PS 1774 .H45 C6 1857 Copy 1 ^/IjO^cAV f i -'i THE MINOR DRAMA. No. CXVII. COPiOKER'S MQUISITION. A FARCE, IN ONE ACT. A^OAKEY HALL. AS PERFORMED AT BURTON 8 THEATRE. NEW YORK: SAMUEL FKEKCH, 122 Nassau-Street, (up stairs.) CAST OF CHARACTERS.— (A Coroner's IxQcisiTiox.)' Burton's Theatre. GREGORY GRIGGS— Innkeeper, and one of lier Maji'sty's Coroners for the County of Slopley Mr. M. Smith. SIR WILLIAM FLUMMER, Bakt. (in dtsgnm.) Mr. Kivinford. FRANK PLUMMEIl, M. D.— A village doctor, and his nephew Mr. Holmau. CURRAN-O'ROOLEY— Alaw clerk . . . Mr. Moore. SIMON DOBBS— Au ostler .... Mr. Bishop. BAILIFF Mr. Lawson. TREMBLES Mr. Gourley. MILLICENT (or BTiUif) GRIGGS— Daughter of G. G. and affianced to Dr. P. .... Miss Florence. JENNY— Servant Miss Charles. NEIGHBORS, VILLAGERS, (male and female). SCENE— First in London, and then at the Village of Sloppertou, Time — From sunrise to 10 o'clock. STAGE DIRECTIONS. L. means First Entrance, Ijtft. E. Fin^t Entrance, Right. S. E. L. Sec- ond Entrance, Left. S. E. R. Second Entrance, Right. U. E. L. Upper En- trance. Left. U. E. R. Upper Entrance. Right. C. Centre. L. C. Left of Centre. R. C. Right of Centre. T. E. L. Third Entrance, Left. T.E. R. Third Entrance, Right C. D. Ct.ntre Door. I). R. Door Right. D. L. Door Left. U. D. L. Upper Door, Left. U. D. R. Ipper Door, Right. *,* The re-^der is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the Audience. '7 •> COEONEE'S INQUISITION. ScEXE I. — Outer room in Railway Station in London. Time, just before daylight. loiter Gkkgouy Gkiggs, attired for an early start. October morning— large shaivl about neck, and portmanteau. G. G, [puffifig.} Aha ! I am not late. I said to myself, Griggs, my boy, don't hurry. I did no< hurry ! [Puffing.] I never do hurry, and I 0771 in time. Bah ! There wan plenty of it at the start. To tell me otherwise was only a dodge on the part of that rascally landlord to get me to ride, and put a half crown more into the pocket of some confederate. I'm an innkeeper myself these twenty years, and know all about the rascalities practised in London, and M'hich we in the pro- vinces never copy. I quarrelled with that landlord. I told him I would be in time, and I am. [ Yaiais.'] It's very early. No passen- gers yet, and the clock of the station, as I came through, gives us a quarter. [ Yawns.] I slept badly. In every nuise I detected a new murder ; and I'm sure I heard no less than three distinct cases of gar- roters in the street under my window. And they say early morning is favorable to garroters. [Looks terrified.] It's the early jail-bird which catches the gentleman worm! "The Globe" says garroters are fear- fully on the increase ; and the " Court Journal " adds that the prevail- ing style of collars exhibits necks to advantage, and invites crime. Now, I've a beau - - u - - tiful neck somewhere under this wrapper. [Feels shaivl] Aha! They couldn't garrote me in this shape! If all they say is true, what a sweet place the coroner here must have. I wonder if he does his duty ? I've been doing mine, in my mind's eye, ever since 1 had my certilicate of appointment yesterday, countersigned by the thirty-second clerk to Her Gracious Majesty's eighteenth assis- tant to the principal deputy of the Circumlocution office of the Home Depai'iraeut. What a sweet corpse that same clerk would have made 1 Set on him ! Wliy there was a breadth of form and a repose of ofBcial elegance about him to give room for a jury of twenty ! That reminds jne— I wonder if my commission is safe? [Feels in his portmanteau.] That's it — no, it's my hair-brush ! Here— no. that's my horseshoe, for good luck ! This — no, it's my patent bootjack. Now we — no, it's my 3 4 A coroner's inquisition. brandy-flask. [Takes a pull "] That's the fort to keep even a coroner alive. " Never say die" when that is full ! Here's the precious docu- ment. [Produces a /leavi/ roll of parchinent.} No passengers yet, and I'll amuse myself once more inspecting my credentials. What a breadth of authority ! [Reads.] " To all (that is to every person in the world) to w liom these presents — (Her Majesty's present ! Beautiful and poet- ical idea !) — shall come, Greeting." (Her Majesty's greetings to me!) [Inierrvpted by a noise behind, as if of some one crossing the stage. Looks around.'] This is too precious a document to be seen by everybody, and waste its fragrance on the morning air. [Is rolling it up,] Enter Curran O'Roolet, K. equipped for travel. Sees G. G. C. O'R. Rural ! Twig his neck build ! G. G. [Hearing I'lsi u-ord, ajid alarmed.