Glass. 
 Book 
 
 
 .1 
 
 .Ia\ 
 
HISTORY 
 
 OF 
 
 N E W-Y O E K 
 
V{a.s»n\agt^c\ Xxv'in^. 
 
 A 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 OF 
 
 N E W Y O R K, 
 
 FROM THE 
 
 BEGINNING OF THE AVORLD 
 
 TO THE 
 
 ExND OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 
 
 CONTAINING , 
 
 AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, 
 
 THE UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, 
 
 THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, 
 
 AND THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER 
 
 THE HEADSTRONG. 
 THE "^REE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF HEW AMSTERDAM : 
 
 Being the only Authentic History of the Times that ever hath been 
 published. 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 FOURTH AMERICAN EDIT! OX, 
 
 BY,DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 T>z tDaarfjeiU uie in tim^tec lag, 
 Die komt met ltUarl)?iD aan Dcn uag* 
 
 J^ETV'YORK: 
 
 Printed by C. S. Van Winkle, 
 No. 2 Thames-street. 
 
 1824. 
 
Southern District of Mw- Yo7-k, ss. 
 
 BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the twenty-first day of Novem- 
 ber, in tl)e forty-eighth year of the Independence of the United States 
 of America, C. S. Van Winkle, of the said District, hatli deposited in 
 this office the title of a book, the right whereof he claims as Pro- 
 prietor, in the words following, to wit : 
 
 <* A History of New-York, from the beginning of the world to the 
 end of the Dutch Dynasty. Containing among many surprising and 
 curious matters, the Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, 
 the Disastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivah-ic 
 Achievements of Peter the Headstrong. The three Dutch Governors 
 of New-Amsterdam. Being the only Authentic History of the Times 
 that ever hatli been published. In Two Volumes. Fourth American 
 Edition. By Dledrich Knickerbocker. 
 
 De waarheid die in duister lag, 
 
 Die komt met klaarheid aan den dag." ' 
 
 In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, en- 
 titled, *' An Act for the encouragement of Learning by securing the 
 copies of Maps Charts and Books, to tl}e Authors and Proprietors of 
 Siich copies during the times therein mentioned." And also to an 
 Act entitled " An Act supplementary to an act entitled An Act 
 for the encouragement of Learning by securing the copies of Maps, 
 Charts and Books to the Authors and Proprietors of such copies 
 during the times therein mentioned, and extending the benefits there- 
 of to the arts of designing, engraving and etching* historical and 
 other prints." 
 
 '' . ; JAMES DILL, 
 
 ' 'Clerk of the Southern District of JYew- York^ 
 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 OF 
 
 VOL. L 
 
 Account of the author Page x 
 
 Address to the public xxiii 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PHILOSO- 
 PHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION AND 
 POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE 
 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. 
 
 Chap. I. — Description of the World 31 
 
 Chap. II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the World , with 
 a multitude of excellent theories, by which the creation 
 of a world is shown to be no such difficult matter as 
 common folk would imagine 40 
 
 Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noali, was 
 shamefully nick-named; and how he committed an 
 unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With 
 the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and 
 the discovery of America 5 2 
 
 Ghap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty Philosophers 
 have had in peopling America — xlnd how the Abori- 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 gines came to be begolten by accident — to the great 
 relief and satisfaction of the Author . . . • 60 
 Chap, V. — In which the Author puts a mighty question 
 to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon 
 — which not only delivers thousands of people from 
 great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this in- 
 troductory book 69 
 
 BOOK II. 
 
 TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE 
 OF NIEUW-NEDERLANDT9. 
 
 Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a 
 man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master 
 Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country 
 — and how he was magnificently rewarded by the mu- 
 nificence of their High Mightinesses .... 90 
 
 Chap. II — Containing an account of a mighty Ark which 
 floated, under the protection of St. Nicholas, from 
 Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of the strange 
 Animals therefrom — a great victory, and a description 
 of the ancient village of Communipaw . . . 104 
 
 Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of making 
 a bargain — together with the miraculous escape of a 
 great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of cer- 
 tain heroes of Communipaw 113 
 
 Chap, IV. — How the heroes of Communipaw voyaged 
 to Hell-Gate, and how they were received there 122 
 
 Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned 
 somewhat wiser than they went — and how the sage 
 Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he 
 dreamed 136 
 
 Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and 
 of the founding of the great city of New-Amsterdam 
 
 142 
 
 Chap. VII. — How the city of New-Amsterdam waxed 
 great, under the protection of OlofFe the Dreamer 151 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 BOOK iir. 
 
 IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF 
 WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 
 
 Chap. I.— Of the renewed Wouter Van Twiller, his un- 
 paralleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom 
 in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent 
 Bleecker — and the great admiration of the public 
 thereat 159 
 
 Chap. II Containing* some account of the grand coun- 
 cil of New- Amsterdam, as also divers especial good 
 philosophical reasons why an alderman should be fat — 
 with other particulars touching the state of the pro- 
 vince 169 
 
 Chap. III. — How the town of New-Amsterdam arose 
 out of mud, and came to be marvellously polished and 
 polite — together with a picture of the manners of our 
 great great grandfathers 181 
 
 Ch4p. IV. — Containing farther particulars of the Golden 
 Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman 
 in the days of Walter the Doubter 191 
 
 ChAp. V. — In which the reader is beguiled into a delect- 
 able walk, which ends very differently from what it 
 commenced 199 
 
 Chap. VI. — Faithfully describing the ingenious people of 
 Connecticut and thereabouts — Showing, moreover, the 
 true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a curious de- 
 vice among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a har- 
 mony of intercourse, and promote population . 206 
 
 Chap. VII. — How these singular barbarians turned out to 
 be notorious squatters. How they built air castles, and 
 attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the mystery 
 of bundling 213 
 
 Chap. Vllf.— How the fort Goed Hoop was fearfully 
 beleaguered — how the renowned Wouter fell into a 
 profound doubt, and how he finally evaporated . 220 
 
CONTENTS. 
 BOOK IV. 
 
 CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIflN OF 
 WILLIAM THE TESTY. 
 
 Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in g-eneral : con- 
 taining- furthermore the universal acquirements of Wil- 
 liam the Testy, and how a man may learn so much as 
 to render himself g-ood for nothing 229 
 
 Chap. II. — In which are recorded the sage projects of a 
 ruler of universal genius. The art of fighting by pro- 
 clamation, — and how that the valiant Jacobus Van 
 Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at fort Goed 
 Hoop 241 
 
 Chap. Ill — Containing the fearful wrath of William the 
 Testy, and the great dolour of the New-Amsterdam- 
 mers ; because of the affair of fort Goed Hoop. And, 
 moreover, how William the Testy did strongly fortify 
 the city. — Together with the exploits of Stoffel Brink- 
 kerhoff 250 
 
 Chap. IV. — Philosophical reflections on the folly of 
 being happy in times of prosperity. — Sundry troubles 
 on the southern frontiers. — Kow William the Testy 
 had well nigh ruined the province through a cabalistic 
 word — As also the secret expedition of Jan Jansen 
 Alpendam, and his astonishing reward .... 260 
 
 Chap. V. — How William the Testy enriched the province 
 by a multitude of laws, and came to be the patron of 
 lawyers and bum-bailiffs. And how the people became 
 exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his in- 
 structions 271 
 
 Chap VI. — Of the great pipe plot — and of the dolorous 
 perplexities into which William the Testy was thrown 
 by reason of his having enlightened the multitude 281 
 
 Chap. VII. — Containing divers fearful accounts of Bor- 
 der wars, and tlie flagrant outrages of the Moss- 
 troopers of Connecticut — with the rise of the great 
 Amphyctionic council of the east, and the decline of 
 William the Testv 289 
 
ACCOUNT 
 
 OF 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 It was some time, if I recollect right, in the 
 early part of the autumn of 1808, that a stranger 
 applied for lodgings at the Independent Colum- 
 bian Hotel in Mulberry street, of which I am 
 landlord. He was a small, brisk looking old gen- 
 tleman, dreseed in a rusty black coat, a pair of 
 olive velvet breeches, and a small cockedhat. He 
 had a few gray hairs plaited and clubbed behind, 
 and his beard seemed to be of some eight-and-for- 
 ty hours growth. The only piece of finery which 
 he bore about him, was a bright pair of square 
 silver shoe buckles, and all his baggage was con- 
 tained in a pair of saddle bags, which he carried 
 under his arm. His whole appearance was some- 
 thing out of the common run ; and my wife, who 
 is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for 
 some eminent country schoolmaster. 
 
 As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very 
 small house, I was a little puzzled at first where 
 to put him ; but my wife, who seemed taken with 
 his looks, would needs put him in her best cham- 
 
 VOL. I. 2 
 
X ACCOUNT or 
 
 ber, which is genteelly set off with the profiles of 
 the whole family, done in black, by those two 
 great painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and commands 
 a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the 
 Collect, together with the rear of the Poor House 
 and Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital ; 
 so that it is the cheei^fullest room 'in the whole 
 house. 
 
 During the whole time that he stayed with us,' 
 we found him a very worthy good sort of an old 
 gentleman, though a little queer in his ways. He 
 would keep in his room for days together, and if 
 any of the children cried, or made a noise about 
 his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, 
 with his hands full of papers, and say something 
 about " deranging his ideas ;" which made my 
 wife believe sometimes that he was not altogether 
 compos. Indeed, there was more than one reason 
 to make her think so, for his room was always co- 
 vered with scraps of paper and old mouldy books, 
 laying about at sixes and sevens, which he would 
 never let any body touch ; for he said he had laid 
 them all away in their proper places, so that he 
 might know where to find them ; though for that 
 matter, he was half his time worrying about the 
 house in search of some book or writing which he 
 had carefully put out of the way. I shall never 
 forget what a pother he once made, because my 
 wife cleaned out his room when his back was 
 turned, and put every thing to rights ; for he 
 
THE AUTHOR. XI 
 
 swore he would never be able to get his papers in 
 order again in a twelvemonth. Upon this my wife 
 ventured to ask him what he did with so many 
 books and papers ? and he told her, that he was 
 *' seeking for immortahty ;" which made her think 
 more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's 
 head was a little cracked. 
 
 He was a very inquisitive body, and when not 
 in his room was continually poking about town, 
 
 hearing all the news, and prying into every thing 
 
 tlral vr«o govrxg r»n • this was ^>cxn,x^^^^ i^ ^, ^^ 
 
 about election time, when he did nothing but bustle 
 about from poll to poll, attending all ward meet- 
 ings and committee rooms; though I could never 
 find that he took part with either side of the ques- 
 tion. On the contrary, he would come home and 
 rail at both parties with great wrath — and plainly 
 proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and 
 three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, 
 that the two parties were like two rogues, each 
 tugging at a skirt of the nation ; and that in the 
 end they would tear the very coat off its back, and 
 expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was an oracle 
 among the neighbours, who would collect around 
 him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smok- 
 ed his pipe on the bench before the door ; and I 
 really believe he would have brought over the 
 whole neighbourhood to his own side of the ques- 
 tion, if they could ever have found out what it 
 
 was, 
 
Xll ACCOUNT OF 
 
 He was very much given to argue, or, as he 
 called it, philosophize, about the most trifling mat- 
 ter ; and to do him justice, I never knew any body 
 that was a match for him, except it was a grave 
 looking old gentleman who called now and then to 
 see him, and often posed him in an argument. 
 But this is nothing surprising, as I have since 
 found out this stranger is the city librarian ; and, 
 of course, must be a man of great learning : and 
 I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the 
 
 followino- Vii'^^- " 
 
 As our lodger had been a long time with us, 
 and we had never received any pay, my wife be- 
 gan to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to find 
 out who and what he was. She accordingly made 
 bold to put the question to his friend, the libra- 
 rian, who replied in his dry way that he was one 
 of the literati, which she supposed to mean some 
 new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger 
 for his pay ; so I M day after day pass on with- 
 out dunning the old gentleman for a farthing : but 
 my wife, who always takes these matters on her- 
 self, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, 
 at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she 
 thought it high time " some people should have a 
 sight of some people's money." To which the 
 old gentleman repHed, in a mighty touchy man- 
 ner, that she need not make herself uneasy, for 
 that he had a treasure there, (pointing t(i his sad- 
 #llo-bags,) worth hov Avholc house put toi^ethen 
 
THE AUTHOR. XIJI 
 
 This was the only answer we could ever get from 
 him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways 
 in which women find out every thing, learnt that 
 he was of very great connexions, being related to 
 the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin- 
 german to the congress-man of that name, she 
 did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, 
 she even offered, merely byway of making things 
 easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach 
 the children their letters ; and to try her best and 
 get her neighbours to send their children also : 
 but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, 
 and seemed so aifronted at being taken for a 
 school master, that she never dared speak on the 
 subject again. 
 
 About two months ago, he went out of a morn- 
 ing, with a bundle in his hand — and has never 
 been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were 
 made after him, but in vain. I wrote to his re- 
 lations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, 
 that he had not been there since the year before 
 last, when he had a great dispute with the con- 
 gress-man about politics, and left the place in a 
 huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any 
 thing of him from that time to this. I must own 
 I felt very much worried about the poor old gen- 
 tleman, for I thought something bad must have 
 happened to him, that he should be missing so 
 long, and never return to pay%is bill. I there- 
 fore advertised him in the newspapers, and though 
 2* 
 
:ViV ACCOUNT OF 
 
 my melancholy advertisement was published bj' 
 several humane printers, yet I have never been 
 able to learn any thing satisfactory about him. 
 
 My wife now said it was high time to take care 
 of ourselves, and see if he had left any thing be- 
 hind in his room, that would pay us for his board 
 and lodging. We found nothing, however, but 
 some old books and musty writings, and his sad- 
 dle-bags ; which, being opened in the presence 
 of the librarian, contained only a few articles of 
 worn-out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted 
 paper. On looking over this, the librarian told 
 us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which 
 the old gentleman had spoke about ; as it proved 
 to be a most excellent and faithful History of 
 New- York, which he advised us by all means 
 to publish : assuring us that it would be so eager- 
 ly bought up by a discerning publjc, that he had 
 no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears 
 ten times over. Upon this we got a very learn- 
 ed school-master, who teaches our children, to 
 prepare it for the press, which he accordingly 
 has done ; and has, moreover, added to it a num- 
 ber of valuable notes of his own. 
 
 This, therefore, is a true statement of my rea- 
 sons for having this work printed, without w^aiting 
 for the consent of the author : and I here declare, 
 that if he ever returns, (though 1 much fear some 
 unhappy accidentals befallen him,) I stand ready 
 
THE AUTHOR. XT 
 
 to account with him like a true and honest man. 
 Which is all at present, 
 
 From the public's humble Serv't. 
 
 Seth Handaside* 
 
 Independent Columbian Hotel., 
 New- York. 
 
 The foregoing account of the author was pre- 
 fixed to the first edition of this work. Shortly 
 after its publication a letter was received from 
 him, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch 
 village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he 
 had travelled for the purpose of inspecting cer- 
 tain ancient records. As this was one of those 
 few and happy villages, into which newspapers 
 never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise, 
 that Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen 
 the numerous advertisements that were made 
 concerning him ; and that he should learn of the 
 publication of his history by mere accident. 
 
 He expressed much concern at its premature 
 appearance, as thereby he was prevented frorh 
 making several inportant corrections and altera- 
 tions : as well as from profiting bj many curious 
 hints which he had collected during his travels 
 
XVI ACCOUNT OF 
 
 along the shores of the Tappaan Sea, and his so- 
 journ at Haverstraw and Esopus. 
 
 Finding that there was no longer any immedi- 
 ate necessity for his return to New-York, he ex- 
 tended his journey up to the residence of his re- 
 lations at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither, he 
 stopped for some days at Albany, for which city 
 he is known to have entertained a great partiali- 
 ty. He found it, however, considerably altered, 
 and was much concerned at the inroads and im- 
 provements which the Yankees were making, and 
 the consequent decline of the good old Dutch 
 manners. Indeed, he was informed that these 
 intruders were making sad innovations in all parts 
 of the state ; where they had given great trouble 
 and vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the 
 introduction of turnpike gates, and country school- 
 houses. It is said also, that Mr. Knickerbocker 
 shook his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual 
 decay of the great Vander Heyden palace ; but 
 was highly indignant at finding that the ancient 
 Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the 
 street, had been pulled down, since his last visit. 
 
 The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history hav- 
 ing reached even to Albany, he received much 
 flattering attentijjn from its worthy burghers, some 
 of whom, however, pointed out tAvo or three very 
 great errors he had fallen into, particularly that 
 of suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany 
 tea-tables, which, they assured him, had been dis- 
 
THE AUTHOR. XVll 
 
 continued for some years past. Several families, 
 moreover, were somewhat piqued that their an- 
 cestors had not been mentioned in his work, and 
 showed great jealousy of their neighbours who 
 had been thus distinguished ; while the latter, it 
 must be confessed, plumed themselves vastly 
 thereupon ; considering these recordings in the 
 light of letters-patent of nobihty, establishing 
 their claims to ancestry — which, in this republi- 
 ean country, is a matter of no little solicitude and 
 vain glory. 
 
 It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour and ' 
 countenance from the governor, who once a^ked 
 him to dinner, and was seen two or three times 
 to shake hands with him, when they met in the 
 street ; which certainly was going great lengths, 
 considering that they differed in politics. Indeed, 
 certain of the governor's confidential friends, to 
 whom he could venture to speak his mind freely 
 on such matters, have assured us, that he private- 
 ly entertained a considerable good will for our 
 author — nay, he even once went so far as to de- 
 clare, and that openly too, and at his own table, 
 just after dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a very 
 " well meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no 
 •' fool." From all which many have been led to 
 suppose, that had our author been of different 
 politics, and written for the newspapers instead 
 of wasting his talents on histories, he might have 
 risen to some post of honour and profit : perad- 
 
XX ACCOUNT 0F 
 
 entered into the full enjoyment of the advantages 
 of a literarj rei-^iitaiion. He was continually im- 
 portuned to write advertisemeuts, petitions, hand- 
 bills, and productions of similar import ; and, al- 
 though he never meddled with the public papers, 
 yet had he the credit of writing innumerable es- 
 says, and smart things, that appeared on all sub- 
 jects, and all sides of the question ; in all which 
 he was clearly detected " by his style." 
 
 He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt 
 at the post office, in consequence of the numer- 
 ous letters he received from authors and printers 
 soliciting his subscription, and he was applied to 
 by every charitable society for yearly donations, 
 which he gave very cheerfully, considering these 
 applications as so many compliments. He was 
 once invited to a great corporation dinner ; and 
 was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman 
 at the court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so re- 
 nowned did he become, that he could no longer 
 pry about, as formerly, in all holes and corners of 
 the city, according to the bent of his humour, un- 
 noticed and uninterrupted \ but several times 
 when he has been sauntering the streets, on his 
 usual rambles of observation, equipped with his 
 cane and cocked hat, the little boys at play have 
 been known to cry, "there goes Diedrich!" — ^at 
 which the old gentleman seemed not a little pleas- 
 ed, looking upon these salutations in the light of 
 the praises of posterity. 
 
THE AUTHOR. XXI. 
 
 In a word, if we take into consideration all 
 these various honours and distinctions, together 
 with an exuberant eulogium, passed on him in the 
 Port Folio — (with which, we are told, the old 
 gentleman was so much overpowered, that he was 
 sick for two or three days) — it must be confess- 
 ed, that few authors have ever lived to receive 
 such illustrious rewards, or have so completely 
 enjoyed in advance their own immortality. 
 
 After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knick- 
 erbocker took up his residence at a little rural 
 retreat, which the Stuyvesants had granted him 
 on the family domain, in gratitude for his honour- 
 able mention of their ancestor. It was pleasantly 
 situated on the borders of one of the salt marshes 
 beyond Corlear-s Hook: subject, indeed, to be 
 occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in 
 the summer time, with musquitoes; but otherwise 
 very agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt 
 grass and bull-rushes. 
 
 Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gen- 
 tleman fell dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned 
 by the neighbouring marshes. When he found 
 his end approaching, he disposed of his worldly 
 affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the New- 
 York Historical Society : his Hiedelburgh Cate- 
 chism, and Vander Donck's work to the city li- 
 brary; and his saddle-bags to Mr. Handaside. He 
 forgave all his enemies,— -that is to say, all who 
 bore any enmity towards him: for a? to himself. 
 
 vol.. I. 3 
 
XXU ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 
 
 he declared he died in good will with all the 
 world. And, after dictating several kind mes- 
 sages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as 
 to certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, 
 he expired in the arms of his friend the librarian. 
 His remains were interred, according to his 
 own request, in St. Mark's churchyard, close by 
 the bones of his favourite hero, Peter Stuyve- 
 sant : and it is rumoured, that the Historical So- 
 ciety have it in mind to erect a wooden monu- 
 ment to his memory in the Bowling-Green. 
 
TO THE PUBLIC. 
 
 " To rescue from oblivion the memory of for- 
 " mer incidents, and to render a just trifcwite of 
 " renown to the many great and wonderful trans- 
 " actions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich 
 " Knickerbocker, native of the city of New- York, 
 " produces this historical essay."* Like the great 
 Father of History, whose words I have just quo- 
 ted, I treat of times long past, over which the twi- 
 light of uncertainty had already thrown its sha- 
 dows, and the night of forgetfulness was about to 
 descend forever. With great solicitude had I long 
 beheld the early history of this venerable and an- 
 cient city gradually slipping from our grasp, trem- 
 bling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by 
 day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a lit- 
 tle while, thought I, and those reverend Dutch 
 burghers, who serve as the tottering monuments 
 of good old times, will be gathered to their fa- 
 
 * Beloe''s Herodotus-. 
 
XXIV PREFACE. 
 
 thers; their children engrosfed Ij^^the emptyplea- 
 siires or insignificant transactions of the present 
 oge, will neglect to treasure up the recollections 
 oi' the past, and posterity will search in vain for 
 memorials of the days of the Patriarchs. The 
 origin of our city will be buried in eternal obli- 
 vion, and even the names and achievements of 
 IV'outer Van Twiller, William Kicft, and Peter 
 Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction^ 
 like those of Romulus and Rhemus, of Charle- 
 magne, king Arthur, Rinaldo, and Godfrey of 
 Bolo^e. 
 
 Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this 
 threatened misfortune, I industriously set myself 
 to work, to gather together all the fragments of 
 our infant history which still existed, and like my 
 revered prototype, Herodotus, where no written 
 records could be found, I have endeavoured to 
 continue the chain of history by well-authentica- 
 ted traditions. 
 
 In this arduous undertaking, which has been 
 the whole business of a long and solitary hfe, it is 
 incredible the number of learned authors 1 have 
 consulted ; and all but to little purpose. Strange 
 as it may seem, though such multitudes of excel- 
 lent works have been written about this country, 
 there are none extant which give any full and sa- 
 tisfactory account of the early history of New- 
 York, orof its three first Dutch governors. I have, 
 however, gained much valuable and curious mat- 
 
PRETACE. XXV 
 
 ter, from an elaborate manuscript written in ex- 
 ceeding pure and classic low Dutch, excepting a 
 few errors in orthography, which was found in the 
 archives of the Stuyvesant family. Many le- 
 gends, letters Sid other documents have I likewise 
 gleaned, in my researches among the family chests 
 and lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citi- 
 zens ; and I have gathered a host of well-authenti- 
 cated traditions from divers excellent old ladies of 
 my acquaintance, who requested that their names 
 might not be mentioned. No'r must I neglect to 
 acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted 
 by that admirable and. praiseworthy institution, 
 the New- York Historical Society, to which I 
 here publicly return my sincere apknowledge- 
 ments. 
 
 In the conduct of this inestimable work I have 
 adopted no individual model ; but on the contrary 
 have simply contented myself with combining 
 and concentrating the excellencies of the most 
 approved ancient historians. Like Zenophon, 
 I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and 
 the strictest adherence to truth throughout my 
 history. I have enriched it after the manner of 
 Sallust, with various characters of ancient wor- 
 thies, drawn at full length and faithfully colour- 
 ed. I have seasoned it with profound pohtical 
 speculations like Thvx}dides, sweetened it with 
 the graces of sentiment i^d^e Tacitas, and infased 
 into the whole ihe dignity, the grandeur, and 
 magnificence of lAvy, 
 
XXVI PREFACE. 
 
 I am aware that I shall incur the censure of 
 numerous very learned and judicious critics, for 
 indulging too frequently in the bold excursive 
 manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be 
 candid, I have found it impossiblewways to resist 
 the allurements of those pleasing episodes, which 
 like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the 
 dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn 
 aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. 
 But I trust it will be found, that I have always 
 resumed my staff,- and addressed myself to my 
 weary journey with renovated spirits, so that both 
 my readers and myself have been benefited by 
 the relaxation. 
 
 Indeed, though it has been my constant wish 
 and uniform endeavour to rival Polybius himself, 
 in observing the requisite unity of History, yet 
 the loose and unconnected manner in which many 
 of the facts herein recorded have come to hand, 
 rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. 
 This difficulty was likewise increased, by one of 
 the grand objects contemplated in my work, 
 which was to trace the rise of sundry customs and 
 institutions in this best of cities, and to compare 
 them, when in the germ of infancy, with what 
 they are in the present old age of knowledge and 
 improvement. 
 
 But the chief merit on which I value myself, 
 and found my hopes for future regard, is that 
 faithful veracity with which I have compiled this 
 
PREPACK. XXVil 
 
 invaluable little work ; carefully winnowing away 
 the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tares 
 of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke 
 the seeds of truth and wholesome knowledge. — 
 Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial 
 throng, who skim like swallows over the surface 
 of literature ; or had I been anxious to commend 
 my writings to the pampered palates of literary 
 epicures, I might have availed myself of the ob- 
 scurity that overshadows the infant years of our 
 city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. 
 But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy 
 tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the drow- 
 sy ear of summer indolence might be enthralled ; 
 jealousy maintaining that fidelity, gravity, and 
 dignity, which should ever distinguish the histo- 
 rian. " For a writer of this class," observes an 
 elegant critic, " must sustain the character of a 
 wise man, writing for the instruction of posterity ; 
 one who has studied to inform himself well, who 
 has pondered his subject with care, and addres- 
 ses himself to our judgment, rather than to our 
 imagination." 
 
 Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned 
 city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the 
 theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy is it in 
 having such an historian as myself to relate them. 
 For after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves^ 
 and, in fact, empires of themselves, are nothing 
 without an historian. It is the patient nari-ator 
 
XXVIU PREFACE. 
 
 who records their prosperity as they rise — wlio 
 blazons forth the splendour of their noontide me- 
 ridian — who props their feeble memorials as they 
 totter to decay — who gathers together their scat- 
 tered fragments as they rot — and who piously, at 
 length, collects their ashes into the mausoleum of 
 his work, and rears a monument that will trans- 
 mit their renown to all succeeding ages. 
 
 What has been the fate of many fair cities of 
 antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber the 
 plains of Europe and Asia, and awaken the fruit- 
 less inquiry of the traveller ? — they have sunk 
 into dust and silence — they have perished from 
 remembrance for want of an historian ! The phi- 
 lanthropist may weep over their desolation — the 
 poet may wander among their mouldering arches 
 and broken columns, and indulge the visionary 
 flights of his fancy — but alas ! alas ! the modern 
 historian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to 
 confine itself to dull matter of fact, seeks in vain 
 among their oblivious remains, .for some memo- 
 rial that may tell the instructive tale of their 
 glory and their ruin. 
 
 '• Wars, conflagrations, deluges," says Aristo- 
 tle, " destroy nations, and with them all their 
 monuments, their discoveries, and their vanities 
 — The torch of science has more than once been 
 extinjruished and rekindled — a few individuals, 
 who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread 
 of genera tions." 
 
PREFACE. XXIX 
 
 The same sad misfortune which has happened 
 10 so many ancient cities, will happen again, and 
 from the same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those 
 which now flourish on the face of the globe. With 
 most of them the time for recording theii* early 
 history is gone by; their origin, their foundation, 
 together with the eventful period of their youth, 
 are forever buried in the rubbish of years; and the 
 same would have been the case with this fair por- 
 tion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from ob- 
 scurity in the very nick of time, at the moment 
 that those matters herein recorded were about 
 entering into the wide-spread insatiable maw of 
 oblivion — if I had not dragged them out, as it 
 were, by the very locks, just as the monster's ada- 
 mantine fangs were closing upon them for ever ! 
 And here have I, as before observed, carefully 
 collected, collated, and arranged them, scrip and 
 scrap, ''punt en punt, gat en gat,'''' and commen- 
 ced in this little work, a history to serve as a foun- 
 dation, on which other historians may hereafter 
 raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process 
 of time, until Knickei'hocker'' s New-York may 
 be equally voluminous with Gibbon'' s Rome, or 
 Hume and SmolleVs England ! 
 
 And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay 
 down my pen, skip to some little eminence at 
 the distance of two or three hundred years a- 
 head ; and, casting back a bird's-eye glance over 
 the waste of years that is to roll between, disco- 
 
XXX PKEFACE. 
 
 ver myself — little I ! — at this moment the proge 
 nitor, prototype, and precursor of them all, post 
 ed at the head of this host of literary worthies 
 with my book under my arm, and New- York oi 
 my back, pressing forward, like a gallant com 
 mander, to honour and immortality. 
 
 Such are the vain-glorious imaginings that wil 
 now and then enter into the brain of the author- 
 that irradiate, as with celestial light, his solitar 
 chamber, cheering his weary spirits, and animat 
 ing him to persevere in his labours. And I hav( 
 freely given utterance to these rhapsodies when 
 ever they have occurred; not, I trust, from an un 
 usual spirit of egotism, but merely that the reade 
 may for once have an idea, how an author thinki 
 and feels while he is writing — a kind of know 
 ledge very rare and curious, and much to be de 
 sired. 
 
BOOK I. 
 
 CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND 
 PHILOSOPHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE 
 CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS 
 CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, 
 
 CHAPTER 1. 
 
 Description of the World, 
 
 According to the best authorities, theworld in 
 which we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, in- 
 animate mass, floating in the vast ethereal ocean 
 of inflnite space. It has the form of an orange, 
 being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened- at 
 opposite parts, for the insertion of tAvo imaginary 
 poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite 
 at the centre ; thus forming an axis on which the 
 mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revo- 
 lution. 
 
 The transitions of light and darkness, whence 
 proceed the alternations of day and night, are pro- 
 duced by this diurnal revolution successively pre- 
 
32 • DERSCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 
 
 senting the different parts of the earth to the rajs 
 of the sun. The latter is, according to the hest, 
 that is to say, the latest accounts, a luminous or 
 fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which 
 this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling 
 power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal 
 orattractive force; otherwise called the attraction 
 of gravitation; the combination, or rather the 
 counteraction of these two opposing impulses 
 producing a circ-ular and annual revolution. 
 Hence result the different seasons of tiie year^ 
 viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 
 
 This I believe to be the most approved modern 
 theory on the subject — thongh there be many phi- 
 losophers who have entertained very different 
 opinions ; some, too, of them entitled to much de- 
 ference from their great antiquity and illustrious 
 characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the 
 ancient sages, that the earth was an extended 
 plain, supported by vast pillars; and by others, 
 that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back 
 of a huge tortoise — but as they did not provide a 
 resting place for either the pillars or the tortoise, 
 the whole theory fell to the ground, for want of 
 proper foundation. 
 
 The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon 
 the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein 
 like fishes in the water, moving from east to wet.t 
 by day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon 
 
DESCRIPTION OP THE \fORLi3« 3o 
 
 to their original stations during the night ;* while, 
 according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast 
 plain, encircled hy seven oceans of milk, nectar, 
 and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with 
 seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre 
 by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and 
 that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the 
 moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lu- 
 nar eclipses.! 
 
 Beside these, and many other equally sage 
 opinions, we have the profound conjectures of 
 Aboul-Hassan-aly, son of AI Khan, son of Aly, 
 son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Ma- 
 soud-el-Hadheh, who is commonly called Masou- 
 Di, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the 
 humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, w^hich means the 
 companion of the ambassador of God. He has 
 written a universal history, entitled '' Mouroudge- 
 ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the Mines 
 of Precious Stones."! In this valuable work he has 
 related the history of the world, from the creation 
 down to the moment of writing ; which was under 
 the Khaliphat of Mothi Biiiah, in the month Dgi- 
 oumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year of the Hegira 
 or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the 
 earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina consti- 
 
 * Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note b. 7. 
 f Sir W. Joues, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod.^ 
 I Mss. Bibliot. Roi. Fr. 
 VOL. I. 4 
 
34 DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 
 
 tilting the head, Persia and India the right wing, 
 the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa titc caih 
 He informs us, moreover, that an earth has exist- 
 ed before the present, (which he considers as a 
 mere chicken of 7000 years) that it has undergone 
 divers deluges, and that, according to the opi- 
 nion of some well-informed Brahmins of his ac- 
 quaintance, it will be renovated every seventy 
 thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam consist- 
 ing of 12,000 years. 
 
 These are a few of the many contradictory opi» 
 nions of philosophers concerningthe earth, and we 
 ' find that the learned have had equal perplexity as 
 to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient 
 philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast w^heel 
 of brilliant fire ;^ others that it is merely a mirror 
 or sphere of transparent crystal ;i and a third 
 class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, 
 maintained that it w^as nothing but a huge ignited 
 mass of iron or stone — indeed, he declared thehea- 
 vens tobe merely a vault of stone— and Ihatthe stars 
 were stones whirled upward from the earth, and set 
 on fire by the velocity of its revolutions.]: But I 
 give little attention to the doctrines of this philo- 
 sopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted 
 
 * Plutarch dc placitis Philosopli. lib. ii. cap. 20. 
 
 t Achill. Tat. Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. 
 Stob. Eclog-. Phys lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac Phi. 
 
 I Diog-enes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol, 
 (. i. p. 26. Plut. dc Plac. Philo. Xenoph. MeiBc 1, iy. p. 
 815. 
 
DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. OO 
 
 tliem, by banishing him from their city; a concise 
 mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much 
 resorted to in former days. Another sect of philfJ- 
 sophers do declare, that certain fiery particles ex- 
 hale constantly from the earth, which concentra- 
 ting in a single point of the tinnamcnt by day, 
 constitute the sun, but being scattered and ram- 
 bling about in the dark at night, collect in various 
 points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt 
 out and extinguished, not unlike to the lamps in 
 our streets, and recjuire afresh supply of exhala- 
 tions for the next oceasioui'^ 
 
 It is even recorded, that at certain remote and 
 obscure periods, in consequence of a great scar- 
 city of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt 
 out, and sometimes not rekindled for a month at 
 a time. A most melancholy circum.stance, the 
 very idea of which gave vast concern to Hcracli- 
 tus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. 
 In addition to these various speculations, it was 
 the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnih- 
 cent, habitable abode ; the light it furnishes arising 
 from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric 
 clouds, swimming in its transparent atmosphere.! 
 
 But we will not enter farther at present into the 
 nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not im- 
 
 * Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl.sec. 15. Stoh. 
 Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p. 1154, &c. 
 
 t Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 72. Idem. 1801. p. 2G5. Nidi. 
 Philos. Journ. I. p. 13. 
 
ob DESCRIPTION OP THE WORLD. 
 
 mediately necessary to the development of this 
 history ; neither will we embroil ourselves in any 
 i»ore of the endless disputes of philosophers 
 touching the form of this globe, but content our- 
 selves with the theory advanced in the beginning 
 of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate, by 
 experiment, the complexity of motion therein 
 ascribed to this our rotatory planet. 
 
 Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as 
 the name may be rendered into English,) was long 
 celebrated in the university of Leyden, for pro- 
 found gravity of deportment, and a talent at going 
 to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the infi- 
 nite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby 
 worked their way through college with great ease 
 and little study. In the course of one of his lec- 
 tures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of 
 water, swung it round his head at arm's length. The 
 impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, 
 being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm 
 operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, 
 which was a substitute for the earth, describing a 
 circular orbit round about the globular h^ad and 
 ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which 
 formed no bad representation of the sun. All of 
 these particulars were duly explained to the class 
 of gaping students around him. He apprised them, 
 moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, 
 which retained the water in the bucket, restrains 
 the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid 
 
iJfeSCRiPtlON OF THE WORLD. 37 
 
 devolutions ; and he farther informed them that 
 should the motion of the earth he suddenly check- 
 ed, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through 
 the centripetal force of gravitation ; a most ruin- 
 ous event to this planet, and one which would also 
 obscure,.though it most probably would not extin- 
 gftish, the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, 
 one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent into 
 the world merely to annoy worthy men of the 
 puddinghead order, desirous of ascertaining the 
 correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested 
 the arm of the professor, just at the moment that 
 the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately 
 descended with astonishing precision upon the 
 philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A 
 hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the 
 contact ; but the theory was in the amplest man- 
 ner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket pe- 
 rished in the conflict; but the blazing counte- 
 nance of Professor Von Poddingcoft emerged 
 from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever 
 with unutterable indignation, whereby the stu- 
 dents were marvellously edified, and departed 
 considerably wiser than before. 
 
 It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly 
 perplexes many a pains-taking philosopher, that 
 nature often refuses to second his most profound 
 and elaborate efforts ; sothatafter having invented 
 one of the most ingenious and natural theories 
 imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act 
 4* 
 
38 DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLO. 
 
 directly in the teetli of his system, and flatly con* 
 tradict his most favourite positions. This is a 
 manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws 
 the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely 
 upon the philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to 
 be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably 
 correct, but to the waywardness of dame nature, 
 who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is 
 continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, 
 and seems really to take pleasure in violating all 
 philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and 
 indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened 
 with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explana- 
 tion of the motion of our planet ; it appears that 
 the centrifugal force has long since ceased to ope- 
 rate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished 
 potency : the world, therefore, according to the 
 theory as it originally stood, ought in strict pro- 
 priety to tumble into the sun ; pliilosophers were 
 convinced that it would do so, and awaited in 
 anxious impatience the fulfilment of their prog- 
 nostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously 
 continued her course, notwithstanding that she 
 had reason, philosophy, and a v>'hole university of 
 learned professors opposed to her conduct. The 
 philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is 
 thought they would never have pardoned the 
 slight and afiront which they conceived put upon 
 them by the world, had not a good natured pro- 
 
DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD. 39 
 
 fessor kindly officiated as a mediator between the 
 parties, and effected a reconciliation. 
 
 Finding the world would not accommodate it- 
 self to the theory, he wisely determined to ac- 
 commodate the theory to the world : he therefore 
 informed his brother philosophers, that the circu- 
 lar motion of the earth round the sun was no 
 sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses 
 above described, than it became a regular revolu- 
 tion, independent of the causes which gave it ori- 
 gin. His learned brethren readily joined in the 
 opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation 
 that would decently extricate them from their 
 embarrassmerrt — and ever since that memorable 
 era the world has been left to take her own 
 course, and to revolve around the sun in such 
 orbit as she thinks proper. 
 
40 CREATION OF THE V/ORtD» 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Cosmogony^ or Creation of the World j with &, 
 multitude of excellent theories^ by which the 
 creation of a world is shown to he no such 
 difficult matter as common folk would ima^ 
 gine. 
 
 Having thus briefly introduced my reader to 
 the world, and given him some idea of its form 
 and situation, he will naturally be curious to know 
 from whence it came, and how it was created. 
 And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is 
 absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if 
 this world had not been formed, it is more thaa 
 probable, that this renowned island on which is 
 situated the city of New- York, would never have 
 had an existence. The regular course of my his- 
 tory, therefore, requires that I should proceed to 
 notice the cosmogony or formation of this our 
 globe. 
 
 And now I give my readers fair warning, that I 
 am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as 
 complete a labyrinth as ever historian was per- 
 plexed withal: therefore, I advise them to take 
 fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, 
 venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, 
 lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible 
 
CREATION OF THE WORLD. 4^ 
 
 learning, or have their brains knocked out by 
 some of those hard Greek names which will be 
 flying about in all directions. But should any of 
 them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to ac- 
 company me in this perilous undertaking, they 
 had better take a short cut round, and wait for 
 me at the beginning of some smoother chapter. 
 
 Of the creation of the world, we have a thou- 
 sand contradictory accounts ; and though a very 
 satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revela- 
 tion, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour 
 bound to furnish us with a better. As an impar- 
 tial historian, I consider it my daty to notice their 
 several theories, by which mankind have been so 
 exceedingly edified and instructed. 
 
 Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, 
 that the earth and the whole system of the uni- 
 verse was the deity himself ;* a doctrine most 
 strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the 
 whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabo and the 
 sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras like- 
 wise inculcated the famous numerical system of 
 the monad, dyad, and triad, and by means of his 
 sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the 
 world, the arcana of nature, and the principles 
 both of music and morals. t Other sages adhered 
 
 * Aristct. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3. 
 
 f Aristot. Metaph lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Coelo, 1. iii. G.- 
 1. Rosseau mem. sur Musique ancieu, p. 39, Plutarch 
 Je Plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. -3. 
 
4^ CREATION OF THE WORLD. 
 
 to the mathematical system of squares and trian- 
 gles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the 
 tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, and 
 the dodecahedron.* While*)thers advocated the 
 great elementary theory, which refers the con- 
 struction of our globe and all that it contains, to 
 the combinations of four material elements, air, 
 earth, lire, and water; with the assistance of a 
 fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle. 
 
 Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic 
 system taught by old Moschus, before the siege 
 of Troy ; revived by Democritas of laughing me- 
 mory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of good 
 fellows, and modernized by the fanciful Descartes. 
 But I decline inquiring, whether the atoms, of 
 which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal 
 or recent ; whemer they are animate or inanimate ; 
 whether, agreeably to the opinion of the atheists, 
 they Avere fortuitously aggregated, or, as the thc- 
 ists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intel- 
 ligence. t Whether, in fact, the earth be an in- 
 sensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soul ;| 
 which opinion was strenuously maintained by a 
 
 * Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90. 
 
 f Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph, 
 lib. i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. 
 Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 20. 
 
 \ Mosbeim in Cudvv. lib. i. cap. 4. Tiin. de anin). 
 mund. ap. Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de PAcad. des Belles Lettr. 
 t. xxxii. p. 19. et al. 
 
CREATION OF THE WORLB. 43 
 
 host of philosCphers, at the head of whom stands 
 the i^reat Plato, that temperate sage, who th^-ew 
 the coid water of j^hilosophy on the form of scviial 
 intercoarse^aad inculcated the doctrine of Plato- 
 nic love — an exquisitely refined iiitercourse, but 
 much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of 
 his imaginary island of Atlantis than to the stur- 
 dy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, 
 which populates the little matter of fact island 
 we inhabit. 
 
 Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the 
 poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who ge^ erated 
 the whole universe in the regular mode of p:v)cre- 
 ation, and the plausible opinion of others, tViat the 
 earth was hatched from the great egg of night, 
 which iioated in chaos, and was cracked by the 
 horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last 
 doctrine, Burnet in his theory of the earth,* has 
 favoured us w)th an accurate drawing and des- 
 cription, both of the form and texture of this mun- 
 dane egg ; which is found to bear a marvellous 
 resembknce to that of a goose. Such of my 
 readers as take a proper interest in the origin of 
 this our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the 
 most profound sages of antiquity, among the 
 Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks and La- 
 tins, have alternately assisted at the hatching of 
 this strange bird, and that their cacklings hare 
 
 * Book i. ck. 6. 
 
44 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 
 
 been caught, and continued in different tones and 
 inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto 
 the present day. 
 
 But while briefly noticing long celebrated sys- 
 tems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with 
 neglect those ofotherphilosophers; which, though 
 less universal and renowned, have equal claims to 
 attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thu» 
 it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of 
 their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, 
 transforming himself into^ great boar, plunged 
 into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth 
 on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty 
 tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed 
 the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and 
 he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.* 
 
 The negro philosophers of Congo afiirm that 
 the world was made by the hands of angels, ex- 
 cepting their own country, which the Supreme 
 Being constructed himself, that it might be su- 
 premely excellent. And he took great pains with 
 the inhabitants, and made them very bkick, and 
 beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, 
 he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him 
 over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose 
 of all his descendants, became flat. 
 
 The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a preg- 
 nant woman fell down from heaven, and that a 
 
 Holwell. Gent. Philosophy. 
 
 
rjREATION OF THE WORLD. 45 
 
 tortoise took her upon its back, because every 
 place was covered with water ; and that the wo- 
 man, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her 
 hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence 
 it finally happened that the earth became higher 
 than the water.* 
 
 But I forbear to quote a number more of these 
 ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplo- 
 rable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, 
 compelled them to write in languages which but 
 few of my readers can understand ; and I shall 
 proceed briefly to notice a few more intelhgible 
 and fashionable theories of their modern succes- 
 sors. 
 
 And, first, I shall mention the great Bufiron,who 
 conjectures that this globe was originally a globe 
 of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, 
 by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is gene- 
 rated by the collision of flint and steel. That at 
 first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which, 
 cooling and condensing in process of time, consti- 
 tuted, according to their densities, earth, water, 
 and air; which gradually arranged themselves, ac- 
 cording to their respective gravities, round the 
 burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre. 
 
 Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the wa- 
 ters at first were universally paramount ; and he 
 
 * Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas 
 or Mohawk Indians. 1644. 
 VOL. I. 5 
 
46 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 
 
 terrifies himself with the idea that the earth must 
 be eventually washed away by the force of rain, 
 rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is confound- 
 ed with the ocean, or, in other words, absolutely 
 dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea! far surpass- 
 ing that of the tender hearted damsel of antiquity, 
 who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good 
 dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volu- 
 bility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed 
 to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine 
 ropes of onions, and actually run out at her eyes 
 before half the hideous task was accomplished. 
 
 Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who 
 rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longi- 
 tude, (for which the mischief-loving Swift dis- 
 charged on their heads a most savoury stanza,) 
 has distinguished himself by a very admirable 
 theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that 
 it was originally a chaotic comet, which being se- 
 lected for the abode of man, was removed from its 
 eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its 
 present regular motion ; by which change of di- 
 rection, order succeeded to confusion in the ar- 
 rangement of its component parts. The philo- 
 sopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an 
 uncourteous salute from the watery tail of 
 another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of 
 its improved condition : thus furnishing a melan- 
 choly proof that jealousy may prevail, even 
 among the heavenly bodies, and discord inter- 
 
CREATION OF THE WORLD. 47 
 
 rupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so 
 melodiously smig by the poets. 
 
 But I pavss over a variety of excellent theories, 
 among which are those of Burnet, and Wood- 
 ward, and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely that 
 my time will not suffer me<to give them the no- 
 tice they deserve — and shall conclude vnth that 
 of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned The- 
 ban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as 
 reason, and for good natured credulity as serious 
 research, and who has recommended himself 
 wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by 
 letting them into all the gallantries, amours, de- 
 baucheries, and other topics of scandal of the 
 court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy 
 of his combustible imagination. According to 
 his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sud- 
 den occasion to explode, like a barrel of gun- 
 powder, and in that act exploded the sun — w. ich 
 in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the 
 earth — which in like guise exploded the moon — 
 and thus by a concatenation of explosions, the 
 whole solar system was produced, and set most 
 systematically in motion !* 
 
 By the great variety of theories here alluded to, 
 every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will 
 be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts ; 
 my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to con- 
 clude, that th^ creation of a world is not so diffi- 
 
 Drw, Bot. Garden. Part I. Cant. i. 1. 1Q5. 
 
48 CREATION OP THE WORLD. 
 
 cult a task as they at first imagined. I have showTi 
 at least a score of ingenious methods in which a 
 vrorld could be constructed ; and I have no doubt, 
 that had any of the philosophers above quoted 
 the use of a good manageable comet, and the phi- 
 losophical ware-house chaos at his command, he 
 would engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, 
 if you would take his word for it, better than this 
 we inhabit. 
 
 And here I cannot help noticing the kindness 
 of Providence, in creating comets for the great re- 
 lief of bewildered philosophers. By their assist- 
 ance more sudden evolutions ^nd transitions are 
 effected in the system of nature than are wrought 
 in a pantomimic exhibition, by the wonder-work- 
 ing sword of Harlequin. Should one of our mo- 
 dern sages, in his tlieoretical flights among the 
 stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in 
 danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and 
 absurdity, he has but to seize acometby thebeard, 
 mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in 
 triumph, like an enchanter on his hyppogriff, or a 
 Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to sweep 
 the cobwebs out of the sky." 
 
 It is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar 
 on horseback," which I would not for the world 
 have applied to these reverend philosophers : but 
 I must confess, that some of them, when they are 
 mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild 
 in their curvettings as was Phaeton of yore, when 
 
CREATION OF THE WORLD. 49 
 
 he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One 
 drives bis comet at full speed against the sun, and 
 knocks the world out of him with the mighty con- 
 cussion; another, more moderate, makes his comet 
 a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a re- 
 gular supply of food and faggots — a third, of more 
 combustible disposition, threatens to throw his 
 comet, like a bombshell into the world, and blow 
 it up like a powder magazine ; while a fourth, 
 with no great delicacy to this planet, and its in- 
 habitants, insinuates that some day or other, his 
 comet — my modest pen blushes while I write it — 
 shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and de- 
 luge it with water ! — Surely, as I have already 
 observed, comets were bountifully provided by 
 Providence for the benefit of philosophers, to as- 
 sist them in manufacturing theories. 
 
 And now, having adduced several of the most 
 prominent theories that occur to my recollection, 
 I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to 
 choose among them. They are all serious specu- 
 lations of learned men — all diifer essentially from 
 each other — and all have the same title to belief. 
 It has ever been the task of one race of philoso- 
 phers to demolish the works of their predecessors, 
 and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, 
 which in their turn are demolished and replaced 
 by the air castles of a succeeding generation. 
 Thus it would seem that knowledge and ^T^enius, 
 of which we make such great parade, consist but 
 5* 
 
50 CREATION OF THE WORLD. 
 
 in detecting the errors and absurdities of those 
 who have gone before, and devising new errors 
 and absurdities, to be detected by those who are to 
 come after us. Theories are the mighty soap bub- 
 bles with which the grown up children of science 
 amuse themselves — while the honest vulgar stand 
 gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these 
 learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! — 
 Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that 
 philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, 
 busying themselves in things totally incompre- 
 hensible, or which, if they could be comprehend- 
 ed, would be found not worthy the trouble of 
 discovery. 
 
 For my own part, until the learned have come 
 to an agreement among themselves, I shall con- 
 tent myself with the account handed down to us 
 by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example 
 of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut ; who 
 at their first settlement proclaimed, that the co- 
 lony should be governed by the laws of God — 
 until they had time to make better. 
 
 One thing, however, appears certain — from the 
 unanimous authority of the before-quoted philo- 
 sophers, supported by the evidence of our own 
 ••enses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may 
 be cautiously admitted as additional testimony,) 
 it appears, 1 say, and 1 make the assertion dehbe- 
 rately, without fear of contradiction, that* this 
 globe really was created, and that it is composed 
 
CREATION OF THE WORLD. 51 
 
 of land and water. It farther appears that it is 
 curiously divided and parcelled out into conti- 
 nents and islands, among which I boldly declare 
 the renowned Island of New-York will be found 
 by any one who seeks for it in its proper place* 
 
52 HISTORY OF NOAM. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 How that famous navigator, Jsfoah, was shameful- 
 ly nick-named ; and how he committed an un- 
 pardo7iable oversight in not having four sons. 
 With the great trouble of philosophers caused 
 thereby, and the discovery of America. 
 
 Noah, who is the first sea-faring man we read 
 of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham,and Japhet. Au- 
 thors, it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that 
 the i)atriarch had a number of other children. 
 Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic 
 Titans, Methodius gives himasoncalled Jonithus, 
 or Jonicus, and others have mentioned ason, nam- 
 ed Thuiscon, from whom descended the Teutons 
 or Teutonic, or in other words, the Dutch nation. 
 
 I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan 
 will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity 
 of my readers, by investigating minutely the his- 
 tory of the great Noah. Indeed, such an under- 
 taking would be attended with more trouble than 
 many people would imagine ; for the good old pa- 
 triarch seems to have been a great traveller in his 
 day, and to have passed under a different name 
 in every country that he visited. The Cha\^eans, 
 for instance, give us his story, merely altering his 
 name into Xisuthrus — a trivial alteration, which. 
 
HIS VARIOUS NAMES. 53 
 
 to an historian skilled in etymologies, will appear 
 wholly unimportant. It appears likewise, that he 
 had exchanged his tarpawlin and quadrant among 
 the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of royal- 
 ty, and appears as a m^onarch in their annals. The 
 Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osi- 
 ris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek and Roman 
 writers confound him with Ogyges, and the The- 
 ban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, 
 who deservedly rank among the most extensive 
 and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have 
 known the world much longer than any one else, 
 declare that Noah was no other than Fohi ; and 
 what gives this assertion some air of credibility is, 
 that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened 
 literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time 
 of the building of the tower of Babel, (probably to 
 improve himself in the study of languages,) and 
 the learned Dr. Shackford gives us the additional 
 information, that the ark rested on a mountain on 
 the frontiers of China. 
 
 From this mass of rational conjectures and sage 
 hypotheses,many satisfactory deductions might be 
 drawn; but I shall content myself with the simple 
 fact stated in the Bible, viz. that Noah begat three 
 sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing 
 on what remote and obscure contingencies the 
 great aDairs of this world depend, and how events 
 the most distant, and to the common obser, er un- 
 connected, are inevitably consequent the one to 
 
54 UNCERTAINTY AS TO WHETHER 
 
 the other. It remains to the philosopher to disco- 
 ver these mvsterious affinities, and it is the proud- 
 est triumph of his skill, to detect and drag forth 
 some latent chain of causation, which at first sight 
 appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. 
 Thus many of my readers will doubtless wonder 
 what connexion the family of Noah can possibly 
 have with this history — and many will stare when 
 informed, that the whole history' of this quarter 
 of the world has taken its character and course 
 from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's 
 having but three sons — but to explain : 
 
 Noah, we are told by sundry very credible his- 
 torians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprie- 
 tor of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, 
 like a good father, portioned out his estate among 
 his children. To Shem he gave Asia 5 to Ham, 
 Africa; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is a thou- 
 sand times to be lamented that he had but three 
 sons, forbad there been a fourth, he would doubt- 
 less have inherited America ; which, of course, 
 would have been dragged forth from its obscurity 
 on the occasion ; and thus many a hard-workmg 
 historian and philosopher would have been spared 
 a prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting 
 the first discovery and population of this country. 
 Noah, however, having provided for his tliree 
 sons, looked in all probability upon our country 
 as mere w^ild unsettled land, and said nothing 
 about it; and to this unpardonable taciturnity of 
 
AMERICA WAS KNOWN TO NOAH. 55 
 
 the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that 
 America did not come into the world as early as 
 the other quarters of the globe. 
 
 It is true, some writers have vindicated him 
 from this misconduct towards posterity, and as- 
 serted that he really did discover America. Thus 
 it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French 
 writer, possessed of that ponderosity of thought, 
 and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his 
 nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah 
 peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old 
 patriarch himself, who still retained a passion for 
 the sea-faring life, superintended the transmigra- 
 tion. The pious and enlightened father, Charle- 
 voix, a French Jesuit, remarkcible for his aversion 
 to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, 
 is conclusively of the same opinion; nay, he goes 
 still farther, and decides upon the manner in 
 which the discovery was effected, which was by 
 sea, and undev the immediate direction of the 
 great Noah. " I have already observed," ex- 
 claims the good father, in a tone of becoming 
 hidignation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition 
 that the grand-children of Noah were not able to 
 penetrate into the new world, or that they never 
 thought of it. hi effect, I can see no reason that 
 can justify such a notion. Who can seriouslj 
 believe, that Noah and his immediate descend- 
 ants knew less than we do, and that the builder 
 and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a 
 
66 rORTBT-COMING LOG BOOK OF NOAH. 
 
 ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded 
 ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to 
 guard against, should be ignorant of, or should 
 not have communicated to his descendants the 
 art of saihng on the ocean ?" Therefore, they 
 did sail on the ocean^ — therefore, they sailed to 
 America — therefore, America was discovered by 
 Noah ! 
 
 Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which 
 is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, 
 being addressed to the faith, rather than the under- 
 standing, is iiatly opposed hy Hans de Laert, who 
 declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to 
 suppose that Noah ever entertained the thought 
 of discovering America; and as Hans is a Dutch 
 writer, I am inclined to believe he must have 
 been much better acquainted with the worthy crew 
 of the ark than his competitors, and of course pos- 
 sessed of more accurate sources of information. 
 It is astonishing how intimate historians do daily 
 become with the patriarchs and other great men 
 of antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, 
 and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and 
 familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, 
 I should not be surprised if some future writers 
 should gravely give us a picture of men and man- 
 ners as they existed before the flood, far more co- 
 pious and accurate than the Bible; and that, in the 
 course of another century, the log book of the good 
 Noah should be as current among historians, as 
 
MOW AMERICA WAS DISCOVERED. 57 
 
 the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned 
 history of Robinson Crusoe. 
 
 I shall not occupy my time by discussing the 
 huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures, 
 and probabilities respecting the first discovery of 
 this country, with which unhappyhistorians over- 
 load themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the 
 doubts of ail incredulous world. It is painful to 
 see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, 
 and sweating under an enormous burden, at the 
 verj'outsetof their works, which, on being opened, 
 turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of 
 straw. As, however.^ by unwearied assiduity, they 
 seem to have established the fact, to the satisfac- 
 tion of all the world, that this country has been 
 discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful la- 
 bours to be extremely brief upon this point. 
 
 I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether 
 America was first discovered by a wandering ves- 
 sel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, ac- 
 cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; 
 or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny, 
 the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary 
 Islands ; or whether it was settled by a temporary 
 colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Se- 
 neca. I shall neither inquire whether it was 
 first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with 
 great shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwe- 
 gians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the 
 German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured 
 
 VOL. I. 6 
 
58 
 
 to prove to the scavans of the learned city of 
 Philadelphia. 
 
 Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims 
 of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of prince 
 Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never 
 returned, it has since been wisely concluded that 
 he must have gone to America, and that for a 
 plain reason — if he did not go there, where else 
 could he have gone ? — a question which most so- 
 cratically shuts out all farther dispute. 
 
 Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures 
 above mentioned, with a multitude of others, 
 equally satisfactory, I shall take for granted the 
 vulgar opinion, that America was discovered on 
 the 12th of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, 
 a Genoese, who has been clumsily nick-named 
 Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. 
 Of the voyages and adventures of this Colon, I 
 shall say nothing, seeing that they are already suf- 
 ficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove 
 that this country should have been called Colonia, 
 after his name, that being notoriously self-evident. 
 
 Having thus happily got my readers on this side 
 of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all im- 
 patience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land 
 of promise, and in full expectation that I will im- 
 mediately dehver it into their possession. But if 
 I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regu- 
 lar bred historian ! No — no — ^most curious and 
 thrice learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are 
 
THE author's plan EXHIBITED 59 
 
 if ye have read all that has gone before, and nine 
 times learned shall ye be, if ye read that which 
 comes after,) Ave have yet a world of work before 
 us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair 
 quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go 
 on shore and find a country ready laid ou-t and 
 cultivated like a garden, wherein they might re- 
 \ el at their ease ? No such thing — they had fo- 
 rests to cut dow^n, underwood to grub up, marshes 
 to drain, and savages to exterminate. 
 
 In like manner, 1 have sundry doubts to clear 
 away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex- 
 plain, before I permit you to range at random ; 
 but these difficulties once overcome, we shall be 
 enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest 
 of our history. Thus my work shall, in a man- 
 ner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same 
 manner as the sound of poetry has been found 
 by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense — this 
 being an improvement in history, which I claim 
 the merit of having invented. 
 
•iO DIFFICULTIES RESPECTING 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have 
 had in peopling America — And how the Abo- 
 rigines came to be begotten by accident — to the 
 great relief and satisfaction of the Author, 
 
 The next inquiry at which we arrive in the re- 
 gular course of our history is to ascertain, if pos- 
 sible, how this country was originally peopled — a 
 point fruitful of incredible embarrassments ; for 
 unless we prove that the Aborigines did absolute- 
 ly come from some where, it will be immediately 
 asserted in this age of scepticism that they did 
 not come at all ; and if they did not come at all, 
 ihen was this country never populated — a con- 
 clusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, 
 but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of hu- 
 manity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically prove 
 fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this popu- 
 lous region. 
 
 To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from 
 logical annihilation so many millions of fellow 
 creatures, how many wings of geese have been 
 plundered! what oceans of ink have been benevo- 
 lently drained! and how many capacious heads of 
 learned historians have been addled, and for ever 
 confounded! I pause with reverential awe, when 
 
THE ABORIGINES OF AMERICA. 61 
 
 I contemplate the ponderous tomes, in difierent 
 languages, with which they have endeavoured to 
 solve this question, so important to the happiness 
 of society, but so involved in clouds of impene- 
 trable obscurity. Historian after historian has 
 engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical ar- 
 gument, and after leading us a weary chase through 
 octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the 
 end of his work just as wise as we were at the 
 beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical 
 wild goose chase of the kind that made the old 
 poet Macrobius rail in such a passion at curiosity, 
 which he anathematizes most heartily, as '^ an 
 irksome agonizing care, a superstitious industry 
 about unprofitable things, an itching humour to 
 see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what 
 signifies nothing when it is done." But to pro- 
 ceed : 
 
 Of the claims of the children of Noah to the ori- 
 ginal population of this country I shall say nothing, 
 as they have already been touched upon in my 
 last chapter. The claimants next in celebi'ity, 
 are the descendants of Abraham. Thus Christo- 
 yal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when he 
 first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, im- 
 mediately concluded, with a shrewdness that would 
 have done honour to a philosopher, that he had 
 found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon 
 procured the gold for embellishing the temple at 
 Jerusalem ; nay, Colon even imagined that he saw 
 6* 
 
62 OPINIONS OF AUTHORS RESPECTIN®^ 
 
 the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic con- 
 struction, employed in refining the precious ore. 
 
 So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fas- 
 cinatin^j; extravagance, was too tempting not to be 
 immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learn- 
 ing ; and accordingly, there were divers profound 
 writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to 
 bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise 
 surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus 
 and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be 
 more clear — Arius Montanus, without the least 
 hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, 
 and the Jews the early settlers of the country. 
 While Possevin, Becan, and several other saga- 
 cious writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the 
 fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted in the 
 mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of an arch, 
 gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 
 
 Scarce, however, have they completed their 
 goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx 
 of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet the great 
 Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles 
 the whole fabric about their ears. Hans, in fact, 
 contradicts outright all the Israehtish claims to 
 the first settlement of this country, attributing all 
 those equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christi- 
 anity and Judaism, which have been said to be 
 found in divers provinces of the new world, to 
 the Devil, who has always affected to counterfeit 
 the worship of the true Deity. " A remark," says 
 
tMB tmST PEOPLIN'G OF AMERICA. 63 
 
 the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, " made by all 
 good authors who have spoken of the religion of 
 nations newly discovered, and founded besides 
 on the authority of the father^ of the church.'^^ 
 
 Some writers again, among whom it is with 
 great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de 
 Gomara, and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Ca- 
 naanites, being driven from the land of promise 
 by the Jews, were seized with such a panic that 
 they fled without looking behind them, until stop- 
 ping to take breath, they found themselves safe 
 in America. As they brought neither their na- 
 tional language, manners, nor features with them, 
 it is supposed they left them behind in the hurry 
 of their flight — I cannot give my faith to tkis 
 opinion. 
 
 I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro- 
 tius, who being both an ambassador and a Dutch- 
 man to boot, is entitled to great respect ; that 
 North America was peopled by a strolling com- 
 pany of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded 
 by a col ony from China — Manco or Mango Capac , 
 the ftrst Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall 
 I more than barely mention, that father Kircher 
 ascribes the settlement of America to the Egyp- 
 tians, Rudbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to 
 the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from 
 Friesland, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus the 
 Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoe- 
 nicians, Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria 
 
64 OPINIONS ©F AUTHORS RESPECTING 
 
 to the Abyssinians, together with the sage sur- 
 mise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, and the 
 Orcades may contend for that honour. 
 
 Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit 
 to the idea that America is the fairy region of 
 Zipangri, described by that dreaming traveller, 
 Marco Polo, the Venetian ; or that it comprises 
 the visionary island of Atlantis, described by Pla- 
 to. Neither will I stop to investigate the hea- 
 thenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemis- 
 phere of the globe was originally furnished with 
 an Adam and Eve. Or the more flattering opi- 
 nion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many name- 
 les« authorities, that Adam was of the Indian race — 
 oiPthe starthng conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, 
 and Darwin, so highly honourable to mankind, 
 that the whole human species is accidentally de- 
 scended from a remarkable family of monkeys ! 
 
 This last conjecture, I must own, came upon 
 me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have 
 often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gaz- 
 ing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols 
 of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a sudden 
 stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders. 
 Little did I think at such times, that it would ever 
 fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, 
 and that while I was quietly beholding these grave 
 philosophers, emulating the eccentric transforma- 
 tions of the hero of pantomime, they would on a 
 sudden turn upon me and my readers, and with 
 
THE FIRST PEOPLING OF AMERICA. 65 
 
 one hypothetical flourish metamorphose us into 
 beasts ! I determined from that moment not to 
 burn my fingers with any more of their theories, 
 but content myself with detailing the different 
 methods by which they transported the descend- 
 ants of these ancient and respectable monkeys to 
 this great field of theoretical warfare. 
 
 This was done either by migrations by land or 
 transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph 
 D' Acosta enumerates three passages by land — first 
 by the north of Europe, secondly by the north of 
 Asia, and thirdly by regions southward of the 
 straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius marches 
 bis Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen 
 rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Green- 
 land, Estotiland and Naremberga : and various 
 writers, among whom are Angleria,DeHornn,and 
 Buffon, anxious for the accommodation of these 
 travellers, have fastened the two continents to- 
 gether by a strong chain of deductions — by which , 
 means they could pass over dry-shod. But should 
 even this fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gen- 
 tleman, who compiles books, and manufactures 
 Geographies, has constructed a natural bridge of 
 ice, from continent to continent, at the distance* 
 of four or five miles from Behring's straits — for 
 which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all 
 the wandering aborigines who ever did or ever 
 will pass over it. 
 
66 THE author's surprise. 
 
 It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of 
 the worthy writers above quoted could ever com- 
 mence his work, without immediately declaring 
 hostilities against every writer who had treated 
 of the same subject. In this particular, authors 
 may be compared to a certain sagacious bird, 
 which in building its nest, is sure to pull to pieces 
 the nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. 
 This unhappy propensity tends grievously to im- 
 pede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories 
 are at best but brittle productions, and when once 
 committed to the stream, they should take care 
 that hke the notable pots which were fellow-voya- 
 gers, they do not crack each other. 
 
 My chief surprise is, that among the many wri- 
 ters I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove 
 that this country was peopled from the moon — or 
 that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands 
 of ice, as white bears cruize about the northern 
 oceans — or that they were conveyed hither by bal- 
 loons, as modern aeronauts pass from Dover to 
 Calais — or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted 
 among the stars — or after the manner of the re- 
 nowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New-Eng- 
 land witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made 
 most unheard-of journeys on the back of a golden 
 arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo. 
 
 But there is still one mode left by which this 
 couiitry could have been peopled, which I have 
 reserved for the last, because I consider it wortk 
 
AMERICA PEOPLED BY ACCIDENT. 67 
 
 all the rest : it is — hy accident ! Speaking of the 
 islands of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Hol- 
 land, the profound father Charlevoix observes, 
 " in fine, all these countries are peopled, and it is 
 possible some have been so by accident. Now if 
 it could have happened in that manner, why might 
 it not have been at the same time, and by the same 
 means, with the other parts of the globe?" This 
 ingenious mode of deducing certain conclusions 
 from possible premises, is an improvement in syl- 
 logistic skill, and proves the good father superior 
 even to Archimedes, for he can turn the world 
 without^any thing to rest his lever upon. It is 
 only surpassed by the dexterity with which the 
 sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, cuts the gor- 
 dian knot — " Nothing" says he, " is more easy. 
 The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly 
 the descendants of the same father. The com- 
 mon father of mankind received an express order 
 from Heaven to people the world, and accord- 
 ingly it has been peopled. To bring this about, it 
 was necesssary to overcome all difficulties in the 
 way, and they have also been overcome /" Pious 
 logician ! How does he put all the herd of labo- 
 rious theorists to the blush, by explaining, in five 
 words, what it has cost them volumes to prove 
 they knew nothing about ! 
 
 From all the authorities here quoted, and a va- 
 riety of others which I have consulted, but which 
 are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearfi- 
 
SB THREE CERTAIN CONCLUSIONS. 
 
 ed reader — 1 can only draw the following conclu- 
 sions, which luckily, however-, are sufficient for my 
 purpose — First, that this part of the world has 
 aLXitndiWj been peopled J {Q,F„ D.) to support which 
 we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of 
 Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, that it has been 
 peopled in five hundred diiferent ways as proved 
 by a cloud of authors, who, from the positiveness 
 of their assertions, seem to have been eye-witnes- 
 ses to the fact — Thirdly, that the people of this 
 country had a variety of fathers, which, as it may 
 not be thought much to their credit by the com- 
 mon run of readers, the less we say on the iubject 
 the better. The question therefore, I trust, is for 
 ever at rest. 
 
A GIGANTIC QUESTION. 69 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In which the Author puts a mighty question to the 
 rout^ by the assistance of the Man in the Moon-— 
 which not only delivers thousands of people from 
 great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this 
 introductory book. 
 
 The writer of a history may, in some respects, 
 be likened unto an- adventurous knight, who hav- 
 ing undertaken a perilous enterprise, by way of 
 establishing his fame, feels bound in honour and 
 chivalry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hard- 
 ship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy 
 he may encounter. Under this impression, I re- 
 solutely draw my pen, and fall to, with might and 
 main, at those doughty questions and subtle para- 
 doxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, 
 beset the entrance to my history, and would fain 
 repulse me from the very threshold. And at this 
 moment a gigantic question has started up, which 
 I must needs take by the beard and utterly sub- 
 due, before I can advance another step in my his- 
 toric undertaking ; but I trust this will be the last 
 adversary I shall have to contend with, and that 
 in the next book I shall be enabled to conduct my 
 readers in triumph into the body of my work. 
 
 The question which has thus suddenly arisen, 
 is, what right had the first discoverers of America 
 
 VOL. I. 7 
 
70 RIGHTS GF THE DISCOVERERS. 
 
 to land and take possession of a country, without 
 first gaining the consent of its inhabitants, or 
 yielding them an adequate compensation for their 
 territory ? — a question which has withstood many 
 fierce assaults, and has given much distress of 
 mind to multitudes of kind-hearted folk. And 
 indeed, until it be totally vanquished, and put to 
 rest, the worthy people of America can by no 
 means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right 
 and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences. 
 
 The first source of right, by which property is 
 acquired in a country, is discovery. For as all 
 mankind have an equal right to any thing, which 
 has never before been appropriated, so any na- 
 tion, that discovers an uninhabited country, and 
 takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoy- 
 ing full property, and absolute, unquestionable 
 empire therein.* 
 
 This proposition being admitted, it follows 
 clearly, that the Europeans who first visited Ame- 
 rica, were the real discoverers of the same ; no- 
 thing being necessary to the establishment of this 
 fact, but simply to prove that it was totally unin- 
 habited by man. This would at first appear to be 
 a point of some difficulty, for it is well known, 
 that this quarter of the world abounded with cer- 
 tain animals, that walked erect on two feet, had 
 something of the human countenance, uttered cer- 
 
 * Grotins. PufFendorf, b. v. c. 4. Yattel, b. i. c. 10, &c. 
 
BARBARISM OF THE NATIVES. 71 
 
 lain unintelligible sounds, very much like lan- 
 guage, in short, had a marvellous resemblance to 
 human beings. But the zealous and enlightened 
 fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, for 
 the purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, 
 by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on 
 earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the 
 satisfaction of his holiness the pope, and of all 
 Christian vojagers and discoverers. 
 
 They plainly proved, and as there vfere no In- 
 dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was 
 considered as fully admitted and established, that 
 the two-legged race of animals before mentioned 
 were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and 
 many of them giants — which last description of 
 vagrants have, since the times of Gog, Magog, 
 and Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and 
 have received no quarter in either history, chi- 
 valry, or song. Indeed, even the philosopinc 
 Bacon declared the Americans to be people pro- 
 scribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they 
 had a barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and 
 feeding upon man's flesh. 
 
 Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar- 
 barism: among many otherwriters of discernment, 
 Ulloa tells us '' their imbecility is so visible, that 
 one can hardly form an idea of them different 
 from what one has of the brutes. Nothing dis- 
 turbs the tranquilhty of their souls, equally insen- 
 sible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half 
 
72 THEIR WANT OF AMBITION. 
 
 naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his 
 most splendid array. Fear makes no impression 
 on them, and respect as httle." All this is fur- 
 thermore supported hy the authority of M. Bou- 
 guer. " It is not easy^" says he, " to describe 
 the degree of their indifference for wealth and all 
 its advantages. One does not well know what 
 motives to propose to them when one would per- 
 suade them to any service. It is vain to offer 
 them money ; they answer that they are not hun- 
 gry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring 
 us that " ambition they have none, and are more 
 desirous of being thought strong than valiant. 
 The objects of ambition with us — honour, fame, 
 reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions, are un 
 known among them. So that this powerful spring 
 of action, the cause of so much ^^emm^ good and 
 real evil in the world, has no power over them, 
 hi a word, these unhappy mortals may be com- 
 pared to children, in whom the development of 
 reason is not completed." 
 
 Now ail these peculiarities, although in the un- 
 enlightened states of Greece they would have en- 
 titled their possessors to immortal honour, as hav- 
 ing reduced to practice those rigid and abstemious 
 maxims, the mere talking about which acquired 
 certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and 
 pliilosophers ; — yet, were they clearly proved in 
 the present instance to betoken a most abject and 
 brutified nature, totally beneath the human cha- 
 
TrtE ABORIGINES MERE WILD BEASTS. 73 
 
 racter. But the benevolent fathers, who had un- 
 dertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb 
 beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still strong- 
 er proofs ; for as certain divines of the sixteenth 
 century, and among the rest Lullus, affirm — the 
 Americans go naked, and have no beards ! — 
 *• They have nothing," says Lullus, " of the rea- 
 sonable animal, except the mask." — And even 
 that mask was allowed to avail them but little, 
 for it was soon found that they were of a hideous 
 copper complexion — and being of a copper com- 
 plexion, it was all the same as if they were negroes 
 — and negroes are black, " and black," said the 
 pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, " is 
 the colour of the Devil !" Therefore, so far 
 from being able to own property, they had no 
 right even to personal freedom— ^for liberty is too 
 radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. 
 All which circumstances plainly convinced the 
 righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro, that 
 these miscreants had no title to the soil that they 
 infested — that they were a perverse, illiterate, 
 dumb, beardless, black-seed — mere wild beasts 
 of the forests, and like them should either be sub- 
 dued or exterminated. 
 
 From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and 
 a variety of others equally conclusive, which I 
 forbear to enumerate, it is clearly evident that 
 this fair quarter of the globe when first visited by 
 Europeans, was a howhng wilderness, inhabited 
 7* 
 
74 RIGHT OF DISCOVERV. 
 
 bj nothing but wild beasts ; and that the trans- 
 atlantic visiters acquired an incontrovertible pro- 
 perty therein, by the right of discovery. 
 
 This right being fully established, we now come 
 to the next, which is the right acquired by culti- 
 zaiion, " The cultivation of the soil," we are 
 told, ''is an obligation imposed by nature on man- 
 '' kind. The whole world is appointed for the 
 -" nourishment of its inhabitants : but it would be 
 " incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Eve- 
 '• ry nation is then obliged by the law of nature 
 " to cultivate the ground that has fallen to its 
 '' share. Those people, like the ancient Germans 
 " and modern Tartars, who, having fertile coun- 
 " tries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose 
 '•' to live by rapine, are wanting to themselves, 
 " and deserve to be exterminated as savage and 
 *'* pernicious beasts,^^* 
 
 Now it is notorious, that the savages knew no- 
 thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the 
 Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorder- 
 ly, unrighteous hfe, — rambhng from place to 
 place, and prodigally rioting upon the spontane- 
 ous luxuries of nature, without tasking her gene- 
 rosity to yield them any thing more ; whereas it 
 has been most unquestionably shown, that heaven 
 intended the earth should be ploughed and sown, 
 and manured, and laid out into cities, and towns, 
 and farms, and country seats, and pleasure 
 
 ^^ Vattel, b.i.ch. 17. 
 
RIGHT OF CULTIVATION. iO 
 
 grounds, and public gardens, all which the In- 
 dians knew nothing about — therefore, they did 
 not improve the talents Providence had bestowed 
 on them — therefore, they were careless stewards 
 — therefore, they had no right to the soil — there- 
 fore, they deserved to be exterminated. 
 
 It is true, the savages might plead that thej 
 drew all the benefits from the land which their 
 simple wants required- — they found plenty of 
 game to hunt, which, together with the roots and 
 uncultivated fruits of the earth, furnished a suf- 
 ficient variety for their frugal repasts ; — and that 
 as heaven merely designed the earth to form the 
 abode, and satisfy the wants of man ; so long as 
 those purposes were answered, the will of hea- 
 ven was accomplished. — But this only proves 
 how undeserving they were of the blessings 
 around them — they were so much the more sa- 
 vages, for not having more wants ; for knowledge 
 is in some degree an increase of desires, and it is 
 this superiority both in the number and magnitude 
 of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the 
 beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having more 
 wants, were very unreasonable animals ; and it 
 was but just that they should make way for the Eu- 
 ropeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, 
 and, therefore, would turn the earth to more ac- ' 
 count, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfd the 
 will of heaven. Besides — Grotius and Lautcr- 
 bach, and Puffendorif, and Titius, and many wise 
 
76 SAVAGES HAVE NO RIGHTS. 
 
 men beside, who have considered the matter pro- 
 perly, have determined, that the property of a 
 country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting 
 wood, or drawing water in it — nothing but precise 
 demarcation of Hmits, and the' intention of culti- 
 vation, can establish the possession. Now as the 
 savages (probably from never having read the au- 
 thors above quoted) had never complied with any 
 of these necessary forms, it plainly followed that 
 they had no right to the soil, but that it was com- 
 pletely at the disposal of the first comers, who had 
 more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant, 
 that is to say, artificial desires than themselves. 
 
 In entering upon a newly discovered, unculti- 
 vated country, therefore, the new comers were 
 but taking possession of what, according to the 
 aforesaid doctrine, was their own property — 
 therefore, in opposing them, the savages were in- 
 vading their just rights, infringing the immutable 
 laws of nature, and counteracting the will of hea- 
 ven — therefore, they were guilty of impiety, bur- 
 glary, and tresspass on the case, — therefore, thej 
 were hardened offenders against God and man — 
 therefore, they ought to be exterminated. 
 
