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-L2L- 
 
 
 EPIGRAMS. 
 
SELECTION 
 
 OF 
 
 ENGLISH EPIGRAMS, 
 
 EXTRACTED PRINCIPALLY 
 
 FROM THE BRITISH AND AMERICAN JOURNALS; 
 
 AND COMPRISING THE MOST VALUABLE OF 
 
 THOSE CONTAINED IN THE BRITISH 
 
 MARTIAL; WITH SOME 
 
 ORIGINALS. 
 
 
 1876. 
 
 BOSTON : \, 
 
 Printed by Joshua Belcher, 
 1812. ȣ&**- 
 
 o/VV/ 
 
 
TN i * 
 
 District of Massachusetts, to wit.- 
 
 BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the second day of September, in the thirty 
 fourth year of the Independence of the United States of America, Joshua Bel- 
 cher, of the said district, has deposited in this Office the title of a book, the 
 right whereof he claims as proprietor, in the words following, to v;it : " A Se- 
 lection of English Epigrams, extracted principally from the British and Ameri- 
 can Journals ; and comprising the most valuable of those contained in the 
 British Martial; with some Originals. 
 
 In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, intitled, "An 
 Act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the copies of Maps, Charts, 
 and books to the authors and proprietors of such copies, during the times 'herein 
 mentioned ;" and also to an act intitled, "An Act supplementary to an act, 
 intitled, An Act for the encouragement of learning, by securing the copies of 
 Maps, Chores, and books, to the authors and proprietors of such copies during 
 the times therein mentioned; and extending the benefits thereof to the arts of 
 designing, engraving, and etching historical and other print;." 
 
 WILLIAM S. SHAW, Clerk of the Dist.ici 
 of Massachusetts 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 A collection of epigrams, publish- 
 ed in London, under the title of the " British 
 Martial," first suggested the idea of the 
 present work. It was contemplated, at first, 
 to publish that compilation entire, in two vol- 
 umes ; but on examination, not more than a 
 quarter part of that work was considered of 
 sufficient merit to deserve a republication. 
 The idea of reprinting the whole was there- 
 fore relinquished; and a Selection of Epi- 
 grams was undertaken, which should com- 
 prise the most valuable of those contained in 
 the British Martial, together with such others 
 of real merit, as might be gleaned from those 
 miscellaneous publications to which conven- 
 ient access could be had. The British and 
 A 2 
 
VI PREFACE. 
 
 American journals were accordingly laid under* 
 contribution ; nor did those of France entirely 
 escape pillage. Many a mouldering volume, 
 which had long been quietly inurned, has been 
 compelled to burst its cearments ; and from 
 many a heap of unpromising rubbish have been 
 called into light gems of pre-eminent lustre. 
 Of the result of these humble researches a 
 specimen is offered in this little volume ; in 
 which, perhaps, is compressed as much wit, 
 as can be found in any book, of equal mag- 
 nitude, in the English language. 
 
 The epigram is received with complacen- 
 cy in all ranks of society. With the grave and 
 the gay, the old and the young, the learned 
 and the illiterate, it is equally welcome. From 
 all it commands the tribute of a smile. To 
 collect therefore into a nutshell the wit of 
 ages, scattered over a waste of miscellaneous 
 and periodical works, was deemed a labour, 
 which would be rewarded with the publick 
 approbation. 
 
PREFACE. Vll 
 
 The epigram is considered by the eriticks 
 as the last and the least considerable of all 
 the labours of poesy. Some one has remark- 
 ed, that good epigrams are oftener the effect 
 of accident, or a happy thought, than the off- 
 spring of genius. To write a perfect one, 
 uniting brevity, neatness, elegance, force, and 
 wit, is not, however, an easy task. Rapin de- 
 clared it sufficient for an individual writer, to 
 produce one good epigram. 
 
 " The word Epigram signifies Inscription ; 
 for epigrams derive their origin from those 
 inscriptions placed by the ancients on their 
 statues, temples, pillars, triumphal arches, and 
 the like ; which, at first, were very short, be- 
 ing sometimes no more than a single word, 
 but afterwards, increasing their length, they 
 made them in verse, to be the better retained 
 by the memory. This short way of writing 
 came at last to be used upon any occasion or 
 subject ; and hence the name of Epigram has 
 been given to any little copy of verses, without 
 A3 
 
Vlll PREFACE. 
 
 regard to the original application of such 
 poems/' 
 
 An epigram, according to its modern accep- 
 tation, is defined by the criticks to be, A little 
 fioem, or composition in verse, treating of one 
 thing only, and whose distinguishing characters 
 are BREvifr, BEAUfr, and poin?. 
 
 With respest to brevity, its usual limits 
 are from two to twenty lines ; but those are 
 considered best which do not exceed eight. 
 The shorter it is, the better and the more per- 
 fect, as it partakes more of the nature and 
 character of this kind of poem. The epigram 
 being only the expression of a single thought, 
 it ought to be compressed in a little compass, 
 or else it loses its force and strength. 
 
 The beauty required in an epigram is a 
 harmony and an apt agreement of all its parts, 
 a sweet simplicity, and polite language. 
 
 The point is a sharp, lively, and unexpect- 
 ed turn of wit, with which an epigram ought 
 to be concluded. There are some criticks, 
 
PREFACE. *& 
 
 indeed, who will not admit the fioint in an 
 epigram, but require the thought to be equally 
 diffused through the whole poem ; which is 
 usually the practice of Catullus, as the former 
 is of Martial. It is allowed that there is more 
 delicacy in the manner of Catullus ; but the 
 point is more agreeable to the general taste 3 
 and seems to be the chief characteristick of 
 this poem. 
 
 An epigram may be considered as con- 
 sisting of two parts, the recital of the subject 
 and the close. The subject should be ex- 
 plained with neatness and simplicity, and the 
 close, or point, expressed in a few forcible 
 words, not to exceed a line, if possible. These 
 are the principal rules, which have been laid 
 down by the best criticks, for the conduct of 
 the epigram. 
 
 The. oldest epigrams whi^h have been 
 handed down to us, are those of the Greeks. 
 Their principal merit is delicacy and simpli- 
 city. If we consult the Anthology, we shall 
 A 4 
 
X PREFACE. 
 
 find in the Greek epigrams very little of what 
 is called point. They have not the sel piquant, 
 the poignant wit, of Martial ; but they pos- 
 sess a certain sweetness, which is not unpleas- 
 ing to a good taste. They are not, however, 
 generally relished ; and a Greek epigram, or 
 an epigram a la Grecque, as it is called by the 
 French, is now understood to mean something 
 extremely flat and insipid. But we ought not 
 to consider ourselves competent judges of the 
 true merit of the epigrams of the Anthology* 
 It is impossible to comprehend all their deli- 
 cacy and beauty, their allusions and relations? 
 their ingenuity and wit, after an interval of two 
 thousand years.* 
 
 The epigrams of the Romans are much 
 better suited to our taste, than those of the 
 Greeks. They are not deficient in pungency, 
 and contain some exquisite specimens of 
 pointed wit and satire. At the head of the 
 
 * Many of the remarks contained in this Preface 
 are derived from the Ency elope die Francoh-c. 
 
PREFACE. XI 
 
 Roman epigrammatists stand Catullus and 
 Martial. The epigrams of the latter are very 
 numerous : but it must be acknowledged, that 
 he often carried point beyond propriety ; and 
 that his wit and his style are sometimes equally 
 unchaste. 
 
 In the epigrams of the ancients (particularly 
 of the Greeks) the principal characieristick is 
 beauty : in those of the moderns, brevity and 
 point are the most conspicuous qualities. Of 
 the latter class are most of those which are 
 contained in the present volume. 
 
 The criticks have proscribed the pun, and 
 have refused it a niche in the temple of wit ; 
 but on the equivoque, or pun, many of the most 
 pleasing English epigrams are founded. This 
 imperfection, therefore, has not been consid- 
 ered a sufficient cause to exclude them from 
 this collection, 
 
 A more serious objection lies against an- 
 other class of epigrams, which would other- 
 wise be an ornament to the English language ; 
 A 5 
 
Xll PREFACE. 
 
 that of overstepping the bounds of modesty. 
 In this offence there are so many different 
 gradations of criminality, that it was found dif- 
 ficult to draw the line of demarcation between 
 innocence and guilt. If any in this collection 
 should be thought exceptionable in this respect, 
 it is hoped the reader will find an apology, in 
 the quantity of sterling wit which has actually^ 
 though reluctantly, been sacrificed upon the. 
 altar of Delicacy. 
 
EPIGRAMS. 
 
 FOR Jack's good life to certify, 
 
 Nor friends, nor strangers can be got : 
 
 Those who don't know him, know not why ; 
 Those, who do know him, know why not. 
 
 II. 
 
 You every where speak ill of me, 
 
 While I speak always in your praise ; 
 
 But how unfortunate are we ! 
 
 No soul believes what either says. 
 
 III. 
 
 " I laugh," a would-be-sapient cries, 
 " At every one that laughs at me :" 
 
 if Good Lord !" a sneering friend replies, 
 " How merry you must always be 1" 
 
16 
 
 IV. 
 
 One, who, when ask'd, would not comply, 
 
 Exclaim 'd, " Vve other fish to fry? 9 
 
 A Frenchman, who o'erheard the saying", 
 
 Soon misapplied it this odd way in ; 
 
 " I vould do dat vich you do vish> 
 
 " But I must go and fry some fish." 
 
 V. 
 
 As Tom along the floor was laid, 
 His lazy limbs in solemn show ; 
 
 "You're ill," quoth Sal, " I'm sore afraid;* 
 "Indeed/ says Tom, "I'm very low." 
 
 VI. 
 
 " Let the loud thunder roll along* the skies ; 
 Clad in my virtue, I the storm despise :" 
 " Indeed," Cries Peter ; " how your lot Ible&sJ— 
 To be so sheltered in so thin sl dress." ffP&CJ 
 
 VII. 
 
 Gold is so ductile, learned chemists say, 
 That half an ounce will reach a wondrous way : 
 Our metal's base, or else the chemists err ; 
 For, now-a-days, a guinea -won't go far. 
 
17 
 
 VIII. 
 
 On the approaching Nuptials of a Young Lady -with 
 a Mr. Grey. 
 
 With all that blooming" sweetness in thy face, 
 With beauty radiant as the god of day, 
 
 With active limbs, shape, elegance and grace, 
 With all these tests of youth — you'll soon be Grey. 
 
 IX. 
 
 Short Waistcoats. 
 
 " Stop, stop, you rogue," cried crazy Jack, 
 
 And seiz'd a modern beau ; 
 The thing, alarm'd, bow'd low, and said, 
 
 " An't please you, sir, I'll go." 
 " Not you, by Jove ! — you're caught at last; 
 
 For all the world can see 
 You're he that plays so many pranks — 
 
 You're Mr. No-body." 
 
 X. 
 
 On the same. 
 
 Long since it has been justly said, 
 " A silly fopling has no head " 
 But now, as modern fashions go, 
 Nor head nor body has a beau ! 
 
18 
 
 XI. 
 
 Nature, adapting all things to their place, 
 Planted no beard upon a woman's face : 
 Not Packwood's razors, though the very best, 
 Could shave a chin, that never is at rest, 
 
 XII. 
 
 Quoth Bet, " Since I have thought at all, 
 
 I've form'd this steadfast rule ; 
 Let whate'er other ill befall, 
 
 Never to wed a fool" 
 Says Jack, " Then nothing can, I fear, 
 
 From celibacy save you ; 
 For, take my word for it, my dear, 
 
 None but a fool will have you." 
 
 XIII. 
 
 Two wanton Cupids took their stands 
 
 In the large orbs of Lucy's eyes — 
 A third, with supplicating hands, 
 
 To gain admission vainly tries. 
 
 Fiercely they thrust the rogue away— 
 When lo ! on Lucy ? s breast he fell ; 
 
 And nestling there, I heard him say, 
 
 " Thanks, friends ! t h i s suits me quite as well.'* 
 
19 
 
 XIV. 
 
 On the Marriage of a Mr. Husband to a Miss 
 Breeding, of Durham. 
 
 When single, you were Breeding' ; yet 
 
 'Twas known you were a maid : 
 A Husband you, when Breeding, met, 
 
 And so£n a wife were made. 
 
 Indeed/fair dame, this match has prov'd 
 
 A very odd proceeding : 
 Your Husband, single, Breeding lov'd ; 
 
 You, wedded, leave off Breeding. 
 
 XV. 
 
 On the elopement of a Lady 'with her footman, 
 'while a gentleman nicknamed Dr. Toe was paying 
 his addresses to her. 
 
 'Twixt footman John and Dr. Toe 
 
 A rivalship befel, 
 Which should be the happy beau, 
 
 And bear away the belle. 
 
 The footman gain'd the lady's heart ; 
 
 And who can blame her ? No man ! 
 The -whole prevail'd against its part / 
 
 'Twas -Poof-man versus Toe-man. 
 
20 
 
 XVI. 
 
 On the Marriage o/John Joys to Mercy Bonb. 
 
 Though John for Mercy long had pray'd, 
 And many schemes for Mercy laid, 
 Yet Mercy still, of Hymen fond, 
 Put off her Joys, and kept her Bond. 
 
 John (parry'd thus) the vicar ply'dfc 
 And soon his Reverence Mercy cry'd ! 
 Consenting Mercy heard his voice, 
 And gave her Bond for dearer Joys. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 Says Kate to Ralph, with syren lure 
 
 Her ancle full in view, 
 That is the lovesick number sure, 
 
 Where one and one make two. 
 
 Quoth Ralph, (a wag in gallantry) 
 
 " The figure's not uncivil ; 
 But, Kate, where one and one make three, 
 
 It plays, you know, the devil." 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 Ann, in yon transparent laver 
 
 Though to wash your face you seem, 
 
 Trust me, 'tis a vain endeavour—- 
 You but soil the limpid stream. 
 
21 
 
 XIX. 
 
 The lying" world says naughty words 
 Of you and me, my dearest love : 
 
 You know, my dear, the world's the Lord's ; 
 Let 'em no longer liars prove. 
 
 XX. 
 
 €)/£ seeing the Picture of Nash, between the Busts of 
 Newton and Pope, in the Pump room at Bath, 
 
 Immortal Newton never spoke 
 More truth than here you'll find ; 
 
 Nor Pope himself e'er penn'd a joke 
 More cruel on mankind. 
 
 The picture plac'd the busts between, 
 
 Gives satire all its strength ; 
 Wisdom and wit are little seen, 
 
 But folly at full length, 
 
 XXL 
 
 In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow, 
 Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow, 
 Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee., 
 There is no living" with thee, nor without thee. 
 B 
 
22 
 
 XXII. 
 
 A haughty courtier, meeting in the streets 
 A scholar, him thus insolently greets ; 
 Base men to take the wall, I ne'er permit ; 
 The scholar said, "I do ;" and gave him it. 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 On a Bee stifled in Money. 
 
 From flow'r to flow'r, with eager pains, 
 
 See the blest, busy lab'rer fly ; 
 When all that from her toil she gains, 
 
 Is, in the sweets she hoards, to die. 
 
 'Tis thus, would man the truth believe, 
 With life's soft sweets, each fav'rite joy : 
 
 If we taste wisely, they relieve ; 
 But if we plunge too deep, destroy. 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 When fam'd Varelst this little wonder drew, 
 Flora vouchsaf'd the growing work to view : 
 Finding the painter's science at a stand, 
 The goddess snatch'd the pencil from his hand ; 
 And finishing the piece, she smiling said ; 
 Behold one work of mine that ne'er shall fade. 
 
23 
 
 XXV. 
 
 On buying a Bible, 
 
 K • 
 
 'Tis but folly to rejoice, or boast 
 
 How small a price thy well-bought purchase cost. 
 
 Until thy death, thou shalt not fully know 
 
 Whether it was a pennyworth, or no ; 
 
 And at that time, believe me, 'twill appear 
 
 Extremely cheap, or else extremely dear, 
 
 xxvi. • 
 
 I only begg'd to kiss your hand, 
 You said your lips I might command ; 
 Should I now ask those lips to kiss, 
 Would you not grant a greater bliss ? 
 
 XXVII. 
 
 Dialogue between an old Incumbent, and the Person 
 promised the next Presentation, 
 
 " I'm glad to see you well.". . .0 faithless breath! 
 What, glad to see me well, and wish my death ? 
 "No more, (replies the youth,) Sir, this misgiving: 
 I wish not for your death, but for your Living." 
 B2 
 
24 
 
 XXVIII. 
 
 A woman is a book, and often found 
 To prove far better in the sheets, than bovnifa * 
 No wonder, then, some students take delignti^ 
 Above all things, to study in the night. 
 
 XXIX. 
 
 Beauty venal. 
 
 Tempt but the fair with pieces ten, 
 If naughty, she'll consent t' ye ; 4L*a 
 
 But is she chaste ? Excuse her the/i. 
 She yields not — under twenty. 
 
 XXX. 
 
 To a Lady -who disdained to have the Author called 
 her Lover. 
 
 Lord, Miss, how folks can frame a lie ! 
 Love you, said they ? By Jove not I. 
 Both Jove and you may witness bring 
 I never dreamt of such a thing. 
 Henceforth bid jealousy be gone ; 
 Thyself, dear self, is thine alone : 
 From fear of rivals thou art free : 
 *— O ! were I half so blest as thee 
 
25 
 
 XXXI. 
 
