The Spirit of Captain Kidd HARRY L NEWTON'S One-Act Comedy Sketches, Monologues and Dramatic Episodes A Rose of Mexico A Pair Of Pants A Jack And His Queen An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch Chatter Monologue for Males Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch Family Secrets Monologue Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode Keep Your Eye On The Ball Comedy Sketch Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch What Every Woman Thinks She Knows Suffragette Monologue Price, 25 Cents Each M. WITMARK & SONS, Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, New York THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD A Vaudeville Playlet in Two Scenes, By HARRY L. NEWTON Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK <& SONS Iniernaiional Copyright Secured M. WITMARK Sc SONS Publishers Witmark Building, 144-146 W. 37th Street, New York CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS Professional performing rights reserved THE SPIRIT OY CAPTAIN KIDD. Note. — The acting rights of this Playlet are ex- pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom Theatrical Managers and performers who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur representation may be made without such application and without charge. CHARACTERS : Timothy McSorley An Irish Laborer Hi. Grass A Regular Rube Locality. — Scene I. — A wrecked building. Scene II. — Interior of the Treasure Cave. Time. — The present. : 77^/^9^-^X07^/-^ )I,D 3431(i SYNOPSIS. Timothy McSorley, an Irish laborer engaged in tearing down an old house, said to be the residence at one time of the notorious Captain Kidd, becomes highly interested in the stories told him by one Hi. Grass, of the whereabouts of buried treasure in the ruins. Finally he turns up a tin box containing written instructions to the finder to repair at once to Grasshopper Hollow on the Coast of Maine, and to search in a certain cave where a vast treasure lies concealed. "(Signed) McCarthy."" Scene II shows the cave where, after a week's travel on foot, the two heroes arrive and immedi- ately set to work to discover the treasure. Here again is a tin box unearthed, this time filled with "rocks." A note is found, hoping the treasure hunters would appreciate the joke. "(Signed) Mc- Carthy.''' COSTUMES. Timothy McSorley — Typical Irish hod-carrier make-up, not a burlesque one. Hi. Grass — Typical Rube make-up. Wears three medals on his coat. DIAGRAM OF STAGE.. O.R.C. CO. t>.L.C RUE.! .J f^.Z.EJ Ri.^y a/ R.c. c. L.C, \ AUDIENCH. L. I. E. — Left first entrance. R. I. E. — Right first entrance. Iv. U. E. — Left upper entrance. C. — Centre of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. L. C. — Left centre of stage. C. D. — Centre doer D. R. C. —Door right centre. D. L. C— Door left centre. THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Scene I is the ruins of the foundation of a build- ing that has just been torn down. Bricks are scat- tered about, as are also pieces of lumber, timbers, etc. Scene II is the interior of a cave, on the coast of Maine, wherein is supposed to be buried treasure, placed there by Captain Kidd, the Pirate. The debris that is used in Scene I must be so ar- ranged that it can be instantaneously transformed into rocks for the interior effect in cave scene. At rise of curtain, Grass is discovered, seated on piece of timber, whittling a stick. He can introduce a song if desired. Enter McSorley, pickaxe on shoul- der, coat on arm. Grass — Afternoon, Mac. (Tim pays no atten- tion to Grass, but takes coat, folds it carefully, then looks about for a place to hang it; then, finding none, he takes coat and carefully wipes pick with it, then throzvs coat in dirt on the ground.) What in thunder did you do that fer? Tim (Apparently just discovering Grass) — Oh, it's you, is it? And what did I do what fer? Grass — Wipe yer pickaxe off with yer coat. Tim— It's very evident that yez are not a first- class workman. Sure and I'm the man who must have clean tools to do good work. (Begins to pick.) THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Grass (Laughing) — By heck! but ye remind me of a feller that was m our company in '6i. Guess I never told ye 'bout him. Well, one day in '6i at the battle of Bunker Hill — Tim {Interrupting) — What's that ye say ? B'gor- ry, ye have yer history twisted. The battle of Bunker Hill was not fit in '6i. Grass — No? Tim — No, and ag'in no. The battle of Bunker Hill was fit in 1875, two years before the World's Fair in Hoboken. Grass — Waal, waal, maybe yer right. My mem'ry ain't what it used ter be. Anyhow, I'll never fergit that day. Colonel Roosevelt came gallopin' up ter me at the battle of Bunker Hill — Tim — Hold on, hold on! Grass — Now what's the matter? Tim — Y're twisted ag'in. Is it Teddy Roosevelt ye mean ? Grass — That's the man— Teddy Roosevelt. Tim {Laughs) — Man alive, Teddy Roosevelt was runnin' fer President fer the first time agin Bryan during the battle of Bunker Hill. Grass — Waal, waal, how time does fly ! Tim — Yes, it does with a liar like you. But I have no time to gossip away with the likes of ye. {Picks a few times, then stops.) B'gorry, 'tis dry work, this. {Eyes Grass significantly, hut Grass pays no heed and continues whittling and whistling softly.) I sez to meself a minute ago, sez I: "B'gorry, 'tis dry work, this." Did yez hear me, Mr. Grass? THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Grass — Nope. I don't never butt-in on folks when they be talkin' to themselves, Mr. McSorley. Tim — Do yez remember v^^hat the Governor of South Carolina said to the Governor of North Car- olina ? Grass — Nope. My mem'ry ain't as good as it used ter be once. Tim — Well, I'll tell yez. 'Tis another bit of his- tory. The Governor of South Carolina sez to the Governor of North Carolina : "Me boy, here's ten cents and a can. 'Tis a long way to the Dutch- man's, and I'm dry, so git a move on yez." Grass — Waal, do tell! And what did the Gov- ernor of North Carolina say? 1»IM — Man alive, have yez no imagination? Grass — Yes, but I have no ten cents. Now if I was~gittin' a dollar a day like you — Grass — Then I'd have enough to wet my whistle. Tim — Yer a liar! I git a dollar-ten. Besides, it ain't five minutes ago since ye went down to the Dutchman's. By hen, why don't ye be tem- perate like me ? I was readin' in the paper yester- day the expense drink was to the workin' man. If a man was temperate and put all his money in a house and lot instead of a saloon, he'd be surprised how quick he'd own a home of his own. Tim (Takes a couple of picks with pick-axe. then) — Do ye drink? Grass — Ye bet yer boots I don't! Tim — Then where's yer house and lot? (Tim picks and Grass whittles vigorously, then) : THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Grass — Ye ain't got much more work wreckin' this buildin', have ye ? Tim — It looks purty well wrecked now, don't it? Say, what the devil interest have ye got in this buildin*, anyhow ? Ye been hangin' round here ever since we started to tear it down ? Grass — What'd they tear it down fer ? Tim — Aw, ter build ye a home with the money ye saved by not drinkin'. Grass — Some folks are too smart. Say, when ye git through here I kin git ye a job tearin' down a church. How much will ye do it fer? Tim — Protestant or Catholic church? Grass — Protestant. Tim — I'll make no charge whatsoever. But ye ain't answered my question yit. Why have ye been hangin' around this place? Grass (Mysterious manner) — Maybe I'll tell ye and agin maybe I won't. Say, do ye know who used to live in this here buildin'? Tim — A devil a bit do I know or care. Grass {Rises, then steps about and looks around in mysterious manner) — Sh ! {Puts finger on lips.) Tim {looking about and then at Grass, fright- ened) — The same to ye and many of them. Grass — Sh ! Tim — What! Twice in the same place? Grass — One of the greatest explorers in the world lived almost on the spot where ye are now standin'. Tim — Oh, one of them fellers that go lookin' fer the North Pole on other folks' money? THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Grass — Yes, that's them. Tim — And that's the reason they never find the North Pole. Grass — What's the reason ? Tim — Other folks' money. As long as there's folks to furnish money to them explorers, a devil a chance has the North Pole ever ter be discovered. Grass — Sh! (Finger on lips.) Tim (Startled)— Whsit? Agin? Grass — They do say as how this here explorer man was a treasure hunter. Tim — Oho! Is it so? Grass — Yes, siree ! And they do say as how he discovered buried treasures in far-off places. Now, then, where is it? Tim (Looking uneasily about) — If yez mean me, yez kin search me good. Grass — Folks think maybe I'm a fool, but I know a thing or two when I meet it, with a bell on. That explorer chap left a treasure somewhere, and I'm goin' ter discover that discoverer's treasure. Tim (Picking up- pick) — Well, I wish ye luck. But in the meantime, Mr. Grass, I'll be gettin' my dollar-ten a day. Grass — Sh! (Mysterious manner.) Tim (Angrily) — Say, stop that! I can't do fine work with that kind of noise in me ears. Grass — I just want to impress this matter on yer mind. Tim — Then talk like a man, not like a seltzer bottle. Grass — Listen ! Me and you must search these 10 THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD here ruins and find that there treasure. And we must do it this here very afternoon before it gits dark. Tim (Sarcastically) — Oh, must we! Grass — Oh, waal, if ye don't want ter git rich quick 'tain't my fault. Pm satisfied that there's a treasure buried in this here ground, and it might as well be ours as