^ OF Class JES3JJi_ BookJaii.'Pl- GoipghtN \^ce COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. GeraldIx\e a. Faro PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES BY GERALDINE A. FARO CHICAGO A. FLANAGAN COMPANY <^'b LIBRARY of CONGRESS Two Copies Received DEC 24 1906 y. C»pyrl«tit Entry , CLASS A XXc., No. COPY B. Copyright 1906 BY A. FLANAGAN COMPANY THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED TO MT BEST FRIEND, MY MOTEEE CONTENTS PAGE. Cupid's Hour. Play 7 A Deal in Wheat. Play 30 The Governess. Play 44 The Burglar. Monologue 54 In a Latin Quarter. Monologue 59 The Coquette. Monologue 63 In the Dentist's Chair. Monologue 67 Her First Visit to the Country. Monologue 71 The Last Note. Play = 76 A Bargain Episode. Monologue 87 "CUPID'S HOUR." A PLAY IN ONE ACT. Time: The Present. Scene: Mrs. Tyrrell's Library. Two doors, one to hall, an- other to dining room. "Window. Screen. Books. Solid Furni- ture. Table. Sofa. Piano. Place: England. PERSONS IN THE PLAY. The Honorable Mrs. Tyrrell. Lady Becky (her daughter). Wilbur Johnston (a young American neighbor.) Lord Reginald Philips. Marie (a servant). Discovered: The Honorable Mrs. Tyrrell, seated on sofa embroidering fancy work. Marie arranging books. A few seconds elapses before they speak. Mrs. Tyrrell: Marie, has Lady Becky returned from school ^ 7 5:> PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Marie : No, madam. Mrs. Tyrrell: Not returned? Impossible! {To Marie.) Immediately upon her return send her to me. Marie: Here she is, madam. {Becky enters dancing; upon seeing Mrs. Tyrrell stops abruptly and curtseys.) Mrs. Tyrrell {severely) : Becky, do you know that you are late? Two minutes after the usual time? Lady Becky {timidly) : Yes, ma'am — I ^ Mrs. Tyrrell: Becky! Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell : And will you never realize that I am most punctilious about the time you spend on the way from school? Lady Becky: No, ma'am — I mean yes, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell : Becky, have you forgotten your man- ners ? Lady Becky: No, ma'am — yes, ma'am {curtseys very clumsily). Mrs. Tyrrell: Oh, you are so awkward, so very awk- ward. Will it always be necessary for me to enumerate your insufficiencies? Lady Becky : No, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell: Other mothers can be proud of their ** CUPID'S HOUR" g children while I — oh, dear (sighs); oh, dear! (Begins to sew; Marie is still arranging book ease. Becky goes up stage and puts her arms around Marie, giznng her a hard squeeze. Mrs. Tyrrell turns around just as she is kiss- ing her.) (Horrified.) Becky! Oh, that a Tyrrell should live to see one of her descendants display such vulgar feelings toward a housemaid. (Turns to Becky severely.) Young lady — hereafter if you have any superfluous af- fection to bestow your mother will receive it. Do not again misdirect your emotion. Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am — no, ma am. (Pulls at her skirt nervously.) Mrs. Tyrrell : Now, what are you doing. In my nu- merous lessons of propriety have you not gained a clear conception of what is expected of a young lady of your position. I see it will be necessary in the future to com- press my instruction into fewer words, concise as I have been. Lady Becky (timidly) : Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell : Now, take off your hat and you may practice for a short time, ten minutes. Your musical ed- ucation has been slighted the past year. I shall leave you alone as I have some duties which require my attention. Pay the strictest attention to your fingering (exit). Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am. (Curtseys loiv. Takes off 10 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES her hat, slowly 7i'alks to piano, playing a fezv bars very precisely, arranging fingers before playing. Listening for a moment at the door she runs to zvindoiv waving handkerchief at some one opposite. Enter Mrs. Tyrrell.) Mrs. Tyrrell: Becky! To whom were you waving? Answer! {Pause.) To whom were you waving? Lady Becky: To Wilbur Johnston {nervously). Mrs. Tyrrell: To Wilbur Johnston! Horrible! Most horrible ! Do you admit that after all my teachings you have actually been guilty of such poor form as to culti- vate an acquaintance of such low birth as our neighbors, the Johnstons, and you the daughter of a Tyrrell ? Lady Becky {meekly) : His father is the cousin of an Earl, twice removed Mrs. Tyrrell: And do you take his part, a man who made his money in sugar? Lady Becky: He can't help that. Wilbur has said that Mrs. Tyrrell: Go to your room instantly. Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell : No, you remain. I received a letter from Lord Philips this morning asking your hand in mar- riage. Lady Becky: But I *' CUPID'S HOUK'» II Mrs. Tyrrell : Becky ! Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am (curtseys), Mrs. Tyrrell : For some time it has been my desire to combine the two estates and your marriage with him would be considered a most brilliant match. Lord Phil- ips will call this afternoon and remember that you are to assume your prettiest manners. Resume your prac- ticing and banish every other idea from your mind (exit). (Lady Becky curtseys, then returns to piano and repeats business of fingering. After a feiu moments she zvhccls about on stool and finally, after cautiously peering through door runs to zcindow and iMstles softly. Then, after short pause, beckons. Wilbur, outside, calls, ''Hello r) Lady Becky : Come on over. Wilbur (outside) : Anybody there? Lady Becky: No, I am all alone. Come on over. Wilbur: No — I'm afraid! Besides, Marie won't let me in! Lady Becky (coaxing) : Oh, come on — come through the window ; it isn't very high. Wilbur: All right! Lady Becky (screams) : Oh, don't fall. Wilbur (appears astride zvindoiv sill) : Oh, don't J 2 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES scream, Becky, somebody might hear. {Jumps into room. Mrs. Tyrrell is heard off stage calling, ''Becky!") Lady Becky (frightened, runs to door) : Yes, ma'am! (To Wilbur) Get behind the screen. (Wilbur knocks over a chair in attempt to reach screen and clumsily hides. Enter Mrs. Tyrrell in street dress.) Mrs. Tyrrell : I did not hear you practicing ; why did you scream? Lady Becky (holding finger) : Hurt my finger. Mrs. Tyrrell : Oh, when will you learn to conduct your- self as other children do ? ( Wilbur rattles screen. Mrs. Tyrrell turns quickly. Becky screams to attract Mrs. Tyrrell's attention.) Mrs. Tyrrell (startled) : Why, Becky, what on earth is the matter? Lady Becky: Oh, my finger— oh— oh— oh ! Mrs. Tyrrell: Let me see it (looking at finger). I see nothing— not even the slightest bruise. Lady Becky (looking tozvards screen) : Oh, you can't see it. It's there— oh — oh— (cries). Mrs. Tyrrell: Well, it might be something serious; come with me and we will see a physician. Lady Becky (quickly): Oh, it is all right now. it doesn't hurt a bit. *' CUPID'S HOUR" 13 Mrs. Tyrrell : Well, that is strange, very strange. (IVarningly) Practice faithfully. Lord Philips may call, and if he comes before my return, remember your man- ners, Becky, your manners. (Exit. Becky curtseys, then cautiously advances tozvards screen.) Wilbur : My, that was a close shave ! Lady Becky: Why did you make that dreadful noise? Wilbur : I couldn't help it. My, but I was scared stiff. Lady Becky: So was L Wilbur : You know you're awful smart. Gee, 1 like a girl like you. Lady Becky (shyly) : Do you? Wilbur : You bet. Every girl hasn't as much pluck as you have. (Anxiously) Say, do you suppose she will come back? Lady Becky: Not for a while, but you must be care- ful. Lord Philips is to call this afternoon, and you never could guess why he is coming. Wilbur (sitting on sofa) : To see your mother? Lady Becky (shaking her head) : No Wilbur: Then why? Lady Becky: To see me (sits beside Wilbur). Wilbur: What for? 14 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Lady Becky : He is going to marry me. Wilbur {drazds) : Are you going to marry him? Lady Becky : Well, I suppose so, if he marries me. Wilbur : Why, he is old enough to be your father. Lady Becky {thoughtfully) : Is he? Wilbur : Yes. {Slozdy) And . so you're going to marry him? Lady Becky (artfully) : If I don't see anybody I like better. Wilbur (Thoughtfully looking straight ahead) : And so you're going to marry him? Lady Becky { glancing at him quickly, resentfully) : I said if nobody else asks me. Wilbur : Say, look here, Becky, do you like him ? Lady Becky (shakes head) : I don't know. Wilbur: Don't know? Lady Becky : No ; I have never seen him. Wilbur: Never have seen him? Lady Becky: No! Wilbur : Well, then, how did he see you ? Lady Becky : He hasn't, yet. *' CUPID'S HOUK" 15 Wilbur: Well, then, will you please tell me how he wants to marry you if he hasn't seen you ? Lady Becky: He has seen my mother. Wilbur (dryly) : Oh, I see. That's the reason. {Pause, both looking straight ahead.) Say, do you really want to marry him? {Lady Becky shakes her head.) Then why don't you say no? . Lady Becky: Can't! Wilbur: Why not? Lady Becky: I'm afraid. Wilbur: Is that all ? {Becky shakes her head.) Then what is the reason? Lady Becky {moving closer to him) :• Might be an old maid. Wilbur: Is that all? Why, I like old maids. Once I knew Lady Becky : Don't you like anybody but old maids ? Wilbur: Why, of course, I like lots of people. Lady Becky {moving closer to him) : Do you like some people more than you like other people? Wilbur {drawls): Yes— I Lady Becky : What people do you like better than other people ? J 5 PLAYS AXD MONOLOGUES Wilbur : Well — I like my mother and my father and Lady Becky (anxiously): And? Wilbur : And — Oh, I don't know. Lady Becky (disappointed): You don't know? Wilbur (quickly) : Oh, yes, and I like you. Lady Becky: Do you? Wilbur : Yes — I think you're the nicest girl I ever met. Lady Becky (sighs) : Do you? Wilbur: Yes — say, Becky, I'm awful sorry you're go- ing to get married. Lady Becky (still looking away) : Are you? Wilbur: Yes — I'll be awfully lonesome. Lady Becky: Will you? Wilbur : I suppose he'll take you away ? Lady Becky : I suppose so. Wilbur : I wish he wouldn't. Lady Becky (quickly) : Oh, but he will. Wilbur (dejectedly) : Yes, I suppose he will. (Pause.) Say, do you like me? Lady Becky (shyly) : Yes, I believe I do. <* CUPID'S HOUR 17 Wilbur: Do you think you could like me better than you could like Lord Philips? Lady Becky (teasingly) : Well, I don't know ; 1 haven't seen him yet. Wilbur: Well, if you could like me Lady Becky (quickly) : Yes -Wilbur (slowly) : Well — if you could like me as well as Lady Becky (impatiently) : As well as- Wilbur: As well as — (looking towards door un- easily) — say, do you suppose anybody will come? Lady Becky (moves towards end of sofa) : Oh, I don't know. Wilbur: Oh, don't look so cross, Becky — you're not nearly so pretty when you scowl. (Becky smiles and moves towards him.) Do you know that you are very pretty, Becky? Lady Becky (shyly) : Oh, am I? Wilbur : Yes — I think you are. Lady Becky : Maybe Lord Philips will, too. Wilbur : Becky. Lady Becky: What is it, Wilbur? 