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 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 
 
"Paradise Flats," 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts, 
 
 HUBBARD TAYLOR-SMITH, 
 
 Author of 
 
 The Lottery Ticket;" "New Year's Reception. 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1889, 
 — BY — 
 
 HUBBARD TAYLOR-SMITH. 
 
 All Bights Reserved. 
 
 BYRON S. ADAMS, PRINTER. 
 
44 
 
 Paradise Flats," 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts, 
 
 HUBBARD TAYLOR-SMITH 
 
 Author of 
 
 " The Lottery Ticket;" "New Year's Reception.' 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1889, 
 
 — BY— 
 
 HUBBARD TAYLOR-SMITH. 
 
 All Rights Reserved. 
 
 WASHINGTON, I>. C. 'V I > "\ \bS' 
 
 BYRON S. ADAMS, PRINTER, ^-^ J ^" J?<-"'1 
 
 514 EIGHJ . ■ 'REET. 
 
a 2 ' 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Miss JANE MEREDITH, a spinster. 
 
 FANNIE MEREDITH, Miss Jane's niece. 
 
 CLARA BOSWELL, \ „ . , , . , 
 SUSIE JONES, '} Fannies friends. 
 
 Mr. LARRY SINGLETON, an old batchelor. 
 
 HERBERT SINGLETON, Mr Larry's nephew, in love with 
 
 Fannie. 
 CHARLIE STACEY, in love with Susie. 
 ROB BENNINGS, in love with Clara. 
 CHINA, presiding angel of Paradise Flats. 
 
 Scenery. — Hallway and Parlor of Paradise Flats. 
 
 Time.— The Present, 
 
 TMP96-0C6757 
 
©ai^adise Flats. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Scene. — Parlor and Hallway of Paradise Flats. Curtain rises discovering 
 China setting room to rights. She is singing a plantation melody. 
 
 China. Deed and deed, dem young geramen is gitting wus- 
 ser and wusser ebery day of deir libes. Young Mister Herbert 
 is not so bad, but Mister Charlie and Mr. Rob, dey is the 
 debbil's own chillum to muss tings up. No matter how nice I 
 fixes dis yar house, dem young men is not in de place five 
 minutes before it looks like it was struck by a cycloone, an' 
 I darsent say a word. But law sukes, I can't stan' here 
 talkin all day. Miss Jane Meredith's comin' hyar with de 
 young ladies dis afternoon, fer to dine, and Mr. Herbert told 
 me if dere was a speck ob dust or dirt about de place as big 
 as a pin point, dere would be blud on de moon, an' it wouldnt 
 be hisn. Lan', Ian', Ian', talk about woman's work a nebber 
 gittin' done. Heres nearly four o'clock, Mister Herbert's white 
 wescott to iron, and Mister Rob's collar to do ober, not enough 
 starch in it, and de up stairs to dust, and lan' knows what, be- 
 sides watchin' de dinner. (Takes an umbrella and a pair of 
 overshoes from top of piano and holds them up.) Now, just look 
 at dat. Some of Mister Rob's doin'. (Carries them out into 
 the hall and puts umbrella in stand and shoes along side the hat 
 rack.) 
 
 (Enter Rob from street door, overcoat, hat and gloves on.) 
 
 Rob. For heaven's sake, China, haven't you finished cleaning 
 
 up. You are slower than the seven year itch. (Throws gloves 
 
 on sofa.) The fellows will all be in in a minute (puts hat on 
 
 piano), and we hav'n't any time to spare. (Looks at watch.) 
 
Pour fifteen, just an hour and three-quarters in which to 
 dress and get ready for the folks. Did those flowers come? 
 (Throws overcoat on chair.) 
 
 China. Yaas, sir. 
 
 Rob. Well, I'm going up to dress. Tell the fellows to shake 
 it up when tliey come. Tempus fugit, and so do I. (Exit 
 thro' hall and up stairs, singing, as he goes.) 
 
 China. (Pouncing on hat, coat and gloves.) Now just look 
 at that, and den blowin' me up for bein' slow and callin' me a 
 seven year itch. Deed dis nigger's life is a hard one. (Car- 
 ries things out to hat rack and hangs them up, putting gloves in 
 pocket of overcoat.) 
 
 (Enter Charlie from street; hat, overcoat and gloves on.) 
 
 Charlie. Holy smoke ! Woman, I left you this morning 
 at 9 o'clock cleaning up and here you are still at it. at half- 
 past four. (Throws overcoat on table in parlor, cane on sofa, 
 and, hat on piano.) You are getting lazy. Any of the fellows in ? 
 
 China. Mister Rob has just dun come in. 
 
 Charlie. (Calling.) Ah there! Robbie, me boy? 
 
 Rob ( Up stairs, calling.) Stay there, Charlie, me che-ile. 
 
 Charlie. Well, I've got to hustle to get ready for the folks. 
 Tell Mr. Herbert, when he comes in, that he will have to stir 
 his stumps. (Exit through hall and up stairs.) 
 
 China. (Looks despairingly at coat, hat, and gloves for an 
 instant, and then viciously pounces on them and carries them to 
 hat rack as before.) 
 
 (Enter Herbert in great hurry, overcoat, hat and gloves on ; 
 looks at wcdch.) 
 
 Herbert. Groat guns; a quarter to five and the folks 
 coming at six. (Throws hat, ovcrco<d, gloves and cane anywhere 
 and everywhere.) Just my confounded luck. Always have to 
 dress in a hurry. (Commences to undress as he leaves theroom 
 and conl in ucs until he has reached the top of the stairs and dis- 
 appeared.) 
 
 China. Dats de business end of dc cycloone. (Picks up 
 
5 
 
 things as before and carries them to hall.) Dem young gemraen 
 will kill dis nigger yet. 
 
 Rob. (Coming to head of stairs in shiii sleeves, drying his 
 face on a towel.) China, where the devil is my high collar ? 
 You promised to have it ironed and in my room by the time I 
 got home. 
 
 China. I'll do it right away Mister Rob. It will only take 
 me a minute, sir, an' — 
 
 Charlie. (Appearing at head of stairs, minus coed and vest.) 
 China, where is my white wescott ? 
 
 China. I'se gwiiie to do it right away, Mr. Charlie, an — 
 
 Herbert. (Calling from over banisters.) China, where the 
 Sam Hill are my clean shirts ? 
 
 China. Dey's in your bureau draw. 
 
 p ' I There's blud on the moon, nigger, an' it aint 
 
 TT ' ( ourn. 
 
 Herbert. ) 
 
 (Exit up stairs.) 
 
 China. (Scornfidly.) Blud on de moon is dere. Yaas, 
 dere'll be asnic in your soup some of dese days if you don't 
 stop worritin me. (Ring at door bell. China starts for door.) 
 
 Rob. (From head of stairs.) China? If that's a bill for me, 
 I've gone out of town and won't be back again for a year. 
 
 China. Yaas, sir. 
 
 Charlie. (From head of stairs) China, nobody is at home. 
 You understand. 
 
 China. Yaas, sir. 
 
 Herbert. (From top of stairs) China, if that's the butter- 
 man tell him we had to chain his last lot to the table. 
 
 China. Yaas, sir. (Ring cd door bell) Yaas I'se comin. 
 Better pull dat bell hanel off an' be done with it. (Opens door 
 discovering Mr. Larry Singleton, vedise in hand.) 
 
 China. (Taking him for a pcdler) Don't want no Sapolio, 
 silver polish, sewin' machine provements, books, or knife 
 sharpeners. Don't want nuffin (starts to shut door). 
 
