EnUr^, acconllaffto Act of Conirvwi, in the year 18Tn bv Gkorof. M. Babk«, In the Offlce of th« l.ihrariaa of CuotcrvM. at Washlnatun. r o-;^cxAQtj(Xi^QCj;QOQOQOQoaoQ'QQOO'G;QQGogoa-a^gaa'Q;aoa- 1 SPEirCER'S OTIVERSAL STAGE A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all ' the necessary Stage Business. i) PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. ^^ No flays exchanged. rohhs. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 6 Male, 2 Female characters. The Daughter of the Regi- ment. A Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female characters. Aunt Charlotte's Maid. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. Brother Bill and Me. A Farce in One Act. By W, E. Suter. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. Bone on Both Sides. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. Bunduclcetty's Picnic. A Farce in One Act. Byrfft J. Williams. 6 Male, 3 Female characters. (J) 17. I've -^vritten to Browne. A Farce in One Act. By T.J.Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 10. 12. c) L 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 30. 31. 18. Lending a Hand. A Farce in One Act. By U. A. A'Becket. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 19. My Precious Betsy. A Farce in (J) One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 4 Female characters. 20. My Turn Next. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 3 Fe- male characters. 21. IVine Points of the La^v. A Com- edy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. The Phantom Breakfast. A Farce in One Act. By Charles Sel- v ^ by. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. ^ Bandelions Bodges. A Farce in One Act. Bv T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. A Slice of truck. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. Alw^ays Intended. A Comedy in One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. A Bull in a China Shop. A Com- edy in Two Acts. By Charles Mat- thews. 6 Male, 4 Female characters. Another Glass. A Drama in One Act. By Thomas Morton. C Male, 3 Female characters. Bo-*vled Out, A Farce in One Act. By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female characters. 29. Cousin Tom. A Commedietta in One Act. By George Roberts. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. Sarah's Young Man. A Farce in (j) One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, ( j^ 3 Female characters. ( 3 Hit Him, He has IVo Friends. %) A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates (i) () (') and N. H. Harrington. Female characters. 7 Male, 3 ; () 32. The Cliristening. A Farce in One ( > Act. ByJ.B. Buckstone. 5 Male, p G Female characters. 33. A Race for a Wido^v. A l F rye* Printers, Boston. THE BOSTON DIP. A COMEDIETTA, IN ONE ACT. CHARACTERS. Mr. Moses Mclligrub, once Proprietor of a Fit;h-cart, now a rich Speculator. Monsieur Adonis, a Dancing-Master. Mr. Richard Dasher, a Fast Man. Mr. Lavender Kids, an Exquisite. Mrs. Moses Mulligrub. Miss Ida Mulligrub. Miss Eva Mulligrub. COSTUMES. Full Evening Dress. Scene. — Handsome drawing room in Monsiedr Adonis's Academy. Entrances, R., L., and c. Lounges^ r. and L. Screen^ l. corner^ hack. Two chairs, r. and l. of door in flat. 215 216 THE BOSTON DIP. Musicj as curtain rises, Strauses waltz, " Beautiful Blue Danube." Miss Ida and Miss Eva discovered tvaltz- ing, introducing " The Boston Dip.'* They lualtz a few moments, the7i stop. Music ceases. Ida. Now, isn't that delightful? Eva. Delightful ! It's positively bewitching. Bless that dear Monsieur Adonis. He deserves a crown of roses for introducing to his assembly the latest Terpsi- chorean novelty. O, we shall have a splendid time to- night ! Ida. Especially as those charming waltzers, Messrs. Hichard Dasher and Lavender Kids, " the glass of fashion and the mould of form," are to honor us with their presence. - Dva. Yes, indeed. What would the dance bo without them ? Ida. Not worth the trouble of dressing. But don't you think that Mr. Dasher is a little too attentive to Miss Eva Mulligrub, — eh, sister? Eva. Not more attentive, certainly, than is Mr. Laven- der Kids to her charming sister, Miss Ida Mulligrub. — Eh, sister? Ida. But seriously, Eva, I begin to think that you are carrying this matter a little too far. Mr. Dasher might reasonably expect, from the partiality you unhesi- tatingly show for his society, and the smiles you bestow upon him, to be considered your lover. Dva. You begin to think. Why, bless you, Ida, I've thought and thought and thought, for a long time, that THE BOSTON DIP. 217 were I Mr. Lavender Kids, I should pop the question at once, so undeniably entranced are you by his attentions. Ida, Eva ! Eva. Ida ! Ida. You're talking nonsense. Eva,. Well, you began it. Ida. But you know you like Mr. Dasher. Eva. To be sure I do. He's the best waltzer in the city. Graceful, agreeable, and decidedly good-looking. Ida. And you would marry him ? Eva. Not unless he asked me, and then — Ida. And then — Eva. I should remember that he is considered a for- tune-hunter, that he is too fond of horses, that possibly he might have an eye on father's bank-book, that I don't want such a husband, and should very sweetly, calmly, but decidedly say, No, thank you, Mr. Dasher. Ida. Exactly what I should say to Mr. Kids, without the sweetness and calmness. Eva. I hope we shall not have the chance, for then, of course, we should lose their society — and they are such superb waltzers. Ida. But what in the world could have possessed mother to have us come so early. Hurry, girls, hurry ! And here we are before the hall is lighted. Eva. I'm sure I don't know. It's one of her whims. One would hardly think that, at her age, she would care for danciug. Ida. But she does. I caught her to-day attemptiug a waltz before the glass in her room ; and such work as she did make of it ! 