LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 DDDDSEOSbaE 
 
HITS AND DASHES 
 
 A MEDLEY OF SKETCHES AND SCRAPS, 
 
 ®ottcl)ing |]copte ani Sljings. 
 
 BY "OYMOW.' 
 
 nHILOM PUntlSHED IN DIVERS NEW8-PRINTS OF THg OKX. 
 
 " Will you stay, gentlemen ? 
 A piece of beef and cold capon, that 's all, — 
 You know you're welcome." 
 
 I 
 
 BOSTON : 
 
 PUBLISHED BY REDDING & CO., 
 
 No. 8 State Street. 
 1852. 
 
S6 
 
 ■^H^ 
 
 Enlered according to Act of Congress, in the year 186^, in {}je <.'?('rk=» 
 Office of the District Court of the District of Hiaesachusp^t^. 
 
 / 
 
 /^}/»-'r 
 
 Bazin k. Chaivdlkr, Printers, 
 37 Coruhill, Boston. 
 
 ^ I 
 
% 
 
 APOLOGY 
 
 In compliance with the importunities of many of my friends, 
 and for the purpose of gathering these fugitive pieces togeth- 
 er, I sanction the publishing of this volume. Should it appear, 
 however, by a sudden absorption of this edition, that the work 
 talces, I have another budget in reserve which shall be forthcoming 
 in due season. 
 
 Hoping that all who take the trouble to read this book will find 
 sometliing therein to please them, I subscribe myself the Reader's 
 Humble Servant, 
 
 The Author. 
 
 P. S. Having been *' got up " in haste, several small errors have 
 occurred in this work, which the intelligent reader will. perceive,, 
 pardon and rectify. 
 
 t • 
 
^0- 
 
 • \ 
 
TABLE OF CONTENTS. 
 
 Aunt Brite's Soap Kettle, 
 A Bait, 
 
 - 
 
 - Page 9 
 137 
 
 A Climax, - - - 
 
 - 
 
 139 
 
 A Clean Sweep, 
 A Denouement, 
 
 - 
 
 134 
 37 
 
 An Epistle from Newburyport to the Boston Post, - 
 
 U U (( t( 
 
 83 
 86 
 
 (( U C( 
 
 C( 
 
 106 
 
 a {( u 
 
 (( 
 
 109 
 
 " Byfield, « 
 " South Berwick, 
 
 
 97 
 100 
 
 " Middieton, N. H., 
 
 « 
 
 103 
 
 " North Scituate, 
 
 u 
 
 146 
 
 A Gentle Hint, 
 A Lenient Damsel, 
 
 - 
 
 67 
 131 
 
 A Portrait, 
 
 - 
 
 45 
 
 A Surprise, _ . - 
 A Situation, - - . 
 
 - 
 
 15 
 21 
 
 A Sight, 
 
 A Saturday Evening Sketch, 
 
 A "Sell," 
 
 - 
 
 58 
 59 
 61 
 
 A Slight Mistake, - 
 A Squall, 
 
 ■■♦ ; 
 
 148 
 149 
 
 Cutting it thick. 
 
 
 71 
 
 Cutting it Fat, or the Parson and the Cheeses, - 
 
 73 
 
 Disappointment and Tears, 
 
 - 
 
 113 
 
viii TABLE OF CONTENTS. 
 
 Grand " Hop " at the Ocean House, Black Rochs, - 92 
 
 Interesting Associations, - - - - 27 
 
 Mysterious Twaddle, _ . - - 125 
 
 Parson Milton, - - - - - 75 
 
 Scraps from my Sketch Book, - - - - 52 
 
 Spirit Chiro^raphy, - - - - 122 
 
 Spicing it High and Doing it Brown, - - - 136 
 
 Scraps from my Sketch Book, - - - 140 
 
 « " " . . _ - 144 
 
 The Battle of Quaraphegan, - - - 17 
 
 The Confession, - - - - - 112 
 
 The Consummation, - - - - 114 
 
 The Close of the Year, - - - - 151 
 
 The Gem of Moose Mountain, - - - - 43 
 
 The Siarof Witchtrott, . - - - 46 
 
 The Unsung Doxology, - - - - 41 
 
 The Wrong Document, _ . - , 23 
 
 The Dying Fi-herraan, . _ _ 143 
 
 Uncle Ephraim's Husking, - - - - 28 
 
 Whitewashing Extraordmary, . _ _ 55 
 
 Wine Tasting, - . .- . - 92 
 
HITS AND DASHES: 
 
 OR, 
 
 A MEDLEY OF SKETCHES AND SCRAPS, 
 
 AUNT BRITE'S SOAP KETTLE. 
 
 A LEGEND OF WITCHTROTT. 
 
 '= Double, <3f>iil)le toil and trouble, 
 Fire, burn; and cauldron bubble."— M:icbetli. 
 
 'ITCHTROTT, is the appellation of a small 
 township, lying on the banks of" a roiiiaiitic 
 stream, which empties itself in Quamphegan river, at 
 Berwick, Maine. There is a tradition among them, 
 that many were the old women of the broomstick 
 order, " who l(.\)t the country-side in fear," in days 
 gone by; and many are the tales of their exploits. 
 Aunt Keziah Brite was a good, peaceable neighbor ; 
 one who feared the ministers and deacons, — and 
 feared not Avitches, — drank rum, went lo meeting 
 regularly, could smoke a pipe, and read in the large 
 Bible. She lived in those days when a saint could be 
 distinguished from other people, by their actions, 
 wilhout being oblii^ed to wear a cockade, as they 
 
10 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 inevitably will have to in future, if the age degener- 
 ates as much as it has of late ; but to our story : — 
 Now this good woman would fain make soap, — is 
 almost all economical women are Avont to do. 
 Accordingly she set up her leech-tub, got her ket- 
 tle mended, looked into the minister's almanack, in 
 order to ascertain Avhen the moon would be full, 
 bought a quart of Neiv England^ with the proceeds 
 of three quarts of v» hortleberries — she dealt large- 
 ly in that article, — and Avhen they w^ere about 
 to build the new meeting-house, prayed fervently 
 that the Lord would cause the berries to grow as big 
 as pumpkins, so that she would be the better able to 
 contribute towards building lum a handsome house of 
 worship. All things being ready, she commenced 
 operations. Her composition had been simmering over 
 the lire about an hour, when who should come in, 
 hut old Mog Sudgskins, an old hag as ugly as Na- 
 ture could possibly form her. She heard that Aunt 
 Brite had a supply of rum, and brought a gourd-shell, 
 which she desired the good woman to fill with the 
 Nectar. Aunt Brite loved old Mog as well as his Sa- 
 tanic majesty does holy-water, and instead of comply- 
 ing with her request, she told her to leave the house, 
 as quick as she could conveniently, and never to show 
 her ugly face there again. After giving her this gen- 
 tle hint, that her room w^as better than hqr company, 
 she sat herself down on an inverted half-bushel meas- 
 ure, and went to poking the fire vehemently. But 
 Mog stood in awful majesty in the centre of the floor. 
 
11 
 
 rolled up her tremendous eye-balls, and repeated in a 
 deep sepulchral tone, these lines : 
 
 " 'Tis tru? ray pliiz is somethintr odd ; 
 If you blame me, you blame my God." 
 
 Indignant at being refused the liquor, and having her 
 face called ugly, she was determined to be revenged ; 
 •' May your soap never come ! " she ejaculated, in a 
 liendish whisper. Then, stamping her foot on the 
 iloor, and Avaving her skinny finger in the air three 
 times, she Avent out, and slammed the door after her so 
 hard, that it made the very soap-kettle tremble. . . . 
 The sun had long since buried himself in Quam- 
 phegan river ; the full moon had just showed her hon- 
 est face, which she had a few moments since washed 
 m Tacnic pond, and began to play her wild pranks, 
 by shuiing through the crevices and broken win- 
 dows of the old school-house, casting long, fantastic 
 shadows across the uneven road, " makiHs: niijht hid- 
 eous," and the timid lover, as he was wending his 
 way homeward from a courting expedition, '^ most 
 horribly to shake his disposition," when Aunt Brite 
 tinished the last drop of rum, and leaning her head 
 back against the oven-lid, gave herself up to despair. 
 She had toiled all day, and the contents of her kettle 
 had not been converted into soap. ... " That 
 hour o' night's black arch, the keystone," had now 
 arrived ; the lire, which had long since gone down, 
 began gradually to brighten up, the ingredients in the 
 kettle commenced bubbling, and — 
 
 " Thrice the brindled cat had mew'd, 
 Thrice, and once, the hedge-pig whin'd ; ' 
 
12 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 when a sprite came headlong down the chimney, and 
 after turning a half dozen somersets, sealed himself 
 a-straddle the crane, and holding np the tine of a 
 pitchfork, waved it; over the kettle, whereupon a score 
 of goblins came up from the ash-hole, one after the 
 other, like unto the ghosts in Richard, and seated 
 themselves around the brim of the kettle, in breathless 
 silence, "waiting further orders. Then he waved his 
 broken pitchfork again, and the composition began to 
 separate. A stream of grease ran out into the fire ; 
 another of rosin followed, Avhich blazed up mightily, 
 and gave an imposing effect to the spirits, and their 
 sovereign, who looked down upon them in awful maj- 
 esty. Last, not least, came the ley in a mighty 
 stream, which darted across the room with the veloc- 
 ity of lightning, and wended its way into the bung- 
 hole of a cask of vinegar, which w^as lying in one 
 corner of the room ; the acid and alkali commenced 
 hostilities at once, and being mingled together, both es- 
 caped in a torrent through the aperture, foaming like 
 a soda-fountain, and besprinkling the whole apart- 
 ment. The magic tine was moved once more ; this 
 was a signal for the imps to commence operations 
 and at it they went. One of them who resembled Old 
 Nick, caught up the gridiron, and using the bars for 
 strings, "struck the light guitar''^ for the rest, who 
 " reeled and set, and cross'd and cleek it." The 
 pigs, who probably Avere descendents of those we read 
 of in the good book, were let out of the pen by some 
 unseen hand, and joined in the mazy dance ; two 
 
13 
 
 Tom-cats came in for their share in the sport. The 
 wooden trenchers danced a hornpipe on the dressers ; 
 the old-fashioaed clock which had always heretofore 
 behaved with the utmost propriety, now struck nine 
 hundred and ninety-nine times. Chairs and tables flew 
 about like mad, — the windows rattled like a dice-box, — 
 doors opened and shot alternately, — the house was in 
 an uproar. It seemed as if Beelzebub's dragoons had 
 been let loose, and had made this house their ren- 
 dezvous. The sport had now arrived at its height; 
 all the performers were busily engaged, when, of 
 a sudden, Adonijah Clabberpin's red-tailed rooster 
 screamed his morning hymn, and the leader of this 
 devilish squad, like — 
 
 '•■ Some old snoker, seated by the fire, 
 
 Who takes his last whifF ere the flame expire," 
 
 seized the tin horn which hung up beside the door, 
 and " blew a blast so loud and dread," as made the 
 house shake to the very foundation ; v/hereupon the 
 spirits flew back and roosted on the edge of the kettle, 
 as before. Their captain then took the two Tom-cats, 
 that had just finished a Spanish dance, and hitched 
 them to the bale with a skein of yarn which hung in 
 the fire-place; that being done, he jumped into the 
 kettle, when up the chimney '' the hellish gobhns 
 salhed." The pigs then went back to their places, — 
 the clock went on regularly, — chairs and tables went 
 back to their places, — the trenchers sat upright, as all 
 good behaved dishes should ; and all was silent as the 
 grave. Next morning Aunt Brile found her kettle in 
 
14 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 the cow-yartl, but so bruised and mis-shapen that she 
 could never use it again. The old lady has never 
 since attempted to make soap Avithout first sending 
 Mog a pint of rum, nailing a horse shoe over the fire- 
 place, and hanging another on the crane. Now this 
 is the truth of the story ; but some of the neighbors, 
 Avho are no better than they should be, — evil-minded 
 and malicious, not having the fear of witches before 
 their eyes, have hinted that — whist! softly! — this 
 good woman got drunk ! and fell asleep, when some 
 roguish boys went in and threw a pound of gunpow- 
 der under the kettle, among the embers, which sent 
 the kettle where the old lady found it. It savored 
 very strong of gunpowder, but she said it smelt more 
 like brimstone ; and as the two articles smell very 
 much alike, I have as much reason to believe her story 
 as theirs. 
 
 Old Mog lies buried in one corner of Witchtrott 
 grave-yard ; a plain slate stone marks her place of 
 rest, on which is chiselled, by some rude hand, this 
 beautiful couplet, written l)y the village schoolmaster, 
 and serves both for her epitaph and elegy : 
 
 " Hore lies Old Mog-iry, let her rest, 
 For she to Witchtrott was a i)est." 
 
 She has been buried about thirty years, and has not 
 risen yet, and it is not very proballe she ever will rise 
 until the archangel winds the last trump. 
 
A SURPRISE. 15 
 
 A SURPRISE. 
 
 ^ERHAPS no class of beings are capable of en- 
 joying a frolic like the negroes. They go in for 
 fiddling and dancing with a perfect looseness ; and 
 their whole soul is bound up in a tamborine. When 
 I was a youngster it did my very soul good to see the 
 dark inhabitants of modern Guinea put in the ''shuffle 
 rigadoon," at the house of the she-pnblican of Guinea. 
 'Lection day then, jvas 'lection day, and " nothin' 
 else." But what a falling off now. Well may the 
 darkies exclaim, " O, temporal O, mores I " 'Twas 
 next to impossible to get any work out of the sombre 
 sons and daughters of Africa, for a week previous or 
 a week after the auspicious day. 
 
 Some forty years since, in the good town of New- 
 buryport, lived one PhiUis, a dingy damsel, but a 
 good, faithful, and honest servant. Her mistress had 
 no occasion to find fault with her from January to 
 December, except a week or two prior to 'lection — 
 then it seemed as if the very deuce was in Phillis, for 
 she would dance, sing, and caper like mad, in antici- 
 pation of the eventful day. To remedy this evil, her 
 mistress concluded to keep her in the dark till the very 
 day arrived, for unless Phillis was told the month she 
 never Avould be the wiser, as she " took no note of 
 time," save by observations on nature and things. 
 
 Spring had advanced. Phillis heard the dulcet 
 
16 HITS AND DASHES, 
 
 notes of the feathered songsters. "O, missus, missus, 
 'lection's coming." " Not so soon, PhilHs," returned 
 her mistress, " but when it comes you shall know." 
 
 The trees had began to blossom. " Now, missy, 
 'lection's pretty near, sartin." " Not quite yet," said 
 the matron. 
 
 At length the glorious day arrived. Phillis's mis- 
 tress thought it best to let her get breakfast and clear 
 away the things, then she would give her some coin, 
 let her dress herself up in her holiday attire, and send 
 her off to the head quarters — Guinea. Already had 
 the sons and daughters of Africa assembled toafether. 
 The flag was waving in triumph from the chimney- 
 top of Dorothy's hotel. Tin-kettles and jugs were 
 passing to and fro from the stores where the " balm of 
 hfe " Avas wont to be sold, to the huts of Guinea. 
 But Phillis wot not of it, for her whereabouts was out 
 of the sound of the revelry. But just as our heroine had 
 put down the steak to broil, a colored minstrel, dressed 
 in gay attire, stopped in front of the house in which 
 Phillis was domiciled, and struck up a soul-inspiring 
 break-down. The effect was electrical ! Phillis 
 dropped the fork — thrcAv the salt into the fire — trod 
 on the butter-plate — and made one bound for the 
 door, — then screamed to the "top of her bent," "O, 
 missus, missus, gor amighty, missus, 'lection has come, 
 sure nuf I '^ 
 
 ' Twas vain to urge her to break her fast, much less 
 to prepare the meal for the family. She could hardly 
 be prevailed upon to change her dress ; but her toilet 
 
THE BATTLE OF QUAMPllEGAN. 17 
 
 was soon arranged, and quicker than a bullet from a 
 gun she took a bee-line for Guinea, — there to revel to 
 her heart's content, — there to eat 'lection cake, drink 
 egg-nogg, and 
 
 " Dance all night till broad day-light, 
 And drink gin-sling in the morning." 
 
 THE BATTLE OF QUAMPHEGAN. 
 
 ^OW it came to pass in the one thousand eight 
 
 «i hundred and thirty-eighth year of the Christian 
 era. 
 
 That Abimelech was chosen commander over the 
 soldiers of "Old Fields," which in the vernacular 
 tongue is called Berwick. 
 
 Now Abimelech was young, he had not yet been to 
 the barber's to have the superfluous down removed 
 from his face, — yet, moreover, he began to assume the 
 appearance and display the vigor of manhood. 
 
 The sons of " Old Fields," Witchtrott, and Tacnic, 
 saw hini and trembled ; the very parson uttered his 
 voice and raised his hands at his approach. 
 
 He wentest forth for the safety of the people, and 
 when the people saw him they cried aloud ^^ith one 
 voice, " Our country is safe ! " 
 
 ^ And it came to pass on the twenty- fourth day of 
 the ninth month of the eighteen hundred and thirty- 
 
18 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 ninth year of the Christian era, and the sixty-third 
 year of our national independence, that the several 
 companies of Quamphegan and Tacnic, and round 
 about the margin of Quamphegan river, assembled 
 together at the training field which lieth in Quam- 
 phegan, 
 
 To show themselves with their equipments to the 
 general officers and the smiling daughters of Quam- 
 phegan and Witchtrott and Sligo. 
 
 As soo|^ as the several companies were all as- 
 sembled, the officers chosen for that purpose delivered 
 unto each man his rations, consisting of two flat cakes, 
 in 'the vernacular called gingerbread, and filled their 
 canteens with hard cider, which being interpreted 
 signifieth fermented juice of the apple. 
 
 Now of Abimelech's company, twenty strong men 
 bore muskets, and ten bore pitchforks and rails, and 
 all these were mighty men of valor. 
 
 Moreover, there were assembled two other compa- 
 nies from the towns round about Quamphegan, and 
 Abimelech found favor in their eyes. 
 
 Now it came to pass at eventide, when the several 
 companies were dismissed, that the Quamphegans and 
 the Tearshirtites and the Bonnie-Bigites, having drank 
 deep of the hard cider, waxed quarrelsome, and were 
 rife for a fight. 
 
 Therefore they commenced battle by throwing the 
 remnants of their dinners, and the viands which were 
 vended from the tables round about the field, at one 
 another. 
 
THE BATTLE OF QUAMPHEGAN. 19 
 
 And Abimelech was struck upon the head with a 
 bean-pot ; moreover, his face, which was but a few 
 moments before covered with glory, was now be- 
 smeared with a " yellow trembler," which in the 
 native language signifies an Indian pudding. 
 
 ]Now Abimelech's second officer, even the lieuten- 
 ant, was struck upon the unmentionables, with a 
 ■ pumpkin pie, even upon the seat thereof. 
 
 Then Abimelech's wrath was k.ndled, his ire Avas 
 up: "Ye men of 'Old Fields,' Tacnic, and Witch- 
 trott ! will ye stand this, and see your leaders covered 
 with pudding, pumpkin pie, and dishonor 
 
 " Arise, I say unto you, avenge my wrongs, and I 
 will mak(j you mighty.men, even like unto myself." 
 
 After they had spoken these words, they all arose of 
 one accord, and ''let in" upon their enemies. 
 
 And the air was filled with fragments of ginger- 
 bread, pies, cakes, brick-bats, and many other things 
 which are not written in the history of this battle ; and 
 the baked beans were strewed around in abundance. 
 
 And the battle waxed hotter and hotter, inasmuch 
 as the soldiers loaded their muskets, and fired upon 
 one another, albeit they left out the bullets of lead. 
 
 Nevertheless their enemies were not dismayed, and 
 brick-bats, and clubs, and stones, were thrown with 
 much violence amid the fire and smoke. 
 
 IIow the battle Avould have ended, nobody could 
 have told, had not a part of the strong men of Witch- 
 trott laid in ambush, and attacked the Quanipheganers 
 • in the rear. 
 
20 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Now the Quampheganers wist not that there was 
 any one laid in ambush against ihein. 
 
 So whilst they were rushing upon the enemy, the 
 men who Avere in ambush rushed upon them and 
 defeated them. 
 
 Then the Quampheganers took to their heels for 
 home ; and they left behind them great spoils, which 
 the "Old Fieldites," and Witchtrotters, and Tacnicers 
 claimed. 
 
 And of the spoils, more than twenty baskets fall of 
 pies, and cakes, and " yellow tremblers," were carried 
 into "Old Fields," Tacnic,and Witchtrott, in triumph. 
 
 Now there was great rejoicing in "Old Fields," 
 and Tacnic, and Witchtrott ; . 
 
 And they lighted dipped candles, and sticked them 
 into turnip and potatoe candlesticks, and illuminated 
 their dwellings therewith. 
 
 And the hearts of the people were made glad by 
 divers and sundry libations of blackstrap ; and fiddling 
 and dancing were in abundance. 
 
 But the Quampheganers were sorrowful and of 
 heavy heart, for her proud sons were humbled, her 
 bright escutcheon tarnished, and her brilliant deeds 
 outshone. 
 
A SITUATION. 21 
 
 A SITUATION. 
 
 Kf IHERE must always be a first time to everything 
 TO) under the blessed sun. I have often thought of 
 the heart-beatings attendant upon the first appearance 
 of the actor, the clergyman, and the barrister. But 
 compared with the experience I am about to relate, 
 theirs is " nothing to the show." 
 
 The winter I was fifteen, and full of blue veins, I 
 made a visit to a country town. One day the good 
 lady of the house where I sojourned, took a notion of 
 visiting her parents at a neighboring village, and in- 
 vited me to go with her to drive. 'Twas excellent 
 sleighing, and being a pretty good Jehu, I '' put her 
 over the road" in good style and time. There was 
 a buxom, bouncing lassie where we stopped — a rela- 
 tive of the lady that came with me — who by her invi- 
 tation agreed to return with us. I brought the team 
 up to the door in ^ood shape, Avaited upon the ladies 
 into the " cutter," then jumped in myself, and stand- 
 ing in the middle of the sleigh, gave a flourish with 
 the whip. We were off in a twinkling, at nearly 2.40 
 speed. Did n't I feel grand ? 
 
 " Why don't you sit down ? " exclaimed the good 
 woman to me, .after we had got well under way. 
 'Twas the last thing I thought of. Sit down, for- 
 sooth ! — and where ? thousrht I. " I had rather 
 
 o 
 
 stand," replied I, modestly. " But you had better 
 
22 « HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 sit," urged the damsel. I looked around, colored a 
 little, and still declined. I heard a whispering some- 
 lhino[ about beinsj bashful. A trifle more crimson 
 came over my countenance, but I still drove on. I 
 was just getting my natural color again, and was feel- 
 ing pretty comfortable, when, of a sudden, I felt the 
 arms of the damsel encircling my waist, and in a mo- 
 ment I was draAvn plump into her lap ! '' There," 
 exclaimed the mischievous witch, " sit here upon my 
 knees — I wont't hrtrt you." 
 
 Every drop of blood within me, methought, then 
 rushecl into my face ; I would have given the world 
 to be free, but 'twas of no avail ; the maiden held me 
 fast — 
 
 " That desperate grasp my frame might feel, 
 Through bars of brass and triple steel 1 " 
 
 The veins of my face were now swelled '• almost to 
 bursting ; " never did martyr suflfer more intensely. 
 The spirited horse needed not the " braid," but he got 
 it, I reckon. On, on w^e flew, with "telegraphic" 
 speed ; the sparks of fire flew in showers thick and 
 fast from the shoes of the '^ cutter," as we occasion- 
 ally shd over a piece of bare ground. 
 
 " Now do thy utmost, speedy Meg 1 " 
 
 muttered I, mentally, as I gave the " critter " the last 
 ^' hck," and in a few moments we were at our jour- 
 ney's end, and I was out of my misery. 
 P. S. I'm not taken that way now ' 
 
THE WRONG DOCUMENT. 23 
 
 THE WRONG DOCUMENT. 
 
 gOME years since, a celebrated representative to 
 ^^ Congress, from Essex county, who resided in 
 Newburyport, promised a neighbor, who followed the 
 honorable calling of truckman, that he would send 
 him one of his speeches. Lebanon, for that was the 
 truckman's sobriquet^ was amazingly elated at the idea 
 of receiving a document from Congress. He heralded 
 it forth to all his cronies. Expectation was clear up ; 
 all were impatient to see the " concern," though some 
 pretended to doubt his getting it. Among the doubt- 
 ful was a grocer, who annoyed our hero often as he 
 met him, on his assurance of expecting documents 
 from Congress. One bright morning, Lebanon awoke 
 from his dreams, told his wife he felt sure the package 
 would come that day, for he felt it — he felt it in his 
 head — he felt it in his bones — he felt it all over I 
 He went about his business, however, but many w^ere 
 the mistakes he made that day. At length, in coming 
 up State street, he espied the mail stage ! it never 
 seemed to roll so swift, so majestic, before ! On, on 
 it thundered — the wheels rattled sweet music to his 
 ravished ears — every spoke and felloe seemed alive ! 
 He clapped his hands with joy, and exclaimed — 
 
 " Fly swift around, ye shining wheels, 
 And bring that speech this way." 
 
