P s LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. Shelf 72sf..N235 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. A FARCE COMEDY « IN THRKK ACTS, BY DICK NAYLOR. 1895 Hopkins & Co., Printers, GAI.VEST0N,[TBXi^8. i A FARCE COMEDY IN THREK ACTS, BY DICK NAYLOR. ^'*^, V/Zi NoTK — Anyone found playing this Farce Conietly without the authority of the author, cither under a different or orig-inal title, or piece cut, will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 1895 Hopkins & Co., Printers, GALVESTON, TEX 48. ,t.^ Entered according to an Act of (iongresa in the year 1894 By I. B. NAYLOR, In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C. CAST OF CHARACTERS. COUNT VICTOR DE BRACE UP— Out for a wife, not particular so she has money. MR. MIKE O'DONET— Out for the "Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transportation Company." COL. CHAS. PENNEFEATHER— Out from Texas to please the girls and have a nice time. A. TIRED FEELING I .rr. . . ^ , , .... A. WEARY THOUGHTS (Twms)— Out for a "soft snap." MAILMAN— Out for a fight. LITTLE JOHNNIE— The Prodigy of "Ye Mullberry Inn." ISABELLA PENNEFEATHER— A Lady of Uncertain Age but Cer- tain Wealth. LULU FIELDING— Full of Mischief. ANNIE FIELDING— Full of Life. CLARA MASON— Full of Fun. BELLE PENNEFEATHER— Full of something bui hard to tell what. Messenger Boys, Waiters, Musicians, etc. SYNOPSIS. ACT I — "Ye Mullberry Inn." The Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transportation Company. "We curse you, we do, so we do." ACT II — The Old Farm. A day in the country. "It is a picnic, a soft snap." ACT III— Muggles Bay. Off for Texas. "Dumped, coldly dumped!" For reference to Properties, Stage Settfngs, Specialties, Costume*, Etc , see last pages. A SOFT SNAP. ACT I. Enter Count. Count 1 see er ze place is alone, ze ladies have taken ze walk [taking seat] I have seen er ze funny people but these er beat them all. Ze ladies all think er me love them, [laughsj Ha! ha! ha! I think er they full of er ze ice water or ze bean soup! Ze ladies go in ze bathing, like er to take er ze bath, like er ze water, wear er ze fine big bathing suit! I make er ze whole bathing suit with er my pocket handkerchief. [Begins to read paper; Isabella, who has been in bathing, enters, dressed in ridiculous bathing suit; the Count looks up; asidej Here is ze beautiful vision, ze fine figure, [coughing and looking over paper] Ahem! Ahem! Iss. [Uttering a scream] I did not know you were here, Count, Do not look at me, I'nj so shy. [Places hands over face and runs into bath house in ridiculous manner. | Count [laughing] Ha! Ha! ha! 8he is so shy; she make er me laugh. She is no shy. When she come out she ask er me if she look ze nice in ze bathing suit, if I tell her she look like er ze rake, she scratch er my eyes out; if I tell her she look er ze beautiful ah! she call er me, dear count, [whisile heard] Ze mail man. [reads paper; enter Mailman, blowing whistle very loud, blows it three or four times in the Count's face, bus. and shouts "Mail!" very loud; throws letters in Count's face. Mail. Take der mail, see! [Walks off in tough way] Count [Surprised] I think er ze man craz! He take er me to be deaf. I have er ze great mind to kill er ze man. [rising] No — I wait till er ze next time and if he no like er me, to kill er him; I kill er him anyhow, [looking through mail] Noth- ing for me? Ah; they have stopped er sending me ze bill, [opening letters] If nothing for me, I make er ze something. I read er anyhow. It is a chronic disease; I cannot help it. Ze doctor tell me I must er read all I can; I cannot er find anything to read er here, so I read er ze letters, [reads] Well, I cannot er help it. [throwing letters behind scenery] I do as ze doctor tell me. [sees letter on floor] Ah, another letter, [picking it up] To the charmont vision, [opens it] I must read it also, [reads; bus.] "Dear Aunt Iss.: The chickens are laying eggs and the hogs are fat." [aloud] Ze hogs are laying eggs and ze chickens are fat. Zat is startling news, [reads] "The cook has got corns and she won't make any more tarts. I wish you would come home." [aloud] This is rich, [reads] "I went fishing the other day and dad licked me. I miss you so much. Dad says Mr. Thompson loves you cause 6 A SOFT SNAP. . Act I you got so much money." [aloud] Ah' ah! so she got ze plenty money. I let ze Irishman have all ze yonng ladies and I take ze charmont vision, [reads] "So look out for Mr. Thomp- son" [aside] Ah! [reads] "I send love to you and so does the cow. Your little nephew, Willie." Ah, she has got er ze money. I will win her heart and get er all ze money. [The window in the hotel goes up and O'Donet looks out in peculiar way; Count looking up] Ah, ze crazy Irishman, [ducks head behind paper] O'D. [Looking out window] Sh ! Count [Imitating] -h ! O'D. [Laughing in peculiar way] Ho! ho! ha! ha! he! he! hi! hi! Count [imitating] Ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he! hi! hi! [Enter O'Donet from hotel] O'D. [Looking around] The place seems deserted. Count [Offended] Yes sare, yes sare. You are deserted, deserted sare! O'D. [Walking to Count] Say, look here, Frenchy, don't make any more noise like that. Count Sare, sare. You speak to me like er that -S'ap^rasfi. [dignity] lam ze Count de Braceup. O'D. Oho! is that what ye are me fine duck, [snapping fingers in Count's face] I don't care