\2U 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 014 492 873 8 
 
PR 4794 ^''^"'^a^ 
 
 .H3 G3 
 1811 
 Copy 1 
 
 TE EXTRAORDINARY 
 
 ^j. 
 
 A COMEDY, 
 
 IN FIVE ACTS. 
 
 BY j/G: HOLMAN, ESQ. 
 
 AUTHOR OP " ABROAD AND AT HOME," " VOTARY 
 OF WEALTH," SfC. SfC. 
 
 Ifrom the first London edition^ of 1811] 
 
 NEW- YORK: 
 
 ?UBLISHKD BY THE LO^^?V'0RTHS, 
 
 At the Dramatic Repository, 
 Shakspeare- Gallery. 
 
 1\. 
 
PROLOGUE. 
 
 f 
 
 "^: WRITTEN BY JOHN TAYLOR*, ESft. 
 
 ^Bryden, a poet of no vulgar name, 
 Bui high among the noblest heirs of fame, 
 A poet and a politician too, 
 Who well the world, and all its humors knew-> 
 Declared his wish that "judges of the town 
 " Would pass a vote to put ail prologues down ;'' 
 Demanding proof, if " since they first were writ, 
 ** They e'er converted one hard hearted wit." 
 Tis true a timid supplicating air 
 May oft be deem'd the signal of despair, 
 That marks the conscious weakness of a cause, 
 And tempts the critics to withhold applause, 
 Who if a bard will) courage took the field. 
 Might catch his ardor, and indulgent yield. 
 Dryden might well this daring spirit try, 
 Whose vig'rous genius could his foes defy ; 
 Our humble bard, who no such povv'rs can boast, 
 Submissive bows before the critic host. 
 And sends a prologue, in the usual style. 
 To deprecate your frowns, and court your smile: 
 Not merely to let custom have her due, 
 Eut to repeat his gratitude to you ; 
 His gratitude for many a kindness past, 
 Which unimpair'd will on his mem'ry last, 
 Kor can he doubt you'll all to-night agrese 
 That lenity should temper the decree. 
 
 * To the elegant pen of this gentleman, the author 
 of the comedy is indebted for both prologue and epi- 
 logue ; and he has great pleasure in publicly express- 
 ing his sense of obligation for assistance so essential, 
 afforded with the most friendly alacrity. 
 
DRAMATIS PERSONiE. 
 
 Covent Garden. 
 Lord De Mallory Mr. Young 
 
 Sir Harry Aspen — Jones 
 
 Major Clayton — Barrymore 
 
 Mr. Heartworth — Munden 
 
 Doctor Suitall — Fazcceti 
 
 Randall - — Murray 
 
 Spruce - — Hamerton 
 
 est Oil 
 
 Dowager lady 
 De Mallory 
 
 Miss Alford Mis3 Boiion 
 
 Mrs. Leech Mrs. Davenport 
 
 Ellen Meredith Miss S. Booth 
 
 The lines marked with single inverted commas are o- 
 
 mitled in reprrsentationr 
 
 1 
 
T a t 
 
 GAZETTE EXTRAORDINARY, 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 -^CEXE 1 — an o!d kdl in the castle of De Mailory, 
 decorated with armor, trophies, S^c. 
 
 SPRUCE discovered. 
 
 Sp, I^Iercy on me, a second dibma] day ! and here 
 ^m I liUely to waste the precious hours of my youth, 
 for a ^vhole month. 1 shall begin to notch like Robin- 
 son Crusoe. My master, I hear, has some distant 
 chance of inheriting this piece of melancholy magnifi- 
 cence ; but it would be to him in every sense a dismal 
 acquisition ; for the best gentleman's gentleman in ex- 
 istence v/ouid then most peremptorily take his leave of 
 him. 
 
 RANDALL enters. 
 
 Ran Ah, mr. Spruce — here you are, I see ; no doubt 
 meditating and reflecting on departed heroes. 
 
 Sp. Yes, sir, yes — and heartily wishing myself a de- 
 parted hero too. 
 
 Ran. That is nobly spoken. Who would not die to 
 obtain their renown ? 
 
 Sp. Not I, upon my soul : for if I could not depart 
 withoiit dying, I'd stay here for ever, dull as it is. 
 
 Ran. Dull, sir ! 1 am heartily sorry we make De 
 Mallory castle so unpleasant to you. 
 
 Sp. My dear friend, you mistake me. Your cheer 
 ful face is the onlv thing- that comforts me — you look 
 A 2 
 
6 THE GAZETTE [Holmaa 
 
 like a fine smiling evergreen in a church yard, or like 
 the comical gtavedigger in Hamlet ; full of merriment, 
 though surrounded by the fragments of mortality. 
 
 Ran, Ha ! you are a joker. But Iiow does your 
 worthy master, sir Harry Aspen ? I was not in the way 
 when he arrived yesterday. 
 
 Sp. My master is, as usual, sir, always on the fidg- 
 et ; but, a servant, you know, should not expose his 
 master's foibles. 
 
 Ban. Surely not, surely not. 
 
 Sp. Oh, I would not for kingdoms, tell any body 
 what an absurd fellow my master is. 
 
 Jian. If he be absurd, it would certainly be wrong ia 
 you to make it known. 
 
 Sp. Wrong! it would be criminal, sir ;— criminal in 
 the last degree ; — and what of all things would most 
 lormeiit him ; for the terror cf his life, sir, is being an 
 object for people lo laugh at ! 
 
 Han. Be careful then. 
 
 Sp. You need not caution me, — particularly in this 
 house ; for, of all families in the world he would most 
 dread being ridiculed here. 
 
 Ran. Certainly ; — a man can least bear dif^iespect 
 from his own relations : he is, you know, a branch of 
 the male Ikie of this family. 
 
 Sp. Yes ; and he's desirous to entwine with a branch 
 of the female line of this family. 
 
 ' Ran. How do you mean ^ 
 
 ' Sp. He wants to blend branches' with lady Julia 
 Sandford. 
 
 Ran. Poh, poh— you are jesting ; — lady Julia is des- 
 tined to be united to her cousin, lord De Mailory, 
 whom we are daily expecting. 
 
 Sp. Indeed ! dont be too sure of that. 
 
 Ran. You are ignorant of the family arrangement?, 
 I find :— well, well, 1 will enlii;hten you. You mu;t 
 know, then, that the present lord Oe Mallnry's [,!;ind- 
 father, prond of his rank, and great alliances, vud bifi,h- 
 Jy incensed at the marriage of one of his sisters in a 
 wpy which he thought degrading, determined to take 
 
AcL i] EXTRAORDINARV 7 
 
 on bhriScU" Ihe disposal of his family, down to the seC' 
 end generation. 
 
 Sp. That was very considerale, and certainly the 
 plan to save wavering dispositions a great deal of trou- 
 ble. "• How kind in one's grandfather to free one from 
 * the pcrpU^xity of thinking for one's self.' 
 
 Ran. Well — his son, and his two daughters, he 
 matched to his mind, during his life, and beheld them 
 blessed with children ; — this pleased him highly ; for he 
 now saw the prospect of excluding exceptionable al- 
 liances by intermarriages in his own illustrious house. 
 
 aS'^. This scheme must have comforted old Stately, 
 marvellously. 
 
 Ran. Old Stately !— fie, fie, be more respectful. 
 
 * Sp. Well, rii try. Get on with yoar story. Heav- 
 ' en knows where it will end— we have already been 
 ' through two generations. 
 
 ' Ra7i. Patience, you prattler !' he entailed his im- 
 mense estates on his grandson, the present lord De 
 Mallory, with the stipulation, thai at a stated period, 
 which is nearly arrived, he should marry his first cou- 
 sin, lady Julia Sandford. 
 
 Sp. But how if she refuse ? 
 
 Ran. Refuse ! impossible. W^hy, by refusing, she 
 •.vould forfeit every shilling of her fortune. 
 
 Sp. My master doesn't care for that. 
 
 Ran. Plague take your master ! 
 
 Sp. With all my heart. But I say — suppose lady Ju~ 
 Tia were to refuse lord De Mallory, what is he to do then? 
 
 Ran. He? why then he must marry his other first 
 cousin, the honorable miss Alford, who is now on a vis- 
 it here. 
 
 Sp. And if lord De Mallory should be rebellious 
 •-liough to oppose the intentions of his old match-ma- 
 king grandfather, and take a wife of his own choice, 
 what would be the consequence to him ? 
 
 Ran. Ruin. The whole family estate would go to 
 your master, who, though a distant relation to lord 
 T)e Mallory, is the nearest male representative. {beU 
 ..'/■:;•.?■ hudly) 
 
S THE ©AZETTE [Holman 
 
 Sp. What the devil is the alarm bell ringing for? 
 
 Ran. Ha, ha, ha! the alarm bell ! it is the bell in 
 your master's chamber — it is only to alarm you. 
 
 Sp. Heaven preserve me ! between the sight of met- 
 al, {pointing to the armor) and the sound of it, my 
 nerves will be shaking the whole time I am here. 
 
 Ran. 1 see lady Julia coming this way. Do go to 
 sir Harry, pray — be so kind as to leave me now, mr, 
 Spruce, or you will deprive me of the happiness of 
 hearing her sweet tongue praltie: — bless her! she is 
 an angel. 
 
 Sp. Yes ; and I know who will be master of the 
 angel. Well, with two such treasures, — an anr^el for a 
 wife, and your humble servant for a valet, if he doni. 
 consider himself well appointed, he is a most uncon- 
 scionable man. [exit Spruce 
 
 lady JULIA enters., singitig. 
 
 Ran. Ah ! dear lady Julia, always cheerful, always gay. 
 
 Lady JuL Yes : it is good for the constitution — 1 in 
 tend to be a healthy, blooming old gentlewoman Only 
 think, now, of your plump rosy cheeks at seventy-five ; 
 why, you surely dont suppose that you owe those to 
 nothing but air and exercise : — bless your merry old 
 heart ! if that had not beat to the tune of good humor, 
 you would now have just such a wrinkled Virizened 
 phiz, as my lady Fidget — and she is but forty-scvcu. 
 
 Ran. You dear pleasant creature ! 
 
 Lady Jul. Besides, the pains it must take some peo 
 pie to make themselves miserable, who have not a 
 trouble in the world, would not suit my indolent hab- 
 its. Why there is mrs. Carecourt, vviih every comfort 
 in Hfe, but a husband,— and slie is rich enough to buy 
 a dozen of the best that can be brought to marktt, yel 
 will she, poor silly soul, lie awake a whole night, tr 
 hammer out vexations that may keep her awake for ts 
 fortnight to come. 
 
 Ran. Ah ! my dear lady, all are not blessed will, 
 your sweet dlspo^ition. 
 
 Ltidy JvJ, Why, then let those who are ijct gifted 
 
1 Act I] EXTRAORDINARY 9 
 
 ! only labor half as hard to be happy, as they do to be 
 ! wretched, and, my life for it, tliey succeed. It is very 
 foolish that people dont know what they would be at : 
 — to be sure, they'll tell you, in an instant, what it is 
 they most wish ; but then they set about gaining their 
 point, mighty oddly. One, is ail for comfort ; and is as 
 cross as the very devil, that every body around, may 
 contribute to give it her. With another, oh ! gaiety 
 is the delight of her heart — and she therefore chooses 
 to be dull and peevish, to encourage you to enliven 
 her. Why won't the foolish creatures learn, that 
 whatever is to be purchased, good humor is the coin to 
 procure it ? 
 
 Ran. Your sweet example would make the mos6 
 fro ward good tempered. Ah ! lady Julia, if lord Oe 
 Mailory should happen to have any little remains of 
 his boyish ill-humors, how soon will your cheerfulness 
 cure him ! 
 
 Lady Jul. I cure him ! impossible. No, no, I am 
 not so daring a doctor as to undertake such an obsti- 
 nate case. Lord De Mailory .' oh, if you love me, dont 
 mention the hobgoblin. 
 
 Ran. Hobgoblin ! is that a name for a husband ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Yes, I am afraid, a very com.mon one — 
 but as it is not an appellation I mean to bestow upon 
 mine, I shall avoid making choice of lord De Mailory. 
 
 Ran. But how will you avoid it, my dear lady ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Why, he can't marry me by main force,, 
 can he ? 
 
 Ran. \ have heard of such things. 
 
 Lady Jul. Have you indeed ? then I have a great 
 mind to run away before he comes. 
 
 Ran. Oh, you wild thing, you ! 
 
 Lady Jul. I am re!>o!ved on it : — why all the right a 
 poor woman haj, unless she be contented to Hvp a soli- 
 tary spinster, is to be a slave her own way. If I must 
 have a lord and master, I am determmed he shall be of 
 my own choosing. Oh. I'll run away. 
 
 Ran. Run away, indeed ! where would you go ? 
 your brother you knov/ i3 abroad. 
 
10 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Lady Jul. Yes, yes, or I should not be at a loss 
 where to go. He is my natural protector, and 1 am 
 sure, would save me from the chains which his h.gh 
 mightiness, my old grandfather, forged for me. Oh, 
 I'll run away. 
 
 Ran. Ha, ha ! and what will you do when you have 
 run away ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Any thing, sooner than be married against 
 my will. Oh ! I'll do a thousand things ;— why I'li — 
 lord! .1 declare, now I begin o think on it, I dont 
 know what I should do. 
 
 Ran. Ah, you flighty creature ! well, well, in spite 
 of all you say, I shall Hve to dance on my old knees, a 
 pretty little baby of yours, that will call lord De Mallo- 
 ry papa. 
 
 Lady Jul. Why then, I beg you'll whip him, for be- 
 ing a very slory telling little urchin. A baby of mine, 
 call lord Ue Mallory father ! why, I'd rather, — whafc 
 shall 1 say ? I'd rather — never have a baby as long as I 
 live. yex'ii lady Jul'm 
 
 Ran. Go your ways, go your ways, for a dear mer- 
 ry soul : — ah ! lord De Mallory you were a perverse 
 boy to sour that sweet creature's mind towards you : 
 —but come, come, 1 will live in hope that you are 
 grown a different being, and that the man is wise 
 enough to prize a treasure of which the boy did not 
 know the value. [exit Randall 
 
 -SCENE 1 1— a park, with Dc Mallory castle at a little 
 distance. 
 
 enter sir harry aspen and spruce. 
 
 Sir H. I say, Spruce, — have you looked me carefa!- 
 !y over ? 
 
 Sp. Yes. sir Harry, very carefully. 
 
 Sir H. I'll take another turn though, and mind now, 
 my good fellow, that you examine me strictly again. 
 ivcalks along for Spruce to observe him) 
 
Act I] EXTRAORDINARY 11 
 
 Sp. Airs right, sir Harry, depend on it : — nothing 
 about you thai couM move the muscles of the most con- 
 firmed joker in existence. 
 
 Sir If. That's well ; —for you know, Spruce, there 
 is nothing too trifling, now a-days, to make even a first- 
 rate character an object of ridicule. 
 
 Sp. Very true, sir Harry. 
 
 Sir H. A coat buttoned awry, or a knee-string leffc 
 antied, {looking^ sees one of his not fastened) oh, 
 curse your carelessness — there, there — I am a misera- 
 ble man. You must have some base design, sir, in such 
 conduct — I see plainly you are plotting my ruin. 
 
 Sp. Really, sir Harry, I am very sorry ; but indeed 
 it must have happened by some accident, (fastening 
 it) 
 
 Sir H. What if it did, sir ? the same accident did 
 not take away your eye-sight : — ah. Spruce, Spruce !• 
 will you never reflect, that a reputation a man has been 
 laboring years to obtain, may all be blown into the aii* 
 in a moment, by the infernal explosion of a damned 
 horse laugh ! 
 
 Sp. Pray, sir Harry, be cool ; — all is right now. 
 
 Sir H. Well, well, well — I am of a forgiving tem- 
 per : — but I say. Spruce, have you heard any of the 
 family mention me ? 
 
 Sp. No, sir Harry. 
 
 Sir H. What, really Spruce, in good earnest, you 
 iiave not heard any little lively— damn'd coarse jokes 
 made at my expense. 
 
 Sp. No, indeed, sir Harry. 
 
 Sir H. May be they are shy before you ; — have you 
 any reason to suppose they make free with me when 
 you are out of th'b way ? do they wink much. Thzt V'- 
 a vile habit. 
 
 Sp. Oh, no, sir Harry ; — never. 
 
 Sir H. And dont they whisper ? 
 
 Sp. A little, sir Harrv. 
 
 Sir ff The devil they do! 
 
 Sp. Yes, sir Harry ; but I overheard — — 
 
 Sir M. WeU— wh«t ^ w;^^ it <;fnri'"^Hin5 v^ry Tmpe> 
 
1^ THE GAZETTE [Kolmao 
 
 tinent? come, come — I am prepared — tell me the 
 worst. 
 
 Sp. You shall have it, sir Harry— I overheard mrs. 
 Tattle say, that lady Julia, her mistress, thought you — 
 
 Sir H. Quick, quick ; — what — what did she think 
 me? 
 
 Sp. A most accomplished gentleman. 
 
 Sir H. Come, come ; you are joking now. 
 
 ' Sp. Serious, sir Harry : — serious as when you are 
 ' giving me a jobation. 
 
 Sir'j^ Well — I always considered Itidy Julia a girl of 
 remarkable discernment. I must be particularly anx- 
 ious to preserve this favorable impression. Of course, 
 I can rely on your reporting me as you ought. 
 
 Sp. Oh, sir Harry, can you doubt — 
 
 Sir /f. No — no — I dont:— but there is a saying 
 which I believe has some truth in it — that no man is a 
 hero to his valet : — but if that valet, sir, is monster 
 enough to make a jest of his master's little weakness- 
 es—but there again, I am pretty secure — I am not 
 aware. Spruce, of having any particularly weak points, 
 ■ — am not in the habit of behaving very absurdly. — 
 
 Sp. Oh, nOj sir Harry. 
 
 Sir H. To be sure, little mishaps will occur to every 
 body ; — but they never should be hinted at. — V^ou'U be 
 particularly cautious not to mention that unlucky event 
 which happened to me last winter, in parliament. 
 
