'// . THE 'LONBON SFDGET OF "WIT. 4r The Negro £-F7»- Tagc 3%?. Truvtzd iur Walker Sc Edwards, Patei-iwsterHow. THE LONDON BUDGET OF WIT, OR A ^ijousaMr J^otafiU 3tests: MANY OF THEM NEVER BEFORE PRINTED, AND THE WHOLE ARRANGED ON AN ENTIRE NEW PLAN, Under the following Heads: Women, Royal, Noble, Clerical, Legal, Medical, Military, N AVAL, Theatrical, Wit in Low Life. Bach Centuary being so divided as to exhibit an equal number of in- stances of members of the several professions and ranks in life to which they relate, being, like Falstaff, -witty in themselves ; and the cause of wit in others. TO WHICH IS ADDED, BY WAY Of APPENDIX, QL Selection of 3|tmg* BY A FRIEND TO RATIONAL MIRTH. ' 'Rid 3 •• si sap^" .' * no )l J$ J& * " | LONDON: PRINTED FOB WALKER AND EDWABDS, PATERNOSTER ROW. 1817. Printed by J. F. Dove, St. John's Square, - £ *> PREFACE. Courteous Reader, A GOOD title page ought, methinks, like a bill of fare at a tavern, to contain such a list of the articles dished up by the literary cook for the entertainment of the public, as may enable his reader at once to determine, whether the book contains any thing likely to suit his taste and palate. In this respect, the editor of the following pages trusts that he has not been deficient ; and, like mine host of the Red Lion, at Brentford, or any other well-accustomed house upon the road, he begs leave to assure his friends and the public in general, that the feast which he has prepared for their mental gratifi- cation, consists of viands of the choicest flavour, served up in such variety and abundance as to A 2 IV PREFACE, suit every appetite, whatever may be its preten- sions to that exquisite gout, which can relish nothing but the finest strokes of wit ; — or, vora- cious as it may be in devouring the more sub- stantial provocatives to broad-grin mirth, and shouts and peals of merriment. Care, however, has been taken, that nothing should be intro- duced, which in proportion as it is savory to the taste, is destructive of the health ; or, to drop all tropes and figures (the syllabubs and whipt creams of the art of composition) nothing will be found in the following pages, which, whilst it promotes the mirth, can injure the mo- rals, or offend the proper delicacy of any of their readers, whatever may be their sex, their age. or the station in life which they occupy. It is therefore hoped, that the care with which it has thus been formed, combined with the ori- ginality of its arrangement, will give to the pre- sent collection a decided advantage over those that are now in existence. It is far from being the editor's wish to exalt his own production upon the ruin of others ; but he cannot avoid remarking, that out of the many selections of a similar kind, which have been consulted for the PREFACE. T purpose of forming that now presented to the public, there are comparatively few which pos- sess the merit of being witty without being either profane or grossly indecent; whilst he can truly say, that he has met with none that have any pretensions to be ample, without con- taining many jests twice, and even thrice re- peated. The latter inconvenience must indeed inevitably result from the entire want of arrange- ment that has pervaded nearly the whole of the selections of his predecessors ; though it is so completely obviated by the present plan, that its projector may confidently assert, that in the thousand bon-mots which compose this collec- tion, there is not a single repetition. This is no inconsiderable advantage, but it will perhaps be found to be a greater, that by this sort of classification now for the first time adopted, the reader may easily select such specimens of wit as may suit his own taste, humour, or pursuits, or as may be most adapted to the company in which he may be placed, or the topics of con- versation in which he may be engaged. To the members of the various professions, the editor scarcely need to make any apology tl PREFACE. for putting in so formidable an array the strokes ©f wit which have from time to time been aimed at their habits, failings, and most besetting sins as a body ; or the keen retorts — the biting jibes and jests, which have been individually addressed to their most distinguished members. He might, to be sure, modestly drop a sort of hint, en passant, that he himself is a member of one of the learned professions, (leaving it of course to the libera- lity of his readers to determine in what rank in that profession he may move, or fag and toil ;) and that too, one that has borne, at least, its full share of the brunt of public odium, and of unrelenting satire. He might also add, that several of the bon-mots in the present collection were furnished by professional friends, whose minds soared above the foolish and childish no- tion, that every joke upon a tythe pig, a brazen face, or a killing potion, was an insult offered to the church, to the bar, or to the college, which no member of the profession so dispa- raged, ought to hesitate a moment in resenting as an insult offered to himself. He prefers, how- ever, resting his claim to exemption from all such censure, on the perfect impartiality which PREFACE. Vli he has observed in furnishing fifty instances of wit in members of each of the professions and walks of life to which the chapters of his work are respectively confined, to counterbalance an equal number of the shafts of satire which wicked wags have levelled against them. It was the great excellence of Sir Hudibras's logic, that " For every why he had a wherefore/' And if a sort of parody upon this passage in the history of that renowned cavalier may be allowed, the editor of the London Budget of Wit would say in defence of his collection of pro- fessional witticisms, that if u For every praise there is a censure," the reverse of the proposition is equally true, " For every censure there's a praise.'* And thus lauding his own impartiality, as he flatters himself that his readers will laud his discrimination in forming the present collection, he takes his leave for the present, by reassuming the character of mine host of the inn, or his head waiter, and assuring them, with as many ▼lit PREFACE* bows and scrapes as are usual upon such occa- sions, that if the present entertainment should meet with their approbation, he hopes, at no very distant period, to meet them again with a similar repast of viands as choicely selected, and cooked and seasoned as entirely to their taste. And so he rests, Their's to command, THE EDITOR. London, February 15, 1817. THE LONDON BUBGET OF WIT, CHAP. L WOMEN. 1. "FRANCIS I. of France, was the first monarch *■" who introduced ladies at his court. He said, in a style of true gallantry — That a drawing-room without ladies was like the year without the spring ; or rather, like the spring without flowers. 2. At no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the society of women. " In youth/ 7 says Lord Bacon, was very communicative in her narrative ot* things said of Lady Caroline, Miss Languishes, &c. e^c. and con- cluded by remarking, " yet much of this may be scandal; for do }ou Know, my lord, thai since I was lately confined to my chamber bv illness, they have spread an infamous report of my being brought to bed of twins." — kl U my dearlady, do iiOt be uneasy, " replied the peer; " for my part, I have long made it a rule to believe but half that the town says." 245. As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord 82 NOBLE. Petre were once stepping out of a carriage, a great lamp, oil and all, fell from the centre of an iron arch before the house, missing Lord Petre by about half an inch. " Oh, my lord," said he, " I was near be- ing gone ! w — " Why yes," replies the earl, .coolly, " but there would certainly have been one comfort attending the accident, since you would infallibly have received extreme unction before you went." 246. A few days before his lordship died, they re- peated to him a quarrel which had taken place be- tween Miss Pelham and Mrs. Fitzroy, in regard to the reputation of Mr. Frere, late master of the Thatched House, in St. James's Street ; when words arising very high, Mrs. Fitzroy gave Miss Pelham a slap upon the cheek. " Aye," said his lordship, " I am not surprised at that — I always thought Mrs. Fitzroy was a striking beauty." The late Earl of Kellie. 247. The late Earl of Kellie, in the younger part of his life, was much addicted to dissipation. One day his mother took him severely to task for a de- bauch, and advised him to take example by a parti- cular gentleman, whose constant food was vegeta- bles, and his drink pure water. " Good heaven, madam," said his lordship, " do you wish me to imitate a man who eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish." The late Lord Viscount Melville. 248. A gentleman from Cumberland, not of the brightest parts, or most polished manners, thinking to recommend himself to Lord Melville by flattering his national prejudices, affirmed that he was a Bor- der Scot. " Gude faith, I dinna doubt it," quoth the shrewd Caledonian, " the pcoarsest art o* the claim's ay at the selvidge." NOBLE. 83 Lord Viscount Sidmouth. 249. It was remarked, that when the Princess of Wales entered the Op^ra House, an electie feeling pervaded the audience. Lord Sidmouth asked, " Was this for want of a proper conductor 1" Francis Bacon, Lord Verulam. 250. Lord Verulam being asked by James . what he thought of Mr. Caderes, a very tall man, who was sent on an occasional embassy to the King of France, answered — That some tall men were like lofty houses, where the uppermost rooms are commonly the most meanly furnished. Villieus, Duke of Buckingham. 251. Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles XFs. time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy hu- mour, " I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last; which is the most terrible thing in the world." — " Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, " there is another thing more terrible which you have reason to apprehend, and that is, that you will live a beggar, at the rate you go on." Philip, the first Duke of Wharton. 252. There was mors wit than manners in a saying of Colley Cibber, the poet laureat, to the extravagant Duke of Wharton. Colley, who sometimes visited his grace, was once in his coach with him, when it went very slowly through a slough, on the duke's manor of Winchendon, in Buckinghamshire. The poet, with his usual vivacity and assurance, said, " It is reported, my lord duke, that you run out of your estate ; but it is impossible for you to run out of this/ 7 Charles, the sixth Duke of Somerset. 253. The proud Duke of Somerset employed Sey- 84 NOBLE. niour the painter to make some portraits of bis run- ning horses. One day, at dinner, he drank to him with a sneer : " Cousin Seymour, your health." The painter replied, " I really do believe that I have the honour to be of your grace's family/' The duke, of- fended, rose from table, and sent his steward to pay Seymour, and dismiss him. Another painter of horses was sent for, who, finding himself unworthy to finish Seymour's, honestly told the duke so. On this the haughty peer condescended once more to summon his cousin. Seymour answered his mandate in these words: *' My lord, I shall now prove that / am of your grace's family, for I will not come. 79 The late Duke of Newcastle. 254. It is related of the late Duke of Newcastle, that he was so accustomed to promise, that no appli- cant whatever left his presence without an assurance of having what he solicited tor, though, at the same time, his grace scarcely knew what he had been ask- ed for. A neighbour of his, a major in the army, waited upon him, on his return from abroad. " My dear major," said his grace, running up to him, and embracing him, " I am heartily glad to see you ; I hope a'ii things go well with you." — u I can't say they do, my lord du^e," returned he; "1 have had the misfortune to lose my — " — " Say no more, my dear major," returned he quickly, and stopping his mouth with his hand, (conceiving it to be some appointment which he had lost) " say no more, I entreat you, I'll give you a better." — " Better, my lord," returns the major, " that cannot be !" — " How so, my dear friend? how so?" replies the duke. u Because," re- joins the major, " I have lost my leg." 255. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of the same nobleman, who, for many months, kept him in constant attendaii€e, until the poor man's pa- NOBLE. $T> tience being quite exhausted, he one morning called ispon his patron, and told him that he had at length got a place. I lie duke very cordially shook him by the hand, and congratulated him on his good fortune, telling him, that in a few days a good thing would have been in his gift : " But pray, sir/ 1 added he, " where is your place V — " In the Gloucester coach,'* replied he, fci I secured it last night." The late Duke of Norfolk. 25<5. Soon after the Duke of Norfolk had abjured the errors of popery, he visited his seat of Worksop Manor, in Nottinghamshire, and, as he walked in the garden, he asked some questions of one of the gardeners, who he found did not know him : " Your master/' said the duke, " I am told, has changed his religion; pray what do you think of it?" — - " Why/' said the gardener, " I know not what to think of it ; I hope, however, his grace will make a goodprotestant, for I have been told he made a very bad catholic ." 257. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addict- ed to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote, what new character he should go in. 4k Go sober!" said 1 oote. The late Marquis of Lansdowne. 258. Doctor Goldsmith happened one night, at the theatre at Covent Garden, to be in the same stage- box with the late Marquis of Lansdowne, when the doctor, who was a perfect stranger, was introduced to his lordship. The latter professed himself very happy in being honoured with the doctor's company, and invited him to supper, which was accepted. However, in the course of conversation at the thea- tre, his lordship observed — That the public paper had given him the title of Malagrida, but for what reason he cotld not discover. — u Nor 1 neither/' said i 86 NOBLE. the doctor, " for every body knows that Malagrida was an honest man." Thomas, the first Earl of Rutland. 259. Mr. Manners, who had been but lately created Earl of Rutland, said to Sir Thomas More, " You are so much elated with your preferments, that you verify the old proverb, Honores mutunt Mores/' a No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, " the pun will do much better in English : Honours change Manners'* Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. 260. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the Park, told his companions that he would have some fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great gravity, and taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, " Doctor, 1 am your's to my shoe-tie." The doctor seeing his drift, imme- diately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with, u My lord, I am your's to the ground." Ro- chester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, " Doctor, I am your's to the centre." Bar- row, with a very lowly obeisance, replied, " My lord, I am your's to the antipodes." His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, " Doctor, I am your's to the lowest pit of hell." — " There, my lord," said Barrow, sarcastically, u Heave you;" and walked off. William Bentinck, first Earl of Portland. 261. A Dutch nobleman (the Earl of Portland) who came over with our third William, being once haranguing a multitude in favour of his master, as- sured them that he was come for all their goods. " Yes," replied Sir Watkin Williams, " and for our chattels too." NOBLE. 87 Robert Harley, first Earl of Oxford. 262. The following anecdote is related of the fa- mous Robert, Earl of Oxford. " My lord/' said a profligate of those days, " you and I have been in all the jails of the kingdom." — " What do you mean by that, you rascal ?" exclaimed the earl. " Your lordship," said he, " has been in the Tower, and I have been in every other in the kingdom.*' The late Earl of Abercorn. 263. The late Earl of Abercorn was a very stiff, and not a very polite man. When the queen arrived from Germany, his lordship had the honour of receiv- ing her and her suite at his house, where they slept. Soon after, at a levee, his majesty thanked him for his attention to the queen, saying, he was afraid her visit had occasioned his lordship a good deal of trou- ble. He replied, " A good deal indeed" The late Earl of Peterborough. 264. The late Lord Peterborough having, in one of his perambulations through the streets of the me- tropolis, been grossly insulted by a carman, very deliberately stripped, and gave the fellow r such a drubbing, that he could scarcely move a limb. A man seeing the transaction, came up at the conclu- sion of the affray, and asked the man if he knew the person with whom he had been boxing was a lord ? " A lord !" says the fellow, " a lord ! — they may call him what they please, and he may be what he will, but I am sure, from the weight of that leaden fist of his, that his father must have been a drayman. 7 ' The late Earl of Kellie. x 265. One day Lord Kellie, whose frequent sacrir fices to Bacchus had produced a rubicundity of nose, that would have done honour to Bardolph himself, called on Mr. Foote at Fulham. " Oh, Kellie I" says I 2 88 NOBLE. Foote, " I am glad you are come ; my peaches are very backward ; be so kind as hold your nose over them tioo or three hours" 266. The late Sam Foote would say any thing of any body, or to any body. When he was once at Lord Keilie's table, a gentleman present complained that the beer was rather cold. u Get his lordship to dip his nose into the tankard/' said Foote, " and if he keeps it there half a minute, and the beer does not boil, it must be fire-proof \" 267. The same nobleman having spoken rather disrespectfully of a gentleman in the army, an irish- man present observed, " That if any man that lived, or ever had lived, or ever could live, hud said the same of him, he would havepiill'd him by the nose." — * f Yes" replied Foote, " I dare say you would; but in the present case that would not do, there are ways enough of revenging an insult, without running one's hand into the fire/* Philip Dormer, the fourth Earl of Chesterfield. 268. The late Lord Che^erfieJd happened to be at a rout in France, where Voltaire was one of the guests. Chesterfield seemed to be gazing about on the brilliant circle of ladies, when Voltaire thus ac- costed him: " My lord, I know yon are a judge, which are more beautiful, the English or French la- dies?" — " Upon my word," replied his lordship, with his usual presence of mind, u I am no connoisseur in paintings." Some time after this, Voltaire being in London, happened to be at a nobleman's rout with Lord Chesterfield. A lady m company, prodigiously painted, directed her whole discourse to Voltaire, and entirely engrossed his conversation. Chesterfield came up, and tapped him on his shoulder, saying. " Sh*, take care you are not captivated/'* — "My NOBLE. 89 lord," replied the French wit, " I scorn to be taken by an English bottom under French colours." The late Earl of Mansfield. 269. Foote being on a visit at this nobleman's house, his lordship, as soon as dinner was over, or- dered a bottle of cape on the table, when, after magnifying its good qualities and age, he sent it round the table in glasses that scarcely held a thim- ble full. " Fine wine, upon my life," says the wit, tasting and smacking his lips. " Is it not very cu- rious?" says his lordship. " Perfectly so, indeed/' says the other ; " I do not remember to have seen any thing so little of its age in my life before." The Earl of Cork. 270. The present Lord Cork and Orrery being under the correction of Iris schoolmaster, received the following reproachful accompaniment with the rod : — " One of your ancestors invented an Orrery, and another of them gave to the world a translation of Pliny; but you, I fear, will never invent any thing but mischiet, nor translate any thing but an idle boy into a foolish man : so that, instead of myrtle, you shall be honoured with birch/' The Earl of Liverpool. 271. The Earl of Liverpool forming a park about Cornbury, and thinking to inclose it with posts and rails, was one day calculating the expense : a gen- tleman who stood by, told him he did not go the cheapest way to Work. " How can I do it cheaper/' said my Lord Liverpool. " Why," replied the gen- tleman, " if your lordship will find posts, the country will find railing." Henry St. John, Viscount Bolingbroke. 272. Marivaux being in company with Lord Bo- lingbroke, who professed himself an infidel in reli? I 3 ©0 NOBLE. gion, but who gave as true many dubious historical facts, observed, " If you be an infidel, my lord, it is not for want of faith," The late Lord Viscount Sackville. 273. Lord George Germain (afterwards Lord Sackville) to his religious duties was not only re- gularly but respectfully attentive: on the Sunday morning he appeared in gala, as if he was dressed for a drawing-room ; he marched out his whole family in a grand cavalcade to his parish church, leaving only a centinel to watch the fires at home, and mount guard upon the spits. His deportment in the house of prayer was exemplary, and more in charac- ter of time past, than time present. He had a way of standing up in sermon time for the purpose of re- viewing the congregation, and awing the idlers into decorum, that might well remind the spectator of Sir Roger de Coverley at church : and, sometimes struck with passages in the discourse, which he wished to point out to the audience as rules of moral practice worthy to be noticed, he won id mark his approbation of them with such cheering nods and signals of as- sent to the preacher, as were often more than any muscles could withstand ; but when, to the total overthrow of all gravity, in his zeal to encourage a ver} r young declaimer in the pulpit, he cried out to the Rev. H. Eaton", in the middle of his sermon, *' Well done, Harry P it was irresistible ; suppres- sion was out of every one's power ; for what made it more intolerably comic was, the unmoved sincerity of his manner, and his surprise to find that any thing had passed that could provoke a laugh so much out of time and place. He had nursed up, with no small care and cost, in each of his parish elm relies, a corps of rustic psalm singers, to whose performances he paid the greatest attention, frequently rising up, and, with his eyes directed to the singing gallery, marking time, which was not always originally adhered to; NOBLE. 91 and once, when his ear, which was very correct, had been tortured by a tone most glaringly discordant, he set his mark upon the culprit, by calling' out to Jhim aloud, " Out of tune, Tom Baker V- 274. This nobleman was not more distinguished for his abilities than for his amiable disposition. Of this his domestics felt the comfort, living with him rather as humble friends, than menial servants. His lordship one day entering his house in Pall Mall, ob- served a large basket of vegetables standing in the hall, and inquired of the porter to whom they be- longed, and from whence they came? Old John im- mediately replied, " They are our's, my lord, from our country house." — " Very welt," rejoined the peer. At that instant a carriage stopped at the door, and Lord George, turning round, asked what coach it was ? u Our's,'' said honest John. " And are the children in it our's too V said his lordship, laughing. " Most certainly, my lord," replied John, with the utmost gravity, and immediately ran to lift them out. The late Lord Viscount Melville. 275. Lord Melville told a pleasant story, rather at his own expense, at a cabinet dinner, at the present lord chancellor's. Some time ago lie sent for Town- send, the Bow Street officer, who, from the line marked out by his lordship, then secretary of state, made a useful and singular discovery. Townsend, surprised at the sagacity of the right honourable gentleman, could not abstain from expressing his admiration, by assuring him, that, with u a very lit- tle instruction, he would, in a fortnight, make the best thief -taker in the kingdom. " 276. The late Lord Melville observing that ba- nishment from Scotland was a common punishment for offences in that country, one of the company 92 NOBLE. gravely asked, if he ever knew any such culprits executed for returning from transportation. William, the first Lord Craven. 277. Lord Craven, in King James the First's reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my lord's house ; but being in a very shabby condition, as poets sometimes are, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other did not fail to re- turn. My lord happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak for him, said, Re understood his lordship desired to see him. — " You, friend !" said my lord, " who are you V 9 — • u Ben Jonson," replied the other. " No, no," quoth his lordship, " you cannot be Ben Jonson who wrote the Silent Woman ; you look as if you could not say, bo to a goose." — " Bo !" cried Ben. " Very well," said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke than offended at the ^affront, " I am now convinced you are Ben Jonson." The late Lord Willoughby de Broke. 278. The late Lord Willoughby de Broke was a very singular character, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he tailed out in a very loud voice, " Where can my fellow be ?" — " Not in Europe," said Anthony Henley, who hap- pened to be near him ; " not in Europe." The late Lord Audley. 279. The late Mr. Philip Thicknesse, father of Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he imme- diately hired a cooler's stall, directly opposite his Jordship's house, and put up a board, on which was NOBLE. 9*3 inscribed, in large letters, " Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thick- nesse, father to Lord Audley. His lordship took the hint, and the board was removed. Lord Braco. 280. Lord Braco, one of the ancestors ofthe Earl of Fife, was noted for his economy. Walking one day down the avenue that led from his house, he saw a farthing lying at his feet, which he took up and carefully cleaned. A beggar passing at the same time, entreated his lordship would give him the far- thing, saying, it was not worth a nobleman's atten- tion. " Fin' a farthing to yourseP, puir body," re- plied his lordshipi^and carefully put the coin into his breeches pocket. The late Lord Thurlow. 281. Lord Thurlow was one day riding along with a farmer at Duiwich, of whom he used to take some notice, and consult about agricultural matters ; when the farmer ventured to ask, how politics were ? " Hang politics," said he, " I hate them," Soon after, his lordship asked the farmer, what he thought of a field of wheat they were passing. " Hang farm- ing/' said he, " 1 hate it." Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 282. As drunk as an owi, as drunk as a sow, as drunk as a beggar, as drunk as the devil, as drunk as a lord. These are the principal comparisons of drunkenness, and the explanation is as follows: — a man is as drunk as an owl, when he cannot see ; he is as drunk as a beggar, when he is very impudent-; he is as drunk as the devil, when he is inclined to mischief; and as drunk as a lord, when he is every thing that is bad. 283. An earl marshal being told by a king, that $4 NOBLE. some of the arrangements for his coronation had not been sufficiently attended to, humbly answered, *' May it please your majesty, I shall endeavour to correct these faults next time/' 284. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. " Ah ! doctor/' exclaimed the peer, "-what brings you here among these high-bred cattle ? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an assT y —" i My lord," replied the tutor, " I soon perceived you among these horses." 285. A proud, but ignorant peer, observing one day at a table, that a person, eminent for his know- ledge and abilities, was intent on choosing the deli- cacies before him, said, " What ! do philosophers love dainties?" — " Why not?" replied the scholar. " Do you think, my lord, that the good things of this world were made only for blockheads f 286. A baronet, who was a great amateur, and oven a practitioner, in boxing and wrestling, was proud of imparting his knowledge to such as con- sulted him in those sublime sciences. A nobleman in his vicinity, happening to call on him, they took a walk in the garden, when the baronet started his fa- vourite topic. The peer, full of politeness, said he should like to see a specimen of his skill. Without more invitation, Sir suddenly seized him from behind, and threw him over his head. His lordship, as soon as he could recover his feet, appeared all in a flame at the fall he had received. The gravity of the baronet was not to be altered. " My dear lord/' said he, ** this is a proof of my great friendship for you, I have never before shewn this master-stroke to any person living." 287. Some years ago a noble peer, well known at St. James's for his unremitting assiduities, meeting NOBLE. 95 with one of his old college companions, who had turned farmer, thus accosted him : " "Why don't you learn to please 2 You would then be no longer obliged to live by the labour of your hands/"' — u And why/' answered the farmer, " do you notlearn to work I You would then be no longer a slave." 288. A person wishing to solicit a favour from a noble lord, of a mind superior to most, began to ad- dress him in a strain of flattery. His lordship ob- served, that he little understood him if he thought flattery would gain his point. " My lord, 7 ' answered the petitioner, successfully, " you are the only per- son I ever met with proof against flattery/' 289. A nobleman invited a party to dine ; and the company assembled about seven o'clock, the hour appointed, and waited for him till they all began to discover symptoms of ennui and oscitancy. At last the noble host made his appearance, coolly looked at his watch, and ordered dinner ; and as coolly said, addressing himself to the half- famished circle, " I hope you don't think me late, I am just come from the Opera, where I only staid long enough to hear Catalani sing her first song. I had a great mind to encore the charming creature ; but it is disagreeable to make one's company wait, so I denied myself that pleasure on your account T 290. A certain well known Scottish earl, whose brother was Chancellor of Britain not quite a cen- tury ago, remarked one day, in conversation with Mr. D m of L o, that his mother had left a very large fortune to her children. " Is it possible/* said Mr. D, " I never heard that she had a large fortune to leave ?" — " Yes, sir,'* replied his lordship, gravely, " she left them a very large intellectual for- tune ! v — " True, my lord/' said Mr. D. " I now per- fectly .understand you a and she acted as every pro- 96 NOBLE. dent mother ought, — she left Iter whole fortune to Iter younger children" 291. At the end of the avenue on the road side leading to the Earl of B***n's house at K******l 9 there are two stone pillars on which is engraved the following distich : — " Placidam sub lihertate quietem." A countryman, who stood gazing on the inscrip- tion, was accosted by the noble proprietor, who asked Hodge if he understood the meaning of the lines. " O yes/' replied the waggish fellow, " I ken it well — it means, that travellers are far more wel- come to pass by, than to go up the avenue/' 292. Soon after one of Mr. Pitt's batch of peers, one of the persons newly ennobled happened to ob- serve, that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. — " That," said Mr. Sheridan, " is an error from winch even kings appear not to be exempt." 293. Mr. Pope being at dinner with a noble duke, had his own servant in livery waiting on him : the duke asked him, why he, that eat mostly at other people's tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in livery only to laugh at him 1" — " 'Tis true," answered the poet ; — " I keep but one to laugh at me, but your grace has the honour to keep a dozen." 294. A nobleman telling the husband of a lady remarkably beautiful, that he could never look at his wife without breaking the tenth commandment. " Your lordship," replied the gentleman, " is wel- come to break the tenth commandment as often as you please, provided you do not break the seventh." 295. Mr. Gilford one day shewed a copy of verses NOBLE. 97 lie bad just written, to a nobleman of rather dull comprehension. The nobleman, in reading them, said, " Here are things I don't understand." — " That's not my fault," said the satirist. 296. A certain nobleman, who had not the charac- ter of being very courageous, one day asked a miser what pleasure he experienced in hoarding up so many guineas and not making use of them ? "I find as many charms in them," replied the miser, " as you do in carrying a sword." 297. A great lord and a gentleman walking to* gether, there came a boy by leading a calf with both his hands. Says the lord to the gentleman, " You shall see me make the boy let go his calf." So say- ing, he came towards him, thinking that the boy would pull off his hat, but he took no notice of him. The lord seeing that, " Sirrah," says he, " do you not know me, that you use no reverence ?" — u Yes,"" says the boy ; 4< if your lordship will hold my calf, I will pull off my hat" 298. A certain earl having beaten Anthony Hen- ley, at Tunbridge, for some impertinence, the next day found Henley beating another person. The peer congratulated Henley on his acquisition of spi- Tit. " O, my lord !" replied Henley, " your lordship and I know who to beat." 299. Lord M n of the kingdom of Ireland, with no very large portion of either wit or wisdom, had a very exalted opinion of his own powers. Wheu once in a large company, and expatiating about him- self, he made the following pointed remark: — " When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing." 1 envy you your happiness, my lord, then," said Charles Townsend, " for you mu3t cer- tainly live the merriest life of airy man in Europe/' 93 CLERICAL. 300. A noble lord having given a grand gala, his tailor made one among the company, whom his lord- ship walked up to, and accosted in the following manner: -" My dear sir, I recollect your face, but cannot remember your name f to which address the tailor whispered in answer, " I made your breeches ;" his lordship, taking him by the hand, said aloud, " Major Bridges, I am very glad to see you/' CHAP. IV. CLERICAL. Tillotson, Archbishop of Canterbury. 301. Sir John Trevor, who for some misdemean- ors, had been expelled the house of commons, one day meeting with Archbishop Tillotson, cried out, " I hate to see an atheist in the shape of a church- man.' 7 — " And I," replied the good bishop, 4i hate to see a knave in any shape." King, Archbishop of Dublin. 302. Dr. King, who had been many years arch- bishop of Dublin, and had been long celebrated for his wit and learning, when Dr. Lindsey, the primate of Ireland, died, claimed the primacy, as a prefer- ment to which he had a right from his station in the see of Dublin, and his acknowledged character in the church. Neither of these pretensions w r as admitted. He was looked upon as too far advanced in years to be removed. The reason alleged was as mortifying as the refusal : but the archbishop had no opportunity of shewing his resentment, except to the new pri- mate, Dr. Boulter ; whom he received in his own, house, and in his dining-parlour, without rising from CLERICAL. * 99 his chair ; saying, by way of apology, with his accus- tomed sarcastic sneer on his countenance, " My lord, 1 am certain you will forgive me, because your grace knows / am too old to rise. 1 ' Grossette, Bishop of Lincoln. 303. Grossqtte, Bishop of Lincoln, had a brother, a farmer, who was very ambitious, and asked him to take him from his humble occupation and promote him to some high office. " Brother/' said the bishop, " if your plough is broken, I will pay for mending it; if one of} our oxen should die, I will give you money to buy another ; but a farmer I found you, and a farmer 1 will leave you/' Bonner, Bishop of London. 304. When Henry VIIT. proposed to send Bishop J3onner to France, in a diplomatic capacity, the king told him that he must speak to the Gallic monarch in a very lofty tone, at the same time telling him what he should say. " Pltase your majesty," quoth the bishop, " if 1 should hold such haughty language, the French king, in all probability, would order my head to be chopped off." — u If he dared to do such a thing/' cried Harry, " I would chop off the heads of ten thousand Frenchmen for it." — *' True,'' said the prelate ; u but perhaps not any one of these heads would fit my shoulders." Jeremy Taylor, Bjshop of Down. 305. When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, from the report of his excellent talents in preaching (though he was then very young,) desired to see him, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. " If your grace," replied Tay- lor, " will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I Ike, to. mend it." LvofC- K 3 100 CLEKICAL. Burnet, Bishop of Salisbury. 306. Bishop Burnet, every body has heard of, but few are aequainted with his real character; his ene- mies have made him a worse man than lie was ; his friends perhaps a better. Be this as it will, in his charges to the clergy, he shewed a great deal of disinterested integrity, by vehemently exclaiming against pluralities, as a most sacrilegious robbery of the revenues of the church ; a remarkable effect of his zeal upon this subject may not be improper to be here related. In his first visitation at Salisbury, he urged the authority of St. Bernard, who being con- sulted by one of his followers whether he might not accept of two benefices, replied in the negative. " I intend," answered the priest, " to officiate in one of them by a deputy." — " Will your deputy be damn'd for you too V* cried the saint. u Believe me, you may serve your cure by proxy, but you must be damn'd in person." This expression so affected Mr. Kelsey, a pious and worthy clergyman there present, that he immediately resigned the rectory of Bemer- ton, in Berkshire, worth 2001. a-year, which he then held with one of equal value. This Christian act of self-denial was not, however, without its reward; for though their principles in church matters were very opposite, yet the bishop conceived such an es- teem for him, from this action, that he not only pre- vailed with the chapter to elect him a canon, but like- wise made him Archdeacon of Sarum, and gave him one of the best prebends in his church. Bull, Bishop of St. David's. 307. At the restoration of Charles II. Dr. Bull, afterwards bishop of St. David's, who had zealously supported the royal cause in the time of the rebellion, was presented by the king with the grant of his for- mer living, which the chancellor Hyde made some difficulty to confirm. The doctor found his pocket exhausted by this delay, but being a man of wit, and CLERICAL. 101 knowing the king's humour, he took occasion one day to tell him that he had just had his pocket picked, and that he had not a shilling' left. u Well/' said the king 1 , " and can't you tell the thief?" — " Why," replied Bull, U if I may speak the truth, I have caught your majesty's hand in it," and out he pulled the grant. u Cod's fish !" says the king, u are you not yet presented to your living?"—" No/' replied Bull, " nor ever shall with your chancellor's leave." On this the king gave him a grant of a better prefer- ment, which was then vacant, with a peremptory order to the chancellor to present him. When he waited on his lordship, the chancellor asked him his name, " Bull," answered he. " BullV said the chan- cellor, " where are year horns :" — " Please your hon- our," replied Bull, " the horns always go along with the hyde" Hough, Bishop of Worcester. 308. Doctor Hough, some time since Bishop of Worcester, who was as remarkable for the evenness of his temper as for many other good qualities, hav- ing a great deal of company at his house, a gentleman present desired his lordship to shew him a curious weather-glass which the bishop had lately purchased, and which cost him above thirty guineas. The ser- vant was accordingly desired to bring it in ; but, in de- livering it to the gentleman, he accidentally let it fall, and broke it to pieces. The company were all a lit- tle deranged at the accident, and the gentleman, whose curiosity had been in some measure the cause of the misfortune, began to make a thousand apolo- gies. " Be under no concern, my dear sir," said the bishop, smiling, " I think it is rather a lucky omen; we have hitherto had a dry season, and I hope we shall have some rain ; for I protest I do not remem- ber ever to have seen the glass so low.'* Louth, Bishop of London. 309. When the furor raged in the abusive contra- k 3 102 CLERICAL. versy, agitated between Doctors Kenicot and Louth, relative to the propriety of the Hebrew language, they accidentally met in company, and, with great asperity, attacked each other. " I am informed," says Kenicot, " credibly informed, that you have as- serted, positively asserted, that I am, with respect to Hebrew, very ignorant." — " I don't recollect," rejoin- ed Louth, fct that 1 ever asserted, positively asserted, that — but, sir, I always thought it" Rundle, Bishop of Derby. 310. Queen Caroline pressed Bishop Rundle to tell her of her faults. " If it so please your majes- ty," said he, " I will tell you of one. Persons come from ail parts of the kingdom to see your majesty when you attend Whitechapel chapel ; it is therefore to be lamented, that you talk so much to the king during divine service." — " Thank you, my lord hi- shop," said the queen ; " now tell me of another of my faults." — " That I will do," said he, " with great pleasure at some future time; but first correct that I have just mentioned." Dean Swift; 311. The Dean once preached a charity sermon at St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors ; which, coming to his know- ledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon of the like kind in the same [dace, he took special care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, "He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given will he pay him again." The Dean, after re- peating his text in a more than commonly emphati- cal tone, added, " Now, my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this loan ; if you like the security down with your dust." It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a very large contribution. CLERICAL. 103 312. Another story of this humorous divine is as follows: during the government of Berkely and Gal- way, who were jointly lords justices of Ireland, two livings, Larcor and Rathbeggan, were bestowed upon Mr. Swift; and as soon as he had taken posses- sion of them, he went to reside at Larcor. and gave public notice to his parishioners, that he would read prayers every Wednesday and Friday. Upon the subsequent Wednesday the bell was rung, and the rector attended in his desk, when, after having sat some time, and finding the congregation to consist only of himself and his clerk Roger, he began with great composure and gravity, bul with a turn pecu- liar to himself, " Dearly beloved Roger, the scrip- ture moveth you and me in sundry places," and then proceeded regularly through the whole service. 3 13. A tailor, grown tired of his shop-board, where he had long been hatching fanatical innovations, took a bold spring from his seat to the pulpit, and soon ac- quired great popularity verbcsis stroplris, by loquacious canting. Elated with the success of his harangues among the swinish multitude, he took it into his head to attempt the conversion of the dean of St. Patrick's to the true faith. Swift, who was very easy of access, one moruing while in his study, saw, through a glass- door which opened into the anti-chamber, his fbot^ man conducting the tailor, who had a great Bible under his arm, and who, on being admitted, thus an- nounced his purpose : 4v 1 am come," said he, " by order of the Lord, to open your e3es, to enlighten your darkness, and to teach you the proper applica- tion of talents which you have so long abused." — " Indeed, my good friend," replied the dean, who knew the tailor, '* I am inclined to believe that you are commissioned by Heaven, as you come so criti- cally to relieve the perplexed state of my mind at this very instant." The tailor already exulted in the eertainty of success, (i Yon are well acquainted, no 104 CLERICAL. doubt/' continued Swift, f with that passage in the tenth chapter of the Revelation of St. John, where. he describes a mighty angel coming down from hea- ven, with a rainbow on his head, a book open m his hand, and setting his right foot on the sea, and his left foot on the earth. I am quite at a loss how to calculate the extent of such a stride ; but I know it immediately lies in the line of your trade to tell me, how. many yards of cloth would make a pair of breeches for that angel V The tailor's confusion could only be equalled by the precipitancy of his retreat. Dr. Rennel, Dean of Winchester. 314. " How strange it is," said a lady, " that fa- shionable parties should be called routs ! Why rout formerly signified the defeat of an army, and when the soldiers were all put to flight or to the sword, they were said to be routed." — " This title has some propriety too," said Doctor Rennell, " for at these meetings whole families are frequently routed out of house and home" 315. Lord G , over the entrance of a beaur tiful grotto, had caused this inscription to be placed, " Let nothing enter here but what is good." Dr. Rennel, the Master of the Temple, who was walking over the grounds, asked, with much point, " Then where does his lordship enter V Dr. South. 316. Dr. South, when he resided at Caversham, in Oxfordshire, was, one very cold winter's morning, called out of his bed to marry a couple who were then waiting at church. He hurried on his habili- ments, and went shivering to the church ; but seeing only an old man of seventy, and a woman about the same age, he asked his clerk in a pet — Where the bride and bridegroom were? and what those old folks wanted ] The old man replied, that they' eame CLERICAL. 105 there to be married. He looked sternly at them, and exclaimed, " Married V 1 — " Yes, married" said die old man, hastily, u better marry than do worse/' — " Get yon gone, yon silly old tools,''' said the doc- tor ; " get home and do yoar worst ;" and then hob- bled out of the chnrch, abusing his clerk for disturb- ing him on so silly an occasion. 317. Dr. South, when he once preached before Charles II. (who was not very often in a church) ob- serving that the monarch and all his attendants began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, that some of them soon after snored, he broke off his sermon, and called out, u My Lord Lauder- dale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the king!'' 318. When doctors Sherlock and South had some controversy on a theological subject, the former ac- cused the latter of using wit in the debate. South drily replied — That if it had pleased God to make" him (Dr. Sherlock) a wit, he wished to know what he w^uld have done. 319. This witty preacher began one of his ser- mons to a grave congregation in these words : " The wages of sin is death. Poor wages, alas ! that a mail can't live by/' 320. On another day, preaching before Charles the Second, he quoted the following text : " And it came to pass that the devil entered into a herd of swine, which ran violently down a steep hill into the sea." On which he remarked, " It is no wonder they should -do so, for they must rieeds go, whom the devil drives" Dr. Basil Kennet. 221. The late Reverend Basil Kennet was once 106 CLERICAL. chaplain in a man of war ; and as his lot was to mess with his brother officers, he found they were so ad- dicted to the impious and nonsensical vice of swear- ing, that he thought it not becoming his character to continue any longer among them, unless he could prevail upon them to leave it off; but conceiving, at the same time, that any grave remonstrance would have but little effect, he bethought himself of a stra- tagem which might answer his purpose. One of the company having entertained the rest with a story agreeable enough in itself, but so interrupted and perplexed with damme ! blood and wounds ! and such like expletives, as made it extremely ridiculous, Mr. Kennet then began a story himself, which he made both entertaining and instructive, but inter- larded it with the words bottle, pot, and glass, at every sentence. The gentleman, who was the most given to the silly vice, fell a laughing at Mr. Kennet, with a great air of contempt. "Why," said he, " damme, doctor, as to jour story, it is well enough ; but what the devil have we to do with your d d bottle, pot, and glass V Mr, Kennet very calmly replied, " Sir, J find you can observe what is ridicu- lous in me, which you cannot discover in yourself; and, therefore, you ought not to be offended at my expletives in discourse any more than at your own." — " Oh, damme, parson," said the officer, ifc I smoke you ; you shall not hear me swear another oath whilst I am in your company." Dr. Young. 322. Dr. Young was once on a party of pleasure with a few ladies, going up by water to Vauxhall, and he amused them with a tune on the German flute. Behind him several officers were also in a boat, rowing for the same place, and soon came alongside the boat in which were the doctor and his party. The doctor, who was never conceited of his playing, put up his flute on their approach. One of CLERICAL. 107 tlie officers, instantly asked why lie ceased to play, or put up his flute? " For the same reason/' said he, rt that I took it out — to please myself/' The son of Mars very peremptorily rejoined — That if he did not instantly take out his flute, and continue his music, he would throw him into the Thames. The doctor, in order to allay the fears of the ladies, pocketed the insult, and continued to play all the way up the river. During the evening, however, he observed the officer by himself in one of the walks, and making up to him, said, with great coolness, "It was, sir, to avoid interrupting the harmony either of my company or your's, that I complied with your arrogant demand ; but that you may be satisfied courage may be found under a black coat as well as under a red one, I ex- pect that you will meet me to-morrow morning, without any second, the quarrel being entirely entre nous." The doctor further covenanted, that the affair should be decided by swords. To all these conditions the officer assented. The duellists met ; but the moment the officer took the ground, the doc- tor pulled out a horse-pistol. " What !" said the officer, " do you intend to assassinate me?" — " No," replied the doctor ; " but you shall instantly put up your sword and dance a minuet, otherwise you are a dead man/ 7 The officer began to bluster, but the doctor was resolute, and he was obliged to comply. " Now," said Young, " you forced me to play against my will, and I have made you dance against your's ; we are therefore again on a level ; and, whatever other satisfaction you may require, I am ready to give it." The officer, convinced of the im- propriety of his conduct, immediately begged his antagonist's pardon, and they afterwards lived on ?ery friendly terms. 