NEWS FROM 
 NOTOWN 
 
 Eleanor 
 
 Ellis 
 Perkins 
 
Ctes_ ?S ^ S31 
 CoipghtF L3J^ 
 
 COEfl«GHT DEPOSm 
 
Class_ ? S "^ S 3 1 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOStn 
 
0tW from /l5otot»n 
 
NEWS FROM NOTOWN 
 
 By 
 
 ELEANOR ELLIS PERKINS 
 
 With Illustrations by 
 Lucy Fitch Perkins 
 
 BOSTON AND NEW YORK 
 
 Houghton Mijfflin Company 
 
 Crj)e RibereiUc ^xtm CambriUp 
 
 1919 
 

 
 COPYRIGHT, I9I9, BY ELEANOR ELLIS PERKINS 
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 
 
 /.7 6- 
 
 uCl lb i9l9 
 
 .A536176 
 
Contents 
 
 Introduction vii 
 Mrs. Jones Prophesies Rain . i 
 Fortius Bigg Bemoans His Famous Fatness 5 
 Mr. Capricorn Rings Morning Alarm too Early 9 
 Miss Maryllia Does Her Shopping Early 13 
 The Blands' Front Yard Invaded by Chickens 17 
 Albert Cowl Not a Close Observer 21 
 A Sensation in Notown 25 
 The Notown Beau Attempts to Stay to Dinner 29 
 Miss Amanda Simm Found Using Violent Lan- 
 guage 33 
 Marshall's Jerry Keeps a Private Cemetery 37 
 Notown Manners Unpopular in Boston 41 
 An Interview with Inventor Riggs 45 
 Captain Ben Hect Mutinies When Expected to 
 
 Praise the New Wheeler Baby 49 
 
 The Biggs Foolishly Attempt to Change the Mind 
 
 of a Setting Hen 53 
 
 Remarks of Organ-Grinder During Recent Visit to 
 
 Notown 57 
 
 [ V ] 
 
Jerome Marshall Shows Results of Careful Home 
 
 Training 6i 
 
 Miss Portia Pennybacker Described 65 
 
 Ben Hect Will Do Almost Anything Once 69 
 
 Opinions Concerning Bagpipes Differ 73 
 
 Miss Portia Pennybacker Rides Home Only 
 
 Partially 77 
 
 Ignorance of Care and Feeding of Children Due to 
 
 Single State 81 
 
 Well-Known Desperado Deprived of Anticipated 
 
 Punishment 85 
 
 The Wheelers' New Baby Commented on Un- 
 favorably 89 
 
 Street- Sweeper Reported a Rich Man 93 
 
 Mr. Chubb's Theories on Raising Babies Do Not 
 
 Stand Tests 97 
 
 Mrs. Montmorenci Issues a Warning loi 
 
 Miss Patience Runs Out of Feet 105 
 
3|nttoDuctton 
 
Sntrotiuction 
 
 NOSE for news has Jiffy Wells. 
 What his nose knows he always tells. 
 The streets he scurries up and down 
 To smell the news of old Notown. 
 
 An eye for news has Jiffy too, 
 To tell the old news from the new. 
 He keeps it cocked and jots right down 
 The sights he sees in old Notown. 
 
 To jot down notes he keeps a pen 
 Which serves for sketching now and then. 
 What's in his notebook you will learn 
 If you will but these pages turn. 
 
 [ ™ ] 
 
^etDS trom J^ototon 
 
 fnits. 31ones! i&ropi^cjste^ main 
 
i^rs. 3(ottes ^ropljesies Bain 
 
 UR neighbor Mrs. Padded Jones 
 
 Has very prophesying bones. 
 
 By feeHng them she always knows 
 
 The proper time to hang out clothes. 
 
 To-day her feeling 's very strong 
 
 That something right is going wrong. 
 
 Either the mayor is n't well, 
 
 Or else 't will rain ! She cannot tell. 
 