218 THE BOSTON DIP. Eva. She's not very nimble with her weight of years and flesh, but she would come to-night, and without father, too. Ida. Catch him in such a place ! No doubt he's already snoring at home in his easy-chair, speculating on corner lots in his dreams. Eva. Better that than the old life, dragging a hand- cart through the streets, and shouting, *' Cod ! haddock ! halibut ! eel — eel — eel — eels ! " Ida. Why, Eva, don't speak of that ; and such a noise, too. Eva. Who cares. Everybody knows Avhat we once were, and I, for one, am not going to be ashamed of father's old occupation. lie has made money in an honest way : so let us have no false pride, Ida. " Cod ! haddock ! hali- but ! eel — eel — eel — eels ! " Enter Mrs. Mulligrub, c. Mrs. M. Well, I never ! Eva Mulligrub, I'm blush- ing with shame, petrified with mortification, and stunned with grief, to hear such words as those proceeding from your lips. I never heard such language before, never. Eva. Why, mother ! And I've heard father say those very words brought you to the window many a time when he passed ; that they were the bait by which you were caught, and that you were the best catch he ever made. Mrs. M. Fiddle-de-de ! That's his twaddle. We're above such language now. But come, girls, fix me np ! I'm all coming to pieces. Is that what's-its-name behind all right, and this thingumbob on my neck, and the what- THE BOSTON DIP. 219 you-may-call-it on top of my head? Dear me, I'm all in a pucker. Ida. Everything about your dress is charming, mother. Mrs. M. Well, I'm glad on't. Now girls, look here, I've made an assignment with Munseer What's-his-name to-night. Eva. A what? Ida. Assignment? You mean an appointment. Mrs. M Well, it's all the same. I'm going to learn to do that dipper thiug, if I die for it. Eva. I don't understand. Ida. She means The Boston Dip. Mrs. M. That's it — where you go tipping about, while the fiddlers play Struse's Beautiful Blue Dan-tt-by. Eva. You, mother, learn to waltz ! 3Irs. M. And why not? There's Mrs. What's-her- narae gets through it, and she's older and heavier than I. I'm going to learn it. What's the use of having money if you can't spin round like other folks. But don't say a word to your father. Bless me, how he would roar ! But he's safe at home, snoozing in his chair by this time. I've arranged it all. I've engaged this drawing-room for my own party, and when you're all dancing in the hall, Munseer A — A — what's-his-name will slip in here, and practice the waltz with me, and nobody will know any- thing about it until I'm deficient. Ida. Proficieut, mother. Mrs. 31. Well, what's the difference? It's all' ar- ranged. I'm not going to make a fool of myself before folks when I can pay for private lessons. 220 THE BOSTON DIP. Dasher appears^ c. Dasher (loud). Eureka! 3Irs. 31. (starting). Good gracious! You what? Dasher. " Fortune favors the brave." Like Cassar, I came. I saw, and I'm overcome. May I come in? 3Irs. 31. Certainly, Mr. Dasher. Your presence always adds a charm to our — what's-its-name — circular. Ida. Circle, mother. 3Irs. 31. Well, what's the odds? Dasher. Thank you, Mrs. Mulligrub. You are ar- rayed like an empress ; Miss Ida, your costume is only eclipsed by your charming face ; Miss Eva — Eva. " Last but not least in our dear love," must of course be divine ; so spare my blushes and your breath. (Sits on lounge^ r.) Dasher. Thank you. And now congratulate me. I threw down my pen, after a hard fight with figures, to seek the lonely recesses of my bachelor's quarters, hear- tily sick of life, when it suddenly occurred to me that this evening Monsieur Adonis gives one of his charming as- semblies. Perhaps, thought I, there I may find rest for my weary brain from the figures of the ledger, which are dancing in my head, in the figures of the dance. But did I dream of falling into such charming society? No ; most emphatically and decidedly, no. Therefore, like Caesar — 3Irs. 31. And pray, Mr. Dasher, who is this Csesar you're making such a fuss about? Ida. Why, mother ! 