 But a more irresistible right than either that I 
 have mentioned, and one which will be the most 
 readily admitted by my reader, provided he be 
 blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, 
 is the right acquired by civilization. All the world 
 knows the lamentable state in which these poor 
 
BLESSINGS CONFERRED ON THEM. 7? 
 
 savages were found. Not only deficient in the 
 comforts of life, but what is still worse, most pite- 
 ously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of 
 their situation. But no sooner did the benevolent 
 inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition 
 than they immediately went to work to ameliorate 
 and improve it. They introduced among them 
 rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life — 
 and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor 
 savages learn to estimate these blessings — they 
 likewise made known It) them a thousand reme- 
 dies, by which the most inveterate diseases are al- 
 leviated and healed; and that they might compre- 
 hend the benefits and enjoy the comforts of these 
 medicines, they previously introduced among 
 them the diseases which they were calculated to 
 cure. By these and a variety of other methods 
 was the condition of these poor savages wonder- 
 fully improved ; they acquired a thousand wants, 
 of which they had before been ignorant ; and as he 
 has most sources of happiness who has most wants 
 to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a 
 much happier race of beings. 
 
 But the most important branch of civihzation, 
 and which has most strenuously been extolled by 
 the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish 
 Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. 
 It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror, 
 to behold these savages stumbling among the 
 dark njountains of paganism, and guilty of the 
 
78 THEIR WANT OF RELIGION ; 
 
 most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, 
 they neither stole nor defrauded; they were sober, 
 frugal, continent, and faithful to their word \ but 
 though they acted right habitually, it w^as all in 
 yain, unless they acted so from precept. The new 
 comers, therefore, used every method to induce 
 them to embrace and practise the true religion — 
 except indeed that of setting them the example. 
 
 But notw ithstanding all these complicated la- 
 bours for their good, such w^as the unparalleled 
 obstinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they 
 ungratefully refused to acknow^ledge the strangers 
 as their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving 
 the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate; most 
 insolently alleging, that from their conduct, the 
 advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe 
 in it themselves. Was not this too much for hu- 
 man patience? — would not one suppose that the 
 benign visitants from Europe, provoked at their 
 incredulity, and discouraged by their stiff-necked 
 obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their 
 shores, and consigned them to their original ig- 
 norance and misery? — But no — so zealous were 
 they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal 
 salvation of these pagan infidels, that they even 
 proceeded from the milder means of persuasion, 
 to the more painful and troublesome one of per- 
 secution — let loose among them whole troops of 
 fiery monks and furious bloodhounds — purified 
 them by fire and sw^ord, by stake and -faggot ; 
 
AND HOW PURIFIED. 79 
 
 in consequence of which indefatigable measures 
 the cause of Christian love and charity was so 
 rapidly advanced, that in a very few years not 
 one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in 
 South America that were found there at the time 
 of its discovery. 
 
 What stronger right need the European set- 
 tlers advance to the country than this ? Have 
 not whole nations of uninformed savages been 
 made acquainted with a thousand imperious wants 
 and indispensable comforts, of which they were 
 before wholly ignorant. — Have they not been lite- 
 rally hunted and smoked out of the dens and 
 lurking places of ignorance and infidelity, and 
 absolutely scourged into the right path ? Have 
 not the temporal things, the vain baubles and fil- 
 thy lucre of this world, which were too apt to en- 
 gage their worldl}'^ and selfish thoughts, been be- 
 nevolently taken from them ! and have they not, 
 instead thereof, been taught to set their affections 
 on things above ? — And finally, to use the words 
 of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his 
 superior in Spain — " Can any one have the pre- 
 sumption to say that these savage Pagans have 
 yielded any thing more than an inconsiderable 
 recompense to their benefactors; in surrender- 
 ing to them a httle pitiful tract of this dirty 
 sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious in- 
 heritance in thetoigdom of Heaven !" 
 
to RIGHT BY GUNPOWDER. 
 
 Here then are three complete and undeniable 
 sources of right estabhshed, any one of which 
 was more than ample to establish a property in 
 the newly discovered regions of America. Now, 
 so it has happened in certain parts of this delight- 
 ful quarter of the globe, that the right of disco- 
 very has been so strenuously asserted — the influ- 
 ence of cultivation so industriously extended, and 
 the progress of salvation and civilization so zea- 
 lously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant 
 wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases and other 
 partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great 
 benefits — the savage aborigines have, somehow or 
 another, been utterly annihilated — and this all at 
 once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth 
 all the others put together — For the original clai- 
 mants to the soil being all dead and buried, and 
 no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, 
 the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, 
 entered upon the possession as clearly as the hang- 
 man succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor — 
 and as they have Blackstone,* and all the learned 
 expounders of the law on their side, they may set 
 all actions of ejectment at defiance — and this last 
 right may be entitled the right by extermina- 
 tion, or in other words, the RIGHT BYGUNPOWDER. 
 But lest any scruples of conscience should re- 
 main on this head, and to settle the question of 
 
 *B1. Com. b. ii. c. 1. 
 
EUROPEANS ENTITLED TO THE SOIL. 81 
 
 right for ever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI. 
 issued a bull, by which he generously granted the 
 newly discovered quarter of the globe to the Span- 
 iards and Portuguese ; who, thus having law and 
 gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great 
 spiritual zeal, showed the Pagan savages neither 
 favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of 
 discovery, colonization, civilization, and exter- 
 mination, with ten times more fury than ever. 
 
 Thus were the European worthies who first 
 discovered America clearly entitled to the soil ; 
 and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to 
 the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for 
 having come so far, endured so many perils by 
 bea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for 
 no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, un- 
 civilized, and heathenish condition — for having 
 made them acquainted with the comforts of life; 
 for having introduced among them the light of re- 
 ligion, and finally — for having hurried them out 
 of the world, to enjoy its reward ! 
 
 But as argument is never so well understood 
 by us selfish mortals as when it comes home to 
 ourselves, and as I am particularly anxious that 
 this question should be put to rest for ever, I will 
 suppose a parallel case, by way of arousing the 
 candid attention of my readers. 
 
 Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the 
 moon, ])y astonishing advancement in science, and 
 by profound insight into that lunar philosophy. 
 
 VOL. N 8 
 
82 EXPEDITION PROM THE MOON. 
 
 the mere flickerings of which have of late years 
 dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the shallow 
 brains of the good people of our globe — let us 
 suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, 
 by these means, had arrived at such a command 
 of their energies, such an enviable state oiperfec- 
 tibiliti/, as to controul the elements, and navigate 
 the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose 
 a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in 
 the course of an aerial voyage of discovery among 
 the stars, should chance to alight upon this out- 
 landish planet. 
 
 And here I beg my readers will not have the 
 uncharitableness to smile, as is too frequently 
 the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the 
 grave speculations of philosophers. I am far from 
 indulging in any sportive vein at present ; nor is 
 the supposition I have been making so wild as 
 many may deem it. It has long been a very se- 
 rious and anxious question with me, and many a 
 time and oft, in the course of my overwhelming 
 cares and contrivances for the welfare and pro- 
 tection of this my native planet, have I lain awake 
 whole nights debating in my mind, whether it 
 were most probable we should first discover and 
 civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civil- 
 ize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sail- 
 ing in the air and cruising among the stars be a 
 whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to 
 us, than was the European mystery of navigating 
 
NOT A WILD SUPPOSITION. 83 
 
 floating castles, through the world of waters, to 
 the simple savages. We have already discovered 
 the art of coasting along the aerial shores of our 
 planet, hy means of balloons, as the savages had 
 of venturing along their sea coasts in canoes ; and 
 the disparity between the former, and the aerial 
 vehicles of the philosophers from the moon, might 
 not be greater than that between the bark canoes 
 of the savages, and the mighty ships of their dis- 
 coverers. I might here pursue an endless chain 
 of similar speculations ; but as they would be un- 
 important to my subject, I abandon them to my 
 reader, particularly if he be a philosopher, as mat- 
 ters well worthy of his attentive consideration. 
 
 To return then to my supposition — let us sup- 
 pose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, 
 possessed of vastly superior knowledge to our- 
 selves ; that is to say, possessed of superior know- 
 ledge in the art of extermination — riding on Hjp- 
 pogriffs — defended with impenetrable armour — 
 armed with concentrated sun-beams, and provided 
 with vast engines, to hurl enormous moon stones : 
 in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity will 
 permit the supposition, as superior to us in know- 
 ledge, and consequently in power, as the Euro- 
 peans were to the Indians, when they first disco- 
 vered them. All this is very possible ; it is only 
 our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise; 
 and I warrant the poor savages, before they had 
 any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the 
 
$4 PROGRESS OF THE EXPEDITIOJT. 
 
 terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gun- 
 powder, were as perfectly convinced that they 
 themselves were the wisest, the most virtuous, 
 powerful, and perfect of created heings, as are, 
 at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of 
 old England, the volatile populace of France, or 
 even the self satisfied citizens of this most enlight- 
 ened republic. 
 
 Let ussuppose, moreover, that the aerial voya- 
 gers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howl- 
 ing wilderness, inhabited by us, poor savages and 
 wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in 
 the name of his most gracious and philosophic 
 excellency, the man in the moon. Finding, how- 
 ever, that their numibers are incompetent to hold 
 it ia complete subjection, on account of the fero- 
 cious barbarity of its inhabitants; they shall take 
 our worthy President, the King of England, the 
 Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and the 
 great King of Bantam, and returning to their na- 
 tive planet, shall carry them to court, as were the 
 Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts 
 of Europe. 
 
 Then making such obeisance as the etiquette 
 of the court requires, they shall address the puis- 
 sant man in the moon, in, as near as I can con- 
 jecture, the following terms : 
 
 " Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose do- 
 minions extend as far as eye can reach, who ri* 
 
ADDRESS TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 85 
 
 deth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a look- 
 ing-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled controul over 
 tides, madmen, and sea crabs. We thy liege sub- 
 jects have just returned from a voyage of disco- 
 very, in the course of which we have landed and 
 taken possession of that obscure httle dirty planet, 
 which thou beholdest rolhng at a distance. The 
 five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into 
 this august presence, were once very important 
 chiefs among their fellow savages, who are a race 
 of beings totally destitute of the common attributes 
 of humanity ; and differing in every thing from 
 the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch as they 
 carry their heads upqp their shoulders, instead 
 of under their arms — have two eyes instead of 
 one — are utterly destitute of tails, and of a varie- 
 ty of unseemly complexions, particularly of a 
 horrible whiteness — instead of pea green. 
 
 " We have moreover found these miserable sa- 
 vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance 
 and depravity, every man shamelessly living with 
 his own wife, and rearing his own children, in- 
 stead of indulging in that community of wives 
 enjoined byihe law of nature, as expounded by 
 the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they 
 have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among 
 them, but are, in fact, utterheretics, ignoramuses, 
 and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, 
 on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, 
 8* 
 
86 ADDRESS TO THE MAN IN THE MOON. 
 
 we have endeavoured, while we remained on their 
 planet, to introduce among them the light of rea- 
 son—and the comforts of the moon. We have 
 treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and 
 draughts of nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed 
 with incredible voracity, particularly the females; 
 and we have likewise endeavoured to instil into 
 them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We have 
 insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible 
 shackles of religion and common sense, and ado- 
 ring the profound, omnipotent, and all perfect ener- 
 gy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable per- 
 fection. But such was the unparalleled obstinacy 
 of these wretched savagesf that they persisted in 
 cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their re- 
 ligion, and absolutely set at nought the sublime 
 doctrines of the moon — nay, among other abomi- 
 nable heresies, they even went so far as blasphe- 
 mously to declare, that this ineffable planet was 
 made of nothing more norless than green cheese!'^ 
 At these words, the great man in the moon (be- 
 ing a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a 
 terrible passion, and possessing equal authority 
 over things that do not belong to him, as did whi- 
 lome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith issue a 
 formidable bull, specifying, " That, whereas a 
 certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered, 
 and taken possession of a newly discovered planet 
 tailed the earth — and that whereas it is inhabited 
 
THE MAN IN THE MOOn's BULL. 87 
 
 hy none but a race of two legged animals that' 
 carry their heads on their shoulders instead of 
 under their arms; cannot talk the lunatic lan- 
 guage ; have two eyes instead of one ; are desti- 
 tute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead 
 of pea green — therefore, and for a variety of 
 other excellent reasons, they are considered in- 
 capable of possessing any property in the planet 
 they infest, and the right and title to it are con- 
 firmed to its original discoverers. — And further- 
 more, the colonists who are now about to depart 
 to the aforesaid planet are authorized and com- 
 manded to use every means to convert these infi- 
 del savages from the darkness of Christianity, 
 and make them thorough and absolute lunatics." 
 In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi- 
 losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. 
 The}^ seize upon our fertile territories, scourge us 
 from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our 
 wives, and when we are unreasonable enough to 
 complain, they will turn upon us and say. Mise- 
 rable barbarians! ungrateful wretches! have we 
 not come thousands of miles to improve your 
 worthless planet! have we not fed you with moon- 
 shine ; have we not intoxicated you with nitrous 
 oxyde ; does not our moon give you hght every 
 night, and have you the baseness to murmur, when 
 we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits ? 
 But finding that we not only persist in absolute 
 
88 RIGHT OF THE EARLY COLONISTS. 
 
 contempt of their reasoning and disbelief in their 
 philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to de- 
 fend our property, their patience shall be exhaust- 
 ed, and they shall resort to their superior powers 
 of argument ; hunt us with hippogriffs, transfix us 
 with concentrated sun-beams, demolish our cities 
 with moon stones ; until having, by main force, 
 converted us to the true faith, they shall gracious- 
 ly permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Ara- 
 bia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to en- 
 joy the blessings of civilization and the charms 
 of lunar philosophy, in much the same manner 
 as the reformed and enhghtened savages of this 
 country are kindly sutfered to inhabit the inhos- 
 pitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable 
 wildernesses of South America. 
 
 Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strik- 
 ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists 
 to the possession of this country ; and thus is this 
 gigantic question completely vanquished : so hav- 
 ing manfully surmounted all obstacles, and sub- 
 dued all opposition, what remains but that: I 
 should forthwith conduct my readers into the city 
 which we have been so long in a manner besieg- 
 ing ? But hold ; before 1 proceed another step, I 
 must pause to take breath, and recover from the 
 excessive fatigue I have undergone, in preparing 
 to begin this most accurate of histories. And in 
 this I do but imitate the example of a renowned 
 
RENOWNED DUTCH TUMBLER. S9 
 
 Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start of 
 three miles for the purpose of jumping over a hill, 
 but having run himself out of breath by the time 
 he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for 
 a few moments to blow, and then walked over it 
 at his leisure. 
 
BOOK II. 
 
 TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE I'RO- 
 VINCE OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In which are contained divers reasons why a man 
 should not write in a hurry, Also, of Master 
 Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange 
 country — and how he was magnificently re- 
 warded by the munificence of their High Mighti' 
 nesses. 
 
 My great grandfather, by the mother's side, 
 Hermanus Van Clattercop, when employed to 
 build the large stone church at Rotterdam, which 
 stands about three hundred yards to your left 
 after you turn off from the Boomkeys, and which 
 is so conveniently constructed, that all the zealous 
 Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through 
 a sermon there to any other church in the city — 
 my great grandfather, I say, when employed to 
 build tiiat farnoas church, did in the first place 
 send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then having 
 
HOW HE BUILT A CHURCH. Si 
 
 purchased a new spitting box ai^dahundred weight 
 of the best Virginia, he sat himself down, and did 
 nothing for the space of three months but smoke 
 most laboriously. Then did he spend full three 
 months more in trudging on foot, and voyaging 
 in trekschuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — 
 to Delft — to Haerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, 
 knocking his head and breaking his pipe against 
 every church in his road. Then did he advance 
 gradually nearer and nearer to Rotlerdam, until 
 he came in full sight of the identical spot where- 
 on the church Avas to be built. Then did he spend 
 three months longer in walking round it and round 
 it, contemplating it, first from one point of view, 
 and then from another — now would he be paddled 
 by it on the canal — now would he peep at it 
 through a telescope, from the other side of the 
 Meuse,and now would he take a bird's-eye glance 
 at it, from the top of one of those gigantic wind 
 mills which protect the gates of the city. The 
 good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of ex- 
 pectation and impatience — notwithstanding all 
 the turmoil of my great grandfather, not a symp- 
 tom of the church was yet to be seen ; they even 
 began to fear it would never be brought into the 
 world, but that its great projector would lie down 
 and die in labour of the mighty plan he had con- 
 ceived. At length, having occupied twelve good 
 months in puffing and paddling, and talking and 
 walking — having travelled over all Holland, and 
 
92 HIS EXAMPLE FOLLOWEB* 
 
 even taken a peep into France and Germanj— 
 having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes, 
 and three hundred weight of the best Virginia 
 tobacco — my great grandfather gathered together 
 all that knowing and industrious class of citizens 
 who prefer attendmg to any body's business soon- 
 er than their own, and having pulled off his coat 
 and five pair of breeches, he advanced sturdily 
 up, and laid the corner stone of the church, in 
 the presence of the whole multitude — -just at the 
 commenceriieiit of the thirteenth month. 
 
 In a similar manner, and with the example of 
 my worthy ancestor full before my eyes, have I 
 proceeded in writing this most authentic history. 
 The honest Rotterdamers no doubt thought my 
 grest grandfather was doing nothing at all to the 
 purpose, while he was making such a world of 
 prefatory bustfce, about the building of his church 
 — and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this 
 fair city will unquestionably suppose that all the 
 preliminary chapters, with the discovery, popula- 
 tion, and final settlement of America, were total- 
 ly irrelevaiit and superiluous — and that the main 
 business, the history of New-York, is not a jot 
 more advanced, than if 1 had never taken up my 
 pen. Never were wise people more mistaken in 
 their conjectures ; in conseqnence of going to work 
 slowlf^ and deliberately, the church came out of 
 my grandfather's hands one of the most sump- 
 tuous, goodly, and glorious edifices in the known 
 
HENDtlICK HUDSON DESCRIBED. 93 
 
 world — excepting that, like our magnificent capi- 
 tol, at Washington, it was begun on so grand a 
 scale that the good folks could not afford to finish 
 more than the wing of it. So, Ukewise, I trust, if 
 ever I am able to finish this work on the plan 
 I have commenced, (of which, in simple truth, I 
 sometimes have my doubts,) it will be found that 
 I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as ex- 
 emplified in the writings of all the great Ameri- 
 can historians, and wrout;ht a very large history 
 out of a small subject — which, now a-days, is con- 
 sidered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. 
 To proceed, then, with the thread of my story. 
 
 In the ever memorable year of our Lord, 1 C09, 
 on a Saturday morning, the five-and-twentieth 
 day of March, old style, did that " worthy and 
 irrecoverable discoverer, (as he has justly been 
 called,) Master Henry Hudson,"^^et sail from 
 Holland in a stout vessel called the Half Moon, 
 being employed by the Dutch East India Compa- 
 ny, to seek a north-west passage to China. 
 
 Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, 
 Hendrick) Hudson, was a sea-faring man of re- 
 nown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under 
 Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the 
 first to introduce it into Holland, which gained 
 him much popularity in that country, and caused 
 him to find great favour in the eyes of their High 
 Mightinesses, the lords states gereral, ai;d also 
 of the honourable West India Company. He was 
 
 VOL. I. 9 
 
94 ROBERT JUET ; HIS MATE ; 
 
 a short, square, brawny old geatleman, with a 
 double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper 
 nose, which was supposed in those days to have 
 acquired its fiery hue from the constant neigh- 
 bourhood of his tobacco pipe. 
 
 He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a 
 leathern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on 
 one side of his head. He was remarkable for 
 always jerking up his breeches when he gave out 
 his orders, and his voice sounded not unhke the 
 brattling of a tin trumpet — owing to the number 
 of hard north- westers which he had swallowed 
 in the course of his sea-faring. 
 
 Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have 
 heard so much, and know so little : and I have 
 been thus particular in his description for the 
 benefit of modern painters and statuaries, that 
 they may represent him as^e was; and not, ac- 
 cording to their common custom with modern 
 heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus 
 Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvidere. 
 
 As chief mate and favourite companion, the com- 
 modore chose master Robert J uet, of Limehouse, 
 in England. By some his name has been spelled, 
 Chewit, and ascribed to the circumstance of his 
 having been the first man that ever chewed tobac- 
 co ; but this I believe to be a mere flippancy; more 
 especially as certain of his progeny are living at 
 this day, who write their names J uet. He was an 
 old comrade and early schoolmate of the great 
 
HIS JOURNAL. 95 
 
 Hudson, with whom he had often played truant 
 and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring pond,Avhen 
 they were httie boys — from whence it is said the 
 commodore first derived his bias towards a sea- 
 faring hfe. Certain it is, that the old people about 
 Limehouse declared Robert Juct to be an unlucky 
 urchiii, prone to mischief, that would one day or 
 other come to the gallows. 
 
 He grew up as boys of that kind often grov/ up, 
 a rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all 
 quarters of the world — meeting with more perils 
 and wonders than did Sinbad tlie Sailor, without 
 growing a whit more wise, prudent, or iil-natiired. 
 Under every misfortune, he comforted himself 
 with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic 
 maxim, that " it will be all the same thing a hun- 
 dred years hence." He was skilled in the art of 
 carving anchors and true lovers' knots on the bulk 
 heads and quarter railings, and was considered a 
 great wit on board ship, in consequence of his 
 playing pranks on every body around, and now 
 and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick, 
 when his back was turned. 
 
 To this universal genius are we indebted for 
 many particulars concerning this voyage; of which 
 he wrote a history, at the request of the commo- 
 dore, who had an unconquerable aversion to wri- 
 ting himself, from having received so many flog* 
 gings about it when at school. To supply the 
 deficiencies of master Juet's journal, which h 
 
!iU OCCURRENCES DURING 
 
 written with true log-book brevity, I have availed 
 myself of divers family traditions, handed down 
 from my great great grandfather, v\^ho accompa- 
 nied the expedition in the capacity of cabin boy. 
 
 From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy 
 of remark happened in the voyage ; and it morti- 
 fies me exceedingly that I have to admit so noted 
 an expedition into my w^ork, without making any 
 more of it. 
 
 Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and 
 tranquil — the crew, being a patient people, much 
 given to slumber and vacuity, and but little trou- 
 bled wdth the disease of thinking — a malady of the 
 mind, which is the sure breeder of discontent. 
 Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour 
 crout, and every man was allow^ed to sleep quiet- 
 ly at his post unless the wind blew. True it is, 
 some slight dissatisfaction was shown on two or 
 three occasions, at certain unreasonable conduct 
 of Commodore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he 
 forbore to shorten sail when the wind was light, 
 and the weather serene, which was considered 
 among the most experienced Dutch seamen, as 
 certain zveather breeders, or prognostics, that the 
 w^eather would change for the worse. He acted, 
 moreover, in direct contradiction- to that ancient 
 and sage rule of the Dutch navigators, w^ho always 
 took in sail at night — put the helm a-port, and 
 turned in — by which precaution they had a good 
 night's rest— were sure of knowing where they 
 
THE VOYAGE. 97 
 
 were the next morning, and stood but little chance 
 of running down a continent in the dark. He like- 
 wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more 
 than five jackets and six pair of breeches, under 
 pretence of rendering them more alert ; and no 
 man was permitted to go aloft, and hand in sails 
 with a pipe inhis mouth, as is the invariable Dutch 
 custom at the present day. All these grievances, 
 though they might ruffle for a moment the con- 
 stitutional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, 
 made but transient impression ; they eat hugely, 
 drank profusely, and slept immeasurably, and be- 
 ing under the especial guidance of Providence, the 
 ship was safely conducted to the coast of America; 
 where, after sundry unimportant touchings and 
 standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth 
 day of September, entered that majestic bay, 
 which at this day expands its ample bosom before 
 the city of New- York, and which had never be- 
 fore been visited by any European.* 
 
 * True it is — and I am not ignorant of the fact, that in 
 a certain aprocrjphal book of voyag-es, compiled by one 
 Hakluyt, is to be found a letter written to I'rancis the First, 
 by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani, on which some wri- 
 ters are inclined to found a belief that this delig-htful bay 
 had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage 
 of the enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met 
 with the countenance of certain very judicious and learn- 
 ed men) I hold in utter disbelief, and that for vari6us good 
 and substantial reasons : Firsts Because on strict exami- 
 nation it will be found, that the description given by this 
 9* 
 
91J 
 
 DISCOVERY or A 
 
 It has been traditionary in our family, that when 
 the great navigator was first blessed with a view 
 of this enchanting island, he was observed, for the 
 first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong 
 symptoms of astonishment and admiration. He is 
 said to have turned to master J net, and uttered 
 these remarkable words, while he pointed towards 
 this paradise of the new world — "See! there!" — 
 and thereupon, as was always his way when he 
 was uncommonly pleased, he did pulf out such 
 clouds of dense tobacco smoke, that in one minute 
 
 Verezzani applies about as well to the bay of New-York 
 as it does to my night cap. Secondly^ Because that this 
 John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a most 
 bitter enmity, is a native of Florence ; and every body 
 knows the crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which 
 they filched away the laurels from the brows of the im- 
 mortal Colon, (vulgarly called Columbus,) and bestowed 
 them on their officious townsman, Amerigo Vespucci ; and 
 I make no doubt they are equally ready to r*)b the illus- 
 trious Hudson of the credit of discovering this beautiful 
 island, adorned by the city of New-York, and placing it 
 beside their usurped discovery of South America. And, 
 thirdly^ I award my decision in favour of the pretensions 
 of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed 
 from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch enter- 
 prise — and though all the proofs in the world were intro- 
 duced on the other side, I would set them at nought, as un- 
 deserving my attention. If these tliree reasons be not 
 sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city — all 
 I can say is, they are degenerate descendants from their 
 venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trou- 
 ble of convincing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick 
 Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated. 
 
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRV. 99 
 
 the vessel was out of sight of land, and master 
 Juet was fain to wait until the winds dispersed 
 this impenetrable fog. 
 
 It was indeed — as my great great grandfather 
 used to say — though in truth I never heard him, 
 for he died, as might be expected, before I was 
 born — " it was indeed a spot on siwhich the eye 
 might have revelled for ever, in ever new and 
 never ending beauties." The island of Manna- 
 hata spread wide before them, like some sweet 
 vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industri- 
 ous magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled gen- 
 tly one above another, crowned with lofty trees of 
 luxuriant growth ; some pointing their tapering 
 foliage towards the clouds, which were gloriously 
 transparent; and others loaded with a verdant bur- 
 then of clambering vines, bowing their branches 
 to the earth, that was covered with flowers. On 
 the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in 
 gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the 
 wild brier, whose scarlet berries and white blos- 
 soms glowed brightly among the deep green of the 
 surrounding foliage ; and here and there a curling 
 column of smoke rising from the little glens that 
 opened along the shore, seemed to promise the 
 weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their 
 fellow creatures. As they stood gazing with en- 
 tranced attention on the scene before them, a red 
 man, crowned with feathers, issued from one of 
 these glens, and after contemplating in silent won- 
 der the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan 
 
iOO A RED MAN. 
 
 swimming on a silver lake, sounded the wai'- 
 whoop, and bounded into the woods like a wild 
 deer, to the utter astonishment of the phlegmatic 
 Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise, or 
 witnessed such a caper in their whole lives. 
 
 Of the transactions of our adventurers with the 
 savages, and how the latter smoked copper pipes, 
 and ate dried currants ; how they brought great 
 store of tobacco and oysters ; how they shot one 
 of the ship's crew, and how he was buried, I shall 
 saynothing; being that I consider them unimport- 
 ant to my history. After tarrying a few days in 
 the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their 
 sea-faring, our voyagers weighed anchor, to ex- 
 plore a mighty river which emptied into the bay. 
 This river, it is said, was known among the sava- 
 ges by the name of the Shatemuck ; though we are 
 assured in an excellent little history published in 
 1674, by John JosSelyn, Gent, that it was called 
 the Mohegan,'^ and master Richard Bloome, who 
 wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same — so 
 that I very much incline in favour of the opinion 
 of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, 
 up this river did the adventurous Hendrick pro- 
 ceed, little doubting but it would turn out to be 
 the much looked for passage to China ! 
 
 The journal goes on to make mention of divers 
 interviews between the crew and the natives, in 
 
 * This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as 
 Manhattan — Noordt — Montaigne and Mauritius river. 
 
hendrick's notable device. 101 
 
 the voyage up the river; but as they would be im- 
 pertinent to my history, I shall pass over them in 
 silence, except the following dry joke, played off 
 by the old commodore and his school-fellow, Ro- 
 bert Juet, which does such vast credit to their ex- 
 perimental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from 
 inserting it. '' Our master and his mate determin- 
 ed to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey, 
 whether they had any treacherie in them. So they 
 tooice them downe into the cabin, and gave them 
 so much wine and aqua vitae, that they were all 
 merrie ; and one of them had his wife with him, 
 which sate so modestly, as any of our countrey 
 women would do in a strange place. In the end, 
 one of them was drunke, which had been aboarde 
 of our ship all the time that we had been there, 
 and that was strange to them, for they could not 
 tell how to take it."* 
 
 Having satisfied himself by this ingenious ex- 
 periment, that the natives were an honest, social 
 race of jolly roysters, who had no objection to a 
 drinking bout, and were very merry in their cups, 
 the old commodore chuckled hugely to him&elf, 
 and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his 
 cheek, directed master Juet to have it carefully 
 recorded, for the satisfaction of all the natural 
 philosophers of the university of Leyden — which 
 done, he proceeded on his voyage, witK great self- 
 Gomplacency. After sailing, however, above an 
 
 * Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil, 
 
102 MAKES A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY. 
 
 hundred miles up the river, he found the waterj 
 world around him began to grow more shallow and 
 confined, the current more rapid, and perfectly 
 fresh — phenomena not uncommon in the ascent 
 of rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutch- 
 men prodigiousl)^ A consultation was therefore 
 called, and having deliberated fall six hours, thej 
 were brought to a determination, by the ship's 
 running aground — whereupon they unanimously 
 concluded, that there was but little chance of 
 getting to China in this direction. A boat, how- 
 ever, was despatched to explore higher up the 
 river, which, onits return, confirmed the opinion — 
 upon this the ship was warped oiFand put about, 
 with great difficulty, being like most of her sex, 
 exceedingly hard to govern ; and the adventurous 
 Hudson, according to the account of my great 
 great grandfather, returned down the river — 
 with a prodigious flea in his ear ! 
 
 Being satisfied that there was little likelihood 
 of getting to China, unless like the blind man, he 
 returned from w^hence he sat out, and took a fresh 
 start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to Holland, 
 where he was received with great welcome by the 
 honourable East India Company, who were very 
 much rejoiced to see him come back safe — with 
 their ship ; and at a large and respectable meeting 
 of the first merchants and burgomasters of Am- 
 sterdam, it was unanimously determined, that as 
 a munificent reward for the eminent services he 
 
HUDSON MUNIFICENTLY REWARDED. 103 
 
 had performed, and the important discovery he 
 had made, the great river Mohegan should be 
 called after his name ! — and it continues to be 
 called Hudson river unto this very day. 
 
104 ANOTHER EXPEDITION SETS OUT, 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 *. 
 
 Containing an account of a mighty Ark which 
 floated, under the protection of St, Nicholas, 
 from Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of 
 the strange Animals therefrom — a great victory, 
 and a description of the ancient village of Com- 
 munipaw. 
 
 The delectable accounts given by the great 
 Hudson, and master Juet, of the country they had 
 discovered, excited not a little tatk and specula- 
 tion among the good people of Holland. Letters 
 patent were granted by government to an associa- 
 tion of merchants, called the West India Compa- 
 ny, for the exclusive trade on Hudson river, on 
 which they erected a trading house called Fort 
 Aurania, or Orange, from whence did spring the 
 great city of Albany. But I forbear to dwell on 
 the various commercial and colonizing enterpri- 
 ses which took place ; among which was that of 
 Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave 
 a name to Block Island, since famous for its 
 cheese — and shall barely confine myself to that 
 which gave birth to this renowned city. 
 
 It was some three or four years after the return 
 of the immortal Henf'rick, that a crew of honest, 
 Low Dutch colonists set sail from the citv of Am- 
 
©ESCRIPTION 6P the GOEDE VROUW. 105 
 
 sterdam, for the shores of America. It is an irre- 
 parable loss to history, and a great proof of the 
 darkness of the age, and the lamentable neglect 
 of the noble art of book-making, since so indus- 
 triously cultivated by knowing sea-captains, and 
 learned supercargoes, that an expedition so in- 
 teresting and important in its results, should be 
 passed over in utter silence. To my great great 
 grandfather am I again indebted for the few facts 
 I am enabled to give concerning it — he having 
 once more embarked for this country, with a full 
 determination, as he said, of ending his days here 
 — and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers, that 
 should rise to be great men in the land. 
 
 The ship in which these illustrious adventurers 
 set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or good wo- 
 man, in compliment to the wife of the President 
 of the West India Company, who was allowed by 
 every body (except her husband,) to be a sweet 
 tempered lady — when not in liquor. It was in truth 
 a most gallant vessel, of the most approved Dutch 
 construction, and made by the ablest ship carpen- 
 ters of Amsterdam, who it is well known, always 
 model their ships after the fair forms of their coun- 
 trywomen. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet 
 in the beam, one hundred feet in the keel, and one 
 hundred feet from the bottom of the stern post to 
 the taffarel. Like the beauteous model, who was 
 declared to be the greatest belie in Amsterdam, 
 it was" full in the bows, with a pair of enormou? 
 
 VOL. I. 10 
 
106 DESCRIPTION OF THE GOEDE VROUW. 
 
 cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal, a most 
 prodigious poop ! 
 
 The architect, who was somewhat of a rehgioug 
 man, far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, 
 such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules, (which 
 heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, occa- 
 sion the misfortunes and shipwreck of many a 
 noble vessel,) he, I say, on the contrary, did lauda- 
 bly erect for a head, a goodly image of St. Nicho- 
 las, equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a 
 huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that 
 reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gal- 
 lantly furnished, the staunch ship floated sideways, 
 like a majestic goose, out of the harbour of the 
 great city of Amsterdam, and all the bells, that 
 w^ere not otherwise engaged, rang a triple bob- 
 major on the joyful occasion. 
 
 My great great grandfather remarks, that the 
 voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for, being 
 under the especial care of the ever-revered St. 
 Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endow- 
 ed Avith qualities unknown to common vessels. 
 Thus she made as much lee-way as head-way, 
 could get along very nearly as fast with the wind 
 a-head, as when it was a-poop— and was particu- 
 larly great in a calm ; in consequence of which 
 singular advantages, she made out to accomiiiish 
 her voyage in a very few months, and came to 
 anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little to the 
 cast of Gibbet Island. 
 
 < 
 
•ARRIVAL AT GIBBET ISLAND. 107 
 
 Here lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what 
 is at present called the Jersey shore, a small hi- 
 dian village, pleasantly embowered in a grove of 
 spreading elms, and the natives all collectedon the 
 beach, gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede 
 Vrouw. A boat was immediately despatched to 
 enter into a treaty with them, and approaching 
 the shore, hailed them through a trumpet, in the 
 most friendly terms ; but so horribly confounded 
 were these poor savages at the tremendous and 
 uncouth sound of the Low Dutch language, that 
 they one and all took to their heels, scampered 
 over the Bergen hills ; nor did they stop until they 
 had buried themselves, head and ears, in the 
 marshes on the other side, where they all mise- 
 rably perished to a man — and their bones being 
 collected and decently covered by the Tammany 
 Society of that day, formed that singular mound 
 called Rattle-snake hill, which rises out of the 
 centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east of 
 the Newark Causeway. 
 
 Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our va- 
 liant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took pos- 
 session of the soil as conquerors in the name of 
 their High Mightinesses the Lords States General; 
 and marching fearlessly forward, carried the vil- 
 lage of CoMMUNiPAw by storm, notwithstanding 
 that it was vigorously defended by, some half a 
 score of old squaws and poppooses. On looking 
 about them they were so transported with the ex- 
 
.108 VICTORY OVER THE NATIVES. 
 
 Gellencies of the place, that they had very Httle 
 doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them 
 thither, as the very spot whereon to settle their 
 colony. The softness of the soil was wonderfully 
 adapted to the driving of piles ; the swamps and 
 marshes around them afforded ample opportuni- 
 ties for the constructing of dykes and dams ; the 
 shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable 
 to the building of docks — in a word, this spot 
 abounded with all the requisites for the founda- 
 tion of a great Dutch city. On makinga faithful 
 report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede 
 VrouWj ihey one and all determined that this 
 was the destined end of their voyage. Accord- 
 ingly they descended from the Goede Vrouw, 
 men, women, and children, in goodly groups, as 
 did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed 
 themselves into a thriving settlement, which they 
 called by the Indian name Communipaw. 
 
 As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquaint- 
 ed with Communipaw, it may seem somewhat su- 
 perfluous to treat of it in the present work ; but 
 my readers will please to recollect, that notwith- 
 standing it is my chief desire to satisfy the pre- 
 sent age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and 
 have to consult the understanding and curiosity 
 of some half a score of centuries yet to come; by 
 which time, perhaps, were it not for this invalua- 
 ble history, the great Communipaw, like Baby- 
 lon, Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities. 
 
SETTLEMENT AT COMMUNIPAW. 109 
 
 might be perfectly extinct — sunk and forgotten 
 in its own mud — its inhabitants turned into oys- 
 ters,* and even its situation a fertile subject of 
 learned controversy and hard-headed investiga- 
 tion among indefatigable historians. Let me then 
 piously rescue from oblivion the humble relics 
 of a place, which was the egg from whence was 
 hatched the mighty city of New- York ! 
 
 Communipaw is at present but a small village, 
 pleasantly situated, among rural scenery, on that 
 beauteous part of the Jersey shore which was 
 known in ancient legends by the name of Pavo- 
 nia.t and commands a grand prospect of the su- 
 perb bay of New- York. It is within but half an 
 hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have 
 a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the 
 city. Nay, it is a well known fact, which I can 
 testify from my own experience, that on a clear 
 still summer evening, you may hear, from the bat- 
 tery of New- York, the obstreperous peals of 
 broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at 
 Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are 
 famous for their risible powers. This is peculiar- 
 ly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is re- 
 marked by an ingenious and observant philoso- 
 pher, who has made great discoveries in the neigh- 
 
 * Men by inaction degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes. 
 •<. f Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of 
 country extending from about Hoboken to Amboy. 
 10* 
 
110 CHARACTER OP ITS INHABITANTS. 
 
 boLirhood of this city, that they always laugh 
 loudest — which he attributes to the circumstance 
 of their having their holiday clothes on. 
 
 These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the 
 dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, 
 and being infinitely more adventurous and more 
 knowing than their masters, carry on all the fo- 
 reign trade; making frequent voyages to town in 
 canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cab- 
 bages. They are great astrologers, predicting the 
 different changes of w^eather almost as accurately 
 as an almanac — they are moreover exquisite per- 
 formers on three stringed fiddles: in whistling 
 they almost boast the far-famed powders of Or- 
 pheus's lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the 
 place, when at the plough or before the w^aggon, 
 Avill budge a foot until he hears the well-know^n 
 whistle of his black driver and companion. — 
 And from their amazing skill at casting up ac- 
 counts upon their fingers, they are regarded with 
 , as much veneration as were the disciples of Py- 
 thagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred 
 quaternary of numbers. 
 
 As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like 
 wise men and sound philosophers, they never look 
 beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about 
 any afiairs out of their immediate neighbourhood; 
 so that they live in profound and enviable igno- 
 rance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions 
 
THEIR MANNERS, DRESS, LANGUAGE, <fcc. Ill 
 
 ef this distracted planet. I am even told that 
 many among them do verily beUeve that Holland, 
 of which they have heard so much from tradition, 
 is situated somewhere on Long-Island — that Spi- 
 king-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of 
 the world — that the country is still under the do- 
 minion of their High Mightinesses, and that the 
 city of New- York still goes by the name of Nieuw 
 Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon, 
 at the only tavern in the place, which bears as a 
 sign, a square-headed likeness of the Prince of 
 Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe, by way 
 of promoting social conviviality, and invariably 
 drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral 
 Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping 
 the British channel, with a broom at his masthead. 
 Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous 
 little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful 
 of cities, which are so many strong holds and fast- 
 nesses, whither the primitive manners of our Dutch 
 forefathers have retreated, and where they are 
 cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. 
 The dress of the original settlers is handed down 
 inviolate, from father to son — the identical broad- 
 brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad-bot- 
 tomed breeches, continue from generation to ge- 
 neration ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of 
 massy silver, are still in wear, that made gallant 
 display in the days of the patriarchs of Commu- 
 nipaw. The language likewise continues una- 
 
112 THEIR MANNERS, DRESS, LANGUAGE, &€. 
 
 dulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so cri- 
 tically correct is the village school-master in his 
 dialect, that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm 
 has much the same ejfFect on the nerves as the 
 fihng of a handsaw. 
 
INTERCOURSE WITH THE INDIANS. H3 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 la zvhich is set forth the true art of making a bar- 
 gain — together with the miraculous escape of a 
 great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of 
 certain Heroes of Communipaw, 
 
 Having, in the trifling digression which con- 
 cluded the last chapter, discharged the fihal duty 
 which the city of New- York owed to Communi- 
 paw, as being the mother settlement ; and having 
 given a faithful picture of it as it stands at pre- 
 sent, I return with a soothing sentiment of self- 
 approbation, to dwell upon its early history. The 
 crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced 
 by fresh importations from Holland, the settlement 
 went jollily on, increasing in magnitude, and pros- 
 perity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time 
 became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the 
 Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually took 
 place between them and the new comers. The 
 Indians were much given to long talks, and the 
 Dutch to long silence — in this particular, there- 
 fore they accommodated each other completely. 
 The chiefs would make long speeches about the 
 big bull, the wabash, and the great spirit, to which 
 the others would listen very attentively, smoke 
 
114 WEIGHT OF A DUTCHMAN'S FOOT. 
 
 their pipes, and grunt ?/ffA, myn-hcr — whereat the 
 poor savages were wondrously dehghted. They 
 instructed the new settlers in the best art of cu- 
 ring and smoking tobacco, while the latter in re- 
 turn, made them drunk with true Hollands — an^ 
 then learned them the art of making bargains. 
 
 A brisk trade for furs was soon opened : the 
 Dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their 
 dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing it 
 as an invariable 4;able of avoirdupois, that the 
 hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his 
 foot two pounds. It is true, the simple Indians 
 were often puzzled by the great disproportion be- 
 tween bulk and weight, for let them place a bun- 
 dle of furs, never so large, in,one scale, and a 
 Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the 
 bundle was sure to kick the beam — never was a 
 package of furs known to weigh more than two 
 pounds in the market of Communipaw ! 
 
 This is a singular fact — but I have it direct 
 from my great great grandfather, w^ho had risen 
 to considerable importance in the colony, being 
 promoted to the office of weigh master, on ac- 
 count of the uncommon heaviness of his foot. 
 
 The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe 
 began now to assume a very thriving appearance, 
 and were comprehended under the general title of 
 Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the sage Van- 
 der Donck observes, of their great resemblance to 
 the Dutch Netherlands — which indeed was trulv 
 
SMOKING, A MEANS OP SALVATION. 115 
 
 remarkable, excepting that the former were rug- 
 ged and mountainous, and the latter level and 
 marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the 
 Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary 
 hiterruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, 
 sailing under a commission from Dale, governor 
 of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements on 
 Hudson River, and demanded their submission 
 to the English crown and Virginian dominion, — 
 To this arrogant demand, as they were in no con- 
 dition to resist it, they submitted for the time, like 
 discreet and reasonable men. 
 
 It does not appear that the valiant Argal mo- 
 lested the settlement of Communipaw; on thecon- 
 trary, I am told that when his vessel first hove in 
 sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such 
 a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with 
 astonishingvehemence ; insomuch thatlhe} quick- 
 ly raised a cloud, which, combining with the sur- 
 rounding woods and marshes, completely enve- 
 loped and concealed their beloved village, and 
 overhung the fair regions of Pavonia — So that the 
 terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspi- 
 cious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay 
 snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this 
 pestilent vapour. In commemoration of this 
 fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have 
 continued to smoke, almost without intermission, 
 onto this very day ; which is said to be the cause 
 
116 A FERILOUS ENTERPRISE. 
 
 of the remarkable fog that often hangs over Com- 
 munipaw of a clear afternoon. 
 
 Upon the departure of the enemy, our mag- 
 nanimous ancestors took full six months to reco- 
 ver their wind, having been exceedingly discom- 
 posed by the consternation and hurry of alfairs. 
 They then called a council of safety to smoke 
 over the state of the province. After six months 
 more of mature deliberation, during which nearly 
 five hundred words were spoken, and almost as 
 much tobacco was smoked as would have served 
 a certain modern general through a whole win- 
 ter's campaign of hard drinkitig, it was determin- 
 ed to fit out an armament of canoes, and de- 
 spatch them on a voyage of discovery ; to search 
 if, peradventure, so'iie more sure and formidable 
 position might not be found, where the colony 
 would be less subject to vexatious visitations. 
 
 This perilous enterprize was entrusted to the 
 superintendence of Mynheers Oloffe Van Kort- 
 landt, Abraham Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van 
 Zandt,and WinantTen Broeck — four indubitably 
 great men, but of whose history, although I have 
 made diligent inquiry, I can learn but httle, pre- 
 vious to their leaving Holland. Nor need this oc- 
 casion much surprise ; for adventurers, like pro- 
 phets, though they make great noise abroad, have 
 seldom much celebrity in their own countries; but 
 this much is certain, that the overflowings and off- 
 scourings of a country are invariably composed of 
 
PRIVILEGE OP ANCIENT HEROES. 117 
 
 the richest parts of the soil. And here I cannot 
 help remarking how convenient it would be to 
 many of our great men and great families of doubt- 
 ful origin, could they have the privilege of the 
 heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was 
 involved in obscurity, modestly announced them- 
 selves descended from a god — and who never vi- 
 sited a foreign country but what they told some 
 cock and bull stories about their being kings and 
 princes at home. This venal trespass on the truth, 
 though it has occasionally been played olf by some 
 pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious fo- 
 reigner, in our land of good natured credulity, 
 has been completely discountenanced in this 
 sceptical, matter of fact age — and I even ques- 
 tion whether any tender virgin, who was acci- 
 dentally and unaccountably enriched with a bant- 
 ling, would save her character at parlour fire-sides 
 and evening tea-parties by ascribing the pheno- 
 menon to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river god. 
 
 Thus being denied the benefit of mythology 
 
 and classic fable, I should have been completely 
 
 at a loss as to the early biography of my heroes, 
 
 , had not a gleam of light been thrown upon their 
 
 origin from their names. 
 
 By this simple means have I been enabled to 
 gather some particulars concerning the adven- 
 turers in question. Van KortJandt, for instance, 
 was one of those peripatetic philosophers who tax 
 Providence for a livelihood, and like Diogenes.. 
 
 VOL. I. 11 
 
lis A DUTCH DIOGENES. 
 
 enjoy a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine. 
 He was usually arrayed in garments suitable to 
 his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangled 
 by the hand of time ; and was helmeted with an 
 old fragment of a hat which had acquired the 
 shape of a sugar-loaf ; and so far did he carry his 
 contempt for the adventitious distinction of dress, 
 that it is said the remnant of a shirt, which co- 
 vered his back, and dangled like a pocket hand- 
 kerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never 
 washed, except by the bountiful showers of hea- 
 ven. In this garb was he usually to be seen, 
 sunning himself at noon day, with a herd of phi- 
 losophers of the same sect, on the side of the 
 great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility 
 of Europe, he took his name of Kortlandt (or lack 
 land) from his landed estate, which lay some 
 where in terra incognita. 
 
 Of the next of our worthies, might I have had 
 the benefit of mythological assistance, the want of 
 which I have just lamented, I should have made 
 honourable mention, as boasting equally illustrious 
 pedigree with the proudest hero of antiquity. His 
 name was Van Zandt,^ which being freely trans- 
 lated, signifies, yVom the dirt, meaning, beyond a 
 doubt, that like Triptolemas, Themis, the Cy- 
 clops and the Titans, he sprang from dame Terra, 
 or the earth! This supposition is strongly corro- 
 borated by his size, for it is well known that all 
 the progeny of mother earth were of a <>iganlic 
 
TOUGH BREECHES AND TEN BREECHES. 119 
 
 stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall 
 raw-boned man, above six feet high — with an as- 
 tonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the 
 illustriotis Van Zandt a whit more improbable 
 or repugnant to belief than what is related and 
 universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or 
 rather richest men ; who, we are told with the 
 utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dung- 
 hill ! 
 
 Of the third hero but a faint description has 
 reached to this time, which mentions that he was 
 a sturdy, obstinate, hurley, bustling httle man ; 
 and from being usually equipped with an old pair 
 of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden 
 Broeck, or Tough Breeches, 
 
 Ten Broeck completed this junto of adven- 
 turers. It is a singular, but ludicrous fact, which, 
 were I not scrupulous in recordingthe whole truth, 
 I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, 
 as incompatible with the gravity and dignity of 
 history, that this worthy gentleman should hke- 
 wise have been nicknamed from the most whimsi- 
 cal part of his dress. In fact, the small clothes 
 seems to have been a very important garment in 
 the eyes of our venerated ancestors, owing in all 
 probability to its really being the largest article q^ 
 raiment among them. The name of Ten Broeck, 
 or Tin Broeck is indifferently translated into Ten 
 Breeches and Tin Breeches— the High Dutch com- 
 »nentators incline to the former opinion ; and as^ 
 
120 DERIVATION OF TEN BREECHES. 
 
 cribe it to his being the first who introduced into 
 the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of wear- 
 ing ten pair of breeches. But the most elegant 
 and ingenious writers on the subject declare in 
 favour of Tin, or rather Thin Breeches ; from 
 whence they infer, that he was a poor, but merry 
 rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the sound- 
 est, and who was the identical author of that truly 
 philosophical stanza : 
 
 *' Then why should we quarrel for riches, 
 
 Or any such glittering toys ; 
 A light heart and thin pair of breeches. 
 
 Will go through the world, my brave boys !*♦ 
 
 Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct 
 this voyage into unknown realms ; and the whole 
 was put under the superintending care and direc- 
 tion of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who was held in 
 great reverence among the sages of Communipaw, 
 for the variety and darkness of his knowledge. 
 Having, as I before observed, passed a great part 
 of his life in the open air, among the peripatetic 
 philosophers of Amsterdam, he had become ama- 
 zingly well acquainted with the aspect of the hea- 
 vens, and could as accurately determine when a 
 storm was brewing, or a squall rising, as a dutiful 
 husband can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, 
 when a tempest is gathering about his ears. He 
 was moreover a great seer of ghosts and gobhns, 
 
Va!n kortlandt a prophet. 121 
 
 and a firm believer in omens ; but what especial- 
 ly recommended him to public confidence was 
 his marvellous talent at dreaming, for there never 
 was any thing of consequence happened at Com- 
 munipaw but what he declared he had previously 
 dreamt it ; being one of those infallible prophets 
 who always predict events after they have come 
 to pass. 
 
 This supernatural gift was as highly valued 
 among the burghers of Pavonia as it was among 
 the enlightened nations of antiquity. The wise 
 Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than 
 his waking moments for all his subtle achieve- 
 ments, and seldom undertook any great exploit 
 without first soundly sleeping upon it ; and the. 
 same may truly be said of the good Van Kortlandt, 
 who was thence aptly denominated, OloiFe the 
 Dreamer. 
 
 This cautious commander having chosen the 
 crews that should accompany him in the proposed 
 expedition, exhorted them to repair to their homes, 
 take a good night's rest, settle all family atiairs, 
 and make their wills, before departing on this 
 voyage into unknown realms. And indeed this 
 last was a precaution always taken by our fore- 
 fathers, even in after times, when they became 
 more adventurous, and voyaged to Haverstraw, 
 or Kaatskili, or Groodt Esopus, or any other far 
 country that lay beyond the great waters of the 
 Tappaan Zee. 
 
 11* 
 
122 GOLDEN CLOUDS AND TIN WEATHERCOCKS, 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell- 
 Gate^ and how they mere received there* 
 
 And now the rosy blush of mom began to man- 
 tle in the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging 
 from amidst golden and purple clouds, shed his 
 blithsome rajs on the tin weathereocks of Com- 
 munipaw. It was that delicious season of the year, 
 when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom 
 of old winter, like a blooming damsel from the 
 tyranny of a sordid old father, threwherself, blush- 
 ing with ten thousand charms, into the arms of 
 youthful spring. Every tufted copse and bloom- 
 ing grove resounded with the iiotes of hymeneal 
 love. The very iasects, as they sipped the dew 
 that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, 
 joined inthe joyous epithaiamium — the virgin bud 
 timidly put forth its blushes, " the voice of the 
 turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of 
 man dissolved away in tenderness. Oh ! sweet 
 Theocritus! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou 
 erst didst charm the gay Sicilian [ialns — Or Oh! 
 gentle Bion I thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy 
 swains of the Lesbian isle so miich dehghted, then 
 might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or negU- 
 
BEPARTURE OP THE EXPEDITION. 123 
 
 gent Idjllium,the rural beauties of the scene— but 
 having nothing, save this jaded goose quill, where- 
 with to wing my flight, I must fain resign all po- 
 etic disportings of the fancy, and pursue my nar- 
 rative inhumble prose 5 comforting myself with the 
 hope, that though it may not steal so sweetly upon 
 the imagination of my reader, yetmay it commend 
 itself, with virgin modesty to his better Judgment, 
 clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth. 
 
 No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus 
 dart into the windows of Communipaw, than the 
 little settlement was all in motion. Forth issued 
 from his castle the sage Van Kortland, and seiz- 
 ing a conch shell, blew a far resounding blast, that 
 soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did 
 they trudge resolutely down to the water side, 
 escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, 
 who all went down, as the common phrase ex- 
 presses it, 'Mo see them off." And this shows 
 the antiquity of those long family processions, 
 often seen in our city, composed of all ages, 
 sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and band- 
 boxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins, 
 about to depart for home in a market-boat. 
 
 The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squad- 
 ron of three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board 
 alittle round Dutch boat, shaped not unlikeatyb, 
 whichhadformerly been thejoJiy boat of theGoede 
 Vrouw. And now, all being embarked, they bade 
 farewell to thegazing throng upon the beach, who 
 
!24 CURIOUS ORIGIN OP TWO ISLANDS. 
 
 continued shouting after them, even when out of 
 hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advising 
 them to take good care of themselves, not to get 
 drowned — with an abundance other of those sage 
 and invaluable cautions, generally given by lands- 
 men to such as go down ta the sea in ships, and 
 adventure upon the deep waters. In the mean 
 while the voyagers cheerily urged their course 
 across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left 
 behind them the green shores of ancient Pavonia. 
 And first they touched at two small islands 
 which lie nearly opposite Communipa w, and which 
 are said to have been brought into existence about 
 the time of the great irruption of the Hudson, when 
 it broke through the Highlands and made its way 
 to the ocean.* For in this tremendous uproar of 
 the waters, we are told that many huge fragments 
 of rock and land were rent from the mountains 
 
 * It is a matter long since establisheiiy certain of our 
 philosophers, that is to say, having- been often advanced, 
 and never contradicted, it has grown to be prett}' nigh 
 equal to a settled fact, that the Hudson was originally a 
 Jake, dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In 
 process of lime, hovvever, becoming very mighty and ob- 
 streperous, and the mountains waxing pursy, dropsical, 
 and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, 
 it suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent struggle 
 effected its escape. This is said to have comf to pass in 
 very remote time, probably before tliat riveis hac^; l;>st the 
 art of running up hill. The foregoing is a thj;ort in which 
 I do not pretend to be skilled, notliwithstaiiding that i do 
 fully give it my belief. 
 
THE H^DSOW ORIGINALLY A LAKE. 123 
 
 and swept down by this runaway river, for sixty 
 or seventy miles ; where some of them ran a- 
 ground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, 
 and formed the identical islands in question, while 
 others drifted out to sea, and were never heard of 
 more! A sufficient proof of the fact is, that the 
 rock which forms the bases of these islands is ex- 
 actly similar to that of the Highlands, and more- 
 over one of our philosophers, who has diligently 
 compared the agreement of their respective sur- 
 faces, has even gone so far as to assure me, in con- 
 fidence, that Gibbet Island was originally nothing 
 more nor less than a wart on Anthony's nose.* 
 
 Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next 
 coasted by Gfovernor's Island, since terrible from 
 its frowning fortress and grinning batteries. They 
 would by no means, however, land upon this island, 
 since they doubted much it might be the abode of 
 demons and spirits, which in those days did greatly 
 abound throughout this savage and pagan country. 
 
 Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came 
 rolling and tumbling by, turning up their sleek 
 sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny ele- 
 ment in sparkling showers. No sooner did the 
 sage Olotfe mark this than he was greatly re- 
 joiced. "This," exclaimed he, "if I mistake not, 
 augurs well — the porpoise is a fat, well condi- 
 tioned fish — a burgomaster among fishes — his 
 
 * A promontory in the Highlands, 
 
156 AN AUSPICIOUS OMBN. 
 
 looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity — I 
 greatly admire this round fat fish, and doubt not 
 but this is a happy omen of the success of our 
 undertaking." So saying, he directed his squad- 
 ron to steer in the tract of these alderman fishes. 
 
 Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they 
 swept up the strait vulgarly called the East Ri- 
 rer. And here the rapid tide which coursei 
 through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in 
 which Commodore Van Kortlandt had embark- 
 ed, hurried it forward with a velocity unparal- 
 leled in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; 
 insomuch that the good commodore, who had all 
 his life long been accustomed only to the drowsy 
 navigation of canals, was more than ever con- 
 vinced that they were in the hands of some su- 
 pernatural power, and that the jolly porpoises 
 were towing them to some fair haven that was to 
 fulfil all their wishes and expectations. 
 
 Thus borne away by the resistless current, they 
 doubled that boisterous point of land since called 
 Corlear's Hook,* and leaving to the right the rich 
 winding cove of the Wallabout, they drifted into 
 a magnificent expanse of water, surrounded by 
 pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly 
 refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were 
 looking around them, on what they conceived to 
 be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld at a dis- 
 
 * Properly spelt hgeck, (i. e. a point of land.) 
 
INTREPIDITY OF HENDRICK KIT, 157 
 
 tance a crew of painted savages, busily employed 
 in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this 
 romantic region — their slender canoe lightly ba- 
 lanced like a feather on the undulating surface 
 of the bay. 
 
 At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of 
 Communipaw were not a httle troubled. But as 
 good fortune would have it, at the bow of the 
 commodore's boat was stationed a very valiant 
 man, named Hendrick Kip, (which being inter- 
 preted, means chicken, a name given him in token 
 of his courage.) No sooner did he behold these 
 varlet heathens than he trembled with excessive 
 valour, and although a good half mile distant, he 
 seized a musquetoon that lay at hand, and turning 
 away his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face 
 of the blessed sun. The blundering weapon re- 
 coiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious 
 kick, that laid him prostrate with uplifted heeU 
 in the bottom of the boat. But such was the ef- 
 fect of this tremendous fire, that the wild men of 
 the .woods, struck with consternation, seized 
 hastily upon their paddles, and shot away into one 
 of tlie deep inlets of the Long Island shore. 
 
 This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy 
 voyagers, and in honour of the achievement they 
 gave the name of the valiant Kip to the surround- 
 ing bay, and it has continued to be called Kip's 
 Bay from that time to the present. The heart of 
 the good Van Kortlandt — who, having no land of 
 
128 A CONSULTATION. 
 
 his own, was a great admirer of other people's — 
 expanded at the sumptuous prospect of rich un- 
 settled country around him, and falling into a 
 delicious reverie, he straightway began to riot in 
 the possession of vast meadows of salt marsh and 
 interminable patches of cabbages. From this 
 delectable vision he was all at once awakened by 
 the sudden turning of the tide, which would soon 
 have hurried him from this land of promise, had 
 not the discreet navigator given signal to steer 
 for shore ; where they accordingly landed hard 
 by the rocky heights of Bellevue — that happy 
 retreat, where our ; oil)' aldermen eat for the good 
 of the city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrifi- 
 ced on civic solemnities. 
 
 Here, seated on the green sward, by the side of 
 a small stream that ran sparkling among the grass, 
 they refreshed themselves after the toils of the 
 seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores which 
 they had provided for this perilous voyage. Thus 
 having well fortified their deliberative powers, they 
 fell into an earnest consultation, what was farther 
 to be done. This was the first council dinner ever 
 eaten at Bellevue by Christian burghers, and here, 
 as tradition relates, did originate the great family 
 feud between the Hardeobroecks and the Ten- 
 broecks, which afterwards had a singular influence 
 on the building of the city. The sturdy Harden- 
 broeck, whose eyes had been wonderously delight- 
 ed with the salt marshes that spread their reeking 
 
©RIGIN OP A FAMILY PEUD. 129 
 
 bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's 
 Bar, counselled by all means to return thither, 
 and found the intended city. This was strenu- 
 ously opposed by the unbending Ten Broeck, 
 and many testy arguments passed between them. 
 The particulars of this controversy have not reach- 
 ed us, which is ever to be lamented ; this much 
 is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to the 
 dispute, by determining to explore still farther 
 in the route which the mysterious porpoises had 
 so clearly pointed out — whereupon the sturdy 
 Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took 
 possession of a neighbouring hill, and in a fit of 
 great wrath peopled all that tract of country, 
 which has continued to be inhabited by the Har- 
 denbroecks unto this very day. 
 
 By this time the jolly Phoebus, hke some wan- 
 ton urchin sporting on the side of a green hill, 
 began to roll down the declivity of the heavens ; 
 and now, the tide having once more turned in 
 their favour, the resolute Pavonians again com- 
 mitted themselves to its discretion, and coasting 
 along the western shores, were borne towards the 
 straits of BlackwelPs Island. 
 
 And here the capricious wanderings of the cur- 
 rent occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity 
 to these illustrious mariners. Now would they be 
 caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round 
 a jutting point, would wind deep into some ro- 
 mantic little cove, that indented the fair island of 
 VOL. I. 12. 
 
130 THE EXPEDITION PROCEEDS 
 
 Manna-hatta ; now were they hurried narrowly 
 by the very basis of impending rocks, mantled 
 with the flaunting grape vine, and crowned with 
 groves that threw a broad shade on the waves 
 beneath ; and anon they were borne away into the 
 mid-channel and wafted along with a rapidity that 
 very much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, 
 who, as he saw the land swift'y receding on either 
 side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma 
 was giving them the slip. 
 
 Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new 
 creation seemed to bloom around. No signs of 
 human thrift appeared to check the deliciouswild- 
 ness of nature, who here revelled in all her luxu- 
 riant variety. Those hills now bristled, like the 
 fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars, (vain up- 
 start plants! minions of wealth and fashion!) were 
 then adorned with the vigorous natives of the soil; 
 the lordly oak, the generous chestnut, the graceful 
 elm — while here and there the tulip tree rear- 
 ed his majestic head, the giant of the forest. — 
 Where now are seen the gay retreats of luxury — 
 villas half buried in twihght bowers, whence the 
 amorous fljite oft breathes the sighings of some 
 city swain — there the fish hawk built his solitary 
 nest, on some dry tree that overlooked his watery 
 domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along 
 tliose shores now hallowed by the lover's moon- 
 light walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty ; 
 and a savage solitude extended over those hap- 
 
•THROUGH A DELIGHTFUL COUxNTRY. 131 
 
 pj regions, where now are reared the stately tow- 
 ers of the Jones's, the Schermerhornes, and the 
 Rhinelanders. 
 
 Thus ghding in silent w^onder through these 
 new and unknown scenes, the gallant squadron ot'' 
 Pavonia swept hy the foot of a promontory, that 
 strutted forth boldly into the weaves, and seemed 
 to frown upon them as they brawled against its 
 base. This is the bluff well known to modern 
 mariners by the name of Gracie's point, from the 
 fair castle which, like an elephant, it carries upon 
 its back. And here broke upon their view a wild 
 and varied prospect, where land and water were 
 beauteously intermingled, as though they had 
 combined to heighten and set off each other's 
 charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of 
 Blackwell's Island, drest in the fresh garniture of 
 living green — beyond it stretched the pleasant 
 coast of Sundswick, and the small harbour well 
 known by the name of Hallet's Cove — a place in- 
 famous in latter days, by reason of its being 
 the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, rob- 
 bing orchards and watermelon patches, and insult- 
 ing gentlemen navigators, when voyaging in their 
 pleasure boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather 
 creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed 
 with forests, and forming a kind of vista, through 
 which were beheld the sylvan regions of Haerlem, 
 Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the eye re- 
 
(32 A SUDDEN DISASTER. 
 
 posed with delight on a richlj wooded coimtrj, 
 diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, 
 and waving hnes of upland, swelling above each 
 other ; while over the whole, the purple mists of 
 spring diffused a hue of soft voluptuousness. 
 
 Just before them the grand course of the 
 stream making a sudden bend wound among em- 
 bowered promontories and shores of emerald 
 verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A 
 character of gentleness and mild fertility prevail- 
 ed around. The sun had just descended, and the 
 thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil 
 drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, height- 
 ened the charms which it half concealed. 
 
 Ah! witching scenes of foul delusion! Ah! 
 hapless voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on 
 these Circean shores! Such, alas! are they, poor 
 easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a 
 wicked world — treacherous are its smiles ! fatal 
 its caresses. He who yields to its enticements 
 launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his 
 feeble bark among the dimpling eddies of a whirl- 
 pool! And thus it fared with the worthies of Pa- 
 vonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful scene 
 before them, drifted quietly on, until they were 
 aroused by an uncommon tossing and agitation of 
 their vessels. For now the late dimpling current 
 began to brawl around them, and the waves to 
 boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened as 
 
¥Hfi COMMODORE IN "THE POT." 133 
 
 if from a dream, the astonished OlofTe bawled 
 aloud to put about, but his Avords were lost amid 
 the roaring of the waters. And now ensued a 
 scene of direful consternation — at one time they 
 were borne with dreadful velocity among tumul- 
 tuous breakers, at another, hurried down boiste- 
 rous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed upon 
 the Hen and Chickens ; (infamous rocks ! — more 
 voracious than Scylla and her whelps;) and anon 
 they seemed sinking into yawning gulfs, that 
 threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. 
 All the elements combined to produce a hideous 
 confusion. The waters raged — the winds howled 
 — and as they were hurried along, several of the 
 astonished mariners beheld the rocks and trees of 
 the neighbouring shores driving through the air! 
 At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van 
 Kortlandt was drawn into the vortex of that tre- 
 mendous whirlpool called the Tot, where it was 
 whirled about in giddy mazes, until the senses of 
 the good commander and his crew were overpow- 
 ered by the horror of the scene, and the strange- 
 ness of the revolution. 
 
 . How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was 
 snatched from the jaw^s of this modern Chary bdis, 
 has never been truly made known, for so many 
 survived to tell the tale, and, what is still more 
 wonderful, told it in so many different ways, that 
 there has ever prevailed a great variety of opi- 
 nions on the subject. 
 
 12* 
 
134 THE DEVIL FIDDLIXG AT HELL-SATE. 
 
 As to the commodore and his crew, when they 
 came to their senses thej found themselves 
 stranded on the Long Island shore. The worthy 
 commodore, indeed, used to relate many and 
 wonderful stories of his adventures in this time 
 of peril ; how that he saw spectres flying in the 
 air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put 
 his hand into the pot when they were whirled 
 around, and found the water scalding hot, and 
 beheld several uncouth looking beings seated on 
 rocks and skimming it with huge ladles — but par- 
 ticularly he declared with great exultation, that 
 he saw the losel porpoises, which had betrayed 
 them into this peril, some broiling on the Gridi- 
 ron and others hissing in the Frying-pan 1 
 
 These, however, were considered by many as 
 mere phantasies of the commodore's imagination, 
 while he lay in a trance ; especially as he was 
 known to be given to dreaming ; and the truth of 
 them has never been clearly ascertained. It is 
 certain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe 
 and his followers may be traced the various tradi- 
 tions handed down of this marvellous strait — as 
 how the devil has been seen there, sitting astride 
 of the Hog's Back and playing on the fiddle — how 
 he broils fish there before a storm ; and many other 
 stories, in which we must be cautious of putting 
 too much faith. In consequence of all these ter- 
 rific circumstances, the Pavonian commander gave 
 this pass the name of Helh-gat, or as it has been 
 
ETYMOLOGY OF HELL-GATE. 135 
 
 interpreted, Hell-gate ;^ wliich it continues to 
 bear at the present day. 
 
 * This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of 
 six miles above New- York. It is dangerous to shipping-, 
 unless under the care of skilful pilots, by reason of numer- 
 ous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. These have received 
 sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, Frying-pan, 
 Hog's Back, Pot, &c. and are very violent and turbulent 
 at certain times of tide. Certain wise men who instruct 
 these modern days have softened the above characteristic 
 name into Hurl-gate^ which means nothing. I leave them 
 to give their own etymology. The name as given by our 
 author is supported by the map in Vander Donck's history, 
 published in 1656 — by Ogilvie's history of America, 1671 
 — as also by a journal still extant, written in the 1 6th cen- 
 tury, and to be found in Hazard's State Papers. And an 
 old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations 
 in names about this city observes, " De HeUe-gai troii 
 d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, Porte d'Enfer." 
 
• 
 136 THE SQUADRON DISPERSEB. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 How the heroes of Communipaw returned some- 
 what wiser than they we7it — and how the sage 
 Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he 
 dreamed. 
 
 The darkness of night had closed upon this 
 disastrous day, and a doieful night was it to the 
 shipwrecked Pavonians, whose ears were inces- 
 santly assailed with the raging of the elements, 
 and the howling of the hob-obllns that infested 
 this perfidious strait. But when the morning 
 dawned, the horrors of the preceding evening had 
 passed away ; rapids, breakers, and whirlpools 
 had disappeared, the stream again ran smooth and 
 dimpling, and having changed its tide, rolled gent- 
 ly back, towards the quarter where lay their 
 much regretted home. 
 
 The wo-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed 
 each other with rueful countenances ; their squad- 
 ron had been totally dispersed by the late disas- 
 ter. Some were cast upon the western shore, 
 where, headed by one Ruleff Hopper, they took 
 possession of all the country lying about the six 
 mile stone ; which is held by the Hoppers at thin 
 present writing. 
 
TEN BREECHES SURE LIFE PRESERVERS. ISf 
 
 The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather 
 to a distant coast, where, having with them a jug of 
 genuine Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate 
 the savages, setting up a kind of tavern ; from 
 whence, it is said, did spring the fair town of Haer- 
 lem, in which their descendants have ever since 
 continued to be reputable publicans. As to the 
 Suydams, they were thrown upon the Long Island 
 coast, and may still be found in those parts. But 
 the most singular luck attended the great Ten 
 Broeck, who, faUing overboard, was miraculously- 
 preserved from sinking by the multitude of his 
 nether garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on 
 the waves, like a merman, until he landed safely 
 on a rock, where he was found the next morning, 
 busily drying his many breeches in the sun-shine. 
 
 I forbear to treat of the long consultation of 
 our adventurers — how they determined that it 
 would hot do to found a city in this diabolical 
 neighbourhood — and how at length, with fear and 
 trembling, they ventured once more upon the 
 briny element, and steered their course back for 
 Communipaw. Suffice it, in simple brevity, to 
 say, that after toiling back through the scenes of 
 their yesterday's voyage, they at length opened 
 the southern point of Manna-hata, and gained a 
 distant view of their beloved Communipaw. 
 
 And here they were opposed by an obstinate 
 eddy, that resisted all the eiforts of the exhausted 
 marinGrs. Weary and dispirited, they could no 
 
138 ARRIVAL AT MANNA-HAT A. 
 
 longer make head against the power of the tide, 
 or rather, as some will have it, of old Neptane, 
 who, anxious to guide them to a spot, whereon 
 should be founded his strong hold in this western 
 world, sent half a score of potent billows, that 
 rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt high 
 and dry on the shores of Manna-hata. 
 
 Having thus in a manner been guided by super- 
 natural power to this delightful island, their first 
 care was to light a fire at the foot of a large tree, 
 that stood upon the point at present called the 
 Battery. Then gathering together great store of 
 oysters which abounded on the shore, and empty- 
 ing the contents of their wallets, they prepared 
 and made a sumptuous council repast. The wor- 
 thy Van Kortlandt was observed to be particular- 
 ly zealous in his devotions to the trencher ; for 
 having the cares of the expedition especially com- 
 mitted to hiscare,he deemed it incumbent on him 
 to eat profoundly for the public good. In propor- 
 tion as he filled himself to the very brim with the 
 dainty viands before him, did the heart of this ex- 
 cellent burgher rise up towards his throat, until 
 he seemed crammed and almost choked with good 
 eating and good nature. And at such times it is, 
 when a man's heart is in his throat, that he may 
 more truly be said to speak from it, and his speech- 
 es abound with kindness and good fellowship. 
 Thus the worthy Olotfe having swallowed the last 
 possible morsel, and washedit down with a fervent 
 
VAN KORTLANDT's DREAM. 139 
 
 potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole 
 frame in a manner dilating with unbounded bene- 
 volence. Every thing around him seemed excel- 
 lent and delightful ; and, laymg his hands on each 
 side of his capacious periphery, and rolling his 
 half closed eyes around on trie beautiful diversity 
 of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in a 
 fat half smothered voice, "what a charming pros- 
 pect !" The words died away in his throat — he 
 seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a moment 
 — his eye-lids heavily closed over their orbs — his 
 head drooped upon his bosom — he slowly sunk 
 upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gra- 
 dually upon him. 
 
 And the sage OlofTe dreamed a dream — and lo, 
 the good St. JN'lchoias came riding ov^erthe tops 
 of the trees, in that self-same waggon wherein he 
 brings his yearly presents to children, and he 
 came and descended hard by where the heroes of 
 Communipaw had made their late repast. And 
 the shrewd Van Kortlandtknew him by his broad 
 hat, his long pipe, and the resemblance which he 
 bore to the figure on the bow of the Goede 
 Vrouw. And he lit his pipe by the fire, and sat 
 himself down and smoked ; and as he smoked 
 the smoke from his pipe ascended into the air 
 and spread hke a cloud over head. And Oloffe 
 bethought him, and he hastened and climbed up 
 to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that 
 the smoke spread over a great extent of country 
 
140 THE DREAM INTERPRETED. 
 
 — and as he considered it more attentively, he 
 fancied that the great volume of smoke assumed a 
 variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscu- 
 rity he saw shadowed out palaces and domes and 
 lofty spires, all of which lasted but a moment, 
 and then faded away, until the whole rolled off, 
 and nothing but the green woods were left. And 
 when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, he twist- 
 ed it in his hat band, and laying his finger beside 
 his nose, gave the astonished Van Kortlandt a 
 very significant look, then mounting his waggon, 
 he returned over the tree tops and disappeared. 
 
 And Van Kortland awoke from his sleep great- 
 ly instructed, and he aroused his companions, and 
 related to them his dream, and interpreted it, that 
 it was the will of St. Nicholas that they should 
 settle down and build the city here. And that 
 the smoke of the pipe was a type how vast should 
 be the extent of the city ; inasmuch as the vo- 
 lumes of its smoke should spread over a wide ex- 
 tent of country. And they all with one voice as- 
 sented to this interpretation excepting Mynheer 
 Ten Broeck, who declared the meaning to be that 
 it should be a city wherein a little fire should oc- 
 casion a great smoke, or in other words, a very 
 vapouring little city — both which interpretations 
 have strangely come to pass ! 
 
 The great object of their perilous expedition, 
 therefore, being thus happily accomplished, the 
 voyagers returned merrily to Communipaw, where 
 
Van KORTLANDT IN MORE HeNOUR. 141 
 
 thej were received with great rejoicings. And 
 here calling a general meeting of all the wise 
 men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they related 
 the whole history of their voyage, and of the 
 dream of Oloffe Van Kortlandt. And the peo- 
 ple lifted up their voices and blessed the good 
 St. Nicholas, and from that time forth the sage 
 Van Kortlandt was held in more honour than 
 ever, for his great talent at dreaming, and was 
 pronounced a most useful citizen and a right 
 good man — when he was asleep. 
 
 VOL. I. 1 o 
 
142 AN ATTEMPT AT THE ETYMOLeOY 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Containing an attempt at etymology— and of the 
 founding of the great city of New- Amsterdam, 
 
 The original name of the island wherein the 
 squadron of Communipaw was thus propitiously 
 thrown, is a matter of some dispute, and has alrea- 
 dy undergone considerable vitiation — a melancho- 
 ly proof of the instability of all sublunary things, 
 and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ; 
 for who can expect his name will live to poste- 
 rity, when even the names of mighty islands are 
 thus soon lost in contradiction and uncertainty! 
 
 The name most current at the present day, and 
 which is likewise countenanced by the great his- 
 torian Vander Donck, is Manhattan ; which is 
 said to have originated in a custom among the 
 squaws, in the early settlement, of wearing men's 
 hats, as is still done among many tribes. ''Hence," 
 as we are told by an old governor Avho was some- 
 what of a wag, and flourished almost a century 
 since, and had paid a visit to the wits of Philadel- 
 phia, " hence arose the appellation of man-hat- 
 on, first given to the Indians, and afterwards to 
 the island" — a stupid joke! — but well enough for 
 a governor. 
 
0F THE NAME MANHATTAN. 143 
 
 •Among the more venerable sources of informa- 
 tion on this subject, is that valuable history of the 
 American possessions, written by Master Richard 
 Blome, in 1687, wherein it is called Manhadaes 
 and Manahanent ; nor must I forget the excellent 
 little book, full of precious matter, of that authen- 
 tic historian, John Josselyn, Gent, who express- 
 ly calls it Manadaes. 
 
 Another etymology still more ancient, and sanc- 
 tioned by the countenance of our ever to be la- 
 mented Dutch ancestors, is that found in certain 
 letters still extant ;* Avhich passed between the 
 early governors and their neighbouring powers, 
 wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes — 
 Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently, 
 unimportant variations of the same name ; for our 
 wise forefathers sat little store by those niceties 
 either in orthography or orthoepy, which form the 
 sole study and ambition of many learned men and 
 women of this hypercritical age. This last name 
 is said to be derived from the great Indian spirit 
 Manetho ; who was supposed to make this island 
 his favourite abode, on account of its uncommon 
 delights. For the Indian traditions affirm that the 
 bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver 
 and golden fish, in the midst of which hy this 
 beautiful island, covered with every variety of 
 fruits and flowers ; but that the sudden irruption 
 
 * Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. Pap. 
 
144 EMIGRATION FROM COMMUNIPAW 
 
 of the Hudson laid waste theseblissful scenes, aAd 
 Manetho took his flight beyond the great waters 
 of Ontario. 
 
 These, however, are fabulous legends, to which 
 rery cautious credence must be given ; and al- 
 though I am willing to admit the last quoted or- 
 thography of the name, as very suitable for prose, 
 yet is there another one founded on still more 
 ancient and indisputable authority, which I par- 
 ticularly delight in, seeing that it is at once poeti- 
 cal, melodious, and significant — and this is record- 
 ed in the before mentioned voyage of the great 
 Hudson, written by master Juet ; who clearly and 
 correctly calls it Manna-hata — that is to say, the 
 island of Manna, or in other words — " a land 
 flowing with milk and honey !" 
 