323. Dr. Young Was once going down into the country, to visit his friend Archdeacon Potter, but, in crossing a field near the archdeacon's house, his 108 CLERICAL. horse nearly foundered, owing to the clayish- heavi- ness of the .soil. A little after his arrival, the doctor asked his friend r whose field that Mas: " 'Tis mine," said the other. " I thought so," answered the doe- tor; " 'tis Potters field to bury strangers in." Dr. Robert Henry. 324. The Reverend Doctors Henry and M'Knighf were colleagues in the old church of Edinburgh. One Sunday, when it was Dr. M'Knight's turn to preach, he had got himself very much wette-d by a heavy rain, and was standing before the session- room fire, drying his clothes, when Dr. Henry came in, who he requested would that day take his place, as he had escaped the shower. "No, sir," replied the doctor, " preach yourself; you will be dry enough in the pulpit" Dr. Parr. 325. Of a certain preacher, who, from early extra- vagance, had been what the sheriff's officers call a little shy, and, from a slight weakness m head, a little obscure, Dr. Pair wittily said, that " six days he was invisible, and on the seventh incomprehensible" 326. Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his expressions, when heated by argument of con- tradiction. He once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said, he would complain of this usage to the bishop. " Do." said the doctor, " and my lord bishop will confirm you." Archdeacon Paley. 327. Dr. Vernon, now Archbishop of York, a pre- late distinguished by the most pleasant affability c/ manners, had succeeded, in 1790, amidst a round of ecclesiastical promotions, to the see of Carlisle. Mr. Paley vacated. Dalston, on being collated, by CLERICAL. IGg his new diocesan, to the vicarage of Stanwix, in the more immediate neighbourhood of Carlisle. Being afterwards asked by a clerical friend, why he quitted Dalston, he answered with a frankness peculiar to him, for he knew no deceit : — " Why, sir, I had two or three reasons for taking Stanwix in exchange: first, it saved me double housekeeping, as Stanwix was within twenty minutes walk of my house in Car- lisle ; secondly, it was fifty pounds a year more in value ; and thirdly, I began to find my stock of ser- mons coming over again too fast." 328. A lady once observed to Dr. Paley, at a card- table, at Lincoln — That the only excuse for their playing was that it served to kill time. — " The best defence possible, niadam," replied he, " though time wIH in the end kill us." 329. The first time that Mr. Pitt went to Cam- bridge, after his election as member for the univer- sity, the sophs were naturally gaping for the good things in his gift. Dr. Paley, who preached before the young minister, chose this appropriate text : '• There is a lad here that hath two barley loaves and three small fishes; but what are these among so many/ 7 Rev. William Burkitt. 330. Mr. William Burkitt, author of a Practical Exposition of the £sew Testament, and other religi- ous books, was a facetious man. He was educated at Cambridge, and afterwards became minister of Dedham in Essex. Going one Sunday to church from the lecture house, he met an old Cambridge friend, who was coming to give him a call before ser- mon. After the accustomed salutations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he had intended him the favour of a visit, his parishioners would expect the favour of a sermon. The clergyman excused himself, by saying L 110 CLERICAL* he had no sermon with him ; bat, on looking at Bur- kitt's pocket, and perceiving a corner of his sermon- book, he drew it gently out, and put it in his own pocket. The gentleman then said with a smile, ** Well, 1 will agree to preach for you." He did so, and preached Burkitt's sermon. He, however, ap- peared to great disadvantage after his fraud, for he had a voice rough and untuneful, whereas Burkitt's was remarkably melodious. "Ah!" said Burkitt to him archly, alter sermon, as he was approaching him iri the vestry, u you was but hajf a rogue ; you stole my fiddle, but you could not steal my fiddlestick." Rev. Mr. Patten. 331. A grotesque instance of the sudden power of gratitude, is shewn in a modern Kentish anecdote perfectly well attested. A parson of Whitstable, named Patten, was well known in his own neigh- bourhood as a man of great oddity, great humour, and equally great extravagance. Once standing in need of a new wig, his old one defying all farther as- sistance of art, he went over to Canterbury, and applied to a barber, young in the business, to make him one. The tradesman, who was just going to dinner, begged the honour of his new customer's company at his meal, to which Patten most readily consented. After dinner a large bowl of punch was produced, and the happy guest, with equal readiness, joined in its demolition. When it was out, the bar- ber was proceeding to business, and began to handle his measure, when Mr. Patten desired him to desist, saying he should not make his wig. " Why not !" exclaimed the honest host, " have I done any thing to oflend you, sir ?" — " Not in the least," replied the guest, " I find you are a very honest, good-natured fellow ; so I will take somebody else in. Had you made it, you would never have been paid for it" 332. Bern?; one time at the house of a brother cier- CLERICAL. Ill gyrnan, who shewed him a very numerous collection of books,' in various languages, Patten asked him whether lie understood them all ? The answer being; in the affirmative, he rejoined, " Surely, surely, bro- ther, you mast have had your head broken with a feriek from the tower of BabeL" 333. When Dr. Wake was Archbishop of Canter- bury, some tale-bearer informed his grace, that Mr. Patten had given a marriage certificate, which he had signed by the title of Bishop of Whitstable. At the next visitation the archbishop sternly asked Mr. P. " Whether the report was trueT 7 To which Patten replied, " 1 shall answer your grace's question by another — Are you fool enough to take notice of it, if it be r 334. He was so much averse to the Athanasian creed, that he never would read it. Archbishop Seeker, having been informed of his recusancy sent the archdeaeon to ask him his reason. H I do not believe it," said the priest. " But your metropolitan does" replied the archdeacon. " It may be so," re- joined Mr. Patten, " and he can well afford it. He believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only at that of fifty " 335. The same prelate, during Patten's last illness, sent him ten guineas, by his archdeacon, to whom he made the following acknowledgment : — " Thank his grace most heartily, and tell him, Now I know he is a man of God, for I have seen his angelsJ" Lawrence Sterne. 336. The following incident, which occurred at an ^early period of Mr. Sterne's literary career, contri- buted much to establish his reputation for wit. There was a coffee-room in the principal inn at York, where gentlemen who frequented the house might read the L 2 112 CLERICAL. newspapers: one of the greatest enjoyments of Yo- riek's life was spending an inoffensive hour in a snug corner of this room. There was a troop of horse at that time quartered in the city, one of the officers of which, a gay young man, spoiled by the free educa- tion of the world, but not destitute of many good qualities, was remarkable for his freedom of con- versation and pointed reflections upon the clergy. The modest Yorick was, therefore, often constrained to hear toasts he could not approve, and conversa- tions shocking to the ear of delicacy, and was fre- quently obliged to move his seat, or pretend deafness. The captain resolving this conduct should no longer avail him, seated himself by Yorick, so as to prevent his retreat, and immediately began a profane indecent tale, at the expense of the clerical profession, with his eyes fixed steadfastly on Yorick, who pretended for some time not to notice his ill manners ; when that became impossible, he turned to the military in- truder, and gravely said, " Sir, I'll now tell you my story : — my father is an officer, and is so brave him- self, that he is fond of every thing else that is brave, * even his dog : you must know we have at this time one of the finest creatures in the world of this kind ; the most spirited, yet the besk-natured that can be ima- gined ; so lively that he charms every body : but he has a trick that throws a strong shade over all his good qualities/' — "Pray what may that be V interrogated the officer. "He never sees a clergyman but he in- stantly flies at him," answeredYorick. "How long has he had that trick?" — " Why, sir/' replied the divine, with a significant look, " ever since he was a puppy" Rev. John Carter. 4 337. Mr. John Carter, the incumbent of Bramford, in Suffolk, who had a great share of learning, and no less modesty to conceal it, dining among others of the clergy at an alderman's house in Ipswich, one of the company boasted of his own extraordinary genius CLERICAL. 113 and knowledge, and defied any one present to start a question in theology or philosophy, to which he could not give a ready and a satisfactory answer. All present were silent for a time ; and when Mr. Carter saw that no one else would accept this arro- gant challenge, he said, " My plate furnishes me with a question to pose you. Here is a fish that nas always lived in salt water ; pray tell me, why he should come out a fresh fish, and not a salt one V This short question put the impertinent babbler to silence, and he was exposed to the derision of all the company. Rev. Mr. Ogilvy. 338. Mr. Ogilvy, a Scottish clergyman, at Lunan, in Forfarshire, had a great deal of eccentricity. One Sunday, when he was in the middle of his sermon, an old woman, who kept an alehouse in the parish, fell asleep. Her neighbour jogged her, in order to wake her. The parson seeing this cried out, " I'll waken her, I warrant you. — Phew! — (whistling) — Janet! a bottle of ale and a dram V To which well- known salutation she instinctively replied, " Coming, sir." Rev. Mr. Suckling. 339. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, hav- ing a quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who in- sulted him, and at last told him, " Doctor, your gown is your protection ;" replied, " It may be mine, sir, but it shall not be your's ;" pulled it off, and threshed the aggressor. John Horne Tooke. 340. Horne Tooke when he was in orders, after the ceremony of marrying a Quaker, demanded five shillings as his due. " How dost thou prove from scripture," said the Quaker^ " that thou oughtest to have from me such a share of earthly mammon V — L 3 114 CLERICAL. " Why," replied the wit, u I take it for granted, that the person you have just been married to, is a woman of good character ; and Solomon, in his proverbs, observes, that " a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The Quaker paid the money. Daniel Burgess. 341. The celebrated Daniel Burgess dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. " Where shall I cut it?" asked Daniel. "Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess," answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home. 342. An hour-glass is still placed on some of the pulpits in country churches. Daniel Burgess, of whimsical memory, never preached without one, and lie frequently saw it out three times during one ser- mon. In a discourse which he once delivered at the conventicle in Russel-court, against drunkenness, some of his hearers began to yawn at the end of the second glass, but Daniel was not to be silenced by a yawn; he turned his time-keeper, and altering the tone of his voice, desired they would be patient a while longer, for he had much more to say upon the sin of drunkenness : " Therefore," added he, " my breth- ren, we will have another glass, and then—/ 7 George Whitfield. 343. The Rev. Mr. Whitfield once preaching in the tabernacle, in the middle of his sermon stopped short and said, " Perhaps, my friends, } r ou may think I ramble ; „ but if you tvill ramble to the devil I must ramble after you." Rowland Kill. 344. When Rowland Hill was erecting- his chapel in Blackfnars Road, many of his congregation re* CLERICAL. 115 sorted to a Baptist's meeting-house in that neighbour- hood ; this the divine did not like; and one day, when a number of his flock, who were passing to the house of ablution, stopped to look at the bricklayers employed in the building, some of the workmen, by asking them for money to drink, drove them away ; but as they were going, Rowland cried to the car- penters, " Come, lads, get on, s;et on ; if you trifle in this Way, all my chickens will be turned into ducks before my coop is ready to receive them/' 345. Once holding forth at the chapel in Wapping, to a crowded audience, Mr. Hill used the following phrase, — " You are all sinners ! great sinners, vile sin- ners, wicked sinners, Wapping sinners." The last phrase bearing a double meaning, some of the con- gregation considered it as particularly aimed at their own vicinity, and never suffered him to enter their pulpit again. 346. Rowland Hill, when at college, was remark- able for the vivacity of his manners, and humour of his observations. In a conversation on the powers of the letter H, in which it was contended that it was no letter, but a simple aspiration, or breathing, Row- land took the opposite side of the question, and in- sisted on its being, to all intents and purposes, a letter ; and concluded by observing, that, if it were not, it was a very serious affair to him, as it would occasion his being ill all the days of his life. 347. The same eccentric minister was one day preaching on the vices of the present age, and repro- bated the leniency that is shewn to vices of the great- est enormity ; " Why," said he, " they don't so much as call the devil by his right name, but stroke him down the back, and call him, poor mistaken angel. Thus they don't even give the devil his due" 110 CLERICAL, 348. This zealous preacher observed that one of his hearers frequently indulged himself in sleep, and as frequently admonished him against such a practice. His patience being exhausted with such untractable behaviour, he determined to apply a more effectual remedy. The next sermon he preached, he found his old friend enjoying his nap, as usual, and to cure him of his lethargic disposition, he hurled his Bible at the drone's head with great violence, exclaiming, at the same time, " If you will not hear the word of God, you shall feel it." Anonymous. 349. An ignorant rector had occasion to w r ait on a bishop, who was so incensed at his stupidity that he exclaimed, " What blockhead gave you a living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, " Your hrdship." 350. A clergyman, who was at once a lover of ar- gument and of pudding, being at a visitation, in which, during the time of dinner, the archdeacon was hold- ing forth on the transitory things of this life, enumerat- ing health, beauty, riehes,'power, &c. the parson listen- ed with great attention, and afterwards turned round to help himself to a slice of pudding, when he found it was all eaten: on which, turning to the archdeacon, he begged that in future he would not, in his ca- talogue of transitory things, forget to insert a pudding. Sherlock, Bishop of London. 351. Dr. Sherlock when preaching in the Temple church, concerning the customs of the primitive times, observed, among other things, that in those happy days all things were held in common but their wives. A gentleman in Qne of the pews pulled his next CLERICAL. 117 neighbour by the sleeve, and whispered in his ear, u Their daughters, then, were common/' Fox, Bishop of Winchester. 352. When Sir James Fox was Bishop of Winches- ter, he rang for the cook to bring dinner', and the fellow coming up without it ? he said he would be much obliged to him to let him have it as soon as possible : " I speak this/' added he, " as Bishop of Winchester ; but, as a man, let me tell you, if you come up without it again, I will break every bone in your body/' Fowler, Bishop of Gloucester. 353. Dr. Fowler, Bishop of Gloucester, and Mr. Justice Powell, had frequent altercations on the sub- ject of ghosts. The bishop was a zealous defender of their reality : the justice somewhat sceptical. The bishop one day met his friend, and the justice told him, that, since their last conference on the subject, he had an ocular demonstration, which convinced him of the existence of ghosts. " I rejoice at your conversion,'' replied the bishop, " give me the cir- cumstance that produced it, with all the particulars: ocular demonstration, you say 2" — '* Yes, my lord, as I lay last night in my bed, about the twelfth hour I was awaked by an uncommon noise, and heard some- thing coming up stairs." — "Go on." — " Alarmed at the noise, I drew my curtain 1" — " Proceed V- — "And saw a faint glimmering light enter my chamber." — u Of a blue colour, was it not .'" — " Of a pale blue I The light was followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, who appeared as an old man of seventy years of age, arrayed in a long light-coloured rug gown, bound round with a leather girdle; his beard thick and grisly, his hair scant and straight, his lace of a dark sable hue, on his head a large fur cap, and in his hand a long staff. Terror seized my whole frame ; I trembled till the bed almost shook, and cold drops 118 CLERICAL. hung on every limb : the figure, with a slow and so- lemn step, stalked nearer and nearer/' — " Did you not speak to it ? There was money bid, and murder committed, without doubt." — " My lord, I did speak to it. I adjured it, by all that was holy, to tell me whence and why it thus appeared?" — " And in heaven's name, what was the reply?" — " It was accompanied, my lord, by three strokes of his staff upon the floor — so loud, that they made the room ring; again ; when holding up his lantern, and then waving it close to my eyes, he told me he was the watchman; and came to give me notice that my street door was wide open, and that, unless I rose and shut it, I might chance to be robbed before morning." The judge had no sooner -concluded than the bishop disappeared. Eglrton, Bishop of Durham. 354. Dr. Egerton, the late Bishop of Durham, on coming to that see, employed a person of the name of Due, as his agent, to find out the true value of the estates held by lease under him ; and, in consequence of Due's report, greatly laised both the fines and rents of the tenants ; on which the following toast was frequently drunk in the bishopric : " May the Lord take the bishop, and the devil have his Due" Rev. Jeremiah White. 355. Mr. Jeremy White, one of Oliver CromwelFs domestic chaplains, a sprightly man, and one of the chief wits of the court, was so ambitious as to make his addresses to Oliver's youngest daughter, the Lady Frances. The young lady did not discourage him; but, in so religious a court, this gallantry could not be carried on without being taken notice of. The Protector was told of it, and was so much concerned at it, that he ordered the person who told him to keep a strict look out; promising, if he could give him any substantial proofs, he should be well reward- ed., and White severely punched. The spy followed CLERICAL. 119 his business so close, that in a little time he dogged Jerry White, as he was generally called, to the lady's chamber ; and ran immediately to the Protector, to acquaint hirn that they were together. Oliver, in a rage, hastened to the chamber, and, going in has- tily, found Jerry on his knees, either kissing the la- dy's hand, or having just kissed it. Cromwell, in a fury, asked what was the meaning of that posture before his daughter Frances ? White, with a great deal of presence of mind, said, " May it please your highness, I have a long time courted that young gen- tlewoman there, my lady's woman, and cannot pre- vail ; I was therefore humbly praying her ladyship to intercede for me/' The Protector, turning to t!» young women, cried, " What's the meaning of this, hussey ; why do you refuse the honour Mr. White would do you? he is my friend, and I expect you should treat him as such/' My lady's woman, who desired nothing more, with a very low curtesy, re- plied, " If Mr. White intends me that honour, I shall not be against him." — " Sayest thou so, my lass ** cried Cromwell; " call Goodwyn; this business shall be done presently, before I go out of the room." Mr, White was gone too far to go back ; his brother par- son came, and Jerry and my lady's woman were married in the presence of the Protector, who gave her live hundred pounds for her portion, which, with what she had saved before, made Mr. White easy in his circumstances ; except that he never loved his wife, nor she him, though they lived together near fifty years. Lawrence Sterne. 3o6. Mr. Sterne being in company with three or four clergymen, was relating a circumstance which happened to him at York. After preaching at the cathedral, an old woman, whom he observed sitting on the pulpit stairs, 'stopped him as he came down, and begged to know where she should have the ho-* 120 CLERICAL. nour of hearing him preach the next Sunday. Mr. Sterne having mentioned the place where he was to exhibit, found her situated in the same manner that day ; when she put the same question to him as be- fore. The following Sunday he was to preach four miles out of York, which he told her; and, to his great surprise, found her there too; and, that the same question was put to him as he descended from the pulpit. " On which," says he, " I took for my text these words, expecting to find my old woman as be- fore : ' I will grant the request of this poor widow ; lest by her often coming she weary me/ " — One of the company immediately replied, " Why, Sterne, you omitted the most applicable part of the passage, which is — Though I neither fear God, nor regard man." This unexpected retort silenced the wit for the whole evening. Huntington. 357. Some little time back, when the ladies wore higher ornaments on the head than at present, Hun- tington took occasion to preach on the ungodliness of that fashion, and delivered his text as follows : — In the twenty-fourth chapter of St. Matthew, and seven teenth verse, are these words — Top-knot come down. He then proceeded to prove that this was an interdiction of God against high head-dresses, or t op-knots. A clergyman, whom curiosity induced to be present, was completely puzzled by tins text, and, when he returned home, instantly examined the chapter and verse from whence it was taken, where he found it thus written : — Let him which is on the house-top not come down, to take any thing out of his house. What an admirable expounder of the gospel ! 358. The same illiterate sectarist was explaining to his congregation the great benefits arising from the sabbath, and, willing to shew his -learning, told theiii, CLEHICAt. 121 that among other excellencies of the-Christian insti- tution, was the proper choice of the day. " The Jews/' said he, "keep it on the seventh, but we keep it on the first ; and if it were on any other it would make a broken week" 359. lie was once dealing out damnation to his auditors, with great apparent comfort to himself, and edification to his hearers, in the following ele- gant and christ ian-like expressions : " You will all go to hell; God will never save your souls: per- haps you may think I will be your advocate ; but, no, I will tell of all your wicked behaviour/ 7 On which one of the ungodly observed to a bystander, (i The greatest rogues always turn king's evidence/' 380. This prelatical nonconformist was in the ha- bit of frequently dining with Mr. S — — ■, one of the principal members of his church, on which occasions he was accustomed to speak to the servants of his generous host, in a tone so domineering, as to in- duce them at last to complain to their master, of the arrogance of his visitor. Mr. S — having satisfied himself of the justice of their complaints, took an opportunity of remonstrating with his pastor, in the mildest terms, on the impropriety of his conduct. This he did as he was conducting the reverend gentleman to town in his own carriage (for the ci-devant coal-heaver had not then started one), after he had spent the preceding day with him at his country residence ; but though he most cautiously endeavoured to avoid giving him offence, by the manner of his communication, the matter of it was so unwelcome to the ears of his spiritual director, that the thread of his remonstrance was interrupted by an indignant exclamation of — " Pray, sir, do you know who you are, that you are taking these liberties with me? You are but the ass to cam' the Lord's prophet." — " Am I so, sir/' replied Mr, S — , pulling M 122 CLERICAL. the check-string of the carriage at the same time, * k then 1 am determined to shew you that I will be an -ass no longer — yon will therefore please to get out of this carriage, and find your way home how you can/' To remonstrate was in vain, and Huntington was oblig' d to get out of the chariot into the middle of the street ; which happened to be one of the dirtiest parts of the Borough ; the footman gladly lending him a helping hand in his descent. Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 381. When the Czar Peter was in France, they presented him with every thing that he admired, and one day let fall at his feet a medal with his own por- trait engraved on it, with this inscription, vires ac- quirit eundo. When he was shewn the statue of Cardinal Richelieu, he discovered one of those vio- lent transports which none but great souls are ca~ pable of feeling. He mounted the tomb, and, em- bracing the statue, " Great statesman V exclaimed he, " why wert not thou born in my time; I would have given thee one half of my empire to have taught me how to govern the other !" A gentleman present observed — That if he had given the cardinal one half of his kingdom, the churchmen would not have been long without the other. 362. An innkeeper at St. Andrew's, who kept the house where the eiergy dined, both before and after the Revolution, being asked what was the difference between the one and the other, answered, "There was not much : in the time of episcopacy, the dean used to call holdly for a bottle of wine ; afterwards the moderator whispered the maid to fetch a magnum bonnm." 363. In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of the* crew if he thought there was any danger. " O yes/' replied the sailor ; " if it blows as hard as it CLERICAL. 123 does now, we shall all be in heaven before twelve o'clock to-night.'* The chaplain, terrified at the ex- pression, cried out, " The Lord forbid!'* 364. A countryman, who had often called at a cer- iain bishop's, and was always told that his lordship was at his studies, and could not be disturbed, " I wish," replied he, at last, u the king would never make folks bishops, who have not finished their studies." 365. A buck parson going to read prayers at a village in the west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the surplice. " Confound the surplice," said he to the clerk, " I think the devil is in it." The clerk waited till the parson had got it on, and then answered, " I think as how he be, sir." 366. A clergyman being requested by some of his parishioners to pray for rain, said — He would do any thing to oblige them, but it would be of no service as long as the wind continued in the same quarter. However, having obeyed the wish of his people, he was told by the beadle, as he went out, that a heavy shower was coming on. " I hope not," said he, " for I have not brought my umbrella." 367. A poor labourer having been obliged to un- dergo the operation of having his leg cut off, was charged sixteen-pence by the sexton for burying it. The poor fellow applied to the rector for redress, who told him, he could not relieve him at that time; but that he should certainly consider it in his fees, when the rest of his body came to be buried." 368. A vicar and a curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not cq ming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, " I am the resarrection/' M 2 124 CLERICAL. when the vicar arrived, almost out of Weath, and, snatching the book out of the curate's hands, with great scorn, cried, ** You the resurrection ! / am the resurrection," and then went on. 369. A young clergyman of great modesty, preach- ing before Charles II. took for his text the 13th verse of the 139th Psalm — *' I am fearfully and wonder- fully made." Apprehension, rather than the warmth of the weather, having caused him to perspire, he had, just before naming the text, wiped his face with one of his hands, on which was a new black glove, and the consequence may easily be imagined. The Duke of Buckingham, one of the audience, on comparing the words of the text with the figure of the preacher, was seized with a fit of laughter, in which he was joined by Sir Henry Bennet and several of the courtiers, nor was the king, who loved a jest, to the great discomfiture of the preacher, able to re- sist the contagion. 370. A gentleman dining one day with a dull preacher, dinner was scarcely over before the gentle- man fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine, and invited to go and hear him preach. " I beseech you, sir," said he, " to excuse me ; I can sleep very well where I am." 371. A pot-girl, belonging to a village alehouse, thought proper one day to go to be catechised. Be- ing at the head of the pew, the curate began with her, "What is thy name?" — "Lord, sir," said she, "how can you ask that question, when every night you cry out a dozen times, Nan, you jade, bring us another pot." 372. A preacher had divided his sermon into thirty-two sections. One of his auditory rose imme- diately, who being asked where he was going? " To CLERICAL. \25 fetch my Right-cap," said he ; for I foresee we shall pass the night here." In effect, the preacher, having lost the thread of his subdivisions, could never reach the end of the sermon. The whole auditory losing patience, and seeing the night approach, tiled off, one after the other. The preacher, who was short- sighted, did not perceive this desertion, and continued to gesticulate in the pulpit, when a little singing boy, who remained alone, cried out to him, u Sir, here are the keys of the church, when you have done be so good as to lock the gate." 373. A writer on English grammar gives the fol- lowing example of false emphasis: — A clergyman, in reading the 18th chapter of 1st Kings, ver. 27, gene- rally placed the emphasis on the words denoted by italics : " And he spake to his sons, saying, Saddle me the ass. And they saddled him" 374. A few years ago the Isle of Sheppey being an inconsiderable parish, and the income not very large, their vicar came there but once a month. The pa- rishioners being much displeased with this, desired their clerk, who was that year churchwarden also, to remind him of his. duty, and to remonstrate with him on his negligence. The clerk told the vicar the sense of the parishioners; and the reply Mas, "Well, well, tell them, if they will give me ten pounds a yearmore, I Mill come to them once a fortnight ; and be sure, Jo- nathan, to let me know their answer the next time I come." The next time he did come, he accordingly asked, and Jonathan answered, " Sir, they say as how, if you will excuse them ten pounds a year in their tithes, they will dispense with your coming at all/' 375. A farmer, who had married a rich wife, after he had promised another of meaner circumstances, was severely reprimanded by the parish vicar, who M 3 126 CLERICAL. told him it was so very bad, that he knew nothing to equal it. "But I do," answered the farmer, " it is like your taking at first a poor Irving, which you threw up the moment a richer one fell in your way/' 376. Many years ago, while a clergyman on the coast of Cornwall was in the midst of his sermon, the alarm wns given- — "A wreck! a wreck!" The con- gregation, eager for their prey, were immediately making off, when the parson solemnly entreated them to hear only five words more. This arrested their attention, until 'the preacher, throwing off his canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, * Now let's all start fair." 377. A poor curate sent his servant to a chandler's shop kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs, for his Sunday's dinner, on credit. This being refused, the damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she might as well go to church ; and entered as her mas- ter, in the midst of his discourse, referring to the apostle, repeated, " What says Paul?" The good woman, supposing the question addressed to her, an- swered, " Paul says, sir, that he'll give you no more trust till you pay your old score." 378. A clergyman of Oxford, who was very nervous and absent, going to read prayers at St. Mary's, heard a showman in the High Street, who had an exhibition of wild beasts, repeat often, " Walk in without loss of time. All alive! alive, ho!" The sounds struck the absent man, and ran in his head so much, that when he began to read the service, and came to the words in the first verse, " and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul alive ;" he cried out, with a louder voice, " shall save his soul alive ! all alive, alive, ho!" to the aston- ishment of the congregation, CLERICAL. 127 879. Two reverend gentlemen were conversing together, when one complained to the other that he found it a great hardship to preach twice a week. " Well," said the other, tk I preach twice on a Sun- day, aud make nothing of it" y 380. It is customary for the clergy in most coun- ties to have annual visitations, in order to settle the affairs of the church. There belonged to a society of this sort, in Dorsetshire, a clergyman of good nature &nd good fortune ; one who was a good Christian, a good poet, and a good divine, capable of making ex- cellent sermons, though he preached them badly. At one of these meetings, after the gentlemen had dined, and the servants were set down together, this Clergyman's man, who was a stranger, asked another, " What so many parsons met together for?" — " Why, 1 ' answered he, " to swap sermons." — " Aye," quoth the farmer, " then my master is always most terribly cheated, for he never gets a good one." 381. A clergyman gave for his text the following words : " In my father's house are many mansions,'" which he many times repeated. An old man belong- ing to his congregation stood up and replied, " Many mansions in your father's house ! I knew r your fa- ther's house before you was born, and it consisted just of a but and a ben, (a kitchen and bedroom)." 382. A dignitary of York was once benighted and bogged upon Stockton-common ; and, being alone, he called aloud for help to some passengers who were coming from market. They immediately answered, " Who are you?" Upon which the doctor enumerated his preferments, saying, " The rector of Folkton, rec- tor of Hunmanby, and vicar of Muston." — u . Nay, marry," said one of them, " if you be so many of you, you may e'en help one another out'' 128 CLERICAL. 383. The following is a genuine anecdote of the late Matt. Horsley, the noted fox-hunter. — When servant to Mr. C — , a gentleman in the neigh- bourhood of Scarborough, Matt was in the habit of having to attend upon a certain parson, an occasional visitor at his master's, and who, rather more through penuriousness than poverty, generally paid his vails with, " Good night, Matthew." This, it is reason- able to suppose, did not settle well on Matt's stomach ; for at that time, no doubt, he could spend a little, more than;his wages, and of course had no objection to an easy-got shilling. Though it could never be §aid of Matt, that he harboured in his bosom the baser passions of revenge ; yet he liked with all his heart a smart retort for the sake of fun ; and it was not long before accident, or rather the parson's fruga- lity, gave him an opportunity of full gratification. It happened that the parson, by appointment, was to make a journey with Mr. C , and that he might be ready to start with his company, or rather perhaps to save his supper at home, he came over-night. The morning proved rainy, with strong indications of con- tinued wet, and the parson had unfortunately brought his better hat, which had cost him a serious sum, and which he well knew the rain would totally spoil. This circumstance gave him much alarm, and pro- bably would have disappointed him of the plea- sures of the day, had not his inventive powers, which were always wonderfully ready and happy in his own behalf, hinted the expedient of borrowing Matt's, and of leaving his own in safe coverture behind. The boon was as readily granted as asked ; and Mr. C and the parson commenced their journey, followed by Matt, dressed in the parson's new hat, disfigured by having the brim slouched about his ears. The object of the journey being accomplished, the travel- lers returned dropping wet, having rode through a heavy and continued rain. On the following morn- ing ; the parson, being about to return home^ inquired CLERICAL. 129 for his hat, which was produced quite drenched with' wet* and though partly frantic through the sudden impulse of anger, he still had presence of mind to call for Matt, and enquire the cause which involved this ruin, and received for answer, uttered with that ready composure which Matt never wanted :— u Wya, sur, you gat mane ; and you sartantly didn't think I was sike a feal as to follow you i't rain bare- bead/' 384. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lecture- ship in the city, had but a bad voice, though other- wise an excellent preacher ; a friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, " He would certainly carry the election, for he had no* body's voice against him but his own" 385. A reverend divine being accused of negli- gence in his calling, and styled " an unfaithful shep- herd/' from scarcely ever visiting his flock, defended himself by saying, he was always with them at the " shearing time t ,} 386. A clergyman in the north, who had a large family, and but a very small living, exercised himself very much in fishing. It happened once that the archdeacon, going on his visitation, passed by the spot where the parson was at his favourite sport ; and seeing him dressed in black, asked if he was the clergyman of the parish? 4< Yes, sir/ 7 answered the vicar. — " Well," quoth Mr. Archdeacon, " and have you many souls here ?" — "No/' says the vicar, who was intent upon his fishing ; u we have no soles here ; but we have flounders, gudgeons, and chubs." 387. A reverend clergyman, well known for his critical talents, and not more distinguished for his extensive learning than for his propensity to those 130 CLERICAL. amusements which characterized parson Adams, ^ related the following anecdote of himself to a se- lect circle of friends. The conversation happened to turn upon the folly of some men's wives; upon which, said the doctor, " I will give you an instance of the folly of mine, and, I am persuader!, you must acknowledge it exceeds every thing you ever heard of." He thus proceeded : — " You must know, that some time ago the bishop of was contemp- lating a translation of the Four Gospels; and it oc- curred to his lordship, that he probably might derive some advantage by consulting me upon the subject. I need not tell you how much I am attached to my pipe, nor what irresistible charms I find in a game at skittles. Now I happened to be -enjoying both my favourite amusements at the Wheat-sheaf, when his lordship ordered his carriage, and repairing to my house, enquired whether I was at home ? My wife, instead of denying me, as a sensible woman ought to have dorte, said 1 was at the Wheat-sheaf. The bi- shop naturally thought the Wheat-sheaf might be some corn-chandler's, where I was disposing of my tithe corn, or the produce of my glebe land. He said to his coachman, ' John, do you know where tjid Wheat-sheaf is?* — c O yes, my lord,' replied John. •— ' Well, drive there/ John obeyed, and in a few minutes the carriage stopped at the ale-house, where I was in the height of rny glory. The bishop stared at the appearance of the place, as well he might. However, he alighted, and asked the landlord whether doctor — was there ? — * Always at this hour/ returned Boniface, i you'll find him in tike skittle-ground/ — c The skittle-ground !' muttered his lordship, as he advanced, ' what can he be doing there?' He soon discovered me in the midst of the profanum vulgus, who were attending minutely to the circumstances of the game. I was the hero of the contest, and was unluckily, at that precise moment, m the very act of endeavouring to tip all nine. I CLERICAL. 131- was stooping down, with my pipe in my mouth, the skirts of my coat tucked under my left arm, and a bowl in my right hand ; my wig a little awry. 1 was aiming at the middle pin, and exclaimed — ' Well here goes at the head of the church V Before the bowl had well quitted my grasp, the bishop tapped me on the shoulder, saying, ' What, doctor, is it you!' I looked round, and became petrified, as if I had seen the Gorgon's head. I could not speak for some time, but at last I stammered out, ' Yes, my lord, it is me/ — ' I am surprised to see you in such a place/ added his lordship. — * And I am equally astonished at seeing your lordship : but you must know, my lord, that I am afflicted with a pain in the chest, attended at times with a difficulty of utterance. Your lord- ship may easily perceive how I am affected at this moment/ — ' I do perceive it, indeed/ rejoined the dignitary. I continued : ' for this complaint, my physicians order me to use the exercise in which you see me employed, and they tell me I shall derive great benefit from it/ The bishop turned upon his heel, and left me with this remark : * Proceed, doc- tor, with your game ; I wish you all the benefit from it your physicians have promised you ; but I am afraid it will never procure you a benefice' Now, my friends, I ask you, whether you ever heard of any woman's committing an act half so silly, as a clergy- man's wife sending a bishop to a skittle-ground in search of her husband V The company admitted the application of the story, and the doctor's wife was, by common consent, admitted to have, in this in- stance, exceeded the folly of all their wives. 388. The rector of Hui worth, in the county of Durham, preached three Sundays successively upon these words : " Behold, now, the axe is laid to the root of the tree/' It happened that a timber-mer- chant came to the village, and enquired at the.public- house, if the landlord couid inform him cf a gcod 132 CLERICAL. purchase I The host very gravely recommended lam to the parson of the parish ; " For," says Boniface. " he has been felling wood the last three weeks." The unwary traveller, believing the information^ waited upon the doctor, who was astonished at the application, and began to reprove the merchant for his insolence. The man, equally surprised, related what he had heard from the landlord ; upon which the rector's wife unravelled the mystery, and said, * * My dear, 1 hope this will be a warning to you in future, not to preach three Sundays from the same text." 389. A clergyman said to one of his poor parish- ioners, " You have lived like a knave, aud you will die like a knave/' — " Then/' said the poor fellow, " you will bury me like a knave." 390. Dr. W. a divine, seldom in church, but a rigid justice of peace, having a fellow before him, said, " I shall teach you law, I warrant you." — " Sir," answer- ed the fellow, " it would be better if you would teach me gospel. 7 * 391. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in a bye-lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the haughty- divine, with an erect crest, told him, — He was better fed than taught. — '* Very true indeed," replied the farmer, " for you teach me, and I feed myself." 392. A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat " So. John," says the doctor, " whence came you?" — " From your house, sir," says Mr. Soot; " for this morning I swept all your chimneys." — u How many were there ?" says the doctor. u No less than twen- ty," quoth John. — " Well, and how much a chimney CLERICAL. 153 have you V — " Only a shilling" a-piece, sir.** — u Why then,'' quoth the doctor, " you have earned a great deal of money in a little time." — " Yes, yes/' says John, throwing his bag over his shoulder, " we black coats get our money easy enough." 393. In a conn try parish, the wife of the lord of the manor came to church, after her lying-in, to re- turn thanks, or, as it is commonly termed, to be churched. The parson, aiming to be complaisant* and thinking plain " woman" a little too familiar, in- stead of saying, " O Lord, save this woman !" said, " O Lord, save this lady !" The clerk , resolving not to be behind-hand with him in politeness, answered,. " Who putteth her ladyship's trust in thee/' 394. A certain field-preacher, in explaining to his congregation the nature of hell r told them he had lived there eleven months. " It is a great pity/' said one of the hearers, " that you did not stay there a, month longer, for then yon would have gained a legal settlement" 395. An itinerant parson holding forth on these words: " But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added ttnto you ;" alter he had almost exhausted his elo- quence on the subject, concluded with a homely si- mile, adapted to the understanding of his auditory. " They shall be added to you," said he, " like paper and packthread, which you always get over and above at the grocer's, when you lay out your money/* 396. A non-conformist parson, preaching on the fire of London, said, " The calamity could not be occasioned by the sin of blasphemy ; for, in that case, it would have begun at Billingsgate : nor lewd- ness, for then Drury-iane would have been first on fire : nor lying ; for then the flames had reached them. N 134 CLERICAL. from Westminster-hall : no, my beloved, it was oc- casioned by the sin of gluttony ; for it began at Pud- ding-lane, and ended at Pie-corner" 397. A methodist preacher in Moor-fields some years since, prophesied the destruction of the French from a prophecy contained in the 35th chapter of Ezekiel. — The following verse, which forms the text, is directed against Mount Seir, which he englisbed moimsieur, ?< Thus saith the Lord, behold, oh, moun- seer! I am against thee, and I will stretch out my hand against thee, and make thee desolate !" 398. An illiterate methodist preaching in London was completely gravelled when he had scarcely preached ten minutes, and all his resource was the text, " Luke, the physician salutes you." This he had frequently repeated, when a person who had strolled in, tired of the repetition, rose and said, " Pray then salute him in return, from us, and make our best respects to him." 399. A dissenting minister, celebrated for the ec- centricity of his manner, uniformly made it one of the questions which he addressed to those of the lower order, who applied to be admitted as commu- nicants with his people, " Do you drink gin?' To this pointed question he once received as an answer, from a female applicant, an acknowledgment that she sometimes did. Not satisfied, however, with her candid confession, he pressed her very closely to tell him how often she drank it. Irritated at length by his pertinacity, she answered in a very sharp tone "As often as parsons drink wine." — " And pray," said he, " how often is that?"—" As often as they can get it without paying for it," was the reply; which effectu- ally silenced her rigid catechist. 400. A board, of dissenting ministers were some LEGAL. 135 years since examining five or six young men, who were candidates for admission into the missionary se- minary, at Gosport, when one of them, celebrated for the personality of many of his questions, asked the candidate under examination, " What was his besetting sin V To this question the replies were such as were perfectly satisfactory to the whole of the, ex- aminers, excepting the minister who had first pro- posed, and still pursued the enquiry. At length, however, his patience being completely worn out, the young man effectually silenced his tormenter by tel- ling him, — That, as he was pushed so closely, he must honestly confess, that his besetting sin, was to give saucy answers to impertinent questions. CHAP. V. LEGAL. CORACIUS. 401. Coracius agreed to teach Sosio rhetoric for a certain rew r ard, which was to be paid as soon as the pupil had become master of the art. But when he had learned it, he refused to advance the stipulated sum, upon which he was sued by Coracius. Sosio, relying upon the sophistry he had learned, asked him what rhetoric was ? — " The art of persuasion," replied Coracius. " Oh then," said Sosio, " if I persuade the judges I owe you nothing, I shall have nothing to pay you, because I shall have gained my suit; and, if I am unable to persuade them, still you will have no demand on me ; because, in that case, it will be proved that I am not master of the art of persuasion ; therefore I think you will do well to proceed no far- ther." But Coracius, who was not to be foiled with liis own weapon, retorted his argument upon him N % 136 LEGAL. thus : — " Though you should succeed in persuading the judges, you shall nevertheless pay me, because then it will appear that you are perfect in the art of persuasion ; and if you fail to persuade them, you shall still pay me, because then you will lose your suit ; so pay you must, and pay you shall." Cicero. 402. The Sphinx, it may be recollected, was sup- posed by the antients to have been the interpreter of riddles. Hortensius, the great Roman pleader, had a present made him of a curious and valuable figure of the Sphinx as a bribe, by Verres, who was tried for his bad government of Sicily. Hortensius, plead- ing for Yerres against Cicero, said, " Your allusions ^re so obscure, that I want some one to explain your riddles." — " You cannot be at a loss on that account,*' replied Cicero, " as you have the Sphinx at home." Catulus. 