if you are the Count de Braceup or the Count de Bracedown. Go soak your head, [walking off] Count [Very indignant] Me! Me, sare! Me soak er my head. You take er me for von sponge? O'D. Go on, go on; I'll sit on you. Count Sit on me' You must be crazy, [with dignity] I am ze grand writer. O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! And is that what you are, are you? You sweet little thing, [patting Count on back] Head waiter, you mean. [imitating] What will you have gentlemen — coffee, steak, ham sandwich Count [Very angry] Sare, you lie! I have er at me home, me palace, many waiters. [At his side] I no like er this. You ask er me to come here on ze beach, you have er something to tell me. You tell er me to soak er my head, I am er ze waiter, [up to O'Donet's face] You take er me f >r one nicker- poop? O'D. ['Poohs'' in Count's face] So it is, you are. you frog eater. [to Count's fice] I'hi^i is what [ have to tell you If ever I see you making love t,o Mis.s Mason again, I'll throw you in the bav, do you heir? [Snaps fingers in Count's face] Count [Indifferentlv] I make love to Miss Mason? [nearing bath house, laughing] ' Ha! ha! ha! I love er ze beautiful young lady ze aunt. O'D. [Knocked out] You love er ze beautiful young lady ze aunt? [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! Her face would make butter, [scream from bath house] Count [Puzzled] Make er ze butter, make er ze butter; her face make er ze butter? No, no, it is von mistake, [to O'Donet] You mean to insult ze lady? [Isabella looking from behind bath house] Act I. A SOFT SNAP. 7 O'D. You had better take ^ bath. It will do you good. Count [Excited] You will take er ze bath! I kill er you! I fight er you ze duel! O'D. [Grasping Count and sh iking him] You frog-eating — you Count Let er me go and I kill er you now! Iss. [Advancing and screaming] Count! Count! do not throw away your life. [Enter Colonel and stands on hotel steps] Col. Stop that Isabella, you might injure your lungs, [to Count and O'Donet] Go it, boys, and if yoa need any help call on me. Tss. [To Count] My dear Count, wash your hands of this affair. Do not kill him tor my sake. O'D. [Releasing the Count] Yes, let him wash his hands — soap's gone down, so it has. Iss. [Giving O'Donet a look] You horrid, horrid man. You are real naughty. Count [To IsaV)ella] Fair and most beautiful lady. [Isabella tittersj You have save er his life. [bus. ai-ranging his clothes] I would have kill er him sure, [bowing] Let er ze matter drop. Col. [ lo O'Donet] Why didn't you give him a good one in the neck? O'D. [Taking Colonel's arm and walking back] The hospital is crowded, Colonel. [Exit r] Count [Walking to seat] Pardon me, I forgot er ze letter, [handing letter] I opened it by mistake. Iss. [Coquettishly] Some old beau, no doubt. [Aside] I wonder what he thought of my new bathing suit. Count Ah, you take er ze nice bath this morning. Iss. [Tittering] Yes, I had a most delightful bath. How did I look in my new bathing suit. Count [Aside] What I tell you, eh? [aloud] Ah, my dear young lady, you look er beautiful — scharmont — like er ze lovely vision, [bowing] Iss. [Lovingly] Oh, you dear old thing, you are so nice. Count You take er ze walk this morning? Iss. [Aside] We women have such power over these men. [aloud] Yes, dear Count, it will do me good and we can find the girls. [enter Colonel and O'Donet r] O'D. Yes, dear Count, take a walk, but don't fall in the water. [Exit Isabella and Count, r, 4th e] Col. And take care of your health, Isabella, [to O'Donet] They are a jolly couple, Mr. O'Donet, O'D. So they are, Colonel. That Frenchman is going to die standing up some of these days. Col. Has he the heart disease? O'D. No, I'm going to break his face. Col. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! How long will you be here Mr. O'Donet. O'D. About a week longer. Col, I'm going home this week and would like to have 3 ou and the " rest here pay me a visit and see Texas. O'D. Well, Colonel, I-^ Col, No excuse, air, no excuse. I won't have it. O'D. [Aside] Been looking for something like this for some time. [aloud] All right. Colonel, if I mupt, I must. 8 A SOFT SNAP. Act I Col. The girls are giving a picnic to-morrow. Will you join us? &T). Why certainly. Col. What is your business, Mr. O'Donet? O'D. I am a capitalist, sir, a capitalist. I am now interested in a gignatic speculation here. Col. What! here in Muggins Bay? A very fine field. What is the nature of the speculatiQU? O'D. It's a grand thing. Colonel — I'm the president of the whole concern. We are going o have the east-^rn portions of tlie place made into a parl^ and aline of air cars connecting with the city l)eyond. [pointing back] Col. Have you made any commencement? O'D. We issued bonds, one hundred dollars a share aud the man who buys ten shares will be made secretary of the company. Col. What is the name of the enterprise? O'D. [In one breath] The Muggleri Bay Improvement and Air Transportation Company, [another] Nice thing. Col. Have you made the rolling stoolc? O'D. No, not as yet, but we have the air and a thirty-yard sign, all painted and stretched on the grounds. I would like to make a deal with you, Colonel — sell you some stock, you'll never regret the money — in three years it will double itself. Col. I'm rather dubious about these things, [shakes head] I am rather dubious. 