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 *SON, Publisher, 163 idolph St., Chicago. 
 
TWO JAY DETECTIVES 
 
 A RURAL RIOT OF COMEDY 
 
 BY 
 
 HARRY L. NEWTON 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 'Breakfast Food for Two," "A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy,' 
 
 "A Cold Finish," "Doings of a Dude," "A Dutch Cocktail," 
 
 ''Fresh Timothy Hay," "The Heiress of Hoetown," "Glickman 
 
 the Glazier," "Hey, Rube!" "Jayville Junction," "Marriage 
 
 and After," "Mr. and Mrs. Fido," "One Sweetheart for 
 
 Two," "Oshkosh Next Week," "O'Toole's Battle of 
 
 Ante-Up," "Pickles for Two" "The Pooh Bah of 
 
 Peacetown," "Si and I," "A Special Sale," "A 
 
 Tramp With a Tramp," "The Troubles 
 
 of Rosinski," "Two Jay Detectives," 
 
 "Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville," 
 
 and "Words to the Wise." 
 
 J»* 
 
 CHICAGO 
 
 T. S. DENISON, Publisher 
 
 163 Randolph Street 
 
SEP 4 i:<wO j fo 35c?7 
 
 copt jAuj ; i 
 
 TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Silas Yankem ^ School of Correspondence Detective 
 
 Hank Fetchem Another 
 
 Landlord Who Knozvs by Practical Experience 
 
 Note. — The Landlord is only a small ''bit" and can be 
 played by any third party. 
 
 Time — Nine P. M. 
 
 Time of Playing — About Fifteen Minutes. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Yankem — Black suit ; hickory shirt ; white turn down 
 collar ; black slouch hat ; chin whiskers ; steel spectacles ; 
 large tin star on vest. Carries large revolver or pistol in 
 hip pocket. Speaks in slow, Yankee drawl. About 40 
 years old. 
 
 Fetchem — Light color suit, much too small; red necktie, 
 white shirt and collar ; smooth face. Carries a stuffed club 
 in hip pocket. Wears a tin star on vest. Speaks in Yankee 
 dialect, quickly and in marked contrast to Yankem. Makeup 
 to represent a man of about 2S. 
 
 STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
 R. means right of the stage; C. center; R. C, right cen- 
 ter ; L., left ; R. D., right door ; L. D., left door, etc. ; 1 E., 
 first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance, etc. ; D. P., door in 
 flat or scene running across the back of the stage ; 1 G., first 
 groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 
 
 COPYRIGHT) 1908, I5V T. S. DENISON. 
 
 2 
 
 9c/-j^o/^r 
 
TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 
 
 Scene: Bedroom in the Skinner Hotel. Two single beds 
 made up zvith sheets, pillows, etc., R. and L. of stage. 
 One chair alongside of each bed; washstand with bowl 
 and pitcher against back Hat. Door R. or L. 
 At rise of curtain there are no characters on stage. 
 
 Landlord {heard off stage). There's your room. Num- 
 ber 13. Don't be scared of the number. There ain't nothin' 
 the matter at all with the room, even if it is number' 13. 
 There have been two or three folks found dead in it and 
 things like that; and some say that they do be ghosts in it 
 and things like that. 
 
 Enter Landlord and Yankem. 
 
 Landlord {sets small lamp on table). But who's scared 
 of ghosts, and a room where folks die sudden like? Be 
 you ? 
 
 Yankem {looking doubtfully about). No — o — o, I ain't 
 scared — but ain't you got a leetle pleasanter place fer a feller 
 to bunk? 
 
 Landlord. Nope. Only room left. Better give me all 
 the money you got and other valuables, 'cause you might not 
 want to use it any more after you sleep here. 
 
 Yankem {sits on one of the beds). I only got six dol- 
 lars ; that ain't much to tempt a person. 
 
 Landlord. Well, it'll help some. Fork over. 
 
 Yankem {pulls out a couple of bills and hands them to 
 landlord). Here ye be. {Looks about.) Don't look like 
 there was anything' the matter with this room. 
 
 Landlord {pocketing money and chuckling) . Oh, there 
 
 3 
 
4 TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 
 
 ain't — much! That bed you're sittin' on is where four folks 
 have been found murdered. 
 
 Yankem (jumping to feet wildly). Wow! Why didn't 
 ye say so? 
 
 Landlord. I did. 
 
 Yankem (sits on other bed). Yaas, after I'd squatted 
 on it you did. Any thin' the matter with the bed I'm settin' 
 on now? Any folks found murdered on this one? 
 
 Landlord. Nope. 
 
 Yankem. I'm glad of that. 
 