3Irs. 31. La, child, there's nobody of that name I'm acquainted with. BOSTON DIP. 221 Ida. You know, mother, Caesar was the great Roman general, who — Mrs. M. La, yes ; Mr. Dasher was only speaking metafrorically. CfBsar was the man who crossed the wliat's-its-name, and was stabbed by a brute. Eva. Never mind Csesar. Here's my card, Mr. Dasher. Of course your name will be the first I shall allow upon it. Dasher (sits on lounge beside Eva). Am I to be so highly honored. (Takes card.) Eva. For a waltz, and only one. 3Irs. 31. La, child, don't be so unscrupulous. You'll dance till you drop if you get a chance. Ida. Hush, mother. Mrs. M. Now what's the matter with you? Mr. What's-his-name will dance with you, too. Don't be so 'anxious. Ida. O, dear, was there ever such a torment. (^Sits on lounge., l.) Enter Kids, c. Kids (with glass to his eye). Now, weally ! Havel stumbled into the bodwaw of a bevy of enchanting god- desses ? — have I, weally ? Ida. O, Mr. Kids ! Eva. You have, weally, Mr. Kids. Dasher. Lavender, my boy, how are you ? Kids. And will the divine goddesses permit me to entaw, to disturb their tableaw of beauty with my horwid figgaw ? Eva. Yes, trot your horwid figgaw in, Mr. Kids. Mrs. M. Eva, I'm astonished at such language as those. Mr. Kids, we are delighted to see you. 222 THE BOSTON DIP. Ida. Yes, indeed, Mr. Kids. I've kept my card for you. Kids. Divine creachaw, you overpowaw me — you do, Aveally. {^Sits on lounge beside Ida, and takes her card.) Just one w^altz? Eva. As many as you please, Mr. Kids. 3Irs. M. Now that's what I call generous. I won- der where Mr. — no, Munseer — Adonis can be. {Re- tires up.) Eva. Mr. Dasher, how can you tell such falsehoods, when you know, that I know, that you know, we were to be here to-night. Dasher. What a knowing young lady. It's one of the frailties of masculine nature, Miss Eva. I'm glad I was not George Washington, for I should certainly have spoiled that hatchet story by a lie. Now I am here, dear Miss Eva, overpowered with the burden of a weighty secret, I am going to disclose it. I — I — Kids. I say, Dashaw, I've had my b wains surveyed to-day. Dasher. Have you ? I didn't know you had any. Kids. Yaas, several. Destwuctiveness, combativeness, idolitwy — Dasher. Ideality. Kids. Yaas, it's vewry wemarkable how those phwen- ological fellaws lay out your bwains, and name them just like — aw — stweets. Dasher {aside). They must have labeled some of yours "- No Thoroughfare." Eva. O, don't talk about brains, Mr. Kids. The discussion of such a subject might fly to your head. THE BOSTON DIP. 223 Dasher. And so light is the material there, cause a conflagration. Kids, Yaas, 5'aas, like a Mansard woof. And, Dashaw, I've got a diwectory of my bwains, and it's deiicedly clcvaw ; for if an ideah gets into my bwaius, I can trace it out in the diwectory, and tell just where it lies, you know, and know just where to find it. Deuced clevaw. Dasher (aside). 'Twould die of starvation before you found it. 3Irs. M. (comes down). Ah, here's Munseer Adonis at last ! Enter MoNSiEUR Adonis, r. Mons. A. Charmant, charmant., leedies and gentimen, I. kees your hands. You do me proud. I feel ze glow of satisfaction in ze inermost inside of zis bosom, when you do me ze grande honneur to grace my salon wiz your presence. I feel ze glow all ovar. 3Irs. 31. O, Munseer Adonis ! Eva. Politest of Frenchmen. Ida. Paragon of dancing-masters. 3Ions. A. Pardon me, charmant medmoiselles and adorable madam, if ze modest blush of shame paint my cheek wiz ze hues of ze roses. I am ze humble instru- ment of ze divine art which gives ze grace to ze figure, and ze airy lightness to ze beautiful toes of madam and ze charmant medmoiselles. Eva. Now, Munseer Adonis, we are all impatience. "When will the dance begin? 3lons. A. On ze instant. Ze company have assemble in ze grande salon. When madam and her friends make ze grande entree, zen will ze music strike ze signal. Ida. We are all ready. 224 THE BOSTON DIP. • Mrs. 31. Muuseer Adouis, one word with you. Mons. A. Wiz ze uttermost pleasure. Am I not ze slave of ze matchless madam {aside) and her money. {They retire tip stage, and converse.) Dasher. Miss Eva, I must have an interview with you this evening. I have much to say. Meet me liere in half an hour. Uva. Certainly. I'll slip away at the first opportu- nity. Dasher. Thank you. The first dance is mine, you remember. Kids. Aw, Miss Ida, I must speak with you alone ; I must, weally. There's something on ray bwain — no — on my bweast, that must be welieved. Don't go. Stay behind with me. Ida. And lose the first dance ? — No, indeed. Kids. Weally, I couldn't ask that. Coulda't you con- twive to meet me here alone ? Ida. At the first opportunity. I'll do my best. {Rises.) Eva, one moment. Eva {rises and comes, c). Well, dear? Ida. Don't you think, Mr. Kids wants me to meet him here alone. Kva. Does he? The same thought must have wan- dered into his bwain that crept into Mr. Dasher's, for he expects me to meet him here alone. Ida. Do you know what it all means? Eva. Certainly — proposals. Ida. And will you permit Mr. Dasher — Eva. No, indeed. Marry that fickle thing? Never! Ida. Exactly my mind. Mr. Kid's a fool. THE BOSTON DIP. 225 Eva. But, like Mr. Dasher, a splendid waltzer. We cannot afford to lose them. Ida. Indeed we cannot. Partners are so scarce. Eva. They want father's money. Ida.- But they must not have his daughters. Eva. No, indeed. You watch me, and I'll watch you, and there'll be no proposals. {Retire to R.'' and l. Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub come down stage.) 3Irs. 31. And you got my note, Munseer Adonis? Mons. A. Ah, madam, I have it next my heart. {Pro- duces an envelope^ opens it, takes out note^ puts envelope in his pocket. Beads.) " Meet me in the private drawing- room when ze company are waltzing. Do not fail me, Hannah Mulligrub." Zat is all it say. 3Irs. 31. But you know what it means. I am anxious to learn " The Boston Dip." Were I to come to your school I should be laughed at, but here, while the com- pany are waltzing, no one would know it, and the inspir- ing music would aid me. I don't want to make a fool of myself, you understand. 