1 took some siock in a thing once of this kind, but when I went to look for my property, [ found it [O'Donet looks up] on top of a mountain — perpetual snow, cool place, I admit, but didn't fancy it much. O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! That's pretty good. Colonel. But this is a square thing — t^xpect to make millions out of it. Like to put you down for some stock. Col. Are you sure it's square? O'D. As sure as I'm here. Col, I'll try ten shares and see what it will make me [looking around] but upon one condition, do not say anything to my sister about it — Isabella. She is very rich, you know. [O'Donet looks surprised] You know how the women folks are about these things, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! [pushes O'Donet in ribs with thumbs] Ha! ha! ha! O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good, pretty good. Colonel, [slapping Colonel on back] I'll make you secretary, I'll make you secretary, [button-holes him] Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good. Write me out a check for a thousand aud I'll hand you the stock at the supper table, [voice heard off, "Fish!" bus.) Ha! ha! ha! Pretty good, pretty good, Colonel. CoL [On steps] All right, I'll have the checks for you in a few moments [Laughing] Ha! ha.' ha! Now mind, nothing to Isabella. [Laughing] Ho! hoi ho! These women, these women. [Exit in hotel] O'D. [Walking front] Dumb as an oyster. That's all right, this check will pay my board for nine months. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! Oh, no, I won't say anything to Isabella about it. not on your life. If the company busts I'll give him the air and Act I. A SOFT SNAP. 9 sign to play with. I must pull bis leg again, [taking seat] So the old maid is rich — pretty slick dog, that Frenchman, but I'll fix him. Her beauty, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! that reminds me. [song; walking back and looking off] Here they come back, must have changed their mind. If that Frenchman goes through any of his monkey business, I'll throw him in the water [hiding] Must keep my eye on this fellow, [enter Count and Isabella, talking; r, 4th e] Iss. And you really have this fine opera written? O'D. [Aside] He's working the play racket on her. Count Yes, I have er ze grand opera — sixty people — five acts — beauti- ful — fine music — grand, grand opera! I kill er twenty men in ze first act. Iss. [Seating herself] Grand! grand! Count Yes, very grand! I have five er men in love with ze same lady. Iss. Five men? — how nice. Count Yes, five er men, all love er ze same lady. It go er like this, [strikes attitude] O'D. [Making funny noise] Hel he! hi! hi! Iss. [Looking up] What was that? Count [Surprised] I think it was ze turkey — in ze back yard. Iss. Turkeys? Turkeys here to eat? Count No, no. Only keep er them for the zoological garden. Iss. Go on with your play, dear Count. Count Ah! that er make er me happy to hear you say that. You like er to hear my play? O'D. [Aside] St. Peter! I see right now I'll have to kill the French- man, [looks around for something] Iss. Yes, I would like to hear it. [titters] It's grand. O'D. [Aside] I'll fix him. [moves across stage to hotel; exit in hotel and looks out window] Count I will act er ze grand opera, [position] Ze first act opens with ze bridge. Ze hero is standing on ze bridge, [pointing] Ze bridge is here, ze clouds are here, ze heavens are black and full of ze thunder and lightning. Everything is still, ze hero does not move, he look in ze water. All at once a maiden come on ze bridge. Ze hero do not see ze maiden. Ze maiden do not see ze hero. She look in ze water and utter one shriek and jump in Ze hero see her floating and shouts "be brave and I will save you!" Ze maiden is sinking and ze hero see it. [slow] He take off his hat, he take off his coat, he take oflF hisvest, le take off his, [bowing] excuse er me, lady, he take off his pants, [Isabella screams] he take off his shoes, [under window] He get on top of ze bridge and make er von big leap. O'D. [Aside] With his socks on. [Isabella becomes excited; backs to hotel] Count He fall in ze water, [very tragic] He swim to er ze maiden and is about to catch her when something comes over him. [hands up] He [O'Donet here looks out window and shoves hat over Count's head; Count walks around in ridicu- lous manner] Damn it! O'D. [Laughing] Ha! ha! 10' A SOFT SNAP. Act I. Count [At hotel] I get er you! I [enter Colonel; bus. in getting hat off. Col. Well, Count, I see you are dressed for the Mardi Gras. Nice disguise, no one would know you. Count [Angry] Ze Irishman — I kill er him! [Isabella screams; laughter heard; enter girls;Count bows] Ah, ze charraont young ladies. Iss. Why, girls where have you been? I've been looking for you everywhere. Belle Auntie, we had the nicest time. Didn't we girls? Girls Oh, delightful! [enter O'Donet; bus. with Count] O'D. The giddy, giddy creatures. [Belle throws something at ODonet and laughs; Clara throws a flower at Count and the Count is about to laugh when he catches the eye of Isabella and stops; the other two girls go to Isabella] Col. What have you been doing, young ladies? Belle Been strolling down the beach, [placing arms about Colonel's neck] The Count taught us a few steps this morning, and we've been practicing at the pavilion, [dancing a few steps] Col. [To Count] How dare you, sir, instruct these ladies to dance without my