PS ^1i LEEDLE YAWCOB STRAUSS. AND OTHER POEMS. kSt By CHARLES F. ADAMS. iit]) Siitg^be Ellustrattons By "BOZ." BOSTON: LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS. NEW YORK: CHARLES T. DILLINGHAM. 1878. !) ■^ b\\ /\ ■0 Copyright, 1877, Bv CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS. ELECTROTYPED Bt a J. PETKR8 & SON, 73 Federal Stkekt, » BOSTON. PREFACE. It is with some misgivings that the author, at the solicita- tion of many, perhaps over-zealous friends, has ventured to place this little volume before the public. The writer, moving only in the mercantile world, feels that he has wan- dered into forbidden ground, and craves the indulgence of the literati for these attempts to "woo the Muse" during the few leisure hours allowed to members of his vocation. With the invaluable co-operation of " Boz " (Mr. M. J. Sweene}'), — w^hose happy delineations form a prominent fea- ture of attraction, — the author expresses the hope that this volume ma}' meet with the kind!}' reception that has been accorded to man}' of the individual selections which have appeared from time to time in our local papers, " Scribner's Monthly," " Detroit Free Press," and other publications. PREFACE. Thrit its onulitios may bo oxt'iisoil by ronsoii of tho \viitcM''s non-familiarity with matters so foreign to his daily routine of business life, and that "• Leedle Yaweob " and his companions may ser\e to while away a leisure hour for the casual reader, is the wish of the author. CHARLES FOLLEN ADAMS, Bo8Ti)N, November, 1877. CONTENTS. I'AOK Yawcob Strauss 11 a iilgiily-coloukd romanck ig To Bary Jade .22 TiiK Puzzr.r.i) Dhtciiman ...... 27 L-K-(i ON A MULK 30 Economy 33 Pat's Criticism 30 Ravenous Rill 41 SiioNNY Schwartz 47 A Tale of a Nose 50 To a Dressmaker 53 Yankee Shrewdness 55 Lofac Gl Deu Drummer G3 Repartee G8 7 CONTENTS. fuitz und i ........ . 70 Intkmpkuanck . . ....... 75 liiTTLK Tim's IIkvknok 77 Dot Bauy off Mink 82 John liAui.EY-couN, My Fok 88 Hans and Fuitz 91 SkQUF.L to TIIK " ()NK-lIoa.SK 81IAV " .... 96 Woman 100 ZwEi Lageu 102 A Tough Customek 106 Dot Poodi.f, Doo 109 Misi'LACKi) Sympathy 115 Vot I LiKK UNI) Don'd Likk 119 The Widow Malone's Pig 123 A Trapper's Story 128 Johnny Judkins l'^4: The Lost Pet. . 110 The Soldier's Grave M6 ' cj^^^^fk]^\\l "I floincdiiiicH (liiilt I Hcliall ^o vihi Mil Hooch a gra/.y poy." — I'Aiin 16. YAWCOB STRAUSS. I HAF von funny lecdle poy, Vot gomes schust to mine knee ; Der queerest schap, der Greatest rogue, As efer you dit see. He runs, und schumps, und schmashes dings In all barts off der house : But vot off dot? he vas mine son, Mine leedle Yawcob Strauss. 11 TAWCOB STRAUSS. He get der measles und der mumbs, Und eferyding dot's oudt ; He sbills mine glass off lager bier, Foots schnufF indo mine kraut. He fills mine pipe mit Limburg cheese, — Dot vas der roughest chouse : I'd dake dot vrom no oder poy But leedle Yawcob Strauss. 13 YAWCOB STBAUSS. He dakes der milk-ban for a dhrum, Und cuts mine cane in dwo, To make der schticks to beat it mit, Mine cracious, dot vas di'ue ! I dinks mine bed vas schplit abart, He kicks oiip sooch a touse : But nefer mind ; der poys vas few Like dot young Yawcob Strauss. 13 TAWCOB STRAUSS. He asks mc questions sooch as dcse: Who baints mine nose so red? Who vas it cuts dot schmoodth blace oudt Vrom der hair ubon mine hed? Und vhere der plaze goes vrom der lamp Vene'er der ghm I douse. How gan I all dose dings eggsblain To dot schmall Yawcob Strauss? 14 YAWCOB 8TBAUS8. I somedimes dink I schall go vild Mit sooch a grazy poy, Und vish vonce more I gould haf rest, Und beaceful dimes enshoy; But ven he vas ashleep in ped, So guiet as a mouse, I prays der Lord, " Dake anyding, But leaf dot Yawcob Strauss." 15 A HIGHLY-COLORED ROMANCE. Ben Green was a Ncw-IIampshirc boy, Who stood full six feet two : A jovial chap this same Ben (jireen, Though he had oft been blue. He loved a girl named Olive Brown, Who lived near Bixby's pond, And who, despite her brunette name, Was a decided blonde. 10 A highly-colored romance." A JfiailLY-COLORED liOMANCE. A pink of rare perfection she, The belle of eill the town ; Though Ben oft wished her Olive Green, Instead of Olive Brown. And she loved Ben, and said that nought Should mar their joy serene ; And, when she changed from Olive Brown, 'T would surely be to Green. She kept her word in-violet, And vowed, ere she was wed, Although when Brown she had Be(e)n Green, When Green she'd be well read. But, ah ! her young affections changed To Gray, a Southern fellow ; And Green turned white the news to heaV, Though first it made him yell, oh ! 