A Vagabond Couple. PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH F CRANFORD DAMBS. 2 Scenes; 1)^ hours GERTRUDE MASON, M.L>. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 CHEERFUL. COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 1.ESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; I14 hours 6 MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; I14 hours 4 SOCIAL. ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WHITE DOVF OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 SWEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour 8 BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 RAINBOW KIMONA. (35 cents.) 2 Acts; IJ^ hours 9 MERRY OLD MAIDS. (35 cents.) Motion Song 11 PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 15 CENTS EACH APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; SO minutes 3 BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 6 DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 WANTED, A MAHATM A. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes ', NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SLIM JIM AND THE HOOD.Op.J 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 WANTED. A confidential! t:LERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY, l' Act; 1 hour 12 PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mocli Trial; 2 hours.... 28 DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 RIDIXG THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; li^ hours 24 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. A VAGABOND COUPLE A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act By JAMES SWEIMLER Copyright, 1912, by Dick & Fitzgerald NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 ANN STREET t,3^ A VAGABOND COUPLE CHARACTERS Horatio Tomlingson A had Actor Casper Bumbleberger A hungry Tramp Time of Playing. — Twenty minutes. COSTUMES Horatio. — Black suit with well worn trousers short enough to show his white socks. Very high collar and dilapidated necktie. Tall hat. Hair long if possible. Casper. — Brown coat and trousers, light vest, all very hard worn. A small derby hat that just sits on the top of his head. PROPERTIES A table and chair; newspaper; a chart or map; a num- ber of tin cans; two knives. STAGE DIRECTIONS In observing, the actor faces the audience, r. means right; l. left; c. center; r. c, right of center; l. c. left of center. ' . Note. — The songs indicated in the text of this sketch are not essential. Any other songs may be used, and any specialities can be introduced at the convenience of the actors. TMPS6-006822 (f^iP.in .'Ui4 0P> A VAGABOND COUPLE Scene.— A plain interior. Doors r. and l. A table and chair ath. A newspaper on table. Singing is heard off L. entrance. "Beer, beer, glorious beer! Fill yourselves right up to here! Drink a good deal of it. Make a good meal of it, Glorious old lager beer! " * ENTER Casper and Horatio, l. Casper, rubbing '' clrth! Dot vas goot. Dot vas der first glass beer dot I had for fifteen minutes. HoR Yes, but that won't satisfy our hunger. Cas. Yah, dot vas so. But it vas make me feel so '^^ HoR We must have something more substantial than '^S;:r° W^MorUTSfn W eat? Dinner vas pretty %"B"(Cfc«%T Well do I know that. But we shall eat no dinner this day. , Cas. What! We vas not going to eat some dinner! °HoR.^ We have no money, and the landlord will not trust us. (* Music published by T. B. Harms & Francis, 62 West 45th Street, New York. Price, 60 cents.) 4 A Vagabond Couple Cas. I dink so neider. (Aside) He don't got no money! Dot's funny. I shust give him five cents three weeks ago. (Aloud) Where vas dot five cents I give you three weeks ago? HoR. Gone ! Cas. Gone! Unci vere vas it gone to? HoR. With it I bought a book entitled "The Actor's Guide to Fame." Cas. Vas dat good to eat? HoR. No, but it will show us how to become famous. Cas. Is dot so? But we can't eat dot famous. HoR. Oh, you don't understand. Once famous — then rich, and plenty to eat. Cas. (down r.). Oh, dear! Noddings to eat to-day. Und I vas so hungry I could eat a v/hole sausage factory by mine self. Shust think of me sitting mine self down by a table what vas filled mit goot things — sauerkraut und speck, mit a big glass of beer by mine side. HoR. Stop! Don't mention those things; they make my lips tremble, and my stomach quiver. Cas. Well, don't I got a right to imagination I vas eating some dinner! HoR. No, you must not think of dinner if you wish to become an actor. Cas. Den I t'inks I don't want to be no actor. (Goes up c.) HoR. What! Would you turn back now, when we are so near to fame and fortune? Cas. Dot vas alright; but I don't t'ink we vas near anydings to eat. HoR, But we soon shall be. We can't be far from a city where we can get an engagement and