 Sp. What was that, sir Harry? 
 
 Sir H. Oh — you never heard of it ? then dont 
 mind, it is not worth mentioning. 
 
 Sp. Only sir Harry, that if it should be hinted at, 
 I may be able, perhaps, to explain it away. 
 
 Sir H. Then you'll succeed better than I did — I 
 «ould never explain it away. — I thought to make a 
 brilliant speech, subject matter all in my head, — burst- 
 ing with superabundant imagery — was three tim.^« 
 called to order, for interrupting a member on his 
 legs ; — at last he sat dovv^n. — Now, whether his duii 
 prose of f' ree hours, threw a cloud over my imagina- 
 tion, Or whether the dread of a faiime, which nnlicki- 
 
Act IJ EXTRAORDINARY 18 
 
 ly popped into my mind, enfeebled me, I know not ;— 
 but somehow, my voice failed, — my eyes grew dim,— 
 the chair vanished from my sight, — and my utmost 
 effort at articulation, could not get me so far as " mr. 
 Speaker." — My knees tottered, and down 1 sunk— 
 with every sense but one suspended. 
 
 Sp. Which remained, sir Harry ? 
 
 Sir H. Oh, hearing, hearing, hearing ! never shall 
 I forget the horrid sound. Billingsgate itself, with 
 London bridge to its aid, never equalled the roar of a 
 senatorial horse-laugh. 
 
 Sp. An ugly accidf^nt indeed, sir Harry ; — but I 
 dont think it has travelled this road. 
 
 Sir jH. Ah ! my dread of censure, certainly does 
 cruelly maim the effect of my talents and accomplish- 
 ments: — oh that birth day /«wr/?a5 has deprived me 
 of a complete nighfs rest, ever since. 
 
 Sp. How was that, sir Harry ? 
 
 Sir //. What ! is that, too, a secret to you ? oh, I 
 am in better luck than I thought : — well, however, 
 you shall know all, that you may strive to make the 
 best of matters, if you should happen to hear my un- 
 fortunate failures mentioned wiiha sneer. — It has al- 
 ways been my ambition to figure away at a court ball ; 
 for there is nothing for which I am more celebrated, 
 than my dancing. 
 
 Sp. I know it, sir Harry ? 
 
 Sir //. VVell — the eyes of the whole room were 
 consequently upon me ; — you may conceive the flut- 
 terit must give one, to ha''e the attention of royalty fixed 
 on one's performances : — I acquitted myself, however, 
 admirably, for a little time ; but as the devil would 
 have it, 1 somehow grew nervous, and gave the wrong 
 hand for an alemande : — from that moment the ga.me 
 was up — I com nitted blundsr after blunder — at last, 
 my head spun — my heels ilew up — down I went — and 
 upset, in my fall, one dutche.ss. two countesses and a 
 stiff little lord of the bed-chamber. 
 Sp. Melancholy indeed, sir Harry. 
 
 Sir N, Horrible! it is the only time in my iife^ that 
 
M THE GAZT^.TTF. [HoImaW 
 
 1 should have thought the loud'^st laugh a relief; — bat 
 to my 'orraw. I vas in co!n;?;iny, too highly bred for 
 that : Viw. iwiul siinnce ch < foi!o\v>id my mishap, was 
 like a pan so in naturfi. — ju^- 'ike the stillness before a 
 tremendous earthquake.— Oh that the earthquake had 
 fol'oued, that I and my disgrace might have been 
 buried together 
 
 Sp. It wasdiitress'naj, sir Harry ; there is no denying it. 
 
 Sir H. Oistressi g ! whv, for months after, I never 
 durst looi: mto a news}>ap'^r, and I always shut my 
 eyes when f cam'^; near a print ihop 
 
 Sp. Co.ne, sir Eiurry — you take Httle accidents too 
 much to heart. 
 
 Sir H Too much to heart! why, I've often thought 
 of retiring for comfort into the back woods of Ameri- 
 ca: — there is noUiing but torture in what is called 
 civilized life An ill natured paragraph is worse than 
 the arrow of an indian, from behind a bush ; and no 
 tomahaw'c ever gave such a brain b'ow, as a caricature. 
 Leave me, now, Spruce — I'll endeavor to compose 
 myself and wait on the ladies \ex'.t Spruce] I believe 
 I can depend on that fellow —if not, 1 am a most un- 
 done man. * It is melancholy that a being with my 
 * endowments, should be liable to such cursed humilia- 
 *• ting acc'dents.' VVell, if I succeed with the facina- 
 ting lady Julia, f shall then be an ohjgct of universal 
 admiration, too elevated for ridicuie to reach — No, no, 
 no ! ridicule will bring down its game, let it soar ever 
 so high ;— and now I think on it, I should not won- 
 der if even the angelic creature, herself, should be 
 made a jest of. — Only fancy my idol, my divinity, 
 the subject of newspaper sprites I — oh, damn it ! I'd be 
 divorced. 
 
 Heart, (without) Drive slowly up the avenue — I'll 
 Walk to the castle. 
 
 Sir 11. Whom have we here ? I hate strangers* 
 ril avoid him. 
 
 HE ART WORT II cnters. 
 Heart. Fair and softly, sir ;— I see you are moving 
 
Act I] EXTRAORDINARY 15 
 
 towards the castle r — dont be in such a hurry and I'll 
 b('ar yoa cninpury. 
 
 Sir //. I dont know this old fellow ;— then what 
 the devil can he i»ee about ine, to make him so cursed 
 familiar ? (aside) You are going to the castle, sir ? 
 
 Heart, Ves sir, I am. You are intimate there, per- 
 haps ? 
 
 Sir //. Yes, sir. 
 
 Heart. On a visit, may be — 
 
 Sir //. Yes, sir. What a cross examining old quiz. 
 (aside) 
 
 Heart Ha, ha. ha ! I can't help laughing. — 
 
 Sir //. At what, sir ? at what ? 1 dont see, sir, how 
 1 should excite your mirih. 
 
 Heart. Nor 1, upon my soul, sir. I dont know 
 what I may find you on further acquaintance, but 
 you dont strike me a«. bf longing to a society of jokers. 
 
 Sir //. Sir, they are a set of men 1 abominate. 
 ' The wretches who used to live by vending poisons, 
 * were not half such pests in society.' Like inquisit- 
 ors, they roast their fellow creatures for a merry ma- 
 king ; — they wou'd sacrifice the feelings, the life, ray 
 the reputation of their friends ; — ar-daii for what, sir't* 
 for the gratification of seeing a set of fools thrown in- 
 to a damned ridiculous kird of convulsion. 
 
 Heart. Nay, nay. dont run down laughing, because 
 like all good things, it is sometimes abused. Innocent 
 mirth is the best of human recreations : — ay, and a fine 
 medicine too : — it dislodges the bile better than Chel- 
 tenham Spa — A good joke comforts my heart ; and I 
 have such a regard for my heaUh, thai / never refuse 
 to laugh even at a bad one. But I must explain to 
 you, sir, that my risibility. just now, was excited by tha 
 remembrance of the stalely tribe thai have sli^.lked 
 through life, in that m.ansion — Ml be bound that not 
 a soul of tkem^ from generation lo generation, was 
 ever detected in any thirg beyond a simper.— Well ! 
 rest ihem, — merry. I was going to say — but that is 
 impossible : — they mnst he grand and melancholy 
 even in paradise. 
 
le THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Sir H. Curse the old banterer ! now am I ashamed 
 to confess that 1 belong to a noble family, for fear of 
 being quizzed for the stately gravity of my ancestors. 
 (as'idt) 
 
 Heart. Not a word ! dull and dignified : — I begin to 
 smoke one of the house of De Mallory. {aside) !)• 
 you know, sir, I am inclined to suspect — 
 
 Sir //. What, sir ? what ? 
 
 Jleart. Why, sir, that you — 
 
 Sir //. What of me, sir? 
 
 Heart. 1 beg your pardon if I wrong you ; — the 
 truth is, that 1 shrewdly suspect you to be a shoot 
 from the old Normandy crab, that William the Con- 
 queror transplanted here. 
 
 Sir H. Old Normandy crab ! — sir, it is true that I 
 ha'ce the honor of springing from the noble stocii of 
 de Mallory- 
 
 Heart. I'd have belted a thousand upon it by your 
 verjuice countenance. Ha, ha, ha! it is devilish odd, 
 that in so many centuries, there should not be a little 
 sweet fruit grafted on the sour old trunk. 
 
 Sir //. Damn it ! to have ridicu'e entailed on one, 
 all the way from William the Conqueror, is rather toe 
 much. 
 
 Heart Come, come ; — be patriotic ; — mend the 
 breed. — Look at me, — I am a proof of what can be 
 done in the way of improvement —You'll hardly be- 
 lieve that my mother was of your stock — but it is true. 
 .She, however, was so singular as to prefer comfort to 
 dignity ; and consulting her heart instead of the her- 
 ald's office, got a loving husband in lieu of a noble al- 
 liance ; enjoyed domebl'c happiness, while her rela- 
 tions wasted life in cheerless state : — and though her 
 name never passed their proud lips, without condem- 
 nation, it was uttered with rapture by her children, 
 and with blessings, by the poor. 
 
 Sir //. \ presume, sir, your mother was lady Ger- 
 trude Heartworth. 
 
 Heart. Yes sir ; and though lopped from your family 
 tree, as a rotten branch, she took root in a soil more 
 
Act ij EXTRAORDINARY 1^1 
 
 genial to iier naiure, and flourished in the sunshine of 
 social feiifiiy diifusing the fruit of benevolence to ail 
 around her. 
 
 Sir // Sir, I am gratified to hear that her life passed 
 so happily ; and rejoice to meet in you, a relation that I 
 am sure will be welcomed as such, by the existing part 
 of the family. 
 
 Heart. Give me your hand, sir :— it feels warmer 
 than ever 1 thought to find the palm of one of my hon- 
 orable cousins, — that is, of the male side ; — for if I 
 dont meet a loving 5queeze, — ay. and a i;iss. in the 
 bargain, from my sweet lady Julia Sandford, she must 
 be much altered, and I shall be much disappointed. 
 
 Sii- //. Lady Julia ! then your visit is to her ? 
 
 Heart. Who else, do you think ? it is not the stately 
 dowager would have brought me from Cumberland — 
 nor am I come to welcome the young peer to Eng- 
 land ; for I understand he has all the faults of his an- 
 cestors, with a precious cargo of his own to boot. — I 
 am here, sir, solely on lady Julia's account, whom I 
 met by accident, last summer ; and who is the only 
 one of the family, vvith whom I have any acquaintance. 
 But, come, sir, let us adjourn to the castle ; and it is 
 not unlikely that circumstances may very soon pro- 
 duce an explanation of the motives for my visit. 
 
 {exeunt 
 
 SCENE III — an apartment in the castle, 
 lady JULIA and miss alford. 
 
 Miss AL Nay, nay, you are only jesting. 
 
 Lady Jul. Well, well, you will soon be convinced.. 
 
 Miss J/. But are you really resolved to refuse the 
 hand of lord Do Mailory ? 
 
 Lady Jk/. Peremptorily. 
 
 Miss Al How you surprise me ! 
 
 Lady Jul. Lady De Mallory is by this time acquaint- 
 ed with my determination. Knowing the pride and 
 violence of her disposition, I thought it most prudent 
 to make the communication by letter. 
 B2 
 
is THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Miss AJ. This is really very perplexing. You know, 
 my dear Julia, how very much I am interested in this 
 event. 
 
 Lady Jid. True, my dear cousin. You will have to 
 supply the vacancy I shall make in the marriage arti- 
 cles ; a id Harriet 4lford must now follow ail the afore- 
 saids, behind which stood Julia Sandford. 
 
 Miss Al How distressing ! 
 
 Lady Jul. Why, you dont seem to have any greater 
 inclination to this noble peer than I have. 
 
 Miss Al (aside) She little thinks that the cause of 
 my repugnance is an attachment to her brother. 
 
 Lady Jul. You have never suffered from his over- 
 bearing disposition, therefore cannot feel for him a dis- 
 like powerful as mine ; — but truly, Harriet, I must pity 
 any woman destined to be his ; and my love for you 
 would make me pursue any measures to prevent your 
 being his wife, short of becoming so myself I see la- 
 dy de Mallory ;— -she is seeking me : now for a storm, 
 which as you may not much affect, you will be v/ise to 
 retire. 
 
 Miss AL I will remain, if you think her anger will 
 be moderated by the presence of a third person. 
 
 \j2idy Jul. No, my dear girl, nothing will soften her 
 indignation ; and you shan't suffer needless pain on mj 
 account. 
 
 Miss AL (aside) Julia must not know my engage- 
 ments to her brother, lest in her generous concern for 
 us, she should involve herself in misery. No, I will en- 
 counter evf'ry difficulty sooner than owe my happiness 
 to the sacrifice of her own. [^exii miss Alford 
 
 lady DE MALLORY enters^ with two letters in her hand. 
 
 Lady De 31. You have filled me with amazement, 
 child. Is it possible you can be so lost to every sense 
 of duty and propriet, ? 
 
 Lady Jul I should be sorry your ladyship could 
 with justice, accuse me of being insensible to either. 
 
 I^ady De M. Such folly too ! what ! reject my son, — 
 the lord De Mallory ! you ought to consider yourself too 
 
Act I] EXTRAORDINARY 19 
 
 happy in the mandate of your grandfalher, which took 
 from him Ihe power of making another election. 
 
 Lady Jul. Oh, how freely would 1 give him that 
 power ! 
 
 Lady Be M. Ungrateful girl ! liere in this letter from 
 him, which I was reading with delight, when yours so 
 miexpectedly poisoned my joy,— here he acknowledges 
 with gratitude, the pleasure your picture which 1 sent, 
 has atiorded him ; and expresses the ardor with which 
 he hastens to celebrate an union dear to him from in- 
 clination. 
 
 Lady Jul. Madam, I can only regret that the inch 
 nation is not reciprocal. 
 
 Lady De M. Come, come, dearest Juiia, ahandon 
 this romantic opposition. I will confess that the man- 
 ners of my son when a boy, were somewhat repulsive : 
 but why dwell thus on the errors of a child ? why 
 should you conclude that reason and observation have 
 not operated to remove his juvenile faults? 
 
 Lady Jul. Because, mudam ; — believe nie, 1 ara 
 shocked to be compelled to speak such harsh truths lo 
 a mother; — because, madam, his faults were radical. 
 He was tyrannical, where he never met opposition ;— 
 he despised those who endeavored by gentleness to 
 conciliate esteem ; and had no pleasure but from the 
 compliance which was exacted by command. 
 
 Lady De M. Very well, madam, very well ; — I see 
 your own imperious disposition is the real obstacle to 
 your union with my son. 
 
 Lady Jul. You wrong me madam. Tis in nature 
 for th« gentlest being to resist oppression. I will not 
 place myself in the power of a tyrant ; and Ihcrefort' 
 will never be the wife of lord De Mallory. 
 
 HE ART WORTH enters. 
 
 Heart. That is right, my girl ! yo« shall not be the 
 wife of a monarch against your wil". 
 
 Lady I)^ 31. And pray, sir, who are you that volur» 
 'cer thus, as the abettor of disobedience, in this houso? 
 
^ fTHE GA'ZETTE f Holmaji 
 
 Heart. I am, madam, by inheritancPj a kind of op- 
 position member of this house. I am i)ol however one 
 p'-one to argue agams>t wholesome rt;gulations and sal- 
 utary authority. But in a case lii,.e the present, where 
 the fr«-edom of election is in debate, here am I on my 
 legs to defend privilege ; and if the bill for compulsoiy 
 measures be not withdrawn si7)e die, why then, lady Ju- 
 lia, w ''11 divide the house with them. 
 
 Lady De M. What right have you, sir, to interfere 
 in a family arrangement ? 
 
 thctrl. Lvery e»iglishman, madam, has a right to in- 
 terfere for the prevention of oppression ; — but in this 
 ansiance, 1 amputtieu'arly concerned as the represent- 
 ative of one \> £i0 was the innocent cause of this damned 
 tyrunnical family compact, B-cause my mother chose 
 to marry a wortliy man, who had no deficiency bui in 
 liis quarterings, Lhit, poor young lady is to be made the 
 victim of woi nded pride ; and to be united to a man 
 she dislikes, by the special license, forsooth, of an old 
 grandfather, long mouldered to dust :— confound such 
 absurdity ! 
 
 Lady /)e ijf. Sir, at pnce to put an end to an alter- 
 cation, which I cannot consider but as highly offensive 
 on youi part, and the continuance of which it would be 
 derogatory to my condition to suffer. I here state to la- 
 dy Julia, the terms on which, aJone, she can experience 
 the protection of this roof If she remain, it must be 
 to ratify the will of her family, by becoming the wife of 
 lord De Mallory : — does she consent? 
 
 Lady Jul. No, madam. 
 
 Lady De M. She is then bereft of fortune, and 
 these gates for ever shut against her. 
 
 \erii lady De Mallory 
 
 Heart. Curse me if one would not think, to hear 
 that old dignifi'd dowager, that all the world was en- 
 .closed in the walls of this castle. Come, lady Julia, let 
 us be gone. As for a fortune, my girl, that I can give 
 you, and if you grieve much at losing sight of these joy- 
 less lowers, it can only be from a fondness for seme 
 pet owl you leave behind yon. 
 
Act IJ EXTRAGHDINARY 21 
 
 sir HARRY ASPEN enters. 
 
 Sir ff. Lady Julia, can what I hear be true — that, 
 to avoid marrying lord de Mallory, you quit the castle ? 
 
 Heart. Yes ; and if you are wise, you"!! quit the casr 
 tie, too ; for I would not have you to trust too inach 
 to the protection of her ladyship's roof, which she makes 
 such a rout about, for fearsome stormy night it should 
 be blown about your ears. 
 
 Lady Jid. You see I am a strange girl ;— many a 
 young lady runs away to be married, but very few to 
 avoid it 
 
 Sir IL Her leaving the castle, must be all on my 
 account, that is very clear, (aside) Pray, lady Julia, 
 may 1 be permitted to ask whither you are going ? 
 