 On a fat Gentleman. 
 
 When C — r — ts walks the streets, the paviours cry, 
 " God bless you, Sir !" and lay their rammers by. 
 
 XXXII. 
 
 Let the good man, for nuptial rites design'd, 
 Turn over every page of woman-kind ; 
 Mark ev'ry sense and foow the readings vary, 
 And when he's read 'em through, then let him marry, 
 
 XXXIII. 
 
 You say you nothing owe, and so I say ; 
 He only owes, who something has to pay. 
 
 XXXIY. 
 
 To Lady Mary, Belair makes addresses, 
 Presents he makes, sighs, presses, and professes. 
 Is she so fair ? No lady so ill off. 
 What is so captivating then ? Her cough. 
 
 XXXV. 
 
 An Ensign's post you ask, and that's denied : 
 Ask for a Colonel's — less 'twill hurt your pride. 
 B3 
 
26 
 
 XXXVI. 
 
 On Dr. Young's Night Thoughts, on Life, Death, 
 and Immortality. 
 
 His Life shall live ; his Death shall never die ; 
 Immortal is his Immortality. 
 
 XXXVII. 
 
 On a Lady, married to a foolish Fop. 
 
 Poor Gratia, in her twentieth year, 
 
 Foreseeing future wo, 
 Chose to attend a monkey, here, 
 
 Before an ape, below. 
 
 XXXVIII. 
 
 Dear Fabius, me if well you know, 
 You ne'er will take me for your foe ; 
 If right yourself you comprehend, 
 You ne'er will take me for your friend. 
 
 XXXIX. 
 
 Phillis, you little rosy rake, 
 
 That heart of yours I long to rifle ; 
 
 Come give it me, why should you make 
 So much ado adout a trifle ? 
 
27 
 XL. 
 
 On a Stone thrown, that missed a Thick Head. 
 
 Talk no more of the lucky escape of the head, 
 From a flint so unluckily thrown — 
 
 I think very diff'rent with thousands indeed,— 
 'Twas a lucky escape for the stone. 
 
 XLI. 
 
 A Pun -with a vengeance. Imitated from Martial: 
 
 * 
 
 A Landlord of Bath put upon me a queer hum ; 
 
 I ask'd him for punch, and the dog gave me mere rum. 
 
 XLIL 
 
 In the dictionary of words, as our Johnson affirms, 
 Purse and budget are nearly synonymous terms ; 
 But perhaps upon earth there's no contrast so great, 
 As Budget and Purse, in the dictionary of state : — 
 The Minister's language all language reverses ; 
 For filling his Budget is empting our Purses. 
 
 Callidus imposuit nuper mihi Caupo, Ravenna ; 
 Cum peterem mixtum, vendid et ille merum. 
 B4 
 
28 
 
 XLIII. 
 
 Gelia her sex's foible shuns ; 
 
 Her tongue no length of larum runs ; 
 
 Two phrases answer every part : 
 
 One gained, one breaks her husband's heart ; 
 
 I -will, she said, when made a bride ;— 
 
 Iivon't — through all her life beside. 
 
 XLIV. 
 
 Reverse, and be right. 
 
 In modern Anarch's reign absurd, 
 Whatever maggot bites the herd, 
 The order of the day's the word, 
 
 Throughout confusion's border ; 
 But Heaven (the wise and worthy pray) 
 Will soon turn things another way, 
 And, for the orders of the day. 
 
 Restore the days of order. 
 
 XLV. 
 
 To an affected Old JMaid. 
 
 Tho' * papa and mamma,' my dear, 
 
 So prettily you call, 
 Yet you methinks, yourself, appear, 
 
 The grand-mamma of all. 
 
29 
 
 XL VI. 
 
 How old may Philiis be, you ask, 
 Whose beauty thus all hearts engages ? 
 
 To answer is no easy task, 
 
 For Philiis really has two ages. 
 
 Stiff in brocade, and pinch'd in stays, 
 Her patches, paint, and jewels on ; 
 
 All day let envy view her face, 
 And Philiis is but twenty-one. 
 
 Paint, patches, jewels laid aside, 
 
 At night astronomers agree, 
 The evening has the day belied, 
 
 And Philiis is some forty-three. 
 
 XL VII. 
 
 ** Bear and forbear /' thus preach the stoick sages ; 
 And in two words include the sense of pages. 
 <f With patience bear life's certain ills ; and oh ! 
 ei Forbear those pleasures that must end in wo." 
 
 i 
 
 XLVIII. 
 
 As Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage, 
 And, face to face, the noisy contest wage ; 
 ** Don't cock your chin at me," Dick smartly cries ; 
 *' Fear not ! his head's not charged" a friend replies. 
 B 5 
 
30 
 
 XLIX. 
 
 Celsus, who late, tho' void of skill, 
 
 Frofess'd the healing art, 
 Now acts, in league with Pluto still, 
 
 The Undertaker's part. 
 
 The Doctor's practice, tending more 
 
 To slaughter than to save, 
 Is now the same as 'twas before. 
 
 To send folks to their grave. 
 
 L. 
 
 Diogenes to Aristippus. 
 
 Cloy'd with ragouts, you scorn my simple food, 
 And think good eating* is man's only good : 
 I ask no more than temperance can give ; 
 You live to eat, I only eat — to live. 
 
 LI. 
 
 Three lovely nymphs, contending for the prize, 
 Display'd their charms before my critick eyes ; 
 Superiour beauty heighten'd every grace, 
 And seem'd to mark them of celestial race : 
 But I who, bless'd like Paris, fear'd his fall, 
 Swore each a Venus was, — and pleas'd them all. 
 
til. 
 
 I've oft been told by learned friars, 
 
 That wishing* and the crime are one, 
 And that the Gods record desires, 
 
 As much as if the deed were done. 
 If wishing damns us, you and I ffPT? 
 
 Are damn'd to all our hearts^content ; 
 Come then, my love, let us enjoy 
 
 Some pleasure for our punishment ! 
 
 LIII. 
 
 With wig profound, old Galen cries, 
 " My patients ne'er complain !" 
 
 I do believe thee, Ned replies, 
 Thou put'st them — out of pain, 
 
 LIV. 
 
 Nature abhors a Vacuum/ Bubo said. 
 
 Bubo, you're wrong — the Vacuum's in your head. 
 
 LV. 
 
 Because I'm silent, for a fool 
 Beau Clincher doth me take ; 
 
 I know he's one, by surer rule, 
 For — I heard Clincher speak. 
 
32 
 
 LVI. 
 
 See Clodio happy in his own dear sense, 
 
 And- hark! the World cries, "coxcomb in th 3 
 excess !" 
 
 Now let me undertake the fop's defence— 
 What man could ever be content -with less 9 
 
 LVII. 
 
 A Father's Example. 
 
 Why in your breast so dubious a debate 
 Between a married and a single state ? 
 A father's wise example ne'er miscarried, 
 And he, you know friend Thomas, never married. 
 
 LVIII. 
 
 John ran so long, and ran so fast, 
 No wonder he ran out at last ; 
 He ran in debt ; and then, to pay, 
 He distanc'd all— and ran away. 
 
 LIX. 
 
 On Newton. 
 
 Nature, and nature's laws lay hid in night : — 
 God said u , Let Newton be !" and all was light. 
 
33 
 LX. 
 
 Says my Lord to his Cook, " You son of a punk, 
 
 How comes it I see you, thus every day drunk ? 
 
 Physicians, they say, once a month do allow 
 
 A man for his health to get drunk as a sow." 
 
 " That's right,'' quoth the Cook, " but the time 
 
 they don't say, *Jc*S^ £-<--'*> l^ 
 " So for fear I should miss'it, I'm drunk ev'ry day." 
 
 LXI. 
 
 By our Pastor perplext, 
 
 How shall we determine ? 
 " Watch and pray," says the text, 
 
 "Go to sleep," says the sermon. 
 
 LXII. 
 
 Upon some hasty errand Tom was sent, 
 
 And met his parish curate as he went ; 
 
 But just like what he was, a sorry clown, 
 
 It seems he past him with a cover'd crown. 
 
 The gowninan stopp'd, and turning, sternly said— 
 
 " I doubt, my lad, you're far worse taught than fed !" 
 
 " Why, aye," says Tom, still jogging on, " that's 
 
 tme : Ju 
 
 " Thank God ! he feeds me. 
 
 , but I'm taught by you." 
 

 LXIII. 
 
 To a Lady -who drew the Steel Pins from her Bonnet 
 in a Thunder Storm. 
 
 Cease, Eliza, thy locks to despoil, 
 
 Nor remove the bright steel from thy hair, 
 
 For fruitless and fond is thy toil, 
 Since nature has made thee so fair. 
 
 While the rose on thy cheek shall remain, 
 And thine eye so bewitchingly shine, /[ 
 
 Thy endeavour must still be in vain ; i 
 For attraction will always be thine. 
 
 LX1V. 
 
 No wonder that Oxford and Cambridge profound^ 
 In learning and science so greatly abound ; 
 Since some carry thither a little each day, 
 And we meet with so few, who bring any away. 
 
 LXV. 
 
 To rob the publick two contractors come ; 
 
 One cheats in corn, the other cheats in rum. 
 
 The greater rogue 'tis hard to ascertain, q 
 
 The rogue in spirit, or the rogue in grain, c^ £flt&&* 
 
LXVL 
 
 # %Monition to the Ladies. 
 
 Myrtilla, rising with the dawn, 
 Steals roses from the blushing* morn ; 
 But when Myrtilla sleeps till ten, 
 Aurora steals them back again. 
 
 ft 
 
 LXVII, 
 
 He, tbat a watch would carry, this must do, ^2££ &u 
 Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too. 
 
 LXVIII. 
 
 When Trot in coach his foot first set, 
 
 He blush'd, and back a step reclin'd ; 
 For Trot himself could not forget 
 
 How many years he rode behind. 
 
 LXIX. 
 
 To a bad Poet. 
 
 One fault (I cannot bear poetick singing) 
 Thy verses have-,' aifB. th:*t ra the beginning $ 
 But, this one fault in some sort to amend, 
 They have one excellence, and that's the end. 
 
4 
 
 36 
 
 LXX. 
 
 The other day, says Ned to Joe, 
 Near Bedlam's confines growing", 
 
 Whene'er I hear the cries of wo, 
 My hand is always open. 
 
 I own, says Joe, that to the poor, 
 
 You prove it everv minute ; 
 Your hand is open to be sure, 
 
 But then there's nothing in it. 
 
 LXXI. 
 
 On Dr. Hill's Farce, called the Bout. 
 
 For physick and farces 
 His equal there scarce is ; 
 His farces are physick, 
 His physick a farce is. 
 
 LXXII. 
 
 On a Natural Child, destroyed by its Mother. 
 
 'Twas love, that conquer'd shame, and gave thee 
 
 breath; Jt^fT &?zl*4S2> 
 And shame, thaJ^onquer'd love, decreed thy death. 
 
LXXIII. 
 
 Did lo\&e, like agues, ever intermit, 
 
 Ho\#should we blush, in absence of the fit ! 
 t 
 
 l £ LXXIV. 
 
 WhilJt iti the dark on thy soft hand I hung, 
 And heayd the tempting Siren in thy tongue, 
 What%ames, what darts, what anguish I endur'd!. 
 — But, vme*n the candle enter'd, I was cur'd. T* 
 
 1 LXXV. 
 
 To Damon's self his love's confin'd ; 
 ■ tsTo harm therein I see ; 
 T'hjs happiness attends his choice, 
 Unrivaird he will be. 
 
 LXXVI. 
 
 On a Fop. • 
 
 No wonder he is vain of coat or ring ; 
 
 Vain of himself, he may of any thing, <K?C<3^^ fc *«^ 
 
 LXXYIT. 
 
 " To fortune I but little owe," 
 
 A losing gamester cried. 
 Be thankful then, for all must know, 
 
 You owe enough beside. 
 
38 
 
 LXXVIII. 
 
 irded up V 
 tow it safe, 1 
 
 U ~ „ J \\ 
 
 V 
 
 A certain priest had hoarded up 
 
 A secret mass of gold ; 
 But where he might bestow i 
 
 By fancy was not told. 
 At last it came into his head 
 
 To lock it in a chest, 
 Within the chancel ; and he wrote 
 %*% < * Tnereon > Hie Deus est. \*& 
 
 A merry grig, whose greedy mind 
 
 Long wishd for such a prey, 
 Respecting not the sacred words 
 
 That on the casket lay, 
 Purloin'd the gold, and blotting out 
 
 The priest's inscript thereon, 
 Wrote Resurrexit, non hie est, — 
 
 Your God is rose, and gone. 
 
 LXXIX. 
 
 . Pensive Strephon, cease repining, 
 
 Give thy injur'd stars their due; 
 There's no room for all this pining, 
 
 Ee Dorinda false or true. 
 If she feeds a faithful passion, 
 
 Canst thou call thy fortune cross ? 
 And if sway'd by whim or passion, 
 
 Let her leave thee,— where's the loss I 
 
39 
 LXXX. 
 
 " I'll follow thy fortune, a termagant cries," 
 
 Whose extravagance caus'd all the evil ; 
 "That were some consolation," the husband replies, 
 
 LXXXI. 
 
 John puffs himself. Forbear to chide $ 
 
 An insect vile and mean 
 Must, well he knows, be magnified, 
 
 Before it can be seen. 
 
 LXXXII. 
 
 His last great debt is paid — Poor Tom's no more. 
 Last debt ! Tom never paid a debt before. 9 W 9 *W 
 
 LXXXIIL 
 
 By one decisive argument, 
 
 Giles gain'd his lovely Kate's consent, 
 
 To fix the bridal day : 
 " Why in such haste, dear Giles, to wed ? 
 " I shall not change my mind," she said ; 
 
 "But then," says he, "I may?' 
 C 
 
40 
 
 LXXXIV. 
 
 Sins sunk with the Confessor, 
 
 It blew a hard storm, and In utmost confusion, 
 
 The'saTitdrs all hurried to get absolution ; 
 
 Which- done, and the weight of the sins they'd con- 
 
 fess'd, 
 Transferr'd, as they thought, from themselves to 
 
 the priest, 
 To lighten the ship, and conclude their devotion, 
 They toss'd the poor parson souse into the ocean. 
 
 LXXXV. 
 
 On hearing of the Marriage of a Fellow of All- 
 Souls College. 
 
 %** *K 
 
 Silvio, so strangely love his mind controls,, 
 Has, for one single body, left All- Souls. 
 
 LXXXVI. 
 
 On Bishop Atterbury's burying the Duke o/Kuck- 
 
 INGHAM. 
 
 " I have no hopes," the duke he says, and dies : 
 "In sure and certain hopes," the prelate cries. 
 Of these two noted peers, I prithee, say man, 
 Which is the lying knave — the priest or layman ? - 
 
41 
 LXXXVII. 
 
 " My wife's so very bad," cried Will, 
 
 "I fear she ne'er will hold it,— f 4* r ** ^ 
 
 " She keeps her bed !" — ' Mine's worse/ said Phil, 
 ' The jade has just now sold it !' 
 
 LXXXVIII. 
 
 Dormouse esteems, it wondrous odd, m 
 That people, when he preaches, nod, 
 
 As if he were a very proser. 
 Take comfort, Dormouse ! — though they blame 
 Your oratory, you may claim 
 
 The merit of a rare composer. 
 
 LXXXTX. 
 
 The best Nobility. 
 
 That I was noble born, allow you must \/ffyiv / 
 Chaste was my mother, and my father nm. 
 
 XC. 
 
 Jack, who thinks all his own that once lie handles, 
 For practice sake, purloin'd a pound of candles ; 
 Was taken in the fact : — Ah, thoughtless wight ! 
 To steal such things as needs must come to Ugh/. 
 
42 
 XCI. 
 
 From the same cause we oft perceive 
 
 Different effects arise : 
 Thus Slop by drugs contrives to live. 
 
 While every patient dies. 
 
 XCH. 
 
 On a Coxcomical Physician. 
 
 When Florio for the sickly fair indites, 
 And minds not what, so much as Aow, he writes, 
 His patients, as his graceful form they scan, 
 Cry, with ill-omen'd rapture — Killing man t 
 
 XCIIL 
 
 "This splendid dress was made for me," 
 .Cries Sugar Plum, the saucy cit ; 
 * Observers answer — " That may be, 
 " But you were never made for it." 
 
 XCIV. 
 
 " What's fashionable, I'll maintain, 
 " Is always right," says sprightly Jane. 
 c Ah, would to heav'n !' cries graver Sue ? 
 c Wliat's right were fashionable too !' 
 
43 
 
 xcv. 
 
 Myrtle unsheath'd his shining 1 blade, 
 And iix'd its point against his breast ; 
 
 Then gaz'd upon the wond'ring maid, 
 And thus his dire resolve exprest : 
 
 i 
 
 " Since,' cruel fair, with cold disdain, 
 
 " You still return my raging love, 
 "Thought is but madness, life but pain, 
 
 " And thus at once I both remove." 
 
 " O stay one moment !" — Chloe said, 
 And trembling hasten'd to the door : 
 
 " Here Betty ! — quick ! — a pail dear maid ; — 
 " This mad-man, else, will stain the floor." 
 
 XCVI. 
 
 Money and man a mutual friendship show ; 
 Man makes false money, money makes man so. 
 
