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MILES OF SMILES 
 
MILES OF SMILES 
 
 By EBEN LESH 
 
 M 
 
 Illustrated hy 
 R. W. MANN 
 
 BARNHART BOOK STORE 
 
 Huntington, Indiana 
 
 1922 
 
^s^^ 
 
 
 Copyright, 1922 
 EBEN LESH 
 
 ©C.IAG92320 
 
THESE POEMS ARE DEDICATED 
 TO 
 
 MY WIFE 
 
 WHOSE INTERPRETIVE READINGS 
 
 MAKE THEM SEEM BETTER 
 
 THAN THEY ARE. 
 
TABLE OF CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Our Grocery Man 9 
 
 Pa Draws the Line on Receptions 12 
 
 When Pa Puts Up the Stovepipe 18 
 
 Sweetheart Days 20 
 
 Smiling Brighter 26 
 
 Sally Ann 27 
 
 Outing at Webster Lake 29 
 
 Ma and Pa Go to Chicago 34 
 
 The Blessings of Thanksgiving Day 37 
 
 The Weather 40 
 
 He Didn't Say His Prayers 42 
 
 Hold Still Bobbie 44 
 
 Pa He Is My Chum 46 
 
 Stingy Sol Dole 49 
 
 I've Been Thinkin' of Joinin' the "Y" 53 
 
 Tom Jenkins Is a Purty Good Squire 56 
 
 Wite in the Dwawin' Room 59 
 
 Quietin' Title 61 
 
 Returned from Exile 63 
 
 When Ma Cleans House 65 
 
 Legislative Duties 67 
 
 Ma's Savin' of the World 70 
 
 When Si Plumpkins Ran for Congress 73 
 
 Back to the Ole Home Place \ . . . 76 
 
 Gossipers 81 
 
 Wite in the Thool Room 84 
 
 The Baseball Fan 85 
 
 Sister Is Afraid of a Mouse 87 
 
 Nothing Else to Do 91 
 
 Contentment 93 
 
 Nature's Beauty 94 
 
 Sol Henry's Betrothal 96 
 
 Never Grow Old 98 
 
 Great Idees 100 
 
 Stay With the Farm 101 
 
 Living Just Now 103 
 
 Mother's Love 105 
 
 White Roses 106 
 
 Touched by the Hand of the Lord 109 
 
MILES OF SMILES 
 OUR GROCERY MAN 
 
 The man what brings us groceries, 
 
 Is an awful funny man ; 
 He comes a drivin' like Gee Whiz, 
 
 And bustles in and then 
 He jams the onions in a bag 
 
 And slams the kitchen door 
 And spills the coal oil on the rug 
 
 And beans upon the floor 
 And hurries 'round as if the world 
 
 Would come to sudden end 
 If one wee teeny moment his 
 
 Activities suspend, 
 And then he backs against the wall 
 
 And then he stands and gawks 
 And whistles tunes he makes himself 
 
 And talks and talks and talks 
 And it isn't Ma he's talkin' to 
 
 But it's our hired girl. 
 
 And once this grocer man he came 
 
 When Ma was out for tea, 
 And Sis was gone and no one home 
 
 But Cindy Jane and me, 
 And me, they didn't count for much 
 
 I was so teeny small, 
 I guess they didn't care 'bout me, 
 
 I didn t count at all. 
 
10 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And Cindy Jane made lemonade 
 
 And poured it in a cup 
 And he would drink and she would drink 
 
 And so they drank it up ; 
 But when he tried to kiss our Jane 
 
 W'y Cindy Jane she balked, 
 But still he stayed and stayed and stayed, 
 
 And talked and talked and talked, 
 And it wasn't Ma he's talkin' to 
 
 But it was our hired girl. 
 
 And 'en one time this grocer man 
 
 He brought along one day 
 A awful bag of chocolates, 
 
 And Pa was heard to say 
 To Ma 'You're gettin' stravagant 
 
 To buy all this fer Paul," 
 And when he zamined of the bill 
 
 It wasn't on at all; 
 Of peanuts and of peppermints 
 
 He brought an awful lot 
 And brought 'em all for Cindy Jane, 
 
 And Cindy Jane she got 
 'Bout everything that girls could want 
 
 And gave a lot away 
 To sister Nan and me because 
 
 We'd alius run away. 
 But wasn't us he brought 'em to; 
 
 It was our hired girl. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 11 
 
 And now we haven't any girl; 
 
 She went and runned away 
 And married this here grocer man 
 
 That used to come and stay, 
 And talked so long and bringed along 
 
 So many pretty things 
 And give her sweets and nuts and meats 
 
 And creams and finger rings ; 
 I'll tell you what, when I get big 
 
 I'll be a grocer man 
 And whistle tunes like Jerry Jones 
 
 And hustle all I can, 
 And some day possibly a girl 
 
 Like Cindy Jane, I'll meet. 
 And if I do, I'll marry her 
 
 If she is half as sweet 
 
 As our hired girl. ^ 
 
12 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 PA DRAWS THE LINE ON 
 RECEPTIONS 
 
 I think my Pa's about as nice 
 
 As any one's Pa can be ; 
 He likes to go to picture shows 
 
 And alius takes Ma and me. 
 And when the circus comes to town 
 
 You bet my Pa is there, 
 And Ma and me are with him too, 
 
 We're with him everywhere. 
 He takes us on the shoot the shoots 
 
 And rides the merry go round. 
 And when the carnival comes to town 
 
 My Pa and me are found 
 A watchin' the charmer charm the snakes, 
 
 Or the rider ridin' the mule, 
 Or the acrobat a battin' away 
 
 Or the clown a act in' the fool. 
 
 But Pa draws the line on receptions. 
 
 One day my Ma said to my Pa, 
 "Put on your best est togs, 
 
 For a swell affair is go in' to be had 
 Down here at Matilda Groggs; 
 
 The Lukenses folks and Flukenses folks 
 And Jenkinses folks I guess. 
 
 And all the other sweU folks in town 
 
 Are goin' to be there in full dress. 
 
^^J 
 
 My Pa runned home in the waist of his coat 
 But the tail he left on the box 
 
MILES OF SMILES 15 
 
 "I've saw the tailor Jerry my dear." 
 
 Speakin' herself to Pa, 
 "And he's a riggin' a spiketail coat." 
 
 Says Ma, Ma says to Pa, 
 "And trousers with pegs around the legs, 
 
 And two button low neck vest, 
 And Pa, we'll be so proud of you, 
 . More sweller than all the rest." 
 
 But Pa draws the line on receptions. 
 
 It's needless to say Ma had her way, 
 
 For Mas most gener'ly do, 
 And there was Pa with his spiketail coat 
 
 And tan picadilly shoe, 
 And there in line was a host of folks, 
 
 Some women and some of 'em men. 
 And they squeezed Ma's hand and squeeze^ 
 Pa's hand 
 
 And mimibled "good evenin' " and then 
 They crowded along from folk to folk 
 
 To hurry the process through. 
 And there was Pa could only say 
 
 "Howdydo, howdydo, howdydo, 
 Howdydo, howdydo, howdydo, howdydo, 
 
 Howdydo, howdydo, howdydo," 
 For Pa ain't used to receptions. 
 
16 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Now Pa drinks cider and cel'ry ves', 
 
 And pop and hot lemonade, 
 But punch is a juice he never had touched, 
 
 And when he saw it he said 
 He'd try and maybe he'd worry it down; 
 
 But when it came to the test 
 His hand so trembled he dropped the glass. 
 
 And spilled it all over his vest. 
 My Ma she says, says she to Pa, 
 
 "Jerry, my honey dear, 
 You spilled the punch all over your pants 
 
 And made a terrible smear." 
 Said Pa, perturbed and all wrought up 
 
 More than he ever had been, 
 "It's worse enough to spill the stuff 
 
 Without you rubbin' it in." 
 Now Pa abhors receptions. 
 
 Now Pa was 'bout as comfort'ble wet 
 
 As ever a man could be. 
 He'd had a 'sperience he wouldn't forget 
 
 Throughout all eternity. 
 He didn't care 'bout talkin' at all 
 
 To the Lukens or Flukenses now ; 
 He hinted to Ma that his mind runned 
 
 It's time to be makin' our bow. 
 It's needless to say Ma had her way 
 
 As Mas most gener'ly do, 
 
MILES OF SMILES 17 
 
 So Pa concluded to circulate 
 
 And see the performance through; 
 
 But Lukenses' wife, two hundred flush, 
 Was sittin' on one of Pa's frocks; 
 
 My Pa runned home in the waist of his coat, 
 But the tail he left on the box. 
 
 Now Pa is done with receptions. 
 
18 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 WHEN PA PUTS UP THE 
 STOVEPIPE 
 
 We all prepare to hold our breath, 
 When Pa puts up the stovepipe. 
 
 It nearly worries Ma to death, 
 
 When Pa puts up the stovepipe. 
 
 For Pa he frets and storms and scowls. 
 And frightens baby till he howls ; 
 Our Polly Parrots scream like owls, 
 And even Fido barks and growls 
 When Pa puts up the stovepipe. 
 
 The joints are scattered here and there. 
 And clouds of smoke befoul the air. 
 And honor bright and on the square, 
 ^he soot is spattered everywhere. 
 When Pa puts up the stovepipe. 
 
 The air's all clouded up and bleared; 
 The wall's all spattered up and smeared: 
 And ashes scattered on the floor 
 And pleasure gone forevermore, 
 
 When Pa puts up the stovepipe. 
 
 My Pa's a christian fair and square, 
 And holds his temper everywhere, 
 And goes to church and leads in prayer, 
 But there is one thing makes Pa swear ; 
 That's putting up the stovepipe. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 19 
 
 One day when Ma was making pies, 
 A cloud of dust bedimmed her eyes, 
 And filled her ears and mouth and nose. 
 And blackened her from head to toes ; 
 Pa's putting up the stovepipe. 
 
 My Ma's so calm and mild and meek, 
 That when she's smote upon one cheek. 
 She turns the other, don't you know, 
 Just like the Bible tells her so; 
 
 When Pa puts up the stovepipe. 
 
 But smiting cheeks is otherwise 
 Than throwing soot in pimipkin pies. 
 And Ma she grabbed the scrubbing broom 
 And swept my Pa clean out the room, 
 When Pa put up the stovepipe. , 
 
 Now Ma is putting water bags. 
 And red hot cloths and mustard rags, 
 All over Pa where he is sore, 
 And Pa he swears that nevermore 
 Will he put up the stovepipe. 
 
20 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 SWEETHEART DAYS 
 
 I've been sittin' in the twilight, 
 
 As the sun is bendin' low, 
 And my thoughts have been re vert in* 
 
 To the days of long ago. 
 I was thinkin' of a Christmas, 
 
 'Twas round forty years or so, 
 When I'se court in' of your mother. 
 
 Blessed thing she didn' know 
 All the things that was a comin' 
 
 Else you'd never have been here; 
 For the flowers along her pathway's 
 
 Not been roses, Laura, dear. 
 It was on the eve of Christmas 
 
 That I took my dapples gray 
 And I hitched them to a bobsled 
 
 And we went and runned away. 
 I can hear the bells a jinglin' 
 
 On those blessed dapple grays, 
 I can hear your mother singin'; 
 
 Those were in our Sweetheart days. 
 