 H'art. Whither she is going ? with me, to be sure. 
 
 Lady Jul. At least till my brother ref.runs to Eng- 
 land, I shall place myself under the hospitable protecr 
 tion of this benevolent friend and relation. 
 
 Sir H I hope 1 may be permitted to pay my respects 
 to you ? 
 
 Heart To be sure : — mine is free and easy loJge ; 
 none of your castle ceremonies at my house. You 
 may go with us, if you like. 
 
 Sir //. May I ? how happy you make me ! but plague 
 take it, what will lady De Mallory say ? oh ! I shall be 
 scouted by the family, if 1 go v/ilh them, [aside) No, 
 no ; — if you please, 1 will follow you — I have some ar- 
 rangements here, unfinished. 
 
 Heart. Well, but make haste; — remember the old 
 roof; — I thought I saw a plagny warp in one of the 
 towers. Farewell. 
 
 Sir i/. Adieu, (boxving) Her partiality for me is past 
 ail doubt. {aside and exit 
 
 f 
 
 RANDALL CnfCrS. 
 
 Man. Dear lady Julia ! and will you leave us? 
 Lady JvL I mi?st, my e;ood friend ; or be misers- 
 
^^ THE GAZETTE [Holmaij 
 
 Ran. 1 wish I had not lived to see this day. Ah ! I 
 shall never smile again. 
 
 '' Lady Jul. Nay, good Randall, dont say so, 
 
 '■'■Ran. Ah, my dear Itjdy ! yon have made sad hearts^ 
 '■" and weepiii^ «'ye3. i-hronghoufc the casUe ;— but no- 
 '' body has such cause for sorrow as myself. To be sure, 
 *' you were good to every body ; hut you always treat- 
 " ed me as tender :y as you could have done your o'.vn 
 '■' father; and for my f-ait, I always loved you as v/ell 
 *' a^ ever I did a chHJ of my own. But if you will be 
 '^' hai>'pier. we should not repine "■' 
 
 Heart. Come, child ; or this good old man will set 
 mr whimpering. 
 
 Lady Jul. Good bye, my dear old friend. We shall 
 see one another again. 
 
 Ra7i. Ah, my dear lady ! at seventy five, a parting 
 "wiih those we love, is a serious thing. Well ! be as 
 liappy as you are good, and I shall go to the grave 
 confc; nted. 
 
 Lar'y. Jul TVewell ! 
 
 Ran. Heaven ; — heaven for ever bless you ! [cxzunt 
 
 END OF THE FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT IL 
 
 s c K N E I — the hall of the castle, 
 lord D!i MALLORY a7id major clayton. 
 
 Lord Be M. ^''ell, rny friend, here am I, once 
 agaii^ in the house of my ancestors, — feelingly alive to 
 ai' the happiness my native land affords ; taught by ex- 
 perience, the proud preforence sa justly due to it. 
 
 Clay. V'Ja have reason to bless the hand of nature 
 for making islands. Fhat salt ocean is a glorious pre- 
 servative against corruption. We never need dread 
 tiint or decay, while the briny waves surround i?s. 
 
Act III EXTltAORDINARY 23 
 
 Lord Z)e M. True, our insular situation is the pro- 
 tection of all that is dear to us. The oceun preserves 
 U5 from the too easy influx of the specious underminerig 
 of morahty. as well as the open foes of fn edom. 
 
 C^ay. Ah, my lord, as a peer of this country, how 
 much more are you to be envied, than the grea'e.^t pot- 
 entates of other lands ! for you have rank and »briune 
 to elevate and reward genius and virtue: — your power 
 to dedl happiness to others is boundless and your own 
 happiness is secured by the laws, which rescrain you 
 from doin?i evil to any man. 
 
 Lord De M^ Highliy said: for to him who knovv-s 
 how to appreciate a tranquil bosom, the prev rrion 
 frem doing evil must be esteemed the most vaiijabie 
 associate of power. 
 
 lady DE MALLORY enter s. 
 Lady De M. My son ! 
 
 Lord De M My dear mother! (embraces her) — al- 
 low me to present to you this most valued friend, my 
 companion, and best of monitors. To major CiaytoR 
 you owe the felicity of finding your son return to yoa. 
 so changed, as, I hope, never again to give you cause 
 to blush for his conduct. 
 
 Lady De M. I shall be happy to receive with Ihe at- 
 tentions due to his merit, a gentleman to whom my son 
 expresses such obligations. 
 
 Clay. I am honored, madam, far above my desert- 
 Lord De M. But. mother, vnW not Julia, my des- 
 tined bride, deign to welcome me ? ! hardly wonder 
 at her coldness, for I dont know what perverse devil. 
 tempted me, but I always, though 1 loved her, used to> 
 be a sad torment to her. 
 
 Lady De M My lord de Mallory must banisli hej: 
 from his thoughts. 
 
 Lord De /I/", Mother^ you amaze me ! — banish ! I 
 am at a loss to comprehend. 
 
 Lady De M. She has rendered herself unworthy 
 your consideration. 
 
 Iftord De M. What, Jnlia^ hov.% for heaven's sRwe ^ 
 
^ THE GAZETTE [Holraar. 
 
 Lady De M. She has quitted the. castle, perempto- 
 rily discliiiraing an alliance with your lordship. Her 
 avowed motives, forsooth, the remembrance of your 
 acts of boyish tyranny. 
 
 Lord Dc M. She had reason to hate me, but she has 
 been too precipitate. 
 
 Lady De M. All pretence, my lord, such motives. 
 Circumstances have thrown a new light upon her con- 
 duct. 
 
 Lord Dc 31. Pray, explain. 
 
 Lady Dc M. Your relation, sir Harry Aspen, who 
 came here avowedly to wait for your arrival, quitted 
 tli« castle quickly after her departure. 
 
 Lord Dc 31. That may have been occasioned by 
 other causes. 
 
 Lady De M. The indiscreet tattle of his valet, has 
 left no doubt on the subject; — he not only communi- 
 cated his master's route, which v/as to follow lady Ju- 
 lia, but also discovered that he has been long attached 
 to her. 
 
 Lord D'' 31. Astonishing ! 
 
 Lady De 3'L It was a fine deep laid plan. A mr. 
 Heartworth, an outcast of your family, came bluster- 
 ing here, to save her from oppression, as he termed it- 
 Be was evidently an accomplice, and took her away 
 to avoid an open elopement with sir Harry. 
 
 Lord Da 31. This is an event I was not indeed pre- 
 pared to meet. 
 
 Lady De 3L A very little reflection, my son, will 
 make you bear it as you ought. You will soon rejoice 
 at the prevention of an alliance so unworthy of you^ 
 and hasten to fulfil the compact of your grandfather, 
 hj a marriage with miss Alford. — {lord De Mallorij 
 appearing surprised and going to speak) I will leave 
 you now my lord. — After an event so unexpected, I 
 know some little time is requisite to regulate the feel- 
 in;;s ; but yours will, I am certain, all concentre in 
 self-respect, and regard for the honor of your house. 
 
 [exit 
 
 Lord 3e 31. An easy process it appears to her lady- 
 
Act I!] EXTRAORDINARY 25 
 
 ship, to transfer a heart, like a clod of earth, to the 
 next succession, Julia's conduct wounds and irritates 
 me : — I wish her to feel that I am not a being she ought 
 to have scorned. 
 
 Clay. Your lordship's worth will soon make that 
 clear to her : — a nobleman s good deeds are seldom 
 lost to the world for want of reporters. 
 
 Lord De 31. Deeply wounded, both in my atTec- 
 tions and my pride, 1 am anxious to seek a justifiable 
 revenge. 
 
 Clay. That, my lord, is impossible to be obtained. 
 
 Lord De M. Why ? 
 
 Clay. Because revenge is never justifiable. 
 
 Lord De 31. Surely it is justifiable to endeavor to 
 humble her pride, by letting her see the true character 
 of the man she has rejected. 
 
 Clay, Oh ! my lord, never be rash enough to wage 
 war with a petticoat. " There^s magic in the xceb 
 onH/''' That garment will enlist more volunteers in ils 
 defence, than all the banners in the universe : — it has 
 more worshippers than the relics of all the saints put 
 together : it will animate and overthrow armies. Nev- 
 er hope to triumph over it, — it is certain of conquest ; 
 for even if it surrender, it is only to enslave you the 
 surer. 
 
 Lord De 31. Say what you will, I am determined 
 to pursue this runaway. 
 
 Clay. Begging your lordship's pardon, it is a silly 
 kind of chase, at best ; and may turn out something 
 worse. You hear she is attached to another. If her 
 affections are so capricious as to veer round to you, I 
 dont think you can much prize such a weatheicock ; — 
 then, what is your object ? 
 
 Lord De 31. To strive to convince her that at the 
 same time she has forfeited her fortune by her choice, 
 she has not been a gainer in the merits of her lover. 
 If I can feelingly convince her of this, I shall with 'ess 
 regret devote myself to the other union prescribed me. 
 
 Clay. I cannot see, my lord, how your feelings arc 
 tQ be tranquillized bv wounding tho^e of another, 
 C 
 
26 THE GAZETTE [Hoiman 
 
 Lord De M Hear me, C ayton. Though by your 
 advice and example, I trust I have triumphed over the 
 rough point- of my character, yet I confess I do not 
 wish to attain that degree of apathy v,rhich shall make 
 me insensible of an injury. 
 
 Clay. \ have done, my lord. — An argument strong- 
 ly enforced in opposition to your lordship's immediate 
 feelings, raises a bulwark against conviction. Dont act 
 precipitately, and I have no doubt of your acting 
 rightly. 
 
 Lord De 31. To prove I always wish to be regu- 
 lated by your counsels, let me entreat you to accom- 
 pany me 
 
 Clay. That, my lord, is at present impossible. I 
 have an object that demands my immediate attention in 
 another quarter ; — and let me hope that our pursuits 
 may not prove of an opposite nature. — That while my 
 business is to dry the tears of a lovely woman, your 
 lordship may not give a lovely woman cause to weep. 
 
 {exeunt 
 
 SCENE II — Heartwor(/i-s /lOUse on the lake of Win- 
 dermere. 
 
 lady JULIA and heartworth. 
 
 Heart. Well, dear lady Julia, here you are, fixed 
 on the banks of Windermere ; — and if you can make 
 yourself tolerable happy in this simple abode, you will 
 brighten my latter days. 
 
 Lady Jul. Why, my dear sir, this charming retreat 
 is the very seat of hap.jiness. Nature here wears her 
 most romantic garb. 
 
 Heart. Inanimate nature is, to be sure, in tolerable 
 trim : but 1 fear the sons and daughters of the soil can 
 afford you bui: litt'e pleasure. 
 
 Ladv Jul. Oh! infinite — I am charmed with the 
 variety I meet ; — each being has a character of his own, 
 and talks and acts for himself: — so difiVr^^nt from the 
 set to which I have b<::en used, that aimed at being all 
 
Act II] EXTRAORDINARY 27 
 
 alike, never thinking for a moment, whether what they 
 did was righ:. or wrong, (jleasant or disagreeable, bat 
 only, wds'il the kaut ton? fashion, ah powerful fashion, 
 can make infirmities, graces ; duln- ss. high breedins: ; 
 and the sallies of a brilliant imaginaiion be voted quite 
 gothic. 
 
 Heart Plague take the rage of imitation ! which 
 will make human beings, and very often too, those of 
 no mean intellect, place their whole pride in sinkmg 
 into automatons 
 
 a servant enters. 
 
 Serv Sir, mrs. Leech wishes to see you. 
 
 Heart. Hsy 1 what! oh, the deuce. — VVell, well, tell 
 her I'll w;dton her presently. [e>it servant 
 
 Lady /;/. I will ramble by the lake, and leave you 
 to your visitor. 
 
 Heart. Stay, stay, lady Juiia. — You must know the 
 — the — hang ii ! i dont know how to tell it you. 
 
 Lady Jut What, my dear sir ? 
 
 Heart. We all hae our plagues — 
 
 Lady JuL I am afraid that is very true. 
 
 He:irt I have a neighbor here — a lady — 
 
 LadyJ«/. VVell? 
 
 Heart. That — that— damn it! it is too ridiculous — 
 
 Lady Ju/. What ? what ? you have raised my curi- 
 osity. 
 
 He'trt. Who has most peremptorily made up her 
 mind — 
 
 1 ady .////. To what? 
 
 Heart. Upon my soul, you'll laugh at me — 
 
 Lady Jul. No, no — 
 
 Hcirt Why then — nay it is too absurd — 
 
 Lady Jul. You put me out of all patience. — What 
 ha-, she mal^ up her m;nd to ? 
 
 Heart To — to — to marry me. 
 
 Lady Jul She is a very wise woman. — I applaud her 
 determination. 
 
 Heart. Pshaw, pshaw! no joking — mine is a devil- 
 ish liard case : — if I had given her encouragement — 
 
38 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Lady Jul. And are you very sure, now, you did not? 
 I begin to be greatly afraid that you are a gay deceiv- 
 er. 
 
 Heart. Pshaw, pshaw, pshaw ! I just mentioned this 
 foolish circumstance, or you might think her beliav- 
 ior rather odd. 
 
 Lady Jul. Ah, poor thing ! she is clearly a deluded 
 woman. 
 
 Heart. But not by me, 111 swear.— What chiefly 
 gave rise to this absurdity, was an unmeaning civility 
 on my part. 
 
 Lady Jul. Oh! now the murder is coming out. 
 
 Heart What the deuce! is the mere language of 
 compliment to be taken literally ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Ah ! there is the excuse of all you se- 
 ducers. — You make fine speeches and tender profess- 
 ions — 
 
 Heart. Do I look like a maker of tender profess- 
 ions ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Oh, yes, very : — and then if a poor wom- 
 an is weak enough to credit you, you exclaim, " oh, 
 the silly creature ! I meant nothing but badinage. — 
 What I said was a vci&vefacon de parler.''^ 
 
 Heart. Why, plague take it ! you may as well say, 
 Ihot when I subscribe myself a man's humble servant, 
 it follows that he should send me his coat to brush, or 
 his shot^s to clean: — does it give him a claim to my 
 personal services. 
 
 Lady Jul. No ;— but when you profess yourself a 
 lady^'s humble servant, it certainly gives her a claim to 
 your personal services. 
 
 Heart. But, you mad cap, hear my story. — I went 
 to console this silly old woman, five years ago, on the 
 death of her second husband ; and by way of comfort- 
 ing her, I just happened, unfortunately, to say that it 
 v/ould be her own fault if she remained a widow ; for 
 she might choose a husband whenever she pleased. The 
 old fool took this unmeaning piece of civility for a dec- 
 laration ; and has thought fit to consider herselfj 
 heaven help me ! my wife eleot, ever since 
 
Act II] EXTRAORDINARY 29 
 
 Lady Jni. Oh, you stony hearted man, to hold out 
 against such persevering constancy ! 
 
 Heart Curse her constancy ! if she would come 
 plump to the point, I would set her right at once ; but 
 she never makes her attack direct enough for that : — 
 for these five years, has she been hinting and nodding 
 and winking me into matrimony : — and for aught I see, 
 I may be doomed to a life of perpetual inuendo, till 
 one of us diop to the grave. 
 
 Lady Jul No, no ;— depend upon it, she'll overcome 
 her diffidence, and speak out at last — but how ungal- 
 lant you are ! why dont you fly to her? consider she 
 is ail impatience for the sight of her deary. 
 
 Heart. But come, come— go with me. 
 
 Lady Jul. Do you think 1 vvor.ld spoil an agreeable 
 tete a tete ? the s!ght of me might damij all her joy ; 
 and J would not hurt her peace of mind, for the world. 
 Now, be coinpasssonate ; — consider, true love is a 
 jewel : — now. do force a litlle tenderness into your 
 face, and strain your eyes into an agreeable ogle. — 
 Ha ! ha ! ha ! — oh ! you gay deceiver ! 
 
 [exit lady Julia 
 
 Heart. Get along, rattle pate ! oh, I will bring this 
 business to issue — I won't be tormented, and made ri- 
 diculous to boot, to burner any old woman in the uni- 
 verse. Plague take her, here she comes. 
 
 mrs, LEECH enters. 
 
 Mrs. L. And am I so happy as to see you at home 
 again, dear mr. Heartworth ! 
 
 Heart Why, as to that — you see I am at home 
 again, mrs. Leech. 
 
 Mrs. L. How delighted am I to find it? short a5 
 your absence has really been, \ dont think 1 could out- 
 live such another separation. 
 
 Heart. Oh. damn it. this is too much ! I must speak 
 out ; (aside) not outlive a separation ! come, come, 
 mrs. Leech, that is very well of you : — very well, in 
 deed. 
 
 Mrs. L. The truth will burst forth. 
 C2 
 
aO THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Heart. Upon my soul, it is high time it should so, I 
 shall speak plainly, and to the point. 
 
 Mrs. L. {much pleased) 1 knew I should draw out 
 a full declaration at last, (aside) 
 
 Heart. 1 confess it is a delicate subject to talk 
 about. 
 
 Mrs. L. A delicate subject I yes, yes, all is now 
 coming right, (aside) 
 
 Heart. 1 have, I confess, been foolishly shy, in nofc 
 telling you my mind fully before. 
 
 Mrs. L. Oh, mr. Heartworth ! — yes, now I may be- 
 speak my wedding suit, (aside) 
 
 doctor SUIT ALL enters. 
 
 Doc. Oh ! my dear mr. Heartworth ! I am all ecsta' 
 sy to see you : mrs. Leech, your most devoted — 
 
 Htart. Dr. Suitall, your servant. 
 
 Doc. You gentlemen of a certain age, are the only 
 ga,llants of the day. Ah ! mrs. Leech, this is a man in- 
 deed for the ladies. 
 
 Heart. Hey-day, doctor ! what is the matter now ? 
 
 Doc. Such a charming thought ! but mind, I must 
 conduct the whole of the business. 
 
 Heart. What business ? 
 