403. An indifferent pleader asked Catulus, "Have 1 not succeeded in making a very moving speech?" — - M Certainly/' said he; "for some of your audience pitied you, and the rest walked out of courts * Sir -Thomas More. 404. When Sir Thomas More was lord chancel- lor, a nobleman, who had a cause pending hi his court, sent him two large silver flaggons, of great value : " Tell my lord," said Sir Thomas to the bearer, * fc that they shall he filled, and when he has emptied them, he shall have some more wine, if he approves it, ,; 405. When lord chancellor, he sentenced a gen- tleman to pay a considerable sum of money to a poor widow, whom he had oppressed. The gentleman re- monstrated, and said, 4 * I hope your lordship will give me time, and a long day, to pay so large a sum." — " You shall have your request," said the chancel- LEGAL. 137 lor ; " Monday next is St. Barnabas, the longest day in all the year; pay the widow then, or you shall sieep in the Fleet the shortest night in the year/* 406. Sir Thomas More, on the day that he was beheaded, had a barber sent to him, because his hair was long, which it was thought would make him more pitied by the people. The barber came to him, and asked him, — Whether he would please to be trim- med? — P In good faith, honest fellow/' said Sir Tho- mas, " the king and I have a suit for my head ; and till the title be cleared, 1 will do no cost upon it." Lord Keeper Hatton. 407. During a cause, in which the boundaries of a piece of land were to be ascertained, the counsel of the one part stated, " We lie on this side, my lord (' and the counsel of the other part, " And we lie on this side." The chancellor, who was Sir Christopher Hatton, hearing this, stood up, and said, " Nay, if you lie on both sides, I can believe neither of you.'* Lord Chancellor Bacon. 408. Queen Elizabeth being much enraged against Dr. Hay ward, author of the Life of Henry the Fourth, had ordered her law officers to proceed against him ; and, amongst others, inquired of Bacon, If there was not treason in the book? The witty lawyer readily answered, " No, madam, I cannot an- swer for there being treason in it, but I am certain it contains much felony" — " How!" eagerly exclaimed her majesty, M how and wherein ? v — " In many pas- sages," replied he, " which he has stolen from Ta- citus." Lord Chancellor Jeffries. 409. When Jeffries was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land, and it was reported that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, N 3 138 LEGAL. &e. was already written, " Pray, my lord chief jus- tice/' said a gentleman present, " what do you think will be the heads of (his manifesto?" — " Mine will be one," replied he. Lord Chancellor Talbot. 410. A very considerable living falling in the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, who was a man of a noble and generous spirit, Sir Robert Walpole took the freedom to recommend to his lordship's notice a friend of his whom he wished to oblige. His lord- ship having no objection to the gentleman's charac- ter, very frankly told Sir Robert, that his friend should be obliged. While the matter thus rested as deter- mined, though the necessary forms of induction were yet un passed, the curate, who had served the former incumbent for many years, ami had an unexception- able character, applied to his lordship, with letters of recommendation from the best people in the parish, setting forth the hardships he laboured under by reason of his numerous family, and the inconveni- ences he must sutler should he be constrained to move ; and therefore earnestly intreating his lord- ship's interest with the next incumbent, to continue him in his curacy. The chancellor received the cu- rate with his wonted goodness, and entering into con- versation with him, found him to be an excellent scholar, and of lively parts ; and, on asking him what his curacy might be worth, was told about 401. a year. u Well, sir," said he, " I'll not only grant your suit, but endeavour to raise your income;" and accord- ingly, when the clergyman, to whom the living was promised, came to press forward his presentment, his lordship took occasion to speak to him in favour of the old curate, and withal to intimate that the salary, considering the man's family and abilities (which he assured him were none of the meanest), was too small for him to live upon, and therefore wished him to make it up sixty pounds a year, which, with the LEGAL, '139 bounty of his parishioners, would afford him a com- fortable subsistence. The clergyman paused a little at such an unexpected request; but soon recollecting himself, said, u I am exceedingly sorry that I cannotf oblige your lordship in the choice of the gentleman, you recommend, having already engaged a near re- lation, whom I cannot dismiss with honour. 7 ' — " What!" said his lordship, " have you engaged a curate before you are possessed of the living V } He said — He had. J' Then, sir," replied the chancellor, with some warmth, " I shall furnish you with the best excuse in the world to dismiss him, for I shall dispose of the living to another :" and, without staying to hear his reply, left him. In a few days the old curate took the liberty to wait upon his lordship, to learn the success of his interposition with the de- signed incumbent. My lord told him frankly, he had used the most pressing arguments in his favour he was master of, but was unable to succeed. Here the tears began to flow involuntarily from the old man's eyes, who was going to retire to vent his grief, wheH the chancellor calling him back, said, " Sir, I per- ceive your distress, and I really pity you : the curacy I cannot give you, but the Kving 1 can ; and you may write to your family and friends by the next post, that, though you only applied for the curacy, your modesty and merit have gained you the rectorship." He blest the chancellor, and, unable to utter a word more, left him. Lord Chancellor Thurlow. 411. Lord Thurlow, in his juvenile days, meeting a brother barrister, the following dialogue was com- menced, and quietly conducted — " Thurlow, I am told the bar-maid at Nando's is with child.' 7 — u Well what's that to me?" — " Why, I am told it is yourV — " Well, what's that to you \" 412. Mr. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet dinner on 140 LEGAL. the ei^ergy and beauty of the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the English, he asserted, that two negatives made a thing more positive than one affirmative pos- sibly could. " Then/' said Thurlow, " your fa- ther and mother must have been two complete nega- tives, to make such a positive fellow as you are." 413. A person came running almost breathless to I^ord Chancellor Thurlow. " My lord/' said he, " I bring you tidings of calamity to the nation, and I do Hot know how far the direful effects of it may spread to endanger the church and state." — " What is the matter, man ?" said the impatient chancellor. " My lord/' continued this magnifier of political mischief, " a rebellion has broken out." — " Where, where?" — " In the Isle of Man." — " A rebellion in the Isle of Man," repeated the vociferous and enraged chancel- lor ; " a tempest in a tea-pot !" 414. A certain bishop, devoid of sense, wit, or merit, had a perpetual laugh on his countenance. " You see/' said Lord Thurlow, " he laughs in contempt at the king, for having made him a bishop." 415. A certain great personage sent express for Lord Thurlow, when chancellor, to Windsor. As he was walking the Terrace, his lordship coming up, said, in his blunt way, " Well, what do you want now?" — " Oh, Thurlow, I am glad you are come; I want you very particularly." — " Well, what's the matter?" — " You have such a living in your gift at present."— " Yes, and what then ?" — " I am to beg you to give it to a man I wish to befriend." — " In- deed! but I shall do no such thing; such livings don't come every day; why, it is fifteen hundred a year."—*' No matter, you must oblige me; this is a Very worthy man, with a large family, and he hits made LEGAL. 141 tne represent of a capital white horsed — " Well, I tell you I won't." — '* Coine, come, Thurlow, you must for ence oblige me; and, more than that, I'll get you to write him a letter, graying, that it is entirely of your own suggestion, on account of his worth." — u I'll be hung if I do." — M No! indeed you must do it; I shall very soon have a living of five and twenty hun- dred in my gift, and I promise you that I shall give you the disposal of that, if you let me have this, and write the letter as I want it." — " Well, if your jockey parson must have it, tell me where he lives, that 1 may write to him/ 7 416. The following whimsical incident occurred to a junior at the English bar, at a time when the awful bench of equity was adorned by the lion-iike frowns of the inflexible Thurlow, justly surnamed, The Masque de fer. The ridiculous abbreviations in which professional men are apt to indulge, are well known. Among others, is comm a * for commission. The abbreviated word happened to be written on a motion paper given to a young barrister, who was to move for a commission to examine witnesses. When his turn came, the lord chancellor gave him the usual terrific nod, and the tyro of the gown, with great sim- plicity, moved his lordship for a common to examine witnesses. " Are they numerous, sir?" exclaimed the lord chancellor, not altering a single muscle in his rigid countenance. " I believe they are, my lord/'— u Well, then, sir, take Salisbury Plain. If that be not large enough, there is no other within the jurist diction of the court that will answer your purpose." The court was convulsed with laughter, and for onee a barrister was struck dumb. 417. A gentleman, having a remarkably bad breath, was met by Lord Thurlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing him booted and spurred, asked him where he had. been. u I have been taking the air this morning/' 14£ LEGAL. says he, u which was disagreeable too, as I had a confounded north wind full in my face all the time." — " Come, come/' says his lordship, " don't you com- plain, " for I am sure the north wind had the worst of it." Lord Eldon. 418. On the trial of a cause in the court of Com- mon Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having, in the course of the examination of a witness, asked a question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Jus^ tice Eldon very good-humouredly observed, " Bro^ ther Vaughan, this is not quite fair ; you wish the witness to give you, for nothing, what you would not give him under two guineas/' Lord Clare. 419. In the year 1788, when his majesty was at Cheltenham, and in the incipient part of his illness, some of the Irish whigs, hi the Duke of Portlands interest, resolved to cross the water and pay their re- spects to royalty. Amongst others, the late Lord Avonmore, then Cfiief Baron Yelverton, accompanied by Mr. Brownlow, who was a celebrated performer on the violin, and his friends, Counsellor Egan, a man of huge person, and Mr. Curran, who was never celebrated as an Adonis. This was during the term, and in a circle of barristers in the hall of the court ; next morning, some gentleman remarked, that the chief baron was gone to Cheltenham, to pay his re- spects to his majesty. " Yes/' said Mr. Pitzgibbon (afterwards Lord Chancellor Clare), " and I under- stand he travels like a showman, with a tiddler, a bear, and a monkey, in his suite/' Lord Chief Justice Holt. 420. When Holt was lord chief justice, a very en- thusiastical sect was the canker that festered the com- munity; and it being his lordship's opinion that a LEGAL. 143 t* ell-timed severity was the readiest way to destroy the spreading humour, he caused several of the ring- leaders to be committed to prison j upon which Mr. Lacy, a follower of theirs, went to his lordship's house, and demanded a conference with him. The porter said, his lordship was indisposed, and saw no company. " But tell him," said Lacy, " that 1 must see him, for I am sent to him by the Lord God/' The porter being struck with the oddity of the message, caused it to be delivered ; and the judge gave orders that the man should be admitted. When he entered the room, " 1 am come/' said he to the judge, " with a message from the Lord, requiring thee, on pain of everlasting fire, to grant a noli prosequi for John At- kins, and others, God's faithful servants, whom thou wrongfully cast into prison/' — " Thou art a lying prophet," replied his lordship, " for if the Lord had sent thee, he would have directed thee to the attor- ney-general, for he kxows it is not in my power to grant thee a noli jprosequi" And so he wrote his mittimus to keep his brethren company. 421. In the reign of Queen Anne, A. D. 1704, several freemen of the borough of Aylesbury had been refused the liberty of voting at an election for a member of parliament, though they proved their qua- lifications as such. The law in this case imposes a fine on the returning officer of 1001. for every such offence. On this principle they applied to Lord Chief Justice Holt, who ordered the officer to be arrested. The House of Commons, alarmed at this step, made an order of their house to make it penal for either judge, counsel, or attorney, to assist at the trial; however, the lord chief justice, and several lawyers, were hardly enough to oppose this order, and brought the cause on in the court of King's Bench. The house, highly irritated at this contempt of their order, sent a serjeant at arms for the judge to appear before them 3 but that resolute defender of the laws bade 144 LEGAL. hiin, with a voice of authority, be gone; on which, they sent a second message by their speaker, at- tended by as many members as espoused the mea- sure. After the speaker had delivered hir message, his lordship replied to him in the following remark- able words: " Go back to your chair, Mr. Speaker, within these five minutes, or you may depend on it r ril send yon to Newgate. You speak of your autho- rity : but I'll tell you I sit here as an interpreter of the laws and a distributor of justice ; and, were the whole House of Commons in your belly, I would not stir one foot." The speaker was prudent enough to re- tire, and the house were equally prudent in letting the> affair drop. Lord Mansfield. 422. When a Jew, in a rich suit of embroidered clothes, once came before Lord Mansfield to justify bail, the opposite counsel pressed him very hard as to what the property he swore to consisted of. This Moses evaded as well as he could ; but Lord Mans- field at last put an end to the conversation, by fixing his eyes on the Jew's lace, and exclaiming, f Ask him no more questions, he will burn for the money." 423. Lord Mansfield being one time on the circuit, a man was brought before him charged with stealing a silver ladle ; and, in the course of the trial, the coun- sel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attornc}'. " Come, come," said his lord^ ship, in a whisper to the Counsel, " don't exaggerate matters ; if the fellow had been an attorney, you may depend on it he would have stolen the bowl as well as the ladle." 424. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man, who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at ten- pence ; upon which the prosecutor cried out, " Ten- pence, my lord, why the very fashion of it cost me LEGAL. 145 five pounds."—" Oh," says his lordship, " we must wot hang a man for fashion's sake." 425. The following anecdote is more interesting still ; for, in exhibiting a new proof of the wisdom and superior intelligence of Lord Mansfield, it throws some light on the spirit of the multitude in general, and particularly on the character of the English peo- ple, when, even in their passions, they are spoken to in the name of the law. This great magistrate being in one of the counties, on the circuit, a poor woman was indicted for witchcraft. The inhabitants of the place were exasperated against her. Some witnesses deposed that they had seen her walk in the air, with her feet upwards and her head downwards. Lord Mansfield heard the evidence with great tranquillity, and perceiving the temper of the people, whom it would not have been prudent to irritate, he thus ad- dressed them : " I do not doubt that this woman has walked in the air, with her feet upwards, since you have all seen it ; but she has the honour to be born in England, as well as you and I, and, consequently, cannot be judged but by the laws of the country, nor punished but in proportion as she has violated them. TS'ow I know not one law that forbids walking in the air with the feet upwards. We have all a right to do it with impunity. I see no reason, therefore, for this prosecution ; and this poor woman may return home when she pleases." This speech had its proper effect. It appeased the auditory, and the woman retired from the court without molestation. Lord Chief Justice Mansfield. 426. In the court of Common Pleas, a person im- prisoned under particular circumstances was brought up by Habeas Corpus to be discharged. The ad- verse counsel, Mr. Serjeant Best, after having un- successfully urged a variety of arguments against the o 14ft LEGAL. discbarge, moved that, on account of a particular fact, the matter might lie over till the ensuing Tuesday. " I have no objection, brother/' said the lord chief justice, w to grant your request, on one condition, namely, that 3 on be imprisoned in place of the de- fendant till Tuesday." Sir Nicholas Bacon. 427. Sir Nicholas Bacon being once, in the capa- city of judge, on the point of passing sentence upon a fellow just found guilty of a robbery the culprit greatly importuned him to save his life ; and, among other things, alleged that he had the honour of being one of his lordships relations. 4< Bow go you prove that?" said Sir Nicholas. " My lord," leplied the man, '*■ your name is Bacon, and my name is Hog, and hog and bacon have in all ages been reckoned akin/' — " That is true/' answered the judge ; " but hog is never bacon till it has been hung ; and, there- fore, until you are hung, you can be no relation of mine/' Mr. Justice Rooke* 428. Judge Rooke, in going the western circuit, had a great stone thrown at his head ; but, from the circumstance of his stooping very much, it passed over him. " You see/' said he to his friends, %< that had I been an upright judge, I might have been killed/' James Boswell, Lord Auchinleck. 429. When James Boswell took Dr. Johnson to his father's house in Scotland, Lord Auchinleck re- marked that Jamie had brought an odd chiel along with him. " Sir," said Boswell, " he is the grand lu- minary of our hemisphere; quite a constellation^ sir/'— 4 ' Ursa Major (the Great Bear), I suppose," said the old judge. LEGAL. 147 FraserTytler, Lord Woodhousexee. 430. Hugo Arnot was for a long time afflicted with a very bad cough. One day, after a severe fit, meet- ing the late Mr. Tytler, of Woodhouselee, he re- marked to him that this cough would certainly carry him off some day like a rocket — " Aye, aye, Mr. Ar- not," observed Mr, T. " it's my opinion, however, if you dinna mend your manners, ye'll tak a contrary ■direction" Mr. Serjeant Fazakerly. 431. Serjeant Fazakerly being on a visit in th« country, in the time of long vacation, was one day riding out with a rich squire, who happened at that time to be about engaging in a law-suit, and thought it a good opportunity to pump an opinion out of the counseller gratis. The serjeant gave his opinion in such a way that the gentleman was encouraged to go on with his suit, which, however, he lost, after ex- pending considerable sums in it. Irritated by his disappointment, he waited upon the serjeant at his chambers, and eried out, " Zound3 1 Mr. Serjeant, here have I lost three thousand pounds by your ad- vice." — " By my advice !" says Fazakerly, " how can that be? I don't remember giving you my advice ; but let me look over my book/' — *' Book !" says the other, " there is no occasion to look at your books, it was when we were riding together at such a place.*'— 4i Oh," answered the serjeant, " I remember some- thing of it; but, neighbour, that was only my travel- *■ iing opinion, and that is never to be relied on, except registered in my fee-book." Mr. Serjeant Gardiner. 432. Mr. Serjeant Gardiner being lame of one leg, und pleading before the late Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the judge told him, he was afraid o 2 148 LEGAL. he had but a lame cause of it. — " Oh, my lord," said the serjeant, " have but a little patience, and I'll war- rant I prove every thing as plain as the nose on your face." Mr. Serjeant Davy. 433. Serjeant Davy, being concerned in a cause which he wanted to postpone for a few days, asked Lord Mansfield when he would bring it on? " On Friday next," said his lordship. ""Will you please to consider, my lord, that Friday next is Good Fri- day V — " I don't care for that : the better day the better deed." — " Well, my lord," says Davy, " you will of course do as you please ; but if you do sit on that day, I believe you'll be the first judge who did business on a Good Friday since Pontius Pilate's time." His lordship took the hint, and did not sit. Mr. Noy. 434. Three graziers at a fair left their money with their hostess, while they went to transact their busi- ness. A short time after, one of them returned, and under pretence that they had occasion for the whole money, received it from the hostess, and made his es- cape with it. The other two sued the woman for de- livering that which she had received from the three, before the three came and demanded it The cause was tried, and a verdict found against the woman ; when Mr. Noy, then first making his appearance at the bar, wished to be feed by her, because he could not plead without it. He then moved in arrest of judg- ment, that he was retained by the defendant, and that the case was this :— The defendant had received the money of the three together, and confesses, " she was iiot to deliver it until the same three demanded it, and therefore, the money is ready — let the three men come, and it shall be paid." This motion altered the whole course of proceeding, and first brought Mr. Noy into notice. LEGAL. 349 John Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton. 435. The day after Dr. Price published his pam- phlet on the National Debt, &c the late Duke of Cumberland, walking in Westminster Hsll, in com- pany with Counsellor Dunning, met the doctor, and thinking it necessary to pay a compliment, told him, that he had read his book with so much delight, and sat up so late to finish it, that it had almost blinded kirn. u Rather singular," said Dunning, " that it should have such an effect upon your royal highness, for it has opened the eyes of every body else, >; Mr. Ming ay. 436. Mr. (now lord) Erskine, being counsel for the plaintiff in an action for the infringement of a patent for buckles, expatiated with his usual eloquence on the improvements made in this manufacture. — ** What," said he, taking out his own buckle, and ex- hibiting it to the court, u what would my ancestors say, were they to rise out of their graves, and see me with such an ornament as this?" — "They would be surprised, I dare say," observed Mr. Mingay, " to see you with either shoe or stocking" 437. Mr Garrow was one day relating that he had a client to defend, against whom an action was to be brought at the suit of an architect, who, amongst other useful erections, had built for him no less than six water-closets. The plea he stated to be set up m defence was that of non-age. " This plea," ob- served Mr. Mingay, " must be unavailing, as minors are compelled to pay for necessaries." 438. A barrister, blind of one eye, pleading one day with his spectacles on, said, " Gentlemen, in my arguments T shall use nothing but what is neces- sary." Mr. Mingay immediately replied, " Then take out one of the glasses of your spectacles." o 3 150 LEGAL. Hon. Thomas, (now Lord) Ehskine. 439. A barrister, in the Court of King's Bench, de- scribing the bad usage of a high-bred horse, said that it had for some time been employed in dragging heavy loads, and fed on coarse old hay, till the ani- mal himself demurred to the treatment. " He should not have demurred,'* replied Mr. Erskine, "now the winter season is over ; he had better have put himself on the country" 440. A certain Serjeant, who is apt to get a little testy in argument was one day reminded by Mr Ers- kine, that he should not shew anger, but shew cause. 441. On the evening when his majesty was shot at from the pit of Drury-lane theatre, a gentleman, who supped with Mr. Erskine after the play, having re- lated the circumstance to him, the witty barrister ob- served, " Aye, I always thought he had every thing to dread from the Pittites" 442. The Temple corps, which was distinguished at a review, by its plainly elegant dress and steady order, was inspected by the Earl of Harrington. As he rode along the line, before the review, his lordship stopped to salute its commander, and said, " This is the law association, sir V — " Yes, my lord." To which the earl rejoined, " I do not find any one that speaks a word ; I never knew lawyers so silent" w We have no pay, my lord/' replied Colonel Er- skine. Mr. Jekyll. 443. Mr. Erskine being indisposed in the Court of King's Bench, told Mr. Jekyll— -That he had a pain in his bowels, for which he could get no relief. ? I'll give you an infallible specific," replied the hu- LEGAL. 15} mourous barrister, "get made attorney- general, my friend, and then you'll have no bowels." 444. Mr. Jekyll, meeting a friend in the street, observed, " So our friend — , the attorney, is dead." — u Yes, and I hear he has left very few ef- fects." — " It could not be otherwise; he had very few causes," replied the legal wag. 445. In an iniquitous and iisurous transaction, which came before the judges at Guildhall, in March, 1804, where a Mr. Skill had been taken in by a man of the name of Baird — Tickle was a party concerned, and a witness for Baird. Tickle was not a flippant witness ; but Mr. Garrow artfully drew the facts from him with such address, that Mr. Jekyll observed, the learned counsel had supplied Skill's want of judg- ment, had the secrets of t lie usurer Baird (bared), and exerted his usual ingenuity to Tickle the witness. 446. A certain nobleman was expressing to Mr. Jekyll how much he was displeased that his head should have been made the subject of repeated ani- madversions in the daily prints. " I confess," replied the wit, " that I am surprised, as much as your lord- ship, that they should have been able to make so much out of it. v Mr. Pooley. 447. At the Worcester summer assizes 1809, a per- son was tried on an indictment for perjury, in which case the law justly requires the evidence of two wit- nesses to convict. Here the two witnesses were a bailiff and his follower, who frequently goes by a mere homely appellation. Mr. Pooley, counsel for the prisoner, insisted that here was a defect of evi- dence, these two being so completely identified that- they could only be considered as one witness. W What ! ;; said Judge Grose, " do you think them, 152 LEGAL. like man and wife?" — " My lord/' answered the bar- rister, " I assert, and am ready to maintain it against all the world, that a bailiff and his hum are one flesh/' Sir Toby Butler. 448. Sir Toby Butler, the celebrated Irish barris- ter, once invited Sir Charles Coote to dinner. He knew that his guest valued himself on a long list of ancestry, in which Sir Toby could have rivalled him if he had not prized himself on his own merit. At din- ner, therefore. Sir Toby frequently cried out, "Tell my cousin Pat, the butler, tell my cousin Oonah the cook, tell my cousin Terry the groom, such and such a thing/' — What !'* said Sir Charles, with a consider- able degree of surprise, " I find that all your servants are your relations.'* — " To be sure," said the knight, " is it not more praise-worthy to retain my own rela- tions for servants, than to keep your's ?" John Philpot Curran. 449. During a trial between Sir J P ■ , and R , the miniature-painter, on a cross-examin- ation by Curran, the latter confessed that he had put his arm round Miss D -\s waist, which had brought on a blow from Sir John. — "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, to R -, " you took that waist for a common." 450. It was one of the prominent complaints against Lord Clare on his elevation to the seals, that he car- ried his political antipathies with him even to the Equity Bench, and that those barristers who were members of Parliament and had opposed the noble lord in his politics while attorney genera!, usually re- ceived his marked discountenance in the Court of Chancery. Mr. Ponsonby, Mr. Curran, Mr. Egaiy Mr, Fox, and several others, experienced those marks LEGAL. 153 of antipathy in a way highly injurious to their pro- fessional pursuits, and have more than once thrown down their brief's and quitted the court with marks or* disgust, and resentment; while a junior barrister, a nephew of the noble lord, without talents or popu- larity, was distinguished by his marked attention, as if with a view to throw grist into his empty bag. The noble lord had a favourite companion, a large Newfoundland dog, which not only accompanied him through the streets, but generally sat with him on the Chancery Bench, One day, while that celebrated orator, Mr. Curran, was addressing his lordship in an eloquent speech, Lord Clare with marked inatten- tion and non chalance, continued playing with this dog, and fondly patting him on the back. Mr. Curran ? who had borne this for a considerable time with pa- tience, at length, made a full pause. The chancellor missing the barrister's voice, suddenly turned, and said, " Have you done, Mr. Curran?" Mr. Curran resumed, and addressing the peer and his canine col- league, answered, " No, my lords : I thought your lordships were in consultation, and I was unwilling to interrupt your lordships. But now my lords, if your lordships are disposed to attend, I shall proceed. Then, may it please your lordships, as I was proceed- ing to observe- — /' The chancellor felt the kit, beat down his dog, laughed heartily, apologized for his inattention, and requested Mr. Curran to proceed with Ills argument. Lord Chancellor Jeffries. 451. When Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was once pleading at the bar, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home on the side he swore lor. Jeffries, after his usual way, called out to the felJow r , " Hark you, you fellow in the leathern doublet, what have you for 154 LEGAL, swearing?" To which the countryman smartly re- plied, " Faith, sir, if you had no more for lying than 1 have for swearing, you might e'en wear a leather doublet too." 452. The same Jeffries, when on the bench, told an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. " Does your lord- ship," replied the old man, " measure consciences by beards 2 If so, your lordship has no conscience at all." Lord Chancellor Thurlow. 453. When Lord Thurlow was at the bar, his clerk was one day reading to him a legal instrument, and when he came to the part, " / do devise all that farm, to" &c. &c. he was seized with so violent a fit of coughing, that he could not proceed : on which the testy lawyer exclaimed, " Read on, with a curse to yon — your heirs and their heirs for ever! 1 454. One day, when Lord Thurlow was very busy at his house in Ormond-street, a poor curate applied to him for a living then vacant. u Don't trouble me," said the chaucellor, turning upon him with a frown- ing brow, " don't you see that I am busy, and can't listen to you? — what duke or lord recommended you ?" The poor curate lifted up his eyes, and with dejection said, he had no lord to recommend him but the Lord of hosts. " The Lord of hosts," replied the chancellor, " the Lord of hosts ! — I believe I have had recommendations from most lords, but do not recollect one from him before : so do you hear, young man, you shall have the living." 455. Mr. Tierney once observed of this noble and learned lord, who was much given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his LEGAL. I5S religion, for that in his house it was passion week in the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round. 456. When Lord Tharlow was chancellor, his mace-bearer, who had attended him to the conrt and the House of Lords for years in awful silence, think- ing one day that he saw something" like a smile on his face, ventured to simper out,, ** My lord, this is a fine day." — u D — nyou and the day, too," thundered out his lordship. Lord Chancellor Clare. 457. A fellow named Hanlon, a news-hawker, wa& so addicted to whiskey that he relied rather upon his impudence and his wit, than upon his trade ; for he would familiarly address gentlemen of the first con- sequence by their names of Jack or Tom, and invite them to take a bit of dinner or drink a glass of whis- key with him, always ending his joke by requesting the lean of a keg to drink their healths. He one day addressed Lord Chancellor Clare in this way, who replied, " Whet Hanlon ar'n't you hang'd yet — I tell you, Fve no change." — " Ah ! by St. Patrick, soft Jack," answered Hanlon, " if hanging was fairly divided you'd had your share ten years ago : I wish I had as good a house as you could rob, any hov;." Lord Chief Justice Holt. 458. The great Lord Chief Justice Holt, when young was very extravagant, and belonged to a club of wild fellows, most of whom took to an infamous course of life. When his lordship was engaged at the Old Bailey, a man was tried and convicted of a robbery on the highway, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his old companions. Moved by that curiosity which is natural on a retrospection of past life, Holt, thinking that the fellow did not know him, asked what was become of such and such of hie 156 legal: old associates. The culprit, making a low bow, and fetching a deep sigh, said, " Ah, my lord! they are all hanged but your lordship and I." Lord Chief Justice King. 459. The Kev. Mr. Whist on, so well known in the literary world by his writings, being one day in dis- course with Lord Chief Justice Kmg, who Was brought up at Exeter a rigid dissenter, a debate arose about signing articles which men do not believe, for the sake of preferment, which the chief justice openly justified; "Because/' said he, " we must not lose our usefulness for scruples/ 7 Mr Winston, who was quite of an opposite opinion, asked his lordship — If in their courts they allowed of such prevarication? He answered — They did not — " Then," said Mr. Winston, " suppose God Almighty should be as just in the next world as my lord chief justice is in this ; where are we then ?" Lord Mansfield, 460. Lord Mansfield examining a man, who was a witness in the Court of King's Bench, asked him what he knew of the defendant? u Oh, my lord, I knew him ; I was up to him" — " Up to him !" said his lordship, " what do you mean 'by being up to him V — " Mean, my lord, why / was down upon Kim I" — " Up to him, and down upon him," said his lordship, turning to counsellor Dunning, M what does the fellow mean?' — "Why, I mean, my lord, as deep as he thought himself I stags?' d him." — " 1 cannot conceive, friend," rejoined the judge, u what you mean by this sort of language, I don't understand it." — u Not understand it!" rejoined the fellow, with surprise, ** What aflat you must he" 461. Lord Mansfield had discharged a coachman whom he suspected of having embezzled his corn : a short time afterwards he received a letter from a LEGAL. 157 merchant in live city, requesting a character of the dismissed servant : his lordship accordingly wrote an answer, that he was a very sober man, and an ex- cellent coachman, but that he believed he had cheat- ed him. Some time after this, going to Caen-wood, his lordship met his old coachman, who accosted him, expressing himself glad to see him in such good health, and thanked him for the character he had given him, in consequence of which he had got an ex- cellent place. — " Your lordship," he said, " has been pleased to say I was a sober man, and a good coach- man, but that you believed I had cheated you ; my master observed, that if I answered the two first de- scription, the last he thought little of, for he did not think the devil himself could cheat your lordship." 462. On a trial before Lord Mansfield, an action was brought to ascertain some privileges concerning the boundaries of two parishes, upon which a great deal of money was spent, to elucidate a question which was not of three-pence consequence to either party. In the course of the trial, Lord Mansfield having taken notice of some pointed observation, which had fallen from one of the witnesses, a farmer, he begged leave to ask him a few questions, merely for information, concerning the customs of overseers, and other officers, who manage the parish mosey. The farmer, with great cheerfulness, appeared ready to satisfy him, and his lordship said, i4 In the course of your evidence I think you noticed that the pa- rish money was very often improperly applied ; now I do not mean to insinuate that you would be likely to misuse it ; but as you mentioned that you were once churchwarden, if you have no objection, I should wish to hear at ha* was done with the money at that time." — ik Why, my lord," said the farmer, u the money was worse applied while t was church- warden than ever I knew it in my life." — P Indeed V said his lordship, " I should be glad to know how." P 158 LEGAL, — " Why, my lord,*' said the farmer, * Til tell youv A gentleman, who had lived some time among us y went into Yorkshire, where he died, tn his will he bequeathed about an hundred and iwenty pounds to the poor of our parish. We applied for it often, but 'twould not do ; the executors and the lawyers, and one or another were- glad enough to keep the money in their hands ; for you know, my lord, 'tis an old raying, that might can overcome right. Well, we did not know wtaat to do, and I came to your lordship foi^ advice. You were then Counsellor Murray. I re- member, my lord, you advised us to file a bill in Chan- cery. We did so ; and, after throwing a great deal of good money after bad, we got, I think they call it, a decree ; and such a decree it was, that, when all expenses were paid, I reckon we were about an hun- dred and seventy-five pounds out of pocket. Now r my lord, I leave you to judge whether the parish money was not likely to be worse employed while I was churchwarden, than ever I. knew it before/' Lord Chief Justice Mansfield. 463. In the court of Common Pleas, Nov. 12, 1813, a motion was argued, in which Sergeant Yaughan insisted that common sense was on the side of his client. " Common sense ! brother Yaughan, (said the lord chief justice) don't you know that the House of Lords declared long ago, that it was a shocking thing to introduce common sense into the law." Lord Avonmore. 464. The late Lord Avonmore, although a man of distinguished talents, was too apt, from a hasty dispo- sition, to anticipate the tendency of an argument. A celebrated lawyer, whose client had suffered in consequence of' this habit, took the following method of reproving it. Being engaged to dine in company with the noble lord, he delayed going so long, that the company were at dinner when he entered the room ; LEGAL. 359 he apologized for liis absence, apparently with much agitation, stating, that, from a melancholy event he had just witnessed, he found himself unable to mas- ter his feelings: M I was passing through the market/' said he ; "a calf was bound to a post: the butcher had drawn his knife, and was just advancing, when a beautiful child ran across him, and in a moment! he killed" — " the child !" exclaimed his lordship : ** No, my lord, the calf; but your lordship is in the habit of anticipation" Lord Hackerston. 465. " Hackerston's cow" is a Scotch proverb, of which the following is the origin. A tenant of Lord Hackerston, who was one of the judges of the Court of Session, one day waited on his lordship with a woeful countenance. " My lord/' said he, " I am come to inform your lordship of a sad misfortune ; my cow has gored one of your lordship's cows, so that I fear it cannot live." — " Well, then you must pay for it." — " Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you know I am a very poor man." — " I can't help that ; I say you must pay for it ; I am not to lose my cow." — " Well, my lord, if it must be so I cannot say against your lordship — but stop, my lord, I be- lieve I have made a mistake ; it was your lordship's cow that gored mine." O ! that is quite a different affair — go along, and don't trouble me ; I am busy — go along, I say." Sir Fletcher Norton. 466. The late Sir l^ietcher Norton was in his cha- racter of a counsellor rather coarse ; he once exa- mined Mr. Alderman Shakespeare as a witness, and in the course of his examination said, in a rude way, " And pray what trade are you, friend?" — " A rope- maker, at your service" replied the alderman. Mr. Serjeant Davy. 467. Serjeant Daw, of brow-beating memory, was p 2 160 LEGAL. originally a druggist at Exeter, but, becoming bank- rupt, turned his attention to the law, and succeeded. In examining a witness at the Castle, in Exeter, the man, being rather more accurate in his recollection of the time when the assault happened than Davy wished, he said to him, " My friend, how is it that you can recollect an affair of this kind, which happened so long ago V To which the other gave for anwser, " That it was exactly the day when Bully Davy shut up shop, and cheated him of fifty pounds ; a circum- stance he should remember all the days of his life." 468. On another occasion, a person justifying bail to the amount of three hundred pounds, the same learned Serjeant thus examined him : — " What pro- perty have you to the amount of six hundred pounds?" — " I have two hundred pounds in the stocks." — "Well, and what more?" — " I have stock in trade to the amount of three hundred pounds." — " Well, and what more ?" — " I have household fur- niture worth ninety pounds/' — " Well, and what more ; we still want ten pounds?" — " 1 have a note of one Davy for five and twenty pounds, that has been due several years; and, though he has promised it again and again, I can't get a farthing of it." — Lord Chief Justice. " Have you any more questions, Brother Davy?" — "No, my lord," said the crest- fallen serjeant and set himself down. Mr. Serjeant Cockle. 469. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a fishery, at Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by the late Serjeant Cockle, who, among many other questions, asked him, "Does thou love fish?" — " Yea," said the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity; "but I donna like Cockle sauce with it." A roar of laughter followed, in which the serjeant joined with his usual good humour. LEGAL. 161 Mr. Serjeant Bettesworth. 470. The following Hues on Serjeant Bettesworth, which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to a violent resentment on the part of the barrister ; — — " So at the bar the booby Bettesworth, Though half-a-crown o'erpays his sweat's worth, "Who knows in law, nor text, nor margent, Calls Singleton his brother Serjeant" The poem was sent to Bettesworth, at a time when he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial pariy. He read it aloud till he had finished the lines relative to himself. He then flung it down with great violence — trembled and turned pale — and, after some pause, his rage for a while depriving him of utterance, Jre took out his penknife, and, opening it, vehemently swore, " With this very penknife will I cut off his cars." He then went to the dean's house, and not finding him at home, followed him to the house of a friend; where being shewn into a back room, he de- sired the doctor might be sent for ; and on Swift en- tering the room, and asking what were his com- mands, " Sir," said he, " I am Serjeant Bettes- worth" — u Of what regiment, pray, sir?" said Swift. *' O Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery — you know me well enough ; I am one of his majesty's Ser- jeants at law, and I am come to demand if you are author of this poem (producing it), and these vil- lainous lines on me?" — " Sir," said Swift, " when I was a young man, 1 had the honour of being inti- mate with some great legal characters, particularly Lord Somers ; who, knowing my propensity to satire, advised me, when I lampooned a knave or a fool, never to own it. Conformably to that advice, I tell you that I am not the author." n John Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton). 471. A gentleman, who was examined as a witness by the late celebrated Mr. Donning, being repeats P 3 1.62 LEGAL. edly asked by the counsellor if he did not lodge in the verge of the court, at length replied, " He did." — " And pray, sir, for what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" — " In the vain hope,-' replied the other, " of avoiding the rascally imperti- nence of dunning" 472. Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the identity of the defendant. " Was he a tall man ?" says he. " Not very tall ; much about the size of your honour."— " Was he good-looking?" — " Not very; much like your honour." — " Did he squint ?" — " A little ; but not so much as your ho- nour." 473. Examining a witness on another occasion, he asked him the age of the defendant, it being a ques- tion of infancy. The witness said he did not know. " Can't you give an opinion?" — " No." — " Surely you can guess the age of a man you have seen so often ; you can say whether he was sixteen or sixty !" — " No." — " No! why, could you not guess whether I am sixteen or sixty ?" — " Not exactty. From your ap- pearance, I should suppose you to be sixty; but from the questions you ask, I should imagine you only sixteen." 474. A handsome young woman, who was a wit- ness in a trial of crim. con. before Lord Mansfield, was interrogated by Counselier Dunning, who, think- ing to confuse the woman, made her take off her bonnet, that he might have a view of her counte- nance, and see (for all counsellors are complete judges of physiognomy) whether the truth came from her lips. After he had put many ridiculous questions to her, he asked her whether her mistress had ever communicated the important secret to her. "No, sir," said the woman ; " she never did." — " How LEGAL. 163 then can you swear to her infidelity ?" — " Because I saw another gentleman, besides my master, in bed with her." — -" Indeed I" said the counsellor. " Yes, indeed, sir." — " And pray, my good woman,'' said the modest counsellor, thinking to silence her at once, " did your master (for I see you are very hand- some) in return for his wife's infidelity, go to bed to you?" — "That trial," said the spirited young wo- man, u does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops." -.- Lord Mansiield was tickled to the soul; he thrust his hand into the waistband of his breeches, (his custom when highly delighted) and asked Dun- ning if he had any more questions to put. " No, my lord, I have done;" said the chop-fallen orator, set- tling his wig, and sitting down. 475. A fellow, who was a witness in the Grosvenor cause at Westminster Hall, having a Bardolphian nose, Counsellor Dunning, thinking to embarrass him, began with, " Now you, Mr. with the copper nose, now you are sworn, what have you to say?" — " Why, by the oath I have sworn," replied he, " I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face." John Lee. 476. The retort courteous was fully experienced by the celebrated counsellor Jack Lee, on the north- ern circuit; for being engaged in cross-examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, he began with " Well, Mar} r , if I may credit what I hear, I may venture to address you by the name of Black Moll." — " Faith, may you, Maister Lawyer," said she ; " for I am always called &o by the blackguards." Hon. Thomas (now Lord) Erskine. 477. When Mr. Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey, for high-treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it 164 LEGAL. to his counsel : — " Mr. Erskine, I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it, " If you do, you'll be hanged." To which Mr. Thehvall immediately returned this reply, " Then I'll be hanged if I do." 478. In the Court of King's Bench, a witness, named Lincoln, was called to prove a hand-writing ; and, having looked at the paper some time without speaking, Mr. Erskine exclaimed, " Well, sir, what is your belief? Don't let the devil overlook Lincoln^ but give us your belief of the hand-writing." The wit- ness, with great composure, turned round and said, " I did not observe, sir, that you were looking over me ; and, as for the hand- writing, I can form no judgment of it." The court was convulsed with laughter. Mr. (now Baron) Graham. 479. A case was, some years since, argued before the court of chancery, in which there was some dis- pute about the age of a woman, whom Counsellor Graham (now the baron) had stated to be five and forty, rather against evidence. The master of the rolls disputing a little the position of Mr. Graham, the latter said, " Vik lay you a bottle — I beg your honour's pardon, I really forgot where I was." Mr. Ming ay. 480. Counsellor Mingay, after he had retired from practice, being one day in company, where the un- certainty of the law became the topic of conversa? tion, he was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, " If any man was to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a law-suit, he should certainly have it ; lest, in de- fending my coat, I should, too late, find that 1 was deprived of my waistcoat also." LEGAL. 165 Mr. (now Bauon) Wood. 481. The present Mr. Baron Wood, who, before his elevation to the bcneli, was an eminent speeial pleader, one evening graced the boxes of Drury- iane theatre, to see Macbeth. When the hero ques- tions the witches what they are doing, they answer, " A deed without a name.'' Our counseller, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching the actors words, repeated, M A deed without a name — why 'tis 482. Some nights after, he made a similar comment at the representation of Othello, when the general was so loudly crying out, " My handkerchief, my handkerchief;" he observed, that if it had been pick- ed out of Desdemona's pocket, Mrs. Litchfield might be indicted as a principal felon, and Cooke as a re- ceiver of stolen goods.' 7 Mr. (now Sir Willtam) Gakrow. 483. A witness in the court of King's Bench being cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, that learned gentle- man asked him if he was not a fortune-teller. 4 ' I am not," answered the witness; ''but if every one had his due, I should have no difficulty 7 in telling your for- tune." — " Well, fellow," says Mr. Garrow, " pray what is to be my fortune ?" — " Why, sir," rejoined the witness, u I understand you made your first speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is probable that you will make your last speech there." Lord Kcnyon told the witness, angrily, " That he would commit him." — " I hope," answered he, " your lordship will not commit yourself." 