PR 5097 mpd. l?reKka;:i'.'a^''"'^^ xh' M^ -TQ FUtMii t»arsol a Drunkard t-iile..l,- Copy 1 ""— ^' No. XLIV THE MINOR DR THE TWO BOWNYCi la. £axtt. N ONE A01 BY JOHN MADDISON MOE tVITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST i ACTERS, COSTUMES, RELATI VE,;^OS x Is ETC. NEW YORK: 8AMU33L FIIEN< 122 Nassau Stkbet, ;Up Stairs '• llC»Ogrra,ii.> BOOKS EVERY AMATEUR SHOULI JKITEUR'S GUIDE ; or, How to Get np Home Theatnods and ti Laws, Selected Scenes, Playa and other nseful inlormatioa for Amatei GUIDE TO THE STAGE. 15 cents. ART OF AC Anything on this cover sent by rnail on receip iK INCH'S STANDARD DRAMA Price 1 5 Cents each.— Bound Volumes $1. 25. the Heartache issuranoe • Pay il«men ofVeroMa ov^ Wife or. V. [Debts (Vaj t ature' s Nobleman ^ardanapaius iTilizatioQ 103 The Robbers iO i Katharint and Petruchlo VOL. XIV. 105 Game of Love 106 Midsummer Night's 107 Ernestine (Dream 108 Rag Picker of Paris 109 Flying Dutchman 110 Hypocrite 111 Therese 112 La Tour de Nesle VOL. XV. 113 Ireland As It Is 114 Sea of Ice 115 Seven Clerks 116 Game of Life 117 Forty Thieves 118 Bryan Boroihme 119 Romance and Reality 120 Ugolino VOL. XVL 121 The Tempest 122 The Pilot 123 Carpenter of Rouen 124 King' 8 Rival pdstate ihKigh Night onir Co ant of Venice ;adsi Young Hearts .aiaeers (riage Weeks after Mar' VOL. IX. . and Countrj L«ar Devils VOL. X. 7 VIII fed and Single ■y IV IPry Mannering ethearts and Wives !ous Family ' Stoops to Conquer 127 Pa I and Guardians VOL. XVII 129 Camille 130 Married Life 131 Wenlock of Wenlock 132 Rose of Ettrickvale 133 David Copperfield 134 Aline, or the Rose of 135 Pauline [Killamcy 136 Jane Eyre VOL. XVIIL 137 Night and Morning 138.£thiop 139 Three Guardsmen 140 Tom Cringle 141 Heuriette, the Forsaken 142 Eustache Baudin 143 Ernest Maltravers 144 Bold Dragoons VOL. XII. 145 Dred, or the Dismal ; Swamp 146 Last Days of Pompeii 147 Esmeralda 148 Peter Wilkins 149 Ben the Boatswain 150 Jonathan Bradford 151 Retribution 152 Mineral! VOL. XX. 153 French Spy 154 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 155 Evil Genius 156 Ben Bolt 157 Sailor of Franca 158 Red Mask 159 Life of an Actress 160 Wedding Day VOL. XXI. 161 All's Fair in Love 162 Hofer 163 Self 164 Cinderella 165 PbaDIom 166 Franklin 167 The Gun 168 The Love of a Prince VOL. XXII. 169 Son of the Night nORory O'More 171 Golden Eagle 172 Rienii 173 Broken Sword 174 Rip Van Winkle 175 IsabeUe ^ 176 Heart of Mid Lothian VOL. XXIII. 177 Actress of Padua 178 Floating Beacon 179 Bride of Lamermoor 180 Cataract of the Gangei 181 Robber of '^he Rhine 182 School of Reform 183 WaDdering3oys 184Maieppa X VOL. XXIV. 185 Young New York 186 The Victim! 187 Romance after Marriage 188 Brigand 189 Poor of New York 190 Ambrose Gwinett 191 Raymond and Agnes 192 Gambler s Fate VOL. XXV. 193 Father and Son 194 Massaniello 195 Si«een String Jack 196 Youthful Queen 197 Skeleton Witness 198 Innkeeper of Abbeville 199 Miller and his Men •200 Aladdin VOL. XXVI. 201 Adrienne the Actress 202 Undine '203 Jessie Brown 204 Asmodeus 205 Mormons '206 Blanche of Brandywine 207 Viola 208 Deseret Deserted VOL. XXVII. 209 Americans in Paris 210 Victorine 211 Wizard of the Wavs 212 Castle Spectre 213 Horse-shoe Robinson 214 Armand, Mrs Mowatt 215 Fashion, Mrs Mowatt 216 Glance at New York VOL. XXVIII. 217 Inconstant 218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 219 Guide to the Stage 220 Veteran 221 Millerof New Jersey 222 Dark Hour before Dawn 223 Midsum'r Night's Dream Keena's Edition 224 J : and VOL. XXIX 225 Poor Youiig Man 226 Ossawattomie Brown 227 Pope of Rome 228 Oliver Twist 229 Pauvrette 230 Man in the Iron Mask 231 Knight of Arva 232 Moll Pitcher VOL. XXX. 233 Black Eyed Susan '234 Satan in Paris Meadows |ess 236 West End, or Irish Heir- ■2.17 Six Degrees of Crime 238 The Laiy and the Devil ■ ger.orMoorof hici- 240 Masks aud Faces lly iCatalague continued on third page of cover.) VOL. XXXI. 241 Merry Wivenof Windsor 242 Mary s Birthday 243 Shandy Maguire •244 Wild Oats 245 Michael Erie 246 Idiot Witness 247 M-iilow Copse 248 People's Lawyer VOL. XXXII. 249 The Boy Martyrs 250 Lucretia Borgia '251 Surgeon of Paris 252 Patrician's Daughter 253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 254 Momentous Question 255 Love and Loyalty 356 Robber's Wife VOL. XXXIII. 257 Dumb Girl of Genoa 258 Wreck Ashore 259 Clari 260 Rural Felicity 261 Wallace 262 Madelaine 263 The Fireman 264 Grist to the Mill VOL. XXX1\. 265 Two Loves and a Life 266 Annie Blake 267 Steward 263 Captain Kyd 269 Nick of the Woods 270 Marble Heart 271 Second Love 27a Dream at Sea "" VOL. XXXV. 273 Breach of Promis* 274 Review 275 Lady of the Lake 276 Still Water Runa Deep 277 The Scholar 278 Helping Hands 279 Faust and Marguerite 280 Last Man VOL. XXXVI. 281 Belle's Stratagem 282 Old and Young 283 Raffaella 284 Ruth Oakley 285 British Slave 386 A Life's Ransom 287 Giralda 388 Time Tries All VOL. XXXVII. 289 Ella Rosenburg 290 Warlock of the Glen 291 Zelina 292 Beatrice 293 Neighbor Jackwood 294 Wonder 295 Robert Emmet 396 Green Bushes VOL. x.^rvjil 297 Flowers of the Forest 298 A Bachelor of ArU •299 The Midnight Banquet 300 Husband of an Hour ?01 Love's Labor Lost 302 Naiad Queen 303 Caprice 304 Cradle of Liberty VOL. XXXIX. 305 The Lost Ship 306 Country Squire 307 Fraud and its VloUmi 308 Putnam 309 King and Deserter 310 La Fiammina 311 A Hard St uggle 312 Gwinnett/ Vaughan VOL. XL. 313 The Love Knot (Judge .314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 315 The Noble Heart 316Coriolanus The Winter's Tale 31 S Eveleen Wilson 319 Ivanhoe 320 Jonathan in England No. XL I v. THE MINOR DRAMA. EDITED BY F. C. WEMYSS. M TWO BONNYCASTLES; ^ iTane, IN ONE ACT, ? JOHN MADDISON MORTOH, N K W V U R K : S A M U E L F R E N C H, 12J. Nassau Strekt, (Up Staiks.) GIFT EST. OF J. H. CORNING JUNE 20. 1940 First performed at ike. Theatre Royal Haymarkt on Tuesday^ Novernher 11, 1851. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Bat/market Theatrt Bxrton,'* l/r. Smuggms Mr. Lambert. Mr. Rae. Mr. Jo^* /ivies Johnson . , Mr. Howe. Mr. Lestb«. *';;^!^l^f : ^^;^^.^:-^:- } Mr. Buckstone. Mr. Burxoh. Mrs. Bonnycastle Mrs. Buckingham. Miss M. Ti XMti. Helen, {Niece to Smuggins) . Miss A. Vining. Miss West.-. Patty Mrs. Caulfield. Mrs. Holhvn. Scene— Canterbvry. Time of Representation — Forty-five Minutes. COSTUMES. KXS, BONNYCASTLE— Scarlet dress, black cloak, and white bona?