-?r K; \U Glass /E^37 Book - ^^6 b^:> \ 4 «i / SPECIAL MESSAGE OF THE OUGHT-TO-BE GOVERNOR OF WISCONSIN, MLIVEEED TO A LARGE AND APPKECIATED AUDIENCE OF SoLONS AND SOVflBBIGNg, EM THH SfiNAXB CHAMBER, FEBRUARY 3d, ANN 0. DOMINO, 1862. SECOND EDITION. 1,00 P K R "h U N D R E O 26,000 copies ordered printed for the Legislature and the People. POETIOAI. PRBLUDH. When folly, frequent harbinger ef crime. Bedecks her cap with be Is from every clime ; When knatfes and fooU o'er all prevail, Aud wiib'h their justice in a got 1 en scale ; E'en then thi wisest shrink from public Bneera — Afraid of ehame^unknown to Mther f ars — More darkly, sin, by satire kf pt in awe. They shrink from ridicule, though not from Liw. [Btbon. Fellow Citizens of the two Ilousea, and the other House: — The constitutional provisions of my nature have made it both my duty and my pleasure to agaia address you with my annual budget of wisdom, sophistry and soothesay- inga. GRAND EXOEDIOM. The past year has been one of uncommon dearth and profundity — of unheard of happiness and misery — of unparalleled prosperity and adversity. Mother E irth has yielded up her requiting blessings on the sons of toil. Peace and war — virtue and rascility — want and plenty — parsimony and prodigality — promisory notes and protests— personal sicrifices and personal plundering on a most unmitigated scale — wr, want and wretchedness have filled the world with hunger, horror and howling humanity. Riches have taken most prodigious wings and the flight of the spread eagle cin't hold a can- dle to the rapidity of their exodus while pov- erty, pusillanimous, puhlic and private plun- dering, are asserting iheir didactic divine dic- tatorial dominion. Seed time and harvest we have had. For the first we have had plenty to do, and the last, though full in quantity, yet most almighty deficient in price. The cereals and the esculents have done remarkably well, and 80 far as I am concerned, have honored heavy drafts on ioatn banks and san 1 exchanges. but the deuce of it is. the whole pile is worth just nichit, only to eat. and what's the use of eating when one's stomach is turned topsy turvy aad the whole world seenut to be trading on tick, to/rescent and transoendant treason? The crop of small potatoes has been moat abundant and abominable, and has taken the starch out of the redundant rivalry of more re- percussive loots. Nature seems to have done her share towards making mankind merry and mindful of those big, bouncing blessings that always flow from the faithful fraternity of veracious, virtuous and venerationg sons of Adam, but the vil- lainous vices of virulent madmen, have so fir delayed, done for, and destroyed the high hopes, honor and happiness of the poor , plagued, poverty stricken people, that I feel called upon to make many moral matters the module of my molifying message. PIETY AND OLD SLEDOB. While the temporal wants of the people have been running zig zag, and lashing like a tem- pest, the sea of commerce and enterprise into a spray of white suds and lather, I have not been unmindful of the spiritual nccessites of the youth, especiil y the Sundny school A, B, C, Darians, whom 1 have endeavored to teach the value of the atonement, which, when ^t into practice, may be, by the wicked, termed lit- erally the art of atoning for the loss of the queen by catching the knave This is as near as I can illustrate the "point" in my sledge- hammer way, though perhaps it were best to remain whist, lest we get etichred by some bet- ter hand. QOd'S great SOUTHKBN THBSSHIIIO TIOOIL Since I last addressed you a war has broken out between the North and the South, and much blood has been shed somewhere in the vicinity of God's great, big southern thr.ishing floor, which some disloyal rebels have located on their maps, as the bridge across Bull's Bun. COMTBABANDS, BTC. On the subject of "oontr»bao'^s/' perhaps I had ought to say nichtt, and retire on the Ihtt* ' o 4 6th. How many officers for the regular and volunteer forces, of any given grade, can you supply from your State ? Please answer immediately. 0. H. A. MT REPLY. Offiob Executive Headquarters, > Madison, the l8t monih, 1862. > His Most Loyal Excellency. Old Honest Abe : Sir : — Yours written previous to this answer, ers. Contrabands and the almighty dollar are 1 reached me in a double envelope, entwined twins. Cotton bears the same relation to con- | with red tape, about two hours and eight min- utes since, and I hasten to reply. You have honored yourself highly by thus asking my advice, and I will proceed to answer your ques- tions — Sarah Aitim. Ist. I would let them go in any direction ex- cepting North, unless they give leg bail to stop nothing short of Canada, as the " illustrated " case you sent me seems to indicate. 2d I would'nt advise any such thing, unless you also desire to abolish the par value of this Union. If so, " let 'em elide," but don't en- tail on our folks the consequences. 3d. Tell Congress for me, that if they ain't cussed fools they will lay that sub- ject under the table, forever. 4th. Let the question alone, and it will take care of itself. Shove on the army with all pos- siiile dispatch, and if all the contrabands melt before them, nobody this side of Muddy Creek or Bull Run will complain. 5lh. I think it the cutest trick you overdone. You acted heroically, and as soon as I heard of it, I came very near breaking the pledge for joy. I think you had Cameron just where Moses had the measles, and your sending him to St. Petersburg is just as good as though yotx had sent him to Ft. Warren — it you only keep him there. 