 Landlord. No, that bed you're settin' on is all right — 
 except that folks have a habit of committin' suicide on it. 
 (Yankem jumps up quickly). Seems to me there has been 
 nine suicides on it— nine or ten, I ain't quite sure which. 
 But there appears to be somethin' the matter with it. Every- 
 one wdio lays down on it gets a quick desire to jump up and 
 kill themselves. (Yankem trembling sits on chair.) But 
 I reckon you'll be all right. You look like a good, level- 
 headed chap — but you can't always sometimes tell by the 
 looks. Now, that chair you're settin' in is a innocent lookin' 
 piece of furniture, but lawse me! (Yankem jumps up.) 
 It is a hoodoo chair if there ever was one. Appears like 
 when folks set in it they get a desire to commit murder — 
 
 Yankem. Say, you and your hotel kin go plumb to 
 glory. I'm goin' to get right out of here (starts for door). 
 I don't want to hear no more. I've heard enough now to 
 keep me awake all night (at door). 
 
 Landlord (significantly). Oh, you'll sleep all right; and 
 you'll sleep sound. In case I can't wake you in the mornin', 
 you may know that somethin' happened durin' the night to 
 you. You kin take your choice of them two beds. They're 
 both very comfortable. Good night and pleasant dreams. 
 (Laughs in ghastly uianner and exit.) 
 
 Yankem (coming dozvn stage and glancing fearfully 
 around). Waal, I'll be gosh swiggled. Appears like I'd 
 arrived in a nice quiet place. (Looks at beds.) I kin take 
 my choice of them beds, kin I? Waal, he's all-fired kind. 
 If I lay down on one I'll commit suicide ; and if I lay on 
 t'other, I'll git murdered. I guess the best thing for me to 
 
TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 5 
 
 do is to stand up all night and let my feet hang over. (For- 
 gets himself and sits on chair, then immediately jumps up 
 again.) Gee whiz! I clean forgot. That's that hoodoo 
 cheer. Fm liable to commit somethin' if I set down on it. 
 He didn't say there was anythin' the matter with that other 
 cheer. {Looks at other chair.) So I guess it must be all 
 right. Anyhow, I got to squat somewhere. {Sits in chair, 
 then glances about uneasily. Slight pause, then) Don't 
 seem to feel nothin'. Guess it must be all right. {Looks 
 at- star on vest, smiles.) Gosh, I clean forgot that star. 
 {Takes out handkerchief and polishes star.) I'm a regular 
 real detective, I am. I ain't a-goin' to be scared of ghosts 
 and things like that either, ye bet yer boots. {Crash sounds 
 off stage ; he jumps up and glances uneasily about.) What 
 was that, I wonder. If some folks don't behave I'll arrest 
 the hull caboodle on em. {Sits dozvn, pulls out a small 
 book from inside pocket.) Let's see what the Detective 
 School of Correspondence sez to do when you hear a sus- 
 picious noise. {Looks over tzvo or three pages.) Oh, yes, 
 here it is {reads) : ''When you hear a suspicious noise, fol- 
 low the footprints until noise is reached, then grab noise 
 around the neck firmly and handcuff it." {Speaks) Humph ! 
 I guess it must be all right, but how in thunder kin a feller 
 grab a noise and handcuff it! {Reads from hook again) 
 ''At first' glance this may appear difiicult, but if you practice 
 a hundred years, goin' without food or sleep while so doin', 
 it will then become much easier." {Speaks) Humph! If 
 I practice a hundred years without food or sleep I'd be a 
 secondary consideration to a streak of sunshine. But it's 
 in the instructions and must be so. {Pulls out a legal-look- 
 ing paper.) This is some important paper. A warrant 
 for the arrest of Kid Kiddo, the. Kidnaper. If I arrest this 
 Kid Kiddo I g*et $4.00 reward cash down. Vm. on his 
 trail and he can't escape me. {Polishes star zvith his hand- 
 kerchief, then reads again) "Description of Kid Kiddo. 
 Man about as -high as he is old ; wears clothes on the street" 
 {speaks) Kinder funny place to wear 'em. I wear my 
 clothes on my body. {Chuckles, then reads again) "When 
 last seen he was wearin' a red necktie." {Speaks) Huh I 
 
6 TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 
 
 Fust it says he wears clothes, then it says he only wears a red 
 necktie. Waal, anyhow, I got to look for clues. 'Tain't 
 likely he'll come in her-e and git ketched. I'll take a look 
 in another room (rises and tiptoes off stage). 
 