 [^ 
 
LlKy f^lCh f^y^lWS 
 
pottim ^igs ^emoanjEi ^i^ famous fatnm 
 
fortius idtgs ilemoans His Jfamous 
 Jpatnes0 
 
 UITE near the outskirts of the town 
 You '11 find a famous spot. 
 The house of Fortius Bigg is there 
 Together with the lot. 
 
 He is the fat boy of the town, 
 His weight we state with pride. 
 All other fat boys look quite thin 
 Our Fortius Bigg beside. 
 
 He has a double double chin, 
 Receding mouth and eyes, 
 And hid between his puffy cheeks 
 His little noselet lies. 
 
 But often his enormous bulk 
 
 Reduces him to tears, 
 
 And when he cries, streams from his eyes 
 
 Flow backward to his ears ! 
 
 [6] 
 
" It is so tiresome," he sobs, 
 " To have my chin repeat. 
 I wish I could before I die 
 Stand up and see my feet 1 " 
 
iMr* Capricorn 
 IStngjs jmornfng alarm €00 €arl^ 
 
^r. Capricorn I^tngfi! iWoming 
 alarm Coo €arl? 
 
 R. CICERO CAPRICORN 
 Gets up at sunrise every morn, 
 And then he crows so lustilye 
 That none can sleep more late than he. 
 
 His mistress loves him tenderly, 
 But on cold mornings even she 
 Thinks that the sun is much mistaken 
 Her Cicero so soon to waken. 
 
 The neighbors in the near-by houses 
 From slumber without fail he rouses. 
 They hear him crowing ringingly. 
 They 'd wring his neck more willingly 
 
 [10] 
 
^im ittat^lUa ©oejsi l^er ^l^opptng €avlv 
 
^is!S iWarplIta Boes Her ^Jjopping 
 €arl? 
 
 ARYLLIA has just passed this way, 
 She looks uncommon sweet to-day 
 In a made-over hat. 
 She trimmed it with a rose bouquet, 
 And added just to make it gay. 
 Some "this and that." 
 
 Her frock she made of odds and ends 
 
 To which a bit of ribbon lends 
 
 A deal of style. 
 
 For lack of jewels, say her friends, 
 
 Her pretty manners make amends, 
 
 And her bright smile. 
 
 Of cleverness she makes her clothes, 
 And uses patience as she sews 
 To make them fit. 
 All her painstaking neatness goes 
 To make her sweet as any rose. 
 No doubt of it. 
 
 [ 14] 
 
Oh, she 's really very lovely ! 
 
 You '11 say so at a glance, 
 
 With smiles in every corner 
 
 That her other charms enhance. 
 
 With a ruffle here, and a ribbon there, 
 
 And sunbeams dancing in her golden hair. 
 
 As her litde feet go tripping 
 
 Down the gray old street, 
 
 The bending elms bend lower 
 
 Her blue eyes to greet. 
 
Ci^e iBlanDjj' jffront parD SlntwDeD b^ Cl^tcfeen^ 
 
Clje MmW Jfront iarli Snbatjeti bp 
 C|)iffeens 
 
 RS. HORTON MONTMORENCI is deaf 
 in t' other ear, 
 
 And so she 's never bothered by the things 
 she does n't hear. 
 
 She has a deep aversion for her neighbor, 
 Mrs. Bland, 
 
 And any reference made to her she cannot 
 understand. 
 
 Once some one just remarked that Mrs. 
 Bland had almost died 
 
 When hens got in her dooryard, for fowls 
 she can't abide. 
 
 Now Mrs. Montmorenci thought this preju- 
 dice absurd, 
 
 And a curious coincidence immediately oc- 
 curred. 
 
 Stray hens appeared inside the fence at 
 least three times a day 
 
 To Mrs. Bland's best gardens wending fast 
 their way. 
 
 [ ■»] 
 
How it was they got there no one ever 
 
 seemed to know, 
 And yet those birds continued every day 
 
 to come and go. 
 But if we should protest in Mrs. Montmo- 
 
 renci's ear 
 ••How's that," would be the sharp reply, 
 
 "What say? I didn't hear." 
 
aibert €om Bot a ClOjSe €>l)}8et:ber 
 
albert CotDl ^ot a Close ©bserber 
 
 BSENT-MINDED Albert Cowl 
 
 Of promptness cannot boast. 
 
