NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 
 
 BnHnK'5 Edition 
 
 ^ of PL7\Y3 • 
 
 )i\S: 
 
 The Prim Miss Perkins 
 
 Price, 25 Cents 
 
B. ttl» Plnero*$ Plays 
 
 Price» SO ^etits eacb 
 
 Till? A M A 7nNQ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- 
 lOEi niTlAfiVfliO males. Costumes, modern; scenery, not 
 dilHcult. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE CABINET MINISTER l^Zl 'iJr/eAtll: ^oT 
 
 tumes, modern gociety; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening- 
 
 riANnV HlPIf Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- 
 Ut\mJl i/lV^IV, males. Costumes, ihodern; scenery, two inte- 
 riors. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 TUr r* AV I nOn niirV comedy in Four Acts. Fourraales, 
 inC UAI LUIVU V2Ui:.A ten females. Costumes, modern; 
 Bcenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 
 
 four females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUr UnRRV UADCr comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, 
 ini:. nUDDI nUIVDC nve females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 ipfC Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
 *"1>J modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 I AnV DrklTMTIlCf Tl Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven 
 LAUI DUUniil'UL females. Costumes, modern; scen- 
 ery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening, 
 
 I FTTY I^rama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five 
 LiEil 1 1 females. Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. 
 Plays a full evening. 
 
 THF MAr'lQTD ATP Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, 
 inCi ITl A.U10 1 1\/\ 1 Ci four females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Waiitv ^, Jiafeer & Company 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
The Prim Miss Perkins 
 
 A Sketch in One Act 
 
 As produced by 
 HARRY LA MARR 
 
 NOTICE 
 
 This play is published for the free use of amateur players and 
 organizations only. Professional actors or companies producing 
 it in any form or under any title, without the permission of the 
 author, who may be addressed in care of the publishers, will be 
 prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 1917 
 
t'o 
 
 t,3 
 
 ^ 
 
 V 
 
 .^1 
 The Prim Miss Perkins 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 HuLDAH Perkins, who advertises for a husband. 
 Martin Muldoon, who answers, but does not answer. 
 
 Copyright, 1917, by Harry La Marr. 
 Professional and moving picture rights reserved. 
 
 f^ 
 
 ©CI.D 46382 
 MAR 15 1917 ^^^P9o-0u6484 
 
The Prim Miss Perkins 
 
 SCENE. — Sitting-room ifi the farmhotise <?/ Huldah Perkins, 
 a New England spinster of uncertain age. There is an old- 
 fashioned couch at L. One or tivo easy chairs and one 
 hard-bottomed chair. Old-fashioned rocking-chair up stage 
 at R. Door L. B. and zvindow R. B. The rope of a dinner 
 bell {outside) comes in from above and is fastened on nail by 
 zvindow. 
 
 (As curtain ascends there is a knock at the door ; no one 
 answers ; another knock, and in a moment Martin Mul- 
 DOON, a trampish looking fellow, sticks his head in the 
 door ; seeing 7iobody, he enters and looks about him.^ 
 
 Mart, {looking at paper in his hand). This must be the 
 domicile. I slumbered in the feathers at a neighboring house 
 last night and me optics discerned this advertisement in the 
 weekly paper which is published every month. {Reads.') 
 " Wanted, a man to help on a farm. Bachelor or widower 
 preferred. Might consider matrimony with the proper party ; 
 Huldah Perkins." {Looks up.) I'm neither married nor a 
 widower, — I'm a democrat, but democrats sometimes get into 
 trouble. I'll take a look over the farm and see if it's got any 
 stumps or mortgages on it. \_Exits softly. 
 
 Enter Huld. with tivo or three letters in her hand. 
 
 HuLD. It beats all how we country people is favored. The 
 Congressman what invented Free Rural Delivery oughter have 
 a bigger headstun than the doctor what got up pink pills for 
 pale people. I advertised in the weekly Whangdoodle only 
 las' month, and here's three answers fetched right at my door. 
 {Sits down in rocker and wipes her specs.) Martin With- 
 erspoon was over last night an' proposed to me again. That 
 man has popped to me thirty-eight times and I've set down on 
 
