IPS 3531 .A6183 6 It d I £ ^ j Issued quarterly, ( Subscription $1.00, OCTOBER, 1900. "^' -13 1900 No. 61. e Entered at the Chicago Postoffice as second class mail matter. DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Qlven. COMEDIES, MELODRAMAS, Etc. All that Glitters is not Gold, 2 acts, 2 hrs 6 3 Aunt Dinah's Pledge, temper- ance, 2 acts, 1 hr 6 3 Beggar Venus, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min (25c) 6 4 Blow for Blow, 4 acts, 2 hrs ... 5 4 Bonnybell, operetta, 1 h. (25c) . 2 5 Caste, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 5 3 Chimney Corner, 2 acts, 1 hr. 30 min 5 2 Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 Diplomates, 4 acts, 3 hrs. (25c) 5 5 Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30min (25c) 8 4 Early Vows, 2 acts, 1 hr. .(25c) 4 2 East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 hrs 8 7 Elma, The Fairy Child. 1 hr. 45 min., operetta. ..(25c) 9 15 Enchanted Wood (The) , 1 hr. 45 min., operetta (35c) 5 6 Eulalla. 1 h. 30 min (25c) 3 6 From Sumter to Appomattox, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min.. (25c) 6 2 Fruits of the Wine Cup, tem- perance, 3 acts, 1 hr 6 4 Handy Andy, Irish, 2 acts, 1 hr. 30 min 8 3 Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 Jedediah Judkius, J.P., 4 acts, 2 hr. 30 min (25c) 7 5 Lady of Lyons, 5 acts, 2 hrs, 30 min 8 4 London Assurance, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 9 3 Lost in London, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 6 3 Louva the Pauper, 5 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 9 4 Michael Erie, 2 acts.l hr. 30 m. 8 3 Mitsu-Yu-Nissi, Japanese Wed- ding, 1 hr. 15 min 6 6 Money, 5 acts, 3 hrs 9 3 My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 4 6 Not such a Fool as he Looks, 3 acts, 2 hrs 5 3 Odds with the Enemy, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 Only Daughter (An), 3 acts, 1 hr. 15 min 5 2 On the Brink, temperance, 2 acts, 2 hrs 12 3 Our Country, 3 acts, 1 hr 10 3 Ours, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 6 3 Out in the Streets, temperance, 1 hr. 15 min 6 4 Vet of Parsons' Ranch, 5 acts 2 hrs 9 3 Pocahontas,musical burlesque, 2 acts, 1 hr.... 10 2 Rivals, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 45 min. . 8 4 School Ma'am (The), 4 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 6 5 M. F.- SeaDrift, 4acts, 2 hrs..., 6 2 Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 hr. 15 min 7 3 Shadow Castle, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min (25c) 5 4 Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 20 min 8 3 Solon Shingle, 1 hr, 30 min, ... 72 Sparkling Cup, temperance, 5 acts, 2 hrs 12 4 Ten Nights in a Barroom, tem- perance, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 Ticket of Leave Man, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 45 min 8 3 Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min (25c) 7 4 Toodles, 2 acts, 1 hr. 15 min.. 6 2 Uncle Josh, 4 actp, 2^ h. (25c) 8 3 Under the Laureia, 5 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 5 4 Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min (25c) 7 3 Wedding Trip (The), 2 acts, 1 hr 3 2 Won at Last, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 min 7 3 Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs o 3 FARCES AND SKETCHES. Assessor, sketch, 10 min 3 2 Babes in Wood, burlesque, 25 min 4 3 BadJob,30min 3 2 Bardell vs. Pickwick, 25 min.. 6 2 Beautiful Forever, 30 min 2 2 Blind Margaret, musical, 30 m. 3 3 Borrowing Trouble, 25 min 3 5 Breezy Call, 25 min 2 1 Bumble's Courtship, sketch, 18mm 1 1 Cabman No, 93, 40 min 2 2 Christmas Ship, musical, 20 m. 4 3 Circumlocution Office, 20 min. 6 Country Justice, 15 min 8 Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 min 3 Cut off with a Shilling, 25 min. 2 Deception, 30 min 3 Desperate Situation, 25 min. . . 2 Dutchman in Ireland, 20 min. 3 Fair Encounter, sketch, 20 m. C Fami ly Strike, 2 O^ftlh 3 Free-Knowledge-lst, 2 acts, 25 mm 3 Friendly Move, sketch, 20 m.. 4 Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 Hard Cider, temperance, 15 m. 4 Homoeopathy, Irish, 30 min.. .. 5 Id on Parle Francais, 40 m . .. 4 I'll Stay Awhile, 20 min 4 I'm not Mesilf at All, Irish, 25 min 3 Initiating a Granger, 25 min, . . 8 In the Dark, 25 min 4 \ T. S. DENISON, Publisher. *<^ Randolph St., Chicago. THOSE DREADFUL TWINS A FARCE COMEDY BY W. C. PARKER jl il5J?