3£ ps 635 .Z9 >st free: aat Britain only ]6d. 1 5 C£kr> IB435 I Copy 1 >J F. ACTING EDITION i : COMPANY FOR GEORGE (R. S. WARREN BELL). The FEE for each AMATEUR representation of the piece is 63/-, payable in advance to SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C. LiONDON : SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., PUBLISHERS, 25, SOUTHAMPTON STREET, STRAND. NrfW YOUR : SAMUEL FRENCH, PUBLISHER, 28, WEST 38th STREET. BELFAST- J. Nicholson, 26, Church Lane. V BIRMINGHAM- James Quest, 12, Snow Hill. W. H.SMiTn & Son, 34, Union St BRADFORD- W. H. Smith A Son, 5, Dale Street. BRISTOL- E. Toleman, 2, Rupert Street. DUBLIN- Moimow's Library ,12,Nassau St. EDINBURGH- H. Robinson, 111-115, Leith St. GLASGGW- Wm. Love. 221, Argyle Street. LEEDS- R. Jackson, 18, Ccmmproial St. LIVERPOOL— J. Burkinshaw & Sons, 28-30, Colquitt Street. MANCHESTER- John Heywood, Deansgate and Ridgefleld. NEWCASTLE-ON-TYNE- Thomas Allan, 18 & 20, Blackett Street. PLYMOUTH- W. Hkardbr, 195, Union St. PRESTON- ^ J. 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The Cook (Maria) . . Miss Margaret Murray. The Parlourmaid (Ada) . Miss Maude Buchanan. The Kitchenmaid (Emily) . Miss Ethel Ross. Scene. — The Kitchen. Time. — Evening, during the serving of dinner. One Act, Price 6d. 30 minutes in represen= tation. One Scene. Fee, One Guinea. COMPANY FOR GEORGE AN ORIGINAL FARCICAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS By R. S. WARREN BELL Copyright, 191 i, by Samuel French, Limited New York SAMUEL FRENCH Publisher 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 26 Southampton Street STRAND TSi 3T ,2 B The fee for each and every amateur representation of this play is three guineas, payable in advance to Messrs. SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 26, Southampton Street, Strand, London, or their authorized agents, who will issue a written per- mission for the performance to take place. No repre- sentation may be given unless this written authority has first been obtained. Any costumes or wigs required in the performance of " Company for George " may be hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs. Chas. H. Fox, Ltd., 27, Wel- lington Street, Strand, London. Scenery may also be arranged with this firm. TMP92-008611 ©OLD 24493 Mr. Fewlass Llewellyn* Miss Eva Moore. Originally produced on Saturday, October 15, 1910, at the Kingsway Theatre, London, by Miss May Palfrey and Miss Lena Ashwell, with the following cast : — George Birch (of " Wee Neste," Bishop's Dale) % Gay Birch (his wife) William Claypool (of Cam- bridge University, a visitor at "Wee Neste "j . . . Doctor Horne (a local practi- tioner) ...... Lydia Neale (his half-sister, a hospital nurse) .... Septimus Spring (a man of many interests) .... Colonel Spring (his brother) Lord Michaelmas (an impover- ished landowner) Mary P. CooBit (an American Lady Explorer) .... Dunn (footman to Lord Michael- mas) Fanny (maid servant at " Wee Neste f> ) AusTiN (garden boy at " Wee Neste ").*.... Mr. Kenneth Douglas* Mr. Herbert Bunston. Miss Hilda Antony. Mr. Halliwell Hobbes*, Mr- Windham Guise. Mn Guy Carey. Mrs. Culling. Mr. Frank Leach. Miss Esme" Hubbard* Mr* Percy Goodyer* SCENES. ACT I. Scene. — Morning-room at " Wee Neste. ACT II. Scene. — Exterior of " Wee Neste. The next morning» ACT IIL Scene. — The same. The next morning. Time.— The Present. Note. — The curtain should be played up for Act I with the chorus of " I Love a Lassie" and the same should be played a$ the last curtain falls. r u COMPANY FOR GEORGE ACT I. Scene. — Morning-room at " Wee Nested Mr. Birch discovered at breakfast-table., r. Mrs. Birch walking in from up l. with cup and saucer. Mrs. Birch. So forgetful of Fanny not to lay a cup and saucer for Mr\ Ctaypool. {Sits down c, facing audience.) What were you saying about some one arriving last night ? Mr. Birch. I was saying that Home's sister arrived last night. Mrs. B. (coldly). Oh ! I do not attach any import- ance to the event. (Pours out tea.) Mr. B. My dear, the arrival of a real, live, pretty hospital nurse in this rural and healthy but somewhat dull spot, is an event. Mrs. B. (passing him cup). How do you "know she is pretty ? Mr. B. Home showed me her portrait. Mrs. B. Oh, well, she'll be nice company for your friend Mr. Clay pool. Mr. B. (putting down cup suddenly). My friend ! I wish I'd kicked him out weeks ago ! Mrs. B. George ! Think what company he's been for you ! Mr. B. Enough of that parrot cry ! He's not com- pany for me. That is to say, he's too much company for me ! Mrs. B. My dear man, I've simply kept him on because I thought you were dull. Mr. B. So you say, but you know you would be very dull if he wasn't here. I am nobody 1 I do not think that I have really entertained you since the days of our courtship. (Sighs.) When I used to play tunes on my teeth with a fruit-knife. Mrs. B. (tartly). And very silly you looked. Mr. B. When one is in love, one is mad. Mrs. B. (acidly). Thank you ! Enter Fanny from, down l. with toast. Is Mr. Claypooi up, Fanny ? Fanny. Yes, ma'am. (Puts toast on table.) Mrs. B. Have you taken him his shaving water ? Fan,ny. Yes, ma'am. (going). _. _j 6 ""■ COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Mrs. B. (takes toast). And seme scap — (sharply) he had no soap yesterday ? Fanny. I'll remember, ma'am. (Steps by dccr x down l.) Mrs. B. And clean tcwels ? Fanny. Yes, ma'am. (Exit.) Mr. B. There isn't all this fuss about my shaving- water. I can shave at the well for all you care. Mrs. B. You are not a guest. Bell off, down l. Who can that be ! Mr. B. (eating). If we exercise patience, I daresay Fanny will inform us. Possibly hot-house grapes for Claypool. Enter Fanny, down L. r with telegram. Fanny (to Mr. Birch). A telegram, sir. Mr. B. (opening and reading telegram). Your aunt Clara again ! Mrs. B. What— again ? Mr. B. Listen : *' Cannot understand postponement. Most awkward. Wire if can ccme to-morrow," and it's REPLY PAID. Mrs. B. Oh dear 1 Oh dear ! What can we do ? She was so cross in her last letter. Mr. B. Well, we're helpless. Claypcol's got the only spare rocm. Fanny. Any answer, sir ? Mr. B. Yes— tell the hoy to wait a mement, Fanny. Exit Fanny down l. Now, Gay, decide Mrs. B. (with decision). Well, we can't ask poor Mr. Claypool to go. Mr. B. And we can't afford to offend Aunt Clara, Mrs. B. No. Oh dear, what's to be done ? Mr. B. Suppose we sleep Fanny out ? Mrs. B- Oh ! we couldn't put Aunt Clara in that tiny attic, Mr. B. We could put Claypool in it. Mrs. B. George, hew can you ? Mr. B. Suppose I get Home to give me a bed, and Aunt Clara turns in with ycu ? Mrs. B. (tearfully). With me ! Why, Aunt Clara is most particular. She wouldn't dreem of " tuirirg in " with anybody. Mr. B. Sleep Claypool out, then ? COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 7 Mrs. B. But it takes the poor boy a week to get used to a strange bed — he told me so. It would be cruel. Enter Fanny down l., with Septimus Spring. The latter is a tall, thin, grey-haired man, dressed in an alpaca overcoat over a tweed suit, and carrying an old wide-brimmed straw hat and an umbrella. Clean-shaven, except for side-whiskers. Fanny. Mr. Spring, ma'am. [Exit.) Mr. and Mrs. Birch both rise. Mrs. B. {advancing towards Spring). Oh, how do you do, Mr. Spring ? [They shake hands.) Spring {waves off Birch). Sit down, both of you. It's a shame to disturb you. Get on with your breakfast at once. They re-seat themselves. Spring sits down l. of table on edge of chair, holding umbrella between knees. I thought I would just look in, as I got a letter from your mother, dear Mrs. Birch, only this morning. It seems she hopes to be here soon. (Birch and Mrs. Birch look at one another.) Mrs. B. {faintly). Yes. We hope to see her soon. Spring. Immediately, she said — immediately ! Hoped you were all well. A very nice letter. I antici- pate meeting her with great pleasure. — You must know, my dear Mrs. Birch, I keep in constant touch with my friends. Oh, yes ! Always keep your friends up, is my motto. Your aunt Clara now, dear Mrs. Birch. We correspond frequently. She saw my letter in the papers about my giant gooseberry, and was so interested. And Sir Ralph Glengarry Mrs. Birch. My uncle ! Spring. Even he has deigned to exchange some little correspondence with me on the origin of blue- bottles. Mr. B. Try him on wine bottles. He'll be on surer ground there. Mrs. B. [icily). Spare us this wit, George ! Won't you have some breakfast, Mr. Spring ? Spring. Thanks, but not till to-morrow morning. Ha, ha — excuse me. You Londoners are a little late in your ways. I generally breakfast at six — some lettuce, brown bread, and milk warm from the cow. Mrs. B. The Simple Life ! Spring. Eustace Smiles and I have crossed swords in the Daily Express as to whether the milk should be 8 COMPANY FOR GEORGE, allowed to cool or be taken warm. Most interesting. At the same time I was enjoying a duel in the Chronicle- with Professor MacPeters on the diluting of milk. That i unny By the Way fellow in the Globe suggested that it I r eally wished to benefit the nation, I should first be- queathe my body to the " Dogs' Home' at Battersea " and then dilute my milk with arsenic. Mrs. B. {severely). How rude ! Spring. They must fill up with something, dear lady. I sent them a two-column reply, but they cut it down to four lines and headed it *' By the Milky Way." Ha ! ha !— not bad ! Claypool [voice within up l.)_ Bring me a clean towel, please, Fanny ! Spring. Why, your young friend is even later than you ! I fancied he had gone. He seems a bright, ami- able 'fellow — though as a matter of fact I have never been introduced to him. Birch is eating. Mrs. B. Yes, he's very good company for my husband. Mr. Birch chokes. My dear, what is the matter ? Yes, Mr. Spring, Willie — Mr. Claypool, I mean — is very nice. Plays with George and is company for Marjorie — I mean Spring. Quite so, quite so! He is making quite a long stay, I suppose ? Mrs. B. Yes, we are glad to have him with us ! He makes himself so useful. Helps me shell peas, and is company for Marjorie — I mean Spring. I comprehend. Just the sort of voung fellow people like to have on a holiday. Satisfied with, whatever is going and makes himself one of the family. Mrs. B. Oh, yes, he is quite one of the family. Mr. B. Quite! Spring. I know the type well. Quiet, modest, un- assuming. The product of modern university life. I am sorry I have not seen more of him. Well, I must be moving on. (Rises — and suddenly leans ovev butter-dish.) But, my good friends, do you know what you are eating ? Examines butter. Mr. B. Best fresh butter. Spring. Bah, Birch, bah ! You've been swindled. I have written a pamphlet on bad butter. This is. foreign, sir — Polish. It is obtained from cows that are fed on thistle tops (smells it) and dried dandelions, (Walks away from, table with it.) COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 9 Mr. B. Well, as it's all we've got, you might let us have it till we can get some more. Spring {returning butter to table). You cannot be too careful with food. Even in the country it's adulterated. [Takes up milk-jug and peers in.) Ah, as I thought ! Mr. B. What's the matter now ? Spring. Two parts of chalk to six of milk. A fraud' ! I will send it to the county analyst. Walks from table with it. Mr. B. {springing up and seizing jug). Pardon me I Mrs. B. Oh, please leave us a little. And Mr. Clay- pool is so fond of milk. Spring. Ah, well, have it your own way — have it your own way. Now, if I could peep into that teapot {opens teapot) Mr. B. <> My good sir- ,) Mrs. B.j Oh, please, Mr. Spring- Spring. Very good. Go on being poisoned. Don't mind me Mr. B. We don't. Spring {seizing Birch's wrist as his fork is half-way to his mouth). Stop ! Mr. B. {furiously). Leave go, will you ! Spring {releasing wrist). Have it your own way. I've warned you. All meat is bad ! You'll be sorry one day you didn't listen to me. {Snatches up Mrs. Birch's plate.) What jam is this ? Mrs. B. Strawberry ! Spring {examining it). Sawdust and turnip, coloured with a dye and flavoured with a drug ! [Puts down plate.) But go your own way. Poison your blood. Sink into an early grave. Mr. B. {guarding plate with hands). We'll chance it. Spring I'll be going now. {Stops and examines wall-paper.) Ha ! the home of countless microbes. (Birch following.) My friends, be warned. Distemper your walls and your ceiling, and wash them down every day with disinfectant. {Peers at carpet.) A carpet, too. Another harbourage for disease. Everywhere the microbe swarms. {Seizes Birch's sleeve.) This coat ! Mr. B. {struggling). Leave me alone ! Spring. Tweed ! Adopt warm underwear and a linen coat. Then you can wash it. {Going to door, r.) Mr. B. Do you wash your boots ? Spring. Everything. " H " is to me the first letter 10 ! COMPANY FOR GEORGE. *-* of the alphabet because it spells Hygiene. I shall look forward to seeing your relatives. Good-morning ! Mr. B. [closing door on him). Good-morning ! Mrs. B. Don't be cross, George ! After all, he's a very harmless old gentleman. Mr. B. Harmless ! Inquisitive old gas-bag ! Shouldn't be surprised if Clara had put him up to rinding out when Claypool is going. (Sits down) . Mrs. B. What a mean idea, George ! Mr. B. You never can see an inch beyond your nose ! The old boy called for a purpose, mark me ! Enter Fanny with Dr. Horne down l. The latter is about thirty, smart and well-groomed, in riding clothes. Fanny. Dr. Horne, ma'am. Mr. and Mrs. Birch rise. Dr. Horne (advancing to table). Please don't let me disturb you. I must apologise for calling rather early. I have a long round this morning, and thought I would take you first. (To Mrs. Birch.) And how's the patient ? Mrs. Birch reseats herself. Claypool (voice within). I say, hurry up with that towel, there's a good girl. Mrs. B. (rising). Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Why doesn't Fanny take him his towel. Mr. B. I'll go and hurry it up. (Mrs. Birch sits again.) Exit down l. Dr. H. (sitting down r. of table). Your friend, then, is still with you ? Mr — er Mrs. B. Claypool. Yes, Mr. Claypool is still with us. Dr. H. Indeed ! I imagined his visit was to be quite a brief one, Mrs. B.. So did we — (quickly) I mean, it was, tout we are glad we've persuaded him to stay on, he's such company for George. Dr. H. What hospitable souls you are ! Mrs. B. Nothing of the kind. Willie — I mean Mr r Claypool — keeps us alive. This is a dull place, you know. Dr. H. (humorously) . But painfully healthy ! Mrs. B. Yes, it's healthy enough, except for the river. I believe that is what has affected Marjorie's throat, poor child. Dr. H, Is — er — Mr. Claypool an old acquaintance of yours ? COMPANY FOR GEORGE. n Mrs. B. Oh, no ! We only met him here. He put up with Barltrop, the wheelwright, when he first came, but couldn't sleep. When Barltrop drinks too much, he breaks crockery, and that disturbed Willie — Mr, Clay- pool, I mean. When only rather lively Barltrop would break an egg-cup or a saucer, but when very, he would go on to larger things. Dr. H. I see. " From Egg-cup to Soup-Tureen.'