 And we drove out through the country 
 To a place where lived a 'Squire; 
 
 Just a little old log cabin 
 
 And a homely hearth-stone fire ; 
 
 No electric lights to dazzle ; 
 
 No high soundin' weddin' tune; 
 
■^--:j7^4r^ 
 
 I can hear the bells a jinglin' 
 On those blessed dapple grays 
 
MILES OF SMILES 23 
 
 No bouquets to be a sheddin' 
 
 Of their fragrance round the room ; 
 There's no witnesses assembled; 
 
 Not a single bidden guest 
 Save the 'Squire and his good helpmate 
 
 For the weddin' to attest; 
 And out there that bleak December, 
 
 In that God-forsaken spot, 
 That old 'Squire peered o'er his glasses 
 
 For to see to tie the knot ; 
 And he tied it and re-tied it 
 
 In a dozen diff'rent ways, 
 For to tie it most securely, 
 
 For we's in our Sweetheart days. 
 
 Now it wasn't any great while 
 
 Till you came a troopin' in; 
 First was Tommie, then came Robert, 
 
 Next I b'lieve was you, then Jim. 
 What? You say that Robert's older 
 
 By two years than brother Tom ? 
 Well, I never could remember 
 
 Just the order how you come ; 
 But your mother, couldn't fool her, 
 
 She could tell the very day 
 That each one of you was born on. 
 
 She could sing it right away; 
 And when asked how she remembered 
 
 Of so many birthdays rare, 
 
24 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 I can hear your mother say in' 
 *Ta I reckon I was there." 
 
 Oh I think she'd sing our birthdays 
 In a round of perfect lays ; 
 
 Didn't seem to have to falter; 
 
 Those were in our Sweetheart days. 
 
 Then when Christmas was a comin', 
 
 Every year we'd raise a tree 
 And we'd decorate with tinsel 
 
 And all sorts of finery ; 
 And we'd hang your little stockin's 
 
 To the curtain with a pin, 
 And we'd open up the chimney 
 
 Just to let old Santa in, 
 And we'd light the tallow candles, 
 
 And we'd set them on a chair 
 So that in the shades of darkness 
 
 Santa Claus would know just where 
 To deposit of his candies, 
 
 And the million things he had. 
 To delight our little darlin's 
 
 To say nothin' of their dad; 
 And your mother she'd be fixin' 
 
 In a thousand different ways 
 To be making us all happy, 
 
 For we's in our Sweetheart days. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 25 
 
 You're the likeness of your mother; 
 
 You're the only girl she had. 
 Oh I know that boys are splendid, 
 
 Really they're not so bad 
 As they gener'ly are counted, 
 
 But in lookin' in your face. 
 There's the vision of your mother, 
 
 As of yore she used to grace 
 And sustain and bless our household 
 
 In the days of long ago. 
 Oh these reveries are pleasant 
 
 I would have them linger so ; 
 But the pleasure of these memoirs 
 
 Is increased a thousand ways. 
 For here's mother kind as ever; 
 
 Ere abide our Sweetheart days. 
 
26 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 SMILING BRIGHTER 
 
 When the sun is shining brightest 
 
 And it fairly bums your face, 
 And you see old Sol a grinnin' 
 
 In his devilish grimace, 
 Did you ever see a rosebud 
 
 Hang its head and sulk and pout ? 
 Did you ever see a lily 
 
 Act as though it had the gout ? 
 
 They only smile the brighter. 
 
 When the clouds are thickly gathered 
 
 And old Thor begins to roar, 
 And the rain is pouring on you 
 
 And you're wet clean to the core. 
 Did you ever see a lily 
 
 Or a rosebud nod askance ? 
 Did you ever hear them murmur 
 
 Scold or growl at Providence ? 
 
 They only smile the brighter. 
 
 As the heat of summer solstice. 
 
 And the moisture of the showers, 
 
 Doth such all effulgent glory 
 E'er reveal unto the flowers, 
 
 Let us emulate their wisdom 
 
 And in sunshine and in rain, 
 
 With our faces toward the heavens 
 And our hearts made right again, 
 Let us smile the brighter. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 27 
 
 SALLY ANN 
 
 Speakin' of females, my Sally Ann's 
 
 About the worst in town ; 
 When it comes to temper, my Sally Ann's 
 
 No equal for miles around ; 
 She's 'bout the contrariest one I guess 
 
 That ever goes down the pike ; 
 W'y stubborn, that don't begin to express it; 
 
 She's obstinate, headstrong. Say Ike 
 
 Would you push the cuspidor a leetle 
 closer? 
 
 Now Billy McFerson says my Sally Ann's 
 
 No worser he bets than his ; 
 But Billy don't know about my Sally Ann; 
 
 I'll bet him two shillin's she is; 
 And Tommy McHenry, he lives on the creek. 
 
 He's got him a worser one too. 
 To hear Tommy tell it; but Billy nor Tommy 
 
 Don't know what my Sally will do. 
 
 Ike will you put some wood in the stove ? 
 
 And Sammy McWiggin, w'y Sammy and me, 
 We used to spell down the whole school; 
 
 They tell me that Sammy has got one named 
 Bess, 
 And she is a regular fool. 
 
 There's Sammy and Billy and Tommy and me; 
 There's four of us all in a square, 
 
28 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And Sammy, when Bess is a actin' so bad, 
 They tell me that Sammy can swear. 
 
 Ike will you raise the windy a leetle? 
 
 Now Sammy's and Willie's and Tommy's may act 
 
 As bad as ever they can ; 
 But I'll bet you two farthings there isn't a one 
 
 Holds a candle to my Sally Ann. 
 Wy Ikie don't get so excited just now, 
 
 I'm tryin' to tell you what's square; 
 Did you think Sally Ann was my wife, Ikie Boy? 
 
 Sally Ann is my old dapple mare. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 29 
 
 OUTING AT WEBSTER LAKE 
 
 Grandfather sat in his easy chair, and mused o'er 
 
 the cares of the day ; 
 While mother and sisters and brother and I, 
 
 made ready to hie away 
 
 For an outing at Webster Lake. 
 
 Trunks and valises and boxes and grips, were 
 
 packed in an orderly way ; 
 Telescopes, handbags, suitcases and all, jammed 
 
 full of all sorts of array ; 
 Pillow slips, handkerchiefs, clothing galore, a 
 
 wardrobe of gorgeous attire ; 
 Bathing suits draped in rich color and hue, for 
 
 Bleachers to 'plaud and admire ; 
 
 At our outing at Webster Lake. 
 
 A neat little cottage awaiting us there, a bunga- 
 low ten by fourteen ; 
 
 A trifle too small for a tribe of our size, a trifle 
 too airy I ween ; 
 
 But a happier place than this cottage of ours, 
 has never on Terra been seen ; 
 
 For six little urchins inhabited there, with 
 Mother enthroned as our Queen ; 
 While outing at Webster Lake. 
 
30 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 As to pastime, the fishing was simply immense, 
 
 at that popular little resort; 
 And fishing is fishing, you'll have to admit, and 
 
 the same is a capital sport ; 
 Of course there's no catching at any such place, 
 
 and for catching against it I am ; 
 But fishing is fishing, and fishing was good, 
 
 though catching was not worth a damn ; 
 On our outing at Webster Lake. 
 
 And boating was fine when the water was calm, 
 
 and of boating we did quite enough ; 
 But boating was what Sherman said about war, 
 
 whenever the water was rough ; 
 But to sail on the crest of the silvery waves, in 
 
 the light of the vanishing moon, 
 We six little sweethearts and Mother our Queen, 
 
 was Heaven come only too soon ; 
 At our outing at Webster Lake. 
 
 And oh boy, the joy of a cold morning plunge, 
 
 in the clear crystal springs of the deep ; 
 The washings away of the cares of the day, the 
 
 troublesome dreams of sleep ; 
 A whoop and hurrah for a plunge in the Lake, 
 
 Three Cheers for old Webster once more; 
 A spring and a leap, a dive in the deep, and away 
 
 we are speeding from shore ; 
 
 While outing at Webster Lake. 
 
./■"«/""':;;> 
 
 But fishing is fishing, and fishing was good; though 
 catching was not worth a damn 
 
MILES OF SMILES 33 
 
 Grandfather's gone to the happy reward, that 
 
 beckons the just and the good ; 
 And great are the changes that Old Father Time 
 
 has wrought on his dear Httle brood ; 
 Our hearts have been mellowed, our faces been 
 
 furrowed ; our Queen decked in ivory white ; 
 But hallowed the mem'ries to bless and sustain 
 
 us, as we muse o'er with delight, 
 Our outing at Webster Lake. 
 
34 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 MA AND PA GO TO CHICAGO 
 
 My Ma had never seen a town 
 
 No bigger 'n Wabash, but — 
 My Pa he onct had seen a town 
 
 So big as Terre Hut. 
 My Pa he thought that Terre Hut 
 
 Was all the town there wuzz, 
 But guess he blinked his eye when first 
 
 He heard Chicago buzz. 
 My Pa he kinder led the way 
 
 A saunterin' down the street 
 A biddin' folks the time-o-day 
 
 He happened to meet, 
 Just like the way we do down here 
 
 Where me and Ma and Pa 
 Were all brought up and alius lived, 
 
 But Ma ?ays to Pa "Lah! 
 There ain't no use a doin' that 
 
 Down here in this big town ; 
 The folks they don't take time to see 
 
 Your head a noddin' roun'." 
 It wasn't very long till Pa 
 
 He hadn't time to bow. 
 It kept him busy dodgin' round 
 
 The automobiles now. 
 They came a dashin' down the street; 
 
 Pa thought he'd sure get hit: 
 
MILES OF SMILES 35 
 
 They came a whizzin' by till Pa, 
 
 He nearly had a fit. 
 They dashed around the corner 
 
 From the east and from the west ; 
 They splashed wet mud all over Pa 
 
 And smeared his Sunday vest. 
 No matter whether Ma and Pa 
 
 Looked one way or the other 
 There came a solid row of cars • 
 
 A follerin' after t'other. 
 The street cars every now and then 
 
 Joined in the big parade ; 
 The vans and trucks came thunderin' by 
 
 In reg'lar fusillade. 
 The jitneys and the taxicabs 
 
 A hundred thousand strong 
 In solid phalanx whistled by 
 
 In procession two miles long. 
 The elevated overhead 
 
 Came thunderatin' by; 
 The motorcycles shootin' past 
 
 Like lightnin' from the sky. 
 My Pa he only went four blocks 
 
 And shakin' of his head, 
 He kinder cleared his throat a bit 
 
 And 'dressin' Ma he said, 
 "It pears to me we're out of place 
 
 Down here in this big town ; 
 
36 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 It kinder makes me dizzy, Ma, 
 
 This everlastin' soun'; 
 Let's turn around and go back home, 
 
 And gettin' there we'll stay 
 Where folks have time to eat and sleep 
 
 And think and love and pray." 
 