 Landlord (off stage). There's yer room. Number 13. 
 Nicest room in the house. Nothin' to disturb you but ghosts 
 and things like that. Walk right in and make yourself to 
 home. If you don't feel at home now you will wish your- 
 self there before morning. Good night and pleasant dreams. 
 
 Enter Fetchem. He has a dark lantern in right hand and 
 
 stuffed eliib in left. 
 
 Fetchem (calling back to landlord). Good-night, Mr. 
 Landlord. 
 
 Landlord (off stage). Good-night. 
 
 C Good-night" is repeated by Fetchem and Landlord 
 several times, each time fainter by Landlord as if he were 
 zvalking away, the last time it is bflrely heard by the audience. 
 Fetchem shows nervous manner about the fourth time 
 good-night is called by Landlord, glances apprehensively 
 over his shoulder, etc.) 
 
 Fetchem. This is the dad-gondest place I ever struck. 
 It makes the chills play tag up and down my spinal column. 
 But I ain't scared — not me. Detectives never get scared. 
 (Flashes light on star. Groan sounds from off stage.) Gee 
 whiz! what's that? (Trembles.) He said somethin' about 
 ghosts. I wonder if that was a regular ghost? (Groan 
 noise again.) Holy pumpkins, that's awful ! (Knees knock 
 together, etc.) Let's see what the Detective School of Cor- 
 respondence sez to do when you hear a ghost groan. (Pulls 
 out book and reads) ''When a- ghost groans follow the 
 groans carefully in a balloon until the ghost gets tired, then 
 stick a pin in it and let the gas out." (Speaks) Gee whiz, 
 I wonder if they mean stick a pin in the ghost or the balloon. 
 (Groans sound again.) Oh, dear me! Why did I ever 
 send a dollar to get to be a detective? I'm goin' to get out 
 of this place (runs to door, tries to open it, but door is 
 locked. Runs around stage tryitig to escape and then finally 
 
TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 7 
 
 runs to bed designated by Landlord as the ''murder" bed, 
 crawls under sheet, leaving only top of head visible). 
 
 Enter Yankem. 
 
 Yankem {looking over his shoulder apprehensively). I 
 wish I was out out of this place. 
 
 Fetchem (groans). So do I. 
 
 Yankem (looking at bed frightened). What's that? 
 (Shakes zvith fright.) Dog-dad if there ain't a dead man 
 in that bed already. (Looks wildly around.) Now, I'll be 
 arrested for committing suicide — I mean bigannie. (Fetch- 
 em o-roa«^.) Gee flop, I wonder what my book sez to do 
 when I find a live murdered man. (Pulls out book and 
 reads) "When you find a murdered man ask him his name 
 and address and how his appetite is. Then take his tem- 
 perature." (Closes book and approaches Fetchem.) Say, 
 be you dead? 
 
 Fetchem (raises head). Sure I am. 
 
 Yankem. Then I got to ask your name and address and 
 also take your temperature. Will you hand it over peace- 
 able like or will I use force ? 
 
 Fetchem. No, I like grape-nuts better. But I ain't got 
 no temperature. The landlord took everythin' I had a little 
 while ago — temperature and all. (Sits up in bed; stuffed 
 club in one hand and dark lantern in other.) 
 
 Yankem (looks at Fetchem closely. Aside). By jinks! 
 If that ain't Kid Kiddo I'm a heifer. (Pulls out paper, 
 reads) ''Man about as high as he is old. When last seen 
 wore a red necktie." (To Fetchem) You're the feller all 
 right. 
 
 Fetchem (aside). This feller's plumb crazy. 
 
 Yankem (pulls out pistol and points it at Fetchem's 
 head). You're captured, Kid Kiddo; you're captured — un- 
 derstand ? 
 
 Fetchem. Say, be you goin' to hold that pistol in my 
 face all night? 
 
 Yankem. By jinks, I never thought of that. Excuse 
 me while I look in my book and see what to do when a 
 desperate criminal is captured. (Lays pistol on Hoor, takes 
 
8 TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 
 
 out book and reads) "When a criminal is captured, take 
 away his arms." {To Fetchem) Hear that? I got to 
 take and saw off your arms. 
 
 Fetchem. You ain't goin' to saw off nothin'. You're 
 the craziest loon I ever seen. If you don't look out Fll 
 arrest you. 
 
 Yankem. Arrest me? You can't arrest me. I'm a real 
 regular detective. (Shozvs star.) 
 