*u y Of Contf pe*» \'\,l C0Pt€S RECElVtO OCT 13 1900 CopyngfU wtry S£CCN[) COPY. OtiHvw«i to 0:-(&W DIVISION. NOV 23 190o WITH ALL THE STAGE BUSINESS FROM THE AUTHOR'S PROMPT BOOK CHICAGO T. S. DENISON, Publisher 163 Randolph St. THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. FOR LAUGHING PURPOSES ONLY. CAST OF CHARACTERS. JosiAH Brown, a deacon of our church. f'S3SH Deacon Whitbeck, of the same church. y< ^ o3T~ Sheriff O'Brien, one of the boys. - mG] o*** IS Lynx, the detective, always on deck. IQOO Johnny Brown, one of the twins. - Rastus, out of a job. Mrs. Josephine Brown, looking out for No. i. Josephine Brown Clifford, Josiah's daughter. Becky Green, an energetic member of our church. Fanny Brown, another one of the twins. N. B,— The twins are grown up. Time of playing, two hours. BILL OF PLAY. Act I. — First appearance of the Twins at Deacon Brown's. They make things hot. The Parson's present. Sheriff in the wrong house. Lynx, the detective, who never detects. A bushel of fun and mystery. Making up a case. ''A plot against her life." "It'll make me the most famous detective of modern times." The Deacon on his muscle. Act II. — ''They have her body, the villains." The mysterious box. The suspicious wife and the deserted daughter meet. "Good land! we hain't told the folks where the picnic was to be." The "spiked" lemonade and a tipsy deacon. "They've been standin' in the sun." Lynx in hi,s great act of stealing the bather's clothes for purposes (!>f identification. Specialties. Act III'.; "Oh, what a difference in the morning." Rastus, on guard for " s'picious characters;" throws Josiah out. Enter Lynx. "Hush! notaword." "I ain't saying nuffin'." "You must come with me." Arrest of Rastus. Lynx the irrepressible runsjdown Sheriff O'Brien. "Where is the body?" Climax. „ . Copyright, 1900, by T. S. Denison. 2 COSTUMES. JosiAH — Old trousers, tucked in well worn boots. Sack coat. Cotton handkerchief around neck, slouch hat. Bald wig and gray whiskers. Deacon — Tight trousers. Large shoes. Red flannel shirt with white cuffs attached. Dickey and white collar. Tight fitting Prince Albert coat, old silk hat. Sheriff — Light trousers. Shabby shoes. Short coat, buttoned up tight. Low comedy wig, part bald. Very red face. Large rings around eyes. Very low crown, light Derby hat, too small for him. Johnny — Knickerbockers, black stockings, low shoes, light blouse, sailor cap. Typical small boy. Rastus — Typical makeup of blackface low comedian. Mrs. Brown — Flashy dress, stylish hat, up-to-date ap- pearance. Josephine — Neat traveling dress, and hat to match. Becky — Old-fashioned gown and bonnet, old-maid wig with long curls, old umbrella and work-bag, a plain bald wig under the old-maid wig. Fanny — Knee dress, black stockings, low shoes, white apron, hair frizzed, a suitable child's hat. Typical small girl. PROPERTIES. Act I. — Goggles, watch and letter for Josiah; work-bag for Becky; empty bottle; burnt cork in Becky's bag; piece of rope for Fanny; small brush for Fanny; powder rag for Becky; bed blanket for Sheriff; pretty flowers for John and Fanny; note book and pencil for Lynx. STAGE DIRECTIONS. E means right of the stage; C center; R C right center; L left; E D right door; L D left door, etc.; i E first en- trance; U E upper entrance, etc. ; D F door in flat or scene running across the back of the stage; i G first groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 3 Act 1 and III Chair Interior Backing Door Sofa O Table Window Chair Act II Landscape Backing .^ ^ ^« \ Note. — Amateurs are free to produce this play, but the Publisher reserves the sole professional stage right. (4) THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. ACT I. Scene. Sitting-room in home of Josiah Brown. Boxed in J. Door in flat, R. C, Doors R. 2., L. 2., Table, C, Chairs, R. and L. Sofa, back, C. General furnishings of an ordinary sitting-room. Enter Josiah, door L. Josiah. I made an engagement fer Deacon Whitbeck and Becky Green ter assemble here at ten o'clock ter ar- range fer the Sunday-School picnic and a donation to ther parson's wife. {Looks at watch.') It's nigh onto half past now. {Sees letter on table.) Hello! here's a letter. Maybe from Becky. Like as not she's sick. {Takes letter, opens it, puts on goggles.) I'll be goshed-hanged ef I remember any sech writin' as that. But it's addressed to me, all right. {Reads.) ''Josiah Brown." That's me ter a dot. {Reads.) ''Dear Sir: Your evident neglect has assumed sech a brutal aspect that I can forbear no longer. I shall send you the children {tvipes perspiration from forehead), as I can no longer support them {staggered) myself. By the time this reaches you, they will be left at your door by one whom I can trust. {Staggered at the accusation.) See that you care for them. Do not attempt to seek me, for I shall leave this detestable spot forever. May God forgive you, I cannot. Farewell forever, from the one who loved you so well — Josephine Brown." {Sighs.) Well! That is a hummer. Tired of supportin' her children an' goin ter send 'em to me. {Knock heard.) Come in — come in. 5 6 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. Enter Deacon, door R. C. Deacon. Good mornin' Josiah. Sorry ter be late, but I had ter — {notices Josiah's strange manner.