 It having been solemnly resolved that the seat 
 of empire should be transferred from the green 
 shores of Pavonia to this delectable island, a vast 
 multitude embarked, and migrated across the 
 mouth of the Hudson, under the guidance of Olofle 
 the Dreamer, who was appointed protector or 
 patron to the new settlement. 
 
 And here let me bear testimony to the match- 
 less honesty and magnanimity of our worthy fore- 
 fathers, who purchased the soil of the native Iri- 
 <lians before erecting a single roof; a circumstance 
 singular and almost incredible in the annals of 
 discovery and colonization. 
 
TO A NEW SETTLEMENT. 145 
 
 The first settlement was made on the southwest 
 point of the island, on the very spot where the 
 good St. Nicholas had appeared in the dream. 
 Here they built a mighty and impregnable fort 
 and trading house, called Fort Amsterdam, 
 which stood on that eminence at present occupi- 
 ed by the custom-house, with the open space now 
 called the bowling-green in frontf 
 
 Around this potent fortress was soon seen a nu- 
 merous progeny of little Dutch houses, with tiled 
 roofs, all which seemed most lovingly to nestle 
 under its walls, like a brood of half fledged chick- 
 ens sheltered under the wings of the mother hen. 
 The whole was surrounded by an inclosure of 
 strong palisadoes, to guard against any sudden ir- 
 ruption of the savages, who wandered in. hordes 
 about the swamps and forests that extended over 
 those tracts of country at present called Broadway, 
 Wall-street, William-street, and Fearl-street. 
 
 No sooner was the colony once planted than 
 it took root and throve amazingly ; for it would 
 seem that this thrice favoured island is like a mu- 
 nificent dung-hill, where every foreig]! weed finds 
 kindly nourishment, and soon shoots up and ex- 
 pands to greatness. 
 
 And now the infant settlement having advanced 
 in age and stature, it was thought high time it 
 should receive an honest Christian name, and it 
 was accordingly called New-Amsterlam. It is 
 true there were some advocates for the original 
 
146 FEUDS BREAK OUT BETWEEN 
 
 Indian name, and many of the best writers of the 
 province did long continue to call it by the title of 
 *'The Manhattoes;" but this was discountenanced 
 by the authorities, as being heathenish and savage. 
 Besides, it was considered an excellent and praise- 
 worthy measure to name it after a great city of the 
 old world; as by that means it was induced to emu- 
 late the greatness and renown of its namesake — - 
 in the manner that little snivelling urchins are call- 
 ed after great statesmen, saints, and worthies, and 
 renowned generals of yore, upon which they all 
 industriously copy their examples, and come to 
 be very mighty men in their day and generation. 
 
 The thriving state of the settlement, and the ra- 
 pid increase of houses gradually awakened the good 
 Oioffe from a deep lethargy, into which he had 
 fallen after the building of the fort. He now began 
 to think it was time some plan should be devised, 
 on which the increasingtownshouldbe built. Sum- 
 moning, therefore, his counsellors and coadjutors 
 together, they took pipe in mouth, and forthwith 
 3unk into a very sound deliberation on the subject. 
 
 Atthe very outset of the business an unexpected 
 difference of opinion arose, and I mention it with 
 much sorrowing, as being the first altercation on 
 record in the councils of New- Amsterdam. It was 
 a breaking forth of the grudge and heartburning 
 that had existed between those two eminent bur- 
 ghers, Mynhers Tenbroeck and Hardenbroeck, 
 ever since their unhappy altercation on the coast of 
 
TOUGH BREECHES AND TEN BREECHES. 147 
 
 Bellevuc. The great Hardeubroeck had waxed 
 very wealthy and powerful^ from his domains, 
 which embraced the whole chain of Apulean 
 mountains that stretched along the gulf of Kip's 
 Bay, and from part of which his descendants 
 have been expelled in latter ages by the power- 
 ful clans of the Jones's and the Schermerhorns. 
 An ingenious plan for the city was offered by 
 Mynher Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should 
 be cut up and intersected by canals, after the 
 manner of the most admired cities in Holland. To 
 this Mynher Hardenbroeck was diametrically op- 
 posed, suggesting in place thereof, that they should 
 run out docks and wharves, by means of piles 
 driven into the bottom of the river, on which the 
 town should be built. By these means, said he 
 triumphantly, shall we rescue a considerable 
 space of territory from these immense rivers, and 
 build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice, 
 or any amphibious city in Europe. To this pro- 
 position, Ten Broeck (or Ten Breeches) rephed, 
 with a look of as much scorn as he could possi- 
 bly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the 
 plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and 
 against the very order of things, as he would leave 
 to every true Hollander. '"For what," said he, 
 " is a town without canals ? — it is like a body with- 
 out veins and arteries, and must perish for want 
 of a free circulation of the vital fluid." — Tough 
 Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sar- 
 
148 THE ALTERCATION. 
 
 casm upon \vs antagonist, who was somewhat of 
 an arid, dry boned t^abit ; he remarked, that as to 
 the circulation of the blood being necessary to 
 existence, Mynher Ten Breeches was a living 
 contradiction to his own assertion ; for every bo- 
 dy knew there had not a drop of blood circulated 
 through his wind-dried carcase for good ten years, 
 and yet there w^as not a gieater busy body in the 
 whole colony. Personalities have seldom much 
 effect in making converts in argument — nor have 
 I ever seen a man convinced of error by being 
 convjcied of deformity. At least such w^as not 
 the case at present. Ten Breeches was very ac- 
 rimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who 
 was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the 
 last word, rejoined wath increasing spirit — Ten 
 Breeches had the advantage of the greatest volu- 
 bihty, but Tough Breeches had that invaluable 
 coat of mail in argument called obstinacy — Ten 
 Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but 
 Tough Breeches the best bottom — so that though 
 Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his 
 ears, and battered and belaboured him with liard 
 words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches 
 hung on most resolutely to the last. They part- 
 ed, therefore, as is usual in ail arguments where 
 both parties are in the right, without coming to 
 any conclusioii — b jt they hated each other most 
 heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with 
 that between the houses of Capulet and Monta- 
 
THE city's picturesque IRREGULARITY. 149 
 
 gue, did ensue between the families of Ten 
 Breeches and Tough Breeches. 
 
 I would not fatigue my reader with these dull 
 matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful his- 
 torian, requires that I should be particular — and 
 in truth, as I am now treating of the critical pe- 
 riod, when our city, like a young twig, first 
 received the twists and turns that have since 
 contributed to give it the present picturesque 
 irregularity for which it is celebrated, I cannot 
 be too minute in detailing their first causes. 
 
 After the unhappy altercation I have just men- 
 tioned, I do not find that any thing farther was 
 said on the subject worthy of being recorded. 
 The council, consisting of the largest and oldest 
 heads in the community, met regularly once a 
 week, to ponder on this momentous subject. — 
 But either they were deterred by the war of 
 words they had witnessed, or they were natural- 
 ly averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the 
 consequent exercise of the brains — certain it is, 
 the most profound silence was maintained — the 
 question as usual lay on the table — the members 
 quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, 
 without ever enforcing any, and in the mean 
 time the affairs of the settlement went on — as it 
 pleased God. 
 
 As most of the council were but little skilled ia 
 the mystery of combining pot hooks and hangers, 
 they determined most judiciously not to puzzle 
 
150 GROWTH OF THE TOWN. 
 
 either themselves or posterity with voluminous re- 
 coMs. The secretary, however, kept the minutes 
 of the council with tolerable precision, in a large 
 vellum folio, fastened w^ith massj brass clasps ; 
 the journal of each meeting consisted but of two 
 lines, stating in Dutch, that, "the council sat this 
 day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs of 
 the colony." — By which it appears that the first 
 settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but 
 pipes, in the same manner as they measure dis- 
 tances in Holland at this very time; an admirably 
 exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a 
 true born Dutchman is never liable to those acci- 
 dents and irregularities that are continually put- 
 ting our clocks out of order. 
 
 In this manner did the profound council of 
 New- Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, 
 from week to week, month to month, and year to 
 year, in what manner they should construct their 
 infant settlement — mean while, the town took 
 care of itself, and like a sturdy brat which is suf- 
 fered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and 
 bandages, and other abominations by which your 
 notable nurses and sage old women cripple and 
 disfigure the children of men, increased so rapid- 
 ly in strength and magnitude, that before the ho- 
 nest burgomasters had determined upon a plan, 
 it was too late to put it in execution — whereupon 
 they wisely abandoned the subject altogether. 
 
THE CITY WAXES GREAT. \bl 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 How the city of J^ew -Amsterdam waxed great, 
 under the protection of 01 off e the Dreamer, 
 
 There is something exceedingly delusive in 
 thus looking back, throughthelongvistaof depart- 
 *edjears,andcatchingaglimpseof the fairy realms 
 of antiquity that lie beyond. Like some goodly 
 landscape melting into distance, they receive a 
 thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the 
 fancy delights to fill up their outlines with graces 
 and excellencies of its own creation. Thus beam 
 on my imagination those happier days of our city, 
 when as yet New- Amsterdam was a mere pastoral 
 town, shrouded in groves of sycamore and wil- 
 lows, and surrounded by trackless forests and 
 w^ide spreading waters, that seemed to shut out 
 all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. 
 
 In those days did this embryo city present the 
 rare and noble spectacle of a community governed 
 without laws; and thus being left to its own course, 
 and the fostering care of Providence, increased as 
 rapidly as though it had beenburthened with a do- 
 zen panniers full of those sage laws thatare usual- 
 ly heaped on the backs of young cities — in order 
 to make them grow. And in this particular I great- 
 
152 DISADVANTAGES OP LAWS. 
 
 ly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of 
 human nature, displayed by the sage Oloffe the 
 Dreamer, and his fellow legislators. For my part 
 I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many 
 of my brother philosophers. I do not think poor 
 human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship as 
 they would make it out to be ; and as far as I have 
 observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to 
 himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. 
 It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that 
 it is his duty to go right, that makes him go the 
 very reverse. The noble independence of his 
 nature revolts at this intolerable tyranny of law, 
 and the perpetual interference of officious mora- 
 lity, which is ever besetting his path with finger 
 posts and directions to " keep to the right, as the 
 law directs ;" and like a spirited urchin, he turns 
 directly contrary, and gallops through mud and 
 mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show 
 that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading 
 strings. And these opinions are amply substantia- 
 ted by what I have above said of our worthy an- 
 cestors ; who never being be-preached and be- 
 lectured, and guided and governed by statutes 
 and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlight- 
 ened descendants, did one and all demean them- 
 selves honestl}^ and peaceably, out of pure igno- 
 rance, or in other words — because they knew no 
 belter. 
 
 Nor must 1 omit to record one of the earhest 
 measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it 
 
PIETY T0WARDS ST. NICHOtAS. 153 
 
 shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, hke 
 good Christians, they were always ready to serve 
 God, after they had first served themselves. Thus, 
 having quietly settled themselves down, and pro- 
 vided for their own comfort, they bethought them- 
 selves of testifying their gratitude to the great 
 and good St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in 
 guiding them to this delectable abode. To this 
 end they built a fair and goodly chapel within the 
 fort, which they consecrated to his name ; where- 
 upon he immediately took the town of New-Am- 
 sterdam under his pecuhar patronage, and he has 
 even since been, and I devoutly hope will ever 
 be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. 
 
 I am moreover told that there is a little legend- 
 ary book, somewhere extant, written in Low 
 Dutch, which says, that the image of this renown- 
 ed saint, which whilome graced the bowsprit of 
 the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in front of this 
 chapel, in the very centre ofwhat, in modern days, 
 is called the Bowling Green. And the legend 
 further treats of divers miracles wrought by the 
 mighty pipe, which the saint held in his mouth ; 
 a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an indi- 
 gestion — an invaluable relic in this colony of 
 brave trenchermen. As, however, in spite of tlie 
 most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon 
 ihis little book, I must confess that I ejitertain 
 considerable doubt on the subject. 
 
 Thus benignly fostered by the good St» Nicho*- 
 
 VOr. T. 1 ^i 
 
154 EXTENT OF THE COLONY. 
 
 las, the burghers of New- Amsterdam beheld their 
 settlement increase in magnitude and population, 
 and soon become the metropolis of divers settle- 
 ments, and an extensive territory. Already had 
 the disastrous pride of colonies and dependencies, 
 those banes of a sound hearted empire, entered in- 
 to their imaginations ; and Fort Aurania on the 
 Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, and Fort 
 Goede Hoep on the Connecticut river, seemed to 
 be the darling offspring of the venerable council.* 
 Thus prosperously, to all appearance, did the 
 province of New-Netherlands advance in power; 
 and the early history of its metropolis presents a 
 fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. 
 
 Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the 
 tangled forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled 
 part of the island — the hunter pitched his rude 
 
 * The province, about this time, extended on the north 
 to Fort Aurania, or Orang-e (now the city of Alhany,) si- 
 tuated about 160 miles up the Hudson river. Indeed the 
 province claimed quite to the river St. Lawrence ; but 
 this claim was not much insisted on at the time, as the 
 country beyond Fort Aurania was a perfect wilderness. 
 On the south the province reached to Fort Nassau, on the 
 south river, since called the Delaware — and on the east 
 it extended to the Varshe (or fresh) river, now the C-on- 
 necticut. On this last frontier was likewise erected a 
 Fort or trading- house, much about the spot where at pre- 
 sent is situated the pleasant town of Hartford. This was 
 called Fort Good Hoop, (or Good Hope) and was intend- 
 ed as well for the purpose of trade, as of defence. 
 
SAVAGES DOMESTIC EXAMPLES. 155 
 
 bower of skins and bark beside the rills that ran 
 through the cool and shady glens, while here and 
 tiiere might be seen on some simny knoll, a group 
 of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose above the 
 neighbouring trees, and floated in the transpafent 
 atmosphere. By degrees a mutual good will had 
 grown up between these wandering beings and 
 the burghers of New- Amsterdam. Our benevo- 
 lent forefathers endeavoured as much as possible 
 to ameliorate their situation, by giving them gin, 
 rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their pel- 
 tries; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen 
 had conceived a great friendship for their savage 
 neighbours, on account of their being pleasant 
 men to trade with, and little skilled in the art of 
 making a bargain. 
 
 Now and then a crew of these half human sons 
 of the forest would make their appearance in the 
 streets of New- Amsterdam, fantastically painted 
 and decorated with beads and flaunting feathers, 
 sauntering about with an air of listless indifference 
 — sometimes in the market-place, instructing the 
 little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and arrow 
 —at other times, inflamed with liquor, swaggering 
 and whooping and yelling about the town like so 
 many fiends, to the great dismay of all the good 
 wives, who would hurry their children into the 
 house, fasten the doors, and throw water upon the 
 enemy from the garret windows. It is worthy o{' 
 mention here, that our forefathers were very par- 
 
i5t) MY grandmother's war. 
 
 ticular in holding up these wild men as excellent 
 domestic examples — and for reasons that may be 
 gathered from the history of master Ogilby, who 
 tells us, that "for the least offence the bridegroom' 
 roundly beats his wife and turns her out of doors^ 
 and marries another, insomuch that some of thenat 
 ha\ e every year a new wife." Whether this aw* 
 ful example had any influence or not, history does 
 not mention ; but it is certain that our grandmo-' 
 thers were miracles of fidelity and obedience. 
 
 True it is, that the good understanding between 
 our ancestors and their savage neighbours, was li- 
 able to occasional interruptions, and I have heard 
 my grandmother, who was a very wise old woman, 
 and well versed in the history of these parts, tell 
 a long story of a winter's evening, about a battle 
 between the New-Amsterdammers and the In- 
 dians, which was known by the name of the 
 Peach War, and which took place near a peach 
 orchard, in a dark glen, which for a long while 
 went by the name of Murderer's valley. 
 
 The legend of this sylvan war was long current 
 among the nurses, old wives, and other ancient 
 chroniclers of the place; but time and improve- 
 ment have almost obliterated both the tradition 
 and the scene of battle ; for what was once the 
 blood stained valley is now in the centre of this 
 populous city, and known by the name of Dey- 
 street. 
 
 The accumulating wealth and consequence of 
 
A GOVERNOR AFPOINTED. 157 
 
 New- Amsterdam and its dependencies at length 
 awakened the tender soUcitude of the mother 
 country ; who finding it a thriving and opulent 
 colony, and that it promised to yield great profit, 
 and no trouble, all at once became wonderfully 
 anxious about its safety, and began tp load it with 
 tokens of regard, in the same manner that your 
 knowing people are sure to overwhelm rich rela- 
 tions with their affection and loving kindness. 
 
 The usual marks of protection shown by mother 
 countries to wealthy colonies were forthv^ith ma- 
 nifested — the first care always being to send rulers 
 to the new settlement, with orders to squeeze as 
 much revenue from it as it will yield. According- 
 ly, in the year of our Lord 1629, Mynher Wouter 
 Van Twiller was appointed governor of the 
 province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, unier the com- 
 mission and control of their High MightinesseSj 
 the Lords States General of the United Nether- 
 lands, and the privileged West India Company. 
 
 This renowned old gentleman arrived at New- 
 Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the 
 sweetest month in all the year ; when dan Apollo 
 seems to dance up the transparent firmament — 
 when the robin, the thrusli, and a thousand other 
 wanton songsters make the woods to resound with 
 amorous ditties, and the luxurious little boblincon 
 revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows 
 — all which happy coincidence persuaded -he old 
 dames of New- Amsterdam, who were skilled in 
 14* 
 
158 A PREDICTION. 
 
 the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a 
 happy and prosperous administration. 
 
 But as it would be derogatory to the conse» 
 quence of the first Dutch governor of the great 
 province of Nieuw-Nederlandts to be thus scur- 
 rily introduced at the end of a chapter, 1 will 
 put an end to this second book of my history^ 
 that I may usher him in with more dignity in the 
 lieginning of my next. 
 
BOOK in. 
 
 IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN RKICN 0? 
 WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiiler, his unpcL" 
 ralleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable wis- 
 dom in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and 
 Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration of 
 the public thereat. 
 
 Grievous and very much to be commiserated 
 is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the 
 history of his native land. If it fall to his lot to 
 be the sad recorder of calamity or crime, the 
 mournful page is watered with his tears — nor can 
 he recall the most prosperous and blissful era, 
 without a melancholy sigh at the reflection, that 
 it has passed away for ever ! I know not whether 
 it be owing to an immoderate love for the simpli- 
 city of former times, or to that certain tenderness 
 of heartincident to all sentimental historians; but 
 1 candidly confess that 1 cannot look back on the 
 
160 MELANCHOLY RErLECTlONS. 
 
 happier days of our city, which I now describe, 
 without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a fal- 
 tering hand do I withdraw the curtain of obhvion, 
 that veils the modest merit of our venerable an- 
 cestors, and as their figures rise to my mental vi- 
 sion, humble myself before the mighty shades. 
 
 • Such are my feelings when I revisit the family 
 mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lone- 
 ly hour in the chamber where hang the portraits 
 of my forefathers, shrouded in dust, like the forms 
 they represent. With pious reverence do I gaze 
 en the countenances of those renowned burghers, 
 who have preceded me in the steady march of ex- 
 istence — whose sober and temperate blood now 
 meanders through my veins, flowing slower and 
 slower in its feeble conduits, until its current 
 shall soon be stopped for ever ! 
 
 These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials 
 of the mighty men who flourished in the days of 
 the patriarchs ; but who, alas, have long since moul- 
 dered in thaf tomb, towards which my steps are 
 insensibly and irresistibly hastening! As I pace 
 the darkened chamber and lose myself in melan- 
 choly musings, the shadowy images around me al- 
 most seem to steal once more into existence — their 
 countenances to assume the animation of life — 
 their eyes to pursue me in every movement! car- 
 ried away by the delusions of fancy, I almost ima- 
 gine myself surrounded by the shades of the de- 
 parted, and hoidiiig sweet converse with the wor- 
 
GOVERfJOR WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 161 
 
 Ihies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich! bom in 
 a degenerate age, abandoned to the buffetings of 
 fortune — a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy 
 native land — blest with no weeping wife, nor fa- 
 mily of helpless children ; but doomed to wander 
 neglected through those crowded streets, and el- 
 bowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes 
 where once thine ancestors held sovereign empire ! 
 
 Let me not, however, lose the historian in the 
 man, nor suffer the doating recollections of age to 
 overcome me, while dwelling with fond garrulity 
 on the virtuous days of the patriarchs — on those 
 sweet days of simplicity and ease, which never 
 more will dawn on the lorcly island of Manna- 
 hata ! 
 
 The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twil- 
 ler, was descended from a long hne of Dutch bur- 
 gomasters, who had successively dozed away their 
 lives, and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy 
 in Rotterdam; and who had comported themselves 
 with such singular wisdom and propriety, that they 
 were never either heard or talked of — which, next 
 to being universally applauded, should be the ob- 
 ject of ambition of all sage magistrates and rulers. 
 
 His surname of Twiller, is said to be a corrup- 
 tion of the original Twijjler, which in English 
 means doubter ; a name admirably descriptive of 
 his deliberative habits. For, though he was a man 
 shut up within himself like an oyster, and of such 
 a profoundly reflective turn, that he scarcely evet 
 
162 HIS CHARACTER. 
 
 spoke except in monosyllables, yet did he never 
 make up his mind on any doubtful point. This 
 was clearly accounted for by his adherents, who 
 affirmed that he always conceived every subject 
 on so comprehensive a scale, that he had not 
 room in his head to turn it over and examine both 
 sides of it, so that he always remained in doubt^ 
 merely in consequence of the astonishing magni- 
 tude of his ideas ! 
 
 There are two opposite ways by which some men 
 get into notice — one by talking a vast deal and 
 thinking a little, and the other by holding their 
 tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many 
 a vapouring superficial pretender acquires the re- 
 putation of a man of quick parts — by the other, 
 many a vacant dunderpate, like the owl, the stu- 
 pidest of birds, comes to be complimented by a 
 discerning world with all the attributes of wisdom. 
 This, by the way, is a mere casual remark, which 
 I would not for the universe have it thought I apply 
 to Governor Van Twiller. On the contrary, he was 
 a very wise Dutchman, for he never said a foolish 
 thing — and of such invincible gravity, that he was 
 never known to laugh, or even to smile, through 
 the course of a long and prosperous life. Certain, 
 however, it is, there never was a matter proposed, 
 however simple, and on which your common nar- 
 row minded mortals would rashly determine at 
 the first glance, but what the renowned Wouter 
 put on a mighty mysterious, vacant kind of look, 
 
HIS PERS0N. 163 
 
 «hook his capacious head, and having smoked for 
 five minutes with redoubled earnestness, sagelj 
 observed, that "he had his doubts about the mat- 
 ter" — which in process of time gained him the 
 character of a man slow of belief, and not easilj 
 imposed on. 
 
 The person of this illustrious old gentleman was 
 as regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as 
 though it had been moulded by the hands of some 
 cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty 
 and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet 
 six inches in height, and six feet five inches in cir- 
 cumference. His head was a perfect sphere, and 
 of such stupendous dimensions, that dame nature 
 with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puz- 
 zled to construct a neck capable of supporting it; 
 wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and 
 settled it firmly on the top of his back bone, just 
 between the shoulders. His body was of an ob- 
 longform, particularly capacious at bottom ; which 
 was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing thathe 
 was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to 
 the idle labour of walking. His legs, though ex- 
 ceeding short, were sturdy in proportion to the 
 weight they had to sustain ; so that when erect he 
 had not a little the appearance of a robustious 
 beer barrel, standing on skids. His face, that in- 
 fallible index of the mind, presented a vast ex- 
 panse, perfectly unfurrowed or deformed by any 
 of those lines and angles which disfigure the hu- 
 
164 Mis HABITS. 
 
 man countenance with what is termed expression. 
 Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, 
 like two stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy fir- 
 mament; and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to 
 have taken toll of every thing that went into his 
 mouth, were curious mottled and streaked with 
 dusky red, like a spitzenberg apple. 
 
 His habits were as regular as his person. He 
 daily took his four stated meals, appropriating ex- 
 actly an hour to each; he smoked and doubted 
 eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of 
 the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned 
 Wouter Van Twiller — a true philosopher, for his 
 mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly 
 settled below, the cares and perplexities of this 
 world. He had lived in it for years, without feel- 
 ing the least curiosity to know whether the sun 
 revolved round it, or it round the sun ; and he had 
 watched, for at least half a century, the smoke 
 curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once 
 troubling his head with any of those numerous 
 theories, by which a philosopher would have per- 
 plexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above 
 the surrounding atmosphere. 
 
 In his council he presided with great state and 
 solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid oak 
 hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabri- 
 cated by an experienced timmerman of Amster- 
 dam, and curiously carved about the arms and 
 feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's 
 
HIS BEHAVIOUR IN THE GdUNCIL. 165 
 
 claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long 
 Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, 
 which had been presented to a stadtholder of 
 Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty with one 
 of the petty Barbary powers. — In this stat^ely 
 chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe 
 would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a 
 constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours to- 
 gether upon a little print of Amsterdam, which 
 hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of 
 the council chamber. Nay, it has even been said, 
 that when any deliberation of extraordinary length 
 and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned 
 Wonter would absolutely shut his eyes for full 
 two hours at a time, that he might not be disturb- 
 ed by external objects — and at such times the in- 
 ternal commotion of his mind was evinced, bjf 
 certain regular guttural sounds, which his admi- 
 rers declared were merely the noise of conflict, 
 made by his contending doubts and opinions. 
 
 It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled 
 to collect these biographical anecdotes of the 
 great man under consideration. The facts re- 
 specting him were so scattered and vague, and 
 divers of them so questionable in point of au- 
 thenticity, that I have had to give up the search 
 after many, and decline the admission of still 
 more, which would have tended to heighten tlie 
 colouring of his portrait. 
 
 vor,. I. 1.5 
 
166 CASE OF SCHOONHOVEN V, BLEECKER. 
 
 I have been the more anxious to deUneate fully 
 the person and habits of the renowned Van Twil- 
 ler, from the consideration that he was not only 
 the first, but also the best governor that ever pre- 
 sided over this ancient and respectable province; 
 and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that 
 I do not find throughout the whole of it, a single 
 instance of any offender being brought to punish- 
 ment — a most indubitable sign of a merciful go- 
 vernor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the 
 reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it 
 is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal 
 descendant. 
 
 The very outset of the career of this excellent 
 magistrate was distinguished by an example of le- 
 gal acumen, that gave flattering presage of a wise 
 and equitable administration. The morning after 
 he had been solemnly installed in office, and at 
 the moment that he was making his breakfast 
 from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk 
 and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted 
 by the appearance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, 
 a very important old burgher of New-Amster- 
 dam, who complained bitterly of one Barent 
 Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudulently refused to 
 come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that 
 there was a heavy balance in favour of the said 
 Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have al- 
 ready observed, was a man of few words, he was 
 likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writings — 
 
SUMMARY PROCESS. 167 
 
 or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having lis- 
 tened attentively to the statement of Wandle 
 Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he 
 shovelled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his 
 mouth — either as a sign that he relished the 
 dish, or comprehended the story — he called unto 
 him his constable, and pulling out of his breeches 
 pocket a huge jack-knife, despatched it after the 
 defendant as a summons, accompanied by his to- 
 bacco box as a warrant. 
 
 This summary process was as effectual in those 
 simple days as was the seal ring of the great Ha- 
 roun Alraschid among the true behevers. The 
 two parties being confronted before him, each 
 produced a book of accounts, written in a lan- 
 guage and character that would have puzzled any 
 but a High Dutch commentator, or a learned de- 
 cjpherer of Egyptian obelisks to understand. 
 The sage Wouter took them one after the other, 
 and having poised them in his hands, and atten- 
 tively counted over the number of leaves, fell 
 straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked 
 for half an hour without saying a word ; at length, 
 laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his 
 eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has 
 just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly 
 took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a co- 
 lumn of tobacco smoke, and with marvellous gra- 
 vity and solenmity pronounced — that having 
 carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the 
 books, it was found, that one was just as thick 
 
168 THE eOVERNOR's DECISieX. 
 
 and as heavy as the othe r — therefore it was the 
 final opinion of the court that the accounts were 
 equally balanced — therefore Wandle should give 
 Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle 
 a receipt — and the constable should pay the costs. 
 This decision being straightway made known, 
 diifused general joy throughout New-Amsterdam, 
 for the people immediately perceived, that they 
 had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule 
 over them. But its happiest etlect was, that not 
 another law suit took place throughout the whole 
 of his administration — and the office of constable 
 fell into such decay, that there was not one of 
 those losel scouts known in the province for many 
 years. I am the more particular in dwelling on 
 this transaction, not only because I deem it one 
 of the most sage and righteous judgments on re- 
 cord, and well worthy the attention of modern 
 magistrates, but because itwas a miraculous event 
 in the history of the renowned Wouter — being 
 the only time he was ever known to come to a do-- 
 vision in the whole course of his life. 
 
POWER or THE GOVERNORS, 169 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Containing some account of the grand council of 
 J^ew-Jlmsterdam, as also divers especial good 
 philosophical reasons why an alderman should 
 be fat — with other particulars touching the state- 
 of the province. 
 
 In treating of the early governors of the pro- 
 vince, I must caution my readers against confound- 
 ing them, in point of dignity a«d power, with those 
 worthy gentlemen, who are whimsically denomi- 
 nated governors in this enlightened republic — a 
 set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in 
 fact the most dependent, hen-pecked beings in the 
 community : doomed to bear the secret goadings 
 and corrections of their own party, and the sneers 
 and revilings of the whole world beside. Set up, 
 like geese at Christmas holidays, to be pelted and 
 shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the 
 land. On the contrary, the Dutch governors en- 
 joyed that uncontrolled authority, vested in all 
 commanders of distant colonies or territories* 
 They were in a manner absolute despots in their 
 little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over both 
 law and gospel, and accountable to none bat the 
 mother country ; which it is well known is asto- 
 15* 
 
170 THE GRAND COUNCIL.. 
 
 nishiiigly deaf to all complaints against its gover- 
 nors, provided thej discharge the main duty of 
 their stadon — squeezing outagood revenue. This 
 hint will be of importance, to prevent my readers 
 from being seized with doubt and incredulity, 
 whenever, in the course of this authentic history, 
 they encounter the uncommon circumstance of 
 a governor acting with independence, and in op- 
 position to the opinions of the multitude. 
 
 To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous 
 business of legislation, a board of magistrates was 
 appointed, which presided immediately over the 
 police. This potent body consisted of a schout 
 or bailifT, with powers between those of the pre- 
 sent mayor and sheriff — five burgermeesters, who 
 were equivalent to aldermen, and five schepens, 
 who officiated as scrubs, subdevils,or bottle-hold- 
 ers to the burgermeesters, in the same manner as 
 do assistant aldermen to their principals at the 
 present day; it being their duty to fill the pipes of 
 the lordly burgermeesters — hunt the markets for 
 delicacies for corporation dinners, and to discharge 
 such other little offices of kindness as were occa- 
 sionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly un- 
 derstood, though not specifically enjoined, that 
 they should consider themselves as butts for the 
 blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh 
 most heartily at all their jokes ; but this last was a 
 duty as rarely called in action in those days as it 
 is at present, and was shortly remitted, in conse- 
 
PRIVILEGES OP SCHEPENS. 17^ 
 
 queiice of the tragical death of a fat httle schepea 
 —who actually died of suflbcation in an unsuc- 
 cessful effort to force a laugh at one of burger- 
 meester Van Zandt's best jokes. 
 
 In return for these humble services, they were 
 permitted to say yes and no at the council board, 
 and to have that enviable privilege, the run of the 
 public kitchen — being graciously permitted to eat, 
 and drink, and smoke, at all those snug junket- 
 tings and pubKc gormandizings, for which the an- 
 cient magistrates were equally famous with their 
 modern successors. The post of schepen, there- 
 fore, like that of assistant alderman, was eagerly 
 coveted by all your burghers of a certain descrip- 
 tion, who have a huge relish for good feeding, and 
 an humble ambition to be great men in a small 
 way — -who thirst after a little brief authority, that 
 shall render them the terror of the alms house 
 and the bridewell — that shall enable them to lord 
 it over obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast 
 prostitution, and hunger driven dishonesty — that 
 shall give to their beck a hound-like pack of 
 catch-poles and bum-bailiffs — tenfold greater 
 rogues than the culprits they hunt down! — My 
 readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I 
 confess is unbecoming of a grave historian — but 
 I have a mortal antipathy to catch-poles, bum- 
 bailiffs, and little great men. 
 
 The ancient magistrates of this city correspond- 
 ed with those of the 7)resent time no less in form. 
 
172 WHY AN ALDERMAN SHOULD BE PAT, 
 
 magnitude, and intellect, than in prerogative and 
 privilege. The burgomasters, like our aldermen, 
 were generally chosen by weight — and not only 
 the weight of the body, but likewise the weight of 
 the head. It is a maxim practically observed in 
 all honest, plain thinking, regular cities, that an 
 alderman should be fat — and the wisdom of this 
 can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in 
 some measure an image of the mind, or rather that 
 the mind is moulded to-the body, like melted lead 
 to the clay in which it is cast, has been insisted 
 on by many philosophers, who have made human 
 nature their peculiar study — For as a learned gen- 
 tleman of our own city observes, "there is a con- 
 stant relation between the moral character of all 
 intelligent creatures, and their physical constitu- 
 tion — between their habits and the structure of 
 their bodies." Thus we see, that a lean, spare, 
 diminutive body, is generally accompanied by a 
 petulant, restless, meddling mind — either the mind 
 wears down the body, by its continual motion; or 
 else the body, not affording the mind sufficient 
 house-room, keeps it continuallv in a state of fret- 
 fulness, tossing and worrying about from the un- 
 easiness of its situation. Whereas your round, 
 sleek, fat, unwjeldy periphery is ever attended by 
 a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease; 
 and we may always observe, that your well fed, 
 robustious burghers, are in general very tenacious 
 ©f their ease and comfort; being great enemies to 
 
AN alderman's three SOULS. 173 
 
 noise, discord, and disturbance — and surely none 
 are more likely to study the public tranquillity 
 than those who are so careful of their own. Who 
 ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding 
 together in turbulent mobs ? — no — no — it is your 
 lean, hungry men, who are continually worrying 
 society, and setting the whole commuity by the 
 ears. 
 
 The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not suffi- 
 ciently attended to by philosophers of the present 
 age, allows to everyman three souls — one immor- 
 tal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may 
 overlook and regulate the body — a second consist- 
 ing of the surly and irascible passions, which, like 
 belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart 
 — a third mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, 
 gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained 
 in the belly, that it may not disturb the divine 
 soul, by its ravenous bowlings. Now, according 
 to this excellent theory, what can be more clear, 
 than that your fat alderman is most likely to have 
 the most regular and well conditioned mind. His 
 head is like a huge, spherical chamber, containing 
 a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the ra- 
 tional soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a 
 feather bed; and the eyes, which are the windows 
 of the bed chamber, are usually half closed, that 
 its slumberings may not be disturbed by external 
 objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged, and 
 protected from disturbance, is manifestly most- 
 
174 Charlemagne's hungry judges. 
 
 likely to perform its functions with regularity and 
 ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the 
 mortal and malignant soul, which is confined in the 
 belly, and which, by its raging and roaring, puts 
 the irritable soul in the neighbourhood of the heart 
 in an intolerable passion, and thus renders men 
 crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is complete- 
 ly pacified, silenced, and put to rest — whereupon 
 a host of honest good fellow qualities and kind 
 hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slyly 
 peeping out of the loop holes of the heart, finding 
 this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn 
 out one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol 
 up and down the diaphragm — disposing their pos- 
 sessor to laughter, good humour, and a thousand 
 friendly offices towards his fellow mortals. 
 
 As a board of magistrates, formed on this mo- 
 del, think but very little, they are the less likely 
 to differ and wrangle about favourite opinions — 
 and as they generally transact business upon a 
 hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to be 
 lenient and indulgent in the administration of 
 their duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, 
 and therefore (a pitiful measure, for which I can 
 never forgive him) ordered in his cartularies, that 
 no judge should hold a court of justice, except in 
 the morning, on an empty stomach. — A rule which, 
 I warrant, bore hard upon all the poor culprits in 
 his kingdom. The more enlightened and humane 
 generation of the present day have taken an op- 
 
MO^ TO EAT YOURSELF INTO OPPICB, 175' 
 
 posite course, and have so managed, that the al- 
 dermen are the best fed men in the community ; 
 feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and 
 gorging so heartily oysters and turtles, that in pro- 
 cess of time they acquire the activity of the one, 
 and the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the 
 other. The consequence is, as I have just said, 
 these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet 
 equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and 
 irrational, that their transactions are proverbial 
 for unvarying monotony — and the profound laws 
 which they enact in their dozing moments, arnid 
 the labours of digestion, are quietly suliered to 
 remain as dead letters, and never enforced, when 
 awake. la a word, your fair round-bellied burgo- 
 master, like a full fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the 
 house-door, always at home, and always at hand 
 to watch over its safety — but as to electing a lean, 
 meddling candidate to the office, as has now and 
 then been done, I would as leave put a greyhound 
 to watch the house, or a race horse to drag an ox 
 waggon. 
 
 The burgomasters then, as I have already men- 
 tioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the 
 schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed 
 to attend upon them, and help them eat ; but the 
 latter, in the course of time, when they had been 
 fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of hody and 
 drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candi- 
 dates for the burgomasters' chairs, having fairly 
 
176 HOW TO EAT YOURSELF INTO OFFICE. 
 
 eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his 
 way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, 
 blue-nosed, skimmed milk, New-England cheese. 
 
 Nothing could equal the profound deliberations 
 that took place between the renowned Wouter, 
 and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the 
 sage divans of some of our modern corporations. 
 They would sit for hours smoking and dozing over 
 public affairs, without speaking a word to inter- 
 rupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep 
 reflection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van 
 Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the in- 
 fant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually 
 emerging from the swamps and forests, and exhi- 
 biting that mingled appearance of town and coun- 
 try, customary in new cities, and which at this 
 day may be witnessed in the city of Washington ; 
 that immense metropolis, which makes so glori- 
 ous an appearance on paper. 
 
 It was a pleasing sight in those times, to behold 
 the honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seat- 
 ed on the -bench at the door of his white-washed 
 house, under the shade of some gigantic sycamore 
 or over-hanging willow. Here would he smoke 
 his pipe of a sultry afternoon, enjoying the soft 
 southern breeze, and listening with silent gratu- 
 lation to the clucking of his hens, the cackling of 
 his geese, and the sonorous grunting of his swine ; 
 that combination of farm-yard melody, which may 
 truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as 
 
- PARM-YARD MELODY. 177 
 
 it conveys a certain assurance of profitable mar- 
 keting. 
 
 The modern spectator, who wanders through 
 the streets of this populous city, can scarcely form 
 an idea of the different appearance they present- 
 ed in the primitive days of the Doubter. The 
 busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of revelry, the 
 rumbling equipages of fashion, the rattling of ac- 
 cursed carts, and all the spirit grieving sounds of 
 brawling commerce, were unknown in the settle- 
 ment of New- Amsterdam. The grass grew quiet- 
 ly in the high ways— the bleating sheep and fro- 
 licksome calves sported about the verdant ridge, 
 where now the Broadway loungers take their morn- 
 ing stroll— the cunningfox orravenous wolf skulk- 
 ed in the woods, where now are to be seen tl\c 
 dens bf Gomez and his righteous fraternity of mo- 
 ney brokers— and flocks of vociferous geese cack- 
 led about the fields, where now the great Tam- 
 many wigwam and the patriotic tavern of Mart- 
 hng echo with the wranglings of the mob. 
 
 In these good times did a true and enviable 
 equality of rank and property prevail, equally re- 
 moved from the arrogance of wealth, and the ser- 
 vihty and heart-burnings of repining poverty— and 
 v/hat m my n)ind is still more conducive to tran- 
 quiilitf and harmony amongfriends, a happy equa- 
 lity of intellect was likewise to be seen. The 
 minds of the good burghers of New-Amsterdam 
 seemed all to have been cast in one mould, and 
 
 VOL. I. 10 ' 
 
178 BLESSINGS OF IGNORANCE. 
 
 to be those honest, blunt minds, which, hke cer- 
 tain manufactures, are made by the gross, and con- 
 sidered as exceedingly good for common use. 
 
 Thus it happens that your true dull minds are 
 generally preferred for public employ, and espe- 
 cially promoted to city honours ; your keen intel- 
 lects, like razors, being considered too sharp for 
 common service. I know that it is common to 
 rail at the unequal distribution of riches, as the 
 greatsource of jealousies, broils, and heart-break- 
 ings ; whereas, for my part, I verily believe it is 
 the sad inequality of intellect that prevails, that 
 embroils communities more than any thing else ; 
 and i have remarked that 3 our knowing people, 
 who are so much wiser than any body else, are 
 eternally keeping societ}^ in a ferment. Happily 
 for New-Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was 
 known within its walls — the very words of learn- 
 ing, education, taste, and talents were unheard of 
 — a bright genius was an animal unknown, and a 
 blue stocking lady would have been regarded with 
 as much wonder as a homed frog or a fiery dra- 
 gon. No man in fact seemed to know more than 
 his neighbour, nor any man to know more than an 
 honest man ought to know, who has nobody's bu- 
 siness to mind but his own ; the parson and the' 
 council clerk were the only men that could read 
 in the community, and the sage Van Twiller al- 
 ways signed his name with a cross. 
 
HAPPY STATE OF THE COLON Y. 17-9 
 
 Tlirice happy and ever to be envied little 
 Burgh! existing in all the security of harmless 
 insignificance — unnoticed and unevied by the 
 world, without ambition, without vain glory, 
 without riches, without learning, and all their 
 train of cai-king cares — and as of yore, in the bet- 
 ter days of man, the deities were vront to visit 
 him on earth and bless his rural habitations, so we 
 are told, in the sylvan days of New-Amsterdam^ 
 the good St. Nicholas would often make his ap- 
 pearance in his belo- ed city, of a holiday after- 
 noon,*riding joUily among the tree tops, or over 
 the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing 
 forth magnificent presents from his breeches 
 pockets, and dropping them down the chimneys 
 of his favourites. Whereas in these degenerate 
 days of iron and brass he never shows us the light 
 of his countenance, nor ever visits us, save one 
 night in the year; when he rattles down the chim- 
 neys of the^ descendants of the patriarchs, con- 
 fining his presents merely to the children, in to- 
 ken of the degeneracy of the parents. 
 
 Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of 
 a fat government. The province of the New-Ne- 
 therlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet 
 tranquillity that wealth could nerer purchase. 
 There were neither public commotions, nor pri- 
 vate quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, nor 
 schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials, nor pun- 
 ishments; nor w^re there counsellors, attorneys. 
 
a 80 HAPPY STATE OF THE COLONi. 
 
 catch-poles, or hangmen. Every man attended 
 to what httle business he was hicky enough to 
 have, or neglected it if he pleased, without asking 
 the opinion of his neighbour. In those days no- 
 body meddled with concerns above his compre- 
 hension, nor thrust his nose into other people's 
 affairs; nor neglected to correct his own conduct, 
 aiigd reform his own character, in his zeal to pull 
 to pieces the characters of o.thers — but in a word, 
 every respectable citizen eat when he was not 
 liungry, drank when be was not thirsty, and went 
 regular to bed when the sun set, and the' fov, Is 
 went to roost, whether he were sleepy or not ; all 
 which tended so remarkably to the population of 
 the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife 
 throughout New- Amsterdam made a point of en- 
 riching her husband with at least one child a year, 
 and very often a brace— this superabundance of 
 good things clearly constituting the true luxury of 
 life, according to the favourite Dutch^axim, that 
 *' more than enough constitutes a feast." Every 
 thing, therefore, went on exactly as it should do, 
 and in the usual words employed by historians to 
 express the welfore of a country, "the profound- 
 est tranqwUiti/ and irposc reigned throughout the 
 province,'- 
 
MANIFOLD TASTES OF READERS. 181 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 How the town of New-Amsterdam arose out of 
 mud, and came to be marvellously polished and 
 polite — together with a picture of the manne^ 
 of our great great grandfathers. 
 
 Manifold are the tastes and dispositions of the 
 enhghtened Uterati, who turn over the pages of 
 history. Some there be whose hearts are brim full 
 of the yest of courage, and whose bosoms do 
 work, and swell, and foam, with untried valour, 
 like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain, 
 fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This 
 doughty class of readers can be satisfied with no- 
 thing but bloody battles, and horrible encounters* 
 they must be continually storming forts, sacking 
 cities, springing mines, marching up to the muz- 
 zles of cannon, charging bayonet through every 
 page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. 
 Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ar- 
 dent imagination, and who, withal, are a little 
 given to the marvellous, will dwell with won- 
 drous satisfaction on descriptions of prodigies, un- 
 heard of events, hair-breadth escapes, hardy ad- 
 ventures, and all those astonishing narrations, that 
 justamble along the boundary line of possibiiity, — 
 16* 
 
182 MANIFOLD TASTES OF READERS. 
 
 A third class, who, not to speak sUghtly of them* 
 are of a hghter turn, and skim over the records 
 of past times, as they do over the edifjing pages 
 of a novel, merely for relaxation and innocent 
 amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, exe- 
 cutions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, confla- 
 grations, murders, and all the other catalogue of 
 ^pdeous crimes, that like cayenne in cookery, do 
 give a pungency and flavour to the dull detail of 
 history — while a fourth class, of more philosophic 
 habits, do diligently pore over the musty chroni- 
 cles of time, to investigate the operations of the 
 human kind, and watch the gradual changes in 
 men and manners, effected by the progress of 
 knowledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the in- 
 fluence of situation. 
 
 If the three first classes find but little where- 
 withal to solace themselves in the tranquil reign 
 of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert 
 their patience foK a while, and bear with the te- 
 dious picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, 
 which my duty as a faithful historian obliges me 
 to draw; and I promise them that as soon as I can 
 possibly light upon anything horrible, uncommon, 
 or impossible, it shall go hard but I will make it 
 afford them entertainment. This being premised, 
 I turn with great complacency to the fourth class 
 of my readers, who are men, or, if possible, wo- 
 men after my own heart; grave, philosophical, and 
 investigating ; fond of analyzing characters, of ta- 
 
SOMETHING HORRIBLE PROMISED. 183 
 
 king a start from first causes, and so hunting'a na- 
 tion down, through all the mazes of innovation 
 and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious 
 to witness the first development of the newlj 
 hatched colony, and the primitive manners and 
 customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during 
 the halcyon reign of Van Twiiler or the Doubter. 
 
 I will not grievQiitheir patience, however, by de- 
 scribing minutely the increase and improvement 
 of New-Amsterdam. Their own imaginations 
 will doubtless present to them the good burghers, 
 like so many pains-taking and persevering bea- 
 vers, slowly and surely pursuing their labours — 
 they will behold the prosperous transformation 
 from the rude log hut to the stately Dutch man- 
 sion, with brick front, glazed windows, and tiled 
 roof — from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant 
 cabbage garden ; and from the skulking Indian to 
 the ponderous burgomaster. In a word, they will 
 picture to themselves the steady, silent, and un- 
 deviating march to prosperity, incident to a city 
 destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat 
 government, and whose citizens do nothing in a 
 hurry. 
 
 The sage council, as has been mentioned in a 
 preceding chapter, not being able to determine 
 upon any plan for the building of their city— the 
 cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under 
 their peculiar charge, and as they went to and 
 from pasture, estabhshed paths through the bushes. 
 
184 LOYALTY OP WEATHERCOCKS. 
 
 on each side of which the good folks built their 
 houses ; which is one cause of the rambling and 
 picturesque turns and labyrinths, which distin- 
 guish certain streets of New- York at this very day. 
 
 The houses of the higher class were generally 
 constructed of wood, excepting the gable end, 
 which was of small black and yellow Dutch bricks, 
 and always faced on the stree^ as our ancestors, 
 like their descendants, were very much given to 
 outward show, and were noted forputtiif^ the best 
 leg foremost. The house was always furnished 
 w^ith abundance of large doors and small windows 
 on every floor, the date of its erection was curi- 
 ously designated by iron figures on the front, and 
 on the top of the roof was perched a fierce little 
 weathefcock, to let the family into the important 
 secret, which way the wind blew. These, like the 
 weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed 
 so many different ways, that every man could have 
 a wind to his mind ; — the most stanch and loyal 
 citizens, however, always went according to the 
 weathercock on the top of the governor's house, 
 which was certainly the most correct, as he had a 
 trusty servant employed every morning to cfimb 
 up and set it to the right quarter. 
 
 In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, 
 a passion for cleanliness was the leading principle 
 in domestic economy, and the universal test of 
 an able housewife- — a character which formed the 
 utmost ambition of our unenlightened grandmo- 
 
PASSION FOR CLEANING. 185 
 
 thers. The front door was never opened except 
 on marriages, funerals, new years' days, the festi- 
 val of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. 
 It was ornamented with a gorgeous brass knocker, 
 curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a 
 dog, and sometimes of a lion's head, and was dai- 
 ly burnished with guch religious zeal, that it was 
 oft-times worn out by the very precautions taken 
 for its preservation. The whole house was con- 
 stantly in a state of inundation, under the disci*, 
 pline of mops and brooms and scrubbing brushes; 
 and the good housewives of those days were a kind 
 of amphibious aninaal, dehghting exceedingly to 
 be dabbling in water — insomuch that an historian 
 of the day gravely tells us, tliat many of his 
 townswomen- grew to have webbed fingers like 
 unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little 
 doubt, could the matter be examined into, would 
 be found to have the tails of mermaids — but this 
 I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or what 
 is worse, a wilful misrepresentation. 
 
 The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, 
 where the passion for cleaning was indulged with- 
 out controul. In this sacred apartment no one 
 was permitted to enter, excepting the mistress 
 and her confidential maid, who visited it once a 
 week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough 
 cleaning, and putting things to rights — always 
 taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at 
 the door, and entering devoutly on their stocking 
 
186 A NEW-AMSTERDAM FIRE-SIDE. 
 
 feet. After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with 
 fine white sand, which was curiously stroked into 
 angles, and curves, and rhomboids with a broom — 
 after washing the windows, rubbing and polishing 
 the furniture, and putting a new bunch of ever- 
 greens in the fire-place — the w^indow shutters 
 were again closed to keep out the flies, and the 
 room carefully locked up until the revolution of 
 time brought round the weekly cleaning day. 
 ^ As to the family, they always entered in at Ihe 
 gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To 
 have seen s numerous household assembled around 
 the fire, one would have imagined that he was 
 transported back to those happy days of primeval 
 simplicity, which'float before our imaginations like 
 golden visions. The fire-places were of a truly 
 patriarchal magnitude, where the whole fam.ily, 
 old and young, master and servant, black and 
 white, nay, even the veVy cat and dog, enjoyed a 
 community of privilege, and had each a right to a 
 corner. Here the d|ld burgher would sit in per- 
 fect silence, puthng his pipe, looking in the fire 
 with half shut eyes, and thinking of nothing for 
 hou^ together ; the goede vrouw on the opposite 
 side w^ould employ herself diligently in spinning 
 yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks 
 would crowd around the hearth, listening with 
 breathless attention to some old crowe of a negro, 
 who was the oracle of the f^ily, and who, perch- 
 ed like a raven in a corner of the chimney, w ould 
 
•TEA AND PAT PORK. 187 
 
 Groak forth for a long winter afterno5n a string of 
 incredible stories about New-England witches — 
 grislj ghosts, horses without heads— and hair- 
 breadth escapes and bloody encounters among 
 the Indians. 
 
 In those happj days a well regulated family al- 
 ways rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and 
 went to bed at sun down. Dinner was invariably 
 a private meal, and the fat old burghers showed 
 incontestible symptoms of disapprobation and vm- 
 easiness at being surprised by a visit from a neigh- 
 bour on such occasions'. But though our worthy 
 ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving din- 
 ners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy 
 by occasional banquettings, called tea parties. 
 
 These fashionable parties were generally con- 
 fined to the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to 
 say, such as kept their own cows, and drove their 
 own waggons. The company ct)mmonIy assem- 
 bled at three o'clock, and went away about six, 
 unless it was in winter time, when the fashionable 
 hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might 
 get home before dark. The tea table was crown- 
 ed with a huge earthen dish, well stored with 
 slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into mor- 
 sels, and swimming in gravy. The company be- 
 ing seated around the genial -board, and each fur- 
 nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in 
 launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish 
 — in much the same manner as sailors harpoon 
 
188 ANCIENT MODE. 
 
 porpoises at'sea, or our Indians spear salmon in 
 the lakes. Sometimes the table was j^raced with 
 immense apple pies, or saucers full of preserved 
 peaches and pears ; but it was always sure to 
 boast an enormous dish of balls of sweetened 
 dough, fried in hog's fat, and called dough nuts, 
 or oly koeks — a delicious kind of cake, at pre- 
 sent scarce known in this city, excepting in ge- 
 nuine Dutch families. 
 
 I^The tea w^as served out of a majestic delft tea- 
 pot, ornamented with p^n tings of fat little Dutch 
 shepherds and shepherdesses tending pigs — with 
 boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the 
 clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch fanta- 
 sies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their 
 adroitness in replenishing this pot from a huge 
 copper tea kettle, wdiich w ould have made the 
 pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat 
 merely to look §t it. To sweeten the beverage, 
 a Imnp of sugar was laid beside each cup — and 
 the company alternately nibbled and sipped with 
 great decorum, until an improvement was intro- 
 duced by a shrewd and economic old lady, which 
 was to suspend a large lump directly over the tea 
 table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it 
 could be swung from mouth to mouth — an in- 
 genious expedient, which is still kept up by some 
 families in Albany; but which prevails without 
 exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flat-Bush, 
 and all our uncontaminated Dutch villasres. 
 
OF EATING SUGAR. 189 
 
 At these primitive tea-parties the utmost pro- 
 priety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No 
 flirting nor coquetting — no gambhng of old ladie? 
 nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones 
 — no self satisfied struttings of wealthy gentle- 
 tlemen, with their brains in their pockets — nor 
 amusing conceits, and monkey divertisements, of 
 smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On 
 the contrary, the young ladies seated themselves 
 demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit 
 their own woollen stockings; nor ever opened 
 their lips, excepting to say, yah Mynher, or yah 
 ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them ; 
 behaving, in all things, like decent, well educated 
 damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them 
 tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in 
 contemplation of the blue and white tiles with 
 which the fire places were decorated; wherein 
 sundry passages of scripture w^ere piously por- 
 trayed — Tobit and his dog figured to great advan- 
 tage; Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet, 
 and Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out 
 of the whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of 
 fire. .^ 
 
 The parties broke up without noise and without 
 confusion. They were carried home by their own 
 carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature 
 had provided them, excepting such of the wxal- 
 thy as could afford to keep a waggon. The gen- 
 tlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their 
 
 VOL. I 17 
 
190 A FARTING SMACK. 
 
 respective abodes, and took leave of them with a 
 hearty smack at the door: which, as it was an es- 
 tabhshed piece of etiquette, done in perfect sim- 
 pHcity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scan- 
 dal at that time, nor should it at the present — if 
 our great grandfathers approved of the custom, 
 it would argue a great want of reverence in their 
 descendants to say a word against it. 
 
THE GOLDEN AGE. 191 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Containing further particulars of the Golden Age^ 
 and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman 
 in the days of Walter the Doubter, 
 
 In this dulcet period of my history, when the 
 beauteouaisiandof rvlaana-hata preseiited a scene, 
 the very counterpart of those glowing pictures 
 drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, thfere was, 
 as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an 
 honest simplicity prevalent among its inhabitants, 
 which, were I even able to depict, would be but 
 little understood by the degenerate age for which 
 1 am doomed to write. Even the female sex, 
 those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, ^he 
 honesty, and gray-beard customs of society, seem- 
 ed for a while to conduct themselves with incre- 
 dible sobriety and comeliness. 
 
 Their hair untortured by the abominations of 
 art, was scrupulously pomatomed back from their 
 foreheads with a candle, and covered with a little 
 cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their 
 heads. Their petticoats of linsey woolsey were 
 striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes — though 
 I must confess these gallant garments were rather 
 short, scarce reaching below the knee ; but then 
 
\'9)l FEMALE COSTUxAIE. 
 
 they rtiadc up in the number, which generally 
 equalled that of the gentlemen-s small clothes ; 
 and what is still more praise-worthy, they were 
 all of their own manufacture — of which circum- 
 stance, as may well be supposed, they were not a 
 little vain. 
 
 These were the honest days, in which every 
 woman staid at home, read the Bible, and wore 
 pockets — ay, and that too of a goodly size, fashion- 
 ed with patch-work into many curious devices, 
 and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, 
 in fact, were convenient receptacles, where all 
 good housewives carefully stored away such things 
 as they wished to have at hand ; by which means 
 they often came to be incredibly crammed — and 
 I remember there was a story current when I was 
 a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once 
 had occasion to empty her right pocket in search 
 of a wooden ladle, and the utensil was discovered 
 lying among some rubbish in one corner — but we 
 must not give too much faith to all these stories ; 
 the anecdotes of those remote periods being very 
 subject to exaggeration. 
 
 Besides these notable pockets, they likewise 
 wore scissors and pincushions suspended from 
 their girdles by red ribands, or among the more 
 opulent and showy classes, by brass^ and even 
 silver chains — indubitable tokens of thrifty house- 
 wives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say 
 much in vindication of the shortness of the petti- 
 
A FINE LADY DESCRIBED. 193 
 
 coats ; it doubtless was introduced for the pur- 
 pose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, 
 which were generally of blue worsted with mag- 
 nificent red clocks — or perhaps to display a well 
 turned ankle, and a neat, though serviceable, foot, 
 set off by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a large 
 and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that 
 the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same 
 disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of de- 
 corum, in order to betray a lurking beauty, or 
 gratify an innocent love of finery. 
 
 From the sketch here given, it will be seen that 
 our good grandmothers differed considerably in 
 their ideas of a fine figure from their scantily 
 dressed descendants of the present day. A fine 
 lady, in those times, waddled under more clothes, 
 even on a fair summer's day, than would have 
 clad the whole bevy of a modern ball room. Nor 
 were they the less admired by the gentlemen in 
 consequence thereof. On the contrary, the great- 
 ness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in 
 proportion to the magnitude of its object — and a 
 voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petti- 
 coats, was declared by a Low Dutch sonnetteer 
 of the province to be radiant as a sunflower, and 
 luxuriant as a full blown cabbage. Certain it is, 
 that in those days, the heart of a lover could not 
 contain more than one lady at a time ; whereas the 
 heart of a modern gallant has often room enough 
 to accommodate half a dozen. The reason of 
 17* 
 
194 WHAT CONSTITUTED A LADY's FORTUNE* 
 
 which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of 
 the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons 
 of the ladies smaller — this, however, is a question 
 for physiologists to determine. 
 
 But there was a secret charm in these petti- 
 coats, which no doubt entered into the considera- 
 tion of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a 
 lady was in those days her only fortune ; and she 
 who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings, 
 was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamschatka 
 damsel with a store of bear skins, or a Lapland 
 belle with a plenty of rein-deer. The ladies, 
 therefore, were very anxious to display these pow- 
 erful attractions to the greatest advantage ; and 
 the best rooms in the house, instead of being adorn- 
 ed with caricatures of^ame nature, in water co- 
 lours and needle work, were always hung round 
 with abundance of homespun garments, the ma- 
 nufacture and the property of the females — a 
 piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails 
 among the heiresses of our Dutch villages. 
 
 The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the cir- 
 cles of the gay world in these ancient times, cor- 
 responded, in most particulars, with the beauteous 
 damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to de- 
 serve. True it is, their merits would make but a 
 very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of 
 a modern fair ^ they neither drove their curricles 
 nor sported their tandems, for as yet those gaudy 
 vehicles were not even dreamt of — neither did 
 
EPJ'iECt OF THE WHIPPING POST. 195 
 
 they distinguish themselves by their brilhancy at 
 the table, and their consequent rencontres with 
 watchmen, for our forefathers were of too pacific 
 a disposition to need those guardians of the night, 
 every soul throughout thetownbeing sound asleep 
 before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish 
 their claims to gentility at the expense of their 
 tailors — for as yet those offenders against the 
 pockets of society, and the tranquillity of all as- 
 piring young gentlemen, were unknown in New- 
 Amsterdam ; every good housewife made the 
 clothes of her husband and family, and even the 
 goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it 
 no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey 
 woolsey galligaskins. 
 
 Not but what there were some two or three 
 youngsters who manifested the first dawnings of 
 what is called fire and spirit. Who held all la- 
 boar in contempt; skulked about docks and mar- 
 ket places ; loitered in the sunshine ; squandered 
 what little money they could procure at hustle 
 cap and chuck farthing, swore, boxed, fought 
 cocks, and raced their neighbour's horses — in 
 short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, 
 and abomination of the town, had not their 
 styhsh career been unfortunately cut short by an 
 affair of honor with a whipping post. 
 
 Far other, however, was the truly fashionable 
 gentleman of those days — his dress, which served 
 for both morning and evening, street and drawing 
 
196 A FINE GENTLEMAN DEPICTURED. 
 
 room, was a linsey woolsey coat, made, perhaps, 
 bj the fair hands of the mistress of his affections, 
 and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large 
 brass buttons. — Half a score of breeches height- 
 ened the proportions of his figure — his shoes 
 were decorated by enormous copper buckles — a. 
 low crowned broad brimmed hat overshadowed 
 his hurley visage, and his hair dangled down his 
 back in a prodigious queue of eel skin. 
 
 Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth 
 with pipe in njputh to besiege some fair damsel's 
 obdurate heart — not such a pipe, good reader, as 
 that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his 
 Galatea, but of one of true delft manafacture, and 
 furnished with a charge of fragrant tobacco. With 
 this would he resolutely set himself down before 
 the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of 
 time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender, 
 upon honorable terms. 
 
 Such was the happy reign of WouterVan Twil- 
 ler, celebrated in many a long forgotten song as 
 the real golden age, the rest being nothing but 
 counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delight- 
 ful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over the 
 whole province. The burgomaster smoked his 
 pipe in peace — the substantial solace of his do- 
 mestic cares, after her daily toils were done, sat 
 soberly at the door, with her arms cros ed over 
 her apron of snowy white, without being insulted 
 
VAN TWILLEr's happy REIGN; 197 
 
 bj ribald street walkers or vagabond boys — those 
 unlucky urchins, who do so infest our streets, dis- 
 playing under the roses of youth the thorns and 
 briars of iniquity. Then it was that the lover 
 with ten breeches, and the damsel with petticoats 
 of half a score, indulged in all the innocent en- 
 dearments of virtuous love without fear and with- 
 out reproach ; for what had that virtue to fear, 
 which was defended by a shield of good linsey 
 woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull hides 
 of the invincible Ajax. 
 
 Ah blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when 
 everything was better than it has ever been since, 
 or ever will be again — when Buttermilk Channel 
 was quite dry at low water — when the shad in the 
 Hudson were all salmon, and when the moon shone 
 with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of 
 that melancholy yellow light which is the conse- 
 quence of her sickening at the abominations she 
 every night witnesses in this degenerate city ! 
 
 Happy would it have been for New-Amster- 
 dam could it always have existed in this state of 
 blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity , but alas? 
 the days of childhood are too sweet to last ! Ci- 
 ties, like men, grow out of them in time, and are 
 doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the cares, 
 and miseries of the world. Let no man con- 
 gratulate himself, when he beholds the child of 
 his bosom or the city of his birth increasing in 
 
198 VAN twiller's happy reign. 
 
 magnitude and importance — let the historj of 
 his own Hfe teach him the dangers of the one, 
 and this excellent little history of Mannahatta 
 convince him of the calamities of the other. 
 
AS AFTERNOON WALK. 19S 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable 
 walk, which ends verij differently from what it 
 commenced* 
 
 In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hun- 
 dred and four, on a fine afternoon, in the glowing 
 month of September, I took my customary walk 
 upon the battery, which is at once the pride and 
 bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of 
 New- York. The ground on which I trod was hal- 
 lowed by recollections of the past, and as 1 slowly 
 wandered through the long alleyof poplars, which, 
 like so many birch brooms standing on end, dif- 
 fused a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my ima- 
 gination drew a contrast between the surround- 
 ing scenery, and what it was in the classic days 
 of our forefathers. Where the government house 
 by name, but the custom house by occupation, 
 proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, 
 there whilome stood the low, but substantial, red 
 tiled mansion of the renowned Wouter Van Twil- 
 ler. Around it the mighty bulwarks of fort Am- 
 sterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe ; 
 but, like many a whiskered warrior and gallant 
 militia captain, confined their martial deeds to 
 
200 SCENERY AROUND NEW-YORK. 
 
 frowns alone. The mud breast works had long 
 been levelled with the earth, and their site con- 
 verted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the 
 battery; where the gay apprentice sported his Sun- 
 day coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved 
 from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured 
 his weekly tale of love into the half averted ear of 
 the sentimental chambermaid. The capacious 
 bay still presented the same expansive sheet of 
 l^ater, studded with islands, sprinkled with tishing 
 boats, and bounded byshores of picturesque beau- 
 ty. But the dark forests which Oiice clothed these 
 shores had been violated by the savage hand of 
 cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impene- 
 trable thickets, had degenerated into teeming or- 
 chards and waving fields of grain. Even Gover- 
 nor's Island, once a smiling garden, appertaining 
 to the sovereigns of the province, was now cover- 
 ed with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block 
 house — so that this once peaceful island resem- 
 bled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, 
 breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world! 
 For some time did I indulge inthis pensive train 
 of thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness, the pre- 
 sent day wdththe hallowed years behind the moun- 
 tains ; lamenting the melancholy progress of im- 
 provement, and praising the zeal with which our 
 worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks 
 of venerable customs, prejudices, and errors, from 
 the overwhelming tide of modern innovation — 
 
A CALM DESCRIBED. 201 
 
 when by degrees my ideas took a different turn, 
 and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of 
 the beauties around me. 
 
 It was one of those rich autumnal days, which 
 heaven particularly bestows upon the beauteous 
 island of Manna-hata and its vicinity — not a float- 
 ing cloud obscured the azure firmament — the sun, 
 rolling in glorious splendour through his ethereal 
 course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch coun- 
 tenance into an unusual expression of benevolence, 
 as he smiled his evening s;alutation upon a «?ity, 
 which he delights to visit with his most bounteous 
 beams — the very winds seemed to hold in their 
 breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle 
 the tranquillity of the hour — and the waveless bo- 
 som of the bay presented a polished mirror, in 
 which nature beheld herself and smiled. The 
 standard of our city, reserved like a choice hand- 
 kerchief, for days of gala, hung motionless on the 
 flag staff, which forms the handle to a gigantic 
 churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the pop- 
 lar and the aspen ceased to vibrate to the breath 
 of heaven. Every thing seemed to acquiesce in 
 the profound repose of nature. The formidable 
 eighteen pounders slept in the embrazures of the 
 wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh 
 strength to fight the battles of their country on 
 the next fourth of July — the solitary drum on Go- 
 vernor's Island forgot to call the garrison to their 
 shovels — the evening gun had not yet sounded it? 
 
 VOL. I. 18 
 
202 A CALM DESCRIBED. 
 
 signal, for all the regular, well meaning poultry 
 throughout the country, to go to roost ; and the 
 fleet of canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island 
 and Communipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and 
 suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un- 
 molested in the soft mud of their native banks! — 
 My own feelings sympathized with the contagious 
 tranquillity, and I should infalhbly have dozed 
 upon one of those fragments of benches, which 
 our benevolent magistrates have provided for the 
 beifefit of convalescent loungers, had not the ex- 
 traordinary inconvenience of the couch set all re- 
 pose at detiance. 
 
 In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my 
 attention was attracted to a black speck, peering 
 above the western horizon, just in the rear of Ber- 
 gen steeple — gradually it augments and overhangs 
 the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and Ho- 
 boken, which, like three jockies, are starting on 
 the course of existence, and jostling each other at 
 the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the 
 long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide 
 shadows from the high settlements at Weehawk 
 quite to tlie lazaretto and quarantine, erected by 
 the sagacity of our poHce, for the embarrassment 
 of commerce — now it climbs the serene vault of 
 heaven, cloud rolling overcloud, shroudingthe orb 
 of day, darkening the vast expanse, and bearing 
 thuuder and hail and tempest in its bosom. The 
 eartii seems agitated at the confusion of the hea- 
 
A TEMPEST. 203 
 
 vens — the late waveless mirror is lashed into fu- 
 rious waves, that roll in hollow murmurs to the 
 shore — the oyster boats that erst sported in the 
 placid vicinity of Gibbet Island, now hurry af- 
 frighted to the land — the poplar writhes and 
 twists and whistles in the blast — torrents of 
 drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the bat- 
 tery walks — the gates are thronged by apprentices, 
 servant maids, and httle PVenchmen, with pocket 
 handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering from 
 the storm — the late beauteous prospect presents 
 one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though 
 old Chaos had resumed his reign, and was hurling 
 back into one vast turmoil the conflicting ele- 
 ments of nature. 
 
 Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or 
 remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train- 
 band captains, who march their soldiers through 
 the rain without flinching, are points which I leave 
 to the conjecture of the reader. It is possible he 
 may be a little perplexed also to know the reason 
 why I introduced this tremendous tempest to 
 disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter 
 point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. 
 The panorama view of the battery was given 
 merely to gratify the reader with a correct de- 
 scription of that celebrated place, and the parts 
 adjacent— r-secondly, the storm was played OiFpart- 
 iy to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil 
 part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers 
 
204 HOJ/ESTY NOT THE BEST POLICY 
 
 from falling asleep — and partly to serve as an 
 overture to the tempestuous times that are about 
 to assail the pacific province of Nieuv^r-Neder- 
 landts — and that overhang the slumbrous admi- 
 nistration of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller. 
 It is thus the experienced play-wright puts all the 
 fiddles, the French horns, the kettle drums, and 
 trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher 
 in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars 
 called Melodrames — and it is thus he discharges 
 his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, 
 preparatory to the rising of a ghost, or the mur- 
 dering of a hero. — We will now proceed with 
 our history. 
 
 Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to 
 the contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to nations, 
 the old maxim, that "honesty is the bestpohcy," 
 is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It might have 
 answered well enough in the honest times when 
 it was made ; but in these degenerate days, if a 
 nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of 
 its dealings, it will fare something like an honest 
 man amongthieves, who, unless he have something 
 more than his honesty to depend upon, stands but 
 a poor chance of profiting by his company. Such 
 at least was the case with the guileless govern- 
 ment of the New-Netherlands; which, like a wor- 
 thy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself 
 down into the city of New-Amsterdam, as into a 
 snug elbow chair — and fell into a comfortable 
 
ILLUSTRATED. 205' 
 
 nap-^while in the mean time its cunning neigh- 
 bours stepped in and picked its pockets. Thus 
 may we ascribe the commencement of all the 
 woes of this great province, and its magnificent 
 metropolis, to the tranquil security, or to speak 
 more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty of its 
 government. But as I dislike to begin an impor- 
 tant part of my history towards the end of a 
 chapter; and as my readers, like myself, must 
 doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the long 
 walk we have taken, and the tempest we have 
 sustained — 1 hold it meet we shut up the book, 
 smoke a pipe, and having thus refreshed oilr 
 spirits, take a fair start in the next chapter. 
 
 18^ 
 
206 EFFECTS or THE MEASURED 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Con- 
 necticut and thereabouts — Showings moreover, 
 the true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a 
 curious device amon^ these sturdy barbarians, to 
 keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote 
 population. 
 
 That my readers may the more fully compre- 
 Jiend the extent of the calamity, at this very mo- 
 ment impending over the honest, unsuspecting 
 province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and its dubious 
 governor, it is necessary that 1 should give some 
 account of a horde of strange barbarians, border- 
 ing upon the eastern frontier. 
 
 Now so it came to pass, that many years pre- 
 vious to the time of which Ave are treating, the 
 sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain 
 national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or 
 rather a religious turnpike, in which every loyal 
 subject was directed to travel to Zion — taking 
 care to pay the toll gatherers by the way. 
 
 Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very 
 much given to indulge their own opinions, on all 
 manner of subjects, (a propensity exceednigly of- 
 fensive to your free governments of Europe,) did 
 
OF THE ENGLISH CABINET. 207 
 
 most presumptuously dare to think for themselves 
 in matters of religion, exercising what they con- 
 sidered a natural a^id unextinguishable right — the 
 liberty of conscience. 
 
 As, however, they possessed that ingenuous ha- 
 bit of mind which always thinks aloud; which rides 
 cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever gallop- 
 ing into other people's ears, it naturally followed 
 that their liberty of conscience likewise implied 
 liberty of speech^ which being freely indulged, soon 
 put the country in a hubbub, and aroused the pious 
 indignation of the vigilant fathers of the church. 
 * The usual methods were adopted 'to reclaim 
 them, that in those days were considered so ef- 
 ficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold; 
 that is to say, they were coaxed, they were ad- 
 monished, they were menaced, they were buffet- 
 ed — line upon line, precept upon precept, lash 
 upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, 
 were exhausted without mercy, and without suc- 
 cess ; until at length the worthy pastors of the 
 church, wearied out by their unparalleled stub- 
 bornness, were driven in the excess of their ten- 
 der mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and hte- 
 rally " heaped live embers on their heads." 
 
 Nothing, however, could subdue that invincible 
 spirit of independence which has ever distinguish- 
 ed this singular race of people, so that rather than 
 submit to such horrible tyranny, they one and all 
 embarked for the wilderness of America, where 
 
208 LOQUACIOUS SOIL OP AMERICA. 
 
 they might enjoy, unmolested, the inesthnablefux- 
 ury of talking. No sooner did they land on this 
 loquacious soil, than, as if theyjj^ad caught the dis- 
 ease from the climate, they aH lifted up their voi- 
 ces at once, and for the space of one whole year 
 did keep up such a joyful clamour, that we are 
 told they frightened every bird and beast out of 
 the neighbourhood,and so completely dumb-found- 
 ed certain fish, which abound on their coast, that 
 they have been called dumh-Jish ever since. 
 
 From this simple circumstance, unimportant as 
 it may seem, did first originate that renowned pri- 
 vilege so loudly boasted of throughout this couri^ 
 try — ^which is so eloquently exercised in newspa- 
 pers, pamphlets, ward meetings, pot-house com- 
 mittees and congressional deliberations — which 
 establishes the right of talking without ideas and 
 without information — of misrepresenting public 
 affairs — of decrying public measures — of aspers- 
 ing great characters, and destroying little ones ; 
 in short, that grand palladium of our country, the 
 liberty of speech. 
 
 The simple aborigines of the land for a while 
 contemplated these strange folk in utter astonish- 
 ment, but discovering that they wielded harmless 
 though noisj weapons, and were a lively, inge- 
 nious, good-humoured race of men, they became 
 very friendly and sociable, and gave them the 
 name of Yanokies^ which in the Mais-Tchusaeg 
 (or Massachusett) language signifies silent men — 
 
ORIGIN OF YANKEES. 209 
 
 a waggish appellation, since shortened into the 
 iamihar epithet of Yankees, which they retSin 
 imto the present day. 
 
 True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will 
 not allow me to pass it over in silence, that the 
 zeal of these good people, to maintain their rights 
 and privileges unimpaired, did for a while betray 
 them into errors, which it is easier to pardon than 
 defend. Having served a regular apprenticeship 
 in the school of persecution, it behoves them to 
 show that they had become proficients in the art. 
 They accordingly employed their leisure hours in 
 banishing, scourging, or hanging, divers heretical 
 papists, quakers, and anabaptists, for daring to 
 abuse the liberty of conscience ; which they now 
 clearly proved to imply nothing more than that 
 every man should think as he pleased in matters 
 of religion — providedhe thought right ; for other- 
 wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable 
 heresies. Now as they (the majority) were per- 
 fectly convinced, that they alone thought right, it 
 consequently followed, that whoever thought dif- 
 ferent from them thought wrong — and whoever 
 thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not 
 being convinced and converted, was a flagrant 
 violator of the inestimable liberty of conscience, 
 and a corrupt and infectious member of the body 
 pohtic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast 
 into the fire. 
 
210 LIBERTY OF CONSCIENCE EXPLAINED. 
 
 Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my read- 
 ers, ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, 
 with that virtuous indignation with which we^ al- 
 ways contemplate the faults and errors of our 
 neighbours, and to exclaim at these well meaning 
 but mistaken people, for inflicting on others the 
 injuries they had suffered themselves — for indul- 
 ging the preposterous idea of convincing the mind 
 by tormenting the body, and establishing the doc- 
 trine of charity and forbearance by intolerant 
 persecution. But, in simple truth, what are we 
 doing at this very day, and in this very enlighten- 
 ed nation, but acting upon the very same princi- 
 ple, in our political controversies. Have we not 
 within but a few years released ourselves from the 
 shackles of a government which cruelly denied 
 us the privilege of governing ourselves, and using 
 in full latitude that invaluable member, the tongue ? 
 and are we not at this very moment striving our 
 best to tyrannise over the opinions, tie up the 
 tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one another ? 
 What are our great political societies, but mere 
 political inquisitions — our pot-house committees 
 but little tribunals of denunciation — our newspa- 
 pers but mere whipping posts and pillories, where 
 unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten 
 eggs — and our council of appointment, but a 
 grand auto defty where culprits are annually sa- 
 crificed for their political heresies ? 
 
ADVANTAGES Or BUNDLING. 211 
 
 Where then is the dilference in principle be- 
 tween our measures and those you are so ready to 
 condemn among the people I am treating of? 
 There is none; the difference is merely circum- 
 stautial. — Thus we denomice, instead of banish- 
 ing — we libel^ instead of scourging — w^e turn out 
 of office, instead of hanging — and where they 
 burnt an offender in propria persona, we either 
 tar and feather or burn him in effigy — this politi- 
 cal persecution being, some how or other, the 
 grand palladium of our liberties, and an incon- 
 trovertible proof that this is a free country ! 
 
 But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with 
 wdiich this holy war was prosecuted against the / 
 w^hole race of unbelievers, we do not find that 
 the population of this new colony was in any 
 wise hindered thereby; on the contrary, they mul- 
 tiplied to a degree which would be incredible to 
 any man unacquainted with the marvellous fe- 
 cundity of this growling country. 
 
 This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly 
 ascribed to a singulafr custom prevalent among 
 them, commonly known by the name of bundling 
 — a superstitious rite observed by the young peo- 
 ple of both sexes, with which they usually ter- 
 minated their festivities ; and which was kept up 
 with rehgious strictness by the more bigoted and 
 vulgar part of the community. This ceremony 
 was likewise, in those primitive times, considered 
 as an indispensable prehminary to matrimony ; 
 
212 INCREASE OF POPULATION. 
 
 their courtships commencing where ours usuallj 
 finish — by which means they acquired that inti- 
 mate acquaintance with each others' good quah- 
 ties before marriage, which has been pronounced 
 by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. 
 Thus early did this cunning and ingenious peo- 
 ple display a shrewdness at making a bargain, 
 which has ever since distinguished them — and a 
 strict adherence to the good old vulgar maxim 
 about " buying a pig in a poke." 
 