the next feller's. Tim (Scratching head doubtfully) — Well, I dunno ; y're such a liar nobody kin believe ye. Grass — Why, I never told a lie in all my life. Tim — Man alive, there ye go with another whop- per ! Say, what the devil be them three medals on yer coat fer? (Indicates medals on Grass' coat.) Grass (Looking down at medals proudly) — Oh, them? Waal, this first one I got fer jumpin' over Niagara Falls. Tim— Ye don't tell me. Grass — Certain sure. This other one I got fer jumpin' back agin. Tim — Yes, man, but there's two ye have. Grass — Oh, I couldn't make it in one jump! Tim (Angrily) — And after that ye expect me ter dig fer treasure! Be on yer way, man, before I knock what little sense ye have left out of that blockhead of yours. (Threatens him with pick.) Grass (Draws back, frightened, and sits timidly on timber. Stage is darkened a little) — It's grow- in' dark, Mac. Opportunity knocks but once on a man's door. Tim — Shut up before I knock ye on the head with me pick. (Picks about on ground.) Go and THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD jump over Niagara Falls agin — and fergit to jump back. Grass — Listen to me. Tim (Interrupting) — I have listened to yez long enough. I got me work ter do. (Commences to pick vigorously.) Grass (To be delivered rapidly yet forcibly) — Yes, and that's all ye do from mornin' till night, day in and day out. Let me tell ye what ye do: Ye git up in the mornin' at four-thirty, wash and dress yerself ; light the kitchen fire ; wash and dress yer four children ; help yer wife with the breakfast ; carry in coal fer the day, fill up yer wife's wash- tubs, wash yer kids agin so they can go to school ; whip yer oldest boy a couple of times ; wash out yer workin' clothes and hang up the clothes line ; mow the grass in the front yard ; milk yer goats ; wash yer four kids agin so the Board of Health won't git 'em ; put up yer dinner in yer old dinner pail ; tramp two or three miles to yer work so's ye kin have a nickel fer the Dutchman ; carry the hod or swing the pick ten hours ; walk back home agin to save a nickel for the Dutchman agin ; wash yer face and hands, also the four kids agin ; carry the day's washin' in fer yer wife, then take down the clothes lines ; whip the oldest boy agin fer bein' bad all day; wash the four kids agin fer supper; start up the kitchen fire so's yer wife can make yer sup- per; set the table fer supper; wash the kids agin fer supper; milk the goats fer milk fer supper; wash the kids agin fer supper and set 'em up to the table and feed 'em ; chase down to the Dutch- THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD • man's fer a pail of beer; come back and wash the kids agin and git 'em ready fer bed ; put 'em to bed and whip the oldest boy fer lickin' one of the others — and then ye go to bed and sleep, if the kids will let ye. And that's yer bill of fare, day in and day out. Am I right? Tim (Meanzvhile has taken out a pipe, lights It, and smokes while Grass is reciting the foregoing, leaning on his pick the while. Lights are lowered a little more) — Yes, but outside of that I have very little to do. (This, if worked up properly, should prove a tremendous laugh.) Grass {Falling hack in astonishment) — Oh, Lord! {Mimics Tim, and repeats) : "Outside of that I have very little to do." {Laughs.) Tim — What's so funny? Grass {Rises, takes medals off his coat, and pins them on Tim) — I ain't got no right to medals. They all belong to ye. Tim — I'm much obliged to yez fer nothin'. Grass {Suddenly catching Tim's arm and point- ing at ground with other hand) — Look! Look! By cracky ! What's that ? Tim {Startled)— Whtvtl What? Who? Grass — The treasure — as sure as sin! {Makes move to pick up tin box.) Tim {Grabs him) — Stop, man, it don't belong to ye ! I'm in charge of the works here — and I'll take charge of any treasure. {Picks up tin box, holds it up, and scans it critically.) B'gorry, it ain't so 13 THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD heavy ! There can't be over a milHon dollars in pennies in it. Grass (Excitedly) — Open it and see. Tim — Easy, easy! Ye mind yer own business. I'm an honest man — and, besides, the box is locked. (To be highly effective, stage lights should he almost all out, using a small flood to be thrown on the two men.) Grass (Lights a match and holds flame to box. Reads) — "To whom it may concern." (To Tim) Why, that's us! Open her up. (Takes box from Tim, pries lid open, and looks in.) Tim (Looking over his shoulder) — That's a fine treasure, Mr. Grass. A piece of paper — that's all. Grass (Taking paper out) — Don't be so sure. Light a match, while I take a squint. Tim (Lights match and hands it to Grass) — Here, I'll read it meself. (Reads) : 'T, the under- signed, Daniel McCarthy, Irish (and hope the finder is also), do hereby solemnly swear that the