MILES OP SMILES 37 
 
 THE BLESSINGS OF 
 THANKSGIVING DAY 
 
 I'm feelin' quite youthful this mornin' my dear, 
 
 Although I'm seventy-three; 
 For I'm comin' along to another Thanksgivin', 
 
 Or Thanksgivin 's comin' to me: 
 These Thanksgivin' seasons they seem to agree 
 
 With a hoary old settler like me ; 
 They carry me back to the pioneer days ; 
 
 Say back to sixty-three ; 
 You know what happened in sixty-three? 
 
 W'y bless you of course you do ; 
 That was the fortunest year of my life, 
 
 For 'twas then that I married you. 
 You ask what have we to be thankful for ? 
 
 W'y blessings unbounded have we. 
 For I have you to be thankful for. 
 
 And such as I am, you've me. 
 
 I know my Eliza we haven't a heap 
 
 Of the treasures of this world's store, 
 But the little we have has been honestly earned, 
 
 And this is a treasure far more 
 To be coveted, dear, than all of the wealth 
 
 Of Princes and Czars and Kings ; 
 For I'd rather be poor in a Heaven blest cot, 
 
 Than rich in worldly bought things ; 
 But I guess we can muster a turkey or two 
 
 For Thanksgivin' dinner my dear. 
 
38 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And I'd rather have roasted, one turkey of yours, 
 Than a whole durned barbecue steer. 
 
 You ask what have we to be thankful for ? 
 Wy rich beyond Croesus are we, 
 
 For I have you to be thankful for, 
 And such as I am, you've me. 
 
 Now Thanksgivin' dinner Eliza, let's see — 
 
 How many of us will there be ? 
 There's David and Arthur, Nathaniel and Joe, 
 
 Priscilla and Reuben, I see, 
 Oh, Susan, I nearly forgot about her, 
 
 How dreadfully stupid of me ; 
 I think I named seven, you say sixty-six? 
 
 Now how in the world can it be ; 
 Oh pshaw O forgot all about the grandchildren, 
 
 That proves that I'm on the decline; 
 But Liza in counting the grandchildren all. 
 
 It only makes bare thirty-nine : 
 Oh the next generation that makes sixty-six ; 
 
 You say no Thanksgivin' for me? 
 When we have all these to be thankful for ? 
 
 And such as we are, are we. 
 
 Roasted turkey and broth and cranberry sauce, 
 And hot pumpkin pies, and peas. 
 
 Boiled turnips, tomatoes and roast sweet potatoes, 
 And all of such good things as these ; 
 
 I'll tell you Eliza no wonder it makes 
 A codger like me feel gay. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 39 
 
 To think of the victuals we're going to have 
 
 A comin' on Thanksgivin' day; 
 And to know that these victuals, you cooked 
 them yourself. 
 
 That makes them lots better for me, 
 For I've fed on your cookin' for many a year; 
 
 I've stood it since sixty-three. 
 You ask what have we to be thankful for ? 
 
 W'y bless you rich treasures have we, 
 For I have you to be thankful for, 
 
 And such as I am, you've me. 
 
 The pilgrims who carried the Puritan Faith 
 
 From over the deep blue sea, 
 Amid their privations and hardships and want, 
 
 To the land of freedom to be, 
 Established forever the worship of God, 
 
 Unstayed by dogmatic decree, 
 And thanks to Almighty, devoutly they gave 
 
 An example for you and for me. 
 I know my Eliza we havn't a heap, 
 
 Of the treasures of this old world. 
 But Croesus ne'er dreamed of such wealth as is 
 ours. 
 
 In the wealth of Old Glory unfurled ; 
 And I know that with all I have said you'll agree 
 
 That blessings unbounded have we 
 For I have you to be thankful for, 
 
 And such as I am, you've me. 
 
40 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 THE WEATHER 
 
 Down where I live in Dingytown, 
 
 If it concludes to rain, 
 A lot of folks more wiser far 
 
 Than Providence, complain; 
 Or if upon the other hand, 
 
 The sun concludes to shine. 
 They hang their heads and wag their tongues 
 
 And grumble, scold and whine. 
 
 Again when winter's chilling blasts, 
 
 Are bio win' and a breezin', 
 They yearn for good old summer time 
 
 And watermelon season ; 
 But when old Sol arrives in June, 
 
 These folks begin to sizz, 
 And puff and pant and groan and swear 
 
 "Good Lord, how hot it is." 
 
 If Providence concludes to give 
 
 An open winter, there 
 They are a rant in' for the cold 
 
 To purify the air, 
 But if it's cold and all frizz up, 
 
 They're clamorin' for mild 
 Weather, for as sure as sin 
 
 The fruit will all be sp'iled. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 41 
 
 But I have noticed pretty much 
 
 No matter what they say, 
 The man wot makes the weather slate 
 
 Most alius has his way; 
 So I ' ve concluded as for me 
 
 I'll tend to my own biz, 
 And let the weather man alone 
 
 And take it as it is. 
 
42 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 HE DIDN'T SAY HIS PRAYERS 
 
 I guess I've seen dear Santa Claus; 
 
 I know him very well, 
 For once dear Santa woke me up 
 
 A ringing of his bell ! 
 He didn't mean to wake me up, 
 
 He came so very still; 
 But don't you know he dropped his bell 
 
 Upon the window sill, 
 And there he stood with loads of toys 
 
 And whispered to me "Benny, 
 You naughty boy, you go to sleep 
 
 I didn't bring you any. 
 
 For you went to bed 
 
 And never said your prayers." 
 
 And oh he had such loads and loads 
 
 Of toys and pretty things, 
 And beads that sparkled oh so bright, 
 
 And teeny finger rings. 
 And piles and piles of sweets and meats 
 
 And nuts and dates and figs, 
 Enough to feed the whole wide world, 
 
 Although we eat like pigs, 
 And sleds and everything I dess. 
 
 But hadn't none for Benny; 
 Because I was a naughty boy 
 
 He didn't bring me any, 
 
MILES OF SMILES 43 
 
 For I went to bed 
 
 And never said my prayers. 
 
 And sister Susie's stocking oh ! 
 
 He filled it to the brim 
 And left a watch and sled for John, 
 
 And most everything for him, 
 And oh I got the bestest joke 
 
 On my dear Santa Claus : 
 I sneaked downstairs and hanged my sock 
 
 Where Ma had hanged my Pa's! 
 But one thing sure that after this 
 
 I never will take any 
 Chance on finding Santa Claus 
 
 For after this when Benny 
 
 Goes to bed 
 
 I always say my prayers. 
 
44 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 HOLD STILL BOBBIE 
 
 My Ma she has such queer idees 
 Of how small boys should always please 
 Their Ma in everything they do 
 And mind their Pa and sister, too 
 And alius do just what they're told 
 Until they're least sixteen years old 
 And she will say "Come here my dear 
 Until I scrub your little ear — 
 
 Now hold still Bobbie." 
 
 I can't hold still. 
 
 My Ma's as gentle as a dove 
 She calls me "honey, dear and love" 
 But she will take a kindling stick 
 And rub till sparks are flying thick; 
 Why she's a reg'lar dynamo 
 When she sets in to scrub me so ; 
 She'll scrub a hole clean through my ear 
 And still she'll say "My little dear. 
 
 Hold still Bobbie." 
 
 I can't hold still. 
 
 Why Ma can take some rub-no-more 
 And rub a hole clean through the floor; 
 When she begins to scrub my ear 
 The whole wide world grows bleak and blear; 
 My eyes begin to fog and dim; 
 
MILES OF SMILES 45 
 
 I lose my vigor, strength and vim, 
 And all a little boy can hear, 
 Is Mother saying "Little dear, 
 
 Hold still Bobbie." 
 
 I can't hold still. 
 
 It matters not how hard I try, 
 When Mother scrubs I've got to cry, 
 And wind and squirm around and fuss. 
 And naughty boys would almost cuss, 
 And I have simply got to jump 
 And bow my back into a himip 
 And twist my head to get away 
 But still I hear my Mother say; 
 
 "Now hold still Bobbie." 
 
 I can't hold still. 
 
46 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 PA HE IS MY CHUM 
 
 I likes that man what visits us, 
 
 Most every Sunday night ; 
 He brings me peanuts and the like, 
 
 And calls me smart and bright, 
 And little dear and honey drop. 
 
 And oh the mostest names. 
 Of things that's sweet and good to eat, 
 
 And plays such funny games 
 With me, like hide and seek it out, 
 
 And drop the button too ; 
 An' 'en one time he jumped at me 
 
 And skeered me with a "BOO!" 
 An' he is awful nice to me, 
 
 The nicest man by gum ; 
 But Pa's the man I like the best 
 
 'Cause Pa he is my chum. 
 
 And oh this man what visits us. 
 
 He wears the nicest vest 
 And pants and coat and overcoat 
 
 And guess he wears the rest 
 Of all the things that other folks 
 
 Most generally wear, 
 And has the nicest smelling dope 
 
 Be-smattered on his hair; 
 And keeps his shoes all shinin' black, 
 
 And necktie shinin' red. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 47 
 
 But I can't see why Sis wants me 
 
 To alius go to bed 
 At sundown still on Sunday night 
 
 And tells me "hush" and "mimi;" 
 For I likes this stranger awful well ; 
 
 But Pa he is my chum. 
 
 An' he's the nicest man to Sis 
 This stranger man, he is, 
 And brings her candy more'n a ton 
 
 And says it's no one's biz 
 If he buys out the candy store 
 
 And brings it all to her, 
 For all the candy in the world 
 
 Is far too little fer 
 A girl so sweet as Sis is 
 
 And buys her nuts and creams. 
 And' alius when he leaves he says 
 
 "Bye Bye, Sweet — pleasant dreams," 
 An' brings her honey and the like, 
 
 An' piles of chewing gum. 
 An' I likes my sister's stranger man; 
 
 But Pa he is my chirni. 
 An' 'en this man what visits us. 
 
 To work he is a whopper; 
 Washes dishes for my Sis. 
 
 Don't you think that Pop er 
 Me er any other man like us 
 Would do a thing like that ! 
 
48 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Nor would this man what visits us 
 
 If sister didn't chat, 
 An' tie an apron 'round his waist 
 
 An' make him look so funny. 
 An' call him silly names an' such 
 
 Like Dear and Dove an' Honey. 
 An' oh this man what visits us, 
 
 Sis likes to have him come; 
 But I likes my Pa the best of all 
 
 For Pa he is my chimi. 
 
 An' 'en my Sis, she's makin' things 
 
 The nicest cutest things ; 
 She calles them Treusses or the like ; 
 
 An' wears the mostest rings; 
 An' when I ask her what they're for, 
 
 She says "Hush naughty boy." 
 An' gets all red around the face, 
 
 *N Pa tells me don't annoy 
 Poor Sis for she is nervous now, 
 
 An' sends me right to bed, 
 An' there I cry myself to sleep 
 
 An' wish that I was dead, 
 Or Sis was married to this man, 
 
 This nasty ugly bum. 
 For I hates this man, but I love my Pa 
 
 For Pa he is my chum. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 49 
 
 STINGY SOL DOLE 
 
 By far the stingiest ole soul 
 
 That I have heam of 's ole Sol Dole 
 
 Down yonder by the Walley Nod. 
 
