Bookf-// IVC a~ Bird in Hand : A Play in One Act: by Laurence Housman Samuel French: Publisher 28-30 West Thirty-eighth St. : New York Samuel French, Ltd. 26 Southampton Steeet, Strand LONDON PRICE 35 CENTS Bird in Hand : A Play in One Act: by Laurence Housman Samuel French: Publisher 28-30 West Thirty-eighth St. : New York Samuel French, Ltd. 26 Southampton Steeet, Strand LONDON PRICE 35 CENTS c \-\', Copyrig-ht, 1916 By LAURENCE HOUSMAN CAUTI0^3■ - - - Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that "BIRD IN HAND," being- fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, is sub- ject to royalty, and any one presenting the play with- out the consent of the author or his authorized ag^ent, will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Ap- plication for the right to produce "BIRD IN HAND" must be made to Samuel French, 28-30 West 38th St., New York City. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. BIRD IN HAND. DRAMATIS PERSONAE. Professor Braintree A famous scientist Miss Tuckey „ „.His secretary Dr. Locum Mis medical attendant Elfrida „ His granddaughter Bird-in-Hand A thing to he explained BIRD IN HAND Scene: — You are looking into the^ study of a Scientist — a large room lined zvith books and specimen cases. At the back are tzvo upright zvindows, through which one sees a green bowery^ garden, suggestive of quiet and seclu- sion. In one window stands a case of stuffed, birds, in the other a microscope. Near the center of the room is a ponderous writing-table, above which hangs an adjustable light, presided over by a large green shade. Adjoining the writing-table is a smaller one, on zvhich stands a typezvriter. All about the room, on tables and systematically arranged, and suggestive of the s'trict order' imposed by a meticulous mind. There is one door to right, another to left, the latter leading to an inner chamber. On the zvrit- ing-table lie papers and a portable speaking- tube. A telephone, a zvaste-paper basket, and a revolving book-stand are zvithin easy^ reach of the Professor's chair, zvhile behind it is a screen partly covering the door leading to the inner chamber. On the opposite side, between the other door and the zvindozv, stands a large chest. It is morning, and through half-lozvered green blinds sunlight streams over the replete and conifortabli interior, touching to brightness the polished w.etal of the microscope, and the plumage of the stuffed birds. At the small table, on a chair less com- fortable than the one at the zvriting-desk sits an 6 BIRD IX PL\ND. old gentleman in an affluent dressing-gown of deep rich tones, diz'iding his attention between a boTid of '' Benger's Food '' and the typewriter, at which he clicks with portentous graz'ity and oc- casioruu pauses in the fingering. He is ezn- derAly inexpert, perhaps through short-sighted- ness; but the typewriter helps him to feel, even in his study, thai his words are destined for print and the layirig-down of the scientific law for the generations to come after. The clock on the chimney-piece, a skeleton of severe design, with the workings of its metal bowels immcdestiy exposed, strikes eleven. This seetKs to be a signal to a mind methodically trained. The Pbofessor ccrtsults his watch, starts, looks reproachfully at the clock, then quits the typewriter, picks up his howl of Benger, and spooning from it on the way goes to the speaking-tube, which having unstopped, he breathes into. The exertion sets him cough- ing; but he does this, like most other things, patiently and methodically. After listening at the tube he speaks dozen it, and you hear a bisected conversation. Professor Braixtree. Is that jou. Miss Tuckey ? — Yes, I'm ready for yoti — I'm ready, I say — if you will, please. Yes. (He starts to put on the stopper again; then, as an after-thought) — Oh! Miss Tuckey — Are 30U there? — Tut! Tut! WTiy does the woman hurry so? (He gets up a little testily to romove his Benger bowl to a side-table, and progressing with very short steps places it un- securely on a projecting book wlience it falls and breaks. Ke accepts the fact philosophically so far as infirmity wiU allow; but there is a gentle queru- lovsness in his tone as he says — ) There, there! Oh dear! — {And leaz-ing the fragments to lie, re- turns to his place. There he stands for a moment, BIRD IX HAND. 7 and looking back reproachfully^ removes from his eyes the highly magnifying reading-glasses which tL'ere the cause of the misliafs. He replaces them by another pair which permit a wider range of vision. Through these he is able to contemplate the en- trance of iliss TucKZY, a subdued mach'.ne of a xvoman^ who accepts, without kick of any kind, the ^lould she has been poured into ) Miss Tuckev. Good-moming, Sir. {Like a well-fed fish catching at a fiy from mere Jiabit, the Professor engulfs and returns the salutation bx an inaudible movement of tfte lips.) Professor, Miss Tuckev, there is