 Fetchem (jumps out of bed). Fll show you who's a 
 regular detective, gol darn you ! (Pulls out stuffed club and 
 hits Yankem over the head. Yankem drops to floor.) 
 There ! I guess you'll not be disturbin' honest folks any 
 more. (Yankem lies quiet. Fetchem looks dozvn on 
 him.) Gee whiz, I hope he ain't a goner! Wonder what 
 my book sez to do when you hit a man in the head? (Piills 
 out book, reads) ''When you hit a man on the head, rub 
 his hands. If it's a woman rubber boots." (Speaks) If 
 it's a woman, rubber boots. Oh, gosh ! 
 
 Yankem (sittijig up, feeling his head and looking at_ 
 Fetchem). Say, wdiere was you when the buildin' fell 
 down? 
 
 Fetchem. Say, I'm glad you ain't a goner. 
 
 Yankem. So am I. But a real regular detective never- 
 gets killed. But ain't you Kid Kiddo? 
 
 Fetchem. No ; I'm Hank Fetchem, a detective. {Shozvs 
 star. ) 
 
 Yankem. And I'm Silas Yankem, a detective. (Shozcs 
 star.) But, by jinks I thought I had you captured and 
 $4.00 reward to boot. 
 
 Fetchem. We both been foolish. Let's go to bed. 
 
 Yankem. Go to bed? Say, if we git in them beds we'll 
 never wake up agin. 
 
 Fetchem. Oh, gosh, that's all bosh. I'm goin' to bed. 
 I'm sleepy as the dickens. (Jumps info bed and covers 
 himself zvith sheet.) 
 
 Yankem {lies dozvn in other bed). Waal, I got my 
 pistol and you got your club. If there's any ghosts come 
 snoopin' around, I'll shoot 'em. 
 
TWO JAY DETECTIVES. 9 
 
 Fetchem. Yaas, and if you miss 'em I'll soak 'em with 
 my club. Good-night. 
 
 Yankem. Good-night. 
 
 Landlord (off^ stage, yells). Good-night. (Yankem 
 and Fetchem both sit up and look zvildly around.) 
 
 Fetchem. What was that? (Trembling.) 
 
 Yankem. I don't know. Soak it with your club. 
 
 Fetchem. It's a ghost. Go and look for it. 
 
 Yankem. I ain't lost any ghost. Go look for it your- 
 self. 
 
 Fetchem. I'm sound asleep; I can't. (Coz'ers up in 
 bed.) 
 
 (Landlord, after short pause, in zvhich Fetchem and 
 Yankem both snore loudly, comes in in zvhite sheet. He 
 stands betzveen the tzvo beds, touching Urst one on the face 
 and then the other. Each time he touches them they knock 
 off his hand and continue to snore. Landlord at. last slaps 
 Fetchem on face, then Yankem. They both sit up in bed, 
 yell at sight of ghost and jump out of bed. Landlord 
 laughs loudly, then Yankem and Fetchem grab Landlord, 
 throw him over the back of a chair; Fetchem takes stuffed 
 club and beats seat of Landlord's trousers' to descending 
 curtain. A very funny effect is produced by having a 
 quantity of Hour sprinkled on the sheet, and zvhen the club 
 conies in contact zvith it, clouds of flour dust zvill arise.) 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
The Old School at Hick'ry Holler 
 
 By LUTIE FIT2 GERALD. 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 Comic entertainment in 3 scenes, 12 m., 9 f. Time, about 1 h. 
 15 m. Scenes: On the way to school, the schoolroom, classes, re- 
 cess, etc. The last day. Characters: Teacher, scholars, school 
 director and visitors. It represents the old-fashioned school of 20 
 or 30 years ago, and abounds with the fun and pranks of our youth- 
 ful days. It is the same style of a school which a poet so well 
 describes in the following lines: 
 "The schoolhouse stood on Sandy Hill, a noisy, old-time knowledge 
 
 mill. 
 Where Yankee masters came to teach and wield the thought- 
 inciting beech." 
 If characters are taken by prominent or elderly people it will add to 
 its success. The funniest old school entertainment published. 
 
 " 'The Old School at Hick'ry Holler' proved a success." — Marie 
 M. Rotz, Bay, Mo. 
 
 The Brookdale Farm 
 
 By ROBERT J. BENTLEY. 
 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
 Rural drama, 4 acts; 7 m., 3 f. Time about 2 h. 15 m. Scenes: 
 Easy rural, 1 exterior, 3 interiors. Characters: Squire Brooks, 
 owner of the farm. Mrs. Brooks, his wife. Marion, their daughter. 
 Nan Cummings, , adopted daughter, who combines mischief with 
 work. Gilbert Dawson, a nephew and an unprincipled rogue. Roy 
 Harte, in love with Marion. Ephraim Green, not as green as he 
 looks. Dick, a tramp, a "true heart 'neath ragged coat." Samuel 
 Hunter, sheriff. Ben Holy, hotel proprietor. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — The Old Homestead. Ephraim makes a discovery. Mrs. 
 Brooks takes a hand in the game. The love match. The plot. 
 Squire falls into the trap. The quarry is sold. Ephraim finds gran- 
 ite. "Too late." Roy to the rescue. Gilbert foiled. 
 