 XCVIL 
 
 Midas, they, say, possess'd the art, of old, 
 Of turning whatsoe'er he touch'd to gold. 
 This, modern statesmen can reverse with ease ; 
 Touch them with gold, they'll turn to what you pleasr. 
 C3 
 
44 
 
 XCVIII. 
 
 On a Regiment sent to Oxford) and a present of Books 
 to Cambridge, by King George the First. 
 
 The King observing, with judicious eyes, 
 The state of both his Universities, , 
 
 To one he sent a regiment ; for why ? - . ft P 
 That learned body wanted loyalty : \ " 
 
 To th' other he sent books, as well discerning 
 How much that loyal body wanted learning. 
 
 XCIX. 
 
 The Answer. 
 
 The King to Oxford sent his troop of horse ; / 
 For Tories own no argument but force. 1 jJA^* 
 With equal care to Cambridge-, books he sent ; 
 For Whigs allow no force but argument. 
 
 
 C. 
 
 The skilful Painter. 
 
 The glow which Iris' cheeks possess 
 Is something more than Nature's dress ; 
 
 Yet such her happy knack, \ U * 
 
 Although she paints, there's none canobast 
 Of knowing which she uses most, — ^ 
 
 Carmine or Cogniac. 
 
45 
 CI. 
 
 On a Dispute between Dr. Radcliffe and Sir 
 
 Godfrey Kneller. 
 
 Sir Godfrey and Radcliffe had one common way, 
 Into one common garden, and each had a key : 
 Quoth Kneller, " I'll certainly stop up that door, 
 " If ever I find it unlock'd any more." 
 "Your threats," replied Radcliffe, "disturb not my 
 
 ease ; 
 " And so you don't paint it, e'en do what you please." 
 "You're smart," rejoins Kneller; "but say what 
 
 you will, 
 " I'll take any tking from you — but potion 01* pill" 
 
 OIL 
 
 Cries logical Bobby to Ned, " Will you dare 
 
 To bet, which has most legs, a mare, or no mare .?" 
 
 A mare, to be sure, replies Ned, with a grin ; 
 
 And fifty I'll lay, for I'm certain to win. 
 
 Quoth Bob, " You have lost, sure as you are alive ; 
 
 A mare has but four legs, and no mare has five." 
 
 cm. 
 
 The prophet Balaam was in wonder lost, 
 To hear his ass speak ! — Asses now talk most. 
 C4 
 
46 
 CIV. 
 
 Young Cory don, a forward blade, 
 
 The offspring of a 'squire, 
 Address'd a lovely, blooming maid, 
 
 Whose father was a dyer. 
 
 " A dyer's daughter !" cries his dad, 
 
 " What marry her ! O fye !" 
 " Why not, Sir ?" says the honest lad, 
 
 " You know ive all must die" 
 
 CV. 
 
 To a bad Fiddler. 
 
 Old Orpheus play'd so well, he mov'd Old Nick, 
 But thou mov'st nothing but — thy fiddlestick. 
 
 CVI. 
 
 On the Venus de Medicis. 
 
 The trunk to great Praxiteles we owe, 
 The head to the great Michael Angelo ; 
 Each brought his part to perfect the design. 
 W T hen join'd, O Angelo ! the work is thine ! 
 Viewing the trunk, we curse relentless time ; 
 But when we view the head, forgive the crime. 
 
47 
 CVII. 
 
 Your Comedy I've read, my friend, 
 And like the half you've pilfer'd best : 
 
 But sure the piece you yet may mend ; 
 Take courage, then, and steal the rest, 
 
 f CVIII. 
 
 * Why Action was turned into a Stag. 
 
 He saw a goddess naked ! charming sight ^ ^Tf*j£> 
 All her maids too — for she did not alone lie : mgr^St ( 
 
 She turn'd him to a brute — not (take me right) j 
 For only peeping — but— for peeping only. y 
 
 CIX. 
 
 Dr. Brewster of Cambridge was put out of Com- 
 mons for not attending Chapel, on "which occasion he 
 wrote the following Epigram. 
 
 To fast and pray, we are by Heaven taught ; 
 
 could I practise either as I ought ! /i 
 
 In both, alas ! I err ; my frailty such, vjj . 
 
 1 pray too little, and I fast too much."* ' 
 
 * Tiiis Epigram procured his restoration. 
 C 5 
 
48 
 CX. 
 
 Good wives to Snails should be a-ki?i 9 
 Always their houses keep within; 
 But not to carry (Fashion's hacks !) 
 All they are worth upon their backs. 
 
 ((/(life, 
 
 Good wives like Echoes still should do, 
 
 Speak but when they're spoken to ; 
 
 But not like Echoes (most absurd !) // jflfa | (\> 
 
 To have for ever the last word. 
 
 ttn do 
 
 * Good wives like City Clocks should rhyme, 
 V- *• H%'^ e regular, and keep in time : 
 
 But not like City Clocks aloud J (j 
 
 Be heard by all the vulgar crowd. 
 
 CXI. 
 
 St. George, to save a maid, a dragon slew ; Jt 
 
 A gallant action, grant the thing were true : \$v 
 Some say there are no dragons — nay, 'tis said, ^J 
 There's no St. George ! Pray heaven there be a maid! 
 
 CX1I. 
 
 Transmutation. 
 
 Such a liar as Peter, I never came nigh ; \ » g^ 
 Put a truth in his mouth, it will come out ; 
 
 
49 
 
 CXIII, 
 
 On the Death of Mr. Remnant, Undertaker, 
 
 Is Remnant gone ? Each mournful eye 
 
 Confirms the mournful tale : 
 He, who oft heard the heartfelt sigh, 
 
 Now bids our griefs prevail. 
 
 But cease, ye mourning friends, to weep ; 
 
 ife on this stone engrav'd, 
 "God has ordain d, of those wh(/sl£e^ 
 
 A Remnant shall be sav'd !" J 
 
 exiv. 
 
 II < 
 
 As Tom was one day in deep chat with his friend, 
 He gravely advis'd him his manners to mend ; 
 That his morals were bad, he had heard it from 
 
 " They lie," replied Tim—" for I never had any." 
 
 cxv. 
 
 Quoth Gibber to Pope, though in verse you foreclose, 
 I'll have the last word — for, by G — 111 write prose : 
 Poor Colly, thy reas'ning is none of the strongest, 
 For know the last word, is the word that lasts 
 longest. 
 
50 
 
 CXVI. 
 
 Archbishop King and Dr. H alley. 
 
 With age exhausted, and his vigour fled, 
 Says King to Halley, " I've a mind to wed :" 
 Arch Halley answer'd, with sarcastick face, 
 " I hope you'll make me chaplain to your Grace. 5 
 
 CXVII. 
 
 Young Damon vows, nay, hear him swear, 
 
 He'll " dance, with none but what are/mr :" 
 
 Suppose we girls a law dispense, 
 
 To dance with none but men i 
 
 " Suppose you should — pray, Ma'am, wh^t'then V* 
 
 Why, Sir, you'd never dance again. 
 
 CXVI1L 
 
 mse, v 
 
 , Ma'am, \vMt , the 
 iQ-ain. \ 
 
 " To think of death," said madame Clare, 
 " Is doing -well" — Last night the fair, f > \ 
 Thinking of death, in earnest died : 
 " 'Twas doing well," her husband cried 
 
 CXIX. 
 
 O mourn not for Anacreon fled ! 
 
 O weep not for Anacreon dead ! 
 
 The lyre still breathes, that liv'd before. 
 
 For we have one Anacreon Moore. 
 
51 
 
 cxx. 
 
 On finding a pair of Shoes on a Lady's Bed. 
 
 Well may Suspicion shake its head,— 
 « ^Vell may ClarindVs spouse be jealous* 
 When the dear wanton takes to bed V^y) 
 Her very shoes — because they're fekorvs. 
 
 CXXI. 
 
 On a market-house being converted into an 
 
 ASSEMBLY-HALL. 
 
 How odd the change ! how strange the whim ! 
 
 Quoth witty Jack to humorous Jill ; 
 Not strange at all, quoth Jill to him — 
 
 'Tis us'd for making markets still. 
 
 CXX1I. 
 
 f Says Damon, as he gently press' d 
 Fair Indiana to his breast, 
 Can you to me the reason give, 
 That when your sex a kiss receive, 
 They sometimes wipe the same away ?" 
 9ife quick reply'd, without delay, 
 " That may be solv'd without much pother ; 
 5 Tis purposely to have another" "\AfT" 
 
52 
 
 CXXIII. 
 
 On the arming of the Volunteers of Great Britain. 
 
 In arms all day, and every day they toil 
 To g-uard the fair of Briton's happy isle : U uik^ 
 Ye fair, be not ungrateful, but unite *\ * 
 
 To guard each lad ye love in arms all night 
 
 CXXIV. 
 
 Moore always smiles whenever he recites ; 
 
 He smiles, you think, approving what he writes ; 
 
 And yet in this no vanity is shown — 
 
 A modest man may like — -what's not his own. 
 
 cxxv. 
 
 Joe Sprightly once courted a beautiful maid ; 
 
 She ask'd, " Had he form'd a connexion in trade ?' i 
 
 " Not yet," he replied, " but I have one i 
 
 For I hope to become sleeping partner with you. 3 
 
 cxxvr. 
 
 i in trade V \ 
 in view v ,/^ 
 ith y ou."\tf 
 
 On Tuesday next, says Tom to Ned, 
 I'll dine with you and take a bed ;•— VkN^ 
 You may believe him, William criesX^W 
 For where Tom dines he always lies. 
 
53 
 
 CXXVII. 
 
 You wish me to correct your lines 
 With as few blots as well can be : 
 
 Good friend, I've follow'd your designs ; 
 Only one blot is made by me ; 
 
 But 'tis so large, I must confess^ 
 
 It covers all your fine M.S. 
 
 CXXVIII. 
 
 Epitaph on a noted Liar. 
 
 Here's old Johnny Anderson, lying in dust ; 
 Or lying old Anderson, choose which ye trust : 1 
 To say he lies dead, can do him no wrong, ^J^v jjp* 
 For we all know old Johnny lied all his life long. I 
 
 CXXIX. 
 
 Epitaph. 
 
 (& Criticks assert, that bremty and point consti- 
 tute the s'ummum bonum both of the epitaph and the 
 epigram. The following is certainly as brief as 
 
 ^/■POINTED, 
 
 I John Gay re, am ready to swear, 
 
 That, though I lie R here, I'm yet up \} there. 
 
54 
 
 cxxx. 
 
 Robert complain'd in bitter terms one day, 
 That Frank had ta'en his character away : 
 " I take your character ?" — said Frank ; — " why, 
 
 zounds ! //f /frff^l) 
 
 " I would not have it for ten thou^ona pounds !" 
 
 cxxxi/ 
 
 On Dubois, who was bom in a Cart, and killed in a 
 Duel. 
 
 Begot in a cart, in a cart first drew breath -A 
 Cart and tierce was his life, and a cart was his "deatl( 
 
 CXXXIL 
 
 On a Mr. Smart being married to a Miss Pain. 
 
 Two lovers, pierc'd by Cupid's dart, 
 Long" sigh'd for Hymen's chain ; 
 
 She kindly wish'd to have his Smart, 
 And he to have her Pain. 
 
 A priest they call'd, nor calPd inwain, 
 His blessing" to impart; 
 
 He soon gave longing Colin Pain^-jA 
 And made fond Lucy Smart. m\* 
 
 
55 
 CXXXIII. 
 
 My Polly's most divinely fair, 
 
 Soft, tender, lovely, sweet, and young ; 
 
 How delicate her shape and air, 
 
 And what enchantment arms her tongue ; 
 
 Her swimming eye ! her swelling breast ! 
 
 From her the Graces ne'er are suhder'd ; 
 
 This charm too add, which crowns the rest, — 
 
 She can be constant—to a hundred, 
 
 CXXXIV. 
 
 My lord and his lady scold, wrangle, and fight ; 
 Yet are both of one mind, and are both in the right. 
 She calls him a fool — He knows he's not wise ; 
 He calls her a whore— and she can't say he lies. 
 
 cxxxv. 
 
 On the late King's Statue on the top of Bloomsbury 
 Spire. 
 
 The King of Great Britain was reckoned before 
 The head of the Church, by all good Christian 
 people : 
 His subjects of Bloomsbury have added one more 
 To his titles, and made him the head of the Stee- 
 ple. 
 
56 
 
 CXXXVI. 
 
 Here Aretin interr'd doth lie, 
 
 Whose satire lash'd both high and low : 
 His God alone it spar'd ; and why ? 
 
 His God, he said, he did not know. 
 
 CXXXVII. 
 
 1 am unable, yonder beggar cries, 
 
 To stand, or go ; — if he says true, he lies. 
 
 CXXXVIIT. 
 
 Happy the youth who can but see 
 Thy beauty's form ; yet happier he 
 Who hangs enamour'd on thy song, 
 And drinks the musick of thy tongue 
 Almost a god is he who sips 
 The balmy nectar of thy lips ; 
 But oh ! to whom you all resign, 
 Is quite immortal and divine. 
 
 CXXXIX. 
 
 When Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free ; 
 
 Of late he's grown brim full of pride ancL^elf : 
 No wonder that he don't remember me ; .jS^ 
 
 Why so ? you see he has forgot himself. ^ 
 
57 
 
 CXL. 
 
 Kind Kitty kiss'd her husband with these words, 
 Mine own sweet Will, how dearly do I love thee ! 
 
 If true, quoth Will, the world no such affords ; 
 And that-'tis true, I dare his warrant be. 
 
 For ne'er heard I of woman, good or ill, W/" ' 
 
 But always dearly lov'd her oim sweet WillJ 
 
 CXLI. 
 
 I know the thing that's most uncommon ': 
 
 Envy, be silent, and attend ! 
 I know a reasonable woman, 
 
 Handsome and witty, yet a friend. 
 Not warp'd by passion, aw'd by rumour, 
 
 Not grave through pride, nor gay through folly. 
 An equal mixture of good humour, 
 
 And sensible, soft, melancholy. 
 Has she no faults then, (Malice says) Sir? 
 
 Yes, she has one, I must aver ; 
 When all the world conspires to praise her, 
 
 The woman's deaf, and does not hear. 
 
 CXLII. 
 
 Lucia thinks happiness consists in state ; 
 She weds an idiot ; but she eats on plate. 
 
58 
 
 CXLIII. 
 
 Jack eating rotten cheese did say, 
 
 Like Sampson, I my thousands slay : 
 
 I vow, quoth Roger, so you do, v[jy% \ 
 
 And with the self-same weapon too. / 
 
 CXLIV. 
 
 Give me, great monarch, pounds five score, 
 For meat and books — I ask no more. 
 Or — keep the books, and give me meat — 
 For some folks read, but all must eat. 
 
 CXLV. 
 
 Ancient Phyllis has new graces ; 
 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one ; 
 
 Shall I tell you how ? 
 She herself makes her own faces, 
 And each morning wears a new one : 
 
 Where's the wonder now ? 
 
 CXLVl. 
 
 To John I ow'd great obligation ; 
 
 But John unhappily thought fit 
 To publish it to all the nation : 
 
 Sure John and I are more than quit. 
 
59 
 
 CXLVII. 
 
 Cry'd Strephon panting in Cosmelia's arms, 
 I die, bright nymph, I die amidst your charms ! 
 " Alas ! cheer up, poor youth," |aid she,^ 
 
 Dissolv'd in amorous pain ; f /% /Y^ < 
 " All flesh must die, by Fate's decree, 
 " Ere it can rise again. 35 
 
 CXLV1II. 
 
 Chloe, a jilt while in her prime, 
 
 The vainest, fieriest thing* alive, 
 (Behold the strange^effects of time ') , 
 
 Marries and doats at forty -five. Uf* , n 
 Thus weathercocks, which for a while 
 
 Have turn'd about with every blast, 
 Grown old, and destitute of oil, 
 
 Rust to a point, and fix at last. 
 
 CXLIX. 
 
 On seeing a JMiser at a Concert in Spring Gardens. 
 
 Musick has charms to soothe the savage breast. 
 To calm the tyrant, and relieve th' opprest : / 
 But Vaux-Hall's concerts' more attractive pow 
 Unlock'd Sir Richard's pocket at three score : I fan 
 Cfc^jange effect of musick's matchless force, r' 
 T 1 extract two shillings from a miser's purse y 
 D2 
 
60 
 CL. 
 
 In merry old England it once was a rule, 
 
 The king had his poet, and also his fool : 
 
 But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it. 
 
 That Gibber can serve both for fool and for poet, 
 
 CLI. 
 
 My heart still hovering round about you, 
 I thought I could not live without you ; 
 Now we've liv'd three months asunder, 
 How I liv'd with you is the wonder. 
 
 CLIL 
 
 Says Pontius in rage, contradicting his wife, n 
 " You never yet told me one truth in your life ;'|»/ I 
 Vext Pontia could no wise this thesis allow, j|M/H 
 "You're a cuckold," says she, " do I tell you truth 
 now ?" 
 
 CLIIL 
 
 On a set of bad Dancers. 
 
 How ill the motion with the musick suits ; 1 1| Jf t 
 Thus Orpheus fiddled, and thus danc'd the biWs. 
 
 I 
 
61 
 
 CLIV. 
 
 When Beelzebub first to make mischief began, 
 He the woman attack'd,and she gull'd the poor man ; 
 This Moses asserts, and from hence would infer, 
 That woman rules man, and the Devil rules her. fyf?^ 
 
 CLV. 
 