4 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 
 
 him thirty-nine. I told him "No" twict last night, an' he 
 left in a high dungeon. He's been sparkin' me over thirty 
 years and says he's gettin' discouraged. (^Rises and goes over 
 to I..) I told him faint heart never won a cook-stove, but the 
 last thing he said as he started away, — after givin' my dainty 
 hand a good squeeze, — was, "You may change yer mind, 
 Huldah Perkins," — he alius calls me Huldah Perkins when 
 he's miffled, — "an* if ye dew, ring the dinner-bell an' V\\ 
 come a-flukin'." The very idee of ringin' a dinner-bell to call 
 a man over to marry ye ! Marriage bells is all right in their 
 place, but I hain't quite ready tew plunge inter matrimony that 
 bad. (^IValks back to rocker and sits down ; picks 7ip one of 
 the letters from table, opens it and reads.') "My dear Miss 
 Perkins : 1 notice ye want a husband ; do you keep a hired 
 man, an' is yer house lit by gas and het by hot water?" 
 {Drops letter.) Well, of all things. He must take me for 
 one of them multiplication millionairesses ! . If I could afford 
 all them fiamdoodles, I wouldn't think of gettin' married. I 
 might settle on Martin VVitherspoon if he wa'n't poorer'n Job's 
 turkey, but Martin never was forehanded. {There is a knock 
 at the door ; she starts and rises.) I wonder if that's Martin 
 with another pop ? {She runs over to the glass and commences 
 smoothing back her hair; reties her apron.) 1 shall never 
 marry Mr. VVitherspoon as long as I'm single. {Another 
 knock ; she grabs her knitting work and runs over and sits 
 do7vn in rocking-chair ; calls out.) Come in ! {Enter Mart.) 
 Sakes alive ! Who be ye? 
 
 Mart. I hope you'll pardon this intrusion 
 
 HuLD. Be you a book agent, er some human bein' in dis- 
 guise ? 
 
 Mart. Me family name is Muldoon, and a fond parent 
 christened me Martin, consequently I always register at me 
 hotel as Mr. Martin Muldoon, Esq. 
 
 HuLD. You talk like a booktionary. If you'd wash yer 
 face an' hands I might recognize ye as some friend of the 
 family. 
 
 Mart, {tvith dignity). Madam, I started out in life with- 
 out a dollar in my pocket 
 
 HuLD. Well, I started out in life without even a pocket. 
 
 Mart. This is a cruel world. At the first place I stopped 
 at last night and asked for a lodging, they said everything was 
 full except the hen-house. I told them it was rather a foul 
 place to put a man whose ancestors came over in the May- 
 
THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 5 
 
 flower. They told me I would feel right at home then (blub- 
 bert?ig), as the chicken coop was full of Plymouth Rocks. 
 
 {Weeps.) 
 
 HuLD. An' did you tackle the hen-house? 
 
 Mart. Yes, I boldly entered. 1 drove an old hen off a 
 nest and laid where she'd been setting, then I went over and 
 set where a hen had been laying. But everything was too hard 
 and 1 left. 
 
 HuLD. [laughing). Excuse my cackling. But ye oughter 
 hev looked fer a nest of soft-boiled eggs. Mercy ! 1 see some 
 mud on yer feet, — did ye use the door mat ? 
 
 Mart. I introduced myself as I came in 
 
 Hui.D. 1 alius like to have everybody scrape acquaintance 
 with the door mat. Martin VVilherspoon alius wipes his feet. 
 
 Mart. Pardon ray verbosity, but are you the prim Miss 
 Perkins who advertised with a view to matrimony? 
 
 HuLD. {suddenly si/ting up in her chair). An' be you the 
 ninny-hammer who wanted a steam-heated hired man an' a 
 house het by gas and lighted by hot water ? 
 
 Mart. I'm a gentleman if my clothes are made by a tailor. 
 
 HuLD. Well, take a cheer. 1 alius want a man tew set 
 down when he's standin' in my presence. 
 
 Mart. I obey with alacrity and much condescension. 
 
 Hui.D. Say, if Martin Witherspoon had ten thousand dol- 
 lars an' your gift of gab, I'd marry him ter-morrer. (As 
 Mart, is about to sit down in one of the best chairs she yells.) 
 Sakes alive ! Not tiiat one. (Mart, springs up.) Well, of 
 all things. That's my bran' spankin' new one that I jest got 
 with seven dollars wuth of Larkin soap. (He starts for the 
 couch.) Nor tlie sofy either. I've jest had that covered with 
 six cent caliker, an' I'm expecting Mehitable Skinner over this 
 afternoon, an' 1 want it to look its best. Ye don't know 
 Mehit, do you? (Mart, shakes his head.) Well, Mehit an' 
 Dan Ludlin is own cousins on her father's side. Mehit's 
 mother's name was Carncross afore she married Skinner, — and 
 the Carncrosses was poor sticks. 
 
 Mart. I came here in answer to your advertisement. 
 
 HuLD. Be you an Irishman or a hobo? 
 
 Mart. My father was Irish and me mother was French. 
 
 HuLD. I didn't know but what you was one of them Scan- 
 dulivians. 1 hain't very partial to furriners. 
 
b THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 
 
 Mart. I was born in America, the land of the free and the 
 home of the Trusts. 
 