19 A HIGHLY-COLORED ROMANCE. Says he, " How can you lilac this, When you vowed to he true ? I'll take your fine young lover, Gray, And heat him till he's hlue." Then Olive Brown to crimson turned. And said, " Do as you say : The country long has wished to see ' The Blue combined with Gray.' " Ben Green to purple turned with rage, And black his brow as night ; While on the cheek of Olive Brown The crimson changed to white. " O cruel Olive Brown ! " says Ben, " I've been dun-brown by you : Let this ' Grayback ' his steps retrace, And take Greenback, — oh, do!" 20 A IIIGnLY-COLOBED ROMANCE. Poor Olive Brown, what could she say, To sea-Green look so sad ? And so she rose, and said to him, " I'll go and ask my dad," The years rolled by: Ben's raven locks For silver did not lack ; And Olive, with her hair of gold. Was glad she took Greenback. '' '--J 21 TO BARY JADE. The bood is beabig brighdly, love ; The sdars are shidig too ; While I ab gazig dreabily, Add thigkig, love, of you. You caddot, oh ! you caddot kdow, By darlig, how I biss you — (Oh, wliadt a fearful cold I've got ! Ck-tish-u ! Ck-ck-tish-\i !) I'b sittig id the arbor, love, Where you sat by by side, Whed od that calb, autubdal dight You said you'd be by bride. 22 " Ko-rash-ol — there it is agaid, — Ck-thranh-uh ! Ck-ck-tish-u ! " — Page 26. TO BABY J ABE. Oh ! for Wild bobedt to caress Add tederly to kiss you ; Budt do ! we're beddy biles apart (YLo-rash-o ! Ck-c\-tish-\x !) This charbig evedig brigs to bide The tibe whed first we bet : It seebs budt odly yesterday ; I thigk I see you yet. Oh! tell me, ab I sdill your owd? By hopes — oh, do dot dash theb ! (Codfoud by cold, 'tis gettig worse — Ck-tish-u ! Ck-ok-tkrash-eh !) Good-by, by darlig Bary Jade ! The bid-dight hour is dear ; Add it is hardly wise, by love, For be to ligger here. 25 TO BABY J ABE. The hea\7 dews are fallig fast : A fod good-dight I wish you. {YLo-rash-o ! — there it is agaid - Ck-thrash-uh ! Ck-ck-^isA-u !) 26 THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. I'm a proken-heai-ted Deutscher, Vot's villed mit crief und shame. I dells you vot der di'ouple ish: I doosrit know my name. 27 THE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. You dinks dis fery vunny, eh ? Ven you der schtory hear, You vill not yonder den so mooch, It vas so schtrange und queer. Mine moder had dwo leedle twins ; Dey vas me und mine broder : Ve lookt so fery mooch ahke. No von knew vich vrom toder. Yon off der poys vas " Yawcob," Und " Hans " der oder's name : But den it made no tifferent ; Ve both got called der same. Veil ! von off us got tead, — Yaw, Mynheer, dot ish so ! But vedder Hans or Yawcob, Mine moder she don'd know. 28 TUE PUZZLED DUTCHMAN. Und SO I am in droiiples : I gan't kit droo mine hed Vedder Tm Hans vofs lifing, Or Ymvcob vot is tead ! 29 L-E-G ON A MULl:. Dm you hoar of tlic accident, just t'other day, That occurred to a youtli of tlic^ Y. INI. C. A.? One morniu;^, while walking out with his friend Neff,— M. W. (i. M. of tlie T. O. O. 1\,— 30 L-E-G ON A MULE. II is friend exclaimed suddenly, " Look there, I say ! There's a chance for tiie 8. V. V. (). C. T. A. ! " A " broth of a boy," who was just from a spree, Was cruelly beating his m-u-l-e. Our hero stepped up to expostulate, when The mule kicked his a-b-d-o-m-e-n. This doubled him up with a half-muttered phrase, As foot No. 2 knocked him e-n-d-ways. They bore him home gently, as gently could be, And gave him a pint of hot 1-oo-t. A voltaic plaster they placed, sans delay. Where that treacherous mule left his m-a-r-k. 31 L-E-G ON A MULE. A hip dislocated ; a general jar ; Striking proofs of " one-mule p-o-w-e-r." When the patient fii'st spoke, what d'ye s'pose he did say, — This model Y0im2r man of the Y. M. C. A. ^ Says he, " I'll be b-1-o-w-e-d If ever I'll plead for a m-u-l-e ! " 32 ECONOMY. " There's nothing like economy," I heard a chap remark, Who, judging by his tout ensemble, Had issued from the ark. 33 ECONOMY. lie was a most peculiar man, With visage wan and tliin, And licpiid drops of amber hue A-trickhng down liis chin. " They tell us it's extravagant," lie added Avitli a slirug, As he deposited a quid 'Within his spacious " mug," — " They tell us it's extravagant, This ' chewini^- of the weed ; ' Ihit only use ' economy,' You'll never he in need. " And this is how to practise it C/liew your tobacco well, Using a little at a time, — It nat'rally will swell ; 84 ECONOMY " Then take the quid and dry it, sir ! " 'Twas thus the fellow spoke, — " And, when you want a quiet whifF, Put in your pipe, and smoke. " And, stranger, after doing this, If you are fond of snuff, The ashes that are left behind Will serve you well enough. " And thus," said this peculiar man (I fear he did but joke,) " If you will follow my advice, It will not end in smoke.'' 