LOVEBIRD'S MATRIMONIAL AGENCY DICK & HTZGERALD, Publishers, NEW YORK. PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH T CRANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1}^ hoars 6 GERTRUDE MASON, M.r>. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 CHEERFUL. COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; SO minutes 4 MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour .' 8 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. lAct;2hours 30 PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. (85 cents.) 2 Acts; IJ^ hours 9 MERRY OLD MAIDS. (S5 cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY J5 CENTS EACH M APRIL. FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 6 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. J Act; 20 minutes 3 WANTED, 4. MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes. 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes.../. 6 SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKT. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial, 22 GREAT I^IBEIi CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; IJ^ hours DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street. N Y Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency A ^am in ©tte ^tt Arranged for tlje American ^tage By HAROLD SANDER Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald V NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 Ann Street -^^^;;^^^ w TMP96-006640 ©C1.0 41408 AUG 3 1915 LOVEBIRD'S MATRIMONIAL AGENCY CHARACTERS. Dick Harrison An ingenious but impecunious youth Obadiah Buncher Dick's uncle DuGALD MacTavish A real Scot Selina Smithers A ladij of uncertain age Mrs. Mudge Di4:-k's landlady Alice Everton Dick's sweetheart Maria " Slavey " at Mrs. Mudge's Time. — The present. Locality. — ISiear London, Eng. Time of Playing. — Thirty minutes. COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. Dick Harrison. Should be played in a breezy go-ahead, irresistible style, not exactly taking all the stage, but keeping up an atmosphere of brightness and viv^aeity throughout. He wears ordinary morning clothes. Obadiah Buncher. Dick's uncle, elderly, stout, and red- faced. Wears a large check suit. Dugald MacTavish. A real Scot. Fiery red hair and side whiskers, shepherd's plaid trousers, Tani O'Shanter. 3 4 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. Selina Smithers. Very prim and old-maidish costume, wearing a veil. Mrs. Mudge. A stout, elderly woman. Wears print gown and apron. Alice Everton. Ordinary walking dress. Maria. Soiled print wrapper and apron. Face smudged with soot, hair in curl-papers. INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. Duster for Maria. Newspaper for Mrs. Mudge. Hand-bag containing a beard and blue spectacles for Dick Harrison. Purses and coins for Miss Smithers, Mr. Buncher and Mr. MacTavish. STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, e., means right-hand, l., left-hand. LOVEBIRD'S MATRIMONIAL AGENCY SCENE i—Neathj furnished parlor at Mrs. Mudge's. Doors at R and L. Papers, pen, ink, etc., on taUe. DISCOVERED Maria busily dusting furniture. Sinks into chair, fanning herself tvith duster. Maria Oh, dear, oh, dear, it's work, work, work, from morning till night with me, and old Mudge a-chivvyin' me up and down 'arf the time, and never givin' me five minutes for a si-ester ' And not content with that, it's " Maria, go and wash your face," every time she sees me, as if I 'ad time for sich luxuries! Three shillings a month and my food! But Im a-oin' to strike, I am ! More pay and no work, that's wot 1 want ' But Mr 'Arrison now— 'im wot's got these 'ere rooms— 'e's a'gen'l'man, 'e is, down to the soles of 'is boots! Gives me tuppence every Saturday reg'lar, 'e does! Why, I'll soon be able to buy a bi-cycle ! Oh, I should look lovely on a bi-cycle! (Voice off, "Maria!") Oh, there's old Mudge! (Seizes a chair, turns it upside down, and dusts furiously) ENTER Mrs. Mudge, l., carrying newspaper. Mrs Mudge. Maria ! Ain't you finished dusting yet? Good gracious ! Look sharp, and then— go and wash your face ! Maria (aside). There! Iknowedit! {Dusting busily) Mrs Mudge (sits looking at paper, and soliloquizing. Maria listens). Well, as the poet says, "The die is cast! I ve stood Mr. 'Arrison just too long; week after week 'e's promised to nav up but never the glint of a threepenny-piece do I see . But I won't stand it no longer ! Hout 'e goes and makes room for 'is betters ! 5 6 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. Maria (aside). Wot a shame! Mrs. Mudge. And when 'e's gone, no more gentlemen lodgers for me! Onlj^ a nuisance they are, with their late hours, and their smoking, and their never no money ! But I'm done with 'em! (Looking at paper) 'Ere's my advertisement in this morning's paper — all my own composition! (Reads sloivly) •' Comfortable apartments for single lady. Terms moderate. At No. 14 Bumblebee Buildings. N.B. — No gentlemen need apply." Maria (aside, disgusted). Single lady! I don't want no lady lodgers! Mrs. MudgeJ. That ought to fetch 'em. And when Mr. 