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SOCIALS 
 
SOCIALS 
 
 y 
 
 EFFIE W. MERRIMAN 
 
 Author of "Pards," "A Queer Family" and "The Little Millers.' 
 Editor of The Housekeeper. 
 
 CHICAGO: 
 CHARLES H. SERGEL & COMPANY 
 
 V v 
 

 ( opyiight, 1891, by Charle6 H. Sergel & C<X 
 
SOCIALS 
 
 Socials form one of the commonest means 
 by which different societies seek to raise money. 
 Complaint is made that people are less charita- 
 bly inclined, less public-spirited, than they 
 used to be ; that every season they become 
 more exacting as to the amount of amusement 
 furnished for the money, and that they are 
 not easily induced to twice patronize the same 
 thing. 
 
 A church needs furnishing, a poor family 
 needs assistance, a new organ is wanted, a 
 school-library is to be started, a temperance 
 society lacks necessary funds, a hospital calls 
 for assistance ; and every one has so many 
 cares that these calls hardly receive a thought. 
 
 Then the ladies, who have more charity than 
 money, put their shoulders to the wheel and 
 propose to solve the difficulty by getting up 
 an entertainment that shall coax the pennies 
 from those who care less for charity than for 
 their own comfort. This condition of affairs 
 
 5 
 
6 SOCIALS 
 
 has been of long standing, and best known 
 forms of entertainments have been worn thread- 
 bare ; consequently, from all over the country 
 arises the cry : "What can we get up that 
 shall be new and entertaining?" In reply, and 
 also to help those whose hearts are larger than 
 their pocket-books, the following suggestions 
 have been written. 
 
 To make the social entertaining, the charac- 
 ter of those who are to form the audience must 
 be taken into consideration. A "Shakespearean 
 Carnival" is delightful, but would be called 
 stupid by one who had never read Shakespeare. 
 "An evening with Browning" is enjoyed by 
 many, but those who have read and studied all 
 day do not care to pay for the privilege of 
 continuing study in the evening ; they want to 
 be amused and will be more likely to spend 
 their money where they can have a good time 
 without much mental effort. Societies which 
 have a reputation for giving amusing enter- 
 tainments are sure to be well patronized. 
 
 One of the most necessary elements of amuse- 
 ment is surprise.- The leader who would make 
 her social successful should be ingenious, not 
 afraid to make strange innovations on estab- 
 lished customs, and able to keep a secret. 
 Curiosity is strong in human nature. No one 
 
SOCIALS 7 
 
 but those who take part should know anything 
 about the entertainment except the name. 
 
 If it is proposed to hold a series of socials, 
 none of them should be very long. There is 
 nothing more fatal than a tedious program. 
 Make it short, do not allow it to drag. If 
 the company go home feeling that they would 
 like to have stayed another hour, they will look 
 forward with interest to the next one. 
 
 Every social should have a leader, whose 
 business it is to see that the company is not 
 left to take care of itself. The leader must 
 start games. Before the evening arrives, she 
 must have decided upon the games to be intro- 
 duced, so that there may be no "awful pauses." 
 If there is to be a literary program, she must 
 see that it is not too long. It is not necessary 
 to display all the talent in the neighborhood 
 the first night. A person with any regard for 
 comfort will not go a second time to a place 
 where he has once been made nearly wild by 
 the seemingly endless attractions which custom 
 forbade his fleeing from. 
 
 If it is decided to have a sort of fair, offering 
 articles for sale, do not charge twice what they 
 are worth, and do not resort to the principle 
 or lack of principle of the lottery. Dishonorable 
 means are never successful in the long run. 
 People object to having their money extorted 
 
8 SOCIALS 
 
 from them by unfair means, and it is a wonder 
 that some of the methods employed by certain 
 societies for raising money were not objected 
 to long before they were. 
 
 It is not difficult to get articles donated for 
 such socials as we have under consideration, 
 and they should be sold only at a fair price. 
 If care were taken to offer more useful and 
 fewer fancy articles, more sales would be made, 
 and the aggregate profit increased. 
 
 In the wholesale denunciation of lotteries, 
 measures for raising money have sometimes 
 been included which really could not be called 
 unfair. Suppose, for instance, that a quilt 
 were to be disposed of. Tickets are issued and 
 every one is exhorted to buy one, with the 
 thought that his ticket may contain the lucky 
 number and thus he will get a quilt worth several 
 dollars for the low price of twenty-five cents. 
 That is a lottery. But there is another way to 
 dispose of that quilt which is perfectly fair, 
 and that is by vote. Good-natured rivalry is 
 always a great help to a plan of this sort. Do 
 not make the mistake of asking too much for 
 the privilege of voting. People know just 
 what they are paying their money for, and it is 
 legitimate business, and far more amusing, and 
 in the end more profitable, than the lottery 
 schemes, 
 
SOCIALS 9 
 
 The writer knows of an instance where a 
 ridiculous-looking calico cradle-quilt helped a 
 society to many dollars. It had been pieced 
 by the pupils in the country school during the 
 noon hour. Each of them had a few calico 
 scraps, and the cost of the quilt was really 
 nothing. 
 
 "What shall be done with it?" asked the 
 ladies who were getting up the entertainment. 
 
 They disliked to hurt the feelings of the 
 children who had given it, but it really seemed 
 worth very little. One suggested a w T ay of 
 disposing of it. Two popular young men 
 were selected, one of the neighborhood in 
 which the fair was held, and one of an adjoin- 
 ing neighborhood. The quilt was to be given 
 to the young man who was voted to be the 
 most popular. The adjoining neighborhood 
 was notified, and entered with spirit into the 
 good-natured contest. The young men in 
 question pleaded their cause ingeniously, and 
 that cradle-quilt proved to be the stimulus to 
 one of the most profitable evenings the society 
 had ever known, and a very pleasant one to all 
 concerned. 
 
 It is necessary that the leader know some- 
 thing of the company likely to be present. 
 Sonietimes people with money are inclined to 
 rule because of it, and make themselves obnox- 
 
io SOCIALS 
 
 ious. If trouble of that sort is feared, it may 
 be obviated by limiting the number of votes, 
 allowing no one to vote more than the number 
 of times agreed upon. Less money may be 
 secured in that way, but that will be better 
 than to have the extra sum with "ill feelings." 
 
 There are many sociables which are given 
 more for the sake of sociability than as a means 
 of raising money. They take place at stated 
 intervals. A small sum is usually charged for 
 admission, including supper, and no devices 
 are used for raising money during the evening. 
 The supper should be contributed, and the 
 amusements be such as might be chosen for 
 any social gathering. Among this class of 
 socials may be mentioned the Cap Social, 
 Basket Social, Necktie and Apron Social, 
 Bouquet Social, etc. 
 
 Brief descriptions may be necessary here, 
 since there may be some to whom even these 
 most common entertainments are new, and to 
 whom the ease with which they are gotten up 
 will be a consideration. 
 
 For the Cap Social, the ladies each make 
 two caps exactly alike, one of which they keep, 
 the other being given to the ticket seller. 
 When the young man pays his admission fee, 
 he receives a cap, which he must put on. The 
 fee charged is enough for two in every instance, 
 
SOCIALS ii 
 
 whether he escorts a lady or not. Ladies do 
 not pay, the task of getting the supper and 
 making the caps being considered their share. 
 The lady, who must not have told what sort of 
 cap she has made, dons hers as soon as she enters 
 the room, and when the young man finds the 
 mate to his cap, he claims the wearer's company 
 for the evening. The Bouquet Social is on 
 the same plan. 
 
 For the Basket Social, each lady puts into 
 a basket a dainty little lunch for two, and tucks 
 her card under the napkin which covers it. 
 When the young man pays his admission fee, 
 or, what is better in this instance, when he pays 
 for his supper, he receives a basket, the con- 
 tents of which he must share with the owner 
 of the card within it. 
 
 At the Necktie and Apron Social, the gentle- 
 man receives a necktie when he pays his 
 admission fee, which he must put on at once, 
 and go in search of a lady having an apron to 
 match. These aprons are all made, except 
 hemming. Needles and thread are in readiness, 
 and the gentlemen are required to hem the 
 aprons. When the work is done, the ladies 
 decide by vote which gentleman's work is best, 
 and he then receives a prize for it. In this 
 case, the more comical the prize is, the better. 
 A pumpkin pie, baked in the largest dripping- 
 
12 SOCIALS 
 
 pan in the neighborhood, is usually hailed with 
 delight, and so is a popcorn ball as large as a 
 water-pail. 
 
 Socials of this sort may be multiplied in- 
 definitely. It would be possible to have one 
 every week during the winter and not repeat, 
 but they would be so nearly alike that they 
 would become tiresome. For this reason, a 
 few socials will be described, which, though 
 requiring more work , will be found far more 
 amusing. Some of them have been described 
 before, although they are given, here, with 
 variations that make them more amusing. 
 Many of them were originated by the author, 
 who promises that, if they are carried out in 
 the right spirit, and gotten up by an energetic 
 manager, they will certainly be found worth 
 trying. 
 
 One more suggestion : In a society where 
 there are several ladies capable of managing, 
 each should have an evening assigned her, and 
 each will be so anxious to have her social the 
 best, that all will be good. 
 
SOCIALS 13 
 
 C SOCIAL. 
 
 This social gets its name from the manner 
 of serving the refreshments. The menu is 
 printed on big letter C's, each dish having a 
 price attached. Supposing, for instance, that 
 the menu reads : "Chopped Chicken, Charming 
 Compound, Country Cousins' Comfort, Com- 
 mon Cereal, Churned Cream, Creature Cheer, 
 Chinese Cordial, Crystal Choice, Choice 
 Chiller, Candee Corn, Concealed Cream, Cake;" 
 translated it would read : "Chicken salad, potato 
 salad, sandwiches, bread, butter, coffee, tea, 
 water, lemonade, popcorn, ice cream, cake. " 
 
 The idea is to have everything on the bill 
 of fare begin with the letter C, and to disguise 
 as much as possible. It is a good idea to put 
 toothpicks, sour milk and other delicacies on 
 the menu, having them disguised, also. It is 
 fun to see the look of surprise which will steal 
 over an individual's face when he discovers 
 "that he has ordered and paid for what he did 
 not want at all. 
 
 Different letters of the alphabet may be used 
 and similar socials gotten up. Games must be 
 played at these socials, beginning with the 
 
i 4 SOCTALS 
 
 letter which has been decided upon. At a C 
 social, for instance, charades will be in order, 
 at a B social, "blind man's buff, " or some game 
 beginning with B. 
 
 When the guest pays for his ticket of admis- 
 sion, he is allowed to put his hand in a box 
 held high over his head and draw a ticket out. 
 It will'consist of a letter C, cut from paper 
 and peculiarly marked. There must not be 
 two C's in the box which are alike, but letters 
 exactly like those in the box will be worn by 
 the ladies in the room. Then the gentleman 
 must find the lady wearing a letter correspond- 
 ing to that which he drew, and act as her 
 escort during the evening. 
 
 A CRAZY SOCIAL. 
 
 This is quite easily arranged, and may be 
 made very funny. It should be gotten up by 
 those who are ingenious, and no one should 
 know what sort of entertainment to expect. 
 Both ladies and gentlemen take part . in it, 
 and dress in the craziest manner imaginable. 
 It is better if they dress so that it is difficult to 
 distinguish sexes. They must be careful, 
 
SOCIALS 15 
 
 during the whole evening, or before refresh- 
 ments are served, not to speak intelligently or 
 intelligibly. Those who cannot make use of 
 the foreign languages or dialects, should be 
 careful to break off in the middle of every 
 sentence, beginning on something else of an 
 entirely different nature. 
 
 The crazy people repair to the hall at an 
 early hcur, and prepare to receive the guests 
 as they enter. The more crazy people there are 
 crowding around a guest and welcoming him 
 in all manner of outlandish gibberish, the more 
 honored he should feel! 
 