 HuLD. Well, 1 was born and brung up right here on this 
 farm. I want a man that don't chew, smoke, drink, swear, 
 find fault with his meals, who goes to cliurch and wipes off his 
 feet when he comes into the house. 
 
 Mart. You'll have to rob the cradle to find such a person. 
 
 HuLD. Martin Witherspoon has all them qualities, an' a 
 lot more I know nothin' about. 
 
 Mart. I stopped at his house last night and lie sent me 
 into the wood-shed to smoke. 
 
 HuLD. If you come here you'd have to give up smoking. 
 
 Mart. If I don't come, I may have to give up eating. 
 
 HULD. Do you know anything about farm work ? 
 
 Mart. I had the liay fever once. 
 
 HuLD. Do you know anything about cooking? 
 
 Mart. Me sister graduated from a cooking school. 
 
 HuLD. I've heeid tell of iheui fancy Noo York Cheefs who 
 git ten thousand dollars a year an' don't haf ter wash dishes 
 er sweep an' dust. 1 et dinner at Sime Henderson's tavern 
 onct, an' I never et sech vittles. We had sculluped lobsters 
 a la limburg. Paddy de Photygrafis, hickory nuts on the half 
 shell, roast pork garnished by apple sass, roast duck with 
 brown gravy, an' wound up with a kind of licker. 1 didn't 
 care so much fer the puddin', but 1 et that juice till I could 
 see two puddin's stid of one. I never cut up so much in my 
 life as I did that day down at Sin)e Henderson's after eatin' 
 that puddin' dressin'. (^Lattg/is.') 1 tried to jump over the table. 
 
 Mart. It was such tbod as that which ruined me digestion. 
 
 HuLD. You'll have no trouble of that kind here. Be you 
 a man of means ? 
 
 Mart. I carry me capital in me hat. 
 
 HuLD. You must be an organ grinder. 
 
 Mart. I have a splendid appetite and two strong arms, 
 and am a willing worker. 
 
 HuLD. {rising). Well, you may go out and swill the hogs, 
 then you may water the geese, milk the cows, bed down the 
 cattle, salt the sheep, grain the horses, feed tiie calves, strain 
 the milk, gather the eggs, shut up the hens and put a new 
 hinge on the barn-yard gale. After you get that done, come 
 in and I'll find you something to dew. 
 
 (Mart, looks at her in ivondennenf.) 
 
THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 7 
 
 Mart. Find something to do? 
 
 HuLD. To be sure. If I have a man, he must spend all 
 his idle time workin*. 
 
 Mart. When do I eat and sleep? 
 
 Hui.D. Well, if you liurry yoii kin git the chores done by 
 eleven p. M., an' you kin sleep 'til four a. m. 
 
 Makt. I'll need an alarm clock under my pillow. 
 
 HuLD. Then you'll be sleeping overtime. {Goes over to 
 table at upper r., where she busies herself while talking.) I 
 alius was a nervous, timid little tiling, an' I think I would feel 
 safer with a man in the house, even if he was an apology. I'm 
 dreadfully skeered of these burgular fellows, an' I dassent shoot 
 a pistol. 
 
 Mart. If a burglar enters, look daggers at him. 
 
 (^She looks at him.) 
 
 Hui.D. You'd belter hussle your boots, fer I'm expectin' 
 cump'ny, an' I've got tew sweep an' dust, do up the ironin', 
 make a batch of biscuits, tie off a comfortable, beat up a sponge- 
 cake, and set a hen. Your bill of fare fer breakfast will be 
 dried apples, johnny cake and marmalade. On Sunday morn- 
 in's you'll have a dish of stewed prunes extry. 
 
 Makt. I hope you'll forget to call me on Sundays. 
 
 HuLD. I'll not forgit to call ye up, an' I may call ye down. 
 
 Mart. Excuse my seeming impertinence, Miss Perkins, but 
 your advertisement said sometliing about matrimony? 
 
 Hui.D. Massy sakes alive ! Do ye think fer a minit that I 
 
 would consider matrimony with — with Why, I come of 
 
 one of the best families in Vermont. When I marry, it will be 
 tew somebody in equally socialistic circumstances. {He turns 
 to go.) I see there's a hole in your coat. Let me have it an' 
 I'll darn it fer you while you're out doin' the chores. 
 
 Mart, {taking off coat). Thank you, Miss Perkins — 'tis 
 an honor to have you curse me — er — I mean "darn" me. 
 {Hands her his coat.) I beg pardon, my meerchaum, — it 
 might be lacerated. 
 
 {Reaches in his pocket and takes out a short, black clay pipe 
 and places it in his vest pocket.) 
 