^ Neck build ! Good heavens! it is a garroter ! [Prepares to move ] C. 0''R. [Aside.] Looks like a travelling agent for country factory. Large parclnnent with red seal. New patent, or diploma from the Ex- hibition. [Aloud.] Ahem ! G. G. Turning fiercely. Stand off there, you sir ! I know you ! C. O^R [Advancing ] Pooh ! Pooh ! Don't be alarmed. You're a passenger, ain't you ? G. G. What's that to you ? Stand off ! C. O'R. Wliy, I'm oue too. So are you. Carpet-bag says so — neck build — all that. How far are we going day-day — eh? G.G Nick build! 1 did hear aright! He's a confidence man. But I'm alive. C. O^R. I say, old fellow, what's the time ? G. G. Wanfs a grab at my watch ! Look at the clock — that 'II tell you. C. O-R. Independent cove, this ! Wonder if he ain't a dead head? C. 6'. Dead head ! Lord ! I'm off ! Going. Clock strikes six. •' C. O'R. In time. Faith, you guess well. Only five more minutes. We'll have a light train. D'ye know where Siopperton station is? G. G. 1 see a respectable man approaching, and I'll beard this fel- low. 1 should think I did. I've been Checks. But he may be pump"u)g me. I — I — ves, I've been there. a O'R. Oh ! And'how far might it be ? G. G. It might be as far as the Highlands or the Isle of Skye, where puppies come trom C. O'R. Only it arn't. Ha, ha ! Old fellow, you're a rum one. EiitiT Sir Wiixiam Plummer, l. G. G. A.iide. Now I've an ally ! Sir, do you know who you call a rum one? Are you aware? Cau you understand? Do you appre- ciate who you address? C. O'R. No ; damme, and it's just what I'd like to find out ! G. G. Know then, sir. that I am one of her Majesty's Sir W., interrupting. My wortiiy friend, how far is the Siopperton station ? A CORONER S INQUISITION. C. O'R. It's no use. Don't ask liim. I've tried it. He's as mum and myslerious as the ?phinx! G. G. {looJiivg datjgers at C. O'E."] Sir! there is a v;'st difference between you and others. [TFa^As te]>.'\ It appears to me everybody is going to Slopperton. [^Tukes Sir W.'s arm, and they retire up, wliispering .'] C. OR. Rum chap ! one of Iler Majesty's something or another ; perhaps a tiavelling detective. H; looks stupid and loggy enough for one. That other chap is going to same place. \_Takes out a htter.'] Perhaps he'd take it. But no ; the liim said I vvas to deliver it in propria pemma. Wretched bore, too. just as the club gave its first supper, [/t'cuc/.s] For Frank I'lumnier, M.D. I'd give a sovereign to know what it's about ! Tlxy return. Sir W. I think your fears are unfounded. He looks honest. G. G. So they all do. But pump him. [C. OK. drops leller. ivliich Sir W. picks up and reads superscript ion.'\ Sir W. What Ibr, Fiauk? Oho ! this must be the law cleik, con- veying to him the tidings. How lucky ! We go together. [Returns le!ier.'\ C. O'R. Time's up. Oh ! Thank you. Shouldn't like to have lost it. [Reads aloud] Now I'll not forget the name, if I should drop it. [Exeunt v. and Sir B .] G. G. [goiiJff.] Frank ! eh ? Both going to Slopperton ? I see. I ^7!«t' that young 'scape-gi ace of a surgeon was coming to no good. A sheriff's officer perhaps. I'll take another carriage from both of them, and watch. I}eil rings. I hope there'll be no accident. I couldn't hold an inquest out of my ' bailey-wick.' It would be a dreadful thing to have a coioner smashed, — one of Iler Majesty's coroners ! and some other coroner hold a "quest over him ! Dreadful ! JJ< II rings and exit in a hurry. ScENK n. — Wood scene on a drrp. Futh. Filter Frank Flumer tvith two men carrying a heavy bag. Frank V. You're as sl<;w as the new comet, my men. I worked too laie on that subject and the peoi)ie '11 be astir before he's under ground again. [They stop to breathe.'] Come on. You know what a row this would make if it's known. \sl Man. Row indeed, master ; but it aint hanging is it? 2nd Man. He's a heavy 'nn to drag. Frank P. Move on. Hanging! Oh no. Only a fine at best. I may as well owe the Magislrate as any one else. No damage to be feared. He was only a pauper, but his erysipehis in the head was a curious case. There ! now you've rested, and if you meet any one deposit it in the copse by Gregory Griggs' turnstile until night-fall. b A coroner's inquisition. . ■;:.': 1st 3f'U a blow. I will accompany you, sir, to the village and arrange it. Bailiff. Now you talk sen.se ! But when it's •' prying stranger," and ■' the devil, ■' you know that's scandal. * Frank P. Follow ! Bailiff'. Follow ? By the old Marshalsea but that's a good 'un. It's !