MOTHE 
 
 Goose 
 
 GRIDIRON^. 
 
 R 
 
 DECEMBER 
 1911 
 
OTHER GOOSE 
 
 IN 
 
 GRIDIRON RHY 
 
 A Collection of 
 Alphabets, Rhymes, Tales and Jingles 
 
 WITH 80 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 DECEMBER DINNER OF 
 
 Wi}t ^ri&iron Club 
 
 WASHINGTON. D. C. 
 DECEMBER 9. 1911 
 

 ®l|p (Bribiron |lrrBB 
 
 W. r. ROBIRT* COMPANY. Manaoii 
 
s 
 
 VICTIMS 
 
 II II 11 11 11 11 11 
 
 U 
 
 Aldrich, Nelson W 7 
 
 American Protective Tariff League 51 
 
 Bailey, Joseph W 21, 50 
 
 Baldwin, Simeon E 55 
 
 Borah, William E 33 
 
 Bourne, Jonathan 8, 72 
 
 Brown, Norris 72 
 
 Bryan, William J 55 
 
 Butt, Maj. Archibald 71 
 
 Cannon, Joseph G 9, 51, 53 
 
 Clapp, Moses E 71 
 
 Clark, Champ 9, 31, 55 
 
 Clark, Clarence D 70 
 
 Congress, Members of 32, 74 
 
 Congress, "Ex" Members of 30 
 
 Consumed, Mrs. Ultimately 39 
 
 Crane, W. Murray 52 
 
 Crawford, Coe 1 71 
 
 Cummins, Albert B 62 
 
 Davis, JefT 10 
 
 Dixon, Joseph M 70 
 
 Fisher, Walter L 12, 73 
 
 Folk, Joseph W 55 
 
 Foss, Eugene N 55 
 
 Gardner, Augustus P 13 
 
 Garfield, James R 6 
 
 Gaynor, William J 55 
 
 Guggenheim, Simon 47 
 
 Harmon, Judson 31, 55 
 
 Heyburn, Weldon B 33,73 
 
 High Cost of Living 39 
 
 Hill, Ebenezer J 11 
 
 HiUes, Charles D 14, 34 
 
 Hines, Edward 38 
 
 Hitchcock, Frank H 14, 61 
 
 Houser, Walter L 72 
 
 Knox, Philander C 17 
 
 LaFollete. Robert M 6, 18, 31 
 
 62, 71 
 
 Lehmann, Frederic W 49 
 
 Lloyd, James T 50 
 
 Lodge, Henry Cabot 13, 52 
 
 Lorimer, William 38 
 
 MacVeagh, Franklin 19 
 
 Mann, James R 16 
 
 Marshall, Thomas B 55 
 
 Meyer, George von L 19 
 
 Nagel, Charles 20 
 
 Norris, George W 72 
 
 Owen, Robert L 21 
 
 Payne, Sereno E 26 
 
 Penrose, Boies 67, 70 
 
 Pinchot, Gifford 6, 22, 48 
 
 Reciprocity, Canadian 35 
 
 Roosevelt, Theodore 6, Zl 
 
 Root, Elihu 24 
 
 Sherman, James S. . . 25, 60, 66, 69 
 
 Smoot, Reed 70 
 
 Stephenson, Isaac 15, 38 
 
 Stimson, Henry L 25, 60 
 
 Taft. William H 8, 12, 18, 25, 26 
 
 29, 31, 34, 51, 62 
 
 Tariff 7, 27, 35, 39, 51, 63 
 
 Tariff Board 51 
 
 Taylor, Robert L 36 
 
 Tilson, John Q 23 
 
 Underwood, Oscar W 27, 55 
 
 Vrceland, Edward B 28 
 
 Warren, Francis E 70 
 
 White House, The 5 
 
 Wickersham, George W 29,54 
 
 Wiley, Harvey W 29 
 
 Wilson, James 29 
 
 Wilson, Woodrow 31, 55 
 
^H 
 
This is the house that Jack 
 (ought to have) Built. 
 