 HuLD. Land of Goshen ! An' dew you put that in yer 
 mouth ? You'll haf ter go down in the back forty when you 
 smoke that old settler. 
 
 {She takes his coat a?id he starts away.) 
 
8 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 
 
 Mart. If you want me, ring tlie dinner-bell— I jusl love 
 the sound of the dinner-bell. \_Exit. 
 
 HuLD. 1 wouldn't dast ring that bell fer fear that Martin 
 Witherspoon would think I had decided to take him fer better 
 er wuss. {Goes to work basket for 7ieeiile and thread ; looks 
 out of the window.') As I live, there he goes on old Dobbin 
 this minit. 1 jest wonder if he's goin' down to Mehit Skin- 
 ner's? He said as nmch last night when I refused him. Well 
 of all things ! What he kin see in her is more'n I kin tell. 
 Why, she wears a number seven shoe an' eats pie with her fork. 
 {Sits down and commences sewing on Mart.'s coat.) If I was 
 such an uneducated ignoramus as Mehit I'd steer clear of the 
 matrimonial market, an' if Martin Witherspoon marries that 
 toothless old maid, he needn't never propose to me agin. {Stops 
 and holds tip coat.) That's a pretty good coat fer a tramp. 
 There's a hair on it, tew. {Looks at hair.) It looks like one 
 of mine, but 1 hain't been nigh him. I wonder what's inside 
 that pocket ? If 1 was curious like some people, I presume I'd 
 look into it. {As she says this she deliberately takes a letter 
 from pocket and takes it from envelope.) Some folks is alius 
 pryin' into other people's bizness, an' some isn't. I'm glad I'm 
 an isn'ter. {Reads.) '' My dear Martin: I have some good 
 news for you." {Looks Jip.) Now I wonder what them good 
 news is? I don't feel 'tall curious, but 1 might as well look. 
 {Reads.) " You will recollect a few years ago you bought one 
 thousand shares of Arizona Copper stock for two hundred dol- 
 lars. It is now worth one hundred dollars a share, and you 
 kin sell your stock any day fer a hundred thousand dollars. 
 Yer luvin' cousin, Jim Britt." {She thrusts letter in pocket 
 and springs up in her excitejnent.) Massy sakes alive ! an' 
 that hobo is wuth one hundred thousand dollars? What did I 
 say to him when he spoke of matrimony? Did I refuse him 
 pint blank? He hain't bad lookin', when ye come tew think 
 about it. Sech deep blue eyes, jest the color of a robing's egg, 
 an' he has sech an extinguished way with him, an' his conver- 
 sation is so restless an' elevalored. I could have a hired girl, 
 a steam-heated pianner an' a refrigerator. Why, he's a regular 
 John D. Carneggy. {Again sits dotvn.) How modest he 
 carries himself fer a millionaire. Why, it's jest like one of them 
 ten cent dime novels by Laura Jean Libby. {Sighs.) I'll win 
 that man if I have tew give him ham an' eggs twict a week. 
 What name did he give? Martin Muldoon ! Huldah Muldoon 
 wouldn't sound so bad. We could have an auiobiograph tew 
 
THE PRIM MISS PERKINS g 
 
 ride around in an' a cheffyneer to steer ns. (^Looks around.') 
 1 wish lie'd happen in. i^Gets up.) 1 believe I'll ring the 
 bell — he'd git here before Martin Witiierspoon could make it 
 with old Dobbin. How cheap Mister VVitherspoon looked on 
 that old pelter of his. {E/iter Makt. in his sJiirt-sleeves ; she 
 has laid coat on table and rushes up to him ; he starts back in 
 surprise.) Oh, Martin ! — er — 1 mean Mister Muldoon, — I 
 hope you did not find the work fatiguin' ? 
 
 Mart. I iiave exhausted my knowledge of agricultural pur- 
 suits, and would like to inquire casually upon which side of a 
 cow you sit whilst you extract the lacteal fluid ? 
 
 HuLD. Never mind the milking — sit down, Martin — I really 
 feel as though I shoukl call you Martin, — may 1 ? 
 
 Mart. Call me anything you wish. 
 
 {^He sits down in one of the best chairs but immediately 
 springs up.) 
 
 HuLD. Take the sofy, Martie, — I'm goin' to call you 
 Martie. I feel jest so as you're wuth it. You'll be more com- 
 fortable on the sofy, an' I presume Mehitable Skinner won't be 
 over, anyway. {He looks at her in surprise.) Lay yer hat 
 on the table. 1 want ye to feel perfectly at hum. (^He drops 
 on the sofa ; she shrieks a little from force of habit ; he 
 springs up; slie pus lies fiim back.) Stay where you are, 
 Martie; it was only a little spasm. It does seem good tew have 
 a man settin' round the house. If there's anything i love 
 better'n havin' a man settin' round the house, it's a hen settin' 
 round the barn. 
 