 Uncle Larry. Hold on, hold on, woman. "What do you 
 take me for ? 
 
6 
 
 China. Whose you calling woman, man ? What you want ? 
 You book agents is so sassy. 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Laughing) Book agent. Lord bless us, 
 that's a good one on me. I'm no book agent. 
 
 China. Well, you'se a sewin machine man, an' dats wuss. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Well, I should say so. But, my dusky 
 princess, I'm neither the one nor the other. Is this the domicile 
 known as Paradise Flats ? 
 
 China. It are. 
 
 Uncle Larry. It are, eh. And does Mr. Herbert Single- 
 ton live here ? 
 
 China. He do. 
 
 Uncle Larry. And is that gentleman at home ? 
 
 China. Who is you ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. Why do you ask ? 
 
 China. Cos' if you'se a man with a bill, he is out of town 
 for a year. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Oh ! ho ! I see. Well I don't happen to 
 be a man with a bill. I am Mr. Herbert's Uncle Larry, and if 
 you have no objections I wish you would inform him of the 
 fact that I am about the premises. So fly, Queen Kapiolani 
 and do me bidding. 
 
 China. (Goes to hall door and locks it.) Dat uncle business 
 may be all right, but if dem overcoats is gone when I comes 
 back dar'll be blood on de moon for shuah. (Puts key in her 
 pocket and exits up stairs.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Looking around as he takes off his gloves.) 
 So this is Paradise Flats. Well, I must confess it is not such 
 a misnomer after all. The boys have shown decidedly good 
 taste in fitting up the place, but I suspect some fair hands had 
 the general management of arranging things. This little parlor 
 looks as dainty as a young lady's boudoir. All the more so 
 after my lonely life in the mining districts. 
 
 (Enter Herbert, hastily, hands outstretched in icelcome. He is 
 in full dress). 
 
Herbert. Why ray dear Uncle Larry. This is a jolly 
 surprise. 
 
 (Shakes hands cordially). 
 
 Uncle Larry. Can this be my nephew Herbert ? 
 
 Herbert. Well, it just is. Remember it has been fifteen 
 years since you saw me and I guess I've changed a little in that 
 time. 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Still holding Herbert's hands.) Well, well, 
 it beats all. Let me get a good look at you. (Takes him by 
 the sholders and looks him over.) Yes, yes, it is you. You 
 have your mother's eyes and mouth and the same soft brown 
 hair. Dear me. Who would have thought of you having 
 grown up in such a short time, from a little freckle face rascal 
 of ten into a handsome young man, and yet fifteen years is a 
 long time. Didn't you expect me, my boy ? 
 
 Herbert. Oh yes, of course, I received your letter, but you 
 named no definite time and although we were on the lookout 
 for you, we didn't expect you until next week. 
 
 Uncle Larry. But what is the meaning of all this gor- 
 geousness, swallow tail and all ? 
 
 Herbert. Oh yes, of course. In the pleasure of seeing you 
 it quite slipped my mind. You are just in time. You see 
 Fannie Meredith, Susie Jones and Clara Boswell, three very 
 particular friends of ours, have been crazy to get a glimpse of 
 the interior of Paradise Flats, and to gratify them we give a 
 little dinner party in their honor, and they are coming this 
 evening at six, ( Uncle Larry makes a grab for his valise). Here, 
 here, none of that, my respected Uncle. 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Expostulating.) Yes, my dear boy, but — 
 
 Herbert. ( Taking valise away from him.) Don't "dear boy" 
 me. The very idea. 
 
 Uncle Larry. But Bert, I'm not prepared to meet any 
 ladies, I'm — 
 
 Herbert. Nonsense. You'll just even up our party. You 
 can lake care of the chaperone, Miss Jane Meredith. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Miss Jane Meredith ? 
 
8 
 
 Herbert. Yes, Fannie's aunt, you know, she's coming to 
 play propriety. 
 
 Uncle Larry. You don't mean Cy. Meredith's sister? 
 
 Herbert. The very same. Why, look here, Uncle Larry, 
 it seems to me I remember something about your having been 
 spoons on her when you were a youngster. By George, how 
 jolly, you wont be a stranger at all. The girls all know you. 
 They ought to. I've spouted Uncle Larry until they know 
 you from a to izzard. Here come the fellows, I'll just make 
 you acquainted, then rush you up stairs where .you can tidy up a 
 bit and by that time the folks will have come. (Enter Bob. and, 
 Charlie.) Uncle Larry, I want you to know my chums, 
 Charlie Stacey and Rob. Bennings, two of Heaven's own chil- 
 dren. Fellows, this is the Uncle Larry you have heard me 
 speak of so often. ( Uncle Larry shakes hands cordially with 
 Rob. and Charlie.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. Glad to know you, young men. Herbert's 
 friends are all mine. 
 
 Rob. Ah ! we know you quite well, Uncle Larry — I really beg 
 your pardon — Mr. Singleton, I mean. Bert, you are re- 
 sponsible for that slip. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Let it be Uncle Larry, my boy. Birds of 
 a feather flock together, and if you are chums of my boy, I am 
 quite willing to Uncle you both. 
 
 Charlie. And we are more than willing to be adopted by 
 any of Bert's relatives, Mr. Singleton. 
 
 Herert. Well, Uncle Larry, I don't want to hurry you, 
 but you won't have any too much time to dress before dinner 
 So come along (picks up valise, starts into hall and up stairs, 
 Uncle Larry following.) 
 
 Rob. (Throwing himself on sofa.) So that is " Uncle Larry." 
 Fine looking old chappie, ain't he ? 
 
 Charlie. Yes, and has a barrel of money they say. Struck 
 it rich in the mines. 
 
 Rob. (Mournfully) I wish I could strike it rich somewhere. 
 
 Charlie. So do I, but there's precious little prospect, unless 
 
we hit the Louisiana State Lottery. Got a ticket this month ? 
 
 Rob. Oh, yes, as usual. Why ! last month I built a house, 
 bought a brougham and pair, set up a tiger in livery and all on 
 the prospect of getting the capital prize. 
 
 Chaelie. And your ticket drew — 
 
 Rob. As usual, a blank. But I had lots of fun building air 
 castles all the same, so I don't begrudge the money. 
 
 Charlie. [Looking at watch.) Quarter of, just time to blow 
 a cloud. Have one goffers Eob a cigarette which he takes and 
 lights). 
 
 Rob. I thought you had sworn off. 
 
 Chaelie. Now that's funny. I was just about to make the 
 same remark regarding you. (They look at each other for an 
 instant and then laugh.) 
 
 Chaelie. Well we won't count this once. But I say, Rob, 
 what made you swear off. Dosen't Miss Clara like cigarette 
 smoke ? 
 
 Rob. (Innocently.) Miss Clara who ? 
 
 Chaelie. Oh bless his innocent heart. Why Clara Bos- 
 well of course. 
 
 Rob. I'd like to know what she has to do with my smoking. 
 
 Chaelie. You would, my precious innocent. Well, I got 
 it from pretty good authority that you and the fair Clara were 
 thinking seriously of surprising your friends by a wedding in 
 the near future, and if that is so, Miss Clara may be acounta- 
 ble for a good many little changes for the better in your habits 
 of late. 
 
 Rob. (Brusquely.) The devil she may. I wish to goodness 
 people would leave me and my affairs alone. Confound it. A 
 fellow can't look at a girl now-a-days, but that all the long- 
 tongued busy bodies commence to make arrangements for an 
 early wedding. 
 