something broken over there, will you please see ir removed? And v.ili you kindly make a note to write to Messrs. Spink and \\'edge, and say that these new glasses don't suit me — I find them ver;v trj-ing to the — {About to say '' temper" he substitutes) — to the eyes. And I must ask you to fetch those proofs which came yesterday. I tried to caix:h you just now, but you had gone. (/« this statement tkere is a note of rebuke for a too precipitate obedience to sumftions. But by the foresight of Miss Tuckey, the proofs are there; she deposits them in front of him.) Professor. Oh. very v.ell. Thank you. Any letters? (Those also she deposits, in two heaps, the business ones opened, the private and personal untouched) When did these come? Miss Tuckey. Most of them last night, sir, after you had gone to bed. {The Professor, tentatively inspecting them, re- members that he must change his glasses again. The magnifying lens proves informative.) 8 BIRD IN HAND Professor. Ah! here is one from Miss Elfrida, I see. Miss Tuckey. (As she collects and removes the fragments of the Benger's Food bowl) That only came this morning. Professor. Wasn't she to be back to-day? Miss Tuckey. Yes. They are expecting her quite soon. About twelve, I believe. (The Pro- fessor looks at his watch, and then remembers that lie has fault to find zvith the clock, and inci- dentally 2vith her) Professor. That clock is three quarters of a minute slow, Miss Tucky. (Miss Tuckey at once goes to correct it) It should now be at four and a quarter minutes past. A clock that loses time is so disturbing — especially when it strikes. It puts me out of my stride for the rest of the day. (He begins looking at his correspondence) And now, if you will attend to me! (Miss Tuckey is already standing meekly to attention) You have your note- book? Miss Tuckey. Yes, sir. Professor. Take this, then ! (He consults once more the letter which he has picked up from his opened correspondenec) — " Mr. James Pomeroy."^ (I think it is Pomeroy) — He writes on good note- paper with a crest; I suppose I must answer him. " Dear Sir " — Oh ! while I think of it, make a note that the extra plates for the new edition of "Ob- jective Science " have not come through as ad- vised ; and they must not go to press till I have passed them. What have you got ? Miss Tuckey. " Mr. James Pomeroy, Dear Sir." Professor. No, better make it " Sir." These parasitic correspondents ought not to be encouraged. " I beg to acknowledge receipt " — no. " I have to acknowledge " — have — " the receipt of your letter " — date so and so. " With the proposition therein set forth, I cannot find myself in agreement. The limits BIRD IN HAND. 9 of sensory receptivity are patent to every scientist." Miss Tuckey. The limits of what? — I beg par- don. Professor. " Sen-sory re-ceptivity " — in other words, the receptivity of the senses. " That fact, however, does not provide any legitimate ground for a belief in those magical or supernatural occurrences through which, as 1 apprehend, you seek to counter- balance the deductions of science. I find no reason to doubt that however much still lies beyond the ap- prehension of our senses, it must all nevertheless be within the range of a scientific explanation. I am, Sir, yours faithfully " — {He takes up another letter) Oh, that is from Messrs. Moody & Prose. Just say " received," and have made a note. This is to take the chair at the International Science Conference for the discussion on the " Homology of the Invertebrates." Say I accept the honor and am their obedient servant^ — That is, no. That is " no "^—{He hands letter) That impertinence you need not answer — And now, take this — " Mrs. Daphnephoria Brown — the Seminary, Brunswick- ville, Connecticut " — " My Dear Madam, Your very flattering proposal to arrange a compendium from my various studies in Objective Scinelce, entitled ' Sufficient unto the Day,' and intended to provide a basis for the accurate biological training of the very young, gives gratifying evidence of the interest you take in and the value which you attach to my literary labors. I am inclined, however, to think that the terminological exactitude so necessary to scientifilc statement could not be accommodated to the range of the child-mind without a certain damage to the content " — Of course, that means to the scientific content, not to the child's mind. (No, no, don't take that ! That was only commentary — " Should I, on later consideration, see any possible adjust- ment of my works to your proposed scheme I shall not fail to communicate with vou further in the 10 BIRD IN HAND. matter. I am, dear Madam, yours very truly " — That you can destroy, and the address you need not keep. (He hands over the letter to Miss Tuckey) And I think that is all — Oh, wih you fetch me the file of Professor Lake Jones' articles on the " Rudi- ments of Corpuscular Gravity " which appeared in last year's " Science Journal." You