/ou who are to follow. \_EieHnt u. to E* ScbNK III. — Skjii of Mule and Magpie. House at .sid-e — o/jen country be- hind and a fence and y ! 1 feel the lirst drunken moments of intoxicated greatness. 1 stand on an Kgyi)lian pyramid of greatness. Milly, my dear — Miss Griggs, there are strangers to arrive. Pray go in and array yourself to receive them. Mdly. What airs have got into dear father's head? Oh! if Frank would but come whilst he's in high humor. \_Exit into home — i..] G. G. I tread over catacombs of greatness. Your worship ! Coroner! What's to prevent my being Sheriff next— and then a Baronet — perhaps a lord ! Oh Lord ! it makes me dizzy to think of it. What if luck slionld help me ? What if some dark, horrid and mysterious tragedy should occur at my very threshold — some murder that >iiouid battle the unbandaged eye of justice itself and /—Coroner Giiggs— should torrit it out, my fortune would be made. And my daughter to lower herself to a parish surgeon— a work- house jawbones — a griller to grave-yards. Why, she shall marry a Duke, and the Lord Chancellor, on the woolsack, shall join their Lands. \_Enter Simon Lobb in terror. — R. to £. 10 A coroner's inquisition. Sh}ion. Oh ! Master Gregory ! Master Griggs ! Oil dear ! Oh dear. G. G. Wliafs the matter? Have you been garroted ? and doivt Gregory me, if you ph-ase, or the neighbors will hear you. Call lu^' Sijuire, anything but Gregory. Dou't you know I'm a Coronei- ! 11 Cor-o-ner, Simon ! Simon. Oh, i)ut Maister ! I'm out of my mind — it's so horrid. G. G. Horrid, you fool. Speak ! what do you mean. He has been garroted— his voice is reedy like a chimney swallow's, and his eyes swell. What's the matter? Simon. [^Chattering']. Murder's the matter ! G. G. [Takes a chair']. I knew it. I said so. I stand on — no, I mean, I sit on an Egyptian pyramid of greatness. Murder I Of course ; and some horrid, dark, mysterious murder that no one knows of, neither the dead man nor the one who did it. Simon. Yes, mairter. and in a bag ; and such a sight. I was with tlie strange gentleman and he sent me back for his nuibrellato the station ; and I thought I'd take a cross cut and I came across it. and it's in a bag, and the head's a jelly, and there's been murder and the strange gentleman 's didn't meet me and G. G. Stop, stop. You're wasting a depositio'n. Run for a jury. I feel that I'm a Coroner every inch. Ring the church-bell ; no stop. Alarm the village ; no don't. See Farmer Dobbins. Get the Beadle. What a streak of luck! And them horrid strangers at the station. Dark murder of course ! Tie up the liag. Put my seal on it. I put the seal of silence on the mouth of the bag. Run for a jury. [Exit Simon — k. to K. Enter C. O'R. R. to E. C.O^R. "Run for a jury !" What an extraordinary idea! [G. G is striding up and down, vniltcriitg.] I've heard of striking a jury, and of struck jurors ; but — running for one ! The fellow's mad. By all the blood of justices, it's my travelling friend, and one of Her Ma- jesty's — something. I'll twig him. Hallo, fellow passenger ! G. G.. turning. Stand off. 1 know you, sir. C. O'R. So you said this morning. G.G. And I say it again. I ondon knows you, sir. Slopperton shall know you — Murderer! ]\[-u-r-d-e-r-er ! C. O'R. Sir ! oh. the fellow is certainly crazy. Mule and Mag- pie — this is the place to meet at. [Looks up at sign.] G. G., comes toicnrd hm, and in a Ivivvoice. Bag — early train — sus- picious character — murder — I must arrest you. C. O'R. sits down and lau.ghs. G. G. Heartless wretch ! This is the murderer, without doubt. It's wonderful how being a coroner quickens one's appreciation of character. It won't do, sir. You'd better not try your tricks on me. C. O'R. This is comical. It's better than a MS. farce. G. G. Heartless ! Dark and mysterious assassin, the coroner will A coroner's inquisition. 