 The mail was soon landed at the post office. After 
 
24 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 waiting awhile, with breathless anxiety, the long- 
 wished-for package was put into Lebanon's brawney 
 hands. 
 
 See the mother when she clasps for the first time 
 her first child I See the urchin when he comes in 
 possession of his first top I Then you '11 see our hero 
 with his document. He ran — he flew — 
 
 *' Up State street — down Inn street, 
 By Tom Bircher's cellar I " 
 
 and brought up all standing, for the first halt, at the 
 grocer's. 
 
 " T-h-e-r-e I There! " exclaimed Lebanon, almost 
 out of breath; ''there is the document — signed, 
 sealed and delivered ; — now I guess you believe it. 
 But just please put it in your desk for a few moments 
 while I put my horse up ; I '11 be back directly for it." 
 
 The grocer took the treasure, and Lebanon van- 
 ished. Soon as our hero's back was turned, a strange 
 freak entered the grocer-man's noddle, who, by the 
 way, was a bit of a wag. He removed the wrapper 
 carefully, took out the document, and substituted a 
 copy of McDowall's Journal in its stead. He had 
 scarcely finished when Lebanon returned, took the 
 package, and made for home ; told his wife to light a 
 fire in the parlor, and he would go and invite his 
 friends to spend the evening with him, and hear the 
 speech read. As soon as the tea things were cleared 
 away, Lebanon and his better-half repaired to the 
 parlor, to await the gathering. After the company 
 were all assembled, Lebanon took out the document. 
 
THK WRONG DOCUMENT. 25 
 
 and after clearing his throat, he snuffed the candle, 
 and commenced reading, thus : 
 
 ''It is computed that there are no less than three 
 hundred houses of questionable reputation in this city, 
 and—" 
 
 " That is n't Mr. Cashing's speech," exclaimed the 
 good wife. 
 
 " Silence !" ejaculated our hero, and went on . 
 
 " And from three to four thousand females who do 
 not walk strictly in the paths of virtue. With these 
 startling facts before us, who among the virtuous and 
 upright, that certainly must shudder at these facts, but 
 will lay hold and lend a helping hand to this great — " 
 
 "Well, if that's Mr, Cushing's speech, I don't 
 want to hear any more of it," again spoke out the 
 good woman, who then took up a book and com- 
 menced reading to herself. 
 
 " Don't interrupt me again," said our hero, and 
 then went on; but the more he read, the more he was 
 bewildered; — at last, by the more sober judgment of 
 his friends — and he himself began to Ijok about a little 
 — he came to the conclusion that he had bteu hoaxed, 
 and, as nobody but the grocer had had the package, 
 he was the transgressor. 
 
 After making his company pronise to wait his 
 return, he Avent to the stable, took out his horse, 
 mounted him in a twinkling, and armed with a big 
 cart-whip, started for the grocery, without saddle 
 op- bridle, guiding his animal by the haher. When 
 he arrived, the shop was closed for the night. Noth- 
 3 
 
26 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 ing daunted, he repaired to the delinquent's domicil. 
 Rap — rap — thump — bang I went the haft of the whip 
 against the door, which soon brought out the grocer. 
 With fire in eye and whip in hand, our hero demanded 
 the document. The grocer owned up, and asked him 
 if it was'nt a good joke. 
 
 *' We '11 talk about that in the morning I " thun- 
 dered forth Lebanon, — " but I must have the document 
 to-night." 
 
 It was at the store — he could have it in the morn- 
 ing ; but nothing else would answer for Lebanon, but 
 he must go for it then. At length the Simon-pure 
 was in the possession of our hero ; he galloped back 
 to his friends, who were still waiting his return. The 
 speech was read, and relished hugely by his admiring 
 audience, and McDowall's Journal was committed to 
 the flames. Next morning a bundle of the best tea 
 and a nice loaf of sugar from the grocer's healed the 
 breach between him and Lebanon. 
 
INTKRESriNG ASSOCIATIONS. 27 
 
 INTERESTING ASSOCIATIONS. 
 
 O W much the charm of some localities consists 
 in their associations I On the borders ot Maine 
 and New Hampshire, hes some of the finest scenery 
 in the world. It was always my deHght to journey 
 through that region. Chancing at a friend's house at 
 Lebanon, Maine, some years since, the conversation 
 turned on the scenery in that county, — when the 
 daughter of mine host, a pretty little unsophisticated 
 girl of sixteen, broke in upon us with the inquiry, 
 addressed to me, " Have you seen Sanford Corner, 
 sir?" I confessed I had not. "Then,"' added she, 
 "let me tell you that it is just the loveliest spot in all 
 creation. I never saw such beautiful scenery. I 
 never enjoyed myself half so well at any other place. 
 O, I could live there forever ! " 
 
 A short time afterwards, on a journey to the White 
 Mountains, I noticed a guide-board at the fork of a 
 road, bearing the soul-stirring intelligence that we 
 were but four miles to Sanford Corner ! As good 
 luck would have it, our coach Avas going that very 
 road. Now, quoth I to myself, I'm bound to see the 
 ** lovi.'liest spot in all creation I" The sluggish coach 
 was too 5;li)w for my imagination. Already liad my 
 fancy pictured rural scenes, forest-trees, purling 
 streams meand^'ring through picturesque banks, silver 
 
'SB HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 cascades, and — but ere I had got half through with 
 my landscape, we were set down at Sanford Corner. 
 
 I looked eagerly about me for the proftf of what I 
 had heard, but in vain. Alas ! it was all barren — a 
 very ordinary place, and void of any one feature of the 
 rural or picturesque. Of course I felt disappointed. 
 
 A short time afterwards I was again in the domicil 
 of my old friend at Lebanon. So, my httle maid, 
 said I to the damsel who had colored up the " cor- 
 ner," I have seen what you were pleased to term the 
 *' loveliest spot in all creation," but I must confess 
 I could see no beauty in the making up of the place ; 
 how comes it you should be so delighted with so bar- 
 ren a spot ? But ere the girl could speak for herself, 
 her little sister unravelLd the mystery, — " Sophia'' s 
 beau lives there ! " 
 
 UNCLE EPHRABPS HUSKING. 
 
 LARGE stack of Indian Maize — dead ripe — 
 stood in the middle of Uncle Ephraim Hus- 
 sey's threshing floor, at Lebanon, ready to be husked 
 out. Bobby had started off, bright and early, upon 
 the six-year-old colt, to give out invitations for the 
 husking frolic, to come off that evening. Uncle 
 Ephe had gone to the " Falls" with the old nag and 
 wagon, to get some *' sugar and things;" besides, 
 
29 
 
 to have the rundlet filled at Deacon Pratt's, with 
 " o-be-joyful I " For who in " nater " would think 
 of getting up a husking — if they were" temperance" 
 
 — without these " fixings ? " Thankful and Mercy, 
 his two daughters, were up to their elbows in baking 
 
 — and his good uife was as busy as a bee, overlooking 
 operations, and putting things to rights. 
 
 Bobby had just returned. " Well, gals," said he, 
 ^' I'vegi'n out ail your invites, besides a few more on 
 my own hook. I've axed Sake Midget, Nance 
 Downer and her feller, Bets Muzzey, Polly Widgen, 
 the two Pressy gals, Phebe Mullen and her sister, 
 wiih her filler, and the gal from Milton, that's 
 visiting there ; — ■ two or three more I can't stop to 
 think on, besides the fellers, — Tom Tracy, Bill 
 Diggory, Isaiah Corson, Joel Pillsbury, and a hull lot 
 more of the chaps that live down by tlie ])lains ; and 
 last, not least, Charley Stevens is coming, sure ; and I 
 forgot to say, Amos Bunker says he will come with 
 his fiddle !" 
 
 Evening came, and the company begnn to assem- 
 ble. They seated themselves around the pile of corn, 
 and commenced operations. Not much said at first, 
 for they saw there was v/ork to be done ; and, bcvsides, 
 ihey had not got warm yet, as Uncle Ephraim ob- 
 served ; but, one of the youngsters getting a red ear 
 it " opened the ball." lie was, of course, according 
 to the rules of all huskings, entitled to a kiss all 
 round ; and at it he went, — commencing at the girl 
 next him, and following it up until he came to 
 
30 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 her from Milton, ^vho vowed and declared she 
 wouldn't be kissed, that night — she knew; bat the 
 obs^tinate maiden was obliged to surrender, — for, after 
 scratel]ini2: the vouth on his nose, and bilins: his hand, 
 she came off finally with such a shower of hearty 
 smacks from him, that her cheeks were fairly blistered 
 — which operated as a warning to all refractory dam- 
 sels, should any others chance to be there. 
 
 Things now went on '• slick as ile," as Uncle Ephe 
 said, — no trouble among the girls when a red ear 
 was announced ; on the contrary, they seemed to 
 relish it hugely; and the Alilton girl had not, now, the 
 least objection to be saluted, provided they did it upon 
 her lips — for she declared her cheeks felt very sore! 
 Quite a heap of the golden grain was now husked 
 out, and thi^ jolly proprietor thought it about time to 
 tap the good stult. A bucket of black-strap was 
 quickly fixed uj) and handed round tn the " men- 
 folks," — and mugs of sweetened cider to the women ; 
 fun and frolic tlien commenced in good earnest. 
 
 Charley Stevens was called up for a ttory, which 
 he did up in hi« inimilable style, setting the whole cir- 
 cle in a roar Tom Tracy and his girl were next up- 
 roariously called f )r, to do up a song tog< ther, and 
 they tuned their voices right mcMrily to the ballad 
 of" Two Unfortunate Lovyers,'' pouriii r forth the 
 rich melody, in shrill nasal tones, " long drawn out,'' 
 accompanied by Amos Bunker's Violin. 
 
 Ujjcle Ephraim was next on the docket ; ho must tell 
 bis famous Witch Story ; so after a brimful tin dipper 
 
UNCLE EPHRAIm's HUSKING. 31 
 
 of the precious liquid from the bucket, — not the " old 
 oaken," — he hemmed, took out his quid of tobacco, 
 and thus began : — 
 
 THE WITCH OF LEBANON PLAINS. 
 
 ** I han't a doubt but some on ye here will dispute 
 this 'ere story, but I tell you, 'tis true as preaching, 
 nevertheless. You see, about twenty years ago, we 
 had a witch about this neigliborhood, that is, I called 
 her a witch and most of the neighbors did, although 
 some wouldn't admit it ; but I only wish the doubtful 
 ones could have gone through what I did, one night. 
 I guess as how they would have come to the conclu- 
 sion, that the old sarpent, or some evil speret or other, 
 was round about these premises ! 
 
 This old hag — they called her Aunt Spudgins — 
 called at our house one day, and wanted her snuffbox 
 filled with yaller snuff; we had filled it for her two or 
 three times, for notliing, and this time I told her she 
 had better go and buy it herself, as we couldn't affbrd 
 to find her in snuff for nothing, always. Such a look 
 as she gin me, then, no mortal man never seed, I'll be 
 bound ; then, muttering something between her teeth, 
 she started off in a huff. We thought no more on't 
 at that time, so nothing more was said, than that we 
 were glad to get rid of the old critter. 
 
 The next day, I had to go to Dover with my team 
 to haul a load of wood dowi.- , and bring a load of no- 
 tions up, for Mr. Cowell our trader at the " corner," 
 then. Wal, you all on ye know that speret, them 
 
32 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 days, was a staple article ; a man couldn't keep store 
 without it ; and many is the good pious deacon, wha 
 has made a snug little fortin by dealin in the article ; 
 but never mind that, it is nothing to do with my story 
 now ; all I wanted to say about the spirit was that it 
 was part of my load home that night. 
 
 I got my load all on, and after a good hearty swig 
 of old W. I. at the store where I got my notions, I 
 started off, — the storekeeper, as was his custom, pre- 
 senting me with a pint bottle of the " stuff" to last me 
 home. 
 
 I had been eating salt-fish and crackers at the store 
 for a lunch, just before I started, and by the time I 
 got to the " Falls," wasn't I dry ? I look a swig 
 from the "pistol," and jogged on, happy as a clam, 
 but my thirst wasn't quinched a bit ; I took another, 
 and another, but my throat was dry as a lime kiln, or 
 as a country minister's sermons ! 
 
 By the time I had got to the edge of the plains, 
 every drop was gone from the " pistol," and yet my 
 burning thirst was not quenched. I didn't dare to 
 drink cold water, for it always gin me the gripes ; but 
 drink something I must, and as the speret didn't taste 
 bad, I seemed to have a I'ancy for that. I happened 
 to have a gimlet in the little box on front of the carl, 
 so I stopped the team, and soon made a hole in the 
 top of a cask of the ''stuff," into which I inserted a 
 straw, and putting my lips to it, commenced opera- 
 tions ; I thought at the time, of the words of the old 
 soaker, " if my mother had given such suck as this, I 
 never Avould have been weaned ! " 
 
UNCLE EPHRAIM S HUSKING. 
 
 3S 
 
 How long I was at the spiggot, I can't tell; the 
 first I knowed, I had a bit stuck into my mouth, and 
 the bridle buckled on to my head, quicker than a 
 flash, by the old hag to whom I refused the snuff, and 
 who seemed to drop upon me as if from the clouds. 
 
 " I'll teach ye better than to treat me ill again I '* 
 exclaimed the old beldame, as she seized the bridle, 
 and snatching up my goad-stick, she sprang u))on my 
 shoulder, standing on her feet, then giv-ng me two or 
 three smart pricks in my side, started me off on a 
 clean run. 
 
 Away we went, she pricking and goading me on. 
 I never ran so fast before, — it seemed as if I could 
 never stop. On, onward we sped, over Pine Hill, 
 past Blackberry Hill mecling-house, down through 
 Witchtrolt, and as the varses in my old school book, 
 says : — 
 
 " Wild as the wind o'er meadows we flew ! " 
 
 round back of old York, then, — smack we brought 
 up all standing, as the sailors say, right agin the east 
 side of Agamenticus! 
 
 Whew ! Didn't I puff and blow some ! I had 
 scarce time to get my breath comfortably, before 
 the old hag, who had stuck to my shoulders all this 
 while, turned me about, and giving me three or four 
 smart goads under my ribs, sent me agoin' the same 
 epeed back the road we came. 
 
 We soon arrived at the place from which we start- 
 ed, where my cattle stood waiting. The old hag then 
 Stripped off the bridle, and taking a handful of snufF 
 
34 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 from her pocket — the real yaller — she threw it in my 
 face, and in an instant was off, flying in the direction 
 of her hovel, astride a birch broom ! 
 
 I then crawled on, sneezing, to my load, as best I 
 could, but so overcome by the journey I had per- 
 formeil, was unable to drive my team ; so 1 laid my 
 head upon a keg on my load, and soon fell asleep. 
 
 'Twas broad daylight when I awoke, sneezing. 1 
 had taken a snufF keg for a pillow ; a few grains had 
 been forced through the cracks, on the journey, which 
 tickled my nose and aroused me. I started the team 
 along, but I could hardly stand or walk, — the terri- 
 ble siege I had been through ihat night, had used me 
 up ; I felt like one who had been pelted, pounded and 
 parboiled I 'Twas a good month before I got fairly 
 over it. 
 
 There, neighbors, you have the story as it is ; but 
 my wife and the unbelievers, will tell you, perhaps, 
 that the hull upshot of the affair is, I got fuddled, and 
 when I went asleep on my team, dreamed all this ere; 
 but I tell ye that my story is gospel truth." 
 
 The old codger had just finished his tale, when sup- 
 per was announced, and all the company then made 
 one grand rush for the kitchen, where they found the 
 tables loaded with good cheer. 
 
 They had just got comfortably seated, however, 
 when it w^as ascertained that Isaiah Corson and the 
 Mill on girl were among the missing. A delegation of 
 three with a lantern were sent in search of the absen- 
 tees. After a few moments' search, the little minx 
 
UNCLE EPIIRAIM'S HUSKING. 35 
 
 who was so loth to be kissed at the first of the evening, 
 was found, fast asleep, behind a pile of husks, in Isaiah 
 Corson's lap, who looked as silly as a fool when they 
 came upon him ; and didn't the girl color up as soon 
 as she opened her eyes ? 
 
 The two lovers refused at first to go in at supper, 
 but after some coaxing, they made their appearance ; 
 and in a short time, the two lardy ones were as blithe 
 as the rest. 
 
 As to the supper ; if any one went home hungry 
 that night, it was their own fault, — for the tables seemed 
 to groan under their load. None o[ your city or town 
 mushroom, mock gentility there. None of the dis- 
 gusting, cold formalities of a sickly, sentimental, weak, 
 wishy-washy village, meagre, mock-aristocratic soiree ! 
 I'd rather have a dry crust for my su))per, and eat it 
 alor.e, on a winter's night, upon Agamenticus' shaggy 
 top, than to attend one of these hollow, vain and pom- 
 paus levees, where there is more sentiment than beef, 
 and more politeness than pudding ! 
 
 Uncle Ephraim's tables showed a goodly array of 
 the solids that night. A gigantic round of beef in the 
 centre, flanked up on either side \x'\\\\ vegetables. A. 
 bouncing junk of corned-beef at one end, and a big 
 ehicken-pie at the other. An Indian pudding of am- 
 ple dimensions stood forth between the middle and end 
 dishes, and a giant pot of beans loomed up on the 
 other side , whilst pumpkin pies, apple sauce, and a 
 host of other " fixings," filled up the spaces. Last, not 
 least, good cider was there in abundance ! 
 
36 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 *' Lay hold, and help yourselves, gals ; make a long 
 arm," said the good wife, " and let the men folks take 
 keer of themselves. If any on ye likes turnips squat 
 and buttered, squat and butter 'em 1o suit your- 
 selves." 
 
 The guests seemed to do ample justice to the vi- 
 ands; mirth and festivity reigned around the board; 
 jokes, witticisms and flashes of fun, would occasion- 
 ally " set the table in a roar." Ail appeared deter- 
 mined to enjoy themselves at the " top of their 
 bent." 
 
 As soon as supper was over, all the girls lent a 
 hand, and the table was cleared away in a jiffy. 
 Blindman's buff was then hitroduced ; the company 
 now was uproarous I 
 
 Dancinsc was the next consideration. Amos Banker 
 screwed up his viol, rosined the bow, and "did up" the 
 toe and heel inspiring notes of Flasher's Hornpipe ; 
 whilst a number of the j)arty who were somewhat skilled 
 in tlie Terpsichorean art, put in the " double shuffle 
 rigadoon.^' Preseiuly the lookers-on caught the 
 enthusiasm, and the whole company, old and young, 
 adepts and novices, took the floor, and did their ut- 
 most : 
 
 *' 'Tv.'as rio-ht and left, and down oiilside, six round and back to back ; 
 Harum-scarnm, hcller-skflter, bu.np together, whack ! " 
 
 And thus Uncle Ephraim's husking kept up, till the 
 old clock, which stood in one corner of ;he kitchen, 
 
A DENOUiMENT. 37 
 
 beat out the dozen, then broke up this jolly gather- 
 
 And fair lips breathed forth prayers that night 
 Whose hearts were with the merry tlirong ; 
 And dreams stole o'er the sleeping wight, 
 Of bright eyes, red ears, dance and song ! " 
 
 A BENOUMENT. 
 
 5WIGHT had spread its ebon wings over the quiet 
 ^^y^ settlement of Newburyport. 
 
 A son of Festus, whose chief calling was that of a 
 victualler, had washed his dishes, stew-pans, and other 
 cuUnary utensils, and stowed them away for the night. 
 Then, after a hearty swig at the cider tap, and a whifF 
 or two at a Dutch pipe, he took up the " brisk, awak- 
 ing," and began to pour forth his soul in its " sweet, 
 entrancing notes." 
 
 '' Old Hundred," '' Zip Coon," " Arnheim," " Down- 
 fall of Paris," and divers other famihar airs, both old 
 and new, had he gone through with, much to his 
 satisfaction, and Avas now deeply engaged with " Near 
 the lake where grew the willow," when a brace of 
 precious scamps, who had no music in their souls, 
 and who were moved only to mischief by the " con- 
 cord of sweet sounds," chanced to prowl along 
 that way. Reeking from the tavern, " tilled with 
 
38 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 whiskey, and with gin inspired," which set mischief 
 awork in their wicked nocidles, they looked about 
 them to see if any one was near ; then seizing a 
 mighty grindstone which chanced to set against a 
 neighboring store, they rolled it to the edge of the 
 upper step of the cellar where our hero was pouring 
 forth his rich melody. Just as he was doing the finest 
 low notes of " Long time ago," in " lengthened svveet- 
 ness, long drawn out," not dreaming of any auditor, 
 save his old Tabby, who sat by him on an old stool, 
 purring satisfaction — lo ! the gigantic stone came 
 tnmbhng down, making sad havoc in its path among 
 the " fixins '^ of the estabhshment, and bringing up 
 against the board partition with such a mighty, rat- 
 thng crashing sound, as if it would 
 
 " Mock the deep-mouthed thunder ! '' 
 
 To draw our hero's portrait, at this crisis, is beyond 
 the power of my pen. Suffice to say, he threw his 
 viol high against the ceiling — then, v/ith bow in hand, 
 stood " wonder-struck I "... , 
 
 His smashed instrument is even now hanging up in 
 a remote corner of his cellar, and many a customer is 
 regaled with the history of its mishap — some of whom 
 laugh, while others, more used to the melting mood^ 
 sympathize with the unfortunate owner, and swear 'tis 
 pitiful ! 
 
 Had I my way with the miscreants who did the 
 mischief, they should share the fate of Sysiphus. For 
 I'd chain the rascals naki'd to the s^^lf-sanie stone, and 
 when they had draggedit to the top of the steps, it 
 
A DENOUEMENT, 
 
 39 
 
 should be rolled back — so their daily labor should be 
 in raising that Scotia disc from the chasm into which 
 they had rolled it ! 
 
 4 SECOND, BUT NOT SO VERY SOBER A 
 THOUGHT. 
 
 ^ CERTAIN gentleman of a certain village lost 
 ^^fe his wife by death : he mourned mnch at her de- 
 mise, as all good husbands are in duty bound to. 
 Not having any relative near, one of his neighbors — 
 a jolly good fellow — walked with the widower to the 
 grave. After the ceremonies were gone through with, 
 and the procession was returning homeward, the kind 
 neighbor sympathized with the bereaved husband, and 
 told him he muot not give way too much to grief, for 
 it would break him down, — and he hoped to see him 
 cheer up and be happy again, as tears would not re- 
 gain his loss, and were of no aval!. " Alas I " sobbed 
 out the mourner, " earth has no longer any- happiness 
 for poor me. What is life ? what is this whole world 
 to a man who has lost such a w;fe ? " 
 
 " You have ever done your Avhole duty towards 
 her," said )he other, — treated her kindly and indul- 
 gently. Your wife can neve; come bac c to you, mourn 
 you never so much ; so all you iiave to do is to seek 
 out another to cheer your way along the rough paths 
 
40 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 of life. There is the kmd, amiable and pretty little 
 buxom widow Cosey, — she would make your home 
 happy, — I know you would like her, and I am quite 
 sure she would be willing." *' My dear friend," re- 
 plied the wifeless man — his eyes full of tears — *' do 
 not, I beseech you, speak of such a thing — my loss is 
 irreparable." 
 
 The mourner invited all his friends who attended 
 the funeral to sup with him that night, according to 
 the usual custom of the place on such occasions. As 
 the party was retiring, the widower urged his neighbor 
 to stay with him till bed-time, as he felt so very lonely. 
 A bottle of choice wine was brought out, which the 
 two friends discussed — then another was broached 
 and finished. Finally, the neighbor arose and took 
 his departure. He had not proceeded many yards 
 when the man of grief and bereavement hailed him to 
 come back, as he had a word to say to him. Then, 
 placing his lips to his friend's ear, he whispered — 
 " Neighbor, I think noiu that I could bear to hear that 
 lady's name mentioned ! " 
 
THE UNSUNG DOXOLOGY. 41 
 
 THE UNSUNG DOXOLOGY. 
 
 N item from a religious paper tells us that the 
 ?^ Presbyterians of a certain town not a thousand 
 miles from Exeter, N. H., have voted that the Unita- 
 rians are Christians. Good ! — there's one more*hitch 
 towards the milleneum. But if the truth was told, 
 these people could not well do otherwise, for they had 
 been listening to liberal doctrines a long time without 
 knowing it. " I'll tell the tale as it was told to me," not 
 vouching for the strict truth thereof. Several years 
 since, the Orthodox Society in that certain town was 
 without a pastor ; a letter from one of the most influ- 
 ential leaders, i. e., the richest man of the church, was 
 received by a Unitarian clergyman of a far distant 
 town or city, inviting him to come and settle among 
 them, and preach the gospel unto them. But, wrote 
 the astonished Socinian, my creed differs essentially 
 from that of yours. " Nit importe,^^ returned the liberal 
 prop of Presbyterianism, " draw it mild — keep it to 
 yourself that you are a Unitarian — and I'll warrant 
 you." 
 