 Doc. Ah ! you thought to be snug — but I've found 
 oyt your devices. Haven't you heard of it, ma'am ? 
 
 Mrs. L. Of what, sir ? 
 
 Doc. Of a certain fete on the lake, which that gen- 
 tleman is to give, in compliment to a lady. 
 
 Mrs, L. How delightful ! with what gaiety he means 
 to celebrate our union ! (aside) this is gallant, indeed, 
 mr. Heartworth. 
 
 Doc. Bont you think, ma'am, the lady must feel 
 highly gratified ? 
 
 Mrs L. That I am sure she does, sir. Well, good 
 morning, mr. Heartworth — I must go and make prepa- 
 rations suitable to the approaching happy event, Good 
 day, doctor. Oh, I am quite fluttered with delight — • 
 a^ieu. [looks imderly at Hmriworth and exit 
 
Act II] EXTRAORDINARY 31 
 
 Heart. She will go and make preparations, will she ? 
 she might have waited first, for an invitation. You 
 should not make such a fuss about this foolish water 
 party, i mean it as a little compliment to my cousin, 
 lady Julia, on her arrival here ; but I dont want the 
 people to imagine they are to see a lord mayor's 
 show. 
 
 Doc. Lord mayor's show ! why it shall beat the wed- 
 ding of the doge, if you'll let me manage it. 
 
 Heart. Stick to your physic, doctor ; leave the wa- 
 ter to me. 
 
 />oc. My physic won't be the worse for mixing wa^ 
 ier with it ;— ha ! ha ! 
 
 Heart. 1 never met such a fellow : — water, fire, 
 earth, air — you are never out of your element, 
 
 sir HARRY ASPEN enters. 
 
 — Ah, sir Harry ! welcome, welcome. I see you are 
 a man of your word. 
 
 Sir H. I lost no time in accepting your obliging in- 
 vitation. How is the lovely lady Julia ? 
 
 Heart. Ah ! there is the attraction — I shall find a 
 vast addition to the list of my visitors. When I, a poor 
 lonely humdrum old bachelor, used to send a card of 
 invitation to only a few miles distance, I generally re- 
 ceived for answer, that the badness of the roads, or the 
 want of moonlight to return home by, prevented the 
 extreme pleasure of waiting on me : — now what a 
 change there will be ! the sight of my pretty cousin, 
 will render the roads passable in all weather, without 
 troubling the commissioners ; and her bright eyes will 
 make the moon shine every night in the month. 
 
 Doc. This will be of great service to my shop ; — and 
 give me leave to tell you, sir Harry, that you n?>ed be 
 under no anxiety about your health, while you remain 
 in this neighborhood. I am doctor Suitall, dubbed^ 
 regularly dubbed .—none of your doctors by courtesy, 
 though I do keep a shop ; — a shop you know is all the 
 fashion. Besides, sir Harry, you will find me at home, 
 ^ut of my shop-^ne suiTr ultra Qrepidaniy is not vty 
 
32 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 motto. I know a thing or two, bi^sides preicribing a 
 bolus, and roliing it up. 
 
 Heart Sir Harry non't belong without hearing, at 
 least, of your uni'-ersaiity. 
 
 Doc. I am proud to he known to sir Harry, Per- 
 haps through his extensive connexio'^s, I may enter- 
 tain the hope of being removed from this limited cir- 
 cle, to a larf]i;er sphere of action. 
 
 Sir H 1 am afraid, sir, \ have very little interest in 
 forwarding a gentleman of your profession. 
 
 Doc. Dontlet my medical profession be a bar sir: 
 I am a candidate for all sorts of employment. If you 
 conceive, sir Harry, that any such snug little appoint- 
 ment as solicitor-general, nay a puisne judge, or even 
 a master in chancery, should ever come within the pale 
 of your recommendation, you'll find m your humble 
 servant a qualified person. 
 
 Sir H What, sir, to fill a great /azv si^uation ? 
 
 Doc Most capably, sir 1 have legally fed boih body 
 and mind— ate my commons at Gray's inn, and have 
 Coke upon Littleton, as completely by heart, as Cul- 
 len's materia medica. 
 
 Sir H. A most surprising man, indeed ! 
 
 Heart. Pshaw ! that is nothing 
 
 Doc True, true, sir — nothing, indeed — Tarn Marti, 
 quam Mercurio — I trust you'll find me equally eligi- 
 ble to avail myself of your patronage, if y»»ur interest 
 should happen to lie at the admiralty or war office. 
 
 Sir H. What the devil ! 
 
 Doc. Yes, sir Harry. Tactics, naval and military, 
 have been favorite studies of mine ; and that I might 
 not lose an advantage for want of practical initiation, 
 I have the honor of being a brevet lieutenant in the 
 land service, and have served as midshipman, on board 
 the Atall brig. 
 
 Sir H. This fellow must certainly be bantering 
 ,me. {aside) 
 
 Heart. Here's lady Julia ; so, for the present, 
 doctor, I beseech you to remain contented with this 
 mry limits^ recit&l of your qualifications. 
 
Act II] EXTRAORDINARY 33 
 
 lady JULIA enters. 
 
 Lady Ju/. (lo Heartworth) I am come, sir, to 
 claim your interference against an act of oppression. 
 
 Heart Oppression ! eh ! what oppression ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Vou have promised a lease of Richland 
 |arm to — 
 
 Heart. Ay — lo my neighbor Dawkins. The for- 
 mer tenant is dead, and has not left any family ; so 
 lliere is no oppression in that, surely. 
 
 i.ady Jul. Not on your part, sir — bat this man 
 threatens to turn out of the cottage in which she was 
 born, a poor woman who is old and helpless. 
 
 Heart. Eh ! how did you learn this ? 
 
 Lady .Jul. From a lovely girl, her niece ; who has 
 left Wales, her native country, to assist this poor 
 infirm relation. 
 
 Heart. What can be the rascal's motive for sutfh 
 an act of barbarity ? 
 
 Lady Jul. To frighten this sweet girl into a mar- 
 riage with him. 
 
 Heart. Oh, the dog! so while I was gone to wage 
 war at another man's castle, against a forced mar- 
 riage, here was one of my tenants acting the same 
 piece of oppression upon my own estate. Where is 
 \he fellow ? 
 
 Lady Jul. I've sent for him, sir. In the mean 
 time, let me present to you my little welch pro- 
 tegee. 
 
 lady JULIA goes off, and leads on ellex. 
 
 Heart. A lovely girl, indeed ! her pretty face, 
 though it can excite a villain to an act of violence,, 
 will be sure to raise a host of champions to deien^ 
 her. — So you were born in Wales my love ? 
 
 £11. Yes, sir. 
 
 Heart. What is your name ? 
 
 Bfl Ellen. 
 
 Heart. Have you a father and mother ? 
 
 £//. Oh ! no, sir— they are both dead. 
 
34 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Heart. Poor girl ! what was your father ? 
 
 Ell. A soldier — who died in battle. 
 
 Heart What ! have 1 lived to see an orphan of a 
 soldier who died for his country, a victim of oppres- 
 sion ? grant me patience ! 
 
 Ell. My poor molher died but very lately — I 
 was too young; to live alone ; so I came into these 
 parts to seek my mother's sister — and I was glad I 
 came, for her sake ; for she was old. and very poor ; 
 and the little money I had, helped her much — and 
 besides, I could work for her, and nurse her 
 
 Heart. I'll have no mercy on the villain — he shall 
 get off my lands ; for i should expect an earthquake 
 to swallow them, if 1 encouraged such monsters for 
 my tenants. 
 
 Sir H What a delightful part you have chosen, 
 lady Julia, to be the advocate of the oppressed ! 
 
 Lady Jul. The oppressed need no advocate with a 
 man like mr. Heartworth. 
 
 Heart. Well, lady, Julia, we must contrive to pro- 
 vide comfortably for goody Barton, and her pretty 
 niece here ; and if we can find my little mountaineer 
 a husband worthy of her, and whom she can like, 
 Rich and farm shall be his. 
 
 Doc. A worthy husband, and whom she can like! 
 ifl know any thing, it is the art of love — Richland 
 farm will be mine, {aside) 
 
 Heart. Come, sir Harsy, we will show you a little 
 aquatic fete, in Cf^mpiiment to our fair coasin. 
 
 Lady Jul. And we shall partake of amusement, 
 now, with an increased zest, since it fol]o»\s an act 
 of justice and humanity. [exeunt 
 
 SCI N>; 111- -the lake of ^V'-ndeimere — pleasure boats 
 on it, decoratd — on shore, tents ornamented with 
 garlands, 8fc. 
 
 lord BE MALLORY enters. 
 I have arrived mo?t oj>|:OT'unely.- This gala may 
 
 prove the means of introducing me to Juha. — Boy as 
 
Act II] EXTRAORDINARY S5 
 
 I was when I left England, tis scarcely possible she 
 should ^now me now. How full of emotion is my 
 heart at the prospect of seeing her! 
 
 doctor sui TALL enters^ rdth a wand, as master of cere- 
 monies. 
 
 Doc. Make room, make room, for the master of the 
 ceremonies —master of the ceremonies by land — high 
 admiral on the waves. — You smile, sir ; (to lord De 
 Madory) you think waves, not comjiletely correct, 
 the lake oeing as smooth as glass — but poets, sir, poets 
 Vy'ill speak in figure. — You are a stranger, sir, and 
 kno.v me not — but that I claim the title of bard, you 
 will have the happiness of being assured, by my entreat* 
 ing your acceptance of two octavo volumes of rais- 
 ceiianeous poetry — you having the goodness to return, 
 per bearer, thirteen shillings and sixpence — the price 
 to original subscribt-rs. 
 
 Lord De M. I shall have great pleasure in perusing 
 the wurks of a gentleman of whom, at first sight, I can- 
 not but entertam a high opinion. This blockhead may 
 be of service. {aside\ 
 
 Doc Clearly a man of discernment, — he can cer- 
 tainly appreciate me ; — probably, promote me. Your 
 namf> and connexions, sir, if you please. 
 
 Lord De M Rather a home question, and what I 
 am not exactly prepared to answer, {aside) 
 
 Doc. He hesitates; — doubtless a great man in dis- 
 guise, who has heard of my talents, and come to draw 
 me from obscurity, {aside) 
 
 Lord De 31. I must answer him, or my silence will 
 excite suspicions— I'll e'en use the name of my friend 
 {aside) sir, Clayton is my name, and my connex- 
 ions — 
 
 Doc. Whatever they are, sit", they can't be amiss 
 for me. — Show me how I can serve yo?<, and depend 
 or> my using the same freedom, in return. 
 
 Lord De M I am a stranger, and anxious to parti- 
 cipate in the present festivity: — oblige me by making 
 me one of the party. 
 
36 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Doc. It sTiall be done. — Stand away, there — make 
 reom, good people, for the lord of the manor. 
 
 HEARTWORTH enters with lady juha. 
 
 Allow me to present to you. my particular friend—" 
 what did you say your name is ? 
 
 Lord De M. Clayton— major Clayton. 
 
 Doc. My tried and valued friend — major Clayton. 
 
 Heart. { am glad \,o see you, sir : — I am a man of 
 no ceremony. — Come along with us, and I hope you 
 will pass a pleasant day (handing lady Julia to a 
 boat) 
 
 Doc. The honor of handing the lady is ray province. 
 
 Lady J?//. But where is my pretty Ellen. 
 
 Doc. In yonder tent: — when I have placed your 
 ladyship in the boat, I'll conduct her to you. 
 
 mrs. LEECH enters, 
 
 Mrs. L I am all of a flutter, I declare — I was afraid 
 of being too late. 
 
 Heart Indeed ! 
 
 Mrs L. I waited in an.xious expectation of your 
 calling to conduct me. 
 
 Heart. You did ? 
 
 Mrs L. It was not like your usual gallantry, {tap- 
 ping him on the cheek, fondly) to let the lady in hon- 
 or of whom you designed the gala, find her way to it, 
 alone. 
 
 Heart. Hey ? 
 
 Mrs. L. Why vi^ere you so remiss ? 
 
 Heart. I was not. 
 
 Mrs. L. Oh ! then you meant to come for me. 
 
 Heart No, I did nol, 
 
 Mrs. L. Well, well, no matter. I am too happy to 
 en^er into argument. How dehghtful are your prep- 
 arations! 1 declare I shan't be surprised if your charm- 
 ing entertainment in compliment to me, should gain 
 me the title of the lady of the lake. 
 
 Heart. In compliment to you ! (half smothering a 
 
Act 11!] EXTRAORDINARY Zl 
 
 laugh) the lady of the lake ! here, lady Julia, do come 
 and look tX the lady of the lake ! 
 
 Mrs. L. Lady Julia ! eh ! what can all this mean ? 
 
 Lady Jul. (to Hearixcorth) For goodness' sake, dear 
 sir, dont expose the poor woman before ail this com- 
 pany : — let her deceive herself a little longer. — Do let 
 her be the lady of the lake. Come, give the poor soai 
 your hand. 
 
 Heart. I give her my hand ! 
 
 Lady Jul. Yes — to oblige me. 
 
 Heart. Oh, you coaxing jade! I cant deny you anj 
 thing : — come, mrs Leech. 
 
 Mrs. L. I really am at a loss to comprehend- 
 
 Heart. Dont expose yourself, you old — I beg par- 
 don. — Mind, lady Juiia, this is all to oblige you ; for if 
 I had my vvibh, the lady of the lake, would be up to 
 
 her neck in it — come along with you {he looks with 
 
 dislike at her, and turns round to wink at lady Julia) 
 
 Doc. Lady Juha your hand — strike up, music, {they, 
 enter the boats as the curtain drops) 
 
 END OF THE SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT in. 
 
 SCENE I — a room in Heartworth^s house, 
 
 HE ART WORTH enters. 
 
 Heart. So — so this comes of pleasure hunting ! I 
 must be drowning people, by way of amusement. — 
 Here, John ! Thomas ! no, not a soul in the house — 
 all, on the water, or in it. — Well, doctor — good news, 
 I hope — 
 
 doctor SUIT ALL enters. 
 
 Doc. The very best ;— resuscitation has taken place. 
 — Major Clayton breathes again. 
 
 Heart. Then I shall begin to do the same — ugh ! 
 mv breath was gon'^. wilh terror. But for that dear 
 D 
 
33 THE GAZETTE fHolinan 
 
 girl, lady Julia, your friend would never have seen day- 
 light more. 
 
 Doc. She certainly was instrumental in his preserva- 
 tion. 
 
 Heart. Yes ; for if she had not offered rewards for 
 saving him, there would he have lain, till seme drag- 
 net caught hold of him : — and as such an event might 
 not happen for a week, or a fortnight, I fancy by that 
 time, doctor, even your galvanism would not revive 
 him : — but i thought you could do every thing — how 
 comes it that swimming is out of the catalogue oi your 
 accomplishments ? 
 
 Doc. Bless my soul ! dont imagine me deficient in 
 any thing so essential — I swim like a salmon, float 
 like a cork, and dive like a duck. 
 
 Heart. And yet the pretty Ellen, of whom you pre- 
 tend to be enamored, slipt into the lake without your 
 wetting a finger to save her: — you left that service to 
 your gallant friend ; and when he plunged in, and, hav- 
 ing lifted her to a boat in safety, sunk himself, exhaust- 
 ed, you still kept yourself as dry as a mouser ; and 
 seemed as much afraid of water as if you had got the 
 hydrophobia. 
 
 Doc. Ah ! ah ! you are bantering — and you do it 
 pretty well ; — bantering, is. probably, one of the things 
 in which I most excel : — but in fact, the omission yoa 
 urge against me, arose from the variety of my ^'xcel- 
 lence, for so many different ways of gliding through 
 the waves rushed into my mind at once ; that, stand- 
 ing, divided which to adopt — 
 
 Heart. Your mistress and friend would have been 
 drowned, before you could decide. 
 
 Doc. Tis a melancholy truth, that unthinking pra- 
 cipitatien will sometimes bear away the palm from dis- 
 criminating investigation. 
 
 Heart- Yes ; — and while your discriminating inves- 
 tigation was weighing the relative advantages of oxygen 
 gas or tobacco smoke, for restoring suspended anima- 
 tion, your friend would have been as much beyond the 
 power of revival, as an egyptian mummy. 
 
Act HI] EXTRAORDINARY 3d 
 
 Doc. An egyplian raummy ! well thouglit of— do 
 you know, I understand the principles of embalming, 
 as well as the first professor of the art, in the establish- 
 ment of king Ptolemy. 
 
 Heart. And I suppose you let your friends die, on 
 purpose to keep your hand in. 
 
 lady JULIA enters. 
 
 Ah! my dear girl, how is your patient ! yours I may 
 say ; for to you he owes his life. 
 
 Lady Jul. Repose, I believe, is all that is now 
 necessary for his recovery. — Poor Ellen is so over- 
 come by the fright she experienced, as to have strong 
 symptoms of fever— your aid, will, I fear, doctor, be 
 requisite. 
 
 Doc. A fever ! {aside) 1 fly to her assistance. 
 
 Heart. Remember, now, what you are about— you 
 are to preserve her alive, not dead— you may want to 
 embalm her. 
 
 Dec. No — I wish her to embalm me — in her heart. 
 
 [exit 
 
 I^ady Jul. Dont you think, sir, that this is a mo»t 
 interesting man ? 
 
 Heart. What that damned doctor, who professes 
 every thing, and is fit for nothing ? 
 
 Lady Jnl. No, no— dear sir — 
 
 Heart. Why, who do you mean ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Whom should I mean ? the stranger, 
 surely. 
 
 Heart. The stranger ? he interesting ? oh, to be 
 sure, every body is interesting who is dragged out of 
 a pond, or dug out of the snow— nay, 1 remember a 
 fellow who was accounted as dull as a dormouse, 
 lill he was cut down from abeam, to which the block- 
 head had tied himself; and ever after, he was con- 
 sidered a being of sensibility, and voted a most interest- 
 ing creature. 
 