'Arrison comes in, I'll just tell him straight (Singing heard off) Oh, law, 'ere 'e is. (Jumping up) ENTER Dick Harrison, r., singing, carrying hand-bag. Dick. Hello, Mrs. Mudge! Ah, the paper! You've seen it, then? You've read the advertisement? Mrs. Mudge. Mr. 'Arrison, I've just been a-reading of it over ; and I tell you straight and plain that I can't put up with these goings-on of yours no longer ! Seven weeks now I've chalked up your bill, and you can't expect any landlady — es- pecially a pore widow woman — to keep a hestablishment going without money Dick (patting her shoulder). But, my dear old Mudge, that's all past and done with ! This new scheme of mine — (Pointing to paper) — will bring in loads of money. I'll pay your bill and give you a fiver into the bargain ! Mrs. Mudge (suspiciously). What new scheme? Dick. What! I thought you had read the advertisement? Mrs. Mudge. The advertisement? Well? Wotever are you talkin' about? Dick. Ah, you haven't read it, then? Give me the paper! (Dick searches through columns, ivatched intently hy Mrs. Mudge and Maria) Here it is! Listen! "Matrimony for the million! The Lovebird Matrimonial Agency. Ladies and gen- tlemen of all ages, classes, and conditions, accommodated with suitable partners for life. Marriages arranged. Courtships catered for. Hymeneal bliss secured. Fees nominal. Happi- ness guaranteed. Apply personally Professor Lovebird, Matri- monial Agent, 14 Bumblebee Buildings." Maria. Great 'evings ! Dick. Eh? (Maria dusts furiously) Lovebird^s Matrimonial Agency. 7 Mrs. Mudge {puzzled). But, good gracious me, what does it all mean? Who and wot is this Professor Lovebird? Dick {striking attitude). I am the man! Maria. Oh, look at the Love-bird ! {Dusts furiously) Dick. Eh? Mrs. Mudge. You? Dick. Yes, I am Professor Lovebird, sole representative of the Lovebird Matrimonial Agency, 14 Bumblebee Buildings; a restorer of shattered affections, a healer of broken hearts, a benefactor to man — and woman — kind ! See advertisement ! *' Fees nominal. Happiness guaranteed ! " Maria. 'Ear, 'ear! Mrs. Mudge. But you ain't no professor ! You don't look like a professor ! Dick. Ah, that's all right ! You forget that I belong to an amateur dramatic club. See! {Takes well-fitting heard and blue spectacles from hand-hag, and slips them on) Behold! Professor Lovebird! {Shrieks of laughter from Maria, who douUes up, holding her sides, stamping about and pointing to Dick) Mrs. Mudge {chasing her out). Maria! Maria! How dare you? Get away and wash your face! (EXIT Maria, r., convulsed and pointing to Dick) Drat the girl! {Returning to Dick) Now, look 'ere, Mr. 'Arrison Dick. Professor Lovebird, if you please! Mrs. Mudge. Oh, bother! I'm all comflusterated ; you've quite took my breath away ! This Matrimonial Agency is all very well, but 'ow is it going to be done? And where does my money and five-pound note come in? Dick. Oh, it's all very simple, Mrs. Mudge. I charge five shillings booking fee, paid in advance, and one guinea from both parties for each marriage successfully arranged. I intro- duce the gentlemen looking for wives to the ladies looking for husbands. Mrs. Mudge {doubtfully). It sounds all right! Dick. All right ! I should think so ! It's a glorious idea ! I tell you, Mrs. Mudge, we'll make our fortunes, and scatter little havens of domestic bliss all over the country. Why, my dear lady, I may even be able to secure a husband for you. There's no reason why a young, handsome, sprightly dame like yourself shouldn't have another plunge into the sea of matri- mony ! Mrs. Mudge {giggles coyly). Oh, go on with ye, Mr. 'Arrison, do ! That tongue of yours would charm the 'eart of a cabbage ! 8 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. (Sighs heavily) Oh, dear no, all sich frivolities is past for me! (Confidentially) Look 'ere, Mr. 'Arrison— I mean Pro- fessor — I'll tell you a secret. I ain't a real widow, but only a " grass " one — that is, I don't know whether my 'usband is dead or only lost! Dick. Indeed, Mrs. Mudge? Mrs. Mudge. And my name ain't Mudge neither, but Mac- Tavish. Ye see, my 'usband was a Scotchman — real Scotch— and 'e was a ship's cook, and used to take me with 'im on 'is voyages. But one night 'e accidentally set the ship on fire— 'e always was a careless man, my 'usband !