 Mart. Am I dreaming or have you had a change of heart? 
 
 HuLD. That's jest it— it's my heart. (Sighs.) Why don't 
 you call me Huldy ? 
 
 Mart. I don't want to appear too fresh. 
 
 HuLD. Do you know what I was thinkin' about when I 
 \ieard yer light footstep on the back porch ? 
 
 Mart, If I had wiped my feet? 
 
 HuLD. I was thinkin' if I could get an honest, good lookin' 
 man, I wouldn't care if he smoked — a little, — er swore — ^just a 
 trifle. I think you understand me, Martie? 
 
 Mart. I understand ye, but don't quite grasp your mean- 
 ing. 
 
 HuLD. I was thinkin' of gettin' married. There, I've up 
 an' told ye ! We poor weak wimmin kin never keep a secret. 
 
 Mart. Who is the lucky fellow ? 
 
10 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 
 
 HULD. {giggii'ig)- I know I'm too young to think of sech 
 fol-de-rol, but, Mariin, what would you say if I said that the 
 man I had in mind wa'n't a thousand miles from here? 
 
 Mart. 1 suppose it's Martin Wiiherspoon, where I stayed 
 Inst night. 
 
 HuLD. It's not Mister Witherspoon. (^Blurts out.) It's 
 you, Martie. 
 
 (S/af/s toiuard him ; he falls back on sofa and puts his feet 
 up in t/ie air toiuard her to tvard her off.) 
 
 Mart. Me? 
 
 HuLD. Yes, you, Martie. I've a nice farm well stocked, 
 an' about four thousand dollars in the bank. 
 
 (7/<? sits up suddenly.) 
 
 Mart. Of course, four thousand is a small sum 
 
 {^Hesitates. ) 
 
 HuLD. (aside). It seems small to him. 
 
 Mart. But if you have carefully considered me an' think 
 you can care for me in the same manner I've always been cared 
 for, I might 
 
 HuLD. {flopping down on sofa by his side). Oh, Martin ! 
 
 (Ne springs over to the other end of sofa ; she follotvs liivi.) 
 
 Mart. Steady there ! I have not fully decideil yel ; you 
 know one must make haste slow in matrimonial ventures. Re- 
 member, you know nothing of my antecedents. 
 
 HuLD. I'm not afraid of them, an' I've been vaccinated 
 anyhow. Oh, Martie, I feel you have come into my timid lit- 
 tle life as the humble bee enters the hollyhock. My heart flut- 
 ters whenever you speak, an' you have sech speakin' eyes. 
 {As she rises.) I think we'll have ham and eggs fer breakfast, 
 an' meybe a leetle pork cake an' apple sass. Don't ye think a 
 cool glass of milk would rest ye up? 
 
 {She bustles about the table.) 
 
 u have no objections — Huld 
 t smoke. 
 
 {Takes pipe from his vest pocket.) 
 
 Mart. If you have no objections — Huldah — I think I'll 
 indulge in a short smoke. 
 
THE PRIM MISS PERKINS II 
 
 HuLD, By all means, dearie. I alius did love the smell of 
 a pipe. {Runs over and aiijiists pillow.') Can't ye lay down 
 an' smoke jest as well? {^Pats the pillow ; lie stretches ont.) 
 What a lovely head of hair you have. 
 
 Makt. Is this a pipe dream, or am I still in the hay-stack ? 
 
 HuLD. I'll get you a match ! {She runs and gets a match 
 and liglits it.) Do you like wine? 
 
 Mart. You may serve the wine presently. {As he stretches 
 out on sofa and puts his feet over the end.) The pipe will do 
 for now. 
 
 {He lights tile pipe and site coughs and strangles.) 
 
 HuLD. {turning her head and coughing). I never knew 
 tobacco smoke smelled so sweet. 
 
 Mart. While I am indulging in me afternoon siesta you 
 might go out and salt the hens, shear the ducks and make up 
 the beds for the calves, and when you get through wilh that I'll 
 set you to work, Huldah. You don't object to my calling you 
 Huldah ? 
 
 I Hui.D. {sighing). I never knew Huldy was sech a sweet 
 name. {Drajvs up a cfiair by him.) But you haven't made 
 love to me, Marlie. I don't fancy long courtships, do you ? 
 Martin Wiiherspoon was a stiddy kind of a lover, but one gits 
 tired of the same old sweetheart after twenty- five or thirty 
 years. 
 
 Mart. I'm a frost when it comes to making love. 
 
 HuLD. But you might call me your ducky. 
 
 Mart. I don't believe in calling foul names. 
 
 Hui.D. J feel I couldn't live without you. 
 