3dons. A. Certainly. All zat I shall remember. I have written on ze back of ze note " Boston Dip." I put bim in jlq pocket wiz my handkerchief, so zat when I pull him out to Avipe my face ze note will arrest my at- tention, and I shall fly to you, madam. {Puts note and handkerchief in his pocket.) Mrs. M. O, you Frenchmen are so inveterate. Dasher. Come, Monsieur Adonis, the dance, the dance ! I'm all impatience {aside to Eva) for its end. 15 22G THE BOSTON DIP. Kids. Weally, the delay is vexatious ; it is, weally. (^Aside to Ida.) Meet me here, you know. Mons. A. Pardon me, I am all impatience. Cliar- manty madam, shall I have ze pleasure. {Offers his arm to Mrs. Mulligrub.) Ze night is ver warm, ver .warm. (^Music, " Beautiful Blue Danube." Monsieur Adonis takes out his handkerchief. The note falls on stage. He wipes his face, passes out door, b,., followed by Dasher and Eva, Kids and Ida.) Enter Mulligrub, c. Mulligrub. So, so, here we are, Mrs. Mulligrub, un- expectedly, and no doubt unwelcome. You imagine the old codger snoozing away at home, but here he is, and wide awake too. It's about time the head of the house knew what is going on. And here's where the money goes. Well, who cares ? There's lots of it, so let it fly. But I've a wonderful curiosity to know how my Hannah carries herself among all these fine snobs, so I'm bound to have a peep. {Goes toiuards door, r. Sees note on carpet.) Hallo ! what's this? a billy-deux? {Picking it up.) Where's my specs? {Beads.) "Meet me " — ho, ho ! here's a nice little plot — {reads) — " in the private drawing-room " — that's here — {reads) — " while the company are waltzing. Do not fail me. Hannah Mulligrub." My wife ! Ye gods and little fishes ! my wife. " Do not fail me." Is this the reward of my generosity? My wife! What does it mean? Who is the scoundrel that is tampering with the aflfec- tious of Hannah, and the peace of Moses Mulligrub? {Turns note over.) " Boston Dip." Who's he? "Bos- THE BOSTON DIP. 227 ton Dip." There's a name. I've heard of the " Man- chester Pet," and the '' Dublin Baby," but the " Boston Dip," — confound him, let me get hold of him, and I'll Christen him with a dip that will drown him. Here's nice goings on ! A respectable wife, and a mother, too, making an appointment with au individual bearing such a name as that — '• Boston Dip." He shall not fail you, Mrs. M., but he must meet me too. I'll not stir from this place until I know what this means. This comes of letting women roam abroad when they should be kept at home. O, Mrs. MuUigrub ! if I don't cut down your pin money for this my name's not Moses Mulligrub. I'll not leave you a pin to stand on. {Takes chair; slams it doivn, c.) " Boston Dip." {Sits, and jumps up.) Gra- cious ! he must be a sparrer, and that's his fighting name. No matter, let him come on. {Sparring.) The old man's a little out of practice, but he's game. {Sits ; folds his arms.) If this little party does not end in a shindy, it won't be my fault. Dasher hacks in., r., loaving his handkerchief. Dasher. Does she mean to come? I cannot attract her attention. {Backs up still., waving his handkerchief.) Why don't she come? {Backs against Mulligrub's chair., sending it over, and Mulligrub on to the floor.) I beg your pardon. Mulligrub {picking himself up). Sir' Dasher. I really beg your pardon. Did you break anything? Mulligrub. No, sir ; but I shall presently break the- peace and your head. 228 THE BOSTON DIP. Dasher. I beg you won't do anything of the kind. It was an accident ; and besides, you are trespassing here. Mulligruh. O, I am ! And pray, sir, will you be kind enough to explain the meaning of that remark? Dasher. Certainly. This is Mrs. Mulligrub's private drawing-room, where none but her friends are allowed to enter. Mulligrub. Indeed ! {Aside.) This must be " Dip." {Aloud.) Well, sir, I am one of her friends — a partic- ular friend. Dasher. I see : an old friend of the family. You're just the man I want to see. Yes, sir, the moment I set eyes on you I said to myself, " There's a man who can serve me." MalUgruh. Indeed — {aside) with a broken head. Dasher. Yes, sir. You know old Mulligrub? Mulligruh {aside). Old Mulligrub ! {Aloud.) Inti- mately. Dasher. Good. I've never seen him, but people say he's immensely rich. What do you say? Will he cut up well? Mulligrub {aside). " Cut up ! " Confound his impu- dence. Dasher. I've particular reasons for wishing to know. I may say, I am very much attached to a member of his family, you understand. I'm not mercenary ; but you know times are hard, and to make a respectable show in society, have a nice house, a half dozen fast horses, and all that sort of thing, requires money. Now, what I -want to know is this, will the old man shell out? Mulligrub. Shell out? Look here, young man, for THE BOSTON DIP. 229 coolness you certainly would take the premium at the largest display of frozen wares in Alaska. If I don't answer your polite questions, it is because your audacity has so astounded me, that, hang me, if I know whether there is an old Mulligrub to " cut up " or " shell out " at all. (Aside.) It must certainly be " Dip." Dasher. O, you won't tell. Hush ! there's somebody coming — somebody who I am particularly anxious to meet alone, you understand. Just step out of that door ('pointing^ c), that's a good fellow. Mulligrub. Sir, I shall do nothing of the kind. Dasher. But you must — only for a moment, and then you shall return. {Pushes him hack.) Mulligruh. Sir, do you know who I am? Dasher. Certainly ; a friend, of the family ; and, as a friend of the family, when the time comes you shall know all. Now go, that's a good fellow. {Pushes him back to door, c.) Mulligrub. But, sir, I shall not. {Aside.) Stop. I'll watch. {Aloud.) Very well, sir ; as I seem to be in the way, I will retire. Dasher. I knew you would — you're such a good feilo-A'. Mulligrub. Good fellow ! {Aside.) Confound his .impudence. \_Exit, c. Dasher. Ha, ha ! Got rid of him. {Comes down stage. Mulligrub enters, c, and steps behind screen.) Now for a tender interview with Miss Eva, ending in a proposal, which I know she will accept. {Enter Eva, c.) I knew you would come. Eva. Because I promised. O, Mr. Dasher, that waltz was delightful. 230 THE BOSTON DIP. Dasher. Indeed ! I am glad you enjoyed it. If it gave you pleasure I should be satisfied, though my heart is heavy, and the waltz had little inspiration for me. Eva. Dear me, Mr. Dasher, you look as melancholy as an owl. What has gone wrong? Daslier. Nothing — everything — Miss Eva. I am on the verge of a precipice, a frightful precipice. (MuL- lighub's head appears above screen.) Mulligrub {aside). There's '*Dip" and — Eva, as I live ! Eva. I don't understand you, Mr. Dasher. Dasher, Upon the verge of a frightful precipice I tot- ter. Beneath me are the whitened bones of many a mor- tal. If I fall not a tear will be shed for me. • Mulligriib {aside). Nary a tear, young man. Dasher. 'Tis the valley of disappointed hopes. Mulligrub {aside). Dip's getting grave. Dasher. Into this must I fall, unless the succoring hand be stretched forth to me. Mulligrub {aside). The sucker ! Dasher. You, Miss Eva, you — admirable, divine, angelic — can stretch forth that hand to save Dasher from dashing himself into the valley. Eva. Mr. Dasher, have you been drinking? Dasher. Draughts of bliss from the fountain of love : basking in the sunshine of your presence. O, Miss Eva, will you save me ? Eva. Once again, Mr. Dasher, I tell you I do not un- derstand you. Mulligrub {aside). 'Twould puzzle a Dutchman. Dasher. Have I then been mistaken? have those little THE BOSTON DIP. 231 delicate attentions which I fondly imagined were gaining for me a corner on your heart — ah, I mean in your heart — been wasted on the desert air? MidUrjruh (aside). Dip's getting airy. Dasher. Oti the brink of a precipice I stand — Mulligrub (aside). On the rocks again, Dip. Dasher. Can you see me ru^h headlong to ruin, an- gelic Eva. Mulligruh (aside). Dip's getting high — Dasher. You are the star of my destiny ; you are the piize for which I strive, you are the divinity of my ador- ation. Here on my knees — • (Falls on his knees l. of Eva.) I swear nothing shall part us. Enter Ida, r., hurriedly. Ida. O, quick, quick, Eva ! I've got you such a partner ! He's all impatience. Quick ! the music is just about to commence. I wouldn't have you lose him for the world. Eva. But Ida — ■ Ida. Don't stop to talk. Come quick ! quick ! (Drags her off, R.) Mulligruh (aside). Ha, ha! Dip's left on the brink again. Dasher (jumping ujp). Confound that girl ! I've lost the chance. This comes of making a long story about a very short question. The precipice was a failure. I'll go and pump the friend of the family. (Exit, c. Mulli- grub comes from screen.) Mulligruh. That can't be Dip, after all. He's after Eva. But he can't have her. Thanks to his confiden- 232 THE BOSTON DIP. tial assurance, I can send him over the precipice into the valley of disappointed hopes in short order. Enter Kids, c. Kids. Now weallv, I saw Miss Ida enter this woom, positively saw her, atid now she's gone. Hallo ! an in- trndaw. Sir, I have not, the honow of your acquaintance. This woom is the wesort, the westing-placa of a bevy of divine goddesses. No masculine mortals are allowed to entaw here. lluUigruh. Show ! then you are not a masculine mor- tal, I take it. Kids. Sir, you are impertinent. I am — I am a par- ticular fwiend of tlie lady who is the lawful possessor of this wesort. MuUigrub (aside). Can this be Dip? (Aloud.) Sir, I am a particular friend of the lady in question, being the brother of her husband's brother. Kids. Weally, the bwover of her husband's bwover. Pon honow, that's a sort of cwoss-eyed welation. MuUigrub. What do you mean by that? Do you doubt my right to be here ? Kids. Hey? wight? — no, no. (Aside.) He must be a witch welation. (Aloud.) Do you know Mr. Mul- ligwub ? MuUigrub. Intimately. Kids. I say, would it be a good inwestment to wun away with a membaw of his family? MuUigrub (aside). It must be Dip. Shall I mash him? No, no, the proof first. (Aloud.) Splendid! Can I help you ? THE BOSTON DIP. 233 Kids. Well, I don't know. He's a wough specimen, and he so vulgaw. Sold fish in a handcart, too. I de- test fish, it's on such a low scale. Now isn't that good.'' It's owiginal, too. I don't like the odaw. Dreadful low people, but then, there's lots of money. Yaas, I think I will sacwafice myself. Mulligrub (aside). I'll sacrifice you, you monkey. (Aloud.) But tell me, who is the favored member of the family ? Kids. Hush ! somebody's coming. You must we- tire. Mulligruh. What, and lose the fun? No, I thank you. Kids. You must, weally. The lady is coming. It would shock her delicate nerves were you to be pwesent at the interview. So go, that's a dear fellah. {Pushes him hack^ o.) Mulligruh (aside). He calls me a good fellah. Shall I fell him on the spot? No, I'll wait; vengeance can afford to wait. Kids. Do wetire, and, when it's all ovaw, I will call you. (Pushes him bach, c.) Good fellah. Mulligruh. You'll call me when it's all over. (Aside.) I'll be on hand while it's going on. lExit, c. Kids. There, the bwover of the husband's bwover is excluded from the apartment of the wife of the bwover's husband — no, that ain't it, it's the bwover's wife's hus- band — no, or — (Mulligrub enters, c, and gets behind screen.) Here she comes, lovely as a poppy, because she's got a rich poppy. That's good — owiginal, too. 234 THE BOSTON DIP. Enter Ida, r. Ida. Here I am, Mr. Kids, to fulfill my promise. Kids. Yaas, Miss Ida, like the bounding fawu that — that — weally, I forget what the bouniliug fawn was doiug — O, weallj, bounding, of course. That's very good — isn't it? — owiginal, too. But where was the bounding fawn bound? that's the question. Ida. I wish I could answer your question, but, not being versed in natural history, I am unable to say. Kids. Weally. Well, never mind the fawn. Listen, O, listen ! I'm a miserable wetch, I am. Ida. Miserable? you? Kids. Yaas, weally. I'm standing — I'm standing, — where am I standing? — O, on the bwink of a howid pwecipice. Mulligrub (sticking his head above screen) . Hallo ! another brink, another precipice, and — Ida, as I live. Ida. La, Mr, Kids, what a dangerous position. Ilalligruh {aside). Kids ; then it's not Dip, that's certain. Kids. O, dweadful, dweadfuL But you can save me. Ida. How, Mr. Kids? Kids. That's the ideah. Miss Ida ; for when a fellah is on the bwink of such a pwecipice, as the pwecipice I am on the bwink of, the best way to save him is to push him ovaw. Ida. Well, that's certainly an original idea. Kids. Yaas, it is an owiginal, idea — mine, too — I found it in my bwain, with the help of the diwectory. When a fellah's on the bwink of matwimony, of course his safety and his happiness is secured by his being pushed into it. You see my ideah. THE BOSTON DIP. 235 Mulligruh (aside). Deuced clumsy one. Ida. But how can I help you? Kids. By pushing me ovaw. Miss Ida, you are be- witching, you are lovely, you are divine, and on my knees I ask you {falls on his knees l. of Ida) to give me a push. Mulligrub (aside). Confounded jackass. Ida. But, Mr. Kids, I don't understand. You're so — so — (Aside.) Where can Eva be ? (Aloud.) You say you are on the brink of a precipice. Kids. Howid, howid ; and if you consent to be — Enter Eva, r. Kva. Quick, quick, Ida ! mother's fainted. Ida. You don't mean it? Kva. Yes, yes, come quick ! What are you wait- ing for? Ida. But Mr. Kids is on the brink of a precipice. Eva. Let him stay there. Come with me. (Drags Eva off, R.) Mullifjruh (aside). Won't somebody be kind enough to remove that precipice? Kids (rising). Yaas, weally, that owiginal ideah will kill me, I know it will. I must go and bathe my head in Cologne, I must weally. Miss Ida didn't push well ; in fact, I don't believe she's fond of pushing fel- lah's ovaw, I don't, weally. \_Exil, c. 3IulUgrub (comes fronn behind screen). I don't think that's Dip — I don't, weally. Egad ! those girls of mine are determined not to be caught by chaff. I wonder if I can say as much for the old lady. I wish 236 THE BOSTON DIP. she would make her appearance. This must be the room. Ah, here she comes. Now for something in- teresting. {Bans beJiind screen.) E liter Mbs. Mulligrub, r. Mrs. 31. The fiddlers are tuning up for a waltz, and if Munseer Adonis is to keep his word now is the time. I wonder what Moses would say if he knew what I was about. But he can't know. He's safe at home, and there's certainly no harm in obtaining a graceful inquisition to my other accomplishments. (Music, Beautiful Blue Danube, soft and low.) There they go. O, isn't that splendid. ( Waltzes about stage in a very awkward manner.) Mulligrub {with head above screen). What's the mat- ter with Hannah? She's bobbing about the room like a turkey with's its head off. Enter Monsieur Adonis, r. Mons. A. Charmant, charmant ! {Music stops.) Madam, you are ze ecstasy of motion. You have ze grace of ze antelope, and ze step of ze fairy. Mrs. M. O, don't! You have come — Mons. A. Wiz ze " Boston Dip," as I have promise. Mulligrub {aside). " Boston Dip." That's him — the scoundrel ! Mrs. M. O, I'm so nervous. Mulligrub {aside). You ought to be, you hypocrite. Mons, M. Zar is not ze least occasion. We are here alone. Mulligrub {aside). Not quite. Dip, not quite. THE BOSTON DIP. 237 Mons. A. No one will dare to eater here. Zar is noae to look at you but I, and am I not discretion itself, madam? 3Ivs. 31. O, you are the soul of honor. Mu.U'ujrub [aside). Humbug! MoiiS. M. Now, zar is no time to lose. Permit me. (Takes her hand and leads her c.) MulUijruh {cLsidv). Dip's taking her hand. I shall choke ! Mons. A. Put your left hand in mine — p so. Mulligruh (aside). She obeys him. Ah, faithless Hannah ! lions. A. Zat is good. Do not tremble — zar is no danger. Mulligruh (aside). Don't be so sure of that. Mons. A. Now, my arm around your waist — so. 3Iulligruh (aside). O, perfidious Hannah! 3Ions. A. Now let your head drop upon ze collar of my coat. Ah, zat is good, zat is exquisite. ^lulligruh. She presses his collar, and my cholar is rising. I shall choke with rage. 3Ions. 31. All right. Now, one, two, three, and off we go. Mulligruh (pushing the screen over on to the floor. Dis- covered standing in a chair, with doubled flst). Stop! (Very loud.) 31rs, 31. Ah ! (Screams, and falls into MONSIEUR Adonis's arms.) 3Ions. A. Sacre ! Who calls so loud? 3Iulligruh. An injured husband. Mrs. 31. (jumping up). O, it's Moses I 238 THE BOSTON DIP. Mulligruh. Yes, it is Moses ! Moses the deluded ; Moses the deceived ; Moses the betrayed ; Moses oq the brink of a precipice. Mans. A. Moses! — Who be Moses? Mrs. M. My husband. Mons. A. Monsieur Mulligrub ! O, ze light break upon my head. Mulligrub (jumping down). Tremble, rascal ! You're discovered. Woman, begone ! O, Hannah ! can I •believe my.eyes. You — ^^you make an appointment with such a miserable, contemptible, saeaking cur as that? But I'll be revenged, rascal! (Takes Mon- sieur Adonis hij throat.) Bkister of peaceful families (shaJcing him), I'll have your life ! Mons. A. Help ! help ! I am choke all over too much ! Plelp ! help ! Mrs. M. O, Moses, spare him ! Mulligrub. Never ! I'll shake the life out of him. Rascal ! Mons. A. Help ! somebody, quick I Mulligrub. Scoundrel I Mons. A. Help 1 help I He squeeze my "windpipe all too much. Enter, r., Ida and Eva. ; c, Dasher and Kids. Eva. Father here? Ida. And fiorhtino:? Dasher. What is the meaning of this? Kids. Weally, a wow, a wiot, a wumpus ! Mulligrub. Meaning of it ! Look at this miserable wretch ! — this thing who answers to the name of "Boston Dip." THE BOSTON DIP. 239 All. "Boston Dip." 3Ions. A. Sar, you insult mc. My name is Mon- sieur Acliilles Adonis. Eva. And "Boston Dip" is the name given to the latest movement of the waltz. MulUgrich. What, not the name of an individual? Then, what is the meaning of that? {Shows note,) Mors. A. Zat is my note, monsieur. Mrs. M. Yes, w^-itted by me to Monsieur Adonis, asking him to give me a private lesson here. Eva. And father thought it a love aSiiir? O, father ! Ida. A man with the name of " Boston Dip ! " O, father ! Dasher. Friend of the family, you've made a mis- take. Kids. Yaas, dipped into the wong man. Now isn't that good — owiginal, too. MulUgrah {looks at each in a foolish manner, then takes Mrs. Mulligrub by the hand; leads her c, and kneels). Hannah, I'm on the brink of a frightful prec- ipice. I've made a fool of myself. Forgive me, and let's go home. 3Irs. M. I think you have, Moses. Dasher. There's not the least doubt of it. Kids. Yaas, Moses into the buU-wushes ! That's good — weally owiginal, too. Mulligrub {rising). Monsieur Adonis, I beg your pardon for my rudeness. I will make amends, ample reparation. Greenbacks shall shower upon your classic academy. To you, gentlemen, I need make no apolo- 240 THE BOSTON DIP. gies. You see tho old man has *' cut up," and per- haps may be made to " shell out." I don't think my girls will bo able to assist you on that precipice. With your permission, I will retire. Eva. Doa't go, father. Stay and enjoy yourself. Ida. And see us waltz. We have spleudid partners. Mons. A. Proficient in all ze elegancies of ze art. Mrs. 31. Moses, I'm ashamed of you. You're really proficient in the usages of fashionable depravity ; but I'll forgive you, and make you acquainted with my new flame, one which you so grievously mistook, my harm- less pet, '* The Boston Dip." (^Miisic, Beautiful Blue Danube. Mr. Mulligrub hows,, and retires up,, c. Waltz, Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub ; Dasher and Eva ; Kids and Ida.) CURTAIN. SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. "1 I>iainond cut 1>ianioiid. An In- terlude in One Act. By W.H.Mur- ray. 10 Male, 1 Female character. Liook. after Brown. A Farce in One Act. By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 Male, 1 Female character. Monseisneur. A Drama in Three Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, 3 Female characters. j A very pleasant Evening. A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male characters. Brother Ben. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters. Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 1 Female character. Gaspardo tlie Gondolier. A Drama in Three Acts. By George Almar. 10 Male, 2 Female charac- ters. Sunsliine tfiroughi the Clouds. A Drama in One Act, By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female char- acters. Bon't Judge by Appearances. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Mor- ton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. IVursey Chick-weed. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. ! Mary Moo; or, IVhich shall I Marry? A Farce in One Act. By I W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female character. Ii]ast liynne. A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. The Hidden Hand. A Drama in Five Acts. By Kobert .Jones. Itj Male, 7 Female cliaracters. Silverstone's ^Vager. ACommedi- etta in One Act. By K. R. Andrews, i 4 Male, 3 Female characters. Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5 Male, 2 Female characters. i Blanks and Prizes. A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 6 Male, 2 Female characters. ; Old Gooseberry. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 53. Who's Who. A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fe- male characters. 54. Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters. 55. The Wife's Secret. A Play in Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 10 Male, 2 Female characters. 50. The Babes in the Wood. A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female charac- ters. 57. Putkins : Heir to Castles in the Air. A Comic Drama in One Act. By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Fe- male characters. 58. An Ugly Customer. A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 59. Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female charac- ters. 60. A Boubtful Victory. A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female char- acters. (51. The Scarlet Iietter. A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female char- acters. 62. Which will have Him P A Vau- deville. 1 Male, 2 Female charac- ters. 63. Madam is Abed. A "Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female charac- ters. 64. The Anonymous Kiss. A Vaude- ville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 65. The Cleft Stick. A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female char- acters. (>6. A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor. A Farce in One Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 67. Give a Bog a Bad JVame. A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters. 68. Bamon and Pythias. A Farce. <■) Male, 4 Female characters. 69. A Husband to Order. A Serio- Comic Drarna in Two Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters. 70. Payable on Bemand. A Domes- tic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 Female character. Price, IS cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to CEO. M. BAKER & CO., QOC' CODOCXQQO t>Q Q'QOQ t>Q tXQ l ^j ' ^w 149 Washington St., Bostov. ^j^ A^r ' ".- ^ W ■ ' K.J ^-- ' ' -.^W ' ^U' L.'W L, ^^ '"^ Plays for Amateui 'JI^:?^::^'\ By GEORGE M. BAKER. Author of '^An,ateur Dra,„n.:' ■ /V -'^^'^ „^;';';^^^^.*;:"'' •''"^'" ' '"" ^'-' '""-"-'" ^■«''*- Titles in this Type are I\ew Plays. C7.V DHAMAS. In Three A cts. My Brotlier's Keeper. 5 male, 3 female characters '5 In Two Acts. Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female characters 5 Sylvia's Soldier. 3 male, 2 female char- acters '5 Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char- acters '5 Down by the Sea. 6 male, 3 female characters '5 Bread on the Waters. 5 male, 3 fe- male characters 5 The Last Loaf. 5 '"^le, 3 female char- acters '5 In One A ct. Stand BY the Flag. 5 male characters. 15 The Tempter. 3 male, i female charac. 15 COMEDIES and PAHCES. The Boston Dip. 4 male, 3 female characters The l>uchess of I>ublin. 6 mak-, 4 female characters We'ke all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 female characters A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female characters Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 4 male, 3 female characters A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- male characters Male Cluiracters Only. Cientlenien of the Jriry. 12 char. A Tentler Attachment. 7 char. . . The Thief of Time. 6 char. . . . The Hypochondriac. 5 char. . . A Public Benefactor. 6 char. . . The Runaways. 4 char Coals of Fire. 6 char Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. . . . A Sea ok Troubles. 8 char FAaCES. Fkekdom ok the Press. 8 char. ... 15 A Close Shave. 6 char 15 The Great Elixir. 9 char 15 The Man with the Demijohn. 4char. 15 Humors ok the Strike. 8 char. ... 15 New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . • 15 My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. ... 15 Female Characters Only. The Red Chignon. 6 char 15 Using the Weed. 7 char. .... 15 A t,o\^e of a Bonnet. 5 char. ... 15 A Precious Pickle. 6 char 15 The Greatest Plague in Life. 8cha. 15 No Cure, no Pay. 7 char 15 The Grecian Bend. 7 char. 15 ALLEGOHIES. A rrauged for JSIusic and Tableaux. The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female characters ^ . . i Lightheart's Pilgrimage. 8 female characters ' The War ok the Roses. 8 female char- acters The Sculptor's Triumph, i male, 4 fe- male characters ^5 MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. The Seven Ages. A Tableau En- tertainment. Numerous male and fe- male characters "^^ Too Late for the Train. 2 male char- acters ^5 Snow hound ; or. Alonzo the Brave and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, i female character. 25 Bonbons : or, The Paint-King. 3 male, I female character 25 The Peulek of Very Nice. 7 male characters ^5 An Original Idea. i male, 1 female character ^5 Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet Restored. 3 male, i female character. 15 TEMPKMAyCE riECES. The Last Loak. 5 male, 3 female characters The Tempter. 3 male, i female character We're all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 female characters. A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female characters. A Little Moke Cider. 5 male, 3 female character! Thk Man with the Di'Mijohn. 4 charaitv^i LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 015 785 392 2^ HoUinger Corp. pH 8.5