^ Why, what's the matter, Josiah? Aint lost nothin', have ye? JosiAH. No, Deacon, it's worse'n that. I'm going ter git somethin'. {Knock heard.) Come in. Enter Becky Green, door R. C. Becky. Mornin', Josiah. {Very low boiv.') Mornin', Deacon. {Comedy bow.) I hope I sees you both well. {Notices Josiah.) Why, Josiah, what's the matter — be you sick? {Puts work-bag on table.) JosfAH. No, but I'm a goin' ter be. 'Tain't right ter intrude my troubles on others, but I felt's though I had a right to confide in sech old friends as you be. So here goes. {Hands letter to Becky.) Read that. {All get to- gether. Becky and Deacon very curious. ) Becky. {Reads.) ''Josiah Brown, Dear Sir: Your evident neglect has assumed sech a brutal aspect that I can forbear no longer. " (TI^Josiah.) Why, Josiah, who've you been neglectin' ? Deacon. {Anticipating scandal.) A-ha! {Aside.) I always did suspect that Josiah had a skeleton in the family somewhere. Becky. {Reads.) ''I shall send you the children." {Draws a long breath.) Gracious me! Deacon. {Aside.) Children, eh? I thought so. Becky. {Reads.) "As I can no longer support them myself." {To Josiah.) Why, Josiah, what you been a doin'? Anything on the sly? Josiah. Read on Becky, read on. Deacon. I'm afraid she's already read too much, Josiah Brown. THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. ' 7 JosiAH. {Surpiised.) Why, Deacon, what do you mean? Deacon. Ain't it enough to know that a man we've all trusted — a deacon of our church — JosiAH. {Slarting for DEACO'i^ — angry.') Deacon Whit- beck, how dare you? Becky. {^Separating Josiah and Deacon.) Stop right whar you are. Wait till I finish the letter. {Reads.) "By the time this reaches 3'ou, they will be left at your door by one whom I can trust. Do not attempt to seek me, for I shall leave this detestable spot forever.- May God forgive you, I cannot. Farewell forever, from the one who loved you so well." {To Josiah.) What's this? {Reads.) ''Josephine BrOwn." JosiAH. {Groans.) Deacon. {Gives one long whistle.) Becky. Wh}^ Josiah, that's your darter. JosiAH. That's what comes hard, Becky. Deacon. Why, I thought she w^as married so happily. JosiAH. Just what I thought. But what puzzles me is how she knowed where to send that letter. You know I ain't writ to Josie since I moved. Becky. Josiah, don't you see, she's got your address out'n the new directory. Her husband has run away from her, an' she's been makin' her own livin'. JosiAH. Then why didn't she come home ter her dad, an' bring the twins, instead of havin' a stranger leave 'em on the doorstep, like a peck o' apples from the grocer's. Becky. It's her pride, Josiah^ Pride — poor gal. JosiAH. Poor gal? She'd better never darken my door again. I can fergive- most anythin', but to run away from them pretty little twins is unwomanly. It's — it's — ef I must say it — it's cussed. Becky. I'm sorry fer them twins. I remember what 8 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. nice, quiet little chicks they was. Why, do you remember when the parson baptized 'em, he spoke of 'em as bein' absolutely heavenly, an' everybody has spoke of 'em ever since as them Dreadful Twins, just to be contrary. JosiAH. Yer right thar, Becky, they be Dreadful Twins, an' I'll care for 'em an' bring 'em up the best I know how. {Sidling 7ip to Becky.) Now, ef you'd only be Mrs. Brown, how nice we could bring 'em up. Deacon. {Other side ^/ Becky.) Ef Miss Green was my wife, I wouldn't mind makin* a home fer them twins myself. Becky. {Shy, pushing them away.) Oh, you two boys! Always talkin' love an' sech nonsense to me. Why, ef you had your way, the first thing I know, I'd turn into a regular Mormon. ( Terrific noise heard outside. ) Johnny. {Outside.) Let go my hair, or I'll slap your face. Fanny. {Outside.) Shut your mouth, or I'll kick your shins. {Louder jioise heard.) JosiAH. What's that? Becky. It can't be! Deacon. It's evidently them Dreadful Twins. {The door R. C. bursts open ^;/^ Johnny d;;/^ Fanny appear fighting. Each trying to enter first. They get dead locked in the door. They fight, scream, kick, etc.) Becky. Land sakes alive! What awful brats| JosiAH. Stop it! stop it! stop it! {Goes to twins. Sep- arates them.) Why don't you mind when yer spoken to? {Shakes them.) Now, who are you, and what do you want? John and Fan. {Together.') We're the twins. Becky, JosiAH AND Deacon., {Together.) The twins! Becky. Well, I never! THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. Q JosiAH. {^Holding the twins out at arm's lefigth.) Gewhil- ikens! How they have changed. (John and Fan. how/ togethe?'