you rascal, drive me to West- 
 minster Hall." " Lord, sir, you'd better go and see 
 the man turned off first ; I wouldn't have taken you 
 up had I have thought otherwise." "Drive to 
 Westminster, you scoundrel." The coachman 
 drove off full tilt, and Dibdin was perusing his pa- 
 pers, when, on a sudden, he found the coach scarce- 
 ly moved ; he looked out, and saw himself in the 
 midst of a thousand carts, coaches, horsemen, &c, 
 without a possibility of his turning about in the 
 ranks ; and thus he stately moved on (against his in- 
 clination) to see the man hanged ; after which the 
 coachman drove off to Westminster Hall. Dibdin 
 alighted. "Well, you scoundrel, I'll punish you 
 for this job; what's your fare, sir?" "Nothing, 
 your honour, only a shilling for the sight, if you 
 please, that's all." "I'll make you pay for the 
 sight before I've done with you." " Wery veil, sir, 
 I can't help it — dash my buttons. I never misses 
 a hanging- day — cause vy — I thinks as how it's a 
 duty von owes a fellow-creature that's going to be 
 twisted. Let me ax you, sir, how vou'd you like it 
 if you vas going to be hanged and nobody vas to 
 come to see you, eh ?" 
 
 Giving Warning, 
 A gentleman who did not live very happy with 
 his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going 
 to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding 
 her from morning till night — " Happy girl !" said 
 the master, " I wish I could give warning too." 
 
the world's jest-book. 31 
 
 Passing Sentence. 
 
 A fellow in Dublin had once committed some 
 trifling offence, for which the judge pronounced the 
 following sentence : — 
 
 Judge. " The sentence of the court is, that you 
 shall be flogged from the Bank to the Quay." 
 
 Prisoner (hastily interrupting the Judge), 
 " Thank you, my lord, you have done your worst." 
 
 Judge. " No j and back again." 
 
 A good Face on a bad Business. 
 
 Dodd, the actor, who was a small man, and of a 
 passive temper, had offended a brother comedian, 
 who was a tall, powerful man of six feet, and who 
 had, in consequence, declared that he would beat 
 Dodd whenever he met him. Some time after ill 
 fortune threw them together at the corner of 
 Charles-street, where, as good as his promise, the 
 big man gave Dodd such a confounded smack on 
 the face as almost levelled him with the ground. 
 Dodd recovering, said, u Damme, sir, what's that 
 
 1 for — do you mean that in jest or earnest ?" " In 
 earnest," replied the other, placing himself in a 
 boxing attitude. "Oh, very well," said Dodd, 
 " if it's in earnest ; but I should not have liked such 
 
 ' a jest at all," and walked off. 
 
 A Bon-Mot of Quin. 
 
 In a summer, when the month of July was ex- 
 1 tremely wet and cold, some person asked Quin 
 I whether he ever remembered such a summer I 
 | "Yes," replied the wag, very seriouslv, "last win- 
 • ter." 
 
82 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Gouty Shoes. 
 
 A fellow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes ; 
 his servant not finding them began to curse the 
 thief. " Never mind," said his lordship, * all the 
 harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may Jit 
 him / 
 
 Respect to Strangers. 
 
 Dr. Leonard Howard, formerly the vicar of Saint 
 George's, Southwark, was a very facetious man, but 
 rather improvident. Being one day collecting a 
 brief with the parish officers, he called, amongst the 
 rest of the inhabitants, on a grocer with whom he 
 had a running account, and to prevent being first 
 asked for a settlement, he inquired if he was not 
 somewhat in his debt. On referring to the book, 
 there appeared to be seventeen shillings due to the 
 grocer. The doctor, putting his hand into his 
 pocket, took out some silver and a guinea ; on which 
 Mr. Fig, eyeing the latter with some degree of sur- 
 prise, exclaimed, " Why doctor, you seem to have 
 got a stranger there." Indeed, I have, Air. Fig," 
 replied the wit ; and returning it again very deli- 
 berately into his pocket, i( I think, before we part, 
 it may be as well that we should be better ac- 
 quainted." 
 
 Hobson's Choice. 
 
 fi Gentlemen and ladies," said the facetious Beau 
 Nash, the then master of the ceremonies for Bath, 
 introducing a most lovely woman into the ball-room, 
 "this is Mrs. Hobson. 1 have often heard of 
 Hobson's choice, but never had the pleasure to view 
 it till now, and you must coincide with me that it 
 reflects credit on his taste." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 S3 
 
 Tfie Wake ; or, Teddy (yRajjerty's Last Appearance. 
 
 'Twas at Teddy O'Rafferty's wake, 
 Just to comfort ould Judy, his wile, 
 The lads of the hod had a 1 rake, 
 And kept the thing up to the life. 
 There was Father O'Donahoo, Mr. Delany, 
 *Pat Murphy, the docter, that rebel O'Simney, 
 Young Terence, note little knight o' the hod, 
 And that great dust O'Sullivan just out of quod; 
 Then Florence, the piper, no music is riper, 
 To ajl the sweet creatures, with emerald fatures, 
 Who came to drink health to the dead. 
 Not Bryan Baroo had a louder shaloo 
 When he gave up his breath to that tithe hunter, 
 
 death, 
 Than the howl over Teddy's cowld head : 
 
34 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR. 
 
 5 Twas enough to have rais'd up a saint, 
 All the darlings with whisky so faint, 
 And the lads full of fight, had a glorious night, 
 When ould Teddy was wak'd in his shed. 
 
 Magistrate and the Ass. 
 
 Henry IV. of France passing through a small 
 town, perceived the congregation assembled to con- 
 gratulate him on his arrival. Just as the principal 
 magistrate had commenced a tedious oration, an ass 
 began to bray ; on which the king, turning towards 
 the place where the noisy animal was, said gravely, 
 " Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please." 
 
 Capacity ; or, the Misconception. 
 
 A common-councilman's lady paying her daugh- 
 ter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress 
 she had made in her education, the governess an- 
 swered, " Pretty good, madam, Miss is very atten- 
 tive ; if she wants any thing it is a capacity : but 
 for that deficiency you know we must not blame her." 
 " No, madam," replied the mother, " but I blame 
 you for not having mentioned it before. Her father, 
 thank God, can afford his daughter a capacity; 
 and I beg she may have one immediately, cost 
 what it may." 
 
 A curious Calculation. 
 
 The difference of rising every morning at six and 
 at eight, in the course of forty years amounts to 
 29,000 hours, or three years, one hundred and 
 twenty-six days, six hours ; so that it is just the 
 same as if ten years of life were to be added, of 
 which we might command eight hours every day 
 for the cultivation of our minds, or the dispatch of 
 business. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 Scotch Economy. 
 
 A highlander, who sold brooms, went into a bar- 
 ber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber 
 bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved 
 him, asked the price of it. " Tippence," said the 
 highlander. " No, no," says the shaver, " I'll give 
 you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you take 
 your broom again." The highlander took it, and 
 asked what he had to pay. "A penny," says 
 Strap. " I'll gie ye a baubee," says Duncan, " and 
 if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again." 
 
 Grave Subjects. 
 
 A lady asking a gentleman how it was most me- 
 dical men dressed in black, he replied, " The 
 meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occu- 
 pied in preparing grave subjects." 
 
 English Love-Letters. 
 
 The French ridicule, and not without reason, the 
 absurdity and want of gallantry apparent in En- 
 glish love epistles. We quote two instances ; one of 
 rather ancient bearing, the other of modern date. 
 A royal duke long since in addressing a countess, 
 whose regard for him cost her nothing less than ho- 
 nour, run on in a style of rhapsody as to her 
 beauty, &c, but ended with the following curious 
 postscript, "Mutton fell a penny a pound yesterday." 
 And Colonel Berkeley, reminding Miss Foot of the 
 various instances he had given her of his love, 
 gays, " Have I not kept my horses waiting for hours 
 in the cold, while I was attending you at the 
 theatre ! w 
 
00 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Twelve Golden Mules for Women Cooks. 
 
 To be hung up over every kitchen chimney in tho 
 kingdom. 
 
 First. — Never get drunk until the last dish be 
 served up. 
 
 Second. — Never be saucy, unless you happen to 
 be in your airs, and can't help it ; but then take 
 care to have the last word. 
 
 Third. — Never be sulky, unless you have a great 
 dinner to dress ; your mistress then will be sure to 
 coax you. 
 
 Fourth. — Never spoil a joint, unless you have 
 been unjustly found fault with (which must be the 
 fact if you have been accused at all), in which case, 
 if complaint be made of its having been underdone, 
 you may next time roast it to a cinder : and if that 
 should not give satisfaction, you may the following 
 day send it up raw. 
 
 Fifth. — Never get dinner ready at the time it is 
 ordered, unless you know that the family are not 
 ready for it ; in which case send it up to a moment ; 
 if it be cold and spoiled that you know will not be 
 your fault. 
 
 Sixth.— Never admit that you o/re in the wrong, 
 unless the devil will have it that you can't help it. 
 If you should transgress your orders, stand stoutly 
 to it that they were such as you have followed ; and 
 if you hav'n't brass enough for that, say you thought 
 they were. 
 
 Seventh. — Never take snuff, unless when you are 
 mixing a stew, or stirring the soup, nor ever ex- 
 amine the latter without holding a lighted tallow 
 candle obliquely over the pot ; if it should not ena- 
 ble you to see quite to the bottom, what drops from \ 
 it will at least enrich the contents ; and, when you 
 
thb world's jest-book. $7 
 
 taste it, be sure to throw back what remains in your 
 spoon. 
 
 Eighth. — Never wash your hands until after you 
 have made the pie ; you must do it then, and to do 
 it sooner is only wasting time and soap. 
 
 Ninth. — Never give warning to quit your place 
 until you are quite sure it will put the family to the 
 greatest inconvenience, and then be off to a moment ; 
 say "your father's dead, or your mother's dying, 
 and you can't stay if it was ever so." If warning 
 be given to you, from that moment you may spoil 
 every thing that comes under your hands. 
 
 Tenth. — Never tell tales of the family you are 
 with, unless they should be to their disadvantage ; 
 nor ever speak well of your last mistress, unless it 
 be to contrast her with the present. 
 
 Eleventh. — Never cheat, unless you can do it 
 without being discovered ; but if you don't yourself 
 cheat, never prevent others ; " your master can af- 
 ford it;" "service is no inheritance," and "poor 
 servants and tradesfolks must live." 
 
 Twelfth. — Never tell a lie when you can get as 
 much by telling the truth ; nor ever tell the truth 
 when you can get more by telling a lie. 
 
 Thirteenth. — Never support a sweetheart out oj 
 the house, unless you cannot get one in. 
 
 P.S — Lest any fastidious critic, unlearned in the 
 mysteries of the kitchen, should betray his igno- 
 rance by commenting on the number of our rules, 
 let it be understood that, as at Newmarket, pounds 
 once meant guineas, so cooks ever count by the 
 baker's dozen. 
 
88 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A clever Thief. 
 
 A leader of a noted band of thieves who infested 
 some of the villages and public fairs in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Glasgow, had a custom of waiting in 
 some garret, or private place, contiguous to the 
 bustle, and when his light-fingered troops (dispen- 
 sing with the usual tedious formalities of bargain 
 and barter) had made a transfer of property in their 
 favour, they repaired to the resort of their captain, 
 and deposited their booty. 
 
 On a fair-day at Kirkintolloch, the troops being 
 rather unsuccessful, the captain wearying, sallied 
 out himself, and observing a customer weaver with 
 a wallet on his back, containing a web, a small part 
 of the end of which was hanging out of the wallet, 
 the captain placed himself close up to the back of 
 the weaver, and, with a needle and thread, quietly 
 and firmly sewed the end of the web to the tail of 
 his own coat, then made his way through the crowd, 
 pulling the web after him. The weaver feeling 
 that he was relieved of his burden, hastily turning 
 round, and observing the latter end of his web pass- 
 ing from his view with considerable celerity, fol- 
 lowed, and found the captain with the web. under 
 his arm, and accused him of stealing it. The arch 
 rogue coolly replied, " Have you really lost your 
 web ? Hut man, had you only been as cautious as 
 I was, you would not have lost your web. See," 
 continued he, turning up the tail of his coat, " I 
 sewed mine firmly to my coat tail." The weaver 
 seemed satisfied, and the rogue carried off the 
 booty. 
 
 The satisfactory Reply. 
 
 A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of 
 Bristol unemployed, inquired the reason, " I can't 
 ery to-day, sir, as my wife is just dead." 
 
the world's jest-book. 39 
 
 Curious Epitaph. 
 
 Here cool the ashes of 
 
 MULCIBER GRIM, 
 
 late of this parish, 
 
 blacksmith. 
 
 He was born in Seacoal-l&ne, 
 
 and bred at Hammersmith ; 
 
 From his youth upwards, he was much addicted 
 
 to vices, 
 
 and was often guilty of forgery ; 
 
 having some talents for irony, 
 
 he thereby produced many heats in his 
 
 neighbourhood, 
 
 which he usually increased by blowing up the coals. 
 
 This rendered him so unpopular, that 
 
 when he found it necessary to adopt cooling 
 
 measures, 
 
 his conduct was generally accompanied with a hiss. 
 
 Though he sometimes proved a warm friend, 
 
 yet, where his interest was concerned, 
 
 he made it a constant rule to strike while the iron 
 
 was hot, 
 
 regardless of the injury he might do thereby ; 
 
 and when he had any matter of moment upon the 
 
 anvil, 
 
 he seldom failed to turn it to his own advantage. 
 
 Among numberless instances that might be given 
 
 of the cruelty of his disposition, 
 
 it need only be mentioned that he was the means 
 
 of hanging many of the innocent family 
 
 of the Bells, 
 
 under the pretence of keeping them from 
 
 jangling ; 
 
 and put great numbers of the Hearts of Steel into 
 
 the hottest Jlames* 
 
40 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 merely (as he declared) to soften the obduracy 
 of their tempers. 
 At length, after passing a long life in the commis- 
 sion of these black actions, 
 his fire being exhausted, and his bellows worn out, 
 
 he filed off to that place where only 
 
 the fervid ordeal of his own forge can be exceeded, 
 
 declaring with the last puff, 
 
 that "man is bom to trouble as the sparks 
 
 fly upwards !" 
 
 Harness for a Mare. 
 
 A " gentleman," residing in a borough-town some 
 distance from the metropolis, was a short time since 
 elected Mayor, and wishing to out-shine in splen- 
 dour the whole of his predecessors, wrote to a friend 
 in London, stating the honour conferred upon him 
 in being made a mare of, and requesting him to 
 send such equipment as he considered suitably be- 
 coming his new station. The order was conse- 
 quently executed, and when the glorifying, inci- 
 pient magistrate opened the box, what was his as- 
 tonishment to find a complete suit of — harness I 
 
 Matrimonial Punishment. 
 
 A terrible species of punishment was suggested 
 in the case of a man who bad four wives ! namely, 
 to confine him with them all, a worthy gentleman 
 thought the punishment too severe, and recom- 
 mended hanging, or transportation for life. 
 
 Irish News. 
 
 The Dublin Evening Post lately gave a long ac- 
 count of an attack upon a farm-house by a gang of 
 villains, which, it concludes by stating, is entirely 
 unfounded ! 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 41 
 
 The Yorkshireman. 
 
 A gentleman being at an inn, and seeing the 
 ostler expert about the horses, asked him what 
 countryman he was. "I'se Yorkshire," said the 
 fellow. " And how long have you lived here V 9 
 " Sixteen years.'* " I wonder that in all that time 
 so clever a fellow as you had not made enough to 
 set up an inn yourself !" " Ay, sir, but master's 
 Yorkshire too." 
 
 Chinese Jed. 
 
 A woman, surprised by her husband, had just 
 time to hide her gallant in a sack, and set him up 
 against the wall. The man coming in asks, " What 
 is there in this sack ?" The woman was confused 
 and hesitated a moment for an answer. The gal- 
 lant, afraid she would blunder, calls out from the 
 inside of the sack, " Nothing but rice." 
 
 The Tailor's Clock. 
 
 A gentleman, popping his head through a tai- 
 lor's working shop-window, exclaimed, " What 
 o'clock is it V 9 Upon which the tailor lifted his 
 lap-board, and struck him a blow on the head, an- 
 swering, "It has just now struck one. 
 
 A Simile. 
 
 Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who 
 has not any thing to boast of but his illustrious an- 
 cestors is like a potatoe — the only good belonging 
 to him is under ground. 
 
 The Decisive Test. 
 When death puts out our flam*, the snuff will tell 
 Whether we were wax or tallow by the smell. 
 
42 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The Comforts of an Inn, 
 
 A gentleman, whose veracity may be depended 
 on, slept, or rather should have slept, at the York 
 Hotel, in the city of York, one morning in the \ 
 month of May, 1822. Having been engaged with 
 a party of friends, he did not retire till midnight ; 
 an hour which, in that place, is not considered un- 
 timely. Having taken his place by the Highflier 
 Sheffield coach, which left York at half-past eight 
 the next morning, he gave express orders to be 
 called at half-past seven. Having no dread of evil 
 spirits, he straightway composed himself ; but his 
 rest was of short duration, for, at one o'clock he was 
 roused by a knocking at the door. " Who's there ?" 
 says the sleepy traveller. " Pray, sir, don't you go 
 by the mail 2" " No, I go by the Highflier." "Beg 
 your pardon, sir, it's another gentleman." This 
 unwelcome visitor robbed him of his next half- 
 hour's repose ; but after many twistings and twin* 
 ings he slumbered again. Scarcely had Morpheus 
 taken him into his service ere a second voice saluted 
 his ear. " Two o'clock, sir, the Express will be off 
 in half an hour." " What have I to do with the 
 Express ? I wish you would express yourself else- 
 where." * Laws, sir, why I was towd as how you 
 went by the Express." " I told your master I was 
 to go by the Highflier, and I hope I shall hear no 
 more of you till half-past seven." " I ax your par- 
 don, sir." Again he tumbled and tossed, and again 
 he became subject to the son of Erebus ; but like 
 poor Monsieur Tonson, he was doomed to be 
 haunted. At half-past three, he heard a loud thun- 
 dering at the door, "Sir, I've brong your boots, 
 you mun be up in a moment, the coach is at the 
 door." Out bounced the astonished guest, and 
 
the world's jest-book. 43 
 
 quickly rejoined, "Why did you not speak before ? 
 I have had trouble enough with one or the other of 
 you. Why did your master say that the coach went 
 at half-past eight ?" " Bless me, sir, is it you as 
 goes by the Highflier ? they towd me as how you 
 went by the Nelson. Beg your pardon, sir, I'm 
 sure." In auy place but York this would have been 
 the last customer, but the fates conspired. At five 
 he hears another knocking, and his patience being 
 exhausted, he exclaims, " What the devil do you 
 want V A faltering female replies, " Don't you go 
 by the Highflier, sir ?" " To be sure I do." "Well, 
 sir, I'll be sure to call you at half past seven." 
 Half-past seven arrived, and the gentleman made 
 his appearance amidst a numerous assemblage of 
 menials, ^11 laden with petitions and apologies. 
 " Please to remember the porter, sir." * Please to 
 remember the waiter, sir." " Remember boots, 
 sir." " Remember me, sir, if you please ; I'm the 
 chamber-maid, I called you, sir." Omnes, " I beg 
 pardon, sir, for disturbing you." " Yes, I'll pardon 
 and remember you too when I am many miles 
 hence." " But don't you mean to gee us nothing, 
 sir !" u Yes, I do mean to give you nothing ; and 
 I'll remember you all as long as I live, you may 
 rely upon it." 
 
 Why is a Woman of Fashion like the Moon? 
 
 Because Madam Luna rises when her husband 
 (the Sun) goes to bed ; and goes to bed when her 
 husband rises. She never looks so beautiful as 
 when she shines in full opposition to him. She also 
 makes horns appear sometimes in the vapours, 
 sometimes cloudy, sometimes serene, but, above all 9 
 she is ever chavgwg. 
 
44 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 The Harlequin and the Bailiff. 
 
 Philips, the noted harlequin, was taken up in 
 London for suspicion of debt, and dealt with the ho- 
 nest bailiff in the following manner. He first called 
 for liquor in abundance, and treated all about him, 
 to the no small joy of the officer, who rejoiced in 
 having a calf that would bleed so well (as they term 
 it). Harlequin made the honest bailiff believe that 
 he had six dozen of wine ready packed up, which 
 he would send for to drink while in custody, and 
 likewise allow sixpence a bottle for drinking it in 
 his own chamber. Shoulder-dab listened to the pro- 
 posal with pleasure. The bailiff went to the place, 
 as directed, and returned with joy to hear that it 
 should be sent in the morning early. Accordingly, 
 it came by a porter, sweating under his load ; the 
 turnkey called to his master, and told him the por- 
 ter and hamper were come in : " Very well," says 
 he, "then let nothing but the porter and hamper 
 out." The porter performed his part very well, he 
 came heavily in with an empty hamper, and seemed 
 to go lightly out with philips on his back. He was 
 dishampered at an ale-house near the water side, 
 crossed the Thames, and soon after embarked for 
 Ireland. He was very fond of this trick, and would 
 take pride in his subject, which was contrived long 
 before he was taken, to be ready on such an emer- 
 gency. 
 
 + Condolence. 
 
 A wag called on his friend at his" country-house, 
 and perceiving him running very fast through his 
 grounds to meet him, told the gentleman he was 
 very sorry to see him go on so ill. " Why so ?" re- 
 plied the other. "I see," rejoined the wag, "you 
 are running through your estate very fast*" 
 
the world's jest-book. 45 
 
 Dr. Johnson and the Butcher. 
 
 An eminent carcase butcher, as meagre in his 
 person as he was in his understanding, being one 
 day in a bookseller's shop, took up a volume of 
 Churchill's poems, and by way of showing his taste, 
 repeated the following line : 
 
 a Who rules o'er freemen should himself be free." 
 
 Then turning to Dr. Johnson, " What think you of 
 that, sir V s said he. " Rank nonsense," replied the 
 other, " it is an assertion without a proof, and you 
 might, with as much propriety, say, 
 
 " Who slays fat oxen should himself be fat." 
 
 True Politeness. — An Historical Incident. 
 
 The following incident may serve both as a proof 
 and illustration of the wit, politeness, and gene- 
 rosity, of the Normans in the middle ages. When 
 Robert, Duke of Normandy, father of William the 
 Conqueror, was at Constantinople, on his way to the 
 Holy Land, he lived in uncommon splendour, and 
 was celebrated for his wit, affability, liberality, and 
 other virtues. Of these, many examples were re- 
 lated to the Greek emperor, who resolved to put the 
 reality of them to a trial. With this view he invited 
 the duke and all his nobles to a feast, in the hall of 
 the imperial palace ; but he took care to have all 
 the tables and seats filled with guests before the 
 arrival of the Normans, of whom he commanded 
 that no notice should be taken. When the duke, 
 followed by his nobles, entered the hall, observing 
 that all the seats were filled with guests, and that 
 none of them returned his civilities, or offered him 
 any accommodation, he walked, without the least 
 
46 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 appearance of surprise, to an empty space at one 
 end of the room, took off his cloak, folded it very 
 carefully, laid it upon the floor, and sat down upon 
 it ; in all which he was imitated by his followers. 
 In this posture they dined off such dishes as were 
 set before them, with every appearance of the most 
 perfect satisfaction with their entertainment. When 
 the feast was ended, the duke and his nobles arose, 
 took leave of the company, and walked out of the 
 hall in their doublets, leaving their cloaks, which 
 were of great value, hehind them on the floor. The 
 emperor, who had admired their whole behaviour, 
 was quite surprised at this last part of it, and sent 
 one of his courtiers to intreat the duke and his fol- 
 lowers to put on their cloaks. " Go," said the 
 duke, "and tell your master, that it is not the 
 custom of the Normans to carry about with them 
 the seats which they use at an entertainment. ,, 
 Could any thing be more delicate than this refusal ; 
 or more noble and polite than this deportment I 
 
 Sancho and the Planter. 
 
 ft Sancho," said a dying planter to his slave, a for 
 your faithful services, I mean now to do you an 
 honour, and I leave it in my will that you shall be 
 buried in our family ground !" a Ah, massa !" 
 replied Sancho, " Sancho no good to be buried ; 
 Sancho rather have de money or de freedom ; be- 
 sides, if de devil come in de dark to look for massa, 
 he mistake and take de 'poor Negar man /" 
 
 Modern Mirrors. 
 
 An old coquette, looking into her glass, and see- 
 ing her wrinkles, cried, "This new glass is not 
 worth a farthing. They cannot make mirrors 80 
 well as they used to do." 
 
the world's jest-book. 47 
 
 Honesty's Lodgings. 
 
 A mendicant soliciting alms of Dr. Smollett, he 
 gave him, through inadvertence, a guinea instead 
 of a shilling. The poor fellow, who was lame, hob- 
 bled after him, and pointed out the mistake. " My 
 God !" said Smollett to a friend who was with him, 
 "what a wretched lodging has honesty taken up 
 with," returning the guinea along with another to 
 the overjoyed grateful beggar. 
 
 A Sailor's credulity imposed upon. 
 
 A sailor's wife, at the end of three months after 
 her marriage, was brought a-bed ; all which three 
 months Jack had been at sea, and returned just as 
 his wife had brought him a son. Jack, astonished, 
 declared it could not be his, having been married 
 but so short a time. His wife accused him of the 
 greatest cruelty, in attempting to deny his own 
 child, and asperse her character as a virtuous wife. 
 " Why, damme," says Jack, " it's impossible to be 
 mine in three months." " You know," cried she, 
 u it's nine months since we were married. 1 * "Make 
 it out," says Jack. " Why, we have been married 
 three months." " Well ?" " And you've been 
 three months at sea, and I've been three months 
 with child." u Damme, but your right, give us a 
 buss at the boy : you've kept your reckoning like a 
 seaman's wife." 
 
 A Frenchman, having a violent pain in his breast 
 and stomach, went to a physician for relief. The 
 doctor inquiring where his trouble lay, the French- 
 man, with a dolorous accent, laying his hand on his 
 breast, said, " Vy, sare, I have one very bad pain 
 in my portmanteau" (meaning his chest.) 
 
48 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The Benevolent Judge. 
 The celebrated Charles Anthony Domat, author 
 of a voluminous treatise on the civil laws, was pro- 
 moted to the office of a judge of the provincial 
 court of Clermont, in the territory of Auvergne, in 
 the south of France. In this court he presided 
 with the public applause for twenty-four years. 
 One day, a poor widow brought an action against 
 the Baron de Nairac, her landlord, for turning her 
 out of a mill, which was her sole dependence. Mr. 
 Domat heard the cause, and finding by the clearest 
 evidence, that she had ignorantly broken a cove- 
 nant in the lease, which gave a power of re-entry, 
 he recommended mercy to the baron for a poor ho- 
 nest tenant, who had not wilfully transgressed, or 
 done him any material injury. Nairac, however, 
 being inexorable, the judge was obliged to pro- 
 nounce a degree of ejectment, with the damages 
 mentioned in the lease, and costs of suit : but he 
 could not pronounce this just, but cruel, decree, 
 without tears. When an order of seizure, both of 
 person and effects, was added, the poor widow ex- 
 claimed, " just and righteous God ! be thou a fa- 
 ther to the widow and her helpless orphans !" and 
 immediately fainted away. The compassionate 
 judge assisted in raising the unfortunate woman ; 
 and, after inquiring into her character, number of 
 children, and other circumstances, generously pre- 
 sented her with 100 louis d'ors, the amount of the 
 damages and costs, which he prevailed upon the 
 baron to accept as a full compensation, and to let 
 the widow again enter upon her mill. " O, my 
 lord," said the poor woman, " when will you demand 
 payment, that I may lay up for that purpose ?" 
 " When my conscience," replied Mr. Domat, " shall 
 tell me I have done au improper act." 
 
THE WORLD S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 40 
 
 
 The Cares of Man. 
 
 If every man's internal care 
 
 Were written on his brow, 
 How many would our pity share, 
 
 Who raise our envy now. 
 
 The fatal secret, when reveal'd, 
 
 Of every aching breast, 
 Would prove that, only while conceaPd, 
 
 Their lot appeared the best. 
 
 Safe Travelling. 
 
 It was related of a very curious author, that he 
 was often seen walking in the streets with his ma- 
 nuscripts sticking out of his pocket. "Yes^" re- 
 plied a person in company, " that author is too well 
 known ; nobody will steal any thing from him.'* 
 
 D 
 
50 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Ruin's at the bottom. — A Dialogue, 
 
 B. How are you ray lad % Sit down and tell me 
 how things go on at home. 
 
 Y. Bad enough, sir ; the poor magpie's dead. 
 
 B. Poor mag ! so she's gone the way of all flesh. 
 What occasioned her death ? 
 
 Y. Over-ate herself, sir. 
 
 B. A gluttonous devil, upon my soul. What did 
 she get that she liked so well ? 
 
 Y. Horse-flesh, sir ; she died eating horse-flesh. 
 
 B. How did she get at it ? 
 
 Y, Your father's horses, sir. 
 
 B. What, has he lost any ? 
 
 Y. Yes, sir ; five died last week by over-work. 
 
 B. And why were they so much worked ? 
 
 Y. Conveying water, sir, to quench the fire. 
 
 B. Fire ! what fire ? 
 
 Y. The fire at your father's house, which is now 
 a heap of ruins. 
 
 B. My God ! my father's house burnt to the 
 ground. How came it on fire ? 
 
 Y. It is generally supposed by the torches. 
 
 B. Torches ! what torches ? 
 
 Y. Why, sir, the torches used at your mother's 
 funeral. 
 
 B. What ! my mother dead ? 
 
 Y. Yes, madam is dead and gone. 
 
 B. You've, of course, brought a letter from my 
 father ? 
 
 Y. Why, sir, he took to his bed and died, about 
 two hours after the bad news. 
 
 B. Oh, heaven ! what news do you allude to ? 
 
 Y. The run about his bank, sir, which has stop- 
 ped payment. You are now not worth a shilling, 
 and I have made bold to take the stage waggon to 
 let you know about it. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 51 
 
 John Taylor. 
 
 This author had the merit of interrupting the 
 servile etiquette of kneeling to the king. " I, 
 myself," says the Water poet, " gave a book to king 
 James once, in the great chamber at Whitehall, as- 
 his majesty came from the chapel. The duke, of 
 Richmond said merrily to me, ' Taylor, where did 
 yom learn the manners to give the king a book and 
 not kneel V My lord, said I, if it please your 
 grace, I do give now ; but when I beg any thing, 
 then I will kneel." 
 
 Fret- Work. 
 
 A gentleman who had long danced attendance af- 
 ter the ministry, in hopes of preferment, being one 
 d^y, as usual, at the Duke of Newcastle's levee, and 
 happened to cast his eyes up to the ceiling, observed 
 to his fellow-solicitors how properly that room was 
 decorated. The gentlemen present said they could 
 see no great ornament about it. "i" did not say 
 there was," said he, u but I admire the propriety of 
 what there is ; for both top and bottom is full of 
 Fret-work." 
 
 The Power of Orthography and Punctuation. 
 
 The husband of a pious woman having occasion to 
 make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to 
 the parson of the parish, which, instead of spelling 
 and pointing properly, she spelt and pointed as 
 follows : 
 
 " A person having gone to see his wife, desires the 
 prayers, of the congregation" 
 
 The parson, who had not examined the contents 
 of the paper, gave it out accordingly. 
 
52 wir AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 Anecdote of Gairick. 
 
 David Garrick sat many times to Sir Joshua 
 Reynolds for different portraits. At one of these 
 sittings he gave a very lively account of his having 
 sat once for his portrait to an indifferent painter, 
 whom he wantonly teazed ; for when the artist had 
 worked on the face till he had drawn it very cor- 
 rectly as he saw it at the time, Garrick caught an 
 opportunity, while the painter was not looldng at 
 him, totally to change his countenance and expres- 
 sion ; when the poor painter patiently worked on to 
 alter the picture, and make it like what he then saw i 
 and when Garrick perceived that it was thus altered, 
 he seized another opportunity, and changed his 
 countenance to a third character : which, when the 
 poor tantalized artist perceived, he, in a;great rage, 
 threw down his palette and pencils, saying, he be- 
 lieved he was painting from the devil, and would do 
 no more to the picture. 
 
 Saving Plans. 
 
 Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rock- 
 ingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself 
 at the point of death, desired a friend who was pre- 
 sent to reach him a drawer, in which was an old 
 shirt, that he might put it on. Being asked why 
 he would wish to change fyis linen when he was so 
 ill, he replied, " Because I am told that the shirt I 
 die in must be the nurse's perquisite, and that is 
 good enough for her !" This was as bad as the old 
 woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch 
 of candle, " because," said she, *' 1 can eee to die in 
 the dark/" 
 
the world's jest-book. 53 
 
 The Speaking Fish, 
 
 Lately, a lady, bargaining for a haddock with a 
 fisherman, inquired when the fish had been caught ? 
 u This morning, madam," said the owner of the had- 
 dock. u You lie," replied a voice, which seemed to 
 •issue from the gills of one of the fish, " it is three 
 days ago since I was caught, and two days since you 
 stole me from Dick Potter ; and I am now stinking." 
 This speech, which had been uttered by a celebrated 
 ventriloquist, who at that instant was passing by, so 
 amazed the lady, that she retired in terror, and 
 closed the hall-door as she withdrew into her house, 
 lest the Speaking Fish might enter with her. 
 
 Out of Spirits. 
 A brandy merchant, who had just received intel- 
 ligence of the failure of a house which stood in- 
 debted to him upwards of five hundred pounds for 
 rum and orandy, coming into company, appeared 
 somewhat dejected, whereupon, one of the gentle- 
 men present asked him if he was not well ? " 0, 
 yes," replied another, "he's very well, only he has 
 lost his spirits." 
 
 A Dead Pun. 
 In company, a curious circumstance of a corpse 
 in armour, with spurs on, being dug out of an old 
 vault, was mentioned, and the persons present were 
 conjecturing about the mode of the death of the de- 
 ceased. "I suppose," said a wag, "the gentleman 
 died of a galloping consumption. 
 
 A Sweet Pun. 
 
 A lady, at a late entertainment, asked her guest 
 whether he could eat a custard. rt Yes," said he, 
 <c rt is curst hard if I cannot." 
 
54 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Sir Isaac Newton and the Shepherd. 
 
 There is a story related of Sir Isaac Newton, the 
 celebrated astronomer, that, being one day in the 
 country, he saw a shepherd tending his flock, and 
 inquired of him how far it was to the next town. 
 The shepherd replied, "About a mile," and ad- 
 ded, "but unless you make haste, you will be wetted 
 through before you get there." Sir Isaac proceed- 
 ed ; and as the day was uncommonly fine, disre- 
 garded the shepherd's caution, till drops of rain be- 
 gan to fall. He then quickened his pace ; but be- 
 fore he could reach the inn, he was thoroughly 
 wetted. Struck with the circumstance, when the 
 rain abated, he returned to ask the shepherd how 
 he came to know that there would be rain, when no 
 signs thereof were apparent. The shepherd declined 
 explanation. Sir Isaac offered him a guinea, and 
 afterwards five ; but still the shepherd refused to 
 reveal the secret. At length Sir Isaac offered him 
 twenty guineas ; he then consented, on condition 
 that he should have the money in hand before he 
 spoke. Sir Isaac complied. The shepherd then 
 said, " You see that black ram ?" " Yes," said Sir 
 Isaac, " but what has that to do with the question ?" 
 "Why," said the shepherd, "whenever that ram 
 makes for shelter, and thrusts his rump into the 
 hedge, I always know that rain will fall within 
 a quarter of an hour." 
 
 Original Irish Blunder. 
 
 A person having called at the house of a gentlman 
 (who had been some time out of town), asked the 
 maid-servant (an Irish woman), "Pray, has Mr. 
 Mills returned from the country yet V 9 " Yes, sir," 
 replied the female Paddy " but he's not in town" 
 
THE WORLD S JEST-BOOK. 99 
 
 Punch in Disgrace. 
 
 Lord P being one night at a puppet-show, 
 
 was so struck with the pleasant sallies of Punch, 
 that he resolved to purchase him, and gave Fiockton 
 his own price for that merry wag. Next morning 
 he wrote cards of invitation to his friends, re- 
 questing their company, as he had made acquaint- 
 ance with one of the merriest fellows he had ever 
 met, and that the choice spirit would take the chair 
 precisely at four o'clock. In consequence of these in- 
 vitations, his lordship had a numerous set of guests, 
 and Punch presided. After the usual ceremonies, 
 all being seated, his lordship was astonished that the 
 genius had not yet opened his mouth. a Come 
 Punch/' said he, " say a good thing." Not a sylla- 
 ble in reply. u What," resumed his lordship, " are 
 you so sulky for to-day ? ycu were facetious enough 
 last night." Still Punch remained silent ; when, at 
 length, his lordship was so provoked and enraged at 
 the disappointment, that he took Punch by the collar, 
 and lacked him down stairs. 
 
 Whimsical Freak of Oj Sailor. 
 
 The following may be relied on as a fact : Mr. 
 Lawson, master painter of the dock-yard at New 
 York, was a man whose face was much disfigured 
 with the small-pox, and going through the dock-gates 
 one day, he was accosted in a tremendous loud 
 hoarse voice by a sailor, whose face was roughly 
 hewn, in the following singular manner : " Sir, I 
 have got your knife," pulling out a large clasp knife, 
 about two feet long, and striving to thrust it into 
 Mr. Lawson's hand. " My knife f" exclaimed Mr. 
 Lawson, a you can have no knife of mine, for I have 
 neither. lost one, nor did I ever have such a knife." 
 The sailor still kept roaring out, "Sir 3 the knife is 
 
£6 WIT AMD WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 your's, and you must take it." Upon this, Mr. 
 Lawson began to suspect that there was something 
 more than ordinary in the fellow's behaviour, and 
 asked him what he meant by such conduct. " Why, 
 sir," said the sailor, "I belong to the Ugly Club in 
 London, and the members are each presented 
 with a knife, which they are bound, by the laws of 
 the Club, to present to any person they meet uglier 
 than themselves : now, sir, as I consider you several 
 degrees uglier than myself, shiver my timbers, but 
 you must take it :" and thrusting the knife into Mr. 
 Lawson's pocket, he ran away. 
 
 Origin of the word Bother. 
 
 The word bother was first used by a serjeant who, 
 being exposed to the volubility of two Irishmen, one 
 at each ear, cried, " Don't both-ear me I" Hence the 
 verb to bother. 
 
 Royal Reproof. 
 
 George III. ordered Mr. S , a tradesman of 
 
 some eminence in London, to wait upon him at 
 Windsor Castle, at eight o'clock in the morning on 
 a day appointed. Mr. S was half an hour be- 
 hind the time, and, upon being announced, his Ma- 
 jesty said, "Desire him to come at eight o'clock to 
 morrow." Mr. S — — appeared the next day again 
 after the time, and received the same command. 
 The third day he contrived to be punctual. Upon 
 his entrance, the king said, "Oh! the great Mr. 
 
 S i What sleep do you take, Mr. S ?" "Why, 
 
 please your Majesty, I am a man of regular habits ; 
 I usually take eight hours." " Too much, too much," 
 said the king, "six hours sleep is enough for a man, 
 seven for a woman, and eight for a fool — eight for a 
 fool Mr. S •" 
 
the world's jest-book. 57 
 
 Conjugal Constancy mid Affection. 
 
 The Marchioness of Tavistock, a short time pre- 
 vious to her death, when she was preparing to go 
 to Lisbon for the recovery of her health, had a con- 
 sultation cf physicians at Bedford-house ; and one 
 of the gentleman present desired, whilst he felt her 
 pulse, that she would open her hand. Her frequent 
 refusals occasioned him to take the liberty of forcing 
 the fingers gently asunder, when he perceived she 
 had shut them to conceal the miniature picture of 
 the Marquis. " 0, madam !" observed the physician, 
 " my prescriptions must be useless, if your ladyship 
 is determined to keep before your eyes the repre- 
 sentation of an object, which, though deservedly dear 
 to you, serves only to confirm the violence of your 
 illness." " I have kept the picture," answered the 
 Marchioness, " either in my bosom or in my hand, 
 ever since the death of my dear lord ; and thus I 
 am determined to preserve it, till I fortunately drop 
 after him into the grave." 
 
 The Happy Fellow. 
 
 Dick Careless from his inattention to money mat- 
 ters, had incensed his father to such a degree that 
 all the intercession of friends was fruitless. The old 
 gentleman was on his death-bed : the whole family, 
 and Dick among the number, gathered around 
 
 him. " I leave my second son, Andrew," said 
 
 the expiring miser, " my whole estate, and desire 
 him to be frugal." Andrew, in a sorrowful tone, as 
 is usual on these occasions, prayed Heaven to pro- 
 long his life and health to enjoy it himself. " I re- 
 commend Simon, my third son, to the care of his" 
 elder brother, and leave him, besides, four thousand 
 pounds." " Ah ! father," cried Simon, in great 
 
58 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 affliction to be sure, " may Heaven give you life and 
 health to enjoy it yourself." At last, turning to poor 
 Dick, " As for you, you have always been a sad dog ; 
 you'll never come to good ; you'll never be rich : I'll 
 leave you a shilling to buy a halter." " Ah ! father," 
 cries Dick, without any emotion, u may Heaven give 
 you life and health to enjoy it yourself." This was 
 all the trouble the loss of fortune gave this thought- 
 less imprudent creature. 
 
 The Dragoon. 
 
 A dragoon in Dublin was shot for desertion, and 
 his horse and accoutrements taken away at the 
 same time. When on his trial, an officer asked him, 
 " What could induce him to take away his horse ?" 
 To which he replied, "He ran away with me." 
 " What," said the officer, " did you do with the 
 money you sold him for?" " That," said the fellow, 
 " please your honour, ran away too." 
 
 T/ie Ruling Passion, 
 
 a gambler, on his-death bed, having seriously ta- 
 ken leave of his physician, who told him that he 
 could not live beyond eight o'clock next morning, 
 exerted the small strength he had left to call the 
 doctor back : which having accomplished with diffi- 
 culty, for he could hardly exceed a whisper, " Doc- 
 tor," said he, " I'll bet you five guineas I live till 
 nine." 
 
 Landscapes, 
 
 An Irish captain being on the ocean many leagues 
 from the most remote part of land, beheld at a short 
 distance four sail of ships, and in the joy of his 
 heart exclaimed, " Arrah ! my lads, pipe all hand* 
 on deck to behold this rich landscape." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 99 
 
 Counsellor Garrow 9 s Fortune told. 
 
 A witness in the Court of King's Bench, being 
 cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, that learned gen- 
 tleman asked him, if he was not a fortitne-teHer ? 
 "I am not," answered the witness ; "but if every 
 one had his due, I should have no difficulty in 
 telling your fortune." " Well, fellow !" says Mr. 
 Garrow, " pray what is to be my fortune V 9 " Why, 
 sir," rejoined the witness, "I understand you made 
 your first speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is 
 probable that you will there make your last speech. 99 
 
 Anecdote of Lord Chancellor More. 
 
 Lord Bacon gives the following anecdote of More, 
 when he was Lord chancellor. A person, who. had 
 a suit in chancery, sent him two silver flagons, not 
 doubting of the agreeableness of the present. 0» 
 receiving them, More called one of his servants, 
 and told him to fill those two vessels with the best 
 wine in his cellar ; and turning round to the ser- 
 vant who had presented them, " Tell your master/ 
 replied the inflexible magistrate, "that if he ap- 
 proves my wine, I beg he will not spare it." 
 
 A new Light. 
 
 An old woman, on the day devoted to St. Mi- 
 chael, the archangel, going into a church in Paris, 
 where there was a representation of that angel dis- 
 comfiting the devil, put one large taper close to the 
 saint, and another close to the fiend. " Woman," 
 exclaimed the priest, " you are making an offering 
 to Satan, you know not what you do." " I know 
 what I do well enough ; but as I do not certainly 
 know where I am going, it is well to have a friend 
 everywhere." 
 
€0 WIT and wisdom; or, 
 
 Anecdote of Dr. Johnson, 
 The first time Dr. Johnson was in company with 
 Mrs. Thrale, neither the elegance of his conversa- 
 tion, nor the depth of his knowledge, could prevent 
 that lady being shocked at his manners. Amongst 
 other pieces of indecorum, his tea not being sweet 
 enough, he put his fingers into the sugar-dish, and 
 supplied himself with as little ceremony and con- 
 cern as if there had not been a lady at the table. 
 Every well-bred cheek was tinged with confusion ; 
 but Mrs. T. was so exasperated, that she ordered 
 the sugar-dish immediately from the table, as if its 
 contents had been contaminated by the fingers of 
 Pomposo. The Doctor prudently took no notice, 
 but peaceably swallowed, as usual, his several cups 
 of tea. When he had done, instead of placing his 
 cup and saucer upon the table, he threw them both 
 very calmly under the grate. The whole tea-table 
 was thrown into confusion. Mrs. T. screamed out, 
 u Heavens ! doctor, what have you done ? You have 
 spoiled the handsomest set of china I have in the 
 world !" "I am sory for it, madam," answered Dr. 
 Johnson ; "but I assure you I did it out of pure 
 good breeding ; for, from your treatment of the sugar- 
 dish, I supposed you would never touch any thing 
 again that I once soiled with my fingers." 
 
 A Stroke at a Sleeping Sovereign, 
 Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who 
 was not very often in a church), observed that the 
 monarch, and all his attendants, began to nod, and, 
 as nobles are common men when they are asleep, 
 some of them soon after snored, on which he broke 
 off his sermon, and called — " Lord Lauderdale, let 
 me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so 
 loud that you will wake the king." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 61 
 
 Poetry and Pastry. 
 
 A german poet, having lately written a gastro- 
 nomic song upon the pastry of one of the best 
 pastry-cooks of his place, the latter thought he could 
 not better testify his gratitude than by sending him 
 one of the objects he had celebrated in his song. 
 The poet was at first enchanted with the work ; but, 
 to his grief, on finishing the last morsel, he recog- 
 nised in the paper, upon which it lay w r hen baked, 
 the copy of his song with which he had testified his 
 hom*age to the pastry-cook. In a great rage he ran 
 to his shop, and accused him with the crime of 
 loBsce poeticce. " Ah, sir," replied the artist, not in 
 the least disconcerted, u why so angry ? I have only 
 followed your example ; you have made a song 
 upon my pastry, and I have made pastry upon your 
 song !" 
 
 Fishing for a Dinner. 
 
 As* Cunningham, the pastoral poet, was fishing on 
 a Sunday near Durham, the reverend, as well as 
 corpulent, Mr. Brown, chanced to pass that way, 
 and knowing Mr. Cunningham, austerely reproached 
 him for breaking the Sabbath, telling him that ho 
 was doubly reprehensible, as his good sense should 
 have taught him better. The poor poet turned 
 round and replied, " Your external appearance, 
 reverend sir, says that if your dinner were at the 
 bottom of the river with mine, you would angle for 
 it, though it were a fast- day, and your Saviour 
 stood by to rebuke you." 
 
 Invisible Girl. 
 
 An Irish gentleman being asked some time since, 
 what brought him to London, he answered, that 
 he came to see the invisible girl. 
 
62 WIT AND WISDOM ; OB, 
 
 Anecdote of Burke. 
 
 It is well known that the celebrated Edmund 
 Burke, on his first debut in life, improved himself 
 not a little under the banners and patronage of the 
 opposition, for which purpose he was a constant 
 frequenter of the various debates and disputations 
 held at the house of one Seacoke, a baker, but wko, 
 notwithstanding his situation in life, was gifted with 
 such a vein of eloquence that he was unanimously 
 constituted perpetual president of the famous dis- 
 puting society held at the Robin-Hood near Temple- 
 bar. On a certain memorable occasion in the House 
 of Commons, Mr. Burke exclaiming, "I quit the 
 camp," suddenly left the opposition benches, and 
 going over to the Treasury side of the house, thun- 
 dered a violent philippic against his former friends 
 and associates. Mr. Sheridan concluded a spirited 
 reply to that unlooked for attack, nearly in the fol- 
 lowing words, " That gentleman, to use his own ex- 
 pression, has quitted the camp ; but he will recollect 
 that he has quitted it as a deserter, and I sincerely 
 hope he will never return a spy. But I for one," 
 he continued, " cannot sympathize in the astonish- 
 ment, with which so flagrant an act of apostacy has 
 electrified the house, for neither I nor that gentle- 
 man have forgotten from whom he has borrowed 
 those weapons which he now uses against us. So 
 far, therefore, from being astonished at that gen- 
 tleman's present tergiversation, I consider it not only 
 characteristic, but consistent ; for it is but natural 
 that he who, on his first starting in life, should com- 
 mit so gross a blunder as to go to a baker's for his 
 eloquence, should conclude such a career by coming 
 to the House of Commons for his bread." 
 
THE world's jest-book. 6*3 
 
 Anecdote of the Dulce of Buckingham. 
 
 In one of Dryden's plays there was this line? 
 which the actress endeavoured to speak in as mov- 
 ing and affecting a tone as she could, 
 
 r My wound is great, because it is so small !" 
 and then she paused, and looked very distressed. 
 The Duke of Buckingham, who was in the boxes, 
 rose immediately from his seat, and added, in a loud 
 ridiculing tone of voice, 
 
 " Then 'twould be greater were it none at all !" 
 which had so great an effect upon the audience that 
 Dryden lost his benefit. 
 
 Farmer and Attorney. 
 An opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a 
 law-suit, but was told he could not undertake it, be- 
 ing already engaged on the other side ; at the same 
 time he said that he would give him a letter of re- 
 commendation to a professional friend, which he 
 did ; and the farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and 
 read as follows : — 
 " Here are two fat wethers fallen out together, 
 If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other, 
 And make them agree like brother and brother." 
 The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and 
 terminated the dispute. 
 
 A Remedy for grief. 
 The Marshal de Mouchy maintained that the 
 flesh of pigeons possessed a consoling virtue. When- 
 ever this nobleman lost a friend or relation he said 
 to his cook, " Let me have roast pigeons for dinner 
 to-day. I have always remarked," he added, " that, 
 after eating two pigeons, I rise from table much less 
 sorrowful." 
 
64 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 The Devil among tlie Tailors, 
 
 Some time ago, a French teacher, resident in 
 Oxford, by the name of Ducane, called at Mr Wick- 
 ham, a mercer, who lived opposite University Col- 
 lege, for a waistcoat piece, but could not recollect 
 the name of the material he wished for. He said 
 that he thought it was de English for de diable. 
 Mr. Wickham mentioned the several names of his 
 infernal highness, such as Old Nick, Beelzebub, &c. 
 ci No, no, it was not dat," was the reply. At length 
 Mr. W. thought of Satan. " dat is vat I vant," 
 said Ducane ; " I vant a satan vescoat." 
 
 Diversity. 
 
 A learned and witty dissenting minister, not many 
 years deceased, married three wives ; the first for 
 her pecuniary advantages, the second on account of 
 her personal charms, the third he married in his 
 old age, for the sake of securing her attention and 
 his own comfort ; she, however, proved a very shrew. 
 " Well," said the Reverend to a friend, " I have in 
 my time had three wives ; the world, the flesh, and 
 the devil." 
 
 -The Question. 
 
 A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be ad- 
 mitted on the stage. As a specimen of his dra- 
 matic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of 
 Hamlet. 
 
 " To be, or not to be, that is the question." 
 Quin, indignant at the man's absurd elocution, ex- 
 claimed, very decisively, " No question, upon my 
 honour ; not to be, most certainly." 
 
the world's jest-book. 65 
 
 Curious Bequest. 
 
 The following occurence took place not many 
 miles from town : — A barber and a young female 
 having had their banns published, attended at the 
 church to be married. When the minister came to 
 a certain part of the ceremony, the bridegroom very 
 gravely asked the clergyman " If he might not take 
 this woman in marriage on trial for a term of years, 
 as he knew it was the custom in parts where he had 
 been ?" The clergyman of course answered in the 
 negative. u Well, sir, then," says the barber, " I 
 suppose I must risk it ; so you may go on in the 
 usual way." The ceremony was then duly performed. 
 
 A man boasting in a coffee-house, that he had 
 drank six bottles of wine, a by-stander observed, it 
 was more than he could swallow. 
 
66 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Botany Bay Theatricals* 
 
 Some years ago one of the male convicts in 
 Botany Bay wrote a farce, which was acted with 
 great applause in the theatre, Port Jackson. Bar- 
 rington, the noted pickpocket, furnished the pro- 
 logue, which ended with these two lines, — 
 
 " True patriots we, for be it understood, 
 We left our country for our country's good" 
 
 Perfidy Punished, 
 
 Among the lives of female heroines, lately pub- 
 lished at Paris, it appears that, in 1722, a M» 
 d'Estache, formerly a cornet in the French dra- 
 goons, having seduced a young womau of the name 
 of St. Cheron, the daughter of a brother officer, and 
 by whom she became pregnant, he at length carried 
 the insult so far as to refuse to marry her, under 
 the shameful pretence of having been intimate with 
 her mother in the early part of his life. The 
 abused damsel had two brothers, lieutenants of 
 horse in the regiments of Brisac, who would have 
 compelled M. d'Estache to marry their sister, to 
 retrieve her honour, and vindicate their calumni- 
 ated mother ; but d'Estache wounded the eldest in 
 the face with a pistol, and shot the youngest with 
 a gun out of a window. This injured family had s» 
 sister, who for some time abandoned herself to grief 
 and rage, but the last of those passions at length 
 prevailing, prompted her to a revenge above thf» 
 daring of her sex ; this young gentlewoman being 
 informed that her sister's ravisher and brother's 
 murderer was at Montpellier, went thither from 
 G-ignac, where she lived, and arrived there on the 
 5 th of March, in the evening. She found means on 
 
ths world's jest-book. 67 
 
 the 7th to be introduced to the guilty author of her 
 family's disgrace, and without any ceremony shot 
 him dead with a pistol. Having done the deed, 
 she wrote the next day to the Regent, and to M. le 
 Blanc, secretary of war, owning the fact, but deny- 
 ing it to be an offence, and justifying her innocence 
 by the provocation, yet at the same time humbly 
 imploring for mercy. Her letters were received 
 on the 16 th, in the morning, and his royal highness 
 the duke regent immediately despatched an express 
 to the lieutenant criminal of Montpellier, to send 
 the information against her to M. le Blanc, and not 
 to give judgment till further orders. The ladies of 
 Montpellier, one and all, declared their approbation 
 of the action, and two of them even made them- 
 selves prisoners to bear her company in her con- 
 finement, which was not of long continuance ; for, 
 notwithstanding that she had acted the heroine's 
 part rather than that of the Christian, she soon ob- 
 tained a pardon. 
 
 An Hibernian Remark. 
 
 Dean Swift once dining with the mayor of Dublin, 
 was served with part of a duck, and asking for apple- 
 sauce, was told by the mayor there was none ; upon 
 which he cut an apple-pie, and put a spoonful of the 
 apples on his plate. The mayor exclaimed, " Why, 
 doctor, you eat duck like a goose" 
 
 SCRAPIANA. 
 
 A gentleman in the country lately addressed 
 a passionate billet-doux to a lady in the same town, 
 adding this curious postscript : u Please to send a 
 
 eedLy answer, as I have somebody else in mv eye" 
 
68 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful 
 conflagration of the theatre royal Covent-garden, 
 Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury-lane, received a 
 letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know by 
 the return of post if it was he that was really burned 
 or not. 
 
 An English labourer in Cheshire attempting to 
 drown himself, an Irish reaper, who saw him go 
 into the water, leaped after him and brought him 
 safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second 
 time, the reaper a second time got him out ; but the 
 labourer determined to destroy himself, watched 
 an opportunity and hanged himself behind the barn- 
 door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered 
 to cut him down ; when, several hours afterward, 
 the master of the farm-yard asked him, upon what 
 ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang 
 there ? "Faith," replied Patrick "I don't know 
 what you mean by ground ; I know I was so good 
 to him that I fetched him out of the water two times ; 
 and I Jcnow, too, he was wet through every rag, and 
 and I thought he hung himself up to dry, and you 
 know I could have no right to prevent him." 
 
 An Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which 
 had been tried before three judges, one of whom 
 was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other two 
 but indifferent, some of the other barristers were 
 very merry on the occasion. u Well, now," says 
 he, a at any rate it was a bad cause, and I have lost 
 no great things by it. But who the devil could help 
 it when there were an hundred judges on the 
 bench ?" " An hundred ?" said a stander-by, there 
 were but three." " By Jove !" replied he, "there 
 were one and two cyphers" 
 
the world's jest-book. 69 
 
 The gallery wit of the Dublin theatres, has long 
 been celebrated ; for perhaps the mob of that city, 
 are the wittiest blackguards in Europe, and the 
 deities of the upper gallery never fail to mark their 
 approbation or hatred for all public characters who 
 happen to catch their eyes, by plaudits or groans : 
 even the Viceroy if present comes in for his share 
 in these attentions, just as he happens to be popular 
 or unpopular ; and some of those august personages 
 unable to bear this kind of attack, have uniformly 
 absented themselves from the theatre. The late_ 
 amiable Manners, Duke of Rutland, and his beau- 
 tiful Duchess, appeared one night in the vice regal 
 box, when a celebrated abbess, named Peg Plunket, 
 with a few of her nymphs, appeared in the side 
 boxes. The upper gallery wits immediately began 
 upon the Paphian Priestess with " Ha, Peg ! who 
 slept with you last night, Peg !" To which she 
 immediately answered in a tone of reproof, u Man- 
 ners, you blackguards." This was so palpable a 
 hit at the representative of royalty, who was a 
 frequent visitant at her nunnery, that it threw the 
 house into a roar of laughter, and the noble duke 
 retired under much embarrassment. 
 
 The great Algernon Sidney seemed to show very 
 little concern at his death ; he had, indeed, got 
 some friends to intercede with the king for a par- 
 don ; but when it was told him that his majesty 
 could not be prevailed upon to give him his life, but 
 that, in regard to his ancient and noble family, he 
 would remit part of his sentence, and only have his 
 head cut off; "Nay," said he, "if his majesty 
 is resolved to have my head, he may make a whis- 
 tle of my tail, if he pleases." 
 
70 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A seedsman being lately held to bail for using 
 inflammatory language respecting the Reform Bill, 
 a wag observed, it was probable in the line of his 
 profession, to promote business, he wished to sow 
 
 An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in 
 whose country was the best living ; said the Welsh- 
 man, iC There is such noble house-keeping in Wales, 
 that I have known above a dozen cooks employed 
 at one wedding dinner." * Ay," answered the En- 
 glishman, (i that was because every man toasted his 
 own cheese." 
 
 A poor man lately applied to a clerical bon vivdnt 
 in the country to preach a funeral sermon on his 
 deceased wife, at the same time requesting to know 
 the expense. "Two guineas," was the reply, 
 " Couldn't your reverence do it for one ?" w Why I 
 could preach you a sermon for one guinea, but it 
 would not be worth your hearing." 
 
 One telling another that he had once so excellent 
 a gun, that it went off immediately upon a thief's 
 coming into th& house, although it was not charged. 
 *■ How he devil can that be ?" said the other. 
 "Because," said the first, " the thief carried it off ; 
 and, what was worse, before I had time to charge 
 him with it." 
 
 A person reading in a newspaper that the Bishop 
 of London had refused to grant a licence to the 
 floating chapel an the river Thames, cried out, 
 " That he was not at all surprised at his lordship's 
 refusal ; for," says he, " the chapel does not float in 
 his see** 
 
THB WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 71 
 
 Curious Courtship. 
 
 A young gentleman and lady happened to be in 
 the same pew in a free church in America. Dur- 
 ing the course of the sermon the youth read some- 
 thing in the eyes of the fair, which made a deeper 
 impression on his mind than the pious lecture of 
 the preacher. As love, although blind, is never at 
 a loss for expedients, he presented the maiden, 
 whose charms had attracted his notice, with the fol- 
 lowing passage, being the 5th verse of the Second 
 Epistle of John : — 
 
 * Now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote 
 a new commandment unto thee, but that which we 
 had from the beginning, that we love one another.'' 
 
 After reading this passage, the lady, in reply, 
 promptly referred her suitor to another passage in 
 the Old Testament— namely, the 16th verse of the 
 1st chapter of Ruth : — 
 
 * Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from 
 following after thee : for whither thou goest, I will 
 go ; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge : thy 
 people shall be my people, and thy God my God." 
 
 Gaming for Money, 
 
 In the reign of Richard the First, an edict was 
 issued concerning gaming, by which no person in 
 the army was permitted to play at any sort of game 
 for money, except knights and clergymen, who in 
 one whole day and night should not each lose more 
 than twenty shillings, on pain of forfeiting one hun- 
 dred shillings to the archbishop of the army. The 
 two kings might play for what they pleased ; but 
 their attendants not for more than twenty shillings, 
 otherwise they were to be whipped naked through 
 the army for three days. 
 
72 WIT AND WISDOM J OB, 
 
 Judge JefFeries, when on the bench, told an old 
 fellow with a long beard that he supposed he had a 
 conscience as long as his beard. "Does your lord- 
 ship," replied the old man, " measure consciences 
 by beards ? If so, your lordship has none at all." 
 
 At the fashionable supper parties it is considered 
 ungenteel to cut the pastry ; as, if not touched, it 
 will serve most of the suppers for the season, which 
 are generally provided by contract. A few nights 
 ago, on the bill of fare being handed about, a gen- 
 tleman called for some pigeon-pie ; but, on its being 
 opened, the interior was wood. The lady of the 
 house said, with great nonchalance, " that there was 
 a mistake, for the pie consisted not of house, but 
 wood, pigeons." 
 
 A gentleman filled up a banker's check for his 
 butcher, whose name was Govis, " Pay Mr. Bovis" 
 which word in Latin signifies of an ox. 
 
 A young man, one day, was railing, in a jocular 
 way, at Fortune, and lamenting the absence of her 
 smiles ; " but," says he, " I think I shall go and make 
 a hole in the Bank, rob it, and so get rich at once." 
 " Then, certainly," said a lady present, " you will 
 be exalted.* 1 " Yes," he replied, " I shall get into 
 a new-line." 
 
 Diogenes seeing a boy throwing stones at a gal- 
 lows, cried out, " Well, done 1 you will come to your 
 mark at last." 
 
 The following order was received from a farmer 
 by a druggist in a country town : " Sir, please to 
 send me a clanging drink for a cow, after calving 
 Dick Baldwin." 
 
THE WORLD'S J ESC- BOOK. 73 
 
 Some words in French have no correspondent 
 rhyme. A lady asking a poet a rhyme for coiffe (a 
 lady's head dress), was answered. u Madam, there 
 is none ; for what belongs to a lady's head has nei- 
 ther rhyme nor reason" 
 
 A Yorkshireman and Leicestershireman contend- 
 ing for the superior fertility of their respective 
 counties, the Leicestershireman declared that lie 
 could turn a horse into a field new-mown, and the 
 next morning the grass would be grown above his 
 hoofs. " Pho ! that's nothing," cried the Yorkshire- 
 man, " you may turn a horse into a field in Yorkshire, 
 and not be able to find him next morning." 
 
 At a general illumination, some time back, the 
 mob having gathered round a house which happened 
 to be a butcher's, began to call out, " Lights, lights ;" 
 when the master of the house opened one of his 
 windows, and put out a pole, at the end of which 
 was suspended a bullock'' 's lights, which so amused 
 the mob that, upon the butcher assuring them he 
 meant to light up, they went on, and left his win- 
 dows unmolested. 
 
 " As you do not belong to my parish," said a clergy- 
 man to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, " you 
 caimot expect that I should relieve you." " Sir," 
 said the sailor, with a noble air, " I lo3t my leg 
 fighting for all parishes" 
 
 A blind man who goes about the streets of Lon- 
 don, whining out a long story about his misfortunes, 
 has, amongst other prayers for the charitable and 
 humane, the following curious wish, " May you ne- 
 ver sea the darkness I now see." 
 
74 WIT AND WISDOM ; OB, 
 
 A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Hol- 
 born, being the subject of conversation in a party, 
 a person inquired where he lived, if he had a large 
 house, kopt a good table, &c. " Oh ! yes/* answered 
 another, * he lives in the greatest stile in holborn." 
 
 A person looking at a London directory, and ob- 
 serving a man put in it as a diamond merchant, ex- 
 pressed his surprise, as the man had the words ex- 
 pressed coal merchant on his door. " Oh !" eried 
 Suet, w tis only an error of the press ; you see they 
 have omitted the word black before that of diamond." 
 
 The late Lord Norbury, some time since, going 
 as a judge on the Munster circuit, was, as usual, 
 so strict in the administration of criminal; justice, 
 that few, of whose guilt there were any strong 
 grounds of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely 
 through any slovenly flaws in the wording of their 
 indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. Dining, 
 as usual, with the seniors of the bar at the next inn, 
 a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave to 
 help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. Lord 
 Norbury replied, " he did not like pickled tongue, 
 but if it had been hung he would try it." Mr. Curran, 
 who sat at the other side, said, that " the defect was 
 easily obviated, for, if his lordship would only try it, 
 it would certainly be hung.' 9 
 
 " Who is that lovely girl ?" exclaimed Lord Nor- 
 bury, riding in company with his friend, Counsellor 
 Grahaarty. "Misp £lass," replied the barrister. 
 "Glass," reiterated the facetious judge; '*by the 
 love which man bears to woman I should often be- 
 come intoxicated, could 1 press such a glass to my 
 lips." 
 
THE world's jest-book. 75 
 
 A very witty baronet, lounging one day in 
 Dalby's chocolate-house, when, after a long drought, 
 there fell a torrent of rain ; a country gentleman 
 observed, " This is a most delightful rain ; I hope it 
 will bring up every thing out of the ground" " By 
 Jove, sir," said Sir John, " I hope not, for I have 
 sowed three wives in it, and I should be very sorry 
 to see them come up again." 
 
 A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave 
 all his estate to fools and madmen : being asked the 
 reason for so doing ; "From such," said he, "I had 
 it, and to such I give it again." 
 
 A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an 
 Irishman, said as usual, " I have nothing now to do 
 but to pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon 
 you." " Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account," 
 interrupted Pat. "I must do my duty," resumed 
 the judge. " You must go from hence to the place 
 of execution, where you are to be hanged by your 
 neck till you are dead ; and the Lord have mercy 
 on your soul !" "I am much obliged to you," says 
 the prisoner, " but I never heard of any one thriv- 
 ing after your prayers." 
 
 The late father O'Leary, of witty celebrity, had 
 once a pamphleteering war of polemics with the 
 protestant bishop of Cloyne, in which the prelate 
 inveighed with great acrimony against the super- 
 stitions of popery, and particularly against the doc- 
 trine of purgatory. Father O'Leary, in his reply, 
 slily observed, "that much as the bishop disliked 
 purgatory, he might possibly go much farther an4 
 fare worse." 
 
76 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 When the British ships under Lord Nelson were 
 bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Tra- 
 falgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going 
 round to see that all hands were at quarters, ob- 
 served one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side 
 of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an Eng- 
 lish sailor excited his surprise and curiosity, he 
 went and asked the man if he was afraid. " Afraid 1" 
 answered the honest tar, "no ; I was only praying 
 that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the 
 same proportion as prize-money — the greatest part 
 among the officers." 
 
 A dancer said to a Spartan, " You cannot stand so 
 long upon one leg as I can." "True," answered 
 the Spartan, " but any goose can." 
 
 Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, " If any 
 thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom 
 I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not 
 lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then 
 in the administration ) whispered to his neighbour, 
 "If he could not lie on his pillow with ease, he can 
 lie in this house with ease." 
 
 A very shrewd person wishing to catch a mouso 
 that eat his books, baited and set a trap, and sat by 
 it to watch! 
 
 A gentleman on circuit narrating to his lordship 
 some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that 
 he had lately shot thirty-three hares before break- 
 fast. "Thirty-three hairs/" exclaimed Lord Nor- 
 bury ; " zounds' sir ! then you must have been firing 
 at a wig." 
 
the world's jest-book. 77 
 
 When George the Second, in coming from Hol- 
 land, happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, 
 the captain of the yacht cried to the chaplain, " In 
 five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the 
 Lord." " The Lord forbid," answered the doctor. 
 
 A certain captain, who had made a greater figure 
 than his fortune could well bear, and the regiment 
 not being paid as was expected, was forced to put 
 off a great part of his equipage ; a few days after, 
 as he was walking by the road-side, he saw one of 
 his soldiers sitting lousing himself under a hedge. 
 " What are you doing there, Tom ?" said the officer. 
 "Why, faith, sir," answered the soldier, "I am fol- 
 lowing your example — getting rid of part of my 
 retinue." 
 
 The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles 
 the Second's reign, being killed in a tragedy, hav- 
 ing a violent cold, could not forbear coughing as he 
 lay dead upon the stage, which occasioning a good 
 deal of laughter and noise in the house, he lifted up 
 his head, and speaking to the audience, said, " This 
 makes good what my poor mother used to tell me ; 
 for she would often say that / should cough in my 
 grave, because I used to drink in my porridge" This 
 set the house in such good humour, that it produced 
 a thundering clap, and made every one readily par- 
 don the solecism he had before committed. 
 
 Sir John Stuart Hamilton, who had severely 
 suffered in person and circumstances from the per- 
 secutions of the law, used to say, that an attorney 
 was like a hedge-hog, for it was impossible to touch 
 him any where without pricking one's fingers. 
 
78 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 It appears from the experience of all ages and na- 
 tions, that the work done by freemen comes cheaper 
 in the end than that performed by slaves. 
 
 / Br. Sheridan and his Pupil. 
 
 Dr. Sheridan, the celebrated friend of Swift, had 
 a custom of ringing his scholars to prayers, in the 
 school-room, at a certain hour every day. The boys 
 were one day very devoutly at prayers, except one, 
 who was stifling a laugh as well as he could ; which 
 arose from seeing a rat descending from the bell- 
 rope in the room. The poor boy could hold out no 
 longer, but burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, 
 which set the others a going when they saw the 
 cause. Sheridan was so provoked that he would 
 whip them all if the culprit was not pointed out to 
 him, which was immediately done. The poor pupil 
 of Momus was instantly hoisted, and his posteriors 
 laid bare to the rod ; when the witty schoolmaster 
 told him if he said any thing tolerable on the occa- 
 sion, as he looked on the boy as the greatest dunce 
 in the school, he would forgive him. The trembling 
 culprit, with very little hesitation, addressed his 
 master with the following beautiful distich : — 
 
 There was a rat, for want of stairs, 
 Came down a rope — to go to prayers. 
 
 Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and instead of 
 a whipping gave him half-a-crown. 
 
 Jack Ketch's Commission. 
 A culprit asked Jack Ketch if he had any com- 
 mands to the other world ? " Why, " said Jack, 
 " not many ; I'll only," added he, as he had ad- 
 justed the knot under his left ear, "just trouble 
 4.VQU wxfh s. Ujaz " 
 
the world's jest-book. 79 
 
 Superstition. — Lord Byron. 
 
 The courier bringing a letter from England, in 
 which the death of his old physician Polidori was 
 stated, Lord Byron remarked, "I was convinced 
 something very unpleasant hung over me last night. 
 I expected to hear that somebody I knew was dead ; 
 so it turns out — who can help being superstitious ? 
 Scott believed in second sight ; Rousseau tried whe- 
 ther he would be damned or not by aiming at a tree 
 with a stone; Goethe trusted to the chance of a 
 knife's striking the water whether he was to succeed 
 in some undertaking." He might also have mention- 
 ed Swift, who placed the success of his life on the 
 drawing a trout he had hooked out of the water. 
 Byron on another occasion observed, "Several ex- 
 traordinary things have happened on my birth-day ; 
 so they did to Napoleon : and a more wonderful cir- 
 cumstance still occurred to Marie Antoinette. At 
 my wedding, something whispered me that I was 
 signing my death-warrant. At the last moment I 
 would have retreated if I could have done so. I am 
 a great believer in presentiments. Socrates' demon 
 was no fiction ; Monk Lewis had his monitor, and 
 Bonaparte many warnings." Byron had also a be- 
 lief in unlucky days ; he once refused to be intro- 
 duced to a lady because it was on a Friday the in- 
 troduction was to take place, that day having been, 
 for some reason or other, most innocently cursed in 
 the superstitious calendar. On this same ill-starred 
 day he would never pay visits. 
 
 Five Chief Upholders of a Commonwealth. 
 
 The Seaman — the Farmer — the Merchant — the 
 Shepherd — and the Ploughman. 
 
80 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Importance of Despatch. 
 
 The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered 
 a clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was sick, 
 poor, and had a numerous family. In the evening 
 he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would 
 deliver it in the most delicate manner, and as from 
 an unknown person. The friend replied, "I will 
 wait upon him early in the morning." "You will 
 oblige me by calling directly. Think, sir, of what 
 importance a good night's rest may be to that poor 
 man." 
 
 Typographical Correctness. 
 
 In the printing-house of Henry Stevens, every 
 person spoke Latin, from the garret to the kitchen, 
 from the master to the old maid who served in the 
 shop. The brothers were so very anxious to have 
 all books accurately printed at their press, that af- 
 ter diligently examining every sheet twice before 
 they printed it off, they put out a third proof at 
 their door, and promised a louis d'or to any person 
 that should discover an error in it. 
 
 Fancy Pictures. 
 
 In a convivial assembly, some of the company 
 questioning whether the little hamlet of Auburn, in 
 the county of Westmeath, was roally the subject of 
 Dr. Goldsmith's "Deserted Village," and a doubt 
 arising from the circumstance of the doctor's not 
 having been actually on the spot when he composed 
 that pathetic piece, an old Irish gentleman present, 
 with the zeal of a warm defender of his country's 
 rightful honour, exclaimed, " Why, gentlemen, was 
 Milton actually in hell when he wrote his Paradise 
 Lost?" 
 
THE WORLD S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 81 
 
 Lord .. 
 
 The present Lord being, under the cor- 
 rection of his schoolmaster, received the following 
 reproachful accompaniment with the rod : — " One of 
 your ancestors invented an Orrery, and another of 
 them gave to the world a translation of Pliny, but 
 you, I fear, will never invent any thing but mischief, 
 nor translate any thing but an idle boy in\,i «. foolish 
 man ; so that, instead of myrtle, yoa shti ii bt ho- 
 noured with birch." 
 
 Out of his Element 
 A person of the name of Fish, having made a 
 short trip in a balloon, on coming again to terra 
 jirma, was seized with a swoon. A gentleman ask- 
 ing one of the crowd collected around him what 
 was the matter, was answered, "Nothing but a, fiat 
 Jish, who has been out of his element." 
 
82 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Proofs of Civilization, 
 
 A person who had resided for some time on the 
 coast of Africa, was asked, if he thought it possible 
 to civilize the natives. " As a proof of the possi- 
 bility of it," said he, " I have known some negroes 
 that thought as little of a lie or an oath as any Eu- 
 ropean." 
 
 A modern writer of travels records, that in one 
 of his peregrinations he traversed a wide extent of 
 uncultivated regions, but at last perceived a gibbet, 
 " the sight of which," says he, " gave me infinite 
 pleasure, as it proved that I was in a civilized coun- 
 try." 
 
 Sarcasm of Dr. Johnson's. 
 
 One evening at Oxford, Dr. Johnson was present 
 at a private party, when, among other topics, an 
 essay on the future life of brutes was mentioned, 
 and a gentleman present was inclined to support the 
 author's opinion, that the lower animals have an 
 u immortal part." He familiarly remarked to the 
 doctor, " Really, sir, when we see a very sensible 
 dog, we don't know what to think of him." Upon 
 which, Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, 
 " True, sir ; and when we see a very foolish fellow, 
 we don't know what to think of him." 
 
 All Fives: or, a Collection of Wonders. — There are 
 Five Strange Wonders in the World. 
 
 To hear a Lawyer tell Truth ; 
 To see a Prodigal turn Thrifty ; 
 To see an Informer refuse a Bribe ; 
 To see an Usurer throw away Money ; 
 To see a Whore turn Honest. 
 
THB world's JaST-BOOX. S3 
 
 The Merry Andrew. 
 
 A certain country squire asked an Irish merry 
 andrew why he played the fool ? " For the same 
 reason that you do — for want. You do it for want 
 of wit — I for want of money." 
 
 Good Fortime when least expected. 
 A poor retailer of fruit, who had three small chil- 
 dren, could scarcely, in dear times, earn so much as 
 was necessary to procure herself and children bread ; 
 but for the hire of the damp hole, which' her land- 
 lord called a room, it was impossible. The hard- 
 hearted man distrained for his rent, really took her 
 bed, and her little wretched furniture, and ordered 
 them to be sold by auction. The poor wretched 
 widow and her orphans were present at the sale. 
 Even the best things were thrown away for a trifle, 
 and there was not enough produced for the rent. 
 In the catalogue there was a very small and much 
 smoked picture of Saint Jerome, an inheritance from 
 her grandmother, which hung over her bed, and to 
 which she and her children offered up their pious 
 prayers. As they were accustomed to do, they me- 
 chanically raised up their little hands when Saint 
 Jerome was put up, and the tears of the mother 
 flowed abundantly. A painter, who was present, ex- 
 amined the picture a considerable time, and at last 
 bid a dollar. Another connoisseur doubled the 
 bidding. The painter, to alarm his rival, at once 
 immediately rose to a louis d'or, but the connoisseur 
 said, without pondering, "Twenty-five guilders." 
 w Fifty," answered the painter. " A hundred," re- 
 plied the connoisseur. The astonishment and joy 
 of the poor woman may be well conceived, who not 
 only saw all her debts paid by the little Jerome, 
 
84 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 but a considerable overplus remaining. She could 
 scarcely believe her ears, when she heard that the 
 two connoisseurs still kept out-bidding each other ; 
 and the painter first was silent at an offer of six 
 hundred guilders. " You are fortunate," said he, 
 after the painting was knocked down to his rival, 
 " you are fortunate, sir, in being richer than I am ; j 
 otherwise you would hot have had it under a thou- 
 sand." It was an original of Raphael's. 
 
 Extraordinary Perseverance. — A Curious 
 Typographical Anecdote, 
 
 The Rev. William Cary, curate of Lastleigh, in 
 Devonshire, completed, in the year 1809, a work, 
 entitled " A System of Divinity," which extends to 
 twenty-six volumes. He first attempted to publish 
 it by subscription, but not succeeding, he formed the 
 singular resolution of printing it by his own hand 
 labour. To effect this, he purchased as many worn- 
 out and cast-off types, of a country printer, as were 
 sufficient to set up two pages, and made a press for 
 himself. With these materials he went to work in 
 1795, performing every operation himself, and work- 
 ing off page by page. He struck off forty copies of 
 the first three hundred pages, twenty-six of which 
 he distributed among the universities, the bishops, 
 the Royal Society, and the reviewers. Disappointed 
 at not receiving the encouragement he expected 
 from this proceeding, he resolved to spare himself 
 any further expense of paper upon those before 
 whom he had thrown pearls in vain ; and as he had 
 only reserved fourteen copies of the forty with which 
 he had commenced, fourteen only he continued to 
 print ; at the end of twelve years of unremitting toil, 
 he finished the whole twenty-six volumes ; a rare 
 inorceau for the bibliomaniacs of the next century ! 
 
THE WORLDS JEST-BOOK. 85 
 
 A parallel to the above is to be found in Fransham, 
 the Norwich Pagan, who died in 1811. He one day 
 made this remark, " Every man has some great ob- 
 ject which he wishes to accomplish, and why should 
 not I have mine % I will choose such an one as no 
 mortal being ever yet chose ; I will get a cup and 
 ball, and I will catch the ball on the spiked emd, 
 66Q,66Q times." And this he actually accomplished ! 
 
 The Masquerade Dress. 
 
 A gentleman, who, on account of his ugliness, 
 was called Cupid, had the evil custom of still more 
 disfiguring his grotesque person, by a striking 
 negligence in his clothes and linen. 
 
 One day he had a desire of going to the mas- 
 querade, and asked the advice of a friend, how he 
 should disguise himself, so that no one might know 
 him. " Nothing in the world can be more easy," re- 
 plied the latter, "put on clean linen." 
 
 Too keen for the Lawyer. 
 
 A highwayman meeting a counsellor in his cha- 
 riot on the Surrey-road, presented a blunderbuss, and 
 demanded his money, with the usual compliment. 
 The gentleman readily surrendered about sixty 
 guineas, but kindly told the thief, that, for his own 
 safety, he had better put the robbery on the footing 
 of an exchange, by selling him the blunderbuss 
 for what he had just taken from him. "With all 
 *ny heart," said the highwayman, and gave it to the 
 advocate, who immediately turned the muzzle, and 
 told him "that, if he did not re-deliver his purse, he 
 would shoot him." " That you may do if you can," 
 replied Turpin, " for I promise you it is not loaded," 
 and rode off very coolly with his booty. 
 
86 WIT AND WISDOM ■ OK, 
 
 An III Wind. 
 
 The late Sir William Yorke was famous for the 
 keenness of his wit ; he was likewise so remarkable 
 for the foulness of his breath, that he was commonly 
 called the Bug. Coming into the Smyrna coffee- 
 house one day, after a ride, he complained bitterly 
 of the north wind, as it blew in his face all the way 
 home. " Then, Sir William," said Colonel Cutwell, 
 who sat next him, " the north wind had the worst 
 of it." 
 
 Anecdote of the late Mr. Justice Park. 
 
 When the late Mr. Justice Park was at Harrow- 
 gate a year or two ago, he had occasion to write to 
 town. Before dating his letter, remembering that 
 Harrowgate is spelt both with and without the w 9 
 he called the waiter, and, in his usual hesitating 
 
 manner, said, " Pray, waiter, is there — a — w in 
 
 Harrowgate V "Oh sir," said the moral waiter, 
 astounded at such a query from a grave old gentle- 
 man ; " Oh, sir, we never allow any such doings in 
 this house V 9 
 
 Not Dead, but Speechless. 
 
 Two Irishmen went a little way into the country 
 to see some of their friends, and drinking too freely, 
 they were much in liquor. Their friends would fain 
 have persuaded them to stay all night, but they 
 were determined to go home. They set out accor- 
 dingly ; but, before they had got a mile, one of them 
 took a reel, and fell flounce into a ditch. The other 
 hearing him fall, called out, "Patrick, if you are 
 dead tell me !" " No, honey," says Patriek, ' ** I am 
 not dead, but I'm quite speechless." 
 
the world's jest-book. 87 
 
 The Jury Puzzled. 
 
 A lawyer, who some years ago was distinguished 
 by the epithet of the extraordinary special pleader, 
 and was afterwards raised to the peerage, is said to 
 have received the sum of £20,000 in one single 
 cause, the defence of a young lady of rank, who 
 was indicted for child murder. The principal evi- 
 dence was a female accoucher, who had been forcibly 
 carried to the lady's house blind-folded. She swore 
 that her guide forded a river twice in going to the 
 house where her assistance was wanted ; " When," 
 said the lawyer, " it was known that there was but 
 one straight river between the houses ; and suppos- 
 ing the guide, in order to deceive the midwife, 
 should have made a wheel round to pass it again, 
 she must then have forded a third time." The 
 ingenuity of this remark so completely puzzled the 
 jury, that they acquitted the prisoner without going 
 out of court. 
 
 Curious Bargain. 
 
 A witty knave coming into a lace-shop upon 
 Ludgate-hill, said he had occasion for a small 
 quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched upon 
 that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how 
 much she would have for as much as could reach 
 from one of his ears to the other, and measure 
 which way she pleased, either over his head or un- 
 der his chin. After some words, they agreed, and 
 he paid the money down, and began to measure, 
 saying, "One of my ears is here, and the other is 
 nailed to the pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you 
 have not enough to make good your largain; 
 however, I will take this piece in part, and de- 
 sire you will provide the rest with all expedition." 
 
88 WIT AND TffTSDOM ; OR, 
 
 Punctuality, 
 
 Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on business till 
 about eighty years of age. He was one of the most 
 celebrated characters in this kingdom for punctuality, 
 and, by his methodical conduct, joined to uniform 
 diligence, he gradually amassed a large fortune. 
 For a long series of years, the proprietor of every 
 inn he frequented in Devon and Cornwall knew the 
 day, and the very hour, he would arrive. A short 
 time before he died, a gentleman, on a journey in 
 Cornwall, stopped at a small inn at Port Isaac to 
 dine. The waiter presented him with a bill of fare, 
 winch he did not approve of ; but observed a fine 
 duck roasting, " I'll have that," said the traveller. 
 u You cannot, sir," said the landlord, " it is for Mr. 
 Scott, of Exeter." " I know Mr. Scott very well," 
 rejoined the gentleman ; "he is not in your house." 
 " True, sir," said the landlord, "but six months ago, 
 when he was here last, he ordered a duck to be ready 
 for him this day, precisely at two o'clock ,•" and to 
 the astonishment of the traveller, he saw the old 
 gentleman on his Rosinante jogging into the inn 
 yard about five minutes before the appointed time. 
 
 Sir R. Sutton and the King of Prussia. 
 
 Some repartees, if, strictly speaking, they are not 
 to be brought under the head of jests, yet, for the 
 readiness of the thought, and the politeness of the 
 expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was 
 the answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late 
 King of Prussia, on his asking him at a review of 
 his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal number 
 of Englishmen could beat them ? "No, sir," answered 
 Sir Robert, " I won't pretend to say that, but I be- 
 lieve half tlie number would try." 
 
THfi if VR.LD S JEST-BOOK. 89 
 
 Spanish Gallantry, 
 
 Queen Elizabeth having taken notice of the Duke 
 de Villa Medina's gallant behaviour at a tournament, 
 told him one day that she would absolutely know 
 who his mistress was. Villa Medina excused him- 
 self awhile, but at last yieldiDg to her curiosity, he 
 promised to send her her picture. The next morn- 
 ing he sent her majesty a packet, wherein the queen 
 finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently 
 understood the Spaniard's meaning. It must needs 
 be confessed that this was a very ingenious contri- 
 vance ; and there's no question but this great and 
 witty princess, who was so well pleased to be ac- 
 counted beautiful, was well enough satisfied at this 
 dumb declaration of love. 
 
 An unpleasant Bed-fellow. 
 
 A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an 
 inn together. The weather being rather warm, the 
 Scotchman in his sleep put his leg out of the bed. 
 A traveller, in passing the room door, saw him in 
 this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, gently 
 fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel, who, drawing his 
 leg into the bed, so disturbed his companion that he 
 exclaimed, " Arrah, honey, have a care of your 
 great toe, for you have forgot to cut your nails I be- 
 laiv." The Scotchman being sound asleep, and 
 sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other 
 companions, still kept scratching poor Pat, till his 
 patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing 
 Sawney, who, not a little surprised at finding the 
 spur on his heel, loudly exclaimed, " Deil take the 
 daft chiel of an ostler, he's ta'en my boots off last 
 night, and left on the spur.'* 
 
90 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR^ 
 
 Fortunate Escape. 
 
 Of all the disinterested professors I have ever 
 heard of, I take the boatswain of Dampier's ship to 
 be the most impudent, but the most excusable. You 
 are to know that, in the wild researches that naviga- 
 tor was making, they happened to be out at sea, far 
 distant from any shore, in want of all the necessaries 
 of life ; insomuch, that they began to look, not with- 
 out hunger, on each other. The boatswain was a 
 fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes of 
 the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity all 
 forms of superiority were laid aside. The captain 
 and lieutenant were safe only by being carrion ; and 
 the unhappy boatswain in danger only by being 
 worth eating. To be short, the company were unan- 
 imous, and the boatswain must be cut up. He 
 saw their intention, and desired he might speak 
 a few words before they proceeded, which being per- 
 mitted, he delivered himself as follows : — " Gentle- 
 men sailors, far be it that I should speak it for any 
 private interest of my own, but I take it that I 
 should not die with a good conscience if I did not 
 confess to you that I am not sound. I say, gentle- 
 men, justice, and the testimony of a good conscience, 
 as well as love of my country, to which I hope you 
 will all return, oblige me to own that black Kate of 
 Deptford has made me very unfit to eat ; and I 
 speak it with shame, I am afraid, gentlemen, I shall 
 poison you." The speech had a good effect in the 
 boatswain's favour ; but the surgeon of the ship pro- 
 tested he had cured him very well, and offered to 
 eat the first steak himself. The boatswain replied 
 (like an orator, with a true notion of the people, and 
 in hopes to gain time), that he was heartily glad if 
 he could be for their service, and thanked the aur- 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 01 
 
 geon for his information. "However," said he, fc I 
 must inform you for your own good that I have ever 
 since my cure been very thirsty and dropsical; 
 therefore I promise it will be much better to tap me, 
 and drink me off than eat me at once, and have no 
 man in the ship fit to be drank afterwards." As he 
 was going on with his harangue, a fresh gale arose, 
 and gave the crew hopes of a better repast at the 
 nearest shore, to which they arrived next morning. 
 
 Fair and Reasonable. 
 
 A worthy old gentleman in the country having 
 employed an attorney, of whom he had a pretty 
 good opinion, to do some law business for him in 
 London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to 
 town, and demanding his bill of law charges, to find 
 that it amounted to at least three times the sum he 
 expected ; the honest attorney assured him that there 
 was no article in his bill but what was fair and rea- 
 sonable. "Nay," said the country gentleman, "there's 
 one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have 
 set down three shillings and fourpence for going to 
 Southwark, when none of my business lay that way ; 
 pray, what is the meaning of that, sir ?" " Oh sir," 
 said he, " that was for fetching the chine and turkey 
 from the carrier's that you sent me for a present 
 out of the country." 
 
 The Gallant Writing Master. 
 
 A writing master, in Islington, having engaged 
 the affections of a female scholar, with a fortune of 
 £20,000, led her to the Hymeneal altar. A few 
 days previous he had been asked by her guardian 
 how miss came on in her writing ? To this the mas- 
 ter gravely replied, " Vastly well, indeed, sir, I 
 shall soon have her in joining-hand" 
 
92 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Dr. Busby and his Pupil. 
 A scholar of Dr. Busby's coming into a parlour 
 where the doctor had laid down a fine bunch of 
 grapes for his own eating, takes them up, and says 
 aloud, " I publish the banns between these grapes 
 and my mouth ; if any one knows any just cause or 
 impediment why these two should not be joined to- 
 gether, let them declare it." The doctor being but 
 in the next room, overheard all that was said, and 
 «oming into the school, he ordered the boy who had 
 eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, 
 horsed on another boy's back, but before he proceded 
 to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the 
 delinquent had done, "I publish the banns between 
 my rod and this boy's breech, if any one knows any 
 just cause or impediment why these two should not 
 be joined together, let them declare it." " I forbid 
 the banns," cried the boy. " Why so !" said the 
 doctor, " Because the parties are not agreed," re- 
 plied the boy. Which answer so pleased the doctor, 
 who loved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, 
 that he ordered the boy to be set down. 
 
 Noble Blood. 
 A nobleman of the thick blood of the Irish nation, 
 paid his addresses to the daughter of a friend, who 
 valued money more than ancestry ; the old gentle- 
 man hinted to his Lordship that he supposed his 
 fortune was equivalent to his daughter's ? " Why 
 no, sir," replied his lordship, " I cannot say 'tis al- 
 together so considerable ; but then you know, sir, 
 there is my blood. 1 ' " Your blood !" returns the 
 gentleman ; " if you squander my daughter's fortune 
 away, she must not depend on your blood for a sub- 
 sistence ; a hog's blood would be of more service then 
 and would make much better puddings." 
 
the world's jest-book. 98 
 
 A Counsellor silenced. 
 
 The veteran counsellor Caldbeck, one day cross- 
 examining a country fellow, as a witness, asked him 
 in several ways what he thought a particular person 
 to be, from his own knowledge, hearsay, or belief ; 
 but could extract no other answer than that " he did 
 not know, and could not tell." "Come, fellow," 
 said the counsellor, " answer me on your oath ; what 
 would you take me to be if you did not actually know 
 my person, and should meet me in the street ?" 
 "Why then," says the fellow, "since you ask me, I 
 will tell you, sir. By vartue of my oath, if you had 
 not that wig and gown upon you, I should take you 
 for a little ould pedlar ;" (a palpable hit.) The 
 learned counsellor was silenced. 
 
 A Pun for the Fishes. 
 
 It was said that a fishmonger had discovered a 
 new mode of opening oysters ; on hearing which a 
 person observed, "No doubt then it will astonish the 
 natives" 
 
 Law. 
 
 To him that goes to law, nine things are requisite : 
 in the first place, a good deal of money — secondly, a 
 great deal of patience — thirdly, a good cause — 
 fourthly, a good attorney — fifthly, a good counsel — 
 sixthly, good evidence — seventhly, a good jury — 
 eighthly, a good judge — and, ninthly, good luck. 
 
 A Cockney's Pun. 
 
 A Londoner told his friend he was going to Mar- 
 gate for a change of hair, u You had better," said 
 the other, " go to the wig-maker's shop." 
 
94 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Singularity of Two Brothers. 
 
 In a manuscript in one of the libraries of Paris, 
 we are told the Count de Ligniville, and Count 
 d* Autricourt, twins, descended from an ancient family 
 in Loraine, resembled each other so much that when 
 they put on the same kind of dress, which they did 
 now and then for amusement, their servants could 
 not distinguish the one from the other. Their voice, 
 gait, and deportment the same, and these marks of 
 resemblance were so perfect, that they often threw 
 their friends, and even their wives, into the greatest 
 embarrassments. Being both captains of light horse, 
 the one would put himself at the head of the other's 
 squadron, without the officers ever suspecting the 
 change. Count d' Autricourt having committed some 
 crime, the Count de Ligniville never suffered his 
 brother to go out without accompanying him, and the 
 fear of seizing the innocent instead of the guilty, 
 rendered the orders to arrest the former of no avaiL 
 One day, Count de Ligniville sent for a barber, and 
 after having suffered him to shave one half of his 
 beard, he pretended to have occasion to go into the 
 next apartment, and putting his night-gown upon 
 his brother, who was concealed there, and tucking 
 the cloth which he had about his neck under his 
 chin, made him sit down in the place which he had 
 just quitted. The barber immediately resumed his 
 operation, and was proceeding to finish what he had 
 begun, as he supposed, but, to his great astonishment, 
 J found that a new beard ^ad sprung up. Not 
 doubting that the person under his hands was the 
 <fcvil, he roared out with terror, and sunk down in 
 a swoon on the floor. Whilst they were endeavouring 
 to call him to life, Count d* Autricourt retired again 
 to the closet^ and count de Ligniville, who was half 
 
1HB WORLDS JEST-BOOK. 95 
 
 shaved, returned to his former place. This was a 
 new cause of surprise to the poor barber, who now 
 imagined that all he had seen was a dream, and he 
 could not be convinced of the truth until he beheld 
 the two brothers together. The sympathy that 
 subsisted between the two brothers was not less sin- 
 gular than their resemblance. If one fell sick, the 
 other was indisposed also ; if one received a wound, 
 the other felt pain ; and this was the case with every 
 misfortune that befel them, so that on this account 
 they watched each other's conduct with the greatest 
 care and attention. But what is still more astonish- 
 ing they both often had the same dreams. The day 
 that Count d'Autricourt was attacked in France by 
 the fever of which he died, Count de Ligniville was 
 attacked by the same in Bavaria, and was near sink- 
 ing under it. 
 
 A Duel prevented. 
 A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so 
 far engaged in an affair of honour as to be drawn to 
 Hyde Park to fight a duel ; but just as he came to 
 the Porter's Lodge an empty hearse came by ; oa 
 which his lordship's antagonist, who was a droll 
 officer, well known, called out to the driver, " Stop 
 here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send 
 you a fare." This operated so strongly on his 
 lordship's nerves that he begged the officer's par- 
 don, and returned home in a whole skin. 
 
 A Dainty Dish. 
 Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV., 
 at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The 
 king, who was fond of his acting, said, u Give that 
 dish to Dominico." " And the partridges, too, sire I" 
 Louis, penetrating into the artfulness of the question, 
 " and the partridges too." The dish was gold. 
 
96 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Sad Blunders. 
 
 During the reign of James II., when the king was 
 much disliked for his oppression, and the number 
 of taxes imposed upon the people, his majesty, in 
 the progress of a tour, stopped at Winchelsea, when 
 the corporation resolved to address him ; but, as 
 the mayor did not possess much literature, it was 
 settled that the town-clerk should be his prompter. 
 Being introduced to the presence of the king, the 
 town-clerk whispered to the trembling mayor, 
 " Hold up your head, and look like a man." His 
 worship, mistaking this for the beginning of a 
 speech, repeated aloud to the king, * Hold up your 
 head, and look like a man." The town-clerk, in 
 amaze, again whispered him, * What do you mean 
 by this, sir ?" The mayor, in the same manner, 
 repeated, " What do you mean by this, sir ?** The 
 town-clerk, alarmed, whispered still more earnestly, 
 " I tell you, sir, you'll ruin us all." The mayor, 
 still imagining this to be part of his speech, conclu- 
 ded his matchless performance with, " / tell you, 
 sir, you'll ruin us all." 
 
 Military Rhetoric. 
 
 That sort is best which is most reasonable and 
 catching. An instance we have in that old com- 
 mander at Cadiz, who proved a good orator. Being 
 to say something to his soldiers, (which he was not 
 used to do,) he made them a speech to this pur- 
 pose : " What a shame would it be, you English- 
 men, that feed upon good beef and beer, to let those 
 rascally Spaniards, that eat nothing but oranges and 
 lemons, beat you." And thus he put more courage 
 into his men than he could have done by a learned 
 oration* 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 97 
 
 A Matrimonial Case. 
 My lord and his lady scold, wrangle and fight, 
 Yet are both of one mind, and are both in the right ; 
 She calls him a fool ; he knows he's not wise ; 
 He calls her a w , and she can't say he lies. 
 
 Fashionable Manner of Behaving like a Gentleman, 
 
 The old Duchess of Gordon was a singular speci- 
 men oi address, wit, and pleasant feeling. Her 
 I daughter that married the Duke of Richmond was 
 brought to bed " in due season." Charles Fox com- 
 plimented her on the birth of her grandson, adding, 
 "they have not been long about making him." 
 I Why, truly not," replied her grace, " I kept count, 
 and my daughter was delivered exactly nine months 
 from the hour they came together : Lord Lennox 
 has, as I always said he would, behaved quite like a 
 gentleman on this occasion." 
 
98 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 An Emperor's Dream, 
 
 The emperor Charles V. having one day lost him- 
 self in the heat of the chase, and wandered in the 
 forest far from his train, after much fatigue in try- 
 ing to find a route, came at last to a solitary hedge 
 ale-house, where he entered to refresh himself. On 
 coming in, he saw four men, whose mien presaged 
 him no good ; he however sat down and called for 
 something. These men, pretending to sleep, one of 
 them rose, and, approaching the emperor, said, he 
 had dreamt that he took his hat : and accordingly 
 took it off. The second saying, he had dreamt he 
 had taken his coat, took that also. The third, with 
 a like prologue, took his waistcoat. And the fourth, 
 with much politeness, said, he hoped there would be 
 no objection to his feeling his pockets ; and seeing 
 a chain of gold about his neck, whence hung his 
 hunting-horn, was about to take that too. But the 
 emperor said, " Stop, my friend, I dare say you 
 cannot blow it ; T will teach you." So, putting the 
 horn to his mouth, he blew repeatedly, and very 
 loud. His people, who searched for him, heard the 
 sound, and entering the cottage, were surprised to 
 see him in such a garb. " Here are four fellows," 
 said the emperor, "who have dreamt what they 
 please : I must also dream in my turn." Sitting 
 down, and shutting his eyes a little while, he then 
 started up, saying, " I have dreamt that I saw four 
 thieves hanged ;" and immediately ordered hia 
 dream to be fulfilled, the master of the inn being 
 compelled to be their executioner. 
 
 Discontent and Ingratitude. 
 
 * When I give away a place," said Louis XIV, "I 
 
 make a hundred discontented, and one ungrateful." 
 
the world's jest-book. 99 
 
 Precedence. 
 
 A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about 
 precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in 
 favour of the lawyer, in these terms : " Let the 
 thief go before, and the executioner follow" 
 
 Hanging preferred to Browning. 
 
 Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the re- 
 bellion of 1798, the gallows was erected over the 
 margin of a river. When the first man was drawn 
 up the rope gave way, he fell mto the stream, and 
 escaped by swimming. The remaining culprit, 
 looking up to the executioner, said, with genuine 
 native simplicity, and an earnestness that evinced 
 his sincerity, " Do, good Mr. Ketch, if you please, 
 tie me up tight, for, if the rope breaks, I'm sure to 
 be drowned, for I can't swim a stroke." 
 
 Strong Testimony. 
 
 A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his 
 drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its 
 success, was interrupted by an old woman, who as- 
 serted rather sVem-ically, that she had seen it draw 
 out of a door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied 
 the united efforts of two of the strongest black- 
 smiths in the couDtry, with their hammers and pin- 
 cers. 
 
 The Quaker and Parson. 
 
 A quaker, that was a barber, being sued by the 
 parson for tithes, Yea and Nay went to him, and 
 demanded the reason why he troubled him, as he 
 had never any dealing with him in his whole life : 
 « Why," said the parson, " it is for tithes." u For 
 
100 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 tithes," said the quaker, " I pr'ythee, friend, upon 
 what account ?" " Why," says the parson, " for 
 preaching in the church." " Alas, then," replied 
 the quaker, " I have nothing to pay thee ; for I come 
 not there." " Oh, but you might," says the parson, 
 "for the doors are always open at convenient 
 times ;" and, thereupon, said he would be paid, 
 seeing it was his due. Yea and Nay hereupon 
 shook his head, and making several wry faces, de- 
 parted, and immediately entered his action (it being 
 a corporation town) against the parson for forty 
 shillings. The parson, upon notice of this, came to 
 him, and very hotly demanded why he put such a 
 disgrace upon him, and for what he owed him the 
 money \ " Truly, friend," replied the quaker, "for 
 trimming." " For trimming !" said the parson, 
 " why, I was never trimmed by you in my life." 
 " Oh ! but thou might'st have come and been trim- 
 med, if thou had'st pleased, for my doors are 
 always open at convenient times, as well as thine." 
 
 Cunning of a Country Girl. 
 Miss Cully, daughter of the amazing rich Nor- 
 thumbrian grazier of that name, eloped with a poor 
 curate. She was pursued and taken before they 
 could reach Gretna Green. After being locked up 
 for three months, it was announced to her father 
 by her nurse and attendants, that she was "in the 
 way that all women wish to be who love their 
 lords." He sent for the curate, who refused to 
 marry her unless £20,000 was paid him down. The 
 unhappy father complied, and the day after 
 
 " A consummation devoutly to he wished" 
 the bride appeared as taper as a leek, and the pro- 
 minence before had faded away ; in fact, the old 
 man was hoaxed, and upbraided his daughter 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 101 
 
 severely for deceiving him. She silenced him with 
 " What, sir, would you prefer your daughter as a 
 strumpet, to being a virtuous woman \ If so, I'll 
 instruct my sister how. to act so as to please you." 
 
 Whimsical Notice. 
 
 A grocer, in Dublin, announces in the papers of 
 that city, that he has whiskey on sale which was 
 drunk by his Majesty while he was in Ireland. 
 
 A Wounded Tar Speculating. 
 
 At the battle of the Nile, a sailor had his leg 
 struck off by a cannon shot ; he raised himself up, 
 and looking at the stump, exclaimed coolly, " Ah ! 
 that's eighteen-pence a* day for me ; curse you, 
 master mounseer, you might as well have taken it 
 off above the knee when you were at it, and then I 
 should either have had two shillings or Greenwich. 
 Fire away boys, and revenge the loss of my timber." 
 
 Anecdote of Louis XIV. 
 
 While the Edystone light-house was erecting, a 
 French privateer took the men upon the rock, to- 
 gether with their tools, and carried them to France ; 
 and the captain was in expectation of a reward for 
 the achievement. While the captives lay in prison, 
 the transaction reached the ears of Louis XIV., 
 when he immediately ordered them to be released, 
 and the captors put in their places — declaring, that 
 " though he was at war with England, he was not 
 so with all mankind." He directed the men to be 
 sent back to their work, with presents ; observing, 
 (i that the Edystone light-house was so situated as 
 to be of equal service to all nations having occasion 
 to navigate the channel between England and 
 France." 
 
1 02 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Anecdote of G. A. Stevens. 
 