1 8 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Wilbur: Becky, would you just as soon — would you just as soon Lady Becky: Just as soon what, Wilbur ? Wilbur (uneasily) : Would you just as soon marry — marry Lady Becky (eagerly) : Yes. Wilbur: Would you just as soon marry — (looks to- ward door). Say, do you suppose anybody will come? Lady Becky (impatient) : Oh, Wilbur, I don't know. (Moves to other end of sofa.) Wilbur: Well, as I was saying, would you just as soon marry — (Marie, outside, says, "This zvay. Lord Philips.'' Wilbur and Becky rise quickly). Oh, pshaw! I knew some one would come. Lady Becky: Oh, hide, Wilbur — run! Wilbur (all excitement, running from one door to an- other, and finally straddles zvindow sill): Where! Where ! Lady Becky: Not there, Wilbur, there isn't time.' Be- hind the screen! (Enter Lord Philips as Wilbur secretes himself.) Lady Becky (curtseys) : How do you do? Lord Philips (bowing) : To whom have I the pleas- ure? "CUPID'S HOUE'' 19 ...Xady.Becky; I'm Lady Becky. Lord Philips : I beg your pardon, but there must be some mistake. I understood Mrs. Tyrrell to say that- well, that her daughter was a young lady. Lady Becky : I attend a young ladies' school. Lord Philips: I see— I see. (;ScruHmccs her closely and using monocle.) How old are you? Lady Becky : I'm eighteen— but mother always says I am sixteen. Lord Philips : Oh, I see ! (Again uses monocle.) . Lady Becky [aside) : I wish he would put that thing downi it makes me nervous. (To Lord Philips) : Won't you be seated ? Mother will be back directly. Lord Philips: Thank you. (Sits.) And so you are eighteen ? Lady Becky: Yes. (Slozdy.) Mother says that you — that you Lord Philips (kindly) : Yes. Lady Becky ■ (hesitates) : ]\Iother says— mother says that you would— would like to marry me. Lord Philips (amused): Well? Lady Becky (uneasily) : Well! Lord Philips: Well? 20 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Lady Becky : Well, I thought Lord Philips that maybe as I'm not grown up as much as you thought I was — you'd as soon not. Lord Philips (surprised) : Well, I declare, you quite surprise me and I really Lady Becky : Yes, I know but I— that is mother— oh, Lord Philips, please say no — you see I like— that is I think he likes — (Wilbur nods to her to go on). Lord Philips: Well, but your mother said Lady Becky: Yes, I know mother said— but she wouldn't mind— you see Lord Philips all mother wants is your title, she thinks it would be an advantage to have me marry you, but really, she doesn't like you a bit — why, only the other day I heard her tell Lady Winthrop that you were an awful old stick, and if it wasn't for your title and money you would scarcely be endurable. Lord Philips (angrily): You don't say so! Lady Becky : Oh, yes, I do and then Lady Winthrop said that you were one of that stupid sort of persons who almost menace our social system. Mother said, after Lady Winthrop had gone, that the thing was conclusive, that now she knew that Lady Winthrop was jealous and wanted you herself. Lord Philips (angrily) : Well, these are indeed glim- merings of intelligence that I never knew existed. ''CUPID'S HOUR" 21 Lady Becky : But do you know, Lord Philips, I don't agree with them. I think you are very nice. Lord Philips (taken aback) : Well, I am sure. Lady Becky, that I feel highly honored by the compliment you pay me. (Bows. Wilbur peers out from behind the screen imitating Lord Philips' bow. Becky looks at him disapprovingly. ) Lady Becky: Yes, really I like you. {Wilbur shakes head at her. Becky affects not to see him.) Yes, I don't think you a bit stiff and you are really quite handsome. Lord Philips (stii^y) : Really, Lady Becky. Lady Becky : But, Lord Philips, you don't really want to marry me, do you? Lord Philips: Well, no — I rather think not. Lady Becky (anxiously) : And you're not angry with me, are you? Lord Philips: No, indeed (bo'H'ing) , be assured that I could not entertain any such feeling toward such a charming young lady as yourself. (Wilbur imitates the boiv until Lord Philips kisses Becky's hand, then he rat- tles screen. Lord Philips looks round. Becky saves the situation by a sudden scream.) (Excitedly) What is it, my dear? Did you hurt yourself? Lady Becky: No, no, I merely knocked my hand 22 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES (smiling). It is all right now. Please be seated. (As Lord Philips seats himself, Becky goes up behind sofa and as Wilhnr peers out she zmves her hand at him and they fuss hack and forth. Lord Philips looks up and Becky comes dozm quickly.) Lord Philips : I really feel that I had better be going. Lady Becky: Can't you wait for mother? She surely cannot be much longer. Do stay. {Wilbur makes grim- aces, trying to attract Becky's attention.) Lord Philips: Very well, to please you. Do you know you have made me feel quite at home? Lady Becky: Have I? Lord Philips: Yes, indeed you have. Lady Becky: I am glad of that, for if I had not I would have felt very sorry. If I had met you sooner, Lord Philips, I might Lord Philips {quickly) : Yes, you might Lady Becky : I might have liked you very much. Lord Philips {hopefully) : Maybe it is not too late now. {Business for Wilbur.) Lady Becky : Oh, yes, it is. You see I did not know you until today, and when one meets some one only today when they met someone else yesterday, that is, I mean << CUPID'S HOUR" 23 (confused), well, of course, they like the somebody of yesterday better than the somebody Of today. Lord Philips: Oh, I see, then there is someone else? Lady Becky (glancing tozvard screen, Wilbur nods) : Yes. Lord Philips : Then, of course, it makes a difference ; but I was sure your mother said • Lady Becky : Yes, mother — that is, mother doesn't know. (Lord Philips smiles and nods.) Lord Philips: I thought so. Lady Becky: It happened this way: mother wants me to marry a title, but really I don't care for a title and besides Wilbur has an uncle who has a title. (Excitedly turns to screen, forgetting herself.) Haven't you, Wil- bur? (Starts.) Lord Philips (looking around, using monocle): Eh! Lady Becky : I mean, don't you know that Wilbur has a title? Lord Philips : I must confess. Lady Becky, that I am quite at sea, as I do not recognize the name you mention. Lady Becky : Oh, that is so ; you don't know Wilbur, do you? Lord Philips: Did I understand you to say that the gentleman has asked your hand in marriage? 24 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Lady Becky: Well I — (glances tozvard screen) — that is, I — (Wilbur nods yes) — well — (relieved) — yes, he has ! Lord Philips : And you have accepted ? Lady Becky: Well (teasingly) — well, not exactly. (Wilhur looks disappointed.) Lord Philips (quickly) : You mean? Lady Becky: But I think— I shall. Lord Philips: Oh! Lady Becky: Lord Philips, won't you help me? You see, if mother thinks there is any opportunity to gain a title she never vv^ill give it up. Oh, please — please tell her that you do not want me. Lord Philips: Well, I could hardly be truthful and tell her that now that I have seen yon, Lady Becky, but there might be some other way. Lady Becky : Oh, please — please find a way. Lord Philips : Let me think ! Lady Becky : Yes — yes ! Lord Philips : I might write and withdraw my offer. Lady Becky: Yes. Lord Philips (rising) : I zvill write. Lady Becky: Lord Philips, you're a dear! (Throzvs '' CUPID \S HOUR" 25 her arms around his neck, then seeing Wilbur, confusedly disengages herself and curtseys.) I beg your pardon. Lord Philips : Not at all ! Not at all, my dear. And now I will say good afternoon and I wish you every hap- piness. (Bozvs and exit.) Lady Becky (follozving him to door, sighs) : Oh, Wil- bur, isn't he handsome? (Wilbur comes out.) Wilbur: Well, I don't see anything to rave about in him. He's got more nerve than any one I ever saw. Lady Becky (crossly) : Well, you needn't be so snappy. I think he is a perfect — what's that man's name? — oh, yes, Apollo! Wilbur: Apollo! Well, I suppose it is only a matter of opinion. Lady Becky: Yes, it is a matter of opinion. But I was so deceived in you, as Longfellow said once, "Oh, that deceit should dwell in such a gorgeous palace." Wilbur : Longfellow never said that. Lady Becky (angrily) : Are you going to contradict every word I say? Wilbur: No, but honestly, Becky, Longfellow never said that. Lady Becky: Well, I suppose you can tell me who did (haughtily). 26 FLAY a AND MONOLOGUES Wilbur : Surely. Juliet says that of Romeo. Lady Becky : Well, supposing she did, WhatV^lre' dif- ference, it was said, wasn't it ? Wilbur: Yes, you're right, Becky, but don't be cross, Becky, you're not nearly so pretty. Lady Becky (anxiously): I'm not? Well, I'm not cross. Wilbur: Well, you were, and. when a girl is going to marry a man she doesn't usually get cross with him, and you are going to marry me ! Lady Becky : No, I'm not ; I've changed my mind. Wilbur : Oh, you don't mean that, Becky. Lady Becky: Yes, I do, and you can go right home, and I don't care whether I ever see you again or not. So ! Wilbur: Yes, you do, Becky. (Goes over to her.) Lady Becky: No, I don't, and you can just go home. Wilbur (sighs) : Well, all right; I'll go. (Starts to- ward window. When Becky sees that he really intends going she pretends to cry, sobbing very hard. Wilbur comes back quickly and takes her into his arms awk- wardly.) Oh, I say, Becky, don't cry like that, it makes a fellow feel bad. Lady Becky : Well, you don't care for me a bit (sobs) . CUPID'S HOUK 27 Wilbur: Why, yes, I do — only- Lady Becky: Well, you never said you loved me (sobs). Wilbur: I haven't had a chance. Lady Becky (looks up shyly)-: Well, you have now. (Embrace. Enter Mrs. Tyrrell, shocked at sight.) , Mrs. Tyrrell: Becky! Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am (frightened) - Mrs. Tyrrell : What does this mean ? Lady Becky: It means (frightened). Mrs; Tyrrell: Well? Lady Becky: It means (sobs) — oh, mother. Lord Philips has refused to marry me and Wilbur was just consoling me (sobs). Wilbur (zi'ith courage) : Yes, Mrs. Tyrrell, I told Becky not to mind. Mrs. Tyrrell: Go to your room instantly, Becky. (To Wilbur) As for you, sir (Enter Marie). Marie: A note for you, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell: For me! (Opens it and reads.) "My dear Mrs. Tyrrell — " What? 'T must apologize for call- ing so early this afternoon and thank you for your in- vitation. With deepest regrets I beg that you will not 28 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES misunderstand me when I ask your permission to with- draw from the marriage arrangement in which we were both so interested, but having seen your daughter, I re- alize how impossible it would be for me to consider mar- riage with such a mere child. "With deepest regrets, I beg to remain, your sincere friend, Reginald Philips." So! so! {Becky sobs louder and louder). My poor child ! Aly poor, child ! Lady Becky: Now, Fll be an old maid! (Sobs loudly. ) Mrs. Tyrrell: Do not be disappointed, dear. I clearly see what a mistake I might have made in sacri- ficing you to such a profligate. I have learned a lesson. Lady Becky (sobbing) : Yes, ma'am. Wilbur: Mrs. Tyrrell I love Becky and if you think my suit worthy of consideration I Lady Becky (sobs) : His father's second cousin to an Earl, twice removed. Mrs. Tyrrell : Becky, do you love Mr. Johnston ? Lady Becky : Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Tyrrell (sighs) : Life is very strange, very strange. Well, you may choose for yourself, as my choice has been so unsuccessful. You may spend ten ''CUPID'S HO UK" . 