 To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly 
 attribute the unparalleled increase of the yanokie' 
 or yankee tribe ; for it is a certain fact, well au- 
 thenticated by court records and parish registers, 
 that wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, 
 there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an- 
 nually born unto the state, without the license of 
 the law, or the benefit of clergy. Neither did 
 the irregularity of their birth operate in the least 
 to their disparagement. On the contrary, they 
 grew up a long sided, raw boned, hardy race of 
 whoreson whalers, wood cutters, fishermen, and 
 pedlers, and strapping corn-fed wenches ; who by 
 their united efforts tended marvellously towards 
 populating those notable tracts of country called 
 Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. 
 
BESCRIPTION OF A YANKEE FARMER. 2 hi 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 How these singular barbarians turned out to be 
 notorious squatters. How they built air castles, 
 and attempted to iriitiate the J^ederlanders in 
 the mystery of bundling. 
 
 In the last chapter I have given a faithful and 
 unprejudiced account of the origin of that singu- 
 lar race of people, inhabiting the country east- 
 v^ard of the Nieuw-Nederlandts ; but I have yet 
 to mention certain peculiar habits which render- 
 ed them exceedingly obnoxious to our ever ho- 
 noured Dutch ancestors. 
 
 The most prominent of these was a certain 
 rambling propensity, with which, like the sons of 
 Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by hea- 
 ven, and which continually goads them on, to 
 shift their residence from place to place, so that 
 a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of migra- 
 tion; tarrying occasionally here and there; clear- 
 ing lands for other people to enjoy, building 
 houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner may 
 be considered the wandering Arab of America, 
 
 His first thought, on coming to the years of man- 
 hood, is to ^e/Z/e himself in the world — which means 
 nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles. 
 
 VOL. J. 19 
 
214 YANKEE doodle's PROGRESS. 
 
 To this end he takes unto himself for a wife some 
 buxom country heiress, passing rich in red ri- 
 bands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs, 
 with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, 
 and deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple 
 sweetmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin pie. 
 
 Having thus provided himself, like a pedler with 
 a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoul- 
 ders through the journey of life, he literally sets 
 out on the peregrination. His whole family, 
 household furniture, and farming utensils, are 
 hoisted into a covered eart; his own and his wife's 
 wardrobe packed up in a tirkin — which done, he 
 shoulders his axe, takes stalF in hand, whistles 
 "yankee doodle," and trudges otfto the woods, as 
 confident of the protection of Providence, and 
 relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as 
 did ever a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed 
 into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having 
 buried himself in the wilderness, he builds himself 
 a log hut, clears away a cornfield and potatoe 
 patch, and Providence smiling upon his labours, 
 is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half 
 a score of flaxen headed urchins, who, by their 
 size, seem to have sprung all at once out of the 
 earth, like a crop of toad-stools. 
 
 But it is not the nature of this most indefatiga- 
 ble of speculators to rest contented with any state 
 of sublunary enjoyment — improvement i^ his dar- 
 ling passion, and having thus improved his land^, 
 
HIS WOODEN PALACE. 215 
 
 the next care is to provide a mansion worthy the 
 residence of a land liolder. A huge palace of pine 
 boards immediately springs up in the midst of the 
 wilderness, large enough for a parish church, and 
 furnished with windows of all dimensions, hut so 
 rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it 
 a fit of the ague. 
 
 By the time the outside of this mighty air cas- 
 tle is completed, either the funds or the zeal of 
 our adventurer are exhausted, so that he barely 
 manages to half finish one room within, where the 
 whole family burrow together — while the rest of 
 the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, 
 or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decora- 
 ted with fanciful festoon* of dried apples and 
 peaches. The outside remaining unpainted, 
 grows venerably black with time ; the family ward- 
 robe is laid under contribution for old hats, petti- 
 coats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken win- 
 dows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a 
 whistling and howling about this aerial palace, 
 and play as many unruly gambols as they did of 
 yore in the rave of old ^olus. 
 
 The humble log hut, which whilome nestled ^lis 
 improving family snugly within its narrow but 
 comfortable walls, stands hard by, in ignom.inious 
 contrast, degraded into a cow house or pig sty ; 
 and thewholesceneremindsoneforcibly of a fable, 
 which I am surprised has never been recorded, of 
 an aspiring snail, who abandoned his humble ha- 
 
916 PEOPLE or CONNECTICUT. 
 
 bitation, which he had long filleU with great re- 
 spectabihtj, to crawl into the empty shell of a 
 lobster — where he would no doubt have resided 
 with great style and splendour, the envy and hate 
 of all the pains-taking snails in his neighbourhood, 
 had he not accidentally perished with cold, in one 
 corner of his stupendous mansion. 
 
 Being thus completely settled, and to use his 
 own words, " to rights," one would imagine that 
 he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his situa- 
 tion, to read newspapers, talk politics, neglect 
 his own business, and attend to the affairs of 
 the nation, like a useful and patriotic citizen 5 but 
 now it is that his wayward disposition begins again 
 to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where 
 (.here is no longer any room for improvement — 
 sells his farm, air castle, petticoat windows and 
 all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts him- 
 self at the head of his family, and wanders away 
 in search of new lands — again to fell trees — again 
 to clear corn-fields — again to build a shingle pa- 
 Itice, and again to sell off and wander. 
 
 Such were the people of Connecticut, who bor- 
 dered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw-Neder- 
 landts, and my readers may easily imagine what 
 obnoxious neighbours this light-hearted but rest- 
 less tribe must have been to our tranquil progeni- 
 tors. If they cannot, I would ask them, if they 
 have ever known one of our regular, well organiz- 
 o(\. Dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven 
 
THEIR MEDDLING OUTRAGES. 217 
 
 to afflict with the neighbourhood of a French board- 
 ing-house ? The honest old burgher cannot take 
 his afternoon's pipe on the bench before his door, 
 but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, 
 the chattering of women, and the squalling of chil- 
 dren — he cannot sleep at night for the horrible 
 melodies of some amateur, who chooses to seren- 
 ade the moon, and display his terrible proficiency 
 in execution, on the clarionet, the hautboy, or some 
 other soft toned instrument — nor can he leave the 
 street door open, but his house is defiled by the 
 unsavoury visits of a troop of pug dogs, who even 
 sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the 
 sanctum sanctorum, the parlour ! 
 
 If my readers have ever witnessed the suffer- 
 ings of such a family, so situated, they may form 
 some idea how our worthy ancestors were distress- 
 ed by their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut, 
 
 Gangs of these marauders, we are told, pene- 
 trated into the New-Netherland settlements, and 
 threw whole villages into consternation by their 
 unparalleled volubility, and their intolerable in- 
 quisitiveness — two evil habits hitherto unknown 
 in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; 
 for our ancestors were noted as being men of 
 truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew 
 nor cared aught about any body's concerns but 
 their own. Many enormities were committed on 
 the high ways, where several unoffending burgh- 
 ers were brought to a stand, and tortun^d with 
 19* 
 
218 EXPLICATION or SQUATTING. 
 
 questions and guesses, which outrages occasion- 
 ed as much vexation and heart-burning as does 
 the modern right of search on the high seas. 
 
 Great jealousy did they hkewise stir up, by 
 their intermeddling and successes among the di- 
 vine sex ; for being a race of brisk, hkely, plea- 
 sant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced the hght 
 affections of the simple damsels from their pon- 
 derous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous 
 customs, they attempted to introduce among them 
 that of bundling, w^hich the Dutch lasses of the 
 Nederlandts, with that eager passion for novelty 
 and foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed 
 very well inchned to follow, but that their mo- 
 thers, being more experienced in the world, and 
 better acquainted with men and things, strenu- 
 ously discountenanced all such outlandish inno- 
 vations. 
 
 But what chiefly operated to embroil our ances- 
 tors with these strange folk, was an unwarrantable 
 liberty which they occasionally took of entering 
 in hordes into the territories of the New-Nether- 
 lands, and settling themselves down, without leave 
 or licefise, to improve the land, in the manner I 
 have before noticed. This unceremonious mode 
 of taking possession of new land was technically 
 termi3d squatting, and hence is derived the appel- 
 lation oi squatters ^ anameodtous in the ears of all 
 great landholders, and which is given to those en- 
 terprising worthies who seize upon land first, and 
 
HOW A MAN MAY CARRY AN OX. 219 
 
 take their chance to make good their title to it 
 afterwards. 
 
 Ail these grievances, and many others which 
 were constantly accumulating, tended to form that 
 dark and portentous cloud, which, as I observed 
 in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the 
 tranquil province of New-Netherlands. The pa- 
 cific cabinet of Van Twiller, however, as will be 
 perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a mag- 
 nanimity that redounds to their immortal credit — 
 becoming by passive endurance inured to this in- 
 creasing mass of wrongs; like that mighty man of 
 old who by dint of carrying about a calf from the 
 time it was born, continued to carry it without 
 difficulty when it had grown to be an ox. 
 
220 ARDUOUS TASK OF THE AUTHORi 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 How the fort Goed Hoop was fearfully/ beleaguer' 
 eJ — how the renowned Wouter fell into a pror 
 found doubt ^ and how he finally evaporated. 
 
 By this time my readers must fully perceive 
 what an arduous task I have undertaken — collect- 
 ing and collating, with painful minuteness, the 
 chronicles of past times, whose events almost de- 
 fy the powers of research — exploring a httle kind 
 of Herculaneum of history, which had lain nearly 
 for ages buried under the rubbish of years, and 
 almost totally forgotten — raking up the limbs and 
 fragments of disjointed facts, and endeavouring to 
 put them scrupulously together, so as to restore 
 them to their original form and connexion — now 
 lugging forth the character of an almost forgotten 
 hero, like a mutilated statue — now decyphering a 
 half defaced inscription, and now hghting upon a 
 mouldering manuscript, Vv^hich, after painful stu- 
 dy, scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 
 
 In such case how much has the reader to de- 
 pend upon the honor and probity of his author, 
 lest, hke a cunning antiquarian, he either impose 
 upon him some spurious fabrication of his own, 
 for a precious relic from antiquity — or else dress 
 
HIS HONOURVAND IMPARTIALITY. 221 
 
 up the dismembered fragment with such false 
 trappings, that it is scarcely possible to distin- 
 guish the truth from the fiction with which it is 
 enveloped. This is at grievance which I have 
 more than once had to lament, in the course of 
 my wearisome researches among the works of 
 my fellow historians, who have strangely disguis- 
 ed and distorted the facts respecting this coun- 
 try; and particularly respecting the great pro- 
 vince of New-Netherlands; as will be perceived 
 by any who will take the trouble to compare their 
 romantic effusions, tricked out in the meretri- 
 cious gauds of fable, with this authentic history. 
 I have had more vexations of the kind to en- 
 counter, in those parts of my history which treat 
 of the transactions on the eastern border, than in 
 any other, in consequence of the troops of histo- 
 rians who have infested those quarters, and have 
 shown the honestpeopleof Nieuw-Nederlandts no 
 mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Ben- 
 jamin Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the 
 Dutch were always mere intruders. — Now to this 
 I shall make no other reply, than to proceed in the 
 steady narration of my history, which will contain 
 not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and 
 possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, 
 and that they were wrongfully dispossessed there- 
 of — but likewise, that they have been scandalous- 
 ly maltreated ever since, by the misrepresenta- 
 ^ons of the crafty historians of New-England,-~ 
 
^22 FORT GOED HOOP. 
 
 And in this 1 shall be guided by a spirit of truth 
 and impartiality, and a regard to immortal fame 
 — for I would not wittingly dishonour my work 
 by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, or pre- 
 judice, though it should gain our forefathers the 
 whole country of New-England. 
 
 It was at an early period of the province, and 
 previous to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, 
 that the cabinet of Nieuw-Nederlandts purchased 
 the lands about the Connecticut, and estabhshed, 
 for their superintendence and protection, a forti- 
 fied post on the banks of the river, which was call- 
 ed Fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the 
 present fair city of Hartford. The command of 
 this important post, together with the rank, title, 
 and appointment of commissary, were given in 
 charge to the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, or, as 
 some historians will have it, Van Curbs — a most 
 doughty soldier, of that stomachful class of which 
 we have such numbers on parade days — who are 
 famous for eating all they kill. He was of a very 
 soldierlike appearance, and would have been an 
 exceeding tall man had his legs been in propor- 
 tion to his body ; but the latter being long, and the 
 former uncommonly si lort, it gave him the uncouth 
 appearance of a tall man's body mounted upon a 
 little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit 
 construction of body by throwing his legs to such 
 an extent when he marched, that you would have 
 sworn he had on the identical seven league boots 
 
INVASION BY THE SQUATTERS. 223 
 
 of the far-famed Jack the giant killer; and so as- 
 tonishingly high did he tread, on any great mili- 
 tary occasion, that his soldiers were oft-times 
 alarmed, lesthe should trample himself underfoot. 
 
 But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, 
 and the appointment of this ugly little man of war 
 as a commander, the intrepid Yankees continued 
 those daring interlopings which I have hinted at 
 in my last chapter ; and taking advantage of the 
 character which the cabiiietof Wouter Van Twil- 
 ler soon acquired, for profound and phlegmatic 
 tranquillity — did audaciously invade the territo- 
 ries of the Nieuw-Nederlants, and squat them- 
 selves down within the very jurisdiction of fort 
 Goed Hoop. 
 
 On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van 
 Curlet proceeded as became a prompt and va- 
 liant ofjicer. He immediately protested against 
 these unwarrantable encroachments, in Low 
 Dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, and forth- 
 with despatched a copy of the protest to the go- 
 vernor at New-Amsterdam, together with a long 
 and bitter account of the aggressions of the ene- 
 my. This done, he ordered his men, one and 
 all, to be of good cheer — shut the gate of the fort, 
 smoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited 
 the result with a resolute and intrepid tranquilli- 
 ty, that greatly animated his adherents, and no 
 doubt struck sore dismay and atlright into the 
 hearts of the enemy. 
 
224 
 
 Now it came to pass, that about this time, the 
 renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and 
 honours, and council dinners, had reached that 
 period of life and faculty which, according to the 
 great Gulliver, entitles a man to admission into 
 the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed 
 his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an as- 
 semblage of sages, equally enlightened, and nearly 
 as venerable as himself, and who, for their silence, 
 their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious 
 averseness to coming to any conclusion in busi- 
 ness, are only to be equalled by certain profound 
 corporations which I have known in my time. — 
 Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus 
 Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straight- 
 way into one of the deepest doubts that ever he 
 was known to encounter ; his capacious head gra- 
 dually drooped on his chest, he closed his eyes, 
 andinclinedhisear to one side, as if listening with 
 great attention to the discussion that was going on 
 in his belly ; which all who knew him declared to 
 be the huge court-house, or council chamber of 
 his thoughts 5 forming to his head what the house 
 of representatives do to the senate. An inarti- 
 culate sound, very much resembhng a snore, oc- 
 casionally escaped him — but the nature of this 
 internal cogitation was never known, as he never 
 opened his lips on the subject to man, woman, or 
 child. In the mean time, the protest of Van 
 Curlet laid quietly on the table, where it served 
 
TOWN OF PYQUAO. 225 
 
 to light the pipes of the venerable sages assembled 
 in council ; and in the great smoke which they 
 raised, the gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his 
 mighty fort Goed Hoop, were soon as completely 
 beclouded and forgotten, as is a question of emer- 
 gency swallowed up in the speeches and resolu- 
 tions of a modern session of Congress. 
 
 There are certain emergencies when your pro- 
 found legislators and sage deliberative councils 
 are mightily in the way of a nation; and when an 
 ounce of hair-brained decision is worth a pOund of 
 sage doubt and cautious discussion. Such, at 
 least, was the case at present ; for while the re- 
 nowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battling 
 with his doubts, and his resolution growing weak- 
 er and weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed 
 farther and farther into his territories, and assu- 
 med a most formidable appearance in the neigh- 
 bourhood of fort Goed Hoop, nere they founded 
 the mighty town of Pt/quag, or, as it has since 
 been called, Weathersfield, a place which, if w^e 
 may credit the assertions of that worthy historian, 
 John Josselyn, Gent, "hath been infamous by 
 reason of the witches therein." — And so daring 
 did these men of Pyquag become, that they ex* 
 tended those plantations of onions, for which their 
 town is illustrious, under the very noses of the 
 garrison of fort Goed Hoop — insomuch that the 
 honest Dutchmen could not look toward that 
 quarter without tears in their eyes. 
 VOL. I. 20 
 
226 VAN curlet's precautions. 
 
 This crying injustice was regarded with proper 
 indignation by the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. — 
 He absolutely trembled with the amazing violence 
 of his choler, and the exacerbations of his valour; 
 which seemed to be the more turbulent in their 
 workings, from the length of the body in which 
 they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to 
 strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breastworks, 
 deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with a 
 double row of abbatis ; after which valiant pre- 
 cautions, he despatched a fresh courier with tre- 
 mendous accounts of his perilous situation. 
 
 The courier chosen to bear these alarming 
 despatches was a fat oily li-ttle man, as^ being 
 least liable to be worn out, or to lose leather on 
 the journey ; and to insure his speed, he was 
 mounted on the fleetest waggon horse in the gar- 
 rison, remarkable for his length of limb, large- 
 ness of bone, aild hardness of trot ; and so tall, 
 that the little messenger was obliged to climb on 
 his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such 
 extraordinary speed did he make, that he arrived 
 at fort Amsterdam in little less than a month, 
 though the distance was full two hundred pipes, 
 or about 120 miles. 
 
 The extraordinary appearance of this porten- 
 tous stranger would have thrown the whole town 
 of New- Amsterdam into a quandary, had the good 
 people troubled themselves about any thing more 
 than their domestic affairs. With an appearance 
 
227 
 
 of great hiirry and business, and smoking a short 
 travelling pipe, be proceeded on a long swing trot 
 tbrough tbe muddy lanes of the metropolis, demo- 
 lishing whole batches of dirt pies, which the little 
 Dutch children were making in the road; and for 
 wdiich kind of pastry the children of this city have 
 ever been famous. On arriving at the governor's 
 house, he climbed down from his steed in great 
 trepidation; roused the gray headed door keeper, 
 old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant and 
 faithful representative, the venerable crier of our 
 court, was nodding at his post — rattled at the door 
 of the council chamber, and startled the members 
 as they were dozing over a plan for estabhshing' 
 a public market. 
 
 At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather 
 a deep drawn snore, was heard from the chair of 
 the governor; a whifF of smoke w^as at the same in- 
 stant observed to escape from his lips, and a light 
 cloud to ascend from the bowd of his pipe. The 
 council of course supposed him engaged in deep 
 sleep for the good of the community, and, ac- 
 cording to custom in all such cases established, 
 every man bawled out silence, in order to main- 
 tain tranquillity; when, of a sudden, the door flew 
 open, and the little courier straddled into the 
 apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hes- 
 sian boots, which he had got into for the sake of 
 expedition. In his right hand he held forth the 
 ominous despatches, and with his left he grasped 
 
228 VAN twiller's last whiff. 
 
 firmly the waistband of his galligaskins, which 
 had unfortunately given way, in the exertion of 
 descending from his horse. He stumped resolutely 
 up to the governor, and with more hurry than per- 
 spicuity, delivered his message. But fortunately 
 his ill tidings came toolate to ruffle the tranquillity 
 of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable 
 excellency had just breathed and smoked his last 
 — his lungs and his pipe having been exhausted 
 together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in 
 the last whitF that curled from his tobacco pipe. 
 In a word, the renowned Walter the Doubter, 
 who ha4 so often slumbered with his contempora- 
 ries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus 
 Kieft governed in his stead. 
 
BOOK IV. 
 
 CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN of 
 WILLIAM THE TESTY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Showing the nature of history in general^ contain- 
 ing farthennore the universal acquirements of 
 William the Testy ^ and how a man may learn so 
 much as to render himself good for nothing. 
 
 When the lofty Thucydides is about to enter 
 upon his description of the plague that desolated 
 Athens, one of bis modern commentators assures 
 the reader, that the history is now going to be ex- 
 ceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic ; and hints, 
 with that air of chuckling gratulation with which 
 a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a 
 cupboard to regale a favourite, that this plague 
 will give his history a most agreeable variety. 
 
 In like manner did my heart leap within me, 
 
 when I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort 
 
 Good Hope, which I at once perceived to be the 
 
 forerunner of a series of great events and enter- 
 
 20* 
 
230 TRUE CHARACTER OF HEROES. 
 
 taining disasters. Such are the true subjects for 
 the historic pen. For what is history, in fact, hut 
 a kind of Newgate kalendar, a register of the 
 crimes and miseries that man has inflicted ©n his 
 fellow man. It is a huge hbel on human nature, 
 to which we industriously add page after page, 
 volume after volume, as if we were building up a 
 monument to the honour, rather than the infamy 
 of our species. If we turn over the pages of these 
 chronicles that Inan has written of himself, what 
 are the characters dignified by the appellation of 
 great, and held up to the admiration of posterity? 
 Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only for 
 the magnitude of their misdeeds, and the stupen- 
 dous wrongs and miseries they have inflicted on 
 mankind — warriors, who have hired themselves 
 to the trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous 
 patriotism, or to protect the injured and defence- 
 less, but merely to gain the vaunted glory of be- 
 ing adroit and successful in massacring their fel- 
 low beings ! What are the great events that con- 
 stitute a glorious era? — The fall of empires — the 
 desolation of happy countries — splendid cities 
 smoking in their ruins — the proudest works of 
 art tumbled in the dust — the shrieks and groans 
 of whole nations ascending unto heaven! 
 
 It is thus the historians may be said to thrive 
 on the miseries of mankind, like birds of prey that 
 hover over the field of battle, to fatten on the 
 mighty dead. It was observed by a great project- 
 
HEROES FOR WHAT DESIGNED. 231 
 
 or. of inland lock navigation, that rivers, lakes, 
 and oceans, were only formed to feed canals. — 
 In like manner I am tempted to believe, that plots, 
 conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres, are 
 ordained by Providence only as food for the his- 
 torian. 
 
 It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, 
 in studying the wonderful economy of nature, to 
 trace the mutual dependencies of things, how 
 they areXreated reciprocally for each other, and 
 how the most noxious and apparently unnecessa- 
 ry animal has its uses. Thus those swarms of 
 flies, which are so often execrated as useless ver- 
 min, are created for the sustenance of spiders — 
 and spiders, on the other hand, are evidently 
 made to devour flies. So those heroes who have 
 been such scourges to the world, were bounte- 
 ously provided as themes for the poet and the 
 historian, while the poet and the historian were 
 destined to record the achievements of heroes ! 
 
 These, and many similar reflections, naturally 
 arose in my mind, as I took up my pen to com- 
 mence the reign of William Kieft : for now the 
 stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled in 
 a tranquil current, is about to depart for ever from 
 its peaceful haunts, and brawl through many a 
 turbulent and rugged scene. Like some sleek ox, 
 which, having fed and fattened in a rich clover 
 field lies sunk in luxurious repose, and will bear 
 repeated taunts and blows, before it heaves its 
 
232 REIGN OF WILLIAM THE TESTY. 
 
 unwieldy limbs and clumsily arouses from its 
 slumbers ; so the province of the Nieuw-Neder- 
 landts, having long thrived and grown corpulent, 
 under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was 
 reluctantly awakened to a melancholy conviction, 
 that, by patient sufferance, its grievances had be- 
 come so numerous and aggravating, that it was 
 preferable to repel than endure them. The 
 reader will now witness the manner in which a 
 peaceful community advances towards a state of 
 war ; which it is too apt to approach, as a horse 
 does a drum, with much prancing and parade, but 
 with Httle progress — and too often with the wrong 
 end foremost. 
 
 WiLHELMUS KiEFT, who in 1634 ascended the 
 gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favourite, though 
 clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists,) was 
 in form, feature, and character, the very reverse 
 of Wouter Van Twiller, his renowned predeces- 
 sor. He was of very respectable descent, his fa- 
 ther being Inspector of Windmills in the ancient 
 town of Saardam; and our hero, we are told, made 
 very curious in /estigations into the nature and 
 operations of those machines when a boy, which 
 is one reason why he afterwards came to be so 
 ingenious a governor. His name, according to 
 the most ingenious etymologists, was a corruption 
 ofKyver, that is to say, a wrangler or scolder, and 
 expressed the hereditary disposition of his family; 
 which for nearly two centuries had kept the windy 
 
HIS PERSONAL ENDOWMENT'S. 233 
 
 town of Saardam in hot water, and produced more 
 tartars and brimstones than any ten famiHes in 
 the place — and so truly did Wilhelmus Kieft in- 
 herit this family endowment, that he had scarcely 
 been a year in the discharge of his government, 
 before he was universally known by the appella- 
 tion of William the Testy. 
 
 He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, 
 who had dried and withered away, partly through 
 the natural process of years, and partly from be- 
 ing parched and burnt up by his fiery soul ; which 
 blazed like a vehement rush light in his bosom, 
 constantly inciting him to most valourous broils, 
 altercations, and misadventures. 1 have heard it 
 observed by a profound and philosophical judge of 
 human nature, that if a woman waxes fat as she 
 grows old, the tenure of her life is very precari- 
 ous, but if haply she withers, she hves for ever — 
 such likewise was the case wdth William the Tes- 
 ty, who grew tougher in proportion as he dried.* 
 He was some such a little Dutchman as we may 
 now and then see stumping briskly about the 
 streets of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with 
 huge buttons, an old fashioned cocked hat stuck 
 on the back of his head, and a cane as high as his 
 chin. His visage was broad, and his features sharp, 
 his nose turned up with a most petulant curl; his 
 cheeks were scorched into a dusky red — doubtless 
 in consequence of the neighbourhood of two fierce 
 little gray eyes, through which his torrid soul 
 
234 HIS UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS. 
 
 beamed with tropical fervour. The corners of his 
 mouth were curiously modelled into a kind of fret 
 work, not a little resembling the wrinkled pro- 
 boscis of an irritable pug dog — in a word, he was 
 one of the most positive, restless, ugly, little men, 
 that ever put himself in a passion about nothing. 
 Such were the personal endowments of William 
 the Testy, but it was the sterling riches of his 
 mind that raised him to dignity and power. In 
 his youth he had passed with great credit through 
 a celebrated academy at the Hague, noted for pro- 
 ducing finished scholars with a despatch unequal- 
 led, except by certain of our American colleges. 
 Here he skirmished very smartly on the frontiers 
 of several of the sciences, and rriade so gallant an 
 inroad in the dead languages, as to bring oiF cap- 
 tive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, to- 
 gether with divers pithy saws and apophthegms, all 
 which he constantly paraded in conversation and 
 writing, with as much vain glory as would a tri- 
 umphant general of yore display the spoils of the 
 countries he had ravaged. He had, moreover, puz- 
 zled himself considerably with logic, in v/hich he 
 had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar 
 acquaintance, by name at least, with the whole 
 family of syllogisms and dilemmas ; but what he 
 chiefly valued himself on, was his knowledge of 
 metaphysics, in which, having once upon a time 
 ventured too deeply, he came well nigh being 
 smothered in a slough of unintelligible learning — 
 
H13 UNIVERSAL ACQUIREMENTS. 235 
 
 a fearful peril, from the effects of which he never 
 perfectly recovered. This, I must confess, was 
 in- some measure a misfortune, for he never en- 
 gaged in argument, of which he was exceeding 
 fond, but what, between logical deductions and 
 metaphysical jargon, he soon involved himself 
 and his subject in a fog of contradictions and per- 
 plexities, and then would get into a mighty passion 
 with his adversary for not being convinced gratis. 
 
 It is in knowledge as in swimming; he who os- 
 tentatiously sports and flounders on the surface, 
 makes more noise and splashing, and attracts more 
 attention, than the industrious pearl diver, who 
 plunges in search of treasures to the bottom. The 
 "universal acquirements" of William Kieft were 
 the subject of great marvel and admiration among 
 his countrymen — he figured about at the Hague 
 with as much vain glory as does a profound Bonze 
 at Pekin, who has mastered half the letters of the 
 Chinese alphabet; and, in a word, was unanimous- 
 ly pronounced dinuniver sal genius/ — I have known 
 many universal geniuses in my time, though, to 
 speak my mind freely, 1 never knew one, who, for 
 the ordinarypurposesof life, was worth his weight 
 in straw — but, for the purposes of government, a 
 little sound- judgment, and plain common sense, 
 is worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote 
 poetry, or invented theories. 
 
 Strange as it may sound, therefore, the univer- 
 sal acquirements of the illustrious Wilhelmus were 
 
236 THEIR DISADVANTAGES. 
 
 Tery much in his way, and had he heen a less 
 learned man* it is possible he would have been a 
 much greater governor. He was exceedingly fond 
 of trying philosophical and political experiments; 
 and having stuffed his head full of scraps and rem- 
 nants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and 
 aristocracies, and monarchies, and the laws of So- 
 lon and Lycurgus and Charondas, and the imagi- 
 nary commonwealth of Plato, and the Pandects 
 of Justinian, and a thousand other fragments of 
 venerable antiquity, he was for ever bent upon 
 introducing some one or other of them into use ; 
 so that between one contradictory measure and 
 another, he eiitangled the government of the lit- 
 tle province of Nieuw-Nederlandts in more knots 
 during his administration, than half a dozen suc- 
 cessors could have untied. 
 
 No sooner had this bustling little man been 
 blown by a whiff of fortune into the seat of go- 
 vernment, than he called together his coun(5il,and 
 delivered a very animated speech on the affairs of 
 the province. As every body knows what a glo- 
 rious opportunity a governor, a president, or even 
 an emperor has, of drubbing his enemies in his 
 speeches, messages, and bulletins, where he has 
 the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the 
 high mettled William Kieft did not suffer so fa- 
 vourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing 
 that gallantry of tongue, common to all able legis- 
 lators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that 
 
SYMPHONY PRECEDIXG HIS SPEECH. 237 
 
 he took out his pocket handerchief, and gave a 
 very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the 
 usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I 
 believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call 
 the attention of the auditors, but with William 
 the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he 
 had read of the singular expedient of that famous 
 demagogue, Caius Gracchus, who, when he ha- 
 rangued the Roman populace, modulated his 
 tones by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe. 
 
 This . prepatory symphony being performed, 
 he commenced by expressing a humble sense of 
 his own want of talents — ^his utter unworthiness 
 of the honour conferred upon him, and his humi- 
 liating incapacity to discharge the important du- 
 ties of his new station — in short, he expressed so 
 contemptible an opinion of himself, that many 
 simple country members present, ignorant that 
 these were mere words of course, always used on 
 such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt 
 wroth that he should accept an office, for which 
 he was consciously so inadequate. 
 ' He then proceeded in a manner highly classic 
 and profoundly erudite, though nothing at all to 
 the purpose, being nothing more than a pompous 
 account of all the governments of ancient Greece, 
 and the wars of Rome and Carthage, together with 
 the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, 
 about which the assembly knew no more than their 
 great grand children yet unborn. Thus having, 
 
 VOL. I 21 
 
238 HIS AWFUL PROCLAMATION. 
 
 after the manner of jour learned orators, convinc- 
 ed the audience that he was a man of many words 
 and great erudition, he at length came to the less 
 important part of his speech, the situation of the 
 province — and here he soon worked himself into 
 a fearful rage against the Yankees, whom he com- 
 pared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the 
 Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains 
 of Europe — nor did he forget to mention, in terms 
 of adequate opprobium, the insolence with which 
 the J had encroached upon the territories of New- 
 Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with 
 which they had commenced the town of New-Ply- 
 mouth, and planted the onion patches of Weathers- 
 lield, under the very walls of fort Goed Hoop. 
 
 Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of ter- 
 ror to a climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, 
 and declared, with a nod of knowing import, that 
 he had taken measures to put a final stop to these 
 encroachments — that he had been obliged to have 
 recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately 
 invented, awful in its effects, but authorized by 
 direful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to 
 conquer the Yankees — by proclamation! 
 
 For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous 
 instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, 
 and enjoining the intruders aforesaid, forthwith to 
 remove, depart, and v>'it}idraw from the districts, 
 regions, and territories aforesaid, under pain of 
 suiFering ail the penalties, forfeitures, and punish- 
 
^9 
 
 ments in such case made and provided. This 
 proclamation, he assured them, would at once 
 exterminate the enemy from the face of the coun- 
 try, and he pledged his valour as a governor, that 
 within two months after it was puhhshed, not one 
 stone should remain on another in any of the 
 towns which they had built. 
 
 The council remained for some time silent after 
 he had finished ; whether struck dumb with admi- 
 ration at the brilliancy of his project, or put to 
 sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of 
 the times does not mention. Suflice it to say, 
 they at length gave a universal grunt of acquies- 
 cence — the proclamation was immediately des- 
 patched with due ceremony, having the great seal 
 of the province, which was about the size of a 
 buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red 
 riband. Governor Kieft having thus vented his 
 indignation, felt greatly relieved — adjourne i the 
 council — put on his cocked hat and corduroy 
 small clothes, and mounting a tall raw boned 
 charger, trotted out to his country seat, which 
 was situated in a sweet, secjuestered swamp, now 
 called Dutch-street, but more commonly known 
 by the name of Dog's Misery. 
 
 Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the 
 toils of legislation, taking lessons in government, 
 not from the nymph Egeria, but from the honour- 
 ed wife of his bosom ; who was one of that pecu- 
 liar kind of females, sent upon earth a little after 
 
240 HE WHO WOtTLD GOVERN MUST OBEV. 
 
 Ihe flood, as a punishment for the sins of man- 
 kind, and commonly known by the appellation of 
 knoioing women. In fact, my duty as an histo- 
 rian obliges me to make known a circumstance 
 which was a great secret at the time, and conse- 
 quently was not a subject of scandal at more than 
 half the tea tables in New-Amsterdam, but which, 
 hke many other great secrets, has leaked out in 
 the lapse of years — and this was, that the great 
 Wiihelmus the Testy, though one of the most po- 
 tent little men that ever breathed, yet submitted 
 at home to a species of government, neither laid 
 down in Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it partook 
 of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and ig 
 familiarly denominated petticoat government. — 
 An absolute sway, which, though exceedingly 
 common in these modern days, was very rare 
 among the ancients, if we may judge from the 
 rout made about the domestic economy of honest 
 Socrates ; which is the only ancient case on re- 
 cord. 
 
 The great Kieft, however, warded off all the 
 sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who 
 are ever ready to joke v» ith a man on sore points 
 of the kind, by alleging that it was a government 
 of his own election, to which he submitted through 
 choice ; adding at the same time a profound max- 
 im which he had found in an ancient author, that 
 "he who would aspire to govern should firhl 
 learn to obey,'"''' 
 
FAtE OF THE PROCLAMATION. 241 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 In which are recordtd the sage projects of a ruler 
 . of universal genius. The art of fighting hy 
 proclamation^ — and how that the valiant Jaco- 
 bus Van Curlet came to he foully dishonoured at 
 fort Goed Hoop, 
 
 Never was a more comprehensive, a more ex- 
 peditious, or, what is still better, a more economi- 
 cal measure devised, than this of defeating the 
 Yankees by proclamation — an expedient, like- 
 wise, j=o humane, so gentle and pacific, there were 
 ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding, — 
 but then there was one chance to ten that it would 
 not succeed — as the ill-natured fates would have 
 it, that single chance carried the day ! The pro- 
 clamation was perfect in all its parts, well con- 
 structed, well written, well sealed, and well pub- 
 hshed — all that v/as wanting to insure its effect 
 was that the Yankees should stand in awe of it ; 
 but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the 
 most absolute contempt, applied it to an unseem- 
 ly purpose, and thus did the first warlike procla- 
 mation come to a shameful end — a fate which I 
 am credibly informed has befallen but too many 
 of its successors. 
 
 21* 
 
242 FATE or THE PROCLAMATION". 
 
 It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kleft 
 could be persuaded by the united efforts of all his 
 counsellors, that his war measures had failed in 
 producing any eflect. On the contrary, he flew in 
 a passion whenever any one dared to question itft 
 efficacy ; and swore that, though it was slow in 
 operating, yet when once it began to work, it 
 would soon purge the land of these rapacious in- 
 truders. Time, however, that test of all experi- 
 ments, both in philosophy and politics, at length 
 convinced the great Kieft, that his proclamation 
 was abortive ; and that notwithstanding he had 
 waited nearly four years in a state of constant ir- 
 ritation, yet he was still farther off than ever from 
 the object of his wishes. His implacable advep- 
 saries in the east became more and more trouble- 
 some in their encroachments, and founded the 
 thriving colony of Hartford close upon the skirts 
 of fort Goed Hoop. They, moreover, commen- 
 ced the fair settlement of New Haven (otherwise 
 called the Red Hills,) within the domains of their 
 High Mightinesses — while the onion patches of 
 Pyquag were a continual eye-sore to the garrison 
 of Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the 
 inefficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many 
 a worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, 
 not to the medicine, but to the quantity adminis- 
 tered, and resolutely resolved to double the dose* 
 
 In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth 
 year of his reign, he fulminated against them a 
 
A SECOND OXE ISSUED. 243 
 
 second proclamation, of heavier metal than the 
 former; written in thundering long sentences, not 
 one word of which was under five syllables. This, 
 in fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbid- 
 ding and prohibiting all commerce and connexion 
 between any and every of the said Yankee intru- 
 ders, and the said fortified post of fort Goed Hoop, 
 and ordering, commanding, and advising, all his 
 trusty, loyal, and weii-beloved subjects, to furnish 
 them with no supplies of gin, gingerbread, or sour 
 crout; to buy none of their pacing horses, measlj 
 pork, apple brandy, Yankee Rum, cider water, 
 apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or 
 wooden bowls, but to starve and exterminate 
 them from the face of the land. 
 
 Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, du- 
 ring which the last proclamation received the same 
 attention, and experienced the same fate as the 
 first — at the end of which term, the gallant Jaco- 
 bus Van Curlet despatched his annual messenger, 
 with his customary budget of complaints and en- 
 treaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, 
 intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's 
 couriers, was occasioned by the systematic regu- 
 larity of his movements, or by the immense dis- 
 tance at which he was stationed from the seat of 
 government, is a matter of uncertainty. Some 
 have ascribed it to the slowness of his messengers, 
 who, as 1 have before noticed, were chosen from 
 the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least 
 
244 SLOWNESS OF HIS MESSENGERS. 
 
 likely to be worn out on the road; and who, being 
 pursy, short winded Httle men, generally travelled 
 fifteen miles a day, and then laid by a whole week 
 to rest. All these, however, are matters of con- 
 jecture; and I rather think it may be ascribed to 
 the immemorial maxim of this worthy country — 
 and which has ever influenced all its public trans- 
 actions — not to do things in a hurry. 
 
 The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his de- 
 spatches, respectfully represented, that several 
 years had now elapsed since his first application 
 to his late excellency, Wouter Van Twiller; du- 
 ring which interval, his garrison had been reduced 
 nearly one-eighth, by the death of two of his most 
 valiant and corpulent soldiers, who had accident- 
 ally overeaten themselves on some fat salmon, 
 caught in the Varsche river. He further stated, 
 that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking 
 no notice of the fort or its inhabitants; but squat- 
 ting themselves down, and forming settlements all 
 around it; so that, in a little while, he should find 
 himself enclosed and blockaded by the enemy, 
 and totally at their mercy. 
 
 But among the most atrocious of his grievances, 
 I find the following still on record, which may 
 serve to show the bloody minded outrages of these 
 savage intruders. " In the mean time, they of 
 Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the 
 lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and 
 against the lawes of nations, buthave hinderedour 
 
243 
 
 nation in sowing theire own purchased broken up 
 lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the 
 night, which the Nederlanders had broken up and 
 intended to sowe : and have beaten the servants of 
 the high and mighty the honored companie, which 
 were labouring upon theire master's lands, from 
 theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile 
 manner laming, and among the rest, struck Ever 
 Duckings* a hole in his head, with a stick, so that 
 the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon 
 his body." 
 
 But what is still more atrocious — 
 " Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged 
 to the honored companie, under pretence that it 
 had eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had 
 not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the 
 hogg for 55. if the commissioners would have given 
 5s, for damage; which the commissioners denied, 
 because noe man's own hogg (as men used to say) 
 can trespass upon his owne master's grounde. "t 
 The receipt of this melancholy intelligence in- 
 censed the whole community — there was some- 
 thing in it that spoke to the dull comprehension, 
 and touched the obtuse feelings even of the puis- 
 sant vulgar, who generally require a kick in the 
 rear to awaken their slumbering dignity. I have 
 
 * This name is no doubt mispelt. In some old Dutch 
 MSS. of the time, we find the name of Evert Duj'cking-h, 
 who is unquestionably the unfortunate hero above allu- 
 ded to. 
 
 I Haz. Col. Stat. Papers. 
 
 I 
 
246 DELIBERATIONS OF THE COtJNCIL. 
 
 known mj profound fellow citizens bear without 
 murmur, a thousand essential infringements of 
 their rights, merely because they were not imme- 
 diately obvious to their senses — but the moment 
 the unlucky Pearce was shot upon our coasts, the 
 whole body politic was in a ferment — so the en- 
 lightened Nederlanders, though they had treated 
 the encroachments oftheireastern neighbours with 
 but little regard, and left their quill valiant govern- 
 or to bear the whole brunt of war with his single 
 pen — yet now every individual felt his head bro- 
 ken in the broken head of Duckings — and the un- 
 happy fate of their fellow citizen the hog, being 
 impressed, carried and sold into captivity, awak- 
 ened a grunt of sympathy from every bo^om. 
 
 The governor and council, goaded by the cla- 
 mours of the multitude, now set themselves earn- 
 estly to deliberate upon what was to be done. — 
 Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary 
 disrepute; some were for sending the Yankees a 
 tribute, as we make peace offerings to the petty 
 Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the 
 devil. Others were for buying them out, but this 
 was opposed, as it would be acknowledging their 
 title to the land they had seized. A variety of 
 measures were as usual in such cases, proposed, 
 discussed and abandoned, and the council had at 
 last to adopt the means, which being the most 
 common and obvious, had been knowingly over- 
 looked — for your amazing acute politicians are 
 
CAFTURE or rORT «OED HOOF. 247 
 
 for ever looking through telescopes, which only 
 enable them to see such objects as are far off, and 
 unattainable, but which incapacitate them to see 
 such things as are in their reach, and obvious to 
 all simple folks, who are content to look with the 
 naked eyes heaven has given them. The pro- 
 found council, as I have said, in their pursuit af- 
 ter Jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the 
 very measure they were in need of; which was to 
 raise a body of troops, and despatch them to the 
 relief and reinforcement of the garrison. This 
 measure was carried into such prompt operation, 
 that in less than twelve months, the whole expe- 
 dition, consisting of a sergeant and twelve men, 
 was ready to march ; and was reviewed for that 
 purpose, in the public square, now known by the 
 name of the Bowling Green. Just at this junc- 
 ture the whole community was thrown into con- 
 sternation, by the sudden arrival of the gallant 
 Jacobus Van Curlet ; who came straggling into 
 town at the head of his crew of tatterdemalions, 
 and bringing the melancholy tidings of his own 
 defeat, and the capture of the redoutable post of 
 fort Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees. 
 
 The fate of this important fortress is an impres- 
 sive v/arning to ail military commanders. It was 
 neither carried by storm nor famine •, no practica- 
 ble breach was effected by cannon or mines ; no 
 magazines were blown up by red hot shot, nor 
 were the barracks demolished, or the garrison de- 
 
248 STRATAGEM OP THE YANKEES. 
 
 stroyed, by the bursting of bombshells. In fact, 
 the place was taken by a stratagem no less singu- 
 lar than effectual ; and one that can never fail of 
 success, whenever an opportunity occurs of put- 
 ting it in practice. Happy am I to add, for the 
 credit of our illustrious ancestors, that it was a 
 stratagem, which though it impeached the vigi- 
 lance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van Cur- 
 let and his garrison perfectly free from reproach. 
 
 It appears that the crafty Yankees, havingheard 
 of the regular habits of the garrison, watched a 
 favourable opportunity, and silently introduced 
 themselves into the fort, about the middle of a 
 sultry day ; when its vigilant defenders, having 
 gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, and 
 smoked out their pipes, were one and all snoring 
 most obstreperously at their posts, little dream- 
 ing of so disastrous an occurrence. The enemy 
 most inhumanly seized Jacobus Van Curlet and 
 his sturdy myrmidons by the nape of the neck, 
 gallanted them to the gate of the fort, and dismiss- 
 ed them severally, with a kick on the crupper, as 
 Charles the Twelfth dismissed the heavy bottom- 
 ed Russians, after the battle of Narva — only ta- 
 king care to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a 
 signal mark of distinction. 
 
 A strong garrison was immediately established 
 in the fort, consisting of twenty long sided, hard 
 fisted Yankees, with Weathersfield onions stuck 
 in their hats, by way of cockades and feathers — 
 
YANKEE ©ARRISON. 249 
 
 long rusty fowling pieces for muskets — ^hasty pud- 
 ding, dumb fish, pork and molasses for stores ; 
 and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a 
 pole, as a standard — liberty caps not having as yet 
 come into fashion. 
 
 VOL. I. 22 
 
250 WRATH OP GOVERNOR KIEFT. 
 
 CHAPTER IIJ. 
 
 Containing the fearful wrath of William the Tes- 
 ty, and the great dolour of the New-Amster- 
 dammers, because of the affair of fort Goed 
 Hoop, — And, moreover, how William the Testy 
 did strongly fortify the city, — Together with 
 the exploits of Stoffel Brinkerhoff, 
 
 Language cannot express the prodigious fury 
 into which the testy Wilhelmus Kieft was thrown 
 by this provoking intelhgence. For three good 
 hours the rage of the httle man was too great for 
 words, or rather the words were too great for him ; 
 and he was nearly choked by some dozen huge, 
 mis-shapen, nine cornered Dutch oaths, that 
 crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed 
 off the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing 
 for three whole days — anathematizing the Yan- 
 kees, man, woman, and child, body and soul, for 
 a set of dieven.schobbejaken, deugenieten, twist- 
 zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes-kaken, kak- 
 ken-bedden, and a thousand other names of which, 
 unfortunately for posterity, history does not make 
 mention. Finally, he swore that he would have 
 nothing more to do with such a squatting, bund- 
 ling, guessing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin- 
 
DESPONDENCY PREVAILS. 2o 1 
 
 eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-splitting, cider- 
 watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew 
 — that thejmight stay at fort Gocd Hoop and rot, 
 before he would dirty his hands by attempting to 
 drive them away; in proof of whichhe ordered the 
 new raised troops to be iifpirched forthwith into 
 winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite 
 mid-summer. Governor Kieft faithfully kept his 
 word, and his adversaries as faithfully kept their 
 post; and thus theglorious river Connecticut, and 
 all the gay valleys through which it rolls, together 
 with the salmon, shad, and other fish within its 
 waters, fell into the hands of the victorious Yan- 
 kees, by whom they are held at this very day. 
 
 Great despondency seized upon the city of 
 New-Amsterdam, in consequence of these melan- 
 choly events. The name of Yankee became as 
 terrible among our good ancestors as was that of 
 Gaul among the ancient Romans ; and all the 
 sage old women of the province used it as a 
 bug-bear, Avherewith to frighten their unruly 
 children into obedience. 
 
 The eyes of all the province were now turned 
 upon their governor, to know what he would do 
 for the protection of the common weal, in these 
 days of darkness and peril. Great apprehensions 
 prevailed among the reflectingpartof thecommu- 
 nity, especially the old women, that these terri- 
 ble warriors of Connecticut, not content with the 
 conquest of fort Goed Hoop, would incontinent- 
 
252 VAN COKLEAR, THE TRUMPETER* 
 
 }y march on to New- Amsterdam and take it by 
 storm — and as these old ladies, through means of 
 the governor's spouse, who, as has been already 
 hinted, was " the better horse," had obtained 
 considerable influence in public affairs, keeping 
 the province under a ;^ind of petticoat govern- 
 ment, it was determined that measures should be 
 taken for the effective fortification of the city. 
 
 Now ithappened that atthis time there sojourn- 
 ed in New-x\msterdam one Anthony Van Corlear,* 
 a jolly fat Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burly 
 visage, famous for his long wind and his huge 
 whiskers, and who, as the story goes, could twang 
 so potently upon his instrument, as to produce an 
 effect upon all within hearing, as though ten thou- 
 sand bag-pipes were singing right lustily i' the 
 nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as 
 the man of all the world most fitted to be the 
 champion of New- Amsterdam, and to garrison its 
 fort ; making little doubt but that his instrument 
 Wuld be as effectual and offensive in war as was 
 that of the Paladin Astolpho, or the more classic 
 horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart 
 good to have seen the governor snapping his fing- 
 ers and fidgetting with delight, while his sturdy 
 
 * David Pietrez De Tories, in his " Reyze naer Nieiiw^- 
 Nederland tender het year 1640," makes mention of one 
 Corlear^ a trumpeter in fort Amsterdam, who g-ave name 
 to Corlear's Hook, and who was douhtless this same 
 champion, described by Mr. Knickerbocker. Editor. 
 
WINDMILL FORTIFICATIONS. 253 
 
 trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, 
 fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the 
 whole world, like a thrice valorous editor daring- 
 ly insulting all the principalities and powers — 
 on the other side of the Atlantic. 
 
 Nor was he contentwith thus strongly garrison- 
 ing the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to 
 its strength, by furnishing it with a formidable 
 battery of quaker guns — rearing a stupendous 
 flag staff in the centre, which overtopped the 
 whole city— -and, moreover, by building a great 
 ■windmill on one of the bastions.* This last, to be 
 sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of 
 fortification, but, as I have already observed, Wil- 
 liam Ki eft was notorious for innovations and ex- 
 periments, and traditions do affirm that he was 
 much given to mechanical inventions — construct- 
 ing patent smoke-jacks — carts th^t went before 
 the horses, and especially erecting windmills, for 
 which machines he had acquired a singular pre- 
 dilection in his native town of Saardam. 
 
 All these scientific vagaries of the little govern- 
 or were cried up with ecstacy by his adherents, 
 as proof of his universal genius — but there were 
 not wanting ill-natured grumblers, who railed at 
 him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, 
 
 * De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the 
 south-east bastion, and it is likewise to be seen, together 
 with the flag-staff, in Justus Danker's View of New-Am- 
 sterdam. 
 
 22* 
 
254 ILLIBERAL SLANDER ON THE GOVERNOR. 
 
 and devoting that time to smoke-jacks and wind- 
 mills which should have been occupied in the 
 more important concerns of the province. Nay, 
 they even went so far as to hint once or twice, 
 that his head was turned by his experiments, and 
 that he really thought to manage his government 
 as he did his mills — by mere wind ! — such is the 
 illiberality and slander to which enlightened ru- 
 lers are ever subject. 
 
 Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of 
 William the Testy, to place the city in a posture 
 of defence, the inhabitants continued in great 
 alarm and despondency. But fortune, who seems 
 always careful, in the very nick of time, to throw 
 a bone for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling 
 clf may be kept alive, did about this time crown 
 the arms of the province with success in another 
 quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of 
 the forlorn Nederlanders ; otherwise there is no 
 knowing to what lengths they might have gone 
 in the excess of their sorrowing — '' for grief," 
 says the profound historian of the seven cham- 
 pions of Christendom, " is companion with de- 
 spair, and despair a procurerofinfamousdeath!" 
 Among the numerous inroads of the Mosstroop- 
 ers of Connecticut, which, for some time past, had 
 occasioned such great tribulation, I should parti- 
 cularly have mentioned a settlement made on the 
 eastern part of Long Island, at a place which, from 
 the peculiar excellence of its shell fish, was called 
 
ATTACK ON OYSTER BAT. 255 
 
 Oyster Bay. This was attacking the province in 
 a most sensible part, and, occasioned great agita- 
 tion at New-Amsterdam. 
 
 It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to 
 skilful physiologists, that the high road to the af- 
 fections is through the throat; and this may be ac- 
 counted for on the same principles which 1 have 
 already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. 
 Nor is the fact unknown to the world at large ; 
 and hence do we observe, that the surest way to 
 gain the hearts of the million, is ^o feed them \yell 
 — and that a man is nevqr so disposed to flatter, 
 to please and serve another, as when he is feeding 
 at his expense ; which is one reason why your rich 
 men, who give frequent dinners, have such abund- 
 ance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this 
 principle that our knowing leaders of parties se- 
 cure the affections of their partizans, by reward- 
 ing them bountifully with loaves and fishes ; and 
 entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating 
 them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have 
 known many a man, in this same city, acquire 
 considerable importance in society, and usurp a 
 large share of the good will of his enlightened fel- 
 low-citizens, when the only thing that could be 
 said in his eulogium was, that " he gave a good 
 dinner, and kept excellent wine." 
 
 Since then the heart and the stomach are so 
 nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what af- 
 fects the one, must sympathetically affect the 
 
^5Q STOFPEL THE HEAD-BREAKER. 
 
 other. Now it is an equally iucontrovertible fact, 
 that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none 
 more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, 
 known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. 
 And in such great reverence has it ever been held, 
 by my gormandizing fellow-citizens, that temples 
 have been dedicated to it, time out of mind, in 
 every street, lane, and alley, throughout this well 
 fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that 
 the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place abounding with 
 their favourite delicacy, would be tolerated by 
 the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam. An attack 
 upon their honour they might have pardoned ; 
 even the massacre of a few citizens might have 
 been passed over in silence ; but an outrage that 
 affected the larders of the great city of New- Am- 
 sterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its cor- 
 pulent burgomasters, was too serious to pass un- 
 revenged. — The whole council was unanimous in 
 opinion, that the intruders should be immediate- 
 ly driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay and 
 its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly de- 
 spatched for the purpose, under the command of 
 one Stoffel BrinkerhotF, or Brinkerhoofd, (i, e, 
 Stoffel, the head-breaker) so called because he 
 was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout 
 the whole extent of Nieuw-Nederlandts for his 
 skill at quarter-staff, and for size, he would have 
 been a match for Colbrand, the Danish champion, 
 slain by Guy of Warwick. 
 
MEETS THE ENEMY. 257 
 
 StofFel Brinkerhoff was a man of few words, 
 but prompt actions — one of your straight going 
 officers, who march directly forward, and do their 
 orders without making any parade. He used no 
 extraordinary speed in his movements, but trudg- 
 ed steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and 
 Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town of 
 Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, 
 which, by some unaccountable witchcraft of the 
 Yankees, have been strangely transplanted to 
 Long-Island, until he arrived in the neighbour- 
 hood of Oyster Bay. 
 
 Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host 
 of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and 
 Habbakuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerub- 
 babel Fisk, and Jonathan Doolittle, and Deter- 
 mined Cock ! — at the sound of whose names the 
 courageous StofFel verily believed that the whole 
 parliament of Praise God Barebones had been let 
 loose to discomfit him. Finding, however, that 
 this formidable body was composed merely of the 
 " select men" of the settlement, arm.ed with no 
 other weapon but their tongues, and that they had 
 issued forth with no other intent than to meet him 
 on the field of argument — he succeeded in putting 
 them to the rout with little difficulty, and com- 
 pletely broke up their settlement. Without wait- 
 ing to write an account of his victory on the spot, 
 and thus letting the enemy slip through his fin- 
 gers, while he was securing his own laurels, as a 
 
258 HIS MIGHTY VICTORY. 
 
 more experienced general would have done, the 
 brave StofFel thought of nothing but completing 
 his enterprise, and utterly driving the Yankees 
 from the island. This hardy enterprise he per- 
 formed in much the same manner as he had been 
 accustomed to drive his oxen ; for as the Yankees 
 fled before him, he pulled up his breeches and 
 trudged steadily after (hem, and would infallibly 
 have driven them into the sea, had they not beg- 
 ged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute. 
 
 The news of this achievement was a seasonable 
 restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New- 
 Amsterdam. To gratify them still more, the go- 
 vernor resolved to astonish them with one of those 
 gorgeous spectacles, known in the days of classic 
 antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged 
 into his memory, when a school-boy at the Hague. 
 A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to Stof- 
 fel BrinkerhofF, who made his triumphant entrance 
 into town riding on a Naraganset pacer ; five pump- 
 kins, which, like Roman Eagles, had served the 
 enemy for standards, were carried before him — 
 fifty cart loads of oysters, five hundred bushels of 
 Weathersfield onions, a hundred quintals of cod- 
 fish, two hogsheads of molasses, and various other 
 treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute 
 of the Yankees; while three notorious counterfeit- 
 ers of Manhattan notes* were led captive to grace 
 
 * This is one of those tHvial anarch ronisms, that now 
 amd tUea occur in the course of this otherwise autkentic 
 
HIS TRIUMPHAL ENTRY, 259 
 
 the hero's triumph. The procession was enliven- 
 ed bj martial music from the trumpet of Antony 
 Van Corlear the champion, accompanied by a se- 
 lect band of boys and negroes, performing on the 
 national instruments of rattle bones and clam 
 shells. The citizens devoured the spoils in sheer 
 gladness of heart — every man did honour to the 
 conqueror by getting devoutly drunk on New- 
 England rum — and the learned Wilhelmus Kieft 
 calling to mind, in a momentary fit of enthusiasm 
 and generosity, that it was customary among the 
 ancients to honour their victorious generals with 
 public statues, passed a gracious degree, by which 
 every tavern-keeper was permitted to paint the 
 head of the intrepid Stoifel on his sign ! 
 
 history. How could Manhattan notes be counterfeited, 
 when as yet Banks were unknown in this country — and 
 our simple progenitors had not even dreamt of those in- 
 exhaustible mines of paper opulmee. 
 
 ^ Print Dev, 
 
260 PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Philosophical reflections on the folly of being hap- 
 py in times of prosperity. — Sundry troubles on 
 the southern frontiers, — How William the Testy 
 had well nigh ruined the province through a 
 cabalistic word, — Jls also the secret expedition 
 of Jan Jans en Alpendam, and his astonishing 
 reward. 
 
 If we could but get a peep at the tally of dame - 
 Fortune, where, like a notable landlady, she regu- 
 larly chalks up the debtor and creditor accounts 
 of mankind, we should find that, upon the whole, 
 good and evil are pretty nearly balanced in this 
 world; and that though we may for a long while 
 revel in the very lap of prosperity, the time will 
 at length come when we must ruefully pay off the 
 reckoning. Fortune, in fact, is a pestilent shrew, 
 and withal a most inexorable creditor; for though 
 she may indulge her favourites in long credits, 
 and overwhelm them with her favours, yet soon- 
 er or later she brings up her arrears with the ri- 
 gour of an experienced publican, and washes 
 out her scores with their tears. " Since," says 
 good old Boetius, " no man can retain her at his 
 pleasure, and since her flight is so deeply lament- 
 
THE ESSENCE OF WISDOM. 261 
 
 ed, what are her favours hut sure prognostica- 
 tions of approaching trouble and calamity." 
 
 There is nothing that more moves my contempt 
 at the stupidity and want of reflection of my fel- 
 low men, than to behold them rejoicing, and in- 
 dulging in security and self confidence, in times 
 of prosperity. To a wise man, who is blessed with 
 the light of reason, those are the very moments of 
 anxiety and apprehension; well knowing that ac- 
 cording to the system of things, happiness is at 
 best but transient — and that the higher he is ele- 
 vated by the capricious breath of fortune, the low- 
 er must be his proportionate depression. Where- 
 as, he who is overwhelmed by calamity, has the 
 less chance of encountering fresh disasters, as a 
 man at the bottom of a ladder runs very little risk 
 of breaking his neck by tumbling to the top. 
 
 This is the very essence of true wisdom, which 
 consists in knowing when we ought to be misera- 
 ble ; and was discovered much about the same 
 time with that invaluable secret, that "every 
 thing is vanity and vexation of spirit ;" in conse- 
 quence of which maxim, your wise men have 
 ever been the unhappiest of the human race ; es- 
 teeming it an infallible mark of genius to be dis- 
 tressed without reason — since any man may be 
 miserable in time of misfortune, but it is the phi- 
 losopher alone who can discover cause for grief 
 in the very hour of prosperity. 
 
 VOL. I. 23 • . 
 
262 MINNEWITS ESTABLISHES 
 
 According to the principle! have just advanced, 
 we find that the colony of New-Netherlands, which 
 under the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had 
 flourished in such alarming and fatal serenity, is 
 now paying for its former welfare, and discharging 
 the enormous debt of comfort which it contracted. 
 Foes harrass it from different quarters ; the city of 
 New- Amsterdam, while yet in its infancy, is kept 
 in constant alarm ; and its valiant commander, 
 William the Testy, answers the vulgar, but ex- 
 pressive idea, of "a man in a peck of troubles." 
 
 While busily engaged repelling his bitter ene- 
 mies the Yankees on one side, we find him sud- 
 denly molested in another quarter, and by other 
 assailants. A vagrant colony of Swedes, under the 
 conduct of Peter Minnewits, and professing alle- 
 giance to that redoubtable virago, Christina, queen 
 of Sweden, had settled themselves and erected a 
 fort on South (or Delaware) Ripver — within the 
 boundaries claimed by the government of the 
 New-Netherlands. History is mute as to the 
 particulars of their first landing, and their real 
 pretensions to the soil; and this is the more to 
 be lamented, as this same colony of Swedes will 
 hereafter be found most materially to affect not 
 only the interests of the Nederlanders, but of the 
 world at large ! 
 
 In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond 
 colony of Swedes first took possession of the coun- 
 try, it is certain that in 1638 they established a 
 
A SWEDISH COLONY. 263 
 
 fort, and Minnewits, according to the ojff-hand 
 usage of his contemporaries, declared himself go- 
 vernor of all the adjacent countr}^, under the name 
 of the province of New-Sweden. No sooner did 
 this reach the ears of the choleric Wilhelmus, 
 than, like a true spirited chieftain, he immediately 
 broke into a violent rage, and calling together his 
 council, belaboured the Swedes most lustily in the 
 longest speech that had ever been heard in the 
 colony, since the memorable dispute of Ten 
 Breeches and Tough Breeches. Having thus 
 given verit to the first ebullitions of his indigna- 
 tion, he had resort to his favourite measure of 
 proclamation, and despatched one, piping hot, in 
 the first year of his reign, informing Peter Minne- 
 wits that the whole territory, bordering on the 
 South river, had, time out of mind, been in pos- 
 session of the Dutch colonists, having been " be- 
 set with forts, and sealed with their blood." 
 
 The latter sanguinary sentence would convey 
 an idea of direful war and bloodshed, were we not 
 relieved by the information that it merely related 
 to a fray, in which some half a dozen Dutchmen 
 had been killed by the. Indians, in their benevolent 
 attempts to establish a colony and promote civili- 
 zation. By this it will be seen that William 
 Kieft, though a very small man, delighted in big 
 expressions, and was much given to a praise-wor- 
 thy figure in rhetoric, generally cultivated by 
 your little great men, called hyperbole. A figure 
 
264 POWER OF BIG WORDS, 
 
 which has been found of infinite service among 
 many of his class, and which has helped to swell 
 the grandeur of many a mighty, self-important, 
 but windy chief magistrate. Nor can I resist in 
 this place from observing how much my beloved 
 country is indebted to this same figure of hyper- 
 bole, for supporting certain of her greatest charac- 
 ters — statesmen, orators, civilians, and divines ; 
 who, by dint of big words, inflated periods, and 
 windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the surface of 
 society, as ignorant swimmers are buoyed up by 
 blown bladders. 
 
 The proclamation against Minnewits concluded 
 by ordering the self-dubbed governor, and his 
 gang of Swedish adventurers, immediately to 
 leave the country under penalty of the high dis- 
 pleasure, and inevitable vengeance of the puissant 
 government of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. This 
 " strong measure," however, does not seem to 
 liave had a whit more effect than its predecessors 
 which h-ad been thundered against the Yankees — 
 the Swedes resolutely held on to the territory they 
 had taken possession of — whereupon matters for 
 the present remained in statu quo. 
 
 That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this 
 insolent obstinacy in the Swedes would appear in- 
 compatible with his valorous temperament ; but 
 we find that about this time the little man had his 
 hands full, and what with one annoyance and 
 another, was kept contiivaally on the bounce. 
 
THE governor's HANDS FULL. 265 
 
 There is a certain description of active legisla- 
 tors, who, b J shrewd management, contrive always 
 to have a hundred irons on the anvil, every one of 
 which must be immediately attended to; who con- 
 sequently are ever full of temporary shifts and ex- 
 pedients, patching up the public welfare, and cob- 
 bling the national affairs, so as to make nine holes 
 where they mend one — stopping chinks and flaws 
 with whatever comes first to hand, like the Yan- 
 kees I have mentioned, stuffing old clothes in bro- 
 ken windows. Of this class of statesmen was 
 William the Testy — and had he only been blessed 
 with powers equal to his zeal, or his zeal been 
 disciplined by a little discretion, there is very lit- 
 He doubt but he would have made the greatest 
 governor of his size on record — the renowned go- 
 vernor of the island of Barataria alone excepted. 
 
 The great defect of Wilhelmus Kieft's policy 
 was, that though no man could be more ready to 
 stand forth in an hour of emergency, yet he was 
 so intent upon guarding the national pocket, that 
 he suffered the enemy to break its head — in other 
 words, whatever precaution for public safety he 
 adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it cheap^ 
 that he invariably renderedit ineffectual. All this 
 was a remote consequence of his profound educa- 
 tion atthe Hague — where, having acquired a smat- 
 tering of knowledge, he was ever after a great 
 Conner of indexes, continually dipping into books, 
 without ever studying to the bottom of any sub- 
 23* 
 
'^QQ HIS CABALISTIC WORD. 
 
 ject ; so that he had the scum of all kinds of au- 
 thors fermenting in his pericranium. In some of 
 these title-page researches he unluckily stumbled 
 over a grand political cabalistic word, which, with 
 his customary facility, he immediately incorpo- 
 rated into his great scheme of government, to the 
 irretrievable injury and delusion of the honest 
 province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, and the eternal 
 misleading of all experimental rulers. 
 
 In vain have I pored over the theurgia of the 
 Chaldeans, the cabala of the Jews, the necroman- 
 cy of the Arabians, the magic of the Persians, the 
 hocus pocus of the English, the witchcraft of the 
 Yankees, or the pow-wowing of the Indians, to 
 discover where the httle man first laid eyes on 
 this terrible word. Neither the Sephir Jetzirah, 
 that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the pa- 
 triarch Abraham; northe pages of the Zohar, con- 
 taining the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by 
 the learned rabbi Simeon Jochaides, yield any 
 light to my inquiries — Nor am I in the least benc- 
 lited by my painful researches in the Shem-ham- 
 phorah of Benjamin, the wandering Jew, though it 
 enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' journey 
 in twenty-four hours. Neither can 1 perceive the 
 slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred 
 name of four letters, the profoundest word of the 
 Hebrew cabala; a mystery sublime, ineffable, and 
 incommunicable— and the letters of which Jod-He- 
 Vau-He, having been stolen by tiie pagans, con- 
 
 I 
 
ECONOnr. 267 
 
 stituted their great name Jao or Jove. In short, 
 in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, magi- 
 cal, and astrological researches, from the Tetrac- 
 tjs of Pythagoras to the recondite works of Bres- 
 law and Mother Bunch, I have not discovered 
 the least vestige of an origin of this word, nor 
 have I discovered any word of sufficient potency 
 to counteract it. 
 
 Not to keep my reader in any suspense, the 
 word which had so wonderfully arrested the at- 
 tention Qf WiUiam the Testy, and which in Ger- 
 man characters had a particularly black and 
 ominous aspect, on being fairly translated into 
 the English is no other than economy — a talis- 
 manic term, which, by constant use and frequent 
 mention, has ceased to be formidable in our eyes, 
 but which has as terrible potency as any in the- 
 arcana of necromancy. 
 
 When pronounced in a national assembly it has 
 an immediate effect in closing the hearts, becloud- 
 ing the intellects, drawing the purse strings, and 
 buttoning the breeches pockets of all philosophic 
 legislators. Nor are its eifects on the eyes less 
 wonderful. It produces a contraction of the reti- 
 na, an obscurity of the crystalline lens, a viscidity 
 of the vitreous, and an inspissationof the aqueous 
 humours, an induration of the tunica sclerotica, 
 and a convexity of the cornea; insomuch that the 
 organ of vision loses its strength and perspicuity, 
 and the unfortunate patient becomes myopes, or 
 
363 ITS MIGHTY EFFECTS. 
 
 in plain English, pur-blind ; perceiving only the 
 amount of immediate expense, without being able 
 to look farther, and regard it in connexion with 
 the ultimate object to be effected. — " So that," 
 to quote the words of the eloquent Burke, " a 
 briar at his nose is of greater magnitude than an 
 oak at five hundred yards distance." Such are 
 its instantaneous operations, and the results are 
 still more astonishing. By its magic influence 
 seventy-fours shrink into frigates — frigates into 
 sloops, and sloops into gun-boats. 
 
 This all potent word, which served as his touch- 
 stone in pohtics, at once explains the w^hole sys- 
 tem of proclamations, protests, empty threats, 
 windmills, trumpeters, and p^per war, carried on 
 by Wilhelmus the Testy — and we may trace its 
 operations in an armament which he fitted out in 
 1642 in a moment of great wrath, consisting of 
 two sloops and thirty men, under the command 
 of mynher Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of 
 the fleet, and commander in chief of the forces. 
 This formidable expedition, which can only be pa- 
 ralleled by some of the daring cruizes of our in- 
 fant navy about the bay and up the sound, was in- 
 tended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuyl- 
 kill, of which they had recently taken possession 
 — and w^hich was claimed as part of the province 
 of New-Nederlandts — for it appears that at this 
 time our infant colony was in that enviable state, 
 «o much coveted by ambitious nations, that is to 
 
alpendam's expedition. 269 
 
 say, the government had a vast extent of territo- 
 ry, part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part 
 of which it had continually to quarrel about. 
 
 Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of 
 great mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed 
 at the character of the enemy, who were repre- 
 sented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, who 
 hved on hoe cakes and bacon, drank mint juleps 
 and apple toddy, and were exceedingly expert at 
 boxing, biting, gouging, tar and feathering, and a 
 variety of other athletic accomplishments, which 
 they had borrowed from their cousins-german and 
 prototypes the Virginians, to whom they have 
 ever borne considerable resemblance. Notwith- . 
 standing all these alarming representations, the 
 admiral entered the Schuylkill most undauntedly 
 with his fleet, and arrived without disaster or op- 
 position at the place of destination. 
 
 Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech 
 in Low Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previ- 
 ously put in his pocket; wherein he courteously- 
 commenced by calling them a pack of lazy, lout- 
 ing, dram-drinking, cock-fighting, horse-racing, 
 slave-driving, tavern-haunting, sabbath-break- 
 ing, mulatto breeding upstarts — and concluded 
 by ordering them to evacuate the country imme- 
 diately — to which they most laconically replied 
 in plain English, "they'd see him d d first." 
 
 Now this was a reply for which neither Jan 
 Jansen Alpendam nor Wilhelmus Kieft had made 
 
570 MIS RETURN AND FLATTERING RECEFTION. 
 
 any calculation — and finding himself totally un- 
 prepared to answer so terrible are buff with suita- 
 ble hostihty, he concluded that his wisest course 
 was to return home and report progress. He ac- 
 cordingly sailed back to New- Amsterdam, wliere 
 he was received with great honours, and consi- 
 dered as a pattern for all commanders, having 
 achieved a most hazardous enterprize, at a tri- 
 fling expense of treasure, and without losing a 
 single man to the state! — He was unanimously 
 called the dehverer of his country, (an appella- 
 tion liberally bestowed on all great men ;) his 
 two sloops having done their duty, were laid up 
 (or dry docked) in a cove now called the Albany 
 basin, where they quietly rotted in the mud ; and 
 to immortalize his name, they erected, by sub- 
 scription, a magnificent shingle monument on the 
 top of Flatten barrack hill, which lasted three 
 whole years ; when it fell to pieces, and was 
 feurnt for firewood. 
 
WISE LAW OF CHARONDAS. Z7\ 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 How William the Testy enriched the province hy e, 
 multitude of laws, and came to be the patron of 
 lawyers and bum-bailiffs, And how the people 
 became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy, 
 under his instructions. 
 
 Among the many wrecks and fragments of ex- 
 alted wisdom, which have floated down the stream 
 of time, from venerable antiquity, and have been 
 carefully picked up by those humble, but indus- 
 trious wights, who ply along the shores of Htera- 
 ture, we find the following sage ordinance of Cha- 
 rondas, the Locrian legislator. — Anxious to pre- 
 serve the ancient laws of the state from the addi- 
 tions and improvements of profound " country 
 members," or officious candidates for popularity, 
 he ordained, that whoever proposed a new law, 
 should do it with a halter about his neck ; so that 
 in case his proposition was rejected, they just 
 hung him up — and there the matter ended. 
 
 This salutary institution had such an effect, that 
 for more than two hundred years there was only 
 one trifling alteration in the criminal code — and 
 the whole race of lawyers starved to death for 
 want of employment. The consequence of this 
 
272 LAWS MULTIPLIED. 
 
 was, that the Locrians being unprotected by an 
 overwhelming load of excellent laws, and unde- 
 fended by a standing army of pettifoggers and 
 sheriff's officers, lived very lovingly together, and 
 were such a happy people, that they scarce make 
 any figure throughout the whole Grecian history 
 — for it is well known that none but your un- 
 lucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations make any 
 noise in the world. 
 
 Well would it have been for WilUam the Tes- 
 ty, had he haply in the course of his " universal 
 acquirements," stumbled upon this precaution of 
 the good Charondas. On the contrary, he con- 
 ceived that the true policy of a legislator was to 
 multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the 
 persons, and the morals of the people, by sur- 
 rounding them in a manner with men traps and 
 spring guns, and besetting even the sweet seques- 
 tered walks of private life with quickset hedges, 
 so that a man could scarcely turn, without the 
 risk of encountering some of these pestiferous 
 protectors. Thus was he continually coining pet- 
 ty laws for every petty offence that occurred, un- 
 til in time they became too numerous to be re- 
 membered, and remained like those of certain 
 modern legislators, mere dead letters — revived 
 occasionally for the purpose of individual oppres- 
 sion, or to entrap ignorant offenders. 
 
 Petty courts consequently began to appear, 
 where the law was administeied with nearly as 
 
A GOODLY GALLOWS ERECTED. 273 
 
 much wisdom and impartiality as in those august 
 tribunals, the aldermen's and justices' courts of 
 the present day. The plaintiff was generally fa- 
 voured, as being a customer and bringing business 
 to the shop ; the offences of the rich were dis- 
 creetly winked at — for fear of hurting the feelings 
 of their friends ; — but it could never be laid to 
 the charge of the vigilant burgomasters, that they 
 suffered vice to skulk unpunished, under the dis- 
 graceful rags of poverty. 
 
 About this time may we date the first introduc- 
 tion of capital punishments — a goodly gallows 
 being erected on the water-side, about where 
 Whitehall stairs are at present, a little to the east 
 of the Batterj^ Hard by also was erected another 
 gibbet of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatch- 
 abie description, but on which the ingenious Wil- 
 liam Kieft valued himself not a httle, being a pu- 
 nishment entirely of his own invention. 
 
 It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit infe- 
 rior to thatof Kaman, so renowned in Bible his- 
 tory ; but the marvel of the contrivance was, that 
 the culprit, instead of being suspended by the 
 neck, according to venerable' custom, was hoisted 
 by the waistband, and was kept for an hour to- 
 gether, dangling and sprawling between heaven 
 and earth — to the inlinite entertainment and 
 doubtless great edification of the multitude of re- 
 spectable citizens, w ho usually attend upon exhi- 
 bitions of the kind. 
 
 VOL. I 24 " 
 
274 A NEW PUNISHMENT. 
 
 It is incredible how the Uttle governor chuckled 
 at beholding caitiff vagrants and sturdy beggars 
 thus swinging by the crupper, and cutting antic 
 gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasant- 
 ries, and mirthful conceits to utter upon these oc- 
 casions. He called them his dandle-lions — his 
 wild fowl — his high flyers — his spread eagles — 
 his goshawks — his scare crows, and finally his gal- 
 lores-birds, which ingenious appellation, though 
 originally confined to worthies who had taken the 
 air in this strange manner, has since grown to be 
 a cant name given to all candidatesfor legal ele- 
 Vcition. This punishm^ent, moreover, if we may 
 credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists, 
 gave the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or 
 strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their 
 multifarious breeches, and which has of late years 
 been revived, and continues to be worn at the pre- 
 sent day. 
 
 Such were the admirable improvements of Wil- 
 liam Kieft in criminal law — nor was his civil code 
 less a matter of wonderment, and much does it 
 grieve me that the limits of my work will not suf- 
 fer me to expatiate on both, with the prolixity they 
 deserve. Let it suffice then to say, that in a little 
 while the blessings of innumerable laws became 
 notoriously apparent. It was soon found neces- 
 sary to have a certain class of men to expound 
 and confound them— divers pettifoggers according- 
 ly made their appearance, under whose protect- 
 
LAWYERS APPEAR. 275 
 
 ing care the comm unity was soon set together 
 by the ears. 
 
 I would not here be thought to insinuate any 
 thing derogatory to the profession of the law, or 
 to its dignified members. Well am I aware, that 
 we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy 
 gentlemen who have embraced that honourable 
 order, not for the sordid love of filthy lucre, nor 
 the selfish cravings of renown, but through no 
 other motives, but a fervent zeal for the correct 
 administration of justice, and a generous and dis- 
 interested devotion to the interests of their fellow 
 citizens ! — Sooner would I throw this trusty pen 
 into the flames, and cork up my ink bottle for ever, 
 than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the 
 dignity of this truly benevolent class of citizens — 
 on the contrary 1 allude solely to that crew of 
 caitiff scouts, who, in these latter days of evil, 
 have become so numerous — who infest the skirts 
 of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish 
 knights the honourable order of chivalry — who, 
 under its auspices, commit their depredations 
 on society — who thrive by quibbles, quirks, and 
 chicanery, and, like vermin, swarm most where 
 there is most corruption. 
 
 Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent pas- 
 sions as the facility of gratification. The courts 
 of law would never be so constantly crowded with 
 petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it not 
 for the herds of pettifogging lawyers that infest 
 
276 BLEssmcs attendant 
 
 them. These tamper with the passions of the low- 
 er and more ignorant classes; who, as if poverty 
 were not a suiliclent misery in itself, are always 
 ready to heighten it by the l;)itterness of litigation. 
 Thej^ are in law what quacks are in medicine — 
 exciting the malady for the purpose of profiting 
 by the cure, and retarding the cure for the pur- 
 pose of augmenting the fees. Where one destroys 
 the constitution, the other impoverishes the purse; 
 and it may likewise be observed, that a patient, 
 who has once been under the hands of a quack, is 
 ever after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning him- 
 self with infallible remedies ; and an ignorant man, 
 who has once meddled with the law under the aus- 
 pices of one of these empyrics, i^ for ever after 
 embroiling himself with his neighbours, and im- 
 poverishing himself with successful law suits. — 
 My readers will excuse this digression, into which 
 I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not 
 avoid giving a cool, unprejudiced account of an 
 abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, 
 and with the eifects of which I am unluckily ac- 
 quainted to my cost; having been nearly ruined 
 by a law suit, which was unjustly decided against 
 me — and my ruin having been completed by ano- 
 ther, which was decided in my favour. 
 
