m wfTMARK vm ?^wmm ^z^ Modem Comedies, Farcks -» lo*^- and Dramas' '■ "- .2% diz^ BY WELL KNOWN AUTHORS JUST FOOLISHNESS This Series Comprises the Brightest and Best List of Plays, Farces, Dramas, Monologs, Dra- matic Scenes, Etc., Pub- lished. PRICE, 25c. M. WITMARK & SONS NEW YORK CHICAGO LONDON The Crest Trading Company. WitmarK Building. New YorR These plays for Amateurs are not subject to a royalty. Professional performing rights reserved. For terms and Particulars ad- dress the publishers. Just Foolishness. A HODGE PODGE VAUDEVILLE ACT For Two Male Comkdians ARYAN CARLE. ALSO SUITABLE mOR MIlSrSTRELS "^^^^S^"^^"^ Published By M. YYITMii^RK & SONS NEW YORK Copyright 1910 by M. Witmark & Sons English Copyright Secured. DIAGRAM OF STAGE. D.«.C. CO. txL.C \ Lij.t: LX. V.s.e . AUDIE.NCE. L. I E. — Left first entrance. R. I E. — Right first entrance. h. U. E.— Left upper entrance. C. — -Centrf^ of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. L. C. — Left centre of stage. C. D.— Centre door. D. R. C. — Door right centre. D. L. C— Door. left centre. ©GID ^2511 SCENE. Opens with stage set in two or three, either an interior or exterior can be used. Closes with a street scene in one. COSTUMES. The act can be costumed and played in three ways: FIRST : — Blackface. Straight plays a dandy coon wench. Comedy plays an eccentric cake- walk coon. SECOND : —Straight dresses neat soubrette style or slightly burlesqued female make-up. Comedy dresses eccentric comedy style make- up, as a tramp or nondescript, THIRD : — Can be played by both taking male characters, either black or white face, one character to dress neat or straight character, the other always eccentric comedy style. For further suggestions as to wigs, make-up and costume for any character, their style and prices, write to ♦'THE CREST TRADING COMPANY'^ J44 West 37th Street, New York PROPERTIES. If straight character dresses female style, use fan and parasol for hand properties. If male style, use a folded newspaper or cigar. Comedy character uses half burnt cigar, and much comedy can be worked up with this butt ; for instance, while waiting for a laugh to quiet down, put wrong end (Jit end) in mouth and use business of having burned the tongue. Also have a small pair of scissors and a whisk broom concealed about person, and occasionally cut the ashes off of cigar butt, or brush same off with whisk broom. JUST FOOLISHNESS A Hodge Podge Vaudeville Act By ARYAN CARLE (A I music of introductio7i to Parody^ enter eccentric character and sifigs the following parody on "LovH Me and the World is Mine". Note:— The original of this song can be secured from "The Crest Trading Company" who can furnish any piece of published music. Song 25c., orchestration 50c. PARODY ON LOVE ME AND THE WORLD IS MINE. I wandered out to see the town Beneath the shining city lights ; I met an angel dressed in brown, Yes she was fairest of the sights. Eyes that shine right into mine, clear — Oh be mine, I said dear, For I'm surely struck on you ; Yes, she said, for I am lonely. And I'll be yours only Take me out to dine. Oh do ! Refrain. I know not what I paid for wine, She took my money and my time, I only know she cleaned me! {pull out pockets^ Skidood ! left me not a dime. Encore Refrain. I must have had a bully time, But Oh ! I hate to be a shine. Next time I see her coming — Skidoo and the woods for mine ! {Enter Straight at finish of song. ) 6 JUST FOOLISHNESS. Eccentric. Ah ha! Sarah Bernhardt,* you here! curses on me luck, but you shall not have the Childs (Jakes a Childs Cigar from pocket and breaks it, then hands another cigar to part7ter) but here's a Cremo. Say did 3- ou ever smoke a herring ? Straight. ( Throws Cigar away) I don't smoke. Of course not! Did I ever smoke a herring? You're crazy. Eccentric. No, I was reading in the paper to- day that herring are smoked, so somebody must smoke 'em. Ghee this I'm smoking is a smelt not a herring. Straight. You ought to be ashamed of your- self; why don't you go to work? Eccentric. Me? Work? And disgrace my profession ? Never. Straight. Your profession ? Eccentric. Yes, I'm a Politician. Straight. How do you live ? Eccentric. By my wits. Straight. That's sad. Eccentric. What ? Straight. Why you have such a small capital to live on. Eccentric. That's right, if you want to make a good front, put all you get on your back — I came near getting a job to-da3\ Straight. My goodness, how was that ? Eccentric. President of {local Ba7ik) wanted me for a draft clerk. Straight. Draft Clerk ? * If this part is played as a male character, the name of some prominent actor may be substituted. JUST FOOLISHNESS. 