 Act II. — Good news. Ephraim's sad experience. The deed is 
 safe. Ephraim's jealousy. The surprise party. Roy's father in 
 jail. Squire murdered. Roy accused. 
 
 Act III. — Ephraim's experience with the miners. Mrs. Brooks 
 displeased. Roy explains. Gilbert's offer. Roy drugged. The rob- 
 bery. Ephraim takes a hand. The money is safe. 
 
 Act IV. — The intended elopement. Sheriff Hunter's hard luck. 
 The bribe. Dick relates a story. The deed is destroyed. Roy's 
 return. The Sheriff's duty. The accusation. The arrest. Retri- 
 bution. 
 
 T. S. DENISON, Publisher 
 
 163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO 
 
The Face At The Window 
 
 By W. C. PARKER. 
 
 Price, 23 Cents 
 
 Drama, 3 acts; 4 m., 4 f. Time, about 2 h. Scenes: Easy, 1 in- 
 terior, 1 exterior. Characters: Reginald Spofford, One of New York's 
 400. Chester La Grange, alias "Second Story Bill," of unsavory rep- 
 utation. Mose (negro), who refuses to work. Swartwood, a detective. 
 Vera Stanley, wronged but forgiving. Mrs. Spofford, mother of 
 Reginald. Lillian, her niece. Dinah, wife of Mose and boss of her 
 family. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — The unprotected home. The rejected suitor. The secret 
 of a life. The attempted robbery. The recognition. The fight 
 against odds. Reginald to the rescue. 
 
 Act II. — Continued persecution. The reformed burglar. The 
 heiress. Plot and counter plot. Reunited school girls. Courting 
 under difficulties. The interrupted murder of the wrong party. 
 "The Face at the Window." 
 
 Act III. — The lonely rocky pass. Raking up old occurrences. 
 Seeing things in a new light. The explanation. The clandestine 
 meeting. The rejected proposal. The use of force. The right wins. 
 "Free at last." 
 
 After The Game 
 
 By LINDSEY BARBEE. 
 Price, 23 Cents 
 
 A college comedy, 2 acts; 1 m., 9 f. The male character is not 
 prominent and can be played by a girl. Time, IV4, h. Scenes: 2 in- 
 teriors — Nan's room, and a "den" in the club house. Characters: 
 Nan and Betty, grave and reverend Seniors. Kit and Polly, gay and 
 festive Juniors. Dixie and Trixie, lighthearted and loquacious 
 Sophomores. Flora and Dora, meek and submissive Freshmen. 
 Jane, the maid. Jack, half-back on the 'Varsity team. 
 
 SYNOPSIS. 
 
 Act I. — After the dance. Nan prepares for a chafing dish party. 
 The Sophomores interrupt. Dixie bewails the lack of romance in 
 every-day life. Betty proves the contrary. A Hallowe'en stunt. 
 Nan offers herself for the crucial test. An exciting story and a 
 football shoe. Nan tells of her quarrel with Jack. The girls depart. 
 "I've broken my promise — lost his friendship." 
 
 Act II, Scene I. — Same as Act I. After the game. Nan nerv- 
 ously awaits the result. The girls come from the game. Great 
 noise and hilarity. Jack's accident and misfortune are related. 
 Nan makes up her mind. "He needs you — won't you go to him?" 
 Scene II.— "Den" in the Club House. After the man. The shoe 
 fits. Cinderella finds her Prince. 
 
 T. S. DENISON, Publisher 
 
 163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO 
 
DEN I SONS ".-■" 
 VAUDEVILLE 
 
 Denison^s 
 Vaudeville Sketches 
 
 Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid. 
 
 Nearly all of these sketches were written for profes- 
 sionals and have been given with great success oy vaude- 
 ville artists of note. They are essentially dramatic and 
 vcy funny; up-to-date comedy. They are not recom- 
 mended for church entertainments; however, tney con- 
 tain nothing that will offend, and are all within the 
 range of amateurs. 
 DOINGS OF A DUDE.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 m., 1 1. 
 Time 20 m. Scene: Simple interior. Maizy Von Billion of athletic tenden- 
 cies is expecting a boxing instructor and has procured Bloody Mike, a prize 
 fighter, to " try him out." Percy Montmorency, her sister's ping pong teacher, 
 is mistaken for the boxing instructor and has a "trying out" that Is a sur- 
 prise. A whirlwind of fun and action. 
 