 It has been remarked by the observant writer of 
 the Stuyvesant manuscript, tliat under the admi- 
 nistration of Wilhelmus Kieft the disposition ofj 
 the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam experience 
 
 )f 
 
 i 
 
ON LAWS AND LAWYERS. 277 
 
 an essential change, so that they became very 
 meddlesome and factious. The constant exacer- 
 bations of temper into which the little governor 
 was thrown, by the maraudings on his frontiers, 
 and his unfortunate propensity to experiment and 
 innovation, occasioned him to keep his council in 
 a continual worry— and the council being to the 
 people at large, what yest or leaven is to a batch, 
 they threw the whole community into a ferment 
 — and the people at large being to the city what 
 the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions 
 they underwent operated most disastrously upon 
 New-Amsterdam — insomuch, that in certain of 
 their paroxysms of consternation and perplexity, 
 they begat several of the most crooked, distort- 
 ed, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys, 
 with which this metropolis is disfigured. 
 
 But the worst of the matter was, that just about 
 this time the mob, since called the sovereign peo- 
 ple, like Bala-^m's ass, began to grow more enlight- 
 ened than its rider, and exhibited a strange desire 
 of governing itself. This was another effect of the 
 " universal acquirements" of William the Tes- 
 ty. In some of his pestilent researches among 
 the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck with admi- 
 ration at the institution of public tables among the 
 Lacedaemonians, where they discussed topics of a 
 general and interesting nature — at the schools of 
 the philosophers, whei-e they engaged in profound 
 disputes upon pohtics and morals — where gray 
 24* 
 
i278 SAPIENT DISCOVERIES OP 
 
 beards were taught the rudiments of wisdom, and 
 youths learned to become little men before they 
 were boys. "There is nothing," said the ingenious 
 Kieft,shattingupthe book, "there is nothing more 
 essential to the well management of a country, 
 than education among the people ; the basis of a 
 good government should be laid in the public 
 mind." — Now this was true enough, but it was 
 ever the wayward fate of William the Testy, that 
 when he thought right, he was sure to go to work 
 wronji. In the present instance he could scarcely 
 eat or sleep until he had set on foot brawling de- 
 bating societies among the simple citizens of New- 
 Amsterdam. This was the one thing wanting to 
 complete his confusion. The honest Dutch bur- 
 ghers, though in truth but little given to argument 
 or wordy altercation, yet by dint of meeting often 
 together, fuddhng themselves with strong drink, 
 beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and 
 listening to the harangues of some half a dozen 
 oracles, soon became exceedingly wise, and — as 
 is always the case where the mob is politically 
 enlightened — exceedingly discontented. They 
 found out, with wonderful quickness of discern- 
 ment, the fearful error in which they had in- 
 dulged, in fancying themselves the happiest peo- 
 ple in creation — and were fortunately convinced, 
 that, all circumstances to the contrary notwith- 
 standing, they were a very unhappy, deluded, 
 and consequently, ruined people. 
 
QUIDNUNC DEBATING SOCIETIES. 279 
 
 In a short time the quidnuncs of New- Amster- 
 dam formed themselves into sage juntos of politi- 
 cal croakers, who daily met together to groan over 
 political affairs, and make themselves miserable ; 
 thronging to these unhappy assemblages with the 
 same eagerness that zealots have in all ages aban- 
 doned the milder and more peaceful paths of reli- 
 gion, to crowd to the howling convocations of fa- 
 naticism. We are naturally prone to discontent, 
 and avaricious after imaginary causes of lamenta- 
 tion — like lubberly monks, we belabour our own 
 shoulders, and seem to take a vast satisfaction in 
 the music of our own groans. Nor is this said for 
 the sake of paradox ; daily experience shows the 
 truth of these observations. It is almost impossi- 
 ble to elevate the spirits of a man groaning under 
 ideal calamities ; but nothing is more easy than 
 to render him wretched, though on the pinnacle 
 of felicity, as it is an Herculean task to hoist a 
 man to the top of a steeple, though the merest 
 child can topple him off thence. 
 
 In the sage assemblages I have noticed, the rea- 
 der will at once perceive the faint germs of those 
 sapientconvocationscalledpopular meetings,pre- 
 valent atourday. Thitherresorted all those idlers 
 and "squires of low degree," who, like rags, hang 
 loose upon the back of society, and are ready to 
 be blown away by every wind of doctrine. Cob- 
 blers abandoned their stalls, and hastened thither 
 to give lessons on political economy — blacksmiths 
 
280 WISDOM OF GETTING DRUNK. 
 
 left their handicraft and suffered their own fires 
 to go out, while they blew the bellows and stirred 
 up the fire of faction ; and even tailors, thoufgh 
 but the shreds and patches, the ninth parts of hu- 
 manity, neglected their own measures, to attend 
 to the measures of government. — Nothing was 
 wanting but half a dozen newspapers and patri- 
 otic editors, to have completed this public illumi- 
 nation, and to have thrown the whole province 
 in an uproar ! 
 
 I should not forget to mention, that these popu- 
 lar meetings were held at a noted tavern ; for 
 houses of that description have always been found 
 the most fostering nurseries of politics ; abound- 
 ing with those genial streams which give strength 
 and sustenence to faction. — We are told that the 
 ancient Germans had an admirable mode of treat- 
 ing any question of importance ; they first deli- 
 berated upon it when drunk, and afterwards re- 
 considered it, when sober. The shrewder mobs 
 of America, who dislike having two minds upon 
 a subject, both determine and act upon it drunk; 
 by which means a world of cold and tedious spe- 
 culations is dispensed with — and as it is univer- 
 sally allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees 
 double, it follows most conclusively that he sees 
 twice as well as his sober neighbours. 
 
LAW TO PROHIBIT SMOKING. 281 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Of the great pipe plot— and of the dolorous per- 
 plexities into which JVilliam the Testy was 
 tlirown, hy reason of his having enlightened the 
 multitude, 
 
 WiLHELMus KiEFT, as has already been made 
 manifest, was a great legislator upon a small scale. 
 He was of an active, or rather a busy mind; that is 
 to say, his was one of those small, but brisk minds, 
 which make up by bustle and constant motion for 
 the want of great scope and power. He had, when 
 quite a younghng, been impressed w^th the advice 
 of Solomon, "go to the ant thou sluggard, consider 
 her ways and be wise," in conformity to which, he 
 had ever been of a restless, ant-like turn, worrying 
 hither and thither, b usying himself abo ut Uttle mat- 
 ters, with an air of great importance and anxiety — 
 laying up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling 
 and puffing at a grain of mustard seed, under thc^ 
 full conviction that he was moving a mountain. 
 
 Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one 
 of his fits of mental bustle, which he termed deli- 
 beration, he framed an unlucky law, to prohibit 
 the universal practice of smoking. This he pro- 
 ved, by mathematical demonstration, to be, not 
 
282 CONSEQUENT TUMULT. 
 
 merely a heavy tax on the pubhc pocket, bat an 
 incredible consumer of time, a great encourager 
 of idleness, and, of course, a deadly bane to the 
 prosperity and morals of the people. Ill fated Kieft ! 
 had he lived in this enlightened and libel-loving 
 age, and attempted to subvert the inestimable li- 
 berty of the press, he could not have struck more 
 closely on the sensibihties of the milhon. 
 
 The popuiacewere in as violent a turmoil as the 
 constitutional gravity of their deportment would 
 permit — a mob of factious citizens had even the 
 hardihood to assemble before the governor'shouse, 
 where, setting themselves resolutely down, like a 
 besieging army before a fortress, they one and all 
 fell to smoking with a determined perseverance, 
 that seemed as though it were their intention to 
 smoke him into terms. The testy William issued 
 out of his mansion like a wrathful spider, and de- 
 manded to know the cause of this seditious as- 
 semblage, and this lawless fumigation ; to which 
 these sturdy rioters made no other reply, than to 
 loll back phlegmatically in their seats, and puff 
 away with redoubled fury ; whereby they raised 
 such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain 
 to take refuge in the interior of his castle. 
 
 The governor immediately perceived the object 
 of this unusual tumult, and that it would be im- 
 possible to suppress a practice, which, by long in- 
 dulgence, had become a second nature. And here 
 1 would observe, partly to explain why I have so 
 
OFFICE OF A NEDERLANDER's PlfE. 283 
 
 often made mention of this practice in myhistorj, 
 that it was inseparably connected with all the af- 
 fairs, both public and private, of our revered an- 
 cestors. The pipe, in fact, was never from the 
 mouth of the true-born Nederlander. It was his 
 companion in solitude, the relaxation of his gay- 
 er hours, his counsellor, his consoler, his joy, his 
 pride ; in a word, he seemed to think and breathe 
 through his pipe. 
 
 When William the Testy bethought himself of 
 all these matters, which he certainly did, although 
 a little too late, he came to a compromise with the 
 besieging multitude. The result was, that though 
 he contined to permit the custom of smoking, yet 
 did he abolish the fair long pipes which were used 
 in the days of Wouter Van Twiller, denoting 
 ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment; 
 and, in place thereof, did introduce httle, cap- 
 tious, short pipes, two inches in length ; which, 
 he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the 
 mouth, or twisted in the hat band, and would not 
 be in the way of business. By this the multitude 
 seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to 
 their habitations. Thus ended this alarming in- 
 surrection, which was long known by the name 
 of the pipe plot, and which, it has been somewhat 
 quaintly observed, did end, like most other plots, 
 seditions, and conspiracies, in mere smoke. 
 
 But mark. Oh reader! the deplorable conse- 
 quences that did afterwards result. The smoke 
 
284 LONG PIPES, SHORT PIPES, AND QUIDS. 
 
 of these villanous little pipes, continually ascend- 
 ing in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into, 
 and befogged the cerebellum, dried up all the 
 kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the 
 people that used them as vapourish and testy ai 
 their renowned little governor — nay, what is 
 more, from a goodly, burly race of folk, they be- 
 came, like our worthy Dutch farmers, who smoke 
 short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-dried, lea- 
 thern-hided race of men. 
 
 Nor was this all, for front hence may we date 
 the rise of parties in thisprovince. Certain of the 
 more wealthy and important burghers adhering to 
 the ancient fashion, formed a kind of aristocracy, 
 which went by the appellation of the Long Pipes, 
 wdiile the lower orders, submitting to the inno- 
 vation, which they found to be more conve- 
 nient in their handicraft employments, and to 
 leave them more liberty of action, were braiid- 
 ed with the plebian name of Short Pipes, A 
 third party likewise sprang up, differing from 
 both the other, headed by the descendants of the 
 famous Robert Chewit, the com.panion of the 
 great Hudson. These entirely discarded the use 
 of pipes, and took to chewing tobacco, and hence 
 they w^ere called Quids, It is worthy of notice, 
 that this last appellation has since come to be in- 
 variably applied to those mongrel or third par- 
 ties, that will sometimes spring up between two 
 great contending parties, as a mule is produced 
 between a horse and an ass. 
 
RISE AND PROGRESS OF PARTIES. 285 
 
 And here I would remark the great benefit of 
 these party distinctions, by which the people at 
 large are saved the vast trouble of thinking. Hc- 
 siod divides mankind into three classes, those who 
 think for themselves, those who let others think 
 for them, and those who will neither do one nor 
 the other. The second class, however, compri- 
 ses the great mass of society, and hence is the ori- 
 gin of party ^ by which is meant a large body of 
 people, some few of whom think, and all the rest 
 talk. The former, who are called the leaders, mar- 
 shal out and discipline the latter, teaching them 
 what they must approve — what they must hoot 
 at — what they must say — whom they must sup- 
 port — but, above all, whom they must hate^ — for 
 no man can be a right good partizan, unless he 
 be a determined and thorough-going hater. 
 
 But when the sovereign people are thus proper- 
 ly broken to the harness, yoked, curbed, and rein- 
 ed, it is delectable to see with what docility and 
 harmony they jog onward, through mud and mire, 
 at the will of their drivers, dragging the dirt carts 
 of faction at their heels. How many a patriotic 
 member of congress have I seen, who would never 
 have known how to make up his mind on any 
 question, and might have ru«j a great risk of vo- 
 ting right b^-mcre accident, had he not had others 
 to think for him, and a file leader to vote after. 
 
 Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the 
 Manlmttoes. being divided into parties, were ena- 
 
 VOL. I. 25 
 
286 CAVILS AGAINST THE GOVERNOR. 
 
 bled to organize dissension, and to oppose and hate 
 one another more accurately. And now the great 
 business of politics went bravely on ; the parties 
 assembhng in separate beer houses, and snnoking 
 at each other with implacable animosity, to the 
 great support of the state, and emolument of the 
 tavernkeepers. Some, indeed, who were more zea- 
 lous than the rest, went farther, and began to be- 
 spatter one another with numerous very hard 
 names and scandalous little words, to be found in 
 the Dutch language; every partizan believing re- 
 ligiously that he was serving his country, when he 
 traduced the character, or impoverished the pock- 
 et of a political adversary. But, however they 
 might differ between themselves, all parties 
 agreed on one point, to cavil at and condemn 
 every measure of government whether right or 
 wrong; for as the governor was by his station in- 
 dependent of their power, and was not elected by 
 their choice, and as he had not decided in favour 
 of either faction, neither of them was interested 
 in his success, nor in the prosperity of the coun- 
 try, while under his administration. 
 
 '• Unhappy William Kieft!'' exclaims the sage 
 writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript — "doomed to 
 contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped, 
 and to reign over a people too v/ise to be govern- 
 ed. !" Ali his expeditions against his enemies were 
 baffled and set at naught, and all his measures for 
 the public safety were cavilled at by the people. 
 
HIS CONDUCT. 287 
 
 Did he propose levying an efficient body of troops 
 for internal defence — V\e mob, that is to say,1,hose 
 vagabond members of the community who have 
 nothing to lose, immediately took the alarm, voci- 
 ferated that their interests were in danger — that a 
 standing army was a legion of moths, preying on 
 the pockets of society; a rod of iron in the hands 
 of government; and that a government with a mi- 
 litary force at its command would inevitably swell 
 into a despotism. Did he, as was but too com- 
 monly the case, defer preparation until the mo^ 
 ment of emergency, and then hastily collect a 
 handful of undisciplined vagrants — the measure 
 was hooted at as feeble and inadequate, as tri- 
 fling with the public dignity and safety, and as 
 lavishing the public funds on impotent enter- 
 prises. — Did he resort to the economic measure 
 of proclamation — he was laughed at by the Yan- 
 kees; did he back it by nonintercourse — it was 
 evaded and counteracted by his own subjects. 
 Which ever way he turned himself he was be- 
 leaguered and distracted by petitions of " nume- 
 rous and respectable meetings," consisting of some 
 half a dozen brawling pot-house poHticians — all 
 of which he read, and, what is worse, all of which 
 he attended to. The consequence was, that by 
 incessantly changing his measures, he gave none 
 of them a fair trial ; and by listening to the cla- 
 mours of the mob, and endeavouring to do every 
 thing, he, in sober truth, did nothing. 
 
288 HIS WARM TEMPERAMENT. 
 
 1 would not have it supposed, however, that he 
 tooli^U these memorials r^^ul interferences good 
 nataredly, for such an idea would do injustice to 
 his valiant spirit; on the contrary, he never re- 
 ceived a piece of advice in the whole course of 
 his life, without tirst getting into a passion with 
 the giver. But 1 have ever observed that your 
 passionate little men, like small boats wdth 4arge 
 sails, are the easiest upset or blown out of their 
 course ; and this is demonstrated by Governor 
 ^ieft, who, though in temperament as hot as an old 
 radish, and wilh amind,the territory of which was 
 subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, 
 yet never failed to be carried away by the last 
 piece of advice that w^as blown into his ear. 
 Lucky was it for him that his power was not de- 
 pendent upon the greasy multitude, and that as 
 yet the populace did not possess the important 
 privilege of nominating their chief magistrate. 
 They, however, did their best to help along pub- 
 lic affairs : pestering their governor incessantly, 
 by goading him on with harangues and petitions, 
 and then thwarting his fiery spirit with reproaches 
 and memorials, like Sunday jockies managing ai 
 unlucky devil of a hack horse — so that Wilhel- 
 mus Kieft may be said to have been kept either 
 on a worry or a hand gallop throughout the 
 whole of his administration. 
 
IRRUPTIONS OF THE YANKEES, 289 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Containing divers fearful accounts of Border wars, 
 and the flagrant outrages of the Moss troopers 
 of Connecticut — zvith the rise of the great Am- 
 phyctionic council of the east, and the decline of 
 William the Testy, 
 
 It was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, 
 who were intimately acquainted with these mat- 
 ters, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two 
 huge tuns, the one filled with blessings, the other 
 with misfortunes — and it verily seems as if the lat- 
 ter had been completely overturned, and left to 
 deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw-Neder- 
 landts. Among the many internal and external 
 causes of irritation, the incessant irruptions of the 
 Yankees upon his frontiers were continually add- 
 ing fuel to the inflammable temper of Wilham the 
 Testy. Numerous accounts of these molestations 
 may still be found among the records of the times ; 
 for the commanders on the frontiers were espe- 
 cially careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, 
 by striving who should send home the most fre- 
 quent and voluminous budgets of complaints, as 
 your faithful servant is eternally running v/ith 
 complaints to the parlour, of the petty squabbles 
 and misdemeanours of the kitchen. 
 25* 
 
290 THEIR OUTRAGES. 
 
 Far be it from me to insinuate, however, tliat 
 our worthy ancestors indalged in groundless 
 alarms ; on the contrary, they were daily suffering 
 a repetition of cruel wrongs,* not one of which but 
 was a sufficient reason, according to the maxims 
 of national dignity and honour, for throwing the 
 whole universe into hostility and confusion. 
 
 Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every 
 one of these outrages throw the philosophic Wil- 
 liam I letter after letter, protest after protest, pro- 
 
 - * From among a multitude of bitter grievances still on 
 record, 1 select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my 
 readers to judge if our ancestors were not justifiable in 
 getting into a very valiant passion on the occasion. 
 
 24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford have taken a hog^ 
 out of the vlact or common, and shut it up out of meer 
 hate or other prejudice, causing it to starve for hunger in 
 the stye ! 
 
 26 July. The foremencioned Eriglish did again drive 
 the Companie's hog'gs out of the vlact of Sicojoke into 
 Hartford ; contending daily with reproaches, blows, beat- 
 ing the people with all disgrace that they could imagine. 
 
 May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently 
 cut loose a horse of the honoured Companies', that stood 
 bound upon the common or vlact. 
 
 May 9, 1643. The Companies' horses pastured upon 
 the Companies' ground, were driven away by them of 
 Connecticott or Hartford, and the herdsmen lustily beat- 
 en with hatchets and sticks. 
 
 16. Again tliey sold a young hogg belonging to the 
 Companie which piggs had pastured on the Companies' 
 iawd.— i/az. CoL State Pap. 
 
PERILS OF AN AUTHOR. 291 
 
 clamation after proclamation, bad Latin, worse 
 English, and hideous Low Dutch, were exhausted 
 in vain upon the inexorable Yankees, and the 
 four-and-twenty letters of the alphabet, which, 
 excepting his champion the sturdy trumpeter Van 
 Corlear, composed the only standing army he had 
 at his command, were never off duty throughout 
 the whole of his administration. Nor was Anto- 
 ny, the trumpeter, a whit behind his patro;i in 
 fiery zeal ; but like a faithful champion of the 
 public safety, on the arrival of every fresh article 
 of news, he was sure to sound his trumpet from 
 the ramparts, with most disastrous notes, throw- 
 ing the people into violent alarms, and disturbing 
 their rest at all times and seasons — which caused 
 him to be held in very great regard, the public 
 pampering and rewarding him, as we do brawling 
 editors, for similar services. 
 
 I am well aware of the perils that environ me in 
 this part of my history. While raking with cu- 
 rious hands but pious heart, amongthe mouldering 
 remains of former days, anxious to draw therefrom 
 the honey of wisdom, I may fare somewhat like 
 that valiant, worthy, Samson, who in meddling 
 with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of 
 bees about his ears. Thus while narrating the 
 many misdeeds of the Yanokie, or Yankee tribe, 
 it is ten chances to one but I oifend the morbid 
 sensibilities of certain of their unreasonable de- 
 scendants, who may fly out and raise such a buz- 
 
292 HIS RESOLUTE DETERMIXATIOX. 
 
 zing about this unlucky head of mine, that I shall 
 need the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando 
 Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 
 
 Should suchbe the case, I should deeply and sin- 
 cerely lament — not my misfortune in giving of- 
 fence — but the wrong-headed perverseness of an 
 ill-natured generation, in taking offence at any 
 thing I say. That their ancestors did use my an- 
 cestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I 
 would, with all my heart, the fact were otherwise ; 
 but as I am recording the sacred events of history, 
 I'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest truth, 
 though I were sure the Avhole edition of my work 
 should be bought up and burnt by the common 
 hangman of Connecticut. And in sooth, now that 
 these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will 
 make bold to go farther and observe, that this is 
 one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
 historians are sent into the world — to redress 
 wrongs and renderjustice on the heads of the guilty. 
 So that, though a powerful nation may wrong its 
 neighbours with temporary impunity, yet sooner 
 or later an historian springs up, who wreaks am- 
 ple chastisement on it in return. 
 
 Thus these moss troopers of the east, little 
 thought, I'll warrant it, while they were harassing 
 the inoffensive province of Nieuw-Nederlandts, 
 and driving its unhappy governor to his wit's end, 
 that an historian should ever arise and give them 
 their own with interest. Since then I am but per- 
 
FORMIDABLE CONFEDERATION. 293 
 
 forming my bounden duty as an historian, in aven- 
 ging the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall 
 make no further apology ; and indeed, when it is 
 considered that I have all these ancient borderers 
 of the east in my power, and at the mercy of my 
 pen, I trust that it will be admitted I conduct 
 myself with great humanity and moderation. 
 
 To resume then the course of my history — Ap- 
 pearances to the eastward began now to assume 
 a more formidable aspect than ever — for I would 
 have you note that hitherto the province had been 
 chiefly molested by its immediate neighbours, the 
 people of Connecticut, particularly of Hartford; 
 which, if we may judge from ancient chronicles, 
 was the strong hold of these sturdy moss troopers, 
 from whence they sallied forth, on their daring 
 incursions, carrying terror and devastation into 
 the barns, the hen-roosts, and pig-styes of our re- 
 vered ancestors. 
 
 Albeit about the year 1643, the people of the 
 east country, inhabiting the colonies of Massachu- 
 setts, Connecticut, New-Plymouth, and New-Ha- 
 ven, gathered togetlier into a mighty conclave, 
 and after buzzing and debating for many days, 
 like a political hive of bees in swarming time, at 
 length settled themselves into a formidable con- 
 federation, under the title of the United Cplonies 
 of New-England. By this union they pledged 
 themselves to stand by one another in all perils 
 and assaults, and to co-operate in all measures,. 
 
294 ALARM OF GOVERNOR KIEFT. 
 
 oiFensive and defensive, against the surrounding 
 savages, among which were doubtlessly included 
 our honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes ; and 
 to give more strength and system to this confede- 
 ration, a general assembly or grand council was 
 to be annually held, composed of representatives 
 from each of the provinces. 
 
 On receiving accounts of this combination, 
 Wilhelmus Kieft was struck with consternation, 
 and, for the first time in his whole life, forgot to 
 bounce, at hearing an unwelcome piece of intelli- 
 gence — which a venerable historian of the times 
 observes, was especially noticed among the poli- 
 ticians of New- Amsterdam. The truth was, on 
 turning over in his mind all that he had read at 
 the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he 
 found that this was an exact imitation of the Am- 
 phyctionic council, by which the states of Greece 
 were enabled to attain to such power and supre- 
 macy, and the very idea made his heart to quake 
 for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. 
 
 He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of 
 this confederation was to drive the Nederlanders 
 out of their fair domains; and always flew into a 
 great rage if any one presumed to doubt the pro- 
 bability of his conjecture. Nor was he wholly 
 unwarranted in such a suspicion ; for at the 
 very first annual meeting of the grand council, 
 held at Boston (which governor Kieft denomina- 
 ted the Delphos of this truly classic league,) strong 
 
HIS LAST LETTER. 295 
 
 representations were made against the Neder- 
 landcrs, forasmuch as that in their deahngs with 
 the Indians, they carried on a traffick in " guns, 
 powther, and shott — a trade damnable and inju- 
 rious to the colonists."* Not but what certain 
 of the Connecticut traders did hkewise dabble a 
 httleinthis " dam able traffick" — but then they 
 always sold the Indians such scurvy guns, that 
 they burst at the first discharge — and consequent- 
 ly hurt no one but these pagan savages. 
 
 The rise of this potent confederacy was a death 
 blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from 
 that day forward, it was remarked by many, he 
 never held up his head, but appeared quite crest 
 fallen. His subsequent reign, therefore, affords 
 but scanty food for the historic pen — we find the 
 grand council continually augmenting in power, 
 and threatening to overwhelm the province of 
 Nieuw-Nederlatidts; while Wilhelmus Kieft kept 
 constantly fulminatingproclamations andprotests, 
 like a shrewd sea captain firing ofFcarronadesand 
 swivels, in order to break and disperse a water 
 spout — but alas ! they had no more effect than if 
 they had been so many blank cartridges. 
 
 The last document on record of this learned, 
 philosophic, but unfortunate little man, is a long 
 letter to the council of the Amphyctions, wherein, 
 m the bitterness of his heart, he rails at the peo- 
 
 * Haz. Col. S. Papers. 
 
296 MYSTERIOUS EXIT OP 
 
 pie of New-Haven, or Red Hills, for their uncour- 
 teous contemptof his protest, levelled at them for 
 squatting within the province of their High Mighti- 
 nesses. From this letter, which is a model of epis- 
 tolary writing, abounding with pithy apophthegms 
 and classic figures, my limits will barely allow me 
 to extract the following recondite passage :* — 
 " Certainly when we heare the Inhabitants of New- 
 Hartford complayninge of us, we seem to heare 
 Esop's wo!fe complayninge of the lamb, or the 
 admonition of the you nge man, who cryed out to his 
 mother,chidcingwithherneighboures, 'Oh Mother 
 revile her, lestshefirsttake up that practice against 
 you.' But being taught by precedent passages, 
 we received such an answer to our protest from 
 the inhabitants of New-Haven as we expected ; 
 the Eagle always despiseth the Beetle Fly ^ yet not- 
 withstanding we doe undauntedly continue on our 
 p rpose of pursuing our own right, by just arms 
 and righteous means, and doe hope without scru- 
 ple to execute the express commands of our su- 
 periors." To show that this last sentence was 
 not a mere empty menace, he conclued his let- 
 ter, by intrepidly protesting against the whole 
 council, as a horde of squatters and interlopers, 
 inasmuch as they held their meeting at New-Ha- 
 ven, or the Red Hills, which he claimed as being 
 within the province of the New-Netherlands. 
 
 * Vide Haz. Col. Slate Papers. 
 
WILLIAM THE TESTV. 297 
 
 Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the 
 reign of WiUiam the Testy — for henceforth, in 
 the troubles, the perplexities and the confusion of 
 the times, he seems to have been totally overlook- 
 ed and to have slipped for ever through the finger^ 
 of scrupulous history. Indeed, for some cause or 
 other which I cannot divine, there appears to have 
 been a combination among historians to sink his 
 very name into oblivion, in consequence of which 
 they have one and all forborne even to speak of 
 his exploits. This shows how important it is for 
 great men to cultivate the favour of the learned, 
 if they are ambitious of honour and renown. 
 " Insult not the dervise," said a wise caliph to 
 his son, " lest thou offend thine historian," and 
 many a mighty man of the olden time, had he 
 observed so obvious a maxim, might have escaped 
 divers cruel wipes of the pen, which have been 
 drawn across his character. 
 
 It has been a matter of deep concern to me, 
 that such darkness and obscurity should hang over 
 the latter days of the illustrious Kieft — for he was 
 a mighty and great little ^an, worthy of being 
 utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first po- 
 tentate that introduced into this land the art of 
 figliting byproclamation, and defending a country 
 by trumpeters and windmills— an economic and 
 humane mode of warfare, since revived with great 
 applause, and which promises, if it can ever be 
 carried into full effect, to save great trouble and 
 
298 TALES RESPECTIXG 
 
 treasure, and spare infinitely more bloodshed than 
 either the discovery of gunpowder, or the inven- 
 tion of torpedoes. 
 
 It is true, that certain of the early provincial 
 *|poets, of whom there were great numbers in the 
 Nieuw-Nederlandts taking, advantage of the mys- 
 terious exit of William the Testy, have fabled, 
 that like Romulus, he was translated to the skies, 
 and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on 
 the left claw of the crab; while others equally fan- 
 ciful, declare that he had experienced a fate simi- 
 lar to that of the good king Arthur ; who, we are 
 assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the 
 delicious abodes of fairy land, where he still ex- 
 ists, in pristine worth and vigour, and will one day 
 or another return to restore the gallantry, the ho- 
 nour, and the immaculate probity, which prevail- 
 ed in the glorious days of the Round Table.* 
 
 All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, 
 the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the 
 poets, to which 1 would not have my judicious rea- 
 der attach any credibihty. Neither am I disposed 
 
 * The old Welsh bards believed that king Arthur was 
 not dead, but carried awaie by the faries into some plea- 
 sent place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then 
 returne ag-aine and reigne in as great authority as ever. 
 
 HOLLINGSHED. 
 
 The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and con- 
 quere all Britaigne, for certes, this is the prophicye of 
 Merlyn— He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous ; and 
 said sotli, for men thereof yet have doubte and shuUen for 
 ever more—tor men wyt not whether that he Ivveth or is 
 
HIS DEATH. " 299 
 
 to yield any credit to the assertion of an ancient 
 and rather apocryphal historian, who alleges that 
 the ingenious Wilhelmus was annihilated by the 
 blov/ing down of one of his windmills — nor to^ 
 that of a writer of later times, who affirms that 
 he fell a victim to a philosophical experiment, 
 which he had for many years been vainly striving 
 to accompHsh ; having the misfortune to break his 
 neck from the garret window of the stadt house, 
 in an ineffectual attempt to catch swallows, by 
 sprinkhng fresh salt upon their tails. 
 
 The most probable account, and to which I am 
 inclined to give my implicit faith, is contained in 
 a very obscure tradition, whichdeclares, that w^hat 
 with the constant troubles on his frontiers — the in- 
 cessant schemings and projects going on in his 
 own pericranium — the memorials, petitions, re- 
 monstrances, and sage pieces of advice from di- 
 vers respectable meetings of the sovereign people 
 — together with the refractory disposition of his 
 council, who were sure to differ from him on 
 every point, and uniformly to be in the wrong — 
 all these, I say, did eternally operate to keep his 
 mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at length 
 became as completely burnt out as a Dutch fami- 
 ly pipe which has passed through three genera- 
 tions of hard smokers. In this manner did the 
 choleric but magnanimous Wilham the Testy 
 
300 FINALLY SNUFFED OUT. 
 
 undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming 
 away like a farthing rush light — so that when 
 grim death finally snuffed him out, there was 
 scarce left enough of him to bury ! 
 
 END OP VOL. I. 
 
HISTORY 
 
 N E W-Y O E K 
 
^ \i 
 
 A 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 OF 
 
 NEW YORK, 
 
 FROM THE 
 
 BEGINNING OF THE WORLD 
 
 TO THE 
 
 END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. ^ 
 
 CONTAINING, 
 
 AMONG MANY SURPRISING AND CURIOUS MATTERS, 
 
 THE UNUTTERABLE PONDERINGS OF WALTER THE DOUBTER, 
 
 THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, 
 
 AND THE CHIVALRIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF PETER 
 
 THE HEADSTRONG. 
 THE THREE DUTCH GOVERNORS OF NEW AMSTERDAM : 
 
 Beiyig Ihe only Authentic History of the Times that ever hath hem 
 •published. 
 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 FOURTH AMERICAJV EDITION. 
 
 BY DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER, 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
 De twarljeiD me in imistec tag, 
 Oie komt met felaaiiijeiii aan uen tjaij* 
 
 ^EW-YORK: 
 
 Printed by C. S. Van Winkle, 
 No. 2 Thames-street* 
 
Southern District of Kew-'^orJcy ss. 
 
 BE IT REMEMBERED, that on the twenty-first day of Novem- 
 ber, in the torty-eighth year of the Independence of the United States 
 of America, C S. Van Winkle, of the said District, hath deposited in 
 this otfice the title of a b 'ok, the right whereof he claims as Pro- 
 prietor, in the words following, to wit : 
 
 " A History of New-York, from the beginning of the world to tlie 
 end of the Dutch Dynasty. Containing, among many surprising and 
 curious matters, the Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, 
 the Disastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivalric 
 Achievements of Peter the Headstrong. The three Dutch Governors 
 of New- Amsterdam Being the only Authentic History of the Times 
 that ever hath been published. In Two Volumes. Fourth American 
 £dition. By Diedrich Knickerbocker. 
 
 De waarheid die in duister lag, 
 
 Die komt met klaarheid aan den dag" 
 
 In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, en- 
 titled, " An Act for the encouragement of Learning by securing the 
 copies of Maps Charts and Books, to the Authors and Proprietors of 
 such copies during the times therein mentioned." And also to an 
 Act entitled '< An Act supplementary to an act entitled An Act 
 for the encouragement of Learning by securing the copies of Maps, 
 Charts and Books to the Authors and Proprietors of such copies 
 during the times therein mentioned, and extending the benefits there- 
 of to the arts of designing, engraving and etching historical and 
 other prints." 
 
 JAMES DILL, 
 
 Clerk of the Southern District of New- York. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 VOL. 11. 
 
 BOOK V. 
 
 CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETEK 
 STUTVESANT AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYC- 
 TIONIC COUNCIL. 
 
 Chap. I. — In which the death of a great man is shown 
 to be no very inconsolable matter of sorrow — and how 
 Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from the un- 
 common strength of his head Page 9 
 
 Chap. II. — Showing' how Peter the Headstrong bestirred 
 himself among the rats and the cobwebs on entering 
 into office ; and the perilous mistake he was guilty of, 
 in his dealings with the Amphyctions . . . . 19 
 
 Chap. III. — Containing divers speculations on war and 
 negotiations — showing that a treaty of peace is a great 
 national evil 27 
 
 Chap. IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by 
 his adversaries the Moss-troopers — and his conduct 
 thereupon 35 
 
 Chap. V — How the New- Amsterdammers became great 
 in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty 
 army — together with Peter Stuyvesant's measures to 
 fortify the city — and how he was the original founder 
 of the battery 48 
 
10 LOSS OF GREAT MEN LITTLE PELT. 
 
 excite the empty plaudits of the miUion, it is cer- 
 tain that the greatest among us do actually fill 
 but an exceeding small space in the world ; and 
 it is equally certain, that even that small space 
 is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. 
 " Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, " that 
 individuals appear, or make their exit? the world 
 is a theatre whose scenes and actors are continu- 
 ally changing." Never did philosopher speak 
 more correctly, and I only wonder that so wise 
 a remark could have existed so many ages, and 
 mankind not Imve laid it more to heart. Sage 
 follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero 
 just steps out of his triumphal car to make way 
 for the hero who comes after him; and of the 
 proudest monarch it is merely said, that — " he 
 slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned 
 in his stead." 
 
 The world, to tell the private truth, cares hut 
 little for their loss, an4 if left to itself would soon 
 forget to grieve ; and though a nation has often 
 been figuratively drowned in tears on the death 
 of a great man, yet it is ten chances to one if 
 an individual tear has been shed on the occa- 
 sion, excepting from the forlorn pen of some 
 hungry author. It is the historian, the biogra- 
 pher, and the poet, who have the whole burden 
 of grief to sustain ; who — kind souls ! — like un- 
 dertakers in England, act the part of chief 
 
kieft's £xit occasioned no prodigies. II 
 
 mourners — who inflate a nation with sighs it 
 never heaved, and deluge it with tears it never 
 dreamt of shedding. Thus, while the patriotic 
 author is weeping and howling, in prose, in blank 
 verse, and in rhyme, and collecting the drops 
 of public sorrow into his volume, as into a la- 
 chrymal vase, it is more than probable his fel- 
 low citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling 
 and dancing, as utterly^ ignorant of the bitter 
 lamentations made in their name, as are those 
 men of straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of 
 the plaintiffs for whom they are generously pleas- 
 ed on divers occasions to become sureties. 
 
 The most glorious and praise-worthy hero 
 that ever desolated nations, might have mould- 
 ered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own 
 monument, did not some historian take him into 
 favour, and benevolently transmit his name to 
 posterity — and much as the valiant William 
 Kieft worried, and bustled, and turmoiled, while 
 he had the destinies of a whole colony in his 
 hand, I question seriously, whether he will not 
 be obliged to this authentic history for all his 
 future celebrity. 
 
 His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city 
 of New- Amsterdam, or its vicinity : the earth 
 trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from 
 their spheres — the heavens were not shrouded 
 in black, as poets would fain persuade us they 
 
12 PETER STUYVESANT SUCCEEDS HIM* 
 
 have been on the unfortunate death of a hero — 
 the rocks (hard hearted varlets !) melted not 
 into tears, nor did the trees hang their heads in 
 silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he laid abed 
 the next night, just as long, and showed as jolly 
 a face when he arose, as he ever did on the same 
 day of the month in any year, either before or 
 since* The good people of New-Amsterdam, 
 one and all, declared that he had been a very 
 busy, active, bustling little governor; that he was 
 " the father of his country" — that he was " the 
 noblest work of God" — that " he was a man, 
 take him for all in all, they ne'er should look 
 upon his like again" — together with sundry other 
 civil and affectionate speeches that are regu- 
 larly said on the death of all great men ; after 
 which they smoked their pipes, thought no more 
 about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to 
 his station. 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the 
 renowned Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the 
 best of our ancient Dutch governors. Wouter 
 having surpassed all who preceded him, and 
 Peter or Fict, as he was sociably called by the 
 old Dutch buighers, who were ever prone to 
 familiarize names, having never been equalled 
 by any successor. He was in fact the very man 
 fitted by nature to retrieve the desperate for- 
 1 lines of her beloved province, had not the fates, 
 
filS PERSOIT. 13 
 
 those most potent, and unrelenting of all an- 
 cient spinsters, destined them to inextricable 
 confusion. 
 
 To say merely that he was a hero would be 
 doing him great injustice — he was in truth a 
 combination of heroes — for he was of a sturdy, 
 rawbone make like Ajax Telamon, with a pair 
 of round shoulders that Hercules would have 
 given his hide for, (meaning his lion's hide) when 
 he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He 
 was, moreover,' as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, 
 not only terrible for the force of his arm, but 
 likewise of his voice, which sounded as though 
 it came out of a barrel ; and' Hke the self-same 
 warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for 
 the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which 
 was enough of itself to make the very bowels of 
 his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. 
 All this martial excellency of appearance was 
 inexpressibly heightened by an accidental ad- 
 vantage, with which I am surprised that neither 
 Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their he- 
 roes.v This was nothing less than a wooden leg, 
 which was the only prize he had gained, in 
 bravely fighting the battles of his country, but of 
 which he was so proud, that he was often heard 
 to declare he valued it more than all his other 
 limbs put together ; indeed so highly did he es- 
 teem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and 
 
^4 HIS SILVER LEh. 
 
 relieved with silver devices, which caused it t# 
 be related in divers histories and legends that he 
 wore a silver leg.* 
 
 Like that choleric warrior, Achilles, he was 
 somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion, 
 which were oft-times rather unpleasant to his fa- 
 vourites and attendants, whose perceptions he 
 was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illus- 
 trious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing 
 their shoulders with his walking staff. 
 
 Though I cannot find that he had read Plata, 
 or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon 
 Sydney, or Tom Paine, yet did he sometimes 
 manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his mea- 
 sures, that one would hardly expect from a man, 
 who did not know Greek, and had never studied 
 the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with 
 sorrow, that he had an unreasonable aversion to 
 experiments, and was fond of governing his pro- 
 vince after the simplest manner — but then he 
 contrived to keep it in better order than did the 
 erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers 
 ancient and modern to assist and perplex liim. 
 I must likewise OAvn that he made but very few 
 laws, but then again he took care that those few 
 were rigidly and impartially enforced — and I do 
 Qot know but justice on the whole was as well 
 
 ■^ See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Bioaie. 
 
HIS CHARACTER. 1,5 
 
 administered as if there had been volumes of 
 sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily 
 neglected and forgotten. 
 
 He was, in fact, the very reverse of his pre- 
 decessors, being neither tranquil and inert, like 
 Walter the Doubter, Dor restless and fidgetting, 
 like William the Testy ; but a man, or rather a 
 governor, of such uncommon activity and deci- 
 sion of mind that he never sought or accepted 
 the advice of others ; depending confidently up- 
 on his single head, as did the heroes of yore upon 
 their single arms, to work his way through all 
 difficulties and dangers. To tell the simple truth, 
 he wanted no other requisite for a perfect states- 
 man, than to think always right, for no one can 
 deny that he always acted as he thought ; and if 
 he wanted in correctness, he made up for it in 
 perseverance — An excellent quality ! since it is 
 surely more dignified for a ruler to be persever- 
 ing and consistent in error, than wavering and 
 contradictory, in endeavouring to do what is 
 right. This much is certain, and it is a maxim 
 worthy the attention of all legislators, both great 
 and small, who stand shaking in the wind, with- 
 out knowing which way to steer — a ruler who 
 acts according to his own will is sure of pleas- 
 ing himself, while he who seeks to satisfy the 
 wishes and whims of others, runs a great risk of 
 pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, 
 
16 SURNAMED " THE HEADSTRONG.'' 
 
 and points steadfastly in one direction, is certain 
 of being right twice in the four-and-twenty hours 
 — while others may keep going continually, and 
 continually be going wrong. 
 
 Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the 
 discernme'nt of the good people of Nieuw-Neder- 
 landts ; on the contrary, so high an opinion had 
 they of the independent mind and vigorous in- 
 tellects of their new governor, that they uni- 
 versally called him Hard-koppig Piet, or Peter 
 the Headstrong — a great compliment to his un- 
 derstanding ! 
 
 If from all that I have said thou dost not ga- 
 ther, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was 
 a tough, sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettle- 
 some, obstinate, leathern-sided, lion-hearted, ge- 
 nerous spirited old governor, either I have writ- 
 ten to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at 
 drawing conclusions. • 
 
 This most excellent governor, whose charac- 
 ter I have thus attempted feebly to delineate, 
 commenced his administration on the 291h of 
 May, 1647; a remarkably stormy day, distin- 
 guished in all the almanacks of the time which 
 have come down to us, by the name of Windy 
 Friday, As he was very jealous of his personal 
 and official dignity, he was inaugurated into office 
 with great ceremony ; the goodly oaken chair of 
 the renowned Wouter V?n Twiller being care- 
 
DISASTROUS OMENS, 17 
 
 fully preserved for such occasions, in like manner 
 as the chair and stone were reverentially preser- 
 ved at Schone, in Scotland, for the coronation of 
 the Caledonian monarchs. 
 
 I must not omit to mention, that the tempes- 
 tuous state of the elements, together vs^ith its 
 being that unlucky day of the week, termed 
 "hanging day," did not fail to excite much grave 
 speculation and divers very reasonable apprehen- 
 sions among the more ancient and enlightened 
 inhabitants ; and several of the sager sex, who 
 were reputed to be not a little skilled in the 
 mysteries of astrology and fortune telling, did 
 declare outright, that they were omens of a dis- 
 astrous administration — an event that came to 
 be lamentably verified, and which proves, be- 
 yond dispute, the wisdom of attending to those 
 preternatural intimations, furnished by dreams 
 and visions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, 
 and cackling of geese, on which the sages and 
 rulers of ancient times placed such reliance — or 
 to those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, 
 bowlings of dogs, and flarii^gs of candles, care- 
 fully noted and interpreted by the oracular 
 sybils of our day ; who, in my humble opinion, 
 are the legitimate inheritors and preservers of 
 the ancient science of divination. This much is 
 certain, that governor Stuyvesant succeeded to 
 the chair of state at a turbulent period 5 when 
 
18 PERILS OF THE STATE. 
 
 foes thronged and threatened from without : whea 
 anarchy and stiff necked opposition reigned ram- 
 pant within ; when the authority of their High 
 Mightinesses the Lords States General, though 
 founded on the broad Dutch bottom of unoffend- 
 ing imbecihty ; though supported by economy, 
 and defended by speeches, protests, proclama- 
 tions, yet tottered to its very centre ; and when 
 the great city of New- Amsterdam, though forti- 
 fied by flag-staffs, trumpeters, and windmills, 
 seemed like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lie 
 open to attack, and ready to yield to the first in- 
 rader. 
 
k 
 
 Peter's first movements. 1^ 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 • 
 Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred 
 himself among the rats and cobwebs on enter- 
 ing into office. And the perilous mistake he 
 was guilty of, in his dealings with the Am- 
 phyctions* 
 
 The very first movements of the great Peter, 
 on taking the reins of government, displayed 
 the magnanimity of his mind, though they oc- 
 casioned not a httle marvel and imeasiness 
 among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding 
 himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, 
 and annoyed by the advice of his privy council, 
 the members of which had acquired the unrea- 
 sonable habit of thinking and speaking for them- 
 selves during the preceding reign ; he deter- 
 mined at once to put a stop to such grievous 
 abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he en- 
 tered upon his authority, than he turned out of 
 office all those meddlesome spirits that compo- 
 sed the factious cabinet of WiUiam the* Testy, 
 in place of whom he chose unto himself counsel- 
 lors from those fat, somniferous, respectable 
 families, that had flourished and slumbered un- 
 der the easy reign of Walter the Doubter. All 
 
20 THE WINDMILL SYSTEM OVERTURNED. 
 
 these he caused to be furnished with abundance 
 of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with fre- 
 quent corporation dinners, admonishing them to 
 smoke, and'eat, and sleep, for the good of the na- 
 tion, while he took all the burden of government 
 upon his own shoulders — an arrangement to 
 which they all gave hearty acquiescence. 
 
 Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous 
 rout among the inventions and expedients of 
 his learned predecessor — demolishing his flag- ^ 
 staffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, 
 guarded the ramparts of New-Amsterdam — 
 pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker 
 guns — rooting up his patent gallows, where cai* 
 tiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband 
 — and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole 
 philosophic, economic, and windmill system of 
 the immortal sage of Saardam. 
 
 The honest folk of New- Amsterdam began to 
 quake now for the fate of their matchless cham- 
 pion, Antony the trumpeter, who had acquired 
 prodigious favour in the eyes of the women, by 
 means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did 
 Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into 
 his presence, and eyeing him for a moment 
 from head to foot, with a countenance that 
 would have appalled any thing else than a sound- 
 er of brass — "Pry thee, who and what art thou?" 
 said he. — " Sire," replied the other, in no wise 
 
HIS CONDUCT TO VAN CORLEAR. 21 
 
 dismayed, — " for my name, it is Antony Van 
 Corlear — for my parentage, I am the son of my 
 mother — for my profession, 1 am champion and 
 garrison of this great city of New-Amster- 
 dam." — " I doubt me much," said Peter Stu}^- 
 vesant, " that thou art some scurvy costardmon- 
 ger knave — how didst thou acquire this paramount 
 honour and dignity ?" — " Marry sir," rephed the 
 other, " hke many a great man before me, simply 
 by sounding my ozvn trumpet,''^ — " Ay, is it so ?" 
 quoth the governor, " why then let us have a 
 relish of thy art." Whereupon he put his instru- 
 ment to his lips, and sounded a charge with such 
 a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, 
 and such a triumphant cadence, that it was enough 
 to make your heart leap out of your mouth only 
 to be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn 
 charger, while sporting in peaceful plains, if by 
 chance he hear the strains of martial music, 
 pricks up his ears, and snorts and paws and 
 kindles at the noise, so did the heroic soul of 
 the mighty Peter joy to hear the clangour of the 
 trumpet ; for of him might truly be said what 
 was recorded of the renowned St. George of 
 England, " there was nothing in all the world 
 that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the 
 pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers 
 brandish forth their steeled weapons." Casting 
 his eyes more kindly, therefore, upon the sturdy 
 
 VOL. II. 3 
 
22 VAN CORLEAR MADE HIS SQUIRE. 
 
 Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jolly, fat 
 little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great 
 discretion and immeasurable wind, he straight- 
 way conceived a vast kindness for him, and dis- 
 charging him from the troublesome duty of gar- 
 risoning, defending, and alarming the city, ever 
 after retained him about his person, as his chief 
 favourite, confidential envoy, and trusty squire. 
 Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous 
 notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight 
 the governor while at his repasts, as did the min- 
 strels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry — 
 and on all public occasions to rejoice the ears of 
 the people with warlike melody — thereby keep- 
 ing alive a noble and martial spirit. 
 
 Many other alterations and reformations, both 
 for the better and for the w.orse, did the governor 
 make, of which my time will not serve me to 
 record the particulars ; sufiice it to say, he soon 
 contrived to make the province feel that he was 
 its master, and treated the sovereign people with 
 such tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to 
 hold their tongues, stay at home, and attend to 
 their business ; insomuch that party feuds and 
 distinctions were almost forgotten, and many 
 thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were 
 utterly ruined for want of business. 
 
 Indeed, the critical state of public affairs at 
 this time demanded the utmost vigilance and 
 
DEPUTATION FROM PROVIDENCE. 23 
 
 promptitade. The formidable council of the 
 Amphvclions, which ha.l caused so much tribu- 
 lation to the unfortunate Kieft, still continued 
 augmenting its forces, and threatened to link 
 within its union all the mighty principalities 
 and powers of the east. In the very year follow- 
 ing the inauguration of Governor Stuyvcsant a 
 grand deputation departed from the City of Pro- 
 vidence (famous for its dusty streets and beau- 
 teous women,) in behalf of the puissant planta- 
 tion of Rhode Island, praying to be admitted into 
 the league. 
 
 The following mention is made of this appli- 
 cation in certain records of that assemblage of 
 worthies, which are still extant."^ 
 
 " Mr.- Will Cottington and captain Partridg of 
 Rhoode Hand presented this insevv'ing request to 
 the commissioners in wrightmg — 
 
 " Our request and motion is in behalfe of 
 Rhoode-Iland, that wee the Ilanders of Rhoode- 
 Iland may be rescauied into combination with 
 all the united colonyes of New-England in a 
 firme and perpetuall league of friendship and 
 amity of ofence and defence, mutuall advice 
 and succor upon all just occasions for our mu- 
 tuall safety and wellfaire, &c. 
 
 Will Cottington, 
 Alicxsander Partridg." 
 
 •^- Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 
 
.24 THEIR REQUEST IN " WRIGHTING." 
 
 There is certainly something in the very 
 physiognomy of this document that might well 
 inspire apprehension. The name of Alexander, 
 however mis-spelt, has been warlike in every age, 
 and though its fierceness is in some measure 
 softened by being coupled with the gentle cog- 
 nomen of Partridge, still, like the colour of scar- 
 let, it bears an exceeding great resemblance to 
 the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the 
 letter, moreover, and the soldierlike ignorance 
 of orthography displayed by the noble captain 
 Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his own name, 
 we may picture to ourselves this mighty man of 
 Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, and 
 as great a scholar as though he had been edu- 
 cated among that learned people of Thrace, who, 
 Aristotle assures us, could not count beyond the 
 number four. 
 
 But whatever might be the threatening aspect 
 of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant 
 was not a man to be kept in a state of incerti- 
 tude and vague apprehension ; he liked nothing 
 so much as to meet danger face to face, and 
 take it by the beard. Determined, therefore, to 
 put an end to all these petty maraudings on the 
 borders, he wrote two or three categorical let- 
 ters to the grand council ; which, though neither 
 couched in bad Latin, nor yet graced by rheto- 
 rical tropes about wolves and lambs, and beetle 
 
ADJUSTMENT OF GRIEVANCES. 25 
 
 flies, yet had more effect than all the elaborate 
 epistles, protests, and proclamations of his learn- 
 ed predecessor put together. In consequence 
 of his urgent propositions, the great confederacy 
 of the east agreed to enter into a final adjustment 
 of grievances and settlement of boundaries, to 
 the end that a perpetual and happy peace might 
 take place between the two powers. For this 
 purpose Governor Stuyvesant deputed two am- 
 bassadors to negotiate with commissioners from 
 the grand council of the league, and a treaty was 
 solemnly concluded at Hartford. On receiving 
 intelligence of this event, the whole community 
 was in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of 
 the sturdy Van Corlear sounded all day with 
 joyful clangour from the ramparts of Fort Am- 
 sterdam, and at night the city was magnificently 
 illuminated with two hundred and fifty tallow 
 candles ; besides a barrel of tar, which was burnt 
 before the governor's house, on the cheering as- 
 pect of pubhc affairs. 
 
 And tiow my worthy reader is, doubtless, hke 
 the great and good Peter, congratulating him- 
 self with the idea, that his feehngs will no lon- 
 ger be molested by afflicting details of stolen 
 horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all 
 the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties 
 that disgraced these border wars. But if he 
 should indulge in such expectations, it is a proof 
 3* 
 
26 PETER STUYVESANT's ERROR. 
 
 that he is but Uttle versed in the paradoxical ways 
 of cabinets; to convince him of which, I solicit 
 his serious attention to my next chapter, wherein 
 I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already 
 committed a great error in politics ; and by ef- 
 fecting a peace, ha* materially hazarded the 
 tranquillity of the province. 
 
SPECULATIONS ON WAR. 27 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Containing divers speculations on war and nego- 
 tiations — showing that a treaty of peace is a 
 great national evil. 
 
 It was the opinion of that poetical philoso- 
 pher, Lucretius, that war was the original state 
 of man, whom he described as being primitive- 
 ly a savage beast of prej, engaged in a constant 
 state of hostility with his own species, and that 
 this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated 
 by society. The same opinion has been advo- 
 cated by Hobbes,* nor have there been wanting 
 many other philosophers to admit and defend it. 
 
 For my part, though prodigiously fond of these 
 valuable speculations, so complimentary to hu- 
 man nature, yet, in this instance, I am inchned 
 to take the proposition by halves, believing 
 with Horace,! that though war may have been 
 originally the favourite amusement and indus- 
 trious employment of our progenitors, yet, like 
 
 ^ Hobbes' Leviathan. Part i. chap. 13. 
 f Quura prorepserunt primis animalia terris, 
 Mutuum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter, 
 Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro 
 Pugnabant armis, quas post fabricaverat usus, 
 
 Hor. Sat. L. i. s. S. 
 
28 man's murderous inventions. 
 
 many other excellent habits, so far from being 
 ameliorated, it has been cultivated and con- 
 firmed by refinement and civilization, and in- 
 creases in exact proportion as we approach to- 
 wards that state of perfection which is the ne 
 plus ultra of modern philosophy. 
 
 The first conflict between man and man was 
 the mere exertion of physical force, unaided 
 by auxihary weapons — his arm was his buck- 
 ler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head 
 the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of 
 unassisted strength was succeeded by the more 
 rugged one of stones and clubs, and war assum- 
 ed a sanguinary aspect. As man advanced in 
 refinement, as his faculties expanded, and his 
 sensibilities became tnore exquisite, he grew ra- 
 pidly more ingenious and experienced in the 
 art of murdering his fellow beings. He invented 
 a thousand devices to defend and to assault — the 
 helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler, the sword, 
 the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude 
 the wound, as well as to launch the blow. Still 
 urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic ca- 
 reer of invention, he enlarges and heightens his 
 powers of defence and injury — The Aries, the 
 Scorpio, the Balista, and the Catapulta, give a 
 horror and sublimity to war, and magnify its 
 glory by increasing its desolation. Still insatia- 
 ble, though armed with machinery that seemed 
 
FIGHTING BY PROCLAMATION. 29 
 
 to reach the Hmits of destructive invention, 
 and to yield a power of injury, commensurate 
 even with the desires of revenge — still deeper 
 researches must be made in the diabolical arca- 
 na. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels 
 of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals 
 and deadly salts — the sublime discovery of gun- 
 powder blazes upon the world — and finally the 
 dreadful art of fighting by proclamation, seems 
 to endow the demon of war with ubiquity and 
 omnipotence ! 
 
 This, indeed, is grand! — this, indeed, marks 
 the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine 
 endowment of reason, which distinguishes us 
 from the animals, our inferiors. The unenlight- 
 ened brutes content themselves with the native 
 force which Providence has assigned them. — 
 The angry bull butts with his horns, as did his 
 progenitors before him — the lion, the leopard, 
 and the tyger, seek only with their talons and 
 their fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and 
 even the subtle serpent darts the same venom, 
 and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before 
 the flood. Man alone, blessed with the inven- 
 tive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery 
 — enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruc- 
 tion ; arrogates the tremendous weapons of 
 Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him in 
 murdering his brother worm ! 
 
30 IMPROVEMENTS IN WAR AND PEACE. 
 
 In proportion as the art of war has increased 
 in improvement, has the art of preserving peace 
 advarnced in equal ratio ; and, as we have dis- 
 covered in this age of wonders and inventions, 
 that proclamation is the most formidable engine 
 in war, so have we discovered the liO less inge- 
 nious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual 
 negotiations. 
 
 A treaty, or to speak more correctly, a nego- 
 tiation, therefore, according to the acceptation 
 of experienced statesmen, learned in these mat- 
 ters, is no longer an attempt to accommodate 
 differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish 
 an equitable exchange of kind offices; but a con- 
 test of skill between two powers, which shall 
 over-reach and take in the other. It is a cun- 
 ning endeavour to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre, 
 and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages 
 which a nation would otherwise have wrested 
 by force of arms : in the same manner that a 
 conscientious highwayman reforms and becomes 
 an excellent and praise-worthy citizen, content- 
 ing himself with cheating his neighbour out of 
 that property he would formerly have seized 
 with open violence. 
 
 In fact, the only time when two nations can 
 be said to be in a state of perfect amity, is, when 
 a negotiation is open, and a treaty pending. 
 Then, as there are no stipulations entered into, 
 
NO TERMS ARE THE BEST TERMS. 31 
 
 no bonds to restrain the will, no specific limits 
 to awaken the captious jealousy of right im- 
 planted in our nature, as each party has some 
 advantage to hope and expect from the other, 
 then it is that the two nations are so gracious 
 and friendly to each other ; their ministers pro- 
 fessing the highest mutual regard, exchanging 
 billets-doux, making fine speeches, and indulg- 
 ing in all those little diplomatic flirtations, co- 
 quetries and fondhngs, that do so marvellously 
 tickle the good humour of the respective nations. 
 Thus it may paradoxically be said, that there iis 
 never so good an understanding between two 
 nations, as when there is a little misunderstand- 
 ing — and that so long as they are on no terms, 
 thej are on the best terms in the world ! 
 
 I do not by any means pretend to claim the 
 merit of having made the above political dis- 
 covery. It has in fact long been secretly acted 
 upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, 
 together with divers other notable theories, 
 privately copied out of the common place book 
 of aJi illustrious gentleman, who has been mem- 
 ber of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited con- 
 fidence of heads of departments. To this princi- 
 ple may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity 
 that has been shown of late years in protracting 
 and interrupting negotiations. — Hence the cun- 
 ning measure of appointing as ambassador some 
 
32 HOW TO PROLONG NTIOOTIATIONS. 
 
 political pettifogger skilled iif delays, sophisms, 
 and misapprehensions, and dexterous in the art 
 of baffling argument — or some bhmdering states- 
 man, whose errors and misconstructions may be 
 a plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. 
 Aiid hence too that most notable expedient, so 
 popular with our government, of sending out a 
 brace of ambassadors ; who having each an in- 
 dividual will to consult, character to establish, 
 and interest to promote, you may as well look 
 for unanimity and concord between two lovers 
 with one mistress, two dogs with one bone, or 
 two naked rogues with one pair of breeches. 
 This disagreement, therefore, is continually 
 breeding delays and impediments, in conse- 
 quence of which the negotiation goes on swim- 
 mingly — inasmuch as there is no prospect of its 
 ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost by 
 these delays and obstacles but time, and in a 
 negotiation, according to the theory I have ex- 
 posed, all time lost is in reahty so much time 
 gained — with what delightful paradoxes does 
 modern pohtical economy abound. 
 
 Now all that I have here advanced is so no- 
 toriously true, that I almost blush to take up 
 the time of my readers with treating of matters 
 which must many a time have stared them in 
 the face. But the proposition to which 1 would 
 most earnestly call their attention is this, that 
 
PEACE A CERTAIN SOVRGE &F WAR. 33 
 
 though a negotiation be the most harmonizing of 
 all national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is 
 a great political ev il, and one of the most fruitful 
 sources of war. 
 
 I have rarely seen an instance of any special 
 contract between individuals, that did not pro- 
 duce jealousies, bickerings, and often downright 
 ruptures between them ; nor did I ever know 
 of a treaty between two nations that did not 
 occasion continual misunderstandings. How 
 many worthy country neighbours have I known, 
 who after living in peace and good fellowship 
 for years, have been thrown into a state of dis- 
 trust, cavilling, and animosity, by some ill-starred 
 agreement about fences, runs of water, and stray 
 cattle. And how many well-meaning nations, 
 who would otherwise have remained in the most 
 amicable disposition towards each other, have 
 been brought to swords' points about the infringe- 
 ment, or misconstruction of some treaty, which 
 in an evil hour they had concluded by way of 
 making their amity more sure. 
 
 Treaties at best are but complied with so 
 long as interest requires their fulfilment ; conse- 
 quently, they are virtually binding on the weaker 
 party oidy, or, in plain truth, they are not bind- 
 ing at all. No nation will wantonly go to war 
 with another, if it has nothing to gain thereby, 
 and therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from 
 
 VOL. II. 4 
 
34 NEGOTIATION LIKE COURTSHIP. 
 
 violence; and if it have any thing to gain, I 
 much question, from what I have witnessed of 
 the righteous conduct of nations, whether anj 
 treaty could be made so strong that it could not 
 thrust the sword through — nay, I would hold ten 
 to one, the treaty itself would be the very source 
 to which resort would be had, to find a pretext 
 for hostilities. 
 
 Thus therefore I conclude — that' though it is 
 the best of all policies for a nation to keep up a 
 constant negotiation with its neighbours, yet it is 
 the summit of folly for it ever to be beguiled 
 into a treaty ; for then comes on the non-fulfil- 
 ment and infraction, then remonstrance, then al- 
 tercation, then retahation, then recrimination, 
 and finally open war. In a word, negotiation is 
 like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant 
 speeches, soft looks, and endearing caresses, but 
 the marriage ceremony is the signal for hostilities. 
 
LITTLE ALTERCATIONS OCCUR. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly helled hy his 
 adversaries the Moss Troopers — and his con- 
 duct thereupon. 
 
 If my pains-taking reader be not somev/hat 
 perplexed, in the course of the ratiocination of 
 my last chapter, he will doubtless at one glance 
 perceive, that the great Peter, in concluding a 
 treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guilty 
 of a lamentable error and heterodoxy in politics. 
 To this unlucky agreement may justly be ascri- 
 bed a world of little infringements, alterca ons, 
 negotiations, and bickerings, which afterwards 
 took place between the irreproachable Stuyve- 
 sant, and the evil disposed council of Amphyc- 
 tions. Ail these did not a little dif- urb the con- 
 stitutional serenity of the good burghers of Man- 
 nahata ; but in sooth they were so very pitiful in 
 their nature and effects, that a grave historian, 
 who grudges the time spent in any thing less 
 than recording the fall of empires, and the revo- 
 lution of worlds, would think them unworthy to 
 te inscribed on his sacred page. 
 
36 EXULTATION OF THE GOVERNOR. 
 
 The reader is therefore to take it for granted-, 
 though I scorn to waste in the detail that time 
 which my farrowed brow and trembhng hand 
 inform me is invaUiable, that all the while the 
 great Peter was occupied in those tremendous 
 and bloody contests that I shall shortly rehearse, 
 there was a continued series of little, dirty, sni- 
 velling skirmishes, scourings, broils, and maraud- 
 ings made on the eastern frontiers, by the moss 
 troopers of Connecticut. But like that mirror 
 of chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, 
 I leave these petty contests for some future 
 Sancho Panza of an historian, while I reserve my 
 prowess and my pen for achievements of higher 
 dignity. 
 
 Now did the great Peter conclude, that his 
 labours had come to a close in the east, and 
 that he had nothing to do but apply himself to 
 the internal prosperity of his beloved Manhat- 
 toes. Though a man of great modesty, he could 
 not help boasting that he had at length shut the 
 temple of Janus, and that, were all rulers like a 
 certain person who should be nameless, it woul < 
 never be opened again. But the exultation of 
 the worthy governor was put to a speedy check, 
 for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly 
 was the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty 
 and discourteous council of the league sought a 
 new pretence for realluming the flames of discord. 
 
REPUBLICAN SQUEAMISHNESS. 37 
 
 It seems to be the nature of confederacies, 
 republics, and such hke powers, that want the 
 true mascuhne character, to indulge exceeding- 
 ly in certain feminine panics and suspicions. 
 Like some good lady of delicate and sickly vir- 
 tue, who is in constant dread of having her ves- 
 tal purity contaminated or seduced, and who, 
 if a man do but take her by the hand, or look 
 her in the face, is ready to cry out, rape ! and 
 ruin ! — so these squeamish governments are per- 
 petually on the alarm for the virtue of the coun- 
 try : every manly measure is a violation of the 
 constitution — every monarchy or other mascu- 
 line government around them is laying snares 
 for their seduction ; and they are for ever de- 
 tecting infernal plots, by which they were to be 
 betrayed, dishonoured, and " brought upon the 
 town." 
 
 If any proof were wanting of the truth of these 
 opinions, I would instance the conduct of a cer- 
 tain republic of our day; w^ho,-good dame, has 
 already withstood so many plots and conspira- 
 cies against her virtue, and has so often come 
 near being made " no better than she should 
 be." I would notice her constant jealousies of 
 poor old England, who, by her own account, has 
 been incessantly trying to sap her honour ; 
 though, from my soul, I never could believe the 
 honest old gentleman meant her any rudeness. 
 4* 
 
38 FOUL CHARGES AGAINST PETER. 
 
 Whereas, on the contrary, I think I have several 
 times caught her squeezing hands and induUjjing 
 in certain amorous ogUngs with that sad fellow 
 Bonaparte — who all the world knows to be a 
 great despoiler of national virtue, to have ruined 
 all the empires in his neighbourhood, and to 
 have debauched every republic that came in his 
 way — but so it is, these rakes seem always to 
 gaiii singular favour with the ladies. 
 
 But I crave pardon of my reader for thus 
 wandering, and will endeavour in some mea- 
 sure to apply the foregoing remarks ; for in the 
 year 1651 we are told that the great confedera- 
 cy of the east accused the immaculate Peter — 
 the soul of honour and heart of steel — that by 
 divers gifts and promises he had been secretly 
 endeavouring to instigate the Narrohigansett, 
 (or Narraganset) 3Iohaque, and Pequot Indians, 
 to surprise and massacre the Yankee settle- 
 ments. "For," as the council slanderously ob- 
 served, " the Indians round about for diver$ 
 hundred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke 
 deep of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the 
 Manhatoes against the English, whoe have 
 sought their good, both in bodily and spirituall 
 respects." 
 
 History does not make mention how the great 
 council of the Amphyctions came by this pre- 
 cious plot ; whether it was honestly bought at- 
 
THE author's moderatiok. 39 
 
 a fair market price, or discovered by sheer good 
 fortune — It is certain, however, that they exam- 
 ined divers Indians, who all swore to the fact 
 as sturdily as though they had been so many 
 Christian troopers : and to be more sure of 
 their veracity, the sage council previously made 
 every mother's son of them devoutly drunk, re- 
 membering an old and trite proverb, which it is 
 not necessary for me to repeat. 
 
 Though descended from a family which suffer- 
 ed much injury from the losel Yankees of those 
 times — my great grandfather having had a yoke 
 of oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having 
 received a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose 
 in one of these border wars ; and my grandfather, 
 when a very little boy tending pigs, having been 
 kidnapped and severely flogged by a long-sided 
 Connecticut schoolmaster — Yet I should have 
 passed over all these wrongs with forgiveness 
 and oblivion — I could even have suffered them 
 to have broken Evert Ducking's head, to have 
 kicked the doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his 
 ragged regiment out of doors, carried every hog 
 into captivity, and depopulated every hen roost 
 on the face of the earth with perfect impunity — 
 But this wanton attack upon one of the most 
 gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern 
 times is too much even for me to digest, and 
 has overset, with a single puff, the patience of 
 
40 THEIR FALSEHOOD ASSERTED. 
 
 the historian, and the forbearance of the Dutch- 
 man. 
 
 Oh reader, it was false ! — I swear to thee, it 
 was false !-;— if thou hast any respect to my 
 word — if the undeviating character for veracity, 
 which I have endeavoured to maintain through- 
 out this work, has its due weight with thee, thou 
 wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander 5 
 for I pledge my honour and my immortal fame 
 to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was 
 not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but 
 would have suffered his right arm, or even his 
 wooden leg to consume with slow and everlast- 
 ing flames, rather than attempt to destroy his 
 enemies in any other way than open generous 
 warfare — beshrew those caitiff scouts that con- 
 spired to sully his honest name by such an im- 
 putation ! 
 
 Petei Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had 
 never heard of a Knight Errant, yet had he as 
 true a heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round 
 table of King Arthur. There was a spirit of na- 
 tive gallantry, a noble and generous hardihood 
 diffused through his rugged manners, which al- 
 together gave unquestionable tokens of, an he- 
 roic mind. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry 
 struck off by the hand of nature at a single heat, 
 and though she had taken no farther care to po- 
 lish and refine her workmanship, he stood forth 
 a miracle of her skill. 
 
HONOUR or PETER VINDICATED. 41 
 
 But not to be figurative, (a fault in historic 
 writing whi<:h I particularly eschew,) the great 
 Peter possessed, in an eminent degree, the seven 
 renowned and noble virtues of knighthood, 
 which, as he had never consulted authors in 
 the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, 1 
 verily believe must have been implanted in the 
 corner of his heart by dame Nature herself — 
 where they flourished among his hardy qualities 
 like so many sweet wild flowers, shooting forth 
 and thriving with redundant luxuriance among 
 stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of Peter the 
 Headstrong, and if my admiration for it has, on 
 this occasion, transported my style beyond the 
 sober gravity which becomes the laborious scribe 
 of historic events, I can plead as an apology, 
 that though a little gray-headed Dutchman ar- 
 rived almost at the bottom of the down-hill of 
 life, I still retain some portion of that celestial 
 fire which sparkles in the eye of youth, when 
 contemplating the virtues and achievements of 
 ancient worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times 
 blessed be the good St. Nicholas — that I have 
 escaped the influence of that chilling apathy, 
 which too often freezes the sympathies of age ; 
 which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals 
 of the heart, repulsing every genial sentiment, 
 and paralyzing every spontaneous glow of e»- 
 fhusiasm. 
 
42 HIS HEROIC CHALLENGE. 
 
 No sooner then did this scoundrel imputation 
 on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuy vesant, 
 than he proceeded in a manner which would 
 have redounded to his credit, even though he 
 had studied for years in the library of Don 
 Quixote himself. He immediately despatched 
 his valiant trumpeter and squire, Antony Van 
 Corlear,, with orders to ride night and day, as 
 herald, to the Amphyctionic council, reproach- 
 ing them in terms of noble indignation, for 
 giving ear to the slanders of heathen infidels, 
 against the character of a Christian, a gentle- 
 man, and a soldier — and declaring, that as to 
 the treacherous and bloody plot alleged against 
 him, whoever affirmed it to be true, lied in his 
 teeth ! — to prove which, he defied the president 
 of the council and all of his compeers, or, if they 
 pleased, their puissant champion, captain Alicx- 
 sander Partridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, to 
 meet him in single combat, where he would 
 trust the vindication of his innocence to the 
 prowess of his arm. 
 
 This challenge being delivered with due cere- 
 mony, Antony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet 
 of defiance before the whole council, ending 
 with a most horrific and nasal twang, full in the 
 face of Captain Partridg, who almost jumped out 
 of his skin in an ecstacy of astonishment at the 
 noise. This done, he mounted a tall Flanders 
 
EFFECT OF ANTONYMS TRUMPET. 43 
 
 mare, which he always rode, and trotted merrily 
 towards the Manhattoes — passing through Hart- 
 ford, and Pyquag, and Middletown, and all the 
 other border towns — twanging his trumpet like 
 a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks 
 of the Connecticut resounded with the warlike 
 melody, — and stopping occasionally to eat pump- 
 kin pies, dance at country frolicks, and bundle 
 with the beauteous lasses of those parts — whom 
 he rejoiced exceedingly with his soul-stirring in- 
 strument. 
 
 But the grand council being composed of 
 considerate men, had no idea of running a tilt- 
 ing with such a fiery hero as the hardy Peter — 
 on the contrary, they sent him an answer 
 couched in the meekest, the most mild, and 
 provoking terms, in which they assured him that 
 his guilt was proved to their perfect satisfaction, 
 by the testimony of divers sober and respecta- 
 ble Indians, and concluding with this truly 
 amiable paragraph — " For you re confidant de- 
 nialls of the Barbarous plott charged will waigh 
 little in balance against such evidence, soe that 
 we must still require and seeke due satisfac- 
 tion and cecurite, so we rest, 
 Sir, 
 
 Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c." 
 
 I am aware that the above transaction has 
 been differently recorded by certain historians 
 
44 ©INDUCT OP THE COMMISSIONERS. 
 
 of the east, and elsewhere ; who seem to have 
 inherited the bitter enmity of their ancestors to 
 the brave Peter — and much good may their in- 
 heritance do them. These declare, that Peter 
 Stuy vesant requested to have the charges against 
 him inquired into, by commissioners to be ap- 
 pointed for the purpose; and yet that when such 
 commissioners were appointed, he refused to 
 submit to their examination. In this artful ac- 
 count there is but the semblance of truth — he 
 did, indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he 
 found a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, 
 to submit his conduct to the rigorous inspection 
 of a court of honour — but then he expected to 
 find it an august tribunal, composed of courte- 
 ous gentlemen, the governors and nobility of 
 the confederate plantations, and of the province 
 of New-Netherlands ; where he might be tried 
 by his peers, in a manner worthy of his rank 
 and dignity — whereas, let me perish, if they did 
 not send to the Manhattoes two lean sided hun- 
 gry pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset pacers, 
 with saddle bags under their bottoms, and green 
 satchels under their arms, as though they were 
 about to beat the hoof from one county court to 
 another in search of a law suit. 
 
 The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, 
 took no notice of these cunning varlets ; who, 
 with professional industry, fell to prying and 
 
ADJOURNMENT OF THE GRAND COUNCIL. 45 
 
 sifting about, in quest of ex parte evidence ; per- 
 plexing divers simple Indians and old women, 
 with their cross questioning, until they contra- 
 dicted and forswore themselves most horribly. 
 Thus having fulfilled their errand to their own 
 satisfaction, they returned to the grand council 
 with their satchels and saddle bags stuffed full 
 of villanous rumours, apocryphal stories, and 
 outrageous calumnies, — for all which the great 
 Peter did not care a tobacco stopper; but, I 
 warrant me, had they attempted to play off the 
 same trick upon William the Testy, he would 
 have treated them both to an atrial gambol on 
 his patent gallows. 
 
 The grand council of the east held a very 
 solemn meeting on the return of their envoys, 
 and after they had pondered a long time on the 
 situation of affairs, were upon the point of ad- 
 journing without being able to agree upon any 
 thing. At this critical moment one of those med- 
 dlesome, indefatigable spirits, who endeavour 
 to establish a character for patriotism by blow- 
 ing the bellows of party, until the whole furnace 
 of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders — * 
 and who have just cunning enough to know 
 that there is no time so favourable for getting 
 on the people's backs as when they are in a 
 state of turmoil, and attending to every body's 
 business but their own — This aspiring imp of 
 
 VOL. II. 5 
 
46 CRUSADE DENOUNCED AGAINST 
 
 faction, who was called a great politician, be- 
 cause he had secured a seat in council by ca- 
 lumniating all his opponents — he, I say, con- 
 ceived this a fit opportunity to strike a blow 
 that should secure his popularity among his con- 
 stituents who lived on the borders of Nieuw- 
 Nederlandt, and were the greatest poachers in 
 Christendom, excepting the Scotch border no- 
 bles. Like a second Peter the hermit, therefore, 
 he stood forth and preached up a crusade against 
 Peter Stuyvesant, and his devoted city. 
 
 He made a speech which lasted six hours, ac- 
 cording to the ancient cus,tom in these parts, in 
 which he represented the Dutch as a race of im- 
 pious heretics, who neither believed in witch- 
 craft, nor the sovereign virtues of horse-shoes — 
 who left their country for the lucre of gain, not 
 like themselves, for the enjoyment of liberty of 
 conscience— ^^'h.o^ in short, were a race of mere 
 cannibals and anthropophagi, inasmuch as they 
 never eat cod-fish on Saturdays, devoured swine's 
 flesh without molasses, and held pumpkins in 
 utter contempt. 
 
 # This speech had the desired effect, for the 
 council, being awakened by the sergeant at arms, 
 rubbed their eyes, and declared that it was just 
 and politic to declare instant war against these 
 unchrislian anti-pumpkinites. But it was neces- 
 sary that the people at large should first be pre- 
 
THE DUTCH ANTI-PUMPKIXITES. 47 
 
 pared for this measure, and for this purpose the 
 arguments of the orator were preached from the 
 pulpit for several Sundays subsequent, and earn- 
 estly recommended to the consideration of every 
 good Christian, who professed, as well as practi- 
 sed, the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the 
 forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we 
 hear of the " Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for 
 political recruits in our country ; and it proved of 
 such signal efficacy, that it has since been called 
 into frequent service throughout our union. A 
 cunning politician is often found skulking under 
 the clerical robe, with an outside all religion, and 
 an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual 
 and things temporal are strangely jumbled to- 
 gether, like poisons and antidotes on an apothe- 
 cary's shelf; and instead of a devout sermon, the 
 simple church-going folk have often a po'i ' al 
 pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled witb 
 a pious text from Scripture, 
 
48 
 
 CPIAPTER V. 
 
 Hozo ike Kezo'Amsterdammers became great in 
 arms., and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty 
 army — together with Peter Stiiyvesant^s mea* 
 sures to fortify the city — and how he was the 
 original founder of the Battery. 
 
 But notwithstanding that the grand council, 
 as I have already shown, were amazingly dis- 
 creet in their proceedings respecting the New- 
 Netherlands, and conducted the whole with al- 
 most as much silence and mystery as does the 
 sage British cabinet one of its ill-starred secret 
 expeditions — yet did the ever watchful Peter 
 receive as full and accurate information of every 
 movement as does the court of France of all 
 the notable enterprises I have mentioned. — 
 fte accordingly sat himself to work, to render 
 the machinations of his bitter adversaries abor- 
 tive. 
 