7 Eccentric. Yes, I was to opeu the windows every morning and let the drafts come in, but he turned me down. Straight. How was that ? Eccentric. Oh he asked me "did you ever play a game of chance ", and I had to admit that I did once. Straight. Once ? Eccentric. Yes, I got married. Say can you catch a mackeral by putting salt on its tail ? How foolish, I'm an athlete. Straight. Is that so? So am I, I held the record for jumping. Eccentric. I hold a record for jumping too. Straight. You do ? Eccentric. Yes, board bills. Say does it hurt a joke when you crack it ? Straight. I saw you to-day with an arm full of old calendars, what were you going to do with them ? Eccentric. I'm keeping my dates and I'm saving time ! Say why do Pawnbrokers have three balls for their sign ? Straight. I don't know, why do they ? Eccentric. Oh it's a warning. Straight. A warning ? Eccentric. Yes, it means 2 to i you never get back what you put up with them. I just hate pawnbrokers — but I have to put up with them. Straight. That's because you won't stop thinking you can play cards. Eccentric. That reminds me, I stole something to-day that I can't put back. 8 JUST FOOLISHNESS. Straight. Shame on you for stealing ; what was it? KccKNTRic. I was with some friends and when it came my turn to treat I stole away. Say, did you ever travel on {local ) railroad ? Straight. Oh yes many times. EccKNTRic. I'll bet you rode in the side-door pulmans if you did. Straight. Side-door pulmans? "Eccentric. Yes — the ones some people call freight cars. Straight. I'll have you understand the Presi- dent of that road has honored me with a pass. Eccentric. Yes, he passed me too yesterday, he was coming up the street, I was going down, he passed right by. Say I'll bet you have a F.P.T. pass. Straight. An F.P.T. pass? Eccentric. Yes, free passage on the ties. Oh that's a nice railroad all right. There's the fun- niest railroad in this country, why it's built on three gauges — broad gauge, narrow gauge and mortgage. Straight. You're smart aren't you? But I've a conundrum for you; what word of five letters, take two away and one remains ? Eccentric. Stop your kidding, I give up. Straight. The word money. Eccentric. Money, Oh I always have to give that up. But how do you make it ? Straight. Well, take M and Y away from money and o-n-e remains. JUST FOOLISHNESS. 9 Eccentric. Take two letters away from money and 5^ou have one. I knew a fellow that took money away from two letters and he got ten years. Did you ever see so much rain, but we must have rain, can't raise anything without rain, have to have rain to raise even umbrellas. Straight. You ought to be ashamed of your- self to spring such an old joke, you ought to respect old age. Eccentric. Respect old age, do you always respect old age ? Straight. Certainly I do in everything. Eccentric. How about eggs. Did you hear about {local ) department store ? Straight. No, what about them. Eccentric. Why if you buy your stockings there they will send them home in a hose cart. I've been up all night. Straight. Poker game or baby ? Eccentric. Neither, I was thinking out a game to beat the races. Straight. Did you ever Go broke playing the races ? Eccentric. No, but I came home broke many a time. I used to be lucky in races. I won three in one day once, i with the Sheriff and 2 with the police. I used to own the fastest horse on the track. Fast ? When I let him out he ran so fast that the telegraph poles looked like the teeth in a fine toothed comb. He was an awful sure-footed horse. Straight. Sure-footed ? Eccentric. Yes sure-footed, he kicked me twice in the same place; but he's dead now. lo JUST FOOLISHNESS. Straight. How did he die ? Eccentric. He ran so fast, his ribs got to rattling and it scared him to death. Do -you know the surest way to make a horse fast ? Straight. No, how ? KcCKNTRic. Get a rope and tie him to a post. That's a horse chestnut. Straight. You have broken the promise that you made me. Eccentric. Never mind, let it go, I'll make you a new one. Straight. You promised me that you would get a job and go to work. Eccentric. I did get a job. Straight. Where ? Eccentric. In a grocery store, but I got arrested for cruelty to animals. Straight. Cruelty to animals ? Eccentric. Yes a cop saw me bottling cats-up. But I'm in a new line now, and it's a taking line too. Straight. What line ? Eccentric. Clothes line — at night. I'd be all right if I could only get a job at me profession. Straight. What profession is that ? Eccentric. I am a poet. Straight. You write poetry ? Eccentric. Sure thing, I'm