29 minutes together. (Exit. Becky and Wilbur bow and then stand looking at each other.) Wilbur : Only ten minutes. Lady Becky : Yes — only — ten — minutes. Wilbur : Pshaw ! I need ten hours to say all I have to say. Lady Becky: And I Wilbur (going to her) : Need only say you love me ; say it, Becky. Lady Becky: I love you! (Embrace.) CURTAIN. A DEAL IN WHEAT. A PLAY IN ONE ACT. Time: The Present. Scene: A dining room, furnished moderately well. Telephone. Two doors; one to street and another to bed-room. PERSONS. Barbara Winston, a very sedate young lady. Kitty Winston, her sister. (Enter Barbara.) Barbara : I wonder what time it is and what keeps Kitty so long (looks at clock on table). My, it seems a fearfully long time since she left. Surely it has not taken her all this time, three hours, to empty her slim purse. I hope she has not encountered any difficulties en route from town. I never know just what she will do next. (Sitting.) But, poor child, we lead such a monot- onous, hum-drum sort of existence that sometimes I am not surprised to find her seeking some sort of diversion. If I could only bring myself to obey Uncle Richard's wishes and marry the man he has chosen, we would not 30 A DEAL IN WHEAT 3 1 need to deprive ourselves of a few of the luxuries now denied us, but I cannot marry a man I do not love and in consequence thereof, the Hon. Richard Winston has cut his nieces' allowance and left them to their own resources until they see fit to abide by his decision. Heigh-ho ; Oh, dear, at first we thought it easy — poor Kitty need not have brought herself into this awful mess of afifairs — but she refused to separate from me, so here we are — all our efforts have failed — poor Kitty tried hard enough to teach dancing and I'm sure I did all I could with music, but our futile efforts were nipped in the bud, and after two months, we find ourselves with only 40 pounds in bank and no financial prospects in view. (Enter Kitty zvith her arms full of bundles.) Kitty : Hello, Barbara ! Did you think I had forgot- ten you? (Lays dozen packages in a heap.) Barbara (kissing her) : Yes, dear — I was beginning to think you had forsaken poor me. Kitty : Now, Barbara, that's unkind. Forsaken you ? Well, not while my name is Kitty Winston, and — as I see no way of managing a change of name — you're pretty safe, I guess. Barbara : Dear little girl. (Pieks up one of the pack- ages.) Well, take off your things, you must be starved. 32 PLAYS AI\D MONOLOGUES Kitty (removes her coat) : Had lunch? Barbara : No, I waited for you. I did not fancy din- ing alone. Now Kitty, give me your coat and do hurry. You look a perfect sight ; do fix your hair. Please hurry, I am almost starved. Kitty: Well, maybe I'm not. Barbara: Then prove your statement and hurry. Luncheon was ready an hour ago and I suppose all you can have now is tea. Kitty : Well, if that is all I can have, it's all I want ( laughs) . Barbara: I'll take these packages in your room (exit). Kitty: Yes, I will, Barbara. Oh, what a surprise I have in store for her. But I daren't tell her yet (taking off her hat and gloz'es) because she is always opposed to such things. I met a friend this morning who in con- fidence told me that if I were to buy on the Stock Ex- change this morning, by one o'clock this afternoon I would have money to scatter to the winds. The tempta- tion seized me and immediately I rushed to the bank, drew our 40 pounds and invested in wheat at — now what was that — oh, yes (counts on fingers), 85 on a 2-cent margin, whatever that means ; I never could make head or tail out of those expressions of the Board, but they seem to know, but Mr. Jordan told me that if it were to drop — Oh! A DEAL IN WHEAT ^^ what hideous things I do think of sometimes — why it can't drop — of course it can't — we must win — I say we must. If Uncle Dick ever finds out that I have been guilty of such a thing, he would never, never forgive me. (Enter Barbara; Kitty starts guiltily.) Barbara : Now do go put your hat away, Kitty. Kitty: Yes, I will, and it won't take me a minute (exit). Barbara (arranging tea cups) : Mrs. Churchill called this morning, asking my permission to let you appear in a little playlet she is coaching for a benefit. (Enter Kitty with comb and brush in hand, hair hang- ing.) Kitty: Did you say 1 would, Barbara? Barbara : Why, of course, I did not. Kitty (disappointed) : Oh, Barbara. Barbara: Now Kitty, don't be foolish. I don't like to disappoint you, but we really cannot afTord to plunge into society just now. Your costumes would amount to a fearful sum. Kitty (pants) : But, Barbara, you knew I wanted Barbara : Yes, I know, dear, and it makes me feel dis- appointed to be obliged to deprive you of any pleasure, but you understand, dear. 2^ PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Kitty : But, Barbara, we will have heaps of money, I tell you. Barbara (surprised): What? Kitty (aside) : Oh, I forgot. Barbara : I think you had better have luncheon. Your mind does not seem to be in a clear state at present. Mrs. Churchill left a manuscript for you to look over — (taking manuscript in her hands). Here it is. Kitty: Oh, give it to me, Barbara. (Takes it from Barbara, handing her a pin that she takes from her waist.) Fasten my collar, please. (Barbara is fastening collar while Kitty looks over manuscript.) Kitty : Oh, isn't this fine ; just the sort of part I like to play. (Begins to hum and finally starts across the stage with a fezv fancy dance steps humming a tune. Barbara, intent on fastening collar, still holds on, follozving her, then impatiently calls her.) Barbara : Kitty, will you please stand still. Kitty (apologizing) : Oh, Barbara, I forgot. Is it fastened ? Barbara: Yes, now do sit down — and have some tea. Your mind will then probably be more receptive. A DEAL IN WHEAT 35 Kitty {seats herself at table) : Yes, I think I need some stimulant. {Aside) I want to find out her views concerning the Stock Exchange. Barbara: Now you may tell me about your morning. How it was spent and what kept you so long. Kitty {drinking tea and eating crackers, zvith mouth full) : Well, I made my limited purchases according to my limited fund, trying to spend said limited money in a limited space of time, which I did {takes another bite). Barbara {laughing): Oh, Kitty, you are so funny; take your time. Kitty: My dear, I'm doing my best {takes another bite), but I am so hungry. But, Barbara, to be frank, honest, and to conceal nothing, I spent more than an hour talking with — well, guess whom. Barbara: Do tell me, I never could guess. Kitty : Mr. Walter Jordan. Barbara: Well, surely, that is a surprise. Ki-tty : And, Barbara, he says that he is sure that Uncle Dick has repented his harshness towards you and has , even allowed your name to be mentioned without his usual {clears her throat, imitates old gentleman) "Enough, sir ! Enough ! I will hear no more !" 36 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Barbara {laughing) : Kitty, aren't you ashamed of yourself. Kitty: No, I'm not one whit ashamed of myself. I do love Uncle Dick, but I think he has behaved shame- fully toward us, and his proceedings are unpardonable. Barbara: Toward us, Kitty? Kitty: Yes, Barbara, tozvard us. When he offends you, he likewise offends me. But enough of Uncle Dick. Now to Mr. Jordan. Barbara, he told me some startling news of the stock exchange. Barbara : Oh, Kittie, don't start that, you know I don't approve of it in the least. Kitty: But, Barbara, just listen this one time. Mr. Jordan says that any one buying within the next two hours will make a mint of money, so I thought Barbara: Now, why persist in discussing such an unwelcome topic of conversation? You know our finan- cial embarrassment at present, so why waste your time on such a subject? Kitty: But, Barbara, I thought of our forty pounds, and it suddenly occurred to me that where there was no risk, there was no gain. Barbara : Why, it is all we have, and you know that Uncle Dick is only waiting for us to come to him. He is A DEAL IN WHEAT 37 sure that we cannot exist on the income he allows us, and is positive that we will find it necessary to appeal to him. Uncle Dick prides himself on having such a keen innate love of human analysis and is sure that his observation on all classes and conditions of women never has erred. Kitty (dryly) : Yes — he has lived so long. Barbara: He insists his intuitions concerning such matters are never wrong, so I want to prove that this time he is wrong. So now, Kitty, you understand why we must be careful and consider some practical way of supporting ourselves. I am sure Uncle will not hold out very much longer when he sees we are in earnest. Kitty: But, Barbara, we can make money, I tell you, if Barbara: No, we cannot invest one cent. Why, if Uncle heard of it he would never forgive us. Do not per- sist, Kitty, it only annoys me. Kitty (aside) : Oh, I never can tell her now. (Tele- phone rings.) Barbara : Answer it, Kitty. Kitty: All right; (aside) I am sure that is Mr. Jor- dan. Barbara mustn't hear. (To Barbara) Barbara, will you please take my brush and comb in the other room? Barbara (taking both) Certainly, dear, but answer the 'phone, or you will lose the party. (Exit.) 38 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Kitty {at 'phone) : Hello! Hello !— Yes, this is Miss Kitty. Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Jordan — good news? — Oh, you are very busy — you will have your clerk tele- phone the news as it comes from the ticker — What's that? — ah, I see — thank you; good-bye {hangs up re- ceiver). Oh, if Barbara hears. What can I do to pre- vent it until after I have received the news? I must do it. {Barbara enters.) Kitty : Thank you, Barbara ; and, oh, Barbara, by the way, I don't like to trouble you so much, but would you just as soon mail a letter for me? I don't feel like going out now. Barbara : Of course I will ; give it to me. Kitty, are you quite well? You seem so beside yourself with ex- citement ! Kitty: I am all right, Barbara; don't worry about me. {Gets letter from table; gives it to Barbara.) Barbara {looking at letter) : Mrs. Durville — but there isn't any address. Kitty: Oh, I forgot; give it to me. {Takes letter and writes address on it.) Barbara: I won't be long, dear. {Puts on hat; exit.) Kitty {calls out after her) : Take your time, Barbara; A DEAL IN WHEAT ^9 don't hurry back. {Goes to 'phone.) Oh, I am so impa- tient ; I do wish they would hurry ; I'm so afraid Bar- bara will come back. {'Phone rings.) Oh, I'm so glad. (Takes up receiver.) Hello! Hello! — What? Is this Mrs. Jones ? — No ! This isn't Mrs. Jones, and I don't know who she is — {hangs up receiver). Now, isn't that provoking? If Barbara comes back what shall I do? I can't send her out on any other message. {'Phone rings.) Hello ! Hello ! — yes — yes, this is Miss Winston speaking — yes — what ? — I can't understand — yes, I know who you are — what? — wheat has dropped one-half cent? — Oh, dear— jyes, I'll wait — what is it ? — the ticker says it drops one-half cent more? Merciful Jupiter. Yes — yes — I can't understand {excitedly, to some one on the line). Get off the line — this line is busy — no — no, go on, I'm talking — Hello! Hello! — yes — what? — oh, you'll 'phone further reports as soon as they come in. Oh, do hurry them, won't you? What? — You'll give me all the information that comes over the wire? — Oh, thank you — good-bye. {Hangs lip receiver.) {Enter Barbara.) Barbara: Who was it? {Takes off her hat.) Kitty: Some one on the wire had the wrong number {nervously), I guess. Barbara : Kitty, why are you so excited ? Do go and lie down and calm yourself. 