* Sounds like the Life of an American President. Mrs. B. (as she rises, seriously). Please don't joke. (Dr. Horne rises.) It really upset Willie Dr. H. Mr. Claypool Mrs. B. Exactly, Mr. Claypool. (Comes down l. of table. Dr. Horne follows.) We met him at the tennis club, and he told us all about it, so we asked him to come to us for a week. You see, I thought he would be such good company ■ Dr. H. Quite so ! And has the week elapsed ? Mrs. B. Oh, he's been with us four weeks now. It has been a little awkward, as we have had to put off other friends, but he's very nice. So quiet and no trouble. Plays with Marjorie, and helps me shell peas. And of course George is glad of his company. We shall be so sorry when he goes, but we can't ask him to stay much longer. We are expecting an aunt of mine, you know, and at the end of a week she'll have to turn out for my uncle, and then my mother is coming. We haven't had the heart to give him a hint yet — but I must take you to Marjorie — poor dear ! her throat troubled her a good deal last night. Enter Mr. Birch from down l. Mr. B. I solved the difficulty by taking him up his towel myself. Mrs. B. (goes to him — hands on his shoulders). Dear George ! How good of you ! Mr. B. (irritated). Well, I couldn't let him bawl the house down, with Marjorie bad. Hadn't you better go and get her ready to see the doctor, my love ? Mrs. B. Y^es, I'm going now. And how about an answer to Aunt Clara, dear ? Mr. B. Oh ! send the lad away ! I'll take it to the post-office myself. Mrs. B. Very well ! Mr. B. By the way, give an eye to Claypool 's break- 12 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. fast. He said something yesterday about preferring bacon and tomatoes to bacon and eggs. Mrs. B. (hands to head). Oh ! how forgetful of me ! How forgetful of you I I must remember — tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes ! (Exit down l.) Mr. B. (absently — sitting down at head of table). Cup of tea, doctor ? Dr. H. No, thank you. (Another tone.) By the way, your friend Mr. Claypool might like a game of bridge. If so, I can oblige him. Mr. B^ (loftily). I don't suppose he'll be staying here much longer. I shall be sorry when he goes, as he's such good company for the wife. I suppose I mustn't offer you a whisky and soda ? Dr. H. Thanks, indeed, but not quite so early. Mrs. B. (without, down l.). Marjorie's quite ready for you, doctor. Dr. H. (rising). Well — I'll be trotting upstairs. Mr. B. I'll show you the way. Exeunt down l. Enter by verandah, c, Claypool, a young, good-looking man. He is dressed in lounge suit and wears " pumps." The typical 'Varsity man. Claypool (dabbing at his-- chin with handkerchief). Beastly old saw, that razor ! Just like Birch, never to strop his razors! (Raises cover from dish.) Eggs and bacon ! This is getting chronic ! I must speak to Birch about it. Tea, too ! And I said I liked coffee. I must speak to Birch about it. (Sits down l. of table and opens newspaper.) Hang it ! " Pepperbox " run last again ! There goes my last sovereign. (Pulls out his money and counts it.) Half-a-crown ! — a penny with a hole in it, and a Kruger sixpence ! Well, I'm broke, that's clear. Enter Birch from down l. Mr. B. Morning, Claypool ! Had a good night ? Clay, (food on plate before him). Fairish. Beastly nightingales kept me awake- Mr. B. Breakfast to your liking ? Clay. Ye-es — ye-es. By the way, any melon left ? Mr. B. (crosses up to back). So sorry — not an atom. Apple any good ? Clay. No, thanks. I mayn't eat apples. Any greengage jam ? Mr. B. Greengage jam ! No. Sorry ! Wait a bit, COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 13 [down R. of table) there's some calves' foot jelly in Mar- jorie's room. Care about that ? Clay, (with grimace). Wouldn't rob Madge for worlds ! By the way, how's the kiddie ? Mr. B. The doctor's with her now. (Crosses to bureau.) We'll soon know. (Looks at Claypool, then picks up telegram.) Ah! I was forgetting this. Aunt of ours wants to ccme. Awful nuisance. But you know what relatives are. (Hands telegram to Claypool.) You've got a fertile brain — anything to suggest ? Claypool (reading telegram). I'm a bit of a specialist at handling people like this. Where's the reply foim ? Mr. H. (gets it from bureau). Here you are. And a pencil. Clay. Thanks. Leave this to me, Birch. You and Madame are a little upset to-day, and don't want to be bothered, / can see. Just let me deal with your tele- grams, and you'll find I shall say everything that is nice and tactful. (Repeats words aloud, as he writes en fcim.) " Mrs. Truelove, Ivydene, Malvern. Greatly regret must postpone you, serious epidemic in village — writing. George." Hcw's that ? Mr. B. Eut, my dear man, there's no epidemic. Clay. What ! There are threats all ever the place. Mr. B. Is that so ? Dear me ! Clay, (rises — puis pencil in his pocket). There — just you tell Fanny to run up to the pest-cmee with that. 'Of course, you don't want to offend your aunt, but that will quite satisfy htr. Mr. B. (comes to front of table — hesitating). Well,. of course, if it's as you say Clay. Go on, old man — send it off ! Exit Mr. Birch down l. slowly, studying telegram. Well, there are throats all over the place, and beer going down most of them. (Arranges paper against hot-water jug.) Anyhow, I've settled Aunt Clara's hash. Now about " Pepperbox." Enter Mr. Birch down l. Mr. B. (crosses below table to r. of it.) Any luck with the gees, Claypool ? Claypool. Went down yesterday. I say, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take in the Sportsman, would it ? Mr. B. (crosses to bureau). No, old chap — I'll order it at once. Birch makes a note on paper. 14 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. *** Clay. And it's as well to see what the Sporting Life says. Mr. B. I'll order that, too. Been doing badly lately ? Clay. Broke to the wide, wide world ! Eight to one ! {Studying paper.) What a chance ! (Rises- — gets to bach of table.) Now, if I had a fiver Mr. B. (turns in chair). Sovereign any good, old man ? Clay, (goes to him). It's really awfully good of you — Mr. B. Not at all — not at all ! Here you are !' {Hands Claypool sovereign.) Hope it'll come off. Clay. You're a trump ! There's a little man in the village who does business with the bookies. I'll put it on with him. Give me an appetite for breakfast. Exit c. 'Enter Mrs. Birch and Dr. Horne from down l. Mrs. B. And so we sent him up to Rowland Ward's to be stuffed. Dr. H. Hospitality indeed ! Mrs. B. You see, Mr. Claypool was so fond of his little dog — they were devoted to each other — it was pitiful to see him when he heard Bismarck had been run over by a motor. Mr. B. (turns in his chair). My good woman, Clay- pool didn't care a hang about the dog, and no wonder, for of all the miserable, vicious little mongrels I've ever met, commend me to Bismarck ! Mrs. B. George ! Mr. B. (rises — goes to table). Don't be a fool, Gay!" You know the animal was a perfect nuisance ! He killed two or three hens, and Marjorie's rabbit, he made the postman's life a terror to him, he lamed the cat next door, he's always been a thief, and he tried to bite you t Mrs. B. Poor little fellow ! Mr. B. He even snapped at me ! (Goes up stage, R.) Mrs. B. You shouldn't have teased him. Mr. B. (comes back to her). Teased him ! Do I ever tease anybody or anything ? I tell you, it's a good thing he's gone. He was a wretched mongrel not worth ninepence. Mrs. B. Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you. Mr. B. I'm ashamed of myself — I am ashamed of ever having allowed this man and his beastly dog to stay at my house. (Goei down stage a little.) I've only done it to oblige you ! COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 16- Mrs. B. (sits l. of table). Oblige me ! (To Dr. Horne.) Oh ! If you knew how he grumbled about being lonely (To Mr. Birch.) You know how glad you were when I asked Mr. Claypool to stay with us for a week (Birch goes up a step), being so uncomfortable at the Barltrops — you know how you brought out your whisky and cigars and told all your anecdotes — and you know I asked him because I thought he would be com- pany for you Mr. B. Company ! (Crosses front of table — to Dr. Horne). Why, I've done nothing but wait on the fellow hand and foot for weeks Mrs. B. Bare politeness, George. Mr. B. Bare politeness ! Do you call it bare polite- ness sitting up till two in the morning playing double dummy and losing every rubber ? Do you call it bare politeness playing singles with him at tennis in the blaz- ing sun, and losing every set ? Why, I've worked myself to a shadow amusing that man ! Mrs. B. He's done you good — you can't deny it. You were complaining about putting on weight. Mr. B. The truth of the matter is that you like hav- ing him here. He's one of those men that women like. Women always love wasters. Mrs. B. (rises). George ! (Crosses below table to r.) Mr. B. (goes to her a little). You were complaining of the dulness, and so I thought it would be a good idea ta let the fellow stay here a bit. I wish I'd never set eyes on him. Mrs. B. (turns — crosses towards him). And you pride yourself on your hospitality. Mr. B. Bosh! Mrs. B. (comzs to table). You are very rude, unkind and ungrateful. (Looks at table.) And why isn't he having his breakfast ? I must go and see what he's doing. (Crosses to Dr. Horne.) Poor boy, he's still upset about Bismarck. It has put him in one of his melancholy moods. Exit indignantly down l. Birch sits on chair r. of table. Enter Fanny r. Fanny. Two more telegrams, sir. (Hands them to Mr. Birch.) I met the boy in the road. He says they're reply paid, too ! - Mr. B. (opening telegrams). All right, Fanny. Tell him he needn't wait. Exit Fanny r. _ 16 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Hullo ! more of my dear relatives. Listen to this, doctor. " Cannot understand your letter. Arranged to come this week. Please fix date. Glengarry." That's Sir Ralph, my wife's uncle, a bachelor and worth a hun- dred thousand if he's worth a penny. And he's full of gout. Now for the other. ' ' Am expecting to hear from you. Hope all well. Shall I come Saturday ? Mater." That's the wife's mother. She can't let herself go at a halfpenny a word, or she'd say a lot more, as she has the gift of eloquence. Well, I don't know what the deuce to say to 'em. Of course, it's this chap Claypool who's keeping them all out. If he'd go, I could take them in by turns, one down, t'other come up. You're a man of experience, doc — what do you advise ? (Goes to him— crosses him to fireplace.) Dr. H. I hardly know what to say ; Claypool doesn't seem inclined to budge, I take it ? Mr. B. Not an inch ! Dr. H. I fear I can't help you. Mr. B. (moodily). Seems to me I must shut the place up and go back to town. Dr. H. That would be a pity. It's doing you all a lot of good. Mr. B. (turns to him). Marjorie, for example ? Dr. H. Oh, she'll be all right in a few days. It's nothing very serious. (Picks up hat and gloves and whip from table by Chesterfield.) I certainly wish I could help you. As it is, I must be off now. I have to go my rounds, and then Lydia and I are going to a tennis party Mr. B. Lydia — that's your sister, isn't it ? Dr. H. My half-sister — Miss Neale. She's a nurse at St. Matthew's. Mr. B. (crosses down r.). Of course. You told me before. (Stops.) Look here ! I have an idea. Dr. H. What about ? Mr. B. (goes to Horne). Willie — Claypool, I mean, hang him ! (with a gesture.) Do you think your sister would help us ? Dr. H. How ? Mr. B. (thoughtfully). It's worth trying. Now, listen !.' Would she be our trained nurse for a day or two ? Dr. H. My dear man ! Mr. B. (stopping in front of him). It's like this. (very pleased with his idea). I insist on a trained nurse. Your sister arrives. His room will be wanted for her. Exit Claypool. What could be simpler ? COMPANY FOR GEO&GE. 17 Dr. H. It's an idea, certainly. — I'll ask her. Mr. B. Will you ? " ' Dr. H. I will — but I can't promise she'll consent. She's down ior a rest, mind you. Mr. B. Give her a hint how matters stand, but don't mention any names. She needn't meet Claypool, but she might, so it will be as well to keep his name dark. Dr. H. Very good. I'll relate the sad story of hos- pitality abused and enlist her aid. I should think that she'd look upon it as good fun. Mr. B. Put it how you like. This chap must go, and an infectious illness will bring about the happy dis- patch — grand idea, eh ? Dr. H. It has its points. And now I must be going. {Holds out his hand.) Good-bye for the present. Mr. B. Good-bye. Do get her to help us. They shake hands. There's one thing more. I can talk to you as a man. The missis is just a wee bit inclined to be silly about this chap Dr. H. I see — I quite see. I'll do what I can. Mr. B. You're a real pal. Dr. Horne moves away. I'll tell Mrs. Birch at once that you think Marjorie ought to have a nurse, and then I'll take her out for a long trot. Then you whip your sister along, and instal her here. That'll mean Master Claypool will have to march at once. Dr. H. I'll do what I can, I promise you. Mr. B. Good ! (Shakes hands vigorously with Dr. Horne and pushes him off.) Exit Dr. Horne down l. It's an idea ! It's the idea of a century. (Crosses to bureau.) And now for these telegrams. (Sits down and pores over telegrams.) What the dickens can I say ? Well, this little scheme ought to shift him, so there'll be room for the old man. We'll chance it, anyhow. {Writes.) " Glengarry, Moat House, Cheltenham. Glad to see you on Wednesday. No room till then. George." There ! that's done. Now for mamma-in-law. We can stable her a week later. (Writes.) "Mrs. Glengarry, Hydro, Bexhill. Glad to see you Wednesday week. Sorry delay, but positively unavoidable. George." There, that's the two of 'em. Now if I get Claypool to take these up to the post-office, he can't help reading them. It'll be as broad a hint as man could give. _ 18 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Enter Claypool — hat on — up l., lighting cigarette. (Rising.) Hullo ! Ah — by the way — Claypool, d'you? mind taking these telegrams up to the post-office when you've finished breakfast ? Sorry to trouble you, but Fanny's upstairs with Marjorie, Austin isn't about, and I've got a load of letters to write before lunch. Clay, (takes telegrams). Certainly, old chap ! I don't feel breakfasty, so I'll go at once. Mr. B. Thanks — awfully good of you. Exit down l. Clay, (reads telegram). " Glengarry, Moat House. Cheltenham. Glad to see you on Wednesday. No room till then. George." (Stares at telegram.) What's this ? Who's Glengarry ? — And why will there be room on Wednesday ? Does it mean that I've got to clear ? (Strikes an attitude.) That's it ; I've got to go. (Paces slowly down stage and takes photo from inside pocket.) And I've been waiting all these weeks to see you, Lydia. (Gazes at photo. Foot of table.) Sweet Lydia Neale, who flashed upon my young life at a May week ball ! Ah ! to think that all I know of you is that your name is Lydia Neale, and that your home is at Bishop's Dale ! So here I am, Lydia, waiting for you, in spite of the fact that I can't find anybody called Neale in the place. And wait for you I must, for I haven't the faintest idea as to where you are. . . . You said you'd be- here in August, and I've been here since the first. Now it's the twenty-fifth. (Puts photo in pocket and crosses* to bureau.) Let's see what the other telegram says. (Takes it up and reads.) " Mrs. Glengarry, Hydro, Bexhill. Glad to see you Wednesday week. Sorry delay, but positively unavoidable. George." So that's it, is it ? The first one's due on Wednesday, and the next in a week, and I'm to be shot out. (Takes out photo and' gazes ardently at it.) Never ! — Never will I say die. (Puts photo bacrk in, pocket.) Where's some telegram forms ? Here we are ! (Sits down and writes.) " Glen- garry, Moat House, Cheltenham. Must ask you to post- pone visit. Village flooded. Living in upper rooms. George." Now for the second Glengarry. (Gets up and searches table.) Yes,, here's the wire — handed in at Bex- hill. (Reads.) " Am expecting to hear from you. Hope all well. Shall I come Saturday. Mater." And they put her off a week. That'll make her wild, and it's level betting she'll turn up at once, no matter what they say. (Sits down.) This calls for something drastic. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 19 (Bites pencil thoughtfully.) Something drastic (Writes.) " Most sorry to put you off. House burnt down last night. George." {Gets up.) There ! That'll settle Mater ! I'll send 'em off before my conscience begins to prick me. Exits by path l., with telegrams. Enter Fanny down l. Goes to back of table. Fanny. And he's eaten no breakfast. Good job he ]had some bread and butter with his early tea. ' Enter Mr. and Mrs. Birch down l. Mr. B. It's better, I tell you, to be on the safe side. Home has a nurse handy who can come at once. The girl I told you of — his sister — half-sister, rather. Mrs. B. But I'm sure it isn't necessary. Mr. B. Little woman, let me have my way. I wish Mrs. B. (sits in chair r. of table). Where can we put her? She can't sleep in Marjorie's tiny little room. Mr. B. (crosses to her). Oh! we'll find a corner for I her somewhere. (To r. of her.) Now come along down . into the village and get Claypool's cucumber. Mrs. B. (jumps up, .excited). What! no cucumber? Exit Fanny down l. with breakfast things. Mr. B. No ; and I've got to get him a tin of " Pioneer." He always forgets to buy tobacco. Mrs. B. And I must get some wool to match his socks. Mr. B. And I think he said he wanted some pipe- cleaners. Enter Fanny from down l., with deal box. Fanny. This box has just come, ma'am. Mr. Birch takes box, Fanny goes up stage ; Mrs. Birch looks at label. Mrs. B. From Rowland Ward's. It must be poor Bismarck. Open it, George. Mr. B. (puts box on table). Let him open it himself. Mrs. B. George ! Remember he is our guest. Mr. B. Does he ever let me forget it ? Mrs. B. We sent him to be stuffed, so of course we can open it. Mr. B. (takes out knife). Well, I suppose I'd better — just to keep the peace. (Prizes lid open.) Here we are ! That looks like the bill on top. (Takes out bill and hands box to Mrs. Birch.) Help! 20 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Mrs. B. What is the matter, George ! Mr. B. Two pounds ten ! {Crosses to her.) Mrs. B. Very moderate ! (Takes small white dog out of box.) Poor little fellow ! Oh, I do feel for Mr. Claypool. Mr. B. Two pounds ten — do you hear ? And I've got to pay it. (Puts bill in pocket.) Mrs. B. Well, one must be polite to one's guests. Besides, you mu'st remember that he sard he would like to make Marjorie a present of the stuffed dog — as some return for our kindness. Mr. B. (crosses over to l. of box). At my expense ! (Snatching dog from her and crushing it into box.) Come on ! (About to exit up l., followed by Mrs. Birch.) Mrs. B. You needn't worry. I'll pay it out of the housekeeping monej^, so it won't cosi; you anything ! Exeunt. Enter Claypool r. Clay. I fancy I've rattled up the old dears a bit ! Bishop's Dale will receive a bye this August. (Sees box.) Hullo \ why, it's poor old Bizzy ! (Takes dog out.) Well, you do look nice, Bizzy ! Fatter than ever you di t in life. Dear old chap ! Confound that motor ! I'd like to wring the fellow's neck. (Dramatically.) I'd like to fix him down on the road, Bizzy, and get up top speed, and run over him, and come back and run over him again and Enter down l., Dr. Horne and Lydia Neale in Nurse's costume. Dr. H. Ahem \ Lydia, gives a start, unseen by Dr. Horne. Clay, (turning confusedly, as he replaces dog in box) . Oh, I — er — beg pardon — I Dr. H. Don't mention it. This is — er — my sister — Miss Neale. She is going to nurse Marjorie. Clay, (staring at her). Er — oh, yes ! (Bows.) Yes ! (Laughs awkwardly.) Dr. H. I think it as well Marjorie should have a nurse. Is Mrs. Birch about ? Clay. Gone out, I think. (Stares at Lydia.) I'll — I'll look for her. Dr. H. Very good of you. Claypool goes to door down l., turns, then Exit. That, Lydia, old girl, is the gentleman you've got to evict. (Looking at door down l.) COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 21 Lydia. He seems very harmless. Crosses to r. of table ; looks round room.. Dr. H. Harmless ! He only keeps Birch chasing about like a page-boy all day long ! Lydia {laughing). It must be rather funny. Dr. H. It's a serious matter for Birch, as I tokl you. His relatives are simply wild at being put off. Now, I shall expect you to back me up, Lyd. I must keep in with these Birch people. They know everybody here. Lydia {goes to him). Don't worry, old boy. I'll do my best. I'll be simply horrid to him. Dr. H. That's right. He'll try and flirt with you, of course, but I expect you'll know how to handle him. In any case, he can't stay, as you will have to have his room ! Lydia {reluctantly — leans on front of table)-. Itxioesn't seem very kind to the poor fellow, does it ? Dr. H. {irritably). My good girl, the ** poor " fellow's like an influenza germ — very easy to get into the system, but infernally hard to get out of it. You'll play the game, Lyd — promise. Lydia {hands on him). I'd do anything in the world to helfj my brother. Dr. H. Bravo! {Passes her over to l.) Now trot up and see your patient, and then there isn't the slightest reason why you shouldn't go out and get all the fresh air you can. No necessity to martyr yourself. 4 {Exeunt down l.) {Enter by window c. Austin. He is a rough, unkemp youth about sixteen. Wears old dark trousers and waistcoat : grey flannel shirt with sleeves turned up. Wears cap ; no collar. Puts pots of flowers in window, R\ of French windows. With watering-can he proceeds to^ water the flowers in window. As he does so he whistles " I love a Lassie." Enter Claypool, hurriedly, up l. Austin touches cap and exit c.) Clay. I can't find Mrs. Birch anywhere — hullo \ they've gone. {Sinks into Chesterfield.) By Jove ! What a start ! To think — {gets up and paces room) to think I should have been hanging about here for four weeks in order to meet a girl, and in she walks. What, luck ! {Sinks into chair and wipes forehead.) What stupendous luck ! {Dreamily.) And looking prettier than ever ! I'll take her to the races. . . . Get Birch to hire a wagonette. (Pulls out coins.) Confound it, I'm 22 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. dashed hard up, . . . And I daren't bleed Birch any more. What's to be done ? {Takes dog out of box.) Yes, they have made a good job of yon, Bizzy ! (Sound! Of motor-horn off.) You look very like a live dog — very like. No one would think you were stuffed. (Sits down.) Very like a live dog, I must say.. (Motor horn off.) I've an idea ! (Hand to chin, considering). Austin passes outside, whistling. No one would suspect. (Looks about.) No one about except that lad. (Watches Austin watering flowers.) And a boy who can whistle the same tune all day long must be a born idiot. (Atwindcws, c.) Hello ! Austin ! Austin (looking round). Yezzur ? Clay. Do you know any other tune to whistle ? Austin. No, zur. (Goes on whistling.) Clay. As I thought — a born idiot. (Looks out of window, r.) No one else about . . . I'll risk it. . . . Plenty of motors going to the races. ... I'll risk it. (Goes to table, takes string with which box was fastened and. iies one end to leg of dog. As he ties it) — Not a hair of your body shall be touched, Bizzy, yet you shall be run over and over and over. Without the house (dramatic- ally) there is a sharp curve, and on the near side of fthC curve there is a bank whereon the wild thyme grows; and on that bank you shall be landed before any wheel can disturb the harmony of your contour. [Motor-horn off. Exit r., dog in ahns. As he goes out Austin puts down watering-can and rushes to window R., watclws Claypool for a few moments, then takes up can and exit c.) Enter Claypool, door r. Clay. Yes, what the road has taken the road shall give back. (At c. to Austin.) Look here, boy, I feel like exercise, so I'll do some Watering for you. Go and have a sleep in the summer house. Austin (grinning, as he gives tan to Claypool). Thank'ee, zur. Goes off to r. of c. whistling tune as before. Clay, (watering flowers in French windows). A just revenge. It may not be the man who ran over 'Bizzy, but they're £.11 alike. It matters little to them what they run over. Yes, the road has taken Bizzy, and the road shall repay me an hundred fold. Enter Lydia, from down l. 3 with book- COMPANY FOR GEORGE- 23 His spirit {brandishes can, turning to audience ; doesn't see Lydia.), frisking in the doggy shades, shall bark with joy when it beholds its earthy shell arrest the road-hog in full career. (Turns suddenly and sprinkles water on Lydia's skirt.) Oh ! I beg your pardon— I — er — I — had no idea you were there ! Lydia (coldly). It is of no consequence. Clay, (putting can down). But it is of consequence. Please sit down. Let me wipe your skirt for you, (Lydia sits l. of Chesterfield. He wipes skirt with .hand- kerchief.) There, I think that's better. All right now, I think. (Changes manner suddenly, drops on knees and seizes Lydia's hand. Lydia, darling, it's fate ! Lydia (very coldly). Please get up and don't be silly. Clay, (still holding her hand). But — but — you remem- ber that night at Cambridge ? Lydia. Please get I always think of you as Birch's child-wife. Mrs. B. Oh! Clay. As for liveliness,, the outlook is promising. The Flower Show's coming on, and I'm going to have a try for the greasy pole. A pig is the prize. I want to take it back to Cambridge with me. Mrs. B. Oh, you need not go to all that trouble ; we can get you a pig quite moderately. Clay. It will be hardly the same thing to take back a pig I'd,, bought. There would be no romance about it. Winning a pig by walking a greasy pole, now, would make a man a bit of a blood, don't you know. Mrs. B. Oh, I do wish you'd let us get you one ! Clay. I suppose Birch could lend me some old things ? Mrs. B. Well, if you are bent on it, I will look you some out, but I do hope you won't be drovvned ! Clay. I fancy I shall manage to keep afloat. They're bound to have life-belts on the bank. Hello ! here's Maple & Co. again. Enter from verandah, Fanny and Austin, carrying chest of drawers, and Mr. Birch with hip-bath, towels, sponge and towel rail. They take them into tent. Mrs. B. (going towards tent). That's right, people. (Drops wool.) Now, don't forget the looking-glass, and you must bring out a lamp in case Mr. Claypool wants to read at night. Fanny, Austin and Mr. Birch emerge from tent, and go indoors by verandah, Mr. Birch mopping forehead. Claypool picks up wool and remains standing. And don't forget his dressing-gown, George, and his bed- room slippers, and you . might bring out a tin of biscuits. (Returns to Claypool.) 56 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Clay, {handing her wool). You've dropped your ball of wool. Mrs. B. {smiling). Oh, how sweet of you f (As they sit down.) Well, it will only be for a night ©r two. I hope you won't get rheumatism. By the way, you will be here for the otter hunt, won't you ? You'd better borrow George's shooting boots and stockings. Clay. Oh, that's all right. I'm afraid poor old George will begin to think me rather an infliction. Mrs. B- Oh, dear, no \ Think what eompany youfve been for him ! He was saying only last night that he'd lave been bored to death without you. At least, he said you would keep anybody on the move, which is the same thing. Clay. George has an ambiguous way of putting" things. Somehow, d'you know, Mrs. Birch, I some- times think I'm a bit in the way here {Crosses to R.) Yes — I'm in the way. Mrs. B. [goes down to him). Now don't — don't. You hurt me. You are getting into your melancholy mood. Willie — Mr. Claypool, I mean — listen ! Clay (without looking at her). Yes ? (Choke in- voice.) Mrs. B. Never say or think anything of that sort again. We are only too glad to have you. Indeed, we hope you will come and spend Christmas with us at our flat in town. Clay, (turns and takes both her hands). You are a dear, good little woman. I shall come with pleasure. Enter from verandah Mr. Birch with dressing-gown over his arm and a pair of boots in each hand, Fanny ■ with lamp, and Austin with a pile of books. Fanny - and Austin cross above seat into tent. Mr. Birch sees Mrs. Birch and Claypool together and drops- boots with a bang. Mrs. Birch. Oh, George, do be careful. (Mr. Birch pick? up boots and goes into tent.) Clay. I say, they are doing the thing thoroughly. Walks towards tent. Austin and Fanny exeunt above- seat into house. Mrs. B. (following him). We want you to be comfort- able, you see. Now perhaps you had better go indoors and see whether there is anything else you would like brought down. Don't hesitate to say. (Enters tent.) Clay, (inspecting interior of tent). Well, upon my COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 37 word, I think that bar a box of matches the place is perfect. I'll go and hunt up some matches. Exit by verandah. Mr. Birch comes out of tint and sits on seat. Enter Dr. Horne above house, l. Dr. Horne {to Mr. Birch). Ah, here you are 1 Put- ting up a tent ? That's a good idea. 