.^ Now what's the matter? John. {Howls.') I want my pa! Fan. i^HowIs.) I want my pa! Becky. Poor children. They're crying for their daddy. Fan. {Howls louder.) I want my pa! John. {Louder.) I want my pa! Fan. {Stopping suddenly. Points to Deacon.) Oh, get on to the gu}'. John. {Same. Points /t? Josiah.) Oh, look at the whisk- ers! {Imitates wind ivhistling. ) Fan. {Points to Becky.) Oh, what a funny old maid. John. How'd you like to kiss her? (John c?//^ Fan ^?V>^.) Deacon. And them are the Dreadful Twins. Becky. Gracious, Josiah, I'm afeared you're a goin' ter have your hands full. Josiah. I'm afeared so, Becky, I'm afeared so. Fan. {Points to Deacon.) He looks like a squash. John. {Points to Deacon.) No he don't, he looks like a lobster. Deacon. Children, you should remember to speak re- spectfully to your elders. John. Aw forget it. Deacon. I can stand it no longer, Josiah. I'll go home. It's too much for my dignity. {Looks severely at the Twins and exit door., R. C. ) John and Fan. {Together walking doivn R. imitating Deacon.) Oh, it's too much for his dignity. {Comedy.) Josiah. Stop! stop, I say {to Fanny). Now, you sit thar. {Places her i?i chair. To John.) And you sit thar. {Places John in chair with the back to Fanny's chair.) I'll lO THOSE DREADFUL*T\VINS. separate you an' see if that'll keep you quiet a minute, while I think what's goin' to be done with you. Becky. Why, the deacon's gone an' we hain't said a word about the Sunday-School picnic and the donation fer the parson's wife. JosiAH. So we hain't. Well, if you'll attend to these children a few minutes, I'll go an' fetch him back. (Fanny pulls John's hair. He yells. She jiDnps up and slaps him.') Stop it! stop it, or I'll knock yer heads together. {Sepa- rates them and throws tJiem back into their seats. ) Becky. Gracious, what a racket! JosiAH. {To Becky.) What do you think is the best present we can git the parson's wife? Becky. Why, a statu {statue) by all means. A statu of Minervy ef you can git one. JosiAH. That's jest what I think; an' ef the deacon '11 only agree, we'll git the statu o' Minervy. Jest think what a surprise it'll be to the parson's wife. Becky. I'll bet she'll weep fer joy. {During the above the tivins have been tickling and hitting each other y knocking heads together, etc., and working up to another fight.) JosiAH. {Running at them.) Stop it. Can't you keep quiet a minute? John. It's her fault. Fan. Tain't either. It's all his fault. John. Tain't either. Fan. 'Tis too. Both. Ya, ya, ya, ya! Josiah. Stop! I tell you. Now you children must keep quiet and mind you don't worry Miss Green, who is kind enough to stay with 3^ou. Both. Ya, ya, ya, ya! Josiah. Did ye hear what 1 told ye? {Shakes them.) THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. I 1 Now keep quiet or I'll shake the hide off'n 5^e. {Bangs them doivn. ) Becky. Don't forgit that the present must be kept a secret, so's to surprise the parson's wife. JosiAH. No, Becky. Mum's the word. (7'7t>or k- bag from table. Hastily mixes tip the contents. Comedy of displaying some of the contents.) Oh, the old maid uses powder. John. {At table.) Here's some ink. 1 2 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. Fan. Let's put the ink in the face powder. John. (^Tur?is the ink in the powder box and 7'eturns bottle to table.') Fan. (yPiits bag back on table, goes up stage, picks up piece of rope. Goes to Becky, looks over her shoulder.) Oh, see the picture. What is it all about? {Puts the rope around Becky's waist and ties it behind the chair,) Becky. Don't you know it's ill-mannered to look over an}' one's shoulder? Fan. 'Tain't either. Becky. Don't you contradict me. . Fan. I will all I want to. {Runs to window — looks out.) Oh, see the drunken man. Come on, Johnny, we'll have some fun. (John rufis up stage.) Becky. Come back here, this instant. Fan. Why don't you come and get us? Becky. Come here,' I say. , The Twins. (^Together.) Ya, ya, ya, ya! {Twirl their fingers at Becky and exeunt door, R. C.) Becky. The little rascals. I'll have to punish them. (Starts to follow the Twins. Is fastened to chair. Comedy of tryitig to get up, whirling around, etc. Filially discovers the cause, and releases herself.) Gracious, my face is just burn- ing up with all this excitement. I'll have to use some pow- der. ( Takes work-bag and applies the powder {burnt cork) ; comedy of applying it, etc. Puts bag on table. ^Jie Twins yelling outside.) Becky. I wonder what they're up to now. If I follow them*they'll run away from me. I'll have to go around the back way an' drive 'em in just like sheep. {Exit door, L.) Fan. {Puts her head in door, R. C, looks around, calls off.) All right. {Motions to John to e?iter.) Enter Sheriff, intoxicated, led ^_y John- ««^ Fan. THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. I3 Sheriff. Hie — want — go home. John. That's what we're doing. Taking you home. Sheriff. Want — go home. Fan. What are you talkin' about. You're home now. Sheriff. Whoop. {Nearly falls.