40 . PLAYS AND .MONOLOGUES Kitty (excitedly) : Yes, I will, Barbara. {'Phone rings. ) Barbara: Til answer it. Kitty (stopping her) : No, thank you, I'll answer it. If you will — if — oh, Barbara, go and get my bed ready, and ril topple right in — only please go now. Barbara : Very well. Oh, I am so afraid she will be ill. (Exit.) Kitty (at 'phone): Hello! Hello! Yes— yes — what? Wheat has dropped another half cent — goodness, is that all wheat ever does? Can't you stop it? — you can't? — oh, please try — yes, I have all my money on it and it simply must go up — you are sorry, but you can't help it — well, I don't think you are at all accommodating — oh, dear, what can I do? — just wait? — yes, I will. (Barbara calls ''Kitty.'') Yes, I'll be there — but please don't come out for me. (In 'phone.) Hello! Yes — will you call Mr. Jordan, please? — you can't? — well, can yon tell me what will happen if it drops any more? — yes — yes — yes — I bought it on a 2-cent margin — well — it's only gone a cent and three-quarters ? — yes, but if it goes down any more — what? If it goes down more than 2 cents I will have to put up more money or lose all ? But I haven't any more money, and I can't get any more — don't you understand ? — you do? — well, then, why can't you arrange it — you'll A DEAL IN WHEAT 41 try? — oh, thank you — yes, I'll wait forever, only please — please don't let it go any lower, — oh, what will I do — Hello! You're sure it will go lower? — (Barbara enters.) Oh, Barbara, it has dropped. Barbara: What are you talking about? Kitty (zvildly) : Wheat, of course — wheat — don't you understand? It dropped one-half cent and then another half cent, and Barbara : Oh, the poor child is delirious ; I knew she was ill. Kitty, come to your room. (Takes her arm.) Kitty (mildly) : And then it dropped another half cent and then (sobs) oh, Barbara — Barbara (sobs). Barbara (trying to get her away from 'phone) : Come, dear. Kitty : No, I can't leave this 'phone ;I must hear, I tell you — I must hear. He said it dropped and would surely drop lower; and, oh, Barbara, if it is true (sobs), Barbara: Poor child; Poor child! Kitty: Barbara, we have lost (sobs). Barbara: Kitty, you must come to your room. Kitty (in 'phone) : Hello ! — yes, I'm here. Barbara : Let me talk, you are not in any condition to telephone. 42 PLAYS AXD MONOLOGUES Kitty: No, I say I will^— you don't know, Barbara. (hi 'phone) Yes — yes Barbara : Come away, Kitty. Kitty: No, go away, Barbara (in 'phone) yes — yes — what? — wheat has gone up two points — oh, what does that mean? — yes — yes, I'm listening — (^//7/ sohs) — gone up another point. (To Barbara.) Barbara, do you hear — another point — (in 'phone) — yes — gone up two points more? — yes. Til wait — just call out as it goes up. (Bar- bara tries to get her azcay.) No, Barbara, don't bother me. Barbara : Oh, what shall I do with her ; she is stark mad! Let me repeat the message to you, Kitty. (Takes receiver azvay from Kitty.) Oh, I must please her; what can I do? (In 'phone) Hello! — yes — Hello! Kitty: What is it? Barbara: Hello! — yes, I'm listening — yes — what? — (blankly) one more point (repeats excitedly) one more point — one more point — go on. Kitty : Get there, wheat — get there, I say. Barbara (nen'ously) : Oh, I don't know what I am doing or what — or what it all means. Yes — I'm listen- ing — yes — another point — yes — still another Kitty (standing in center of stage, clenches hands as A DEAL IN WHEAT ' 43 if driving, and all excitement) : Go up — go up, wheat — I say you must ! Barbara : Two more. Kitty : Two more — two more — it must — give me the receiver {takes receiver from Barbara). Barbara : Oh, Kitty ! Kitty ! Kitty ! Kitty (in 'phone): Yes — yes — what do you say? — yes — what will I do buy or sell? — You tell me — Sell? — All right, I'll sell; {to Barbara) Barbara, I've won — he says I've won. Barbara: Oh, Kittie ! what have you done? I don't understand ! Kitty {hugging her) : Stupid — I've put the forty pounds on the Stock Exchange and we have won. Barbara: Oh, Kitty! Kitty : Hurrah for wheat ! ( Waves sofa pilloiv in air.) Three cheers for the Stock Exchange. {Picture. Kitty jumps on couch, buries her face in sofa pillozvs — Bar- bara stands in center of stage blankly looking at her.) THE GOVERNESS. A PLAY IN ONE ACT. Time: The Present. Scene: A drawing-room. Two doors; one leading to hall off R. U. E., another to bed-room L. I. E. Table near bed-room door. PERSONS. Jane Templeton (a contrary young lady of sixteen). Gretta {her German governess, who finds it very hard to speak English). Discovered: Jane at bedroom door, zmth her finger on her lips — holds pose a second, then crosses to other door very slozvly on tip-toe, then crosses back again, looking cautiously over shoulder at other door. Turns damn lamp on table, then crosses to bedroom pulling curtain aside. Jane: Shi Sh! Not a word, on your life! Be per- fectly still! (Crosses to hall door on tip-toe, then back again.) Sh! (in loud whisper) G r^f /a might come ! I'll close the curtains and not a word on your life! (Closes curtains, crosses to table and turns up the light looking 44 THE GOVERNESS 45 anxiously from one door to another.) Poor Harry, I know he hasn't done any wrong — what wrong can there be in his steaHng away from the ranks for a few mo- ments to see me — but that nasty old Lieutenant is so strict, Harry says, that if he is missed he will be put in the guardhouse. How awful! Oh! (puts head in hands and shudders). If I can only get rid of Gretta, so that she won't know Harry is here (fearfully) ; Oh, here she comes (turns lamp up and hastily snatches book from ta- ble, opening it and pretends to read. Enter Gretta, calling with very strong German accent). Gretta : Miss Jans ! Miss Jans ! Oh, there you are. Now I think it very late. Madam, your mother, leave vord when she go out — that you retire early ; she have planned vone glorious trip tomorrow, and you must be up early. Jane: Oh, Gretta! just a little longer. It is so early, and I am not at all sleepy. Gretta: But Madam, your mother, say Jane : Now, Gretta, it is always "Madam — your mother" — please let me have mv way if only for this time. Gretta : Yes, but you always do this same thing every time, and every time Madam say to me — *'Do not again as Miss Jans say — do as I say." 46 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Jane (pleadingly) : But Gretta, just this once, please. Gretta: No, Miss Jans, I do not like to refuse you, but I must— now, what do you say in English ?— obey- yes, obey Madam's orders, and she say you retire. Jane (peevishly) : Now I know what you are going to do; you are just going to make me unhappy (pouts). Gretta: Oh, now. Miss Jans, you know I want to please you, but what am I to do ? Madam say you drive, you say you valk; Madam say you speak French, you say you speak German ; Madam say you stay home, you say you go out, and a//— all I am blame for— I know not what to say (seats herself zvearily). Jane (sobbing) : But you must not make me unhappy, Gretta; that's what you do (sobs). Gretta (relenting) : Don*t say that, Aliss Jans (goes to her). Jane: Yes, you do (sobs) shaking off Gretta's hand. Gretta : No, I do not, but I obey Madam your mother's orders. (Stands immovably, stage center.) Jane: Don't be angry with me, Gretta; you— you know I love you heaps, now, don't you, Gretta ? (Gretta stands stolidly looking straight ahead. Jane goes from one side to another trying to make Gretta see her, then finally sobs.) THE GOVERNESS ^^ Jane: You don't love me any more. Gretta {relenting) : Of course I do {goes to her; kisses her), but you have such a contrary way. I never know what you will do next. Now if you do not go to bed you must correct your lesson of this morning. It was very bad. Jane : What lesson, Gretta ? Gretta : Why, your German, of course. Jane (aside) : Oh, that hideous stuff! Gretta: I will get the books (starts to go). Jane (stopping her) : Oh, Gretta, I don't want to. Gretta : Yes, you must ; indeed you must. Jane : Well, then, only a little lesson, Gretta. Gretta: Yes — I will go for the book. (Exit.) Jane (looks out after her, then runs to door of bed- room) : Don't make a sound, Harry, and the first op- portunity you have climb down by the fire escape and you will be all right, but do hurry, because Gretta never misses a thing. Sh ! (crosses to other door). Just fancy being seventeen and neither driving, walking, singing or dancing alone. Why even in my sleep I see Mary stand- ing over me with that old German book, commanding me 48 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES to say ''Sie ist ein dum kopf" (starts). Oh, here she comes (runs to bedroom, saying) Sh ! (Enter Gretta nnth hook.) Gretta: Now we will begin (seats herself at table near door). Jane (anxiously) : Let's move the table over here Gretta — it will be much nicer (points to other side of room). Gretta : No, it will do as well here. Jane : But, Gretta, I don't feel like saying German on this side of the room (looks anxiously tozvard bedroom.) (Aside) Oh, she can hear every sound in there. Gretta (paying no attention) : Now we will begin. Jane : But I can't study on that side, I tell you. Gretta (impatiently) : Oh, you so funny girl. Jane (coaxingly) : Oh, please, Gretta. Gretta : All right — but you so queer, Miss Jans. (They move table and then sit at either side — Jane gives sigh of satisfaction but glances uneasily toward door.) Gretta (in deep voice) : Die fiinf Worter die ich dir gegeben habe? THE GOVERNESS 49 Jane (aside) : She wants me to give those things I did this morning and I never can remember. Gretta : Begin ! Jane (weakly) : Wir — bin — es. Gretta (standing and almost shouting) : Ich bin es — you must say. Jane : Well, I'll say it — Ich bin es. Du bist es. Er- bist es. Gretta ( rising again ) : Wie habe ich dir gesacht, "Er ist es ?" Jane : Well, I can't help it, can I ? Fudge for all the old German. I never can get all this stuff. Er ist es. Sie ist es. Wir sind es? — does that suit you? Gretta : Now, I ask questions and you answer. Jane : I can't. Gretta : Ready ! Was ist der hund ? Jane (suddenly) : I don't know. Gretta: Was ist der hund? Jane (pouts) : Die hund ist treu. Gretta: Not die hund — der hund ist treu. Jane (repeats) : Der*hund ist treu. Gretta : Was ist das Buch ? 50 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Jane: I don't know. Gretta (repeating): Was ist das Buch? Jane : Well, I don't know, I say. Gretta: Was ist das Buch? Jane: / don't know! {Loud knocks at door — both jump up startled. Gretta rushes out screaming "Ach, mcin Gott!" Jane rushes to door.) Jane: Why, what on earth is it? Gretta {outside) : "No, sir — I say you cannot come in, there is no one here!" (Enters.) What you think. Miss Jans — a man, what you call — officer — come and say a man they want vas track here — to this house — (loud knocks). Oh, hear — they will knock down the door. Jane: Oh, Gretta, Gretta (sobs) can you ever forgive me? The man is here — I let him in (sobs). Gretta (screams) : A man? A man in this house and you let him in? (Screams). Murder! Help! Oh, we must fly. Jane: No, Gretta — don't you see we must not let them in, we must wait until the man can get out by way of the fire escape. Gretta (screaming) : Oh, where is he? THE GOVEENESS 51 Jane (whispers) : In my room. Gretta (screams): In your room — Oh, Miss Jans! Was sol ich thum ! Was sol ich thum ! Jane: Don't scream, Gretta — you must just keep the officers from this room. If they find us sheltering him we would suffer for it, Gretta. Gretta: A man here and, oh, to think that I should not have known it ! Oh! Oh! (Sobs.) Jane (mischievously) : Yes, Gretta, it is sad that you missed this one event. This indignity imposed on your discretion. (Loud knocks.) Gretta : Oh, hear them ; they will come in here. What will we do? Jane : I'll tell you. You guard this room with your life, Gretta — I will go into my room, help the prisoner escape, and you keep them interested in this side of the house. Gretta (all astonishment) : You go in there where that man is ? No, he would kill you ! Jane (smiles) : Don't worry, Gretta; I have him