will find it in the Press Bureau, i think, under " R." (Miss TucKY goes to look for the file in the small inner chamber, from zvhich, as she opens the door, comes a brighter light of day than enters the study through the tempering green blinds) And now for Elfrida. (He opens letter) Well, well, well! What is she sending me this botanical specimen for, I wonder? It looks like a leaf of the Hornbean — Carpinus Betulus, if I am not mistaken. {He examines the leaf, then lays it down and returns to the letter) Dear me ! The child has such a hand-writing that I can't read a word of it. Miss Tuckey, your eyes are better than mine, will you kindly read me this letter ? (Miss Tuckey has returned with the required file. She puts it dozifn and takes up the letter.) Miss Tuckey. " Dearest Grandpapa " Professor. Yes, yes, I read that. Miss Tuckey. " I am coming back to-morrow — I have had a lovely time. So did Benjy : we went everwhere together, but he always would go into the water, and I had to stay out " Professor. Benjy is the dog, I believe. Miss Tuckey. " That was wrong of him, wasn't it? — To-day in the wood I saw a tree full of fairies, it was wonderful. But when I came they all climbed up and hid behind the leaves, so I wasn't able to catch one. But I send you a leaf off the tree, so as to show it was a real one, and not what you call my ' magination ' " BIRD IN HAND. ii Professor. Oh, so that's what the botanical specimen is for, is it? — Yes? Miss Tuckey. " Please keep it till I come, then I will tell you all about it " Professor. Miss Tuckey, I wish you would not leave that door open ! There's a dreadful draught at my back. Miss Tuckey. It isn't open sir. Professor. Well, there's a draught somewhere — Quite a wind ! It seemed to come all of a sudden ; and there! it has blown away Miss Elfrida's leaf that was here a moment ago. (He friggles and moves his head uneasily, as though the draught still afflicted him) You had better re-arrange that screen. Well, is that all the letter? Miss Tuckey. Yes, sir, except she sends her love. (She goes and re-arranges the screen) Professor. Very well. That is all, thank you, for the present. Just draw down those blinds be- fore you go. The light is too strong, it tries my eyes. (Miss Tuckey lozvers the blinds) I should be glad to have that article for Hibbered's copied be- fore post-time. Miss Tuckey. Certainly, sir. Professor. And when Miss Elfrida comes will you send her up to me? Miss Tuckey. Yes, sir. (She collects her papers and goes out, and the Professor settles to his zvriting. Putting aside Elfrida's letter, conspicuous by reason of its being zvrittcn on pink paper, reminds him of the vanished leaf. He gives a momentary look for it to right and left: but the thing is unim- portant, and dismissing it, he gets to work. This so entirely absorbs him that he is unaware of being looked at. Above the top of the writ- ing-table a pair of strange eyes gradually em- erge. Dark and insect-like, they stare at him 12 BIRD IN HAND. out of a small green face, sharp, queer, and sug- gestive of a brain with a vivacious but detached standpoint. Out of the head sprout long horn^ or antennae; the creature is a curious mixture of beetle, bird, and grasshopper. Its color from head to foot is bright green. Fixing on the Professor a stare of tininformcd and quite unintelligent interrogation, it moves slowly round the ivriting-table till it stands opposite to him. Presently it smacks its lips, and begins a soft jabber to itself, not much louder than the whip of leaves on a zvindozv-pane.) Bird-in-Hand. Quit-a-quit ! Quit-a-quit ! Quit- a-quit ! {The Professor, thinking he hears something, looks up through his reading-glasses, and cannot be- lieve his eyes. At once his grievance is against the optician. ) Professor. Really ! — these glasses ! — How they do strain one's eyes! (He takes them off, and puts on his distance-glasses; but the apparition remains, vibrating up and down on its toes as though rather pleased zvith itself. The Professor considers it from a variety of attitudes, and zvith a growing apprehension that he really is seeing something) Dear me, now ! This is most extraordinary ! — It almost makes me believe my eyes. {He en- deavors to reconstruct his thoughts on scientific lines) — Now, let me think, let me think! How many cups of green-tea did I have this morning? Bird-in-Hand. Sik-silk-silk-silk-silk-silk-silk ! Professor. Six, I believe it was ! — Did that thing speak? {A pause) Bird-in-Hand. {With a slozv, meditative, rather plaintive introduction) Chwee-e-weet ! Professor. But, but this is an hallucination! BIRD IN HAND. 13 Bird-in-Hand. Chich-a-wee ! Professor. An hallucination, I say! Bird-in-Hand. Chich-a-wee ! Professor. {Trying to reject the evidence of his senses) No, no, no ! — I must be ill ! — Over- work ! Bird-in-Hand. Chip-chip-chip-chip-chewee-e-e ! Professor. What — Am I going out of my senses? (He makes a dive