become famous. Cas. What for place vas dis where we vas now? HoR. I do not know, but our map will tell. (Takes out lo.rge roll of paper, and opens it) Cas. (going to Horatio). Yah, clot vas so. (Both look over the map) HoR. Here we are. This is the road we came down. Cas. (pointing). Here vas der house vere we got a drink of water und der tog got mashed on my pants. A Vagabond Couple 6 IIoR. {pointing). And here is where we are now. Cas. What vas you call it? HoR. Moonsville. Cas. What? HoR. Moonsville. Cas. {looking around). Moonsville? Where vas der moon? I don't can see any. HoR. No, you can't see the moon by day, you must wait until night. Cas. Oh, I see. We must wait here till to-nighd when der moon vas come oud. Then we vas in Moonsville. Dot vas a long time off, und I vas pretty tired. I dinks I will sit mine self do\vn here und rest. {Goes to sit upon chair as Horatio pulls it away and sits on it) HoR. At last do I find a chair where I can rest my weary bones. Cas. {o7i the floor). What vas you trying to do mit me? Do you want to break my stomach in two? Don't you know it vas weak? {Getting up) I don't t'ink I vill sit mine self down. I vas not tired. I feel shust like a new man {Walks around stage, then sits down upon floor, r.) Oh, dear! {He yawns lies down and sleeps) HoR. This is the first time that we have rested after walking thirty miles, trying everywhere to secure a theat- rical engagement, but without success. When we asked for something to eat, the people drove us away with shot guns. {In a pleading attitude) Oh Caesar! How long must we travel on this way? Must we starve on the road? (Casper sjiores loudly) And never grow famous? (Casper snores still louder) Yes, we will! We must not abandon hope. Booth and {Name some local actor) and all the other stars of our profession were compelled to suffer hardship before they achieved success. We, too, will con- tinue on, and we shall be famous in the end. Yes, on we go. On! On! On! {Falls into chair, his hand rests on the newspaper which is on the table) What is this? {Picks up newspaper) The Moonsville "Bladder." Ah! and what is this I see? {Reads) "Wanted, people to fill the cast of the Fly by Night Dramatic Company. Can this be true? {Rises and goes through comic business of examining the 6 A Vagabond Couple newspaper more closely) Wanted — people — to fill — the — • cast — of the Fly by Night Dramatic Company! It is true! We shall secure an engagement at last! We shall become famous ! Our names will be on everyone's lips ! And when we walk down the street we shall see on the posters, in large letters, these names — Horatio Tomlingson and Casper Bumbleberger, the world's greatest actors! That will be us — Casper and I. (Goes over to Caspek) Casper! He sleeps. (Shakes him) Wake up, here. Cas. (asleep). Yah! Give me some of dot nice pork und beans. HoR. (shaking him). Wake up, here. Cas. (sitting up lazily and yawning). What vas it? HoR. Good news! Good news! Cas. Goot news? I don't want any goot news. It vas no goot to eat. For why don't you leave me asleep? I vas shust dreaming what I vas at a nice banquet. Mine plate vas shust packed mit goot t'ings. Und I vas shust going to eat when you woked me up, HoR. We shall soon have these things in reality, and more besides. We have a chance to get an engagement. We shall be rich and famous. Cas. (rising). Is dot so? HoR. (grasping Casper and pulling him over to the table). Yes, here it is. Listen. (Reads) "Wanted, peo- ple to fill the cast of the Fly by Night Dramatic Com- pany." Cas. (r.). Ach! They want us in a menagerie — you for the ape, und me for the monkey. Dot vill be nice. {Imitates a monkey) HoR. No, you don't understand. They want actors — play-actors — like you and me. Cas. Oh, we vas going to be actors! Und I have such a nice voice. I guess I will sing und get me acquainted mit der business. (Comes down front and sings. Air: "Reuben and Cjoithia."* The words "Yah, I did" only spoken.) (* Music published by T. B. Harms & Francis, 6 West 45th Street, New York. Price, 40 cents.) A Vagabond Couple 7 I met a girl the other night, Yah, I did. Yah, I did. Dot girl's name vas . Und I love her when I seen her, Yah, I did. Yah, I did She took me to a ball one night, Und I fell on the floor when I tried to dance, Yah, I did. Yah, I did, I fell so hard, I broke my suspenders, Und when I got up I lost my (Dances around stage and is about to start on another verse when Horatio stops him) HoR. Here, we don't want any more of that. Cas. You don't vas want any more of dot? HoR. No, we will sing the one that was written for us. Cas. Yah, we will sing the one that vas written ex- pressly for me. HoR. No, not for you, but for both of us. I am the author of it. Cas. Oh, yes; he ordered it for me. (Both begin to sing; Horatio high, Casper low, the chorus of "Sweet Rosie O'Grady.")