un- der the most surprising control. He is quite harmless and all he thinks of is his escape. Go and see how many there are. (Gretta exits sobbing. Jane goes to door and looks -in bedroom.) Gone! Now, if I can only keep 52 I'LAYS AND MONOLOGUES them here until Harry gets back to the rank— oh, dear, but this is exciting. {Enter Gretta screaming.) Gretta : Oh, there are so many men ; what will Madam say? We both lose our lives, and then, oh, then what will happen ? What will become of us ? Oh ! Oh ! Jane (laughingly): Have a funeral, Gretta. (Sol- emnly) And then I couldn't say Gretta: How can I stop them? Jane: Use your wits, Gretta ! (Exit. Loud knocks.) Gretta : "Oh, sie wollen herein, kommen. Mein lieber Gott! Mein lieber Gott." (To Jane) Madam never for- give me for not watching Miss Jans. I do all I can— but (loud knocks). Oh, there they are— how can I keep them out of here? (Goes to hall door.) Sirs, come not in here. This is my lady's room and you shall not enter. (Outside men say, ''Step aside, Madam, we must enter." Gretta guards door.) This is Miss Jans' room and she have retired and— oh, what shall I say? (Cries.) (Jane throws a shoe from her room across the stage— Gretta screams— Jane throws another shoe, folloived by stock- ings.) Gretta : Aliss Jans— no more— no more ! Jane (from- her room) : I'll come out if they don't go away! THE GOVERNESS 53 Gretta (cries, wildly running from one side of stage to other) : Oh, do not, Miss Jans — please, men, go away — you have disturbed my lady's slumbers. Go ! Jane: I'm coming, Gretta. Gretta : Please, Miss Jans — Miss Jans ! Oh, what will I do? Jane (peeping out zvith night-cap on) : Yes, I will, Gretta — Fm coming! Gretta (gets on her knees and pleads with Jane) : Oh, please (gets up and runs to door), please, men, go away, my lady has retired and says she will come out if you don't go away. (Loud noise of departing footsteps.) Jane (coming out dressed as before and pulling off night-cap) : Have they gone? Gretta (falling into chair) : Yes, they have gone, but has he gone? Jane: Yes, he's gone. (Comes up to Gretta.) Oh, Gretta, wasn't that tremendous ! Gretta: I say preposterous. Jane: Just something you missed. (Gretta sits look- ing straight ahead. Jane points finger at her laughing.) CURTAIN. THE BURGLAR." A MONOLOGUE. (Enter Mrs. Dixon zvith book under her arm. Speaks) : Nine o'clock! Nine o'clock, and Roger not home yet! I've walked through every room of this house trying to occupy my mind. I've read, played the piano, played sol- itaire and sung myself ill. Even II Trovatore fails to inspire the usual interest, and I can always fancy myself in the prison scene. I always do experience every feel- ing of emotion displayed by heroines of books and plays, but now I cannot feel anything — cannot sustain any thought that will banish the awful injustice of having been left alone. The idea ! Why, Roger has been gone a whole hour: just to think of it and we have only been married a month ! If he adds an hour to each month I can fancy my future, rather a lonely proposition. What time is it now ? (Looks at watch. Seats herself at table.) Only two minutes after nine ! It seems ages since I looked before. Clubs ! Clubs ! Nothing but Clubs ! If I knew that Roger's being a club member meant that I was to be left alone two nights out of every week, I never would have married him. I'm sure I never heard so much about 54 THE BUEGLAR ^^ clubs before we were married. Nothing could ever in- duce Roger to attend the meetings then, and now — well, he never misses one. Oh, the awful injustice of it — it is shameful and I won't suffer this awful abuse. I'll — I'll — Oh, I don't know what I'll do ! (Walks lip and dozvn.) I don't care anyway — at least I'm not going to care ; I guess I can amuse myself in his absence. I'll read — that's what I'll do ! (Sits at table, tries to read; then tosses book away, im- patiently.) There is not one book on the market that is worth pub- lication. The heroines are all such namby-pamby crea- tures — afraid of their own shadows. Why, an ordinary man would frighten the. life out of the woman in this book. Why on earth doesn't some one write from human nature instead of placing infants in peril and expecting them to assume dignity and bravery that befits a womanly woman. Stuff and nonsense ! (Rises and goes over to piano — plays a moment and then leans her head on arms, resting on the piano.) Oh, dear! Everything is so tiresome — and I am so tired. (Noise of opening door is heard.) 56 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES What's that? I'm sure I heard something! (Noise repeated.) Yes, there it is again ! Oh, I left the latch off the front door as Roger forgot his key and — oh, no! it couldn't be! How very foolish of. me. (Pause.) Oh, dear, I'm sure I heard the door open. Yes, there it goes again. Oh, dear, dear I (Goes to door, calls Maid.) Katie! Katie! Did you hear anything? (Pause. ) You did? You heard the door open? Well, go and see who it is, Katie, and if it is a man tell him, whoever he is, that if he has come to rob us he might as well go away because there isn't anything in the house worth having. The plate is all in the vault and I haven't any- thing but my engagement ring, and he can't have that. What? You're afraid? Absurd! Ridiculous! Go in- stantly! The idea of being afraid of a man! (Sarcas- tically.) You're afraid! (Bravely) Then I shall go! (Pause.) Oh dear— there it is again! Til just get Roger's re- volver and — and — shoot him; that's what I'll do. The assurance of the creature to rob a house where there is THE BURGLAE 57 no one but a lone woman to protect it. I'll show him ! {Bravely lifts revolver — then suddenly holds it far off growing very timid.) Oh, I can't — I don't know how to use this thing. I al- ways was afraid of revolvers. What if I should shoot him — or worse — if he should shoot me? Well, it would serve Roger right to come home and find me dead — then he would realize his cruelty to me. (Sobs.) There he is in the dining room. I can just hear him taking all my cut glass and things — there — yes, he is tak- ing all my silver, I can hear the spoons rattle. Oh, what shall I do ! Shall I hide — or face him — oh, no, he might shoot. (Pause.) He wouldn't come in here. Yes — I am sure he's coming. (Rushes to curtains and hides behind them crying in loud whisper.) Help ! Help ! Roger ! Katie ! Oh, dear ! (Pause — she comes out cautiously looking about,) Oh, I am sure he was coming and maybe my loud screams frightened him (Pause.) Oh, there he comes again. What shall I do? (Pulls center-piece from table, zvrapping it about her head and hiding at the side of the table — crouching to the floor.) Oh, please, Mr. Burglar, don't shoot! You can have anything in the house, only don't shoot! ^8 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES {Looking up sees Roger.) Roger ! Roger ! Did he kill you ? What am I doing ? Why, there was a dreadful burglar in the house just now, and he has taken everything and it's all your fault — I might have been killed and it would serve you right for leaving me all alone — and I was so frightened. {Pause.) There wasn't any burglar ! Roger, how can you say such a thing when you know there was ? He came in at the front door softly so that I might not hear him and — It was you and you tried not to wake me? {Indignantly) Well, do you suppose that I could sleep when there wasn't a soul to protect the house? Katie was afraid. I think it was shameful for you to leave me — you don't love me any more and I am going home to my mother. She loves me and you don't. {Sohs.) No, you don't or you wouldn't leave me for clubs. No! (Sobs.) Well, you won't leave me any more ? Never again ? Well, I guess I do love you — but wasn't I brave, Roger? CURTAIN. "IN A LATIN QUARTER." MONOLOGUE. Scene: An artist's studio. Many unfinished pictures about the room ; an easel with draped picture U. L. C. Table with photo D. L. C. Chair, couch, artist's stool. • (Enter ''Fron-Frou," an immature child of about 14 years of age, neatly but poorly clad, zvith a crude attempt at -finery, carrying a large dilapidated rag dog — hugs closely in arms. Looks about room, calls ''Monsieur" several times, looks in every part of room — calls again and again.) Monsieur! Not here! {Disappointedly.) Oh I I am late and I ran so fast I am all tired out and it is all your fault. {Takes dog in hands shaking him by the fore legs.) You're such an ugly old thing! {hard shake) Homely — can't talk — you're no company. {Throws dog on couch — crosses to other side of room; taps foot impatiently. Then, relenting, crosses, kneels beside couch). Oh, yes, you are — you're the best friend I've got, besides Monsieur; and I wouldn't give you up for anyone except him {thoughtfully), and I don't know that I'd give you up for him, because I knew you long before, and then you 59 6o PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES have listened to all my troubles — used to call you Mug. That was before I was educated (rises), before Mon- sieur took us, you and I; now your name is Muggins; Monsieur said that would be more refined. (Looks out of window.) Oh, this beautiful morning makes my heart feel glad — glad, because I live to make Monsieur's life happy — every day the same thing, work, and for him. Oh, what happiness it gives me only you and I understand — we alone know what it was to work and starve — starve not only for food — but for one kind word — and now who would know? Oh, how changed we are! Just to think that one year ago you and I were cold, shivering, stand- ing on street corners with our little store of worthless goods. Oh, we were so desolate then ! Monsieur came — he saw — he pitied — he painted. See this picture — such a desolate little creature — great hungry eyes — and that is all. Yet through this Monsieur has become a great artist. This poor little room was then much as we were — but now everything has changed, Monsieur, you, I, the world, and everything. Muggins (scolding dog), why do you keep me from my work, nothing is done and it is all your fault ! Not a word ! You know it is — ]\Ionsier said that if I did not talk to you so much I would accomplish more ! — Oh, I must have everything in order for Monsieur's return (arranges chairs), that he may work without annoyance (dusting). I did not learn my lesson — sometimes I am so stupid — but Monsieur is so patient — I try hard to master ''IN A LATIN QUAKTER" 5l all the words — Monsieur says I read quite well now (picks up 'photo from table). Oh, Monsieur, you have been so kind — what would it not mean for me to lose you — I must study. Here is the paper he left for me to read. Come, Muggins, we'll read together — it's just as necessary for you to be educated. (Kneels beside stool on which she places dog.) Dearest: Your picture is be- fore me, and, oh! what 'joy it gives me to look into your beautiful eyes and know that you are mine. Beloved, I am so unhappy — knowing that I have been the cause of one moment's anxiety to you in regard to Frou-Frou. You know she is such ah innocent little waif, I scarcely know how to tell her that she must go from my life. Just a year ago I found her in the streets almost starving, clinging to a little rag dog and the poor child's large eyes appealed to me so that I carried her home in my arms and gave her food. You know how rapidly she improved and how every day since she has come to my studio and sat for me. Health and strength soon spoiled my pathetic subject, for as the roses came to her cheeks, she lost the wistful, hungry eyes, and I lost my model. But I could not turn her away. I do not know what to do with her — poor little soul. Oh, my darling Irma — tell me — do not let this be the cause of our separation. I love you and you alone. Do not break my heart. I love you — I love you. Jean. 52 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES (Talking to picture) : Oh, Monsieur, I don't want to go — I don't want to leave you. We don't want to go — do we, Muggins? — you've made life so different for us. We won't be in the way — we won't even speak to you — we'll just come early and — and — get behind that screen (points to screen U. L. C.) and we'll only peep at you — we won't bother you a bit. We don't want to leave you. We — oh ! — I see — now — you love the beautiful lady — yes, she is beautiful, and I am only plain Frou-Frou. Oh, I see now — I understand it all — you don't want me — you only pity me — No — No — I don't want your pity — I don't want it. Oh, why — why did you not leave me where I was — I would not then have known what it meant to love you — yes, I was a child then, and I did not understand, but now — now (falls into chair and zveeps; rises slowly, goes to table ; stretches arms out toward picture, then taking dog in arms sobs) Come on, INIuggins — wc — had better go together — and — alone. (Exit.) CURTAIN. THE COQUETTE. (A young lady returning from a house party, accompanied by a young man, enters train, all out of breath she exclaims.) Here we are at last. I thought I would never make this train. Now that I have, I can breathe freely. (To porter on train) No, porter, not thirty-five, thirty-six is the number of my berth. Thank you. Seats herself {To gentleman companion) How long have we, Harry? Ten minutes? O, quite a long time on a train. Do sit down and we can have a nice, quiet chat. Do you know it is awfully good of you to come down here this morning. I guess I quite stole the march on the others. How I hated to leave. House parties are always so exciting. And this one has been especia.ly delightful — we all got along so famously together. Didn't we ? It's too bad I go in the opposite direction to the others. (Archly) I am just ter- ribly lonesome at parting from you all, — and then this unearthly hour to have to catch a train. Don't you think railroad people unreasonable ? I have never known them fail to put on a special for some such outlandish place as I have to go to that they do not have it leave at some such beastly hour as this. Just fancy, having to catch a train 63 64 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES at eight o'clock. I guess I will have to sleep a week to make up for this dissipation in early rising — what's that — you have something of importance to say to me ? Well, what is it? — oh, you don't feel that this is an appropriate hour — (aside) Oh, at last, he is going to propose! (To Harry) Well, don't you feel that when anything of im- portance is to be said and only a short time to say it in, you ought to hurry? (Confusedly) Oh, of course, I don't know just what you are going to sa} , you see I was only advising — oh, you think me quite different from other girls — (aside) Oh, he takes so long. (To Harry) Yes, I think so, too. (Aside) How stupid of me. (To Harry) I mean I think it strange that you think me so different, for I am quite like all the others — that's all your imagination. Now I sleep, eat, drink and dance just like the rest of my sex, and yet you term me differ- ent — Oh, you z'ozv I am. (Aside) He's on the right track. ( To Harry) Well, is this the important thing you wished to confide in me? Just the beginning? (Quickly) Good- ness me, if you are going to go through with it all you'll never get it said. (Excitedly) Oh, no. I don't know what you are going to say, but I rather guess I am ner- vous {looks at li'atch), and five minutes of our time is up now — I ought to know what you are going to say? Oh, I assure you, quite the contrary — I haven't the slightest idea. (Innocently) But maybe I could guess. Try? Oh, all right — is it (then thoughtfully) — is it — oh, is it THE COQUETTE 6; some new business enterprise? No? Oh, dear, I'll have to guess again, won't I? (Thinking very hard) Well, then, maybe it concerns the purchasing of a new automo- bile. No ? Oh, I never was very good at guessing. Oh, you're sure I can? (Aside) He's so slow. I guess I'll help him along. Let me think. (Leans over pretending to think very hard.) (Suddenly) I know, you're in love. I'm right? Good! Now, do tell me who she is. I must guess ? Well, that will be hard— is it someone I know ? (Aside) He's getting there. (Artfully) It is? Well, don't make me think, just tell me. You say I must guess —well— a guest at the house party? Well, let me see, who could it be? It's— no— Oh, I never could guess. (Leaning forzvard pretending to think very hard, sud- denly exclaims) What did you do with my hat box ? No, it's not here. You must have left it in the station. You will get it now? (Anxiously) Oh, don't go now— I don't care about the hat. Really, I don't— and besides, you haven't time (looks at n'atch, then holds his coat), why, you have scarcely a minute. \\'ell, then, if you will, but do hurry back, please, please hurry. (Goes out into aisle) I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll watch you from the window. (Kneels on seat, looking out of zvindozv zvith arms on zvindozu sill calling to Harry) Now, do hurry {leaning head on hand), how stupid of me to have thought of that hat box. (Rises) It has taken him five days to speak, and now— oh, dear, oh, dear ! (Goes back to zvindozv and looks 66 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES out. Suddenly exclaims) Oh, dear, this thing isn't mov- ing, is it? (Starts to go out in aisle and screams) Con- ductor! Conductor! (Aside) Oh, it's starting (screams again) Conductor ! Stop this train! Stop this train, I say! Stop this train, or I'll jump out. (Jumps on seat, indignantly to conductor) 111? Fainting? Do I look like a woman in a fainting condition ? You can't stop it ? Well, no (confusedly), I — oh, I don't know why, but — but — Oh, you don't understand. I've lost (z'cry quietly), I guess I've lost my hat box. (Jumps dozen.) Gone! (Seating herself very quietly, folds arms — sits still — pause — resignedly) WeW, it's just my luck. CURTAIN. IN THE DENTIST'S CHAIR. A MONOLOGUE. Good morning, Flo ! How on earth did you ever hap- pen here? You don't say so? Well, I'm in a terrific hurry and a nasty old wisdom tooth has been bothering me so for the past two weeks that I simply had to come. What's that ? Yes, it's aching me fearfully ; I wonder how long I'll have to wait. Yes, it's ten o'clock now and I have an appointment at eleven with my tailor. Beastly old thing says I can't have my gown by Friday if I don't keep the appointment; and I wouldn't miss it for any- thing, Flo, because I want to look well at IMarion Felton's coming out party, and besides — Oh, Flo, can you keep a secret? — All right — I'll tell you — I have fallen in love — yes, actually, and the worst of it is that I have never seen the object of my affection. No — I have only seen his picture. You see — it all just happened this way. I spent Saturday and Sunday with ^Marion, and on her dressing table was a picture of a perfect Adonis — Oh, Flo ! the handsomest specimen of manhood you could ever behold in your wildest imaginations. 67 53 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES O, Flo! his shoulders were divine! I just told Marion that if she loved me she would introduce me. Who was it? — well, that's the worst of it, Flo, Marion doesn't know who it is; she found it in her brother's col- lection of photographs, and we will have to wait until he comes home from college to find out — Isn't that awful ? — just had to turn the picture to the wall to keep him out of my mind — Oh ! how my tooth docs ache ; at what time is your appointment ? At ten ? Oh, I shall have to wait so long. You are not in a hurry ? O, Flo ! I don't like to be selfish, but if you can come back again — really, dear, it is too good of you. What's the dentist like? I have never seen him — handsome, you say — oh, fudge ! I just detest dentists. They always nearly pull your head ofif. Here he comes. (Pauses as Doctor enters — Mabel giz'es a start and al- piost faints). Oh, Flo! Why didn't you tell me? Tell you what? Well, of course, you couldn't. Sh ! This is he! W^hy, stupid, who in the world, but he of the pic- ture. Flo, does my dress quite become me? Do I look well this morning? Look about closely — Oh, I can feel my heart thump at a speed of about forty miles an hour. Oh, are you going? I wish you wouldn't. I — Good-bye. IN THE DENTIST'S CHAIR 5^ Good morning, Doctor. Finish your work, I can wait. (Aside) Oh, how I disHke the idea of his fixing my teeth. (To dentist) Yes, I am ready. (Sits in the Dentist's chair.) Now are you sure you won't hurt me? No, Vm not afraid, in fact, I have been told that under very trying circumstances I have been quite brave. (Aside) Oh! there he is going to use that awful wheel thing. I sim- ply hate to have him look at that back tooth — I look so awful when I have my mouth open — oh, yes, I am ready. (Leans back in the chair and starts to open her month, then suddenly sits upright.) Oh, Doctor! — Doctor — Holmes, you say? Thank you. I forgot to tell you about my tooth ; you see it has been aching — you don't need to hear about — oh! (Leans back again.) All right ; I'm not afraid — (screams.) Oh, dear, that wheel makes such a fearful noise. Couldn't you stop it? You have to use it But you haven't seen my tooth yet ! Oh, please put it out of sight until you are sure you will have to use it. Well, can't you put a screen or something around it ? Thank you ; I don't like to trouble you so much, and I'm not afraid — but, that thing does so grate on my nerves. (Leans back again, then suddenly starts forzvard — zvhen he is about to use glass.) yo PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Oh, you won't let that glass touch my tooth, will you? Yes — because you know it might strike it, and I am so sure the pain would be unbearable — Wnat's that (Smiles.) No it doesn't ache now. (Aside) I guess I frightened all the ache out of it. (Leans back in chair and sits upright.) You say you are sure you have seen me somewhere? No — impossible ! Do try and remember where. In a pic- ture ? — Where ? — No ! — You don't mean to say that you think it possible for any one to remember a face having only seen their picture ? — No ! — You say you are sure ? — But, where? — In Bob Felton's room at college? — Well, who ever would have thought it! — Yes? — The Feltons are old friends of ours. Are you going to Marion's af- fair tomorrow? — You are? — (art fully) — so am I. Yes, I (Jumps up suddenly as she sees Flo enter.) (Regret- fully) Oh, Flo! Back so soon? — after eleven. (Excite- ment.) Oh, dear! Of all that is astounding! I'll be late for my appointment with that beastly creature (sweetly) — What's that. Doctor — at ten on Saturday? All right (coquettishly) Good morning. Doctor, and thank you, so much. (Taking Flo aside) Flo, he is perfectly divine ! Yes. The only dentist I have ever had who was gentle. (Emphatically) No, my dear, he never hurt a bit. Good morning. CURTAIN. "HER FIRST VISIT TO THE COUNTRY." A MONOLOGUE. (Miss Helen Taylor — a greatly admired Society Belle in a large city — makes her first znsit to her cousins zvho live in on an old-fashioned country farm. Miss Taylor has just arrived and is met by her cousins at the station.) Why Cousin Harry and Cousin Emily, how deHghted I am to see you both ! Do tell me what you have been do- ing since I last saw you? Tell you of myself? Well, I can do that in a few words. The