Beat 'em up, beat 'em up, progressive 
 
 man, 
 So we will, Bobby, as fast as we can; 
 Well beat 'em and kick *em and mark 
 
 'emN. G., 
 Yours truly, T. R., Jimmie G. and Giff P. 
 
Hi<t^^ 
 
 :-%, 
 
 A 
 
 Is for Aldrich, of fame and 
 
 renown, 
 Whose tariff bill still is the talk 
 
 of the town. 
 
B 
 
 Is for Bourne, of third term 
 repute, 
 
 Now with the Taft boom en- 
 gaged in dispute. 
 
c 
 
 Is for Cannon, or Clark, as you 
 
 please, 
 Czars before whom all fall on 
 
 their knees. 
 
D 
 
 Is for Davis, of Ozark, b'gum, ^^ 
 
 Who has just been *' bridled" 
 
 and now stays t' hum. 
 
 10 
 
E 
 
 Is for Ebenezer, with billiard ball 
 head, 
 
 If t'were not white t' would prob- 
 ably be red. 
 
 11 
 
F 
 
 Is for Fisher, President Taft's 
 
 "hope;" 
 Giff is now handing out only soft 
 soap. 
 
 12 
 
V^KE 
 
 G 
 
 Is for Gardner, his daddy's 
 
 named Lodge; 
 Mention it to Gus, and Gussie 
 
 will dodge. 
 
 13 
 
H 
 
 Is for Hitchcock, or Hilles, both 
 
 good 
 To run a campaign, if either 
 
 one would. 
 
 14 
 
I 
 
 Is for Isaac, a Biblical name; 
 *' Ask and ye shall receive "—He knows 
 that game. 
 
 U 
 
J 
 
 Is for Jimmie guess it, if you can; 
 You will find he is somewhat of a 
 Mann. 
 
 16 
 
K 
 
 Is for Knox, not knocking, you 
 
 know, 
 Whose dollar diplomacy is now 
 
 all the go. 
 
 17 
 
L 
 
 Is for La Follette, a whirlwind 
 
 for talk, 
 Whose Presidential boom Taft 
 
 hopes to balk. 
 
 18 
 
^^^^^ 
 
 M 
 
 Is for MacVeagh or Meyer, 
 
 men of means; 
 One represents pork and the 
 
 other baked beans. 
 
 19 
 
N 
 
 Is for Nagel, from St. Louis 
 
 town, 
 A Cabineteer who aspires to a 
 
 gown. 
 
 20 
 
o 
 
 Is for Owen, Sir Robert, the bold, 
 Whose "Isms" made Bailey's 
 extremities cold. 
 
 21 
 
p 
 
 Is for Pinchot, a chip off the block; 
 He's equally good at the boost or 
 the knock. 
 
 22 
 
Is for Quillen, alias John Tilson. 
 Pabst? Schlitz? Anheuser? We 
 have it! Pilsen. 
 
 23 
 
They Re 
 
 NOT 
 
 SYwoK/YMous 
 '\Terms 
 
 R 
 
 Is for Root, not the root of all evil, 
 To whom the term uplift does 
 not mean upheaval. 
 
 24 
 
Chelp~^ 
 
 b^lS^^ 
 
 S 
 
 Is for Sherman, or Stimson. Help! 
 
 Help! 
 Which one will Taft take unto 
 
 himself? 
 
 26 
 
T 
 
 Is for Taft, or Tariff so high 
 "Which must be revised" (in 
 the sweet bye and bye). 
 
 26 
 
u 
 
 Is for Underwood, of stately 
 
 mien. Oh! 
 His tariff speeches give a pain 
 
 to Sereno. 
 
 27 
 
V 
 
 Is for Vreeland. Standpatter? 
 
 You bet! 
 On tariff and bobtails he's 
 
 standing still yet. 
 
 28 
 
w 
 
 Is for Wickersham, Wiley and 
 
 Wilson, 
 An adulteration Taft can't 
 
 keep still, son. 
 
 29 
 
//^^T •• Is for those who from pub- 
 
 jL He Hfe sever; 
 
 lA JL They come and go, We 
 
 go on forever. 
 
 30 
 
Y 
 
 Is for "Yes," the blushing maid's 
 
 answer; 
 Candidates always say "Yes" if 
 
 they can, sir. 
 