 In a short time the preliminaries were arranged, 
 and the Socinian was duly ordained over the Presby- 
 terians. He v/as a gentleman and a scholar, — kind 
 and affable ; his sermons were richly laden with the 
 unbounded love of God to man^ and " done up " in 
 that quiet and yet flowery style, as none but those of 
 4 
 
4i HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 his brotherhood can do. He took. His praise went 
 abroad throughout the laud. He was invited hither 
 and thiiher to pour out his rich ofi'erings to the hungry 
 souls, who, till then, never knew that there was a lux- 
 ury in religion. And — 
 
 "Leading them prisoners in a red-rose chain,'' 
 
 his flock were of the most liberal belief before they 
 were aware of it. 
 
 But, like unto the elderly rat in the fable, who 
 thought that the ivhole heap was not meal, when gri- 
 malkin lay in ambush within the meal-tub — one old 
 preacher-man residing in a neighboring town — and 
 of the ancient school of Presbyterianism — Simon 
 Pure — dyed in the wool — thought he would ex- 
 change with the new comer, and give the liberals the 
 doctrine of divinity, as he understood it — "in good 
 set terms." And he did it. Shades of John Calvin 
 and Martin Luther ! How the old champion scat- 
 tered the fire-brands! — now here — now there — 
 sending 
 
 " One to heaven and ten to hell ! " 
 
 As he grew bolder and bolder, the audience began to 
 show symptoms of uneasiness, — two women fainted 
 outright — and one nervous young lady went into hys- 
 terics ; but, nothing daunted, the old apostle " put it 
 through." At times 'twas unbearable, — then would 
 some of the men, not having the fear of such dogmas 
 before their eyes, set to shuffling with their feet — 
 cough and hem, all to signify their disapproval. At 
 
THK GEM OF MOOSE MOUNTAIN. 43 
 
 length and at last the long looked and wished for, and 
 most welcome amen Avas pronounced, — and the 
 staunch old pillar of Orthodoxy, to wind up his per- 
 formance with a round turn, opened '' Dr. Watts," 
 and read one of the old Trinitarian doxologios. The 
 audience stood up, but all was hush and still. Not a 
 sound from the choir. The parson arose and remark- 
 ed that he had read a stanza, and was awaiting its 
 singing. Thereupon the organist got up and ad- 
 dressed the preacher thus: — " Parson W., let me tell 
 you that this new organ of ours has never been tuned 
 to those doxoiogies I " 
 
 THE OEM OF MOOSE MOUNTAIN. 
 
 pOLLOWING along from crag to cliff', in order 
 to catch a new view of the magnificent scene 
 spread out below me, as I trod the summit of Moose 
 Mountain, N. H., my eye caught a glimpse of a fe- 
 male figure, at a liiile distance, Avho seemed to be 
 busy in gaihcrjng berries, in which this eminence 
 aboundeth. As I approached nearer, I saw that she 
 was of no ordinary mould : — 
 
 " Tippr as candles laid at Cuthbert's shrine, 
 Tap'r :i3 Silver chalices for wine, — 
 Suoh were h(?r arms and form ! " 
 
44 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 " Good morrow, damsel," I said, as I stood before 
 her ; with a w^inning nod, and one of the sweetest 
 smiles she acknowledged the salutation. Juno ! what 
 a set of features ! Psyche ! what an expression ! 
 Her whole soul illumined that heavenly face, — 
 
 " That eye, Love's arrows darting round, — 
 That cheek now blushing at the wound ! '' 
 
 " What success in gathering berries to-day ? " I 
 queried of the fair stranger. 
 
 She turned her steps towards a shady nook and 
 beckoned me to follow. She looked like a fairy — a 
 mountain nymph — as indeed she was, as she tripped 
 along — 
 
 Her p-olden hair 
 
 Floating and dancing in the mountain air ! '' 
 
 Anon the breeze would disturb her 'kerchief — and 
 such a neck ! By the pure and immaculate crescent 
 of Diana ! a flake of new fallen snow would have tar- 
 nished it ! I stood rivetted — 
 
 " With heart all rapture, and with eye all light ! " 
 
 as the maiden drew forth from the bushes a goodly 
 sized willow basket, and removing the nice white 
 towel which covered the luscious berries, she looked 
 up in my face, then with a smile that would outvie an 
 angel's, she exclaimed — " aint there a darned slue on 
 
A PORTRAIT. 45 
 
 A PORTRAIT. 
 
 3" MET the queen of snufT-takers in the street ycs- 
 ^> terclavj and wished very much that every begin- 
 ner in that filthy habit could have seen her likewise. 
 She was the very embodiment, the very quintessence 
 ofsnufF! A walking snuff-bladder I She looked as 
 if she had been snuffing, snuffing, and snuffing, till 
 every vein in her dried-up carcass was fall to reple- 
 tion. Yes, every pore in her shrivelled skin was 
 loaded, crammed, rammed, jammed with the dirty 
 powder, till it could hold no more ! Then, at ihe ex- 
 treme point of her sharp pointed nose hung, trem- 
 blingly, a drop ! — not a dew drop, but such a drop ! 
 The strength and substance of more that ten pounds 
 avoirdupois, of Macaboy, was concentrated in that 
 dreadful drop ! The odor thereof impregnated the 
 air of the whole neighborhood round about her, so that 
 two dozen men, women and children fell to sneezing 
 thereat ! Yea, verily, the very cats and dogs caught 
 the tilillation — one old towser lost two teeth and one 
 eye during the operation, besides getting a kink out 
 of his tail ; and two tabbies sneezed off both their 
 ears! — That drop! I verily believe, would tincture 
 the whole waters of Massachusetts Bav ! 
 
46 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 
 
 " Near the pond so still and lazy, 
 Long time ago — 
 
 On the banks where grew the daisy- 
 Whiter than snow, 
 
 Lived a bouncing, buxom lassie, 
 Vat vas n't so slow I " 
 
 HE sun was about putting on his night-cap. in 
 the shape of a purple cloud, which hung over 
 the purple hills of Lebanon ; Simeon Hartford had 
 just shut down the mill-gate, — Samuel Wentworlh was 
 shutting up shop, — Peleg Jenkins had gone after the 
 oows, — the weathercock on old Somersworth " meetin' 
 •us" was glowing wuh an extra lustre, — and Tacnic 
 Pond was all of a blaze ! In plain English, 'twas 
 sunset, or thereabouts, when Ezekiel Tugglesworth 
 came home from ploughing, — put some water down 
 to the fire in a skillet, for shaving, — and called his 
 mother to get him his best shirt. 
 
 " Where upon airth be you goin' to-night, Zeke ? 
 Hope you aint goin down to Witch irott, to see that 
 flirt of a Suke Huldrith, be ye ? " exclaimed Ezek's 
 mother. 
 
 " Not exactly," said Ezek., with a knowing wink, 
 strapping his razor on the corners of " Alonzo and 
 Melissa," ever and anon drawing the edge carefully 
 across his thumb nail. 
 
THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 47 
 
 '' 'Tis'nt Sal Hull nor Bets Lumraus, nither, is't ? " 
 again enquired the old lady. 
 
 " P'r'aps 'tis, p'r'aps 'tisn't; " answered Ezek, who 
 had just began to lather his countenance. 
 
 " Wal, you need'nt be so putchkity about it;" re- 
 turned the old lady, — all is, you needn't go down to 
 Witchtrott arter gals, there's enough on 'em here in 
 Quamphegan, and a plaguey sight better ones, too, 
 than you'll find in Witchtrott, unless you could get 
 Bets Lummus ; but you know that Zeph Parkins, the 
 trader, is arter her ; and Abednigo MuUikin, the 
 school master, is e'ena'most ravin' distracted for her; 
 so I reckon there ben't much of a chance for you." 
 
 " Zeph Parkins be darned — and let Abednigo Mul- 
 likin go to grass ; I know which side my bread is but- 
 tered on, I reckon." 
 
 This last speech of Ezekiel's ended the conversa- 
 tion ; — T he had removed the superfluous down from 
 off his chin, — and taking his ruffle-shirt, goes into 
 -the East room, there to change his drapery, and put 
 on his " lixins." 
 
 Miss Betsey Lummus was as smart, tidy, and 
 in fact, the handsomest girl, that sung psalms, or 
 wore a chintz frock, in Witchtrott " meetin' 'us." 
 And such a hand at making dough-nuts and pump- 
 kin pies ! I shall not weary your patience by a 
 tedious detail of her charms, — I'll leave that task for 
 some love-sick romance scribbler ; he may paint her, 
 as saith the immortal Sterne, " as like his mistress as 
 he can, — as unlike his wife as his conscience will let 
 
^ HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 him." She was the belle of the village ; and as is 
 natural to such girls, was rather coquetish. But what- 
 ever conquests she made, whatever hearts she broke, — 
 her heart ^^ as as true to Ezekiel Tuggles worth, as was 
 Elder Boyd to the Calvanistic creed. Ezokiei had 
 now got on his " go-to-meetin' fixins ; "" — his kersey- 
 grey coat, mulberry trowsers. lavender vest, fur 
 hat — one of David Hammonds best, and his black- 
 balled boots, made him look hke quite a man, — 
 while a bran new breast pin made him appear a httle 
 more than a common man, to say the least. He 
 looked beautiful ! By this time, the silver queen of 
 night had began to squint over the eastern side of 
 Agamenticus, lighting up the windows of Hope Na- 
 son's domicil, — and Ezek. took a peep in the looking- 
 glass to see that all was right ; then took up his line 
 of march for Witchtrott. When he arrived at the 
 house cf his dulcinea, who should he find there, but 
 Zeph Perkins, and Abednigo MuUikin. Betsey's mo- 
 ther was telling her that she should not flirt any long- 
 er ; that if she married any one, it should be the 
 school-master ; while her father swore she should have 
 the store-keeper. 
 
 *' And as to you," said the old lady, who had just 
 observed Ezek. sidling up to Betsey, " you may go 
 home as fast as you come." 
 
 *' Yes, and sooner the quicker ^^'^ added the old man, 
 *' 'twont be you that'll have my darter, I can tell you 
 now." 
 
 " May be not," leturned Ezek. " Wal, I guess as 
 
THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 49 
 
 how I mought as well be goin', if that ere's the case,'^ 
 continued Ezek, giving a sly wink at Betsey, and then 
 made for the door. Betsey followed with the candle 
 to light him out. As soon as they reached the outer 
 threshold, Ezek. whispered something in her ear. 
 <' All right," said Betsey, '' I'll be ready." 
 
 " 'Twas the deep noon of night," when Ezekiel 
 tackled the " Cobbey raare " into the " von horse shay," 
 — told his mother he must be at Kennebunk next morn- 
 ing at daylight, on business, — and then started for his 
 Betsey. 
 
 The moon was in its zenith, and looked as round 
 and bright as Temperance Wilkins's new warming- 
 pan ! Its ray silvered the antique rooster on '' Old- 
 field's meetin' 'us," and caused Col. Brock's chimney 
 top to glisten like his well burnished sword on muster 
 day, — as Ezek. jogged on in the Witchtrott road, sing- 
 ing to himself the following parody : — - 
 
 " How happy is the folkses, 
 Wot hve on Tacnic hill ; 
 Who raise good apples and good pears, 
 And lots of Indian meal." 
 
 He soon arrived at the fork of the road, within a few 
 rods of his whereabouts, — -tied the mare to the fence, 
 near Abonijah Brite's barn, and walked gingerly along 
 by the river, towards the " Lummus place." Not a 
 sound was heard, save the low gurgling of the river, 
 and the faint clickings of his brogans. He soon came 
 up to the cottage, — all was hush as death ! he goes to 
 Betsey's bed-room window, — his pulse beat high — he 
 
§Q HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 gave a light tap — his heart was in his mouth I in a 
 twinkling the sash was raised^ and Betsey appeared 
 with a bundle and a bandbox. " Give me your hand, 
 whispered Ezek., " now jump, that's right," In a few 
 moments they reached their chaise, jumped in, and 
 soon left Witchtrott many miles in the rear. 
 
 '' Now jocund day 
 Stands tiptoe on Agamcnti's misty top ! '' 
 
 Gumbo Samson, a juvenile darky, is seen running 
 towards Mrs. Tus^o^lesworth's. 
 
 (Enter Gumbo.) — O Missy TugglewufI gor 
 amighty, Missy Tugglewuf! de berry debil and 
 Tommas Walker be to pay, down to Witchtrott. 
 Bets Lummus has gone, hook and sinker, an' lef a 
 billet on de table, sayin' how she be gone off to get 
 married wid you Zekel. De ole man says as how 
 he'll hunt 'em to de eends of dis ere revolvin erf, if he 
 ony jest find out wot eend dey went to. Zeph Par- 
 kins swears he'll lick Zeke like blazes, when he cotch- 
 es him ; — and deridere's 'Bednigo Mull'kin, settin on 
 de school 'us steps cryin', lookin' like de werry immij 
 ob despair, in de picter book ; it's enuf to break the 
 werry heart ob a weel-barrer to see him ! " 
 
 Our lovers are now half way to Boston for Rhode 
 Island ; " as blythe as blythe can be." As soon as 
 they arrived at Providence, Ezekiel bought a license, 
 and for a triding remuneration, a justice of the peace 
 put on the yoke. 
 
THE STAR OF WITCHTROTT. 
 
 51 
 
 They immediately started for Quamphegan, and 
 arrived in due season, safe and sound, at Ezek.'s mo- 
 thers. Betsey was forthwith introduced as Mrs. Tug- 
 gles worth, by Ezekiel. 
 
 " Lor me ! " exclaimed his mother, throwing down 
 her knitting ; " Wal, I never I who'd have thought it ? 
 you'll he hung in Tacnic hay-scales, that's sartain, you 
 Zeke ! " 
 
 Ezek. now sent a letter to Betsey's father, telling 
 him that he had saved him the trouble of getting a 
 husband for his daughter. The old man foamed and 
 swore, and sent back to Ezek, that if he didn't want a 
 " tarnel thrashing," never to set his foot in Witchtrott 
 again. 
 
 Ezekiel now bes^an to build an addition to the old 
 homestead ; and matters and things went on '' smooth 
 as ile," as he expressed it. Betsey's father was satis- 
 fied after a while that his dausjhter hadn'l. made out 
 so badly ; and some of the neighbors convinced him 
 that she had done better than by having either of her 
 other suitors ; accordingly his wrath was somewhat ap- 
 peased, — but he never got fairly reconciled to the 
 elopement. Zeph Perkins solaced himself as well as 
 he could, by drinking cider-brandy and smoking long- 
 nines. As to the poor school-master, he was inconso- 
 lable ; he mourned and would not be comforted. 
 Betsey's mother took pity, and did all she could to 
 comfort him. She could not give the substance of 
 his wishes, bat she gave him the shadow, in the 
 shape of a profile of her daughter, which an itinerant 
 artist cut a few years previous. 
 
555 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 One Sunday last summer, I saw Abednigo stand- 
 ing on the steps of Witchlrott meeting-house, -just be- 
 fore the services had commenced. I asked him if he 
 had got married yet. He gave a deep sigh, — and tak- 
 ing a sheep-skin pocket book, sadly worn, from his 
 breast pocket, opened it, and showed me Betsey's pro- 
 file. I saw that his heart was broken, for he wiped a 
 tear from his eye, with the sleeve of his thread-bare 
 coat, as he gazed on the " counterfeit presentment" of 
 Betsey's features, and exclaimed — 
 
 " She's the star 1 miss'd from Witchtrott, 
 Long time ago ! " 
 
 SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 
 
 lOM FREELY was a jolly, fat fellow ; his heart 
 was big as that of an ox, as Sol Swap would 
 say ; — and such a hand at making a boot ! Tiie young 
 bloods of Lingville would suffer no one else to form 
 the eases for their understandings. He was a capital 
 sportsman, too ; no other man in that neighborhood 
 could bring home more game at one time, either fish 
 or fowl, than Tom. And more than that, he was one 
 of God's noblest works — an honest man I But, alas ! 
 Tom is now no more. He has waxed his last thread, 
 he has finished his last boot, he has caught his last fish, 
 he has winged his last bird, and his honest soul has 
 
SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 53 
 
 winged its flight to the arms of St. Crispin. One day 
 after his stent was finished — for, mind you, he would 
 never leave his business undone for pleasure — Tom, 
 with a party of his '' ancient, trusty cronies," embarked 
 on board Sam Foley's wherry, for a fishing excursion 
 down Lingville river. J laving fished to their hearts' 
 content, they put ashore on Heel-tap island, at the 
 mouth of Clam Bay, to cook their piscatory spoils. 
 Heel-tap island is a small round piece of loam, about 
 three fathoms from the main land of Coonic, where it 
 is connected by a rustic bridge. Tradition says this 
 island was formed by a heel-tap, which chanced to 
 fall from the shoe of some patriarch of yore ; the pegs 
 which remained in it served for an anchor ; it stuck 
 fast in the bottom of the river, — the eel-grass and weeds 
 fastened to it ^- the soil washed from the shores during 
 the freshets accumulated upon it, so in process of time 
 it becamxC an island ; it is about fifty yards in diame- 
 ter. Tom and his brother souters always chose this 
 spot for their fishing frolics, on account of its name 
 chiming with their professions, and for its being near 
 their fishing grounds. A chowder was now soon 
 served up, and as quickly despatched, by Tom and 
 his hungry companions. The "striped" was now 
 handed round, and 
 
 " All the lads looked gay and l^riglit, 
 And wine and genius flashed about ! 
 
 But, while all this was going on, their boat was go- 
 ing off; for she, like her master, possessed rather a 
 roving disposition, and being rather impatient withall 
 
54 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 in waiting for her freight, she had, by some means or 
 other, sHp[)ed frem her moorings, and was going down 
 with the tide ; and by the lime " the hour approached 
 when they maun go," their bonny boat was full fifty 
 fathoms from the shore. What was to be done ? 
 They didn't hke the idea of losing the boat, nor of be- 
 ing laughed at for walkini^ home. "I'll swim for't," 
 exclaimed Tom, who ere this, had stood still, with his 
 finger on his lip — 
 
 " And like a neutral to his will and matter, said nothing." 
 
 " And,^^ continued he — 
 
 " I've read in ancient story book, that for to kiss his dear, 
 Leaiider swam the Hellespont, and 1 will swim this "ere." 
 
 "I'll bet a quart of ' white-face ' I'll get her." 
 " And I'll bet two quarts you won't," said one of the 
 company. " Done," exclaimed Tom, Avho immedi- 
 ately commenced operations, by bracing up his spirits 
 " a leetle " higher, Avilh a drop or two more of the 
 "streaked; " then doffed his robes, and breasted the 
 green waves for the boat. After buffettiiig the stream, 
 till he got within a few yards of the fugitive wherry, 
 nature began to be exhausted, — he could swim no 
 further; he turned his face towards the shore, and 
 shouted — "I've lost my bet!" then sank for ever! 
 
 His bench now stands unoccupied, in one corner of 
 his shoj^, — the spiders have spun their webs round 
 about it ; — there has no one yet been found that can fill 
 his place. The birds n^w sing, the trout and pickerel 
 wag their tails and leap for joy, as if they would say 
 
WHITEWASHING EXTRAORDINARY. 55 
 
 — 'Met us now rejoice, for our destroyer is con- 
 quered ! " The beaux of the village sigh as they look 
 at their now bungled " trotter coverings," and exclaim 
 with Hal, — "We could have better spared a better 
 man.^' 
 
 WHITEWASHING EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 NCLE JEM'iS grocery at Newburyport was a 
 queer looking medley, a conglomeration of 
 things in general, a confused confusion of particular 
 goods, with those of no particular use, profit nor ac- 
 count. A smoke-house graced one end of his store, 
 where hams and herring were wont to be cured, which 
 tinctured the wares with a smack of creosote, besides 
 tinging the walls and ceiling with an imctious and 
 very delicious brown. Heaven's first law was out of 
 the question entirely in that unique receptacle of mul- 
 titudinous multiplicily of notions; for, mixed and 
 commingled with a delectable mixture, his ample 
 counters showed forth heaps strangely heaped in 
 strangest and wildest juxtaposition of heterogenious 
 bunches, piles and bundles — wet, moist, hard, soft 
 and dry goods — gingerbread, gimlets, je\vsharps, 
 jack-knives, gloves and gridirons — jumbled, higglety- 
 pigglety, in maddest mazes ! Moreover, the walls 
 were in most excellent keeping with the rest of the 
 
56 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Store ; hanging pendant therefrom, or laid upon 
 shelves of every shape, size and condition, were warm- 
 ing-pans, brooms, bacon, shovels and steel-traps, sad- 
 irons and stew-pans, in swe^est confusion ; in a word, 
 chaotic chaos reigned there supreme, and medley of 
 medleys was fully realized. 
 
 One bright morning in June, Uncle Jem took a 
 quirk in his noddle, and " calkylated ".'twould ;x/^ to 
 whitewash the interior of his store — five and twenty 
 years, at least, having gone by since the rejuvenatitig 
 brush, dipped in the calciferous mixture, had been ap- 
 plied thereunto. Two men of lime were sent for ; 
 they were soon on the spot, armed and equipped, rea- 
 dy and willing to beautify the ancient walls at the gro- 
 cer-man's bidding. " You may whitewash every- 
 thing," said tTncle Jem, carelessly ; " and," continued 
 he, '' there's a mug, and there are the sperit casks, — so 
 you may work away and help yourselves." The di- 
 rection to the locality of the standing casks might have 
 been spared — the men had been there before — but 
 the ad libertim use of the contents thereof was well 
 received by them, for two drier chaps never worked in 
 lime. 
 
 As soon as these two artists of the broad brush had 
 tested pretty freely the divers taps, they took each a 
 bouncing swig of old Jamaica, and went to their work 
 — first taking down jugs, pots, pans and panikins — 
 then whitewashing among the mazy intricacies of 
 hooks, nails, buckets, chests, braces and hanging 
 shelves. They soon found this rather slow and che- 
 
WHITEWASHING EXTRAORDINARY. Sf 
 
 quered work, besides inconvenient in stepping among 
 the wares taken from the walls, w^hich encumbered the 
 floor. So, after a few more liberal draughts upon the 
 old Jamaica, these worthies of the lime-tub concluded 
 to put the job through, obeying orders, literally, by 
 whitewashing everything. At it they went, doing 
 over pots, mugs, scythes, brushes, buckets, clothes- 
 lines, stew-pans, legs of ham, strings of herring, onions 
 and Bologna sausages, ox-chains, augurs, and so forth. 
 Then came the case of drawers, — the counter, next, 
 with the load of uncypherable things came in for its 
 share of the renovating fluid ; the bins, the shot-bags, 
 the nail-casks, the barrels, the standing-casks and the 
 molasses hogshead, all, all came forth from the lavish 
 brushes of these artists in lime, " fresh as bride- 
 grooms," — even the venerable tabby, that lay dozing 
 in a basket of filberts on the window-seat, got a big 
 lick upon her brindled back ; and I verily believe, had 
 Uncle Jem crossed the path of these liberal w^iiteners, 
 especially after they had imbibed '^ thirteenthly," he 
 would have got his share of the diluted staple of 
 Thomaston. But when the grocer-man did make his 
 appearance, he was amazed beyond measure, he wot 
 not of his whereabouts, he thought that he had stepped 
 into a lime-kiln, or had been transported, unawares, 
 to the chalky cliffs of Dover — all, all, was so very 
 while ! 
 
 5 
 
58 HITS AND DASHES, 
 
 A SIGHT. * 
 
 ^J]HE cotton mills at Dover, N. H., are some six 
 ^fe or seven stories in height, in the rear. Directly- 
 opposite stands the old Ela tavern. These mills, 
 viewed from that house, locm np mightily, and make 
 a very imposing show, especially at evening, when 
 they are lighted — then they look quite formidable. 
 
 Two youths from the interior — their first appear- 
 ance in any town or village — *' put up " at this old 
 tavern one night, it being the place where all the yeo- 
 manry did congregate. The youngest went up stairs 
 to go to bed, leaving his companion in the bar-room 
 to finish up a horse-trade and the end of a " long 
 nine." The tired youngster had partly disrobed him- 
 self, when glancing out of the window, the legion of 
 illumined panes met his astonished eyes, 
 
 " In one tide ot light — one unclouded blaze 1 " 
 
 With one boot in his hand, the other upon his foot, 
 leaving the remainder of his wardrobe, wilh the excep- 
 tion of his shirt and trowsers, behind, he made a rush 
 for the bar-room, descending three steps at a time, 
 then, with phrenzied phiz, his eyes dilated to the size 
 of two full grown ruta-bagas, he thus made utter- 
 ance : — 
 
 " Jock ! come up ! will you come up stairs for 
 mighty. gracious sake ? Of all creation's works, this 
 ere's the darned-all-firedest ! Tophet is moved, and 
 sot up in Dover Landing ! " 
 
A SATURDAY EVENING SKETCH. 59 
 
 A SATURDAY EVENING SKETCH. 
 
 ilTE PICKERING'S big, brawney hands had 
 just clutched the bell-rope at Dr. Spring's church, 
 to give notice lo tlie puritans of good old Newbury- 
 port thai all worldly affairs must be closed up for the 
 week Jenjmy Ball had hauled up his wherry, and 
 his wife iiad just put on a pot of clams, wherewith to 
 regale her lord and master. Parson Milton had writ- 
 ten out " tliirt'^enihly " and " lastly" to his to-morrow'e 
 sermon, and Deacon Solomon had finished reckoning 
 the week's protits and losses. Harry Harmless, with 
 a quar -jng of " white-eye," was describing a Virginia 
 fence on his way hom.e through Star Alley. Captain 
 Moody Davis had shu<^^ up shop. The she-publican of 
 Guinea, a iter taking her gin-toddy, had given the key 
 of the bar in chaYge of the " minstrel," and enveloped 
 snugly uiihin ihe warm folds of her virtuous blankets, 
 resigned licr dark drowsy head to the arms of Mor- 
 pheus. 'J'he dipped candle had burnt low in its sock- 
 et at Jem D(>nglasy's shanty, and — in short, 'twas 
 eight o'clock on Saturday night. The weather was 
 stormy. 
 