^ Fan. Steady there — now, steady. {The Twins dump the Sheriff into a chair down R.) Sheriff. {Snoring, going to sleep, muttering.) Want to go home. John. Now you've got him, what are you going to do? Fan. {Takes brush fro7n table.) Oh, here's a brush, get the ink. John. I turned it all in the powder box. Fan. Well, then, get the powder box. (John gets 'B'E.CK.Y^s powder box, the burnt cork is dampened sufficiently to apply with brushy holds the box for Fanny. Fan paints black streaks all over the Sheriff's face.) Sheriff. {Half asleep.) Let me 'lone. {Hitting flies, snoring, dtc. The Twins place brush and ink bottle on table and get behind Sw^iRWF, laughing at hi77i^ etc., ad lib.) Sheriff. {Snores especially loud and wakes up.) W^here am I? Fan. You're right in your own dear little home. Sheriff. Phwat are yez doin' here? John. Oh, we're the new servants. Sheriff. Oh, ye are, are ye? Hie — faith, it*s a foine noite. Hie — somebody discharged me old servants, an' enehanged new ones. Hie — everything's changed around so I wouldn't recognize me own home. Hie — take me to me room. {The Twins raise the Sheriff and let hi?n drop on chair. Then raise hi?n up, pull the chair away a?id let hijn fall on the floor. Then raise him up and fire him out door, R. ) Fan. Here comes the old maid. 14 'J'HOSE DREADFUL TWINS. John. If she catches us she'll lick us. Fan. Oh, who cares for her lickins. Come on, John, and see the fun. {Grabs ']oYi^ by the ear and runs J m be- hind sofa, up R.') Enter Becky, door Z., her face still black. Becky. If them twins are lost, I suppose I'll be held responsible. Gracious! what a lot of trouble they are. I went out on the street and a crowd collected and laughed at me. (^Looks at her dress, etc., for the cause.^ I don't see why. I never was laughed at before. I declare, I'm all tuckered out. (^Sits L. ) Enter Sheriff, door R., wrapped in blanket. Sheriff. Hie — I can't find divil a bit of me clothes to change. {Intoxicated through this scene. Becky j^Y.kCO^ and Josiah. Enter John and Fan., L. 2.) Here, you dreadful twins, wake up these terriers while I attind to the lady. (John and Fan, jump over, kick, etc.) THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 3I Becky. {Coming to.) Where am I? Sheriff. Faith, ye're with yer friends, safe and sound. Excuse me fer wheelin' ye here in that thingamajig, but it was the only carriage I could find. Aisy, now, moind the step. {Helps Becky out of ca7'riage. ) Becky. {Sees Josiah «;^;^ Deacon. ) Land sakes alive! What's come over the deacon? Sheriff. Well, I'll tell ye. They've been standin' in the sun. Faith, that box was too heavy, and the load was too much for 'em. Becky. {Nervous.) An' no medicine here? Oh, give them some lemonade, quick! Sheriff. Begorra, I really don't think it'd be good for 'em — you see they've had too much water — faith, I'm afraid they've had more to drink now than is good for 'em. Becky. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Give me a drink. {Goes to pail. ]OYi^ and ¥k^., specialties.') Sheriff. {I?iterrupts her.) Faith, it'll be me that'll have that honor. {Hands her cupful. ) Becky. How clamefied you Irishmen be. {Drinks, spits.) Oh! Oh! It's pizened. Somebody's^ pizened the lemonade! Sheriff. Pizen ! What the deuce shall we do with them ? {Points to Josiah and Deacon.) Becky. Get 'em to the river fast as we can, strip off their clothes an' dump 'em in. It'll soak out the pizen. {She grasps Deacon, Sheriff takes Josiah, and they hustle thetti off, U. R. , followed by John and Fan. , yelling and danc- ing with delight. ) Enter Lynx, U. L. Lynx. Foiled again, but I'm still on their track. {Looks off R.) There goes the whole gang. What do I see? They're undressing two of the men. Ah, I under- 32 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. Stand! The leader has murdered two accomplices and is going to sink the bodies in the river, but I'll circumvent them. I'll secure their clothes and hold them as evidence. Hush! Not a word! {^Exit U. R.) Enter Mrs. B., R. 2. Mrs. B. I wonder if he's attending to business, or drinking up the money I advanced him. I'll wait around and see if he puts in an appearance. {^Specialty. Exit L. 2.) Enter Lynx, U. R., with clothes. Lynx. I've