 When it is certain that all the guests have 
 arrived, a sane director must inform the crowd 
 that .the lunatics wish to entertain them with 
 a few tableaux. A stage should be prepared 
 with crazy quilt curtains. The same director 
 stands before the curtain and announces the 
 subject of the tableaux, which should consist 
 of crazy representations of well-known subjects. 
 For instance: "The sleeping beauty," should 
 be an ugly looking old man with a big stomach 
 and a red night-cap, nodding in an arm chair. 
 "True love" should be a middle-aged married 
 couple of unprepossessing appearance, menacing 
 each other with poker and broomstick. "Jewels" 
 should be represented by a cross-looking 
 mother, surrounded by a number of children 
 
16 SOCIALS 
 
 of all sizes, and regarding them in a manner 
 not indicative of a great amount of love. "The 
 old, old story," should be represented by a 
 green-looking country boy, making love to a 
 frowzy-headed maiden. Both should be bare- 
 foot and dressed in the poorest of country 
 style. 
 
 Have enough of these tableaux to make part 
 of the evening pass pleasantly, but not enough 
 to be tiresome. After the tableaux, serve re- 
 freshments. These should be served in the 
 craziest manner imaginable, by the crazy 
 people. Begin by passing toothpicks, for 
 instance. Serve pickles in coffee-cups, and 
 coffee in bottles. Buy a new dustpan in which 
 to pile sandwiches, and have everything as 
 unexpected as possible. 
 
 The admission tickets should include refresh- 
 ments. 
 
 THE HOLIDAYS. 
 
 Divide the room in which this entertainment 
 is to be held into four large booths, which 
 must be decorated to represent spring, summer, 
 autumn and winter. These booths can be 
 
SOCIALS 17 
 
 separated from the rest of the room and from 
 each other by sheets arranged in graceful folds. 
 It is a good plan to have a booth in each 
 corner of the room, and they may be easily 
 arranged in that way by hanging curtains from 
 long poles, fastened across the corners. 
 
 In spring, there is but one holiday — 
 Memorial Day. Trim this booth with flags, 
 spring flowers and crape. Have little girls 
 dressed to represent the spring months, stand- 
 ing by a table on which are glasses, and pitchers 
 of sweet milk, which they sell for five cents a 
 glass. They must also have tiny bouquets of 
 violets and other flowers for sale, if they can 
 possibly be procured. Soldiers should also be 
 in attendance at this booth, with ladies dressed 
 in white, with graceful draperies of flags and 
 crape. They are to offer for sale sheet-music, 
 which has been decorated and donated, and all 
 sorts of funny articles, representing musical 
 instruments, and of beautiful articles found 
 useful by musical people. 
 
 Summer has also one holiday — the Fourth 
 of July. All the bunting that can be begged 
 or borrowed for the occasion should be dis- 
 played here. A few hundred of fire-crackers 
 for sale would make it more realistic, and 
 would not come amiss to the boys at any season. 
 
18 SOCIALS 
 
 If there are not many ladies in the society, 
 this booth may be taken charge of only by 
 Columbia ; but, if there are a number to be 
 made useful, Columbia should be assisted by 
 five ladies,representing the Northern, Southern, 
 Eastern, Western and Middle States. These 
 ladies must act and be dressed to represent 
 the peculiarities of the region which they 
 represent. In this booth, ice cream, confec- 
 tionery, lemonade and cake should be sold. 
 
 In autumn we have Thanksgiving Day. This 
 booth should be decorated with autumn leaves, 
 dried grasses, pressed ferns, wheat, oats, corn, 
 sumach, golden-rod and various farm products. 
 
 An entire family, grandfather, grandmother, 
 wife, husband, grown-up daughter and son, 
 and younger son may preside here. This 
 should be a very busy booth. All sorts of 
 useful things may be for sale — pies, nuts, 
 fruits, cake, everything which the enterprising 
 members of the society can get contributed. 
 
 There should also be aprons, ironing and 
 stove holders, and many such useful things 
 for sale here. 
 
 The great trouble with fairs of this sort is 
 that fancy articles only are offered for sale, and 
 few people can afford to buy such things at 
 the exorbitant prices which are usually charged, 
 even when they knew that the money is to be 
 
SOCIALS 19 
 
 used for the most charitable of purposes. 
 
 Winter is decorated with evergreen and 
 bitter-sweet on the whitest of draperies. In this 
 booth Christmas, New Year's and Washington's 
 birthday are to be represented, so it must be 
 ver}' large. 
 
 Three men are dressed to represent Santa 
 Claus, Father Time and Washington. Santa 
 Claus and his wife have a Christmas tree from 
 which bags of candy, fruit and all sorts of 
 fancy articles are sold. Father and Mother 
 Time sell tiny scythes, hour-glasses, fancy 
 calendars, birthday cards and book-marks, 
 decorated appropriately. 
 
 George and Martha Washington sell such 
 edibles as have not been provided for at the 
 other tables ; for the fun of this fair is that the 
 guests must get their supper by traveling from 
 booth to booth. 
 
 A small entrance fee should be charged, for 
 this fair entails so much work, and is so attrac- 
 tive that it is worth paying to see by those 
 who do not care to purchase many of the 
 commodities offered. 
 
20 SOCIALS 
 
 THE WEEK. 
 
 This entertainment has been tried a number 
 of times and always so successfully that it is 
 worthy of a place here. It is especially 
 adapted to societies having little money and 
 time to devote to such things. 
 
 Six booths are arranged around the sides of 
 the room, one for each work-day of the week. 
 Monday's booth contains washtubs, clothes- 
 pins, etc., and Monday's girls, dressed in 
 washerwomen's suits, sell clothes-pin bags, 
 kitchen aprons, and soap, if they can get it 
 contributed. A Chinaman, assisting about the 
 washing, will be an attraction if some one can 
 be found who can act the part well. 
 
 Tuesday is ironing day, and the booth must 
 be arranged with that in mind. Tuesday's 
 girls wear long white aprons and white caps, 
 and are assisted by a burly negress. They sell 
 ironing holders, bosom boards, long white 
 ironing aprons, caps, and toy flat-irons gilded 
 and painted for paper-weights. 
 
 Wednesday is mending day. The booth is 
 trimmed to represent a mending bureau, and is 
 presided over by girls dressed to represent 
 
SOCIALS • 21 
 
 feeble grandmothers. All around the booth are 
 hung appropriate mottoes, advertising the fact 
 that mending is done here in the most approved 
 style. A souvenir is in full view which is to 
 be given to the old lady who receives the most 
 votes from the admiring public, who pay five 
 cents for the privilege of voting. Each of the 
 grandmothers must be busily engaged in 
 mending, while the little old man who receives 
 money for the votes tells of the good qualities 
 of each. 
 
 Thursday is reception day. The booth must 
 represent an elegant parlor or reception-room, 
 and be presided over by two or three ladies in 
 handsome evening costumes. One or two 
 young men are present, dressed as darky 
 waiters, and if the guests wish refreshments 
 enough to pay for them, the waiters help the 
 elegant ladies to supply them with chocolate, 
 ice cream and lemonade. 
 
 Friday is sweeping and dusting day. Neat 
 handmaids are busy cleaning up, and also 
 waiting on customers who want dusters, dust- 
 bags and dusting caps, etc. A big ragbag 
 hangs at one side of the front of the booth, 
 which is filled with trifles that have been made 
 for the purpose, and by paying a certain sum 
 any one is allowed to reach in and take one 
 article. 
 
22 SOCIALS 
 
 Saturday is devoted to baking and churning, 
 and fat cooks are busy at work. It adds to the 
 interest to have a gasoline stove in this room, 
 so that the customers can be provided with 
 hot coffee and biscuits. Cold meats, dough- 
 nuts, buttermilk, ginger-bread, tarts, etc. 
 should also be furnished. 
 
 This style of serving refreshments is less 
 trouble than when tables are set, and is usually 
 more remunerative The evening may be 
 ended with a literary entertainment. 
 
 PINK TEA, BROWN TEA, ETC. 
 
 Socials of this sort are very easily arranged, 
 and are quite common. However, since they 
 may be new to some, a short description of 
 them will not be out of place here. If a pink 
 tea is decided upon, trim the room with pink, 
 have pink lamp-shades, pink tableclothes, pink 
 calico napkins, pink lemonade, ice cream and 
 cake, pink flowers on the table, and several 
 pretty girls for waiters, dressed in pink calico 
 dresses. The decorations must always accord 
 with the name of the social. At the conclusion 
 of the meal place the waiters behind a curtain, 
 
SOCIALS 23 
 
 with only their feet in view, and auctioneer 
 them off to charitably inclined young men, who 
 will buy a supper for them. A good auctioneer 
 will get a great deal of fun out of this part of 
 the entertainment. Before the successful 
 bidder is introduced to the lady of his choice, 
 he must tell whom he imagines he has secured, 
 and if he fails to guess correctly, he must pay 
 a fine of five cents. If, however, his guess is 
 correct, the lady must pay the fine. Another 
 amusing plan, is for him to have her weighed, 
 on scales provided for the purpose, and pay one 
 cent for every pound over one hundred. When 
 a gentleman has bid on a pair of small feet, he 
 is often surprised to find out what an expensive 
 bargain he thus secured. 
 
 PHANTOM SOCIAL. 
 
 This social, if well carried out, furnishes a 
 great deal of amusement. The room in which it 
 is held is draped in white, and the lamps are 
 covered with white shades lined with blue, which 
 throw a ghastly light around the room. Solemn 
 music should be heard as if at a distance. Ghosts 
 in long, white robes and masks flit noiselessly 
 
24 SOCIALS 
 
 around the room, attending to the wants of the 
 guests, but speaking no word, except an occa- 
 sional "sh-h-h !" when there is too much noise. 
 When one ghost begins "sh-h-h," all the rest 
 must join in. 
 
 Each ghost is marked with a letter pasted to 
 the tall, white head-dress just above the eyes. 
 The guests pay five cents for the privilege of 
 guessing the names of the wearers of the different 
 letters, and the ghost who best conceals his iden- 
 tity is presented with a gift which has been pro- 
 vided for the purpose. 
 
 The best way to conduct the guessing is as fol- 
 lows: Provide long strips of cardboard, and 
 head each strip with one of the letters worn by 
 the ghost. The guesser pays his money to the 
 "card tender," and writes the name of the person 
 who, he thinks, is wearing the letter. If it be 
 thought best to keep the guesses a secret until 
 the last, put the letters at the bottom of the 
 cardboard or strips of paper, and write the name 
 at the top, doubling the paper over as soon as 
 the name is written, so that it cannot be seen by 
 the next guesser. 
 
 A. letter-box is also provided and any one, by 
 paying postage, may receive a letter from one of 
 the ghosts, or send one to a favorite by addressing 
 it to the letter worn on the head-dress. Stationery 
 must be for sale, since no one will come prepared 
 
SOCIALS 25 
 
 to write a letter; the guests are to know no more 
 about what sort of an entertainment they may 
 expect than is indicated by the name "Phantom 
 Social." 
 
 The table should be set with plain white dish- 
 es and ornamented with white flowers. Frosted 
 cakes, frosted pies, dainty, white sandwiches, 
 made with white meat, glasses of milk, Boston 
 crackers, frosted cookies, and ice-cream, may be 
 provided, and should be served as unexpectedly 
 as possible by the ghosts who silently wait upon 
 the guests. When the refreshments have been 
 served the company is informed by the manager, 
 who has been previously instructed, that the 
 ghosts will hold a seance, and that they wish 
 everybody to keep perfectly quiet. 
 
 The medium has the most difficult part in the 
 social, and should study it well before the even- 
 ing arrives when he is to play it. 
 
 A cabinet is arranged in imitation of those 
 used by spiritualists, and the room is made still 
 more ghostly. A little bell is tapped, and a 
 ghost appears who goes through some outland- 
 ish motions which the medium is supposed to in- 
 terpret with perfect ease, and which he after- 
 wards translates for the benefit of the audience. 
 It is evident that the more absurd the statements 
 made by the medium, the better they will be re- 
 ceived. The ghosts may act parts at this time 
 
26 SOCIALS 
 
 with very good success. A man dressed in long 
 white robes and singing in a whisper, while as- 
 suming the attitude of a prima donna, is as com- 
 ical as it may be misleading. During the seance 
 the ghosts must endeavor to conceal their iden- 
 tity, for after it, the company will be sure that 
 they can guess correctly, and the guessing will 
 be livelier than before. 
 