 One morning he came down so late, 
 
 Breakfast was over, most. 
 
 His angry father's glance was chill, 
 
 As was his tgg on toast. 
 
 " Papa," he said, " I'm most contrite, 
 
 And likewise sorry, too. 
 
 For being late to breakfast 
 
 Is not the thing to do. 
 
 The fact is I have spent my time 
 
 In looking for my shoe. 
 
 " I 've searched the barn and loft in which 
 
 Our tomcat had a fit. 
 
 Explored the well, and then ransacked 
 
 The proper place for it, 
 
 But still of my right shoe there is 
 
 A shocking deficit." 
 
 [22] 
 
The lad held forth for him to see 
 
 His left shoe lone and fair. 
 
 " My son," his father said, " your brains 
 
 With sawdust can't compare ! 
 
 If you will look on your right foot, 
 
 You '11 find your right shoe there." 
 
2 ^mmion in 0otoia>n 
 
a Sensation in ^ototon 
 
 ri< ^-(r> *» = 
 
 HE seven- two train went off early to-day 
 
 with the late Mr. Angus B. After, 
 Which gave the whole village a shock of 
 
 surprise as well as a spasm of 
 
 laughter. 
 The facts of the matter, some here and some 
 
 there, were told to us carefullee, 
 And as we understand it the way of it was 
 
 not at all as it seemed to be. 
 For every one knows that if there 's a train, 
 
 and business demands that he take it, 
 That Angus is late, and by this and by that, 
 
 he simply can't manage to make it. 
 He 's late to appointments, he 's late to his 
 
 dinner, he 's late to church meetings 
 
 and what not. 
 He 's late to all functions, was late to his 
 
 wedding, will be to his funeral I 
 
 doubt not. 
 He 's late to his train and although all the 
 
 crew know perfectly well that he 's 
 
 hurrying 
 
 [16] 
 
They simply won't wait, so he 's always too 
 
 late, in spite of his unseemly scurry- 
 ing. 
 This morning he got there in plenty of 
 
 time with no sign of haste or of 
 
 worry, 
 And the shock put the crew in a regular 
 
 stew, and the passengers all in a 
 
 flurry. 
 '* For the very first time," they cried out in 
 
 surprise, "you 're on time to your 
 
 train by the Powers." 
 "Not at all, my good friends," he repHed 
 
 with a smile, ** I am late by just 
 
 twenty-four hours," 
 
Cl^e il5ototx)n iBeau attempts to ^ta^ to ©inner 
 
Cije Jtototon ileau attempts to ^ta^ 
 to Btnner 
 
 HIS tendency in Mr. Wait 
 
 Is daily growing stronger. 
 
 He stays and stays and stays and stays, 
 
 And then he Hngers longer ! 
 
 He calls upon his lady fair, 
 And tells her almost nightly, 
 " You realize I '11 stay to dine 
 If I am urged politely." 
 
 Last night his lady fair replied 
 In words both terse and few, 
 ** I 'd love to urge you, but I fear 
 You 'd stay to breakfast too 1 " 
 
 [30] 
 
mi^^ aimanDa ^(mm fourth Bm^ Wiolmt languaee 
 
0ii9iS ^mantia ^imm JFounli ^stng 
 l^tolent Sanguafie 
 
 ROFANITY is not a whim 
 Which well-bred Miss Amanda Simm 
 Allows herself, and yet to-day 
 A friend who chanced to pass her way 
 Heard Miss Amanda state her mind 
 In terms, which were in one refined, 
 To say the least a great surprise. 
 Her brief remark would scandalize 
 The most unpolished passerby 
 Were he in her vicinity. 
 
 Now we will state in words exact, 
 Though quite polite, the simple fact 
 Which gave Amanda such dismay 
 And led her language far astray. 
 This noon she had upon her arm 
 A box of eggs fresh from the farm. 
 Her neighbor's goat browsed peacefully 
 Tethered to a nearby tree. 
 