 31 
 
z 
 
 is for Zoo, a part of the show; 
 The big show now here is Con- 
 gress, you know. 
 
 32 
 
As Bill Heyburn and Bill Borah 
 
 Were walking out one Sunday, 
 
 Says Bill Heyburn to Bill Borah, 
 "Tomorrow will be Monday." 
 
Little Charlie Hilles, first aide to Will, is 
 Eating some White House pie; 
 
 If he puts in his thumb and pulls out this 
 plum, 
 There is nobody here who will cry. 
 
 34 
 
(0 
 
 a 
 H 
 
 4. This 
 little pig 
 got none. 
 
 I . This little pig went to market. 
 
 
 oq" 
 
 Q- 
 
 O 
 
 5. This little 
 pig cried 
 wee, wee, 
 all the 
 way 
 home. 
 
 85 
 
"Robert, come give me your fiddle, 
 If ever you mean to thrive." 
 
 "Nay, ril not give my fiddle 
 To any man alive. 
 
 "If I should give my fiddle, 
 
 They'll think that IVe gone mad, 
 For many a joyful day 
 My fiddle and 1 have had.'* 
 
 86 
 
There was a busy man who Hved on a 
 
 hill, 
 He lives there yet, but not always still. 
 On Tennessee Iron he says he was "wise," 
 And he's the ONE man who never 
 
 tells lies. 
 
 87 
 
Billy Lorimer picked a peck 
 
 Of Hines' splinters; 
 A peck of Hines' splinters 
 
 Billy Lorimer picked. 
 If Billy Lorimer picked a peck 
 
 Of Hines' splinters, 
 Where's the peck of Hines' splinters 
 
 Uncle Isaac picked? 
 
 38 
 
OLD MOTHER HUBBARD 
 
 (Or the Horrible Tale of Mrs. Ultimately Consumed) 
 
 Old Mother Hubbard 
 Went to the cupboard 
 
 To get her poor children a bone ; 
 But when she came there 
 The cupboard was bare, 
 
 It was plain the shelves held none. 
 
 39 
 
She went to the baker's 
 
 To buy them some bread, 
 
 But wheat had gone up, 
 Reciprocity was dead. 
 
 She went to the joiner's 
 
 A coffin to buy, 
 But she found that cremation 
 
 Was not half so high. 
 
 40 
 
She took a clean dish 
 
 To buy them some trout, 
 But the price was so ** fishy" 
 
 She came away without. 
 
 She went to the ale-house 
 To buy them some beer, 
 
 But the cost of the drink 
 
 Took away all the cheer. 
 
 41 
 
She went to the tavern 
 
 For white wine and red, 
 
 But when she had priced it, 
 She took water, instead. 
 
 She went to the hatter's 
 To buy them a hat. 
 
 But the things that were swell 
 Made her pocket-book flat. 
 
 42 
 
She went to the barber's 
 With wigs to display, 
 
 She found nothing there 
 
 But a high price '* toupee.' 
 
 She went to the fruiterer's 
 To buy them some fruit, 
 
 But the figures had taken 
 The aerial route. 
 
 43 
 
She went to the tailor's 
 To buy them a coat, 
 
 The tailor convinced her 
 
 That she was the *' goat." 
 
 She went to the cobbler's 
 
 To buy them some shoes, 
 
 It was plain she must give 
 To the tariff its dues. 
 
 44 
 
She went to the sempstress 
 To buy them some linen, 
 
 The cost plainly showed her 
 She was in for a skinnin . 
 
 She went to the hosier's 
 To buy them some hose, 
 
 He took what was left. 
 Increasing her woes. 
 
 The Dame made a curtsey, 
 The Trusts made a bow; 
 
 The Dame said, "Your servant.' 
 The Trusts said *' Kow-tow." 
 
 46 
 
Then Old Mother Hubbard 
 Went back to the cupboard 
 
 Where she had sought for a bone; 
 And she said, ** I declare, 
 It will have to stay bare," 
 
 So the poor little children got none. 
 
 46 
 
Little Simon met a Sly Man 
 
 Going to Alaska; 
 Says Little Simon to the Sly Man, 
 "What is there, I ask you?" 
 
 47 
 
Says the Sly Man to Little Simon, 
 ** There's copper there in plenty." 
 
 Says Little Simon to the Sly Man, 
 "Of coppers I have many." 
 
 Little Simon had six brothers 
 
 Who saw what there was in it; 
 
 They sent the Sly Man to Alaska — 
 Little Simon to the Senate. 
 
 Little G. P. 
 Went to sea. 
 In an open boat; 
 The little boat 
 
 bended — 
 My story's ended. 
 
There was a fat man from St. Lou-ay, 
 Sat trust-busting one sunshiny day; 
 For the press he had naught, 
 Though steel was his thought, 
 Which vex'd the fat man from St. Lou-ay. 
 
 49 
 
A dillar, a dollar, 
 A 12 o'clock 
 
 scholar, 
 We like the 
 
 Senate's gall; 
 ^It's coming now at 
 
 2 o'clock — 
 Why does it come 
 
 at all? 
 
 -^<^^ 
 
 "^Cr^ 
 
 Jimmie Lloyd, a Con- 
 \\ ^ gressman, 
 
 Came back to Wash- 
 ^^ ington 
 
 O n Democratic victory 
 feeling vain; 
 
 He stepped in a pat- 
 ronage muddle. 
 
 Like a Missouri toll- 
 road puddle. 
 
 And he sw^ears he'll 
 ne'er do that again. 
 
 50 
 
Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any pull? 
 The Tariff Board is after the rates on Wooh 
 Yes, we have stand -patters and the A. P. T. L , 
 While presidential vetoes are doing very well. 
 
 51 
 
Cabot and Murray each separately delve 
 On their own little jobs 'till the clock 
 
 strikes 1 2 ; 
 Then up starts Cabot and looks far away, 
 "Oh, brother Murray, we are both from 
 
 Back Bay!" 
 " Yes,*' says Murray, choking, by stealth, 
 "Until Adjournment then each for him- 
 self." 
 
 52 
 
Old King Joe was a merry old soul, 
 
 And a merry old soul was he; 
 
 He called for his smoke, 
 
 And his highball, too, 
 
 And he called for his cronies three. 
 
 And every crony had a very good hand. 
 
 And a very fine hand had he ; 
 "Tweedle dee, tweedle dee," said Old 
 
 King Joe, 
 ** Oh, there's none so rare as can compare 
 
 With a stand-pat hand. Give me three. 
 
 53 
 
-V,^ y 
 
 
 There was a man from New York Town, 
 And he was wondrous wise; 
 
 He raked in sheckles by the pound 
 From trusts, and closed his eyes. 
 
 But he came down to Washington 
 
 And with all his might and main, 
 
 He jumped into so many trusts, 
 He gave them all a pain. 
 
 54 
 
Ten little candidates in presidential line — 
 One got bashful, and then there were nine. 
 
 Nine little candidates tried to frame a slate 
 One backed out, and then there were eight. 
 
 55 
 
Eight little candidates *for political heaven — 
 One hit a primary, and then there were seven. 
 
 Seven little candidates w^ent to fixing sticks 
 One got hurt, and then there were six. 
 
 56 
 
Six little candidates monkeyed with a hive — 
 One got stung, and then there were five. 
 
 Five little candidates tried to take the floor — 
 One got stepped on, and then there were four. 
 
 67 
 
Four little candidates tried to climb a tree 
 One fell out, and then there were three. 
 
 Three little candidates out in a canoe — 
 One fell overboard, and then there were two, 
 
 58 
 
Two little candidates fooling with a gun — 
 One got shot, and then there was one. 
 
 Ons little candidate standing all alone — 
 He got left, and the dark horse won. 
 
Jim and Henry went up the hill 
 To fetch a pail of votes, sir ; 
 
 Jim fell down and broke his crown, 
 
 And Henry was in the same boat, 
 sir. 
 
 Up both got and home did trot. 
 With sundry funny capers; 
 
 Bill Barnes had the job to plaster their 
 knobs, 
 And keep it out of the papers. 
 