secured the clothes. Now I'll take them to headquarters to be marked for identification. Hush! Not a word! {Exit U. L. Noise outside — Hey! Hey! Stop, thief!) Sheriff. {Runs on R.) Where did he go? I'll teach him to steal clothes. {Exit U. 6'.) Enter Becky, U. R. Becky. Gracious! What a desperate thief that must be! He's bound to steal something. I'll have to rig up somethin' fer them boys ter wear. They certainly can't go home in that condition. JosiAH. {Heard on R.) Who stole my clothes? Deacon. {Heard out of ?text entrance.') I want my clothes. John and Fan. {Run on U. L., point to J. andD.) Yah! Yah! Rubber! Becky. (TV'Twins.) Keep quiet, can't ye? (TI'Josiah and Deacon.) Now, you boys, get in them bji&hes where nobody can see you, an' I'll get you some clothes. {Exit U. R.) John. Ain't it fun? Fan. Shut up, or you'll give the whole snap away. (John and ¥ AN. ye//, dance, etc.) ■* THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 33 Enter Josiah and Deacon, U, R., each with table-cloths round them. Deacon Oh, I'm so tired. Becky. {To Twins.) Stop, or I'll knock yer heads to- gether. {To Deacon.) I'm sorry, Deacon, but it's the best I could do. JosiAH. We nearly had to go home in a barrel. Enter Mrs. B., L. 2, sees John and FatQ2.zovi {shakes hi7n~), tain't good for you to sleep in a chair. Deacon. Oh, I'm so tired. Becky. Well, you jest come right out into the dinin' room an' I'll get you a cup of hot tea. Deacon. (^Trying to rise. ^ Oh, I'm paralyzed. Becky. Be ye sure? Can't ye get up? Let me help ye. Deacon. (^Groani/ig.) Send for the doctor. Becky. Oh, Josiah, Josiah, quick! Enter Josiah, L. Josiah. What's the difficulty? Becky. Why, the Deacon's got a paralytic stroke. Josiah. Ye don't say? Wall, catch hold of him an' we'll carry him over to the sofa. (Becky and ]osiay{ trying to lift Deacon.) Deacon. {Groajis.) Oh, I'm dying. I know I shall die. Enter Sheriff, C. Becky. Sheriff, the Deacon's got a paralytic stroke. We can't lift his feet. Sheriff. Faith, so have I. Do you know what's the matter wid him? Well, it's glue; plain every day glue. Becky. Glue? Josiah. Why, Deacon, yer feet are stuck fast to the floor. Deacon. Eh? Becky. What's that? Josiah. I know who's done this. It's them pesky twins. Just brace yourself till I cut them loose. 44 THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. Deacon. Oh, don't hurt me— don't hurt me. JosiAH. There, now, see if ye can get up. Deacon. {Rises.) I'm all right now. Becky. Gracious, but I was scared for a minute {Up L. with Sheriff.) JosiAH. {With Deacon, R.) Deacon, the time's come when we've got to speak out. Deacon. What about, Josiah? JosiAH. You see ef we don't come to an understanding pretty quick, the Sheriff' 11 cut us both out. Deacon. I reckon I stand the best chance of any of you with Becky. JosiAH. Not a bit better'n I do. Does he, Becky? Becky. What's that? JosiAH. Why, which do you think the most of, me or the Deacon? Becky. Why, I think just as much of one as I do of the other. JosiAH. What did I tell ye? Now, how are we goin' ter decide which gets her? Deacon. I am opposed to gamblin' in any form, but under the present circumstances the best we can do is to flip up a coin. JosiAH. I'll go you, ef I lose. {Gets coin.) Which shall it be, heads or tails? Deacon. Tails. JosiAH. All right! Heads I git her, tails y^ou git her. Here goes. {Flips coin.) Heads she be. Hooray! I git her — I git her. {Grabs Becky.) Becky. Josiah, what's the matter? JosiAH. Why, Deacon an' I jest tossed a coin to see which of us should marry you, an' I won. Hooray! Heads I won. L.ofC. THOSE DREADFUL TWINS. 45 Becky. Well, that's all very kind of you boys, but the worst of it is, I jest promised to marry the Sheriff. JosiAH AND Deacon. What? Sheriff. Begorra, she's right, an' a flushin' bride she'll be. Becky. An' you bet I'll make you toe the mark ef you have any more of your drinkin' spells. Deacon. Well, I swan. JosiAH. No need of my sayin' how disappointed I be — but I wish you both joy. Bless you, my children. Enter Lynx, C. Lynx. You are all prisoners. The house is surrounded by police, so resistance will be in vain. JosiAH. What does all this mean? Lynx. It means your little game is up; and I, Lynx, the detective, have captured the gang. Becky. What gang? Lynx. A pack of villains headed by Josiah Brown. JosiAH. What's the — Lynx. (^Notebook.') Get woman out of way — pull off arms and legs — take body in closed carriage to Indian Bend. JosiAH. {Laughs.