484. Mr. Garrow, examining a witness, asked him what his business was : he answered, " A dealer in old iron." — " Then," said the counsel, " You must of course be a thief."-—" I don't see/' replied the wit- 166 LEGAL, ness, li why a dealer in iron must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in brass." 485. In the course of a trial in the King's Bench, Mr. Garrow, in examining a corpulent witness, ob- served, i( You gentlemen millers seem to thrive bet- ter than we do at the bar." — " Yes," replied the wit- ness,, " because we sleep better/' — " Why so !? con- tinued Mr. Garrow. " Because/' said the miller, " we have clearer consciences, I take it." 486. Mr. Garrow, in examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the defendant very ill language ; if he did not call him a rascally Scotch cobler, and utter other words so bad, that he, the learned counsel, had not impudence enough to repeat them : she replied in the affirmative. " Will, you, madam, be kind enough, then," said he, " to tell the court what these words were V — " Why, sir," re- plied she, " ifyowhave not impudence enough to speak them, how can you suppose that I have." Mr. Dauncey. 487. At the Stafford assizes, Mr. Dauncey, in cross- examining a simple country fellow, asked him, if he did know how much money such a person had in his pocket when he went from home ? " No, sir," said the lad. " Look at me/' said the counsel, " you arc upon your oath : will you say that you do not know?" — " : Yes, sir. Now," said the fellow, " look at me, sir : can you tell how much money I've got m my pocket I" Mr. Baldwin. 488. Mr. Baldwin, who left the bar for the secre- tary of state's office, having one day been employed to oppose a person justifying bail in the court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place ques- LEGAL. 167 tions, was getting" a little aground, when a waggish counsellor behind whispered him ie interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner in the Gloucester jail. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, " When, sir, were you last in Gloucester iail? ? ' The bail, a reputable tradesman, with aston- ishment declared, that he never was in a jail in his life. Mr. Baldwin insisted that he had beeii a pri- soner at Gloucester : but, being able to get nothing out of him, he turned round to his friendly brother, and asked for what the man had been imprisoned. The answer was, u For suicide \ n Without hesitation he then questioned him thus : " Now, sir, I ask you, upon your oath, and remember that I shall have \our words taken down, was you not imprisoned in Glou- cester jail for the crime of suicide?'' Eight Hon, Henry Dundas (afterwards Lord Melville.) 489. The late Lord Melville, when Lord Advocate of Scotland, arguing a case before the court of session, and wishing to establish perjury in a female witness who had been examined under a commission, by an inferior clerk of the court, thus concluded his ha- rangue : — " I trust I have satisfied your lordships, that this base woman has perjured herself, not only in pre- sence of Almighty God, but, what is more, in presence of David Murray, your lordship's commissioner." Right Hon. John Philpot Curran. 490. Lord E , who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr, Curran in Dublin, the latter said, " When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment 7 " — " When you place your tongue on the civil list/' was the reply. 491. Mr. Curran, it is well known, had brought his action, for crim. con. with his frail rib, against a clergyman, named Sandys, a frequent guest at his 168 LEGAL. table, and a favourite familiar in his house. In this action he succeeded; and, although he never fol- lowed up the decision by suing for a divorce, he ef- fectually established the identity of his own antlers. Some time after this occurrence, he was employed for some combining journeymen carpenters, prose- cuted for a conspiracy, riot, and assault, upon cer- tain other chopsticks, who were considered, by the journeyman's club, as unlawful men ; and, while cross-examining one of the prosecutors, who had been suddenly dubbed a master-carpenter, and was a simple-looking country fellow, he put to him a num- ber of puzzling questions, and amongst others — " You say, friend, you were a journeyman carpenter about a month ago, and you are now a master ; I. should be glad to know from you by what particular process a journeyman carpenter is hatched into a master." The witness, with a vacant stare, said — He did not un- derstand the question. Mr. Curran continued — " 111 be glad to know, fellow, what difference you feel in yourself now from what you had when you were a journeyman ; have you more teeth than you used to have ? The witness, after a short pause, with a' stare of simplicity, full in the barrister's face, an- swered. "No, in troth, sir; nor more horns neither." This was a hit too palpable to be parried ; and the reply, after some confusion, was, ct You may go down, fellow ; I shall ask yen no more questions." 492. Mr. Curran possessed perhaps a greater influ- ence over the feelings of his auditory than any other professor of forensic eloquence ever did, and has been frequently known, by the pathetic force of his ora- tory, and the inexhaustible fund of his wit and re- sistless humour, to keep the juries whom he address- ed alternately in tears and laughter, during the course of a trial ; and yet, like other great wits, he has been frequently put down by an unexpected repartee from the most simple of those witnesses whom he LEGAL. }69 endeavoured to badger by cross examination. In an important cause, where a country schoolmaster, named Liily, was a principal witness, and had given his direct testimony with all due graviiy, arrayed m all the graces of syntax and prosody, Mr. Outran proceeded to cross-examine the witness, and began, with a f'amilar nod and an arch look, in the first sen- tence of Cordery's Colloquies, u Salve,, C/audi." The schoolmaster immediately answered, tk Sis > tu quoque salvus BemarcU" This unexpected answer com- pletely disarmed the barrister, and produced a ge- neral laugh at his expense. 493. Mr. Curran, being one day counsel for the pro- secution of a reputable young tradesman, brought forward by some military officers, for a violent as- sault in the box-lobby of the theatre, three of whom had heroically drawn their swords upon him; and,, although he had no other weapon than a walking- stick, he contrived in his defence to cudgel the he- roes pretty soundly, and break their swords into the bargain ; Mr. Digges, son of the celebrated trage- dian, was a witness for the defence, and was cross- examined by Mr. Curran. The interrogation was of some length, and was a neat dialogue of quart and tierce ; for though the witty barrister practised ail his ingenuity, and attacked the witness in every way, rough and smooth, he was foiled at every longe by the cool Digges, who was not to be disconcerted. At last, defeated at all points, he says, A And so, Mr. Digges, you venture to swear positively, in the face of this court, that this amiable, mild, and inof- fensive Mend of yours — this murky ruffian, after ob- truding into the boxes with his greasy breeches, his dirty boots, and his bludgeon, be tore he knocked down this gentleman, received a most tremendous pin scratch upon his ring finger, that put him to ex- cruciating torture ? eh ?" — " That is your version of the evidence, sir, and not mme.£* saki Ml Q 170 LEGAL. Bigges. " Come, come, Mr. Digges, remember where you are, sir; you are a sensible man; eon- duct yourself with decorum to this court; remember it is no place for displaying your witticisms: but answer my question. Did you not say this gutter bully, your friend, received the first a-sault, in a tremendous pin scratch upon his right finger, that warranted him in the attempt to knock out this gen- tleman's brains with his cudgel V 9 — " Sir/ 7 answered Digges, " I hope I know my respect to this court. I did not come here to display wit against truth : I am aware it becomes rather my duty to oppose truth against wit. I said my friend received the first wound on his left hand little finger. I have heard it was a fiddle finger, but never a ring finger. I said it was a wound and not a scratch, inflicted with a broadsword, and not a pin ; and though it was not so deep as a draw-well, nor so wide as a church-door, it would do to warrant a man repelling such an at- tack, in the best way he could. As to the brahis of the gentleman, they were out of the question : I said nothing about them, nor did I think there was a pro- bability of his having any." Mr. Curran asked no more questions. Mr. Colbeck. 494. The veteran Cousellor Colbeck one day cross-examining a country-fellow, as a witness, ariked him, in several ways, what he thought a particular person to be, from his own knowledge, hearsay, or belief; but could extract no other answer than that He did not know, and could not tell. — " Come, fellow,* said the counsellor, " answer me on your oath : what would you take me to be, if you did not actually know my person, and should meet me in the street?" — "Why then," says the fellow, "since you ask me, I will tell you, sir. By vartue of my oath, if you had not that wig and gown upon you, I should take you for a little ould Jew pedlar." The LEGAL. 171 learned counsellor was silenced at so palpable a hit at his personal appearance. Mr. M'Mahom. 495. A Counsellor M'Mahon had once a client of his own country, who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife married again in his absence, for which he was resolved to prosecute her; and, coming to advise with the counsellor, he told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. *' Arrah, by my shoul, that shall be impossible," said the other; " for my shipmates are all gone to sea again, upon a long voyage, and shan't return this twelvemonth." — " Oh, then," answered the counsellor, " there can be no- thing done in it ; and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive." Mr. Egan. 496. The late Counsellor Egan, who was what is called a determined Jire-eater 9 being one day engaged in a criminal prosecution against a gentleman, for sending a challenge to another, who had called him a liar and a scoundrel, was very elaborate in his argu-* ments against the immoral and sanguinary practice of duelling, and decried, with much vehemence, the temerity of the defendant, which could not be justi- fied by any provocation in words, however contume- lious, even the terms of liar and scoundrel. " And pray, Mr. Egan," said Judge Tinucane, " what would you have done, if tbe plaintiff had called you by such names?" — u Done,'* answered Egan, quite oif his guard, " by the living God, I would have di- lacerated him upon the spot." Sir William Addington. 497. On Sir William Addington's quitting his situ- ation as chief magistrate of the Bow-street office, th$ Q 2 3 72 LEGAL. following paragraph appeared in a morning paper :— " Sir W. Addington retires from the practice of the law, to devote his hours to the study of it." Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 498. An attorney, in Dean Swift's company, gave himself great liberties of conversation with him. At length this impudent limb of the law asked the dean, " Supposing doctor, that the parsons and the devil should litigate a cause, which party do you think would gain it?" — " The devil, no doubt," replied the dean ; as he would have all the lawyers on his side;" 499. An attorney brought an action against a farmer for having called him a rascally lawyer. An <>ld husbandman, being a witness, was asked if he heard the man call the plaintiff" a lawyer? u I did," was the reply. " Pray," says the judge, " what is your opinion of the import of that word ?" — w There can be no doubt of that," replied the fellow. " Why, good man, " said the judge, " there is no dishonour in the name, is there?"— " I know nothing about that," answered he; "but this I know, if any man called me a lawyer I'd knock him down." — " Why, sir," said the judge, pointing to one of the counsel, u that gentleman is a lawyer, and that, and that, and I too am a lawyer. 7 ' — " No, no, replied the fellow ; no, my lord: you area judge, I know; but I'm sure you are no lawyer T 500. A lady asked an old uncle, who had been an attorney, but who had left off business, what were the requisites for going to law ; to which he replied : * Why, niece, it depends upon a number of circum- stances. In the first place, you must have a good cause. Secondly a good attorney. Thirdly, a good counsel. Fourthly, good evidence. Fifthly, a good jury. Sixthly, a good judge. And lastly, good tuck?'' MEDICAL, 173 CHAP VI. MEDICAL. Sir John Tabor. 501. When Sir John Tabor went to Versailles, to try the effects of bark upon Louis the Fourteenth's only son, the dauphin, who had been long ill of an in- termitting fever, the physicians who were about the prince did not chuse to permit him to prescribe to their royal patient till they had asked him some me- dical questions: among others, they desired him to define what an intermitting fever was. He replied, " Gentlemen, it is a disease which I can cure, and which you cannot." Dr. Radcliffe, 502. Dr. Mead, when very young, consulted Dr. Radcliife, on the means of rising in his profession. • * There are two ways of doing so," replied that sa- gacious and extensive practitioner, " by bullying, or by cajoling mankind, I have bullied them, and done very well, as you see ; you perhaps will cajole them, and that may do full as well." 503. A paviour, to whom Dr. Radcliffe was indebt- ed, after many fruitless attempts caught him just getting out of his chariot at his own door, in Blooms- bury-square, and demanded the payment of his bill. 4< What, you rascal," said the doctor, " do you pre- tend to be paid for such a piece of work ? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work !" — " Doctor, doc- tor," said the paviour, u mine is not the only bad Q 3 3/4 MEDICAL. Work that the earth hides !" — " You dog," said the doctor, " you are a wit ; you must be poor, come in" — and he paid him his demand. 504. Dr. Radcliffe was remarkable for a sudden thought in extraordinary cases : he was once sent for into the country to a gentleman who was dangerously ill of a quinsy ; and the doctor soon perceived that no application, internal or external, would be of any service; upon which he desired the lady of the house to order the cook to make a large hasty-pudding; and when it was done, to let his own servant bring it up. While the cook was about it, he takes his man aside, and instructs him what he is to do. In a short time the man brings up the pudding in great order, and sets it on the table, in full view of the patient. " Come, John," said he, " you love hasty-pudding*, -eat some along with me, for I believe you came out without your breakfast." Both began with their spoons, but John's spoon going twice to his master's once, the doctor takes occasion to quarrel with him, and dabs a spoonful of hot pudding in his face ; John resents it, and throws another at his master. This puts the doctor in a passion ; and, quitting his spoon, he takes the pudding up by handfuls, and throws it at his man ; who battles him again in the same manner, till they were both in a most woeful pickle. The patient, who had a full -view of the skirmish, was so tickled at the fancy, that he burst into a laughter, which broke the quinsy, and cured him, for which the doctor and his man were well re- warded. 505. A gentleman, who was affected with a con- stant rheum in his eyes, waited on Dr. Radcliffe lor his advice. r i he doctor prescribed, and desired him, of all things to leave off drinking wine. In the course of a few weeks, the gentleman experienced the good effect of the prescription, and thought he MEDICAL. 175 could not do less than call on the doctor to return him thanks. He was not a little surprised to find him in a tavern, and very merry over a bottle of wine, with a friend, notwithstanding his eyes were affected with the same disease he had just removed. " Well," said the gentleman, " I see you doctors don't follow your own prescriptions." The son of JEsculapius knew in an instant what he meant, and made this ob- servation : " If you love your eyes better than wine, don't drink it ; but as I love wine better than my, eyes, I drink it," 506. Amongst the many faceti& related of Dr. Radcliffe, it has been noticed, that when he was in a convivial party he was very unwilling to leave it, even though sent for by persons of the highest distinction. Whilst he was thus deeply engaged at a tavern, a per- son called in order to get him to visit his wife, who Was dangerously ill ; but no entreaties could prevail on the disciple of JEsculapius to postpone his sacrifice to Bacchus. Enraged at the doctor's obstinacy, the man, who was very strong, took him up in his arms, and carried him oft in spite of his resistance. Rad- cliffe was at first much enraged, particularly as the circumstance excited much laughter amongst the spectators. Having cooled a little, however, before he wns set dowii, he listened to the apology of the husband, who excused himself for his rudeness by extreme illness of his wife : he then exclaimed with an oath, in his usual manner, " Now, you impudent dog, I'll be revenged of you, for I'll cure your wife." 507. Attending an intimate friend in a dangerous illness, Dr. Radcliffe declared, in an unusual strain of generosity, that he would not take a fee. At last, when the cure was complete, and the physician was taking his leave, " I have put every day's fee," said the patient, " in this purse, my dear doctor; nor must your goodness get the better of my gratitude." 176 MEDICAL. The doctor eyed the purse, counted the days of his attendance in a moment; and then extending his hand by a kind of professional mechanical motion, replied •. " Well, I can hold out no longer : single I could have refused the guineas ; but, all together, they are irresistible," 508. Dr. Radcliffe used to threaten some of his brethren of the faculty — That he would leave the whole mystery of physic behind him, written on half a sheet of paper. Sir Samuel Garth. 509. Sarah, Dutchess of Marlborough, once press- ing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth, said, " I'll be hanged if it does not prove ser- viceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaim#d, " Do take v it then, my lord duke, for it must be of use one way or the other." Dr. Woodward. 510. Dr. Woodward and Dr. Mead had frequent altercations, which at length produced a rencontre. They both drew, but Mead, not loving cold iron, was retreating, when Woodward making a false step, fell down. His antagonist then ran in, and standing over him, demanded if he would submit, and ask his life. " If you threatened me with your physic" said Woodward, " I might beg my life ; but I certainly shall not ask it for fear of your sword. Dr. Cheyne. 511. Doctors Cheyne and Tadlow were exceed- ingly corpulent men, but the last was by much the largest. Cheyne coming into a coffee-house one morn- ing, and observing Tadlow alone and pensive, asked him what occasioned his melancholy ? " Cheyne," says he, " I have a very serious thought come athwart ine : I am considering how the people will be able tp MEDICAL. 177 get you and I to the grave, when we die/' — " Why/ 7 says Cheyne, " six or eight stout fellows may take sue there at once ; but it is certain that you must be carried at twice." Dr. Ward. 512. An old woman having consulted Doctor Ward, he prescribed for her: in a few days She waited on him again, and in a piteous tone told him, that his prescription had no effect. The doctor look- ed at her, and after a pause, said, " You should drink a glass of gin?'' — " Sol do, sir/' — " You should drir>k a second." — ■" So I do, sir, and a third and a fourth/' — -" Why, you old beldam/' cried the doctor in a passion, :" how can you expect that my medicine should do you any good, when you take so much pains to counteract it 1" Dr. Case. 513. Dr. Majendie of Canterbury, Dr. Radcliffe, and Dr. Case, once passing a very jovial evening to- gether, " Here, brother," cried Radcliffe, " here, brother Case, suppose we drink a health to all the fools that are your patients/' — " I thank you, my wise brother Radcliffe/' replied Case ; "let me have all the fools, and you are heartily welcome to the rest of the practice." Dr. Rock. 514. As Doctor Rock was standing at his door on Ludgate-Hill, a regular bred physician passed, who had learning and abilities, but not the success in his practise which he deserved. u How comes it," says he to the quack, " that you, without education, skill, or the least knowledge of the science, are enabled to live in the style you do ? you keep your town-house, your carriage, and your country-house ; whilst /, al- lowed to possess some knowledge, have neither, and can scarcely pick up a subsistence.' , — " Why, look 178 MEDICAL. you/' said Rock, smiling, " how many people do yoti think have passed us since you asked me the ques- tion?" — "Why," answered the doctor, "perhaps a hundred/' — " And how many out of that hundred, think you, possess common sense?" — " Possibly one," answered the doctor. " Then/' said Rock, " that one comes to you, and I take care to get the other nine- ty-nine." Dr. Barrowby. 515. The late Dr. Barrowby interested himself very much in favour of Sir George Vandeput, who was no- minated in opposition to the court party. At this pe- riod the doctor had for some weeks attended the noted Joe Weatherby, master of the Ben Jonson's Head, in Russel-street, Coven t-garden, who had been greatly emaciated by a nervous fever. During the Doctor's visits, the patient's wife, not knowing that gentle- man's political attachment, had frequently express- ed her uneasiness that her Joey could not get up and vote for her good friend Lord Trentham. Towards the end of the election, when very uncommon means were used on both sides to obtain the suffrages of the people, the doctor, calling one morning on his patient, to his great astonishment, found him up and almost dressed by the nurse and her assistants. " Hey-day ! what's the cause of this ?" exclaims Barrowby, " why should you get out of bed without my directions?" — " Dear doctor," says poor old Joey, in broken ac- cents, " I am going to poll/' — " To poll ! replies the doctor with great warmth, (supposing that he es- poused the same side that his wife did), " going to the devil you mean I W'hy do you not know that the cold air must destroy you? Get to bed, man ; get to bed as feist as you can, or immediate death may issue." — " Oh, sir ! if that be the case," returns the patient, in faultering accents, " to be sure I must act as you advise me ; but I love my country, sir, and thought, while my wife was out, to seize this opportu^ MEDICAL. 179 nity to go to Co vent-gar den church, and vote for Sir George Vandeput." — " How, Joey, for Sir George !" 9 Yes, sir, I wish him heartily well. 7 ' — " Do you ?" says the medical politician. Hold ! nurse ; don't pull off his stockings again ; let me feel his pulse. Hey ! very well ; a good firm stroke ; this will do ; you took the pills I ordered last night?" — " Yes, doc- tor; but they made me very sick/ 7 — " Aye, so much the better. How did your master sleep, nurse?" — " O charmingly, sir," replies the nurse. — " Did he? Well, if his mind be uneasy about this election, he must be indulged ; diseases of the mind greatly af- fect those of the body. Come, come, throw a great coat or blanket about him ; it is a fine day ; but the sooner he goes the better ; the sun will be down very soon. Here, here, lift him up ; a ride will do him good: he shall go to the hustings in my chariot." The doctor was directly obeyed, and poor Joe Wea- therby was carried in the chariot to the place of poll, where he gave his voice according to his conscience ; and, two hours after his medical friend had left him at his own house, he absolutely departed this life, load- ed with the reproaches of his beloved wife and the court party. Dr. Euchan. 516. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case : accordingly, he one day took an opportunity of asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint. " I'll tell >ou/' said the doctor, sarcastically ; " you should take advice" Dr. Monsey. 517. Dr. Monsey once going along Oxford-market, observed a poor woman at a butcher's shop, asking the price of a fine piece of beef. The brute answer*- ISO MEDICAL. ed the woman, " One penny a pound/' thinking, no doubt, it was too good for her. " Weigh that piece of beef/' said the doctor. " Ten pounds and a half,'' said Mr. Butcher. ? Here, good woman/' cried the doctor, * hold up your apron, and take that beef home to your family." — " God bless your honour !" — - " Go off directly— home : no compliments ! Here, Mr. Butcher," says the doctor, " give me change out of this shilling for that poor woman's beef." — f< What do you mean,, sir \V replied the butcher." Mean, sir ! why to pay for the poor woman's beef what you asked her, a penny a pound. Come, make haste, and give me three halfpence; I am in a hurry.*' — " Why, sir, n said the butcher. " No why sirs with me,' ? says the doctor, " give me my change instantly, or I will break your head." The butcher again began to expostulate, and the doctor struck him with all his force with his cane. A number of butchers had by this time gathered around him. The doctor told the story, and they could not refrain from laughing at their brother steel. The butchcB vowed he would summon the doctor before the court of conscience. The latter gave the man his address, but never got his change, or heard any more of him. 518. The windows of the apartments of this eccen- tric character, who was for half a century physician to Chelsea Hospital, looked into the college court and walks. When he had arrived at a very advanced age, many members of the faculty, who thought this situation extremely desirable, and the doctor literally an incumbent, most naturally looked forward to the termination of his existence ; and the applications to the minister to succeed Dr. Mousey were innumera- ble. Indeed, in consequence of their ardent hopes of the place, the court of. Chelsea college used to be the favourite walk of the medical candidates. Here they were wont to enjoy themselves in the contempla- tion of the advantages of the situation, its vicinity to MEDICAL. 3 81 the metropolis, and the beauty of the surrounding - scenery.— -Coach-houses gratis, and a hundred other agremens, h ad eertain ly their due wei gh t •; while "the doctor, sitting at his window, used to enjoy his owii thoughts, and smile at their presumption. One day, this humourist saw, from his observatory, a physician, accompanied by his friend, who were taking a survey of the spot. The friend was pointing out to the can- didate the pleasant situation of the medical apart- ments, and enumerating the various advantages of the college residence. As Mousey was fond of teizing, he immediately descended. A few words served for his introduction ; when, turning to the physician, he said, " So, sir, I find you are one of the candidates to succeed me/' The physician bowed, and he proceeded. " But you will be confoundedly disappointed." — " Disappointed !" said the physician, with quivering lips. " Yes/' returned Dr. M. * you expect to outlive me, but I can discern from your countenance, and other concomitant circumstances, that you are deceiving^ yourself — you will certainly die first ; though, as I have nothing to expect from that event, I shall not rejoice at your death, as I am persuaded you would at mine/' This was actually the case : the candidate lived but a short time. But, to return to the doctor: he was so diverted with checking the aspiring bopes of his brethren of the faculty, that whensoever he saw a physician on the look out, he used to go down and comfort him in the like manner. He had done so to several, and what is very extraordinary, his prognostications were in every instance verified: the medical speculators shrunk aghast from Chelsea.; so that, at the death of Dr. Mousey, the minister was not engaged by a sin- gle promise, nor had for some time had a single, ap- plication for the place of physician to the college., 519. Sir Robert Walpole often played billiarjds with his neighbour Dr. Monsey, who was much his R 182 Medical, superior at the game. " How happens it," said Sis Robert one day, " that nobody beats me at billiards .but you, doctor V'-*?" Because," said Monsey, " they play for* 'places ; I only for a dinner and praise ." 620. Dr. Reid, well known by his medical re- ports in the Monthly Magazine, was requested by a lady of literary eminence to call at her house. " Be sure you recollect the address," said she, "as she quitted the room, " No. 1, Chesterfield street."-— " Madam," said the doctor, " I am too great an ad- mirer of politeness, not to remember Chesterfield, and I fear too selfish ever to forget number one" 52 h The same gentleman was once in company Where a discussion took place on the merits of a 'phy- sician (since deceased), who was considered a very prosing writer ; the gentleman happened to be pre- sent whose task it was to put the doctor's works in a dress fit to appear before the public, and one of the company took occasion to remark, how much they were indebted to his revision and care. " Indeed," said the man of letters, " you make too great account of my share in the business ; I do but, little; I some- times expunge a word or a sentence, and sometimes put a crania, or a semicolon where they are wanted." — " If you are intrusted with so much power, sir/" said Dr. Reid, " I sincerely hope you will soon put a full stop to them." Dr. Harrington. 522. A vain old country surgeon once calling upon Dr. Harrington, of Bath, told him with great exulta- tion, that he had obtained a diploma to practise phy- sic. The doctor asked if the form of a diploma now ran in ihe same style as at the early commencement ©f those honours. u Pray, what might that be?" said the surgeon. " I'll give it you," replied our Galen; when, stepping to his daughter/s harpsichord, he MEPICAL. 183 played and sung the following prophecy of the witches to Macbeth:— . ** He must, he must, He shall, he shall, Spill much more blood, And become worse, To make his title good.*' 4i That, sir" added he, " was the ty«e ancient snode of conferring a Scotch degree on doctor Mac- beth." Dr. Walcot, 623. A patient of some distinction was tea2irig Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and though he had nothing scarcely to complain of, told him that he fre- quently had an itching, and begged to know what he should do. " Scratch yourself, sir," replied Peter ; which laconic advice lost him his patient. Dr. Zimmerman. 524., During the last illness of the great King of Prussia, Dr. Zimmerman attended on his majesty. The warlike monarch in merry humour accosted his physician—" Well, doctor, I suppose you have Iielp'd many into the other world." — " Not so many," replied Zimmerman, u as your majesty, nor with so much honour to myself." Mr. (now Sir William) Blizard. 525. Mr. Blizard, the surgeon, being ill of a fever, several of his profession made interest with the go- vernors of the London Hospital to succeed him. Blizard recovering, and meeting some time after witli one of these surgeons at a coffee-house, the latter l>e- gan to apologize for his having solicited, urging that it was no more than what was customary, where an hospital physician or surgeon was supposed to be in danger.— ■"" Sir," said Blizard, " if you will forgiv*- me Imng, I will forgive you soliciting. K 2 -■184 MEDICAL. ■M - -•:. '. • i :■'■-. Mp^SR. PftTiJv ... ■ ; ■ 526. "As your skill 'in your profession is so great/' said a person to Mr. Petit, the celebrated French anatomist, "why do you not cure all the diseases of the human hq4y.?"— " My skill may be great/' re- plied Mr. Petit ; " but ..unfortunately we anatomists are like the porters of Paris, who are well acquainted with all the streets, but are ignorant ol what is pass- ing in the houses. 7 ' Mr. Scanlon. 527. During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from hav- ing fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous yarlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, who was a respectable apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in Jhis house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded in the king's name/that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon immediately produced them ; ♦adding— that as they were useless without th&gestles, these also were at his majesty's service. c Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 528. A gentleman who canvassed for a surgeoncy &t,the Bristol infirmary, waited upon a grocer who happened to be a subscriber, and, making his bow, as is usual on these occasions, said— 44 Sir, 1 have taken the liberty of troubling you, to request that you 3Fonld ; — -," at which moment perceiving, by the stem brow of the grocer, that lie was about to receive U.piump. refusal, with great promptitude the applicant ..changed his tone, and instead of soliciting his vote, ended his sentence with " weigh me a pennyworth c£ plumbs VI .and laid the money on the counter. 520. .A .surgeon feeing sent, for to a gentleman who .had just received a slight wound in a duel, gave or- ders to his servant to go home with all possible speed medical. 3r85 and fetch a certain plaster. The patient, turning a little pale, said,—" Sir, I hope there is no danger."— * Yes, indeed is there/' answered the surgeon ; " for if the fellow don't make haste, the wound will heal before he returns." 530. A physician who was fond of the chase, being asked how he came to send all his patients to Bristol, Bath or Tunbridge, when past recovery, said — that it was only in the field that he wished to be in at the fleqtk. 531. It is well known that the veterans who pre- side at the examination of surgeons, sometimes ques- tion minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous enquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profused perspiration what he would prescribe. He mentioned many dia- phoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful examiner thus continued : u Pray, sir, suppose none of these succeeded, what step would you take next V — "Why sir/' enjoined the enraged and harassed young Esculapins, " I would send him here to be examined; and if that would not give" him a sweat, I do not know what would." 632. A legislator desirous of binding the people in iron chains, enacted laws without number. In the interim, he fell sick, and his physician prescribed for him innumerable medicines. " Why is this pro- fusion of physic f cried the patient. " To restore you to health/' was the reply. u But, amidst so many remedies, may not some destroy the effect of others 1" — " Pardon me, sir, it was my intention to treat your malady in the same manner in which you treat the state." 533. A physician being sent for to a lady, asked R 3 : 186 - MEDICAL.. her the usual questions ; as, whether she eat pretty hearty? " Very much so:*'— "Did she sleep well?" " Extremely well :" and many other questions, to all pf which he received answers which shewed that the lady was in perfect health, only a little fanciful. " Well, madam," said he, departing, " I will en- deavour to prescribe something' to remove all these symptoms." 534. A quaker apothecary meeting Dr. Fothergill, thus accosted him: "friend Fothergill, I intend dining with thee to-day."— " I shall be glad to see thee," answered the doctor.' " 1 intend bringing my family, with me," says the apothecary. " So much the better," quoth the doctor. "But pray, friend, hast thou not some joke?" — *■' No joke indeed," rejoined . the apothecary,, " but a very serious matter. Thou - hast attended friend Ephraim these three days, and ordered him no. medicine. 1 cannot at this rate live , in my own house, and must live in thine." . The doctor took the hint, and prescribed handsomely for the benefit of his friend Ephraim, and his friend . Leech tie apothecary, , 535. When Sir Walter Farquhar was created a baronet, a friend sent him a volume of Shakespeare, containing the first part of Henry IV.; in which he Jiad doubled down the page, where Falstaif solilo- quizes over' the dead body of Sir Wither Blount, and with his pencil had scored under these words — /'Can honour mend an arm? No, — Or set a leg? "No'j-rr-H&tiour hath no skill in surgery then ? No. — I like not such grinning Honour as Sir Walter hath:' 536. An apothecary having refused to resign his seat to an officer's lady, the officer feeling himself much insulted, sent him a challenge: the apothe- cary was punctual at the meeting, but observed, that having never b^en accustomed to fire, he had to MEDICAL. 187 propose a new way of settling the dispute. He then drew from his pocket a pill-box, and taking from thence two pills, thus addressed his antagonist: " As a man of honour you certainly would not wish to fight me on unequal terms, now here are two pills, one composed of the most deadly poison, the other perf ctly harmless, we are therefore on equal ground if we each swallow one — lake your choice." It is needless to add, that the affair was settled by a hearty laugh. 537. Dr. M — d coming out of Tom's coffee-house, a poor apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas. "Sir/ 7 said the doctor, " I am surprised that you should apply to me for such a favour, who do ret know you." — " O, dear Sir," replied the apothecary, '-'it is for that very reason ; for those who do, will not ler.d me a farthing/' 538. A physician being sent to a very whimsical old lady, having felt her pulse, and finding her in a high fever, asked her how old she was. She replied, " eighty;*' "and pray how much longer would you live?" said he, and immediately quitted the room. 539. In a dispute concerning the superiority of man over the brute creation, and wherein that supe- riority consisted, a gentleman contended, that it con- sisted in the power of ratiocination, and of drawing inferences from premises; while his opponent, who was a physician, insisted, that animals possessed the same power. When the company broke up, the lat- ter gentleman went to visit a patient, who was a •painter, of the name of Wiseman. In the course of conversation, the physician adverted to the patient's trade, and took notice how well the sign over his house-door was painted ; and asked him, whether he thought he should be able, when recovered, to 188 MEDICAL. draw some curious object for him? " O yes, Sir," answered Wiseman : " I can draw any thing." " Pray," said the doctor, " can you draw an infer- ence?"-— "Why no doctor,'' replied he, "I do not think I can/* Returning from his visit, he overtook a brewer's dray, the fore-horse of which was remark- ably strong and beautiful. " You have a very fine horse there, friend,'* said the doctor, " he seems to draw extremely well.*' "Aye, sir, that he does;" said the man, " he will draw any thing." — " Pray," returned the doctor, " do you think he could draw an inference?" Lord bless you, he can daw a thou- sand," answered the drayman. The next time the doctor met his patient, " Well, sir,*' says he, " I think you wiH now allow me to have established my argument, as I have met with a wise man who could not draw an inference, and with a dray-horse who could draw a thousand." 540. A lady consulted a physician of eminence, on account of some rheumatic pains and a troublesome cough which she laboured under in a severe winter. The doctor accordingly wrote a prescription which w,as sent by the footman to the apothecary's, as usuaL The young gentlemen who were employed as dis- pensers, read it with a smile, and recommended the messenger to take it to a haberdasher's on the opposite side of the street, as apothecaries did not keep the articles prescribed ; upon which the footman enquired what the doctor bad ordered, when he was informed by the young iEsculapians, that the pre- scription ran thus: "Take — a good warm vdouble Scotch shawl, and apply it immediately round the shoulders and chest: add also, secundum ariem, a i>tout Welch flannel petticoat," 541. A prince having asked his physician how much 4aily food was required to nourish and support the MEDICAL. 189 body, the physician replied, " One pound of food will support one man ; should he take more, the man will. support the food." ,542. A certain physician, when he visited his rich and luxurious patients, always went into their kitchens, and shook hands wi.h their cooks. "My good friends," said he, * k 1 owe )ou much, for yen confer great favours upon me. Your skill, and your ingenious and palatable art of poisoning, enables us medical men to ride in our carriages; without your assistance we should go on foot and be starved." 543. A celebrated surgeon was called upon by a gentleman to attend a friend in the country. The gentleman offered to carry him to the place. — ft By what conveyance ?"— '• 1 wil, take you down in a gig. 7 ' "I am much obliged to you," said ;he wary dis- ciple of zhseulapius, " but i deenne your offer, as I have at this moment half a dozen gig patients under my care." 544. A medical gentleman observing a lady in a very ill state of health, stepping out of a post-chaise, where a servant was scoum.g the doorway, politely assisted her, saying, " AI.u>\ me, madam, to prevent your kicking the bucket." 545. An apothecary being dejected during a very healthy season, was asked tbe reason. — " I bate good cause," said he, " to be ill, for all my friends are well" 546. A nabob in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he had suffered the pairs of the dainn'd, The doctor coolly rejoined " what already V . 647. A person, says an oriental writer, complained to a physician of the belly-ache. He asked what he 190 MEDICAL/ had eaten that day. The answer was, burnt bread. The physician prescribed an eye-water. The patient asking how that was to cure the cholic, the doctor answered, " You first require medicine for your eyes ; for if they had seen perfectly, you would not have eaten burnt bread." 548. All the teeth of a certain talkative lady being loose, she asked a physician the cause of it, who answered, " it proceeded from the violent shocks she gave them with her tongue." 649. A surgeon being examined as a witness for the plaintiff in a certain action of assault, was asked what he had found it necessary to do in consequence of the bruises he had received in the affray: " I bled Mm, sir," said the surgeon* " And pray was that neces- sary ?" asked the defendant's counsel. " Sir," replied he, " we always deem it necessary to do something when called in/' 560. A physician, much attached to his profession and his own skill, dining his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking his medicines and following his rules, ex- claimed in the pride of his heart, " Ah, my dear sir, now you deserve to be ill" Dr. Raocliffe. f>51. Sir Godfrey Kneller and Dr. RadchlSe lived next door to each other, and were extremely inti- mate. Kneller had a very fine garden; and as the doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it. RadciiftVs servants however gather- ing and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to infonn Mm that he would nail up the door; to which Rad- cMfte, in his rough manner, replied, ^Tell him, he; MEXHCAL. 1§1 irtay do any thing but paint it."—:" Wellf * replied Kneller, " he may say what he will ; tell him I will take any thing^from him except physic" Dr. Cheyne. 552. When the celebrated beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor coming to see bis patient, enquired if he had followed bis prescription. " No. faith, doctor/ 7 said Nash ; " if 1 had, I should have broke my neck, for I threw it out of a two pair of stairs window." Dr. Pitcairn. 553. Having been out a shooting one whole morn- ing without killing any thing, his servant begged leave lo go over into the next field, for he was sure there> were some birds there : " and," added lie, " if there are, 111 doctor them." — " Doctor them," said the master; " what do you mean by that?" — " Why, kill them, sir." Dr. Barrowby. 654. The profligate Doctor Barrowby, whose wit had too often a strong tincture of ill-nature, was one evening very hard upon Mr. Hill, an apothecary, who had been in great distress. Hill took no notice of him at first, but suffered him to ran on till he changed the subject, when among other things, the doctor mentioned his having been out of town for a week. " Aye," said Hill, " that was published in all the Saturday's papers."— " In what form?" says the doctor. '* Why, decreased in burials this week, one hundred and forty-four/' Dr. Thompson. 555. Dr. Thompson was a peculiar sloven, and, in the practice of a physician, an utter and declared enemy to muffins, which he always forbade his pa- tients. Being one day upon a visit to Eord M. the 192 MKniCAL. company were assembled at breakfast long before the doctor appeared: and, just as he entered the room, in an uncouth habit, Lord M. uncov red a plate of muffins, which Thompson fixing his eyes upon, with some indignation said, " My lord, did not I beseech 3'our lordship before, never to suffer a muffin in your house V To which his lordship archly replied, "Doc- tor, I am extremely fond of ail muffins', but raga- muffins." This pleasantry of the turn, at the doctor's expense, set the table in a roar. Dr. Duncan. 55f>. Three years ago, Dr. Constaneio, a young Portuguese, of very uncommon talents and know- ledge, after regularly studying at the university of Edinburgh, applied for a degree of doctor of medi- cine ; but his pen having rather severely, though per- liaps not unjustly, lashed the learned professors, they were pleased to refuse him a diploma. Next day Professor Duncan meeting a student, asked him when he meant to graduate ; to which the other an- swered, (a near relation of the professor, not over- burthened with science having passed the day be- fore,) ' ; Never ; I flatter myself I am, not sufficiently ignorant to be entitled to pass, 17 Sir Waltfr Farquhar. 557. Some years ago the numerous friends of the late Lord Melville were much alarmed for the valuable life of the right honourable gentleman, oh hearing that he was gone into the country for the benefit of his health, accompanied by Sir Walter Farquhar., To relieve their fears, a ministerial paper informed them, that Sir Waiter did not travel with Mr. Dundas as a physician but as & friend* Dr. Tronchin. 558. At the rehearsal of one of Voltaire's tragedies, as Mr. Cramer, bookseller at Geneva, (and the aiU MEDICAL, 1Q3 thor's own immediate publisher,) was finishing his part, which was to end with some dying sentences^ Voltaire, all-despotic over those he thought his de- pendents, cried out aloud — " Cramer, you lived like a prince in the four preceding acts, but in the fifth you die like a bookseller.' 7 Dr, Trdnchin, the Boer- haave of his age, being present, could not help, in kindness, interfering ; adding withal, € * Why, Mens, de Voltaire, can you expect gentlemen to be at the expense of dresses, and the fatigue of getting up such long parts, if 3011 thus upbraid them? On the con- trary, I think they all deserve the greatest encourage- ment at your hands ; and as to my friend Cramer, I declare, that, as far as I am a judge, he dies' with the same dignity as he lived, ' 7 Voltaire who detested advice or information from an inferior, (for an au- thor was, in his eye, beyond even an ^Esculapius, had he been living,) made this cool answer ; " Pr'y- thee, doctor, when you have got kings to kill, kill them in your own way; but let me kill mine as I please." Dr. Moriau. 559. M. Moriau, physician to the Dutchess of Bur- gundy, going one day to the prince's with a sword. was jocose upon his adjustment, and said, "Mon- seigneur, do not you think I resemble captain Spez- zaferro, of the Italian comedy?' 7 — " It is impossible to resemble him less/' answered the prince ; " Spez- zaferro never killed any body. 77 Chevalier Taylor. 560. When the celebrated Chevalier Taylor first set up his coach, he consulted with Foofe about the choice of a motto. " What are your arms ? 77 says the wit. " Three mallards, 77 cried the doctor. " Very good/ 7 said Foote, " why then the motto I would recommend to you is, Quack! Quack! Quack !" s 1Q4> MEDICAL. Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 561 . A physician at Newcastle being summoned t& a vestry, held in order to reprimand the sexton for the blunders ho had committed through drunkenness, dwelt so much upon the poor fellow's misconduct as to raise his choler, and draw from him this retort ; " Upon my word, sir, this is very ill-natured ; that you should be so eager to lay open all my. blunders, when I have so often covered yours. 7 ' 562. A. doctor who advertised his cure for the gout, was sent for by a rich patient. The servant an- nounced to his master, lying in bed, the arrival of the doctor. " I beard no carriage under my window," said the patient. — " Sir/' says the servant, " the doc- tor came on foot." — " What !'" exclaimed the angry patient, " cure the gout, and not keep Ms carriage I John, go and horsewhip the fellow/' 563. A physician, who lived in London, attended a lady, who lived in Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an apprehen- sion that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her account. " Oh, Madam I" replied the doctor, " I have another patient in this neighbour- hood, ami by that means, you know, I kill two birds with one stone. v — " Doctor/' replied the lady, " you are too good a shot for me/' and she accordingly dispensed with his further attendance. 564. A clergyman being deprived for nonconform- ity said, " it should cost an hundred men their lives." This alarming speech being reported, he was carried before a magistrate and examined, when he explained himself by saying, his meaning was, that " he intend- ed to practise physic." 565. The principal difference, said a celebrated MEDICAL. 1Q5 {aft, between a regular physician and a quack is— tkat you die under one, and the other Mils you. 566. A heretic in medicine bring" indisposed, his physician happened to cali. Being told that the doc- tor was below, he said, " Tell him to call another time ; I am unwell, an" 591. An apothecary was drank to in a public com- pany, by a person who said " Your health, bro- ther." The proud son of the pestle and mortar wished to know on what account he called him bro- ther. "Why,". said the other, "we are brethren by trade ; you are an apothecary, and I am a slop- seller." 