11 Lave no f-arce about il. It will be a solemn matter in his bands. Some soul bas just goae, sir, in a bag, a bloody bag ! to that undis- covered country, from wbich no traveller as ever was born ever returns. C- O'R. Well, and wbat's tbat to me ? Is there a reward offered ? G. O. No need for it. The murderer of that soul is known. C. O'R. So much the more reason for the reward. It's a safe thing to oiler. G. G. And you are he ! C. O'K. You don't mean to say that I'm suspected ? Why, where'a the corpus delicti. What's murdered ? Who's murdered ? Vou've got to tiad something first. G. G. It IS found. None of your mysterious trifling about corpses delicii. It's a coming, in a bag. C. O'K. Bag — bag. Oh, 1 remember hearing two ill-looking fel- lows with one, as I . G. G. Stop ! On the authority of the coroner, I command you. No confession yet. They're premature. It's wrong. Don't com- mit yourself. J'll do the committing. L. E. D. Enter }\\\An, crying hnd sohhing, from house. Milly. Oh, father, father— it is — it is. I've been down the lane I've heard all. This letter, picked up on the road. He's dead ; he's murdered. \_Faints in the arms of C. O'li., ivho has run to /(cr.] C. OR. What a charming adventure ! G. G. Stand ott", nuirderer ! Let not those gory hands embrace innocence ! \_Ta];es her away.'] C. O'R. What an adventure for a club dinner! Noise of a crowd. Enter Simon ivith two men carrying a bag. Jurors and vdlaijers. \sl Neighbor. A sorry sight this bo, Master Griggs ! 2d Neighbor. It lay in the turnstile copse l>y the road. 3rf Neighbor. It be a I'resh corpse and woefully mangled. \They gather around it, and 3Iilly has revived and sits sobbing in a chair."] G. G. to C. O'R. Approach and behold your victim. [All start at him.} C. O'R. J/y victim! Bt.holdhira? Faitli. I'd have to have the sight of a millstone gazer to see through that ugly canvas. [Stoops.] G. G. [Aside.] I'll make him touch the body and perhaps it will bleed. Put your hand on it. 0. O'R. With ail my heart. It's a lumpish thing. Feels like a gutta-percha sea-serpent. G. G. What shocking levity ! All. Shocking ! [in chorus.] a O'R. Hold a bit. I'll cut the neck 1 12 A coroner's inquisition. All. Cut the neck ! Oh ! Oh ! C. O'R. And lot the cat out of (he bag. I've let many a cat out before to-day. [All close around it.'\ Simon. Oh poor doctor. Milli/. Doctor ! It ii hn then indeed ! . IFaints. [ Women close around her. Simon. But don't take on f^o, Miss ! G. G. [Aside.'] I may as well say it now he's dead. Yes frifnds he was to have been my fion-in law. But this is all irregular. I must get my jury. Now then stand and look once more and then to liU'^iness. 1st Neighbor. The face is shockingly disfigured, but then it is his hair. 2d Neighbor. And his neck and the dint on it, too ! Simon. Stripped of all his clothes. Done iu au hour's time, too. Oil. the bniti- ! C. O'R. I'll off. and enquire into this. [Goes uj>. G.G. Seizphim! Stand! [Tk-o Bailiffs collar him.} a O'R. But— but— G.G. No " ))ut '' about it. You've murdered the Dr. and that's the long and shoit of it. S« aiclj hitu. [Tlieg produce an cnvchrpe direcieel to Frank Vlummcr, M. D.} G. G. Proof positive. [Reads.'] C. OR That's only the envelope. I must have mechanically pocketed it. [J.s/(/e.] G. G. Onli/ the envelope. Where's the inside ? C. O'R. He's got it. Took it away. Simon. Tiie lying wretch. C. O'R. This is provoking. That isn't the Doctor. Humbug! it's au old corpse. G.G. Silence! I'll commit you for contempt. Now then, you women take my daughter. Neighbor Dobbins hold on to the pris- oner. Simon, bring pen and ink. I'll empanel a jury. Take seats there. [lie siU, eind daughter is taken in while Simon returns icilh pen and ink.] I'll show you what's law. Cruwner's quest law. Drag the bag one side. Now we have it. S;mon.~, Punker, Timpson, Briggs, Wil.^on, Dobljins, there's f-ix of you ; you'll be the jury. C. O'R. Taint legal. Damme, if you're to su>pi'ct me you shall do it legally. G.G. [Writes.] Put it down strong. Griggs, that's your sort. Swears '• Damme." and says L<; suspects himself! C. O'R. I'm a lawyer, too. I'ui that down. G. G. [ Writes ] Says he's a lawyer too. His own lawyer. Has a fool for a client. [1st neighbor irhispers to G. G.] A coroner's inquisition. 