 Mart. You can marry me and see. 
 
 HuLD. How romantic it would be if you got down on yer 
 knees an' popped the question. Martin Witherspoon never got 
 down on his knees to n)e in his hull life. 
 
 Mart. The cour.se of true love never bags at the knees. 
 
 HuLD. 'Tvvould be jest like a story book, Martie — you on 
 your knees askin' fer my heart an' hand. Excuse my girlisli- 
 iiess, but 1 do love romance. 
 
 iMART. I never read a story book in my life — 1 don't like to 
 rend. 
 
 HuLD. {giving him a poke). Who reads your letters, 
 Martie? 
 
 Mart. I don't remember of ever getting a letter. 
 
12 THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 
 
 HuLD. Oh, you sly fox ! Would you scold real hard if 
 your little wife went through your pockets? 
 
 Mart. It's very little she'd find in my pockets. (Si/s ///.) 
 By the way, Huldah, where is my coat? i think I had a small 
 bottle concealed in the side pocket. 
 
 HuLD. I didn't notice any bottle in the pocket when I 
 mended it, but I hain't one of them pryin' kind. 
 
 Mart. Hand me my coat and I'll see for myself. (^She gels 
 tip and gets coai.) It's delicious to have some one wait on 
 you. 
 
 HuLD. {(TS she britigs it to him'). I can sew with the best 
 of them, if I dew say it. I kin sew with Mehitable Skinner any 
 day, — I do hope she an' Martin Witherspoon will be happy, — 
 maybe we'll give 'em our washing an' ironin' to dew. {As she 
 hands him his coat, s lie pokes him slyly.') Don't lose any let- 
 ters out of the pocket, you sly rascal. 
 
 Mart, {taking coat). What letters? Where did you get 
 this coat ? 
 
 {He holds it up and looks it over.) 
 
 HuLD. {gasping). It's the one you wore in here, Marty ! 
 
 Mart, {laughing loudly). That is certainly a good joke. 
 'Tain't my coat at all. {Laughs.) 
 
 HuLD. {shrilly). Not your coat? 
 
 Mart. Don't get nervous, Huldah, I didn't steal it. But 
 you've mended another man's coat. My coat is blue, this coat 
 is brown. {Laughs.) A good joke. 
 
 HuLD. {slirieking and shaking coat iji front of him). Whose 
 coat is this ? 
 
 Mart, {laughing louder than ever). It must belong to the 
 man where I stayed last night. 
 
 Hui.D. {hysterically). Martin Witherspoon ? 
 
 Mart. Yes, I've got his coat and he's got mine. 
 
 HuLD. {yanking letter from pocket and looking at envelope). 
 "Martin VVitherspoon." It's his coat and his letter, an' him 
 that's wuth a hundred thousand dollars. {Shakes coat.) I 
 thought I recognized that hair on the coat collar. {She rushes 
 over to the windotv and looks out.) An' I refused him last 
 night. 
 
 (Mart, again lays b ick on the sofa puffing at his pipe.) 
 
 Mart. You've got me, Huldah dear. 
 
THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 
 
 n 
 
 HULD. Shet up ! {She rushes over and tlirows Ins feet off 
 on I he floor.') Git off'n that sofy with yer dirly feet. 
 
 (Mart, sits up suddenly and stares at her.) 
 
 Maut. {sadly). My pipe's out. 
 
 HuLD. Take it out of your mouth and git. 
 
 {^He springs up and runs over and lays his pipe on the table ; 
 grabs his coat and stands looking at her.) 
 
 Mart. My dear Miss Perkins 
 
 Hui.D. Don't speak to me, — you've ruined my young life. 
 
 {She bursts into tears ; he goes up to her.) 
 Mart. Huldali ! 
 
 {She turns on him fiercely ; he falls back.) 
 
 Hui.D. Bah ! Take yerself away, — keep goin' till ye git 
 out of sight an' then don't stop. 
 
 Mart, {as he goes out). Stung! \^ Exits. 
 