592. It is said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, that he took a guinea out of one pocket, and put it into the other. MEDICAL. - 201 593. One very dark night, Mr. Elwes, hurrying along the street, ran with such violence against the pole of a sedan chair, that he cut both his legs very deeply. Colonel Tinnns, at whose house he was, in- sisted on ati apothecary being sent for, with which Mr. Elwes reluctantly complied. The apothecary, on his " arrival, began to expatiate on the dangerous consequences of breaking the skin, the peculiar bad appearance of the wounds, and the good fortune of his being sent for. " Very probably," said old Elwes, " but, in my opinion, my legs are not much hurt; now you think they are — so I will make this agree- ment ; I will take one leg, and you shall take the other : you shall do what you please to yours, and I shall So nothing to mine ; and FJl wager you your bill that my leg gets well the first." Reused to boast ihat he beat the apothecary by a fortnight. 594. A querilous invalid was telling his physician that he, though at an advanced time of life, did not know how to manage himself. " You know, my friend/' says the doctor, " that a man of forty is either a fool or a physician." The invalid archly sur- veying the son of Galen, who was of that age himself, shrewdly replied, " Pray, doctor, may not a man be both P 595. A physician at Bath, paying his last visit to a patient who was just expiring, and no attendant being in the way, the sick man bade the doctor put his hand into his pocket and take out his fee. " But," says he, gaily, kt would not that be like picking your pocket, my friend?" — " Very like it, indeed,' 7 faltered .out the dying patient. 596. An Irish surgeon, who had couched a cata- ract, and restored the sight of a poor woman, in Dub- lin, observed in her .case what he deemed a phenome- non, in optics, on which he called together his pro- £02 MEDICAL. Fessional brethren, declaring himself unequal to . the solution. He stated to them, that the sight of his patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see to thread the smallest nee ox e ; or to perform any other operation, which required particular accuracy of vision : but that when he presented her with a book, she was not capable of distinguishing one let- ter from another. This very singular case excited the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and va- rious solutions were offered; but none could com- mand the general assent. Doubt crowded on doubt, and the problem grew darker from every explanation ; when, at length, by a question put by the servant who attended, it was discovered that — the woman had never learned to read, 597. A conceited, but ignorant doctor, who affected an unlucky phrase at every turn, would exclaim without thinking of it, " So much the better." Vi- siting a patient almost in the agonies of death, he asked how he had slept the preceding night ? " Not a wink, sir." — " So much the better" cries the doctor. He then enquired how his fever was? " O, sir," says the patient, " I burn as if I was on fire." — " So much the better , v quoth Galen. " How does your cough V f " I spit up my lungs," replied the sick man. " So much the better/' answers the quack. u Ah, dear doc- tor," replied the expiring patient, " what a pity it is that a man should go out of the world with ail these fine symptoms {'* 598. A stage-doctor harranguing the populace at Hamersmith, said, u To this village I owe my birth and education ; I dearly love it and its inhabitants, and will cheerfully give a present of a crown to every one who will accept it." The audience received this notice with infinite satisfaction. " Here, ladies and gentlemen," added he, putting his hand into a bag", «&iid taking out a parcel of packets, " these inestim- MILITARY, 203 able medicines I usually sell for five and six-penee a piece, but in favour of this my natait spot, I will bate iiye shillings on each." 599. A regular physician being sent for by a maker of universal specifics, grand salutariums, &c. ex- pressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. " Not so trifling neither," replied the quack ; " for to tell you the truth. J have by mis- take taken some of my own pills.' 7 600. A modest young clergyman was once- asked by an impudent country apothecary, in a pablie as- sembly, how it happened that the patriarchs lived 1*> such an extreme old age I "I know no other reason for it," answered the divine,. " but this, \\id\they took no physic. 77 CHAP. VII. MILITARY. Fabius Maximus. 601. The sont)f Quintus Fabius Maximus, advising that general to seize on a post, said, " It will only cost a few men." Fabius answered, drily, " Will you make one of the few. 77 Hannibal. 602. Antiochus, King of Syria, shewed Hannibal the large army he had raised to fight against the Ko- rnans. He drew out in review before him the foot soldiers, glittering with gold and silver, and the ca~ 204 MILITARY. valry caparisoned with purple trappings. The vain- glorious monarch' beheld Hannibal surveying all this pompous parade in silence, and presuming upon his approbation said, " Do you not think that such troops as these will be enough for the Romans."— " Yes," said Hannibal, who well knew how to estimate show- without strength, " they will be enough for the Ro- mans, if the Romans were even, ten times more ava- ricious than they are." / Sir George Lisle. 603. Sir George Lisle, one of the- bravest of the generals of Charles I. Was one of those who so nobly defended Colchester in 1648. The same day that the rebel army took the place, he was ordered to be shot. When he was about to be executed, thinking that the soldiers who were to dispatch him stood at too great a distance, he desired them to approach nearer. One of them said, " I warrant we shall hit you." He re- plied with a smiie, " Friends, I have been nearer to you, when you have missed me." General Kirk. 604. General Kirk, who had served many years at Tangiers, after his return to England, was pressed by James the Second to become a proselyte to the Ro- mish religion, as the most acceptable means of re- commending himself to v favour. As soon as the king had done speaking, Kirk expressed great concern that it was not in his power to comply with his ma- jesty's desire, because he was really pre-engaged. The king smiled, and asked him what he meant? u Why, truly/' answered Kirk, " when I was abroad, I promised the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I changed my religion I would turn Mahometan ; and I never did break my word in my life, and must beg 'eave to say I never with" MILITARY. £05 Duke of Marlborough. 605. When Marshal Tallard was riding with the Duke of Marlborough in his carriage, after the vie- vrctory of Blenheim, " My lord duke," said the mar- shal, u 3 r ou have beaten to day the best troops in the world." — " I hope/ 7 replied the duke, " you except those who have had the honour of beating thern." 606. In the war of the allies with France, the de- puties of the states of Holland presented obstacles to the plans of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene. The duke was once asked how it happened, that Alexander the Great, and many other heroes, of antiquity, had in a very snort time made sush consi- derable progress in their conquests, and that now all that the greatest generals could do, was to take two or three towns in the course of a whole campaign. *' The reason," he replied, " is sufficiently obvious : Alexander, and the other great heroes of antiquity, had never any deputies from the states-general m their camps." General Oglethorpe. 607. The late General Oglethorpe, when only fif- teen years of age, exhibited an uncommon instance of presence of mind, in a circumstance which, to a military man, was extremely delicate. He was at that time a volunteer in the army of Prince Eugene, and happened to be at table with the Prince of Wir- temburgh. who, on the young soldier saying some- thing he did not like, took a glass of wine and flirted it in his face. To have challenged the prince, might have fixed on him the character of a quarrelsome man : to have taken no notice of it, would have been considered as cowardice, and subjected him to future insults. Oglethorpe, therefore, fixing his eye upon the prince, and smiling at the same time, as if he took what his highness had done as a jest, said, — • 44 Prince, that is a good joke, but we do it much bet- T £06 MILITARY. ter in England," and immediately threw a whole glass of wine in his face. An old general who sat by, said id the prince, " ; Twas well done, your highness be- gan it." And thus, a circumstance which might have been attended with fatal consequences, became by this happy union of discretion and spirit, the source of pleasantry and good humour. Earl of Stair. 608. The Earl of Stair, who commanded the allied army in two or three campaigns, in the war of 1774, riding out early on a misty rainy morning, to recon- noitre, attended only by an aid-de-camp or two, fell in with an advanced guard of the enemy; and, on .his approach, the French serjeant who commanded the party turned out his men, and ordered them to present. Lord Stair had advanced too far to retreat, before he discovered his situation ; he therefore in- stantly determined to assume the character of a French general, in which design he was favoured by being wrapt up in a military cloak ; and, pushing up to the serjeant, he commended his alacrity in very good French : and having given him a strict charge to keep a good look out for any reconnoitring parties of the enemy, he turned his horse, and galloped out of sight before the serjeant could sufficiently recover from his surprise, to recollect circumstances by which he might easily hare discovered the imposition. General Otway. 609. General Otway had been many years in the army with the rank of colonel, and during that period many junior colonels got preferment over his head. His friends frequently entreated him to state his ser- vices, and petition the king ; which he at length con- sented to, and and the chaplain of the regiment he served in was appointed to draw up his memorial, when the colonel perused it, he found it concluded with the word!, " and your petitioner shall ever MILITARY. ?07 pray ;V on which he told the chaplain he had made a mistake, and supposed that he was writing a petition for himself; and concluded with insisting that the word pray, being unfit for an officer, should be ex- punged. It was in vain that he was told, such was the form of all petitions; he would not give up his opinion, but insisted that it should run — " and your petitioner shall everjight." This petition he present- ed to the late King (George Ii). who, pleased with the novelty of the conclusion, and the honest blunt- ness of the officer, gave him a regiment a few r weeks after, contrary to the advice of the minister, who had promised it to a person who had considerable parlia- mentary interest. Marquis of Granby. 610. The late Marquis of Granby having returned from the army in Germany, travelled with all possible expedition from the English port, at which he landed, to London ; and finding on his arrival that the king was at, Windsor, he proceeded there in his travelling dress, when, desiring to be instantly introduced to his majesty, there came a certain lord, neat and trimly dressed, gay, and perfumed like a milliner, who in the style of a waiting-gentlewoman, said, he hoped the noble marquis did not mean to go into the presence in so improper a habit, adding, " 'Pon my honour, my lord, you look more like a groom than a gentle- man/' — " Perhaps I may," replied the marquis, " and I give you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king this instant, I will/act like a groom, and curry yon in a way you won't like," General Burgoyne. 611. When General Burgoyne was once at a play, which was most miserably enacted, at a barn in Lan- cashire, he called one of the performers, and asked him what w r as the name of the piece. " The Stage Coach, sir" replied Buskin, bowing ifcry respectfully. t 2 .208 MILITARY. 4i Why then," answered the general, returning the bow with the utmost gravitj r , " yon will greatly oblige me by giving me early notice the next time it is performed, that I may be an outside passenger " General O'Hara. 612. After the disgraceful failure of the expedition to Ferrol in the year 1800, under the command of Sir James Murray Pultney, a rendezvous of the troops took place in the Bay of Gibraltar. Some officers happening to land, General O'Hara, the governor of the fortress, asked what the real object of the attempt had been ? An officer replied, " It was only meant as a- diversion" — " And so it has proved/' exclaimed the governor, u for Europe has been diverted from one end to the other by it" General Tarleton. .' 613. A lady, who is a strong advocate for the rights of women, being engaged in a dispute with General Tarleton, asserted that an army of women would be in every respect competent to take the field against an army of men ; adding, " Suppose I had the command of 10,000 women, each of whom had received a military education, and you commanded an army of men equal in numbers, how would you get an advantage that you might not have in an equal degree over the same number of men?" — " Madam," rep-lied he, " I would keep from a general engage- ment ; I would make propositions of peace, and, du- riug the treaty, the male and female officers and sol- diers must frequently meet to settle the conditions : the consequence would be, that at the end of eight or nine months, when all of you ought to be in the jield, you would be in the straw, 7 Count O'Donnel. 614. The Queen of Hungary, in a conversation with General Count O'Donne^, a native of Ireland, MILITARY. 209 was pleased to say some very polite things in favour of the officers of that country, who had been engaged in her service, during the late war: among others, " My lord/' says she, " J really wonder that I am not able to give laws to all Europe, when I have so many gallant countrymen of yours in my service." To which his lordship, with a very low bow, replied, "I should wonder equally, madam, if your majesty had not contended with a prince, who can spare a great number of his subjects to fight the battles of his enemies." Marshal Bassempierre. 615. Francis Bassempierre, a general of the Swiss guards, in the service of Louis XIII. indulged his wit at the expense of his liberty, for he was confined in the Bastile for his caustic speeches. He passed his time in prison in reading and writing. One day, as he was busily turning over the leaves of the Bible, a friend asked him, " What he was looking for ?" — " A passage," said he, " which I cannot find." This passage was the way out of prison. 616. When General Bassempierre was liberated from prison, Louis XIII. asked him his age, and he reported himself to be no more than fifty. The king seeming surprised, " Sire," he answered. " I deduct ten years passed in the Bastile, because I did not employ them in your service." 6178 An officer relating his feats to the marshal/ said, that in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with his own hand : " And I," said the marshal, " de- scended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a pretty girl."— '« How could that be?" said the cap- tain, o*i the ground nearly expiring, asked each other if it was true that the duke was dead. He, hearing their in- quiries, and wishing not to discourage them, ex-r claimed, " Bourbon is gone forward." General Stuppa. 631. Pierre Stuppa, the Swiss general, being de- puted to solicit from Louis XIV. the arrears of pay due to Swiss officers, M. Louvois, the war minister, said to the king, " Sire ! these Swiss are very im- portunate. If your majesty had all the money your predecessors have paid them, it would form a road 214 MILITARY. from Paris to Basle."—" That may be," observed the brave Stuppa, "but at the same time, if your ma- jesty had all the blood the Swiss have shed in de- fence of France, it would form a river from Basle to Paris/' General Clairfait. 632. In the war of the French revolution, in 1794, the King of Prussia, the Duke of Brunswick, and General Clairfait, made a combined, and, as they thought, a most unexpected attack upon the repub- lican army ; but, to their great surprise, they found their enemies fully prepared for them, and ranged in regular order of battle ; they gave them such a warm reception that they were obliged to retreat with con- siderable loss. At a council of war held immediately afterwards, in which* the above-mentioned persons were present, general Clairfait, fixing his eyes stead- ily on the King of Prussia, said, " One of us three is a traitor." — " How so V' said the king, looking confused. " I repeat/' said the general, " that one of us three is a traitor, or our well-concerted plan could not possibly have failed of success." — " I can assure you/' said the King of Prussia, " that I never whis- pered a word upon the subject to any human being, except to Madame de II*- --." — " What a faithless counsellor, or rather what a perfect novice in the ways of the world, you must be!" exclaimed the en- raged general Clairfait. " Could you possibly have taken a more etfectual method to sacrifice us to the French army, than by blabbing our secret to a French woman V The Duke of Richmond. 633. His grace of Richmond being asked why he ordered a captain's guard to mount in the kitchen, replied — That he wished to accustom the soldiers to stand fire. MILITARY. 215 The Marquis of Towns end. 634. Some time after Lord Townsend bad given up bis commission in the guards, on oceount of the late Duke of Cumberland's refusing him leave of ab- sence for three days, be went one morning to the parade, where Colonel F (who was remark- able for being a tale-bearer to his Royal Highness) was looking over the exercise, in order, if any thing' was wrong, to report it. Upon seeing Lord Towns- end come up, " What, Townsend/' said be, " though you have left us, I see you still come as a spectator ?* ~— " Aye," replied his lordship, " and, between us both, I think we must improve the men, as you come here as a tatter. Colonel Kennedy. 635. In one of the engagements with the French at Cuddalore, the 101st regiment gave way, and their place was immediately supplied by a battalion of black infantry. A gentleman shortly aftewards, con- versing on the subject, in company with Colonel Ken- nedy, said be w r as surprised that they gave way. " And so am I too,'* said the colonel, " for they were all tried men." — " How can you make out that," says the gentlemen, u when they are a new regiment V — " Oh, by my conscience," says the colonel, " they were ail tried at the Old Bailey long ago." Major Mason. 636. During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a young lieutenant of the marines was so unhappy as to lose both bis legs by a chain-shot. In this miserable and helpless condition he was conveyed by the first oppor- tunity to England, and a memorial of his case pre- sented to an honourable board, in order to obtain some additional consideration to the narrow stipend of half-pay. The honourable board pitied the youth, but disregarded the petition. — Major Mason had the poor lieutenant conducted to court on a public day, 216 MILITARY. in his uniform ; where, posted in the guard-room, and supported by two brother officers, he cried out, as George II. was passing to the drawing-room, " Be- hold, great sire, a man who refuses to bend his knee to you ; he has lost both in your service/' The king, struck no less by the singularity of this address, than by the melancholy object before him, stopped, and hastily demanded what had been done for him. " Half-pay," replied the lieutenant, u and please your majesty 7 ' — u Fye, fye on't," said the king, shaking his head, u but let me see you again next levee-day." The lieutenant did not fail to appear at the place of assignation, where he received from the immediate hands of royalty, five hundred pounds smart money, and an appointment of two hundred a-year to be paid quarterly as long as he lived. Major Rogers, 637. When the late Major Rogers took up his abode in a spunging-house, in Southampton Build- ings, Holborn, like a true philosopher, he endeavour- ed to make his situation as agreeable as possible ; he therefore one day, out of a whim, sent cards of in- Titation to all the bailiffs who frequented the house, to come and dine with him. They accordingly came, and being in high spirits, after dinner, one of them being called upon for a toast, gave — " The d — I ride roughshod over the rascally part of the creation." When every body was going to drink the toast, the major (who was at the bottom of the table) cried out, " Stop, gentlemen, every man fill a bumper/' — " Oh r there's no occasion for that," says one of the com- pany." — " Yes, but there is," said the major ; " con- sider, it is a family toast, and ought to be done jus^ tice to." Captain Ogle. 638. Mr. Ogle being at Lockefs ordinary, where he was playing at hazard with a great many lords, and MILITARY, 217 having very good luck, lie ordered a porter to go up and down the streets, and bring; to him as many poor people as he could get; who, in a little time, brought. upwards of an hundred beggars. Whereupon Ogle ordered them a shilling a-piece in meat and drink. By the time they had made an end of their allow- ance, Mr. Ogle had broken all the persons of quality , discharged the mumpers reckoning, and given them sixpence a-piece besides. As he was going- into Spring Gardens, he met the Duke of .Monmouth, who asked him where he had been? " Been/' said he* ** why I have been fulfrllmg the scripture/'" — " I be- lieve you know nothing of the matter," returned the duke. " No matter for that," said Ogle, "but I have filled the hungry with good things,, and the rich I have sent empty away." The Marquis St. Axdre. 639. The Marquis St. Andre applied to Louvois, the war minister under Louis XIV. for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some corn- plaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The marquis, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, " If I were to enter again into the service, I know what I would do." — tt And pray what would you do?" re- torted the minister, in a furious tone. " I would take care," replied St. Andre, who had now recollected himself, " to behave in such a manner, that your ex- cellency should have nothing to reproach me with."* Louvois, agreeably surprised at his reply,, immedi- ately granted his request. Colonel Van G rotten*. 640. In one of the engagements in Holland, Colonel Van Grotten asked one of his lieutenants for a quid of tobacco. It was in the very heat of the contest, and a cannon ball laid the lieutenant pros- trate in the act of presenting it. " I must be obliged to you then/' said the colonel, cooliy, turning to ano- 17 S18 MILITARY. 4her officer, " for you see our friend is gone awajr with his tobacco-box. Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 641. A general, being on his travels, found himself indisposed, and was obliged to stop at a little village to be bled. The barber of the village was called in to officiate ; but his appearance not being very much in his favour, the general drew back his arm, just as the lancet was on the point ol entering. " Ah ! what you are afraid of the blood !" said the barber. "No," returned the general, t4 it is the bleeder, not the blood, I am afraid of." 642. An officer of a disbanded regiment applying to his agent for his arrears, told him that he was in the most extreme want, and on the point of dying with hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and ruddy aspect, replied, that his countenance belied his complaint. " Good sir," replied the officer, " for heaven's sake do not mistake ; the visage you see is not mine, but my landlady's ; for she has fed me on trust for these two years." 643. At a violent opposition election for Shrews- bury, in the reign of George I. a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, brought down from London, at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. Hie old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston's interest, until the last clay of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct lie was reproached by his quondam companions, and aslo ed what could have induced him to act so dishonour- able a part, and become an apostate. '" An apos- tate I" answered the old soldier; " an apostate! by no moans ; I made up my mind about who I should MILITARY. 219 Vote for before I set out upon this campaign, but I remembered the duke's constant advice to us when I served with our army in Flanders, ' Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads — always quarter upon the enemy.' " 644. An officer and a lawyer talking of the disas- trous battle of Auerstadt, the former was lamenting the number of brave soldiers who fell on this occa- sion ; when the lawyer observed, " That those who live by the sword must expect to die by the sword." < — (i By a similar rule," answered the officer, " those who live by the law must expect to die by the law." 645. A serjeant in a regiment of foot, having in his cups snapped the blade of his sword in two, got for the moment a wooden blade, till he could conve- niently have the proper one renewed. This coming to the ears of the commanding officer, he ordered the serjeant to bring to the parade, from the black hole, his brother, a private, confined there for drunk- enness. The serjeant, in due obedience, went with a file of men, and brought his brother forward. The colonel then addressed the private in a severe tone, thus — " You are, sirrah, such a drunken scoundrel, and have so long disgraced the corps, that I am de- termined you shall at once have your head struck off", and your own brother shall be your executioner; kneel, sir, and you, serjeant, do your duty !'' The serjeant intreated that there might not be imposed on him an office so shocking to his feelings ; but all in vain, the commander was inexorable. The serjeant then fell on his knees, and exclaimed, " Pray, Heaven, hear my prayers ; and, rather than 1 should be the slaugh- terer of my brother, may the blade of mv sword be turned to wood ! My prayers are heard," cried he, drawing his sword : " my prayers are heard :" to the no small entertainment of the commanding officer. v 2 £20 MILITA&Y. 646. An English soldier, having: been taken, lit company with twenty-three Spaniards, by Prince Maurice, it was determined that eight of them should be hanged, in requital for a like sentence by the Archduke Albert, upon some Hollanders, and that It should be decided by lot on whom the punishment should fall. The Englishman happily drew his deli- verance ; but one Spaniard expressing great reluc- tance and terror of mind, when he put his hand into the helmet to try his fate, not so much from fear of death, as an antipathy to such a decision, in which lie might make his own hand destroy himself, and be executed for the guilt of others, the Englishman con- sented to take what money he had, and stand the chance for him. The judges consented to this re- quest, as to that of a fool or madman, who deserved not the life he had so providentially obtained. Yet such v?as his good fortune, that be drew himself safe. When asked why he would put his life in such dan- ger again for the safety of another, and after such a signal escape, presumptuously to hazard it a second time? * Because/' said he, " I had a bargain of it; for, considering that I daily expose my life for six- pence, I thought I might, with much more reason, venture it for twelve crowns*" 647. A grenadier wagered that he would, at mid- night, go and feed with soup a body that was hang- ing on a gibbet The person with whom he wagered contrived to get up behind the dead man. The hour being come, the grenadier brought a ladder, put it up, presented the soup to the dead man, and smeared all his mouth with it. The man behind called out t " Comrade, your soup is very hot." The other, not in the least disconcerted, answered, "Why don't you blow, then." 648- During the war in 1672, a poor woman, who MILITARY. 221 sold beer among the army, set down her barrel near a tent, and cried, as loud as she could, " Here's fine beer ; two-pence a quart. " A soldier, on the other side of the tent, cried at the same time, " Here's fine beer ; three halfpence a quart." — " Alas !" said she, " some cruel deceiver undersells me, and I shall re- turn with my whole stock/' This, however, was not the case; for, on looking into the barrel, she per- ceived she had not a drop left. The fact was, the soldier had pierced the other end of the barrel, and sold every drop at three-halfpence a quart. 649. A soldier, who had but a penny to procure him his morning's provision, having purchased a half- penny roll, entered a cheesemongers shop, and re- quested a halfpennyworth of cheese. He received for answer, u We never make so small a quantity." He again solicited, but was again gruffly refused. The poor fellow was much distressed, not having enough to purchase more ; but, as necessity is ever the mo- ther of invention, he indulged himself in the follow- ing innocent stratagem: — " Make me a pennyworth," said he. " Aye, aye," returned the other greedily ; " that you may have." When the pennyworth was cut off, he begged the man to divide it as equally as possible, as two were to partake of it. The cheese- monger having taken considerable pains to divide it ? the soldier took up one of the halves, and, putting down his halfpenny, thanked him for his halfpenny- worth of cheese, and very coolly walked off. 650. Baron D'Adrets occasionally made his pri- soners throw themselves headlong, from the battle- ments of a high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of courage in a very insulting manner, " Why, sir," said the pri- ll 3 222 MILITARY. soner, u bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took the leap." This pleasantry saved the poor fellow's life. Hannibal. 651. Hannibal tried every art to draw Fabius Max- imus into a battle. " If Fabius," said he, " be so great a general as he is reported to be, he ought to descend from the mountains, and fight me in the plains." Fabius replied, " If Hannibal be so great a general as he fancies himself to be, he ought to force me to fight him any where." Sir George Leslie. 652. Leslie, general of the Scottish Covenanters, in the reign of the unfortunate Charles I. though brave, was ignorant, to such a degree, indeed, that be could hardly sign his own name. It is reported, that once upon a march, passing by a house, he said, " There is the house where I was taught to read."— " How, general," said one of his attendants, " I thought that you had never been taught to read." — " Pardon me," replied he, " 1 got the length of the letter G." The Duke of Marlborough. 653. When Prince Eugene went to consult the Duke of Marlborough, in his tent, the night before the great battle of Blenheim, the duke, with his cha- racteristic parsimony and attention to little, in the midst of great things, snuifed out two of the four candies that were burning on the table, and said, " We can talk without so much light." General Boyd. 654. When General Boyd was Governor of 'Gib- raltar, he once wrote an order to a.Mr. .Brown, his MILITARY. QQ.3 agent in London, for provisions for the garrison, but forgot to insert what he wanted for his own private use until the letter was sealed up, and the vessel, by which it was to be sent, on the point of sailiug ; he therefore wrote on the outside, " Brown, beef, Boyd/' His agent returned his provision with an epistle equally laconic, written immediately under the direc- tion, f Boyd y beef, Brown/ 7 General Howe. 655. The first time that consummate hero, General Howe, went to court after he returned from America, he had in his carriage a very handsome pair of horses. A person who observed them, exclaimed — Where could the general get his bays ! " Not in America," replied a by-stander. General Sutton. 656. General Sutton, brother to Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, " John, you cut me ;" and continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again, H John, you cut me ; but as mildly as before : and soon after he had occasion to say it a third time ; when Sutton, starting up in a rage, said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, u If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot ; and if you cut him once more, John, I'll knock you down." General Lee. 657. The American General Lee. being at dinner with some Scotchmen, took occasion to say, soon after the cloth was removed, that he had an unfortu- nate propensity, when he happened to take a glass too much, which was, to pour every sort of abuse on the Scotch, and therefore, should any thing of that kind happen, he hoped they would excuse him % 224 MILITARY. " By all means," said one of the Scotchmen ; *' we all have our failings, especially when in liquor. I my- self have a very disagreeable propensity, when that is the case, to take the first thing I can lay hold of, and knock down any man that abuses my country; I hupe, therefore, the company will excuse me, if any such thing should happen/' General Lee, after this speech, did not choose to indulge his propensity. Marshal Bassompiere, 658. It was customary with Marshal Bassompiere, when any of his soldiers were brought before him for heinous offences, to say to them, " Brother, you or I certainly will be hanged ;" which was a sufficient de- nunciation of their fate. A spy being discovered in his camp, was addressed in this language ; and next day, as the provost was carrying the wretch to the gallows, he pressed earnestly to speak with the mar- shal, alleging that he had somewhat of importance to communicate. The marshal, being made acquainted with this request, exclaimed, in his rough and hasty in aimer, " It is the way of all these rascals, when or- dered for execution ; they pretend some frivolous story, merely to reprieve themselves for a few mo- ments : however, bring the dog hither/' Being in- troduced, the marshal asked him what he had to say. " Why, my lord," said the culprit, " when first I had the honour of your conversation, you were obliging enough to say, that either you or I should be hanged : now I am come to know whether it is your pleasure to be so ; because, if you won't, I must, that's all." The marshal was so pleased with the fellow's humour, that he pardoned him. The Prince de Conde. 659. The great Prince of Conde besieged a town in Spain, called Lerida, and was unsuccessful. At the play-house, one night, he cried out, " Take that fellow, who is making a noise in the pit, and cany MILITARY, 223 mm to prison." — *'' / am not to be taken" sakl the man, as he was running away ; u my name is Lerida" Marshal de Yivoxxe. 680. Monsieur de Vivonne, who was general of the expedition against Messina, writing from that place to the king, closed his letter in these words — " To finish the affair, we only want ten thousand men." He gave his letter to seal to Du Tenon, commissioner for the army, who was bold enough to add — - u And a general* " Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 661. A French officer, being one day in company with Marshal Meiileraye. said, " If I am not a Mar- shal of France. I am of the Avood of which they are made f to which M. de Meilleraye answered, u Be assured, sir, that when the king makes marshals of wood, you shall not he forgotten. 7 ' 662. A fellow hearing the drams beat up for volun- teers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough for a soldier, and therefore enlisted. Returning, and being asked by bis friends, what exploits lie had done there ; he said, that he had cut off one of the enemy's legs : and be- ing told that it would have been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head : u Oh V said he, *' Ms head \ceus cut off before. 7 ' 663. In an Edinburgh newspaper, of the 9th of July. 1796. was the following paragraph: " An indict- ment has been preferred before the sheriff against a breeches-maker for a violent assault on three of the It 02/ a I Edin b u rgh I "o hi n leers . ' ' 664. Dr. Gregory, professor of physic at Edinburgh, was one of the first to enrol himself in the Royal jEdmburgh Volunteers, when that corps was raised. 226 MILITARY. So anxious was he to make himself master of military tactics, that he not only paid the most punctual at- tendance on all the regimental field-days, but studied at home for several hours a day, under the serjeant- fnajor of the regiment. On one of the occasions the officer, out of all temper, at the awkwardness of his learned pupil, exclaimed in a rage, " Sir, I would rather teach ten fools than one philosopher" 665- A colonel who had raised a regiment of fenci- ble cavalry, was complaining in a company that he had the whole labour of the corps on himself. * I am," said he, " obliged to be my own major* my own captain, my own adjutant, &c/' — u And," said a per- son present, " I presume, your own trumpeter" 666. A certain swaggering, blustering commissioned officer, unfortunately for his pride, no other than a sort of an honest mender of soles, chanced to let his cane fall severely on the shoulders of a poor fellow, who was not altogether expert in handling his musket with the dexterity of a fugle-man. " Why don't yoii move, you scoundrel, with alacrity V cried the offi- cer. " Bless your honour/' replied the man, " how is it possible ; the shoes your father made me pinch me so !" It is almost unnecessary to add that the drill was speedily dismissed. 667. Previous to the inspection of the Dover Vo- lunteer corps, by the Lord Warden, an order was issued for the men to wear black stocks made of lea- ther, as is usual with troops of the line. Several of the corps objected to this order, alleging, that, not being accustomed to such a stiff bandage round their necks, they hoped to be permitted to wear their silk ones as before. Mr. Pitt observed, when the corps assembled, that he had never been accustomed to wear a stock made of leather, but he now submitted to that part of the military dress* from which he did MILITARY, 227 not experience the least inconvenience. " That may be, sir/' replied an honest blacksmith, who was in the ranks; u for your neck is like your head, so very long, the leather can do you no injury.'* 668. A chaplain at the hospital in Flanders, attend- ing a soldier at the point of death, desired another soldier that stood by to come and join in prayer; to which he answered, " No, sir, I thank you, mine is only an ague/' 669. A soldier having by order of a court-martial been sentenced to receive corporal punishment, one of the drummers, ordered to inflict it, absolutely re- fused, saying, that it was not his duty. " Not your, duty!" said the serjeant-major. " Not your duty !"■ repeated the adjutant, "what do you mean?" — "I know veiy well," replied the drummer, " that it is not my duty : I was present at the court-martial as well as you, and I heard the colonel say, he was to receive corporal punishment, I am only a drummer, not a corporal" 670. A soldier boasted to Julius Caesar of tlie many wounds he had received in his face. Caesar, knowing him to be a coward, said to him, " The next time you run away, you had better take care ho\y you look behind you." 671. At a late review of a volunteer corps, not twenty miles from Norwich, the major, who gave the word not rinding the men so expert as he wished, was perpetually calling " As you were — As you were" and putting them twice through the manoeuvre ; the in- specting officer at length losing all patience, ex- claimed. " As you were\ No, I'll be hung if you are as you were ; for you are not half so good as you were the last time I saw you." ?€8 MILITARY, 672. A veteran of the halbert employed in raising a s regiment of infantry, was overtaken by a gejatfe- ijuan rider, who mistaking him for an ofiieer, brought him to his irniy and introduced him into the room, where several gentlemen of the saddle-bags were about fitting down to supper. The hero of the worsted sash, waiting modestly till the rest were seated, found the head of the table only left; and there he was placed. Supper done, and all the glasses charged^ alter a long pause, the voice at the bottom of the table, wanting the first toast from the chair, called upon his military president, " Well, sn\ what will you give us?" The honest Serjeant, infinitely better versed in the doctrine of bounty money than of toasts, mistook th« enquiry, and answered quite in charac- ter, ** I'll give you fifteen guineas and a. crown." 673. At a certain review, a company of thirty, on receiving the word u fire," pulled so irregularly, that the reports were almost like that of single piec?s„ which naturally enraging the captain, he cried out, With a design of mollifying them, — " Why, how now ? only twenty-eight have fired; where are the other two?? 674.. Mr. Bensley, before he went on the stage, ivas an officer iii the army. Meeting one day a Scotch- man, who had been in the same regiment, the latter was very happy to see his old brother officer, but be- ing ashamed to be seen in the street with a player, he hurried him into an obscure coilee-bouse, v^lieo he began to remonstrate with him on his thus disgracing the honourable profession to which he had belonged, 4t But," added he, "what do y,ou make by tins new- business of yours?" Mr. Bensley said, from seven hundred to a thousand a year. ^ A thousand a year V r exclaimed Sawney, " hae ye ony vacancies in youf k corps." MILITARY. 22g, and bloodshed! By the side of his box stood a deep, narrow-necked earthen jug, in which was the remain- der of his supper, consisting of boiled peas. A large monkey, (of which there are plenty at the top of the rock) encouraged by the man's absence, and allured by the smell of the peas, ventured to the jug ; and, in endeavouring to get at its contents, thrust his neck so far into the jug, as to be unable to withdraw it. At this instant, the soldier approaching, the monkey started up to escape, with the jug on his head. This terrible monster no sooner saluted the eyes of the sentry, than his frantic imagination con- verted pug into a fine blood-thirsty Spanish grenadier, with a most tremendous cap on his head. Full of this dreadful idea, he instantly fired his piece, roaring out that the enemy had scaled the walls. The guards took the alarm; the drums were beat; signal-guns fired ; and, in less than ten minutes, the governor and his whole garrison were under arms. The sup- posed grenadier, being very much incommoded by his cap, and almost blinded by the peas, was soon overtaken and seized ; and, by Ins capture, the trail-, quillity of the garrison was soon restored, without that slaughter and bloodshed which every man had prognosticated in the beginning of this direiui alarm. 680. A very brave soldier had both his arms can led off in a battle ; his colonel offered him halt' a crown : 16 Undoubtedly, colonel," replied the soldier, "you. think I have lost hut a pair of gloves/' 681. Colonel C rose from the rank of a pri- vate man to that of Commander-in-chief, at St. Eu- statia. One morning upon a review of the garrison MILITARY. £31 troops, he discovered a soldier, whose dress was ex- tremely soiled. The colonel, stepping up to him, demanded, in a haughty tone, " How dare you, ras- cal, appear so dirty ? your shirt is as black as ink ! Did you ever see me in such a plight when I was a private V — " No, may it please your honour, I never did/' replied the trembling culprit, " but then, to be sure, your honour $ mother was a washer-woman." 682. General Guise going over one campaign to Flanders, observed a young raw officer who was in the same vessel with him, and with his usual huma- nity told him, that he would take care of him and conduct him to Antwerp, where they were both going ; which he accordingly did, and then took leave of him. The young fellow was soon told by some arch rogues, whom he happened to fall in with, that lie must signalize himself by fighting some man of known courage, or else he would soon be despised in the regiment. The young man said, he knew no one but Colonel Guise, and he had received great obliga- tions from him. It was all one for that, they said, in these cases ; the colonel was the fittest man in the world, as every body knew his bravery. Soon after- wards, up comes the young officer to Colonel Guise, as he was walking up and down the coiiee-room, and began in a hesitating manner to tell him how much obliged he had been to him, and how sensible he was of the obligations. " Sir," replied Colonel Guise, u I have done my duty to you and no more." — " But colonel," added the young officer faltering, " I am told that I must fight some gentleman of known cou- rage, and who has killed several persons, and that nobody n — " Oh, sir," interrupted the colonel, " your friends do me too much honour ; but there is a gentleman," pointing to a fierce-look ing black fel- low that was sitting at one of the tables, " who has killed hall the regiment." So up goes the officer to him, and tells him he is well informed of his bravery, x 2 232 MILITARY, and that for that reason he must fight him. P* Who,< I sir V replied the gentleman, " Why, I am the apo- thecary." 683. A poor cavalier corporal being condemned to die, wrote this letter to his wife the day before he expected to suffer, thinking it would come to hand .after his execution. " DEAR WIFE, " Hoping you are in good health, as I am at this present writing, this is to let you know, that yester- day, between the hours of eleven and twelve, I was hanged, drawn,, and quartered. 1 died very peni- tently, and every body thought my ease very hard* Bemember me kindly to my poor fatherless children. " Yours, till death, 884. A captain in full regimentals, whose cha- racter for courage was not very eminent, began to jeer a miser on his immense wealth and his penury- 4( What pleasure can riches give you, who never dare use them?" — "The same," replied the misery " which you feel in wearing those clothes and that long sword." 685. One of the St George^s corps, on the night of the 4th of June, dreaming of the glorious ma- noeuvres of the da} r , was overheard by his wife to exclaim — u To the right about tuliee!:" — lie wheeled about, and tumbled out of bed. 686. As one of the associations was performing their exercise, the commanding -officer (a sergeant of the guards) observing a gentleman, whose name was Barrow, not very alert at his motions, exclaimed, with a satirical grin, u Wheel-Barrow !" The whole cmp% instantly burst into a loud laugh, at which the MILITARY. 233 Enraged private quitted the ranks, and made so fu- rious an attack with his foot on the nethermost part of Ins sergeant, that the latter resolved never again to let off any more puns till he could take surer aim. 687. A minkin three feet and a half colonel, being one day at the drill, was examining a strapper of six feet four. " Come fellow hold up your head, — higher, fellow/ 7 "Yes, sir." "Higher, fellow — higher." " What so, sir?" said the man, raising his head much above the horizontal parallel. " Yes, fellow." " And am I always to remain so, sir?" " Yes, fellow, to be sure." '* Why then, good bye, colonel, for I shall never see you again." 688. A gentleman asked a colonel of militia, " How Hie besiegers at Valenciennes managed to destroy the men working in the zigzags." The reply from the intelligent warrior was, " By having crooked artillery, to be sure." 689. As a regiment of soldiers was marching through a country town, the captain (a strict dis- ciplinarian,) observed that one of the drums did not beat, and ordered a lieutenant to enquire the reason. The fellow, on being interrogated, whispered the Men tenant — I have two ducks and a turkey in my drum, and the turkey is for his honour: which being whispered to the captain — " Confound the fel- j j w," said he, " why did he not say he was lame ? 1 do not want men to do their duty when they are not able." 690. As some of the British officers were once con- versing with Dr. Sterns, an American astronomer, on the hardness of the times, whilst the war continued ai America, one of them thinking to smoke the doc- tor, said to him,—" Pray, sir, as you are a mathe- matician, can you tell me how long it will take to x3 234 MILITARY* surmount insurmountable difficulties V*-—-" Yes, sir/* answered the doctor, " just as long as it will take you to get below the bottom of the bottomless pit." — • " Oh ho !" said the officer, " I find you are too deep for me/' 691. A regiment of horse in King William's time, being quartered in Canterbury, and fhe archbishop being then there, he invited all the officers of the regi- ment to dinner. One of the cornets being obliged to keep guard that day, and lamenting his misfortune, that he could not have the honour to dine with the bishop, bethought himself of, this stratagem. He knew that one of his brother cornets was gone out of town, and would not return till evening ; he deter- mined therefore to wait for him at his lodgings, and frighten him by a false message from the bishop. Ac- cordingly when his comrade arrived, he addressed him thus. " Tom, I believe I shall surprise you." u Why/' said Tom, "what is the matter?"— " No great matter," replied his comrade, " only the bishop has sent for all t,he officers to hear them their cate- chism."— 44 The deuce he has," quoth Tom, " then I am ruined horse and foot ; for, as I am a sinner, I can't say three lines." — " Never be troubled about that/' said his comrade, " I can say mine every word, and if you will mount guard for me to-morrow, I will go in your place." — " With all my heart," said Tom, " and thank you to boot /' so the next day they all, except Tom, dined with the bishop. His lordship, being a very polite man, told the colonel, that he hoped all his officers were there ; for he intended it as a general invitation. The colonel told him they were all there, except one gentleman, who was obliged to mount guard. The bishop took no notice of it then, but the next day sent his servant to the absent gentleman, to desire his company by himself. Tom had no sooner received the message than he ran frightened out of his senses to his comrade to make MILITARY. 235 his complaint. u Ah, my friend/' cried Tom, " it is all in vain, I must go at last, the bishop has sent for me.'' — " Never mind it," said his comrade, " you will do very well ; he did not ask us above one question or two/' Torn being thus prepared went to the bishop's, where he was introduced into a parlour. At length his lordship came in. " Sir," said the bishop, " I am sorry I could not have the pleasure of your company yesterday ; may I crave your name," " Thomas, my lord," replied the cornet. " What countryman V asked the bishop. ?' My godfathers and godmothers," replied the cornet. "I do not mean to catechise you," said the bishop, and thus the cheat was discovered. 