con- tents of this paper are the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so here goes : On the coast of Maine, near Grasshopper Hollow, is a cave. The finder of this (and I hope, again, he's Irish) must go at once to cave and search for tin box, which contains a vast treasure, buried there by Captain Kidd. Walk sixteen feet from entrance and then three feet to left, dig, and what you find is yours. (Signed) McCarthy." (Two or three matches may be used in the reading of paper.) Grass (Excitedly) — There, didn't I tell ye? 14 THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD< Tim — B'gorry, I think yer right fer once. This letter was written by an Irishman, and an Irishman never told a lie. (Picks up his pick and coat from ground and starts off.) Grass — Where ye goin' ? Tim — To git that treasure. Grass (Starting) — I'm with ye. Tim — Stop, man! It sez in the paper that an Irishman is ter git the money — not a Rube. Grass — But, gosh ! it's a hundred miles to Grass- hopper Hollow. Ye ain't got no money, and you'll have ter walk it. Tim (Scratching head reflectively) — That's so. Well, you better come along, then. If it's a hun- dred miles fer me to walk, it'll only be fifty miles apiece fer the two of us. Come along. (Both exit. Dark stage. Scene is transformed to the cave interior.) SCENE II. interior of cave, a week later. (Enter Tim, followed by Grass. They both ap- pear exhausted. Tim is carrying pick on shoulder.) Tim — Come on, Grass; this must be the place. Grass (Groans and sinks wearily to floor) — By hen, I'm all in ! Don't 'pear like I kin go another step. Tim (Sitting down on rock) — We only got six- teen feet one way and three feet another way to go yet — leastwise, so the paper sez. Grass — Dern the paper ! I never did put in such THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD ^^ a week in all my life. Nothin' but walk, walk, walk, ever since we left home, and nothin' in my stomach to walk on, either. That's the all-firedest hundred miles I ever seen. Tim— Yes ; but, thank Peter, we're here now, and all we got ter do is dig up the money and ride back home agin in varnished cars and settin' on elegant cushions with colored gentlemen to wait on us ; and nothin' ter do but eat corned beef and cabbage fer the rest of our lives. Grass — I don't want no corned beef and cabbage. All my life I just longed to be rich enough some time to have pie fer breakfast, the year in and year out. Tim — Well, yer longin' will come true, all right. (Looks about.) B'gorry, 'tis a mysterious-lookin' place, this. Grass — Yes ; it looks just like Captain Kidd was a-goin' ter walk in any minute and say: "Good mornin', gents; what kin I do fer ye?" Tim (Looking nerz'ously about) — Sure, and I hope he don't butt-in fer a few minutes. Grass — He ain't likely to. He's been dead some years. Tim— Is that so? B'gorry, I didn't know he'd been sick, even. Say, what business was the Cap. in when he was alive? Grass (Mysterious manner) — Sh ! Tim (Startled) — There ye go with that hissin' agin. 16 THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Grass (Impressively) — Captain Kidd was a pi- rate. Tim (Interested, and smiling broadly) — So? And what was the Cap.'s battin' average? Grass — Say, Captain Kidd was no ball player. He was a pirate on the ocean. He robbed folks and killed them, and then buried his ill-gotten gains. That's the kind of a feller Captain Kidd was. (Im- pressively, and glancing nervously about) And they do say as how his spirit guards his buried treas- ures. Tim (Looking about) — Well, the Cap.'s spirit must be off watch now. I ain't seen him about no- w^here. Grass — Don't ye be too sure. Spirits are mighty pesky, mysterious things. Just about as we go monkeyin' with that treasure box, his spirit is liable to strike us. (Uneasily glancing about.) Tim (Likewise uneasy) — Sure, I hope he's Irish. I might square it with him. But I kin see no use in settin' here shiverin' in our shoes. We might as well git busy and find the Cap.'s gold. Grass — Yes ; ye go ahead, and I'll keep watch near the door. (Gets up and stands by cave en- trance.) Tim (Rising) — Oh, ye want ter be close to the door, eh? Well, I'll have ye to understand that if we share this treasure, we'll share the danger, too. Come on down here beside me. Grass (Comes slowly down) — 'Tain't that I'm skeered. 