 I know that many will censure the precipita- 
 tion of this stout hearted old governor, in that 
 he hurried into the expenses of fortification, 
 
VALOROUS TRAIN BANDS. 49 
 
 , without ascertaining whether they w^ere neces- 
 sary, by prudently waiting until the enemy was 
 at the door. But they should recollect that 
 Peter Stuyvesant had not the benefit of an in- 
 sight into the modern arcana of politics, and v, as 
 strangely- bigoted to certain obsolete maxims 
 of the old school ; among which he firmly be- 
 lieved, that to render a country respected abroad, 
 it was necessary to make it formidable at home — 
 and that a nation should place its reliance for 
 peace and security more upon its own strength, 
 than on the justice or good will of its neigh- 
 bours. He proceeded, therefore, with all dili- 
 gence, to put the province and metropolis in a 
 strong posture of defence. 
 
 Among the few remnants of ingenious inven- 
 tions which remained from the days of William 
 the Testy, were those impregnable bulwarks of 
 public safety, militia laws ; by which the inhabi- 
 tants were obliged to turn out twice a year, 
 with such military equipments — as it pleased 
 God ; and were put under the command of very 
 valiant tailors, and man-miliiners, who though 
 on ordinary occasions the meekest, pippin- 
 hearted httle men in the world, were very devils 
 at parades and court-martials, when they had 
 cocked hats on their heads, and sw ords by their 
 sides. Under the instructions of these periodical 
 warriors, the 2;aiiant train bands made marvel- 
 
50 A SMALL MISTAKE RECTiriED. 
 
 lous proficiency in the mystery of gunpowder* 
 They were taught to face to the right, to wheel 
 to the left, to snap off empty fire-locks without 
 winking, to turn a corner without any great up- 
 roar or irregularity, and to march through sun 
 and rain from one end of the town to the other 
 without flinching — until in the end they became 
 so valorous that they fired off blank cartridges, 
 without so much as turning away their heads — 
 could hear the largest field piece discharged 
 without stopping their ears, or falling into much 
 confusion — and would even go through all the 
 fatigues and perils of a summer day's parade, 
 without having their ranks much thinned by de- 
 sertion ! 
 
 True it is, the genius of this tnily pacific peo- 
 ple was so little given to war, that during the 
 intervals which occurred between field days, 
 they generally contrived to forget all the military 
 tuition they had received ; so that when they re- 
 appeared on parade, they scarcely knew the butt- 
 end of the musket from the muzzle, and inva- 
 riably mistook the right shoulder for the left — 
 a mistake which, however, was soon obviated by 
 chalking their left arms. *But whatever might be 
 their blunders and awkwardness, the sagacious 
 Kieft declared them to be of but little import- 
 ance — since, as he judiciously observed, one 
 campaign would be of more instruction to them 
 
Peter's ragged regiment. 51 
 
 than a hundred parades ; for though two-thirds 
 of them might be food for powder, yet such of 
 the other third as did not run awaj would be- 
 come most experienced veterans. 
 
 The great Stuyvesant had no particular vene- 
 ration for the ingenious experiments and insti- 
 tutions of his shrewd predecessor, and among 
 other things, held the militia system in very 
 considerable contempt, which he was often heard 
 to call in joke — for he was sometimes fond of a 
 joke — ^governor Kieft's broken reed. As, how- 
 ever, the present emergency was pressing, he 
 was obliged to avail himself of such means of 
 defence as were next at hand, and accordingly 
 appointed a general inspection and parade of 
 the train bands. But oh! Mars and Bellona, and 
 all ye other powers of war both great and small, 
 what a turning out was here ! — -Here came men 
 without officers, and officers without men — long 
 fowling pieces, and short 'blunderbusses — mus- 
 kets of all sorts and sizes, some without bayo- 
 nets, others without locks, others without stocks, 
 and many without lock, stock, or barrel. — Car- 
 tridge-boxes, shot-belts, powder horns, swords, 
 hatchets, snicker-snees, crow-bars, and broom- 
 sticks, all mingled higgledy, piggledy — like one 
 of our continental armies at the breaking out of 
 the revolution. 
 
 This sudden transformation of a pacific com- 
 munity into a band of warriors is doubtless 
 
52 '' PUTTING A NATION IN ARMOUR." 
 
 what is meant, in naodern days, by " putting a 
 nation in armour," and "fixing it in an atti- 
 tude." In which armour and attitude it makes 
 as martial a figure, and is hkely to acquit itself 
 with as much prowess, as the renowned Sancho 
 Panza, when suddenly equipped to defend his 
 Island of Barataria. 
 
 The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment 
 with some such rueful aspect as a man would 
 eye the devil ; but knowing, like a wise man, 
 that all he had to do was to make the best out 
 of a bad bargain, he determined to give his 
 heroes a seasoning. Having, therefore, drilled 
 them thiough the manual exercise over and over 
 again, he ordered the fifes to strike up a quick 
 march, and trudged his sturdy boots backwards 
 and forwards about the sti^ets of New-Amster- 
 dam, and the fields adjacent, until their short 
 legs ached, and their fat sides sweated again. 
 But this was notall;u^he martial spirit of the old 
 governor caught fire from the sprightly music 
 of the fife, and he resolved to try the mettle of 
 his troops, and give them a taste of the hard- 
 ships of iron war. To this end he encam]>ed 
 them, as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill 
 formerly called Bunker's Hill, at some distance 
 from the town, with a full intention of initiating 
 them into the discipline of camps, and of re- 
 newing the next day, the toils and perils of tJic 
 field. But so it came to pass, that in the hight 
 
AWFUL DISSOLUTION OF THE REGIMENT. 53 
 
 there fell a great and heavy rain, which descend- 
 ed in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty 
 army strangely melted away before it; so that 
 when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morning 
 beams upon the place, saving Peter Stiiyvesant 
 and his trumpeter, Van Corlear, scarce one was 
 to be found of all the multitude that had en- 
 camped there the night before. 
 
 This awful dissolution of his army woMd have 
 appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter 
 Stuyvesant ; but he considered it as a matter of 
 but small importance, though he thenceforward 
 regarded the militia system with ten times greats 
 er contempt than ever, and took care to pro- 
 vide himself with a good garrison of chosen men, 
 whom he kept in pay, of whom he boasted that 
 they at least possessed the quality, indispensable 
 in soldiers, of being water proof. 
 
 The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant was 
 to strengthen and fortify New- Amsterdam. For 
 this purpose he caused to be built a strong pick- 
 et fence that reached across the island, from 
 river to river, being intended to protect tile city 
 not merely from the sudden invasions of foreign 
 enemies, but likewise from the incursions of the 
 neighbouring savages.* 
 
 * In an antique view of New- Amsterdam, taken some 
 years after the above period, is a representation of this wall, 
 which stretched along- the course of Wall-street, so called 
 iu commemoration of this g^reat bulwark. One gate, call- 
 
S4 A PRODIGIOUS STRONG WALL BUlLt. 
 
 Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the 
 building of this wall to a later period, but they 
 are wholly incorrect; for a memorandum in the 
 Stuyvesant manuscript, dated towards the mid- 
 dle of the governor's reign, mentions this wall 
 particularly, as a very strong and curious piece 
 of workmanship, and the admiration of all the 
 savages in the neighbourhood. And it mentions, 
 moreo^r. the alarming circumstance of a drove 
 of stray cows breaking through the grand wall 
 of a dark night; by which the whole community 
 of New- Amsterdam was thrown into a terrible 
 panic. 
 
 In addition to this great wall, he cast up 
 several outworks to Fort Amsterdam, to protect 
 the seaboard, at the point of the island. These 
 consisted of formidable mud batteries, solidly 
 faced, after the manner of the Dutch ovens 
 common in those days, with clam shells. 
 
 These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, 
 came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant car- 
 pet of grass and clover, and their high embank- 
 ments overshadowed by wide spreading syca- 
 mores, among w^hose foliage the little birds sport- 
 ed the Land-Poort, opened upon Broad- way, hard by where 
 at present stands the Trinity Church ; and another, called 
 the Water- Poort, stood about where the Tontine Coffee 
 House is at present — opening upon Smits Vleye, or as it is 
 commonly called. Smith Fly, then a marshy valley, with a 
 creek or inlet extending up what we call Maiden-lane. 
 
•RIGIN OF THE BATTERY. 55 
 
 ed about, rejoicing the ear with their melodious 
 notes. The old burghers would repair of an af- 
 ternoon to smoke their pipes under the shade 
 of their branches, contemplating the golden 
 sun as he gradually sunk into the west, an em- 
 blem of that tranquil end toward which them- 
 selves were hastening — while the young men and 
 the damsels of the town would take many a 
 moonhght stroll among these favourite haunts, 
 watching the silver beams of chaste Cynthia 
 tremble along the calm bosom of the bay, or 
 light up the white sail of some gliding bark, and 
 interchanging the honest vows of constant affec- 
 tion. Such was the origin of that renowned 
 walk THE BATTERY, which, though ostensibly 
 devoted to the purposes of war, has ever been 
 consecrated to the sweet delights of peace. 
 The favourite walk of declining age — the health- 
 ful resort of the feeble invalid — the Sunday re- 
 freshment of the dusty tradesman — the scene of 
 many a boyish gambol — the rendezvous of many 
 a tender assignation — the comfort of the citizen 
 — the ornament of New- York, and the pride of 
 the lovely island of Mannahata. 
 
56 HOSTfLE PREPARATIONS OP THE LEAGUE. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 How the people of the east country were suddenly 
 afflicted with a diabolical evil — and their judi' 
 cious measures for the extirpation thereof 
 
 Having thus provided for the temporary secu- 
 rity of New-Amsterdam, and guarded it against 
 any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a 
 hearty pinch of snufF, and, snapping his fingers, 
 set the great council of Amphyctions, and their 
 champion, the doughty Alicxsander Partridg, at 
 defiance. It is impossible to say, notwithstand- 
 ing, what might have been the issue of this af- 
 fair, had not the council been all at once involv- 
 ed in sad perplexity, and as much dissension 
 sown among its members, as of yore was stirred 
 up in the camp of the brawling warriors of 
 Greece. 
 
 The council of the league, as I have shown in 
 my last chapter, had already announced its hos»- 
 tile determinations, and already was the mighty 
 colony of New-Haven and the puissant town of 
 Pyquag, otherwise called Weathersfield — fa- 
 mous for its onions and its witches — and the 
 
Hew THWARTED. 57 
 
 great trading house of Hartford, and all the 
 other redoubtable border towns, in a prodigious 
 turmoil, furbishing up their rusty fowling pieces, 
 and shouting aloud for war ; by which they an- 
 ticipated easy conquests, and gorgeous spoils, 
 from the little fat Dutch villages. But this joy- 
 ous brawling was soon silenced by the conduct 
 of the colony of Massachusetts. Struck with the 
 gallant spirit of the brave old Peter, and con- 
 vinced by the chivalric frankness and heroic 
 warmth of his vindication, they refused to be- 
 lieve him guilty of the infamous plot most 
 wrongfully laid at his door. With a generosity 
 for which I would yield them immortal honour, 
 they declared, that no determination of the* 
 strand council of the leaarue should bind the 
 general court of Massachusetts to join in an of- 
 fensive war, which should appear to such gene- 
 ral court to be mijust.* 
 
 This refusal immediately involved the colony 
 of Massachusetts and the other combined colo- 
 nies in very serious difficulties and disputes, 
 and would no doubt have produced a dissolution 
 of the confederacy, but that the council of Am- 
 phyctions, finding that they could not stand 
 alone, if mutilated by the loss of so important a 
 member as Massachusetts, were fain to abandon 
 
 * Haz. Col. Stat. Pap. 
 VOL. II. 6 
 
58 NEW-ENGLAND HORRIBLY BELEAGUERED. 
 
 for the present their hostile machinations against 
 the Manhattoes. Such is the marvellous energy 
 and the puissance of those confederacies, compo- 
 sed of a number of sturdy, self-willed, discordant 
 parts, loosely banded together by a puny general 
 government. As it was, however, the warlike 
 towns of Connecticut had no cause to deplore this 
 disappointment of their martial ardour ; for by my 
 faith — though the combined powers of the league 
 might have been too potent in the end, for the ro- 
 bustious warriors of the Manhattoes — jet in the 
 interim would the lion-hearted Peter and his 
 myrmidons have choaked the stomachful heroes 
 of Pyquag with their own onions, and have given 
 the other little border towns such a scouring, that 
 I warrant they would have had no stomach to 
 squat on the land, or invade the hen roost of a 
 New-Nederlander for a century to come. 
 
 Indeed, there was more than one cause to 
 divert the attention of the good people of the 
 east, from their hostile purposes ; for just about 
 this time were they horribly beleagured and 
 harassed by the inroads of the prince of dark- 
 ness, divers of whose liege subjects they detect- 
 ed, lurking within their camp, all of whom they 
 incontinently roasted as so many spies and 
 dangerous enemies. Not to speak in parables, 
 we are informed, that at this juncture the New- 
 England provinces were exceedingly troubled 
 
CREDULITY OF THE MOB, 
 
 ^9 
 
 bj multitudes of losel witches, who wrought 
 strange devices to beguile and distress the mul- 
 titude ; and notwithstanding numerous judicious 
 and bloody laws had been enacted against all 
 " solem conversing or compacting with the divil, 
 by way of conjuracon or the like,"* yet did the 
 dark crime of witchcraft continue to increase to 
 an alarming degree, that would almost transcend 
 belief, were not the fact too well'authenticated 
 to be even doubted for an instant. 
 
 What is particularly w^orthy of admiration is, 
 that this terrible art, which so long has baffled 
 the painful researches and abstruse studies of 
 philosophers, astrologers, alchymists, theurgists, 
 and other sages, was chiefly confined to the most 
 ignorant, decrepid, and ugly old women in the 
 community, who had scarcely more brains than 
 the broomsticks they rode upon. 
 
 When once an alarm is sounded, the public, 
 who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long 
 in Avant of proofs to support it — raise but the 
 cry of yellow fever, and immediately every 
 head-ache, and indigestion, and overfloAving of 
 the bile is pronounced the terrible epidemic — 
 In like manner, in the present instance, who- 
 ever was troubled with a colic or lumbago, was 
 sure to be bewitched, and wo to any unlucky 
 
 ♦^ New-Plymouth Record. 
 
6(5 
 
 SCRUTINY FOR WITCHES. 
 
 old woman that lived in his neighbourhood. 
 Such a howling abomination could not be suffer- 
 ed to remain long unnoticed, and it accordingly 
 soon attracted the fiery indignation of the sober 
 and reflective part of the community — more es- 
 pecially of those, who, whilome, had evinced so 
 much active benevolence in the conversion of 
 quakers and anabaptists. The grand council of 
 the Amphyctfbns publicly set their faces against 
 so deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scru- 
 tiny took place after those nefarious witches, 
 who were easily detected by devil's pinches, 
 black cats, broomsticks, and the circumstance of 
 their only being able to weep three tears, and 
 those out of the left eye. 
 
 It is incredible the number of offences that 
 were detected, '' for every one of which," says 
 tlie profound and reverend Cotton Mather, in 
 that excellent work, the history of New-England 
 — '' we have slich a sufficient evidence, that no 
 reasonable man in this whole country ever did 
 question thein ; and it zoill be unreasonable to do 
 il in any other, ^"^^ 
 
 Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, 
 John Josselyn, Gent, furnishes us with unques- 
 tionable facts on this subject. " There are noncj" 
 observes he, " that beg in tiiis country, but there 
 
 * Mather's Hist. New-Eng. b. 6. ch. 7, 
 
MA.RVELLOUS INSTANCE OF OBSTINACY. 61 
 
 be witches too many — bottle bellied witches and 
 others, that produce many strange apparitions, 
 if you will believe report of a shallop at sea 
 manned with women — and of a ship and great 
 red horse standing by the mainmast ; the ship 
 being in a small cove to the eastward vanished 
 of a sudden," &ic. 
 
 The number of delinquents, however, and their 
 magical devices were not more remarkable than 
 their diabolical obstinac3% Though exhorted in 
 the most solemn, persuasive, and affectionate 
 manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be 
 burnt for the good of religion, and the entertain- 
 ment of the public ; yet did they most pertina- 
 ciously persist in asserting their innocence. 
 Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserv- 
 ing of immediate punishment, and was sufficient 
 proof, if proof were necessary, that they were 
 in league with the devil, who is perverseness 
 itself. But their judges were just and merciful, 
 and were determined to punish none that were 
 not convicted on the best of testimony ; not that 
 they needed any evidence to satisfy their own 
 minds, for, like true and experienced judges, 
 their minds were perfectly made up, and they 
 were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the pri- 
 soners, before they proceeded to try them; but 
 still something was necessary to convince the 
 community at large — to quiet those prying quid- 
 6^ 
 
G2 MODE OF EXTIRFATING WITCHCRAFT. 
 
 nuncs who should come after them — in shcnt, 
 the world must be satisfied. Oh the world — the 
 world !— all the world knows the world of trou- 
 ble the world is eternally occasioning! — The 
 worthy judges, therefore, were driven to, the ne- 
 cessity of sifting, detecting, and making evident 
 as noon day, nniatters which were at the com- 
 mencement all clearly understood and firmly 
 decided upon in their own pericraniums — so that 
 it may truly be said, that the witches were burnt 
 to gratify the populace of the day — but were 
 tried for the satisfaction of the whole world that 
 should come after them ! 
 
 Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, 
 sound reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail 
 on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the 
 more urgent arguments of the torture, and hav- 
 ing thus absolutely wrung the truth from their 
 stubborn lips — they condemned them to undergo 
 the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they 
 had confessed. Some even carried their per- 
 verseness so far as to expire under the torture^ 
 protesting their innocence to the last ; but these 
 were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely 
 possessed by the devil, and the pious by-stand- 
 ers only lamented that they had not lived a 
 little longer, to have perished in the flames. 
 
 In the City of Ephesus, we are told, that the 
 plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old 
 
REMARKABLE CIRCUMSTANCES. 63 
 
 beggar to death, whom Appolonius pointed out 
 as being the evil spirit that caused it, and who 
 actually showed himself to be a demon, by chang- 
 ing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by 
 measures equally sagacious, a salutary check 
 was given to this growing evil. The witches 
 were all burnt, banished, or panic-struck^ and in 
 a little while there was not an ugly old woman 
 to be found throughout New-England — which is 
 doubtless one reason why all the young women 
 there are so handsome. Those honest folk who 
 had suffered from their incantations gradually 
 recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted 
 with twitches and aches, which, however, assum- 
 ed the less alarming aspect of rheumatisms, scia- 
 tics and lumbagos — and the good people of 
 New-England, abandoning the study of the oc- 
 cult sciences, turned their attention to the more 
 profitable hocus pocus of trade, and soon became 
 expert in the legerdemain art of turning a pen- 
 ny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven is 
 discernible, even unto this day, in their charac- 
 ters — witches occasionally start up among them 
 in different disguises, as physicians, civihans, 
 and divines. The people at large show a keen- 
 ness, a cleverness, and a profundity of wisdom, 
 that savours strongly of witchcraft — and it has 
 been remarked, that whenever any stones fall 
 from the moon, the greater part of them is sure 
 to tumble into New-England ! 
 
64 PROTECTING EARE OP ST. NICHOLAS. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Which records the rise and renown of a valiant 
 commander, showing that a man, like a blad- 
 der, may be puffed up to greatness and impor- 
 tance by mere wind. 
 
 When treating of these tempestuous times, 
 the unknown writer of the Stujvesant manu- 
 script breaks out into a vehement apostrophe, 
 in praise of the good St. Nicholas ; to whose 
 protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange 
 dissentions that broke out in the council of the 
 Amphjctions, and the direful witchcraft that 
 prevailed in the east country — whereby the hos-^ 
 tile machinations against the Nederlanders were 
 for a time frustrated, and his favourite city of 
 New-Amsterdam preserved from imminent peril 
 and deadly warfare. Darkness and lowering 
 superstition hung over the fair valleys of the 
 east; the pleasant banks of the Connecticut no 
 longer echoed with the sounds of rustic gayety ; 
 direful phantoms and portentous apparitions 
 were seen in the air — gliding spectrums haunted 
 every wild brook and dreary glen — strange 
 voices, made by viewless forms, were heard in 
 
JACOBUS VAN POFFENBURGH. 65 
 
 desert solitudes — and the border towns were so 
 occupied in detecting and punishing the know- 
 ing old women, that had produced these alarm- 
 ing appeai:ances, that for a while the province 
 of Nieuw-Nederlandt and its inhabitants were 
 totally forgotten. 
 
 The great Peter, therefore, finding that no- 
 thing was to be immediately apprehended from 
 his eastern neighbours, turned himself about, 
 with a praiseworthy vigilance that ever distin- 
 guished him, to put aifetop to the insults of the 
 Swedes. These freebooters, my attentive reader 
 will recollect had begun to be very troublesome 
 towards the latter part of the reign of William 
 the Testy, having set the proclamations of that 
 doughty little governor at naught, and put the 
 intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a perfect non 
 plus ! 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already 
 been shown, was a governor of different habits 
 and turn of mind — without more ado he imme- 
 diately iss'ued orders for raising a corps of troops 
 to be stationed on the southern frontier, under 
 the command of brigadier general Jacobus Van 
 Poffenburgh. This illustrious warrior had risen 
 to great importance during the reign of Wilhel- 
 mus Kieft, and if histories speak true, was second 
 in command to the hapless Van Curlet, when he 
 and his ragged regiment were inhumanly kicked 
 
66 HIS CHARACTER. 
 
 out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees. In con- 
 sequence of having been in such a " memorable 
 affair," and of having received more wounds on 
 a certain honourable part that shall be nameless 
 than any of his comrades, he vras ever after con- 
 sidered as a hero, who had "seen some service." 
 Certain it is, he enjoyed the unlimited confidence 
 and friendship of William the Testy; who would 
 sit for hours, and listen with wonder to his gun- 
 powder narratives of surprising victories — he 
 had never gained; andidreadfui battles — from 
 which he had run away. 
 
 It was tropically observed by honest old So- 
 crates, that heaven had infused into some men 
 at their birth a portion of intellectual gold ; into 
 others of intellectual silver ; while others were 
 bounteously furnished out with abundance of 
 brass and iron — now of this last class was un- 
 doubtedly the great General Von Poflfenburgh, 
 and from the display he continually made there- 
 of, I am inclined to think that dame Nature, who 
 will sometimes be partial, had blessed'him with 
 enough of those valuable materials to have fitted 
 up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is most 
 to be admired is, that he contrived to pass off all 
 his brass and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who 
 was no great judge of base coin, as pure and 
 genuine gold. The consequence was, that upon 
 the resignation of Jacobus Van Curlet. who, af- 
 
HIS FERSON. 67 
 
 ter the loss of Fort Good Hope, retired like a 
 veteran general, to live under the shade of his 
 laurels, the mighty " copper captain" was pro- 
 moted to his station. This he filled with great 
 importance, always styling himself "commander 
 in chief of the armies of the New-Netherlands;" 
 though, to tell the truth, the armies, or rather 
 army, consisted of a handful of hen steahng, 
 bottle bruising ragamuffins. 
 
 Such was the character of the warrior appoint- 
 ed by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern 
 frontier, nor may it be uninteresting to my read- 
 er to have a glimpse of his person. He was not 
 very tall, but notwithstanding, a huge, full bo- 
 died man, whose bulk did not so much arise from 
 his being fat, as windy; being so completely in- 
 flated with his own importance, that he resem- 
 bled one of those bags of wind which ^olus, in 
 an incredible fit of generosity, gave to that wan- 
 dering warrior Ulysses. 
 
 His dress comported with his character, for he 
 had almost as much brass and copper without, 
 as nature had stored away within — His coat was 
 crossed and slashed, and carbonadoed with stripes 
 of copper lace, and swathed round the body with 
 a crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fish- 
 ing net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart from 
 bursting through his ribs. His head and whiskers 
 were profusely powdered, from the Biidst of 
 
68 HIS DRESS. 
 
 which his full blooded face glowed like a fiery 
 furnace ; and his magnanimous soul seemed ready 
 to bounce out at a pair of large glassy blinking 
 eyes, which projected like those of a lobster. 
 
 I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie 
 not this warrior, I would give all the money in 
 my pocket to have seen him accoutred cap-a 
 pie, in martial array — booted to the middle — 
 sashed to the chin — collared to the ears — whis- 
 kered to the teeth — crowned with an oversha- 
 dowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern 
 belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a fal- 
 chion, of a length that 1 dare not mention-. Thus 
 equipped, he strutted about, as bitter looking a 
 man of war as the far-famed More of More Hall, 
 when he saUied forth, armed at all points, to 
 slay the. Dragon of Wantley.* 
 
 Notwithstanding all the great endowments and 
 transcendant quahties' of this renowned gereral, 
 I must confess he was not exactly the kind of 
 
 * " Had you but seen him in this dress 
 
 How fierce he look'd and how big ; 
 You would have thought him for to be 
 
 Some Egyptian Porcupig. 
 
 He frighted all, cats, dogs, and all, 
 Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 
 
 For fear they did flee, fur they took him to be 
 Some strange outlandish hedge hog." 
 
 Ballad of Drag, of Want. 
 
MILITARY MEN SCARCE. 6d 
 
 man that the gallant Peter would have chosen 
 to command his troops — but the truth is, that 
 in those days the province did not abound, as at 
 present, in great military characters ; who, like 
 so many Cincinnatuses, people every little vil- 
 lage — marshalling out cabbages instead of sol- 
 diers, and signalizing themselves in the corn 
 field, instead of the field of battle. Who have 
 surrendered the toils of war, for the more use- 
 ful but inglorious arts of peace ; and so blended 
 the laurel with the olive, that you may have a 
 general for a landlord, a colonel for a stage 
 driver, and your horse shod by a valiant " cap- 
 tain of volunteers." The redoubtable General 
 Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was appointed to 
 the command of the new levied troops, chiefly 
 because there were no competitors for the sta- 
 tion, and partly because it would have been a 
 breach of military etiquette, to have appointed a 
 younger oflicer over his head — an injustice, 
 which the great Peter would have rather died 
 than have committed. 
 
 No sooner did this thrice valiant copper cap- 
 tain receive marching orders, than he conduct- 
 ed his army undauntedly to the southern fron- 
 tier ; through wild lands and savage deserts ; 
 over insurmountable mountains, across impassa- 
 ble floods, and through impenetrable forests ; sub- 
 duing a vast tract of uninhabited country, and 
 
 VOL. ir. 7 
 
70 ERECTION OF FORT CASIMIR. 
 
 encountering more perils, according to his own 
 account, than did ever the great Xenophon in 
 his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Gre- 
 cians. All this accomphshed, he established oa 
 the South (or Delaware) river, a redoubtable 
 redoubt, named Fort Casimir, in honour of 
 a favourite pair of brimstone coloured trunk 
 breeches of the governor. As this fort will be 
 found to give rise to very important and inter- 
 esting events, it may be worth while to notice 
 that it was afterwards called Nieuw-Amstel, and 
 was the original germ of the present flourishing 
 town of New-Castle, an appellation erroneously- 
 substituted for J^o Castle, there neither being, 
 nor ever having been a castle, or any thing of 
 the kind upon the premises. 
 
 The Swedes did not suifer tamely this mena- 
 cing movement of the Nederlanders ; on the con- 
 trary, Jan Printz, at that time governor of JSew- 
 Sweden, issued a protest against what he term- 
 ed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. But 
 Von Pofienburgh had become too well versed in 
 the nature of proclamations and protests, while 
 he served under William the Testy, to be in any 
 wise daunted by such paper warfare. His fortress 
 being fmished, it would have done any man's 
 heart good to behold into what a magnitude he 
 immediately swelled. He would stride in and 
 out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front 
 
POMPOSITY OF VON I'OFFENlJURGH. 71 
 
 and 1n rear ; on this side and on that.' — ^Theii 
 would he dress himself in full regimentals, and 
 strut backwards and forwards, for hours toge- 
 ther on the top of his little rampart — like a vain- 
 glorious cock pigeon vapouring on the top of 
 his coop. In a word, unless my readers have no- 
 ticed, with curious eye, the pett}^ commander 
 of one of our little, snivelhng, military posts, 
 swelling with all the vanity of new re'gimentals, 
 and the pomposity derived from commanding a 
 handful of tatterdamalions, I despair of giving 
 them any adequate id«a of the prodigious dignity 
 of General Von Poffenburgh. 
 
 It is recorded in the delectable romance of 
 Pierce Forest, that a young knight being dubbed 
 by king Alexander, did incontinently gallop in- 
 to an adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees 
 with such might and main, that the whole court 
 was convinced that he was the most potent and 
 courageous gentleman on the face of the earth. 
 In like manner the great Von Poffenburgh would 
 ease off that valorous spleen, w^hich hke wind 
 is so apt to gtow unruly in the stomachs of new 
 made soldiers, impelling them to box-lobby 
 brawls, and broken-headed quarrels. — For at 
 such times, when he found his martial spirit wax- 
 ing hot within him, he would p'rudently sally 
 forth into the fields, and lugging out his trusty 
 sabre, would lay about him most lustily, decapi- 
 
72 HIS EXPLOITS AND TACTIC^* 
 
 tating cabbages by platoons ; hewing down whole 
 phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigan- 
 tic Swedes ; and if, peradventiire, he espied a 
 colony of honest big bellied pumpkins quietly 
 basking themselves in the sun, " ah, caitiff Yan- 
 kees," would he roar, 'ihave I caught ye at 
 last !" — so saying, with one sweep of his sword, 
 he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from 
 their chins to their waistbands : by Avhich warlike 
 havoc, his choler being in some sort allayed, he 
 would return to his garrison with a full con- 
 viction that he was a ve|;y miracle of military 
 prowess. 
 
 The next ambition of General Von PofTenburgh 
 was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well 
 knowing that discipline is the soul of all military 
 enterprize, he enforced it with the most rigorous 
 precision ; obhging every man to turn out his 
 toes, and hold up his head on parade, and pre- 
 scribing the breadth of their ruffles to all such as 
 had any shirts to their backs. 
 
 Having one day, in the course of his devout 
 researches in the Bible, (for the pious Eneas him- 
 self could not exceed him in outward religion,) 
 encountered the history of Absalom and his me- 
 lancholy end, the general, in an evil hour, issued 
 orders for cropping the hair of both officers and 
 men throughout the garrison. Now it came to 
 pass, that among his officers was one Kildermees- 
 
kildermeester's long tail. 73 
 
 ter ; a sturdy veteran, who had cherished through 
 the course of a long hfe, a rugged mop of hair^ 
 not a httle resembhng the shag of a Newfound- 
 land dog, terminating with an immoderate queue 
 like the handle of a frying pan ; and queued so 
 tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth ge- 
 nerally stood ajar, and his eye-brows were drawn 
 up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally 
 be supposed that the possessor of so goodly an 
 appendage would resist with abhorrence an order 
 condemning it to the shears. On hearing the 
 general orders, he discharged a tempest of vete- 
 ran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums — 
 swore he would break any man's head who at- 
 tempted to meddle with his tail — .queued it stiff- 
 er than ever, and whisked it about the garrison 
 as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. 
 
 The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester be- 
 came instantly an aiOfair of the utmost importance. 
 The commander in chief was too enlightened 
 an officer not to perceive that the discipline of 
 the garrison, the subordination and good order 
 of the armies of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, the 
 consequent safety of the whole province, and 
 ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their 
 High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, but 
 above all, the dignity of the great General Von 
 PofFenburgh, all imperiously demanded the dock- 
 ing of that stubborn queue. He therefore deter- 
 7* 
 
74 ORDERED TO BE DOCKED. 
 
 mined that old Kildermeester should be publicly 
 shorn of his glories in presence of the whole gar- 
 rison — the old man as resolutely stood on the 
 defensive — whereupon the general, as became a 
 great man, was highly exasperated, and the of- 
 fender was arrested and tried by a court martial 
 for mutiny, desertion, and all the other list of 
 offences noticed in the articles of war, ending 
 with a " videlecit, in wearing an eel-skin queue, 
 three feet long, contrary to orders" — Then came 
 on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings, and 
 the whole country was in a ferment about this 
 unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the 
 commander of a distant frontier post has the 
 power of acting pretty much after his own will, 
 there is little doubt but that the veteran would 
 have been hanged or shot at least, had he not 
 luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere cha- 
 grin and mortification — and most flagitiously 
 deserted from all earthly command, with his be- 
 loved locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained 
 unshaken to the very last moment, when he di- 
 rected that he should be carried to his grave 
 with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a hole in 
 his coffin. 
 
 This magnanimous affair obtained the general 
 great credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but 
 it is hinted that he was ever after subject to bad 
 
NIGHTLY VISITATIONS TO THE GOVERNOR. 75 
 
 dreams and fearful visitations in the night — 
 when the grizly spectrum of old Kildermeester 
 would stand sentinel by his bed side, erect as a 
 pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the 
 hai^le. 
 
BOOK^^ 
 
 CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF 
 
 PETER THE HEADSTONG AND HIS GALLANT 
 
 ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the 
 great Peter-^and how General Von Poffen- 
 burgh distinguished himself at Port Casimir, 
 
 Hitherto, most venerable and courteous 
 reader, have I shown thee the adminstration of 
 the valorous Stuyvesant, under the mild moon- 
 shine of peace, or rather the grim tranquillity 
 of awful expectation ; but now the war drum 
 rumbles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its 
 thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms 
 speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles. 
 The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, 
 from golden visions, and voluptuous ease ; where, 
 in the dulcet, "piping time of peace," he sought 
 
A PREUX CHEVALIER. 77 
 
 sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beau- 
 ty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands 
 for his lady's brows ; no more entwines with flow- 
 ers his shining sword, nor through the live-long 
 lazy summer's day chants forth his lovesick soul 
 in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns 
 the amorous flute; doffs from his brawny back 
 the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered 
 limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow, 
 where late the myrtle waved, where wanton 
 roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beam- 
 ing casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright 
 shield and shakes the ponderous lance; or mounts 
 with eager pride his fiery steed, and burns for 
 deeds of glorious chivalry ! 
 
 But soft, worthy reader ! I would not hav*e you 
 imagine, that any preux chevalier^ thus hideously 
 begirt with iron, existed in the city of New- 
 Amsterdam. This is but a lofty and gigantic 
 mode in which heroic writers always talk of war, 
 thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspect; 
 equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and 
 lances, and such like outlandish and obsolete 
 weapons, the like of which perchance they had 
 never seen or heard of; in the same manner 
 that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general 
 or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Caesar or 
 an Alexander. The simple truth, then, of all this 
 oratorical flourish is this — that the vaUant Peter 
 
78 PETER GOES FORTH TO BATTLE. 
 
 Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary 
 to scour his trusty blade, which too long had 
 rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to 
 undergo those hardy toils of war, in which his 
 mighty soul so much delighted. 
 
 Methinks I at this moment behold him in my 
 imagination — or rather, I behold his goodly por- 
 trait, which still hangs up in the family mansion 
 of the Stuyvesants — arrayed in all the terrors of 
 a true Dutch general. His regimental coat of 
 German blue, gorgeously decorated with a good- 
 ly show of large brass buttons, reaching from 
 his waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts 
 turned up at the corners, and separating gal- 
 lantly behind, so as to display the seat of a 
 sumptuous pair of brimstone coloured trunk 
 bre ,ches — a graceful style still prevalent among 
 the warriors of our day, and which is in confor- 
 mity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorn- 
 ed to defend themselves in rear. — His face ren- 
 dered exceedingly terrible and warlike by a pair 
 of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on 
 each side in stiffly pomatumed ear locks, and 
 descending in a rat tail queue below his waist ; 
 a shining stock of black leather supporting his 
 chin, and a Htlle but fierce cocked hat stuck 
 with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. 
 Such was the chivalric port of Peter the Head- 
 strong ; and when be made a sudden halt, plant- 
 
HIS CHIVALRIC PORT. 79 
 
 ed himself firmly on his solid supporter, with 
 his wooden leg inlaid with silver, a little in ad- 
 vance, in order to strengthen his position, his 
 right hand grasping a gold headed cane, his left 
 resting upon the pummel of his sword ; his head 
 dressing spiritlj to the right, with a most ap- 
 palHng and hard favoured frown upon his brow — 
 he presented altogether one of the most com- 
 manding, bitter-looking, and soldierlike figures 
 that ever strutted upon canvass. Proceed we 
 now to inquire the cause of this warlike prepa- 
 ration. 
 
 The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on 
 the South, or Delaware river, has been duly re- 
 corded in the chronicles of the reign of William 
 the Testy. These encroachments having been 
 endured with that heroic magnanimity, which is 
 the corner stone of true courage, had been re- 
 peated and wickedly aggravated. 
 
 The Swedes, who were of that class of cun- 
 ning pretenders to Christianity, who read the 
 Bible upside down, whenever it interferes with 
 tl^ir interests, inverted the golden maxim, and 
 when their neighbour suffered them to smite him 
 on the one cheek, they generally smote him on 
 the other also, whether turned to them or not. 
 Their repeated aggressions had been among the 
 numerous sources of vexation, that conspired to 
 keep the irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft 
 
80 AGGRESSIONS or THE SWEDES. 
 
 in a constant ferer, and it was only owing to the 
 unfortunate circumstance, that he had always a 
 hundred things to do at once, that he did not take 
 such unrelenting vengeance as their offences 
 merited. But they had now a chieftain of a dif- 
 ferent character to deal with ; and they were 
 soon guilty of a piece of treachery, that threw 
 his honest blood in a ferment, and precluded all 
 further sufferance. 
 
 Printz, the governor of the province of New- 
 Sweden, being either deceased or removed, for 
 of this fact some uncertainty exists, was suc- 
 ceeded by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and 
 wh®, had he not been rather knock-kneed and 
 splay-footed, might have served for the model 
 of a Samson, or a Hercules. He was no less 
 rapacious than mighty, and withal as crafty as 
 he was rapacious ; so that, in fact, there is very 
 little doubt, had he lived some four or five cen- 
 turies before, he would have been one of those 
 wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure 
 in pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding 
 about the world, and locking them up in erm 
 chanted castles, without a toilet, a change of 
 linen, or any other convenience. — In conse- 
 quence of whic"h enormities, they fell under the 
 high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, 
 and gallant knights were instructed to attack 
 and slav outright any miscreant they might hap- 
 
RISINGH, THE SWEDISH GOVERNOR. 81 
 
 pen to find, above six feet high ; which is doubt- 
 less one reason that the race of large men is 
 nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages 
 so exceeding small. 
 
 No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon 
 his office, than he immediately cast his eyes 
 upon the important post of Fort Casimir, and 
 formed the righteous resolution of taking it into 
 his possession. The only thing that reiKained to 
 consider, was the mode of carrying his resolu- 
 tion into effect ; and here I must do him the 
 justice to say, that he exhibited a humanity 
 rarely to be met with among leaders, and which 
 I have never seen equalled in modern times, ex- 
 cepting among the English, in their glorious 
 affair at Copenhagen. Willing to spare the effu- 
 sion of blood, and the miseries of open warfare, 
 he benevolently shunned every thing like avow- 
 ed hostility or regular siege, and resorted to the 
 less glorious, but more merciful expedient of 
 treachery. 
 
 Under pretence, therefore, of paying a neigh- 
 bourly visit to General Von Poffenburgh, at his 
 new post of Fort Casimir, he made requisite 
 preparation, sailed in great state up the Dela- 
 ware, displayed his flag with the most ceremo- 
 nious punctilio, and honoured the fortress with 
 a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. The 
 uuusua noise awakened a veteran Dutch sen- 
 
 VOL. II. 8 
 
82 HIS TREACHEROUS CONDUCT. 
 
 tinel, who was napping faithfully at his post, 
 and who having suffered his match to go out, 
 contrived to return the compliment, hy dischar- 
 ging his rusty musket with the spark of a pipe, 
 which he borrowed from one of his comrades. 
 The salute indeed would have been answered 
 by the guns of the fort, had they not unfortu- 
 nately been out of order, and the magazine de- 
 ficient in ammunition — accidents to which forts 
 have in all ages been liable, and which were the 
 more excusable in the present instance, as Fort 
 Casimir had only been erected about two years, 
 and General Von PoUenburgh, its mighty com- 
 mander, had been fully occupied with matters of 
 much greater importance. 
 
 Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous 
 reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second, 
 for he well knew its commander was marvel- 
 lously delighted with these little ceremonials, 
 which he considered as so many acts of homage 
 paid unto his greatness. He then landed in great 
 state, attended by a suite of thirty men — a pro- 
 digious and vain glorious retinue, for a petty 
 governor of a petty settlement, in those days 
 of primitive simplicity ; and to the full as great 
 an army as generally swells the pomp and march- 
 es in the rear of our frontier commanders at the 
 present day. 
 
 The number in fact might have awakened 
 
VON POFFENBURGH'S EMBARRASSMENT. 83 
 
 suspicion, had not the mind of the great Von 
 Poflenburgh been so completely engrossed with 
 an all pervading idea of himself, that he had not 
 room to admit a thought besides. In fact, he 
 considered the concourse of Risingh's followers 
 as a compliment to himself — so apt are great 
 men to stand between themselves and the sun, 
 and completely eclipse the truth by their own 
 shadow. 
 
 It may readily be imagined how much General 
 Von PofFenburgh was flattered by a visit from 
 so august a personage ; his only embarrassment 
 was, how he should receive him in such a man- 
 ner as to appear to the greatest advantage, and 
 make the most advantageous impression. The 
 main guard was ordeJIfcd immediately to turn 
 out, and the arms and regimentals (of which the 
 garrison possessed full half a dozen suits) were 
 equally distributed among the soldiers. One tall 
 lank fellow appeared in a coat intended for a 
 small man, the skirts of which reached a little 
 below his waist, the buttons were between his 
 shoulders, and the sleeves half way to his wrists, 
 so that his hands looked like a couple of huge 
 spades — and the coat not being large enough 
 to meet in front, was linked together by loops, 
 made of a pair of red worsted garters. Another 
 had an old cocked hat stuck on the back of his 
 head, and decorated with a bunch of cocks' tails 
 
^4 GARRISON OF FORT CASIMIR. 
 
 — a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging 
 about his heels — while a fourth, who was short 
 and duck-legged, was equipped in a huge pair of 
 {he general's cast off breeches, which he held up 
 with one hand, while he grasped his firelock 
 with the other. The rest wqi^ accoutred in 
 similar style, excepting three graceless ragamuf- 
 fms, who had no shirts, and but a pair and a half 
 of breeches between them, w^herefore they were 
 sent to the black hole, to keep them out of view. 
 There is nothing in which the talents of a pru- 
 dent commander are more completely testified, 
 than in thus setting matters oif to the greatest 
 advantage ; and it is for this reason that our 
 frontier posts at the present day (that of Nia- 
 gara for example) displ% their best suit of re- 
 gimentals on the back of the sentinel who stands 
 in sioht of travellers. 
 
 o 
 
 His men being thus gallantly arrayed — those 
 who lacked muskets shouldering spades and pick- 
 axes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his 
 shirt-tail and pull up his brogues. General Von 
 Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foam- 
 ing ale, which hke the magnanimous More of 
 MorehalP was his invariable practice on all great 
 
 * " as soon as he rose, 
 
 To make him strong and miu'iity, 
 lie drank by the tale, six pols of ale. 
 And a quart of aqua vitae." 
 
MEETING OF THE TWO HEROES. 85 
 
 occasions — which done he put himself at their 
 head, ordered the pine planks, which served as a 
 draw-bridge, to be laid down, and issued forth 
 from his castle, like a mighty giant, just refresh- 
 ed with wine. But when the two heroes met, 
 then began a scene of warlike parade and chival- 
 ric courtesy, that beggars all description. — Ri- 
 singh, who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, 
 cunning politician, and had grown gray much be- 
 fore his time, in consequence of his craftiness, 
 saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great 
 Von Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all his 
 valorous fantasies. 
 
 Their detachments were accordingly drawn 
 up in front of each other ; they carried arms, and 
 they presented arms ; they gave the standing sa- 
 lute and the passing salute — They rolled their 
 drums, and flourished their fifes, and they waved 
 their colours — they faced to the left, and they 
 faced to the right, and they faced to the right 
 about — They wheeled forward, and they wheel- 
 ed backward, and they wheeled into echellon — 
 They marched and they countermarched, by 
 grand divisions, by single divisions, and l?y sub- 
 divisions — by platoons, by sections, and by files 
 — in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at 
 all ; for. having gone through all the evolutions 
 of two great armies, including the eighteen ma- 
 noeuvres of Dundas, having exhausted all that 
 8* 
 
86 SURVEY OF THE FORTIFICATIONS. 
 
 they co'old recollect or imagine of military tac- 
 tics, including sundry strange and irregular evo- 
 lutions, the like of which were never seen before 
 or since, excepting among certain of our newly 
 raised militia, the two great commanders and 
 their respective troops came at length to a dead 
 halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war — 
 Never did two valiant train-band captains, or two 
 buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned trage- 
 dies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroi- 
 cal and fighting tragedy, marshal their gallows- 
 looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmidons 
 with more glory and self-admiration. 
 
 These military compliments being finished, 
 General Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious 
 visiter, with great ceremony, into the fort ; at- 
 tended him throughout the fortifications ; showed 
 him the horn-works, crown-works, half-moons, 
 and various other outworks ; or rather the places 
 where they ought to be erected ; and where they 
 might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demon- 
 strating that it was a place of " great capabili- 
 ty," and though at present but a little redoubt, 
 yet tha| it evidently was a formidable fortrei?s, in 
 embryo. This survey over, he next had the whole 
 garrison put under arms, exercised and review- 
 ed, and concluded by ordering the three Bride- 
 well birds to be hauled out of the black hole, 
 brought up to the halberts, and soundly flogged, 
 
78 
 
 for the amusement of his visiter, and to convince 
 him that he was a great disciphnarian. 
 
 The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to 
 be struck dumb outright, with the puissance oC 
 the great Von Polfenburgh, took silent note of 
 the incompetency of his garrison, of which he 
 gave a hint to his trusty followers, who tipped 
 each other the wink, and laughed most obstrepe- 
 rously — in their sleeves. 
 
 The inspection, review, and flogging being 
 concluded, the party adjourned to the table ; for 
 among his other great qualities, the general was 
 remarkably addicted to huge entertainments, or 
 rather carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign 
 would leave more dead men on the field, than he' 
 ever did in the whole course of his military ca- 
 reer. Many bulletins of these blgodless victories 
 do still remain on record ; and the whole pro- 
 vince was once thrown in amaze by the return 
 of one of his campaigns; wherein it was stated, 
 that though, like Captain Bobadil, he had only 
 twenty men to back him, yet in the short space 
 of six months he had conquered and utterly an- 
 nihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred 
 sheep, ten thousand cabbages, one thousand bush- 
 els of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins 
 of small beer, two thousand seven hundred and 
 thirty-five pipes, sevent} -eight pounds of sugar 
 plumbs, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry 
 
88 VON POrrENBURGH'S BANQUET. 
 
 small meats, game, poultry, and garden stuff: — 
 An achievement unparalleled since the days of 
 Pantagruel and his all-devouring army, and 
 , which showed that it was only necessary to let 
 belH-potent Von Poffenburgh and his garrison 
 loose in an enemy's country, and in a httle 
 while they would breed a famine, and starve all 
 the inhabitants. 
 
 No sooner, therefore, had the general received 
 the first intimation of the visit of Governor Ri- 
 singh, than he ordered a great dinner to be pre- 
 pared; and privately sent out a detachment of 
 his most experienced veterans, to rob all the 
 hen-roosts in the neighbourhood, and lay the 
 pig-sties under contribution; a service to which 
 they had been long inured, and which they dis- 
 charged with such incredible zeal and prompti- 
 tude, that the garrison table groaned under the 
 weight of their spoils. 
 
 1 wish, with all my heart, my readers could 
 see the valiant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided 
 at the head of the banquet ; it was a sight worth 
 beholding : — there he sat, in his greatest glory, 
 surrounded by his soldiers, like that famous wine- 
 bibber, Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did 
 most ably imitate — telling astounding stories of 
 his hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits, 
 at which, though all his auditors knew them to be 
 most incontinent and outrageous gasconadoes, 
 yet did they cast up their eyes in admiration. 
 
KAPTURE OF FORT CASIMIR. 89 
 
 and utter many interjections of astonishment. 
 Nor could the general pronounce any thing that 
 bore the remotest semblance to a joke, but the 
 stout Rinsingh would strike his brawny fist upon 
 the table till every glass rattled again, throwing 
 himself back in the chair, and uttered gigantic 
 peals of laughter, swearing most horribly it was 
 the best joke he ever heard in his life. — Thus 
 all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal 
 within Fort Casimir, and so lustily did Von Pof- 
 fenburgh ply the bottle, than in less than four 
 short hours he made himself, and his whole gar- 
 rison, who all seduously emulated the deeds of 
 their chieftain, dead drunk, and singing songs, 
 quaffing bumpers, and drinking patrio*tic toasts, 
 none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedi- 
 gree or a plea in chancery. 
 
 No sooner did things come to this pass, than 
 the crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cun- 
 ningly kept themselves sober, rose on their en- 
 tertainers, tied them neck and heels, and took 
 formal possession of the fort, and all its depen- 
 dencies, in the name of Queen Christina of 
 Sweden : administering at the same time an oath 
 of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who could 
 be made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh 
 then put the fortifications in order, appointed 
 his discreet and vigilant friend, Suen Scutz, a 
 tall, wind-dried, water-drinkaig Swede, to the 
 
so TRANSPORTATION OF THE GARRISON. 
 
 command, and departed, bearing with him this 
 truly amiable garrison, and their puissant com- 
 mander ; who when brought to himself by a 
 sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance to a 
 "deboshedfish," or bloated sea-monster, caught 
 upon dry land. 
 
 The transportation of the garrison was done 
 to prevent the transmission of intelligence to 
 New-Amsterdam; for as much as the cunning 
 Risingh exulted in his stratagem, he dreaded 
 the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuy vesant ; 
 whose name spread as much terror in the neigh- 
 bourhood as did whilom that of the unconquer- 
 able Scanderbeg among his scurvy enemies the 
 Turks. 
 
FEMININE ClUALITIES OF FAME. 91 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 Showing how profound secrets are often brought 
 to light ; with the proceedings of Peter the 
 Headstrong when he heard of the misfortunes 
 of General Von Poffenburgh. 
 
 Whoever first described common fame, or 
 rumour, as belonging to the sager sex, was a ve- 
 ry owl for shrewdness. She has, in truth, cer- 
 tain feminine quahties to an astonishing degree; 
 particularly that benevolent anxiety to take 
 care of the affairs of others, which keeps her con- 
 tinually hunting after secrets, and gadding about 
 proclaiming them. Whatever is done openly and 
 in the face of the world, she takes but transient 
 notice of, but whenever a transaction is done in 
 a corner, and attempted to be shrouded in mys- 
 tery, then her goddess-ship is at her wit's end to 
 find it out, and takes a most mischievous and 
 lady-like pleasure in publishing it to the world. 
 
 It is this truly feminine propensity that indu- 
 ces her continually to be prying into cabinets 
 of princes, listening at the key holes of senate 
 chambers, and peering through chinks and cran- 
 
92 HISTORY OF DIRK SCHUILER. 
 
 nies, when our worthy Congress are sitting with 
 closed doors, dehberating between a dozen ex- 
 cellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this 
 which makes her so obnoxious to all wary states- 
 men and intriguing commanders^ — such a stum- 
 bling block to private negotiations and secret 
 expeditions ; which she often betrays, by means 
 and instruments which never would have been 
 thought of by any but a female head. 
 
 Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort 
 Casimir. No doubt the cunning Risingh imagin- 
 ed, that by securing the garrison he should for 
 a long time prevent the history of its fate from 
 reaching the ears of the gallant Stuyvesant ; but 
 his exploit was blown to the world when he least 
 expected it, and by one of the last beings he 
 would ever have suspected of enlisting as trum.- 
 peter to the wide-mouthed deity. 
 
 This was one Dirk Schuiler, (or Skulker,) a kind 
 of hanger-on to the garrison ; who seemed to be- 
 long to nobody, and in a manner to be self out- 
 lawed. He was one of those vagabond cosmopo- 
 lites, who shark about the world as if they had 
 no right or business in it, and vAio infest the skirts 
 of society like poachers and interlopers. Every 
 garrison and country village has one or more 
 scape goats of this kind, whose life is a kind of 
 enigma, whose existence is wittiout motive, who 
 comes from the Lord knows where, who lives Ih*^^ 
 
HIS PERSON DESCRIBED. 93 
 
 Lord knows how, and seems to be made for no 
 other earthly purpose but to keep up the ancient 
 and honourable order of idleness. — This vagrant 
 philosopher was supposed to have some Indian 
 blood in his veins, which was manifested by a 
 certain Indian complexion and cast of counte- 
 nance ; but more especially by his propensities 
 and habits. He was a tall, lank fellow, swift of 
 foot and long-winded. He was generally equip- 
 ped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and 
 moccasons. His hair hung in straight gallows 
 locks, about his ears, and added not a little to his 
 sharking demeanour. It is an old remark, that 
 persons of Indian mixture are half civilized, half 
 savage, and half devil, a third half being express- 
 ly provided for their particular convenience. It 
 is for similar reasons, and probably with equal 
 truth, that the back-wood-men of Kentucky are 
 styled half man, half horse, and half alligator, by 
 the settlers on the Mississippi, and held accord- 
 ingly in great respect and abhorrence. 
 
 The above character may have presented 
 itself to the garrison as applicable to Dirk 
 Schuiler, >yhom they familiarly dubbed Gallows 
 Dirk. Certain it is, he acknowledged allegiance 
 to no one — was an utter enemy to work, holding 
 it in no manner of estimation — but lounged 
 about the fort, depending upon chance for a sub- 
 sistence, getting drunk whenever he could get 
 
 VOL. II. 9 
 
94 FAMILIARLY TERMED GALLOWS X)IRK. 
 
 liquor, and stealing whatever he could lay his 
 hands on. Every day or two he was sure to get 
 a sound rib-roasting for some of his misdemean- 
 ours, which, however, as it broke no bones, he 
 made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat 
 the offence, whenever another opportunity pre- 
 sented. Sometimes in consequence of some fla- 
 grant villany, he would abscond from the garri- 
 son, and be absent for a month at a time ; skulk- 
 ing about the woods and swamps, with a long 
 fowling piece on his shoulder, laying in ambush 
 for game — or squatting himself down on the 
 edge of a pond catching fish for hours together, 
 and bearing no little resemblance to that notable 
 bird ycleped the Mud-poke. When he thought 
 his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he 
 would sneak back to the fort with a bundle of 
 skins, or a bunch of poultry, which perchance 
 he had stolen, and would exchange them for 
 liquor, with which, having well soaked his car- 
 cass, he would lay in the sun and enjoy a!l the 
 luxurious indolence of that swinish philosopher 
 Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm- 
 yards in the country, into which he made fear- 
 ful inroads ; and sometimes he would make his 
 sudden appearance at the garrison at day break, 
 with the whole neighbourhood at his heels, hke 
 a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his ma- 
 raudin2;s and hunted to his hole. Such was this 
 
HIS MANNER OF LIFE. 95 
 
 Dirk Schiiiler; and from the total indilTerence 
 he showed to the world or its concerns, and 
 from his truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, 
 no one would ever have dreamt that he would 
 have heen the publisher of the tieachery of 
 Risingh. 
 
 When the carousril was going on, vrhich proved 
 so fatal to the brave Von Poflx^nbiirgh and his 
 w^atchful garrison, Dirk skulked about fromroom 
 to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or 
 useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But 
 though a fellow of few wor4s, yet like your ta- 
 citurn people, his eyes and ears were alvv^ays 
 open, and in the course of his prowhngs he over- 
 heard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk im- 
 mediately settled in his own mind how he should 
 turn the matter to his own advantage. He play- 
 ed the perfect jack-of-both-sides — that is to say, 
 he made a prize of every thing that cam 3 in his 
 reach, robbed both parties, stuck the copper 
 bound cocked hat of the puissant Von PolFcn- 
 burgh on his head, whipped a huge pair of Ri- 
 singh's jack boots under his arms, and took to his 
 heels, just before the catastrophe and confusion 
 at the garrison. 
 
 Finding himself comjiletely dislodged from 
 his haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight 
 towards his native place. New- Amsterdam, from 
 whence he had formerly been ol)lip;ed to abscond 
 
96 HIS FLIGHT TO NEW-AMSTERDAM. 
 
 precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in 
 business — that is to say> having been detected 
 in the act of sheep steaHng. After wandering 
 many days in the woods, toihng through swamps, 
 fording brooks, swimming various rivers, and 
 encountering a world of hardships, that would 
 have killed any other being but an Indian, a 
 back-wood-man, or the devil, he at length arri- 
 ved, half famished, and^ank as a starved weazel, 
 at Communipaw, where he stole a canoe and 
 paddled over to New- Amsterdam. Immediately 
 on landing, he repai^pd to Governor Stuyvesant, 
 and in more words than he had ever spoken be- 
 fore in the whole course of his life, gave an ac- 
 count of the disastrous affair. 
 
 On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant 
 Peter started from his seat — dashed the pipe 
 he was smoking against the back of the chimney 
 — thrust a prodigious quid of tobacco into his 
 left cheek — pulled up his galligaskins and strode 
 up and down the room, humming, as was cus- 
 tomary with him when in a passion, a hideous 
 north-west ditty. But, as 1 have before shown, he 
 was not a man to vent his spleen in idle vapour- 
 ing. His first measure after the paroxysm of 
 v/rath had subsided, was to stump up stairs, to 
 a huge wooden chest, which served as his ar- 
 moury, from whence he drew forth that identical 
 suit of regimentals described in the preceding 
 
PETER PREPAI^ FOR ACTION. 1)/ 
 
 chapter. In these portentous habiUments he ar- 
 rayed himself, hke Achilles, in the armour of 
 Vulcan, maintaining all the while a most appal- 
 ling silence, knitting his brows, and drawing his 
 breath through his clenched teeth. Being hastily 
 equipped, he strode down into the parlour, jerk- 
 ed down his trusty sword, from over the fire- 
 place, where it was usually suspended ; but be- 
 fore he girded it on his thigh he drew it from its 
 scabbard, and as his eye coursed along the rusty 
 blade, a grim smile stole over his iron visage — 
 It was the first smile that had^'isited his counte- 
 nance for five long weeks ; but every one who 
 beheld it, prophesied that there would soon be 
 warm work in the province ! 
 
 Thus armed at all points, with gri^y war 
 depicted in each feature, his very cocked hat 
 assuming an air of uncommon defiance, he in- 
 stantly put himself upon the alert, and despatch- 
 ed Antony Van Corlear hither and thither, this 
 way and that way, through all the muddy streets 
 and crooked lanes of the city, summoning by ' 
 sound of trumpet his trusty peers to assemble 
 ^in instant council. — This done, by Vay of ex- 
 pediting matters, according to the custom of 
 people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle, 
 shifting from chair to chair, popping his head 
 out of every window, and stumping up and 
 down stairs with his wooden leg in such brisk 
 9* 
 
^8 HE SUMMON^ COUNCIL. 
 
 and incessant motion, that, as we are informecl 
 by an authentic historian of the times, the con- 
 tinual clatter bore no small resemblance to the 
 music of a cooper hooping a flour barrel. 
 
 A summons so peremptory, and from a man 
 of the governor's mettle, was not to be trifled 
 with ; the sages forthwith repaired to the council 
 chamber, seated themselves with the utmost 
 tranquillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed 
 with unruffled composure on his excellency and 
 his regimentals ; being, as all counsellors should 
 be, not easily flustered, or taken by surprise. 
 The governor, looking around for a moment 
 with a lofty and soldierlike air, and resting one 
 hand on the pummel of his sword, and flinging 
 the other forth, in a free and spirited manner, 
 addressed them in a short, but soul stirring ha- 
 rangue. 
 
 I am extremely sorry that I have not the ad- 
 vantages of Livy, Thucydides, Plutarch, and 
 others of my predecessors, who were furnished, 
 as I am told, with the speeches of all their great 
 emperors, generals, and orators, taken down in 
 short hand,%y the most accurate stenographer&| 
 of the time ; whereby they were enabled wonder- 
 fully to enrich their histories, and delight their 
 readers with sublime strains of eloquence. Not 
 having such important auxiliaries, I cannot pos- 
 sibly pronounce what was the tenor of Governor 
 
SPEECHES OF ANCIENT HEROES. 99 
 
 Stuy vesant's speech. I am bold, however, to say, 
 from the tenor of his character, that he did not 
 wrap his rugged subject in silks and ermines, 
 and other sickly trickeries of phrase ; but spoke 
 forth, like a man of nerve and vigour, who 
 scorned to shrink in words, from those dangers 
 which be stood ready to encounter in very deed. 
 This much is certain, that he concluded by an- 
 nouncing his determination of leading on his 
 troops in person, and routing these costard- 
 monger .Swedes from their usurped quarters at 
 Fort Casimir. To this hardy resolution, such of 
 his council as were awake gave their usual signal 
 of concurrence, and as to the rest, who had fal- 
 len asleep about the middle of the harangue, 
 (their " usual custom in the afternoon") — they 
 made not the least objection. 
 
 And now was seen in the fair city of New- 
 Amsterdam, a prodigious bustle and preparation 
 for iron war. Recruiting parties marched hither 
 and thither, calling lustily upon all the scrubs, 
 the runagates, and tatterdemalions of the Man- 
 hattoes and Ijts vicinity, who had any ambition 
 of sixpence a day, and immortal fame into the 
 bargain, to enlist in the cause of glory. For I 
 would have you note that your warlike heroes 
 who trudge in the rear of conquerors, are general- 
 ly of that illustrious class of gentlemen, who are 
 equal candidates for the army or the bridewell 
 
100 PETER ASCENDS THE HUDSON. 
 
 — the halberts or the whipping post — for whom 
 darne Fortune has cast an even die, whether 
 the}' shall make their exit by the sword or the 
 halter — and w^hose deaths shall, at all events, be 
 a lofty example to their countrymen. 
 
 But notwithstanding all this martial rout and 
 invitation, the ranks of honour were but scantily 
 supplied ; so averse w^ere the peaceful burghers 
 of New-Amsterdam from enlisting in foreign 
 broils, or stirring beyond that home wdiich 
 rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon beholding 
 this, the great Peter, w^hose noble heart w as all 
 on fire with war and sweet revenge, determined 
 to wait no longer for the tardy assistance of 
 these oily citizens, but to muster up his merry 
 men of the Hudson ; who, brought up among 
 woods and wilds and savage beasts, like our 
 yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so 
 much as desperate adventures and perilous ex- 
 peditions through the wilderness. Thus resolv- 
 ing, he ordered his trusty squire, Antony Van 
 Corlear, to have his state galley prepared and 
 duly victualled ; which being performed, he at- 
 tended public service at the great Cnurch of St. 
 Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and 
 then leaving peremptory orders with his council 
 to have the chivalry of the Manhattoes marshall- 
 ed out and appointed against his return, departed 
 upon his recruiting voyage, up the waters of the 
 Hudson. 
 
DESCRIPTION OF HIS GALLEY. 101 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Containing Peter Stuyvesant^s voyage up the 
 Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that 
 renowned river. 
 
 Now did the soft breezes of the south steal 
 sweetly over the beauteous face of nature, tem- 
 pering the panting heats of summer into genial 
 and prolific warmth : when that miracle of har- 
 dihood and chivalric virtue, the dauntless Peter 
 Stuyvesant, spread his canvass to the wind, and 
 departed from the fair island of Mannahata. 
 The galley in which he embarked was sumptu- 
 ously adorned with pendants and streamers of 
 gorgeous dyes, which fluttered gayly in the wind, 
 or drooped their ends in the bosom of the stream. 
 The bow and poop of this majestic vessel were 
 gallantly bedight, after the rarest Dutch fashion, 
 with figures of little pursy Cupids with periwigs 
 on their heads, and bearing in their hands gar- 
 lands of flowers, the like of which are not to be 
 found in any book of botany; being the match- 
 less flowers which flourished in the golden age, 
 and exist no longer, unless it be in the imagina- 
 tions of ingenious carvers of wood and discoiourr 
 ers of canvass. 
 
102 VOYAGE UP THE HUDSON. 
 
 Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the 
 state of the puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, 
 did the galley of Peter Stuyvesant launch forth 
 upon the bosom of the lordly Hudson 5 which, 
 as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, seemed 
 to pause for a while and swell with pride, as if 
 conscious of the illustrious burthen it sustained. 
 
 But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the 
 scene presented to the contemplation of the crew, 
 from that which may be witnessed at this degene- 
 rate day. Wildness and savage majesty reigned 
 on the borders of this mighty river — the hand 
 of cultivation had not as yet laid down the dark 
 forests, and tamed the features of the land- 
 scape — nor had the frequent sail of commerce 
 yet broken in upon the profound and awful soli- 
 tude of ages. Here and there might be seen a 
 rude wigwam perched among the cliffs of the 
 mountains, with its curling column of smoke 
 mounting in the transparent atmosphere — but so 
 loftily situated that the whoopings of the savage 
 children, gambolling on the margin of the dizzy 
 heights, fell almost as faintly on the ear, as do 
 the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure vault 
 of heaven. Now and then from the beetling brow 
 of some rocky precipice, the wild deer would 
 look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as 
 it passed below; and then, tossing his branching 
 antlers in the air, would bound away into the 
 thickets of the forest. 
 
DELIftHTFUL SCENERY. 103 
 
 Through such scenes did the stately vessel 
 of Peter Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt 
 the bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, which 
 spring up like everlasting walls, reaching from 
 the waves unto the heavens ; and were fashioned, 
 if traditions may be beheved, in times long past, 
 by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his fa- 
 vourite abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mor- 
 tals. Now did they career it gayly across the vast 
 expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide extended 
 shores present a vast variety of delectable sce- 
 nery — here the bold promontory, crov/ned with 
 embowering trees, advancing into the bay — there 
 the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the 
 shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the 
 upland precipice — while at a distance a long 
 waving line of rocky heights threw their gigan- 
 tic shades across the water. Now would they; 
 pass where some modest little interval, open- 
 ing among these stupendous scenes, yet retreat- 
 ing as it were for protection into the embraces 
 of the neighbouring mountains, displayed a ru- 
 ral paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral 
 beauties ; the veivet-tufted lawn — the bushy 
 coj)se — the tinkling rivulet, stealing through 
 the fresh and vivid verdure — on whose banks 
 was situated some little Indian village, or per- 
 adventure, the rude cabin of some sohtary hun- 
 ter. 
 
104 GRANDEUR GF SUNSET. 
 
 The different periods of the revolving daj 
 seemed each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a 
 different charm over the scene. Now would the 
 jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blaz- 
 ing from the summits of the hills and sparkling 
 the landscape with a thousand dewy gems ; while 
 along the borders of the river were seen heavj 
 masses of mist, which like midnight caitiffs, 
 disturbed at his approach, made a sluggish re- 
 treat, rolling in sullen reluctance up the moun- 
 tains. At such times all was brightness and life 
 and gayety — the atmosphere seemed of an inde- 
 scribable pureness and transparency — the birds 
 broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the fresh- 
 ening breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her 
 course. But when the sun sunk amid a flood of 
 glory in the west, mantling the heavens and the 
 earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes — then all 
 was calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late 
 swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast — 
 the seamen with folded arms leaned against the 
 shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing wlijch 
 the sober grandeur of nature commands in the 
 rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the 
 Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reflecting 
 the golden splendour of the heavens, excepting 
 that now and then a bark canoe would steal 
 across its surface, filled with painted savages, 
 whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance 
 
A TWILIGHT SCENE. 105 
 
 a lingering ray of the setting sun gleamed upon 
 them from the western mountains.^ 
 
 But when the hour of twilight spread its magic 
 mists around, then did the face of nature assume 
 a thousand fugitive charms, which to the worthy 
 heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious works 
 of its Maker are inexpressibly captivating. The 
 mellow dubious light that prevailed, just served 
 to tinge with illusive colours, the softened fea- 
 tures of the scenery. The deceived but delight- 
 ed eye sought vainly to discern in the broad 
 masses of shade, the separating line between the 
 land and water ; or to distinguish the fading ob- 
 jects that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did 
 the busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, 
 producing with industrious craft a fairy creation 
 of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren 
 I'ocks frowned upon the watery waste, in the 
 semblance of lofty towers and high embattled 
 castles — trees assumed the direful forms of mighty 
 giants, and the inaccessible summits of the moun- 
 tains seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy 
 beings. 
 
 Now broke forth from the shores the notes of 
 an innumerable variety of insects which hlled the 
 air with a strange but not inharmonious con- 
 cert — while ever and anon was heard the melan- 
 « holy plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who, perch- 
 ed on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night 
 
 VOL. I J. 10 
 
106 AWFUL DEFILES. 
 
 with his incessant moanings. The mind, soothed 
 into a hallowed melancholy, listened with pen- 
 sive stillness to catch and distinguish each sound 
 that vaguely echoed from the shore— now and 
 then startled perchance by the whoop of some 
 straggling savage or the dreary howl of a wolf, 
 stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 
 
 Thus happily did they pursue their course, 
 until they entered upon those awful defiles de- 
 nominated THE HIGHLANDS, whcrc it would sccm 
 that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their 
 impious war with heaven, piling up clitfs on cliffs, 
 and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confusion. 
 But in sooth very different is the history of these 
 cloud-capt mountains. — These in ancient days, 
 before the Hudson poured his waters from the 
 lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose 
 rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined 
 the rebellious spirits who repined at his controul. 
 Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in 
 rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, 
 they groaned for many an age. — At length the 
 conquering Hudson, in his irresistible career to- 
 wards the ocean, burst open their prison house, 
 rolling his tide triumphantly through its stupen- 
 dous ruins. 
 
 Still, however, do many of them lurk about 
 their old abodes ; and these it is, according to 
 venerable le2;ends, that cause the echoes which 
 
PUNISHMENT OF BRIMSTONES. 107 
 
 resound throughout these awful soHtucles ; which 
 are nothing but their angry clamours when any 
 noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. 
 For when the elements are agitated by tempest, 
 when tlie winds are up and the thunder rolls, 
 then horrible is the yelling and howling of these 
 troubled spirits, making the mountains to re- 
 bellow with their hideous uproar ; for at such 
 times it is said, that they think the great Ma- 
 netho is returning once more to plunge them in 
 gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable 
 captivit}'. *- 
 
 But all these fair and glorious scenes were 
 lost upon the gallant Stuyvesant ; naught occu- 
 pied his mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud 
 anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither 
 did his honest crew trouble their vacant heads 
 Avith any romantic speculations of the kind. 
 The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, 
 thinking of nothing either past, present, or. to 
 come — those of his comrades who were not in- 
 dustriously snoring under the hatches were lis- 
 tening with open mouths to Antony Van Corlear; 
 who, seated on the windlass, was relating to them 
 the marvellous history of those myriads of fire 
 flies, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon 
 the dusky robe of night. These, according to 
 tradition, were originally a race of pestilent 
 sempiternous beldames, who peopled these parts 
 
108 VAN CORLEAR KILLS A STURGEON 
 
 long before the memory of man ; being of that 
 abominated race emphatically called ^nW^owe^; 
 and who for their innumerable sins against the 
 children of men, and to furnish an awful warn- 
 ing to the beauteous sex, were doomed to infest 
 the earth in the shape of these threatening and 
 terrible little bugs; enduring the internal tor- 
 ments of that fire, which they formerly carried 
 in their hearts and breathed forth in their words ; 
 but now are sentenced to bear about for ever — 
 in their tails. 
 
 And now am I going to tell a fact, which I 
 doubt much my readers will hesitate to beUeve ; 
 but if they do, they are welcome not to beheve 
 a word in this whole history, for nothing which 
 it contains is more true. It must heJcnown then 
 that the nose of Antony the trumpeter was of a 
 very lusty size, strutting boldly from his counte- 
 nance like a mountain of Golconda ; being sump- 
 tuously bedecked with rubies and other precious 
 stones — the true regalia of a king of good fellows, 
 which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it 
 heartily at the flaggon. Now thus it happened, 
 ihat bright and early in the morning, the good 
 Antony having washed his burly visage, was 
 leaning over the quarter railing of the galley, 
 contemplating it in the glassy wave below — -just 
 at this moment the illustrious sun, breaking in all 
 his splendour from behind one of the high bluffs 
 
By the reflection of his nose. 109 
 
 of the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent 
 beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sound- 
 er of brass — the reflection of which shot straight- 
 way down, hissing hot, into the water, and killed 
 a mighty sturgeon that was sporting beside the 
 vessel ! This huge monster being with infinite 
 labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious 
 repast to all the crew, being accounted of excel- 
 lent flavour, excepting about the wound, where it 
 smacked a little of brimstone — and this, on my 
 veracity, was the first time that ever sturgeon w^as 
 eaten in these parts by Christian people.* 
 
 When this astonishing miracle came to be made 
 known to Peter Stuyvesant, and that he tasted of 
 the unknown fish, he, as may well be supposed, 
 marvelled exceedingly ; and as a monument 
 thereof, he gave the name of Antonyms J^ose to a 
 stout promontory in the neighbourhood — and it 
 has continued to be called Antony's Nose ever 
 since that time. 
 
 But hold — Whither am I wandering ? — By the 
 mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter 
 Stuyvesant on this voyage, I shall never make 
 an end, for never was there a voyage so fraught 
 
 * The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating- of the coun- 
 try about Albany, in a letter which was written some time 
 after the settlement thereof, says, " There is in the river 
 great plenty of Sturgeon, which we CJjristians do not 
 make use of; but the Indians eat them grcedilie." 
 10* 
 
HO PETER IN THE CARE OF ST. NICHOLAS. 
 
 with marvellous incidents, nor a river so abound- 
 ing with transcendent beauties, worthy of being 
 severally recorded. Even now I have it on the 
 point of my pen to relate, how his crew were 
 most horribly frightened, on going on shore above 
 the highlands, by a gang of merry, roistering 
 devils, frisking and curvetting on a huge flat 
 rock, which projected into the river — and which 
 is called the DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very 
 day. — But no ! Diedrich Knickerbocker — it be- 
 comes thee not to idle thus in thy historic way- 
 faring. 
 
 Recollect that while dwelling with the fond 
 garrulity of age over these fairy scenes, endear- 
 ed to thee by the recollections of thy youth, and 
 the charms of a thousand legendary tales which 
 beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood ; recol- 
 lect that thou art trifling with those fleeting mo- 
 ments which should be devoted to loftier themes. 
 — Is not Time — relentless Time ! — shaking, with 
 palsied hand, his almost exhausted hour glass 
 before thee ? — hasten then to pursue thy weary 
 task, lest the last sands be run, ere thou hast 
 finished thy history of the Manhattoes. 
 
 Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his 
 brave galley, and his loyal crew to the protection 
 of the blessed St. Nicholas ; who I have no doubt 
 will prosper him in his voyage, while we await 
 his return at the great city of New- Amsterdam. 
 
WARRIORS COMPOSING THE GRAND ARMY 1 1 1 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Describing the powerful army that assembled at 
 the city of New-Amsterdam — together with the 
 interview between Peter the Headstrong^ and 
 General Von Poffenburgh^ and Peter^s senti- 
 ments touching unfortunate great men. 
 
 While thus the enterprising Peter was coast- 
 ing, with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly 
 Hudson, and arousing all the phlegmatic little 
 Dutch settlements upon its borders, a great and 
 puissant concourse of warriors was assembling 
 at the city of New-Amsterdam. And here that 
 invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant 
 manuscript, is more than commonly particular ; 
 by which means I am enabled to record the il- 
 lustrious host that encamped itself in the public 
 square in front of the fort, at present denomina- 
 ted the Bowling Green. 
 
 In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of 
 the men of battle of the Manhattoes, who being 
 the inmates of the metropolis, composed the life 
 guards of the governor. These were commanded 
 by the vahant StotFel BrinkerhofF, who whilom 
 had acquried such immortal fame at Oyster Bay 
 — they displayed as a standard, a beaver ram- 
 
112 STANDARDS OF THE CAPTAINS. 
 
 pa7it on a field of orange ; being the arms of the 
 province, and denoting the persevering industry, 
 and the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.* 
 On their right hand might be seen the vassals 
 of that renowned Mynheer, Michael Paw,t Avho 
 lorded it over the fair regions of ancient Pavo- 
 nia, and the lands away south, even unto the 
 Navesink mountains,! and was moreover patroon 
 of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his 
 trusty squire, Cornehus Van Vorst; consisting 
 of a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green 
 field 5 being the armorial bearings of his favour- 
 ite metropolis, Communipaw. He brought to the 
 camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, 
 being each clad in ten pair of hnsey woolsey 
 breeches, and overshadowed by broad brimmed 
 
 * This was likewise the great seal of the New-Nether- 
 lands, as may still be seen in ancient records. 
 
 f Besides what is related in the Stuyvesant MS. I have 
 found mention made of this illustrious Patroon in another 
 manuscript, which says: " De Heer (or the squire) Mi- 
 chael Paw, a Dutch subject, about 10th Aug-. 1630, by 
 deed purchased Staten Island. N. B. The same Michael 
 Paw had wliat the Dutch call a colonic atParonia, on the 
 Jersey shore, opposite New-York, and his overseer in 
 1636, was named Corns. Van Vorst — a person of the 
 same name in 1769 owned Pawles Hook, and a large farm 
 at Pavonia, and is a lineal descendant from Van Vorst." 
 
 I So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inha- 
 bited these parts — at present they are erroneously deno- 
 mrnated the Neversink, or Neversunk mountains. 
 
* 
 THE SUYDAMS AND THE VAN DAMS. 113 
 
 beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat- 
 bands. These were the men who vegetated in 
 the mud along the shores of Pavonia ; being of 
 the race of genuine copperheads, and were fa- 
 bled to have sprung from oysters. 
 
 At a httle distance was encamped the tribe 
 of warriors who came from the neighbourhood of 
 Hell-Gate. These were commanded by the Suy 
 Dams, and the Van Dams, incontinent hard 
 swearers, as their names betoken — they were 
 terrible looking fellows, clad in broad skirted 
 gaberdines, of that curious coloured cloth called 
 thunder and lightning — and bore as a standard 
 three Devil's-darning-needles, volant, in a flame- 
 coloured field. 
 
 Hard by was the tent of the men of battle 
 from the marshy borders of the Waale-Boght* 
 and the country thereabouts — these were of a 
 sour aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs, 
 which abound in these parts. They were the 
 first institutors of that honourable order of 
 knighthood, called Fly market shirks, and, if 
 tradition speak true, did likewise introduce the 
 far-famed step in dancing, called " double trou- 
 ble." They were commanded by the fearless 
 Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had moreover a jol- 
 
 * Since corrupted into the Wallahout; the bay where 
 tlie Navy Yard is situated. 
 
114 PETER RECOGNISED. 
 
 \y band of Breuckelen* ferry-men, who perform- 
 ed a brave concerto on conch shells. 
 