 When interest declines the ghosts may unmask, 
 and the entertainment be ended. 
 
 MOTHER GOOSE SOCIAL. 
 
 To have this social a success it is necessary 
 that some of the members of the society be mu- 
 sically inclined. Select the tallest one, who will 
 probably be a man, for Mother Goose, and dress 
 him up as that lady is usually represented in the 
 children's picture books. Mother Goose will 
 have charge of the whole entertainment. The 
 guests will be received at the door by "Old 
 Mother Hubbard," "Jack Spratt," "Old King 
 Cole," and other well known characters and sol- 
 emnly conducted to Mother Goose, who sits on 
 a throne at the farther end of the room near the 
 stage, and receives them with becoming dignity. 
 
SOCIALS 27 
 
 When the guests are all admitted and have 
 had an opportunity for social discourse, Mother 
 Goose calls them to order. She must hold in 
 her hand a staff made to represent a huge quill 
 pen. The stage director must be out of sight of 
 the audience but where he can easily see Mother 
 Goose. She waves her wand or pen and seems 
 to be writing in the air for a moment, then calls: 
 
 "Old Mother Hubbard, I wish to see thee." 
 Immediately the curtain rises and the singers are 
 seen standing at the back of the stage. They 
 sing the words of "Old Mother Hubbard," which 
 have been set to operatic music, and as they sing 
 the old lady and her dog perform in pantomime 
 on the stage in front of the singers. With a lit- 
 tle trouble a dog can be trained to do wonder- 
 fully well, but a boy dressed to represent a dog 
 will make quite as much if not more fun. 
 
 One who has never heard Mother Goose 
 rhymes sung to operatic music can have no idea 
 how entertaining they can be made. Such vari- 
 ations may be introduced as will show the best 
 points in each of the different voices. Care must 
 be used to have the music of a style that will best 
 fit the words, or it will not be effective. Well known 
 operatic tunes may be used, and words of the 
 rhyme repeated if necessary to fill in the measure. 
 Madrigals may be procured at leading book- 
 stores at a trifling cost which will be useful to 
 
28 SOCIALS 
 
 those not inventive enough to arrange their own 
 music. 
 
 It is not necessary to serve refreshments with 
 an entertainment of this sort, as it will be in itself 
 well worth as high a price of admission as is wise 
 to charge in most localities. If a society boasts 
 no singers, Mother Goose tableaux are nearly if 
 not quite as effective. 
 
 OLD GRIMES' PLASTER O' PARIS 
 FIGGERS. 
 
 The entertainment suggested by this title is 
 one of the best for the purpose of raising money. 
 It can usually be given a second or third time 
 with profit, and can be made entertaining though 
 there may be but few to take part in it. It is 
 similar to "Madam Jarley's wax- works," which, 
 however, have become so common now that they 
 no longer attract a crowd. 
 
 Make a little platform, with strong casters 
 under it, for the "figger" to stand on. It should 
 roll easily. The person who is to be the "Ag- 
 ger" called for steps on it, stands stiffly, and is 
 rolled to the front of the stage. The "riggers" 
 not on the stage should be concealed behind a 
 curtain, where they can make necessary changes 
 
SOCIALS 29 
 
 in costume, if they are to be seen in more than 
 one character. 
 
 Old Grimes should be a comical old fellow, 
 capable of saying funny things in a most serious 
 manner. His speech should be written and 
 committed to memory. He should have an 
 assistant resembling a gawky boy just from the 
 untutored districts, whose awkwardness can 
 hardly be equalled. His duty is to wheel out 
 the figure called for and to twist its arms, head, 
 fingers and body into the proper positions. Old 
 Grimes should not make too long a speech about 
 the figure before him, as it would be tiring not 
 only to the one taking the part but also to the 
 audience. The more local hits he can introduce 
 without being coarse, the better. He might 
 begin something in this style: 
 
 "Ladies and gentlemen: It is not necessary 
 for me to thank you for your presence here this 
 evening, since you are here for your own good. 
 You are uncultured, uncivilized and savage. At 
 present, you know nothing of art. Your minds 
 are as innocent of all knowledge on that subject 
 as a baby's is of the rules of base ball, or as my 
 good man Friday's is of anything but art. That 
 boy (pointing to his assistant, who must look as 
 awkward and idiotic as possible) was brought up 
 on art. He has eaten it, drunk it, slept with it. 
 There is nothing else in which he has taken the 
 
3o SOCIALS 
 
 slightest interest. He knows nothing else. He 
 is art itself, and when you leave this room, 
 ladies and gentlemen, you will be more like him 
 —much more like him than you are now. It is 
 a change greatly to be desired. Too long have 
 you lived in ignorance; too long have you been 
 blinded to the beauties of nature; too long — but 
 I look into your unappreciative faces, and the 
 words die on my tongue. 
 
 "Friday! roll the old soldier this way. This 
 man (bowing to the figure of the old soldier who 
 has been rolled toward him), was one of a rare 
 species, and it would make a long book were I 
 to write my adventures when I set out to cap- 
 ture him. He is an old soldier who died trying 
 to get a pension. Twenty- two of the best years 
 of his life were bravely spent in the effort. No 
 stone was left unturned. Six doctors were em- 
 ployed, each of whom declared that he was suf- 
 fering from a disease contracted in the army, 
 and each doctor was thoughtful enough to men- 
 tion a different disease. Lawyers offered their 
 services, were refused, and charged bloated fees 
 for heeding the refusal. The friends of this man 
 are sure that if he had lived a few years longer he 
 would have been successful in his life-work and 
 got at least ten dollars a month as a reward for 
 his efforts. His plea was that he ought to 
 have the pension because he deserved it more 
 
SOCIALS 31 
 
 than other old soldiers did. He nearly died in 
 the army. His substitute was killed instantly 
 while trying to get behind a tree. Friday! take 
 him away, and lean him up against the picture 
 of the pension office where he will feel at home, 
 then bring out the lady book-agent. 
 
 "This, ladies and gentlemen, was one of the 
 most exasperating of that most exasperating 
 class of humanity — female book-agents. She 
 was a terror to all who met her, and the man who 
 succeeded in evading her, hugged himself with 
 pure delight and innocently hoped that his enemy 
 might not be so successful. Look at that cheek! 
 There is no money that would induce me to strike 
 it without well-padded knuckles, unless I felt char- 
 itably inclined and wanted to give w T ork to my 
 brother, the surgeon, who is an orphan and has 
 only me to practice on. There is brass in that 
 cheek, ladies and gentlemen; that is what caused 
 her death. A highway robber wanted it, that he 
 might fit himself out for a real estate agent. 
 Take her away, Friday, and bring in the man 
 who always asked, 'How does this weather suit 
 you?' 
 
 "Ladies and gentlemen, is there one among 
 you who has not seen a specimen like this? Look 
 at his eyes, turned vacantly toward you! Fri- 
 day, turn the screw in his back a little more; his 
 eyes are rolled too high. The man who wants 
 
32 SOCIALS 
 
 to know how this weather suits you, never looks 
 in the sky to see what to-morrow will bring forth. 
 He doesn't care. His conversation is so cut that 
 it will fit to-morrow's weather quite as well as 
 to-day's. I've wanted to kill this man a great 
 many times, especially when the thermometer 
 was up in the nineties or forty below zero; or 
 when there was a smart shower and I had on my 
 best hat, and my neighbor had my umbrella; or 
 when there was a strong wind and I had a con- 
 tract to escort a two-hundred-pound woman 
 along a slippery sidewalk. This man died of 
 a sunstroke. His curiosity had impelled him to 
 stand for hours in the blazing sun, to find 
 out if others suffered with the heat as much as 
 he did. His last words were, 'How does this — 
 friends, put me on ice!' Friday, put him in the 
 ice-box again, and bring out the girl who died 
 chewing gum." 
 
 It will not be necessary to give more of Old 
 Grimes' talk, since the above is sufficient to show 
 how easily it may be written and committed. Do 
 not be afraid to be silly. There are few -audiences 
 that do not appreciate just such nonsense occa- 
 sionally. 
 
 The number of characters which may be rep- 
 resented need be limited only by the time to be 
 filled, for they are endless. "The Politician," 
 "Dame Grundy," "Dame Fashion," "The man 
 
SOCIALS 33 
 
 who never fell in love/' The girl who never had 
 a chance to marry/' "The woman suffragist/' 
 any character which can be dressed to look the 
 part and of which something ridiculous can be 
 said will do. 
 
 Much of the fun is made by "Friday," who 
 must be always busy bending the figures into sat- 
 isfactory positions, and by the figures themselves 
 who are very obedient. It will take a little prac- 
 tice to bend an arm as stiffly as if made of wood, 
 and hold it in the exact position in which it is 
 placed, but it can be done so as to prove mirth- 
 provoking to the most solemn audience. 
 
 THE AUTHOR'S SOCIAL. 
 
 The author's social requires considerable pre- 
 paration, but is very entertaining, not only to 
 those who wish simply to be amused, but to 
 those who prefer to have a little instruction with 
 their amusement. 
 
 A stage should be arranged and the company 
 shown to seats as soon as they arrive. A few 
 well-known authors should be personated by the 
 people in the neighborhood. Dickens, Tenny- 
 son, Longfellow, Mark Twain, Bill Nye, Josiah 
 
34 SOCIALS 
 
 Allen's wife, Amelia Rives, and Elizabeth 
 Stuart Phelps, would make a good company. 
 
 When the curtain rises the company must see 
 these notable people sitting on the stage, which 
 is arranged to represent a parlor, engaged in 
 conversation. The actors must make themselves 
 up to look as nearly as possible like the authors 
 whom they personate, and they must know 
 enough of them to make use of some of their 
 most interesting characteristics. The dialogue 
 should be prepared and committed to memory. 
 This may seem a difficult task to many, but it 
 is not if begun aright. 
 
 First, decide upon the authors to be person- 
 ated and then assign the parts. Time is then al- 
 lowed for study, and a meeting appointed to take 
 place at the end of that time. 
 
 During the interval for study each reads, care- 
 full)', the biography or all the items he can find 
 of the author whom he is to personate, making 
 a note of everything that seems to be of interest. 
 When the meeting takes place, there will be 
 found ten times as much material as can be used, 
 and then the work is to select and arrange. 
 
 If there is a funny incident in the life of one 
 author, another tells it as a good joke on him. If 
 one has acted in a heroic manner, he modestly 
 leaves the room on some pretense, and it is told 
 of him. This can be made more real by some 
 
SOCIALS 35 
 
 one criticizing him sharply when he steps out, 
 and another defending him and telling the heroic 
 incident by way of proof. If possible, the criti- 
 cism should come from the author who in life 
 would have been most likely to be unkindly criti- 
 cal, and the defense from the one who was known 
 as charitable. 
 
 In such a company as has been mentioned, for 
 instance, "Amelia Rives" would tell the senti- 
 mental stories, ' 'Dickens" those which were pathe- 
 tic, while "Bill Nye" or "Mark Twain" would 
 be supposed to best enjoy the jokes. 
 
 If there are any good readers among the "au- 
 thors," the rest of them should be very anxious 
 to hear them read something which they have 
 written, and a song or two may be introduced in 
 the same way. 
 
 Make the conversations natural and lively, and 
 learn them well. It will require a number of 
 rehearsals, but will pay for the trouble. 
 
 Those most interested in getting up this social 
 must consider whether their audience will be 
 likely to be composed of people who will best 
 enjoy a whole evening devoted to the authors, or 
 whether a shorter time will be sufficient. In the 
 latter case, have simple refreshments, followed 
 by general conversation or games. 
 
 Do not think because the literary entertain- 
 ment is good and ought to be liked, that it must 
 
36 SOCIALS 
 
 and shall be. If you are in doubt, make the 
 audience slightly acquainted with "the authors" 
 the first evening, and then lead off in games pre- 
 viously decided upon. If they want more of 
 "the authors'" you will soon know it, and you 
 can gratify them at the next social. 
 