 Come, Peg 1 , be quick, and make the bed ; 
 Come tuck the feet, and plack the head ; 
 I'll kiss you, if you don't bestir ye : ^ ^ f t 
 Quoth Peg-, I can't abide to hurry. / 
 
 CLVI. 
 
 Written in a Lady's Prayer Book. 
 
 t In vain, Clarinda, night and day, 
 
 For mercy to the gods you pray ; 
 What arrogance on Heaven to call 
 For that which you deny to all. *(& 
 
 CLVII. 
 
 The golden hair, that Galla wears, 
 . Is hers : who would have thought it ? 
 
 She swears 'tis hers, and true she swears, 
 For T know where she bought it. 
 D3 
 
62 
 
 CLVIII. 
 
 On Lord **** beautifying the back front of his House. 
 
 On silver Thames I've daily row'd, 
 
 Some twenty years or thirty, 
 And still my lord his backside show'd, 
 
 Black, yellow, brown, and dirty. 1 
 But t'other morn, surpris'd I cry'd, ^AAflplM^ 
 
 So white, so clean, it made is, 
 This cannot be my lord's backside, — 
 % It surely is my lady's. 
 
 CLIX. 
 
 Tom, ever jovial ever gay, 
 
 To appetite a slave, 
 Still whores and drinks his life awayv 
 
 And laughs to see me grave. jvnvN* 
 'Tis thus that we two disagree,-*-* ^ 
 
 So diflf'rent is our whim : 
 The fellow fondly laughs at me, 
 
 And I could cry for him. 
 
 , CLX. 
 Chloe's Conduct. 
 
 Prithee, is not miss Chloe's a comical case i \ A v 
 She lets out her tail, and she borrows her facr 
 
 ^ 
 
63 
 
 CLXI. 
 
 When Chloe's picture was to Chloe shown, 
 Adorn'cfewjfch charms and beauty not her own, 
 "Ye gods jf/fthe cries, in ecstacy of heart) 
 "How near can nature be exprest by art ! 
 "'Tis wondrous like !" — L'.ke, Madam ? very true i 
 The canvas painted is, and so are you. (Jy ' ' ' 
 
 CLXII. | J 
 
 My sickly spouse, with many a sigh, 
 Oft tells me, Billy, I shall die : 
 Igriev'd, but recollected straight, 
 Tis bootless to contend with fate : 
 
 So resignation to Heaven's will 
 
 'gill; 
 '•Bwas well it did, for on my life, v 
 
 Prepar'd me for succeeding ill ; f ^ 
 'rPwas well it did, for on my lift 
 'Twas Heaven's will to spare my wife. 
 
 CLX11I. 
 
 Chloe her gossips entertains, 
 With stories of her child-bed pains, 
 
 And fiercely against Hymen rails ; i 
 
 But Hymen's not so much to blame ;' 
 
 ? She knows, unless her memory fails 
 
 ' v Ere wedded, she had much the same. 
 
 D4 
 
64 
 CLXIV. 
 
 Pox on't, quoth Time to Thomas Hearne, 
 Whatever I forget you learn. $*^ 
 
 CLXV. 
 
 The Reply. 
 
 Damn it ! cries Hearne, in furious fret j 
 Whate'er I learn, you'll soon forget 
 
 CLXVI. 
 
 a %(C 
 
 On a famous Physician being called out of Church, 
 
 i 
 Whilst Holy pray'rs to heav'n were made. 
 
 One soon was heard and answer'd too J 
 Save us from sudden death, was said* ' ^»^k 
 
 And straight from church Sir John withdrew. 
 
 CLXVII. 
 
 Br. Ald rich's five Reasons for Drinking. 
 
 Good wine ; — a friend ; — or being 
 Or lest we should be bye and 
 Or, any other reason why. 
 
 Sizing 
 
65 
 
 CLXVIII 
 
 Well then ! since, deaf to all I've said s 
 
 You're coy as at the first, 
 Die with the odium of a maid ;t4 
 
 Can you be more accurst ? '^ 
 
 CLXTX. 
 
 The bright bewitching" Fanny's eyes, 
 
 A thousand hearts have won, 
 Whilst she, regardless of the prize, 
 
 Securely keeps her own. 
 Ah ! what a dreadful girl are you, 
 
 Who, if you e'er design 
 To make me happy, must undo 4L^-k) 
 
 999 ! f 
 
 CLXX. 
 
 On his death-bed poor Simon 1 ies 
 
 His spouse is in despair : 
 With frequent sobs, and mutual cries, 
 
 They both express their care. 
 A different cause, says parson Sly, 
 
 The same effect may give : 
 Poor Simon fears that he shall die ; 
 
 Hisl^ife — that he may live. 
 I) 5 
 
66 
 
 CLXXI. 
 
 Had Cain been Scot, God would have chang'd his 
 
 doom ; 
 Not forc'd to wander, but confm'd at home. 
 
 CLxxir. 
 
 Some for the ancients zealously declare ; 
 
 Others, again, our modern wits prefer; 
 
 A third affirms, that they are much the same, 
 
 And differ only as to time and name : 
 
 Yet sure one more distinction may be told — 
 
 Those once were new ; but these will ne'er be old. 
 
 
 i v % CLXXIII. 
 
 Rochester's Epitaph on Charles II. 
 
 Here lies the mutton-eating* king, 
 Whose word no man relied on ; 
 
 Who never said a foolish thing, 
 And never did a wise one. 
 
 CLXXIV. 
 
 Belinda has such store of charms, 
 'Tis Heav'n to lie within her arms 
 And she's so charitably given. 
 She wishes all mankind in Heaved 
 
 arms l 
 ivenP 
 
67 
 CLXXV. 
 
 We men have many faults, — 
 Poor women have but two : 
 
 There's nothing" good they say — 
 There's nothing good they do 
 
 CLXXVI. 
 
 On a beautiful Young Lady. 
 
 Cyprus must now two Venus's adore ; 
 Ten are the Muses, and the Graces four : 
 So charming Flavia's wit, so sweet her face. 
 She's a new Muse, a Venus, and &'Grace. 
 
 CLXXVII. 
 
 Bet, if kind heaven would grant to me 
 A leash of beauties, such as thee, 
 I'd give the Devil at one word 
 Two, if he'd take away the third. 
 
 CLXXVIII. 
 
 Young Courtley takes me for a dunce, 
 For ail night long he spoke but once ; 
 On better grounds I think him such — 
 He spoke but once, yet once too much. 
 
68 
 
 CLXXIX. 
 
 The indelicate Repartee. 
 
 Onoe on a time, I fair Dorinda kist, 
 
 Whose nose was too distinguish'd to be mist. 
 
 My dear, says I, I fain would kiss you closer, 
 
 But though your lips say Aye, your nose says — No, 
 
 Sir. 
 The girl was equally 
 And plac'd her lovely lily hand — behind. 
 Here, Sir, said she, you may securely kiss, 
 Where there's no nose to interrupt your bliss. 
 
 s say Aye, your nose says — jno, 
 y to fun inclin'd, \jf U^^ 
 
 CLXXX. 
 
 Maro, you'll give me nothing while you live, 
 But, after death, you cry, then, then you'll give - f 
 If thou art not indeed turn'd arrant ass, 
 Thou know'st what 1 desire to come to pass. 
 
 CLXXXI. 
 
 To a Young Lady -who married a very Old Man. 
 
 Since thou wouldst needs, bewitch'd with some ill 
 
 charms, k A 
 
 V \\M\ 
 Be buried in those monumental arms : \ \ v 
 
 All we can wish, is, may the earth lie light: 
 
 Upon thy tender limbs, and so good night. 
 
 
69 
 
 CLXXXII. 
 
 While malice, Pope, denies thy page 
 
 Its own celestial fire ; 
 While criticks, and while bards in rage, 
 
 Admiring, won't admire ; 
 While wayward pens thy worth assail, 
 
 And envious tongues decry ; 
 These times though many a friend bewail, 
 
 These times bewail not I. 
 But when the world's loud praise is thine, 
 
 And spleen no more shall blame ; 
 When with thy Homer thou shalt shine, 
 
 In one establish'd fame : 
 When none shall rail, and every lay 
 
 Devote a wreath to thee ; 
 The day (for come it will) that day 
 
 Shall I lament to see ! 
 
 CLXXXIIL 
 
 Said Celia to a reverend Dean, 
 
 What reason can be given, 
 Since marriage is a holy thing, 
 
 That they have none in heaven. 
 They have, says he, no women there : 
 
 She quick returns the jest ; 
 Womer. there are, but I'm afraid 
 
 They cannot find a priest. 
 
70 
 
 CLXXXIV. 
 
 In bed Altana's place is lowest : yet 
 At table in the highest place she's set : |^ i^i) 
 Her easy husband parts with her the swaiw 
 He rules by night, — she governs all the day. 
 
 CLXXXV. 
 
 Written luith Lord Chesterfield's Diamond 
 Pencil, 
 
 Accept a miracle, instead of wit ; 
 
 See two dull lines by Stanhope's pencil writ, 
 
 CLXXXVI. 
 
 Quoth Dick to Jack, with phiz full meek and mild ; 
 Dear friend, 'tween you and I, my wife's with child j 
 Quoth Jack to Dick, Dear friend, that's not so clear ^|n 
 I'm sure I kave not lain with her this year. 
 
 CLXXXVII, 
 
 Love and Hope . 
 
 None, without Hope, e'er lov'd the brightest fair ; 
 But Love can hope where Reason would despair. 
 
 
n 
 
 CLXXXVIIL 
 
 What's fame with men, by custom of the nation* 
 Is call'd in woman only reputation ; 
 About them both, why keep we such a pother ? 
 Part you with one, and I'll renounce the other. 
 
 CLXXXIX. 
 
 On a Dull Writer. 
 
 You beat your pate, and fancy wit w r ill come : 
 Knock as you please, there's nobody at home. 
 
 cxc. 
 
 True, I confest it yester' morn ; 
 
 I've been in love this week or two ; « * 
 Yet, cruel maid ! forbear your scorn ; !** * 
 
 For take my word, — 'tis not with you. 
 
 CXCI. 
 
 Tom prais'd his friend, who chang'd his state, 
 For binding* fast himself and Kate, 
 
 In union so divine : 
 Wedlocks the end of life, he cry d : — 
 Too true, alas ! said Jack, and sigh'd, 
 
 'Twill be the end of mine, 
 
CXCII. 
 
 Propping 1 a Gate, 
 
 Against a gate, Dick had a damsel got ; \f(J^ 
 By chance the owner overheard his plot, *1/W^ 
 And cry'd, What mean you there, Sir, wfith your 
 
 mate ? 
 Quoth Dick, " I only mean to prop-a-gate." 
 
 CXCIJI. 
 
 Sir, I admit your general rule, 
 That every poet is a fool : 
 But you yourself may serve to show it, 
 That every fool is not a poet. 
 
 CXCIV. 
 
 •carce had five months expir'd since John did wed, 
 When Kate, his fruitful wife, was brought to bed.£ 
 How now ? quoth John ; this is too sooji, my Kate ! *' 
 No, John, quoth she, you married me too late. J-Vi 
 
 cxcv. 
 
 Thou call'st me ignorant, 'tis true ; but how 
 If I know more than Socrates did know ! 
 He knew one thing, That he did nothing know ; 
 I know two things, That I know nought, nor thou. 
 
CXCVI. 
 
 A hum'rous fellow in a tavern late, 
 
 Being" drunk and valiant, gets a broken pate ; 
 
 The surgeon, with his instruments and©kill, 
 
 Searches his skull, deeper, and deeper still, 
 
 To feel his brains, and try if they were sound ; 
 
 And, as he keeps ado about the wound, 
 
 The fellow cries, Good Surgeon, spare your pain* 
 
 When I began this brawl I had no brains. 
 
 CXCVII. 
 
 On a Lady stung by a Bee. 
 
 To heal the wound a bee had made 
 
 Upon my Delia's face, 
 Its honey to the part she laid, 
 
 And bade me kiss the place : 
 Pleas'd, I obey'd, and from the wound 
 
 Suck'd both the sweet and smart : 
 The honey on my lips I found ; ,|yp 
 
 The sting went through my hjfeart. 
 
 CXCVIII. 
 
 Honest Harry's alive ! how d'ye know it? says Ned? 
 O ! I'm perfectly sure—for Dick said he was dead. 
 
74 
 CXC1X. 
 
 Scotland, thy weather's like a modish wife ! 
 Thy winds and rains forever are at strife : 
 So Terfkagant awhile her thunder tries, 
 And when she can no longer scold — she cries. 
 
 CC. 
 
 When Phoebus was am'rous, and long'd to be rude, 
 
 Miss Daphne cried, pish ! and ran swift to the wood; 
 
 And rather than do such a naughty affair, 
 
 She became a fine laurel to deck the god's hair. 
 
 The nymph was, no doubt, of a cold constitution, 
 
 For sure to turn tree was an odd resolution : 
 
 Yet in this she behav'd like a true modern sp ouse ,—* 
 
 For she fled from his arms — to distinguish his Grow?, 
 
 c 
 
 cci. 
 
 Milton. 
 
 Three poets, in three distant ages bom, 
 Greece, Italy, and England did adorn ; 
 The first in loftiness of thought surpast ; 
 The next in majesty — in both the last. 
 The force of nature could no further go ; 
 To make a third, she join'dthe other fwo. 
 
75 
 
 CCII. 
 
 On being advised to marry, 
 
 Sir, you are prudent, good, and wise : 
 
 I owli, and thank you from my heart, 
 Anj much approve what you advise ; 
 
 But let me think — before I start. 
 For folks well able to discern, 
 
 Who know what 'tis to take a wife, 
 Say, 'tis a case of such concern, 
 
 A man should think on t — all his life. 
 
 cein. 
 
 * t 4 * The Effeminate. 
 
 k 
 
 |i^philst Nature Billy's clay was blending", 
 ™ 'Uncertain what the thing should end in. 
 Whether a female or a male, x ; Jj 
 A. pin dropt in, and turn'd the scale, 
 
 CCIV. 
 
 Frank, who will any friend supply, 
 
 Lent me ten guineas — Come, said I, 
 
 Give me a pen, it is but fair, 
 
 You take my note : — quoth he, " Hold there $ 
 
 "Jack ! to the cash I've bid adieu ;— -^ f^V^y 
 
 " No need to waste my paper too !" ffu* i 
 
 i 
 
76 
 
 ccv. 
 
 Laura does solitude admire, 
 
 A wondrous lover of the dark,» 
 Each night puts out her closet fire 
 
 And just keeps in a single spark. 
 Till four she keeps herself alive, 
 
 Warm'd by her piety, no doubt 
 Thei^ tir'd with kneeling, just at five 
 
 She sighs — and lets the spark go out. 
 
 CCVI. 
 
 Give me a girl, if one I needs must meet, 
 Or in her nuptial, or her winding sheet : 
 I know but two good hours that women havef 
 One in the bed, another in the grave. 
 Thus of the fair sex all I would desire, 
 Is. to enjoy their ashes, or their fire. 
 
 CCVII. 
 
 JMiser and Spendthrift. 
 
 His Grace's fate sage Cutler could foresee ; 
 And well, bethought, advis'd him, " Live like me." 
 As well his Grace reply'd, " Like you, Sir John ? 
 " That I can do, when all I have is gone." 
 Resolve me, Reason, which of these is worse, 
 Want with a full, or with an empty purse ? 
 
 
77 
 
 CCVIII. 
 
 On a Gentleman -who married a thin consumptive 
 Lady* 
 
 With a warm skeleton so near, 
 And wedded to thy arms for life, 
 * W*hen death arrives, it will appear 
 Less dreadful — 'tis so like thy wife. 
 
 *» I / 4T&'\ 
 
 A spouse so thin, though all agree / l 
 Had better much be let alone ; 
 
 Flesh of thy flesh she cannot be, 
 Who is made up of only bone. 
 
 y *** CCIX. 
 
 iNFed would liken himself to Achilles of old. 
 
 * I hope he'll admit of a single correction ; j£ 
 
 VOT- 
 
 Whilst Ned in his heels finds his only protection* 
 
 x iiujjc uc ii (tu.mil ui a. oniric cuncuuun , *. •- 
 
 In his heel lay Achilles's danger we're told, yhfrTt 
 Whilst Ned in his heels finds his only protection. 
 
 ccx. 
 
 Lye on ! while my revenge shall be, * 
 To speak the very truth of thee. 
 
 CCXI. 
 
 Our God requireth the whole heart, or none, 
 And yet he will accept a broken one. fy&f'V 
 E 2 /f 
 
ire l 
 
 78 
 
 CCXII. 
 
 A Receipt for Courtship. 
 
 Two or three dears, and two or three sweets ; 
 Two or three balls, and two or three treats ; 
 Two or three serenades given as a lure ; 
 Two or three oaths, how much they endure i 
 Two or three messages sent in a day ; 
 Two or three times led out from the play 
 Two or three soft speeches made by the way ; 
 Two or three tickets for two or three times ; 
 Two or three love letters writ all in rhymes ; 
 Two or three months keeping strict to these rules. 
 Can never fail making a couple of fools. 
 
 CCXIII. 
 
 The Pettifogger. 
 
 """"No cause nor client fat will Quillus leese, 
 *But as they come on both sides, he takes fees, 
 AncLpleaseth both— for while he melts his grease 
 JFor this ; that wins, for whom he holds his peace. 
 