*. HELEN-Check silk dress. PATTY— Blue cotton gown. 8MUGK5INS— Black body-coat, and grey trowsers. JOHNSON— Black riding-jacket, white paletot, white waistcoat, «?J red plaid trowsers. BONNYCASTLE— Grey jacket, black waistcoat, and dark t^owsc^^. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Do^vi SL £. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; C. Centrt, C. D. Centre Door. REMARKS. f"HE name of Mortow, the author, 1 1 a sare stamp of excel* lence — and, although the play-goer m?v U-ace the incidents in half, fti^ozen other pieces, yet an auditor mus' be ill-natured who would look t.1 the plagiarism of a farce whicl ?' s made him laugh so heartily. The secret of Morton's succes? is, that he confines hia dramatis persona: to three, four, or fiv« hixrhcAcru, which are in general well drawn, and always played by actors of merit. To Provincial Managers, (whose receipts will nc t admit of superfluous salaries,) he is invaluable — supplying a library of one-aft pieeea of such droll construction, as to furnish an excelleni evening's performance, wanting only the aid of a female dancer and a comic dinger. The "Two Bonnycastles" will lose nothing in comparison wtth " Box and Cox," " Slasher and Crasher," or " The Unwarran- table Intrusion," and will be for the season one of the stock farces, whi '1, all who relish a good joke for the joke's sake, will avail Jems Ives of seeing. Never was a robbery upon the highway turned o so merry an account, or brought to such a satisfactory eonc'usi * and the authors friends may " let everybody know at thii little affair of the 'Two Bonnycastles' is capital g.ct' •—it's all right — Hurrah r P. c. w. THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. SCENE. — Office at Mr.. SmuggIns'. Entrance dooiS^ c, r 2 E, L. 2 E., and l. 3 e., a practicable balcony^ e. 3 e ; « large arwrcJiair, two tables and chairs^ high desk and stooi, J,, papers, ^c, lying on it; lighted amdles. Enter 'HEhEH, followed by Patty, at door R. 2. e. Hel. I say it's downright tyranny, and au unwarrantable nterference with the liberty of the subject. [ Walking about. Pat. {Following her.) So it is, miss ! But recoiiect Magna Charter, miss ! Remember you're a Briton, miss ! - and never, never, never, be a slave, miss. Hel. To be married against my will ! One would think Uncle Smuggins fancies himself in Turkey. Pat. And flatters himself he can do as the Turkeys do, but we'lLfihow him the contrary. Hel. Oh I Patty, Patty, what would you do if you were in such a situation '? Pat. Give warning directly, miss — I mean I'd say to Mr. Smuggins : Uncle Smuggins. sooner than marry your head clerk, Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, I'd rather — I'c -ather marry somebody else. Hel. Bv ''vo told him scores of times, but he^ eaf to all I say. Pat. Perhapo vou don't Jiollar — I'd make him hear, T warrant. Hel. Something must be done, Patty, to break off this hateful match, or I shall do someihing desperate, I'm sure I shall. Pat. So I would, miSs ; I'd marry the butcher ! I ivould •ay. the policeman, only he's been i'^oking down our are* THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. rather more thau usual lately ! But how is it, miss, t'jat your uncle, Mr. Srauggins, has taken such a violent fancy all of a sudden, to Mr. Jeremiah Jorurn, for a nephcw-in-law ? Hel. I'm sure I don't know, except that the odious crea- ture presented himself here about three weeks ago, saying that he was recommended for the vacant clerkship by a cer- tain Miss Clotilda Smirk, of Hatton Grarden, London, who it appears is one of Uncle Smuggins' principal clients, and no (sooner was he engaged to my uncle, than my uncle engaged him to me. Pat. And not without good reason, depend on it — it grieves me much to speak disrespectfully of your uncle. Mr. Smug- gins, but as he's a very clever man, and an ornament to the legal profession, he must put up with the consequences — it's my firm belief, miss, that he doesn't feel disposed to part with your little fortune, and therefore gip^es you iu marriage to Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, in order that he may keep possession of the money ! Hel. That's what I said to him yesterday. Uncle Smug gi"s. caid I, if it's the money you want, keep it, and marr> Mr. Jorum yourself! Pat. Nothing could be fairer. But take my advice, miss> insist on having every farthing of it, it may be u'-*ful in pay- ing the traveling expenses, in case you take it iut your head to run away some oi' these fine mornings. [ With (iitention. Hel. Run away ! Pat. Yes, I've heard that there's a certain youn^. man — Hel. Hush ! have you seen him ? Pat. Lor. miss, I never look at the young men. Hel. Nor do I ! I can't deny that there is a geiitleman who has lately followed me about wherever I go, like »uy shadow, and very handsome he is, too — the most elegant figure, the softest black eyes — not that I ever noticed him in the slightest way whatever. Pat So it seems. But if you hav'nt, John the gardener has — and he says he's sure the gentleman's m love with you. Hel. Tell John the gardener to uiiud his own business for the future, and if he can find out the gentleman's naiiiC — who he is — what he is — in short everything about him, I'll give him a guinea {Bell rings ) But there t my uncle's J>^V Smuggins. {Without, at back.) Patty, Patty. THE TWO BOr^P! i'CA^lLES. Pat Sir? Smug. Where's my wig? I can't find my wig It's sr!l right, I see it — it's on ray head. PaZ. Ha, ha ! it's lucky for master he hasn't to take his head ojQf at night, as well as his wig — he'd never know where to put his hand on it in the morning. Well, I must go. vaiss ; once more, show a proper spirit — remember your'e a Briton — and never, never, never be a slave. [Exit r. 2 e. Hel. I will show a proper spirit, at any rate I'll never marry Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, that I'm determined. it Patty's exit t/ie windoio is slowly opened^ and Johnsov looks in a7id listens. John. Hear, hear, hear ! Hel. {Seeing him and screaming ) Ha ! John. Hush ! {Jumps in at the window, looJcs cautiously round hhn, tJien suddenly and rapidly advances towards Helen-) Hd. Keep your distance, sir. {Retreating; aside) It's he. {Aloud) I repeat, sir, keep your distance, or I'll scream John. Hear me first, and scream afterwards ; but first let me apologize for introducing myself to you by thv- window, instead of the door — the fact is, I had so often measured the height of that balcony with my eye, that I could'nt resist the 'desire of testing the accuracy of my