 QUAKER SOCIAL. 
 
 It is of the utmost importance that nothing 
 but the name be known until the evening on 
 which this social takes place. Tickets must be 
 printed for it, bearing the word "Silence !" on 
 one side, and on the other, "Who speaks or 
 laughs aloud before refreshments must pay a fine 
 of five cents." 
 
 Not more than half a dozen persons should 
 take part in arranging this social, and these have 
 the privilege of talking all they please, and 
 should do all in their power to make the com- 
 pany laugh or talk aloud. They must carry a 
 bell and a little silk bag around with them. 
 When they have succeeded in outwitting a vic- 
 tim, they call attention to the fact by ringing the 
 bell; then collect the fine and drop it into the 
 bag. . The more grotesque their attire, the bet- 
 ter they will succeed. 
 
SOCIALS 37 
 
 They may ask questions of the different mem- 
 bers of the company, who have a right to answer 
 in a whisper, but who will find it very difficult 
 to carry on a long conversation in that way with 
 one who is talking aloud. Try it at home, and 
 see for yourself how hard it is, and how very 
 ridiculous. A crowd of whispering people, who 
 are vainly trying to keep from laughing aloud, 
 will tempt the risibilities of the most sedate, es- 
 pecially if he is trying to whisper replies to a 
 questioner whose appearance alone is enough to 
 excite laughter. 
 
 The silence may be broken just before serving 
 refreshments, or not until they have been cleared 
 away, as the leader decides, 
 
 TOYLAND SOCIAL, 
 
 In this social the little folks play an important 
 part, which makes it all the more attractive to 
 many. The room in which it is to be held is 
 divided into booths, each presided over by one 
 or more children. One booth bears over the 
 arched doorway the words <:The Dolls' Palace,." 
 in letters of evergreen on a white ground. It con- 
 tains dolls of all sizes and kinds, and in all sorts 
 
38 SOCIALS 
 
 of conditions. Every little girl in the neighbor- 
 hood must lend her doll, dressed in its prettiest 
 costume, with its name plainly written on one side 
 of a card, which is fastened around its neck, and 
 its mamma's name on the other side. These dolls 
 should be grouped as picturesque^ as possible. 
 A representation of the old woman who lived in a 
 shoe will dispose of a number of them. A group 
 composed of a mamma-doll, with her children 
 and their nurse, may be made very attractive. A 
 lovely little picnic scene may be made by placing 
 a mirror in the center of a large flat box filled 
 with sand to represent a lake, with bushes around 
 it to look like trees. Put a little boat on the 
 lake with two dolls in it. Other dolls should be 
 seated around a picnic table, or reclining under 
 the trees. Some must be swinging in hammocks 
 or in swings made of heavy cord. It is surpris- 
 ing how pretty such a scene as this may be made. 
 Then there must be a Bluebeard's closet with 
 the dolls hanging close together, and the new 
 wife looking in at them. Some of the dolls should 
 be arranged in a series of pictures illustrating 
 the story of Cinderella. 
 
 Besides the dolls on exhibition, there should 
 be a table filled with dolls' costumes for sale, 
 and one young lady doll with a trunk full of 
 clothes to* be given to the little girl in the room 
 who receives the most votes. Knitted dolls and 
 
SOCIALS 39 
 
 large rag dolls nearly always sell well at such 
 places, and cost little more than the time required 
 to make and dress them; and there are usually 
 many benevolent ladies who would like to help 
 in such enterprises but have little money and who 
 would be glad to make something salable. 
 
 Another booth may be devoted to toy animals, 
 and should be presided over by little boys.' 
 These animals may be arranged quite as artisti- 
 cally as the dolls. Have some of the domestic 
 animals tied under straw sheds. A "Noah's 
 Ark" will naturally suggest itself, and many shab- 
 by looking animals may be looking out of the 
 windows, or gathered around the door. 
 
 Another quite different picture is to have a 
 white cloth arranged like a circus tent with the 
 sides rolled up, and the animals placed as if 
 going through a grand march underneath it. 
 This booth should be guarded by large animals, 
 one on either side of the entrance. Over the 
 entrance have the inscription, "Home for Ani- 
 mals." 
 
 A table should be filled with toy animals for 
 sale, and a rocking-horse or some other toy may 
 be given to the boy in the room receiving the 
 most votes. 
 
 There should be two other booths, each pre- 
 sided over by both boys and girls. One should 
 be devoted to cupboards, tables, wagons, scroll- 
 
4 o SOCIALS 
 
 saws, and all sorts of furnishings for a house, 
 farm or workshop. On a table have articles 
 which the children have made without help. 
 Prizes should be awarded the makers of the two 
 articles receiving the most votes as showing the 
 greatest amount of skill and ingenuity. 
 
 The other booth should contain miscellaneous 
 toys, and other miscellaneous toys should be for 
 sale. Prizes may or may not be given here. 
 
 Little children, dressed as picturesquely as 
 possible, should serve refreshments, and must 
 be carefully trained beforehand. 
 
 This is a very old entertainment, but it can be 
 given once in every neighborhood most success- 
 fully. 
 
 A DICKENS SOCIAL, 
 
 This social requires a great deal of preparation 
 and should not be undertaken unless the leader 
 is a lover of Dickens and well acquainted with 
 his works. The entire evening should be given 
 to the entertainment; refreshments are not nec- 
 essary. An admission fee should be charged, 
 and the company seated as soon as they arrive. 
 To make this successful, quite a number of per- 
 
SOCIALS 41 
 
 sons must take part in it. When the curtain 
 rises all the characters should begin a slow march 
 around the stage, singing as they go. The char- 
 acters represented should be those which are 
 best known. When the opening song is fin- 
 ished, they may all leave the stage at once, or a 
 part may leave and a few remain as a support to 
 the one who is to entertain the audience for the 
 time. The latter method is the best, when the 
 actor is not sufficiently skillful to amuse the 
 crowd alone. Suppose, for instance, that after 
 the song the entertainment is to begin with a 
 recitation by "Little Nell." While she is recit- 
 ing her part Micawber, at the back of the stage, 
 may be busy at the blackboard, writing 
 "From 
 "The 
 
 "Beggared Outcast, 
 "Wilkins Micawber." 
 Or he may seat himself comfortably in an arm 
 chair, "settle his chin in his shirt collar/' take 
 the twins on his lap and appear to be enjoying 
 an animated conversation with Copperfield, 
 while Mrs. Micawber hovers near, alternately 
 weeping on her husband's neck and smiling at 
 Copperfield. In a few moments the Micawber 
 family should make a characteristic exit, and 
 then Dora may appear with her dog. She seats 
 herself on Copperfield's knee and insists (in pan- 
 
42 SOCIALS 
 
 tomime) on his kissing the dog; then, while he 
 endeavors to cast up a column of figures in a lit- 
 tle note-book, she makes marks down his nose with 
 a lead pencil. 
 
 No word should be spoken by the parties on 
 the back of the stage while the recitation is in 
 progress. As soon as it is concluded, the grand- 
 father should come in and lead Little Nell off 
 the stage. Then Dora and Copperfield should 
 enter into a natural conversation. It would be 
 delightful just here to have Traddles enter the 
 room, and then the three could enact the supper 
 scene, where Dora informs her husband tbat she 
 has bought a barrel of oysters, because the man 
 said they were very good. The scene after Trad- 
 dles takes his departure should also be enacted. 
 Then, arm in arm, Dora and Copperfield leave 
 the stage at one end as some other well-known 
 character, Pickwick, for instance, or Gradgrind, 
 comes on at the opposite end. 
 
 To make this social successful, only the best 
 known characters should be personated and the 
 scenes between the characters should not be so 
 long as to be tiresome. When there are recita- 
 tions with tableaux at the end of the stage, the 
 characters from the different tableaux should 
 always be from the same story, and of such a 
 kind that they do not divert the attention of the 
 audience too much from the speaker. 
 
SOCIALS 43 
 
 The recitations should be resorted to only as a 
 sort of link between the short dialogues. The 
 curtain should not fall during the evening, and 
 at no time should all of the characters be off the 
 stage. 
 
 Another way to get up a Dickens social is to 
 personate only the characters in one story during 
 an evening. The entertainment should consist 
 of a succession of dialogues and tableaux. When 
 the dialogue is finished, a good reader imme- 
 diately begins reading the scene which is to be 
 represented in the tableau which is being ar- 
 ranged behind the curtain. Of course these tab- 
 leaux and dialogues must follow the order of the 
 story. 
 
 If there are a few who are musically inclined, 
 the entertainment may close with a farce. Vers- 
 es which will fit some popular tune should be 
 written in a style to introduce the singer to the 
 audience. For instance, a large man, dressed 
 in a short white dress and sunbonnet, should 
 sing a verse informing the audience that he is 
 "Little Nell.'' If he acts his part well, nothing 
 could be more mirth-provoking. Pickwick might 
 be represented by a schoolboy with patched trous- 
 ers, gingham apron, and bare feet. There may 
 be as many verses to the song as there are sing- 
 ers in the society. All should stand on the stage 
 together, and after every verse join in a rollick- 
 
44 SOCIALS 
 
 ing chorus. The audience will be interested in 
 trying to guess by what names the different in- 
 dividuals before them will introduce themselves. 
 
 MUM SOCIAL. 
 
 The expression "quiet as a mum social" is 
 common, but should you ask those who make 
 use of it to describe the "mum social," few of 
 them would be able to comply, and perhaps not 
 one in a hundred could get one up. If success- 
 fully carried through, they are very enjoyable. 
 There are many ways of planning such a social, 
 but the method given below, though not well 
 known, has been so successful that it should be 
 given wider circulation. 
 
 From the time the company enters the room, 
 not a word should be spoken until refreshments 
 are served. The only method of expression that 
 can be allowed is by pantomime, and every time 
 an individual breaks this rule he must pay a fine 
 of five cents. He also pays for his admission 
 ticket, which includes refreshments. 
 
 To make the time pass pleasantly before the 
 hour for refreshments, a stage is provided on 
 which certain persons are required to make a 
 
SOCIALS 45 
 
 speech in pantomime. A large bulletin board at 
 one end of the stage contains the ^program. 
 There is to be no curtain before the stage, for all 
 preparations are to be seen by the audience. A 
 table in the center of the stage holds a large 
 bell. 
 
 Suppose that the first number of the program 
 calls for a speech on war, by "Gen. Grant Har- 
 ris." The young man who gives the lecture 
 steps forward on the stage and rings the bell, to 
 call the attention of the audience; then he pro- 
 ceeds with his "lecture," which of course must 
 have been well practiced in private. If he dis- 
 covers that he needs swords, clothing or any- 
 thing, he must bring them all on the stage with 
 him, and lay them where they will be convenient. 
 It will amuse the audience to try to guess what 
 he means to do with them. For instance, he 
 may first be the peaceful citizen, sitting in his 
 comfortable arm chair, wearing dressing-gown, 
 slippers, and smoking-cap, and smoking while he 
 lazily reads a newspaper. Suddenly, his face 
 changes expression; he sits bolt upright, and 
 with his mouth half-open gazes intently at the 
 paper for a moment; then turns it around, and 
 the audience reads in large letters "War with 
 England ! ! Recruits wanted." 
 
 He gets up, throws off his dressing-gown and 
 puts on his coat; then strides swiftly to the other 
 
46 SOCIALS 
 
 side of the stage, where he seems to be talking 
 earnestly. Then he pulls off his coat, puts on a 
 soldier-coat and cap, picks up a musket and 
 knapsack and starts for the war, passing the 
 chair in the center of the stage where he first sat 
 and over which he has thrown his dressing-gown. 
 La}dng this aside, he spreads over the chair a 
 woman's dress, a shawl, and sunbonnet. Then 
 comes a very affecting scene, as the soldier bids 
 good-bye to loved ones at home. Next he 
 marches to the back of the stage, discharges his 
 musket a few times in quick succession, and falls 
 wounded. After lying a moment he drags him- 
 self home, with a piece of flag tied around his 
 wounded leg and one coat-sleeve empty. This may 
 end the picture, or it may be carried out by the 
 soldier at the pension office. Then the actor 
 picks up his traps and leaves the stage. 
 