 Hovering round a scant fire, was a bankrupt mer- 
 ch^int's wife, and her three little ones; the husband 
 and father wa.> then lying in jail for a debt vvhich he 
 was totally uni'^lc to pay, — 
 
 " D;'st itod at, his utmost need, 
 By those his former bounty fed.'* 
 
60 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Too proud to beg, the excellent woman bad struggled 
 alone to gain a scanty pittance for herself and chil- 
 dren ; 'twas too much for her alone. She had pawned 
 her silver spoons, one after another ; her jewelry had 
 gone long since — the brass fire-set, so very fashionable 
 in those days, soon followed, with many other things, 
 but the money was soon expended, and ''short com- 
 mons'^ was again their lot. 
 
 " My dear children," said the good mother, " I do 
 not know what I shall do to get bread for you to-mor- 
 row. I really did expect, surely, that Mrs. M. would 
 have sent to pay for the sewing which I did for her ; 
 O, if she did but know how much I depended upon 
 her, she would have sent it, I am sure. I dare not ask 
 the grocer nor the baker for any more credit, and I 
 know not what more I can pawn. I do hope," con- 
 tinued the afflicted woman, as she wiped away a tear 
 from each eye — one of honest pride, the other of sor- 
 row — "I do hope we shall get along without beg- 
 ging." 
 
 The storm whistled, and the sleet rattled against the 
 windows. 
 
 " Let us kneel together, my darlings," she resumed, 
 " and pray to our Father which is in heaven ; for he 
 tells us to call upon him in time of trouble." The 
 sainlly mother then kneeled, and her little jewels, fold- 
 ing their tiny hands, knelt round about her. 
 
 O, thou kind Being ! By whom even the sparrow's 
 fall is noticed. Thou who didst feed thy children in 
 the wilderness, — see'st thou that mother, with her 
 
%l 
 
 group of little cherubs around her ; hearest thoa her 
 supplication, accompanied with the sweet responses of 
 those lisping babes, invoking Thee not to forsake them 
 in their adversity ? 
 
 Thou hast said, — I will not see the righteous forsa- 
 ken, nor their seed begging bread. 
 
 Her prayer is heard ! 
 
 The point of the minute hand upon the Old South 
 dial had scarce traversed a quadrantle, when a neigh- 
 bor entered. It was a good old nurse ; she stated to 
 the distressed mother that she had baked a batch of 
 bread that day, but being called away that night to 
 attend the sick, on a week's absence or longer, she 
 had no occasion for it, and, if she would accept, was 
 welcome to it. 
 
 He that heareth the young ravens cry, will not suf- 
 fer such an invocation to go unheeded. 
 
 A "SELL." 
 
 ^N making repairs upon the dam at Salmon Falls, 
 ^> N. H., a few Aveeks since, one of the workmen 
 found an aquatic root of peculiar color, spotted ; he 
 gave it to Sam. Ricker, of Quamphegan, to do as he 
 liked with it. Sam is a cosy and ingenious wag of 
 quiet demean ; so immediately on the receipt of this 
 curious relic, he sat himself down upon the nave of 
 
88 
 
 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 one of his wagon-^\ heels — Sam is a wheelwright — lit 
 his pipe, and cogitated thus : 
 
 ^' There has been nothing turned up here of late 
 wherewith to arouse the natives ; true, the village ar- 
 chitect has bought a snuff-box, Parker Abbott a new 
 pipe, the post-master has had a new chimney to his 
 domicil, Walter Bell has just finished the laying of 
 ten new shingles on Jenkins's barn — he works by the 
 day, — a foot in height has been added to the new 
 dam, and a new windo whas been cut in Dea. Footers 
 mill, — but something of more " pith and moment" is 
 needed to stir the sluggish blood of the Quamphegan- 
 ers, so I'll e'en try my hand at getdng up a new won- 
 derment." 
 
 No sooner thought than done. Sam, with the aid of 
 his jack-knife, carved the head of a snake upon the 
 large end of the root ; a half score of shoe-pegs from 
 Donty Tuttle's kit did the teeth, two China beads from 
 the toy-shop represented the optics, and a bit of red 
 baize formed the tongue. The snake was finished, — 
 nothing of the serpent kind ever looked more formida- 
 ble,— 
 
 " Not those that in Illyria changed 
 Hermione and Cadmus, or the god 
 In Epidaurus: nor to wliich transform 'd 
 Ammonian Jove, or Capitoline, was seen." 
 
 The ''critter" was transported to Sam's brother's 
 store, and placed in " awful state " upon a round ta- 
 ble in the centre of the back shop ; the shutters were 
 closed, save one small aperture, and " a dim rehgious 
 
A "SELL." 63 
 
 light " pervaded the apartment. A notice was forth- 
 with written out in a round, bold hand, and placed in 
 a conspicuous place, running somewhat thus : — 
 
 A NATURAL CURIOSITY ! 
 
 A young specimen of the Ichthyosauncs^ or Water Liz- 
 ard! ! ! Found in the Salmon Falls river, by Charles 
 Tuttle, Esq. This is the only one of this class of rep- 
 tiles, supposed to have long ceased to exist, that has 
 been seen for the last century ! ! ! This very peculiar 
 species of the aquatic snake is a very young member 
 of the Ichthyosaurian family, being only about four 
 feet in length; it has the snout of a porpoise, the 
 teeth of a crocodile, the head of a lizard, the verter- 
 brae of an eel, the tongue of an ornithorhynchus ; uni- 
 ting within itself a combination of parts of the three 
 animal kingdoms. The eye, "rolling in liquid cir- 
 cles," is somewhat large, being a third of an inch in 
 diameter, and 
 
 " Robed in flames of liquid light ! " 
 
 The animal is covered with a smooth skin, which in 
 different lights, looks 
 
 " Starred, striped and spotted, yellow, green and blue ! '* 
 
 This fish-like serpent was originally an inhabitant of 
 the ocean ; it fed upon its own species ; hence, very 
 like, the reason of its expulsion. Milton makes men- 
 tion of this monster — 
 
 " With head uplift above the waves, and eyes 
 That sparkling, blazed ! " 
 
 This curiosity may be seen at No. 1, brick block, rear 
 
§4 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 room, Quamphegan square, for this day only, pre- 
 vious to its departure south and west. Admittance, 
 6 1-4 cents — women and children, half-price. 
 
 It took ; the village was all agog. The villagers 
 thronged in by dozens. The circuit judge was there, 
 the preacher-men were present, the school-master was 
 on hand, the village doctors were not behind the call, 
 *'the oldest inhabitant" hobbled in, the learned pun- 
 dits all came to see the show ; the bump of wonder 
 stuck out ''a feet" on the cranium of a transcenden- 
 talist, as he beheld the sight ; the ehte and the plebi- 
 ans of the village rushed with one accord, and min- 
 gled with the motley and wondering crowd around 
 the curious "varmint." A deputation from Tacnic 
 came to see the " snaik," — and ere night-fall people 
 rushed in from Witchtrott, Sligo, Agamenticus, Tear- 
 shirt, and Bonnybig — yea, verily, even Barrington 
 plains sent down a delegation of three. 
 
 A rail was put up a few feet from the table, encir- 
 cling it, on which reclined this 
 
 " Monster of the bubbling deep." 
 
 Sam's brother stood within the railing, and thus ha- 
 ranged the crowd : — Gentlemen and — I was about 
 to say ladies — this nondescript, this aquatic lizard, 
 this remnant of other days, was taken alive at Salmon 
 Falls River this very morning at sun-rise, but he has 
 about given up the ghost, as you see he scarcely 
 moves." Here one of the audience gave the " pesky 
 sarpent" a poke with a stick, which made the elastic, 
 
65 
 
 pulpons, counterfeit '^ snaik " tremble, and seem to 
 writhe, and the over-ciirious auditor 
 
 " Back to the crowd did slink." 
 
 *' This reptile, gentlemen," continued the speaker, 
 " being a native of old Neptune's domains — 
 
 " Now sporting on the yesty crcstedwave, 
 Anon, wooing the slimy buttom of the deep I " 
 
 is a great wonder in these parts ; he must have come 
 hither by the Piscataqua ard Quamphegan rivers, and 
 finally taken up his abode and settled down among 
 the w^inding mazes of the romantic Salmon Falls, 
 along the wild, sedgy banks by Cutts's neck — 
 
 " Where the raven flappes his wynge, 
 In the briard dell belowe ; 
 Where the dethe owle loude dothe synge 
 To the nighte-mares as heie goe ; 
 
 Alle underre ye willowe tree ! " 
 
 " Cre-a-tion ! what a mouth ! " ejaculated Zeruba- 
 bel Mullikin, from Witchtrott. " Ah-r-r-r, that's a 
 comploot snake, a com-ploot snake ! " outspoke the 
 village architect, as he took a bouncing big pinch of 
 Maccaboy from his new box. " By zucks ! " ex- 
 claimed a baptist deacon, "we won't have any more 
 baptisms in that river ! " " Will he bite, Thommuth ? " 
 lisped out a village miss, who had just entered the 
 room with a young sprig from the academy. " I 
 should be rather fearful of the reptile," replied the 
 gallant, " he looks decidedly wicked, and 
 
 " See the sparkles that flash from his eyes ! " 
 
DO HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 " By , he's one on 'em ! " roared out a gondo- 
 la captain. *' I s-vv-e-o-u-w ! " drawled out. Peleg 
 Jenkins, in a semi-tone. '' Very probable this reptile 
 is an infant of the mighty leviathan of the vasty deep, 
 that the scriptures tell us of," suggested one of the 
 parsons. '* I'll probe this matter," whispered a young 
 ^' saw bones" of the villao^e ; and suitinj? the action to 
 the word, he dodged under the raihng, and inserting 
 the point of his pen-knife into the " pesky varmint," 
 immediately withdrew it and placed it to his nose, re- 
 marking at the time that it cut and smelt very hke a 
 vegetable. The audience began to smell a joke ; the 
 *' snaik " Avas snaked out, the plot was uncovered ; 
 the game was up ; and 
 
 " Such a shout was there ! '' 
 
 it made the windows rattle, nearly unhung the pon- 
 derous shutters, and actually shook the plastering so 
 that it cracked from wainscot to ceihng ! 
 
 As soon as the tumult had a little subsided, Sam start- 
 ed for Tom's, and quickly returned, loaded with a big 
 demijohn ; the proprietor of the store where the exhibi- 
 tion took place, furnished the " principes " and " Ha- 
 vanas;" the fastidious ones vanished, and the 
 rest had a ''time" on the proceeds of the " show^" 
 Punch was concocted and swallowed, cigars were 
 used up with guslo^ jokes were cracked, and finally, 
 this gathering wound up with a song sung by " Don- 
 ty," entitled " The Great Sea Snake ! " 
 
A GENTLE HINT. 67 
 
 A GENTLE HINT. 
 
 IHE following incident of a voyage clown east, 
 several years since, I have lold so often in self- 
 defence, anticipating my friend relating it in his own 
 way, although the joke w^as sadly at my expense, I 
 have got quite used and reconciled to, — so here it 
 goes in print : — 
 
 My friend Jemes and myself were journeying cast- 
 ward one winter. After buffeting a north-east storm 
 all day, night found us cold, wet, weary and hungry. 
 We began to look about for a tavern ; but as we rode 
 on, and rode on, no signs of one appeared. Despe- 
 rate, we called at the first house, and were told we had 
 passed a tavern a mile back, and that there were none 
 other for six long miles. We told them our situation, 
 and that we really believed the horse would give out 
 if we drove him a mile farther that night. The old 
 farmer told us we might stop with him, if we wished, 
 and he would do the best he could for us. We soon 
 saw our horse well bestowed — the very first thing al- 
 ways — and then were ushered into the domicil, 
 where we found a rousing fire of maple logs to glad- 
 den our hearts withal. 
 
 Whilst we were warming and drying ourselves, 
 the daughter of our host, a buxom lass, spread the 
 table with good cheer ; a bouncing pitcher of cider 
 
68 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 in the centre, flanked upon either side by cold beef, 
 hot tea, toast and dough-nuts, fat, ruddy and plump as 
 Bardolph's nose, with 
 
 «' Other country messes, 
 Which the neat-handed Philhs dresses." 
 
 We were soon seated round the bountiful board, do- 
 ing ample justice to the viands, with appetites sharp- 
 ened to such an edge as nothing short of a down-cast 
 winter air could fix. The damsel waited upon the 
 table ; my friend and myself were both taken up with 
 her, as well w^e might be, for she not only looked in- 
 teresting, but supplied our Avants with such a pretty 
 and willing hand, that I involuntarily exclaimed — 
 
 " Yes, let Hebe, ever young, 
 High in heaven her nectar hold. 
 And to Jove's immortal throng 
 Pour the tide in cups of gold — 
 HI not envy heaven's princes, 
 While, w^ith snowy hands, for me, 
 Kate the china tea-cup rinses. 
 And pours out her best Bohea ! " 
 
 After tea, among other topics, that of watches was 
 brought up ; my friend prided himself not a little upon 
 his knowledge of chronometers ; the old man's watch 
 was '' out o' kilter," he said, and wished Jemes to 
 look into it. Proud of an opportunity to display his 
 knowledge of mechanism, Jemes took the antique ho- 
 rologe to a table and opened it. The whole family, 
 with the exception of the girl who waited upon us at 
 supper, gathered around him, to see him illustrate, and 
 hear him expatiate upon the w^onders of the time- 
 
A GENTLE HLMT. 69 
 
 keeper. Preferring the warm fire side to the back 
 part of the room, and the charms of a damsel to the 
 wheels and fixings of an old-fashioned '' bull's-eye," I 
 kept company with the maiden. We soon 
 
 " • grew quiet gracious, 
 
 With favors secret, sweet and precious." 
 
 The old lady, as she would occasionally glance at us 
 from over the top of her specs, looked somewhat dis- 
 comforted, and my friend would, ever and anon, leave 
 his subject and give a most envious look at me. I 
 was in full feather- — it would have taken something of 
 a bonus to induce me to exchange places with Jemes. 
 
 " Come and see the turnip^'' said Jemes to me, 
 coaxingly, " it's a curious one-" ^ 
 
 " Ht^re's metal more attractive," replied I, in the 
 language of the prince of Denmark. 
 
 " Lor sake, Katy ! " out spoke the old lady, " I 
 should ra'lly think you'd rather see the inards of a 
 Avatch, — 'I know you never seed one opened in all 
 your born days." The damsel heeded the invitation 
 not. 
 
 " Nods and becks and wreatlied smiles" 
 
 were plentifully exchanged betwixt us, most of which 
 the vigilant eye of the mother saw ; and Jemes would 
 now and then cast an envious glance at me, which I 
 would repay by placing the end of my thumb on the 
 tip of my nose, and extending the remaining digits to- 
 wards him, all of which he understood too well to be 
 mistaken to mean, " You can't shine here, young 
 
70 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 The plot thickened. The old lady began to look 
 worried. Fnally she could't stand it no longer ; she 
 rushed into the " fore-room," and soon returned with 
 a huge slice of rich cake upon a "chancy" plate, 
 which she handed to me, remarking at the same time, 
 *' This 'ere is some of my darter Kate's — this 'ere 
 gal's — wedding cake; she is to be married next 
 week. I kind o' thought you'd hke to taste on't, 
 cause she made it herself; and we think it's as good 
 as the boughten. Her fellow has gone to the village ; 
 he'll be back to-night. You'd like to see him, I 
 guess, for he's a right good young man ! " 
 
 Jemes shouted, kicked over his chair, broke 
 the crystal of the " bull's eye,^' and asked after the 
 health of my grandmother. The old man stared, the 
 hired men giggled, the old lady sat down and took a 
 pinch of yaller snuff, the children laughed, and the 
 damsel wept. As to myself, a smooth six-cent piece 
 would have bought me then — hats, boots and all I 
 
GETTING IT THICK, 71 
 
 CUTTING IT THigK. 
 
 ANY years since, there did dwell in a certain 
 'ife town, not a hundred miles from that far-famed 
 place where orthodox divines are fitting up for their 
 profession and calling, a certain D. D., notorious for 
 his parsimoniousness, which would occasionally run 
 into the wildest extremes : — 
 
 " Like a peach that's got the /alters, 
 With it's meanness bustin' out ! '' 
 
 One day this doctor of divinity chanced into a hat 
 store in this city, and after rummaging over the wares, 
 selected an or linary looking hat, put it on his reverend 
 head, ogled himself in the glass, then asked the very 
 lowest price for it, telhng the vender that if he could 
 get it cheap enough he thought he might buy it. 
 
 " But," said the hatter, " that hat is not good enough 
 for yoiv to wear — here is what you want," showing 
 one of his best beavers. 
 
 " 'Tis the best I can afford, tho'," returned the theo- 
 logian. 
 
 '' Well, there, doctor — I'll make you a present of 
 that best beaver, if you'll wear it and tell your friends 
 whose store it came from — I'll warrant you'll send me 
 customers enough to get my money back with inter- 
 est, — you are pretty extensively acquainted." 
 
 *' Thank you — thank you I '^ said the doctor — his 
 eyes gleaming with pleasure at raising a castor so 
 
72 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 cheaply — " how much may this beaver be worth?'' 
 
 " We sell that kind of hat for eight dollars," re- 
 plied the man of nap. 
 
 " And the other ? " continued the reverend gentle- 
 man. 
 
 «' Three." 
 
 The man of sermons put on the beaver, looked in 
 the glass, then at the three dollar hat. 
 
 '' I think, sir," said he, taking off the beaver, and 
 holding it in one hand as he donned the cheap '' tile," 
 " I think, sir, that* this hat will answer my purpose 
 full as well as the best." 
 
 " But you'd better take the best one, sir, it costs 
 you no more." 
 
 "But — -but," replied the parson, hesitatingly, "I 
 didn't know- — but — per-haps — you would as lief I 
 would take the cheap one — and leave the other -—and 
 perhaps you would not mind giving me the difference 
 in ^fwe dollar bill! " 
 
CUTTING IT FAT. 73 
 
 CUTTING IT FAT— -OR THE PARSON 
 AND THE CHEESES. 
 
 .UR reverend hero of the hat story was riding 
 home from a visit to Newburyport, one after- 
 noon, — and being on the road where a friend of his, 
 Mr. T., lived, a staunch old farmer, famous for his fat 
 cheeses and good living, he gave him a call. 
 
 In a short time, tea was ready, and the doctor was 
 of course cordially invited to sit down at their bounti- 
 ful board. 
 
 " I declare," ejaculated the divine, " I must say that 
 this cheese is the nicest I ever ate ; why, it will nearly 
 melt in one's mouth ! " 
 
 " Sartain/' returned the dairyman, " you must 
 know, doctor, that my wife lets no one go ahead of 
 her on cheese ; she always gets the first premium at 
 the cattle show ; I stamp my initials on all we make, 
 and they bring a cent or two a pound more than any 
 others in the market." 
 
 " Excuse me for helping myself to it so bounti- 
 fully," said the reverend guest, "it \s so very nice; 
 besides, it is quite a luxury to me — such extra cheese, 
 — we don't have such at home; in fact, to tell you 
 plainly, we have n't had any of an?/ kind lately." 
 
 This brought out the good dairywoman. 
 
 *' Husband," said she, '' had n't we better give the 
 doctor one of our cheeses ? " 
 6 
 
74 HITS AND DASHES. ^ 
 
 " Sarlain," replied the farmer, '' give him a good 
 one — the best you've got in the house." 
 
 As soon as the doctor was ready to start, the gener- 
 ous woman selected a nice fat cheese from her store- 
 room — fit for a king's table — rolled it up nicely in a 
 spick-span clean napkin, and handed it to their hired 
 man to put it in the parson's sleigh. 
 
 " I'll take care of it, myself," said our doctor of 
 theology, taking the rich disc from the man, — and, after 
 thanking the good people kindly for their nice present, 
 he bade them good night, and started with his prize 
 for his horse and sleigh, which was standing by the 
 front gate. 
 
 After stowing away his cheese, he unhitched the 
 animal, and jumped into the sleigh ; but he had 
 scarcely got seated, and the reins adjusted, when the 
 horse, feeling impatient to be off, gave a sudden side- 
 jerk towards the road, capsizing the sleigh, spilling 
 out the parson, and after him three cheeses, which he 
 had got at different places that day, besides the 
 one just given him, which verged off in differenl direc- 
 tions like rays of rich orange light, leaving the doctor 
 in the centre of the halo for a nucleus ! 
 
 All this came off before a good audience — the 
 scene was not lost. A picket guard of children stood 
 at the gate — the farmer and his wife were posted at 
 the front door, and the man-servant and the maid-ser- 
 vant stood at the window\ 
 
 As soon as the doctor's rich cargo was revealed to 
 the astonished eyes of our good dairyman, he sprung 
 
PARSON MILTON. 75 
 
 forward and seized, with his huge paw, the cheese 
 marked " S. T.," clapped it under his arm — then 
 turning to the parson whh a satirical smile, said — 
 " Doctor, when you are out of c-h-e-e-s-e, just come 
 this way and you shall have this ! " The parson was 
 never known to call for it, we believe. 
 
 PARSON MILTON 
 
 ■HO that knows anything about Newburyport, 
 surely knows there was once a good, honest, 
 but rather a rough old parson, Milton. Many are the 
 anecdotes extant of this eccentric man. He was a 
 queer looking personage, withal, resembling very 
 much, Crehore's jack of clubs. And such a voice I 
 Like the thunder of some mighty organ, 'twould make 
 the very clapboards rattle on his old church ! 
 
 One Monday morning, as the good old man was 
 lugging home a huge codfish, he was accosted by one 
 of his deacons, with — "Mr. Milton, did you know 
 that fish was caught on the Sabbath ? " 
 
 '' What of it," returned the parson, '' the fish isn't 
 any the worse for't." 
 
 This same deacon was a dealer in wood, and it had 
 been whispered more than once about his' short mea- 
 
76 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 0ures. On the following Sunday, Parson M., after 
 reading his text from Proverbs, about short weights 
 and measures, roared out at the top of his lungs, al- 
 most cracking the old sounding board, " any man that 
 will sell six feet of wood for a cord, will have to ' take 
 it ' in the next world, if not in this, — 1 don't care if he 
 does sit in the deacon's seats — that won't save him, by 
 a long chalk ! " 
 
 About the time that temperance and anti-slavery 
 began to bud forth, a committee from his society 
 w^aited upon, and desired him to espouse those causes. 
 
 "Shan't do't!" said the parson of the old school; 
 *Vwhen you hired me, it was to preach the gospel — ' 
 now it's rum and niggers ! " 
 
 The good man bought a load of potatoes of a coun- 
 tryman one day. On their way to the house with the 
 load, they passed Prospect street church. 
 
 " Isn't that old Milton's church ? " asked the farmer. 
 
 " Yes," snapped out the minister. 
 
 " Wal, I should hke to see the old codger, I have 
 hearn tell on him so much." 
 
 *' You'd like to see him, eh ? wal, I'll show him to 
 ye directly," returned the parson, jogging on. 
 
 They soon arrived at the house, and between them 
 both, quickly had the potatoes stowed away in the cel- 
 lar. The old man brought out the decanter — 'twas the 
 custom in those days — both took a pull at it, — then, 
 after paying the farmer, the reverend gentleman plant- 
 
PARSON MILTON. 77 
 
 ed himself in front of him, and screamed out, '' Ye 
 said ye'd Uke lo see old Milton, didn't ye." 
 
 '' I did," replied the man of potatoes. 
 
 ^' Wal then," roared forth the'man of God, at the 
 ^' top of his bent," look at me — Fm old Milton I " 
 
 A party of the good citizens of that town took it in- 
 to their heads to make a trip to the Isle of Shoals ; 
 among the rest was our good parson. A few hours 
 out, a terrible squall arose, —the boat could but just 
 live under it, — every cheek was paled, — the minis- 
 ter Avasas frightened as the rest. " Mr. Mihon," said 
 one of the company, " we marvel much that you 
 should be alarmed in danger, — a saint like you, in 
 case you are drowned, would of course go to heaven." 
 
 '* All right," replied the eccentric man of God, " but 
 I don't wish to go there by water ! " 
 
 A huge pile of "notes" — not promissory, but 
 mostly invocative, Avere laid upon the pulpit desk, 
 owQ Sunday morning— -an extra lot : Parson Milton 
 overhauled them, threw them down, and told the con- 
 gregation that there lay a lot of requests — some desir- 
 ing prayers for one thing, some for another ; and 
 many wishing to return thanks for various things ; — 
 ^' 'Twill take a long while to read them," said this 
 funny preacher-man, " so my hearers, we'll lump 'em, 
 and pray for 'em in a bunch ! " 
 
 At another time this eccentric old parson found a 
 
78 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 '•note" lor him to read, which ran somewhat thus 
 — all but the names ; — " Abinadab Humm and wife 
 desires the prayers of this congregation for their son 
 Sam, who is given over to hardness of heart and 
 blindness of mind." The odd divine, as soon as he 
 had finished the reading of this strange request, ex- 
 claimed in one of his big Paixhan gun tones — '' it's 
 of no use to pray for him ! " — then rent the '• note " 
 in twain, and flung the pieces on the floor. 
 