 Lady Jul. But surely you will allow that major 
 Clayton — 
 
 Heart. Is a noble fellow. Who will not allow it ?,— 
 
tfO THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 K a man venture his own life in tlie endeavor to 
 sav2 that of a dear friend, we admire his generosity 
 — but, to him who will risk existence to preserve 
 one whose only claim is that of being a fellow-crea- 
 ture, all mankind is debtor ; and he that refuses to 
 acknowledge the obligation, tacitly avows himself un- 
 worthy to rank as a human being. 
 
 Lady Jul. I am certain this is no common kind of 
 man. 
 
 Heart. I now remember that an nfficer of the name 
 of Clayton, whom I presume to be this gentleman, 
 was reported in high terms for his professional char- 
 jActer ; and the circumstances relating to him, are 
 pretty fresli in my mind. But here comes the doctor 
 —he introduced him— and will tell us whether this be 
 •the man. 
 
 doctor sxsiTXhXi enters. 
 
 Doc, {to lady Julia) Dont be alarmed about 
 the lovely Ellen— with a little of my assistance, she 
 will be speedily restored to the full bloom of health 
 and beauty. 
 
 Lady Jul. I rejoice to hear it. 
 
 Heart. Doctor, we are anxious to know whether 
 your friend, major Clayton, is the same officer who 
 behaved so gallantly at the taking of Seringapatam. 
 
 Doc. (aside) J have not the shadow of an idea, — 
 Indubitably — the very man, he behaves gallantly, 
 every where. 
 
 Heart. Of course, from yotir acquaintance with him, 
 you have heard minute particulars of that glorious 
 enterprize. 
 
 Doc. The devil a syllable, (aside) Oh ! no — he is a 
 man of too much modesty, to talk over an action in 
 which he was so eminently distinguished. 
 
 Heart. That is like a brave man — I admire his si- 
 lence — and that modesty is the surest path to renown 
 — for when a man's own lips are closed to the recital 
 of his exploits, every other mouth is ready to proclaim? 
 
Act IIIJ EXTRAORDINARY 41 
 
 Ihem ; while the hero of his own tale very soon be- 
 comes the only auditor. 
 
 Doc. Rightly observed, sir. — I wish he would drop 
 this subject, for fear I should expose myself ; for I 
 dont remember a circumstance of the action to which 
 he alludes, {aside) 
 
 Heart. From the interest you must take in your 
 friend's fame, you are doubtless more possessed of 
 the business, than I am : come, relate it to lady Julia : 
 she will be pleased to hear with what gallantry major 
 Clayton signalized himself ; for my part, I could 
 listen for ever to the glorious achievements of my 
 countrymen . 
 
 Doc. Here is a dilemma ! I am to render a faith- 
 ful and clear account of an action of which I don't 
 know a single particular, in the hearing of a man who 
 has every extraordinary gazette by heart : there is 
 only one vvay left for me — so, impudence assist me: 
 {aside) the action, to the best of my recollection, be- 
 gan — (pausing) let me see — I wish to be accurate — 
 
 Heart. At one o'clock, in the day. 
 
 Doc. Precisely. 
 
 Heart. Then the troops moved from the trenches. 
 
 Doc. Yes ; the troops moved then from the 
 trenches. 
 
 Htart^ Crossed the rocky bed of the Cavery. 
 
 Doc. Pressed forward — 
 
 Heart. And, under a tremendous fire, passed the 
 glacis and ditch — 
 
 Doc. Only think of that ma'am — pasied the glacis 
 and ditch ! — 
 
 Heart. Ascended the breaches in the fausse, braye 
 and rampart of the fort — 
 
 Doc. Observe what 1 tell you, lady Julia — the ram- 
 part of the fort — 
 
 Heart. Surmounting, in the most gallant manner, 
 every obstacle — 
 
 Doc. Mind, ma'am — every individual obstacle, 
 and— and — 
 
 Heart. And success was complete. 
 D2 
 
42 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Doc. Success, you see, madam, complete. 1 am 
 pretty accurate, you find, sir — 
 
 Heart. Yes. yes — but your friend, major Clayton. 
 
 Doc, Ay, madam— now you shall hear of my 
 friend, major Clayton — 
 
 Heart. Vou remember vvhen his colonel was 
 disabled, and surrounded by the enemy, how the 
 major — 
 
 Doc. Yes- -the^e was' a display for the major's 
 galhntry ? — when his colonel was surrounded by the 
 enemy — 
 
 HexiTt. He cut through the whole mass of them — 
 
 Doc. Through the whole mass. 
 
 J j earl. And bore him off in safely. 
 
 Doc. Oifin safety — victoria ! victoria ! 
 
 Heart. Give me your hand — I laud your enthu- 
 siasm. May the brilish arms, in every contest, meet 
 with the same r^lorions 'ssue '. 
 
 Doc. Oif in safety, mr.dam-— victeria ! victoria ! 
 
 [exeunt doct. Srntall and Heartworih 
 
 Lady Jm/. I remember I used to shrink from the 
 recital of such events ; and now^ 1 could listen 
 for ever. Ah ! tis ihe hero of the story, excites this 
 interest — oh dear, how oddly Ifeel! why should not 1 
 be cheerful ? he is restored to life — he is out of all 
 danger — he — he! why, heaven defend me ! I caa say 
 nothing but he : who's this ? — as sure as fate, tis he : 
 oh what a flutter I am in ! 
 
 lord DE MALLORY enters. 
 
 Lord De M, I was full of anxiety, madam, to mee{/ 
 you. 
 
 Lady. Jul. You should not have left your chamber 
 50 soon — yon require repose. 
 
 Lord De 31. Was it possible to find repose, with 
 such a debt of gratitude unpaid, as that I owe to 
 you ? to you 1 am indebted for my life — accept such 
 thanks — 
 
 Laidy Jul. Oh ! cease~I can't bear to receive 
 *fcanks from one whc-se generous zeal in the cause of 
 
Act III] EXTRAORDINARY 43 
 
 humanity, demands the thanks and admiration of all.- — 
 Pray, spare me. 
 
 Lord Be 31. I am inclined to obey you ; but only 
 because I feel inadequate to tlianii you as I ought. — 
 When the heart beats with the strongest feehngs, 
 the tongue is often least able to execute the office 
 of expressing them. Only let me say the life you have 
 saved, should with ardor be sacrificed, to promote 
 your happiness. 
 
 Lady Jul. (aside) Sacrificed ! oh ! no — it must be 
 carefully preserved to promote my happiness. 
 
 Lord he 31. And may I, lady Julia, at least, be 
 allowed to think that while your tenderer, warmer sen- 
 timents are devoted to another. — 
 
 Lady Jul. Another ! I dont know where that other 
 gentleman lives, 1 am sure, (aside) 
 
 Lord De 31. You will deign, sometimes, to re- 
 member him who will for ever cherish youy as the 
 dearest object of his gratitude — the only object of his 
 —love. 
 
 Lady JtcL Sir ! did 1 hear rightly ? did you say — 
 I must mind what I am doing — i am so delighted — 
 but 1 must be prudent — 1 shall seem forward, I fear 
 — love ! yes, he did say, love — I — I — 1 am so agi- 
 tated (aside) oh, help ! a chair ! {lord De 31. offers 
 to take her in his arms) no, no, — not your arms — a 
 chai'', a chair ! {ynhile lord De 3Iallory runs for a 
 ■chair y sir Harry Aspen enters, and catches lady Julia^ 
 who isfaintingy in his arms.) 
 
 Lord De 31. Not in my arms ! — no, no, — those 
 are the arms — if i remain, I shall not control my in- 
 dignation. Oh Julia ! — distraction ! 
 
 [exit lord Dc Mallory 
 
 Sir //. Delicate creature !— not his arms — no, no — 
 ^jhe would not faint in any arms but mine. — Ah ! she 
 evidently saw me approaching. 
 
 Lady. Jul. (recovering., but not seeing sir Harry) 
 you are very kind — I can't think what affected me 
 so — you see I needed your support, though I reject* 
 , ^^ it— 
 
44 THE GAZETTE (Holmaa 
 
 Sir H. From another. Oh ! lady Julia, I am flat- 
 tered beyond 
 
 Lady Jul. Sir ! {looking at him XDith surprise, and 
 then looking round) 
 
 Sir H. I must not be too abrupt, I find ; ' otherwise 
 * she'll think it necessary to give herself airs ; and that 
 ^ would throw me into a ridiculous situation.' {aside) 
 
 Lady Jul. I hope, sir Harry, you will not miscon- 
 oeive. 
 
 Sir //. 1, madam! impossible. No, no — there is 
 no danger of that — it is all too plain to be misconceived. 
 (aside) 
 
 Lady Jul. I fear a return of my indisposition — I must 
 retire For air. 
 
 Sir H. Poor dear! a strong case, indeed. Do me 
 the honor to accept my assistance, {o^ering his arm) 
 
 Lady Jul. I dont need it, sir Harry. 
 
 Sir H. I hope, lady Julia, you will soon recover 
 ihis — — 
 
 Lady Jul. Oh, yes — no doubt : good day, sir Harry. 
 
 Sir H. My most fervent wishes for your health. 
 
 Lady Jul. {impatiently) Good day, sir Harry, 
 
 [eiit lady Julia 
 
 Sir //. Poor thing — agitated beyond description ; — 
 before she leaves the pleasure grounds, I will summon 
 resolution, and declare my passion. My success here 
 will make ample amends for all my failures. Bravo, 
 sir Harry ! you have done wonders indeed. iexi^ 
 
 SCENE II — a part of mr. Hearlworik*s pleasure 
 grounds. 
 
 mrs. LEECH enters with doctor suit all, 
 
 Mrs. L. I know, doctor, I can speak to you as a 
 friend : do you really think that mr. Heartworth re- 
 tains his tender partiality for me ? 
 
 Doc. Just as much as ever. Strict truth, that — for 
 he always voted her as nauseous as ipecacuanha^. 
 iaside) 
 
 M.VS, L. I really began to fear that this fine lady of 
 
Act Hi] EXTRAORDINARY 45 
 
 fashion, his relation, forsooth ! had alienated his affec^ 
 tions. 
 
 Doc. Not dislocated a joint of them. Oh! mrs. 
 Leech, you are forgetful of your own charms. Must 
 dose my patients with flattery, or they wont let me dose 
 them with any thing else, {aside) 
 
 Mrs. Ij. Mr. Heartworth is certainly very much al- 
 tered, since his visit to De Mallory castle. 
 
 Doc. Altered ! what, looks older, you think ? 
 
 Mrs. L. Older ! no — what I mean, is, that he is a 
 great deal prouder — but he should consider that other 
 people have high connexions, as well as himself. 
 
 Doc. Bless my soul — here's a discovery ! high con- 
 nexions ! (aside) my dear mrs. Leech, what can I do 
 to serve you.^ command my heart, soul, tongue, pen, 
 sword, and shop: — did not you just hint something 
 about high connexions? 
 
 Mrs. L. Yes, to be sure ; I have a brother a general 
 officer. 
 
 Doc. Very good : — stop, stop : — brigade major, 
 will do vastly well for me. (aside) Go on, if yon 
 please. 
 
 Mrs. L. And a first cousin an ambassador. 
 
 Doc. You need say no more — you have hit it ! — if 
 i have a talent, it is diplomatic. Secretary to an em- 
 bassy : — charge d'affaires — huzza ! 1 am a made man 
 at last; now only tell me how I can serve you — I'll in- 
 sist on mr. Heartworth's marrying you — charge d'af- 
 faires ! oh ! that will screw me up to any thing — I'll 
 marry you myself, if you like. 
 
 Mrs. L. What did you say, doctor ? 
 
 Doc. I said — that is — I was thinking that — we'll at 
 all events try mr. Heartworth first. Marry her my- 
 self! no, no — that bolus need not be swallowed till all 
 else fail — I'll reserve that desperate sally for a forlorn 
 hope, (aside) My dear mrs. Leech, I fly to serve you— 
 you could not put your cause into the hands of a better 
 special pleader ;— I'll board him so stoutly, that if he 
 dont strike to you, may I never be honored with a 
 sijiile from a prime minister ! ^exit doctor Suitall 
 
4.6 THE GAZETTE [Holnian 
 
 Mrs. L. One would imagine, indeed, that a man at 
 mr. Heartworth's time of life, might think himself too 
 happy to be honored with the hand of a woman like 
 me ; — hut now a days, the old are as much given to 
 roving, as the young. Well, mr Heartworth, if you 
 should be blind to your own good, you shall find, at 
 least, that I am not reduced to the last extremity : — 
 somebody is approaching: — doubtless mr. Heartworth 
 — this is his favorite walk I'll step into this arbor ; — 
 there is something sentimental in an arbor : — there 
 he shall find me reclining in an elegant, captiva- 
 ting attitude ; and if he should chance not to espy mo, 
 a few tender sighs shall inihcate my retreat. 
 
 SIT HARRY ASPEN enter Ss as mrs. Leech is going into 
 the arbor, and just sees ihe train of her goicn. 
 
 Sir H. Yes, there is lady Julia — she seats herself at 
 my approach— that, very plainly says, sir Harry, I am 
 T!ot disposed to avoid you — courage, chevalier ! now is 
 your time to speak — 
 
 Mrs. L. (s'fghs) 
 
 Sir H. A tender sigh ! very well :— if you needed 
 farther encouragement, sir Harry, there, 1 think you 
 have it. Had 1 better go into the arbor, and seat my- 
 self by her side, at onc3 ? no, no — that, 1 think, will be 
 too abrupt: — notwithstanding her evident passion for 
 me, she is devilish high ; and her pride may take the 
 alarm at any thing she considers presuming: — no, this 
 is the plan — [takes a garden chair, and draws it close 
 to the arbor) how shall 1 begin ? 
 
 Mrs. L. {sighs again) 
 
 Sir H. Another ! I am afraid she will begin to think 
 me very tardy — well, now for it. (aside) I — madam — 
 
 rny passion — your charms oh ! curse it ! here will be 
 
 another failure — rally your spirits, my dear sir Harry. 
 {aside) Permit me to say, madam, I— I — I— love you 
 to — to desperation — f would not see her face, now, 
 for the world ; ' for if she feel it necessary to look in- 
 ^ dignant, I should never be able to open my lips again, 
 ' as long as I live.' (^fside) 
 
Act IIIJ EXTRAORDINARY 47 
 
 Mrs.//, (sighs again) 
 
 Sir //. That will do — it is all right, (aside) You 
 may judge my misery when I had reason to dread youv 
 marriage with another: — that apprehension being re- 
 moved, give me leave to hope that my fervent affection 
 will not be treated with indifference. Bravo, sir Har- 
 ry! I think I m'ght venture to meet her loolcs, now. 
 {aside) Oh, deign, then, loveliest of women, to behold 
 your adorer at your feet ! 
 
 Mrs. L. There is no resisting this, the hardest heart 
 w'ould melt:— oh, sir Harry! {comes out and throws 
 /lerselfon his neck) 
 
 HEARTWORTH, lady JULIA, lofd BE MALLORV, aiul 
 
 doctor SUIT ALL entar. 
 
 Heart. Well done, widow ! 
 
 Lady Jul. Sir Harry ! 
 
 Sir H. Lady Julia there ! 
 
 Lady Jul Yes ; and I humbly intreat your pardon 
 for interrupting so exquisite a love scene. 
 
 Sir //. Why, lady Julia — why, madam — {to mrs. 
 Leech) 
 
 { Heart'xorth^ lady Julia, and lord De Mallory, laugh) 
 
 Sir //, This is beyond endurance : —I am ruined — - 
 the game is up with me, for ever ; — I'll never see day- 
 light again — nor a human countenance. I have not a 
 hope left — no consolation in nature. Yes, yes, I have 
 — for there are such comforts still in existence, as flint 
 and steel, and a powder mill. \^exit sir Harry 
 
 Heart. How he takes the discovery to heart ! why, 
 widow, how much better you bear it ! oh ! I suppose 
 YOU are used to discoveries. 
 
 Mrs. L. Dont ba scurrilous, sir. 
 
 Doc. {goi7ig up to mrs Leech) Mrs. Leech, just 
 permit me to say, that you have not paid a proper re- 
 spect to delegated authority : — you invested me with 
 power to negociate a treaty in one quarter, while you 
 were ratifying a very close counteracting alliance in 
 another. This is conduct at which, 1 am sure, your 
 
43 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 cousin the ambassador would feel highly indignant: — 
 but I won't reprove you harshly, because 1 never lose 
 my respect for persons of high connexion. 
 
 Heart. Well, widow, at all events, you will now give 
 up your claim on me : — I am fairly exonerated. 
 
 Mrs L. Certainly, mr. Heartworth. The man who 
 trifles with affection, can never, with reason, complain 
 of its being transferred to another ; and when you com- 
 pare the pretensions of the two objects in question, you 
 cannot, I think, fail to admit, that a woman must pos- 
 sess very limited powers of discrimination, who would 
 hesitate where to give the preference. Good day, mr, 
 Heartworth, you will excuse me, I hope. 
 
 [exit mrs. Leech 
 
 Doc. I doubt whether her brother the general, could 
 have made an abler retreat. Oh ! there is a deal of 
 the old soldier about her. I'll bring up her rear how- 
 ever ; — for if she is at issue with me, I must adminis- 
 ter my specific sedative, adulation, — that she may put 
 in my plea with her cousin the ambassador : — charge 
 d'affaires, must never be lost sight of. {aside) [exit 
 
 Heart. Why, what the plague, can this mean ? is 
 sir Harry frantic ? I thought he had a hankering kind- 
 ness for you. {to lady Julia) 
 
 Lady Jul. I never perceived it ; — but if that were 
 the case, I suppose he was resolved to pique me for my 
 insensibility, by convincing me that all women are not 
 equally blind to his accomplishments. 
 
 Heart, I'll follow the poor fellow, however ; for 
 since he is so mad as to fall in love with the widow, 
 he is desperate enough to do any thing. [exit 
 
 Lord De AT. Is it possible, lady Julia, that sir Har- 
 ry never declared a passion for you, or received en- 
 couragement. 
 
 Lady Jul. Encouragement from me ! — sir Harry re- 
 ceive encouragement ? never. 
 