for the telephone) Station 1228, please — yes ! i double 2, 8 ! Bird-in-Hand. Two-eight ! Two-eight ! — Eight ! eight ! eight ! eight ! eight ! eight ! (The note is still yozv and plaintive, but the Pro- fessor gets more and more frightened.) Professor. I can't bear this ; I can't bear it ! — My nerves won't stanr it ! Bird-in-Hand. Chip it ! — Chip it ! (The 'phone calls him.) Professor. Is Doctor Locum — ? Oh, Doctor, is that you? — Will you, please, come and see me at once ? — Braintree — Professor Braintree. Yes— most urgent — I'm afraid I've, I've — broken down. Bird-in-Hand. What? Wliat? What? What? What? Professor. No, no, a blood-vessel! — But do come immediately ! — Yes. Don't lose a moment, I beg — Good-bye Bird-in-Hand. Sh-sh-sh-wee ! Sh-sh— sh-wee ! —Oh, why?— Oh, v.-hy?— Oh, why ?— Spit-it-out ! Spit-it-out ! (The Professor with a gorgonised stare has been trying to ride the thing out; nozv by a firm ef- fort of zvill he seeks to dismiss it from his ) mind.) 14 BIRD IN HAND. Professor. No, no, it's not there ! I don't see it, I don't see it, I don't see it. 1 (But he does see it; that's the trouble. It advances its head slowly towards him, then draws it back again, and with a more cheerful note than be- fore, as if to encourage him, remarks:) Bird-in-Hand. Che-wit! {At this the Professor shuts his eyes, and con- tinues to exercise his zuill-power, tinder condi- tions ivhich make the assertion more tenable.) Professor. I don't see it and I won't see it! I won't see it! — I — I dismiss it entirely from my mind. It isn't there! {While he is thtis tackling the problem the creature shifts its position, and noiv standing at his back, views him from a fresh stand- point with the same blank stare of a curiosity that comprehends nothing. The Professor opens his eyes again. Will-power has apparently prevailed. He no longer sees the object of his aversion) That's better! {He begins cautiously to turn his head first to right then to left. It gives him a great start to find the green horned creature close behind him. This is too much like having a caterpillar dozvn his back for equanimity. Irrespressibly he jumps up) Professor. Get out ! Bird-in-ITand, Che- wee — che-wee — ichewee— chewee — chewee! {The creature flies off crying like a startled black-bird. The Professor, seeing that it responds to voice and gesture, tries driving it) Professor. Shoo ! Shoo, get out with you ! Scat! But no, no, I mustn't do that! If I do that, I shall end by making myself think it exists. No, I must endeavor to dismiss it from my mind. There ! There ! Now it's gone. BIRD IN HAND. 15 {Leaning kis head on hh hand, he sits with munch- ing month, wriggling nervously in his seat. Meantime the creature, sliding alongside the table, and tottching things tentatively with its claw-like fingers, lights on the typewriter. As the click of the instrument catches its fancy, it makes a scrambling attack upon the keys ■with acompanying noise curiously resembling the ivell-known saw: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper corns." That, hoivever, is merely coincidence — the sounds it emits be- ing merely a running commentary on the letter P) Bird-in-Hand. Peet-a-pipe ! — Pick-a-peck — Pick-a-peppa-kum ! — E-peet-a-pipe — a pick-a-pick — a-pick-a-pepp a-kum. Wees-a-pejck, a pick-a-peppa- kum. Peet-a-pipe-a-pick ! {At this outburst of oratory the Professor, after sitting spellbound for a moment, makes a vicious flick zvith his handkerchief, and the green imp ducks and disappears.) Professor. Well — I — hope I'm better! {This hope is almost at once put to rout. The Professor apprehensively snatches back his feet from the knee- hole of the writng-table , and his brain is once more seised by panic) Oh! I felt it! I felt it — I'm out of all my senses now ! — If this keeps on much longer, I shall go stark staring mad ! {But noiv the creature's interest is diverted else- where. Rising and pirouretting across the room, it comes suddenly upon the case of stuffed birds, and stands transfixed with astonishment. These frozen bits of bird-life seem to baffle its zvits. It taps the glass-case, and after a close scrutiny i6 BIRD IN HAND tries with sounds and a flapping motion of the hands to coax the occupants back to life.) Bird-in-Hand. Chich-a-wee ! Chich-a-wee ! — • Tweet, tweet ! Wee-wee-wee ! Chi(ck-a-wake ! — Oh, why? — Tickle 'em up! Too-to-weet! Too-to- weet! — Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat! Quick, quick! Josophat ! Josophat ! Whit-a-woo ? — Drink-and- eat ! Tr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r ! Professor. Oh ! But this is horrible ! — It's true ! It really exists! (He sits petrified) Bird-in-Hand. Tr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Professor. And / don't! — I don't! — I don't! Bikd-in-Hand. Cheer-up! Cheer-up! Cheer- up! — Oh, why? (Petrifaction gives way to fury) Professor. Stop it! Stop it, I say! (He picks tip a pamphlet