calculation. Hel. Indeed. Well, sir, since that was your only motive — {piqued.) John. My only motive ! Oh, madam, how little you know jne! By-the-bye, that reminds me that yoa ion't know me at all • Hel. I beg your pardon, sir ; I know you to be a bold and very forward person. John. Quite the reverse, ma'am ; a more timid, bashful creature doesn't exist. But time is precious— in a word, the first moment I beheld you — now three days and a half ago— I felt an inward conviction that we -were born for one another Perhaps the same idea occurred to you, ma'am. He. {A7igrily) No such thing, sir. John. I apoloi'ize ! Such being the state of my feelings, madam, it became absolutely necessary that you should kno\» 10 THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. them ; judge, then, of my delight, when I saw that wind(,w standing invitingly open. Love gave me courage — an apple- tree did the rest — and here I am ! Heo. But you can't remain here, sir, — indeed you can't. John. Very well, ma'am. I believe you saw me come into this room head first, through yonder window ? — if you'll be good enough to keep your eye on me, you'll see me go out of it in the same way. [Imitating the actioji of jumping headfirst. Hel. No ! don't he rash ; you might do yourself a mischief. John. I think it's more than probable I should— but what of that, since you are insensible to the flame that rages here ! {Striking his right breast ) I mean here. (Striking his left side ) I prefer a dislocated neck to a broken heart ; so, 4S I said before — here goes ! \ About to start to window. Hel. {Stopjnng him.) Stop ! John. Stop ? — if you insist upon it, certainly ! And as there's nothing makes the time pass so agreeably as an in- teresting subject of conversation — I'll talk to you about my- self ! My sirname is Johnson — my Christian names, John James ; add them together, and the result is, John James Johnson. My age is a little more than twenty-seven — my fortune a little less than nothing ; I profess the art of medi- cine, and hope in time to practice what I profess ! So much for my worldly advantages. My physical recommendations speak for themselves. So, now for my moral qualifications — don't be alarmed — they're few in number, so I shan't detain you long. In the first place, then, 1 seldom lose my temper, except when I get into a passion ; I never owe a shilling, because nobody will give me credit ; and I'm decidedly of a domestic turn of mind, as I don't happen to have a friend in the world. And now, ma'am, that you know the precise value of the article I offer for your acceptance, will you have me ? Say " Yes/' and I gain a treasure—say " No,"' and you lose one ! Hel. {Smiling.) Ha, ha, ha ! But if I were to say " yes" «>— you foiget one rather important feature — how are we to live? Johji. Live ? Why, live together, of course ! Hel. Ygu mean starve together ! Besides, my uncle wvl tever receive you as my suitor. 7.Vm. Why, as he hasn't the honcr of my acquaintance, if II THE TWO BONNYCaSTLES. I were to send my card up to him, saying that the gentleman in the hall wished to marry his niece, it's more than probable he'd request a little time to consider the proposal ; but, I pre- sume, your uncle, like the great majority of mankind, has get a nose — consequently may be led by it — at least, I've heard so. Hel. From whom ? John. From a friend of mine — one of his clients that 1 knew in London — a certain Miss Clotilda Smirk. Hel. Miss Smirk no longer ; she has lately married. John. I'm delighted to hear it ; for, between you and mc. I was afraid she had taken a fancy to me. And who's the victim — I mean the happy man ? Hel. I think my uncle said his name was Connycastle. Joh7i. Does your uncle know him ? Hel. No. Joh)i He has never seen him ? Hel. No ; but he says he rather expects him down here shortly, on business connected with Mrs. Bonnycastle's pro- perty. Joh7i. {Suddenly.) Egad ! I have it — ^yes, capital ! Hel. What? John. Nothing ; but if anything should occur in the course cf half an hour to make you open your eyes with astonish- ment, don't open your lips to say so. Ask no questions ; but rely on it, '4f you'll remember me," '' we may be happy yet." Hel. Happy ? Could you be happy, if you had to marrv a man you can't endure ? John. What's that 'I Have I got a rival 1 Hel. Yes — my uncle's head clerk. John The head clerk dies ! •^IIvl. No, no! Joh7i. Excuse me, I must kill him — indeed I must ! Bonnycastle. ( Without ) Very well, Mr. Smuggins, if you arc not satisfied, you had better go on your own errands your own self Hel. Here's some one coming — make haste, fly ! John. I'll soon be back — and as I said before • Hd. Never mind what you said before — go! John. Where? Ah, here I [Goes behi/ui tvindoto curtain, which lie draw% so as to conceal himself. iB THE THO BONNYCASTLES. Enter Bonnycastle, c, tvith a very large blue bag, very fuH of papers, and a quantity of papers stickmg oiUojf his pockets, and under each arm. Bon. {Turning and speaking off as he enters.) I repeat, you had better go on your own errands your own self. \Ad' tances to front ) I appeal to any one, is it possible for any man to display anything like agility in his movements with such a load as I have got distributed about me in various parts of my person ? What I say is this — if I'm to do the work of a London Parcels Delivery Company cart, let me have the privilege of that cart : gi?e me a horse to pull me about ! {Seeing Helen ) Ah ! Miss Helen, How dy'e do, Miss Helen ? You'll excuse my taking oflFmy hat, because I can't get at it. [ Trying to get his Jiand to his hat. Hel. You are loaded, indeed, Mr. Jorum ! Such a very hot day, too ! Bo?i. Hot ! I've been in such a dreadful state of perspira- tion, that I really thought I should have run all away. I did ask a highly respectable individual in the street, if he'd be kind enough to take my pocket handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe my forehead for me. He said he would ; and, what's more, he did — only he forgot to put the handkerchief back again. Hel. I presume those are papers of consequence ? Bon. Of the utmost importance — or I should have dropped them long ago. ^Jjets them all fall o?i tlie stage. Hel. What are you about, Mr. Jorum 1 You are smother- lag me with dust ? Bo7i. A thousand pardons ! I'll open the window. \Runs to window. Hel. (Anxiously ) No— never mind ! Bon. But I do mind! [Throwing ojoen curtains. Hel. {Looking; then aside.) lie's none \ Bon. {Throiving wiiidow