6t.h I can furnish from this State all the offi- cers the whole Union will need for the next 50 years. If they are not to pass a bureau of in- spection, I will take the cont^^kct at the same price I took the state printing — l-iOOOdth per cent; provided the "basis'" is drawn by the same power that acted here. Please intimate how you would have them sent on — by rail or otherwise — if by rail, I think I could make a speck by selling the priv- ilege of tickets, to say nothing about selling my country. Yours, most religiously. By the ough' to bo QOVEENOB. p. S. — What's the chance on contracts ? Are the "fat takes" all selected 1 On receipt of the above. Old Honest Abe seemed to be bent down with joy from the sole of his head to the crown of hi» heel He imme- diately sent me the following telegraphic dis- patch, postage paid : rels and other evergreens of some of my offi- cious predecessors, but as that has formed the principal staple of our political merchandize, and nomenclature for many years, I hope to be forgiven, hereafter, if not in this world, for a few suggestions, for the benefit of " all con- cerned." " Contrabands" are supposed to be those bands of Africans banded together for the purpose of hoeinp: cotton and chawing tobacco for the benefit of Abolition spinners and deal trabands, as honey and beeswax do to the honey bee. The latter stings and sweetens, and sweetens and stings, and the malcontent wants nothing to do with him, but sends Sir Dollar af- ter his honey. So with the spindle and shuttle lords of Old and New England — they can't tol- erate contrabands, but post off Sir Dollar for the substance of their sweat, which they can procure in no other way. Still contrabands are all wrong — that is, it is wrong to be contra- bands. But the great question, what to do with them, has puzzled statesmen nearly or quite as profound as myself. Old Honest Abe has written me a letter, asking my opinion as to the best course to pursue in the matter. — Now, I don't like to give my opinions without some valuable consideration, but as it was Old Honest Abe, and he was in trouble about it, I have done so, and herewith transmit the HIQHIiT ABLE CORRESPONDENCE : 'W'WiTE House, Up Stairs, > Washinqton, Jan- 15th, 1862. i His Most Excellency, the ought to be Governor of Wisconstn : Sear Sir : — I write you on a most embar- rassing subject, and trust, that if not inconsis- tent with jour onerous public duties, you will immediately return an answer to the following questions. Old Honest Abe, P. S. — Congress will appropriate the neces- sary postage, 80 you need not give yourself any trouble on that score. 1st. What would you do with the " Contra- bands " that come within our lines, with packs on their backs like this fellow? 2d. Would you advise me to issue a proclama- tion abolishing the dollar value to that species of goods? 3d. Do you think it policy for Congress to do that same ? 4th. What, in your opinion, ought io be done to settle the question ? 5th. What do you think of my policy in send- ing Cameron adrift ? OLD HONEST ABB's ANSWER. White Hoosb. in the Kitohix, ) Washington, D. (J., Ic62. ) To His Ought to be Excellency of H'j*con»jn ; Mt Dear Sir: — Yours of the Ist month was duly received, and entered at large upon my J^ Cabinet Journal. I am delighted with your plan, and shall be most happy to avail myaelf of your suggestions. Believe me, sir, ybur should be Excellency's most obsequious, devoted and humble servant. Honest Old Abe. P. S. — Send me a copy of the Patriot. I be- lieve it he soundest paper in the Union, and I may induce Congress to order a large number for the soldiers. Availing myself of the good feelingr thus ap- pearing to exist between the President and myself, I thought it my duty to still further give him the benefit of my sagacity, and al- though not directly asked to do so, I dispatched him the following additional budget of advice by the last one-horse train : A FRIENDLY C0ERE3P0NDBNCB. Should bb Exbcutite IlBADQtJARTERs, 7 Madison, this first Month, '62. > His most Loyal Excellency, Honest Old Abe : My Dear Sir: — Pardon me, if I venture to offer a few suggestions on your annual messnge relative to the support of the war — taxes, &c. Now, this is the cream of the joke. War can't be prosecuted without the means, and no mat- ter how mean the means, I mean we must have means. You spoke about some of the states paying thejr portion of the national tax in con- trabands. A capital idea, and one that does you great credit, for if the ^^cau.'ie of this war" can be turned in to paying its expenses, it will exhibit a stroke of policy not in'erior to the most approved of the first Napoleon. In the same connection you spoke of a Government railroad somewhere between Kentucky and North Carolina. Here's a most capital plan, which strikes mo right on the top ot my head. It is this : Suppose you commission Jim Lane to steal contrabands and collect them at the de- pots along the line of said railroad, and at a proper time they may be put on to the Under Ground railroad and diffused throughout the Northern States, especially m New England, whre thty may be "taken up" and exchanged for cotton, or turned over to the General Gov- ernment for taxes. This plan, you see, would werk equal, and equality is the corner-stone of this Government. If the Southern States are allowed to pay their taxes in contrabands, it ■would be unfair to deny theNbrthern States the Bame privilege, and the mode I have suggested would remove every cause of complaint, and if the North can't hoid its own in producing con- trabands, we can beat the South in stealing, and that will, by the aid of the railroad you mentioned, and our Under Ground railroad^ render us their equals — pay all our taxes, and^ put the contrabands to a good purpose. I trusji you will lose no time in urging on Congress the passage of a law making contrabands a legal lender, at par, for all transactions, and that no. one shall refuse to receive them at par, exceptr* on peril of having his loyalty suspected, and himself punished for treason* I think this.; vfoaM settle things, generally, and be more