the poet liar-yet of this country. Straight. Why you don't know the first principle of writing. Eccentric. Jealousy that's all, this business is full of it. JUST FOOLISHNESS. ii Straight. No I'm not jealous. I'm skeptical. Eccentric. Why don't you take something for it? Straight. For what ? Eccentric. For what you said you had. Straight. You misunderstand me, I mean that I do not believe that you can write poetry. Eccentric. Well I can prove it. Straight. I'm from Ann Hauser-Busch-ville, and you'll have to show me. Eccentric. You put me in mind of my first wife, I always had to tell her everything that happened — of course I also told her lots that never happened. Now there was the handsomest women on earth I — Straight. That's all right, but how about the poetry. Eccentric. Every time you mention poetry I think of her, beautiful? she was a dream. Her dear little mouth— it was so small she could never hold her tongue — her mouth — well it looked just like a dried cut in a lemon — and eyes — all blue of the skies was there— of course I sometimes got tired of blue and changed them to black — but poor girl she was crossed in both eyes — yes she was so cross- eyed that when she would cry up stairs in the front room all her tears ran down the back steps. Straight. But how about that poetry ? Eccentric. Poetry— her hair was the kind that makes poets rave {ing mad). She had red hair, not the ordinary red hair but about 9 times redder than that. Why her hair was so red that one night she 12 JUST FOOLISHNKSS. went out to the barn and all the roosters woke up and commenced to crow. Straight. All the roosters crowed ? Eccentric. Yes they thought it was sunrise. Straight. But how about that poetry ? Eccentric. Poetry always reminds me of her. She always accused me of marrying her for her money. Straight. Was she rich ? Eccentric. Well when I married her she had one whole dollar and I had on 85 cents. Every time we quarrelled she used to throw that 15 cents up to me and say I married her for her money. Straight. But how about that poetry? I don't believe that you can write poetry. Eccentric. Do I write poetry ? does a duck do the natatorium? will a hobo drink rum? Why I can beat Wood-yard Kindling {Rtidyard Kipli7ig) with both hands tied behind me. Here's a little thing that I dashed off to-day, you take this with a little seltzer on the side. {Reads) Willie cracked up several eggs the cook had boiled for tea But Willie said these eggs are not what they're cracked up to be. Straight. You don't call that poetry, do you ? Eccentric. Sure it is, you didn't think that it was a Chinese prescription for the chills, did you ? Here's another touching little thing which I have dedicated to the Governor of New Jersey. {Reads) Amos Skeeter went to skate upon a man's bald head But he slipped down — And broke his crown ; Now Amos Skeeter's dead. JUST FOOLISHNESS. 13 Straight. That is worse than the other. Eccentric. You're no judge. Straight. No, but if I was I'd give you ten years for that. Eccentric. Why I hold the medal for writing the shortest and most poetical poem in the English language. Straight. You hold a medal for the shortest poem ? Eccentric. I do — here it is. Boy : — Gun Gun :— Bust Boy :— Dust Straight. Who ever told you that you were a poet ? Eccentric. Here's an effort that will touch the heart of every man in this audience, watch for the tears when I give it to them. A girl, a man, they meet, Oh bliss Their lips have met in one rapt kiss When she has went, his watch is missing Oh ! what a price to pay for kissing Straight. Help ! Murder ! Police ! Won't some one save me ? Eccentric. Perhaps you'll like this better. I wrote it for my Sunday school class. The good are sure, I am told this When dead to surely go to bliss But if you're wicked, brother, sister Instead of bliss, you'll go to blister. Straight. That's where you'll go if you don't stop. Eccentric. Here's one I dedicated to the Governor of Texas. 14 JUST FOOLISHNESS. There was a young man named Alexis Whose home was away down in Texas But this silly young fool Pinched the leg of a mule And he died with a broken solar- plexis. Straight. I call a foul on that, you're down and out. Mr. Referee sound the bell. {^Bell rings off stage 7iine times immediately after the ninth stroke, eccentric cries out. ) Eccentric. Stop ! those wedding bells shall not ring out (^Strikes dramatic attitude. ) Straight. You're enough to make Shakespeare turn in his grave. Eccentric. Here's one I dedicated to Ella Wheeler Wilcox, it's a dainty little love poem. 