 HuLD. What a numskull I've been. Meliit Skinuer'll git 
 that hundred thousand dollars, an' she never el in a tavern in 
 her hull life. She'll go ridin' by in her biograph with blue gog- 
 gles on. If Martin VVitherspoon would only drop in again. 
 Why tlidn't he tell me of this money? He had a new necktie 
 on last night; I oughter smelled a rat. What shall I do, what 
 shall I do? {Hesitates a monit'iit.) I'll ring the dinner-bell. 
 (^She rushes over to the rope and commences madly ringing the 
 bell ; she drops cord and looks out of the window.) 1 wonder 
 if he heard it ? He's no\Yhere in sight. 1 hope Mehitable will 
 have sense enough to refuse him. {R//shes around.) Will he 
 never come? One hundred thousand dollars gone to the dogs. 
 1 must look like a fright. {Runs over to glass and smooths 
 back her hair.) Phew ! how that pipe smells. If Martin comes 
 in he'll think I've been smoking, an' he hates tobacco as bad 
 as I do. {Sfie takes off Jier apron and commences wiping off 
 sofa ; rushes over to table and in her excitement picks up 
 Mart.'s//))^ and places it in lier moutli.) Phew ! {Comes to 
 herself , yanks pipe from her mouth and smashes it on the floor.) 
 Hark! Do I hear horse's hoofs? Meybe it's Martin. I'll 
 ring the bell again. {Rushes over and rings bell.) Curfew 
 must ring this afternoon. {There is a sound of horse' s hoofs ; 
 they groiv louder.) It is hoof beats. They come nigher and 
 
14 THE PRIM MISS PliRKlNS 
 
 nigher. (^Sounds grow louder.) It's old Dobbin's footprint. 
 (^Rushes over to the 7vindow.) It's Martin Witherspoon. 
 {Voice outside cries, " Whoa, Dobbin!") He's heard the 
 dinner-bell ! 
 
 {Door is suddenly opened and Mart, enters disguised in linen 
 duster, chin whiskers, cowhide boots, and covered zvith 
 dust ivhich flies about when he grabs Huld. iti his arms.) 
 
 Makt. {(IS he opens his arms). Huldy ! 
 Huld. Oh, Martin ! This is so sudden ! 
 
 {Falls into his arms as curtain falls.') 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
THE VAUDEVILLE STAGE 
 
 A Collection of Short Plays and Sketches Suitable for 
 Vaudeville Use 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 Dead Reckoning, 2 m. 2 f. Mr. McArdle's Quest, 3 m. I J. 
 
 The Insurance Agent, 1 m. 2 f. The Real Thing, 2 m. 
 
 Interviewing a Granger, 2 ra. The Separation of the Browngi 
 
 Jaclt's Bluff, 1 m. I f. ! m. 1 f. 
 
 Miss Jones, Journalist, 1 m. 1 f. Smoke Up, 1 m. 1 f. 
 
 Mor'd Alice, I m. 2 f. 
 
 Price, 2J cents 
 
 BAKER'S DARKEY PLAYS 
 
 A Collection of Short, Humorous Plays in Black Face, 
 Suitable for Negro Minstrel Entertainments 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 Careless Cupid, 3 ra. 2 f. The Intelligence Office, 2 m. 2 f. 
 
 De Trouble Begins at Nine, 2 m. Our Colored Conductors, 3 m. 
 
 The Faith Cure, 5 m. 2 f. Scenes in a Sanctum, 6 m. 
 
 The Man About Town, 4 m. I f. Sublime and Ridiculous, 3 m. 
 
 Mrs. Didymus' Party, 2 m. Tricks Upon Travellers, 3 m. 
 Oh, Well, It's No Use, 3 m. 
 
 Price, 2^ cents 
 
 THE ALL-STAR JOKE BOOK 
 
 And Minstrel Guide 
 
 A complete handbook and guide for minstrel sliovvs, containing a com- 
 plete programme, makeup, dress, several complete Negro farces — in fact 
 everything needed for a successful show ; all the latest jokes and funny 
 sayings of the past season. 
 
 Price, 2j cents 
 
 UP-TO-DATE MINSTREL JOKES 
 
 A collection of the latest and most popular Jokes, Talks, Stump 
 Speeches, Conundrums and Monologues for use in Minstrel Shows and 
 Vaudeville, many of which have never before appeared in print ; also a 
 special department of Female Minstrel Jokes, Stump Speeches, and Mono- 
 logues, arranged specially for " Lady Minstrels," this being the only col- 
 lection of the kind ever printed. Enlarged by the addition of several 
 Sketches and a list of the most popular Negro Sketches and Minstrel Songs, 
 Price, 2^ cents 
 
VAUDEVILLAINIES 
 
 A Collection of Sketches for Use in Vaudeville 
 By Harry L. Neivto)i 
 Comprising ten snappy twenty minute acts, many of which have been 
 used one or more seasons by professional talent, 
 Frice, 2j cents 
 
 CONTENTS 
 Chocolate Drops, 2 m. Then and Now, 1 m. 1 f. 
 
 The Customs' Inspector, 2 m. The Third Degree— and Last, \m.\L 
 
 From Soup to Nuts, 2 m. A Cali to Arms, 1 m. I f. 
 
 Just Before the Battle, 1 m. I f. Her Second Time on Barth, 1 m. 1 f. 
 
 Our Summer Boarder, 1 m. 1 f. Strenuous Mame, 1 m. I f. 
 