 Charlie. Then it is not true that you are engaged to her. 
 
 Rob. Stuff. As much truth in the assertion that — 
 
 Chaelie. What? 
 
 Rob. That you are engaged to Susie Brown. (Charlie starts. 
 
10 
 
 Aside.) I guess I hit home that time. 
 
 Charlie. You don't mean to insinuate that people say that 
 of me. 
 
 Rob. I certainly do, and what is more, you have given them 
 plenty of grounds fordoing so. Oh, you needn't look so black. 
 You danced every other set with her at the Gushington's blow 
 out la^t week, and every time she danced with some body else, 
 you stood off in a corner to yourself and sulked. 
 
 Charlie. The deuce I did. (Aside.) By Jove, I must be 
 more careful in the future. 
 
 Rob. Well, I suppose congratulations are in order. 
 
 Charlie. Congratulations be hanged. I wish people would 
 stop talking of my affairs and attend to their own, confound 
 them. 
 
 Rob. Then you deny the soft impeachment. 
 
 Charlie. Of course I do. 
 
 Rob. Then we are even. But say, now that we have confided 
 in each other, what do you think of Herbert's little affair with 
 Fannie Meredith ? 
 
 Charlie. I don't know, I'm a little bit suspicious of that 
 couple. He's awfully gone on her, and if one can judge from 
 the embroidered slippers, mantel covers, handkerchief cases, 
 umbrella holders, etc., etc., that adorn his room, somebody is 
 very much spoons on him, and that somebody is — 
 
 Rob. Fannie Meredith, of course, for he won't look at another 
 girl. He is a sly dog and will bear watching, but — hush — 
 here he comes. (Enter Uncle Larry and Herbert.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Talking as he coders.) Well, whoever 
 thought of it conceived a most brilliant idea. The house is 
 a perfect little gem. (To Rob and Charlie) I have just been 
 telling Bert, how much I admire your quarters. Why they 
 are dainty enough for the most exacting young lady. And 
 Herbert tells me that the entire place, house, furnishing, and 
 everything, falls to the one who marries first. A capital idea. 
 Just the place for a young married couple. I'm afraid two of 
 you will have to move pretty soon, Eh boys ? 
 
11 
 
 Herbert. Oh, bless you, no. We are all confirmed bache- 
 lors. 
 
 Rob. Yes, I, for one, am too desperately fond of the fair sex 
 to ever think of setting my young affections on any particular 
 one member. 
 
 Charlie. And I, too fond of bachelor freedom. 
 
 Uncle Larry. And I, too, am a confirmed old bach. 
 What do you boys say to taking me in as a permanent mem- 
 ber of your family. 
 
 All. You ! 
 
 Uncle Larry. Why not. I'm not as old as I look, and I 
 haven't forgotten my youthful days. After fifteen years of hard 
 work I would like to settle down and enjoy myself, for a time 
 at least. I'll promise to conform to your rules and regula- 
 tions, and if you boys will agree to put up with a grumpy old 
 customer like myself, just say the word, I'll buy a quarter in- 
 terest, cash down, and become at once a permanent angel my- 
 self. 
 
 Herbert. Well, you see, Uncle Larry — we — you haven't 
 forgotten that the house goes to the one who marries first. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Oh not at all. No danger of my marrying 
 and you all have just said you have no idea of doubling up. 
 
 All. [Hesitatingly.) Oh — yes — yes. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Very well then, there is nothing to prevent 
 my coming in with you if you'll have me. One more will 
 lighten your expenses, and I will promise not to be a wet blanket , 
 What say you ? 
 
 Herbert. Yes, by all means, if Rob and Charlie are willing. 
 
 Rob, Charlie. More than willing, Mr. Singleton. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Then it is settled. Herbert, I'll give you 
 a check for my share after dinner. Bless me, I feel ten years 
 younger already. [Door bell rings.) 
 
 Herbert. {Running to window.) Here they are at last. 
 (Goes to hall door, which he tries to open.) What the devil is 
 the matter with the door? (Tries it again.) By Jingo, its locked 
 and the key is gone. (Bell rings.) China ! China ! (Runs into 
 the parlor and hammers on call bell.) (Enters China.) 
 
12 
 
 Herbert. How did that door get locked? 
 
 China. I looked it, sah. 
 
 Herbert. What the devil did you do that for. 
 
 China. Bat man dar said he was your uncle, and I was 
 spicious of him. I wasn't gwine to lebe him with dem over- 
 coats and de front door unlocked. Ugh ! ugh, honey. Dere'd 
 be blud on de moon for shuah. (Bell rings.) 
 
 Herbert. (Raging.) Where's the key, you idiot? I'll dis- 
 charge you to-morrow. 
 
 China. No, sah, honey. You discharges me now, dis minute. 
 
 Rob. (Hurriedly.) For Heaven's sake, Bert, be careful. 
 We'll be ruined if the woman leaves us in the lurch. 
 
 China. Well, 1'se gwine to lebe. Dis bery instinct. Here's 
 your ole key. (Starts to leave room. All the fellows fall on their 
 knees and grab hold of her dress.) 
 
 Herbert. I beg your pardon, China. I really didn't mean 
 what I said. 
 
 Rob. Oh, China ; dear, good, sweet China! Don't leave us 
 in the lurch. (Bell rings.) 
 
 Charlie. We'll raise your wages and give you six evenings 
 out if you will only stay. 
 
 China. (Relenting.) And no more blud on de moon ? 
 
 All. Never ! 
 
 China. Den I'll stay. Lan' of goodness ; I was only fun- 
 nin'; you couldn't drive me away from de place. (Opens the 
 front door.) Howdy, ladies. Walk right i a * 
 
 (Enter Fannie, Susie and Clara, followed by 3Iiss Jane. China 
 takes wraps, Jiangs them up and exits.) 
 
 Herbert. We thought you were never coming. Have been 
 peeping out the window for the last half hour, and every time 
 a carriage came in sight we thought it was yours. Awfully 
 glad to see you. 
 
 Rob. Well, well, so you've gotten here at last. Was afraid 
 you had repented of your bargain and was going back on us ; 
 but you are here now, and we intend keeping you as long as 
 possible. 
 
13 
 
 Charlie. By Jove. This is jolly. First time the Flats 
 has been honored by the presence of ladies, and I declare it 
 certainly brightens up everything wonderfully. 
 
 Fannie. Oh, my! Isn't this just heavenly. It is just too 
 cute. You know, we have been crazy to come and was awfully 
 afraid Aunt Jane would back out ; but we were bound to come 
 anyway, weren't we girls ? 
 
 Susie. Oh this is just gorgeous. Just too awfully too too ; 
 and to think of you men living here all by yourselves. Aunt 
 Jane, just think of it. The boys live here just like it was a 
 really true home. It's too awfully jolly. 
 
 Clara. Oh my, we thought that old carriage would never 
 
 get here, the horses were too poky for any use. You know 
 
 I could't sleep a wink last night for thinking about all of us 
 
 coming up to-day. 
 
 Note. — The above lines of Herbert, Bob, Stacey, Clara, Susie and Fannie 
 are spoken very rapidly and in a chorus. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Raising her hands above her head.) My ! My ! 
 My ! Such a buzz. You'll make me deaf for two months to 
 come. 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Aside.) The saints preserve me. 
 
 Fannie. (Starting into parlor, jumps back.) Goodness! Her- 
 bert, who is it? 
 