 When George Alexander Stevens was a first ac- 
 tor in the Norwich company, he performed the part 
 of Horatio, in the " Fair Penitent." The Calista 
 was a Mrs. B , who had been long the celebra- 
 ted heroine in tragedy, and the lady in high life in 
 
 comedy. Mrs. B , in her decline, sacrificed too 
 
 often to the intoxicating god. In proportion as the 
 action of the play advanced towards a conclusion, 
 by endeavouring to raise her spirits with a cheerful 
 glass, she became totally unfit to represent the cha- 
 racter. In her last scene of Calista, it was so long 
 before she died, that George, after giving her several 
 gentle hints, cried out, 6i Why don't you die, you 
 
 ?" She retorted, as loud as she could, " You 
 
 robbed the Bristol mail, you dog I" This spirited 
 dialogue so diverted the audience, that much clap- 
 ping ensued. The manager seeing no end of this 
 merry business, dropped the curtain, and put an end 
 to the tumult. 
 
 Acquaintance Claimed. 
 
 One Captam Broughton, who lived by his wits, 
 visiting a friend in the Tower, about dinner time, 
 his friend being absent, in his walk saw divers dishes 
 of meat, and bottles of wine, carrying up to a lord's 
 lodging, and immediately after followed the guests, 
 among whom the captain puts in, and sits down to 
 dinner, where he ate and drank freely ; but the lord 
 had often an eye upon this stranger, and seeing him 
 very familiar, after dinner he inquired of his guests 
 whose relation he was, which the captain hearing, 
 boldly salutes him in these words : " My lord, do 
 you not know me ?" " No, indeed, " said the lord. 
 Quoth the captain, a Sure you do, my lord, for you 
 
the world's jest-book/ 103 
 
 and I have been in all the prisons in England." 
 "How!" said my lord, "I never was in any hut 
 this of the Tower in my life." " True, my lord," 
 answered the captain, "and I have been in all the 
 rest." At which my lord and the company laughed 
 heartily. 
 
 The Complaisant Painter. 
 
 Vigee, taking the portrait of a lady, perceived 
 that when he was working at her mouth she was 
 twisting her features in order to render it smaller, 
 and putting her lips into the most extreme con- 
 traction. " Do not trouble yourself so much, ma- 
 dam," exclaimed the painter, " for, if you choose, I 
 will draw you without any mouth at all." 
 
 An Honest Confession, 
 
 On a time a bill was brought into the House of 
 Assembly at Jamaica, for regulating wharfingers. 
 Mr. Paul Phipps, who was a distinguished member, 
 rose and said, "Mr. Speaker, I very much approve 
 of the bill, the wharfingers are all a set of knaves, 
 / was one myself ten years /" 
 
 The Irishman's Triumph. 
 
 An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near 
 the Seven Dials, and underneath was wrote, A. Moon, 
 the man's name who kept it being Aaron Moon. 
 The Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just 
 cause for triumph, roars out to his companion, 
 " Only see, Phelim ! see here ! they talk of the 
 Irish bulls ; only do but see, now ! here's a fellow 
 puts up the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon" 
 
104 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Black-Eyed Susan. ■ 
 
 Gay wrote this well-known ballad upon Mrs. 
 Montford, a celebrated actress, contemporary with 
 Gibber. After her retirement from the stage, love, 
 and the ingratitude of a bosom friend, deprived her 
 of her senses, and she was placed in a receptacle 
 for lunatics. One day, during a lucid interval, she 
 asked her attendant what play was to be performed 
 that evening, and was told that it was Hamlet : in 
 this tragedy, whilst on the stage, she had ever been 
 received with rapture in Ophelia. The recollection 
 struck her, and with that cunning which is so often 
 allied to insanity, she eluded the care of the keepers, 
 got to the theatre, and concealed herself until the 
 scene in which Ophelia enters in her insane state ; 
 she then pushed on the stage before the lady who 
 had performed the previous part of the character 
 could come on, and exhibited a more perfect repre- 
 sentation of madness than the utmost exertions of 
 mimic art could effect. She was, in truth, Ophelia 
 herself, to the amazement of the performers, and 
 the astonishment of the audience. Nature having 
 made this last effort, her vital powers failed her. 
 On going off, she exclaimed, " It is all over !" She 
 was immediately conveyed back to her late place of 
 security, and in a few days after — 
 
 " Like a lily drooping, 
 Bowed her head and died." 
 
 Stocks too Low. 
 
 A wag, passing through a country town, observed 
 a fellow placed in the stocks. "My friend," said 
 he, " 1 advise you by all means to sell out." " I 
 should have no objection, your honour," he replied 
 drily, " but at present they seem too low" 
 
the world's jest-book. 105 
 
 The two Mr. Smith's. 
 
 James Smith, one of the authors of the " Rejected 
 A ddr esses" is not only a wit but an attorney, and 
 he dwells or dwelt in Austin-friars. Now, it so 
 happened, that another James Smith, solicitor, 
 came to dwell in the same building, in Austin-friars, 
 with our friend the parodist ; and the consequences 
 of two James Smiths, attorneys, of No. — , may be 
 easily conjectured. Letters, messages, papers of all 
 kinds, were continually going astray, and the con- 
 fusion was most amazing. At last, one morning, 
 James Smith, the new comer, made his appearance 
 in the chambers of his namesake with an open letter 
 in his hand. " This, sir," said he, " I find is in- 
 tended for you. It is a confidential letter, but 
 I have read it from beginning to end." " You made 
 a mistake of the same kind a few days ago, and it is 
 most unpleasant." " I really can see no remedy 
 for this confusion, but that one or other of us should 
 leave the building." " I agree with you," said our 
 James ; u and you, of course, must be the man to 
 leave." " I do not see why it should be me, and 
 not you," was the answer. " Because, my dear fel- 
 low," replied the wit, "you are here James the 
 second, and therefore should abdicate." 
 
 The Grocer of Smyrna'; or; Impartial Justice. 
 
 A grocer of Smyrna had a son, who with the help 
 of the little learning that country afforded, obtained 
 the post of Naib, that is deputy of the Cadi, and as 
 such, visited the markets, and inspected the weights 
 and measures of all who sold by retail. As he was 
 one day executing his office, the neighbours, who 
 were sufficiently acquainted with his father's cha- 
 racter, to know that it was necessary for him to be 
 
106 WIT and wisdom; or, 
 
 cautious, advised him to conceal the weights .he 
 commonly used, and replace them with others that 
 would bear the strictest scrutiny. But the grocer 
 smiled at their advice, and depending on his re- 
 lation to the inspector, whom he thought would 
 never expose him to a public affront, stood very 
 carelessly at his shop-door, waiting for his coming. 
 
 The Naib, who had abundant reason to suspect 
 the dishonest practices of his father, was deter- 
 mined not to spare him, but to detect his villany, 
 and make him an example of public justice. Ac- 
 cordingly, he stopped at his door, and said to him, 
 ci Bring out your weights that we may examine 
 them." The grocer, instead of obeying, endea- 
 voured to turn it off with a smile ; but was soon 
 convinced that his son was in earnest, by hearing 
 him order the officers to search his shop, and seeing 
 them produce the instruments of his fraud, which, 
 after the most impartial examination, were con- 
 demned and broken to pieces. Counfounded at 
 such unexpected proceedings, he stood motionless, 
 but hoped the public shame he had suffered would 
 plead sufficiently with his son, to remit all further 
 punishment of his crime. In this, however, he was 
 mistaken ; the Naib rendered it as severe as for the 
 most indifferent offender, sentencing him to a fine 
 of fifty piastres, and to receive a bastinado of as 
 many blows on the soles of the feet. 
 
 The whole sentence was immediately executed ; 
 after which, the Naib, leaping from his horse, threw 
 himself at his feet, and wetting them with his tears, 
 thus addressed him : u Father, I have discharged 
 my duty to my God, my sovereign, my country, and 
 my station ; permit me now, by my respect and 
 submission,' to pay the debt I owe to a parent. 
 Justice 13 blind : it is the power of God upon earth : 
 
the world's jest-book. 107 
 
 it has no regard to father or son. God and our 
 neighbour's rights are above the ties of nature. 
 You had offended against the laws of justice : you 
 deserved this punishment : you would in the end 
 have received it from some other hand. I am 
 sorry it was your fate to receive it from me. My 
 conscience would not suffer me to act otherwise. 
 Behave better for the future, and, instead of blaming, 
 pity my being reduced to so cruel a necessity." 
 
 After saying these words, he again mounted his 
 horse, and continued his journey amidst the accla- 
 mations of the whole city, for so remarkable a piece 
 of justice. Nor did he lose his reward : the Sultan, 
 who was soon informed of it, raised him to the post 
 of Cadi, and afterwards to the dignity of Mufti ; in 
 which high office he continued the guardian of their 
 laws, and the favourite of his country. 
 
 How to Raise the Rent. 
 
 A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was 
 thus accosted by his landlord : " John, I am going 
 to raise your rent." John replied, " Sir, I am very 
 much obliged to you, for I cannot, raise it myself." 
 
 An Embarrassment. 
 
 Notwithstanding Lord Rochester was the most 
 debauched and impudent nobleman of his time, and 
 though he had exhibited as a mountebank on Tower- 
 hill, yet he had not confidence enough to speak 
 in the house of peers. One day making an attempt, 
 he gave a true picture of this defect. " My lords," 
 said he, "I rise this time — My lords, I mean to 
 divide this discourse into four branches — My lords, 
 if ever I attempt to branch in this house again, I'll 
 give you leave to. cut me off root and branch for 
 ever." 
 
108 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR: 
 
 An Irish Negro. 
 
 A negro, from Montserrat, where the Hiberno- 
 Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to be on 
 the wharf at Philadelphia, when a number of Irish 
 emigrants were landed ; and seeing one of them 
 with a wife and four children, he stepped forward 
 to assist the family on shore. The Irishman, in his 
 native tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility 
 of the negro ; who, understanding what had been 
 said, replied, in Irish, that he need not be aston- 
 ished, for he was a bit of an Irishman himself. The 
 Irishman, surprised to hear a black man speak his 
 dialect, it entered his mind, with the usual rapidity 
 of the Irish fancy, that he really was as Irishman, 
 but that the climate had, no doubt, changed his 
 complexion. " If I may be so bold, sir," said he, 
 " may I ask you how long you have been in this 
 country ?" The negro-man, who had only come 
 hither on a voyage, said, he had been in Philadel- 
 phia only about four months. Poor Patrick turned 
 round to his wife and children, and looking as if for 
 the last time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that 
 in four months they must also change their com- 
 plexions, exclaimed, " Merciful Powers ! Judy, 
 did you hear that ? he has not been more than four 
 months in this country, and he is already almost as 
 black as jet." 
 
 The Good-for-nothing Preacher. 
 
 Two reverend gentlemen who were conversing 
 together, one complained to the other that he found 
 it a great hardship to preach twice a-week. "Well," 
 said the other, " I preach twice on a Sunday and 
 make notfimg of it /" 
 
the world's jest-eook. 109 
 
 Scarce Articles. 
 
 George the First, on a journey to Hanover, 
 stopped at a village in Holland, and while the 
 horses were getting ready, he asked for two or three 
 eggs, which were brought him, and charged two 
 hundred florins. " How is this ?" said his majesty, 
 " eggs must be very scarce in this place." "Pardon 
 me," said the host, a eggs are plentiful enough, but 
 kings are scarce." The king smiled, and ordered 
 the money to be paid. 
 
 Nautical Sermon 
 
 When Whitfield preached before the seamen at 
 New York, he had the following bold apostrophe in 
 his sermon : — 
 
 " Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are 
 making fine headway over a smooth sea, before a 
 light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. 
 But what means this sudden lowering of the Hea- 
 vens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the 
 western horizon % Hark ! don't you hear distant 
 thunder ? Don't you see those flashes of lightning ? 
 There is a storm gathering ! Every man to his 
 duty ! How the waves rise and dash against the 
 ship ! The air is dark ! The tempest rages ! Our 
 masts are gone ! The ship is on her beam ends ! 
 What next !" 
 
 It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of 
 former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power 
 of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and 
 exclaimed, c Take to the long boat. 9 
 
 Money Lenders. 
 Dr. Arbuthnot says, "that money-lenders are 
 like wire-drawing mills, if they get hold of a man's 
 finger, they will pull in the whole body at last*" 
 
110 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The Powers of Translation. 
 
 A Welsh curate having preached several sermons, 
 which were considered superior to his own powers 
 of composition, was asked by a friend, how he ma- 
 naged ? He replied, u Do you see, I have got a vo- 
 lume of sermons by one Tillotson, and a very good 
 book it is ; so I translate one of the sermons into 
 Welsh, and then back again into English, after 
 which the devil himself would not know it again." 
 
 A good Place. 
 
 " I can't conceive," said one nobleman to another, 
 a how it is that you manage. I am convinced that 
 you are not of a temper to spend more than your 
 income, and yet, though your estate is less than 
 mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do." 
 " My lord," said the other, " I have a place." " A 
 place 1 you amaze me, I never heard of it till now ; 
 pray what place ?" " I am my own steward." 
 
 A left-handed Excuse. 
 
 A servant girl, who always attended divine ser- 
 vice, but who also could not read, had, from con- 
 stant attendance, got the service by rote, and could 
 repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays pre- 
 vious to her marriage she was accompanied in the 
 same pew by her beau, to whom she did not like it 
 to be known that she could not read ; she, there- 
 fore, took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. 
 Her lover wished to have a sight of it also, but, un- 
 fortunately for her, she held it upside down. The 
 man, astonished, says, " Good heaven ! why you 
 have the book wrong side upwards." "I know it, 
 sir," said she confusedly, u I always read so, for I 
 am left-handed." 
 
the world's jest-book. Ill 
 
 The Quiet Wife. 
 
 A man whose wife had for some time been indis- 
 posed, going home one evening, was informed by 
 the servant that she was dead. " Well," said the 
 husband, * I am going to the club ; send for me if I 
 should be wanted." In about two hours he returned, 
 and was going to bed as usual, when the maid cried 
 out, " Lord, sir, do not go there ! I have made 
 a bed for you in the other chamber." "Yes, but I 
 will, Betty," returned he, " I never yet had a peace- 
 able day with her, and am determined to have one 
 quiet night before we part." 
 
 The Long-headed Lawyer. 
 
 A student of the Middle Temple being just called 
 to the bar, sent for a peruke-maker to measure him 
 for a new tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his 
 apparatus in one direction, was observed to smile. 
 On which the young barrister desiring to know 
 what ludicrous circumstance gave rise to his mirth, 
 the barber replied, " That he could not but remark 
 the extreme length of his honour's head." u That's 
 well," said the student ; " we lawyers have occasion 
 for long heads." The barber, who had by this time 
 completed the dimensions, now burst out into a fit 
 of laughter ; and, on explanation being insisted on, 
 at last declared, ** That he could not possibly con- 
 tain himself, when he discovered that his honour's 
 head was just as thick as it was long." 
 
 Loss, much Felt. 
 
 Mr. Bannister passing by a house that had been 
 almost consumed by fire, inquired whose it was. 
 Being told it was a hatter's, * Oh, then," rejoined 
 he, " the loss will be much felt." 
 
112 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Actors not the only Persons on the Stage. 
 
 Two actors belonging to Co vent- Garden Theatre, 
 being on their way to Brighton, stopped at an inn 
 to change horses, where there was a coach coming 
 towards London, waiting the same accommodation, 
 on the roof of which was seated a farmer's man, 
 who hailed the two actors thus : " So, masters, you 
 are going a mumming I see." "How the devil 
 does that fellow know we are performers ?" said one 
 of the actors. "Don't you see he's on the stage 
 himself," replied the other. 
 
 The Stage-struck Youth. 
 
 A foolish stage-struck youth ran away from his 
 friends, and got amongst a most low and miserable 
 set of strollers. A relation after a time discovered 
 him just as he was going on the stage in King 
 Richard ; and, on reading him a pretty severe lec- 
 ture on his folly and disobedience, received an 
 answer suitable to all the ridiculous consequence 
 and assumed pomp of a mock monarch. To which 
 he answered, " These are fine lofty words, but 'tis a 
 great pity, Mr. King Richard, that you could not 
 afford to buy a better pair of shoes." The actor, 
 looking at his toes, which were staring him in the 
 face, without losing his vivacity, cried, " Shoes ! O, 
 sir, shoes are things we kings don't stand upon !" 
 
 Wholesome Advice. 
 
 A forward young lady was walking one morning 
 on the Steyne, at Brighton, when she encountered 
 
 a facetious friend. " You see, Mr. ," said she, 
 
 " 1 am come out to get a little sun and air." "I 
 think, madam, you had better get a little husband 
 first," was the reply. 
 
THE WORLD S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 The Stage-struck Servant. 
 
 About the time when Murphy so successfully at- 
 tacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce 
 of " The Apprentice/' an eminent poulterer went to 
 a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he un- 
 derstood, was that evening to make his debut in 
 Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was 
 exclaiming — " I am the king ; you cannot touch me 
 for coining." "No, you dog," cried the enraged 
 master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, 
 a but I can for not picking the ducks." 
 
 Witty Reply. . 
 
 A young lady was accosted by a clergyman in a 
 lane when going to the church, who asked her why 
 she did not go across the fields ; upon which she 
 replied, " They were too stile-ish for her." 
 
114 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Cultivation of Potatoes. 
 
 During the protracted debates upon the subject 
 of public scarcity in 1802, Mr. Wilberforce one 
 night made a long and able speech, in the course of 
 which, he recommended great encouragement to 
 the cultivation of potatoes, as a source of cheap food 
 for the poor. A reporter, who was desirous of being 
 attentive to every thing which fell from that ho- 
 nourable gentleman, unluckily fell asleep, and only 
 awaked just as Mr. Wilberforce was concluding.* 
 He was extremely mortified at having missed the 
 speech, and asked a droll "fellow-labourer," the 
 well-known Charles Wilson, who sat next him, to 
 detail the leading points of the honourable member's 
 argument. The other told him, with great gravity, 
 that Mr. Wilberforce had been extremely eloquent 
 in recommending the culture of potatoes, that he 
 instanced their good effects in the gigantic stature, 
 broad shoulders, vigorous constitution, and comely 
 persons of the Irish peasantry, of whom he had seen 
 so many herculean specimens in his walks through 
 St. Giles's and Covent-garden, and withal lamented 
 that his parents and guardians had not fed him in 
 his early youth upon those salubrious roots, which 
 would have rendered him tall and athletic, instead 
 of the tiny person he was. 
 
 The text was quite enough for the spinner of elo- 
 quence, who amplified these points in his next day's 
 paper to a speech of four columns, without a sin- 
 gle sentence of what Mr. Wilberforce had really ut- 
 tered. On the next day, being at his post as usual, 
 Mr. Wilberforce rose with the identical newspaper 
 in his hand. The call of " Privilege ! Privilege !" 
 echoed from several voices, and Mr. Wilberforce 
 addressed the chair, by expressing his unwillingness 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 115 
 
 at all times to restrain the liberty of the press, or 
 to oppose the standing orders of the house, against 
 that usage which had long prevailed, of detailing 
 in the public papers what passed there in discussion ; 
 but where a gross misrepresentation was made of 
 the speech of a member, it ought not to pass in si- 
 lence. He held in his hand a report, purporting to 
 be a report of his own speech the preceding night, 
 and he would appeal to the house whether it con- 
 tained a syllable of what he had said. (Read ! read I 
 echoed from all sides.) Mr. Wilberforce put on his 
 spectacles, and proceeded to the reading, but every 
 sentence produced in the house a burst of laughter, 
 until he came to that part where he was stated to 
 have lamented that he had not been early fed up- 
 on potatoes, and thereby rendered tall, broad shoul- 
 dered, and athletic, instead of the tiny person he 
 was. This threw the house into a roar of laughter, 
 when Mr. Wilberforce himself, dismounting his spec- 
 tacles, good humouredly joined in the laugh, and 
 said, "WelL I protest the thing is so ludicrous, that 
 it is hardly worth serious notice, and I shall pursue 
 it no farther." 
 
 Bank Notes. — An Anecdote. 
 
 When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was 
 taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew num- 
 bers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, 
 who had long been a terror to the country. Among 
 others was a banker, whose notes at that time were 
 not held in the highest estimation, who assured the 
 prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at 
 last. Brennan, looking up, replied, " Ah ! sir, I did 
 not expect that from you j indeed, I did not : for 
 you well know that when all the country refused 
 your notes, I took them." 
 
116 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Deaf and Dumb. 
 The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout 
 Catholic, passing one day from her devotions at a 
 chapel in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, who 
 are there certainly the best actors in Europe in the 
 display of counterfeit misery. Her ladyship's no- 
 tice was particularly attracted by one fellow ap- 
 parently more wretched than all the rest, and she 
 asked him, (i Pray, my good man, what is the mat- 
 ter with you?" The fellow, who well knew her 
 simplicity and benevolence, answered, " Oh ! my 
 lady, I'm deaf and dumb." " Poor man !" replied 
 the innocent lady, " how long have you been so ?" 
 "Ever since I had the /aver last Christmas." The 
 poor lady presented him with a half-crown, and 
 went away piously commiserating his misfortunes. 
 
 Anecdote of Carlini. 
 That laughter is by no means an unequivocal 
 symptom of a merry heart, there is a remarkable 
 anecdote of Carlini, the drollest buffoon ever known 
 on the Italian stage at Paris. A French physician 
 being consulted by a person who was subject to the 
 most gloomy fits of melancholy, advised his patient 
 to mix in scenes of gaiety, and particularly to fre- 
 qent the Italian theatre. "And," said he, "if Car- 
 lini does not dispel your gloomy complaint, your 
 case must be desperate indeed !" " Alas ! sir," re- 
 plied the patient, " I myself am Carlini, but while I 
 divert all Paris with mirth, and make them almost 
 die with laughter, I am myself actually dying with 
 chagrin and melancholy!" Immoderate laughter, 
 like the immoderate use of strong cordials,, gives 
 only a temporary appearance of cheerfulness, which 
 is soon terminated by an increased depression of 
 spirits. 
 
THE worldis jest-book. 117 
 
 A serious Truth. 
 
 A labourer's daughter, who had been in service 
 from her childhood, when weary, would be fre- 
 quently wishing to be married, that, as she empha- 
 tically termed it, she might rest her bones. Hymen 
 at last listened to her prayers, and a neighbouring 
 clod-hopper led her to the altar, nothing loth. Some 
 time afterwards her late mistress meeting her, asked 
 her, " Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet I" 
 "Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have 
 rested my jaw-bones." 
 
 Power of Imagination. 
 
 A very extraordinary circumstance happened 
 lately at Wells. The landlady of the White Hart 
 inn, observing the appearance of blood trickling 
 down the breeches and stockings of an eminent 
 land-surveyor of the neighbourhood, who was at 
 her house, she asked him if his nose had been 
 bleeding ? He replied, "No ;" but upon seeing the 
 same appearance himself, he clapped both his hands 
 to his stomach, complained of a violent pain there, 
 and exclaimed, (i 1 am a dead man — I have burst 
 a blood-vessel — send for a surgeon immediately." 
 Upon which he fainted away, was stripped, and 
 put into a warm bed. Two surgeons soon arrived 
 and examined the body ; they found no apparent 
 orifice from whence the blood issued ; but, upon 
 searching his clothes, which seemed to be very 
 bloody, they found in his waistcoat pocket a bottle 
 which had been filled with red ink. This unravelled 
 the mystery, as the cork had been forced out ; and 
 is a strong proof of the astonishing effects of ima- 
 gination in suspending the human faculties. 
 
118 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 A True Prophet. 
 
 Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain 
 bill was brought into the House of Lords, said, 
 among other things, " that he prophesied last win- 
 ter this bill would be attempted in the present ses- 
 sion and he was sorry to find that he had proved a 
 true prophet." Lord Coningsby, who spoke after 
 the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired 
 the house to remark, " that his right reverend friend 
 had set himself forth as a prophet, but for his part 
 he did not know what prophet to liken him to, un- 
 less to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was re- 
 proved by his own ass." The bishop, in a reply, 
 with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude at- 
 tack, concluding thus : — " Since the noble lord had 
 di covered in our manners such a similitude, I am 
 content to be compared to the prophet Balaam ; but, 
 my lords, 1 am at a loss to make out the other part 
 of the parallel ; where is the ass ? I am sure I have 
 been reproved by nobody but his lordship." 
 
 Reasons for Marrying. 
 
 A country justice of the peace, when upwards 
 of seventy years of age, married a girl about nine- 
 teen, and being well aware that he was likely to be 
 rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. 
 Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called 
 upon him, after the first salutations were passed, 
 he was sure to begin the conversation, by saying, 
 he believed he could tell them news. " Why," says 
 he, " I have married my tailor's daughter." If he 
 was asked why he did so, the old gentleman replied, 
 i6 Why, the father suited me so well for forty years 
 past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for 
 forty years to come" t 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. l!£» 
 
 Mai apropos Wit. 
 
 In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran 
 high, it may be remembered that the King's coach 
 was attacked as his Majesty was going to the House 
 of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, on that occasion, 
 was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob. Soon 
 after, to his no small surprise, he received a mes- 
 sage from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He 
 went, and met with a gracious reception from the 
 great man, who, after prefacing a few encomiums on 
 his active loyalty, desired him to point out any way 
 in which he would wish to be advanced, his Majesty 
 having particularly noticed his courageous conduc\, 
 and being desirous to reward it. Pat scratched an d 
 scraped for a while, half thunderstruck. "The de- 
 vil take me if I know what I'm fit for." " Nay, my 
 good fellow," cried Harry, "think a moment, and 
 dinna throw yoursel out o' the way o' fortun'." Pat 
 hesitated a moment, smirking as if some odd idea 
 had strayed into his noddle, "I'll tell you what, 
 mister, make a Scotchman of me, and, by Saint Pa- 
 trick, there'll be no fear of my getting on.'^ T" f 
 minister gazed awhile at the mat apropos it. 
 " Make a Scotchman of you, sir, that's impossi le 
 for I can't give you prudence." 
 
 Two Negatives. 
 
 Mr. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet dinner on the 
 energy and beauty of the Latin language. In sup- 
 port of the superiority which he affirmed it to have 
 over the English, he asserted that two negatives 
 made a thing more positive than one affirmative 
 possibly could. " Then," said Thurlow, " your fa- 
 ther and mother must have been two complete ne- 
 gatives to make such a positive fellow as you are." 
 
120 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Anecdote of Sheridan. 
 
 Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom 
 should marry a young woman of large fortune, but 
 knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. 
 One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and 
 soon entered on the subject of his marriage, and 
 pointing out to him in glowing colours the advan- 
 tage of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with 
 the utmost patience, and then descanted on the per- 
 fections of the woman who proved the pride and 
 solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, 
 and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length 
 exclaimed, " Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander 
 I'll cut you off with a shilling !" Tom could not 
 resist the opportunity of replying, and looking 
 archly at his father, said, u Then, sir, you must bor- 
 row it." Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and drop- 
 ped the subject. 
 
 Dean Swift and the Lawyers. 
 
 Dean Swift having preached an assize sermon in 
 Ireland, was invited to dine with the judges ; and 
 having in his sermon considered the use and abuse 
 of the law, he then pressed a little hard upon those 
 counsellors who plead causes, which they knew hi 
 their consciences to be wrong. When dinner was 
 over, and the glass began to go round, a young bar- 
 rister retorted upon the dean ; and after several 
 altercations, the counsellor asked him. " If the de- 
 vil were to die, whether a parson might not be 
 found who, for money, would preach his funeral 
 sermon !" " Yes," said Swift, " I would gladly be 
 the man, and I would then give the devil his due, as 
 I have this day done his children." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 121 
 
 Anecdote of Alexander the Great. 
 Alexander the Great, passing through Corinth, 
 had the curiosity to go to see the philosopher Dio- 
 genes, who was there at that time. He found him 
 seated in a covered tub, with the open part turned 
 towards the sun. " I am the great king Alexander," 
 said he to the philosopher. " And I am the dog 
 Diogenes," replied the philosopher. u I am a good 
 man," said Alexander. u Well, who has any reason 
 to fear the good ?" replied Diogenes. Alexander 
 admired the subtlety of his mind, and the free man- 
 ner in which he spoke. After having some conver- 
 sation with him, he said to him, " I see, Diogenes, 
 that you are in want of many things ; I shall be 
 very glad to give you my assistance. Ask of me 
 whatever you please." " Get then from between 
 me and the sun," said he, " and do not take from 
 me that which you cannot give me" Alexander 
 was astonished, having never before met with any 
 man who was above all human concerns. " Who is 
 the richer man," continued Diogenes, * he who is 
 content with his cloak and his wallet, or he who, 
 having an extensive kingdom, is not satisfied, and 
 who every day exposes himself to a thousand dan- 
 gers to extend its limits ?" Alexander's corn-tiers 
 were very angry that so great a king should so long 
 honour with his conversation such a surly wretch as 
 Diogenes, who did not even rise from his seat while 
 he spoke to him. The king perceived their anger, 
 and, turning about, said to them, a If I were not 
 Alexander, I would wish to be Diogenes." 
 
 Nonsense. 
 A gentleman being asked to give a definition of 
 nonsense, replied in a Johnsonian style, " Sir, it is 
 nonsense to holt a door with a boiled carrot" 
 
122 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Dr. Johnson's Humanity to a Hare. 
 
 Dr. Johnson, in his tour through North Wales, 
 passed two days at the seat of Colonel Middleton, of 
 Gwyngag. While he remained there, the gardener 
 caught a hare amidst some potatoe plants, and 
 brought it to his master, then engaged in conversa- 
 tion with the doctor. An order was given to carry 
 it to the cook. As soon as the doctor heard this 
 sentence, he begged to have the animal placed in 
 his arms, which was no sooner done, than, approach- 
 ing the window, then half open, he restored the hare 
 to her liberty, shouting after her to accelerate her 
 speed. " What have you done f" cried the colonel ; 
 " why, doctor, you have robbed my table of a deli- 
 cacy, perhaps deprived us of a dinner." " So much 
 the better, sir," replied the humane champion of a 
 condemned hare ; for if your table is to be supplied 
 at the expense of the laws of hospitality, I envy not 
 the appetite of him who eats it. This, sir, is not a 
 hare ferce natures, but one which has placed herself 
 under your protection ; and savage indeed must be 
 that man who does not make his hearth an asylum 
 for the confiding stranger." 
 
 Science of Optics. 
 
 A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish 
 baronet, that the science of optics was now brought 
 to the highest perfection ; for that, by the aid of a 
 telescope, which he had just purchased, he could 
 discern objects at an incredible distance. "My 
 dear fellow," replied the good humoured .baronet, 
 " I have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford, 
 that will be a match for it ; it brought the church 
 of Enniscorthy so near to my view, that I could 
 hear the whole congregation singing psalms." 
 
the world's jest-book. 123 
 
 A Neapolitan's Firmness. 
 
 The Neapolitans in general hold drunkenness ^ 
 very great abhorrence. A story is told there of a 
 nobleman, who, having murdered another in a fit of 
 jealousy, was condemned to suffer death. His life 
 was offered to him on the sole condition of saying 
 that when he committed the deed he was intoxi- 
 cated. He received the offer with disdain, and ex- 
 claimed, " I would rather suffer a thousand deaths 
 than bring eternal disgrace on my family, by con- 
 fessing the disgraceful crime of intoxication." He 
 persisted, and was executed. 
 
 To Let. 
 
 Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics 
 he should espouse on Ins inauguration to St. Ste- 
 phen's chapel ; the son replied, that he intended to 
 vote for those who offered best, and that in con- 
 sequence he should wear on his forehead a label, 
 "To let." To which the facetious critic rejoined, 
 " I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished 1" 
 
 Anecdote of Charles II. 
 
 Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet how 
 it happened that he preached in' general without 
 book, but always read the sermons which he deli- 
 vered before the court. The bishop answered, that 
 the awe of seeing before him so great and wise 
 a prince made him afraid to trust himself. " But 
 will your majesty," continued he, " permit me to ask 
 you a question in my turn ? Why do you read your 
 speeches to parliament !" " Why, doctor," replied 
 the king, a I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked 
 them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look 
 them in the face !" 
 
124 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Four Bon Vivants. 
 
 Theo. Cibber, in company with three other bon 
 vivants, made an excursion. Theo. had a false set 
 of teeth ; a second, a glass eye ; a third, a cork leg ; 
 but the fourth had nothing particular, except a re- 
 markable way of shaking his head. They travelled 
 in a post-coach, and while at the first stage, after 
 each had made merry with his neighbour's infirmity, 
 they agreed that at every waiting-place they would 
 all affect the same singularity. When they came 
 to breakfast, they were all to squint ; and as the 
 countrymen stood gaping round when they alighted, 
 " Od rot it," cried one, " how that man squints !" 
 * Why, dom thee," said a second, " here be another 
 squinting fellow !" The third was thought to be a 
 better squinter than the other two, and the fourth 
 better than all the rest. In short language cannot 
 express how admirably they squinted, for they went 
 one degree above the superlative. At dinner they 
 appeared to have cork legs, and their stumping 
 about made more diversion than they had done at 
 breakfast. At tea they were all deaf ; but at sup- 
 per, which was at the Ship, at Dover, each man re- 
 sumed his character, the better to play his part in 
 a farce they had concerted among them. When 
 they were ready to go to bed, Cibber called out to 
 the waiter, " Here, fellow, take out my teeth." 
 " Teeth, sir !" said the man. " Ay, teeth, sir. Un- 
 screw that wire, and they'll all come out together." 
 After some hesitation, the man did as he was 
 ordered. This was no sooner performed, than a 
 second called out, " Here, you, take out my eye." 
 " Lord, sir," said the waiter, " your eye !" u Yes, 
 •my eye. Come here, you stupid dog ; pull up that 
 eye-lid, and it will come out as easy as ( possible." 
 
the world's jest-eook. 125 
 
 This done, the third cried out, " Here, you rascal, 
 take off my leg." This he did with less reluctance, 
 being before apprised that it was cork, and also 
 conceived that it would be his last job. He was, 
 however, mistaken. The fourth watched his oppor- 
 tunity, and, while the frightened waiter was survey- 
 ing with rueful countenance the eye, teeth and leg, 
 lying on the table, cried out, in a frightful hollow 
 t voice, " Come here, sir, take off my head !" Turn- 
 ing round, and seeing the man's head shaking like 
 that of a mandarine upon a chimney-piece, he 
 darted out of the room, and after tumbling head- 
 long down stairs, he ran about the house, swearing 
 that the gentlemen up stairs were certainly all 
 devils. 
 
 College Frolic. 
 The poet Gray was notoriously fearful of fire, 
 and kept a ladder of ropes in his bed-room. Some 
 mischievous young men at Cambridge, who .knew 
 this, roused him from below, in the middle of a 
 dark night, with the cry of fire ! The staircase, 
 they said, was in flames. Up went his window, and 
 down he came by his rope ladder, as fast as he 
 could, into a tub of water, which they had kindly 
 placed there to receive him. 
 
 Travellers will Lie. 
 
 Mr. Twiss, a romancing traveller, was talking of 
 a church he had seen in Spain a mile and a half 
 long. " Bless me !" said Garrick, " how broad was 
 it ?" " About ten yards," said Twiss. " This is, 
 you'll observe, gentlemen," said Garrick to the 
 company, "not a round lie, but differs from his 
 other stories, which are as broad generally as they 
 are long." 
 
126 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Barber Shaved by a Lawyer. 
 
 "Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was 
 passing his door, " will you tell me if this is a good 
 seven-shilling piece?" The lawyer, pronouncing 
 the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, 
 with gravity, " If you'll send your boy to my office, 
 I'll return the fourpence." 
 
 Sympathy. 
 
 As a certain musician, who had a very bad voice, 
 was singing one day, he took notice of a gentle- 
 woman, who fell a crying ; when, imagining that 
 the sweetness of his melody awakened some passion 
 in her breast, he began to sing louder, and she to 
 weep more bitterly. He had no sooner ended the 
 song, but, going to the lady, he asked her why she 
 cried. " Oh !" said she, " I am the unfortunate 
 woman whose ass the wolves devoured yesterday, 
 and no sooner did I hear you sing, but I thought on 
 my poor ass, for surely never were voices so much 
 alike." 
 
 Match-making. 
 
 In a small party, the subject turning on matri- 
 mony, a lady said to her sister, " I wonder, my 
 dear, you have never made a match, I think you 
 want the brimstone" She replied, "No, not the 
 brimstone, only the spark." 
 
 Warped in Travelling. 
 
 A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, 
 was asked by another, what place he had travelled 
 from ? "I came straight from London," replied he. 
 " Did you so '?" said the other ; " then you have 
 been terribly warped by the way." 
 
thb world's jest-book. 127 
 
 Matrimonial Quarrel. \ 
 
 A clergyman was reproving a married couple for 
 their frequent dissentions, which were very un- 
 becoming both in the eye of God and man, seeing, 
 as he observed, that they were both one. "Both 
 one /" cried the husband. Was your reverence to 
 come by our door sometimes, you would swear we 
 were twenty." 
 
 A Pun in Perfection. 
 
 James the I. of England, and VI. of Scotland, 
 though in some degree a man of sense and wit, 
 seems to have been remarkably deficient in the 
 more important talent of steadiness and vigour of 
 mind. It is said that he was not unconscious of 
 this defect ; and that he was once told of it in a very 
 curious manner from the pulpit. He heard of a 
 famous preacher who, according to the fashion of 
 the times, was very witty in his sermons and pe- 
 culiarly happy in his choice of texts. James got 
 this person to preach before him ; who, with ail 
 suitable gravity, gave out his text in the following 
 words ; "James /. and IT., in the latter part of the 
 verse. "He that wavereth is like a wave of the 
 sea, driven by the winds and tossed." " God's 
 chickens!" whispered the king, "he is at me 
 already !" The preacher went on and trimmed the 
 king soundly. The text is genuine, and the ap- 
 plication of it witty, even independently of the pun, 
 which seems so well suited to the taste of the times 
 of "James I. and VI." 
 
 Gun Charged too High. 
 A person whose name was Gun, complaining to a 
 friend that his attorney, in his bill, had not let him 
 off easily. " That is no wonder," said he, " as he 
 charged you too high." 
 
 
123 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Irish Dreammg. 
 
 When General V was quartered at a town 
 
 in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, 
 as they got into their carriage, by an old beggar 
 woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing 
 them daily with fresh importunities. Their charity 
 and patience became exhausted : not so the peti 
 tioner's perseverance. One morning, as Mr. 
 V stepped into the carriage, our oratrix be- 
 gan — " Oh, my lady ! success to your ladyship, and 
 success to your honour's honour, this morning, of 
 all the days in the year ; for sure did I not dream, 
 last night her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and 
 your honour gave me a pound of tobacco." "But, 
 my good woman," said the general, "don't you 
 know that dreams go by the rule of contrary !" 
 "Do they so ?" rejoined the old woman : "then it 
 must 'maan, that your honour will give me the tea, 
 and her ladyship the tobacco." 
 
 Dr. Johnson's Dictionary. 
 
 When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, 
 the delay of which had quite exhausted the patience 
 of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknowledged 
 the receipt of the last sheet in the following terms : 
 
 " Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. 
 Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet 
 of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he 
 has done with him." 
 
 To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor re- 
 plied in this smart retort : 
 
 " Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to 
 Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he 
 does by this note) that Andrew Millar has the 
 grace to thank God for any thing." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 Rocks of Stilly. 
 
 A man, who had a sovereign contempt for hk 
 wife, said to her, " One may learn geography from 
 your face ; on one side you may see the Blue Moun- 
 tains, on the other the Black Forest, here the Red 
 Sea, and here (pointing to his forehead) you may 
 evidently behold the Rocks of Scilly." 
 
 Severe Rebuke. 
 
 Sir William B being at a parish meeting, 
 
 made some proposals that were objected to by a 
 farmer. Highly enraged, a Sir," says he to the 
 farmer, ft do you know that I have been to two 
 universities, and at two colleges in each university V* 
 i( Well, sir," said the farmer, " what of that ? I 
 had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation 
 I made was, the more he sucked the greater calf he 
 grew." i 
 
ISO WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 General Dissolution. 
 A gentleman happened to remark, one intensely 
 hot evening, that Parliament would soon be dis- 
 solved, a young lady immediately added, " So shall 
 we all 9 if this weather continues." 
 
 Indian Acuteness. 
 
 Soon after the settlement at New England, Go- 
 vernor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian 
 begging, and saying he could get no work. The 
 governor told him to go to his house, and he would 
 give him work. " But," says the negro, c< why you 
 no work, massa V 9 " 0," said the governor, " my 
 head works." He, however, turned out an idle 
 good-for-nothing fellow, and his master found it ne- 
 cessary one day to have him flogged. With this 
 view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it 
 to the keeper of the workhouse. The negro, sus- 
 pecting its contents, committed it to the care of one 
 of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his 
 trouble. The governor having learnt this, asked 
 Mungo why he did so ? " 0, massa," said he, 
 " head work." 
 
 Sporting Ardour. 
 
 The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was 
 thrown into a ditch ; at the same time a young cu- 
 rate, calling out " Lie still, my Lord ," leaped over 
 him, and pursued his sport. Such apparent want 
 of feeling, we may presume, was properly resented. 
 No such thing. On being helped out by his attend- 
 ants, his Grace said, "That man shall have the 
 first good living that falls to my disposal — had he 
 stopped to take care of me, I never would have gi- 
 ven him any thing :" being delighted with an ar- 
 dour similar to his own, or with a spirit that would 
 not stoop to flatter. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 131 
 
 Generosity Rewarded. 
 
 The following anecdote of the Hon. Mr. Rigby 
 has been attested by persons whose veracity may 
 be relied on : Like most young gentlemen in Ire- 
 land, he used to play, and sometimes pretty deep. 
 Being one evening at hazard, in a public place, he 
 was very successful ; and having won a considerable 
 sum, he was putting it in his purse, when a person 
 behind him said, in a low voice to himself, " Had I 
 that sum, what a happy man should I be !" Mr. 
 
 R , without looking back, put the purse over 
 
 his shoulder, saying, " Take it, my friend, and be 
 happy." The stranger made no reply, but accepted 
 it, and retired. Every one present was astonished 
 at Mr. Rigby's uncommon beneficence, whilst he 
 received additional pleasure, on being informed that 
 the person who had received the benefit was a half- 
 pay officer in great distress. Some years after, a 
 gentleman waited upon him, in his own equipage, 
 and, being introduced to Mr. R., acquainted him 
 that he came to acquit a debt he had contracted 
 with him in Dublin. Mr. R. was greatly surprised 
 at this declaration, as he was an entire stranger. 
 " Yes, sir," continued the visitor, "you assisted me 
 with above a hundred pounds, at a time when T was 
 in the utmost indigence, without knowing or even 
 seeing me ;" and then related the affair of the gam- 
 ing-table. "With that money," continued the 
 stranger, iC I was enabled to pay some debts, and fit 
 myself out for India, where I have been so fortunate 
 as to make an ample fortune." Mr. Rigby declined 
 taking the money, but, through the pressing so- 
 licitation of the gentleman, accepted a valuable dia- 
 mond ring. 
 
132 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Both Parties Agreed. 
 
 " I wonder," says a woman of honour, u why my 
 husband and I quarrel so often, for we agree uni- 
 formly in one grand point ; he wishes to be master, 
 and so do I." 
 
 Matrimonial Service. 
 
 A friend of mine, a cosey old bachelor, who has 
 been looking into a prayer-book, says, that the Ma- 
 trimonial service exactly resembles Matrimony it- 
 self, since they both begin with "Dearly beloved," 
 and both end with tt Amazement." 
 
 Haughtiness Humbled. 
 
 As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the 
 neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking 
 his ride, and being, according to his own idea, a 
 person of no small consequence, he thought proper 
 to show it by riding on the foot-path. Meeting a 
 plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperi- 
 ously to get out of his way. u Sir," said the other, 
 " I don't understand this : I am upon the foot-path, 
 where I certainly have a right to walk." " Do you 
 know, sir," said Mr. Reynell, " to whom you speak ?" 
 "I do not, indeed." "Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of 
 Edinburgh." * Well, sir, but that certainly does 
 not entitle you to ride on the foot-path, and to drive 
 a humble pedestrian off it." " Why, sir, I am a 
 trustee of this road." 6i If you are, you are a very 
 bad one." " You are a very impudent fellow. 
 Who are you, sir V 9 " I am John, Duke of Mon- 
 tague." It is almost unnecessary to add that the 
 haughty Laird, after a very awkward apology, went 
 off into the main road. 
 
the world's jest-book. 133 
 
 The Value of Married Men 
 
 w A little more intimation, my dear," whispered 
 
 Lady B to the gentle Susan, who was walking 
 
 languidly through a quadrille. " Do leave me to 
 manage my own business, Mamma," replied the 
 provident nymph ; " I shall not dance my ringlets 
 out of curl for a married man." "Of course not, 
 my love ; but I was not aware who your partner 
 was." 
 
 Advantages of Low Prices. 
 
 A gentleman in one of the steam-boats asked the 
 steward, when he came round to collect the pas- 
 sage-money (one shilling each for the best cabin), 
 if there was no danger of being blown up ? The 
 steward promptly replied, ft No, sir, not the least ; 
 we cannot afford to blow people up at these low 
 prices." 
 
 Lying Counsellors. 
 
 During a cause in which the boundaries of a piece 
 of land were to be ascertained, the counsel of the 
 one party stated, " We lie on this side, my lord ;" 
 and the counsel of the other party, u And we lie on 
 this side." The chancellor stood up and said, " If 
 you lie on both sides, whom will you have me to 
 believe V 
 
 Sagacious Magistrate. 
 
 A spark being brought before a magistrate on a 
 charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he 
 saw him, exclaimed, " I see a villain in your coun- 
 tenance." " It is the first time," said the prisoner, 
 very coolly, " that I knew my countenance was a 
 
134 WIT AND WISDOM * OR, 
 
 Appropriate Toast. 
 Dr, Egerton, the late Bishop of Durham, on 
 coming to that see, employed a person of the name 
 of Due as his agent, to find out the true value of 
 the estates held by lease under him, and, in con- 
 sequence of Due's report, greatly raised both the 
 fines and rents of the tenants ; on which the following 
 toast was frequently drank in the bishopric : " May 
 the Lord take the bishop, and the devil have his 
 Due." 
 
 Fry-day ; or, Eggs and Bacon. 
 
 Suett, meeting Bannister, said, u I intend dining 
 with you soon, on eggs and bacon. What day shall 
 I come ? M To which the other replied, " Why, if you 
 will have that dish, you must come on Sbfriday" 
 
 Irish Acumen v. Pathetic Appeal. 
 
 A lawyer upon a circuit in Ireland, who was 
 pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the 
 child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, 
 suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until 
 the opposite lawyer asked the child — " What made 
 him cry ? w u He pinched me !" answered the little 
 innocent. The whole court was convulsed with 
 laughter. 
 
 Poor Miles Button. 
 
 " Which is the deepest, the longest, the broadest, 
 and the smallest grave in the church-yard V 9 said a 
 pedestrian to his companion, whilst meditating 
 among the tombs in the burying-ground at Esher. 
 "W T hy," replied his companion, " it is that in which 
 poor Miles Button lies buried, for it contains Miles 
 below the sod, Miles in length, and Miles in 
 breadth ; and yet, after all, it is but a Button-hole" 
 
the world's jest-book. 135 
 
 Counsellor Foiled. 
 
 A countryman, on a trial respecting the right of 
 a fishery, at the late Lancaster assizes, was cross^ 
 examined by Serjeant Cockel, who, among many 
 other questions, asked the witness, "Do'st thou love 
 fish ?" " Yea," said the poor fellow, with a look 
 of native simplicity, " but I donna like Cockle sauce 
 with it." A roar of laughter followed, in which the 
 sergeant joined, with his usual good humour. 
 
 Matrimonial Similies. 
 
 There are three things which a good wife should 
 resemble, and yet those three things she should not 
 resemble. She should be like a town clock — keep 
 time and regularity. She should not be like a town 
 clock — speak so loud that all the town may hear 
 her. She should be like a snail — prudent, and keep 
 within her own house. She should not be like a 
 snail — carry all she has upon her back. She should 
 be like an echo — speak when spoken to. She 
 should not be like an echo — determined always to 
 have the last word. 
 
 Curious Distribution of Happiness. 
 
 To give happiness, it is said, is godlike : but there 
 are, it seems, different ways of giving it. We pre- 
 sume few would choose it as it was said once to 
 have been administered by a captain in our naVy, 
 who, on meeting a friend as he landed at Ports- 
 mouth, boasted that he had left the whole ship's 
 company the happiest fellows in the world. " How 
 so ?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged 
 seventeen, and they are happy it is over ; and all 
 the rest are happy that they have escaped." 
 
136 WIT AND WISDOM J OB, 
 
 Philosophic Tobacco Stopper. 
 
 It is said of Sir Isaac Newton that he did once in 
 his life go a wooing, and, as it was to be expected, 
 had the greatest attention and indulgence paid to 
 the little peculiarities which ever accompany great 
 genius. Knowing he was fond of smoking, the lady 
 assiduously provided him with a pipe, and they were 
 then seated as if to open the business of Cupid. 
 Sir Isaac smoked a few whiffs — seemed at a loss for 
 something — whiffed again — and, at last, drew his 
 chair nearer to the lady ; a pause of some minutes 
 ensued — Sir Isaac seemed more uneasy. Oh, the 
 timidity of some men, thought the lady. When, lo ! 
 Sir Isaac whiffed with redoubled fury, and drew the 
 captive hand nearer his head ; already the repeated 
 salute had vibrated from the hand to the heart, when, 
 (pity the damsel, gentle reader !) Sir Isaac only 
 raised the fair hand to make the fore finger, which 
 he much wanted — A tobacco stopper / 1 1 
 
 Beggar's Feeling Wish. 
 
 A beggar, in Dublin, had been a long time be- 
 sieging an old gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who 
 refused his mite with irritability ; on which the 
 mendicant said, u Ah, please your honour's honour, 
 I wish your heart was as tender as your toes. 1 ' 
 
 Drowned, but not Lost. 
 
 An Englishman travelling in Kilkenny, came to 
 a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The 
 water being more agitated than was agreeable to him, 
 he asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in 
 the passage. " Never," replied Pat, " my brother 
 was drowned here last week, but we found him the 
 next day." 
 
the world's jest-book. 137 
 
 Precedence, or the Bishop and the Judge. 
 
 A dispute about precedence once arose between a 
 Bishop and a Judge, and, after some altercation, 
 the latter thought he should quite confound his op- 
 ponent by quoting the following passage : "For, on 
 these two hang all the law and the prophets." "Do 
 you not see," said the lawyer, in triumph, "that 
 even in this passage of scripture, we are mentioned 
 first?" "I grant you," says the bishop, you hang 
 first." 
 
 Apt Title. 
 
 A Hampstead coachman, who drove two misera- 
 ble hacks, styled his vehicle the Regulator. A bro- 
 ther whip called out the other day, while passing 
 him, " I say, Tom, don't you call your coach the 
 Regulator \" " Yes, I do," replied the other. " Ay, 
 and a devilish proper name it is," resumed Jehu. 
 " Why so ?" " Why, because all the other coaches 
 go by it." 
 
 The Two Wranglers. 
 
 When Mr. D was once at Slaughter's coffee- 
 house, two strangers came and seated themselves in 
 the same box, and began a very warm dispute on a 
 literary subject. One of them, who had reason on 
 his side, was very polite and moderate : the other, 
 who was glaringly wrong in his argument, was very 
 loud and violent. In about half an hour, the mo- 
 derate man, sick of vociferation and insolence, re- 
 tired ; when his adversary, flushed with his victory, 
 
 turned round to Mr. I> , and exclaimed, 
 
 "Well, sir, don't you think that I have mauled my 
 antagonist to some purpose V 9 " Yes, sir," replied 
 he drily, " you have ; and if ever I should happen to 
 fight with the Philistines, I should wish to make 
 use of your jaw-bone." 
 
138 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The Frenchman and Pigs, 
 
 A Frenchman happening to stop under a gateway, 
 saw a sow and a litter of pigs pass him. He stood 
 some time admiring the diversity of colours, till he 
 found an opportunity of popping one under his coat : 
 and running off with it. This he attempted, but 
 was pursued by the ostler, who overtook and seized 
 him, with the pig in his possession. He was taken 
 to Bow-street, and fully committed. When the 
 trial came on, the circumstances of the theft being 
 clearly proved, he was found guilty, and was asked 
 what he had to say why sentence should not be 
 passed, " Me lor, I vil trouble you attendez two tree 
 vord dat I sal say, I, French gentleman, no under- 
 stand vat you call de tief in dis country. Mais I vil 
 tell you tout d'affair, and you vil find dat I am inno- 
 cent. Me lor, I never tief a pig in my lifetime." 
 « Why, it was upon you." " Oh, certainly, but I 
 vas take him vid his own consent." " What do you 
 mean ?" " Vy, ven I vas see de mamma pig, and 
 his childrens, I was very much in love vid dem, 
 and dis little pig, I look his face, I say, you pretty 
 little vellow, you come live vid me for one month ? 
 He says, ' a week ! a week !' So I have taken him 
 for a week, dat's all." 
 
 Disinheritance, 
 
 Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., having 
 married his daughter to M. Portaii, president of the 
 parliament, was constantly receiving from his son- 
 in-law complaints of his daughter's ill- tempers. To. 
 one of these he at length answered, that he was fully 
 convinced of her misconduct, and was resolved to 
 punish it ; in short, that if he heard any more of it 
 he would disinherit her. He heard no more. 
 
the world's jest-book. 139 
 
 - - French Trumpeter. 
 
 In the war on the Rhine, in 1794, the French got 
 'possession of the village of Rhinthal by a very curious 
 ruse de guerre of one Joseph Werck, a trumpeter. 
 This village was maintained by an Austrian party 
 of six hundred hussars. Two companies of foot were 
 ordered to make an attack on it at ten o'clock at 
 night. The Austrians had been apprised of the in- 
 tended attack, and were drawn up ready to charge 
 on the assailing party. On perceiving this, Werck 
 detached himself from his own party, and contrived, 
 by the favour of the darkness, to slip into the midst 
 of the enemy ; when, taking his trumpet, he first 
 sounded a rally in the Austrian manner, and next 
 moment the retreat, the Austrians, deceived by the 
 signal were off in an instant at full gallop ; and the 
 French became masters of the village without strik- 
 ing a blow. 
 
 Birds of a Feather. 
 
 Lord Erskine and Dr. Parr were considered, 
 even by their personal friends, to be the vainest men 
 of the age. The doctor said to the Ex-Chancellor, 
 in one of their social meetings, " Erskine, I mean to 
 write your epitaph when you die." Lord Erskine 
 replied, "Doctor, it is almost a temptation to com- 
 mit suicide." 
 
 A Good Tiling well applied. 
 
 Dr. Henniker, being engaged in private conver- 
 sation with the great Earl of Chatham, his lordship 
 asked him how he defined wit. " My lord," said 
 the doctor, " wit is like what a pension should be, 
 given by your lordship to your humble servant, a, 
 good thing well applied." 
 
140 WIT AND WISDOM \ OR, 
 
 Whimsical Extracts of Wills. 
 
 From the Will of Gen. Blackett, Governor of Ply- 
 mouth, proved 1782. 
 
 " I desire my body to be kept so long as it may 
 not be offensive ; and that one of my toes or fingers 
 may be cut off to secure a certainty of my being 
 dead. I further request my dear wife that, as she 
 has been troubled with one old fool, she will not 
 think of marrying a second" 
 
 From the Will of the Rev. Dr. Appleby, of St. 
 Bride's, proved 1783. 
 K I leave my body to be dressed in a flannel waist- 
 coat, an old surtout coat, and breeches without 
 lining and pockets ; no shoes (having done walking ), 
 and a worsted wig, if one can be got, in order that 
 I may rest comfortably." 
 
 From the Will of a Mariner of Bristol, proved 
 1795. 
 "My executors to pay, out of the first monies 
 collected, to my beloved wife, if living, one shilling, 
 which I give as a token of my love, that she may 
 buy hazel nuts, as I know she is better pleased with 
 cracking them than she is with mending holes in her 
 
 Inscription on a Sign Board, by a Watchmaker, at 
 Oxford. 
 
 Here are fabricated and renovated, trochiliac 
 horologies, portable and permanent, linguaculus or 
 taciturnal ; whose circumgirations are performed 
 by internal, spiral, elastic, or extensive pendulous 
 plumbages ; diminutives, simple or compound, in- 
 vested with aurent or argent integuments. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 141 
 
 Anecdotes of George Frederick Coohe, the Eccentric 
 Actor. 
 
 The morning after his last exhibition of his fa- 
 vourite character of Richard the Third, on March 
 20, 1812, in the city of New York, he was visited 
 by Mr. Francis, who expressed the pleasure he had 
 received from witnessing his performances the last 
 evening. "Why," says Cooke, "I was not well, 
 and I had forgotten in the day that I was to play at 
 night I was sitting here quietly, when I was wanted 
 at the theatre. ' For what V says I, ' To play Richard 
 sir.' I had no devotion to the deed, but I went. I 
 made shift to get through the first act. In the 
 second, sir, I was somewhat better. In the third I 
 began to feel. In the fourth act I was alive ; and 
 in the fifth, I think I may say, Richard was himself 
 again." 
 
 During one of his provincial engagements, he had 
 offended the public by disappointing them, and on 
 a following night the audience was thin, and the 
 gentlemen in the boxes near the stage, by concert, 
 turned their backs to the scene when Cooke came 
 on. He was dressed for Falstaff, and immediately 
 noticing this unusual appearance, and comprehend- 
 ing the intent, instead of beginning the part, he said, 
 in a voice sufficiently audible for those who were re- 
 proving him, " Call you this baching your friends ? 
 A plague of such baching, I say f" 
 
 Lost Money Found. 
 
 A young lady, on hearing that a thousand coins 
 had been found near the Brighton race- course, in- 
 nocently exclaimed, " I dare say they are my bro- 
 ther's, for I know he lost a thousand the last time 
 he was at the races !" 
 
142 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Every Body has his Bubbly-Jock* 
 
 A gentleman, in conversing with Sir Walter 
 Scott, remarked that he believed that it was possible 
 that perfect happiness might be the lot of somebody 
 or other. Sir Walter dissented. " Well," said the 
 gentleman, u there is an idiot who I'm certain will 
 confirm my opinion ; he seems the very beau ideal 
 of animal contentment." The daft individual was 
 snooving along, humming to himself, when Sir 
 Walter Scott addressed him. " Weel Jamie, hoo 
 are ye the day ?" " Brawley, ou brawley," an- 
 swered he. (i Now, Jamie, have you plenty to eat 
 and drink ?" " Ou, ay." " And keep you warm V 9 
 " Ou, ay." " And are a' the folk kind to ye V 9 
 " Ou, ay." " There," said the poet's antagonist, 
 crowing, " is a perfectly happy creature." " Not so 
 fast," continued Sir Walter. "Is there naething, 
 Jamie, that bothers you at a' ?" " Ou, ay," said the 
 idiot, changing his merry look, " there's a muckle 
 bubbly-jock (a turkey) that follows me wherever I 
 gang." " Now," said Sir Walter, " you see from 
 this that the very simplest and stupidest of mankind 
 are haunted by evil of some kind or other ; in short, 
 every one has his bubbly-jock." 
 
 Blackee's Rebuke. 
 
 A black man proceeding along one of the streets 
 at the west-end of the town, was saluted with the 
 sound of " How d'ye do, blackee— how do, Snow- 
 ball ?" He turned round in anger, but, on perceiv- 
 ing the parrot, he said, " Ah ! ah ! you rogue, you 
 grow rich now, have a fine golden house of your 
 own, insult poor man, but I know your fader when 
 he lived in a bush — mind that, and keep civil tongue." 
 
THE world's jest-book. 143 
 
 All on One Side. 
 A buck being taken before a justice who was 
 rather crooked, after the other witnesses were ex- 
 amined, " What have you to say V 9 said the justice. 
 K Nothing at all," replied the spark, " for I see you 
 are all on one side." 
 
 Lawyer answered. 
 An evidence in a court speaking in a very harsh 
 and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the other 
 side, exclaimed in an angry manner, u Fellow, why 
 do'st thou hart so furiously V ll Because, replied 
 the rustic, " I think I sees a thief." 
 
 Everlasting Sashes. 
 
 An advertisement in an Irish paper lately, setting 
 forth the many conveniencies and advantages to be 
 derived from metal window sashes, amoug other 
 particulars observed, " That these sashes would last 
 for ever ; and afterwards, if the owner had no use 
 for them, they might be sold for old iron." 
 
 Curious Excise Entry. 
 
 Alexander Gun, an excise officer in Scotland, 
 being dismissed from his employment for miscon- 
 duct, an entry was made in a book, kept for the 
 purpose, as follows : — 
 
 "A Gun, discharged for making & false report" 
 
 Advantages of a Ttack Head. 
 
 A gentleman, a few years since, having brought 
 an action for an assault, his servant was called as a 
 witness to support it ; who, after a few questions 
 observed, " that he was certain, if his master had 
 not a very thick head, the blow winch the defendant 
 gave him would have cracked his sknll." 
 
] 44 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Apt Reply of a Child, 
 
 A little boy having been much praised for his 
 quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, 
 that when children were keen in their youth, they 
 were generally stupid and dull when they advanced 
 in years, and vice versa, " What a very sensible boy, 
 sir, must you have been !" returned the child. 
 
 Anecdote of the late General Obway. 
 
 This officer had been many years in the service 
 with the rank of colonel, during which time several 
 junior colonels had got regiments over his head. 
 His friends frequently entreated him to state his 
 services, and petition the king : he resisted their 
 importunities for a considerable time ; but being at 
 length prevailed upon, he desired the chaplain of 
 the regiment he served in to draw up a petition, 
 which being done and 'sent to the colonel, he took 
 notice that it concluded with the words, " and your 
 petitioner shall ever pray." He' sent for the chap- 
 lain, and told him that he had made a mistake, and 
 imagined he was presenting a petition for himself 
 by the manner he had concluded it. He desired 
 the petition to be altered from the usual conclusion : 
 he insisted that the word pray was unfit to come 
 from an officer. It was to no purpose that he. was 
 informed of the usual mode of drawing the prayer 
 of all petitions, he would not give up his opinion 
 upon the matter ; he insisted it should run thus, — 
 and your petitioner shall everjlgkt ; he took the pe- 
 tition to court, and presented it to George the 
 Third, who was pleased with the novelty of the con- 
 elusion, and the honest bluntness of the officer ; and 
 in the course of a few weeks a regiment became 
 vacant, which he gave to Otway. 
 
the world's jest-book. 145 
 
 TJie Retort Coivrteous. 
 An honest, simple Irishman, a short time ago, 
 landed on one of the quays at Liverpool, in search 
 of harvest work. A fellow on the quay thinking to 
 quiz the poor stranger, asked him, " How long, Pat, 
 have you broke loose from your father's cabin ? and 
 how does the potatoes eat now V 9 The Irish lad, 
 who happened to have a shilelah in his hand, 
 answered, u 0, they are very well my jewel, would 
 you like to taste the stalk ?" and knocking the 
 inquirer down, coolly walked off. 
 
 The late Earl of Abercorn. 
 This independent nobleman was once solicited by 
 his brother to apply for a living which was vacant, 
 and in the gift of the crown, worth £1,000 a year. 
 Lord A.'s answer was as follows : — i( I never ask 
 favours. Enclosed is a deed of annuity for £1,000 
 per annum. " Abercorn." 
 
146 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Anecdote of Peter the Great 
 
 The renowned Peter the Great being at West* 
 minster Hall in term time, and seeing multitudes of 
 people swarming about the courts of law, is reported 
 - to have asked some about him, what all those busy 
 people were, and what they were about ? and being 
 answered, " They are lawyers." " Lawyers !" re- 
 turned he, with great vivacity, " why I have but four 
 in my whole kingdom, and I design to hang two of 
 them as soon as I get home." 
 
 A Welsh Discowrse. 
 
 A Welsh parson in his discourse told his congre- 
 gation " how kind and respectful we should be one 
 to another," and said, "we were even inferior to 
 brutes in that point." He brought in an example of 
 two goats, which met one another upon a very nar- 
 row bridge over a river, so that they could not pass 
 by without one thrusting the other off. " How do 
 you think they did ? I'll tell you, one laid him down 
 and let the other leap over him. Ah ! beloved, let 
 us live like goats." 
 
 Wilkes and the Bear. 
 
 Wilkes, with a friend, went to Dolly's to dine. A 
 person was sitting in a box eating a beefsteak. 
 Wilkes doubting whether he would have beef or 
 mutton-steak, said to this person, " pray, sir, is the 
 beef tender ?" u Why don't you order a steak and 
 try, instead of asking me," was the answer. " Do 
 you not see," said Wilkes, turning to his friend, 
 "the difference between this place and the bear 
 garden ? There they lead a bear to the stake ; here 
 they bring the steak to the bear." 
 
THB WORLD'8 JEST-BOOK. 147 
 
 A Whimsical Apology. 
 
 Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, who served 
 George the Third, was a great favourite with the 
 good old king, and was admitted to the honours of 
 the royal hunt. Returning from the chase one day, 
 his majesty entered, in his usual affable manner, into 
 conversation with him, riding side by side with him 
 for some distance. Lord Walsingham was in atten- 
 dance, and watching an opportunity, whispered to 
 Mr. Carbonel, that he had not once taken his hat 
 off before his majesty, "What's that, what's that, 
 Walsingham V inquired the good-humoured mo- 
 narch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, " I find I have 
 been guilty of unintentional disrespect to your ma- 
 jesty in not taking off my hat, but your majesty will 
 please to observe that, whenever I hunt, my hat 
 is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my head, and 
 I am on the back of a high-spirited horse ; so that 
 if any thing goes off, we must all go off together I" 
 The king laughed heartily at this whimsical apology. 
 
 Dean Swift and Margaret Styles. 
 
 Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of 
 Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to drink- 
 ing. Though frequently admonished by him, ho one 
 day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bun- 
 dle of sticks, with which, being in her old way, she 
 tumbled in. The dean, after severely rebuking her, 
 asked her, " Where she thought of going to V 9 
 (meaning after death.) " I'll tell you, sir," said she, 
 " if you'll help me up." When he had assisted her, 
 and repeated the question- — "Where do I think of 
 going to ?" said she, " where the best liquor is, to 
 be sure." 
 
148 wrr and wisdom ; or. 
 
 Repartee of Henry, Duke of Norfolk, 
 
 When Henry, Duke of Norfolk (the only Protes- 
 tant of the family before the late Duke), was attend- 
 ing James IT. in his duty as Earl Marshal, to, the 
 Popish chapel of the Court, he stopped short at the 
 door, and, making his bow to the king, suffered him 
 to pass on without accompanying him. The king was 
 piqued, and turning round, observed, "My lord, your 
 father would have gone further." "Your majesty's 
 father would not have gone so far." 
 
 An Electioneering Anecdote. 
 
 Mr. Coote, an ancestor of the late Lord Bella- 
 mont, adopted the following method to carry his 
 election for the county of Cavan, in Ireland. Op- 
 posed by two gentlemen, leagued in interest, and 
 who had been repeatedly returned to Parliament 
 for that county, Mr. Coote, on mounting the hus- 
 tings, placed four bags before him, each containing 
 1,000 guineas. After thanking the first that voted 
 for him for his suffrage, he said," Pray, friend, how 
 many miles are you from home ?" " Five, your ho- 
 nour." " Then there are five guineas to carry you 
 home." A second voter. " How many miles, sir, 
 are you from home ?" " Ten, sir," " There are ten 
 guineas to bear the expenses of your journey." The 
 news instantly ran like wild-fire ; in short, before 
 two bags were thus expended, the election was en- 
 tirely in favour of Mr. Coote. As this gentleman 
 made no canvass previous to the election, nor so 
 much as asked a single voter for his suffrage, no law 
 then in being, could bring the manoeuvre under the 
 description of bribery and corruption. 
 
THE world's jest-book. 149 
 
 The Expeditious Painter. 
 
 A certain nobleman having built a chapel, had a 
 mind the stair-case leading to it should be orna- 
 mented with some scripture history, which he at 
 last determined should be the Children of Israel 
 passing through the Red Sea, and the Egyptians 
 pursuing them. A painter was employed on this 
 occasion, and fell to work immediately, and after he 
 had daubed the wall from top to bottom with red 
 paint, he called to his lordship, and told him the 
 work was done. " Done !" quoth the peer. " What's 
 done ? Where are the Children of Israel V 9 " My 
 lord, they are gone over," replied the painter. 
 " But, zounds ! where are the Egyptians, then V 9 
 " The Egyptians, my lord ? why they are drowned, 
 to be sure." 
 
 Bad Temper. 
 
 A gentleman of considerable talent and sarcastic 
 humour, and withal a very good man, though oc- 
 casionally troubled with an infirmity of temper, or 
 genus irritabile, so common to poets and men of su- 
 perior attainments, on being remonstrated with, by 
 an old friend, at so frequently losing his temper on 
 trifling occasions, wittily replied, " Losing my tem- 
 per, sir ! I have been trying to lose it these thirty 
 years, for I know it is a d — d bad one." 
 
 Crab's Tails. 
 
 A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had 
 just got Crabbe 9 s Tales, and thought them excellent ; 
 another lady heard the observation with astonish- 
 ment, and, on the departure of the speaker, asked 
 the bookseller, with a very grave face, a If he could 
 tell her how the crab's tails were dressed, as she 
 was very desirous of tasting them." 
 
150 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Whimsical Circumstance, 
 
 When Isaiah Thomas, the printer, of Massa- 
 chusetts, was printing his almanack for 1788, one of 
 his boys asked him what he should put opposite 
 July 13. Mr. Thomas being engaged, replied, "any 
 thing he liked." The boy returned to the office, 
 and set — hail, rain, and snow ! The country was 
 all amazement — the day arrived, when it actually 
 rained, hailed, and snowed violently ; from that 
 time Thomas's Almanacks were in great demand. 
 
 VARIETIES. 
 
 1. — Joe Millar, sitting in the window at the Sun 
 Tavern, in Clare-street, while a fish-woman was 
 passing by, crying, " Buy my soals, buy my maids V 9 
 " Ah ! you wicked old creature !" said Joe, " are 
 you not content to sell your own soul, but you must 
 sell your maid's too ?" 
 
 2. — The Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a 
 village near London, who advertised that he in- 
 tended to keep a Sunday school twice a week — 
 Tuesday and Thursday, reminds us of the mock 
 mayor of a place in the west, who declared, on his 
 election, that he was resolved to hold his quarter- 
 sessions monthly. 
 
 3. — Lord B , who sports a ferocious pair of 
 
 whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connell in Dublin, the lat- 
 ler said, " When do you mean to place your whis- 
 kers on the peace establishment ?" "When you place 
 your tongue on the civil list? 9 ' was the witty re- 
 joinder. 
 
THB WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 151 
 
 4. — It was said of a great calumniator, and a fre- 
 quenter of other persons' tables, that he never 
 opened his mouth but at another man's expense. 
 
 5. — One morning a party came into the public 
 rooms, at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and 
 requested some tongue. They were told that Lord 
 Byron had eaten it all. ft I am very angry with his 
 lordship," said a lady, loud enough for him to hear 
 the observation. '*I am sorry for it, madam," re- 
 torted Lord Byron, " but before I ate the tongue I 
 was assured you did not want it." 
 
 6. — It was with as much delicacy as satire that 
 Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, 
 the answer, u That it would be read when Homer 
 and Virgil were forgotten, but not till then" 
 
 7. — A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, in 
 order to take them to the Paris Observatory, where 
 the celebrated Cassini was to observe an eclipse of 
 the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed 
 by the toilet ; and the eclipse was over when the 
 petit-maitre appeared at the door. He was informed 
 he had come too late, and that all was past. " Never 
 mind, ladies," said he, " step up ; Monsieur Cassini 
 is a particular friend of mine ; he will be so obliging 
 as to begin again for me." 
 
 8.' — Dr. Robertson observed that Johnson's jokes 
 were the rebukes of the righteous, described in 
 scripture as being like excellent oil. " Yes," ex- 
 claimed Burke, " oil of vitriol !" 
 
 9. — A Dublin shoe-black, of some pretensions to 
 wit, seeing a jackeen (dandy, in the Irish metro- 
 polis, is the equivalent,) of consequence passing his 
 stand on Carlisle Bridge, observed to his fellows : — ■ 
 " There he goes, and the only polish he has is on his 
 boots, and it was I gave him that." 
 
1 52 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 10. — Foote being in company, and the "Tuscan 
 grape" producing more riot than concord, he ob- 
 served one gentleman so far gone in debate as to 
 throw the bottle at his antagonist's head, upon 
 which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored 
 the harmony of the company, by observing that " if 
 the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them 
 would be able to stand out the evening." 
 
 11. — On the Duke of York's horse Moses win- 
 ning a match at Ascot, his royal highness appeared 
 to look very thoughtful. A spectator asked Mr. 
 Hunt, who happened to be present, what he sup- 
 posed the royal sportsman could then be pondering 
 on ? " Why, you know," replied Mr. H., " that 
 the duke is a bishop, and he is doubtless thinking 
 of Moses and the profits." 
 
 12. — " In one of my visits, very early in life, to 
 that venerable master Dr. Pepusch," says Dr. Bur- 
 ney, " he gave me a short lesson, which made so 
 deep an impression that I long endeavoured to 
 practise it. * When I was a young man,' said he, 
 * I determined never to go to bed at night till I 
 knew something that I did not know in the morning.' " 
 
 13. — Theatrical Attraction. — In a little town in 
 Germany, the directors of the theatre, seeking to 
 draw a house, advertised, that in a melo-drame 
 which was to be performed, they would exhibit the 
 head of a noted robber ; and, in order to effect this, 
 one of the actor's was placed in such a manner that 
 the head alone was exhibited upon a table ; but a 
 wag , willing to have a laugh at the expense of the 
 manager, slily placed a small quantity of sneezing- 
 powder in such a manner that it came in contact 
 with the nose of the reputed robber's head, and 
 caused it to burst into a violent fit of sneezing, to 
 the great amusement of the audience. 
 
the world's jest-book. 153 
 
 14. — The Great Book is the French police regis- 
 ter of prostitution. There is no mincing those 
 things in France. If a woman of light conduct, 
 whatsoever her station in life, be caught two or 
 three times as a party in suspicious assignations, 
 down she goes upon the Great Book. Her five 
 francs monthly subscription are demanded, as from 
 a common prostitute, and she is subject to la visite 
 from the officier de Sante. An English lady of some 
 rank, but light morals, was once nearly caught by 
 the police. The latter behaved civilly, however, 
 and sent her a note to advise more caution in her 
 amours in future. 
 
 15. — A grave writer on the laws of England 
 says, that " when a jury of matrons is empannelled, 
 the foreman ought to be a woman of known and 
 good repute !" 
 
 16. — The painter Vernet relates that somebody 
 had once employed him to paint a landscape, with 
 a cave, and St. Jerome in it. He accordingly 
 painted the landscape, with St. Jerome in the en- 
 trance of the cave. But when he delivered the 
 picture, the purchaser, who understood nothing of 
 perspective, said, u The landscape and the cave are 
 well made, but St. Jerome is not in the cave." " I 
 understand you, sir," replied Vernet, " 1 will alter 
 it." He therefore took the painting, and made the 
 shade darker, so that the saint seemed to sit further 
 in. The gentleman took the painting, and it again 
 appeared to him that the saint was not in the cave. 
 Vernet then wiped out the figure, and gave it to the 
 gentleman, who seemed perfectly satisfied. When- 
 ever he saw strangers, to whom he showed the pic- 
 ture, he said, u Here you see a picture, by Vernet, 
 with St. Jerome in his cave." " But we do not see 
 the saint," replied the visitors. " Excuse me, gen- 
 
154 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 tlemen," answered the owner u he is there, for I 
 have seen him standing at the entrance, and after- 
 wards farther back, and therefore I am quite sure 
 that he is in it." 
 
 17. — A country gentleman, walking in his fields, 
 saw his gardener asleep under a tree. % What/' 
 said he, "asleep when you should be at work — 
 you idle wretch you are not worthy that, the sun 
 should shine on you." ." I am truly sensible of my 
 own unworthiness," replied the man, "and there- 
 fore I laid me down in the shade." 
 
 18. — Theatrical Eloquence. — An address, deli- 
 vered by the manager of a small theatre in Ireland, 
 there being only three persons in the house : — 
 u Ladies and gentlemen — As there is nobody here, 
 I'll dismiss you all ; the performances of this night 
 will not be performed ; but the performances of this 
 night will be repeated to-morrow evening." 
 
 19. — A gentleman, having a remarkably long vi- 
 sage, was one day riding by the school, at the gate 
 of which he overheard young Sheridan say to ano- 
 ther lad, •* That gentleman's face is longer than his 
 life." Struck by the strangeness of this rude ob- 
 servation, the man turned his horse's head, and re- 
 quested an explanation. " Sir," said the boy, (e I 
 mean no offence in the world ; but I have read in 
 the Bible at school, that a man's life is but a span, 
 and I am sure your face is double that length." 
 The gentleman could not help laughing, and he 
 threw the lad sixpence for his wit. 
 
 20.—" What is eternity ?"— The following beau- 
 tiful answer, by a pupil of the Deaf and Dumb 
 school at Paris, contains a sublimity of conception 
 scarcely to be equalled : — " The life time of the 
 Almighty." 
 
the world's jest-book. 155 
 
 21. — At Gibralter there was a great scarcity of 
 water, and a general complaint of the want of it. 
 An Irish officer said, " He was very easy about the 
 matter, for he had nothing to do with water, if he 
 only got his tea in the morning, and punch at night, 
 it was all that he wanted." 
 
 22. — A certain bon vivant parson, having made 
 too free with the bottle at a dinner in the neigh- 
 bourhood, had the misfortune in returning home to 
 fall from his horse ; some country fellows who saw 
 the accident replaced him in his saddle, but with 
 his face towards the horse's tail ; in this situation 
 old Dobbin conveyed him safely to his own door. 
 His wife, seeing the condition he was in, exclaimed, 
 " Good God ! my dear, you are wonderfully cut. ,, 
 "Cut, indeed," says he, feeling before him with 
 both his hands, " gad, I believe they have cut my 
 horse's head off." 
 
 23. — Lord Hunsdon, a distinguished nobleman 
 in the court of Elizabeth, once said, " To have the 
 courage to notice an offront is to be upon a level 
 with an adversary : to have the charity to forgive 
 it, is to be above him." 
 
 24. — It was so natural for Dr. Watts, when a 
 child, to speak in rhyme, that even at the very 
 time he wished to avoid it he could not. His fa- 
 ther was displeased at this propensity, and threat- 
 ened to whip him if he did not leave off making 
 verses. One day when he was about to put his 
 threat in execution, the child burst into tears, and, 
 on his knees, said — 
 
 * Pray father, do some pity take, 
 And I will no mere verses make." 
 
 25. — Lord Chancellor Hardwick was very fond 
 of entertaining his visitors with the following story 
 of his bailiff, who, having been ordered by his 
 
156 WIT and wisdom; or, 
 
 lady to procure a sow of a particular description 
 came one day in the dining-room when full of com- 
 pany, proclaiming, with a burst of joy he could not 
 suppress, " I have been at Royston fair, my lady, 
 and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's 
 size." 
 
 26.— A Match for *a Bailiff.— Two Sheriff's offi- 
 cers were recently sent to execute a writ against a 
 Quaker, well known in the city. On arriving at 
 his house, they saw his wife, who, in reply to their 
 inquiries whether her husband was at home, re- 
 plied in the affirmative ; at the same time request- 
 ing they would be seated, and he should speedily 
 see them. The officers waited patiently for some 
 time, but he did not make his appearance ; and the 
 fair Quakeress coming into the room, they re- 
 minded her of her promise that they should see her 
 husband. "Nay, friends," replied she, "I pro- 
 mised that he should see thee, he has seen thee — 
 he doth not like thy looks ; and therefore hath a- 
 voided thy path, and quitted his house by another 
 road." 
 
 27. — As Sir Walter Scott was riding, a short 
 time since, with a friend, in the neighbourhood of 
 Abbotsford, he came to a field-gate, which an Irish 
 beggar, who happened to be near, hastened to open 
 for him. Sir Walter was desirous of rewarding 
 this civility by the present of sixpence, but found 
 that he had not so small a coin in his purse/ 
 " Here, my good fellow," said the baronet, "here 
 is a shilling for } ou ; but mind, you owe me six- 
 pence." " God bless your honour f ' exclaimed 
 Pat ; "may your honour live till I pay you." 
 
 28. — In the evening of the day on which Sir 
 Eardley Wilmot kissed hands on being appointed 
 chief justice, his son, a youth of seventeen, attended 
 
the world's jest-book. 157 
 
 him to his bed-side. " Now," said he, * my son, I 
 will tell you a secret wo~*th knowing and remem- 
 bering. The elevation I have met with in life, par- 
 ticularly this last instance of it, has not been owing 
 to any superior merit or abilities, but to my hu- 
 mility ; to my not setting up myself above others, 
 and to an uniform endeavour to pass through life, 
 void of offence towards God and man." — A gen- 
 tleman once went to him under the impression of 
 great wrath and indignation at a real injury he had 
 received from a person high in power, and which 
 he was meditating how to resent in the most effec- 
 tual manner. After relating the particulars, he 
 asked Sir Eardley if he did not think it would be 
 manly to resent it ? " Yes," said the christian 
 knight, " it will be manly to resent it, but it will be 
 God-like to forgive it." This had such an effect up- 
 on the gentleman, that he came away quite a differ- 
 ent man, and in a very subdued temper from that 
 in which he went. 
 
 29. — Lord Waldegrave abjured the Catholic re- 
 ligion ; he was afterwards appointed ambassador at 
 Paris, and was one day teased upon the subject of 
 his conversion by the Duke of Berwick. "Pray 
 Mr. Ambassador," said he, " who had most to do 
 in your conversion — the ministers of state, or the 
 ministers of religion ?" " That is a question," said 
 his lordship calmly, "you must excuse my an- 
 swering, for when I ceased to be a Catholic I re- 
 nounced confession." 
 
 30. — 'Tis reported of Foote, that when he was 
 applied to for the principal and interest of a debt 
 rather considerable, he wrote his creditor the fol- 
 lowing concise and comprehensive note : u It is 
 not my interest to pay the principal, and T have not 
 the principle to pay the interest." 
 
158 WIT AtfD WISDOM J OR, 
 
 31. — Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to re- 
 quest a private audience of King James I., but was 
 refused admittance into the royal closet by a spruce- 
 ly-dressed countryman of the king's. James hear- 
 ing the altercation between the two, came out, and 
 inquired the cause. "My liege," replied Lord 
 Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused 
 me admittance to your presence." " Cousin," said 
 the king, " how shall I punish him ? Shall I send 
 him to the Tower?" "0 no, my liege," replied 
 Lord Stanley, " inflict a severer punishment ; send 
 him back to Scotland." 
 
 32. — An honest Hibernian, whose hank-docket (to 
 use his own phrase) had stopped payment, was for- 
 ced to the sad necessity of perambulating the 
 streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want 
 of a few pence to pay his lodgings, when acci- 
 dentally hearing a person talk of the Lying-in Hos- 
 pital, he exclaimed, " That's the place for me ! 
 Where is it, honey ? for I've been laying-out these 
 two nights past." 
 
 33. — Sir Henry Sidney was the virtuous and 
 brave father of a still more renowned son, Sir Phi- 
 lip Sidney. He once said to a friend of a fretful 
 and querulous temper, with all the sententiousness 
 and wisdom of the philosophers of old, "Take from 
 me, sir, this maxim : A weak man complains of 
 others, an unfortunate man complains of himself, but 
 a wise man complains neither of others nor of him- 
 self." 
 
 34. — An Hiberman lad, ascending one day with a 
 hod of bricks, just as he reached the top of the lad- 
 der fell a distance of forty feet ; a chimney-sweeper, 
 who was passing at the time, said, " Where the 
 devil did you come from ?" " Please your honour," 
 replied Paddy, " I came from the North of Ireland." 
 
tub world's jest-book. 159 
 
 35. — At a grand review by George III. of the 
 Portsmouth fleet, in 1789, there was a boy who 
 mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to 
 surprise every spectator The king particularly no- 
 ticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, " Lothian, I have 
 heard much of your agility ; let us see you run up 
 after that boy." "Sire," replied Lord Lothian, 
 "it is my duty to folloio your majesty," 
 
 36. — A loving husband once waited on a physi- 
 cian to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, 
 which were very sore. " Let her wash them " said 
 the doctor, " every morning with a small glass of 
 brandy." A few weeks after the doctor chanced to 
 meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your 
 wife followed my advice ?" " She has done every 
 thing in her power to do it, doctor," said the spouse, 
 " but she never could get the glass higher than her 
 mouth." 
 
 37. — A fellow, walking down Holborn-hill on a 
 sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman 
 without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, 
 and courteously asked him what was the matter ? 
 " Sir," says the old man, " an impudent puppy has 
 just snatched my hat off, and run away with it ; I 
 have run after him until I have lost my breath, and 
 cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther." 
 "What, not a step?" says the fellow. "Not a 
 step," returned he. "Why then, by Jupiter, I 
 must have your wig/ 9 and snatching off his fine 
 flowing caxon, the thief was out of sight with it in 
 a minute. 
 
 38. — The late Duke of N , who was what is 
 
 called a six-bottle man, was very fond of the so- 
 ciety of a person much his inferior in rank, and their 
 intimacy has been very rationally accounted for on 
 the principle of mutual assistance. The duke, when 
 
160 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 inebriated, lost his voice, but retained the use of 
 his limbs ; his friend, on the contrary, retained his 
 power of speech, but could not stand. So the duke, 
 who could not speak, rang the bell ; and his friend, 
 who could not move, ordered more wine. 
 
 39. — Mr. Palmer going home, after the business 
 of the theatre was concluded one evening, saw a 
 man lying on the ground, with another on him beat- 
 ing him violently ; upon this he remonstrated with 
 the uppermost, telling him his conduct was unfair, 
 and that he ought to let his opponent get up, and 
 have an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly 
 turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied 
 u Faith, sir, if you had been at so much trouble to 
 get him down as I have you would not be for let- 
 ting him get up so readily." 
 
 40. — When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a con- 
 sultation of physicians was called. "Dear gen- 
 tlemen," said the wit to the doctors, raising his 
 languid head, " let me die a natural death." 
 
 41. — There was a lady of the west country that 
 gave a great entertainment at her house to most of 
 the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, and among 
 others Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though 
 otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good house- 
 wife ; and in the morning betimes she called to one 
 of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, 
 " Are the pigs served ?" Sir Walter Raleigh's 
 chamber was close to the lady's. A little before 
 dinner the lady came down in great state into the 
 great chamber, which was full of gentlemen, and as 
 soon as Sir Walter cast his eyes upon her, "Ma- 
 dam," said he, " are the pigs served V 9 The lady 
 answered, " You know best whether you have hac 
 your hrealcfast" 
 
THE WORLD'S JE3T>BOOK. 161 
 
 42 — Rcmk. — A French nobleman having a dispute 
 with a simple officer, addressed him in the follow- 
 ing imperious style. i( Remember, sir, who you&re, 
 and who / am." The officer, who knew that the 
 marquis had attained rank and fortune by means 
 of the king's having been partial to his wife, imme- 
 diately replied, " If you go by that, my lord, we are 
 both of us what Ms majesty has been pleased to make 
 us ; I an officer, and your lordship a cuckold." 
 
 43. — Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a 
 physician, went from Hanover to attend Frederick 
 the Great in his last illness. One day the king said 
 to him, a You have, I presume, sir, helped many a 
 man into another world V 9 This was rather a bit- 
 ter pill for the doctor ; but the dose he gave the 
 king was a judicious mixture of truth and flattery : 
 " Not so many as your majesty, nor with so much 
 honour to myself." 
 
162 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 44. — Mutual Obligation. — A tradesman's letter 
 to a debtor — " Sir, if you will favour me with the 
 amount of my bill, you will oblige me ; if not, I must 
 oblige you." 
 
 45. — Captain Mason was once inspecting the 
 Tower Hamlets' Recruits at Bethnal-green, and 
 discovering a man not quite so clean in his appear- 
 ance as he ought to be, bawled out with stentorian 
 lungs to the drill serjeant, " Who is that man stand- 
 ing second in the front rank ? — " Donaghoo, sir," 
 replied the serjeant. "Dont know who ?" said the 
 captain ; " if you don't, who the devil should ? But 
 I'll teach you how to know," and was about to 
 order him to the guard-house, when an explanation 
 of the mistake took place, to the great amusement 
 of the corps. 
 
 46. — " Mademoiselle," said Louis XV. to a young 
 lady belonging to his court, " I am assured that you 
 are very learned, and understand four or five con- 
 tinental languages." "I know only two, sire," 
 answered she, trembling. " Which are they V 9 
 "English and Italian." "Do you speak them flu- 
 ently." " Yes, sire, very fluently." " That is quite 
 enough to drive a husband mad !" 
 
 47. — The Irish have been generally considered as 
 a blundering nation ; but perhaps they are not more 
 likely to commit errors of this nature than ourselves. 
 No Irishman ever uttered a better bull than did an 
 honest John, who being asked by a friend, "has 
 your sister got a son or daughter ?" replied, " Upon 
 my word, I don't yet know whether I am an uncle 
 or an aunt." 
 
 48. — Once, in a large company, Dr. Richard 
 Busby sat at table between Mrs. Lough and Mrs. 
 Sherlock, when the conversation turned upon wives. 
 Dr, Busby said, he believed wives in general were 
 
the world's jest-book. 163 
 
 good, " though to be sure," added he, looking first 
 to the right, and then to the left, " there may be a 
 bad one here, and a bad one there." 
 
 49. — Effect of Eloquence. — A country clergyman 
 preaching a very dull sermon, set all his congrega- 
 tion asleep, except a poor fellow, who was generally 
 considered deficient in intellect. At length the re- 
 verend orator, looking round, exclaimed, with great 
 indignation, — " What ! all asleep but this poor 
 idiot !" "Ay," quoth the fellow, "and if I had not 
 been an idiot I should have gone to sleep too." 
 
 50. — Folly of Burying a Lawyer. — Scene. — The 
 Street of a Village. — A funeral procession entering 
 the church-yard. 
 
 Stranger. Pray, sir, who is it they are taking to 
 his long home ? 
 
 Farmer. Mr. M'Quirk, sir, a great attorney in 
 these parts. 
 
 Stranger. What ! do you bury attorneys in this 
 county. 
 
 Farmer. Bury them \ to be sure we do ! Why, 
 don't you ? 
 
 Stranger. Oh, no ! we never think of such a thing. 
 When an attorney dies, we lay him out, throw open 
 the window, and lock the door : in the morning the 
 body is gone ! There is, to be sure, a strong smell 
 of brimstone in the room ; but it soon goes off. 
 
 Farmer. Surprising! 
 
 51. — Lord Camden once presided at a trial in 
 which a charge was brought against a magistrate for 
 false imprisonment, and for setting the plaintiff in 
 the stocks. The counsel for the magistrate, in his 
 reply, said, the charges were trifling, particularly 
 that of setting in the stocks, which every body knew 
 was no punishment at all. The Chief Justice rose, 
 and, leaning over the bench, said, in a half whisper, 
 
164 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 " Brother, were you ever in the stocks V 9 " In the 
 stocks, my lord ! no, never." " Then I have," said 
 his lordship, " and I assure you, brother, it is no 
 such trifle as you represent." His lordship's know- 
 ledge of the stocks arose from the following circum- 
 stance. When he was on a visit to Lord Dacre, 
 his brother-in-law, at Alveley in Essex, he walked 
 out one day with a gentleman remarkable for his 
 absence of mind. When they had reached a hill at 
 some distance from the house, his lordship sat down 
 on the parish stocks, which stood by the road side ; 
 and, after some time, asked his companion to open 
 them, as he wished to know what the punishment 
 was ; this being done, the absent gentleman took a 
 book from his pocket, and sauntered about, until he 
 forgot both the judge and the situation, and returned 
 to Lord Dacre's house. When the judge was tired 
 of the experiment he had so rashly made, he found 
 himself unable to open the stocks ; and asked a 
 countryman, who passed by, to assist him. "No, 
 no, old gentleman," replied Hodge, " you was not 
 
 set there for nothing." Lord C protested his 
 
 innocence, but in vain ; the countryman walked on, 
 and left his lordship to meditate for some time 
 longer in his foolish situation, until some of Lord 
 D 's servants, chancing to pass that way, re- 
 leased him. 
 
 52. — Her late majesty Queen Caroline, then 
 Princess of Wales, took great interest in the wel- 
 fare of the celebrated little minstrel, Miss Randies : 
 she was invited to pass a few days at Black heath, 
 where she was introduced to the Princess Charlotte, 
 who soon became very much attached to her. One 
 day while amusing themselves in some innocent pas- 
 time, the princess Charlotte said to Miss Randies : 
 " Do you know that my grandfather is the King of 
 
the world's jest-book. 165 
 
 England and my father Prince of Wales !" "Well," 
 quickly replied Bessy, " and my father is organist 
 of Wrexham." 
 
 53. — A person once came running almost out of 
 breath to the Lord Chancellor Thurlow, saying, 
 a My lord, I bring you tidings of calamity to the 
 nation, and I do not know how far the direful effects 
 of it may spread, to endanger the church and state." 
 "What is the matter, man ?" said the impatient 
 chancellor. " My lord," continued the person, " a 
 rebellion has broke out — " u Where, where 2" "In 
 the Isle of Man." " In the Isle of Man ?" repeated 
 the vociferous chancellor, " a tempest in a tea-pot." 
 
 54. — A man was tried at the Old Bailey for steal- 
 ing a pair of boots from a shop door in Holborn, 
 with which* he ran away. 
 
 Judge — To witness, who had pursued and seized 
 the prisoner. What did he say when you caught 
 him? 
 
 Witness. My lord, he said that he took the boots 
 in joke. 
 
 Judge. And pray how far did he carry the joke ? 
 
 Witness. About forty yards, please your lordship. 
 
 55. — At a late meeting of the fraternity of ranters, 
 at Shotley Bridge, their preacher, after descanting 
 for some time on the superiority of the brute crea- 
 tion over man, on the score of gratitude, clinched 
 his argument with the following illustration : " If 
 you look to the hens, they never so much as take 
 a drink of water without raising their bills to hea- 
 ven, in token of gratitude ;" and then added, " Oh I 
 that we were all hens !" To which one of the truly 
 edified congregation loudly responded, " Amen !" 
 
 56. — One day when Sir Isaac Heard was with 
 his majesty King George III. it was announced that 
 his majesty's horse was ready to start for hunting. 
 
165 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 u Sir Isaac," said the monarch, " are you a judge of 
 horses ?" " In my younger days, please your ma- 
 jesty," was the reply, " I was a great deal among 
 them." " What do you think of this, then ?" said 
 the king, who was by this time preparing to mount 
 his favourite ; and without waiting for an answer, 
 added, " We call him Perfection." * A most ap- 
 propriate name," replied the courtly herald, bowing 
 as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he bears 
 the best of characters." 
 
 57. — A butcher in Smithfield, lying at the point 
 of death, said to his wife, " My dear, I am not long 
 for this world ; therefore, I advise you to marry 
 our man John ; he's a lusty strong fellow, fit for 
 your business." " ! dear husband," said she, 
 " never let that trouble you, for John and I have 
 agreed upon the matter already." 
 
 58. — A curious conversation is said to have 
 taken place on board one of the Margate hoys 
 which, being overheard, occasioned no small mer- 
 riment among the passengers. A gentleman, who 
 was totally unacquainted with the custom of those 
 vessels, remained on deck till all the cabins were 
 doubly occupied, one excepted, in which was a lady. 
 He addressed himself to her : " Pray, madam, be 
 so kind as to make room for me." "Good God, 
 sir ! you cannot come here ; go to the other cabins." 
 " I have, madam, and I find they are all full." 
 " Sir, it is impossible to admit you here, for / am 
 undressed" "Well, madam, I scorn to take any 
 advantage of you ; I will, therefore, undress, too !" 
 
 59. — A facetious farmer of Yorkshire, who had 
 a mind to be witty at the expense of decorum, lately 
 received a rebuff, which was taken with as much 
 good humour as it was given. A lady has been 
 walking with him over the farm, showing him her 
 
the world's jest-book. 167 
 
 sheep and other stock ; on their return, just as they 
 were entering the house, the lady exclaimed, 
 " Dear me, you have not seen my calf, sir." " No, 
 ma'am," said the farmer, u I never saw any higher 
 than your ankle" The lady, of course, felt herself 
 rather confused at this unexpected sally ; but, soon 
 recollecting herself, observed, " that she should 
 never see a calf again without thinking of him." 
 
 60. — A country fellow being examined as witness 
 in a trial on an action for defamation, the judge 
 bade him repeat the very words he had heard 
 spoken. The fellow was loth to speak, and hemmed 
 and hawed for a good space ; but, being urged by 
 the judge, he at last spoke : " My lord," said he, 
 ei you are a cuckold." The judge, seeing the people 
 begin to laugh, called to him, and bade him address 
 himself to the jury. 
 
 61. — Civility — Two gentlemen at Bath having a 
 difference, one went to the other's door early in the 
 morning, and wrote scoundrel upon it. The other 
 called upon his neighbour, and was answered by a 
 servant, that his master was not at home, but that 
 if he had any thing to say, he might leave it with 
 him. "No, no," says he, " I was only going to re- 
 turn your master's visit, as he left his name at my 
 door this morning." 
 
 62. — A person having the misfortune to admit as 
 a lodger into his house an individual of improper 
 character, named Bell, turned him out, with this 
 remark, that " he would never keep a tell in his 
 house that wanted hanging." 
 
 63. — An Irishman was once brought before a 
 magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The 
 magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a 
 villain % " Please your worship," says Paddy, " I 
 was trying to get a good one." 
 
16& WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 64. — A gentleman observed one day to Mr. 
 Henry Erskine who was a great punster, that pun- 
 ning is the lowest sort of wit. "It is so," answered 
 he, " and therefore the foundation of all wit." 
 
 65. — At one of our sea-ports a noble naval com- 
 mander, who was a strict disciplinarian, accosted a 
 drunken sailor in the street, with " What ship do 
 you belong to ?" Jack, who was a dry fellow, not- 
 withstanding he was drunk, and had a very eccen- 
 tric countenance, answered with much sang-froid, 
 "Don't know." " Do you know who I am?" " No." 
 " Why, I am commander-in-chief." " Then," re- 
 plied he, archly, " you have a d— — d good berth 
 of it — that's all I know !" 
 
 66. — Fletcher, bishop of Nismes, was the son of 
 a 'tallow-chandler. A proud duke once endea- 
 voured to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the le- 
 vee, that he smelt of tallow ; to which the bishop 
 replied, "My lord, I am the son of a chandler, it is 
 true, and if your lordship had been the same, you 
 would have remained a tallow-chandler all the days 
 of your life." 
 
 67. — -New Fruit. — A fellow, who loved laughing 
 better than his meat, put a number of rams' horns 
 into a basket, and went up and down the streets at 
 the west end of the town, crying, " New fruit, new- 
 fruit, ho !" as loud as he could bawl. Lord Jersey, 
 hearing the noise, put his head out of the drawing- 
 room window, and asked the fellow to show him 
 his fruit ; which having looked at, he asked him if 
 he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet neigh- 
 bourhood ; " for who the deuce," says the peer, 
 " do you think will buy horns V* " Well, master," 
 replied the fellow, " do not put yourself in a passion : 
 though you are provided, I may meet with other 
 men that are not." 
 
the world's jest-book. 169 
 
 68. — Simplicity and Gratitude. — The late Ma- 
 dame de Nainoun had charitably brought up a poor 
 child. When the child was about nine years old, 
 she said to her benefactress, " Madam, no one can 
 be more grateful for your charity than I am, and I 
 cannot acknowledge it better than by telling every- 
 body I am your daughter ; but do not be alarmed, 
 I will not say that I am your lawful child, only your 
 illegitimate daughter." 
 
 69. — Bacon and Hog. — Sir Nicholas Bacon, a 
 judge in the time of Queen Elizabeth, was once, 
 while on the bench, importuned by a criminal to 
 spare his life on account of his kindred. " How so ?" 
 asked the judge. " Because my name is Hog and 
 yours is Bacon ; and hog and bacon are so near a 
 kin, that they cannot be separated." u Ay," said 
 the judge, "but you and I cannot be kindred except 
 ye be hanged : for hog is not oacon until it be well 
 hanged." 
 
 70. — A certain king's sergeant of the present day, 
 famous for browbeating the evidences by him in any 
 and every trial in which he is concerned, was inter- 
 rogating an old woman at Exeter, who was brought 
 to prove a circumstance which happened in her 
 memory, and could not be ascertained by her. Ser- 
 geant D. said to her, a Why, old woman, will you 
 take upon you, on your oath, to say that you re- 
 member this circumstance, which happened so very 
 .long time ago ?" "0 yes, sir," replied the woman, 
 " I can remember things much longer ago than that f 9 
 "Why, what can you remember longer ago than 
 that?" rejoined the sergeant. "Why," said the 
 woman, "I remember when you yourself was a 
 broken tradesman in this town, and did not pay any 
 one more than half-a-crown in the pound," Thi? 
 put the court into an immoderate fit of laughter ; 
 
170 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 after whieh the sergeant told the court, that the wo- 
 man was certainly wrong in her information, "for 
 that he did not pay them any thing in the pound." 
 
 71. — A Tender Maid. — Counsellor Garrow, dur- 
 ing his cross-examination of a prevaricating old 
 female witness, by which it was essential to prove 
 that a tender of money had been made, had a scrap 
 of paper thrown to him by a counsel on the other 
 side, and on it was written — 
 
 " Garrow, submit ; that tough old jade 
 Can never prove — a tender maid /" 
 
 72. — In the parish of Mandreville, says a French 
 writer, a few leagues from Elbeuf, in Normandy, 
 stood a small statue of St. Matthew, which repre- 
 sented the Evangelist in the act of driving the devil 
 out of the head of a woman at his knees. The bishop 
 of the diocese, on his first visitation in this parish, 
 pointing to the statue, said pleasantly to the priest, 
 " Ah ! Monsieur Abbe, if this saint of yours was 
 but better known, your benefice would be far more 
 valuable than my bishopric." 
 
 73. — The Force of Habit. — It is said of a Bath 
 physician, that he could not prescribe even for him- 
 self without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he 
 took a guinea out of one pocket, and put it into the 
 other. 
 
 74. — A high Authority. — Mr. Curran was once 
 engaged in a legal argument ; behind him stood his 
 colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably 
 tall and slender, and who had originally intended to 
 take orders. The judge observing that the case 
 under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical 
 law, " Then," said Curran, " I can refer your lord- 
 ship to a high authority behind me, who was once 
 intended for the church, though, in my opinion he 
 was fitter for the steeple." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 171 
 
 75. — An aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. 
 In her distress, for fear of the loss of this her prin- 
 cipal means of support, she had recourse to the rec- 
 tor, in the virtue of whose prayers she had implicit 
 faith, and humbly besought his reverence to visit 
 her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy 
 man, instead of being offended at his trait of sim- 
 plicity, in order to comfort the poor woman, called 
 in the afternoon at her cottage, and, proceeded to 
 visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he 
 at each time gravely repeated, " If she dies she dies; 
 but if she lives she lives" The cow happily reco- 
 vered, which the widow entirely attributed to the ef- 
 ficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time 
 after, the rector himself was seized with a quinsey, 
 and was in imminent danger, to the sincere grief of 
 his affectionate parishioners, and of none more than 
 the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, 
 and after considerable difficulty from his servants, 
 obtained admission -to his chamber, when thrice 
 walking round his bed, she repeated, " If he dies he 
 dies ; hut if he lives he lives ;" which threw the doc- 
 tor into such a fit of laughter, that the imposthume 
 broke, and produced an immediate cure. 
 
 76. — A very ugly gentleman was requested by a 
 beautiful woman, to accompany her a little way, 
 when she led him to a painter's house, and having 
 whispered to the artist, she retired, saying that she 
 would return shortly. On quitting the chamber, 
 the gentleman demanded to know what he was 
 wanted for. " I thought you knew," replied the 
 painter, tt that I am taking that lady's likeness in 
 the character of a saint being tempted by the devil, 
 and she means you to sit for the tempter." 
 