35 PATS CRITICISM. There's a stoiy that's old, But good if twice told, Of a doctor of limited skill, Who cured beast and man On the " cold-water plan," Without the small help of a pill. On his portal of pine Hung an elegant sign, Depicting a beautiful rill, 36 " Pat, how is that for a sii(ii '? " — tage 39. PAT'S CRITICISM. And a lake where a sprite, With apparent dehght, Was sporting in sweet dishabille. Pat McCarty one day, As he sauntered that way, Stood and gazed at that portal of pine ; When the doctor with pride Stepped up to his side, Saying, " Pat, how is that for a sign ? " " There's wan thing," says Pat, " Ye've lift out o' that, Which, be jabers ! is quoite a mistake : It's trim, and it's nate ; But, to make it complate, Ye shud have a foine burd on the lake.' 39 PAT'S CRITICISM. " Ah ! indeed ! pray, then, tell, To make it look well. What bird do yon think it may lack ? " Says Pat, " Of the same I've forgotten the name, But the song that he sings is ' Quack ! quack ! ' " 40 RAVENOUS BILL. On ! a terrible glutton was " Ravenous Bill," Mate of the good ship " Whippoorwill ; " And seldom it was he could get his fill ; A fact he oft would mention. And many a time, when eating his beef, Would the captain tell him to "take a reef;" But to such requests he ever was " deaf," This being a bone of contention. 41 HA VENOUS BILL. lie C'IioiiUhI tlio sailors out of tlioir \mY^, Nor left c'cn a scrap for the captaiifs do<>- : lie was such a gourinaiui and terrible " lio^,' That he'd " eat you out of your house lie tlioui^ht no more of a leu^ of ham, A peck of ])otatoes, and shoulder of lamb, With all the " fixiu's," — wine, jellies, and jam,- 'J'hau a cat would think of a mouse. 42 JtAVENOUS BILL. At length, on distant Southern sands The vessel was stranded ; and all the hands Were captured by some of the savage bands Who lived on that foreign coast. Poor Bill was taken among the rest, And became at once a cannibal's guest ; (No pleasant position, it must be confessed, To wake up some morning already " di'cssed " For a native's " fancy roast.") 43 RAVENOUS BILL. For want of rations Bill had grown thin, Nothing, in fact, but bones and skin ; And his lioathcn master (as ugly as sin, 'Vo iind lie'd so badly been " taken in") Devised a horrible plan. To wit: a bamboo cage he'd make, And put in IJill, with a monstrous snake Called th(^ anaconda, that could easily " tak(^ Most any " reasonable " man. 44 BAVENOUS BILL. At last 'twas finished, — the cage was done ; The snake was captured, — a monstrous one : The natives assembled to see the " fun," And " settle their Bill,'' they said, as a pun. Referring to the " collation." Oui- hero was thrust into the cage Where the snake was coiling itself with rage, Eager and waiting its prey to engage, — An engaging occupation. 45 HA VENOUS BILL. As Hill and the snake met face to face, 1 le was folded at once in its close embrace ; And the natives, thinking he'd " ran his race," Began on his fate to ponder ; "Wluui — what d'ye suppose first met their eyes ? As the dust from the scene did slowly rise, They fonnd that l^ill, to their great surprise, Had — SWALLOWED THE anaconda! 4(! SHONNY SCHWARTZ. Haf you seen mine leedlc Slionny, — Slionny Schwartz, — Mit his hair so soft uiid yellow, Und his face so hlump uiid mellow ; Sooch a funny leedlc fellow,— Shonny Schwartz ] Efry mornings dot young Shonny — SLjnny Schwartz — Rises mit dcr preak off day, Und does his chores oup righdt avay ; For he gan vork so veil as blay, — Shonny Schwartz. 47 SnONNY SCHWABTZ. Mine Katrina says to Shoniiy, " Slioniiy Schwartz, J I ell) your baronts all you gan, For (lis life vas bud a sliban : Py uiid py you'll been a man, Slionny Schwartz." 1 low I lofes to see dot Shonny — Shonny Schwartz Vlien he schgampers off to schgool, Vhere he alvays minds dor rule ! For he vas nopody's fool, — Slionny Schwartz. TTow T vish dot leedle Shonny — Shonny Schwartz Could remain von leedle i)oy, 48 SnONNT SCHWARTZ. Alvays full off life und shoy, Und dot Time vould not annoy Shonny Schwartz ! Nefer mindt, mine leedle Shonny, — Shonny Schwartz • Efry day prings someding new : Alvays keep dcr righdt in view, Und baddle, den, your own canoe, Shonny Schwartz. Keep her in der channel, Shonny, — Shonny Schwartz : Life's voyich vill pe quickly o'er ; Und den ubon dot bedder shore Ve'll meet again, to hart no more, Shonny Schwartz. 