 CCXIV. 
 
 Charles keeps a secret well, or I'm deceiv'd : 
 F©r^fdthing Charles can say will be believM 
 
79 
 
 ccxv. 
 
 Unhappy Chremes, neighbour to a peer, 
 Kept half his sheep, and fatted half his deer ; 
 klcmiay his gates thrown down, his fences broke, 
 And injur M still the more, the more he spoke ; 
 At last, resolv'd his potent foe to awe, 
 And guard his right by statute and by law, 
 A suit in Chancery the wretch begun, 
 "Nine happy terms through bill and answer run, 
 )tain'd his cause — had costs — and was undone. 
 
 CCXVI. 
 
 I owe, says Thomas, much to Peter's care ; 
 Once only seen, he chose me for his heir : S^Tr^ 
 True, Thomas ; hence your fortunes take t#eir rise ; 
 His heir you wei'e not— »had he seen you twice. 
 
 CCXVII. 
 
 Words felt. 
 
 The Latin word for cold, one ask'd his friend ; 
 It is, said he— 'tis at my finger's end. 
 
 CCXVIII. 
 
 Sir Charles, embroider'd, sneers my threadbare vest 
 
 Sir Charles ! 'tis paid for. — Now where lies the jest \ 
 
 E3 / 
 
80 
 
 CCXIX. 
 
 The Connoisseur. 
 
 He long has been a man of taste complete : farwy 
 Would that he now had something" left to yit ! 
 
 cexx. 
 
 On Beauty. 
 
 While Sylvia at her glass her charms unfolds, 
 And Phaon's eye a double form beholds ; 
 What has the am'rous youth, alas ! survey'd ? 
 A shadow one — one soon to be a shade. 
 A real likeness the kind mirror shews, 
 
 Herself that fleeting phantom which she views. 
 
 t 
 
 CCXXI. 
 
 Affectedly nice. 
 
 'Tis strange, Prudilla, you accuse 
 
 Of too much warmth my wanton muse, 
 
 When you read on with all your migh 
 And practise what I only write, l/i 
 
 CCXXII. 
 
 p 
 
 £* Bright as the sun, and as the morning fair, 
 Such Ghloe is, — and common as the air. 
 
81 
 
 CCXXIII. 
 
 Tai* with beau Fopling caught his wife ; 
 He scream'd and fled ; she begg'd for life, 
 T&r saw contrition in her e}^es, /j , 
 
 And thus the blunt old sailor cries : vaa Uh 
 Spouse, the first fault we may forgive/ 
 But ne'er repeat it while you live. 6 
 
 CCXXIV. 
 
 Why is a handsome wife ador'd 
 By every coxcomb, but her lord ? 
 From yonder puppet-man enquire, 
 Who wisely hides his wood and wire : 
 Shows Sheba's queen, completely drest. 
 And Solomon in royal vest : 
 . But view them litter'd on the floor, 
 Or strung on pegs behind the door ; 
 Punch is exactly of a piece 
 With Lorain's duke, and prince of Greece. 
 
 ccxxv. 
 
 Written under a Statue of Mars, with Marlborough's 
 Face. 
 
 With, such an air and mien Mars took the field ; 
 To such a mien and air did Venus yield. 
 E4 
 
82 
 
 CCXXVl. 
 
 Lucinda has the devil and all, 
 
 Of that bright thing- we beauty call y\ 
 
 But if she yields not to my arms, ' ISLAM 
 
 What care 1 for all her charms ? ' wj-ft 
 
 Beautv's the sauce to love's high meatfc 
 
 But who minds sauce he must not eat ? 
 
 CCXXVII. 
 
 On a Lady -who -was offended, at being left alone ivi 
 a Gentleman. 
 
 Why then that blush ! allay that needless fear; 
 Mistaken maid — no ravisher is near ! 
 When thou art next in danger, ask thy glass ; 
 Would any forfeit heaven for such a face ? // ~r \ 
 Whoe'er thy chastity would then molest, /' 
 Show 'em thy face — and that will guard the rest. 
 
 CCXXVIII. 
 
 Whisp'ring close a maid long courted, 
 
 Thus cry'd Drone, by touch transported ; 
 
 Prithee tell me, gentle Dolly ! 
 
 Is not loving long a folly ? 
 
 Yes, said she, with smile reproving,* -^ 
 
 Loving long, and only loving. w\ I * 
 
 i 
 
83 
 
 CCXXIX. 
 
 On St. David's Day. 
 
 Why on St. David's day do Welshmen seek, 
 To beautify their hats with verdant leek, 
 Of nauseous smell ? " For honour 'tis," hur say, 
 " Dulce et decorum est pro p atria." 
 " Right, Sir, to die or fight, it is, I think ; j , 
 ^"But how is't dulce, when you for it stink Tyhfo/i^^i^ 
 
 ccxxx. 
 
 Upon a Woman of the Town, 
 
 Before enjoyment lovers cry, A 
 
 Of Cupid's fiery darts they die ; r jrp L 
 
 Yet, once possest, the fair complains, 
 
 No spark of all the flame remains ; {u/Aa~± 
 
 The swain that tries this lovely dame, 
 
 • '^JifteSr enjoyment finds the JZame, 
 , < » \ 
 
 CCXXXI. 
 
 On a bad Painter, 
 
 Fabius, you say, is much inclin'd 
 
 Each cheek with too much red to fill ; 
 
 His pieces only blush to find, 
 
 Th£ painter draws their looks so ill. 
 
 •" E 5 
 
84 
 
 CCXXXII. 
 
 The Contest settled. 
 
 A Welshman and an Englishman disputed, 
 
 Which of their lands maintain'd the greatest state; 
 
 The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted, 
 The Welshman yet would not his vaunts abate, 
 
 Ten cooks, quoth he, in Wales, one wedding sees $ 
 
 Ay, quoth the other, each man toasts his cheese . Ato^i 
 
 CCXXXIII. 
 
 Tender-handed, stroke a nettle, 
 
 And it stings you for your pains : 
 Grasp it, like a man of mettle, 
 . ■ And it soft as silk remains. 
 
 Iii ii 
 
 'Tis the same with common natures, 
 Use them kindly, they rebel ; 
 
 But be rough as nutmeg-graters, 
 And the rogues obey you well; 
 
 CCXXXIV. 
 
 Victrix causa diis placint> &c. 
 
 The gods and Cato did in this divide : 
 
 They chose the conquering, he the conquer'd side, 
 
85 
 
 ccxxxv. 
 
 I lov'd thee beautiful and kind, 
 And plighted an eternal vow : 
 
 So alter'd are thy face and mind, 
 'Twere perjury to love thee now. 
 
 CCXXXVI. 
 
 Chloe's the wonder of her sex ; 
 
 'Tis well her heart is tender : 
 How might such killing eyes perplex, 
 
 With virtue to defend her ? 
 
 But nature, graciously inclinM \ 
 
 With lib'ral hand to please us, \IM V 
 
 Has to her boundless beauty johr«L 
 A boundless bent to ease us, 
 
 CCXXXVII. 
 
 From the Greek. 
 
 Poor in my youth, and now, when age appears, 
 Wealthy, I bend beneath the load of years : 
 Harsh the decrees of my too cruel fate, 
 Wretched alike, and curs'd in either state : 
 While I had po-u?r to use — means were denyM ; 
 And now that pow'r is lost — are they supply'd. 
 
86 
 
 CCXXXVIII. 
 
 The cruel Beauty 'weeping. 
 
 Fantastick nymph ! that grief should move 
 
 Thy heart, obdurate against love. 
 
 Strange tears ! whose power can soften all/ 
 
 But that dear breast on which they fall. ■lj/W[f] n A 
 
 CCXXXIX. 
 
 Reverse the Proposition, 
 
 Yes ! every poet is a fool : 
 
 By demonstration Ned can show it : 
 
 Happy could Ned's inverted rule 
 Prove every fool to be a poet. 
 
 CCXL. 
 
 Jack his own merit sees. This gives him pride j 
 And he sees more than all the world beside. 
 
 CCXLI. 
 
 A Peer's Dinner. 
 
 When you with upstart nobles dine, 
 Expect false English, and stumm'd wine 
 They never taste, who alwavs drink,- 
 They always talk who never think. 
 
87 
 
 CCXLII. 
 
 On the Derivation of the -word news. 
 
 The word explains itself, without the muse, 
 And the four letters speak from whence comes nevts. 
 From North, East, West, South, the solution's mad**, 
 Each quarter gives accounts of war and trade. 
 
 CCXLIII. 
 
 To a Lady, very violent against the Quakers 9 Tythe 
 Bill 
 
 At Quakers, dear Eusebia, why so wroth ? 
 
 Just the same principle directs you both ; 
 
 Just the same practice (and you'll ne'er forsake it,} 
 
 Neyer to give the thing, but let us take it. !XMl/V yiA A 
 
 CCXLIV. * 
 
 Why liv'd Calliope so long a maid ? ^ *-lT>' 
 Because she had no dowry to be paid, u 
 
 CCXLV. 
 
 No, Varus hates a thing that's base, — 
 I own indeed he's got a knack 
 >• tPf natt'ring people to their face, 
 
 But scorn's tc do't behind their back. 
 
88 
 
 CCXLVI. 
 
 On a fine Library, 
 
 With eyes of wonder, the gay shelves behold : 
 Poets, all rags alive, now clad in gold. 
 In life and death, one common fate they share, 
 And on their backs still all their riches wear. 
 
 CCXLVIL 
 
 On Butler's Monument in Westminster Abbey, 
 
 Whilst Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive, 
 
 No gen'rous patron would a dinner give : 
 
 See him when starv'd to death, and turn'd to dust, 
 
 Presented with a monumental bust ! 
 
 The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,— 
 
 He ask'd for bread, and he receiv'd a stone, 
 
 CCXLVIII. 
 
 When man and woman die, as poets sung, L f*tf(y\/" 
 His heart's the last part moves ; her last, the toygue. 
 
 CCXLIX. 
 
 Brutus, unmov'd, heard how his Portia fell 
 Should Jack's wife die, he would behave as 
 
 
 vi 
 
89 
 CCL. 
 
 Death at a cobler's door oft made a stand, 
 And always found him on the mending hand. 
 At last came Death, in very dirty weather, 
 And ript the soal quite from the upper leather ; 
 j4 Death put a trick upon him, and, what was't ?^>? 
 The cobler calPd for's awl, Death brought his" last. 
 
 CCLL 
 
 On being expelPd a Lady's company. 
 
 Thus Adam look'd when from the garden driv'n, 
 And thus disputed orders sent from heav'n : 
 Like him I go, though to depart I'm loth ; 
 Like him I go, for angels drive us both. 
 Hard was his fate, but mine still more unkind — 
 His Eve went with him, but mine says behind. 
 
 CCLII. 
 
 If evils eome not, then our fears are vain ; 
 And, if they do, fear but augments the pain, 
 
 CCLIII. 
 
 When man was made, God sent a helper to him ; 
 And so she prov'd, for she heip'd to undo him. 
 
90 
 
 CCLIV. 
 
 The Lover's Prologue. 
 
 Kisses are prologues, which forerun 
 
 A greater action to be done : 
 
 And, to a hungry lover's taste^y y + - 
 
 Are invitations, not the feast. *'Ct-t*4Mf> 
 
 / CCLV. 
 
 Says Giles, my wife and I are two : 
 Yet, faith ! I know not why, Sir ! 
 
 Quoth Jack, you're ten, if I speak true,- 
 She's one, and you're a cypher. 
 
 ecLvi. 
 
 The miser Scrapeall sick, for Styptic sends, 
 The terms ' no cure no pay* the Leech attends ; 
 From Scrapeall or his heirs ihe pay is sure, 
 For Styptic's practice is to kill or cure. 
 
 CCLVII. 
 
 I've heard your loss, your wife is dead, 
 Consoling Tom to Richard said. 
 ** My wife is dead," cries Dick, " i own ; 
 " But for the loss, I know of none." 
 
01 
 
 CCLVIII. 
 
 Six tedious months young 1 Damon sighM 
 In vain his am'rous tale : 
 
 He sued, implor'd : Chlo still deny'd ; 
 No efforts couid prevail. 
 
 At length he tried the pow'r of gold- 
 She soon to chide forgot : 
 
 The fair one was no longer cold>f 9^ , 
 
 But prov'd— alas ! too hot. \f?^ ^lOtm,^ 
 
 CCLIX. 
 
 With folded hands, and lifted eyes, 
 
 n Have mercy, Heaven !" the parson cries, 
 
 " And on our sun-burnt, thirsty plains, 
 
 " Tftiy blessing send in genial rains !" 
 
 The sermon ended and the prayers, 
 
 The parson to be gone prepares ; 
 
 When with a look of brighten'd smiles — 
 
 " Thank Heaven, it rains," cries farmer Giles. 
 
 " Rains!" quoth the parson, ** Sure you joke ! 
 
 c< Rain ! Heaven. forbid ! I've got no cloak." 
 
 CCLX. 
 
 Hie jacet Ned Fib. 
 
 Say not with Death that ev'ry foible dies ; 
 Witness poor Ned ; he's dead, and here he lie«. 
 
92 
 
 CCLXI. 
 
 On Dr. Doddridge's Motto, " Dum vivimus viva- 
 mas." By himself. 
 
 Live, while you live — the Epicure would say, 
 And seize the pleasure of the present day. 
 Live, while you live — the sacred preacher cries, 
 And give to God each moment as it flies. 
 Lord, in my views, let both united be ! 
 I live in pleasure while I live to Thee. 
 
 CCLXII. 
 
 The Broad Hint. 
 
 - Phillis, you've wish'd me oft to write, 
 In praise of beauteous red and white,\0^ 
 And, by some am'rous grimaces, ; » 
 Invited me to praise your graces. \^ 
 Not to dissemble, therefore, I ^N 
 
 Cannot do it, let me die : ^Ny 
 
 But, in the humour I'm now in, >v 
 
 I fain would praise what I've not seen : 
 'Tis therefore in your pow'r to raise 
 An ample trophy to your praise. 
 
 CCLX11I. 
 
 When men of infamy to grandeur soar. 
 
 They light a torch to show their shame the more. 
 
CCLXIY. 
 
 The Prisoner. 
 
 Brave Titus three years had in London been> 
 Yet nor the lions, nor the tombs had seen ; 
 1 cannot tell the cause without a smile : 
 He had been in the Compter all the while. 
 
 CCLXV. 
 
 Arria and PoeTUS. 
 
 When from her bosom Arria pulFd the blade, 
 Thus to her lord, the tender heroine said : 
 The wound I gave myself, with ease I bearp^ 
 Alas ! I die by that which kills my dear\\ 
 
 CCLXVI. 
 i 
 
 Thus with kind words Sir Edward cheer'd his 
 
 friend : 
 Dear Dick ! thou on my friendship may'st depend ; 
 I know thy fortune is but scant ; 
 But, be assured, I'll ne'er see Dick in want. 
 Dick's soon confin'd — his friend, no doubt, would 
 *, » free him : 
 
 His word he kept — in want he ne'er -would see him. 
 F 
 
94 
 
 CCLXVII. 
 
 Unhappy, Dido, was thy fate, 
 
 In first and second wedded state ! 
 
 One husband caus'd thy flight by dying; 
 
 Thy death the other caus'd by flying. 
 
 CCLXVIII. 
 
 Ticio stands gazing for the clouded sun, 
 To be inform'd how fast his hours will run. 
 Ah ! foolish Ticio, art thou sound in mind, 
 To lose by seeking, what thou seek'st to find I 
 
 CCLXIX. 
 
 Human Inconsistency. 
 
 Weak man would cry if sure to die - {iAMZJ^T 
 Before a month were past ; w>Z J\ 
 
 Yet laughs away this poor short day,^^ 
 Which is perhaps his last. 
 
 CCLXX. 
 
 To a Parson who Iv&ednot up to -what he taught. 
 
 T' expect thy doctrine follow'd, were absurd, a . . A 
 When thy life shows, thou credit'st not a wordJl |\ " y 
 
95 
 
 CCLXXI. 
 
 Courage misplaced. 
 
 As Thomas was cudgellM one day by his wife, 
 He took to the street, and fled for his life : 
 Tom's three dearest friends came by in the squabble, 
 And sav*d him at once from the shrew and the 
 
 rabble, 
 Then ventur'd to give him some sober advice ; 
 But Tom is a person of honour so nice, 
 Too wise to take counsel, too proud to take warning, 
 That he sent, to all thr^e^a challenge next morning. 
 Three duels he fought? txfmjbe/ tye ventur'd his life, 
 Went home, and was c/udgell'd again by his wife. 
 / 
 
 C£LXX1L 
 
 s, 
 
 Written in Qj^Lady's Almanack. 
 
 Think, bright Florella, when you see 
 The constant changes of the year, 
 
 That nothing is from ruin free, 
 
 And gayest things must disappear. 
 
 Think of your glories in their bloom ; 
 
 The spring of sprightly youth improve ; 
 For cruel age, alas ! will come, 
 
 And then 'twill be too late to love. 
 F2 
 
96 
 
 CCLXXI1I. 
 
 Epitaph. 
 
 Nobles and Heralds, by your leave, 
 Here lies what once was Matthew Prior, 
 
 The son of Adam and of Eve — 
 Can Bourbon or Nassau go higher ? 
 