 A queer lot of requests, generally, were sent to this 
 erratic reverend ; one of the very richest ran thus, 
 barring the names : — '' Zachariah Plumper and wife, 
 desire to return thanks for being blessed with the 
 natural consequences of matrimony ! " 
 
 This compound of oddities — this queer old parson, 
 went down river one day on a chowder-party, 
 with a half score or so of his fellow saints. In due 
 time the savory dish, smoking hot, Avas set before 
 these living pillars of presbytery, who, with appetites 
 sharpened to a double edge by fasting and the sea 
 air, were both ready and willing to go into the mess 
 with more than religious zeal and good will — the 
 parson, especially, was anxious for the onslaught. 
 He, with watering mouth, stood up and inv^oked a 
 brief blessing thus : — " O Lord, bless the repast set 
 before us. for Christ's sake, amen — Deacon Dole, 
 hand me that spoon ! " • _ 
 
PARSON MILTON. 79 
 
 Parson Milton was never lukewarm. He always 
 went into his sermons with a rush, with a zest, a 
 zeal, a gusto, and sometimes with a '• whirlwind of 
 passion," a perfect hurricane of action accompanied 
 by a thunder-storm of words. One day this queer 
 apostle was engagad in doing up his doctrines 
 "brown," hitting occasionally the socinians, armini- 
 ans, antinomiaiisand Hopkintonians big " licks," and 
 showing the opponents in general to the presbytery 
 no quarter whatsoever, — when in one of his immense 
 flourishes, he hit the big bible a thump, — and over 
 went the huge volume from the desk, slap-bang! 
 down upon the bald and reverend head of one of the 
 deacons! The excited parson " pulled up " short, 
 in his harangue — peeped over the cushion down 
 among the living pillars of the church, and seeing 
 the elder rubbing his pate, screamed forth in one of 
 his unearthly yells — " Did it hurt ye, deacon? " 
 
 Like many church-goers in those days, his congre- 
 gation were impatient to rush out before the benedic- 
 tion. And, in cold weather, (for they had no fires 
 m their churches in those days — the minister per- 
 forming the services in great coat and mittens,) most 
 of his flock had their pew-doors open, and one toot 
 out, ready for a start, ere the good man had even be- 
 2;un the '• grace." 
 
 One bitter cold Sunday, this old parson had 
 
m 
 
 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 •scarcely got the " amen " out, before every pew-door 
 was swung open, and its occupant ready for a rush — 
 when our divine roared out in one of his pecuUar yells, 
 — "Ye need'nt hurry — your puddin's won't get 
 cold I " 
 
 The effect of this rebuke lasted but a short time. 
 His people soon got into their old habits ; they 
 must have another dose, thought the old parson — and 
 they got it. Accordingly, one Sunday, as usual — 
 before the minister had even grot to the " grace" — the 
 pew doors flew open, and the whole congregation 
 seemed 
 
 " Like greyhounds in the slips, 
 Straining upon the start ! " 
 
 when this cxcentric preacher bellowed forth, at the 
 "top of his compass," — " If you'll stop I'll ask the 
 blessing — U ye don't I won't ! " 
 
 One Saturday, a young milk-and-water looking 
 sprig of divinity, fresh from the Andover minister mill, 
 called upon our parson, and offered to preach for him. 
 Mr. Milton told him he did'nt think his voice loud 
 enough to fill so large a house ; but the young man 
 was rather confident it was. Finally, Milton agreed 
 to let him try it, with the proviso that he him.self 
 should be seated in the pulpil, and if he thought the 
 youngster's voice pitched too low, he would remind 
 him of it, by pulling at his coat-tail. 
 
 The next morning the young sprig mounted the sa- 
 cred rostrum — while* the head of the establishment sat 
 
PARSON MILTON. 81 
 
 in the rear — who suffered the debidcmi to go through 
 the prayer unmolested. But when the young man 
 commeneed upon the hymn — the legitimate proprie- 
 tor of the desk gave the coat-tail of the young divine a 
 sliglit twitch, which caused its owner to raise his voice 
 a htlle higher. The second stanza was hardly begun, 
 when another twitch caused the reader to raise his 
 voice another note ; — another and another twitch — a 
 louder and a louder strain, was the consequence. 
 One more long, hard pull at the coat tail, — but there 
 is a point, — Nature had done her utmost — still '• ex- 
 celsior " was the cry, which ran from the coat-tail to 
 the brain of the poor martyr — who now put his whole 
 strength into his lungs, and brought forth one long, 
 almighty squeal! 
 
 When this eccentric preacher first came to New- 
 buryport from London, he then, as ever afterwards, 
 Avore his hair very long. Some of the curious old 
 dames of his church wondered at his taste ; whilst 
 others, rriore malicious, hinted that his ears might have 
 been cropped. The story, like all slanders, soon 
 spread like wildfire. Curiosity was " up and dressed," 
 — and one antique vestal declared she would be satis- 
 fied. Accordingly, one afternoon, she invited the 
 parson to tea. Both before and after the repast, the 
 venerable virgin was on the qui vive — trying to get a 
 peep under the parson's locks, to see if the append- 
 ages to his hearing portals were not clipped of their 
 fair proportions — but to no purpose. Just as the 
 
82 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 preacher-man was about to depart — the matron be- 
 coming desperate at her ill-success — as she handed 
 him his hat, remarked, " La, Mr. Milton, what beau- 
 tiful hair you have!" — at the same time pushing 
 away the locks that clustered around his ears ; upon 
 which the eccentric divine, comprehending at once 
 the woman's meaning, snapped out in one of his inim- 
 itable yells — " D'ye see 'em I " 
 
 On being called upon to do a prayer at a Fourth of 
 July dinner, he arose and invoked the throne of Grace 
 thus: — " O Lord, dehver us from sham patriots — 
 for Christ's sake, amen I '' 
 
EPISTLE FROM KEWBURVrORT. 83 
 
 EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
 BOSTON POST. 
 
 IKE as an egg is full of meat, so is this antique 
 town replete with traditions of eccentric men 
 who, whilom, did flourish here. But their day and 
 generation have passed and gone. Things have taken 
 a revolution. The oneness which of yore did mark 
 the people, is vanished. Cotton mills have usurped 
 the places once dedicated to the West-India trade? 
 and the agent, overseers and spinners walk in the foot- 
 steps of the former merchant, clerk and mechanic ; — 
 
 " Old times are changed — old manners gone ! '' 
 
 'Tis now like finding manna in the wilderness to 
 light upon an old codger who wall tell of the things 
 that were. 
 
 Here stands the theatre of the first display of witch- 
 craft in Massachusetts, — the " olde Morss house,'' — 
 w^here, as Cotton Mather has it put down in his 
 " magnolia " — " Brickes, stickes, and stones, were 
 thrown against ye house violentlye bye an unseene 
 hand I " And in goode man Morss's own words, vide 
 the court records of those days : — " The two pottes 
 which didd hange in ye chimly didd knock togetlier 
 very violentlye ' for severalle minutes. Moreover ye 
 andiron didd leap into ye big potte and dance, and 
 there abide. I putt my awle in a cupboard and fast- 
 ened ye dore — anon it came down ye chimly, I know 
 not how. We heard a noise at midnight, — arose, and 
 
S4 mrs and dashes. 
 
 found a grate hogge in ye house, ye doore beinge 
 locked — very willinge to go out!" Besides many 
 more freaks which I have not space here to put down. 
 The house is a curiosity of itself, with its half a score 
 of L's and additions, — looking like a game of domi- 
 noes." 
 
 Of course, you and the whole world have heard of 
 Lord Timothy Dexter, who so pompously flourished 
 here some thirty or forty years ago. But whilst all 
 his little foolish eccentricities has been published to the 
 world, I am sorry to say that his many virtues have 
 been hid under a bushel. He-was a benefactor to the 
 people — not party. He took things in a cosmopoli- 
 tan light — not one-sided. He did not give a large 
 sum to a sectarian minister manufactory ; if he 
 had, his name, like some others, would have 
 pealed forth throughout the land. But he gave his 
 little here — his httle there. He gave, as a saint, 
 a pretty little purse lowards building St. Paul's church 
 there, which, in olden time, would have canonized 
 him. He gave, as a christian and a man, a goodly 
 sum to be put in the care of the town, the interest of 
 which, annually, to be invested in provisions for the 
 poor, who kept tlicmselvcs out of the almshouse. In 
 short, he did many noble things, w^iich he should be 
 credited for, and which are nov/ lost sight of through 
 his peculiarities. Every one who has read his will, 
 says there never wa^a more judicious one made. He 
 was no fool, either, as many an anecdote of him will 
 show\ Speaking of a man whom he had befriended 
 
EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT. 85^ 
 
 many times, and got repaid with ingratitude, he said. 
 *' D — n him, he reminds me of a hog under a tree^ 
 eating acorns, never once thinking of looking up to see 
 where they come from ! '* 
 
 I will e'en give you a story or two about Jemmy 
 Ball, of the piscatory profession, in bye-gone days. 
 — and that will wind up this epistle. A queerer chick 
 than Jemmy never was hatched. Rough as a shag- 
 bark outside, he was all right within, and withal, a 
 perfect philosopher. But his spouse, who gave him a 
 deal of trouble, was quite the reverse, coarse as a gra- 
 ter, both outside and in. " I want tow-cloth enough 
 
 to make a pair of for Bets,'^ exclaimed Jemmy 
 
 one morning to a shop-keeper, " she has been dunning 
 mo for't for a long time, and swears if I don't get it to- 
 day, she'll take my wherry sail for 'em ! " 
 
 Jemmy came home unexpectedly one afternoon j 
 and found his spouse in the lap of a gentleman of col- 
 or. Instead of flying in a passion, as most husbands 
 would, and raise a miniature tophet about the house, 
 — he folded his arms, looked at the dehnquent wife 
 *'more in sorrow than in anger," and exclaimed, " I 
 don't care a cent about it, Bets, — but it clonH look 
 
 His idea about the note was not any farther out of 
 the way than many of our banks get sometimes. 
 *' You may put these fish to the old account, Mr. 
 Ball," said a customer to him after selecting a nice lot 
 of tom-cod. " Put 'em to the account I" replied our 
 hero of the hook and hne, with surprise ; " what ac- 
 
86 
 
 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 count? I doirt owe you anything; didn't I give you 
 my note t'other day ? " — 'Twas this same Jenmiy who 
 said one time that the clams were scarce, as they had 
 struck off in deep water ! 
 
 By my troth, this is a pleasant town, beautifully sit- 
 uated on the Merrimac, near the sea, every variety of 
 prospect abounding it. A nice, quiet place to spend a 
 few days, — • especially now, 
 
 " When summer smiles on sweet Pow hill, 
 And corn is green at Salisbury ! '' 
 
 EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
 BOSTON POST. 
 
 MENGTHENING my visit here, you shall have 
 ^ another epistle from these parts. 
 Took a sail down to Black Rocks one hot evening last 
 week; found things all right at this fashionable watering 
 place. There was the Hon. Japhet Dingleton, from 
 New Algiers. Moreover, the two accomplished 
 Misses Dingleton v/ere there, and shone forth like 
 unto two new tin pans !.- The elder was dressed in a 
 light chintz frock, high in the neck, with circular pock- 
 ets in front, bound round with red tape, — into which 
 she would ever and anon thrust her pretty fingers 
 with the air of a princess. Her flaxen hair tied up in 
 a single tress with an eel-skin, gave a tont ensemble to 
 
EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT, 
 
 m 
 
 her classic head. Her substantial pedals were encased 
 in right good kip, and she wore the hose which Mrs. 
 Nature gave her. The younger sported a spick- span 
 new gingham, purchased at Ezra Merrill's — a leetle 
 lo\v in the neck ; a string of glass beads fell over her 
 s\N elling bust, like unto green pease upon a white plat- 
 ter ! There was not a little ogling between the 
 younger, who appeared a trifle coquettish, and a dap- 
 per little skipper from the port of Bellahache. 
 
 The mayor of Dogtown is expected here to-morrow ; 
 the '' keg " has been sent up to " Mark's '* to be re- 
 plenidied, in anticipation of his coming. A grand ball 
 will come off on that occasion ; Israel Turner will be 
 there with his fiddle, and a delegation from the Isle of 
 Shoals is expected. 
 
 Speaking of the Isle of Shoals reminds me of one of 
 the natives, who was caught there, long ago before 
 the place was civilized, 'twas said by a dough-nut tied 
 to a boat-hook, — but I rather doubt it; nevertheless, 
 caught he was, no matter how, and brought to New- 
 buryport, where he expressed the wildest astonishment 
 at all the strange sights. But his wonderment knew 
 no bounds when he saw a horse and chaise go past. 
 He ran into the house of his master, — his eyes expand, 
 ed to the size of a pair of the largest Oldtown onions, 
 — and screamed 4o his highest note, — " Mr. Knapp ! 
 O, Mr. Knapp ! the cow is running off with the wind- 
 mill I " 
 
 This was in olden time — the people are, of course, 
 more enlightened now. Albeit, there may be found 
 
S8 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 some few '' cases " round about these parts in this eii- 
 hghtened age. '' Beautiful weather, sh'," said a min- 
 ister to an old codger, not far from New Algiers, 
 awhile since. '' Yees, yees," replied the fisherman, 
 sich weather as we reads on." " I don't recollect the 
 passage, my dear sir," returned the parson. " Wal, 
 by thunder ! that 'ere's a good un," retorted the 
 man of ichtliyology, '• don't you ever read your alma- 
 nac ? " 
 
 Here's a good ^un about phrenology, which came 
 off here once upon a time. An itinerant in this sci- 
 ence gave a public lecture, interspersed with a few 
 public examinations. A celebrated tonsor of this 
 town came forward and placed himself under the 
 liands of the man of skulls, who, after feeling and rub- 
 bing the cranium, gave our artist attributes diametri- 
 cally opposite from those he possessed; whereupon the 
 man of lather thus spoke out ; " I tell you what, my 
 dear sir, it's my opinion that you might as well under- 
 take to tell who lives in a house by examining the shin- 
 gles upon its roof as tell about a man's brains by 
 feeUng the bumps on his head ! " 
 
WINE TASTING 
 
 89 
 
 WINE TASTING. 
 
 SEVERAL years since, at a certain village in New 
 Hampshire, a disappointed theological stndent — 
 a trifle Aveak in the "upper works" — who had tried 
 his hand at divers callings — such as school-keeping, 
 soUciting subscribers to religious publications, lectur- 
 ing upon phrenology, temperance, &c., — finally took 
 it into his precious noddle to open a store. He was 
 of the temperance school — as well he might be, for a 
 thimblefull of the "ardent" would upset his shallow 
 cocoa-nut ; moreover, he was parsimonious, even to 
 meanness. 
 
 The store was opened in due season ; his goods all 
 well arranged ; mushns, molasses, peppermints, pork, 
 calico, cod-fish, sewing-silk, salt, singing-books, sweet 
 oil, bibles, brown sugar, ginger, gimblets, psalm-books, 
 saltpetre, testaments, tow-cloth, almonds, augurs, (fee. 
 &c., were put in their several places, ready for the 
 campaign ; and our trader stood ready with his spic- 
 span new white neck-cloth, and his hair combed 
 smooth, to wait upon his customers. 
 
 " You haven't any wine ;" said a wag lo our shop- 
 man, after taking a survey of the premises — "you'll 
 have to keep that article for a medicine, or lose the 
 very best custom in the village." 
 
 Our trader thought, probably, that if he lived among 
 the Turks it were well to do as the Turkeys did ; or 
 7 
 
90 HITS AND DA9HE9. 
 
 may be the increase of dimes from the wicked traffic 
 served to turn his weak head — stronger ones than his 
 have been sadly warped by the latter cause — at all 
 events, he consented, and sent off forthwith for a quar- 
 ter-cask of old Madeira — for a *' medicine," and noth- 
 ing else.' 
 
 The delectable liquor arrived ; it was soon rolled 
 in, put upon skids, and tapped ; the latter operation 
 had scarcely been got through with when our wag, 
 who had been on the look-out, again entered the 
 store. " Got your medicine, I see," he observed, ** but 
 are you sure it is good ? " "I bought it for the best," 
 replied the shopman, " just you taste it ; I durst not, 
 you know; besides, I'm no judge of the article.'' 
 " Neither am I," returned the wag ; *' but there are 
 three gentlemen in the village with whom I chance to 
 be acquainted, who are.most excellent judges of wine, 
 and if they pronounce it good, you'll be sure it is all 
 right." 
 
 " Please do me the favor to invite them in," said 
 the vender of varieties. The waggish gentleman was 
 off in a twinkling, and soon returned with three of the 
 finest specimens of bon-vivantSy as could be found in 
 a sabbath-day's journey. These gentlemen had re- 
 ceived a sly notice of this affair that morning, and had 
 dined upon salt fish ; so they were ready to do ample 
 justice to most anything in the shape of liquids — good 
 wine in particular. 
 
 Our shop-keeper took down a wine-glass from his 
 glass-wares, and was about to fill it with the ** glory 
 
WINE TASTING. Wt 
 
 of Madeira," when one of the trio remarked thai it 
 was not easy to judge from a small quantity, and that 
 it required a larger body of the "juice" to test its 
 qualities correctly. Accordingly a half pint tumbler 
 was brought, which one of the " tasters " seized and 
 filled to the brim with the rich liquid — 
 
 " The blood of Madeira's vine!" 
 
 then holding it up to the light, and eyeing it with the 
 air of an old connoisseur, he placed it to his lips, and 
 to the amazement of our temperance and parsimonious 
 trader, swallowed every drop of it, instanter, — then 
 filled the glass again and handed it to one of his com- 
 panions, who followed suit, and gave it to the third, 
 who did hkewise. 
 
 " Well, gents, and what do you think of it ? " quer* 
 ied our vender, as soon as he had recovered from his 
 amazement. " I'll tell you, as soon as I get my mouth 
 in taste;" replied the first man, " you must know that 
 I dined upon fish to-day, and it takes something to 
 quench my thirst — so here goes another ; " and away 
 went th5 second brimmer of the " medicine" to keep 
 company with the first. The others followed the ex- 
 ample of their leader, smacked their lips, said it was 
 not bad to take, — then did up a third round with as 
 great gusto and despatch as the first, and told the as- 
 tonished trader that his wine had quenched their thirst 
 somewhat — that they could perceive no bad taste to it, 
 and if he would take a jug of it into the counting- 
 room, accompanied with some crackers and cheese 
 and a dozen good Spanish cigars, they would then 
 
92 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 and there deliberate upon it, and give their judgment 
 accordingly in good season I 
 
 Our unsophisticated shop-man was thunder-struck! 
 But he found he was " in for it," and could not well 
 back out, so he did as desired — and such a time as 
 they had on't ! Suffice it to say, that after nearly two 
 gallons of his " medicine " had been punished, our tra- 
 der at last got rid of his " tasters " at midnight, by 
 giving each a bottle of the precious juice and a bunch 
 of cigars. Before leaving, however, they gave in their 
 verdict, that the article they had been drinking was 
 wine, good old Madeira wine, nothing else, and, in 
 their opinion, was not bad to take ! 
 
 GRAND "HOP" AT THE OCEAN HOUSE, 
 BLACK-ROCKS. . 
 
 «' Sound the loud timbrel o'er Salisbury's blue waters, 
 A ball at Black-Rocks ! — bring on the fair daughters !" 
 
 FIHE long talked of " hop" at this fashionable re- 
 sort came off with great eclat one evening last 
 week 'Twas emphatically the ball of the season. 
 There was nothing untouched or slightly handled. 
 Manifold were the preparations on this auspicious oc- 
 casion. First and foremost, the " keg" w^as sent up 
 to '' Mark's " to be filled. Evergreen was brought up 
 
GRAND " HOP." 93 
 
 in abundance to trim the spacious hall. Ezra Merrill's 
 store at the point was ransacked to grace the fair forms 
 of Salisbury's daughters; and Mr. Johnson's assortment 
 of jewelry, at Newburyport, contributed no little to the 
 show. Israel Turner, the Dogtown Paganini, w^as 
 ready and willing with his inimitable violin, — and the 
 Guinea minstrel was not behind hand. Even the she- 
 publican of Guinea, Dolly Small, assisted there ; 
 and, antique as she was, answered every lady's beck 
 and call. In short, things ''went merry as the mar- 
 riage bells." 
 
 The bugle now sounded — " On with the dance ! " 
 First on the floor came the admiral of Jappa, with his 
 spouse ; though somewhat in the neighborhood of for- 
 ty, she looked sprightly and rather juvenile withal, — 
 to tell the truth, however, she was somewhat indebted 
 to the Newburyport tonsor, and dressmaker, for her 
 young appearance. This, couple was followed up by 
 their three daughters, the oldest being the belle of Jop- 
 pa ; all, nevertheless, looking fair as the graces. The 
 trio were dressed in pink gingham. "We noticed, also, 
 the accomplished Miss N — y — z, of the former place, 
 attended by a young ropemaker ; we envied him his 
 happiness. En passant, the jew^elry worn by this 
 young lady was valued at nearly one dollar and a halff 
 or twelve shillings York currency ! 
 
 " Rich and rare were the gems she wore ! " 
 
 Yes, they were ! — But, decidedly, the belle of the 
 evening, was the beautiful, the bewitching, the lovely, 
 the brilliant Miss F ^r of S — ab.r-k. She was ac- 
 
#1 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 companied by her parents. Her mother, a daughter of 
 Pomona, long known at the Ferry Store, Newbury- 
 port, as an extensive dealer in whortleberries, took her 
 station at the belle's side, and went through all the fig- 
 ures of the mazy dance, like one long practised in the 
 Terpsichorean art. Though the mother, she presented 
 somewhat a youthful appearance — a full round figure, 
 and, if her face tvas tinted by 
 
 " The shadowed livery of the burning sun ! " 
 
 Still 'twas fair to look upon — open and ruddy. But 
 the daughter I How shall we describe that form ? 
 She seemed not of this earth, but — 
 
 " Like some bright spirit from above, 
 Come down to cheer man's weary way awhile,'' 
 
 Lightly were her limbs fashioned. Her bright flaxen 
 hair — done up on clothes-pins over-night — hung in 
 profuse ringlets over her neck, which, barring a very 
 little tan, was faultless. And, ahhough upon her 
 cheek — 
 
 " Triumpjied the russet brown," 
 
 Still 'twas beautiful. She was dressed in a light mus- 
 lin-de-laine, with manifold flounces, and trimmed 
 around the neck, carried in long points down front 
 and back, nearly to the waist, Avith either a dark yel- 
 low or orange cord — 'twas impossible to tell which, 
 as the two colors resemble each other so nearly, by 
 candle-light. A silver ring upon her fore- finger was 
 the only jewelry she wore. And even that brilliant 
 seemed useless, when she could boast of such a pair 
 
GRAND *'HOP." Vm 
 
 of dazzling eyes — round, black and shining, as two 
 large Seabrook whortleberries, wet with morning 
 dew I Her father, a retired clam-merchant, and a 
 jolly old codger, would sit and watch the sylph-like 
 motions of his darling, as she floated along the lighted 
 hall, — ever and anon winking his larboard weather- 
 beaten eye — and occasionally exclaim, " she'll do ! " 
 Next comes the fascinating Miss E. A. Q. R-e-z-e 
 of N — w A — g — s. She looked lovher than ever. 
 The belle of the evening will have to look sharp at her 
 laurels — for this lass of A — g — s has shaken them 
 some. Moreover, I noticed a few jealous glances ex- 
 changed between these two stars. "When Greek 
 meets Greek," &c. iV' imporie, nothing very serious 
 will grow out of it, I think. This beauty was habited 
 in a very fine Lowell print — cut Ioav in the neck, 
 and — 
 
 " In longitude tho' sorely scanty ! " 
 
 it gave her a decided coquettish and flaunty air — not 
 a little heightened by the briUiant flashes of a mischiev- 
 ous pair of dark hazel eyes — 
 
 " Tliose orbs in liquid circles rolling ! " 
 
 played the very deuce with the yeomanry present. A 
 string of white glass beads encircled each of her beau- 
 tiful wrists, in lieu of bracelets ; and the belt of her 
 frock — studded all over with white spangles — as it 
 reflected the light of the four-and-twenty dipped can- 
 dles, looked hke the girth of Saturn : 
 
 " Where'er she moved, those beads and spangles bright 
 Shed on the scene it's bright and silvery light ! " 
 
S» . HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Come we now to the two Misses F — ddes, of N — a. 
 The elder rejoiced in the possession of a magnificent 
 Dover cahco, fight pink, sprigged with pea green, and 
 mounted with thirteen deep flounces ; while the elder 
 graced a fine looking Manchester chintz, of a fight 
 orange, trimmed very tastily with sky blue gimp. 
 They made rather a rich appearance on the floor, and 
 were very good dancers. By the way, I must not for- 
 get the navy agent's Avife at Bellehache — that fair 
 and wholesome looking lady ; she was dressed in ex- 
 cellent taste, and more costly, as she could well afford 
 it, than any of the assembly. A superb Portsmouth 
 lawn over a fight blue corded robe, made her look 
 neat as a new dory ; in fine, her tout ensemble 
 from the pink turban to the nice white cotton stock- 
 ings, kept up with green lastings, gave her an appear- 
 ance of coming right out of the upper draw ! She 
 wore upon the second finger of her right hand a mas- 
 sive shell ring. Many more of the fair ones present 
 were deserving of notice, but I'll e'en defer them to 
 the next bah, where I shall hope to see them shine 
 forth fike Naiads upon Joppa Flats ! 
 