permission, [angry] I won't have it! I — I O'D. Give him a soaker for me. Colonel. Count I beg er ze pardon. Monsieur Colonel. Ze young lady ask er me to show her how to dance. I like to be polite, eare, so I show her ze dazant — Iss. That's right Chas — I heard Belle ask — Clara Oh its nothing, Nunky. Belle [Kissing Colonel on head] What a silly old Daddy. Ann. Why it's nothing, [kicks and all duck heads] It's fine, [dance] O'D. A poem of motion. Belle [Stiff] Thank you. Col. Young ladies, you should first tell me of these things. [tr) Count] I'll excuse* you, Count. O'D. 80 will I, Count. Iss. Do not leave me. Count. Remain. Count [Bowing] Do not fear, dear lady, I will be er with you always, [pointing to O'Donet] I will kill er ze gentleman. Iss, [Holding Count] No, no, spare his life! O'D. Yes, spare my life, dear Couut, and when the ladies leave I'll throw you in the bay. [noise heard in the hotel] Clara [Excited] I wonder what the noise is? Do you hear it, IVIr. O'Donet? O'D. Do you think my ears are filled with cotton, Miss Mason? Lulu [Excited] I think some one is having a fight, [voice heard to say. Fire! fire! murder! murder! thief! thief!] Col. Must be a fire, [excited] The hotel is on fire. Belle All my things will be burnt up. Save me, Mr. O'Donet. JFalls into O'Donet's arms] Ann. And mine. too. [falls into O'Donet's arms] Girls [Scream and fall in the Colonel's arm] O'D. [Holding girls] Say, Frenchy, bring the bay up and I'll put the fire out. Act I. A SOFT SNAP. 11 Iss. [Tragic] Count, my dear little monkey will be burnt up. Save him. [falls in Count's arms] Count [Placing Isabella on settee] You have er me life, benutiful lady. I will save er ze monk, [starting for hotel] Show me ze room, [on step] I — I [enter two tramps in a rush. Ist tramp — A. Tired Feeling; 2d tramp, A. Weary Thought; upset Count; bus.] 1st T. -ave nie, 1 have been robbed, — [all recover and listen] 2d T. Here in hrnad daylight, Ive l>een robbed, — [All crowd around them] Ist T. I was reading in my room and had reclined to take a nap on my sofa, — 2d T. When all at once I heard a noise, — [All become excited] Ist T. And before I could get up, some one ran in my room, — 2d T. Seized my watch took all the money out of my vest, — 1st T, And dropped these pants, [both weep, bus,] Iss. Horrible! horrible! Col. Did you see him? Can you describe him? Belle Which way did he go? Clara Did he have a moustache? Ann, Was he a blonde or brunette? Lulu Was he handsome, [bus. of tramps looking from one to the other] O'D, [To 1st T.] Say, young fellow, which way did he go? Count [To 2d T,] Show him to me, I kill er ze man. Ist T, [Excited] I have been robbed of all I had, 2d T, Even took my last best suit. Both We shall seek the police. 1st T, I have been robbed, I say, 2d T. And I think I know who it was, [all cf owd around] All Who? Ist T, [Looking around] Sh! sh! 2d T, [Walks to front on tiptoe, all follow] Do you see these pants? [holds them up; business of Ist Tramp going through the Colonel's pockets] All Yes, go on. Ist T. [Very mysterious] These pants fit, fiit — 2d T. A man, |bus.] All Oh! [walking away] Ist T. I think he must have taken them from some of your rooms. [all shake heads] 2d T. [To Colonel] Are they yours, sir? Col. No sir, not mine, Ist T, [To Count] Are they yours? O'D, No, he has only one pair. 2d T, [To Isabella] Are they Iss. [Screams] You horrid, horrid man! Girls [All scream; Little Johnnie enters and stands on hotel steps] T.'s Then they are mine, mine! [hugging pants] John. Sieze those men! T.'s There he is now. IS A SOFT SNAP. Act II. John. Not much, [coming down] I'm little Johnnie, the prodigy of Ye Mullberry Inn. Col. Sieze him, I've been robbed! [all make a rugh for them; music; the two Tramps rush in hotel; all follow; then out win- dow; Little Johnnie, r, Count, c, and O'Donet, l, stick heads out window at same time; sash fall? and holds them; bus. in squeezing the Count] Ist T. We curse 3 ou, we do, so we do. 2d T. We've been treated cruelly. Both And we will never work again, [weep bus.] Tra la la. Tra la la. [bus. at window, Count, O'Donet and Colonel] Ge zoot! CURTAIN ACT II. [jAil discovered shucking corn; singing, instruments lying near themj Iss. Why, Charles, I never knew you could sing? Col. [Laughing] Ha! ha! ha! Me? I can't sing. It was the Count or Mr. O'Donet. Count [Rising] No, ladies, I am afraid you er poke fun at me. Belle It was Mr. O'Donet. O'D. I admit it was all me. [rising] John. [Rising] Making the noise, [coming front] Ladies, if you wish to know [bus.] I did the singing. O'D. Yes, sing-singing, [bus.] Clara [Pail in hand] Who's going with me? [all make a rush for her] Now, I don't need everybody, [bus.] Lulu Yes, two can carry the pail. Ann. And we will stay here. Col. Never mind, all can go. I'll look after things. O'O. Well, Colonel, if you remain I'll stay and keep you company. John. [All rush back] They're off ! [all exit with a rush] for Gutten- water. [Exit Col. [Looking off l] Jolly set, that, [waving hand] O'D. The kind I like. Col. [Coming down c with O'Donet] I haven't heard anything more of the Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transportation Company. Anything the matter with it? O'D. Oh, no. Everything is sailing fine, [aside] And it's only good for sailing, [aloud] have some improvements under contem- plation now. Col. [Rubbing hands] That's good! that's good! Keep