 FUN ON THE BINGVILLE BRANCH 
 
 An Entertainment in One Scene 
 By Jessie A. Kelley 
 Seventeen males, eighteen females. Scenery unimportant ; costumes, 
 modern and eccentric. Plays about an hour. A very easy and funny pre- 
 sentation of the humors of railway travel, full of laughs and chances for 
 local hits. In the class with " Scenes in the Union Depot," " The Village 
 Post-Oflice," etc. Strongly recommended. 
 Frice, 2^ cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Conductor. Frances Cross, sinall daughter 
 
 Brakeman. of Mrs Cross. 
 
 Newsboy. Alyse Parker ) .. ., .. 
 
 Mrs. yi\?,-YKVJS.-^,whogets onthe Maysie Richie y"'^^"'^^ gt^is- 
 
 wrong train. Silas Noser, who has a nose. 
 
 Mr. and Mrs. Alger, ami baby. Johnny Jackson, who asks ques- 
 Mr. andMrs.Levaggi I an lions. 
 
 Tony, Mary \tiV) V Italian Mrs. Marston, who is taking 
 
 Peter Levaggi j family. Johnny with her. 
 
 Mrs. Fussy, a rich woman, very Michael Murphy, ivho is polite. 
 
 fussy. Israel Levitsky, who caftnot 
 
 Robert, her nephew, anxious to speak English. 
 
 please. Mrs. Precise ) very priiii 
 
 Mame Jones ) , . , Mrs. Mannerly \ ladies. 
 
 Liz Smith )^ooivery gins. ^^^^ Smarty, who tries to be 
 
 Mrs. Mulligan, with her four funny. 
 
 children. Mr. Austin, who feels rather 
 
 Rube Hickey "I who are going cranky. 
 
 Sal SOFER I to the circus. 'Rastus Jones, a darkey taking 
 Edythe Ray ) high school his first ride. 
 
 Pauline Porter j girls. Saul Cohen, an elderly Jew. 
 
 Mrs. Cross. 
 
 Nei.her the Levaggi nor the Mulligan children have any speaking part. 
 Some characters may be omitted if desired and some can take two or more 
 parts, i^s nearly all the parts are short and easy. The children's parts 
 may b*; taken by adults dressed as children if desired. 
 
B* U}* Pincro's Plays 
 
 Price, 50 Recite Cacb 
 
 lUlin f^H ANNFI ^^*y ^^ Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
 ITIllz-vriAlilitlj Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
 Plays two and a half hours. 
 
 THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH i^^.tr^Ei^Tt 
 
 males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
 Plays a full evening. 
 
 THP PDHPI irATF Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
 inC riWrLilU/lLlJCi females, scenery, three interiors, rather 
 elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUC CPUr^AI MICTDCCC Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
 lilL OLnUl/LlVllOlK.E-00 seven females. Costumes, mod- 
 ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY Igt^^TaTel^^^v^e 
 
 females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 QWCiJT I AVFlSinFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
 DVYEi£tl LrrtVEilil/EiIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
 costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUr TUf TMnrODf^I T comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
 InL lnUlllll!.I\DUL.l nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
 ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUU TIM17Q Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
 IrlCt liluIjiS Scene. a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays 
 a full evening. 
 
 TUr \Ur A WD CI7Y Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
 inti W£./iI\.EiI\ 0£iA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ^^^^,;!^%J^. 
 
 Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Walttx ^. pafeer ^ Companj> 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 
 
 Hi 
 
 e ai6 103 569 5 
 
 of $laps 
 
 l&rite, t5 €entsf XEatf) 
 
 AS Yftll I IKF IT Comedy in Fiye Acts. Thirteen males, four 
 AJ IvU Lflbl< II females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
 ried. Plays a full evening. 
 
 riMII I p Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
 VA1U1L(L<L( tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Tlays a full evening. 
 
 INdOMAff ^^^y 1" Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
 IilUUul/U\ Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full eveni&g. 
 
 MART STUART Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
 1UAI\1 OlUAni males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
 period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE MERCHANT OF VENICE ^Sl^^^^^ SS 
 
 picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 RirHFf JFU Play in Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
 I\IVUL(MLiD ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a lull 
 evening. 
 
 THF RIVAI S Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
 lULi RilALiJ Scenery varied; costumes of the period. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ^Xs^Li^ ffiTaVt^^^lcen^/r^T- 
 
 ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOU WILL iX'/efmlS 
 
 three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 l^alter ^. 'Bafeer ^ Company 
 
 Ifo. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
 8. J. PARKHILL A CO.. PRINTERS, BOSTON, U.S A. 
 
■^ 
 
 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 
 
 Jliillllllllllilllillllllll 
 
 016 103 569 5 ^