 [34] 
 
When Miss Amanda came in sight 
 His eye with plotted crime grew bright. 
 He dashed directly up the street 
 And wound his rope around her feet, 
 Dislocating thus her legs 
 And hurling her into the eggs. 
 It really spoiled her clothes and hair, 
 The eggs were quite beyond repair. 
 She rose and said in accents sad, 
 "Now really isn't that too bad." 
 
 Judge for yourself if there 's excuse 
 For using such profane abuse. 
 
f^atmiV^ aertr Mm a pvMtt Cemetery 
 
i^arsl)airs 3(errp Bleeps a ^ribate 
 Cemetery 
 
 KNOW a boy called Marshall's Jerry 
 Whose favorite pet is a cassowary. 
 But he has many pets beside 
 In which he takes an honest pride. 
 For instance penned in his back yard 
 You '11 find a spotted leopard, 
 And tethered to a nearby tree 
 Is a moth eaten chimpanzee. 
 Beneath the barn and safe from cats 
 Are various kinds of colored rats. 
 The barn, so says his crocodile, 
 Is more commodious than the Nile. 
 The basement Jerry thinks quite nice 
 For housing little homeless mice. 
 Dearer than all to Marshall's Jerry 
 Is his own back-yard cemetery. 
 
 A generous lad is Marshall's Jerry, 
 For with that back-yard cemetery 
 He shares his pets and takes great care 
 [38 ] 
 
That every one shall end up there. 
 Whene'er his pigs come down with fits, 
 Whene'er he drowns his old cat's kits, 
 Whene'er his black bears overeat, 
 Whene'er his chickens wet their feet, 
 Whene'er his zebras wring their necks. 
 Whene'er his moles develop specks. 
 In fact, whatever fortune brings 
 In funerals, deaths, or other things, 
 He never lets it cloud his joy, 
 For he 's a philosophic boy. 
 He merely says, does Marshall's Jerry, 
 " Here 's one more pet for the cemetery ! " 
 
iSototon f^annm 2Jnpopulat in ^ojston 
 
^ototott lEanners ^npoptilar in 
 
 HEY drilled Jerome Marshall for almost 
 
 ten days 
 In the higher technique and the intricate 
 
 ways 
 Of handling a knife and fork, 
 Of quirking his finger above a tea cup, 
 Of saying " No more thanks I 'm really filled 
 
 up 
 
 I" 
 
 In the elegant mode of New York. 
 
 They told him to chew forty times on his 
 
 meat, 
 That under his chair he must anchor his 
 
 feet, 
 That his elbows must rise to a slant. 
 Then they hid his spruce gum and his long 
 
 snickersnee 
 And took the poor child off to Boston to see 
 His very most shockable Aunt. 
 
 [42 ] 
 
When that worthy lady urged him to accept 
 Some pie in the art of which she was adept, 
 Thus answered the well bred Jerome. 
 " Please excuse me dear Aunt but I 'd rather 
 
 have cake, 
 Because I have often been forced to partake 
 Of pie just as nasty at home I " 
 
an %nmt>it\x> Wt\i 9Inbentor mtgaei 
 
an Snterbteto toitl) Jnbentor ll^iggs 
 
 LD Riggs makes most frequent mention 
 Of an engine, his latest invention. 
 When asked, '• Does it go?" 
 He replies, "Dear me, no! 
 That really is not my intention." 
 
 [46 ] 
 
-rl <^^ ^%H' ,^ ~-^ 
 
 Tti^p^t 
 
 -(^:.. 
 