EPISTLE FROM BYFIELD. 9^ 
 
 AN EPISTLE FROM BYFIELD TO THE 
 BOSTON POST. 
 
 (^IX miles from Newburyport lieth this parish — 
 ^^ fimous for raising jyorA'cr^, plmnp and fat. Many 
 years since, a certain parson who raised a goodly num- 
 ber of these unclean beasts, was putting the old Pres- 
 byterian doctrine down hard, to his congregation, one 
 Sunday, when he and his hearers were disturbed by 
 the appearance of the minister's servant, a colored 
 boy, who ran in hot haste up the pulpit stairs, and 
 whispered to the divine, who immediately cut short 
 his discourse and hastened homewards. Nearly the 
 whole congregation followed him — thinking, of course, 
 that some dire event had happened ; but what was 
 their surprise, when they found the cause of the dar- 
 key's errand — for, lo, and behold ! the female swine 
 had just ushered into this w^orld of trouble a half-score 
 of little piggies, that were busily engaged in exploring 
 the " milky way I " 
 
 jMany is the good frolic that I have enjoyed in this 
 settlement when an urchin ; and many is the old land- 
 mark that minds me of times gone by : 
 
 " There's the mill that grouu'd our ye!lo\v grain ; 
 Pond and river still serenely flowing ; 
 Cot, there nestling in tlie shaded lane ; — 
 There's the gate on which 1 used to swing, 
 With Mary Jane ! " 
 
 Just on the north-west borders of this parish, lielh 
 the famous place for whortleberries, known by the eu- 
 
dB HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 phonious cognomen of Dogtown. The march of in- 
 ternal improvement has now nearly obliterated the 
 strong peculiarities of the natives. Few of the old 
 settlers remain — and they, with their manners and 
 customs are fast fading away. 
 
 I well remember, as many a Newburyport boy can, 
 the only two vehicles that once hailed from Dogtown 
 — old Dame P.'s square-topped chaise, yclept by the 
 urchins, the "mail," — and another carriage of the 
 same fashion, owned in joint stock by a company of 
 whortleberry and herb merchants. Early in the spring, 
 these caravans would make their weekly visits to the 
 port of Newbury — loaded down with all sorts of roots 
 and herbs in all their varieties — literally covering the 
 vehicles — with hugh bunches of sweet-flag hanging 
 pendant on the wooden axles. These, with the whor- 
 tleberries in their season, w^as their staple. The na- 
 tives were clannish, and went in for universal good 
 amongst themselves. Even bribery could not reach 
 them. They raised a very pecuhar cucumber, not to 
 be found elsewhere ; it was early, very rich flavored, 
 and of a singular, smooth exterior. Determined to 
 keep the plant to themselves, as it brought them an 
 excellent income, they resoved, each and every one, 
 never to part with a single seed, upon any considera- 
 tion. A certain grocer of Newburyport once deter- 
 mined that he would procure some of these seeds. 
 Accordingly he commenced making a friend of old 
 dameR., who occasionally came to his store to trade, 
 by treating her to sundry potations of cordial, a plug 
 
EPISTLE FROM BYFIELD. 9^ 
 
 of tobacco, snuff, &c. One day, after the good danae 
 had swallowed two gratuitous bumpers of peppermint 
 cordial for a pain in her stomach, our grocer broached 
 the subject: he told the good dame he knew it was 
 against their rules to part with any of their cucumber 
 seeds — but as he had a friend bound to New Orleans, 
 who wished for some of them to take with him, he 
 thought in that case that she could have no objection, 
 as it could not interfere with their market. The 
 dame promised the grocer the seeds, and got a quarter 
 pound of snuff on the spot, wdth the promise of a bot- 
 tle of cordial upon the delivery of the articles. Next 
 week, true to her word, the dame came with the seeds 
 — delivered them to the grocer — and took her quid 
 pro quo. 
 
 The next season the grocer planted his rare seeds 
 with a deal of care. Cucumber time came, but he 
 ^had not even a vine. He dug up his seeds, but there 
 they lay in the same state as when he planted them ; 
 they had not even began to germinate. When dame 
 R. next called upon the disappointed grocer, he told 
 her that her seeds would not grow. 
 
 " How d'ye know that ? " replied she, " I thought 
 you was going to send 'em off to Orleens." 
 
 " Yes, but I kept a few to try, and see how they 
 were going to work," replied the grocer man. 
 
 *' Didn't ye 'spose I knowed all that," returned the 
 dame, as she took a bouncing pinch of yellow snuff; 
 " you 'port merchants ain't nigh so sharp as you think 
 you be. I know'd what you was up to, so I thought 
 I'd fix ye. I tiled them 'ere seeds ! " 
 
100 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 EPISTLE FROM SOUTH BERWICK, TO 
 THE BOSTON POSr. 
 
 ^JIHIS is one of the old settlements of York county, 
 ^> Me., very pleasantly situated on the Quamphe- 
 gan river ; hill and dale, meadows, fields, streamlets 
 and waterfalls abounding in it. I have passed many 
 a pleasant hour, in days gone by, strolling along the 
 picturesque banks of the river, v/atching 
 
 " The waters as they run 
 Thro' woods and meads, in shade and sun." 
 
 About a mile from the ''landing" is a natural curi- 
 osity called the " great works." It is a large chasm, 
 some two or three hundred feet across the top, forty or 
 fifty across the bottom, and about a hundred deep. 
 The sides are made up of rocks and soil, trees and 
 thick underwood lining it. A waterfall of fifty or six- 
 ty feet comes tumbling dow^n a precipice of rocks at 
 one end of this chasm to a very deep basin below. A 
 nice cool place, as one might well imagine, to sit upon 
 the rocks at the edge of this basin, and watch the wa- 
 ters as they rush, foam and sparkle down the preci- 
 pice. 
 
 There are some rehcs of antiquity about here. A 
 few miles down the river, on its banks, may be seen a 
 score of old graves, with very rude, narrow head- 
 stones, the initials only of their tenants rudely chiselled 
 thereon. Who or w^hat they luere I cannot find out 
 
EPISTLE FROM SOUTH BERWICK. 101 
 
 to a certainty. But they sleep in a quiet spot. The 
 gently rolling waves of Quamphegan kissing the 
 mossy banks of their still resting place. Here — 
 
 " Echo in her airy round, 
 O'er the river, rock and hill, 
 Cannot catch a single sound, 
 Save the clack of yonder mill.' 
 
 The first settlers here were troubled some by the 
 Indians. A blacksmith killed one with his hammer, 
 so it is said ; but I will give the story in Mr. Styles's 
 own words. This old worthy flourished about forty 
 years ago, and many a time has he related the affair 
 to men who are living here now, and to whom I am 
 indebted for the anecdote. He had a peculiar deliv- 
 ery caused by an excess of yellow snuff, Avhich gave a 
 piquancy to his narrative. 
 
 The parson and Mr. Styles met at a wedding one 
 evening, and the divine asked our hero if his sire 
 didn't slay an Indian once. " Yes, he did do that 'ere 
 thig. You see the old mad was at work at his advil. 
 ad jest as he ad put th' irod od it, ad took up his hab- 
 ber to poud, he heard a snap, ad lookig up, seed 
 ad idjin's head pop up behide a log, jest cockig his 
 gud ; quicker 'an lightnig th' old mad Aug his habber, 
 and struck th' idjun od his head, killig him quick in a 
 bobet ! " 
 
 '' Then he slew the son of the forest, did he, Mr. 
 Styles ? " queried the divine. 
 
 " Yes, yes, he killed hib deader thad thudderation I " 
 This Mr. Styles was in the habit of imbibing some, 
 
102 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 and occasionally would come home with a *' brick " in 
 his hat. His wife, who was never of the sweetest tem- 
 per, would flare up on such occasions awfully. 
 
 " Go out of the house,'^ said the termigant to her 
 lord and master one day, as he reeled in, as well as 
 he could from the effects of divers potations of New 
 England. 
 
 " Shadt do addy sichthig, Mrs. Styles," replied our 
 hero. 
 
 " If you don't," roared forth the shrew, " I'll knock 
 you through the side of the house, carrying away the 
 posts, braces, clapboards, and all ! " 
 
 *' Ah, Mrs. Styles," returned the delinquent hus- 
 band, " there's a law agid that, you'll fide, deped up- 
 od it. Yes, there's a law agid a wife's knockig her 
 husbad thro' the side of the house, carry ig away posts, 
 braces, clapboards, and all, deped on't ! " 
 
 This village is getting modernized, more and more 
 every year. It is fast losing its old landmarks. Some 
 old citizen will die, then his estate will undergo a 
 change. I remember some sixteen or eighteen years 
 since, an old lady owned a delapidated house right in 
 the midst of the factory company's land, where they 
 intended to build a large block of boarding houses. 
 They thought she asked too much for it. She thought 
 otherwise. The agent told some one, in a jocose 
 way, that he thought the company had belter give the 
 old lady as much gin as she wanted — she being very 
 fond of the liquor — and that might hurry her out of 
 the way, so they could get her land at a reasonable 
 
EPISTLE FROM MIDDLETON. 
 
 i^ 
 
 price. It soon got to her ears, and she immediately 
 sent word to the agent that she wished they would 
 try it ! 
 
 AN EPISTLE FROM MIDDLETON, N. H., TO 
 THE BOSTON POST. 
 
 " Red light shone on the hill-tops, — 
 Red light danced in the trees." 
 
 OBIN-RED-EREAST and Rob O' Lincoln 
 
 poured forth their morning hymn in rich liquid 
 notes — whilst a full choir of the different feathered 
 songsters joined in full chorus — John Crow did the 
 sub-bass. The golden sun now rolled up from behind 
 Agamenticus in all its spl'endor — rich, round and yel- 
 low as one of Mrs. Colbath's premium cheeses ! The 
 dew-drops sparkled in the golden light ! 
 
 Myself made one of a party on a Moose Mountain 
 expedition. After riding a few miles over a rough- 
 and-tumble road, embellished with sundry and divers 
 gridiron bridges, we came to the base of the mountain 
 where we hitched our horses and struck-out on foot. 
 Verily, 'twas the roughest path I ever trod. From 
 the base to the summit of this vast pile of earth and 
 granite, is a good long mile. After ascending about 
 fifty rods, we halted for the ladies to rest — while the 
 
104 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 guide and myself went to the " gulley " to procure 
 water. What a chasm ! There is nothing among the 
 White Mountains that will surpass this gulph m wild- 
 ness. Gigantic rocks piled forth in dire confusion — 
 recesses for wild cats and bears — overhanging clifife 
 — broken trees, over which we had to cross from 
 point to point of the rugged granite. After crossing, 
 walking and leaping awhile along our craggy, zig-zag 
 path, we soon came to the deepest and remotest re- 
 cess of this chasm, where, sheltered by a huge rock, 
 from the crevices of this awful mountain, 
 
 " Waters, pure as diamond drops, 
 In a stone-basin fell I " 
 
 What a cooling and refreshing place after a long 
 tramp, on a hot summer's day I After a short tarry 
 at this wild place, we soon joined our friends, with a 
 share of the cooling drink we had brought from the 
 den, then resumed our march for the summit. 
 
 I never worked harder — 'twas almost impossible to 
 scale those nearly perpendicular ledges. We had to 
 take off our shoes to do anything at it. I broke both 
 my suspenders, scratched the skin from my hands, and 
 tore my trowsers I One of the ladies lost her bustle 
 in the perilous ascent — the strings of her companion's 
 linsey-woolsey gave Avay, and thai garment went roll- 
 ing down the steep precipice ! " Even the guide's 
 knit " gallusses " *' gi'n out ! " 
 
 " Sicli a gittin' up stairs you never did see ! " 
 
 Finally, after a heap of '' double toil and trouble " we 
 
EPISTLE FROM MIDDLE TON. 105 
 
 reached the awful summit of Moose Mountain. A 
 magnificent panorama was spread out before us. 
 Lake Winnipisseogee on the right, with its manifold 
 islands, " laughed upon the sky ! " A little to the left 
 of that, lay in all its lovehness, the clear, calm waters 
 of Merry-meeting Pond — 
 
 " Slumbering o'er sands of pearly whiteness ! '' 
 
 From that wild summit the host of granite hills of 
 New Hampshire stood in array before us. 'Tuas a 
 splendid sight ! A peculiar sensation is apt to seize 
 me as I stand upon one of these mountains — with 
 lungs inflated with pure oxygen, I look down upon 
 the pigmy forms beneath my feet, and am ready to 
 exclaim with the militia officer upon Mount Washing- 
 ton, " 'Tention, the universe ! " 
 
 It is a rocky country — albeit, there be some 
 good farms round about this region ; and they would 
 be much better if the young people would stay at 
 home and help to take care of them. It is almost im- 
 possible to get a girl to do house-work here — they 
 had much rather go into a pestilent cotton mill, or 
 make hhirts in a village or city for six-pence a piece. 
 At the tavern in Farmington, the town adjoining this, 
 a young man tends the table and does the chamber- 
 work, — and I hear he has had a good offer to serve 
 in the capacity of " w^et nurse ! " 
 
 O, ye wayward daughters of the Granite State ! go 
 back to your native hills — cheer up your lone fathers 
 8 
 
1Q6 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 and^mothers, and regard your health — enliven the 
 rough country by your sweet presence, and 
 
 " Make her barren rocks and her bleak 
 Mountains smile ! " 
 
 EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
 BOSTON POST. 
 
 INEXHAUSTIBLE was the widow's pot of oil, 
 ^fe mentioned in the holy writ, and likewise inex- 
 haustible seemeth the anecdotes of eccentric charac- 
 ters, stored up in this old settlement. 
 
 Among all these characters, none have figured so 
 conspicuously, and no one has had so little justice 
 done him as Timothy Dexter. In a letter to the Post 
 last summer, I gave a sketch of a few of his benevo- 
 lent deeds, which had heretofore been hid under a 
 bushel ; and I have raked up a few more, which shall 
 be rescued from oblivion. 
 
 Timothy Dexter was anything but a fool. Every- 
 thing he took hold of worked well ; not by luck, as 
 some folks have said, but by most excellent judgment. 
 He bought up the state notes of Massachusetts, when 
 they were at the lowest ebb, and gave as his reasons 
 for doing so, that if the state ever came up and flour- 
 
KPISTLE FROM NEWBURPORT. 10"? 
 
 ishecl, she of course would redeem her paper ; if, oh 
 the contrary, she went down, why, he and the people 
 and his property would all go to the devil together ! 
 Of course, the old Bay State came right side up, and 
 Dexter reaped a golden harvest. 
 
 Dexter once had a challenge sent him to fight a du- 
 el ; with the judgment of a philosopher, he enquired if 
 his antagonist was worth as much property as himself, 
 as it would not be a fair thing for him to fight at noth- 
 ing — to " pit" a fortune against a beggar ! 
 
 If the old settlement had been blessed with a few 
 more as generous and public spirited men as Dexter, it 
 might have been something, and kept its head above 
 water. He did not send his money to Italy for statu- 
 ary chiselled by a foreign artist, but he employed a 
 young townsman, just beginning life, to carve images 
 of our best public men from native wood, to adorn his 
 republican mansion. Furthermore, he offered to 
 build a splendid hall and give it to this town, provided 
 they would christen it " Dexter Hall." But the stiff- 
 necked and straight- waistcoated old puritans, in the 
 plenitude of their grace and profound wisdom, spurn- 
 ed his generous offer with a holy horror, because it 
 came from Dexter, the eccentric Timothy, who did not 
 wear leather breeches and belong to a Presbyterian 
 church. O, those self-righteous old fools ! They had 
 heads — and so had Dexter's images. 
 
 O, Timothy ! thy weaknesses have been blazoned 
 forth to the world, whilst thy good and bencvo ent ac- 
 tions have been written in the sands, and thy riianifold 
 
lOS HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 charities nearly forgotten. But, Avhile I live, I'll take 
 every opportunity to do thee justice, and strive to 
 
 «' Weed the nettles from thy grave I " 
 
 Billy Watkins was a queer genius. He flourished 
 about the same time as Dexter. He lived in Dead- 
 man's Lane, as he facetiously termed the quid street 
 at the lower end of the I own w^here he was domiciled. 
 
 Billy offered to give a vane to be put upon the spire 
 of Mr. Giles's church, provided they would let him 
 get one up to suit his own fancy. His design was, to 
 have the tigure of a saint in the centre, for the spindle 
 to run ihrough ; perched upon the tip of the small end 
 of the vane was to be an angel, facing the saint with 
 outslietched arms, ready to receive and succour the 
 saint, ere the devil, which was to occupy the other ex- 
 tremity of ll^.e vane, could beat up to windward ! 
 
 Billys journal of the w^eathiu* was a rich document. 
 Among the Uiany queer entries in which it aboundeth, 
 was hi.s notice of twenty-eight consecutive days of 
 north-east wind — at the foot of the page, he had 
 written in a bold round hand — one eternal north- 
 
 EASTIR ! 
 
 I have picked up another anecdole about Charley 
 G,, the mad wag who swapped the water for liquor at 
 Peler Morse's — which story you will recollect I did 
 up for the Post L^st winter. Charley took a field to 
 plant ai halves. At harvest time, the owner came for 
 his share of ihe produce, but the wicked wag told him 
 very coolly that he was sorry there was none f(^r him, 
 
EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT. 109 
 
 as the land did not yield but half a crop, and of course 
 the cuhivalor was entitled to the first chance ! 
 
 EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT TO THE 
 BOSTON POST. 
 
 OW you managed to get through the hot weath- 
 er of this week in Boston, I know not, — but 
 we have had a seige of it here, I assure you. Old Sol 
 reigned supreme ; like unto one of Wilhston's double- 
 gilt buttons, he shone forth in all his brightness I The 
 sky roseml)!ed orrj immense sheet of lilngli-!) yellow 
 metal! Even the m.-^on looked as if she had been on 
 a spree — her face bearing the similitude to the back 
 of a pinchbeck watch — or like the renowned phiz of 
 Sir John Falstaff after he hadswallowed his sixteenth 
 glass of sack ! W-h-e-w ! those were mehing limes. 
 The ladies t hrew off their straight-bodied dresses — and 
 en dishabel/e was the order of the day. Fish, oysters 
 and clams did uol improve by age — and fresh water 
 eels from up country were at discount. Old cheese 
 was llvehj^ and strong butter was dull. Dolly Small 
 took in her sign of " baked beans and sassingers," and 
 replaced it wtth '' spruce and ginger beer." " Roast 
 pork — fat!" ceased to be called for at the resto- 
 
110' HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 rants — and sandwiches were in good demand. The 
 very grease was dried up from the axles of the car- 
 r ages, and the dry wheels, hke unto the old ghosts 
 we read of, did 
 
 " Squeak and gibber in the dusty streets ! " 
 
 Mint-juleps were at premium — and f^herry cob- 
 bl is were swallowed by teetotallers and anti-teetotal- 
 lers — yea, verily, even the very temperance m,en did 
 call for punch ! 
 
 As for myself, I took up my line of march for the 
 environs, among 
 
 " The lone paths neath' cooling shadows;" 
 
 and from thence to Plum Island — 
 
 " "Where old ocean, wildly dashingf, 
 Pours his broad flood upon the shore ! '* 
 
 where, finally, I made myself tolerably comfortable 
 over one of my friend Thompson's "juleps." 
 
 But thanks for this rainy day, which has cooled off 
 this iTiighly heat, so that I can once more sit down 
 comrorlable and " take my pen in hand to let you 
 know,' 6cc. 
 
 To-morrow I take a trip over to New Algiers. You 
 will recollect I sent you an anecdote, last summer, 
 with a description of their vernacular. Queer place 
 that. The natives are all engaged in the fishing-trade, 
 and do business upon the community system. As 
 soon as the fishing season is over, and llu ir piscatory 
 spoils disposed of for cash — these men form a circle, 
 
EPISTLE FROM NEWBURYPORT. Ill 
 
 and their chief leader stands in the middle thereof with 
 the '' smiling chinking heap," which he deals out in 
 this wise : — the dollars are dealed as many times as 
 they will go round, — then the halves — the quarters 
 next, followed up by the small change and coppers, — 
 the odd pieces left, are put into the public treasury for 
 improving the settlement. A public well was built 
 last year with the overplus ; and this year, if they have 
 good luck, a curb, sweep, bucket and trough will be 
 added thereunto. 
 
 The good wives of these honest fishermen help their 
 lords and masters by picking berries, which the place 
 aboundeth in, and bringing them to this town to sell. 
 Every fall, immediately after the fishing season, a se- 
 ries of dancing levees come off at the different houses 
 there. It is amusing to be present at a store here 
 when these ladies come to make their fall purchases. 
 One lady, last fall, came into a certain store to pur- 
 chase her varieties, comir.encing with an enquiry 
 for some " niiiepenn y-calico-for-ten-c-e-n-t-s ! " and 
 <i< how many-yards-w i 1 l-it-take-to-make-a-switch-tail- 
 g'.'uavvn!" '* What's that?" queried the vender. 
 "Why," resumed the damsel, "a geuawn with 
 f-l-a-u-w-n-c-e-s ! " " And Mr. Daven-p-o-r-t," con- 
 tinued the fair purchaser, " I-wants-to-buy-some-bu- 
 gle-m-u-t." " Borgamot, Miss Souter," replied the 
 trader. " Yes-yes-ihat's-it," chimed in the fair Alge- 
 rine — " Bugle-m-o-t-e — you know — the-s t u f f-lo- 
 make-the-hair-smell-like-a-jilly-f-1-e-a-u-w-e-r I " 
 
 " And-Mister-Daven-p-o-r-t, " added the pride of 
 
H2 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Algiers — " I-wants-some-of-that-ere-s-h-i-f-ting — sich- 
 as-Phebe-Deauw-had — iiot-sich-as-you-sold-me-lasl- 
 f-a-1-1, — for-that-'ere-was-so-slimsy-it-stuck-to-my-back- 
 jdke-a-bean-l-e-a-f ! " 
 
 THE CONFESSION. 
 
 CLOUD seemed to pass suddenly over the fea- 
 tures of Maria. The lustre forsook her dark 
 eyes. Her spirit seemed troubled. 
 
 ^' Triumphs the lilj' now, on that young cheek 
 Where bloomed the rose." 
 
 Ten times that evening did Edward iniportune her 
 to acquaint him with the cause of her sadness, but not 
 a word escaped her fair lips. Sadly and silently she 
 sat ; — 
 
 <' And now and then a sigh she stole, 
 And tears began to flow." 
 
 " Breathes there a wretch " so base as to injure you 
 — my dearest — by word or action? Tell me — and 
 by thine heart, as pure as heaven ! I swear, never to 
 rest till I have redressed thy wrongs ! Is any awful 
 mystery locked up in that bosom, that I must not 
 know ? Tell me the secret, and, by the ringlets of thy 
 hair! I will swear never to reveal it, though the most 
 
DIJAPPOINTMENT AND TEARS. 113 
 
 infernal torments rack me ! Pour out thy soul — lell 
 thine own Edward, ivhatlies heavy in ihy breast? 
 
 She blushed — she placed her fair hands across her 
 snowy bosom — looked languidly into her lover's 
 face, and sofily — " like the last breathings of an ex- 
 piring saint" — she thus confessed: " 'Tis them 
 *ere darned green appples, Ned !" 
 
 DlSAPPOINTxMENT AND TEARS. 
 
 y^URINU the years 1813-15, a Nantucket fish- 
 ^^ ernian, finding himself thrown out of his em- 
 ployment in consequence of the embargo, and being 
 an enterprising man, started for Ohio, cleared a piece 
 of wild land — built a log house, and soon got his lit- 
 tle farm in quite a thriving condition. This being 
 done, he returned to Nantucket for his family, and told 
 his wife he had purchased a fine country seat, and de- 
 scribed it with all the enthusiasm of a romantic narra- 
 tor. His wife was anxious to see the land of promise 
 — they lost no time in packing up their goods, which 
 were put in a covered wagon drawn by a favorite 
 black mare, which served the family for many years, 
 
114 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 and proceeded on their journey. When they got into 
 the stale of Ohio, every handsome hous^e they saw, 
 the good lady would earnestly enquire, "is that the 
 house ? " " Oh no," said the man, '' ours is far supe- 
 rior to any we have yet passed." After riding through 
 the woods for several rr.iks, he halted before his own 
 log calin, and told his wife and children to alight and 
 walk in. " What I is this the house ? " she exclaimed 
 in surprise. On being told it was, she burst into tears, 
 — th»' (hildren, too, began to weep, — and, said the 
 fisherman, '*By G — the old mare cried too I " 
 
 The consummation. 
 