692. Dr. Beadon, rector of Eltham, one Sunday had given out his text " Who art thou ?" which he repeated emphatically, just as an officer walked up the middle aisle. The latter, supposing it a question addressed to himself, answered, to the astonishment both of the parson and his congregation, " I am, sir, an officer of the sixteenth regiment of foot, on a re- cruiting party, and should be happy to be introduced to the neighbouring clergy and gentry/' 693. A puppy of air officer being tried for a very gross assault, the counsel against him began. — u Gen- tlemen of the jury, this soldier — " — "Soldier, sir?" interrupted the defendant, " I am an officer." — "I ask your pardon," said the barrister : " well then, gen- .tlemen, this officer ivlio is no soldier, assaulted the plaintiff, a feeble old woman. — " 694. It was customary with Frederick the Great, ^whenever a new soldier appeared in his guards, to ask him three questions ; viz. " How old are you?" *" How long have you been in my service V — " Are you satisfied with your pay and treatment?" It happened that a young soldier, born in France, who had served £36 MILITARY. in his own country, desired to enlist in the Prussian service, his figure caused him to be immediately ac- cepted, but he was totally ignorant of the German dia- lect ; and, the captain giving him notice that the king would question him in that tongue the first time he saw him, cautioned him at the same time to learn by heart the three answers that he was to make. He accord- ingly learned them by the next day; and as soon as he appeared in the ranks, Frederick came up to interro- gate him ; but he happened to begin upon him by the second question, and asked him, "How long have you been in my service V 7 " Twenty-one years !" an- swered the soldier. The king, struck with his youth, which plainly indicated that he had not borne a mus- ket so long as that, said to him, much astonished, " How old are you V — " One year, an't please your ma- jesty." Frederick, more astonished still, cried, "You or I must certainly be bereft of our senses/' The soldier, who took this for the third question, replied firmly, u Both, an't please your majesty/' — " This is the first time I was ever treated as a madman at the head of my army/' replied Frederic. The soldier, who had exhausted his stock of German, kept silence, and when the king questioned him again, to pene- trate into the mystery, the soldier told him in French, that he did not understand a word of German, at which the king laughed heartily, advised him to learn that language, and exhorted him to perform well his duty. 695. A soldier who had been clapped in Newgate for a robbery and manslaughter, seeing one of his comrades in the street going by, called to him through the gates of the prison, asking him what news? " Why," answered the other, " there's a rebellion broke out in Scotland." — u God preserve us !" cried the fettered soldier, " should those rascals get the upper hand, farewell the liberty of Old England." — * Aye," replied the other, swearing a tremendous MILITARY. Q3f 6ath, " and what will become of the protestant reli« ligion." 696. When Cromwell made his public entry into London, his companions remarked to him the great concourse of people who came from all parts to see him. " There would be just as many," said he, " if I was going to the scaffold." 697. An infantile officer striking an old grenadier for a supposed fault in his evolutions, the latter* gravely taking off his cap, and holding it by the top, over the head of the juvenile martinet, said, " If you were not my officer I would extinguish you." 698. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard Coffee-house, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge. — . *' Zoons, sir," said an old campaigner, who stood by, " Who's that ? I have heard of all the generals in Eu- rope but him." 699. At the battle of Malplaquit, a ludicrous cir- cumstance happened : a young Swiss recruit, when his regimentals were making, had procured a round iron plate, bordered with small holes, which he desir- ed the tailor to fasten on the inside of his coat, above his left breast, to prevent his being shot through the heart. The tailor, being a humourous fellow, fastened it in the seat of his breeches ; and the clothes being scarcely on his back when he was Ordered to march into the field, he had no opportunity to get this auk-^ ward mistake rectified, before he found himself en* gaged in battle ; and, being obliged to fly before the British, in endeavouring to get over a thorn hedge in his way, he unfortunately stuck fast till he was overtaken by a foe, who, on his coming up, gave him a push in his. breech with his bayonet (with no friendly design); but it luckily hit on the iron plate* £38 NAVAL, and pushed (he young soldier clear out of the hedge ; this favourable circumstance made the Swiss honestly confess that the tailor had more sense than himself, and knew better where his heart lay, 700. A facetious abbe, having engaged a box at the opera-house, at Paris, was turned out of his pos- session by a maresehal, as remarkable for his ungen- tlemanlike behaviour, as for his cowardice and mean- ness. The abbe, for this unjustifiable breach of good manners, brought his action in a court of honour, and solicited permission to be his own advocate, which was granted. When the day of trial arrived, he pleaded to the following effect : " Tis not of Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so nobly in the East Indies — it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca — it is not of the Comte de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord Rodney, that I complain ; but it is of Maresehal , who took my box at the opera-house, and never took any thing else/' This most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the court, that he had already inflicted punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict. A fine compliment to the abbe's wit. CHAP. VIII. NAVAL. Earl Howe. 701. When the late Earl Howe, who was very re- markable for his presence of mind, was captain of the Magnanime, during a cruise on the coast of NAVAL. 23Q France, a heavy gale of wind obliged him to anchor. It was on a lee-shore, and the night was extremely dark and tempestuous. After every thing had been made snug, the ship rode with her two anchors a- heap, depending entirely on her ground tackle. Captain Howe, was at this time laid up with the gout, and was reading in his cabin, when, on a sud- den, the lieutenant of the watch came in, with a countenance full of woe, and said, he was sorry to inform him that the anchors came home. " They are much in the right of it/' replied Captain Howe, with the greatest coolness, "who the devil would stay out in such a night as this/' 702. When Lord Howe commanded on the Ame- rican station, it was a regulation in the fleet for the marine officers to keep watch with the lieutenants of the navy. His lordship once remarking, at his table, r that pursers, surgeons, and even chaplains, might occasionally be employed on that duty;" a son of the church, who was present, opposed the doctrine. * What !" cried his lordship, u cannot ye watch as well as yrayJ 7 Lord St. Vincent. 703. A certain officer of an envious disposition, said to Lord St. Vincent, when he had just gained thd celebrated victory off Cape St. Vincent, " What can those who envy your glory say now !" — l ' I do not know," answered the brave admiral, " What do you say :" Lord Anson. 704. While Commodore Anson's ship, the Centu- rion, was engaged in close fight with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came running to him, and cried out, ' v Sir, our ship is on lire very near the powder magazine/' — " Then pray, friend/* said the commodore, not in the least da- 240 NAVAL. gree discomposed, " run back and assist in patting it out." Lord Hawke. 705. The late Lord Hawke, when a young man, was pressed very much by a tailor to discharge a debt which he was at that time unable to pay. " Yon know," said Mr. Buckram, ci my bill is very long, and frightful to think of.'! — u I tell you,* replied the blunt tar, "don't threaten me with your Mil, my talons will prove a match for your Mil at any hour !" Lord Nelson. 706. Lord Nelson when a little boy, was on a visit to an aunt, and went in search of birds' nests. He wandered so far, that he did not return till some time after it was dark. The old lady, who had been much, alarmed by his absence, reprimanded him severely, and asked him how fear came not to drive him home. " I don't know/' said the boy, with great simplicity, " who fear is." 707. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, asking the heroic Nelson, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckon- ed the number of the enemy ? u No," replied the ad- miral, " it will be time enough to do that, when we have made them strike." 708. The master cf the Wrestler's Inn, at Yar- mouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up his arms, and change the name of the inn to The Nelson Hotel, his lordship returned lor an- swer, that he was perfectly welcome to his name ; but he must be sensible that he had no arms to spare. 709. Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in his ■ fctercourse with his friends as with the enemies of his country. Captain Berry, to whom he jfaicl. in NAVAL. 241 his official dispatch from Aboukir, so finished a com- pliment, bad served with him in the unfortunate affair of Teneriffe : and, on their return to England, ac- companied him to St. James's. The king, with his accustomed suavity, lamented the gallant admiral's wounds : " You have lost your right arm," observed his majesty. " But not my right hand/' replied his lordship, " as I have the honour of presenting Cap- tain Berry to your majesty." Admiral Blake. 710. The following laconic letter was written by Admiral Blake to the Admiralty : — u Piease your honours and glory, yesterday met with the French fleet, beat, killed, took, sunk, and burned, as per margin." Your's, &c. Admiral Keppel. 711. While Admiral Keppel commanded the squa- dron np the Mediterranean, frequent complaints were made to the ministry by the merchants trading to the Levant, &c. of the piracies of the Algerines. These complaints were passed over, till two ships richly laden were taken and carried into Algiers. This was so flagrant an infraction of treaties, that the ministry could no longer be silent. Orders were accordingly sent to the admiral, to sail into the harbour of Air giers, and demand restitution of the Bey ; and in case of a refusal, he had an unlimited power to make reprisals. The admiral's squadron cast anchor in the offing, in the bay of Algiers, facing the Dey's palace. He went ashore, attended only by his captain and barge's crew, proceeding to the palace, where he de- manded an immediate audience: and being conduct- ed into the Dey's presence, he laid open his embassy, and, in his master's name, desired satisfaction for the injuries done to the subjects of his Britannic Majesty, Surprised and enraged at the boldness of the admi- ral's remonstrance^ the Dey exclaimed, " That h« •242 NAVAL. wondered at the English king's insolence, in sending 1 him a foolish, beardless boy/' The admiral replied, 4k That if his master had supposed that wisdom had been measured by the length of the beard, he would have sent his Deyship a he- goat. " Unused to such language from the sycophants of his own court, this reply put him beside himself, and, forgetting the laws of all nations in respect to ambassadors, he ordered his mutes to attend with the bow-string, at the same time telling the admiral he should pay for his audacity with his life. Unmoved with this menace, the admi- ral took him to a window facing the bay, and shewing him the English fleet riding at anchor, told him, that if it was his pleasure to put him to death, there were Englishmen enough in that fleet to make him a glo- rious funeral pile. The Dey was wise enough to take the hint : the admiral came off in safety, and ample restitution was made. Admiral Pakenham. 712. Once when Admiral Pakenham, one of our renowned naval officers, landed at Portsmouth, a friend asked him how he left the crew of his ship. " O," said he, " 1 have left them all, to a man, the merriest fellows in the world." — " How so V asked his friend. "Why/ 7 replied the admiral, "I, flogged seventeen of them, and they are happy it is over ; and all the rest are happy, because they have escaped/' Admiral Cornwallis. 713. Soon after Captain (now Admiral) Cornwallis succeeded to the command of the Canada, on the resignation of Sir George Collyer, and was at sea^ a mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some ac- cidental delay in the clerk's paying some of the ship's company ; in consequence of which, they signed what they termed a round robin, wherein they declared, to a man, that they would not fire a gun till th;y were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on the receipt of this, had NAVAL* 243 all hands called upon deck, and thus laconically ha- rangued them : — " My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port ; and as to your not fight- ing, I'll clap you alongside of the first large ship of the enemy I see, when the d — 1 himself cannot keep you from it.' 7 1'he jacks were so tickled with this tar-like compliment, that they one and all returned to their duty, better satisfied, perhaps, than if they had been paid the money they demanded ten times over. Sir Sidney Smith. 714. An officer maintained in the presence of Sir Sidney Smith, that he could not assault a particular post, because it was unattackable. " Sir," said the gallant chief. " that word is not English." 715. Sir Sidney Smith wrote thus to a man, who solicited his interest to obtain an important situation, which a moment's reflection might have convinced him that gentleman had no power to procure. " Sir, I am sorry I cannot oblige you ; these appointments do not rest with me. The office of prime minister is filled to the public satisfaction, as well as the one you solicit ; and the see of Canterbury is also disposed of. I fear nothing attainable in this country will suit your ideas of power ; let me recommend you to go to Egypt, I have interest to get you made a Bey." Count de Grasse. 716. The Count de Grasse being wounded in the knee with a musket-ball, the surgeons made many incisions. Losing patience at last, he asked them why they cut and carved him so cruelly. " We seek for the baU," said they. " Why did you not speak before ?" said the count ; " I have it in my pocket." Earl Cloncartie. 717. When the Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a Y 2 &44 NAVAL', man of war, and was cruising on the coast of Guinea,. lie happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried oif by a fever, of which the lieutenant, a Scotchman, gave his captain notice, saying at the same time, that he was sorry to inform him that he died a Roman Ca- tholic. — " Weft, so much the better/' said his lord- ship. " Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a British clergyman/' — " Why," said his lordship, " be- cause I believe I am the first captain of a man of war that could boast of having a chaplain who had any religion at all." Captain Harvey. 718. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to Captain Harvey, of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he learnt from it. — The captain replied, one part of the scripture he well remembered, which was — " Not to put his trust in princes.'* Lieutenant OBrien. 719. When Lieutenant O'Brien, called sky-rocket Jack, was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was saved on the carriage of a gun ; and when brought to the admiral, all black and wet> he said, " I hope, sir, you will excuse my appearance in this dishabille, as I came away in such a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself." Anonymous and Miscellaneous. *720. A sailor coming across Blackheath one even- ing, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded his money ; when a scufflle ensued, in which the tar took the robber* and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor looking stedfastly at the justice, an- NAVAL. 245 swered, " He ! he put me in bodily fear ! No, nor any he that ever lived ; therefore, if that is the case, 3011 may let him go, for FJ1 not swear to any such lie.- 7 721. As a press-gang were once patroling about ■ Smithfield, they laid hold on a man tolerably well dressed, who pleaded that, being a gentleman, he was not liable to be pressed. " Haul him away/ 7 says one of the tars, u he is the very man we want ; we have pressed a great number of blackguards, and are at a loss for a gentleman to teach them good man- 7*22. " As you do not belong to my parish/' said a -gentleman to a begging sailor with a wooden leg, " I cannot relieve you." — " Sir/' replied the other, with an air of heroism, " I lost my leg fighting for all parishes." 723. On the eve of the battle of Trafalgar, a lieu- tenant of the Revenge was surprised to see one of the seamen devoutly kneeling by the side of his gun, and asked him, " What ! are you afraid V — " Afraid !" disdainfully answered the tar " no ! I was only pray- ing that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as our prize-money, the greatest part among the officers." 724. An officer who had by almost desperate acts acquired both fame and fortune, had an enterprise proposed to him by the commander which was ex- tremely dangerous, but if accomplished would pro- duce great emolument. " Sir," said the officer, " I world advise you rather to employ one who has to make his fortune ; for my part, I am contented with mine." 725. A sailor being about to set out for India, a citizen asked him ; 6i Where his father died V — w In y 3 246 NAVAL. shipwreck," was 1he answer. " And where did your grandfather die ?" — " As he was fishing, a storm arose, and the bark foundering, ail on board perished."— " And your great-grandfather!"—" He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock." — 4k Then," said the citizen, " if I were you, I would never go to sea." — " And pray, Mr. Philosopher/' inquired the seaman, " where did your father die ?" — " In his bed." — " And your grandfather ?" — " In his bed." — " And your great-grandfather?" — " He, and all my ancestors ilied quietly in their beds." — " Then, if I were you, I would never go to bed." 726. During the battle of the Nile, a lieutenant of Lord Nelson's ship had his right arm shot off. The illustrious commander, after the engagement visited him in his cabin, and expressed his concern at the misfortune. The lieutenant answered, " Admiral, you lead the fashion here, and he must be destitute of taste who is not on this day proud to imitate you in any thing." 727. A very tall gentleman was appointed to a small ship, where his cabin was every way incon- venient. After applying in vain to his friends to get him promoted, he at last wrote up to the Admiralty Board, humourously setting forth his grievance, who remitted an order for his immediate removal to a -larger ship, reciting the words of the petition, to the following effect : — " Whereas A. B. of his Majesty's ship — , has informed us, that having the mis- fortune to be six feet three inches high, and his cabin being neither in height nor length above four feet six inches, he can neither lie, sit, stand, nor even kneel at his devotions ; this is therefore to certify, that we appoint him to the ? a ship commodious for the above purposes." 72& A certain sea captain, who had considerable NAVAL. 247 interest with his brother officers, and the cook aboard his vessel, were once to be tried for an offence against the laws of the navy, of such a nature as put their lives in some jeopardy. The cook displayed every mark of fear and apprehension for his safety. The captain, on the contrary, seemed in very good spirits, and said, " Cheer up, man, why should you be cast down ! I fear nothing, and why should you ?" — '* Why faith, your honour/' replied the fellow, "I should be as courageous as you are, if we were to be tried by a jury of cooks/' 729. A brave tar, with a wooden leg, who was on board Admiral Duncan's fleet in the late engagement with the Dutch, having the misfortune to have the other shot off, as his comrades were conveying him to the surgeon, notwithstanding the poignancy of his agonies, could not suppress his joke, saying, " It was high time for him to leave off play, when his last pin was bowled down." 730. Some convicts in a storm calling out on the Supreme Being to aid them — " Be silent," said an officer, " do not remind Providence that you are on board, for th.n we shall all perish." 731. The following singular trait of a sailor may be relied on as a fact : — Mr. Lawson, master painter of the dock-yard at New York, was a man whose face was very much disfigured with the small-pox, and going through the dock gates one day, he was ac- costed in a tremendous loud, hoarse voice by a sailor, whose face was very roughly hewn, in the following singular maimer : — " Sir, I have got your knife," pulling out a large clasp knife, about two feet long, and striving to thrust it into Mr. Lawson's hand. " My knife," exclaimed Mr. Lawson, " you can have i*q knife of mine, for I neither lost one, nor did I e^er carry such a knife/- The sailor still kept roaring out, £48 NAVAL. " Sir, the knife is yours, and you must take it." Upon this Mr. Lawson began to suspect that there was something more than ordinary in the fellow's be- haviour, and asked him what he meant by such con- duct. " Why, sir," said the sailor, " I belong to the IJgly Club in London, and the members are pre- sented each with a knife, which they are bound, by the laws of the club, to present to any person they meet uglier than themselves; and now, sir, as I con- sider you several degrees uglier than myself, shiver my timbers but you must take it ;" and, thrusting the knife into Mr. Lawson's pocket, he ran away. 732. The introduction of a certain naval officer to the Prince of Wales, and their present intimacy, ori- ginated in the following whimsical circumstance :— - His royal highness was disputing with a gentleman on the subject of naval tactics, and finally agreed to refer the decision to the son of Neptune, who was in an adjoining room. A note was dispatched by the gentlemen, requesting the officer's opinion, and con- cluding with this inaccuracy of spelling — "You must be a very competent judge, having been hread to the sea/' This was the neat and sarcastical reply — " I never was bread to the sea, but the sea was bread to me, and very bad bread it was." 733. A sea officer, for his courage in a former en- gagement where he had lost his leg, had been pre- ferred to the command of a good ship ; in the heat of the next engagement a cannon ball took off his wooden deputy, so that he fell upon the deck ; a sea- man thinking he had been fresh wounded, called out for the surgeon ; "No, no/' said the captain, "the carpenter will do." 734. A master of a ship walking about on deck, calling into the hold, " Who is there 1" A boy an- swered, " Will, sir. v — " W r hat are you doing T— NAVAL; 249 * Nothing, sir."— "Is Tom there?"— " Yes," says Tom. " What are you doing, Tom ?" — " Helping Will, sir." 735. Several gentlemen, of ingenious invention, ot extraordinary credulity, having amused a company by a successive detail of wondrous events, a ship- master observed, " Gentlemen, these narratives which you have given are doubtless strange and unaccount- able, but I can tell you a circumstance which occurred to myself, not less true, and still more incredible. L»ast year, coming home from the West Indies, and being on the banks of Newfoundland, my people hooked an immense shark. The monster made such resistance as they were hauling him up, that I was afraid he might break the rope and escape. I ran down to the cabin and fetched my pistols, which, for security's sake, I always keep loaded. As they had got his head to the surface of the water, I levelled a pistol to fire at him ; but, just as I was going to pull the trigger, in a too eager anxiety the pistol dropped from my hand, and, about the same moment, the shark, making a violent effort, broke the line and escaped. Well, gentlemen, being nearly on the same spot on my last homeward voyage, the crew again hooked a shark, which, after much exertion, they were fortunate enough to get on board, and as, after cutting off the tail, (which you know, gentlemen, is the most powerful part of this fish) they were ripping up the belly, I was surprised to hear what appeared like the report of a pistol ; but, judge my astonish- ment, when I found that this was the identical shark hooked on my former voyage ; that my pistol had fallen into its mouth, and, from its voracity, been swallowed into its stomach, that it had there re- mained dormant, till the operation of cutting it up had, probably by contactioii of the chopper and the flint, made the piece go off!" £50 NAVAL. 736. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to pre- scribe salt-water for his patients in all disorders. Hav- ing sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he hap- pened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The cap- tain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars, next day, if he had heard any thing of the doctor? " Yes/' answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, " he was drowned, last night, in his medicine chest" 737. An honest tar being at a qmtker's meeting, heard the friend that was holding forth speak with great vehemence against the ill consequence of giving the lie in conversation ; and therefore advisied that, when any man told a tale not consistent with truth or probability, the hearer should only cry " Twang V which could not irritate people to passion like the lie. Afterwards he digressed into the story of the miracle of five thousand being fed with five loaves of bread, &c. he then told them that they were not such loaves as those used now-a-days, but were as big as moun- tains ; at which the tar uttered, with a loud voice— u Twang/ 7 — " What," says the quaker, " dost thou think I lie, friend/' — " No," says Jack, " but I am thinking how big the ovens were that baked them." 738. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of Biscay, and LTnvhicible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquien, who was the com- mander, was brought aboard the admiral's ship, where seeing La Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, " My lord, you have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.*' 739. A sailor meeting with an old messmate, whom the world had frowned a little upon, asked him where lie lived ? u Where I live" said he, " 1 don't know ; but I starve towards Wapping, and that way/' NAVAL. 251 740. A captain of a man of war had got a circle round him in one of the rooms at Bath, and was en- tertaining them with the relation of some marvellous phenomenon which he* had seen at lea. Looking round, he observed Nash laughing, on which he be- came angry, and asked, whether Nash did not be- lieve what he said ? " Why, sir/' said Nash, " did you see it?" — " Yes I did/' answered the captain. " Well, if you saw it/' says Nash, ** I will believe it : but I would not if I had seen it myself." This gentleman, however, soon after returned the compli- ment ; for Nash was one of those who shot with a long bow, or, in other words, paid but little regard to truth in his sallies of wit and humour ; and having told a most confounded large story, the captain gave a hem ; upon which Nash made up to him, " And so, captain/' says he, u you won't believe this ?" — " Why yes," said the captain, M I will, Nash, to oblige you ; but I'll be hung if I believe such another confounded lie to oblige any man living/' 741. A sailor robbed of his money in a house of ill fame, swore he would have revenge from the first person he should meet ; and accordingly stopped a gentleman next morning, and made him deliver his purse. Being committed for the robbery, he wrote the following epistle to King Charles II. " King Charles, " One of thy subjects robbed me of forty pounds, for which I robbed another of a like sum, and he has inhumanly sent me to Newgate, swearing I shall be hanged. Save my life, your majesty, or you'll lose one of the best seamen in your navy. " Thine, "Jack Skifton/ The Answer, " Jack Skifton, " For this time I will save thee from the 252 NAVAL. gallows ; but I assure thee, if hereafter thou art guilty of the like, I'll have thee hanged. " Charles R," 742. Two sailors were taken before a magistrate by a very active village constable, for lifting an ass over the wall of a pound, where it was confined. On being asked the reason for their conduct, the tars, with true humanity and character, made the following re- ply: — " V\ hy lookee, master, we saw this here animal aground, without victuals, d'ye see, sir, and so my messmate and I agreed to cut his cable and give him his liberty, because we have known, before now, what it is to be at short allowance !" 743. In the great Dutch war, in the reign of Charles 11. the English fleet and that of Holland fought in the channel for three lays successively, en- gaged in the day, and lying-to that you was glad the fellow had got into the Haymarket, for he would find some- thing now to wash his shirt with." — " Aye, now, the last saying you remember is a confounded lie, which you have made to plague me. I said you would get something to wash your shirt with, did I ? Why, I never knew that you had a shirt to wash." 805. Quin, dining one day at an ordinary, was seated next to a person of a most voracious disposi- tion ; and observing him to cut a very large piece of bread, which he laid by his plate against the bringing up of dinner, the wit took it up, and pretended to cut a piece off it. This was quickly noticed by the other, who told him, in a very abrupt manner, that it was his bread. 1 ask your pardon, sir," said Quin, in his usual deliberate way, " I really took it for the loaf/' 806. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I. " But by what laws," said his opponent, " was he put to death by his subjects?" Quin replied, "J3y all the laws that he had left them." 807. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be THEATRICAL. £73 admitted on the stage. Asa specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet, " To be, or not to be, that is the question." Quin indignant at the man's absurd elocution, ex- claimed very decisively, " No question, upon my honour ; not to be, most certainly." 808. When Quin, once dined at the country house of a nobleman, famous for his parsimony, the peer apologized for treating his guest with port wine only, because the butler had lost the key of the claret- cellar. The table being cleared of a scanty desert, and the port wine finished, the noble lord took his guest into his garden, where was an aviary, with a number of foreign birds, and among others an os-*. trich. " This bird," said he, " has many strange pro- perties, and can digest iron."-— u Can he?" replied Quin ; u why then I suppose he may have swallowed and digested the key of your claret-cellar, and if I might advise your lordship, you had better get another made as soon as possible." 809. A young fellow offered himself to the manager of Covent Garden Theatre, who desired him to give a specimen of his abilities to Mr. Quin. After he had rehearsed a speech or two, in a wretched manner, Quin asked him, with a contemptuous sneer, whether he had ever done any part in comedy. The young fellow answered, " That he had done the part of Abe], in the Alchymist." To which Quin replied, u You mistake, it was the part of Cain you acted ; for I am sure you murdered A bel" 810. Quin, complaining of his old age and infirmi- ties one day in the public rooms at Bath, a pert young coxcomb asked him, " What would you give to be as young as I am ?"— " I do not know," says Quin , £74 THEATRICAL. measuring him very contemptuously, " I should be almost content to be as foolish." 811. A gentleman in a coffee-house called " Waiter! bring me a glass of brandy ; I am very hot." Ano- ther, " Waiter ! a glass of brandy ; I am devilish cold." Mr. Quin, " Waiter! give me a glass of brandy, because I like it." 812. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an elegant negligee dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. " Waiter !" said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, " waiter ! fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr I" Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, " Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as fire, and strong as brandy !" The beau, starting, exclaimed, " Waiter, pray what is that gentleman's name V Quin, in his usual tremendous tone, exclaim- ed, " Waiter, pray what is that lady's name." 813. Quin told Lady Berkeley, who was a beauti- ful woman, that she looked blooming as the spring ; but, recollecting that the season was not then very promising, he added, M I wish the spring would look like your ladyship." 814. A candidate for the stage was desired to recite some lines before Mr. Quin. While he was tearing away a tragedy speech, a dog set up a howling, which drowned Mr. Daggerwood's voice. Quin ex- claimed, u A dog of judgment, indeed !" and turned on his heel. Macklin. 815. Macklin, the player, once going to one of the fire-offices to insure some property, was asked by the clerk, how he would please to have his name entered ? u Entered," replied the veteran, " why, I am only THEATRICAL. 275 plain Charles Macklin, a vagabond, by act of parlia- ment ; but, in compliment to the times, you may set me down Charles Macklin, Esq. as they are now sy- nonimous terms. 7 '' 816. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a lite- rary subject, Johnson quoted Greek, " I do not un- derstand Greek/' said Macklin. " A man who argues should understand every language/' replied Johnson. " Very well/' said Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish. 817. While Macklin was a young man and in In- dia, in the course of some convivialities with his bro- ther officers, he happened to have a quarrel with one of them, which was taken up so high on both sides, that nothing less than a duel was to determine it. Accordingly, it was agreed the parties should meet the next morning, at an appointed place, with seconds and pistols. When Macklin came upon the ground, he appeared wrapped up from head to foot in a loose great coat, that no part of his figure could be distin- guished but his head. This was thought an odd dress for a man to fight a duel in ; however, it passed with- out notice till the ground was measured out, and the antagonists were desired to take their different stands; when, to the surprise of all, Macklin throwing off his great coat, appeared in a perfect state of nature, with- out any other article of dress about him than a pair of morocco slippers. His antagonist, alarmed, asked him the cause of so odd an appearance. " Why, sir/' says Macklin very coolly, ik I will tell you with great candour, that in order, if you please, you may take the same advantage yourself. It is this — I am told that most of the wounds which prove mortal in India, arise from some part of the woollen or linen, which a man generally carries about him in these encounters, being forced into the flesh along with the ball, and which occasions, in this very hot climate, a £70 THEATRICAL. speedy mortification. Now, in order to avoid this, I am determined to fight quite naked, just as you see, that if I should have the misfortune of being wound- ed, I shall at least have a better chance of recovery." The firmness of this declaration, and the savage figure which presented itself before him, deterred his antagonist from proceeding any further, his second declaring they were not on a par for safety, and the alternative of fighting a duel naked, was neither agreeable to the laws of honour, or of decency. 818. Foote, who was ever in the extremes of for- tune, now at the top and now at the bottom of her wheel, happened at one time to be in the latter con- dition, and in company with Macklin at the Bedford Coffee-house, when Foote, perhaps to keep up the ap- pearance of prosperity, was every now and then shewing off a fine gold repeating watch, which he kept either dangling in his hand, or up to his ear. At last he suddenly exclaimed, " Zounds ! my watch is stopt !" — " Poh ! poh !" said Macklin, " nevermind that 8am ; you may depend upon it, it will soon go." Foote. 819. Foote after an infinite number of pressing in- vitations from Mr. Sheriff Vailiant, to take a casual dinner with him, as he frequently passed his house, in the road to his little mansion at Elstree, called and had such a reception as might be expected from an avaricious man. The door, in obedience to his knock, opened, when he saw the sheriff pop out of the back door into the garden. He then asked the ser- vant if her master was at home " JNo, ,; said the, tutored female. " By your permission, then, my dear," replied the visitor, " III take a walk in your garden/' — " By all means," replied the obliging fair one. As soon as he entered the garden, he saw the sheriff enter the temple of ihc goddess Cloacina, where he kept him close prisoner for upwards of an THEATRICAL. £77 hour and a half. Determined, however, to let him know, that he had seen him, and to have the full en- joyment of his joke, he knocked at the door of the fragrant tenement, saying with a loud voice, " You may come out, Mr. Sheriff, for I am going/' 820. To recollect the name of any person, though ever so much in the habits of intimacy with Rich, was, either really or affectedly, beyond the ordinary reach of his memory. He generally addressed the person, " Mr/' or " Madam/' while a long pause, and a pinch of snuff, filled up the interval of repeat- ing the surname ; and if he did attempt the name, he was sure to miscall it. When he was first ac- quainted withFoote, the latter observed this singular- ity, and would never answer to the name of " Mr." Rich felt this, and said, " Oh, Mr. Footty, I beg your pardon/' — " My name's Foote, sir," said the wit, gravely. " Well, well, Mr. Footty, it may be so ; but youil excuse me, for really 1 am so absent a man, that I frequently forget my own name/' — " That's extraordinary, indeed/ 7 said Foote ; for though I know it is impossible for some men to write or spell their own name, I thought every blackguard knew how to sound it/' 821. Mrs. Reddish playing the Queen in Richard, one night, at Drury-lane Theatre, and being rather of a coarse masculine make, a gentleman asked Foote, who sat next him, who she was ? Being told her name was Reddish, " : Reddish, Reddish!" says the gentle- man, endeavouring to recollect her. " Aye, sir," said the wit, " Horse Reddish." 822. Not long before his death, Foote went to spend his Christmas with a friend in the country, when the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by the scarcity of wood in the house, he determined to make his visit as short as possible ; ac- 2 B •2t'8 THEATRICAL. cordingly, on the third day after he went there, he or- dered his chaise, and was preparing to set out for town. The gentleman seeing him with his boots on in the morning, asked what hurry he was in, and pressed him to stay. " No, no/' says Foote, " was I to stay any longer you would not let me have a leg to stand on." — " Why, sure/ 7 says the other, "we do not drink so much/ 7 — " No," says the wit, " but there is so little wood in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fires some morning with my right leg." 823. Foote, when at Paris, was walking with a Frenchman who had never been in England, and was very partial to his own country. After asking Foote many questions, he said, " Now, as to a river, you have nothing like this in London f pointing at the same time to the Seine. To this the English wit replied, " We had just such another lately," alluding to Fleet-ditch ; " but we have tilled it up, not having any use for it." 824. Holland, the comedian, whose father was a baker, at his death appointed Foote one of his pall- bearers. The burying-place of the family was at Battersea, where Foote having attended, to discharge the last duty to his friend, returned to town; and willing to get rid of his grief, went to the Bedford Coffee-house in quest of some friends. The busi- ness he had been upon being well known, one of the company addressed him with, " Well, sir, you have just been paying the last kind office to your friend?" To which Foote replied, u Yes, poor boy, I have just been lending a hand to shove him into the family oven." 825. Baddeley, previous to his becoming a player, was a cook. The first character he happened to ap- pear jn, it was necessary that he should wear a THEATRICAL* £79 sword. Foote seeing him thus equipped, immedi- ately exclaimed, " Ah, Baddeley ! 1 am heartily glad to see you in the way of complete transmigra- tion ; you have turned your spit into a sword already." 826. Major B , a great gambler, said to Foote, " Since I saw you I have lost an eye." — " I am sorry for it," said Foote, " pray at what game ?' 827. To a man who had very narrowly escaped the pillory for perjury, Foote, who came to Bath to be cured of a jaundice, said, " So, my good friend, you and I come here to have the eggs washed off our feces." 828. When Foote published his Englishman at Paris, he wrote the following dedication to his book- seller : " Having no obligations to any lord or lady of these kingdoms, and wishing my play to have a protector, I beg leave to thank you for the neatness of the impression, the beauty of the type, and the fineness of the paper, with which you have honoured the work of your humble servant, Sam. Foote, 829. Mrs. Foote, mother of our Aristophanes, was nearly as eccentric and whimsical a character as her son. The day she was sent prisoner to the King's Bench, Foote was taken to a spunging-house, and the following short epistles passed between them : " Dear Sam, I am in prison. Ann Foote." Answer. — " Dear Mother, So am I. Sam. Foote." 830. A gentleman in company with Foote, at the Smyrna Coffee-house, took up a newspaper, saying, prising, as Tom D knew him well, and thought him far from being a fool — u Ah, poor Tom," said Foote, " he is like one of those who eat garlic them- selves, and therefore cannot smell it in a companion." 833. Previously to Foote's bringing out his primi- tive puppet-shew, a lady asked him, " Pray, sir, are your puppets to be as large as life/' — " Oh, dear ma- dam, no; not much above the size of Garrick." 834. Foote dining at the house of Mrs. Thrale found nothing to his liking, and sat in expectation of something better coming up. A neck of mutton being the last thing, he refused it, as he had the other dishes. As the servant was taking it away, however* understanding that there was nothing more, he called out to the fellow, " Hollo, master, bring that back again ; I now find it is neck or nothing" £35. Foote, being at Dover, in his way to France^ THEATEICAL. £81 went into the kitchen of the inn to order a parti- cular dish for his dinner, The cook, understanding that he was about to embark for France (and per- haps willing to have a satirical stroke at French travellers,) was bragging that, for her part, she was never once out of her own country. Foofe, who had humour of every kind ready on all occasions, instantly replied — " Why, Cookey, that's very extra- ordinary ; as they tell me, above stairs, that you have been several times all over grease" — " They may say what they please above stairs or below stairs," replied the cook, " but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life/' — " Nay, now, that must be a fib,'' said Foote, " for I have myself seen you at spit-head. 17 The servants by this time caught the joke, and a roar of laughter ran round the kitchen, which ended in his giving them a crown to drink his health and a good voyage. 836. A conceited young man asking Foote what apology lie should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had a card of invitation : '- Oh, my dear sir!" replied the wit, " say nothing about it, you were never missed." 837. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carnage, asked Foote for a motto. " There is one from Ham- let," said the wit, " that will match you to a button- hole— -List I List ! Oh List V' 838. Foote being engaged at a rout at Lady Har- rington's, found the ladies all so thickly seated, that on his entering the drawing-room he could not get a place to sit down in. " Come, Foote/' says her ladyship, " you must not be kept standing, take a chair." — " You are very obliging, my lady," said the wit, " but there appears to me to be more bot- toms than chairs at present about the room/' 2 b 3 28£ THEATRICAL. 839. Soon after Mr. Foote had his house at North- end, Fulham, fitted up, a friend came to see him. Sam, having carried him through the house, asked how he liked it ; he answered, that it was very neat, and handsomely furnished, but at the same time, that there was not a room " fit to swing a cat in" — " Sir/' says Foote, " I do not mean it to swing cats in." 840. Every body, who remembers Mr. Foote. must remember the beautiful set of dun horses with which he used to drive his carriage. On being compliment- ed respecting their appearance one day, " Yes," re- plied the wag, " I am never without a set of duns in my retinue ; but with this difference, that in the summer I drive the duns, and in the winter the duns drive me J 1 841. Foote, whose talent lay in mimicry, even in his early days, had a knack of imitating the late Ge- neral JBlakeney, in the shrug of his shoulders, and the lisping of his speech, for which the general was remarkable, so that it grew a common topic among his acquaintance, who used to say, " Come, Sam, let us have the general." A friend at length acquainted Blakeney, who sent for Foote : •' Sir," said he, " I hear you have an excellent talent at mimicking cha- racters, and, among the rest, I find I have been the subject of your ridicule." — " Oh, sir," says Foote with great pleasantry, " I take ail my acquaintance off at times, and what is more particular, I often take myself off" — " Gad, so," says the other, " pray, let us have a specimen." Foote on this put on his hat and gloves, took his cane, and making a short bow, left the room. The general waited some minutes for his return ; but at length, on inquiry, found Jie had really taken himself off, by leaving the house. Garrick. 842. A Scotchman presented a tragedy to Mr. Gar- THEATRICAL, £83 rick, who, after some time, returned it, saying — That lie did not think tragedy was the gentleman's forte. — " Then, sir," said the other, taking a manuscript from his pocket, " here's a comedy; and let me tell ye, it's the first comedy that was ever wrote by any of my country." This, however, Mr. Garrick like- wise returned, observing, " When I said that trage- dy was not your forte, I did not mean that comedy was." 843. When Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was induced, from curiosity, or perhaps jea- lousy, to be present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding " I think I struck out some beauties in it." — " I think," said Garrick, " you struck out all the beauties in it." 844. At the rehearsal of Venice Preserved, when a new actress, highly recommended to Garrick, was to make her debut in Belvidera, she repeated that tender exclamation, " Would you kill my father, Jaffier ?" with so much sang froid, that Garrick whis- pered her nearly in the same tone, " Can you chop cabbage, madam V 845. The first time Henderson the player rehearsed a part at Drury-lane, George Garrick said as he en- tered, " I only come as a spectator." Soon after, he made some objections to Henderson's playing ; and the new actor retorted, " I thought you only came as Spectator, but you are turning Toiler" — " Never mind him," said David Garrick very good-naturedly ; " let him be what he will, I will be Guardian" 846. Mr. Twiss, a romancing traveller, was talking of a church he had seen in Spain a mile and a half long. " Bless me !" said Garrick, " how broad was itW "About ten yards," said Twiss. "This is, 284 THEATRICAL* you'll observe, gentlemen," said Garrick to the com- pany, " not a round lie, but differs from his other stories, which are generally as broad as they are long." 847. The Dutchess of Kingston asked Garrick one day, why Love was represented as a child. He re* plied, " Because love never reaches the age of wis- dom and experience." 848. A friend made Garrick a present of a case that contained a razor, a strap, and a shaving-box ; and telling him that he would find some very pretty little things in it, " I hope," said Garrick, " as I cannot shave myself, that one of them is a pretty little bar- ber/' 849. The expression of Garrick's eyes, and the flexibility of his features, are well known to have given him the most extraordinary advantages in the representation of various characters. He sometimes availed himself of these natural assistances, to pro- duce a ludicrous scene among his friends. He fre- quently visited Mr, Bigby, at Misley Thorn in Essex. Mr. Bigby one day inquired of his servant, what com- pany was arrived. The servant said, Lord M was come, and had brought with him a short gentle- man with very bright eyes — meaning Mr. Garrick. " Why have I not the pleasure of seeing them here?" said Mr. Bigby. " I don't know," said the servant, ** how long it will be before my lord can make his ap- pearance ; for the case is this : — the barber came to shave his lordship ; and just as he had shaved half his lordship's face, the short gentleman with the bright eyes began to read the newspaper to him ; but he read it in such a droll way, and made so many odd faces, that my lord laughed, and the barber laughed, and when I went into the room, I could not help laughing too ; so that, sir, if you don't send for the short gen- tleman, his lordship must appear at dinner with one THEATRICAL. 285 side of his face smooth, and the other with a beard of two days' growth/' 850, When Garrick and Mr. Rigby were once walking together in Norfolk, they observed upon a board at a house by the road side, the following strange inscription : " A go s koored hear" — " Strange indeed!'' said Rigby; " how is it possible that such people as these can cure agues V " I do not know/' replied Garrick, " what their prescription is, but I am certain it is not by a spell" Richard Burbidge. 