 I've heam some fellers say "Tight Wad" 
 
 When ole Sol Dole was passin' by, 
 
 And peered to me they's purty nigh 
 
 Corrict in that for I've hearn say 
 
 That he's so stingy he would pay 
 
 His urchins fifteen cents a day 
 
 To do without their supper, 'nen 
 
 He'd make 'em pay it back again 
 
 Fer breakfast. When the county fair 
 
 Was runnin' full blast over there. 
 
 He passed the gate and climbed a tree 
 
 To save a pay in' enterin' fee. 
 
 He wouldn't marry off his gal 
 
 Because he alius claimed that Sal 
 
 Was more than payin' of her way, 
 
 And every beau, he chased away ^ 
 
 But John, and John he came to stay, 
 
 Altho their courtin' I am tole 
 
 Was unbeknowance to Sol Dole. 
 
 Now Sol had land for Kingdoms Kum: 
 
 Why he had more of it by gimi 
 
 Than he could ever plow or seed. 
 
 And so there weren't any need 
 
 To move his house down on the sand 
 
 That overflowed to make more land, 
 
 For he already had a heap 
 
 Besides how much he'd sow and reap; 
 
 But ole Sol Dole jist couldn't stand 
 
 To see that house on fertile land 
 
50 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 When down the walley's, desert sand. 
 And so Sol waited till the fall 
 When there weren't any rain at all, 
 And then he took the lowest spot 
 Of all the waste lowlands he's got, 
 And down there in the hole he sot 
 His house ; and as he oped his eyes 
 Thuswise did ole Sol-lilloquise ; 
 "Behold how great a man I am 
 To build my house upon the san' 
 And so reclaim the tillin' Ian', 
 To raise more com and oats and peas. 
 To buy still greater lands than these, 
 Till I can say of all I view, 
 'Sol Dole this all belongs to you;' " 
 Not reconin' with April showers 
 Which come as sure as love and flowers ; 
 But when the rains began to fall, 
 The family scampered one and all 
 Save Sol himself who stood his ground 
 To keep the thieves from comin' 'round. 
 And when the river rose and swole. 
 Right there at hvmi was ole Sol Dole, 
 And when the house began to float, 
 Could hear Sol callin' for a boat. 
 But none in sight, and on the hill 
 Was John and Sal and sister Lill, 
 And of the neighbors quite a lot, 
 And ole Squire Jones who tied the knot, 
 And as the house went floatin' down 
 And there's Sol sittin' on its crown 
 They all joined in a glad refrain 
 "Goodbye Sol Dole, come back agane." 
 
And as the house went floatin' down 
 And there's Sol sittin' on its crown 
 
MILES OF SMILES 53 
 
 I'VE BEEN THINKIN' OF JOININ' 
 
 THE "Y" 
 
 I says to Malinda, Malinda, says I, 
 
 "Fm thinkin' Malinda, of joinin' the *Y'." 
 
 Malinda she faltered and presently said, 
 
 "Now Jerry, whatever put that in your head? 
 
 The 'Y' is not made for such people as you, 
 
 The *Y' is for people with nothin' to do." 
 
 That set me to thinkin' to try to find out 
 
 Just what in creation the "Y" is about; 
 
 The what and the wherefore, the when and the 
 
 why, 
 For indeed I was thinkin' of joinin' the **Y". 
 I went to the buildin' and lo and behold, 
 They'se playin' at billiards and nine-pins. I'se 
 
 told 
 That they had in the basement a pool t6 plunge, 
 And gyms for gymnastics to ttunble and lunge, 
 And courts for athletics of various sorts. 
 And games and amusements and pleasures and 
 
 sports ; 
 And of all the fun that I ever did see, 
 I never seen nothin' as pleasin' to me 
 As I seen down there with my own naked eye, 
 And comin' back home to Malinda, says I, 
 "I'm joinin' Malinda," and told her just why 
 I had made up my mind to be joinin' the "Y". 
 
54 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Malinda's no fool if she do be my wife; 
 She's the smartest of women I've seen in my life. 
 "Now Jerry," said she, *'I don't care, not a whit 
 For Jerry a joinin' when Jerry sees fit." 
 Then speakin' right out in a moment of time 
 She told me some reasons that's simply sublime, 
 The what and the wherefore, the when- and the 
 
 why 
 A feller like me should be joinin' the **Y". 
 She says "I've been hearin' some things," says 
 
 she, 
 "Some things that was quite unbeknowance to me ; 
 I've been hearin' how boys that was slidin' 
 
 down grade 
 Have been taken in hand and their down slidin' 
 
 stayed. 
 And into most honorable citizens made; 
 I've been hearin' how boys that were loafin' 
 
 aroun' 
 In joints of disorder and places low down. 
 And tellin' of stories and tales that were vile 
 Have been set to a doin' of somethin' worth 
 
 while ; 
 I've been hearin' of boys with characters fine, 
 A driftin* away from the orthodox line, 
 And tendin' toward worldly and frowardly sport, 
 A comin' right back to the best of their sort; 
 I've been hearin' of boys from every sphere 
 A comin' together and minglin' their cheer, 
 
MILES OF SMILES 55 
 
 As each to each other a blessin' he brings, 
 
 As if buildin' up crowns for these uncrowned 
 
 Kings; 
 I've been hearin' of boys the high and the low 
 With nothin' to do and no good place to go, 
 A joinin' the 'Y' and a goin* down there 
 And minglin' with people the best that there air, 
 And a readin' of books as good as are writ. 
 And of magazine stories, a makin' 'em fit 
 To live in this country, the best in the world, 
 The land of the Star Spangled Banner unfurled; 
 I've been hearin' of boys as brave and as true 
 As ever marched under the Red, White and Blue, 
 A joinin' the *Y' and a crossin' the sea 
 And carryin* with them the hope of the free, 
 And marchin' down into the jaws of despair 
 Where gases and cannon smoke clouded the air, 
 And buildin' an altar of worship down tliere." 
 When Linda had finished, a tear in my eye 
 Came tricklin' down, a knowin' that I 
 Had personal reasons for joinin' the "Y" 
 And I hastened to join and a knowin' just why. 
 
56 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 TOM JENKINS IS A PURTY GOOD 
 SQUIRE 
 
 Tom Jenkins, he isn't a lawyer, 
 
 His tongue isn't gilded with fire, 
 He doesn't know much about lawin' 
 
 But still he's a purty good squire. 
 He tries to decide of the questions 
 
 About as he thinks they should be, 
 And deal out the law in a measure 
 
 In rather methodic degree. 
 And balance his rulin's 'bout even 
 
 If even he sees that he can, 
 "For the law," says this Honor 'ble Justice 
 
 "Is not a respecter of men." 
 
 Jim Bowersock it seems was disabled 
 
 Because of a terrible kick 
 Which was laid to the door of Sam Johnson 
 
 Residin' in Tom's bailiwick. 
 Now no one could doubt for a moment 
 
 That Bowersock was horribly served, 
 But some who had known him at Keystone 
 
 Had said he got what he deserved, 
 And the evidence showed beyond question 
 
 That Bowersock sustained broken arm, 
 At two or three places and elsewhere 
 
 Had suffered great bodily harm : 
 His nose had been battered and flattened 
 
MILES OF SMILES 57 
 
 And shorn of its beautiful bridge, 
 His stomach had nearly been punctured 
 
 And robbed of its globular ridge ; 
 He was brayed on his thigh and his sirloin, 
 
 And bruised on the rear of his neck, 
 And anyone lookin' on Bowersock 
 
 Would say ''He's a terrible wreck." 
 The lawyer defendin' Sam Johnson 
 
 Was not of the scholarly kind, 
 Just a plain every day country lawyer 
 
 With most of his foresight behind. 
 But he called for his witness Nan Baker; 
 
 As I from the Justice found out. 
 Nan had seen the whole bloomin' transaction, 
 
 And knew what it all was about. 
 Now the squire would first rule with defendant 
 
 And next he would rule with the State, 
 And thuswise he tried to keep even 
 
 As I tried heretofore to relate, 
 And he saw every time that his rulin' 
 
 Was friendly to Bachelor Sam, 
 Nan Baker swelled up with delightment 
 
 And poised herself tranquil and calm. 
 But with each of his alternate rulin 's 
 
 Impartially favorin' the State, 
 Nan's bosom heaved up indignation, 
 
 As I heard Justice Jenkins relate; 
 And the Squire bein' more observatin' 
 
58 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Than Squires most gener'ly be, 
 Proceeded to write on his docket 
 
 As he himself told it to me, 
 And after the writin' was finished 
 
 He slowly uplifted his head 
 And without any more testifyin' 
 
 The Justice his sentence he read ; 
 "I've concluded" said Justice Tom Jenkins 
 
 "To let the defendant go hence, 
 On the charge that he 'saulted Jim Bowersock, 
 
 But as to the other offense, 
 I impose upon him a life sentence 
 
 His term has already began." 
 Sam Johnson he knew just the meanin' 
 
 And 'dressin' himself to Miss Nan 
 He said "I've got plenty of money 
 
 At home in my corduroy pants, 
 But I wasn't a thinkin' of needin' 
 
 Much more'n about seventy cents 
 For my dinner, and if you're not mindin' 
 
 To loan me a three or a five, 
 I'm a thinkin' we may as well finish 
 
 The job and be savin' a drive." 
 
 Now Justice Tom Jenkins he chuckles 
 
 And literally laughs in his boots 
 Every time he drives down past Sam Johnson's 
 
 And sees Johnson's fine little toots. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 59 
 
 WITE IN THE DWAWIN' ROOM 
 
 One time there was a gen'leman, 
 
 His name was Sammy Gipe, 
 And every time he ctimed around 
 
 He alius brought his pipe, 
 And Pa, he didn't say so much 
 
 But Ma she'd have a fit 
 For he'd go in the dwawin' room 
 
 And there he'd smoke of it, 
 
 Wite in the Dwawin' Room. 
 
 And 'en he'd puff the smoke in culs 
 
 Ascendin' to the wall, 
 And Ma she'd get most awful mad, 
 
 She didn't like it 'tall 
 And 'en he'd shake the ashes off 
 
 And brush em on the floor, 
 An 'en he'd fill his pipe agin 
 
 And en he'd smoke some more, 
 
 Wite in the Dwawin' Room. 
 
 And 'en this man he'd look around 
 
 To find 'e cuspidor, 
 And 'en he'd spit and 'en he'd smoke 
 
 And 'en he'd spit some more. 
 And Ma would be a lookin' mad 
 
 And thinkin' what a bore, 
 
60 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And 'en one time he missed the box 
 And spit upon the floor, 
 Wite in the Dwawin' Room. 
 