— and we 'ad to take to the boats. Well, 'e was in one boat and me in another; our lot got picked up by a passing steamer, but I never seed the other boat nor 'im no more. Then I settled down 'ere in my maiden name, Susan Jane Mudge Dick. Yes, yes, that's all very interesting, but I really must get ready to receive my clients. Run along now, like a good soul, and send Maria to me, that I may give her my instruc- tions. (EXIT Mrs. Mudge, r.) Well, now, to prepare for busi- ness ! (Arranges papers, ink, peyis, on table) If I don't carry this affair through satisfactorily, I'll soon find myself in Queer Street! If Uncle Buucher hadn't quarrelled with me and turned me out for falling in love with my Cousin Alice, things would have been vastly different. However, I'm not going to give Alice up, and if I can only keep going until the old boy comes round and forgives me Ah, here's Maria ! ENTER Maria b. Screams with laughter at sight of Dick's disguise. Dick. Stop that, Maria! (Shaking her) Stop it, I say, and listen to me! I may soon be having lots of callers, and you must attend the door promptly and show them in to me. But remember, you mustn't laugh when you see me, and you must call me Professor — Professor Lovebird ! Don't forget, and if you do well you shall have sixpence to yourself on Saturday. Maria. Oh, crickey ! Sixpence! I shall soon 'ave that bi-cycle ! I'll be careful, Mr. 'Arrison — I mean Purfessor ! But, oh, you do look so funny! (Holds her sides, laughing) Dick (impatiently). Oh, get away and wash your face! Maria (groans). Wot, you, too, Mr. 'Arrison— Purfessor ! Well, never mind, a whole half shilling on Saturday ! 'Ooray ! (Ring heard off, r.) Dick. Maria, the door-bell! Quick! (EXIT Maria b.) Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 9 This must be a client ! Now, Professor. (Hastily seats himself at table, before papers, etc.) Makia (off stage). This way, mum. Step right in 'ere. Dick. Ah, a lady! ENTER Miss Selina Smithers and Maria, r. Dick (rising). Ah, good day, madam! Will you take a chair? (Selina Smithers sits. Maria, at back, giggling be- hind hand. Dick goes tip and motions her sternly away. [EXIT Maria r. Smithers (aside, looking around). I suppose this is the room. Dick (sitting). You have called in answer to the adver- tisement in to-day's paper, madam? Smithers (stiffly). I have! Are you the person who adver- tised? Dick. Precisely, madam. And I can guarantee to give you the utmost satisfaction. (Takes pen and paper) Now, if you please, madam, a few particulars. Name? Smithers. My name? Is this quite usual? Dick. Madam, it is absolutely necessary ! You see, I know nothing of you Smithers (shortly). Oh, very well. Selina Smithers. Dick (ivriting). Selina — Smithers. Age? Smithers (indignantly). Age? Not if I know it! How dare you, sir? Dick (looking up at her). Eh? Why not? Oh, very well, madam, just as you please! (Aside) We'll say forty-two. (Writes) Widow or spinster? Smithers (angrily). Sir! What do you mean? This is outrageous ! Dick. My dear lady, if I am to — to accommodate you, you must let me know these things. Smithers (aside). Most extraordinary method of letting rooms! (Aloud) I am an unmarried female, sir! Dick (writes). Unmarried — therefore a spinster. Thank you, madam, I think that will do! And now — er — I always charge a preliminary fee of five shillings, simply as a guar- antee of good faith, Smithers. Indeed ! Well, it is most unusual, sir, but since it is your rule. (Takes out purse and pays money) Dick. Thank you, madam! (Gazes fondly at money and slips it into pocket) 10 Lovebird^s Matrimonial Agency. Smithers. And now, as to your other terms? Dick. One guinea only, if suited, madam. Smithers (aside). I presume he means one guinea per week. (Aloud) I think that will do, and I shall really not be hard to suit. Dick (aside). No, nor the man who marries you! (Aloud) Well, madam, if you will call again Smithers. Call again! What for? I want the matter settled here and now. Dick (aside). She must be getting desperate. And I haven't a single man on my books as yet. (Alotid) Er — now, madam? Smithers. Certainly! Why not? I cannot afford to waste time. I want to be accommodated at once. If I am pleased after a careful inspection, and the arrangements about food and such matters are all right, I should like to take possession without delay. Dick (aside). Well, she is cool — take possession without delay. Very awkward ; but I mustn't lose that guinea. (Aloud) I'm sorry, madam, but — er — the — er — gentleman is not here at the moment. Smithers (aside). Not here? I thought he was the land- lord all the time! (Aloud) But are you not the man ? Dick (startled). Good gracious, no! I am only his — er — agent, you understand. But he — er — may be here at any moment, and if you would care to wait in the next room Smithers. Oh, very well. It's most unusual, but of course I must see him before settling anything. Dick. Certainly, madam. Step this way! (Shows her off, L., and returns. Drops into chair) Well, if all my clients are to be like that one, this is going to be a ticklish job. Fancy that looking for a husband. And actually wanted to marry me ! Well, it's no wonder she's in a hurry to get settled. But I mustn't lose that guinea ; I must fix her up with the first possible man. ( Ring heard off, r. ) And here he comes ! (Alan's voice off, r. Dick starts up, listening) Oh, my pro- phetic soul, my Uncle Obadiah ! What is he doing in town, and how on earth has he found me out? Or, Great Columbus, can he be answering the advertisement, too? Uncle Obadiah looking for a wife? That won't do. If he marries, what will become of me, his heir? Here he comes. Fortunately, he won't know me in this disguise. ENTER Maria and Obadiah Buncheb, b. Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 11 Maria. 'Ere you are, Purfessor, another wictim ! (Aside) Oh, wot a funny old joker! (Dick motions her away) All right— wait till Saturday. . [EXIT r. Dick {loudhj). Good day, sir! Do you wish to see me? BuNCHER {slow and ponderous). Speak oop, please; I'm a leetle hard o' hearin'. Dick (aside). Hard of hearing! I should think he is. (Loudly) Whom have you come to see? BuNCHEB. Have I coom to tea? Oh, no; I'm noan so greedy as that. I've coom to see the Professor. Art 'ee the Profes- sor? Dick (shouting). I'm — Professor — Lovebird — the — Matri- monial Agent. BuNCHER (shaking head). I doan't hear a word 'ee say. Dick (shouting). I'm — Professor — Lovebird — the Matri- monial — Agent. BuNCHER. But I want to know if ye're the man as does the marryin' business? Dick (nodding vigorously). Yes, yes! I supply ladies and gentlemen with partners for life. BuNCHER. A wife? Yes, that's just what I've coom for. Fm Obadiah Buncher, bachelor, wi' plenty o' money ; and bein' oop in town I seed your advertisement and thowt I'd coom along and see if ye could fix me oop wi' a wife. Dick. Ahem ! Sit down, Mr. Buncher. ( Buncher sits. Aside) The amorous old heathen! Just as I feared, he wants to marry, and leave me out in the cold. Well, the only lady " in stock " is likely to scare him out of the idea. (Loudly) Well, Mr. Buncher, I think I can accommodate you ; in fact, I have the very lady that will do for you. Buncher. Two for me? Oh, no thanks. Noan o' your leetle jokes. Professor ! Ha, ha, ha ! One's enough for me. Dick. No, no ; I mean I have the very one here to suit you. Buncher (rising, alai-med). Coming here to shoot me! Look here, Professor, I don't want to get into no trouble over this marryin' business Dick (shouting). Sit down ! (Pushing Bvncueu into chair) It's all right! (Mopping brow) Oh, dear! Now, Mr. Buncher, I always charge a preliminary fee Buncher. Free? Oh, yes, I tell 'ee I'm a bachelor and quite free — — Dick (shouting). No, no! I charge a fee of five shil- lings 12 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. BuNCHER (nodding head). As 'ee say, Professor I'm both free and willin', Dick. Oh, confound the man! (Shouts into Buncher's ear) I charge — a fee — of — five — shillings! BuNCHER. Oh, why, didn't 'ee say that afore? (Takes out purse and counts fee into Dick's hand) Now, Professor, Where's this 'ere lady? Mind 'ee, I've got amazin' good taste for a wench. When I was younger — ha, ha, ha ! — I had a fine lass one time, handsome and terr'ble genteel, but I ain't seed her for twenty-five year. Dick (loudly). I'll fetch the lady. (Aside, going, l.) And I sincerely hope she'll cure your fancy. (Ooes to l. door, calls " Miss Smithers ! " ENTER L. Miss Smithees, with veil down. Dick. This is the gentleman, madam. (Loudly to Buncher) Mr. Buncher, this is the lady. I'll leave you together for a little. [EXIT Dick, b. Smithers (aside). Ah, the landlord at last! Buncher (aside). By goom, my heart's beatin' like a sledge- hammer! (Nervously) Well, ma'am — Miss? Smithers. Well, sir, I shall be glad to come to some under- standing about the rooms. Buncher. Speak oop, if ye please, Miss ; I'm a little hard o* hearin'. (Aside) I wish she'd show me her face. Smithers (loudly). I should like to come to some arrange- ment with you. Buncher (shaking head). I doan't hear a word ye say. Smithers (aside). Bless me, the man is as deaf as a post. (Shouting) I want — to make some — arrangement Buncher. Derangement? No, there ain't nothing wrong wi' me. Miss; I'm sound o' wind and limb. (Aside) I wish I could see her face. Smithers (aside). What an extraordinary creature! Whatever does he mean? I must try again. (Loudly) I'm extremely pleased with what I've seen of the rooms Buncher. Eh? Smithers (shouting). I'm extremely — pleased — with what — I've seen Buncher. D'ye say so, Miss? Now, that's very kind o' ye: But I'm noan such a bad-lookin' chap. And I can return the compliment, only I'd like to see your pretty face. If ye'd be good enough to put oop tha veil, Miss Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 13 Smithers. Sir! How dare you? You are insulting ! BUNCHER (aside). I doan't hear a word she says, but mebbe she's a bit shy, like me. I must gi'e her a bit o' encourage- ment. (To Smithers) Put oop tha veil, my dawty, and let me see if 'ee hast a face for kissin' Smithers (starting up). Oh, you wretch! You horrid creature ! I won't be left alone with you. I must summon as- sistance! (Rings hell furiously) ENTER Maria, b. Buncher (rising and approaching Smithers). What are 'ee doin'? I only wanted to ask 'ee Smithers. Keep off! Don't come near me, you — you mon- ster! Maria (sJiouts). 