 Lord De M. By this avowal you have given me life 
 a second time. 
 
 Lady Jul. How could you conceive any thing m to- 
 t£»1ly unfounded ^ 
 
Act III] EXTRAORDINARY 49' 
 
 Lord Da M. Pardon my absurdity — I blush to think 
 that I should have been the dupe ot scandal. 
 
 Lady Jul. 1 am shocked to think that I should be 
 the object of it 
 
 Lord De M. Tis the tax which superior excellence 
 must pay to envy. — You have relieved me, lady Julia^ 
 from the pangs of hopeless love : — while your heart is 
 not devoted to another, I will cherish the dear idea that 
 you may be mine. Oh ! give me the happiness of 
 hearing from your own lips, that I am not hateful to 
 you ! 
 
 Lady Jid. Hateful is a strong word: — no, no: — in- 
 deed, you are not quite hatefui to me. 
 
 Lord De M. On my knees, let me thank you for 
 your goodness. 
 
 HEARTWORTH re-enters. 
 
 Heart. Hey-day ! pray, are you amusing yourselves^ 
 by acting sir Harry and the widow, or are you ma- 
 king love for yonrselves, good people ? 
 
 Lord De M. To you, and to the whole world, I 
 am ready to avow my ardent passion for lady Julia — 
 and lord De Mallory, now, — {going to avow himself) 
 
 Heart. Lord De Mallory ! dont mention that name ; 
 —lord De Mallory has no right here ^ — and if you are 
 even an acquaintance of his Lordship, it may be suffi- 
 cient to ruin your chance. 
 
 Lady Jul. 1 have to inform you, major Clayton, 
 that, having purchased my freedom with the loss of 
 my fortune, lord De Mallory can claim no interfer- 
 ence with me : to circumstanced, all mention of him 
 tnust be unnecessary ; and when I tell you that his 
 very name is odious to me, I trust you will forbear to 
 repeat it. 
 
 Heart. There now, you find I am right. — If you are 
 a friend of lord De Maliory's cut the connexion. 
 
 Lord De M How violent the prejudice ! I shall be 
 ruined if I avow myself, {aside) 
 
 Heart. Major Clayton, give me your hand. — Damn 
 ford de Mallory : — 1 like vou ^ much as I hate him ; 
 E 
 
50 THE GAZETTE [Holmari 
 
 — ay, arid my cousin Julia, likes you too» whether she 
 have lold vou so, or not. 
 Lady Jul. My dear sir, you go too far. 
 Heart. Do I ? well, I shall mend that fault by going 
 a great deal farther. 1 am a plain fellow, that come 
 plump to a point at once. — There stands lady Julia 
 Sandford, to whom, as respectable a banker as ever 
 Lombard street produced, is ready to pay. on demand, 
 th<? sum of twenty thousand pounds. — This trifling 
 circumstance being premised, I take the hand of the 
 aforesaid lady Julia, and consign it to major Clayton, 
 as a pledge thac the parson shall cement the union to- 
 morrow morning. {Heartworth takes lady Julia'' s 
 hand — she just sufficiently reluctant^ to accord with 
 female delicacy ~ lord De Mallory starts back) 
 
 Heart. What the devil do you shrink at ? — o ! 1 
 dare swear you have got into your head, some con- 
 fused notion that we shall make inquiries mto your 
 rent-roll, for which you may not be quite prepared. — 
 No, no, we are a different kind of people ; — we know 
 better: — a soldier's rent-roll is the record of his gal- 
 lant deeds: — and yours, major Clayton, is of higher 
 value in my estimation, than the fee simple of a whole 
 country. ( offering lady Julia'' s hand again) 
 
 Lord Da 31. I am distracted ! despised as myself; 
 —valued only for the merit of the character I have as- 
 sumed ! — accept her hand as an impostor ? impossible ! 
 I should be the most degraded of beings. (Heart- 
 zDorth and lady Julia, look with astonishment at his 
 hesitation) 
 
 Heart. While 1 possess a particle, in my composi- 
 tion, of such an ingredient as patience, allow me to 
 ask, whence this extraordinary conduct proceeds ? 
 
 Lord De M I can, at present, give no explanation. 
 —The treasure afforded me, constitutes all I wish on 
 earth : — yet I must, — distraction I lady Julia, pity me : 
 —do not hate me : — suspend your sentence on my 
 conduct: — by heaven, I will not prove unworthy of 
 you : — lime shall clear all — {exit lord De Malhry 
 Heart, {zvalking ahov.f) Whew—wh^n'' ! have e.x 
 
Act IV] EXTRAORDINARY Si 
 
 posed myself:—! am a fool :— a cursed old fool.-« 
 - Time shall clear all !" shall it ? 1 dare say— it is— 
 it is as clear as day.— This damned fellow has got a 
 wife somewhere, and when he has poisoned her, ot 
 cut her throat, he will then be here again, to marry 
 you.— Oh, Julia, forgive me I 1 am a precipitate old 
 blockhead, easily imposed on by a specious appearance, 
 and blazing reputation— a plague on all gazettes! — 
 I'll never read another.— Forgive me, my dear girl,— 
 do, pray, forgive me ! {exeunt 
 
 END OF THE THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE i—Heartworth's house, 
 doctor suiTALL enters, supporting ellen. 
 
 Doc. Lean hard— you must be a little faintish, but 
 you look bloomingly, you do great credit to my medi- 
 cal skill. But let us now '* throiv physic to the dogs. 
 " Let us talk of war"— your father wai a soldier. 
 
 EH Yes. 
 
 Doc. You naturally love a soldier ? 
 
 EIL {Willi a sigh) Yes. 
 
 Doc. Good. I am one— brevet lieutenant. Any 
 friends in the navy ? 
 
 Ell No. Besides those you know of, I have no 
 friend, but one, {loith a sigh] any where. 
 
 Dec. But one friend.— Rather scantily appointed. 
 Well, one friend may do something, {aside) Allow 
 me to inquire who that friend may be ? 
 
 Ell. Tis no matter. 
 
 Doc. Oh, ho ! close on the subject— a friend in a 
 corner— well, a friend in a corner frequently makes a 
 familv thrive prodigiously. Sorry her connexions are 
 so limited— but she is really very pretty ; and I dont 
 know any of my professions in which a pretty wife ha^ 
 
m THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Slot been tlic cause of promotion. — Biit I must come 
 to the point, (aside) My charming patient, tell me — 
 have not you felt a certain sensation called — 
 
 EIL What? 
 
 Doc. Love. 
 
 £11. Oh, yes ! 
 
 Doc. You feel it now, may be ? 
 
 £IL Yes ; — and shall, as long as I live. 
 
 Doc. I knew it — 1 knew it — doctor you are a de- 
 luding rogue — you never fail. Ha ! here is lady Ju- 
 lia. . 
 
 lady JULIA and heartvvorth enter. 
 
 Lady Jul. My dear Ellen, I rejoice to see you so 
 perfectly recovered. 
 
 Doc. You do me great honor. 
 
 Heart. How do you make out that ? 
 
 Doc. Bless me ! is not her perfect recovery a proof 
 ^f my skill ? 
 
 Heart. That's by no means clear ; but I will allow 
 you one merit ;— letting her recover so soon is a tolera- 
 ble proof of your honesty. 
 
 Ell. (to lady Julia) Pray, madam, where is the gen- 
 tleman who saved my life ? 
 
 Doc. At your elbow, to be sure. 
 
 Ell. I mean the gentleman who snatched me from 
 the lake. I wish 1 could tell him I am not ungrateful. 
 {Heartv)orth expresses anger) 
 
 Lady Jul. {evidently affected) He is no longer 
 here. 
 
 Ell. No ! I am very sorry : — I am told, that by sav- 
 ing me, he v.'as almost drowned himself — oh! what a 
 generous, good man ! 
 
 Heart. Generous — good— he is the greatest seoun- 
 cU'el in existence. 
 
 Ell. {muck amazed) Sir! 
 
 Lady Jul. Calm yourself, dear sir ! 
 
 Heart, {to dr. Suitall) And you — are not you a 
 pretty fellow to introduce such a villain ? 
 
 3oc. My dear sir, consider the extraordinary ga^ 
 
Act TVl EXTRAORDINARY 83 
 
 xette.— One would have thought major Clayton^s being 
 a villain impossible. . , 
 
 Ell. Major C'ayton ! yes, yes, that is impossible, 
 
 Iwith warmth) . ^t. r • j 
 
 Doc. What an animated defence! oh, ho! the tnenci 
 in a corner, to a certainty, {aside) 
 
 Lady Jul. Do you knovsr major Clayton? 
 
 Ell. Oh, yes, I do know him. 
 Heart. Poor thing ! to your cost, I dare swear. Ay, 
 ay, I warrant he has an extensive acquaintance among 
 such pretty girls as you 
 
 Lady Jul. How came you to know him? 
 
 Ell. I'll tell >ou, madam. My father served with 
 him in India ; and, when he lost his hfe, at the taking 
 of Seringapatam. 
 
 Heart. Was your father at the taking Qf Senngapa- 
 tam ? 
 
 Ell. Yes, sir. 
 
 Heart. His name ? 
 
 Ell. Meredith. , ^ „ 
 
 Heart. How ! the brave Serjeant who was mortally 
 ivounded in the defence of his commanding officer ? 
 
 Ell. Yes, sir ; and that officer was major Clayton. 
 
 Heart. What do you tell me, your father lost his 
 life in defending this man, who, as I guess, has been 
 to you 
 
 Ell. A second father !— oh, £ir, he has been every 
 thing to me. 
 
 Heart. Curse jt, T was afraid so ! {halj aside) 
 
 Ell. As soon as he came to England, he hastened 
 to comfort my poor mother and myself. 
 
 Heart. A precious comforter ! 
 
 Ell. He provided us with every thing we could de- 
 sire ; and, though I was in so humble a station, and 
 be so great, yet he promised — 
 
 Heart To marry you, 1 dare be sworn. The old 
 trick !— yes, yes— I know how this would end ; and 
 you expect, no doubt, that he will keep his word ? 
 
 Ell. If he is alive I am ure of it. 
 
 Heart, Bless your poor deluded heart I Uke my »*- 
 E 3 
 
M THE GAZETTE [Holmaa 
 
 vice, get a plain, honest husband as soon as you can ; 
 and think no more of your major than he thinks of 
 you. 
 
 Ell. (weeps) 
 
 ])oc. She weeps — poor dear ! I am ordained to dry 
 ihose tears : not her first love appears — no matter — a 
 second choice is a proof of amended Judgment. Sir, 
 iio Heartworth) though i am not exactly of the de- 
 scription you recommend, — a plain honest — 
 
 Heart. What, you admit you have not any such pre- 
 tensions. To say the truth, 1 dont see how you can, 
 for as there is supposed to be a little roguery in every 
 profession, your sum total of honesty, must experience 
 a multitude of drawbacks. 
 
 SERVANT enters. 
 
 Serv. A stranger, sir, wishes to see you. 
 
 Heart, {to dr. Suitall) Is this another friend of 
 yours ? damn all strangers ! we have had enough of 
 strangers. 
 
 Strv. What shall 1 say to him, sir ? 
 
 Heart. Tell him — no, no r—dont let me become a 
 brute, because 1 have met a rogue. Tell the gentle- 
 man to walk in. [exit servant 
 
 Lady Jul. We will retire. 
 
 Heart, [pausing) And so will I too, till 1 know his 
 errand: — I am sick of strangers. Doctor, I will turn 
 him over to you, and if he prove a scoundrel, then, 
 you know, "vve shall be quit on the score of introduction. 
 
 Doc. With all my heart, A man like me who so- 
 licits an extensive connexion, must not be too scrupu- 
 lous. Lady Julia, your most devoted. iMiss Ellen, 
 though, like Ariadne, deserted by a faithless Theseus — 
 dont despair, I will be the jolly god, Bacchus, at your 
 service. [exeunt Heartxcorth, lady Jul'ia^ and Ellen 
 Poor dear ! all heathen greek to her— I must give her 
 a smattering of mythology. 
 
 SERVANT ushers in major clayton and exit. 
 Doc, Sir, your most obedient ; — my friend mr. 
 Heartworth has consigned to me, the hoH»r ©f receiv- 
 
Act IVJ EXTRAORDINARY 5^ 
 
 ing you. May I beg to be favored with your com- 
 mands ? 
 
 Clay. Sir, the motive for my intrusion, is to inquire 
 after a lovely orphan, whom, I find, he has humanely 
 taken under his protection. 
 
 Doc. Her name, sir ? 
 
 Clay. Ellen Meredith. 
 
 Doc. Oh — an object of general pursuit, 1 see — her 
 connexions will multiply amazingly: — I must make 
 her my own, with all expedition, (aside) Sir, I have 
 the pleasure of informing you that she is vveli, which 
 happy event is intirely owing to the transcendent skill 
 of a certain person who shall, at present, be nameless 
 — and this same highly gifted, highly qualified person- 
 age, who led her to the temple of health, wiU shortly 
 lead her to the temple of Hymen. 
 
 Clay. And who, sir, may this be ? 
 
 Doc. One, who, when he has the honor of miss El- 
 len's hand, will be proud to solicit your good ofliccs. 
 
 Clay. Sir, what does all this mean ? 
 
 Doc. You are in the dark, 1 find— I'll illumine you. 
 You must know, sir, that this angelic creature was first 
 over head and ears in love, — then over head and ears 
 in the water ; — and the same gentleman who plunged 
 her into the first dilemma dragged her out of the sec- 
 ond. 
 
 Clay. And who is this gentleman ? 
 
 Doc. You shall hear all anon, sir. Then followed a 
 fever, which was speedily routed. Health restored, 
 there was no longer need of the doctor, who then 
 transmuted himself into a lover, and has now the honor 
 of presenting himself to your notice and patronage, in^ 
 the several capacities of, doctor of physic, bachelor of 
 civil law, barrister at common law, brevet lieutenant in 
 the army, and midshipman on board the Atall brig: — 
 with more et ceteras than the oldest peer of the realm. 
 
 Clay. And you, &ir, are to be the husband of Ellen ? 
 
 Doc. 1 trust so, sir, — that is, if her first love ilt prove 
 perfectly pure and platonic : — otherwise my lienor, civil 
 and military, forbid the banns. ,; . .* : 
 
i3* THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Clay. And who, sir, is this lover you speak of? 
 
 Doc Oh, a great rogue ; he has made sad havock 
 here, in another quarts*- too. 
 
 Clay. Indeed ' his name, sir ? 
 
 Doc. If 1 confide it to you, you will, of course, not 
 mention i cal'ed him a rogue ; for it is my practice 
 never to mal.c. an enemy ; particularly of a brave man. 
 
 Clny. I will be secret 
 
 JDoc Between ourselves, though, he is a most com- 
 plete scound -el His name is Clayton. 
 
 (lay. S). ' what Clayton? 
 
 Doc. W lac Clayton ? the Clayton — major Clayton, 
 v^o fougiu &o bravely at Seringapatam You would 
 n have thought him such a rogue, would you? 
 
 Clay. And are you certain, sir, of the truth of your 
 assertions ? 
 
 Doc. Absolutely. Mind, now, I wou^d not have 
 major Clayton know what I tell you, for the world ; but 
 stil", I assure you, he is clearly the most consummate 
 vi'I'r^^n — [ooir^g close, and looking him in the face) 
 
 Clay, {in a loud and determined tone) sir ! 
 
 Due {sturtmg back) Bless my soul I what is the 
 matter ? 
 
 Clay. Have you ever received the punishment due to 
 consummate falsehood ? 
 
 Doc. \ ? lord, no — why should ! ? I never told a 
 lie in my life. — You'll observe though 1 am called to 
 the bar, I have never practised. 
 
 Clay. Sir, you have traduced an innocent girl, and 
 calumniated a man of honor j but you shall not escape 
 the chastisement you merit. 
 
 HEARTWORTH enter s. 
 
 Heart. Heyday ! what is all this ? chastisement ! 
 why, doctor, this new connexion is not likely to ripen 
 into friendship. 
 
 Doc. No — though I certainly cannot upbraid the 
 gentleman with treating me coolly. 
 
 Heart. Yet, notwithstanding, 1 tfcink he keeps yon 
 ^l an awf«i distance. 
 
Act IV] EXTRAORDINARY ^7 
 
 Clay. You, I presume, sir, are rar. Heart worth. 
 I am sorry to have been urged to such warmth un- 
 der your roof — Can you account, sir, for the con- 
 duct of this man, in vilifying an innocent girl whom 
 you have thought worthy of your protection ? 
 
 Heart. He viUfy ! he did not dare, sure ^ 
 
 Doc. Bless you ! 1 never thought of such a thing. 
 1 only hinted at Ellen's acknowledged affection for 
 major Clayton. 
 
 Heart. I am sorry to state that to be a fact, bir. 
 
 Clay. And why should you lament her attachment 
 to a man of honor ? 
 
 Heart. Ah ! damn it, sir, you have been deceived, 
 Ijjie me, by the extraordinary gazette. 
 
 Doc. That is the fact, sir : our little misunder- 
 standing has been all owing to the extraordinary ga- 
 zette. 
 
 Clay. Gentlemen are you in your senses, or have I 
 lost mine ? what has major Clayton done, inconsist- 
 ent with his general estimation ? 
 
 Heart. Oh — I will soon settle his estimation in your 
 mind — you think you cap defend him ? 
 
 Clay. I am certain of it. 
 
 Heart. Very well— we shall see. —!n the first place, 
 seducing the affections of an innocent girl in humble 
 life, under a promise of marriage, is, I presume, a 
 mere bagatelle ; a rus& de guerre ; an allowable 
 military manoeuvre ? 
 
 Clay. No, sir ! an execrable act of baseness— and 
 most unworthy of a soldier ; for tis the achieve- 
 ment of a coward. To turn the pure spring of af- 
 fection into the polluted stream of infamy, is the 
 worst of villany ; and, to injure the being whom love 
 has rendered defenceless, and a rehance on your 
 honor has placed in your power, is the most degraded 
 act of treachery and cowardice. 
 