17 THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD Tim (Sarcastically)' — Oh, no, of course not! Now stand quiet till I measure off the sixteen feet. (Picks up pick and goes to cave entrance, then turns and paces off sixteen feet.) There's the six- teen. Now, then, three feet to the left. (Takes a step to left. A large rock should he placed in this spot and a tin box behind it, hidden from view of audience.) Grass (Nervously) — I wish we had more light here. Tim (Sarcastically) — Oh, ye do? Well, turn on the electric lights then, or ring fer the butler ter do it. Say, ye don't deserve to have money. Now watch me get rich quick, Mr. Grass. (Strikes rock with pick and a Hash of light illumines cave. He drops pick, frightened.) Grass (Shaking)— Oh, gosh, Mr. Spirit, talk to Mr. McSorley ; he's the Irishman. Tim — Shut up, will ye ! That was nothin' but me pick strikin' flint in the rock. I've seen that a thou- sand times in quarries. Grass — I hope y're right; but I wish this was over and we was back in our own home agin. Tim — Grass, don't be a quitter. Stand firm while I soak that rock agin. Grass — All right, I'll stand firm. (Knees knock together violently.) (Tim strikes rock two or three times with pick, and each time lightning effect is produced from wings. Grass covers his eyes and exhibits fright. At fourth or fifth stroke of pick there is a loud 18 THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD explosion, and Grass and Tim fall to floor. Then Grass rises and dashes madly out of cave. Tim slowly sits up, rubs eyes, etc.) Tim — B'gorry, where am I, and what happened me? {Looks about, and then at rock; then jumps excitedly toward it, gets tin box from back of rock and drags it to centre stage.) By Saint Peter, it's the treasure-box ! {Calls excitedly) Gv2.ss\ Grass! Grass {Outside) — I got a dern good start fer home, and I guess I'll keep goin'. Tim — Ye kin go ter blazes if ye want to ; I'll keep all this money meself. {Looks at box.) It's purty soon it'll be that I'll know the true feelin's of the rich. No more carryin' the hod or swingin' the pick. I'll have colored gentlemen to wait on me, and Germans to fetch me my beer; and Jews to make me nice clothes, and dagoes to play Irish tunes fer me, and — But what's the anticipatin'. I'll feast me eyes on the treasure and then — {Pries open box, which is filled with common stones, takes out a stone, holds it up and looks at it.) What the hell kind of money do yez call that? {Throws it down.) Nothin' but a common, ordinary, everyday rock, or I'm a goat. {Empties box on floor.) And every one is the same. Hello, what's this? {Picks up a piece of paper. Reads) : "To whom it may concern." {Speaks) That's the same as was in the other box. {Reads) : *T hope the finder of this box is Irish. None but the true Irish can appreciate a good joke. The finder of this box is entitled to all the 'rocks' it contains. 'Rocks' is slang for THE SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD ^^ money. See the joke? Now, laugh ! Yours truly, Daniel McCarthy/'' (Tim slowly lays paper on Hoar, then thought- fully pulls out pipe and tobacco, lights pipe and takes a few thoughtful puffs, then suddenly is struck with an idea, and calls to Grass.) Tim — Grass ! Oh, Grass ! Come here ! Grass {Sticks head in door) — Well? Tim — Come here once. (Grass comes to TiMt Tim takes medals from his vest and hands them to Grass.) Here, take these medals and find Daniel McCarthy. They belong to him — not me. curtain. HARRY NEWTON'S ONE-ACT COMEDY SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES "DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY."' An East Side episode for i male and i female, by Harry L. Newton. Tells a delightful story of a young college grad- uate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell, a little East Side street singer, living in Paradise Alley, New York. A charming little playlet in which comedy and pathos are beautifully blended. The specialties introduced throughout the playlet are at the option of the performers. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "AN INVITATION TO THE BALL." A comedy sketch in i scene for i male and i female, by Harry L. Newton. Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- son, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsell, the daughter of his master, who has made up her mind to attend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "A ROSE OF MEXICO." A comedy-dramatic playlet of Mexican life, by Harry L. Newton. An original dramatic playlet for i male and i female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico. The story is of absorbing interest centered around Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned from school in the United States. Pedro, a Mex- ican youth, has turned bandit in her absence to se- cure money enough to ask her to marry him. He discovers that she loves one Frank Carter, a young engineer. He threatens Carter's life and at the same time admits that he has stolen the pay roll, which Carter may be accused of stealing. By stratagem she obtains his bowie knife and revolver and compels him to give up the stolen money, sav- ing her sweetheart's honor thereby. 25 Cents Postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 86 Witmark Bldg. 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