'Elp! 'elp ! Master Dick — Mr. 'Arrison^ Purfessor ! They're goiu' to fight ! 'Elp ! 'elp ! Dick rushes in and goes to Smithers. Maria clings to Bun*- cher's coat-tails, shouting, "'Elp! 'elp!" Dick, in dumh- show, apologizing to and pacifying Smithers, gets her off, L. Buncher (to Maria). Get off, you noisy warmit! Run away and wash your face. Maria. Well, I never! You, too! [EXIT indignantly, nose in air, r. Buncher. Look 'ee here. Professor, what's wrong wi' that there crittur? I'll be gormed if I said anything Dick. Perhaps not, Mr. Buncher, but it's evident you two would never agree. (Aside) Just as I hoped. (Aloud) Better luck next time. Now, just go into this other room un- til I think what's to be done. (Shotvs Buncher off, r.) Phew ! If this goes on I'll soon have every room in the house filled with dissatisfied clients. However, I'm glad Uncle Oba- diah and Miss Smithers didn't make it up ; but I must pair her off with somebody, for I can't afford to lose the guinea. If I only had another man. (Ring heard off, r.) Ah, who's this? If it's a man, he's got to marry old Smithers. ENTER R. Maria and MacTavish. Maria. 'Ere's another, Purfessor! Mr. MacTartan, from Skye — hooch ay ! 14 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. MacTavish. MacTavish, my wee bantam ! Dugald Mac- Tavish! Professor, hoo's a' wi' ye? (Shakes hands ivith Dick. Makia, at back, executes Highland fling) Dick. Maria, get out! MacTavish. Awa' an' wash your face! [EXIT Maria r. Dick. Sit down, Mr. MacTavish. What can I do for you? MacTavish. Weel, Professor, I'm a weedower, but, seein' your adver-tisement, I thocht I micht risk anither yin. Dick. Very good. But before we go any further, Mr. Mac- Tavish, my preliminary fee is five sliillings. MacTavish (whistles). Whew! Five bob ! It's a hantle o' money, Professor. Five shillin's — I could buy a heap o' ither usefu' things wi' that. Could ye no mak' it three and sax- pence? Dick. No, that is my lowest figure. Surely, Mr. MacTavish, if I find you a handsome wife MacTavish. Ah, weel, if it maun be. (Slowly produces purse and reluctantly pays money) But it's a hantle o' money. And noo, Professor, what have ye got? Dick. Fortunately, I have a most charming lady — just your style — at present on the premises. I'll present her to you, but remember, Mr. MacTavish, she is rather coy, and you mustn't be backward, but bold and dashing in your courtship. " Faint heart never won fair lady," you know. MacTavish. Ay! I'll dae my best. (Dick goes to l. door and calls Miss Smithers) ENTER Miss Smithers, unveiled. Dick. This is Mr. MacTavish. Mr. MacTavish — Miss Smithers. Now, allow me to withdraw. (Going out, r. Aside, hand extended to them) Bless you, my children, bless you! Smithers. Well, I hope you are the right man at last. You are the third I've seen about it this afternoon. MacTavish (aside). That's no' a bad start for a shy lass. (Aloud) I hope I may say I am the richt man, Miss. Smithers. And what have you to say to my proposal? MacTavish (aside). Dod, she's fairly goin' it! But the Professor said I wasna to be late. (Winking at Miss Smith- ers) I say, ye're jist a wee peach. Smithers (horrified). What, sir? MacTavish (aside). That's the coyness the Professor spak' o'. But here goes again. (Aloud) Ay, ye're jist a rael wee divert. Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 15 Smithers. Mr. MacTavish ! MacTavish. That's me. (MacTavish ivinks and blows her a kiss) Smithers (turning aivay indignantln). Gracious me! Is this a lunatic asylum I've got into? MacTavish (aside) The Professor said I was to be bold and dashin'. (Crosses to Miss Smithers and puts aim round her) Gie's a wee bit kiss, ma wee (Miss Smithers starts up, screaming loudly) ENTER r., Buncher, hurriedly, followed by Mrs. Mudge, Dick, and Maria. Buncher (rushing forward to Miss Smithers and pushing MacTavish away). What art 'ee about, red-head, frightenin' the lady? (Turns to Miss Smithers and sees her face) Great Golosh! I'm gormed if it ain't Selina Smithers, ma owd lass o' twenty-five year ago ! Smithers. What! Can it be ? It is — it is — my long- lost lover — Obadiah! (They embrace) Mrs. Mudge (staring at MacTavish). If that ain't my missing 