it up and we will make something out of it. O'D. [aside] Yes, a fish pond. [aloud] Whose place is this, Colonel? [looking around] Col. It belongs to the management of Ye Mullberry Inn. Sort of a truck farm, I believe, for the hotel. O'D. [Walking to well and leaning against it] Raise everything here I judge? Act II. A SOFT SNAP. 13 Col. Yes. that old well is nearly filled with corn. Sort of a bin. O'D. Corn? [looking downl How does he get it out? Col. It has an underground connection, I believe. Seems from all I can learn, the place once belonged to some moonshiners, [enter Count from l] Count Excuse er me, gentlemen, but ze charmont ladies ask er me to go to the locomotif station and get er some boxes left there this morning. O'D. You know where they are. don't you? Count Yes, but ze charmont ladies said you will go with me and help er carry ze things. Col. Now you see what it is, Mr. O'Ddnet, to be popular, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! O'D. Well. I expect I'll have to go. Count [Stiff] Yes sare, it is von honar. Col. [Walking back with Count and O'Donet] Don't mind me gen- tlemen. I will amuse myself until you return. Count [Walking off] Bon jour. Monsieur. [O'Donet shoves Count off; bus.] O'D. Ruse voir, Colonel. Resevoir. [exit following; bus.] Col. [Looking off laughing] Ha! ha! ha! How I wish I had that pair in Texas, [walking down] What a fine thing I'd have to draw to. [comes front and sings song] At last I have a chance to read my letter, [sits] Those girls, those girls. Why tl: ey don't give me time to eat, hardly — but it's just like girls, you can't expect anything better, [opening letter] Nothing would do but I must bring them to Muggles Bay to have a nice time, they come and they've had it. [reads] Colonel Charles Pen- nefather, Ye Mullberry Inn, Muggles Bay. Dear sir: — Will advise you by wire on the 16th about the Muggles Bay busi- ness, [aloud] Why that's to-morrow, [readsj But to be on the safe side do not take any more stock, [aloud] Just like my brother; he thinks everything of this kind no good, [reads] Would suggest that you return upon receipt of wire — we need you here. Texas is on a boom, [aloud, rising] That's good news, but I expect the girls won't like it much. Well, I've invited all their friends to come so I think they can stand it, [walking back and looking off] Have a Muggles Bay at home. I wonder if it takes everybody this long to find water? [walk- ing off] I must hurry them. This air business, [lost exit l] [Tramps stick their heads out well, look about in peculiar manner and then down well; bus.] Isi T. I don't like to sleep on corn, it's too risky. 2d T, I do, it makes me whiskey, [both jump out, bus.] Ist T. [Walking around] It looks like a picnic. 2d T. [Opening basket] Its a soft snap. [bus. eating; noise heard off; both become frightened and fall in each other arms] Both [Standing A noise! 1st T. [Looking up in flies] 'Twas the wind. 2d T. I only wish it was the wind, [wine] 1st T. [Walking around in quick way; business] 2d T. [Stopping him I Do not exerciiie that way, it will hurt you. U A 80FT SNAP. • Act II. Ist T. This is the labor movement. [both do the labor movement opposite; circle about and come down front for song, "'A Soft Snap;" then each takes off shoes and lays them side by side in centre of stage and fasten strings from scenery] 1st T. [Walking back and looking off] Footsteps approach! [the shoes of both comes to them; bus.] Conceal thyself, Weary Thought, [hands ragged coat, bus. J 2d T. And thou the same. thou Tired Feeling, [bus. in handing his coat: both put shoes on; each take a half of tuck plank, hang it across top of well; close tight in centre. Dive over well, through well and after whole business dive down well; plank closes again; enter O'Donet with two small boxes] O'D. [Looking off ] I see the Colonel got tired waiting — if he waits for that Muggles Bay Transportation Co. to develop, he'll get very tired, [coming down] It's been water too long to be any- thing else, [throwing boxes on seat] Two feet more water since I sold him the stock, [laughing] Ha! ha! ha! That crazy Frenchman, if he waits for that other little box, he'll want to fight it ze duel, when he sees it. [bus. with boxes] I'd be kind and take two and he would only have one [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! [rising] If he can only live till he gets here, [noise heard off] and let the Colonel see him. [noise heard and Count enters laboring with very large box] Count You play er me ze great trick, [wiping face] O'D. I know you found the parcel light. [Count tries to unloosen box and it pulls him flat on seat] Count [With thud] Yes, very light. Q'D. Now it is, [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! [Count has untied box and laughing comes down front and he and O'Donet sing; enter Girls. Colonel, Isabella and Little Johnnie] Belle [To O'Donet] We got the water. [Count walks to Isabella.] Col, They had forgotten all about the water, Mr. O'Donet. I found them looking for bird's eggs. O'D. Did they find any? Ann. [Looking in pail] Why, Nunky, there is no water in the pail, [bus. with Count and Isabella] las. Count Victor and myself can bring some. Col. Never mind, Isabella — we won't have time. Count [To Colonel bowing] Have er been speaking to your charmont sister — Iss. Yes, Charles, the count has consented to recite some of the sec- ond