 Heart. Give me your hand, sir; — I always de- 
 spised those fellows who purchase the title of men of 
 gallantry at the expense of every quality that conbU 
 tutes a man of honor. 
 
m THE GAZETTE [Holraaii 
 
 Clay. Then, sir, as major Clayton is a man of hon- 
 or, he cannot have acted as you describe. 
 
 Heart. But I assert he promised marriage to Ellen 
 Meredith. 
 
 Clay. Which promise, he will most religiously per- 
 form 
 
 Heart. Will he? — then, sir, I have you in a cleft 
 stick — if that br bis intention, how did he dare make 
 his addresses to a woman of rank, under my protec- 
 tion,— iady Julia Sandford ? 
 
 Due Av ^ir ^how do you account for that? we 
 sha'l pose -his defend ei clearly. 
 
 Clay. Make his adnresses to lady Julia Sandford ! 
 he never behi'id lad\ Ju'ia Sandford. 
 
 Heart Oh, come, come- have done, have done. — 
 Eh ! doctor, we are to bt; cajoU d out of our senses, I 
 aee:— here stands the very man who introduced him* 
 
 Doc. Tis a melancholy fact, sir — 1 was the unfortu- 
 nate agent. — 
 
 C/uy. Of the devil it would 5eem, by your enormous 
 falsehoods. Be a^isured ihat slianje v^ ill quickly reach 
 you.— 13ut to the purpose of my visit :— lis to see El- 
 len Meredith 
 
 Heart. 1 must know you better before I consent to 
 that. 
 
 Doc. You are right. Stick to that point. — He is a 
 terribly dangerous fellow. If there k^as a phcenix of 
 fice for insuring female virtue, an acquaintance with a 
 soldier would be excepted jigainsi, like combustible 
 matter, and no more withm the intent of a policy, 
 than a powder mill. 
 
 Clay Sir, my right to see Ellen Meredith is indis- 
 putable, and 
 
 Ell. {without) I heard my name— a!id from a 
 ▼oice — (enters) ah ! it is he — it is major Clayton ! — 
 {runs to him) 
 Doc, -) 
 and >Major Clayton ! 
 
 Heart. J 
 
 Heart, (looking fr si with gr^ai surprise at major 
 
Act IV] EXTRAORDINARY 59 
 
 Clayton^ and then turning, with ludicrous indignation 
 to the doctor, who retreats— Heartworth following 
 him) And pray, sir, what sharper of your acquaintance 
 did you introduce to me as this gentleman ? 
 
 Doc. What shall I do ? all is up with me here, I 
 shall never cjet another customer. — Sir, I have been 
 imposed upon : — advantage has been taken of my ere 
 dulity : — but I will have redress — 1 will follow the im 
 poster through the world — he has destroyed my prac- 
 tice as a physician, and 1 will be revenged as a lawyer. 
 He has injured my reputation as a man, and I will have 
 satisfaction, naval and military :^ — I'll challenge and. 
 I'll capias him : — I'll change into every shape, to pur- 
 sue him. — If I find he is in dpbt, damn it, Fii turn 
 bailiff, to have the pleasure of arresting him. [exit 
 
 Heart. {cdUng after him) contrive to get him for 
 a patient ; he'd be in most danger from your physic. 
 Let me welcome you, now, major C'layton, as your 
 merits demand ; and pray forget, if possible, the in- 
 hospitable reception you have e.xperienced. 
 
 Clay It was owing to mistake, sir ; and therefore, 
 does not require the slightest consideration. And 
 now, sir, accept my warmest thanks for the protection 
 you have afforded this lovely girl. 
 
 Heart, To protect the orphan, sir, is the common 
 duty of a man ; but, to relieve every one from oppres- 
 sion, is an english gentleman's province : — lis a debt 
 he owes for his own felicity ; and, besides, the best se- 
 curity for the independence of his mansion is, to see 
 freedom flourish in the cot beneath it. All that is dear 
 to himself must be well defended, when the lowest 
 man in the ranks has rights of his own to maintain. 
 
 {exeunt 
 
 SCENE II— another room in Hearlworth^s house. 
 
 RANDALL and a servant of Heartwortk''s enter, 
 
 Serv. I hope, sir, youben'ta stranger ^ 
 liaj}. Whv so. friend ? 
 
60 TBE GAZETTE [Holin*B 
 
 Serv. Because, if you be, I would rather not men- 
 rtOTJ that you are here. 
 
 Han. No ! why ? 
 
 Ser%). My master, somehow, doesn't fancy 'em 
 i^iiich. When I told him, this morning, there was a 
 stranger wanted him, what do you think now he said ? 
 
 Jia7i, 1 am sure 1 can't teli. 
 
 Sero. Why he suid, "• damn all strangers— we have 
 had enough of strangers." 
 
 Man. But I want to speak to lady Julia ; and I am 
 no stranger to her. 
 
 rv. Oh, I shouVI not mind if you were ; for 1 have 
 jiot heard her damn strangers yet. Well, I'll tell lady 
 Julia a friend v/ants her. 
 
 Jian. No, no ; — that is too famihar : — not a friend — 
 
 Serv. Not a friend ! oh, but 1 might have known 
 that ; for a friend is a stranger, almost every where. 
 
 Ran. Tell her, her old faithful Randall wishes to sec 
 her. 
 
 Serv. Old faithful Randall ? yes, I will tell her so 
 —old mr. faithful Randall. [exiS 
 
 Ran. How I long to see the dear creature once 
 :again ! — f thought I should have been more fatigued 
 by my journey ; but even old age feels little toil, 
 when the mind is intent on the pleasure of beholding 
 an object it loves. Ah ! here she com^s. 
 
 lady JULIA enters. 
 
 I..ady JuL My dear good friend, how glad I am to 
 see you ! 
 
 Ran. The sight of you, my sweet lady, makes me 
 young again. 1 come all the way from De Mallory 
 castle, to fetch home a truant. You surely won't 
 break my heart by refusing to return. 
 
 Lady JuL Nay, dear Randall, why do you urgef 
 what you know I must deny ? 
 
 ' Ran. No, no, you won't deny, when you hear 
 ' what 1 have to say. Lord De Mallory is tlie most 
 ' altered cre^iture— he is the gentlest, the mo^ amia- 
 '• ^\(^ — 
 
Act IV] EXTRAORDINARY 61 
 
 ' Lady Jw/. Ah ! you have strong partialities.' 
 
 Ran. Do not, 'you lady,' persist in prejudices, when 
 the cause which inspired them ceases to exist. Your 
 brother feels the warmest friendship for lord De Mal- 
 lory, and — 
 
 Lady Jul. My brother ! is my brother returned to 
 England ? 
 
 Ran. Yes — and 1 fear your conduct has been mis- 
 represented to him. 
 
 Lady Jul How misrepresented ? 
 
 Ran. Forgive me if I tell you painful truths. Your 
 leaving the castle has been imputed to motives beyond 
 aversion to a marriage with lord De Mai'.ory. Sir 
 Harry Aspen is believed to be a favored lover. 
 
 Lady Jul. Can this be possible ? 
 
 Ran. It is ; and therefore 1 came hither to beg you 
 to return, to vindicate your reputation. I have breu 
 as loud in your defence as my old lungs would let me'. 
 It almost made me frantic to hear you taxed with ar- 
 tifice, whom I know to have a heart all openness and 
 innocence. 
 
 Lady Jul. Thanks, good Randall ! however painful 
 it is to me to return, I owe it to my honor, and must 
 and will assert myself. It is the fashion to hear friends 
 traduced with the most well-bred apathy, and to be 
 warm in their defence, is deemed a boisterous viola 
 tion of the harmony of civiHzed scandal. You exhibit 
 an amiable contrast to such unfeeling refinement ; and 
 shams on all those who, unlike yourself, suffer a repu- 
 tation to be sullied, without asserting the cause^ of 
 truth ; and who meanly purchase the character of 
 polished forbearance, at the expense of man's noblest 
 attribute— zeal for the vindication of innocence ! 
 
 END OF THE TOURTM ACT, 
 
6^ THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 A C T V. 
 
 SCENE I — an apartmznt in the caslh of De Mallory* 
 lord BE MALLORY and Ms inother. 
 
 Lord De 31. So that, my dear madam, all yott 
 have heard of lady Julia's conduct is errouious. 1 as- 
 sert her innocence, and am both proud and happy in 
 the assurance that she loves me. 
 
 Lady Dc 3L ( contemptuously) Her flying from 
 the castle at your approach is a convincing proof 
 of it. 
 
 Lord De M. She was justified in avoiding me. 
 My boyish insolence, my unwarrantable impetuo- 
 sity, authorised her former dislike to me ; but that 
 has subsided with the cause of it, and my corrected 
 disposition has converted repugr»ance into affection. 
 
 Lady De M. Well, — granting her affection ; is 
 your honor to be sacrificed to thai fluctuating caprice, 
 called love? had your ancestors consulted such 
 feelings, instead of their dignity, you might not 
 now be possessed of the proud titles which distinguish 
 you. 
 
 i^ord Dc M. Shall I disgrace my inheritance, mad- 
 am, by consulting my happiness ? 
 
 Lady Dc l\L Doubtless — if your happiness be con- 
 sulted at the expense of your honor. Having been 
 rejected by the versatile being whose affections you 
 now boast of possessing, miss Alford became your ap- 
 pointed bride. She, now in your castle, ready to obey 
 the Will of yourmutual ancestor in becoming your wife, 
 what honorable path remains for you, but as such to 
 receive her ? 
 
 Lord De M. Madam, I can never— 
 
 Lady De M. My lord. 
 
 Lord De M. Still, I confess, the greatest delicacy 
 ought to be observed towards her ; and I am anxious 
 f»r an explanation with her. {going) 
 
ActVl EXTRAORDINARY 63 
 
 Lady De 31. And, during that explanation, my 
 lord, remember who you are ; the representative of an 
 illustrious house ; who ought to consider, that, for the 
 advantage of the titles and estates you derive from 
 your ancestors, you owe some respect to what you 
 may term their pnjudices. {exit lord De Mallo/y 
 How strange his infatuation for this girl. V^ hat, if 
 ht^r partiality for sir Hany be a falsehood '<) was not 
 my son the object of her conte.nptuous rejection ? 
 my lord De Mallory, whence arises your degeneracy ? 
 she who bore you, ruver could foig t an insult, nor 
 ever missed the moment for avenging it. Ha ! here 
 comes one who may aid me most efteccaaily. 
 
 major clay ton enters. 
 
 — Major Clayton, your presence here, which will 
 be at all times highly gratifying, is now peculiarly 
 desirable I know your influence with my son ; and 
 you will not, I am sure, abet him in acting contrary to 
 his honor. 
 
 CYay You may be assured of that, madam. 
 
 Lady De 31. His marriage with miss AUbrd, which 
 must immediately take place 
 
 C/ay Would indeed be contrary to his honor. 
 
 Lady Z>e iW. Sir, I wish stron^^^iy to recommend iL 
 
 Clay. I am sorry for it, madam, for /cannoL 
 
 Lady Ds 31. You would not, surely, recommend 
 his marriage with lady Julia, whose conduct I cannot 
 reflect on but within.lignation. 
 
 Clny I thought we were on the subject of your 
 son's honor, not of your ladyship's resentment. 
 
 Lady De 31. Can they be separated ? 
 
 Clay. In this instance, I am certain they never can 
 be united 
 
 Lady De 31. I see your friendship prompts you to 
 accord with my son's inclinations : 1 cannot but feel 
 surprised at this, when I considi-r the liberty lord De 
 Mallory took with your name. 
 
 Clay. For which liberty with my name, all I re- 
 quirCj is, madam, that he may lea\-e no blemish on 
 
% THE GAZETTE fHoIman 
 
 i'. — But tis iniposblble he should. He is a british 
 peer, and 1 a brilish soldier. Honor is the bond of 
 both. Lord I>e Mailory, be assured, will fulfil every 
 engagement to which he has pledged the name of 
 Clayton. Your ladyship may now perceive that my 
 honor is committed with your son's, for the com- 
 pletion of his union with lady Julia Sandford. Of 
 course, it must be as impossible for you to require me, 
 as for me to consent to become the instrument of my 
 own disgrace. lexeunt on dijfereni sides 
 
 SCENE li — the hall of the cast! e. 
 lord BY. MALIORY cntcTS. 
 
 Lord De T)L The time approaches rapidly for the 
 completion of the prescribed marriage with one of my 
 relatives, or the forfeiture of my fortune. Welcome 
 ruin, in preference to an union but with my adored 
 Julia. Her brother must long since Irave reached the 
 lake of Windermere — have removed his sister's pre- 
 possessionSj and explained that the supposed Clayton, 
 who apparently rejecvod her. will sooner perish than 
 acce[:t the hand of another. — Here is miss Alford 
 — my task, nov/, is a very perplexing one — to teil a 
 pretty young woman, that it is impossible for me to 
 love her. 
 
 miss ALFOUD enters. 
 
 — Miss Alford. I have solicited this interview to poUr 
 out my whole heart to you. 
 
 Miss Al. His whole heart— oh, he loves me, and I 
 am undone, {aside) 
 
 Lord De M. To talk of tender sentiments and the 
 force of inclination, would be deemed by many of 
 our rank as a vulgar deviation from the cold system of 
 noble alliance. 
 
 Miss Al. Oh, I am in a pitiable situation ! (aside) 
 
 Lord De M. She seems much agitated: I fear her 
 nvi^'lics strongiv incline to this union, and 1 hardly 
 
ActV] EXTRAOHDINARY 65 
 
 know how to proceed : bul 1 must be expliciL (aside) 
 Madam, 1 have to declare to you, that a passion oP 
 the most fervent nature — 
 
 Miss ///. My lord : since I must speak, I had bet 
 ter get it over. — {aside) Though my delicacy ii 
 wounded at what [ am to utter, yet I must express to 
 your lordship, the state of iny heart — it is so absolule- 
 ly devoted — 
 
 Lord De 31. Dear madam, how mnch you honor, 
 me beyor.d my merit ! — here's a predic;jment ! (aside) 
 
 Miss .'//. My lord — I was going to say ■ 
 
 Lord De iM. I feel all, madara, thai you were go- 
 ing to say. 
 
 Miss Af. No, indeed, my lord, you do not. 
 
 Lord De M. Dont let your delicacy be furlh^u 
 wounded, by sayina: a syllabic more. 
 
 Miss Al . Oh yes, my lord — my delicacy will be 
 shockingly wounded, unless 1 say a p-fat deal more : 
 for — for I believe your lordship has a jitlle misundei 
 stood me — I was going to say, that — that my heart is 
 so absolutely devoted to another. 
 
 Lord De M. To another, madam ! 
 
 Miss AL Now. dont be so violent ; — yes. niy lord, 
 to another ; — and therefore, the passion your lordship 
 was so good as to express for me 
 
 Lord De M. My dear miss Ahord 
 
 Miss Al. Now dont iVi<jhten me. 
 
 Lord De M. This is really so blraiig-j- {laughing; 
 
 Miss ///. Lord! he is quite hysterical with passion, — 
 I'll get away from him. 
 
 Lord De M {detaining; her) Stay till I explain. 
 
 Miss AL Well, I will, if you will be calm. 
 
 Lord De 31. I am too happy to be very ca!m — for I 
 was going to declare to you, that my heart is absoiutc- 
 ly devoted to another. 
 
 Miss A/. Now, were you, upon your honor!* 
 
 Lord De 31. I was, indeed. 
 
 Miss AL And you really dont care at asl for me ? 
 
 Lord D: 3f. Not a — oh! yes, ve?"y much. — Ri my 
 COV'^JH ■ 
 
 ¥2 
 
0# THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Miss Al. Yoar indilTerence is charming, — my dear, 
 dear lord, I can kiss you as ray cousin ; which I assure 
 you I never could have done, as my husband. Now, 
 for heaven's sake, let us keep our real sentiments con- 
 cealed from lady De Mallory as long as we can ; — I so 
 dread her anger. Let her believe we are quite charm^ 
 ed with each other 
 
 Lord De M Certainly — any thing you desire. 
 
 Miss AL Rjitliow shali we contrive at last to avoid 
 the noose they are preparing for us? 
 
 Lord Dc M, Are you determined to refuse me, at alj 
 events ? 
 
 Miss Al. Ob, most absolutely. 
 
 Lord Dv 31. Then the worst that can happen, is a 
 sacri fi c e o f fo r tun e. 
 
 Miss Al. It can scarcely be considered a sacrifice, 
 when we part with fortune to maintain the freedom of 
 the heart. 
 
 Lord De M. I congratulate you, my dear cousin, on 
 possessing the wisdom which the insensible call ro- 
 mance : — to determine on the enjoyment of happiness, 
 under any privation, with the man of your choice, 
 rather than make a cold compromise for gloomy 
 splendor, and heartless society, at the expense of the 
 only true delight of life — domestic bliss. [exeunt 
 
 scene continues — lady julia enters, conducted by 
 
 RANDALL. 
 
 Lady Jul. My brother, you say. has quitted the cas- 
 tle, — then, wherefore should you urge me to remain ? 
 1 came to vindicate myself to him—to no one else do 
 I owe an explanation of tay conduct. 
 
 Ran, Yes, my dear lady ; — you owe it to yourself. 
 ^ Do not let your pride aid the malice of your enemies. 
 
 * Lady Jul. Still, 1 will not avow myself until my 
 *■ brother's return, therefore, I must desire you, for the 
 ' present, to obtain for me a secure retreat.' 
 
 Ran. And will you leave the castlCj withoii Jieeinff 
 lord De Mallory? 
 
Act VJ EXTRAORDINARY 67 
 
 Lady Jul. No longer press me to behold the object 
 of my aversion. 
 
 Ran. Will you refuse to gratify the fond wish, — call 
 it a foolish one, if you please — of an old man who 
 feels a father's love for you ? ha ! 1 see my lord, yonder. 
 
 Lady Jul. Let me fly him. 
 
 Ran. {detaining her) Nay, he is not coming this 
 way ; see, he passes on. 
 