'usband, MacTavish, I'm a porpuss! (Advancing to MacTavish ) Dugald ! MacTavish (recognising her). Gosh, it's no Susie? Oh, come to ma airms ! (They embrace) Buncher (to Miss Smithers). Selina, my lass, ye're as handsome and terr'ble genteel as ever. Coom and tell me where ye've been. [EXEUNT, lovingly, l. MacTavish (to Mrs. Mudge). Susie, my bonnie wee daisy, I thocht ye were drooned. Come an' tell me a' aboot it. [EXEUNT, lovingly, E. Maria (staring after Mrs. Mudge and MacTavish). Well, I never ! Dick (staring after Buncher and Miss Smithers). Well, I'm — ahem! — confounded! (Sinks into chair) Maria, Look 'ere, Mister Purfessor, don't you forget that half shilling for all this hextry work. (Ring heard off, r.) Blessed if it ain't another ! [EXIT r. Dick. This matrimonial business is going strong — a little too strong for my taste. I've brought Uncle Obadiah and his old sweetheart together; that means marriage, and all my future prospects gone — pop! ENTER Maria and Alice, b. 16 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. Maria. Miss Halice Heverton ! Dick (starting up). Alice! AocE. Sir ! Dick {wildly). Oh, Alice, have you come seeking a hus- band? This is the last straw. Alice. Sir ! Are you mad ? Dick. Mad? Almost. {Tears off disguise) Alice, it is I, Dick Harrison. I'm only a bogus Professor. But don't tell me you've come here in answer to the advertisement ! Alice. No ; I've come here to see you. Being in town with Uncle Obadiah, and knowing your address, I slipped away to see my own dear boy. Dick. Alice, you're a darling! {They embrace) Mabia {leaving duster). 'Ooray ! ENTER Mrs. Mudge and MacTavish, b. MacTavish. I'm as happy as a bumble bee in clover. Hello, whaur's the Professor? Mrs. Mudge. Mr. 'Arrison, bless your 'eart, you've brought me back my MacTavish, my lost 'usband and I'm a " grass " widow no longer. Maria {waving duster). 'Ooray! ENTER L. BuNCHEB and Miss Smithers. BuNCHEB. Dick? — and Alice? How came you here — and together? What's the meanin' o't eh? Dick {loudly). It means, uncle, that I was Professor Love- bird — {Showing disguise) — for a short time in order to raise the wind Alice {loudly). And it means, uncle, that in spite of your prohibition, I love Dick still and sought him out here Dick {loudly). And it means, uncle, that we don't mean to give each other up, and if you won't help us, well, we'll starve together. Buncher. Starve? Bless the boy, there's no need for that! In actin' the Professor you've done your uncle a good turn and brought him back his owd lass o' twenty-five year ago; and we're that happy I mun forgi'e 'ee ! So I'll settle £500 a year on 'ee, ye can marry that bit o' fluff there, and may 'ee be as happy as we are. Maria {waving duster). 'Ooray! {Glancing around at Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 17 happy couples) But, I say, look 'ere, wot's to become o' me? I'm a hunappropriated blessing I Dick. Oh, that's all right, Maria. When Alice and I start housekeeping you shall come and be our parlormaid. Maria (ivaving duster). 'Ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray! Three cheers for ** Lovebirds Matrimonial Agency." Alice. Dick. Mrs. Mudge. Smithers. MacTavish. Maria. Bunchee. CURTAIN. A DOCTOR BY COURTESY A Farce in Three Acts, by Ullie Akerstrom PRICE 25 CENTS CHARACTERS Dr. Jos. Sly, a physician (?) Light Comedy Henri Duval, a French merchant Character Chas. Jenkins, Sly's father-in-law Comedy old man Freddie West, a dude Character Michael, a hallboy ' Irish character Policeman, one of the finest. Florette Duval, Duval's Wife Lead Emily Sly, Sly's Wife Juvenile Martha Jenkins, Jenkins's wife Old woinan Ida Gaygirl, of the ballet Soubrette Gretchen, Florette's maid servant Character Two Interior Scenes. — Time of Representation — Two hours. SYNOPSIS Act I. — Sitting-room in Sly's office. Mr. Jenkins resorts to heroio measures to boom his son-in-law's medical practice. Two women prepare i trap. Old associates draw Sly into folly. Clouds begin to gather. Act II. — Room in the house of Monsieur Duval. Florette's physiciaff (by proxy) arrives. A startUng prescription. Matters become worse and worse. A jealous husband and three doctors (?). Act III. — Same as Act I. The "green-eyed monster" appears in the Sly family. The story of a scratched face and a shower-bath. Explana- tions restore harmony, and Dr. (?) Sly retires from active work. COLLEGE CHUMS A COMEDY OF COLLEGE LIFE IN THREE ACTS. BY ANTHONY E. WILLS PRICE 25 CENTS A realistic sketch of College life and its influence. Wallace, an in- dolent aimless young man, on entering college is hazed by fellow collegiates, led on by Thorne, the bully of his class. He turns on the bully and thrashes him soundly. Out of revenge, he is so ingenrously accused of theft by the bully, that the crime appears to carry conviction. Finally