open.) There ! It'll soon blow off— and, really, now I look at you, I assure you. your'e none go dusty ! . , ^ i 1 Hel. {Recovering herself.) I was afraid you might catch cold — that's all, Bon. Your'e very kind ; but pray, don't be alarmed on my account ; I've got no end of flannel on, besides hare sKins— THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 8 uo — I rather think they're rabbit skins, because they're a sort of tortoise-shell color. [Going to desk. Hel. Yes, sir, I know I am much too kind ; especially as you seem determined to make me the most unfortunate cf women. Bon. What? [Depositing papers, ^-c, on desk. Hel. Determined to make me the most unfortunate of women. Bon. Goodness gracious ! [Coming hastily down.) I make you an unfortunate woman ! I vow and protest . Hel. Yes, sir ! Have you not consented to marry me 1 Bon. Now, my dear Miss Helen, just let's change posi- tions. In other words, let me be I and you be you — no — let I be me and — no — never mind — you know what I mean. Well, your uncle, Mr. Smuggins, says to me, last Monday week, as I was putting up the shutters, " Jeremiah Jorum," says he, " What do you think of my niece?" " Well," says I, going on putting up the shutters, "I think she's a stunner," says I. •' You do?" says he. " I do," says I ; and up went another shutter. '' Then," says he, '• you think she'd make a good wife ?" says he, giving me a considerable slap on the shoulder. " Well," says I, giving him a prodigious poke in the ribs, " I think she would." "Then she's your's !" says he. 1 thought I should have dropped — as it was, I only drop- peti the shutter. Hel. You should have asked time to consider. Bon. So I did. " Certainly," says he, " lots of time — I'll give a good hour and a half," says he. " If you say Yes, I'll take you into the house — if you say No, I'll kick you out of it." and away he went ! .^ Hd. And you said " Yes," of course. Bon. Well, they say, " of two evils" choose the least ;" and I certainly did come to the conclusion that a good wife is preferable to a good kicking ! Hel. Now listen to me, sir ! I don't like you — I never can like you — and if you insist on making me Mrs. Jeremiah Jorum, you — ^you — you know what the consequences will be — that's all ! [Exit r. 2. e. Bon. Yes, ecod ! I do know what the consequences would be — the consequences would be transportation ! -••••because I happen to have a wife already — a wife 14 THE TWO BONNYCAS'lLES. • that I adore — a woman I hoped to live with for the next fifty years, and ran away from at the end of three weeks I I don't wish to boast, but I feel convinced that when the ad- ventures of Benjamin Bonnycastle come to be known, Sinbad the Sailor will sink into utter insignificance ! That man will have to hide his diminished head — in point of fact he'll have to put it somewhere immediately ! Now this is the state of the case : — Three weeks ago, as Mrs Bonnycastle was rather poorly, she went down to Buxton to drink the waters ; she wanted me to go too, but I did'nt fancy the waters ; I had drunk them before, and they did'nt agree with me ! Well, after I had seen her off in the evening, I thought I'd take a stroll to St. James's Park and smoke my cigar, and look al the ducks and the nursery maids. I had'nt been there long before it came on to rain in torrents ; the ducks immediately dived under water, the nursery maids disappeared by the var ious gates, and I was left under the nearest tree ; but, as it was getting darker and darker, and rained harder and harder, T made up my mind to run for it, and away I started at tho top of my speed ; but I had'nt got twenty yards before I came into violent collision with an individual who was making for the same gate. I hadn't the most distant idea how long it took me to recover the shock, but when I did the individual was gone— that I did'nt care about— but my watch was gone, too ! — and that I did care about. So off I set again — luckily caught him up, seized him by the collar with one hand — snatched my watch out of his fob with the other — and then, as of course, there was no policeman near, I let him go — went home — lighted a candle — went up to bed — and there — I shall never forget it as long as I live ! — there, the first thing 1 saw. lying on the dressing-table, was my own watch that I had^ left behind me ! Yes— \he thing was clear — I had stoppisd one of Her Majesty's subjects on one of Her Majesty's high ways, and robbed him ! I had booked myself for Botanjf Bay ! What was to be done ? At last a brilliant idea struck me — I'd destroy the evidence of my guilt ! I seized the watch, dashed it on the floor, trampled on it, and flung it into the fire, and I was safe !— at least I thought I was, but I wasn't; for such was the state of nervous excitement I was in, that I made a slight mistake and destroyed my own watch instead of tho other ! There was now only one thing to ba THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. *>ne, and the next morning I did it. I set off for the ne&r set poliof station to state the whole circumstances of the case when tJ i first thing I saw there was a hand-bill just posted up, headed " Highway Robbery — £20 Reward," with a full description of the property stolen, and offering a reward of twenty pounds for the apprehension of the offender ! I rushed home again — packed up a carpet-bag — left a note for Mrs. Bonnycastle, without the most distant idea of what I had written, and started off without the most remote notion of where I was going to. At last I recollected hearing her men- tion a Mr. Srauggins, of Canterbury, as her man of business ; so down I came here, with the intention of putting him in possession of the whole affair ; but I got frightened, and, a? he was in want of a clerk, I preferred presenting myself with a letter of introduction (which I wrote myself) from his client, th*? late Miss Clotilda Smirk, of Hatten Garden ; he engaged me at once ; and the next morning, under the assumed name of Jeremiah Jorum, I took possession of the vacant stool in his office. That's three weeks ago, and I've been sitting upon thorns ever since ; I think every man and woman I see is a policeman in disguise ! And now the stupid old fool wants me to marry his niece — just as if highway robbery wasn't enough, without doing a bit of bigamy ! I declare I often feel inclined to knock my head against the wall ! — and what's more I would — if it did'nt hurt. Enter Johnson, at c. d., with a carpet-bag, hat, box