 The audience are not required to be seated 
 during this performance. Better not be, for the 
 silent lecturers do not follow each other in quick 
 succession. The company is given opportunity 
 between times for pantomimic gossiping, and 
 need not turn its attention to the stage until 
 warned by the ringing of the bell that another 
 lecture is to be given. 
 
 The funnier these lectures can be made the 
 better; for the object is not only to amuse but 
 
SOCIALS 47 
 
 to provoke some among them to laugh aloud, or 
 to speak, that they may be fined. 
 
 Among the many good subjects for lectures are: 
 "Politics," "The Girl in Love," "The Boy in 
 Love," "Jealousy," "Woman's Rights," and 
 "Looking Backward." 
 
 Do not allow the lecturer to have any assist- 
 ants; if more than one person is on the stage the 
 entertainment would be a pantomimic show, in- 
 stead of a lecture, and the audience would lose 
 the fun of watching a man or woman trying to 
 make a speech without saying a word. # 
 
 LAW SOCIAL. 
 
 This social is very easily arranged, requiring 
 little time and study and no expenditure of money, 
 unless for refreshments. It is so amusing that 
 it may be repeated often with profit. Several 
 days before the evening on which it is to be 
 held, announcements something as follows should 
 be placed where they will attract attention. 
 
 " Take Notice." 
 
 "Next Friday evening, Mr. Foxyface will be 
 tried before Judge Know-it-all for stealing a cam- 
 
48 SOCIALS 
 
 brie needle from Miss Dainty Fingers. Friends 
 of both parties are invited to be present, and 
 each should bring thirty cents which will pay for 
 admission and refreshments, as well as for the 
 privilege of listening to the eloquent lawyers, 
 Mr. Long-tongue, attorney for the State, and 
 Mr. Gas, attorney for defendant." 
 
 The social will be more successful if the man- 
 agers know how to keep a secret. No one should 
 be allowed to know the real names of the par- 
 ties, and all will be curious to find out who take 
 ihe different parts. The sillier the cause of dis- 
 pute, the more fun it will make. The witnesses 
 should be chosen from the crowd, as the an- 
 swers which have not been studied are usually 
 the most mirth-provoking. There is no commu- 
 nity but boasts at least one citizen who has some 
 knowledge of law business and can give even 
 unskilled "attorneys" enough pointers to enable 
 them to conduct a law suit in a manner entirely 
 satisfactory to the audience. 
 
 A few directions may assist those who have 
 seldom seen a court room. 
 
 A very high desk should be provided for the 
 judge, who of course will be dressed in a long 
 gown, and have a gavel in his hand with which 
 to pound the desk when he wishes to call the 
 meeting to order. A table is provided for the 
 attorneys, who sit opposite each other, with 
 
SOCIALS 49 
 
 their clients near them. The Judge -calls the 
 
 case by saying, for instance: "State of 
 
 against Dr. L. Foxyface." The indictment is 
 read by the Clerk. This indictment may be 
 made very funny, if there is some one in the 
 community having a little ingenuity, but is good 
 if copied directly from a law book. 
 
 After the indictment is read, the prisoner is 
 asked whether he pleads guilty or not guilty, 
 then the prosecuting attorney arises and in a 
 shoit speech tells what he expects to prove 
 against the defendant. Next he calls one of his 
 witnesses, and questions him, wording his ques- 
 tions in such a way as to draw out such answers 
 as will help his side. There will be a great deal 
 of fun in this, as the witnesses do not know until 
 called upon that they are to take any part in the 
 affair, and are quite likely to answer in a way to 
 greatly embarrass the one whom they are sup- 
 posed to help. As soon as the attorney says he 
 is through with a witness, the other attorney 
 cross-examines him. 
 
 When the prosecuting attorney has exhausted 
 his list of witnesses, the attorney for the defend- 
 ant makes a little speech giving his views of the 
 case and telling what he expects to prove, and 
 then calls the witnesses for the defense. It is 
 best to limit the number of witnesses, and to 
 have a list of them before the trial begins. 
 
50 SOCIALS 
 
 When all the witnesses have been examined, 
 the attorneys make short speeches, and the 
 Judge announces his decision in a funny little 
 speech. Then refreshments are served. If the 
 trial is quite long and interesting, it is a good 
 plan to serve the refreshments as soon as the 
 prosecuting attorney is through with his wit- 
 nesses, continuing the law suit afterwards. 
 
 FASHION SOCIAL. 
 
 This is a very good entertainment for societies 
 whose members possess a little wealth and leis- 
 ure, and the means of obtaining correct ideas of 
 the different styles of dress for men and women 
 as far back as desirable. A stage must be pro- 
 vided for the performance but there will be no 
 need of curtains. The guests are seated as soon 
 as they enter the room. At the appointed time 
 the manager calls them to order, and the lady 
 and gentleman who are dressed in the most 
 ancient style come upon the stage. The mana- 
 ger introduces them by mentioning the most 
 noteworthy of the years during which their style 
 of dress was popular; for instance: "Ladies and 
 gentlemen, allow me to introduce Fourteen-hun- 
 dred-ninety-two and lady." 
 
SOCIALS 51 
 
 The couple bow to the audience, then the gen- 
 tleman seats his companion near the front of the 
 stage, and they enter into conversation. This 
 conversation must previously have been written, 
 committed to memory and rehearsed, and so 
 arranged as to give a good idea of the most 
 important events of the period represented. The 
 conversations should be as different in stvle as 
 possible. One of the gentlemen may be a brag- 
 gart, and assume that he did all the great things 
 while some rival did the meaner ones, and it will 
 be very funny if he gives this rival the name of 
 one well Known in the audience as his intimate 
 friend. 
 
 Another gentleman may be proposing marri- 
 age to his companion, and pretend to hope to 
 win her consent by telling her of the great things 
 done by her family. Discoveries, battles, inven : 
 tions, important books written, great pictures 
 painted, — everything of that sort may be men- 
 tioned, and the narrator need not hesitate to rep- 
 resent himself as doing the deeds done by many 
 different men, in many different countries. All 
 he has to do is to say: "When I was in Spain, 
 I did so and so;" or, "While my father was dis- 
 covering America, my brother was," etc. 
 
 It does not require great literary ability to 
 write a very good conversation when one has de- 
 cided upon the facts which he wishes to make 
 
52 SOCIALS 
 
 use of. The lady mentions the achievements of 
 women, and may also tell of some of the difficul- 
 ties by which she is surrounded. 
 
 The more original these short dialogues are 
 the better they will be appreciated. As soon as 
 one couple has finished speaking they will walk 
 to the back of the stage where they sit to listen 
 to the conversation of the next couple. All the 
 ab surdities of the fashions of the dates as se- 
 lected should be made use of, and even the style 
 of dressing the hair should be faithfully repre- 
 sented. 
 
 When all are on the stage, they should march 
 slowly around a few times that their costumes 
 may be examined, and comparisons made be- 
 tween to-day and the long line of yesterdays; 
 then the actors leave the stage and serve refresh- 
 ments, after which there is a little social chat be- 
 fore breaking up. 
 
 CONUNDRUM SOCIAL. 
 
 For this social two boxes are provided,— one 
 containing conundrums, the other answers to 
 them, all of which are plainly written on cards, 
 or on strips of paper. When a gentleman en- 
 
SOCIALS 53 
 
 ters the room, he draws a card from the box of 
 answers. The gentleman must then find the lady 
 who holds the answer to his conundrum, and pay 
 for her supper. The delightful part of this ar- 
 rangement is that in his search he is obliged to 
 enter into conversation with many different ladies, 
 and as all the other gentlemen in the room are 
 similarly engaged the scene at once become ani- 
 mated, and there is no trace of that stiffness 
 which makes many sociables anything but socia- 
 ble. 
 
 A copy of the conundrums with their answers 
 should be in the hands of the manager, and to 
 her the gentleman must escort the lady who, he 
 thinks, holds the answer to his conundrum. If 
 his search has been successful he has nothing 
 more to do but to devote himself to his com- 
 panion; if unsuccessful he must pay to the man- 
 ager a fine of five cents, excuse himself and con- 
 tinue his search. 
 
 The conundrums should not be too difficult; 
 but there is more fun as well as more profit to be 
 derived from them if there are several answers 
 which would seem to fit the same conundrum. 
 
 The manager must be careful to put no conun- 
 drum in one box which does not have an answer 
 in the other box. Such a course might prove 
 amusing for a time, but is really unfair, and 
 therefore objectionable. Not having means of 
 
54 SOCIALS 
 
 knowing how many will be present at the social, 
 she will be likely to have more conundrums than 
 are used, and answers will be drawn while the 
 conundrums still remain in the box and vice 
 versa. The manager must obviate this difficul- 
 ty, when she has reason to believe there will be 
 few more arrivals, by making exchanges with the 
 gentlemen holding the conundrum, the answer of 
 which still remains in the box. By referring to her 
 copy, and calling for the gentlemen holding such 
 and such conundrums, this can be easily done. 
 If the crowd contains more of one sex than of 
 the other, these unfortunate, companionless per- 
 sons are known as "Daisies," and are consoled 
 for their sad fate by having special favors heaped 
 upon them. A "daisy tea" is provided for them 
 on a special table decorated with daisies, and 
 spread with dainties that the other table does not 
 have. They wear the daisy, and after supper 
 have the privilege of selecting whom they wish 
 among the crowd for a partner in the first game, 
 or for a special tete-a-tete if games are not 
 played, and the rightful partner can offer no ob- 
 jections. 
 
 When refreshments are partaken of, and be- 
 fore rising from the table, more conundrums are 
 indulged in, in the place of after dinner speeches. 
 When the refreshments are served each gentle- 
 men must be given a slip of paper on which a 
 
SOCIALS 55 
 
 question is written, and each lady a slip contain- 
 ing an answer. These answers do not neces- 
 sarily belong to any question asked, and the more 
 absurd both question and answer, the better. 
 The gentleman asks the question given him and 
 the lady on his right answers by reading from 
 her slip of paper. If any one laughs aloud, he 
 is punished in some way previously agreed upon. 
 A very good punishment is to make the victim 
 take a teaspoonful of strong boneset tea. 
 
 This social may be varied in a community of 
 readers, by writing a well known quotation on a 
 card, instead of a conundrum, and writing the 
 author's name on the card held by the lady. It 
 is astonishing how many fines will have to be 
 paid by well-read persons. This is also a most 
 delightful entertainment for a lady to give her 
 friends, provided, of course, that they can ap- 
 preciate it. Partners for refreshments are se- 
 lected in this way but no fines charged for mis- 
 takes in assigning a quotation to the wrong 
 author. Dainty menus must be provided, each 
 headed with a different quotation which is sup- 
 posed to be specially written for the person to 
 whom the menu is given. These are read aloud, 
 and if well selected afford much amusement. 
 
56 SOCIALS 
 
 POPCORN SOCIAL. 
 
 Try a popcorn social when you are too tired 
 to get up anything more pretentious. Get the 
 young people interested, charge a moderate ad- 
 mission fee, and if you have planned wisely and 
 well before the evening on which the social is to 
 be held then there will be no further effort 
 required except such as is needed to break the 
 ice and to superintend the cleaning of the hall 
 the next day. 
 
 At a popcorn social every one is requested to 
 wear old clothes and a dusting cap. Such a 
 social is really nothing more than one of the 
 "good old times" that father and mother tell 
 about having in the kitchen when their young 
 friends came to see them, except that some wor- 
 thy object may be benefitted. 
 
 Plenty of popcorn must be provided, and two 
 or three corn poppers. If there is no stove in 
 the room, borrow a gasoline stove. Popcorn 
 balls, molasses candy and peanut candy may also 
 be furnished during the evening. No other 
 refreshments will be necessary. The older peo- 
 ple will be foolish if they do not take part in the 
 
SOCIALS 57 
 
 social, and will be much harder to please than 
 they usually are if they do riot go home feeling 
 that they have had their money's worth. 
 
 LEAF SOCIAL. 
 