and throzvs it with random aim, this hit-or-miss has little effect. A deep sadness at its failure to rouse the birds has taken the tree-imp. Crying hi a lozv plaintive note it turns tozvards him) Bird-in-Hand. Wee-wee! wee-wee-wee! (It advances slozuly tozvards him. The Professor makes a grab at the speaking-tube, and blozvs, then speaks down it.) Professor. Miss Tuckey, are you there! Miss Tuckey ! Bird-in-Hand. (Halting for a moment) Tuckey, tuckey, tuckey — Tuck ! — tuck ! — tuck ! Professor. Would you come up, please, for one moment ! Bird-in-Hand. (Secretively) Sh — sh — wee ! (As if on a tour of exploration, it disappears behind the screen at his back) Professor. Now I shall know whether I am mad or not. Yes, I shall know! — (Enter Miss Tuckey. The Professor faces her in some confusion. The relief of her presence lets him dozvn and it is hard BIRD IN HAND. 17 yor Jihii to collect his ivits) I — I — I want you to see that those proofs go, Miss Tuckey — by the first post. Miss Tuckey. Yes, sir — (She looks a little sur- prised and nonplussed) Did you want anything else, sir? Professor. Oh, well, and if you would kindly rearrange that screen ? I still feel rather a draught. (Miss Tuckey goes and readjusts the screen. It is evident that, as she goes behind it, no appari- tion confronts her; she emerges as machine-like as ever, calm and collected.) Miss Tuckey. Will that be as you wish? Professor. Thank you. Miss Tuckey. Is that all, sir? Professor. Yes, that is all. {He looks cautiously round, and as she goes out gets up and looks behind the screen himself. Nothing is there) But this is horrible ! I saw it ! Oh ! if I didn't see it, I'm going mad ! "■^. (Almost immediately in another part of the room the apparition re-appears.) Bird-in-Hand. Peweet, peweet ! Chus-luk-a- mee ! Chus-Iuk-a-mee ! (With this, the spring cry of the peczvit, sounding so much like "Just look at me!" it displays a hitherto unsuspected pozver of levitation in a Series of surprising bounds into air, as though its feet zvent up from spring-boards.) Professor. Ah ! Now then ! Now ! (From a corner rack behind him the Professor snatches a large green butter-fly net, and for a fezv moments you have the degrading spectale i8 . BIRD IN HAND of an. eminent scientist, pursuing on the material plane something which he does not really believe to exist. But the pursuit soon ends. The imp is too agile, the pace is too killing, and the Professor in his stumhling course has knocked over a number of things that he did not intend to. Exhausted, he sits dozvn again to breathe. Once more the creature has disappeared. Thus momentarily relieved, he perceives the disarray into zvhich the chamber has been throzvn, and proceeds to pick things up. Apparently from its place of conceahnent the creature is zvatch- ing him, for almost immediately he hears its voice. ) Bird-in-Hand. Pick-it-up ! Pick-it-up ! (To be thus ordered about by an apparition is try- ing to the Professor's temper. He slaps dozvn his gleanings on the table, and makes a second grab for the butterfly net.) Professor. No — no, I mustn't do that : it's no good. I must think ! Bird-in-Hand. Think — think — think — think — think ! Professor. I will just go on with my writing Bikd-in-Hand. Do it ! — do it ! — do it ! Professor, —as if nothing had happened at all — Perhaps it hasn't! (But again the creature has re- appeared) Oh, do get away! Bird-in-Hand. Chich-a-wee! Che- wee ! (Real- ising it is not zvqnted, it roams off and begins once more to inspect the room. Before long it runs its finger dozvn a pile of papers high up on a shelf, and the papers tip over and fly out across the floor. Fleeing before them) Che-wee — Che-wee — Che- wee, Che-wee — Che-wee ! BIRD IN HAND. 19 (The Professor is nozu so angry thai he has left off being frightened. He jumps up to rescue his papers. ) Professor. Hallucination, you are a perfect nuisance ! Bird-in-Hand. (Coaxingly) Che-wee-wee? (The Professor collects the strezvn papers from the floor; and as he goes about gathering them up, the creature follozi'S him, with round inquisitive eyes at all he does. He opens chest and begins to deposit the papers inside. Curious to spy into this nezu interior, the creature stretches out a hands. ) Professor. (Very irritably) Why can't you let things alone? Bird-tn-Hand. (Derisvely) Chich-e-zvee! (With a sportive dive it plunges into the chest, tossing up the loosely arranged papers into fresh confusion. On this last bit of exasperating frivolity the Professor slams dozvn the lid, and locks it; and the tree imp is boxed up zvithin. It takes him a moment or tzvo to realise his triumph. It is a little difficult, indeed, to knozv on zvhat lines to take it. Has the locking of the chest, zuith the hallucination inside, disposed of the hallucination f His doubt is solved almost at once, for from the inside of the chest the halhicination once more becomes a%tdible) What? What? What?