act of his grand play. O'D. Count there are no doctors here. Count [Very indignant] Sare! [bus. with Isabella and Count] Col. Remember your age, Isabella. Iss. [Taking seat] This is what it is to be single, Count [sighing] Ah me! [All make a rush for her; bus.] Count [On knees] Ze charmont lady I have er nothing but my grand er play and this poor little heart. [Arises indignant.] O'D. [Kneeling on other side] Accept me, I own the — John [In front] Have a cracker. '^'" ^^^ A SOFT SNAP. j^ '"■ tto='r^ 00^- oiir""^ '-'^'^^ ''-'' "^^0 -' °f -" -'^'b<'"»] I« evervthing ready Om.nt pR • ri^ has promised to recite his play fo,' us. ^' Count [Bow,rg.] Yes >t ,s very fine, kill er flfte'en men in ze first "'"■ 'Fr^'m^bTctlurr •^" '''''' "^ -">-e-earrya ' Lnminf ^ rT V°" ''° ''■' ■'"" ^"^ «'■''"'' >"'"''^- I &<=' er ze com- K nTremenSfZd'""""'"] J ""' F"' "' y" '"^ies and gentietnen the third scene of the second act where the viUian is ZC'tVelhrf ."t- ^,^""S,' ^"^ yo" hate trke'h Mom me! Wretch! but I will er have er my revenge You it ' rr ri!'i ™;i'^«.."."''^ ' "^"^ - ".- er yZ not™ i"fbel,l^""b 's nr' "' ^« "'r. ' -ve eVze^d v!^ L oVk^ t' 1 aneila bus.j She er must er be my wife. [Isabella ulaces kfe "ze r-^ M T*^^" IF^dling ba^k] You shoot er me doTi UKe er ze dog— Me! ze only man she ever loved! fPullinff out handkerchief] This is too much er for me. [Rain fa] "vLps Iss, to die [bull Ah! [Pistoi sho .] V v God- rStaleri/.T"? am er shot. [Bus. of Isabella] If 1 "can er but refo «' .e am'^^ve Tst"'''°"'\'-^ V '^l ""'^ reach erzehoi'sel s^n he wh.r ^^'^ "« '" ^*" "'"^ '^"'1 t" head.] I will er soon be where you can not er reach er me. fMountine well I I [fall Tn vv^lTb ^^T^ K^"" ^,^''y y""- [Steps rpllnkj clea pT.ic *" '^^ to we,^ look over, having front sidi cieai J^ lag comes up "They're off" neck"] ^ ^ ' """' ^'^' ^°""^- f^^g "N^^l^ ^"d [Tramps drag in Count from back; his clothes are all torn, hat , smashed in and very delapidated] Trms'^^wi" ^P"T. ^^"'-'^ ^^^^^"^ f^i"*« i^ Count's arms, Colonel makes rush for tramps and they dive down well] QUICK CURTAIN. ACT III. Isabella discovered .eated on settee, asleep aad snoring horribly, with book in her lap and parasol over her head; enter girls on tiptoe Girls [bus.] Sh Belle Say, girls, [looking around] won't Auntie give us the mischief? LsnoreJ Lulu I don't care if she does, [snore] 16 A SOFT SNAP. • Act III Clara I'm so sorry we have to go home, [snore] Ann. I wonder whei'e Auntie is? Belle Let's find her. [looking ai-ound] Sh I'll bet she's with the Count. Girls Sh Sh [all tiptoe front, Belle in the lead and when they hear her snore, laugh] Girls Sh Sh [bus.] Belle How she snores. Clara What a noise! Ann. Horrible! [noise heard off ] Lulu What's that? [bus.] Belle [Walking back and looking off] Say, girls, it's the Count! [all run to her] He's coming this way. Clara Where can we hide? Lulu [Running to hotel] Here! Quick! [all hide; Isabella lets book fall from lap on floor at her feet; enter CountJ Count [At back] Ah, ze charmont ladies, I think 1 hear er them smile, [walking front] I hear er ze noise, [snore] I cannot think it is. [snore] Ah! [perceiving Isabella and placing finger to nose] Ze beautiful vision! Charmont! Devine! [snore] Ah, such er ze gr.iceful pose, [snore] Such er eyes and such er nose, [snore] Little bitsy feet. [Isabella shoves foot out* And such er ze beautiful mnuth. Ah, 1 have er ze thought! Grand! I kiss er ze aunt! She is er ze sleepy [snore] and make er love me. [laughter from girls] Ah! [l)us. looking around] I must er be er mistaken, [tiptoes back to fronlj O'l). [Entering with Colonel] The thing is [perceives Count and stops] Count [Looking at Isabella] One divine kiss, [tiptoes to Isabella] O'D. [Aside] Frenchy is up to some of his tricks, [to Colonel] Come, Colonel, [tiptoe to hotel and look out window] Count [Bending over Isabella] Now or never, [snore] Sweet lady, [stoops to kiss her; all from hotel cry, ''Ah!" Count looks up] Ze same er noise, [snore] Ah! [looking at Isabella] Ze beautiful lady, [stoops again' to kiss her and all cry, "Ah!" Count looks up stage] That er ze funny, [then back to Isabella; all from hotel enter on tiptoe] It is ze wind, [stoops to kiss Isabella again but she awakes; Count picks book up from floor in time and hands it to Isabella; bus.] Allow me, dear lady, [bus. with all; "Oh!" and take places] Ah! [looking up] Ze ladies and gentlemen; [bowing] just in time, just in time. O'D. Right you are. Col. [Laughing] Yes, just in time. Iss. [Rising] Why I really believe I've been asleep. Belle I really believe you have, [to rest] Wasn't she? Clara I should think she was! Col. And snoring, too. Iss. [Indignant] I snore? Why^ Charles, how could you say such a thing? I never snore. Belle Only when you are asleep, Auntie. Count Yes, ze beautiful sleep. I Act III A SOFT SNAP. 17 Iscs. Why, Belle! Col. [To Isabella] Have any telegrams come for me Isabella? Iss. I haven't seen any, Charles. Col. You all had better be getting ready, the boat will be here in a few minutes. O'D. [Looking av watch] Oh there's plenty of time, Colonel. Count [To Colonel] I have er ze idea. Iss. [Pleased] Let's have it, dear Count. Count [BowiugJ That is er ze reason I come here. [buF.] Ze pro- prietor wishes to know if you like er some fruit for ze lunch, [enter Little .Johnnie with basket] John. Hello girls! [all rush to him] Not so fast, [backing