 77. — An inhabitant of Caermarthenshire, who, 
 like most of his countrymen, was very superstitious, 
 
172 WIT AiND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 went to the parson of the parish, and declared that 
 he saw the ghost of his friend, Taffy Evans, a con- 
 vivial ostler, who died a month before. " And how 
 did yon know," said the parson, "that it was the 
 ghost of Taffy, friend Owen ?" a Oh !" answered 
 Owen, " because hur was staggering drunk !" 
 
 78. — A certain reverend drone in the country, 
 preaching a very dull sermon to a congregation not 
 used to him, many of them slunk out of the church 
 one after another, before the sermon was nearly 
 ended. " Truly," said a gentleman present, " this 
 learned doctor has made a very moving dis- 
 course." 
 
 79. — A Scotch parson, in the time of the rump, 
 said in his prayer, " Lord bless the grand council — 
 the parliament, and grant that they may a' hang 
 together." A country fellow standing by, said, 
 " Yes, yes, with all my heart, and the sooner the 
 better ; and I am sure it is the prayer of all good 
 people." * But, friends," says the parson, " I don't 
 mean as that fellow means, but pray that they may 
 a' hang together in accord and concord." " No 
 matter what cord," replied the other, " if it be but 
 a strong cord." 
 
 80.— " I live in Julia's eyes," said an affected 
 dandy in Column's hearing. " 1 don't wonder at 
 it," replied George, " since I observed she had a sty 
 in them when I saw her last." 
 
 81. — On the first night of Congreve's " Way of 
 the World" the audience hissed it violently. When 
 the uproar was at its height, Congreve walked on 
 the stage and addressed the audience. " Is it your 
 intention to damn this play V The cry was, "Yes, 
 yes ! Off, off !" " Then I tell you, this play of 
 mine will be a living play when you are all dead 
 and damned ;" and he walked slowly off. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 1'^ 
 
 82. — * Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for 
 the gout ?" asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. 
 " Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it !" was the 
 pithy answer. 
 
 83. — A gentleman once introduced his son to 
 Rowland Hill, by letter, as a youth of great promise, 
 and as likely to do honour to the university of 
 which he was a member ; u but he is shy," added 
 the father, "and idle, and, I fear, buries his talents 
 in a napkin." A short time afterwards, the parent, 
 anxious for the reverend gentleman's opinion, in- 
 quired what was thought of his son. " I have 
 shaken the napkin," said Rowland Hill, " at all cor- 
 ners, and there is nothing in it." 
 
 84. — A gentleman asked his friend one day in 
 what part of London he thought the most sudden 
 deaths occurred, " Why," he replied, " the Old 
 Bailey." 
 
 85. — A person below the middle stature, observed 
 he could boast two negative qualifications, viz., that 
 he never wore a great coat, nor ever lay long in bed. 
 
 86. — Boswell dining one day with Dr. Johnson, 
 asked him if he did not think that a good cat was 
 more essential to the community than a good poet. 
 " I don't suppose," said the doctor, " that there's a 
 dog in the town but what thinks so." 
 
 87. — Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Scot- 
 land to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he 
 was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for 
 his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she 
 asked him if it was good. To which he replied, 
 " Very good for hogs /" " Then, pray," said the 
 lady, " let me help you to a little more." 
 
 88. — A certain lodging-house was very much in- 
 fested by vermin ; a gentleman who slept there one 
 night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she 
 
174 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 said, " La, sir, we haven't a single bug in the 
 house." " No, ma'am," said he, " they're all mar- 
 ried, and have large families, too." 
 
 89. — A jockey-lord met his old college tutor at a 
 great horse fair. u Ah ! doctor," exclaimed his 
 lordship, " what brings you here among these high- 
 bred cattle ? Do you think you can distinguish 
 a horse from an ass?" "My lord," replied the 
 tutor, " I soon perceived you among these horses." 
 
 90. — Mr. Moore having been long under a prose- 
 cution, in Doctor's Commons, his proctor called on 
 him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy 
 of the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he 
 read him four acts of the piece, being all he had 
 written, by which the man of law was so much 
 affected, that he exclaimed, " Good God ! can you 
 add to this couple's distress in the last act ?" " ! 
 very easily," said the poet, " I intend to put them 
 in the spiritual court." 
 
 91. — A gentleman being asked what article of 
 trade was most adulterated, replied, Religion ! ! ! 
 
 92.— At Worcester assizes, a cause was tried 
 about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergy- 
 man, not educated in the school of Tattarsall, ap- 
 peared as a witness. He was confused in giving his 
 evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who 
 examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, 
 " Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a 
 horse and a cow ?" " I acknowledge my ignorance," 
 replied the clergyman, " I hardly know the differ- 
 ence between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a 
 bull, only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a 
 bully, (bowing respectfully to the counsellor,) luckily 
 for me, has none." 
 
 93. — A female having been summoned before the 
 court of judicature, in Calcutta, deposed that a cir- 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. i7o 
 
 cumstance involved in the cause occurred in her 
 presence. The judge asked where it happened. 
 She replied, " In the verandah of such a house." 
 '* Pray, my good woman," said the judge, "how 
 many pillars are in that verandah ! M The woman, 
 not perceiving the trap that was laid for her, said, 
 without much consideration, that the verandah was 
 supported by four pillars. The counsel for the op- 
 posite party immediately offered to prove that the 
 verandah contained five pillars, and that, conse- 
 quently, no credit could be given to her evidence. 
 The woman, perceiving her error, addressed the 
 judge, and said, " My lord, your lordship has for 
 many years presided in this court, and every day 
 that you come here you ascend a flight of stairs, 
 may I beg to know how many steps these stairs 
 consist of V 9 The judge confessed he did not know. 
 u Then," replied she, " if your lordship cannot tell 
 the number of steps you daily ascend to the seat of 
 justice, it cannot be astonishing that I should forget 
 the number of pillars in a balcony winch I never 
 entered half-a-dozen times in my life." 
 
 94. — Dr. Glynn, being one day in attendance on 
 a lady in the quality of her physician, took the 
 liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of her 
 eating cucumber, of which she was immoderately 
 fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt 
 for dressing them : " Peel the cucumber," said the 
 doctor, " with great care, then cut it into very thin 
 slices, pepper and salt it well, and then throw it 
 away /" 
 
 95. — Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelms- 
 ford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his 
 medicines, told the country people that he came 
 there for the good of the public, not for want. Then 
 speaking to his merry Andrew, "Andrew," said he, 
 
176 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 ft do we come here for want ?" " No, faith, sir/' 
 said Andrew, u we have enough of that at home." 
 
 96. — A letter received some time since from 
 Ireland, mentions that a coast officer of Arklow, in 
 the county of Wicklow, after going his round, 
 entered in his diary, " That he had not seen any- 
 thing but one ship — out of sight" 
 
 97. — Milton, the British Homer, and prince of 
 modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was 
 blind, (a thing some men do with their eyes open,) 
 married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham, one 
 day in Milton's hearing, called her a rose. " I am 
 no judge of flowers," observed Milton, " but it may 
 be so, for I feel the thorns daily." 
 
 98. — Pytheas, daughter of Aristotle, being asked, 
 which was the most beautiful colour, answered, 
 « That of modesty:' 
 
 99. — Voltaire, when in London, being at a great 
 rout with Lord Chesterfield, a lady in company, 
 very much painted, eugrossed his conversation. 
 Chesterfield tapped him on the shoulder, saying, 
 " Take care you are not captivated." u My lord," 
 replied Voltaire, " I scorn to be taken by an English 
 bottom under French colours." 
 
 100. — The father of the celebrated Sheridan was 
 one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, 
 regretting that they were no longer styled O'Sher- 
 idan, as they were formerly. 6i Indeed, father," 
 replied Sheridan, then a boy, " we have more right 
 to the than any one else, for we owe every body." 
 101. — " I was charmed," said Lord Orford, "with 
 the answer of a poor man in Bedlam, who was in- 
 sulted by an apprentice, because he would not tell 
 him why he was confined. The unhappy creature 
 at last said, 6 Because God Almighty has deprived 
 wic of a blessing which you never had.' " 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 102. — An Irishman, who had often experienced 
 his wife's ill humour, opposed her with no other 
 weapon but silence : whereupon a friend told him, 
 "It is easily seen you are afraid of your wife." 
 " It is not she that I am afraid of," replied the hus- 
 band, " it is the nbise." 
 
 103. — A fellow having been adjudged on the con- 
 viction of perjury, to lose his ears ; when the exe- 
 cutioner came to put the sentence of the law in 
 force, he found that he had been already cropped. 
 The hangman seemed a little surprised. " What," 
 said the criminal, with all the sangfroid imaginable, 
 " am I obliged to furnish you with ears every time 
 you are pleased to crop me V 9 
 
 104. — A man with a very wide mouth was asked 
 whether he had got a lease of it \ " No, sir," he 
 good-humouredly said, " I hold it from year to year." 
 
178 WIT AND WISDOM ; Oil, 
 
 105* — A lady meeting a girl who had lately left 
 her service, inquired, " Well, Mary, where do you 
 live now V 9 " Please, ma'am, I don't live no where 
 now," rejoined the girl, " I'm married." 
 
 106. — Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of 
 wine, made up for the deficiency of port by the live- 
 liness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, 
 one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his 
 friend, said, "If this nut could speak, what would it 
 say ?" " Why," rejoined the other, "it would say, 
 give us none of your jaw." 
 
 107. — The late Cecil, of St. John's, Bedford, was, 
 as is well known, a shrewd observer of men and 
 manners. One day he met, in the course of his 
 walks, an Italian with a box of plaster medals. 
 They were superior to Bani's best. Cecil, who was 
 also a man of some taste in the fine arts, apprecia- 
 ted them at once, and told the artist that he might 
 soon make a fortune by his casts. The poor fellow 
 could not make bread by them. Cecil was amazed, 
 and asked if he had exhibited them properly? "Ah, 
 sair," said the Italian, " dere is no getting on here 
 vithout a monkey and a feedle." Cecil did not for- 
 get this. Being some time after at a Committee of 
 ways and means in behalf of a Humane Institution, 
 the funds of which were declining, one member said, 
 6i We must have a popular preacher to the chapel of 
 the institution, or we shall not get on." Another 
 said, " We must have a new organ, too, or we shall . 
 not get on." " True," said Cecil, " as the Italian 
 said, there is no getting on here without a monkey 
 and a fiddle." He then told his story, which, by 
 the way, cuts wider and deeper than he seems to 
 have discerned at the time. 
 
 108. — Frank Haymen was a dull dog. When 
 lie buried his wife, a friend asked him why he ex- 
 
THE world's jest-book. 179 
 
 pended so much money on her funeral ? " Ah, 
 sir," replied he, "she would have done so much, or 
 more, for me, with pleasure." 
 
 109. — A person who was famous for arriving 
 just at dinner-time, upon going to a friend's (where 
 he was a frequent visitor), was asked by a lady of 
 the house if he would do as they did ? On his re- 
 plying he should be happy to have the pleasure — 
 she replied, " Dine at home then." He, of course, 
 harl received his quietus for some time at least. 
 
 110. — Curran had a perfect horror of fleas ; nor 
 was this very extraordinary, since those vermin 
 seemed to show him peculiar hostility. If they 
 infested a house, he said that " they always flocked 
 to his bed-chamber when they heard he was to 
 sleep there !" At Carlow he was once dreadfully 
 annoyed in this way, and on making his complaint 
 in the morning to the woman of the house, "By 
 heavens! madam," cried he, "they were in such 
 numbers, and seized upon my carcass with so much 
 ferocity, that if tHey had been unanimous, and all 
 pulled one way, they must have dragged me out of 
 bed entirely." 
 
 111. — "Why do you not pay me that six and 
 eight pence, Mr. Mulrooney ?" said an attorney to 
 an Irishman, who replied, "Why faith, because 
 1 do not owe you that same." " Not owe it me ? 
 yes you do ; it's for the opinion you had of me." 
 "That's a good one, indeed," rejoined Pat, "when 
 I never had any opinion of you in all my life." 
 
 112.— -During a late crowded night at Covent 
 Garden theatre, a beautiful woman, on whom the 
 heat acted as a powerful sudorific, attracted a ge- 
 neral attention. A gentleman, after viewing her 
 for a few minutes, exclaimed, " A charming paint- 
 ing in 02V." 
 
180 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 113. — Awkward Executions. — Some of the daily 
 newspapers have got up a very strange story about 
 a man who was hanged at Bari, in Naples, reco- 
 vered under the hands of a surgeon — found himself 
 stark naked — demanded his clothes from the hang- 
 man, and on the very official refusal of that func- 
 tionary to deliver up his perquisites, drew a knife 
 and slew, or almost slew, Jack Ketch ; for which 
 he is to be hanged again. There is a degree of 
 verisimilitude about this story, which is quite re- 
 freshing. We can only approach it in our history. 
 When Major General Harrison was hanged for 
 being one of the judges of Charles I., the rope 
 broke, and the undaunted regicide, previous to 
 being tied up again, struck the hangman a sound 
 box on the ear for his negligence in tying him up. 
 A more wonderful and less tragical and notorious 
 similarity took place in Cork, where a tailor was 
 hanged, but revived under the hands of Glover, a 
 player, at that time performing in Cork. The first 
 use the incorrigible tailor made of his revivification 
 was to get dead drunk, in which state he went to 
 the theatre where Glover performed that evening, 
 and thanked him in the presence of the audience, 
 from the gallery, for his kind exertions. Bras- 
 bridge, the ex-silversmith, and Horace Walpole, of 
 Fleet-Street, also deposes to this fact, which he had 
 from the lips of Glover, a competitor of his in days 
 lang syne. 
 
 114. — An Irishman, on seeing an acquaintance 
 reading, exclaimed, " Arrah, honey ! an' whose 
 the arther o' that work !" " Fait, my jewel, an' 
 how can I tell that same." " Why, my dear, look 
 to the ind on't, an' ye'll see that." " 'Tis Finis" 
 rejoined the other. " A clever fellow, that said 
 Finis ; why, he's the arther of every book." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 181 
 
 115.—' The Rev. Rowland Hill, when at college, 
 had a conversation with some of his companions on 
 the power of the letter H, when it was contended 
 that it was no letter, but a mere aspiration of 
 breathing. Rowland took the opposite side of the 
 question, and insisted on its being, to all intents and 
 purposes, a letter, and concluded by observing, if it 
 was not, it was a serious thing for him, as it would 
 occasion his being ill all the days of his life. 
 
 116. — A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to 
 pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he 
 looked at himself, he flung it away in a rage, crying, 
 "Curse you, if you were good for anything you 
 would not have been thrown away by your owner." 
 
 117. — "'Tis an ill wind that blows nobody good,'' 
 said a Caledonian laddie, a few days since, when he 
 picked up the hat of a gentleman which had been 
 blown off, and with which he escaped. 
 
 118. — A young lady having given a gentleman, 
 who was not very remarkable for his taste in dress, 
 a playful slap in the face, he called out, " You have 
 made my eye smart" " Indeed I" said she ; " well, 
 I am happy to have been the cause of making some- 
 thing smart about you." 
 
 119. — The figure in rhetoric known under the 
 name of a bull, is by no means confined to the inha- 
 bitants of Ireland ; for instance, a puff on Bays- 
 water Lying-in-Hospital, published in the Morning 
 Herald, concludes thus : " Since its first establish- 
 ment, upwards of 52,000 women have been deli- 
 vered at this hospital, which at present extends its 
 succour to the widows of sailors and soldiers who 
 are so gallantly fighting for their country.'' 
 
 N.B. The late Dr. Kennedy was the chief ac- 
 coucheur at the time, and probably the author of 
 the encomium. 
 
182 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 120. — It is a sovereign pleasure to put a deter- 
 mined jester to silence ; the chevalier H was 
 
 of this character. He introduced the Marquis of 
 
 B to a lady of quality, saying, in presenting 
 
 him to her, " Madam, this is the Marquis of B — , 
 who is not such a fool as he seems." The marquis 
 answered, " Yes, madam, and this is the only trait 
 in which I differ from the chevalier." 
 
 121. — An author, who was miserably out at heels, 
 applied to a bookseller in St. Paul's Church-yard 
 for employment, who told him, that upon producing 
 a specimen of his abilities, he would do something 
 towards supporting him, as he was in a pitiful situa- 
 tion. " Ay," says the author, " but I would not be 
 supported in this pickle, I want to be taken out of 
 it : and if you will give me a subject to write on, I 
 will convince you that I am worthy your esteem." 
 " Well, what subject shall I give you V* says the 
 bookseller. "Any subject," says the author, "but 
 that of money or my wife, for I am not master of 
 either" 
 
 122. — Two Gentlemen, a few days since, took a 
 boat at Blackfriars'-bridge, to go to the Tower. 
 One of them asked the other, who sat beside him, 
 if he could tell him what countryman the water- 
 man was ? He replied, be could not. " Then," 
 said his friend, " I can ; he is a Ro-manP A cock- 
 ney being told the above, said, " the pun was wher- 
 ry good." 
 
 123. — Lines in the Window of a Shoe-maker's 
 Shop, nearly opposite Apothecaries 9 Hall. — Surgery 
 performed upon old boots and shoes, by adding of 
 feet, making good the legs, binding the broken, 
 healing the wounded, mending the constitution, and 
 supporting the body with a new sole. Advice 
 gratis. — By S. Gyles. 
 
THE WORLD'S JE3T-EOOK. 1SS 
 
 124. A farmer recently received a polite note 
 from a neighbour, (whose children were going on 
 a visit a short distance.) requesting the loan of an 
 ass for a few days. Being unable to decipher his 
 friend's hieroglyphics, and wishing to conceal his 
 ignorance from the servant, the farmer hastily re- 
 turned for answer, " Very well ; tell your master 
 I'll wait upon him myself presently." 
 
 125. — An uninformed Irishman hearing the 
 sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a 
 friend, " Sphinx ! who's he now V 9 " A monster- 
 man." "Oh a Muiister-man! I thought he was 
 from Connaught," replied the Irishman, determined 
 not to seem totally unacquainted with the family. 
 
 126. — A man of learning was complaining to 
 Voltaire, that few foreigners relished the beauties 
 of Shakspeare. " Sir," replied the wit, " bad trans- 
 lations torment and vex them, and prevent them 
 understanding your great dramatist. A blind man, 
 sir, cannot perceive the beauty of a rose, who only 
 pricks his Augers with the thorns." 
 
 127. A Pointed Joke. A sportsman, by 
 
 touching his horse near the withers with his whip, 
 taught him to kneel immediately. When shooting, 
 and a dog came to the point, he made the horse 
 kneel, and persuaded those present that the horse 
 was an excellent pointer. A gentleman having 
 purchased the gelding, was fording a river with 
 him, when, having touched his withers, he was true 
 to the touch — down he dropped in the stream, and 
 soused his new master in the water. The latter, in 
 a great passion, asked his former owner what he 
 meant by selling him a horse that played him such 
 a trick in the water ? " Oh !" said the other, " you 
 bought him as a pointer, and at the time he went 
 on his knees.Jie was pointing a salmon." 
 
181 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 128. — Dr. Cheyne. — While some one was talking, 
 before this intelligent Scotchman, of the excellence 
 of human nature, — " Hoot ! hoot ! mon," said he, 
 " human nature is a rogue and a scoundrel ; or why- 
 would it perpetually stand in need of laws and re- 
 ligion." 
 
 129. — Two gentlemen having wagered upon the 
 number of characteristic specimens of native bril- 
 liancy they should encounter in a rural excursion, 
 one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the 
 road : " My good fellow, were the devil to come 
 now, which of us two would he carry away % n Af- 
 ter a little hesitation, that savoured of unexpected 
 dulness, the man modestly lifting his eyes from his 
 work, answered, " Me, sir." Annoyed by the sto- 
 lidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a 
 reason. " Because, yer honour, he would be glad 
 of the opportunity to catch myself — he could have 
 you at any time." 
 
 130. — An Anecdote of Kean. — When I was at 
 the University, chance introduced me to the notice 
 of the deceased, and, though a mere boy, I became 
 a member of the clique with which he was identified 
 during his stay. A dinner had been ordered, and 
 guests invited, for four precisely. The landlord of 
 the tavern had promised the use of the same room 
 at the same hour to the members of a cricket club. 
 What was to be done ? We knew that we had the 
 right on our side, and the other party were as firm- 
 ly convinced that the room was theirs. " Where 
 there's a will there's a way," says the adage, and 
 we proved its truth by joining issue and dining to- 
 gether. Mutual apologies and mutual civilities 
 were exchanged, and we sat down without any re- 
 gard to previous intimacy. Poor Kean, unfor- 
 tunately, was placed next to a would be wit, who 
 
the world's jest-book. 185 
 
 essayed to be wonderfully facetious at his expense. 
 He bore it with surprising patience for a consi- 
 derable time, but at last he whispered in my ear, 
 "Flesh and blood can't stand this," and, turning 
 round on his chair, he said to his tormenter, " Sir, 
 you speak to me as an actor ; but I wish to God, for 
 your sake, that I were a cook for an hour." " Why 
 so, Mr. Kean V 9 " Because nothing on earth would 
 afford me greater pleasure than to run you through 
 with the spit of my satire, and hold you up to roast 
 at the fire of my ridicule." The gentleman was 
 perfectly quiet during the remainder of the even- 
 
 131. — An amateur practitioner wishing upon one 
 occasion, in the court of King's Bench, to convince 
 Lord Ellenborough of his importance, said, "My 
 lord, I sometimes employ myself as a doctor." 
 " Very likely, sir," said his lordship, drily ; " but 
 is any body else fool enough to employ you in that 
 capacity ?" 
 
 132. — A sailor having been, for his good beha- 
 viour, promoted from a foremost man to a boat- 
 swain, was ordered on shore by his captain to 
 receive his commission at the Admiralty Office. 
 Jack went accordingly, and thus described his re- 
 ception afterwards to his companions ; " I bore 
 away large," said he, "for the Admiralty Office ; 
 and on entering the harbour, I espied a dozen or 
 two quill-drivers ; I hailed 'em — not a word said 
 they. Hollo ! again said I — not a word said they. 
 Shiver my Topsails, but what can this mean % said 
 I. Then I took a guinea from my pocket, and hold- 
 ing it up to my peeper, hollo ! again said I. Oh, 
 hollo ! returned they. So, so, my boys, cried I, you 
 are like Balaam? s ass, are you % You could not 
 speak until you saw the angel !" 
 
186 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 133. — A remarkable circumstance happened to 
 Father Chrysostom, and he has been kind enough 
 to relate it himself. One day, when he was preach- 
 ing at Belleville, the crowd was so great that the 
 church could not contain all the auditors. A very 
 devout peasant, who was in the v churchyard with 
 his ass, thought he could understand the sermon 
 better if he could see the gesticulations of the 
 preacher. For this purpose he mounted Martin, 
 and both of them alternately stretched out their 
 ears. The father had not yet finished his second 
 point, when the worthy peasant smote his breast 
 and began to weep, Martin at the same time bray- 
 ing in concert. "Make that ass hold his tongue," 
 exclaimed a lusty man, in a voice stronger than 
 that of the Stentor of Arcadia. The preacher, who 
 imagined that he was spoken of, exclaimed in his 
 turn, " Turn out that insolent fellow V 9 " You see, 
 Abbe," says Favart, in commenting on this anec- 
 dote, " that there are people in the world who do 
 themselves justice." 
 
 134. — At the late Limerick assizes, P. Magrath 
 was tried for stealing a great coat. After this fact 
 had been proved, the judge called on him for bis 
 defence, when the prisoner addressed the court : — 
 " My lord, he saw what a bad way I was in for 
 clothes, being almost naked, and he said, 6 1 would 
 advise you, Pat, the first coat or blanket you get to 
 throw it over your shoulders.' I dnl so, my lord, 
 and now he is prosecuting me for following his own 
 bad advice ; and this is my defence, plase your re- 
 verence's lordship." The court was convulsed 
 with laughter. 
 
 135. — A young man of the name of Neck was re- 
 cently married to a Miss Heels; they are now, 
 therefore, tied Neck and Heels together. 
 
the world's jest-book. 187 
 
 136.— A married lady, alluding in conversation 
 to the 148th Psalm, observed, that while " young 
 men and maidens, old men and children," were ex- 
 pressly mentioned, not a word was said about mar- 
 ried women. An old clergyman, whom she was 
 addressing, assured her that they had not been 
 omitted, and that she would find them included in 
 one of the preceding verses, under the description 
 of vapours and storm. 
 
 137. — One of the band of Co vent-gar den, who 
 played the French horn, was telling some anecdote 
 of Garrick's generosity. Macklin, who heard him 
 at the lower end of the table, and who always fired 
 at the praises of Garrick, called out, " Sir, I believe 
 you are a trumpeter."" "Well, sir," said the poor 
 man, quite confounded, " and if I am, what then ?" 
 " Nothing more, sir, than being a trumpeter, you 
 are a dealer in puffs by profession." 
 
 138. — The late Rev. Thomas Toller, an eminent 
 dissenting minister, (joint preacher with the cele- 
 brated Dr. James Fordyce, at Monkwell-street,) 
 resided many years in the Lower-street, Islington. 
 One day, when he got into the stage to come to 
 London, he met with two ladies of his acquaintance, 
 and a loquacious young Irishman, wdio was very 
 obtrusive with his " would-be wit" to the females. 
 The coachman soon stopped to take up another pas- 
 senger, who, Dutchman like, was "slow to make 
 haste" A young dog, being confined in the neigh- 
 bourhood, bewailed its loss of liberty, by making an 
 hideous noise ; which all the party agreed was very 
 disagreeable. The Hibernian, desirous to display 
 his wit, and to quiz the parson, said, " The animal was 
 so unpleasantly noisy it must be a presbyterian dog. 19 
 Mr. Toller calmly, but with much apparent confi- 
 dence, said, " 1 am sure it is an Irish dog." " How 
 
188 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 do you know that?" exclaimed the astonished 
 young man with eagerness. " I know it, sir," (re- 
 plied the divine) " by its impudence and its howL" 
 This seasonable retort cured the garrulity of the 
 patient, and gave him a locked-jaw till the stage 
 arrived at the Royal Exchange. 
 
 139. — A few Sundays ago, at a village church 
 not one hundred miles north-east of Newark, the 
 parish-clerk had a notice to read, in which was the 
 abbreviated word for namely — viz. When Mr. 
 Amen came to the word he made a stop, and, in 
 astonishment, cried out, " Wiz ! wiz ! lse doant 
 know what wiz means, unless it be some consarns of 
 the parish." 
 
 140. — Augustus gave an admirable example how 
 a person who sends a challenge should be treated. 
 When Marc Antony, after the battle of Actium, 
 defied him to a single combat, his answer to 
 the messenger who brought it was, " Tell Marc 
 Antony, if he be weary of his life, there are 
 other ways to end it ; I shall not take the trouble 
 of becoming his executioner." 
 
 141. — An advertisement in an Irish paper, by a 
 gentleman who wishes to sell an estate, runs 
 thus : — " The purchaser may have the whole by 
 appraisement ; but if he objects to these terms he 
 may have it at half price" 
 
 142. — "There is a rich rector in Worcester- 
 shire," said one of the colonel's guests, "whose 
 name I cannot now recollect, but who has not 
 preached for the last twelve months, as he every 
 Sunday requests one of the neighbouring clergy to 
 officiate for him." "Oh!" replied Colonel Land- 
 leg, " though you cannot recollect his name, T can ; 
 it is England — England expects every man to do his 
 duty." 
 
the world's jest-book. 189 
 
 143. — A report of the plague in 1760 having 
 been circulated, Messrs. Chandler and Smith, apo- 
 thecaries, in Cheapside, had taken in a third part- 
 ner, (Mr. Newsom,) and while the report prevailed, 
 these gentlemen availed themselves of the popular 
 opinion, and put a written notice in their windows 
 of "Four Thieves 9 Vinegar sold here" Mr. Ball, 
 an old apothecary, passing by, and observing 
 this, went into the shop. " What," said he, 
 "have you taken in another partner?" "No." 
 " Oh ! I beg your pardon," replied Ball, " I thought 
 you had by the ticket in your window." 
 
 144. — At a meeting of a certain set of commis- 
 sioners lately at Brighton, one of them objecting 
 to a proposed exception to their regulations re- 
 specting chimneys, said, " I thought our laws were 
 like the Persian maids — never to be broken V 9 
 " Medes and Persians, you mean," observed a bib- 
 lical critic. "Well," rejoined the first, "maids 
 of the Persians, if you like ; where's the differ- 
 ence !" 
 
 145. — Colman told an apothecary lately, who 
 brought him in a tolerably heavy charge for medi- 
 cine and visits, that he could return his visits, and 
 dispense with his medicine. 
 
 146. — When the ambassador of Henry IV. of 
 France was in England, Queen Elizabeth asked 
 him one birth-night, which was attended by a splen- 
 did assembly of the court, how he liked her ladies ? 
 Knowing her majesty was not averse to flattery, he 
 made the following elegant reply : " It is hard, ma- 
 dam, to judge of stars in the presence of the sun." 
 
 147. — An Irish paper, on noticing a coroner's in- 
 quest on a young woman who had drowned herself, 
 says, the jury, after an hour's deliberation, brought 
 in a verdict of wilful murder against her. 
 
190 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 148. — There are two cardinal points in a man's 
 life which determine his happiness or his misery ; 
 these are, his birth and his marriage. Is is in vain 
 for a man to be born fortunate if he be unfortunate 
 in his marriage. 
 
 149. — In a newspaper, dated January 31, 1746, 
 we find the following theatrical announcement : 
 " We are certainly informed that on Monday next, 
 at the Theatre Royal Drury-laue, will be performed, 
 The Lying Valet, and that Mr. Stevens, at the par- 
 ticular desire of some persons of quality, is to act 
 the part of Justice Guttle; in which character he 
 will devour twelve pounds of plum cake at three 
 mouthfuls." 
 
 150. — A short time since the manager of Sad- 
 lers- wells, wishing to make an alteration in his 
 bills, sent an old one, with the corrections made in 
 the margin, to the printer. In a few days a proof 
 was forwarded to Mr. T. Dibdin, when it read thus : 
 " Under the patronage of his Royal Highness the 
 Duke of Clarence, Lord High Patron of England 
 and Admiral of this Theatre" 
 
 151. — The late Mr. Sheridan, to the honour of 
 whose talents no one will deny the claims of his 
 country, had never been the slave of punctuality 
 in his parliamentary attendances. Upon his mar- 
 riage with his last lady, the honey-moon so com- 
 pletely absorbed his attention, that St Stephen's 
 Chapel had not the honour ol his presence for above 
 a month, during which some important debates had 
 occurred. On the night of his next appearance, in 
 the course of a very eloquent speech, he advanced 
 some charges against the minister, which had been 
 previously recited in a debate during his absence. 
 Mr. Pitt, who was not over eminent for "his devo- 
 tions to the fair sex, in replying to Mr. Sheridan's 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 191 
 
 argument, observedj "that if the honourable gen- 
 tleman had been somewhat more punctual in his 
 parliamentary duties within the last month, he 
 might have had an opportunity of hearing some 
 statements, that might have saved him the trouble 
 of the allusions he had just made." Mr. Sheridan 
 rose to explain. " He took shame to himself that 
 his absence on any occasion should warrant the 
 chastening reproof of the right honourable gentle- 
 man. It was, he believed, well known to the house, 
 that his absence for the last month was occasioned 
 by certain other indispensable duties in another 
 quarter, which, he was sure, would plead his apo- 
 logy with every member present except the right 
 honourable gentleman, whose total inexperience 
 upon that subject would render anything he could 
 say in explanation perfectly unintelligible." This 
 cut at the cold character of the chaste premier ex- 
 cited a general burst of laughter. 
 
 152. — A woman of gallantry said to a drunkard, 
 " Would you believe, sir, that during the ten years 
 I have been a widow, I have not had the least 
 itching after marriage ?" " Would you believe 
 madam, that since I can remember, I never suffered 
 thirst." 
 
 153. — A gentleman of Touraine was one day 
 expressing himself very warmly against his neigh- 
 bours, on account of some false reports that had 
 been raised respecting his honour. "The devil 
 take all such cuckolds," said he, "I wish they 
 were all in the river." His wife answered, " But 
 why do you wish so, my dear husband, you cannot 
 swim ?" 
 
 154. — An old culprit was lately carried before a 
 learned justice of the peace in the country. The 
 constable, previously to commencing business, in- 
 
192 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 formed his lordship, that he had in his custody 
 John Simmons, alias Jones, alias Smith. " Very 
 well," said the magistrate, "I will try the tivo 
 women first — so bring in Alice Jones." 
 
 155. — An Irish gentleman, whose lady had ab- 
 sconded from him, cautioned the public against trust- 
 ing her in these words : " My wife has eloped from 
 me without rhyme or reason, and I desire no one 
 will trust her on my account, for I am not married 
 to her." 
 
 156. — The amorous Blaise courted a very pretty 
 country girl ; he succeeded, and the nuptials were 
 shortly to be celebrated. However, his impatient 
 love was with difficulty contented, but the prudent 
 girl had resolution to repulse his desires. At length 
 the happy day arrived : Blaise, at the summit ot 
 his wishes, praised the prudence and virtue of the 
 fair one, for not having indulged him before : " For, 
 between us two," said he, " had you permitted my 
 attempts, I should not have married you." " Ah," 
 said the innocent fair one, " I was fully on my 
 guard on that subject, having been so often served 
 that trick." 
 
 157. — Dr. Johnson was very bulky in size, and, 
 often very abrupt in his manners. Mr. Boswell was 
 a great admirer of the doctor, and once was prais- 
 ing his great erudition, and urging that he was a 
 constellation among the literati. u I admit the 
 learning and the constellation too," replied a wit, 
 " but, if a constellation, he must be the great bear" 
 
 158.— It was once observed to Lord Chesterfield, 
 in the course of conversation, that man is the only 
 creature that is endowed with the power of laugh- 
 ter. " True," said the earl, " and you may add, 
 perhaps, he is the only creature that deserves to be 
 laughed at." . 
 
the world's jest-book. 193 
 
 159. — The Witty Countryman. — A countryman, 
 very much marked with the small pox, applied to a 
 justice of the peace for redress in an affair where 
 one of his neighbours had ill-treated him ; but not 
 explaining the business so clearly as the justice ex- 
 pected, " Fellow !" said the justice in a rage, " 1 
 don't know whether you were inoculated for the 
 small pox or not, out Pm sure you have been for 
 stupidity." " Why, and please your honour," re- 
 plied the man, " perhaps I might, as you say, be 
 inoculated for stupidity, but there was no occasion 
 to perform that upon your worship, for you seem to 
 have had it in the natural way." 
 
 160. — An attorney in Dean Swift s company gave 
 himself great liberties of conversation with him. 
 At length this impudent limb of the law asked the 
 dean, " Supposing, doctor, that the parsons and the 
 
194 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR; 
 
 devil should litigate a cause, which party do you 
 think would gain it V " The devil no doubt/' re- 
 plied the dean, as he would have all the lawyers on 
 his side." 
 
 161. — A Wonderful Sight — A jolly jack tar, 
 having strayed into Atkin's show at. Bartlemy fair, 
 to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck 
 with the sight of a lion and tiger in the same den. 
 "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate, who was 
 chewing a quid in silent amazement, " I shouldn't 
 wonder if next year they were to carry about a 
 sailor and a marine living peaceably together!" 
 " Ay," said his married companion, " or man and 
 wife." 
 
 162. — The nephew of a sober "elderly," pos- 
 sessed of immense riches, but no nearer relation, 
 was frequently dragged off to Bow-street for 
 knocking down Charleys whilst in a state of in- 
 ebriety. At this the uncle was so much incensed, 
 that he withdrew from him a comfortable yearly 
 allowance he had begun to give him, and told him 
 he should never have another farthing of his mo- 
 ney until he relinquished the odious vice of drink- 
 ing to excess, which was, he said, the mainspring 
 from which all his other bad conduct flowed. For 
 some time the nephew paid no regard to his 
 threats ; but at length " necessity, the mother of in- 
 vention," forced him to ask for a little more cash. 
 " Have you left off," said the old gentleman, looking 
 serious, " the bad habit you had contracted of get- 
 ting drunk ?" " My very noble and approved good 
 uncle," replied the profligate, "I left it off more 
 than six months ago." " Here, then," said the en- 
 raptured elderly, "is a check for five hundred 
 pounds." The other received it with much internal 
 a&d external satisfaction ; and, as he coolly deposited 
 
the world's jest-book. 195 
 
 it in his pocket-book, observed, " but I forgot to 
 tell you that I resumed it within five minutes after 
 I left it off." 
 
 163. — A Justified Sinner. — A friend lately in 
 quired of that veteran or inveterate punster, Sam. 
 Rogers what he thought of the new book called 
 " Confessions of a Justified Sinner ?" " Why," 
 said Sam, " I think he might be justified for every 
 sin he ever committed except that of publishing his 
 confessions for half-a-guinea." 
 
 164. — A bumpkin in London was conducted by 
 a friend to a public-house, where he called for a 
 pot of porter ; this went down so unpleasantly that 
 the cockney ordered a pot of half-and-half, which 
 was considered by the countryman as the best li- 
 quor in the universe. Next day out bumpkin went 
 alone to the same ale-house, and desired the wai- 
 ter to call the landlord. Boniface having arrived, 
 the yokel said, " I like your half and half vastly 
 well, measter publican, but it does not exactly suit 
 my pocket ; so let's have a pint of all half." 
 
 165. — A session or two ago, a prisoner urged in 
 his defence, that he had never been at the Old 
 Bailey before. " 'Tis of no use denying it," said 
 Mr. Sergeant Arabin, who sat as judge, " I recollect 
 you perfectly well." " I meant," said the culprit, 
 "that I had never been transported before." 
 " Then," said the worthy sergeant, with a benignant 
 smile, " you shall be now" 
 
 166. — A Prior Engagement — Mr. Goodall, a 
 learned assistant at Eton, the morning he married 
 Miss Prior (to the great astonishment of the 
 scholars), attended his duty as master, a luckless 
 boy who had played truant, pleaded as an excuse 
 for his absence, that he really thought Mr. G. had 
 a prior engagement. 
 
196 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 167. — Helm-a-Lee. — A sailor taking a walk in 
 the fields, peceiving a mad bull rapidly advancing 
 towards him, evidently with no good intentions 
 as to his person. a Helm-a-lee, messmate," he 
 cried out at the very top of his voice, "helm-a-lee." 
 The mad bull, however, probably not compre- 
 hending his injunction, did not pay it implicit obe- 
 dience, but speedily levelled his worthy adviser 
 with the grass. " There, you stupid," said the tar, 
 as he raised himself more in sorrow than in anger 
 on his elbow, "Didn't I tell you, you'd run foul 
 o'me." 
 
 163. — A little boy being asked what occupation 
 his father pursued for a living ? he answered with 
 great simplicity, " he is a dreadful accident maker, 
 sir, for the newspapers." 
 
 169. — A Fine Ear. — A gentleman anxious to 
 secure to his son a thorough knowledge of the 
 science of music, applied to a professor for that 
 purpose. Being informed by the teacher that all 
 the instruction the young man might receive would 
 be of little benefit to him unless he possessed a fine 
 ear for music, the father replied — " That although, 
 as the parent of the youth, he ought not, perhaps, 
 to boast, yet he had never seen a person possessing 
 a finer one — 'It is almost, I assure you,' said he, 'as 
 clear as chrystal.' " 
 
 170. — A city epicure, who shall be nameless, 
 was discussing with the eminent Mr. Rogers the 
 merits of turtle dressing. " Sir," said the alder- 
 man, " there is one in which, if you try turtle, you 
 may always ascertain whether it be well cooked or 
 not ; eat three plates of it, and if you don't feel full 
 or sick, depend upon it that turtle is well cooked ; 
 this is my test, and I never find it fail." " I thank 
 you, sir," said Rogers, " for the information, but I 
 
the world's jest-book. 197 
 
 don't think I shall be often inclined to adopt the 
 test you do." 
 
 171. — Predestination. A criminal pleaded 
 
 upon his trial, as an extenuation of his offence, 
 that he was predestined to commit it. "I am 
 heartily sorry for that, friend," said the judge, 
 " for, by the same rule, I am predestined to order 
 you to be hanged." 
 
 172. — No attornies are authorised by law in 
 China ; those self-constituted, are thus defined and 
 described by a Chinese classical writer : " Villanous 
 and perverse vagabonds who are fond of making a 
 stir, and who, either by fraudulent and crafty 
 schemes, excite disorder, or by disorderly and ille- 
 gal proceedings, intimidate and impose upon peo- 
 ple !" 
 
 173. — A person, while brushing his hat, (which 
 seemed much the worse for wear) observed to his 
 friend near him, "that he had done it more injury 
 by sleeping in it the night before than all the time 
 of wearing it since he bought it." " Sleeping in it 
 the night before!" replied his friend, "if I may 
 judge from appearances, I should think it a long 
 time since it had a nap." 
 
 174. — Macklin having written a comedy, showed 
 it to Q,uin, and asked his opinion of it. Quin ga\e 
 him some hopes of its success, but desired him to 
 wait a little before he brought it out. Next season 
 he was called upon again for his interest with Mr. 
 Rich, to have it performed ; Quin had the address 
 to satisfy Macklin a second time, recommending him 
 to wait a little longer. Shylock retired growling, 
 but complied. Next year he again applied, confi- 
 dent of success, but was astonished at receiving the 
 same answer as before. Unable to contain himself, 
 he pettishly asked how much longer he should ha\e 
 
198 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR. 
 
 to wait "Till the day of judgment," replied Quin, 
 " when you and your play may be d -d together." 
 
 175. — Dr. Maine, an eccentric character, who 
 Was ejected by Cromwell from ecclesiastical livings 
 which he held from Charles I., preserved, in making 
 his will, the whimsicalities of his life. He had an 
 old servant, to whom he bequeathed an ancient 
 family trunk, telling him that he would find some- 
 thing there " which would make him drink after his 
 death." The servant, full of expectation that his 
 master, under this familiar expression, had left him 
 a fair competency, as soon as decency allowed, flew 
 to the trunk, when, to his great mortification, he 
 found that the boasted legacy was nothing more 
 than a red herring. 
 
 176. — "Roger, where was I?" — At Kenwyn, dur- 
 ing divine service, two dogs, one of which was the 
 parson's, were fighting at the west-end of the 
 church. The parson, who was then reading the se- 
 cond lesson, rushed out of his pew, and went down 
 and parted them, returned to his pew, and, doubtful 
 where he had left off, asked the clerk, (i Roger, 
 where was I ?" tC Why, down parting the dogs, 
 maister, to be sure," replied Roger, to the no 
 small amusement of the congregation. 
 
 177. — "A most extraordinary circumstance, in- 
 deed," said a certain alderman to his friend ; " my 
 wife and I have three daughters, and all of them 
 girls !" 
 
 178. — A smart banker's clerk, who, seated in the 
 pit, wished to make himself more agreeable to a 
 girl, accompanied by her father, than the latter 
 thought necessary, met with the following reproof 
 from the old gentleman : " Young man, we came to 
 enjoy the play : if you don't know how to behave 
 yourself, go up yonder !" (Pointing to the boxes.) 
 
the world's jest-book. 199 
 
 179. — Whip Eloquence. — A lady not remarkable 
 for delicacy of character, had rudely discharged her 
 coachman, who, before he left her, requested an in- 
 terview with her ; she received him haughtily, 
 supposing he was coming to beg to be reinstated in 
 his place, when he accosted her thus : u I should 
 take it, madam, as a particular favour, that you will 
 never mention I lived with you ; for, if you did, I 
 should never gain another situation." 
 
 180. — Wonder upon Wonder. — A certain country 
 justice, remarkable for incredible stories, was 
 telliog a Londoner, w T ho happened to dine at the 
 market-town with him, of a turnip which grew in 
 one of his fields, " that five sheep had eaten their 
 way into, and lived in it during the winter." The 
 citizen, in his turn, said, " he could tell him of as 
 wonderful a thing as that, for not long before he 
 left town, business called him to Whitechapel, where 
 he passed a brazier's who was making a copper, 
 which was so very large, that though four-and- 
 twenty men were at work upon it, they could not 
 hear each other hammer the rivets." " What the 
 devil can that be for V said his worship. " Why, 
 to boil your turnip in, sir," says the other. 
 
 181. — A New Union. — At a dinner lately, a gen- 
 tleman, who was carving a fine sirloin, asked 
 
 if he should help him. Something turned his atten- 
 tion, and he asked him again. A wag, noticing the 
 first failure, begged to drink wine with him, which 
 caused another interruption ; after which he re- 
 turned to his duty, and again said, " Pray, Mr. 
 
 shall I send you a slice of this ?" " D — n it, sir, 
 replied the disappointed gastronomer, " do you ex 
 pect me to marry the beef, that you have asked n:§ 
 thrice?" 
 
 182. — A player performing tho Gkost, in Hamlet- 
 
200 WIT AND WISDOM OR, 
 
 very badly, was hissed : after bearing it a good 
 while, he put the audience in good humour, by step- 
 ping forward and saying, " Ladies and gentlemen, 
 I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours 
 to please you are unsuccessful ; but if you are not 
 satisfied, I must give up the ghost." 
 
 183. — A lady having asked M. de Marchangy, 
 the French Attorney- General, in the reign of Napo- 
 leon, why persons of her sex might not be electors \ 
 he replied, " Madam, you might be electors, but you 
 could not be deputies." " Why not I" said the lady. 
 "Because no woman would like to acknowledge 
 that she was forty years of age." 
 
 184. — A gentleman, dining a short time ago at 
 the house of a worthy alderman, where a giblet-pie 
 was brought on to the table, asked a friend next to 
 him, why the pie was like the alderman's wig ? 
 « Why," says he, " because it has got a goose's 
 head in it." 
 
 185. — The wife of a sexton in a country village 
 was haranguing her neighbours on the hardness of 
 the times, when a countryman came up and offered 
 some ducks for sale. "Ducks," said the wife, 
 " how do you suppose I can purchase ducks, when 
 my husband has not hurled a living soul these last 
 three months ?" 
 
 186. — A country paper describing the effects of a 
 late thunderstorm, says, " several cattle were killed, 
 but fortunately no lives lost." 
 
 187. — A Yorkshireman taking the advice of his 
 counsel on a lawsuit in which his fortune depended, 
 his advocate told him he would be cast, and showed 
 him a case in print against him in " East's Reports." 
 " Never mind," said the suitor, u the judges may 
 not remember it ;" and while he was discussing the 
 matter, the counsel was called out on some business, 
 
the world's jest-book. 201 
 
 when, seizing the opportunity, the countryman cut 
 the disagreeable pages clean out of the book, and 
 stuffed them into his fob. His cause came on, and 
 he got the verdict : on which the lawyer congratu- 
 lated him. " 0, sir," he replied, " I could not lose, 
 for I had taken special care to keep the law against 
 me in my pocket." 
 
 188. — Love of Liberty. — A sovereign, in a pro- 
 gress through his kingdom, was informed, in one oi 
 his capital towns, of a singular fact, that one of the 
 inhabitants, a man seventy years old, had never 
 been without the walls. The man was called to the 
 king, and being poor, obtained a pension upon the 
 following provision : That he should forfeit his 
 pension if ever he set foot out of the town. But 
 here even custom could not prevail over love of 
 liberty. The man did not continue long at ease ; 
 his confinement became insupportable, and he lost 
 his pension in six months. 
 
 180.- — A widow of the name of Rugg having 
 taken Sir Charles Price for her second husband, 
 and being asked by a friend how she liked the 
 change ? replied,, " 0, 1 have sold my old Rug for a 
 good Price" 
 
 190. — A physician, walking with one of his friends 
 up Regent-street, said to the latter, " Let us avoid 
 passing that pretty little woman that you see to the 
 right. She has recognized me, and darts indignant 
 looks this way. I have attended her husband, 
 and — " "Oh! I understand, you have had the 
 misfortune to despatch him." " No, my friend, to 
 save his life." 
 
 191. — " Love is the revenue of beauty," said the 
 beautiful and witty Countess R. de S ■. " Ma- 
 dame," replied some one, " you must be rich indeed 
 if all your debtors pay you." 
 
202 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 192. — A certain sergeant, who was apt to get a 
 little testy in argument, was one day reminded by 
 Mr. Erskine, that he should not show anger, but 
 show cause. 
 
 193. — The first visit Mademoiselle Clairon paid 
 Voltaire, she threw herself at his feet, " exclaiming, 
 in the words of Amenaide, "0, my protecting 
 God !" Voltaire, somewhat astonished, fell on his 
 knees before her, and said gravely, " Now that we 
 are both on a level, how are you \" 
 
 194 A member of Parliament applied to the 
 
 post-office to know why some of his franks had been 
 charged? The answer was, "We supposed, sir, 
 they were not of your writing. The hand is not 
 the same." " Why, not precisely the same ; but the 
 truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy when I 
 wrote them." u Then, sir, will you be so good in 
 future to write drunh when you make/ree." 
 
 195. — England is the paradise for women, a pro- 
 verb : England is also said to be a heaven for 
 women and a hell for horses. Hence the saying, 
 that if a bridge was made over the narrow seas, all 
 the women in Europe would come over hither ; yet 
 it is worth notice, that no language has so many in- 
 vectives against the sex as the English. 
 
 196. — Dead March. — On the evening before Dr. 
 Clubbe died, his physician feeling his pulse with 
 much gravity, and observing, that it beat more 
 even than upon his last visit, " My dear friend/' 
 said he, " if you don't already know, or have not a 
 technical expression for it, I will tell you what it 
 beats — it beats the dead march." 
 
 197. — Wilkes never would spare Boswell, nor 
 conceal before him his prejudices against the Scot- 
 tish nation. He seemed to seize with particular 
 avidity every opportunity to play upon Boswell, 
 
the world's jest-book. 203 
 
 when any thing relating to Scotland was introduced. 
 " You must acknowledge, my friend Wilkes," said 
 Boswell one day, " that the approach to Edinburgh 
 from the London road, presents a very picturesque 
 and interesting picture." "Why, so perhaps it 
 may,' 5 returned Wilkes ; (( but when I was there, 
 the wind was in my face, and brought with it such 
 a confounded stink, that I was obliged to keep my 
 handkerchief to my nose the whole way, and cwuld 
 see nothing of the prospect." 
 
 In the riots of the year 1780, which at the same 
 time endangered and disgraced the metropolis, 
 Wilkes was lamenting the ungovernable violence of 
 a London mob : upon this some brother citizens 
 took him up shortly, and reminded him of the dis- 
 turbances of which he had formerly been the occa- 
 sion. " Sir," replied Wilkes, " I never was a 
 Wilkite." 
 
 198. — The thieves about town, who make a jest 
 of their gravest misfortunes, have got up the cant 
 phrase of " Punishment by the Cubit," in allusion 
 to the name of the inventor of the Tread Mill ; as 
 they also, referring to the name of the Ordinary of 
 Newgate, and his holy office of praying by criminals 
 on the scaffold till the fatal signal for execution is 
 given, designate hanging to be " Leaving the world 
 with their ears stuffed with cotton." 
 
 199. — The Irish papers, in describing a late duel 
 at Waterford, say, that one of the combatants was 
 shot through the fleshy part of the thigh-bone. But 
 this is nothing to the real Irish bull of a man 
 named Hendrick, who, a short time ago, lodged a 
 complaint at the Dublin police-office against a com- 
 rade named Lawless, for cheating him out of his 
 share of the produce of a set of harness which they 
 had stolen out of a coach-house that morning I 
 
204 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Hendrick told his story with great naivette, and 
 mentioned where the harness had been sold, but 
 was quite astonished when the magistrate ordered 
 him to Newgate. Search was immediately made 
 for Lawless. 
 
 200. — Frederick the Great. — As the king was 
 passing in review several regiments near Potsdam, 
 he observed a soldier who had a large scar over his 
 face. Finding he was a Frenchman, Frederick ad- 
 dressed him in his native language, saying, "In 
 what alehouse did you get wounded 3" The soldier 
 smartly replied, " In that where your majesty paid 
 the reckoning. 55 
 
 201. — Man. — Every man is a republic in minia- 
 ture ; and, although very limited in its parts, yet 
 very difficult to govern. Each individual is a little 
 world, the elements ; and having life like the brutes, 
 and reason like the angels, it seems as though all 
 were happily united in him. He can traverse the 
 vast universe, comprehend the present, past, and 
 future ; in him are the principles of life and death, 
 light and darkness; in him, also, are united the 
 most contrary elements and most incompatible 
 qualities. 
 
 202. — The practice of marrying with the ring for 
 the female was adopted by the Romans : the bride 
 was modestly veiled, and after receiving the nuptial 
 benediction, was crowned with flowers. The ring, 
 symbolic of eternity, having no termination, was 
 given and received as a token of everlasting love. 
 
 203. — Lord Mansfield. — This great man was ne- 
 ver ashamed of publicly recanting any wrong 
 opinion he might have adopted or made known, and 
 he used to say, that to acknowledge that you were 
 yesterday wrong was but to let the world know that 
 you were wiser to-day than yesterday. 
 
the world's jest-book. 205 
 
 204. — Ignorant Mayor. — In the reign of Charles 
 I., a mayor of Norwich actually sent a fellow to 
 prison for saying that the Prince of Wales was born 
 without a shirt. 
 
 205. — When Sir Charles Sedley's comedy of Bel- 
 lamira was performed, the roof of the theatre fell 
 down, by which, however, few people were hurt ex- 
 cept the author. This occasioned Sir Fleetwood 
 Shepherd to say, that there was so much fire in his 
 play, that it blew up poet, house, and all. " No," 
 replied the good-natured author, " the play was so 
 heavy, that it broke down the house, and buried the 
 poor poet in his own rubbish." 
 
 206. — Mr. Edmund Burke, the orator, was tell- 
 ing Mr. Garrick one day at Hampton, that all hitter 
 things were hot. " Aye," says Garrick, " what do 
 you think, Mr. Burke, of Utter cold weather ?" 
 
 207 — Good Wishes. — An American paper thus 
 addresses its readers on the commencement of the 
 new year : — " We tender our patrons the usual com- 
 pliments of the season, wishing them good fires 
 without smoky chimneys, sleigh rides without over- 
 turning, warm garments without empty pockets, ar- 
 guments without anger, and plenty of good cider, 
 and withal good memories, which will enable them 
 to keep in mind the old adage, that ' short settle- 
 ments (particularly with the printer) make long 
 friends.' And to the ladies we wish more Chinchilla 
 than Leghorn, more flannel than calico, more plaid 
 than crape, more piety than prudery, more patience 
 than petulance, more red cheeks than naked elbow r s ; 
 and, lastly, a complete victory over old bachelors." 
 
 208. — Foote once performing on the stage, lost 
 his chere amie, and said which way did she run ? A 
 fellow in the gallery cried out, " Straight down Long- 
 acre :" on which Foote replied, " Oh ! oh ! if that's 
 
206 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Jie case I'll soon overtake her I" and off the stage 
 he runs. 
 
 209. — An alarm of fire took place in the theatre 
 during Foote's career, which created a disturbance ; 
 when Foote appeared, and told them not to be 
 alarmed, for there was water enough above the play- 
 house to drown them all in ten minutes, they re- 
 sumed their seats, and sat in peace. 
 
 210 — A gentleman, well known for his parsimoni- 
 ous habits, having billeted himself on his acquaint- 
 ances in Edinburgh during the royal visit, was talk- 
 ing to his friend on his return of the great expense 
 of living. " How much now do you suppose I spent 
 in Edinburgh !'■' " I do not know," replied his 
 friend : " I should suppose about a fortnight." 
 
 211. — Anecdotes of Mrs. Jordan. — The late Mrs. 
 Jordan possessed a heart susceptible of the most ten- 
 der emotions, and these were called into action by 
 the least approach of misery or distress. 
 
 During her short stay at Chester, where she had 
 been performing, her washerwoman, a widow with 
 three small children, was, by a merciless creditor, 
 thrown into prison : a small debt of about forty shil- 
 lings had been worked up in a short time, by law ex- 
 penses, into a bill of eight pounds. As soon as Mrs. 
 Jordan heard of the circumstance, she sent for the 
 attorney, paid him his demand, and observed, with 
 as much severity as her good-natured countenance 
 could assume, "you lawyers are certainly infernal 
 spirits, allowed on earth to make poor mortals mi- 
 serable." The attorney, however, pocketed the af- 
 front, and with a low bow made his exit : on the 
 afternoon of the same day the poor woman was li- 
 berated, as Mrs. Jordan, with her servant, was tak- 
 ing her usual walk on the Chester walls, the widow, 
 with her children, iollowed her, and just as she had 
 
the world's jest-book. 207 
 
 taken shelter from a shower of rain in a kind Oi 
 porch, dropped on her knees, and, with much grate- 
 ful emotion, exclaimed, "God for ever bless you, 
 madam ! you have saved me and my poor children 
 from ruin !" The children, beholding their mo- 
 ther's tears, added, by their cries, to the affecting 
 scene, which a sensitive mind could not behold 
 without strong feelings of sympathy. 
 
 The natural liveliness of Mrs. Jordan's disposi- 
 tion was not easily damped by sorrowful scenes ; 
 however, although she strove to hide it, the tear of 
 feeling stole down her cheek, and stooping to kiss the 
 children, slipped a pound note into the mother's hand, 
 and, in her usual playful manner, replied, u There, 
 there, now it's all over, go, good woman, God bless 
 you : don't say another word." The grateful crea- 
 ture would have replied, but this good female Sama- 
 ritan insisted on her silence and departure. It so 
 happened that another person had taken shelter un- 
 der the porch, and witnessed the whole of this inte- 
 resting scene, who, as soon as Mrs. Jordan observed 
 him, came forward, and holding out his hand, ex- 
 claimed, with a deep sigh, " Lady, pardon the free- 
 dom of a stranger ; but would to the Lord were all 
 like thee !" The figure of this man bespoke his 
 calling : his countenance was pale, and a suit of sa- 
 ble, rather the worse for wear, covered his tall and 
 spare person. 
 
 The penetrating eye of Thalia's favourite votary 
 soon developed his character and profession, and 
 with her wonton good humour, retreating a few 
 paces, she replied, " No, I won't shake hands with 
 you." " Why ?" u Because you are a Methodist 
 preacher, and when you know who I am, you'll send 
 me to the devil !" " The Lord forbid ! I am, as you 
 say, a preacher of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, who 
 
208 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 tells us to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and re- 
 lieve the distressed ; and do you think I can behold 
 a sister so cheerfully obeying the commands of my 
 Great Master without feeling that spiritual attach- 
 ment which leads me to break through worldly cus- 
 toms, and offer you the hand of friendship and 
 brotherly love V 9 
 
 " Well, well, you are a good old soul, I dare say ; 
 but — I — I don't like fanatics ; and you'll not like 
 me, when I tell you who I am." a I hope I shall." 
 " Well then, I tell you I am a player." The preach- 
 er sighed. " Yes, I am a player, and you must 
 have heard of me ; Mrs. Jordan is my name." Af- 
 ter a short pause, he again extended his hand, and 
 with a complacent countenance replied, " The Lord 
 bless thee ! whoever thou art ; his goodness is unli- 
 mited ; he has bestowed on thee a large portion of his 
 spirit ; and as to thy calling, if thy soul upbraid thee 
 not, the Lord forbid that I should." 
 
 Thus reconciled, and the rain having abated, they 
 left the porch together : the offer of his arm was 
 accepted, and the female Roscius of comedy, and 
 the serious disciple of John Wesley, proceeded arm 
 in arm to the door of Mrs. Jordan's dwelling : at 
 parting, the preacher shook hands with her, saying, 
 " Fare thee well, sister, I know not what the princi- 
 ples of people of thy calling may be ; thou art the 
 first I ever conversed with, but if their benevolent 
 practice equals thine, I hope and trust at the great 
 day the Almighty God will say to each, " Thy sins 
 are forgiven thee." 
 
 212. — Since the death of the celebrated Abbe 
 Sicard, the Institution for the Deaf and Dumb at 
 Paris has been under the superintendence of M. 
 Saulnier. The replies of the pupils to questions put 
 to them by the visitors are often very curious. One 
 
the world's jest-book. 209 
 
 of them being asked to define courage, wrote down, 
 " Courage is that strength of the soul which persists 
 in braving the dangers and the evils of life, even at 
 the expense of our glory." Another said of poetry, 
 (( that it paints all that it sees, and adorns all that it 
 paints." 
 
 213. — How to Disperse a Mob. — In the year 1792 
 the women of Toulon declared themselves in a state 
 of insurrection, and, assembling en foule, threatened 
 to hang the magistrates : the procurator syndic, at 
 first laughed at their threats ; but the multitude re- 
 fusing to disperse, he assembled the council general 
 of the commune, and ordered the fire-engines, with 
 a supply of water mixed with soot, to be drawn out 
 in battle array, by a vigorous discharge of which 
 smutty artillery the petticoat insurgents were com- 
 pletely routed, and returned quietly to their homes. 
 
 214.. — When Voltaire was writing Iris tragedy of 
 "Merope" he called upon his servant one morning 
 at three o'clock, and gave hini some verses to carry 
 immediately to the Sieur Paulin, who was to per- 
 form the tyrant. His man alleged that it was the 
 hour of sleep, and that the actor might not like to 
 be disturbed. u Go, I say," replied Voltaire, " Ty- 
 rants never sleep. 
 
 215. — An American citizen, for the 'purpose of 
 arresting attention, caused his sign to be set upside 
 down. One day, while the rain was pouring down 
 with great violence, a son of Hibernia was disco- 
 vered directly opposite standing with some gravity 
 upon his head, and fixing his eyes stedfastly on the 
 sign. On an inquiry being made of this inverted 
 gentleman, why he stood in so singular an attitude, 
 he answered, " I am trying to read that sign." 
 
 216. — Dublin AdveHisement. — An Irish doctor 
 
210 WIT AND WISDOM ; OB, 
 
 advertises, that the deaf may hear of him at a house 
 in Liffey-street, where his blind patients may see 
 him from ten till three. 
 
 217. — One of the congregation at Chelsea Ola 
 Church lately complained that he could not hear the 
 curate, although the building was small, and the 
 people few in number. " Have a little patience, my 
 jewel," said a frank Hibernian, "have a little pa- 
 tience till the great big church is finished that will 
 hold ten times as many, and then we shall all hear 
 the parson sure enough." 
 
 218. — Two honest soldiers of the sister country, 
 who were walking together the other day in the 
 streets of London, accidentally glanced at the fol- 
 lowing notice exhibited from the shop window of a 
 seal engraver to this effect, viz., "Arms found !" 
 When one of them instantly exclaimed to the other, 
 ** Arrah, by my stars, honey, and is not this rare 
 news for Pat 1 I will just now call in and bother 
 them to find me my bit of a leg that I lost you know 
 more than eight years since at the battle of Water- 
 loo !" 
 
 219. — On Procrastination. — Thou hast sinned to- 
 day, defer not thy repentance till to-morrow. He 
 who has promised pardon to thy repentance hath 
 not promised life till thou repent. 
 
 220. — Convinced that patience moderates every 
 grief, a Frenchman conceited he could not speak 
 better comfort to a young widow, who the day be- 
 fore had buried her husband, than by advising her 
 to take patience. The widow having already within 
 herself made choice of a second caro sposa whose 
 name was Patience, vivaciously asked, u What ! has 
 he mentioned it to you \ n 
 
 221. — Anecdote of the late Peter Pindar. — This 
 celebrated personage was, at one period of his life, 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 211 
 
 in possession of a few hundreds in the funds, which 
 his necessities from time to time compelled him to 
 sell out. When Peter was receiving the last portion 
 of his former savings, he expressed great anxiety 
 lest he should be robbed of it in his way through the 
 city ; " For," said he, " 'tis the largest sum ever in 
 my possession." "Pooh," replied his broker, a 
 shrewd personage, in a broad brim and snuff- 
 coloured suit, "let me attach a piece of paper to 
 your coat, with the word poet inscribed upon it, 
 and I'll engage you will excite no suspicions !" 
 • 222. — There was a grand masquerade-ball held 
 at Paris, in the reign of Louis XIII., who was a 
 weak prince. His majesty, notwithstanding his 
 dress, was discovered by two young gentlemen, 
 walking in the ball-room, with his arm round the 
 waist of one of his mistresses. The gentlemen soon 
 came up to his majesty, when one of them com- 
 plained of the heat of the room, and made a motion 
 to the other for them to adjourn to the King's Arms. 
 (( No," replied he, " that will not do, the King's 
 arms is full j but if you think proper, we will retire 
 to the King's head, for that is quite empty." 
 
 223. — Twelve men were lately summoned by a 
 coroner to hold an inquest upon the body of a man, 
 who had met with a premature death, at an obscure 
 village in Lancashire. Eleven of them having as- 
 sembled previous to the coroner's arrival, one of 
 the party sagaciously started an objection as to the 
 practicability of their performing the task assigned 
 to them, viz., to sit upon the body, when it was unan- 
 imously resolved to try the experiment, and they 
 all endeavoured immediately to seat themselves. 
 After this very extraordinary exertion, one of the 
 sapient party went to inform the "Krunner" what 
 the eleven had done, and on seeing him he exclaimed 
 
212 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 " It carina be done, Maister Ralphs ! it caua be 
 done ! it canna be done, sir !" " What canna be 
 done ?" inquired the coroner, with astonishment. 
 "Why," rejoined he, "the whole of us, after 
 thrutching and thrutching till we've welly brusten 
 the body, can hardly find room upon it, so where 
 will you put t'other when he comes ?" The coroner, 
 however, went to the spot, and on the arrival of the 
 twelfth juryman explained the nature of their duty, 
 when they returned their verdict — Accidental Death. 
 
 224. — When the French landed at Bantry Bay, 
 an Irish peasant, who was posted with a musket 
 upon one of the cliffs, and had wandered a little out 
 of his position, was accosted by an English officer 
 with, " What are you here for ?" " Faith, your ho- 
 nour," said Pat, with his accustomed 'grin of good- 
 humour, " they tell me I am here for a century. 99 
 
 225. — The house of Counsellor was broken'' 
 
 into and plundered. The following morning in 
 Court, Mr. Curran was asked if he had heard of 
 
 Counsellor 's robbery ? " No" replied he, " who 
 
 did he rob V 9 
 
 226 — Value of a tail. — A monkey-faced fellow of- 
 fered himself to Garrick as an actor. " It will not 
 do," says Garrick, " at present, but if you had a tail, 
 no money should part us." 
 
 227. — A country clergyman, who, on Sundays, is 
 more indebted to his manuscript than to his memory, 
 called unceremoniously at a cottage, whilst its pos- 
 sessor, a pious parishioner, was engaged (a daily 
 exercise,) in perusing a paragraph of the writings of 
 an inspired prophet. " Weel, John," familiarly in- 
 quired the clerical visitant, " what's this you are 
 about ?" a I am prophesying," was the prompt re- 
 ply. " Prophesying !" exclaimed the astounded di- 
 vine, " I doubt you are only reading a prophecy," 
 
the world's jest-book. 213 
 
 a Weel," argued the religious rustic, "gif reading a 
 preachin' he preachin', is na' reading a prophecy 
 prophesying V 9 
 
 228. — A lady in company evinced a considerable 
 want of presence of mind. She was relating the ac- 
 count of a lover, who in an assignation, which a wife 
 had given him, had escaped the vigilance of a hus- 
 band who was in the pursuit of him. In relating 
 the arrival of the husband, she said to the company, 
 judge how / must have been embarrassed. The hus- 
 band, who was present, understood, as well as the 
 rest of the company, that his historian was the 
 heroine of ,the piece. 
 
 229. — If you wish to be happy for a day, get well 
 shaved ; if for a week, get invited to a wedding ; if 
 for a month, buy a good nag ; if for half a year, 
 buy a handsome house ; if for a year, marry a hand- 
 some wife ; if for two years, take holy orders ; but 
 if you would be always gay and cheerful, practice 
 temperance. 
 
 230. — Parr carried his compassion towards the 
 inferior tribes so far, that two or three hares found 
 a secure asylum for nearly two years in his garden 
 at Hatton. He said that they were his clients, for 
 they had placed themselves under his protection. 
 He gave strict orders that they should not be shot. 
 "It would be a gross violation," he said, "of a tacit 
 covenant of hospitality." 
 
 231. — When Boniface was Pope, a pilgrim, who 
 was come to visit the holy places, was introduced to 
 him, as being a remarkable resemblance both in 
 face and figure. The pope, looking at him, asked 
 him, " If his mother had not been at Home V 9 " No, 
 holy father," answered he " but my father has." 
 
 232. — A gentleman seeing his servant with an 
 old slouching greasy hat on, said, " Who gave you 
 
214 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 that cuckold's hat?" "It is one of your old one's, 
 sir," replied the man, "which my mistress gave me 
 this morning." 
 
 233. — A young girl, quarrelling with an old wo- 
 man, the latter called her a ; the girl re- 
 torted by calling her an old sorceress. " You find, 
 then," replied the old woman, " that I have guessed 
 right." 
 
 234. — Bishop Dupoy invited, one day to dinner, 
 two clergymen and three ladies : he remarked that, 
 during the whole of the repast, the youngest of the 
 two clergymen had his eyes steadfastly fixed on one 
 of the ladies, who was very handsome. The bishop, 
 after dinner, when the ladies had retired, asked him 
 what he thought of the beauty he had been looking 
 at ? The clergyman answered, " My lord, in looking 
 at that lady, I was reflecting that her beautiful fore- 
 head will, one day, be covered with wrinkles ; that 
 the coral on her lips will pass to her eyes, the 
 vivacity of which will be extinguished ; that the 
 ivory of her teeth will be changed to ebony ; that, 
 to the roses and lilies of her complexion, the wi- 
 thered appearance of care will succeed ; that her fine 
 soft skin will become a dry parchment ; that her 
 agreeable smiles will be converted into grimaces ; 
 and that, at length, she will become the antidote of 
 love." " I never should have supposed," said the 
 bishop, " that the sight of a fine woman could have 
 inspired a young man with such a profound medita- 
 tion." 
 
 235. — A young gentleman had given to a fa- 
 vourite dog, the name of Cuckold. One day, when 
 calling this dog, in the presence of a serious and 
 foolish old lady, she said to him, "Sir, you ought to 
 be ashamed of giving a dog a Christian name." 
 
 236. — An old officer, passing through Lyons, at 
 
the world's jest-book. 215 
 
 the close of a campaign, went to the theatre, to see 
 AJcibiades ; he was very attentive to the scene, un- 
 til the fourth act, when observing the cruel manner 
 in which the actress, who performed Palmis, treated 
 an honourable and passionate lover, he rose from 
 his seat, and, in his enthusiasm, exclaimed to the 
 repulsed actor, " Why the devil do not you offer her 
 four louis, as I did last night, and you would soon 
 gain her concent." 
 
 237. — Who knows so well the value of things as 
 a dying man ? The passions, which had formerly 
 been illusions, abandon him at that period, leaving 
 him only the dreadful spectacle of his past life. A 
 monarch, as related by the wise Sadi, was on his 
 death-bed. A Courier entered the room, and s tid, 
 " Sire, we have taken a city from the enemy." <( Go," 
 answered the prince, " announce this to my heir ; 
 and tell him, that a capture of a hundred cities does 
 not console a king in his last moments so much ajs 
 the recollection of one good action." 
 
 238. — A prisoner, who had received notice tha 4 , 
 he was to die the next morning, and being conse- 
 quently in a very dejected state, was asked by some 
 of his unfortunate companions, to share with them 
 in their repast. He answered, "I never eat any 
 thing that I expect will not digest" 
 
 239. — The transmigration of souls was the subject 
 in a large company. A young man, who attempted 
 to turn the subject into ridicule, said, " In fact, 
 can remember having been the golden calf myself:*' 
 " That we can readily believe," replied the lady, 
 with great naivette, "for you have only lost the 
 gilding." 
 
 240. — A thief, on the watch for an opportunity to 
 steal, went to a set of chamoers, kept by a widow, &' 
 Lyons, entered boldly into a room up stairs,, and 
 
216 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 seeing two great coats lying there, made them his 
 own. Coming down stairs he met an attorney, who 
 lived in the house, and had a very handsome great 
 coat on, he asked the thief where he was going with 
 the coats he had over his arm ; he answered readily, 
 that he was going to beat and brush them. " Then," 
 said the lawyer, taking off his great coat, "you 
 shall take mine for the same purpose ; but remem- 
 ber you bring it back at three o'clock." The thief 
 faithfully promised, and thus made a clear escape 
 with his booty. 
 
 241. — A good reputation should be preserved with 
 especial care, for, when it is once lost, it is always 
 difficult to recover, and sometimes even impossible. 
 A good renown is like ice, which, when once broken, 
 can never be made whole again. The following fa- 
 ble affords a very useful lesson on this subject : It 
 happened, one day, that Fire, Water, and Reputation, 
 were travelling together ; they were deliberating 
 how they should meet again, in case of losing each 
 other. Fire says, " You will find me when you see 
 smoke." Water says, "Where you see marshy 
 places you will find me." But Reputation says, 
 " Take care you do not separate from me : should 
 you do so, you run a great risk of never meeting me 
 again ; for, when I am once lost, it is seldom I am 
 ever recovered." 
 
 242. — Benzaret, who had married imprudently, 
 was soon after met by a friend, who unfortunately 
 offered his congratulations on the occasion. " The 
 Denefice would be a good one," said he " if it did 
 not require residence." 
 
 243. — Mr. Burke, one day, in the warmth of de- 
 bate, spoke some words rather disrespectful of the 
 government. Mr. George Onslow called him to or- 
 der, and said he would not sit silent and hear 
 
THE world's jest-book. 217 
 
 the sovereign insulted. Mr. Burke in explanation 
 said, " That though he reverenced his majesty's own 
 person, he saw no reason for respecting his majesty's 
 maii-servant and ids maid-servant, his ox and his 
 
 ASS." 
 
 244. — A lady of fortune, of middling age, and who 
 hLd a great partiality for a young man, gave him a 
 valuable estate. The donation was, at her death, dis- 
 puted by a young lady of great beauty, who was 
 heiress to the donor ; however, it was confirmed to 
 the young man, by a decree of the state. The young 
 lady, in accosting him, said, with good-humoured 
 raillery," You must own, sir, that you have acquired 
 this estate at a very cheap rate." " True, madam, 
 and, as you seem to know what it cost me, I offer 
 it to you at the same price." 
 
 245. — It is related that the grandfather of Sir 
 Francis Burdett was in the commission of the peace. 
 and resided at Foremark, in Derbyshire ; that his 
 wife was much pleased and amused by sitting on the 
 bench, and hearing the justice business ; but that 
 she always retired whenever a case came on to be 
 heard calculated to shock the ears of discretion. A 
 fellow, of more wit than prudence, it appears, often 
 occasioned the departure of the lady-justice, being 
 charged six or seven times a-year, at least, with in- 
 creasing the population without deference to the ser- 
 vice of matrimony, and as it was necessary to go 
 into the detail, his appearance was always a signal 
 for Lady Burdett's retreat. On one of these occa- 
 sions she met him at the door, and seeing him 
 rather dejected, said, " Ah, Charlton, what ! here 
 again ?" u Yes, my Lady," replied the fellow, u and 
 for the old offence." * Fie, fie upon you," replied 
 her ladyship, " fie upon you, Charlton ; why don't 
 you leave the maids alone t why don't you see and 
 
218 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 get a wife V\ " So I do, sometimes, my lady," said 
 Charlton; "but then the husbands make such a 
 pother." 
 
 246. — Peter the Great. — When the czar ordered 
 public execution, he was frequently seen to weep. 
 Miss Hambleton, a maid of honour to the Empress 
 Catherine, had an amour, which at different times 
 produced three children. She had always pleaded 
 illness, but Peter, suspecting the case, ordered his 
 physicians to attend her, who soon discovered the 
 real state of it. It was likewise discovered, that a 
 sense of shame had got the better of her humanity, 
 so that the children had been put to death as soon 
 as they were born. The emperor inquired if tho 
 father of them was privy to the murder, but the 
 mother insisted that he was innocent, she having al- 
 ways deceived him by pretending they were sent to 
 nurse. Justice now called on the emperor to punish 
 the offence. The lady was greatly beloved by the 
 empress, who pleaded for her ; but though the 
 amour might have been pardonable, the murders 
 could not be so. Peter sent her to the castle, and 
 visited her in person. The fact being confessed, he 
 pronounced her sentence with tears, and told her 
 that his duty as a prince, and God's vicegerent, 
 called on him for that justice which was due to her 
 crime ; and therefore she must prepare for death. 
 He likewise attended her on the scaffold, where he 
 embraced her with tenderness mixed with sorrow ; 
 and some have asserted, that when her head was 
 struck off he kissed her lips. Extraordinary as this 
 circumstance may appear, it may very well be cre- 
 dited of so extraordinary a man as Peter the Great. 
 
 247. — The Staffordshire Collieries. — Many anec- 
 dotes might he collected to shew the great difficulty 
 of discovering a person in the collieries without be- 
 
the world's jest-book. 219 
 
 ittg in possession of his nickname. The following was 
 received from a respectable attorney. During his 
 clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process 
 on a man whose name and address were given to 
 him with legal accuracy. He traversed the village 
 to which he had been directed from end to end, 
 without success, and after spending many hours in 
 the search, was about to abandon it in despair, when 
 a young woman who had witnessed his labours, 
 kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and 
 began to hail her friends for that purpose. " Oi 
 say, Bullyed, does thee know a man neamed Adam 
 Green I" The bull-head was shaken in sign of 
 ignorance. " Loy-a-bed, does thee 1" Lie-a-bed's 
 opportunities of making acquaintance had been 
 rather limited, and she could not resolve the diffi- 
 culty. Stumpy, (a man with a wooden leg) Cow- 
 skin, Spindleshanks Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellow- 
 belly, were severally invoked, but in vain, and the 
 querist fell into a brown study, in which she re- 
 mained for some time. At length, however, her 
 eyes suddenly brightened, and slapping one of her 
 companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed trium- 
 phantly, " Dash my whig ; whoy he means my fey- 
 ther !" and then, turning to the gentleman, she 
 added, " You should ha' ax'd for Ould Blackbird \" 
 248. — A handsome young woman, who was a wit- 
 ness in a trial of crim. con. before Lord Mans- 
 field, was interrogated by Counsellor Dunning, who, 
 thinking to confuse the woman, made her take off 
 her bonnet, that he might have a view of her coun- 
 tenance, and see (for all counsellors are complete 
 judges of physiognomy) whether the truth come from 
 her lips. After he put many ridiculous questions 
 to her, he asked her whether her mistress had ever 
 communicated the important secret to her. u No, 
 
220 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 sir," said the woman, a she never did." " And how 
 can you swear to her infidelity ?" u Because I saw 
 another gentleman, besides my master, in bed with 
 her." "Indeed!" said the counsellor. "Yes, in- 
 deed, sir." " And pray, my good woman," said the 
 modest counsellor, thinking to silence her at once, 
 " did your master (for I see you are very handsome) 
 in return for his wife's infidelity, go to bed to you V 9 
 " That trial," said the spirited young woman, " does 
 not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops." Lord 
 Mansfield was tickled to the soul ; he thrust his 
 hand into the waistband of his breeches (his cnstom 
 when highly delighted), and asked Dunning if he 
 had any more interrogatives to put. " No, my lord, 
 I have done," said the chop-fallen orator, settling 
 his wig, and sitting down. 
 
 249. — James I., being one day at play with a fel- 
 low-pupil, his tutor, Buchanan, who was reading, 
 desired them to make less noise. Finding that 
 they disregarded his admonition, he told his majesty, 
 if he did not hold his tongue he would certainly 
 whip him. The king, alluding to the fable, replied, 
 he would be glad to see who would bell the cat. 
 Buchanan, in a passion, threw the book from him, 
 and inflicted on his majesty a sound flogging. The 
 old Countess of Mar rushed into the room, and tak- 
 ing the king in her arms, asked how he dared to lay 
 his hands on the Lord's anointed. " Madam," re- 
 plied the elegant and immortal historian, " I have 
 whipped his bottom : you may kiss it, if you please." 
 When Buchanan was asked how he came to make 
 a pedant of his royal pupil, he answered, "He 
 thought he did a great deal to make any thing of 
 him." 
 
 250. — Sir John Price was extremely eccentric ; 
 he married three wives, and kept the two first after 
 
the world's jest-book, 221 
 
 their demise embalmed ; placing them in his cham- 
 ber, one on each side of his bed. The third lady 
 refused him the honour of her hand till he had re- 
 moved the dead rivals, and interred them. 
 
 251. — A few days ago Lowndes, the theatrical 
 bookseller, presented a cheque at the banking-house 
 of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier put- 
 ting the usual question, a How will you have it ?" 
 replied, " Cold, without sugar." 
 
 252. — When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of 
 a man-of-war, and was cruising on the coast of 
 Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain by a fever, 
 on which the lieutenant, who was a ScotchmaE, gave 
 him notice of it, saying, at the same time, " that he 
 was sorry to inform him that he died a Roman Ca- 
 tholic." " Well, so much the better," said his lord- 
 ship. " Oot, oot, my lord, how can you say so of a 
 British clergyman %" " Why," said his lordship, 
 " because I believe I am the first captain of a man- 
 of-war, that could boast of having a chaplain who 
 had any religion at all" 
 
 253. — When the trial of Mr. Hastings commenced 
 at Westminster-Hall, the two first days were taken 
 up in reading the articles of impeachment against 
 him ; and four more were occupied by Mr. Burke 
 in opening the case, and stating the grounds of ac- 
 cusation. Never were the powers of that great 
 man displayed to such advantage as on this oc- 
 casion. The contrast which he drew between the 
 ancient and the modern state of Hindostan, was 
 sketched with the hand of a master, and wrought up 
 in a manner that could not fail to fix the attention 
 and to command admiration. When at length he 
 came to speak of Mr. Hastings, no terms can 
 describe the more than mortal vehemence with 
 which he hurled his manifold accusations against 
 
222 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 him. He seemed for the moment as if armed to 
 destroy, with all the lightning of all the passions. 
 The whole annals of judicial oratory contain nothing 
 finer than his conclusion. 
 
 " I impeach Warren Hastings," said he, u . in the 
 name of the Commons of Great Britain in Parlia- 
 ment assembled, whose parliamentary trust he has 
 abused. 
 
 " I impeach him in the name of the Commons of 
 Great Britain, whose national character he has dis- 
 honoured. 
 
 "I impeach him in the name of the people of 
 India, whose laws, rights, and liberties he has sub- 
 verted ; whose properties he has destroyed ; whose 
 country he has laid waste and desolate. 
 
 u I impeach him in the name of human nature 
 itself, which he has so cruelly outraged, injured and 
 oppressed. And I impeach him in the name and 
 by the virtue of those eternal laws of justice, which 
 ought equally to pervade in both sexes every age, 
 rank, and situation in the world." 
 
 The agitation produced by this speech was such, 
 that the whole audience appeared to have felt one 
 convulsive emotion : and when it was over, it was 
 some time before Mr. Fox could obtain a hearing. 
 
 Amidst the assemblage of concurring praises 
 which this speech excited, none was more remark- 
 able than the tribute of Hastings himself. " For 
 half an hour," said that gentleman, " I looked up at 
 the orator in a reverie of wonder ; and during that 
 space I actually felt myself the most culpable man 
 on earth." Had the sentiment concluded here, our 
 readers would not believe that it was in the 
 language or manner of Mr. Hastings. " But," con- 
 tinued he, "I recurred to my own bosom, and 
 
THE world's jest-book. 223 
 
 there found a consciousness which consoled me 
 under all I heard, and all I suffered." 
 
 254. — In a village in Picardy, after a long sick- 
 ness, a farmer's wife fell into a lethargy. Her 
 husband was willing, good man, to believe her out 
 of pain ; and so, according to the custom of that 
 country, she was wrapped in a sheet and carried 
 out to be buried. But, as ill luck would have it, 
 the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the 
 thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman 
 from her trance. Some years after she died in re- 
 ality, and as the funeral passed along, the husband 
 would every now and then call out, "Not too near 
 the hedge, not too near the hedge, neighbours !" 
 
 255. — Some years ago, when the well-known 
 Vice Societies were in the hey-day of their useful 
 exertions, and their influence extended throughout 
 the country, a certain parson in the north, looking 
 towards preferment, made himself extremely busy 
 in his parish, in order to find any thing of which he 
 might make a merit. He had a servant girl, a jolly 
 wench about sixteen, whom he thought he could 
 advantageously employ as a spy upon a boarding- 
 school for girls in the neighbourhood. In a short 
 time she brought his reverence word that the vil- 
 lage barber, who beside was a dealer in books, sup- 
 plied the young ladies of the school with such as 
 were improper. Proof was somehow obtained of 
 the unfortunate shaver having sold a book under 
 the rose, which the parson insisted must have the 
 effect of instilling loose ideas into the female mind : 
 and, notwithstanding the magistrate had a different 
 opinion of the book and its tendency, the parson 
 whispered to the justice, the reformed interest pre- 
 vailed, and the man was bound over to the quarter- 
 sessions. When the trial came on, to the infinite 
 
224 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 mortification of the parson, his maid, the chief evi- 
 dence, had not attended according to his orders. 
 A messenger was in consequence sent express to 
 the parsonage, to fetch the witness, and shortly re- 
 turned in a great hurry to inform the court that the 
 girl was not at home, having been sent by her mis- 
 tress with the cow to bull. The court was so con- 
 vulsed with laughter at the comical termination of 
 this attempt to guard the purity of the female mind, 
 that the culprit was dismissed even without a repri- 
 mand, which the chairman declared himself utterly 
 unable to furnish under existing circumstances. 
 
 256. — The tradesmen of a certain great man, or 
 scoundrel, having dunned him for a long time, he 
 desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor, 
 who had not been so constant in his attendance as 
 the rest. When he made his appearance, " My 
 friend," said he to Mm, K I think you are a very 
 honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you ; 
 therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you that 
 
 I'll be d d if ever I pay you a farthing. Now 
 
 go home, mind your business, and don't lose your 
 time by calling here. As for the others, they are 
 a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom / have no 
 affection, and they may come as often as they 
 choose." 
 
 257. — One day at the table of the late Dr. Pearce, 
 (Dean of Ely,) just as the cloth was removing, the 
 subject of discourse happened to be that of an ex- 
 traordinary mortality among the lawyers. "We 
 have lost," said a gentleman, "not less than six 
 eminent barristers in as many months." The Dean, 
 who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished his 
 remark, and gave the company grace, — " For this, 
 and every other mercy, the Lord's name be praised !" 
 The effect was irresistible. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-JtiOOK. 225 
 
 258. — Mr. Jeremy White, an Irishman, and one 
 of Oliver Cromwell's domestic chaplains, a sprightly 
 man, and one of the chief wits of the court, was so 
 ambitious as to make his addresses to Oliver's 
 youngest daughter, the Lady Frances. The young 
 lady did not discourage him ; but in so religious a 
 court, this gallantry could not- be carried on with- 
 out being taken notice of. The Protector was told 
 of it, and was much concerned thereat ; he ordered 
 the person who told him to keep a strict look-out, 
 promising if he could give him any substantial proof, 
 he should be well rewarded, and White severely 
 punished. 
 
 The spy followed his business so close, that in a 
 little time he dogged Jerry White, as he was gene- 
 rally called, to the lady's chamber, and ran imme- 
 diately to the Protector, to acquaint him that they 
 were together. r 
 
226 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 Oliver, in a rage, hastened to the chamber, and 
 going in hastily, found Jerry on his knees, either 
 kissing the lady's hand, or having just kissed it. 
 Cromwell, in a fury, asked what was the meaning 
 of that posture before his daughter Frances ? 
 White, with a great deal of presence of- mind, said, 
 " May it please your highness, I have a long time 
 courted that young gentlewoman there, my lady's 
 woman, and cannot prevail ; I was, therefore, hum- 
 bly praying her ladyship to intercede for me." 
 
 The Protector, toning to the young woman, 
 cried, " What's the meaning of this, hussy ; why do 
 you refuse the honour Mr. White would do you $ 
 he is my friend, and I expect you should treat him 
 as such." My lady's woman, who desired nothing 
 more, with a very low courtesy, replied, " If Mr. 
 White intends me that honour, I shall not be 
 against him." "Sayest thou so, my lass?" cried 
 Cromwell ; " call Goodwyn : this business shall be 
 done presently." 
 
 Mr. White was gone too far to go back ; his bro- 
 ther parson came : Jerry and my lady's woman 
 were married in the presence of the Protector, who 
 gave her five hundred pounds for her portion, which, 
 with what she had saved before, made Mr. White 
 easy in his circumstances, except that he never 
 loved his wife, nor she him, though they lived toge- 
 ther near fifty years afterwards. 
 
 259. — The following beautiful and highly sublime 
 idea is to be found in an Arabic manuscript : " I 
 came to the place of my birth and cried, 'The 
 friends of my youth, where are they V and an echo 
 answered, ' Where are they V " 
 
 260. — An Irishman being asked the meaning of 
 a " Maiden Session," replied, it was one at which 
 none but female prisoners were to be tried. 
 
the world's jest-book. 227 
 
 261. — A gentleman, residing on his estate, on the 
 road to Dorking, and within a few miles of that 
 town, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, 
 set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to 
 scare offenders, by the notification that " Steel-traps 
 and spring-guns are set in these grounds ;" but 
 finding that even this was treated with contempt, 
 and his fruit, &c, vanished as before, he caused to 
 be painted in very prominent letters underneath, 
 " No joke, by G — d !" winch had the desired 
 effect. 
 
 262. — A lady's beauty is dear to her in every si- 
 tuation — in sickness, and even in death. Mrs. 
 
 B 1, daughter of Dean S — h — e, was a very 
 
 lovely woman ; she was worn out with a long and 
 painful sickness. As, in her last faintings, her at- 
 tendants were rubbing her temples with Hungary- 
 water, she begged them to desist, as it would make 
 her hair grey ! 
 
 263. — On Sim day, having attended divine wor- 
 ship at a country church, Handel asked the organ- 
 ist to permit him to play the people out, to which, 
 with a politeness characteristic of the profession, 
 the organist consented. Handel accordingly sat 
 down to the organ, and began to play in such 
 a masterly manner as instantly to attract the atten- 
 tion of the whole congregation, who, instead of va- 
 cating their seats as usual, remained for a consider- 
 able space of time fixed in silent admiration. The 
 organist began to be impatient, (perhaps his wife 
 was waiting dinner,) and at length addressing the 
 performer, told him that he was convinced that he 
 could not play the people out, and advised him to 
 relinquish the attempt ; which being done, a few 
 strains in the accustomed manner operated like the 
 reading of the Riot- Act. 
 
228 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 264. — At an assize in Ireland, a counsel, had the 
 effrontery to ask a most respectable parent whe- 
 ther he had not been consenting to the seduction of 
 his own daughter. " Fellow," replied the witness, 
 "a question so dishonourable your native feeling 
 might not allow you to have put, but I perceive that 
 ten guineas indorsed upon your brief have eradica- 
 ted the principles of the gentleman and the true 
 dignity of the man ; that they have also not only 
 stifled or extinguished what feeling you once might 
 have possessed, but excited you basely to violate 
 those of an aged and already agonized parent. 
 I might appeal to all present, and ask which is the 
 greater villain, the man who commits, or he who 
 for a few paltry guineas would excuse or palliate 
 so great a crime, and shield from legal vengeance 
 so great a criminal as he who now stands before the 
 crowded court ?" The counsel heard and cowered 
 under the rebuke. 
 
 265. — A Methodist preacher, who was also a 
 master builder, felt no inconsiderable share of va- 
 nity in his talent for polemical controversy. He 
 one day attacked the late Father O'Leary upon the 
 celibacy of the Catholic priesthood, and asked him 
 how it came that he and his clergy rejected the di- 
 vine precept, "increase and multiply;" thus re- 
 fusing to co-operate by contributing their part to the 
 great structure of society. " Pray, friend," said 
 the sarcedotal wit, " are you not a master builder ?" 
 "Yes," answered the Methodist. "I suppose, 
 then," rejoined the priest, " you act as your own 
 bricklayer, stone-mason, smith, carpenter, slater 
 and painter." "Oh, no," said the Methodist, "I 
 never meddle with hammer, trowel, or brush ; I 
 set others to work, and only superintend them." 
 " 'Tis just so with us," added the priest, " in the 
 
THE WORLD'S J1&T-BOOK. 229 
 
 great building of society we set blockheads like you 
 to work, never meddling with the tools ourselves, 
 but merely superintend the business." 
 
 266. — As an old woman was lately walking 
 through one of the streets of Paris at midnight, a 
 patrole called out, "Who's there?" "It is 1, 
 patrole, don't be afraid." 
 
 267. — A .certain nobleman, a courtier, in the be- 
 ginning of a late reign, coming out of the House of 
 Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham with, 
 " How does your pot boil, my lord, these trouble- 
 some times ?" To which his grace replied, •" I 
 never go into my kitchen ; but I dare say the scum 
 is uppermost." 
 
 268. — My Lord Strangford, who stammered very 
 much, was telling a certain bishop that sat at his 
 table, "that Balaam's ass spoke because he was 
 pri — est — " (t Priest-rid, sir," said a valet-de- 
 chambre, who stood behind the chair, " my lora 
 would say." "No, friend," replied the bishop, 
 " Balaam could not speak himself, and so his a& 
 spoke for him." 
 
 269. — A farm was lately advertised in a news- 
 paper, in which all the beauty of the situation, fer- 
 tility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were 
 detailed in the richest glow of rural description, 
 which was farther enhanced with this : N.B. There 
 is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neigh- 
 bourhood. 
 
 270. — A staunch but figurative anti-reformer was 
 declaiming the other day on the riots at Bristol. 
 " I declare," he exclaimed, " that I no longer con- 
 sider the king's crown to be safe : no, there's no 
 crown now but the crown of reform ; and that in- 
 stead of blazing with pi'ecious jewels, is only set 
 with Bristol stones /" 
 
230 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 271. — From the gentility of old Cooke's appear- 
 ance he had the address to impose upon a number 
 of tradesmen, whose hopes he excited and then dis- 
 appointed merely for some paltry advantage in the 
 way of business. One day, entering the shop of a 
 tailor in a middling way, and having cloth under 
 his arm for a pair of breeches, he asked if he could 
 cut them out, adding, that as he was rather parti- 
 cular in fitting, he should like them done while he 
 staid. The man, consenting to this, and taking 
 much trouble to please Cooke's taste, after having 
 cut and adjusted all the parts, asked him when he 
 should like to have them brought home, thinking, 
 of course, he was to make them ; to which Cooke 
 replied, " Have them home ? Why, I shall have 
 them with me, to be sure ; my maid is to make 
 them, I only intended that you should cut them out 
 for her. There is sixpence for your trouble, and if 
 you don't think it enough, you may seek your 
 remedy." 
 
 272. — Lord Chief Justice Jefferies had a cause 
 before him between a Jew that was plaintiff and a 
 Christian defendant. The latter pleaded that though 
 the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, 
 by the laws of England, to bring an action. "Well," 
 says my lord, " have you no other plea I" " No, 
 my lord," said he, " I insist on this plea." " Do 
 you," says my lord, " then let me tell you, you are 
 the greatest Jew of the two." 
 
 273. — The pomposity of Dr. Johnson, and his 
 vain display of learning amongst those who as- 
 sumed in his presence any acquaintance with liter- 
 ature, are well known. Old Macklin, the player, 
 who was a genuine Hibernian, one day paid the 
 doctor a visit as a literary man, and after a few in- 
 troductory words, the doctor observed in a sneering 
 
the world's jest-book. 231 
 
 way, that literary men should not converse in the 
 vulgar tongue, but in the learned languages, and im- 
 mediately addressed the dramatist in a long sen- 
 tence of Latin. Macklin, after expressing his 
 accedence to the doctor's proposition, said he would 
 rather converse in Greek, and immediately pro- 
 ceeded in a long sentence of equal length in Irish. 
 The doctor again reverted to the English tongue, 
 and observed, " Sir, you may speak very good Greek, 
 but I am not sufficiently versed in that dialect 
 to converse with you fluently." Macklin burst out 
 laughing, made his bow, and retired. 
 
 274. — When Paddy Blake heard an English gen- 
 tleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Kil- 
 larney, which repeats the sound forty times, he very 
 promptly answered, " Pooh ! faith that's nothing at 
 all at all to the echo in my father's garden, in the 
 county of Galway ; there, honey, if you were to say 
 to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake? it would 
 answer, Very well, I thank you, sir" 
 
 275; — A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solo- 
 mon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one 
 night at a tavern, " Now," said he, " have I done 
 as much as Samson, for I have slain my thousands, 
 and my ten thousands." " Yes," answered one of 
 the company, " and with the same weapon, too, — 
 the jaw bone of an ass." 
 
 276. — A gentleman in York, meeting one of his 
 labourers coming out of a public-house, asked him 
 how he did. " I've been doing, sir," he replied, 
 " what you durst not do for your life ; I've just been 
 spending my last shilling." 
 
 277.— In 1772, Sir Richard Steele, who had for- 
 merly represented the town of Boroughbridge, in 
 Yorkshire, and Stockbridge, in the county of Hants, 
 was at a loss where to make his election in parlia- 
 
232 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 ment, as his finances were at that time a little dis- 
 ordered ; however, he was at last advised by his 
 friend Hamden to try Wendover, in Bucks, which 
 he did ; and in order to save expenses, he thought 
 of a stratagem that had the desired effect. Instead 
 of. the usual method of treating at every public- 
 house in the town, he caused a handsome entertain- 
 ment to be provided at the principal inn, and 
 invited every married elector, with his wife, to be 
 present at it. All who know the character of Sir 
 Richard, are sensible how capable he was to make 
 such a company immoderately merry, and to keep 
 them so for more than an evening or two if it suited 
 his purpose. Accordingly he soon brought them 
 to a pitch, and in the height of their jollity he took 
 occasion to address himself to the ladies, telling 
 them that if what he was going to offer was agreea- 
 ble to them, he hoped for their interest with their 
 husbands to choose him as their representative in 
 parliament for that borough. The women were all 
 impatient to hear what he had to say ; and at last 
 said Sir Richard, u Ladies, I hope there is none 
 here but wishes herself the mother of a man-child, 
 and as an encouragement to use your best endea- 
 vours, I promise each of you twenty guineas for 
 every male you bring into the world within these 
 ten months, and forty provided you bring twins." 
 The time when this was said, and his manner of 
 saying it, produced what he imagined it would, 
 a great deal of love, and a great deal of laughing : 
 it gained upon the affections of the wives, and the 
 wives got the voices of their husbands ; so that Sir 
 Richard gained his election against a powerful op- 
 position, by a great majority. 
 
 278.— The late Rev. Mr. , of D , 
 
 Aberdeenshire, was fond of his friend and a bottle; 
 
the world's jest-book. 233 
 
 he sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, 
 that the presbytery could no longer overlook such 
 proceedings, and summoned him before them to 
 answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and con- 
 stant companion in his social hours, was cited as a 
 witness against him. " Well, John, (says one of 
 the presbytery to the elder,) did you ever see the 
 
 Rev. Mr. C the worse of drink !" Weel, I wot 
 
 no ; I've mony a time seen him the better o't, but 
 I ne'er saw him the waur o't." " But did you ne- 
 ver see him drunk ?" " That's what I'll ne'er see ; 
 for before he be half slockened, I'm ay blind fu\" 
 
 279. — Voiture having satirized a nobleman who 
 was powerful at court, the latter sought every occa- 
 sion to revenge himself, and challenged Voiture to 
 fight him with swords. " We are not equals," re- 
 plied the poet ; " you are very great, I am little ; 
 you are brave, I am cowardly ; you wish to kill me, 
 — eh Men; I will consider myself as dead." This 
 timely jest turned the anger of the nobleman into 
 irrestrainable laughter, and they parted good 
 friends. 
 
 280. — Diogenes, visiting Plato at his villa, and 
 perceiving that the floors were beautifully spread 
 with carpets of the richest wool and finest dye, 
 stamping his foot in sardonic scorn, he exclaimed, 
 « Thus do I tread on the pride of Plato !" " With 
 greater pride," mildly replied Plato. 
 
 281. — A vacant see was to be supplied, and the 
 synod observed to the emperor Peter the Great, 
 that they had none but ignorant men to present to 
 his majesty. " Well then," replied che Czar, " you 
 have only to pitch upon the most honest man : he 
 will be worth two learned ones." 
 
 282 — A provincial paper announces the marriage 
 of a Mr. Rum to a Miss Sheepshanks. 
 
234 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 283. — The following elegant lines are inscribed 
 above the door of the Red Lion public-house, near 
 Greenwich. We scarcely know which to admire 
 the more, their rhyme or their reason : — 
 " Let us go in, and have some gin, 
 I know 'twill make us cheerful ; 
 This is the shop where friends do stop, 
 And drink it by the pail-full." 
 
 284. — Special Pleaders in the Court of Requests. 
 — A dispute having arisen between Jerry Snip, a 
 respectable tailor, and Galen Glauber, an eminent 
 apothecary, respecting a pair of small-clothes, with 
 which Mr. Snip had furnished him, the tailor was 
 under the necessity of calling upon the doctor to 
 meet him at the Court of Requests, where the fol- 
 lowing trial of professional skill took place, to the 
 great entertainment of the whole court. Mr. Snip 
 having thrice hemmed, to clear his pipe, thus ad- 
 dressed the bench — 
 
 " An't please your worship, I beg leave to tender 
 my suit ; trusting I shall receive such measure of 
 redress, as is fitting. I am in sheer distress, and 
 live upon remnants and such like, and besides am 
 sorely afflicted with the tape-worm, else I would 
 laugh in my sleeve, and care not a button for my 
 enemy. As it is, I must stick in his shirts till he 
 pays ; for I can't afford to be out of pocket. My in- 
 side must be lined with a thimble-full of good stuff, 
 or I must die / But though I am poor, I am a pat- 
 tern of morality, and would rather go to hell and 
 feed on cabbage than say a pin's point from the 
 truth, before one seated on the shop-board of justice. 
 Now, your worship must know, this 'potticary, 
 Galen Glauber, who has not a skein of honesty in 
 his make, ordered a pair of jalap-coloured breeches, 
 or, as the ladies delicately call them, inexpressibles, 
 
the world's jest-book. 235 
 
 When I took them home, no fault was found ; but 
 when I presented my bill, my gemman began to hem y 
 and getting into a huge pucker, said I might as well 
 have put him into a straight waistcoat, that the barvd 
 was too high, and had given him a twist in the 
 bowels, a stitch in the side, and such sort of nonsense. 
 This raised my choler, and we were very near com- 
 ing to cuffs. My fingers did itch to trim, him, and 
 to sew his eyes up ; I'd have made him stiff as buck- 
 ram. For I'll lay any man a goose to a remnant 
 there never was a better cut article in the trade. 
 So I hope your worship will not allow Galen Glau- 
 ber to leave the yard before he opens the plaits of 
 his purse, and gathers for me the amount of my bill.'* 
 Mr. Snip having concluded, the doctor thus re- 
 plied, " Now that this precipitate maniac has made 
 his crude indigested motion, replete with gall, let 
 me submit a statement of the case. I trust that I 
 shall purge from your worship's mind all ideas of 
 my having followed a wrong course, and that I shall 
 so turn the scales as to gripe my opponent smartly, 
 Nothing acid shall issue from my lips. I would ra- 
 ther heal than ulcerate ; I would rather discuss than 
 foment this tumour of disputation. It shall be my 
 endeavour to remove those symptoms of inflammation 
 which must obstruct the cure of the evil before us. 
 Yet I am by no means lethargic or phlegmatic ; not 
 so ; I only avoid venomous applications, such as 
 must irritate the subject. But to proceed — this 
 quack of a prick-louse was called in to make me a 
 pair of small-clothes, for which, after due consulta- 
 tion he had my recipe. But having perhaps taken a 
 drachm too much, or being void of all scruples of 
 conscience, he neglected to form them secundem ar- 
 tern, as I had prescribed. He made the waistband 
 too small, which, operating as a ligature, pressed so 
 
236 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 severely on the abdomen as to produce a constipa- 
 tion of the rectum, and agitating the intestines, so 
 accelerated the peristaltic motion as to cause a rapid 
 expulsion of the faces, such as eluded the reten- 
 tive powers of the sphincter ani f This operation so 
 flooded the small-clothes in question, as to render 
 them not only an eye-sore, but too foetid for further 
 use, as your worship's olfactory nerves no doubt can 
 testify. The revulsion I have described was evi- 
 dently induced by the pressure of the belly-band, 
 which being so tense as to render ineffectual all at- 
 tempts to unbutton, compelled me to the necessity 
 of making an incision, so as to divide the noxious 
 parts. All this I pointed out in a lecture to this 
 phrenzied man, who, in lieu of being patient, and 
 duly weighing causes with effects, became red as 
 dragon's blood, and, assuming a daring tone, adher- 
 ing like diachylon to his unjust demands. I remained 
 cool, else, had I been of an irritable habit, I should 
 have made my stick cling round him like quill-bark, 
 or perhaps have phlebotomized him at the nose) 
 However I will amputate all excrescences from the 
 matter, and having described the rise, progress, and 
 symptoms of the distemper, will cheerfully confide in 
 your worship's justice to deliver me from this luna- 
 tic's obstruction to the functions of my profession." 
 