Captain Ben J^ect Mv^tinit^ Wlfm d^xptcm to ^tai^t 
 
Captain Hen Hect Mutinits W\^m 
 C^jpectetJ to praise tije J^eto Wbttkv 
 
 S we were walking down the street 
 An army we did chance to meet 
 Waving flags, and otherwise 
 Armed to teeth and nose and eyes. 
 At intervals the line did pause 
 And opening wide its several jaws, 
 Emitted such an awful yell 
 That in our tracks we almost fell 
 And scarce recovered from the fright 
 Till eight o'clock the following night. 
 The army's yell which split our ears 
 Was this, " Hurrah, and three big cheers. 
 And tigers, for the sister what 
 General Jamjar Wheeler 's got! " 
 
 We later learned from trusted sources 
 That General Wheeler marched his forces 
 In the house and up the stair 
 And straight into the nursery where 
 [50] 
 
His day old sister lay all red 
 With wrinkled nose and hairless head. 
 The army gazed with deep respect. 
 Then up spoke fearless Captain Hect. 
 " I 'd send her back if I was you, 
 She looks so awful raw and new ! 
 Where 's her nose and where 's her chin ! 
 What silly clothes to dress her in ! " 
 
 An awesome lady in a dress 
 
 Entirely made of cleanliness 
 
 Picked Jamjar quickly off of Ben, 
 
 And hustled out his valiant men. 
 
 In Wheeler's yard immediately 
 
 Occurred an awful mutiny 
 
 At which the General did his duty 
 
 And proved with fists his sister's beauty. 
 
 Our last report just merely mentions 
 That Wheeler's men retired on pensions. 
 
€]^e 131MJ3 fooUmv attempt to Ci^ange ti^e j^inD 
 of a getting l^en 
 
%\ft Mm loolisblp attempt to 
 Cljange tfje i^inti of a getting Urn 
 
 HE Biggses had a setting hen. 
 
 She set and set ! 
 
 They put her in a latticed pen. 
 
 That did n't break her up, so then 
 
 They went and gave her duckings ten. 
 
 And still she set ! 
 
 They took away her drink and grain, 
 But there she set ! 
 
 They crammed in her with might and main 
 Red pepper pills to cause her pain ; 
 More than a chicken should contain. 
 And there she set ! 
 
 Then at the Doctor's stern request, 
 While still she set, 
 They went away and took a rest. 
 Returned and found her still obsessed 
 With one idea, all she possessed. 
 And setting yet ! 
 [54] 
 
Mtmatb^ of flDrgan-c^tintiet J^rtng iSetent i^tjertt 
 to jSototmr 
 
IRemarfes at #rgan*(S^rmtier Buring 
 decent l^istt to ^ototon 
 
 Y feet are sludging through the puddles in 
 
 the road, 
 There 's a box of jolly tunes upon my back, 
 Coquette, my ugly monkey, rides aloft the 
 
 load. 
 The darling knows there 're riches in my 
 
 pack, 
 
 " Don't you know, my ugly beauty, 
 That it's worth a pirate's booty? 
 That it bursts with golden treasure ? 
 That it 's brimming full of pleasure ? 
 
 *' The rain is bouncing on my hat and off the 
 
 brim. 
 It falls while I peer through it like a veil. 
 My shoes slosh as I walk, the sky is gray 
 
 and grim, 
 But all the while my heart the sun can hail 1 
 
 [ 58 ] 
 
fplii^ 
 
For my box is full of dancing, 
 Laughing looks and smiles entrancing, 
 Full of crowded pavements ringing 
 With pattering feet and singing ! " 
 
 So sang the organ-grinder in the rain, 
 While tunes came tumbling out and in again, 
 And rosy fingers on the window pane 
 Tapped out the dancy time of his refrain. 
 
aerome iEarieii^aU ^})om Mtmit^ of Careful J^ome 
 Crainins 
 
3(erome ^arsljall ^ijotos Results 
 ot Careful Home Crammjg; 
 
 EROME, child, you are such a comfort to 
 
 me!" 
 Said old Mrs. Horton D. Montmorenci, 
 To the Marshalls' well brought up and 
 
 cleaned up young son, 
 Who had dropped in that afternoon just for 
 
 the fun 
 Of making a call and of eating some cakes 
 Of the sort Montmorenci 's Maryllia makes. 
 '• If I make a remark which some neighbor 
 
 derides 
 Your merriment just about splits your young 
 
 sides. 
 If I crack a poor pun or repeat nonsense 
 
 rhymes. 
 Or remodel a joke so 'twill suit modern 
 
 times, 
 You laugh at it loudly and lengthily too. 
 For your kindness, my dear, I am grateful 
 
 to you." 
 