 Herbert. O, I quite forgot. That's Uncle Larry, just 
 arrived from Colorado; come in, I want to present him. (Tliey 
 enter the •parlor.) Uncle Larry, let me present you to Miss 
 Fannie Meredith. Fannie, my Uncle Larry Singleton. (They 
 shake hands.) 
 
 Fannie. So glad to meet you Mr. Singleton. I know you 
 quite well from hearing Herbert speak of you so often. (The 
 others come in from hall, Susie and Clara first and 3Iiss Jane 
 last.) 
 
 Heebert. Young ladies, my Uncle Larry Singleton. Uncle 
 Larry, Miss Susie Jones and Miss Clara Bos well. (They bou\) 
 Miss Jane let me present my Uncle Larry Sing — 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Starting.) Larry — Mr. Singleton. 
 
14 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Starting forward.) My dear Jane, this is 
 indeed a pleasure. 
 
 All. What, you know each other ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. Do we know each other? Do you hear that 
 Jane ? Do we know each other ? Why, youngsters, we knew 
 each other long before you were born. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Coquetishly.) Why, Mr. Singleton, don't make 
 me out a regular Madame Methuselah, if you please. 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Laughing.) Well, well ; perhaps 1 did put 
 it a leetle too strong, but it has been a long, long time. 
 
 Fannie. It's just too jolly to think of your knowing each 
 other. Aren't you glad you came Aunt Jane ? It is simply 
 gorgeous, the house and every thing. 
 
 (Portiers leading to dining room are thrown aside and China 
 enters.) 
 
 China. Dinner is ready, folks. 
 
 Herbert. (In angry, aside.) Confound you, nigger. I told 
 you to say "dinner is served, Mr. Singleton." 
 
 China. (Aside.) Lans sake ! More blud on de moon. 
 
 Herbert. (To company.) You see we are prompt. Uncle 
 Larry you take Miss Jane, Charlie you and Miss Susie, Rob 
 you and Miss Clara, and Fannie I'll take you out. (Orchestra 
 plays march and curtain falls quickly as they start for dining 
 room.) 
 
 End of Act I. 
 
15 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Same scene as before.— Curtains over door leading to dining room drawn, 
 showing party at table, finishing dessert. As curtain rises, all are lavghing 
 heat tily. 
 
 Rob. And the funniest part about it, is that it is true. One 
 of the Club fellows was an eye witness to the whole affair and 
 he says he laughed his sides sore. 
 
 Herbert. {Rising.) Well, we'll leave you to Rob's tender 
 mercies if Miss Jane will excuse Fannie and myself. I want 
 to show her some curios Lieut. Hamsden brought me from 
 China. Come Fannie. 
 
 Fannie. You don't mind, Auntie, do you ? I'm just frantic 
 to see everything about this lovely place. (Herbert and Fannie 
 come down from dining room and examine bric-a-brac. 
 
 Clara. Oh, I want to see them too. 
 
 Rob. So you shall, I'll show them to you. 
 
 Susie. And I want to see them. 
 
 Charlie. /'// take care that you see them, Miss Susie. 
 
 Herbert. (Down front.) Yes, and here on the mantel is a 
 genuine satsuma vase. {They go up to the mantel. Herbert 
 puts his arm aboid Fannie.) Oh you darling, I was awfully 
 afraid you was'nt coming. 
 
 Fannie. {Attempting to escape.) Don't, Bert. 
 
 Herbert. {Innocently.) Don't what? 
 
 Fannie. Don't hug me like a bear. 
 
 Herbert. Well give me a kiss and I'll let you go. 
 
 Fannie. I won't. 
 
 Herbert. (Coaxingly.) Please do? 
 
 Fannie. I won't, I tell you ; let me go ! 
 
 Herbert. Well, I'll take one. {Struggles with her and finally 
 succeeds in kissing her. She promptly boxes his ears.) 
 
 Fannie. There ! I hope you are satisfied. 
 
16 
 
 Herbert. (Ruefully rubbiny his ears.) I am if you are. 
 (TJiey both laugh.) 
 
 Fannie. You mean thing. [They come down to safa.) 
 
 Herbert. Well, what do you think of the house? 
 
 Fannie. It is just lovely. 
 
 Herbert. I am glad you like it, and now, dear, this is our 
 chance. There is absolutely nothing to prevent our announc- 
 cing our engagement and being married at once. The fellows 
 can get their traps out, and we can just step in and take pos- 
 session on our return from the wedding trip. Come now, 
 dear, what do you say ? 
 
 Fannie. Oh Herbert, it is so awfully soon. 
 
 Herbert. Soon ? Haven't I been hanging around you for 
 a whole year ? Besides we have got to hurry matters or Bob 
 and Charlie will get ahead of us and then good bye to our 
 much talked of plans for house keeping. I'm getting very 
 suspicious of both Stacey and Bennings. Have you tried to 
 pump Susie and Clara ? 
 
 Fannie. Indeed I have, and they both crossed their hearts 
 that they were not engaged. 
 
 Herbert. Oh ! the little fibbers. . I don't believe a word of 
 that, do you ? 
 
 Fannie. (Laughing.) Not a syllable. And then they 
 turned on me and asked me if I was engaged to you. 
 
 Herbert. Yes, and what did you say ? 
 
 Fannie. I told them an awful fib. I said I couldn't abide 
 you. You know a girl is never expected to tell the truth 
 about her engagement. 
 
 Herbert. (Laughing). Of course, not. And now, dear, 
 about the day. Shall we say the 30th of this month ? 
 
 Fannie. (Hesitatingly.) Y-e-s, if you really wish it. 
 
 (Susie and Charlie start down from table.) 
 
 Herbert. Of course I wish it, you little witch. (Kisses 
 her. Susie and Charlie see the kiss. They step behind the screen 
 by piano). By Jove, it will paralyze the fellows when I spring 
 it on them that I will become a benedict on the 30th. 
 
17 
 
 Fannie. Clara and Susie will never, never, speak to me 
 again, I know. 
 
 Herbert. It's agreed then. Let us go into the conserva- 
 tory. I want to show you some of our new plants. (They 
 exit into conservatory. Charlie and Susie emerge from behind 
 screen.) 
 
 Susie. Did you ever ? The artful minx. 
 
 Charlie. Ah ! ha ! I thought so. And now, Susie, you 
 see my suspicious are well founded and if we don't hurry up 
 our wedding, we are goners as far as the house is concerned. 
 Now, do, like a dear, sweet, little woman, settle matters now. 
 Herbert said the 30th, did you hear him, that meant the date 
 they have agreed on for their wedding. Let us fix ours for the 
 29th. (They sit on sofa.) 
 
 Susie. Oh, dear me, I never could get ready by that time. 
 
 Charlie. (Sadly.) Then it's good bye to the house. 
 Besides what have you got to get ready ? 
 
 Susie. Oh, lots of things. There's the bridesmaids to be 
 asked, and you know they have got to get their things ready, 
 then there's — oh, lots of things. 
 
 Charlie. Yes, and in the meantime, Herbert and Fannie 
 will announce their engagement and then — the jig is up. Did 
 you pump Clara ? 
 
 Susie. Yes, and she said that she don't care " that " (snaps 
 her finger) but she told a story I know. 
 
 Charlie. Did she try to pump you. 
 
 Susie. I should say so. I just told her and Fan I wouldn't 
 marry you if you were the last man on earth, but I didn't 
 mean it dear, indeed I didn't. 
 