 CCLXXIV. 
 
 Gripe cmu/Shifte*. 
 
 Rich Gripe does all fris t^olghts and cunning bend, 
 T" increase that wealth he. wants the soul to spend. 
 Poor Shifter does his whole contrivance set, 
 To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get. 
 How happy would appear to each his fate, 
 Had Gripe his humour, or he Gripe's estate ! 
 Kind Fate and Fortune, blend 'em, if you can, 
 And of two wretches make one happy man. 
 
 CCLXXV. 
 
 When seventy, as 'tis sometimes seen, 
 Joins hands in wedlock with seventeen, 
 
 We all th' unequal match abuse. 
 But where's the odds we fret about ? 
 Difference in age there is no doubt ; 
 
 1\\ folly — not a pin to choose ! 
 
97 
 
 CCLXXVI. 
 
 To a disinherited Spendthrift. 
 
 Thy father all from thee, by his last will, 
 Gave to the poor. Thou hast good title still. 
 
 CCLXXVII. 
 
 Epitaph on Sir John Vanburgh. 
 
 Lie heavy on him, Earth : for He 
 .Laid many heavy loads on thee ! 
 
 CCLXXVIII. 
 
 How apt are men to lie ! How dare they say, 
 When life is gone, all learning fleets away ? 
 Since this glad grave holds Chloe fair and young, 
 "Who, where she is, first learnt — to hold her tongue. 
 
 CCLXXIX. 
 
 Tho' George, with respect to the wrong and the 
 
 right, 
 Is of twenty opinions, 'twixt morning and night ; 
 If you call him a turn-coat you injure the man ; 
 He's the pink of consistency, on his own plan. 
 While to stick to the strongest is always, his trim ; 
 ? Tis not he changes side, 'tis the side changes him / 
 F3 
 
98 
 
 CCLXXX. 
 
 On a Wasp settling' on Delia's arm. 
 
 How sweetly careless Delia seems, 
 {Her innocence can fear no harm) 
 
 While round th' envenom'd insect skims, 
 Then settles on her snowy arm ! 
 
 Ye flutt'ring beaux, and spiteful bards, V\ 
 To you this moral truth I sing : — 
 
 Sense, join'd to virtue, disregards 
 
 Both Folly's buzz, and Satire's sting, \ 
 
 CCLXXXI. 
 
 & 
 
 A cannon ball, one bloody day, 
 Took a poor sailor's leg away ; 
 . And. as on's comrade's back he made off, 
 A second fairly took his head off. 
 The fellow, on this odd emergence, 
 Carries him pick-pack to the surgeon's : 
 What ! cries the Doctor, are you drunk, 
 To bring me here a headless trunk ? 
 A lying dog ! cries Jack — he said, 
 His leg was off, and not his head. 
 
 m 
 
 CCLXXXII. 
 
 J Tis a mere nothing that you ask, you cry : 
 If you ask nothing — nothing I deny. Wff\ ^ 
 
99 
 
 ccLxxxm. 
 
 Upon a young gentleman refusing to -walk with the au* 
 thor in the Park, because he -was not dressed well. 
 
 Friend Col, and I, both full of whim. 
 
 To shun each other oft agree ; 
 For I'm not beau enough for him, 
 
 gA.nd he's too much a beau for me. 
 
 , Then let us from each other fly, 
 And arm in arm no more appear ; 
 That I may ne'er offend your eye, 
 That you may ne'er offend my ear. 
 
 CCLXXXIV. 
 
 In bed we laugh, in bed we cry ; 
 
 And born in bed, in bed we die : 
 
 The near approach a bed may §how -f — ' 
 
 Of human bliss to human wo. |4^M/ I' k\>J 
 
 CCLXXXV. J 
 
 Electrick Conductors. 
 
 While you, great prince ! for knowledge hunt, 
 And sharp conductors change for blunt, 
 
 The empire's out of joint : 
 Franklin a wiser path pursues, 
 And all your thunder heedless views, 
 
 By sticking to the point. 
 F4 
 
 
100 
 
 CCLXXXVI. 
 
 
 You sell your wife's rich jewels, lace and clothes ; 
 Tiit price once paid, away the purchase goes : 
 Bat she a better bargain proves, I'm told ; 
 Still sold, returns ; and still is to be sold. 
 
 CCLXXXVII. 
 
 Thus spoke old hum'rous Bowsy from his bed, 
 When a late visit some rude villains made : 
 Yl hat seek ve here, my friends, at midnight, pray ? 
 The devil a thing can 1 see at mid-day. (\ [\ [UK 
 
 CCLXXXVIII. 
 
 Says parson Sly, " I'll fib, d'ye see, 
 
 If you'll reward me freely.^ 
 "Lit opf quoth Nick, " and claim of me, 
 
 The bishoprick of E— LYE." 
 
 CCLXXXIX. 
 
 On Marriage. 
 
 Whoever seals the marriage vow, 
 
 'Jiswell agreed, makes one of two; . 
 
 But who can tell, save God alone, [}(\lb <^\ 
 
 What numbers may make two of one\P n [Pp^ 
 
 \wr 
 
101 
 
 ccxc. 
 
 The Clown's reply. 
 
 John Trott was desired by two witty peers 
 
 To tell them the reason why asses had ears. 
 
 " An't please you," quoth John, " I'm not given to 
 
 letters, 
 " Nor dare I pretend to know more than my betters : 
 " Howe'er, from this time, I shall ne'er see your 
 
 Graces, Wjffi 
 
 cc As I hope to be sav'd ! without thinking 61 asses. 9 * 
 
 I 
 CCXCI. 
 
 What makes home. 
 
 4( Dear friend, of late you seem to shun my door ; 
 To morrow come, we dine exact at four." 
 <c Well, Dick, I'll come, altho' your lady's din 
 Proves you are not at home, and yet within.' 
 No paradox is here — plain sense decrees* h 
 Man only is at home, where he's at ease. \ 
 
 ccxcu. 
 
 To an Antiquary. 
 
 Give me the thing that's pretty, odd, and new j 
 All ugly, old, odd things — I leave to you. 
 
102 
 
 \ 
 CCXCIII. 
 
 Issue joined. 
 
 " Aye ! Honesty's a jewel," Richard cry'd, 
 
 " That shines the clearer still, the more 'tis try'd." 
 
 " True, Dick," quoth Jeremy — " yourself may shew 
 
 it, 
 " Your Honesty's so clear — we all see through it." 
 
 CCXCIV. 
 
 Were we to judge from scenes profuse, 
 That happiness from wealth ensues, 
 
 All would admire thy lot, be sure ; 
 But when stern reason bids profess 
 " Man's real wealth is happiness," 
 
 Then thou indeed art very poor. 
 
 ccxcv. 
 
 Ye little loves that round her wait, 
 To bring* me tidings of my fate, 
 As Celia on her pillow lies, 
 Ah ! gently whisper, Strephon dies ! 
 If this will not her pity move, 
 And the proud fair disdains to love ; 
 Then laugh, and say 'tis all a lie, — 
 And haughty Strephon scorns to die. 
 
103 
 
 CCXCVI. 
 
 On Nell Batchelor, an Oxford Pye-Woman. 
 
 Here, in the dust 
 
 The mouldering crust 
 Of Eleanor Batchelor's shoven ; 
 
 Well vers'd in the arts 
 
 Of pies, custards, and tarts, 
 And the lucrative skill of the oven. 
 
 When she'd liv'd long enough, 
 
 She made her last puff— 
 A puff by her husband much prais'd : 
 
 Now here she doth lie, 
 
 And makes a dirt pie, 
 In hopes that her crust shall be raised* 
 
 CCXCVIL 
 
 Flam, to my face, is oft too kind ; 
 
 He over rates both worth and talents : 
 But then he never fails, I find, 
 
 When we're apart — to strike the balance. 
 
 CCXCVIII. 
 
 In marriage are two happy things allow'd ; 
 A wife in wedding sheets and in a shroud ; 
 How can the marriage state then be accurs'd, 
 Since the last day's as happy as the first ? 
 
104 
 
 CCXCIX. 
 
 Whilst busy Tim his shop attends, 
 His dearee trades with private friends ; 
 
 The only difference this is : 
 While Tim, by every bargain made, 
 Diminishes his stock in trade, |rj j « i (/lYV 
 
 By's wife his stock encreases. 
 
 ccc. 
 
 The Bully. 
 
 How kind has Nature unto Bluster been, 
 W r ho gave him dreadful looks and dauntless mien ; 
 Gave tongue to swagger, eyes to strike dismay, 
 And, kinder still, gave legs to run atvay / 
 
 CCCI. 
 
 The learn'd say laughter is denyM 
 
 To creatures void of reason ; 
 Yet John with laughter strains each side, 
 
 And 'tis well known that he's one* 
 
 CCCIL 
 
 On Foote's Death. 
 
 Foote from his earthly stage, alas ! is hurl'd ; 
 Death took him off, who took off all the world. 
 
105 
 
 CCCIH. 
 
 On polard oak, hollow at heart, 
 Tremendous lightning darted. 
 
 Tremble at God's avenging dart, (U*-^ 
 O! all ye hollow hearted. * 
 
 CCCIV. 
 
 Dialogue between Harry -who had a better Library 
 than Understanding, and Dick -who had a better 
 Understanding than Library. 
 
 Quoth Harry to his friend one day, 
 " Would, Richard, I'd thy head !" 
 
 c What wilt thou give for't ? (Dick replied,) 
 ' The bargain's quickly made/ 
 
 "My head, and all my books, I'd give, 
 
 " With readiness and freedom." 
 * I'd take thy books ; but with thy head 
 
 ' I fear I ne'er eould read 'era.' 
 
 cccv. 
 
 Still Milo rallies sacred writ, 
 
 To win the title of a wit : 
 
 'Tis pity but he should obtain it, 
 
 Who bravely pays his soul to gain it. 
 
106 
 
 CCCVI. 
 
 On Mr. Cornelius **, 
 
 Nigrinus leads a married life, 
 Not with his own, but neighbour's wife ; 
 And though Cornelius knows 'tis thus, 
 The fool's Cornelius Tacitus. 
 
 CCCVII. 
 
 The Decanter. 
 
 O thou, that high thy head dost bear, 
 With round smooth neck and single ear ; 
 With well turn'd, narrow mouth, from whence 
 Flow streams of noblest eloquence ; 
 'Tis thou that firest the bard divine, 
 Sacred to Phoebus and the Nine ; 
 That mirth and soft delight canst move, 
 Sacred to Venus and to Love. 
 Yet spite of all thy virtues rare, 
 Thou'rt not a boon companion fair ; 
 Thou'rt full of wine, when thirsty, I ; 
 And when I'm drunk, then thou art dry, 
 
 CCCVIIL 
 
 • •. ', 
 If Ben to Charles a legacy has given, 
 The grateful Charles now wishes him— in heaven. 
 
107. 
 
 eccix. 
 
 On the diminutive Arch of Blenheim Bridge, built by 
 his Grace *****. 
 
 The Minnows, as through this vast arch they pass, 
 Cry — How like whales we look ! thanks to your 
 Grace. 
 
 CCCX. 
 
 Thomas is sure a most courageous man ; 
 
 " A word and bloio" for ever is his plan : 
 
 And thus his friends explain the curious matter ; 
 
 He gives the first, and then receives the latter. 
 
 CCCXI. 
 
 As physick and verse both to Phoebus belong, 
 So the college oft dabble in potion and song ; 
 Hence B*****, resolv'd his emeticks shall hit, 
 •When his recipe fails, gives a puke with his wit. 
 
 CCCXII. 
 
 Ne<jl says he lost his wealth by ship-wreck wholly : 
 Thenj.vanity's a sea ,* a rock is folly. 
 
108 
 
 cccxm. 
 
 On seeing the words " Domus Ultima" inscribed on the 
 vault belonging to the Dukes of Richmond, in the 
 Cathedral of Chichester. 
 
 Did he, who thus inscrib'd this wall, 
 Not read, and not believe, St. Paul, 
 Who says, there is, where'er it stands, 
 " Another house not made with hands ?" 
 Or shall we gather from these words, 
 That house is not a house of Lords ? 
 
 CCCXIV. 
 
 By Dr. Farmer, on being in company with a number 
 of ladies whose name began ivith a B. 
 
 How strange it is that Cupid should decree 
 That all our favourites should begin with B. 
 How shall we solve this paradox of ours ? — ( in\ 
 The Bee comes always to the sweetest fowerL 
 
 cccxv. 
 
 On the Death of the Earl of Kildare. 
 
 Who kilVd Kildare ? Who dared Kildare to kill? 
 
 Death answers, 
 i kilVd Kildare, zndj&are kill whom I will. 
 
109 
 
 CCCXVI. 
 
 On Lord Nelson's victory at the Nile. 
 
 France saw great Nelson chasing o'er the waves 
 Her flying heroes, and tyrannick slaves ; 
 Sorely she rued their ill advis'd departure — fy 6*^* 
 They meant to hunt the Turk, but caught a Tartar. 
 
 CCCXVII. 
 
 On the report of the Royal Family of France being 
 taken, by the King's stopping to drink a bottle of 
 Burgundy. 
 
 "' Sire," said the anxious Queen, " for God's sake 
 
 | think 
 
 "What it may cost us, if you stop to drink." 
 
 u Ma'am," quoth the King (and tost a bumber dawj^] 
 
 " You know it cannot cost above ; 
 
 ^st a bumber down J I 
 
 : a CROWN." ffP 
 
 CCCXVIII. 
 
 On Lord Chief Justice E- 
 
 | In spite of quirk, quibble, writ of error, or flaw, &*\ 
 Since Law* is made justice, seek justice from l&wJ'/u 
 
 * Law is the family name. 
 
110 
 CCCXIX. 
 
 Matrimony ; in imitation of Chaucer. 
 
 Right welle by learned clerkis it is said, 
 t % That womanhoode for manne his use was made ; 
 But nausrhtie manne liketh not one or soe, 
 But wisheth aye unthriftilie for mo ; 
 And when by holy church to one he's tied, 
 Then for his soule he cannot her abide. 
 
 Thus when a dogge first lighteth on a bone, 
 Histaile he waggeth, gladde thereof y-grown ; 
 But if thilke bone unto his taile thou tie, 
 Pardie, he fearing it, away doth flie. 
 
 cccxx. 
 
 The Wish. 
 
 If some good natur'd pow'r divine 
 E'er deign to view this cot of mine ; 
 And if that god, as gods have been 
 * 5 Delighted with a rural scene, 
 
 Well pleas'd, will promise to impart 
 The bliss that heaves my ling'ring heart; 
 This wish I'll readily present — 
 " Make me in every state content." 
 
Ill 
 
 CCCXXI. 
 
 Epigram on an Epigram, 
 
 Take a portion of wit, 
 
 And fashion it fit, 
 Like a needle, with point and \jfci eye 
 
 A point that can wound, flfr/J 
 
 An eye to look round, j' 
 And at folly or vice let it fly/ 
 
 CCCXXII. 
 
 On Dr. Friend's long*tvinded Epitaphs. 
 
 Friend ! in' your epitaphs I'm griev'd, 
 
 So very much is said : 
 One half will never be believ'd, 
 
 The other never read. 
 
 cccxxm. 
 
 m 
 
 I've lost my mistress, horse, and wife ; 
 But when I think on human life, 
 
 I'm glad it is no worse : 
 My wife was ugly and a scold ; 
 My Chloe was grown lean and old— 
 
 I'm sorry for my horse ! 
 G 
 
m 
 
 CCCXXIV. 
 
 The Fan. 
 
 Jblavia the least and slightest toy 
 
 Can witWesistless art employ : 
 
 This lan^ meaner hands would prove 
 
 An engine of small force in Ipve ; 
 
 Yet she villi gentle art and mien, 
 
 Not to be told, or safely seen, 
 
 Directs its wanton motions so, 
 
 That it wounds more than Cupid's bow ; 
 
 Gives coolness to the matchless dame, — 
 
 To every other breast a flame. 
 
 CCCXXV. 
 
 Whilst Zoilus, with canker'd spite, 
 
 My reputation slays, 
 The way that I his spleen requite, 
 
 Is loading him with praise. 
 
 How oddly happy is my case, 
 
 'Tis easy to conceive, 
 Since whatsoever either says, 
 
 No mortal can believe. 
 
113 
 
 CCCXXVI. 
 
 I perish of too much desire, 
 If she inexorable prove ; v 
 
 And shall with too much joy expire, 
 If she be gracious tojny love. , 
 
 10 my love. *• 
 
 re'my wounp&i breast, 
 l am to die ^*/r 
 
 Thus nought can cure 1 
 
 But I most certain 
 Or by the ill by which possest, 
 
 Or by the happy remedy. 
 
 CCCXXVII. 
 
 On ***, Poet and Cutler. 
 
 Vulcan, they say, made mighty arms for Mars, 
 
 (Cuckolds are kind) but he ne'er made a verse . 
 
 Apollo, he made verses, but in's life, 
 
 I t never heard that e'er he made a knife. 
 
 Now *** does, all that both these gods could do— 
 
 Hammers out verses and hard iron too. 
 
 CCCXXVII1. 
 
 If Lucy but wear it, a feather's a charm ; 
 Ah ! who can be safe when a feather can harm ? 
 Fly, Youth, from this beauty, whoever i r.hou art ; 
 * 4 lf And, warn'd by the feather, bewareof the dart. 
 G 2 W^^ 
 
114 
 
 CCCXXIX. 
 