 The court having heard both parties, decided 
 that as the tailor had not abided by the orders given, 
 he must submit to a non-suit. 
 
 285.— Good Trade. 
 At Highgate, by salubrious air, 
 
 Had thriven butchers — bakers ; 
 But since a doctor settled there, 
 None thrive but undertakers. 
 
 286. — Hibernian Blunders, exemplified in the fol- 
 lowing copy of a Letter, written, during the Rebellion, 
 
THE WORLD J JEST-BOOK. 237 
 
 ly an Irish Member of Parliament, to his fricmdj in 
 London. — " My dear sir : Having now a little peace 
 and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the dread- 
 ful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood- 
 thirsty rebels, most of whom are, thank God, killed 
 and dispersed. 
 
 u We are in a pretty mess ; can get nothing to 
 eat, nor any wine to drink, except whiskey ; and 
 when we sit down to dinner, we are obliged to keep 
 both hands armed. Whilst I write this letter I 
 hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. 
 I concluded from the beginning that this would be 
 the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half 
 over yet. At present there are such goings on, that 
 every thing is at a stand. 
 
 " I should have answered your letter a fortnight 
 ago, but I only received it this morning. Indeed, 
 hardly a mail arrives safe without being robbed ; 
 no longer ago than yesterday, the coach, with the 
 mails from Dublin, was robbed near this town : the 
 bags had been judiciously left behind for fear of ac- 
 cidents, and by good luck there was nobody in it 
 but two out-side passengers, who had nothing for 
 the theives to take. 
 
 "Last Thursday, notice was given that a gang ot 
 rebels was advancing here under Jhe French stan- 
 dard ; but they had no colours nor any drums, ex- 
 cept bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, 
 including women and boys, ran out to meet tiiem. 
 We soon found our force much too little, and they 
 were far too near for us to think of retreating. 
 Death was in every face ; but to it we went, and by 
 the time half our little party were killed we began 
 to be all alive. Fortunately the rebels had no guns 
 but pistols, cutlasses, and pikes ; and, as we had 
 plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them 
 
233 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 ail to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped except 
 some that were drowned in an adjacent bog ; and, 
 in a very short time, there was nothing to be heard 
 but silence. Their uniforms were all of different 
 colours, but mostly green. After the action we went 
 to rummage a sort of camp the} had left behind 
 them ; all we found was a few pikes without heads, 
 a parcel of empty bottles full of -water, and a bundle 
 of blank French commissions filled up with Irish- 
 men's names. 
 
 "Troops are now stationed every where round 
 the country, which exactly square with my ideas. 
 
 " I have only leisure to add that I am, in great 
 haste, yours truly. 
 
 " P. S — If you don't receive this in course it must 
 have miscarried ; therefore, I beg you will immedi- 
 ately write to let me know." 
 
 287. — Praise Undeserved, a Kindness. — Louis 
 Xry f commended an indifferent orator ; a lady who 
 wa^ present expressed much surprise on hearing 
 the king speak in such terms of praise. "My opinion 
 of the orator, madam," said Louis, " does not much 
 differ from yours ; but if I think a few compliments 
 can make a person happy, I must be a churl not to 
 bestow them." 
 
 288. — At a village near Cambridge, Mrs. Mills, 
 
 who keeps the Post-office, is likewise a midwife in 
 
 considerable practice. A cantab passing that way, 
 
 wrote with a diamond on a front pane of glass — La- 
 
 ' dies and letters safely delivered, 
 
 289. — A young lady having .laid a wager with a 
 young man of her acquaintance, which she lost, was 
 n company with him some time after, and he pro- 
 posed another bet. " Indeed sir," said she, " I shall 
 not lay with you again." " Really, Miss," he re- 
 plied, " I do not recollect you ever did." 
 
THE world's jest-book. 239 
 
 290. — A Noble Mother. — The celebrated Duchess 
 of Grammont, on being brought before the revolu- 
 tionary tribunal, was asked by Fonquier Tinville, 
 the public accuser, if it was not true that she had 
 sent money to her emigrant children. " I was about 
 to say no," replied she ; "but my life is not worth 
 saving by a falsehood." 
 
 291. — A gentleman having lately written to his 
 friend, to know if he was well pleased with the pur- 
 chases made by his good spouse at a late fashion- 
 able sale, the husband replied in the following 
 distich : — 
 
 Such bargains purchas'd by my dear, 
 
 Her taste at auctions showing, 
 Will make me turn an auctioneer— 
 For I am — going ; going. 
 
 292. — A certain fashionable, well-known as a 
 general contractor for loans, was making application 
 to a gentleman, named Fife, for a contract. The 
 gentleman, celebrated for his immense wealth and 
 close-fistedness, replied, " Sir, you may attempt to 
 play on me, but not a note shall you draw forth." 
 
 293. — At Beerhaven, lately, died, at the age of 111, 
 Mr. O'Sullivan. It is added, that he is much la- 
 mented by 216 nephews and nieces. If this family 
 be not of high rank or remarkable opulence, they 
 are certainly distinguished for their good breeding ! 
 
 294. — At the examination of Colonel Thornton 
 before the Lord Chancellor, a person present said, 
 from his witty remarks, he thought him a dry dog. 
 " You would be satisfied of that," said a gentleman 
 at his elbow, u if you were to see the quantity of 
 wine he drinks." 
 
 295. — Charles Bannister being in company, and 
 the conversation turning upon dreams, a person, 
 who put great faith in them, observed, that some- 
 
240 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 thing serious was likely to befal himself, for the 
 night before he had dreamed of lice. Bannister re- 
 plied that it was not at all wonderful, as people ge- 
 nerally dreamed at night of what had been running 
 in then* heads the day before ! 
 
 296.— When Polly Watts was tried at the West- 
 minster sessions on a charge of vagrancy, for at- 
 tempting to pick pockets in Covent-garden Theatre, 
 Jack Townshend was called as to character, and 
 saying that he knew her to be a notorious thief these 
 last thirty years, Polly emphatically exclaimed, 
 " Then, Mr. Townshend, it seems you can't toast of 
 your acquaintances." 
 
 297. — Two men disputing upon their genealogy, 
 " I can prove my family " said the first, " to have 
 existed before the deluge." " And I," replied the 
 other, "can prove mine from Adam." "And I 
 mine before Adam," rejoined his opponent. "You 
 are right," retorted the second, " for before Adam 
 there were no animals but brutes." 
 
 298. — An under-sheriff at a country town, a 
 short time since, was consulting the hangman as to 
 the strength and size of the old gallows, to hang five 
 men, who had been left for execution, when he 
 received the following answer, " Lord bless you, sir, 
 it be both strong enough and large enough — and 
 take my word the men will hang very comfortably.'' 9 
 
 299. — A baker and his wife had been committed 
 in the west of England for having in their posses- 
 sion a large number of forged bank-notes. This 
 is a charge of a more serious nature than a light 
 quartern loaf of bread, and may involve them in a 
 vecJc of troubles. 
 
 300. — A London paper says, " General Cuckold 
 is arrived at Portsmouth, to take his passage to the 
 Cape." We suppose Cape Horn. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 I 
 
 241 
 
 301. — John Day ; apathetic, Ballad. 
 
 John Da)', he was the biggest man 
 
 Of all the coachman-kind, 
 With back too broad to be c^eeived 
 
 By any narrow mind. 
 
 The bar-maid of the Grown he loved, 
 From whom he never ranged ; 
 
 For though he changed his horses there 
 His love he never changed. 
 
 Chjie day, as she was sitting down 
 
 Besides the porter-pump — 
 He came, arid knelt with all his fut, 
 
 And made an offer pl:;£i]->. 
 
242 wit and wisdom ; OR, 
 
 In vain he wooed, in vain he sued, 
 
 The maid was cold and proud, 
 And sent him off to Coventry, 
 
 While on his way to Stroud. 
 
 He fretted all the way to Stroud, 
 
 And thence all back to town : 
 The course of love was never smooth, 
 
 So his went up and down. 
 
 The cruel maid that caused his love 
 
 Found out the fatai close : 
 For looking in the butt, she saw 
 
 The butt-end of his woes. 
 
 302. — A would-be wit at Margate, a summer op 
 two back, wishing to be very amusing, wrote, instead 
 of any name, in the one-card Loo, at Garner's, 
 
 " Mr. Garner's natty wig." 
 When he attended in the evening to hear the names 
 read over, anticipating a soi't of triumph, he was 
 not a little discomposed at hearing the following line 
 read after his own, which a wag had [added in the 
 course of the day, 
 
 " As you've no brains, 'twill be too big." 
 
 303. — A dashing buck, having just mounted a 
 fashionable great coat, trimmed with a profusion of 
 ■fur, lately asked an old gentleman how he liked his 
 new hick ? (i Upon my word, sir," said he, " I like 
 it extremely, for it reminds me of a very excellent 
 fable." "What is that ?" returned the interrogator. 
 " The Ass in the lion's skin," was the answer. 
 
 304 — A lady, whose Christian name is Jane, has 
 shown such a manifest attachment for a length of 
 time to residing at the sea side, that some friends 
 have stiled her Jane Shore. 
 
the world's jest-book. 243 
 
 305.— A school-master of this city (a great enemy 
 to idleness), thinking the old copy, a Laziness will 
 clothe a man with rags," not sufficiently correct, al- 
 tered it, and gave it to one of his scholars thus, 
 " Laziness will clothe a man with nakedness" 
 
 3 06. -^During the time of the Emperor of Russia's 
 residence in England, an Irish gentleman, in the 
 true spirit of bull-making, offered to bet a guinea 
 that he would visit Ireland he/ore lie left this king- 
 dom. 
 
 307. — A secretary of war, being at a corporation 
 feast, when the dinner was over, and the glass went 
 merrily round, one of the aldermen addressed him- 
 self to his lordship as follows : — 
 
 "My lord, I wonder, amongst the various changes 
 of ins and outs in the administration, I have always 
 observed your lordship in constant employ." This 
 was repeated several times, as his lordship endea- 
 voured to evade giving a direct answer ; however, 
 at last, on the observation being repeated, his lord- 
 ship made this laconic reply : "Mr. Alderman, I 
 look on the state as a large plum-pudding, and whilst 
 there is a bit of it left, I am determined to a have 
 part of it." 
 
 308. — A careless barber, trimming a customer's 
 ears, put him in great pain and uneasiness. "Are 
 you trimming my left ear now !" says the man. 
 « No, sir ; not till I've done the right." " Oh ! 
 only I thought by what I felt that you were passing 
 through the left ear without going round." 
 
 309. — Anecdote of the late Edmund Kean. — Du* 
 ring the recess which followed Kean's first triun> 
 phant season at Drury-lane, he accepted an offer to 
 play at Portsmouth. He had then become the 
 great Mr. Kean, travelled in his own chariot, gave 
 splendid dinners, and was an honoured guest at the 
 
244 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 board of every manager. On the morning of t^e 
 day on which lie was to make his appearance at the 
 Portsmouth theatre, the manager and two or three 
 friends invited Mr. Kean to take a glass of Madeira 
 and a biscuit at one of the principal hotels. The 
 party entered the hotel, and seated themselves. 
 The wine and biscuits were brought, and the land- 
 lord, " albeit a great man," could not do less for 
 such a guest as Mr. Kean than wait upon him in 
 person. Kean had no sooner perceived the landlord, 
 than darting upon him one of those soul-searching 
 looks for which he was so celebrated, he exclaimed, 
 
 w Stop — is not your name V " Yes, sir," said 
 
 the landlord, astonished at his looks, and at the tone 
 in which he addressed him. "Then," said Kean, 
 "I will not eat or drink in your house. Eight years 
 ago I went into your coffee-room, and modestly re- 
 quested a glass of ale ; you surveyed me from top 
 to toe, and having doiae so, I heard you give some 
 directions to your waiter, who presented me the 
 glass in one hand, holding out the other for the 
 money : I paid it, sir, and he then relinquished his 
 hold of the glass. I am better dressed now — I can 
 drink Madeira — I am waited upon by the landlord 
 in person — but am I not the same Edmund Kean as 
 I was then, and had not Edmund Kean then the 
 same feelings that he has now f Away with you, sir. 
 Avaunt ! your sight pains me !" and having said 
 this, he took his hat and hastily left the apartment. 
 " Now," said Kean, when they had quitted the house, 
 " I will take you to an honest fellow who was kind 
 to me in my days of misfortune." They entered a 
 third-rate house, and having ordered some wine, de- 
 sired to see the landlord. He came, but it was not 
 the host of Kean's recollection ; he was dead. There 
 was, however, a sort of half waiter, half-pot-boy, 
 
the world's jest-book. 245 
 
 who had lived at the house when Kean frequented 
 it and who was a great favourite of his master. Kean, 
 with a tear in his eye, inquired about the family ot 
 the deceased landlord, and, on leaving the house, 
 asked the waiter what o'clock it was. " I will see, 
 sir," said the waiter, running to the stairs, at the 
 head of which stood a clock. " Have you no watch ?" 
 said Kean. "No, sir." "Take that and buy one, 
 and whenever you look at it, think of your master." 
 The noble-hearted actor put five pounds into the 
 hands of the waiter, who remained mute with as- 
 tonishment. 
 
 310. — Modern Antiques. — "Have you any thing 
 else old l" said an English lady at Rome to a boy, 
 of whom she had bought some modern antiques : 
 " Yes," said the young urchin, thrusting forward his 
 hat, which had seen some dozen summers, " my hat 
 is old." The lady rewarded his wit. 
 
 311. — An Irish servant being asked if her master 
 was at home, replied, " No." " When will he re- 
 turn !" " Oh, when master gives orders to say he 
 is not at home, we never know when he will come 
 in." 
 
 312. — It is not long since a publican sued a cler- 
 gyman for not paying off his ale-house score, but 
 having no wi-itten account, and being told he must 
 produce his voucher, he ran out of court, fetched 
 a closet door off its hinges, produced it, swore to the 
 debt, and obtained a verdict. 
 
 313. — Two friends passing by a small obscure 
 house in a dirty lane, one remarked to the other 
 that it was Mr. Logwood's, the dyer, who kept his 
 curricle and country house. " But surely he can- 
 not reside here V " Oh,, no ; this is his dying 
 house !" "'Ah ! if so, that completely accounts for 
 his not living in it." 
 
246 WIT AND wisdom : OR, 
 
 814. — A French paper states, that there is at 
 present, near Pamponue, a miller's daughter, so 
 pretty and so cruel, that the sighs of her numerous 
 admirers would be sufficient to turn her father's 
 mill. 
 
 315. — A drunkard, in speaking of his wife, said, 
 u She is the glass of my heart, the wine-cellar of 
 my pleasures, and the tavern of my happiness." 
 
 316 — A gentleman being told of an attorney 
 dying very rich, and leaving a handsome legacy in 
 his will to found a hospital, neatly observed, " I am 
 glad to hear it ; it will be an asylum for those he 
 has ruined." 
 
 317. — Among the many mistakes into which 
 foreigners have been betrayed when learning the 
 English language, the following, which recently oc- 
 curred, is not the least whimsical. A young German 
 wishing to acquire elegance as well as correctness 
 of phrase, and not liking the meanness of the term, 
 "put out the candle," was informed by his instructor, 
 that he might say, if he chose, " extinguish the can- 
 dle." A few days afterwards, a dog annoyed the 
 young foreigner very much by howling in his room, 
 on which, turning to his servant, he ordered him 
 " to extinguish dat dog." 
 
 318. — A traveller was lately boasting of the 
 luxury of arriving at night, after a hard day's 
 journey, to partake of the enjoyment of a well-cut 
 ham and the left leg of a goose. " Pray, sir, what 
 is the peculiar luxury of a left leg ?" * Sir, to con- 
 ceive its luxury, you must find that it is the only 
 leg which is left /" 
 
 319. — "It is odd," said one friend to another, 
 a that there should be so many failures amongst 
 tradesmen, when I have known several, who after- 
 wards failed, that took from £30 to £40 a day, and 
 
the world's jest-book. 247 
 
 made nothing of it." " Ah ! my dear sir," said his 
 friend, " that is the very reason of their being bank- 
 rupts ; they take so much money and make nothing 
 
 of a: 9 
 
 320. — An intelligent and amusing traveller says, 
 that a Portuguese beggar, when going to solicit cha- 
 rity, put on his lest clothes. This circumstance 
 places the Portuguese mendicants far above our beg- 
 gars, who have usually but one set of habits, all of 
 which are equally bad, 
 
 321. — During a late contest for Westminster, a 
 person, who was always anxious to know the state 
 of the poll, put the following question to a wag : 
 " Pray, sir, who's got a head to day I" He replied, 
 " Why, thank God, / have for one, and if you had 
 not, vou would be unable to ask so foolish a ques- 
 tion." 
 
 322. — A pick-pocket, who had been ducJced for his 
 mal-practices, accounted to his brethren for the de- 
 rangement in his appearance, by coolly observing, 
 that he had not been able to change his dress since 
 his return from a celebrated watering-place ! 
 
 323, — Boileau being frequently called upon by an 
 idle, ignorant person, who complained to him that 
 he did not return his visits, " Sir," said the French 
 satirist, " we are not upon equal terms : you call 
 upon me merely to get rid of your time : when I 
 call upon you, I lose mine !" 
 
 324. — A modern tourist says that there are many 
 wet nurses in Ireland, but that he had not heard in 
 the whole kingdom of a dry nurse. 
 
 325. — A lady in Scotland lately wrote to a friend 
 in London, and in communicating the intelligence 
 that a female acquaintance had recently entered into 
 the marriage state, observed, u That it was the ge- 
 neral expectation that she would have & female son/" 
 
248 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The passage was considered inexplicable ; but on a 
 little application, and collating it with the usual or- 
 thography of the writer, the mystery was explained : 
 she meant it to be understood that her friend was 
 likely to " have & family soon." 
 
 326. — The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, 
 Esq., of Acton-place, who was reputed to be the 
 richest commoner in England, when at the age of 
 92, was applied to by one of the tenants, then in the 
 eightieth year of his age, to renew his lease for a 
 further term of fourteen years ; when, after some 
 general observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, "Take 
 a lease for 21 years, or you will be troubling me 
 again I" and this was accordingly granted. 
 
 327. — A shoemaker being fined, at Stamford, five 
 shillings for being drunk in view of the magistrate, 
 poor Crispin allowed he was a wet sole, but de- 
 clared, if they pardoned that offence, it should be 
 his last. 
 
 328. — A fellow applying to the parish officers for 
 relief, was interrogated whether he had ever ac- 
 quired a settlement.. To which he replied, "Yes, 
 please your honour, I've been a house-keeper for se- 
 ven years — in Newgate V (aside.) 
 
 329. — A physician, who lived in London, visited a 
 lady who lived at Chelsea. After continuing his visits 
 for some time, the lady expressed an apprehension 
 that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far 
 on her account. " Oh ! madam," replied the doctor, 
 u I have another patient in this neighbourhood, and 
 by that means, you know, I hill two birds with one 
 stone /" 
 
 380. — During the high price of coals, a gentleman, i 
 meeting his coal-merchant, inquired, u Whether it 
 was a proper time to lay in a stock V The knight 
 of the black diamonds shook his head, observing. 
 
the world's jest-book. 249 
 
 * Coals are coals now sir." To which his customer 
 replied, " I am very glad to hear it, for the last you 
 sent me were all slates." 
 
 331. — A countryman reading on a waggon the 
 names of " Richard Fell " and " John Fell," ex- 
 claimed, with a horse-laugh, " He ! he ! he ! theii 
 I suppose they both toombled together." 
 
 332. — An old gentleman, drinking coffee for 
 breakfast, began to grumble most heartily : his son 
 hastily asked him the reason. " At the quantity of 
 grounds in my cup, boy," replied he. " Ah, then," 
 said the son, u you certainly have many grounds for 
 grumbling." 
 
 333. — An old woman, generally known by the 
 name of Tom Bowling, lately brought before the 
 magistrate at the Public Office, Queen's-Square, for 
 sleeping all night in the street, was committed as a 
 rogue and vagabond, and passed to her parish. 
 She served as boatswain's mate on board a man-ot- 
 war for upwards of twenty years, and has a pension 
 from Chatham chest. When waked at midnight, 
 by the beadle of the street, covered with snow, she 
 cried, " Where the devil would you have me sleep V 
 She has generally slept in this way, and is so hardy, 
 at a very advanced age, that she never catches cold 
 and dresses like a man. 
 
 334. — The age of the Puritans was distinguished 
 by short speeches in the senate, and long graces at 
 table. Tne'leading features of the present are long 
 Bpeeches and short graces. 
 
 335. — His late majesty George TIL once said to 
 Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon vivant, "They tell me, 
 Sir John, you love a glass of wine." "Those, sire, 
 who have so reported me to your majesty," an- 
 swered he, bowing profoundly, " do me great injus- 
 tice ; th:y shoul i have said a bottle." 
 
250 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 336. — A gentleman was relating in a coffee-house 
 an accident he had met with from a fall, was asked 
 by a surgeon present, if it was near the vertebrce 
 that he had been hurt . " No sir," was the reply, 
 J it was near the Elephant and Castle" 
 
 337. A free translation of the terms on some 
 boxes in an apothecary's — Ligna, matches — Varia, 
 odds and ends — Emplastra, old gloves and resin — 
 Folia, waste paper — Radices, beginnings — Residua, 
 ends. 
 
 338. — It is observable that, as often as the matri- 
 monial blacksmith of Gretna-Green visits London, 
 he lodges in Fetter-Lane. 
 
 339. — A labouring man for his first wife got one 
 who never mended her clothes, but tore the ragged 
 bits off;* for the second wife, he got one who tied 
 up the ragged parts into knots. He then said, 
 " Weel done, knitty knotty ; thou's weel worth rive- 
 rags." 
 
 340. — A publican, who was examined respecting 
 a late Westminster election, was asked whether a 
 committee sat at his house. The man answered 
 with great naivette, " that there was one man who 
 attended daily for several hours ; but whether his 
 name was Committee or not he could not tell." 
 
 341. — A provincial paper mentions the marriage 
 of Mr. Goose to a Miss Floclc. The gendering gos- 
 sips predict from this union a plentiful supply of 
 goslings. 
 
 342. — A Jew of the name of Bredermann died 
 lately at Pest, who has left property of eight mil- 
 lions of florins, which he acquired chiefly by con- 
 tracts ; he went from house to house with a bundle 
 at his back. He offered a physician at Vienna, Dr. 
 Frank, half a million to prolong his life, but the in- 
 flammation in his bowels could not be stopped. 
 
the world's jest-book. 251 
 
 343. — A stupid person one day seeing a man of 
 learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, 
 * So, sir, philosophers I see can indulge in the great- 
 est delicacies." "Why not," replied the other, 
 "do you think providence intended all the good 
 things for the ignorant ?" 
 
 344. — A girl forced by her parents into a disa- 
 greeable match with an old man, whom she de- 
 tested, when the clergyman came to that part of the 
 service where the bride is asked if she consents to 
 take the bridegroom for her husband, said, " Oh 
 dear, no, sir ; but you are the first person who has 
 asked my opinion about the matter." 
 
 345. — One Phillips died a short time since, at 
 Wells, while ringing a peal in the belfry. Little 
 dreamt he it was his own hielL 
 
 346. — A dealer in tea and sugar being lately ac- 
 cused of an assault, the magistrate, who is a bit of 
 a punster, observed, u That though he had seldom 
 heard of a grosser offence than the present case* 
 still he saw many reasons to recommend that severe 
 advantage be taken of the lump" 
 
 347. — A fire happening, not long ago, at a public- 
 house, a man passing at the time entreated one of 
 the firemen to play the engine upon a particular 
 door, and backed his request by the bribe of a shil- 
 ling. The fireman consequently complied, upon 
 which the arch rogue exclaimed, " You have done 
 what I never could do ; for, egad, you've liquidated 
 my score /" 
 
 348. — A gentleman describing a person who often 
 visited him for the. sole purpose of having a long 
 gossip, called him Mr. Jones, the stay-maker. 
 
 349. — When the first edition of Thomson's Sea- 
 80118 came out, the poet sent a copy handsomely 
 bound, to Sir Gilbert Elliot, of Minto. afterwards 
 
252 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Lord Justice Clerk, who had shewn him great kind- 
 ness. Sir Gilbert showed the book to his gardener, 
 a relation of Thomson, who took the book in his 
 hands, and turning it over and over, and gazing on 
 it with admiration, Sir Gilbert said to him, " Well, 
 David, what do you think of James Thomson 
 now ? there's a book will make him famous all the 
 world over, and immortalize his name." David 
 looking now at Sir Gilbert, then at the book, said, 
 " In troth, sir, it is a grand book ! I did not think 
 the lad had ingenuity enow to ha' done sic a neat 
 piece of handicraft." 
 
 350. — The Ipswich Journal contains the following 
 odd assemblage : — Monday, was married, by Mr. 
 Moses Samuels, Mr. Simon Aaron to Miss Aaron 
 Samuels, both of this place." 
 
 351. — The late counsellor E , chairman of 
 
 the Quarter Sessions for Dublin, was so remarkable 
 for his lenity to female culprits, that a woman was 
 seldom convicted when he presided. On one occa- 
 sion, when this humane barrister was not in the chair, 
 a prim looking woman was put to the bar of the Com- 
 mission Court, at which presided the equally hu- 
 mane, though not so gallant, Baron L -. She 
 
 was indicted for uttering forged bank notes. Ac- 
 cording to usual form of law, the clerk of the crown 
 asked the prisoner if she was ready to take her 
 trial. With becoming disdain, she answered, " No!" 
 She was told by the clerk she must give her reasons 
 why. As if scorning to hold conversation with the 
 fellow, she thus addressed his lordship : " My lord, 
 I won't be tried here at all ; I'll be tried by my 
 Lord E ." The simplicity of the woman, cou- 
 pled with the well-known character of E , 
 
 caused a roar of laughter in the court, which even 
 the bench could not resist. Baron L , with his 
 
the world's jest-book. 253 
 
 usual mildness, endeavoured to explain the impossi- 
 bility of her being tried by the popular judge, and 
 said, " He can't try you ;" when the woman stop- 
 ped him short, and, with an inimitable sneer 
 exclaimed, " Can't try me ! I beg your pardon, my 
 lord ; he tried me twice before." She w r as tried, 
 however ; and, for the third time, acquitted. 
 
 352. — Making the lest use of a Saint. — The late 
 Brinsley Sheridan, although no Catholic, knew how 
 to make the best use of the saints. Returning 
 home early one morning from a princely banquet at 
 Carlton-House, the facetious orator, being Bacchi 
 jplenus, missed his perpendicular, and reeled into 
 the mud. From this dilemma he was extricated by 
 some labouring men who were going to their work. 
 *' Who are you !" said one of the men who picked 
 him up. t( Hush ! hush !" says Don Sherry, "don't 
 expose me — I'm a saint and a member of parlia- 
 ment — my name's Wilberforce — here's my card," 
 presenting one of that gentleman's, which he chanced 
 to have in his pocket. K See me part of my way 
 home, and call upon me to-morrow evening in the 
 lobby of the House of Commons, at seven, and I'll 
 reward you for your trouble." The men did as 
 they were desired, and when they sent up for Mr. 
 Wilberforce in the evening, to Bellamy's, Sheridan 
 took care to be in waiting, followed the puritan 
 down to the door, enjoyed the awkward embarrass- 
 ment of the strangers, and the indignation of the 
 saint, who professed he was never in that filthy 
 state in his life. When he retired, Sheridan step- 
 ped forward and gave each of the poor fellows a 
 guinea, then returned to the lobby, and told the tale 
 himself, to the no small amusement of his laughter- 
 loving companions. 
 
 353. — The Lucky Thought; or, the Dream. — An 
 
254 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 old, rickety, fidgety, amorous blade, who had taken 
 to himself a young wife, had occasion to leave home, 
 and puzzled his brains for some place to secure her 
 fidelity in his absence. For, alas ! the young men • 
 were such wicked wretches that he feared some one 
 or other might impose upon her weakness. This 
 induced him to hit upon an expedient as novel as it 
 was ludicrous. He explained to her the depravity 
 of the age ; and, as a security against any male en- 
 tering into conversation with her, obtained her 
 promise that she would answer in the negative to 
 every thing that a man might ask her, and with this 
 assurance departed. A gentleman soon passed the 
 end of the garden in which she was walking, and 
 
 politely asked, "Is this my way to %" (a 
 
 place not fifty yards further.) " No." " Can you 
 inform me which is the road V 9 " No." u I beg 
 your pardon, madam, but did you not misunder- 
 stand me V 9 " No." (i Really it is strange, is it 
 not V 9 " No." The spark surprised at so many 
 negatives, thought to turn them to account. " Ma- 
 dam," said he, "have you any objection to my 
 sitting down ?" " No." " Will you be angry if I 
 enter the house \" " No." " Have you any dislike 
 to accompany me V 9 " No." The gentleman now 
 knew his customer ; found " no " as convenient as 
 "yes," and after enjoying many miexpected and 
 agreeable civilities, he exchanged rings with his 
 charmer, and took his leave. Old Frostwig re- 
 turned, and believed his wife when she informed 
 him that she had never uttered " yes " to the most 
 trifling question from a man in his absence. The 
 old boy had a house in London, and thither they 
 soon after removed. 
 
 The gentleman returned in a few months, but the 
 bird had flown, no one knew whither ; and the ad- 
 
the world's jest-book. 255 
 
 venture formed one of his most amusing stories in 
 most companies. One day, after dining with an old 
 frieDd, who had recently introduced his lady to 
 company, he began to relate the story. He had 
 already enumerated three parts of the negatives and 
 civilities he received. The host rubbed up his wig, 
 and appeared impatient. The lady of the house 
 shuffled about, and at length observing that her vi- 
 sitor must be thirsty, nearly forced a glass of wine 
 down his throat, in which, to his astonishment, he 
 discovered the identical ring he had exchanged 
 with the object of his narrative. He had gone too 
 far for the host's peace of mind ; every thing coin- 
 cided so exactly, that nothing but confusion was 
 anticipated. " Well, well," said the host, impa- 
 tiently, "go on ; what then, what then ?" " Why, 
 then I awoke, and found my servant had been 
 calling me till he was tired, as it was past ten 
 o'clock. 
 
 354. — The Female Eye. — A modern writer gives 
 the following enumeration of the expression of a 
 female eye : The glare, the stare, the leer, the sneer, 
 the invitation, the defiance, the denial, the consent, 
 the glare of love, the flash of rage, the sparkling of 
 hope, the languishment of softness, the squint of 
 suspicion, the fire of jealousy, and the lustre of 
 pleasure. 
 
 355. — It is well-known that the veterans who 
 preside at the examinations of surgeons, question 
 minutely those who wish to become qualified. 
 After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous 
 inquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he 
 wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, 
 what he would prescribe. He mentioned many di- 
 aphoric medicines in case the first failed, but the 
 unmerciful questioner thus continued : " Pray, sir 
 
256 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 suppose none of these succeeded, what step would 
 you take next V 3 " Why, sir," enjoined the en- 
 raged and harassed young Esculapius, " I would 
 send him here to* be examined, and if that did not 
 give him a sweat, I do not know what would." 
 
 356. — In an old drama on the subject of the De- 
 luge, Noah summons his wife into* the ark, and on 
 her refusing to come in, swears at her by John the 
 
 357. — Of German pride we have the following 
 extraordinary anecdote : A German lord left orders 
 in his will not to be interred, but that he might be 
 enclosed upright in a pillar, which he had ordered 
 to be hollowed and fastened to a post in the parish, 
 in order to prevent any peasant or slave from 
 walking over his body. 
 
 358. — Some Frenchmen who had landed on the 
 coast of Guinea, found a negro prince seated under 
 a tree, on a block of wood for his throne, and three 
 or four negroes, armed with wooden pikes, for his ■ 
 guards. His sable majesty anxiously inquired, 
 " Do they talk much of me in France ?" 
 
 359.' — Spinning Virtue. — A young preacher, who 
 chose to enlarge to a country congregation on the 
 beauty of virtue, was surprised to be informed of an 
 old woman who expressed herself highly pleased 
 with his sermon, that her daughter was the most 
 virtuous woman in the parish, for lt that week she 
 had spun sax spindles of yarn." 
 
 360. — Mr. Abernethy was one day descanting 
 upon the advantage of a public education for 
 boys, when he concluded by saying, "And what 
 think you of Eton ? I think I shall send my son 
 there to learn manners." (i It would have been as 
 well, my dear," responded his wife, " had you gone 
 there too." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-300K. 257 
 
 361. — A shoemaker having heard the famous 
 Thomas Fuller repeat some verses on a scolding 
 wife, was so delighted with them, as to request 
 a copy. " There is no necessity for that," said Ful 
 ler, " as you have the original." 
 
 362. — A village pastor was examining his parish* 
 ioners in their catechism. The first question in 
 the Heidelberg Catechism is this : " What is thy 
 only consolation in life and in death ?" A young 
 girl, to whom the pastor put this question, laughed, 
 and would not answer. The priest insisted. "Well, 
 then," said she at length, " If I must tell you, it is 
 the young shoemaker who lives in the Rue Ag- 
 neaux." 
 
 363. — A curious inquirer, desirous to know how 
 he looked when asleep, sat with closed eyes before 
 a mirror. 
 
 E 
 
258 WIT AND WISDOM ; OB, 
 
 364. — True Consolation. — A citizen of Geneva 
 having lost his wife, he, according to the custom of 
 the country, attended the funeral to the cemetery, 
 which is out of the city. Somebody meeting him 
 on his return from the painful ceremony, assuming 
 a sorrowful countenance, and in the tenderest man- 
 ner possible, asked him how he did. " Oh," replied 
 the widower, " I am very well at present ; this little 
 walk has set me up : there is nothing like country 
 air." 
 
 365. — A keen shopkeeper having in his service a 
 couple of shopmen, who in point of intellect were 
 the very reverse of their master, a wag who fre- 
 quented the shop for some time, puzzled the neigh- 
 bourhood by designating it a u music shop" although 
 the proprietor deads as much in music as millstones. 
 However, being pressed for an explanation, he said 
 that the scale was conducted by a sharp, a flat, and 
 a natural ; and if these did not constitute a music," 
 he did not know what did. 
 
 366. — A dashing young man at Paris, who sel- 
 dom neglected the theatre or the opera-house, 
 having casually strayed into a church, was asked 
 by one who saw him come out, how many persons 
 he thought the audience might consist of, when he 
 inadvertently replied, " The pit was full, but the 
 boxes were very thin." 
 
 367. — Two friends having been taken ill much 
 about the same time, one of them recovered Mg 
 health a considerable time before the other, upon 
 which some surprise being expressed, the first con- 
 valescent observed, he had nothing but his disorder 
 to contend with, but that his friend had that and 
 the doctor into the bargain. 
 
 363. — When the late Mr. Windham, the war 
 minister, wa3 upon a trip to the continent, he met 
 
the world's jest-book. 259 
 
 with a dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his 
 inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the 
 church of England, to which he received satisfactory 
 answers. Those, however, were succeeded by 
 others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to 
 the manner in which some English preachers manu- 
 facture their sermons. Upon Mr. Windham's con- 
 fessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, 
 in a tone of disappointment, exclaimed, " Why, then, 
 I find, sir, after all the conversation we have had, 
 that I have been deceived as to your profession. 
 They told me you were an English minister" 
 
 369. — Presence of Mind. — A baron in Germany 
 who lost his wife, and dreading the numerous letters 
 and visits of condolence so usual in that country, 
 ordered his coachman to personate him on this oc- 
 casion. To play his part the better, the latter, it 
 being cold weather, wrapped himself up in such a 
 a manner that little more than his eyes could be 
 seen. As soon as any visitor entered the room, he 
 always began to sigh and sob, and exhibit all the 
 signs of acute distress. An intimate friend of his 
 master one day taking uncommon pains to comfort 
 the feigned mourner by bis long speeches and reci- 
 tations, the coachman's patience being quite ex- 
 hausted, he exclaimed, " I am not the baron, but his 
 coachman." "Indeed!" said the visitor, quite un- 
 concerned, "why, then, what's the price of hay 1" 
 
 370. — A bookseller, in a large way, having beec 
 threatened relative to a publication supposed to 
 have been libellous, was requested by a friend to 
 know how it had happened to escape his reading. 
 "My reading !" exclaimed the other, "you might 
 as well expect an apothecary to take his own drugs, 
 as a bookseller to read every book he publishes." 
 
 371. — Children sent to church, it is well known, 
 
260 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 frequently afford ample satisfaction to their parents 
 if they can point out or repeat the text. Not so 
 with the Dissenters ; they generally inquire into the 
 subject of the sermon : hence a poor lad, out of the 
 country, being, for the first time, sent to the meet- 
 ing, was asked on his return, how many heads the 
 minister had 1 "Heads! heads!" exclaimed the as- 
 tonished younker, " he had only one head, to be 
 sure." 
 
 372. — Baptism extraordinary. — A female child 
 was lately taken to a church near town for baptism, 
 when the godfather being asked the name he replied, 
 " Silence" Some talking among the women being 
 heard just at that moment, the minister thought a 
 cessation to this interruption was what was meant by 
 Silence : however, being informed to the contrary, 
 he observed, after the baptism, that Silence was un- 
 doubtedly the most inappropriate name he had ever 
 given to a female in his life. 
 
 373. — A drill-sergeant in the west, not finding 
 himself endued with the patience to endure the 
 awkwardness of his corps, some of whom seemed 
 not to know their right hand from their left, made 
 them stick a whisp of hay and straw in each of their 
 Jacket pockets ; and then, instead of To the right, 
 or To the left, exclaimed, as occasion required, 
 * Hay about ! Straw about !" 
 
 374. — A poetical auctioneer in Gloucestershire 
 
 (ately made use of the following lines in describing 
 
 beautiful cow : — 
 
 a Long in her sides, bright in her eyes ; 
 
 Short in her legs, thin in her thighs ; 
 
 Big in her ribs, wide in her pins ; 
 
 Full in her bosom, small in her shins ; 
 
 Lorn* j n l ie r face, fine in her tail ; 
 
 •A n( * never deficient in filling her pail." 
 
the world's jest-book. 261 
 
 375. — Lessing. — When this celebrated German 
 poet was received into the order of Free-Masons at 
 Hamburgh, one of his friends, a zealous free-ma- 
 son, took him aside, and asked him, " Is it not true 
 that you find nothing among us against the govern- 
 ment, religion, or morals ?" " Yes," answered 
 Lessing, with great vivacity, " but would to heaven 
 I had ; I should then at least have found something." 
 What a sarcasm I 
 
 376. — At a time when the staff of life was very 
 dear in all parts of the kingdom, a baker's servant 
 asked a country labourer to help him to raise up a 
 bag full of halfpence on his head. " Sbodlikins ! but 
 it be main heavy," says Hodge. u So it may," an- 
 swered the baker, "for 'tis nearly the price of a 
 whole batch of bread." " Be it so V cried the la- 
 bourer, " then shame take me if I ever lend a hand 
 in raising the price ; so down it goes, and the mur- 
 rain take the rogues that do raise it !" 
 
 377. — Carrying a Joke too far. — The phrase, 
 "Sending to Coventry," has for some time been 
 known to express the punishment inflicted upon a 
 person by not speaking to him ; and which, being fre- 
 quently adopted by a master tradesman in this city 
 with respect to his journeymen, the latter presuming, 
 upon his general character, that they could take 
 liberties with him, agreed together to send him to 
 Coventry for the course of a whole week. Accord- 
 ingly, not one of them would speak to him, or answei 
 any question he put. This, till Saturday evening 
 passed oft' well enough ; the master, however, then 
 actually went out of town, and when the men came 
 down to the counting-house as usual to be paid, 
 they found these words written on the door — " Gom 
 to Coventry." 
 
 378. — Anecdote of the late Dr. Scott. — Having 
 
262 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 once, when at Cambridge, displeased the under- 
 graduates by preaching against gaming, they mani- 
 fested their disapprobation by scraping with their 
 feetj and interrupting him in the delivery of his dis- 
 course. The next time he preached he chose for 
 his text, (i Keep thy foot when thou goest into the 
 house of God," which he no sooner pronounced than 
 the galleries were on an uproar ; however, the in- 
 terposition of the University officers obliged the stu- 
 dents, at least for that time, to keep their feet from 
 scraping,' the principal object of the doctor's text. 
 
 379. — A poor Irish barrister, who did not always 
 come into court properly dressed, the judge, who 
 was suspected of not being the most pure upon the 
 bench, one day took notice of the barrister in these 
 words, " My dear Mr. Macgrah, I am sorry to see you 
 come into court with such a dirty shirt." " Faith, 
 and I am very sorry for it too," replied the barris- 
 ter ; w but though my shirt is dirty, if your lordship 
 will look you will see that my hands are clane." 
 
 380. — A sot has lately been defined to be "a man 
 with a red face, and a nose exaggerated by intem- 
 perance." This phraseology may be called spirit 
 varnish. 
 
 381. — A lady walking with her husband on the 
 beach, inquired of him the difference between ex- 
 portation and transportation. "Why, my dear," 
 replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, 
 you would be exported, and I should be trans- 
 ported." 
 
 382. — Bribery and Corruption. — It nappens some- 
 times, that we are obliged to give credit to the illi- 
 terate for fine sallies of wit and genuine humour. At 
 the last general election for Westminster, a story is 
 told of a gentleman who was desirous to get upon 
 the hustings at Covent Garden* and thought he 
 
THE WORLDS JEST-BOOK. 263 
 
 would indulge his vein for satire by an appropriate 
 address to the constable who garded the entrance. 
 " I believe," cried he, putting a shilling into his hand, 
 " that there is a little corruption here." " Yes, sir, 
 answered the man, with a significant look at the 
 shilling, "but this is too little /" 
 
 383. — A caricature published in Paris, represents 
 the wives of the Highlanders as differing from all 
 others, as the former are kept under petticoat go- 
 vernment instead of their husbands. 
 
 384. — The attorney-general of Ireland, some time 
 since, in his morning walk, on his way to the Four 
 Courts, Dublin, happened to fall into company and 
 conversation with a brother barrister, distinguished 
 for his candour of expression and the purity and 
 uniformity of his patriotic habits and opinions. 
 w Well," said the attorney-general, " what will the 
 world say to see you and me walking together ?" 
 i6 They will say," rejoined the patriotic barrister, 
 " that you are growing better, or that I am growing 
 worse." 
 
 385. — A Kneeling Quaker At that time of the 
 
 administration of the late Mr. Pitt, when petitions for 
 peace were presented to the throne from all parts of 
 England, Mr. W. Rathbone, a Quaker, was deputed 
 to carry the address from the town of Liverpool ; 
 when, contrary to custom, he presented it on both 
 knees, which so astonished our gracious monarch, 
 that he exclaimed, " What ? what do you go on two 
 knees for ? One knee — never more than one knee." 
 To which Mr. R. gravely replied, " Sire, I bend one 
 knee to God Almighty, to pardon my bending the 
 other to a man /" 
 
 386.— Stoop ! Stoop /—The celebrated Dr. Frank- 
 lin, of America, once received a very useful lesson 
 from the excellent Dr. Cotton Mather, which he 
 
264 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 thus relates, in a letter to his son, Dr. S. Mather, 
 dated Pessey, May 12th, 1781. " The last time I saw 
 your father was in 1724. On taking my leave, 
 showed me a shorter way out of the house by a nar- 
 row passage, which was crossed by a beam over 
 head. We were still talking as I withdrew, he ac- 
 companying me behind, and I turning towards him, 
 when he said hastily, 'Stoop, stoop !' I did not under- 
 stand him till I found my head hit against the beam. 
 He was a man who never missed an opportunity of 
 giving instruction ; and upon this he said to me, 
 ' You are young, and have the world before you : 
 learn to stoop as you go through it, and you will 
 miss many hard thumps.' This advice, thus beat 
 into my head, has frequently been of use to me ; 
 and I often think of it when I see pride mortified, 
 and misfortunes brought upon people by their car- 
 rying their heads too high." 
 
 387. — A young lady at the dancing academy of 
 
 Mr. B , not a hundred miles from Cornhill, 
 
 sitting down and placing her head on her hand near 
 the candle, he called out, " Miss, pray move, or you 
 will be light headed in a minute." 
 
 388. — When the late king's carriage passed 
 through a turnpike-gate on the road to Dublin, an 
 honest fellow hastened to inquire whether the toll 
 had been paid. On being answered in the nega- 
 tive, he paid the money himself, exclaiming with 
 great indignation, " Sure it would be a pretty thing 
 to have the king under an obligation to the likes of 
 a turnpike man." 
 
 389. — A tattling fellow came and told a person, 
 
 of whom he had some knowledge, a secret of the 
 
 utmost importance to himself, begging that he would 
 
 pot tell it again. "Never fear," said the person, 
 
 I shall, at least, be as discreet as yourself." 
 
THE world's jest-book. 265 
 
 390. — An Irish fishwoman having been one day 
 blooded, the apothecary told her that her blood was 
 very bad. "By my faith," said she, "but it's a 
 great big lie, for I was always reckoned to have the 
 best blood of any woman in the kingdom." 
 
 391. — Conscientious Footman. — A gentleman who 
 had travelled as far as Persia, spoke to his man 
 John as he was returning home, telling him how 
 necessary it was that a traveller should draw things 
 beyond the life, otherwise he could not hope for 
 that respect from his countrymen which otherwise 
 he might have ; u But at the same time, John," says 
 he, " wheresoever I shall dine, or sup, keep you 
 close to my chair, and when I do very much ex- 
 ceed the bounds of truth, punch me behind, that I 
 may correct myself." It happened one day that he 
 dined with a certain gentleman, who shall be name- 
 less, where he affirmed that he saw a monkey in the 
 island of Borneo, which had a tail three-score 
 yards long ; — John punched him ; — I am certain it 
 was fifty, at least ;— John punched him again ; — I 
 believe, to speak within compass, for I did not mea- 
 sure it, it must have been forty ; — John gave him 
 another touch ; — I remember it lay over a quickset 
 hedge, and therefore could not be less than thirty ; — 
 John at him again ; — I could take my oath it was 
 twenty ; this did not satisfy John : upon which the 
 master turned about in a rage and said. " D — n you 
 for a puppy, would you have the monkey without 
 any tail at all." 
 
 392. — A man having had his portrait painted, 
 was induced by the artist to consult the people who 
 were passing by, whether he had succeeded. He 
 asked the first who came, " Is this part a likeness V 
 The forced connoisseur replied, " The man is 
 great likeness." He was going to ask a second, 
 
266 WIT AND WISDOM \ OR, 
 
 when the painter, stopping him, said, " the resem- 
 blance of the cap and clothes are of no importance ; 
 ask the gentleman what he thinks of the face." 
 The latter hesitated a good while ; at last, being 
 obliged to give an opinion of some sort, he replied, 
 " the beard and the hair are a very great likeness." 
 
 393. — Two brothers were cultivating the ground 
 together ; the eldest went home first to prepare 
 dinner, and then called his brother : upon which 
 the latter cried out, with a loud voice, " Wait till I 
 have hid my spade, then I will come directly." 
 When he came to the table, his brother scolded 
 him, saying, " When one hides any thing, one ought 
 to be silent, or at least to speak about it with a low 
 voice ; for by bawling out as you did, one risks 
 being robbed." The dinner being over, the younger 
 brother went again into the field, but on seeking 
 the spade, he only found the place where he had 
 put it. He immediately ran back to his brother, 
 and approaching his ear mysteriously, he whispered, 
 " my spade has been stolen." 
 
 394. — Mr. G 1, a gentleman of fortune, resi- 
 ding in Portland-place, fell in love with the late 
 Princess Charlotte of Waies ; and bo earnest was 
 lie to obtain her in marriage, that he became 
 insane. His family and friends became alarmed 
 for his personal safety ; and fearful lest he should 
 attempt suicide, placed him under the care oi 
 a physician, who directed, without loss of time, that 
 he should be freely blooded. To this, after re- 
 peated attempts, he would never accede. However, 
 the pupil of one of the physicians hearing of the 
 circumstance, hit upon an expedient, and engaged 
 to bleed Mr. G. The plan was laid out, and Mr. 
 G. introduced to the young gentleman, who stated 
 he was the bearer of a message from the princess, 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 267 
 
 and requested to see Mr. G. in private. No sooner 
 was this information received, than the pupil was 
 shown up to the drawing-room. Mr. G. cautiously 
 shut all doors, and with great impatience requested 
 the stranger to divulge, without loss of time, what 
 he had to say from the princess. 
 
 " Why, you must know, sir," said he, ce we must 
 be particularly cautious. I am deputed by the 
 princess to inform you, that she would give you her 
 hand in marriage, but she is prohibited from so 
 doing in consequence of the king her father being 
 informed that you possess white blood in your veins 
 instead of red." " Good God !" exclaimed Mr. G., 
 "if that is the case, pray let me be bled imme- 
 diately, that her Royal Highness may be convinced 
 to the contrary." He was bled and recovered his 
 mental faculties. 
 
 395. — The Board of Health. — A countryman 
 walking along the streets of New York, found his 
 progress stopped by a close barricado of wood. 
 a What is this for V 9 said he to a person in the 
 street. " Oh, that's to stop the yellow fever." 
 " Ay, I have often heard of the Board of Health, 
 but I never saw it before." 
 
 396. — To a Toper in Love. 
 
 'Tween women and wine, sir, 
 Man's lot is to smart ; 
 
 For wine makes his head ache, 
 And women his heart. 
 397. — Some gentlemen of a Bible Association 
 calling upon an old woman to see if she had a bible, 
 were severely reproved with a spiritual reply, " Do 
 you think, gentlemen, that I am a heathen, that 
 you should ask me such a question ?" then address- 
 ing a little girl, she said, K run and fetch the bible 
 out of my drawer, that I may show it to the gentle- 
 
268 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 men." The gentlemen declined giving her the 
 trouble, but she insisted on giving them ocular de- 
 monstration. Accordingly the bible was brought, 
 nicely covered ; and on opening it, the old woman 
 exclaimed, a Well, how glad I am you have come ; 
 here are my spectacles, that I have been looking 
 for these three years, and didn't know where 
 to find 'em." 
 
 398. — Two brothers of the name of Lawes cre- 
 ating a disturbance at the Dublin theatre, were 
 called to order by the celebrated Felix M'Carthy, 
 who was in the same box. One of them, present- 
 ing his card, said, u You shall hear from one of us, 
 our name is Lawes" " Lawes is it," quoth Felix, 
 w then I'll give you an addition to your name ;" 
 and exerting his well-known strength, handed them 
 out of the box, exclaiming, " Now, by the powers, 
 you're both Out-laws" 
 
 399. — Counsellor Lamb, an old man when Lord 
 Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of 
 timid manners and nervous disposition, usually pre- 
 faced his pleadings with an apology to that effect ; 
 and on one occasion, when opposed in some cause 
 to Erskine, he happened to remark, that " he felt 
 himself growing more and more timid as he grew 
 older." " No wonder," replied the witty but re- 
 lentless barrister, "every one knows the older a 
 lamb grows, the more sheepish he becomes." 
 
 400. — A person who was remarkable for his an- 
 tipathy to the medical profession, observed that 
 physicians were like hog-butchers. " I am glad," 
 said a gentleman, " that you have so charitable an 
 opinion of them, for hog-butchers always cure as 
 many as they kill." 
 
 401. — Caution to Ladies. — "You are the very 
 person I wanted," said a lady at a ball the other 
 
THE world's jest-book. 269 
 
 day to an officer of the guards ; " you must dance 
 
 with Miss . Come, I'll introduce you to 
 
 her." u Excuse me, I am no dancer." " Oh, but 
 you can't refuse me now. She is a pretty girl, and 
 has thirty thousand pounds." " Why really I am 
 not a marrying man myself — but, if your ladyship 
 pleases, Pll mention her to our Mess /" 
 
 402. — Dr. Paley, when presented to his first pre- 
 ferment in the church, was in very high spirits. 
 Attending at a tavern dinner, just after this event, 
 and finding the draught from a window to annoy 
 him, he jocosely called out, "Waiter, shut down 
 that window at the back of my chair, and open 
 another behind some curate." 
 
 403. — A tradesman in Stafford tendered an ac- 
 count in which was the folio whig curious item ; 
 and considering the job, his charge was certainly 
 very moderate : " To hanging wickets and myself, 
 seven hours, 5s. 6d." 
 
 404. — A culprit brought before a magistrate in 
 Leicestershire, charged with a misdemeanour, was 
 thus addressed by his worship : " I see by the act 
 of Parliament, that the offence you have committed 
 is punished with six months imprisonment, on con- 
 viction before two magistrates. Now you may 
 think yourself a lucky fellow, for if my brother ma 
 gistrate had been here you should have had the 
 whole six months, but as I am alone, I can of o* urse 
 only send you to jail for half the time. Madbc out 
 his mittimus for three months." 
 
 405. — A Common Case. — " Doctor," said per- 
 son once to a surgeon, a my daughter h*s had 
 a terrible fit this morning ; she continued fall half 
 an hour without knowledge or understanding." 
 " Oh," replied the doctor, " never m"\d that, many 
 people continue so all their lives." 
 
270 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 406. — Two friends meeting after an absence of 
 some years, during which time the one had in- 
 creased considerably in bulk, and the other resem- 
 bling the " effigy of a man," says the stout gentle- 
 man, " Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had 
 a dinner since I saw you last." "And you," re- 
 plied the other, "look as if you had been at dinner 
 ever since." 
 
 407.— On Old Age. 
 Age is the heaviest burden man can bear — 
 Compound of disappointment, pain, and care — 
 For when the mind's experience comes at length, 
 It comes to mourn the body's loss of strength. 
 Resign 'd to ignorance all our better days, 
 Knowledge just ripens when man decays — 
 One ray of light the closing eye receives, 
 And wisdom only takes what folly leaves. 
 408. — Some time since, a sailor, on his ship being 
 paid off at Portsmouth, hired a post-chaise to convey 
 him to town, and particularly ordered the postilion 
 to keep a look-out a-head, and to be sure to inform 
 him when they touched on Bag-shot-heath, for (to 
 use his own expression) he had heard that the coast 
 was infested " with pirates." Jack had provided 
 himself with a quantity of pistols and other deadly 
 weapons, and armed " from top to toe," he crept 
 into the vehicle, bidding the driver "shove off." 
 Nothing occurred till they reached the borders of 
 the piratical province, when the postilion turned 
 round and informed " his honour" they were upon 
 the heath. " Then," quoth he, thrusting both his 
 feet through the front glasses of the chaise, " down 
 with the bull-heads, and stand prepared for action !" 
 and in this position, with a pistol in each hand, to 
 give the enemy a broadside in case of his appear- 
 ance, the tar continued to the end of his journey. 
 
the world's jest-book. 271 
 
 409. — An irritable man went to visit aisick friend 
 and asked him concerning his health. The patient 
 was so ill that he could not reply ; whereupon the 
 other in a rage said, " I hope that I may soon fall 
 sick, and then I will not answer you when you visit 
 me," 
 
 410. — When George the Third pensioned Dr. 
 Johnson he also pensioned Shebeare. Some one 
 remarked that the latter did not merit it. " Pooh !" 
 said Foote, "when his majesty pensioned the he-bear 9 
 he could not avoid doing the same by the she-tear 
 also." 
 
 411 — At a meeting of the Commissioners of the 
 Watch, &c, at Bristol, one of the extra watchmen 
 was brought before them, on a charge of having 
 been asleep on duty. One of the commissioners, 
 on being told this was his second offence, exclaimed, 
 * So, sir, I understand you are a lethargic /" The 
 man, after a pause, replied with some warmth, f€ No, 
 sir, I am not, I am a protesiant" 
 
 412. — An Irish pig-merchant, who had more 
 money in his pocket than his ragged appearance de- 
 noted, took an inside place in one of our stage- 
 coaches. A dandy, who was a fellow-passenger, was 
 much annoyed at the presence of pat ; and having 
 missed his pocket handkerchief, taxed him with hav- 
 ing picked his pocket, threatened to have him taken 
 before a magistrate at the next stage. Before ^they 
 arrived there, however, the inquisite found his hand- 
 kerchief, which he had deposited in his hat. He 
 made an awkward kind of apology upon the occasion ; 
 but Pat stopped him short with this remark, " Make 
 yourself aisy, darling, there's no occasion for any 
 bother about the matter. You took me for a thief, 
 and I took you for a gentleman, and we are both 
 mistaken, that's all, heney," 
 
272 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 413. — A speculative gentleman, wishing to teach 
 his horse to do without food, starved him to death. 
 "I had a great loss," said he; "for, just as he 
 learned to live without eating, he died." 
 
 414. — A young lawyer being very assiduous in 
 his attentions to a lady, a wit observed that he never 
 heard of people making love by attorney. " Very 
 true," replied the other, "but you should remember 
 that all Cupid's votaries are solicitors." 
 
 415. — A young man told his friend that he 
 dreamed that he had struck his foot against a sharp 
 nail. "Why, then, do you sleep without your 
 shoes ?" was the reply. 
 
 416. — A gentleman had a cask of Amineau wine, 
 from which his servant stole a large quantity. When 
 the master perceived the deficiency, he diligently 
 inspected the top of the cask, but could find no 
 traces of an opening. " Look if there be not a hole 
 in the bottom," said a by-stander. " Blockhead," 
 he replied, " do you not see that the deficiency is at 
 the top, and not at the bottom ?" 
 
 417. — A robustious countryman meeting a physi- 
 cian, ran to hide behind a wall ; being asked the 
 cause, he replied, " It is so long since I have been 
 sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the 
 face." 
 
 418. — A young man meeting an acquaintance 
 said, " I heard that you were dead." " But," says 
 the other, "you see me alive." "I do not know 
 how that may be," replied he " you are a notorious 
 liar, but my informant was a person of credit." 
 
 419. — A man, hearing that a raven would live 
 two hundred years, bought one to try. 
 
 420 — One of twin-brothers died ; a fellow meet- 
 ing the survivor, askefi, " Which is it, you or your 
 brother that is dead V* 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK, 
 
 273 
 
 421. — The Torlcshireman and his Family, (re- 
 cited by Mr. Mathews, in his Mail Coach Adven- 
 tures.) — A Yorkshireman saluted the guard of the 
 coach with, " I say, Mr. Guard, have you a gentle- 
 man for Lunnun in coach ?" " How should I 
 know," said the guard. " Well," said he, " I am 
 ganging about four miles whoam, and I'll gang 
 inside if you please, and then I can find him out 
 mysen." On being admitted into the coach, when 
 seated, he addressed himself to the person opposite 
 him, and said, " Pray, sir, ayn't you for Lunnun V 9 
 " Yes," said the gentleman. " Pray, sir, ayn't you 
 summut at singing line ?" " What makes you ask V 9 
 said the gentleman. cc I hope no defence, 9 said he ; 
 * why, sir, you mun know, I'm building a mill, and 
 in about three weeks I mean to have a sort of 
 house-warming ; and as we are very musical in our 
 parts — I plays on fiddle at church mysen, and my 
 
274 WIT AND WISDO?J ; OR, 
 
 brother plays on a great long thing like a horse's leg 
 painted, with a piece of brass crook stuck in the 
 end, and puffs away like a pig in a fit ; and, as we 
 have a vast of music-meetings, and those sort of 
 things, I should like to open my mill with a tory 
 rory, and wanted to ax you to come and sing at it." 
 He then related a family anecdote : " You mun 
 know, sir, that my feyther died all on a sudden like, 
 and never gave any body notice he was going to 
 die, and he left his family in complete profusion ; 
 and when I found lie was dead, as I was eldest son, 
 1 thought I had a right to have all the money. I 
 told neighbour so ; but he said, that though I was 
 eldest son, I had no right to all the brass ; but I 
 said, that I was not only the eldest but handsomest 
 into the bargain ; for you never seed five such car- 
 roty-headed, ugly devils among any litter of pigs, as 
 my five brothers and sisters ; and as I found they 
 wanted to diddle me out of my internal estate, I was 
 determined to take the law at top of the regicides." 
 ** And you applied to counsel, no doubt," said the 
 gentleman. " Na, I didn't," said he, " for I don't 
 know him. I went to one Lawyer Lattitat, and paid 
 him six and eightpenee, all in good halfpence, who 
 wrote me down my destructions." The gentleman 
 read his destructions, as he called them, which ran 
 as follows : "You must go to the Temple, and apply 
 to a civilian, and tell him that your father has died 
 intestate, or without a will ; that he has left five 
 children, all infantine, besides yourself; and that 
 you are come to know if you can't be his executor." 
 " Well," said the gentleman, " what did you do 1" 
 * Why, sir," said he, " I went to the Temple, and 
 linocked at the door, and the gentleman cum'd out 
 at door himsen ; and I said, Pray, sir, ar'n't you a 
 silly villain ? and he ax'd me if 1 were cum'd to in» 
 
the world's jest-book. 275 
 
 suit him ; and I said, yes, I partly cum/d on pur- 
 pose. I cum to insult you, to know what I am to 
 do, for my feyther has died detested and against Ms 
 will :-he has left five young infidels besides mysen, 
 and I've cum'd to know if I can't be his executioner.'' 9 
 
 422. — A man whose son was dead, seeing a crowd 
 assembled to witness the funeral, said a I am ashamed 
 to bring my little child into such a numerous assem- 
 bly. 
 
 423. — The son of a fond father, when going to 
 war, promised to bring home the head of one of the 
 enemy. His parent replied, " I should be glad to 
 see you' come home without a head, provided you 
 come safe." 
 
 424. — A man wrote to his friend in Greece, beg- 
 ging him to purchase books. From negligence or 
 avarice, he neglected to execute the commission, 
 but fearing that his correspondent might be offended, 
 he proclaimed when next they met, " My dear friend, 
 I never got the letter you wrote to me about the 
 books." 
 
 425. — A wittol, a barber, and a bald-headed man 
 travelled together. Losing their way, they were 
 forced to sleep in the open air ; and, to avert dan- 
 ger, it was agreed to keep watch by turns. The lot 
 first fell on the barber, who, for amusement, shaved 
 the fool's head while he slept : he then woke him, 
 and the fool, raising his hand to scratch his head, ex- 
 claimed, " Here's a pretty mistake ; rascal ! you 
 have waked the bald-headed man instead of me." 
 
 426. — A citizen seeing some sparrows on a tree, 
 went beneath and shook it, holding out his hat to 
 catch them as they fell. 
 
 427. — A man meeting his friend, said, u I spoke 
 to you last night in a dream." * Pardon me," re- 
 plied the other, " I did not hear you." 
 
276 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 428. — A lady with a well-plumed head dress be- 
 ing in deep conversation with a naval officer, one of 
 the company said, "it was strange to see so fine a 
 woman tar d and feathered." 
 
 429. — A foolish fellow having a house to sell, took 
 a brick from the wall to exhibit as a sample. 
 
 430. — A man that had nearly been drowned while 
 bathing, declared that he would not again go into 
 the water until he had learned to swim. 
 
 (To understand the next, we must premise that a 
 horse with his first teeth was called by the Greeks 
 H a first thrower.") 
 
 431. — A man selling a horse was asked if it was 
 a first thrower. "By Jove," said he, "he's a 
 second thrower, for he threw both me and my fa- 
 ther." 
 
 432. — A fellow had to cross a river, and entered 
 the boat on horseback ; being asked the cause, ho 
 implied, " I must ride, because I am in a hurry." 
 
 433. — A student in want of money sold his books, 
 and wrote home, " Father, rejoice, for I now derive 
 my support from literature." 
 
 434. — A pleasant young fellow, about half-seas 
 over, passing through the Strand at a late hour, was 
 accosted by a watchman, who began with all the in- 
 solence of office to file a string of interrogatories, 
 in the hope of being handsomely paid for his trou- 
 ble. 
 
 " What is your name, sir V 9 " Five Shillings." 
 
 " Where do you live V 9 " Out of the king's do- 
 minions." 
 
 " Where have you been V 9 " Where you would 
 have been with all your heart." 
 
 " Where are you going V 9 " Where you dare not 
 go for your ears." 
 
 The officious guardian of the night thought thesa 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST- BOOK. 277 
 
 answers sufficient to warrant him to take the 
 young man to the watch-house. The next morn- 
 ing, on being brought before the magistrate, he 
 told his worship, " that as to the first question, his 
 name was Thomas Crown ; with regard to the 
 second, he lived in Little Britain ; with respect to 
 the third, he had been drinking a glass of wine with 
 a friend ; and that as to the last," said he, " I was 
 going home to my wife." The magistrate repri- 
 manded the watchman in severe terms, and wished 
 Mr. Crown a good morning. 
 
 435. — During a storm, the passengers on board a 
 vessel that appeared in danger, seized different im- 
 plements to aid them in swimming, and one of the 
 number selected for this purpose the anchor. 
 
 436. — Smuggling Extraordinary. — General An- 
 struther, having made himself unpopular, was obli- 
 ged, on his return to Scotland, to pass in disguise to 
 his own estate ; and crossing a frith, he said to 
 the waterman, " This is a pretty boat, I fancy you 
 sometimes smuggle with it." The fellow replied, 
 "I never smuggled a Brigadier before." 
 
 437. — Amadeus the Ninth, Count of Savoy, being 
 once asked where he kept his hounds, he pointed to 
 a great number of poor people, who were seated at 
 tables eating and drinking, and replied, " Those are 
 my hounds, with whom I go in chase of Heaven." 
 When he was told that his alms would exhaust his 
 revenues, " Take the collar of my order," said he, 
 "sell it, and relieve my people." He was surmamed 
 "the Happy." 
 
 438. — In consequence of some transposition, by 
 which an announcement of the decease of a country 
 clergymen had got inserted amongst the announce- 
 ments of the marriages in a country paper a few days 
 since, the announcement read thus ; — 
 
278 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 " Married, the Rev. — — , curate of , to the 
 
 great regret of all his parishioners, by whom he was 
 universally beloved. The poor will long have cause 
 to lament the unhappy event." 
 
 439. — A Clincher. — An American paper says, this 
 is the method of catching tigers in India : " A man 
 carries a board, on which a human figure is 
 painted ; as soon as he arrives at the den, he knocks 
 behind the board with a hammer ; the noise rouses 
 the tiger, when he flies in a direct line at the board 
 and grasps it, and the man behind clinches his claws 
 in the wood, and secures him. 
 
 440. — Life Insurance. 
 
 In a storm one night, 
 
 When all was fright 
 'Mongst the passengers and crew, 
 
 An Irish clown, 
 
 Like a block sat down, 
 And seemed as senseless too. 
 
 Conduct like this 
 
 Was much amiss, 
 And not to be endur'd ; 
 
 But when asked why, 
 
 He made reply, 
 •* 4 Good folks, my life is insur'd." 
 441. — The Princess Augusta asked Lord Wal* 
 singham for a frank ; he wrote one for her in such 
 detestable characters, that at the end of a week, af- 
 ter having wandered half over England, it was 
 opened and returned to her as illegible. The prin- 
 cess complained to Lord Walsingham, and he then 
 wrote the frank for her so legibly, that at the end of 
 a couple of days it was returned to her, marked 
 " Forgery." 
 
 442. — Judge Jeffries, of notorious memory, point- 
 ing to a man with his cane who was about to be 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 2?§ 
 
 tried, said, " There is a great rogue at the end of my 
 cane." The man to whom he pointed, looking at 
 him, said, " At which end, my Lord ?" 
 
 443. — Yorkshire Fun.— Tfie assize and the thea- 
 tre always open together at York, and it is common 
 to hear the Tykes say, " Eh ! lad, ther'l be fan next 
 week ; t'pla'ctors is cuming, and t'men's to be hung 
 all t'syame time/' 
 
 444. — An Englishman having asked a son of Erin 
 if the roads in Ireland were good, Pat replied, "Yes, 
 they are so fine, that I wonder you do not import 
 some of them into England ; let me see, there's the 
 road to love, strewed with roses ; to matrimony, 
 through nettles ; to honour, through the camp ; to 
 prison, through the law ; and to the undertaker's, 
 through physic." " Have you any road to prefer- 
 ment 2" said the Englishman. " Yes, faith we have, 
 but that is the dirtiest road in the kingdom." 
 
 445. — Slippery Love. — Thevenard was the first 
 singer of his time at Paris in the operas of Lulli. 
 He was more than sixty years old, when, seeing a 
 beautiful female slipper in a shoemaker's shop, he 
 fell violently in love, unsight unseen, with the person 
 for whom it was made ; and having discovered the 
 lady, married her. He died at Paris in 1741, at 
 the age of 72. 
 
 446. — M. Talleyrand was enjoying his rubber 
 when the conversation turned on the recent union 
 of an elderly lady of respectable rank. " However 
 
 could Madame de S make such a match % a lady 
 
 of her birth to marry a velet-de-chambre !" " Ah l" 
 replied Talleyrand, u it was late in the game ; at 
 nine we don't reckon honours." 
 
 447. — Every man is a republic in miniature, and 
 
 though very limited in its parts, yet vary difficult 
 
 govern. Each individual is a little world — tlm 
 
280 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 elements ; and having life like the brutes, and rea- 
 son like the angels, it seems as though all were hap- 
 pily united in him. He can traverse the vast 
 universe, comprehend the present, past, and future ; 
 in him, are the principles of life and darkness ; in 
 him, also, are united the most extraordinary ele- 
 ments, and most imcomparable qualities. 
 
 448. — On Genuine Wit, 
 
 True wit is like the brilliant stone 
 
 Dug from Golconda's mine ; 
 Which boasts two various powers in one, 
 
 To cut as well as shine. 
 
 Genius, like that, if polish' d right, 
 
 With the same gifts abound ; 
 Appears at once both keen and bright. 
 
 And sparkles while it wounds. 
 
 449.— Tlie Ghost of the Oocl-Loft. 
 
 'Twas at the hour when sober cits 
 
 Their eyes in slumber close, 
 In bounced Bet Scullion's greasy ghost, 
 
 And pinch'd Tom Ostler's toes. 
 
 Her flesh was like a roasting pig's, 
 
 So deadly to the view ; 
 And coal black was her smutty hand, 
 
 That held her apron blue. 
 
 Her face was like a raw beef-steak 
 
 Just ready to be fried : 
 Carrots had budded on her cheek, 
 
 And beet-root's crimson pride. 
 
THE world's jest-book. 231 
 
 But love had, like the fly-blow's power, 
 
 Despoiled her buxom hue ; 
 The faded carrot left her cheeks, — 
 
 She died at twenty-two. 
 
 " Awake ! * v she cried : "Bet Scullion bawls, 
 
 Come from her garret high ; 
 Now hear the maid for whom you swore 
 
 A wedding-ring to buy. 
 
 * This is the hour when scullion ghosts 
 
 Their dish-clouts black resume, 
 And goblin cooks ascend the loft, 
 To haunt the faithless groom. 
 
 * Bethink thee of thy tester broke — 
 
 Thy disregarded oath ; 
 And give me back my mutton pies, 
 And give me back my broth. 
 
 * How could you swear my sops were nice, 
 
 And yet those sops forsake { 
 How could you steal my earthen dish, 
 And dare that dish to break % 
 
 " How could you promise love to me, 
 
 And give it all to Nan ? 
 How could you swear my goods were safej 
 
 Yet lose my dripping-pan ? 
 
 " How could you say my pouting lip 
 
 With purl and hollands vies ? 
 And why did I, sad, silly fool, 
 
 Believe your cursed lies ? 
 
 " Those sops, alas ! no more are mine, 
 
 Those lips no longer pout; 
 And dark and cold's the kitchen grate, 
 
 And every spark is out. 
 
2>S2 WIT AND WISDOM j OR, 
 
 " The hungry worm ray master is, 
 
 His cook I now remain ; 
 Cold lasts our night, until that morn 
 
 Shall raise my crust again. 
 
 " The kitchen clock has warned me hence — 
 
 I've other fish to fry ; 
 Low in her grave, thou sneaking cur, 
 
 Behold Bet Bouncer lie." 
 
 .The morning smil'd, the stable boys 
 
 Their greasy night caps doff' d ; 
 Tom Ostler scratched his aching head, 
 And swearing, left his loft. 
 
 He hied him to the kitchen-grate, 
 
 But, ah ! no Bet was there ; 
 He stretched him on the hearth, where erst 
 
 Poor Betty plied her care. 
 
 And there he sobb'd Bet Bouncer's name, 
 
 And blew his nose quite sore : 
 Then laid his cheek on the cold hob 
 
 And horse rubb'd never more. 
 
 450. — A certain witty physician, but whose humour 
 occasionally verged on buffoonery, was to dine one 
 
 day at the table of the Elector of . The prince, 
 
 anxious to divert himself by embarrassing the doc- 
 tor, ordered that no spoon should be given him. 
 Soup was served up, and the Elector invited him to 
 partake of it, which he declined as well as he could ; 
 but the prince, in order to deprive him of all pretext, 
 said, " Eh ! a rogue that won't eat soup !" At this 
 threat, the doctor took up a roll, hollowed it by taking 
 
 1 the crura, fixed it on the end of a fork, and used 
 
the world's jest-book. 283 
 
 it as a spoon. When the soup was despatched, he 
 began to eat the hollow crust, saying, "A rogue that 
 doesn't eat his spoon !" The guests looked at each 
 other, the prince acknowledged himself beaten, and 
 the doctor's imagination diverted every one. 
 451. — The Parson Confuted. 
 You tell us, doctor, 'tis a sin to steal ; 
 We to your practice from your text appeal— 
 You steal a sermon, steal a nap ; and, pray, 
 From dull companions don't you steal away ? 
 452. — King James I. made a progress to Chester 
 in 1617, and was attended by a great number of the 
 Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him. The 
 weather was very warm, the roads dusty, and the 
 king almost suffocated. He did not know how to 
 get civilly rid of them, when one of his attendants, 
 putting his head out of the coach, said, u It is his 
 majesty's wish that those who are the best gentle- 
 men shall ride forwards." Away scampered the 
 Welsh gentry at full gallop : one, however, was 
 left behind. ** And so," said the king to him, ** you 
 are not a gentleman, then ?" " Oh, yes, and please 
 your majesty, hur is as goot a gentleman as the 
 rest ; but hur horse, Cot help hur, is not so goot." 
 453. — Once too much. 
 Young Courtly takes me for a dunce, 
 For all night long I spoke but once ; 
 On better grounds I think him such, — 
 He spoke but once, yet once too much. 
 454. — A Horse and a Mayor. — Dr. Magenis 
 alighting at a public-house in Drogheda, for the 
 purpose of passing a night, ordered his horse to 
 grass, and meeting with a few social companions, 
 exceeded his usual temperance. He discovered 
 next morning that his horse had been impounded 
 for trespassing on a plot of ground belonging to the 
 
284 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 chief magistrate of the town, who insisted on half a 
 guinea for the damage. The doctor paid the money, 
 and wrote the f; Ho wing lines : 
 
 Was e'er a horse so well befitted ! 
 His master drunk — himself committed ! 
 But courage, horse, do not despair ; 
 You'll be a horse when he's no mayor, 
 455. — Epitaph* 
 The following epitaph is on a tombstone in a 
 fihurch-yard in Devonshire ; and the answer was 
 written by a gentleman, on the widower's marrying 
 again in a fortnight : — 
 
 * For me deceased, weep not, my dear ; 
 I am not dead, but sleepeth here : 
 Your time will come ; prepare to die : 
 Wait but a while, you'll follow I." 
 
 Answer. 
 " T am not griev'd, my dearest life ; 
 Sleep on : I've got another wife ; 
 And therefore cannot come to thee, 
 For I must go to bed to she. 
 
 456. — Reading Sermons. 
 6i Behold the picture ! Is it like 1 Like whom ! 
 The things that mount the rostrum with a skip, 
 And then skip down again ; pronounce a text ! 
 Cry — Hem ! and reading what they never wrote, 
 Just fifteen minutes, huddle up their work, 
 And with a well-bred whisper close the scene." 
 
 Cowper. 
 457. — Mr. Wesley, travelling in a stage-coach 
 with a young officer, who swore and damned him- 
 self at every word, asked him if he had read the 
 common prayer book ; for if he had, he might re- 
 member the collect, " O God, who art ever more 
 ready to hear than we to pray, and art wont to give 
 
the world's JEST-BOOK. 2Sd 
 
 more than either we desire or deserve." The 
 young man had sense enough to make the applica- 
 tion, and was decent the rest of the journey. 
 4 08. — Epigram. 
 It is a maxim in the schools, 
 That women always dote on fools : 
 II so, dear Jack, I"m sure your wife 
 Must love you as she does her life. 
 459. — When the late marquis of Lansdown paid 
 a visit to his estates in Ireland, he fell in with a 
 Mr. W , who occupied a large farm of his lord- 
 ship's, and understanding that he was hastening 
 home to the christening of one of his children, his 
 lordship very frankly offered himself to be his 
 guest. The zenileman bowing very respectfully,, 
 replied, ■'•' That he could not possibly accept of the 
 honour intended him ; that his friends, who were 
 assembled on the occasion, were all honest, plain- 
 speaking men, and, as such, could no; be fit corn- 
 party for his lordsra 
 
 4&L—Tht falling Ghost 
 
 Hu^h Gubbins was a country lad 
 
 0: simple rustic mien ; 
 His very look was one of those 
 
 Where-in-no-sen.se is seen ! 
 
 Wise-acres, who meet foolish ills, 
 
 Go on their troubles counting ; 
 But o'er life's road Hugh trudged along, 
 
 N« thought each ill-a-mouniing. 
 
 Dinah Dabbs was fat and fair, 
 And at the Plough lived cook : 
 
 And, reader, Hugh went there one day, 
 'lis true — and Hugh 
 
?86 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 None saw such sports — none saw such sights, 
 
 As this thrice-happy pair ; 
 For each night she saw him OrWa7ce 9 
 
 And he saw her a-fair / 
 
 But grief soon set his mark on her,. 
 
 And dimm'd her laughing eyes ; 
 Her heart was heavy, all could tell, 
 
 Who did observe its size. 
 
 Reader, one night to a field, 
 
 Hugh led the maid away ; 
 Which meeting she for aye did moan, 
 
 Among the new mown hay. 
 
 Hugh stole her virtue, reader, but 
 
 Hugh heav'd no heartfelt sigh ; 
 The maid oft swore — " I'll die for you" 
 
 But never — Hugh for Di ! 
 
 She clung to Hugh, but, with an oath, 
 
 Hugh off the maiden shook ; 
 And as she could not broolc a d n 9 
 
 She went and damm'd a brook. 
 
 Hugh saw her jump from off the bank, 
 
 And tho' Hugh first felt vex'd, 
 Hugh first pluck' d up a spirit, and 
 
 Pluck? d up the body next ! 
 
 He buried her beside the beach, 
 
 And thought no eye could trace 
 A tomb hid near there, because 
 
 It was a tumid place. 
 
 " This grave will hide her crime and mine, 
 
 Quoth he, and gave a grin ; 
 
 a I need not care to be found out % 
 
 * So here she's not found inl n 
 
the world's jest-book. 287 
 
 A few days pass'd, and conscious guilt 
 
 Had paled his ruddy cheek ; 
 But though a week he'd been infirm, 
 
 He got firm in a week. 
 
 Another cook he went to see, 
 
 And pay her his devours ; 
 And she believed him when he swore 
 
 He loved by all the powers. 
 
 One Sunday he was ask'd to go 
 
 To take with her a snack ; 
 But little thought his belly, then, 
 
 Would never be his back ! 
 
 The cloth was laid, — the guests were met,—* 
 
 The grub the cook did serve : 
 A pie was placed before Sir Hugh, 
 
 Which he was ask'd to carve. 
 
 a What is inside I'll quickly see, 5 * 
 
 And in his knife he thrust ; 
 But, ah ! a ghastly head and face 
 
 From out the top there burst ! . 
 
 The guests all started in a fright, 
 
 And each one turned a whiner. 
 " What do you here," quoth Hugh, "just now V* 
 
 " Because I am your Diner, 
 
 Here I'm served up — I'll serve you out — 
 
 You must accept my terms ; 
 You thought I was a dish of grub •, 
 
 But I'm a dish of worms f" 
 
 Hugh op'd his mouth by unknown force, 
 
 And she, in pieces, leapt : 
 And bit by bit, the crawling flesh 
 
 Down his wide gullet crept. 
 
288 WIT and wisdom; or, 
 
 The guests came in when daylight dawn'd, 
 
 And fear was somewhat o'er ; 
 But Hugh nor her were not there then, 
 
 Nor e'er were heard of more. 
 
 461. — In the early part of the reign of King 
 George IT., the footman of a lady of quality, under 
 the absurd infatuation of a dream, disposed of the 
 savings of the last twenty years of his life, in two 
 tickets, which proving blanks, after a few melan- 
 choly days, he put an end to his life. In his box was 
 found a plan of the manner in which he had propo- 
 sed to spend the five thousand pound prizes, which 
 his mistress preserved as a curiosity : 
 
 "As soon as I have received the money, I'll 
 marry Grace Towers, but as she has been cross and 
 coy, I'll use her as a servant. Every morning she 
 shall get me a mug of strong beer, with a toast, 
 nutmeg and sugar in it : then I will sleep till ten ; 
 after which I will have a large sack posset. My 
 dinner shall be on the table by one, and never 
 without a good pudding ; I'll have a stock of brandy 
 and wine laid in : about five in the afternoon I'll 
 have tarts and jellies, and a gallon bowl of punch ; 
 at ten a hot supper of two dishes ; if I'm in a good 
 humour, and Grace behaves herself, she shall sit 
 down with me ; — to bed about twelve." 
 
 462. — Against slander there is no defence. Hell 
 cannot boast so foul a fiend, nor man deplore so fell 
 a foe. It stabs with a word, with a nod, with a 
 shrug, with a look, with a smile. It is the pesti- 
 lence walking in darkness, spreading contagion far 
 and wide, which the most wary traveller cannot 
 avoid, It is the heart-searching dagger of the as- 
 sassin. It is the poisoned arrow whose wound is 
 incurable. It is as mortal as the sting of the deadly 
 
the world's jest-book. 289 
 
 adder. Murder is its employment, innocence its 
 prey, and ruin its sport. 
 
 463. — Electioneering Epigram. 
 Cries Dick to Ned, " Who treats to-night ?" 
 " Why, don't you know ?— Sir Thomas White !"— 
 Up starts an Alderman with spleen, 
 " I wish to know, sir, what you mean V 
 Says Ned, (his anger to appease) 
 " I meant Sir Thomas White's Trustees. 
 
 464. — Advantage of Politeness. — An Irish officer 
 happened to bow at the moment a cannon ball 
 passed over his head, and took off the head of a sol- 
 dier who stood behind him : "You see," said he, 
 that a man never loses by politeness." 
 
 465. — A Poser. — A pedantic country school- 
 master asked a sailor what was the third and half- 
 third of ten-pence. The sailor, who was illiterate, 
 but unwilling to confess his ignorance, evaded giv- 
 ing an answer, by saying, that he did not choose to 
 give that knowledge for nothing, which had cost 
 him much trouble and expense to acquire ; adding, 
 that he could propose a much harder question than 
 that. The pedagogue, piqued at this, exclaimed, 
 "What is that?" "Why," said the tar, "if a 
 pound of cheese costs fourpence, what will a cart 
 load of turnips amount to V 
 
 466. — How to Ship a Pig. — Manoeuvre with the 
 animal till you have got his snout in the proper di- 
 rection facing the plank which communicates with 
 the vessel, then take hold of his tail and pull it hard, 
 as though you wished him to come from the place, 
 when, from a spirit of opposition natural in pigs, he 
 goes up the plank without further trouble. 
 
 467.— Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, 
 called one day upon a bo< killer in Paternoster- 
 l 
 
290 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Row, the publisher of his works, by way of inquiring 
 into the literary and other news of the day. After 
 some chat, the doctor was asked to take a glass of 
 wine with the seller of his wit and poetry. Our 
 author consented to accept of a little negus, as an 
 innocent morning beverage ; when instantly was 
 presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face 
 of a man carved on it. " Eh ! eh !" says the doc- 
 tor, " what have we here ?" " A man's skull," 
 replied the bookseller, " a poet's for what I know." 
 " Nothing more likely," rejoined the facetious doc- 
 tor, "for it is universally known that all you book- 
 sellers drink your wine from our skulls." 
 
 468. — "Madam," said a keeper at the gate of 
 Kensington Gardens, " I cannot permit you to take 
 your dog into the garden." " Don't you see, my 
 good friend," said the lady, putting a couple of 
 shillings into the keeper's hand, " that it is a cat, 
 and not a dog 1" " Madam," said the keeper, in- 
 stantly softening the tone of his voice, " I beg your 
 pardon for my mistake ; I now see clearly, by the 
 aid of the pair of spectacles you have been so good 
 as to give me, that it is a cat and not a dog." 
 
 469. — Dr. Johnson insisted upon the necessity of 
 the subordination of rank in society. " Sir," said 
 he to Mr. Boswell, " there is one Mrs. Macauly in 
 this town, a great republican. One day when I was 
 at her house, I put on a very grave countenance, 
 and said, l Madam, I am become a convert to your 
 system. To give you a decisive proof I am hi ear- 
 nest, here is a very sensible well-behaved fellow- 
 citizen, your footman, I desire that he may be 
 allowed to sit down and dine with us.' . She has 
 never liked me since this proposal. Your levellers 
 wish to level down as far as themselves, but they 
 -cannot bear levelling up to themselves." 
 
the world's jest-book. 291 
 
 4T0. — The Duke of Bridgewater was a very shy- 
 man, and much disliked general society ; and was 
 either denied to morning visitors, or contrived 
 to slip out of the way when any one called on him. 
 The clergyman of the parish, Mr. Kenyon, who had 
 some particular business with him respecting the 
 tithes of the parish, had often tried to gain admit- 
 tance to him, but in vain, being always told that his 
 grace was very busy, or was not at home. Deter- 
 mined, however, to have an interview with him, 
 Mr. K. called at a very early hour in the morning, 
 thinking he should be certain, by this plan, of find- 
 ing the duke at home. But still he was disappointed, 
 the servant giving the customary answer, that his 
 grace was gone out. Mr. Kenyon, fully assured 
 that this was not the case, and steady to his point, 
 loitered about the hou (, that he might catch its 
 noble owner when he quitted it. In a short time 
 he perceived his grace slip out of a back door. Mr. 
 Kenyon did not show himself, lest the duke, seeing 
 him, might slip in again, but kept his eye upon him. 
 till he saw him cross a field, and take the way tc 
 his navigation. He then walked hastily after the 
 object of his pursuit, but not being able to conceal 
 himself, was soon discovered by the duke. His 
 grace, perceiving that he must be overtaken, in- 
 stantly took to his heels : Mr. Kenyon did the same. 
 They both ran stoutly for some time, till the duke, 
 seeing he had the worst of the course, turned aside, 
 and jumped into a saw-pit. He was followed in a 
 trice into his place of refuge, by his pursuer, who 
 immediately exclaimed, " Now, my lord duke, I have 
 you." His grace burst into a fit of laughter, and 
 the business of the tithe was quickly and amicably 
 settled. 
 
 471. — A sailor, who had been many years absent 
 
2$2 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 from his mother, who lived in an inland county, 
 returned to his native village after a variety of voy- 
 ages to different parts of the globe, and was hear- 
 tily welcomed by the good old woman, who had long 
 considered him as lost. Soon after his arrival, the 
 old lady began to be inquisitive, and desirous to 
 learn what strange things her son John had seen 
 upon the mighty deep. Amongst a variety of things 
 that Jack recollected, he mentioned his having fre- 
 quently seen flying fish. " Stop, Johnny, don't try 
 to impose such monstrous impossibilities on me, 
 child," said his mother ; ."for, in good troth, I 
 could as soon believe you had seen flying cows ; for 
 cows, you know, John, can live out of the water. 
 Therefore, tell me honestly what you have seen in 
 reality, but no more falsehoods, Johnny." Jack 
 felt himself affronted, and turning his quid about, 
 when pressed for more information, he said, pre- 
 facing it with an oath, " Mayhap, mother, you won't 
 believe me, when I tell you, that casting anchor 
 once in the Red Sea, it was with difficulty that we 
 hove it up again ; which was occasioned, do you 
 see, mother, by a large wheel hanging on one of the 
 flukes of the anchor. It appeared a strange old 
 Grecian to look at. so we hoisted it in ; and our 
 captain, do ye mind me, being a scholar, overhauled 
 him, and discovered it was one of Pharaoh's chariot 
 wheels, when he was capsized in the Red Sea." 
 This suited the meridian of the old lady's under- 
 standing. "Ay, ay, Johnny," cried she, "I can 
 believe this, for we read of this in the Bible ; but 
 never talk to me again of flying fish." 
 
 472. — John Home Tooke's opinion upon the sub- 
 ject of law was admirable. "Law," he said, 
 " ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a re- 
 ined, to be easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained 
 
the world's jest-book. 293 
 
 by the poor." A person observed to him, how ex- 
 cellent are the English laws, because they are 
 impartial, and our courts of justice are open to all 
 persons without distinction. " And so," said Tooke, 
 "is the London Tavern, to such as can afford to pay 
 for their entertainment." 
 
 473. — When a late Duchess of Bedford was last 
 at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was 
 the medical farce of the day for the faculty to 
 resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into 
 * a shock of the nervous system." Her grace, after 
 inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what 
 brought them there, and being generally answered 
 for a nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, 
 what brought her to Buxton ; "I came only for 
 pleasure," answered the healthy duchess ; " for, 
 thank God, I was born before nerves came into fa- 
 shion." 
 
 474. — Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the 
 common size, was one day accosted in a public 
 coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, . 
 with, " May I pass to my seat, Giant ?" When 
 the doctor politely making way, replied, " Pass, O 
 Pigmy !" " Oh ! sir," said the baronet, " my ex- 
 pression alluded to the size of your intellect." 
 B And my expression, sir," said the doctor, " to the 
 size of yours. 93 
 
 475. — None fight with true spirit who are over- 
 loaded -with cash. A man who had been fortunate 
 at cards, was asked to act as second in a duel, at a 
 time when the seconds engaged as heartily as the 
 principals. " I am not," said he, u the man for 
 your purpose just at present : but go and apply to 
 him from whom I won a thousand guineas last 
 night, and I warrant you that he will fight like any 
 deviL" 
 
294 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 1 476. — A master of arts being reduced to extreme 
 poverty, begged some relief of a locksmith, who 
 was at work in his shop. The smith asked him 
 why he had not learned some art to get his bread 
 by, rather than thus to go about begging. "Alas !" 
 replied the scholar, "I am a master of seven." 
 " Of seven !" replied the locksmith, " they must be 
 sorry ones indeed, then, since they are not able to 
 keep you ; for my part, I have only one, as you see, 
 which maintains seven of us ; myself, my wife, and 
 five children." 
 
 477. — An Italian bishop had struggled through 
 great difficulties without repining. An acquaint- 
 ance of his asked him one day if he could commu- 
 nicate to him the secret he had made use of to be 
 always easy. "Yes," replied the prelate, "very 
 easily. It consists of nothing more than making a 
 right use of my eyes, in whatever state I am. I 
 first look up to heaven, and remember that my 
 principal business here is to get thither ; I then 
 look down upon the earth, and call to mind how 
 small a space I shall occupy in it when I come to 
 be interred. Then I look abroad into the world, 
 and observe what multitudes there are who, in all 
 respects, are more unhappy than myself. Thus I 
 learn where true happiness is placed ; where all my 
 cares must end ; and how little reason I have to 
 repine or complain." 
 
 478. — Swift having paid a visit to Sir Arthur 
 Acheson's country seat, and being, on the morning 
 of his return to his deanery, detained a few mi- 
 nutes longer than he expected at his breakfast, 
 found, when he came to the door, his own man on 
 horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur's holding 
 the horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, 
 turned the head of his horse towards his man, and 
 
the world's jest-book. 295 
 
 asked him in a low voice, if he did not think he 
 should give something to the servant who held his 
 horse, and if he thought five shillings would be too 
 much. " No, sir, it will not, if you mean to do the 
 thing handsomely," was the reply. The dean made 
 no remark upon this, but when he paid his man's 
 weekly account, wrote under it, " Deducted from 
 this, for money paid to Sir Arthur's servant for do- 
 ing your business, five shillings." 
 
 479. — The Antiquary. 
 
 If, in this study, he hath so much care 
 
 To hang all other strange things, let his wife beware. 
 
 480.; — The Eton Montem. — The origin of this tri- 
 ennial ceremony of the Eton scholars parading to 
 Salt-hill is derived from monkish superstition ; friars, 
 hi days of yore, having on certain occasions sold con- 
 secrated salts to passengers as an antidote against 
 the plague. Two Eton boys, in fancy silk dresses 
 and ostrich feathers, calling themselves salt-bearers, - 
 stand on the bridge and exact money from all pas- 
 sengers ; the king and royal family contribute — the 
 king generally gives 100 guineas. The collection has 
 exceeded 1000 guineas. The boys appoint a cap- 
 tain and two salt-bearers. The sum collected, after 
 defraying the expenses of a dinner at Salt-hill, is 
 given to the flag-bearer, who leaves school for college. 
 
 4Sl.—Toast.—A Sot. 
 
 A toast is like a sot ; or, what is most 
 Comparative, a sot is like a toast ; 
 For when their substances in liquor sink, 
 Both, properly, are said to be in drink. 
 
 482. — Mayor of Oarratt. — About the year 1750, 
 several persons who lived near that part of Wands- 
 
296 WIT AND WISDOM ) OR, 
 
 worth which adjoins Garratt-lane, formed a kind of 
 club, not merely to eat and drink, but to concert 
 measures for removing the encroachments made on 
 that common, and to prevent others from being 
 made in future. As the members were most of 
 them persons in humble circumstances, they agreed 
 to contribute some small matter at every meeting, in 
 order to make up a purse for the defence of their 
 collective rights ; when a sufficient sum was sub- 
 scribed, they applied to an attorney in that neigh- 
 bourhood, who brought an action against the 
 encroachers in the name of the president (or, as 
 they call him, the mayor) of the club, they gained 
 their suit with costs, the encroachments were de- 
 stroyed, and ever after the president, who lived 
 many years, was called ike Mayor of Garratt. 
 
 This event happened at the time of a general elec- 
 tion, the ceremony, upon every new parliament, of 
 choosing out door members for the borough of 
 Garratt has been constantly kept up, and is still con- 
 tinued, to the great emolument of all the publicans 
 at Wandsworth, who annually subscribe to all inci- 
 dental expenses attending on this mock election. 
 
 483. — Just in Time, 
 
 A doctor called in Bedford-row, 
 (It matters not how long ago,) 
 To see a patient. When he knoek'd, 
 Now only think how he was shock'd, 
 When instantly the footman said — 
 " Dear doctor our poor lady's dead." 
 " Dead ? surely not ; it may by chance 
 Be nothing but a sleeping trance ; 
 I'll just walk up and see for certain." 
 He did so, and undrew the curtain ; 
 
the world's jest-book. 297 
 
 Where laid the lady pale and calm, 
 The usual guinea in her palm. 
 * I see," he cried, and took the fee, 
 " The poor dear soul expected me." 
 
 484. — The Wisdom of a Fool. — Bishop Hall re- 
 lates that there was a certain nobleman of his day 
 who kept a fool, to whom he one day gave a staff, (a 
 thing commonly used in walking at that time by all 
 pedestrians, whether rich or poor,) with a charge to 
 keep it till he should meet with one who was a 
 greater fool than himself. Not many years after 
 the nobleman fell sick even unto death. The' fool 
 came to see him ; his sick lord said to him, " I must 
 shortly leave you." " And whither are you going ?" 
 asked the fool. "Into another world," replied his 
 lordship. " And when will vou come back again ? 
 Within a month V " No." "Within a vear ?" "No." 
 " When then P 1 " Never." " Never V' echoed the 
 fool, " and what provision hast thou made for thy 
 entertainment there whither thou goest ?" " None 
 at all." w No," exclaimed the fool, " none at all ! 
 Here, then, take my staff ; for, with all my folly, I 
 am not guilty of any such folly as this." 
 
 485.— Tom and Dick. 
 
 u See how this pot runs, look ye, Dick, 
 A jade to serve us such a trick ; 
 Hang it, I'll blow her up sky high." 
 " Why, Tom, the pot don't run, you lie." 
 " I say it does ; why, look here, 
 The table's puddled all with beer." 
 Says Dick, " confound your hasty tongue, 
 I'll make you own you are in the wrong ; 
 For can't you see, you squabbling sot, 
 The beer rum out, and not the pot /" 
 
298 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 486. — The Discovery. — A gentleman praising the 
 personal charms of a very plain woman before Foote, 
 the latter whispered him, " And why don't you lay 
 claim to such accomplished beauty ?" " What right 
 have I to her 2" said the other. " Every right, by 
 the law of nations, as the first discoverer /" 
 
 487. — A Fellow Feeling. 
 
 In prime of life Tom lost his wife ; 
 
 Says Dick, to soothe his pain — 
 " Thy wife, I trow, is long ere now 
 
 In Abraham's bosom lain." 
 " Her fate forlorn with grief I mourn !" 
 
 The shrewd dissembler cries ; 
 u For much I fear, by this sad tear, 
 
 She'll scratch out Abraham's eyes." 
 
 488. — Novelty. — At a vestry meeting for the pa- 
 rish of Houghton, Dover, Mrs. Elizabeth Best, the 
 repudiated wife of James Best, Esq,, of Chatham, 
 was nominated to serve the office of overseer ! 
 
 489. — Theophilus Cibber, who was very extrava- 
 gant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. 
 " Zounds, sir," said Colly, " can't you live upon your 
 salary ? When I was your age I never spent a far- 
 thing of my father's money." " But you have spent 
 a great deal of my father's," replied Theophilus* 
 This retort had the desired effect. 
 
 490. — Pecuniary Foresight. 
 
 If I have bought a horse by chance, 
 A picture, or a cloak from France — 
 Straight Gripus, wealthier than a Jew, 
 My intimate and kinsman too, 
 Beginning for his purse to fear, 
 Thus mutters, just to reach my ear — 
 
the world's jest-book. 29& 
 
 * I've three-and-twenty pounds to pay 
 For candles, coals, an*! beer, to-day ; 
 My old coach vampt, and harness piere d, 
 Will cost- me twenty more at least 
 Besides, I owe an hundred still 
 For my late uncle's funeral bill : 
 And, damme, if 1 have got a sous 
 In bank just now, c>r at my house !" 
 Oh ! what a man of deep design 
 Is this same intimate of mine ! 
 Good Jew, 'tis hard enough, God knows, 
 To shrink when I the loan propose ; 
 But, ah ! 'tis barbarous ten times more, 
 To shrink and put me off before. 
 
 491. — Extraordinary Memory. Mr. Thomas 
 
 Fuller, B. D., was famed in the time of the grand 
 rebellion to have a very strong memory, insomuch 
 that he could name in order all the signs on both 
 sides of the way, from the beginning of Paternoster- 
 row, Ave-Maria-lane, to the bottom of Cheapside, 
 and the Poultry, to Stock's market ; and that he 
 could dictate to five several writers at the same 
 time on as many different subjects. 
 
 This gentleman making a visit to a committee of 
 sequestrators sitting in Essex, they soon fell into 
 discourse and commendation of his great memory ; 
 to which Mr. Fuller replied, " Tis true, gentlemen, 
 that Fame has given me the report of a memorist ; 
 and if you please I will give you an -experiment of it." 
 They all accepted the motion, and said they should 
 look on it as a great obligation ; and, laying aside 
 the business before them, in expectation of the in- 
 stance, prayed him to begin. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, " I will give you an in- 
 stance of mv good memory in this particular. Your 
 
300 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 worships have thought fit to sequester an honest, Bit* 
 poor parson, my neighbour, from his living, anif 
 have committed him to prison. He has a grea* 
 charge of children, and his circumstances are bu« 
 indifferent. If you please to release him out of pri- 
 son, and restore him to his living, I will never for- 
 get the kindness while I live." 
 
 The well-timed jest had such an influence upon 
 the committee, that they gave immediate orders for 
 the release and restoration of the poor clergyman. 
 
 492. — Proverbial Crosses. 
 
 Prov. — "The more the merrier." Cross. — Not 
 so ; one hand is enough in a purse. 
 
 Prov. — " He that runs fastest gains most ground." 
 Cross. — Not so ; for then the footmen would pos- 
 sess more land than their masters. 
 
 Prov. — " He runs far that never turns." Cross. — 
 Not so ; he may break his neck in a short course. 
 
 Prov. — "No man can call again yesterday." 
 Cross. — Yes, he may call till his heart aches though 
 it never comes. 
 
 Prov. — a He that goes softly goes safely." Crvss. 
 — Not so among thieves. 
 
 Prov. — " Nothing hurts the stomach more than 
 surfeiting." Cross — Yes, lack of meat. 
 
 Prov. — " Nothing is difficult to the willing mind." 
 Cross. — Yes, to get money. 
 
 Prov. — " None are so blind as those who will not 
 see." Cross. — Yes, those who cannot see. 
 
 Prov. — " Nothing but is good for something." 
 Cross. — Not so ; nothing cannot be good for any- 
 thing. 
 
 Prov. — "Money is the source of all comfort." 
 Cross. — Not when making it brings an industrious 
 man to the gallows. 
 
•he world's JEST-BOOK. 30l 
 
 I Pnv. — " The pride of the rich makes the lahour 
 ! of the poor." Cross.— No, the labour of the poor 
 I 'promotes the pride of the rich. 
 
 p roVt — « The world is a long journey." Cross.— 
 Not so ; for the sun performs it every day. 
 
 Prov. — "Every thing hath an- end.'" Cress. — 
 Not so ; for a ring is round. 
 
 Prov. — "Virtue is a jewel of great price." Cross. 
 —That must be disputed ; for, if so, the poor could 
 not possess it 
 
 p rov — « it is a great way to the bottom of the 
 sea." Cross. — How can that be, since it is merely 
 a stone's throw ? 
 
 p rov —« A friend is best known in adversity." 
 Cross. — Not so ; for then no one is to be found. 
 493. — Old, but not Old Enough. 
 I laugh at Poll's perpetual pother, 
 
 To make me her's for life ; 
 She's old enough to be my mother — 
 But not to be my wife. 
 494. — Zove at First sight. — At the English Opera 
 House, some time since, a gentleman fell suddenly 
 I in love with a young lady, who sat with her mo- 
 j;her and sister a few seats from him ; tearing a 
 blank leaf out of his pocket-book, he wrote with a 
 pencil, "May I inquire if your affections are en- 
 paced ?" and handed it to her, which she showed to 
 per mother. Shortly afterwards she wrote under- 
 leath his question, " I believe I may venture to say 
 ;hey are not ; but why do you ask ?" and returned 
 inn the paper. The gentleman wrote on another 
 eaf, " I love you dearly — I am single — I have £1000 
 l year — I am not in debt — I have a good house, and 
 Mily want a good wife to make me completely 
 y*P? v — w ^ y° n ^ e mme • I* Y0U wu ^> * promise 
 
WIT aJTB wisdom , 01, 
 
 (and wiili every intention of keeping my were!) to 
 be an affi^iiaiBlPj indulgent, and fwiilifwi husband 
 
 to yon, and what more can I say f The young 
 lady was so much pleased with the declaration thai 
 they immediately became acquainted, and in the 
 
 : __ :i- .:' : _r z_ i:_- : r; ■ iz 15 _r .ri !l-t. ~ :h 
 the consent of her parents, to the hymeneal altar. 
 
 495. — Gmcrmttg mad Prudence. 
 Frank, who will any friend sc 
 Lent me ten ggr -ill, 
 
 •Give me a pea Ir, 
 
 Yon take my note :" — qnoth he, a Hold there, 
 Jack ! to the cash I've bid adieu, 
 No need to waste my paper too, 79 
 
 itt.—Fightmg wke* DmnL 
 
 Who in his enpe will only fight — is Kke 
 
 The clock that must be aaTO well ere it gtribe. 
 