49 A TALE OF A NOSE. 'TwAS a hard case, that which happened in T.ynn. Haven't heard of it, cli ? Well then, to begin. There's a Jew down there Avhom they call " Old Mose," Who travels abont, and buys old clothes. 50 A TALE OF A NOSE. Now Mose — which the same is short for Moses - Had one of the biggest kind of noses : It had a sort of an instep in it, And he fed it with snuff about once a minute. One day he got in a bit of a row With a German chap who had kissed his frmt, And, trying to punch him a la Mace, Had his nose cut off close up to his face. He picked it up from off the ground, And quickly back in its place 'twas bound, Keeping the bandage upon his face Until it had faMy healed in place. Alas for Mose ! 'Twas a sad mistake Which he in his haste that day did make ; For, to add still more to his bitter cup, He found he had placed it lormig side tip. 51 A TALE OF A NOSE. " There's no great loss without some gain ; And Moses says, in a jocular vein, He arranged it so for taking snufF, As he never before could get enough. One thing, by the way, he forgets to add. Which makes the arrangement rather bad Although he can take his snufF with ease, He has to stand on his head to sneeze ! 52 TO A DRESSMAKER. Oh! wherefore bid me leave thy side, Dear Polly? I would ask. How can I all my feelings cloak When in thy smiles I basque ? Nay, " Polly-nay," I cannot go ! Oh ! do not stand aloof, When of my Avarm affection You possess, oh, wat-er-proof ! 53 70 A DRESSMAKKIl. A\'liy will yon tlins my feelings gore jjy sciuliiig mo away? You know it's wrong, of corset is, Tims to forhid my stay. It seams as though some fell disease Was gnawing at my h(>art, And hem-oi-iliag(> would soon ensue If we, perchance, should part. Then waist the precious time no more, l)ut k^t the parson tic us Sew firmly that the marriage-knot Shall never bt; cut bias. In jX'acefu] (luietude we'll float On life's unruffled tid(^, Nor let the bustle of the world " Pull-back " as on we glide. 64 YANKEE SHREWDNESS. In a little country village, Not many years ago, There lived a real " live Yankee," Whom they called " Old Uncle Snow." In trade he had no equal ; And storekeepers would say, " We're always ' out of pocket ' When Snow comes round this way." 55 YANKEE SHREWDNESS. 'Twas the custom of the villagers — Few of them being rich — To trade theu- surplus " garden-sass " For groceries and " sich." One store supplied the village With goods of every kind, Including wines and liquors Foi; those that way inclined. A counter in the " sample-room " Was fixed up very neat ; And after every " barter-trade " The storekeeper would " treat." Old Snow brought in, one morning, An e^^ fresh from the barn, And said, " Give me a needle : My Avoman wants to darn." 5(3 " Give me another needle, 'Squire; This egg's the same as two! " — Page 60. YANKEE SHBEWDNESS. The trade was made : the storekeeper Asked him to take a drink. " I'll humor him," he said, aside, As the lookers-on did wink. " Don't care, naow, ef I do," says Snow ; " And, as your goin' to treat. Just put a leetle sugar in, — I like my liquor sweet. " And, say, while you're about it, — Though I don't like to beg, — 'Twill taste a leetle better If you di-op in an egg.'' " All right, friend," says the grocer, Now being fakly " caught," And cU'opped into the tumbler The egg that Snow had brought ! 59 YANKEE SHREWDNESS. The egg contained a double yolk. Says Snow, " Here, this won't do Give me another needle, 'Squire ; This egg's the same as two ! " 60 LOGIC. 'Tis strange, but true, that a common cat Has got ten tails, — just think of that ! Don't see it, eh? The fact is plain: To prove it so I rise t'explain. We say a cat has but one tail : Behold how logic lifts the veil ! No cat has nine tails : don't you see One cat has one tail more than she ? 61 LOGIC. Now add the one tail to the nine, You'll find a full ten-tailed feline. As Holmes has said, in his " Onc-Hors(b Shay,' Logic is logic ; that's all I say. fi2 DER DRUMMER. Who puts oup at der pest hotel, Und dakes his oysders on der schell, Und mit der frauleins cuts a schwell 'i Der drummer. 03 DER DRUMMER. Who vas it gomes indo mine sclitore, Drows down his pundles on dcr yloor, Und nefcr schtops to shut der door \ Der di'ummer. ^-tSc.