 And 'en my Ma she did get tross 
 And grabbed the sweepin' stick 
 
 And 'en she up and after him 
 And made the fur fly thick, 
 
 And jabbed him with the poker 
 An' sticked him with a pin; 
 
 I'll tell you wot my Ma she did 
 She made mince meat of him, 
 Wite in the Dwawin' Room. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 61 
 
 OUIETIN' TITLE 
 
 My Ma's a widder, understand, 
 And wunct she owned a tract of land 
 But when she went to Lawyer Snapp 
 She found the title had a gap, 
 And all the world and Kingdoms kum 
 Was claimin' what we called our hum; 
 And so the lawyer said there 'ain't 
 No way to 'void this here complaint. 
 "Comes now the plaintiff Mary Brains, 
 And of defendant she complains, 
 And for her cause plaintiff avers 
 That all the property is hers 
 Wherein the plaintiff doth reside 
 And no one's else. No one beside 
 Herself: But notwithstandin' same 
 Defendant doth persist to claim 
 He owns the land. Not only he 
 But all of his posterity ; 
 His wife and children names unknown, 
 Where'er they be if they're his own. 
 His heirs, assigns and legatees. 
 Executors and devisees ; 
 The unknown heirs of all of these ; 
 Administrators if you please. 
 All his receivers and trustees ; 
 And if perchance some one or more 
 Of these are on the other shore, 
 
62 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 The same lingerie as before 
 
 Applies to the unnumbered dead 
 
 Who claim this land as aforesaid. 
 
 The plaintiff says this nasty claim 
 
 Involves the spelling of a name ; 
 
 That something like two hundred years 
 
 Before the flood, as it appears, 
 
 A man whose name was Tom McThee 
 
 Forgot to cross the second T 
 
 Which in the title makes a gap 
 
 That's wholly fatal. 
 
 Lawyer Snapp." 
 My Ma she winned that big lawsuit 
 And got to pay the costs to boot, 
 And got her title clean as day 
 And when the land was sold to pay 
 The costs it only took they say, 
 About a hundred fifty more 
 Than what the land she selled it for, 
 And if Ma has another scrap 
 She's goin' right back to Lawyer Snapp. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 63 
 
 RETURNED FROM EXILE 
 
 Well now I 'low it's been an age 
 
 Since I left this old Town ; 
 Why over yonder stands the jail. 
 
 It's now all tiimbled down; 
 And there's the same old Court House where 
 
 The Jedge my sentence read, 
 And I remember how the Jedge 
 
 In readin' bowed his head. 
 I think he knew I'se innocent, 
 
 But there's the verdict — well ; 
 And here's the house where she had lived, 
 
 My dear old sweetheart Nell. 
 I think perhaps I should have stayed 
 
 And served my sentence through 
 But knowin' that I'se innocent 
 
 It was more than I could do. 
 Well Nell she married, so I read 
 
 Soon after I had gone ; 
 I couldn't blame her nary bit 
 
 She thinkin' what I'd done. 
 I wonder if she'd know me now ? 
 
 Why bless her there she stands, 
 And bless my soul I b'lieve I see 
 
 Her wavin' of her hands. 
 Hello there Nell ! you look as young 
 
 As you did ages past, 
 I guess a marryin' agreed with you. 
 
64 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Well I've come back at last; 
 I'm goin' to serve my sentence Nell, 
 
 Although I did no wrong, 
 But I can't stay away no more, 
 
 The time it seems too long. 
 And Nell I never thought no harm 
 
 Of you for what you've done, 
 For you did right forgettin' me 
 
 As soon as I was gone. 
 The jury gave its verdict in 
 
 And here I ran away, 
 And you went off and married him. 
 
 What's that I hear you say? 
 Am I a dreamin' that old dream 
 
 I've dreamed a hundred times? 
 Am I a hearin' of the bells 
 
 That rang a hundred chimes 
 And always startled from my dreams 
 
 To find myself alone ; 
 No place whereon to lay my head 
 
 No one to call my own ? 
 You tell me that when I had gone 
 
 Another had confessed, 
 And when you found I'se innocent 
 
 You waited for me jest 
 A knowin' that the day would come 
 
 When I'd return to you? 
 Well here I am and here you are 
 
 The same old sweetheart true. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 65 
 
 WHEN MA CLEANS HOUSE 
 
 When Ma cleans house the first of May 
 
 As Mas most gener'ly do, 
 My Pa and me, we'd run away 
 
 As Pas most gener'ly do. 
 Except in' Ma she'd be so cross. 
 Our hired girl Jane'd be at a loss 
 To know just how to clear the muss 
 And there would be an awful fuss 
 
 When Ma cleans house 
 
 If Pa and me was gone. 
 
 My Ma she musses up the floor, 
 And throws the carpets out the door. 
 And takes the blinds and curtains down. 
 And guess she'd turn the house aroun' 
 
 When Ma cleans house 
 
 If Pa and me was gone. 
 
 She beats the carpets and the rugs, 
 And scalds the floor to kill the bugs. 
 If any should be hidin' there. 
 And guess she'd meddle everywhere 
 
 When Ma cleans house 
 
 If Pa and me was gone. 
 
 She turns the beds all upside down. 
 And scatters clothing all aroun' 
 And stops the fires and don't know why, 
 And guess we'd freeze to death purt nigh 
 
 When Ma cleans house 
 
 If Pa and me was gone. 
 
66 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 My Pa can't find a thing to wear 
 Exceptin' of his hide and hair, 
 And maybe find his pants and hat, 
 And hardly think that he'd find that 
 
 When Ma cleans house 
 
 If Ma and me was gone. 
 
 One day my Pa — don't never tell — 
 
 My Pa he wasn't very well, 
 
 And when my Pa is sick why he 
 
 Is just about as ornery 
 
 As ever anyone can be ; 
 
 And when he couldn't find his shirt 
 
 He gathered up our hired girl's skirt, 
 
 And when you think that Jane is jes 
 
 An angel you have missed your guess ; 
 
 So when Jane saw it was my Pa 
 
 A wearin' of her skirt she saw 
 
 An opportunity to jaw 
 
 And which she did and did it well 
 
 In words I never dare to tell ; 
 
 And when my Pa he answered back 
 
 She took a peach pie from the rack. 
 
 And aimed it right at my Pa's head 
 
 And driv my Pa right back to bed, 
 
 And kept him there until he said 
 
 He's sorry that he wasn't dead; 
 
 And ever since that thing occurred 
 
 My Pa he never says a word 
 
 But when Ma cleans house 
 
 Pa and me are gone. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 67 
 
 LEGISLATIVE DUTIES 
 
 I have lived a life of pleasure 
 
 Though I know of none so great, 
 As to stand before the Solons 
 
 Of my own fair native State, 
 And advise the Legislature 
 
 What I think it ought to do, 
 And to do it mighty quickly 
 
 And adjourn when it is through. 
 
 First of all I'd pass a measure 
 
 To abolish all the tax. 
 And if any should oppose it 
 
 Don't you think that I'd relax, 
 'Till I had the task accomplished, 
 
 For I count the tax a bore, 
 And I'd keep on hammerin' at it 
 
 'Till it's killed forevermore. 
 
 Then I'd regulate the weather 
 
 When it rains it ought to shine. 
 And I'd make it hot in winter 
 
 And make it cold in summertime, 
 So we wouldn't freeze our fingers 
 
 If a skatin' we should go. 
 And when ice cream season's on us 
 
 We could freeze it in the snow. 
 
68 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Then I'd touch upon the airplanes 
 
 And I'd make 'em so they'd fly 
 And a keep on fly in' steady 
 
 Even though the wind is high, 
 For it's mighty inconvenient 
 
 To be fly in' over town 
 'nd have some Httle thing to happen 
 
 For to bring you timibHn' down. 
 
 Then I'd take up automobiles; 
 
 Pass a law to make 'em bump 
 Not so everlastin' vicious 
 
 When they hit you on the rump, 
 For there's nothin' in creation 
 
 That will agitate you so 
 As to have an automobile 
 
 Runnin' over you, you know. 
 
 Then you might take up such questions 
 
 As mosquitoes, bugs and flies, 
 For there isn't such a nuisance 
 
 Underneath the starry skies ; 
 And there's not a Solon present 
 
 But that knows that this is true 
 And to pass a law against 'em. 
 
 We're demandin' you to do. 
 
 Then I b'lieve that colds and measles, 
 
 Mumps, and smallpox I'd efface, 
 And such other kindred ailments 
 
MILES OF SMILES 69 
 
 As afflict the hiiman race, 
 For there's nothin' so annoy in' 
 
 And so brazenishly bold 
 As a feller who's a talkin' 
 
 While affected with a cold. 
 
 When it comes to minor measures 
 
 Like the welfare of the school, 
 Or good roads, or coal commissions, 
 
 All these questions as a rule 
 Will adjust themselves quite likely 
 
 Without legislative aid, 
 But not so with all the subjects 
 
 I have mentioned aforesaid. 
 If you'll solve these knotty problems 
 
 You've accomplished great deal more 
 Than has any legislature 
 
 Since before the Trojan War. ^ 
 
70 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 MA'S SAVIN' OF THE WORLD 
 
 I've got the nicest, sweetest Ma, 
 
 What ever you did see; 
 I know I have because my Pa 
 
 He's told it so to me. 
 Of course I've never seed my Ma 
 
 Which seems a little queer. 
 But then I know I have a Ma 
 
 Else how would I be here? 
 And 'en I see her clothes and things 
 
 All scattered round about. 
 Which Pa and me we both pick up 
 
 When Ma is alius out. 
 And Pa and me we make the beds 
 
 And build the fires and sweep 
 And brush and dust and cook. Oh Pa 
 
 And me we do a heap ; 
 
 For Ma is savin' of the world. 
 
 I wish to goodness I could see 
 
 My real living Ma ; 
 I've seed her picture several times 
 
 According to my Pa, 
 But pictures are so cold and stiff. 
 
 They cannot talk to me ; 
 It is my Ma what walks and talks 
 
 I'm crazy for to see; 
 My Ma what had her picture took 
 
MILES OF SMILES 71 
 
 And put it in the press 
 And all the neighbors said to me 
 
 Your Ma is smart I guess ; 
 My Ma what wears the shoes and things 
 
 What's scattered all about 
 Which Pa and me we both pick up 
 
 When Ma is alius out 
 
 A savin' of the world. 
 
 My Ma she comes home every night 
 
 According to my Pa, 
 But I am alius 'sleep in bed 
 
 And cannot see my Ma, 
 And 'en before she gets awake 
 
 I'm gone to school or play 
 And never get a glimpse of her 
 
 Throughout the livelong day. 
 My Ma I guess she is a power 
 
 From what the papers say; 
 They tell of something smart she's said 
 
 'Bout almost every day, 
 I guess she's 'bout the brightest Ma 
 
 For miles and miles about 
 But how I wish and wish that Ma 
 
 She wasn't alius out 
 
 A savin' of the world. 
 