 Bat I refrain from pursuing this minute de- 
 scription, which goes on to describe the warriors 
 of Bloemen dael, and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, 
 and sundry other places, well known in history 
 and song — for now does the sound of martial 
 music alarm the people of New-Amsterdam, 
 sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. 
 But this alarm was in a little while relieved, 
 for lo, from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, 
 they recognized the brimstone coloured breeches, 
 and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, 
 glaring in the sunbeams ; and beheld him ap- 
 proaching at the head of a formidable army, 
 which he had mustered along the banks of the 
 Hudson. And here the excellent, but anonymous 
 writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out 
 into a brave and glorious description of the 
 forces, as they defiled through the principal gate 
 of the city, that stood by the head of Wall- 
 street. 
 
 First of all came the Van Bummels, who in- 
 habit the pleasant borders of the Bronx — These 
 were short fat men, wearing exceeding large 
 trunk breeciies, and are renowned for feats of 
 the trencher — they were the first inventors of 
 suppawn or mush and milk — Close in their rear 
 
 ■^ Now spelt Brooklyn. 
 
VAN VLOTENS, VAN PELTS AND VAN NESTS. 115 
 
 marched the Van Vlotens, of Kaatskill, most 
 horrible quaffers of new cider, and arrant brag- 
 garts in their liquor — After them came the Van, 
 Pelts, of Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen, 
 mounted upon goodly switch tailed steeds of the 
 Esopus breed — these were mighty hunters of 
 minks and musk rats, whence came the w^ord Pel- 
 try — Then the Van Nests of Kinderhook, valiant 
 robbers of birds' nests, as their name denotes 5 
 to these, if report may be believed, are we in- 
 debted for the invention of slap jacks, or buck- 
 wheat cakes. — Then the Van Higginbottoms, of 
 Wapping- s creek ; these came armed with ferules 
 and birchen rods, being a race of schoolmasters, 
 who first discovered the marvellous sympathy be- 
 tween the seat of honour and the seat of intel- 
 lect — and that the shortest w^ay to get know^- 
 ledge into the head, was to hammer it into the 
 bottom. — Then the Van Grolls, of Antony's 
 Nose, who carried their liquor in fair round lit- 
 tle pottles, by reason they could not bouse it 
 out of their canteens, having such rare long noses. 
 Tiien the Gardeniers, of Hudson and there- 
 abouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, 
 such as robbing water melon patches, smoking 
 rabbits out of their holes, and the like ; and by 
 being great iJvers of roasted pig's tails ; these 
 were the ancestors of the renowned congress- 
 man of that name. — Then the Van Hoesens, of 
 
116 VAN HOESENS AND VAN BUNSCHOTENS. 
 
 Sing-Sing, great choristers and players upon the 
 jews harp ; these marched two and two, singing 
 the great song of St. Nicholas. — Then the 
 Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow, these gave birth 
 to a jolly race of publicans, who first discover- 
 ed the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of 
 wine into a pint bottle. — Then the Van Kort- 
 landts, who lived on the wild banks of the Cro- 
 ton, and were great killers of wild ducks, being 
 much spoken of for their skill in shooting with 
 the long bow. — Then the Van Bunschotens, of 
 Nyack and Kakiat, who w^ere the first that did 
 ever kick with the left foot ; they were gallant 
 bush-whackers and hunters of racoons by moon- 
 light. — Then the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, 
 potent suckers of eggs, and noted for running 
 of horses, and running up of scores at taverns ; 
 they were the first that ever winked with both 
 eyes at once. — Lastly came the Knicker- 
 bockers of the greattown of Schaghtikoke, where 
 the folk lay stones upon the houses in windy 
 weather, lest they should be blown away. These 
 derive their name, as some say, from Knicker^ 
 to shak*, and Beker, a goblet, indicating there- 
 by that they were sturdy toss-pots of yore ; but 
 in truth, it was derived from Knicker, to nod, 
 and Boeken, books *, plainly meaning that they 
 w^ere great nodders or dosers over books — from 
 them did descend the writer of this history. 
 
RETURN OF VON POFFENBURGM. 117 
 
 . Such was the legion of sturdy bush beaters 
 that poured in at the grand gate of New-Am- 
 sterdam ; the Stuyvesant manuscript indeed 
 speaks of many more, whose names I omit to 
 mention, seeing that it behoves me to hasten to 
 matters of greater moment. Nothing could sur- 
 pass the joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted 
 Peter, as he reviewed this mighty host of warri- 
 ors, and he determined no longer to defer the 
 gratification of his much wished for revenge, up- 
 on the scoundrel Swedes at Fort Casimir. 
 
 But before I hasten to record those unmatch- 
 able events, which will be found in the sequel of 
 this faithful history, let me pause to notice the 
 fate of Jacobus Von Potfenburgh, the discomfited 
 commander in chief of the armies of the New- 
 Netherlands. Such is the inherent uncharitable- 
 ness of human nature, that scarcely did the news 
 become pubhc of his deplorable discomfiture at 
 Fort Casimir, than a thousand scurvy rumours 
 were set afloat in New-Amsterdam, wherein it 
 was insinuated, that he had in reality a treache- 
 rous understanding with the Swedish commander; 
 that he had long been in the practice of privately 
 communicating with the Swedes ; together with 
 divers hints about "secret service money" — To 
 all which deadly charges I do not give a jot more 
 credit than 1 think they deserve. 
 - Certain it is, that the general vindicated his 
 
 VOL. II. ]) 
 
118 HIS VALOROUS VAPGURI.VGS. 
 
 character by the most vehement oaths and pro- 
 testations, and put every man out of the ranks of 
 honour who dared to doubt his integrity. More- 
 over, on returning to New-Amsterdam, he para- 
 ded up and down the streets with a crew of hard 
 swearers at his heels — sturdy bottle companions, 
 whom he gorged and fattened, and who were 
 ready to bolster him through all the courts of 
 justice — Heroes of his own kidney, fierce-whis- 
 kered, broad-shouldered, colbrand-looking swag- 
 gerers — not one of whom but looked as though 
 he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with 
 the horns. These life-guard men quarrelled all 
 his quarrels, were ready to fight all his battles, 
 and scowled at every man that turned up his 
 nose at the general, as though they would devour 
 him alive. Their conversation was interspersed 
 with oaths like minute guns, and every bombas- 
 tic rodomontado was rounded oft by a thundering 
 execration, like a patriotic toast hono^U'ed with 
 a discharge of artillery. 
 
 All these valorous vapourings had a considera- 
 ble effect in convincing certain profound sages, 
 many of whom began to think the general a hero 
 of unutterable loftiness and magnanimity of soul, 
 particularly as he was continually protesting on 
 the honour of a soldier — a marvellously high 
 sounding asseveration. Nay, one of the members 
 of the council went so far as to propose they 
 
Peter's advice to him, 119 
 
 should immortalize him by an imperishable sta- 
 tue o( plaster of Paris. 
 
 But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not 
 thus to be deceived. — Sending privately for the 
 commander in chief of all the armies, and having 
 heard all his story, garnished with the customary 
 pious oaths, protestations, and ejaculations — 
 '* Harkee, comrade," cried he, " though by your 
 own account you are the most brave, uprj^K, 
 and honourable man in the whole province, yet 
 do you lie under the misfortune of being damna- 
 bly traduced, and immeasurably despised. Now 
 though it is certainly hard to punish a man for 
 his misfortunes, and though it is very possible 
 you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to 
 your charge, yet as heaven, at present, doubtless 
 for some wise purpose, sees fit to withhold all 
 proofs of your innocence, far be it from me to 
 counteract its sovereign will. Besides, I cannot 
 consent to venture my armies with a commander 
 whom they despise, or to trust the welfare of 
 my people to a champion whom they distrust. 
 Retire, therefore, my friend, from the irksome 
 toils and cares of public life, with this comforting 
 reflection — that if guilty, you arc but enjoying 
 your just reward — and if innocent, you are not 
 the first great and good man who has most 
 wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in 
 this wicked world — doubtless to be better treat- 
 
120 A CONCLUSIVE HINT. 
 
 ed in a better world, where there shall be neither 
 error, calumny, nor persecution. In the mean 
 time let me never see your face again, for I have 
 a horrible antipathy to the countenances of un- 
 fortunate great men like yourself." 
 
THE author's discourse. 121 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 In which the Author discourses very ingeniously 
 of himself, — After which is to be found much 
 interesting history about Peter the Headstrong 
 and his followers. 
 
 As my readers and myself are about entering 
 on as many perils as ever a confederacy of 
 meddlesome knights-errant wilfully ran their 
 heads into, it is meet that, like those hardy ad- 
 venturers, we should join hands, bury all dif-- 
 ferences, and swear to stand by one another, 
 in weal or wo, to the end of the enterprize. My 
 readers must doubtless perceive, how complete- 
 ly I have altered my tone and deportment, since 
 we first set out together. I warrant they then 
 thought me a crabbed, cynical, impertinent little 
 son of a Dutchman ; for I scarcely ever gave 
 them a civil word, nor so much as touched my 
 beaver, when 1 had occasion to address them. 
 But as we jogged along together, in the high- 
 road of my history, I gradually began to relax, 
 to grow more courteous, and occasionally to 
 enter into famiUar discourse, until at length I 
 came to conceive a most social, companionable, 
 kind regard for them. This is just my way — 
 11* 
 
i22 THE author's ingenious 
 
 I am always a little cold and reserved at first, 
 particularly to people whom 1 neither know nor 
 care for, and am only to be completely won by 
 long intimacy. 
 
 Besides, why should I have been sociable to 
 the crowd of how-d'ye-do acquaintances, that 
 flocked around me at my first appearance ? Ma- 
 ny were merely attracted by a new face ; and 
 having stared me full in the title page, walked 
 off without saying a word ; while others lingered 
 yawnipgly through the preface, and having gra- 
 tified their shortlived curiosity, soon dropped 
 off one by one. But more especially to try their 
 mettle, 1 had recourse to an expedient, similar 
 to one which we are told w^as used by that 
 peerless flower of chivalry, king Arthur ; who, 
 before he admitted any knight to his intimacy, 
 first required that he should show himself supe- 
 rior to danger or hardships, by encountering 
 unheard-of mishaps, slaying some dozen giants, 
 vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a 
 w^ord of dwarfs, hyppogriifs, and fiery dragons. 
 On a similar principle, I cunningly led my read- 
 ers, at the first sally, into two or three knotty 
 chapters, where they were mo^t wofully bela- 
 boured and buflTeted, by a host of pagan philo- 
 sophers and infidel writers. Though naturally a 
 very grave man, yet could I scarce refrain from 
 smiling outright at seeing the utter confusion 
 
DISCOURSE OF HIMSELF. 12S 
 
 and dismay of my valiant cavaliers — some drop- 
 ped down dead (asleep) on the field*, others threw 
 down my book in the middle of the first chapter, 
 took to their heels, and never ceased scampering 
 until they had fairly run it out of sight; when 
 they stopped to take breath, to tell their friends 
 what troubles they had undergone, and to warn 
 all others from venturing on so thankless an ex- 
 pedition. Every page thinned my ranks more 
 and more ; and of the vast multitude that first 
 set out, but a comparatively few made shift to 
 survive, in exceedingly battered condition, 
 through the five introductory chapters. 
 
 What, then ! would you have had me take such 
 sunshine, faint-hearted recreants to my bosom 
 at our first acquaintance ? No — no ; I reserved 
 my friendship for those who deserved it, for 
 those who undauntedly bore me company, in de- 
 spite of difficultiies, dangers, and fatigues. And 
 now, as to those who adhere to me at present, I 
 take them aflTectionately by the hand — Worthy 
 and thrice beloved readers! brave an|||(veil-tried 
 comrades! who have faithfully followj^d my foot- 
 steps through all my wanderings — 1 salute you 
 from my heart — I pledge myself to stand by you 
 to the last ; and to conduct you (so heaven speed 
 this trusty weapon which 1 now hold between 
 my fingers) triumphantly to the end of this our 
 stupendous undertaking. 
 
224 VAN corlear's trumpet sounds. 
 
 But hark! while we are thus talking, the city 
 of New-Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of 
 warriors encamped in the Bowling Green are 
 striking their tents ; the brazen trumpet of An- 
 tony Van Corlear makes the welkin to resound 
 with portentous clangour — the drums beat— 
 the standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, 
 and of Michael Paw wave proudly in the air. 
 And now behold where the mariners are busily 
 employed hoisting the sails of yon topsail schoo- 
 ner, and those clump-built sloops, which are 
 to waft the army of the Nederlanders to gather 
 immortal honours on the Delaware ! 
 
 The entire population of the city, man, woman, 
 and child, turned out to behold the chivalry of 
 New- Amsterdam, as it paraded the streets pre- 
 vious to embarkation. Many a handkerchief was 
 waved out at the windows ; many a fair nose was 
 blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful oc- 
 casion. The grief of the fair dames and beaute- 
 ous damsels of Grenada could not have been 
 more vo(iBbrous on the banishment of the gal- 
 lant tribe pf Abencerrages, than was that of the 
 kind-hearted fair ones of New- Amsterdam on the 
 departure of their intrepid warriors. Every love- 
 sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her 
 hero with gingerbread and dough-nuts — many 
 a copper ring was exchanged and crooked six- 
 pence broken, in pledge of eternal constancy — 
 
THE EXPEDITION SAILS. 125 
 
 and there remain extant to this day some love 
 verses written on that occasion, sufficiently crab- 
 bed and incomprehensible to confound the whole 
 universe. 
 
 But it was a moving sight to see the buxom 
 lasses, how they hung about the doughty Antony 
 Van Corlear — for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, 
 lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a 
 desperate rogue among the women. Fain would 
 they have kept him to comfort them while the 
 army was away; for besides what I have said 
 of him, it is no more than justice to add, that 
 he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his bene- 
 volent attentions in comforting disconsolate 
 wives during the absence of their husbands — 
 and this made him to be very much regarded by 
 the honest burghers of the city. But nothing 
 could keep the valiant Antony from following 
 the heels of the old governor, whom he loved aa 
 he did his very soul — so embracing all the young 
 vrouws, and giving every one of them that had 
 good teeth and rosy lips, a dozen hearty smacks, 
 he departed loaded with their kind wishes. 
 
 Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter 
 among the least causes of public distress. Though 
 the old governor was by no means indulgent to 
 the folhes and waywardness of his subjects, yet 
 some how or other he had become strangely 
 popular among the people. There is something 
 
126 POPULARITY OF PETER. 
 
 SO captivating in personal bravery, that, with the 
 common mass of mankind, it takes the lead of 
 most other merits. The simple folk of New- 
 Amsterdam looked upon Peter Stuyvesant as a 
 prodigy of valour. His wooden leg, that trophy 
 of his martial encounters, was regarded with 
 reverence and admiration. Every old burgher 
 had a budget of miraculous stories to tell about 
 the exploits of Hardkopping Piet, wherewith he 
 regaled his children of a long winter night ; and 
 on which he dwelt with as much delight and ex- 
 aggeration, as do our honest country yeomea on 
 the hardy adventures of old General Putnam (or 
 as he is familiarly termed. Old Put) during our 
 glorious revolution — Not an individual but verily 
 believed "the old governor was a match for Bel- 
 zebub himself; and there w^as even a story told, 
 with great mystery, and under the rose, of his 
 having shot the devil with a silver bullet one 
 dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe 
 through Hell-gate — But this I do not record as 
 being an absolute fact — perish the man who 
 would let fall a drop to discolour the pure stream 
 of history ! 
 
 Certain it is, not an old woman in New-Am- 
 sterdam but considered Peter Stuyvesant as a 
 tower of strength, and rested satisfied that the 
 public welfare was secure so long as he was in 
 the city. It is not surprising then that they looked 
 
HIS PATRIARCHAL ADDRESS. 127 
 
 upon his departure as a sore affliction. With 
 heavy hearts they dragged at the heels of his 
 trc^op, as they marched down to the river side to 
 embark. The governor from the stern of his 
 schooner gave a short, but truly patriarchal ad- 
 dress to his citizens ; wherein he recommended 
 them to comport like loyal and peaceable sub- 
 jects — to go to church regularly on Sundays, and 
 to mind their business all the week besides — 
 That the women should be dutiful and aifection- 
 ate to their husbands — looking after nobody's 
 concerns bat their own : eschewing all gossip- 
 pings and morning gaddings — and carrying short 
 tongues and long petticoats. That the men 
 should abstain from intermeddling in public con- 
 cerns, entrusting the cares of government to the 
 oflicers appointed to support them — staying at 
 home, like good citizens, making money for 
 themselves, and getting children for the benefit 
 of their country. That the burgomasters should 
 look well to the public interest — not oppressing 
 the poor, nor indulging the rich — not tasking 
 their security to devise new la^ws, but faithfully 
 enforcing those which were already made — 
 rather bending their attention to prevent evil 
 than to punish it; ever recollecting that civil 
 magistrates should consider themselves more as 
 guardians of public morals, than rat catchers em- 
 ployed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, 
 
158 FINAL DEPARTURE OF THE ARMADA, 
 
 he exhorted them, one and all, high and low, 
 rich and poor, to conduct themselves as well as 
 they could ; asssuring them that if they faithfully 
 and conscientiously comphed with this golden 
 rule, there was no danger but that they would 
 all conduct themselves well enough. — This done, 
 he gave them a paternal benediction ; the sturdy 
 Antony sounded a most loving farewell with his 
 trumpet, the jolly crews put up a shout of tri- 
 umph, and the invincible armada swept off proud- 
 ly down the bay. 
 
 The good people of New-Amsterdam crowded 
 down to the battery — that blest resort, from 
 whence so many a tender prayer has been wafted, 
 so many a fair hand waved, so many a tearful 
 look been cast by love-sick damsel, after the les- 
 sening bark, bearing her adventurous swain to 
 distant climes ; — Here the populace watched 
 with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it 
 slowly floated down the bay, and when the inter- 
 vening land at the Narrows shut it from their 
 sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues 
 and downcast countenances. 
 
 A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling 
 city — The honest burghers smoked their pipes in 
 profound thoughtfulness, casting many a wistful 
 look to the weather cock, on the church of Saint 
 Nicholas; and all the old women, having no long- 
 er the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten 
 
IT ARRIVES IN THE DELAWARE. 129 
 
 them, gathered their children home, and barri- 
 cadoed the doors and windows every evening at 
 sun down. 
 
 In the mean while the armada of the sturdy 
 Peter proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and 
 after encountering about as many storms, and 
 water spouts, and whales, and other horrors and 
 phenomena, as generally befal adventurous lands- 
 men, in perilous voyages of the kind ; and after 
 undergoing a severe scouring from that deplora- 
 ble and unpitied malady called sea sickness, the 
 whole squadron arrived safely in the Delaware. 
 
 Without so much as dropping anchor and 
 giving his wearied ships time to breathe after 
 labouring so long in the ocean, the intrepid Peter 
 pursued his course up the Delaware, and made 
 a sudden appearance before Fort Casimir.— 
 Having summoned the astonished garrison by a 
 territic blast from the trumpet of the long-winded 
 Van Corlear, he demand'ed in a tone of thunder, 
 an instant surrender of the fort. To this demand, 
 Suen Scutz, the wind-dried commandant, replied 
 in a shrill, whiffling voice, which, by reason of 
 his extreme spareness, sounded like the wind 
 whistling through a broken bellows — " that he 
 had no very strong reasons for refusing, except 
 that the demand was particularly disagreeable, 
 as he had been ordered to maintain his post to 
 the last extremity.'' He requested time, there- 
 
 VOL. IT. 12 
 
130 PETER ATTACKS FORT CASIMIR. 
 
 fore, to consult with Governor Risingh, and pro- 
 posed a truce for that purpose. 
 
 The choleric Peter, indignant at having his 
 rightful fort so treacherously taken from him, 
 and thus pertinaciously withheld, refused the 
 proposed armistice, and swore by the pipe of St. 
 Nicholas, which like the sacred tire was never 
 extinguished, that unless the fort were surren- 
 dered in ten minutes, he would incontinently 
 storm the works, make all the garrison run the 
 gauntlet, and split their scoundrel of a com- 
 mander like a pickled shad. To give this menace 
 the greater effect, he drew forth his trusty sword, 
 and shook it at them with such a fierce and 
 vigorous motion, that doubtless if it had not been 
 exceeding rusty, it would have lightened terror 
 into the eyes and hearts of the enemy. He then 
 ordered his men to bring a broadside to bear up- 
 on the fort, consisting of two swivels, three mus- 
 kets, a long duck fowling piece, and two brace of 
 horse pistols. 
 
 In the mean time the sturdy Van Corlear mar- 
 shalled all his forces, and commenced his war- 
 like operations. — Distending his cheeks like a 
 very Boreas, he kept up a most horrific twanging 
 of his trumpet — the lusty choristers of Sing-Sing 
 broke forth into a hideous song of battle — the 
 warriors of Breuckelen and the Wallabout blew 
 a potent and astounding blast on their conch 
 
THE GARRISON CAPITULATE. 131 
 
 shells, altogether forming as outrageous a con- 
 certo as though five thousand French orchestras 
 were displaying their skill in a modern overture. 
 
 Whether the formidable front of war thus 
 suddenly presented, smote the garrison with 
 sore dismay — or whether the concluding terms 
 of the summons, which mentioned that he should 
 surrender " at discretion" were mistaken by 
 Suen Scutz, who though a Swede, was a very 
 considerate easy tempered man — as a compli- 
 ment to his discretion, I will not take upon me 
 to say ; certain it is, he found it impossible to 
 resist so courteous a demand. Accordingly, in 
 the very nick of time, just as the cabin boy had 
 gone after a coal of fire, to discharge the swivel, 
 a chamade was beat on the rampart, by the only 
 drum in the garrison, to the no small satisfaction 
 of both parties ; who, notwithstanding their great 
 stomach for fighting, had full as good an inclina- 
 tion to eat a quiet dinner, as to exchange black 
 eyes and bloody noses. 
 
 Thus did this impregnable fortress once more 
 return to the domination of their High Mighti- 
 nesses ; Scutz and his garrison of twenty men 
 were allowed to march out with the honours of 
 war, and the victorious Peter, who was as gene- 
 rous as brave, permitted them to keep possession 
 of all their arms and ammunition — the same on 
 inspection being found totally unfit for service, 
 
132 FACTIOUS COUNSELLORS. 
 
 having long rusted in the magazine of the for- 
 tress, even before it was wrested by the Swedes 
 from the magnanimous, but windy Von Polfen- 
 burgh. But I must not omit to mention, that the 
 governor was so well pleased with the services 
 of his faithful squire Van Corlear, in the reduc- 
 tion of this great fortress, that he made hino on 
 the spot lord of a goodly domain in the vicinity 
 of New-Amsterdam — which goes by the name of 
 Corlear's Hook unto this very day. 
 
 The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuy- 
 vesant towards the Swedes, occasioned great 
 surprise in the city of New- Amsterdam — nay, 
 certain of those factious individuals, who had 
 been enlightened by the political meetings that 
 prevailed during the days of William the Testy, 
 but who had not dared to indulge their meddle- 
 some habits, under the eye of their present ruler, 
 now emboldened by his absence, dared even 
 to give vent to their censures in the street. 
 Murmurs were heard in the very council cham- 
 ber of New-Amsterdam ; and there is no knowing 
 whether they would not have broken out into 
 downright speeches and invectives, had not Peter 
 Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking staff, 
 to be laid as a mace on the table of the council 
 chamber, in the midst of his counsellors ; who, 
 like wise men, took the hint, and for ever after 
 held their peace. 
 
A CORPORATION SIMILE. 133 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Shozving the great advantage that the author has 
 over his reader in time of battle — together with 
 divers portentous movements ; which betoken 
 that something terrible is about to happen. 
 
 Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corpo- 
 ration feast the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes 
 his palate, feels his impatient appetite but ten 
 fold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous at- 
 tacks upon the turc^cn, while his voracious eyes, 
 projecting from his head, roll greedily round, de- 
 vouring every thing at table — so did the mettle- 
 some Peter Stuyvesant feel that intolerable hun- 
 ger for martial glory, which raged within his very 
 bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir, 
 and nothing could allay it but the conquest of all 
 New-Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he se- 
 cured his conquest, than he stumped resolutely, 
 on, flushed with success, to gather fresh laurels at 
 Fort Christina.* 
 
 This was the grand Swedish post, established 
 
 * This is at present a flourishing' town called Christiana, 
 or Christeen, about thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, 
 on the post road to Baltimore. 
 
 12* 
 
134 ALWAYS PAUSE BEFORE A BATTLE, 
 
 on a small river (or as it is improperly termedy 
 creek) of the same name ; aiid here that craftj 
 Governor Jan Risingh lay grimly drawn up, like 
 a gray-bearded spider in the citadel of his web. 
 
 But before we hurry into the direful scenes 
 that must attend the meeting of two such potent 
 chieftains, it is advisable that we pause for a mo- 
 ment, and hold a kind of warhke council. Battles 
 should not be rushed into precipitately by the 
 historian and his readers, any more than by the 
 general and his soldiers. The great commanders 
 of antiquity never engaged the enemy, without 
 previously preparing the minds of their followers 
 by animating harangues; spiriting them up to 
 heroic feelings, assuring them of the protection 
 of the gods, and inspiring them with a confidence 
 in the prowess of their leaders. So the historian^ 
 should awaken the attention and enlist the pas- 
 sions of his readers, and having set them all on 
 lire with the importance of his subject, he should 
 put himself at their head, flourish his pen, and 
 lead them on to the thickest of the fight. 
 
 An illustrious example of this rule may be 
 seen in that mirror of historians, the immortal 
 Thucydides. Having arrived at the breaking out 
 of the Peloponnesian war, one of his commenta- 
 tors observes, that "he sounds the charge in all the 
 •• disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues 
 •• the allies on both sides. He awakens our ex- 
 
ADVANTAGE OF HISTORIANS OVER READERS. 135 
 
 " pectations, and fast engages our attention. All 
 " mankind are concerned in the important point 
 " now going to be decided. Endeavours are made 
 *' to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is interest- 
 *' ed in the dispute. The earth totters, and na- 
 " ture seems to labour with the great event. This 
 " is his solemn sublime manner of setting out. 
 " Thus he magnifies a war between two, as Ra- 
 " pin styles them, petty states ^ and thus artfully 
 " he supports a little subject by treating it in a 
 " great and noble method." 
 
 In hke manner, having conducted my readers 
 into the very teeth of peril — having followed the 
 adventurous Peter and his band into foreign re- 
 gions — surrounded by foes, and stunned by the 
 horrid din of arms — at this important moment, 
 while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming 
 chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and 
 prepare them for the events that are to follow. 
 
 And here I would premise one great advantage 
 which, as the historian, I possess over my reader; 
 and this it is, that though I cannot save the life 
 of my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict 
 the event of a battle, (both which liberties, though 
 often taken by the French writers of the present 
 reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scru- 
 pulous historian,) yet I can now and then make 
 him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back stroke 
 sufficient to fell a giant ; though in honest truth, 
 
IS6 PRIVILEGE OF HISTORIAN'S. 
 
 he may never have done any thing of the kind — 
 or I can drive his antagonist clear round and 
 round the field, as did Homer make that fine 
 fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the 
 walls of Tro}' ; for which, if ever they have en- 
 countered one another in the Elysian fields, I'll 
 warrant the prince of poets has had to make the 
 most humhle apology. 
 
 I am aware that many conscientious readers 
 will be ready to cry out '^ foul play !" whenever 
 1 render a little assistance to my hero — but I 
 consider it one of those privileges exercised by 
 historians of all ages — and one which has never 
 been disputed. In fact, an historian is, as it were, 
 bound in honour to stand by his hero — the fame 
 of the latter is entrusted to his hands, and it is 
 his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was 
 there a general, an admiral, or any other com- 
 mander, who, in giving an account of aay battle 
 he had fought, did not sorely belabour the enemy; 
 and I have no doubt that, had my heroes written 
 the history of their own achievements, they 
 would have dealt much harder blows than any 
 that I shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, 
 as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to 
 do them the same justice they would have done 
 themselves ; and if I happen to be a little hard 
 upon the Swedes, I give free leave to any of 
 their descendants, who may write a history of 
 
STAND BY FOR BROKEN MEADS. 137 
 
 the State of Delaware, to take fair retaliation, 
 and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they 
 please. 
 
 Therefore stand by for broken heads and 
 bloody noses ! — my pen hath long itched for a 
 battle — siege after siege have I carried on with- 
 out blows or bloodshed ; but now I have at length 
 got a chance, and I vow to heaven and St. Ni- 
 cholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say 
 what they please, neither Sallast, Livy, Tacitus, 
 Polybius, nor any other historian, did ever record 
 a fiercer fight than that in which my valiant 
 chieftains are now about to engage. 
 
 And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, 
 for your faithful adherence, I could cherish in 
 the warmest corner of my heart — be not un- 
 easy — trust the fate of our favourite Stuyvesant 
 to me — for by the rood, come what may, I'll 
 stick by Hard-kopping Piet to the last; Pll make 
 him drive about these losels vile, as did the re- 
 nowned Launcelot of the lake, a herd of recreant 
 Coraish Knights — and if he does fall, let me 
 never draw my pen to fight another battle, in 
 behalf of a brave man, if 1 dont make these 
 lubberly Swedes pay for it. 
 
 No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before 
 fort Christina than he proceeded without delay 
 to intrelich himself, and immediately on running 
 his first parallel, despatched Antony Van Coriear 
 
1 38 VAN CORLEAR SUMMONS FORT CHRISTINA. 
 
 to summon the fortress to surrender. VanCorlear 
 was received with all due formality, hoodwinked 
 at the portal, and conducted through a pesti- 
 ferous smell of salt fish and onions, to the citadel, 
 a substantial hut built of pine logs. His ejes 
 were here uncovered, and he found himself in 
 the august presence of Governor Risingh. This 
 chieftain, as 1 have before noted, was a very 
 giantly man ; and was clad in a coarse blue coat, 
 strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, 
 which caused the enormous skirts and pockets 
 to set off with a very warlike sweep. His pon- 
 derous legs were cased in a pair of foxy coloured 
 jack boots, and he was straddhng in the attitude 
 of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a bit of broken 
 looking-glass, shaving himself with a villanously 
 dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him 
 to make a series of horrible grimaces, that 
 heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors of his 
 visage. On Antony Van Corlear's being an- 
 nounced, the grim commander paused for a 
 moment, in the midst of one of his most hard 
 favoured contortions, and after eyeing him 
 askance over the shoulder, with a kind of snarl- 
 ing grin on his countenance, resumed his labours 
 at the glass* 
 
 This iron harvest being reaped, he turned 
 once more to the trumpeter, and demanded the 
 purport of his errand. Antony Van Corlear de- 
 
INTERVIEW WITH GOVERNOR RISINGH. 139 
 
 livered in a few words, being a kind of short 
 hand speaker, a long message from his excel- 
 lency, recounting the whole history of the pro- 
 vince, with a recapitulation of grievances, and 
 enumeration of claims, and concluding with a 
 peremptory demand of instant surrender 5 which 
 done, he turned aside, took his nose between his 
 thumb and finger, and blew a tremendous blast, 
 not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance 
 — which it had doubtless learned from a long 
 intimate neighbourhood with that melodious in- 
 strument. 
 
 Governor Ri?ingh heard him through, trumpet 
 and all, but with infinite impatience ; leaning at 
 times, as was his usual custom, on the pommel 
 of his sword, and at times twirhng a huge steel 
 watch chain, or snapping his fingers. Van Corlear 
 having finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter 
 Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the 
 
 D 1, whither he hoped to send him and his 
 
 crew of raggamufiins before supper time. Then 
 unsheathing his brass-hilted sword, and throwing 
 away the scabbard — " Fore gad," quod he, "but 
 I will not sheathe thee again, until I make a 
 scabbard of the smoke-dried, leathern hide of 
 this runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a 
 fierce defiance in the teeth of his adversary, bj 
 the lips of his messenger, the latter was recon- 
 ducted to the portal, with all the ceremonious 
 
140 MURMUR AM9NGST THE TROOPS. 
 
 civility due to the trumpeter, squire and am- 
 bassador of so great a commander, and being 
 again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with 
 a tweak of the nose, to assist him in recollecting 
 his message. 
 
 No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this 
 insolent reply, than he let fly a tremendous volley 
 of red hot execrations, that would infalHbly have 
 battered down the fortifications, and blown up 
 the powder magazine about the ears of the fiery 
 Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably 
 strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving 
 that the works withstood this terrific blast, and 
 that it was utterly impossible (as it really was 
 in those unphilosophic days) to carry on a war 
 with words, he ordered his merry men all to 
 prepare for an immediate assault. But here a 
 strange murmur broke out among his troops, be- 
 ginning with the tribe of the Van Bummels, those 
 vahant trencher men of the Bronx, and spreading 
 from man to man, accompanied with certain 
 mutinous looks and discontented murmurs. For 
 once in his life, and only for once, did the great 
 Peter turn pale, for he verily thought his warriors 
 were going to falter in this hour of perilous trial, 
 and thus tarnish for ever the fame of the pro- 
 vince of New-Nederlands. 
 
 But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that 
 in this suspicion he deeply wronged this most 
 
DINNER BEFORE TflE BATTLE. 141 
 
 nndaunted army ; for the cause of this agitation 
 and uneasiness simply was, that the hour of din- 
 ner was at hand, and it would have almost bro- 
 ken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors, 
 to have broken in upon the invariable routine of 
 their habits. Besides, it was an estabhshed rule 
 among our valiant ancestors, always to fight upon 
 a full stomach, and to tins may be doubtless at- 
 tributed the circumstance that they came to be 
 so renowned in arms. 
 
 And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, 
 and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily en- 
 gaged under the trees, buffeting stoutly with the 
 contents of their wallets, and taking such affec- 
 tionate embraces of their canteens and pottles, as 
 though they verily believed they were to be the 
 last. And as I foresee we shall have hot work in 
 a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same, 
 for which purpose I will bring this chapter to a 
 close; giving them my word of honour, that no 
 advantage shall be taken of this armistice, to sur- 
 prise, or in any wise molest, the honest Ncder- 
 landers. while at their vigorous repast. 
 
 VOL. II. 13 
 
142 EXPECTATION ON STILTS. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded 
 in poetry or prose ^ xoith the admirable exploits 
 of Peter the Headstrong, 
 
 *' Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge re- 
 past," and finding themselves wonderfully en- 
 couraged and animated thereby, prepared to 
 take the field. Expectation, says the writer of 
 the Stuyvesant manuscript — Expectation now 
 «tood on stilts. The world forgot to turn round, 
 or rather stood still, that it might witness the 
 affray ; like a fat round-bellied alderman, watch- 
 ing the combat of twp chivalric flies upon his 
 jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, as usual in such 
 cases, were turned upon Fort Christina. The 
 sun, like a little man in a crowed, at a puppet 
 show, scampered about the heavens, popping his 
 head here and there, and endeavouring to get a 
 peep between the unmannerly clouds that ob- 
 truded themselves in his way. The historians 
 filled their inkhorns^ — the poets went without 
 their dinners, either that they might buy paper 
 and goose-quills, or because they could not get 
 any thing to eat — antiquity scowled sulkily out 
 of its grave, to see itself outdone — while even 
 
CbNDUCTCJF THE HEATHEN DEITIES. 143 
 
 posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy of 
 retrospection, on the eventful field. 
 
 The immortal deities, who whilom had seen 
 service at the " affair" of Troy — now mounted 
 their feather-bed clouds, and sailed over the 
 plain, or mingled among the combatants in dif- 
 ferent disguises, all itching to have a finger in 
 the pie. Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a 
 noted coppersmith, to have it furbished up for 
 the direful occasion. Venus swore by her chas- 
 tity she'd patronize the Swedes, and in semblance 
 of a blear-eyed trull, paraded the battlements 
 of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana, as a 
 sergeant's widow, of cracked reputation. — The 
 noted bully, Mars, stuck two horse pistols into 
 his belt, shouldered a rusty firelock, and gallant- 
 ly swaggered at their elbow as a drunken corpo- 
 ral — while Apollo trudged in their rear, as a 
 bandy-legged fifer, playing most villanously out 
 of tunc. 
 
 On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had 
 gained a pair of black eyes over night, in one of 
 her curtain lectures with old Jupiter, displayed 
 her haughty beauties on a baggage waggon — Mi- 
 nerva, as a brawny gin suttler, tucked up her 
 skirts, brandished her fists, and swore most heroi- 
 cally, in exceeding bad Dutch, (having but lately 
 studied the language) by way of keeping up the 
 spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted as a 
 
144 RISfNGH AND PETER. 
 
 club-footed blacksmith, lately promoted to be a 
 captain of militia. All was silent horror, or 
 bustling preparation ; war reared his horrid front, 
 gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful 
 crest of bristling bayonets. 
 
 And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out 
 their hosts. Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a 
 thousand rocks — incrusted with stockades and 
 entrenched to the chin in mud batteries. His 
 valiant soldiery lined the breast work in grim ar- 
 ray, each having his mustachios fiercely greased, 
 and his hair pomatomed back, and queued so 
 stiffly, that he grinned above the ramparts like 
 a grizzly death's head. 
 
 There came on the intrepid Peter — his brows 
 knit, his teeth set, his fists clenched, almost 
 breathing forth volumes of smoke, so fierce was 
 the fire that raged within his bosom. His faithful 
 squire, Van Corlear, trudged vahantly at his 
 heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with 
 red and yellow ribbands, the remembrances of 
 his fair mistresses at the Manhattoes. Then 
 came waddling on the sturdy chivalry of the 
 Hudson. There were the Van Wycks, and the 
 Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks — the Van Nes- 
 scs, the Van Tassels, the Van Grolls, the .Van 
 Hossens, the Van Giesons, and the Van Blar- 
 coms — The Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the 
 Van Dams ; the Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and 
 
MARSHALLING OF THE HOSTS. 145 
 
 tile Van Brunts. — There were the Van Homes, 
 the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens ; the Van 
 Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bum- 
 mels — The Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, 
 the Vander Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander 
 Pools, and the Vander Spiegels — There came the 
 HofFmans, the Hooghlands, the Hoppers, the 
 Cloppers, the Ryckmans, the Djckmans, the 
 Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the 
 Quackenbosses, theRoerbacks, the Garrebrantzs, 
 the Bensons, the Brouwers, the Waldrons, the 
 Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, the Schermer- 
 horns, the Stoutenburghs, the Brinkerhoffs, the 
 Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hockstras- 
 ers, the Ten Breecheses, and the Tough Breech- 
 eses, with a host more of worthies, whose names 
 are too crabbed to be written, or if they could be 
 written, it would be impossible for man to utter 
 — all fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use 
 the words of a great Dutch poet, 
 
 — " Brimful of wrath and cabbage !" 
 
 For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the 
 midst of his career, and mounting on a stump, 
 addressed his troops in eloquent Low Dutch, ex- 
 horting them to fight like dity-vels^ and assuring 
 them that if they conquered, they should get 
 plenty of booty — if they fell they should be 
 allowed the unparalleled satisfaction, while 
 13* 
 
dying, of reflecting that it was in the service of 
 their country — and after they were dead, of 
 seeing their names inscribed in the temple of re- 
 nown, and handed down, in company with all the 
 other great men of the year, for the admiration 
 of posterity. — Finally, he swore to them, on the 
 word of a governor, (and they knew him too 
 well to doubt it for a moment) that if he caught 
 any mother's son of them looking pale, or playing 
 craven, he'd curry his hide till he made him run 
 out of it hke a snake in spring time. — Then 
 lugging out his trusty sabre, he brandished it 
 three times over his head, ordered Van Corlear 
 to sound a tremendous charge, and shouting the 
 word " St. Nicholas and the Manhattoes !" 
 courageously dashed forwards. His warlike fol- 
 lowers, who had employed the interval in light- 
 ing their pipes, instantly stuck them in their 
 mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged gal- 
 lantly, under cover of the smoke. 
 
 The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning^ 
 Risingh not to tire until they could distinguish 
 the whites of their assailants' eyes, stood in 
 horrid silence on the covert-way, until the eager 
 Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then did 
 they pour into them such a tremendous volley, 
 that the verry hills quaked around, and were 
 terrified even unto an incontinence of water, in- 
 somuch that certain springs burst forth from their 
 
TERRIFIG ONSET. 147 
 
 sides, which continue to run unto the present 
 day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten the 
 dust, beneath that dreadful fire, had not the pro- 
 tecting Minerva kindly taken care that the 
 Swedes should, one and all, observe their usual 
 custom of shutting their eyes and turning away 
 their heads, at the moment of discharge. 
 
 The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping 
 the counterscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon 
 the foe, with furious outcries. And now might be 
 seen prodigies of valour, of which neither history 
 nor song have ever recorded a parallel. Here 
 was beheld the sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff brand- 
 ishing his lusty quarter-staff, like the terrible 
 giant Blanderon his oak tree, (for he scorned to 
 carry any other weapon,) and drumming a hor- 
 rific tune upon the heads of whole squadrons of 
 Swedes. There were the crafty Van Kortlandts, 
 posted at a distance, like the Locrian archers of 
 yore, and plying it most potently with the long 
 bow, for which they were so justly renowned. 
 At another place were collected on a rising knoll 
 the valiant men of Sing-Sing, who assisted mar- 
 vellously in the fight, by chanting forth the 
 great song of St. Nicholas ; but as to the Gar- 
 deniers of Hudson, they were absent from the 
 battle, having been sent out on a marauding 
 party, to lay waste the neighbouring water melon 
 patches. In a different part of the field might be 
 
148 THE COMBAT THICKENS. 
 
 seen the Van Grolls of Anthony's nose ; but they 
 were horribly perplexed in a defile between two 
 little hills, by reason of the length of their noses. 
 There were the Van Bunschotens of Nyack and 
 Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with the left 
 foot, but their skill availed them little at present 
 being short of wind in consequence of the hearty 
 dinner they had eaten, and they would irre- 
 trievably have been put to rout, had they not 
 been reinforced by a gallant corps of Voltigeurs^ 
 composed of the Hoppers, who advanced to their 
 assistance nimbly on one foot. Nor must I omit 
 to mention the incomparable achievements of 
 Antony Van Corlear, who, for a good quarter of 
 an hour, waged stubborn fight with a little pursy 
 Swedish drummer, whose hide he drummed most 
 magnificently; and had he not come into the 
 battle with no other weapon but his trumpet, 
 would infallibly have put him to an untimely end. 
 But now the combat thickened — on came the 
 mighty Jacobus Varra Vanger and the fighting 
 men of the Wallabout; after them thundered the 
 Van Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van 
 Rippers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all 
 before them — then the Suy Dams and the Van 
 Dams, pressing forward with many a blustering 
 oath, at the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, 
 clad in their thunder and lightning gaberdines ; 
 and lastly, the standard bearers and body guards 
 
SUFFERINGS OF NATURE. 14^ 
 
 of Peter Stuyvesant, bearing the great beaver of 
 the Manhattoes, 
 
 And now commenced the horrid din, the 
 desperate struggle, the maddening ferocity, the 
 frantic desperation, the confusion and self 
 abandonment of war. Dutchman and Swede 
 commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. The 
 heavens were darkened with a tempest of 
 missives. Bang! went the guns — whack! struck 
 the broad swords — thump ! went the cudgels — 
 crash ! went the musket stocks — blows — kicks — 
 cuffs — scratches — black eyes and bloody noseS 
 swelling the horrors of the scene! Thick-thwack> 
 cut and hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy^ 
 hurley-burley, head over heels, rough and tum- 
 ble ! Dunder and bhxum ! swore the Dutch- 
 men — splitter and splutter ! cried the Swedes — 
 Storm the works ! shouted Hardkopping Peter — 
 fire the mine! roared stout Risingh — Tanta-ra-ra- 
 ra ! twanged the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear 
 — until all voice and sound became unintelligible 
 — grunts of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of 
 triumph commingling in one hideous clamour. 
 The earth shook as if struck with a paralytic 
 stroke — Trees shrunk aghast, and withered at 
 the sight — Rocks burrowed in the ground like 
 rabbits, and even Christina Creek turned from 
 its course, aiM ran up a mountain in breathless 
 terror ! 
 
150 ADVANCE GF MICHAEL PAW. 
 
 Long hung the conquest doubtful, for though a 
 heavy shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-com- 
 pelhng Jove," in some measure cooled their 
 ardour, as doth a bucket of water thrown on a 
 group of fighting mastiffs, 3 et did they but pause 
 for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the 
 charge, belabouring each other with black and 
 bloody bruises. Just at this juncture was seen a 
 vast and dense column of smoke, slowly rolhng 
 towards the scene of battle, which for a while 
 made even the furious combatants to stay their 
 arms in mute astonishment — but the wind for a 
 moment dispersing the murky cloud, from the 
 midst thereof emerged the flaunting banner of 
 the immortal Michael Paw. This noble chieftain 
 came fearlessly on, leading a sohd phalanx of 
 oyster-fed Pavonians, who had remained behind, 
 partly as a corps de reserve, and partly to digest 
 the enormous dinner they had eaten. These 
 sturdy yeomen, nothing daunted, did trudge 
 manfully forward, smoking their pipes with out- 
 rageous vigour, so as to raise the awful cloud 
 that has been mentioned ; but marching exceed- 
 ingly slow, being short of leg, and of great ro- 
 tundity in the belt. 
 
 And now the protecting deities of the army 
 of New-Amsterdam, having unthinkingly left 
 the field and stept into a negh^uring tavern 
 to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, a dire- 
 
DESTRUCTION OP TOBAecO PIPES. 151 
 
 ful catastrophe had well nigh chanced to befal 
 the Nederlanders. Scarcely had the myrmidons 
 of the puissant Paw attained the front of battle, 
 before the Swedes, instructed by the cunning 
 Risingh, levelled a shower of blows full at their 
 tobacco pipes. Astounded at this unexpected 
 assault, and totally discomfited at seeing their 
 pipes broken, the valiant Dutchmen fell in vast 
 confusion — already they begin to fly — like a 
 frightened drove of unwieldy elephants they 
 throw their own army in an uproar, bearing 
 down a whole legion of little Hoppers — the 
 sacred banner on which is blazoned the gigantic 
 oyster of Communipaw is trampled in the dirt 
 — The Swedes pluck up new spirits, and press- 
 ing on their rear, apply their feet a 'parte poste, 
 with a vigour that prodigiously accelerates their 
 motions — nor doth the renowned Paw himself 
 fail to receive divers grievous and dishonourable 
 visitations of shoe leather ! 
 
 But what, Oh muse ! — was the rage of the 
 gallant Peter, when from afar he saw his army 
 yield ? With a voice of thunder did he roar after 
 his recreant warriors. The men of the Manhat- 
 toes plucked up new courage when they heard 
 their leader — or rather they dreaded his fierce 
 displeasure, of which they stood in more awe 
 than of all the Swedes in Christendom — but the 
 daring Peter, not waiting for their aid, plunged, 
 
152 HEROIC VALOUR OF PETER. 
 
 sword in hand, into the thickest of the foe Then 
 did he display some such incredible achieve- 
 ments as have never been known since the 
 miraculous days of the giants. Wherever he 
 went the enemy shrunk before him — with fierce 
 impetuosity he pushed forward, driving the 
 Swedes, like dogs, into their own ditch — but ae 
 he fearlessly advanced, the foe thronged in his 
 rear, and hung upon his flank with fearful peril. 
 One crafty Swede, advancing w arily on one side, 
 drove his dastard sword full at the hero's heart ; 
 but the protecting power that watches over the 
 safety of all great and good men, turned aside 
 the hostile blade, and directed it to a side pocket, 
 where reposed an enormous iron tobacco box, 
 endowed, like the shield of Achilles, with super- 
 natural powers — no doubt in consequence of its 
 being piously decorated with a portrait of the 
 blessed St. Nicholas. Thus was the dreadful 
 blow repelled, but not without occasioning to 
 the great Peter a fearful loss of wind. 
 
 Like as a furious bear, when gored by curs, 
 turns fiercely round, gnashes his teeth, and 
 springs upon the foe, so did our hero turn upon 
 the treacherous Swede. The miserable variet 
 sought in flight for safety — but th'e active Peter, 
 seizing him by an immeasurable queue, that 
 dangled from his head — " Ah, Whoreson Cater- 
 pillar!" roared he, "here is what shall make 
 
RISINGH JOINS THE FIGHT. 153 
 
 dog's meat of thee !" So saying, he whirled his 
 trusty sword, and made a blow that would have 
 decapitated him, but that the pitying steel struck 
 short, and shaved the queue for ever from his 
 crown. At this very moment a cunning arque- 
 busier, perched on the summit of a neighbour- 
 ing mound, levelled his deadly instrument, and 
 would have sent the gallant Stuyvesant a wail- 
 ing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore — had not 
 the watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to 
 tie up her garter, saw the great peril of her 
 favourite chief, and despatched old Boreas with 
 his bellows ; who, in the very nick of time, just 
 as the match descended to the pan, gave such a 
 lucky blast, as blew all the priming from the 
 touch hole ! 
 
 Thus waged the horrid fight — when the stout 
 Risingh surveying the battle from the top of a 
 httle ravelin, perceived his faithful troops bang- 
 ed, beaten, and kicked by the invincible Peter. 
 Language cannot describe the choler with which 
 he was seized at the sight — he only stopped for 
 a moment to disburthen himself of five thousand 
 anathemas ; and then drawing his immeasurable 
 falchion, straddled down to the field of combat, 
 with gome such thundering strides as Jupiter 
 is said by Hesiod to hav-e taken when he strode 
 down the spheres, to hurl his thunderbolts at 
 the Titans. 
 
 VOL. li. 14 
 
154 HIS DREADFUL COMBAT WITH PETERr 
 
 No sooner did these two rival heroes come 
 face to face than they each made a prodigious 
 start, such as is made by your most experienced 
 stage champions. Then did they regard each 
 other for a moment, with bitter aspect, hke two 
 furious ram cats, on the very point of a clapper- 
 clawing. Then did they throw themselves in one 
 attitude, then in another, striking their swords 
 on the ground, first on the right side, then on 
 the left, at last at it they went with incredible 
 ferocity. Words cannot tell the prodigies of 
 strength and valour displayed on this direful 
 encounter — an encounter, compared to which 
 the far-famed battles of Ajax with Hector, of 
 Eneas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, 
 Guy of Warwick with Col brand the Dane, or 
 of that renowned Welsh Knight, Sir Owen o( 
 the Mountains with the giant Guylon, were all 
 gentle sports and holiday recreations. At length 
 the valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aim- 
 ed a fearful blow, with the full intention of 
 cleaving his adversary to the very chine; but 
 Risingh nimbly raising his sword, warded it oiF 
 so narrowly, that glancing on one side, it shaved 
 away a huge canteen that he alwa}s carried 
 swung on one side ; thence pursuing its tren- 
 chant course, it severed off a deep coat pocket, 
 stored with bread and cheese — all which dain- 
 ties rolling among the armies, occasioned a fear- 
 
Peter's fall, and what broke it. loo 
 
 ful scrambling between the Swedes and Dutch- 
 men, and made the general battle to wax ten 
 times more furious than ever. 
 
 Enraged to see his military stores thus wo- 
 fully laid waste, the stout Risingh collecting all 
 his forces, aimed a mighty blow full at the 
 hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little cocked 
 hat oppose its course ; the biting steel cloVe 
 through the stubborn ram beaver, and would in- 
 fallibly have cracked his crown, but that the 
 scull was of such adamantine hardness, that the 
 brittle weapon shivered into pieces, shedding a 
 thousand sparks, like beams of glory, round his 
 grizly visage. 
 
 Stunned with the blow the valiant Peter reel- 
 ed, turned up his eyes, and beheld fifty thousand 
 suns, besides moons and stars, dancing about 
 the firmament — at. length, missing his footing, b> 
 reason of his wooden leg, down he came, on his 
 seat of honour, with a crash that shook the sur- 
 rounding hills, and would infalhbly have wreck- 
 ed his anatomical system, had he not been re- 
 ceived into a cushion softer than velvet, which 
 Providence, or Minerva, or St. Nicholas, or some 
 kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his 
 reception. 
 
 The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble 
 maxim, cherished by all true knights, that " fair 
 play is a jewel," hastened to take advantage of 
 
156 RETORT Oy RISINGH. 
 
 the hero's fall ; but just as he was stooping to 
 give the fatal blow, the ever vigilant Peter be- 
 stowed him a sturdy thwack over the sconce 
 with his wooden leg, that set some dozen chimes 
 of bells ringing triple bob-majors in his cerebel- 
 lum. The bewildered Swede staggered with the 
 blow, and in the mean time the wary Peter, 
 espying a pocket pistol lying hard by, (which had 
 dropped from the wallet of his faithful squire 
 and trumpeter, Van Corlear during his furious 
 encounter with the drummer,) discharged it full 
 at the head of the reeling Risingh — Let not my 
 reader mistake — it was not a murderous weapon 
 loaded with powder and ball, but a little sturdy 
 stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with a dou- 
 ble dram of true 'Dutch courage, which the 
 knowing Van Corlear always carried about him 
 by way of replenishing his valour. The hideous 
 missive sung through the air, and true to its 
 course, as was the mighty fragment of a rock dis- 
 charged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered 
 the huge head of the gigantic Swede with match- 
 less violence. 
 
 This heaven-directed blow decided the event- 
 ful battle. The ponderous pericranium of Gene- 
 ral Jan Risingh sunk upon his breast ; his knees 
 tottered under him ; a deathlike torpor seized 
 upon his giant frame, and he tumbled to the 
 earth with such tremendous violence, that old 
 
PALL OF FORT CHRISTINA, 157 
 
 Pluto started with affright, lest he should have 
 broken through the roof of his infernal palace. 
 
 His fall was the signal of defeat and victory — 
 The Swedes gave way — the Dutch pressed for- 
 ward ; the former took to their heels, the latter 
 hotly pursued — Some entered with them, pell 
 mell, through the sally port — others stormed the 
 bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. 
 Thus in a little while the impregnable fortress 
 of Fort Christina, which like another Troy had 
 stood a siege of full ten hours, was finally 
 carried by assault, without the loss of a single 
 man on either side. Victory, in the likeness of a 
 gigantic ox fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat 
 of the gallant Stuyvesant, and it was universally- 
 declared, b}' all the writers whom he hired to 
 write the history of his expedition, that on this 
 memorable day he gained a sufficient quantity 
 of glory to immortalize a dozen of the greatest 
 heroes in Christendom ! 
 
 14. 
 
158 OBJECTIONS ANTICIPATED. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 In which the author and the reader^ while repos- 
 ing after the battle^ fall irito a very grave dis- 
 course — after which is recorded the conduct of 
 Peter Stuyvesant after his victory. 
 
 Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finish- 
 ed this tremendous battle : let us sit down, my 
 worthy reader, and cool ourselves, for I am in a 
 prodigious sweat and agitation — Truly this fight- 
 ing of battles is hot work ! and if your great 
 commanders did but know what trouble they 
 give their historians, they would not have the 
 conscience to achieve so many horrible victories. 
 But methinks I hear my reader complain, that 
 throughout this boasted battle, there is not the 
 least slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, 
 if we except the unhappy Swede, who was shorn 
 of his queue by the trencliant blade of Peter 
 Stuyvesant ; all which, he observes, is a great 
 outrage on probability, and highly injurious to 
 the interest of the narration. 
 
 This is certainly an objection of no little mo- 
 ment, but it arises entirely from the obscurity 
 that evelops the remote periods of time, about 
 which I have undertaken to write. Thus, though 
 
THE author's EXCUSE. 159 
 
 doubtless, from the importance of the object, 
 and the prowess of the parties concerned, there 
 must have been terrible carnage, and prodigies 
 of valour displayed before the walls of Christina, 
 yet, notwithstanding that I have consulted every 
 history, manuscript, and tradition, touching this 
 *^'memorable, though long forgotten battle, I can- 
 not find mention made of a single man killed or 
 wounded in the whole affair. 
 
 This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme 
 modesty of our forefathers, who, Hke their de- 
 scendants, were never prone to vaunt of their 
 achievements ; but it is a virtue that places their 
 historian in a most embarrassing predicament ; 
 for, having promised my readers a hideous and 
 unparalleled battle, and having worked them up 
 into a warlike and bloodthirsty state of mind, 
 to put them off without any havoc and slaughter, 
 was as bitter a disappointment as to summon a 
 multitude of good people to attend an execution, 
 and then cruelly baulk them by a reprieve. 
 
 Had the inexorable fates only allowed me 
 some half a score dead men, I had been content ; 
 for I would have made them such heroes as 
 abounded in the olden time, but whose race is 
 now unfortunately extinct. Any one of whom, if 
 we may believe those authentic writers, the 
 poets, could drive great armies like sheep before 
 
160 THE AUTHOR^S DIFFICULTIES. 
 
 him, and conquer and desolate whole cities by his 
 single arm. 
 
 But seeing that I had not a single life at my 
 disposal, all that was left me was to make the 
 most I could of my battle, by means of kicks, and 
 cuffs, and bruises, and such like ignoble wounds. 
 And here I cannot but compare my dilemma, in 
 some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, 
 having arrayed with sublime preparation his 
 immortal hosts against each other, is sadly put 
 to it how to manage them, and how he shall 
 make the end of his battle answer to the begin- 
 ning ; inasmuch as, being mere spirits, he cannot 
 deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh wound 
 to any of his combatants. For my part, the 
 greatest difficulty I found, was, when I had once 
 put my warriors in a passion, and let them loose 
 into the midst of the enemy, to keep them from 
 doing mischief. Many a time had I to restrain, 
 the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigantic Swede 
 to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen 
 little fellows on his sword, like so many spar- 
 rows. — And when T had set some hundred of 
 missives flying in the air, I difl not dare to 
 suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest 
 it should have put an end to some unlucky 
 Dutchman. 
 
 The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it 
 is to a writer, thus in a manner to have his hands 
 
homer's liberties. 161 
 
 tied, and how many tempting opportunities I Iiad 
 to wink at, where I might have made as fine a 
 death blow as any recorded in historjTof song. 
 
 From my own experience, I begin to doubt 
 most potently of the authenticity of many of 
 Homer's stories. I verily believe, that when he 
 had once launched one of his favourite heroes 
 among a crowd of the enemy, he cut down many 
 an honest fellow, w ithout any authority for so 
 doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark — 
 and that often a poor devil was sent to grim Plu- 
 to's domains, merely because he had a name that 
 would give a sounding turn to a period. But I 
 disclaim all such unprincipled liberties — let me 
 but have truth and the law on my side, and no 
 man would fight harder than myself — but since 
 the various records I consulted did not warrant 
 it, I had too much conscience to kill a single sol- 
 dier. — By St. Nicholas, but it would have been 
 a pretty piece of business ! My enemies, the 
 critics, who I foresee will be ready encugh to lay 
 any crime they can discover at my door, might 
 have charged me with murder outright — and I 
 should have esteemed myself lucky to escape 
 with no harsher verdict than manslaughter ! 
 
 And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly 
 sitting down here, smoking our pipes, permit me 
 to indulge in a melancholy reflection which at 
 this moment passes across my mind, — How vain. 
 
162 A MELANCHOLY REFLECTION. 
 
 how fleeting, how uncertain are all those gaudy 
 bubbles after which we are panting and toiling 
 in this worm of fair delusions. The wealth which 
 the miser has amassed with so many weary days, 
 so many sleepless nights, a spendthrift heir may 
 squanderaway in joy less prodigality — The noblest 
 monuments which pride has ever reared to per- 
 petuate a name, the hand of time will shortly 
 tumble into ruins — and even the brightest laurels, 
 gained by feats of arms, may wither and be for 
 ever blighted by the chilling negtect of mankind. 
 — " How many illustrious heroes," says the good 
 Boetius, " who were once the pride and glory 
 of the age, hath the silence of historians buried 
 in eternal obhvion !" And this it was that indu- 
 ced the Spartans when they went to battle, so- 
 lemnly to sacrifice to the muses, supplicating 
 that their achievements should be worthily re- 
 corded. Had not Homer tuned his lofty lyre, 
 observes the elegant Cicero, the valour of Achil- 
 les had remained unsung. And such too, after 
 all the toils and perils he had braved, after all 
 the gallant actions he had achieved, such too had 
 nearly been the fate of the chivalric Peter Stuy- 
 vesant, but that I fortunately stepped in and en- 
 graved his name on the indelible tablet of history, 
 just as the caititf Time was silently brushing it 
 away for ever! 
 
 The more I reflect, the more am T astonished 
 
IMPORTANCE OF THE HISTORIAN. 163 
 
 at the important character of the historian. He 
 is the sovereign censor, to decide upon the renown 
 or infamy of his fellow men — He is the patron of 
 kings and conquerors, on whom it depends whe- 
 ther they shall live in after ages, or be forgotten, 
 as were their ancestors before them. The tyrant 
 may oppress while the object of his tyranny ex- 
 ists, but the historian possesses superior might, 
 for his power extends even beyond the grave. 
 The shades of departed and long forgotten heroes 
 anxiously bend down from above, while he writes, 
 watching each movement of his pen, whether it 
 shall pass by their names with neglect, or inscribe 
 them on the deathless pages of renown. Even 
 the drop of ink that hangs trembling on his pen, 
 which he may either dash upon the floor or waste 
 in idle scrawlings — that very drop, which to him 
 is not worth the twentieth part of a farthing, 
 may be of iAcalculable value to some departed 
 worthy — may elevate half a score, in one mo- 
 ment, to immortality, who would have given 
 worlds, had they possessed them, to ensure the 
 glorious meed. 
 
 Let not my readers imagine, however, that I 
 am indulging in vain-glorious boastings, or am 
 anxious to blazon forth the importance of my 
 tribe. On the contrary, I shrink when I reflect 
 on the awful responsibility we historians assume 
 — I shudder to think what direful commotions 
 
164 HIS AWFUL RESPONSIBILITY. 
 
 and calamities we occasion in the world — I 
 swear to thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I 
 weep at the very idea ! Why, let me ask, are so 
 many illustrious men daily tearing themselves 
 away from the embraces of their families — 
 slighting the smiles of beauty — despising the 
 allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves 
 to the miseries of war? — Why are kings desola- 
 ting empires, and depopulating whole countries ? 
 In short, what induces ail great men, of all ages 
 and countries, to commit so many victories and 
 misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries upon 
 mankind and on themselves, but the mere hope 
 that some historian will kindly take them into 
 notice, and admit them into a corner of his vo- 
 lume. For, in short, the mighty object of all 
 their toils, their hardships, and privations, is 
 nothing but immortal fame — and what is immor- 
 tal fame why, half a page of dirty paper ! 
 
 alas ! alas ! how humiliating the idea — that 
 
 the renown of so great a man as Peter Stuyve- 
 sant should depend upon the pen of so little a 
 man as Diedrich Knickerbocker! 
 
 And now, having refreshed ourselves after the 
 fatigues and perils of the field, it behoves us to 
 return once more to the scene of conflict, and in- 
 quire what were the results of this renowned con- 
 quest. The fortress of Christina being the fair 
 metropohs, and in a manner tlie -key to New- 
 
WHAT IS IMMORTAL TAME. 165 
 
 Sweden, its capture was speedily followed bj 
 the entire subjugation of the |)rovince. This was 
 not a little promoted by the gallant and courte- 
 ous deportment of the chivalric Peter. Though 
 a man terrible in battle, yet in the hour of vic- 
 tory was he endued with a spirit generous, mer- 
 ciful, and humane — He vaunted not over his 
 enemies, nor did he make defeat more galling by 
 unmanly insults ; for like that mirror of knight- 
 ly virtue, the renowned Paladin Orlando, he was 
 more anxious to do great actions, than to talk 
 of them after they were done. He put no man to 
 death ; ordered no houses to be burnt down ; per- 
 mitted no ravages to be perpetrated on the pro- 
 perty of the vanquished, and even gave one of 
 his bravest officers a severe admonishment with 
 his walking staff, for having been detected in the 
 act of sacking a hen roost. 
 
 He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting 
 the inhabitants to submit to the authority of 
 their High Mightinesses ; but declaring, with 
 unexampled clemency, that whoever refused 
 should be lodged, at the public expense, in a 
 goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have 
 an armed retinue to wait on them in the bargain. 
 In consequence of these beneficent terms, about 
 thirty Swedes stepped manfully forward and 
 took the oath of allegiance ; in reward for which 
 they were graciously permitted to remain on the 
 
 VOL. II. 1.5 
 
166 DERIVATION OF BEEKMAN. 
 
 banks of the Delaware, where their descendants 
 reside at this very day. But I am told by divers 
 observant travellers, that they have never been 
 able to get over the chap-fallen looks of their 
 ancestors, and do still unaccountably transmit 
 from father to son manifest marks of the sound 
 drubbing given them by the sturdy Amsterdam- 
 mers. 
 
 The whole country of New-Sweden, having 
 thus yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, 
 was reduced to a colony called South River, and 
 placed under the superintendence of a lieutenant 
 governor; subject to the control of the supreme 
 government at New-Amsterdam. This great 
 dignitary was called Mynher William Beekman, 
 or rather jBec/j-man, who derived his surname, 
 as did Ovidius Naso of yore, from the lordly 
 dimensions of his nose, which projected from 
 the centre of his countenance like the beak of 
 a parrot. He was the great progenitor of the 
 tribe of the Beekmar^s, one of the most ancient 
 and honourable famihcs of the province, the 
 members of which do gratefully commemorate 
 the origin of their dignity, not as your noble 
 families in England would do, by having a glow- 
 ing proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, 
 but by one and all wearing a right goodly nose 
 stuck in the very middle of their faces. 
 
 Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously 
 
Peter's triumphant return. 167 
 
 terminated with the loss of only two men — Wol- 
 fe rt Van Home, a tall spare man, who was 
 knocked overboard by the boom of a sloop, in a 
 fiaAV of wind ; and fat Brom Van Bummel, who 
 was suddenly carried off by an indigestion ; both, 
 however, were immortalized as having bravely 
 fallen in the service of their country. True it 
 is, Peter Stuy vesant had one of his limbs terribly 
 fractured, being shattered to pieces in the act of 
 storming the fortress ; but as it was fortunately 
 his wooden leg, the wound was promptly and 
 effectually healed. 
 
 And now nothing remains to this branch of 
 my histor}^, but to m.ention that this immaculate 
 hero, and his victorious army, returned joyously 
 to the Manhattoes, where they made a solemn 
 and triumphant entry, bearing with them the 
 conquered Risingh, and the remnant of his bat- 
 tered crew, who had refused allegiance. For it 
 appears that the gigantic Swede had only fallen 
 into a swoon at the end of the battle, from 
 whence he was speedily restored by a whole- 
 some tweak of the nose. 
 
 These captive heroes were lodged, according 
 to the promise of the governor, at the public ex- 
 pei^e, in a fair and spacious castle ; being the 
 prison of state, of which Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the 
 immortal conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appoint- 
 
168 FESTIVITY AT NEW-AMSTERDAJf. 
 
 %d governor ; and which has ever since remained 
 iu the possession of his descendants.* 
 
 It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness 
 the joy of the people of New- Amsterdam, at be- 
 holding their warriors once more return from 
 this war in the wilderness. The old women 
 thronged round Antony Van Corlear, who gave 
 the w^hole history o^ the campaign with match- 
 less accuracy ; saving that he took the credit of 
 fighting the whole battle himself, and especially 
 of vanquishing the stout Risingh, which he con- 
 sidered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that 
 it was effected by his own stone pottle. 
 
 The schoolmasters throughout the town gave 
 holiday to their little urchins, who followed in 
 droves after the drums, with paper caps on their 
 heads, and sticks in their breeches, thus taking 
 the first lesson in the art of war. As to the sturdy- 
 rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuy- 
 vesant wherever he went, waving their greasy 
 hats in the air, and shouting " Hard-koppig Piet 
 for ever!" 
 
 It was, indeed, a day of roaring rout and ju- 
 bilee. A huge dinner was prepared at the Stadt- 
 house in honour of the conquerors, where were 
 
 * This castle, tliough very much altered and modern- 
 ized, is stil! 'P. being-, and stands at the corner of Pearl- 
 street, facing- Coenties' slip. 
 
fETER OBTAINS A SURNAME. 16.9-^ 
 
 assembled, in one glorious constellation, the 
 great and the little luminaries of New-Amster- 
 dam. There were the lordly Schout and his ob- 
 sequious deputy — the Burgomasters with their 
 officious Schepens at their elbows — the subal- 
 tern officers at the elbows of the Schepens, and 
 so on to the lowest hanger-on of police ; everj 
 Tag having his Rag at his side, to finish his pipe, 
 drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his flights 
 of immortal dullness. In short — for a city feast 
 is a city feast all the world over, and has been 
 a city feast ever since the creation — the dinner 
 went off much the same as do our great corpo- 
 ration junketings and Fourth of July banquets. 
 Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl were devoured, 
 oceans of liquor drank, thousands of pipes smok- 
 ed, and many a dull joke honoured with much 
 obstreperous fat-sided laughter, 
 
 1 must not omit to mention, that to this far- 
 famed victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for 
 another of his many titles — for so hugely delight- 
 ed were the honest burghers with his achieve- 
 ments,* that they unanimously honoured him 
 with the name of Pieter de Groodt^ that is to 
 say, Peter the Great, or, as it was translated by 
 the people of New-Amsterdam, Piet de Pig — an 
 appellation which he maintained even unto the 
 day of* his death. 
 
 15* 
 
BOOK VIL 
 
 OONTAINING THE THIRD PART OP THE REIGN OF 
 
 PETER THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH 
 
 THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND 
 FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 
 
 CHAPTER L 
 
 Ho7o Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign peo- 
 ple from the burthen of taking care of the na- 
 tion — with sundry particulars of his conduct 
 in time of peace. 
 
 The history of the reign of Peter Stuyvesant 
 furnishes a melancholy picture of the incessant 
 cares and vexations inseparable from govern- 
 ment ; and may serve as a solemn warning to 
 all who are ambitious of attaining the seat of 
 power. Though crowned with victory, enriched 
 by conquest, and returning in triumph to his me- 
 tropohs, his exultation was checked by behold- 
 ing the sad abuses that had taken place* during 
 the short interval of his absence. 
 
POPULAR DISCONTENT. 1.71 
 
 The populace unfortunately for their own 
 comfort, had taken a deep draught of the in- 
 toxicating cup*of power, during the reign of 
 William the Testy ; and though, upon the acces- 
 sion of Peter Stuyvesant, they felt, with a 
 certain instinctive perception, which mobs as 
 well as cattle possess, that the reigns of govern- 
 ment had passed into stronger hands, yet could 
 they not help fretting and chafing and champing 
 upon the bit, in restive silence. 
 
 It seems by some strange and inscrutable 
 fatality, to be the destiny of most countries, 
 (and more especially of your enlightened repub- 
 lics) always to be governed by the most incom- 
 petent man in the nation, so that you will 
 scarcely find an individual throughout the whole 
 community who cannot. point out innumerable 
 errors in administration, and convince you in 
 the end, that had he been at the head of affairs, 
 matters would have gone on a thousand times 
 more prosperously. Strange ! that government, 
 which seems to be so generally understood, 
 should invariably be so erroneously administered 
 — strange, that the talent of legislation, so 
 prodigally bestowed, should be denied to the 
 only man in the nation to whose station it is 
 requisite ! 
 
 Thus it was in the present instance ; not a 
 man of all the herd of pseudo pohticians in New- 
 
17'2 P9EUD0 POLITICIANS. 
 
 Amsterdam but was an oracle on topics of state, 
 and could have directed public affairs incom- 
 parably better than Peter StuHesant. But so 
 severe was the old governor in his disposition, 
 that he would never suffer one of the multitude 
 df able counsellors by whom he was surrounded, 
 to intrude his advice, and save the country from 
 destruction. 
 
 Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his 
 expedition against the Swedes, than the old 
 factions of William Kieft's reign began to thrust 
 their heads above water, and to gather together 
 in political meetings, to discuss " the state of 
 the nation." ^ At these assemblages the busy 
 burgomasters and their officious schepens made 
 a very considerable figure. These worthy digni- 
 taries were no longer the fat, well fed, tranquil 
 magistrates that presided in the peaceful days 
 of Wouter Van Twiller — On the contrary, being 
 elected by the people, they formed in a manner 
 a sturdy bulwark between the mob and the ad- 
 ministration. They were great candidates for 
 popularity, and strenuous advocates for the 
 rights of the rabble ; resembling in disinterested 
 zeal the wide mouth tribunes of ancient Rome, 
 or those virtuous patriots of modern days, em- 
 phatically denominated " the friends of the 
 people." 
 
 Under the tuition of these profound politi- 
 
POLITICAL FACTIONS. 173 
 
 cians, it is astonisliiiig how suddenly enlighten- 
 ed the swinish multitude became in matters 
 above their comprehensions. Cobblers, tinkers, 
 and tailors all at once felt themselves inspired, 
 like those religious idiots, in the glorious times 
 of monkish illumination ; and without any pre- 
 vious study or experience, became instantly ca- 
 pable of directing all the movements of govern- 
 ment. Nor must I neglect to mention a number 
 of superannuated, wrong headed old burghers, 
 who had come over when boys in the crew of 
 the Goede Vrouw, and were held up as infallible 
 oracles by the enlightened mob. To suppose that 
 a man who had helped to discover a country, 
 did not know how it ought to be governed, wa» 
 preposterous in the extreme. It would have been 
 deemed as much a heresy as at the present day 
 to question the political talents and universal 
 infallibility of our old " heroes of '76" — and to 
 doubt that he who had fought for a government, 
 however stupid he might naturally be, was not 
 competent to fill any station under it. 
 
 But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular in- 
 clination to govern his province without the as- 
 sistance of his subjects, he felt highly incensed 
 on his return to find the factious appearance 
 they had assumed during his absence. Mis first 
 measure, therefore, was to restore perfect order, 
 
174 Peter's dignified reproof 
 
 by prostrating the dignity of the sovereign peo- 
 ple. 
 
 He accordingly watched his opportunity, and 
 one evening when the enlightened mob was 
 gathered together, hstening to a patriotic speech 
 from an inspired cobbler, the intrepid Peter all 
 at once appeared among tiiem, with a counte- 
 nance suiiicient to petrify a mill stone. The 
 whole meeting was thrown into consternation — 
 the orator seemed to have received a paralytic 
 stroke in the very middle of a sublime sentence, 
 and stood aghast Avith open mouth and trem- 
 bling knees, while the words horror ! tyranny ! 
 liberty ! rights ! taxes ! death ! destruction ! and 
 a deluge of other patriotic phrases, came roaring 
 from his throat, before he had power to close 
 his lips. The shrewd Peter took no notice of 
 the skulking throng around him, but advancing 
 to the brawling bullj-ruffian, and drawing out 
 a huge silver watch which might have served in 
 times of yore as a town clock, and which is still 
 retained by his descendants as a family curiosi- 
 t}^ ; requested the orator to mend it, and set it 
 going. The orator humbly confessed it was 
 utterly out of his power, as he was unacquainted 
 with the nature of its construction. " Nay, but," 
 said Peter, " try your ingenuity, man ; you see 
 all the springs and wheels, and how easily the 
 clumsiest hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces *, 
 
TO A PATRIOTIC COBBLER. 175 
 
 and why should it not be equally easy to regu- 
 late as to stop it ?" The orator declared that his 
 trade was wholly different — that he was a poor 
 cobbler, and-had never meddled with a watch in 
 his life — That there were men skilled in the art, 
 whose business it was to attend to those matters, 
 but for his part, he should only mar the work- 
 manship, and put the whole in confusion 
 
 " Why harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, 
 turning suddenly upon him, with a countenance 
 that almost petrified the patcher of shoes into a 
 perfect lapstone — " dost thou pretend to meddle 
 with the movements of government — to regu- 
 late, and correct, and patch, and cobble a compli- 
 cated machine, the principles of which are above 
 thy comprehension, and its simplest operations 
 too subtle for thy understanding; when thou 
 canst not correct a trifling error in a common 
 piece of mechanism, the whole mystery of which 
 is open to thy inspection ? — Hence with thee to 
 the leather and stone, which are emblems of thy 
 head, cobble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the 
 vocation for which heaven has fitted thee — But," 
 elevating his voice until it made the welkin 
 ring, " if ever I catch thee, or any of thy tribe, 
 meddling again with affairs of government, by 
 St. Nicholas but I'll have every mother's bastard 
 of ye flay'd ahve, and your hides stretched for 
 drum heads, that ye may thenceforth make a 
 noise to some purpose !" 
 
176 His terrific threat. 
 
 This threat, and the tremendous voice inr 
 which it was uttered, caused the whole multitude 
 to quake with fear. The hair of the orator arose 
 on his head like his own swine's bristles, and 
 not a knight of the thimble present but his heart 
 died within him, and he felt as though he could 
 have verily escaped through the eye of a needle. 
 
 But though this measure produced the desired 
 effect in reducing the community to order, yet 
 it tended to injure the popularity of the great 
 Peter among the enhghtened vulgar. Many ac- 
 cused him of entertaining highly aristocratic 
 sentiments, and of leaning too much in favour 
 of the patricians. Indeed, there appeared to be 
 some ground for such an accusation, as he al- 
 ways carried himself with a very lofty, soldier- 
 like port, and was somewhat particular in his 
 dress ; dressing himself, when not in uniform, in 
 simple, but rich apparel, and was especially 
 noted for having his sound leg (which was a 
 very comely one) always arrayed in a red stock- 
 ing, and high heeled shoe. Though a man of 
 great simplicity of manners, yet there was some- 
 thing about him that repelled rude familiarity, 
 while it encouraged frank, and even social inter- 
 course. 
 
 He likewise observed some appearance of 
 court ceremony and etiquette. He received the 
 
Jeter's court etiquette. 177 
 
 common class of visiters on the stoop^ before 
 his door, according to the custom of our Dutch 
 ancestors. But when visiters were formally re- 
 ceived in his parlour, it was expected they 
 would appear in clean linen ; by no means to be 
 bare footed, and always to take their hats off. 
 On public occasions he appeared with great 
 pomp of equipage, (for, in truth, his station re- 
 quired a little show and dignity,) and always 
 rode to church in a yellow waggon with flaming 
 red wheels. 
 
 These symptoms of state and ceremony oc- 
 casioned considerable discontent among the 
 vulgar. They had been accustomed to find easy- 
 access to their former governors, and in parti- 
 cular had lived on terms of extreme familiarity 
 with William the Testy. They therefore were 
 very impatient of these dignified precautions, 
 which discourage intrusion. But Peter Stuyve- 
 sant had his own way of thinking in these mat- 
 ters, and was a stanch upholder of the digjiity 
 of oftice. 
 