'Somewhere to sit when the house is stuffy. Mr. B. This is Claypool's bed-sitting-room, my dear boy. Dr. H. Eh ? Mr. B. We've put it up for Claypool. [Gesticulates towards tent to tell Dr. Horne some one is there.) When he heard that a nurse was coming, he very naturally offered to give up his room, and said he would camp out on the lawn. Dr. H. (dismayed). What! hasn't he gone? Mr. B. Obviously not. ^ Dr. H. (annoyed ; going down r.) But this is ridicu- lous ! Mr. B. It's only for a day or two, of course. We shall probably get him a room in the village. (Points to tent and makes warning signs which Dr. Horne evidently doesn't understand.) Dr. H. Look here, Birch, what is all this nonsense ? My sister's on her holidays, and I'm not going to have her cooped up here until this fellow chooses to take his departure. (Crosses him' to r.) It's ridiculous ! Mr. B. (making frantic signs). What do you mean ? Dr. H. The only thing to do is to tell Mrs. Birch all about it and get her to give Claypool his conge. Mrs. B. (appearing at door of tent). Tell Mrs. Birch all about what ? (Moves out and confronts them.) There seems to be something mysterious in the air. What is it? Mr. B. (laughing awkwardly). Nothing, nothing. Dr. H. Nothing. Mrs. B. (between them). You look very guilty. Dr. Horne. What do you mean by " all about it " ? Dr. H. My dear madame, a mere joke between Birch and myself. Mr. B. (with forced laugh). Ha ! ha ! Just a joke. Mrs. B. I can tell by Dr. Home's tone that it isn't a joking matter. George, speak the truth. Mx. B. Oh, very well. It's like this. We must have Claypool's room, and so — I did it for the best— I thought it a good idea to introduce a nurse for Marjorie. 38 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. {Takes Mrs. Birch's arm.) Don't be angry f (Walks her down l.) Mrs. B. George! What a wicked plot ! (Wrenches herself free.) Mr. B. Don't be a silly. You know we want his room. Mrs. B. What vile inhospitality ! I should never have thought it of you. And Dr. Home, 'foo ! Dr. H. (goes to her). My dear madame Mrs. B, I don't want to hear a woid. (Horne gees up stage.) It's unspeakable. The poor boy has no proper home Mr. B. Like the cuckoo. But he generally finds, inexpensive lodgings with other people. Mrs. B. (to Dr. Horne). Well, not a word of this must get to his ears. (Goes towards house.) He would be hurt beyond measure. Oh, George, think ! How would you like it ? And he has been so nice. Think, what company he has been ^ Mr. B. (desperately). Not that again- — not that again ! (Up stage, l.) Mrs. B. (goes to him). He has been company for you. And he's helped me shell Marjorie and played with the peas — oh ! what am I saying ? Mr. B. (soothingly). We follow your drift. Mrs. B. (tearfully; coming to r.). You'd have been very dull without him, and so should I. Mr. B. And what about Aunt Clara ? Mrs. B. (coming back to c.) She can ccme later. You know you hate having her here. Mr. B. Yes, but I look ahead. I don't believe in offending childless relatives. Mrs. B. How sordid ! And we've given them all very good excuses, so far ! Mr. B. (sarcastically). Ha ! ha ! Just like a woman ! Dear Gay ! Mrs. B. Whenever a woman says something that women <>ay, but men are afraid to put into words, men say, " Just like a woman " ! In matters of every-day life men are all cowards. (Goes up to seat.) They have no pluck. Dr. H. And women no principle ! Mrs. B. (sits on seat). How dare you ! — Oh, I beg your pardon, Dr. Horne, I thought I was talking to my husband. Mr. B. (up to l. of her). Look here, Gay — about thes^ relatives. I've given them dates. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 39 Mrs. B. (sinks back in seat). Let me know the worst, What dates ? Mr. B. I've fixed up Uncle Ralph for to-morrow, Aunt Clara for next week, and your mother for the week after. You see, I was reckoning the Claypool scheme would work. Mrs. B. " The Claypool scheme." What a phrase ! Oh, poor boy — poor boy ! Mr. B. (standing to l. of her). Call him a very poor boy, and you've got it. Mrs. B. (furiously). Now you're jeering at his poverty. (As she rises, sees Horne smiling.) And Dr. Horne is backing you up — I saw him smiling. Go on — go on. Hound him out of Bishop's Dale ! Mr. B. Are we an hotel ? Mrs. B. Don't talk to me, sir. I'm tired of you. I'll leave you to get out of the difficulty as best you can. Dr. Horne had better say his diagnosis was in- correct, and that there is nothing really the matter with Marjorie. Then his sister can go at once. Mr. B. But that doesn't solve the Claypool question. Mrs. B. I can't help it. Until Mr. Claypool volun- teers to go, it would be the grossest inhospitality to give him the slightest hint that we wanted him to. Mr. B. And meanwhile Aunt Clara and Uncle Ralph, and your mother must wait ? Mrs. B. Yes. Mr. B. And alter their wills ? Mrs. B. (defiantly). Yes, if they like to be so mean \ (Mr. Birch looks at Dr. Horne in despair.) Mr. B. My dear girl Mrs. B. [comes down l,, crosses him). Don't " dear girl " me ! I tell you I am not going to deliberately turn that poor boy out to make room for Aunt Clara, with her pills and potions and old maidisms, and Uncle Ralph with his gout and bad temper and everlasting anecdotes — (excitedly) and I think it's a vile, wicked plot. I am ashamed of you both. Yes, Dr. Horne, I am ashamed of you. You ought to have known better. Dr. H. (shortly). I acted with- the best intentions, Mrs. Birch. I wished to serve you. Mrs. B. Serve me / (Foot on verandah step.) The whole scheme is infamous and unpardonable. But never mind — I've asked him to spend Christmas with us Mr. B. What ? Mrs. B. (in tearful triumph). At Sloane Street — at our flat. 40 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Mr. B. {crosses to r. of her). You've asked him to come and be company for me again Mrs. B. Yes, and to play with Marjorie, and help stone the raisins (sobs), and stir the pudding, and sing carols (sobs) , and go shopping, and see the Old Year out and the New Year in — yes„ I've asked him, so there ? Exit dramatically into house. Mr. B. (wipes brow as he sinks on to steps). Home, I can't stand this. You must make me up a tonic. This is beyond bearing. Dr. H. (patting him on back). Cheer up — cheer up. It isn't as bad as all that. But what about Lydia ? Mr. B. (rising). Well, I suppose Miss Neale had better leave to-morrow. I won't tell Claypool she's- going, or he'll prepare to pop back into his room. I'll let him find it out for himself. (Despondently .) Ah ? you don't know what a month I've had. I'm sorry to» have got you into all this, doctor. You're a good chap,. I'm obliged to you — and that's all I can say. (Going up stage.) T>cm."t forget my tonic. Dr. H. Ill send you round something — never fear.. {Up stage.) Buck up, old man. Exit above house, l. Mr. B. Asked him for Christmas. Asked him to be company for me again ! Asked him to smoke my cigars and drink my '74 port. (Laughs wildly.) Company for George ! Company for George ! Company for George I Exit by path r. below tent. Enter Claypool, by verandah, with box of matches in- upright silver match-box case. Clay. A great mistake to be without matches. (Inspects tent.) Awkward if one couldn't have a smoke in the night. (Sits down on chair in door of tent.) Well, I'd better do some reading. (Picks large book off pile.) Who — who would take me for a divinity student ! Cer- tainly not my bookie ! (Looks at title of book.) Paley's Evidences. (Turning over leaves.) Paley, my dear boy, no doubt you meant well, but you took a long time get- ting out what you had to say. (Lights cigarette.) A leng time. You put up a monument of learning, old man, and I'm the Johnnie that's got to scale it. (Goes into tent.) Enter Lydia, by verandah. She is dressed in a nurse's indoor costume — white starched cap, blue -print dress, i wtyite cuffs, and white apnn. She carries a bcch.^ COMPACT FOR GEORGE. 41 Lydia {pausing on verandah). I will not stay in that stuffy room any longer. (Crosses to tent.) Oh, what a jolly little tent ! (Peeps round corner of tent and sees Claypool, who comes out.) Oh, I beg your pardon ! Clay. Don't mention it. This is a welcome surprise. Lydia (walking to garden seat). I have come out to read my book (coldly.) As Claypool follows her she stops. Would you — mind Clay, (awkwardly ; stopping). No — er — certainly- Lydia (seating herself l. of seat). Going back to youar tent? Clay. Certainly — er — with pleasure. (Sits down in door of tent and takes up book.) Both read in silence. Claypool looks up, then down at book. She looks up and then at book. Then after a few moments both look up at same time. Look here ! (Throwing down book.) This is rot ! Lydia (reading). Is it ? Mine isn't ! Clay, (goes to her ; is r. of her). I don't mean that. I mean this way of going on. Lydia goes on reading. Do you hear — darling ? Lydia takes no notice. You shall hear ! (sits down by her side.) Lydia quietly walks across to the chair he has left, sits down and goes on reading. Claypool stares blankly at her, then goes across, sits down on the grass by her side, and gazes up beseechingly at her. As she takes no notice of him, he seizes her hand and kisses it. She snatches her hand away,' and gives him a sharp box- on the ear. With an exclamation, he darts back to the garden seat, nursing his ear. Lydia reads on for a few moments, then, after a sufficient pause, closes book &nd' looks steadily at him. Lydia. Now that I have taught you manners, I shall be glad to hear what you have to say. Clay, (humbly). I don't think that I have anything to say — that you will like to hear. (Slowly.) I fell in love with you at Cambridge, and as I'm rather a cad that's my way of showing it. Lydia (walking to seat and sitting down by him). I am sorry — but you shouldn't have done it. Did it hurt much ? 42 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Clay. Yes, it hurt a good deal. Lydia (gently). Well, I'm sorry — ver'y sorry. (Put- ting out her hand.) Now, shall we make it up ? Clay, (shaking hands with her — rather brokenly). You are an awfully nice girl. (Hurriedly.) I say, come and look at my tent. It's awfully snug. They cross to tent. Everything as nice as mother makes it ! (Takes, ty up from table.) Observe the student's lamp. Lydia. Yes, very nice. (A pause.) And how long are you going to stay in it ? Clay, (looking awkward). How long ? Oh, a few days — a week — perhaps. It all depends ! Lydia. Oh, I see. It all depends. (Sits down on garden seat.) On what ? Clay, (seating himself to r. of her on seat). You. Lydia. Me ! Clay, (earnestly). Of course. Haven't I told you I've been hanging about down here just to meet you ! There was no other place where I should be likely to meet you. Look here, please be as brutal as you like. Tell me to go, and I'll go. Lydia (with a smile) . But I don't want tp spoil your holiday. We will each go our own way. Clay, (closer to her). Oh, but I want to go yours. Lydia. Please don't talk nonsense. I know exactly what kind of man you are. You are selfish to the core, (he rises, goes r.) but you have a way of making people like you. (He turns.) On your holidays you must be amused, and I am just now your particular form of amusement. Clay, (nursing his ear). Though so far the amusement has been all on your side. Lydia. Listen ! (He si's by her.) We will suppose, just for the sake of argument, that you are in earnest about me. Clay, (takes her hand). I swear Lydia (pulls her hand away). Let me go on. I must tell you exactly what I am like. I ccme of a large family, composed entirely of girls, except for one half- brother, Dr. Home. The girls had to turn out and do things. I'm the youngest. Three of my sisters have managed to find husbands, but not one of them has succeeded in marrying what you call " well." There always seems to be not quite enough money. So that I'm determined that, when I do marry, I will marry a COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 43 man with plenty of money. . . . That's what I am, and you must admit that it doesn't sound very nice. Clay. That's what you say you are. Lydia. T-Her- ! That's how men go on. Girls tell them frankly* \wiat they are like and the men absolutely refuse to believe them. (Crosses him to r.) And then the men marry them, and find out that what the girls said was perfectly true. Now, I have told you exactly \\ hat /am like . I am going to take warning by my sisters' sad example, and not follow it. Clay, {rises ; crosses to l. of her). But although there is a shortage of money, people can be happy. Money is the root of all evil — — Lydia. The want of it, say ! Clay, (away a little). Well, I suppose all this is a sort of hint to me, so I must be honest and tell you that I haven't a cent beyond my allowance of (hesitates) two hundred (hesitates: then boldly) eighteen hundred a year. Lydia. I call that a very good allowance. Clay. Enough to marry on ? Lydia. Quite. Clay, (taking her hands). Then, dear, will you marry me ? Lydia (tries to pull her hands away). Certainly not. Clay. Why not ? Lydia. I said I would not marry a man unless he had plenty of money. I did not say I would marry a man because he had plenty of money. Claypool lets go her hands, sighs and sits down in garden scat, turning face from her. And now I must go to Marjorie. She will be wondering where I am. (Goes to verandah ; on step glances back at him, and, unperceived by him, takes rose from her blouse and throws it to him It falls on or near him.) Exit by verandah Clay, (seeing rose — delighted). By Jove ! (Puts, it in coat as he walks down r.) The darling ! (Taking out coins). But, by Jingo ! Suppose she had accepted me ! Exit rapidly by path down r, Enter by path above house, Dunn, servant to Lord Michaelmas. His costume is a quaint mixture of coachman, chauffeur and footman, as he wears a chauf- feur's leather peaked cap, a coachman's bi.J coat, and footman's trousers. Also his hair is powdered- tie is carrying a small box with lid, 44 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Dunn. Which is the way into this place ? Do I rap on the verandah or shout ? {Peers in through ver- andah.) Seems a very nicely-feathered little nest — a lot more comfortable than our old rookery. {Taps on verandah.) Anybody at 'ome ? {Louder.) Anybody in ? Enter Fanny, by verandah. Oh, 'ere you hare, miss ! I've been 'ollerin' for 'arf an hour. Fanny {coldly) . What is it, please ? Dunn. A dog. Fanny. A what ? {Coming down from verandah.) Dunn. A little dog. I'm afraid it's a very little one, but it's the best my master could do. Fanny {looking at his clothes). What's he master of — the workhouse ? Dunn {tearfully). There you go — there you go. Just like the village boys. Call me names, they do. Fanny. What do they call you ? Dunn. "Duds." Fanny. " Drudge " ? Dunn. " Duds." D-U-D-S— " Duds." It refers to me clothes. Fanny. Well, you do look rather saucy.. Dunn. Saucy ! I don't feel it. No man in this county feels less saucy than me. Fanny. After a time you'll tell me who you are, I expect, and why you've brought that dog. Dunn. There's a gentleman here of the name of Mr. William Claypool, I believe ? Fanny. Yes. Dunn. And he's got a dog ? Fanny. Had a dog. It's dead now. Dunn. Precisely. It's dead. My master, the Earl of Michaelmas Fanny. Go on ! Dunn. My master ran over this dog, and said he'd send another to take its place. Fanny. You're Lord Michaelmas's man, then ? Dunn {bitterly). Man ! I'm his 'ousehold. I'm his footman, his coachman, and his chauffeur. You see, 'e's 'ad to cut his 'ousehold down. Naturally, being all these things, I get a bit mixed up in the clothes, as I've togs for each job. {Touching cap.) Here you see the chauffeur. {Touching his chest.) Here the coach- man. {Pulling aside coat and showing trousers. She COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 45 crosses R. of him.) Here the footman. (Tragically.) And they're all patched ! Fanny. Oh, I am sorry. . Dunn. Not so sorry as I am. Fanny. And now, what about the dog ? Dunn. 