back] Iss. [Coming up to Johnnie] Never! Never address us young ladies that way again, [bus.] Ann. Just because you know us for two weeks, [bus.] don't think we belong to you. John. [Pushing them away] I didn't mean anything. Sure enough, I don't mean anythmg. You look so sweet this morning. [All look pleased] Belle Now, Johnnie. Ann. Yes. Johnnie, we L. J. How do you get your lips so red, paint em? [bus.] Clara Sir how dare you — Ann. Yes how dare you — Count Wait — I kill er him. Col. [In front of Count.] What have you got Johnnie? [looking in basket] Something to eat? L. J. Yes, tripe, [to girls] Do you like tripe girls? Girls [Advancing] Sir! L. J. Well if you do you can take some with you me. [holds up tripe] You see this is funny tripe, [throws it on floor] When I sing it will follow me. [sings and tripe follows him in hotel; looking out window] I'll leave you a piece, [throws piece on settee] Tra la la girls take care of yourselves, [exit.] Girls You horrid thing, [follows him in hotel.] Col. Have some tripe, Isabella. O'D. Help yourself, Count. Count Sare! Col. [At hotel.] You had better get ready, Isabella. Come on, Mr. O'Donet. [exit in hotel.] O'D. [To Count.] Don't forget your pants, Frenchy [exit.] Iss. I hate you! [following] Don't mind him, Count, [about to go in when Count detains her; bus.] Count Dear charmont, Isabella. Iss. [Aside.] I wonder if he will propose, [aloud] Count did you speak. Count [Taking her hand.] I have er something to tell er you. [leads her to settee, L. J. looks out window, bus. with tripe.] Some thing I have er wish er to tell you a long time, [on knees] I love you. [through this speech bus- with knocking tripe away, L. J. hangs it over Count's head] I love er you. [knocks] I love er you with er my whole little heart, [knocks] Will you be er 18 A SOFT SNAP. • Act III mine. [bus. with tripe — damn or ze tripe] Will you er be m-- sweetheart — ray sweet liitle wife, [rising.] Is8. Count, this is so sudden, my heart has never beat so before. [placing hand to heart.] Will you ask my brother I am so un- sophisticated. Count [Taking handj I love er you like er ze mocking bird love er ze pegeon, [bus] no, I mean er ze pegeon ze mocking bird. I love er you —say just de von little word. Iss. [Aside.] A.t last! What joy! What ecstasy! [aloud] I suppose I can't refuse you I am yours. [Sinks on his neck; bus.] Count [Aside] Ah. I got er her now. [aloud] You will always love er me? Iss. [Raises head, sighs and throws arms around his neck; bus.] Always! Ct«unt [Mak ng face] I must ask er her — now is ze time, [puts false lips on mouth; bus.] Will you give me von little kiss. Iss. [Raising head.] How can you, Count? Count [Aside] Yes, how can E. [aloud ] Only one little bitsy kiss. Iss. [Aside.] Oh such ecstasy, [feels Counts mjuth, bus.] I must shut my eyes, [aloud.] You can have one. Count, only one. holds up mouth; [L. .T. hangs tripe over their heads; bus., lets it drop and they kiss it; bus., both get up from seat; bus.] Count [Angry] That er damn tripe again, [both rush in hotel.] Note — From this point the day can begin to fade very slowly and soft music can be heard from the hotel, waiters cross to and fro. Enter Tramps suddenly: bus. 1st T. Do you see anything to eat? 2d T. (Walking to hoteQ Nothing, not even sawdust. 1st T. I can't stand this much longer. I long to rush the growler. 2d T. We need a change of climate. 1st T. [To settee.] They want a man to work here, [sits, bus.l 2d T. [Seeing tripe] Food at last! [holding up tripe.] 1st T. Euchre, [eureka.] 2d T. It's tripe, [disgusted.] 1st T. I pass, bus.; [both try to eat it.] 2d T. Take a hand. [They try to break it but it stretches, they put it between knees, back to back and try again, when they have stretched about ten feet let go and knocks them both over, bug] Ist T. That's a snap, [looking at tripe.] 2d T. Yes a soft snap, [noise heard.] ., ,, Both Again to sedusion. [hide.] ^ ' ',' Enters Belle on hotel steps. Bell These girls are too slow for anything, [coming down] and there's that Mr. O'Donet, he giyes one no rest, [music starts] al- ways asking me to love him. [stamping foot] Well I won't that's all. [bus., song, at close of song, enter O'Donet from hotel.] O'D. [Holding her, bus.] There's no use, I've got your father's con- sent and you will have to be mine. Act III A SOFT SNAP. 19 B>.41e [Breaking way] How about mine, [at hotel stepsj O'D. [Following] Now, I know you won't r fuse, will you? [bus.] Belle Wait until you get to Texas and I'll tell you [exit in hotelj O'D. I leally love that girl, [enter messenger boy] Mes. Iz yer de Kurnel? [to O'Donet] O'D. Message? [reaches for it] Mes. Iz yer de Kurnel? O'D. [Going to hotel] Wait and I'll get him for you. [exit in hotel] Enter Tramps; pantomine with messenger boy. T.'s Message? [both hold out hands] Mes. Go on wid yers. [both at side] Iz yer de Kurnel? 