 - -' — H ns Betrayed. — Angustos Caesar en- 
 
 trusted his friend, Fuivins, with a secret of some 
 ■11 ill Hetcl. she related it to Livia. 
 
 and from her it came again to her hnsband, the em- 
 peror. The next WHtiH g g Fttbins, as laul at- 
 tended to sahite the emperor, using die i ■imiiami j 
 term of ■ Hail Caesar P "Farewell, Fulvn- 
 fcrard the emperor, whieh is wkat is said to :: e 
 ing. Fnl~ me, and eaUmg his 
 
 ws I revealed ms secret to 
 3nd has sentenced me to die. 79 ■ And yon de- 
 tain to have known a 
 -rcret ; bnt, however. I 
 will _ Having said this, she sfcahbrd 
 
 ace to a woman in 
 death than in keeping a secret 
 
the world"s jest-book. 303 
 
 498.— 2fe Kiss Repaid. 
 
 Chloe, by thy borrowed kiss, 
 
 I, alas ! am quite undone ; 
 Twas so sweet, so fraught with bliss, 
 
 Thousands will not pay that one. 
 
 Lest the debt should break your heart, 
 Roguish Chloe smiling cries — 
 
 Come, a hundred then, in pan. 
 For the present shall suffice. 
 
 499.— The Earl of St. Albans, Secretary to 
 Queen Henrietta Maria in all her misfortunes, found 
 himself at the restoration but in an indifferent con- 
 dition. Being one dav with Charles the Second, 
 when all distinctions were laid aside, a stranger came 
 with an importunate suit for an employment of great 
 value, which was just vacant. The king ordered 
 him to be admitted, and bid the earl personate him 
 self. The gentleman addressed him accordingly 
 enumerated his services to the royal family, and 
 hoped the grant of the place would not be deemed 
 too great a reward. " By no means," replied the 
 earl. *• and I am only sorry that, as soon as 1 heard 
 of the vacancy, I conferred it on my friend there, 
 the earl of St. Albans, (pointing to the king.') who 
 has constantly followed the fortunes both of my fa- 
 ther and myself, and has hitherto gone un gratified ; 
 but when anything of this kind happens again, wor- 
 thy your acceptance, pray let me see you.'' The 
 gentleman withdrew. The king smiled at the jest, 
 and confirmed the grant to the earl. 
 
 500.— An Epitaph. 
 God works wwe ers now tea \ then : 
 
 Here lies I ,/um. 
 
304 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 This is a mere law quibble, not a wonder : 
 Here lies a lawyer, and — his client under. 
 
 501. — A Bad Mechanist. — Hopkins, the Drury- 
 lane prompter, once recommended to David Gar- 
 rick a man whom he wished to be engaged as 
 Mechanist, to prepare the scenery for a new panto- 
 mime. To his application, Garrick returned the 
 following answer : — 
 
 " I tell you what, Hopkins, the man will never 
 answer the purpose of the theatre. In the first 
 place, he cannot make a moon. I would not give 
 him three-pence for a dozen such moons as Ke 
 showed me to-day ; and his suns are, if possible, 
 worse; besides, I gave him directions about the 
 clouds, and he made such as were never seen since 
 the flood. Desire the carpenter to knock the rain- 
 how to pieces, 'tis execrable ; his stars were the only 
 things tolerable. I make no doubt of his honesty j 
 but until he can make a good sun, moon, and rain- 
 how, I must dispense with his services. 
 
 «D. Garrick." 
 
 502.— The Merry Fellow. 
 " I laugh," a would-be sapient cried, 
 
 " At every one who laughs at me." 
 " Good Lord !" a sneering friend replied, 
 
 " How very merry you must be." 
 
 503. — Written mi a Looking-Glass. 
 I change, and so do women too ; 
 But I reflect — that women never do. 
 
 Answer by a Lady. 
 If reflected, oh ! scribbler, declare, 
 A faithless man would be bless'd by the fair 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 305 
 
 504. — The Inkeeper's Stratagem ; or, 
 the Parson Hoaxed, 
 
 Some priests are like a finger-post, 
 On a cross-road, I've heard say ; 
 
 They do not go to heaven themselves, 
 But merely point the way. 
 
 Whether with justice, I know not, 
 
 But this I know at least, 
 That in most tales of carnal sin, 
 
 The hero is a priest. 
 
 In a country town, not far from where 
 
 The Ouse's torrent rolls, 
 A parson dwelt, and in his see 
 
 Could boast of manv §ouk. 
 
WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 And near to where the church did stand, 
 
 There stood an inn as well ; 
 But opposite they stood, forsooth — 
 
 The inn was called the " Bell." 
 
 The landlord had most visitors, 
 On every day, save one day ; 
 
 But what did grieve him now full sore, 
 Was seeing few on Sunday. 
 
 The parson, every Sabbath morn, 
 
 An anath'ma forth did yell 
 Against his rival, for, said he, 
 
 * The devil's in the < Bell.' 
 
 And if you ever catch me there — 
 
 The door-sill once beyond — 
 I'll give you leave to drag me out, 
 
 And after through the pond. 9 ' 
 
 The innkeeper did hear of this, 
 
 And vow'd, by stratagem, 
 Before another week had pass'd, 
 
 To turn the scales on him. 
 
 The landlord had a pretty wife, 
 Whom parson Brown had seen ; 
 
 And who, because she wouldn't yield 
 To him, had wrought his spleen. 
 
 By mutual wish they therefore plann'd 
 
 A letter should be sent, 
 T' invite the parson to her house, 
 
 And there to gain his end. 
 
 The letter said, — " Pray come at nine, 
 Precise, next Sunday morn ; 
 
 There is no danger, dearest, for 
 My spouse from home is gone." 
 
the world's jest-book. 307 
 
 On Sunday morn the parson rose 
 
 Right joyously at seven, 
 And hoped to spend two hours with her, 
 
 And sneak out at eleven. 
 
 The landlord, therefore, went from home, 
 
 To get him in his power ; 
 But charged his wife to move the clock 
 
 Backward at least one hour. 
 
 The priest came in at nine exact, 
 
 At least, as he believed ! 
 But stared to see it only eight, 
 
 But was more joyed than grieved. 
 
 Half-past eleven went the clock, 
 
 The congregation come, 
 " Where is the parson V each one cries, 
 
 With wonderment quite dumb. 
 
 Up mounts the landlord in his place, 
 
 u The reason I will tell : 
 Come hence with me — I'll point him out — 
 
 The deviVs in the ' BelU " 
 
 All then sought the ' Bell ' with him, 
 
 And sure enough each sees, 
 A-raaking love to the host's wife, 
 
 The parson, on his knees ! 
 
 Then all of them caught hold of bim, 
 
 According to his bond ; 
 And, with a rope tied round his waist, 
 
 They dragged him through the pond. 
 
 The landlord, by this scheme, 'tis suid, 
 
 Ere many weeks had roll'd, 
 Had changed their minds so, that his trade 
 
 Increased a hundred fold ! 
 
308 WIT AND WISDOM J OB, 
 
 505. — Mistake of a Gender and Case. — A gen- 
 tleman, who was extremely partial to the innocent 
 simplicity of country servants, had been expecting 
 a box from town, from a lady of his acquaintance. 
 One morning as he was sitting at breakfast, his ser- 
 vant came in and said, " She were com." " She,' 9 
 said the gentleman, ft that is extraordinary. Show 
 her in immediately." " That winna do," said the 
 servant ; "I canna get her in at the gate, she be too 
 large." " Impossible i" replied the master ; tt what 
 do you mean by too large ?" * Why," rejoined the 
 servant, " she be drawn by six horses ; she be what 
 they calls the Lunnum waggon." u You blockhead," 
 exclaimed the master, " how could you think of call- 
 ing her she ?" 6i Why, I begs pardon," answered 
 the servant, "I meant no offence — how should I 
 know she were a mon f" 
 
 506. — Advice to a Berkshire Publican. 
 
 Friend Isaac, 'tis strange you that live so near Bray, 
 Should not set up the sign of the vicar ; 
 
 Though it may be an odd one, you cannot but say 
 It must be the sign of good liquor. 
 
 Isaac's Answer. 
 
 Indeed, master poet, your reason's but poor, 
 
 For the vicar would think it a sin 
 To stay, like a booby, and launch at the door — 
 
 'Twere a sign of bad liquor within. 
 
 507.— At the commencement of a public dinner 
 at Guildhall, on Lord Mayor's day, Mr. Chamber- 
 lain Wilkes lisped out, M Mr. Alderman Burnell, shall 
 I help you to a plate of turtle, or a slice of the 
 haunch ? I am within reach of both." 
 
 " Neither one nor the t'other, I thank you, sir," 
 
THE world's jest-book. 809 
 
 replied the alderman, *' I think I shall dine on the 
 beans and bacon, which are at this end of the ta- 
 ble." " Mr. Alderman A n, which would you 
 
 choose, sir ?" continued the chamberlain. " Sir, 
 I will not trouble you for either, for I believe I shall 
 follow the example of my brother Burnell, and dine 
 on beans and bacon," was the reply. On this se- 
 cond refusal, the old chamberlain rose from his seat, 
 and with every mark of astonishment in his counte- 
 nance, curled up the corners of his mouth, cast his 
 eyes around the table, and in a voice as loud 
 and articulate as he was able, called, " Silence !" 
 which being obtained, he then addressed the Prae- 
 torian Magistrate, who sat in the chair : — " My 
 Lord Mayor, the wicked have accused us of intem- 
 perance, and branded us with the imputation of 
 gluttony ;' that they may be put to open shame, and 
 their profane tongues be from this day silenced, 
 I humbly move that your lordship command the 
 proper officer to record in our annals — that two al- 
 dermen of the city of London prefer deans and bacon 
 to either venison or turtle soup" 
 
 508. — Flesh-colour, a good Match. 
 
 A native, just arrived from India's land, 
 Wish'd to appear gay, buckish, fine, and grand. 
 Flesh- colour' d stockings he found all the fashion ; 
 So that, as other puppies, he might dash on, 
 He straight repairing to a hosier's shop, 
 Flesh colour'd stockings call'd for, like a fop, 
 The hosier, fonder of his joke than trade, 
 Of black silk hose a parcel quick display'd. 
 " How," said the Indian, u Flesh-colour' d I sought/' 
 And was to a prodigious passion wrought. 
 The hosier held a pair politely in his hand, 
 Saying, "A better match you'll find not in the Strand." 
 
310 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 509.— The Gamester, 
 
 " My love," a chiding dame would say, 
 " You always lose, yet always play : 
 When will you leave your gambling o'er, 
 And be the sport of chance no more V 9 
 
 " Madam," said he, " I'll do it when 
 You cease coquetting with the men." 
 " Alas ! I see," replied the wife, 
 " You'll be a gamester all your life." 
 
 510. — During the last visit which Dr. Johnson 
 made to Lichfield, the friends with whom he was 
 staying missed him one morning at the breakfast ta- 
 ble ; on inquiring after him of the servants, they 
 understood he had set off from Lichfield at a very 
 early hour, without mentioning to any of the family 
 whither he was going. The day passed without the 
 return of the illustrious guest, and the party began 
 to be very uneasy on his account, when, just before 
 the supper hour, the door opened, and the doctor 
 stalked into the room. A solemn silence ensued of 
 a few minutes, nobody daring to inquire the cause 
 of his absence, which was at length relieved by 
 Johnson addressing the lady of the house as follows : 
 " Mada*m, I beg your pardon for the abruptness of 
 my departure this morning, but I was constrained 
 to it by my conscience. Fifty years ago, madam, 
 on this day, I committed a breach of filial piety, 
 which has ever since lain heavy on my mind, and 
 has not until this day been expiated. My father, 
 you recollect, was a bookseller, and had long been 
 in the habit of attending Walsall market, and open- 
 ing a stall for the sale of his books during that day. 
 Confined to his bed by indisposition, he requested of 
 me, this time fifty years ago, to visit the market, 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 311 
 
 and attend the stall in his place. But, madam, my 
 pride prevented me from doing my duty, and I gave 
 my father a refusal. To do away the sin of this 
 disobedience, I this day went in a post-chaise to 
 Walsall, and going into the market at the time of 
 high business, uncovered my head, and stood 
 with it bare an hour before the stall which my fa- 
 had formerly used, exposed to the sneers of the 
 standers by, and the inclemency of the weather, a 
 penance, by which 1 have propitiated heaven for this 
 only instance, I believe, of contumacy towards my 
 father." 
 
 511. — Postponement of a Trial. — A highwayman, 
 named Bolland, confined in Newgate, sent for a so- 
 licitor to know how he could defer his trial, and was 
 answered, "By getting an apothecary to make affi- 
 davit of his illness." This was accordingly done in 
 the following manner : — " The deponent verily be- 
 lieves, that if the said James Bolland is obliged to 
 take his trial at the ensuing sessions, he will be in 
 imminent danger of his life." To which the learned 
 judge on the bench answered, "That he verily be- 
 lieved so too." The trial was ordered to proceed 
 immediately. 
 
 612. — The Second Samson. 
 
 Jack eating rotten cheese, did say, 
 " Like Samson, I my thousands slay ;" 
 " I vow," quoth Roger, " so you do, 
 And with the self-same weapon too." 
 
 513. — The Happy Thought— Among other ve.. 
 tures which were sent to Beunos Ayres after the suc- 
 cesses of the British forces, were a considerable 
 number of hearth-rugs. For these, however, as 
 there were no fire-places, no purchasers could be 
 
312 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 found, until at length the supercargo of the vessel 
 in which they were hit upon the expedient of placing 
 one of the most showy upon a horse, as a sort of 
 saddle. The hint was immediately taken, the rugs 
 were soon sold off ; and in a few days every horse- 
 man was in possession of a saddle. 
 
 514. — Queen Caroline, consort of George the Se- 
 cond, was remarkable for having the largest feet of 
 any female in the kingdom. One morning, as her 
 majesty was walking on the banks of the river near 
 Richmond, attended only by one lady, venturing too 
 tar on the sand, from which the water had recently 
 ebbed, she sunk up to her ankles, and in endeavour- 
 ing to extricate herself, lost one of her galloches ; at 
 that instant the lady observing a waterman rowing 
 by, requested he would land, and recover the queen's 
 slipper. The request was instantly complied with, 
 and whilst the son of Old Thames was, with evident 
 marks of astonishment in his countenance, examining 
 its extraordinary size, turning to her majesty, he 
 inquired if that was her slipper. On being answered 
 in the affirmative, he bluntly replied, " Then, I am 
 out of my reckoning, for I mistook it for a child's 
 cradle" 
 
 515. — The following Direction to a Letter was 
 sent, some time ago, to a Young Lady, at Edmonton, 
 It ran thus : — 
 
 " Fly, postman, with this letter ; run 
 To Carter, baker, Edmonton, 
 To Nancy Carter, there convey it ; 
 This is the charge — with speed obey it." 
 
 66 Remember, my blade, " 
 That the postage is paid." 
 
the world's jest-book, SI 3. 
 
 516— The Poet's Fame. 
 
 u I write for Fame /" Tom Tagrhyme cried ; 
 "Fame is my mistress, Fame's my pride !" 
 " I give thee joy !" return'd a wit, 
 (i For thou the glorious mark hast hit ! 
 To future times, whenever nam'd, 
 Thy verse for nonsense shall be fam'd" 
 
 517. — A Persian emperor, when hunting, per- 
 ceived a very old man planting a walnut-tree, and 
 advancing towards him, asked his age. The peasant 
 replied, " I am four years old." An attendent re- 
 rebuked him for uttering such an absurdity in the 
 presence of the emperor. *■ You censure me without 
 cause," replied the peasant ; " I did not speak with- 
 out reflection ; for the wise do not reckon that time 
 which has been lost in folly and the cares of the 
 world. I therefore consider that to be my real 'age, 
 which has been past in serving the Deity, and dis- 
 charging my duty to society." Ths emperor, struck 
 with the singularity of the remark, observed, " Thou 
 canst not hope to see the trees thou art planting 
 come to perfection." " True," answered the sage, 
 " but, since others have planted that we might eat, 
 it is right that we should plant for the benefit of 
 olhers." "Excellent!" exclaimed the emperor; 
 upon which, as was the custom when any one was 
 honoured with the applause of the sovereign, a purse- 
 bearer presented the old man with a thousand pieces 
 of gold. On receiving them, the shrewd peasant 
 made a low obedience, and added, " king, other 
 men's trees come to perfection in the space of forty 
 years, but mine have produced fruit as soon as they 
 were planted." " Bravo," said the monarch ; and a 
 second purse of gold was presented, when the old 
 man exclaimed, " The trees of others bear fruit only 
 
314 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 once a year, but mine have yielded two crops in 
 one day." "Delightful !" replied the emperor ; 
 and a third purse of gold was given ; after which, 
 putting spurs to his horse, the monarch retreated, 
 saying, " Reverend father, I dare not stay longer, 
 lest thy wit should exhaust my treasury." 
 
 518.— The Tread Mill. 
 Kate sentenced at the mill to tread, 
 66 Though I may walk in the streets," she said, 
 
 u And you may keep your carriage ; 
 I envy not your worship's wife, 
 Who is with you condemned for life 
 
 To the tread mill of marriage." 
 
 519. — Singular Defence in a Case of Seduction. — 
 A painter, who was ugly, stupid and poor, was 
 greatly terrified by a girl who took advantage of 
 these circumstances, and accused him of having se- 
 duced her. She demanded that he should marry 
 her, or make a pecuniary compensation for the loss 
 of that virtue which she had, in fact, trafficed with 
 for more than fourteen years. He knew not what 
 to do, and at length resolved to consult an advocate, 
 who was renowned for his successful humour. The 
 poor painter protested that it was he who had been 
 seduced, and offered to explain the manner by a 
 painting which he would display to the court : this 
 novel mode of explanation was, however, rejected. 
 The advocate said, u I will undertake your case on 
 one condition, which is, that you remain quiet in 
 court, and that whatever I may say, you will on no 
 account open that ugly mouth of yours : you under- 
 stand, and unless you obey, you will be condemned," 
 
 The day arrived, and the cause having been called, 
 the painter's advocate allowed his adversary to de- 
 claim amply on the inestimable advantages of mo- 
 
the world's jest-book. 315 
 
 desty — on the protection that ought to be given to 
 the weakness and frailty of the sex ; and the arti- 
 fices and the sneers which everywhere surrounded 
 them, &c. 
 
 The painter's advocate then rose, and said, " My 
 lords, I plead for a scarecrow — I plead for a beg- 
 gar — I plead for a fool (here the painter began to 
 murmur, but the advocate imposed silence on him). 
 To prove to you that he is only fit to be a scare- 
 crow, my lords, I have only to ask you to look at 
 him. To convince you that he is a beggar, I have 
 only to mention that he is a painter. To manifest 
 that he is a fool, I have only to request that the 
 court would interrogate him. These three grand 
 points being established, I reason thus — Seduction 
 can only be effected by money, by wit, or by a good 
 figure. My client cannot have effected the alleged 
 seduction by money, since he is a beggar : he can- 
 not have accomplished it by his wit, since he is a 
 fool : he could not have attained the end by the fas- 
 cination of a fine person, since he is one of the most 
 ugly of men. From all of which I conclude that 
 he is falsely accused." 
 
 These conclusions were admitted, and the painter 
 obtained an unanimous verdict in his favour. 
 
 520. — The Exchange. 
 Joan cudgels Ned, yet Ned's a bully ; 
 Will cudgels Bess, yet Will's a cully : 
 Die Ned and Bess, give Will to Joan, 
 She dare not say her soul's her own : 
 Die Joan and Will, give Bess to Ned, 
 And every day she'll comb his head. 
 
 521. — Bills and Acceptances. — Two city mer- 
 chants, conversing on business at the door of the 
 X^ew York Coffee-house, one of them made some 
 
£16 WIT AND WISDOM ; 0% 
 
 remarks on the badness of the times ; and perceiv- 
 ing at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over 
 their heads, he exclaimed, " How happy are those 
 pigeons ! they have no acceptances to provide for." 
 To which the other replied, * You are rather in 
 error, my friend, for they have their hills to provide 
 for as well as we !" 
 
 522.— The Wife the Greatest Trouble. 
 In Lincolnshire a grazier dwelt, 
 A wretch that pleasure never felt, 
 His daily care, his daily pain, 
 A hundred cows was to maintain. 
 Great was his trouble, great his woe, 
 Sure mortal ne'er was tortured so : 
 He took a wife, and she, God knows, 
 Fatigued him more than all his cows. 
 523. — Mr. Garrick was once present with Dr. 
 Johnson at the table of a nobleman, where, amongst 
 other guests, was one, of whose near connexions 
 some disgraceful anecdote was then in circulation. 
 It had reached the ears of Johnson, who, after din- 
 ner, took an opportunity of relating it in his most 
 acrimonious manner. Garrick, who sat next him, 
 pinched bis arm, and trod upon his toe, and made 
 use of other means to interrupt the thread of his 
 narration, but all was in vain. The doctor pro- 
 ceeded, and when he had finished the story, he 
 turned gravely round to Garrick, of whom before 
 he had taken no notice whatever, — " Thrice," said 
 he, * Davy, have you trod upon my toe ; thrice 
 have you pinched my arm ; and now, if what I have 
 related be a falsehood, convict me before this com- 
 pany." Garrick replied not a word, but frequently 
 declared afterwards, that he never felt half so much 
 perturbation, even when he met "his father's 
 ghost." 
 
the world's jest-book. 317 
 
 524. — Whimsical Direction of a Letter, 
 
 In London, postman, I've a friend, 
 
 To whom this letter I would send : 
 
 In Spital-fields there is a row, 
 
 Named Paternoster, as you know '; 
 
 'Tis there he dwells, unknown to shame, . 
 
 James Murray, junior, is his name : 
 
 The house is private, front is new, 
 
 The number I shall leave to you ; 
 
 He'll pay the post, for me that's better ; 
 
 Knock thrice, at least, and leave the letter. 
 
 525. — Effect of Habit — A certain poor unfortu- 
 nate gentleman who was so often pulled by the 
 sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual ap- 
 prehension of them, and going one day through 
 Tavistock-street, his coat-sleeve, as he was swinging 
 it along in a hurry, happened to catch upon the 
 iron spikes of one of the rails, whereupon he imme- 
 diately turned about in great surprise, and cried 
 out, " At whose suit, sir ? — at whose suit I" 
 
 526. — Valentine sent by a Miser. 
 Come, starve with me, and be my love, 
 And we will all the pleasures prove 
 
 Of saving every penny ; 
 And thou shalt labour all thy years, 
 And vow to heav'n, and melt in tears, 
 
 And wretched be as any. 
 
 Oh ! be my darling Valentine, 
 And thou shalt never sup or dine, 
 
 But guineas keep to weigh them ; 
 And bills as long, thy file shall see, 
 And thou shalt pause as long as he 
 
 Who never means to pay them. 
 
318 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 527. — Dramatic Hardship. — A young man being 
 announced for the part of Romeo, and being engaged 
 to perform all that line of acting, a veteran, in the 
 same company, declared it was very hard. " For," 
 added he, " I have played Romeo myself these forty 
 years ; and here comes a whipper-snapper of a boy 
 and takes it from me at last." 
 
 528. — During the contested election for Devon, 
 between Mr. Bastard and Lord Ebrington, Mrs. 
 < and her daughter were walking in the Castle- 
 yard, at Exeter, when Miss having slily mounted a 
 little bit of blue, in opposition to the vote and in- 
 terest of papa, was accosted by a young friend, with 
 u Dear me ! you are not a Bastard, are you ?" 
 When the former replied, " Indeed, Miss, I am, ask 
 mamma if I a 'n't." " Yes, my dear," replied 
 mamma, "I believe you are, but papa must not 
 know it." 
 
 529. — Recipe to Iceep a person warm the whole win- 
 ter with a single billet of wood. — Take a billet oi 
 wood of the ordinary size, run up into the garret 
 with it as fast as you can, throw it out of the garret 
 window, run down after it (not out of the garret win- 
 dow, mind,) as fast as possible ; repeat this till you 
 are warm, and as often as occasion may require. It 
 will never fail to have the desired effect, while you 
 are able to use it. 
 
 530. — Whimsical Shop Bill of a Dealer in Marine 
 Stores. 
 This is the shop to sell your rags, 
 Iron, roping, and old bags ; 
 Pewter, copper, lead and brass, 
 Bottles, phials, and flint glass ; 
 Silver lace, likewise gold, 
 Flocks and feathers, bought and sold • 
 
the world's jest-book. 319 
 
 Buttons, either gilt or plated, 
 At the most money here is rated, 
 Old books, waste paper, and horse hair, 
 How much you bring I do not care. 
 N.B. Tailors' shops cleared. 
 
 531. — Irish Simplicity. — A young woman of Dub- 
 lin, who was apprehensive of some unhappy effects 
 from an illicit amour which she had for some time 
 carried on with a Dutch sailor, mentioned her situ- 
 ation to a friend of hers, who advised her to place 
 her future offspring to the account of her master, as 
 being the richer man of the two. " I was thinking 
 of that," replied the fail' one, "but then you know 
 the child will discover all when it begins to speak 
 Dutch." 
 
 532. — Effects of Champagne. 
 
 Poor Dick, one day, with pain roar'd out, 
 And swore no pain was like the gout, 
 
 Sent for the doctor quickly ; 
 Who, when he came, laugh'd in his face, 
 And felt no pity for his case, 
 
 'Twas only Champagne, strictly. 
 
 533. — The Coxcomb. — A very silly young Irish- 
 man, who knew a scrap or two of French, and was 
 excessively vain of his accomplishment, accosted a 
 gentleman in the street with " Quelle heure est-il !" 
 {i.e. What is it o'clock ?) The gentleman replied in 
 Latin, " Nescio :" (i.e. I know not.) " God bless 
 me," said the other, " I did not think it had been so 
 late," and ran off as if on some very important' bu- 
 siness. 
 
 534. — An Irish showman, exhibiting at Eton, 
 pointed out in his box all the crowned heads in the 
 
S20 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 world ; and being asked by the school-boys, who 
 looked through the glass, which was the emperor, 
 which the pope, which the sultan, and which the 
 great mogul, exclaimed eagerly, "Which you please, 
 youDg gentlemen, which you please." 
 
 535. — The Usurious Lover. 
 
 You owe me, Iris, thirty kisses, 
 
 Two years have they been over due ; 
 
 So pay me now those well-earned blisses, 
 The priciple and interest too. 
 
 To the first thirty we must add 
 
 Five more for each year, which will 'mount 
 To forty. Madam, I'd be glad 
 
 If you'd discharge my small account. 
 
 So pay me what you owe me, these 
 
 Sweet kisses, you dishonest elf, 
 Else, as the law provides, I'll seize 
 
 Your body, and so pay myself. 
 
 536. — Retort Courteous. — Bigaud, the much ad- 
 mired French painter, was as much esteemed for 
 his ready wit, as for his talents as an artist. Though 
 sought after by all as a portrait painter, he was 
 always unwilling to employ his pencil in the service 
 of the ladies of the court, — " For," said he, u if I 
 paint real likenesses they are always dissatisfied, 
 and were I to paint them all handsome, how few of 
 their portraits would bear a resemblance." To one 
 lady in particular, who, whilst she sat to him, com- 
 plained of the glare of his colours, he sarcastically 
 replied, " And yet, madam, we both buy at the same 
 shop." 
 
THE "WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 S21 
 
 537. — Impromptu to , who was angry at 
 
 my attempting to hiss her. 
 
 Oh ! prithee, lady, pardon me, 
 
 If 1 have done amiss, 
 In striving on thy blooming cheek 
 
 To print a fervent kiss. 
 
 I would that thou shouldst rather blame 
 
 Those beaming eyes of thine, 
 That drew me from my wonted path, 
 
 To worship at thy shrine. 
 
 Although by some I may be deemed 
 
 A vain and foolish thing, 
 Thank heaven ! I am not one of those 
 
 Who recklessly would sting. 
 
322 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 And though an object might display 
 
 A pleasure to mine eye, 
 Oh ! I shall count that pleasure dross, 
 
 If purchased by thy sigh. 
 
 Then, prithee, lady, pardon me 
 
 If I have done amiss, 
 In striving on thy blooming cheek 
 
 To print a fervent kiss. 
 
 538.— Orc Peter White. 
 
 Peter White will ne'er go right — 
 Would you know the reason why ? 
 
 Where'er he goes, he follows his nose, 
 And that stands all awry. 
 
 539. — Mr. Fox, after he had arrived at years of 
 maturity, often boasted that, from his earliest in- 
 fancy, he never failed to do whatever he had an 
 inclination for : two singular instances of which oc- 
 curred before he was six years old. One day, 
 standing by his father while he was winding up a 
 watch, " I have a great mind to break that watch, 
 papa," said the boy. " No, Charles," replied the 
 father, " that would be foolish." " Indeed, papa," 
 said he, " I must do it." " Nay," answered the 
 father, " if you have such a violent inclination, I 
 won't balk it." On which he delivered the watch 
 into , the hands of the youngster, who instantly 
 dashed him it against the floor. 
 
 Another time, while he was Secretary of War, 
 having just finished a long despatch, which he was 
 going to send, Charles, who stood near him with his 
 hand upon the inkstand, said, " Papa, I have a mind 
 to throw this ink over the paper." " Do, my dear," 
 said the secretary, "if it will afford you any plea- 
 sure." The young gentleman immediately threw 
 
 
the world's jest-book. 323 
 
 the ink, and the secretary, with great composure, 
 and good humour, sat down to write the despatch 
 over again. 
 
 540. — Light Fingered Jack. 
 
 Jack, who thinks all his own that once he handles, 
 For practice sake, purloin'd a pound of candles : 
 Was taken in the fact ; ah ! thoughtless wight, 
 To steal such things as needs must come to light* 
 
 541. — Origin of Tea Drinking . — About the year 
 1720, tea was unknown as a beverage in this king- 
 dom, when the mate of an Indiaman having brought 
 some home from China on speculation, gave it to a 
 waterman's apprentice of the name of Burrows, to 
 dispose of for him. The young man, after hawking 
 it about for some days, carried it to a Mr. Lloyd, 
 who kept a coffee-house in Lombard Street. Mr. L., 
 out of curiosity, purchased the tea, and the first cup 
 ever made in London was at his house. It is 
 almost needless to mention that this Mr. Lloyd 
 gave his name to the coffee-house which still retains 
 it, though removed to the Royal Exchange. Bur- 
 rows himself, from some lucky chances, rose to 
 opulence, and is still remembered by some old inha- 
 bitants of the city. 
 
 542. — The Epicure — A Parody on ShaJcspeare. 
 
 If lobsters be the sauce for turbot, heap on — ■ 
 Give me another plate — so that the appetite 
 May gormandize before the season's out. 
 That smack again ; it had a luscious relish ; 
 Oh ! it came o'er my palate like sweet jelly, 
 That doth accompany a haunch just touch' d, 
 Stealing and giving odour : enough — no more — 
 pampered taste ! how quickly cloy'd thou art, 
 
324 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 That, notwithstanding my capacious eye 
 
 Is bigger than my paunch, nought enters there, 
 
 Of what high price and rarity soever, 
 
 But turns to chalk-stone and the gnawing gout, 
 
 Even in a minute ! such pains do lurk unseen 
 
 In dishes season'd high, fantastical. 
 
 Twelfth Night. 
 
 543. — How to please your Friends. — Go to India, ! 
 stay there twenty years ; work hard ; get money ; 
 save it ; come home ; bring with you a store of 
 wealth and a diseased liver ; visit your friends ; 
 make a will ; provide for them all ; then die : what 
 a prudent, good, generous, kind-hearted, soul you 
 will be ! 
 
 544. — Repartee of a Lombardy Lass. — A girl of 
 Lombardy, running after her she ass, which was in 
 haste to get up to her foal, passed a gentleman on 
 the road ; who, seeing her look very buxom, and 
 having a mind to be witty, called out, " Whence do 
 you come, sweetheart ?" " From Villejuiff, sir," said 
 she. " From Villejuiff!" answered the gentleman ; 
 a Do you know the daughter of Nicholas Gillot, who 
 lives there ?" " Very well," replied the girl. " Be 
 so kind, then," said he, " as to carry her a kiss from 
 me !" And throwing his arm round her neck, was 
 about to salute her. " Hold, sir," cried the wench, 
 disentangling herself from his rude embrace ; "since 
 you are in such a hurry, it will be better to kiss my 
 donkey, as she will be there some time before me." 
 
 545. — Tiie Deck-oration. 
 6i Thy diamond necklace, bright and clear," 
 
 Exclaim'd a gallant tar, 
 <( Reminds me of a speech, my dear, 
 
 On board a man of war." 
 
the world's jest-book. 325 
 
 (i A speech ?" the wond'ring fair replied, 
 
 " Your words want explanation ;" 
 " Nay, frown not, love," the sailor cried, 
 
 " It is a Deck-oration." 
 
 546. — Bishop Thomas's Art of Killing Wives. — 
 Bishop Thomas, who was a man of great wit and 
 drollery, was observing, at a visitation, that he had 
 been four times married ; and, should his present 
 wife die, he declared that he would take another, 
 whom it was his opinion he should survive. u Per- 
 haps, gentlemen," continued the bishop, u you do 
 not know the art of getting quit of wiv^s ; I will 
 tell you how I do. I am called a good husband ; and 
 so I am, for I never contradict them. But, do you 
 not know that want of contradiction is fatal to wo- 
 men ? If you contradict them, that alone is exercise 
 and health, the best medicine in the world for all 
 women ; but if you constantly give them their own 
 way, they will soon languish and pine, or become 
 gross and lethargic, for want of exercise." 
 
 54:7. — Men of Genius not incapable of Business. — 
 The Duke of Newcastle, being one day engaged in 
 conversation with Sterne, author of Tristram 
 Shandy, and observing that men of genius were un- 
 fit to be employed, being generally incapable of bu- 
 siness, the wit sarcastically replied, u They are not 
 incapable, my lord duke, but above it. A sprightly, 
 generous horse, is able to carry a pack-saddle as 
 well as an ass, but he is too good to be put to the 
 drudgery." 
 
 548. — Comets, doubtless, answer some wise and 
 good purposes in the creation ; so do women. Comets 
 are incomprehensible, beautiful, and eccentric ; so 
 are women. Comets shine with peculiar splendour, 
 but at night appear most brilliant ; so do women. 
 
326 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 Comets confound the most learned, when they at- 
 tempt to ascertain their nature ; so do women. 
 Comets equally excite the admiration of the philoso- 
 pher and of the clod of the valley ; so do women. 
 Comets and women, therefore, are closely analagous ; 
 but the nature of each being inscrutable, all that re- 
 mains for us to do is, to view with admiration the 
 one, and, almost to adoration, love the other. 
 
 549.— Royal Anecdotes.— Mr. Shee, of Pall Mall, 
 had the honour of making suits for an illustrious 
 heir-apparent. The prince being one day at dinner 
 with his royal mother at Buckingham House, his 
 gentleman in waiting entering, said, " Please your 
 royal highness, Shee is come." " What, George !" 
 exclaimed her majesty, " under my very nose ! She 
 shall not be admitted !" When the same illustrious 
 personage was hunting over Wingfield Plain, he 
 came to a watery lane. Meeting with a country- 
 man, he inquired of him if that was a road ? 
 " Yees," answered Hodge, " a road for ducks." 
 
 550. — The Drunken Sailors. 
 
 A. parson once, of Methodistic race, 
 
 With band new stiffen'd, and with lengthen'd face, 
 
 In rostrum mounted, high above the rest, 
 
 In long-drawn tones his friends below address'd, 
 
 And while he made the chapel roof to roar, 
 
 Three drunken sailors reel'd in at the door ; 
 
 His reverence twigg'd them, baited fresh his trap, 
 
 " New converts for old Nick and Co. to nap !" 
 
 The poor pew-opener, too, a grave old woman — 
 
 Poor ! did I say ? Oh ! how I wrong'd the race — 
 
 His honour told me she was rich — ah, rich in grace. 
 
 This poor pew-opener, though, thinking right, 
 As soon as Neptune's sons appear'd in sight, 
 
the world's jest-book. 827 
 
 With a preface of three dismal groans compos'd, 
 
 Her lips thus opeD'd and her mind disclos'd ; 
 
 w Ye vicked men, conceiv'd and born in sin, 
 
 The gospel gates are open — enter in ; 
 
 Come and be sav'd, ye fallen sons of Adam." 
 
 At which they all roar'd out, " Oh, dam'me madam, 
 
 .Your jawing tackle's at its proper pitch, 
 
 Come out you swab-fac'd noisy witch, 
 
 Go hang yourself you squalling cat, 
 
 What humbug rig is this that now you're at ?" 
 
 Words like these, utter'd in a sailor's note, 
 Soon reajch'd the man in black, who preaeh'd by 
 
 rote ' , 
 And he, tho a dissenter is what I would remark, 
 
 Being no novice, beckon'd to his clerk, 
 
 Told the amen-man what to say and do — 
 
 Immediately he leaves his pew, 
 
 Goes to the sailors to do as he was bid, 
 
 Out hauls his 'bacco box, with " Dam'me, take a 
 
 quid? 
 What cheer my thundering bucks ! how are ye all ? 
 Come in my lads, and give your sins an overhaul ! J> 
 The sailors roll'd their quids and turn'd their eyes, 
 And view'd their banefactor with surprise ; 
 Swore he was a hearty fellow, " D — n their souls i" 
 So in they staggering went, cheek by jowl, 
 Found a snug berth, and stow'd themselves away, 
 To hear what Master Blackey had to say. 
 His reverence preaeh'd, and groan' d, and preaeh'd 
 
 again ! 
 And, says my story, it was not in vain ; 
 The plan succeeding which they had concerted, 
 They went in sinners, and came out converted. 
 
 551. — One afternoon a young gentleman, in a state 
 of inebriety went to a bath at the west end of the 
 
328 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 town, and falling asleep, remained there all night. 
 The next morning he was confoundedly vexed at the 
 adventure ; when a wit observed, he had achieved 
 a great honour, being undoubtedly a "Knight Com- 
 panion of the Bath." 
 
 552. — By Dr. Doddridge, on his Motto, (i Dum 
 Vivimus Vivamus." 
 Live while you live — the epicure would say, 
 And sieze the pleasures of the present day ; 
 Live while you live — the sacred preacher cries, 
 And give to God each moment as it flies. 
 Lord, in my views let both united be, 
 I live in pleasure while I live to thee. 
 
 553. — The Antiquity of Heraldry, — In a small 
 work published in 1721, entitled " The British Com- 
 pendium, or Rudiments of Honour," is the following 
 passage : " Abel, the second son of Adam, bore his 
 lather's coat quartered with that of his mother Eve, 
 she being an heiress, viz. gules and argent ; and Jo- 
 seph's coat was party-pur-pale, argent and gules." 
 
 554. — Time. 
 How swift the pinions Time puts on, 
 To urge his night away ; 
 $ To day's soon yesterday ; anon, 
 To-morrow is to day. 
 
 Thus days, and weeks, and months, and years, 
 
 Depart from mortal view ; 
 As, sadly, through the vale of tears 
 
 Our journey we pursue ! 
 
 Yet grieve not, man, but thus he flies, 
 
 He hastes thee to thy rest ; 
 The drooping wretch tiiat soonest dies 
 
 is soonest with the blest I 
 
the world's jest-book. 329 
 
 555.— Lord Bath owed Lady Bell Finch half a 
 crown; he sent it next day, with a wish that he 
 could give her a crown. She replied, that though 
 he could not give her a crown, he could give a coro- 
 net, and she was very ready to accept it. 
 
 556. — What's the best receipt for dying black % 
 ." Hanging," said a wag, who overheard the ques- 
 tion. 
 
 557. — A Roman being about to repudiate his wife, 
 among a variety of other questions from her enraged 
 kinsmen, was asked, u Is not your wife a sensible 
 woman ? Is she not handsome ? Has she not borne 
 you some fine children % n In answer to all which 
 questions, slipping off his shoe, he held it up, asking 
 them, "Is not this shoe a very handsome one % Is 
 it not quite new ? Is it not extremely well made \ 
 How then is it that none of you can tell me where 
 it pinches !" 
 
 558.— On a Globe of the World. 
 
 Try ere you purchase ; hear the bauble ring ; 
 
 'Tis all a cheat, a hollow empty thing. 
 
 559. — A Useful Horse. — A gentleman having a 
 horse that started, and broke his wife's neck, a 
 neighbouring squire told him he wished to purchase 
 it for his wife to ride upon. " No," says the other, 
 " I will not sell it ; I intend to marry again myself J" 
 
 560. — The Steam Washing Company, in their ad- 
 vertisement, required a person, amongst other capa- 
 bilities, to be able " to manage a number of women.' 19 
 This is a qualification which few possess. We won- 
 der if they are to be managed in the usual way, or 
 by steam ! 
 
 561. — An Apology for Fortune. 
 Bad fortune is a Fancy ; she is just ; 
 Gives the poor hope, and sends the rich distrust* 
 
330 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 562.— « Souvre," said Louis the Fifteenth to the 
 commander of that name, "You are getting old ; 
 where do you wish to be interred ?" " At the foot 
 of your majesty, sire," replied Souvre. This answer 
 disconcerted the monarch, who remained for some 
 time deeply immersed in thought. 
 
 563. — A Heavy Log. — A lubberly-looking sailor 
 applied to the magistrates of College-street police 
 for a warrant against his captain for striking him. 
 
 The complainant said that he had been steward of 
 a vessel from Quebec to Dublin ; that the captain 
 had, in the course of the voyage, given him several 
 beatings, of which he had kept a regular log, and 
 would, if he pleased, show it to him. 
 
 The magistrate said he should certainly have no 
 objection to see such a curiosity. 
 
 The steward accordingly produced a paper, on 
 which were the following items to the credit of the 
 captain : — 
 
 June 5. — Wind fair, captain in a foul bad hu- 
 mour ; only said there was no land like the land of 
 liberty (meaning America), for which captain said 
 he would take the " liberty," to give me a kick in 
 the stern port ; did so accordingly, a cruel hard one. 
 
 June 7. — Wind changeable ; was remarking that 
 the breeching of a gun was out of order. Captain 
 desired me to mind my own ; at the same time his 
 foot let me know my back was towards him. — Re- 
 marks : Captain can't bear any one to say his ship 
 ben't the best on the station. 
 
 June 25.— Wind S. S. E. Told captain could not 
 grind any more coffee. You can't grind ? says he. 
 No, says I. Then what use have you with all them 
 grinders ? said he ; and he knocked out my front 
 tooth.— Remarks : Captain would go more than an 
 
THE world's jest-book. 331 
 
 arm* s length for a joke. D — d fond of puns. I'll 
 pun-ish him yet for them. 
 
 July 1. — Fine strong breeze ; ship going ten knots 
 an hour ; only told captain the beef was any thing 
 but sound ; he told me I deserved a sound threshing 
 for saying so ; said I couldn't let a bit of it into my 
 stomach, as it was as tough as a cable ; then, says 
 he, you shall get your bellyful of a rope's end ; cap- 
 tain too smart with an answer ; will make him smart 
 for it. 
 
 July 10. — Captain scolding me all day, and gave 
 me a blow on the cheek ; Lord knows captain has 
 too much jaw of his own at all times to attempt 
 having any thing to do with another's : VU make 
 him laugh on the wrong side of his mouth for all this ; 
 he sha'n't be always a-letting his hands go cheek by 
 jowl with my chaps : no chap could stand it. 
 
 The magistrate, after complimenting the com- 
 plainant on the ingenuity and novelty of his log- 
 book, desired the clerk to give the steward a 
 summons to his captain to answer the complaint. 
 
 564. — The Question Answered. 
 
 Why is a handsome wife ador'd 
 
 By every coxcomb but her lord ? 
 
 From yonder puppet-man inquire, 
 
 Who wisely hides his wood and wire, 
 
 Shows Sheba's queen completely drest, 
 
 And Solomon in regal vest ; 
 
 But view them litter'd on the floor, 
 
 Or strung on pegs behind the door, 
 
 Punch is exactly of a piece 
 
 With Lorrain's duke, and prince of Greece. 
 565. — Munden, during his stay at Brighton, be- 
 ing told that Mrs. Outts had offered twelve thous- 
 sand pounds for Byam House, ejaculated with 
 
332 WJT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 surprise, " My wigs and eyes ! give ten thousand 
 pounds to buy a mouse! what the devil will the wo- 
 man do next ?" 
 
 566. — Biding rusty. — A gentleman having re- 
 marked to a friend, that his majesty's military 
 escort, during his visit to Drury-lane Theatre, had 
 to ride about for five hours in a heavy rain, the lat- 
 ter replied, that it was enough to make the cuiras- 
 siers ride rusty. 
 
 567. — The Dunce and the Schoolmaster. 
 A pedagogue, when faces wry 
 
 Were at him made, was shock'd ; 
 And in the twinkling of an eye 
 
 His jaw at once was locked. 
 
 A stupid hoy was quite appall'd, 
 
 His task he never saw ; 
 " Gape in his face,'' said Bob, <( when call'd, 
 
 And tip Mm a lock 9 d jaw" 
 
 568.—" Go on." " So we did. 99 — Among the first 
 briefs the late Hon. Henry Erskine was entrusted 
 with at the Scotch bar, was one of a defendant in a 
 case of criminal conversation. After opening and 
 proceeding in the defence for a considerable time, 
 in his usual eloquent and easy style, to a court com- 
 posed of one liquorish old sessional lord, he suddenly 
 dropped into the following curious appeal as a 
 winding up : " My lord, we are amorous, vigorous, 
 and young ; we had retired to bed, and were dream- 
 ing of dear love's delights, the bedchamber door, 
 my lord, being unlocked, as is usual with us ; in the 
 midst of our sweet and pleasing reverie, between 
 asleep and awake, as if by enchantment, we beheld 
 a spirit — a woman, as angel fair — trip up with fairy 
 step to our bed-side. * Grace was in her steps, 
 
the world's jest-book. S3 3 
 
 heaven in her eye, in ail her gestures dignity and 
 love.' This lovely creature, my lord, o'er whom 
 twenty springs had not yet shed their vernal bloom, 
 standing before us, my lord, in all the luxuriant 
 ripeness of voluptuous youth, we must have been 
 more or less than man, if we could, my lord, have 
 sat up in our bed at such a trying moment, and only 
 stared at so sweet a portion of nature's frailty. My 
 lord, consider, could vigorous youth — nay, (with a 
 peculiar turn of his eye towards the bench,) could 
 healthy old age — could flesh and blood withstand so 
 great a temptation ?" Here he paused ; on which 
 his lordship said, tt Mr. Erskine, go on." Erskine 
 gravely replied, " So we did, my lord ; and here we 
 now await your lordship's favourable judgment for 
 having done so." 
 
 569. — Just about the time that Mr. Sheridan took 
 his house in Saville-Row, he happened to meet 
 Lord Guildford in the street, to whom he mentioned 
 his change of residence, and also announced a 
 change of habits. "Now, my dear lord," said 
 Sheridan, u every thing is carried on in my house 
 with the greatest regularity, — every thing, in short, 
 goes like clock-work." " Ah !" replied Lord Guild- 
 ford, " tick, tick, tick, I suppose." 
 570. — Hope. 
 Hope, of all passions, most befriends us here, 
 Joy has her tears, and transport has her death ; 
 Hope, like a cordial, innocent though strong, 
 Man's heart at once inspirits and inspires, 
 Nor makes him pay his wisdom for his joys. 
 'Tis all our present state can safely bear, 
 Health to the frame and vigour to the mind, 
 And to the modest eye chastised delight, 
 Like the fair summer evening mild and sweet, 
 'Tis man's full cup—'tis paradise below 
 
334 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 571. — General Zeramba had a very long Polish 
 name. The king having heard of it, one day asked 
 him good-humouredly, "Pray, Zeramba, what is 
 your name ?" The general repeated to him imme- 
 diately the whole of his long name. " Why," said 
 the king, "the devil himself never had such a 
 name." " I should presume not, sir," replied the 
 general, " as he was no relation of mine." 
 
 572. — Jack Bannister praising the hospitalities of 
 the Irish, after his return from one of his trips to 
 the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been 
 at Cork. "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen 
 a great many drawings of it." 
 
 573. — Sam Foote being scolded severely, on some 
 occasion, by a lady of not the most agreeable tem- 
 per, he replied, " I have heard of tartars and 'brim- 
 stones; and, by Jove, madam, you are the cream of 
 the one, and the flower of the other." 
 
 574. — Charles V., who had so long distinguished 
 himself as a persecutor of all who differed from the 
 orthodox faith, appears in his retirement to have 
 come to his senses on the subject of intolerance. 
 He had thirty watches on his table, and observing 
 that no two of them observed the same time, he ex- 
 claimed, " How could I imagine that in matters of 
 religion I could make all men think alike !" A ser- 
 vant carelessly entering his cell, threw down all 
 the watches. The emperor laughed, and said, 
 " You are more lucky than I, for you have found 
 the way to make them all go together." 
 
 575. — Unobtrusive Beauty. 
 As lamps burn silent with unconscious light, 
 So modest ease in beauty shines most bright j 
 Unaiming charms with edge resistless fall, 
 And she who meant no mischief, does it all 
 
the world's jest-book. 335 
 
 576. — Disinterested A ttachment. — A respectable 
 widow had employed a young mail, who, by his ac- 
 tivity, his correctness, and fidelity, gave her proofs 
 for many years of unquestionable attachment. De- 
 siring to mark her esteem, she offered him her hand 
 and heart ; and she lived with him for five years iu 
 the happiest union. Lately she announces that she 
 can no longer delay to make a proposition to him, 
 and she requires that he will accept it. The hus- 
 band having made the promise required, what must 
 have been his astonishment on hearing the follow- 
 ing proposition : — My attachment and esteem have 
 but increased during the five years of our union. I 
 wish to complete my gratitude. I am fifty years of 
 a o e ? vou are hardly thirty ; I am fitter to be your 
 mother than your wife. You shall enjoy a happi- 
 ness which you are entitled to, that of having a 
 wife of an age suitable to your own, and children, 
 which I cannot give you. Consent to our divorce, 
 and choose a young wife. I give you up the half oi 
 my fortune. Do not refuse : I shall be amply re- 
 compensed for my sacrifice by the satisfaction of 
 being a witness of your happiness, and that of your 
 family. The husband having in vain refused to 
 accede to so strange a proposition, at last accepted 
 it with a gratitude proportioned to the benefit con- 
 ferred. He lives at present with a young wife, 
 whom his former spouse assisted him to choose ; 
 and the latter, far from repenting her determination, 
 enjoys the satisfaction of having formed the happi- 
 ness of a couple, who, on their part, entertain for 
 her a truly filial tenderness* 
 
 577. — Short Commons. — At a shop window in the 
 Strand there appears the following notice : — 
 " Wanted two apprentices, who will be treated as 
 one of the family." 
 
336 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 578. — The Masquerade, 
 " To this night's masquerade," quoth Dick, 
 
 " By pleasure I am beckoned, 
 And think 'twould be a pleasant trick 
 
 To go as Charles the Second." 
 
 Tom felt for repartee a thirst, 
 
 And thus to Richard said, 
 * You'd better go as Charles the First, 
 
 For that requires no head." 
 
 579. — What do you consider Madame Vestris's 
 forte ? said a musical amateur to a fashionable pun- 
 ster." " I consider her fort by no means impreg- 
 nable" said the wag : " it is certainly rather deficient 
 in breast-work" 
 
 580. — The Touchstone, 
 
 A fool and knave, with different views, 
 
 For Julia's hand apply ; 
 The knave to mend his fortune sues, 
 
 The fool to please his eye. 
 
 Ask you how Julia will behave ? 
 
 Depend on't for a rule, 
 If she's a fool she'll wed the knave, 
 
 If she's a knave, the fool. 
 
 581. — The Amorite and Hiitite. — Two Jews were 
 distinguished, one for his skill in pugilism, the other 
 for his fondness of the fair sex. A gentleman being 
 asked to what tribe they belonged, answered, "I 
 don't know ; had they not been Jews, I should have 
 supposed one of them to be an Amorite and the 
 other a Hittite. 
 
THE world's jsst-book. 337 
 
 582. — Cupid's Corporal a General Lover. — Cor- 
 poral James Geer, of the Guards, and Hannah 
 Clarke, a damsel "almost at fainting under that 
 pleasing punishment which women bear," (as our 
 immortal bard saith of ladies in certain delicate si- 
 tuations,) were brought before the magistrates by 
 the overseer of St. Martin's parish, with a view 
 to obtain an order of affiliation upon the said cor- 
 poral. 
 
 Previous to the administration of the oath to the 
 lady, the clerk of the overseers begged to observe, 
 that she was a very dissolute sort of person, and 
 richly deserving of punishment ; for she had boasted 
 in the workhouse, that the father of her first child 
 was a private I the father of her second was a cor- 
 piral/ and the father of her next should be a ser- 
 jeant-'l-md. it was remarked, that at this rate she 
 ; .V : : ¥ 
 
338 WIT AUD wisdom ; OR, 
 
 might go on even to the commander in chief, if she 
 was not stopped. 
 
 Hannah did not deny having made this prolific 
 boast ; on the contrary, she held down her head in 
 silence ; and the magistrate commented severely on 
 her shameless incontinence. 
 
 The oath having been administered to her, she 
 declared Corporal Geer to be the man who had con- 
 quered her virtue in this instance, and his worship 
 asked Corporal Geer what he had to say to it. 
 
 Corporal Geer placed his thumbs down the seams 
 of his trowsers, turned out his toes, drew himself up 
 to the " attention/" point, and said he did not know 
 what to say to it — these accidents would happen 
 sometimes. 
 
 " Then all you have to do," observed the magis- 
 trate, Ci is to give sureties to the parish officers, in or- 
 der that they may not suffer by your accident. You 
 must procure two housekeepers to be bail for you. 
 
 Corporal Geer said he could not procure one. 
 
 (i Then you must go to prison," said his worship. 
 
 The serjeant in attendance, officially, said the 
 corporal was in a very awkward predicament ; for 
 he had already several affairs of the same kind on 
 his hands ; and within the last three weeks he had 
 ' l married one of his ladies." 
 
 « Why, really, corporal, you ought to be ashamed 
 of your conduct !" said one of the magistrates. 
 
 "So I am, sir," replied the corporal ; "but what 
 can I do, sir 1 1 have made one of 'em all the amends 
 I can — by marrying of her." 
 
 " Yes, you marry one, and leave the children of 
 the others to starve, or to be maintained by the 
 public." 
 
 The corporal in reply muttered something about 
 mwrying them all } if the law would let him ; and 
 
the world's jest-book. 339 
 
 the children, be they as many as they might, should 
 all share alike, whatever he had. 
 
 The serjeant said he had no bail to offer, nor 
 would the regiment interfere ; and therefore the 
 corporal was committed to prison to await the order 
 of sessions. 
 
 583. The Law and the Prophets. — An old lady 
 somewhat evangelical, hearing her son slip out an 
 oath on a Sunday, exclaimed, u My dear Richard, 
 what are you about ? What can you think of the 
 law ''and. the prophets V " What do I think of 
 them 1" said he, " why, I think the law pockets the 
 profits most infernally" 
 
 584. — A Spiritless Wife. 
 " Is my wife out of spirits ?" said Jack, with a sigh, 
 
 As her voice of a tempest gave warning ; 
 *' Quite out 9 sir, indeed," said the man in reply, 
 
 " For she emptied the bottle this morning." 
 
 585. — The Irish Weddings. — It is said that an 
 affair of an extraordinary nature occurred lately in 
 the county of Wicklow, which is likely to furnish 
 matter for discussion in one of our law courts. The 
 parties are exceedingly respectable, and it is to be 
 lamented that the occurrence has plunged two 
 famihes into inexpressible grief. Two marriages 
 took place ; the two brides were escorted by their 
 admiring grooms on the wedding-day to an hotel 
 not far from town : they dined, took tea, supped, 
 and then the ladies retired. The gentlemen unfor- 
 tunately sacrificed a little too freely to the jolly god, 
 and on retiring to bed, each entered the wrong 
 apartment. So, indeed, says the Freeman's Jour- 
 nal ; but, for our own parts, we should be happy to 
 learn which of the gods, after quitting the shrine of 
 Hyraenj the Mi$$ had paicl their devotions to, not 
 
340 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 to have prevented so curious a mistake ! We in 
 charity presume that Somnus had thrown his 
 drowsy mantle over them, and who, by the way, is 
 not, in general, the deity a young lady would select 
 as a substitute for love on her bridal night. 
 
 586. — Epitaph on an Innkeeper at Exon. 
 Life's an inn, my house will show it, 
 I thought so once, but now I know it. 
 Man's life is but a winter's day ; 
 Some only breakfast and away ; 
 Others to dinner stay, and are full fed ; 
 The oldest man but sups, and then to bed. 
 Large is his debt who lingers out the day ! 
 He who goes soonest has the least to pay. 
 
 587.— Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund 
 Burke at the Thatched House, where they were 
 served with dishes more elegant than substantial. 
 Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far 
 from relishing kickshaws that were set before him, 
 and addressing his companion, a These dishes, 
 Burke," said he " are admirably calculated for your 
 palate, they are both sublime and beautiful." 
 
 588. — President Washington was the most punc- 
 tual man in his observances of appointments ever 
 known to the writer. He delivered his communi- 
 cations to Congress at the opening of each session 
 in person. He always appointed the hour of twelve 
 at noon for this purpose ; and he never failed to en- 
 ter the hall of Congress while the State-House clock 
 was striking that hour. His invitations to dinner 
 were always tor four o'clock, m. t. He allowed five 
 minutes for the variations of time-pieces, and he 
 waited no longer for any one. Certain lagging mem- 
 bers of Congress sometimes came in when dinner 
 was nearly Jialf over. The writer has heard the 
 
the world's jest-book. 341 
 
 President say to them with a smile, ee Gentlemen, 
 we are too punctual for you : I have a cook who 
 never asks whether the company has come, but whe- 
 ther the hour has come." 
 
 589.— The World, 
 The world's a book, writ by the eternal ai v 
 Of the great Author : printed in man's heart ; 
 'Tis falsely printed, though divinely penn'd, 
 And all the errata will appear at th' end. 
 
 590. — A friend called on Michael Angelo, who 
 was finishing a statue. Some time afterwards he 
 called again ; the sculptor was still at his work. His 
 friend looking at the figure, exclaimed, " You have 
 been idle since I saw you last." " By no means," 
 replied the sculptor ; " I have retouched this part, 
 and polished that ; I have softened this feature, and 
 brought out this muscle ; I have given more expres- 
 sion to this lip, and more energy to this limb." 
 "Well, well," said his friend, "but these are trifles." 
 a It may be so," replied Angelo ; " but recollect 
 that trifles make perfection, and that perfection is 
 no trifle." 
 
 591. — An Orangevjoman. — A certain witty judge, 
 having heard that Miss Nugent was brought up to 
 vote for Mr. Sutter, of Orange notoriety, and being 
 shown the printed list of candidates, on which, un- 
 der the statute of King William, was written, " Good 
 men in bad times." u Ay, bad times indeed," said 
 his lordship, " when the daughter of a respectable 
 man like Mr. Nugent is compelled to turn Orange- 
 woman." 
 
 592.—-Slr Thomas More. — " After he was be- 
 headed, his trunke was interred in Chelsey-church ; 
 his head was fixed on London bridge. There goes 
 this story in the family, viz., that one day, as one 
 
342 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 of his daughters was'passing under the bridge, look- 
 ing on her father's head, said she, ' That head has 
 layne many a time in my lappe, would to God it 
 would fall into my lappe as I pass under ;' she had 
 her wish, and it did fall into her lappe, and is now 
 preserved in a vault in the cathedral church of Can- 
 terbury. The descendant of Sir Thomas is Mr. 
 More of Chelston, in Hertfordshire, where, among 
 a great many things of value plundered by the 
 soldiers, was his chap, which they kept for a relique. 
 Methinks 'tis strange that all this time he is not 
 canonized, for he merited highly of the church." 
 
 593 — Procrastination. 
 When sloth puts urgent business by, 
 To-morrow's a new day, she'll cry ; 
 And all her morrows prove it true, 
 They're never used, and therefore new. 
 
 594. — One Terence M'Manus, in the north of Ire- 
 land, lately taken up for sheep -stealing, wrote an 
 account of the same to his friend, in the following 
 words : — " As we wished to have some mutton to 
 our turnips, we went to Squire Carroll, who had 
 more sheep than is neibors ; they were very wilde, 
 and the pastur very large, and we were obliged 
 to take a new method to entice them by force to 
 come near us. As this method may be of some ser- 
 vice to you to no, I think it my duty to tell you of 
 it : Pat Duggon and me wrapt ourselves up in hay, 
 and as the sheep came round to ate it, we cut their 
 throats. But a sarch being made, five quarters be- 
 longing to two of them was found in my cabin." 
 
 595. — " How does your new-purchased horse an- 
 swer ?" said the late Duke of Cumberland to George 
 Selwyn. " I really don't know," replied George, 
 te for I never asked him a question*" 
 
the world's jest-book. 343 
 
 596.— Equality. 
 
 I dreanrd, that buried in my fellow clay, 
 
 Close by a beggar's side I lay : 
 
 And as so mean a neighbour shocked my pride 
 
 Thus, like a corse of consequence, I cried — 
 
 Ci Scoundrel, begone ! and henceforth touch me 
 
 not : 
 More manners learn, and at a distance rot." 
 " How ! scoundrel !" in a haughtier tone, cried he, 
 " Proud lump of dirt, I scorn thy words and thee ; 
 Here all are equal ; now thy case is mine ; 
 This is my rotiing-place, and that is thine." 
 
 597. — Crebillon was unfortunate in his family. 
 His wife was suspected of infidelity, and his son was 
 licentious in his writings and in his conduct. His 
 enemies gave out that his plays were written by a 
 brother of his, who was a clergyman. As a proof 
 of this, they said that his brother at his death had 
 finished four acts of Catiline, and that Crebillon 
 himself was obliged to add the fifth. Which is very 
 inferior to the rest, and condemned the play. One 
 day he was saying in a company, in which his son 
 was present, " I hare done two things in my life 
 which I shall always repent — my Catiline and my 
 son." " And yet, sir," said his son, " there are many 
 persons who affirm that you are the author of 
 neither.", 
 
 593. — Miles Fleetwood, Recorder of London. — 
 * When King James came into England, he made 
 his harangue to the city of London, wherein was 
 this passage : ( When I consider your wisdom, I 
 admire your wealth.' It was a two-handed rhetor- 
 ication ; but the citizen tooke it all in the best sense. . 
 He was a very severe hanger of highwaymen, s© 
 that the fraternity were resolved to make an exam- 
 
344 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 pie of his worship, which they executed in this 
 manner : — They lay in wayte for him not far from 
 Tyburne, as he was to come from his house in 
 Buckinghamshire ; had a halter in readinesse, 
 brought him under the gallows, fastened the rope 
 about his neck, his hands tyed behind him, (and his 
 servants bound,) and then left him to the mercy of 
 the horse, which he called Ball. So he cried, ' Ho, 
 Ball ! Ho, Ball !' and it pleased God that his horse 
 stood still till somebody came along, which was 
 halfe an houre or more. He ordered that his horse 
 should be kept as long as he would live, which was 
 so." 
 
 599. — A person had been relating many incredi- 
 ble stories, when Professor Engel, who \tas present, 
 in order to repress his impertinence, said, a But, 
 gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when 
 I can assure you that the celebrated organist, Abbe 
 Vogler, once imitated a thunder storm so well, that 
 for miles round all the milk turned sour." 
 
 600. — A barrister entered the hall with his wig 
 very much awry, of which he was not at all ap- 
 prized, but was obliged to endure, from almost 
 every observer, some remark on its appearance, till 
 at last addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked 
 him, u Do you see any thing ridiculous in this wig ?" 
 The answer instantly was, " Nothing but the head." 
 
 601. — Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish 
 gentleman, just arrived in England, could mean by 
 perpetually putting out his tongue. " I suppose," 
 replied the wit, " he's trying to catch the English 
 accent. 19 
 
 602. — A certain young clergyman, modest, almost 
 to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothe- 
 cary, of a contrary character, in a public and 
 \rowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient 
 
the world's jest-book. 345 
 
 to catch the attention of the whole company, " How 
 it happened that the patriarchs lived to such ex- 
 treme old age ?" To which question he immediately 
 replied, " Perhaps they took no physic." 
 
 603. — An officer who was quartered in a country 
 town, being once asked to a ball, was observed 
 to sit sullen in a corner for some hours. One of 
 the ladies present, being desirous of rousing him 
 from his reverie, accosted him with, " Pray, sir, are 
 you not fond of dancing ?" " I am very fond of dan- 
 cing, madam," was the reply. " Then why not ask 
 some of the ladies that are "disengaged to be your 
 partner, and strike up V " Why, madam, to be frank 
 with you, I do not see one handsome woman in 
 the room." " Sir, yours, et cetera" said the lady, 
 and with a slight courtesy left him, and joined her 
 companions, who asked her what had been her con- 
 versation with the captain. " It was too good to be 
 repeated in prose," said she ; " lend me a pencil, 
 and I will try to give you the outline in rhyme." 
 
 " So, sir, you rashly vow and swear, 
 
 You'll dance with none that are not fair. 
 
 Suppose we women should dispense 
 
 Our hand to none but men of sense." 
 
 " Suppose ! well, madam, pray what then I" 
 
 u Why, sir, you d never dance again" 
 
 604. — The emperor Rodolphus Austriacus being 
 at Nuremberg upon public business, a merchant 
 came before him with a complaint against an inn- 
 keeper, who had cheated him of a bag of money 
 which he. had deposited in his hands, but which 
 theothe$ "enied ever having received. The- em- 
 peror asked v h? f — ' v-~~ he had of the fact ; aud 
 the merchant replied, that no seI eon wa » at P -U 
 privy to the affair but the two parties. * iie em " 
 
346 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 peror next inquired what kind of a bag it was ; and 
 when the merchant had described it particularly, 
 he was ordered to withdraw into the next room. 
 The emperor was about to send for the innkeeper, 
 when, fortunately, the man came himself just in 
 time, with the principal inhabitants of the place, to 
 wait upon his majesty. The emperor knew him 
 very well ; and as Rodolphus was very pleasant in 
 his manner, he accosted him familiarly, saying, 
 " You have a handsome cap, pray give it to me, and 
 let us exchange." The innkeeper, being very proud 
 of this distinction, readily presented his cap ; and 
 his majesty soon after retiring, sent a trusty and 
 well-known inhabitant of the city to the wife of the 
 host, saying, " Your husband desires you would send 
 him such a bag of money, for he has a special occa- 
 sion for it ; and by this token he has sent his cap." 
 The woman delivered the bag without any suspicion, 
 and the messenger returned with it to the emperor, 
 who asked the merchant if he knew it, and he 
 owned it with joy. Next the host was called in, to 
 whom the emperor said, u This man accuses you of 
 having defrauded him of a bag of money committed 
 to your trust ; what say you to the charge ?" The 
 innkeeper boldly said, " It was a lie, or that the man 
 must be mad, for he had never any concerns with 
 him whatever." Upon this the emperor produced 
 the bag ; at the sight of which the host was so con- 
 founded, that he stammered out a confession of his 
 guilt. The merchant received his money, and the 
 culprit was fined very heavily for his guilt, while all 
 Germany resounded in praise of the sagacity of the 
 emperor. 
 
 605. — A very talkative lady received a visit from 
 a gentleman, who was introduced to her as a man 
 >f great taste and learning. She, in order to court 
 
the world's jest-book. 347 
 
 his admiration, displayed her knowledge and her 
 wit with an unceasing rapidity. Being asked her 
 opinion of her new acquaintance, she said she was 
 never more charmed with the company of any man. 
 A general laugh ensued ; the gentleman was dumb, 
 and had kept up the conversation only with nods and 
 seniles. 
 
 606. — A man, who was on the point of being 
 married, obtained from his confessor his certificate 
 of confession. Having read it, he observed that the 
 priest had omitted the usual penance. " Did you 
 not tell me/' said the confessor, " that you were go- 
 ing to be married 1" 
 
 607. — Father Jackson, a Jesuit, was a missionary 
 at the isle Ouessant. After having particularly in- 
 structed the chief of these islanders, he was made 
 priest and rector of the island. He went every 
 year to Brest, in November or December, to make 
 his purchases, and above all to buy an almanack, 
 his precious and only guide to the day of the month 
 on which the moveable feasts fell. One year, the 
 weather was so bad, that it was impossible for him 
 to embark before the end of March, yet still they 
 were enjoying flesh days in the island by the e^am 
 pie of their rector, while all the rest of Christendom 
 was fasting. At last our pastor goes to Brest, where 
 ne learns that it is Passion week, and having pro- 
 vided himself with every thing, he returns home 
 On the Sunday following, he gets up in his pulpit 
 and announces to his nock the involuntary erroi 
 he has committed; "But," he adds, "the evil it; 
 not much, and we'll soon catch the rest of the faith- 
 ful. That all may be in rule, the three flesh days 
 shall be to-day, to-morrow, and Tuesday ; the day 
 following shall be Ash- Wednesday ; the rest of the 
 
348 WIT AND WISDOM J OH, 
 
 week we'll fast ; and on Sunday we'll sing Hallelu- 
 jah." 
 
 608. — Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of 
 war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, look- 
 ing on Haslar Hospital, observed, " How much that 
 building puts me in mind of my father's stab!es," 
 ft Arrah, my honey," cries the other, "come with 
 me, and I will show you what will put you in mind of 
 your father's house." So saying, he led him to the 
 pig-sty ; " There," said he, " does not that put you 
 in mind of your father's parlour ?" 
 
 609. — Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in 
 winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in 
 furs, asked him how he could endure to go so ? The 
 man of many wants replied, " Why, sir, you go with 
 your face bare ; I am all face." A good reply, for 
 a regular beggar, whether taken in a jocose or a 
 philosophical sense. 
 
 610. — Peter the Great was jealous to fury. He 
 once broke to pieces a fine Venetian glass in one of 
 his frenzies, saying to his wife, * You see it needed 
 but one blow of my arm to make this glass return 
 to the dust whence it came 1" Catherine answered, 
 with her natural gentleness and sweetness, " You 
 have destroyed the finest ornament in your palace ; 
 do you think you have made it more splendid ?" 
 
 611. — When it was debated about sending bishops 
 to America, much was said pro. and con. One gen- 
 tleman wondered that any one should object to it. 
 f For my part," said he, " I wish all our bishops 
 were sent to America." 
 
 612. — An Irishman telling what he called an ex- 
 cellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met 
 with it in a book published many years ago. " Con- 
 found these ancients," said Teague, "they are always 
 stealing one's good thoughts." 
 
the world's jest-book. 349 
 
 613.— The King and the Courtier. — A king, a 
 courtier, and other persons, being thrown by ship- 
 wreck upon a strange land, from which there was 
 no hope of returning, the inhabitants, after reliev- 
 ing them, asked them what they could do for the 
 common good. Some of them said they could help 
 in this and that business ; others, that they pos- 
 sessed this and that amusing art ; and occupation 
 w as given them accordingly. The king and courtier, 
 who Lad not opened their lips, being then examined, 
 the king replied, that his talent lay in wearing 
 something particular on his head, costing fifty times 
 as much as a dozen great families, and looking ex- 
 tremely majestic on holidays ; all which, he said, 
 procured a great deal of comfort to a nation, and 
 equal respect from its rivals. He added, that it 
 was part of his business to beget similar great men 
 for the benefit of his countiy ; and that this branch 
 of his possession was a privilege confined to his 
 family. Being asked if his family were as remark- 
 able for their health as their other virtues, he said 
 with an aspect of great dignity, that the offspring of 
 the most diseased or oldest gentleman of his race 
 was more desirable for the state, than that of the 
 healthiest or finest of any other. The people, after 
 an involuntary pause, during which they conferred 
 a little with each other, turned to the courtier, who 
 said, that for his part, it was his business to add 
 splendour to his majesty the king, which he did 
 chiefly by putting on his clothes for him, making 
 him low bows, and having a very large estate. The 
 people, who were a very humane race, listened to 
 the king and the courtier with extreme mildness 
 and gravity, taking them in fact for a couple of mad- 
 men ; for they had been a flourishing nation for 
 many centuries without any officers of that kind, 
 
850 "WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 and could have no conception of such extraordinary 
 utilities. They therefore consigned the king to 
 apartments in a hospital for invalids, and continued 
 the courtier with him in his usual capacity. 
 
 614, — Reason or no Reason. — When Mahomet 
 pretended that he had received his Koran from hea- 
 ven, and yet refused to give any proofs of it but 
 such as were to be found in the book itself, an Ara- 
 bian asked him why he might not believe in the 
 Christian books by the same reason. "You have 
 nothing to do with reason in such matters," answered 
 Mahomet, "and I'll tell you why." "Nay," re- 
 turned the other, "you have no right to give me a 
 reason against reason itself. Either you must allow 
 me to be of any religion I please, for no reason at 
 all ; or we must reason about the matter at last." 
 
 615.— On the same Subject. — Mahomet meeting 
 the same Arabian one day after the above argument 
 said to him with a sarcastic air, " So, you think that 
 reason settles every thing ! What is the reason that 
 you lost your camels the other day, and that there 
 is such a thing in the world as theft ?" " I never 
 said," replied the Arabian, "that reason settled 
 every thing ; but it does not follow, that I am to 
 admit any thing you please to tell me. This were 
 to lose my reason as well as my camels ; and I al- 
 low I see no reason for that." 
 
 616. — The Wonderful Physician. — One morning 
 at daybreak a father came into his son's bedchamber, 
 and told him that a wonderful stranger was to be 
 seen. " You are sick," said he, " and fond of great 
 shows: Here are no quack-doctors now nor keep- 
 ing of beds. A remarkable being is announced all 
 over the town, who not only heals the sick, but 
 makes the very grass grow ; and what is more, he 
 Is to rise out of the sea," The froy ? though he was 
 
the world's jest-book. 351 
 
 of a lazy habit, and did not like to be waked, jumped 
 up at hearing of such an extraordinary exhibition, and 
 hastened with his father to the door of the house, 
 which stood upon the sea-shore. " There," said the 
 father, pointing to the sun, which at the moment 
 sprung out of the ocean like a golden world, " there, 
 foolish boy, you who get me so many expenses, with 
 your lazy diseases, and yourself into so many trou- 
 bles, behold at last a remedy, cheap, certain, and 
 delightful. Behold at last a physician, who has 
 only to look in your face every morning at this 
 same hour, and you will be surely well." 
 
 617. — "Why ghtters gold upon the most prominent 
 station of our cathedral ?" asks Mr. Brown of Par- 
 son Birch. " Why," replies the divine, with much 
 simplicity, "it is the highest object of the church." 
 
 618. — A Considerate Husband. — A man of the 
 name of Marley was sentenced to be hanged at the 
 last assizes, for stealing a mare, but has since been 
 respited. Marley's contrivance to make money, 
 during the few days he had to live, deserves to be 
 recorded for its novelty and ingenuity. He actu- 
 ally made application to be permitted to perform 
 the office of executioner on a person who was to 
 suffer before him, stating, " he would earn thereby 
 a certain sum ; and if the favour was granted him, 
 of allowing his wife to hang himself, he was sure 
 she would do it as well and as tenderly as any per- 
 son'that could be found ; and the creature," he said, 
 "would then have, by the produce of both jobs, 
 wherewithal to pay her rent." 
 
 619. — A lady some time back, on a visit to the 
 British Museum, asked the person in attendance 
 if they had a slcidl of Oliver Cromwell ? Being an- 
 swered in the negative, " Dear me," said she, "that's 
 very strange ; they haye gne q$ Oxford," 
 
352 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 620. — The following was lately extracted from a 
 provincial paper : " Wanted, a footman and house- 
 maid, who can neither write nor read writing. The 
 advertiser is induced to make this application 
 through a newspaper, as he has not been able to meet 
 with such qualifications ; and having suffered much 
 inconvenience from his letters, notes and papers be- 
 ing inspected by his servants ; afterwards becoming 
 the conversation of the servant's-hall, and, in course 
 the whole village. None need apply who have been 
 at a writing-school." 
 
 621. — Brute Sagacity. — A circumstance was re- 
 lated to us when a boy, by a person who, like Cob- 
 bett, was once a Serjeant in the army, and which we 
 never recollect to have seen in print. This indivi- 
 dual served at one time in Gibraltar. There are a 
 good many goats that scramble about within the 
 precincts of the garrison ; and at one point of the 
 huge rock there is a goat-road leading down to the 
 water's edge. This imperceptible track, however, 
 is so excessively narrow, that only one goat can 
 travel by it at a time, while even a single false step, 
 or the slightest attempt to run to the right or the 
 left, would infallibly precipitate the bearded travel- 
 ler from the top to the bottom. It happened that one 
 goat was going down while another happened be 
 ascending the path, and the two meeting in the mid- 
 dle, instinctively, and not without fear and trem- 
 bling, made a dead stop. To attempt to turn aside was 
 instant death, and although the topmost goat could 
 have easily pushed his brother out of the way, he 
 was too generous to take such an advantage. At last, 
 after deep cogitation and much deliberation, they 
 hit upon a scheme which even man, with all his 
 boasted wisdom, could not have surpassed ; that is, 
 the one goat lay quietly and cautiously down on ail 
 
the_ world's jest-book. 353 
 
 fours, and allowed the other to march right over 
 his body, to the great delight of the persons who 
 witnessed this singular dilemma. 
 
 622. — Lord Chancellor Hyde. — Bishop Burnet 
 relates, that the father of Hyde, when he first be- 
 came known at the bar, took him aside one day and 
 spoke as follows : " Men of your profession are apt 
 to stretch the prerogative too far, and injure li- 
 berty. I charge you never to sacrifice the laws and 
 liberty of your country to your own interest or the 
 will of your prince. This honest charge he re- 
 peated twice, and immediately fell into a fit, of 
 which he died in a few hours. 
 
 623. — The most diligent Bishop. — Now I would 
 ask a strange question : Which is the most diligent 
 Bishop in all England ? Methinks I see you listen- 
 ing and hearkening that I should name him. I will 
 tell you ; it is Satan ! He is the most skilful 
 preacher of all others : he is never out of his 
 diocese ; never out of his cure ; he is ever in his 
 parish ; he keepeth watch at all times — ye shall 
 never find him out of the way ; call when you will, 
 he is ever at home. But some will say to me, 
 u What, sir, are ye so privy of his counsel that ye 
 know all this to be true ?" " Truly, I know him too 
 well, and have obeyed him a little too much ; but I 
 know, by St. Paul, who saith of him, Circuit, he 
 goeth about in every corner of his diocese — sicut 
 leo 9 that is, strongly, boldly, and proudly ; — rugiens, 
 roaring, for he letteth no occasion slip to speak or 
 roar out ; — quoerens, seeking, and not sleeping, as our 
 bishops do. So that he shall go for my money, for 
 he minds his business. Therefore, ye unpreaching 
 prelates, if ye will not learn of good men, for shame 
 learn of the devil. 
 
351 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 624. — A street in Trowbridge has been named 
 Heavenly-street, from seven persons of the name of 
 Angel, two of the name of Church, four of the name 
 of Parsons, and one of the name of Cleric, residing 
 in it. 
 
 625. — Military Bon-Mot. The cautious conduct 
 of a commander of the Allied Army at the battle of 
 Fontenoy, called forth the ridicule of his friends, 
 and procured him the jocular appellation of The 
 Confectioner ; for, being asked why he did not move 
 forward to the front with more rapidity, he replied, 
 u I am preserving my men." 
 
 626. — It was said of Boulter (a better sort of 
 highwayman, that one day riding on horseback, on 
 the high road, he met a young woman who was 
 weeping, and who appeared to be in great distress. 
 Touched with compassion, he asked what was the 
 cause of^her affliction ; when she told him, without 
 knowing who he was, that a creditor, attended by a 
 bailiff, had gone to a house which she pointed out, 
 and had threatened to take her husband to prison 
 for a debt of thirty guineas. Boulter gave her the 
 thirty guineas, telling her to go and pay the debt, 
 and set her husband at liberty ; and she ran off, 
 loading the honest gentlemen with benedictions. 
 Boulter, in the mean time, waited on the road till 
 he saw the creditor come out ; he then attached him, 
 and took back the thirty guineas, besides every 
 thing else he had about him. 
 
 627. — Conjugal Tenderness. — After the fatal duel 
 between the Duke of Hamilton and Lord Mohun, in 
 which both fell mortally wounded at the first ex- 
 charge of shots, the body of the latter was conveyed 
 to h s own house in Gerard- Street. The only sen- 
 sation his lady is said to have felt on the occa- 
 sion, was extreme displeasure that the bloody corpse 
 
the world's jest-book. 355 
 
 of her husband should have been flung upon her 
 " best bed," to the great detriment of her splendid 
 counterpane and furniture. 
 
 628. — A boy having run away from school to go 
 to sea, his friends wrote to him, " That death would 
 be perpetually staring him in the face ;" to which 
 he replied, " Well, what of that ? every ship is pro- 
 vided with shrouds." 
 
 629. — An amorous youth and a blooming damsel, 
 within one hundred miles of Ulverston, having re- 
 solved to tie the matrimonial noose, had the banns 
 published ; but the sighing swain, finding himself 
 deficient in the " needful," canvassed all his friends 
 for a supply, but in vain. Not to be driven from 
 his purpose by trifling discouragement, he ordered 
 the bride and her friends to repair to church, while 
 he again scoured the town for cash. Finding his 
 second application equally as unsuccessful as his 
 first, he resolutely enlisted into the Lancashire Mi- 
 litia, got married with part of the bounty, handed 
 the rest to the smiling bride, and thus became a son 
 of Mars and a disciple of Hymen at the same time. 
 
 630. — Dr. Young and Ms Booksellers. — Tonson 
 and Lintot were both candidates for printing a 
 work of Dr. Young's. The poet answered both let- 
 ters the same morning, but misdirected them. In 
 these epistles he complains of the rascally cupidity 
 of each. He told Tonson that Lintot was so great a 
 scoundrel, that printing with him was out of the 
 question ; and writing to the latter, decided that 
 Tonson was an old rascal, but, &c, and then makes 
 the election in his favour. 
 
 631. — A ludicrous scene took place lately. As 
 one of the itinerant showmen was passing through 
 Long-lane to Smithneld, the axle-tree of his caravan 
 broke, and discharged his cargo into the street. 
 
356 WIT AND WISDOM \ OR, 
 
 Several monkeys were instantly seen running in 
 different directions, one of which took refuge in a 
 cook-shop, to the no small discomfiture of the mas- 
 ter cook and his hungry guests. Pug 9 without 
 waiting to examine the hill of fare, placed himself 
 by a dish of ready-sliced plum-pudding, and, satis 
 ceremonie, helped himself ; and all remonstrance on 
 the part of the cook could not persuade him to re- 
 linquish his delicious repast, until his master, by 
 force of arms, dislodged him from the luxurious 
 banquet. 
 
 632. — A lady, the other day, was asked by an 
 envious female acquaintance, her age. " Really," 
 said she, "I do not know, but I must be about 
 thirty." " It is very extraordinary," replied the 
 other with a sneer, u that you do not know your 
 age." " I never count my years," said the lady; 
 " T am not afraid of losing a single year ; none of 
 my female friends will rob me of one." 
 
 633. — Dr. Johnson's Scale of Liquors. — Claret 
 for boys, — Port for men, — Brandy for heroes. 
 * Then," said Mr. Burke, * let me have claret ; I 
 love to be a boy ; to have the careless gaiety of 
 boyish days." Johnson replied, "I should drink 
 claret too, if it would give me that ; but it does not : 
 it neither makes boys men, nor men boys. You'll 
 be drowned by it before it has any effect upon 
 you." 
 
 634. — Expensive gallantry. — Among the facetias 
 of Charles the Second's days, it was the custom, 
 when a gentleman drank a lady's health as a toast, 
 by way of doing her greater honour, to throw some 
 part of his dress into the fire, an example which his 
 companions were bound to follow, by consuming the 
 same article of their apparel, whatever it might be. 
 An acquaintance perceiving at a tavern dinner that 
 
THE world's jest-book. 357 
 
 Sir Charles Sedley (the gay licentious wit and 
 versifier) had a very rich lace cravat, when he 
 named his toast, committed his cravat to the flames, 
 as a burnt offering to the temporary divinity ; and 
 Sir Charles was of course obliged, along with the 
 rest, to do the same. He complied with good hu- 
 mour, saying it was a good joke, but that he would 
 have as good a one some time. Accordingly, at a 
 subsequent meeting of the same party, he toasted 
 Nell Gwynne ; and calling in a tooth-drawer he had 
 in waiting, made him draw a decayed tooth which 
 it was a blessing to lose. His companions begged 
 him to be merciful, and wave the custom ; but 
 he was inexorable, and added to their mortification 
 by repeating, " Patience, patience, gentlemen, you 
 know you promised I should have my frolic too.*' 
 
 635. — Thr ale's Entire. — On the death of Mr. 
 Thrale, it was believed that Dr. Johnson wanted to 
 wed his rich widow, and "An Ode to Mrs. Thrale, 
 by Samuel Johnson, L.L.D., on their approaching 
 nuptials," was published by the wags, of which the 
 following is a specimen : — 
 
 "If e'er my finger touch'd the lyre 
 In satire fierce, in pleasure gay, 
 
 Shall not my Thralia's smiles inspire % 
 Shall Sam refuse the sportive lay \ 
 
 My dearest lady, view your slave ; 
 
 Behold him as your very scrub, 
 Eager to write, as author grave, 
 
 Or govern well the brewing-tub. 
 
 To rich felicity thus rais'd, 
 
 My bosom glows with amorous fire ; 
 
 Porter no longer shall he prais'd, 
 "lis I myself am Thrales Entire:* 
 
353 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 636.— Anecdote of the Court. — When his Ma- 
 jesty was in Edinburgh, and after he had held the 
 levee, dressed, out of compliment to his northern 
 subjects, " in the garb of old Gaul ;" it became a 
 matter of etiquette discussion, whether or not it 
 would be proper to hold the drawing-room in the 
 same uniform of plaid and kilt, The Peeresses and 
 other ladies held a council upon the subject, at 
 which opinions ran almost universally against this 
 mode of adorning the Royal Person. It was ob- 
 served, however, that Lady H had said no- 
 thing, and as she Iras great influence, her judgment 
 was solicited. " Why," replied she, " I am sorry, 
 ladies, to differ so much from all your sentiments ; 
 but it does appear to me that, as his Majesty is to 
 stay so short a time with us, we ought certainly to 
 see as much of him as we can.''* 
 
 637. — Curious Anecdote. — Mr. Coke, of Longford, 
 (brother to Mr. Coke of Norfolk,) is the lather of 
 several accomplished daughters. One of the 
 tenants on his estate, a young farmer of superior 
 attainments^ had become in arrears for his rent ; 
 his landlord expostulated with him on the subject, 
 and hinted that, with his handsome person, he might 
 easily obtain a wife among some of his richer 
 neighbours, that would soon enable him to pay off 
 his arrears, and place him in better circumstan- 
 ces. The young farmer listened, looked thought- 
 ful, and departed. In a few days he returned, 
 and told his landlord he had been reileering se- 
 riously on their last conversation, and would follow 
 his counsel. At this interview one of the daugh- 
 ters of his wealthy landlord was present. In a 
 short time afterwards it was discovered that John 
 Greensmith (the name of the young farmer) had 
 effectually taken the hint, and, by an elopement 
 
THE WORLD'S JfcSS-BOOX. 359 
 
 to Gretna-Green, had become the dutiful son-in- 
 law of the gentleman who had thus, unwittingly, 
 bestowed upon him his sage advice. 
 
 638. — Curious Dialogue. — "Where the — — do 
 you come from ?" said Wilkes to a beggar in the 
 Isle of Wight. " From the lower regions." 6< What 
 is going on there ?" Much the same as here." 
 " What's that ?" « The rich taken in, and the poor 
 kept out." 
 
 639. — The Hon. K. C observed, in allusion to 
 
 a recent important death, that " the fundholders 
 had now no chance, for that Castlereagh, after hav- 
 ing sold Ireland and pawned England, had gone 
 below with the duplicate in his pocket /" 
 
 640. — When Sir William Curtis returned from 
 his voyage to Italy and Spain, he called to pay his 
 respects to Mr. Canning, at Gloucester Lodge. 
 Among other questions, Sir William said, " But 
 pray, Mr. Canning, what do you say to the tunnel 
 under the Thames ?" " Say," replied the Secretary, 
 " why, I say it will be the greatest bore London ever 
 had, and that is saying a great deal." 
 
 641. — An Epitaph. 
 " Remember me as you pass by, 
 As you are now so once was I ; 
 As I am now so you must be, 
 Therefore prepare to follow me." 
 
 Underneath these lines, some one wrote in blue 
 paint, 
 
 " To follow you I'm not content, 
 Unless I knew which way you went." 
 
 642. — Negro Wit. — A short time since, a gentle- 
 man driving on the road between Little River and 
 Brighton, was overtaken by a negro boy on a mule, 
 
360 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 who attempted for a long while, without success, 
 to make the animal pass the carriage. At length 
 the boy exclaimed to his beast, " I'll bet you a fip- 
 penny I. make you pass this time ;" and after a short 
 pause, again said, " you bet ? — very well." The boy 
 repeated the blows with renewed vigour, and at last 
 sccceeded in making him pass : when the gentle- 
 man, who overheard the conversation between 
 Quaco and his steed, said to him, " Well, my boy, 
 now you have won, how are you going to make the 
 mule pay you ?" " Oh, sir," says Quaco, " me 
 make him pay me very well ; Massa give me one 
 tenpenny for buy him grass, and me only buy him a 
 fippenny worth I" 
 
 643.— An Irish Bull 
 
 A worthy baronet, of Erin's clime, 
 Had a famed telescope in his possession, 
 
 And on a time 
 Of its amazing powers he made profession. 
 " Yon church," cried he, K is distant near a mile, 
 Yet when I view it steady, for awhile, 
 Upon a bright and sunny day, 
 My glass, so strong and clear, 
 Does bring the church so near, 
 That often / can hear the organ play." 
 
 644. — A Curious Epitaph. — Some years since, a 
 Mr. Dickson, who was provost of Dundee, in Scot- 
 land, died ; and by will left the sum of one guinea 
 to a person to compose an epitaph upon him ; 
 which sum he directed his three executors to pay. 
 The executors, thinking to defraud the poet, agreed 
 to meet and share the guinea amongst them, each 
 contributing a line to the epitaph, which ran as 
 follows : — 
 
the world's jest-book. 361 
 
 First. " Here lies Dickson, Provost of Dundee." 
 Second. " Here lies Dickson, here lies he." 
 
 The Third was put to it for a long time, but un- 
 willing to lose his share of the guinea, vociferously 
 bawled out, 
 
 « Hallelujah, halleluje." 
 
 045. — On one wJio was ruined by gaining a 
 Law-suit. 
 
 Whoe'er takes counsel of his friends, 
 Will ne'er take counsel of the law ; 
 
 Whate'er his means, whate'er his ends, 
 Still he shall no advantage draw. 
 
 Justice it vain may urge her plea, 
 May show that all is right and fair ; 
 
 The lawyer, too, has had his fee, 
 
 And gain'd your suit — but left you bare. 
 
 646. — Cramer, the excellent leader of the royal 
 band, had long wished to have a black man to beat 
 the kettle-drum. His majesty, who had an uncon- 
 querable antipathy to blacks being near his person, 
 opposed the desire of the leader. At last, Cramer 
 appointed to the kettle-drum a person, who, though 
 an European, had a complexion that, at a short dis- 
 tance, would render the quarter of the world where 
 he was born a matter of doubt. On the first night 
 of this swarthy gentleman's appearance in his new 
 office, his majesty, when he entered the music-room, 
 seemed at first startled and displeased, but after 
 approaching a little nearer, he called Cramer to 
 him, — " I see, sir," said the king, a you wish to ac- 
 custom me to a black drummer by degrees." 
 
362 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 647. — A Lover's Request 
 " Oh, spare me, dear angel, one lock of your hair," 
 
 A bashful young lover -took courage, and sighed. 
 « 'Twere a sin to refuse you so modest a prayer, 
 So take the whole wig," the sweet creature re- 
 plied. 
 
 648.—On the death of Bishop L , Dr. King, 
 
 then Bishop of Dublin, who expected to be made 
 primate, was passed over as being too old to be re- 
 moved. The reason assigned for the refusal was as 
 mortifying as the refusal itself. When the new pri- 
 mate, Dr. B , called upon him, he received him 
 
 sitting, saying with a significant smile, " My lord, I 
 am certain your grace will pardon me, as you know 
 / am too old to rise?' 
 
 64.9.- — To Captain Parry, the Polar Navigator, on 
 his giving a Fete on board the Hecla. 
 Dear Captain Parry, you are right 
 
 To give the belles a levee : 
 God grant your dancing may be light, 
 For, Oh ! your booh is heavy. 
 
 650 — .Shalsspeare's Love-Letter. — The following is 
 said to have been from the pen of Shakspeare, and 
 addressed to the lady he afterwards married. It is 
 inscribed to the " Idol of mine eyes and the delight 
 of my heart, Anne Hathaway." 
 
 Would ye be taught, ye feather'd throng, 
 With love's sweet notes to grace your song, 
 To pierce the heart with thrilling lay, 
 Listen to mine, A nne Hathaway ! 
 She hath a way to sing so clear, 
 Phoebus might, wondering, stop to hear : 
 
 
THE world's jest-book. 363 
 
 To melt the sad, make blithe the gay. 
 Aud Nature charm, Anne, hath a way : 
 
 She hath a way. 
 
 Anne Hathaway, 
 To breathe delight Anne hath a way. 
 
 When envy's breath and rane'rous loolh 
 
 Do soil and bite lair worth and truth, 
 
 And merit to distress betray, 
 
 To soothe the heart Anne hath a icay. 
 
 She hath a way to chase despair, 
 
 To heal all grief, to cure all care : 
 
 Turn foulest night to fairest day. 
 
 Thou know'st fond heart Anne hath a way* 
 
 She hath a way, 
 
 Anne Hathaway, 
 To make grief bliss Anne hath a way. 
 
 Talk not of gems, — the orient list^ 
 The diamond, topaz, amethyst, 
 The em'rald mild, the ruby gay : 
 Talk of my gem, Anne Hathaway ! 
 She hath a way with her bright eve 
 Their various lustre to defy ; 
 The jewel she, the foil they, 
 So sweet to look Anne hath a way. 
 
 She hath a way, 
 
 Anne Ha th aw a y , 
 To shame bright gems Anne hath a way* 
 
 But were it to my fancy giv'n 
 
 To rate her charms, I'd call them heaven ; 
 
 For though a mortal made of clay, 
 
 Angels must love Anne Hathaway ; 
 
 She hath a vxiy so to control, 
 
 To rapture the imprisoned soul 
 
364 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 And sweetest heav'n on earth display, 
 That to be heaven Anne hath a way ; 
 She hath a way 
 Anne Hathaway, 
 To be heaven's self Anne hath a way. 
 Anne Hathaway was eight years older than Shaks- 
 peare, but still only in her 26th year when he mar- 
 ried ; " an age," says Dr. Drake, " compatible with 
 youth and with the most alluring beauty." As the 
 same learned writer and biographer asserts that not 
 so much as a fragment of the bard's poetry ad- 
 dressed to his Warwickshire beauty has been rescued 
 from oblivion, we may well conclude thr,t the poem 
 just cited is spurious ; but that Shakspeare had an 
 early disposition to write such verses, we may con- 
 clude, from what he says in Love's Labour Lost, 
 Act IV. sc. 3 :— 
 
 Ci Never durst poet touch a pen to write, 
 Until his ink was tempered with love's sighs." 
 
 651. — To- Morrow. 
 To-morrow you will live, you always cry, 
 In what fair country does this morrow lie, 
 That 'tis so mighty long ere it arrive — 
 Beyond the Indies does this morrow live? 
 'Tis so far-feteh'd, this morrow, that 1 fear 
 'Twill be both very old and very dear. 
 To-morrow I will live, the fool does say ; 
 To-day itself's too late, the wise lived yesterday. 
 652. — A report having been circulated in the four 
 courts of the death of a certain great law lord, he 
 himself was supposed to have been the author of it, 
 for the purpose of affording him the opportunitv of 
 giving the following lines to the public, and of en- 
 joying the merit of them in his life-time : — 
 He's dead ! alas ! facetious punster, 
 Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir : 
 
the world's jest-book, 365 
 
 From heaven's high court a tipstaff's sent, 
 To call him to his punishment — 
 Stand to your ropes, ye sextons, ring, 
 Let all your clappers ding dong ding ! 
 Nor bury him without his due, 
 He was himself a Toler* too ! 
 
 * Lord Norbury's name. 
 
 653. — Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing 
 together, one asked the other if ever he had gone 
 through Euclid? The reply was, "I have never 
 been farther from Liverpool than Runcorn, and I 
 don't recollect any place of that name between 
 Liverpool and there." 
 
 654. — On Self-conceit. 
 Hail charming power of self opinion ; 
 For none are slaves in thy dominion ; 
 Secure in thee, the mind's at ease ; 
 The vain have only one to please. 
 
 655. — A countryman a few days back passing 
 through Temple-bar in company with a friend in 
 town, asked him the following question : — " Be that 
 High-gate 7" 
 
 656. — Who's the Dupe? — A poor actor at Nor- 
 wich, personating Granger, in the farce of " Who's 
 the Dupe ?" on his benefit night, which turned out a 
 very wet evening, and occasioned a bad house, in 
 reply * o Gradus's Greek quotation, where Old Doily 
 sits as umpire, began thus : — " raino nighto / 
 spoilo benefito quito." 
 
 657. — Short-hand Question and Answer.— A gen- 
 tleman remarkable for his fund of humour, wrote to 
 a female relative the following couplet : — 
 
 How comes it, this delightful weather, 
 That JJ and / can't dine together 
 
366 wrr and wisdom ; or, 
 
 To which she return'd the following reply : — 
 
 My worthy friend, it cannot be ; 
 U cannot come till after T, 
 
 658. — A Courtly Hint, — One day, at the levee ot 
 Louis XT V., that monarch asked a nobleman present 
 "How many children have you?" "Four, sire," 
 Shortly afterwards, the king asked the same ques- 
 tion. "Four, sire," replied the nobleman. The 
 same question was several times repeated by the 
 king, in the course of conversation, and the same 
 answer given. At length the king asking once 
 more, "how many children have you ?" — the noble- 
 man replied, " Six, sire." " What '" cried the king 
 with surprise ; "six ! you told me four just now '" 
 "Sire," replied the courtier, "I thought your ma- 
 jesty would be tired of hearing the same thing so 
 often." 
 
 659.— The Deceased Wife. 
 We lived for one-and- twenty years 
 
 As man and wife together ; 
 I could no longer keep her here. 
 
 She's gone, I know not whither ; 
 Her body is bestowed well, 
 
 A decent grave doth hide her ; 
 I'm sure her soul is not in hell, 
 
 The devil can't abide her, 
 I rather think she's up aloft, 
 
 For m the last great thunder, 
 Methmks T heard her very voice 
 
 Rending the clouds asunder. 
 
 660. — Frederick the Great and his Chaplain — 
 Frederick the Great being informed of the death of 
 one of his chaplains, a man of considerable learning 
 and piety, determining that his successor should not 
 
the world's jest-eook. 367 
 
 be behind him in these qualifications, took the fol- 
 lowing method of ascertaining the merit of one of 
 the numerous candidates for the appointment : — He 
 told the applicant that he would himself furnish him 
 with a text the following Sunday, when he was to 
 preach at the Royal Chapel, from which he was to 
 make an extempore sermon. The clergyman ac- 
 cepted the proposition. The whim of such a pro- 
 bationary discourse was spread abroad widely, and 
 at an early hour the Royal Chapel was crowded to 
 excess. The king arrived at the end of the prayers, 
 and, on the candidates ascending the pulpit, one of 
 his majesty's aids-de-camp presented him with a 
 sealed paper. The preacher opened it, and found 
 nothing written therein ; he did not, however, in so 
 critical a moment, lose his presence of mind; but 
 turning the paper on both sides, he said, "My 
 brethren, here is nothing, and there is nothing ; out 
 of nothing God created ail things," and proceeded to 
 deliver a most admirable discourse upon the wonders 
 of the creation. 
 
 661. — On the Death of a Young Man, 
 Mourn not this hopeful youth so soon is dead 
 But know, he trebles favours on his head, 
 Who for a morning's work gives equal pay 
 With those who have endur'd the heat o'th'day ? 
 
 662. — Honesty in Humble Life. — At a fair in the 
 town of Keith, in the north of Scotland, in the year 
 1767, a merchant having lost his pocket-book, which 
 contained about £100 sterling, advertised it next 
 day, offering a reward of £20 for its recovery. It 
 was immediately brought to him by a countryman, 
 who desired him to examine it ; the owner, finding 
 it in the same state as when he lost it, paid down the 
 reward ; but the man declined it, alleging it was too 
 
368 wir and wisdom ; or, 
 
 much. He then offered him £15, then £10, then 
 £5, all which he successively refused. Being at 
 iast desired to make his own demand, he asked only 
 ^ve shillings to drmk his health, which was most 
 thankfully given. 
 
 An instance of conduct extremely similar occur- 
 red at Plymouth at the end of the late war. A 
 British seaman, who had returned from France, re- 
 ceived £65 for his pay. In proceeding to the tap- 
 house in Plymouth dock-yard, with his money en- 
 closed in a bundle, he dropped it, without immedi- 
 ately discovering his loss. When he missed it, he 
 sallied forth iii search of it ; after some inquiries, 
 he fortunately met J. Prout, a labourer in the yard, 
 who had found the bundle, and gladly returned it. 
 Jack, no less generous than the other was honest, 
 instantly proposed to Prout to accept half, then £20, 
 both of which he magnanimously refused. Ten 
 pounds, next £o, were tendered, with a similar re- 
 sult. At length Jack, determined that his benefac- 
 tor should have some token of his gratitude, forced 
 a £2 note into Prout's pocket. 
 
 Traits of character like these would reflect ho- 
 nour on ucv class of lite* 
 
 663 .—Power of Patience. 
 
 Let him whose present fortune gives him pain, 
 Scora the low vulgar custom to complain ! 
 All tha+ withholds his wish the brave will break, 
 Or silent bear those claims 'tis poor to shake. 
 
 €84 — Literary Sensibility. — Racine, who died of 
 his extreme sensibility to a rebuke, confessed that 
 the pain which one severe criticism miiicted out- 
 weighed all the applause he could receive. 
 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOCK. 
 
 869 
 
 665. — Tlie Careless Couple. 
 
 Jenny is poor, and I am poor, 
 Yet will we wed, so say no more 
 And should the bairns you mention come. 
 As few that marry but have some, 
 No doubt but heaven will stand our friend, 
 And bread as well as children send. 
 So fares the hen in farmer's yard, 
 To live alone she finds it hard : 
 I've known her weary every claw, 
 In search of corn among the straw ; 
 And when in quest of nicer food, 
 She clucks among her chirping brood. 
 With joy I've seen the self-same hen 
 That scratch'd for one, could scratch for ten* 
 2 A 
 
370 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 These are the thoughts that make me willing 
 To take my girl without a shilling ; 
 And for the self same cause, d'ye see, 
 Jenny's resolv'd to marry me. 
 
 666. — Exhilarating Opportunity.. — Wanted a few 
 respectable persons to complete a genteel coffin club. 
 The prospects held out by this society are peculiarly 
 cheering and desirable. The weekly subscription is 
 one penny ; and there is a meeting on Monday 
 evenings to pass a convivial hour, and talk over the 
 business of the institution. Gentlemen are allowed 
 to try on their own goods, and to see that they are 
 made according to order. Gentlemen not parti- 
 cularly nice may be accommodated with a warranted 
 second-hand article, as it happens to drop in. Fur- 
 ther particulars may be known on application to 
 Mr. Laugh-and- lie-down, the undertaker, at his re- 
 treat, Sarcophagus Cottage, Camberwell. Laugh- 
 and-lie-down begs to inform married folks that he 
 has generally had the honour to give particular sa- 
 tisfaction to widows and widowers. Laugh-and-lie- 
 down hopes he shall be excused by his more regular 
 connexion for resorting to this ungenteel mode of 
 turning a penny ; but the fact is, that the present 
 unfortunate slackness of business, arising from his 
 not being favoured with their orders so often as 
 could be wished, has left him no alternative. He 
 will still, however, be found anxious to wait on them 
 with the utmost promptitude and pleasure, on the 
 slightest indication that his services may be useful. 
 It is his general practice to wait on his patrons or 
 their friends, on hearing they are sick ; but should 
 he in any instance be found deficient in this act of 
 duty, he trusts it will be imputed to inadvertence, 
 
 I 
 
the world's jest-book. 371 
 
 and not to any want of. sympathy with the natural 
 feelings of persons so unfortunately situated. 
 