 Charlie. Of course you didn't, you little goose. (Rob. and 
 Clara come down from table.) I understand perfectly. (Kisses 
 her. Rob. and Clara see the kiss and step behind screen by 
 piano.) And now do say the 29th. That's one day ahead of 
 Fan. and Herbert. 
 
 Susie. I suppose I'll have to say yes. 
 
 Charlie. Oh you darliog. It's settled then (rising) and I 
 
18 
 
 think we can look on the place as ours. Come down into the 
 kitchen, I want to show you the culinary arrangements. 
 
 (They exit into hallway as Rob. and Clara emerge from behind 
 the screen.) 
 
 Bob. Ah ! Ha ! I smell a mice. 
 
 Clara. Yes, and a pretty good sized one, I must s;iy. I >i* I 
 you see her kiss him, and the deceitful girl told me only yester- 
 day she fairly loathed him. (They sit on sofa.) 
 
 Rob. By Jingo, this is rich. The 29th, eh ? Well, we see. 
 I tell you, Clara, we've just got to hustle, and that is all there 
 is about it, or get left in the lurch. It will never do to let 
 them get ahead of us. Fan and Herbert have evidently fixed 
 their wedding for the 30th, and Charlie and Susie we over- 
 heard agree on the 29th for theirs, so now by fixing ours for 
 the 28th we will get ahead of both. What do you say ? 
 
 Clara. It's awful sudden, but (sighing) I suppose it's got 
 to come some day, and a month or two earlier wont make much 
 difference. 
 
 Rob. ( War mil/.) Well. (Rises.) You don't seem very 
 enthusiastic over the subject, Miss Boswell ; perhaps you would 
 like to retract your promise altogether. 
 
 Clara. Oh, you great goose, you can't stand a bit of teasing. 
 
 Rob. (Eagerly.) Were you only teasing ? 
 
 Clara. Of course I was, and to prove it, I'll agree to the 
 28th of this month, willingly. 
 
 Rob. Clara, you are a brick. Jupiter ! Won't the fellows 
 howl when I spring it on them. Come here, I want to show 
 you something. (Goes up to mantle.) 
 
 Clara. (Following.) What is it, dear ? 
 
 Rob. (Putting arm around her.) Why, this. (Kisses her.) 
 
 Clara. You bad boy. 
 
 (Uncle Larry and Aunt Jane come down from the dining 
 room.) 
 
 Miss Jane. (Looking around.) Dear me. Where are the 
 rest of the young people ? 
 
19 
 
 Rob. Oh, Herbert and Charlie are showing them over the 
 house. Do you want to follow suit, Clara ? 
 
 Claea. Yes, indeed. 
 
 Rob. Come along then. [Then exit into dining room.) 
 
 Aunt Jane. I am doubtful as to the propriety of my allow- 
 ing all of this, my duties as a chaperone 
 
 Uncle Larry. Oh, nonsense, Jane ; let the youngsters 
 alone. Remember, we once were young. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Sighing.) Yes, many, many years ago. Do 
 you know, Mr. Singleton, that you have changed but little? 
 
 Uncle Larry. Mr. Singleton. I like that. Drop the Mister, 
 if you please, unless — you prefer I should call you Miss Mere- 
 dith. 
 
 Miss Jane. Oh, no. I rather prefer the use of the Christian 
 names, because — well, you know — 
 
 Uncle Larry. Because what, my dear Jane ? 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Softly.) Because it brings me face to face again 
 with the happy days of our youth. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Ah, those were happy days, were they not ? 
 (Sighs.) 
 
 Aunt Jane. Happy, indeed. (A short pause follows, during 
 tchich the two glance slyly at each other.) 
 
 Aunt Jane. How does it happen that you are still unmar- 
 ried, Mr. Singleton — I — I mean — Larry ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. I have been too busy since I left Washing- 
 ton — fifteen years ago — to think of such a thing as matrimony. 
 Besides 
 
 Aunt Jane. Besides what ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. Why, besides the fact I could never forget 
 my first love. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Stiffly.) You couldn't have been very deeply 
 in love, or you would have never gone away without a farewell 
 word and remained silent all these years without even a. sign 
 that you still lived, and all on account of a trivial misunder- 
 standing. 
 
 Uncle Larry. I didn't go without a farewell word. I 
 
20 
 
 found I was in the wrong and wrote a most abject apology, 
 begging forgiveness and promising never to be jealous again. 
 I also said that unless I was forgiven, I'd never return. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Rising.) Larry Singleton. Do you mean to 
 say you sent me a letter on the morning after our quarrel ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Rising.) Jane Meredith, do you mean to 
 say you never received my letter ? 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Earnestly.) Larry, I swear to you that I never 
 received it. 
 
 Uncle Larry. And I swear to you, Jane, that I sent it the 
 morning after our quarrel. (They stand for a second, facing 
 each other.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Holding out Jiis arms.) Jane. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Rushing into them.) Larry. (She sobs on his 
 shoulders while he blows his nose violently to conceal his emotion.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Soothingly.) There, there, dear, don't cry. 
 (Savagely.) Oh what infernal asses we've been — T — I — beg 
 pardon, dear, I mean what an infernal ass I've been. Fifteen 
 of the best years of our lives lost all through my pig-headed- 
 ness. And you never ceased to love me through all that time. 
 
 Aunt Jane. ( Wiping her eyes.) Never. After 3 ou left me 
 on that unfortunate evening, vowing never to return, I w r ent 
 to my room and cried as though my heart was breaking, and 
 would have given the world to have recalled my hasty words. 
 But you were absurdly jealous, dear, and tried me sorely. 
 
 Uncle Larry. I was a brute, dear, a heartless brute. But 
 I am wiser now, and nothing is to be gained by grieving over 
 what is done and gone. Now that I have you again, I don't 
 mean to let you go. Listen, dear, I've come back to you, a 
 battered old scarecrow, compared to what I was when I won 
 your heart fifteen years ago. But my heart is still young, and 
 it has never ceased to beat for you and you alone, and to-day, 
 you are, if possible, dearer to me than ever. Fortune has been 
 kind to me, and I am counted a rich man. Will you not let 
 me share it with you ? Perhaps the future holds some happy 
 days in store for us. 
 
21 
 
 Aunt Jane. But, Larry, dear, I've grown old, and gray, 
 and — 
 
 Uncle Larry. Stuff and nonsense. Neither of us will 
 crack under the wings, my dear, and as far as growing gray is 
 concerned, I love every gray hair in your head. Why, your 
 eyes are as bright and your cheeks as pink as in the olden days, 
 when we as boy and girl lovers used to go hand in hand stroll- 
 ing through the woods. But now to arrange matters. We've lost 
 too much time already, and at our stage of life one precious 
 minute is equal to an hour of fifteen years ago. So, my dear, 
 we'll get married without delay and go to house-keeping at once. 
 Come now, sweetheart, what do you say ? 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Confusedly.) I — I — pray give me time to 
 think. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Not an hour, not a blessed minute. I have 
 thought for both of us. To-morrow morning, bright and early, 
 I'll get the license. At two in the afternoon I will call for you, 
 ostensibly to take a drive. We'll go at once to the Presbyter- 
 ian Parsonage and have the thing over, without fuss and 
 feathero. Is it a go. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Smiling.) The same impetuous Larry of old. 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Eagerly.) You consent then. 
 
 Aunt Jane. (Giving him her hand.) If you wish it, yes. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Hurray. Give me a buss, dear. (Kisses 
 her heartily.) By the great horn spoon, I'm happy. (Sings in 
 a craked voice,) " Jane, Jane, me bunnie Jane." 
 