 A very attractive entertainment called the 
 "Leaf Social" was given by the young people of 
 a little town as a means of raising money for 
 new books for their library. 
 
 Leaves were cut from green cambric, to repre- 
 sent those of different forest trees and garden 
 plants. There were two of each kind. One was 
 given by the doorkeeper to each lady on entering 
 the room, and its mate was put into a large box. 
 When the company had arrived, the leaves in 
 the box were shaken and sold to the gentlemen, 
 who paid twenty-five cents, then drew a leaf from 
 the box without being allowed to see it until he 
 had it in his possession. That entitled him to 
 supp>er for himself and lady. He could know 
 her only by the leaf which she wore pinned to 
 her dress, which must resemble exactly that pur- 
 chased by him, even to the color of the thread 
 used in veining. Much amusement was found in 
 the attempt to match the leaves, and the stiff- 
 
58 SOCIALS 
 
 ness so noticeable at many sociables was entirely 
 overcome. 
 
 The table was decorated with leaves and at 
 each plate was a leaf cut from white paper, on 
 which the one who sat at that place must 
 write a rhyme containing the name of the leaf, 
 and sign his name to it. All who failed to write 
 the rhyme, were required to pay a fine of ten 
 cents. 
 
 A lady gathered up the paper leaves, before 
 the guests left the table, and read the rhymes 
 aloud without mentioning the name signed. 
 Then a vote was taken to decide upon the two 
 best rhymes, and the authors of them each 
 received a beautiful hot house plant. 
 
 There was a table, also, presided over by two 
 young girls dressed in white with garlands of 
 green leaves. On this table there were exposed 
 for sale, pen-wipers, watch-pockets and other 
 articles which could be made in the form of a 
 leaf. 
 
 After tea a blackboard was fastened to the wall, 
 and a lady and gentleman, both blindfolded, were 
 led up to it, and two pieces of chalk, one white 
 and one colored, given to each. Their duty was 
 to draw the outlines of a leaf with the white 
 chalk, and vein it with the colored chalk, then 
 write their names and the name of the leaf below 
 their work. 
 
SOCIALS 59 
 
 The veining often came far from the leaf 
 drawn, and the names were very often written 
 across the work, but it was very amusing to the 
 spectators. 
 
 When the couple at the board had finished, 
 another couple was blindfolded, and put to work. 
 All the work was left on the board, and when the 
 company tired of the play, the board looked 
 more like a Chinese puzzle than anything else. 
 
 PALETTE SOCIAL. 
 
 If you want to give an amusing social at little 
 expense, try the palette social, or "Evening with 
 the Animals" as it is sometimes called. I will 
 describe it as given recently by a party of young 
 people interested in securing a school library. 
 
 As the guests arrived, each gentleman paid 
 twenty-five^cents and received a palette cut from 
 white cardboard, to which a small lead pencil 
 was tied with narrow ribbon. On the palette 
 were the words, "Supper for Two" in fancy let- 
 ters, and along one side of it were figures from 
 i to 20. The gentlemen were then taken to 
 another room, where attendents wrapped them 
 in sheets, and tied masks over their faces, com- 
 
60 SOCIALS 
 
 pletely disguising them; then a tiny card, just 
 large enough to hold one or two figures, was 
 fastened to the drapery of each. 
 
 The ladies were required to pay ten cents each, 
 which entitled them to a card similar to those 
 fastened to the gentlemen. They were then told 
 that they would find a package in the next room, 
 marked by a card bearing a number correspond- 
 ing to that which we held. 
 
 None but the few ladies who planned the so- 
 cial knew anything about the sort of "packages" 
 that awaited them, and the surprise created a 
 great deal of merriment, and rendered impossi- 
 ble the restraint so often noticeable at such gath- 
 erings. 
 
 The lady was obliged to remove the mask from 
 the face of her 'package' as soon as sne found 
 it, and he then acted as her escort for the rest 
 of the evening. 
 
 When the different couples had returned to the 
 main room, they were required to take seats at 
 once. A blackboard, and chalk, was provided, 
 and the manager took her place beside it, hold- 
 ing twenty small cards in her hand, on each of 
 which was written the name of some well-known 
 animal or insect. A good list would consist of 
 "camel, pig, butterfly, cow, dog, cat, elephant, 
 hen, rat, horse, toad, owl, mule, sheep, bee, bat, 
 turkey, swan, ostrich, and rabbit." 
 
SOCIALS 61 
 
 The manager called some one from the aud- 
 ience, and showed him the word written on the 
 upper card in her hand. No one else was al- 
 lowed to see it. He went to the board and drew 
 as good a picture of the animal named as he 
 could, being allowed no more than five minutes 
 in which to do the work. Then the rest of the 
 audience guessed what his picture was meant to 
 represent, and wrote the name opposite Fig. i 
 on their palettes. There was one palette to each 
 couple, and both lady and gentleman on whose 
 palette was found the greatest number of correct 
 guesses, were given a prise. Prizes were also 
 given to the couple having the fewest correct 
 guesses. 
 
 Here are the rules governing this contest: 
 Couples can consult together in whispers regard- 
 ing the picture on the board, but not with their 
 neighbors. Incase of a tie, a few more pictures 
 must be drawn for the "tied" contestants. When 
 the first artist has finished his picture, it is erased, 
 and some one else is called to the board. The 
 first card is placed at the bottom of the pack, 
 the second card is shown to the artist, who goes 
 to w T ork at once. No artist counts the name of 
 his own picture. 
 
 It is a good idea to have either the lady or 
 gentleman in each couple called to the board 
 once, so that all may have an equal number of 
 
62 SOCIALS 
 
 guesses. No one must know beforehand what 
 he will be required to draw. The poorer artist 
 he proves to be, the more fun there will be, and 
 the more wild guessing. When the last card has 
 been used, each couple writes their names on 
 their palette, than the palettes are exchanged, 
 and marks are drawn through all wrong guesses, 
 while the manager reads aloud the names on her 
 list, in the same order as shown to the artists. 
 
 After the prizes are awarded, refreshments are 
 served. It this case they were provided by the 
 ladies, who also donated the prizes, so what they 
 made was clear Rain. 
 
 PUZZLE SOCIAL. 
 
 If you have never given a puzzle social, try it. 
 Provide as many envelopes as you expect guests, 
 and number them plainly, so that there will be 
 two envelopes bearing the same number ; put 
 one in a box provided for the ladies, the other in 
 a box from which the gentlemen will draw. 
 
 In each envelope put a slip of paper on , which 
 you have written the words of a well-known 
 verse from the works ol some poet, which you 
 have copied without regard to "rhyme or rea- 
 son." The more you can mix the words of these 
 
SOCIALS 63 
 
 verses the better, but be sure that no word and 
 not even a pause is omitted. 
 
 As each person, lady or gentleman enters the 
 room, he is obliged to pay ten cents, and is then 
 allowed to draw an envelope from the proper 
 box. He must write the verse correctly, on the 
 back of the paper on which it is written. 
 
 At luncheon time, the manager produces a box 
 containing a dainty lunch for two, and reads the 
 number on the cover. The lady and the gentle- 
 man holding envelopes bearing the same number 
 as that on the box go forward to claim it, but if 
 either has failed to get his verse written correct- 
 ly, the other must help straighten it out before 
 the box is given them. 
 
 Neither party should have an idea as to who 
 will be his companion at lunch, until the number 
 of their box is called. The boxes of lunch are 
 usually provided by the ladies, but marked by 
 the manager. 
 
 MAUD MULLER SOCIAL. 
 
 This is a most delightful entertainment for a 
 home party, for school exhibitions, college clubs, 
 and for literary societies wanting to entertain 
 
64 SOCIALS 
 
 friends for an evening, or in need of money for 
 running expenses. It is so easily arranged that 
 amateurs need not be afraid to undertake it, 
 especialy as the directions are very complete. 
 It is something in the nature of a musical drama. 
 
 The chorus should consist of a number of 
 singers, but if the society is small, a quartette 
 with piano or organ accompaniment will do 
 nicely. The piano should stand just in front of 
 the stage. If the stage is small the chorus may 
 be grouped in front of it in such a way as not to 
 hide the actors from any part of the audience. 
 In the communities for which this entertainment 
 is especially designed, this will be the most con- 
 venient arrangement. In larger communities, 
 there will be persons who can direct the move- 
 ments of the chorus more after the manner of the 
 chorus in an opera, if that is thought desirable. 
 
 Considerable practice will be necessary to 
 make the singing parts go off easily, especially 
 where the tune is carried out in conversational 
 style, as in the first lines. For instance, when 
 Mrs. Muller sings, "Be careful," etc., the chorus 
 stops, she continuing where they left off. When 
 they sing, "John answers/' they continue where 
 she left off, etc. It will be readily seen that un- 
 less each sings his part unhesitatingly, so that 
 the tune goes on without interruption, the effect 
 will not be good. Different tunes from those 
 
SOCIALS 65 
 
 suggested may be used by the chorus if thought 
 best, If there are not enough lines or words to 
 finish the tune, repeat as many as necessary. 
 Care should be taken to sing with expression and 
 to pronounce the words distinctly. This entertain- 
 ment requires only a short time in the rendering 
 of it, and at its conclusion the time may be spent 
 in social conversation or games. It might be a 
 good idea to have some one read Whittier's 
 "Maud Muller," before giving the burlesque. 
 This burlesque may be varied without trouble. 
 In places where the actors have had musical 
 training the words can be set to quite difficult 
 music, but when carefully rehearsed as given 
 here, it cannot fail to be amusing. 
 
 ACT FIRST. 
 
 SCENE FIRST. 
 
 [Curtain rises disclosing Mrs. Muller, a fat old lady, 
 patching a pair of overalls. John, a half-grown boy walks 
 around impatiently, and soon Mrs. Muller hands the over- 
 alls to him, well covered with conspicuous patches. As 
 John puts them on the chorus begins to sing.] 
 
 Chorus. [Tune, Bonnie Doom] 
 
 John Muller puts on his pants of tweed, 
 Which his tired mother has just re-kneed, 
 And sprinkled with patches in other places, 
 Where her well worn slipper has left its traces, 
 And she savs to her boy as he puts them on, 
 
66 SOCIALS 
 
 Mrs. M. 
 
 Be careful of them there breeches John! 
 Cho. 
 
 John answers— 
 John. 
 
 You bet. [Turns a handspring and hurries 
 from the stage.] 
 
 Cho. 
 
 — then hurries away 
 To the meadow where Maud is raking hay, 
 Taking the path which leads through the 
 wood. 
 
 For this little boy is not very good. 
 
 And he takes more pleasure than tongue can 
 
 tell, 
 In thinking of ways to make Maud yell. 
 He stops ere the last oak tree is passed, 
 Saying — 
 John. [Grinning with delight.] 
 
 — by jing, but Pve ketched 'em at last! 
 If I'm not mistaken there comes the Judge, 
 And I have not forgotten that I owe Maud a 
 
 grudge 
 For telling on me one day when I 
 Sprinkled red pepper into her pie. 
 
 [John disappears. While the chorus and he 
 are singing the above, Mrs. Muller is putting the 
 room to rights, very energetically, and somewhat 
 impatiently. When they finish, she begins to 
 sing while continuing her work.] 
 
SOCIALS 67 
 
 Mrs. M. [Tune, chorus to " Annie Rooney."] 
 I'm so weary! life is to me 
 One long round of drudgery, 
 From four in the morning till late in the night, 
 I with disorder must fight, fight, fight. 
 
 There's Maud and Johnnie, I never did see 
 Two such children as those children be ! 
 Always tearing garments ; always wanting 
 
 food ; 
 Always into mischief; they won't be good. 
 
 Then, there's Muller ! Oh, dear me ! 
 I do wish sometimes that I was free ! 
 Marriage is a failure ; deny it who can, 
 With two unruly children, and one lazy 
 man. 
 