— I say! Let it out! Let it out! Quick! Quick !— Oh, why? — (A pause. The Professor stands considering; he has the key. He retreats tozvard the table, and lays it dozvn. The chest continues to give forth sound. A tapping begins upon the lid, and in a gradual diminuedo the chattering goes on. The Professor dips a pen, and tries to resume his zvriting, but his interest is still held) I say! I say! I say! Pick it 20 BIRD IN HAND. out! Pick it out! What? What ?— What ? What? —What? What? What? What? What? What? — Tweet-weet ! wee, wee, wee, wee ! Oh, why ? — What?— Oh, why?— What?— Oh, why? (The sound is nozv so faint that the Professor can scarcely hear. He again dips his pen and resolutely starts writing. There comes another "Oh, ivhy" which he does not hear. His nerves are recovering somezvhat, encouraged by the ensuing silence; but he gives a sharp start when the whistle of the speaking-tube blozus. He un- stops it and listens.) Professor. Oh, yes. Will you ask him to wait one moment? {He gets up and goes cautiously to- zvard the chesty stops and listens at it for a moment, zuith apprehension that turns to a sort of doubtful relief) Nothing, nothing there, at all ! (Neverthe- less, he gives a last look of suspicion, and pauses one last second before again applying his mouth to the speaking-tube) Ask Dr. Locum to come up. (Catching sight of the butterfly-net, he goes to put it away, and has just done so when the Doctor enters.) Doctor. How are you. Professor? Nothing very serious, I hope — (The Professor holds himself in. He is now feel- ing a little aggrieved at the shock he has ex- perienced.) Professor. Doctor, I— I want you to examine me, before I~before I say anything. Doctor. Examine you? — in what way? Professor. Just find out my symptoms — my state of health, generally. Doctor. Well, Professor, let's see the tongue! Then I'll take your temperature — Sleep well ? BIRD IN HAND. 21 Professor. Much as usual. Doctor. Appetite good? Professor. Yes — fairly. {At this moment in goes the thermometer, and the Professor becomes temporarily speechless. The Doctor feels his pulse, looking at his watch meanwhile) Docker Hours ? Plave you been keeping late hours Professor. M — m ! (Assisted by gestures this sound stands for "no") DocTER. Everything quite regular — as usual? Professor. M — m (This time it means "yes") DocTER. Yes: the pulse is a little bit agitated. Have you been putting yourself to any unusual ex- ertion lately? Professor. M — m! (This melancholy moan of affirmatioyi is emphasised by a m,otion of the head. And the Professor's eyes tvirn toivard the chest) Doctor. Ah ! but you shouldn't do that ! you must take more care of yourself. Your heart isn't what it was. Mustn't expect it at your age. Now then, let's see! (Withdraws and examines thermometer) Professor. Circumstances, over which I have no control, caused me to exert myself. Doctor. Well you know, there's not much wrong. Temperature about normal. Professor. Doctor, a most extraordinary thing has just happened. I must tell you about it. Doctor. H'm — h'm? (He sits down) Professor. I was sitting here at my work — I was writing — there ! as you see. Does that in any way look agitated ? (Shows him, a paper) Doctor. I should not say so. Professor. Does it make any sense? Doctor. " When all the objectie data presented to sense-receptivity are compared, and the dif- ferentiations of their varying incentives and re- actions properly allowed for — " Well, I should say so — not that I altogether understand it. 22 BIRD IN HAND. Professor No, but it is constructive ? -Would you say the man who wrote that was out of his sences ? Doctor. Most certainly not! Professor. I only wish to show that I was in the full possession of my faculties, my ordinaiy work-a- day mind. Doctor. Very well. Professor, I accept that. Professor. Well — Suddenly I glanced up, and there I saw a horrid little green thing looking at me — with eyes ! Doctor. Yes : it would have eyes, if it was look- ing at you. Professor. Very curious eyes. Doctor, — like a young bird's ; and it had horns also — And — well, there it was, you know ! — At first I didn't believe it, I thought it was green tea — I tried to dismiss it from my mind altogether. But — it w^ouldn't let me. Before I knew where I was, it — it spoke to me. Doctor. Did you speak to itF Professor. Yes, I did. Doctor. Fatal thing to do, Professor. Of course in that vv^ay you encouraged the — the phantasy. Professor. Ah, but it was not / who spoke first — At least I was only talking to myself. And suddenly it said — "Six, six, six, six, six," — just like that! Doctor. Was that in answer to anything? Professor. Well, in a sort of way, yes — I had just said to myself: "Now, how many cups of green tea did I have this morning?" — And then it made the remark. Doctor. And six was the number? Professor. There, or thereabouts. Doctor. Very well. Professor. Now, better not think any more about it. I'll make you