 60 
 
Frankie Hitchcock went to sea, 
 Heeding not my tearful plea; 
 He'll come back and marry me, 
 Pretty Frankie Hitchcock. 
 
 Frankie Hitchcock 's lean and fair, 
 Combing down his yellow hair; 
 Now he 's gone up in the air; 
 Pretty Frankie Hitchcock. 
 
 61 
 
Albert C. and Robert L. 
 
 Resolved to have a battle, 
 For Albert C. said Robert L. 
 
 Had spoiled his nice new rattle. 
 Just then came by a monstrous man, 
 
 As big as a tar-barrel. 
 Which frightened both the heroes so. 
 
 They quite forgot their quarrel. 
 
 62 
 
THE TARIFF'S LITTLE LAMB. 
 
 (A Melodrama in Eight Stanzas.) 
 
 The tariff had a Httle lamb, 
 
 Its fleece was snowy white, 
 
 It followed him around all day. 
 And slept by him at night. 
 
 63 
 
Once this little lamb was small, 
 But now it IS not so, 
 
 For the tariff fed his little pet 
 Until it had to grow. 
 
 64 
 
To Congress it was brought one day; 
 
 They tried to put it out, 
 But they found the Iamb was now a 
 ram, 
 
 Which had grown very stout. 
 
 es 
 
The President was a little man ; 
 
 His face was bright, but red; 
 And he had little hair upon 
 
 His bald and shiny head. 
 
 iB6 
 
And when he could not catch the lamb, 
 He called upon the "regulars," 
 
 While "insurgents" chased it 'round the 
 room, 
 And made a dreadful noise. 
 
 67 
 
And still it ran about the room, 
 And did not seem to tire, 
 
 Until the Democrats jumped in. 
 And set the place on fire. 
 
 68 
 
The bells then rang, the firemen came, 
 But could not quench the fire; 
 
 The poor lamb fled and hastened to 
 The White House to expire. 
 
 69 
 
When the tariff missed his little lamb, 
 He raised a dreadful wail ; 
 
 Just then Mister Taft pulled it out, 
 And saved it by the tail. 
 
 70 
 
Ride a cock-horse to 
 Manassas, of course, 
 
 To see the great major 
 when not on a horse; 
 
 With braid on his shoul- 
 ders and mud on his 
 toes — 
 
 These were only a few 
 of his woes. 
 
 Moses Clapp 
 
 killed a calf, 
 Coe I. Crawford 
 
 got the half; 
 Bob LaFollette 
 
 got the head— 
 Ring the bell, the 
 
 calf is dead! 
 
 71 
 
Jack Bourne 
 passed the hat, 
 
 And found the " 
 income lean; 
 
 Walt Houser 
 had been be- 
 fore, you see. 
 
 And licked the 
 platter clean. 
 
 We'll sing you a chorus, 
 About George W. 
 
 Norris, 
 And now my 
 
 story's begun. 
 We'll sing you 
 
 another 
 About Norris 
 
 Brown (not his 
 .^ Brother), 
 
 And now my 
 
 story's done. 
 
 72 
 
Walter be 
 
 nimble, 
 Walter be 
 
 quick, 
 And settle 
 
 Alaska 
 With a big 
 
 stick. 
 
 Bye, Billy, bunting, 
 Daddy's gone a-hunt- 
 
 ing. 
 To get a little thicker 
 
 skin. 
 To wrap his Billy 
 
 bunting in. 
 
 73 
 
\\\ilJl///y 
 
 TO CONGRESS 
 
 Men of words and not of deeds 
 Are not just what this Congress needs; 
 Although 't has been a most popular place 
 To talk one's self black in the face. 
 
 74 
 
COMMITTEE ON MENU AND SOUVENIR 
 
 Leroy T. Vernon, Chairman 
 
 David S. Barry 
 C. K. Berryman 
 Frank G. Carpenter 
 H. Conquest Clarke 
 J. Harry Cunningham 
 
 P. V. DeGraw 
 James P. Hornaday 
 F. A. Richardson 
 Reginald Schroeder 
 Charles W. Thompson 
 
\^^^ 
 
 W 
 
 \\'A 
 
, -'/• /-' 
 
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