 Aunt Jane. For goodness sake Larry, don't. What will 
 the children think ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. The children be blowed. Excuse me, dear, 
 I can't help it, I must sing or do something or I'll bust. Be- 
 sides they are all in the same boat. (Sings.) " There's noth- 
 ing half so pleasant as Love's young dream." Oh, by the way. 
 An idea strikes me. A splendid idea. You know the boys, 
 Herbert, Charlie and Rob, when they started bachelor house- 
 keeping, agreed that the first one married was to fall heir to 
 the entire outfit, furniture, pictures, piano, everything. 
 
22 
 
 Aunt Jane. Yes, so I understand, and a capital plan it 
 was, too. 
 
 Uncle Larey. Well, don't you see ? 
 
 Aunt Jane. See what? 
 
 Uncle Larry. I am a member of the Flats. One of the 
 angels. I purchased a quarter interest in the place this after- 
 noon, agreeing to stand by the rules and regulations and — 
 
 Aunt Jane. Yes! 
 
 Uncle Larry. Well, as I am the first to be married, the 
 place comes to me. 
 
 Aunt Jane. But, Larry, you really wouldn't think of turn- 
 ing those young men out of this cosy little home ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. Not a bit of it my dear, not a bit of it. 
 But I intend to give them a pretty good scare to-morrow after- 
 noon, when we return from our " wedding tour." We'll call 
 on them on our way home. 
 
 Aunt Jane. It will be an awfully good joke, but hush — 
 here they come. 
 
 (Enter Herbert and Fannie, Charlie and Susie, Rob and Clara.) 
 
 Fannie. Oh, Aunt Jane, you ought to see the lovely flowers 
 in the conservatory. 
 
 Susie. And the cutest kitchen. 
 
 Clara. And the dearest little butler's pantry. 
 
 Aunt Jane. Well ! you seem to have been pretty much all 
 over the premises. , 
 
 Rob. Come, Clara, and give us some music. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Yes, do, Miss Clara. It's been a long time 
 since I've heard any. 
 
 Clara. Well, if Rob will play my accompaniment. 
 
 Rob. With much pleasure. What shall it be ? 
 
 Charlie. Sing ****** (here is introduced the 
 latest popular waltz song. At the conclusion of so n<j, all applaud.) 
 
 Clara. And now, Herbert, it's your turn. 
 
 Herbert. All right, something with a chorus, so we can all 
 take a hand. 
 
 (Here follows a medley of popular airs which closes the scene.) 
 End of Act II. 
 
23 
 ACT III. 
 
 Scene same as 1st and 2d. (Japanese screen in front of mantel at right. 
 Another in front of piano. Portier over door leading to dining room closed. 
 Curtain rises, discovering China dusting.) 
 
 China. Fine doins in dis yar house las night. Guess dem 
 young men thinks Ise stun bline and deaf. From de looks of 
 things dar'll be a weddin' in dis yar house mighty soon an' it 
 won't be mine, dats suttin an' shuah. Spose Misto Charlie 
 thinks I didn't see him and Miss Susie when dey was in de 
 pantry. I didn't nuther, but I heard them, [imitates the sound 
 of kissing.) Hi, golly, and dars was Misto Rob. and Miss 
 Clara on the back poach, and Misto Herbert and Miss 
 Fannie in dat obserbatory. Wei), I'm not sprised at dem. 
 Young folks will be young folks. But I am suttinly sprised 
 at Miss Jane Meredith, sittin in de parlor holding hands with 
 Misto Herbert's Uncle. Oh, I seed 'em when I kum up mm 
 de kitchen to de dinin room and dey can't proobe no aliby by 
 dis chile, dey wuz dar. {Ring at the door bell.) Now, who in 
 de name of goodness is comin hyah dis time o'day. It can't 
 be de \oung men, cos dey is not due till fo o'clock. (Ring at 
 bell.) Yaas I'se comin. [Goes to hall door and, opens it, dis- 
 covering Fannie who enters hurriedly.) Why Ian' of goodness, 
 if it aint Miss Fannie. Why howdy, honey. 
 
 Fannie. Oh my ! I'm frightened to death, China. Nobody 
 is at home of course. 
 
 China. No indeedy ! 'cept me. 
 
 Fannie. Mamma and Aunt Jane would just have a fit if 
 they knew I was up here, but Herbert asked me to come and 
 look around and see if there was anything I thought the house 
 needed, and of course I couldn't think of asking anybody to 
 come with me. China, do you think you can keep a secret? 
 
 China. Deed I can, honey. 
 
 Fannie. Well, I'm going to marry Mr. Herbert very soon. 
 We are going to come and live here, and, of course we are 
 going to keep you. 
 
24 
 
 China. Deed is you, honey. {Laughs.) For de lan's sake. 
 
 Fannie. Yes, but be sure now not to breathe a word. 
 There is a dollar for you. You needn't mind staying, I can 
 look around myself. 
 
 China. Thank you, Miss Fannie. {Going.) For de lan's 
 sake. {Exit.) 
 
 Fannie. I had to tell her why I came up. Now let me see. 
 {Looks around parlor.) The parlor will do nicely. {Meditatively.) 
 I might move the piano over here and put the bine plush chair 
 there; then one of those screens will have to go into the dining 
 room, and — {ring at door bell. Fannie gives a slight scream.) 
 Oh dear ! somebody's coming and I'm caught. What shall I 
 do ? {Enter China on her way to the door.) China, for Heaven's 
 sake hide me some where. I'll die if anybody comes. For 
 goodness sake put me somewhere. 
 
 China. Shaw, honey ; don't you be frightened. You get 
 behind dem curtains. {Points to portier over dining room doors.) 
 I specs it's one of dem huckster men. Dey's all de time a ring- 
 ing de front doah bell. Po' white trash ; dey don't know no 
 better. {Fannie hides behind curtains and peeps through while 
 China, goes to the door, ojiens it, and discovers Clara.) 
 
 China. In de Ian' of goodness, ef it aint Miss Clara. Why, 
 howdy, honey. 
 
 Fannie. {In dismay.) Merciful Heavens ! It's Clara Bos- 
 well. I'm lost. {Pulls curtains too.) 
 
 Clara. {Coming in.) Howdy do, China. Anybody at home? 
 
 China. No, indeed, honey. 
 
 Clara. Then I'll come in. I'm awfully scared. If mamma 
 knew I was here, there would be a pretty howdy do at home. 
 But, thank goodness, she's at the matinee. China can you keep 
 a secret ? 
 
 China. Yass, indeedy. 
 
 Clara. Well, I'm going to marry Mr. Jenkin s-- very soon, 
 and we are going to live here. We talked it over last night, 
 and come to the conclusion to keep you, if you would like to 
 stay. Now, remember, this is a secret, and if you value your 
 
25 
 
 place don't you mention it. There's a dollar for you. (China 
 courtesy*.) You needn't wait. I want to look around and see 
 if anything is needed in the way of furnishing. 
 
 China. Makeyo'self at home, Miss Clara. (Going.) (Aside.) 
 De Ian' of goodness ! If she finds Miss Fannie, dar'll be some 
 ha'r pullin', suah. (Exit.) 
 