and umbrella. John. ( \side as he enters.) Now then, attention! [Ad- va"- es and slaps Bonnycastle on the slwulder, who gives a vinhnt Jump, and finds himself face to face vnth Johnson. ) How are you ? Bon. [Starijig xoildly in Johnson) s face, attempts to speak^ staggers, and falls into his arms.) John. Holloa ! zounds, what's the matter with you ? It can't be the pleasure of seeing me again, considering I never >jaw you before. Bon. {Starting up.) Of course not ! ha, ha, ha ! As you very properly observed, you never saw me before — in point of fact, you would'nt hesitate to take several oaths before several magistrates that you never saw me before ! The fa/)t i6 HE TWO B0NNYCASTLE3. is, I thought at first you were a very old and valued friend ol mine ; but, now I look at you again, I see you're not a bit like him — he was a handsome man, he was ! John. Thank ye ! Can I see Mr Srauggins ? Bon. I really don't know if Mr. Smuggins is fit to be seen ! Joh7i. Never mind, I can wait. Bye-the-bye, can you tell me the time? Bon. Certainly ! [ Taking out his watch. John. I unfortunately lost my watch a short time ago. Bon. {Hastily cramming watch back into his trowserS 'pocket.') And I quite forgot to wind mine up last night ; and I've remarked that watches in general don't go so well when they're not wound up ! I'll tell Mr. Smuggins you're here — bye-the-bye, what name shall I say ? John. (Aside) Now for it ! (Aloud.) Mr. Bonnycastle ! Bon. (After a sliort pause of astonishment. ) Will you bs good enough to say that again, sir ? John. Bonnycastle ! (Aside.) What the deuce ails the man, does he suspect 1 Bon. (Aside.) He distinctly said Bonnycastle! but after all what of that ? it may be a very common name. There art several Elephant and Castles, why shouldn't there be lots of Bonnycastles ? (Aloud.) Will you be good enough to tell me how you spell Bonnycastle, sir ! John. Certainly ! B Bon. Of course I know it begins with a B ! I couldn't for a moment imagine it began with a Q ! B, 0, N, N, ^ Bonny ? John. Yes ! C, A, S Bo7i. You're sure it isn't K, A, S ? ^ John. Pshaw ! . "^ Bon. (Aside.) Perhaps he's some relation of mine — he can't be my brother — because I never had one ! to be sure I once had a cousin, but he went to America and died — I're half a mind to ask him if he ever went to America and died i Joh7i. I see how it is — the name's strange to you ! Of course it must be, since it's only recently that Clotilda be- came my wife. Bon. Clotilda? ^ , Joh7i. Yes, Miss Clotilda Smirk! of Hatten Garden Xicndon. ,- r i -, Bon. (After a short pause, then quietly taking Johnson i a*«E two BONNYCASTLES. 17 irm.) Now, my dear sir, let's understand one another ; therc'a aothing like seeing one's way clearly — which I confess I don't — you mean to assert — but first do you know the nature of in oath ? [Sokmnhj. John. I ought — I've used a great many of 'em in my time ! Bon. And you are prepared to assert — that Miss Clotilda Smirk John. Is now Mrs. Bonnycastle ! Bon. Exactly ! John. And I am Mr. Bonnycastle ! Bon. Precisely! {Suddenly) No— that is — John. Perhaps you arc — ? Bern. Yes — that is — I mean — (aaide.) if I was sure thia fellow wasn't one of the detective police, I'd unmask him and expose him in all his naked deformity ! John. Perhaps you knew my dear little Clotty before I married her ? I call her Clotty for short ! Bon. (Aside.) Clotty for short! Goodness gracious, can the inconsiderate woman have married two Bonnycastlcs ? Joh7i. Egad ! now I think of it, you may be that young fellow that used to be so sweet upon Clotty ! ha, ha, ha ! Bon. Oh! ha. ha! {Forcing a laugh.) A young fellow used to be sweet upon Clotty, eh 1 John. Before she became Mrs. Bonnycastle ! Bye-the-bye, they say your old governor Smuggins. was an admirer of lier's, too ; then there was the Chemist and Druggist on Holboni Hill, and the Tallow Chandler in Farringdon street, besides t^ lots of others ; but you see Bonnycastle cut 'em all out after all, eh ? ha. ha, ha ! [Slapping Bonnycastle on the hack and going ^ip- Bon, {Forcing a very loud laugh.) Ha, ha, ha ! {A&ide.) T*'>.11, this is pleasant — take it altogether it's about the most agreeable quarter of an hour I ever spent in all my life ! Enter Smuggins, c. Smug. {To Bon ) Oh ! here you are — I've found you at last, have I ? {Seeing Johnson Heyday ! a stranger ? John. Mr. Bonnycastle, at your service ! [Boioing. Bon. {haughirg hysteri:alhj.) Ha, ha, ha ! that's right! stick to it ! Smug. Jeremiah ' behave yourself, sir I hand Mr. Bonny jastle a chair, sir' THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. Bon. Pooh ! Smug. Do you hoar what T say, sir ? {Bonnya^-'itlt kick, a diair toioards Johnson ; Shitiggijis and Johnson seat them- selves. .) And my dear Mr. Bonnycastle Bo7i. Well 'I [Advancing ) Smvg. I wish you'd speak when you're spoken to, sir ! And so you'r the happy husband of my sweet friend, Miss Clotilda "Smirk? {To Johnson.) Bon. Stveet friend ! come, I say, Smuggins ! (Giving him a violent dig in the side with his dhow ) Smvg. {Aside, to Bon.) Hush! it's all right — of course he doesn't know what desperate love I used to make to her !— ha, ha. ha ! {Chudding) Wives don't tell their husbands everything, eh 1 — ha, ha, ha ! Bon. {Aside ) The very first time I catch Smuggins alone, I shall make it ray immediate business to strangle him ! Smvg. {Aside to Bon ) He's really much better looking than I expected, for when Mrs. Bonnycastle wrote to me to apprize "me of her marriage, she said her husband was a per- fect fright, Bon. {Aside.) Pleasant again ! Smug. And whore's the charming Mrs Bonnycastle? [ To John. John. In London. Bon. Buxton ! ^Shouting. Smug. Will you be quiet ! {To Johnson.) And how is she? Jolin. Quite well. Boti. Poorly! {Shouting agmn. Smng Hold your tongue ! how should you know anything About her? ^ , , , .. .7' John. Of course, I presume. I ought to know better tlian you ! {To Smvggins.) And so you really think her charm- ^""^mvg {Asideto Bon.) He asks me if I thi.ik her charm- ing ! i know she is. eh ?-ba, l.a. ha ! very odd if I didn t, eh ^ IChudding ami nudging Bonnycastle. Bon. {Aside to Smuggins conJidcnVicdly ) If you do that again, Smug£ins, PU bit you ! ,,••., Simi- Bv-thebvo, Mr Bonnycastle, this is the young wan ghe recommended to me— of course 1 engaged buu m THE TWO BONNYCASTLE&. 