 On a Lady -who valued herself for her sincerity. 
 
 Well you sincerity display ; 
 
 A virtue wondrous rare ! 
 Nor v^ttte, though the world should say 
 
 You're rude, so you're sincere. 
 To be sincere, then, give me leave*/ ^^ 
 
 And I will frankly own, j/ffrV 
 
 Since you but this one virtue have, 
 
 'Twere better you had none. 
 
 cccxxx. 
 
 On Bean Swift's bequeathing his Fortune to build a 
 Mad-House. 
 
 To madness Swift bequeaths his whole estate ; 
 Why should we wonder ? Swift is right in that : 
 For 'tis a rule, as all our lawyers know, 
 Men's fortunes to the next of kin should go ; I 
 And 'tis as sure, unless old bards have ly'd, /j/%/i/l 
 Great wits and madness are most near ally'd. 
 
 cccxxxr. 
 
 Nell, try'd for stealing linen, answer'd swift, \ 
 Compeli'd through want, she did it — for a shift, 77*^ 
 
115 
 
 CCCXXXIT. 
 
 On an accident that happened at the original represent- 
 ation of Cato. 
 
 While Maudlin Whigs deplore tkeir Cato's fate, 
 
 Still with dry eyes the Tory Celia sat ; 
 
 But tho' her pride forbade her eyes to mfw, 
 
 The gushing waters found a vent below. 
 
 Thro* secret^paths with copious streams she mourns, 
 
 Like twenty river gods with all their urns ; 
 
 Let others screw a hypocritick face ; 
 
 She shows her grief in a sincerer place? 
 
 Here Nature reigns, and passion void of art ; 
 
 For that road leads directly to the heart. 
 
 CCCXXXIII. 
 
 While Gam and Isis their sad tribute bring 
 
 Of rival grief to weep their pious king; 
 
 The bards of Isis half had been forgot, 
 
 Had not the sons of Cam, in pity wrote ; 
 
 From their learn'd brothers they took off the curse, 
 
 And prov'd their verse not bad — by writing worse. 
 
 CCCXXXIV. 
 
 Your Poll, Sir Knight, with deep concern you own, 
 To mother church is such a bigot grown, 
 That she her Father visits — though forbidden 
 Ah, friend ! I shrewdly fear thy wife's priest -ridden^ , 
 G3 / 
 
 Uriddeny r 9 ** 
 
116 
 
 cccxxxv. 
 
 On a Sight at Lambeth. 
 
 While bunters, attending the archbishop's door, 
 Accosted each other with cheat, bitch, and -whore 
 I noted the drabs, and considering- the place, 
 Concluded 'twas plain that they wanted his grai 
 
 CCCXXXVL 
 
 On a Lady*s refusing to show her Hand. 
 
 No argument could Celia move ; 
 
 With strong reluctance still she strove, 
 
 Her lovely hand to hide ; 
 The case is plain ; she was afraid, 
 That, plac'd in view, it might be said, 
 
 'Twas by her hand they dy'd. 
 
 CCCXXXVII. 
 
 The Prudent Maid, 
 
 Help me, nature ; help me, art ; 
 Why should I deny my heart : 
 If a lover will pursue, 
 Like the wisest let me do ; 
 I will fit him, if he's true ; 
 If he's false, I'll fit him too. 
 
117 
 
 CCCXXXVIIL 
 
 On a bad Translation o/Horace, 
 
 Once Horace fancy'd, from a man, 
 He was transform 'd into a swa?i ; 
 But * * * as from him thou learnest, 
 Hast made the man a goose in earnest. 
 
 CCCXXXIX. 
 
 With industry I spread your praise, 
 With equal you my censure blaze ; 
 But faith, 'tis all in vain we do, — 
 The world nor credits me, nor you. 
 
 CCCXL. 
 
 While Corydon with awkward grace, 
 And downcast modesty of face, 
 
 Accosts the pest Lycoris ; 
 She, who before was never coy, 
 With pride insults the bashful boy, 
 
 Nor heeds his love-sick stories. 
 In vain his friends oppose his flame, 
 And tell him his disdainful dame 
 
 Is but a very -woman .* 
 He swears she is a goddess bright ; — 
 While she, to fit her lover right, 
 
 Imagines he is no man. 
 G 4 
 
118 
 
 CCCXLI. 
 
 To a coy Lady. 
 
 J Tis the Arabian bird alone 
 Lives chaste, because there is but one 
 But had kind nature made them two, 
 They would like doves and sparrows do 
 
 CCCXLII. 
 
 f 
 
 V 
 
 The Jews, as we in Sacred Writ are told, 
 
 To buy a god, gave Aaron all their gold ; 
 
 But Christians now, times are so monstrous odd, 
 
 To heap up gold, will even sell their God. 
 
 CCCXLIII. 
 
 Fickle is vext at heart, he says, to see 
 
 His Lydia look on him so scurvily : 
 
 Thou art a most uuconscionable man ; 
 
 Would'st have the girl look better than she can T 
 
 CCCXLIV. 
 
 On a Statue of Cupid. 
 
 Whoe'er thou art, thy lord and master see : 
 Thou ivast my slave, or art, or thou shali be. 
 
 
 
119 
 
 CCCXLV. 
 
 I die with sadness, if the blushing- fair 
 These eyes adore, rejects her lover's prayer ; 
 I die with transport, if her gentle ear 
 Is pleas'd her lover's soft complaint to hear. 
 How shall a wretch his fate contrive to shun, 
 Both by her rigour and her smiles undone ? 
 *Eax:h way I look, I view my ruin sure ; 
 Fall by the wound, or perish by the cure ! 
 
 CCCXLVI. 
 
 Hoary Apicius, like Sicilia's mount, 
 
 Tho' winter veils its venerable front, 
 
 Tho' its grave head is cover'd o'er with snow, 
 
 Yet labours with incessant fires below. 
 
 CCCXLVH. 
 
 A new Solution to an old Problem. 
 
 'Tis clear, since Brandy kill'd Tom's scolding wife, 
 That drinking rids us of the cares of life. 
 
 CCCXLVIII. 
 
 The Road to Bui?i. 
 
 i. 
 
 Tom's coach and six ! whither in such haste goirtg^ 
 But a short journey — to his own undoing, hiy^tfl) 
 G5 y 
 
120 
 
 CCCXLIX. 
 
 To a Lady, -who turned her cheek to him, when he -went 
 to kiss her. 
 
 Is't for a grace, or is't for some dislike, 
 That, when I'd kiss your lips, you turn your cheek ? 
 Some think this carriage rude in your behaviour, 
 But I should rather think it for a favour. ( j*^* ) 
 For I, to show my kindness and my love, tffljl/ 
 Would leave both lip and cheek, to kiss youJglove : 
 And, with the cause to make you full acquainted, 
 Your glove's perfum'd, your lips and cheeks are. 
 painted. 
 
 CCCL. 
 
 On the Achievement over the Door of '— — 
 
 The coat exactly with his manners suits : 
 How near akin the master and the brutes ! 
 His qualities were ne'er so well exprest ; 
 Wolves his supporters, and a bear his crest 
 
 CCCLI. 
 
 'Cause Charles delights to hear himself, 
 You call him a conceited elf: 
 From censure let his patience clear him ; 
 Who else could ever bear to hear him ? 
 
121 
 
 CCCLII. 
 
 On opening the Distilleries, during a season of peculiar 
 distress. 
 
 Oppressed by taxes, dearth, and debt, 
 The sun of happiness is set ; 
 But ****** to keep from thinking, 
 Bids British spirits flow for drinking* : — 
 First renders life not worth our care,— 
 Then gives us poison 'gainst despair. 
 
 CCCLIII. 
 
 No more, O Rome, thy wrong belief defend ; 
 No more for seven sacraments contend : 
 Each wedded wretch will feelingly proclaim, 
 Penance and Matrimony are the same. 
 
 CCCL1V. 
 
 A chimney -siveep and baker went to fight ; 
 The baker beat the chimney-sweeper white : 
 The chimney-sweep, tho 5 laid upon his back, 
 Took wind, and quickly beat the baker black. 
 In came a brick dust-man, with porter fed, 
 And beat both chimney-sweep and baker red. 
 Thus red, black, -white, in clouds together lay, 
 And none could tell which party had the day. 
 
122 
 
 CCCLV. 
 
 0?i a fine Library, 
 
 With eyes of wonder, the gay shelves behold : 
 Poets, all rags alive, now clad in gold. 
 In life and death, one common fate they share, 
 And on their backs still all their riches wear. 
 
 CCCLVI. 
 
 To a Lady, on seeing her blush. 
 
 Leila, whene'er I gaze on thee, 
 
 My alter'd cheek turns pale, 
 While upon thine, sweet maid, I see 
 
 A deep'ning blush prevail. a 
 
 Leila, shall I the cause impart, 
 Why such a change takes place ? 
 
 The crimson stream deserts my head 
 To mantle on thy face. 
 
 CCCLVH. 
 
 The Miser's Feast. 
 
 His chimney smokes ! it is some omen dire I 
 His neighbours are alarm'd, and cry out fire* 
 
123 
 
 CCCLVIII. 
 
 When quacks, (as quacks may, by good luck, to be 
 
 sure, 
 Blunder out, at hap-hazard, a desperate cure,) 
 In the prints of the day, with due pomp and parade, 
 Case, patient, and doctor, are amply display 'd : 
 All this is quite just — and no mortal can blame it ; 
 If they save a man's life, they've a right to proclaim it ; 
 But there's reason to think they might save more 
 
 lives still, 
 Did they publish a list of the numbers they kill ! 
 
 CCCLIX. 
 
 A Prayer for Poets. 
 
 May every poet long be bless'd with health, 
 And if it please the lady muses — wealth ! 
 But, if too often eating makes them dull ; 
 If none can write well, while the pocket's full ; 
 Their wonted skill ye gentle nine restore ; 
 And let them starve, just as they did before. 
 
 CCCLX. 
 
 The last Test. 
 
 When death puts out our Jlame, the snufwill tell 
 If we were -wax or tajloivy by the smell. 
 
124 
 CCCLX. 
 
 Cupid Mistaken. 
 
 At Laura's feet the God of love 
 
 His arrows and his quiver lays ; 
 Forgets he has a throne above, 
 
 And with this lovely creature stays. 
 Not Venus' beauties are more bright ; 
 
 But each appears so like the other, 
 That Cupid has mistook the right, 
 
 And takes the nymph to be his mother. 
 
 CCCLXI. 
 
 The Inconsistent. 
 
 When I sent you my melons, you cried out with scorn> 
 " They ought to be heavy, and wrinkle </,and yellow :" 
 
 When I offered myself, whom those graces adorn, 
 You flouted, and call'd me an ugly old fellow* 
 
 CCCLXII. 
 
 The Universal Devotion. 
 
 Various religions various tenets hold, 
 But all one God acknowledge— namely gold- 
 
125 
 
 CCCLX1II. 
 
 The Jlge difficult to please. 
 
 How shall we please this age ? if in a song 
 We put above six lines, they count it long- ; 
 If we contract it to an epigram, 
 As deep the dwarfish poetry they damn : 
 If we write plays, few see above an act, 
 And those men -milliners and wits detract. 
 Let us write satires then, and, at our ease, 
 Vex all ill-natur'd fools we cannot please. 
 
 CCCLXIV. 
 
 On Mr. Cork, 
 
 To keep our claret good and fine, 
 Bottles with corks we stop ; 
 
 But here's a Cork, consumes the wine, 
 And drinks it every drop. 
 
 CCCLXV. 
 
 Can you then ask, why 'tis we find 
 The God of Love is painted blind ? 
 Because, dear maid, the only eves 
 Which blooming Cupid e'er could prize, 
 Those eyes of soft cerulean hue, 
 Nature reserved and gave to you. 
 
I?6 
 
 CCCLXVI. 
 
 On a Red-Haired Beauty. 
 
 When nature's pencil drew this piece, 
 
 With so much skill and artifice ; 
 
 She, for its greater worth and fame, 
 
 Thus set it in a golden frame. 
 
 If in these outward parts we find 
 
 Such wealth, what bears her richer mind ? 
 
 CCCLXVII. 
 
 Grace after Dinner at a Miser's Table, 
 
 Thanks for this miracle ! it is no less 
 Than finding* manna in the wilderness. 
 In midst of famine, we have had relief, 
 And seen the wonder of a chine of beef; 
 Chimneys have smok'd, that never smok'd before, 
 And we have din'd — where we shall dine no more. 
 
 CCCLXVIII. 
 
 RECEIPT FOR BAD MEMORIES. 
 
 Omnia promittis, cum tot a node bibisti : 
 Mane nihil prcsstas : Postume, mane bibe. 
 
 You drink all night, and promise much, 
 Your word sit day -break scorning ; 
 
 I would, friend Dick, you'd take a touch 
 At Bacchus in the morning ! 
 
127 
 CCCLX1X. 
 
 To a Lady -with a Basket of Fruit. 
 
 Once of forbidden fruit the mortal taste 
 
 Changed beauteous Eden to a dreary waste, 
 
 Here you may freely eat, secure the while 
 
 From latent poison, or insidious guile. 
 
 Yet O could I but happily infuse 
 
 Some secret charm into the sav'ry juice, 
 
 Of power to tempt your gentle breast to share 
 
 With me the peaceful cot and rural fare ; 
 
 A difPrent fate shall crown the blest device, 
 
 And change my desert to a paradise ! 
 
 CCCLXX. 
 
 "How sleepy your coat is," says old Jerry Day. 
 " My coat sleepy, good fellow ! — d'ye know what 
 
 you say ?" /j-jpy 
 " Yes, I do well enouSh ; for your coat is so old, 
 And so threadbare, 'twill scarcely defend you from 
 
 cold. 
 And sleepy it must be, when (hear, who have 
 | ears) 
 
 It has wanted a nap for these last seven years." 
 
128 
 
 CCCLXXT. 
 
 Mutatis Mutandis. 
 
 When painters or sculptors give Justice a face, 
 On her eyes a broad bandage, to blind her, they place 
 But, methinks, with all proper respect to the law, 
 She might judge so much better, the better she saw. 
 Tie her hands, if you please ; and I care not how much . 
 She may look where she will — so you don't let her 
 touch. 
 
 CCCLXXII. 
 
 Repentance. 
 
 5 Tis not to cry out mercy, or to sit 
 
 And droop, or to confess that thou hast fail'd ; 
 'Tis to bewail the sins thou didst commit, 
 
 And not commit those sins thou hast bewaiPd : 
 He that bewails, and not forsakes them too, 
 Confesses rather what he means to do, 
 
 cccLxxni. 
 
 On two Young Ladies ironing their Linen. 
 
 Were but your hearts, as are your heaters, warm, 
 Your kindness then would, like your beauty, charm : 
 But you are ice, your lovers all on fire ; vit^XT]] 
 You, strong aversion ; they, all o'er desire .y 
 Make but a compound, and you'll well agrete i 
 The ice will melt, the fire less furious be. 
 
129 
 
 CCCLXXIV. 
 
 On Thomas More. 
 
 A poetical tourist satirically lies, 
 
 "Dogs and parti zans only saluted his eyes :" 
 
 Had his vision been brighter, he'd certainly swore. 
 
 While he was in Norfolk,there was one puppy More, 
 
 CCCLXXV. 
 
 The handsome Lindor, young and gay, 
 Married Acantha t'other day : 
 She's sordid, ugly, peevish, proud, 
 Disgusting, insolent, and loud. 
 Strange man !— yet e'en her enemies 
 Must grant her two good qualities :— - 
 She's more than seventy summers old y 
 And has ten thousand pounds in gold, 
 
 CCCLXXVI. | 
 
 George, closely dunn'd for money due, i 
 At once his lack of cash betray'd : 
 
 "I'll make you find it, Sir !"— * Ah do ; ; ^A 
 And you shall be the first that's paid.'-'V^ \ 
 
 CCCLXXVII. 
 
 " Behold an honest man," said Clyde, 
 
 Pointing to where Lothario sat ; 
 "These are the times£* hi $. friend replied, 
 
 " When honest men are pointed at" 
 H 
 
130 
 
 ccclxxviii. 
 
 On the Repeal of the Excise Laws. 
 
 Wise Mammouth, in the chair of state. 
 
 By slanders foul obtain'd, 
 How he should keep it, held debate, 
 
 By the same arts 'twas gain'd. 
 
 He pass'd his forces in review, 
 Smith, Cheetham, Jones, Duane — 
 
 " Dull rascals — they will never do," 
 Quoth he— "I'll send for Paine/' 
 
 Then, from his darling den in Fr% 
 To tempt the wretch to come, 
 
 He made Tom's brain with flatt'ry Sance., 
 And took the tax from rum. 
 
 CCCLXX1X. ' 
 Epitaph* 
 
 Here lies the mouldering dust of one, 
 Whose character these lines will tell ; 
 
 The good he did was badly done ; 
 The bad he did was done too -well. 
 
 CCCLXXX. 
 
 What better reasons can you guess 
 Why men are poor, and ladies thinner, 
 
 But thousands now for dinner dress, 
 Till nothing's left to dress for dinner P} 
 
131 
 
 CCCLXXXI. 
 
 Epitaph. 
 