ser- viceable than Treasury notes, for contrabands will "circulate," whether at par or not — not exactly so with Treasury notes. The contra- bands, as circulating mediums, would always be on a belter fooling than any other spe'nes of currency. THE MASON AND PLIDELL AFFAIR, As England, since the delivery of Mason and Slidell, has been half disposed to pacific rela- tions, can you not manage to have Capt. Wilkes board another English Male vessel — seize some more contraband embassadors, and then give them up. with a view to make England wholly oar friend, for if seizing and delivering up four rebels will make her half ■way friends, seizing and delivering four more ought to do the job for her, and bring her to a standard of friendshipi o This is on the principle that if one stove will'* save half the wood, two stoves will save it all. Yours, with magnificent respect. By the ought to be. Governor. the roman mission. P. S. Wriftt has become of the Roman mis- sion? I am pressed on all sides to receive it myself, but I could not think of such a thing, until I know how many outfits are entailed up- on the lucky fellow. If there are any more outfits, I would take it, and then hand it over to the next friend, who might want a $7,500 outfit, and like myself, has no relish for sea- sickness. Please inform me on this point. A HORSE ASYLUM. P Small s, I wish you would, urge upon Con- gress the propriety of establishing a horse As- sylum, for spavined, ringboned, wind-broKen, full-priced horses, incompetent officers, and other Asses that are disabled from one and an- other cause from serving their country as able bodied horses, some kind of officers and other Asses should do. Humanity and horsemanity alike dictate that something should be done, and I would urge also that a life annuity be voted to those potriotio agents who purchased the horses, mules, asses, &c. Shoddy contrac- tors should also be added to the list. Tours, &c., As abore. A PUBLIC PLUNDKR FUND. I recommend the Legislature to memorialise Congress to appropriate and set apart a fund off ten thousand millions, to be called the public plunder fund, which should at all times be ac- ° cessible to army thieves and first hand contrac- tors. This would save annually a vast amount, which is now being expended to pay investi^a- ting committees, &c , &o. True, the system is somewhat assuaged froia the fact that the Gov- ernment incurs no expense in trying, con- victing and punishing the vast army of vil- lains, but under the system here recommended there would be no seeming need of such expense, and then much unpleasant gossip would be em- bargoed. NEWSPAPERS TO THE SOLDIERS I haved begged a few Democratic papers, and ordered a large number of the State Journal's to be sent to the soldiers — the latter at the state's expense. This I consider sound policy, for if the soldiers don't know any more than to be Democrats, they ought to pay for their own papers, or the publishers should furnish them free gra is, for nothing; hut Republican papers ought to be sent as plenty as flees to every camp at the expense of the people. I think no one will doubt this, and the only thing I regret is, that I had not the entire treasury to draw from — for I was bound the Journal should have a respectable circulation, as the party has shame- fully neglected its duty in that regard, and as the boy said, when lightning shivered the tree over his kead. he could not pray, but by thun- der, Bomething must be done. MORH CONTINQKNT FUNDS NBCKS3ABT. The last session of the Legislature only pro- vided for two contingeni funds, of $10,00Ueach. This was a sad oversight, for five times that amount could have been expended, like amice, if the legislature had only done ita*15uty. We must remedy the future by the faults and omissions of the past. I therefore recommend five contingent funds, as follows: Ist — $50 000 to spend just as I please, with- out question. 2d — f 25,000 to pay for labor and wet nurses. If this should not be sufficient, 1 could bring in a bill for the balance. 3d — $40,000 to pay the traveling expenses of such of my friends who may desire to travel East, or otherways, for the benefit of their health, and to catch the measles, "&o " 4th — $10,000 for a washing and mending fund. This sum may look large, but then you must know that a great deal of washing will be ne- cessary — not only dirty linen, and such like, but dirty contracts and soiled characters must be washed and mended, and then a higher grade of laundresses has been employed than hereto fore. On the whole, I could not consent to have this Bum reduced — it will all be needed. 5th — $15,0U0 as a newspaper contingent fund. It is wholly unnecessary for me to lepeatthe objects. 8FEECIIB8 or MY PKKDECE8S0B SHOULD BE PUB- LISHED. I reeomoK^nd a suitabla appropriation to eha- Ve the 8 a'e Historian to collect, compile, and publish tie .-speeches of my predecessor, politi- Oil, moral and spiritual. The whole should be neatly printed at the Patriot office ob a "basis" of 1-1,000 percent, and appropriately bound in calf. INCBEASE OF ARMY CHAPLAISS, As a vast number of shoes without goles have been famished our army, 1 recommend a large, increase of army chaplains, with double rations and pay, whose duty it should be to go to the knee plus ultra of devotional supplication for the benefit of contractors, to say nothing of the poor solediers. BETRENCHMENT AND BEFOBM. On the subject of retrenchment, I beg you not to make any blunders. Every one of your predecessors have made their "mark" in this respect, and in many cases the old scars are not healed over yet. A few thousand phials of Spaulding's prepared glue, and a quantity of poor man's sticking plaster might be ordered at the "expense of the state,'' for the mobt chronic cases — always taking care that the successors shall apply the cataplasms to the sores of their