 My Ma she writes the bestest things 
 
 'Bout raisin' of a child 
 And alius keepin' vigil eye 
 
 To see it don't go wild; 
 
72 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And how she gives the mothers shucks 
 
 What doesn't alius know 
 Just all about their boys and girls 
 
 And every place they go, 
 And how the boys will go to sticks 
 
 And come to dreadful end 
 If mother for a weenty time 
 
 Her vigilance suspend. 
 Oh wizard's what they call my Ma 
 
 Cause she knows all about 
 Child culture. But I often wish 
 
 Ma wasn't alius out 
 
 A savin' of the world. 
 
 My Ma is white I know she is 
 
 For Pa he told me so ; 
 She's got blue eyes and auburn hair : 
 
 There's lots of things I know 
 About my Ma and how she looks ; 
 
 I learned them all from Pa, 
 But how I'd like to get a glimpse 
 
 Myself of my dear Ma. 
 But one thing that is just as sure 
 
 As ever sure can be ; 
 I know because Pa told me so ; 
 
 Pa makes a chum of me. 
 If I should get another Ma 
 
 Besides the one I've got, 
 It's goin' to be one not so smart 
 
 What isn't alius out 
 
 A savin' of the world. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 73 
 
 WHEN SI PLUMPKINS RAN FOR 
 CONGRESS 
 
 When ole Si Plumpkins for Congress ran, 
 He was as good as ever a man 
 Can possibly be and still survive. 
 He'd promise you anything. Goodness alive 
 There weren't three men, nor probably two 
 That he hadn't given the Post Office to. 
 I can remember he kum to me 
 And asked me to promise to "wote for he" 
 And said he'd do handsome by me some way 
 But how he would do it he didn't just say 
 And when he's elected he did as agreed 
 And sent me an exquisite package of seed 
 YES SIR, HE DID. 
 
 But just a revertin' a little once more 
 To that Post Office business a mentioned before, 
 That made a few fellers a leetle bit sore. 
 For there weren't a thousand Post Offices nor 
 There weren't but one in our little Hum Town 
 And that Post Office puddin' it wouldn't go roun' 
 And a lot of our fellers are stubborn as sin 
 And they jumped on Si Plumpkins and pounded 
 
 it in 
 And wrote him mean letters and threatened to 
 
 skunk 'im 
 
74 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And called him mean names like Traitor and 
 
 Btmkem, 
 But while ole Si Plumpkins didn't do as agreed 
 He fixed it all up with a package of seed. 
 
 YES SIR, HE DID. 
 
 We've got some ole soldiers who fought in the war 
 And as poor as Job's turkey who couldn't no more 
 Resist the entreaties of Plumpkins' appeal 
 Than soap-sudsie fingers will hold to an eel, 
 And to these ole Si Plumpkins he promised if he 
 Was elected to Congress BY HICKEY HE'D 
 
 SEE 
 That their pensions were doubled and possibly- 
 more, 
 For a man who's a soldier and fought in the war 
 Accord in' to Plumpkins should get every cent 
 A comin' from Congress if ever he went. 
 And when Plumpkins fell short to do just as agreed 
 He made it all up with a package of seed. 
 YES SIR, HE DID. 
 
 The farmers would get, if Si Plumpkins he beat, 
 Four dollars a bushel for all of their wheat, 
 Not less than a quarter a pound for their meat, 
 Such as steers and ole heifers, but townfolks who 
 
 eat 
 It would get porter house for a shillin' a pound 
 And for maybe ten cents we would buy choice 
 
 round, 
 
MILES OF SMILES 75 
 
 And our bread should be lower than ever it was 
 If Si Plumpkins was 'lected to Congress because 
 He'd favor the townsfolk, he vowed that he 
 
 would, 
 And give us our livin' as cheap as he could. 
 But Si couldn't do everything he agreed 
 But he sended us all a big package of seed 
 
 YES SIR, HE DID. 
 
 Now Si concluded to run once more, 
 And this time was lavisher yet than before. 
 The town it needed and surely would git 
 A Post Office building if lightnin' should hit 
 Si's political rod. And time and agane 
 He promised ambassadorship to Spain 
 And Greece and Turkey and Afghanistan 
 To diverse and sundry and various men. 
 And about six or seven or probably eight 
 He was goin' to make Secretary of State, 
 But a lot of Si Plumpkins' seed didn't sprout 
 And so we fellers we woted him out; 
 YES SIR, WE DID. 
 
76 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 BACK TO THE OLE HOME PLACE 
 
 Kinder makes a feller lonesome, or not 
 Just lonesome, don't know altogether what 
 That funny feelin' is that makes you blue 
 Retumin' to the farm that fathered you, 
 After spendin' forty winters in the South. 
 Don't remember bein' back here since the drouth 
 Destroyed the clover crop way back in eighty, 
 Didn't think I'd come till here just lately; 
 When the thought come to me says I, "Shore 
 I want to see the ole home place once more." 
 
 Things are different from the way I thought 
 
 they'd be; 
 There is nothin' here that seems quite right to me; 
 I can hear my mother's voice a callin' Lee, 
 That's my brother, gave his life — Blest be 
 His hallowed memory — for Liberty, 
 Lee's the bestest one of all the lot; 
 Worked the hardest — swam the farthest, don't 
 
 know what 
 Lee didn't do lots better than the rest; 
 Guess that's why the Father thought it best 
 To take Lee home, that seems to be the way 
 That the Almighty Ruler takes to pay 
 His faithful ones. But though it's sad why shore 
 I'm glad to see the ole home place once more. 
 
And oh this reminissen stirs me so, but shore 
 I want to see the ole home place once more 
 
MILES OF SMILES 79 
 
 I want to know what come of Henry Lane 
 
 And Tommy Corwin and his sister Jane 
 
 And Benny Snead who used to hide our duds 
 
 Whenwe's in swimmin'; then there's WilHe Budds 
 
 Whose brother beat my time with Cinda Lee, 
 
 And I was alius glad he did for she 
 
 Was faithlesser than what I thought she'd be; 
 
 And Hunter, that's our rabbit dog; and Spot, 
 
 And Bessie too and Black, and I've forgot 
 
 The names of all our cows ; and how we'd play 
 
 The organ with such tunes as Happy Day, 
 
 And Bonnie Doon, and Darlin' Nellie Gray 
 
 And then Lee'd up and sing Lead Kindly Light 
 
 And the old gospel tune Dispel the Night, 
 
 And Fannie Jones would play the cords, for then 
 
 They didn't play a heap by note, but when 
 
 The buckwheat notes came in she took a, term 
 
 Of lessons on the organ, and gol dern 
 
 If I ever heard such tunes as Fannie played 
 
 Or ever dreamed of music like she made ; 
 
 And oh this reminissen stirs me so, but shore 
 
 I'm glad to see the ole home place once more. 
 
 There stands the same old stately apple tree, 
 
 A trifle taller than it used to be. 
 
 But no more stomachakener I bet 
 
 Than what it was when me and Tommy et 
 
 To win a wager waged by brother Lee ; 
 
 He's alius up to some such trick with me; 
 
80 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And over yonder stands the meetin' place 
 Where every Sunday momin', Love and Grace 
 And Faith and Hope and everlastin' life 
 Was meted out and sin and worldly strife 
 Subdued. I want to know about Tom Jones 
 The son of the kind reverend whose bones 
 Have long since decomposed. I mind the day 
 When first they got the organ for to play, 
 And some there were who said that Satan dwelt 
 Inside, not more'n a yard from where I knelt. 
 And on one side of a partition wall 
 Were men and on the other women, all 
 On their own side accordin' to their kind, 
 And mostly snorin' as of a common mind; 
 And oh! I almost wished I hadn't come, but 
 
 shore 
 I'm glad to see the ole home place once more. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 81 
 
 GOSSIPERS 
 
 I have heard somewhere in fiction, for it could not 
 
 be in fact 
 Of two certain gossip mongers, who proceeded in 
 
 a pact ; 
 One of these two gossip mongers, sanctimoniously 
 
 shy- 
 Volunteered this information, in the name of God 
 
 on high : 
 
 "I have heard a quiet rumor, in a confidential way , 
 That a certain well known person has been 
 
 drifting far away. 
 Now I pray don't tell this story, to your nearest 
 
 dearest friends 
 For it's altogether likely, she will later make 
 
 amends." 
 
 "No my dear, rejoined the other, "I will never 
 
 say a word 
 And if any soul should ask me, I'll protest I never 
 
 heard ; 
 To be sure I have two cousins who will keep the 
 
 secret well. 
 But I'm sure that they will guard it, and will 
 
 never, never tell." 
 
 So the story was repeated, to these confidential 
 two, 
 
82 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Sworn to secrecy forever, under oath austere and 
 
 true, 
 Save of course each had two others, equally as 
 
 safe and mum. 
 Each of whom should hear the story which had 
 
 grown somewhat in glum. 
 
 To these four this morbid story was confided with 
 
 an oath, 
 That it never be repeated, not by pen, nor word 
 
 of mouth ; 
 From this oath in sense of fairness, to be sure 
 
 there needs must be 
 Just this same small reservation; that is justice, 
 
 don't you see? 
 
 So these four to eight they told it, and these 
 
 eight to sixteen more ; 
 From sixteen to two and thirty, so it spread from 
 
 door to door ! 
 Like a mighty conflagration, it enveloped all the 
 
 town 
 Sending forth its belching fury, through the 
 
 county miles around. 
 
 Geometric its progression, as it burned its furious 
 
 way. 
 Spreading havoc and disaster, as it sped forth 
 
 night and day, 
 
MILES OF SMILES 83 
 
 Gaining fury and momentum, speeding on at 
 
 any cost, 
 Till at last the message flashes; by its power a 
 
 soul is lost. 
 
 Now the Lord looks down from Heaven, as he 
 
 sits upon his throne, 
 On these motley gossip mongers, whom he may 
 
 not call his own ; 
 And he renders righteous judgment, judgment 
 
 justly earned I wot, 
 As he says to all these sinners, "Turn away, I 
 
 know thee not." 
 
84 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 WITE IN THE THOOL ROOM 
 
 Firth day Bethie went to thool 
 How'd she know about the rule 
 Of talkin' ? And Bethie she 
 Up and talked out loud to me. 
 Wite in the thool room. 
 
 And all the other thildren there 
 Knew the thool room's no place where 
 Bethie could talk out loud to me 
 And they giggleded at she, 
 Wite in the thool room. 
 
 And the teacher she was mad 
 And she told us Bethie had 
 Brought dithgrath to the whole crowd 
 And she tholded her out loud, 
 Wite in the thool room. 
 
 And she took the little chap 
 And she laid her tross her lap 
 And she thpanked poor Bethie there 
 And I bet you can't geth where! 
 Wite in the thool room. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 85 
 
 THE BASEBALL FAN 
 
 I low this world has lunatics, 
 
 Fanatics, cranks and fools; 
 There's horse-race cranks and prize fight cranks 
 
 And cranks of diverse schools. 
 There's cranks what bet on volley ball, 
 
 And play the Board of Trade, 
 But Linda says the biggest crank 
 
 Wot God has ever made 
 
 IS THE BASEBALL FAN. 
 
 The man wot stakes 'bout all he's got 
 
 That Dempsey wins the fight, 
 Or bets a lot on Carpentier, 
 
 I say he's some crank right ; 
 Or the man who stands in boiHng sun 
 
 And cheers the winning mare. 
 But Linda says the biggest crank 
 
 In all the world there air, 
 
 IS THE BASEBALL FAN. 
 