 FRESH TIMOTHY HAY.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L.Newton; 2 m., 
 1 f. Time 20 m. Scene: Simple rural exterior. By terms of a will. Rose 
 Lark must mf.rry Reed Bird or forfeit a legacy. Rose and Reed have never 
 met and when he arrives Timothy Oay, a fresh farm hand, mistakes him fer 
 Pink Eye Pete, a notorious thief. Ludicrous lines and rapid action. 
 
 GLICKMAN, THE GLAZIER.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton 
 and A. S. Hoffman; 1 m., 1 f. Time 26 m. Scene: Simple interior. Char- 
 lotte Russe, an actress, is scored by a dramatic paper. With "blood in her eye" 
 she seeks the critic at the office, finds no one in and smashes a window. Jacob 
 Glickman, a Hebrew glazier, rushes in and is mistaken for the critic. Fun, 
 jokes, gags and action follow with lightning rapidity. A great Jew part. 
 
 THE GODDESS OF LOVE.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m., 
 If. Time 15 m. Scene: Simple exterior. Aphrodite, a Greek goddess, is a 
 statue in the park. According to tradition a gold ring placed upon her finger 
 will bring her to life. Knott Jones, a tramp, who had slept in the park aD 
 night, brings her to life. A rare combination of the beautiful and the best of 
 comedy. Novel, easy to produce and a great hi*,. 
 
 HEY, RUBEI— Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m. Time ±6 m, Reuben 
 Spinach from Yapton visits Chicago for the first time. The way he tells of 
 the sights and what befell him would make a sphinx laugh. 
 
 IS IT RAINING?— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m., 1 f. 
 Time 10 m. Otto Swimorebeer, a German, Susan Fairweather, a friend of 
 his. This act runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and comical lines. 
 
 MARRIAGE AND AFTER.— Monologue, by Harry L. Newton and A. S. 
 Hoffman; 1 m. Time about 10 m. A laugh every two seconds on a subject 
 which appeals to all. Full of local hits. 
 
 ME AND MY DOWN TRODDEN SEX.— Old maid monologue, by Harry L. 
 Newton; 1 f. Time 5 m. Polly has lived long enough to gather a few facts 
 about men, which are told in the most laughable manner imaginable. 
 
 AN OYSTER S'^EW.— A rapid-fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton and 
 A. S. Hoffman; 2 m. Time 10 m. Dick Tell, a knowing chap. Tom Askit, 
 not so wise. This act is filled to overflowing with lightning cross-fires, 
 pointed puns and hot retorts, 
 
 PICKLES FOR TWO.—Dutch rapid-fire talking act, by Harry L. Newton 
 and A. S. Hoffman; 2 m. Time 15 m. Hans, a German mixer. Gus, another 
 one. Unique ludicrous Dutch dialect, interspersed with rib-starting witti- 
 cisms. The style of act made famous by Weber and Field. 
 
 THE TROUBLES OF ROZINSKL— Jew monologue, by Harry L. Newton 
 and A. S. Hoffman; 1 m. Time 15 m. Rozinskl, a buttonhole-maker, is 
 forced to join the union and go on a "strike." He has troubles every minute 
 that will tickle the ribs of both Labor and Capital. 
 
 WORDS TO THE WISB.—Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 m. Time 
 about 1.5 m. A typical vaudeville talking act, which is fat with funny llres 
 and rich rare hits that will be remembered and laughed over for weeks. 
 
 T. S, DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 
 
 H 21/ ftS 
 
DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 
 
 Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is (Hven. 
 
 FARCES AND SKETCHES. 
 