 Lady Jul. {looking towards lord De M.) What ! 
 that — that he ? that, lord De Mallory ? oh, heaven ! 
 [much agitated) 
 
 Ran- Lady Julia, you alarm me ! 
 
 Lady Jul. Dont be frightened, I am better : — oh, 
 yes — much, much better: — but are you certain, quite 
 certain, that was lord De Mallory ? 
 
 Ran. How can you doubt it ? 
 
 Lady Jul. indeed, indeed, I dont wish to doubt it; 
 — but 1 am so astonished. I should like to see him 
 again — {Randall expresses much pleasure) but without 
 being known to him. Tell me, where can you conceal 
 liie, that I may see him undiscovered. 
 
 Ran. (pointing to a large stand of plants and flow- 
 ers) Place yourself there. Should he, or any one, 
 come too near, you can make your retreat into my 
 apartment. See, he is approaching, {they retire — .she 
 behind the flower stand — he, into a room near it) 
 
 lord DE MALLORY enters^ with a miniature picture in 
 his hand. 
 
 Lord De M. Dear image of the beloved of my 
 heart, but for thy solace, how insufferable were each 
 moment unblest with her presence ! with what redoub- 
 led delight I gaze upon thy charms, since the avowal 
 which facilitates my union with thy adored original ! — 
 here she comes whose charming ingenousiiess has made 
 me thus happy, (lord De Mallorij is near a table, on 
 zohich he lays the picture, when Ac sees miss Alford 
 coming, and goes to meet her) 
 
 miss ALFORD enters. 
 
 Miss Jl. How differently we meet, new otir hearts 
 
68 THE GAZETTE [Hoi man 
 
 are open to each other ; — our brows are no longer 
 clouded with distrust. Your mother is quite delighted 
 at the change we exhibit, — she wants to see you ; and 
 I undertook to bring you to her. 
 
 Lord De M. Thank you, my dear cousin. 
 
 Miss Al. No wonder she is pleased, when she find* 
 me positively courting opportunities to be running afier 
 you. Aren't you highly flattered ^ 
 
 Lord Dq M. Doubtless, after your frank declaration 
 to me. 
 
 Miss Al. Well ; — no two beings ever avowed their 
 sentiments more decidedly ; and, I am sure, we can 
 never doubt each other's sincerity. 
 
 Lord De M. And may we, through life, be as happy 
 as such sincerity deserves ! if it were more generally 
 practised, how much fewer would be the number of 
 miserable alliances ! 
 
 \e,xmnt lord De M and miss Afford 
 
 {lady Julia comes forioard in great agitation) 
 
 Lady Jul. Is there, on this earth, so wretched a be- 
 ing as myself? tis all plain. Resentment for my. 
 
 infatuated rejection of him, determined lord De Mal- 
 lory to feign a passion for me, for the purpose of rend- 
 ing my heart. He has succeeded— he is amply re- 
 venged I— foolish, proud, weak girl, how have you tri- 
 fled with your bliss ! all is lost ! — my cousin Harriet has 
 his love, — will be his wife: — and I — oh ! ! shall go dis- 
 tracted — {seeing the miniature on the table) he has 
 left her picture — with what ecstasy did he kiss it, 
 {opening the case gradually^ then looking with aston- 
 ishment) heaven ! have I my senses? — it is — oh, no-— 
 it can't be— yes, itis — it is my— my picture, {sinks in-* 
 to a chair) 
 
 RANDALL CnlCrS, 
 
 Ran. Lady Julia—dear lady Julia-—' this agitation — 
 * Lady Jul. dont be alarmed — tell me — whose — 
 ^ whose likeness is this? {showing hi)?i the picture) 
 ^ Ran. Yours, my sweet lady. 
 
Act V] EXTRAORDINARY m 
 
 ' Lady Ju/. Are you sure ? indeed, I thought so ; 
 * but still I feared I might be mistaken.' 
 
 Ran. Now, let me hope you no longer wish to be 
 concealed — let me tell !ord De Mallory — 
 
 Lady Ju/. No, no, not yet — not yet : lead me to 
 your apartment, — let miss Alford only, know I am 
 here ; she can explain fully. Give me your arm— let 
 us begone. I dread to meet lady De Mallory. I 
 fee] at present quite unequal to such an encounter. I 
 am faint— very faint — but indeed, much, much happier. 
 
 [exeunt 
 
 scene continues — doctor suit all enters. 
 
 Doc. So, here have I traced the impostor — the pre- 
 tended ma.jor Clayton. What tricks is he playing now, 
 I wonder? whom does he pass for in the castle?— 
 one piece of good fortune results from this mishap, — 
 it will be the means of introducing me to lord De Mal- 
 lory. flis patronage may afford fine scope for the ex- 
 ertion of my talents. 1 wonder whether he has a 
 borough vacant. Sir Karry Aspen ! 
 
 sir HARRY ASPEN enter s. 
 
 — Your most devoted servant. I have not had the 
 pleasure of seeing you, sir Harry, since that comical in- 
 terview between you and Ihe widow. 
 
 Sir //. Sir 1 
 
 Doc. It was very droll, very facetious, upon my hon- 
 or : — though you were a httle angry at the moment, 
 you must have had many a hearty laugh at it since. 
 
 Sir //. Damnation ! 
 
 Doc. To see the old tabby with her arms so loving- 
 ly round your neck ! I am sure you are a man that 
 likes a joke, and therefore I must tell you that I have 
 taken a sketch of the situation. — How you will laugU 
 when you see it ! 
 
 Sir //. [seizes him by ihe collar., frantic with rage) 
 
 Doc. What the devil is the matter now. 
 
 Sir //. Mark me, sir. 
 
 Doc. Yes, sir. 
 
70 THE GAZETTE [Holman 
 
 Sir //. I dont mind death, sir 
 
 Doc, But I do ; and to throttling 1 have a peculiar 
 aversion. 
 
 Sir H. Will you hear me, sir ? 
 
 Doc. With great pleasure, if you'll not let your ac- 
 tions be quite so impressive. 
 
 Sir H. Then, sir, if you dont tear your damned ca- 
 licature into a thousand pieces, I "11 tear you into as 
 many ; — for I'd sooner be gibbited for a murderer, on 
 Hounslow heath, than hung up for a fool in st. James's 
 street. 
 
 Doc. Oh— you dont like a joke — say no more, my 
 dear ^ir Harry ; I'll never trouble you with one, either 
 «rally, in manuscript, in print, or etching. — Pray do 
 me the honor to acknowledge me in this mansion — 
 may be, you'll condescend so far as to present me 
 
 Sir H Not I, sir, dont cling to me for support Vou 
 are here on your own footing, and must make your 
 own way. 
 
 Doc. Dont be so unforgiving — pardon me this once, 
 sir Harry — and now I find your nerves are so irrita- 
 ble, depend on it, I will never apply a stimulus to you 
 again ; I'll be as sheathing as oil, and as tranquillizing 
 as opium. [exeunt 
 
 SCENE THE LAST — a grand apartment in the castle. 
 
 lady DE MALLORY cnferSy with miss alford in a 
 a bridal dress. 
 
 Lady De M, Now for the completion of my wishes. 
 My dear Harriet, with what delight 1 behold you ar- 
 ra)ed as the bride of my son. 
 
 sir HARRY ASPEN enters. 
 
 Sir H. I am happy to see your ladyship. I hope I 
 am not too late to have the pleasure of witnessing lord 
 De Mallory's nuptials. 
 
 Lady Dc M. You are arrived in time, sir Harry ; let 
 me present you to the bride — {sir Harry is much de- 
 lighted) and I hope my son will soon n'pay the com- 
 pliment with which you honor him, by witnessing, if it 
 
Act VJ EXTRAORDINARY 71 
 
 have not already taken place, your union with lady 
 Julia. 
 
 Sir H. My union v'ith lady Julia, madam ? I declare 
 I — I dont know — ! should be too happy — I — I am 
 mortally afraid she is bantering me. ( aside) 
 
 Lady De 3L You seem a little abashed, sir Harry. 
 Come, come ; when lord De Mallory is this lady's hus- 
 band, you will feel less restraint in avowing your pas- 
 sion for her to whom he once was to have been allied. 
 
 Doctor Suitall {wilkout) Now, do pray, let me see 
 his lordship ; my business is of the utmost consequence, 
 
 doctor SUITALL enters, and a servant. 
 
 Serv. {to lady De Mallory) My lady, this gentle- 
 man will see his lordship, spite of all >we can do to hin* 
 der him. 
 
 Miss Al. Permit me, madam, to withdraw for a fev5r 
 moments. {exit miss Alford 
 
 Doc- I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons. 
 
 Lady De 31. You have chosen a strange time, sir, 
 for your intrusion. What is your business? 
 
 Doc. To detect an imj^ostor, madam, whom I have 
 traced to this noble mansion. Ah ha ! here he comes. 
 
 lord DE MALLORY enters. 
 
 — Have I found vou, sir ? this is the fellow, madam ; I 
 will rid the castie of him, I warrant you. Have you 
 no more respect for the illustrious inbab'tants of this 
 stately pile, than to intrude yourself here ? come, 
 come, sir, turn out directly, before 1 expose your Win- 
 dermere tricks. 
 
 Lady De 31. A lunatic ! 
 
 Doc. No, no, madam ; a sharper. 
 
 major clayton and ei.lf,s enter. 
 
 — Major Clayton ! this is luck, indeed Here is th*^ 
 impostor who passed for you. Pray, who does he pas* 
 for here ? 
 
 Clay. For lord Dh Mallory. 
 
 Doc. What ! in lord De Mallory '3 own castle ? 
 
72 THE GAZETTE [Holmari 
 
 Clay. Yes : and here it would be impossible for him 
 to pass for any body else. 
 
 Doc. Hey ! why ? 
 
 Clay. Because he happens to be, really and truly, 
 lord De Mallory. 
 
 Doc. Oh dear ! 
 
 Sir H. Lord De Mallory ! oh the devil ! then lord 
 De Mallory witnessed my scene with the widow. 
 
 Lord De M. Yes, doctor, I am lord De Mallory ; 
 and have certainly some excuses to make to you, for 
 presenting myself in a feigned character. 
 
 Doc. Excuses, my dear lord ! you have honored rae 
 beyond expression. Peers, my lord, have privileges — 
 
 Lord De 31. Yes, doctor ; but if joking be one, they 
 dont often exercise it. 
 
 Doc. Here is a connexion ! I am a made man. 
 {aside) 
 
 Lady De M. My lord, your bride approaches. 
 
 'lady JULIA enters with bride maids at the same door 
 through which miss Alford retired^ dressed exactly 
 like her — zviih a veil over her face. 
 
 Lord De M. No intelligence from Julia yet ! — 
 her brother not returned ! this dilemma is dreadful. 
 {lord De Mallory takes lady Julia by the hand^ and 
 leads her forward) 
 
 Lord De M. (to lady De M. and sir Harry Aspen) 
 You are in expectation of an event which can never 
 lake place, i am prepared to make the sacrifice of my 
 fortune, rather than unite myself in opposition to my 
 inclinations ! tis a great alleviation to the distress of 
 this moment, to know that the sentiments of the lady 
 destined to be a joint victim, accord with my own. 
 
 Lady De M. My lord, you astonish me. Do not, in 
 palhation of your headstrong conduct, attempt to mis* 
 represent the sentiments of another. The lady is dis- 
 posed to obey the will of her ancestor, by receiving you 
 as her husband. 
 
 Lord De M. That shall soon be put to trial. Maf! 
 am, are you not prepared to reject me ^ 
 
Act VJ EXTIIAORDINART 7.^ 
 
 Lady Jul. No. 
 
 Lord De M. What ! will you receive me as your 
 husband ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Yes. 
 
 Lord De M. Well, madam ! I shall not imitate your 
 Mutability. I reject you. 
 
 Lady Jul. {lifting up her veil) No, io — dontsay so; 
 
 luovADeM. Julia! 
 
 miss ALFORD enters. 
 
 Lady Jul. To this dear girl I owe my happiness. 
 
 Lord De M. I am filled with wonder and delight. 
 
 Miss Al. Come, madam, {to lady De Mallory) do 
 not suffer your regret to cloud our joy. It was vain to 
 oppose destiny. My heart is devoted as irrevocably 
 to the amiable brother of my friend, as hers to your 
 »on. 
 
 Lady De M. Well, I will endeavor to extract happi- 
 ness for myself from the general felicity. 
 
 Heart, {without) She is here — lady Julia is here,, 
 you say ? 
 
 HEARTWORTH aw(/ RANDALL enter. 
 
 Heart. Ha ! have I found you at last ? 
 
 Lady Jul. Yes ; and you are just come in time to 
 give me av/ay to one, who, though he refused me as 
 major Clayton, is ready to receive me as lord De Mal- 
 lory. 
 
 Lord De M. And be assured, sir, that lord Dc Mal- 
 lory is fully sensible of the blessing which awaits him. 
 
 Heart, {to lady Julia) If you are happy, I have my 
 desire. 
 
 Lady Jul. {taking Randall by the hand) And here 
 is one who partakes no small portion of the joy he has 
 been so zealous to promote. 
 
 Ran. Indeed, indeed, my heart is full of it. 
 
 Sir H. Disappointed in all my hopes, I had bcltejc 
 quietly retire to hide my chagrin, and escape the hor- 
 rors of ridicule, {as he is going mrs, leech en^zrs) 
 
 xMrs. X. Sir Harry ! 
 G 
 
74 THE GAZETTE, &c. [Holman 
 
 Heart. There, sir Harry ! reward her perseverance: 
 consider the journey she has taken in pursuit of you : 
 and travelling at her time of life is a serious thing. 
 
 Sir H. This is all I wanted to make me completely 
 frantic. In a few minutes I have lost the chance of a 
 brilliant estate — of a lady I have long adored — and, to 
 wind up all, I am to be laughed at by the world as this 
 old mouser's Corydon. 
 
 Mrs. L, What ! deserted and insulted? here is 
 treatment ! but I will expose your perfidy, and give a 
 fresh warning to sensitive hearts, not to trust perfidious 
 man : — 1 will be revenged, you barbarous monster ! 
 
 [ext 
 
 Doc. Sir Harry dont be agitated ; she has connex- 
 ions, and you have patronage :— if you'll sweeten the 
 dose I am ready to swallow it for your take ; and will 
 draw off her vengeance from you, by marrying her 
 myself. 
 
 Sir //. Will you be such a friend? (dr. SuitcUl 
 draivs sir Harry apart) 
 
 liady Jul. {comhig forward witk Ellen, lord De 
 Mallory^ major Clayton^ Sfc. uho have been talking 
 apart) And my dear Ellen's marriage shall be celebra- 
 ted with mine. My own happiness, my sweet girl, is 
 augmented by yours, 
 
 Elt. You are too kind—indeed I am happy far be- 
 yond my humble merit. 
 
 Lady Jul. Not so ; for sweetness of temper, and in- 
 nocence like yours, can never be rewarded too highly. 
 While you prove that native virtues in humble life, 
 may lead to an elevated station, [ was very near ex- 
 hibiting a fatal instance of precipitate decision, in re- 
 jecting him whom I now feel f was born to love. 
 
 Heart. Well, well, all is right at last, and I shall re- 
 sume my old partiality— in which J hoj^ 1 am not sin- 
 gular — for it is my hearty vv'ish, tiiat every one here 
 may look with satisfaction at the 
 
 GAZETTE EXTRAORDINARY. 
 
 END OF THE GAZETTE EXTRAORDINARy. 
 
EPILOGUE. 
 
 WilIi'TEN BY JOHN TAYLOR, E3«t. 
 
 As liiost, we find, are tempted by a name, 
 Our drama's title well may notice claim. 
 Gazette extraordinary — inspiring sound ! 
 What great events are in thy records found ! 
 Records which britons crowd in haste to read. 
 Warm with the hope of some heroic deed ! 
 Nor vain the hope, such tidings to peruse. 
 For british valor is but common news. — 
 Indeed so common, we may fairly say, 
 Tis what may be expected every day. 
 Soldiers and tars, all jealous feelings o'er, 
 Exalt their country's fame on sea and shore. 
 Invasion's menace treat with proud disdain, 
 Matchless on land as on our subject main — 
 Well, our gazette has brought a motley kind ! 
 What ditf 'rent views would strike each difF'rent mind'^ 
 ' Some might presage a journal of the times, 
 
 • To lash the follies, but to spare the crimes. 
 
 ' Other?; perchance, with disappointed spleen, 
 
 I I Have scowl'd contemptuous on the passing scene; 
 
 * Because, our author, who would all content, 
 ' Has fail'd to humor each peculiar bent.' 
 The politician, if so grave a wight, 
 
 Ij Has condescended to be here to-night, 
 May think he sadly sacrificed his hour, 
 Since our gazette reveal'd no path to pow'r. 
 
 Ijj The gen' reus patriot, if he came to hear 
 
 II That britain's gallant sons new trophies rear, 
 11 A philanthropic impulse proud to feel, 
 
 |[ Breathes the wide wish for social nature's weal, 
 I And pants to learn that, rising from her trance, 
 I Indignant Europe spurns the yoke of France. 
 I The simple maid, whose bosom throbs with car^? 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 76 
 
 EP 
 
 Far distant from the thoi 
 
 jyiight wish the subject of „,i,i„iuii.ii".n ^_ 
 
 A tender story of connul 014 492 873 o 
 They who in wedlock's hci^pv soite iejoice, 
 Mi'^ht hope for news to justify their choice ; 
 Though envious bachelors that slate abuse. 
 And say, its comforts would, indeed, be news. 
 The critics come, we fear, full fraught with gall, 
 For the poor pleasure of a poet's fall, — 
 But here, indeed, their spleen we can resist — 
 Extra gazettes contain no bankrupt list.— 
 What if, for once, they prop an author's cause. 
 And spread the kind contagion of applause ? 
 Do, rigid censors, take a friendly hint — 
 Let such a wondrous deed appear in print. — 
 For such a good example should you set 
 Twill make a most extraord'nary gazette. 
 And show, if british heroes nobly dare, 
 That brilish critics can as nobly spare. 
 
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 014 492 873 8