^ Why, he's talkin' about the statue. Lynx. What statue? Becky. Why, a statue of Minervy we bought fer the Parson's wife. Lynx. That's all very well, but how are you goin' to account fer the sudden disappearance of Mrs. Brown? JosiAH. Sudden disappearance? Why, my wife has been dead fer nigh on to twenty years. Lynx. {At Sheriff.) I mean his wife. Becky. Why, Sheriff, how could you? {Tears.) Sheriff. Don't mind him, he's crazy. Faith, I've been an old bachelor for forty-seven years. * 46 those dreadful twins. Enter Mrs. B., C. Lynx. What, alive? Mrs. B. Very much so, indeed. JosiAH I hope you ain't got the nerve to come here tryin' to work that kidnappin' game again. Enter Josie, R. JosiE. Father — JosiAH. What, youhere? Ain't you ashamed of yourself? JosiE. Why, father, what do you mean? JosiAH. Why, leavin' them twins the way you did. Josie. Why, you know very well I couldn't bring them with me, and I shall not rest a minute till I'm back again. Enter Sheriff and Becky, door R. JosiAH. Well, you needn't worry on that score for there they are right behind you. JosiE. {Asfofiished.) What? {Turns.) Why, they are not my children! JosiAH. {Surprised.) Not your children? Well, whose children are they then? Mrs. B. If you will permit me — JosiAH. Madam, you have already been — enough. John and Fan. {To Mrs B.) Ma, we want to go home. All. What? Mrs B. Does that convince you that they are my children? JosiAH. I see it all now. You can take yojir children, an' I beg your pardon, an' I want to tell you them kids are thoroughbreds, even if they are to be our Twins. curtain. V THAN THE SCRAP-BOOK RECITATION SERIES. NUGGETS PI^OM THB MINES OP IMAGINATION. CONTENTS OF No. 5. PRICE 25 CENTS, POST-PAID. A Nameless Hero (Heroic Poem). Mark Twain's Mining Story. A Culprit (Humorous Poem). The Friar's Christmas. For the Chief's Daughter (Tragic PoemV Burdock's Music Box (Very Funny). Eulogy on O'Connell. Agnes, I Love Thee. Neighbors (Specimen of Gossip). Jerusalem by Moonlight. Purpose. The Chariot Race (Fine Description). Birth of the Rainbow (Poem) Tom's Little Star ^Capital Short Poem). Unwritten Poems. Emancipation of Man (Burlesque). Christine. How I Tended the Baby (Comic). Battle of the Cowpens (Heroic Poem). Nebuchadnezzar. Universal Education. Temperance Lesson — Just Twenty-one. Pat's Reason (Comic). Defence of Hofer (Patriotic). Thet Boy of Ourn (Dialect Poerh). Hannibal's Address. She Referred Him to Her Pa. Patriotism. Winnie's Welcome (Irish Poem). Speech of Patrick Henry (Patriotic, ratibn). My First Pantaloons. Peaceable Secession (Oration). Pharisee and Sadducee. A Soldier Tramp. Domestic Economy (Humorous). The Flying Dutchman. Une Robe Angelique. A Frontier Bridal — Almost a Tragedy ( Fine Poem). The Origin of Scandal. The Unknown Speaker (Prize Oration). Decoration Day Poem — "Memorial Day." Little Charlie's Big Story. The Donkey's Dream Humorous). Startling Revelations (Very F'unny). "There is a Spiritual Body." Praying for Papa. Minding the Hens (HumorouS!*. Der Shpider und Der Fly. One Thing He Forgot. Curly-Head. Jimmie's Prayer. He Gave Him a Start. Shall America Betray Herself? Kiss Deferred, The (Fine Pathe:'^ Poem.) If I Were a Boy Again. The Rustle of a Wing. Light over the Range (Miner's Dial**^tV. Grady's Great Speech, "The New Soutk." The Oak and the Vine (Humorous). Cassandra Brown. Empty Nest, The. Aux Italiens (a Poem). The Blind Preacher. Lorraine. The Curtain Fixture (Humorous) The Telegram. She Would be a Mason (Humorous). A Mysterious Duel. The Last Hymn, a Story of Shipwreck. Waiting for the Bugle. The Codfish. T. S. DENISON. Publisher, 163 Randolph Street, CHICAGO. llifCBFTTl?!]* ----- ALL SORTS OF GOOD THINGS OONTBNTS OF No. 6. PBIOB POST PAID, PAPER, 25 CENTS. Boy, A Brave, Temperance Recitation. Bachelor of Many, Ovie Bill Nye's Hired Girl, Very Funny. Beggar Boy, Only \, Pathetic. Break! Break! Break! Brakeman, About a, Comic Sarcasm. Christmas Carol, A Chinese Lilies, Beautiful Sentiment. Concert, A Home, Fine Domestic Tribute. Counting Eggs, Negro Dialect (^Good Encore.) Conquered, A Song for the Camp, Music in, G. A. R. Recitation, Diffidence. Down the Stream, Pathetic Life Lesson. De Massa ob de Sheepfol'. Decoration Day Oration. Dead, He Woke the, Comic Negro Speech. Disappointment, Sore, A Vainly Sought Kiss. Elder Sniffles' Courtship, Very Humorous. Elf-Child, The, Good Encore. Flood of Years. The Four Flies, The, Comic Boarding House Epi- sode. Fence o' Scripture Faith, The, Pathetic Scotch Dialect. God in History. Girls Study, How, Humorous. Grant, Eulogy on, Pathetic. Guilty, Yes, I'm, Temperance Human Littleness. Ireland, Appeal to. Patriotic, Oratorical. Is Fidelity Eternal ? Long Ago, Fine Retrospect. Love Song, A Concord, Extravaganza. Logan, A Tribute to. Patriotic. Mary Stuart, Scene from. Dramatic (fine). McDonald's Charge at Wagram, Heroic. Marriage, A Theosophic, Humorous. Maiden Martyr, Pathetic Poem. Mysterious Rappings. Model