---: Who dakes me py del* handt, und say, " Hans PfeifFer, how you vas to-day ? " Und goes for peesness righdt avay ? Der drummer. 64 DEB DRUMMER. Who shpreads lys zamples in a trice, Und dells me, " Look, imd see how nice"? Und says I gets " der bottom price " ? Der drummer. Who dells how sheap der goots vas bought, Mooch less as vot I gould imbort, But lets dem go as he vas " short " \ Der drummer. G5 DEli DRUMMER. Who says dcr tings va§ eggstra vine, — " Vrom Sharmany, ubon der Rhino," — Und shoats mc den dimes oudt off nine ? Der di'ummer. AVho variants all der goots to suit Der gustomers ubon his route, Und ven dey gomes dey ^as no goot ? Dcr drummer. 66 BER DEUMMEE. Who gomes aroiindt von I been oudt, Drinks oiip mine bier, and eats mine kraut, Und kiss Katrina in dor mout'? Der drummer. -^^^^ Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, Und mit a plack eye goes avay ] Der drummer. 07 REPARTEE. One Mr. B , A joker he, While ill a jovial mood, Tried to explain To neighbor N A joke which he thought good. REPARTEE. Ilis hearer, NefF, Was very deaf, And couldn't catch the joke ; Whereat B smiled, Though slightly "riled," And thus to him he spoke : — " 'Tis plain to me As A B C, My dear friend, Mr. NefF! " "Oh, yes! but then," Says Mr. N , "You know Tm D E F!" fep^ FRITZ UND I. Mynheer, blease hell^ a boor oldt man Vot gomes vrom Sharmany, Mit Fritz, mine tog, und only freund, To goep me gompany. 70 FRITZ UND I. I haf no geld to puy mine pread, No blace to lay me down ; For ve vas vanderers, Fritz iind I, Und sdrangers in der town. Some beoples gife us dings to eadt, Und some dey kicks us oudt, Und say, " You don'd got peesnis here To sdi'oll der sclitreets aboudt ! " Vot's dot you say ? — you puy mine tog To gife me pread to eadt ! I vas so boor as nefer vas, But I vas no " tead peat." Vot, sell mine tog, mine leedle tog, Dot voUows me aboudt, Und vags his dail like anydings Vene'er I dakes him oudt ? 71 FIUTZ UND I. Schust look at him, imd see him schump ! lie hkes mo pooty veil ; Und dcre vas somedings 'bout dot tog, Mynheer, I voiddn't sell. " Der collar ? " Nein : 'tvas someding else Vrom vich I goiild not bart ; Und, if dot ding vas dook avay, I dink it prakes mine heart. " Vot vas it, den, aboudt dot tog," You ashk, " dot's not vor sale 1 " I dells you vot it ish, mine freuiid : 'Tish der vag oif dot tog's dail ! " 72 "Schiist look at him, und see him schump! He lilies me pooty veil." — Page 72. INTEMPERANCE. Of all the vices in our land Which we have reason most to dread, Intemperance, the country's curse, In bold relief stands at the head. In every sphere its steps we trace, — In lowly cot and mansion tall : Alike on young and old it preys, Bringing its share of woe to all. Men who could face the fiercest foe Unmoved, midst battles' loudest roar, Cannot the wine-cup's charm resist. Nor boldly pass the dram-shop's door. 75 INTEMPERANCE. A mother's and a father's love Cannot the drunkard's course control: His every wish, his every thought, Is centred in the flowing bowl. Even the gentle, loving wife, To whom he vowed eternal love. And chilchen, with then* tearful prayers. Fail his besotted heart to move. Men of Columbia, are you slaves, A galling yoke like this to wear? King Alcohol hurl from his throne, And place a Aviser monarch there. Then shall your loved ones' prayers be heard, A country's blessing be your prize ; While He who sits enthroned above Shall smile on you from out the skies. 76 LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. " Little Tim " was the name of him Of whom I have to tell ; And he abode on the Western road, In the busy town of L . 77 LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. As trains went down through the little town, lie peddled through the cars His stock in trade, — iced lemonade, Cake, peanuts, and cigars. Conductor Dunn was the only one Who'd not this trade allow ; And so 'twixt him and little Tim There always was a row. At last one day they had a fray ; And Timothy declared He'd " fix old Dunn, ' as sure's a gun,' " If hoth then' lives were spared. So off he w^ent with this intent. And sold his stock in trade : His earnings hard he spent for lard, And started for " the grade." 