 5fT was twilight. Seated at the door of a moss- 
 ^^ covered cottage, was the pride of the village — 
 lovely Phoebe. Her finely moulded form — her ex- 
 quisite and voluptuous lust — her classic and beauti- 
 fully chisseled features — her sweet lips — teeth of 
 pearly whiteness — and such eyes ! two drops of liquid 
 azure set in snow! all combined — 'twas enough to 
 meh the very soul of an anchorite ! 
 
 Ees'd ■ this angel, knelt a youth, whose cheek, pale 
 as ashes, lold the tale — he was in love! 
 
THE CONSUMMATION. 115 
 
 " Tell me, suid he, in trembling accents, '' tell me 
 this night my fate. Keep me in agony no longer. 
 Tell me what sacrifice I shall undergo for you — you, 
 my soul's idol ! Command me to perform a pilgrim- 
 age around this earth on turning coals, and it shall be 
 done. Anything — anything — but cast me not off. 
 Plant a dagger in my heart, but keep me in suspense 
 no longer ! Say, lovely Phoebe — will you — ivill you 
 be mine? " 
 
 He trembled — his heart throbbed — she saw he 
 was ready to swoon — a crimson flush mantled her 
 cheek — 
 
 " Like the rich sunset 'neath Italians sky ! " 
 
 She took his hand in her tiny fingers — put her smi- 
 hng lips to his ear, and whispered — " Obcd ! I shant 
 be noikifi else! " 
 
 YE MAN WITH YE CARPET-BAGGE : 
 
 YE CONTENTS THEREOF BROVGHT TO LIGHTE. 
 
 AN PHCEBUS had reined up hi.s steeds, and 
 given them their supper of chop-feed and good 
 fresh hay. Sweet Cynthia, with the very smallest 
 morsel of rouge upon her lovely cheek, rose from her 
 ocean bed, nice and fresh as a ball of new June but- 
 ter, — lighting up the sand hills of Plum Island — " tip- 
 ping the rough oulhnes of " Black-Rocks " with her 
 
11(5 HITS AND DASHES, 
 
 soft and mellow light — casting a broad stream of 
 liquid brightness around the " breakwater,," and sil- 
 vering the manifold window-panes at the settlement of 
 Joppa. Now came forth Hesperus, " neat, trinaly 
 dressed," and the whole constellation winked, blinked 
 and tw.nkled " blythe and gay." 
 
 ^Twas at this interesting hour that a middle sized, 
 pale, and rather elderly gentleman, with a slight 
 blush upon his nose, clad in a suit of rusty black, 
 alighted from the cars at the Newburyport station, 
 from a western tour, and taking up his inseparable 
 companion — the well-worn travelling bag, trudged 
 onward to the principal public house. "Upon reaching 
 the hotel, our veteran laid his carpet-bag gingerly 
 down on the steps of the piazza, and went straightway 
 into the house in order to negotiate for a short tarry 
 there. Bui O, unfortunate man ! Reluming — lo, and 
 behold ! ihe carpet-bag was not. A young man, who 
 sat smoking a " regalia," told this man of travail that 
 the driver of the Dogtown mail coach had just driven 
 off, and as the mail-bag lay near by, he probably took 
 the carpet-bag in lieu of it. More in sorrow than in 
 anger did the wanderer receive this sad intelhgerice, 
 and setting his face Dogtownwards, trudged unwearily 
 onward. 
 
 At the upper end of the town, our poor Vv^ight en- 
 countered the eccentric teamster , — " Tell me," quoth 
 he, " thou man clad in a smock-frock, — tell me, and 
 direct my steps to Dogtown." George, with finger 
 to the side of his proboscis, told his interrogator very 
 
YE MAN WITH YE CARPET-BAG. 117 
 
 gravely that Pearson's mills lay over Ihere^ poiniing 
 soulh-westeily. Our traveller then bent his steps in 
 the direction of " over iherc^^ and by great good luck 
 chanced to reach the Dogtown post office at ten p. m., 
 where he found the post mistress busily engaged in as- 
 sorting the contents of his truant carpet-bag. Had it 
 been a post master^ the world would still have remain- 
 ed in ignorance of the contents of that mysterious bag ; 
 but tht.nks to the curiosity of this daughter of Eve, I 
 am enabled to lay the inventory of the long-hidden 
 mysteries before a curious public : — 
 
 ITEMS. 
 
 One shirt without collar or hosom. 
 
 Two collars and bosoms. 
 
 One pair of sh( es — somewhat worn. 
 
 One pair of blue yarn stockings. 
 
 One pair of drawers and one flannel shirt. 
 
 Shaving apparatus, including pocket looking glass. 
 
 Hair, loDth and shoe brushes, and box of paste blacking. 
 
 A small piece of yellow soap. 
 
 Needle, thread, sewing-silk, thimble, and bit of bees'-wax. 
 
 Cotton night cap with border. 
 
 Ball of yarn and darning-needle. 
 
 One dozen shirt-buttons. 
 
 Roll of parchment filled out in tiie Sanscrit. 
 
 A slice of old cjieese. 
 
 Roll of .\ SS. in Latin and Hebrew. 
 
 A pocket Bible in Greek. 
 
 One fine-tocth ivory comb. 
 
 A small quantity of gingerbread. 
 
 Cotton M-ither's Mngnalia, in two vols, octavo. 
 
 Pilgrim's Progress 
 
 Sternhold and Hopkins's collection of Fsalma and Hymn."?. 
 
 Half of a baker's roll. 
 
118 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Half quire of foolscap, two quill pens, and vial of black ink, 
 
 Baxter's Call. 
 
 A poor man's plaster. 
 
 Small lot of barley candy. 
 
 A temperance tract. 
 
 And last, though not least — would it have been be- 
 lieved — rolled up in a copy of the Puritan, was found 
 a bottle of -'Otardl" 
 
 The articles were immediately replaced, an apology 
 offered by the post mistress for overhauling this queer 
 mail, and granted by the persecuted possessor. The 
 lady then invited our wanderer to spend the night at 
 her domicil, and in the words of Bunyan, " The Pil- 
 grim they laid in an upper chamber, whose windows 
 opened towards the sun-rising ; the name of the cham- 
 ber was peace ; where he slept \ill break of day, and 
 then he awoke and sang." 
 
A RESPOx\SE. 119 
 
 A RESPONSE. 
 
 HAD been reading very late one evening, about 
 the " spirit rappers," who have set the wonder- 
 struck wonderers agog, of late, as well as some others. 
 Suddenly, an indescribable sensation of drowsiness 
 stole over me, and I was soon lost in the misty mazes 
 of Morpheus. I dreamed that I was sitting in "ye 
 Morss howse," at Newburyport, the first place of ren- 
 dezvous for "ye unseen spirits" and witches in New 
 England. Save the mono oiious clicking of the old 
 eight-day clock that stood in one corner of the room, 
 and the occasional snap o!' the List remnant of a back- 
 log, all was hush. 
 
 Well, thought I, things have cha iged here somewhat 
 since Cotton Mather's day ; everything in this room 
 — -once the scene of all manner of strange pranks 
 most strangely played — i> n w as c;uiet as the quiet- 
 est body might wish. Ah ! those were rare times, 
 when old Gaffer Morss's " inke home did fly about 
 ye roome, lyke as if itt was possessed with ye dyvel," 
 and when " ye potte did tiop, e and. dance and skippe 
 around ye roome," all to thsir great amazement ! But 
 those days of superstition are passed and gone, and 
 witchcraft has gone down to the grave, with the old 
 fools who believed in it. At that moment, I heard one 
 — two — three, distinct raps upon the old oaken table 
 
120 HITS AND DASHES, 
 
 beside me, and immediately the antique candlestick 
 thereon did twirl about with the velocity of a top, the 
 flame of the twenty-four-to-the-pound dipped candle 
 therein, burning with a most brilliant ultramarine lint. 
 One loud rap, the candlestick ceased its gyrations, the 
 flame of the tallow luminary "paled its fire," and all 
 again was still. Another distinct rap — like the Gaelic 
 chieftain. I sprang upon my feet, and exclaimed, " Thy 
 name and purpose?" Rap, rap again. By the aid 
 of the alphabet I learned that 'twas the spirit of Lord 
 Timothy Dexter. 
 
 He had come to tender me his thanks for vindica- 
 ting his character as I had done — in reminding the 
 cold, heartless, self-righteous, narrow-minded, ungrate- 
 ful old hunkers of his manifold charities, and his mag- 
 nanimous public spirit, when on earth in the flesh. 
 Rest in peace, generous spirit, I replied- — so long as 
 this town existeth, so long will the product of that fund 
 thou didst bequeath the poor and needy, who have 
 kept theniselves from the alms-house, cheer and glad- 
 den the heart of many a poor widow, who shall, from 
 her grateful heart, as she partaketh of thy bounty, send 
 up thanks to ihy good and kindly spirit! 
 
 Rap, again ; it was Billy Watkins's spirit ; he had 
 just called to pay me his compliments. A bouncing 
 rap! Parson Milton," w^as the response: "and," re- 
 plied the spirit of the old parson, " I don't thank you 
 for telling !so many anecdotes about me ; d'ye tear ! " 
 
 Rap, rap, rap, rap — thicker and faster — some I 
 could recognize, others I could not make out distinct- 
 
A RESPONSE. 121 
 
 ly ; but many, I knew, were spirits of the olden school, 
 who whilom did flourish in the flesh in this good old 
 town, that had come to greet me. A short pause now 
 ensued; but in a few moments — rap! bang!! 
 whang I ! ! sounded upon the floor of the kitchen, " so 
 loud and dread ! " that it seemed to shake the old 
 building from sill to ridgepole. With no little trepid- 
 ation, I demanded what spirit had now com3, that 
 
 " Roared so loud and thundered in the index ! " 
 
 With reverence did I bow mine head, even unto the 
 floor, and hold in my breath, when this transcendent 
 spirit responded — " Andrew Jackson ! " '' And what 
 is your bidding ? 'M queried of the old sage, warrior 
 and patriot. By Jove's imperial thunder-bolts ! such 
 loud responses ! when the General rapped or rather 
 thundered out — '^ The Union ! by the Eternal ! don't 
 split it ! " 
 
 9 
 
122 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 SPIRIT CHIROGRAPHY. 
 
 In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote 
 over against the candlestick upon the plaster of the wall of the king's 
 palace : and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote. — Daniel 
 chap, v., verse 5. 
 
 NEW marvel comes up, and we slow believers 
 have just begun, after investigating it thorough- 
 ly in all its parts, phases and ramifications, to give it 
 the slightest credit, when lo ! like unto the plant in the 
 vision of Pescaro, it has grown to a hundred times its 
 original size, making a corresponding demand upon 
 our slow growing faith. So with the spirit rappings. 
 
 According to Mr. Fernald and some other disciples 
 to the faith, this spiritual wonderment has now nearly, 
 if not fully, reached its cUmax ; for they tell us that the 
 spirits now write upon tissue paper, placed up against 
 the under part of the table ! That announcement 
 staggered what little faith I had been months in col- 
 lecting ; which, altogether, might have been stowed 
 away, close and safe in the remotest corner of the 
 shell of a mustard seed. But now the thing has been 
 tested — proved to a demonstration — so, skeptics, 
 avaunt ! and dark infidelity, turn pale ! 
 
 A soiree came off at the hotel of Mrs. Dorothy 
 Small at '' Guinea," on Monday evening last. Dur- 
 ing a pause in the dancing, the " minstrel," by request, 
 did up " Old Uncle Ned." He had just got well into 
 
SPIRIT CHIROGRAPHY. ]»33 
 
 this exquisite melody, when an accompaniment of 
 " knockings " was distinctly heard to proceed from 
 under the table. The whole company were amazed 
 beyond measure, and so affrighted that '' the joints of 
 their loins were loosed, their knees smote one against 
 the other," and they stood speechless, with 
 
 " Extending eye-balls rolling in white ! " 
 
 Peter Tusang was the first to break silence. This 
 g'emman told the company that " he had had de pleas- 
 ure to be present at seberal ob de sperit rappings, 
 mong de fus cullered cirkels in Bosting ; and de 
 comp'ny need n't neber be ' feared ob noffin,' for if 
 dey will jes' keep still, he will endebber to find out 
 who de sperit be, — else to ' stop dat knockin' altoged- 
 der, intirely ! ' " Mr.' Tusang then advanced towards 
 the table from whence proceeded the rappings, pulled 
 up his shirt collar, run his fingers through his wool, 
 then, throwing the whole weight of his body upon his 
 right leg — his left a little advanced, his right arm a 
 trifle extended, with the hand open, the left arm 
 akimbo, and with his woolly " cocoa-nut " a little 
 a-jaunt — he, with the dignity of a commanding chief? 
 demanded, " what sperit '^twas dat had come to visit 
 this sembly, makin' de ladies and gemmen shake in 
 dere petticoats an' trowserloons, like jujube paste or 
 Guaba jellies, an' dere eyes to spand bigger dan 
 Shanghai hens' eggs ? " 
 
 [Knock I knock!] Peter called over the alphabet 
 from A to Z, but no responses came. " Rudder guess 
 
124 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 you can't do nuffin wid dat ere game," exclaimed one 
 of the company ; '' p'raps de sperit nebber knowed him's 
 letters." " De "'telligent sperits, ladies and gemmen," 
 continued Mr. Tusang, " had on'y jes one way to tell 
 us who dey am, till tudder day, I heerd as how dat 
 dey can write ; but if dis sperit can't do either, den 
 what am we to do ? dat am de question now 'fore dis 
 'sembly." " Fse got it ! " shouted the '' minstrel ; " 
 " let dis 'ere sperit get anodder sperit dat can write to 
 he]p it.*' Mr, Tusang then called for a sheet of tissue 
 paper ; but even a scrap of common white paper was 
 not to be found in the house ; the very fly-leaves from 
 the only volume in the domicil, " music for the violin," 
 were gone. Finally, as the last resort, a shingle was 
 produced, and clapped underneath and up against the 
 table. A succession of raps followed ; the knockings 
 ceased ; the shingle was removed, and laid upon the 
 table ; when, to the astonishment of the ebony crowd, 
 chalked upon its face in bold characters, stood re- 
 vealed — 
 
 his 
 
 Uncle X Ned I 
 
 mark 
 
MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 125 
 
 MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 
 
 " Augurs and soothsayers, astrologers, 
 Diviners, and interpreters of dreams, 
 I ne'er consult, and heartily despise : 
 Vain their pretence to more than human skill ; 
 For gain, imaginary schemes they draw ; 
 Wand'rers themselves, they guide another's steps. 
 And for poor sixpence promise countless wealth ; 
 Let them, if they expect to be believed. 
 Deduct the sixpence, and bestow the rest." — Ennius. 
 
 'O matter how ridiculous the hobby that is brought 
 out, there can be found plenty of riders, ready 
 to stride the nag, gallop and ride away, leaving com- 
 mon sense and reason to " tottle " a-foot, as best they 
 can. 
 
 Some of our transcendant transcendental wiseacres, 
 with their big bump of marvellousness, swollen almost 
 to the capacity of a premium pumpkin, are congratu- 
 lating themselves that they have reached the climax of 
 wonders now in the nineteenth century — fairly out- 
 stripping our forefathers, and the ancients before them, 
 in all that is marvellous. Fools ! Just let them read 
 only as far as the Salem witchcraft, of the doings, 
 mystifications, wonderments, twistified twistifications, 
 
 " Quips and cranks and wanton wiles," 
 
 and all the divers and manifold ramifications of the 
 bewitched and bewizarded ones of those days that 
 
.126 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 tried men's souls — aye, and bodies, too — then com- 
 pare them v^ith " these weak piping times," and 
 they must exclaim — " O, New England I thou hast 
 lost the breed of noble witches I " 
 
 Let us compare feats — a few of them. The spirits 
 now, it is said, will remove a table a few inches. 
 Pooh ! that's nothing. Why, I have it, myself, from 
 living witnesses, good men and true, that at the house 
 of one Deacon Spafford, at Rowley, Mass., a big 
 meal-chest did, without any human aid whatsoever, 
 traverse, sundry times, the garret floor, from one end 
 thereof to the other, and with six men upon it ! Think 
 of that, ye modern goblins, and show^ forth no more 
 your weak and puny powers ! 
 
 Rap upon the table, forsooth I Wasn't there a 
 shower of " brickes, stickes and stones " rattled against 
 the windows of ''ye old Morss howse," at Newbury 
 — that Cotton Mather tells us of in his truthful (?) 
 Magnolia ? Yes, even the very hog was affected, for 
 he walked into the house of his own accord, and 
 moreover, strange to say, was very willing to go out ! 
 The spinning wheel, there, was up-tipped — goodman 
 Morss's awl flew up the chimney, and anon would de- 
 scend again, all by some unseen ponder. And a string 
 of sausages that hung in the chimney-corner went up 
 the chimney, flying through the air — perhaps for a 
 feast to these missionaries of "ye dyvil I " 
 
 After very many solicitations, I, a short time since, 
 went to hear the " mysterious rappings." It was at a 
 certain domicil at the " South end," where spirits do 
 
MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 
 
 1^7 
 
 nightly congregate. An oblong table stood in the 
 centre of the floor, and a round dozen of us, men and 
 women, were seated around it, waiting in breathless 
 silence for the ghosts of the departed to " squeak and 
 gibber ! " The conductor of the farce told us, very 
 gravely, that we must keep our minds in spiritual 
 trim, and aloof from things of earth, as much as possi- 
 ble ; those obeying these rules the most strictly, would 
 have the best responses. Thereupon, two-thirds of the 
 visages of this magic circle elongated to the longitudes 
 of so many loins of veal ! I cannot tell what the others 
 of this wonder-seeking company were thinking of, 
 but my mind flew from one thing to another, on any 
 but spiritual themes. At first, I gazed upon the good- 
 looking, buxom little witch — the medium — • 
 
 "And fell to such perusal of her face, 
 As I would draw it." 
 
 Then upon the countenances in general, round about 
 the table — one, I was sure was jolly — two were 
 thinking of anything but spiritual afftiirs — most, I 
 know, were serious — and one poor wight appeared 
 
 " Pale as his shirt ; his knees knocking each other ; 
 And with a look so piteous in purport, 
 As if he had been loosed out of hell 
 To speak of horrors ! " 
 
 The solemn and sable conclave of the Belknap 
 street colored circle of rappers now flashed across my 
 mind ; I was forced to bite my tongue nearly through 
 to avoid a giggle. Lastly, the ridiculously sober ap- 
 
128 
 
 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 pearance of us seated in " awful state " in that mock 
 solemnity, made me feel as if I would gladly sell my- 
 self for a crossed sixpence. Such was the state of my 
 mind — the only spiriUialiiy about my brain, was the 
 effect of a bouncing glass of old Madeira, which I had 
 the precaution to take before I went there — to pre- 
 vent any of the spiriiuals striking at my stomach ! 
 
 'Twas now time to commence. Being nearest the 
 medium, 1 was told to begin. '' If there be any thing 
 here in the shape or condition of a spirit, it will 
 obhge me by manifesting itself," I exclaimed, at the 
 same time trying to suppress a smile. No response. 
 The next " caller " was an old stager, the spirits al- 
 ways came at his bidding. But, alas ! '' disappoint- 
 ment lurks in many a prize," he couldn't fetch 'em. 
 Nor would they respond to the next, nor the next ; — 
 the whole company were disappointed. 
 
 " There is some person or persons here that is or 
 are repulsive to the spirits — I'll put the medium in a 
 trance, and thereby find out the Jonah," exclaimed 
 the director. " And I'll keep nothing back," returned 
 the fair medium, 
 
 A few passes from the potent hands of the master of 
 ceremonies, and the damsel " went off like a lamb," 
 into the spirit world — perhaps. 
 
 She told us that she saw myriads of spirits, 
 
 " Like greyliounds in the slips, 
 Straining upon the start ! " 
 
 ready and willing to respond to each and all of the 
 company present, save one. *' And who might that 
 
MYSTERIOUS TWADDLE. 
 
 129 
 
 be ? " I queried of the maiden. " I'd rather not tell, 
 — you'll see anon," she replied. " But you were to 
 keep nothing back," I urged. "I can't tell //ia/," she 
 replied, maintaining her point. 
 
 " The time waxeth late," said the conductor — " and 
 now we'll go on again ; you will commence, sir," ad- 
 dressing himself to me. Obeying the orders, I brought 
 my fist down upon the imitation of rosewood, with a 
 pretty sound thump, and thus tartly spoke out : '' If 
 there be any spirits present — good or evil — that have 
 any idea of responding to me, they will please do it 
 very sudden, as this will be their last chance I " 
 Whereupon one of the circle, a lady, started up, 
 horror-struck, — and glancing at me a withering look, 
 told me, snappishly, that she guessed I'd find out that 
 the spirits would not be dictated by me! "Ah. well 
 o' day I " said I, " and perhaps that's your opinion, 
 madam ; but just let me tell you that it is, and always 
 was, against my nature and practice to coax any one 
 in the flesh — and I certainly shan't do it to spirits, you 
 may be assured. I requested them politely, at first, 
 to respond, but they heeded not ; now I'll challenge 
 Ihem, and do no other way, you see if I don't 
 bring ^em I " The disaffected lady then retired to an- 
 other part of the room, and left me to do things as I 
 pleased, without further catechising or lecturing. 
 
 I gave another bouncing thump, and told the spirits, 
 i. e., if there were any, which I very much doubted, 
 that I was determined not to sit there and be fooled 
 by them any longer, and that this was their very last 
 
130 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 chance! — The disaffected lady trembled.— In a moment 
 — [rap, rap,] Avas distinctly heard to come from mider 
 the table. " There I " exclaimed I, exultingly, to the 
 affrighted woman, " didn't I raise 'em ? " '' Ah, 
 but perhaps it is an evil spirit," returned the credulous 
 one. '' We'll see anon," I replied. A few knocks to 
 my question, told me it was the spirit of my dead-and- 
 gone grandma'am. " Ask her if she is happy," sug- 
 gested the conjurer. '' That Would be a foolish ques- 
 tion," said I, " why, my grandma'am was one of the 
 salt of the earth, sir ; I'd rather ask her something that 
 I don't already know." 
 
 But the spirit had other '' business and desires " up- 
 on its hands, it appeared, — for after rapping out to me 
 that she could n't stay to say anything that night, but 
 to m.y question when and where, promised she would 
 meet me at the same place again, after the lapse of six 
 days, grandma'am's sprite flew off in a twinkling, 
 leaving the course clear for the rest of the company — 
 and I took my departure for home, after fooling away 
 two hours and a half, and lightening my pocket of one 
 shekel of silver. 
 
A LENIENT DAMSEL. 131 
 
 A LENIENT DAMSEL. 
 
 NE summer I visited a friend in the northern 
 part of New Hampshire ; he was a good, pious 
 man of the free-will persuasion — I always liked those 
 people — his family, too, all rejoiced in the faith, es- 
 pecially the daughter, a buxom girl, inside of twenty. 
 She wished to visit a relative, and I cordially invited 
 her to go with me in my buggy wagon. 
 
 It was a powerful \yarm day — the sun poured down 
 upon us his double-distilled essence of Promethean 
 caloric, nearly " dissolving us into dew," or something 
 more limpid. Under such a sun and circumstances, of 
 course, the sooner we got to our stopping place the 
 better ; — but we can't always have things exactly as 
 we'd Kke them, so we must e'en lose our way, and 
 ride some three or four miles more than w^e should. 
 At length we got right, and were congratulating our- 
 selves that we were in a fair way to be at our jour- 
 ney's end shortly, — frail hope — alas ! how uncertain, 
 fragile and brittle are our joys, things in general and 
 carriage fixings in particular, here below, and especial- 
 ly up in New Hampshire I for in descending an awful 
 steep hill — smack I went our off breeching hook, 
 '' short as a pipe-stem," letting the carriage down up- 
 on the haunches of the animal, Avhich operation the 
 critter did n't seem to relish any more than did myself. 
 
132 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Here's a muss, sure enough, I exclaimed, as I waited 
 upon the lady out of the wagon, it's a good bit of 
 space now to the foot of the hill, and a i^ood mile, 
 Quaker measure, to the tavern and blacksmith's. The 
 sun poured down its very best triple heat, and the per- 
 spiration rolled down my countenance like miniature 
 Niagaras. " Our armies swore terribly in Flanders," 
 and it might be, I did soinething in that way, on this 
 occasion. After considerable trouble, leading the ani- 
 mal, zigzag, we soon reached the foot of the hill — our 
 greatest difficulty being then over, we had little or 
 no detention, and were soon at the tavern. I gave 
 the team up to the ostler, with orders to get a black- 
 smith to repair damages, then waited upon the lady 
 into the house. By great good luck, the boniface 
 chanced to have the m.aterials for punch — I soon had 
 one — fixed right — and didn't it go in the right 
 place ? That punch ! 
 
 " Rich, more sweet than Juno's milk ! '' 
 
 It would surely have made, under these circumstan- 
 ces, a teetotaller forswear his pledge ! Of course, 
 with such a streak of luck — finding manna in the 
 wilderness, I was quite pacified — yes, actually 
 happy, for 
 
 " Sweet is pleasure after pain ! " 
 
 And if it was not '* lovely Thais sate beside me,'* the 
 damsel was comely and fair to look upon, at least. 
 