'Ere it is — little dog for Mr. William Clay- pool, with the Earl of Michaelmas's compliments. {Opens lid, towards audience. They both peer into box.. N.B. There is no dog in the box in this act.) Fanny. Pretty dear ! Dunn (gazing at Fanny). Pretty dear ! Fanny (sharply). Eh ? Dunn. Only an echo. Very echoing place, this. (Confidentially.) I'd like to care-take this place in the winter. Fanny. Would you ? Dunn. Yes, and I'd like to care-take a nice young woman with it. Fanny (goes away from him to r.) Oh, would you ! Dunn (goes to her). Yes, it's time I was pensioned by the Michaelmas family. My people have been pen- sioned by them for three hundred years, and not one of them's done the work I 'ave. This cottage is on the Michaelmas estate — I'd like to care-take it. Fanny. I'll mention it to the master. Dunn. Thank you. I might drop over on Sunday evening to hear what he says. Fanny. I daresay he'll be in then. Dunn. Oh, I was thinking he'd be out. Well, I'll drop over. Fanny. Will you motor ? Dunn. No, I'll walk— I'll get here then. Well, I'll be going now. I'll put the dog down here. (Puts box down in verandah.) Tell Mr. Claypool, will you ? Fanny. You seem in a nice hurry. Austin enters, down r. Seeing them, he slips into ihe tent. Dunn. Well, you see, the earl is a very 'ot-blooded old gent, and gets a bit outside 'imself if he 'as to wait an hour or two for his lunch. Fanny. But are you his cook ? Dunn. Yes, I'm his chef as well as his chauffeur. Fanny. And you dig the garden and drive the horse as well ? Dunn. Aye, and valet my lord into the bargain. Sometimes I try my hand at paintin', and I 'ave been known to take a turn at the church organ. 46 COMPANY FOR GEORGtf. Fanny. Blowing it ? Dunn. No, playing it. [Sits down on garden seat and plays organ in pantomime.) Chants, 'ims, and in- voluntaries. Fanny. Goodness me ! what a clever man you are ! Dunn. Aye, and not a word, not a 'int from my lord about a pension. It's sickenin' ! [Buries face in hands.) Fanny. Never mind ! There's always the Old Age one to look forward to. Dunn [springing up — dramatically). Don't — don't. 'Ard words, ill usage, I can bear, but kindness gives me a puncture or a stone in the 'ooft Fanny [stifling a laugh) . I do feel for you. Dunn. Well, I'm off. I'll be over on Sunday evening and we can have a nice talk. Fanny. Yes, Sunday about seven. Dunn. Which is the proper way out ? Fanny [indicating exit down r.) There. Dunn. Does that lead by where you drew that glass of beer for me ? Fanny. No — that's this way. [Going towards exit by path l). Dunn [following her — fervently). Oh, ma cherie ! Exeunt, Dunn with arm round Fanny's waist. Enter from tent, Austin. Austin. Oho ! " Ma cherry " ! [Lies down and rolls about, convulsed with laughter.) Enter by path down r., Septimus Spring. Spring. Good gracious ! Good gracious me ! What's the "matter! [Prods Austin with stick.) Hey, boy! Get up, I say ! Austin gets up. (Is R of Austin.) What extraordinary behaviour! Are Mr. and Mrs. Birch about ? Austin (l. of him). I'll tell 'em you're here, sin Exit by verandah. Spring. Most peculiar ! Almost a subject for. a letter. " How Yokels While Away the Time " ! Most peculiar ! Laughing over some joke he heard last year, I presume. [Makes note in book.) Enter Mr. and Mrs. Birch from verandah. Ah ! how do you do ? I thought I'd look in for a moment. I have received some letters which have puzzled me considerably. Curiously enough, I heard by this morn- COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 47 ing's post from your sister, Miss Glengarry, from Sir Ralph Glengarry, and from your mother, Mrs. Birch. May we sit ? Mrs. Birch indicates that he" Can sit on chair above 'tent R ; he turns to get it ; they look at one another in despair and sit on seat side by side. Yes, they all favoured me with their confidence. I was most surprised — most. Mr. and Mrs. Birch on seat, R.and l., Spring in chair. Mrs. B. I suppose they wrote to tell you that we had been obliged to put them off ? Spring. Precisely — precisely ! That was the sub- ject of each letter. But what astonished me were the reasons— the utterly incomprehensible reasons which you apparently gave thtm for being unable to receive them. Mr. B. But, my good sir, I fail to understand you. I told Mrs. Birch's aunt Clara that there was an epidemic of throats in the village, it is true Spring. Throats ! Mrs. B. (turns to him). Throats, George ! Mr. B. (irritably). Didn't I say throats ? Mrs. B. But why ? Who told you ? Mr. B. Claypool. Spring. Who ? What's that ? Mr. B. Mr. Claypool assured me there was an epidemic of throats in the village, so I told Aunt Clara so. Spring. What an imaginative young man ! Well, I can tell you he spoke in error. Never was Bishop's Dale healthier. Only three deaths so far this year; and two of them caused by motor cars. Mr. B. Well, I wonder where Claypool got his*infor- mation ! I'll wire to Aunt Clara and tell her she? can come at once. Spring (leaning forward). But that doesn't account for the other two telegrams. How came those two to be sent ? Mr. B. I've no idea. I wrote our telegrams giving my relatives dates, and asked Claypool to take them to the post office. Spring. Ah ! the thing is obvious. These young Cambridge gentlemen will have their fun. (Impressively. ) Hs altered tLvjse telegrams. Mr. B. Very possibly. Mrs. B. George ! 48 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Spring. There hasn't been a drop of rain for six weeks, and yet you tell Sir Ralph Glengarry that the village is flooded. Mr. B. (rises). Upon my word Spring. And imagine Mrs. Glengarry's feelings- imagine her alarm, her apprehension — when she is curtly informed that "Wee Neste " has been burnt to the ground ! (Mrs. Birch rises, crosses down r.) Mr. B. I — I (Frantic.) Spring. No doubt the poor lady had one of her heart attacks. She will certainly have insomnia for nights Mr. B. (comes back to them). Say no more. I'll kick him out to-day. Spring (turns to Mrs. Birch). You will, of course, Mrs. Birch, write to all of them to-day and explain matters. I certainly shall, as they have been so good as to favour me with their confidence. Mr. B. (testily). But, my good sir, it is entirely our business. Spring (crosses to him). Pardon me. Mine as well, I think. (Taps him on shoulder.) Mine as well. As for your young friend, he deserves a good thrashing. Mr. B. (fiercely). And he shall have it. (Strides towards verandah ; crossing Mrs. Birch.) Mrs. B. George ! Mr. B. Insolent cub ! Mrs. B. How dare you call our guest names ? . . . Besides, fancy you trying to thrash Mr. Claypool. Mr. B. (wildly). This is a nighimare. I am reduced to a cypher in my own house. I have to fetch and carry for a perfect stranger. (Goes down l. ; she follows him ; and back again.) It's monstrous — ridiculous — unspeak- able ! Spring. Before you take any action, there is still another matter to be put before you. (To Mrs. Birch.) Your paragon, my dear lady, I have to tell you, is nothing less than a rogue — a footpad — a highwayman. Mrs. B. Sir — consider what you are saying. Spring. It is true. (Drawing a paper from his pocket.) You have a garden boy called Brown — Austin Brown ? Birch nods. I have here a signed statement by him to the effect that Mr. Claypool put out a stuffed dog in the road, that this dog was run over by my brother, Colonel Spring, and tnat Claypool thereupon demanded and obtained the sum of five pounds as compensation for the supposed killing of the dog by his motor-car. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. w 49 Mr. B. {gasping). Bismarck ! {Backs from them.) Spring {waving paper). I must see Mr. Claypool, and if he cannot refute the charge the matter will be put into the hands of the police. {To Mrs. Birch.) I can hardly congratulate you on the character of your guest, madame. He has been shown up to-day in a light that can only be called lurid — and heaven alone knows of what other crimes he may be guilty. (Mrs. Birch goes down stage smiling ; he takes a step to her.) There was a burglary (Birch comes down r. of Spring) at, Admiral Pollard's the other night Mr. B. My good fellow, you don't think Spring {turns to Birch). And then that poaching affair at Three ways Mrs. B. {goes up to him— back to audience — icily). Don't you think it would be a good idea to make these remarks to Mr. Claypool himself ? {Goes up stage,) Spring {firmly — striking lawn with umbrella). Fetch the fellow ! Mr. B. {moves below Spring and Mrs. Birch, gets to below steps). Right you are ! We'll have it out with him.. (Spring goes down stage r., rubbing his hands with glee.) Enter Fanny from verandah. Fanny. Please, sir, Miss Coobit. Mr. B. Miss Coobit ! {To Mrs. Birch.) Who on earth's this, Gay ? Mrs. B. A very old friend of my mother's. Mr. B. {desperately). Has she come to stay ? Mrs. B. I don't know. (Birch crosses between Mrs. Birch and Spring to tent.) Ask her to come through, Fanny. Exit Fanny. Spring {fussing up to Mrs. Birch). Pardon me, but is your friend Miss Mary P. Coobit, the lady explorer ? Mrs. B. {worried). Yes, yes. {Crosses him to r.) She went across a camel on Arabia, or something — oh ! what am I saying-; {Hands to head.) Spring {crossing to her). It will be a privilege to meet her. I had better postpone my little conversation with Mr. Claypool. . Mrs. B. {turns to him). Yes, I should say it would be as well to do that. Enter, by verandah, Miss Coobit. She is a smart, strongly -built woman of forty odd, dressed in riding c 50 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. costume. Carries whip and square brown bag, and talks f briskly in an American accent.) Miss Coobit {rushing up to Mrs. Birch). Ah, my dear Gay, this is indeed a pleasure. They kiss twice. I am staying at Easthampton, and knowing you were here I said to myself, " I will put a few little necessaries into a bag, and ride right over and see my dear Gay ! " It's only thirty miles away. My mare Duchess made a mouthful of it. {Gesticulates with whip ; hits Spring.) Mrs. B. Thirty miles since breakfast! You are wonderful. Allow me — my husband — Miss Coobit. Mr. Septimus Spring — Miss Coobit. Mr. Birch and Spring bow. Birch waits a little, then goes up stage. Spring {effusively). This is indeed an unique pleasure, Miss Coobit. (Mrs. Birch turns, calls Fanny, who is passing, and talks to her.) To meet in this retired spot a lady of world-wide celebrity — one who has risked her life a thousand times in the pursuit of geographical know- ledge — one who has been, so to speak, frozen in Lapland and' thawed in the Persian Gulf Miss C. {cheerily, gesticulating with whip). Never had a chill or a blister in my life, thank you, sir. I've got a skin no moskeeter could ever tackle without breaking his teeth, and the constitution of a ship's biscuit. {Acci- dentally hits Spring with whip.) Spring {dodging whip). Wonderful; indeed! You go well provided, I presume, with an assortment of clothes and wraps suitable for facing the varying degrees of temperature ? Most interesting. A lady and her trunks in the desert. I see your string of camels Miss C. Don't — you hurt me ! {Hits him.) Trunks ! I see myself. No, sir. All. the impedimenta / burden myself with is this bag. {Opens bag.) I call it my M.I. P. bag — multum in parvo. Toilet, change of linen, spirit lamp, saucepan and kettle, eighteen different kinds of food tabloid, tea, condensed milk, sugar, map of the heavens, compass, sixpenny novels, brandy flask, revolver and knife ! M.I.P. Invaluable to explorers. I'm going to patent it. [Hits Spring, who dodges, away. Miss Coobit crosses below Spring to r. of him, looking round.) Now, Gay, dear girl, just, show me the little attic where I am going to hide my head for a night or two, and then I'll take a walk round this dear little COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 61 English village of yours — where I'd like to end my days (to Spring) if I'm not nibbled up by wolves in Siberia this winter. Spring. I shall be happy to act as your guide, dear madame. We have here the house and tomb of the poet Fitzsparrowe Mrs. B. (comes down to l. of Spring. Birch remains up stage). Yes, come along, dear Miss Coobit ; and you must want something to eat — — Miss C. No, I'll wait till lunch. (Crosses Mrs. Birch to below steps.) And then 1*11 disappoint ycu ! I only eat to keep alive. Spring (gleefully). Ah, a kindred spirit! Myself, my simple meals consist of milk warm from the cow, a plate of grapenuts Miss C. Never overwork the machinery is the secret of a long life, eh, Mr. Spring ? Mrs. B. (taking Miss Coobit's arm). Come along, m y dear. Please don't suggest anything that will pro- lo ng his ! Exeunt by verandah. Birch comes down stage in despair to l. of Spring. Spring. Upon my word, Birch, this promises to be a rare experience — an experience to be treasured. This is one of the most wonderful women alive — an Amazon of modern times — a very encyclopaedia on the peoples of the world Mr. B. But where's she to sleep ? Spring (nonplussed for the moment). Sleep ? Oh, that'll present no difficulties to a woman who has made herself comfortable in a snowdrift. Mr. B. But we haven't got a snowdrift. Spring. At a pinch, I don't suppose she would mind sleeping on the lawn. Mr B. I hardly think we can ask her to do that. But stay ! (Eagerly.) How about the tent ? Spring. But your young Cambridge friend requires it Mr. B. Quite so ! Exactly ! Once get him out of the tent, and he's bound to go ! Eureka ! The very thing ! (Snaps fingers as he goes down stage l.) Spring (down to him). But before he goes, my dear Birch, I have to settle my own little matter with him. It cannot be overlooked, you will admit. Mr. B. No, we must go into that. (Goes down with &2 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. him to r.) Come in early to-morrow and well have everything out with him. Spring (grimly). I'll come early — never fear. He shan't escape me- — he shan.'t escape me f Exit by path down r. Enter by path l. above house, Dr. Horne, carrying a medicine bottle wrapped up in paper. Dr. H. [comes down). I was passing this way, so I thought I'd bring you your tonic. Mr. B. Thanks, aAvfully, but I shan't want it now, old man. I've found another solution to the difficulty. A lady explorer friend of the wife's