78 LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. (This place, you know, is where trains go Upon the steep hillside, And where — with lard — it isn't hard To get up quite a slide.) He took a stick, and spread it thick, Remarking with a smile, " There'll be some fun when Mr. Dunn Commences to ' strike ile ' ! " 79 LITTLE TIM'S REVENGE. He lay in wait : the train was late, And came a-puffing hard, With heavy load, right up the road To where he'd spread the lard. They tried in vain : that fated train Could not ascend the grade : The Avheels would spin with horrid din ; Yet no advance was made. Then little Tim — 'twas bold in him — Cried out in accents shrill, " Remember me^ Conductor D., When you get up the hill ! " MORAL. Success in trade is up a grade That we should all ascend. And with a will help up the hill Our fellow-man and friend. 80 LITTLE TIM'S EEVENGE. When " on the road," don't incommode The seeker after pelf, Or ten to one, like Mr. Dunn, You'll not get up yourself. 81 DOT BABY OFF MINE. Mine cmcioiis ! mine cracious ! shust look here uiid see A Deutscher so habby as habby can pe ! Der beoples all dink dot no ])rains I haf got ; Vas gra/y mit trinking, or someding like dot : Id vasn't pecausc I trinks lager vmd vine ; Id vas all on aggount off" dot baby off mine. 82 DOT r.ABY OFF MINE. Dot schmall leedle vellow I dells you vas qveer; Not mooch pigger roiindt as a goot glass off peer ; Mit a bare-footed lied, und nose but a schpeck ; A mout dot goes most to der pack off his neck ; Und his leedle pink toes mit der rest all combine To gif sooch a charm to dot baby off mine. 83 DOT r,A II Y OFF MINE. I (l('lls you dot biihy vas von off dcr poys, llnd boats Iccdlc Yawcob for making a noise. He shust has pccun to shbcak goot English too ; Says " Mamma " nnd " Papa," und somedimes " All, goo ! " You don'd find a baby den dimes oudt off nine Dot vas (^vitc so schmart as dot baby off mine. 84 DOT BABY OFF MINE. He grawls der vloor ofer, und drows dings aboudt, Und poots eferyding he can find in his mout ; He dumbles der shtaii's down, und falls vrom his chair, Und gifes mine Katrina von derrible sckare. Mine hair shtands like shquills on a mat borcubine Yen I dinks off dose pranks off dot baby off mine. 85 DOT BABY OFF MINE. Dcrc vas someding, you pet, I don'd likes pooty veil, To hear in dcr nighdt dimes dot young Deutscher yell, Und dravel der ped-room midout many clo'os, Vhile dor chills down der slipinc off mine pack quickly goes : Docs leedle shimnasdic dricks vasn't so fine Dot I cuts oup at nighdt mit dot baby off mine. 86 DOT BABY OFF MINE. Veil, dese leedle schafers vas going to pe men, Und all off dese droubles vill peen ofer den : Dey vill vear a vhite shirt- vront inshtead off a bib, Und vouldn't got tucked oup at nighdt in deir crib. Veil, veil, ven I'm feeble, und in life's decline, May mine oldt age pe cheered py dot baby off mine ! 87 JOHN BARLEY-CORN, MY FOE. John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, The song I have to sing Is not in praise of yon, John, E'en though yon are a king. 8S JOHN BARLEY-COEN, MY FOE. Your subjects they are legion, John, I find where'er I go : They wear your yoke upon then* necks, John Barley-Corn, my foe. John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, By your despotic sway The people of our country, John, Are suffering to-day. You lay the lash upon their backs ; Yet willingly they go And pay allegiance at the polls, John Barley-Corn, my foe. John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, You've broken many a heart. And caused the bitter tear, John, From many an eye to start, 89 JOHN BARLEY-CORN, MY FOE. The widow and the fatherless From pleasant homes to go, And lead a life of sin and shame, John Barley-Corn, my foe. John Barley-Corn, my foe, John, May Heaven speed the hour, When Temperance shall wear the crown And Rum shall lose its power ; When from the East unto the AVest The people all shall know Their greatest curse has been removed, John Barley-Corn, my foe ! ^^c^coi^:^ 90 HANS AND FRITZ. Hans and Fritz were two Deutschers who lived side by side, Remote from the world, its deceit and its pride : With then- pretzels and beer the spare moments were spent, And the fruits of their labor were peace and content. Hans purchased a horse of a neighbor one day, And, lacking a part of the Geld, — as they say, — 91 Ily\NS AND FU/TZ. IVIiidc a call iipori 1^'rit/ to solicit a loan 'I'o li('l|) liirn to ])ay for his Ix-aiitiful roan. I'Vitz kindly ronsontod tlio nionoy to loud, And f^avc tlio rcHjiiircd amount to liis fViond ; R(^miirkiii." 