up a pre- scription. And you had better quite knock ofif that green tea for a little while. Professor. But that's not all, Doctor. Doctor. Do you think you need tell me any more ? BIRD IN HAND. 23 Professor. Yes. You don't how real it seemed. Doctor. It would give you that impression. Professor. But even now. Doctor. Yes, yes. But there will be a reaction. That will pass. Professor. But — Doctor — I'm not satisfied. Doctor. You will be. Don't dwell on it ! You'll get all right again. Don't work too much at night, and don't sit up late. Professor. I go to bed regularly every night at a quarter to ten. Doctor. Good ! Then just for the present make it half-past nine. Professor. Doctor, I want to explain — At first, of course, I took the view that you take. I did not for a moment believe that such a thing could exist. I regarded it as an hallucination. But later on, it — well I came to think otherwise — It did such d lot of things — that I could not myself have con- ceived — and once it actually touched me. That was a great shock. Doctor. Yes, it would be, naturally. But you were indulging the Professor. No, no, Doctor, I was not. I — Well, now what I want to tell you is this. When I began to think that there was something real about it after all, I — then, I'm sorry to say, I let myself go, and I pursued it — all over the room. Doctor. Any good? Professor. None whatever. I knocked over a few things, that's all. I was picking them up just before you came in. Doctor. Well, and then? (7^he Professor's eye travels toward the chest; but he is unable to confess himself quite honestly.) Professor. Then — it disappeared. Doctor. And you haven't seen it since? 24 BIRD IN HAND. Professor. No. Doctor. Nor heard it? Professor. I have not — . That is, no. Doctor. Well, then, that's all right. Professor. I hope so. Doctor, I haven't quite explained to you the shock it was to me. It was that terrible moment when I thought that, after all, there might be something in it ! At that moment I saw all my life's work disappear. All my science, all my philosophy — gone! Everything I had written — worth nothing ! Doctor. Well, well, but don't dwell on it! Professor. It was terrible! Doctor. But it wasn't true. Professor. No — But for a moment it seemed true. That is really what-what gave me such a shock Doctor. Well, it's over. Now, don't think any more of it. That is the best cure. You say you haven't been sleepless? Professor. No — but I shall be. Doctor. Oh, no. We'll see to that ! I'll send you the right thing. To-night you'll sleep like a top. {He gets up to go.) Professor. Thank you. Good-bye. (The Doctor starts to go) You don't think that I'm really off my head, do you? Doctor. No, no, Nerves a little bit upset, that's all ! — a little too much work, a little too much sitting still, a little too much indoors — and a little too much green tea. Many a little makes a mickle. Professor. I don't want it to occur again. Doctor. Doctor. It shan't, sir, it shan't ! Now, good- bye ; I must be off ! Professor. Thank you. Good-bye. (The Doctor goes out. The Professor stands looking at the chest) And to think how I saw it go in there ! (He goes and stands by the chest; listens for a long time, then taps) Is anyone — ? — Is anything there? — Ah! That's all right, then! — I hope. (He goes BIRD IN HAND. 25 hack to his seat. Then his eye falls on the key; he takes hold of it, and is about to get up again. With an effort he sits back, letting the key go) No, I will not I — But suppose — suppose it were there after all ! No, no, no—. It wouldn't do at all. Every- body would think that I was mad — Well, I must — I must try to get on with my work. (He composes himself to tin-ite. Presently there enters an attractive little figure in a knitted cap, jersey, and skirt of bright green. This is Elfrida. She ad- ■vances very quietly, with a roguish smile, stops at the table and stands looking at him. Suddenly, with the tail of his eye, the Professor catches sight of her. It gives him a dreadful start; but a look at her over the top of his glasses reassures him) Effie! Why, Effie, m.y dear, what a start you gave me! Elfrida. {Getting nearer the truth than she knmvs) You thought I was a fairy. Professor. No, I didn't think you w-ere a fairy. I thought you were an hallucination ! Elfrida. What's that? Professor. Something that's not real, my dear. (Elfrida lias sidled round to the back of his chair; . and nozv, from behind, she gives him an affec- tionate hug.) Elfrida. I'm real. Professor. Thank God for that ! — Well ? Elfrida. Oh. Grandpapa, I've had such a lovely time ! You got my letter ? Professor. Yes, my dear — Oh, by the way, you've come just too late. Elfrida. What for? Professor. The Doctor, my dear. I wanted him to see you. Elfrida. Why ? Professor. To tell me how you are. Elfrida. But I'm quite well — ever so well ! 