851. One evening, when the tragedy of Richard the Third was to be acted, the poet observed a smart damsel trip behind the scenes, and slily whisper to Burbidge (a favourite player, and an intimate of Shakespeare's, who was to perform the part of Rich- ard), that her master had gone out of town in the morning — that her mistress would be glad of his com- pany after the play, and that she begged to know what signal he would use. " Three taps on the door, my dear, and 'Tis I, Richard the Third," was the an- swer of Burbidge. The girl decamped; and Shake- speare, whose curiosity was sufficiently excited, fol- lowed her steps till he saw her enter a house in the city. On inquiry in the neighbourhood, he found that the owner of the mansion was a wealthy merchant, but superannuated, and exceedingly jealous of his young wife. At length the hour of rendezvous ap- proached ; and the poet, having givefrrthe appointed signal, obtained instant admission. Nothing could equal the indignation of the lady when she found her- self in the amis of a stranger. He flattered and vow- ed ; she frowned and stormed : but it was not in wo- man to resist the soft eloquence of a Shakespeare. In a word, the bard supplanted the player. The re- 286 THEATRICAL. presentative of Richard appeared. No sooner had he given the appointed taps, than Shakespeare, putting his head out of the window, demanded his business. " 'Tis I, 'tis I, Richard the Third/' replied the impa- tient Burbridge. " Richard !" rejoined the other : *f knave, begone : know that William the Conqueror reigned before Richard the Third" Sir William Davenant. 852. Colonel Congreve's apparatus for securing Drury-Iane Theatre against fire, brings to mind what Sir William Davenant said to the audience on an alarm of fire when he was manager. — He begged the people not to be at all uneasy : for he had the happi- ness to assure them, that, if necessary, he could drown the whole pit in less than five minutes ! CoLLEY ClBBER. 853. Theophilus Cibber was very extravagant ; he one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. " Zounds ! sir/' said Colley, " can't you live upon your salary? When I was your age I never spent any of my father's money/' — " But I am sure, sir, you have spent a great many hundred pounds of my fa- ther's money," replied the young man. This retort had its effect. Quin. 854. When Quin lodged in the country, he lost his horse ; and on asking a country fellow if they had any thieves among them, for that his horse was stolen — " No/' says Hodge, " we all be honest fellows here ; but they says as how there be one Quin hereabouts, a player-man from London: mayhap he may have stolen him." 855. Quin, when once dining with a friend, on a Sunday, called lustily for the pudding. The cook THEATRICAL. 287 had forgot it. " Oh ! the Sabbath-breaking jade," exclaimed he, " no wonder we have earthquakes," 856. Madam Rollan, who some years since died at Paris, was a principal dancer at Covent Garden, as far back as fifty years past, when she was held in that public esteem, that, having one day sprained her ancle, no less an actor than Quin was ordered, by the managers, to make an apology to the audience, for her not appearing in the dance. Quin, who in ad- dition to his aversion of the French, looked upon all dances as the mere garnish of the stage, at first de- murred, but being threatened with a forfeiture, he growlingly came forward, and, in a coarse way, thus addressed the audience : — " Ladies and Gentlemen, " I am desired by the manager to inform you, that the dance intended for this night, is obliged to be postponed on account of Mademoiselle Rollan having dislocated her ancle— I wish it had been her neck, the jade" 857. The following laughable incident, that hap- pened at a rehearsal of Coriolanus, while it was pre- paring for the benefit of Thomson's sisters, is thus related by the celebrated Mrs. Bellamy : — Mr. Quin's pronunciation was of the old school. In this Mr, Garrick had made an alteration. The one pronounced the letter a open : the other sounded it like an e ; which occasioned the following ludicrous mistake. In the piece, when the Roman ladies come in procession to solicit Coriolanus to return to Rome, they are at- tended by the tribunes; and the centurions of the Volscian army bearing fasces, their ensigns of autho- rity, which they are ordered by the hero (the part of which was played by Mr. Quin) to lower, as a token of respect. But the men who personated the centu- rions imagining, through Mr. Quin's mode of pronim- 288 THEATRICAL. ciation, that he said their faces, instead of their fasces, all bowed their heads together. Macklin. 858. When Macklin gave lectures on the drama, Foote being one evening present, talking and laugh- ing very loud just before the lecture began, Maekfin, offended, called out rather pettishly, " Sir, you seem to be very merry there ; but do you know what I am going to say now?" — " No, sir/' said Foote; " pray do you V T Foote. 859. As the late Sam Foote was, in the early part of his life, one night walking down a street in the neighbourhood of Oxford Road, he was accosted with great civility by a shabb}-looking man, who asked nim the way to Tyburn. To which Foote replied— " My good fellow, you have only to rob the first per- son you meet, and you'll find your way there very easily." The fellow very heartily thanked him for his advice, and, presenting a pistol, ordered him to de- liver his money, on pain of having his brains blown out ; with which injunction he was obliged to comply, though to his great mortification ; as he lost both his jest and his money. 860. G. S. Carey, when a very young man, intro- duced Foote in his Lecture on Mimicry, with very great success, which wasped Foote very much ; and, meeting Carey one day with two or three of his young friends, he said, " Harkye, young gentleman, if you follow the practice of taking me off night after night, as you do, I will be a thorn in your foot" On which Carey replied, u "Will ^ou ? then I'll be a foot in your hreech." At which Fpote looked at him with his usual grin, took a pinch of snuff, and decamped. 861 Foote had his weaknesses, and was never so THEATRICAL. 289 happy as when the company laughed heartily at his jest. John Palmer wanted to procure an engagement for his brother Robert ; and Griffiths, the late prompt- er at the Royalty Theatre, wished for a situation likewise. Both parties attended at the Hay market Theatre, and it was not long before Mr. Foote start- ed a witticism, at which Griffiths pretended to laugh immoderately, and wiped the tears from his eyes which, he never shed. The manoeuvre had an effect, Foote immediately inquired who he was, and seemed dis- posed to listen to his terms, until another jest escaped the lips of Aristophanes, when, to make his ground sure, Griffiths began again, even louder than before: but here he was foiled; for Palmer and his brother (who had his cue) made such a bellowing, and accom- panied it with the beating of their sticks so loud, that Foote caught Jack Palmer's hand in rapture, swore he was a clever fellow, scowled at Griff, and Bob was engaged. 862. When some one was once lamenting Foote's unlucky fate, in being kicked in Dublin, Johnson said he was glad of it: — " He is rising in the world," add- ed he ; ki when he was in England, no one thought it worth while to kick him." Garrick. 863. Dr. Monsey meeting Garrick in the Strand, in a pensive mood, asked him what he w r as thinking of. " Thinking of," said Garrick — " I was thinking what a fool I have been through life, scraping up money from morning till night, and all for whom? why for George and his children, who may make ducks aud drakes of it." — kt Why then," said Mon- sey, *- don't you do as I do ; spend your money your- self, and save your executors the trouble ?"— u And so I will," cried Garrick. " With a courage,," said Monsey, in telling the story, "that at the time I thought natural; but, alas! turning the corner of 2 c 290 THEATRICAL. Southampton-street, he unfortunately met the ghost of a farthing, and all his boasted resolution vanished into air." 864. When Hopkins, the Drury-lane prompter, once recommended a man to be engaged as mechanist in preparing the scenery of a new pantomime, Gar- rick made the following objections to employ him :— <4 Southampton-street, Thursday morning. " I tell you, Hopkins, the man will never answer the purpose of the theatre. In the first place, he can- not make a moon, I would not give him three-pence a dozen for such moons as he shewed me this day. His suns are, if possible, worse : besides, I gave him directions about the clouds, and such clouds were never seen since the flood. Desire the carpenter to knock the rainbow to pieces ; 'tis execrable ; his stars were the only things tolerable. I make no doubt of his honesty ; but, until he can make a good sun, moon, and raiyiboiVy I must dispense with his future services. " D. Gariuck." 865. Garrick, one day, went into the painting- room, and seeing, as he imagined, a prodigious quan- tity of gold about the floor, began to abase first the man who was grinding the colours, and afterwards to bawl out lustily for* French, the painter. French made his appearance, and was thus accosted. " Why — why — hey — why you, Mr. French, is not it — ey — the cursedest thing, that you will, in this harum ska- rum manner — he — a — ruin me \" — " God bless my soul," cried French; "what is the matter, sir." — " The matter, sir — why where are you — with your lack-lustre eyes — don't you see the ground all strew- ed with gold. I believe you think I roll in money " —"Gold, sir! — oh, what the Dutch metal that we have rubbed off in gilding the new scene? — it is not worth two-pence." — " Well — two-pence —and pray THEATRICAL. 2Q1 why the devil should I lose two-pence ? — do you con- sider what two-pence a day will amount to in a year/' — •" Well, sir, it is nothing out of your pocket/* — " Yes, sir, but — a— yaw — you — are a curious sort of a hey — how is it nothing out of my pocket?' 7 — "-Why you know, sir, I have a salary for finding all these things/'— "Oh — a — hey — a salary — why then, hang me, if I care two-pence about it. 77 866. The following correspondence, which actually took place in the year 1748, may serve to illustrate the theatrical management of that period. A man, of the name of Stone, who was frequently employed by Garrick to get recruits for the low parts of the drama, had hired a fellow to perform the Bishop of Winchester, in Henry the Eighth; but, on the night of performance, he sent a note to Garrick in these words: — "Sir, the Bishop of Winchester is getting drunk at the Bear, and swears he wont play to-night. I am yours, W. Stone/ 7 - To which Garrick imme- diately wrote this answer: — " Stone, the Bishop may go to the devil : I do not know a greater rascal, ex- cept yourself. D. G. -Some time afterwards Stone wrote as follows : — " Sir, Mr. Lacy turned me out of the lobby yesterday ; I only ax'd tor my two guineas for the last Bishop, and he swore I should not have a farthing. I cannot live upon air. I have a few Cupids, you may have them cheap, as they belong to a • poor journeyman shoemaker, who I drink with now and then. I am, &c. W. Stone/ 7 Answer. " Stone, you are the Lest fellow in the world : bring the Cu- pids to the theatre to-morrow. If they are under six, and well made, you shall have a guinea a-piece for them. If you can get me two good Murderers, I will pay you handsomely; particularly the spouting fel- low, who keeps the apple stand on Tower-hill : the cut in his face is just the thing. Pick me up an Al- derman or two, for Richard, if you can ; and I have 2 c 2 29% THEATRICAL. no objection to treat with you for a comely Mayor. D. G." 867. G-arrick, though accustomed to face multi- tudes, when once subpoenaed as a witness, was, in Westminster-Hail, so disconcerted by this new mode of public appearance, that he could scarcely compre- hend a question that was asked him, It was a cause wherein an actor claimed a free benefit ; that is, a be- nefit without paving the expeuses of the house ; but the meaning of the term was disputed, and Garriek was asked, "Sir, have you a. free benefit?" — " I have." — " What terms have you it upon?" — "The terms of a — of a — a — a — free benefit/' He was dis- missed as one from whom no information could be obtained. 868. (Garriek being asked by Johnson what people said of his Dictionary, told him, that among other animadversions, it was objected that he cited au- thori-ties which were beneath the dignity of such a work, and quoted Richardson. "Nay," said John- son, " I have done worse than that, / have quoted thee, David !" 869. Mr, Garriek passing through a town in York- shire, and seeiiig the Constant Couple, or al'rip to the Jubilee, advertised in the town, waited that night to see the play. The theatre happened to be a barn ; and Sir Harry Wildair, the hero of the piece, a re- cruiting serjeant, wiio wanted his left hand. At the opening, Mr. Garriek attended, as he thought, quite disguised: but it was not the case ; a man, who had been a candle-snuffer to Drury Lane, being one of the company, knew him, and communicated this knowledge to the rest of his brethren. A council was instantly called in the green-room ; the result of which was, to return him his entrance-money. The jnaa who found out the secret was deputed for that theatrical; purpose; who accordingly came round where Mr. Garrick was sitting, and after delivering the compli- ments of the gentlemen of the buskin, in very polite terms, begged the acceptance of his eighteen-pence, as they never took any thing from a brother. 870. The well-known Dagger Marr, Tommy Clough, and Harry Vaughan, all of Drury-lane The- atre, met one morning at rehearsal : Clough kept his hand in his coat-pocket a long time, which Dagger taking notice of, asked him what he had got there ? u I have got a partridge," says Clough, " which I intend to present to the little man," meaning Mr. Garrick. " Tut !" says Vaughan, " he wont accept of it." — " Wont he," says Dagger, who was well ac- quainted with the penurious spirit of Garrick, "yes, I warrant you he'll take it, or a roll and treacle if you offer it to him." 871. When Foote was at Paris for the last time, in the course of an evening's conversation with some English gentlemen, the subject turned on Garrick's acting ; when some of the company expressed thodr fears of that great performer's relinquishing the stage. * Make yourselves easy on that head," replied the wit; " for he'd play Richard before a kitchen fire in the dog-days, provided he was sure of getting a sop in the pan." 872. A gentleman who called to pay a morning visit to Foote, took notice of a bust of Garrick on a bureau. — <% Do you know my reasons," said Foote, " for making Garrick stand sentry there?"— " No/' replied his friend. " I placed him there re- sumed the wit, " to take care of my money, for I can't take care of it myself." Spranger Barry. 873- The celebrated Mr. Barry, to his silver voice £94 THEATRICAL. added all the addresses and powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed a bill for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding his money of the servant. Mr. Barry, overhearing him, said from above, " Don't be in a passion, but do me the favour to walk up stairs, and we 11 speak on the business." — u Not I," answered the man, " you owe me, Mr. Barry, a hun- dred pounds already, and if you get me up stairs you wont let me leave you till you owe me two." Moss op. 874. The late Mr. Mossop the player always spoke in heroics. A cobler in Dublin, who once brought homo his boots, refused to leave them without the money. Mossop returned during the time he was disputing, and looking sternly, exclaimed, "Tell me, are you the noted colder I have often heard of?" — «.' " Yes/' said the fellow, " and I think you the divert- ing vagabond I have often seen." Shuter. 875. Ned Shufer was often very poor, and, being still more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to him, " Why, Ned ! are you not ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don't you get them mended?'' — " No, my friend," said Ned, "I am above it; and, if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than one darn." — " i low the deuce do you make that out?" replied the other. *' Why," replied Ned, " a hole is the accident of the day ; but a darn is premeditated poverty." Hull. 876. Tommy Hull, who is well known to have been the apologist-general at Coveut Garden Theatre for aoout tive-and-twenty years, took it into his' head, at THEATRICAL. 295 the time of the dispute between Keppel and Palliser, to distinguish himself as a lad of liberty. On the night when all London was illuminated on Keppel's acquittal, he undertook, not only to light up his tene- ment in Martlet-court, Bow-street, but to treat the populace with small beer. They had drank ail but one barrel, which, out of wantonness, because it was rather stale, they left running. The door was now shut, lest some of the liberty boys should take a fancy to the silver spoons. At this they grew clamorous, and bawled out very outrageously for some beer. Tommy, as was his custom, thinking it high time he should now make his appearance, popped his red night-cap-head out of the window, and there was im- mediately a cry of " Hear him, hear him." When he thus begun: — " Ladies and gentlemen, I have the misfortune to tell you, that the spiggott is out of the faucet, and the small beer is run about the cellar, and we humbly hope for your usual indulgence." Thornton. 877. Thornton, the Windsor manager, having con- stantly an eye to his interest, one evening, during the performance of Richard the Third, gave a tolerable, proof of that being his leading principle. Repre- senting the crook-back tyrant, he exclaimed : " Hence, babbling dreams ! you threaten here in vain ! Conscience avaunt ! — \_Hiai man in the brown wig there has got into the pit without paying !] Richard's himself again I" 878. The king having commanded the farce of the Quaker, at Windsor, Mr. Thornton, (amongst other of his sprightly gambols) performed it without music. The next morning he went to Mr. Brawn, one of the pages, to apologize for the omission, and to say, he hoped his majesty was not offended. " No/' said 298 THEATRICAL, Mr. Brawn, " the king was very much pleased, for it made the piece so much shorter ; and he was tired be- fore it was half over, as it was." ASTLEY (SENR.) 879. Old Astley, one evening when his band was playing an overture, went up to the horn-players, and asked why they were not playing. They said they had twenty bars rest. " Rest !" says he, " I'll have nobody rest in my company ; I pay you for playing, not for resting" John Kemble. 880. John Kemble one evening performing Romeo, in the scene with the apothecary, gave a new reading, and instead of calling out, " What hoa, apothecary V in a strong voice, rather whispered the words. The gentleman who enacted the meagre apothecary, not being apprised of this, when he made his entree, asked, as usual, " Who calls so loud?" This threw the audience into a little confusion, and rather dis- concerted the performers. 881. When the same great actor once played Ham- let, at Lancaster, a comedian, named Davis, acted the first grave-digger ; and, as is usual, in provincial theatres, he, by his grimace, attracted the attention of the audience, making them laugh heartily, to the great annoyance of the Danish prince. Kemble, at the end of the tragedy, took him aside, told him that he intended to take the same play for his benefit in the ensuing week, and that he should be obliged to Mr. Davis, if he would act the part chastely (of which he was very capable), and which no doubt was the intention of our immortal bard. This Davis promised to do ; but, on the night, that promise was forgotten, and he again sought to excite the laughter of his au- dience, and with too much success. Mr. Kemble, highly exasperated, called out, " lor shame, sir V* THEATRICAL. 297 On which, the other stared him in the face, and very deliberately said, " Oh! what you don't like it." Then bobbing his head, he suddenly disappeared under the stage, like a rabbit burrowing, and left Hamlet and Horatio to finish the scene, tite-a-tcte. Johnston f. 882. J. Johnstone had a dispute with the marker at a billiard-ia.ik\ in Dublin, about ten shillings and a penny, whi< h the latter said he owed for games ; hut Johnstone, not recollecting the circumstance, re- fused to pay it. sometime afterwaids, performing in Cyrnon, where the verses of one of his songs con- cluded with, Sing hey dem % y dewy, sing hey derry deny/, to his great astonishment, he was always echoed by the marker from the gallery, with Pay me, Jack Johnstone, my ten and a penny, my ten and a penny. This Whimsical way of demanding payment prvoed very entertaining to the audience, and most effectu- ally answered the marker's expectation, in compel- ling Johnstone to pay the debt. Rock. 883. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to resort to the plan of a subscription ; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read it over, he returned. " Why, Rock," said the poor fellow, " wont you give me something?'' — " Zounds, man/' replied the other, '* didn't 1 give you the Jdnt f Incledon. 884. Incledon was present at a party, when Aris- totle became the subject of conversation. Some one said that there were some beautiful things in Aristotle which the more they were contemplated could not but be the more admired. " Well," said Mr. S. who frequently diverts himself with the conceit and igno- 298 THEATRICAL. ranee of Incledon, " what is your opinion V* — ", My opinion is," said he, " that many who talk so much of Aristotle have never been near the place," Carlini. 885. An unfortunate man miserably afflicted with a hypochondriacal complaint, consulted M. Tronchiu, the physician ; " You want amusement, sir, 1 ' said Tronchin to him: " go and see Carlini, (the first buf- foon of the Neapolitan stage) he will make you laugh, and will do you more good than any thing I can prescribe for you/ 7 — " AJas, sir/' said the patient, *' / myself am Carlini" Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 886. t The following whimsical accident happened, the first season of the represention of the Fair Peni- tent : — Lothario, after he is kiiled by Altamont in the fourth act, lies dead by proxy in the fifth, raised on a bier covered with black by the property-man, and the face whitened by the barber, the coat and peri- wig (for the actors then wore periwigs) generally filled by one of the dressers. Most of the capital actors in the established theatres have generally a dresser to themselves, though they are paid by the manager, to be ready on all occasions, for stage guards, attendants, &c. Mr. Powell played Lothario, and one Warren, his dresser, claimed a right of lying for his master, and performing the dead part of Lo- thario, which he proposed to act to the best advan- tage; though Powell was ignorant of the matter. The fifth act began, and went on as usual with ap- plause ; but about the middle of the distressful scene, Powell called for his man Warren, who as loudly re- plied from the bier on the stage, " Here, sir \" Pow- ell, who was ignorant of the part his man was per- forming, repeated without loss of time, " Come her* this moment, you rascal ! or I'll break all the bones in your skm/' Warren knew his hasty temper ; THEATRICAL. 299 therefore, without any reply, he jumped off with all his sables about him, which unfortunately were tied fast to the handles of the bier, and dragged after him. But this was not all ; the laugh and roar began in the audience, till it frightened poor Warren so much, that with the bier at his tail, he threw down Calista (Airs. Barry), and overwhelmed her with the table, lamps, books, bones, together with all the lumber of the charnel-house. lie tugged till he broke off his trammels, and made his escape ; and the play at ouce ended with immoderate fits of laughter; even the grave Mr. Betterton l< SmiPd in the tumult, and enjoyed the storm." But he would not let the Fair Penitent be played any more that season, till poor Warren's conduct was somewhat forgot. 887. A company of strolling players were perform- ing Pizzaro, in a city in Scotland, when, during the recital of the hymn to the sun, that luminary took fire, in consequence of the lights being placed too near it. The manager, who was ofiiciating as high priest, after singing the word, " O power Supreme V 9 in the utmost consternation called out to the stage- keeper, " The surfs on fire." Then proceeding with the hymn, " O power Supreme! — Put out the sun, 1 say :" the sun however blazed. The manager con- tinued to sing and swear, whilst the audience were convulsed with laughter. 888. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his impudence and cowardice, happening many years ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powell, another player, received from him a smart box on the ear. A few- days after, the former having lost his snuff-box, was making strict inquiry if any body had seen his box. " What," said another of the theatrical punsters 300 THEATRICAL. •• that which George Powel gave you the other night." 889. A country performer, by dint of servile appli- cation, prevailed upon Rich to let him make his ap- pearance in the character of Hamlet. The man shewed himself totally disqualified for the part at his first entrance ; but when he came to that celebrated soliloquy, he unfortunately wanted to blow his nose, but being unprovided with a handkerchief, he had recourse to his usual habit of the fingers, which set the audience in a roar of laughter, so that it was with great difficulty the rest of the play could be dragged through. Rich, who stood upon tenter-hooks at the side of the scenes, said nothing till the play was over ; when, going up to the performer, he exclaimed, " Mr. , I believe you to be a very good kind of man ; but as to acting, Mr. , you must go and blow your nose at some other theatre." 890. A little journeyman tailor waited upon Gar- rick, and requested to be received as a candidate for public favour, adding, that he had fixed upon the character of Richard the Third for his first appear- ance. " What, heh — heh — what — what! Richard the Third, say you? Egad, a bold attempt! Have you studied the part?" said Garrick. " Yes, sir/' — " Rehearse — rehearse a speech then," said Garrick, surveying him ail over. The tailor, nothing dismayed, got at once into the bustle of Rosworth-field, and proceeded in a shrill tremulous treble, to repeat, " A thousand hearts are swelling in my bosom ; Draw, archers, draw your arrows to the head, Spur your proud horses hard, and ride in blood ; And thou, our warlike champion, thrice nenowii'd St George, inspire me with the rage of lions." Just as he came to the words, " rage of lions," his eye caught that of Garrick, who had summoned up THEATRICAL. 301 all the terrors of his countenance for that purpose, which so dismayed the tailor, that he ran away in horror and trepidation/ convinced that he was better calculated for the goose and the needle, thau the sword of Richard, 891. While Miss O'Neil was playing Juliet at Co r vent-garden Theatre, Mr. Kean was performing Romeo at Drury-lane. A gentleman, who had seen the tragedy at both houses, called the waiter of a coffee-house, to know what the play was at Drury- lane Theatre, " Romeo and Juliet, sir." — " And what at Covent-garden Theatre V — " Romeo and Juliet, sir." — " A plague o' both your houses" 892. Mrs. D'Arblay wrote a tragedy called Udwy unci EJgiva, which was in 1795 brought forward at Drury-lane Theatre : but some circumstances occur- ring to excite laughter, rather than pity or horror, it had the misfortune to be damned. Among the dra- matis persona were no less than seven bishops, one of whom being arrested for some treasonable practices, the king called to his attendants, u Bring in the bi- shop," — " Aye," cries a fellow in the gallery, " and tnahe it good." Scarcety had the audience got the better of the laughter occasioned by this sally, than their tragedy-faces were completely got the better of, by the following short dialogue between Mrs. Sid- dons, in the character of the heroine, and Mrs. Mad- docks, as her faithful attendant. Siddons, (impatiently) M Where shall I go for ease f" Maddocks, (softly) " Behind yon hedged 893. During the representation of the play of Mac- beth, at a provincial theatre, an incident occured which totally disconcerted all the gravity of the tragic muse. In the banquet scene, Ranquo's murderer 2 D 30£ THEATRICAL. was by some untoward accident missing, and the business of the drama was threatened with suspen- sion ; when, in the exigency of the moment, an ig- norant clown of a candle-snuffer was pushed forward to tell the horrid tale. On seeing him, Macbeth, who had been motionless with confusion and em- barrassment, burst from his state of torpor, and ex- claimed, " There's blood upon thy face V* — " Is there," said the astonished clown, clapping his hand on his cheek, with a mixture of anger and alarm, " then that damn'd blunt razor has cutten me again." 894. A great actress, in a journey to the north, travelling with her son through a village, where the} stopped Tor the night, by way of passing their time they went to see the play of Pizarro enacted in a barn, and displayed their merriment on the representation, rather ill-naturedly, and to the great mortification of the abashed performers. On the conclusion of the first act, the fiddler, who composed the band, struck up, Through all the employments of life, Each neighbour abuses his brother; which sally kept the critics in a more demure state for the remainder of the evening. 895. In the distracted state of Fleetwood's man- agement at Drury Lane, in 1743, though he had the advantage of Garriek's powers, as an actor, bailiffs were often in possession of the theatre ; and the pro- perties, clothes, and other stage ornaments of the comedians, were sometimes seized upon by these low implements of the law. Many ridiculous contests and foolish squabbles between actors and these li- censed harpies might here be recorded for the reader's amusement; but we shall content ourselves with relating one of them. The hat of king Richard III. THEATRICAL. 303 by being adorned with jewels of paste, feathers, and other ornaments, seemed to the sheriff's officers a prey worthy of their seizure ; but honest Davy, Mr. Garrick's Welch servant, told them, they did not know what they were about ; " For, look you," said Davy, " that hat belongs to the king.'' The fellows imagining that what was meant of Richard III. was spoken of George II. resigned their prey, though with some reluctance. 896. Mr. C — -, a very useful performer of Co vent Garden, but whose talents are generally con- fined to the personation of walking gentlemen, when he takes his country expeditions, soars to the first characters. One day in the green-room he was re- lating, with a good deal of consequence, an incident that occurred the second time he played Richard, at a particular place. " What !" said Harris, " did you play it twice in the same town ?" 897. A person having occasion to mention the late Mr Davies, of Covent Garden and the Haymarket theatres, called him Kiddy Davies (a nick name given him by his brethren). "Kiddy Davies V 9 cried Captain Antrobus, with apparent surprise ; " what do you mean by Kiddy Davies — he must be Goat Davies by this time, for I remember him a Kid these forty years/ 7 898. Once that John Kemble played Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who enacted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him — ." Will you play upon this pipe V } — "■My lord, I cannot."— "I pray you/* — " Believe me, I cannot" — " I do beseech you." — " Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can;" and to the contusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played God save the King. 2 D 2 304 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 899. In the early display of Mr. Garrick's powers at Drury Lane, a tragedy was brought forth, in which he sustained the character of an aged king. Though there was nothing remarkably brilliant in the play, it proceeded without opposition till the fifth act, when the dying monarch bequeaths his kingdom to his two sons in thb sine: " And now between you I bequeath my crown." a wicked wit in the pit exclaimed: " Ye gods ! he's given them half-a-crown a piece." This threw the house into such a comic convulsion, that not another word of the piece could be uttered. Effects of abbreviation. 900. Mr. Moody had, at the Bristol Theatre, select- ed for his benefit Henry VII! in which an inferior performer, Roger Wright, was to enact a part ; but not attending the rehearsal, Moody reproached him for his inattention to one of Shakespeare's best plays. " Best plays J Master Moody," says Roger, " why it was damn'd ; look ye here, in the book it is noted in the title-page as one of Shakespeare's hist, plays." CHAP. X. WIT IN LOW LIFE. Barbers. 901. A coxcomb going into a barber's shop, face- tiously asked the operator if he had ever shaved a monkey. " No, sir," replied the barber with becom- ing deference, " I have not, but if vou'll be seated I'll trv." WIT IN LOW LIFE. 305 i)02. A barber was lately brought before a justice, on a charge of baring stolen a wig-block. In his defence, he told the magistrate, that he had no occasion to steal one, as his worship himself knew that the parish abounded with wig-blocks. 9C3. An eccentric barber some years ago opened a shop under the walls of the King's Bench Prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared, " Shave for a Penny," with the usual invitation to customers ; and over the door was scrawled these lines : Here lives Jemmy Wright, Shaves as well as any man in England, Almost — not quite. Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these in- scriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd cha- racter, he pulled oil* his hat, and thrusting his head through a paper pane into the shop, called out, " Is Jemmy Wright at home?" The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, "No sir, he has just popt out." Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea. BLACKSMITHS. 904. When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a great heiress, whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste for parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the rivetter at Gretna-Green, stating, that Captain — -had reported the canonical charge to be only five shillings! — " True," replied Vulcan ; " but Cap- tain is an Irishman, and I have already mar- ried him five times, so I consider him as a good cus- tomer ; but perhaps I may never see your face again*'' 2 D 3 306 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 905. After all the advances in the science of meta- physics, so much boasted of in the Scotch universi- ties, it is not clear that the improvements in it have been such as to render obsolete the simple descrip- tion of the blacksmith of Glammis : u Twa fouk dis- putin thagither ; he that's listenin disna ken what he that's speakin means ; and he that's speakin disna ken what lie means himsel — that's metaphysics." 906. About thirty years ago, two brothers went to Jamaica: they were by trade blacksmiths, "binding", soon after their arrival, that they could do nothing without a little money to begin with, but that with sixty or eighty pounds they might be able, with in- dustry, to get on a little, they hit upon the following novel and ingenious expedient. One of them strip- ped the other naked, shaved him close, and blacked him from head to foot. This being done, he took bim to one of the negro-dealers, who, after viewing and approving his stout athletic appearance, ad- vanced eighty pounds currency upon the bill of sale, and prided himself on the purchase, supposing him to be one of the finest negroes on the island. The same evening this new-manufactured negro made his escape to his brother, washed himself clean, and re- sumed his former appearance. Rewards were in vain oifered in hand-bills, pursuit was eluded, and disco- very, by care and precaution, rendered impracti- cable. The brothers with the money commenced bu- siness, and actually returned to England, not many years since, with a fortune of several thousand pounds. Previous, however, to their departure from the island, they waited upon the gentleman from whom they had received the money, and recalling the circumstance of the negro to his recollection, paid bim both principal and interest, with thanks. BUTCHERS. $07. A butcher's boy running against a gentleman WIT IN LOW LIFE. 307 with his tray, made him exclaim, " The deuce take the tray." — " Sir," said the lad, " the deuce can't take the tray? CARPENTERS. 908. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting tip his great room in York Buildings, which he intended for public orations, he happened, at that time, to be pretty much behind-hand with his workmen: and coming one day among them, to see how they went forward, he ordered one of them to get into the ros^ tram, and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard : the fellow mounting, and scratch- ing his pate, told him, he knew not what to say, for, in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." — " Why here, Sir Richard,* 1 says the fellow, " we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?'* — "Very well, very well," said Sir Richard, "pray come down; I have heard enough, I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't admire your subject." COBLERS. 909. A cobler at Ley den, who used to attend the public disputations held at the university, was asked if he understood Latin. " No," replied the son of St. Crispin, " but I know who is wrong in the argu- ment." — " How can that be V inquired his friend. " Why, by seeing who is angry first." PAVIOURS. 910. A man of an enormous size passing through a street in Oxford where the paviors were at work, in the middle of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. " Ah ! God bless you master," cries one of them, " it was yery kind of you to come 308 WFT IN LOW LIFE. this way, it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather." PEASANTRY. 911. A countryman was stopped by a revenue of- ficer, who took from him two casks of spirits, and carrying them to the next town, a distance of fifteen miles, was desired by the countryman to stop and leave it at the first public house. The officer replied, " No ; I have seized it, and it must go to the excise- office.^ — " Not so neither, master,'' said the country- man, " I have a little bit of paper here, which, if you'll take the trouble of reading, will convince you I am right." The officer reading his bit of paper, exclaimed, *' Why, you rascal, this is a permit ; why did not you shew it me sooner?" — "Because/' said he, "if I. had, you would not have carried the liquor so far for me." 912. A peasant came into Aurbach's Square, at Leipsic, and looked round about him before he ven- tured to go into a shop, A shopman called out, " Come this way, father; what do you want?" The peasant went to him and asked, " What do you sell?" 41 Do not you see?" replied the shopman; "asses heads." — " Faith," replied the countryman, " you must have a great demand for them, for I only see one left." 913. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis, when one of them accosted him with, " Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor?" — "How did you know my name was Jack V said the boy, staring in their faces. " We are conjurors, young hobnail," said the gentlemen laughing. " Oh \ you be ! then you don't want I to shew you the way fco Windsor," replied the lad, pur- suing his journey. AVIT IN LOW LIFE. 809 914. A countryman, passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, he was told, that three or four members of parliament were overturned in that coach. " Oh," says he, "then there let 1 hem be, my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs." 915. A Scotchman, servant to a farmer in Suffolk, had butter and cheese set before him with a view that he might take either with his bread : he, how- ever, thought proper to spread the butter on the cheese, and his mistress reproving him for this extra- vagance, he said, pointedly, " Deel hae them that parted them" 916. Some rattling young fellows from London, put- ting into a country inn, and seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there, says one of them, " You shall see me dumb-found that countryman :" so coming up to him, he gave his hat a twirl round, saying, " there's half a crown for you, countryman." The farmer, after re- covering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken trowel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs on the shoulder, saying, " I thank you for your kindness, friend, there's two shillings of your money back again" 917. A lad, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said, " Be so good, sir, as give me a little salt."— " Salt, for what?"—" Perhaps, sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and 1 should like to be ready." " What country are you from, my lad ?" — " Vs York- shire, sir." — " 1 thought so — well, there, take your egg." — "Thank you, sir." — " Well, they are all gre&i horse-stealers in your country, are not they?" — " Yes ; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a horse, than I would of drinking your glass of ale," taking it off. " Yes," said the gentleman, " I see you are Yorkshire." 310 WIT IN LOW LITE. 918. A poor old countryman, who could scarcely walk, once passing through Smithfield, was accosted by a young coxcomb, who jeeringly offered to take him upon his back and carry him. u No," replied the old fellow, " no, not so, I shall purchase an ass next market-day." Servants. 919. Doctor M , formerly master of Christ's College, Cambridge, sent for the cook to give him a reprimand. The cook, seeing the doctor in a great passion, ran down stairs as fast as he could, and went out of the college gate, where he met the tailor, whom he called, ami told him that he must immedi- ately go up and take down the master's choler. The doctor, not having got over the heat of his passion when the tailor knocked at the door, asked very roughly, who was there? " It is I, sir," said the tai- lor ; " the cook told me that you had sent for me to take down your collar." 920. As Dean Swift was once upon a journey, at- tended by a servant, they put up at an inn, where they lodged all night. In the morning the dean called for his boots ; the servant immediately took them to him. ik How is this Tom V said he ; " my boots are not cleaned." — " No, sir/' replied Tom, " as you are going to ride, J thought they would soon be dirty again." — " Very well," said the doctor, " go and get the horses ready." In the mean time the dean or- dered the landlord not to let his man have any break- fast. When the servant returned, he asked if the horses were ready. " Yes, sir," was the answer. " Go and bring them out then/' said the dean. "I have not had my breakfast yet, sir," replied Tom. ■" Oh ! no matter for that," said the dean ; " if you had, you would soon be hungry again." They mounted and rode off: as they rode the dean pulled a book out of his pocket and began to read. A gen- WIT IN LOW LIFE. 311 tleman met them, and, seeing the doctor reading, was not willing to disturb him, but passed by till he met the servant. " Who is that gentleman?" said h© to the man. "My master, sir/' said Tom. "I know that, you blockhead, but where are you go- ing?" — " We are going to heaven, sir," said Tom. " How do you know that I" said the gentleman, " Because I am fasting, and my master is praying/' 921, A friend of Dean Swift one day sent him a turbot as a present, by a servant who had frequently been on similar errands, but had never yet received the most trifling mark of the dean's generosity. Having gained admission, he opened the door of the study, and abruptly putting down the fish, cried very rudely, " Master has sent you a turbot." — " Heyday ! young man," said the dean rising from his easy chair, " is that the way you deliver your message ? Let me teach you better manners; sit down in my chair, we will change situations, and I will shew you how to behave in future." The boy sat down, and the dean, going to the door, came up to the table, with a re- spectful pace, and making a low bow, said, .*' Sir, my master presents his kind compliments, hopes your reverence is well, and begs your acceptance of a tur- bot." — "Does he?" replied the boy; " here, John, (ringing) take this honest lad down into the kitchen, and give him as much as he can eat and drink; then send him up to me, and I will give him half a crown." 922. A lady told her butler to be saving of an ex- cellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. '* I know no method so ef- fectual, my lady," replied the butler, " as placing a barrel of good ale by it." 923. A lady of rank, proudly conscious of her dig- nity, one day descanting on the superiority of the Sl£ WIT IN LOW LIFE. nobility, remarked to a large company of visitors, that the three classes of the community, nobility, gen- try, and comonalky, might very well be compared to the tea-drinking utensils, china, delph, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who was in the nursery. John, the footman, was dispatched with orders to the nursery-maid, to whom he called out from the bottom of the stairs, in an audible voice, " Hollo, Crockery, bring down Little China/' 924, The late Sir Thomas Robinson, whose com- pany might generally have been dispensed with, fre- quently calling at the house of a gentleman high in office, where he was considered as a disagreeable visitor, and not chnsing to take the hint of ** My master and mistress are out/' &c. would often get admission by the following pretences, and then wait until the person he wished to see made his appear- ance — " O ! not at home! — well, I'll just step in and chat with the children," or " I'll have a talk with the parrot,' 7 or " I'll just take the opportunity of setting my watch by the great clock on the stair-case." One morning, however, the servant was prepared, and seeing him from the window advancing towards the house, opened the door at the moment he knocked, and keeping it nearly closed, said, in a louder tone than ordinary, " Oh, sir! my master and mistress are both out — -the children are all asleep — the parrot is dead— and the clock stands." 925. Messier Currado, of Maples, had 'a servant named ChinchiJIo, who, one night, to treat his mis- tress, cut off the leg of a crane that was roasting tor his master's supper, who thereupon asked him what was become of the crane's other leg. Chinchillo im- mediately swore that cranes had but one leg. The next morning, as he was riding behind his master, he made him, in order to convince him that he was right* WIT IN LOW LIFE. 313 observe several cranes at roost upon one leg ; but his master shouting, they put down their other leg; where* upon Chinehillo perceiving that his master was angry, cried out, " How lucky it was that you did not shout last night ! for your crane would have put down the other leg, and have flown away as these did, and your supper would have gone too." 926. Dean Swift's servant was one time hesitating some foolish excuse to his master, when the dean, observing his embarrassment, said to him, " What signifies all this shuffling? tell me a round lie at once :" which the fellow did with so good a grace, that the dean put his hand in his pocket, and gave him half a crown for his readiness and dexterity. 027. Fletcher, of Sal town, is well known to have possessed a most irritable temper. His footman de- siring to be dismissed. ** Why do 3 ou leave me V said he : " Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper." — " To be sure," said Fletcher, " I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is off." — " Yes," replied the servant, " but then it is no sooner off, than it is on." 928. Mallet was so fond of being thought a sceptic, that he indulged this weakness on all occasions. His wife, it is said, was a complete convert to his doc- trines, and even the servants stared at their master's bold arguments, without being poisoned by their in- fluence. One fellow, however, who united a bad heart to an unsettled head, was determined to prac- tice what Mallet was so solicitous to propagate, and robbed his master's house. Being pursued, and brought before a justice, Mallet attended, and taxed him severely with ingratitude and dishonesty. " Sir," said the fellow, M I have often heard you talk of the impossibility of a future state ; that, after death, there was neither reward for virtue, nor punishment for vice, and this tempted me to commit the rob- 2 E 314 WIT IN LOW LIFE. faery." — " Well ! but you rascal," replied Mallet, " had you no fear of the gallows?" — " Master," said the culprit, looking sternly at him, " what is it to you, if I had. a: mind to venture that? You had removed my greatest terror ; why should I fear the iess ?" 929. A gentleman having called his servant to as- sist him in dressing, the latter, who had been em- ployed in some dirty work, came up all over dust. The master in a rage took up a cane, and was going to lay it over the fellow's back, when he cried out, " Sir, sir, if you wish to dust my coat, I beg you will let me take it off first." 930. A country gentleman walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep under an arbour. " What!" said he, — " No," said the negro, *• massa be all block him- self." 946. Dr. Franklin, when last in England, used pleasantly to repeat an observation of his negro ser- vant, when the doctor was making the tour of Der- byshire, Lancashire, &c. " Every thing, massa, work in this country ; water work, wind work, firework, smoke work, 1 dog work, man work, woman work, bullock work, horse work, ass work; every thing work here but de- hog ; he eat, he drink, he sleep, he do 320 WIT IN LOW LIFE. nothing all day ; de hog be the only gentleman in England." 947. A negro servant being asked what colour he believed the devil was ? " Why," replied the African, " the white men paint him black, we say he is white ; but from his great age, and being called Old Nick, I should suppose him grey." 948. A vessel having arrived in the river from the West Indies, the captain's servant, a negro boy, was sent on shore on a Sunday forenoon, and observing a number of persons resorting to a baker's shop, and each throwing down a penny and carrying away a pie, he returned on board, exclaiming, " Massa, massa ! give me one penny, and I will bring you one great big pie/' His master did not understand what lie meant, but having a mind to humour him, gave him a penny. He ran to the baker's, threw* down his money, and the woman asking which was his, he picked out the largest, crying out, " Dis my pie, dis my pie ;" and the woman, helping him to get it on his head, he carried it aboard, to the astonishment of the captain, and no doubt to the sad disappointment of the owner. 949. Two negroes meeting in a dram-shop in Jamaica, called for a bowl of grog. When it was made, one fellow took up the bowl, and after drink- ing two-thirds of their contents, cried, " Hem ! hem ! hem ! Massa, dis here too strong, do put little more water here." — " Tay, massa," said the other, " no be in such hurre, let me cry hem too." 950. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen asleep on his sofa, a negro boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering round his face. Quashy eyed the insect very atten- tively ; at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, WIT IN LOW LIFE. 321 and immediately fly off. " Ah, d — n yon heart," ex- claimed the negro ; i4 me d — n glad to see you burn you foot/' Barbers. 951. A barber in the country having married a wo- man who had a fortune of twenty pounds left her by an old mistress, happened 1o call in upon an old ac- quaintance who kept a school. Just as he entered, one of the boys was reading the following passage in the New Testament — " It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." On hearing this the poor barber turned pale, started back, and exclaimed with tears in his eyes, " If that is the case, the Lord have mercy upon me, what will become of my poor soul?" 952. A barber having a dispute with a parish clerk, on a point of grammar, the latter said it was a down- right barbarism. 4< What," replied the other, u do you mean to insult me ? Barbeiism ! I'd have you to know a barber speaks as good English any day as a parish clerk." 953. A barber shaving a thin-faced man, put his finger into his mouth, to push out the hollow of his cheek, and happening to make a slip, cut through the poor fellow's face. " Oh, curse your lantern jaws," cried the barber, " I've cut my linger." 954. A gentleman coming into a barber's shop to be shaved, was tormented by the fellow's finical manners and insignificant garrulity. " In what man- ner would your honour be shaved?" exclaimed the tonscur. " If possible,'' replied the gentleman, " in silence." 32£ WIT IN LOW LIFE. 955. A Highlander who sold brooms went into a barber's shop in Glasgow, a few days since, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. " Two- pence," said the Highlander. " No, no," said the barber, " I'll give you a penny ; if that does not sa- tisfy you, take your broom again/' The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to pay? "A penny/' said strap. " I'll gie you a baubee," said Duncan, " an' if that dinua satisfy ye, ye may put on my beard again." Carpenters. 956. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter's servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, " He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink."—" Make you drink !" said the gentleman, " there is a pickled herring for you, and if that wont make you drink, I'll give you another." Millers. 957. As a poor miller was riding on his ass, he stopped to look at a grand procession, which so occu- pied his attention, that he did not observe two men who played him the following trick. Having cut the girths of his saddle, they supported it by two poles while they drew the ass back wards from under him. The procession being over, the miller gave his cus- tomary kick, but rinding the deficiency, exclaimed, to the great astonishment of the by-standers, " Bless me ! where is my ass f Peasantry. 958. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar in the country, because he could readjand write, coming to London, and inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a sign- post, " Here are horses to be let, 1748." — " Jehu," said WIT IN LOW LIFE. 323 he ; " if there are so many horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city V 959. A country fellow left his village, and went to Weymouth, for the loyal purpose of beholding his most sacred and august majesty. On his return home, he was asked by his neighbour if the sight had answered his expectations. " Loch !" said the clod- hopper, " I was never so disappointed in all my life; why, do you know, now, that his arms were for all the world like the arms of any of us common men ; and I wish I may die if I hadn't heard a thousand times, that the arms of the king were a lion and an unicornis 9Q0. The following whimsical circumstance oe-» curred some little time ago in Hampshire, and is a complete model of ignorant simplicity. A gentle- man in the neighbourhood of R , was so far reduced by a violent attack of illness, that his life was despaired of: — the most eminent practitioners in physic had attended, and had nearly lost all hopes, when fortunately a medical gentleman who resided in the neighbourhood was called in, who, by pursuing a directly opposite course to that of bis brothers in physic, soon effected a cure, and the pa- tient's health was perfectly re-established. This al- most miraculous recovery occasioned a great deal of conversation in the village ; and, among other things, it was remarked, at a farmer's house, that this cure would be a feather in the doctor's cap." An honest ignorant Tonny Lumpkin, who was present, going home soon afterwards, by way of a piece of news, said, " Ecod, our doctor will be main smart now, for I hear as how^ Mr. — - has given him a feather to wear in his cap." 961. A countryman lately went to a celebrated tooth-drawer, to have a tooth extracted. Being seated^ the dentist looked into his mouth, and seeing 324 ' WIT IN LOW LIFE, nothing like decay in any, asked which was the tooth to bo drawn ? The countryman, with a look of native simplicity, replied, " It signifies nought, zir, which you ta'en out, lor Fve had no much use for ony ov'em sum toime past/ 962. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening to fall, a plough-boy left his work, and went home ; but his mas- ter seeing him there, told him he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the fu- ture he would stay till if rained downright, A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy staid till dusk, and being almost drowned, his mas- ter asked him why he did not come before ? " Why I should," says the boy, " but you zed I shou'dn't come hoam vore it rained downright ; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long/' 063. A peasant, employed to draw timber from a wood, met with an oak trunk, so large and heavy that his tackle broke twice in attempting to place it on the sledge. Hodge flung his hat on the ground, and scratching his head, with much vexation exclaimed, " The deuce take the hogs that didn't eat thee when thee was an acorn, and then I should not have had this trouble with thee." 964. A poor boy was asked what three things he would have, if he could obtain them for wishing? " First,'* said he, 4C I would have as much fat bacon as J could eat ; next, I would have as much ale as I could drink : w puzzled for a third object of happiness, he at last said — " hang it! I would have a little more ale," 965. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play, nor had any idea of one, went to the theatre in Drury- lane, where they placed themselves snug in the gallery. They were delighted with the first and second music ; at length the curtain drew up, and two or three actors WIT IN LOW LIFE. 325 entered to begin the play ; upon which one of the countrymen said to the other — " Come, WiD, let us be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business/' 966. An ignorant young fellow being about to be married, resolved to make himself perfect in the re- sponses of the service ; but by mistake got by heart the office of baptism for riper years ; so when he was asked in the church — 4k Wilt thou have this woman, &c." he answered, " I renounce them all." The cler- gyman said, " I think you are a fool :" to which he replied, " AH this I stedfastly believe." 967. A scholar meeting a poor ignorant peasant on the road, " How far, friend/ 7 said he, " is it to Cam- bridge ?" — u By my faith, master/' says the man, " I do not know, but Cambridge to this town is counted seven miles/' 968. A blacksmith of a village murdered a man and was condemned to be hanged : the chief peasants of the place joined together, and begged the Alcade that the blacksmith might not suffer, because he was necessary to the place, which could not do without a blacksmith to shoe horses, mend wheels, &c. But the Alcade said, " How then can I fulfil justice?" A la- bourer answered, " Sir, there are two weavers in the village, and for so small a place one is enough ; hang the other." 969. A countryman coming into a bookseller's shop to buy a Bible, the boy shewed him one which had a patch on the cover: the countryman was displeased at that, and would see more; on which the matter came out, asking his servant what the man would have? " Sir," said the boy, " he wants a Bible, a does not like this." Then the master looking on it, " Why, sirrah," said he to his apprentice, " have I but 2f 3Q6 WIT IN LOW LIFE. one double-covered Bible in all my shop, that you must shew every one this?" — "Q pray, 7 ' said the countryman, " let me have it by all means, if it be double covered, for I would fain have a lasting one." And so he paid the price very willingly. Servants. 970. A gentleman, alighting at the gate of a villa, gave his horse to a servant of the family to hold. Poor Martin, having been up all night, fell asleep. In this state a man thought he might ease him of his charge, and slipping the bridle off' the head of the horse, he led him away, leaving the bridle in the keeper's hand. Martin being suddenly awaked by a call from his mas- ter, stupid with surprise exclaimed — " I am either Martin, or I am not ; if I am Martin, I have lost a horse ; if I am not Martin, I have found a bridle/' 971. Tobacco was firt brought into repute in Eng- land by Sir Walter Raleigh. By the caution he took of smoking it privately, he did not intend it should be copied. But sitting one day, in deep meditation, with a pipe in his mouth, he inadvertently called to his man to bring a tankard of small beer. The fellow, coming into the room, threw all the liquor into his master's face, and running down stairs bawled out — " Fire ! Help ! Sir Walter has studied till his head is on fire, and the smoke bursts out at his mouth and nose V 972. A country boy having been hired by a gentle- man of some rank in town, endeavoured, to the ut- most of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid the necessity of being so frequently told of many tri- fling things, as country lads generally are. This offi- ciousness, however, once operated rather to his disad- vantage : his master had sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine; when he came into the parlour with them, he said to him — " Well, John, have you shook them J", The poor boy, ever anxious to please, re- WIT IN LOW LIFE. 3£7 plied — " No, sir ; but I will ;" and began shaking the bottles with all possible violence. 973. A nobleman, coming down in the summer to his country-seat, was talking familiarly with his butler: " And how have you been," said he, " since we left you F — " Why my lord," replied he, " I have been pretty well lately ; but, for near two months in the winter, I had a very dreadful ague at your lordship's service." 974. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happening one day to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Wichwood, being then at- tended by one of his brother's men, the man earnestly entreated him to lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it ; — " How !" said the fellow, " that's very strange, that you who have made a book ot the whole world, cannot find the way in this little wood." Coachmen. 975. A hackney coachman having put up his horses, took out the money he had received during the day to make a conscientious division between his master and himself. " There/ 7 says he, " is one shilling for master, and one for me/' and so on alternately, till there remained an odd shilling. Here he hesitated, when the master, who was a concealed spectator, said, " I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd shilling for keeping the horses." Carmen. 976. A fellow once standing on the pillory at Tem- ple Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman, with a load of cheeses, had much ado to pass ; and driving just up to the pillory, he asked what that was that was wrote over the person's head ? they told him it was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood there 2f2 328 WIT IN LOW LIFE. for forgery. " Ay," said he, " what is forgery?" They answered him, that forgery was counterfeiting ano- ther's hand, with an intent to cheat people ; to which the carman replied, looking up to the offender, u Oh ! this comes of your reading and writing, you silly dog." Porters. 977. A porter going to Mr. Blast's house one day with a load upon his back, said to a gentleman that he met in the B ay market, " Pray, your honour, can you tell me where Mr. Blast lives?"—" Mr. Blast! Blast did you say?" replied the gentleman. " Yes, Blast, your honour," said the porter. This odd connexion of words, though not intended to give any offence, so irritated the gentleman, that he not only refused to give the porter information, but in a rage gave him a hearty drubbing with his cane. 978. A merchant in the city, not long ago, dis- charged a porter, on account of his being deficient in orthography. The poor man, it seems, wanted a favour of his master, and wrote a letter to .him; but instead of " Honoured sir/' he unfortunately wrote, " Horned sir." 979. An ignorant porter had been placed as sentinel at the door of an assembly, with strict injunctions to let no one come in without a ticket. A man of fa- shion presently came, and was repulsed as having no ticket. " You must not come in here, sir," said the porter, " that is my order." — " Oh, oh," replied the other, " is that your order? I do not want to come in here ; all I want is to go out here." — " Nay, nay, I dare not refuse you that," said the porter, and pushed him into the room himself. Chimney Sweepers. 980. A buck of a highwayman was hanged along with a chimney-sweeper. When the ordinary was WIT IN LOW LIFE. 329 reading the preparatory prayers, the latter pushed rather rudely on the former to listen to the parson. " You dirty rascal," said the highwayman, " what do you mean pressing on me X\ The poor sweep replied, u I have as good a right here as you." Shoe-blacks. 981. A shoe-black meeeting a hackney-coachman on a very fine sun-shiny day, in the middle of No- vember, accosted him with, " All's bad still, Tom ; all's bad yet, for you and I ; here's another of these confounded fine days." Watchmen, &e. 982. A watchman, in going his round, was sadly perplexed to find a proper character for the weather, for he was saluted by hail, rain, and snow, at the same time ; he therefore made the following sensible pro- clamation : " Past four o'clock, and a queer morning." 983. A party who had been rather over-done by the potentiality of their beverage at a tavern in Leaden- hall-street, staggered out of the house while the watchman was crying past three o'clock. This so much offended one of the company, that he insisted on the poor fellow's altering his tone, and announcing it to be past eleven o'clock. The watchman imme- diately complied, but being at some loss how to finish his sentence, said, " Pray, gentlemen, what sort of weather would you choose to have ?" 984. King James keeping his court at Theobalds in the time of the plague, several constables were sta-> tioned about the palace, to hinder the people from crowding thither. One morning, a plain dressed gen- tleman coming near the palace, was stopped by a constable, who demanded what lord he belonged unto, taking him for a servant. The gentleman rea- dily replied^ " To the Lord Jehovah f upon which 2 F 3 330 WIT IN LOW LIFE. the constable, turning to his brother officers, asked if they knew any such lord? They replied in the nega- tive ; but the constable being unwilling to shew his ignorance or want of court breeding, said, " Let him pass ; he belongs to some Scotch lord or other/' Pedlars. 985. An itinerant pedlar, wishing to recommend his razors to the gaping crowd, thus addressed them : — w Gentlemen, the razors I hold in my hand were made in a cave by the light of a diamond in the fa- mous province of Andalusia in Spain. They cut as quick as thought, and are as bright as the morning- star. A word or two more, and 1 am certain you will buy them : lay them under your pillow at night, and you will find yourself clean shaved when you wake in the morning/' Showmen. 986. A showman, exhibiting at Eton, pointed out ? in his box, all the crowned heads in the world, and being asked by the school-boys, who looked through the glass, which was the emperor? which the pope? which the sultan? and which the great mogul? ex- claimed, eagerly, " Which you please, young gentle- men, which you please." Sharpers. 987. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, said, " My lord, I humbly thank you/' His lordship astonished, asked him for what ? "Be- cause, my lord, I thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family/' 988. A malefactor, near his death, was asked by a fellow-sufferer what were his thoughts of a future world: "Very indifferent/' replied he. " Why?" WIT IN LOW LIFE. 331 asked the other: u Because," replied he, " as there is nobody can carry 7 any thing away with them, there will be few pockets to pick." 989. A fellow, going to be hanged on Kennington Common, begged to be allowed to stop at the Horns, to get a glass of gin. Having drank it, he told ihe landlord, " I have no change, but I'll pay you as I come back/ 7 990. A rogue asked charity, on pretence of being dumb. A lady having asked him, with equal sim- plicity and humanity, a how long have you been dumb," he was thrown off his guard, and answered, " Five years, madam." 991. Some time since a journeyman tailor was at- tacked, at a place called Edgehill, near Liverpool, by three villains, who robbed him of his week's wages. They had just quitted him, when one of them said, " That fellow has a better coat than mine. We must go back again." They seized him again, stripped him, and put on him the coat of one of the robbers. They had scarce left hiin, when he heard them swearing that they must have him again* The poor fellow, concluding that they meant to take his life, endeavoured to save himself by flight, in doing which he tumbled into a ditch. The robbers passed him at full speed, swearing, that the devil must have flown away with him. He laid snug for some time, and then venturing out, made his way to a farm house at a little distance ; related the affair to the family, and entreated permission to stop all night. His request was complied with. Having now leisure to examine the exchange which had been forced upon him, on putting his hand into one of the pockets of the coat, he found ten guineas. Negro Slaves, and Savages. 992. A carpenter on board a ship returning from S3 L 2 WIT IN LOW LIFE. the West Indies, having lost his saw, suspected ihe captain's Negro boy of having- stolen it. Mungo de- nied all knowledge of the affair, and in this dubious way the matter remained; when the carpenter one day exclaimed to a brother sailor, " This saw sticks in my gizzard." The boy instantly ran to his master, and joyfully cried out, " Massa, me glad, me glad, Massa ! carpenman find him saw. 1 '— " Ah, ha ! and where did he find it?' 7 — " Yes, massa ! indeed me tell no lie ; he say it stick in him gizzar." 993. It is a custom among the Canadian Indians, that when one dreams that another has rendered him any service, the person dreamed of thinks it a duty to fulfil the dream if possible. A chief one morning came to the governor, Sir William Johnstone, and told him that he had last night dreamed that Sir Wil- liam had made him a present of the suit of regimen- tals he wore. The governor readily presented them to him ; but as the Indian was going out, ii Stop/' said Sir William, " I had almost forgot, but I dreamed about you last night; I dreamed that you gave me such a tract of land ;" describing a large tract. •" You shall have it," said he ; " but if you please, Sir William, we will not dream any more." Miscellaneous* 994. A person going through Field-lane, cheapened a leg of mutton hanging up. The butcher told him it was eleven pence a pound. " What V said the other, u eleven pence a pound ! I could buy a new one for the same money in Fleet-market." 995. When Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title. " Sir," said he, " Fd have you to know, I had WIT IN LOW LIFE. 333 the honour of chalking number 45 upon every door between Temple-bar and Hyde-park-corner." 996. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had spoken to him : being asked what his majesty had said, he replied, " He bade me stand out of his way.'' 997. A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in the west of England, in order to encourage his work-people in a due attend- ance at church on a late fast-day, told them, that if they went to church, they would receive their wages for that day in the same manner as if they had been at work ; upon which a deputation was appointed to acquaint their employer, that if he would pay them for over-hours, they would attend likewise at the me- thodist chapel in the evening. 998. A person went to a scribe and desired him to write a letter for him ; but the other excused himself, having a sore foot. fc< - What has that to do with it?" said the man : " I don't want you to carry it." — " Perhaps not," replied he, u but when I write a let- ter for any one, I am always sent for to read it, as nobody else can make it out." This man, though an able decipherer, might with truth be called only a lame writer. 999. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all wept but one man ; on being asked why he did not cry with the rest, " Oh," said he, "7 belong to another parish" 1000. Gun Jones, who had raised a handsome for- tune from a small beginning, happening to have some words with a person who had known him for some time, was asked, how he could have the impudence to give himself such airs to one who knew him seven 334 WIT JN LOW LIFE. years ago, when he had hardly a rag to his back ? u You lie, sirrah," replied Jones ; u for seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my back." Errata. Page 182, after line 4 insert Dr. Reid. Page 237, line 3. The anecdote which stands No. 696, was inserted by mistake— the following should have stood in its place. 696. A volunteer corps chose for its captain a tai- lor, who on the first day of their appearing in full dress, frequently found fault with one of the men, and at length peremptorily ordered him to step out full thirty inches. — " I can't," replied the recruit. — % " Why V said the captain. — " Because, captain," bawled the man, " you have made my breeches too tight r APPENDIX. SELECTION OF PUNS. 1. An English gentleman paying a visit in Breck- nockshire, went out a shooting, when he was rather rudely assailed by a proud Welsh squire, for sporting on his ground. u I have,' 7 said lie, " two little ma- nors, and you shall shoot on neither/' The English- man coolly replied, " I easily perceive sir, that you have too little manners" 2. A noble lord who entertained his friends with ex- cellent claret, said he had sent a couple of hounds over to France, and got a hogshead of this wine for them. " Then/' said one of the companj^, " your lordship has it dog cheap.' 7 3. " I have considered the matter twice," said a vintner to a democratic landlord, " and will now let you have the wine at your own price/'—" You do not express yourself correct!} 7 ," observed mine host affect- edly ; you should say, I have reconsidered ; when a thing is considered twice, it is reconsidered." — " Then I suppose," replied the other, " you have been twice a publican, for you certainly are now a republican" 4. Two brothers of celebrity walking near Holy- well Mount, " Zounds!" cried the elder, " come away, your life's in danger : don't you see written up on a board — It is lawful to shoot rulbish here" 336 puns. 5. Old Dennis, the author of several plays, passing by a brandy-shop, the master came out, and desired the favour of him to drink a dram. " For what rea- son?' 7 said Dennis. " Because," said the master, " you are a dramatic poet." When Dennis had com- plied with the invitation, and was going to walk away, the master asked him to pay for it. Dennis surprised, said, " Did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I was a dramatic poet ?" — " Yes, sir," replied the master, "but I would not have asked you, had I thought you a dram at tick poet." 6. A gentleman, well known for his facetiousness, was dining with a nobleman, and, as the company were talking of a voyage to India, some glasses of Cape were handed round the table. All the guests expressed their praises of its exquisite flavour, and wished much to have a second taste of it. When the gentleman found it was in vain to indulge this hope, he turned to the person who sat next him, and hap- pily alluding to the voyage to India, said, '"As we cannot doublt the Cape, suppose we go back to Ma- deira" 7. A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the hangman if he had any mes- sage to send to the place where he was going. " I will trouble you with a line" replied the finisher of the law, placing the cord under his left ear. 8. A certain reverend drone, in the country, preach- ing a very dull sermon to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out. of the church, one after another, before the sermon was nearly ended. " Truly," said a gentleman present, " this learned doctor has made a very moving discourse." 9. The day that Mr. Atkinson stood in the pillory for perjury, the facetious Mr. Margray was asked by puns. 337 a countryman, while he was standing at his door in Fleet-street, what made such crowds of people flock toward the city; to which he, with his usual humour, replied, " My friend, it is a collar-da.y at the corn- exchange/' 10. A gentleman and his friend passing through the Old Bailey, soon after the institution of the new drop, were stopped by an immense crowd, and, on enquir- ing into the cause, were told that in a few minutes one Vowel was to be hanged. " I wonder what Vowel that can he," cried one of them. " It is neither U nor I" replied the other ; " so let us pass on." 11. In company, a curious circumstance of a corpse in armour, with spurs on, being dug out of an old vault, was mentioned, and the persons present were conjecturing about trie mode of the death of the deceased. "I suppose/' said a wag, " the gentleman died of a galloping consumption." 12. A man praising ale, said, that it was such an excellent drink, that though taken in great quantities it always made him fat. " 1 have seen it make you lean" replied the other. " When ?" inquired the eulogist. " Why, last night — upon your stick." 13. Dr. , meeting some friends in the street, whose political opinions were democratical, asked them where they were going. They answered, " To dine at the King's Head." — " O, then I guess your dinner. You are going to have a chop, I suppose." 14. A gentleman coming into a coffee-room one stormy night, said, he never saw such a wind in his life. " Saw a wind!" says another; " I never heard of such a thing as seeing a wind; pray what was it like?" — " Like?" answered the gentleman; " why it was like to have blown my hat oft." 2 G 338 puns. 15. Jack Ketch being asked on what ground he claimed the clothes of those he hanged, he answered, u As their executor." 16. In the campaign in Holland, a party marching through a very soft morass, was ordered to form two deep. u Why/' exclaimed a corporal, who had sunk in nearly up to the neck, " I am too deep here al- ready/' 17. Three gentlemen supping at a tavern, one of them wished for partridges: a brace was brought, and he who had ordered them was requested to divide them ; which he accordingly did, by taking one to his own plate, and leaving the other for his friends. " Stop," cried one of them, " this is an unequal divi- sion." — " Not so," replied he; " there is one for you two, and one for me too." 18. A gentleman shewing his friend his curiosities of pictures, &c. in his gallery, on the other's praising them all very much, he gave him his choice of any one of them as a present. The stranger fixed his election on a tablet, in which the ten commandments were written in letters of gold. " You must excuse me there,'' replied the gentleman : " those I am bound to keep" 19. Concerning the late Earl of , who, when 3 r oung, was remarkable for cajoling his creditors with a future pay-day, it was observed, by one of his friends, that it was a pity that fortune should neglect so promising a young gentleman. 20. A person who r; sided in Pali-Mall, happening to spend an evening in the city, was asked in his turn for a song; v\hich he declined, alleging, that any attempt of his would give no entertainment. " I have heard him sing," says a gentleman, " and h« has an puns. 339 excellent voice." — u Whatever be in that/* resumed the other, u as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city." * 21. A thief, having stolen a cup out of a tavern, was pursued, and a great mob was raised around him, A bye-stander was asked what was the matter. " Nothing/ 7 replied he : " a poor fellow has only taken a cup too much." 22. A merry, but poor man, being laughed at for wearing a short cloak, replied, M It will be long enough before I have done with it." 23. When Swift was at his living in Laracor, a sale took place of a farmer's stock in the parish. The doctor chanced to walk past just as a pen Oi poultry had been put up. His celebrated clerk, Roger Cox, bid for them, and was overbid by a farmer named Hatch. " What, Roger, won't you bu\ the poultry? 7 ' exclaimed Swift. "No sir, 77 said Roger; " I see they are just going to Hatch" 24. A tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraid- ed by a neighbouring oyster-monger as being unge- nerous and selfish. The former replied, " And why would not you have me sell fish? 1 ' 25. A lady reproving a gentleman during the late hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. " Tery true, 77 ma- dam, answered he ; '" but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad." 26. When the Irish union was effected, Sir John Parnel's health was frequently drunk in genteel com- panies. Being one day, in a convivial party, he ob- served, jocularly, that by the union he had lost hi* 2g2 340 puns. bread and hitter. " Ah ! my dear sir," replied a gen- tleman, " never mind, for it is amply made up to you in toasts. 77 27. A chandler having got some candles stolen, was told to be of good cheer, " for in a short time they will all come to light" 28. In the year 1801 one of the clamourers against peace was enlarging on the disadvantage of it; but, at the same time, professing that he was no croaker. A wag who knew that an unsuccessful speculation was the real cause, denied the truth of this : — " For," said he, " you are not only a croaker, but an alley- croaker. 77 29. A punster, being told that a friend of his, who was a very clumsy fellow, had distinguished himself in the management of a convivial company, replied, " No wonder, he was intended by nature to be a chairman" 30. Mr. M- , master of the king's school, Can- terbury, being at a place where a gentleman express- ed great apprehensions on account of a bleeding he was next morning to undergo, by advice of his phy- sician; a punster, then present, told him, he would recommend him to employ that gentleman, (pointing to Mr. M *) who was a very fate and able flay- bottomist. 31. Mrs. Wrighton being one day rather indisposed with a cold, her husband came into the parlour where she was practising an air for Vauxhall, and observing a phial of physic which she had before said she had taken, he flung it at her head with great fury. A gen- tleman in the neighbourhood, mentioning the cruelty of it some time afterwards to a friend, ne very drily observed — He could not see any great impropriety puns. 341 in the affair ; Mrs. W. was singing, and Mr. W. only accompanied ber with the viol. PUNICAL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 32. Q. What part of England has the most dogs ? A. Barhshire. 33. Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land? A. The people of Cumberland. 34. Q. From whence came the first tumblers? A. From Somerset. 35. Q. What men in the world are the best sol- diers? A. Your red-haired men, because they al- ways carry their fire-locks on their shoulders. 36. Q. Why should a man in debt be called a diver? A. Because he is dipped over head and ears. 37. Q. Why were ladies of late well qualified for hunting? A. Because they came with a hoop and a hollow. 38. Q. What part of the world is the best to feed dogs in ? A. Lap-land. 39. Q. Why are the presbyterians, quakers, and others, said to be vermin? A. Because they are in- sects. 40. Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live? A. At Leg-horn. 41. A gentleman fond of playing the violin, was one morning practising, when his unele came in, and the following dialogue took place : Uncle. " i (ear Charles you lose a great deal of time with that fiddling." — Nephew. " Sir, 1 endea- vour to keep time." — Uncle. " You mean rather to Mil time" — Nephew. "No; I only beat time." 42. A tradesman finding his circumstances irretriev- ably involved, put a period to his existence in the 2 G 3 342 puns. canal in Hyde-park. Two neighbours talking on the subject, one of them asked how he came to drown himself. The other answered, " Because he could not keep his head above water." 43. A person meeting a friend, who had lately la- boured under a fit of the gout, inquired after his health, and was answered, " So, so." — " I am sorry you are no better," replied the gentleman ; " for I hoped you was recovered in to~to. v 44. A person meeting a friend in Hyde-park, who had been in very distressed cireumstances, driving a set of dun-coloured horses in his phaeton, exclaimed, " My dear sir, I am glad to see you driving your duns before you.'' 45. A countryman going into the office of the Com- mons, where the wills are kept, and gazing on the huge volumes on the shelves, asked if those were all hiblesl " No, sir/' answered one of the clerks, " they are testaments.'' 46. A gentleman at the Rotunda, one evening, see- ing some wax fall from a chandelier on that part of a lady's dress, who sat next to him, not a great way from her bosom, immediately took out his watch, and clapped one of the seals upon it. " Bless me, sir," said the lady, " what are you doing?" — " Only trying to make an impression upon you, madam," replied he. 47. A lady, who was very whimsical, had married a rich cheesemonger. A female friend said she was very glad of it, as now Miss might indulge in maggots without any expense. 48. A very beautiful woman having the miniature picture of her ugly husband suspended on her breast, asked a gentleman whom he ^thought it like ? - " I puns. 343 think/' said he, Cf it is like the Saracen's Head on Snow-kill." 49. A bachelor having reeeh ed a present of a line hare, employed his barber, who plumed himself on being an excellent cook, to dress it for dinner for him- self and a couple of friends. It was, however, by no means done justice to, and the gentleman saying he had had it dressed by a very clever fellow, his barber, one of the guests said, ''He may be a very clever barber, but he is a very bad ^are-dresser/* 50. A person who had been publicly horse-whipped, being asked by a friend, how he could suffer himself to be treated so like a cipher? " A cipher •!" replied the former, with the most composed gravity, " when did you ever see a cipher with so many strokes to it f 51. When the attempt was made against the life of Buonaparte, by the explosion of the Infernal, Ma- dame Buonaparte was following her husband in ano- ther carriage, and the explosion took place between the two. A person being asked what the matter was, answered, " Nothing material ; only a blow-up be- tween the first consul and his wife.*' 52. A gentleman returned from India, inquiring of a person respecting their common acquaintance, who had been hanged after he had left England, was told he was dead. " And did he continue in the grocery line?'' said the former. 4k Oh, no," replied the other, " he was quite in a different line when he died." 53. A person once hearing a lady sing, who had a disagreeable breath, was asked how he liked it. " The voice is good," said he, " but the air is intolerable/' 54. A wag, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was c osely cross-examined by the persons to w 7 homhe re- 344 puns. 1 ate d this marvellous story* Amidst various interro- gations to detect bis falsehood, one asked him, what the ghost said to him, u How should I understand," replied the narrator, " what he said, as you know I am not skilled in any of the dead languages. 55. A man having deposited his treasure under a hedge, found, to his great sorrow, that it had been discovered and carried off. Relating his misfortune to a friend, the latter observed, " It is surprising you should have lost your money, when you placed it in the bank/ 7 06. Two gentlemen wishing to go into a tavern on one of the national fast-days, found the door shut ; and on their knocking, the waiter told them from within, that his master would allow no one to enter during service on the fast-day. Wk Your master (said one of them) might be contented to fast himself, with- out r maliing his doors fast too. v 57. A young man who lived by his wits, &sk day roasted an old avaricious put, who testily told hir^ lie deserved a check. u I hope (said the other) it will be on your banker." 58. A conversation turned on actors travelling. Mr. Garrick and Mr. Kemble were mentioned as the only performers of note who had been abroad. An Irish young gentleman said he should suppose . Wewitzer had travelled much, as he had often heard of him in foreign parts. 59. A gentleman offered another a pinch out of his box. which he said lie much regarded, it having been in his family for a hundred years. His friend thank- ing him, said, 4i I am not in the habit of taking snuff; but as a curiosity I must have a pinch cut of your cent'ry box."' puns* 345 60. An elderly lady expressing her surprize at the present fashions, observed, that there was now no dis- play of dress, as .the custom of the present day only tended to show the shape, not to set off the attire, and wondered that the ladies should ever have relinquish- ed their former habiliments of whalebone hoops and stiff brocade, for muslin dresses like tinder. A gen- tleman remarked, this was probably done to catch the sparks. 61. A gentleman who was dining with another, praised very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher ? — " His name is Addison." — " Addison T echoed the guest, " pray, is he any relation to [the poet?' 7 — " In all probability he is, for he seldom ap- pears without his steel (Steele) by his side." 62. A person who had just taken a house in a country town, purchased a loaf of a neighbouring baker, which proved very brown and indifferent bread ; upon inquiring about it, he was informed it was household bread. u That may be," he replied, u but never again shall my house-hold it." 63. A person called upon a comb-maker, who was then at work, to let him know he was drawn for the militia. " 1 don't care,'' answered the comb-maker, " I am too young for service." — " Too young, and about thirty ! What do you mean V — " No matter for that," rejoined the comb-maker, "I can swear that I am now cutting my teeth." 64. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names were Strange, More, and Wright; said the last, " There is but one cuckold in company, and that is Strange." — " Yes/' answered Strange, " there is one More." — " Aye," said More, " that is Wright. \ 65. A dispute arising in a public house between 346 puns, two men respecting a point of law, they agreed to refer it to a third, who recommended them to the decision of the landlord, who he said was no doubt well versed in those matters, having been long employed at the bar. 66. A person one day meeting a pedantic friend, asked him how he did. The scholar said, " If I an- swer you in Latin I am sic, sic — if in English, so, so" " Well done/' replied the wit, " that I think is a good so so sort of a pun/' 67. A joke cannot have a happier effect than to dispel ill-humour and make a friend. Such was the result of ail accidental meeting a stranger and a crusty old gentleman, who as he was riding, his horse made an odd kind of a motion with his fore-feet, so as to kick forward. " This action of your horse,*' cried the stranger, " is quite new to me : many a horse I have seen, but I never saw a horse kick be- fore." The old gentleman was so tickled with the pun, that he invited the stranger to dinner, and ever after made him a welcome guest. 68. A gentleman, very moderate at home, was sure whenever he rode out to call on any of his friends, to come home intoxicated. His lady one day remonstrating on this bad habit, he answered, 4C My dear, it is only my riding habit. 17 69. A gentleman, who had had several wives, paid his addresses to a widow lady at Bath ; and it being remarked that he was a great duellist, " Then,'' said Derrick, the Master of the Ceremonies there, " the match will be the more a propos, for the lady has killed her man/ 9 70. When the Prince of Orange came to England, at the time of the Revolution, five of the serai puns. 347 bishops who Lad been sent to the Tower declared in his favour, and the two others would not conform to his measures. When Dryden heard of this, he said, " that seven golden candlesticks had been sent to the Tower to be assayed, said Jive of them proved to be prince's metal" 71. La Lande, the eminent astronomer, during the most perilous times of the French Revolution, con- fined himself closely to the pursuits of his favourite science. When he was asked to what happy cause he was indebted for escaping the fury of Robespierre, lie jocosely answered, u I may thank my stars for my preservation." 72. Dining one day with a gentleman whose beer was better hopped than malted, the gentleman asked Heywood, the poet, how he liked his beer ? " By the faith of my body!' 7 said he, "it very well hopped; but if it had hopped a little further, it had hopped into the water/' 73. When Heywood saw a gentleman riding, with a lady of doubtful character behind him, he said, " Truly, sir, I should say that your horse was over- loaded, if I did not perceive that the lady you carry is very light," 74. Daniel Purcell was a very determined non- juror. He told a friend of his, that when King George I. landed at Greenwich he had a full view of him. " Then," said his friend, " you know him by sight." — " Yes," replied Purcell, " 1 think I know him, but I cannot swear to him." 75. The famous Dr. Galloway, so remarkable for his surprising cures in the veterinary line, passing along the street, a young man called after him, u Dr. Horse, Dr. Horse f at which ihQ Doctor turning 348 puns. round, said, " Is it me you waut? my name is not Horse, but Galloway." — " And pray/' replied the wag-, " what mighty difference is there between a horse and a galloway V 7 76. In a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article : — " Memoirs of Charles the First, with a head capitally executed. 7 ' 77. A gentleman speaking of Lord Henry Petty's proposed tax on iron, observed, that as it had raised so many objections it would be better to lay it on coals. " No," said his friend, " that would be jump- ing out of the frying-pan into the fire. 78/ Caleb Whitford, of punning memory, once ob- serving a young lady very earnestly at work, knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her what she was doing* " Knotting, sir/* replied she. — ■" Pray, Mr. Whitford, can you knot V — " I can-not, madam," answered he. 79. A gentleman complained to old Bannister that some malicious person had cut oif his horse's tail, which, as he meant to sell him, would be a great drawback. " Then," said Charles, " you must sell him wholesale/ 7 — " Wholesale !" says the other, " how so?' 7 — " Because you cannot re-tail him/ 7 80. The same parties going into a shop where there was a large collection of philosophical apparatus, and among the rest an electrical eel. " What sort of pie would that eel make, Charles ?" said the gentleman. — " A shocking one/' replied the punster. 81. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who is a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. " It is so," answered he, fct and therefore the foundation of all wit." puns. 349 8*2. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was de- sired one night in company to make a pun extem- pore, "Upon what subject?*' said Daniel. " The King," answered the other, " Oh, sir," said he, " the • is no subject." 83. It was wittily said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other persons' tables, that he never opened his mouth but at another man's expense. 84. A poacher was carried before a magistrate, upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a noble- man's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, " -May- it please your worship, I know and confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told you ; but I can bring the whole parish to prove, that, for the last thirty years, this has been my ?nanner." 85. When Baron Nieuman w r as once playing at cards in a large company, he was guilty of an odd trick ; on which the company, in the warmth of their resentment, threw him out of the window of a one pair of stairs room, where they had been playing. The baron, meeting Foote some time after, was loudly complaining of this usage, and asked what he should do. "Do?" says the wit ; "why, never play so high again." 86. When the tax was imposed on watches, Prince Hoare, with his usual sprightliuess, observed that the most prevalent case among watchmakers was sha- green. 87. Doctor King, Archbishop of Dublin, having in- vited several persons of distinction to dine with him, had, amongst a great variety of dishes, a fine leg of 2 H 350 puns. mutton and caper sauce ; but the doctor, who was not fond of butter, and remarkable for preferring a trench- er to a plate, had some of the above mentioned pickles preserved dry for his use ; which, as he was mincing, he called aloud to one of the company to observe him : — " I here present you, my lord/' said he, " with a sight that may henceforward serve you to talk of as something curious, viz. That you saw an archbishop of Dublin, at 87 years of age, cut capers upon a trencher." 88. Mr. Caleb Whitefoord, on the late Lord Kenyon's being appointed lord lieutenant of Flint, said the appointment was perfectly natural, as his lord- ship was so apt to strike fire. 89. Ned Shuter, one day standing at a green-stall in Bow-street, was accosted by a shabby man, who asked him for charity, declaring he had not a shoe to his foot. Ned immediately presented him with part of his purchase at the first fruit-stall, adding, " that if he had not a shoe to his foot he was now presented to a pear" 90. When Signora GalLi, at the age of seventy-five, performed at an Oratorio in 1796, and on account of her age, and what she had been, was received with considerable applause, eld Caleb Whitefoord ob- served, it was not at all surprising, as the public are obliged to take any sort of notes now ? 91. " The watch and clock tax has set all the wit- lings going/' said Jack Bannister ; " but they have not yet been wound up to a striking pun." 92. The bishop of Litchfield, and Coventry, de- clared, one day, that the punishment used in schools did not make boys a whit better, or more tracta- ble : a nobleman in company insisted that whipping puns. 351 was of the utmost service, for every one must allow It made a boy smcwt. 93. Wewitzer, having given orders to his tailor for a spencer, asked how much it would cost. " I can- not/' answered Snip, " say exactly ; but to you, be assured, sir, it will come very low" — " Then," said the wit, " it will not be a spencer" 94. During the poll at Westminster, in the year 1784, a dead cat being thrown on the hustings, one of Sir Cecil Wray's party observed that it stunk worse than a fox ; to which Mr. Fox replied — There was. nothing extraordinary in that, considering it was a poll-cat. 95. Bannister met a theatrical friend, who asked him when he would come and dine with him. " What will you give me for dinner V* said Bannister. — " Why," replied the other, "you shall have eggs and bacon.* — " Then," said Bannister, " I had better come on a Fry-day?' i)6. Lord Pembroke, who was a remarkable pun- ster, during his viceroyship of Ireland, attached himself to Swift, from a conformity of disposition and talent. One day being at the castle, when a learned physician was reading a long dissertation to his ex- cellency, on the nature and quality of bees, in which he frequently denominated them, " a nation and com- monwealth/' — " Yes, my lord,'' said Swift, " they are a very ancient nation, indeed ; for you know, Moses takes notice of them ; and numbers the Hiviies among those nations which Joshua was appointed to con- quer." 97. A short time before Mr. Garnerin ascended into the atmosphere with his balloon, a countryman asked Mr. Cumberland if there was any truth in the report, 352 puns. that a man was going to fly into the air? " Why truly, my friend," replied the veteran bard, " I can- not justly inform you : for it is a rule with me, never to give credit to imflammatory rumours and flying re- ports. 1 * 98. Foote having a demand made on him for a debt, principal and interest, answered, it was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to pay the interest. 99. " That great overgrown baby, the French fleet/' said Prince Hoare, some years ago, " is so helpless, that Bonaparte finds himself still obliged to keep her at Brest:' 100. As a finale to this choice collection, we present the courteous reader with the following string of echo puns, surpassing all others. It is taken from a very scarce work, published in the reign of James I. This precious morceau has been often printed in a very in- correct and imperfect manner : — we now present it in its original beauty. A divine, willing to play more with words, than to be serious in the expounding of his text, spake thus in one part of his sermon: — " This -dy all shewes we must die all; yet, notwithstanding, all houses are turned into ale-houses; our cares are turned into cates ; our paradise into a pair of dice ; our marriage, into a merrry age ; our matrimony, into a matter of money ; our divines, into dry vines. It was not so in the days of Noah, Ah noV THE END. J. F. Dovf., Printer, St. John's Square. NOV 190 J Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: Dec. 2007 ^•^L^ y*k% PreservationTechnologies A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION I 111 Thomson Park Drive Cranberry Township, PA 16066 (724)779-2111 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 021 005 830 8 il