usual thing — receptions, dinner parties, teas, theaters and bridge until I am actually bored to death with city life and resolved to tear myself away for at least twenty-four hours and spend that time in the country — oh, is this our carriage? — how perfectly darling ! {Jumps into carriage.) Thank you, Harry! Well, as I was saying, I was so anxious to get here I could hardly wait — and I submitted to all sorts of joking from father and Uncle Will — Why? 71 72 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Because this was to be my first visit in the country — yes, just think of it — but I just told them that I would frus- trate their plans to have a good laugh at my expense, as I felt perfectly equal to the occasion. Just fancy, Em — a city girl's not being able to conduct herself properly in the country. Why, of course it's absurd ! — Now, Cousin Harry, tell me what you have been doing. Oh, is that so? — No ! — Well, I'm very glad to know that you have been cultivating your mind — oh, are we home so soon ? Why, what a charming little cottage — it's not a cottage, Emily ? — It's considered a very large house — {apologizing) — why, of course, it is — now that I look at it I can see it is quite large. {Jumps dozvn zvith Harry's assistance.) Thank you, Cousin Harry. Aren't you coming in the house with us? You aren't — you're going to the cream- ery? — Oh, do let me go with you — why, of course, I'll like it, Emily. What do you want, Harry? — cans — what cans? I see — which way do we go? — oh, we ride? — in this carriage? — Not in that great wagon coming from the stable? — why, that looks like a lumber wagon! — It's the style out here? — oh, I see — why, of course, I'll go — you needn't think a little thing like that would keep me home — why, I'll enjoy it. {Getting into zvagon.) *'HEE FIRST VISIT TO THE COUNTRY 7_3 Coming, Emily? You're not? Well, good-bye for a while. You don't know how the country air raises my spirits, Harry — Yes, indeed, I feel quite a new person already. — Yes, I think I will pull my veil down ; it is rather dusty — no, we haven't had rain in town either, for some time. (Pulls dozvn veil; zvagon goes over a hump and almost unseats her.) Oh! I almost lost my balance — no, I'm all right now; but this thing is so very jiggley, it makes my teeth chat- ter. (Again the wagon goes over a hump and she loses her balance.) No, I'm all right (very szveetly) ; Harry, why don't you coax your uncle to put rubber tires on this wagon — you'd find it so much nicer and such a comfort. — (Pause.) — Isn't it glorious? I just love the country. (Again she lurches forivard.) Oh, dear ! — don't mind me, Cousin Harry, I'm perfectly at ease — but I don't see how the milk can need so much churning after it has gone through this process — I almost feel like a butter-ball myself — oh, no — I like it! (Pause.) Cousin Harry, what are those brownish colored stalks I see on every side? Seems to be acres of them. Crops that are dying for want of rain ? — Poor things, isn't that too bad? (Pause a^ she looks thoughtfully around.) But 74 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES do you know I think it's quite a shame for the farmers to wait for rain and risk losing all their crops— now, why on earth don't they turn on the hose? — They couldn't? Well, why not?— I should think that it would be much cheaper to hire a few men to sprinkle it than to lose it all. Now, why on earth are you laughing?— There isn't a hose in the country ?— Now, Harry, I think that's unkind of you!— Just because I'm from the city you needn't think I don't know something about the country. (Another biunp.) My, I'm glad we are here— although it took us only a short time. What a funny little place— isn't it cunning ? —No, I won't get down, I'll wait for you here. Are those the cans? Aren't they immense. (Pause.) Are you ready?— all right— which way do we go now?— oh, the same way we came. (Pauses for a second, then looking around on all sides) Oh, Harry, how those cans do rattle; doesn't it annoy you? (Looking around at cans) Oh, and there are so many of them. (Suddenly screams and covers her face with her hands.) Oh, Harry! Look! I mean, don't look! There's an enormous animal— he must have broken out from his cage— oh, why didn't you tell m.e there was a menagerie near by. (Screams) Oh, horrible!— He will be upon us in a minute — Oh! Oh! (Looks around screaming.) ''HEK FIEST VISIT TO THE COUNTEY" 75 Oh, he is slowly following us and he looked up, and I know he sees us.— {Screams) Where ?— Why, coming up the road, of course ; don't you see that huge monster ? —Oh! {screams) — a what— you say? — A pig? — Now, Harry Somers, I simply won't be made fun of — don't you suppose I would know a pig if I saw one? — That's a black one?— Well, of all incredulous creatures. Well, I know it's not a pig and I'm not quite as simple as all that. Look at it? {Looks back timidly.) Well, yes, Harry, it does look something like a pig — but I was sure that it was some hideous beast like a — like a rhinoceros. Oh, dear, it frightened me so. My, it didn't take us long to come back, did it? — there's the house. {Getting out of the zi'agon.) You'll be in shortly?— Oh, I'll tell Emily. (Smiling shyly.) Oh, Cousin Harry — {hesitates) — you — you won't tell Emily about my not recognizing the pig, will you — no — because you know, Cousin Harry, it really didn't look like a pig — now, did it ? Very well. ( Waves her hand at him.) Hurry up! — (pause) — and I have actually met with people who have raved about the coun- try! CURTAIN. THE LAST NOTE. A PLAY IN ONE ACT. Written by Geraldine A. Faro. Scene: A sitting room; two doors; one leading to bedroom and one out to street. Window U. L. Couch, chairs, table, et cetera. PERSONS IN THE PLAY. Aunt Tabitha {ati old English servant), Hortcnsc Cecil I Chorus girls. Elfie Jevone (a singer.) Discovered: Aunt Tabitha dusting, crosses to bedroom door, looks in. Aunt Tabitha: My poor lady (wipes her eyes), my poor lady, how pale and thin she is. Who would ever know her now and she been ill so short a time (dusts again). Poor little lamb, how she has suffered. Not long ago she was the most beautiful creature in this country, courted 76 THE LAST NOTE 71 bv all, a star of j^rcat prominence, and now — now think of her and all her sufFerinc^ caused by one she cared for most (dusting the table vehemently) ; these men, blast their craven hearts, they're all alike ; I know, I've had ex- perience (polishes the table; loud knoek at door; Aunt Tabitha stops). Sh ! \\\nil(l the rascals break (\o\\\\ the house! (Outside the girls are singing; Aunt Tabitha opens the door). Not a sound, not a sound. (Enter Hortense, Ceeil and Ellie, noisily talking.) Hortense: Well, you're so cross, Aunt Tabitha. We're not ^oing to run off with anything; we're just on our way to the theater and we've called to see Jevonc. Aunt Tabitha : Don't talk so loud, girls ; my mistress is asleep. Hortense (ichispering loudly) : Well, don't bo so crosss. Tabby. How is she? Aunt Tabitha (shaking her head) : Not much better, not nuich better. Always has the idea that she is going to play every time she wakes. Cecil : Does she ever speak of her last night at the opera? Aunt Tabitha : Child, sh ! you must'n't, I never speak of it here. Elfie: But does she? 78 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES | Aunt Tabitha: Yes, always; she never will forget.' Hortense: Well, I think her very foolish; I'm sure she's had her day. (Coufideufially to girls) Girls, do you know I don't believe what Jevone says ; I think it is some late affair that worries her. I let the men worry over me. Girls, there's one true method in love affairs, and if you follow my advice you'll come out right: oust the men before they oust you (laughs). Elfie: I quite agree with you, Hortense. Love doesn't last very long and it's better to have many and keep on than one and lose all. Cecil: I don't agree with any of you and you'll always remain just where you arc. Hortense: O, Miss Prude has appeared on the scene and we will creep to the side, tint she may have stage center. Cecil : It's unkind of you to make fun of me ; how- ever, I don't care about that, but you shall not make fun of Jevone. Elfie: If you don't look out you will follow in her footsteps, Cecil. Hortense: These sentimental fairies are too much for me. I expect to dance my way to eternity, my heart's always fluttering to a ^lazourka {dances a few steps). THE LAST NOTE 79 Elfie: Oh, Jevone will get over this; just to think of it, girls, it's her first love affair. Hortense : Yes, how hard she takes it. Goodness, if I took all my affairs to heart I wouldn't have any heart left. Cecil: Girls, don't talk so loud, you will awaken Je- vone and she is very ill. Hortense (sits on the fable) : She'd better hurry up and get well or her place will be gone forever ; that new woman is making a hit and it doesn't take a public long to forget. Cecil: Well, she can never equal Jevone, and I don't think she'll ever be forgotten. Elfie : I fancy no one can equal Jevone in your eyes, Cecil. Cecil: No one in this room, Elfie. Hortense : Now will you be still, Elfie dear (laughs) ?, Guess we'd better go now. Wonder where old lady Tab is.- Elfie: Are you coming, your highness, ]\Iiss Prude (curtseys low) ? Cecil : Yes, but in better company. Hortense : That is to say ? Cecil : That I go alone. 8o PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Hortense : Well, don't take too much pleasure, or loiter on the way, Cherie, 'cause you might be too late ; ta! ta ! {Hortense and ElUe go out dancing and singing some popular songs, Jevone calls from bedroom, Tabitha! Aunt Tabitha!). Cecil (runs to her door) : I'm here, Jevone; do you want anything? Jevone (comes to door, leans on Cecil's arm) : Oh, it's you, Cecil ; is it late ? Will I have to get ready now ? Cecil: No, dear, it's quite early, and you know we don't go on in the beginning of the act. Jevone : How did my understudy sing last night ? Cecil : \'ery well, but it wasn't you, dear ; come sit in this big chair {fixes pillow at Jevone's back as she sits). Jevone: Oh, I'm so tired, Cecil; so tired {leans back wearily). Cecil {kneels beside Jevone) : Why not let your un- derstudy sing tonight again? You know you're not very strong, Jevone, and the part's a heavy one. Jevone: No, no, Cecil; I must sing tonight; I can't miss more than one night. Cecil {aside) : Poor thing, she doesn't know how many nights she's missed. {To Jevone) I have good news, Jevone ; my brother Jack has invited you and me THE LAST NOTE gl to come out West to visit his new ranch at the end of the season, and, oh, what fun we can have together! Jevone: Dear little friend, and you deserve the name of friend, how thoughtful you have been and how I shall enjoy a summer with you; it would seem like old times, Cecil, wouldn't it? Cecil: Yes, we'll have a reunion, Jevone, we'll have a glorious time, but you must hurry and get strong. Now I must go or I shall be late. Jevone (quickly): Delate? Cecil (hesitates) : Yes — yes, that is, I want to get a letter off by tonight's mail ; you see, Brother Jack wanted to know if you would come and now I can say yes and send it ; I'll be back shortly ; lie down and rest for a while, Jevone. All right, dear. Jevone : All right, dear. (Jevone leans back; Cecil goes out.) Dear little friend, always the same (looks around the room). I wonder where Aunt Tabitha is? It must be late, (calls) Tabitha! Aunt Tabitha! (leans back). O, dear, I'm so weary and tired; I don't feel like singing tonight ; maybe if I look out into the night it will rouse me a little (rises; zvalks unsteadily to zvindow). How