 M. P. 
 
 Assessor, sketch, 10 min 3 2 
 
 April Fools, 80 min 3 
 
 Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 
 
 Bardell vs. Pickwick, 25 min... 6 2 
 
 Beautiful Forever, 30 min 2 2 
 
 Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 
 
 Blind Margaret, musical, 30 m. 3 3 
 
 Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min... 5 
 
 Borrowing Trouble. 25 min 3 5 
 
 Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 
 
 Breezy Call, 25 min 2 1 
 
 B'\mble's Courtship, 18 min... 1 1 
 
 Cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 2 
 
 Christmas Ship, musical, 20 m. 4 3 
 
 Cobbler; 10 min 10 
 
 Convention of Papas, 25 min. .. ,7 
 
 Country Justice, 15 min 8 
 
 Cow That Kicked Chicago, 20 
 
 min 3 2 
 
 Cut Oflf with a Shilling, 25 min. 2 1 
 
 Deception, 30 min 3 2 
 
 Desperate Situation, 25 min. ... 23 
 
 Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 
 
 Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min 5 3 
 
 Fair Encounter, sketch, 20 min. 2 
 
 Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 
 
 First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 
 
 Freezing a Mother-in-Law, 45 
 
 min 3 2 
 
 Great Medical Dispensary, 30 
 
 min 6 
 
 Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 3 
 
 Hard Cider, temperance, 15 m.. 4 2 
 
 Happy pair, 25 min 1 1 
 
 Homoeopathy, Irish, 30 min.... 5 3 
 
 I'll Stay Awhile, 20 min 4 
 
 I'm Not -Mesilf at All, 25min,. 3 2 
 
 Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. . 8 
 
 In the Wrong House, 20 min. . . 4 2 
 
 Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min. . 3 3 
 
 Is the Editor in? 20 min 4 2 
 
 John Smith, 30 min 5 3 
 
 Just My Luck, 20 min 4 3 
 
 Kansas Immigrants, 20 min 5 1 
 
 Kiss in the Dark, 30 min 2 3 
 
 Larkin's Love Letters, 50 min.. 3 2 
 
 Lend Me Five Shillings, 40 min. 5 2 
 
 Limerick Boy, 30 min 5 2 
 
 Little Black Devil, 10 min 2 1 
 
 Love and Rain, sketch, 20 min. 1 1 
 
 Lucky Sixpence, 30 min 4 2 
 
 Lucy's Old Man, sketch, 15 m. 2 3 
 Madame Princeton's Temple of 
 
 Beauty, 20 min 6 
 
 Mike Donovan, 15 min 1 3 
 
 Misses Beers, 25 min 3 3 
 
 Mistake in Identity, 15 min... 2 
 
 Model of a Wife, 25 min 3 2 
 
 Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 m. 2 
 
 My Jeremiah, 20 min 3 2 
 
 My Lord in Livery, 45 min 4 3 
 
 My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min 3 3 
 
 M. T. 
 
 My Turn Next, 50 min 4 3 
 
 Narrow Escape, sketch, 15 m... 2 
 
 Not at Home, 15 min. 2 O 
 
 Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 
 
 On Guard, 25 min 4 2 
 
 Only Cold Tea, 20 min 3 3 
 
 Outwitting the Colonel, 25 m.. 3 2 
 
 Patsy O' Wang, 35 min 4 3 
 
 Pat the Apothecary, 35 min 6 2 
 
 Persecuted Dutchman, 35 min. 6 3 
 
 Petsof Society, 30 min 7 
 
 Played and Lost, sketch, 15 m. 3 2 
 
 Pull-Back, 20 min.: 6 
 
 Quiet Family, 45 min. 4 4 
 
 Realm of Time, musical, 30 min. 8 15 
 
 Regular Fix, 50 min 6 4 
 
 Rejected, 40 min 5 3 
 
 Roug:h Diamond, 40 min 4 3 
 
 Row in Kitchen and Politician's 
 
 Breakfast, 2 monologues... 1 1 
 
 Silent Woman, 25 min 2 1 
 
 Slasher and Crasher, 1 hr, 15 m. 5 2 
 
 Taming a Tiger, 20 min 3 
 
 That Rascal Pat, 35 min 3 2 
 
 To Oblige Benson, 45 min 3 2 
 
 Too Much for One Head, 25 m. . 2 4 
 Too Much of a Good' Thing, 50 
 
 min 3 6 
 
 Treasure from Egypt, 45 min.. 4 1 
 
 Trick Dollar, 30 pain : 4 3 
 
 Turn Him Out, 50 min 3 3 
 
 Twenty Minutes Under Um- 
 brella, sketch, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Two Bonnycastles, 45 min 3 3 
 
 Two Ga> Deceivers, 25 min 3 
 
 Two Gents in a Fix, 20 min 2 
 
 Two Ghosts in White, 25 min. . 8 
 
 Twoof aKind, 40 min 2 3 
 
 Two Puddifoots. 40 min 3 3 
 
 Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 
 
 Very Pleasant l':vening, 30 min 3 
 
 Wanted: a Correspondent, 1 hr. 4 4 
 
 Wanted ; a Hero, 20 min 1 1 
 
 Which Will He Marry? 30 min. 2 8 
 
 White Caps (The),musical,30m. 8 
 
 Who is Who, 40 min 3 2 
 
 Who Told the Lie? 30 min , ... . 53 
 
 Wide Enough for Two, 50 min, 5 2 
 
 Woman Hater (The), 30 min... 2 1 
 
 Wonderful L-etter, 25 min 4 1 
 
 Wooing Under Difficulties, 35 
 
 min 4 3 
 
 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 
 
 The publisher believes that he can 
 say truthfully that Denison's list of 
 plays is on the whole the best se- 
 lected and most successful in the 
 marlcet. JSTew Plays will be added 
 from time to time. 
 