19 mediately. {Pointing to Bofi. loho turns axc-z^ disgusted.) John. Oh ! my wife recommended him, did she 1 rather an odd thing to do without consulting me ? but you know Clotty's a queer little body. Bon. (Aside.) He says Clotty's a queer little body ! I never saw anything queer ! John. However, I hope you've found him civil and sober, and all that sort of thing, and more intelligent than he looks ! {Bon. again turns away disgusted. Smug. Why the fact is I look over several little defects, because between you and me he's going to marry my niece, Helen! But where is she, I wonder; here, Helen, Helen! Enter Helen in a walking dress and bonnet, running from p^. 2 E. Hel. Yes, uncle. (Seeing Johnson, starts.) Ah! Smug. Ah ! what d'ye mean by ah ! Hel Noth-ing — only seeing a stra:3ger — Smug. A stranger ? No such thing, my dear ; this is Mr. Bonnycastle, the husband of my highly valued and respected client, the late Miss Clotilda Smirk, (takes her hond.) Mr. Bonnycastle, my niece Helen ! — my niece Helen, Mr, Bon- nycastle ! Hel. Mr. Bonny (Stopping on a sign from Johnson ) John. Now, young man ! (Pushing Bonnycastle out of his way, and going to Helen ) A very charming person, indeed ! (taking Helen's hand, then hastily aside, to her.) I've done it— it's all right ! hush I Hel. (Aside ) Was there ever such assurance ! __Smvg. (To Johnson.) Of course you'll sleep here? Patty ! (Calling off .) get a bed ready for Mr. Bonnycastle. Bye-the-bye, you want your supper ? of course you do ! Here, Jeremiah, Jeremiah, I say ! (To Bonnycastle icho has gone and seated himself on tlie stool before the desk, pulling tlie papers about, smashing the 2')e7is, &-c ) Bon. Well? Smug. Come here, I want you ! Bon (Shouting again ) 1 hear you ! (Banging the tid of t.lte desk down, and coming slowly down with the blue bag. Here 1 am, what do you want ? (In the mme sulky tont and rdanner.) fO THE TWO BONNYC^STLESt, Smug. Why, as Patty's busy, I want you to j t , ppei for Mr. Bonnycastle — that's all Bon. Oh. that's all ! Your'e sure that's all ? — ha, h^ , ha ' {LaugJiing wildly.) perhaps you'd like me to clean Mr. Bon- nycastle's boots, or brush Mr. Bonnycastle's hair ; you're a delicious creature, Smuggins, 'pon my life you are ! — ha. ha, ha! {Laughing loildly again, and swinging tJie blue bag frantically about., hitting Smuggins on tlie back ) Smug. You'll oblige me, Jeremiah, I'm sure you will; Tou'll find the tray ready laid in the next room, so bring it in at once and have done with it ! [Pushing him towards r. 2 e. Bon. Well, but Joh7i' \ ^°^ ^^ along ! \Tlmj push him out at r. 2 E. John. Now, Mr. Smuggins, what say you to a little stroll in the mean time ? Smug. You must excuse mo. my dear Mr. Bonnycastle, business must be attended to ; but Helen, I am sure, will be delighted. Hel. But, my dear uncle [Hesitating. Smug. Pshaw! don t 'be absurd — I insist upon it — take Mr. Bonnycastle's arm this minute, and go along— go along, I say ! Eoceunt Johnson and Helen, ar7n-in-arm,followed by Smug- gins. Enter Pattv, r. 2 e. Pat. (Speaking towards door as site otters) 1 tell you once for all, I can't do it, Mr. Jorum, there's the plate to clean — and the kitchen to scrub — and Mr. Bonnycastle's bcJ to make — and I don't know what else besides ! {A double knock.) Who can this be I wonder? {runs out door c.tlien heard vnthout.) This way, this way, ma'am, if you please ! {Re-enters, sJiowing in Mrs. Bonnycastlb, very agitated.) You wish to see Mr. Smuggins, I j resume, ma'am. Mrs. B Yes, I must see him immediately! this moment Pat. Sorry for that, ma'am, 'cause I rather think master'l busy ; perhaps his head clerk, Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, will do as well? Mrs. B. Yes, yes, send him to me this instant ! THK TWO BO.XNYCASTLES. ftl Pat. Very well, ma'am. {Ca'/uag towards door, n 2. e.) Ui!i. Joruin. you're vv-antod ! Bon. ( Witltout ) Coming directly ! Pat, Take a scat, ma'am. [Placing a chair) You'll ex- mse me, ma'am, but Saturday's always such a busy day. {^Calling again.) Make haste, Mr. Jorum ! [Rnns off^ c. Mrs B. What a dreadful state of agitation I am in, to be sure, and no wonder ' T return home from Buxton yesterday, and find that my husband — my Bonnycastle — has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared ; gone nobody knows where, nobody knows why ! He was last seen alive on the very even* ;ng I left London, rushing frantically down Ilolborn Hill, with a carpet-bag under his arm, and hasn't been heard of since ; a few lines on the dressing table out of which I could make neither head nor tail, only serve to make matters worse. So, late as it was, I started off for Canterbury this evening to consult my old friend, Mr. Smuggins, who I'm sure will leave no stone unturned to ascertain if I am a wife or a widow ! Will that head clerk of Iiis never come ? ah, yes, here he is ! Re-enter Bonnycastle, r. 2 e., carrying a small tray loith IwncJieon. lie carries it very carefully- Bon. (^As lie enters.) Woh ! steady ! bother the tray ! do what I will that pepper-caster will keep tumbling down. {^Looking up and finding himself face to face with Mrs, Bon- nycastle.) Clotilda ! (Drops tray, ^c, on stige with a ^oud smash.) Mrs. B. Mr. Bonnycastle ! Bon. [Suddenly ancl grasping her arm.'] Hush! I'm not Bonnycastle ! consider Bonnycastle as defunct — look upon "Bonnycastle as a man with an extinguisher put on him ! Mrs. B. Pshaw ! explain your mysterious and suspicious conduct, this moment, Mr. Bonny Bon. Hush ! Mrs. B. Why did you leave Hatton Garden, sir, as soon as your wife's back was turned, sir ? Tell me that, Mr. Bonny Bon. Hush ! Mrs. B. And what is the meaning of this gibberish I found on the dressing table when 1 reached home yesterday, sir? {Readhig a p«pe;- ichich she takes out of her reticule.) *' Clo- 22 THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. tilda — don't be alarmed —sudden business — horrible event » St. James's Park — innocent as a lamb — highway robbery — ■ £20 reward — dressing-table — watch — Botany Bay — carpet* bag — you understand." — But I do not understand,- Mr. Bonny Bo)i. Hush ! Mrs. B. In short, why do I find you hero ? under another roof — under another name? Speak, Mr. Bonny Bon. Hush! all shall be explained — but not now. I'll unfold my short, but moving tale, another time. Mrs. B. I see, sir — ^yes, base man, there's another female in the case ! Bon. I vow and protest — no, I don't — of course not — why shouldn't there be two females in the case as well as two males'^ Yes, two males, ma'am, and both of them Bonny- castles ! Mrs. B. Two Bonnycastles ! ha, ha, ha ! I'm sure one's