 667. — The following certificate of a marriage was 
 found amongst an old lady's writings, viz : 
 
 " This is to satisfy whom it may concern, that 
 Arthur Waters and Amy Yursley were lawfully 
 married hy me, John Higgonson, on the first day of 
 August, anno 1703. 
 
 " T, Arthur, on Monday, 
 
 Take thee, Amy, till Tuesday, 
 
 To have and to hold till Wednesday, 
 
 For better for worse till Thursday ; 
 
 I'll kiss thee on Friday — 
 
 If we don't agree on Saturday, 
 
 We'll part again on Sunday." 
 
 668. — Sieur Boas (the sleight of hand man) was 
 accosted in the usual style by a retailer of oranges. 
 " Well, my lad," says the sieur, " how do you sell 
 them \" " Two-pence a piece, sir," quoth the man. 
 * High-priced, indeed," rejoined the deceiver ; 
 " however, we'll try them." Cutting an orange into 
 four pieces, " Behold," says the sieur (producing a 
 new guinea from the inside of the orange), " how 
 your fruit repays me for your extortion. Come, I 
 can afford to purchase one more," and he repeated 
 the same experiment as with the first. " Well to be 
 sure," says he, " they are the first fruit I ever found 
 to produce golden seeds." The sieur then wished 
 to come to terms for his whole basket ; but the 
 astonished clodpole, with joyous alacrity, ran out of 
 the house, and reaching home, began to quarter the 
 contents of the whole basket. But, alas ! the seeds 
 were no more than the produce of nature — the con- 
 jurer alone possessing the golden art. 
 
372 WIT AND WKDOM ; OR, 
 
 669. — A Frenchman translating a passage from 
 Swift, which mentioned that an officer had been broke 
 by the Duke- of Marlborough, literally translated it 
 roue — broke alive upon the wheel. 
 
 670. — On an Old Maid who dropped Ten Years of 
 
 her Age, 
 A stifF-starch'd virgin, of unblemish*d fame 
 And spotless virtue, Bridget Cole by name, 
 At length the death of all the righteous dies, 
 Aged just four and fifty — here she lies, 
 671. — Birmingham Liars. — A gentleman told his 
 friends that he was born in Birmingham, and*though 
 he loved the country, and respected its inhabitants, 
 yet he must in justice declare, that all people born 
 in that town, and its vicinity, were the greatest liars 
 in the universe. " Then," says a gentleman present, 
 " if you speak truth, you lie ; and if you He, you 
 speak truth/' 
 
 672. — The inhabitants of Mount-street, South- 
 ampton, were alarmed one morning at three o'clock 
 by a drunken fellow crying, " Fire / fire /" * Where, 
 for God's sake, is it ?" exclaimed a hundred voices 
 at once. " That's exactly what I want to know," 
 replied the fellow, a for my pipe's gone out." 
 
 673. — A gentleman having lost a pair of silk 
 stockings, made a bellman cry them, with a reward 
 of eighteenpence. "That is too little," said his 
 friend, u the finder will not give up a pair of silk 
 stockings for eighteenpence." " Aye I " quoth cun- 
 ning Isaac, " but for that reason I have desired him 
 to say they are worsted." 
 
 674. — Whimsical Inscription. — A gentleman com- 
 ing to town from Seven Oaks In Kent, observed on 
 a sign in the road the following lines, which on in- 
 quiry he found to be the offspring of the landlord's 
 brain — 
 
"HE world's jest-book. 373 
 
 * I John Stubbs liveth hear, 
 Sells good brandy, gin, and beer, 
 X mead my borde a letel whyder, 
 To lette you nowe I sell good syder. 
 
 675. — Speaking Terms, — Mr. Reynolds, the dra- 
 matist, once met a, free and easy actor, who told him 
 that he had passed three festive days at the seat of 
 
 the Marquis and Marchioness of , without any 
 
 invitation; convinced (as proved to be the case) 
 that my lord and lady, not being on speaking terms, 
 would each suppose the other had asked him* 
 
 676. — On Sir Isaac Newton, 
 
 " Some demon, sure," says wond'ring Ned, 
 "In Newton's brain has nx'cfciiis station," 
 
 " True," Dick replies, " you've rightly said, 
 T know his name — 'tis demonstration" 
 
 677. — David's Sow, Origin of the Phrase. — A few 
 years ago, one David Lloyd, a Welchman, who kept 
 an inn at Hereford, had a living eow with six legs ; 
 and the circumstance being publicly known, great 
 numbers of all descriptions resorted to the house. 
 It happened that David had a wife who was much 
 addicted to drunkenness, and for which he used fre- 
 quently to bestow upon her a very severe drubbing. 
 One day in particular, having taken a second extra 
 cup, which operated in a very powerful manner, and 
 dreading the usual consequence, she went into the 
 yard, opened the sty-door, let out the sow, and lay 
 down in its place, hoping that a short unmolested 
 nap would sufficiently dispel the fumes of the liquor. 
 In the mean time, however, a company arrived to 
 see the much-talked of animal ; and Davy, proud of 
 his office, ushered them to the sty, exclaiming, "Did 
 any of you ever see so uncommon a creature be- 
 
374 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 fore \" " Indeed, Davy," said one of the farmers, " I 
 never before observed a sow so very drunk in all 
 my life !" Hence the term, drunh as David's sow. 
 
 678. — Lord Byron's Lines, found in his Bilk. 
 
 Within this awful volume lies 
 The mystery of mysteries. 
 Oh ! happiest they of human race, 
 To whom our God has given grace 
 To hear, to read, to fear, to pray, 
 To lift the latch, an/* force the way ; 
 But better had they ^t/er been born, 
 Who read to doubt, or read to scorn. 
 
 679. — A few Sundays ago, the clerk of a parish in 
 the north of England rose up after the Litany, and 
 called out, a Let us sing to the praise and glory of 
 God — the gentlemen of the parish are desired to 
 meet after evening service, on business of import- 
 ance — part of the hundred and fifteenth psalm." 
 
 680. — Judge Clayton was an honest man, but 
 not very deep in the law. Scon after he was raised 
 to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company 
 with counsellor Harwood, so deservedly celebrated 
 for his brogue, humour, and legal knowledge. 
 Clayton liked his glass ; and having drank rather 
 freely, began to make some observations on the 
 laws of Ireland. "In my country" (England), 
 said he, " the laws are numerous, but then one is 
 always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland 
 it is just the contrary ; your laws so perpetually 
 clash with one another, and are so very contradic- 
 tory, that I protest / don't understand them.' 9 
 " True, my lord," cired Harwood, " that is what wc 
 nil say'* 
 
THE world's jest-book. 375 
 
 681.— The Ploughman's Ditty. 
 
 When Molly smiles beneath her cow, 
 I feel my heart I can't tell how ; 
 When Molly is on Sunday drest, 
 On Sundays I can take no rest. 
 What can I do % on working days 
 I leave my work on her to gaze : 
 What shall I say ? at sermons I 
 Forget the text when Molly's by. 
 Good master curate, teach me how 
 To mind your preaching and my plough, 
 And if for this you'll raise a spell, 
 A good fat goose shall thank you well. 
 
 682. — Borrowing. — The Egyptians had a very re- 
 markable ordinance to prevent persons from bor- 
 rowing imprudently. An Egyptian was not permit- 
 ted to borrow without giving to his creditor in 
 pledge the body of his father. It was deemed both 
 an impiety and an infamy not to redeem so sacred a 
 pledge. A person who died without discharging 
 that duty, was deprived of the customary honours 
 paid to the dead. 
 
 683. — Cure for Gossipping. — Four or five gentle- 
 men, resident in a country town, adopted, not long 
 since, the following method to cure several gossip- 
 ping neighbours of a rage for listening to defamatory 
 stories : — They alternately agreed to set on foot 
 some extraordinary tale of each other. By the 
 time one story had nearly circulated through the 
 town, a second was afloat ; and so on with a third, 
 fourth, fifth, &c. At length the male and female 
 gossips, finding the whole to be without the least 
 foundation, grew so extremely incredulous, as not 
 to believe the report of even a real/aw#jpas. 
 
373 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 684. — On a Famous Toast, 
 
 Belinda has such wond'rous charms, 
 'Tis Heaven to lie within her arms ; 
 And she's so charitably given, 
 She wishes all mankind in heaven. 
 
 685. — Assertion without Proof. — Mr. Boaden, 
 the author of several popular theatrical pieces, gave 
 Drury-lane theatre the title of a wilderness. This 
 reached the ears of Sheridan, who did not forget it 
 a short time afterwards, when he was requested 
 to accept a tragedy of Mr. Boaden's. " No no," 
 said Sheridan, " the wise and discreet author calls 
 our house a wilderness. Now I don't mind allowing 
 the oracle to have his opinion, but it is really too 
 much for him to expect I will suffer him to prove 
 his words." 
 
 686 Heroic Obedience. — When Kleber was in 
 
 Egypt, he sustained during five hours, with only 
 two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty 
 thousand. He was nearly surrounded, was wounded, 
 and had only a narrow defile by which to escape. 
 In this extremity, he called to him a chef de bat- 
 taillon, named Chevardin, for whom he had a par- 
 ticular regard. " Take," said he to him, a a com- 
 pany of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the 
 ravine. You will be killed, but you will save your 
 comrades." "Yes, my general," replied Chevar- 
 din. He gave his watch and his pocket-book to 
 his servant, executed the order, and his death, 
 in fact, arrested the enemy, and eaved the French. 
 There is something grand in the judgment of 
 Kleber of the character of Chevardin ; and on the 
 jide of Chevardin, what a capacity for self- devo- 
 tion. 
 
the world's jest-book. 377 
 
 687. — One Lawyer More. 
 ft Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by ?" 
 " I do not know of one" was the reply : 
 (( But if one less were living, I am sure 
 Mankind his absence safely might endure." 
 
 688. — The Earl of Marchmont. — Lord Binning* 
 who was sitting by his bed-side a few hours before 
 his death, seeing him smile, asked what he was 
 laughing at. He answered, U I am diverted to 
 think what a disappointment the worms will meet 
 with when they come to me, expecting a good meal, 
 and find nothing but bones." The earl was eighty- 
 four years of age, and very thin. 
 
 689. — A Monkish Bull. — An Italian monk has 
 written a life of St. Francis Xavier, where he asserts, 
 that by one sermon he converted ten thousand per- 
 sons in a desert island. 
 
 690. — Meditation on Self. 
 As I walk'd by myself, I said to myseif, 
 
 And myself said again to me, 
 Look to thyself, take care of thyself, 
 
 For nobody cares for thee. 
 Then I said to myself, and then answered myself 
 
 With the self-same repartee, 
 Look to thyself, or look not to thyself 
 
 'Tis the self-same thing to me. 
 
 691. — French Bulls. — The Irish nation have long 
 been supposed to enjoy the exclusive privilege of 
 making bulls. A French gentleman, who lately 
 died at Provence, whose name was M. Cleante, 
 affords an instance to the contrary, as will appear 
 by the following anecdotes of him — 
 
 He bid his valet-de-chamber, very early one 
 morning, look out of the window, and tell him if it 
 
378 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 was day-light. "Sir," said the fellow, "it is so 
 dark I can see nothing as yet." * Beast that you 
 are," replied the master, " why don't you take a 
 candle, to see if the sun rises or no ?" 
 
 He was ill of a fever : his physician forbade him 
 the use of wine, and ordered him to drink nothing 
 but barley-water. " That I would," said the patient, 
 " with all my heart, provided it had the relish of 
 wine ; for, I assure you, I had as soon eat beef as 
 partridge if it had the same taste !" 
 
 He paid a visit to a painter, who was busy in 
 drawing a landscape, where a lover and his mistress 
 were in conversation. " Let me beg of you," said 
 M. Cleante, "to draw me in a corner, where I can 
 hear every word these lovers are saying, without 
 any body seeing me I" 
 
 A gentleman told him that he had dined with a 
 poet, who had regaled him with an excellent epigram 
 for the desert. Cleante immediately called for his 
 cook, and asked him why he had never brought a dish 
 of epigrams to his table." 
 
 He desired a painter, who was taking his portrait, 
 to draw him with a book in his hand, which he 
 should read out loud ! 
 
 692. — Extreme Parsimony. — The following re- 
 markable instance of penury is true. A person in 
 the neighbourhood of Whitehaven, who died some 
 time since, had, by industry and parsimony, accu- 
 mulated a sum twenty times as large as he durst en- 
 joy the interest of. At the age of sixty, he made 
 his will, and left the bulk of his riches to a favourite 
 relation. That relation, some time after, incurred 
 his displeasure, in so great a degree, that he deter- 
 mined to cut him off from every posthumous ad- 
 vantage. While he lived, no person had the shadow 
 of reason to hope. But here an insuperable objec- 
 
THE world's jest-book. 1 379 
 
 tion appeared. The country scrivener, who had fra- 
 med the will, had charged the enormous sum of 
 eighteen-pence for his labour ; and the frugal testator 
 equally desirous of keeping his property from an 
 undeserving person, and anxious to have the busi- 
 ness done as low as possible, deferred the second 
 edition of his last will and testament, in expectation 
 that the terms would be reduced as the professors 
 were multiplied. In short, he deferred it for twelve 
 years ; but, among the increased number of scholars 
 who sprung up in the neighbourhood, none could 
 be found to execute the instrument on his terms. 
 At length (at the age of seventy-+wo) he found what 
 answered all his purposes — he caved three-pence 
 three-farthings Ijy travelling six hours in the rain — 
 but he lost his life. 
 
 693. — Henry, Prince of Wales, son of King 
 James I., being at a hunting match, the stag, almost 
 spent, crossed a road where a butcher was passing 
 with his dog. The stag was instantly killed by the 
 dog, at which the huntsmen were greatly offended, 
 and endeavoured to irritate the prince against the 
 butcher ; but his highness coolly answered, " What 
 if the butcher's dog killed the stag, could the 
 butcher help it i" They replied, " That if his father 
 had been so served, he would have sworn so, no one 
 could have endured it." " Away !" cried the prince, 
 " all the pleasure in the world is not worth an 
 oath." It is also said of this prince, that, when at 
 play, being asked why he did not swear as others 
 did, he answered, " He knew no game worthy of an 
 oath." 
 
 694. — Hops first used. — There was an information 
 exhibited, about the fourth of Henry VI., against a 
 person, for that he put a kind of unwholesome weed 
 into his brewing, called a hop. 
 
380 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 695. — / cannot Laugh; an Epigram, 
 Tom made some joke, while o'er a merry glass, 
 His friends in kind good humour let it pass, 
 All but Sir Frost, who growl'd in surly mood, 
 "I'd laugh, friend Tom, believe me— if I could." 
 <( Thanks, dear Sir Frost, your gravity's well known, 
 You never laugh at wit — that's not your own ; 
 The wonder, therefore, is — and that not small — 
 That you, my friend, should ever laugh at all." 
 
 696. — Madame de Stael's daughter, the Baroness 
 de Broglie, was an extoaordinary beauty. Her 
 charms made such an impression on Prince Talley- 
 rand, that, in contemplating them, he was often de- 
 ficient in his attentions to her highly-gifted mother. 
 One day, being on a party of pleasure on the water, 
 she determined to confound him, and put this ques- 
 tion : — "If our vessel were to be wrecked by a 
 storm, which of us would you strive to save first, 
 me or my daughter ?" " Madam," instantly re- 
 plied Talleyrand, " with the many talents and ac- 
 quirements you possess, it would be an affront to 
 you to suppose that you cannot swim ; I should 
 therefore deem it my duty to save the Baroness 
 first." 
 
 697. — The Beautiful Blade Eyes. 
 Tom's wife once praised his two black eyes ! 
 
 She never had seen such before ; 
 66 My wife," says Dick, " has two outvies, 
 
 And often blesses me with four," 
 
 698. — The lost Law-suit. — A little girl, who knew 
 very well the painful anxiety which her mother 
 had long suffered during a tedious course of litiga- 
 tion, hearing that she had at last lost her law-suit, 
 innocently cried out, " O, my dear mamma ! how 
 
the world's jest-boqx. 381 
 
 g?ad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, 
 which-used to give you so much trouble and unea- 
 siness." 
 
 690. — TheBanlcer and the Sailor; or the Tickler. 
 When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, 
 a sailor had, as part of his pay, a draft on him 
 for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an im- 
 mense sum, and, calling at the house, insisted 
 upon seeing the master in private. This was at 
 length acceded to ; and when the banker and the 
 sailor met together, the following conversation en- 
 sued — 
 
 Sailor. — a Mr. Hankey, I've got a tickler for you 
 ■ — didn't like to expose you before the lads." 
 
 Eankey. — "That was kind. Pray what's this 
 tickler ?" 
 
 Sailor. — " Never mind, don't be afraid, I won't 
 hurt you ; 'tis a fifty" 
 
 Hankey. — u Ah ! that's a tickler, indeed." 
 
 Sailor. — " Don't fret ; give me five pounds now, 
 and the rest at so much a week, and say nothing to 
 nobody." 
 
 700. — Crooked, Coincidences. — A pamphlet, pub- 
 lished in the year 1703, has the following strange 
 title : — " The Deformity of Sin cured ; a sermon, 
 preached at St. Michael's, Crooked-lane, before the 
 Prince of Orange, by the Rev. J. Crookshanks.-*- 
 Sold by Matthew Denton, at the Crooked Billet, 
 near Cripplegate, and by all other booksellers." 
 The words of the text are, "Every crooked path 
 shall be made straight;" and the prince, before 
 whom it was preached, was deformed in his person. 
 
 701. — Pugilistic Friendship. — A baronet, a great 
 amateur of the pugilistic art, had written a work to 
 demonstrate its utility. He even taught it gratis to 
 those who had an inclination to receive his lessons, 
 

 3S2 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A nobleman in the neighbourhood happening to 
 pay him a visit, and conversing with him about 
 wrestling, the knight laid hold of him behind, and 
 threw him over his head. The former a little 
 bruised by his fall, rose in a passion. " My lord," said 
 the baronet, gravely, " I must have a great friend- 
 ship for you ; you are the only one to whom I have 
 evei shown that trick." 
 
 702.— The Cook?* Disaster. 
 To turn the penny, once, a wit 
 Upon a curious fancy hit ; 
 Hung out a board, on which he boasted — 
 Dinner for three-pence, BoiVd and Roasted. 
 The hungry read, and in they trip, 
 With eager eye and smacking lip — 
 Here, bring this boiVd and roasted pray. 
 Enter — Potatoes dress'd each way. 
 All instant rose, the house forsook, 
 And cursed the dinner, kick'd the cook. 
 Our landlord found — poor Patrick Kelly — 
 There was no joking with the belly. 
 
 703. — Going and returning. — A bon vivant one 
 evening told one of his bottle companions that he 
 intended to leave the sum of £20 to be spent at his 
 funeral. His companion asked, " Whether the 
 said money was to be spent in going or returning V 9 
 and was answered. (e going, to be sure ; for, when 
 you return, you know I sha'n't be with you." 
 
 704. — In Health, yet out of Order. — A gentleman 
 of the sister country, being at public meeting at the 
 City of London Tavern, in the course of his speech 
 made a digression or two, which caused some re- 
 marks from the company ; but, still continuing wide 
 of the sudject relating to the meeting, the noble 
 chairman at last interrupted him with " I am very 
 
the world's jest-book. S83 
 
 sorry, sir, but I must say that you are very much 
 
 out of order:' " Oh V 9 replied Mr. O'L 
 
 "you may make yourself aisy on that score, my 
 lord, for / never was in better health in all my 
 life: 9 
 
 705. — The Witticism of an Astrologer. — As the 
 officers were carrying an astrologer to the gallows, 
 " You," says a spectator to him, " that could so per- 
 fectly read in the stars the destiny of others, how 
 came you not to foresee your own ?" * Three times," 
 replied the astrologer, "I cast my nativity, and 
 three times it informed me that one dayl should be 
 elevated above others, and see every one else at my 
 feet." 
 
 706. — Love of Gold. — An old gentleman of the 
 name of Gould having married a very young wife, 
 wrote a poetical epistle to a friend to inform him gI 
 it ; and concluded it thus : — 
 
 u So you see, my dear sir, though I'm eignty years 
 
 old, 
 A girl of eighteen is in love with old Gmld J" 
 
 To which his friend replied, — 
 
 <e A girl of eighteen may love Gould, it is true, 
 But, believe me, dear sir, it is Gold without UP 
 
 707. — A gentleman who resides in the Octagon 
 had been to a party a few nights since, and was 
 found by the police endeavouring to support him- 
 self by one of the lamp-posts. " Why do you not 
 go home, sir?" said the police to him. "I'm 
 waiting till my door comes round to me, when I 
 shall try and run into it," replied the unsteady Ion 
 vivant. 
 
 708. — When Foote went first to Scotland, he was 
 inquiring of an old highlander, who had formerly 
 
384 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 oeen prompter to the Edinburgh theatre, about the 
 state of the country, with respect to travelling, 
 living, manners, &c, of all which the Scot gave him 
 very favourable accounts. " Why then," said 
 Foote, " with about £300 a year, one may live like 
 a gentleman in your country V 9 " In troth, master 
 Foote," replied his informant, "I cannot tell that, 
 for as I never knew a man there who spent half 
 that sum, I don't know what might come into his 
 head who could attempt to squander the whole" 
 
 708. — A conceited coxcomb once said to a bar- 
 ber's boy, " Did you ever shave a monkey V " Why, 
 no, sir," replied the boy, " never ; but if you will 
 please to sit down, I will try." 
 
 709. — An Irishman having a looking-glass in his 
 hand, shut his eyes and placed it before his face ; 
 another asking him why he did so — "Upon my 
 soul," says Teague, " it is to see how I look wheu I 
 am asleep." 
 
 710. — The Progress of Matrimony. 
 In the blithe days of honey-moon, 
 
 "With Kate's allurements smitten, 
 I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, 
 
 And called her dearest kitten. 
 But now my kitten's grown a cat, 
 
 And cross like other wives, 
 Oh ! by my soul, my honest Mat, 
 
 I think she has nine lives ! 
 
 711. — Habitual Cold. — " When I have a cold in 
 my head," said a gentleman in company, " I am 
 always remarkably dull and stupid." " You are 
 much to be pitied, then, sir," replied another, " for 
 I don't remember ever to have seen you without a 
 cold in your head." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 385 
 
 712. — A good Voice. — A gentleman in public 
 company commencing a song, was entreated by a 
 friend to desist. " You will never," said the latter , 
 " gain anything by your voice." " You are wrong," 
 replied the former ; " my voice as a voter, in a 
 plumper, at the late election, gained me a round 
 sum of money. 
 
 713. — Short Commons. — At a shop window in the 
 Strand there appears the following notice u— 
 " Wanted two apprentices, who will be treated as one 
 of the family." 
 
 714. — My Uncle. 
 
 Who lives where hangs three golden balls, 
 Where Dick's poor mother often calls, 
 And leaves her tippets, muffs, and shawls ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 2 a 
 
386 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Who, when you're short of the short stuff, 
 Nose starving for an ounce of snuff, 
 Will " raise the wind " to buy enough ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Who cheers the heart with " Money lent," 
 When friends are cold, and all is spent, H 
 Receiving only cent, per cent. ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Who, when I want a glass of gin, 
 Will take my ragged jacket in, 
 And keep it till I call again ? 
 
 Who takes my saucepan full of holes, 
 And shoes in want of better soles, 
 To raise the dust to buy the coals ? 
 
 Who takes the linen torn and soil'd, 
 And cradle piddled till its spoil'd. 
 In short, takes all, except the child ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Mv Uncle 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Who, when the wretch is sunk in grief, 
 And none beside will yield relief, 
 Will aid the honest or the thief ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Yet when detection threatens law, 
 Who hidden stores will open draw, 
 That future rogues may stand in awe ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Who, fortune's golden glare withdrawn, 
 When sycophants no longer fawn, 
 Takes all but honour into pawn ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
the world's jest-book. 387 
 
 Who cares not what distress may bring, 
 If stolen from beggar or from king, 
 And, like the sea, takes every thing % 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Who does all this, and think'st no sin, 
 And, would he yield a glass of gin, 
 Would take the very devil in ? 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 Bought wisdom is the best, 'tis clear, 
 And since 'tis better as more dear, 
 We for high prices should revere 
 
 My Uncle. 
 
 715. — An attorney-general once receiving a 
 client, who was intimate with him, in his library, 
 the gentleman expressed surprise at the number of 
 wigs that were hanging up. u Yes, there are seve- 
 ral," replied the attorney ; "that" pointing to a 
 scratch, " is my common business wig ; that, my 
 chancery wig ; that, my house of lords' wig ; and 
 that, my court wig." " And pray, sir," asked his 
 friend, " where is your honest marts wig ?" " 0," 
 replied the lawyer, "that's not professional!" 
 
 716. — How to Rise Early. — An Irishman, some 
 time since, bade an extraordinary price for an alarm 
 clock, and gave as a reason, " That, as he loved to 
 rise early, he had nothing to do but to pull the 
 string, and he could wake himself" 
 
 717. — Compliment to a Judge. — An attorney 
 brought an action against a farmer for having called 
 him a rascally lawyer. An old husbandman being 
 a witness, was asked if he heard the man call him 
 a lawyer \ " I did," was the reply. " Pray," says 
 the judge, " what is your opinion of the import of 
 the word I" "There can be no donbt *>f that," re- 
 plied the fellow. " Why, good man,' ' said the j udg§. 
 
S8P WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 u there is no dishonour in the name, is there ?" "1 
 know nothing about that," answered he, " but this I 
 know, if any man called me a lawyer I'd knock him 
 down." iC Why, sir," said the judge, pointing to 
 one of the counsel, " that gentleman is a lawyer, and 
 that, and I too am a lawyer." " No, no," replied 
 the fellow ; " no, my lord ; you are a judge, I know ; 
 but I'm sure you are no lawyer." 
 
 718. — Cupboard Love, 
 Frank carves very ill, yet will palm all the meats ; 
 He eats more than six, and drinks more than he eats. 
 Four pipes after dinner he constantly smokes, 
 And seasons his wit with impertinent jokes. 
 Yet sighing, he says, " we must certainly break ; 
 And my cruel unkindness compels him to speak, 
 For of late I invite him but four times a week." 
 
 719. — Anecdote of Fordyce, the Banker. — With 
 the foibles generally attendant upon an aspiring 
 man, Fordyce had generous qualities. A young in- 
 telligent merchant, who kept cash at his banking- 
 house, one morning making a small lodgment, he 
 happened to say, " That if he could command some 
 thousands at present, there was a certain specula- 
 tion to be pursued, which, in all probability, would 
 turn out fortunate." This was said loosely, without 
 Fordyce making any answer, or seeming to attend 
 to it, and no more passed at the time. 
 
 A few months afterwards, when the same mer- 
 chant was what they call settling his book with the 
 house, he was very much surprised to see the sum 
 of £500 placed to his credit-side more than he knew 
 he possessed. Thinking it a mistake, he pointed it 
 out to the clerk, who, seeing the entry in Mr. For- 
 dyce's hand-writing, said, he must have paid it tO|him# 
 
 The merchant shortly after meeting Mr. F— — 
 
the world's jest-book. 389 
 
 requested an explanation, when Mr. Fordyce told 
 him that he had gained a handsome sum by the hint 
 which he had dropped a few months before, and 
 thought he was justly entitled to the sum he had 
 placed to his credit. 
 
 720. — On a very Slow Barber. 
 Wiiilst Dick, the village barber, scrapes your cheek, 
 And tells a story that would last a week ; 
 His tardy razor glides so very slow, 
 That, ere h'es done another beard will grow ! 
 
 721. — How to be a Connoisseur. — A lady to whom 
 a painter had promised the best picture in his col- 
 lection, knew not which to take, and hit upon this 
 stratagem : — She sent a person to the painter, 
 who was from home, to tell him that his house was 
 on fire. v u Take care of my Cleopatra," exclaimed 
 the artist. The next day the lady sent for the 
 Cleopatra. 
 
 722. — A Rum Witness sent to Quod. — A witness 
 being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner 
 not pleasing to him, turned to an acquaintance, 
 and told him, in a half whisper, that he did not 
 come there to be qeered by the old one. Lord 
 j Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in his 
 | own cant, " I'm old, 'tis true, and I'm rum some- 
 times, and once I'll be queer, and send you to 
 quod." 
 
 723. — The Racket Court. — The counsel in the Irish 
 courts are not always so decorous and attentive as 
 they should be. During the examination of a wit- 
 ness, Lord Norbury had occasion once or twice to 
 request silence ; when the man, in reply to a ques- 
 tion from his lordship relative to his occupation, 
 answered that he kept a racket court. "Indeed," 
 said the judge, and looking archly at the bar, coo- 
 
390 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 tinued, " and I am very sorry to say that I am 
 Chief Justice of a racket court much too often." 
 
 724. — Monopoly. — In a humorous trial between 
 the rival managers, Messrs. Daly and Astly, re- 
 specting the right of the latter to perform the farce 
 of My Grandmother, at the Peter-street theatre, 
 Dublin, Daly's counsel stated that the penalties re- 
 coverable from the defendant for his infringement of 
 the right of the patent theatre would all be given to 
 that excellent charity, the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. 
 Toler, in reply, observed, a That it was notorious no 
 man in Dublin had contributed more largely, in 
 one way, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly ; 
 and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this 
 action, that he should give them the cash, but," 
 continued the facetious counsel, " although Mr. 
 Daly's attachment to (food pieces is proverbial, we 
 don't choose that he shall monopolize all the good 
 ■pieces in Dublin, from My Grandmother down to 
 Miss in her Teens." 
 
 725. — Royal Bon-Mot. 
 
 When proud Sir Blandy first began 
 
 To bow and scrape, and cringe, at court, 
 
 Although a desperate loyal man, 
 He oft was turn'd to royal sport. 
 
 The queen once asked him had he been 
 In other kingdoms o'er the wave ? 
 
 He answered her with look serene, 
 " Why, yes, an't please your Grace, I have." 
 
 u What does the silly puppet mean 3" 
 She cries, " to insult me to my face — 
 
 I'm majesty, and England's queen, 
 Without the smallest claim to grace," 
 
the world's jest-book. 391 
 
 726. — Affectionate Regret. — A Chinese, forty years 
 of age, who had a very passionate mother, fre- 
 quently received from her a sound heating, which 
 he always bore with exemplary patience. A friend, 
 who knew the life the poor fellow led, calling on 
 him one day just after he had received a severe 
 drubbing from his mother, found him dissolved in 
 tears, and quite inconsolable. "What," said the 
 friend, " can be the cause of this immoderate grief?" 
 ft Ah !" replied the poor fellow, " my dear mother 
 did not thrash me half so soundly to-day as 
 she used to do — poor creature ! her strength is 
 fast declining ; I am much afraid that I shall soon 
 loose her." 
 
 727.— TJie Blessings of Wedlock. 
 Two farmers held dispute, to prove 
 The blessings of connubial love ; 
 ** See here." cries one, with honest smile, 
 6i Six healthful boys my cares beguile." 
 <s And I," cried t'other, " might, perhaps. 
 Have had as fine a set of chaps ; 
 But (which' our happiness ensures) 
 Our priest is not so young as yours." 
 
 723. — Tiie Lottery of Life. — Prince Maurice, in an 
 engagement with the Spaniards, took twenty-four 
 prisoners, one of whom was an Englishman. He 
 ordered eight of these to be hanged to retaliate a 
 ]ike sentence passed by Arch-duke Albert, upon the 
 same number of Hollanders. The fate of the un- 
 happy victims was to be determined by drawing lots. 
 The Englishman, who had the good fortune to es- 
 cape, seeing a Spaniard express the strongest symp- 
 toms of horror when it came to his turn to put his 
 hand into the helmet, offered, for twelve crowns, to 
 stand his chance. The offer was accepted, and be 
 
1 
 
 392 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 was so fortunate as to escape a sec< nd time. Upon 
 beinsj called a fool for so presumptuously tempting 
 his fate, he said, "He thought he acted very pru- 
 dently, for, as he daily hazarded his life for sixpence, 
 he must have made a good bargain, in venturing it 
 for twelve crowns." 
 
 729. — Curious Irish Examination. — Mr. Edward 
 Farrel, being charged with selling spirits without a 
 licence, an itinerant informer, named John Hart 3 
 was produced, who preferred his complaint in the 
 following words : — 
 
 Informer — " On the 8th day of December I went 
 to the house of that man that keeps the ball-alley 
 (pointing to Mr. Farrel), and called for a naggin of 
 whiskey, for which I paid him three-pence down 
 on the counter — more betoken, he keeps a house for 
 girls." 
 
 Ned Farrel — " You lie, you vagabond ; I keep 
 no girls — (much laughter). Gentlemen (to the ma- 
 gistrates), I'll cross-examine this scoundrel. Do 
 you hear, you rascal — you paid three-pence for a 
 naggin of whiskey — was it before or after you drank 
 it?" 
 
 Informer — " It was after, to be sure ; I paid you 
 at the counter." 
 
 Ned Farrel — " Now, you lying thief, I knew I'd 
 find you out ; is there no law, is there no justice, 
 is a man's life to be sworn away by such an infernal 
 villain ? He swore on his solemn oath that he paid 
 me after he drank the whiskey. Now, gentlemen, 
 have I not found him out ? Look at him ; is there 
 a man in Ireland would give him a glass of whiskey, 
 unless he oaid for it beforehand ?" — (Shouts of 
 laughter.) 
 
 Informer — " I did pay you, and the girl that I 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 393 
 
 took in with me could prove the same only that 
 she's now thirty miles off." 
 
 Ned Farrel — " You lie, you villain." — (Here the 
 magistrates interposed,) 
 
 Ned Farrel — " Are you there, Garret Gomer- 
 ford?" 
 
 Garret — " Yes, sir," 
 
 Ned Farrel — "Come along up here. (Master 
 Garret gets upon the table.) Here, gentlemen, is 
 the boy I got to mind the ball-alley, when it will be 
 finished, and a very proper boy he is. Now, Garret, 
 what did I say to the rascal when he applied to me 
 for spirits?" 
 
 Garret (three quarters drunk) — "Why, you see 
 when he had cum in, he axed for the speerits, and 
 Mr. Farrel said he hadn't any, but he'd send to a 
 licensed house for it." 
 
 Ned Farrel — " Where it could be fairly and ho- 
 nestly obtained." 
 
 Garret (staggering) — " Yes, where it could be got 
 in a fair and decent way. All this happened the 
 very day that I was last in the stocks." — (Great- 
 laughter,) 
 
 Informer (to a question by Mr. Duan) — " I will 
 not swear, but he might have sold whiskey on Fri- 
 day, Saturday, or Sunday, unknown } st to me." 
 
 Ned Farrel—" Gracious God ! only look at that 
 fellow (the informer) — look at the cut of his jib (much 
 laughter). Do you want to pamper that fellow, who 
 says that another woman and himself came into the 
 house ? Let him produce that woman, and I'll 
 stand or fall by her ; but she is not to be found." — 
 {Loud laughter?) 
 
 Ned was convicted in the penalty of five pounds. 
 
94: WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 730. — False Teeth ; or Doubts Decided. 
 
 Sophia had teeth of ivory white, 
 
 In which her lovers took delight. 
 Charles swore they were false, and put her in a freak 5 
 
 The little urchin bit from spite, 
 
 And proved that Charles's doubts were right, 
 She left her grinders dangling from his cheek. 
 
 731. — The Doctor and Apothecary. — An apothe- 
 cary, one of the friends, meeting Dr. Fothergill in 
 the street, accosted him in the following manner : — 
 "Friend Fothergill, I intend dining with thee 
 to-day." " I shall be glad to see thee," replied the 
 doctor. u I intended bringing my family with me," 
 says the apothecary. " So much the better," quoth 
 the doctor. u But pray, friend, hast thou not some 
 joke ?" a No joke indeed," replies the apothecary, 
 u but a very serious matter. Thou hast attended 
 friend Ephraim these three days, and ordered him 
 no medicine. I cannot live at this rate in my own 
 house, and I must therefore live in thine.*' The 
 doctor took the hint, and prescribed handsomely for 
 his friend Ephraim, and his friend Leech, the 
 apothecary. 
 
 732. — Jvdicious Revision. — A French poetaster 
 once read to Boileau a miserable rondeau of his 
 own, and made him remark, as a very ingenious pe- 
 culiarity in the composition, that the letter G was 
 not to be found in it. " Would you wish to improve 
 it still further ?" said the critic. " To be sure," 
 replied the other, "perfection is my object." 
 " Then take all the other letters out of it," said 
 Boileau. 
 
 73 3 . — A n A dvertisemenU 
 Wanted — a wife 
 To sweeten life, 
 By a bachelor, healthy and young ; 
 
TttB world's jest-book. 395 
 
 She must be fair, 
 
 In prudence rare, 
 
 And one that can bridle her tongue. 
 
 If she has peif, 
 
 She's like myself, 
 No difference then will arise ; 
 
 If not, I still 
 
 Endeavour will 
 Two jewels to find in her eyes. 
 
 There's nothing more, 
 
 On any score, 
 That I've to offer at present : 
 
 So let what Miss 
 
 Will answer this, 
 Direct to Will Manor, on the Crescent. 
 
 734. — A young man, visiting his mistress, met a 
 rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and 
 wishing to rally him, inquired how old he was ? i( l 
 can't exactly tell," replied the other : " but I can 
 inform you that an ass is older at twenty than a man 
 at sixty. 
 
 735. — The Danger of Disseminating Free-thinking 
 Opinions. — Mallet was so fond of being thought a 
 sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all occa- 
 sions. His wife, it is said, was a complete convert 
 to his doctrines, and even the servants stared at 
 their master's bold arguments, without being poi- 
 soned by their influence. One fellow, however, who 
 united a bad heart to an unsettled head, w T as deter- 
 mined to practice what Mallet was so solicitous 
 to propagate, and robbed his master's house. Being 
 pursued, and brought before a justice, Mallet at- 
 tended, and taxed him severely with ingratitude 
 and dishonesty. (e Sir," said the fellow, u I have 
 

 396 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 often heard you talk of the impossibility of a future 
 state ; that after death there was neither reward 
 for virtue, nor punishment for vice, and this tempted 
 me to commit the robbery." " Well, but, you ras- 
 cal," replied Mallet, " had you no fears of the gal- 
 lows V 9 " Master," said the culprit, looking sternly 
 at him, " what is it to you if I had a mind to ven- 
 ture that ? You had removed my greatest terror ; 
 why should I fear the less V 
 
 736. — Singular Epitaph. — The following epitaph 
 was, some years ago, found among the papers of an 
 old man of the name of John So, who passed the 
 greater part of his life in obscurity, within a few 
 miles of Port Glasgow ; and the hand-writing leads 
 to the conclusion that it was written by himself :— 
 
 So died John So, 
 So so did he so ? 
 So did he live, 
 And so did he die ; 
 So so did he so ? 
 And so let him lie. 
 
 737. — Reverse of Fortune. — When Amer, who 
 had conquered Persia and Tartary, was defeated by 
 Ismail, and taken prisoner, he sat on the ground, 
 and a soldier prepared a course meal to appease his 
 hunger. As this was boiling in one of the pots 
 used for the food of the horses, a dog put his head 
 into it ; but, from the mouth of the vessel being too 
 small, he could not draw it out again, and ran away 
 with both the pot and the meat. The captive ."mo- 
 narch burst into a fit of laughter ; and, on one of his 
 guards demanding what cause upon earth could in- 
 duce a person in his situation to laugh, he replied, 
 *' It was but this morning the steward of my house- 
 hold complained that three hundred camels were 
 
the world's jest-book. 397 
 
 not enough to carry my kitchen furniture ; how 
 easily it is now borne by that dog, who hath carried 
 away my cooking instruments and dinner ! 
 
 738. — Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon 
 at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which dis- 
 gusted many of his auditors, which coming to his 
 knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to 
 preach another sermon of the like kind in the same 
 place, he took special care to avoid falling into the 
 former error. His text was, " He that hath pity 
 upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that 
 which he hath given, will he pay him again." The 
 dean, after repeating his text in a very emphatical 
 tone, added, " Now, my beloved brethren, you hear 
 the terms of the loan ; if you like the security, down 
 with the dust." It is worthy of remark that the 
 quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a 
 very large contribution. 
 
 739. — Pat's Opinion of Green and his Balloon* 
 
 A paddy mingled in a roar 
 
 When Green's balloon came down, 
 
 Who sent him for a chaise and four, 
 To the next country town. 
 
 A gentleman who saw him driven, 
 Cried, " whither Pat in haste ?" 
 
 Quoth Pat, " a messenger from heaven 
 Bade me run very fast — 
 
 He's lost his horse in the clouds, 
 
 His car is smash'd in twain, 
 And now he wants a coach and four 
 To mount the skies again." 
 740. — Tlie Usurer's Dia/ry — Jownalfor de Week* 
 Sunday. — No business to be done — de Christians 
 all out making holiday ; waiting at home for Levi— 
 
398 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM ; Oil, 
 
 he never come : took a walk in St. George's-field — 
 bad luck all de day. 
 
 Monday. — At 'Change till two ; man in red coat 
 wanted to borrow monish — did not like his looks — 
 called in de afternoon in St. James's-street — not at 
 home — bad luck ; thought to have touched dere. 
 
 Tuesday. — Went to west end of d3 town — bought 
 some old cloash — took in — gave great price for de 
 breeches — thought J felt a sovereign in de fob, left 
 dere by mistake — only done to cheat me — nothing 
 but a farthing ; sold them again to Levi — took him 
 in, in de same manner, with profit — very good dat. 
 
 Wednesday. — Went to St. James's-street again — 
 devil in de man, never at home — met Levi— scold 
 me about de breeches — not mind dat at all, I swore 
 I knew nothing of the matter ; went to puff at auc- 
 tion — well paid ; engaged at anoder in de evening 
 — found out dere — obliged to sneak off — found a 
 pair of candlesticks in my coat pocket — drooped in 
 by accident ; sold dem to Mr. Polishplate, de silver- 
 smith — did well by dat. 
 
 Thursday. — On 'Change met the gentleman wid 
 de white wig — wanting more monish — let him have 
 it — good securities ; like white wigs : carried my ad- 
 vertisements to de newspapers — signed Z ; pretty 
 crooked letter dat — always sure to bring in cus- 
 tomers. 
 
 Friday. — Met my good friend Mr. Smash — not 
 seen him a long time — arrested him for de monish 
 he owed me ; went home to prepare for de Sab- 
 bath. 
 
 Saturday. — Went twice to de synagogue — re- 
 pented of my shins — felt much comforted ; remem- 
 ber to call in de morning on de man with de white 
 wig. 
 
 743 -The Quaker's Caution. — The following ad- 
 
THE WORLD'S jest-book. 399 
 
 monition was addressed by a quaker to a man who 
 was pouring forth a volley of ill language against 
 him, l( Have a care, friend, thou may est run thy face 
 against my fist." 
 
 742. — Cheap Dinner for Lawyers. — Mr. Tooke, 
 while studying in the Inns of Court, had, for fellow- 
 students and familiar associates, Messrs. Dunning 
 and Kenyon, the former of whom afterwards became 
 his defender in a court of Justice, while the latter 
 sat on the bench as his judge. Respecting the trio, 
 Mr Stephens says, in his Memoirs of Mr Tooke : — 
 
 * I have been repeatedly assured by Mr. Home 
 Tooke that they were accustomed to dine together, 
 during the vacation, at a little eating-house in the 
 neighbourhood of Chancery-lane, for the sum of 
 seven-pence halfpenny each. ' As to Dunning and 
 myself,' added be, ' we were generous ; for we gave 
 the girl who waited on us a penny a-piece ; but 
 Kenyon, who always knew the value of money, 
 sometimes rewarded her with a halfpenny, and some- 
 times with a promise !' " 
 
 743. — Baron Von Weber. — This late celebrated 
 
 professor being invited to dine at Mr. L 's, 
 
 whose taste for magnificence as well as music is 
 well known, was so struck with involuntary surprise 
 as he entered the drawing-room, that he made a 
 pause, and then exclaimed, in an under tone, which 
 however reached the ears of some gentlemen near 
 him, "Mon Dieu ! It is far better to sell music than* 
 to write it." How many others might make the 
 same remark J 
 
 744. — Exaltation. — A fellow boasting in company 
 of his family, declared even his own father died in 
 an exalted situation. Some of the company looking 
 incredulous, another observed, a I can bear testi- 
 mony of the gentleman's veracity, and my father 
 
400 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 was sheriff for the county when he was hanged fop 
 horse-stealing." 
 
 745. — " What have you got to say, old Bacon- 
 face ?" said a counsellor to a farmer, at a late 
 Cambridge assizes. " Why," answered the farmer, 
 " I am thinking my Bacon-face and your Calf's- 
 head would make a very good dish !" 
 
 746. — Hume and Lady W — — e's Exposure to a 
 Storm. — The lady was partial to the philosopher 
 and the philosopher was partial to the lady. They 
 once crossed the Frith from Kinghorn to Leith to- 
 gether, when a violent storm rendered the passen- 
 gers apprehensive of a salt water death ; and her 
 ladyship's terrors induced her to seek consolation 
 from her friend, who, with infinite sangfroid, assured 
 her "he thought there was great probability of 
 their becoming food for the fishes !" " And pray, 
 
 my dear friend," said Lady W e, " which do 
 
 you think they will eat first?" " Those that are 
 gluttons" replied the historian, " will undoubtedly 
 fall foul on me ; but the epicures will attack your 
 ladyship." 
 
 747. — Take a Wife. — A young man, who had in 
 the course of a short time more than two or three 
 children sworn to him, was thus rebuked by an 
 elderly lady, " Fie, fie, Charles, let the maids alone, 
 and take a wife." " So I did once, my lady," re- 
 plied the graceless sinner, " but then her husband 
 made such a bother, I shall never forget it." 
 
 748. — Cards " Oh dear !" exclaimed a lady, 
 
 while playing a* whist, * I have lost my honour." 
 "then, madam," remarked a gentleman present, 
 fC you should not have played the odd trick." 
 
 A young lady exclaiming at loo, " Oh, I am quite 
 loo'd," the gentleman replied, " Miss, if ever you wish 
 to have a husband, keep that confession to yourself." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 401 
 
 749. — An Irish fellow, one Jonathan Young, of 
 Dublin, had a great regard for Betty Sly, a young 
 maid, as he thought her ; and that they might live 
 quietly and peaceably together hereafter, he thought 
 of this expedient ; one day he told her that it was 
 his full intent to marry her, for which reason he would 
 tell her all the secrets of his heart, that their alli- 
 ance might be the stronger. Amongst many other 
 things, he told her that in the heat of blood he got 
 a son on a friend of his, which was still living, and 
 desired her not to take it amiss. " No, no,' 1 said 
 she, "I am very well pleased, for a friend of mine 
 got me with child : and if you intend to make our 
 alliance stronger, it may be done with another mar- 
 riage, that is, between your son and mv daughter.** 
 * 2c 
 
402 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 750.- — Old Chose and Wild Oats. — The celebrated 
 Lord Falkland being introduced as a member of the 
 House of Commons, at an early age, a grave senator 
 objected to his youth, observing, " That he did not 
 look as if he had sown his wild oats." " So much 
 the better," replied the young nobleman, with a 
 bow, " I am come to a place where there is an old 
 gander to pick them up." 
 
 751. — To he Just in Trifles. — Nouschirvan, king 
 of Persia, being hunting one day, became desirous 
 of eating some of the venison in the field. Some of 
 his attendants went to a neighbouring village, and 
 took away a quantity of salt to season it ; but the 
 king suspecting how they had acted, ordered that 
 they should immediately go and pay for it. Then 
 turning to his attendants, he said, " This is a small 
 matter in itself, but a great one as regards me, for 
 a king ought ever to be just because he is an exam- 
 ple to his subjects, and if he swerves in trifles, they 
 will become desolute. If I cannot make all my 
 people just in the smallest things, I can at least 
 show them that it is possible to be so." 
 
 752. — Memorable Example. — Cambyses, king of 
 Persia, was remarkable for the severity of his go- 
 vernment, and his inexorable regard to justice. 
 This prince had a favourite of the name Sisamnes, 
 whom he made a judge ; but who presumed so far 
 on the credit he had with his master, that justice 
 was sold in the courts of judicature as openly as 
 provisions in the market. When Cambyses was in- 
 formed of these proceedings, enraged to find his 
 friendship so ungratefully abused, the honour of his 
 government prostituted, and the liberty and pro- 
 perty of his subjects sacrificed to the avarice of this 
 wretched minion, he ordered him to be seized and 
 
the world's jest-book. 403 
 
 publicly degraded, after which he commanded his 
 skin to be stripped over his ears, and the seat of 
 judgment to be covered with it, as a warning to 
 others. At the same time, to convince the world 
 that this severity proceeded only from the love of 
 justice, he permitted the son to succeed the father 
 in the honours and office of prime minister, caution- 
 ing him that the same partiality and injustice should 
 meet with a similar punishment. It is remarked 
 of his successor, that he was one of the most upright 
 judges that ever existed, but on many occasions he 
 was observed to wriggle very much in his seat. 
 
 753. — A Goose's Reason. 
 A Goose, my grandam one day said, 
 Entering a barn, pops down its head ; 
 
 I begg'd her then the cause to show : 
 She told me she must wave the task, 
 For nothing but a goose would ask, 
 
 What nothing but a goose could know. 
 
 754. — An easy Way to satisfy Electors. — When 
 Mr. Sheridan first stood for Stafford, he made 
 abundant promises to procure places for such elec- 
 tors as would vote for him ; and, wonderful to re- 
 late I he kept his word, for numbers of them were 
 appointed to offices in Drury-lane theatre and the 
 Opera-house. By this munificence he gained his 
 election ; but in a very short time he found oppor- 
 tunities to oblige new friends, most of the others 
 being obliged to relinquish their situations from re- 
 ceiving no pay. 
 
 755. — Queen Bess's Consolation. — A courtier came 
 running to her, and with a face full of dismay, 
 " Madam," said he, " I have bad news for you ; the 
 party of tailors, mounted on mares, that attacked 
 the Spaniards, are all cut off." " Courage, friend I" 
 
404 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 said tne queen ; " this news is indeed bad ; but 
 when we consider the nature of the quadrupeds, and 
 the. description of the soldiers, it is some comfort to 
 think we have lost neither man nor horse" 
 
 756. — An Opinion without a Fee — Sergeant Fa- 
 zakerly being on a visit in the country, in the time 
 of a long vacation, was one day riding out with a 
 rich squire, who happened at that time to be about 
 engaging in a law suit, and thought it a good oppor- 
 tunity to pump an opinion out of the counsellor, 
 gratis. The sergeant gave his opinion in such a 
 way that the gentleman was encouraged to go on 
 with his suit, which, however, he lost, after expend- 
 ing considerable sums. Irritated by his disappoint- 
 ment, he waited upon the sergeant at his cham- 
 bers, and cried out, " Zounds ! Mr. Sergeant, here 
 have I lost three thousand pounds by your advice." 
 ft By my advice," says Fazakerly, " how can that 
 be \ I don't remember giving you my advice, but 
 let me look over my book." "Book," says the 
 other, u there is no occasion to look at your book, it 
 was when we were riding together at such a place." 
 " Oh," answered the sergeant, " 1 remember some- 
 thing of it ; but, neighbour, that was only my tra- 
 velling opinion, and that is never to be relied on, ex- 
 cept registered in my fee-book." 
 
 757. — Fashionable Hours. — The late Duke of 
 Devonshire, who used to leave Brookes's regularly 
 at a very late hour, in passing by the stall of a cob- 
 bler at the end of Jermyn-street, in his way home, 
 always wished the cobbler a " good night," which 
 the cobbler as regularly returned by wishing his 
 grace a ce good morning !" 
 
 758. — At a late duel in Kentucky, the parties dis- 
 charged their pistols without effect, whereupon one 
 of the seconds interfered, and proposed that tb* 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST BOOK. 405 
 
 combatants should shake hands. To this the other 
 second objected as unnecessary. " For," said he, 
 " their hands have been shaking this half-hour." 
 
 759. — The Chancellor and Curran. — One day, 
 when it was known that Curran was to make an 
 elaborate argument in chancery, Lord Clare (the 
 title of Fitzgibbon) brought a large Newfoundland 
 dog upon the bench with him ; and, during the pro- 
 gress of the argument, he lent his ear much more to 
 the dog than to the barrister. At last the chancellor 
 seemed to lose all regard to decency, he turned 
 himself quite aside in the most mater, al part of the 
 case, and began, in full court, to fondle the animal. 
 Curran stopped short. " Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," 
 said Lord Clare. " Oh !" replied Mr. Curran, " I 
 beg a thousand pardons, my lord ; I really took it 
 for granted that your lordship was employed in con- 
 sultation." 
 
 760. — History perhaps does not boast a more 
 noble and laconic address than that which was 
 made by the great Duke de Grammont to the King 
 of Spain, when he demanded the infanta, his 
 daughter, in marriage, in the name of his sove- 
 reign. "Sire," said he, "the king, my master 
 gives you peace, and to you, madam, his heart and 
 crown." 
 
 761. — Dear Bought Wit. — A gentleman observ- 
 ing, with a significant shake of the head, as a com- 
 pliment to his own sagacity and experience, that wit 
 was never good till it was dear bought ; another, 
 whose opinion of the speaker's wit was at a very low 
 ebb, made the following galling remark — " Then we 
 may presume, sir, you bought your portion of the 
 commodity under prime cost." 
 
 762. — An Extempore Sermon. An itinerant 
 
 preacher being stopped by some rude fellows, they 
 
406 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 insisted on having an extempore sermon on the spot. 
 The poor man endeavoured to excuse himself, but 
 in vain ; they only became more clamorous, and the 
 fear of personal ill-treatment induced his compli- 
 ance. He chose for his text the following verse 
 from Job : " Naked came I from my mother's 
 womb, and naked shall I return." 
 
 " I shall divide my sermon," said the ingenious 
 man, " into three heads ; the egress into life, the 
 progress through it, and the regress out of it ; and were 
 I to preach all day I could not tell you more than 
 the truth of this." His hearers were all attention, 
 when he spoke as follows : — 
 
 a By egress man doth life obtain ; 
 By progress findeth all things vain ; 
 Little pleasure, little gain ; 
 Then regress comes, and ends his pain." 
 
 763. — A Comparison. — It is with narrow-souled 
 people as with narrow-necked bottles, the less they 
 have in them the more noise they make in pouring 
 it out. 
 
 764. — A Female Pirate. — Two gentlemen meet- 
 ing a lady highly rouged, one of them said, u There 
 is a female pirate for you." " A pirate," replied 
 the other, "how can that be?" "It is plain 
 enough," continued his friend, "she is trying to 
 make captures with false colours." 
 
 765. — Voltaire, speaking of law, says, "I never 
 was but twice in my life completely on the verge of 
 ruin ; first, when I lost a law-suit ; and, secondly, 
 when I gained one." 
 
 766. — Lie-ing Opinions. — A case of gross and 
 palpable absurdity being submitted to the opinion 
 of an eminent counsel, the man of law being asked 
 if the action would lie, replied, " Yes if all the wit- 
 nesses would lie too." 
 
the world's jest-book. 407 
 
 767. — Private Theatricals; or "A Pot Disco- 
 vered." — Some time since, a set of amateurs were 
 performing Othello, and had reached that period of 
 the play where Desdemona is discovered in bed. 
 A wag, who was attached to the company, watched 
 his opportunity, and just before the scene was 
 drawn up, he ran upon the stage with a certain 
 utensil generally to be found in bed-chambers, which 
 he popped under the lady's bed, taking care, how- 
 ever, to leave a part of it exposed to the view of the 
 spectators. When the scene was shifted, the au- 
 dience, who never before had seen poor Desdemona 
 provided with this convenience, were immediately 
 convulsed with laughter, which lasted for a quarter 
 of an hour, greatly to the delight of the planner of 
 the mischief, and the astonishment of those behind 
 the scenes, who were unable to understand the cause 
 of all this mirth, and were a long time ere they 
 discovered and removed the unseemly object which 
 gave rise to it 
 
 768. — Impromptu on a Lady, ivlio, soon after 
 Marriage, separated from her Husband, and went to 
 America, 
 
 " Say, doctor, what is become of your spouse, 
 
 Who to gain you considered such bliss I" 
 a Faith she's gone to another world, and I hope 
 Will never return unto this." 
 
 769. — The Sorcerer Acquitted. — A fortune-teller 
 was arrested at his theatre of divination, al fresco, 
 at the corner of the Rue de Bussy, in Paris, and 
 carried before the tribunal of correctional police. 
 
 " You know how to read the future ?" said the 
 president, a man of great wit, but too fond of a joke 
 for a magistrate. " I do, M. le President," replied 
 the sorcerer. "In this case," said the judge, " you 
 
408 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 know the judgment we intend to pronounce V 9 
 (i Certainly." " Well, what will happen to you V 9 
 « Nothing." " You are sure of it V 9 " You will ac- 
 quit me." " Acquit you V 9 " There is no doubt of 
 it." " Why V " Because, sir, if it had been your 
 intention to condemn me, you would not have added 
 irony to misfortune." The president, disconcerted, 
 turned to his brother judges, and the sorcerer was 
 acquitted. 
 
 770. — Theatrical Mistake. — A laughable blunder 
 was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent-garden theatre, 
 some time since, in the part of Miss Sterling, in the 
 Clandestine Marriage. When speaking of the con- 
 duct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss 
 Fanny's room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. 
 G. said, "She had locked the key and carried away 
 the door in her pocket." Mrs. Davenport, as Mrs. 
 Heidelberg, had previously excited a hearty laugh 
 by substituting for the original dialogue, " I protest 
 there's a candle coming along the gallery with a 
 man in its hand ;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs 
 seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, 
 that the effect was irresistible, and the audience 
 celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause. 
 
 771. — Funeral Panegyric. — Granger, in his Bi- 
 ographical Anecdotes, mentions a Madam Cresswell, 
 a celebrated procuress in the reign of Charles the 
 Second. This lady, when dying, desired to have a 
 sermon preached at her funeral, for which the 
 preacher was to have £10, but upon this express 
 condition, that he was to say nothing but what was 
 well of her. A preacher was with some difficulty 
 found who undertook the task. He, after a sermon 
 preached on the general subject of mortality, and 
 the good uses to be made of it, concluded with say- 
 ing, " By the mil of the deceased it is expected that I 
 
THE WORLD'S pEST-BOOK. 409 
 
 should mention her, and say nothing hut what was 
 well of her. All that I shall say of her, therefore, is 
 this : — She was born well, she lived well, and she 
 died itfe^; for she was born with the name of Cress- 
 well, she lived in ClerkenweZ?, and she died in 
 BrideweZZ." 
 
 772. — Soon after the conclusion of the French 
 war in Queen Elizabeth's time, a young pert officer, 
 who had been but lately enlisted in the service, 
 came to the ordinary at the Black Horse Inn, Hol- 
 born, where Major Johnson, a brave, rough, old 
 Scotch officer, and one that feared the Lord, usually 
 dined. The young gentleman, while at dinner, was 
 venting some new fangled notions, and speaking, in 
 the gaiety of his humour, against the dispensations 
 of Providence, when the major, at first, only desired 
 him to speak more respectfully of One for whom all 
 the company had an honour ; but finding him run 
 on in his extravagance, began to reprimand him in 
 a more serious manner. " Young man," said he, 
 " do not abuse your benefactor whilst you are eating 
 his bread. Consider whose air you breathe, whose 
 presence you are in, and who it is that gave you the 
 power of that very speech which you made use of to 
 his dishonour." The young fellow, who thought to 
 turn matters into a jest, asked him if he was going 
 to preach ; but at the same time desired him to take 
 care what he said when he spoke to a man of honour. 
 "A man of honour," said the major, "thou art 
 an infidel and a blasphemer, and I shall use thee as 
 such." In short, the quarrel ran so high that the 
 young officer challenged the major. Upon their 
 coming into the garden, the old fellow advised his 
 antagonist to consider the place into which one pass 
 might plunge him ; but on finding him to grow upon 
 him to a degree of scurrility, as believing the ad- 
 
410 WIT AND. WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 vice proceeded from fear, " Sirrah," said he, * if a 
 thunderbolt does not strike thee dead before I come 
 at thee, I shall not fail to chastise thee for thy pro- 
 faneness to thy Maker, and thy sauciness to his 
 'ervant." Upon this he drew his sword, and cried 
 out with a loud voice, " The sword of the Lord and 
 of Gideon !' ; which so terrified his antagonist, that 
 he was immediately disarmed, and thrown upon his 
 knees. In this posture he begged his life, but the 
 major refused to grant it before he asked pardon in 
 a short extemporary prayer, which the old gentle- 
 man dictated upon the spot, and which his proselyte 
 repeated to him in the presence of the whole ordi- 
 nary that were then gathered about them in the 
 garden, to their no small divertion. 
 
 773. — Delay of Judgment ; a Lesson for Judges. 
 — Juvenalis, a widow, complained to Theodoric, 
 king of the Romans, that a suit of hers had been in 
 court three years, which might have been decided 
 in a few days. The king being informed who were 
 her judges, gave orders that they should give all 
 expedition to the poor woman's cause ; and in two 
 days it was decided to her satisfaction. Theodoric 
 then summoned the judges before him, and inquired 
 how it was that they had done in two days what 
 they had delayed for three years ? " The recommen- 
 dation of your majesty," was the reply. "How," , 
 said the king, " when I put you in office, did I not 
 consign all pleas and proceedings to you ? You de- 
 serve death for having delayed justice for three 
 years, which too days could accomplish ';" and, at 
 that instant, he commanded their heads to be struck 
 off. 
 
 1'tL—The Admiral's Nose— 7 Lord Hood had a 
 nose like a demi-culverin ; it, in fact, was like the 
 bowsprit of a small sloop. The sailors called him 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 411 
 
 Old Nosey, and said, if ever the admiral is shot, it 
 would be my carrying away his "jib-boom." He 
 was returning from the drawing-room one day very 
 early, and met Admiral Rowley going there. " You 
 need not go, Rowley, the room was so crowded, I 
 could hardly get my nose im" u Then," said Row- 
 ley, " I'll proceed ; for where your lordship got in 
 your nose, my body will find a free passage." 
 
 775. — Goods at Prime Cost. — A celebrated cour- 
 tezan, in the decline of her beauty, put up to sale by 
 auction, all the trinkets which she had received 
 from her former lovers. Observing some pretty 
 women who murmured at the appraisal of them as 
 too high, the fair sinner addressed them with a sly 
 look, and a kind of frown in her face, u I suppose, 
 ladies, you would hke to have them at prime cost" 
 
 776. — The Passionate Lady. — Some one said to 
 
 Lady Cleveland that Mrs. B was very often 
 
 contending with her husband, and thwarting him in 
 his opinions ; she was a very passionate woman 
 indeed. " Pshaw," said her ladyship ; " most wo- 
 men, in the indulgence of their passions, rise up 
 against their superiors." 
 
 777. — The Peer and the Sheep-stealer. — Lord 
 Karnes used to relate a story of a man who claimed 
 the honour of his acquaintance on rather singular 
 grounds. His Jordship, when one of the justiciary 
 judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, 
 happened one uight to sleep at Dunkeld. The next 
 morning walking towards the ferry, but apprehending 
 he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he 
 met to conduct him. The other answered, with 
 much cordiality, " That I will do with all my heart, 
 my lord ; does your lordship remember me ? My 
 
 name's John ; I have had the honour to be 
 
 before your lordship for stealing sheep V " Oh 
 
412 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 John, I remember you well ; and how is your wife ! 
 she had the honour to be before me too, for receiv- 
 ing them, knowing them to be stolen." u At your 
 lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got off 
 for want of evidence ; and I am still going on in the 
 butcher trade." " Then," replied his lordship, " we 
 may have the honour of meeting again." 
 
 778. — The early part of the life of Eleanor 
 Gwynn is little known. Having a very pleasing 
 voice, she used to go from tavern to tavern, to 
 amuse different companies with songs after dinner. 
 This procured her an engagement at Drury-lane, 
 where King Charles first saw her. She had her 
 influence over him till not many hours before he 
 died, for he begged the Duke of York to be mindful 
 of poor Nell. 
 
 She resided at a splendid house in St. James's 
 Square, the back room of whish, on the ground- 
 floor, was (within memory) covered with looking- 
 glasses. Over the chimney was a beautiful picture 
 of herself ; in another room was that of her sister. 
 In this house she died, in the year 1691, and was 
 pompously interred in the parish church of St. Mar- 
 tin's-in-the-field, Dr. Tennison, the then vicar, and, 
 finally Archbishop of Canterbury, preaching her 
 funeral sermon. The sermon was afterwards brought 
 forward at court by Lord Jersey, to impede the 
 doctor's preferment ; but Queen Mary having 
 heard the objection, answered, "Well, and what 
 then ? this I have heard before, and it is a proof that 
 the unfortunate woman died a true penitent, who, 
 through her life, never let the wretched ask in vain." 
 
 779. — An Irish gentleman having a small picture- 
 room, several persons desired to see it at the same 
 time. " Faith, gentleman," said he, if you all go 
 in, it will not hold you." 
 
the world's jest book. 413 
 
 780. — Anecdote of Weber. — Neither our manners 
 nor our climate suited the baron, tt who should have 
 died hereafter." When he was loudly called for 
 after the first performance of Oberon, he said to 
 Mr. Kemble, " Sir, for why you make the people 
 cry so for me ?" and it was. with great difficulty that 
 he was induced to make his appearance at the side 
 scenes ; and not then till he had frequently ex- 
 claimed, u No, no, where is de Fawcett '?" wishing 
 him to go on and receive all the honours. 
 
 If he had continued to compose for our theatres, 
 he would probably have succeeded in improving the 
 style of our singers. On one occasion, at a re- 
 hearsal, he said, " I am very sorry you tak so 
 much trouble." " Oh ! not at all ;" was the reply. 
 " Yes," he added, " but I say yes ; dat is, why you 
 tak de trouble to sing so many notes dat are not in 
 de book." 
 
 781. — Battle of Agincourt. — A gentleman, long 
 famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a 
 violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously 
 termed it "The battle of A-gin-couH. 9 - 
 
 782. — Munden, when confined to his bed, and 
 unable to put his feet to the ground, being told by 
 a friend that his dignified indisposition was the 
 laugh of the Green-room, pleasantly replied, — 
 " Though I love to laugh, and make others laugh, 
 yet I would much rather they would make me 
 & standing joke." 
 
 783. — Gaming Extraordinary. — The late General 
 Scott, so celebrated for his success in gaming, was 
 one evening playing very deep with the Count 
 D'Artois and the Duke de Chatres, at Paris, when 
 a petition was brought up from the widow of a 
 French officer, stating her various misfortunes, and 
 praying relief ; a plate was handed round, and each 
 
414 WIT and wisdom; or, 
 
 person put in one, two, or three louis d'ors ; but 
 when it was held to the general, who was going to 
 throw for a stake of 500 louis d'ors, he said, " Stop 
 a moment, if you please, sir, here goes for the 
 widow." The throw was successful, and he in- 
 stantly swept the whole into the plate, and sent it 
 down to the astonished petitioner. 
 
 784. — Father QfLeary and Counsellor Cv/rran. — 
 One day after dinner Curran said to him, " Reve- 
 rend father, I wish you were St. Peter." " And 
 why, counsellor, would you wish that I were St. 
 Peter ?" asked O'Leary. " Because, reverend fa- 
 ther, in that case," said Curran, " you would have 
 the keys of heaven, and you could let me in." "By 
 my honour and conscience, counsellor," replied the 
 divine, " it would be better for you that I had the 
 keys of the other place, for then I could let you 
 out," Curran enjoyed the joke, which he admitted 
 had a good deal of justice in it. 
 
 785. — Strong Gh*og. — A venerable but eccentric 
 member of the presbytery, lately, in attempting to 
 get into the packet boat, fell into the canal. He 
 was drawn out half drowned, and conveyed to 
 a house in the neighbourhood, where he was put to 
 bed. " Will ye tak some spirits and water, sir V* 
 asked his considerate host. " Na, na; I hae had 
 plenty of water for ae day ; I'll tak the spirits noo." 
 
 786. — Lord Nelson and Mr. Pitt.— These two 
 great men could never agree. It was told Nelson 
 that Mr. Pitt said, " He was the greatest fool he 
 ever knew when on shore." a He speaks truth," 
 said the hero, "and I would soon prove him to be 
 a fool if I had him on board of ship ; nevertheless, 
 I am as clever an admiral as he is a statesman, 
 which is saying a great deal for myself." He dis- 
 liked the man, but honoured his great talents. 
 
 1 
 
THE WORLD'S JES*>BOOK. 415 
 
 787. — Playhouse Wit. — Tn the tirro f the cele- 
 brated John Wilkes, when the outcry against the 
 influx of Scotchmen to London was at its height, 
 the play of Macbeth happened to be acted one night 
 at Old Drury. When Macduff came to that ques- 
 tion which Shakspeare puts into his mouth, "Stands 
 Scotland where it did ?" " No," bawled out a wag 
 in the gallery, " it has come to London" 
 
 788. — Letter from a Flute-Player to a Fiddler. 
 " Dear Tom, 
 
 I have played time at the overture of 
 your m^re#-board, but was told you was got into 
 your country airs. I wish we could meet and wet 
 our whistles together, and I am sure, notwithstand- 
 ing our late discord, we should agree to a hair. 
 Timothy Blowpipe." 
 
 7S9. — A Vice Chancellor of Trinity College was 
 remarkably fond of ham. He frequently asserted 
 that men ought to adhere to the principles in which 
 they were educated, and abide by the customs which 
 belonged thereto. His worship being once present 
 at a table where a hot ham was brought into the 
 room, the flavour seemed to delight him ; but be- 
 foe he could make an incision, one of the company 
 requested he would answer the following question : 
 "11 you, sir, had been educated as a Jew, how 
 would you have acted, if, when you were very hun 
 gry, such a 1mm as this had been placed before you !" 
 " Sir," replied he, " I would have made a low bow, 
 and said with Agrippa, almost thou joersuadest me to 
 be a Christian." 
 
 790. — In a country news-room, the following 
 notice is written over the chimney, "Gentlemen 
 learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's 
 paper !" 
 
416 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 791 — A woman, who was not a water drinker, 
 once walking with her husband, remarked that it 
 rained, for she had just got a drop in her eye. " Nay, 
 my dear," said he, " that you got before you left 
 home." 
 
 792. — No Variety. — When Sam Foote was once 
 at Bath, he was asked what fare he usually met at 
 Dr. Delacour's table. " Sir," replied the satirist, 
 " we have always a piece of beef, a saddle of mut- 
 ton, a couple of chickens, and Captain Matthews." 
 
 793. — BeaHie's Anecdote of a Bog. — Dr. Beattie, 
 in his Dissertations, Moral and Critical, relates 
 an instance of canine sagacity. As a gentleman 
 was walking across the Dee, when it was frozen, 
 the ice gave way in the middle of the river, 
 and down he sunk ; but kept himself from being 
 carried away in the current by grasping his gun, 
 which had fallen athwart the opening. A dog 
 who attended him, after many fruitless attempts 
 to rescue his master, ran to a neighbouring village, 
 and took hold of the coat of the first person he met. 
 The man was alarmed, and would have disengaged 
 himse¥ ; but the dog regarded him with a look so 
 kind and significant, and endeavoured to pull him 
 along with so gentle a violence, that he began to 
 think there was something extraordinary in the 
 case, and therefore suffered himself to be conducted 
 by the animal, who brought him to his master in 
 time to save his life. 
 
 794. — When Admiral Haddock was dying, he 
 called his son, and thus addressed him, " Consider- 
 ing my rank in life, and public services for so many 
 years, I shall leave you but a small fortune ; but, 
 my boy, it is honestly got, and will wear well ; 
 there are no seamen's wages or provisions, nor one 
 single penny of dirty money in it." 
 
the world's jest-book. 417 
 
 795. — A Club in Dublin. 
 
 At a club in Dublin it was agreed that if any oi 
 the company should speak in a foreign language, he 
 should be fined a bumper. Soon after one of them 
 began talking Irish, which being considered as a 
 foreign and barbarous tongue, he was fined two 
 bumpers. 
 
 796. — Singular Intermarriage. — A Mr. Hard- 
 wood had two daughters by his first wife, the eldest 
 of whom was married to John Coshick ; this Coshick 
 had a daughter by his first wife, whom old Hard- 
 wood married, and by her he had a son ; therefore, 
 John Coshick's wife could say as follows : — 
 
 My father is my son, and I'm my mother's mother ; 
 My sister is my daughter, and I'm grandmother to 
 my brother. 
 
 2d 
 
 i 
 
418 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 797. — Beau Nash. — The celebrated Nash being 
 in a market-town in the country, had occasion to 
 employ a porter about some business, in which he 
 blundered egregiously, and put Nash in a passion, 
 who scolded him severely. " Zounds, sir," said the 
 fellow, unable to bear his reproaches any longer, 
 "tell me what you'd have, and I'll get it you." 
 "Then get me, you puppy, a greater fool than 
 yourself," said Nash. Away went the porter, and 
 meeting with the mayor of the town, told him that 
 Mr. Nash was at the inn, and wanted to speak with 
 him. Nash was greatly surprised when his worship 
 told him the reason of his visit, and to excuse him- 
 self, fairly confessed what had passed between him 
 and the porter : upon which the mayor set out in a 
 passion, and immediately ordered the fellow into 
 the stocks. As soon as Nash was informed of this, 
 he repeated those lines in Pope : — 
 
 (i Unhappy wit, like most mistaken things, 
 Atones not for the mischief that it brings." 
 
 And then said he would go and comfort the poor 
 devil When he came to the place where the de- 
 linquent was confined, he thus accosted him: 
 '* Sirrah," said he, "being a poor man, what business 
 have you with wit \ It is an ingredient the rich 
 cannot but manage to their disadvantage." And 
 turning round to one of his friends, " My lord 
 
 ■ ," says he, u has so much wit, that he can 
 
 never keep a guinea in his pocket ; and Colonel 
 
 • , because of his wit, never could keep a 
 
 friend. Wit is ever dealing in difficulties : you see 
 it has brought this man to the stocks, who, if a fool, 
 might have been mayor of the town, and sent others 
 here." Then giving the porter a guinea, " There, 
 friend," says he, «is something for you; now go 
 
the world's jest-book. 419 
 
 home, and study stupidity." " That I will, master," 
 repliid the fellow, "I'll study the whole corpora- 
 tion." 
 
 798. — TJie Black Coat Observed. — As one of the 
 Princes of Orange was passing through a village on 
 a Sunday, he asked the people, " Who is the man in 
 black playing at tennis I" He was answered, " The 
 man who has the care of our souls." ee Good peo- 
 ple," said the prince, " is this the man who has the 
 care of your souls ? you had best then look about 
 you, and take a little care of them yourselves." 
 
 799. — A young lady of Namur, of good family, 
 having a gallant, was at a loss in conducting the 
 correspondence. A hair-dresser, not an unusual 
 messenger of love, was chosen as the agent ; but 
 how was he to escape the vigilance of her father, a 
 widower, who had a perpetual eye on her conduct ? 
 Singular as it may appear, the old gentleman's wig 
 was chosen as the letter-box. He wore a bag, 
 which his daughter used to take off every evening 
 when he called for his nightcap, and she was sure to 
 find a billet from her lover, which the hair-dresser 
 had placed there in the morning when he affixed 
 the bag, and which the old gentleman had unsus- 
 pectedly carried about all the day. She had suffi- 
 cient time to peruse it, and replace her answer, 
 which the hair-dresser withdrew in the morning to 
 deliver to her lover. 
 
 800. — An old woman received a letter from the 
 post-office at New York. Not knowing how to 
 read, and being anxious to know the contents, sup- 
 posing it to be from one of her absent sons, she 
 called on a person near to read the letter to her. 
 He accordingly began, and read, — " Charlestown, 
 June 23, 1833. Dear mother," then making a stop 
 to find out what followed, (as the writing was ra- 
 
420 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 ther bad,) the old lady exclaimed,— " Oh I His my 
 poor Jerry 9 he always stuttered" 
 
 301. — One Scraper enough at a time. 
 As Foote stood conversing along with a friend, 
 A wretched street fiddler his ears did offend, 
 The sound might be anything call'd but a tune, 
 And out of the window he sixpence flung soon. 
 " Good man, haste away," and kindly he swore, 
 " One scraper is surely enough for one door." 
 
 802.— It happened that the learned Patru, who* 
 was no less remarkable for his necessities than his 
 great learning, being tormented by his creditors, 
 determined at length to sacrifice his books to his 
 own ease and their satisfaction. His library, 
 therefore, was exposed to sale. Mr. Bileau heard 
 of this circumstance, and, repairing to his house, 
 made a purchase of the whole. A few hours after 
 he sent M. Patru a letter, by which he acquainted 
 him that he had a great favour to request of him, 
 and would not be refused, which was, to esteem the 
 books still his own, and to make use of them as long 
 as he lived. 
 
 803.— Ingenious Apology.— Verbruggen, the ac- 
 tor, in a dispute with one of King Charles's illegiti- 
 mate sons, was so transported by anger as to strike 
 him behind the scenes of Drury-lane, and call him, 
 (in allusion to his mother, Nell Gwynn,) a son of a 
 
 w . Complaint was made of this insult, and 
 
 Verbruggen was told he must either not act in Lon- 
 don, or publicly ask the nobleman's pardon. Ver- 
 bruggen consented, on condition he might use his 
 own terms ; and he came on the stage and said, — 
 
 «I did call the Duke of St. A a son of a 
 
 w , it is true, and lam sorry for it" 
 
 804— 4ft Elegant Compliment.— Garrick once 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 421 
 
 asked Rich, the manager of the theatre, how much 
 he thought Covent Garden would hold. u I could 
 tell to a shilling," replied the manager, "if you 
 would play Richard in it." 
 
 805. — Matrimonial Hint. — "My dear Lady B — , 
 1 1 have a terrible heart-burn." " Ah ! Sir Harry, 
 what's that to the heart-ache ?" 
 
 806. — A gentleman endeavouring to put up his 
 gig at Wandsworth, at a review of light-horse, was 
 told there were already three horses in a stall. 
 " Oh, then," continued his companion, "if that 
 is the case, we are completely forestalled " 
 
 807. — A Trifling Error. — A gentleman waiting in 
 the anti-chamber at the Exeter Concert Room, in- 
 quired of the attendant what was the nature of the 
 performance, adding, that he supposed they were 
 miscellaneous ; to which the other immediately re- 
 plied, " No, sir, I don't think she is here ; but there's 
 Miss Holdaway, and Miss George, and several other 
 excellent singers." 
 
 808. — Singing and Jumping. — Handel was once 
 the proprietor of the Opera-house, London, and at 
 the same time presided at the harpsichord in the 
 orchestra. His embellishments were so masterly, 
 that the attention of the audience was frequently 
 diverted from the singing to the accompaniment, to 
 the frequent mortification of the vocal professors. 
 A pompous Italian singer was once so chagrined at 
 the marked attention paid to the harpsichord in 
 preference to his own singing, that he swore that if 
 ever Handel played him a similar trick, he would 
 jump down upon his instrument, and put a stop to 
 the interruption. Upon which Handel thus ac- 
 costed him, — " Oh ! oh ! so you vil jump, vil you ? 
 Very veil, sare ; be so kind and tell me de night 
 venyou vil jump, and I vil advertise in de bill* and 
 
422 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 I shall get grate dale more money by your jumping 
 than I shall get by your singing." 
 
 809.— Elegant Wit. 
 As in smooth oil the razor best is whet, 
 So, wit is by politeness sharpest set ; 
 Their want of edge from their offence is seen, 
 Both pain us least when exquisitely keen. 
 
 810. — New Use of the Commandments. — A gentle- 
 man was one day telling a lady of thieves having 
 broken into a church, and stolen the communion 
 plate and the ten commandments. "I can sup- 
 pose," said the informant, " that they may melt and 
 seiJ the plate, but cannot divine for what purpose 
 they should take the commandments." " To break 
 them, to be sure," replied she, " to breaJc them." 
 
 811. — Mr. Curran, who was a very small man, 
 having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a 
 very stout man), on which words ran high on both 
 sides, called him out. The other, however, objected ; 
 " for," said he, "you are so little, that I might fire 
 at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas the 
 chance is that you shoot me at the first fire." 
 u Upon my conscience, that's true," cried Curran ; 
 " but to convince you I don't wish to take any ad- 
 vantage, you shall chalk my size upon your body, 
 and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing." 
 
 812 — A miser having lost a hundred pounds, 
 promised ten pounds reward to any one who should 
 bring it him. An honest old man, who found it, 
 brought it to the old gentleman, demanding the ten 
 pounds. But the miser, to baffle him, alleged 
 there were a hundred and ten pounds in the bag 
 when lost. The poor man, however, was advised 
 to sue for the money ; and when the cause came on 
 to be tried, it appearing that the seal had not beefe 
 
 
the world's jest-book. 423 
 
 broken, nor the bag ripped, the judge said to the 
 defendant's counsel, * The bag you lost had a hun- 
 dred and ten pounds in it, you say V "Yes, my 
 lord," said he. tc Then," replied the judge, " accord- 
 ing to the evidence given in court, this cannot be 
 the money, for here were only a hunted pounds ; 
 therefore the plaintiff must keep it till the true 
 owner appears." 
 
 813. — Benefit of Law. — Mr. Corri, the musician, 
 became bankrupt in Edinburgh, and having been 
 thrown into prison, he was liberated by the huma- 
 nity of the law of that country, which allows an in- 
 solvent debtor, who has not acted fraudulently, to 
 be released on his giving up to his creditors all his 
 property on oath. This is done by an action 
 against the creditors, called cessio honorum, in /the 
 course of which the bankrupt must satisfy the court 
 respecting his losses, &c. Mr. Corri's counsel, Mr. 
 Robert Sinclair, after enumerating a variety of 
 losses from the theatre, a tea-garden, &c, added, 
 " There is one article, my lords, which I shall read 
 to you from Mr. Corri's statement, — *I have had 
 forty-seven law-suits, ail of which I lost except one, 
 and that cost me £3 17s. 4d. for the winning of it !' " 
 
 814.— Bad is the Best. 
 " My wife's so very bad," cried Will, 
 
 " 1 fear she ne'er will hold it — 
 She keeps her bed." " Mine's worse," said Phil, 
 
 " The jade has just now sold it !" 
 
 815. — The Saw Found. — A carpenter on board a 
 ship returning from the West Indies, having lost 
 his saw, suspected the captain's negro boy oi having 
 stolen it. Mungo denied all knowledge oi the affair, 
 and in this dubious way the matter remained ; when 
 the carpenter one day exclaimed to a brother sailor, 
 
424 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 " This d — d saw sticks in my gizzard." The boy 
 instantly ran to his master, and joyfully cried out, 
 " Massa, me glad, me glad, Massa ! carpenman find 
 him saw." " Ah ! ah ! and where did he find it V 9 
 " Yes, Massa, indeed me tell no lie ; he say it stick 
 in him gizzard' 
 
 816. — Frederick III., king of Prussia, one day 
 found a Dutch merchant at the door of his palace, 
 called Sans Souci, whom he politely accosted, and 
 asked if he wished to see the gardens. The mer- 
 chant, who did not know his majesty, answered, 
 "He was afraid he could not have that satisfaction, 
 as he understood the king was there at that time." 
 u Give yourself no concern about that," replied Fre- 
 derick, " I will undertake to show it you myself." 
 He then led the merchant into the most beautiful 
 part of the garden, and desired his opinion con- 
 cerning a variety of things. When he had shown 
 him every thing that was remarkable, the Dutch- 
 man took out his purse, and would have given some 
 money to his guide. " No," said the king, " we are 
 not allowed to take anything, we should lose our 
 places if we did," The merchant thanked him, 
 took his leave very politely, fully persuaded that he 
 had been speaking to the inspector of the gardens. 
 He met the gardener, who said to him very roughly. 
 ** What do you here ? the king is yonder." The 
 Dutchman told him what had happened, and 
 praised very much the politeness of the gentleman 
 who had shown him the garden. "And do you 
 know who that is ?" asked the gardener ; " it is the 
 king himself I" The astonishment of the Dutch- 
 man may be easily imagined. 
 
 817. — A Cropt Horse. — " Indeed, indeed, friend 
 Tom," said one citizen to another, "you have 
 spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so 
 
the world's jest-book. 425 
 
 close ; what could be your reason for it V 9 "Why, 
 friend Turtle, I will tell you ; my horse had a 
 strange knack of being frightened, and on very tri- 
 fling occasions would prick up his ears as if he had 
 seen the devil ; and so, to cure him, I cropt him." 
 
 818. — Anecdote of the late Earl of Chesterfield. — 
 
 The late Lord It- , with many good qualities, 
 
 and even learning and parts, had a strong desire of 
 being thought skilful in physic, and was very expert 
 in bleeding. Lord Chesterfield, who knew his foible, 
 and on a particular occasion wished to have his 
 vote, came to him one morning, and, after having 
 conversed upon indifferent matters, complained of 
 the head-ache, and desired his lordship to feel his 
 pulse. It was found to beat high, and a hint of 
 losing blood given. " I have no objection ; and as 
 I hear your lordship has a masterly hand, will you 
 favour me with trying your lancet upon me ?" — 
 " Apropos" said Lord Chesterfield, after the opera- 
 tion, " do you go to the House to-day 1" Lord R — 
 answered, " / did not intend to go, not being suffi- 
 ciently informed of the question which is to be de- 
 bated ; but you, who have considered it, which side 
 will you be of]" The earl, having gained his con- 
 fidence, easily directed his judgment : he carried 
 him to the House, and got him to vote as he pleased. 
 He used afterwards to say, "That none of his 
 friends had done as much as he, having literally 
 bled for the good of his country." 
 
 819. — An honest industrious peasant in Picardy, 
 being observed to purchase weekly five loaves, was 
 asked what occasion could he possibly have for so 
 much bread. u One," replied the honest fellow, "I 
 take myself, one I throw away, one I return, and 
 the other two I lend." " How do you make that 
 out?" * Wby A " returned the peasant, "the on© 
 
426 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 which I take myself is for mine own vse ; the 
 second, which I throw away, is for my mother-in- 
 law; the loaf I return is for my father; and the 
 other two, which I lend, are those with which I keep 
 my two children, in hopes that they will one day re- 
 turn them to me." 
 
 820. — Charles the Second and Nell Givynn. — 
 Boman, the actor, was appointed to sing in a con- 
 cert at the lodgings of Nell Gwynn, at which were 
 present only the king, (Charles II.,) the Duke of 
 York, and one or two more, who were usually ad- 
 mitted to these parties of pleasure. The king 
 highly commended the performance. (e Then, sir," 
 said the lady, " to show you don't speak like a cour- 
 tier, I hope you will make the performers a hand- 
 some present." The king said he had no money 
 about him, and asked the Duke of York if he had 
 any. The duke replied, ee I believe, sir, not above 
 a guinea or two." The laughing lady, turning to 
 the people about her, and using the king's common 
 expression, cried, " Od's fish, what company am I 
 got into." 
 
 821. — Dancing. — An Indian of respectability 
 could never consent to his wife or daughter dancing 
 in public, nor can they reconcile the English coun- 
 try dance to their ideas of female delicacy. An 
 amiable Hindoo, at Bombay, being taken to a veran- 
 dah overlooking the assembly-room, where a num- 
 ber of ladies and gentlemen were going down 
 a country dance, his conductor asked him how he 
 liked the cheerful amusement ; the mild Indian 
 replied, (C Master, I do not quite understand this 
 business ; but in our caste we say, if we place but- 
 ter too near the fire, butter will soon melt." 
 
 822. — Anecdote for a Bishop's Table. — Not very 
 long ago, a gentleman, who sometimes speaks his 
 
the world's jest-book. 427 
 
 mind, was dining at the table of a bishop, surrounded 
 by gentlemen who do not always do so, — for they 
 were his chaplains. His lordship gave much into . 
 the marvellous, to which the inferior clergy bowed 
 assent. " And I remember," cried his lordship, 
 " when the old palace of Ely was pulled down, there 
 was a toad found under the wall at least eight 
 inches across the back, and twelve in length. The 
 toad was supposed to be a hundred years old." 
 " Wonderful" answered the chaplains. " Wonder- 
 fid indeed" answered the gentleman, " for it proves 
 that in those days there were no toad-eaters" 
 
 823. — Mr. Ccesar. — An itch for punning was 
 a constant attendant of Swift's. He dined one day 
 in company with the lord keeper, his son, and their 
 two ladies, with Mr. Csesar, treasurer of the navy, 
 at his house in the city. They happened to talk of 
 Brutus, and Swift said something in his praise ; 
 when it struck him immediately that he had made 
 a blunder in doing so ; and, therefore, recollecting 
 himself, he said, " Mr. Ccesar, I beg your pardon" 
 
 824.. — Pillars, and Caterpillars.— during the re- 
 bellion in 1745, when the troops were travelling 
 northwards, a soldier quartered at Derby was 
 greatly caressed by the landlord, who extolled the 
 military to the skies, and said that soldiers were 
 the pillars of. the nation, and invited the honest mai 
 and his wife to call on their return from Scotland 
 and they should be welcome to all his house afforded 
 for a week, a month, or a year. After the affair of 
 Culloden, returning by the same route, the soldier, 
 recollecting his landlord's kind invitation, went to 
 see him. Boniface did not know him. " Not know 
 me ?" said the soldier, " my name is Bell ; did you 
 not invite me ?" 6i Pshaw ! the danger is all over 
 now. You soldiers are the scum of the earth.' 5 
 
428 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 " Did you not say we were the pillars of the na- 
 tion 2" " I do not know what I said, but if I did 
 say so, I am sure I meant caterpillars." 
 
 825. — Cause and Effects. — A country attorney 
 drew a bill the other day upon his agent in London, 
 which was noted for non-payment. The person 
 wrote to the agent to know the reason of its being 
 dishonoured. The agent wrote on the back of thef 
 note, Cf No Effects" The other wrote again to know 
 how this could happen ; upon which he wrote back, 
 "No Causes" 
 
 826. — Half-way and Back. — An old gentleman, 
 who had been accustomed to walk round St. James's 
 Park every day, was asked by a friend whom he 
 met in the Mall, if he continued to take his usual 
 walk. " No, sir," replied the old man, " I cannot 
 do that now ; I cannot get round the park ; but I 
 will tell you what I do instead, I go half round and 
 back again." 
 
 827. — Bed is a bundle of paradoxes ; we go to it 
 with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret ; and we 
 make up our minds every night to leave it early, 
 but we make up our bodies every morning to keep 
 it late. 
 
 828. — A Sovereign's duty. — The haughty Soly- 
 man, emperor of the Turks, in his attacks on Hun- 
 gary, took the city of Belgrade, which was 
 considered as the bulwark of Christendom. After 
 this important conquest, a woman of low rank ap- 
 proached him, and complained bitterly that some of 
 his soldiers had carried off her cattle, in which con- 
 sisted her whole wealth. "You must then have 
 been in a deep sleep," said Solyman, smiling, " if 
 you did not hear the robbers." " Yes, my sove- 
 reign," replied the woman, " I did sleep soundly, 
 but it was in the fullest confidence that your high* 
 
the world's jest-book. 429 
 
 ness watched for the public safety." The emperor, 
 who had an elevated mind, far from resenting this 
 freedom, made the poor woman ample amends for 
 the loss she had sustained. 
 
 829. — Anecdote of Judge Holt. — There never was 
 a man who watched with more jealous care over 
 the privileges of the people than this upright and 
 impartial judge. He was advanced to the bench in 
 1689. While in office he was solicited to support, 
 with his officers, a party of the military which was 
 sent to disperse a riot occasioned in Holborn by the 
 frequent and violent practice of decoying young 
 men for the plantations. " Suppose," said the 
 judge to the messenger, " that the mob should not 
 disperse at your appearance, what are you to do 
 then?" "Sir," replied the officer, "we have or- 
 ders to fire on them." " Have you, sir ?" said the 
 judge ; " then take notice of this, if there be one 
 man killed, and you are tried before me, I will take 
 care you and every soldier of your party shall be 
 hanged. Sir," added he, " go back to those who 
 sent you, and tell them that no officer of mine shall 
 attend soldiers ; and let them know, at the same 
 time, that the laws of this kingdom are not to be ex- 
 ecuted by the sword ; these matters belong to the 
 civil power, and you have nothing to do with them." 
 The chief justice immediately, with his tipstaves 
 and a few constables, repaired to the spot, and after 
 addressing the populace, and promising the punish- 
 ment of those who had excited the public indigna- 
 tion, he dispersed the mob quietly. 
 
 830. — A person once knocked at the door of 
 a college-fellow, to inquire the apartments of a par- 
 ticular gentleman. When the fellow made his ap- 
 pearance, " Sir," said the inquirer, " will you be so 
 obliging as to direct me to the rooms of Mr. 1" 
 
430 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 The fellow had the misfortune to stutter. He be- 
 gan, " S-S-Sir, pl-pl-please to go to ," and then 
 
 stopped short. At length, collecting all his indig- 
 nation to the tip of his tongue, he poured out a 
 frightful expression, adding, as he shut the door, 
 " you will find him sooner than I can direct you." 
 
 831. — Punishment in Advance. — A Russian offi- 
 cer, named Valensky, who had a command in the 
 Persian expedition, had once been beaten by the 
 emperor Peter's order, mistaking him for another. 
 " Well," says Peter, " I am sorry for it, but you 
 will deserve it one day or other, and then remind 
 me that you are in arrears with me," which accord- 
 ingly happened upon that expedition, and he was 
 excused. 
 
 832. — The room wherein one of the wives of 
 Harry VIII. was sentenced to decapitation, during 
 the time that Bridewell Hospital was the royal re- 
 sidence, is now the court-room where vagabonds, 
 &c, that are apprehended in its precincts, are 
 tried, Bridewell being (though in the city) a sepa- 
 rate jurisdiction. On each side of its spacious fire- 
 place, is a worm-eaten crutch, that once supported 
 an apparently miserable cripple, scarcely able to 
 crawl ; but suspicion arising that he was an impos- 
 tor, and nothing as yet being proved to the contrary, 
 he was sentenced to imprisonment and hard labour, 
 and, as a prelude to which, a sound flogging before 
 he left the court. A wicket, about five feet high, 
 surmounted with sharp iron spikes, closing the 
 door-way, was thought sufficient to secure him 
 while the apparatus was getting ready for his 
 punishment ; but, to the utter astonishment of every 
 one present, this infirm disciple of Lazarus eluded 
 his sentence, by suddenly springing over the wicket, 
 toid escaping his pursuers. His crutches, which he 
 
the world's jest-book. 431 
 
 left behind, are still shown as a memento of his 
 agility. 
 
 833. — Dressing and Shaving. — Two sailors went 
 into a cook-shop and called for dinner. The land- 
 lady set before them a piece of pork, which had not 
 been properly singed, many long hairs adhering to 
 it. " Jack," said he to his companion, " I cannot 
 stomach this pork ; why the hairs are as thick and 
 as long as a cable." " You may eat away, gentle- 
 men," said the landlady ; " I can assure you it is 
 good meat, for I dressed it myself." "Did you so, 
 mistress ?" said the other sailor, "I wish you had 
 also shaved it yourself." 
 
 834. — Which is the Lady ? — At a fashionable 
 church in London, a real Corinthian dandy went to 
 be married. The clergyman, who was of the school 
 of Dr. Parr, looked at the thing from head to foot, 
 and then coolly turned round to the gentleman who 
 acted as father, and said, " Pray, sir, which is the 
 lady i" 
 
 835. — Curing a Scold. — In the early period of 
 the histouy of Methodism, some of Mr. Wesley's 
 opponents^ in the excess of their zeal against enthu- 
 siasm, took up a whole waggon load of Methodists, 
 and carried them before a magistrate. When they 
 were asked what these persons had done, there was 
 an awkward silence : at last, one of the accusers 
 said, u Why, they pretended to be better than other 
 people ; and, besides, they prayed from morning till 
 night." The magistrates asked if they had done 
 any thing else. " Yes, sir," said an old man, "an't 
 please your worship, they convarted my wife : till 
 she went among them she had such a tongue, and 
 now she is as quiet as a lamb." " Carry them 
 back," said the magistrate, "and let them convert 
 -vll the scolds in the town." 
 
432 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 836. — Hypochondriacism* — A medical man calling 
 one morning upon a patient, who had been on the 
 sick list a considerable time, but whose only real 
 maladies were too much money and nothing to do, 
 found his countenance illumined with a brilliance of 
 expression altogether extraordinary. Inquiring the 
 cause, he was not a little surprised to learn that the 
 good man, having been informed that the tread-mill 
 acted like a talisman on the constitution, had actu- 
 ally taken steps to erect one for his own personal 
 edification, under the firm conviction that it would 
 effect an ultimate and decided reform in his habeas 
 
 837. — Dublin Wit. — A certain alderman of that 
 city having been, on his departure from a dinner at 
 the mayoralty-house, solicited by a poor woman for 
 charity for herself and five starving children, 
 exclaimed, u I would give £50 to be as hungry as 
 any of you." 
 
 838. — Advice Gratis. — An old gentleman, who 
 frequented one of the coffee-houses, being unwell, 
 determined to make free with the professional men 
 who attended occasionally, and steal an opinion on 
 his case. Accordingly, seated perchance in the 
 same box with one of the faculty, he inquired what 
 he should take for such a complaint, naming his 
 own. " I'll tell you," replied the doctor, sarcasti- 
 cally, u you should take advice." 
 
 839. — A Miss Hudson being addressed by a naval 
 officer, whom she repulsed, it was observed, in her 
 presence, that he was not the only warrior who had 
 been foiled in endeavouring to enter Hudson's Bay. 
 
 840. — Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that 
 Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as counsel 
 for a Mr. Hay, inquired if Raine was ever known 
 t& do good to Hay # 
 
the world's jest-book. 433 
 
 841. — Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansit- 
 tart, " Your name is such a long one, I shall drop 
 the sittart, and call you Van for the future." "With 
 all my heart," said he ; " by the same rule, I shall 
 drop croft, and call you Bear." 
 
 842. — One Mrs. Trout being delivered of a son, 
 who was christened Jonas, a wag said, 
 "Three days and nights, assents the sacred tale, 
 Jonas lay hid in the belly of a whale : 
 A greater wonder now by far's come out, — 
 Jonas — from nine months' lodging in a Trout." 
 
 843. — Sir Andrew Agnew, a Scotch baronet, was 
 famous heretofore for giving broad hints. The na- 
 ture of them will be best ascertained by the follow- 
 ing anecdote : — Sir Andrew having for some time 
 been pestered by an impudent and impertinent 
 intruder, it was one day remarked to the baronet, 
 by a friend, that this man no longer appeared in 
 his company, and asked how he contrived to get rid 
 of him. " In troth," said the baronet, " I was 
 obliged to give the chield a broad hint." " A 
 broad hint," replied his friend, " I thought he was 
 one of those who could not take a hint." " By my 
 faith, but he was forced to take it," answered Sir 
 Andrew, " for, as the fellow would not gang out of 
 the door, I threw him out of the window." 
 
 844. — Lady Clare and Dr. Crompton. — Lady 
 Clare was the most witty as well as the most accom- 
 plished woman of her day, and the very soul of 
 every gay party in Dublin when her husband was 
 lord chancellor. Dr. Crompton was then a celebra- 
 ted dentist, and followed that profession only. He 
 was allowed to be the best made man in Dublin, 
 though otherwise remarkably uglv, having a tooth 
 2 E 
 

 434 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 which stuck out a quarter of an inch, and displaced 
 his upper lip ; he was remarkably vain, and a great 
 buck. 
 
 Lady Denny observing him one day superbly 
 dressed at a public ball, said to her friend Lady 
 Clare, " Does not your ladyship observe that Cromp- 
 ton has got a new suit, quite of the London cut ? 
 Don't you think he is the greatest buck in the 
 room ?" " Yes, my dear, he is the only buck-tooth 
 amongst us." He retained the name of "buck- 
 tooth " to his death. 
 
 845. — Chesterfield's Advice.*— Lord Chesterfield 
 had a chaplain who led a life that did no great ho- 
 nour to his cloth* His lordship was at length 
 compelled to take notice of his conduct, but know- 
 ing the patient was a little squeamish, he sweetened 
 the medicine to his palate in the following manner : 
 He told him, with a smile of good humour, that if 
 to the many vices he had already, he would take 
 the trouble to add one more, he did not doubt but 
 his character might be redeemed. The clergyman 
 desiring to know what it might be, was answered by 
 his lordship, a Hypocrisy, doctor ; only a little hy- 
 pocrisy." 
 
 846. — At the late Lewes Assizes, a landlord 
 brought some wine to a gentleman dining in a pri- 
 vate room, which he did not approve, an4 he 
 requested it might be changed. The landlord ex- 
 pressed his surprise at this, as he said it was greatly 
 admired by the Gentlemen of the Bar, who were 
 drinking it above stairs. * Ay," replied the other 
 very coolly, " they are not Judges" 
 
 847. — A Long Story. — An Italian nobleman, who 
 was grievously afflicted with old age and the gout, 
 entertained a conteur, or fable narrator, whose busi- 
 ne, g it was to talk him to sleep. The conteur was a man 
 
the world's jest-book. 435 
 
 to have talked the world to sleep in twenty minutes ; 
 but the excessive restlessness of his patron some- 
 times defied his utmost exertions. One night it fell 
 out that the Marchese was particularly wakeful, and 
 the contends invention more than usually slow. He 
 had exhausted his whole stock in hand of adven- 
 tures, and contrived (such as they were) three new 
 tales ; but still the patient slept not, and kept call- 
 ing upon him to continue. At length, wearied out, 
 the conteur struck at a fresh* fable. " There was a 
 poor peasant," said he, " who dwelt upon the Po- 
 meranian mountains, who went forth one day to a 
 neighbouring market to purchase a flock of sheep : 
 he made his bargain, (though prices were high,) and 
 set out on his return home, driving two hundred 
 ewes" — (" It was a large flock," muttered the Mar- 
 chese,) — "two hundred ewes beside lambs before 
 him ; but a storm arose before night, and the rivu- 
 lets swelled with the rain : at length the peasant 
 came to the bank of a wide river, which was no 
 longer fordable from the floods, though it had been 
 so when he passed in the morning. There was no 
 bridge nearer than three leagues, and the roads 
 were getting heavy for the cattle. Could a boat be 
 procured % There was one, but so small that it 
 would only carry one sheep at a time. In this di- 
 lemma the traveller had no choice ; he put a sheep 
 into the boat, rowed it over with some difficulty, 
 (for the stream was now strong and rapid,) landed 
 it on the far shore, and returned for another." 
 When the conteur had arrived at this point of his 
 story, he stopped, and composed himself to sleep ; 
 but the nobleman, who was still awake, cried out, as 
 usual, " Go on, Beneditto, go on. Why do you not 
 proceed with the farmer on his journey V 9 "Ah ! 
 let me sleep, my lord, I entreat you," returned the 
 
436 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 conteur, in despair; "I shall awake again, I am 
 sure, before he has got his sheep over." 
 
 8#8. — At the close of a silly book, the author as 
 usual printed the word Finis. A wit put this 
 among the errata, with the following couplet : — 
 
 " Finis ! — an error or a lie, my friend ! 
 In writing foolish books — there is no end." 
 
 849.— Anti-Climax.— Mr. H , the Professor 
 
 of Chemistry in the University of Dublin, who was 
 more remarkable for the clearness of his intellect 
 than the purity of his eloquence, adverted in one of 
 his lectures to the celebrated Dr. Boyle, of whose 
 talents he spoke with the highest veneration, and 
 thus concluded his eulogy; — " He was a great man," 
 said the Professor, — " a very great man : he was 
 the father of chemistry, gentlemen, and brother of 
 the Earl of Cork." 
 
 850. — Courtship and Marriage. 
 She* You men are angels while you woo the maid, 
 
 But devils when the marriage vow is said. 
 He. The change, good wife, is easily forgiven — 
 We find ourselves in hell, instead of heaven. 
 