 For Ethiopian Plays see Catalogue 
 
 T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 
 
POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 
 
 Price. Illustrated Paper Covers, 25 cents each. 
 
 IN this Series 
 are found 
 books touching 
 every feature 
 in the enter- 
 tainment field. 
 Good paper, 
 clear print and 
 each book has 
 an attractive in- 
 dividual cover 
 design. 
 
 DIALOGUES. 
 
 All Sorts of Dialof{ues. 
 
 Selected, fine for older pupils. 
 Catchy Comic Dialogues. 
 
 New, clever; for young people. 
 Children's Comic Dialogues. 
 
 Bright, original; for children from 
 
 six to eleven years of age. 
 Dialoiiues from Dickens. 
 
 Thirteen selections. 
 The Friday Afternoon Dialoitues. 
 
 Twenty-five original pieces; 45,000 
 
 copies sold. 
 From Tots to Teens. 
 
 Dialogues for youths.children.little 
 
 tots; pieces for special occasions. 
 When the Lessons are Over. 
 
 Dialogues, drills, plays. 
 Wide Awake Dialogues. 
 
 Brand new, original, successful. 
 
 SPEAKERS. MONOLOGUES. 
 
 Choice Pieces for Little People. 
 
 A child's speaker. 
 The Comic Entertainer. 
 
 Recitations, monologues,dialogues. 
 
 Dialect Readinfis. 
 
 Irish, Dutch. Negro, Scotch, etc. 
 
 The Favorite Speaker. 
 Choice prose and poetry. 
 
 The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 
 For pupils of all ages. 
 
 Humorous Monolof{ues. 
 
 For amateur and professional mon- 
 ologists. Particularly for ladies. 
 
 The Patriotic Speaker. 
 
 Master thoughts of masterminds. 
 
 The Poetical Entertainer. 
 
 Choice poems for reading or 
 speaking; fine illustrations. 
 
 Pomes ov the Peepul. 
 
 Wit.humor,satire; fufcacofrtTBHol 
 reading or speaking;^ 
 
 Scrap-Book Recitatioi 
 
 Choice collections, pathetic, hum- 
 orous, descriptive, prose, poetry. 
 14 N OS., per No.. 2Sc. 
 
 DRILLS. 
 
 The Best Drill Book. 
 
 Very popular drills and marches. 
 The Favorite Book of Drills. 
 
 Drills that sparkle with originality. 
 
 The Surprise Drill Book. 
 
 Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 
 
 SPECIALTIES. 
 
 The Days We Celebrate. 
 
 Entertainments for all the holidays. 
 
 Good Thini{s for Christmas. 
 
 Recitations, monologues.exercises, 
 
 dialogues, drills, tableaux, etc. 
 The Little Folks, or Work and Play. 
 
 A gem of a book. 
 The Little Folks* Badiiet. 
 
 Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
 One Hundred Entertainments. 
 
 New parlor diversions, socials. 
 
 Pranks and Pastimes. 
 
 Parlor games for children. 
 
 School and parlor Tableaux. 
 
 For school, church and parlor. 
 
 Shadow Pictures. Pantomimes. 
 
 Charades, and how to prepare. 
 
 Tableaux and Scenic Readinits. 
 
 New and novel. For all ages. 
 Twinklinif Finiiers and Swayinit 
 Fiftures. Finger plays, motion 
 songs, catchy music; iUnstrated. 
 
 HAND BOOKS. 
 
 The Debater's Handbook. 
 
 Bound only in cloth, 50c. 
 Everybody's Letter Writer. 
 
 A Handy Manual. 
 
 Good Manners. 
 
 Etiquette in brief form. 
 
 Private Theatricals. 
 
 Selecting plays, cast, rehearsals, 
 stage setting, rain, lightning, etc. 
 
 Social Card Games. 
 
 Complete in brief form. 
 
 MINSTRELS. JOKES. 
 
 Black American Joker. 
 
 Minstrels and end men's gags. 
 
 A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy, 
 
 Original cross fire conversations, 
 monologues and stump speeches. 
 
 lei{ro|Mi49trels. . 
 
 All dtaponhe busifpss. 
 
 The N»^ J^lly j£ster. 
 
 Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 
 
 Lartfe Illustrated Catalatfna Fr«*. 
 
 T. S. DENISON. Publisher. 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 
 

 
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