* Hoji. That won't do; you don't sing high enough. Cas. I vas not high enough? (Gets newspaper and stands on it) Now, let her go — Gallagher. (They sing as before) "Sweet Rosie O' " HoR. Sing as high as I do. Cas. I can't do dot. I vas not so big as you vas. (Places chair upon newspaper and stands on it) Now I vas as high as you. (They sing.) " Sweet Rosie O'Grady." Cas. (falls from chair, then gets up). I dinks I vill sing low. (They sing) (* Music: "Sweet Rosie O'Grady," pubhshed by Jas. W. Stern & Co., 162 West 35th Street, New York. Price, 50 cents.) 8 A Vagabond Couple "Sweet Rosie O'Grady, My dear little Rose, She's my steady lady, Most every one knows — " {A shower of tin cans comes down upon the stage) Cas. See how de people like dot ! They throw bouquets at us. HoR. That means that they don't want any more. They'll kill us if we sing again. Cas. (r.). I guess I don't sing some more. HoR. (l.). V/e must take a stronger part. I will be the hero, and you the villain. Cas. Dot's all right ; vat must I do ! HoR. You call me a coward and liar, and then I'll settle accounts with you. Are you ready? Cas. Yah. Let her go — Gallagher. HoR. {advancing tragically). At last, villain, do I meet with you, face to face? Cas. Yah. You vas ein cow herd und a liar. HoR. How dare you insult me thus? Is it not enough that you have dragged me do^vn, broken up my happy home, stolen my child, estranged my wife — ? Cas. Dot vas all righd. I lofe your wife. HoR. What! You villain! Dare mention my wife! We are now alone, and I shall have my revenge. (Grasps Casper by the throat, and shakes him) I'll kill you! . {Gets kijn on his knees) No, I won't. I will not kill a defenceless man. {Releases him) Wait here until I return. [EXIT, r. Cas. (business of getting up and rubbing his neck). I wonder if dot feller vas crazy. Yah, dot's vot was der matter. He got crazy over his famousness. ENTER Horatio, r., vnth two knives. HoR. Now villain, I will give you a chance to defend yourself. There! {Throws one knife at Casfbr's feet) Cas. {picking up knife slowly). 1 guess I vill have to do it, or get mine self killed. Veil, here goes. Goot-bye Casper. {Shakes hands with himself. Duel business. A Vagabond Couple 9 Horatio finally makes a dash for Casper, who runs around the stage) I guess I don't dinks I vill. (They chase each other around the stage) HoR. Villain! Cas. Liar! (He finally hides behind chair) HoR. (looking around). He has fled. Coward! Cas. (s7ieaking behind Horatio, stabs hi7n in the back). Is dot so? HoR. (falling). You have killed me! Cas. Dot's vat I wanted to do. Dot's all righd. HoR. (raising his head). Tell my wife and family that I died happy. (Head down) Cas. He vas dead. (Raises Horatio's hand) Und der world vas rid of a famousness lunatic. Well, I must get him oud of this. He vas no good here. (Takes hold of Horatio's legs, and drags him across stage) HoR. {raising his head). Stop, you will tear my pants! Cas. (dropping Hon atio's feet). Vas you not dead? HoR. (rising). No! That was only in the play. Cas. Is dot so! HoR. Yes; but the next time you fight, don't be a coward — be brave, like me. Voice, (heard off l., at which both appear frightened). Here, you fellows, when are you going to pay for that beer? If it isn't paid for within two minutes. I'll wipe up the place with you both. Cas. Vat vos clot? HoR. He wants you to pay for the beer. Cas. ■ Dot vas your treat. HoR. No, it was your treat. I won't pay for it. Cas. Neider vill I pay noddings. But I go in dot place und clean out der whole peeziness. (Goes l. HoR. (grabbing him). No, let me go; I'm the biggest. Cas. No; I want to go. HoR. But you shall not. I will go. [EXIT, l. (A great noise is heard off l. Casper watches the door until Horatio comes falling out, in an awful condition — coat and collar half off.) Cas. Vat vas der matter, mine friend? Hor. (gets up after falling). I'm done up! 10 A Vagabond Couple Cas. Wait till I go in there. HoR. {stopping him). Stop! There is a whole crowd of men in there. They will kill vou. Cas. Is dot so? Wait till I come out. [EXIT, l. {Same noise as before. Horatio watches anxiously. Casper reappears at l. door, hat and coat off, sleeves rolled up, arms folded) I vas der bar keep. Come you in, und have a drink. {They both go off l. door as the curtain descends.) QUICK CURTAIN. Vaudeville Sketchei^ _ BERNSTEIN AND FIRESTEIN. IS cents, a vaud.viii, sketch in_ Hebrew dialect for 2 male characters, by James F. Parsons, T;me, abo»:t 15 minutes. Exceedingly funny both in ludicrous topics, Sheeney hits and droll repartee ; concluding with the song "Oh, My I Von't We Make der Mone/ 1" for which th* text and music are given. TWO WANDERING JEWS, is cents, a vaudeville sketch in Hebrew