Woman, The Musket, The Man with a, Patriotic. Mary Jane, The Modern, and Mediaeval Bal lad of, Fine Shadow Picture Piece. Niagara's Sacrifice. Norine. Nothin' to Say. On the Other Train, Pathetic. Outlaws, The Price of a Drink,The,Temperance Recitation. Pin, A Pickett's Charge at Gettysburg, Heroic. Parson Kelley. Prayer. Rainy Day,' The Romans, Appeal to the, Oratorical. Santa Claus, A Sailor. Scrooge's Reformation. Sign Board, Temperance Poem. Sojourners. Soubrette's Revenge, The, Good Hit at Re- porters. Stern and Wild, His Eye Was, Comic Anti- Climax. Serenade, A Hopeless, Comic. Scene from Richelieu, Dramatic. Toboggan Slide, Miss Splicer's, Comic. Tribute, A Just, Comic. Trouble in the Choir, Humorous Poem. Un Potpourri D' Elocution, Medley. Valedictory, A Modern High School, Bur» lesque. Why It Was Cold in May. What is a Minority ? T. S. DENISON, Publisher, S63 Randolph Street, CHICAGO. DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. FARCES AND SKETCHES. In the Wrong House, 20 min. . . Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min. .. Is the Editor in? 20 min John Smith, 30 min Just My Luck, 20 min Kansas Immigrants, 20 min. .. Kiss in the Dark, 30 min Larkins' Love Letters, 50 min. Limerick Boy, 30 min Love and Rain, sketch, 20 m. . Lucky Sixpence, 30 min Lucy's Old Man, sketch, 15 m. Mike Donovan, 15 min Misses Beers, 25 min Mistake in Identity, sketch, 15 min Model of a Wife, 25 min Movement Cure, 15 min Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 m. My Jeremiah. 20 min My Lord in Livery, 45 min.... My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. . My Turn Next, 50 min Narrow Escape, sketch, 15 m.. Not at Home, 15 min On Guard, 25 min Peisecuted Dutchman, 35 min. Pets of Society, 30 min Flayed and Lost, sketch, 15 m. Pull Back, 20 min Quiet Family, 45 min Realm of Time, muBioal al- legory, 30 min Regular Fix, 50 min Rough Diamond, 40 min Row in Kitchen and Politician's Breakfast, 2 monologues... Silent Woman, 25 min Slasher and Crasher, 1 h.l5 m. Squeers' School, sketch, 18 m.. Taming a Tiger, 20 min That Rascal Pat, 35 min Too Much of a Good Thing, 50 min Turn Him Out, 50 min Twenty Minutes Under Um- brella, sketch, 20 min Two bonnycastles,45 min. ... Two Gay Deceivers, 25 min.... Two Gents in a Fix, 20 min. .. Two Ghosts in White, 25 min. Two Puddif oots, 40 min Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min . Very Pleasant Evening, 30 m. . Wanted a Correspondent, 1 hr. Which Will He Marry? 30 m. . White Caps (The), musical, 30 min Who Told The Lie? 30 min... Wide Enough for Two, 50 min. Women of Lowenburg, histori- caj sketch, 5 scenes, 50 m. . Womaa Hater (The), 30 min.. M. p. 4 2 3 4 5 4 5 3 2 3 3 1 3 2 2 1 2 3 3 3 2 2 2 2 3 3 3 2 2 6 3 7 3 2 6 4 4 8 15 6 4 4 3 3 6 3 3 1 1 3 3 3 2 8 3 3 8 5 3 5 2 10 10 2 1 X. T. Wonderful Letter, 25 min 4 1 Wooing Under Difficulties, 35 min 4 3 Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 ETHIOPIAN FARCES. Academy of Stars, 15 min 5 1 All Expenses: Or, Nobody's Son, 10 min 2 Baby Coach Parade, 20 min.. 4 2 Back from Californy ; Or, Old Clothes, 12 min 3 Deaf, In a Horn, 12 min 2 Hamlet the Dainty, 15 min .... 6 1 Handy Andy, 12 min 2 Haunted House, 8 min 2 Joke on Squinim (The). 25 m.. 4 2 Jumbo Ji>m, 30 min 4 3 Mischievous Nigger (The), 20 min 4 2 No Cure, No Pay, 10 min 3 1 Othello and Desdemona, 12 m. 2 Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 min 6 Quarrelsome Servants, 8 min.. 3 Rooms to Let, 15 min 2 1 Sham Doctor (The), 15 min... 4 2 Sports on a Lark, 8 min 3 Stage Struck Darky, 10 min... 2 1 Stocks Up, Stocks Down, 8m.. 2 Tricks, lOmin 5 2 Two Pompeys (The) , 8 min. ... 4 Uncle Jefr, 25 min 6 2 Unhappy Pair (An), 10 min. .. 3 Villikens and Hlg Dinah, 20 m. 4 1 Wax Works at Play, 30 min. . . 3 1 William Tell, 15 min 4 NEW PLAYS. Charles O'Mallev's Aunt (25c.) Cobbler (The) Convention of Papas Dude i n a Cyclone P'irst-Class Hotel Iron Hand (25c.) It's All in the Pay Streak (25c.) Indiana Man (25c.) Madame P's Beauty Parlors... New Woman Not a Man in the House Only Cold Tea Patsy O'Wang Rejected Topp's Twins (25c.) Treasure from Egypt Wanted: A Hero M. F. 5 3 6 3 6 The publislier believes that he can say truthfully that Denison's list of plays is on the whole the best se- lected and most successful in the market. New Plays will be added from time to time. T. S, DENISON, Publisher, I63 Randolph St., Chicago. jgaas asi^ rrPM- f-iti-'-"----^'^--^-'" CHOICE PLAYS AND AMUSEM Plays by T. S. DENISON. That the plays written by T. S. Deni- son are, all things considered, the best for amateurs, is attested by their very large and increasing sale. New plays in this type. COMEDIES. ACTS. TIME. M. F. Odds With the Enemy, 5, 2 hrs. 7—4 Se