 Here lays mine wife, Got thanked be ; 
 She always used to scholt at me : 
 Chentle reader, quit the sodt, 
 Or she will scholt at you, by i 
 
 t me : 
 
 CCCLXXXII. 
 
 On a Person of remarkable taciturnity. 
 
 Exceptions lie to every rule ; 
 
 But here conflicting' doubts arise : 
 
 If thou art wise, thou'rt much a fool ; 
 
 A * But if a fool, thou'rt wondrous wise, 
 t g% 
 
 CCCLXXXIII. 
 
 A lady, reading Damon's sonnet, 
 
 Made this dire resolution on it — 
 
 " In vain, in vain, is all you've said, 
 
 " For I'm resolv'd to die a maid :" lA* 
 
 But this on window-glass she wrote, 
 
 To which has been attach'd a note— 
 
 " The lady, who this resolution took, 
 
 ff Wrote it on glass, to show it might be broke" 
 
 CCCLXXXIV. 
 A neat Pun. 
 Though Mira's cheek love's native hue discloses, 
 I like her t-wo lips better than her roses, !vji» 
 H2 
 
132 
 
 CCCLXXXV. 
 
 As blooming Harriet moved along, 
 
 The fairest of the beauteous throng, 
 
 The beaux gazed on with admiration, 
 
 AvowM b\ l many an exclamation — 
 
 What form ! what naivete 4 ! what grace \ 
 
 What roses deck that Grecian face ! 
 
 cc Nay," Dash wood cries, "that bloom's not Harriet's, 
 
 'Twas bought at Reynolds', Moore*s, or Marriott's; 
 
 And though you vow her face untainted, 
 
 I swear, by God, your beauty's painted.' 3 
 
 A wager instantly was laid, 
 
 And Ranger sought the lovely maid ; 
 
 The pending bet he soon reveal'd, 
 
 Nor e'en the impious oath conceal'd. 
 
 Confused-^her cheek bore witness true ;A 
 
 By turns the roses came and flew. 
 
 " Your bet," she said, " is rudely odd— ■ 
 
 But I am painted, Sir — by God." 
 
 CCCLXXXVI. 
 
 Lines -worked on a Hearth Rug. 
 
 Fair one, take heed how you advance, 
 Nor trust your own undoing ; It * 
 
 If you're too forward (fearful chancftuj 
 & spark may prove your ruin, 
 
CCCLXXXVII. 
 
 When Joe was poor as poor as poor could be,, 
 Drunk as a beggar still was be ; 
 Espousing then a wealthy dame, 
 Sudden a fortune to him came : 
 To drink, he now could well afford, 
 And daily got drunk as a lord. 
 
 CCCLXXXVIII. 
 
 On the Marriage of Mr. Wild to Miss Joy. 
 
 First courtship, Wild with Joy ecstatic 
 The brightened hours of youth beguil 
 
 Then marriage snatch'd the Joy emphatic, 
 And left the parties doubly Wild 
 
 CCCLXXX1X. 
 
 On the same. 
 
 As Harriet, in the dance's maze, 
 
 Like Venus mov'd, like Venus smil'd, 
 
 Her brilliant charms, like Orpheus' lays, 
 Polish'd the rough, and tanCd the Wild. 
 
 Our bliss tiow" soon the Fates destroy ! 
 
 She, who iwith Joy all hearts beguil'd, 
 herself has bid farewell to Joy, 
 
 And Harriet, now, is downright Wild! 
 «3 
 
 LtlfV 
 
134 
 
 cccxc. 
 
 On the Marriage of Mr. Eaton fo Jlfiss Paine. 
 
 Dire Fates ! to give a lady Paine, 
 Thus to be Eaton ere she's slain $ 
 
 CCCXCI. 
 
 On the Marriage of Mr. Gray to Miss Clay 
 
 "Of dust thou art, (so man was curst) 
 
 " And thou again shalt turn to dust." 
 
 William, the mandate to obey, 
 
 Though not to dust, has turn'd to Clay ; 
 
 And Mary (strange ! — 'tis yet a truth) [i*(\ft) 
 
 Has turn'd quite Gray in bloom of youth. i» 
 
 CCCXCII. 
 
 On the Marriage of Mr. Batchelder to Miss 
 
 MlJCHMORE. 
 
 Tis thus that Hymen cracks his joke ; 
 
 A hoax, a quiz, a bore ! 
 The bridegroom's still a " Batchelder ,fl ^y^ 
 
 The bride is not " Much-more" )r 
 
 CCCXCIII. 
 
 Some women are like books, whose outward show 
 Of red and gold attracts the learned beau : 
 Within are found no characters imprest : ft I 
 'Tis blotted paper; or quite blank, at besU 
 
13,5 
 
 CCCXCIV. 
 
 J'avouerai sans peine ayec vous , ^J\ 
 Que tous les poetes sont fous, tffff D 
 Mais sachant bien ce que vous etes ? 
 Tous les fous ne sont pas poetes. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Sir, I admit your general rule, 
 That every poet is a fool : 
 But you yourself may serve to show it, 
 ^TVThat every fool is not a poet. 
 
 cccxcv. 
 
 Sylla declares the world shall know, 
 That he's my most determin'd foe. — 
 1 wish him -wide the tale to spread ; 
 For all that I from Sylla dread, 
 Is, lest the knave to serve some end, 
 Should one day swear, that he's my friend. 
 
 CCCXCVI. 
 
 While on the cliff with calm delight she kneels, 
 And the blue vales a thousand joys recaU 
 
 See, to the last, last verge her infant steals ! 
 O fly— yet stir not, speak not, lest it fall ! 
 
 Far better taught, she lays her bosom bare, 
 
 And the fond boy springs back to nestle theye 
 H 4 J 
 
136 
 
 CCCXCVIT. 
 
 Le Moyen de vivre long terns. 
 
 Comme vous portez-vous, Monsieur de Pezenas ? 
 En verity les enfans d'Hyppocrate 
 A vos depens ne s'enrichiront pas. 
 ^-Kon, Monsu, je" les nargue, et tres-fort, je 1 m'en 
 flatte : 
 J'ai des moyens^ a moi particuliers, 
 Pour me garer de mal-encombre. a 
 —Comment ? — Le fait est clair : j'ai trente v reancte 
 Qui font pour ma sante des prieres sans no 
 Je vivrai des siecles entiers. 
 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Dear Harry ! each revolving day 
 
 Adds to your spirits and your health ; 
 
 The cheated doctors cannot say, 
 
 At your expe:«se they have their wealth. 
 
 " Why yes ; I think I have an art j 
 A secret that is known to few ; 
 
 And, as a friend, I'll now impart 
 The grand catholicon to you. 
 
 (t I've more than thirty creditors, 
 
 Who, anxious for their darling wealthy 
 
 Unceasing, weary Heaven vvith prayers 
 To grant me length of life and health." 
 
137 
 
 CCCXCVIIT. 
 
 N'exigez point que votre Amante 
 Daigne jurer d'etre constante ; 
 Ce serment, qu'on trouve si doux, 
 Profane un nceud comme le notre ; 
 Quiconque aura du gout pour vous, 
 N'en aura jamais pour un autre. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Ask not, dear Jack, the girl you love 
 To swear she'll always constant prove : 
 This oath, which others may desire, 
 'Tis quite superfluous to require ;_ 
 For she, whose passion you can move, 
 I'll swear, will ne'er another love. 
 
 J 
 CCCXCIX. 
 
 p 
 
 Si vous voulez savoir votre bonne aventure, 
 
 'A Camdie ayez recours, 
 Qui voit*<Jans un miroir le Diable to\is lesMOurs\ , 
 Quand elle arrange sa coeffure. Vv\J \\^ yV ^ 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Would you your future fortune know, 
 Consult no witch — to Martha go ; 
 Each morn, when standing at her glass, 
 The devil stares her in the face. 
 H5 
 
138 
 
 cccc. 
 
 La Fille raisonnable. 
 
 Notre cure crie et s'emporte, 
 II me defend d'aimer Lubin ! 
 II me dit d'aimer mon prochain, 1 
 Et Lubin demeure a ma porte. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 *m 
 
 Papa, who says the precept given— 
 
 To love my neighbour — came from Heaven, 
 
 Flatly forbids my loving more 
 
 The gentle, modest Theodore : 
 
 Yet he's my neighbour — or I've none ;-*• 
 
 For his estate adjoins our own. 
 
 ccccr. 
 
 La fille qui cause nos pleurs, 
 
 Est morte des pales couleurs, 
 
 Au plu 
 
 Pauvre ! 
 
 De mouri 
 
 Donti 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Of one complaint how many die 1 
 For healing aid how many sigh ! 
 Alas, ye fair, how hard your fate is, 
 To die, when we would cure you gratis f 
 
 
*t 
 
 139 
 
 ecccu. 
 
 Lorsque vous paroissez, Clitie, 
 En habit d'homme travestie, 
 Vous avez l'air si seducteur, 
 jgu'il n'en est point, sur ma parole, 
 
 ,ui ne vous oftilt de bon coeur 
 Ce qui yous manque pour ce role. 
 
 Translation. 
 To a Lady dressed in Men's Clothes. 
 
 IklwUi 
 
 Clarissa, you so lovely show, 
 Drest in the habit of a beau, 
 That I would give, with all my heart, 
 What you're deficient in the part. 
 
 CCCC1II. 
 
 Malgre Rome et ses adherens, 
 Ne comptons que six sacremens : 
 IJJpur en admettre davantage, . 
 
 fc\aut n'avoir pas le sens communj 
 
 "Car penitence et mariage, 
 Suivant mon avis, n'en font qu'un. 
 
 Translation*. 
 
 The church ©f Rome (alone inspir'd by Heaven) 
 Of holy sacraments embraces seven; 
 And yet she makes but six, when all is done ; 
 For marriage and repentance are but one. 
 
140 
 
 CCCCIV. 
 
 Le manage est im melon 
 
 Qu'il faut gouter dans sa saison : 
 
 Trop mur, il ne vaut pas le diable,( 
 
 Trop verd, il ne vaut rien non plus i tfm \\/ 
 
 II faut un milieu convenable : 
 
 In medio jacet virtus. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Love is a fruit, that, to be sweet, 
 In season must be always eat : 
 Too green, to pluck it is a sin ; 
 Too ripe, it is not worth a pin : 
 A middle course will never hurt us— » 
 In medio jacet virtus. 
 
 ccccv. 
 
 Que ta voix divine me touche ? 
 
 Et que je serois fortune, 
 Si je pouvois rendre a ta bouche 
 
 Le plaisir qu'elle m'a domie ! 
 
 Translation. 
 
 , If Til 
 
 The thrilling music of your voice 
 
 Transports my ravish'd soul to heaven : 
 
 O could I on those lips return 
 The pleasure they to me have given ! 
 
141 
 
 CCCCVI. 
 
 Un jour Climene, au mal d'enfant, 
 
 Crioit a pleine tete, 
 Et son mari, triste et dolent, 
 
 Pleurpit comme une bete. 
 Toulfbeau, tout beau, ne pleurez pas, 
 
 Pit la fine Climene ; 
 Car, par ma foi, vousj^etes pas 
 
 La £ajaj^j^ ma-pe ine. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 Clarissa, in her pangs, complains and cries, 
 (While pitying tears bedew her husband's eyes) 
 " Grieve not for me ; those flowing tears restrain ; 
 " It jsnot you, my dear, who cause my pain." 
 
 In * 
 
 CCCCVII. 
 
 r ?i the Greek manner. 
 
 What charms adorn the blushing rose, 
 p 4 * Tnat opes its bosom to the day ! 
 'How*bright the gems its leaves disclose, 
 That sparkle in the orient ray ! 
 
 Superiour charms, superiour grace,*' 
 In lovely Emma are combined : 
 
 The rose but emulates her face ; 
 Its dewy gems her purer mind. 
 
142 
 
 CCCCVIH. 
 
 ton oncle, dis tu, l'assassin, 
 
 M'a gueVi d'une maladie' : 
 I»a prcuve qu'il ne fut jamais mon m^diciiij 
 
 C'est que je suis encore en vie. 
 
 TRANSLATION. 
 
 To a Physician. 
 
 r 
 
 You say you physick'd me/~when lately ill : 
 To prove you did not, I am living still. 
 
 CCCCIX. 
 
 (Fro?n the Greek.) 
 
 Blest with happiness is he, 
 Whose lot it is to gaze on thee ; 
 More blest is he, and happier far, 
 Whom thou permitt'st thy voice to hcarfe 
 He is a demi-god in bliss, 
 Whose glowing lips obtain a kiss / 
 But he who clasps thee in his arms-~> 
 A god it is enjoys thy charms !* 
 
 * Qui te videt beatus est ; 
 Beator qui te uudiet ; 
 Qui basiat semi-deus est j 
 Qui te potitur est dens I 
 
•V s 
 
 143 
 
 ccccx. 
 
 Sur une Vieille Devote. 
 
 A quinze ans, le demon la prit & son service, 
 Elle a sous ses drap&aux doublement combattu ; 
 
 Jeune, elle eut 1'art de faire aimer le vice^-v 
 
 Vieille, elle fait detester la vertu 
 
 I 4 Translation. 
 
 t t 
 When Sal had beauty to entice, 
 
 She made us then in love with vice ; 
 
 But now (turn'd devotee of late) 
 
 What's worse, she makes us virtue hate, 
 
 CCCCXI. 
 
 The amorous parson, with becoming" passion, 
 
 Censures, at church, the sin of fornication : 
 
 f ( Why," asks his friend, " do you such lessons teach, 
 
 Who practise the reverse of what you preach 
 
 ■* Psha !" he replies, " these precepts we advanc 
 
 That you and / may have the better chance" 
 
 CCCCXII. 
 
 is teach, 
 idvance, 
 
 Light is a feather ; dust is lighter still ; 
 
 Than dust, still lighter is the veering wind;r \ 
 Lighter than wind is woman's fickle will ; ! I }\\ 
 
 And nothing's lighter than a woman's mind.* 
 
 Quid levins pluma ? pulvus ; quid pulvere ? ventus ? 
 Quidvento? mulicr; quidmuliere? nihil, 
 
144 
 CCCCXIII. 
 
 Quand Moi'se fit defense 
 D'aimer la femme d'autrui, 
 
 II donna pour recoifcpense 
 Deux femmes a chaque mari. 
 < T ^, A present qu'on n'en a qu'une, 
 
 Blonde, quand on la veut brune, 
 
 Eh quoi ! n'est-il pas perriris 
 
 D'aimer la femme d'autrui ? 
 
 Translation. 
 
 When Moses, in the Jewish law, 
 Forbade to love another's wife, 
 
 In lieu thereof he gave him twa, 
 To smooth the rugged road of life. 
 
 But now, when we're allow'd but ane, 
 
 Does this restriction still remain ? 
 K l If the condition be destroy'd, 
 
 Is not the obligation void ? 
 
 CCCCXIV. 
 
 George, as he idly saunter'd down the street, 
 Saw written on a door — A room to let : 
 *He knocks — and while a fair one shows the roo: 
 With Venus' form, and Hebe's youthful bloom, 
 Asks, "Can I hire youivith it, fair unknown ?" 
 €< No" she replies :— " I'm to be let— alone." 
 
 % 
 
145 
 
 ccccxv. 
 
 A Lady to her Lover, -whose name was Not 
 
 Why urge, dear sir, a bashful maid 
 
 To change her single lot ? 
 When well you know, I've often said., 
 
 In truth, I love you, Not 
 
 m 
 
 For all your pain, I do, Not, carej 
 
 And trust me, on my life, 
 Thfcgh you had millions, I declare, 
 '/"f^ Wfrould, Not, be your wife. 
 
 CCCCXVI. 
 
 As Florio once, with praise of Garrick fired, 
 Th' electrick lustre of his eye admired ; / 
 
 Declared, no mortal language e'er express'd !(j 
 Its magick power to storm the human breasti/Al 
 While he the poverty of words deplor'd, //» 
 At length exclaim'd, 'Ttvould penetrate a boaifl. 
 " Aye ! now (cries Frank) your meaning I descry , 
 " You would observe, he has a gimblet eye ! 
 
 CCCCXVII. 
 
 fclJoira\|his feet with flannel bound, 
 *<?jued as the glass went briskly round 
 " Jack, you drink more than I, 'tis true 
 But J drink with a greater goto :" 
 Jack quick replied, " There is no doubt 
 You drink your wine with greater gout*' 
 
i46 
 
 ccccxvin. 
 
 De tes enfans tu te crois pere fc 
 Colin, tu fais bien, selon moi : 
 Le mariage est un mystere 
 Qui demande beaucoup de foi. 
 
 ^ Translation. 
 
 Jack fondly owns his infant son, 
 Nor doubts whate'er my lady saith 
 
 Marriage's a inystery, I own, 
 
 That does require a deal of faith. 
 
 CCCCXIX. 
 
 
 La prude Alix disoit a l'ivrogne Gregoire : 
 
 Je suis veuve, & sur raon honneur ! 
 Jamais besoin d'amour n'a trouble ma memoire, 
 
 Je le crois bien, dit le ruse Buveur ! 
 Et moi, je n'ai jamais senti celui de boire. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 " 'Tis now," said Myra, " twice three years 
 Since first I shed a widow's tears ; jT "^ 
 
 Yet#sinee the hour my husband died 
 I've never for another sighM.*'- 
 Q toth drunken Jack, " 'Tis more than ni; 
 Since I have sigh d for want of wine" 
 
 END, 
 
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