predecessors. I am happy to see that my last recommenda- tion on this subject has been scrupulously re- garded, as a most wise and prudent course — that is, to begin retrenchment on little matters, and let the big leaks stop themselves. Of course, if you weie going to swallow an elephant, you would commence at his trunk or tail, and take in the smallest protuberances first, before you put his large body through the pro- cess of deglutition. If you once got his trunk down, his body would follow as naturally as whisky does a poor stomach. Ten dollars re- trenched on some poor devil of a printer, for the benefit of delinquent non residents, should be attended to before soma §50,000 swamped on a swamp lai'd survey, after the law for its authority had been repealed. Your predecess- ors followed my recommendations ii this re- gard with remarkable docility. HOW TO SWALLOW A SNAKE. I repeat my former recommendation — though perhaps It may be too late — to spend twice the cost in discussing the postage stamps and news- paper questions, and thus exhaust the time so thatyi'u cannot investigate the matter of giving from S20,000 to$40,0tJ0 more for feeding soldiers than responsible parties ofiFered to do the same service for. Now, if I were going to swallow a snake I would commence at his tail, so as to give his head the longest posBinle chance to de- fend and assail. This is no more than fair, and to carry out the illustration, you should bear in mind the true policy of beginning at the little end of nothings, and then if you have time you may in time, possibly reach the bead. I could offer many more cases in point, but I think the above will do to put you on your guard against the policy of firing first at tne biggest game. For It were better to spend most of the session on small leaks of a few hundred dollars, thin to plunge into the 30d the 403 the 50s or the hundred thousand dollar pile", for in these you might encounter some "respectable" wights. 5 IKVBSTIGATION A HUMBUG. On the subject of invesfigatioHs, permit m% to again repeat my former declaration, that it's alia humbug, since Democrats have retired from power. Republicans, like Csesai'a frau, are above suspicion, and do not need inresti- gating. but if you must investigate, permit me to suggest that your new committee is not composed of the right material. I fear they will be '^too technical," and may give offense. I would suggest that they be provided with the proper stationery — such as a pail of slacked lime and a dozen white wash brushes. I have no objections to said committee's asking a few simple questions, and reporting the answers of the officers interrogated, but to enquire, offi- ciously, info the why and wherefore of disburs- ing the Si 200.000, and the half million besides "engaged," would be the taost intolerable im- pudence. THB DANGER OF INVESTIGATING. A large class of contractors and payees of the state are clamorous for a long session. This, of course, would give an opportunity to look into the green book, and to rake up all shoddy transactions with the fine tooth comb of investigation, which would so incense the 'dear people'' that I recommend a short session — the shorter the better — so as to keep that snooping committee's nosea out of well filled dishes. My predece.ssor was made Governor by investiga tion, and among other things I am opposed to investigating his acts, for it will make Govern- or's of the whole nine on that committee, and 1 don't see what we shall do with so many Ex- cellencies. THB PUBLIC PEINTINU A aiCK THING, The public printing is being done so nicely, and on such good materia!, and so perfectly in accordance with the contract, that I congratu- late the people on the inauguration of that pol- icy which has cut off steals from one end of the ring and soldered them on the other. It is said to be a poor rule that won't work both ways. This having worked oneway, is now reversed, and is running the olk(r way like a charm. If a man can obtain as much for a pound of soap as for a pound of silk, why shall he not be voted a hero in strategy rather than a thief. THB POWER OF APPOINTMENTS. A cannot urge too strongly upon the legisla- ture the passage of a Uw empowering me to appoint as many officers, agents, &c., as I please, leaving with me, of course, the duty of fixing the salaries. This would be so conven- ient in making friends. Out of hundreds of Colonels, Lt. Colonels, Captains, Corporals, traveling agents, special messengers, &c., &o., I could gettle most of my enemies and provide for a large number of friends, who, when I got into a tight pinch would be very handy as aux- iliaries. I recommend the passage of this kind of ''enabling act" — that is, to enable me to act, as in my wisdom may seem proper. This enabling act should also enable me, just before an important election, to employ for a few days as many men as might be necessary to place the local election beyond danger. My predecessor was often obliged to "assume the responsibility," but I would prefer to act strict- ly according to law— if I can get the law to suit me — if not, I shan't care a continental, but will do as I please. THE FORCE OF SUBPOENAS. I leave it for you to determine, in case the Investigating committee should want the oral testimony of my predecessor, whether a sub- poena could reach him at Washiugton, or "any other place." THE LOBBY BEMEMBEKED. I recommend an increase of the lobby. I don't mean the lobby members, but t^e space they occupy. It is a shame to crowd that large and patriotic class like a flock of goats, into the narrow vestibules of the Senate and Assembly Chambers. An appropriation should be imme- diately made for ample room in the two Halls, with sofas, cushioned chairs, cigars, and the "best brands," for no class of citiz-ns work harder than they do, and every comfort should be furnished, so as to render them as