'Vhc note was drawn np in their primitiAe way, — "I, Hans, gets i'rom I'Vitz feefty tollars to-day;" AVlien the (piestion arose, Ihe note IxMiig made, " Vieh \on holds dot haper nnlil it vas haid?" " Yon geeps dot," says Fritz, " und den you vill know You owes nie dot money." Says TFans, "Dot ish so: Dot makes me remempcn's I haf dot to bay, Und T ])rings you der note und der money some day." 02 «IU. r^' V r.. £, If}'- ■•1p^^^^^^%t^^^fcw^,-i%'^' " When the questioH arose, the note being made, ' Vich von holds dot baper until it vas baid.' " — Page 92. HANS AND FRITZ. A month had expired, when Hans, as agreed, Paid back the amount, and from debt he was freed. Says Fritz, " Now dot settles us." Hans repUes, " Yaw : Now wlio dakes dot baper accordings by law \ " "I geeps dot now, aind't it?" says Fritz; "den, you see, I alvays remempers you baid dot to me." Says Hans, " Dot ish so: it vas now shust so blain, Dot I knows vot to do ven I porrows again." 95 ■i^J-^ SEQUEL TO THE "ONE-HORSE SHAY." Doubtless my readers all have heard Of the " AYonderful oiie-liorse shay " That " Avent to pieces all at once " On the terrible carthqnake-day. 9<3 SEQUEL TO THE ''ONE-HORSE SHAY:* But did they ever think of the horse, Or mourn the loss of him, — The " ewe-necked bay " (who drew the " shay "), So full of life and vim? He was a wonderful nag, I'm told. In spite of his old " rat-tail ; " And, though he always minded the rein^ He laughed at the snow and hail. He had the finest stable in town. With plenty of oats and hay ; And to the parson's oft " Hud-dup " He never would answer neigh. To the parson's shay he was ever true, Though her other felloes were tired: To live and die with his fiancee Was all that his heart desired. 97 SEQUEL TO THE '' ONE-HOBSE SHAY." lie was much attached to his ancient mate ; So the parson " hitched them together ; " And, when they went on then* bridle tour, His heart was hght as a feather. We all remember her awful fate, On that sad November day, When nothing remained but a heap of trash, That once was a beautiful shay. Oh ! what could stir-up the equine breast Like this fearful, harrowing blow. Which put a check on his happiness. And filled his heart with w{li)oa. As he wheeled about, a shaft of pain Entered his faithful breast, As he there beheld the sad remains Of her whom he loved the best. SEQUEL TO THE ''ONE-HORSE SHAY." With a sudden bound and fearful snort, He sped away like the wind ; And a fact most queer I'll mention here, No traces were left behind. 9& WOMAN. What is it makes a woman? A wealth of wavy haii-, A brow of Parian whiteness, And eyes Hke diamonds rare ? Is it checks that shame the roses, And Hps hke cherries, red, With teeth of pearly beauty. As the poet oft hath said? A tall and queenly creature. With a small and taper waist, A Juno or a Hebe, Who would a throne have graced? 100 :. WOlfAN. My beau-ideal of woman Is a different being far ; And, if my views you wisli to hear, I'll tell you what they are. A heart that's warm and tender, A pure and holy mind ; A gentle, modest, loving one, Who is to others kind. The eye may lose its lustre, The cheek its rosy glow. The wavy hau' no more be seen O'er forehead white as snow. But the pure and gentle spirit Will e'er be fresh and bright : 'Tis this that makes the woman. Kind reader, am I right? 101 ZWEI LAGI'R. Der night vas dark as anyding, Ven at mine door two vellcrs ring, Und say, vcn I ask who vas dhcrc, "Git ouj) und git" — und den dey schvear " Zwci lager." 102 ZWEI LAGEB. I says, " 'Tis late : schiist leaf mine house, Und don'd pe making sooch a towse ! " Dey only lauft me in der face, Und say, " Pring oudt, ' Old Scliweizerkase,' Zwei lager." I dold dem dot der bier vas oudt ; But dose two shaps set oup a shout, Und said no matter if 'tvas late. Dot dey moost haf " put on der schlate " Zwei lager. '• Oh ! go avay, dot is goot poys," Mine moder says, " und schtop der noise : " But sdill dem vellers yellt avay ; Und dis vas all dot dey vould say, — " Zwei lager, 103 ZWEI LAGER. " Vot makes you gome ^ " mine taughter said, " Von bcoplcs all vas in dcir pcd : Scliust gome to-morrow ven you're dhry." 15ut dem two plackguards sdill did cry, " Zwei lager." " Vot moans you by sooch dings as dese ? I go und calls for der boleese," Says Sclineigelfritz, who lifs next door: Dcy only ycllt more as pefore, " Zwei lager." " You schust holdt on a leedle vliile, Says mine Katrina mit a sclimile : " T vix dose sliaps, you pet my life, So dey don'd ask off Ffeiffer's vife Zwei lager.' 104 ZWEI LAGER. Den righdt avay she got a peese Of goot und schtrong old Limburg cheese, Und put it schust outside der door ; Und den ve didn't hear no more " Zwei lager." 105 V ' '- W^' -,.; A TOUGH CUSTOMER. 