has just arrived on a short visit, and as there's no room in the house for her, I'm going to offer her the tent. Enter Claypool, up r. Ah ! here's the very man. {To Horne.) Just a minute. Dr. Hdrne: goes up stage, looks off. Mr. Birch advances to Claypool, takes him by the arm, and leads him down. Willie, old man, I'm in a fix. A lady explorer, a friend of my wife's, has arrived, and as there isn't an inch of room in the house, I want to offer her your tent. Clay. Do so by all means. I'll move to the summer- house. Mr. B. (aghast — backs). The summer-house ! (Goes to him.) My good man, it's uninhabitable — spiders, beetles, cockroaches Clay. Don't you worry — a little Keatings will put that right. I can make myself very cosy there. Just a mattress and a blanket or two, and I shall be as snug as a dormouse. {Pulling Birch towards tent.) Come on ! Let's start moving at once. (Goes into tent.) Shouting from tent.) Tell Fanny to get to work on it with her vacuum cleaner ! Enter Mrs. Birch from verandah. Mrs. B. George, dear, I want you. (Motions to him.) Mr. Birch goes to her. George, where can we put her ? Mr. B. That's soon settled. In Claypooi's tent. Mrs. B. In the tent ! A woman ! But Mr. B. Spring says she's slept in snowdrifts. A tent will te like the Savoy after that ! Mrs. B. But where will Mr. Claypool go ? COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 53 Mr. B. [sighing). He says he'll sleep in the summer- house. Mrs. B. That is just like his noble, unselfish nature. Oh, this detestable cottage ! [Crosses on to steps.) I was never so worried in my life. • Next year I'll go to an hotel where there's a lift, and porters, and heaps and heaps of spare rooms ! Exit by verandah. Mr. B. [calling).. Fanny ! Austin ! Come and lend a hand here ! Dr. H. [advancing). Can / be of any use ? Clay, [appearing ai door of tent with bath). I'll trouble y ou to take the bath, doctor. [Hands bath to Dr. Horne, w ho goes out with it, up r.) Here, Birch, lay hold of these t ogs. [Hands him clothes ; exit Birch up r.) Enter Mrs.. Birch and Miss Coorit from verandah. Miss C. Very good of the young man, I must say ! Mrs. B. Mr. Claypooi — Miss Coobit! They bow. Mrs. Birch goes into tent. Miss C. I'm so sorry I shall have to disturb you. Clay. Dear lady, not a word. Walks off up r. with pair of boots. Enter up r., Mr. Birch and Dr. Horne. The former in shirt sleeves. Business. Getting things out of tent. [Enter Fanny and Austin from verandah.) Mrs. B. [comes out of tent carrying something.) Here, you two, take the rest of Mr. Claypool's things down to the summer house. Miss Coobit goes to Mrs. Birch. Exeunt up r. Fanny and Austin with chest of. drawers, hooks on top. Books fall on Austin. Austin goes off with books- • r Mr. B. [seating himself on garden seat). Where's that tonic ? Dr. Horne strips off paper and draws cork. Enter Clayp^ol, up r. Goes into tent. Thanks. You think this [smells) will help me through, eh ? [Drinks.^ Well, it's nasty enough ! I'll go and get a glass. Clay, [looking out). By the way, Fanny, you might get me a jam-pot full of water, will you ? 6* COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Fanny. Yes, sir. {Exit by verandah.) Dr. H. {as they rise). It'll pull you together and help you to right through. Mr. Birch groans. You'll feel like a new man to-morrow. {Goes down l.) Clay, {within tent — throwing out boots, one of which almost hits Mr. Birch.) Work away, old man ! Mr. B. {goes down lawn). Confound his impudence I Clay, {within tent — throwing boots out). "Many hands make light labour." (Birch and Horne dodge boots.) Work away, Birch ;. there's nothing like work ! Enter Fanny from verandah with jam-pot and box. Fanny. The jam-pot, sir. {Hands Claypool jam - fot.) And, Mr. Claypool, sir, there's a little dog here f o r you, sir — sent by Lord Michaelmas. It's in this bcx .. Clay. Take it down to the summer-house, Fanny. (Re-enters tent.) Mr. B. {on steps of verandah — despairingly, to Dr. Horne). And how — how, I ask you, are we to get him out of the summer-house! Clay, {emerging from tent with rose in jam-pot — follow- ing Fanny to exit up r.) And I really think that's aU ! Curtain. ACT III. 'Scene. — Practically the same as in Act II, with altera- tions. On r. of stage, where tent was, is a square, "rustic" summer-house, with door. Show front of summer-house only. The garden is wet and dilapidated, as it would be after a storm. In place of verandah is a cloth showing blackened shell of cottage, which has been burnt down. Debris on stage, at foot of cloth. Back cloth : low wall ; distant view of river in flood. Garden seat to l. of stage, near ruins. R. below summer- house, is garden chair. Exits above and below house, l., and above and b'elow summer-house, r. Mr. and Mrs. Birch are discovered, the latter lying curled up on garden-seat. Mr. Birch is dressed in a gaily- flowered dressing-gown, pyjamas and bedroom slippers ; his face is grimy with smoke. Mrs. Birch in dressing-gown over night-dress. Hair in curling-pins. Wears bedroom slipper and high-heeled dancing shoe, so that she limps when she walks. Time. — About breakfast time. No sun till middle of Act (p. 64). Mr. B. [walks down, crossesMRS, Birch to l.). I can't do a thing more. I'm done up. I'd give a sovereign for a cup of coffee. Mrs. B. And I'd give two for a comfortable bedroom, a, fire and a French maid. (Sneezes.) Mr. B. Most providential the fire didn't break out till it was light. It did allow us to see what we were about. (Sneezes ; goes up l. of seat.) Mrs. B. Can't you make a bonfire or something ? I'm perished with cold. Mr. B. Why, everything's soaking. We must wait till the sun comes out. (Looks towards summer-house.) I've a good mind to wake Claypool up. Whatever happens to anybody else, he's always snug enough. (Crosses over to r. of Mrs. Birch, who sits up and stops him.) Mrs. B. (holds his arm). You shall not disturb him, George ! You know he has been sleeping so badly lately that Dr. Home had to give him a sleeping draught. Mr. B. All right, all right ! (Down r. ; dances.) Mast get warm. (Hums.) Yip-i-addy-i-ay ! A crash is heard off. 56 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Mrs. B. Oh, there's another wall gone ! Poor " Wee Neste " ! Enter Fanny by path up l. She is dressed in a mackin- tosh, buttoned close up under chin ; hair down her back in a plait. Fanny (comfortingly to Mrs. Birch). Miss Mar- jorie's quite all right, ma'am, snugged away warm in bed at Mrs. Halliday's. But there's a dreadful flood in the village Mr. B. Is it still rising ? Fanny. Yes, sir. It's swept away the bridge, and it's got into the church, and it's all over the railway line. People are going about in boats, sir. Mr. Birch goes up stage r. of seat. Mrs. B. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! how dreadful r It's a pity the rain didn't come on a little sooner, (Birch turns ; comes down) then poor " Wee Neste " would have been saved. Enter Austin by path, down r. He is wearing an over - coat of Mr. Birch's which is much 'too big for him . His face is dirty with smoke and mud. Carries baske t over arm. Mr. B. Well, Austin, have you been down to th e paddock ? Austin. Yezzur. Mr. B. How are the chickens ? Austin. All drownded, zur. Mrs. B. (wringing her hands). Oh dear ! Oh dear ! Mr. B. (goes to her — irritably). I do wish you would try and cheer up, Gay. (Crosses her to l.) It's bad enough to be burnt out of one's home without your making these constant laments. Fanny and Austin go up r. above summer-house. Talk and laugh. Mrs. B. (rising viciously). My mother said before I married you that you were a brute ! She warned me against you ! Fancy turning on a woman like this ! Mr. B. Well, upon my soul, my love, surely things are bad enough as they are without your making them worse ! As for your mother, I'm only too glad she's not here. Thanks to your nice gentleman friend, however, she is still at a distance, or no doubt she would be giving me a piece of her mind about my character. I daresay she would accuse me of setting the house on fire in order to burn her in her bed ! (Goes up l.) COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 57 Another crash off. Mrs. B. Oh, you are cruel — cruel— cruel! (To Austin, suddenly.) What are you laughing at ? (To Fanny.) And you ? Can you do nothing but stand and giggle when we are in this plight ? Austin. I wasn't laughin', mum. Mrs. B. Then don't stand looking as if you was. (Austin goes up stage. To Fanny.) Fanny, take a month's notice. Fanny (tossing her head ; coming down r.) I was just about to give you a month, ma'am. Mrs. B. Why, pray ? Fanny (very virtuously, with her nose in the air). Such goings on I never did see ! (Goes down r. a little.) Mrs. B. What do you mean ? Fanny. Oh, everybody in the village has been talking about it. Mrs. Birch sits on seat. Mr. B. (striding up to her). Explain yourself, girl ! Fanny (backs from Mr. Birch). No, sir, I have no grudge against you. You're the long-suffering one. Mrs. B. What ! Mr. B. What do you mean ? Fanny (not looking at them ; looks straight at audience). Oh ! everybody in the village pities you, sir. Mr. B. (pointing). Go indoors, girl ! Fanny. There isn't any indoors to go into ! Austin bursts into a laugh, but recovers himself quickly. Mr. B. (glaring at him). Perhaps you will be good enough to tell me what is amusing you, boy ? Austin. There ain't nothin' amusin' me, zur. Mr. B. Then why did you laugh ? Austin. That was a touch of the 'ooping corf, zur. Mr. B. Well, take something for it. (Austin goes off up r. with basket on arm. To Fanny.) Now, girl, explain yourself. Fanny (sulkily). The village is talking about Mr. Claypool. Mr. B. (below seat; back to audience). That fellow again ! Mrs. B. (rises). George, how dare you ! And before the servants, too ! Really ! (Goes down l.) Mr. B. (bothered ; to Fanny). What are they saying ? Fanny (goes to him a little). Well, sir, folks are talking about the missis buying him things. Mr. B. (passionately). Ah ! this is the last straw. 58 COMPANY FOR GEORGE So it has come to this — a scandal ! (To Mrs. Birch.) Do you hear ? Mrs. B. (very coldly and calmly). Yes, I hear, and do you think I attach any importance to what this girl says ? lam indifferent to such idle and wicked gossip. (Crosses to R.) Claypool appears in doorway of summer-house. He is dressed as usual ; very spic and span. Clay. It's the greasy pole. (Comes between them.) They're jealous, my dear lady. They hear I am going in for that pig, and they can't bear the thought of it. (Exit Fanny up r.) But you seem to have been dis- turbed ! Mr. B. While you have been asleep there's been a storm. " Wee Neste " was struck by lightning ! (Point- ing.) And you see the result ! Clay, (back of seat). I'm awfully sorry ! Fancy my sleeping through it all ! Why didn't you call me ? Mr. B. Why, to tell you the truth, in the hubbub we forgot all about you. We got Marjorie out and went to a neighbour's house. It came down in sheets for a couple of hours, and when we ventured back and found you were all right, we let you sleep on. Clay, (stares at ruins). By Jove ! Fancy my sleep- ing all through it! It was that dose Home gave me. Mrs. Birch, may I offer you the use of the summer-house ? You will find a looking-glass in there, at any rate, and there's whisky and soda and phospherine. Mrs. B. Oh, thank you. (Going into summer-house.) A little phospherine and soda will be just the thing. Exit into summer-house. Clay, (up to door with her — as she goes in). Thanks to your tlioughtfulness, you'll find it equipped with all the comforts of home. (Enter Fanny at.d Austin i,p R. talking. To Mr. Birch.) Birch, whisky and cigar- ettes under the bed, and you can have a bath if you want another so soon. (To Fanny.) Suppose you go and see what you can do for your mistress, Fanny. Exit Fanny into summer-house. Austin goes to up L. (To Mr. Birch.) Where can we get some clothes ? Mr. B. Oh, I don't know. The whole place is flooded. Mrs. Ha! 1 ' - who' looking after Marjorie, ■ Clay. Good! (Goes up to Austin.) Boy, , go and COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 59 ask Mrs. Halliday to lend Mrs. Birch some things. If you have to swim back with them, hold them above your head. Get some for Fanny, too. (Austin looks sulky.) I'll give you a sovereign if you're quick. (Aus- tin doesn't move.) A sovereign if you're quick {going close up to him — threateningly), and a confounded good thrashing if you don't start at once. (Starts him with a kick.) Exit Austin l. As for you, my dear Birch, help yourself to my wardrobe. Mr. B. Right you are — I will when the missis has rigged herself out. Clay, (handing case). Meanwhile, have a cigarette. Mr. Birch takes cigarette. Now tell me all about the fire. (Sits down on seat.) Mr. B. (to l. of seat; profile to audience). Well, it was just getting light when Gay and I were awakened by a loud clap of thunder. There were several flashes of forked lightning, and then came a crash on the roof, followed by a smell of burning. I woke Fanny and told her to wake the others, and then I rushed to. Mar- jorie's room and carried the kid out with the bedclothes round her, and took her round to Mrs. Halliday's, Gay going with me. When I got back Fanny, Miss Coobit and Austin were chucking water on the flames, but they might as well have tried to put Vesuvius out. Poor " Wee Neste " had to go. The house burnt like tinder, .and just when it was too late down came the rain in regular sheets. You can imagine what it was like when I tell you it put the fire out in about half an hour. Clay. And what about the nurse, 'Miss Neale ? Mr. B. Eh ? The nurse ? Clay, [jumping up). The nurse, man ! Miss Neale! That girl Mr. B. Well, upon my word, I forgot all about her. Cl\y. (grasping him by the shoulders). What ! You forgot her ! (Hoarsely.) Think again — think again ! \ou can't have forgotten her. Think, man ! Mr. B. She must have escaped. I saw nothing of her. Clay, (wildly.) Lydia— Lydia (Rushes off down Mr. B. Hi ! Come back, come back ! The place will fall in on you ! Come back, man ; She's all right. . . . (Co . ag it! Hj called her lia." 60 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Mrs. Birch entering front summer-house with hair down. Mrs. B. Stop him, George ! Miss Neale went home late last night. I asked her to. Mr. B. {angrily). That explains it. Why in thunder didn't you tell me ? Mrs. B. (pushing him). Run and tell the poor boy. Hs's frantic. Mr. B. Yes, and why should he be frantic ? (Runs off down l. after Claypool.) Hi ! Claypool — Clay- pool Mrs. B. These men ! Oh, these men ! Fancy George saying he'd forgotten her. (Calling to Fanny.) Come and finish my hair, Fanny. Do it anyhow. (Sits on seat.) Enter Fanny from summer-house with brush and comb. She attends to Mrs. Birch's hair. As if we should have left her in the house ! A crash is heard off. Heard off Mr. Birch calling " Claypool, where are yon ? " There ! A will's fallen down. (Screams.) George — ■ George ! (Struggles to get away from Fanny, who has ■hold of her hair.) Fanny (whimpering). You don't think — 'ma'am — ■ that a wall's fallen on the poor gentleman ? (Wipes her eyes with hairbrush and absentmindsdly holds on to Mrs. Birch's hair.) Mrs. B. (fiercely). Let me go, girl ! Tears herself free and is just running off when enter up l. Dr. Horne and Lydia. Both fully dressed, Dr. Horne in riding clothes, and Lydia in ordinary walking costume.) Dr. Horne. Directly We heard what had happened we came round. Fortunately, the flood hasn't what is the matter, Mrs. Birch ? Lydia (running up to her). What is the matter, dear Mrs. Birch ? You look dreadful ! Mrs. B. My husband — told Mr. Claypool — he — he didn't know where you were Lydia. Where I was ! Mrs. B. Mr. Claypool thought you were left in the house, and has gone to see ... I didn't know you knew him. Dr. H. (goes to dow 'i L.) He must be careful. The place can't be safe. I'll go ard look after him. Fanny exits into summer-hous&. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 61 Mrs. B. George has gone . . . but didn't you hear that crash as you came in ? Lydia (startled). Yes — but that — couldn't be (Moves towards house.) Mrs. B. I don't know, I don't know ! I must see ! Limps rapidly off down l. Dr. H. Lydia, do you know this young man ? Lydia. You introduced us yourself. Dr. H. And you have apparently improved on the acquaintance, when you were supposed to be helping Birch to get rid of him. Lydia (goes r.). I saw him occasionally. Dr. H. (follows her — waving towards house),. With this result — he goes off his head when he thinks something may have happened to you. (Enter Claypool from down l. with Mr. Birch. Sees Lydia — start of relief — goes to her.) Mr. B. (talking). Another half minute and you'd have had the place on top of you. (Angrily.) Isn't it bad enough to be burnt out'of one's home (Sees Lydia.) Ah ! There is Miss Neale ! Now I hope you're satisfied. Enter from up l. Mrs. Birch ; Dr. Horne goes to her. Mrs. B. Oh, there he is ! What a fright you gave us, Mr. Claypool ! \ Clay, (to her). I'm awfully sorry. (To Lydia.) Would you care to see the ruins, Miss Neale ? Dr. Horne conducts Mrs. Birch to \summer-house . She goes in. Lydia (tremulously). Thank you. I — I am glad you didn't do anything silly. I should have been sorry if you had been hurt. Clay, (offering his arm). Oh, that's all right. Let me guide you through the puddles. We shall get the best view from the front, I fancy. Exeunt up l., arm-in-arm. Mr. B. (gloomily — to Dr. Horne). We've had such a time — such a time ! Enter down r. Septimus Spring. He is dressed in sea-boots and oil-skins and wears a sou' -jester. Spring. Good-morning ! This is a sad spectacle.. (To Dr. Horne.) Ah, Dr. Horne, good-morning. There'll be plenty of work for you after this flood,- 62 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. doctor. Typhoid and all that sort of thing. It's an ill wind that blows nobody good — what ! You'll have your hands full ! The accumulations of years — years, sir — will be swept out of the drains by this flood, and Bishop's Dale will be decimated. Mark me, doctor — decimated. Dr. H. {stiffly). You evidently have no high opinion of my skill, sir. (Goes up stage.) Spring (to Mr. Birch). It is really most extraordin- ary that this flood and fire should have taken place, as it was only yesterday that I wrote to your relatives, my dear Birch, assuring them that the village had a per- fectly clean bill of health, was as dry as a bone, and had witnessed no conflagration. Evidently, I spoke too soon. Mr. B. Oh, you wrote to them, did you ? (Irrit- ably.) Upon my word, you are a most interfering fellow. Spring. I meant it for the best. And this reminds me. (Fumbles in his pockets.) A fellow in a boat asked me whether I was coming this way, and when I said I was he desired me to give you these telegrams. Hands telegrams to Birch, who sits on seat. No bad news, I hope. Mr. B. (reading telegram). " Glad no foundation for report. Be with you to-day. Clara." (Scratches his head.) What does this mean ? Spring (goes to R. of him). You may remember I felt it incumbent upon me to reassure your relatives — Mr. B. Yes, it must be you — confound you ! Spring. My good boy Mr. B. (angrily). Don't "good boy" me! (To Horne, who is up l. of him.) I suppose the whole lot are comiig ! (Opens telegrams.) Yes, the worst has happened. They are all coming. (Reads.) " Expect me lunch time. Mater." "Arrive 2.15. Glengarry." (Glaring at Spring.) Your doing ! Spring. I simply informed them that your messages had been tampered with. You yourself admit you gave them dates. Tired of waiting, they have — unfortun- ately, I admit — decided to come on the same day. It is yet possible for you to put them off if you can find some- one with a boat to take your telegrams. Where's that boy ! (Horne looks off, up l.) Mr. B. They've all started. You don't know them as well as I do ! (With finality.) Well, you must put them up. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 63 Spring {turns to him). I ! Mr. Birch. Yes, you ! You're responsible for their coming. You shouldn't meddle. Spring. But I have only a little chalet — a pill- box. Mr. B. Pill-box be hanged ! (To Horne.) He's got the largest house in the village. Spring. I will not be imposed on in this way. I cannot entertain them. I have not sufficient food in the house. Mr. B. (crosses to him — fiercely). Pick some more grape-nuts and give the cow another milking — if she's not drowned. Spring. It is infamous. Mr. B. (with his chin in Spring's face). If you will meddle with matters that don't concern you, you'll have to pay the penalty. You've encouraged my relatives to come, and you'll have to put them up. You profess to be very fond of them — now prove it. How can / take them in ! (Points to house in tragic despair, as he %its down on garden-seat.) Spring (fiercely — holding up umbrella). The person at the bottom of this unforeseen and most unfortunate contretemps is that young rascal — that scamp — that common highway thief you have been harbouring all these weeks. (Shakes umbrella at Mr. Birch.) And now I'll show him up. He shan't escape me. I will expose him and hand him (Birch rises) over to the police, flood or no flood. (Viciously.) Yes, I'll take your rela- tives into my house, but they shall know what sort of a person has been keeping them out of yours all this time, my fine fellow. Mr. B. (down l. — uneasily). Pooh! Ridiculous! What have you got against the man ? Spring (viciously). Got ! Only the written evidence of your own servant, your lad Austin. Mr. B. (in a menacing way). Look here, Spring, you have already put your foot into it once. Owing to your confounded busybodying ways you've brought three of my relatives to a flood-swept village and a burnt-out cottage. Don't do anything else rash. Our boy Austin is a most unreliable character. I've caught him lying and Claypool has caught him stealing. I expect he has a grudge against Claypool. Spring. Bah ! Tut, tut ! I won't be put off. I'll tax the man to his face with this crime, and I'll confront him with my witness. Do you^think I'm going to have 64 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. my own brother robbed ? Where is the fellow ? Fetch him ; fetch the boy, too ! Mr. B. Haven't you any consideration ? How can we hold a court-martial when we're in this plight ? [Throws open dressing-gown, showing pyjamas.) Spring (firmly). Now and here ! You tell me to pick grape-nuts and milk my cow, I tell you to produce your rascal of a guest. (Savagely.) I'll grape-nut him ! Enter Claypool and Lydia, up l. Ah, here is the fellow ! As I have not the doubtful pleasure of his acquaintance, Birch, perhaps you will make us known to each other. Raise lights ; sun comes out. Mr. B. (to Claypool). Er — Claypool — allow me to» introduce you to Mr. Spring. Mr. Spring, this is Mr. Claypool, whom you wish to see. Horne is r. Lydia goes over to him, smiles and: say s something, and they exeunt down r. Spring (bowing coldly). I cannot say, sir, that I am pleased to see you. Clay. (l. of seat, to foot of it). Wait till you know me better. (To Mr. Birch.) Who's the old boy,, d'ye say ? Mr. B. Spring — Mr. Spring. Spring (offering card). Mr. Septimus Spring, sir. Both in front of seat ; Mr. Birch below summer-house. Clay, (reading card). Spring, Septimus Spring. Why, you're the sportsman who wrote to The Times about the ragging at Cambridge, saying we ought all to get six months' hard. • Spring. I had that pleasure. Clay, (sitting down ; Spring stands to l. of seat). And aren't you the beggar that's always trying to prove you're descended from William the Conqueror ? Spring. Julius Caesar Clay. Ah ! I've read some of his novels. Too much description in them. Spring. Pray give me your attention ! Clay. Fire away, Julius ! Spring. Sir, the keynote of my character is " Re- form " ! Clay. I hope it's improving you. Spring (with a gesture of annoyance). Reform ! That COMPANY FOR GEORGfi. 65 is my watchword ! I want educational reform, land reform, housing reform, hygienic reform Clay. Chloroform. r Spring {furiously). You may joke, but the person I propose to reform just now is yourself ! [Drawing himself up and speaking with great dignity.) Sir, I have a brother. Clay. Is he like you ? Spring {suspiciously). He is not unlike me. Clay. How often are you allowed to see him ? Spring. What are you suggesting, sir ? Clay. I want to know whether you go to see him on visiting days, or whether he's allowed out for a little scamper once a month. Spring. Let me tell you, young man, that this kind of wit, however acceptable it may be at the University of Cambridge, is highly distasteful to me. " Visiting day." " Allowed out." Do you imply that my brother is — er — not in his right mind ? Clay. You have hit a cocoanut, and you are en- titled to twelve grapenuts. (Spring strides furiously up l. and back again.) Or a cigar. Take your choice. Mr. B. For goodness' sake, Claypool, let the man say what he wants to. {Sits on chair near down r.) Spring {at l. of seat ; hand grasping umbrella ; atti- tude threatening and judicial). To begin with, I should never have dreamt, I could not have imagined, that a gentleman belonging to Cambridge University would have stooped to the performance of such a deed. It is certainly a matter to be ventilated in the daily press. Clay. If you will tell me what the matter is, I will give you my opinion as to that. Spring. I am coming to it. You have a stuffed dog ; moreover, you use it for most reprehensible purposes^ Takes paper from pocket. Enter Austin, up l., with bundle of clothes. Crosses to summer-house, knocks, hands clothes in. From information received, I gather that you have placed your dog in the road yonder in such a position that motorists could not avoid running over it, where- upon you have demanded compensation from them. And there {pointing to Austin) is my witness ! Mr. B. {rises). Austin, come here ! Austin crosses to them ; stops between Birch and seat. Spring. Now, my lad, I believe you have something 66 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. to tell us about this gentleman ? (Mr. Birch moves about with back to them.) Pray give this matter your best attention, Mr. Birch. Later on I may require a reliable witness. (Birch sits down in chair.) Austin. Mr. Claypool gets the dog, takes it out in the road, puts it down and watches it. Spring. The dog was stuffed, I understand ? Austin. Yezzur. Spring. Very good. Proceed. r Austin. Well, presently there comes along an old gent Clay. Wait a moment, Austin. (Leaning forward.) It's as well to be exact. You say an " old gent." How old was he ? Austin (sulkily). I dunno. Clay, (sits back). Then I am afraid we cannot accept your evidence. Austin. About seventy, I should think. Clay. You only think. Was he (pointing to Spring) as old as this gentleman ? Austin. Not by 'arf. Spring. Really, my good Birch, I must protest against being insulted in this way. (Goes up l.) Mr. B. The boy's giving his evidence to the best of his ability. Go on, Austin. Austin. Well, I reckernizes the gent as Colonel Spring Spring (comes down). Why couldn't you say that at first, absurd fellow ? Austin. I was a-goin* to say it, only I was stopped. Clay. One moment. (To Spring.) Is your brother senior or junior to you, sir ? Spring. He is my senior by five years. Clay, (to Mr. Birch). Then I put it to you, Birch — - can this evidence be admitted ? Spring. Will you let the boy go on, sir ? Clay. He has said that you are half as old again as the gentleman in the car, sir, and now you say your brother is your senior. Which am I to believe ? Mr. B. Go on, Austin. Austin. And the gentleman runs over the dog. Out pops Mr. Claypool Clay, (sitting up). It is my turn to protest. I ask you, Birch, do I ever " pop " ? (Spring down l. and back.) Such a movement is quite foreign to my nature. Spring. Mr. Claypool stepped into the road. Put it that way, boy. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 67 Mr. B. (rises). Wait a bit. Suppose we examine the dog. If it was run over, it will bear the marks. Spring. Good ! Can you lay hands on the dog, boy ? Austin (eagerly). Yezzur. I see its box in the summer-house just this minute. Spring (triumphantly — crosses and pats him on the back). Fetch it, my lad. Austin. Yezzur. (Goes into summer-house.) Spring. Now, Mr. Claypool, we are going to see a direct proof of your guilt. The dog is now to be pro- duced. (Austin comes out with box, which he puts down on stage.) Now, sir, your host shall see what sort of man Austin raises lid of box, puts his hand in, drops lid and gives a loud yell. What's the matter, my lad, what's the matter ! Austin. It's bit me I (Wrings hands.) Mr. B. Bit you ! (Takes a small white live dog out of box, on lead.) Spring. Then the whole thing's a pack of lies. Clay, (taking dog from Mr. Birch, and gazing upwards in a heroic way). " And the sun's still shining in the sky." Spring (aiming a blow at Austin with umbrella). You disgraceful young scoundrel. I'll send you to a reforma- tory. Clay, (interposing — holding dog affectionately). No. Let me speak a word for the lad. He is young. Give him a chance, sir. You owe me an amende honorable for this accusation, and all I ask is your pardon for this erring youth. Austin retiring down r. Spring. Very well, Mr. Claypool, I will overlook the matter this time. (Shaking umbrella at Austin). But, sir, never dare look me in the face again. Austin (going). I don't want to. Clay. Wait, Austin. I promised you a sovereign for getting those clothes. (Hands him coin.) As for what you have said about me, I overlook it. But, mind me — if you make a habit of doing that sort of thing you will get into trouble. Austin slouches off down r. Spring. What magnanimity ! (Holds out hand.) G8 COMPANY FOR GEORGE, — Young man, allow me to apologise for putting you to this trouble. I retract everything. Clay, (shaking hands). Don't mention it, I quite understand. (Puts dog up to Spring.) Kiss the pretty gentleman ! (Exit down R. Sfring indignant.) Mr. B. (to Spring). Hadn't you better be getting those beds of yours aired ? Spring. To be sure — to be sure. I must apologise, my dear Birch, for placing a guest of yours in a disagree- able, not to say false, position Mr. B. Say no more, but get ready for my relatives. Sir Ralph likes barley broth the last thing at night, and Miss Clara a little warm rum and milk — in bed. You'll see to that ? Spring. Yes, yes. I'll remember it. You must for- get all I said to you just now Mr. B. I've forgotten it already. (Spring going down R.) I may as well remind you that my mother in-law likes a bedroom looking south. Enter Horne from up r. Spring (hurriedly) . Oh, I was thinking she wouldn't — Mr. B. And, by the way, Sir Ralph sometimes shouts in his sleep ; you mustn't let it alarm you. Spring. I won't even listen to him. Exit down R. Dr. H. (coming down). Well, Birch, I daresay you'll* like to get into some proper clothes. Let me rig you out. Mr. B. Claypool's placed his wardrobe at my dis- posal, thanks. (Satisfied.) Well, the eviction's com- pleted. He can't stay here any more. And now it's your turn. Dr. H. (startled). My turn ! What do you mean ? Mr. B. Didn't you see how Claypool and your sister looked at one another ? Doctor, you and I have been made the sport of circumstance. Never again will I hatch a plot. This has earned me curtain lectures for the rest of my life. (Sits down on garden-seat and puts head between hands.) You'll find him a pleasant companion. Dr. H. I'll see him shot first. Mr. B. He likes tomatoes, and you'll have to get him the Sportsman every day. And mind there's green- gage jam for breakfast. (With a hard' laugh.) He'll show you how to drive your horses and turn your surgery into a smoking-room. Dr. H. I'm hanged if he shalh COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 69 Mr. B. (rising). It's no use resisting'. He will. Don't wait for him to invite himself, but a?k him. Play the man ! (Smacks Dr. Horne on shoulder.) He's going to be your brother-in-law. He's only been com- pany for me. Dr. H. (furiously). Look here, I've had enough of this tomfoolery. I've done my best to help you, and this is your return. It's not a joking matter at all. I'm down here to earn my living; and so far I've got three old women with rheumatism and a boy with mumps. I can't afford to put a mouse up, and you ask me to house a fellow who has run through your entire stock of whisky and cigars. Enter Spring from down r. Spring. Ahem ! Er — pardon me if I am interrupt- ing you, Birch, but I have an idea. Mr. B. Ah, our hospitable friend again ! Spring. The point is this. My housekeeper has gone for a holiday, and I have only my gardener to help me. He is an excellent gardener, and hopes to win the first prize for cauliflowers at the approaching flower- show, but I fear domestic niceties are beyond him. Either he or I, you see, would have to take Miss Clara Glen- garry her rum-and-milk the last thing at night. Well, now, you will admit the situation would be a delicate one. (Close to him.) We are both single men Mr. B. (laughing). My good man, / can't help you. You've brought these people down here and you must do your best for them. (Unctuously — smacking him on back.) Take the rum-and-milk up together. Three's none, you know. Spring (digging him in ribs with umbrella) . Sprightly wag ! But hear me out. I have a suggestion to make. Could not our friend here (indicates Dr. Horne) manage just for a night or two ? Dr. H. Me ! Please don't suggest such a thing. Spring (in a wheedling tone). They would be de- lighted to find themselves in a doctor's hands. All three are in a most unsatisfactory state of health, and it would be the very thing. I fear my table would be hardly to their liking. They are people who live well, and you will admit that a diet of grape-nuts and milk, all-sufficing as it is for me Dr. H. (fiercely) . You are suggesting that I, a starving practitioner, should kill the fatted calf for people who don't know me, and who don't want to know me, whom I don't know, and don't want to know ■-_ 70 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Enter from summer-house Mrs. Birch. She is charm- ingly attired, and her hair is tastefully dressed. Mrs. B. So fortunate Mrs. Halliday and I are alike in figure. And see how Fanny has done my hair, George. I raised her wages on the spot. Mr. B. You look charming, my love. (To Spring.) My wife will tell you how glad she is to hear you can put her relatives up. It gets us out of a difficulty. Mrs. B. (crossing to Spring). Oh, Mr. Spring, this is indeed sweet of you ! Spring (in a hollow voice). Delighted, I assure you, dear lady, though I fear they will find my modest chalet a little lacking in home comforts. Mr. B. (hustling him off down r.) Never mind that, dear boy. They can't expect too much in a flooded village. You must write to us in town and tell us how you are all •.getting on. By-bye ! * Spring. I am ashamed of you, Birch — ashamed of you ! Exit down r. Mrs. B. What a golden-hearted old gentleman ! Well, that is my three relatives disposed of ; and now, George, what about poor Mr. Claypool ? Mr. B. Why, my dear, you'll be glad to hear that Home has very kindly offered to put him up. Dr. H. (hastily). My good man Mrs. B. Oh, Doctor Home, this is most kind of you ! Really, how everybody seems to be helping us ! Dr. H. My dear Mrs. Birch, I really cannot Mrs. B. (warmly). But I will thank you ! It is most thoughtful of you to make such an offer. I have been bothering my head as to where he could go, and this is a most satisfactory way out of the difficulty. You will find him a most charming companion — ask George ! Mr. B. (ironically). He'll give you the time of your life. Dr. H. The fact is, much as I should like Mrs. B. I know what you're going to say — that you would be only too glad to put George and myself and the rest of our party up. But we won't trouble you ; we are going back to town as soon as we can get a boat to the station. But it is such a comfort to know that we leave Mr. Claypool with friends who understand him and will make him happy. Lays her hand on Dr. Horne's arm and leads him towards exit up l. COMPANY FOR GEORGE. 71 And now, let me tell you a few little things about him. For breakfast he likes fish, if possible, with toast and greengage jam. He makes a light lunch as a rule, but is particularly fond of cucumber salad Exeunt, Mrs. Birch talking. Dr. Horne turns and shakes fist at Birch, up r., watching them. Mr. B. But wait till dinner-time ! That's when you'll wish the whole village had mumps ! {Exit up r.) Enter from down r. Claypool and Lydia. Clay. Lydia, you are worth more to me than all the gold in the world. They sit down on garden-seat, Claypool r., and Lydia l. Lydia. I should hope so indeed ! Clay. When I was at Cambridge, I asked you some- thing. Do you remember what it was ? {Takes her hands.) Do you ? Lydia. You said so many things, and one never knows whether you are in earnest or not. Clay. I swear I was in earnest ! I was never more in earnest in my life. Lydia, you said you would give me an answer if ever we met again. What is it, dear ? Lydia. Are you quite in earnest ? Claypool. Quite ! If you marry anybody else I will wait until you are a. widow, but I swear I will wait for you if I have to wait a hundred years. You do love me, then ? Lydia {saucily). The question is, sir, are you rich ? Clay, {pulling out money). I have four pounds. I got it from a chap who ran over a stuffed dog I put down in the road. I confess all to you. At the time I merely meant to make one motorist pay for what another motorist had done, that is, killed my dog — I meant to make the road pay for what the road had taken — but now I sit here — {tenderly) looking into your sweet, pure, honest face, I feel a blackguard. {Throwing sovereigns separately off down r.) So there they go — one — two — three — four ! Now my hands are clean. All the money in the world I now possess is a Kruger sixpence. {Takes it from his waistcoat pocket and hands to Lydia.) With all my worldly goods I thee endow. Now, will you marry me ? Lydia. As you have been so very frank with me, I will be frank with you. I, too, am penniless. I spent my last ten shillings getting here, and I haven't a penny in the world. 721 COMPANY FOR GEORGE. Clay, (putting his arm round her waist). Perfect! I could not wish it otherwise. We're as poor as when we came into the world (Very tenderly.) Darling, will you give me your heart in exchange for mine ? We \have nothing else to offer one another, and I don't know that anybody could strike a better bargain than that ! They embrace. Enter Spring down r. Spring. Ahem ! Claypool and Lydia 'disengage themselves hurriedly. Clay, (rising). Go away, young Julius ! Spring. I was just forgetting ! There was one other telegram. (To Claypool.) For you, young sir. (Hands Claypool telegram.) Clay. Excuse me, dear. (Opens telegram.) Lydia! Lydia ! I've won the first prize in the Hamburg Lottery ! (Kisses her. She takes telegram from him and scans it delightedly.) ' Congratulate me, darling ! People — people — where are you all ? (Enter Fanny from summer-house, Austin from down r<; Mr. Birch from up r., Mrs. Birch and Dr. Horne from up l.) I've won a ham — I mean first prize in the Hamburg Lottery. (Kisses Mrs. Birch.) I'm rich ! (Turns to- wards Lydia, who is showing Dr. Horne the telegram. Finds Birch in the way and throws him aside.) I'll take a house in Bishop's Dale. You must all come and stay with me ! Birch. A house here ? What for ? Clay. Why, to be still " Company for George," of course. (Takes Lydia's hand. Birch sinks on to garden-seat with gesture of despair.) Curtain to chorus of " I love a Lassie." ESMaSSatJ \ Is. 6d Adventure of Lady Ursula All-of-a-Sudden Peggy An American Citizen Beauty and the Barge Billy's Little Love Affair Brace of Partridges Brixton Burglary Captain Swift Cassilis Engagement Charity that Began at Home Country Mouse Dr. Wake's Patient Du e of Killicrankie Facing the Music Fascinating Mr. Vanderveldt Idler Importance of Being Earnest In Chancery Jedbury Junior [ment Lidy Huntworth's Experi- Lady Windermere's Fan Liberty Hall Lucky Miss Dean Marriage of Kitty Mice and Men Miss Elizabeth's Prisoner Miss Hobbs Mollentrave on Women Mr. Hopkinson net Edition. j Mr. Pre3dy and the CouuteSS | Naked Truth New Boy Niobe Oh ! Susannah . One Summer's Day Parvenu Passport 1 Perfect Lover Peter's Mother Pilkerton's Peerage Private Secretary Return of the Prodigal Rocket Royal Family Second in Command Sir Anthony Snug Little Kingdom Squire Strange Adventures of Miss Brown Sunlight and Shadow Two Mr. Wetherb}^ Walker, London Walls of Jericho When We were Twenty-Ono Wilderness Wisdom of Folly Woodbarrow Farm 2s. 6d. net Library Edition. The Barrier Builder of Bridges "Hse of Rebellious Susan - ■ of Illusion ncing Girl | .scinating Mr. Vanderveldt I .i6 Hypocrites ohn Glayde's Honour / ;oseph Entangled Liars Manoeuvres of Jane Masqueraders Middleman Mollentrave on Women Mrs. Dane's Defence Perfect Lover Silver King Walls of Jericho FRENCH'S ACTING EDITION— 7s. p 2235 2237 2233 2239 2240 2241 2242 2243 2244 2245 2246 2247 2243 2249 2250 VOLUME 150 The Dentist Taken for Granted Just as Well Hogmany Pansy [ments A Doctor's Engage- A Duet My Milliner's Bill, Is. My Aunt from Cali- fornia His Life for Hers The Meeting The Umbrella Duologue The Late Lamented Woman Triumphant Angelina's Lover VOLUME 151 9251 Chrysanthemums 2252 My First Client 22*^ Punctured zbi Old Pals 2255 Honeymoon Tragedy 2256 Commission Iman 2057 Hal, the Highway- 2253 Dinner for Two 2259 Ninth Waltz 2260 Human Sport 2261 Collaborators 2202 Mere Man 2283 Packing Up 2264 Paying Guest 2205 'Enery Brown VOLUME 152 2266 The Jilt "?267 'Op-o'-Me-Thumb 2968 A Marriage Has Been Arranged 2269 Carrots [Sturge 2270 Conversion or JNai. 2271 Clerical Error 2272 Aubrey Closes the 2273 Workbox [Door 2274 Two on a 'Bus 2275 Bridget's Blunders 9276 That Brute Simmons 2277 Well Matched 2278 Maker of Men 2279 Gutter of Time 2280 Game of Chess VOLUME 153 2281 Mr. Steinmann's Corner 22 Q 2 Ella's Apology 22»3 Colour Sergeant 2284 Helpless Couple 2285 First Aid to the Wounded 2286 Correct Thing . 2287 Their New Paying Guest [ment 2288 Domestic Entangls- 2289 Salt of Life 2290 Time is Money 2291 Wally and the Widow [Smiths 2292 Deceitful Miss 2293 Holly Tree Inn 2294 Up-to-date i 95 Bit of Old Chelsea VOLUME 154 2293 Wrong Side of tin- Road 2297 The Open Door 2293 Prima Donna (Pern berton) 2299 Lights Out (Pem- berton) 2300 Mirror of Time 2301 Three Blind Mice (Muskerry) 2302 Privy Council 2303 Snowed up with a Duchess 2304 Acacia Cottage 2305 Fabricate 2306 Compromising Martha 2307 Rest Cure 2308 Misses Primrose s Deception 2300 Ejection of Aunt Lucinda 2310 Uncle Dick's Darling 2311 2312 2313 2314 2315 2316 2317 2313 2319 2320 2321 2322 2323 2324 2325 VOLUME 155 That Horrid Major Bardwell v. Pick- wick [gates House of Nightm- Tuvtle Doves [der Superior Miss Pelten- His Good Genius Martha Plays the Fairy Dumb Cake Proposing by Proxy Phcenix Boatswain's Mate Final Rehears.d Two Aunts at a Time Nelson Touch f Convict on the . Hearth VOLUME 156 2328 Grey Parrot 2327 Ghost of Jerry Bundler 2323 Bishop's Candle- sticks 2329 Peacemaker 2330 Changeling 2331 Wire Entanglement 233° Pride of Regiment 2333 "1588" 2334 Man on the Kerb 2335 O'Dowd 2336 Impertinence of the Creature 2337 Dramatist at Home 2333 Martha the Sooth- sayer. 2339 Old Martha, Is. [Is. 2340 All Through Martha VOLUME 157 2341 Men who Loved Mamie 2342 Fanny and the Ser- vant Troblem 2343 Come Michaelmas 016 102 2792 2345 French as he is spoke 2346 Meringues 2347 Mother of Three 2348 Admiral Peters 2349 Henrietta 235^ Feed the Brute, 1*. 2351 Tilda's New Hat, Is. 2352 We Dine at Seven 2353 Boys' Proposal 2354 Bonnie Dundee 2355 Suffragette VOLUME 153 2356 The Visit 2357 A Well Matched Pair 2358 For Lack of Evi- dence 2359 Little Mrs. Cummin 2360 A Tight Corner 2361 Dear Departed 2352 Pipers Pay 2363 Her Vote 2364 The Electric Man 2365 At the Golden Goose 2366 Her Dearest Friend 2367 Love in a Railway Train 2363 Make Believe 2369 Pick of Oakham 2370 Highwayman VOLUME 159 2371 What Would a Gen- tleman Do ? 2372 An Excellent Receipt 2373 Parents' Progress 2374 Younger Generat ion , U. 9375 Three Blind Mice (Law) 2376 Laughter in Court 2377 Pot Luck 2378 Independent Means, Is. 2379 Duchess of Doherty Court 2380 Wiles of the Widow 2381 The Mobswoman 2332 An Imaginary Aunt 2383 Lady Flora's Name- 2384 What Charity Covers 2385 Patty Packs a Bag VOLUME 160 2386 The Oak Settle 2337 Scaring Off of Teddy Dawson 2383 The First Locust 2389 The Cigarette Maker's Romance,. Is. . 2390 Company for George And Between the Soup and the Savoury.