solemn everything is. It is snowing; our first snow fall ; every little flake comes from the sky as 'every soul comes into the world and as in life some are trodden by 82 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES heavy feet to make a path for followers to tread upon : others carried by the wind, soaring high and whirling this way and that in the very bevy of excitement for so short a time, it all melts into vapor, leaving only a vagne re- membrance to one who might observe, and the great whirlwind is forgotten in the excitement of a new one. (Wearily turning azvay from unndoiv.) Oh, I'm so tired! it seems so long since last night, and I've had so many fearful dreams {comes dozvn center, sits on couch). I dreamed I was to sing a farewell ; no one was to know but he and I that that last song was a farewell, and then we'd go away, I in the height of glory, leave those I loved, those who stamped and cheered me into life, I was going to leave them and just before the last song I told them so. Oh, how I loved them all ! my audience, mine ! They belong to me and I to them ; theirs that last night more than any, and then I sang, sang with all the heart I had, when there came something in that dream — (puts her hand to her head as if trying to remember) something like a dark, cloudy night, and then every- thing was black and I remember nothing, (Enter Ta- hitha.) Tabitha : Oh, my mistress ! my lady ! Jevone (smiles) : Don't worry about me; you'd think I was some delicate child. Tell me, Aunt Tabitha, have I received some word today, some note of recognition from (pause) from any one? i THE LAST NOTE 83 Aunt Tabitha (aside) : What will I say? (To Jc- vone) Yes, the gentleman called and you were resting, and I told him to call again. {Aside) God forgive that lie. Jevone : Resting, always resting ; it seems as though there was another day when you told me this same thing, Aunt Tabitha ; are you telHng me the truth ? Aunt Tabitha: Now, don't excite yourself; there was no other day, my lady. Jevone : Another dream ; when will I awake ? Aunt Tabitha (aside) : God forbid. Jevone : Tabitha, if the gentleman calls again — today, I must see him ; lend me my hand glass. Aunt Tabitha (anxiously) : Oh, don't look, now; don't look in the mirror, and, besides (hesitates). Jevone : Besides what, Tabitha ? Tabitha: Oh, nothing; only I think I hear the girls coming. (Outside the girls sing popular songs. 'Jevone leans back, closing her eyes.) Yes, they're coming; how- happy they are. (Enter girls, talking and laughing.) Cecil : \Ye all missed you tonight ; our new prima donna is not Jevone (lea)is foncard; reproachfully to Cecil) : Oh, you didn't tell me. 84 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Cecil (goes over to Jcvone) : No, dear, you are not quite strong enough, so we've come to spend a little while with you. Elfie : Jevone, I think I missed you more tonight than any other. Hortense: Yes, we've come to wish you a merry Christmas. Jcvone {amazed) : Christmas night? Aunt Tabitha (to girls) : Sh ! in the play, my lady, only in the play. Cecil (aside to Hortense) Hortense, you forget she doesn't know she's been ill so long. Elfie : Yes, Jevone ; we'll have to play late on Christ- mas night ; we thought we'd come and have a feast to- night so as not to Hortense: Hush, Elfie, you'll only make matters worse. Cecil : I'll tell you what we'll do, Jevone ; we'll sing and dance our new parts, but you must promise not to get excited or we'll have to go. Jevone : No, I won't excite myself ; you're all so cheer- ful you make mc feel better. Hortense: I'll play and you girls sing, while Aunt Tabby sets the table. See, Jevone, we'll make vou feel THE LAST NOTE 85 better. We have a surprise for you; we've brought you a feast. Jevone : Oh, you are all so good to me ! Cecil (seated at piano) : Are you all ready? one, two, three— begin. (Begins to play. When the church bells ring and toll the hour Jevone listens, rises, goes to zcin- dow. Cecil stops playing. A shout of Merry Christmas is heard as Jevone opens the zvindow. Loud laughter. Strains of a violin are heard and a street singer sings. Jevone listens and suddenly cries) : Jevone : Oh, you have all lied to me ; this is Christmas (slozvlv remembering). I did not dream I was awake, and I did sing ; it was my farewell song. I remember it all now. It was not one night ago, but many. It was to have been my last night with you and with them, we were to go away— no one was to know— I was to say good-bye, and when I sang the last note I was to look at him where he sat in the box (eo}nes dozen center excitedly). See, he is there. You all know what I was to him. I said farewell— I sang the last of the song and looked— it was then I lost that sound. I was no longer the songbird, but a miserable heap, for when I looked the box was empty and I know— my heart told me. The music went on— I stood where I was— I tried— O, God, how I tried —for the last note. All the song had gone from my life. One more effort, but the note was gone forever. (Out- 85 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES side the street singer is heard again.) See, there is my audience. Dear friends — for you have been my friends — I must bid you farewell tonight. I'm never to see you again. I'm to sing gladness into the heart of some one who will everlastingly echo my song. Farewell, fare- well ; I love you all. (Sinks into chair; the girls sob; Cecil kneels beside, burying her head in her lap.) Yes, ril sing; I'll sing. Just give me time, I'll reach that last note, but I'm so tired now. (Her head drops back and she closes her eyes. Strains of a violin are heard.) CURTAIN. A BARGAIN EPISODE. A MONOLOGUE. Geraldine H. Faro. {Enter Mrs. Winters approaching the nearest usher in a large department store.) Floorwalker ? Yes ? I want to ask you a question. Will you please tell me where I can find the lace that you ad- vertised in last evening's paper, worth one dollar a yard, selling- today at thirty-eight and one-half cents? Oh, right at this counter. Well, I don't see any — where the crowd is standing? Oh! Well, I've come quite a dis- tance to get it. I want it for a little summer gown I am having made, and I am particularly anxious to get some- thing right away, as madam, my dressmaker, is waiting for me to be fitted. You think the lace will be quite hand- some enough for a French mull? The young lady will show it to me, you say? Well, I'd much rather have your opinion. I think a man's judgment far superior to a woman's. Where did you say it was? What is that line for? You don't mean to say that I will have to step in line and wait my turn? (amazed). Wait until all those 87 88 PLAYS AND :\IOXOLOGUES people's wants are supplied? Well, I never have been treated with such indignity before. But I can't wait; I have to keep my appointment with madam. I made it for ten o'clock and it is now nine-thirty, I'm sure. I'll have to wait with the rest ? Well, I should think your po- sition as usher would give you authority to have the clerks sho>v some courtesy to a customer, especially when she is in such a great hurry as I am. Besides, standing in line is so plebeian ; it would not be tolerated in a better store. This is what I get for trying to patronize an in- ferior house. There must be fully ten people ahead of me. (Steps in line; speaks to woman ahead of her.) Ex- cuse me, madam, but are you in a great hurry to be waited on? Because if you are not I thought you might not mind if I were to step in front of you. Oh, you are? Well, you need not be so indignant. I merely offered you a suggestion. I didn't want you to give up your place. {Aside) Some people are so willing to be offended. (Pauses for a fezv minutes, looks at her zvatch impa- tiently, sighs, stands on one hip, then the other, fixes her hat on straight, becomes nervous as she sees a lady friend.) Oh, dear, there is ]\Irs. Sherman ! I hope she doesn't see me, but I'm sure she will. That woman never misses anything, and she tells everything she knows to everyone she meets; and I wanted to wear my gown to her next tore. A BARGAIN EPISODE 89 "at home." If she ever sees me buying this lace she'll publish it to all my friends. {Anxiously) Here she is, coming this way. I must manufacture some tale or other. {Sweetly greeting Mrs. Sherman) How do you do, my dear? I am so glad to see you. Yes, I am ever so well, but I must admit my nerves are slightly shaken by mingling in this awful crowd. Yes — yes ? — No, I wasn't at home when you called last week, and, oh, I was so dis- appointed when I learned you had been there during my absence. (Nervously.) No — oh, dear, no; I'm not buy- ing anything for myself — but — well — that is — I — well, you know, I belong to a sewing circle and we have agreed to do a deal of charity sewing and I was appointed one of a committee of three to purchase numerous materials. Yes — yes — I am waiting for the other ladies. Yes, I'm standing in line ; the usher told me there was a bargain at the end of it, so (laughs lightly) of course I feel it my duty to wait. I think standing in line a great abomina- tion, don't you? You'll wait, too? (Aside) Now I'm in for it. (To Mrs. Sherman) How dear of you. (Indignantly to zvoman zvho has stepped in front of her) I beg your pardon, madam, but you have taken my place. Why, of course, I was standing in line. I merely stopped a moment to recognize my friend. I cannot help it, madam, but I am also in a great hurry. (To Mrs. Sherman) Just step in front of me, dear, and then we can chat together. Did I attend Mrs. Well's reception? QO PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES Indeed I did, and I never had such a stupid time. You know she has worn that same gown for the past two sea- sons and all she does is change the sleeves to suit the fashion. Yes — yes — Is that so? Well, I never would have thought it. You don't mean to say that she is going to marry him? Oh, dear me, I thought her engagement was announced to Ferdinand Vincent. You don't mean it? Well, it just serves her right. I always did think she was too sure of him. Yes — and did you see the style of Mrs. Thurber's gown ? Yes, I think her taste in choosing evening gowns is perfectly absurd, and the way she dresses her hair is really — well — malicious. (Laughs.) Oh, do you like my hat ? Yes, I think it quite pretty. My husband says it's quite the most becoming style I've worn, and I — (exclaims suddenly) — why, just look at all those people in front of us! There were only five when you stepped in line and now I know there are fifteen. (Beckons to usher) Floorwalker, will you kindly tell those people to push aside. We have been here ever so long and they are all so rude. You can't? Well, I'd like to know why not. I think you the most unaccommodat- ing person I have ever met and I shall promise never to enter your store again. I shall patronize the stores where I am at least courteously received. Well, of course, we waited right here ; I didn't suppose we had to follow the crowd ; it's enough to be made stand in line without fol- lowing them step by step. (To Mrs. Sherman.) Just A BAEGAIN EPISODE 91 watch that man walk off as cahii as if I had never spoken a word to him. He doesn't know enough to real- ize that I was caUing him down. Are you going to wait? You are? Well, I don't think I will. (Confusedly.) Yes, of course, I know the other ladies will be disap- pointed, but I am late now for an engagement. Good morning, dear; come and see me soon. (Walks azvay.) That wom.an must read every paper published. I have never gone for a bargain that I didn't meet her there. Well, I hope she enjoys the lace. otQ 24 \mm