dialect, for 2 male characters, by Harrv E. Shelland. Time, about 15 min- utes. Full of funny and catchy dialogue and repartee, and ending with a song. NEW CHAUFFEUR, The. is cents. A vaudeville automobile skit, for 2 male characters, by Harry E. Shelland. Time, about 15 minutes. A DutcK brewer hires an ignorant Irishman for chauffeur. A terrible catastrophe and a rac^ dialogue in which Pat gets the better of the Dutchman. Just too funny and leading up to dialect minstrelsy. MULDOON AND THE NIGGER ; or, White and Black, is cents. A dialect vaudeville Sketch for two males, by H. E. Shelland. Muldoon, an Irish stage-manager, meets very s\idAen\y Johnsott, a darkey, whom he wished to engage as an actor in a Mephistopheles drama. After a lot of funny characteristic talk, they rehearse Johnson s part. After some ridiculous attempts at highfalutiii' tragedy, partly in very blank verse, Johnson collapses. They close with a song. MA'S NEW BOARDERS, is cents, a farcical sketch in I act, by W. C. Parker. 4 male, 4 female characters. Mrs. Holdtight leaves her boarding., house in her daughter's charge. Fro/. Alto-Gether calls a rehearsal of the village choir, but gives them the wrong address. The choir turn up at Mrs. H.^s and are mistaken for new boarders. Ifhen follows an uproarious series of incidents that end in the Professor s round-up. Cfm be played " straight," or with specialties. Excellent chance for single or double quartette. No scenery required. Time, -^o minutes. PAPA'S BULLDOG, is cents, a farcical sketch in i act, by W. C. Parker, i male, i female character. The hero tries to "coach" his sweetheart ir some private theatricals. Her ignorance exasperates him so completely that a furioua juarrel ensues. Unexpected consequences convince each that the other is crazy, and the fun is brought to a cyclonic climax by the intervention of Papa's bulldog. The piece can be played " straight," or specialties may be introduced. Time, 30 minutes. No scenery required. AFTER THE BALL. is cents. A vaudeville character sketch in i act, by Harry E. Shelland. i male, i female character. Scene, a plain interior. Time, 20 minutes or longer, according to specialties introduced. A briglit dialogue between a youth and girl of the old Bowery pattern, with disjointed remarks and rep- artee while dancing the two-step, and affording opportunity for song and dance or other specialties. POINT OF VIEW, The. is cents. A sprightly comedy sketch, by Bell Elliott Palmer, i male and i female character; time of representation, 20 minutes, in which Elinor Jar dine tries to convince Fred HVnj/cw, to whom she is shortly to be married, that ner conduct in regard to a former rejected suitor, although unconventional, is entirely justifiable. Fred confesses to a similar but pretended pro- ceeding with another young lady. £'//«4 hours 4 4 YE VILLAGE SKEAVL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 .TOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li..^ hours 1 13 OVER THE GARDEN AVALL. (15 cents) H 8 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS COMEDIES AND I 25 CENTS EACH 015 910 030 BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4Acts;2hour8 6 3 BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; SJ^ hours 11 6 COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 3 COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 4 DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 8 6 DELEGATES FROM DEIs"VER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 10 DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 ESCAPED FROM THE LA^V. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 3 GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2]4 hours 5 3 IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; li^ hours 4 6 JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours C 3 .JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Act8;2hour8 '. 7 4 MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 6 MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 13 4 NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 PHYLLIS' S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acts;2hours 5 3 SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts ; 2i^ hours 6 4 STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 5 3 "WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 7 4 WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 3}^ hours '. 4 3 WESTERN PLAYS 25 CENTS EACH ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 11 3 RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2honrs 6 3 MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO, 4 Acts; 2}^ hours . .. 5 8 STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 214 hours. 9 3 DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y,