 Clara. I'm afraid I have done a very unwise thing in telling 
 China, but I had to give some reason for my being here. Now, 
 let me see. (Sits down and looks around room.) I hardly like 
 the way the furniture is arranged, but it wont take long to ar- 
 range it to suit myself when I come in as mistress of the house. 
 I think the piano would look better over there. (Designates a 
 different place from the one Fannie pointed out.) The pictures 
 want to be rehung, and I think I'll have the curtains changed. 
 Pale blue plush would look better. [ think these are nothing 
 but cotton velvet. (Starts toward curtains, door bell rings. Clara 
 very much startled.) Good gracious ! It can't be any of the 
 young men. "What shall I do ? If they should come in and 
 find me here I'd die. (Enter China, going to the door.) China, 
 for mercy's sake hide me somewhere. Oh, I'm frightened to 
 death ! Where can I hide ? 
 
 China. Don't kerry on so, chile ; nobody's gwine to hurt you. 
 I specs it's de chicken man. De never does ring de basement 
 bell. You just step behind dat screen by de mantel, and I'll 
 send him about his business mighty quick. 
 
 (Clara hurries behind screen and peeps around it, wliile China 
 goes to the door, which she opens, discovering Susie.) 
 
 China. For the lan's sake if it aint Miss Susie. Howdy, 
 honey. 
 
 Fannie. (Peeping through the curtains.) Susie Jones, by all 
 that's wonderful. I'd give my best silk dress to be safely out 
 of this. (Closes curtains.) 
 
 Clara. (Peeping from behind screen.) Great goodness, it's 
 Susie Jones, of all persons. (Disappears behind, screeii.) 
 
 Susie. You are sure that none of the young men are in ? 
 
 China. Deed I'se suah, honey. No young men about de place. 
 
26 
 
 Susie. Well, I can't stay but a minute. I promised Charlie 
 I'd drop in this afternoon and look around. I want to tell you 
 a great secret, China, but you must cross your heart you wont 
 tell. 
 
 China. Deed I will, but I specs I can guess it. You and 
 Misto Charlie is gwine to get married and comin' up hyah to 
 libe. (Laughs.) Yah, Yah, Yah. Aintdatit? 
 
 Susie. (Surprised.) Yes, but how in the world did you 
 know it ? 
 
 China. Oh, a little bird told me, sides yore old auntie aint 
 bline. 
 
 Susie. Don't be a fool, China. Here's a dollar for you. You 
 needn't wait. Mind you don't breathe a word about my having 
 been here. 
 
 China. No indeedy, honey. Is you gwine to keep me when 
 you and Misto Charlie come hyah to libe? 
 
 Susie. Yes, if you are a good girl. 
 
 China. (Laughs.) Yah, Yah, Yah. {Exit.) 
 
 Susie. (Sitting in chair.) Well, there would be a nice mess 
 at home if papa knew I was here, but he's at the bank, and I'm 
 supposed to be out shopping. (Looks around.) This is quite 
 cosy, I declare. I'll make some changes in the — (hears a noise 
 at the door.) Good gracious ! that sounds like a latch key. It 
 cant be the boys coming home from office. ( Very much fright- 
 ened.) It is. I must hide somewhere. O, if I'm caught, I'll 
 never dare to look at them again. (Runs behind second screen.) 
 
 Fannie. (Aside.) This is awful. I feel fainty. 
 
 Clara. (Peeping from behind screen. Aside.) This is simply 
 diabolical. 
 
 (Enter Herbert, Charlie and Rob tedking.) 
 
 Herbert. Pious scheme, that, of closing office an hour 
 earlier on Saturdays. 
 
 Rob. Yes, I wish every day were a Saturday. 
 
 Charlie. While you are wishing, wish every day were a 
 Sunday, and then office would be closed all day. (Goes to table 
 and picks up letters.) Here's the mail. Bennings, Singleton, 
 
27 
 
 Bennings, Stacey, Singleton, Stacey. ( TJiey take the letters and 
 sit down to read them.) 
 
 Rob. (Opening letters.) Haug it, a dun as usual. Shears & 
 Co. want their little bill settled. I'll stop dealing with them. 
 They are always wanting money. (Throivs bill on floor and 
 proceeds to open second letter.) 
 
 Herbert. Here's one from the florist, $27. " Please remit." 
 Yes, I will when I get good and ready. (Tosses letter on floor 
 and proceeds to open second letter.) 
 
 Charlie. Well, mine aint a dun, but it might as well be. 
 It's an invitation to a wedding. Sam Slocum and Hatde 
 Fendall, and that means $25 for a present. 
 
 Herbert. I'm in for it too. (Holds up invitation.) 
 
 Rob. So am I. Hang weddings anyway. What an idiot a 
 man is to tie himself for life to some fool girl. Hattie's well 
 enough in her way, but I for one, wouldn't marry the best 
 girl on earth. 
 
 Charlie. (Lighting cigarette.) How about, Clara, my boy ? 
 I'm getting a little suspicious of you in that quarter. 
 
 Rob. Clara Boswell ? Oh, she's a dear, innocent little thing, 
 believes all I tell her — and — well, she's good enough to fiirt 
 with to pass time away. 
 
 Clara. (Peepnng from behind screen.) Oh! you wretch ! 
 
 Rob. But how about you and Susie ? It seems to me you 
 spend most of your evenings there. 
 
 Charlie. Well, what if I do ? It's no sign that I'm spoons 
 on her. I like her well enough, but she's not my style. Good 
 summer girl. 
 
 Susie. (Aside, peeping from behind screen.) A good summer 
 girl ; I'd like to scratch your eyes out. 
 
 Rob. I think Herbert here, is the shaky one. Twenty-five 
 dollars worth of flowers in one month is going it rather strong. 
 
 Herbert. (Laughs.) Yes, dear chappies, it costs money, 
 these little flirtations, but we must have them you know. 
 
 Charlie. Then there is nothing serious between you and 
 Fannie ? 
 
2S 
 
 Herbert. Serious ! Well I should hope not. Fanny is 
 a dear spoony little goose and it comes perfectly natural for a 
 fellow to make love to her ; but as for marrying her — why — 
 I'd as soon think of marrying my grand mother. 
 
 Fannie. (Stepping from behind curtain.) You would, 
 would you? 
 
 Herbert. (Jumping up.) Great Heavens, Fannie, you 
 here. (Rob. & Charlie whistle.) 
 
 Fannie. Yes, I'm here, and what's more I've heard every 
 word you've said. 
 
 Herbert. (Starting towards her.) But Fannie — 
 
 Fannie. Don't touch me. Don't come near me. You 
 mean, mean fellow. Clara Boswell and Susie Jones, you 
 might as well come out from behind those screens. We are all 
 in the same boat. (Commences to cry.) 
 
 (Clara and Susie step from behind the screens. 
 
 Charlie. Great Jupiter ! 
 
 Rob. Holy smoke ! 
 
 Charlie. How in the name of all that's curious, Susie, do 
 you happen to be here at this hour. I told you to be sure and 
 get away before three. 
 
 Susie. ( Witheringly.) I know you did, Mister Stacey, but 
 I'm very glad I stayed. A good summer girl am I ? 
 
 Charlie. Oh come now, Susie, you know — 
 
 Susie. If you come near me I'll scream. (Commences to cry.) 
 
 Clara. (To Rob.) Don't say another word to me, Mr. 
 Rennings. I despise you. (The three girls weep on each others 
 shoulders. The three fellows look at each other in dismay.) 
 
 Herbert. Well, this is an awfully distressing scene and I'll 
 put an end to it by making a confession. What I said about 
 my feelings for Fannie is not true. She is just the dearest, 
 sweetest little woman on earth, and I love her dearly ; and 
 what is more, we are to be married on the 30th of this month. 
 We settled it last night. So you fellows might as well get 
 ready to move. 
 