enough in all conscience. Bon. If that's your opinion ma'am, how is it that there's an individual under this very roof, at this very moment, who assert! to my very face that he's your husband — calls you Clotty for short — and says you're a queer little body ? BIrs. B. The impudent impostor I A disappointed admirer of mine, no doubt. Bon. I shouldn't wonder ; he says you've had lots of 'em. Mrs. B. " Lots of 'em 1*^ • I've a very fair share of them, sir. But I'll soon unmask this counterferTliusband ! Bon. Do ; but don't unmask me at the same time ; because, if he should happen to turn out to be a policeman in plain clothes — instead of two husbands, I'm horribly afraid you won't have one ! Mrs. B. Will you explain ? [Impathntly. Bon. Not now. As I said before. I'll unfold my short but moving tale another time. So remember that I am still Jore- miah Jorum, Mr. Smuggins' head clerk— that you recom- mended me to him — and, above all Smug. ( Without ) A lady waiting for me ? Bon. Oh lud ! {Runs out at n. 2 b- E?iter Smuggins, c., runnijig. Smu£. Where is she? My dear Miss Smirk— I m«»n Mra THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 2.i Bonnycastle — I'm delighted to see — in fact, such is my de- light, that I [Out of breal/i. Mrs. B. That you can't find words to express it? Smug. The fact is, I am rather out of breath — for such was my impatience to behold you again — that I actually ran evei-y inch of the way from the other end of the passage ! Mrs. B. And very foolish of you, too, sir ; recollect you're an old man. Smicg. {Aside.) That's a pleasant observation to start with! (Aluud.) Of course you know Mr. liounycastlc's here ? How agreeably surprised he'll be ! Mrs. B Do you think so? S/nug. I'm sure of it ; for I'm confident he doesn't expect you — at least he did'nt say so. Mrs. B. No ! I certainly think I shall rather astonish him. But where is he ? Smug. He's gone out to take a stroll with my niece Helen. Of course, being your husband, I saw no impropriety in it, though I rather think Jeremiah did'nt half like it. Mrs. B Jeremiah? Smug. Yes — Jeremiah Jorum — my clerk, that you recom- mended to me. Mrs B. True — but why should he take any interest in Miss Helen's proceedings ? Smug. Why ? For the best of all reasons, he's going to marry her ! Mrs, B. Marry her ! Smug. Yes, I very soon saw the poor fellow was over head and ears in love with her — usual symptoms — glances, tender sighs, and all that sort of thing — so I took compassion on him, and proposed the match myself. Mrs. B And he ? [Anxiously. Smug. Hummed and ha'ad a little at first — said he should be delighted ; but there was a slight obstacle existing at pre- sent, which time would probably soon remove. Mrs. B. {Aside.) That's me! I'm the slight obstacle! Oh, the perfidious wretch ! Smug. However, he soon thought better of it — ^jumped at my proposal — and all was settled I Mrs. B. {Aside.) The monster ! But I'll be revenged ! 24 THE TWO R0^NVCA3TLES. Enter Helen, c. Smug. Ah ! here's PTelon Come here, luy dear, and pay youi- respects to Mrs. Bonnjcastle. •< Hcl. Mrs. Bounycastle : {Aside ) Oh lud ! what's to be done now 1 S)}wg. But Where's Bonnycastle ? What have you done with Bonnycastle ? Hd {Confused.) I— that is—I'll run and find him— {Aside) And put him on his guard. Smrig. [Stojjping Iter ) No, no, V\\ find him myself! AS '. {Seeing Johnson^ivho enters at c.) here he is. Rcl {Aside) He's lost! {2rying to attract Jolmsov's attention by signs, Sfc.) Mrs. B (Seeing hin?, aside) Can it be ? Yes ! it is he ' Johnson — the identical John James Johnson, that I onrc had some thoughts of accepting — only he never proposed ! Smvg. Now, Bonnycastle, come along ! Here's a lacy wants you. John. (Advancing.) A lady ? (Withotit seeing Mrs. Bo. i- nycastle) Who? {Seeing Mrs B. aside.) Clotilda! the devil! Smug. Hollo! Bonnycastle? (Looking at JoJmsonw I w suddenly cocks his hat very onticlb over his eyes) Why, what's the matter with you, Bonnycastle? Oh ! I see — it's the sur- prise — the sudden rapture. John. Yes — exactly — as you say, the sudden rapture . (Aside) I' re half a mind to take to my legs ! Mrs- B. (Aside) So this is the counterfeit husband, is it ':■ Very well ! Now then, to revenge myself on the perfidioue Bonnyccistle ! (Aloud and in a tender tone to Johnson) Wei' , dear ? '• Hel. (Aside) Dear ! — she calls him dear ! Mrs. B. (In the sajne tone to Johnson) Isn't this an agree- able surprise ? or ought I have given you notice of my ar- rival — ch. dear ? John. '{±iside) She's laughiuj, at me— that's quite-clear! Mrs. B. You're not angry with your •' Clotty ?" forwhers should '• Clotty" be, but with her husband ? {Puttijig Iter arm a^'ectionatcly in Johnsori's. Hcl (Aside) Her husband? Then he's been making » fool of me ? \ THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 25 Smug [To Johnson.^ Come, come, Bonnycastlo ! kiss and be friends. I insist upon it! John. {Aside.) I'm desperate! {Aloud.) With all my heart ! [ Throwing his arms roiiiid Mrs. Boniiycastle. Enter Bonnycastle. r 2 e. Bon. {Seeing them embrace.) Ha, ha, ha! {Laughing vrmly and shouting.) That's right! — go it! — keep it up I — don't mind me ! — ha, ha, ha I {Spinning round two or *hr, ,' iii.ii. md dropping into Smuggins' arms.) ■•otv.s.:. Hollo I What's the matter? Zounds! rouse your- ! Jereuiiah ! ! Trying in vahi to make Bonnycastle stand up. lid. (Aside.) Now for my turn. {Shoiviyig an indig7iant look "i Ji-'l. 'ison and running to Bonnycastle.) Yes, look up, Jereraiah^ and lean on me. ^Sm.ug. (In an agony at Bonnycastle' s iveight.) Yes, lean en her, John. >To, no ! [About to ititerfere. Sviug. Zounds ! don't you interfere, Bonnycastle. [PusJmtg him hack. Boi. {Suddenly Jumping) That's right, Smuggins. {^HilUng km a violent slap on the back.) Well said, Smug- gins. {Giiing him another) Don't you interfere, Bonny- castl' ! 'mbrace your Clotty ! throw your arms round her queer VjAq body ! Smuggins, embrace your husband ! Helen, ■embrace your nephew ! ( Throwing his arms round ^mvG- GINS ?A Yes, go along. [Pushing him up stagp.. mi J Bon. Well, but [ Turning round omd round as Ive is pushed up, i}i spite of his struggling lie is forced off at Cj followed by Patty. Smug. There now, Helen, wish Mr. and Mrs. Bonnycastle good night. John. {Hastily aside to Helot.) I'll explain everything. HeJ. Silence, wretch ! [Goes out at door, l. 2 e. Mrs. B. {Hurriedly aside to Johnson ) Make some excuse for remaining here — get rid of Mr. Smuggins, and I'll return as soon as the coast is clear ! Smug {Returning ivith candle and giving it to Johnson.) Now, Bonnycastle ' ■ ^iC^ John. Nonsense ! we must have a glass of brandy and '• ' ^ ■ ' Smuggins, I should'nt get a wink of sleep without my bi.