the real thief exonerates him and the bully is expelled. There are some very funny passages between two opposing veterans of the war, and in the love making of a German professor. In due course the inevitable young lady comes on the scene with the usual results. A capital play, full of interest through- out. CHARACTERS Franklyn Risley, Dean of the University Character Friederich von Weber, Professor of German Character Wallace Findlay, "The Babe" Lead Howard Thorne, "The Bully" Heavy Arthur Kingsbury, Capt. of College Team Straight Paul Dinsmore, a Sophomore Straight Clifford Paige, manager of College Team Straight John Findlay, Wallace's father Character Alec, an old colored attendant Character Mrs. Almira Dinsmore, Paul's mother Old Lady Grace Dinsmore, her daughter Lead Toby Sprague, the watchman's daughter Ingenue One Interior Stage-setting. — Time of Representation — Two hours. A WH IT £ LIE COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY HORACE C. DALE, PRICE 25 CENTS Four male, three female characters, including leading man, genteel heavy, low comedy, Negro comedy; old maid comedy, emotional leading lady, ingenue. Time of playing 2K hours. The action abounds with strong dramatic situations. Can be easily staged in any hall. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS, . -^^ I.— Drawing-room in the Bell mansion. Visitors. The man who kissed the Blarney stone. The wolf in the sheepfold. An anxious wife's resolve. A game that two can play. An untimely interruption. "What Ts the meaning of this scene?" An extempore rehearsal. A white lie. Act II. — Scene as before. Araminta has her say, and Timothy takes It to heart. Taffy sets up in business. Fiddling upon a lawyer's heart- strings. Pauline's history. The flying-wedge. "I know a thing or two about foot-ball." A passage at arms between Spring and Autumn. Paul- ine's dilemma. A fruitless appeal. "Go! There can be no paradise wherf sin abounds!" Picture. _ Act III.— The Charity Ball. Taffy and his "fairy.'* An exciting episode. Unmasked! An affair of honor. Another skirmish between the ladies. Timothy in a quandary. The missing letter and Pauline's plan of rescue. Araminta caught "spoonin'," and Taffy believes that the world has come to an end. Act IV. — The secret duel. Peyton's treachery and suicide. Bell's dis- covery and despair. A morning call, and a kodak sensation. The Peach Blossom's revenge. Good news for Taft'y. A risky experiment. Bereft of reason. Disenthralled. "Dat settles it; de war am ober, peace am 'clared, an* we's all happy." Finale. Imogene; or^ The Witches Secret REALISTIC DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY HORACE C. DALE, PRICE 15 CENTS Seven male, five female characters. Juvenile leading man, eccentric old man, walking gentleman, genteel villain, Irish comedy, two utility. Leading juvenile lady, heavy character, walking lady, juvenile comedy, soubrette. Well worked out plot and counter-plot, effective stage pictures, and brisk action. Time of playing, 2 hours. SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. Act I. — Scene I. — A street. The Deacon's arrival. _ A newsboy's trick. Lawyer and Irishman. The Witch's prophecy. A wife's anxiety and re- solve. Scene II. — A garden. The fete. Snooks is euchered. A foe in the guise of a friend. The drugged wine. Suspicion aroused. A fruitless appeal. A wronged wife. The accusation. Denunciation. The assault. Act II. — Mansfield's home. A jealous Irishman. The Deacon becomes infatuated. A lost sister. An indirect proposal. The assault. Dennis bites the dust. An indignant wife. A self-confessed villain. A desperate woman. An aggrieved husband. Cowardice charged. Satisfaction demanded and refused. Cowhided. Act III. — Scene I. — Hall in Mansfield's house. Dennis grows excited. A challenge. An agitated wife. Scene II. — The rendezvous. _ The duel. An unobserved witness. "Shoot, you coward!" "I cannot, it would be murder." Treachery charged. "There stands the traitor!" The Witch's note. Explanation demanded. The deadly air gun. A wounded villain. Who fired the shot? A doubting Thomas. The Witch's exhortation. The resolve. Scene III. — A room in Mansfield's house. A wife's devotion. Act IV. — Scene I. — In Reed's law-office. Dennis promises compliance. Dennis and Snooks have a "scrap." Robbery charged. The raised notes. Murder is threatened. Dennis's ruse. The lawyer is euchered. The Witch's appearance. Startling revelations. The Witch's power defied. The incantation. Imogene appears. Reed's death. Scene II. — A street. The Deacon and his nephew. Apologies made and forgiveness obtained, Dennis's elation. Susie's ruse brings Dennis to terms. Scene III. — Mans- field's home. The Witch's secret is revealedo The Deacon is made happy THE EAST SIDERS A Comedy Drama in Three Acts, by ANTHONY E. WILL^ PRICE, 25 CENTS CHARACTERS £mil Schultz, an old tailor Old German Paul Albers, in his employ Character Heavy James Keegan, a typical New Yorker Comedy Robert Perry, an actor Lead Daniel Jarvis, a prosperous merchant Character old man Clarence Frothingham, a dry-goods clerk Dude Officer McNally, a policeman Comedy Otto Werner, a street musician German comedy Mrs. Schultz, the tailor's wife Old lady comedy Edna Schultz, her daughter Lead Lieutenant Brockway, a Salvation lassie Straight Dolly Hammond, who lives upstairs Soubrette One Interior Stage-setting. — Time, 2 Hours, SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS Act I. — New Year's Eve. Paul Albers arrives, expecting to marry Edna. Mr. Jarvis hears some plain truths. The mistake of Clarence. The mortgage. The marriage of Edna and Perry announced. Edna driven from home. Act II. — July, eighteen months later. Jarvis opens the big store. McNally receives a scare. Paul's gambling. Good advice thrown away. The overdue mortgage. Paul's theft. Edna accused. Act III. — October, three months later. The distress of Schultz. Sheriff in charge. Edna's operatic success. An obdurate father. Arrest of Paul. Some lively bidding, Dolly's purchase, Schultz relents. Every- body happy. ROCKY FORD A Western Drama in Four Acts By BURTON L. SPILLER price, 25 CENTS Eight mate (2 may double), three female characters. One exterior, two interior scenes. Time, 2 hours. The action revolves around the theft oi a will by a gentlemanly villain, whereby Jack, a young ranchman (lead), nearly loses not only a fortune, but also his affianced bride. Jack's two cowboy friends come to his rescue, however, and through their timely interference the plan to defraud him is foiled. A Kentusky major and « middle-aged spinster have excellent comedy parts. MILITARY PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH M. BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2% hours 10 PRISONER OP ANDERSON VIIiL-E. 4 Acts; 234 hours.. 10 CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; li^ hours 9 ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; I Stage Setting 4 BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 214 bours 9 BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 RURAL PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^ hours ...... 9 3 AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2^ hours.. 8 4 OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2J^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 GREAT W^INTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 5 2 WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3Act8;2hour8 4 4 FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour. . . 6 3 LETTER FROM HOME. (16 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 ENTERTAINMENTS 25 CENTS EACH AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene.. 5 '1 BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene ^30 IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 15 JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 horns 6 9 OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; IJ.^ hours 4 4 YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 13 OVER THE GARDEN T\^ALL. (15 cents) 11 8 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N.Y. COMEDIES 25 CEI BREAKING HIS BONDS. q gjg ^^3 BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. „^..o, ^7^ COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting. COUNT OP NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours DEACON. 5 Acts; 2i^ hours DELEGATES FROM DENTER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes. DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hour8 EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting .... ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours.... JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2hour8 MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2>i houcs MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. SActs; Shours... REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours ROGUE'S LUCK. SActs; 2hour8 SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. SActs; 21^ hours STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2)^ hours WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2i^ hours WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 21^ hours 3 10 6 5 8 4 7 4 5 3 5 3 4 6 7 WESTERN PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 3 GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 11 3 RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 3 MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours ... 5 8 STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. SActs; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 3 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y.