 851. — Clerical Wit. — The facetious Watty Mor- 
 rison, as he was commonly called, was entreating 
 the commanding officer of a regiment at Fort 
 George, to pardon a poor fellow sent to the hal- 
 berds. The officer granted his petition, on condi- 
 tion that Mr. Morrison should accord with the first 
 favour he asked : the favour was to perform the ce- 
 remony of baptism for a young puppy. A merry 
 party of gentlemen were invited to the christening. 
 
 Mr. Morrison desired Major to hold up 
 
 the dog. " As I am a minister of the Kirk of Scot- 
 land," said Mr. M., "I must proceed accordingly." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST BOOK. 437 
 
 Major said he asked no more. (i Well, then, 
 
 Major, I begin with the usual question, 'You ac- 
 knowledge yourself the father of this puppy V " The 
 Major understood the joke, and threw away the 
 animal. Thus did Mr. Morrison turn the laugh 
 against the ensnarer, who intended to deride a 
 sacred ordinance. 
 
 On another occasion, a young officer scoffed at 
 the parade of study, to which clergymen assigned 
 their right to remuneration for labour, and he 
 offered to take a bet he would preach half an hour 
 upon any verse, or section of a verse, in the Old or 
 New Testament. Mr. Morrison took the bet, and 
 pointed out, " And the ass opened his mouth, and he 
 spoke." The officer declined employing his elo- 
 quence on that text. Mr. Morrison won the wager, 
 and silenced the scorner. 
 
 852. — The Archbishop and his Ways. — A gentle- 
 man passing Lambeth Palace, exclaimed to a person 
 standing at the gate next the church, * I wish the 
 Archbishop would mend his ways !" a Why, sir," 
 said the man, "what offence has the Archbishop 
 given you ?" " He has done me no wrong," replied 
 the passenger ; " I complain not of the acts of his 
 Grace, but my feet are tender, and this rough road 
 of sharp pebbles, so close to his residence, is to me 
 a place of punishment. I only wish him to mend 
 his bad path-ways." The explanation was satisfac- 
 tory, and the joke produced a laugh. 
 
 853. — Hogarth had a most enthusiastic admira- 
 tion of what he called the line of beauty ; and en- 
 thusiasm always leads to the verge of ridicule, and 
 seldom keeps totally within it. One day, Hogarth, 
 talking with great earnestness on his favourite sub- 
 ject, asserted that no man thoroughly possessed 
 with the true idea of the line of beauty, could do 
 
438 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 anything in an ungraceful manner : "I, myself," 
 added he, " from my perfect knowledge of it, should 
 not hesitate in what manner I should present any- 
 thing to the greatest monarch." He happened at 
 that moment to be sitting in the most ridiculously 
 awkward posture imaginable. 
 
 854. — Pun Judicial. — At the sessions, a girl 
 named Ann Flood pleaded guilty to an indictment 
 charging her with stealing a certain domestic uten- 
 sil. The chairman, after sentencing her to be im- 
 prisoned to the end of the sessions, observed that it 
 was only a pot carried away by A. Flood. 
 
 855. — A Complication of Disorders. — " What did 
 
 Mr. die of ?" asked a simple neighbour. tt Of 
 
 a complication of disorders," replied his friend. 
 " How do you describe this complication, my good 
 sir ?" " He died," answered the other, " of two 
 physicians, an apothecary, and a surgeon." 
 
 856. — Cant and Hypocrisy. — The following letter 
 was written by Lord Orford, in answer to an appli- 
 cation made to him to become President of the 
 Norwich Bible Society : — 
 
 66 Sir, I am surprised and annoyed by the con- 
 tents of your letter : — surprised, because my well- 
 known character should have exempted me from 
 such an application ; and annoyed, because it obli- 
 ges me to have even this communication with you. 
 
 (i I have long been addicted to the gaming-table : 
 I have lately taken to the turf : I fear I frequently 
 blaspheme ; but / have never distributed religious 
 tracts. All this was well known to you and your 
 society ; notwithstanding which, you think me a fit 
 person for your president ! God forgive your hy- 
 pocrisy ! I would rather live in the land of sinners* 
 than with such saints f . 
 
 * I am, &c, &c, » 
 
the world's jest-book. 4Zd 
 
 857. — A young girl from the country, lately on a 
 
 visit to Mr. H , a Quaker, was prevailed on to 
 
 accompany him to the meeting. It happened to be 
 a silent one, none of the brethren being moved by 
 
 the Spirit to utter a syllable. When Mr. H 
 
 left the meeting-house with his young friend, he 
 asked her, " How dost thee like the meeting ?" 
 To which she pettishly replied, " Like it ? why, 
 I can see no sense in it ; to go and sit for whole 
 hours together without speaking a word, it is enough 
 1 to hill the devil. 9 " Ci Yes, my dear," rejoined the 
 Quaker, " that is just wha£ we want." 
 
 858. — Proclamation Extraordinary. — The town- 
 crier of Cheltenham being lately ordered to give 
 public notice that all defaulters of the King's taxes 
 would be exchequered, performed his commission as 
 follows : — " Notice is hereby given, that all'persons 
 
 who do not pay their taxes before the June, 
 
 will be executed according to the law." 
 
 859. — The report having gone abroad that a fe- 
 male pedant, who was somewhat of a linguist, was 
 about to be married, a severe wit observed, " He 
 could answer for her disposition to congregate, but 
 feared she would have no opportunity of declining." 
 
 860. — Lord Norbury. — His Lordship, while lately 
 indisposed, was threatened with a determination of 
 
 blood to the head. Surgeon C 1 accordingly 
 
 opened the temporary artery; and, whilst attending 
 to the operation, his lordship said to him in his 
 
 usual quick manner, " C 1, 1 believe you were 
 
 never called to the bar ?" u No, my lord, I never 
 was," replied the surgeon. "Well, I am sure, doc- 
 tor, I can safely say you have cut a figure in the 
 temple" 
 
 861. — A Querulous Man. — Mr. Tyers (the pro- 
 prietor of Vauxhall Gardens) was a worthy man, 
 
440 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 but indulged himself a little too much in the queru- 
 lous strain when anything went amiss ; insomuch, 
 that he said, if he had been brought up a hatter, he 
 believed people would have been born without 
 heads ! A farmer once gave him a humorous re- 
 proof for this kind of reproach of heaven : he 
 stepped up to him very respectfully, and asked him 
 when he meant to open his gardens. Mr. Tyers 
 replied, the next Monday fortnight. The man 
 thanked him repeatedly, and was going away ; but 
 Mr. Tyers asked him in return, what made him so 
 anxious to know. " Why, sir," said the farmer, 
 " I think of sowing my turnips on that day, for you 
 know we shall be sure to have rain." 
 
 862. — Charles the Second. — Amongst the numer- 
 ous satires which were written against the King 
 and the* Court in this reign, was a ballad called 
 " Old Rowley," which lashed his Majesty very se- 
 verely, by comparing him to an ugly, old, broken- 
 down stallion of his, which went by that name. One 
 evening, when the king went to visit Mrs. Halford, 
 a favourite young lady, he overheard her singing 
 this very song, but did not think proper to knock 
 till she had finished. The lady, finding that some 
 person was at the door, asked, " Who is there V 9 to 
 which the king humorously replied, "It is old Row- 
 ley himself, madam." 
 
 863. — Two dinner-hunters meeting in Pall-Mali 
 a short time back, one inquired of the other how he 
 had been for some days. He replied, " In a very 
 poor way indeed, I have not been able to eat any- 
 thing at all." "God bless me," said his hungry 
 friend, " that is extremely strange, you generally 
 have a very good appetite ; you must have been se- 
 riously ill." " Oh ! not at all, believe me ; you 
 misconceive my meaning, I could have eat, but the 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 441 
 
 reason why I have not been able to do so, is, that no 
 one JiojS admitted me to dinner." 
 
 864. — Anecdotes of Mr. Curran, — Mr. Curran 
 was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arri- 
 ved in England, could mean by perpetually putting 
 out his tongue. u I suppose," replied the wit, * he's 
 trying to catch the English accent" 
 
 In speaking of a learned sergeant, who gave 
 a confused, elaborate, and tedious explanation of 
 some point of law, Curran observed, " That when- 
 ever that grave counsellor endeavoured to unfold a 
 principle of law, he put him in mind of a fool whom 
 he once saw struggling a whole day to open an oys- 
 ter with a rolling-pin." 
 
 865. — Sheridan Surprised. — Sheridan used to 
 borrow money in advance of his bankers, on ac- 
 count of the receivership of the Duchy of Cornwall, 
 which, in his latter days, as he stated in the House 
 of Commons, was all he had to exist upon. He one 
 day requested the banker, with due humility, to 
 lend him twenty pounds. a Certainly, sir ; perhaps 
 you would like fifty 1" a It would be very accept- 
 able." " Or a hundred, sir ?" " That would be 
 still better," said the astonished Sheridan. " Or 
 two hundred, sir V said the banker. "What is the 
 meaning of this ? surely you are. not bantering 
 me 1" said the wondering M.P. " Oh, then, sir, 
 perhaps you have not yet received our letter?" 
 which was the case ; for on that day a draft of 
 £1200 had been paid in for the receiver-general*, 
 
 866. — Sheridan Money-bound. — Sheridan, in his 
 journies, had often to stop at the inns on the road 
 till he got a remittance from the treasurer of the 
 theatre. He always marked the letters which he 
 sent on these occasions, " Money-bound," implying 
 he could not weigh anchor and leave port till a sup- 
 
442 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 ply made the wind fair. When he separated from 
 the theatre entirely, and a general examination of 
 documents took place, there were four hundred and 
 twelve a money-bound " letters of his upon the 
 files. 
 
 867. — Matrimony. — The following curious adver- 
 tisement is extracted from the " British Press " 
 newspaper of 1807, and we doubt not but that if a 
 matrimonial lottery office were established, it 
 would be a profitable speculation, 1 and would accom- 
 modate many bashful bachelors and forlorn virgins, 
 who now pine in single-blessedness^ and are igno- 
 rant of those joys which are the chief delight and 
 source of our existence : — 
 
 u Ladies. — As many ladies, from a retired life, 
 or undue restraint, or caprice, have not entered into 
 the matrimonial state, Mrs. Morris, No. 27, Clip- 
 stone-street, Fitzroy-square, undertakes to obtain 
 them objects to their wishes. Those who have em- 
 ployed her, will confess she is deserving the utmost 
 confidence : it never can be known that ladies 
 apply to her, if they do not disclose it themselves : 
 as her connexions are extensive, it is supposed that 
 she knows where to find unmarried ladies, without 
 their applying to her. She is at home every morn- 
 ing from ten till three, and every afternoon from 
 five till eight. None but persons of fortune, and of 
 the most irreproachable characters, will be treated 
 with. No letters received that are not post-paid." 
 
 868. — Butch Cleanliness. — Sir William Temple, 
 observing upon the extravagant neatness of the 
 people of Holland, mentions a circumstance of a 
 magistrate going to visit the mistress of a house at 
 Amsterdam, where, knocking at the door, a tight, 
 strapping, North-Holland lass came and opened it. 
 He asked whether her mistress was at home ; she 
 
the world's jest-book. 443 
 
 said, "Yes," and with that he offered to go in ; but 
 the wench, marking his shoes were not very clean, 
 took him by both arms, threw him upon her back, 
 carried him across two rooms, set him down at the 
 bottom of the stairs, pulled off his shoes, put him 
 on a pair of slippers that stood there, and all this 
 without saying a word ; but when she had done, she 
 told him that he might go to her mistress, who was 
 in a room above. 
 
 869. — TJie Captive's Friend, — During one of the 
 wars in India, Major Gowdie became Tippoo's pri- 
 soner, and was confined with many other gentlemen 
 in Bangalore, where they suffered every species of 
 insult, hardship and barbarity. A humane and be- 
 neficent butcher, whose business led him often to 
 the prison, saw and felt for their sufferings ; for 
 they had been stripped of their clothes and robbed 
 of their money - before they were confined. It 
 would have cost the butcher his ears, and perhaps 
 his life, had he discovered any symptoms of pity 
 for the prisoners before his countrymen. They 
 were allowed only one seer of rice, and a piece, or 
 half-penny, per day for their subsistence ; but the 
 butcher contrived to relieve their necessities. Upon 
 opening the sheeps' heads, which they frequently 
 bought of him for food, they were astonished to find 
 pagodas in them. In passing the yard of their pri- 
 son, he often gave them abusive language, and 
 threw balls of clay or dirt at them, as if to testify his 
 hatred or contempt ; but, on breaking the balls, 
 they always found that they contained a supply of 
 money for their relief ; and this he did frequently 
 for a long time, until the prisoners were released. 
 
 In the following war, Major Gowdie was destined 
 to attack Bangalore ; and he had not long entered 
 the breach, when he saw and recollected his old 
 
444 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 friend the butcher. He ran with eagerness to em- 
 brace him, saved him from the carnage, and led him 
 to a place of safety. The transport of the two ge- 
 nerous souls, at their meeting, gave the most plea- 
 sant sensations to all who beheld them : it softened 
 the rage of the soldiers, and made the thirst of 
 blood give way to the soft emotions of humanity. 
 
 870. — Second Thoughts Best. — To retract from an 
 evil design, not only shows wisdom, but that a man 
 is master of his passions and humours ; whereas, 
 some men are so resolutely bigoted to their judg- 
 ments and opinions, that if they once engage in any 
 particular scheme, they will pursue it, however op- 
 posed By self-reproaches and inconveniences. A 
 person having been at a gaming-house, and lost all 
 his money and estate, grew desperate, and deter- 
 mined to hang himself on the first convenient sign- 
 post he came to. Coming to a proper place, he 
 fixed his garters, and was preparing for execution, 
 when, on a sudden, a merry thought came into his 
 head, which diverted him from his purpose, and he 
 went away, saying, " I reprieve thee from day to 
 day, till thou diest a natural death." 
 
 871. — Ludicrous Anecdote. — Sir Peter Lely, a 
 famous painter, in the reign of Charles I., agreed 
 for the price of a full-length, which he was to draw 
 for a rich alderman of London, who was not indebted 
 to nature either for shape or face. When the pic- 
 ture was finished, the alderman endeavoured to 
 beat down the price, alleging, that if he did not pur- 
 chase it, it would lay on the painter's hands. " That 
 is your mistake," said Sir Peter, u for I can sell it 
 at double the price I demand." u How can that 
 be ?" says the alderman ; "for it is like nobody but 
 myself." " But I will draw a tail to it, and then it 
 will be an excellent monkey." Mr. Alderman, to 
 
the world's jest-book. 445 
 
 prevent an exposure, paid the sum agreed for, and 
 carried off the picture. 
 
 872. — Anecdote of Shakspeare. — Shakspeare was 
 performing the part of a king in one of his own 
 tragedies ; standing near the queen's box, and hav- 
 ing given orders to the attending officers, Elizabeth, 
 wishing to know whether he would depart from the 
 dignity of the sovereign, at that instant dropped her 
 handkerchief : when the mimic monarch, instantly 
 exclaimed, 
 
 fc But/ere this be done, 
 
 Take up our sister's handkerchief." 
 
 873. — A Soldier's Answer to Ms General. — An 
 Indian general reviewing his troops of horse, said 
 to one of the soldiers, " Why is thy horse so thin ?" 
 "I have a wife and children," replied the man, 
 " who are much thinner ; and can I support them 
 all with the pay the sultan gives me ?" The gene- 
 ral was moved with the poverty and ingenuity of 
 the man : " Here," said he, giving him a large sum 
 of money, " now nourish thy family, and fatten thy 
 horse." 
 
 874. — Puppyism. — A young dashing blade went 
 into a haberdasher's shop the other day to buy 
 a watch-ribbon, which came to four-pence. He 
 laid a shilling on the counter ; the man immediately 
 gave him sixpence only, forgetting the two-pence 
 due to him : so, after some time, when this Bond- 
 street lounger had looked at the man, and the man 
 at him, " Fellow," said he, "fatigue me with my 
 twopence !" 
 
 875. — Essay on Snuff-taking. — Every professed, 
 inveterate and incurable snuff-taker, at a moderate 
 computation, takes one pinch in ten minutes. Every 
 pinch, with the agreeable ceremony of blowing ana 
 
446 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 wiping the nose, and other incidental circumstances, 
 consumes one minute and a half. 
 
 One minute and a half out of every ten, allowing 
 sixteen hours to a snuff-taking day, amounts to two 
 hours and twenty-four minutes out of every natural 
 day, or one day out of every ten. 
 
 One day out of every ten amounts to thirty-six 
 days and a half in a year. 
 
 Hence, if we suppose the practice to he persisted 
 in for forty years, two entire years of the sriuff- 
 taker's life will he dedicated to tickling his nose, 
 and two more to blowing it. 
 
 In the expense of snuff-boxes and handkerchiefs, 
 it will appear, that this luxury encroaches as much 
 on the income of the snuff- taker, as it does on his 
 time ; and that, by a proper application of the time 
 and money thus lost to the public, a fund might be 
 constituted for the discharge of the national debt. 
 
 876 The Duchess of Devonshire, well known 
 
 for her literary talents, had invited a select com- 
 pany of fashionables to dinner, and to enjoy the 
 pleasures of music and of literary conversation. 
 Amongst others to whom she sent invitations, were 
 the Messrs. Smith, brothers, one of whom is the 
 -author of "The Rejected Addresses/ 9 and both well 
 known in the literary world. The invitation was so 
 worded, that they were not to arrive till the dinner 
 was over ; for, being plebeians, they were scarcely 
 fit to mingle with the patricians, and were to enliven 
 the noble company by their brilliant flashes of wit. 
 To the duchess's note, Mr. George Smith returned 
 for answer, " That he was very sorry, as was also 
 his brother, that they could not avail themselves of 
 the honour her Grace had done them, but both hav- 
 ing accepted prior engagements, his brother to grin 
 through a collar at Peckham fair, and he himself to 
 
the world's jest-book. 447 
 
 eat tripe for a wager with the dogs in Clare-market, 
 they were obliged to decline attending." The 
 duchess, upon the receipt of this note, instantly des- 
 patched her steward with another, apologizing for 
 the first note, and hoped they would honour her 
 with their company, which they did : having thus, 
 by their spirit, asserted their equality. 
 
 877. — The Volunteer. — A sailor who had not seen 
 the inside of a church for some time, strolled into 
 that of Portlock, in Somersetshire, just as the mi- 
 nister ascended the pulpit, who gave out for his 
 text, " Wilt thou go with me to Ramoth Gilead, 
 to battle ?" which being twice repeated, the tar, with 
 some warmth, rose up and exclaimed, " What, do 
 none of you answer the gentleman % For my part, 
 if nobody else will go, I'll go with him myself, with 
 all my heart." 
 
 878. — The clergyman of a country village repre- 
 hending one of his parishioners for quarrelling with 
 his wife so loudly, and so frequently, as to be a 
 source of perpetual disturbance to the neighbour- 
 hood, in the course of his exhortation, remarked, 
 that the scriptures declared, that man and wife 
 were one. " Ay, that may be, sir," answered 
 Hodge, "but if you were to go by when me and my 
 wife were at it, you'd think there were twenty 
 of us!" 
 
 879. — A Quaker, a few days since, having been 
 called in evidence at a Quarter Sessions, one of the 
 magistrates, who had been a blacksmith, desired to 
 know why he would not take off his hat. "It is a 
 privilege," said the witness, " that the laws and li- 
 berality of my country indulge people of our reli- 
 gious mode of thinking in." " If I had it in my 
 power," said the justice, "I would have your hat 
 nailed to your head." " I thought," said Obadiah 
 
448 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 " that thou hadst given over the trade of driving 
 nails." 
 
 880. — Philip II., walking one day alone in one of 
 the cloisters of the Escurial, an honest tradesman, 
 seeing the door open, went in. Transported with ' 
 admiration of the fine paintings with which that 
 house was adorned, he addressed himself to the 
 king, whom he took for one of the servants of the 
 convent, and desired him to show him the paintings, 
 and explain the subjects of them. Philip, with all 
 the humility and condescension of a lay-brother, 
 conducted him through the apartments, and gave 
 him all the satisfaction he could desire. At parting, 
 the stranger took him by the hand, and squeezing it 
 affectionately, said, "I am much obliged to you, 
 friend ; I live at St. Martins, and my name is 
 Michael Bambis : if you should chance to come 
 my way, and call upon me, you will find a glass of 
 good wine at your service." " And my name," 
 said the pretended servant, " is Philip the Second ; 
 and if you will call upon me at Madrid, I will give 
 you a glass of as good." 
 
 881. — A Bold Monitor. — Agustus Caesar was once 
 sitting in judgment when Macenas was present, 
 who, perceiving that the emperor was about to pass 
 sentence of death upon a number of persons, endea- 
 voured to get up to him ; but being hindered by 
 the crowd, he wrote on a piece of paper, " When 
 are you going to rise, hangman ?" and then threw 
 the note into Caesar's lap. Caesar immediately rose 
 without condemning any person to death ; and far 
 from taking the sarcastic admonition of Macenas 
 amiss, he felt much troubled that he had given 
 cause for it. 
 
THE world's jest-book. 449 
 
 882. — The Punishment — An honest Irishman in 
 the service of Louis the Fourteenth, having taught 
 a fellow in his chamber, after some words, told him 
 he would let him escape that time, but if ever he 
 found him there again, he would throw his hat out 
 of the window. Notwithstanding this terrible threat, 
 in a very few days he caught the spark in the very 
 same plaice, and was as good as his word. Knowing 
 what he had done, he posted away to a place where 
 he knew the kmg was to be, and throwing himself 
 at his majesty's feet, implored his pardon. The 
 king asked him what his offence was. He told him 
 that he had been abused, and that he had thrown 
 the man's hat out of the window. " Well, well," 
 said the king, laughing, "I very readily forgive you, 
 considering your provocation, I think you were 
 2f 
 
450 WIT AND WISDOM \ OR, 
 
 much in the right to throw his hat out of the win- 
 dow." " Yes, and it please you, my liege," said 
 the dragoon, "but his head was in it." "Was it 
 bo ?" replied the king, "well, well, my word is past." 
 
 883. — Honourable Enemy. — Cneius Domitius, tri- 
 bune of the Roman people, eager to ruin his enemy, 
 Marcus Scaurus, chief of the senate, accused him 
 publicly of several high crimes and misdemeanours. 
 His zeal in the prosecution tempted a slave of Scau- 
 rus, through hope of a reward, to offer himself pri- 
 vately as a witness. But justice here prevailed 
 over revenge ; for Domitius, without uttering a sin- 
 gle word, ordered the perfidious wretch to be fet- 
 tered, and carried to his master. So universally 
 was this action admired, that it procured Domitius 
 an accession of honours which he could scarcely 
 have hoped for otherwise. He was successively 
 elected consul, censor, and high- priest. 
 
 884. — Anecdote of Quin. — A ]ady of much cari- 
 Cfttui'ing sensibility, was detaining Quin, while 
 buying a pair of gloves, with expressions of her ar- 
 dent desire to see him make love. Quin, who 
 seems to have been the Doctor Johnson of the 
 Stage, if we may judge irom the character of his re- 
 plies, answered, "Madam, I never make love; 
 I always buy it ready made." 
 
 885. — Louis XI., when young, used to visit a 
 peasant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. 
 Soon after he ascended the throne, this peasant 
 waited on him with his little present, a turnip, the 
 produce of his own garden, of an extraordinary size. 
 The king, smiling, remembered the hours of plea- 
 sure he had passed with him, and ordered a thou- 
 sand crowns to be given to him. The lord of tlie 
 village hearing of this liberality, thought withiftj 
 himself, "If this peasant gets a thovsand crowna 
 
the world's jest-book. 451 
 
 for a turnip, I have only to present his majesty with 
 a handsome horse, and my fortune is made." Ar- 
 riving at court, he requested the king's acceptance 
 of one. Louis highly praised the steed, and the 
 donor's expectations were raised to the utmost, 
 when the king exclaimed, " Bring me my turnip.!" 
 and added, as he presented it to the noblenian, 
 " there, this cost me a thousand crowns, I give it 
 you in return for your horse." 
 
 886. — Noble Generosity. — When the earl of Spen- 
 cer was a boy, he called at an inn at St, Alban's, 
 where he had frequently stopped, and observing 
 that the landlord looked unusually dejected, asked 
 him the cause. He said, " That affairs ran cross, his 
 creditors were severe, and he should be soon obliged 
 to shut up his house." " That is a pity," said the 
 young nobleman ; " how much money will be re- 
 quired to reinstate you ?" 4i Oh ! your honour, a 
 great sum ; not less than a thousand pounds." 
 " And would that sum perfectly answer the pur- 
 pose V a It would, sir ; and I would honestly 
 repay any gentleman who 'would be generous 
 enough to advance it." Young Spencer said no 
 more, but ordering his horses to his carriage, 
 posted back to London, and going instantly to his 
 guardian, told him he wanted a thousand pounds. 
 " A thousand pounds, sir !" said the guardian, " it 
 is a large sum. May I ask to what purpose it is to 
 be applied ?" " No purpose of extravagance, upon 
 my honour, but I will not tell you to what use it 
 is to be destined." The guardian refused to ad- 
 vance the cash. The young gentleman hurried to 
 his relations, and made his complaint : a consulta- 
 tion was held, and it was at length agreed to let him 
 ihave the money, without demanding the mode in 
 which he intended to 'dispose of it. He carried L 
 
452 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 immediately to the distressed landlord, wnose busi- 
 ness was conducted with fresh vigour, and his inn 
 has been since one of the most capital in England. 
 
 887. — Perfidy Punished. — Brutus, the general, 
 having conquered the Patarenses, ordered them, on 
 pain of death, to bring him all their gold and silver, 
 and promised rewards to such as should discover 
 any hidden treasures. Upon this, a slave, belonging 
 to a rich citizen, informed against his master, and 
 discovered to a centurion the place where he had 
 buried his wealth. The citizen was instantly seized 
 and brought, together with the treacherous informer, 
 before Brutus. The mother of the accused followed 
 them, declaring, with tears in her eyes, that she 
 had hidden the treasure without her son's know- 
 ledge, and that, consequently, she alone ought to be 
 punished. The slave maintained that his master, 
 and not the mother, had transgressed the edict. 
 Brutus heard both parties with great patience, and 
 being convinced that the accusation of the slave was 
 chiefly founded on the hatred he bore to his master, 
 he commended the tenderness and generosity of the 
 mother, restored the whole sum to the son, and or- 
 dered the slave to be crucified. This judgment, 
 which was immediately published all over Lycia, 
 gained him the hearts of the inhabitants, who came 
 in flocks to him from all quarters, offering, of their 
 own accord, the money they possessed. 
 
 888. — Perfidy Rewarded, — What a noble contrast 
 does the conduct of Brutus form to the base cruelty 
 which disgraced the reign of James II., on an occa- 
 sion not very dissimilar. During Monmouth's re- 
 bellion, one of his followers, knowing the humane 
 disposition of a lady of the name of Mrs. Grant, 
 whose life was one continued exercise of beneficence, 
 fled to her house, where he was maintained and 
 
 - 
 
the world's jest-book. 453 
 
 concealed for some time. Hearing, however, of 
 the proclamation which promised an indemnity and 
 reward to those who discovered such as harboured 
 the rebels, he betrayed his benefactress ; and such 
 was the spirit of justice and equity which prevailed 
 among the ministers, that the ungrateful wretch 
 was pardoned, and recompensed for his treachery, 
 while his benefactress was burnt alive for her 
 charity towards him. 
 
 889.— Eccentric Verdict. — A young lady in Wash- 
 ington, America, having committed suicide in a fit 
 of love phrenzy, the coroner's jury brought in the 
 following verdict:— "Died by the visitation of 
 Cupid." 
 
 890.— A Lamb's Fry better than Nothing.— A 
 comical old fellow, who loved to be saving, having 
 been to market to purchase a lamb's fry, on his re- 
 turn met an acquaintance, who accosted him with 
 ■ Ah ! Mr. Gripe'em, what, you've been to pur- 
 chase some provision V 9 « Yes," said the old man, 
 " a nice lamb's fry for my supper." " Ah !" said 
 the other, " nothing is better for supper than lamb's 
 fry." " I beg your pardon," retorted the old gentle- 
 man, " but T think lamb's fry is better than nothing." 
 
 891. — A Sailor a Judge of Horse-flesh. — Some 
 sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, 
 lately determined on purchasing a horse for the 
 use of the mess ; accordingly, one of them was 
 pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this ho- 
 nest tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse- 
 dealer, who brought out a very clever-looking horse 
 for the sailor's inspection, which he particularly re- 
 commended to him as being a nice short backed 
 horse. " Ay, that may be," said the sailor, " and 
 that's the very reason he won't do, for there's seven 
 of us." 
 
454 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 892. — Simplicity. — A West Indian, who had a 
 remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro 
 boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito ho- 
 vering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very 
 attentively, and at last saw it alight upon his mas- 
 ter's nose, and immediately fly off again. 6i Ah !" 
 exclaimed the negro, "me glad to see yeu burn 
 your foot!" 
 
 893. — A Bishop's Epitaph. — "In this house, 
 which I have borrowed from my brethren, the 
 worms, lie I, Samuel, by divine permission late 
 bishop of this island, in hopes of the resurrection to 
 eternal life. Reader, stop ! view the lord bishop's 
 palace, and smile." 
 
 894. — Jack Bannister and the Barber's Block. — 
 While this celebrated son of Momus was playing a 
 part in the Weathercock, at Southampton, in the 
 height of his military furor he made a desperate 
 cut at the wig-block, which had previously been his 
 opponent in his imaginary court : when the caput 
 ligneum, whose assurance was but frail, suddenly 
 detached itself from its frame, and rebounded from 
 the stage into the orchestra, plump on the strings 
 of the double-bass. A few notes of discord was all 
 the injury sustained, and Bannister, with his usual 
 nonchalance observed, " There, my opponent at the 
 bar has got into a scrape at last." 
 
 895. — Philip, King of Macedon, having drunk too 
 much wine, happened to determine a cause unjustly, 
 to the prejudice of a poor widow, who, when she 
 heard his decree, boldly cried out, " I appeal to 
 Philip sober." The king, struck with the peculiarity 
 of the event, recovered his senses, heard the cause 
 afresh, and, finding his mistake, ordered her to be 
 paid out of his own purse, double the sum she was 
 to have lost. This is an example worthy imitation. 
 
the world's jest-book. 455 
 
 896. — Female Delicacy. — A company of fashion- 
 ole ladies, in conversation, were discussing the 
 merits of various popular English novels, when one 
 lady remarked, that she preferred " Tom Jones " to 
 M Sir Charles Grandison," as being more interesting, 
 and giving a truer picture of living manners. A 
 city lady, eager to show her deep reading and ob- 
 servation, exclaimed, " Yes, ma'am, and I too pre- 
 fer Tom Jones, whom I have just left in bed with 
 another man's wife." 
 
 897. — Extraordinary Soldier. —Samuel Macdon- 
 ald, a soldier in the Sutherland Fencibles, was seven 
 feet four inches in height, and every way stout in 
 proportion. He was too large to stand in the ranks, 
 and generally stood on the right of the regiment 
 when in line, and marched at the head when in co- 
 lumn ; but he was always accompanied by a moun- 
 tain deer of uncommon size. This animal was so 
 attached to Macdonald, that, whether on duty with 
 his regiment, or in the streets, the hart was always 
 at his side. The Countess of Sutherland, with 
 great kindness, allowed him 2s. 6d. per day extra 
 pay ; judging, probably, that so large a body must 
 require more sustenance than his military pay 
 could afford. He attracted the notice of the Prince 
 of Wales, and was for some time one of the porters 
 at Carlton House. When the 93rd was raised, he 
 could not be kept from his old friends, and, joining 
 the regiment, he died in Jersey, in 1802, much re- 
 gretted by his corps. 
 
 898. — Cut jor Cut. — A gentleman at Paris amu- 
 sing himself in the gallery of the Palais Royal, 
 observed, while he was carelessly looking over some 
 pamphlets at a bookseller's shop, a suspicious fellow 
 stand rather too near him. The gentleman wag 
 dressed according to the fashion of the times, in a 
 
456 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 coat with a prodigious number of silver tags and tas- 
 sels, upon which the thief began to have a design ; and 
 the gentleman, not willing to disappoint him, turned 
 his head another way, to give him an opportunity. 
 The thief immediately set to work, and in a trice 
 twisted off seven or eight of the silver tags. The 
 gentleman perceived it ; and, drawing out a pen- 
 knife, caught the fellow by the ear, and cut it off 
 close to his head. " Murder ! murder 1" cries the 
 thief. " Robbery ! robbery !" cries the gentleman. 
 Upon this the thief, in a passion, throwing them at 
 the gentleman, roared, " There are your tags and 
 buttons." * " Very well," says the gentleman, throw- 
 ing it back in like manner, " there is your ear" 
 
 899.— An Elegy. 
 
 Good people all, with one accord, 
 
 Lament for Madam Blaise, 
 Who never wanted a good word 
 
 From those who spoke her praise. 
 
 The needy seldom passed her door, 
 
 And always found her kind : 
 She freely lent to all the poor 
 
 Who left a pledge behind. 
 
 She strove the neighbourhood to please 
 With manner wondroifs winning ; 
 
 And never followed wicked ways, 
 Unless when she was sinning. 
 
 At church, in silks and satins new, 
 
 With hoops of monstrous size ; 
 She never slumbered in her pew 
 
 But when she shut her eyes.. 
 
the world's jest-book. 457 
 
 Her love was sought, I do aver, 
 
 By twenty beaux and more ; 
 The king himself has followed her 
 
 When she has walk'd before. 
 
 But now, her wealth and finery fled, 
 
 Her hangers-on cut short all ; 
 Her doctors found, when she was dead, 
 
 Her last disorder mortal. 
 
 Let us lament, in sorrow sore, 
 
 For Kent-street well may say, 
 That had she liv'd a twelvemonth more, 
 
 She had not died to-day. 
 
 900. — A Sailor's Horsemanship. — An officer of 
 one of the ships at Spithead having occasion to send 
 to his country-house in great haste, a few days 
 since, despatched a sailor on horseback with a letter, 
 who, after delivering it, and being refreshed, and 
 the horse fed, went to the stable to prepare for his 
 return. A bystander observed to him, "that ho 
 was putting on the saddle the hind part before." 
 The sailor replied, " how do you know which way I 
 am going to ride ?" 
 
 901. — Keeper of the Wardrobe; or, Canine Saga- 
 city. — Among the innumerable instances of sagacity 
 which are justly related of the brute creation, the 
 followingirecent one is well worth observation. A 
 short time since, the coat, waistcoat, &c, of a gen- 
 tleman engaged in a match at tennis at one of the 
 public courts, were mixed indiscriminately among 
 the clothes belonging to several others engaged in 
 the same party. When the match was concluded, 
 the attendant could not find a single article belong- 
 ing to the first mentioned gentleman, and, supposing 
 they were stolen, communicated his suspicions j 
 
453 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 upon which the gentleman inquired for his dog, one 
 of the Newfoundland breed, who was discovered in 
 a retired corner, with all the clothes bundled toge- 
 ther lying under him, grumbling certain consequen- 
 ces to every one who approached him, except his 
 master, to whom he resigned his voluntary charge, 
 with the utmost gentleness. 
 
 902. — Sharp Work. — A person who, in the course 
 of a tedious law-suit, had given his attorney many 
 hospitable invitations, was surprised at last to find 
 
 as an article in his bill, " Dining with you 
 
 times, at 6s. 8d. each." Being indignant at this re- 
 turn to his kindness, he resolved to turn the tables 
 in some degree on the attorney, and accordingly 
 charged him five shillings a time for his dinners 
 and wine. The man of law, however, was too deep 
 for him, and informed against him for selling wine 
 without a licence. 
 
 903. Noble Sentiment. — Louis XII. showed a 
 great and noble mind, when, being advised to 
 punish those persons who had wronged him before 
 he was king, he answered, " It does not become 
 a King of France to avenge injuries done to a Duke 
 of Orleans." 
 
 904. — Lord Anson. — On a stone pedestal against 
 the inn at Goodwood, in Sussex, is the Lion, carved 
 in wood, which adorned the head of Commodore 
 Anson's ship, the Centurion, during the circumna- 
 vigation of the globe. It has the following in- 
 scription : — 
 
 Stay, traveller, awhile, and view 
 One who has travelled more than you. 
 Quite round the globe, in each degree, 
 Anson and I have ploughed the sea ; 
 Torrid and frigid zones have pass'd, 
 And safe ashore arrived at last. 
 
the world's jest-book. 45$ 
 
 905. — ± riendly Warmth. — Addison and Mr. Tem- 
 ple Stanyan were very intimate. In the familiar 
 conversations which passed between them, they 
 were accustomed freely to dispute each other's 
 opinions. Upon some occasion, Mr. Addison lent 
 Stanyan five hundred pounds. After this, Mr. 
 Stanyan behaved with a timid reserve, deference, 
 and respect ; not conversing with the same freedom 
 as formerly, or canvassing his friend's sentiments. 
 This gave great uneasiness to Mr. Addison. One 
 day they happened to fall upon a subject on which 
 Mr. Stanyan had always been strenuous to oppose 
 his opinion ; but, even upon this occasion, he gave 
 way to what his friend advanced, without interpo- 
 sing his own view of the matter. This hurt Mr. 
 Addison so much, that he said to Mr. Stanyan, 
 " either contradict me or pay me the money." 
 
 906. — A Philosopher Outwitted. — A learned doc- 
 tor being very busy in his study, a little girl came 
 to ask him for some fire. " But," says the doctor, 
 6i you have nothing to take it in." As he was going 
 to fetch something for that purpose, the little girl 
 stooped down at the fire-place, and taking some 
 cold ashes in one hand, she put live embers on them 
 with the other. The astonished doctor threw down 
 his books, saying, " With all my learning, I should 
 never have found out that expedient." 
 
 907.— The Oxonians and the Transformation. — 
 Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day 
 from the University of Oxford, espied a poor fellow, 
 near Abingdon, asleep in a ditch, with an ass by 
 him laden with earthenware, he holding the bridle 
 in his hand. Says one of the scholars to the rest, 
 " If you will assist me, I'll help vou to a little mo- 
 ney, for you know we are bare at present." Of 
 course they were not long consenting. u Why^ 
 
460 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 then," said he, " we'll go and sell this old fellow's 
 ass at Abingdon ; for you know the fair is to- 
 morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough, 
 therefore do you take the panniers off, and put them 
 upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and 
 then lead the ass to market, and let me alone with 
 the old man." This being done accordingly, in a 
 little time after the poor man waking, was strangely 
 surprised to see his ass thus metamorphosed. " Oh ! 
 for God's sake," said the scholar, "take this bridle 
 out of my mouth, and this load from my back." 
 " Zoons, how came you here V 9 replied the old 
 man. " Why," said he, " my father, who is a ne- 
 cromancer, upon an idle thing I did to disoblige 
 him, transformed me into an ass ; but now his heart 
 has relented, and I am come to my own shape 
 again, I beg you will let me go home and thank 
 him." "By all means," said the crockery mer- 
 chant, " I do not desire to have anything to do with 
 conjuration," and so set the scholar at liberty, 
 who went directly to his comrades, who were mak- 
 ing merry with the money they had sold the ass 
 for : but the old fellow was forced to go the next 
 day to seek for a new one in the fair, and after hav- 
 uig looked on several, his own was shown him as a 
 very good one. " Oh !" said he, " what, have he 
 and his father quarrelled again already % No, no, 
 I'll have nothing to say to him." 
 
 908. — The Devil Calumniated. — A few years ago 
 were seated., in a stage coach, a clergyman, a law- 
 yer, and a respectable looking elderly person. The 
 lawyer, wishing to quiz the clergyman, began to 
 descant pretty fully on the admission of such ill- 
 qualified persons into the church. " As a proof/' 
 says he, "what pretty parsons we have, I once 
 heard one read, instead of 'And Aaron made an 
 
the world's jest-book. 461 
 
 atonement for the sins of the people,' — ( And Aaron 
 made an ointment for the shins of the people.' " 
 " Tncredible i" exclaimed the clergyman. " Oh '" 
 replied the lawyer, a I dare say this gentleman will 
 be able to inform ns of something similar." "That 
 I can," said the old gentleman, while the face of the 
 lawyer brightened in triumph, " for I once was pre- 
 sent in a country church where the clergyman, in- 
 stead of ' The devil was a liar from the beginning,' 
 actually read, ' The devil was a lawyer from the 
 beginning.' " 
 
 909. — Striking a Balance. — A chimney-sweeper's 
 boy went into a baker's shop for a two-penny loaf, 
 and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked 
 to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. 
 " Never mind that," said the man of dough, u you 
 will have the less to carry" " True," replied the 
 lad, and throwing three half-pence on the counter, 
 left the shop. The baker called after him that he 
 had not left money enough. " Never mind that," 
 said young sooty, u you will have the less to count." 
 
 910. — Tlte Biter Bit. — Mr. Curran one day in- 
 quiring his master's age from a horse-jockey's ser- 
 vant, he found it almost impossible to extract an 
 answer. a Come, come, friend, has he not lost his 
 teeth ?" " Do you think," returned the fellow, 
 " that I know his age, as he does his horse's, by the 
 mark of his mouth ?" The laugh was against Cur- 
 N ran, but he instantly recovered. " You were very 
 right not to try, friend ; for you know your mas- 
 ter's a very great bite /" 
 
 American Bull. 
 
 "Jim, do you snore when you are asleep ?" "No 
 never ; for I lay awake one night on purpose to 
 see." 
 
462 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 To a Lady who loved Dancing. 
 
 May i presume, in humble lays, 
 
 My dancing fair, thy steps to praise ? 
 
 While this grand maxim I advance, 
 
 That all the world is but a dance. 
 
 That humankind, both man and woman, 
 
 Do dance, is evident and common : 
 
 David himself, that Godlike king, 
 
 We know could dance as well as sing : 
 
 Folks who at court would keep their ground, 
 
 Must dance the year attendance round : 
 
 Whole nations dance, — gay, frisking France 
 
 Has led our nation many a dance ; 
 
 And some believe both France and Spain 
 
 Resolve to take us out again. 
 
 All nature is one ball, we find : 
 
 The water dances to the wind ; 
 
 The sea itself, at night and noon, 
 
 Rises and capers to the moon : 
 
 The moon around the earth doth tread 
 
 A Cheshire round in buxom red : 
 
 The earth and planets round the sun 
 
 Dance ; nor will their dance be done 
 
 Till nature in one mass is blended : 
 
 Then we may say — the ball is ended/ 
 
 Epilogue, Spoken by Mr. Liston, (on his Benefit 
 Night 9 ) in the character of Lord Grizzle, sitting on 
 an Ass. — Written by George Colmanp Esq. 
 
 Behold a pair of us ! — before the curtain 
 A prettier couple can't be found, that's certain. 
 Sweet Billy Shakspeare, lord of nature's glass, 
 Hat said — " Then came each actor on his ass ;" 
 And since great Billy sanctions little Neddy, 
 I enter on my Donkey, squat and steady ! 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 46<5 
 
 But softly ; on these boards I'm nothing new : 
 Here's a raw actor, making his debut, 
 So let me introduce him, pray, to you. 
 
 Ladies and gentlemen, your kindness show me, 
 By patronizing the poor thing below me. 
 He's a Young Roscius — rising four — his line 
 (Though I'm not jealous) much the same as mine. 
 He'll top me in one character I play — 
 The part in X Y Z, called Neddy Bray. 
 He has refused a Scotch engagement proffered — 
 No less than twenty thistles, weekly, offered. 
 I throw him on your candour : — all his brothers, 
 Aunts, uncles, with their fathers and their mother?, 
 Are quite the rage : the Ladies, (bless their faces!) 
 Bump themselves on them at the watering-places. 
 
 In short, without more ha'ing and more hum- 
 ming, 
 (Since there's a General Election coming.) 
 If for this Candidate your voice you give, 
 He'll be your faithful Representative ; 
 And prove as useful in this best ol nations, 
 _ As many of his near and dear relations. 
 
 As for myself, I've not a word to say, 
 I came, Lord Grizzle, on my grizzly Gray, 
 To bring this acquisition to our corps, 
 Then, like a ghost, glide off, and speak no more. 
 " I snuff the morning air :" — "Farewell ; I iiee :" 
 Cherish my Neddy ; and "Remember me !'' 
 
 Lines on John Tlssey, a Punster. 
 
 Merry was he for whom we now are sad ; 
 Kis jokes were many, and but few were bad : 
 The gay, the joeund, sprightly, active soul, 
 No more shall pun, alas ! no more shall bowl. 
 Now, at this tomb, methinks I hear him say — ■ 
 t( I never liked to be in a grave way !" 
 
464 wit and wisdom ; on, 
 
 Then, by-and-by, he cries — " for all your scoffing, 
 
 I now am only in a fit of coffin /" 
 
 Thy passing-bell with heavy hearts we hear, 
 
 For thee each passing belle shall drop a tear. 
 
 That sable hearse which drew thy corpse along, 
 
 Shall be rehears'd in dismal poet's song. 
 
 Oh ! how unlike ; yet this is he, we're sure, 
 
 Who once in Gratton's coach sat so demure. 
 
 Many a ball he gracefully began ; 
 
 Well may we bawl to lose so great a man. 
 
 Thy friendly club their mighty loss deplore, 
 
 Their friendly secretary now no more : 
 
 Thou ne'er shall secret tarry, though in death. 
 
 While puns are puns, and punning men have breath. 
 
 Choosing a Wife by a Pipe of Tobacco. 
 
 Tube, I love thee as my life, 
 By thee I mean to choose a wife. 
 Tube, thy colour let me find 
 In her shin, and in her mind. 
 Let her have a shape as fine ; 
 Let her breath be sweet as thine : 
 Let her, when her lips I kiss, 
 Burn like thee, to give me bliss ; 
 Let her, in some smoke or other, 
 All my failings kind.y smother. 
 Often when my thoughts are low, 
 Send them where they ought to go. 
 When to study I incline, 
 Let her aid be such as thine : 
 Such as thine her charming power, 
 In the vacant social hour. 
 Let her live to give delight, 
 Ever warm and ever bright ; 
 Let her deeds, whene'er she dies, 
 Mount fvs incense to the skies. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 465 
 
 Mrs. Johnson, 
 
 Oh, I have got a charming bride, 
 Through life we both so sweetly glide, 
 She's really worth the world beside — 
 
 Her name is Mrs. Johnson. 
 We both agree in every frame, 
 So one at t'other we ne'er blame, 
 I'm humpy, bandy, she's the same 
 )h, lovely Mrs. Johnson ! 
 
 So I have, &a 
 
 I to the gin-shop go each day, 
 A dozen drops I stow away, 
 I after that at skittles play, 
 
 And so does Mrs. Johnson ! 
 2e 
 
466 WIT AND WISDOM ; OB, 
 
 I beat the chaps with great delight, 
 And put the gatter out of sight, 
 Then stagger home dead drunk at night, 
 And so does Mrs. Johnson ! 
 
 So I have, &e» 
 
 To " free and easies " I repair : 
 My name is famous everywhere : 
 I very often take the chair, 
 
 And so does Mrs. Johnson ! 
 Do you think I pay my penny ? No ! 
 I chaunts the " Bay of Biscay, O '." 
 And, like a lord, my backey blow, 
 
 And so does Mrs. Johnson ! 
 
 > I have, &c. 
 
 At dancing I am quite'Vdon : 
 To twopenny hops I often run ; 
 And I can shuffle, too, like fun, 
 
 And so can Mrs. Johnson ! 
 At fighting I can take my share, 
 I am a match for any here : 
 A fighting man I am, they swear, 
 
 And so is Mrs. Johnson ! 
 
 So I have, &c. 
 
 Among the girls I sometimes roam, 
 'Bout which she does not stamp andjoam : 
 I often take a lover home, 
 
 And so does Mrs. Johnson ! 
 In getting children I'm not shy, 
 For modesty is all my eye : 
 I've got four young'uns on the sly, 
 
 And so has Mrs. Johnson ? 
 
 So I have, &g» 
 
the world's jest-book. 467 
 
 'Bout dress I do not care a jot, 
 Though once of clothes I had a lot, 
 I've pawned all but the suit I've got, 
 
 And so has Mrs. Johnson ! 
 Of trouble I have felt the shocks ; 
 And, 'cause I gave a cove some knocks, 
 I twice have been put into stocks, 
 
 And so has Mrs. Johnson ! 
 
 So I have, &c. 
 
 So all who are to wedlock prone, 
 If you its joys would have alone, 
 Select a temper like your own, 
 
 As I did Mrs. Johnson ! 
 For if your ways bring misery, 
 So long as you can both agree, 
 As blest as turtle-doves you'll be, — 
 
 Like me and Mrs. Johnson. 
 
 So I have, &c. 
 
 The Female Auctioneer, 
 
 " Who'll buy a heart 1" sweet Harriet cries, 
 
 Harriet, the blooming and the fair ; 
 Whose lovely form and dove-like eyes 
 . Can banish grief and soothe despair, 
 
 K Come, bid ! my heart is up for sale : 
 Will no one bid ? pray, sirs, consider : 
 
 'Tis sound and kind, and fond and hale, 
 And a great bargain to the bidder !" 
 
 "I'll bid I" cries Gripus : «I will pay 
 A thousand sovereigns promptly told :" 
 
 u That is no bid, sir, let me say, — 
 A faithful heart's nQt fought with gold*" 
 
468 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 C( I bid with marriage, faith and plight, 
 
 A heart," says Frank, " with love overflowing ;" 
 
 (e Ah ! that's a bid that's something like ; 
 And now my heart is going — going /" 
 
 The Contrite Wife, 
 
 When Phillis confess'd her, the father was rash i 
 
 And so, without further reflection, 
 Her delicate skin he condemn'd to the lash, 
 
 While himself would bestow the correction. 
 
 Her husband, who heard this, opposed it, by urging 
 
 That he, in regard to her weakness, 
 And to save her soft back, would himself [bear the 
 scourging 
 
 With humble submission and meekness. 
 
 She piously cried, when the priest gave accord, 
 
 To show what devotion was in her, 
 u He's able and lusty, pray cheat not the Lord, 
 
 For, alas ! I'm a very great sinner." 
 
 Coroner's Inquest Pleasantries. 
 
 When Stirling held an inquest lately, 
 And on Jane dead was verdict giving, 
 
 It certainly amazed him greatly 
 
 To see Jane stand before him living. 
 
 'Twas then in merry mood he said, 
 
 (Folks joke at deaths by which they thrive,) 
 
 *' I'm certain somebody is dead, 
 But pray, my dear, <m you <$we?" 
 
the world's jest-book. 469 
 
 The querist winks, the jurors laugh, 
 
 The wench cries " Yes :" but bent to roast, 
 
 His mirth as yet drawn forth but half, 
 He next asks, " Pray, are you a ghost V 9 
 
 Of laughter, then, another fit 
 
 Came long and loud, while spread the rumour 9 
 These speeches, if not genuine wit, 
 
 Were absolutely Stirling humour, 
 
 Nick Razorblade, 
 
 Nick Razorblade a barber was, 
 
 A strapping lad was he ; 
 And he could shave with such a grace, 
 
 It was a joy to see ! 
 
 And though employed within his house, 
 
 He kept like rat in hole : 
 A"!I those that passed the barber's door, 
 
 Could always see his pole. 
 
 HSs dress was rather plain than rich, 
 
 Nor fitted over well ; 
 Yet, though no macaroni, Nick 
 
 Would often cut a swell ! 
 
 And Nick was brave, and he could fight, 
 
 As many times he proved : 
 A lamb became a lion fierce 
 
 Whenever he was moved. 
 
 Like many of his betters, who 
 
 To field with pistols rush, 
 When Nicky lathered any one. 
 
 He Was obliged to brush / 
 
470 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Some say Nick was'a brainless Mode ; 
 
 While those who've seen him waving 
 His bright sharp razor o'er soaped chins, 
 
 Declare he was a-shaving. 
 
 His next-door neighbour, Nelly Jones, 
 
 A maid of thirty-eight, 
 Twas said, regarded Nick with smiles ; 
 
 But folks will always prate. 
 
 'Tis known, in summer time, that she, 
 (A maid and only daughter,) 
 
 To show her love for Razorblade, 
 Kept Nicky in hot water. 
 
 For politics, Nick always said 
 
 He never cared a fig : 
 Quoth he, " If I a tory were, 
 
 I'd likewise wear a wig!" 
 
 No poacher he, yet hairs he wired, 
 With skill that made maids prouder ; 
 
 And though he never used a gun, 
 He knew the use of powder. 
 
 He never took offence at words, 
 
 However broad or blunt ; 
 But when maids brought a front to dress, 
 
 Of course he took a-front. 
 
 Beneath his razor folks have slept, 
 
 So easy were they mown ; 
 Yet, (oh ! most passing strange it was i) 
 
 His razor was his own I 
 
the world's jest-book. 471 
 
 Nick, doubtless, had a tender heart, 
 
 But not for Nelly Jones : 
 He made Miss Popps " bone of his bone," 
 
 But never made old bones ! 
 
 He died, and left an only son, 
 
 A barber, too, by trade ; 
 And when they oped his will, they found 
 
 A cruel will he'd made. 
 
 And doubtless he was raving mad, , 
 
 (To slander I'm unwilling ;) 
 For though a barber, Nicky cut 
 
 His heir off with a shilling / 
 
 Epitaph on a Baker, 
 
 Richard Fuller lies buried here : 
 Do not withhold the chrystal tear ; 
 For when he lived, he daily fed 
 Woman, and man, and child with bread. 
 But now, alas ! he's turn'd to dust, 
 As thou, and I, and all soon must ; 
 And lies beneath this turf so green, 
 Where worms do dailv feed on him. 
 
 Impromptu, on Miss Tree's Performance of the 
 "Page," in « Twelfth Night." 
 
 All own thee, Tree, whilst pleased they look, 
 The sweetest page of Shakspeare's book. 
 
 To-Morrow. 
 
 To-morrow, didst thou say? — 
 
 Methought I heard Horatit say, to-morrow. 
 
472 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Go to, I will not hear of it — to-morrow ! 
 A sharper 'tis, who stakes his penury 
 Against thy plenty — who takes thy ready cash, 
 And pays thee nought but wishes, hopes and pro- 
 mises, 
 The currency of idiots. Injurious bankrupt 
 That gulls the easy creditor ! To-morrow ! 
 It is a period nowhere to be found 
 In all the hoary registers of Time, 
 Unless, perchance, in the fool's calendar ; 
 Wisdom disclaims the word, nor holds society 
 With those who own it. No ! my Horatio, 
 'Tis Fancy's child, and Folly is its father, 
 Wrought of such stuff as dreams are, and baseless 
 As the fantastic visions of the evening. 
 But soft my friend, arrest the present moments, 
 For be assured they all are arrant tell-tales ; 
 And though their flight be silent, and their path 
 Trackless as the wing'd coursers of the air, 
 They post to heaven, and there record thy folly : 
 Because, though stationed on the important watch, 
 Thou, like a sleepless, faithless sentinel, 
 Didst let them pass unnoticed, unimproved. 
 And know, for that thou slumber'dst on guard, 
 Thou shalt be made to answer at the bar 
 For every fugitive : and when thou thus 
 Shalt stand impleaded at the high tribunal 
 Of hoodwink'd justice, who shall tell thy audit ? 
 Then stay the present instant, dear Horatio, 
 Imprint the marks of wisdom on its wings ; 
 'Tis of more worth than kingdoms : far more pre- 
 cious 
 Than all the treasures of life's fountain ! 
 Oh ! let it not elude thy grasp, but, like 
 The good old patriarch upon record, 
 Hold the fleet angel fast until he bless thee 
 
the world's jest-book. 473 
 
 Tim Turpin. 
 
 Tim Turpin he was gravel blind, 
 
 And ne'er had seen the skies ; 
 For Nature, when his head was made, 
 
 Forgot to dot his eyes* 
 
 So, like a Christmas pedagogue. 
 
 Poor Tim was forced to do ; 
 Look out for pupils, for he had 
 
 A vacancy for two. 
 
 There's some have specs to help their sight. 
 
 Of objects dim and small : 
 But Tim had species within his eyes, 
 
 Yet could not see at all. 
 
 Now Tim he wooed a servant maid, 
 
 And took her to his arms ; 
 For he, like Pyramus, had cast 
 
 A wall-eye on her charms. 
 
 By day she led him up and down, 
 
 Where'er he wish'd to jog : 
 A happy wife, although she led 
 
 The life of any dog. 
 
 But just when Tim had lived a montl 
 
 In honey with his wife, 
 A surgeon oped his Milton- eyes. 
 
 Like oysters, with a knife. 
 
 But when his eyes were opened thus, 
 
 He wished them dark again ; 
 For when he looked upon his wife, 
 
 He saw her vcryplo/in* 
 
474 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Her face was bad, her figure worse. 
 
 He couldn't bear to eat ; 
 For she was anything but like 
 
 A grace before his meat. 
 
 Now Tim he was a feeling man ; 
 
 For when his sight was thick, 
 He used to feel for every man, 
 
 But that was with a stick. 
 
 So, with a cudgel in his hand, — 
 It was not light or slim, — 
 
 He knocked at his wife's head until 
 " It opened unto him." 
 
 And when the corpse was stiff and cold, 
 He took his slaughtered spouse, 
 
 And laid her in a heap with all 
 The ashes of her house. 
 
 But like a wicked murderer, 
 He lived in constant fear 
 
 From day to day, and so he cut 
 His throat from ear to ear. 
 
 The neighbours fetched a doctor in j 
 Said he " This wound, I dread, 
 
 Can hardly be sewed %p; his life 
 Is hanging on a thread." 
 
 But when another week was gone, 
 He gave him stronger hope — 
 
 Instead of hanging on a thread, 
 Of hanging on a rope. 
 
the world's jest-book. 475 
 
 Ah ! when he hid his murd'rous work 
 
 In ashes round about, 
 How little he supposed the truth 
 
 Would soon be sifted out. 
 
 But when the parish dustman came 
 
 His r ubbish to withdraw, 
 He found more dust within the heap 
 
 Than he contracted for. 
 
 A dozen men, to try the fact, 
 
 Were sworn that very day ; 
 And though they were all jurors, yet 
 
 No conjurers were they. 
 
 Said Tim unto the jurymen, 
 
 "^You need not waste your breath, 
 
 For I confess myself at once 
 The author of her death. 
 
 And, oh ! when I reflect upon 
 The blood that I have spilt, 
 
 Just like a button is my soul, 
 Inscribed with double guilt." 
 
 Then turning round his head again, 
 
 He saw before his eyes 
 A great judge and a little judge — 
 
 The judges of a-size. 
 
 The great judge took his judgment- cap, 
 
 And put it on his head, 
 And sentenced Tim, by law, to hang 
 
 Till he was three times dead. 
 
476 WIT AND wisdom ; OR. 
 
 So he was tried, and he was hung 
 (Fit punishment for such) 
 
 On Horsham drop, and none can say 
 It was a drop too much. 
 
 Tlie Poetfs Address to Butcher Gojfe. 
 
 I find, old friend, I am mistaken, — 
 
 Pray, where's the flitch of well-dried bacon 
 
 Thou saidst thou wouldst transmit to me, 
 
 By thy own waggon, carriage free ? 
 
 I tell thee thou dost seem afraid, 
 
 As if thou never shouldst be paid. 
 
 Of shillings twelve, the sum, 'tis true, 
 
 Already is thy lawful due ; 
 
 And thou art sensible twelve more 
 
 Exactly makes a pound and four : 
 
 That which I promise thee to pay 
 
 Perhaps the latter end of May ; 
 
 Or if it can't be quite so soon. 
 
 Thou shalt be sure to ha't in June, 
 
 Then prithee send it in a trice, 
 
 To thy obedient slave, Bob Price. 
 
 Receiv'd the money of the poet, 
 
 Witness my hand, that all may know it. 
 
 A Nocturnal Sketch. 
 
 Even is come ; and from the dark park, hark, 
 The signal of the setting sun — one gun ! 
 And six is sounding from the chime — prime time 
 To go and see the Drury-lane Bane slain, 
 Or hear Othello's jealous doubt spout out, 
 Or Macbeth raving at that shade-made blade, 
 Denying to his frantic clutch much touch ; — 
 Or else to see Ducrow with wide stride ride 
 
the world's jest-book. 477 
 
 Four horses as no other man can span ; 
 Or, in the small Olympic pit, sit split 
 Laughing at Liston, while you quiz his phiz. 
 Anon Night comes, and with her wings brings 
 
 things 
 Such as, with his poetic tongue, Young sung : 
 The gas up-blazes with its bright white light, 
 And paralytic watchmen prowl, howl, growl, 
 About the streets, and take up Pall Mall Sal, 
 Who, hasting to her nightly jobs, robs fobs. 
 Now thieves to enter for your cash, smash, crash, 
 Past drowsy Charley, in a deep sleep, creep, 
 But frightened by Police B. 3, flee, 
 And while they're going, whisper low, " No go !" 
 Now puss, while folks are in their beds, treads 
 
 leads, 
 And sleepers waking, grumble, — " drat that cat 1" 
 Who in the gutter caterwauls, squalls, mauls 
 Some feline foe, and screams in shrill ill will. 
 Now bulls of Bashan, of a prize size, rise 
 In childish dreams, and with a roar gore poor 
 Georgy, or Charles, or Billy, willy nilly ; 
 But nursemaid in a nightmare rest, chest-press' d, 
 Dreameth of one of her old flames, James Games, 
 And that she hears — what faith is man's — Ann's 
 
 banns 
 And his, from Reverend Mr. Bice, twice, thrice ; 
 White ribbons flourish, and a stout shout out, 
 That upwards goes, shows Rose knows those bows 
 
 woes I 
 
 The Happy Pair. 
 
 A happy pair, in smart array, 
 
 By holy church united, 
 From London town, in open shay 9 
 
 Set off, by love incited. 
 
478 WIT and wisdom; or, 
 
 The day was dull as dull could be, 
 
 So (dreaming of no pun), 
 Quoth John, "I hope, my dear, that we 
 
 May have a little sun." 
 
 To which his bride, with simple heart, 
 Replied ('twas nature taught her) 
 
 * Well, I confess, for my own part, 
 I'd rather have a daughter l" 
 
 Pat and the Cook Maid. 
 
 I little thought that I should be 
 
 One day so fond a lover, 
 But Nanny spread her nets for me, 
 
 I'm taken like a plover. 
 
 For flesh and blood, and good blue veins, 
 There's none like Nanny Brawny ; 
 
 She leads me with a rope of grains, 
 As int'rest leads young Sawney. 
 
 She treats me worse than fish or fowl ; 
 
 She roasts, and then she hates me : 
 I'm grown as stupid as an owl : 
 
 It's love, I'm told, that wastes me. 
 
 My heart is like an Irish stew, 
 My brain like batter-pudding ; 
 
 My veins are neither black nor blue, 
 And not a drop of blood in. 
 
 No wonder : if you saw my dear, 
 I'm sure you wouldn't wonder : 
 
 Her mouth, it runs from ear to ear, 
 With voice as 90ft as thunder. 
 
the world's jest-book. 479 
 
 I melt like butter at lier look, 
 
 And if it's kind, I'm crazy : 
 She mentioned once the parson's book ; 
 
 I told her I was lazy. 
 
 My heart with transport 'gins to jump, 
 
 When she begins to gammon : 
 A rib it bent at every thump ; 
 
 It leap'd up like a salmon. 
 
 And yet so tender, by-the-bye, 
 
 That when she cuts an onion, 
 You'll see the tear start in her eye, 
 
 Like granny reading Bunyan. 
 
 But what avails it now to whine, 
 
 And crying eyes to jelly % 
 The clock has struck : it's time to dine : 
 
 Love will not fill the belly. 
 
 Bath Festivities. 
 
 Two musical parties to Bladud belong, 
 To delight the old rooms and the upper 
 
 One gives to the ladies a supper, no song ; 
 The other, a song and no supper. 
 
 A lonzo the Brave, and the Fair Imogene. 
 
 A warrior so bold, and a virgin so bright, 
 
 Conversed as they sat on a green ; 
 They gazed on each other with tender delight, 
 Alonzo the Brave was the name of the knight, 
 The maid's was the Fair Imogene. 
 
480 WIT AND WISDOM- O 
 
 " And ah V said the youth, u since to-morrow I go 
 
 To fight in a far distant land, 
 Your tears for my absence soon ceasing to flow 
 Some other will court you, and you will bestow 
 
 On a wealthier suitor your hand." 
 
 u Oh, hush these suspicions !" fair Imogene said, 
 
 " So hurtful to love and to me ; 
 For if you be living, or if you be dead, 
 I swear by the virgin that none in your stead - 
 
 Shall husband of Imogene be. 
 
 And if e'er for another my heart should decide, 
 
 Forgetting Alonzo the brave, 
 God grant that, to punish my falsehood and pride, 
 Thy ghost at my marriage may sit by my side, 
 May tax me with perjury, claim me as bride, 
 
 And bear me away to the grave !" 
 
 To Palestine hasten'd the warrior so bold, 
 
 His love she lamented him sore ; 
 But scarce had a twelvemonth elapsed, when behold 
 A baron, all cover' d with jewels and gold, 
 
 Arrived at fair Imogene's door. 
 
 His treasure, his presents, his spacious domain, 
 
 Soon made her untrue to her vows ; 
 
 He dazzled her eyes, he bewilder'd her brain, 
 
 He caught her affections, so light and so vain, 
 
 And carried her home as his spouse. 
 
 And now had the marriage been blest by the priest, 
 
 The revelry now was begun, 
 The tables they groan'd with the weight of the feast, 
 Nor yet had the laughter and merriment ceased, 
 
 When the bell of the castle toll'd— One / 
 
the world's jest-book. 481 
 
 •Twas then, with amazement, fair Imogene found 
 
 A stranger was placed by her side : 
 His air was terrific, he uttered no sound, 
 He spoke not, he moved not, he look'd not around, 
 But earnestly gazed on the bride. 
 
 His visor was closed, and gigantic his height ; 
 
 His armour was sable to view : 
 All laughter and pleasure were hush'd at his sight, 
 The dogs, as they eyed him, drew back with affright, 
 
 And the lights in the chamber burnt blue. 
 
 His presence all bosoms appear'd to dismay : 
 The guests sat in silence and fear : 
 
 At length spoke the bride, while she trembled, 
 " I pray, 
 
 Sir Knight, that your helmet aside you would lay, 
 And deign to partake of our cheer." 
 
 The lady is silent, — the stranger complies, 
 And his visor he slowly unclosed : 
 
 O gods ! what a sight met fair Imogene 's eyes ! 
 
 What words can express her dismay and surprise, 
 When a skeleton's head was unclosed I 
 
 All present then utter'd a terrified shout, 
 
 And turned with disgust from the scene : 
 
 The worms they crept in, and the worms they 
 crept out, 
 
 And sported his eyes and his temples about, 
 While the spectre address'd Imogene : — 
 
 "Behold me, thou false one ! behold" me !" he eried^ 
 
 " Behold thy Alonzo the brave ! 
 
 God grants that, to punish thy falsehood and pride* 
 
 My ghost at thy marriage should sit by thy side, 
 
 Should tax thee with perjury, claim thee asJiride, 
 
 A&d bear th§§ away to the grave. i ? * 
 
 '2 u 
 
482 WIT AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 This saying, his arms round the lady he wound, 
 While fair Tmogene shrieked with dismay ; 
 
 Then sunk with his prey through the wide-yawning 
 ground, 
 
 Nor ever again was fair Imogene found, 
 Or the spectre that bore her away. 
 
 Not long lived the baron, and none since that time 
 
 To inhabit the castle presume ; 
 For chroniclers tell, that by order sublime, 
 There Imogene suffers the pain of her crime, 
 
 And mourns her deplorable doom. 
 
 At midnight, four times in each year, does her 
 sprite, 
 
 When mortals in slumber are bound, 
 Arrayed in her bridal apparel of white, 
 Appear in the hall with her skeleton knight, 
 
 And shrieks as he whirls her around. 
 
 While they drink out of skulls newly torn from the 
 grave, 
 
 Dancing round them pale spectres are seen I 
 Their liquor is blood, and this horrible stave 
 They howl, " To the health of Alonzo the brave, 
 
 4nd his consort, the false Imogene." 
 
 Ingredients ivhich compose Modern Love. 
 
 Twenty glances, twenty tears, 
 Twenty hopes and twenty fears, 
 Twenty times assail your door, 
 And if denied, come twenty more / 
 Twenty letters perfumed sweet, 
 Twenty nods in every street, 
 Twenty oaths and twenty lies, 
 Twenty smiles and twenty sighs i 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST BOOK. 483 
 
 Twenty times in jealous rage 
 Twenty beauties to engage ; 
 Twenty tales to whisper low, 
 Twenty billet doux to show ; 
 Twenty times a day to pass 
 Before a flatt'ring looking-glass ; 
 Twenty times to stop your coach, 
 With twenty words of fond reproach, 
 Twenty days of keen vexations, 
 Twenty — Opera assignations. 
 Twenty nights behind the scenes, 
 To dangle after mimic queens ; 
 Twenty times down Rotten Row, 
 With twenty painted hags to go ; 
 Twenty such lovers may be found 
 Sighing for — twenty thousand pounds ; 
 But take my word, ye girls of sense, 4 
 You'll find them not worth twenty pence ! 
 
 The Painter's Cross. 
 
 A tradesman upon this intent 
 A porter to a painter sent ; 
 
 To wit his worship did enjoin 
 
 He'd come forthwith to paint a sign. 
 
 The painter most obsequious went ; 
 
 The tradesman told him his intent 
 
 u I'd have you paint," quoth he, " a sign ; 
 
 I'll spare no cost, so make it fine ; 
 
 What should it be I'm at a loss ! 
 
 But what do you say, suppose a cross V 9 
 
 " Cross !" quoth the painter, * that will show 
 
 Main fine — a great one, sir, I trow ?" 
 
 " The greatest you can paint," replied 
 
 His worship : " for I take great pride 
 
484- WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 T' excel my neighbours all I can ; 
 
 So make it fine, I say again ." 
 
 " Sir," said the painter, " I'll obey 
 Your orders," and so went away. 
 
 But here, I'll tell you, by-the-by, 
 The painter whom we here employ 
 Had got (as a spread rumour teaches) 
 A wife at home that wore the breeches. 
 A scolding quean, that ne'er possess'd, 
 Nor suffer'd him a minute's rest. 
 
 Now home Pill Garlick came, her tongue, 
 As usual, straight began, ding dong, 
 But patiently he sits him down, 
 Whilst she, who swears to break his crown, 
 
 Raves on then tired, sat mute, when he 
 
 IJroke silence thus submissively : — 
 " My dear, a cit did me enjoin, 
 From your dear face to paint a sign." 
 " My face !" quoth she, and furious then 
 Moves her click clack apace again. 
 But after many an argument, 
 My surly lady gives consent. 
 
 'Tis done ; he to the tradesman goes — ■ 
 18 I've done, sir, what you did propose." 
 " Lord !" cries the cit, a the painter's mad J 
 I said the cross, and not a head." 
 
 "A cross, I own," says he "you said, 
 The greatest too that could be made ! 
 
 'Tis here ; for, sir, upon my life, 
 
 I know no greater than my wife." 
 
 Economy. — TJie Turbot. — A Tale* 
 Lord Endless, walking to the Hall, 
 Saw a fine turbot on a stall ; 
 
the world's jest-book. 485 
 
 " How much d'ye ask, friend, for the fish V 9 
 
 " Two guineas, sir." a Two guineas ! pish !" 
 
 He paused, he thought, " two guineas ! zounds I" 
 
 * Few fish to-day, sir." " Come, take pounds ; 
 
 Send it up quick to Bedford-square ; 
 
 Here's a pound-note — now mind, when there, 
 
 Ask for one pound, and say that's all — 
 
 My lady's economical." 
 
 The fish was sent, my lady thought it 
 
 Superfluous, but — my lord had bought it. 
 
 She paid one pound, and cried, " Od rat it !'* 
 
 Yet could not think the fish dear at it. 
 
 A knock announces Lady Tatter, 
 
 Come for an hour to sit and chatter ; 
 
 At length — " My darling Lady E., 
 
 I'm so distressed : you know Lord T. 
 
 Can't dine without fish, and 'tis funny, 
 
 There's none to-day for love or money." 
 
 " Bless us !" cried Lady E., " two hours 
 
 Ago a turbot came — 'tis yours. 
 
 I paid but thirty shillings for it, 
 
 You'd say 'twas dirt-cheap if you saw it." 
 
 The bargain struck — cash paid — fish gone— 
 
 My lord and dinner came anon : 
 
 He stared to see my lady smile, — 
 
 *Twas what he had not seen some while : 
 
 There was hash'd beef, and leeks a boatful, 
 
 But turbot none : my lord look'd doubtful. 
 
 "My dear, I think — is no fish come ?" 
 
 " There is, love : leave the room, John — mum ! 
 
 I sold the fish, you silly man : 
 
 I make a bargain when I can : 
 
 The fish which cost us shillings twenty, 
 
 I sold for thirty, to content ye ; 
 
 For one pound ten, to Lady Tatter. 
 
 Lord ! how you stare ! why, what's the matter S* 
 
486 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 My lord stared wide with both his eyes ; 
 
 Down knife and fork dropt with surprise : 
 
 u For one pound ten to Lady Tatter ! 
 
 If she was flat, ma'am, you were flatter. 
 
 Two pounds the turbot cost* 'Tis true, 
 
 One pound / paid, and one pound you." 
 
 t6 Two pounds ! good heavens ! Why, then, say 
 
 It cost but one pound V 9 " Nay, ma'am : nay, 
 
 I said not so, — said nought about it ! 
 
 So, madam,, you were free to doubt it." 
 
 " Two pounds ! good heavens ! who could doubt 
 
 That the fish cost what I laid out ? 
 
 'Twould have been madness (you may rate) 
 
 In such a case to hesitate." 
 
 " 'Tis never madness," he replies, 
 
 u To doubt — I doubt my very eyes ; 
 
 Had you but doubted the prime cost, 
 
 Ten shillings would not have been lost ; 
 
 Though you and all the world may rate, 
 
 You see His best to hesitate" 
 
 Jack Ketch and the Frenchman. 
 
 A Frenchman once, at some assizes, 
 'Twas Nottingham, the muse surmises, 
 Fell justly, by the course of law, 
 A victim for un grand faux pas. 
 When he approached the fatal tree, 
 (Un autre Place de Oreve pour lui.) 
 And when Jack Ketch prepared to tie 
 The noose that did exalt him high, 
 Monsieur exclaimed, " Ah! raiser icordcf* 
 " Measure the cord P 9 replied Jack Ketch : 
 " Measure the cord yourself, you wretch !" 
 Still " misericorde I '" was all his cry ; 
 *Ah, misericorde I that I should die ! 
 Ah* misericorde I good folks, good bye l" 
 
the world's jest-book. 487 
 
 u Measure the cord ! you sniv'ling cur !" 
 Rejoined the executioner ; 
 u "lis long enough — I know 'twill do 
 To hang a score such rogues as you ; 
 And since you've been a thieving elf^ 
 Measure the cord, I say, yourself." 
 
 Epitaph on a Country Sexton. 
 
 Here lies old Hare, worn out with care, 
 
 Who whilom tolled the bell : 
 Could dig a grave, or set a stave, 
 
 And say Amen full well. 
 
 For sacred song, he'd Sternhold's tongue, 
 
 And Hopkins' eke also ; 
 With cough and hem, he stood by them, 
 
 As far as lungs would go. 
 
 Many a feast for worms he drest, 
 
 Himself then wanting bread ; 
 But, lo ! he's gone, with skin and bone, 
 
 To starve 'em now he's dead. 
 
 Here, take his spade, and use his trade 5 
 
 Since he is out of breath ; 
 Cover the bones of him who once # 
 
 Wrought journey-work for Death. 
 
 Summer Friends, 
 
 Guloso, when I gave a treat, 
 Was sure my other friends to meet, 
 Acknowledge that I was the most 
 Amusing man and gen'rous host ; 
 But since, for many a weighty reason^ 
 I scarcely treat but once a season, 
 Guloso's friendship somehow sleeps. 
 Whilst he due distance ever keeps. 
 
483 wit and wisdom ; on, 
 
 Tully no more I think a hummer, 
 
 Who calls such friends mere birds of summer, 
 
 By which the orator intends 
 
 To note them as mere swallow friends. 
 
 Epigram. 
 
 What epithets, exclaims a clown, 
 
 To woman kind belong ! 
 Some are called women of the town, 
 
 Some ladies of the ton. 
 
 The difference it is hard to trace. 
 Though diff ' rence still there's some ; 
 
 The boldly one displays, 
 
 The other plays it mum. 
 
 A Whimsical Prologue. 
 
 The late amiable Mr. T. Warton, being at Win- 
 chester on a visit to his brother, was solicited by a 
 company of comedians, who performed over the 
 butcher's shambles, to write a suitable prologue for 
 the commencement of their theatrical campaign. 
 How well he succeeded in real allusion and genuine 
 humour we leave our readers to judge, assured 
 th^re will be but one opinion among them. 
 
 ^Vhoe'er our stage examines, must excuse 
 The wond'rous shifts of the dramatic muse ; 
 Then kindly listen while the prologue rambles 
 From wit to beef, from Shakspeare to the Sham- 
 bles! 
 Divided only by one flight of stairs, 
 The actor swaggers, and the butcher swears ! 
 Quick the transition when the curtain drops, 
 From meek Monimia's moans to mutton chops ! 
 While for Lothario's loss Lavinia cries, 
 Old women scold, and dealers d — n your eyes 1 
 
the world's jest>book. 489 
 
 Here Juliet listens to the gentle lark, 
 There in harsh chorus hungry bull- dogs bark, 
 Cleavers and scymetars give blow for blow, 
 And heroes bleed above, and sheep below ! 
 While magic thunders shake the pit and box, 
 Re-bellows to the roar the staggering ox. 
 Cow-horns and trumpets mix their martial tones, 
 Kidneys and kings, mouthing and marrow-bones ; 
 Suet and sighs, blank-verse and blood abound, 
 And form a tragic-comedy around. 
 With weeping lovers dying calves complain ; 
 Confusion rejgns — chaos is come again ! 
 Hither your steel-yards, butchers, bring, to weigh 
 The pound of flesh Antonio's blood mu§t pay ! 
 Hither your knives, ye Christians clad in blue, 
 Bring to be whetted by the worthless Jew. 
 
 Hard is our lot, who, seldom doom'd to eat, 
 Cast a sheep's eye on this forbidden meat — 
 Gaze on sirloins, which, ah ! we cannot carve, 
 And, in the midst ot beef and mutton — starve. 
 
 But would ye to our house in crowds repair, 
 Ye generous captains, and ye blooming fair, 
 The fate of Tantalus we should not fear, 
 Nor pine for a repast that is so near ; 
 Monarchs no more would supperless remain, 
 Nor pregnant queens for cutlets long in vain. 
 
 The Female Warrior. 
 
 At the siege of Namur by king William, an en* 
 sign, called Robert Cornelius, was observed to show 1 
 more than common bravery. This person, alter 
 having received several wouuds, being carried to ba 
 dressed by the surgeons, was discovered to be a* 
 woman. The novelty was so great, and so surprise 
 ing to many in the army, who had seen her bra-, 
 very on that and other occasions, mat it soon cama 
 
490 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 to the king's ear, who had the curiosity to see so 
 extraordinary a warrior. The account she gave for 
 herself was very particular ; she affirmed that she 
 was born of Dutch parents, who, to prevent the loss 
 of a small annuity, which they were to enjoy on the 
 birth of a male child, had caused her to be chris- 
 tened as a boy, and bred her up as such to an ad- 
 vanced age, before they thought fit to entrust even 
 herself with the secret. Among other diversions, 
 suitable to her supposed sex, she had learned to beat 
 a drum, and at last enlisted herself as a soldier. 
 This adventurous female, who began, it seems, with 
 taking a fancy to that instrument of noise, was soon 
 after made a serjeant, and after that an ensign. 
 She had been in many actions, undiscovered, as she 
 said, till this occasion. After the peace with Rys- 
 wick, she had a pension given her in England ; she 
 was at that time married to one of her former com- 
 rades, and lived with her husband in Chelsea Col 
 lege. 
 
 Wit made Easy ; or, a Hint to Word Catchers. 
 
 A. — Here comes B., the liveliest, yet most tire- 
 some of word-catchers. I wonder whether he'll 
 have wit enough to hear good news of his mistress. 
 " Well, B., my dear boy, I hope I see you well " 
 
 B. — "I hope you do, my dear A., otherwise you 
 have lost your eyesight." 
 
 A.—" Good. Well, how do you do ?" 
 
 B. — "How? Why, as other people do. You 
 would not have me eccentric, would you ?" 
 
 A "Nonsense, I mean, how do you find your- 
 self T 
 
 B. — "Find myself? Where's the necessity of 
 folding myself % I have not been lost." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 491 
 
 A. — " Incorrigible dog ! come now, to be se- 
 rious." 
 
 B. — (Comes closer to A. and holes very serious.) 
 
 A.— -« Well, what now V 9 
 
 B. — " I am come to be serious." 
 
 A. — " Come now ; nonsense, B., leave off this." 
 {Laying Ms hand upon his arm*) 
 
 B. — {Looking down at his arm.) a I can't leave 
 off this. It would look very absurd to go without a 
 sleeve." 
 
 A. — " Ah, ah ! You make me laugh in spite of 
 myself. How is Jackson 2" 
 
 B. — " The deuce ! how is Jackson ? Well, I never 
 should have thought that ! How can Howe be Jack- 
 son ? Surname and arms, I suppose, of some rich 
 uncle % I have not seen him gazetted." 
 
 A.— "Goodbye." 
 
 B. — (Detaining him,) — " Good bye ! What a 
 sudden enthusiasm in favour of some virtuous man 
 of the name of Bye I ' Good Bye !' To think of 
 Aston standing at the corner of the street, doting 
 aloud on the integrity of a Mr. Bye." 
 
 A. — "Ludicrous enough. I can't help laughing, I 
 confess. But laughing does not always imply mer- 
 riment, You do not delight us, Jack, with these 
 sort of jokes, but tickle us ; and tickling may give 
 pain." 
 
 B. — "Don't accept it, then. You need not take* 
 every thing that is given vou ." 
 
 A. — " You'll want a straight-forward answer some 
 day, and then." — 
 
 B. — ** You'll describe a circle about me, before 
 you give it. Well, that's your affair, not mine. 
 You'll astonish the natives, that's all," 
 
 A. — "It's great nonsense, you must allow^' 
 
492 Wit AND wisdom ; OR, 
 
 B. — f I can't see why it is greater nonsense than 
 any other pronoun." 
 
 A. — fin despair,) " Well, it's of no use, I see." 
 
 B. — " Excuse me ; it is of the greatest use. I 
 don't know a part of speech more useful. It per- 
 forms the greatest offices of nature, and contains, in 
 fact, the whole agency and mystery of the world. 
 It rains. It is fine weather. It freezes. It thaws. 
 It (which is very odd) is one o'clock. It has been 
 very frequently observed. It goes. Here it goes. 
 How goes it ? (which, by the way, is a translation 
 from the Latin, Eo, is, it; Eo, 1 go ; is, thou goest ; 
 it, he or it goes. In short — " 
 
 A. — " In short, if I wanted a dissertation on it, 
 now's the time for it. But I don't ; so good bye." 
 
 Repartee. 
 
 The name of Roger having been written on a 
 sack, by some chance the last letter was concealed, 
 when a person read it Roye {Rogue). <l How can 
 that be ?" retorted a bystander. " True," replied 
 the other, " it wants (V) you in it." 
 
 Bad Ways, 
 
 A physician travelling in Cambridgeshire, found 
 the roads so inaccessible about the town, that he 
 repaired to the rector of the parish, and exclaimed, 
 — "My good sir, you may preach for years, but 
 your parishioners will never mend their ways." 
 
 Lord Nelson's Night-cap, 
 
 Dr. Burney, who wrote the celebrated anagram 
 on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the Nile, 
 " Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson) was shortly 
 after on a visit t6 his lordship at his beautiful villa 
 at Mertpn.. From his usual absence of mind, he 
 
THE world's just-book. 493 
 
 neglected to put a night-cap into his portmanteau, 
 and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. 
 Previously to his retiring to rest, he sat down to 
 study, as was his common practice, having first 
 put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by 
 finding it in flames ; he immediately collected the 
 burnt remains, and returned them, with the follow- 
 ing lines : — 
 
 Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, 
 
 I would not retain it a minute ; 
 What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's fire, 
 
 Is sure to be instantly in it.^ 
 
 How to Pay Bills. 
 "1 think," says a farmer, "I should make a good 
 parliament man, for I use their language. I re- 
 ceived two bills the other day, with requests for 
 immediate payment. The one I ordered to be laid 
 on the table — the other ^o be read that day six 
 months." 
 
 Literary Concession. 
 
 A coxcomb was tuning, in a coffee-house, some 
 favourite air of an opera, to which he boasted to 
 have given the words. Just at that time the real 
 and well-known author entered the room. A friend 
 of his po'nted to the coxcomb. " See, sir, the pro- 
 fessed author of the favourite song."—" Well," re- 
 plied the other, "the gentleman might have made it, 
 for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it 
 myself." 
 
 Homer's Works. 
 
 A gentleman of the name of Homer, being in 
 company, was observed to make several strange 
 faces, and then suddenly rise from table ; one of 
 
494 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 the party, desirous to show his wit, turned to his 
 friend on the right, and remarked, " Homer's Odd- 
 I-see" to which the other replied, " Homer's IIU 
 I-add." 
 
 How to Ascertain a Man's Death. 
 
 An Irishman being informed of the death of Mr. 
 Patrick Cotter (commonly called Patrick O'Brian, 
 the Irish giant), replied, " I have heard his death 
 reported so often, and found it to be false, that I 
 am resolved not to credit it till I hear it from his 
 own lips." 
 
 National Contrast — Patricious Loquitur. 
 
 In a noisy mob, two handsome young women, 
 who were very much alarmed, threw themselves 
 into the arms of two gentlemen standing near for 
 safety ; 6ne of the gentlemen, an Irishman, imme- 
 diately gave her who had flown to him for protec- 
 tion, a hearty embrace, by way, as he said, of en- 
 couraging the poor creature. The other, an 
 Englishman, immediately put his hands in his pock- 
 ets to guard them. 
 
 Two officers observing a fine girl in a milliner's 
 shop, the one, an Irishman, proposed to go in and 
 buy a watch ribbon in order to get a nearer view 
 of her. " Hoot, mon," says his northern friend, 
 "nae occasion to waste siller, let us gang in and speer 
 if she can give us twa saxpences for a shilling." 
 
 It is notorious, that in one of Marlborough's 
 battles, the Irish brigade, on advancing to the 
 charge, threw away their knapsacks, and every 
 thing which tended to encumber them, all which 
 were carefully picked up by a Scotch regiment that 
 followed to support them. 
 
 It was a saying of the old Lord Tyrawley, at a 
 
THE WORLD S JEST-BOOK. 495 
 
 period when the contests between nations were de- 
 cided by much smaller numbers than by the im- 
 mence masses which have taken the field of late 
 years, that to constitute the beau ideal of an army, 
 a general should take ten thousand fasting Scotch- 
 men, ten thousand Englishmen after a hearty din- 
 ner, and ten thousand Irishmen who have just 
 swallowed their second bottle. 
 
 Loss of Sight and Speech, 
 
 The captain of a trading vessel, having some 
 contraband goods on board, which he wished to 
 land, said to an exciseman whom he knew, " If I 
 was to put a half-crown piece upon each of your 
 eyes, could you see V The answer was, "No ; if I 
 had another on my mouth I could not speak." 
 
 A Counsellor of Necessity. 
 
 The late Dr. De la Cour, of Cork, of eccentric 
 and facetious memory, having once occasion to re- 
 prove a counsel rather unlearned in the law, told 
 him he was a counsellor of necessity. " Necessity /" 
 exclaimed the briefless barrister, "what do you 
 mean by that V 9 " Because," rejoined the doctor, 
 " necessity has no law" 
 
 Orator Henley. 
 
 " I never," said a person who knew little about 
 the doctor, " saw Orator Henley but once, and that 
 was at the Grecian Coffee-house, where a gentle- 
 man he was acquainted with coming in, and seat- 
 ing himself in the same box, the following dialogue 
 passed between them ;-~ 
 
 Henley. "Pray what has become of our old 
 friend, Dick Smith 1 I have not seen hini foar se- 
 veral years.".. . 
 
496 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Gentleman. " I really don't know. The last time 
 I heard of him he was at Ceylon, or some of our 
 settlements in the West-Indies." 
 
 Henley {with some surprise). K At Ceylon, or 
 some of our settlements in the West-Indies/ My 
 good sir, in one sentence there are two mistakes. Cey- 
 lon is not one of our settlements, it belongs to the 
 Dutch ; and it is situated not in the West, but in the 
 East Indies!" 
 
 Gentleman (with some heat). " That I deny." 
 
 Henley. " More shame for you ! I will engage to 
 bring a boy eight .years of age who will confute 
 you. 
 
 Gentleman (in a cooler tone of voice). " Well, be 
 it where it will, I thank God I know very little 
 about these sort of things." 
 
 Henley. " What, you thank God for your igno- 
 rance, do you V 9 
 
 Gentleman (in a violent rage). " I do, sir, what 
 then l» 
 
 Henley, " Sir, you have a great deal to be thank- 
 ful for." 
 
 Gentlemen. 
 
 A person having some business with a master 
 sweep, was J told by the servant maid that her master 
 could hot be seen, as he was in company with an- 
 ^h^gentieman. 
 
 The Quack Doctor's Blunder, 
 
 /k physican being sent for by a maker of univer- 
 sal specifics, expressed his suprise at being called 
 In un an. occasion apparently trifling. " Not so 
 Striding neither," replied the quack, " for to tell 
 you thft ta& I hays- titei some o^ my own 
 
THE would'* jest ^oof 497 
 
 Tlie Whiskers, 
 
 A certain Swiss captain of grenadiers, whose 
 company had been cashiered, was determined since 
 Mars had no more employment for him, to try if he 
 could not procure a commission in the corps of Ve- 
 nus ! or, in other words, if he could not get a wife : 
 and as he had no fortune of his own, he reasoned, 
 and reasoned very justly, it was quite necessary his 
 intended should have enough for them both. The 
 captain was one of those kind of heroes to whom the 
 epithet hectoring blade might readily be applied : 
 he was nearly six feet high, with a long sword, and 
 a fiercely formed hat ; add to which, he was al-> 
 lowed to have the most martial pair of whiskers of 
 any grenadier in the company to which he had be- 
 longed. To curl these whiskers, to comb and twist 
 + "*m round his fore finger, and to admire them in 
 2 i 
 
498 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 the glass, formed the chief occupation and delight 
 of his life. A man of those accomplishments, with 
 the addition of bronze and rhodomontades to which 
 he had a superfluity, stands at all times, and in all 
 countries, a good chance with the ladies, as the ex- 
 perience of I know not how many thousand years 
 has confirmed. 
 
 Accordingly, after a little diligent attention and 
 artful inquiry, a young lady was found, exactly such 
 a one as we may suppose a person with his views 
 would be glad to find. She was tolerably handsome, 
 not more than three-and-twenty, with a good for- 
 tune ; and, what was the best part of the story, this 
 fortune was entirely at her own disposal. 
 
 Our captain, who thought now or never was the 
 time, having first found means to introduce himself 
 as a suitor, was incessant in his endeavours to carry 
 his cause. His tongue was eternally running in 
 prai.se of her super-superlative, never-to-be-described 
 charms, and in h/perbolical accounts of the flames, 
 darts, and daggers, by which his lungs, liver, and 
 midriff, were burnt s ip, transfixed, and gnawed 
 away. He, who, in writing a song to his sweetheart, 
 described his heart to be without one drop of gravy, 
 like an overdone mutton-chop, was a fool at a simile 
 when compared to our hero. 
 
 One day as he was ranting, kneeling, and beseech- 
 ing his goddess to send him of an errand to pluck 
 the diamond from the nose of the Great Mogul, and 
 present it to her divinityship, or suffer him to step 
 and steal the empress of China's enchanted slipper, 
 or the queen of Sheba's cockatoo, as a small testi- 
 mony of what he would undertake to prove his love ; 
 she, after a little hesitation, addressed him thus : — 
 
 " The protestations which you daily make, cap- 
 tain, as well as what you say at present, convince mo 
 
the world's jest-book. 49$ 
 
 there is nothing you would not do to oblige me ; 
 I therefore do not find much difficulty in telling 
 you I am willing to be yours if you will perform 
 one thing which I shall request of you." 
 
 " Tell me, immaculate angel," cried our son of 
 gunpowder, " tell me what it is ; though, before you 
 speak, be certain it is already done. Is it to mid 
 the seal of Solomon ? to catch the phoenix? or 
 draw your chariot to church with unicorns ? what 
 is the impossible act I will not undertake V s 
 
 " No, captain," replied the fair one, " T shall en- 
 join nothing impossible. The thing I desire, you 
 can do with the utmost ease. It will not cost you 
 five minutes trouble. Yet, were it not for your so 
 positive assurances, I should, from what I have 
 observed, almost doubt of your compliance." 
 
 "Ah, madam," returned he, "wrong not your 
 slave thus ; deem it impossible that he who eats 
 happiness, and drinks immortal life from the light 
 of your eyes, can never demur the thousandth part 
 of a semi-second to execute your omnipotent be- 
 hests ; speak ! say ! what, empress of my parched 
 entrails, what must I perform V 9 
 
 "Nay, for that matter, tis a mere trifle ; only to 
 cut off your whiskers, captain ; that's all." 
 
 " Madam ! — (Be so kind, reader, as to imagine the 
 captain's utter astonishment.) — My whiskers ; cut 
 off my whiskers ! — excuse me ; cut of my whiskers ! 
 — madam ! any thing else — any thing that mind can 
 or cannot imagine, or tongue describe. Bid me 
 fetch you Pr ester John's beard a hair at a time, and 
 it's done. But, for my whiskers, you must grant me 
 a salvo, there." 
 
 " And why so, good captain ! Surely any gentle- 
 man who had but the tithe of the passion, you ex- 
 press, would not stand upon such a trifle 1" 
 
500 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 U A trifle, madam ? — my whiskers are no trifle! 
 no, madam, no ; my whiskers are no trifle. Had I 
 not a single regiment of fellows whiskered like me, 
 I myself would be the Grand Turk of Constantino- 
 ple. Whiskers, madam, are the last thing I should 
 have supposed you would have wished me to sa- 
 crifice. There is not a woman, married or single, 
 maid, wife, or widow, that does not admire my 
 whiskers." 
 
 " May be so, sir ; but if you marry me, you must 
 cut them off." 
 
 " And is there no other way ? Must I never hope 
 to be happy with you unless I part with my 
 whiskers 2" 
 
 "Never." 
 
 " Why then, madam, farewell : I would not part 
 with a single hair of my whiskers if Catherine the 
 czarina, empress of all the Russias, would make me 
 king of the Calmues ; and so good morning to you." 
 
 Had all the young ladies in like circumstances 
 equal penetration, they might generally rid them- 
 selves, with equal ease, of the interested and unprin- 
 cipled coxcombs by whom they are pestered ; they 
 all have their whiskers, and seek for fortunes, to be 
 able to cultivate, not cut them off. 
 
 The Jew and the Lawyer. 
 
 , One day, during term time, as a solicitor, of no 
 gentleman-like appearance, was passing through 
 Lincoln's-inn, with his professional bag under hi3 
 arm, he was accosted by a Jew, with i( Clowes to sell, 
 sir, old clowes /" The lawyer, somewhat nettled at 
 this address, from a supposition that Moses mistook 
 him for an inhabitant of Duke's-place, snatched a 
 bundle of papers from their damask repository* and 
 replied — <e No, sir, they are all new suits^ 
 
the world's jest-book. 601 
 
 War and Piece. 
 Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the 
 thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added 
 — " He supposed it was owing to the war" " No," 
 replied the latter, " it is owing to the piece." 
 
 A Turf Bull 
 The mayor of an English city has put forth an 
 advertisement previous to the races r — "that no 
 gentleman will be allowed to ride on the course eoc- 
 cejjt the horses that are to run." 
 
 Nell of Wapping. 
 
 A heroine of some celebrity, distinguished by the 
 name of Irish Nell, died some time ago in Well- 
 court, Wapping. Her house had long been a friendly 
 asylum for travellers of every description. The in- 
 habitants of the frozen regions, and the negro from 
 the sultry clime of Ethiopia, often sought reiuge un- 
 der her roof.. Jews, Turks, Christians, and Pagans, 
 received the same welcome. Their accommodation 
 was liberal, on reasonable terms ; and, unlike many 
 who keep lodging-houses for the reception of fo- 
 reigners, she never practised imposition. In her 
 wilf she requested to be buried in her best clothes, 
 and left £5 as an indemnity to the parish, in case 
 the penalty should be exacted of them for suffering 
 her to be interred in linen. - The remains of poor 
 Nell were interred in Stepney burial-ground, in the 
 presence of a number of mourners. The following 
 epitaph has been written for her head-stone : — 
 
 Flashy Nell, of Old Wapping, lies under this clay- 
 In a new gown and petticoat, deck'd out quite gay, 
 Death call'd at her lodgings — she put on her best^ 
 And he took her away to the dwelling of rest. 
 
502 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A Tailor's Qoose. 
 
 A dashing foreman to a tailor in Glasgow, hav- 
 ing got a holiday to go to see his Majesty, and 
 dining in a mixed company, wished to impress those 
 present with the immense importance of his services 
 to his employers. " Though I say it, that should 
 not say it," quoth Snip, " if it was not for me our 
 people could not carry on their business." " I can 
 very well believe you," said one of v the party, M I 
 never yet heard of a tailor who could carry on his 
 business without his goose" 
 
 Curious Direction. 
 
 The following singular direction of a letter is 
 copied verbatim et literatim : — To the care of Ms. 
 G , Park lean for ms mary Wilson no 36 Liver- 
 pool England near London. 
 
 Two to One. 
 
 A recent extraordinary marriage of a wealthy 
 young lady being mentioned the other day at Lord 
 Norbury's table, his lordship asked what was the 
 disparity of the years. On being informed the 
 bride was only 25, and the bridegroom 70, Lord N. 
 quaintly replied — " Poor lady ; she had better have 
 had two thirty-fives" 
 
 Power of Habit. 
 
 A merchant, who was desired to sign the baptis- 
 mal register of one of his children, subscribed 
 tc Sherwin and Company." He only perceived his 
 mistake by the general laugh it excited. 
 
 Gazetted, and in the Gazette. 
 
 These terms imply very different things. The 
 
the world's jest-book. 503 
 
 eon of a nobleman is gazetted as a cornet in a regi- 
 ment, and all his friends rejoice. John Wilkins is 
 in the Gazette and all his friends lament. 
 
 Anecdote of a Yorkshire Farmer, 
 
 A Yorkshire farmer having been in difficulties 
 respecting a barn which belonged to him, and which 
 was considered by a body of parishioners to have 
 been forfeited, resolved to go to London for the 
 advice of a civilian. 
 
 Accordingly, he left the country, and, upon his 
 arrival in town, he went to Doctor's Commons, 
 where, meeting a civilian, he said, " Pray, sir, are 
 you a civil man f because, if you be, 1 am come to 
 insult you." The civilian took him to his office, 
 and, after bearing his case, told him, " that in the 
 eye of the law his barn was forfeited, but if his land- 
 lord was not an austere man, to offer him an equi- 
 valent, to get two arbitrators and an umpire, and to 
 put the matter into a train of conclusion." " Thank 
 you vastly," said the farmer, and, after paying the 
 lawyer his fee, he returned into Yorkshire, where, 
 collecting the parishioners, he informed them " that 
 he had seen the learned man, who said how my 
 barn is mortified, but if my landlord be not an 
 oyster man, 1 am to give him an elephant, and to get 
 two fornicators and a trumpeter, to put the matter 
 in a dram of confusion." 
 
 Droll Expedient. 
 
 The late Mr. Philip Thicknesse, father of Lord 
 Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son 
 for assistance. This being denied, he immediately 
 hired a Cobbler's stall directly opposite his lordship's* 
 house, and put up a signboard, on which was in- 
 scribed, in large letters, " Boots and shoes mended, 
 
504 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip 'Thick- 
 nesse, father to Lord Audley." The consequence 
 of this may be readily imagined ; the board did not 
 remain there many days. 
 
 Just Judgment of an Idiot 
 
 A poor man in Paris, being very hungry, staid 
 so long in a cook's-shop that his stomach was satis- 
 fied with only the smell thereof. The choleric cook 
 demanded of him to pay for his breakfast. The 
 poor man refused, and the controversy was referred 
 to the decision of the next man that should pass by, 
 who chanced to be the most notorious idiot in the 
 whole city. He, on the relation of the matter deter- 
 mined that the poor man's money should be put be- 
 twixt two empty dishes, and that the cook should 
 be recompensed with the jingling of it, as the poor 1 
 fellow had been satisfied with the smell of the 
 meat. 
 
 Trunk and Portmanteau. 
 
 On the arrival of Womb well's menagerie (inclu- 
 ding a large elephant) at a large provincial town, a 
 wag remarked, " That he expected the elephant 
 would make a long stay, as he had brought a large 
 trunk with him." A lady, hearing the remark, 
 thought it a good thing, and resolved to make use 
 of it as her own. The next day, being in a large 
 company, she said, " She thought the elephant 
 would stay a great while in the town, as he had 
 brought a large portmanteau with him." She was 
 wofully mortified, for no one vouchsafed to smile. 
 
 Tho Two Carews. 
 
 .There was at one time in the House of Commons 
 
 two members of the name of Walter Carew. Much 
 
the world's JEST-BOOK. 50ls 
 
 embarrassment having arisen from this, another 
 member proposed calling one Carew, and the other 
 Carey. u And then," said he, " we shall have no 
 more confusion between what care /, and what care 
 you>" 
 
 TJie Auctioneer's Stratagem, 
 
 A very curious and valuable library, some time 
 since, being on sale, among the rest, a manuscript 
 law book was put up, the performance of a late 
 eminent hand. To enhance the price, and stimulate 
 the company to purchase it, Mr. , the auc- 
 tioneer, told them, that besides its originality, it 
 had the additional advantage of an opinion concern- 
 ing it, written in a blank leaf, by one of the most 
 distinguished sages of the law, but he must beg to 
 be excused the producing it, till after it should be 
 sold. This took so well with the literati that they 
 advanced on one another at each bidding, till it was 
 knocked down at a very considerable price, to one 
 who was determined to have it at fany rate, who, 
 when it was delivered to him, so eager was the ex- 
 pectation and impatience of the company to read 
 the opinion, that the purchaser, for the fear of be- 
 ing crowded to death, to his mortification, read 
 these words : 
 
 " Mem. — I have carefully perused this book, and 
 do pronounce it worth not one farthing." 
 
 Hard Times. 
 
 A young member of parliament, lately in the 
 midst and heat of his harangue, addressed the 
 chair, — "And now, my dear Mr. Speaker," &c. 
 which creating a laugh, another member observed, 
 " that the honourable member was perfectly in or- 
 der, as now-a-days every thing was dear" 
 
506 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Mr. Garrow cross-examining a Tailor, 
 
 " Upon your oath, sir, where did this conversa- 
 tion happen ?" " In the back parlour, off my shop, 
 my cutting-room" "What were you then about 
 yourself? 5 ' « Walking about." " Ay, just taking, 
 a stroll in your cabbage-garden" 
 
 Tlie Benefit of Cupping. 
 
 A gentleman, complaining of being unwell, said 
 he would get bled. " Take my advice," said his 
 friend, " and be cupped ; you cannot have an idea 
 how light-headed I feel after cupping." " No doubt," 
 replied the other, " but that is only when you take 
 a cup too much ; and in such cases, every person 
 becomes UgKt-headed." 
 
 A Death-bed Bon-Mol. 
 Swift's Stella, in her last illness, being visited by 
 her physician, he said, " Madam, I hope we shall 
 soon get you up the hill again." "Ah !" said she, 
 (( I am afraid before 1 get to the top 1 shall be out 
 of breath" 
 
 China and Crockery, 
 
 A lady of rank, proudly conscious of her dignity, 
 one day descanting on the superiority of the nobility, 
 remarked to a large company of visitors, that the 
 three classes of the community, nobility, gentry, and 
 commonality, might very well be compared to the 
 tea-drinking utensils, china, delph, and crockery. A 
 few minutes elapsed, when one of the company ex- 
 pressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who was 
 in the nursery. John, the footman, was despatched 
 with orders to the nursery-maid, to whom he called 
 Out from the bottom of the stairs, in an audible voice, 
 w Hollo Crockery, bring down little China, 9 * 
 
the world's jest-book. 507 
 
 Virtues of Porter. 
 