*uay and water. Smug. Eh ! very well, with all my heart. Mrs. B. Good night, Mr. Smuggins. Smtcg. Good night, my dear Mrs. Bonnycastle, permit me. (^Handing Iver gallayitly ?o d. l. 3 e , tlien kissing her hand^ Mits. Bonnycastle ^065 out after exchanging significant looks with Johnson, and closes door after Iter. Smug. Now then I'll go and mis the grog — or egad, what say you to have punch, eh, Bonnycastle? I'm a famous hand at punch — we'll have it in my little snuggery here, then w» I THE TWO BCKNYCASTLES. 27 ifhan't disturb the ladies. I'll call you when it's ready — shan't be long. [Hurries out. at door u. 2 e. Jorm. {Watching him out^ Now then, to let Mrs. Bonny^ castle know that the coast is clear. [Crossing on tip-toe to door l. 3 2. Bon. {Suddenly appearing at window, r. 3 e.) Stop, or you're a dead man ! move another step towards that door and you're another dead man ! [Presenting a large pistol. John. Zounds ! what the deuce have you got there ? Bon. An ingenious species of fire-arms denominated a re- volver — so called from its keeping continually going round and incessantly going off. . [Fresenting pistol again. John. Confound it ! be quiet will you ? I won't move from this spot — upon my soul I won't. Bon. I won't trust you. There ! [Flinging a coil of rope into the room. John. What's this ? Bon. The clothes line ! which you'll be good enough to tie several times round your leg as tight as you can conveniently bear it ! John. Zounds, sir ! By what right ? Bon. By the right of my revolver ! [Presenting pistol. John. Very well. ( Ties one end of the rope round his leg.) There — now are you satisfied ? Bon. I'll tell you directly, {Giving him a violent jerk.) Yes, that'll do — and now. mind what you're about — recollect I'm under the window, with the clothes line in one hand and the revolver in the other. [Disappears. John. ( Watching him disappear.) Now then, for Mrs B'^nnycastle {Moves quickly towards door and is svddeiily c"fi/tg his fingers dose to Smug gins' m;.sej Marry your niece irden yourself ! Open the door! {Shouting and banging at door, ii. 2 E.) Open it this moment or I'll get Hobbr- to pick the lock ! {The door opens, and Mns Bonnvcastlk cj*i^e/-5 7f///i candle; Bonny- castle rushes frantically into tiip. room ; at 'he same moment Helen enters from l. 1 e.. and Johnson from c.) Mrs. B. i Hel. \ What's the matter? Jolm. ) Bon. {From Within) He's not here! {Rushing on) He's not there ! but what of that ? — here's his hat — no I it's a bonnet! {Shewing bonnet.) Oh! Clotilda, pardon my insane suspicions ! — it was entirely the fault of that stupid old Sninggins. Say you forgive me I {Clasping his hands together and crushing the bonnet ; tJien embraces Mrs. B.) Smug. Hollo! Here. Bonnycastle ! Don't you see! A fellow kissing your wife under your very nose ! ( Turning and seeii'g J OHNHON, who. after a feiv hurried ivords of expla- nation to Helen, is e7nbracing her.) Hollo! what does it all mean V Mrs B. It means, my dear Mr. Smuggins. that there have been a few slight mistakes, which, with your permission. I will explain. In the first place, that gentleman {jmiUing to Johnson) is not my husband — that's one great ini.stakei- This gentleman is my husband. [Taking Bonnycastle's hand Bon. And that's another great mistake ! ■ Snnig. (To Johnson.) Then, since you're'not Mr. Bonny- castle. perhaps you'll condcsLcnd to inform me who you are? JoJt.n,. Mr. John James Johnson, at your service. Mrs. B. A friend of mine, Mr. Smuggins, and so ardent an admirer of Miss Helen, that he could'nt resist the tempta- kion of borrowing my husband's name, in order to Smug Swindle me out of my niece, eh'/ 'Well, they say THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 3i all's fair in love ; so give me your hand, Bonnycastle — I mean Thompson — I should say Johnson ! And if Helen has no objection Hel. I must have ample time to consider, uncle — so, there's my hand, sir ! [Giving her hand to Johnson, Smug. This is all ve;ry well as far as it goes ; but {to Bon- nycastle) if you are Bonnycastle, and this lady's husband — and I suppose she knows something about it — hosv is it that you jome down herrand perch yourself on that stool for three weeks as Jeremiah Jorum 1 Mrs. B. Yes, Mr. Bonjjycastle ; I require that explana- tion, as well as Mr. Smuggins. Bon. Then you shall hasre it. Come here, all of yoi». ( They all surround him.) Of course we're friends — Dosom frJends — and if I unfold my short but moving tale, you won't let it go any further ? — I mean my tail. Then listen ! It has been remarked by no end of clever people, as well as myself, that man is the creature of circamstances. That's my case ! What drove me and my carpet bag from Hatton Garden- down Holborn Hill — up Snow Hill — down Cheapside — and over London Bridge to the South Eastern E-ailway Terminus 9 What made me cease to be a Bonnycastle, and become a Jorum —a wretched clerk of a wretched l^'wver ? A trifle — a mere trifle — and here it is 1 [Z/rawmg zoatch out of his 2)0ckef,. John. Hollo I \±iecognizing watch.) How did you get that watch ? Mrs. B. Yes ? it isn't your's, Benjamin, dear ! John. No ! its mine, Benjamin, dear i Ban ^!?MV'S 1 Sav i*^ ""^tJ-; r j'i'i. jVime ; I lost it three reeks a^o. Bon. In St. James's Parli ? John, Yes. Z?o«. Highway robbery ? Joh?i. Yes. Bon. Twenty pounds rcwartl^ John. Yes, for the apprehenfion of the ruflian. — - "./<. ^^a, ha, ha I capital! ii'sallrighl -hurrah! ;.'r -ounds! wha:t do you mean ? n. i mean that I'm the riffian — I give myself up— so .-i over the twenty pounds. j'nncs. You? explain ? 32 THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. Bon. I can't now ! — all I say — and I say it emphatically-" is that I am not a highway robber — I scorn the action — ea pecially for such a trumpery old copper-gilt concern as this I've got a host of friends here to prove that the charge i utterly groundless, not that I mind it — I rather like it (* audience.) I think it's a thing to laugh at — don't you? Ii short, if you'll back me up, I'll let everybody know that thi little affair of the Two Bonnycastles is capital good fun !— may I ? — it's all right — hurrah ! [Stvings watch about. DISPOSITION OP THE CHARACTERS. I TRRQRY OF CONGRESS ■Ml. 014 528