 One time I goes to Baltimore 
 
 On business matters great. 
 But what the business matters were 
 
 I couldn't 'zactly state; 
 But Linda, somehow she suspects 
 
 It wasn't business 'tall. 
 And wot I really goes there for 
 
 Was to see a game of ball ; 
 
 FOR LINDA SAYS I'M A BASE- 
 BALL FAN. 
 
86 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Now when I gets to Baltimore 
 
 The game was at New York, 
 So I with forty thousand more 
 
 Goes down to Third and Cork 
 Where scores are posted up to date 
 
 On every play that's made, 
 And there I stands with mercury 
 
 Some ninety in the shade ! 
 Now 'peered that all the cheerin' there 
 
 Was done for Baltimore 
 Which didn't seem quite square to me 
 
 So I observed the score, 
 And when New York she made a hit 
 
 I yelled with all my might, 
 "There cheers for old New York" says I, 
 
 Not spectin' for to fight. 
 But less'n time it takes to tell, 
 
 A great big climisy brute, 
 He spraddled out all over me 
 
 And battered in my snute ; 
 And blackened eye and broken arm, 
 
 And dislocated knee, 
 Two broken ribs and fractured skull, 
 
 All these he gave to me. 
 And that is all I recollect 
 
 About the 'sperience, 
 Exceptin', from that day till now 
 
 I never have been since, 
 A BASEBALL FAN. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 87 
 
 SISTER IS AFRAID OF A MOUSE? 
 
 You ought to hear my sister yell 
 
 Whene'er she sees a mouse. 
 My sister nearly has a spell 
 
 Whene'er she sees a mouse. 
 
 My sister's brave as brave can be 
 If bear or lion she should see, 
 And tigers scare her not a bit, 
 But sister nearly has a fit 
 
 Whene'er she sees a mouse. 
 
 She screams and cries and wrings her hands 
 And calls for "Help, Dear Mercy Lands," 
 And runs and climbs upon a chair. 
 And oh she has an awful scare 
 Whene'er she sees a mouse. 
 
 One time my sister had a beau 
 As most girls do sometimes you know, 
 A timid chap, she called him Gene. 
 Now sister gave an awful scream ; 
 Sister saw a mouse. 
 
 She screamed so loud, the frightened mouse, 
 It scampered all about the house 
 In vain attempt to find a shelf 
 Or other place to hide itself; 
 This frightened little mouse. 
 
88 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 And finding efforts all in vain 
 A place of safety he to gain, 
 The mouse concluded to ascend 
 The pantaloon of sister's friend; 
 This naughty little mouse. 
 
 Now sister grabbed the poker stiff 
 And gave the mouse an awful biff, 
 Or so at least my sister tried, 
 But mouse was on the other side ; 
 This clever little mouse. 
 
 Now sister, she is not the kind, 
 
 When she sets out, to change her mind. 
 
 And having biffed her first in vain 
 
 My sister up and biffed again. 
 
 Now Gene, convinced his leg was broke. 
 
 He yelled so loud that he awoke 
 
 My Dad who plunged from out his bed 
 
 And landed where my brother Ed 
 
 Had set a trap to catch the mouse. 
 
 Whose presence round about the house. 
 
 Was manifest for several days 
 
 In obvious and sundry ways. 
 
 My Dad he gave an awful roar 
 
 Upon his landing on this floor. 
 
 For Eddie's trap with jaws of steel 
 
 Foreclosed itself on Daddy's heel. 
 
 Now Gene he heard the noise upstairs 
 
MILES OF SMILES 89 
 
 But of its import unawares 
 
 He armed himself to make defense 
 
 Against the robber if perchance 
 
 A robber should be prowling 'round, 
 
 And fell the culprit to the ground. 
 
 Now Daddy, frantic in his plight, 
 
 Another effort to alight 
 
 Did make, but with no better luck, 
 
 For when he lit he fairly struck 
 
 A hole which being in the floor 
 
 Was unprotected by a door, 
 
 As had been planned. The hole was small 
 
 And Dad could not get through at all. 
 
 His feet and legs and body swung. 
 
 But arms and shoulders caught and hung. 
 
 Now while Eugene was minding Dad 
 
 He didn't notice sister had 
 
 Procured a bale of boiling brine ^ 
 
 With which to scald this base vermine, 
 
 Which by the way still held defense 
 
 In remote nook of Eugene's pants. 
 
 His only thought was what to do 
 
 To fell the robber swinging through 
 
 The orifice above his head 
 
 And make for sure the scamp was dead, 
 
 And you may judge of his surprise 
 
 When there before his very eyes 
 
 My sister stood with boiling pot 
 
 To dash and souse the very spot 
 
90 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 Where last the mouse was thought to be. 
 Now Gene with all rapidity, 
 He grabbed the pot and made a dash 
 The robber's feet and legs to splash, 
 And had Eugene belabored well, 
 The consequence no man can tell. 
 Now on that very selfsame day. 
 My mother's aunt had come to stay, 
 How long nobody ever knows. 
 But she had brought a trunk of clothes, 
 And as Gene aimed with erring eye. 
 The boiling brine all went awry 
 And spattered all the clothes and things 
 Of mother's aunt Lucinda Bings. 
 Lucinda hearing all the noise, 
 She quite completely lost her poise. 
 And sallied forth in night attire 
 Proceeding thence to vaunt her ire. 
 And though a pious saint she be, 
 A secret just twixt you and me, 
 The things I heard Lucinda tell 
 To Gene, no printer dare to spell. 
 The upshot of the whole affair; 
 Luncinda Bings she pawed the air 
 And packed her clothes and went away 
 And ne'er returned until this day. 
 And all on account of a mouse. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 91 
 
 NOTHING ELSE TO DO 
 
 A man lives down in Dingytown, 
 
 God bless his stingy soul, 
 Whose only comforts are his dog, 
 
 His cane and pipe and bowl ; 
 He goes to bed at early dawn 
 
 And sleeps till break of day, 
 And after breakfast lights his pipe 
 
 And smokes his life away, 
 
 For he's nothing else to do. 
 
 He doesn't read the Daily News 
 
 Because it costs a bit ; 
 He will not pay for Parson's gab 
 
 He doesn't care for it; 
 He wears the same old suit of clothes 
 
 He's worn for twenty years, 
 But not a breath of scandal e'er 
 
 Escapes his listening ears, 
 
 For he's nothing else to do. 
 
 He turns the hungry from the door 
 
 With void and empty hand, 
 And spurns the call of charity 
 
 He'd have you understand ; 
 He'd rob the widow of her mite, 
 
 The orphan of his bit ; 
 
92 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 He gathers up his sordid gains 
 And stores them in his mit, 
 For he's nothing else to do. 
 
 Now quite a number of the boys 
 A Hving in our square, 
 
 Have organized a little club 
 For doing what is fair, 
 
 And we have every one chipped in 
 And helped to raise a purse, 
 
 And telephoned to Muncie for 
 A plain old fashioned hearse, 
 For there's nothing else to do. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 93 
 
 CONTENTMENT 
 
 In the ancient land of Sparta I am told 
 That the man most highly honored was the bold 
 Courageous man of valor; neither pain 
 Nor patriotic death did he disdain, 
 But he never found contentment. 
 
 Turning next my thoughts to ancient Rome, 
 Chivalry was found to be the topmost dome 
 Of Ambition. He was honored most 
 Who led in battle's fury, Caesar's host. 
 But he never found contentment. 
 
 In Athens I am told that education, 
 Philosophy and art were the foundation 
 And the structure and the fabric and the goal 
 And the actuating motives of the soul, 
 But they never brought contentment. 
 
 In all the lands between the east and west. 
 There has ever been a mad'ning morbid quest 
 To attain a gorgeous mint of filthy gold 
 For which men's souls have oftentimes been sold, 
 But it never brought contentment. 
 
 So in searching through the archives of the past 
 I was verging on despair when lo at last 
 I caught the vision of a peasant bending low 
 In the service of her kindred. Now I know 
 Where to find contentment. 
 
94 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 NATURE'S BEAUTY 
 
 When I look upon the grandeur of the autumn 
 
 trees 
 And behold the brilliant colors as the gentle breeze 
 Keeps a nodding of the graceful branches to and 
 
 fro, 
 And their inimitable beauty reigns where'er I go, 
 And their dazzling splendor sparkles through my 
 
 clouded eye 
 I have often stopped to meditate and wonder why 
 I may not share their beauty. 
 
 Then again when winter's chilling frost and 
 
 drizzling rain 
 Paints grand temples and cathedrals on the 
 
 window pane. 
 And drapes the trees and shrubs with beauteous 
 
 snowy shroud 
 And gives to them such splendor as no artist e'er 
 
 endowed 
 To mortal art, I look upon their lustre with squint 
 
 eye, 
 And strangely muse and meditate and wonder why 
 I may not share their beauty. 
 
 Or when whitecaps scamper to and fro in sunny 
 
 May 
 And hold their pompous exhibitions day by day, 
 
MILES OF SMILES 95 
 
 Or Thor peals out his threatening storm fore- 
 boding call 
 
 And the sky transcends the glory of celestial 
 Gaul 
 
 And I behold such grand resplendence as doth 
 blind my eye 
 
 The which no man can reproduce, I wonder why 
 I may not share their beauty. 
 
 One day a himible peasant chanced to pass my 
 
 way, 
 And to a poor and needy orphan she did say 
 "I freely share my mite;" and as the days passed 
 
 by 
 She gave response unselfishly to every cry, 
 And when I gazed upon her radiant sparkling eye 
 I saw replete effulgence and I fathomed why 
 I had not shared God's beauty, 
 
96 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 SOL HENRY'S BETROTHAL 
 
 I have a tale I'd like to tell, 
 
 A tale that's all too true 
 If I could only find smooth words 
 
 Like lawyers alius do, 
 But bein' just a Country Squire, 
 
 A plain unvarnished man. 
 You'll have to take it as it comes; 
 
 I'll tell it as I can. 
 
 Sol Henry had a little farm 
 
 Down by the old canal ; 
 Now Sol was up in years they say 
 
 And never had a gal. 
 Now Sol he didn't have a hate 
 
 Toward the weaker sex. 
 He couldn't make 'em understand; 
 
 Their brains were too complex, 
 So Sol he wrote a little ad 
 
 And sent it to the news 
 And answers? Lahs! You can't believe, 
 
 Came in to beat the Jews. 
 Sol took his choice and writ a note, 
 
 A clever little note. 
 And Sue she answered by return 
 
 And so they wrote and wrote, 
 And finally they set the day 
 
 And Sue packed up her grip 
 
MILES OF SMILES 97 
 
 And all aboard was Sue to take 
 
 A quiet wedding trip, 
 But when she landed from the train, 
 
 Imagine her surprise 
 When there was Sol in working clothes 
 
 Before her very eyes, 
 For how should Sol expected be 
 
 To know what clothes to wear 
 On going down to meet his bride 
 
 Or how to comb his hair? 
 I'm not a findin' fault with Sol, 
 
 I wouldn't care a whit, 
 But I was need in' of that fee, 
 
 And that I didn't git. 
 