26 BIRD IN HAND. Professor. I hope so, my dear, but one never knows. Elfrida. / do ! And Grandpapa, you got my present, didn't you ? Professor. Your present? Elfrjda. In my letter — What came off the tree that had fairies in it. Professor. Oh, yes, yes. It's somewhere about here, {He starts to search, then remembers) Oh, no ! It blew away : — it's on the floor somewhere. Elfrida. And you do believe what I told you — don't you. Grandpapa? Professor. Well — I've thought about it. Elfrida. It was true — I saw them ! You must believe that ! Professor. Well, I don't know — One isn't sure. So you've had a good time, eh ? Efrida. Grandpapa — If you could only make people knozu there were fairies, wouldn't it be wonderful ? Professor. I suppose it would be, my dear. Elfrida. But no one believes in them now, do they? Professor. No, not usually. Elfrida. Grandpapa, if you were ever able to find one — wouldn't it be grand? Professor. Would it, my dear? Elfrida. Did you ever try ? Professor. Once I did, for a short time. But if I were to, no one would believe me. Elfrida. Oh. but if you found it and showed it to them, they'd have to. Professor. Yes, I suppose they would, my dear. Elfrida. And then you'd be ever such a great person — much greater than you are now ! Professor. But my dear, you — you don't under- stand. If people were told that Professor Braintree believed in faries — why, they would laugh! BIRD IN HAND. 27 Elfrida. You'd laugh, too — but you could laugh longer than they would. Professor. Eh ? Elfrida. Why, it would be like a miracle ! People would begin to love fairies again, then. Professor. Well — perhaps. Green isn't my favorite color. Elfrida. It's funny your saying that ! The fairy / saw was green. Professor. Was it? Elfrida. And it had long horns, and its mouth and eyes were just like a young bird's (This almost startles the Professor out of his skin. Blinking and munching, he sits staring, zvhile Elfrida continues to deal her devastating blows) And it ran round be- hind the tree, and when I got there, it was gone. If you'd been there. Grandpapa, to run round the other Avay Professor. Run round? Elfrida. And if you'd had your butterfly net — {This gives the Professor a fresh jerk) Why, we could have caught it ! Professor. Well, I'm not so sure—? Perhaps. Elfrida. But, Grandpapa, you are believing what I tell you, aren't you ? — I saw it — really I did ! Professor. I would like to believe it, my dear — It would make a great difference to my state of health. When you saw it, didn't it upset you? Elfrida. No ! Professor. It didn't frighten you? Elfrida. No ! Why ? Professor. Not even when you ran after it? Elfrida. Why, no ! Of course it ran, too. But it was quite nice about it. Professor. Was it, indeed? Elfrida. It made a noise at me — just like a bird — a nice bird. Professor. Did it say " Sick, sick, sick, sick ?" 28 BIRD IN HAND. Elfrida. No ; it only went " Chewee ! Chewee !" — just like that! Professor. Then I'm not mad after all ! Elfrida. Grandpapa, what's the matter? Professor My dear — you would really like to see that — that thing again? Elfrida. Why, yes ! Professor. Green, and with horns, and eyes? — Hear it again? Elfrida. Yes. Professor. Run after it again? — with a butterfly net? Elfrida. And catch it ? Oh, yes ! Professor. Well, my dear, there's — there's no accounting for tastes. But I begin to think that I'm not so mad as I thought I was. Elfrida. I never thought you were mad. Grand- papa. Professor. Thank you, my dear. I'm glad of that— Now, look here, you see that chest? This is the key to it — Now, will you go and open it? And don't be afraid of anything you find in it — It's all right. (Elfrida goes and opens the chest. And while she stands for a moment looking in, nonplussed, there is much more excitement in the Profes- sor's demeanor than in hers.) Elfrida. But, Grandpapa, there's nothing! Oh! (At this cry of discovery the strain on the Profes- sor's feelings qrozvs intense. Elfrida stoops and picks up something) Why, it's the leaf! — The leaf of that tree what I sent you ! — Oh ! Professor. The leaf, you say? — Bring it here. Elfrida. And it's all quite withered and dead! (She brings it across to him, and the Professor looks at it tvith curious eyes.) Professor. So it is, to be sure ! — Quite withered BIRD IN HAND. 29 and dead. Well, there ! Put it down, my dear, leave it alone ! — And now you had better run away. I must get on with my work. Elfrida. What shall I do with it, Grandpapa? Professor. Put it in the waste-paper basket, my dear ! — That's right. Now, run away ! (And so the dead leaf drops to its repose on a bed of scrapped science shif tings. From that fairy- fimcral Elfrida turns, doivn-cast and sad, and with head bent and hands straight as though under some deep disgrace, goes softly out of the room. As the door closes behind her the Professor gives a look into the zvaste-paper basket, then heaves a sigh of relief, and goes on ivith his zvork.) Curtain. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS