I=>RICe 15 CENTS M THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY | — . __ : -> Mi. ri fintfiiiii Successful Rural Plays A Strong List From Which to Select Your Next Play FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. For five male and six female characters. Time cf playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting and novel. Price, 15 cents. A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 15 cents. THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY PHILADELPHIA Smokeville's Social A Minstrel Show in Two Parts By GEORGE P. SEILER Author of " Queerville's Quaint Quartette " PHILADELPHIA THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY I 9 I 8 Copyright 1918 by Thk Penn Publishing Company APR 17 i9i8 TMP96-J073J9 Smokeville's Social S)GI.D 49364 Smokeville's Social CHARACTERS Mr. Uppers Interlocutor Jumbo J UM Tambo End Man Zip Johnson Ta77ibo Efid Man Socrates Fizzle B/?nes End Man Skipton Squizzle - - - . Bones End Man Metnbers of chorus ^ specialty actor s^ etc. Time. — One hour (or half an hour for each part). DESCRIPTION OF THE ENTERTAINMENT This is a minstrel show, preferably black-face, in two parts. Either part may be given separately if desired. The fun consists in stories and jokes, inter- spersed with songs and other specialties. Squizzle tells how Zip got lost. " Sat on a fence and the vines grew up and hid him." Jumbo explains how tired the soldiers are on April ist, " after thirty-one days of March." Jumbo also knows the difference between a standing and a running account. Zip thinks he can tell a hen's age by the teeth. " She hasn't any." " No, but I have." Jumbo delivers his famous oration on "Our Country." Musical and dancing specialties, and a solid hour of wholesome rapid-fire entertainment. This minstrel show may be given without scenery, on any platform. Wherever a specialty is referred to it may be by some other actor than the one named by the Interlocutor, if preferred. Be careful to allow pause for laughs at the jokes, but also be ready to pass quickly on to the next point if the audience does not respond heartily. 3 ARRANGEMENT OF STAGE No scenery is required, although a back drop and wings showing outdoor scene will be found effective. Curtains may be substituted for them, or a stage decorated with large plants may be used. The arrange- ment is as follows : Back Drop (0 6 6 6 6 6 6 3 5 Footlights I — Tnterlocutor ; 2 and 3 — Tambos ; 4 and 5 — Bones ; 6, 6, 6 — chorus of specialties. Arrange in a semicircle, hav- ing hiterlocutor's chair elevated above others. Orchestra may be in a second circle behind the others, if desired. COSTUMES If possible and not too much expense, wear full dress suits, white shirts and collars (of large pattern) and black pumps. If desirable the suits may be of white cloth or silk of fancy pattern. Another good effect is found in white coat and pants having extra black — or colored — lapels, pocket flaps and cuffs tacked on. Collars may be very cheaply made from white " tough-check " paper. This comes in 22 x 28 inch size, and if your linen collar is laid flat thereon and outlined a good collar is made. The holes for buttons must of course be punched therein and large dog-ears can be fashioned. About six collars can be made from one sheet at a cost of five cents. DIRECTIONS FOR MAKE-UP Ee sure to shave about thirty minutes before putting on the make-up. When you prepare for the make-up, rub some cold cream into your skin, using the tips of fing-ers and rubbing in a circular motion. When well rubbed in, wipe off the surplus, if any, by gently rubbing with a clean cloth or towel. Then apply the burnt cork (a 25 cent box will be sufficient for ten characters four or five times) by smoothly smearing all over the face and neck. After completing this operation, draw on your wig and complete the make- up by dusting on the face and neck a small amount of prepared black face powder. Then wash your hands thoroughly and put on your collar and tie. Draw on white cotton (or kid) gloves, put on costume, and you are ready to appear on the stage. The Interlocutor should simply apply a bit of rouge to the lips and cheeks (after applying cold cream), darken the eyebrows a bit and powder his hair a bit over the temples. He should wear Prince Albert coat, gray striped trousers, white shirt, standing collar and gray or black tie, unless others are wearing silk cos- tumes, in which case the Interlocutor wears silk cos- tume of different color from the others. Smokeville's Social PART I {Have all characters standing in front of their chairs on stage. Let baritone sing first verse of '' Old Black Joe," or some good modern song, and the company join in the chorus. As last line of chorus is sung raise curtain so that song is completed as curtain reaches top.) Interlocutor {stepping down). Gentlemen, be seated. {All take seats but Interlocutor. To audi- ence.) Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you some of Smokeville's Upper Ten Thousand. Mr. Jumbo Jum (Jumbo sits as if asleep; loudly), Mr. Jumbo Jum. (Jumbo rises.) Jumbo {bowing to audience). 'Bliged to know you. {Sits.) Interlocutor. Mr. Zip Johnson. Zip {rising). Pleased ter form yer 'quaintance. {Sits.) Interlocutor. Mr. Socrates Fizzle. Fizzle {rising). Glad U kum. {Sits.) Interlocutor. Mr. Skipton Squizzle. Squizzle {rising). Happy fer de interduction. {Sits. Interlocutor sits also, in center chair.) (Jumbo laughs loud and heartily.) Interlocutor {seated c). Might I ask what has caused you to be so hilarious, Mr. Jum ? 8 smokeville's social Jumbo (dumfotinded). So what? Interlocutor. So hilarious. Jumbo (dotibtfidly). Say dat ergin? Interlocutor. I said hi-lar-i-ous. Jumbo (plainly dumfounded). Oh, hully gee! Zip. Say, Mr. Inter-lo'-ciitor. Interlocutor. Interloc'utor. {Correcting.) Zip {to Jumbo). Did you get it? Jumbo. Not fer mine. Interlocutor. Why, there is nothing hard about that word. Now Hsten. {Speaks plainly.) Inter- locutor. Zip {facing audience — douhtfidly). Wonder how dat man spects me ter say interloc'utor. {Says it plainly.) Interlocutor. You were going to ask a question, Mr. Johnson? Zip. Yes sir. You know, I had a hard job to-day, and I sweat Interlocutor {interrupting). No, no, not sweat. You mean perspiration. Zip. Yes sir, preservation Interlocutor. No, no. You perspired. Zip. Well, when I expired, what caused dat? Interlocutor. That was caused by atmospheric humidity. (Jumbo and Zip and others all sink in chairs as if exhausted.) Shall I explain what that means ? Zip. To me? I know what it means — but you might explain hit to dese odder niggers. Interlocutor. Atmospheric humidity means the moisture or dampness in the air. It is a condition of climate and is what causes vegetation to thrive. Now, down in Louisiana they grow pumpkins weighing forty to fifty pounds. Jumbo. How dey do dat? Interlocutor. It's the climate, my boy. Out in Alabama they raise watermelons as large as those pumpkins. SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 9 Zip. How dey do dat? Interlocutor. It's the climate, my boy. Zip. Huh ! Say, Mr. Uppers, up in N. Y. dey is buildin' a store lifty-nine stories high, and dey ain't goin' ter have no stairs en no elevators. Interlocutor. What? Fifty-nine stories high, and no stairs or elevators ? Impossible. Jumbo. No sir, dat's de truf. Interlocutor. Why, how can a man with an office on the top floor get up there? Zip. Climb it, my boy. {All except Interlocutor laugh.) Interlocutor. Where do you live now, Mr. Jum? Jumbo. Nowhere. Interlocutor. And where do you live, Mr. Fizzle? Fizzle. I'se got a room just above him. Squizzle. Say, Mr. Uppers, does yer know Zip is some lazy nigger? Interlocutor. No, I did not, and I'm surprised to hear it. Squizzle. He sho' is, all right. One time he war workin' on er farm en dey thought dey los' him. Interlocutor. Did he wander off? Squizzle. Wander off? No sir, he war a-sittin' on er fence, en de vines grew all round him. {Pause for laugh.) Zip. Aw pshaw ! Dat time, Mr. Uppers, de boss gibe me some money to go en buy a present. I sot on de fence tryin' ter think what ter buy. Yo' know hit's hard ter buy fer er man. Jumbo {musing). Yep, mos' women hate ter spen' money dat way. Interlocutor. Who was it you were to buy for? Zip. Mr. Jinks. Interlocutor. His name is not Jinks, it is Mr. Jenks. Jumbo. Don' yer see, nigger, yer puts de axcent on de pronotm? {Pause for laugh.) 10 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Squizzle. He sho do dress some, don' he ? Interlocutor. Very nicely indeed. He has my ideas of dress exactly. Jumbo. How's dat? Interlocutor. Well, I think a man's clothes should match his hair. For instance, a black-haired man should wear black clothes, a brown-haired man brown clothes, and so on, don't you? Squizzle. S'posin' he's bald? {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Zip Johnson will now render his famous original ballad entitled (Zip sings some selection.) Interlocutor. Mr. Fizzle, I'm told that you are quite good at guessing. Fizzle {proudly). Who, me? I should guess I" am. Interlocutor. Well, let's see if you can guess this one. Are you ready? Fizzle. 'Spress yo'self, man — 'spress yo'self. Interlocutor. Now pay attention. Fizzle. If I do hit will be the firs' thing I ever paid. Interlocutor. Why has a giraffe such a long neck? Jumbo. Gwan, nigger, tell him ; dat's easy. Interlocutor. Well, if it is so easy, Mr. Jum, you tell us. Jumbo. Yo' wants ter know why a giraffe has such a long neck? Interlocutor. That was my question. Jumbo {clearing throat). Hum-m-m-m. Firstly. I guess hit's because his head is so far from his body. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Soc Fizzle will now entertain us with {Name song.) (Fizzle sings.) {As he finishes, Zip begins to sing from the song.) SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL II Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, you seem ter be quite a composer. Zip. Supposer? Interlocutor. No, no. I said composer. Zip. Oh, yes sir. I can dispose. Interlocutor. You don't seem to understand. A composer is one who composes music — or poetry. Zip. Yes sir, I sho am good at disposin' of poultry. Interlocutor. Now, who said anything about poultry? Poetry, as you should know, is verse. Say four or more lines that harmonize. Zip. Yes sir, I can hipnotize 'em too. Interlocutor. Can you compose? Zip. I'll try. What you want me ter do? Interlocutor. Compose a little poetry on some word. Zip. All right. You say de word. Interlocutor (hesitatingly). Well — let us take the word — ransom. Zip (taking center of stage). Ransom — ransom. I know a girl just six feet tall, So sweet and fine and handsome ; To win her love, make her my wife I'm sho ma soul I'd ransom. Interlocutor (company claps). That was fine. Jumbo. Say, Mr. Uppers, I kin beat dat. Interlocutor. Well, you have my permission to try. Jumbo (taking center of stage). ♦ A torn cat sat on er sowin* machine. So sweet and fine and handsome, (Looks at Zip.) Till he got ten stitches in his tail An' b'lieve me, boys, he ran some. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Both of you gentlemen seem to be quite poetic. Squizzle. Who et it? 12 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Interlocutor {disregarding him). Especially so as concerns the fine and handsome. Do you believe, Mr. Squizzle, that beauty is as beauty does ? Fizzle. For one, I do. Interlocutor. In what way, Mr. Fizzle? Fizzle. I think any one will admit that silk stock- ings are more attractive when in use than when in er box. {Laugh.) Squizzle. Nigger, you'd better be careful how you talk. Don' f ergit yo' . come near gettin' in bad yester- day wid yo' wife. Interlocutor. How was that, Mr. Squizzle? Squizzle. He war er walkin' down the street wid his ole woman, en all of a suddin he says : " Dere's a peach, Susan — look at dem lines en dat body." Interlocutor {after pause). I'm surprised at you, Mr. Fizzle, to hear you talk of a lady that way. Squizzle. Who said anything erbout a lady? He war talkin' erbout er automobile. {Laugh.) Fizzle. Nigger, you know a woman sho can be queer. Las' night when I goes home from workin' in de cold all day I ax my old woman, says I : " Did yo' sew dat button on ma overcoat, darlin' ? " Interlocutor. I'm sure she did. Fizzle. Sho she did? Huh. She said ter me: " No, ma little brown skin, I couldn't fine de button so I sewed up de buttonhole." {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Anyway, it's kind of her to look after your clothes. Fizzle. She sho do dat — especially de pockets. {Laugh.) Jumbo, Woman sho am queer. Interlocutor. In what way, Mr. Jum? Jumbo. All she thinks erbout is clothes. Squizzle. Yep, en all she talks about is men. Interlocutor. No doubt they do sometimes, Mr. Squizzle, but there is a time when a woman doesn't talk about men. Squizzle. Yes? When dat? smokeville's social 13 Interlocutor. When she goes to church. {Laugh.) Squizzle. When she goes ter church? Woman don't talk about men when she goes ter church ? Interlocutor. No, she doesn't. Squizzle. What does she do when she goes ter church ? Interlocutor. She goes inside. (Squizzle re- peats.) Sits down. (Squizzle repeats.) Says a prayer Squizzle. En when she done prayin' what she do ? She say, A-men, don't she? {Laugh.) Gwan, Mr. Uppers, she all time singing hims, ain't she? She never singing hers. Interlocutor. Yes, but Squizzle. Listen out dere. {Points to audience.) Interlocutor. What have those people out there got to do with what we are talking about ? Squizzle. Ain't dey sayin' He — He — He? Interlocutor. In spite of all that, I think that every man should get married. Fizzle. Wliy? Interlocutor. Well, think of a poor single man. He goes home after work to a cold room. Fizzle. Cold room. Interlocutor. He has to wash in cold water. Fizzle. Cold water. Interlocutor. Then he has to sit down to a cold meal. Squizzle. En if he's married his wife will make hit hot fer him, eh? {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Skipton Squizzle will now render his pleasing little ditty entitled ( Squizzle sings. ) Interlocutor. The way you said cold water a while ago, Mr. Fizzle, it would seem that you do not like w^ater. Fizzle. Hit's de only thing I drink. 14 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Jumbo. Don't yo' get a bath every Saturday night, nigger? Fizzle. More en Saturday night — I gits a bath every time ma ole woman does some washin'. I gits a bath in de blue- water. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, I asked you to stop at the drug-store for me ; did you ? Zip. Yes sir. Interlocutor. Did you get what I wanted? Zip. No sir, de man ain't got hit. Interlocutor. You mean to say he had no anti- phlogistine ? Zip. Well, I didn't tell him dat. I fergot how ter say hit, so I tole him hit sounds something lak ach du lieber augustine. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Did you get the other article I sent you for? Zip. He ain't got dat, either. Interlocutor. No pulverized pumice stone, either? SouizzLE. No wonder. Interlocutor. No wonder? No wonder what? Squizzle. He axes de man fer pulverize puiferice. {La^igh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Jum, I wonder if you can tell me why soldiers are so tired on the first of April. JvMBO {thinking). Why are soldiers so tired on de first of April? Yo' ain't tryin' ter fool me, is yer? Interlocutor. No, that is a legitimate question. Jumbo {aside). Dat's w^hat hit sounds lak. Now let's see — firstly — den foremostly — I guess hit's be- cause dey has just finished thirty-one days of March. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Squizzle, you look worried. Squizzle. I is worried. Interlocutor. And what has disturbed your mental equipoise? Squizzle. Hey? Zip. Dat's just hit — hay; lak all donkeys, he eats too much. smokeville's social 15 Squizzle. I scorns de base collusion. Interlocutor. Well, what is the matter? Squizzle. I'se jes' thinking how narrowly I 'scaped losin' ma life yesterday on er excursion. De steamer was full, en so was everybody else. De blue waves rippled en de sunlight danced. De little birds hlled deyselves wid melody en de men dey filled deyselves wid somefin else. When all was bright en gay en nobody war er thinking of de afterward hereafter, bang — 'long come er awful 'splosion, blowin' de steamer sky high, en kill every man, woman, en chile on de boat. (Pause.) Interlocutor (after waiting). And how did you escape, Mr. Squizzle? Squizzle. How did I escape? I stayed home. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, I'm told that you purchased a plantation in Alabama. Zip. Dat's jes' what I'se done. Cost me $40,000. Interlocutor. All paid for, I hope? Zip. Sho it am — paid eleben doUahs down en gib ma note fer de res'. Interlocutor. Is it a healthy locality? Zip. Healthy? Well, I should snicker. Why, no- body ever dies dere, not even de niggers. Dey jes' dry up en blow way. Dar hasn't been a doctor dere since Christofo Columbine drove slaves in Baltimore. Interlocutor. It must be a great sanitorium. Zip (dunifounded). A which unorium? Interlocutor. Sanitorium. A place where people go to recover their health. Zip. Zactly, sir, zactly. Las' summer a man come dar frum de norf. He war awful sick. He had de cunfused confounded consumption of de liver. His lungs war all gone en he breave through his gills lak a fish. He brought his coffin en pallbearers along, en had his 'bituary notice all made out. Interlocutor. Well ? Zip. Well? I should say well. He kum ter ma i5 smokeville's social plantation, en yo' never seed a man improve so. 'Fore he'd been there an hour he turn er handspring, kicked de bottom out of his coffin, hcked all de pallbearers, sassed ma mudder-in-law, chased a nigger ten miles, chopped a cord of wood, en gained forty-seven pounds in weight. {Laugh.) Jumbo. Whew, dat's some lie. Zip. Some lie? Jumbo. Dat's what ah said, nigger. Yo' tole dat lie jes' because yo' thot yo' could beat me lyin', nigger. Zip. Well, I bet I kin beat yo' lyin'. Jumbo. All right, let Mr. Uppers hole de stakes. {They hand Interlocutor money.) Zip {taking center of stage). Day after to-morrow about four thousan' years ago, my great-grandchild bought a piece of ground ten miles square. In the center of this ground he planted a cane pole. Ninety years after planting it it had grow^n so long that it would reach from Portland Maine to Portland Oregon. {Laugh.) Jumbo. Dat was some pole, w^asn't it, boy? Zip. Sure was. Jumbo. Must 'a' bin fine ter look at, too, eh, boy? Zip, Well, I guess. En I guess I'se entitled to dat money. Jumbo. Hold on dar, dar's annuder county to be heard from. Last night my great-grandfather started to build a tower on a piece of ground one foot square. That tower will be finished in one thousand years from now and will reach from the earth to the moon. Zip. Whoopee! What yo' all gwine do wid such a big tower? Jumbo. Gwine er put yo' great-grandchild's cane pole in it. {Laugh.) (Interlocutor hands Jumbo money.) Fizzle. Say, Mr. Juni, is yo' a good speller? smokeville's social 17 Jumbo. Yes sir, pretty consid'able good. Fizzle. What does m-i-l-k spell? Jumbo. Hit spells mostly water. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. I passed your house yesterday, Mr. Squizzle, and saw your brother sitting on the porch. Isn't sick, is he ? Squizzle. Yes sir; we got de doctor for him. Interlocutor. What seems to be the trouble with him ? Squizzle. Dat's de funny part ob hit. Nobody seems ter know what's de matter. He can eat and sleep as well as anybody, he stays out all day in de sun and seems as well as anybody, but he can't do no work at all. Zip. Dat ain't no disease what yo' brother got, Squiz — dat's er gif. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Doesn't he follow the directions for taking his medicine ? Squizzle. Not zactly — hit says on de label " keep de bottle well corked." Interlocutor. When your brother is in good health, what kind of work is he best fitted for, Mr. Squizzle? Squizzle. A stage hand in a moving picture theatre. {Laugh.) Fizzle {laughing). Ha — ha — ha! Interlocutor. What's so funny, Mr. Fizzle? Fizzle. Fse thinking 'bout what happened yester- day. Ob course I don't have ter 'mind yo' dat dis country is at war. Well, I was milkin' a cow in de field yesterday en erlong come er man an' axes me: *' Why ain't you at the front ? " Interlocutor. What did you tell him? Fizzle. I tole him de milk was at de end where I was a-sittin' at. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. You seem to be quite a peaceful man. Fizzle. Yes, sir, but my voice is for war. Zip. How about de rest ob yo' body ? Jumbo. De res' ob yo' body ain't no good in war if vou cain't tote a rifle. 1 8 SMOKE VILLE's SOCIAL Interlocutor. That's right, Mr. Jum; your rifle is your best friend. Jumbo. I should say so; a man ought to treat his rifie lak he does his wife — rub hit down every day wif an oily rag. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Jumbo Jum will now interpo- late his harmonious little harmony entitled (Jumbo sings.) Zip. I killed a hog the other day, Mr. Uppers, en how much does yo* s'pose hit weighed ? Interlocutor. Well, I — perhaps it weighed Zip. Now be careful, 'member, hit war a big hog. Interlocutor. At a venture I should say it weighed Zip. Don' be rash, sir, don' be rash. Interlocutor. If you will allow me to speak, I would suggest that it weighed about two hundred pounds. Zip. Does yo' indeed? I war talkin' erbout a hog. Interlocutor. Well, say three hundred pounds. Zip. I said I killed a hog, it wasn't a rabbit. Squiz, you guess. Squizzle. Four hundred pounds. Zip. Huh, yo' is a powerful weak guesser. Has nobody got onto de idea dat I spoke of killin' a hog? Jum, yo' guess. Jumbo. Seventy-five pounds. Zip. Yo' is a fool. Fiz, yo' guess. Fizzle. Whose hog war hit? Zip. Hit war mine. Fizzle. Who owned it? Zip. I did, sir; hit war mine, hit belonged ter me. Fizzle. Hit weighed twice as much as half. Interlocutor. To save argument, Mr. Johnson, I will guess that it weighed five hundred pounds. Zip. Gemmen, I'se talkin' erbout er hog dat I killed. Interlocutor (impatiently) . Well, then, six hun- dred — seven hundred — eight hundred — a thousand pounds. SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL I9 Zip. Gemmen, once more let me relate the fact dat I killed a hog. Interlocutor. I guessed a thousand pounds. Now, for goodness sake, Mr. Johnson, how much did it weigh? Zip. I dunno, I didn't weigh hit. (Chorus.) End of Part I CURTAIN PART II (Citrtain) Interlocutor. Mr. Squizzle, were you ever in Boston? Squizzle. Yep. Interlocutor. The way the streets are laid out is quite a puzzle, don't you think? Squizzle. I should say so. Interlocutor. Get tangled up any? Squizzle. A little. I stole a monkey from a front porch, ran two miles with him and stopped to rest right on the same porch I stole him from. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Speaking of monkeys, Mr. Jum, do you believe our ancestors were monkeys? Jumbo. Who the dickens cares? What I'm tryin* ter do is ter live so dat ma descendants won't think this perticular ancestor was an ass. {Laugh.) Zip. Talkin' erbout animules, Mr. Uppers, how's de bes' way ter treat a mule what's got distemper? Fizzle. Wid respect. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Jum, I heard to-day that your son is an undertaker. I thought you told me he was a physician? Jumbo. Not at all, sir. Interlocutor. I don't like to contradict, but I'm positive you did say so. Jumbo. You misunderstood me, I'm sure. I said he followed the medical profession. {Laugh.) Squizzle. When yo' all git ter talkin' erbout doc- tors yo' make me feel sore all ober ; ebery bone in ma body aches. Zip. Yo' ought ter be glad yo' ain't a herring. {Laugh.) 20 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 21 Fizzle. Mr. Uppers, I'se tole yo' business is very- good — yo' is makin' plenty money? Interlocutor. Yes, Air. Fizzle, I am making money. I made about two thousand dollars last month — enough to pay all my bills — every dollar I owe. Jumbo. What kind of a car is yo' goin' ter buy? {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Well, Mr. Jum, money-making is an art. Jumbo. Yep, dat's right, en hit's a lost art wid me. Interlocutor. You're quite witty, Mr. Jum. Have you a running account at any of the stores? Jumbo. No sir, all still standing. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Jum will now entertain us with (Jumbo gives song or other specialty.) Interlocutor. Mr. Squizzle, you look worried; what's wrong? Squizzle. I wrote two notes last week — one to my sister asking her if I were a fool, and the other to ma gal askin' her ter be ma wife. While I war out dis mornin' somebody telephoned " Yes," and I don't know which one hit war. {Laugh.) Zip. Say, Mr. Uppers, see dat lady way back in de audience {points) ; don' she look lak Helen Brown? Fizzle. Dat's a blue dress she got on, Zip. Zip. Well, she's a female train robber. Interlocutor. Is that so? Zip. Yep, she invented de short skirt. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Skirts are goin' to be shorter next spring, I'm told. Squizzle ( musing). Shorter, shorter, little skirt, Way so high above de dirt; Be sanitary as you can. And gently turn de hose on man. 22 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Interlocutor. I don't see any cause for such short skirts, do you, Mr. Jum? Jumbo. Sometimes yo' kin see two good causes. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Fizzle, I'm told you are going to get married. Fizzle. Yep, dat's right. Interlocutor. Asked the girl's father yet? Fizzle. Went to see him in de parlor las' night. *' G-good-evenin'," I said. " Good-evenin'," he an- swered ; " how do you feel ? You look a little nerv- ous." " Flattered," I said ; " I was afraid I looked scared to deaf." (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Getting a good girl? P'tzzle. Yep, en er slick one, too. Yo' see, when I pops de question en she accepts, I says to her : " Susan, let's hev a little understandin' afore we settles down. Is yo' gwine ter be de president or vice-president of dis society ? " "I don't want either," she says. " Ah'U be content wid a minor position." Interlocutor. She's very reasonable, to be sure. Fizzle. Not when you know de res'. Interlocutor. Why, what position did she want? Fizzle. Treasurer. (Laugh.) Jumbo. Squiz, I'se tole yo' had some money lef yo'. Squizzle. Yep, lef me some time ago. Jumbo. Oh, I thought dat war de reason yo' lef yo' las' job, Squizzle. Nope. Jumbo. Warn't de work congenial? Squizzle. Jum, no work is congenial. (Pause.) In ma perfession hit's impossible ter git er day's work. Interlocutor. What is your profession, Mr. Squizzle? Squizzle. I'se er night watchman. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Johnson, how do you tell the age of a hen? Zip. By the teeth. SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 23 Interlocutor. By the teeth? Man, a hen has no teeth. Zip. No, but I have. {Laugh.) Jumbo. Say, Mr. Uppers, see dat gal out yonder dressed in brown ? Interlocutor. Yep. Jumbo. I'd lak ter squeeze her. Interlocutor. Can I tell her that? Jumbo. Does yo' know her? Interlocutor. Yep. Jumbo. Who is she? Interlocutor. She's my wife. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Socrates Fizzle will now enter- tain us with (Fizzle: Song or specialty.) SouizzLE. Mr. Uppers, what does yo' think ob dis high cost of libin'? Interlocutor. Well, it's all our own fault. If every one would raise his own vegetables it wouldn't be so bad. Souizzle. Did you have anything in yo' garden dis season? Interlocutor. Oh, yes, several varieties. Squizzle. What, for instance? Zip. His neighbor's chickens. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Yes — and do you know, there was a strange cat that would come in and scratch every- thing up? Jumbo. Why didn't yo' throw a brick at him? Interlocutor. I couldn't very well. Jumbo. Why? Fizzle. Every time Mr. Uppers would come out the door the cat would run en sit on his green house. {Laugh.) Zip. How big is yo' plantation, Mr. Uppers? Interlocutor. About a mile long as the cry flows. Jumbo. Yo' mean as the flow cries. 24 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Squizzle. No, he means as the fly crows. (All look at one another as if something is wrong. Pause. ) Fizzle. Looks lak none of yo' all went to school. Jumbo. Well, I didn't lak de school what dey sent me to. Interlocutor. Why not, Mr. Jum? Jumbo. Dey want ter teach me a lot of things I don't know anything erbout. Interlocutor. Well, they wanted you to know how to grasp an opportunity. Opportunity, you know, knocks at every man's door. Jumbo. Yep, but mos' often hit's er opportunity ter open a peanut stan', when you'd sooner open a bank. Interlocutor. But surely you'd want to know how to put your money into something safe. Squizzle. He could try a fire proof vault. ^ Interlocutor. Making fire proof vaults is my profession. I can make a fire proof vault that can be heated to white heat and not burn the contents. Zip. White heat? Interlocutor. That's v/hat I said. Zip. Whew, dat's a hot one. Fizzle. Aw pshaw — you can't hole a candle ter de stuff I make. Can't hole er candle to hit. Interlocutor. What do you make, Mr. Fizzle? Fizzle. Dynamite. (Laugh.) Jumbo (dreamily) . Dat looks lak rain. Interlocutor. What looks like rain? Squizzle. Water. (Laugh.) Interlocl^tor. Mr. Fizzle, did you see that gen- tleman in the lobby going around with that paper collecting? Fizzle. De one what was beggin' ? Interlocutor. He was not begging; he was col- lecting for the missionaries. Did you give him any- thing? Fizzle. Indirectly. Interlocutor. Indirectly? SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL 25 Fizzle. Yep, I only had a dime, so I bought soda- water wid hit. Interlocutor. Bought soda-water? (Fizzle nods.) How does buying soda-water give the mis- sionaries anything either directly or indirectly? Fizzle. Well, the soda-water man could give them the money. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. You're a perfect heathen. Fizzle. Does yo' mean dat? Interlocutor. I most certainly do. Fizzle. Den I don' put no mo' money in de col- lection plate. Interlocutor. Why? Fizzle. 'Cause I guess I'se as hard up as any other heathen. (Laugh.) Jumbo. I see I'll have ter take him to ma church. Interlocutor. What do you have in your church, Mr. Jum? Jumbo. Well, we have lovely music — Bible stories and the collect every Sunday. Fizzle. Nothing doin'. I had de colic once, en hit nearly killed me. You can't make me go where dey have hit every Sunday. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. There's as much difference be- tween you and Mr. Jum as between day and night. Fizzle. I don' know 'bout dat; we bof black. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. I mean in generosity. Fizzle. What osity? Interlocutor. Generosity. Fizzle. Who de deuce is dat? Interlocutor. Well, for instance. Mr. Jum gave his church a check for seventy-five dollars. Jumbo. Aw, Mr, Uppers — I don' lak ter parade my doin's lak dat. Interlocutor. I'm sure you don't, Mr. Jum. Jumbo. No sir, I don' lak ter show what I do — I even signed another name to de check. (Laugh.) ^ Squizzle. Mr. Jum, he got mo' money den Fiz. 26 smokeville's social Interlocutor. That's Mr. Fizzle's fault. SouizzLE No sir, hit ain't. Mr. Fizzle cain't work steady. Interlocutor. And why not? Squizzle. He war struck by er automobile. Interlocutor. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Mr. Fizzle, where were you hit? Fizzle. Well, Mr. Uppers, if I'd been carryin' er licens plate hit would er been busted ter pieces. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Did you know the driver of the machine ? Fizzle. Yes, sir. Zip. War a friend of hisn. Interlocutor. A friend? Zip. I guess so, anyway, he war out slayin'. Interlocutor. Out sleighing? Sleighing in an automobile ? Zip. Yep, certainly. He slew a cow en two dogs. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Zip Johnson will now entertain us with (Zip: Song or other specialty.) Jumbo. See that woman over there, Zip? She's a bombastic nutt, a windjammer inanity, a false alarm and an encumbrance of the earth. Zip. Would you mind writing dat down for me? Jumbo. For what? Zip. She's my wife, an' I should lak ter use hit on 'er some time. Interlocutor. You should be careful how you talk, Mr. Jum, and to whom. Zip. Oh, I agrees wid him, Mr. Uppers. Why, only de odder day she axes me if she could have one hundred dollahs per month spendin' money. smokeville's social 27 Interlocutor. What did you tell her? Zip. I tole her certainly, if she could find hit. {Laugh.) Fizzle. She's got er master mind, all right. Squizzle. En Zip is de man ter master hit, too. Interlocutor. Is she a suffragette, Mr. Johnson? Zip. She sho am. Interlocutor. Are you in favor of suffrage? Zip. I wish women had hit already. Interlocutor. Why? Zip. When women get suffrage dey won't want ter move so often for fear of losing their votes. {Laugh. ) Squizzle. She's a pretty woman all right, Zip. Jumbo. Says her face is her fortune. Zip. Hit's a good thing she can't leave her fortune to anybody. {Laugh.) Fizzle. She sure got beautiful teeth. Jumbo. Yep, dey looks jes' lak stars. Zip. En dey come out every night, too. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. How old is she, Mr. Johnson? Zip. She'll be thirty next week. Interlocutor. Thirty — that's fine; you ought to get her a nice present. Something that will spread out and show up fine. Jumbo. Buy her five dollars' worth of rice, and boil it. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. Mr. Skipton Squizzle will now entertain us with (Squizzle : Song or other specialty.) Interlocutor. We were talking about woman's suffrage, Mr. Fizzle. Do you think women would make good politicians? Fizzle. No, I don't; they would keep too near to trusts. Interlocutor. In what way? Fizzle. Why, the next thing to a woman is a combination. ( Laugh. ) Jumbo. That may be, but most women are against 28 smokeville's social trusts. I'll give yo' an illustrating idea. We used to take ice from de ice trust, now ma wife takes frum an independent ice man. Interlocutor. And the reason is? Jumbo. She said the new man tole her he would give her colder ice for de same money. {Laugh.) Squizzle. Say, Mr. Uppers, does yer know dat Mr. Jum had er addition ter his family last week? Interlocutor. My compliments, Mr. Jum. Is it a boy or girl? Jumbo. Hit's er girl. Interlocutor. Have you named it yet? Jumbo. Yep, we call hit " Exy." Interlocutor. " Exy " ? That's a queer name, isn't it ? Jumbo. Well, we call her dat for short. Her real name is most beautiful; we found hit in er medicine book. Interlocutor. Quite technical, eh? What's her real name? Jumbo. Eczema. {Laugh.) Interlocutor. You must expect her to be scien- tific when she grows up. Jumbo. Why so? Interlocutor. Her name would indicate that. That is, if her name is any index to her future. Jumbo. What has scientific to do with it? Interlocutor. Do you know what science is? Jumbo. No, what is it? Interlocutor. I'll illustrate. Jumbo. Then it'll be prostrate. Interlocutor. Prostrate nothing. To illustrate, you take a glass. Jumbo. A schooner? Interlocutor. No, not a schooner. You take a glass. Jumbo. Of whiskey? Interlocutor. No, not whiskey — you take a glass of water. Jumbo. I can't drink water. Interlocutor. Why not? smokeville's social 29 Jumbo. My doctor tole me I have er iron constitu- tion, and Fse 'fraid water will rust hit. Interlocutor. Never mind your constitution. You take a glass of water, you look at it Zip. And wish hit war whiskey. Interlocutor. Nothing of the sort. You look at it and it looks perfecily clear. But, science steps in and puts a microscope over it. Then you see the glass full of bugs. Now do you understand what science is? Jumbo. Yep, hit's er glass full of bugs under a microscope. (Laugh.) Squizzle. Mr. Uppers, yo' is well eddicated, ain't yo'? Interlocutor. Well, I don't boast of my knowl- edge. Squizzle. Is yo' good at figgers? Interlocutor. Fairly so. Squizzle. Let's see if yo' kin figger dis. Shall I permeate de question? Interlocutor. Yes, go ahead. Squizzle. Yo' is at ease, is yer? Interlocutor. Perfectly so. Squizzle. An ole woman had five children — did yo' get them? Interlocutor. The five children? Squizzle. No, that part of de 'zample. An old woman had five children — she also had three ap- ples Interlocutor. She had five children, and three apples. Squizzle. How did she divide them evenly among the five children? Interlocutor. I'm afraid I'll have to give that up, Mr. Squizzle. How did she divide them? Squizzle. She made apple sauce. (Laugh.) TuMBo. Mr. Uppers, s'pose yo' entertains us er bit? (Interlocutor sings or does specialty.) Zip. Mr. Uppers, is yo' good at guessing? Interlocutor. Well, I won't refuse to try. 30 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Zip. a boy bought five eggs for twenty-five cents. What did he buy them for? Interlocutor. What did he buy them for? — er, to eat? Zip. Nope. Interlocutor. To set? Zip. Nope. Interlocutor. Then for what? Zip. For a quarter. Squizzle, I'd lak ter ask dis whole congregation of eclipses a question. Interlocutor. You mean that all of us will have a chance to guess? Squizzle. Dat's 'zactly what I mean. Interlocutor. You must have an interesting question, Mr. Squizzle. Go ahead. Squizzle. You first, Mr. Uppers; why is a lady's belt like an ash cart? Interlocutor. Why is a lady's belt like an ash cart? er — ahem (All deep in thought.) Interlocutor. I give up. Squizzle. You guess, Jum. Jumbo. I guess — I'll give up too. Squizzle. Yo' guess, Fiz. Fizzle. Ah guess I'll do de same. Squizzle. Yo' all ain't ladies' men, is yo'? Yo' guess. Zip. Zip. Guess I'm in de same fix as de res'. Squizzle. Why is a lady's belt like an ash cart ? Interlocutor. That's the question you asked. Now why? Squizzle. 'Cause hit goes 'round and gathers the waist. (Laugh.) Jumbo. Dat nigger ought to have a beatin' for dat. Fizzle. He got a good beatin' de odder night, Jum. Squizzle. Yep, en I sho felt lak Laz'rus, too. Interlocutor. Felt like Lazarus? How is that? Squizzle. Don't de good book say Laz'rus war licked by de dogs? (Laugh.) Zip. Mr. Uppers, who war de lady yo' war wif de odder day? 31 Interlocutor. That young lady ? Zip. Young? Dis must be her second time on earth. Interlocutor. She's good looking, don't you think? Zip. Yes sir. (Aside.) She'd have ter sneak up on de dipper to git er drink. Interlocutor. How do you hke her carriage? Zip. Carriage? Fine. (Aside.) She war ridin' m er wheelbarrow when I seed her. Interlocutor. I mean her walk, of course. Zip. Yes sir, I lak a girl wif a good walk; saves carfare. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Notice how she glides erlong? Zip. Yes sir, she sho do. (Aside.) Can't help hit; her feet's too big ter lif off de ground. (Laugh.) (Pause.) Interlocutor. I was just thinking what a great country this is, so big, so great all round. Every day of any consequence celebrated by a national holiday. Fizzle. Dey ought ter have a national junk day, when every house en barn en shed is cleaned of hits junk. Squizzle. Lor' a mussy, man, think how many homes would have little left in them. (Laugh.) Interlocutor. Some of the lessons of our great men are true and wonderful too. Think of George Washington. I have one characteristic he had. Fizzle. What's dat? Interlocutor. I never told lies when I was a boy. Fizzle, When did yo' begin? (Laugh.) Interlocutor. And think of the fine churches we have. Zip. And the 180,000 saloons, too. Interlocutor. And all the millionaires we have. Squizzle. And all our paupers, too. Interlocutor. Mr. Jum, you are too quiet for such a patriotic citizen. We'd all like to hear your famous oration on " our country." 32 SMOKEVILLE S SOCIAL Fizzle. Yes sir, dat's de bes' oration what was ever orated. (Jumbo takes center of stage.) Jumbo. Fellow citizens, dis sho am a great country of ours. We've got de greatest aggregation of libertines and liars, politicians and poverty — Christians and chain gangs — schools and scalawags — trusts and tramps — money and misery — plenty and hunger — virtue and vice dat ever aggregated. Why, we've got men in de penitentiary wiv two wives, and a man in Congress who's got three. We make canned beef out of horses en sick cows, and corpses out of de people dat eat hit. We've got newspapers dat sup- press de truf and get rich fer lying. We got trusts dat hold up and poverty dat hold down. We make hit possible for thieves ter vote, en women can't. We've got men in jail for stealing bread en in Con- gress for stealing railroads. Hit's er veritable circus — we've got good things en bad things, hot things en cold things, all kinds en sizes, all colors en varieties, et cetera and so forth. We've got de greatest circus on earth — en de admission is free. {Final Chorus.) CURTAIN Successful Plays for All Girls In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List YOUNG DOCTOR DEVINE. A Farce in Two Acts, by Mrs. E. J. H. Goodfellow. One of the most popular plays for girls. For nine female characters. Time in playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interior. Mod- ern costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learning that a young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, eagerly con- sult each other as to the manner of fascinating the physician. When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils discover that the physician is a female practitioner. Price, 15 cents. SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in One Act, by Frank DuMONT. For eleven females. Time, thirty minutes. Costumes, fantastic gowns, or dominoes. Scene, interior. A grand expose of Masonry. Some women profess to learn the secrets of a Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands talk in their sleep, and they institute a similar organization. Price, 15 cents. A COMMANDING POSITION. A Farcical Enter- tainment, by Amelia Sanford. For seven female char- acters and ten or more other ladies and children. Time, one hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy interiors and one street scene. Marian Young gets tired living with her aunt, Miss Skinflint. She decides to "attain a commanding position." Marian tries hospital nursing, college settlement work and school teaching, but decides to go back to housework. Price, 15 cents. HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten female characters. Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. Costumes, modern. Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's "the deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it they mtist win the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose a possible ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dearest friend. Maude sees Mabel has a secret, she coaxes and Mabel tells her. But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to another friend and so the secret travels. Price, 15 cents. THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter- iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the play is located at a summer resort. Alice Graham, in order to chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims her as a sister-in-law, then denounces her. The onerous duties of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many obstacles, furnish an evening of rare enjoyment. Price 15 cents. THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY PHILADELPHIA LIBRARY OF CONGRESS mi T^ i. -^ 016 215 230 # The Power of Expression Expression and efficiency go hand in hand. The power of clear and forceful expression brings confi- dence and poise at all times — in private gatherings, in public discussion, in society, in business. It is an invaluable asset to any man or woman. It can often be turned into money, but it is always a real joy. In learning to express thought, we learn to command thought itself, and thought is power. You can have this power if you will. Whoever has the power of clear expression is always sure of himself. The power of expression leads to: The ability to think "on your feet" Successful public speaking Effective recitals The mastery over other minds Social prominence Business success Efficiency in any undertaking Are these things worth while? They are all successfully taught at The National School of Elocution and Oratory, which during many years has de- veloped this power in hundreds of men and women. A catalogue giving full information as to how any of these accomplishments may be attained will be sent free on request THE NATIONAL SCHOOL OF ELOCUTION AND ORATORY Parkway Building Philadelphia