 [62] 
 
"It's no trouble at all," replied tactful Je- 
 rome. 
 
 " I 've been so accustomed to poor jokes at 
 home ! " 
 
^i^^ pottia pmmbacUtv mmibth 
 
J^tss ^ortta ^ennpbacfeer BescrtliftJ 
 
 ID you ever want to trample through an 
 
 untracked patch of snow ? 
 Did you ever want to roll in fields of hay 
 
 just ripe to mow ? 
 Did you ever mark a frosted cake with 
 
 thumb prints in a row ? 
 Did you ever? 
 Yes, and what is more, you did it. 
 
 Did you ever see Miss Portia's back pro- 
 gressing up the street, 
 
 With Miss Portia far in front of it, a train 
 behind her feet ? 
 
 While you contemplated landing there a 
 snowball hard and neat ? 
 
 Did you ever ? 
 
 Yes, and what is more, you didn't! 
 
 [66] 
 
OBen l$ttt mil ®o aimojSt anrti^ing €)nce 
 
Hen Hect Will Bo Almost anptbing 
 #me 
 
 NCE Ben Hect got a notion 
 
 To wash from top to toes. 
 
 He scrubbed till he was shiny, 
 
 And donned some all clean clothes. 
 
 A haircut from the barber 
 
 He got with a shampoo, 
 
 Then walked the streets of Notown 
 
 To show what he could do. 
 
 But that never never happened more than 
 once. 
 
 Again he got a notion 
 
 'T would be a mad display 
 
 To have one's hands both cleanly. 
 
 He 'd wash but one a day ! 
 
 But when he went to dinner 
 
 Things did n't go quite well. 
 
 Papa disliked the contrast. 
 
 Ben washed them both — pell mell ! 
 
 Ben also never tried that more than once. 
 
 [70] 
 
€>p(n(onj2J Concemtng 'Bagptpeis matt 
 
©pinions Concerning bagpipes Bitter 
 
 T rattles and it wheezes, 
 It coughs and sometimes sneezes 
 Before the tunes are even under way. 
 Then gasping turns to squeaking, 
 To crying and to creaking ! 
 But Sandy loves to hear the bagpipes play. 
 
 To-day he donned his bonnet 
 
 And plaid with red stripes on it, 
 
 And strutted through the streets and piped 
 
 a lay. 
 The children jigged close after, 
 With jokes and jolly laughter, 
 They'd listen to him squeak the livelong day ! 
 
 Old folks who walk sedately 
 
 Through Notown streets so stately 
 
 Were seen to frown and shudder and to 
 
 say, 
 "We simply can't go walking 
 To such unseemly squawking. 
 To keep the piper still we 'd gladly pay! " 
 
 [74] 
 
jHi0j5 j^ottta pmnvhatktt Mim l^me flDnl^ 
 j^artiallt ♦ ♦ ♦ 
 
Home 0n\p i^arttallp 
 
 OTOWN has a one-horse cab, 
 Which ambles through the street, 
 Hitched to what is called a horse 
 Because it has four feet. 
 
 The cab has lamps which do not light, 
 And doors that will stick shut. 
 There 're forty squeaks for every joint 
 Than which there 's nothing but ! 
 
 Miss Portia P. came' back to town 
 Upon the local train. 
 Found no one at the station but 
 The Notown cab and rain. 
 
 Being no judge of cabs, she thought 
 She could get home at least 
 By using that historic hack 
 And antiquated beast. 
 
 [78] 
 
She climbed right in, she banged the door, 
 The horse was roused to motion, 
 But where she 'd left her pocket-book 
 She had n't any notion. 
 
 She rose in frantic haste to search 
 Her reticule and muff, 
 When crash ! the floor gave under her. 
 It was such rotten stuff! 
 