happy as clams and other mud suckers. I recommend al- so, that they be allowed the privilege of voting on all questions in whicb they are interested, es- pecially if the vote is likely to be close, on the inside of the bar. INCREASl OF LABORERS, ETO. I recommend an increase of laborers and night watch about the Capitol. Every one knows in "sitting up" with the sick, the more company the more agreeable the task. Labor and night watch for the past year has only amounted to something like §9 000, which would only employ some (kirfT/ able-bodied men the year round. I recommend the number be in- creased to 160. This vfill give employment to a greater number, and leave less money in the vault to be watched, which is the ne plus ultra of economy. POSTAOH STAMPS A LEGAL TENDER. I recommend the passage of a law to make postage Stamps a legal tender for apples and small drinks. Change is getting so scarce as to require no further argument on this head. I will state, however, that postage stamps can be printed at the Patriot ofl5ce much cheaper than the Post Master sells them, and as I am down on monopolies, I recommend the striking off a few million one and three cent stamps for the benefit of the people, and especially the lobby. CENTRALIZATION OF PAP. I shall be most happy to co operate with the Legislature in the passage of a law to either let the public advertising to the lowest bidder, or to give one pet organ a monopoly, not only of the public advertising, but all local adver- tising, by merchants and others. This would be what 1 call the centralization of pap, or the cream of an official joke, well cracked. V VALtTB OF BOLDIEHS. I have been frequently asked why it is that each man mustered into the war serrice from this State has cost over $40 more than each man from any ather State 1 I can only say in answer, that in all probability our men are worth each $40 more than men from any other State — on the ground tkat everything is worth what it costs. G00» PICKING. 1 recommend an appropriation of $250 000 for the survey of the cranberry swamps) of this State, so that a large number of worthy friends might find good "picliing," BANK SUSPENSION. The banks want to siwpend. Let them do it, Then nobody will know when they break. The people would prefer to be shot, if at all, while asleep, so as not to dread it. GEK. UTLET. Ex-A'.'jufcant General Utley has applied to ■le for re-appoiatmeat, but I ha\e refused his importunities and shall continue to resist them until he he gives me satisfactory evidence that he was not dismissed ''for cause. -'' He won't tell me the reasons, but I suspect it is because he had so big a head and heart that it made him "top-heavy," and disqualified himfrom riding on horseback. If this ia so, the objection is incura- ble. CHANGE IN ELECTION LAWS. t I recommend a slight change in our election law, wuich should be so moiified, that in case of a tie or close vote in either House, the person receiving the smallest number of votes shall be allowed to help organize and draw his regular stationery. BLACK MAILING, Considerable smoke arose last summer on the subject of blackmailing contracts, but I hushed up the matter by directing the oftender to be discharged, and thus the matter ended in smoke, as it had begun. Thus, you see, I have estab- lished a reputation for honesty, in smoking out all rotten things. I think, in all such cases, the offender should be discharged, re-employed and paid better wages. LIBEL BONDS fOR BANKING. I recommend libel bonds as a basis of bank- ing, which would not be a greater libel on cur- rency, than banking on the debts which the rebel j states have made it felony to pay, and which they could not pay if they would. There are plenty of editors In the state who would like to take a clatter in that kind of se- curity, for the benefit of their consciences, to say nothing of their shrunken purses. I could furnish a bank of no small capital myself — These species of bonds are better than any other, for they contain the "personal liability" clause, which is not ofteu found in other kinds cf securities. TO ABOLISH COLLECTION LAWS. In view of this crashing crisis, I recommend the abolishing of all laws for the collection of debts, and abolishing all distinctions between common honesty and uncommon stenlings Then repeal the dog law, and we shall have entered upon the millenium of profound politi- cal prosperity. A RETIRED LIST. I recommend legislative provision for a "retired list" — the main object of which should be as soon as one thief has stolen all he wants, to force him to retire and make room for another. This, It strikes me is no more than fair, and no honest thief should object to it. ALARMING DECREASE OF CRIME. The rapid decrease of crime has created the most alarming apprehensions, especially as ex- hibited by the report of Superintendent of the Reform School. The Superintendent sets forth the terrible consequences of the decrease in crime, in the following pungent language. [See pape 14 of said report.] "It is a matter of deep regret that the (de- crease in the number of inmates, renders it necessary to dispense with the services of my assistant, Mr. E. V. H. Danner. He has been employed since the first of April, and I cheer- fully record my testimony of his fidelity and devotion to the interests of the school. We part with him with the hope that a more pros- perous condition of the school may demand and secure his services!" In view of this extraordinary laxity of crime, by which a good, wise and able officer has been thrown out of employnient, I suggest that the Legislature, in their wisdom, pass some bill to encourage the commission of juvenile crimes; with a view to putting the Reform School on a more "prosperous" footing, so as to secure the services of Mr. E. V. H. Danner. What these three initials stand for I cannot divine, unles it be iFnough Fanity for a //oosier. THE " ACCIDENT OF BIRTH.'' Much h.is been said about the "accident of birth." Now, "accidents" have occurred in such matters, but as a general principle there is no "accident" about it — but that a yi\sq design is manifest to every thinking mind I there- fore hope that few blunders will be committed on this subject hereafter. I cannot consent to endorse the doctrine that the sublime Execu- tive of this people, and the people themselves are a tissue of ' accidents." 'Taint possible. " THIS GBOLOaiCAL BUSINESS." Your predecessors, under afilse plea of econ- omy attempted to repeal "this geological busi- ness," and my predecessor acting upon the au- thority in him vested, "took the responsibility," smothered the illegitimate brat in his breeches pocket, and killed it as dead as a smelt, though it smelt like a pole cat for six months after- wards. In this he acted perfectly right, for if he bad signed the bill, I see no way for Prof. 7 ^^ Daniels to have got a living among the rocks. As the contract was not originally designed for the benefitof the state, but for the exclusive bene- fit of the Professor, it wouM have been unconsti- tutional to have repealed it This shows the benefit of having good friends. In considera- tion of goodly fiivors thus rendered, the Profes- sor agreed to act as a drummer-up of recruits for the seniitorial caucus, and I herewith present a full length portrait of that sanguinary man of rocks, in the act of performing his duties, under the geological act: I regret to say, however, that the services of the drummer were greatly disproportionate to the services of my predecessor who continued the Professor in the strata of his former lead.to the tune of $2000 a year. CONUNDBU149. The following conundrums have been for- warded to me by the President of the Mutual Admiration and Sensation Society, asking me to answer the same, which I have done for the benefit of science : Why is the present Legislature a paragon of ititelligence ? Because it noes most every question voted on Why is the Legislature like a poor outfitting establishment 1 Because it has only one Taylor. Why is the Senate a very tardy body in the transaction of business 1 Because it has Sat. on only one committee. Why did the Assembly conclude not to place a railing across their Hall? Because they thought a Eeed Banister would be better. Why is the Assembly not so white as itmigkt be? Because its Gage is two Brown. How is it the members manage to keep their heads so clear? Because they have Combs. Why is the Assembly impertinent? Because they have a Finger in every question. Why is a carpet unnecessary on the Assem- bly floor? Because Mads is better. Why is the Assembly like a good beef bone? Because it contains excellent Morrow. Why are the members all Catholics? Because they respect the Pope. Why is the Assembly prepared for grinding? Because they have a Miller to run th^'ir Mills. Why is the Assembly like a dutiful hen? Because tihey have a good Hatcher, that often makes a Tripp to their Barnes. Why is the Assembly like a pork packer? Because thev have a Salter. Why is the Senate a hard body? Because it is composed in part of Flint. Why need not the members fear a hard win- ter? Because they have a Joiner to build their barracks, and Hay and Bean-s enough to fill them. Why is the Senate like a tow path pedestrian with plenty of money? Because, though Rich, they are too Cnnnin^ to pay fare, when they can Foote it. AVhy is the Assembly like a well regulated English Religious Society? Because it has chosen a Young Dean. Why is the Assembly considered extremely precocious? Because 99 out of the 100 members are not Greene. Why is the name of a popular Insurance Co. like a lawyer with a poor German client? Because with him its fee nichts (Phoenix). Why is the Senate a better judge of good money than the Assembly ? Because they receive Sovereigns after being thrown out by the Assembly. FARM MOKTOAGES. Much has been said about Farm Mortgages, and the question how to get these mortgages off the large number of farms in the state, has ag- itated the public mind for some time, and in following in the footsteps of my illustrious pre- decessor, I have made such promises as will secure me the greatest number of votes. I know of but one feasible way to get these mortgages off the farms on which they are located, and that is, on the plan accidentally and providen- tially discovered by the fellow in Albany a few years since. The river rose so high one night that it took off a mortgage on his lot of $2,000. Now, if this vast snow pile can be melted off by a vigorous warmth of debate on the subject, it is quite probable that a flood may be raised to do the job* I think it quite probable the Su- preme Court would hardly decide this uncon- stitutional, especially since the Assembly baa expunged the Booth resolutions of 1859. 8 MILITABT OBDBE. I have sent out a general order of command to all our Generals id the field, that as soon as one General is likely to get the enemy in a tight place, and win some fame, he shall haul off, and give some other one a chance to make his mark. This, of course, will be a slow pro- cess, but then we must do something for our Generals, and not permit one to win all the glory. I think it hardly fair, and hence I or- dered Gen. Sherman to hold up at Beaufort.and give some other General the glory of cutting off Charleston from the South I am happy to say the late Secretary of War approved my course, in this and other similar cases. THE GOOSE QUESTION. I recommend the sinking of feather beds in the bed of the Mississippi River at the Great Horse Shoe Bend, to prevent the Hollina Ram from battering our officers out of Cairo. How to obtain the necessary amount of feathers will naturally raise the goose question, yet 1 fear if something of the kind is not speedily done, the rebels will find good picking among our Quar- masters. "pump" caepenter illdsteatbd. Below I present a portraiture of the statuary of "Pump" Carpenter, in the attitude of mak- ing an asault upon his enemies. I recommend a small appropriation for a full length leather statue, to be placed in a niche among other •urious things in the Historical Society — pro- viding the original will stop "stealing" from the state: AID-DE-CAMPS. I have appointed all (the Aid-de-Camps of my predecessor, and besides the entire corps of the Kansas Aid Society, and have referred them to the "army regulations" for their pay. They are a most worthy and patriotic class — have re- solved to stand by me as long as 1 remain in the state, and no force attacks me, and they are anxiously waiting for something to turn up. I recommend them most cordially to the Pay- master General. A SLANDEB BEFITTED. There is a villainous story afloat that I slept one night last autumn, with my head and feet out 0' doors, but I assure you it is a most scan- dalous unmitigated — mistake, got up by mis- chievous, disappointed office-seekers, to injure one, who like old Gov. Yates of New York, is "de mosd bobular Gubberner dis state eber had, because he cum in unanimously and he go oat unanimously." THE OFFICE OF G. B. J. A. I have been tendered the highly honorable and lucrative nppintment of Q. R. J. A. in the much slandered, yet benevolent order of the Sons of Malta, yet the constitution forbir/s my officiating, unless by permission of the people. It is for you to say whether I shall accept this position, so ably filled by my predecessor, who left no stones unturned, in the proper discharge of his duties. During the four fiscal years of his term in this office, he never permitted a brother or sister of the order to want for any- thing, and whenever he found one too proud to work, or too lazy to steal, he split the differ- ence — gave them an office, and invited them "to COMB IN OUT OF THE WET. SPIRIIUALISM. A short time since I was appointed agent to investigate the subject of spiritualism. I went to Milwaukee (taking sufficient change from the war contingent fund to bear my expenses) and was soon literally caged with the "spirits." They professed every kindness, and showed me much attention, and I was half inclined to give some of them an office, and should have done so, had they produced the requisite papers of good character, which 1 require in all cases, j investigated the spiritual phenomena tomysat- faction, and soon made the important discovery that — 1 knew nrthing about it. and I herewith present the above for the benefit of Science. J^ MY FLAN TO SNT> THE WAR. I have made a propo^itioo to the Secretary of War to enter into a contract to "clean out" the the rebels in sixty days, after all things are '"ready." My plan is, to locate batteries of Rotary Pumps along the coast, from the Rio Grande to Cape Hatteras, every two miles — to operate said batteries by contrabands, and Wide Awakes, and give the rebels what they most dread — a terrible shower bath of cold water. This might be termed a cold-water "insurrec- tion," and would make the rebels curl up like young Bramins under the car of Juggernaut. THE ICE CEEAM QUESTION. I recommend a small appropriation from the war fund — say $3,000 — to be expended in the purchase of ice cream, I know the proposition is rather "cool," but it is justified by prece- dent, and sanctioned by high authority. [See Public Vouchers.] PENCE VIEWBKS, ETC. I recommend a revision of the Revised Stat- utes, relative to the duties of Fence Viewers The number should be doubled, and their du- ties clearly defined, to watch such niggers as may get inte the fence. I most emphatically recommend that the Legislature order for its use, copies of this message, as follows: 200 Copies in %he Engliah language at 2 cents per copy 50000 Copies in the German language, 19 " " 30000 " " " Norwegian " 30 " " 16000 " " «• Welch " 43 " " 10000 ' '' " Holland " 69 " " 6000 " " «• Chippewa «' 63 •« •* 3000 " " " Hottentot " 106 «' « 1000 " " " Chinese ^' 450 " '« 600 " " ' Confttderate " 600 " « That will do, unless more copies are needed. BATCH OF APPOINTMENTS. I herewith transmit the following batch of appointments, and challenge the World for bet- ter material , Sherman M. Booth as traveling lecturer on morality and virtue, and general colporteur of the State Rights party. Alex. Campbell as agent to procure station- ery. Qen. S, W. Smith, general agent to procure tinware, stationery, and other "^neoessaries." J. A. Smith, editor of Fond du Lac Common' wealth, general appraiser of "book" and "print" paper, with permission to learn the "trade." Alex. Piety as state barber. Moses Modesty Davis, as state whitewasher with privilege to carry the blacking brush for particular cases, according to f incy. John Y. Smith, Bank Comptroller, and gen- eral expounder of the Dred Scott decision. Horace Rublee, as State Weather-cock. H. K. Lawrence, General State Agent for letting contracts, I. E, Messmore, as judge of the first U9w circuit created, with permission to draw the first quarter's salary "on demand." Sile Matteson, as inspector of stale codfish and canine sausages. Ed, Daniels, as General 5u/)erintendent of the purchase of saH petre, brimstone and patty, with salary of Colonel and State Geologist. The difficulty of finding men m the state ca- pable for all these positions, is my only excuse for bestowing them all on one person. In addition, I have appointed every physician in the state as Assistant Surgeons in the army, and would be glad to appoint more if we had them. GRANDILOQUENT CONCLUSION, In conclusion, allow me to congratulate the country and the rest of mankind on the wisdom of my administration, for at no period of our history, since the days when Josephus overran Constantinople with the force pump of destruc- tion, or when