'Tis a story of a toper : I knew him passing well, — A shoemaker in Natick, Which is oftentimes called — well Of course you've heard the story ; So I will not stop to tell. lOG A TOUGH CUSTODIER. He was the hardest drinker For many miles around ; Though, as a waggish chap remarked, '-'■Hard di'inker ! I'll be bound He drinks about as easy As any man I've found ! " There chanced to be a "sample-room" Close by his little shop, In which, " just to be neighborly," He frequently would drop, And " take a little something warm," From gin to ffin-gev pop. One day he went as usual ; And, finding no one in, He spied upon the counter What he supposed was gin, And straightway took a " nipper " From the bottle it was in. 107 A TOUGH CUSTOMER. Surveying, a la connoisseur. The name the bottle bore, lie found 'twas aquafortis. Which he liad taken "raw," — " A brand," quoth he, " T ne'er did sec, And never draid<; before." Just then his neighbor happened in ; ^ And, tremulous with fear, (The bottle told the story,) He asked if he felt queer, And if he'd have a doctor called, As one was living near. " Don't worry," said the shoemaker: " I'm all right, T believe. There's but one thing that's curious: I really can't conceive Why, when I wipe my mouth, it burns A /cole right through my sleeve I " 108 DOT POODLB DOG. Mine cracious, vot a gountiy, Und vot a beoplcs too ! I feel so bad, already, I don'd know vot to do. I had von Iccdlc poodle do^^, So handsome vot couldt been Und alvays, vheresoe'er I vent, Dot poodle dog vas seen. • 109 DOT POODLE BOG. He yoiist to vollow me aroiindt, In sclipite off rain unci hail ; Und, oh, der comfort vot I dook In der vag off dot dog's tail ! Von day I missed mine Schneider, (Dot vas der poodle's name ;) Und, though I vistled all aroundt. Dot poodle didn't came. I looked about der sausage-shops, (Vhere dey cut some vunny capers,) Und dold dot he vas schtrayed or stoldt In all der daily bapers. I hunted efery vhere aroundt, — Oup hill, und down der dale ; Und all der beoples lauft at me To hear dot poodle's tale. Mil' !;: I" H'«i:A ^^•'Jj IJ " He used him vashing vindows ofE: Mine cracious, dot vas qveer! " — Page 113. DOT POODLE DOG. Von morning early I vas oudt, A valking cup der schtreet, Ven righdt avay I seen a sight Vot schtopped mine heart to beat. Mine cracious ! vot yon dink it vas Dot villed me mit surbrise? 'Tvas leedle Schneider vot vas losht, Righdt dhere pefore mine eyes ! You know schust how id is myself Ven somedings stardt you, — amdt id I Veil, ven I saw dot poodle dog, Py shings ! I almost vainted ! A darky had him on a pole, Mit pails off vater near. He used him vashing vindoivs off: Mine cracious, dot vas qveer ! 113 DOT POODLE DOG. He dipped him righdt indo der pail, Schiist like he vas a rag Der life vas oudt off dot poodle dog ; Der tail had losht its vag ! .^^^^' y^~oxP ^ Tiy i nm sassjii:ii '"//, "", %, 114 MISPLACED SYMPATHY. Little Benny sat one evening, Looking o'er his picture-book : Suddenly his mother noticed On his face a troubled look. He was gazing on a picture, — " Christians in the early days," When the cruel tyrant Nero Harassed them in various ways. 'Twas a family of Christians, Torn by lions fierce and wild, Li the horrible arena, Which had thus distressed the child. 115 MISPLACED SYMPATHY. Thinking it a golden moment To impress his youthful mind With our freedom, dearly purchased, And hy martyrs' blood refined. His good mother told the story Of their persecutions sore, While he listened, all attention. And the picture pondered o'er. " See, my child, those hungry lions, How upon the group they fall ! 'Tis a sight, my precious darling. That the bravest might appall." Then, with little lip a-quiver, " Mamma, look ! " says little Benny " Little lion in the corner, Mamma, isnt gettm any ! " 116 "Little Hon in tlie corner, Mamma, isn't gettin' any!" — Page lis. VOT 1 LIKE UND DON'D LIKE. I don'd dink mooch off dose fine shaps Vot lofe aboudt dcr schtreet, Und nefer pays der landlady For vot dey liaf to eat ; 119 VOT I LIKE UND DON'D LIKE. Who gifes der tailor notings, Unci makes der laundress vait, Und liaf dcir trinks off lager bier All " put ubon der sclilate." I don'd dink mooch off vimmin, too, AVlio dink it vas deir " schpeer " To keep oup vine alDbearances, Und lif in "Grundy's" fear; Who dress demselves mit vine array To flirt ubon der schtreet, Und leaf deir moders at der tub To earn der bread dey eat. I don'd like men dot feel so pig Ven dey haf plenty ffeld, Who vas as Lucifer so broud, Und mit conceit vas schvelled. 120 VOT I LIKE UND DON'D LIKE. Who dinks more off cleir horse uu