 A man who had been quaffing porter till he was 
 completely drunk, hiccupped out, that porter was 
 both meat and drink. Soon after, going home, he 
 tumbled into a ditch ; on which a companion who 
 was leading him observed, that it was not only meat 
 and drink to him, hut washing and lodging too* 
 
 A Fair distinction. 
 
 A gentleman asking Dr. Johnson why he hated 
 the Scotch, was answered, " I don't hate them, sir, 
 neither do I hate frogs, but I don't like to have them 
 hopping about my chamber." 
 
 Welsh Pride. 
 
 A Welshman boasting of his family, said, " His 
 father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey.' 
 Being asked where, he said, "In the same monu 
 ment with 'Squire Thynne's ; for he was his coach- 
 man." 
 
 Insolvency. »: 
 
 A person inquiring what became of a friend, 
 ¥ Oh, dear," said one of the company, "* poor fel- 
 low ! he died insolvent, and was buried by the pa- 
 rish." " Died insolvent !" cried another : that's a 
 lie, for he died in London, I am sure : I was at his 
 funeral." 
 
 Odd Notions of Liberty. 
 
 A respectable tradesman in Liverpool, finding 
 two or three of his best workmen had been absent 
 for several days, went in search of them, and after 
 gome time, found them in the dark kitchen of a lit- 
 tle pot-house, so small that there was scarcely room 
 
508 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 to breathe or turn themselves ; where, it seems, 
 they had been for three days, alternately drunk and 
 sober. On their master reproaching them for their 
 neglect in business, they told him that one of their 
 companions having got married, they were deter- 
 mined to enjoy two or three days of liberty. 
 
 The Gallant Butcher. 
 
 Tn the Bristol market, a lady, laying her hand 
 
 upon a joint of veal, said, " I think, Mr. F , this 
 
 veal is not quite so white as usual,'' "Put on your 
 glove madam," said the dealer, " and you will thinlc 
 differently." It may be needless to remark that 
 the veal was ordered home, without another word 
 of objection. 
 
 Neither Drunk nor Sober. 
 
 An accident happening to a stage-coach, through 
 carelessness, the following conversation took place 
 the next morning between the guard and a stable- 
 boy. — «A bad job that of Bill's last night; how 
 was it ?" " Why some say Bill was asleep." " Was 
 he lushy ?" " No, he warn't drunk, nor he warn't 
 B ober ! The liquor was dying in him, like/' 
 
 Beauty of Sincerity, 
 
 Louis XIV. passing through Rheims, in 1666, 
 was harangued by the Mayor, who, presenting to 
 him some bottles of wine and pears, said' to him, 
 "Sire, we bring to your Majesty our wine, our 
 pears, and our hearts ; we have nothing better." 
 The King tapped him on the shoulder, saying, 
 " Such speeches do I like" 
 
 A Desperate Case. 
 A notorious rogue being brought to the Old 
 
the world's jest-book, 509 
 
 Bailey, and knowing his case to be desperate, in- 
 stead of pleading, took the liberty of jesting, and 
 thus said, " I charge you, in the King's name, to 
 seize and take away that man (meaning the judge) 
 in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life be- 
 cause of him/' 
 
 Whimsical Notice. 
 
 The following curious notice appeared in the 
 shop-window of a hair-dresser, in the neighbour- 
 hood of Dean-street, Soho : " Notice. — If the gen- 
 tleman who left his mustachios here for alteration 
 about two years ago does not call in a few days 
 and redeem them, they will be sold by public 
 auction, to defray the expense of warehouse-room, 
 &c. &c." 
 
 Knavery en all Sides. 
 
 A clergyman said to one of his parishioners, 
 * You have lived like a knave, and you will die 
 like a knave." " Then," said the poor fellow "you 
 will bury me like a knave." 
 
 Home Truths. 
 
 Relations take the greatest ^liberties, and give 
 the least assistance. If a stranger cannot help us 
 with his purse, he will not insult us with his com- 
 ments ; but, with relations, it mostly happens, that 
 they are the veriest misers with regard to their 
 property, but perfect prodigals in the article of 
 advice. 
 
 Irish Reasoning. 
 
 An Irishman asked an itinerant poulterer the 
 price of a pair of fowls. "Six shillings, sir." 
 w In my dear country, my darling, you might buy 
 
510 WIT AND WISDOM; OR, 
 
 them for sixpence a pace." " Why don't you re- 
 main in your dear country, then f* (( Case we have 
 no sixpences, my jewel," said Pat. 
 
 Proof of Authority. 
 
 A gentleman, speaking of his servant, said, "I 
 believe I command more than any man ; for, before 
 my servant will obey me in any thing, I must com- 
 mand him ten times over. ,, 
 
 Cliange of Fashion. 
 
 A gentleman, who had been desired by his wife 
 to make a purchase for her at a milliner's, being 
 requested, on his return, * by a friend to call in, 
 begged to be excused, as he had bought a bonnet 
 for his wife, and was afraid the fashion would 
 change before he got home. 
 
 Anecdote of Bonnet Thornton, Esq. 
 
 Bonnel Thornton, whose turn for wit and hu- 
 mour was only equalled by the strength of his 
 understanding, used frequently to entertain himself 
 and his friends at the expense of physicians, con- 
 ceiving he had a right as he was bred to the pro- 
 fession of physic. The formal wig was generally 
 the object of his mirth. Mr. thornton being once 
 confined to his bed by a fever, and his friends 
 thinking he might never recover, urged him inces- 
 santly to call in the assistance of the faculty. 
 Wearied with their importunities, he at length 
 promised to have a consultation on a certain day, 
 when his friends attending, they found Mr Thorn- 
 ton sitting upon his bed, with the curtains open, 
 looking gravely at three tie wigs placed in order 
 upon blocks between the bed-posts. " What is the 
 .meaning of this !" exclaimed his friends. " Why 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST -BOOK, 511 
 
 this is the consultation of physicians/ 5 answered 
 Mr. Thornton ; " 1 know what I am about — it is 
 allowed to be more than an even change against a 
 patient when he calls in a consultation of the peri- 
 wigs. The sight of the doctor has cured many a 
 patient — the danger lies in the doctor's physic. 
 Be at ease, my friends, nature is the best physi- 
 cia/i ; the assistance she wants I shall give, and 
 save my money and my life." 
 
 Thornton soon recovered, and for many years 
 joined his friends in laughing at his consultation of 
 physicians. 
 
 Apathy. 
 
 A footman of Lord Dacre's was Hung in 1763, 
 for the murder of his lordship's butler. The cul- 
 prit was only nineteen years of age. While 
 writing his confession. u I murd" — he stopped 
 short, and asked, "Pray, how do you spell mur- 
 dered V 
 
 Equal Privileges. 
 
 A naval officer, relating his feats to a marshal, 
 said, " That in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men 
 with his own hand." u And I," said the marshal, 
 44 descended through a chimney, in Switzerland, to 
 visit a pretty girl." " How could that be," said 
 the captain, u since there are no chimneys in that 
 country?" "What, sir," said the Marshal, "I 
 have allowed you to kill 300 men in a fight, and 
 surely you may permit me to descend a chimney in 
 Switzerland 2" 
 
 A Reason for Begging. 
 
 A notorious miser having heard a very eloquent 
 charity sermon, exclaimed, " This sermon strongly 
 proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind 
 to turn beggar" 
 
512 W.f and wisdom; or, 
 
 Appearances are Deceitful, 
 
 A fop, introducing his friend, a plain man, into 
 company, said, " Gentlemen, I'll assure you he is 
 not no great a fool as he seems." " No," replied 
 the gentleman, " that is the difference between my 
 friend and me." 
 
 Fellow-Feeling, 
 
 A lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's 
 leg, his mistress thus expressed her compassion : 
 " Poor, dear little creature ! I hope it will not make 
 liim sick." 
 
 Fun on a King, 
 
 Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was de- 
 sired, one night in company, to make a pun ex- 
 tempore. "Upon what subject?" said Daniel. 
 " The king," answered the other. " Oh, sir," said 
 he, " the Icing is no subject, 9 ' 
 
 Rejoicing at a Fall, 
 
 An Irishman having been told that the price of 
 bread had been lowered, exclaimed, " That is the 
 first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best 
 friend." 
 
 Dread of Taxation. 
 
 v oltaire related to Mr. Sherlock an anecdote of 
 Swift. Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieute- 
 nant, said to Swift, " The air of Ireland is very 
 excellent and healthy." " For God's sake, madam," 
 said Swift, iC don't say so in England ; for, if you 
 do, they will certainly tax it." 
 
THE WORLDS JEST-BOOK. 513 
 
 Lover's Stratagem. 
 
 A gentleman who was in love with a lady, and 
 had no opportunity to unfold his passion, appeared 
 before her house, and cried out, " Fire ! fire ! 
 fire!" upon which she threw up the window and 
 asked where ; when he placed his hand upon his 
 heart, and said, " Here, here, here." 
 
 Bachelors 9 Wives* 
 
 An Irish colonel of a volunteer corps, who had 
 long been a confirmed bachelor, excited much 
 pleasantry, by haranguing his men, " Gentlemen* 
 we are all assembled this day to defend our wives 
 and our children." 
 
 irishman's Gun. 
 
 A man having sold a gun to an Irishman, he soon 
 returned with it, complaining that the barrel was 
 much bent. "Is it?" said he, "then I ought to 
 have charged more for it." " Why so ?" said the 
 other. " Because these pieces are constructed for 
 shooting round a comer." 
 
 Arguments, pro and con. 
 
 A father, exhorting his son to early rising, re- 
 lated a story of a person who, early one morning, 
 found a large purse of money. " Well," replied 
 the youth, " but the person who lost it rose earlier." 
 
 Cart before the Horse. 
 
 A wretched artist, who thought himself an excel- 
 lent painter, was talking pompously about decora- 
 ting the ceiling of his saloon. "I am white* 
 washing it," said he, "and in a short time I shall 
 
 2k 
 
514 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 begin painting." "I think you had better," re- 
 plied one of his audience, " paint it first, and then 
 white-wash it." 
 
 Almach^s in India, 
 
 The emigration of our northern brethren to 
 India has always been pretty copious. In the time 
 of Sir John Macpherson's government, most of Ins 
 staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen^ whose names 
 began with Mac. One of the aid -de-camps used to 
 call the government-house Almack's, "For," said 
 he, " if you stand in the middle of the court, and 
 call Mac, you will have a head popped out of every 
 window." 
 
 A Flatterer, 
 
 Is said to be a beast that biteth smiling. But it 
 is hard to know them from friends, they are so ob- 
 sequious and full of protestations ; for as a wolf re- 
 sembles a dog, so doth a flatterer a friend. — 
 
 Raleigh, 
 
 No Drunkards in France, 
 
 A drunkard is a character unknown in France. 
 If a man only flushed with liquor, came into com- 
 pany, the men would look coldly on him, and the 
 women would not speak to him. That door would 
 never be opened to him again. Drinking is con- 
 sidered as a vice so low and disgusting, that it is 
 held in contempt even by the common people. 
 That vice, then, a man could never learn there. 
 If he were unhappy enough to be addicted to it, 
 and had any sense of shame, travelling would be a 
 very probable means to cure him. — 
 
 Elegant Anecdotes* 
 
the world's jest-book. 515 
 
 Bishop Horn's remark on Wit, 
 
 This rev. prelate, who always practised what he 
 recommended, made the following observations on 
 this subject: — "Wit," says he, "if it be used at 
 all, should be tempered with good humour, so as 
 not to exasperate the person who is the object of 
 it ; and then, we are sure, there is no mischief done. 
 The disputant ought to be at once firm and calm ; 
 his head cool, and his heart warm." 
 
 Singular Epitaph. 
 
 On a stone in a porch at the southern entrance 
 of the Collegiate Church, Wolverhampton, is the 
 following singular epitaph : — "Near this place lies 
 Claudius Philips, whose absolute contempt of riches, 
 and inimitable performances on the violin, made him 
 the admiration of all who knew him. He was born 
 in Wales, made the tour of Europe, and, after the 
 experience of both kinds of fortune, died in 1733." 
 
 Dining in a storm at Sea. 
 
 The table itself screwed down, is first prepared, 
 by laying along it two sand-bags, which run its en- 
 tire length ; between those are placed several 
 smaller bags, like the rungs between the sides of a 
 ladder, and in the spaces thus formed are deposited 
 the dishes. You then take your seat at table, hold- 
 ing on as well as you can : when all is ready, the 
 servants brings your plate, knife and fork, and you 
 eat, holding on at each roll, and take a cut and bit 
 in the intervals. Despite all these precautions, 
 | however, you sometimes find the dishes change 
 ! places as if by magic. A gentleman just above me 
 was taken all aback, and suddenly found himself 
 sprawling on the. deck, with one lady, one tureen of 
 

 516 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 soup, one ditto of apple sauce, two small children, 
 a beef-steak pie, and a cruet stand, all piled like a 
 monument over him. 
 
 A Riddle, 
 
 The following riddle is said to be the last produc- 
 tion of Sheridan's witty pen : " Sometimes with a 
 head ; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without 
 a ' tail ; sometimes with head and tail, sometimes 
 without either ; and yet equally perfect in all situ- 
 asions. Answer — a wig." 
 
 The latest Information, 
 
 A certain newsmonger was relating with great 
 confidence a political occurrence, which he had from 
 the first authority,. " That cannot be," said a gen- 
 tleman present, " for I have a letter dated the 31st, 
 which says the contrary." " Ah !" replied the 
 narrator, " but mine is of the 32nd." 
 
 Fidelity and Genius, 
 
 Fidelity is like a dog, genius like a bird — the for- 
 mer will make a good servant, but the latter is fond 
 of liberty. You may teach a bird to draw water 
 and work for its victuals ; but open its cage door, 
 aiid it will soon fly away. 
 
 Tliere they go. 
 
 Two sharpers went into a public-house one morn- 
 ing, where there was an inquisitive landlord, and 
 called for some liquor, then began a conversation 
 between themselves about the singularity of a bet 
 that had been lost the preceding day. " What may 
 that have been V y asked the landlord. * Why, it 
 was simple in the man who lost, for he bet he'd do 
 what was impossible — he was to look at a clock for 
 
the world's jest-book. 517 
 
 fifteen minutes, and without stopping or faultering, 
 to repeat " there they go." u Why, do you think 
 that impossible ?" said the landlord, " why, I think 
 I could do that." " No, nor any other man." " I'll 
 lay five guineas I do." " Well, I've no objection 
 to that." The bet was made, and the landlord put 
 his five guineas on the table, as did the two men. 
 He began, * there they go, there they go ;" which, 
 as soon as they had drank their beer, they verified 
 by a departure with the money. The landlord, 
 thinking they only did it to make him lose his bet 
 by calling after them, kept on " there they go," for 
 ten minutes after their departure, and lost his five 
 guineas, though he won his wager. 
 
 Solitude. 
 
 e< Solitude," says Mr. Bulwer, in his series of papers 
 called The Student, "is only for the guiltless, — evil 
 thoughts are companions for a time : evil deeds are 
 companions through eternity." 
 
 Topers. 
 
 Dr. Johnson's opinion of drinking may be ga- 
 thered from a brief but expressively antithritical 
 passage ; he says, — " In the bottle discontent seeks 
 for comfort, cowardice for courage, and bashfulness 
 for confidence." 
 
 Anecdote of Curran. 
 
 A farmer attending at a fair with one hundred 
 pounds in his pocket, took the precaution of deposit- 
 ing it in the hands of the landlord of the public- 
 house at which he stopped. Having occasion for it! 
 shortly afterwards, he resorted to mine host for pay-' 
 ment ; but the landlord, too deep for the country- 
 man, affected to wonder what hundred pounds was 
 
518 WIT AND WISDOM \ OR, 
 
 meant, and was quite sure no such sum "had been 
 lodged in his hands by the astonished rustic. After 
 ineffectual appeals to the recollection, and, finally to 
 the honour of Bardolph, the farmer applied to Cur- 
 ran for advice. " Have patience, my friend," said 
 the counsel, " speak to the landlord civilly, and tell 
 him you are convinced you must have left your mo- 
 ney with some other person. Take a friend with 
 you, and lodge with him another hundred pounds, 
 in the presence of your friend, and then come to 
 me." We must imagine, and not commit to paper, 
 the vociferations of the honest dupe, at such advice : 
 however, moved by the rhetoric, or rather the au- 
 thority of the worthy counsel, he followed it, and 
 returned to his legal friend. " And now, sir, I don't 
 see as I'm to be better off for this, if I get my se- 
 cond hundred again ; but how is that to be done ?" 
 "Go-. and ask for it when he is alone," said the 
 counsel. " Ay, sir, but asking won't do, I'ze afraid, 
 without my witness at any rate." " Never mind, 
 take my advice," said the counsel : " do as I bid 
 you, and return to me." The farmer soon returned 
 with his hundred pounds, glad at any rate to find 
 that safe again in his possession. " Now I suppose 
 I must be content ; but I don't see as I'm much 
 better off." " Well then," said the counsel, " now 
 take your friend with you, and ask the landlord for 
 the hundred pounds your friend saw you leave with 
 him." We need not add that the wily landlord 
 found he had been taken off his guard, while our 
 honest friend returned to thank the counsel exult- 
 ingly with both hundreds in his pocket. 
 
 Friends. 
 
 A man's friendship, like the roof of his house, 
 should be well looked to, and repaired. When the 
 
the world's jest-book. 519 
 
 friend drops or the tile falls, fill up the chasm by 
 I another, or you may live soon to want both a friend 
 and a house. 
 
 Reading, Writing, and Speaking. 
 
 Habits of literary conversation, and still more, 
 habits of extempore discussion in a popular assem- 
 bly, are peculiarly useful in giving us a ready and 
 practical command of our knowledge. There is 
 much good sense in the following aphorism of Ba- 
 con, — " Reading makes a full man, Writing a cor- 
 rect man, and Speaking, a ready man." 
 
 The Surgeon's Wife. 
 
 Women possess a presence of mind which has 
 often delighted and amazed me. I remember read- 
 ing of some great surgeon, who came one morning 
 to his wife in tears, because he could not extract a 
 piece of steel from a mechanic's eye. i( I have tried 
 all the means in the power of man," said he, u but 
 in vain ; my efforts to relieve the sufferer, only 
 increase his agony — what shall I do ?" " Take a 
 loadstone," said the wife, " and draw out the metal 
 at once." The surgeon had never once thought of 
 this most simple and efficacious plan : he flew back 
 to the sufferer, and relieved him instantly. 
 
 The Good Woman. 
 
 However fashions vary, the good woman is 
 always admired ; for she appeals not to the eye, 
 but to the heart. She is not loquacious, but says 
 just enough to make every hearer wish she was 
 talkative ; and yet, when she is silent, there is such 
 a persuasive charm in her look, that we wonderj 
 how we could think her more admirable while 1 
 speaking, Though every word is expressive of the! 
 
520 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 stores treasured in her mind, the nursery is her 
 study ; and her chief care is to correct the little 
 volumes arranged there, so as to prevent a list of 
 errata from appearing at the end. She is no sath> 
 ist, and yet her reproof is more dreaded than the 
 severest line in Juvenal ; for she shames by exam- 
 pie, and the sting of her remark hc& in the superi* 
 ority of her demeanour. Her virtue would not be 
 complete without trial 5 and thus is she often neg- 
 lected, and smiles, like the sun over Kamtschatka, 
 on a churlish and sterile soil. But it is no matter ; 
 she holds her course so near to the heavens, that 
 the failings of the earthly may grieve, but they can* 
 not interrupt her. She now directs her efforts en- 
 tirely to the little spotless souls which have sprung 
 from her, and strives to amend her husband by 
 rearing his children free from the defects to winch 
 he is subject. Her death is the strongest argument 
 in favour of immortality ; for who can believe that 
 so much virtue was made to perish ? She die3 
 without a pang, in the arms of descendants, and 
 leaves behind her the exalted praise of being a wo* 
 man whom the world talked very little about. 
 
 Noble Sentiment. 
 
 The Creator does not intend that the greatest 
 part of mankind should come into the world with 
 saddles on their backs, and bridles in their mouths, 
 and a few ready booted and spurred, to ride the rest 
 to death. 
 
 '1 Learned Scotchmen. 
 
 A lady once asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, 
 how it happened, that the Scots who came out 
 ot their own country were, generally speaking, men 
 ©f more abilities than those who remained at home. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 521 
 
 w Oh, madam," said he, '•' the reason is obvious. At 
 every outlet, there are persons stationed to examine 
 all who pass, that for the honour of the country no 
 one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of 
 Understanding." " Then" said she, (i J suppose 
 your lords/tip was smuggled" 
 
 Tell us what you can't do, 
 A party of Oxford Scholars were one evening ca^ 
 rousing at the Star Inn, when a waggish student, a 
 stranger to them, abruptly introduced himself, and 
 seeing he was not <* one of us," they all began to 
 quiz him. This put him upon his mettle, and be- 
 sides boasting of other accomplishments, he told 
 them in plain terms, that he could write Greek and 
 Latin verses better, and was, in short, an over* 
 match for them at anything. Upon this one of the 
 party exclaimed, u You have told us a great deal 
 about what you can do, — tell us something you can't 
 do" "Well," retorted he, "I'll tell you what 
 I can't do, — T can't pay my reckoning I" This 
 sally procured him a hearty welcome, 
 
 A n Irishman's belief. 
 
 An Irishman, nearly " three sheets in the wind,*- 
 was asked of what belief he was. He replied, "Go 
 to ihe widow Milliken, I owe her 12s. ; it is her be^- 
 lief I wul never nay her, and, faith, that's my belief 
 tec." 
 
 Heal Tragedy. 
 
 The history of Sweden records a very extraordi* 
 nary incident which took place at the representation 
 of the Mystery of the Passion, under King John II., 
 in 1513. The actor who performed the part of Lon- 
 glnus, the soldier who was to pierce the Christ ou 
 
522 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 the cross in the side, was so transported with the 
 spirit of the action, that he really kilted the man 
 who personated our Lord ; failing suddenly, and. 
 with great violence, he overthrew the actress who 
 personated the holy mother. King John, who was 
 present at the spectacle, was so enraged at Longmus, 
 that he leaped on the stage, and struck off his head. 
 The spectators, who had been delighted with the 
 too violent actor, became infuriated against their 
 king, fell upon him in a throng, and killed him 
 
 The Effects of Spirits. 
 
 A medical gentleman met an old woman in his 
 rounds, who asked him whether he liked gin, rum, 
 or brandy best. Upon being told that he was not 
 in the habit of taking gin, rum, or brandy, she said, 
 66 What ! not take gin ? I like gin best of every- 
 thing ; for I have been in the hospital, and I know 
 all about it. Gin only eats off the skin of the liver, 
 rum fills it full, like a sponge ; but brandy eats 
 holes into it, that I could put my finger in." 
 
 The Hope. 
 
 When the air balloon was first discovered, some 
 one flippantly asked Dr. Franklin what was the use 
 of it. The doctor answered this question by asking 
 another : " What is the use of a new-born infant I 
 It may become a man." 
 
 Parallel of the Sexes, 
 
 Man is strong, woman is beautiful — man is daring 
 and confident, woman is diffident and unassuming — 
 man is great in action, woman is suffering — man 
 shines abroad, woman at home — man talks to 
 convince, woman to persuade and please — man has 
 a rugged heart, woman has a soft and tender one — 
 
the world's jest-book. 523 
 
 man prevents misery, woman relieves it — man has 
 science, woman taste — man has judgment, woman 
 sensibility — man is a being of justice, woman of 
 mercy. 
 
 An Irish Wine Drinker. 
 
 A gentleman from Ireland, on entering a London 
 tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary 
 Squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee- 
 room. " Blood an' ounds ! my dear fellow," said 
 he, " what are you about ? for the honour of Tippe- 
 rary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a 
 house like this !" " Make yourself aisy, country- 
 man," was the reply : " it's the seventh I have had, 
 and every one in the room knows it." 
 
 A necdote of Loughborough. 
 
 " Shortly after commencing practice at the Scot- 
 tish bar," says the writer of an interesting memoir 
 of Lord Loughborough, (the Chancellor) "it was his 
 fortune to be opposed to Mr. Lockhart, at that time 
 a leading counsel. In replying to an impassioned 
 appeal of this powerful opponent, he summed up an 
 ironical picture of Mr. Lo Chart's eloquence in 
 these sarcastic terms : ' Nay, my lord, if these 
 tears could have moved your lorpship's tears, sure 
 I am they would not have been wanting.' The Lord 
 President immediately interrupted the young coun- 
 sel, and told him he was pursuing a very indecorous 
 course of observation. Wedderburne maintained 
 with spirit that he had said nothing he was not well 
 entitled to say, and would have no hesitation in say- 
 ing again. The Lord President, irritated probably 
 at so bold an answer from a junior, rejoined in a 
 manner, the personality of which provoked the ad- 
 vocate to tell his lordship that he had said that as a 
 
524 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 judge which he dared not justify as a gentleman. 
 The remark was hasty, and not to be brooked. The 
 President threw himself on the protection of his 
 brother justices, and Wedderburne was ordered by 
 the unanimous voice of the court to make a most 
 abject apology, on pain of deprivation. He refused, 
 and threw off his gown." It is a fact, that when 
 Wedderburne went to England to proceed to the 
 bar, being anxious to get rid as much as possible of 
 his Scotch accent, which he feared might prove an 
 impediment to his success he studied elocution un- 
 der two Irishmen, the elder Sheridan, father of 
 Richard Brinsley, and Macklin the player : yet did 
 he become the most eloquent pleader of his day. 
 
 Anecdote of Quin, 
 
 Quin, in his old age, became a gourmand ; and 
 among other things, invented a composition, which 
 he called his Siamese Soup, pretending that its in- 
 gredients were principally from the East. The 
 peculiarity of its flavour became the topic of the 
 <*ay. The rage at Bath was Mr. Quin's soup ; but 
 as he would not part with the receipt, this state of 
 notice was highly inconvenient : every person of 
 taste was endeavouring to dine with him ; every 
 dinner he was at, an apology was made for the ab- 
 sence of the Siamese Soup. His female friends 
 he was forced to put off with promises ; the males 
 received a respectful but manly denial. A conspi- 
 racy was, accordingly, projected by a dozen bon 
 mvants of Bath, against his peace and comfort. At 
 home he was flooded with anonymous letters ; 
 abroad beset with applications under every form. 
 The possession of this secret was made a canker to 
 all his enjoyments. At length, he discovered th 
 design, and determined on revenge. Collecting th 
 
the would's jest-book. 525 
 
 names of the principal confederates, he invited them 
 to dinner, promising to give them the receipt before 
 they departed, — an invitation which was joyfully 
 accepted. Quin then gave a pair of old boots to 
 the housemaid to scour aud soak, and when suffi- 
 ciently seasoned, to chop up into fine pieces like 
 minced meat. On the appointed day, he took these 
 particles, and pouring them into a copper pot, with 
 sage, onions, spice, ham, wine, water, and other in 
 gredients, composed a mixture of about two gallons, 
 which was served up at his table as Siamese Soap. 
 The company were in transports at its flavour ; bu- 
 Quin, pleading a cold* did not taste it. A pleasant 
 evening was spent, and when the hour of departure 
 arrived, each person pulled out his tablet to write 
 down the receipt. Quin now pretended that he had 
 forgot making the promise ; but his guests were not 
 to be put off, and, closing the door, they told him in 
 plain terms, that neither he nor they should quit 
 the room till his pledge had been redeemed. Quin 
 stammered and evaded, and kept them from the 
 point as long as possible ; but when their patience 
 was bearing down all bounds, his reluctance gave 
 way. " Well, then, gentlemen,'* said he, "in the 
 first place, take an old pair of boots," — " What ! an 
 old pair of boots ?"— " The older the better,"— 
 (they stared at each other) — " cut off their tops and 
 soles, and soak them in a tub of water," — (they 
 hesitated) — "chop them into fine particles, and 
 pour them into a pot with two gallons and a half of 
 water." "Why, Quin," they simultaneously ex* 
 claimed, "you do not mean to say that the soup wo 
 have been drinking was made of old boots !" "I 
 do, gentlemen," he replied, "my cook will assure 
 you she chopped them up." They required no 
 such attestation : his cool, inflexible expression was 
 
526 WIT AND WISDOM •' OR, 
 
 sufficient : in an instant horror was depicted in 
 each countenance. 
 
 Instruction and A musement, 
 
 Uninstructive amusement may be afforded for a 
 moment, by a passing jest or a ludicrous anecdote, 
 by which no knowledge is conveyed to the mind of 
 the hearer or the reader ; but the- man who would 
 amuse others for an hour, either by his writing or 
 his conversation, must tell his hearers or his readers 
 something that they do not know, and what is calcu- 
 lated to improve the mind. 
 
 A Word to Snuff Takers. 
 
 A lady asked her physician whether snuff was in- 
 jurious to the brain ? " No," said he, " for nobody 
 who has any brains ever takes snuff." 
 
 The Earl of Kellie. 
 
 The witty and convivial Lord Kellie being, in his 
 early years, much addicted to dissipation, his mo- 
 ther advised him to take example of a gentleman, 
 whose constant food was herbs, and his drink water. 
 " What, madam," said he, " would you have me 
 imitate a man who eats like a beast, and drinks like 
 a fish !» 
 
 Lord Kellie was once amusing his company with 
 an account of a sermon he had heard in a church in 
 Italy, in which the priest related the miracle of St. 
 Anthony, when preaching on shipboard, attracting 
 the fishes, which, in order to hear his pious dis- 
 course, held their heads out of the water. " I can 
 perfectly well believe the miracle," said Mr. Henry 
 Erskine. " How so ?" " When your lordship was 
 at church, there was at least one fish out of the 
 wajer." 
 
 
the world's jest-book. 527 
 
 Tax on Bachelors. 
 
 A lady having remarked in company that she 
 thought there should be a tax on the single state ; 
 *' Ye?, madam," rejoined a gentleman who was pre- 
 sent, and who was a most notable specimen of the 
 uncompromising old bachelor, "as on all other 
 luxuries." 
 
 Best Upper Leather. 
 
 The following sound advice occurs in an alma- 
 nack : " If you wish to have a shoe of durable ma- 
 terials, you should make the upper leather of the 
 mouth of a hard drinker, for that never lets in 
 water." 
 
 -A Good Move. 
 
 Sheridan being on a Parliamentary Committee, 
 one day entered the room as all the members were 
 seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving 
 nonempty seat, he bowed, and looking round the 
 table with a droll expression of countenance, said, 
 »' Will any gentleman move that I may take the 
 chair 2" 
 
 A Preacher and his Wife. 
 
 In a manse in Fife, the conversation of a large 
 party, one evening, turned on a volume of sermons, 
 which had just been published with considerable 
 success, and was supposed to have brought a round 
 sum into the hands of the author. When the mi- 
 nister's wife heard of what had been made by the 
 volume, her imagination was excited ; and, turning 
 to her husband, who sat a little aside, she said, 
 " My dear, I see nae thing to hinder you to prhat a 
 few of your sermons, too." " They were a' printed 
 lang syne," said the candid minister in his wife's 
 car. 
 
528 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Fate of Books. 
 
 There are 1000 books published per annum in 
 Great Britain, on 600 of which there is a commer- 
 cial loss ; on 200 no gain ; on 100 a trifling gain \ 
 and only on 100 a considerable profit. 750 are for* 
 gotten within the year, 100 others in two years, 
 another 150 in three years ; not more than 50 sur- 
 vive seven years, and scarcely 10 are thought of 
 after twenty years. Of the 50,000 books published 
 in the seventeenth century, not 50 are now in esti^ 
 mation. Of the 80,000 published in the eighteenth 
 century, not more than 300 are considered worth 
 reprinting, and not more than 500 are now sought 
 after. Since the first writings, 1400 years before 
 Christ, i. e. in thirty- two centuries, only about 500 
 works, of writers of all nations, have sustained 
 themselves against the devouring influence of time. 
 
 Political Catechism. 
 
 Soon after the appearance of Burke's work, in 
 which the celebrated expression of "the swinish 
 multitude," as applied to the lower grades of 
 society, was used, a pamphlet was published in the 
 form of a catechism, with a reference to the war 
 then about to be commenced : the first question* 
 " What is the first duty of a member of the swinish 
 multitude !" was answered, " To save his bacon." 
 A very good-humoured reproof* 
 
 Love. 
 
 The Duchess of Kingston asked Garrick one day 
 why Love was represented as a child. He replied* 
 • Because Love never reaches the age of wisdom 
 and experience." 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 529 
 
 Crossing the Line. 
 On the billows as we roll, 
 
 Banish every sorrow ; 
 Mirth shall Teign in every soul, 
 
 And true joy we 3 U borrow. 
 Laughing, quaffing all the day, 
 
 Cans of grog we're tossing ; 
 Blow, ye winds, blow hard, we say, 
 
 Until the line we're crossing. 
 Now prepare, let Neptune come, — 
 
 AVe defy all weathers : 
 Let's quickly sound the fife and drum, 
 
 And sport the tar and feathers. 
 
 Laughing, quaffing, &c : 
 Let us give the lubbers due, — 
 
 Boys, we'll soon delight ye : 
 There's the Equinox in view, 
 
 With the God and Amphitrite. 
 2 L Laughing, quaffing, &c. 
 
530 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 A Gentleman. 
 
 Miss M — ■— , a young heiress of considerable per- 
 sonal attractions, chanced to be seated, at a dinner 
 party, next to a gentleman remarkable in the fashion- 
 able circles for the brilliancy of his wit, and who 
 had long made one in the train of her admirers. 
 The conversation turning on the uncertainty of life, 
 & I mean to insure mine," said the young lady 
 archly, "in the Mope." "In the hope of what? 1 ' 
 said her admirer ; " a single life is hardly worth 
 insuring : I propose we should insure our lives to- 
 gether ; and, if you have no objections, I should 
 prefer the Alliance." 
 
 Miss Noyes. 
 A gentleman feeling a strong partiality for a 
 Young lady whose name was Noyes, was desirous, 
 without the ceremony of a formal courtship, to as- 
 certain her sentiments. For this purpose he said 
 to her one day, with that kind of air and manner 
 which means either jest or earnest, as you choose 
 to take it, "If I were to ask you whether you 
 are under matrimonial engagements to any one, 
 what part of your name (No yes) might I take for 
 an answer 2" " The first," said she in the same 
 tone. " And were I to ask if you were inclined to 
 form such an engagement, should a persou offer who 
 loved you, and was not indifferent to yourself, what 
 part of your name might he then take as an 
 answer *" « The last." " And if I te\} you that I 
 love you, and ask you to form such an engagement 
 with me, then what part of your name may I take V 9 
 *'Oh, then," replied the blushing girl, "take the 
 whole name, as, in such a case, I would ' cheerfully 
 resign it for yours." It is almost needless to add 
 that they were soon afterwards married. 
 
the world's jest-book. 531 
 
 The Romans would not administer an oath to any 
 but married persons, nor would they receive others 
 as witnesses. 
 
 Caesar only bestowed his favours on the fathers of 
 families. 
 
 Augustin inflicted punishment on those that were 
 unmarried. 
 
 Lycurgus humbled, and otherwise punished single 
 men. 
 
 A Depressed Pair. 
 
 A gentleman and his wife were reduced from a 
 life of splendour and luxury, by unavoidable mis- 
 fortunes, to a moderate way of living. He had been 
 since their misfortunes, extremely morose and 
 ploomy, and it was a lively reply of his affectionate 
 wife that car.sed a change. ' Wife,' said he one 
 morning, 'my affairs are embarrassed, and it is ne- 
 cessary I should curtail my expenses. I should 
 like to have your opinion as to the reduction.' He 
 said this in a more gentle tone than usual. < My 
 dear husband,' said she, 6 I shall be perfectly happy 
 if you will get rid of the sulky, and let us retain the 
 sociable? 
 
 A Married Gentleman. 
 
 An elderly gentleman travelling in a stage coach, 
 was amused by the constant fire of words kept up 
 between two ladies. One of them at last kindly in- 
 quired if their conversation did not make his head 
 ache ; when he answered with a great deal of 
 naivete, — ' No, ma'am, I have been married twenty- 
 eight years? 
 
 A Fearful Husband. 
 
 t If I'm not home from the party at ten o'clock,' 
 said a husband to his better and bigger half) don't 
 
532 
 
 WJT AND WJ*TX)M J OR, 
 
 wait for me.' * That I won't/ said the lady .signifi- 
 cantly, ' I won't wait, but I'll come for you.' He 
 returned at ten precisely. 
 
 Lady Price. 
 
 A widow of the name of Rugg, having taken Sir 
 Charles Price for her second husband, and being 
 asked by a friend how she liked the change, replied, 
 1 Oh ! I have sold my old Rugg for a good Price.' 
 
 No Scandal, 
 
 A lady suspected of popery, was brought before 
 a justice, a rigid puritan, who told her, nothing 
 could wipe away her suspicious conduct but calling 
 the pope a knave. * I know nothing of his holiness/ 
 replied the lady, f but if I knew him as well as I 
 know your worship, 1 would very readily call him 
 a knave.' 
 
 Cause for Tears* 
 
 A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, 
 observing him to lose a great deal of money, burst 
 into tears : his father asked him the reason why he 
 wept. ' Oh ! sir, I have learned that Alexander the 
 Great wept when his father Philip had conquered a 
 great many towns, cities, and countries, fearing he 
 would leave him nothing to win ; but I wept the 
 .contrary way, fearing that you will leave me nothing 
 to-tose.' 
 
 Peter the Great on Lawyers. 
 
 The renowned Peter the Great, being at West- 
 minster Hall in term time, and seeing multitudes of 
 people swarming about the courts of law, is reported 
 to have asked some one about him, what all those 
 busy people were, and what they were about ? and 
 
the world's jest-book. 533 
 
 being answered, they are lawyers ; " Lawyers I" 
 returned he, with great vivacity, a why, I have but 
 four in my whole kingdom, and I intend to hang two 
 of them as soon as I get home." 
 
 Various Authors. 
 
 Virgil was so fond of salt, that he seldom went 
 without a box-full in his pocket, which he made use 
 of from time to time, as men of the present day use 
 tobacco. 
 
 Homer, it is said, had such an aversion to natural 
 music, that he could never be prevailed on to walk 
 along the banks of a murmuring brook ; neverthe- 
 less, he sang his own ballads, though not in the 
 character of a mendicant, as recorded by Ziolus. 
 
 Zoroaster, it is said, though the most profound 
 philosopher of his time, theoretically, was very 
 easily put out of temper. He once carried his irri- 
 tability so far as to break a marble table to pieces 
 with a hammer, because he chanced to stumble 
 over it in the dark. 
 
 Shahspeare, though one of the most generous of 
 men, was a great higgler. He was often known to 
 dispute with a shopkeeper for half an hour on the 
 matter of a penny. He gives Hotspur credit for a, 
 portion of his o\^ disposition, when he makes him 
 say, * I would cavil on the ninth part of a hair.' 
 
 Peter Corneille, the greatest wit of his time, so far 
 as concerns his works, was remarkably stupid in 
 conversation, as was also Addison, who is acknow- 
 ledged to have been one of the most elegant writers 
 that ever lived. 
 
534 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Handel was such a raiser, that at the \er^ time 
 he was in the receipt of fifty pounds a night from 
 the Opera, he was frequently known to wear a shirt 
 for a month, to save the expense of washing. 
 
 Young wrote his e Night Thoughts,' with a skull, 
 and a candle in it, before him. His own skull was 
 luckily in the room, or very lit.le aid would have 
 been yielded by the other. 
 
 SUBLIME THOUGHT. 
 
 Said to be written by nearly an Idiot, at Cirencester* 
 
 Could we with ink the ocean fill, 
 
 Were the whole earth of parchment made, 
 Were every single stick a quill, 
 
 And ev'ry man a scribe by trade : 
 To write the love of God above 
 
 Would drain the ocean dry ; 
 Nor could the scroll contain the whole, 
 
 Though stretch' d from sky to sky 
 
 VIRTUE SLEEPING. 
 
 Virtue as hard up hill she went 
 
 Grew faint, her very soul was spent ; 
 
 So down she sat awhile to rest, 
 
 And low'r'd her shield beneath her breast. 
 
 She slept, and as she slept she s^iiPd, 
 
 A dream had all her thoughts beguil'd. 
 
 Vice watch'd for this and sent a dart 
 
 That reach'd — say not it reach'd her heart ; 
 
 It must have pierced it through and through, 
 
 But with his shield an angel flew ; 
 
 E'en through that shield the weapon found 
 
 Its way, and lodg'd a dangerous wound ; 
 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 535 
 
 A wound that virtue bath'd with tears 
 For days, for weeks, for months, for years. 
 'Twas heal'd at last ; but virtue still 
 Weeps at the thought of Drowsy Hill. 
 When virtue sleeps, nor dreams of pain, 
 She'll soon be wounded,— may be slain. 
 
 Dr. Young was fond of coffee in an afternoon, 
 till, finding it prejudicial to his nerves, he intimated 
 his intention of abstaining from it. His grandson, 
 who was then a little boy, inquired into the par- 
 ticular motive that led him to this resolution. "My 
 reason is," answered the Doctor, u because it keeps 
 me awake at night. I can't sleep for it." " Then 
 I beg you, sir, not to leave off your coffee ; other 
 wise you will give us no more Night Thoughts" 
 
 It is said that Dryden was always cupped and 
 physicked previous to a grand effort on tragedy. 
 
 Bembo had a desk of forty divisions, through 
 which his sonnets passed in succession, before they 
 were published ; and at each transition they re- 
 ceived correction. 
 
 Milton used to sit leaning back obliquely in an 
 easy chair, with his leg flung over the elbow of it. 
 He frequently composed lying in bed in the morn- 
 ing ; but when he could not sleep, and lay awake 
 whole nights, not one verse could he make : at 
 other times, his unpremeditated lines flowed easy, 
 with a certain impetus and oestrum, as himself used 
 to believe. Then, whatever the hour, he rang for 
 his daughter to commit them to paper. He would 
 sometimes dictate forty lines in a breath, and 
 then reduce them to half the number These 
 
£>36 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 may appear trifles : but such trifles assume a sort 
 of greatness, when related of what is great. 
 
 What is London \ 
 
 When, in ordinary circumstances, we speak of a 
 city or town, an idea is raised in the mind, of a 
 place in which there is something like a distinct 
 unity of character, in which the people have a com- 
 mon resemblance, and are actuated by a combina- 
 tion of purpose. An idea of this description should 
 never be excited when speaking or thinking of Lon- 
 don. There is no word in our language capable of 
 defining what London is. It is neither a city or a 
 town ; and the terms capital and metropolis equally 
 fail in telling its character. Those who stay in 
 London are about as little able to describe its na- 
 ture as a whole, as the stranger who pays it a pass- 
 ing visit. An entire lifetime spent in it leaves still 
 much more to learn than is already learnt of it. 
 Thus it is an enigma — a mystery even to those who 
 have been born and bred in it. 
 
 This extraordinary indefiniteness of character of 
 London, — we speak of it in the most extended 
 sense, — arises from its immensely large size. Every 
 time we visit it, its extent seems to be greater. Its 
 hugeness grows upon a person. It expands on an 
 acquaintanceship. Nobody is able to tell, even by 
 measurement, what are the boundaries of London. 
 It is utterly impossible to say where it begins or 
 ends. Topographers describe it as measuring about 
 eight miles in length, by five or six in breadth, with 
 three-fourths of its bulk lying on the northern side 
 of the Thames. It would be more consistent with 
 accuracy to say, that, lengthwise from east to west, 
 along the course of the river, there is a continuous 
 series of houses, streets, buildings of various de- 
 
u the world's jest-book. 537 
 
 scriptions, here and there interrupted with gardens 
 or small open spaces, for a distance of at least 
 twenty miles. According to our conceptions, the 
 town begins at Greenwich, and terminates at Rich- 
 mond. Its extent from its northern to its southern 
 verge, is less definable. On entering the exterior, 
 and several miles from the centre, neat small brick 
 houses, detached from each other, in the villa style, 
 first make their appearance ; these are succeeded 
 by clumps of the same kind of houses, forming 
 " terraces," and " places ;" next follow rows of 
 dwellings on both sides of the way, so as to consti- 
 tute streets ; now we have a handsomely built set of 
 alms-houses, belonging most likely to some corpora- 
 tion ; and then comes a thickly-peopled clump of 
 street, with back lanes, and a flashy public-house, 
 the rendezvous of some half-dozen stages and omni- 
 buses. Lastly, we have the streets on and on with- 
 out interruption ; the foot passengers on the side 
 are now more numerous, and every minute thicken 
 as you proceed : stone pavements take the place of 
 the rougher pathways ; all London. Thus it is on 
 any side of the metropolis ; which was the first 
 house as you entered, which the last on leaving, you 
 cannot settle in your mind. 
 
 It is this unmatchable vastness of London that 
 divests it of the usual characteristics of a town. It 
 is clear that there can exist no general sympathy, 
 or unity of feeling or purpose, in such a place. The 
 people cannot possibly know each other, and, from 
 the nature of things, they cannot care for each 
 other. What do the inhabitants of the northern 
 environs of the town know of those in the south, or 
 those of the west care for those in the east ? No- 
 thing. They are all strangers to one another ; they 
 are all like different races or nations. Thus, every 
 
538 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 body knows somebody. Every given resident 
 knows, or is intimately acquainted with, ten, twenty, 
 or fifty families ; but these acquaintances do not 
 stay near each other. Two of them reside within 
 the distance of a mile, or perhaps in the same row, 
 or next row ; another has a house at Clapham, 
 another at Brixton, a third at Stoke Newington ; 
 and the remainder are sprinkled all about the town, 
 but miles asunder from each other. The conse- 
 quence of this scatteredness of society is, as we say, 
 no unity of feeling or purpose. And hence, there 
 is no public opinion in London. Public opinion is 
 a rational aggregation of sentiment on any topic 
 requiring general consideration. It cannot there- 
 fore exist, where the whole or a large portion of 
 given people cannot freely confer wiih each other, 
 in order to exchange and mould their ideas into an 
 uniform shape. To remedy this deficiency, there 
 is the press. Newspapers are resorted to from 
 pure necessity; without newspapers, the people 
 would be kept in periect ignorance of what is going 
 on ; consequently, everybody must, by some ar- 
 rangement or other, see a newspaper. But the 
 newspapers are not the representatives of public 
 opinion ; they cannot represent what has no exist- 
 ence. They give the news which has been indus- 
 triously scraped together by men whose trade 
 consists in gathering public intelligence ; and they 
 give the opinion of one or more editors, who have 
 got their opinions from other editors, or from some 
 half dozen acquaintances, or club, or coffee-house 
 frequenters, — that is aH. The opinion of the Lon- 
 don press is thus of limited value. It is not the 
 aggregation of sentiment of a large intelligent com- 
 munity. It may be observed, that, for this reason, 
 the London press, or even government, pays much 
 
the world's jest-book. 539 
 
 more deference to the opinion 01 rne provincial 
 press, or of the public meetings in the provincial 
 towns, then it does to what is said or done in the 
 metropolis. There is something inexpressibly grand 
 in the inhabitants of a town or district of country- 
 meeting for the purpose of declaring their opinion 
 upon any subject whatever ; because it is the utmost 
 that can be done in the spirit of peace and constitu- 
 tional freedom, and it is done with effect. It gives 
 utterance to the voice of all. But all cannot meet 
 in London, — the thing is a physical impossibility. 
 As a next best, the people of a particular ward or 
 parish meet ; but such exhibitions are very partial 
 in their operation. Every thing in the town goes 
 on as if no meeting were held or ever had been 
 held. One day, in passing along the Strand, a 
 crowd of people were coming out of the doorway of 
 a large edifice. " What has been going on ?" I en- 
 quired of my friend, a gentleman whose place of 
 business was in the neighbourhood. " I don't 
 know," he replied ; " perhaps it is a meeting on the 
 slave question, perhaps about a petition to parlia- 
 ment, perhaps a church meeting, and perhaps the 
 assemblage of a Bible society. I cannot tell, but 
 you will see all about it in the paper to-morrow 
 morning." I looked in the paper accordingly, — it, 
 was the unrolling of a mummy ! Such is London. 
 Nobody, except newspaper writers, and sets of peo- 
 ple who make it their business to find out meetings 
 suitable to their tastes, ever knows what is going 
 on. 
 
 The boundlessness of London, which is so unfa- 
 vourable to the exercise of public opinion, is, in a 
 high degree favourable to the growth and expres- 
 sion of independent private opinion. There is no 
 place in the whole civilized world which affords 
 
540 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 such perfect protection to private sentiment and 
 independence of principle. In every smail town 
 there can exist only two sets of opinions — those of 
 the majority and minority. You must belong to a 
 party. You cannot possess your own individual 
 opinion, or, at least, allow it to be known. Tho 
 larger the town is, the shelter given to private 
 opinion is the more complete ; but in no town that 
 ever we saw or heard of, is the protection so effectual 
 as in London. There a man may possess any 
 opinion he pleases, and take no pains to conceal it. 
 Nobody cares about him, or pays the smallest atten- 
 tion to him, unless he makes himself very conspicu- 
 ous indeed. In such a town as Edinburgh, for in- 
 stance, it is very easy to crush and persecute, or, 
 what answers the same end, buy up, an individual 
 who maintains sentiments opposed to those of the 
 two or three parties into which the community is 
 divided. It is next to an impossibility to do this in 
 London, because the place is so large that an indi- 
 vidual escapes notice, or, if he be noticed, there 
 start up hundreds of the same way of thinking to 
 back him. In consequence of the absence of this 
 kind of backing, there is a good deal of hypocrisy 
 in every town of inferior dimensions ; in other 
 words, there is the opinion which flourishes before 
 the world in open day, and the opinion which is 
 secretly maintained or talked of, considerately, to 
 friends across the table in private- When, there- 
 fore, we speak of the expression of public opinion 
 on certain subjects in small communities, we must 
 always allow a certain measure of discount for hy- 
 pocrisy from what appears to be the general senti« 
 ment of the community — the measure proportionally 
 enlarging as the community diminishes. 
 
 The engrossing attention to business, and ardent 
 
the world's jest-book. 541 
 
 pursuit of wealth, which are observable in London, 
 form another reason for there being little floating 
 public opinion. Business is pursued in most pro- 
 vincial towns m a dawdling, trifling manner ; sen- 
 timent is allowed to creep into it. It is not so in 
 London Business there is a solid matter of diligent 
 and active pursuit. No one, who has not dived into 
 ,the sanctuaries of trade in London, can form any 
 correct idea of the devoteduess to business which 
 affects the people. The shop or the counting-house 
 is all the world to its keeper. Not an atom of 
 thought can be spared for con si deration of any of 
 the great schemes ol human improvement which 
 are going forward. It is rare even to find a person 
 who will sacrifice so much as even a single hour to 
 the public concerns of the spot in which he moves. 
 For this reason, nearly all matters of local import 
 in London are mismanaged. The people generally 
 will not look after municipal affairs. It is very 
 difficult to bring them out, or make them attend 
 meetings ; consequently, every thing is jobbed, or 
 conducted in an expensive way. Grumblings and 
 denunciations ensue, but these are heard only of an 
 evening after business is over, not in the day-time. 
 Jt is no light matter that takes John Bull from his 
 forenoon's occupation. He requires a vast deal of 
 rousing to force him from behind his counter or his 
 desk and ledgers ; in truth, men have little sympa- 
 thy with each other in London, and rely on mutual 
 support. Their wrongs are not those of a commu- 
 nity, which can be stimulated to resent them. The 
 whole man is sunk, buried, entombed in business. 
 To make money is "the great good," the object for 
 which mankind were born and live. This is an aim 
 not confined to mere men in business ; it is a ten- 
 dency ramified through the whole population. Mo* 
 
542 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 ney ! how many thousands, — or, we may say, 
 millions, — have killed body and soul to get money ! 
 Among the higher orders, it is as nmch an object of 
 ceaseless worship, as it is among those of an inferior 
 rank ; and if we descend to the lowest grade, we 
 find the same restless and insatiable craving. The 
 devouring keenness in seeking money which is thus 
 exhibited, is at once ludicrous and revolting to the 
 feelings. Among menials, the hand is ever ready 
 to receive the expected coin ; and all persons from 
 whom civility in the course of duty is required, 
 must not be defrauded of their regular gratuity. 
 One night, on going to the theatre, (it was the 
 Adelphi,) we could not procure a seat in the boxes, 
 except in a back* row, from which little could be 
 heard or seen. " Pooh, pooh !" said an acquaint- 
 ance, " you don't understand the system ; give the 
 box-keeper a couple of shillings, and he will let you 
 have a front seat at once." We followed the ad- 
 vice, and were accommodated accordingly. The 
 man's hand was hung crooked up like a ladle at his 
 side, ready for what might come. On feeling the 
 pleasing drop of the shillings, his perceptions were 
 cleared ; he recollected that there was a seat still 
 unoccupied. These are practices so common, that 
 they have ceased to be remarked. 
 
 We have often thought that the London trades- 
 man may be aptly compared to a squirrel at the 
 scamper in a revolving cage. He is in a whirl. He 
 cannot stop himself, except at the risk of tumbling. 
 He must go on. The competition which surrounds 
 him, his wants, his expenses, his wish to realize 
 wealth for himself or family, with a view to retire- 
 ment — all press upon him, and the result is a con- 
 dition of incessant movement. Reflection is out of 
 the question in such a state of things, and the plea- 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST BOOK. 543 
 
 sures of existence are narrowed into the smallest 
 compass. To many thousands of men of business 
 iu London, hardly a moment is allowed for mental 
 or bodily relaxation, but on Sundays. That day is 
 the only period of repose. In this class of society, 
 there are many who hardly ever see their families, 
 except on Sundays. We have been coolly told by 
 persons so situated, that they have not seen their 
 children for years at a time, except on this day of 
 rest. They rise in the morning and leave home 
 before their children have gone to school, and re- 
 turn in the evening after their children have gone 
 to bed. In these cases all is left to the mother. 
 Making an allowance for these being either rare or 
 exaggerated instances, it is undeniable that the 
 mode of life, which consists of a perpetual round of 
 laborious attentions and duties, is a warring against 
 nature, a destroying of both the mental and physical 
 constitution. It is certain that ihe money which is 
 accumulated by such means, rarely affords the hap- 
 piness which is expected from its possession, — a 
 circumstance not to be wondered at, for the man 
 who has spent some twenty or thirty years in 
 scraping money together, and thought of nothing 
 else, has not a mind prepared for the enjoyment of 
 tranquillity, or the contemplation of the beauties 
 and solacements of nature. 
 
 As a place of residence for persons in easy cir- 
 cumstances, London offers many temptations. Its 
 first recommendation consists in the retirement 
 it affords. Go to a country town, and you are ob- 
 served, and harassed with troublesome remarks ; 
 you are watched and talked about. Go to a pretty 
 large town, — a town of a hundred and fifty thousand 
 population, — and you are still watched, still worried, 
 though it be in degree ; the people know you. But 
 
544 WIT AND WISDOM ; UK, 
 
 go to London : there you plunge into the most per- 
 fect seclusion ; you are less known or heard of than 
 if you were to plant yourself on a desert island 
 in the Pac fie. You walk in the streets and public 
 thoroughfares, but nobody sees you. During all 
 the times we have been in London, we are not con- 
 scious of having been once looked at, even in the 
 most casual manner, when out of doors. No one 
 looks at or scrutinizes another in the streets, or in 
 any place of public meeting : you move every where 
 as if invisible. For these reasons, an individual or 
 a family can live as suits their fancy $ may remain 
 unknown, or enter into society, whichever is most 
 gratifying to their feelings. The next great recom- 
 mendation is the boundless profusion and perfection 
 in which everything which is required can be 
 obtained. We venture to say that there is no place 
 in the habitable globe where he who possesses 
 money can have everything he desires in such per- 
 fection. The luxuries and comforts of the whole 
 earth are at his feet. There is another point for 
 his consideration — he need not be bothered with ill- 
 done work. We have frequently had occasion to 
 remark, that what is done in London, is done well ; 
 every process of business and amusement, no mat- 
 ter what, is cleverly managed. You see the best 
 acting, the best driving, the best rowing, and the 
 best playing, at any indoor or outdoor sport ; you 
 also hear the best preaching, see the best collections 
 of works of art, hear the best language spoken, and 
 are treated with the best order of politeness. Tn 
 short, everything is remarkably well managed. We 
 never saw shopkeeping worth looking at, except in 
 London. The admirable address, the civility, the 
 devoted attention shown to customers, is a treat to 
 behold. It is, of course, all surface, but never 
 
*he world's jest-book* 545 
 
 mind that — one likes to be attended to when we are 
 spending money. The ease with which you can get 
 what you want, is another great recommendation. 
 In even tolerably large towns you frequently find it 
 impossible to get a particular article without order- 
 ing it, and waiting for it. But in London, there is 
 nothing which the heart can desire but may be ob- 
 tained with only a very little trouble, either new or 
 second-hand, either at a high or low price. Passing 
 along a back street, we saw a shop crammed with 
 second-hand bottles, drawers, and other materials of 
 a drug shop. " What sort of a place is that V 9 said 
 we to the friend that accompanied us. " That,'* 
 replied he, " is a shop in which you could buy every 
 article required to set up a laboratory, or chemist's 
 establishment ; you could have everything com- 
 plete in half an hour." Further on, we observed a 
 large signboard, with the words conspicuously writ- 
 ten up, " Domestic servants of all descriptions wait 
 here for employment from ten till five." These are 
 things which surprise a stranger. He feels not 
 more overwhelmed with the vastness than by the 
 fine ramifications and harmonious perfection of the 
 system. m 
 
 Rousseau says : 'No father can transmit to his 
 son the right of being useless to his fellow-creatures. 
 In a state of society, where every man must be ne- 
 cessarily maintained at the expense of the com- 
 i munity, he certainly owes the state so much labour 
 as will pay for his subsistence, and this without ex- 
 t ception of rank or person, rich or poor, strong or 
 : weak : every idle citizen is a knave. The man who 
 earns not his subsistence, but eats the bread of 
 idleness, is no better than a thief ; and a pensioner* 
 2m 
 
£46 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR. 
 
 who is paid by the state for doing nothing, differs 
 little from a robber, who is supported by the 'plun- 
 der he makes on the highway." 
 
 " To become very wise, and of course very happy, 
 to control the passions, is all which is necessary, 
 and that may be easily done. To begin with 
 Love : — When I see a beautiful woman, I will re- 
 flect thus — how soon those cheeks will lose their 
 bloom, and that fair skin grow sallow and wrinkled. 
 Those love-beaming eyes will lose their lustre : that 
 elegant form bend tottering o'er a crutch ; and 
 those dark, glossy ringlets, whitened by the frost of 
 age, fall from the declining head. By this means j 
 the most perfect beauty, smiling in youthful charms, 
 will not have power to captivate me, as I shall 
 already behold her in all the deformity of old age. [ 
 
 "In the second place, I will never be guilty | 
 of intemperance. The luxurious board, delicious 
 wines, and convivial guests, shall be no temptations 
 for me, because I will reflect on the consequences 
 that attend excess : an aching head, disordered sto- 
 mach, the loss of time, health and reason. I will 
 only supply the wants of nature ; I shall then enjoy 
 perfect health, my mind will be serene, and my ideaa 
 brilliant. I will require no effort to avoid excess. 
 
 " And in regard to fortune, my wishes are mode' 
 rate. What money I po- sess, is well secured in the 
 public funds. I Lave sufficient to render me inde- 
 .pendent, and that is the greatest blessing in life. I 
 shall never be under the cruel necessity of flattering 
 any man in power. I shall envy no man, nor shall 
 I be envied. I have friends, and T will preserve 
 them, by not giving them cause to dispute with me. 
 If I am jaever out of humour with them, they will 
 certainly behave well to me. There is no difficulty 
 in observing all this." 
 
the world's jest-book. 547 
 
 A Brother's Portion, 
 
 A potter presented himself to Schahroch, one of 
 the sons of the celebrated Tamerlane, who had 
 amassed immense treasures, and asked him if he 
 did uot believe in that article of the Mahometan 
 faith which teaches that all Musselmen are brothers. 
 The prince replied that he was lully convinced of 
 this doctrine. i Since we are all brethren, then,' 
 said the potter, ' why do you keep possession of such 
 vast treasures, while I remain in indigence % Give 
 me at least the portion which belongs to me as a 
 'brother.' Schahroch ordered him a piece of money 
 of small value. • What !' added the potter, • is this 
 all that you allow me of the great wealth you enjoy \* 
 ' Retire as fast as possible,' replied Schahroch, ' and 
 do not mention to any one what I have given thee ; 
 for thy portion would be much less, if all our other 
 brothers were to come and demand theirs. 
 
 Truth. 
 
 The late Rev. Robert Hall, had so great an 
 aversion to every species of falsehood and evasion, 
 that he sometimes expressed himself very strongly 
 on the subject. The following is an instance : — 
 Once, while he was spending an evening at the 
 house of a friend, a lady who was there on a visit, 
 retired, that her little girl of four years old might 
 go to bed. She returned in about half an hour, and 
 said to a lady near her, a She is gone to sleep, I put 
 on my nightcap and lay down by her, and she soon 
 dropped oft." Mr. Hall, who overheard this, said, 
 " Excuse madam ; do you wish your child to grow 
 up a liar V " Oh, dear, no, sir ; I should be 
 shocked at such a thing." Then bear with me 
 while I sav, you must never act a lie before her : 
 
548 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 children are very quick observers/ and soon learn 
 that which assumes to be what it is not, it is a lie, 
 whether acted or spoken." This was uttered with 
 a kindness which precluded offence, yet with a se- 
 riousness that could not be forgotten. 
 
 Time. 
 
 Time is the most undefinable, yet paradoxical of 
 things ; the past is gone, the future is not come, and 
 the present becomes the past even while we attempt 
 to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once 
 exists and expires. Time is the measurer of all 
 things, but is itself immeasurable ; and the grand 
 discloser of all things, but is itself undisclosed. 
 Like space, it is incomprehensible, because it has no 
 limit, and it would be still more so if it had. It is 
 more in its source than the Nile, and in its termi- 
 'nation than the Niger ; and advances like the slow- 
 est tide, but retreats like the swiftest ; torrent. It 
 gives wings of lightning to pleasure, but feet of lead 
 :to pain, and lends expectation a curb, but enjoy- 
 ment a spur. It robs beauty of her charms, to 
 bestow them on her picture, and builds a monument 
 to merit, but denies it a house : it is the transient 
 ,and deceitful flatterer of falsehood, but the tried 
 and final friend of truth. Time is the most^subtle, 
 lyet the most insatiable of depredators, and by ap- 
 pearing to take nothing, is permitted to take all, 
 nor can it be satisfied until it has stolen the world 
 from us, and us from the world. It constantly flies, 
 yet overcomes all things by flight ; and although it 
 •is the present ally, it will be the future conqueror 
 of death. Time, the cradle of hope, but the grave 
 of ambition, is the stern corrector of fools, but the 
 salutary counsellor of the wise, bringing all they 
 dread to the one, and all they desire to the oth r ; 
 
the world's jest-book. 549 
 
 but, like Cassandra, it warns us with a voice that 
 even the sagest discredit too long, and the silliest 
 Relieve too late. Wisdom walks before it, opportu- 
 nity with it, and repentance behind it ; he that has 
 made it his friend, will have little to fear from his 
 enemies; but he that has made it his enemy, will 
 have little to hope from his friends. 
 
 A Cause Well Pleaded. 
 
 A Roman soldier, being "engaged in a law-suit, 
 begged Augustus to plead his cause, when the em- 
 peror recommended him to one of his courtiers to 
 conduct the matter before the judges. The soldier 
 was hardy enough to say to Augustus, " I did not 
 use you in this manner, sire, when you was in dan-. 
 ger at the battle of Actium, where I fought for you 
 myself," at the same time showing him the wounds 
 he had there received. This reproach had such an, 
 effect on Augustus, that he went t to the bar, and 
 pleaded the man's cause himself 
 
 Astronomy. 
 
 An Irishman maintained, in company, tfiat tha 
 sun did not make his revolution round the earth. 
 u But how, then," said one to him, " is it possible, 
 that, having reached the west, where he sets, he is: 
 seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass under- 
 neath the globe ?" " How puzzled you are," replied 
 this obstinate ignorant man : u he returns the same! 
 way ; and if he be not perceived, it is on account of 
 his coming bach by night." 
 
 The Mother's* Hands. 
 
 " When I was a little child," said a good man, 
 "my mother used to bid me kneel beside her, aiul 
 place her hand upon my head while ^she pray«L 
 
550 WIT AND WISDOM; OR, 
 
 Before I was old enough to know her worth, she 
 died, and I was left much to my own guidance. 
 Like others, I was inclined to evil passions, but 
 often felt myself checked, and, as it were, drawn 
 back by the soft hand on my head. "When I was a 
 young man, 1 travelled in foreign lands, and was 
 exposed to many temptations ; but when 1 would 
 have yielded, that same hand was upon my head, 
 and I was saved. I seemed to feel its pressure as 
 in the days of my happy infancy, and, sometimes, 
 there came with it a voice in my heart — a voice that 
 must be obeyed — " O do not this wickedness, my 
 son, nor sin against thy God.' " 
 
 Longevity. 
 
 A certain young clergyman, modest almost to 
 bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary 
 of a contrary character, in a public and crowded as- 
 sembly, and in a tone of voice to catch the attention 
 of the whole company, "How it happened that the i 
 Patriarchs lived to such an extreme old age V To 
 which impertinent question, he immediately replied, 
 u Perhaps they took no physic.'* 
 
 Conversation, 
 
 All kinds of conversation will not suit in all pla- i 
 ces. Human life is such a blotted page, that there 
 is scarcely any person who has not some delicate 
 point about him, which others must forbear alluding 
 to in his presence. Then there are prejudices and 
 habits in all men, and it does not do to come shock 
 upon these in a random conversation. Even pecu- 
 liarities of professional occupation become causes 
 for the exercise of the good old rule, to think twice 
 before we speak once. 
 
 The meaning of many words in common use hav- 
 
the world's jest-book. 551 
 
 ing undergone a material change within the few 
 last years, the following is a correct glossary of 
 their modern interpretation. — Age — an infirmity 
 nobody will own. Common sense — a vulgar quality. 
 Dressed — half-naked. Husband — a person em- 
 ployed to pay one's debts. At home — the domes' 
 tic amusement of receiving three hundred people 
 to yawn at each other. Matrimony — a bargain. 
 Music — " The Fall of Paris," played out of time on 
 a piano-forte out of tune. Religion — occupying a 
 seat in a genteel chapel. Dancing — Whirling like 
 a dying teetotum in a waltz ; walking like a stately 
 goose through Pain's first set ! and stamping like a 
 cart-horse in a gallopade. Love — the real meaning 
 unknown. Economy — obsolete. 
 
 To live. 
 
 We see too many men willing to live to no pur- 
 pose, caring only to be rid of time ; oil what terms 
 soever, making it their only scope of life to live ; — 
 a disposition that may well benefit creatures, which 
 are not capable of any other aim, save merely their 
 own preservation ; but for men that enjoy the pri- 
 vilege of reason — for Christians that pretend a title 
 to religion, too base and unworthy. Where God 
 has bestowed these higher faculties he looks for 
 other improvements. What a very poor thing is it 
 only to live 1 but to live for some more excellent 1 
 «nd is that which reason suggests and^ultimately 
 perfects. 
 
 How much ill might be avoided, if men never 
 repeated aught that they had heard without first 
 considering their immediate right to do so, and the 
 ultimate consequences which so doing might pro- 
 duce. 
 
 Popular commotion is always to be dreadedj be- 
 
552 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 cause bad men always arise to mislead its efforts : 
 how desirable it is that it may be prevented, by 
 conciliatory measures, by timely concession of 
 rights, by redress of grievances, by reformation of 
 abuses, by convincing mankind that Government 
 have no other object than faithfully to promote the 
 comfort and security of individuals, without sacri- 
 ficing the solid happiness of living men to national 
 glory, or royal magnificence. 
 
 The happiness of domestic life flows not from the 
 beauty that enchants the eye, or the graces that 
 captivate in a ball-room ; and it is a truism which 
 cannot be too often repeated, that those who suc- 
 ceed best in amusing strangers, are not always 
 found to be the most enlivening members of the 
 circle assembled round the fire-side of home. 
 
 Happiness. 
 
 No man can judge of the happiness of another. 
 As the moon plays upon the waves, and seems to 
 our eyes to favour with a peculiar beam one long 
 track amidst the waters, leaving the rest in compa- 
 rative obscurity ; yet all the while she is no niggard 
 in her lustre— for the rays that meet not our eyes 
 seem to us as though they were not, yet she, with 
 an equal and unfavouring loveliness, mirrors her- 
 self on every wave. Even so, perhaps, happiness 
 falls with the same brightness and power over the 
 whole expanse of life ; though to our limited eyes 
 she seems only to rest on those billows from which 
 the ray is reflected back upon our own sight. 
 
 Grace. 
 
 The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of ma- 
 trimony, and in consequence of that notion pretend 
 it confers grace. The Protestant divines do not 
 
i WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. $53 
 
 carry matters so high, but say this ought to be un- 
 derstood in a qualified sense, and that marriage so 
 far confers grace, as that, generally speaking, it 
 brings repentance, and every one knows that is one 
 step towards grace. 
 
 A good Trick. 
 
 A French gentleman, travelling in his cabriolet 
 from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man walk- 
 ing along the road, who begged the favour oi him 
 to put his great coat, which he found very heavy, 
 nto his carriage. " With all my heart, (said the 
 gentleman,) but if we should not be travelling to ' 
 the same place, how will you get your coat V 9 
 " Monsieur, (answered the man with great gravity,) 
 J shall be in it." 
 
 American Bull. 
 
 Jim, do you snore when you are asleep ? No, 
 never ; for I lay awake one night on purpose to 
 see. 
 
 Legal Pathos. 
 
 Not long since, an eminent lawyer, in the State 
 of Ohio, (North America) closed a pathetic harangue 
 to a jury, in the following strain : — " And now^ 
 the shades of night had shrouded the earth in dark- \ 
 ness ; all nature lay wrapt in tolemn thought, when 
 these defendant ruffians came ruching like a mighty ' 
 torrent from the hills down to the abode of peace 
 and happiness, broke open the plaintiff's door, se- 
 parated the weeping mother from the screeching 
 infant, and took away my client's rifles, gentlemen 
 of the jury, for which we only charge fifteen dol- 
 lars." 
 
554 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 Difficulties. 
 
 Men, till a matter be done, wonder that it can be 
 done ; and, as soon as it is done, wonder again that 
 it is not sooner done. 
 
 Patriotic Elector. 
 
 " I suppose, neighbour," said one elector to ano- 
 ther, " you'll plump for Mr. , as you did before V* 
 
 "No," said the other, "I don't think I shall, the 
 beef wasn't dressed to my mind at his last election 
 dinner." 
 
 Unremitting Kindness, 
 
 * * *, the comedian, went to America, and re- 
 mained there two years, leaving his wife dependant 
 
 on her relatives. Mrs. F tt expatiating in the 
 
 green-room on the cruelty of such conduct, the 
 comedian found a warm advocate in a well known 
 dramatist. " I have heard," said the latter, " that 
 he is the kindest of men ; and I know he regularly 
 writes to his wife by every packet." — " Yes, he 
 writes," replied Mrs. F., "a parcel of flummery 
 about the agony of absence ; but he has never re- 
 mitted her a shilling. Do you call that kindness P' 
 ** Decidedly" replied the author, " wnremitting kind- 
 ness." 
 
 Curious Pledge. 
 
 At the Paisley Police Court, a man was recently 
 brought up and fined for ill-using his wife, and as 
 he had no money, he was locked up. After he had 
 remained in confinement for some time, he offered 
 to leave his arm in pledge for the amount of th<* 
 line. This having been agreed to, he unscrewed hia 
 arm, and walked off in high glee. 
 
the world's jest-book. 555 
 
 A French Bull, 
 
 A lady wrote to her lover, begging him to send 
 her some money. She added, by way of postcript, 
 u I am so ashamed of the request I have made in 
 this letter, that I sent after the postman to get it 
 back ; but the servant could not overtake him." 
 
 TJie Magnanimity of a Roman Senator, 
 
 When Vespasian commanded a .Senator to give 
 his voice against the interests of his country, and 
 threatened him with immediate death, if he spoke 
 on the other side, the Roman, conscious that the at- 
 tempt to serve the people was in his power, though 
 the event was ever so uncertain, answered with a 
 smile — a Did 1 ever tell you I was immortal ? — my 
 virtue is in my own disposal, my life m yours \ do 
 what you will, I shall do what I ought ; and if I fall 
 in the service of my country, I shall have more tri- 
 umph in my death, than you in all your laurels." 
 
 Al 
 
 * Are you much troubled with dissenters in your 
 parish !** said a young clergyman to the worthy rec- 
 tor of a populous village in Somersetshire. " No I" 
 replied the good man, with peculiar emphasis, while 
 his countenance beamed with christian charity min- 
 gled with pity for the young man, " No ! Sir, the 
 dissenters give me no trouble : it is only the absen- 
 tees that trouble me !" 
 
 Reader. 
 
 In a lecture, delivered upwards of twenty years 
 ago at some Hall in Fetter Lane, Coleridge divided 
 readers into four classes. The first he compared 
 to an hour-glass, their reading being as the sand — it 
 
556 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 runs in and it runs out,~and leaves not a vestige be- 
 hind. A second class, he said, resembled a sponge 
 which imbibes every thing, and returns it in nearly 
 the same state, only a little dirtier. A third class 
 he likened to a jelly-bag, which allows all that is 
 pure to pass away, and retains only the refuse and 
 the dregs. The fourth class, of which he trusted 
 there were many among his auditors, he compared 
 to the slaves in the diamond mines of Golconda, 
 who, casting aside all that is worthless, preserved 
 only the pure gem. 
 
 Ruling Passion. 
 
 This was truly exemplified on the evening the 
 Parliament Houses were burnt. — " What a dread- 
 ful fire !" said a gentleman to a theatrical manager. 
 " Dreadful ! it is indeed. It has spoiled my Half- 
 price!" 
 
 Political Blockheads. 
 
 There never was a party, faction, sect, or cabal, 
 whatsoever, in which the most ignorant were not 
 the most violent : for a bee is not a busier animal 
 than a blockhead. However, such instruments are 
 necessary to politics ; and perhaps it may be with 
 states as with clocks, which must have some dead 
 weights hanging to them, to help to regulate the 
 "motion of the finer and more useful parts. 
 
 Thinkers. 
 
 Thinkers are as scarce as gold ; but he whose 
 thought embraces all his object, pursues it unwea- 
 riedly, and fearless of consequence, is a diamond of 
 enormous size. 
 
THE WORLDS JEST-BOOK. 557 
 
 Parliamentary Joke. 
 The prevailing fashion of certain orators inter- 
 larding their speeches with frequent classical quo- 
 tations, brings to mind a piece of mischievous wag- 
 gery perpetrated by one of the greatest men of his 
 time. Sheridan once electrified the country gentle- 
 men in the House of Commons by concluding an 
 animated appeal to their patriotism with a quotation 
 from Herodotus, which they cheered most vocife- 
 rously, when in fact he merely strung together a 
 jargon of words, uttered on the instant, which 
 sounded very much like Greek. Pitt, ifis said, was 
 in a convulsion of laughter all the time. 
 
 Death preferred to Drunkenness. 
 
 |The Neapolitans in general hold drunkenness in 
 very great abhorrence. It is among them, that 
 a nobleman, having murdered another in a fit of 
 jealousy, was condemned to suffer death. His life 
 was offered to him on the sole condition of saying 
 that when he committed the deed he was intoxica- 
 ted. He received the offer with disdain, and ex- 
 claimed, " I would rather suffer a thousand deaths 
 than bring eternal disgrace on my family by con- 
 fessing the disgraceful crime of drunkenness." He 
 persisted, and was executed. 
 
 The Boole-worm and Ms Wife. 
 
 To a deep scholar said his wife, 
 " Would that I were a book, my life ! 
 On me you then would sometimes look* 
 . But I would be the very book 
 That you would most wish to see : 
 Then say, what volume should I be V 9 
 " An almanack, (said he,) my dear ; 
 You know we change them ev'ry year/* 
 
558 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 A Peck of DirL 
 
 Lord Chesterfield one day at an inn where ho 
 dined complained very much that the plates and 
 dishes were very dirty. The waiter with a degree 
 of pertness observed, that it is said every one must 
 eat a peck of dirt before he dies. — That may be 
 true (said lord Chesterfield) but no one is obliged 
 to eat it all at one meal, you dirty dog. 
 
 Before alL 
 
 A gentleman who was rather near sighted, being 
 at a ball, and seeing a lady whom he thought he 
 knew very well, began conversing with her in a 
 very free way, but finding she did not answer him, 
 he discovered he was in error as to the person. 
 " And," said he, as he told the story to a friend, 
 "1 was obliged to apologize after all." "Aye," 
 said his friend, and before all too, I suppose." 
 
 A counsellor to/ necessity, 
 
 ' The late Dr. de la Cour, of Cork, of eccentric 
 and facetious memory, having once occasion to re- 
 prove a counsel rather unlearned in the law, told 
 him, he was counsellor of necessity. "Necessity I' 
 exclaimed the briefless barrister, u what do you 
 mean by that V 9 u Because," rejoined the doctor, 
 f u Necessity has no law /" 
 
 A good move. 
 
 Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names 
 
 were Moore, Strange, and Wright, says the last, 
 
 * There is but one cuckold in company, and that's 
 
 Strange. 99 u Yes, (answered Strange,) here is one 
 
 i Moore. 99 « Ah ! (said Moore,) that's Wright 99 
 
the world's jest-book. 559 
 
 Head of the Pole. 
 
 When Sheridan was candidate for Westminster, 
 as the election drew towards its termination, all 
 the efforts of his friends had proved unavailing to 
 secure Sheridan's return, although his minority was 
 any thing but formidable. The interest that at- 
 tended the contest had at its close become intense, 
 and every spot whence the candidates might be 
 seen or heard was crowded in the extreme. A 
 sailor, anxious to acquire a view of the scene of 
 action, after all his exertions to push his way 
 through the crowd had proved fruitless, resorted to 
 the nautical expedient of climbing one pole that 
 supported a booth directly in front of the hustings, 
 from the very top of which Jack was enabled to 
 contemplate all that occurred below. As the ora- 
 tor commenced his speech, his eyes fell on the ele- 
 vated mariner, whom he had no sooner observed 
 than he rendered his situation applicable to his own, 
 by stating that " had he but five hundred other 
 voters as upright as the perpendicular gentleman 
 before him, they would yet place him where he was 
 — at the head of the poleP 
 
 Deaths Postponed, 
 
 In an English newspaper was the following pas- 
 sage : " A number of deaths are unavoidably post- 
 poned." 
 
 Dr. Leigh. 
 
 A roguish tenant of Baliol college slily felled the 
 trees upon his farm, and put the money in his 
 pocket. Soon after he called upon Dr. Leigh to 
 pay his rent, and the doctor inquired into the state 
 of the trees. " Alas ! sir, (said the tenant,) a great 
 
560 wit and wisdom ; on, 
 
 misfortune has happened to them ; a high wind has 
 blown them all down." " No, no, (said the doctor, 
 who knew his man,) you mistake ; it could not 
 have been a high wind, but a cutting wind, to do so 
 much execution." 
 
 Mrs. Jordan, and a royal Duke. 
 
 The late king once said to his son, €c Clarence, 
 Clarence, how's this ? you — keep an actress, — keep 
 an actress !" — rt Yes sire." — " Ah ! how much do 
 you give, eh !" — " A. thousand a year, sire." — « A 
 thousand ! too much ! Five hundred." — Upon which 
 the duke wrote to Mrs. J. expressive of his sire's 
 opinion. At than period the Covent Garden play- 
 bills always concluded with these words, 4 'JVb 
 money returned after the rising of the curtain" 
 Mrs. J. tore this off, and inclosed it in a blank 
 cover to his royal highness. 
 
 Good Nature. 
 
 Chang-King was president of the High Court 
 of Criminal Cases, and being obliged to make, 
 on the following day, his report to the emperor 
 upon an affair of consequence, which fell out in 
 the evening, he called for a secretary, set himself 
 to his desk, and drew up the writings, which 
 employed him until midnight. Having finished 
 his papers, he was thinking to take a little re- 
 pose, when the secretary, by accident, struck the 
 candle and threw it down. The fire caught the 
 papers, burnt part of them, and the tallow spoiled 
 the rest. The secretary was exceedingly sorrowful 
 and fell on his knees to ask forgiveness for the 
 offence. "It is an accident," said the president 
 mildly, « rise, and let us begin anew*"^ 
 
THE "WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. 
 
 561 
 
 Blank Verse. 
 
 <e I say Pomp, wat be de difrence Veen poetry 
 and de wat ye call plank verse ?" " Why I gib you 
 something, Scip, I tink wat be lustrations of do 
 subject: — 
 
 * Go down to mill dam 
 
 And fall down slam' — 
 
 dat be poetry ; but — * 
 
 ' Go down to mill dam 
 And fall down whappo'— 
 
 dat be plank verse" 
 
 Twins. 
 
 A little girl being told that the king's and bsa? 
 birth-day was on the same day, asked her ma 
 if the king and her were twins. 
 2n . 
 
£62 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 March of Intellect. 
 A gentleman the other day, visiting Mr. Wood's 
 school in Edinburgh, had a book put into his hand 
 for the purpose of examining a class. The word 
 f " Inheritance," occurring in the verse, the querist 
 'interrogated the youngster as follows; "What is 
 (inheritance?" A. "Patrimony." "What is pa- 
 trimony V 9 A. " Something left by my father !" 
 "What would you call it left by a mother?" 
 A. "Matrimony !" 
 
 Craniological Pun. 
 
 A small party, amusing themselves with experi- 
 ments in craniology, ^and exploring, with great eager- 
 ness, each other's skull for the various characteristic 
 bumps described in that science, found that a mu- 
 sical gentleman present had not the least appear- 
 ance of the harmonious organ, whilst another gen- 
 tleman (a bono vivant, more devoted to Bacchus 
 than Apollo) exultingly exclaimed, on feeling His 
 caput, that he possessed, in a very prominent de- 
 gree, the " organ of music " "Ah !" said a friend, 
 " the organ of music I — It must be the barrel-organ 
 then." 
 
 Whitefield and the Drummer. 
 
 George Whitefield was once in the early part of 
 his life, preaching in the open fields, when a drum- 
 mer happened to be present, who was determined 
 to interrupt his pious business, and rudely beat the 
 drum in a violent manner, to drown the preacher's 
 voice. Mr. Whitefield spoke very loud, but was 
 not so powerful as the iustrument : he therefore 
 called out to the drummer in these words : " Friend, 
 you and I serve the two greatest masters existing, 
 but in different callings ; you beat up for volunteers 
 
the worlb's jest-book. 563 
 
 for good King George ; I do for the Lord Jesus 
 Christ. In God's name, then, don't let us interrupt 
 each other ; the world is wide enough for us both, 
 and we may get recruits in abundance." His speech 
 had such an effect, that the drummer ■ went away in 
 good humour, and left the preacher in full posses- 
 sion of the field. 
 
 Dressing and Shaving. 
 
 Two sailors went into a cook-shop, and called for 
 dinner. The landlady set before them a piece of 
 boiled pork, which had not been properly singed, 
 many long hairs adhering to it. * Jack," said he 
 to his companion, " I cannot stomach this pork ; 
 why the hairs are half as thick and as long as a 
 cable." "You may eat away, gentlemen," said 
 the landlady; " I can assure you it is good meat, for I 
 dressed it myself." * Did you so, mistress I" said 
 the other sailor : " I wish you had also showed it 
 yourself." 
 
 Coals that won't Smolce. 
 
 An asthmatic old lady went to reside at bath, for 
 the benefit of her breath. She laid in a stock of 
 coals, which on their progress through the grate 
 almost suffocated her by their smoky quality. — Just 
 as they were out, she heard a coal-seller calling out, 
 "Coals, coals that won't smoke." The lady called 
 the man and questioned him — " Are.you quite sure 
 they won't smoke ?" " Quite sure, ma'am. I'll 
 forfeit double the value if they do." A chaldron 
 was brought and paid for, but they proved more 
 smoky than then' predecessors. In a month after, 
 encountering the man in the street, she upbraided 
 him for the assertion, that his coals would not smoke. 
 ( Lahap,' said the man, with the greatest noncha- 
 
$64 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 
 lance, and scratching his head, < Mayhap you put 
 
 we to 'em. 
 
 Green-room Morality. 
 
 Mrs. Inchbald, in her entertaining memoirs, in- 
 troduces to notice Mrs. Wells, the actress, kept by 
 Captain Topham, and Miss Farren, who was the 
 particular of Lord Derby, till the death of his wife 
 made her Lady Derby. — "|One evening, about half 
 an hour before the curtain was drawn up, some ac- 
 cident having happened in the dressing-room of ono 
 of the actresses, a woman of known intrigue, she 
 ran in haste to the dressing-room of Mrs. Wells, to 
 finish the business of her toilet. Mrs. Wells, who 
 was the mistress of 'the [well-known Captain Top- 
 ham, shock' d at the intrusion of a reprobated wo- 
 man, who had a worse character than herself, quit- 
 ted her own room and ran to Miss Farren's, crying, 
 f What would Captain Topham say, if I were to 
 remain in such company !' 
 
 " No sooner had she entered'the'room, to which 
 as an asylum she had fled, than Miss Farren flew 
 out at the door, repeating, * What would Lord 
 Derby say, If I should be seen in such company !' 
 
 Mrs. I. also states the following anecdote of 
 Burke. — The horse of Burke's lamented son one 
 day came to him, while buried in thought, and 
 gently laid his head upon Burke's fbosom. The 
 father threw his arms about the kind animal in aa 
 agony of tears. 
 
 " <■ Printing and the Arts. 
 
 Mr. Bell in his book on the " Power of the 
 Hand," says, " one cannot but reflect on that grand 
 revolution which took place when language, till 
 
the world's jest-book. 66$ 
 
 then limited to its proper organ, had its represen- 
 tation in the work of the hand. Now that a man 
 of mean estate can have a library of more intrinsic 
 value than that of Cicero, when the sentiments of 
 past ages are as familiar as those of the present, 
 and the knowledge of different empires is transmit- 
 ted and common to all, we cannot expect to have 
 our sages followed, as of old, by their five thousand 
 scholars. Nations will not now record their acts 
 by building pyramids, nor consecrate temples and 
 raise statues, once the only means of perpetuating 
 great deeds or extraordinary virtues. It is in vain 
 that our artists complain that patronage is with- 
 held ; for the ingenuity of the hand has at length 
 subdued the arts of design — printing has made all 
 other records barbarous, and great men build for 
 themselves a " live long monument." — Bell on the 
 Hand, 
 
 A lady observing Mr. Jekyll directing some let- 
 ters, one of which was addressed to Mr. , Soli- 
 citor : and another to Mr. , Attorney; inquired 
 
 what was the difference between an Attorney and 
 a Solicitor. ' Much the same, my dear madam, 
 (replied the wit,) as there is between a crocodile, 
 and an alligator ! 
 
 Consoling Opinion* 
 
 An attorney one day meeting Sheridan walking 
 with another gentleman in Piccadilly, he told him 
 that he had just been apprenticing his daughter, a 
 very beautiful girl, to a fashionable dress-maker in 
 Bond-street, at the same time asking his opinion of 
 his family arrangement. * Depend upon it, (said 
 SherKau,) that she is in as fair a way of being 
 
560 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 ruined as a boy is to become a rogue when he is 
 first put clerk to a lawyer. 
 
 r Mr. Sheridan was once on [a visit to the Duke 
 of Bedford at Woburn, when preparations were 
 making to take the field against the partridges on 
 the first of September. A learned barrister of the 
 party was endeavouring to improve the skill by 
 firing at a mark, which he could never hit, and, in 
 excuse for his bad aim, complained of his dog, 
 .which was not well trained, and who, at the very 
 moment he was about to fire his piece, always 
 jumped up against the mark, * Although (said he,) 
 I thought he was as sagacious an animal as ever 
 lived.' 'Sagacious indeed, (said Mr. Sheridan,) 
 and he has proved it ; for I can't conceive he could 
 be any where so safe from your shot as by flying to 
 the mark you aim at.' 
 
 Lord Bolinbroke used to say that the greatest 
 compliment which could be paid to any English gen- 
 tleman returned from his travels was to say to him, 
 * that nobody who saw him could think he had ever 
 been abroad, but that every body who talked with 
 him, would think he was a native of the countries 
 he had visited ;' and there is good sense, though a 
 little exaggerated, in the observation. 
 
 YANKEEISMS. 
 
 A Bargain. 
 
 An eastern editor says he has a first-rate head- 
 ache, which he wishes to swap for a farm. 
 
THE WORLD'S JEST-BOOK. W 
 
 A Dark One. 
 
 €C Oh, father ! I've just seen the blackest nigger 
 that ever was !" said a little boy one day, as he 
 came running into the house. " How black was he, 
 my son V 9 " 0, he was as black as black can be ; 
 why, father, charcoal would make a white mark on 
 him !" 
 
 Malting the test of it. 
 
 The Philadelphia Gazette gives the following an- 
 ecdote, as having occured in that city during the 
 worst of the pressure : — An officer of a bank called 
 at the store of a merchant, and politely informed 
 him that he had overdrawn his account five thou- 
 sand dollars. " Well, I know that," was the reply; 
 " and what's the necessity of boring me about it ? 
 Why not drop the subject altogether, and serve me 
 as I do you % I don't go to you, when you have 
 that amount in your institution, and say, c Mr. 
 President, I have got five thousand dollars in your 
 bank.' Such statements are useless any way. Good 
 morning." 
 
 Correct Answer. 
 
 " Might your name be Smith ?" said a lout to 
 
 that oddest of fellows, J . after a rap at the 
 
 door loud enough to disturb the occupants of a 
 church-yard. " i'es, it might ; but it aint by a long 
 chalk." t 
 
 In Want of a Husband. 
 
 A young lady was told by a married lady that she 
 had better precipitate herself off Niagara Falls into 
 the basin beneath, than marry. The young lady- 
 replied, " I would, if I thought I could find a fow- 
 hand at the bottom." _^- 
 
163 
 
 WIT AND WISDOM 
 
 * 
 
 
 
 The Thats. 
 
 OH* 
 
 In thirty-one words, how many thats can bo 
 grammatically inserted ? Answer, — Fourteen. He 
 said that that, that that man said, was not that that 
 that man should say ; but that that, that that man 
 said, was that that that man should not say. That 
 reminds us of the following says and saids : Mr. B. 
 did you say, or did you not say, what I said yon 
 said ? because C. said you said, you never did say 
 what I said you said. Now if you did say that you 
 did not say what I said you said, then what did you 
 say? 
 
 Yankee Courtship. 
 
 Jonathan Dumbatter saw Prudence Feastall at 
 meeting. Jonathan sidled up to Prudence arter 
 meeting, and she a kind o* sidled off. He went 
 closer, and axed her if she would accept the crook 
 o' his elbow. She resolved she would, and plumped 
 her arm right round his. Jonathan felt an all- 
 overish, and said he liked the text — " Seek and ye 
 shall find," was purty good readin'. Prudence 
 hinted that " ask and ye shall receive," was better. 
 Jonathan thought so too, but this axing was a puz- 
 zler. A feller was apt to git into a snarl when he 
 axed, and snarlin' warnt no fun. Prudence guessed 
 strawberries and cream was slick. Jonathan 
 thought they warnt so slick as Pru's lips. " Now 
 •don't," said Pru, and she guv Jonathan's arm an 
 involuntary hug. He was a leetel startled, but 
 thunk his farm wanted some female help to look 
 arter the house, Pru knew how to make rale good 
 bread. "Now don't," said Pru. "If I should," 
 said Jonathan. " Now don't," said Pru. " May-be 
 jqu wouldn't," and Jonathan shuk all over, and 
 
the world's jest-book. 569 
 
 Prudence replied, " If you be comin' that game, 
 you'd better tell feyther." "That's just what I 
 want," said Jonathan ; and in three weeks Jonathan 
 and Prudence were " ray old man," and " my old 
 woman." 
 
 Ardent Spirits. 
 Two glasser of gin a day, for one year, at three- 
 half-pence a glass, will cost a sum which will pur- 
 chase two shirts, two pair of hose, two pair of shoes, 
 a fusiian jacket, a waistcoat, a pair of trousers, cap, 
 flannel waistcoat, a coarse cloth cloak, neck-cloth, 
 two pair of cotton sheets, and two large blankets. 
 Dr. Elliotson, Professor of Medicine in the London 
 University, in one of his Chemical Lectures at St. 
 Thomas's Hospital, observed to his pupils, that one 
 of the best sermons for Drunkards and regular Tip- 
 plers, would be to exhibit to them the heart, lungs, 
 and liver of a Drunkard, by the side of the same 
 organs in a state of health. 
 
 The Little Rase A. 
 A shopkeeper at Doncaster had, for his virtues, 
 obtained the name of the little rascal. A stranger 
 asked him why this appellation was given him. " To 
 distinguish me from the rest of my trade,' ' quoth 
 he, a who are all great rascals." 
 
 Queen Elizabeth and the Knight. 
 An English knight who had behaved very inso- 
 lently to Queen Elizabeth, when she was only a* 
 princess, fell upon his knees before her, soon after, 
 she became his sovereign, and besought her to par-'; 
 don him ; suspecting (as there was good cause,)' 
 that he should have been sent to the Tower. She' 
 immediately answered, very mildly, " Do you not' 
 know we are descended from the lion, whose nature 
 is not to prey upon the mouse." 
 
570 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 Consecrated Wheelbarrow. 
 
 A poor man, with a wheelbarrow, was met by a 
 reverend gentleman in the old church-yard of Man- 
 chester, when the latter (feeling very properly for 
 'the shocking impiety of the transaction,) exclaimed, 
 " you dirty scoundrel, how dare you wheel this bar- 
 row here ? Don't you know this is consecrated 
 ground V 9 The poor man stopping, very innocently 
 .but quaintly replied, "Sir, I beg pardon, but I 
 thought the wheelbarrow had been consecrated too, 
 for I borrowed it of the sexton." 
 
 The Pious Rogue. 
 
 u Have you aught more of which your conscience 
 should be purged l" said the venerable Father An- 
 selm, addressing a kneeling sinner at the confes- 
 sional. " Yes, holy father," replied the penitent, 
 w I have committed the foul sin of theft ; I have 
 stolen this watch ; will you accept of it V 9 " Me !" 
 exclaimed the pious priest, " me receive the fruit of 
 thy villany ! how darest thou tempt me to the com- 
 mission of so abominable a crime ! Go instantly, 
 return the watch to its owner." " I have already 
 offered it to him," replied the culprit, " and he re- 
 fused to receive it again ; therefore, holy father, I 
 beseech you to take it." "Peace, wretch!" re- 
 joined Anselm, "you should have repeated the 
 offer." " I did repeat it," holy father, and he per- 
 sisted in the refusal." " Then I must obsolve thee 
 from the sin thou hast committed." The purifyed 
 jcatholic had scarcely departed, when the astonished 
 father discovered that his own watch had been sto- 
 len from the place where it had been deposited near 
 the confessionary. 
 
the world's jest-book. 571 
 
 Rosseau's Secret. 
 Two Jesuits asked J. J. Rosseau the favour to 
 communicate to them the secret whereby he was 
 enabled to write, on all subjects, with so much 
 warmth and eloquence. " My secret," replied the 
 philosopher, " and I am sorry it is one to your so- 
 ciety, consists in never uttering a sentiment which I 
 do not feel ; or making any assertion whatever 
 which I do not really believe." 
 
 Retaliation. 
 " I wish to God you would give me that gold 
 ring on -your finger," said a young dandy the other 
 day to a country girl, " for it resembles the dura- 
 tion of my love for you — it has no end." " Excuse 
 me," said she, " I choose to keep it, for it is likewise 
 emblematical of mine for you — it has no beginning." 
 
 Unpleasant Memory. 
 
 The father of the late Lord H — d — ck was hanged 
 for forgery. When his lordship sat as chancellor, 
 an old countryman was examined to a particular 
 fact, the date of which he could not recollect, and 
 made the following reply : " All that I remember 
 concerning that affair is that it happened on the 
 very same day that old Yoke was hanged." 
 
 A Harmless "Fellow. 
 A young officer who had lost his right arm, re- 
 marked to his friend that he should not now be 
 much feared. " No," shrewdly replied the other, 
 " you will now always be considered an armless fel- 
 low." 
 
 Dr. Walts. 
 Dr. Watts was remarkable for vivacity in con- 
 versation, and ready wit, though he never shewed a 
 
£72 WIT AND WISDOM J OR, 
 
 fondness for displaying it. Being one day in a 
 coffee-room with some friends, he overheard a gen- 
 tleman say, " What, is that the great Dr. Watts !** 
 when, turning suddenly round, and in good humour, 
 he repeated a stanza from his Lyric Poems, which 
 produced a silent admiration : 
 
 Were I so tall to reach the pole, 
 Or mete the ocean with my span ; 
 
 I must be measured by my soul ; 
 The mind's the standard of the man. 
 
 Dr. Watts was short in stature, being only about 
 five feet. 
 
 Bad Memories. 
 
 Montague says, one reason for not returning a 
 borrowed book is, because it is much easier to re- 
 tain the book itself, than the passages of it. 
 
 Fine Air. 
 
 A wealthy bishop congratulating a poor parson 
 
 .on his local situation, said, " You have a very fine 
 
 air here." " Yes," replied the latter, " if I had to 
 
 live u. on it, as well as in it, I should think so too." 
 
 Straying Flocks. 
 
 A clergyman being complained of by another for 
 drawing away his parishioners on a Sunday, made 
 this reply, — " Feed your flock better, and then they 
 won't stray /" 
 
 Staff of Life. 
 
 A young lady going into a barrack-room at Fort 
 George, saw an officer toasting a slice of bread on 
 the point of his sword. On which she exclaimed, 
 K I think, sir, you have got the staff of life on the 
 point of death." 
 
thb world's jest-book. 573 
 
 Anecdote of the Bishop of Mea x. 
 
 This prelate once asked an old woman how many 
 sacraments there were. To which question she re- 
 plied by saying there were but two. " But/' re- 
 plied the bishop, "there is marriage ; what prevents 
 you regarding so holy, delightful, and happy a state 
 as one of the sacraments ?" (C Ah ! ah ! sir," said 
 the old woman, " if it is so very good, what is the 
 reason you have never partaken of it V 9 
 
 4 Lawyer's Legacy. 
 
 A lawyer being sick, made his will, and gave 
 away all his property to lunatic, frantic, and mad 
 people; and being asked why he did so, replied, 
 from such he had it, and to such he would give it 
 again. 
 
 Breakings up are capital things in our school- 
 days, but in after-life they are painful enough. 
 Death, self-interest, and fortune's cli2ngon-fr?e every. 
 day breaking up many a happy group, and scatter- 
 ing them far and wide ; and the boys and girls ne- 
 ver come back again ! 
 
 Miss Sedgwick on Health. 
 
 It has been customary, in some of our cities, for 
 young ladies to walk in thin shoes and delicate 
 stockings in mid-winter. A healthy, blooming young 
 girl, thus dressed in violation of heaven's laws, pays, 
 the penalty: — a checked circulation, cold, fever and 
 death. " What a sad Providence !" exclaim her' 
 friends. Was it Providence, or her own folly % A 
 beautiful young bride goes, night after night, to par- 
 ties made in honour of her marriage. She has a 
 slightly sore throat, Derhaps, and the weather is in- 
 
574 WIT AND WISDOM ; OR, 
 
 clement ; but she must wear her neck and arms 
 bare, for whoever saw a bride in a close evening- 
 dress ? She is seized with inflammation on the 
 lungs, and dies before her bridal days are over. 
 " What a Providence I" exclaim the world, " cut off 
 in the midst of happiness and hope !" Alas ! did 
 she not cut the thread of life herself % A girl in 
 the country, exposed to our changeful climate, gets 
 a new bonnet, instead of getting a flannel garment* 
 A rheumatism is the consequence. Should the girl 
 sit tranquilly with the idea that Providence has sent 
 the rheumatism upon her, or should she charge it 
 on her vanity, and avoid the folly in future ? Look, 
 my young friends, at the mass of diseases that are 
 incurred by intemperance in eating, or drinking, or 
 in study, or business ; by neglect of exercise, clean- 
 liness, pure air ; by indiscreet dressing, tight lacing 
 &c, and all is quietly imputed to Providence ! Is 
 there not impiety as well as ignorance in this ! 
 Were the physical laws strictly observed from gene- 
 ration to generation, there would be an end to the 
 frightful diseases that cut short life, and of the long 
 maladies that make life a torment or a trial. It is 
 the opinion of those who best understand the physi- 
 cal system, that this wonderful machine, the body, 
 this "goodly temple," would gradually decay, and 
 men would die, as a few now do die, as if falling to 
 sieep. 
 
 A Feeling Actress, 
 
 The celebrated Mademoiselle Lecouvreur, of the 
 Theatre Francaise, passing through the streets at a 
 late hour, on a raw cold night, was accosted by a 
 poor woman with four little children, who in a tone 
 of bitter suffering beseeched the actress to take pity 
 on her destitute condition. ftjademoiselle Lecouv- 
 
the world's jest-book. 575 
 
 reur searched in her pockets, and finding nothing, 
 " Wait." said she, " my good woman, I will give voir 
 more than you could have hoped for ;" and instantly 
 throwing off her mantle, she began to recite the im- 
 precations of Camilla, with such vehemence and 
 superior talents, that soon collected a crowd aroimd 
 her, notwithstanding the inclemency of the season. 
 She then made a collection among the audience, and 
 with the fruits of her charitable exertion, gave the 
 poor woman a sufficient sum to provide lodgings 
 and clothes for her infants. 
 
 AbemetMana. 
 
 The late Mr. Abernethy would never permit his 
 patients to talk much. He could not succeed in. 
 silencing a loquacious lady but by the following ex- 
 pedient : — " Pray put out your tongue, Madam." 
 The lady complied. " Now keep it there till I have, 
 done talking." An old lady, very much inclined to 
 be prosy, once sent to him, and began by saying, 
 that her complaint commenced when she was only 
 three years old. The professor rose abruptly and 
 left the house. It was observed to Mr. Abernethy 
 that he appeared to live much like other people, 
 and by no means to be bound by his own rules. 
 The professor replied, " That he wished to act ac- 
 cording to his own precepts, only he had such 
 a devil of an appetite. 
 
 The Circle of Humanity. 
 
 Fenelon was accustomed to say, "I love my 
 family better than myself ; my country better than 
 my family ; and mankind better than my country ; 
 for I am more a Frenchman than a Fenelon ; and 
 more a man than a Frenchman. 
 
576 WIT AND WISDOM ; ETC. 
 
 The art of printing has, perhaps, contribute? 
 more essentially to the welfare of mankind, to fi 
 advancement of society, and to the promotion ai 
 diffusion of political, physical, and ethical truths 
 :than all the arts beside. It is, in fact, an art that 
 »is a preservative of all arts." Wherever it is kn< m 
 and encouraged, the progressive improvemei „ A 
 society is certain, and the march of mind se 'M\ 
 and unembarrassed. But where the press «[ 
 never shed its light, or dispensed its intellect A 
 treasures, the night of ignorance and the gloom J 
 Superstition rests upon the soul, and obscures I 
 intellect of man ; and should it be struck from eit 
 istence, with its rich treasures of instruction, t$f 
 world ere long would be merged in night and 
 barism. 
 
 ti 
 
 The most agreeable of all companions is a simp 
 Irank man, without any high pretentions to an op 
 pressive greatness ; one who loves life, and unde- 
 stands the use of it ; obliging alike at all hou: 
 above all, of a golden temper, and steadfast as 
 anchor. For such a one we gladly exchange il v 
 greatest genius, the most brilliant wit, the profoun I 
 est thinker. 
 
 A conflict occurred a short time ago in the Corl 
 theatre. One of the performers having upbraidei 
 a fiddler in the orchestra with playing out of tun ! 
 the enraged musician rushed upon the stage, a* 
 broke the bridge of the actor's nose. 
 
 WILLIAM WALKER, FRINTER, OTLEY. 
 
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