13 G. O. Rigbt. Quite right. Gentlemen, I will swear you. Hold up your bands. [^Theij hold up.'] You do solemnly swear in tbe pre- sence of Gregory Griggs, just and true inquisition to make of all, every, singular and plural, whatever may he done or said touching this "body in the bag of Dr. Frank Plummer. and of this luifortu- nate murderer here as to how he was killed, and who it was, of his own peculiar malice aforethought inllicted, and did the homicidal stab ; so help you Her Blessed Majesty. All Jurors. We swear ! G. OR. It's all wrong. That's no oath, damme. It's nonsensi- cal. G.G. Murderer! Don't swear. I'll do the swearing. The jury will swear. It's our duty ! Who's the lirst witness ? Simon, /found the body. G. G. True ! and the bag. Now Simon you're a good young man. Do you know 'the value of au oath? Simon. As my grandmother taught me, please sir, I do. G. G. Then as your Grandmother taught you I charge you to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with full particulars. Sunun. I s\vear. llland up.] C. O'R. Where's your Bible ? It aint legal. You've no Bible. G. G. Murderer! be silent. We have three in the house. But they shall not be profaned by any such proceedings as these. Jurors. \_Approvingbj.'\ Right Mr. Corouer, and we forbid inter- ruptions. G. G. You hear. The jury are sagacious. They forbid inter- ruptions. Now Simon Lolib what is your name ? Simo?i. True for you there, Master, and that's it just. G. G Simon Lobb [_tcrites] a just name, and he is thirty years old next Michaelmas. Simon. And not an hour shorter ! G. G. [ Wriiiriff.] Michaelmas and not an hour shorter ; and Simon, I'll add '• has bueu a good boy all his life." Simmt. Thank 'ee sir! C. D'Ji. [Aaiile.'] This is infamous. I protest. I shall lose tbe train. And he don't come. This is some plot. Oh, that cursed letter. G. G. What does he say? Dobbins, watch the prisoner. He mustn't confess. Now Simon, tell your story. Simon. I'd a been to the station and missed you, and I saw a stranger G. G. This man ? Simon, Another! G. G. Another stranger ? There's two of 'em. This is a double mystery. Where ? Simon. In the copse road. He gave me his porty-mauter and 14 A coroner's inquisition. said he would be up to the Inu. He asked for Dr. Frank and asked about him. C. O'R. 'Tis he ! I see. Maybe he is murdered. Stop! I'll tell you something. G. G. Sileuce ! Didn't I tell you there was no time for confes- sions yet. Go on, Simou. Simon. He missed his way. I saw the doctor with a letter, and the stranger man way talking to him. But we corned away to- gether. I mean I went back, and that's the last I seed of him un- til on the cross cut I saw tlie bag in the copse and G. G. Stop, I can't write so fast. This is important " bag in the copse •" \_writcs'\ Simon. And the Dr — oh, poor dear gentleman — in it. G. G. Very satisfactory. There Simon, you came out finely that time. You're a model witness. Gentlemen, that is satisfactory ! A Voice, [trembles'] But Squire are you sure iVs th^ doctor? G. G. Silence ! Who's that disturber of the Court? 1st Neighbor. Please sir, it's Toodles. G. G. Toodles! stand forth. Toodles, you're a drunken beast. Wliat do you mean l)y disturbing the solemnity of these proceed- ings. iSure it's the Doctor ! ]f7io doubts it? Who dare say that the body in that bag is not the body of Dr. Frank Flummer, my son- in-law as was to be ? Eclio answers nobody ; and I pause for a re- eponse ! 1 sliall put it down "Admitted to be the body of Dr. Plummer." [_So writes.'] Enter Sir William P., aside, L. to R. Sir W. How unfortunate I missed the road and my hand so hurt. But I was anxious to watch the dear boy. Holds uj) hind and Cannes down. G. G. [ trations. SPORTS of the SEASON, illustrated, suited to Children and Young People, in doors and out of doors; and such matters as have a happj influence on their health and intelligence. Comicalities, Humorous Sayings, Anecdotes, and " Good Things," will lighten the more solid matter. 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