Don Quixote rode Roz}nante,like a hero on a rainbow, or like A CONTRABAND SMUGGLING POHK INTO CANADA and Sancho Pansa with cabrellos among the tall cedars of Lebanon — I repeet, at no time since the above incidents, and the shelling of the Mammoth Cave of Kentucky, have the people been so abundantly governed — never since Jonak swallowed the whale, or since the im- mortal Confucius conceived the puhlime idea of the Oriental Evanic Order — have the people had such cause for a grateful i*emembranoe of bouncing taxes, non-requited confidence — and E riuribuB Unum, magnates who so gentlemanly and quietly pluck their fleece, without the loss of a single glory, and I look forward, with eyes sparkling and mouth watering, to that day of official millenium When all good fellows shall be able to "hold their oats," regardless of the amount of "wa- ter in the tank"— wl m awberries and cream shall be hid for the af .ing, — when milk and honey, molasses and flapjacks — fat offices, ne duties and high salaries — shall be the rule and not the exception — when investigating commit- tees shall be numbered among the things that wat, and the troubled politician shall retire up- on his laurels, and seek that repose which comes only from full bellies, and no questions asked — when the great American eagle shall once more flap his defiant wings, and perch unmolested on every tree top in the Union, and when salt pe- tre, brimstone and well tempered steel (be care- ful of the orthography) shall bring every trai- tor to his knees, and give this glorions Union, Univ,ed, a free pass to the haven of unadulter- ated peace, to a thrice multiplied eternity. 10 CODICIL TO THE MESSAGE. The Governor of all the Sovereigns desires ! it to be read of all men that the follow iug Flag is his style^ both now, hereafter, and forever, without any discount — Amen ! ■WboeTer dares that Flag displace. Must meet "The Governor" face to face •, Whoever dares insult that Flag, I'll strip his back of every rag. ADDITIONAL APPOINTMENTS. Andrew Enough Elmore, as Consul to the Kingdom of Mukwanago. Charley Holt, bearer of dispatches to the Confederate Congress, with full power to negO' ciate for arming the contrabands with revolving tooth picks, pikes and other blunderbusses. Monsieur Tonson, as Commissionor of School Land Patents. Sally Ann Comfort, and the Widow Bedotte, as Vivandiers to the 25th Regiment of Wet Nurses. Billuel Welch, as Minister Penipotentiary to Utah, providing he can oveicome his scruples against the Twin Relics, though I think a little experience will settle the matter. PRIZE CONNUODRUM. Why is this Legislature like the Saviour of of mankind? Because some Jewish sinners are endeavor- ing to crucify it between two stts of forty thieves. The Committee on Smelling and Tasting— Practising at the Bar— or,? Con- suls at Shanghai. 11 A Hungry Outsider. Government Steamboat Contractor, or Good Enough Morgan till the Treasury gives out. THE BALL IS ROLLING. The above illustrates a Regiment of Ring.Boned Horse Speculators and Shoddy Contractors, rolling on the Ball of Plunder. \ 12 A BABBBR-OUS PEIZB TIGHT— BETWEEN A CONTRABAND AND ARMY BARBHR. Both Bides fight desperately over a lather box, containing $1,200,000. Scyeral barber-ously wounded, but as yet nobody seriously killed. 1? 7 I've ?ot my pile — who dare fay I'm not p«t- riotio ? y. The Way the Money G oes, or, Exodus of a Shoddy Contractor. BiOTH SCADIRO TRB 80TBKBI IX 8 MESSAaS. AKD OLOBTIRO OTS» HIS APPOIHTHBiiT. id /loi] UPB AJSXt DOWVS Of A POLITIOIABr Tl^B Bid* op— '(other aid« down. 14 AN AE-GOOSE, Meditating an attack on the Currency Ques- tion, and other Political Botherations. AMINIDAB SLEEE Esnmine3 his Ledger, and finds that hia pat* riot ism in Shoddy Contracts has proved a 'Big Thing." Settles the Qaestion of Domest.o Dutief. 15 J TALUABLB PUECHA8ES. Last summer I selected the most expert finan ciers (whom 1 employed, under the war making power, as wet nurses) to purchase shoes for the •'poor soldiers." I acted in this as I did in the pu'^lic printing — that is, I selected persons who knew nothine of the business, and hence nobody can say they meant to cheat, or could if they would. As to their getting cheated, what's that to anybody, so long as /A^?/ lost nothing. A firstrate quality of shoes was purchased, which contained more glue, brown paper and pine shavings than any other lot furnished to the army, and notwithstanding all this, the Patriot and other "secession" sheets are findijr fault, for which I have directed the "State Paper No. 2" to place them on the rebel black list, for I am Bare no loy^il person would ridicule even a poor soldier's shoe, or a soldier's poor shoe. I have commi*sioned Jo. Mills as Poet Laure- ate, with the rank nnd pay of corporal, but I fear there may be some trouble about his confirma- tion, on the ground that he is most illiterally deficient, since he spelis "steel" with an a in place of the latter e. This muy be an objection at first, as it has been with most of my appoint- ees, but a few weeks in the harness invariably cures that defect. I therefore urge his confir- mation. SMALL BUSINESS. I confefls that shoddy shoes hava been pur- chased and other suspicious things done, but I consider it "small business" for the Legislature to spend the dear people's money in investi- gating such matters. My appointees Never feel the>halter draw, With (tooil opinion of the law, Or the law makers either; therefore, Messrs. Solons, dry up and let us alone. A HIDNIQHT POLITICIAN — BEFOKB SLBCTION. AROTBKB — ATTtB BLBCTION — TWO A. M. MADISON PATRIOT OFMCB PRINT. A LIFE-LIKE PORTRAIT OF AN ARMT SUTLER, " On to Glory or the Grave ! " " Freemen, to the Rescue ! " Grand P. S.— Those who feel themselves ag- grieved, will introduce " The Gov." to the St. Nicholas, and order LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 013 762 932 A 4^^