 As soon as I had got pretty well soothed down, I 
 told the maiden, that, perhaps I had given her offence 
 
A LENIENT DAMSEL. 133 
 
 in my outburst of passion, when I " unpacked my 
 heart with words," not wholly sacred, and that I 
 hoped and trusted she would excuse me, as I was not 
 in the habit of doing thus, especially in the presence 
 of a lady. 
 
 I saw by her benign countenance, that the good 
 creature, as is commonly the case with the gentler 
 sex, did look with mercy's eyes upon my transgres- 
 sion ; for, with the sweetest expression and the sugar- 
 est tone imaginable, she told me that she did n't ap- 
 prove of such speech and expressions, in general, of 
 course, — howbeit, in this provoking case, she thought 
 that my conduct was, not only pardonable, but per- 
 fectly justifiable. 
 
134 
 
 HITS Ax\D DASHES. 
 
 A CLEAN SWEEP. 
 
 J^AMBLING has a tendency to corrupt any good 
 mind,- no matter how little soever it may be in- 
 dulged in. It is a selfish, sordid excitement — not an 
 amusement, turn it and look at it how you Avill. 
 
 I shall never forget a story that my good old aunt 
 once told me, when I was a child, about a gang of 
 gamblers, who were found, one Sunday, snugly en- 
 sconced, down a dry vat of a rum distillery, playing 
 at cards for money I From that day to this, a pack 
 of these gamblers' tools, always, to me, seems to savor 
 of New England rum. But to my tale. 
 
 A few months since, a certain deacon of Amesbury, 
 who owned a mill, happening to be passing near it, 
 one Sunday, overheard voices, which proceeded from 
 the race-way; he walked cautiously closer, and peep- 
 ing into the abyss, saw a round dozen of youngsters, 
 seated close to the great wheel, at a game of cards, 
 with a pile of coin and a jug in their midst. The dea- 
 con crept gingerly into the mill, and looking down 
 from out of the window over the wheel, shouted, 
 " Clear the race-way, boys ! the gate is coming up !" 
 If a shell had been dropped in the midst of this squad, 
 with a burning fusee upon its vent, they could not 
 have dispersed more suddenly — they scattered hke 
 a flock of frightened sheep, leaving their imple- 
 
A CLEAN SWEEP. 135 
 
 ments, the money and their jug of grog, behind. The 
 deacon, as soon as he saw the heels of the last delin- 
 quent upon the embankment, clear of danger, hoisted 
 the gate, when a flood of the pent-up waters, gushed, 
 rushed, roared and tumbled adown the sluice — the 
 mighty wheel turned, creaking and thundering upon 
 its big axle — a deluge of the rushing tide sped 
 through the race-way, and in a single moment, the 
 "primers" of Satan, the jug and the coin, were on 
 their journey towards the broad Atlantic, never to 
 return, of course ! 
 
 " Thus fare all these attributes of Beelzebub I " ex- 
 claimed the good miller, with a smile of satisfaction, 
 as he shut down the gate, — and, Amen I most heart 
 ily respondeth Cymon ! 
 
136 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 SPICING IT HIGH AND DOING IT BROWN. 
 
 'O matter whether it was at the east, west, north 
 or south part of this city, where Daddy H. dealt 
 out groceries and grog, so long as he did it — accom- 
 modating his customers with common or uncommonly 
 choice spirits, as it best suited their tastes, purses, or 
 fancy, and increasing his stock of dimes thereby. 
 Daddy H. was an epicure in liquors, and as good wine 
 needs no bush, so, thought he, pure cognac, St. Croix, 
 and Hollands requireth not the aid of condiments to 
 make it go down, albeit he kept the different essences 
 for flavoring his inferior liquors. 
 
 One day, two wags, who knew the man, called up- 
 on this dealer in wet and moist goods, and asked for 
 two glasses of the best cognac. A bottle of the pure 
 was set before them, with tumblers and a pitcher of 
 water. After pouring out their liquor and tempering 
 the ardor thereof with the cool Cochituate, the imbi- 
 bers called for sugar — it was produced, but with a 
 look from the epicurean dispenser of drinks, as if he 
 thought that hio customers were not of the most refined 
 taste, touching spirits. '■''K little Stoughton now, if you 
 please," urged one of the party ; " and I'll have the 
 same," chimed in his companion. It was an awful 
 look that the grocer gave, as he added the elixir to the 
 — in his opinion, already spoiled liquor. He bit his 
 
A BAIT. 137 
 
 lip, and muttered to himself, " What shocking bad 
 taste some folks do have ! " " Now, sir," exclaimed 
 one of the cruel customers, as he sipped a little of the 
 compound, "some peppermint, if you please — that'll 
 fix it about right, I think." Daddy H. snatched up 
 the bottle of warming essence — jerked a goodly por- 
 tion of the Menthean extract into the tumblers — then, 
 with a most malicious flash from his eyes, snapped out, 
 *' There, by thunder, I 'spose you '11 want me to spit 
 
 A BAIT. 
 
 (^AMMY HIGGINS was wont to visit the widow 
 ®^ Muggins at sundry times and oft — albeit, he was 
 slow at making a point. The widow was right glad 
 to receive the man Sammy, but nevertheless was sore- 
 ly displeased at bis tardiness in making known his de- 
 sires. 
 
 Now the man Sammy wot not of the Avidow's anxi- 
 eties, nor did he set his whole heart upon the woman, 
 but he loved right well to sit and smoke his pipe be- 
 side the window. 
 
 One evening, after a long absence, Sammy hied 
 to the widow's whereabouts ; but as he crossed the 
 10 
 
138 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 threshold of her domicil he was amazed beyond mea- 
 sure, for lo, and behold ! the odor of burnt tobacco, 
 even the Virginia plant, saluted his nostrils ; where- 
 upon, the man Sammy did question the widow Mug- 
 gins touching the fumes of the weed which did fill her 
 apartment. Then did the cunning woman open her 
 mouth, and thus make speech : "I was weary, 
 my love, in waiting for thy sweet company, with 
 which whilom thou wert wont to bless me withal ; so 
 anon, in order to remind me of thyself, I didst pro- 
 cure the fragrant weed, and, laying it straightway up- 
 on the coals, it did forthwith send out its sweet-smell- 
 ing savor to gladden my heart, teaching me to think 
 of thee I" 
 
 As soon as the widow had spoken these words, 
 Sammy Huggins did fly into the widow Muggins's 
 open and willing arms ; he did forthwith make an 
 avowal which was most graciously received, and, ere 
 the month was wasted, they twain, by the aid of Psir- 
 son Hummins, were made one flesh. 
 
A CLIMAX. 13& 
 
 A CLIMAX 
 
 A PARTY of gentlemen were journeying towards 
 ^%) certain celebrated sulphur springs in Virginia, 
 at which two rival houses were located some little dis- 
 tance from each other. The landlord of one of these 
 houses chanced to be in the coach with this party, and 
 he tried his best to persuade the company to put up at 
 his hotel. After naming the abundant facilities, ad- 
 vantages, comforts and luxuries his domicil possessed 
 over that of his rival, he was asked by one of the com- 
 pany if there was any very particular objection to be 
 urged against the other house, and if so, Avhat was the 
 first and most important. 
 
 " Obj-e-c-t-i-o-n-s I " drawled forth our Boniface, 
 sneeringly ; *' Objections ! why, gentlemen, the air 
 about them 'ere premises is chuck-full o' brimstone — 
 you can scarce catch your breath — 'tis enough to sti- 
 fle you ; then the water they use to cook with is full 
 on't — you can taste the sulphur in everything — yes, 
 you can smell brimstone all around and all over the 
 house — up stairs, down stairs, in the parlor, dining- 
 room, sitting room, and in your sleeping room, — 
 and, by thunder! sirs, when your bill is presented 
 I rather guess then you '11 begin to smell ! " 
 
140 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 
 
 DESCRIPTION of the scenery among the 
 White Mountains — the Notch in particular — 
 is altogether out of the power of my feeble pen. The 
 heaven-kissing mountains, the cloud-capped hills, the 
 stupendous precipices, the craggy cliffs, the mighty 
 forest, the silver cascade, the gushing Saco, the wind- 
 ing brook, the purling rivulet — I leave for some one 
 mightier than myself to describe ; and I will tell you 
 my stage-coach adventure : — 
 
 Going from Conway to Dover, N. H., my fellow- 
 passengers in tlie stage consisted of a superannuated 
 old man, whose phiz resembled the one which peeped 
 
 , " 'Tween Priam's curtains at the dead of night," 
 
 a single lady on the winter side of fifty, who looked 
 like one of the Weird Sisters in Macbeth, and a bux- 
 om girl of sixteen who sat opposite me. While the 
 old gentleman amused himself by chewing his tobacco 
 in silence, and the spinster busied herself by taking 
 snuff out of one of Bell's paste blacking boxes, I 
 whiled away the hours by glancing occasionally at 
 sweet sixteen. 
 
 She was beautiful ; her delicately chisseled features, 
 her sott blue eye, clear as the etherial tint ; a ruddy 
 glow of health usurped her cheek, hke 
 
 "The rich sunset 'ncath Italia's sky; " 
 
 and, to crown all these charms, a full rounded form, 
 
SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 141 
 
 of which Juno might be proud. She woh my atten- 
 tion. Who was she ? where could she be going ? — 
 to the factory ? I hope in my soul, no ; for, if so, she 
 is going like a lamb to the slaughter. It is wicked — ■ 
 'tis down-right inquisition to pat such young and ten- 
 der beings in a Factory. Should she go there, her 
 manners will be corrupted — in a few short years 
 those charms will fade away. Instead of breathing 
 the pure mountain air, she rises early, toils late, for a 
 small pittance, and inhales into her delicate lungs the 
 nauseous hot air, pregnant with cotton dust, and the 
 fumes of whale oil. She pines away ; a sickly pale 
 now comes over her fair cheek, 
 
 " Like lawn being spread upon the blushing rose." 
 
 She spends all her savings, the produce of many a 
 tedious day, for medical attendance. It is of no avail. 
 Consumption, with his iron grasp, has her fast. The 
 thoughts of home rush on her soul ; she sees her kind 
 parents, with her brothers and sisters, seated around 
 the happy fire-side. How her soul yearns to be 
 among them ; 'tis impossible ; she is too feeble to walk 
 across the room, much more so to ride a hundred 
 miles over a mountainous road. She has neglected 
 writing home to acquaint her parents with her indis- 
 position, thinking she should soon recover ; 'tis now 
 too late ; despair enters her bosom, pierces her youth- 
 ful heart, as she lies on a wretched bed in the crowded 
 garret of a factory boarding-house. Grief bursts her 
 tender soul ; she lifts her longing eyes towards hea- 
 
142 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 ven ; breathes a fervent prayer, then closes them for- 
 ever. And that fair form is now " compressed beneath 
 the clods of the valley ! " 
 
 No, no, — she cannot be factory girl. Let me 
 think ! yes I ! have it now. She is a young boarding 
 school miss ; her kind, indulgent parents have fitted 
 her out, and sent her down to the Quamphegan Aca- 
 demy ; that's it. How could I have been so mista- 
 ken ? I wish she would speak. Such .sounds as 
 would come from those lips must be like .r 
 
 "Earth's deep, sweet music." 
 
 Just as I was about to interrogate her, an accident 
 relieved me from the task ; for on going down a steep 
 hill, a band-box fell fiom the coach, when the angelic 
 creature exclaimed, " Hallo there, driver, you 've lost 
 my bandbox ; you're the carelessest critter ever I seed 
 — now you may jest start yerself arter it ! " 
 
THE DYING FISHERMAN. 143 
 
 THE DYING FISHERMAN. 
 
 " The ruling passion strong in death." 
 
 XT was a tempestuous night. The angry winds 
 howled and uttered forth then- unearthly moans. 
 Old ocean roared, and lashed Plum Island's sands in 
 wildest fury ; and all nature seemed in uproar ! 
 
 In a rude hut beside the fiats of Joppa — lies stretch- 
 ed upon his bed, the manly form of one of old ocean's 
 childreii He hears the raging wind, the pelting rain 
 and hail, and the Atlantic's roar, — but he heeds 
 them not. 
 
 And why should he ? He was born and cradled 
 upon its rough billows ; the whistle of the storm was 
 his lullaby. 
 
 And now, he hes awaiting the coming of the King 
 of Terrors. Hark ! The old South clock has ham- 
 mered out the last stroke of twelve. See ! The dy- 
 ing fisherman has leaped from his couch, and stands 
 erect in the middle of the floor I 
 
 The old nurse stands back aghast ! 
 
 Lo ! he has seized his garments — the very habili- 
 ments in which, full many a time and oft, he has fol- 
 lowed his vocation. 
 
 Now he is fully equipped ; with gigantic strides he 
 rushes into the desolate street. With clenched fists at 
 his mouth, in lieu of a trumpet — his eyes like carbun- 
 cles — he stands in attitude, and roars in thunder 
 tones, which might be heard above the din of the en- 
 raged elements — "Here's Clams!" then fell the 
 honest fisherman lifeless on the ground. 
 
144 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 SCRAPS FROM MY SKETCH BOOK. 
 
 " A chiel's amang ye takin notes." 
 
 gyiEAR-SHIRT is th^ euphonious appellation of a 
 ^^ snug little settlement of honest farmers, some five 
 or six miles from Quamphegan, Me. They have one 
 store, a school-hoase, and a house of worship. A son 
 of Ethiopia fills the sacred desk. Strange to say, but 
 his people almost worship him. He eats, drinks and 
 smokes with them, — and if report speaks truly, they 
 sometimes smoke the pipe from his mouth. 
 
 As a matter of curiosity in these parts, I went to 
 hear him hold forth, one Sunday ; such a looking 
 colored clergyman I never saw before. As I entered 
 the church and saw him sitting in the pulpit, it remind- 
 ed me of a passage in Tam O' Shanter, " There sat 
 auld Nick." His forehead sloped backwards, to an 
 angle of forty-five degrees ; the top of his head, which 
 resembled a bell-pear, was almost an island, his capa- 
 cious mouth extending very nearly round it ; his nos- 
 trils v/ere terrible ; an enormous pair of woolly whis- 
 kers graced his ebony phiz, reaching under his chin ; 
 his eyes, as he turned them skyward, resembled two 
 new tin pans ; he looked awful ! After he had mut- 
 tered a prayer, read a hymn and helped the choir to 
 convert it into music, he commenced operations on the 
 sermon, — and theway he extemporized to the sinners, 
 and warned them to flee from the coming wrath, was 
 a pattern worthy to be followed by all lukewarm 
 
A SLIGHT MISTAKE. 145 
 
 preachers among the " white-faces." He exhorted 
 them to ''keep clear of dem parnishus doctrines, dat 
 sez you can go to hebbun on de wide smoove wode, 
 wid silver slippers on. Radder gess dey Avell get mis- 
 taken if dey blebe in dat doctrine ; gess how dey will 
 find out dey will hab to go de crooked way, ober a 
 stony Avode wid brogans on dere trotters, dat's vot dey 
 vill!" 
 
 A SLIGHT MISTAKE. 
 
 UNT NABBY, maiden sister of Captain D., 
 the grocer-man, kept her brother's house, and 
 occasionally tended in his store. Her brain was a tri- 
 fle shattered — that, with a swig now and then at the 
 cognac, was very apt to upset her equilibrium, and 
 strange mistakes would often occur. 
 
 One day, a poor, but very honest woman, came in- 
 to the store with a handful of silver change, which she 
 told the captain she had found in sifting a half-peck of 
 meal, bought of his sister that morning. On ques- 
 tioning Nabby, it turned out that she had thrown in 
 the coin to even the scales ! 
 
146 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 But the strangest freak of Nabby's aberrations 
 happened once upon a Thanksgiving day. The 
 captain had returned from church with an invited 
 guest for dinner. The cloth was laid, — then the caulk- 
 ings from the oven-lid were removed, — the oven was 
 opened, and the goose and pudding were taken out — 
 but alas ! and alack-a-day ! the viands came forth as 
 they were put in — untouched by caloric. Nabby 
 had forgotten to heat the oven ! 
 
 EPISTLE FROM NORTH SCITUATE TO 
 THE BOSTON POST. 
 
 ^fORTH SCITUATE, or "Old Sittywate," as 
 the grandsires and grandames call it. 
 
 " Here I've 'scaped the city's stifling- heat, 
 its horrid sounds and its polluted air." 
 
 But the breach is not wide enough yet, — for at the 
 very place where I am domiciled, which is located 
 upon a bye-road — a package of quack medicines, a 
 magazine of the fashions for July and August, and a 
 bundle of yellow -covered novels have just arrived, and 
 are lying upon the very table where I'm now writing, 
 waiting the arrival of the proprietor, a lady visitor 
 from the city. 
 
 " O, for a lodge in some vast wilderness ! " 
 
EPISTLE FROM NORTH SCITUATE. 
 
 147 
 
 By Jupiter ! I'll get ont of the way of this trash before 
 summer is out — for, I'll fly to the outskirts of New 
 Hampshire, and there, where 
 
 " Throutrh the clouds, Chocorua's peak doth rise, 
 And lift its granite torehead to the skies ! " 
 
 I pray I may get from the sight and sound of this vile 
 stuff — these dregs of civihzation ! 
 
 The vegetation here is doing well, and the fields, 
 gardens and damsels are 
 
 " BlooininiT with rosy smiles ! '' 
 
 This, you must know, is one of the oldest towns in 
 the Bay State ; nearly surrounded by the salt water ; 
 it is a very healthy place, and the people being frugal 
 and temperate — no apothecary or doctor being very 
 near — they generally live to a ripe old age. They 
 are too fond of the dimes to squander them away upon 
 medicines and such luxuries. 
 
 They have a queer way of doing some things here, 
 — instead of paying away fifty or one hundred dollars 
 to a doctor, apothecary and nurse for a family event, 
 as we poor fools do in the city, — five dollars for 
 an old lady who serves in the capacity of mid-wife, 
 nurse and maid of all work, pays the whole bill — 
 roots and herbs included ! 
 
 The only book she consuhs is the Farmer's Alman- 
 ack ; and when it is " full sea," she takes her chance, 
 and all is right ! " Natura duce," for ever ! 
 
 Commend me, likewise, to one of their methods of 
 making wills — wills, such as no disciple of Black- 
 
148 HITS AND DASHES. 
 
 Stone would dare undertake to rip up. An old lady, 
 for instance, is about finishing up for this world ; her 
 kith and kin are called around her bedside, together 
 with three disinterested witnesses ; the testator, propped 
 up by a pillow, then goes on with the items : — ''A 
 stocking full of silver dollars to be divided tnch and 
 so — a quart, or half-peck of halves and quarters, 
 thus and so — (be it known, the people here are all 
 thrifty) — her furniture," wearing apparel, and other 
 nick-knacks, so and thus." The moment the testator 
 '' goes off," the recipients take their bounties, and go 
 each on their own way, rejoicing ! 
 
 They are generally an honest people, and somewhat 
 godly withal, having a good supply of meeting- 
 houses of different creeds — one, the unitarian, sport- 
 ijig a tall steeple — 
 
 " Like a pencil on the sky ! " 
 
 which the waggish '' salts" here have christened " the 
 sloop." 
 
 Many people, however, do their own worshipping 
 at home, as it comes somewhat cheaper. One of these 
 parsimonious saints, in a morning prayer, begged the 
 powers above to " cure ma'm's cough ! " For she 
 had tried flax-seed tea and " thorough-wax," and it 
 had done no good. And once, in saying grace at ta- 
 ble, this same man craved a blessing upon all the food 
 set before them, " except the apple sairce, that we got 
 at Deacon Widgin's, and don't need it ! " 
 
 " Old Sittywate " can boast of raising one poet, at 
 
A SQUALL. 149 
 
 least, — Woodworth, the author of that exquisite gem, 
 " The Old Oaken Bucket," sprung to hght a mile or 
 two from my whereabouts. A poet in these parts, 
 among these matter-of-fact people, " whom no airy 
 forms or phantoms of the imagination clothe — whom 
 nought but the music of the smiling, chinking heap, or 
 the sight of the quickly convertible bank bill delight," 
 is like manna in the Avilderness. Yes, Nature, in one 
 of her freaks, created a poet here I Twas the daugh- 
 ter of Olympia, who 
 
 " Broke the plough-boy's morning dream, 
 Led him o'er woody hill and babbling stream, 
 Lured his young foot in every dale that rung, 
 And charmed his ear in everj' bird that sung ! " 
 
 A SQUALL. 
 
 " List ye landsmen all to me, 
 Messmates, hear a brother sailor 
 Sing the dangers of the sea." — T'om JDil'din. 
 
 ^OTHTNG is more amusing, especially to an old 
 salt, than the mistakes of a green hand in nauti- 
 cal technicals. 
 
 Many years ago, one Captain Clapp skippered a 
 "pinkey" out of Newburyport. One season, hands 
 were scarce — and this captain was forced to take up 
 with two very green 'uns, who had never been " on 
 the great deep, nor done business on the mighty wa- 
 
150 
 
 IJITS AND DASHES. 
 
 «eady breeze, like a dol£ Th"° ""'" ^ ^''"'^ 
 
 J"f'°°W„g fair, -_ the S„e/af """' '^^' ^" 
 f the men fonvard on theol ^^""°"'"g O"- 
 
 had scarcely elapsed, when a T" -'^" h°« 
 
 w,nkhng_,trifc-ng he pL. '"'" '^^^"'^ "P >" a 
 ,fh-i-; "'entthe^schoon^lr "r """' 'J^^^'"-- 
 the velocity of light,;,,/""'' """''^h the water, with 
 "J«^^ow, Jate! she's m= , , 
 
 .'"•^ :'"er rope, so L ^ ott .T'^"^'^"^ ''^'^ "- of 
 '-'-ess.l have her otntf;'^'"^"" '- 
 
 :— ,;-''h:;tt:d;i;*^^^^^^^ 
 
 oft?er^:r::;;^;-"^^^^ 
 
 ;" ''- bulwarks, taC ,f-^-.'he sea stofe 
 
 -S::.x-/;ehei.s_^ 
 
 P^'y. the «as,s are gone Th! ; " ''"' "^"^ '^'P^^^ to 
 -«} the riddlin^sricr^l took? " ^"°' '" ^ '--1 
 ter deck -and, by darn . T'"^ °^ 'he quar- 
 overboard!" ^ '''™' ^^'''^^ ^ost the fo^.^^J^ 
 
THE CLOSE OF THE YEAR, 151 
 
 THE CLOSE OF THE YEAR. 
 
 KpHE present year is about making its exit, and 
 ^fe we feel as if we were bidding adieu to an old 
 acquaintance. As we take a retrospective glance at 
 the hours gone by, since this year first shone upon 
 us, many a tear of joy and of sorrow will burst forth 
 in spite of our philosophy. Sweet memory will 
 bring to light many a bright halcyon hour. But all 
 is not joy here below ; a few sprinklings of sorrow 
 will surely serve to fill memory's cup ; and with 
 many — -very many — 'twill form, alas ! the largest 
 portion. There sits a bereaved mother ; her only 
 daughter, young and lovely, the comfort of her old 
 age, the pride of the neighborhood, has been cut 
 down by death. Physicians did their utmost — her 
 friends watched by her night and day — all could not 
 save her, but 
 
 ♦' Like a lilly drooping, 
 She bowed her head and died ! " 
 
 Where is that young man v^ho was the very life of 
 the young circle ? "Where be his jibes now? his 
 songs ? his flashes of merriment ? " Gone ? gone 
 forever ! His body now reposes in yonder cemetery, 
 and his spirit has returned to Him who gave it ! 
 Many can tell their tale of sorrow ; husbands have 
 lost their wives — wives their husbands; near and 
 
152 HITS AND DASHES. >^ 
 
 dear friends have been separated by death's impartial 
 dart ; but why should we murmur ? 
 
 " Could tears revive the dead, 
 
 Rivers should swell our eyes, — * 
 
 Could siirhs recall the spirit fled, 
 ^•\Ve would not quench our sighs." 
 
 Now is a goodly time to make resolutions for onr 
 conduct the coming year. Let the old toper throw 
 down the inebriating glass for ever. And ye mod- 
 erate drinkers ! shun the intoxicating cup as you 
 would a basilisk! make a resolution never to touch 
 the infernal liquid more. Young men and maidens! 
 set down some good resolutions for the forthcoming 
 year, so that you may be wiser and better at the close 
 thereof. 
 
 Ye middle aged ! your sands have half run out ! if 
 you have not lived as you ought to have lived — ask 
 pardon for the past, and live purer and holier for the 
 remainder of your lives. 
 
 Ye whose heads are silvered over with age ! whose 
 faces are 
 
 " Ploughed by the share of years ! " 
 
 remember that you stand upon the very brink of the 
 grave, and, after a few more rising and setting suns 
 you will, 
 
 " Upon this bank and shoal of time — 
 Jump the life to come ! " 
 
 then, if you have lived an honest, virtuous and 
 righteous life, you will, when the hour of dissolution 
 draweth nigh, exclaim, 
 
 " Oh death, where is thy sting ! " 
 
 LBJa'13