1st T. This is the Colonel, [pointing to 2d Tramp] and I. [pointing to himself] Mes. Police! [both tramps disappear; enter Colonel] Col. Message for me, young man. [Coming down] Mes. Iz yer de Kurnel? Col. Yes, Colonel Pennefather. [takes message; exit boy] I hope the Air business is all right, [opens message; bus] Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transportation Co. — no good — plenty of air and water — standing depth — eight feet — good for oyster bed, Henry, [bus] Have I been sucked in again? Me, Colonel Chas. Pennefather? Well, I'll be blowed! And O'Donet has my consent to marry Belle and will leave for Texas in a few minutes at my request, [kicking himself] This is what I get for speculating. I'll stay home after this, I'm too soft a snap to wander alone. Yes, there's millions in it.] entering hotel] Yes, crabs, [exit; enter tramps] We are saved, [embrace] In a few short moments we sail for Texas — the land of pl'enty. [Walking back and looking off.] She's leaving the landing now. [Hand to stomach.] Sit still my heart. Will be on water at last. But not in it. [Bus.] To work and pack up. Yes our thoughts. The lights her© are lit, lantern stretched across lawn, etc, enter all from hotel, Colonel last with wraps, shawls, etc., and stands on steps. Col. Are you all ready. O'D. Yes everything is ready and a nice sail before we reach the steamer. Col. Right over the Muggles Bay Improvement and Air Transpor- tation Co., I'll catch the sign as I pass O'Donet. [laughs] Ha! ha! ha! O'D. I haven't yet cashed the check Col. Col. Turn it over to Belle. [Boat heard to whistle, then the electric dance, after dance the boat is seen to heave too. Every- body rushes to boat.] Capt. Any body for Texas. T.'s 1st T. 2dT. IstT. 2dT. IstT. 2dT. IstT. ^0 A SOFT SNAP. Act lH Col. Well I reckon, [all get on board, the tramps rush in just as the boat leaves.] T'ps. Two more gentlemen please. Count Float out on ze tide. O'D. Come in on the wind. John. Swim out — plenty of water. Col. Yes take the water its a soft snap. T.'s [Falling in each others arms] Dumped! Coldly dumped! [bus.] CURTAIN. COSTUMES. COUNT VICTOR DE B RACE UP-Dark gray clav worsted suit: long trook coat and double-breasted vest; black "shoes and soft gray hat. Act IL— Sack coat, Pepper and salt; low neck neglige shirt; brown leather belt; straw hat; tan shoes; a pair of German linen pants, white, mixed with a little blue— during exit for boxes change for specialty. Act IIL— Silk hat; long, fouz-button, black trock coat; light gray pants and patent leather shoes, with white over gaters. Change for Electric dance. MIKE O'DONET-Act I -Light gray business suit; straw hat; tan shoes. Act II.— Neglige shirt; gray yacht cap; black sack coat- dark b ue pants; tan shoes; black leather belt— during exit for boxes change for specialty. Act III.— Long black cutaway coat- black pants; patent leather shoes; black derby; then costume for Kilectric dance. COLONEL CHARLES PENNEFATHER-Act /-Solid suit of white linen; white panama hat, wide brim and roll; black shoes- puff bosom shirt; wear vest open throughout the act, button on last button. Act I.— Linen duster; straw hat; black vest and pants- puff bosom shirt, not open as in Act L Act IIL— Old style black Prince Albert suit, neat; vest open; black, soft felt hat. ,^ , in^';Ughout acts wears his hair rather long, wavy and gray. MAILMAN— Regular mail service suit.. ^' •> ^ ^ TRAMPS— The most ridiculous shabby suits possible; skeleton coats- rags. ' MESSENGER BOY — Ordinary messenger service suit. LITTLE JOHNNIE— Act I— Brown sack suit. Act II.— Gray Norfolk jacket; white pants; tan shoes; straw hat. Act III —Blue pants; shirt sleeves rolled up to elbows; no coat or vest; slouch hat. Then change for Electric dance. ISABELLA LANSING— Act I.— Very eccentric bathing suit. Next change, double tucked skirt, rather gay; very eccentric stylish bon- net, with large bow of gay ribbon; red parasol, gay. Act II -Very eccentric seaside outing costume, cap,etc.; blue. Act IIL— White dress.; long- tailed sack, like a man's coat; vest, collar, tie, etc.- white parasol. ^^oH./^^^^'N^' ALICE FIELDING, CLARA MASON and BELLE PENNEFATHER-Act I.-Solid white Empire gowns of of some soft material (silk); white shoes and white silk tights; neat white bonnets; underskirts, etc., with profusion of lace; Ihis costume to be very stylish and neat. Act II. Belle, full red dress, gay; red stockings, shoes, hat, etc. and parasol. Lulu, lavander. Alice, yellow. Clara, rose color. Empire gowns, very neat and plain; silk shoes to match, also umbrellas. Act III —AH wear blue sailor suits; cap and parasol; everything to match; black shoes. Then change for electric dance. STAGE SETTING. ACT I. Seaside — Horrison drop back. Set bath house, 4th groove c> marked on back, '-Baths, 25c." Table and bench, r, 2d entrance- Set hotel with steps 2d groove, l 2d entrance. Bench or settee, 1st entrance, l, under hotel window. Sign hanging, "Ye Mnllberry Inn." ACT II. Garden Scene — Landscape drop back; white painted picket fence, 4th groove. Open gate. Corn piled c r. Bench or settee, r o. Set house, r, 2d entrance. Set well, l, 2d entrence. ACT III. Same as Act I. Representing lawn with ba}'' instead of beach* Bath house removed, and Chinese lanterns huug ail over grounds' lit by electric globes. Boat landing seen. PROPERTIES. ACT I — Paper for Count. Whistle, lettters and bag for Mail- man. Pair of pants for TramT)s. Silk hat for O'Donet. ACT II — ^^Pail for Clara. Corn for quartette. Letter for Colonel. Two small paper boxes for O'Donet. One large box for Count. Cracker for Johnnie. Tricky plank for Tramps. Pistol shot for Count. Flags for well. Corn for Tramps. ACT III — Book for Isabella. Basket and tripe for Johnnie. Watch for O'Donet. False lips for Count. Message for boy. Whistle of boat. Wraps for Colonel. Effects for Electric Dance. Music for hotel. OT^gdaiHiitr»it>Wflia3BW6ffWftWWimeflKXBIVM!^^ .11