'Tis sweet to love. But Oh ! how bitter, To meet your girl when her clothes don't fit her. Shades of Tennyson, listen to that! Here's where I put Tennyson in the shade. They used to pray in the good old day Give us this day our daily bread But times have changed and they've arranged To use this form of prayer instead. We pray Thee please to give us ease From all the many debts we owe And just instead of daily bread Give us each day our daily dough Straight. You don't have to be a Baker to knead that. Eccentric. Here's one that ought to get me a tablet in the hall of fame. It's a very pathetic little piece ; I may break down in reciting it — if I do, I hope you will pardon my tears. JUST FOOUSHNESS. 15 MIRANDA'S VERANDA There was a young girl named Miranda Who courted her beaux ou the Veranda But her brother named Ted Painted everything red Unknown to his sister Miranda. That night with a chap named Leander Miranda sat on the veranda Next day what they said Matched the paint that young Ted Had placed on Miranda's Veranda. ( To Orchestra. ) Fiddle, bunch! you've had a long enough rest. Song. SinP^ P ' Bye Bye My Caroline. ' ' ' .u 1 "You'll Have to Get Off and Walk/' (. *• Bye Bye My Sailor Boy— Jack Tar." Dance and Off. Encore. Eccentric. See, I told yo\x if you didn't do that right they'd make you come back and do it over again. Straight. I'll never do right as long as I stick to you. Eccentric. Ain't that cruel? Just for that you'll have to sing again — get busy Mister Music Mans. Sing another verse of so7ig or another songy finish with dance, and off. "HER. BUSY DAY" A CHRISTMAS PLAY IN ONE ACT. FOR 3 MALES AND 3 FEMALES. BY MAY CATHARINE BARRETT. A pretty Yuletide love story, this. On Christmas Eve a poor stenographer, who is secretly in love with her employer, is discussing the personality of the latter's alleged fiancee with the office boy. The marriage of their employer and the woman of his choice is rumored as being about to take place. She calls at the office, that afternoon, to go Christmas shopping with him. When the stenographer is left alone an unscrupulous young man who admires her enters and tries to tempt her to spend a gay evening with him. She is about to do so, being despondent over the apparently imminent wedding of her employer. Her admirer, in the hope of establishing a hold upon her, shows her an important contract which she accidentally dropped and he found the evening before. This he proposes to use to injure her employer, and the stenographer, in order to save the latter, is about to leave the office with the former and so gain time and opportunity to secure the contract, when her employer himself re-enters, having missed the paper and grown uneasy about it. She tells him that she lost it, that her admirer found it, and that he was about to restore it to its rightful owner, to all of which the admirer unwillingly assents. She then returns the contract, and again starts to leave with her admirer in accordance with her promise to him, but her employer, sus- pecting that all is not right, calls her back, persuades her to admit that her admirer stole the paper, and that she is about to jeopardize herself for the employer's sake. He then tells her that he was never actually affianced to the woman with whom rumor has connected his name, and that her recent conduct has displeased him so much that he has parted company with her. He then asks the stenographer to become his wife, which she, confessing her love for him, promises to do. The false admirer returns for her, but receives his dismissal. "This has been my busy day!" she says, at the close. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE HABITANT'S REVENGE'' A PLAY IN ONE ACT. FOR 2 MALES. BY GORDON ROGERS. A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he and his daugh- ter were wronged by a stranger to whom he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by. apparently, the same man, whom he recognizes, but who does not recog- nize him. Taking the visitor at a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome stranger. While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but, just as the much wronged man is about to put his threat into execution, the younger, realizing that he is the son of the wrongdoer, declares himself just in time to save his life. A powerful, dramatic story, most effectively told, and affording opportunities for the portrayal of a strong character study and of an attractive juvenile part. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. STi'iii I One copy del. to Cat. Biv. 1^0^ -i i^^' LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 017 400 480 8