98 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 NEVER GROW OLD 
 
 When I was a lad in my teens, 
 
 My grandpap was called an old man, 
 But now I am older by far 
 
 Than ever my grandpap was then. 
 And still I am only a boy, 
 
 A youth in both spirit and soul. 
 So I am contendin' that there 
 
 Is no reason to ever grow ole. 
 
 My grandpap was wearin' long whiskers 
 
 That literally covered his face 
 And seasoned his tea and his coffee 
 
 And mimibled the words of his grace ; 
 But the Lord be could alius hear grandpap, 
 
 For he was a blessed ole soul, 
 Much ol'er than ever he need be 
 
 For there is no need to grow ole. 
 
 My grandpap lost all of his carin' 
 
 For huntin' and fishin' and books 
 And children and clothin' and dressin' 
 
 And matters affect in' his looks, 
 And all of the pleasures he cherished 
 
 Was nursin' his pipe and his bowl. 
 But if grandpap had lived in my fashion 
 
 He needn't have ever grown ole. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 99 
 
 At seventy-five I'm delighted 
 
 With children astride of my knee, 
 And mussin' my hair with their fingers 
 
 And ttmiblin' around over me, 
 And askin' me questions, and tellin' 
 
 'Em stories I often have tole 
 For these are the things that keeps grandpaps 
 
 From agein' no matter how ole. 
 
100 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 GREAT IDEES 
 
 There is a man that lives down here in Dingytown 
 That is destined to become of world renown ; 
 Not that he possesses any wondrous skill, 
 Nor special fitness for great mission to fulfill, 
 But I'm judgin' of his future if you please, 
 By his monstrous 'cumulation of idees. 
 
 He has got a great mechanic's turn of mind. 
 He is always at in vent in' of some kind 
 Of machine the like of which was never known, 
 And no brain e'er could invent except his own. 
 Now he spends a lot of money makin' these. 
 But he's all the time a pilin' up idees. 
 
 In his monstrous brain there dwells a little notion 
 That in course of time he'll have perpetual motion 
 And a tube equipped with high electric power 
 For sendin' people over seas in half an hour. 
 Now perchance he'll die without completin' these 
 But he'll leave behind, a stack of big idees. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 101 
 
 STAY WITH THE FARM 
 
 Folks are leavin' of the farm most every day 
 And a hikin' to the city Hght and gay; * 
 Oh I grant the farm's a Httle lonesome now, 
 But we better far stay with it anyhow; 
 It won't be long till spring's a comin' round 
 And we'll hear the cheery Robin Redbreast's 
 
 sound ; 
 Old Cock Winter's long tail feathers will drop out 
 And Jack Frost so badly crippled be no doubt 
 That for months he'll hardly dare to gad about. 
 We will soon be hearin' of the meadow lark, 
 And the Katy-did a singin' in the dark. 
 And the clover will be bloomin' here in June 
 And we'll hear the Bob-o-link in merry tune, 
 And the sassy little stingin' honey bee 
 Manufacturin' its sweetness just for me, 
 And old Sol will soon be kindlin' up his fires 
 Coaxin' lovely roses from the thorny briers, 
 And we'll hear the patter of the April showers 
 Lulling us to slimiber in the midnight hours, 
 And our lips will smack and glow in ruddy red 
 As respects we humbly pay the luscious bed 
 Of strawberries teasin' of our appetite; 
 And the trees all dressed aglow and burnished 
 
 bright 
 In their new Parisian petticoats of green. 
 And we'll hear the cooin' of the dove I ween; 
 
102 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 The soprano of Bob-white so loud and shrill, 
 And the tenor of the pipin' whippoorwill, 
 And the owl a singin' alto, and bull frogs 
 Croakin' out bass solos in the marshy bogs. 
 And sweet melody will fill the balmy air 
 And charm the world with heavenly music 
 
 . everywhere ; 
 Oh I grant the farm's a little lonesome now, 
 But we better far stay with it anyhow. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 103 
 
 LIVING JUST NOW 
 
 Well now I 'low it wasn't bad 
 
 To live a hundred years of yore, 
 But I contend it's better now 
 
 Than what it ever was before. 
 The tallow candle had its day, 
 
 The fire place may have been all right, 
 But I will toast my shins and read 
 
 By furnace and electric light. 
 
 It's nice to talk of barge canals 
 
 And mule back rides through mountain snow 
 But I will take the railroad trains. 
 
 Street cars and autos when I go. 
 The old log cabin thatched with straw 
 
 With snow and wind and winter's chill 
 May be romantic but I'll take 
 
 A plastered house, that's what I will. 
 
 The home spun clothes and home knit socks 
 
 And mattresses of shucks and straw 
 Are nice enough to talk about 
 
 But when it comes to sleeping, lah ! 
 They won't compare with cotton mats. 
 
 And there's the wooden trundle bed 
 A kinder hidden under Pa's. 
 
 Give me a big brass bed instead. 
 
104 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 The oaken bucket in the well, 
 
 The rag wove carpet on the stair, 
 Are good enough for poets but 
 
 I'll stay where rugs and faucets air. 
 I'd liked to live about the time 
 
 My grandpap married Liza Jane, 
 And then I'd like to live just now 
 
 And sometime I would live agane. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 105 
 
 MOTHER'S LOVE 
 
 Although I tour in distant lands 
 O'er mountain peaks or desert sands, 
 No mortal voice to greet my ear 
 I hear a voice that gives me cheer, 
 
 'Tis the voice of my mother's love. 
 
 Or doth affliction sore oppress, 
 Or bathe in anguish and distress, 
 Nor balm to soothe this life's disdain. 
 I feel a touch that soothes my pain ; 
 'Tis the touch of my mother's love. 
 
 Or when bereavement drapes the door 
 And darkens life from face to core. 
 And plunges me in sorrow's sea, 
 I hear a voice that comforts me ; 
 
 'Tis the voice of my mother's love. 
 
 Perchance my pathway leads to sin. 
 With naught but ill designs within 
 My heart, nor bent on worthy goal, 
 I hear a voice that makes me whole ; 
 'Tis the voice of my mother's love. 
 
106 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 WHITE ROSES 
 
 (An Easter Carol.) 
 
 On the summit of Calvary's Mountain, 
 
 Where the cross of the Savior was borne, 
 To this day may be seen a blue rose bud 
 
 With petals all drooping, forlorn; 
 By its side is another with petals 
 
 As pure and as white as the air. 
 And thus since the days of Golgotha, 
 
 The blue and the white have been there. 
 
 The blue has been loathed through the ages, 
 
 As the emblem of death and despair. 
 Men shrink from its presence with hatred ; 
 
 Its pollen defileth the air. 
 Its thorns prick the flesh to the bleeding, 
 
 And poison with venom, I vow. 
 For the blue rose is nourished and watered 
 
 By the sweat from the traitorous brow. 
 
 The white rose with sweet adoration, 
 
 Is viewed as the emblem of love ; 
 And of hope and of life everlasting 
 
 And home with our Savior above ; 
 Its fragrance as sweet as Frankincense, 
 
 Brings peace and repose and accord. 
 For the white rose is nourished and watered 
 
 By the blood from the side of the Lord. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 107 
 
 Since the dawn of that first Easter Morning, 
 
 When Mary of Magdala 
 Viewed the tomb where the Savior was buried, 
 
 And the stone from the door rolled away; 
 White roses have flourished and blossomed 
 
 Wherever man's footsteps have trod. 
 And out of their blossoms has risen 
 
 Divine benedictions from God. 
 
 Our land is a land of white roses ; 
 
 Sweet roses as pure as the dew, 
 Bearing solace and sweet consolation, 
 
 Inspiring with courage anew. 
 Here's a rose to the Star Spangled Banner, 
 
 Whose folds gently float in the breeze, 
 And carry the message of Jesus 
 
 To the far away isles of the seas ; 
 May her folds swayed by zephyrs from Heaven, 
 
 Continue in triimiph to wave 
 O'er the land of the true and the faithful, 
 
 The home of the just and the brave. 
 
 Here's a rose to the temple of worship, 
 The church of the Savior divine. 
 
 The giver of life everlasting. 
 
 The author of blessings benign. 
 
 Here's a rose to the home and the fireside. 
 Where mercy and love doth abide, 
 
108 MILES OF SMILES 
 
 The haven of rest and rejoicing, 
 
 No matter what ills may betide. 
 
 Oh the world is just filled with white roses, 
 To the farthermost isles of the sea, 
 
 Bearing peace and good will and rejoicing, 
 And gladness for you and for me. 
 
MILES OF SMILES 109 
 
 TOUCHED BY THE HAND OF THE 
 LORD 
 
 In the land of the Holy of Holies, 
 
 Where Jesus was born among men, 
 A pendulous bulb was borne swiftly 
 
 By the wings of an eagle of ken, 
 And dropped in the foul stagnant waters, 
 
 Submerged in the cesspool of earth, 
 But something seemed beckoning hither 
 
 And a beautiful lily came forth ; 
 
 It was touched by the hand of the Lord. 
 
 In the shoals of the waters of Birma 
 
 Are swan, the Bird Royal renowned. 
 Nor of form neither gainly nor comely, 
 
 Nor note of melodious sound : 
 Her throat bent in angular silence. 
 
 As mute as the stillness of night ; 
 But in dying she brings forth such music 
 
 As Heaven itself doth delight ; 
 
 She was touched by the hand of the Lord. 
 
 The gray homely web of the spider, 
 
 Entwined 'round the Yuletide tree ; 
 Nor beauty nor strength to sustain it. 
 
 Nor power to defend it hath he ; 
 The target of every domestic, 
 
 The prey of the onslaught oft told, 
 Comes suddenly forth into splendor 
 
 In glittering threads of gold; 
 
 It was touched bv the hand of the Lord. 
 
no MILES OF SMILES 
 
 I dreamed of a world lost in darkness, 
 
 Mankind given over to lust 
 And worship of indolent idols, 
 
 Engraven of copper and dust ; 
 And angushing cries of oppression, 
 
 Resounding through hill and through dale; 
 The bodies of innocent children 
 
 Consumed at the altar of Baal ; 
 But light has succeeded the darkness ; 
 
 Good will has been spread among men ; 
 Peace on earth is the hour's kindly watchword, 
 
 And Heaven's doors opened again; 
 
 We've been touched by the hand of the 
 Lord. 
 
 Our life has not always been sunshine ; 
 
 We've had our full share of the rain; 
 But whenever the clouds thickly gathered 
 
 The sun has dispelled them again ; 
 We've traveled through want and privation, 
 
 Bereavement and sorrow and sin ; 
 But somehow the warmth of the Solstice 
 
 Invincibly entereth in ; 
 And now on the eve of the Yuletide, 
 
 I'm charmed by this glorious old world, 
 The land of the Star Spangled Banner, 
 
 The home of Old Glory unfurled : 
 
 We've been touched by the hand of the 
 Lord,