 [Muller enters in time to hear the last verse. 
 He listens in angry astonishment, and when it is 
 finished comes toward his wife, with fist doubled 
 up,] 
 
 Muller. [In a rage.] See here, old woman; 
 what is this you're saying ? Tell me if you dare, 
 and keep silent if you dare ! I defy you to do 
 either ! Do you hear me ? I defy you ! I will 
 not be maligned in my own house. I will not, 
 I say ! If you can't show me proper respect, 
 you can leave at once. You can go out alone 
 into the cold, heartless world, and wrestle for 
 your own bread and butter. You can. [Finish- 
 ishes with an inarticulate, sputtering noise, ac- 
 
68 SOCIALS 
 
 companied with furious stamping of feet and* 
 shaking fists.] 
 
 Mrs. L. [Coolly pushes a chair to the middle 
 of the stage, and stands with one hand on the 
 back of it, while with the fore-finger of the other 
 hand she motions Muller to be seated.] Come 
 here, Muller, and sit down until you can get 
 cooled off a little. Come here, I say ! I shall 
 not repeat it. [Muller obeys very unwillingly, 
 and as he starts to sit, Mrs. M. puts both hands 
 on his shoulders and gives him vigorous assist- 
 ance, and then stands before him, shaking one 
 finger unpleasantly close to his nose while she 
 talks to him in a cool, sarcastic voice, which he 
 seems afraid to resent.] It would be a sad day 
 for you, Muller, if I should go away to earn my 
 own bread and butter ; land knows where you'd 
 get yours. Have you mended that gate as I 
 told you to ? 
 
 Mul. N-n-o ! I — I was just going to. 
 
 Mrs. M. Just going to! You said the same 
 thing two weeks ago, and you'll repeat it two 
 weeks from to-day, and the gate will hang by one 
 hinge for two monthsunless I fix it myself. Why 
 aren't you in the meadow ? 
 
 Mul. [Whiningly.] Maud said she didn't 
 want me. She said she'd rather rake the hay 
 alone than to have me around. Maud gets sau- 
 cier every day. 
 
SOCIALS 69 
 
 Mrs. M. And you came to the house when 
 she said that ? Didn't you know any better than 
 that, you old idiot ! Couldn't you see that she 
 wanted you to come to the house so that she 
 could be alone with young Jones ? 
 
 Mul. Young Jones said he was going to the 
 
 village to-day. 
 
 Mrs. M. Going to the village ! I presume 
 he told you so. He knows you'll swallow any- 
 thing ! Why didn't you stop to think that he 
 had a sick horse and couldn't go ? He was prob- 
 ably hiding behind some tree until Maud could 
 get you out of the way. 
 
 Mul. I don't believe Maud cares for Jones 
 since the Judge has been coming this way so 
 often. 
 
 Mrs. M. Oh, the Judge ! You don't know a 
 girl. It would be exactly like her to marry Jones 
 just because she knows myheait is set on her 
 marrying the Judge. Now you go back to the 
 meadow just as fast as you know how, and don't 
 you leave Maud until she comes to dinner. 
 
 Mul. Oh, dear ! It's too hot to work. 
 
 Mrs. M. Go, as I tell you ! [Pushes him 
 toward the door, and the curtain falls.] 
 
7o SOCIALS 
 
 ACT SECOND. 
 
 SCENE FIRST. 
 
 [The curtain rises disclosing Maud Muller in the meadow, 
 and John watching her from behind a tree. Maud shades 
 her eyes with one hand while pretending to look off at a dis- 
 tance, and then, as if she caught sight of some one, she 
 immediately begins to make herself presentable, as suggested 
 m the song of the chorus, always doing just as they say she 
 does. The chorus sings this to the tune of the first lines of 
 "Old Dan Tucker," dividing the last word of each couplet 
 to make it fit the measure. As for instance, pronouncing 
 brown — "brow-own." Such little touches do much toward 
 making the entertainment more ridiculous.] 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 He watched his sister stooping down 
 To pull a thorn from her foot so brown; 
 Witnessed her hasty search for a pin, 
 With which to fasten her dress sleeve in; 
 Saw her tie her apron in eager haste 
 To hide where her dress is torn from the 
 
 waist; 
 Noticed how brown were her arms so bare, 
 As she raised them to smooth her tangled 
 
 hair. 
 John knows, by the way she acts, just when 
 She thinks herself fit to be seen of men. 
 
 [Here, Maud must show b> her actions that 
 she is very well pleased with her appearance, 
 
SOCIALS 7 1 
 
 then she begins to sing in a very affected man- 
 ner.] 
 
 Maud. [Tune, "Suanee River."] 
 I'm really quite a pretty girlie, 
 
 That's what they say. 
 Eyes bright as stars and teeth so pearly, 
 
 Lovely as a bright June day. 
 If ever from the old plantation, 
 
 I chance to roam. 
 Pm pestered with the invitation, 
 "Please may I see you home?" 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 All the laddies, when they see me, 
 
 Think they'd happy be, 
 If all along life's thorny pathway, 
 
 They might walk with me. 
 
 SECOND VERSE. 
 
 It surely seems to be my duty 
 
 Lonely to roam, 
 Until my matchless grace and beauty 
 
 Bring me a wealthy home. : 
 Then I can say good bye to sorrow, 
 
 I'll be care-tree, 
 No trouble shall I need to borrow; 
 
 Happy, happy I shall be. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 But the laddies, when they see me, 
 
 Will unhappy be, 
 That, adown life's thorny pathway, 
 They can't walk with me. 
 
72 SOCIALS 
 
 [When Maud finishes her song, she steps back, 
 and shading her eyes with one hand, looks to see 
 if the Judge is near, while the chorus sings. The 
 following lines would better be sung to the tune 
 of "Bonnie Doon," as it is well adapted to sing- 
 ing conversational lines. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 The small boy whispered — 
 John and Chorus. [In a whisper.] 
 — oh, my eye ! 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 As he sees the Judge riding slowly by, 
 
 On his proud stepping horse, which John 
 
 well knew 
 Had been cured of spring-halt but a month 
 
 or two; 
 Dressed fit to kill, in his Sunday best — 
 John couldn't be fooled when he saw that 
 
 vest — 
 And his good eye looking far away. 
 As if he'd not seen Maud raking hay. 
 
 [While chorus sings, the Judge rides in. His 
 horse is represented by two men covered w T ith a 
 fur robe. The first stands bent forward with his 
 hands resting on his knees. The second puts 
 his arms around the first, and rests his head upon 
 him. The legs of the first man form the fore 
 legs of the horse, and those of the second, the 
 hind legs. A horse-head of pasteboard, and a 
 long tail are fastened in place, and the "horsq 
 
 91 
 
SOCIALS 73 
 
 is ready. The Judge should be a light weight 
 man, dressed to appear very corpulent.] 
 
 John. [From behind a tree sings excitedly.] 
 
 It may be — oh, dear me ! the Judge may 
 pass, 
 
 For the eye towards Maud h'aint nothing but 
 glass. 
 
 Oh, no, he won't either ! My, what fun ! 
 
 His glass eye is better than t'other one, 
 
 And now, lady Maud, you may sigh and grin, 
 
 While I sit by this tree and take it all in. 
 
 Who knows but this child will have some- 
 thing to tell, 
 
 Which will make you waltz 'round pa for a 
 spell. 
 
 [Just as John finishes, the chorus begins, and 
 the Judge stops his horse near Maud, and the 
 two act as indicated in the lines.] 
 
 Chorus. [Tune, "Dan Tucker."] 
 
 The small boy throws his arm 'round the 
 
 tree, 
 And hugs it close in his fiendish glee, 
 For he sees the Judge raise his hat and nod, 
 As he stops his horse right in front of Maud. 
 Sees Maud give a start — as any girl can, 
 Who likes to pretend that a certain man 
 She has not seen till she hears him speak, 
 When she grows so frightened it makes her 
 
 weak. 
 Maud does it well ; and the Judge so wise 
 In matters which do not require two eyes, 
 Is well taken in. 
 
74 SOCIALS 
 
 Judge. [Sings in an aside.] 
 — By jimminy ! 
 There was never a maiden so fair as she, 
 So artless and innocent, good and so mild. 
 Old mother Nature's most promising child. 
 It's time I was thirsty. Guess I'll see 
 If I can get her to talk to me. 
 Fair maid, 
 John. [Mimicking him.] 
 
 "Fair maid," 
 He said in a voice so sweet, 
 It would turn into jell a pickled beet. 
 Judge. 
 
 I'm parched with thirst, now don't you think 
 
 You could manage to get me something to 
 
 drink? 
 
 Chorus. [Tune: That which fits the song 
 
 "Vacation, "beginning, "Vacationhas come with 
 
 its pleasures again."] 
 
 Something to drink! Ere the last words fell, 
 Maud started hastily towards the well, 
 Which is fed by a spring, not forgetting the 
 
 cup, 
 With which to dip the cool water up, 
 See! As she goes she tries in vain 
 To walk so her feet will not show so plain, 
 And she thinks with a pang of the keenest 
 
 sorrow, 
 Of her mother's shoes ? which she could not 
 
 borrow. 
 She returns with the water. Now list to the 
 Judge. 
 
SOCIALS 75 
 
 Judge. [Plaintively.] 
 
 This hand from the saddle I cannot budge, 
 
 I've hurt it severely, don't you see? 
 
 Now won't you please hold the cup for me? 
 
 [Maud holds the cup while the Judge drinks.] 
 Chorus. [Chants in a monotone, speaking 
 very distinctly. Maud and the Judge act as indi- 
 cated in the lines.] 
 
 There at Maud's feet in the new mown hay, 
 
 A hornet is slowly finding its way 
 
 From under the grasses, which hold him 
 
 fast, 
 And prevent him from flying. He's free at 
 
 last! 
 He spies Maud's brown foot minus a shoe, 
 And he acts as hornets usually do. 
 Maud yells, and the Judge can easily see 
 That there's only one foot where two should 
 
 be. 
 
 The other she's drawn quite up to her waist 
 In eager, most frantic, undignified haste. 
 It upsets her equilibrium, 
 Which means the steadiness of her thumb, 
 The cup is o'er turned, and the Judge's nose 
 Receives one of those unexpected blows, 
 Which, early or late, must come to us all 
 To convince us that stars do quite frequently 
 fall. 
 
 Maud had yelled. But the Judge — Oh how 
 
 shall we tell it; 
 The word that he said? We won't even spell 
 
 it. 
 
76 SOCIALS 
 
 [Excitedly.] 
 
 But the horse knows it well; he has heard it 
 
 before, 
 And it usually means he must idle no more. 
 
 Half of the Chorus. [Quickly.] 
 
 So he starts off at once without making a 
 sound. 
 
 Other half of the Chorus. [Solemnly.] 
 
 And the Judge stays behind to examine the 
 ground. 
 
 [When the chorus begins the last couplet, the 
 horse jumps forward, throwing the Judge to the 
 ground, where he remains for a moment as if 
 stunned; the horse disappears; Maud pours 
 water upon her foot.] 
 
 Chorus. [Tune, "I couldn't help it; how 
 could I mamma."] 
 
 The slow minutes pass full of pain and grief, 
 And neither one goes to the other's relief ; 
 And there in the shade of the old, oak tree, 
 The boy squirms and rolls in his spasmodic 
 
 glee, 
 For he's noticed that right where the Judge 
 
 sat down, 
 The grass is uncut and tall and brown. 
 The mowers passed by when they cut the 
 
 rest, 
 For they knew that right there is a hornet's 
 
 nest. 
 
SOCIALS 77 
 
 John. [Raising his head from the grass, and 
 singing as if nearly choked with laughter.] 
 
 The mowers passed by when they cut the 
 
 rest, 
 For they knew that right there is a hornet's 
 
 nest. 
 The Judge '11 know it, too, in less than a 
 
 minute. 
 And he'll also know there are hornets in it. 
 
 [The Judge suddenly springs up, takes off his 
 hat and begins to fight the hornets. Maud, also, 
 becomes excited, and fights with bonnet and 
 apron, while John dances with delight, in the 
 background. Curtain falls.] 
 
 ACT SECOND. 
 
 SCENE SECOND. 
 
 [Curtain rises disclosing the Judge, minus coat, vest, and 
 shoes, sitting by a fence, trying to get the hornets from his 
 shirt sleeves and trousers legs. He should have some blotches 
 on his face, which may be made with putty. Maud sits ut- 
 terly exhausted on a pile of hay. John watches them atten- 
 tively.] 
 
 Chorus. [Tune, "Bonnie Doon," Sing with 
 great earnestness.] 
 
 The Judge knew it, too, in less than a min- 
 ute, 
 And he also knew there were hornets in it, 
 
78 SOCIALS 
 
 And the thought expressed by his soulful 
 
 yell 
 Was a shade more woeful than tongue can 
 
 tell. 
 He quickly arose and ambled away 
 From the meadow and Maud and the new 
 
 mown ha} 7 . 
 Ambled away, he knew not where, 
 To get out of sight was his only care. 
 
 [Chant.] 
 
 And when he had left the hornets behind, 
 He stopped by that old rail fence to bind 
 A handkerchief over his swollen nose 
 And remove a few hornets out of his clothes. 
 
 Judge. [Tune, "Old Aunt Rhoda," sung 
 with great expression.] 
 
 Plague take these hornets ! 
 Plague take these hornets ! 
 Plague take these hornets ! 
 Why should they cling to me? 
 Unless they soon leave me, 
 Unless they soon leave me, 
 Unless they soon leave me, 
 I know I'll .crazy be, 
 Good-by, Maud Muller, 
 Good-by, Maud Muller, 
 Good-by, Maud Muller, 
 I'll never think of you 
 Without feeling these hornets. 
 These mad, clinging hornets, 
 These blood-thirsty hornets, 
 And that will never do. 
 
SOCIALS 79 
 
 Chorus. [Chant.] 
 
 On his hands six lumps are painfully sore, 
 And under his clothing are several more, 
 Still he feels, as he counts the lumps on his 
 chin. 
 
 Judge. (Reflectively. Tune, "Bonnie Doon.") 
 
 It isn't so bad as it might have been. 
 
 I cannot think much with this aching head, 
 
 But I know that my love for Maud Muller is 
 
 dead. 
 My love on a girl can never be spent, 
 Who has seen me in such a predicament. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 There is nothing so hard on love, as a rule, 
 As the fear of a little ridicule. 
 He tenderly binds up his swollen thumbs, 
 And plainly before him a vision comes 
 Of a ragged girl with uncombed hair, 
 And feet that are dreadfully big and bare, 
 
 And a form that is many degrees too thin, 
 
 And he groans when he thinks what might 
 have been, 
 Judge. [Groans and then sings solemnly.] 
 
 I groan when I think what might have been. 
 (When the chorus sing, "And plainly before 
 him a vision came." Maud arises with an effort, 
 and comes toward him, on her way out of the 
 field. She walks with great difficulty. The 
 Judge goes off the stage.) 
 
80 SOCIALS 
 
 Cho. 
 
 Poor Maud, left alone on the field of hay, 
 Finds it very hard work to get away, 
 For her bare, brown foot is so rapidly grow- 
 ing, 
 It impedeth her progress when she would be 
 going. 
 
 Maud. (Sarcastically. Sings slowly to the 
 tune of "Old Dan Tucker.") 
 
 Do I mourn for the Judge? Well, really, 
 
 you know, 
 Girls who live now-a-days are not apt to do 
 
 so. 
 I envied him his position, of course, 
 And admired him much as he sat on his 
 
 horse, 
 And being so tired of my work-a-day life, 
 I have thought of myself as the Judge's wife, 
 With nothing to do from day to day, 
 But amuse myself while the Judge was away. 
 But I changed my mind when I saw him fall, 
 And I hope there is no one who saw it all, 
 For I've always hated effeminate men, 
 And I groan when I think what might have 
 
 been. 
 
 Cho. 
 
 She groaned when she thought what might 
 have been. 
 
 (Maud limps off the stage.) 
 Cho. (Tune, "Bonnie Doom") 
 
 John Muller gets up from his leafy bed, 
 And jerks off his hat from his curly head, 
 
SOCIALS 81 
 
 For something within him, he knows not 
 
 what, 
 Tells him to visit the fateful spot, 
 And see if he cannot come off best 
 In a fight with the hornets, and steal their 
 
 nest. 
 
 [When the chorus begins, John steals stowly 
 towards the center of the stage, hat in hand, and 
 with a pleased expression on his face. He begins a 
 fight with imaginary hornets, and as it progresses 
 his face becomes more serious, and finally he 
 fights frantically, and seems to be trying to get 
 away.) 
 
 Cho. (Laughingly. ) 
 
 To see if he cannot come off best 
 
 In a fight with the hornets and steal their 
 
 nest. 
 He can't, you know, though he'll have some 
 
 fun, 
 But he'll want to stop ere they have begun. 
 
 (John rushes off the stage, still fighting hor- 
 nets. Curtain falls.) 
 
82 SOCIALS 
 
 ACT THIRD. 
 
 SCENE FIRST. 
 
 [Curtain rises on the Muller home. Mrs. Muller is busy 
 clearing up the room. John rushes in during the progress 
 of the song by the chorus, with his clothes badly torn. She 
 stares at him a moment in blank amazement, then removes 
 her slipper, takes him across her knee, and punishes him 
 well.] 
 
 Chorus. (Chant in a motonous tone.) 
 
 John made quicker time than he e'er made 
 
 before, 
 As home through the woods he frantically 
 
 tore, 
 Forgetting to care for his pants of tweed, 
 Which were only good where they'd been re- 
 kneed. 
 A minute slips by. They are played upon 
 By his mother's slipper so large and strong, 
 Till his teeth feel loose and he isn't sure, 
 How long the bark in his clothes will en- 
 dure. 
 He is free at last ! He flees through the 
 
 door, 
 Saying, 
 
 John. (Pretending to cry.) 
 
 I'll never do so any more. 
 
SOCIALS 83 
 
 (John stands at one side of the stage, which 
 is divided to look like two rooms, and removes 
 some ragged bark from the seat of his overalls.) 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 He grins when he sees the state it is in, 
 But groans when he thinks what might have 
 been. 
 
 John. 
 
 I groan when I think what might have been. 
 
 (John re-enters the other room, and sits in a 
 chair in farthest corner. Maud comes in limp- 
 ing, with her apron bound about her foot.) 
 
 Mrs. Muller. Now, what's the matter? 
 Why do you come in at this hour of the day ? 
 Dinner isn't ready. 
 
 Maud. (Begins crying.) A hornet stung me. 
 I'll never make hay again. 
 
 Mrs. M. You know where the hornets' nest 
 is. Why did you go near it ? 
 
 Maud. I — I — didn't. The hornet came to 
 me. 
 
 John. He came to me, too ! 
 
 f MAUD. (Starts and looks toward him.) Are 
 you there ? 
 
 John. Yes'm, I'm here. I was there, too, 
 but — (Maud goes to him and talks in an aside, 
 offering him her penknife. John will not be 
 bribed. Mrs. M. pares potatoes.) 
 
84 SOCIALS 
 
 John. (In a loud tone.) It'll take more'n that 
 to make me keep still. 
 
 Maud. Hush. I'll give you more. 
 
 John. Remember the pie ; hey ? You got 
 me licked that day. 
 
 Maud. I'm awfully sorry, Johnnie. 
 
 John. So am I. I was sorry about it at the 
 time. 
 
 Maud. What can I give you, John ? 
 
 John. Give me a dollar. 
 
 Maud. But that's all the money I have. 
 
 John. Very well. Do as you like about it. 
 By the way, Mother — 
 
 Maud. (Catches him by the arm.) John ! 
 
 Mrs. M. What is it, John ? 
 
 John. Jim Blake's dog has five little puppies. 
 
 Mrs. M. What do you suppose I care. 
 
 John. Didn't suppose you cared at all. (In 
 a lower tone to Maud.) Well, my lady? 
 
 Maud. And you'll never say a word if I give 
 you the dollar ? 
 
 John. Never, so help me George Washing- 
 ton. (Lays his hand upon his heart. Maud 
 gives him the dollar, which was in a little purse 
 tied around her neck.) 
 
 Maud. What can I do for my foot, ma ? 
 
 Mrs. M. Put a bread poultice on it. 
 
 John. What ! On all of it ? You'll have to 
 bake another batch of bread. (He amuses him- 
 
SOCIALS 85 
 
 self by tossing up and catching the dollar. Maud 
 makes the poultice, singing as she does it.) 
 
 Maud, (Tune, "Tramp, Tramp, the Boys 
 are Marching.") 
 
 I have been a silly fool; 
 
 Now, Pll make myself this rule: 
 
 I will never wed unless it be for lov 
 
 I care nothing, now, for wealth; 
 
 Love and joy and perfect health 
 
 Are the richest blessings sent us from above. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 Oh ! dear ! me ! Pm quite disgusted. 
 
 This has been a lesson dear. 
 
 After all I have been through, then to lose 
 
 my dollar, too, 
 Makes me wish that horrid Judge had ne'er 
 
 come here. 
 
 (Enter Muller, yawning and rubbing his eyes.) 
 
 Mul. Dinner ready yet ? Pm nearly starved. 
 
 Mrs. M. Muller, have you been in the mead- 
 ow? 
 
 Mul. Y-e-s. Oh, yes. 
 
 Maud and John. Oh-h-h! 
 
 Mrs. M. (Takes Muller by the ear and leads 
 him to a chair.) Now, Muller, confess! Where 
 have you been? If you don't tell me, Pll pull 
 every hair out of your head. 
 
 Muller. I — I — guess — Pve been asleep in 
 the barn for a few minutes — only a few minutes, 
 
86 SOCIALS 
 
 though! I know, because I talked with } r oung 
 Jones for several hours. 
 
 Maud. (Blushing and simpering.) Oh, pa! 
 what did he want? 
 
 John. Did he say anything about that dog 
 he's going to give me? 
 
 Mrs. M. (To John.) Neither he nor any other 
 man will give you a dog. (To M.) What were 
 you talking about? 
 
 Mul. (Becoming angry.) I don't have to 
 tell. A man hasn't got to tell his wife every- 
 thing, I guess. It's none of your business, and 
 I shall not tell one word that young Jones said 
 to me. 
 
 Mrs. M. [Coolly.) Muller, be calm. Now 
 tell me exactly what Jones said. Did he want to 
 borrow anything? 
 
 Mul. No-o-o, not exactly. 
 
 Mrs. M. Not exactly. He wanted to get it to 
 keep, I suppose? Answer me. 
 
 Mul. Y-e-s, that's about it. 
 
 Mrs. M. He asked for Maud. 
 
 Mul. Uh-huh, 
 
 Maud. What did you say, you darling old 
 papa? 
 
 Mrs. M. Keep still, Maud. This doesn't 
 concern you. 
 
 Mul. No, it does not concern you. He said 
 
SOCIALS 87 
 
 he'd give me that roan horse of his, if Pd use my 
 influence with you. 
 
 Maud. (Rapturoush ? .) Oh, how he loves 
 me! 
 
 Mrs. M. How much is the horse worth? 
 
 Mul. Two hundred and. fifty dollars, if he's 
 worth a cent. 
 
 John. Pd rather have him than fourteen 
 Mauds. 
 
 Mul. Jones says his father will do the hand- 
 some thing by him. 
 
 Mrs: M. Well sell old Bill when we get the 
 roan horse. Come here, my daughter! Come 
 here, John. Let's all shake hands over the good 
 news. (They shake hands and join the chorus 
 in singing the following lines to the tune of 
 "Bonnie Doom") 
 
 Oh, Whittier, Whittier, what would I not 
 
 give. 
 If those words of thine which forever must 
 
 live, 
 To be sung through the ages, had been writ 
 
 by me! 
 For words which are truer there never can N 
 
 be, 
 "Of all the sad words of tongue or pen, 
 The saddest are these, it might have been." 
 And I think we have proved it in our verse, 
 Things were bad enough, but they might 
 
 have been worse. 
 
88 SOCIALS 
 
 (Chant in a sing-song.) 
 
 There was never an "is" so terribly bad, 
 But has a "might have been, far more sad. 
 
 (The curtain falls as the Muller family renew 
 their handshaking with increased animation.) 
 
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