 With few delays she made a swift 
 Descent into the road, 
 And there she stuck and had to hop 
 Clear to her own abode. 
 
 And many were surprised to see 
 That cab go down the street 
 Upon its own four shaky wheels, 
 Plus two well-slippered feet I 
 
3l8nomnce of Cate anD f eetitng of Ci^ttDten €)ue to 
 jingle ^tate 
 
Sgttorance of Care antf Jfeetfing ot 
 C|)tltiren Bue to Bin^lt ^tate 
 
 R. OTTO B. JOLLY is forty, 
 
 Mr. Otto B. Jolly is fat. 
 
 Still every New Year finds him single, 
 
 But then he thinks nothing of that ! 
 
 Mr. Jolly just jingles with money. 
 His pockets bulge out with good things. 
 When he walks he appears to be skipping. 
 Instead of plain talking, he sings. 
 
 Mr. Jolly has quite a small namesake, 
 And his name is Otto B. Sweete. 
 Of course he wt// bring the boy presents 
 Of things that he ought n't to eat. 
 
 On Tuesday he brought him a truffle 
 Garnished with lobster and tripe, 
 With a relish of sardines and herring, 
 And olives both stuffed and unripe. 
 
 [ 82 ] 
 
When the small Otto's mother protested, 
 He responded, "Don't mention it, pray! 
 I thought he would like a nice dinner, 
 Since the boy is a year old to-day." 
 
Wtlhf^no'con ©ejspemtio ^tvti\)th of anticipateD 
 
Wt\h%M\xin Besperatio Bepriljeti ot 
 antictpatetj ^unisijment 
 
 N Wednesday last at ten a.m. 
 Aloysius Barnes got mad. 
 Made up his mind to spend the day 
 In being very bad. 
 
 Revenge upon his harsh mamma 
 He vowed with screams and yells, 
 The while he scattered on the floor 
 A mess of peanut shells. 
 
 He banged the door, he kicked a tree, 
 He trespassed on the grass. 
 He bit his dog and then he pulled — 
 But stop, we '11 let that pass. 
 
 He called the cook fourteen bad names, 
 Sewed up her apron strings, 
 Provoked her till she called him "bad" 
 And several other things. 
 
 [86] 
 
He left the bathroom light to burn, 
 The water tap to run, 
 Then waded in the bathtub 
 Which he should not have done. 
 
 He spoiled his collar, splashed his suit. 
 And tore his new necktie. 
 He gave himself a bloody nose, 
 Likewise a black right eye. 
 
 He stamped right in the house to where 
 Mamma was serving tea 
 And turned his back upon her most 
 Partikler companee. 
 
 But of his looks and wicked ways 
 No notice did she take. 
 She merely said **Aloysius dear 
 Come here and have some cake 1 " 
 
Ci^e W^im' iBetx) 'Bab^ CommenteD on 2lnfetJombl^ 
 
Commenteti on ^nfaborablp 
 
 HEN little Betty Wheeler 
 
 Was taken in to see 
 
 A tiny crinkled baby 
 
 Which was declared to be 
 
 Her spandy new wee sister, 
 
 She walked on tip-toe tips, 
 
 With one hand in her nurse's 
 
 And fingers on her lips. 
 
 But when she saw near mother 
 
 That funny dark red head 
 
 She cried, " Mamma, who dared to put 
 
 That punkin in your bed ! " 
 
 [90] 
 
^treet'^^toeepet asepotteu a Mit\^ ^m 
 
^treet^^toeeper l^eporteti a 9^tci) |^an 
 
 CONSCIENTIOUS man 
 Is the street sweeper. 
 Deny it if you can 
 Of the street sweeper. 
 There is not a nook unswept, 
 Or a corner poorly kept, 
 For at cleaning he 's adept, 
 Is the street sweeper. 
 
 He is wealthy even rich 
 
 Is the street sweeper. 
 
 It 's the grimy dust in which 
 
 The old street sweeper 
 
 Finds pennies beyond measure, 
 
 And much lost or hidden treasure, 
 
 That add greatly to the pleasure 
 
 Of the street sweeper. 
 