 Rob. Don't be so fast, my dear fellow, I fibbed about my 
 
29 
 
 affair with Clara. We are engaged, and last night settled on 
 the 29th, for our wedding, so I'm one day ahead of you, and 
 it's you and Staeey, who will have to do the moving and not me. 
 
 Herbert. The devil you say. 
 
 Fannie. (To Clara.) You mean deceitful thing. (Goes over 
 to Herbert.) 
 
 Charlie. (Laughing.) Well by Jove, this is rich. (Aside.) 
 Now watch me kill them. (Aloud.) Boys, I guess you are in 
 the soup. I overheard your little plans of last evening, and 
 as all is fair in love and war, Susie and I fixed our wedding 
 for the 28th. So I have you both. Sorry for you fellows, 
 but such is the case. 
 
 Herbert. I didn't think you capable of such duplicity. 
 
 Rob. Nor I. Your conduct has been shameful. 
 
 Fannie. Susie Jones, I always did despise you. 
 
 Clara. You are a bold shameless thing, and I've a good 
 mind to scratch your eyes out. (Goes to Rob.) 
 
 (Enter Uncle Larry and Aunt Jane.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. Hello ! Hello ! What all this ? 
 
 Herbert. (To Uncle Larry.) Staeey here has treated us 
 shamefully; he has been crying down matrimony and pre- 
 tending he cares nothing for Susie Jones and he has just in- 
 formed us that. — 
 
 Rob. (To Uncle Larry.) Why there's just the devil to pay. 
 Staeey has been playing a double game with us and it turns 
 out that he and Susie are to be married on the 28th and we 
 have to get out. — 
 
 Fannie. (2b Aunt Jane.) Oh, Aunt Jane, it's just the 
 meanest thing, you ever heard of. Susie Jones has deceived 
 us in the most shameful manner. I just despise her and — 
 
 Clara. ( To Aunt Jane.) Miss Meredith, I'm glad you've 
 come and I want you to take me home. We've just had an 
 awful time and I'm just sick, and — and — heart broken. — 
 
 ( The above lines of Herbert and Rob., Fannie and Clara must 
 all be spoken at once.) 
 
 Uncle Larry. For goodness sake, one at a time. 
 
30 
 
 Aunt Jane. I can't make out a word of what you are saying. 
 
 Charlie. Well, if you can keep the mob quiet for a few 
 minutes, I will try and explain how things stand. There is no 
 use of repeating to you the agreement we fellows entered into 
 when Paradise Flats was started, for it was explained to you 
 last night, that the first fellow who married fell heir to the 
 house and furnishings. It seems that all three of us have been 
 scheming, and each to get ahead of the other. I happen to be 
 the successful one. Herbert and Fannie have announced their 
 wedding for the 30th of this month. Rob and Clara went one 
 better and announced theirs for the 29th, while Susie and I 
 made up our minds last evening that we would be led out to 
 slaughter on the 28th. Consequently, according to the terms of 
 the agreement, the house and furnishings come to me, as my 
 wedding will take place first. I feel a little conscience stricken 
 in regard to you, but everything was explained to you last 
 evening, and you professed yourself willing to take the chances. 
 Besides these arrangement were made after we took you in. 
 But the house is too large for Susie and me, and you shall come 
 and live with us. Shan't he Susie. 
 
 Susie. Yes, indeed, Uncle Larry, and we'll make you so 
 comfortable. 
 
 Uncle Larry. You are awfully kind, my dear children. 
 Dear ! Dear ! It seems to me that I've been very cleverly taken 
 in and done for. Are you not ashamed of yourself, you little 
 scamps, to play such a confidence game on an old man like me ? 
 
 Herbert. You are not the only one buncoed. Look at 
 me. They've regularly done me up. 
 
 Rob. And me, it's simply outrageous. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Why, hang your impudence, you young ras- 
 cals, you are as bad as he is. You've tried to do each other 
 up, and the smartest one has come out ahead. Why, I struck 
 a regular nest of sharpers when I came to this house. 
 
 Charlie. Oh, come now, Mr. Singleton, that is putting it 
 rather strong. We didn't invite you to come in with us. You, 
 yourself proposed it and you should stand by your bargain. 
 
31 
 
 Uncle Larry. (Meaningly.) I mean to, never fear. 
 
 Charlie. Well, then, the matter is settled, I hope. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Well, not quite. You see — (Aside) I'll 
 break his heart — (Aloud) I think my young friend you are 
 counting your chickens before they are hatched. What's to 
 prevent me from getting married on the 27th. 
 
 Charlie. You. Oh, I say that wouldn't be fair, because 
 you now know the dates we have fixed, and consequently you 
 would be taking undue advantage of us by doing such a thing. 
 
 Uncle Larry. I didn't know them last night, did I ? 
 
 Charlie. Certainly not. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Nor until a few minutes ago. 
 
 Charlie. No. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Well, I have a confession to make. Come 
 here Jane. Young ladies and young gentlemen, permit me to 
 present my wife. 
 
 All. What. 
 
 Herbert. Why Uncle Larry, what does this mean ? 
 
 Fannie. Why Aunt Jane, what does this mean ? 
 
 Uncle Larry. It means this, my young friends. Fifteen 
 yeais ago a foolish quarrel separated two loving hearts. One 
 was mine, the other Jaue Meredith's Last night we met for 
 the first time. Explanations followed. We found there had 
 been a terrible mistake. Despite the lapse of time the old love 
 flame burned as brightly as ever, and I determined that now, I 
 had my sweetheart again, I'd take care not to lose her, and so 
 we were married this afternoon. You youngsters may clear 
 out as soon as possible. 
 
 Herbert. Well, talk about taking a serpent to your bosom. 
 
 Rob. Or being buncoed. 
 
 Charlie. And taken in and done for. 
 
 Fannie. Aunt Jane, I never would have believed you capa- 
 ble of such a thing. 
 
 Clara. I'm glad of it. 
 
 Susie. And I have to give up this lovely little house. It's 
 too bad. ( The girls surround Aunt Jane.) 
 
32 
 
 Charlie. Well, Uncle Larry, you've done us up nicely, 
 but I for one bear no malice, and I congratulate you most 
 heartily. (Shakes hands.) 
 
 Rob. And so do I. (Shakes hands.) 
 
 Herbert. I guess I'll have to follow suit. (Shakes hands.) 
 Well, fellows, I guess we'll have to go back to boarding and 
 give up all thoughts of matrimony for a while, at least. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Well, well, this is rich. You all take my 
 coup de etat so good naturedly, I can't find it in my heart to 
 longer tease you. I have no idea of turning you out of your 
 cozy little home. I'll tell you what I will do. Fortune has 
 been kind to me, and I really have more money than I know 
 what to do with. I'll tell you what, if you youngsters will 
 have a triple wedding, I'll buy and furnish three houses 
 exactly alike and give them to you as wedding presents. Come 
 now, what say you ? Is it a go ? 
 
 Herbert. Uncle Larry you are a brick. What say you 
 Fannie. 
 
 Fannie. I for one, say yes, and thank you heartily. 
 
 Rob and Charlie. (Turning to Clara and Susie.) What do 
 you say girls ? 
 
 Clara. I Oh, we couldn't think of spoiling such a spleu- 
 
 Susie. J did ending to a delightful romance. 
 
 Uncle Larry. Then it's agreed, so let the merry wedding 
 bells prepare to ring, and may the serpent of discord and un- 
 happiness never enter the portals of Paradise Flats. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
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