 A collector in his way 
 Is the street sweeper. 
 And all the small boys say 
 That the street sweeper 
 [94] 
 
Has the finest lot of balls, 
 Pocket knives and Ingersolls, 
 So they all make frequent calls 
 On the street sweeper. 
 

Mt* Cf)ubt)*s Cijeories on lElatsmg 
 Mhits Bo gtot ^tanti Cests 
 
 UR ancient friend and dearest foe, 
 
 Which is R. Percy Chubb, you know, 
 
 Has lately settled down for life 
 
 And married himself to a wife. 
 
 Now he has a house and lot, 
 
 Likewise a family burial plot, 
 
 A rubber plant and overshoes. 
 
 Wears glasses when he reads the news, 
 
 Refuses toast because of noise. 
 
 Has theories about raising boys. 
 
 One evening of quite recent date, 
 It being cool and not too late. 
 We called in our capacity 
 Of news reporter, just to see 
 How Percy managed to enjoy 
 His wife, his supper and his boy. 
 
 We found him sitting ill at ease, 
 Afraid to move or even sneeze. 
 
 [98] 
 
"Sh-h-h," he said with worried frown, 
 
 "You '11 wake the baby. Please sit down.*' 
 
 We sat and noted with surprise 
 
 The loudness of his baby's cries. 
 
 " It 's been a very pleasant day," 
 
 He managed finally to say. 
 
 "Is that your royal heir?" we parried. 
 
 His face with care was deeply harried. 
 
 He softly moaned as he replied. 
 
 "At least the Prince of Wails," he sighed. 
 
pit^ PLontmovmti 3i^mt^ a Wamitm 
 
^rs. i^lontmoremi issues a l^arnms 
 
 RS. MONTMORENCI sat and sipped her 
 
 tea and cake, 
 While seven naughty Notown boys of cream 
 
 tarts did partake. 
 " My dears," she said, '* these tarts will give 
 
 you each a stomach ache ! 
 
 " Most awful pains come on," she said, " at 
 
 times you 'd least expect, 
 And lessons you would like to do they 
 
 force you to neglect. 
 Not even for arithmetic have they the least 
 
 respect. 
 
 " For coming when it *s time for school, 
 those pains have quite a knack. 
 
 On Sundays just in time for church you 
 might have an attack. 
 
 Whatever else I do without, cream tarts I 
 never lack! " 
 
 [ I02 ] 
 
Mrs. Montmorenci then sedately winked 
 her eye 
 
 At Jamjar, Bennie, and Jerome, who has- 
 tened to reply, 
 
 "To come and see you every week we all 
 are going to try." 
 
f^i^^ patitntt Wxw €)ut of feet 
 
Miss i^attence launs #ut at fttt 
 
 ESTERDAY when the rooster crowed 
 
 While yet 'twas early morn 
 
 Miss Patience woke and got right up 
 
 Her person to adorn 
 
 With some quite high and very new 
 
 Red shoes she 'd never worn. 
 
 Her skirt and dress were bad enough 
 
 To crawl into unaided. 
 
 Her garter complications were 
 
 Deliberately evaded, 
 
 And when it came to combing hair, 
 
 She let it go unbraided. 
 
 But shoes to one who never had 
 
 Put on her shoes before, 
 
 And was too small to dress herself. 
 
 Were something of a chore. 
 
 She struggled with them long and hard 
 
 And puzzled with them more. 
 
 [ 'OS] 
 
And when she ventured out to take 
 
 Her morning promenade, 
 
 The passersby stared very hard, 
 
 And said, ** How very odd, 
 
 That child should be so queerly dressed 
 
 And so absurdly shod ! " 
 
 " My dear young friend, you must have put 
 
 Your shoes on your wrong feet," 
 
 Was what she heard from every one 
 
 That she did chance to meet. 
 
 " What shall I do ? " Miss Patience sobbed, 
 
 " I have no other feet! " 
 
CAMBRIDGE . MASSACHUSETTS 
 U . S . A