 He always maintained that government (o be 
 the least popular which is most open to popular 
 access and control ; and that the very brawl- 
 ers against court ceremony, and the reserve of 
 
 * Properly spellcfl atoeh : The porch comrr.oTiIy built in. 
 front of Dutch houses, with bericlies on each side. 
 VOL. II. 16 
 
178 WHAT GOVERNMENT THE LEAST POPULAR, 
 
 men in power, would soon despise rulers among 
 whom they found even themselves to be of con- 
 sequence. Such, at least, had been the case with 
 the administration of William the Testj ; who, 
 bent >on making himself popular, had listened to 
 every man's advice, suffered* every body to have 
 admittance to his person at all hours, and, in a 
 word, treated every one as his thorough equal. 
 By this means every scrub politician, and pub- 
 lic busy body was enabled to measure wits with 
 him, and to find out the true dimensions, not 
 only of his person, but his mind — And what 
 great man can stand such scrunity ? — It is the 
 mystery that envelops great men that gives 
 them half their greatness. We are always in- 
 clined to think highly of those who hold them- 
 selves aloof from our examination. There is 
 likewise a kind of superstitious reverence for 
 Oilice, which leads us to exaggerate the merits 
 and abilities of men in power, and to suppose 
 that they must be constituted different from 
 other men. And indeed, faith is as necessary in 
 politics as in religion. It certainly is of the first 
 iaiportance, that a country should be governed 
 by Avise men ; but then it is almost equally im- 
 portant, that the people should believe them to 
 be wise ; for this belief alone can produce wil- 
 ling subordination. 
 
 To keep up, therefore, this desirable confi- 
 dence in rulers, the people should be allowed 
 
MYSTERIES OF GOVERNMENT. 179 
 
 to see as little of them as possible. He who 
 gains access to cabinets soon finds out by what 
 foolishness the world is governed. He discovers 
 that there is quackery in legislation, as well as 
 ill every thing else ; that many a measure, which 
 is supposed by the million to be the result of 
 great wisdom and deep deliberation, is the ef- 
 fect of mere chance, or, perhaps, of harebrained 
 experiment — That rulers have their whims and 
 errors as well as other men, and after all are 
 not so wonderfully superior to their fellow crea- 
 tures as he at lirst imagined; since he finds that 
 even his own opinions have had some weight 
 with them. Thus awe subsides into confidence, 
 confidence inspires familiarity, and familiarity 
 produces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on the 
 contrary, by conducting himself with dignity and 
 loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence. 
 As he never gave his reasons for any thing he 
 did, the public always gave him credit for very 
 profound ones — Every movement, however in- 
 trinsically unimportant, was a matter of specula- 
 tion, and his very red stockings excited some 
 respect, as being different from the stockings of 
 other men. 
 
 To these times may we refer the rise of fami- 
 ly pride and aristocratic distinctions ;* and in- 
 
 * In a work published many years after the time here 
 treated of, (in 1701, by C. W. A. M.) it is mentioned that 
 
180 FAMILY PRIDE. 
 
 deed, I cannot but look back with reverence to 
 the early planting of those mighty Dutch fami- 
 lies, which have taken wSuch vigorous root, and 
 branched out so luxuriantly in our state. ,The 
 blood which has flowed down uncontaminated 
 through a succession of ^eady, virtuous genera- 
 tions since the times of the patriarchs of Commu- 
 nipaw, must certainly be pure and worthy. And 
 if so, then are the Van Rensellaers, the Van 
 Zandts, the Van Homes, the Rutgers, the Ben- 
 sons, the Brinkerhoffs, the Schermerhorns, and 
 all the true descendants of the ancient Pavo- 
 nians, the only legitimate nobility and real lords 
 of the soil. 
 
 I have been led to mention thus particularly 
 the well authenticated claims of our genuine 
 Dutch families, because I have noticed with 
 great sorrow and vexation, that they have been 
 somewhat elbowed aside in latter days by fo- 
 reign intruders. It is really astonishing to behold 
 how many great families have sprung up of ^dte 
 } ears, wha pride themselves excessively on the 
 score of ancestry. Thus he who can look up to Ris 
 father without humiliation assumes not a little 
 importance — he who can safely talk of his grand- 
 father, is still more vain-glorious, but he who 
 
 Frederick P?iilipse was counted the richest Mynher in 
 IVew-York, and was said to have whole hogsheads of Indian 
 money or wampum ; and had a son and daug-hter, who, ac- 
 cording- to the Dutch cus.oin, should divide it equally. 
 
CUSTOM OF CRACKING EGGS. 181 
 
 can look back to his great grandfather without 
 blushing, is absolutely intolerable in his preten- 
 sions to family — bless us ! what a piece of work 
 is here, between these mushrooms of an hour, 
 and these mushrooms of a day ! 
 
 But from what I have recounted in the former 
 part of this chapter, I would not have my reader 
 imagine that the great Peter was a tyrdunical 
 governor, ruling his subjects with a rod of iron 
 — on the contrary, where the dignity of authori- 
 ty was not implicated, he abounded with genero- 
 sity and courteous condescension. In fact, he 
 really believed, though I fear my more enlight- 
 ened repubhcan readers will consider it a proof 
 of his ignorance and illiberality, that in prevent- 
 ing the cup of social life from being dashed with 
 the intoxicating ingredient of politics, he pro- 
 moted the tranquillity and happiness of the peo- 
 ple — and by detaching their minds from sub ects 
 which they could not understand, and which 
 only tended to inflame their passions, he ena- 
 bled them to attend more faithfully and indus- 
 triously to their proper callings; becoming more 
 useful citizens, and more attentive to their fami- 
 lies and fortunes. 
 
 So far from having any unreasonable austeri- 
 ty, he delighted to see the poor and the labour- 
 ing man reoice, and for this purpose was a great 
 promoter of hohdays and pubhc amusements. 
 16* 
 
182 EXHIBITION BY A YOUNG VROUW. 
 
 Under his reign was first introduced the custom 
 of cracking eggs at Paas or Easter. New year's 
 day was also observed with extravagant festivi- 
 ty — and ushered in by the ringing of bells and 
 firing of guns. Every house was a temple to the 
 jolly god — Oceans of cherry brandy, true Hol- 
 lands, and mulled cider were set afloat on the 
 occasion ; and not a poor man in town but made 
 it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of 
 pure economy — taking in liquor enough to serve 
 him for half a year afterwards. 
 
 It would have done one's heart good, also, to 
 have seen the valiant Peter, seated among the 
 old burghers and their wives of a Saturday 
 afternoon, under the great trees that spread 
 their shade over the Battery, watching the young 
 men and women, as they danced on the green. 
 Here he would smoke his pipe, crack his joke, 
 and forget the rugged toils of war, in the sweet 
 oblivious festivities of peace. He would occa- 
 sionally give a nod of approbation to those of 
 the young men who shuffled and kicked most 
 vigorously, and now and then give a hearty 
 smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass 
 that held out longest, and tired down all her 
 competitors, which he considered as infallible 
 proofs of her being the best dancer. Once, it is 
 true, the harmony of the meeting was rather in- 
 terrupted. A young vrouw, of great figure in 
 
183 
 
 the gay world, and who, having lately come from 
 Holland, of course led the fashions in the city, 
 made her appearance in not more than half a 
 dozen petticoats, and these too of most alarm- 
 ing shortness. An universal whisper ran through 
 the assembly, the old ladies all felt shocked in 
 the extreme, the young ladies blushed, and felt 
 excessively for the " poor thing," and even the 
 governor himself was observed to be a little 
 troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment 
 of the good folks, she undertook in the course 
 of a jig, to describe some astonishing figures in 
 algebra, which she had learned from a dancing 
 master at Rotterdam. — Whether she was too 
 animated in flourishing her feet, or whether 
 some vagabond zephyr took the liberty of ob- 
 truding his services, certain it is that in the 
 course of a grand evolution, which would not 
 have disgraced a modern ball room, she made a 
 most unexpected display — whereat the whole 
 assembly was thrown into great admiration, 
 several grave country members were not a little 
 moved, and the good Peter himself, who was a 
 man of unparalleled modesty, felt himself griev- 
 ously scandalized. 
 
 The shortness of the female dresses, which 
 had continued in fashion ever since the days of 
 William Kieft^ had long oifended his eye, and 
 though extremely averse to meddling with the 
 
184 HIS REStRICtlONS IN DANCING. 
 
 petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately re- 
 commended that every one should be furnished 
 with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise order- 
 ed that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, 
 should use no other step in dancing, than shuffle 
 and turn, and double trouble ; and forbade, un- 
 der pain of his higj^ displeasure, anj joung ladj 
 thenceforth to attempt what was termed " ex- 
 hibiting the graces." 
 
 These were the only restrictions he ever im- 
 posed upon the sex, and these were considered 
 by them as tyrannical oppressions, and resisted 
 with that becoming spirit, always manifested by 
 the gentle sex, whenever their privileges are in- 
 vaded. — In fact, Peter Stuyvesant plainly per- 
 ceived, that if he attempted to push the matter 
 any farther, there was danger of their leaving 
 off petticoats altogether ; so hke a wise man, 
 experienced in the ways of women, he held his 
 peace, and suffered them ever after to wear their 
 petticoats and cut their capers as high as they 
 pleased. 
 
REFLECTIONS, 
 
 185 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 H'ozo Peter Stuyvesant zvas much molested hy thh 
 moss troopers of the East, and the Giants of 
 Merryland — and how a dark and horrid con- 
 spiracy zoas carried on in the British Cabinet 
 against the prosperity of the Manhattoes, 
 
 We are now approaching towards the crisis 
 of our work, and if I be not mistaken in my fore- 
 bodings, we shall have a world of business to 
 despatch in the ensuing chapters. 
 
 It is with some communities, as it is with 
 certain meddlesome individuals, they have a 
 wonderful facility at getting into scrapes ; and I 
 have always remarked, that those are most lia- 
 ble to get in, who have the least talent at get- 
 ting out again. This is, doubtless, owing to the 
 excessive valour of those states ; for 1 have like- 
 wise noticed that this rampant and ungoverna- 
 ble quality is always most unruly where most 
 confined ; which accounts for its vapouring so 
 amazingly in little states, little men, and ugly 
 little women especially. 
 
 Thus, when one reflects, that the province of 
 the Manhattoes, though of prodigious importance 
 
IS6 BORDER HOSTILITIES. 
 
 in the ejes of its inhabitants and its historian, 
 was really of no very great consequence in the 
 eyes of the rest of the world 5 that it had bat 
 little wealth or other spoils to reward the trou- 
 ble of assailing it, and that it had nothing to ex- 
 pect from running wantonly into war, save an 
 exceeding good beating. — On pondering these 
 things, I say, one would utterly despair of find- 
 ing in its history either battles or bloodshed, or 
 any other of those calamities wjiich give impor- 
 tance to a nation, and entertainment to the read- 
 er. But, on the contrary, we find, so valiant is 
 this province, that it has already drawn upon 
 itself a host of enemies ; has had as many buf- 
 fettings as would gratify the ambition of the 
 most warhke nation ; and is in, sober sadness, a 
 very forlorn, distressed, and wo-begone little 
 province ! — all which was, no doubt, kindly 
 ordered by providence, to give interest and sub- 
 limity to this pathetic history. 
 
 But I forbear to enter into a detail of the 
 pitiful maraudings and harassments, that for a 
 long while after the victory on the Delaware, 
 continued to insult the dignity, and disturb the 
 repose of the Nederlanders. Sufiice it in brevity 
 to say, that the implacable hostility of the peo- 
 ple of the east, which had so miraculously been 
 prevented from breaking out, as my readers 
 must remember, by the sudden prevalence of 
 
INVASIONS TROM CONNECTICUT. 187 
 
 witchcraft, and the dissentions in the council of 
 Amphyctions, now again displayed itself in a 
 thousand grievous and bitter scourings upon the 
 borders. 
 
 Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch 
 settlements on the frontiers were alarmed by 
 the sudden appearance of an invading army 
 from Connecticut. This would advance resolute- 
 ly through the country, like a puissant caravan 
 of the deserts, the women and children mounted 
 in carts loaded with pots and kettles, as though 
 they meant to boil the honest Dutchmen alive, 
 and devour them like so many lobsters. At the 
 tail of these carts would stalk a crew of long 
 limbed, lank-sided varlets, with axes on their 
 shoulders and packs on their backs, resolutely 
 bent upon improving the country in despite of 
 its proprietors. These settling themselves down, 
 would in a short time completely dislodge the 
 unfortunate Nederlanders ; elbowing them out 
 of thos^ rich bottoms and fertile valleys, in which 
 our Dutch yeomanry are so famous for nestling 
 themselves — For it is notorious, that wherever 
 these shrewd men of the east get a footing, the 
 honest Dutchmen do gradually disappear, reti- 
 ring slowly, like the Indians before the whites ; 
 being totally discomfited by the talking, chaffer- 
 ing, swapping, bargaining disposition of their new 
 neighbours. 
 
IBt fendal's roaring boys. 
 
 All these audacious infringements on the ter- 
 ritories of their High Mightinesses were accom- 
 panied, as has before been hinted, by a world of 
 rascally brawls, ribroastings,and bundlings, which 
 would doubtless have incensed the valiant Peter 
 to wreak immediate chastisement, had he not at 
 the very same time been perplexed by distress- 
 ing accounts from Mynher Beckman, who com- 
 manded the territories at South river. 
 
 The restless Swedes, who had so graciously 
 ^)een suffered te remain about the Delaware, 
 already began to show signs of mutiny and dis- 
 affection. But what was worse, a peremptory 
 claim was laid to the whole territory, as the 
 rightful property of Lord Baltimore, by Feudal, 
 a chieftain who ruled over the colony of Mary- 
 land, or Merry-land, as it was anciently called, 
 because that the inhabitants, not having the fear 
 of the Lord before their eyes, were notoriously 
 prone to get fuddled and make merry with mint 
 julep and apple toddy. Nay, so hostile v'as this 
 bully Feudal, that he threatened, unless his 
 claim were instantly complied with, to march 
 incontinently at the head of a potent.force of the 
 i-oaring boys of Merryland, together with a great 
 and mighty train of giants, who infested the 
 banks of the Susquehanna* — and to lay waste 
 
 * We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these 
 strange people (wjjo were doubtless tlie ancestors of the 
 
BANGER OF EXTENDED CONQUESTS. 189 
 
 and depopulate the whole country of South 
 river. 
 
 By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, 
 like all great acquisitions of territory, soon be- 
 came a greater evil to the conqueror than the 
 loss of it was to the conquered ; and caused 
 greater uneasiness and trouble than all the ter- 
 ritory of the New-Netherlands besides. Thus 
 Providence wisely orders that one evil shall 
 balance another. The conqueror who wrests the 
 property of his neighbour, who wrongs a nation 
 and desolates a country, though he may acquire 
 increase of empire, and immortal fame, yet en- 
 sures his own inevitable punishment. He takes 
 to himself a cause of endless anxiety — he in- 
 corporates with his late sound domain a loose 
 part — a rotten disaffected member ; which is an 
 exhaustless source of internal treason and dis- 
 
 present Marylanders) made by Master Hariot, in his inter- 
 esting history. " The Susquesahanocks," observes he, 
 " are a giantly people, strange in proportion, behaviour, 
 and attire — their voice sounding from them as if out of a 
 cave. Their tobacco pipes were three quarters of a yard 
 long, carved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other 
 device, sufficient to beat out Ihe braines of a horse, (and 
 how many asses braines are beaten out, or rather men's 
 braines smoked out, and asses braines haled in, by our less- 
 er pipes at honjc.) The calfe of one of their legges mea- 
 sured three quarters of a yard about, the rest of his 
 limbs proportionable." — Master HarioVs Journ, Purch. 
 Pil. 
 
 VOL. II. 17 
 
190 OCCUPATION OF PETER. 
 
 union, and external altercation and hostility 
 — Happy is that nation, which compact, united, 
 loyal in all its parts, and concentrated in its 
 strength, seeks no idle acquisition of unprofitable 
 and ungovernable territory — which, content to 
 be prosperous and happy, has no ambition to be 
 great. It is hke a man well organized in his sys- 
 tem, sound in health, and full of vigour ; unin- 
 cumbered by useless trappings, and fixed in an 
 unshaken attitude. But the nation, insatiable of 
 territory, whose domains are scattered, feebly 
 united, and w^eakly organized, is like a senseless 
 miser sprawling among golden stores, open to 
 every attack, and unable to defend the riches he 
 vainly endeavours to overshadow. 
 
 At the time of receiving the alarming despatch- 
 es from South river, the great Peter was busily 
 employed in quelling certain Indian troubles that 
 had broken out about Esopus, and was moreover 
 meditating how to relieve his eastern borders on 
 the Connecticut. He, however, sent word to 
 Mynher Beckman to be of good heart, to main- 
 tain incessant vigilance, and to let him know^ if 
 matters wore a more threatening appearance ; 
 in which case he w^ould incontinently repair with 
 his warriors of the Hudson, to spoil the merri- 
 ment of these Merry-landers ; for he coveted ex- 
 ceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some 
 half a score of these giants — having never en- 
 
bECEITFUL CALM IN THE SOUTH. 19 J 
 
 countered a giant in his whole hfe, unless we may 
 so call the stout Risingh, and he was but a httle 
 one. 
 
 Nothing farther, however, occurred to molest 
 the tranquillity of Mynher Beckman and his cer- 
 lony. Fendal and his myrmidons remained at 
 home, carousing it soundly upon hoe cakes, bacon, 
 and mint julep, and running horses, and fighting 
 cocks, for which they were greatly renowned.— 
 At hearing of this Peter Stuyvesant was very well 
 pleased, for notwithstanding his inclination to 
 measure weapons with these monstrous men of 
 the Susquehanna, yet he had already as much 
 employment nearer home as he could turn his 
 hands to. Little did he think, worthy soul, that 
 this southern calm was but the deceitful prelude 
 to a most terrible and fatal storm, then brewing, 
 which was soon to burst forth and overwhelm 
 the unsuspecting city of New-Amsterdam ! 
 
 Now so it was, that while this excellent gover- 
 lioi* was giving his little senate laws, and not only 
 giving them, but enforcing them too — while he 
 was incessantly travelling the rounds of his be- 
 loved province — posting from place to place to 
 redress grievances, and while busy at one corner 
 of his dominions all the rest getting into an up- 
 roar. — At this vei'y time, I say, a dark and direful 
 plot was hatching against him, in that nursery of 
 monstl-ous projects, the British cabinet. The 
 
192 PLOT OF THE BRITISH CABINET. 
 
 news of his achievements on the Delaware, ac- 
 cording to a sage old historian of New-Amster- 
 dam, had occasioned not a little talk and marvel 
 in the courts of Europe. And the same profound 
 writer assures us that the cabinet of England 
 began to entertain great jealousy and uneasiness 
 at the increasing power of the Manhattoes, and 
 the valour of its sturdy yeomanry. 
 
 Agents, the same historian observes, were sent 
 by the Amphyctionic council of the east to en- 
 treat the assistance of the British cabinet in sub- 
 jugating this mighty province. Lord Sterhng 
 also asserted his right to Long-Island, and, at the 
 same time, Lord Baltimore, whose agent, as has 
 befi>re been mentioned, had so alarmed Mynher 
 Beckman, laid his claim before the cabinet to 
 the lands of South river, which he complained 
 were unjustly and forcibly detained from him, by 
 these daring usurpers of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. 
 
 Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhat- 
 toes stand in imminent danger of experiencing 
 the fate of Poland, and being torn limb from 
 limb to be shared among its savage neighbours. 
 But while these rapacious powers were whetting 
 their fangs, and waiting for the signal to fall 
 tooth and nail upon this delicious little fat 
 Dutch empire, the lordly lion, who sat as umpire, 
 all at once settled the claims of all parties, by 
 laying his own paw upon the spoil. For we are 
 
193 
 
 told, that his majesty, Charles the Second, not 
 to be perplexed by adjusting these several pre- 
 tensions, made a present of a large tract of 
 North America, including the province of New- 
 Netherlands, to his brother, the Duke of York 
 — a donation truly royal, since none but great 
 monarchs have a right to give away what does 
 not belong to them. 
 
 That this munificent gift might not be merely 
 nominal, his majest}^, on the 12th of March, 
 1664, ordered that an armament should be forth- 
 with prepared, to invade the city of New-Am- 
 sterdam by land and water, and put his brother 
 in complete possession of the premises. 
 
 Thus critically are situated the affairs of the 
 New-Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so 
 far from thinking of the jeopardy in which their 
 interests are placed, are soberly smoking their 
 pipes, and thinking of nothing at all — the privy 
 counsellors of the province are at this moment 
 snoring in full quorum, while the active Peter, 
 who takes all the labour of thinking and acting 
 upon himself, is busily devising some method of 
 bringing the grand council of Amphyctions to 
 terms. In the mean while an angry cloud is 
 darkly scowling on the horizon — soon shall it 
 rattle about the ears of these dozing Nederland- 
 ers, and put the mettle of their stout-hearted go- 
 vernor completely to the trial. 
 17* 
 
194 THE AUTHOR SOUNDS A CHARGE. 
 
 But come what may, I here pledge my veracity 
 that in all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexi- 
 ties, he shall still acquit himself with the gallant 
 bearing and spotless honour of a noble minded 
 obstinate old cavalier — Forward then to the 
 charge ! — shine out propitious stars on the re- 
 nowned city of the Manhattoes ; and may the 
 blessing of St. Nicholas go with thee — honest 
 Peter Stiiyvesant ! 
 
ADVERSITY THE CAUSE OF GLORY. 195 
 
 CHAPTER IIL 
 « 
 
 Of Peter Stuyvesant'^s expedition into the East 
 Country, showing that though an old bird, he 
 did hot understand trap. 
 
 Great nations resemble great men in this 
 particular, that their greatness is seldom known 
 until they get in trouble ; adversity, therefore, 
 has been wisely denominated the ordeal of true 
 greatness, which, like gold, can never receive its 
 real estimation, until it has passed through the 
 furnace. In proportion, therefore, as a nation, a 
 community, or an individual (possessing the in- 
 herent quality of greatness) is involved in perils 
 and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in 
 grandeur — and even when sinking under cala- 
 mity, makes, like a house on fire, a more glori- 
 ous display than ever it did in the fairest period 
 of its prosperity. 
 
 The vast empire of China, though teeming 
 with population and imbibing and concentrating 
 the wealth of nations, has vegetated through a 
 succession of drowsy ages; and were it not for its 
 internal revolution, and the subversion of its an- 
 cient government by the Tartars, might have pre- 
 
196 IMPORTANCE OF CALAMITIES. 
 
 sented nothing but an uninteresting detail of 
 dull, monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and Her- 
 culaneum might have passed into oblivion, with 
 a herd of their contemporaries, if they had not 
 been fortunately overwhelmed by a volcano. The 
 renowned city of Troy has acquired celebrity 
 only from its ten years distress, and final con- 
 flagration — Paris rises in importance by the 
 plots and massacres which have ended in the ex- 
 altation of the illustrious Napoleon — and even 
 the mighty London itself has sculked through 
 the records of time, celebrated for nothing of 
 moment, excepting the plague, the great fire, and 
 Guy Faux's gunpowder plot ! — Thus cities and 
 empires seem to creep along, enlarging in silent 
 obscurity under the pen of the historian, until 
 at length they burst forth in some tremendous 
 calamity — and snatch, as it were, immortality 
 from the explosion ! 
 
 The above principle being admitted, my read- 
 er will plainly perceive that the city of New- 
 Amsterdam and its dependent province are on 
 the high road to greatness. Dangers and hosti- 
 lities threaten from every side, and it is really 
 a matter of astonishment to me, how so small a 
 state has been able, in so short a time, to entan- 
 gle itself in so many difficulties. Ever since the 
 province was first taken by the nose, at the Fort 
 of Good Hope, in the tranquil days of Wouter 
 
Peter's romantic resolution. 197 
 
 Van Twiller, has it been gradually increasing 
 in historic importance ; and never could it have 
 had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to 
 the pinnacle of grarfdeur than Peter Stuyvesant. 
 
 In the fiery heart of this is-on-headed old war- 
 rior sat enthroned all those five kinds of courage 
 described by Aristotle, and had the philosopher 
 mentioned five hundred more to the back of 
 them, I verily believe he would have been found 
 master of them all — The only misfortune was, 
 that he was deficient in the better part of valour 
 called discretion, a cold blooded virtue which 
 could not exist in the tropical climate of his 
 mighty soul. Hence it was, he was continually 
 hurrying into those unheard of enterprises that 
 give an air of chivalric romance to all his history, 
 and hence it was that he now conceived a pro- 
 ject worthy of the hero of La Mancha himself. 
 
 This was no other than to repair in person to 
 the great council of the Amphyctions, bearing 
 the sword in one hand and the olive branch in 
 the other — to require immediate reparation for 
 the innumerable violations of that treaty which 
 ill an evil hour he had formed — to put a stop to 
 those repeated maraudings on the eastern bor- 
 ders — or else to throw his gaunlet and appeal to 
 arms for satisfaction. 
 
 On declaring this resolution in his privy 
 council, the venerable members were seized with 
 
198 ASTONISHMENT OF HIS PRIVY COUNCIL. 
 
 vast astonishment; for once in their lives they 
 ventured to remonstrate, setting forth the rash- 
 ness of exposing his sacred person in the midst 
 of a strange and barbarous *people, with sundry 
 other weighty remonstrances — all which had 
 about as much influence upon the determination 
 of the headstrong Peter, as though you were to 
 endeavour to turn a rusty weathercock with a 
 broken winded bellow^s. 
 
 Summoning, therefore, to his presence, his 
 trusty follower, Antony Van Corlear, he com- 
 manded him to hold himself in readiness to ac- 
 company him the following morning, on this his 
 hazardous enterprise. Now Antony the trumpet- 
 er was a little stricken in years, yet by dint of 
 keeping up a good heart, and having never known 
 care or sorrow, (having never been married,) he 
 was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, gamesome 
 wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. Thig 
 last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those 
 domains at the Hook, which Peter Stuyvesant 
 had granted to him for his gallantry at Fort Ca- 
 simir. 
 
 Be this as it may, there was nothing that more 
 delighted Antony than this command of the 
 great Peter, for he could have followed the stout 
 hearted old governor to the world's end with 
 love and loyalty — and he moreover still remem- 
 bered the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, 
 
HE SETTETfl FORTH. 199 
 
 and other disports of the east country, and en- 
 tertained dainty recollection of numerous kind 
 and buxom lasses, whom he longed exceedingly 
 again to encounter. 
 
 Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set 
 forth, with no other attendant but his trumpeter, 
 upon one of the most perilous enterprises ever 
 recorded in the annals of knight errantry. — 
 For a single warrior to venture openly among a 
 whole nations of foes; but, above all, for a plain 
 downright Dutchman to think of negotiating with 
 the whole council of New-England — never was 
 there known a more desperate undertaking ! — 
 Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of 
 this peerless but hitherto uncelebrated chieftain, 
 has he kept me in a state of incessant action 
 and anxiety with the toils and dangers he is con- 
 stantly encountering — Oh ! for a chapter of the 
 tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I 
 might repose on it as on a feather bed ! 
 
 Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have 
 once already rescued thee from the machinations 
 of these terrible Amphyctions, by bringing the 
 whole powers of witchcraft to thine aid ? — Is it 
 jiot enough, that I have followed thee undaunt- 
 ed, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the 
 horrid battle of fort Christina? — That I have 
 been put incessantly to my trumps to keep thee 
 safe and sound — now warding off with my sin*- 
 
208 Peter's charger 
 
 gle pen the shower of dastard blows that fell 
 upon thy rear — now narrowly shielding thee 
 from a deadly thrust, by a mere tobacco box — 
 now casing thy dauntless scull with adamant, 
 when even thy stubborn ram beaver failed to re- 
 sist the sword of the stout Risingh — and now, 
 not merely bringing thee off alive, but triumphant, 
 from the clutches of the gigantic Swede, by the 
 desperate means of a paltry stone pottle ? — Is 
 not all this enough, but must thou still be plung- 
 ing into new difficulties, and jeopardizing in 
 headlong enterprises, thyself, thy trumpeter, and 
 thy historian ! 
 
 And now the ruddy faced Aurora, like a buxom 
 chamber-maid, draws aside the sable curtains of 
 the night, and out bounces from his bed the jolly 
 red-haired Phoebus, startled at being caught so 
 late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With 
 many a stable oath, he harnesses his brazen- 
 footed steeds, and whips and lashes, and splashes 
 up the firmament, like a loitering post boy, half 
 an hour behind his lime. And now behold that 
 imp of fame and prowess the headstrong Peter, 
 bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed charger, 
 gallantly arrayed in full regimentals, and bracing 
 on his thigh that trusty brass hilted sword, which 
 had wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of 
 tlie Delaware. 
 
 Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter 
 
AND Antony's mare. 2ai 
 
 Van Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall- 
 eyed, calico mare ; his stone pottle, which had 
 laid low the mighty Risingh, slung under his arm, 
 and his trumpet displayed vauntingly in his right 
 hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on 
 which is emblazoned the great beaver of the Man- 
 hattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the 
 city gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with 
 his faithful squire at his heels, the populace fol- 
 lowing them with their eyes, and shouting many 
 a parting wish and hearty cheering. — Farewell, 
 Hard-koppig Piet ! Farewell, honest Antony ! — 
 Pleasant be your way-faring — prosperous your 
 return ! The stoutest hero that ever drew a 
 sword, and the worthiest trumpeter that ever 
 trod shoe leather. 
 
 Legends are lamentably silent about the events 
 that befel oujr adventurers in this their adven- 
 turous travel, excepting the Stuyvesant manu- 
 script, which gives the substance of a pleasant 
 little heroic poem, written on the occasion by 
 Domini jEgidius Luyck,* who appears to have 
 been the poet laureat of New- Amsterdam. This 
 inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was 
 a rare spectacle to behold tlie great Peter and 
 
 * This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin School 
 in Nieuw-Nederlandt, 1G63. There are two pieces ad- 
 dressed to iEgidiiis Luyck, in D. Selyu's MSS. of poesies, 
 upon his marriage with Judith Isendoorn. Okl MS. 
 VOL. 11. 18 
 
202 BLOEMEN DAEL. 
 
 his loyal follower, hailing the morning sun, and 
 rejoicing in the clear countenance of nature, as 
 they pranced it through the pastoral scenes of 
 Bloemen Dael ;* whicji, in those days, was a 
 sweet and rural valley, beautified with many a 
 bright wild flower, refreshed by many a pure 
 streamlet, and enhvened here and there by a 
 delectable httle Dutch cottage, sheltered under 
 some sloping hill, and ahnost buried in embower- 
 ing trees. 
 
 Now did they enter upon the confines of Con- 
 necticut, where they encountered many griev- 
 ous difliculties and perils. At one place they 
 were assailed by a troop of country squires and 
 militia colonels, who mounted on goodly steeds, 
 hung upon their rear for several miles, harass- 
 ing them exceedingly with guesses and ques- 
 tions, more especially the worthy Peler, whose 
 silver chased leg excited not a little marvel. 
 At another place hard by the renowned town 
 of Stamford, they were set upon by a great 
 and mighty legion of church deacons, who im- 
 periously demanded of them five shillings, for 
 1 ravelling on Sunday, and threateiied to carry 
 them captive to a neighbouring church, whose 
 steeple peered above the trees ; but these the 
 valiant Peter put to rout with little ditHculty, 
 
 * Now call-ed Blooming- Dale, about four miles from 
 New-York. 
 
THEIR PERILOUS PROGRESS. 203 
 
 insoinaeh that they bestrode their canes and ^ai- 
 lopped OiT ill horrible confusion, leaving their 
 cocked hats behind in the hurry of their flight. 
 But not so easily did he escape from the hands 
 of a crafty man of Pyquag ; wlio, with undaunted 
 perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargain- 
 ed him out of 1^ goodly switch-tailed charger, 
 leaving in place thereof a villanous, foundered 
 Naraganset pacer. 
 
 But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued 
 their journey cheerily aloni^ the coui-se of the 
 soft flowing Connecftcut, whose gentle waves, 
 says the song, roll through n\any a fertile vale 
 and sunny plain ; now reflecting the lofty spires 
 of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties 
 of the humble hamlet ; now echoing with the 
 busy hum of commerce, and now with the cheer- 
 ful song of the peasant. 
 
 At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who 
 was noted for v/arlike punctiho, order the sturdy 
 Antony to sound a courteous salutation ; though 
 the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants 
 were thrown into great dismay when they heard 
 of his approach. For the fame of his incompa- 
 rable achievements on the Delaware, had spread 
 thi-oughout the east country, and they dreaded 
 lest he had come to take vengeance on their 
 manifold transgressions. 
 
204 HOW THEY WERE RECEIVED. 
 
 But the good Peter rode through these towns 
 with a sniihng aspect ; waving his hand with in- 
 expressible majesty and condescension ; for he 
 verily beheved that the old clothes which these 
 ingenious people had thrust into their broken, 
 windows, and the festoons of dried apples and 
 peaches which ornamented ttft fronts of their 
 houses, were so many decorations in honour of 
 his approach ; as it was the custom in the days 
 of chivalry, to compliment renowned heroes, by 
 sumptuous displavf^of tapestry and gorgeous fur- 
 niture. The wotfi-en crow^ded to the doors to 
 gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prow- 
 ess in arms delight the gentle sex. The little 
 children too, ran after him in troops, staring 
 with wonder at his regimentals, his brimstone 
 breeches, and the silver garniture of his wooden 
 leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy which 
 many strapping wenches betrayed at beholding 
 the jovial Van Corlear, who had whilom delight- 
 ed them so much with his trumpet, when he bore 
 the great Peters challenge to the Amphyctions. 
 The kind-hearted Antony ahghted from his 
 calico mare, and kissed them all with infinite 
 loving-kindness — and was right pleased to see a 
 crew of little trumpeters crowding around him 
 for his blessing ; each of whom he patted on the 
 head, bade him be a good boy, and gave him a 
 penny to buy molasses candy. 
 
205 
 
 The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little 
 farther mention of the governor's adventures 
 upon this expedition, excepting that he was re- 
 ceived with extravagant courtesy and respect by 
 the great council of the Amphyctions, who almost 
 talked him to death with complimentary and con- 
 gratulatory harangues. I will not detain my 
 readers by dwelling on his negotiations with 
 the grand council. Suffice it to mention, it was 
 like all other negotiations — a great deal was 
 said, and very little done : one conversation led 
 to another — one conference begat misunder- 
 standings which it took a dozen conferences to 
 explain ; at the end of which the parties found 
 themselves just where they were at first ; except- 
 ing that they had entangled themselves in a 
 host of questions of etiquette, and conceived a 
 cordial distrust of each other, that rendered 
 their future negotiations ten times more difficult 
 than ever,* 
 
 In the midst of all these perplexities, which 
 bewildered the brain and incensed the ire of the 
 sturdy Peter, who was perhaps, of all men in 
 the world, least fitted for diplomatic wiles, he 
 privately received the first intimation of the 
 
 * For certain of the particulars of this ancient negotia- 
 tion, see Haz. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith 
 is entirely silent with respect to this memorable expedi- 
 tion of Peter Stuyvesant. 
 
 18* 
 
206 HIS IMMINENT JEOPARDY. 
 
 dark ronsplracy which had been matured in the 
 Cabinet of England. To this was added the 
 astounding intelligence that a hostile squadron 
 had already sailed from England, destined to re- 
 duce the province of New-Netherlands, and that 
 the grand council of Amphyctions had engaged 
 to co-operate, by sending a great army to invade 
 New-Amsterdam by land. 
 
 Unfortunate Peter ! did I not enter with sad 
 forebodings upon this ill-starred expedition ! 
 did I not tremble when I saw thee, with no other 
 counsellor but thine own head, with no other ar- 
 mour but an honest tongue, a spotless conscience, 
 and a rusty sword ! with no other protector but 
 St. Nicholas — -and no other attendant but a trum- 
 peter — did I not tremble when I beheld thee 
 thus sally forth to contend with all the knowing 
 powers of New-England. 
 
 Oh, how did the sturdy old warrior rage and 
 roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like 
 a lion in the hunter's toil. Now did he determine 
 to draw his trusty sword, and manfully to fight 
 his way through all the countries of the east. — 
 Now did he resolve to break in upon the council 
 of the Amphyctions and put every mother's son 
 of them to death. At length, as his direful wrath 
 subsided, he resorted to safer though less glori- 
 ous expedients. 
 
 Concealing from the council his knowledge 
 of their machinations, he privately despatched 
 
NEW-AMSTERDAM IN AN UPROAR. 207 
 
 a trusty messenger, with missives to his coun- 
 sellors at New-Amsterdam, apprizing them of 
 the impending danger, commanding them im- 
 mediately to put the city in a posture of defence, 
 while in the mean time he would endeavour to 
 elude his enemies and come to their assistance. 
 This done, he felt himself marvellously relieved, 
 rose slowly, shook himself hke a rhinoceros, and 
 issued forth from his den, in much the same man- 
 ner as Giant Despair is described to have issued 
 from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history 
 of the Pilgrim's Progress. 
 
 And now much does it grieve me that I must 
 leave the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopar- 
 dy : but it behoves us to hurry back and see 
 what is going on at New- Amsterdam, for great- 
 ly do I fear that city is already in a turmoil. 
 Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant ; 
 while doing one thing with heart and soul, he 
 was too apt to leave every thing else at sixes 
 and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he 
 was absent, attending to those things in person, 
 which in modern days are trusted to generals 
 and ambassadors, his little territory at home was 
 sure to get in an uproar — All which was owing 
 to that uncommon strength of intellect which 
 induced him to trust to nobody but himself, and 
 which had acquired him the renowned appella- 
 tion of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
208 UPROAR OF WAR. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 How the people of New-Amsterdam were thrown 
 into a great panic, by the news of a threatened 
 invasion, and the manner in which they forti- 
 fied themselves, 
 
 Thbre is no sight more truly interesting to 
 a philosopher, than to contemplate a community, 
 where every individual has a voice in public 
 affairs, where every individual thinks himself the 
 atlas of the nation, and where every individual 
 thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good of 
 his country — I say, there is nothing more inter- 
 esting to a philosopher, than to see such a com- 
 munity in a sudden bustle of war. Such a clamour 
 of togues — such a bawHng of patriotism — such 
 running hither and thither — every body in a 
 hurry— every body up to the ears in trouble — 
 every body in the way, and ii\eYj body interrupt- 
 ing his industrious neighbour — -who is busily em- 
 ployed in doing nothing ! It is like witnessing a 
 great fire, where every man is at work like a 
 hero — some dragging about empty engines — 
 others scampering with full buckets, and spill- 
 ing the contents into the boots of their neigh- 
 bours — and others ringing the church bells all 
 night, by way of putting out the fire. Little 
 
ALL IN A BUSTLE. 
 
 209 
 
 liremen — like sturdy little knights storming a 
 breach, clambering up and down scahng ladders, 
 and bawhng through tin trumpets, by way of 
 directing the attack — Here one busy fellow, in 
 his great zeal to save ihe property of the unfor- 
 tunate, catches up an anonymous chamber uten- 
 sil, and gallants it off with an air of as much 
 self-importance, as if he had rescued a pot of 
 money — another throws looking glasses and 
 china out of the window, to save them from the 
 flames, whilst those who can do nothing else, to 
 assist the great calamity, run up and down the 
 streets with open throats, keeping up an inces- 
 sant cry of Fire ! Fire ! Fire ! 
 
 " When the news arrived at Sinope," says 
 the grave and profound Lucian — though 1 own 
 the story is rather trite, " that Philip was about 
 to attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into 
 violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms ; 
 others rolled stones to build up the walls — every 
 body, in short, was employed, and every body was 
 in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone was 
 the only man who could find nothing to do — 
 whereupon, determining not to be idle wheu 
 4:he welfare of his country was at stake, he 
 tucked up his robe, and fell to rolling his tub 
 with might and main up and down the Gymna- 
 sium." In like manner did every mother's son, 
 ru the patriotic community of New-Amsterdam, 
 
$10 PANIC AT NEW-AMSTERDAM. 
 
 on receiving the missives of Peter Stayvesant, 
 busy himself most mightily in putting things in 
 confusion, and assisting the general uproar. 
 "Every man" — saith the Stayvesant Manuscript 
 — " flew to arms !" — by which is meant, that not 
 one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture 
 to church or to market, without an old fashioned 
 spit of a sword danghng at his side, and a long 
 Dutch fowling piece on his shoulder — nor would 
 he go out of a night without a lanthorn ; nor 
 turn a corner without first peeping cautiously 
 round, lest he should come unawares upon a 
 British army — And w^e are informed that Stof- 
 fel Brinkerhoff, who was considered by the old 
 women almost as brave a man as the governor 
 himself — actually had two one pound swivels 
 mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the 
 front door, and the other at the back. 
 
 But the most strenuous measure resorted to 
 on this awful occasion, and one which has since 
 been found of wonderful eflicacy, was to assem- 
 ble popular meetings. These brawling convoca- 
 tions, I have already shown, were extremely 
 oiTensive to Peter Stuyvesant, but as this was a 
 moment of unusual agitation, and as the old 
 governor was not present to repress them, they 
 broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, 
 therefore, the orators and politicians repaired, 
 and there seemed to be a competition among 
 
POPULAR RESOLUTIONS 211 
 
 them who should bavv^l the loudest, and exceed 
 the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, 
 and in resolutions to uphold and defend the 
 government. In these sage and all powerful 
 meetings it was determined, nem con. that they 
 were the most enlightened, the most dignified, 
 the most formidable, and the most ancient com- 
 munity upon the face of the earth — Finding that 
 this resolutien was so universally and readily 
 carried, another was immediately proposed — 
 whether it were not possible and politic to exter- 
 minate Great Britain ? upon which sixty-nine 
 members spoke most eloquently in the affirma- 
 tive, and only one arose to suggest some doubts 
 — who, as a punishment for his treasonable pre- 
 sumption, was immediately seized by the mob 
 and tarred and feathered — which punishment 
 being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, he was 
 afterwards considered as an outcast from socie- 
 ty, and his opinion went for nothing. The ques- 
 tion, therefore, being unanimously carried in the 
 aliirmative, it was recommended to the grand 
 council to pass it into a law ; which was accord- 
 ingly done — By this measure the hearts of the 
 people at large were wonderfully encouraged, 
 and they waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. 
 Indeed, the first paroxysm of alarm having in 
 some measure subsided; the old women having 
 buried all the money they could lay their hands 
 
212 A PATRIOTIC BONFIRE. 
 
 on, and their husbands daily getting fuddled with 
 what was left — the community began even to 
 stand on the otfensive. Songs were manufactu- 
 red in Low Dutch and sung about the streets, 
 wherein the English were most wofully beaten, 
 and shown no quarter ; and popular addresses 
 were made, wherein it was proved to a certainty 
 that the fate of Old England depended upon the 
 will of the New-Amsterdammers. ♦ 
 
 Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vi- 
 tals of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser 
 inhabitants assembled, and having purchased all 
 the British manufactures they could find, they 
 made thereof a huge bonfire ; and, in the patriotic 
 glow of the moment, every man present, who had 
 a hat or breeches of Enghsh workmanship, pulled 
 it olF, and threw it most undauntedly into the 
 flames — to the irreparable detriment, loss, and 
 ruin of the English manufacturers. In comme- 
 moration of this great exploit, they erected a pole 
 on the spot, with a device on the top intended to 
 represent the province of Nieuw-Nederlandts de- 
 stroying Great Britain, under the similitude of an 
 Eagle picking the little Island of Old England 
 out of the globe ; but either through the unskil- 
 fulness of the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, 
 it bore a striking resemblance to a ^oose, vainly 
 striving to get hold of a dumpling. 
 
ALARM OF THE COUNCIL. 21^ 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Shozving hozu the grand Council of the New' 
 Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with 
 long tongues* — Together with a great triimiph 
 of Economy, 
 
 It will need but very little penetration in 
 any one acquainted with the character and 
 habits of that most potent and blustering mo- 
 narch, the sovereign people, — to discover, that, 
 notwithstanding all the bustle and talk of war 
 that stunned him in the last chapter, the re- 
 nowned city of New-Amsterdam is, in sad reality, 
 not a whit better prepared for defence than 
 before. Now, though the people, having gotten 
 over the first alarm, and finding no enemy im- 
 mediately at hand, had, with that valour of 
 tongue, for which your illustrious rabble is so 
 famous, run into the opposite extreme, and by 
 dint of gallant vapouring and rodomontado, had 
 actually talked themselves into the opinion that 
 they were the bravest and most poAverful people 
 under the sun, yet were the privy counsellors 
 of Peter Stuy vesant somewhat dubious on that 
 point. They dreaded, moreover, lest that stern 
 
 VOL. II. 19 
 
214 LONG WINDY SPEECHES. 
 
 hero should return, and find, that instead of obey- 
 ing his peremptory orders, they had wasted their 
 time in hstening to the hectorings of the mob, 
 than which, they well knew, there was nothing 
 he held in more exalted contempt. 
 
 To make up, therefore, as speedily as possible 
 for lost time, a grand divan of the counsellors 
 and burgomasters was convened, to talk over 
 the critical state of the province, and devise 
 measures for its safety. Two things were unani- 
 mously agreed upon in this venerable assem- 
 bly ; — first, that the city required to be put in a 
 state of defence ; and secondly, that as the dan- 
 ger was imminent, there should be no time lost 
 —which points being settled, they immediately 
 fell to making long speeches and belabouring 
 one another in endless and intemperate dis- 
 putes. For about this time was this unhappy 
 city first visited by that talking endemic, so uni- 
 versally prevalent in this country, and which so 
 invariably* evinces itself wherever a number of 
 wise men assemble together ; breaking out in 
 long, windy speeches, caused, as physicians sup- 
 pose, by the foul air which is ever generated in 
 a crowd. Now it Avas, moreover, that they first 
 introduced the ingenious method of measuring 
 the merits of an harangue by the hour-glass ; 
 he being considered the ablest orator who spoke 
 longest on a question. For which excellent in- 
 
CAUSE OF THIS LOQUACITY. 215 
 
 vention, it is recorded, we are indebted to the 
 same profound Dutch critic who judged of books 
 by their size. 
 
 This sudden passion for endless harangues, 
 so little consonant with the customary gravity 
 and taciturnity of our sage forefathers, was sup- 
 posed by certain learned philosophers, to have 
 been imbibed, together with divers other barba- 
 rous propensities, from their savage neighbours ; 
 who were peculiarly noted for their long talks 
 and council fires — who would never undertake 
 any affair of the least importance, without pre- 
 vious debates and harangues among their chiefs 
 and old men. But the real cause was, that the 
 people in electing their representatives to the 
 grand council were particular in choosing them 
 for their talents at talking, without inquiring 
 whether they possessed the more rare, difficult, 
 and oft-times important talent of holding their 
 tongues. The consequence was, that this deli- 
 berative body was composed of the most loqua- 
 cious men in the community. As they consider- 
 ed themselves placed there to talk, every man 
 concluded that his duty to his constituents, and, 
 what is more, his popularity with them, required 
 that he should harangue on every subject, whe- 
 ther he understood it or not. There was an an- 
 cient mode of burying a chieftain, by every 
 soldier throwing his shield full of earth on the 
 
216 PYTHAGOREAN IXJBNCTION OF SILExVCE. 
 
 eorpse, until a mighty mound was formed ; so 
 whenever a question was brought forward in this 
 assembly, every member pressing forward to 
 throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was 
 quickJy buried under a huge mass of words. 
 
 We are told, that when disciples were admit- 
 ted into the school of Pythagoras, they were for 
 two years enjoined silence, and were neither 
 permitted to ask questions nor make remarks. 
 After they had thus acquired the inestimable art 
 of holding their tongues, they were gradually 
 permitted to make inquiries, and finally to com- 
 municate their own opinions. 
 
 What a pity is it, that, while superstitiously 
 hoarding up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, 
 we should sufTer these precious gems to lie uhk 
 noticed. What a beneficial effect would this 
 wi.se regulation of Pythagoras have, if introduced 
 in legislative bodies — and how wonderfully would 
 it have tended to expedite business in the grand 
 council of the Manhattoes ! 
 
 Thus, however, did dame Wisdom, (whom the 
 wags of antiqpity have humorously personified 
 as a woman,) seem to take mischievous pleasure 
 in jilting the venerable counsellors of New-Am^. 
 sterdarn. The old factions of Long Pipes and 
 Short Pipes, Avhich had been almost strangled 
 by the herculean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now 
 sprung up with tenfold violence. Not that the 
 
REVIVAL OF FACTIONS. ^17 
 
 original cause of difference still existed, — but, it 
 has ever been the fate of party names and party 
 rancour to remain, long after the principles that 
 gave rise to them have been forgotten. To com- 
 plete the public confusion and bewilderment, the 
 (ditdilword Econoinr/, w^hich one would have thought 
 was dead and buried with William the Testy, was 
 once more set afloat, like the apple of discord, in 
 the grand council of Nieuw-Nederiandts — ac- 
 cording to which sound principle of poi cy, it 
 was deemed more expedient to throw away twen- 
 ty thousand guilders upon an ineflicacious plan of 
 defence, than thirty thousand on a good and sub- 
 stantial one — the province thus making a clear 
 saving of ten thousand guilders. 
 
 But when they came to discuss the mode of 
 defence, then began a war of words that baffles 
 all description. The members being, as I obser- 
 ved,^nlisted in opposite parties, were enabled 
 to proceed with amazing system and regularity 
 in the discussion of the questions before them. 
 Whatever was proposed by a Long Pipe, was 
 opposed by the w^hole tribe of Short Pipes, who 
 like true politicians, considered it their first 
 duty to effect the downfall of the Long Pipes — 
 their second, to elevate themselves — and their 
 third, to consult the welfare of the country. This 
 at least was the creed of the most upright 
 among the party ; for a? to the great mass, they 
 19* 
 
'il8 PLANS ©F DEFENCE 
 
 left the third consideration out of the questiou 
 altogether. 
 
 In this great collision of hard heads, it is asto- 
 nishing the number of projects for defence that 
 were struck out, not one of which had ever been 
 heard of before, nor has been heard of since, 
 unless ijt be in very modern days — projects that 
 threw the windmill system of the ingenious Kieft 
 completely in the back ground. Still, however, 
 nothing could be decided on, for so soon as a 
 formidable host of air castles were reared by one 
 party, they were demolished by the other — the 
 simple populace stood gazing in anxiows expecta- 
 tion of the mighty egg that was to be hatched 
 with all this cackling, but they gazed in vain, for 
 it appeared that the grand council was determi- 
 ned to protect the province as did the noble and 
 gigantic Pantagruel his [irmy — by covering it with 
 his tongue. • 
 
 Indeed there was a portion of the members 
 consisting of fat, self-important old burghers, who 
 smoked their pipes and said nothing, excepting 
 to negative every plan of defence that was offer- 
 ed. These were of that class of wealthy old 
 citizens who, having amassed a fortune, button 
 up their pockets, shut their mouths, look rich, 
 and are good for nothing all the rest of their 
 hves. Like some phlegmatic oyster, which hav- 
 ing swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, settles 
 
NEGATIVED. 1tl9 
 
 down in the mud, and parts with its life sooner 
 than its treasure. Everj plan of defence seem- 
 ed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with 
 ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts, 
 preying upon the public property — to fit out a 
 naval armament was to throw their money into 
 the sea — to build fortifications was to bury it in 
 the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign 
 maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no 
 matter how much they were drubbed — A kick 
 left no scar — a broken head cured itself — but 
 an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest 
 to heal, and one in which nature did nothing for 
 the patient. 
 
 Thus did this venerable assembly of sages 
 lavish away that time which the urgency of af- 
 fairs rendered invaluable, in empty brawls and 
 long winded speeches, without ever agreeing, 
 except on the point with which they started, 
 namely, that there was no time to be lost, and 
 delay was ruinous. At length St. Nicholas, tak- 
 ing compassion on their distracted situation, 
 and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so 
 ordered, that in the midst of one of their most 
 noisy debates on the subject of fortification and 
 defence, when they had nearly fallen to logger- 
 heads in consequence of not being able to con- 
 vince each other, the question was happily set- 
 tled by a messenger, who bounced into the 
 
220 ARRIVAL OF THE ENEMf. 
 
 chamber and informed them that the hostile 
 fleet had arrived, and was actually advancing 
 up the bay ! 
 
 Thus was all farther necessity of either forti- 
 fying or disputing completely obviated, and thus 
 was the grand council saved a world of w ords, 
 and the province a world of expense — a most 
 absolute and glorious triumph of economy ! 
 
8ENERAL ALARM. 221 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 In lohich the troubles of New- Amsterdam ap' 
 pear to thicken — Shozmng the braveri/, in time 
 of peril, of a people who defend themselves by 
 resolutions* 
 
 Like as an assemblage of politic cats, en- 
 gaged in clamorous gibberings, and catterwaul- 
 ings, eyeing one another with hideous grimaces, 
 spitting in each other's faces, and on the point 
 of breaking forth into a general clapper-clawing, 
 are suddenly put to scampering rout and confu- 
 sion by the startling appearance of a house-dog 
 — So was the no less vociferous council of New- 
 Amsterdam, amazed, astounded, and totally dis- 
 persed, by the sudden arrival of the enemy. 
 Every member made the best of his way home, 
 waddling' along as fast as his short legs could 
 fag under their heavy burthen, and wheezing as 
 he went with corpulency and terror. When he 
 arrived at his castle, he barricadoed the street 
 door, and buried himself in the cider cellar, 
 without daring to peep out, lest he should have 
 hi^ head carried off by a cannon ball. 
 
 The sover^gn people all crowded into tlie 
 
222 FEARFUL UNCERTAINTY. 
 
 market place, herding together with the instinct 
 of sheep, who seek for safety in each other's 
 company, when the shepherd and his dog are 
 absent, and the wolf is prowling round the fold. 
 Far from finding relief, however, they only in- 
 creased each other's terrors. Each man looked 
 ruefully in his neighbour's face, in search of en- 
 couragement, but only found in its wo-begone 
 lineaments, a confirmation of his own dismay. 
 Not a word now was to be heard of conquering 
 Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign 
 virtues of economy — while the old women 
 heightened the general gloom by clamorously 
 bewailing their fate, and incessantly calling for 
 protection on Saint Nicholas and Peter Stuy- 
 vesant. 
 
 Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the 
 lion-hearted Peter ! — ^and how did they long for 
 the comforting presence of Antony Van Corlear ! 
 Indeed, a gloomy uncertainty hung over the fate 
 of these adventurous heroes. Day after day had 
 elapsed since the alarming message from the 
 governor, without bringing any farther tidings 
 of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was 
 hazarded as to what had befallen him and his 
 loyal squire. Had they not been devoiired alive- 
 by the cannibals of Marblehead and Cape Cod ! 
 — were they not put to the question by the 
 great council of Amphyctions ? — were they not 
 
PETER SUDDENLY APPEARS. 223 
 
 mnothered in onions by the terrible men of Py- 
 quag ? — In the midst of this consternation and 
 perplexity, when horror, like a mighty night- 
 mare, sat brooding upon the little, fat, plethoric 
 city of New-Amsterdam, the ears of the multi- 
 tude were suddenly startled by a strange and 
 distant sound — it approached — it grew louder 
 and louder — and now it resounded at the city 
 gate. The public could not be mistaken in the 
 well-known sound — A shout of joy burst from 
 their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered with 
 dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, 
 came galloping into the market place. 
 
 The first transports of the populace having 
 subsided, they gathered round the honest An- 
 tony, as he dismounted from his horse, over- 
 whelming him with greetings and congratula- 
 tions. In breathless accents he related to them 
 the marvellous adventures through which the old 
 governor and himself had gone in fpaking their 
 escape from the clutches of the terrible Am- 
 phyctions. But though the Stuyvesant Manu- 
 script, with its customary minuteness where 
 any thing touching the great Peter is concerned, 
 is very particular as to the incidents of this 
 masterly retreat, yet the particular state of the 
 public atTairs will not allow me to indulge in a 
 full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say, that 
 while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolv- 
 
224 HIS SECRET DECAMPMEM'. 
 
 ing in his mind how he could make good his 
 escape with honour and dignity, certain of the 
 ships sent out for the conquest of the Manhattoes 
 touched at the eastern ports, to obtain needful 
 supphes, and to call on the grand council of the 
 league for its promised co-operation. Upon 
 hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, perceiving 
 that a moment's delaj were fatal, made a secret 
 and precipitate decampment, though much did 
 it grieve his lofty soul to be obliged to turn his 
 back even upon a nation of foes. Many hair- 
 breadth scapes and divers perilous mishaps did 
 they sustain, as they scoured, without sound of 
 trumpet, through the fair regions of the east. 
 Already was the country in an uproar with hos- 
 tile preparation, and they were obliged to take 
 a large circuit in their flight, lurking along, 
 through the woody mountains of the Devil's 
 back bone ; from whence the valiant Peter sal- 
 lied forth <^e day, like a lion, and put to rout 
 a whole legion of squatters, consisting of three 
 generations of a proHfic family, who were al- 
 ready on their way to take possession of some 
 corner of the New-Netherlands. Nay, the faith- 
 ful Antony had great difficulty at -sundry times 
 to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, from 
 descending down from the mountains, and fill- 
 ing, sword in hand, upon certain of the border 
 
HIS FIRST MOVEMENTS. ^25 
 
 towns, who were marshalling forth their draggle- 
 tailed militia. 
 
 The first movements of the governor on reach- 
 ing his dwelhng, was to mount the roof, from 
 whence he contemplated with rueful aspect the 
 hostile squadron. This had already come to an- 
 chor in the bay, and consisted of two stout fri- 
 gates, having on board, as John Josselyn, Gent, 
 informs us, " three hundred valiant red coats." 
 Having taken this survey, he sat himself down 
 and wrote an epistle to the commander, de- 
 manding the reason of his anchoring in the har- 
 bour without obtaining previous permission so 
 to do. This letter was couched in the most dig- 
 nified and courteous terms, though I have it 
 from undoubted authority, that his teeth were 
 clinched, and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon 
 his visage all the while he wrote. Having des- 
 patched his letter, the grim Peter stumped to 
 and fro about the town, with a most war-beto- 
 kening countenance, his hands thrust into his 
 breeches pockets, and whistling a Low Dutch 
 psalm tune, which bore no small resemblance to 
 the music of a north-east wind, when a storm is 
 brewing. — The very dogs as they eyed him 
 skulked away in dismay — while all the old and 
 ugly women of New-Amsterdam ran howling at 
 liis heels, imploring him to save them from mur- 
 der, robbery, and pitiless ravishment ! 
 VOL. II. 20 
 
226 TERMS OFFERED BY THE INVADERS. 
 
 The reply of Col. Nichols, who commanded 
 the invaders, was couched in terms of equal 
 courtesy with the letter of the governor^de- 
 claring the right and title of his British Majesty 
 to the province, where he affirmed the Dutch 
 to he mere interlopers ; and demanding that the 
 town, forts, &c. should he forthwith rendered 
 into his majesty's obedience and protection — 
 promising at the same time, life, liberty, estate, 
 and free trade, to every Dutch denizen who 
 should readily submit to his majesty's govern- 
 ment. 
 
 Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epis- 
 tle with some such harmony of aspect as we may 
 suppose a crusty farmer, who has long been fat- 
 tening upon his neighbour's soil, reads the loving 
 letter of John Stiles, that warns him of an ac- 
 tion of ejectment. The old governor, however, 
 was not to be taken by surprise, but thrusting 
 the summons into his breeches pocket, he stalk- 
 ed three times across the room, took a pinch of 
 snulT with great vehemence, and then loftily 
 waving his hand, promised to send an answer 
 the next morning. In the mean time he called 
 a general council of war of his privy counsel- 
 lors and burgomasters, not for the purpose of 
 asking their advice, for that, as has been already 
 shown, he valued not a rush : but to make known 
 
PETER CALLS A COUNCIL OF WAR. 227 
 
 unto them his sovereign determination, and re- 
 quire their prompt adherence. 
 
 Before, however, he convened his council, he 
 resolved upon three important points '^ first, never 
 to give up the city without a little hard fighting, 
 for lie deemed it highly derogatory to the dignity 
 of so renowned a city, to sailer itt-elf to be cap- 
 tured and stripped, W'ithout receiving a few kicks 
 into the bargain. Secondly^ that the majority of 
 his grand council was composed of arrant pol- 
 troons, utterly destitute of true bottom — and, 
 thirdly, that he would not therefore suifer them 
 to see the summons of Col. Nichols, lest the easy 
 terms it held out might induce them to clamour 
 for a surrender. 
 
 His orders being duly promulgated, it was a 
 piteous sight to behold the late valiant burgo- 
 masters, w ho had demolished the whole British 
 empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully out 
 of their hiding places, and then crawling cau- 
 tiously forth, dodging through narrow lanes and 
 alleys ; starting at every little dog that barked, 
 as though it had been a discharge of artillery — 
 mistaking lamp posts for British grenadiers, and 
 in the excess of their panic, metamorphosing 
 pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling blun- 
 derbusvses at their bosoms ! Having, however, 
 in despite of numerous perils and difficulties of 
 
-^8 THE GOUXCIL MEETS. 
 
 gle man, at the hail of assembly, they took their 
 scats, and awaited^in fearful silence the arrival 
 of the governor. In a few moments the wooden 
 leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular 
 and stout-hearted thumps upon the stair case. 
 — He entered the chamber, arrayed in full suit 
 of regimentals, and carrying his trusty toledo, 
 not girded on his thigh, but tucked under his 
 arm. As the governor never equipped himself 
 in this portentous manner, unless something of 
 martial nature were working within his fearless 
 pericranium, his council regarded him ruefully, 
 as if they saw fire and sword in his iron counte- 
 liance, and forgot to light their pipes in breath- 
 loss suspense. 
 
 The great Peter was as eloquent as he was 
 valorous — indeed, these two rare qualities seem- 
 ed to go hand in hand in his composition ; and, 
 unlike most great statesmen, whose victories 
 are only confined to the bloodless field of argu- 
 ment, he was always ready to enforce his hardy 
 words by no less hardy deeds. His speeches 
 were generally marked by a simplicity, ap- 
 proaching to bluntness, and by truly categorical 
 decision. Addressing the grand council, he 
 touched briefly upon the perils and hardships 
 lie had sustained in escaping from his crafty 
 foes. He next reproached the council, for wast- 
 ing in idle debate, and party feuds, that time 
 
PETER^S NOBLE ADDRESS. 229 
 
 which should have been devoted to their coun- 
 try. He was particularly indignant at those 
 brawlers, who, conscious of individual security, 
 had disgraced the councils of the province by 
 impotent hectorings and scurrilous invectives, 
 against a noble and powerful enemy — those 
 cowardly curs, who were incessant in their 
 barkings and yelpings at the lion, while distant 
 or asleep, but the moment he approached, were 
 the first to skulk away. He now called on those 
 who had been so valiant in their threats against 
 Great Britain, to stand forth and support their 
 vauntings by their actions — for it was deeds^ not 
 words, that bespoke the spirit of a nation. He 
 proceeded to recall the golden days of former 
 prosperity, which were only to be gained by 
 manfully withstanding their enemies ; for the 
 peace he observed, which is effected by force of 
 arms, is always more sure and durable than that 
 which is patched up by temporary accommoda- 
 tions. He endeavoured, moreover, to arouse 
 their martial fire, by reminding them of the time . 
 when, before the frowning walls of Fort Chris- 
 tina, he had led them on to victory-^He strove 
 likewise to awaken their confidence, by assur- 
 ing them of the protection of St. Nicholas, who 
 had hitherto maintained them in safety, amid all 
 the savages of the wilderness, the witches and 
 squatters of the east, and the giants of Merry- 
 20* 
 
i230 THE BURGOMASTER'S DEMUR. 
 
 land. Finally, he informed them of the insolent 
 summons he had received to surrender, but con- 
 cluded by swearing to defend the province as 
 long as heaven was on his side, and he had a 
 wooden leg to stand upon. Which noble sen- 
 tence he emphasized by a tremendous thwack 
 with the broad side of his sword upon the table, 
 that totally electrified his auditors. 
 
 The privy counsellors, who had long been ac- 
 customed to the governor's way, and in fact had 
 been brought into as perfect discipline as were 
 ever the soldiers of the great Frederick, saw that 
 there was no use in saying a word — so lighted 
 their pipes and smoked away in silence hke fat 
 and discreet counsellors. But the burgomasters 
 being less under the governor's control, consi- 
 dering themselves as representatives of the so- 
 vereign people, and being moreover inflated 
 with considerable importance and self-sufficien- 
 cy, which they had acquired at those notable 
 schools of wisdom and morality, the popular 
 meetings, were not so easily satisfied. Muster- 
 ing up fresh spirit, when they found there was 
 some chance of escaping from their present 
 jeopardy, without the disagreeable alternative 
 of fighting, they requested a copy of the sum- 
 mons to surrender, that they might show it to a 
 general meeting of the people. 
 
 So insolent and , mutinous a request w^ould 
 
THEY CALL A PUBLIC MEETING. 231 
 
 have been enough to have roused the gorge of 
 the tranquil Van Twiiler himseh^ — what then 
 must have been its effect upon the great Stuy- 
 vesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a gover- 
 nor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, 
 but withal a man of the most stomachful and 
 gunpowder disposition. He burst forth into a 
 blaze of noble indignation, — swore not a mo- 
 ther's son of them should see a syllable of it — 
 that they deserved, every one of them, to be 
 hanged, drawn and quartered, for traitorously 
 daring to question the infallibility of govern- 
 ment — that as to their advice or concurrence, 
 he did not care a whiff of tobacco for either — 
 that he had long been harassed and thwarted 
 by their cowardly counsels ; but that they might 
 thenceforth go home, and go to bed like old wo- 
 men ; for he was determined to defend the co- 
 lony himself, without the assistance of them or 
 their adherents ! So saying, he tucked his sword 
 under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, 
 and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly 
 out of the council charQjjser — every body making 
 room for him as he passed. 
 
 No sooner had he gone than the busy burgo- 
 masters called a public meeting in front of the 
 Stadt-house, where they appointed as chairman 
 one Dofue Roerback, a mighty gingerbread-ba- 
 ker in the land, and formerlv of the cabinet of 
 
232 THE gingerbread-baker's speech. 
 
 William the Testj. He was looked up to with 
 great reverence by the populace, who consider- 
 ed him a man of dark knowledge, seeing he 
 was the first that imprinted new -year cakes with 
 the mysterious hieroglyphics of the Cock and 
 Breeches, and such like magical devices. 
 
 This great burgomaster, who still chewed the 
 cud of ill-will against the valiant Stuy vesant, in 
 consequence of having been ignominiously kick- 
 ed out of his cabinet at the time of his taking 
 the reins of government — addressed the greasy 
 multitude ifi what is called a patriotic speech, 
 in which he informed them of the courteous 
 summons to surrender — of the governor's refu- 
 sal to comply therewith — of his denying the 
 public a sight of the summons, which, he had no 
 doubt, contained conditions highly to the ho- 
 nour and advantage of the province. 
 
 He then proceeded to speak of his excellency 
 in high sounding terms, suitable to the dignity 
 and grandeur of his station, comparing him to 
 Nero, Caligula, and those other great men of 
 yore, who are generally ^quoted by popular ora- 
 tors on similar occasions. Assuring the people, 
 that the history of the world did not contain a 
 despotic outrage to equal the present, for atro- 
 city, cruelty, tyranny, and blood-thirstiness — 
 that it would be recorded in letters of fire, on 
 the blood-stained tablet of history! that ages 
 
HOW PETER TREATED THE MEMORIAL. 233 
 
 would roll back with sudiieD horror when they 
 came to view it! That the womb of time — (by 
 the way your orators and writers take strange 
 hberties with the womb of time, though some 
 would fain have us believe that time is an old 
 gentleman) — that the womb of time, pregnant as 
 it was with direful horrors, would never pro- 
 duce a parallel enormity ! — With a variety of 
 other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and 
 figures which I cannot enumerate — Neither, in- 
 deed, need I, for they were exactly the same 
 that are used in all popular harangues and pa- 
 triotic orations at the present day, and may be 
 classed in rhetoric under the general title of 
 Rigmarole. 
 
 The speech of this inspired burgomaster 
 being finished, the meeting fell into a kind of 
 popular fermentation, which produced not only 
 a string of right wise resolutions, but likewise a 
 most resolute memorial, addressed to the go- 
 vernor, remonstrating at his conduct — which 
 was no sooner handed to him, than he handed it 
 into the fire ; and thus deprived posterity of an 
 invaluable document, that might have served as 
 a precedent to the enlightened cobblers and tai- 
 lors of the present day, in their sage iutermcd- 
 d lings with politics. 
 
• 
 134 Peter's wrath and resolution. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Containing- a doleful disaster of Antony the 
 Trumpeter — And ho7v Peter Stuyvesant^ like 
 a second CronnoelU sziddenli/ dissolved a rump 
 Parliament, 
 
 Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt 
 shower down a pannier load of benedictions 
 upon his burgomasters, for a set of self-willed, 
 obstinate, headstrong varlets, who would neither 
 be convinced nor persuaded; and determined 
 thenceforth to have nothing more to do with 
 them, but to consult merely the opinion of his 
 privy counsellors, which he knew from experi- 
 ence to be the best in the world — inasmuch as 
 it never differed from his ovv n. Nor did he omit, 
 now that his hand was in, to bestow some thou- 
 sand left-handed compliments upon the sove- 
 reign people ; whom he railed at for a herd of 
 poltroons, who had no relish for the glorious 
 hardships and illustrious njisadventures of bat- 
 tle — but would rather stay at home, and eat and 
 sleep in ignoble ease, than gain immortality 
 and a broken head by valiantly fighting in a 
 ditch. 
 
 Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his 
 
MISSION OF VAN CORLEAR. 235 
 
 beloved city, in despite even of itself, he called 
 unto him his trusty Van Corlear, who was his 
 right-hand man in all times of emergency. Him 
 did he adjure to take his war-denouncing trum- 
 pet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the 
 country, night and day. — Sounding the alarm 
 along the pastoral borders of the Bronx — start- 
 ling the wild solitudes of Croton — -arousing the 
 rugged yeomanry of Weehawk and Hoboeken 
 — the mighty men of battle of Tappan Bay* — 
 and the brave boys of Tarry Town and Sleepy 
 Hollow — together with all the Other warriors of 
 the country round about; charging them one 
 and all to sling their powder horns, shoulder 
 their fowling pieces, and march merrily down 
 to the Manhattoes. 
 
 Now there was nothing in all the world, the 
 divine sex excepted, that Antony Van Corlear 
 loved better than errands of this kind. So just 
 stopping to take a lusty dinner, and bracing to 
 his side his junk bottle, we?! charged with heart- 
 inspiring Hollands, he issued jolHiy from the 
 city gate, that looked out upon what is at pre- 
 sent called Broadway ; sounding as usual a 
 farewell strain, that rung in sprightly echoes 
 through the winding streets of New-Amsterdam 
 
 * A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe of In- 
 dians which boasted 150 fighting men. See Ogilbv's History 
 
236 HIS LUCKLESS FATE. 
 
 — Alas I never more were they to be gladdened 
 by the melody of their favourite trumpeter ? 
 
 It was a dark and stormy night when the 
 good Antony arrived at the famous creek (sage- 
 ly denominated Haerlem river) which separates 
 the island of Manna-hatta from the main land. 
 The wind was high, the elements were in an 
 uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry 
 the adventurous sounder of brass across the wa- 
 ter. For a short time he vapoured like an impa- 
 tient ghost upon the brink, and then, bethinking 
 himself of the urgency of his errand, took a 
 hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most 
 valorously that he would swim across, en spijt 
 den Duyvel (in spite of the devil !) and daringly 
 plunged into the stream. — Luckless Antony ! 
 scarce had he buffeted half way over, when he 
 was observed to struggle violently, as if bat- 
 tling with the spirit of the waters — instinctively 
 he put his trumpet to his mouth, and giving a 
 vehement blast — sunk for ever to the bottom ! 
 
 The potent clangour of his trumpet, like \\\e 
 ivory horn of the renowned Paladin Orlando, 
 when expiring in the glorious iields of Ronces- 
 valles, rung far and wide through the country, 
 alarming the neighbours round, who hurried in 
 amazement to the spot — Here an old Dutch 
 burgher, famed for his veracity, and who had 
 been a witness of the fact, related to them the 
 
^' SPIKING DEVIL." 23t 
 
 melancholy affair ; with the fearful addition (to 
 which I am slow of giving belief) that he saw 
 the duyvel, in the shape of a huge moss-bonker, 
 seize the sturdy Antony by the leg, and drag 
 him beneath the waves. Certain it is, the place, 
 with the adjoining promontory, which projects 
 into the Hudson, hag been called Spijt den duy- 
 vel^ or Spiking devil, ever since — the restless 
 ghost of the unfortunate Antony still haunts 
 the surrounding sohtudes, and his trumpet has 
 often been heard by the neighbours, of a stormy 
 night, mingling with the howling of the blast. 
 Nobody ever attempts to swim over the creek 
 after dark ; on the contrary, a bridge has been 
 built to guard against such melancholy accidents 
 in future — and as to moss-bonkers, they are held 
 in such abhorrence, that no true Dutchman will 
 admit them to his table, who loves good fish and 
 hates the devil. 
 
 Such was the end of Antony Van Corlear — 
 a man deserving of a better fate. .He lived 
 roundly and soundly, like a true and jolly 
 bachelor,^Rtil the day of his death! but though 
 he was never married, yet did he leave behind 
 some two or three dozen children, in different 
 parts of the country — fine chubby, brawling, 
 flatulent little urchins, from whom, if legends 
 speak true, (and they are not apt to lie,) did 
 descend the innumerable race of editors who 
 
 VOL. II. 21 
 
238 GRIEF OF THE GOVERNOR 
 
 people and defend this country, and who are 
 bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a 
 constant alarm — and making them miserable. 
 Would that they inherited the worth, as they do 
 the wind, of their renowned progenitor ! 
 
 The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe 
 imparted a severer pang to the bosom of Peter 
 Stuyvesant, than did even the invasion of his be- 
 loved Amsterdam. It came ruthlessly home to 
 those sweet ailections that grow close around the 
 heart, and are nourished by its warmest cur- 
 rent. As some lorn pilgrim, while the tempest 
 whistles through his locks, and dreary night is 
 gathering around, sees stretched cold and life- 
 less, his faithful dog — the sole companion of his 
 journeying, who had shared his solitary meal, 
 and so often licked his hand in humble grati- 
 tude — so did the generous-hearted hero of the 
 Manhattoes contemplate the untimely end of his 
 faithful Antony. He had been the humble at- 
 tendant of his footsteps — he had cheered him in 
 many a heavy hour by his honest gayety, and 
 had followed him in loyalty ana affection 
 through many a scene of direful peril and mis- 
 hap — he was gone for ever — and that too at a 
 moment when every mongrel cur seemed skulk- 
 ing from his side — This — Peter Stuyvesant — 
 this was the moment to try thy fortitude ; and 
 this was the moment when thou didst indeed 
 shine forth^— Peter the Headstroiwl 
 
AT Antony's untimely end. 539 
 
 The glare of day had long dispelled the hor- 
 rors of the last stormy night; still all was dull 
 and gloomy. The late jovial Apollo hid his 
 face behind lugubrious clouds, peeping out now 
 and then, for an instant, as if anxious, yet fear- 
 ful, to see what was going on in his favourite 
 city. This was the eventful morning when the 
 great Peter was to give his reply to the summons 
 of the invaders. Already was he closeted with 
 his privy council, sitting in grim state, brooding 
 over the fate of his favourite trumpeter, and 
 anon boiling with indignation as the insolence of 
 his recreant burgomasters flashed upon his mind. 
 While in this state of irritation, a courier arrived 
 in all haste from Winthrop, the subtle governor 
 of Connecticut, counselling him in the most p.f- 
 fectionate and disinterested manner to surrender 
 the province, and magnifying the dangers and 
 calamities to which a refusal would subject him. 
 — What a moment was this to intrude officious 
 advice upon a man who never took advice in 
 his whole life ! — The fiery old governor strode 
 up and down the chamber, with a vehemence 
 that made the bosoms of his counsellors to quake 
 with awe — railing at his unlucky fate, that thus 
 made him the constant butt of factious subjects 
 and Jesuitical advisers. 
 
 Just at this ill chosen juncture, the officious 
 burgomasters, who were now completely on 
 
3-40 PETER PROROGUES A SEETIXG 
 
 the watch, and had heard of the arrival of mys- 
 terious despatches, came marching; in a reso- 
 lute body into tlie room, with a legion of sche- 
 peu£ and toad-eaters at their heels, and abruptly 
 demanded a perusal of the letter. Thus to be 
 broken in upon by what he esteemed a " rascal 
 rabble,'' and that, too. at the ver>- moment he 
 vras grinding under an irritation from abroad, 
 was too much for the spleen of the choleric Pe- 
 ter. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces* — 
 threw it in the face of the nearest burgomaster 
 — ^broke his pipe over the head of the next — 
 hurled his spitting box at an unlucky schepen. 
 who was just making a masterly retreat out at 
 the door, and finally prorogued the whole meet- 
 i.;j ««e die, by kicking them down stairs with 
 his wooden leg. 
 
 As soon as the bunromasters could recover 
 from the confusion into which their sudden exit 
 had thrown them, and had taken a little time to 
 breathe, they protested against the conduct of 
 the i£Overnor. which they did not hesitate to pro- 
 nounce tyrannical, unconstitutional, highly in- 
 decent, and somewhat disrepectful. They then 
 called a public meeting, where they read the 
 protest, and addressing the assembly in a set 
 speech, related at full lengthf and vfith appro- 
 
 * SmJtL's History of Xew-York, 
 
WITH HIS WOODEV LEG. 24t 
 
 priate colouriDg and exaggeration, the despotic 
 and vindictive deportment of the governor : de- 
 claring that, for their own parts, they did not 
 value a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and 
 mauled by the timber toe of his excellency, but 
 they felt for the dignity of the sovereign people, 
 thus rudely insulted by the outrage committed 
 on the seat of honour of their representatives. 
 The latter part of the harangue had a violent 
 effect upon the sensibihty of the people, as it 
 came home at once to that dehcacy of feeling 
 and jealous pride of character, vested in all true 
 mobs ; who, though they may bear injuries with- 
 out a murmur, yet are marvellously jealous of 
 their sovereign dignity — and there is no know- 
 ing to what act of resentment they might have 
 been provoked against the redoubtable Peter, 
 had not the greasy ro^es been somewhat more 
 afraid of their sturdy old governor than they 
 
 were of St. Nicholas, the English— orthe D 1 
 
 himself. 
 
 
"242 A SUBLIME spectacle;- 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 How Pete?' Stuyvesant defended the city of New-^ 
 Amsterdam for several days by dint of the 
 strength of his head* 
 
 There is something exceedingly sublime and 
 melancholy in the spectacle which the present 
 crisis of our history presents* An illustrious and 
 venerable little city — the metropolis of an im- 
 mense extent of uninhabited country — garri- 
 soned by a doughty host of orators, chairmen, 
 committee-men, burgomasters, schepens and 
 old women — governed by a determined and 
 strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud 
 batteries, pallisadoes, and resolutions — blocka- 
 ded by sea, beleagifered by land, and threatened 
 with direful desolation from without ; while its 
 very vitals are torn with internal faction and 
 commotion ! Never did historic pen record a 
 page of more complicated distress, unless it be 
 the strife that distracted the Israelites during 
 the siege of Jerusalem — where discordant par- 
 ties were cutting each other's throats at the 
 moment when the victorious legions of Titus 
 had toppled down their bulwarks, and were car- 
 
Peter's gallant letter. 24S 
 
 rying fire and sword into the very sanctum sanc- 
 torum of the temple. 
 
 Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as 
 has been recorded, put his grand council to the 
 rout, and thus dehvered himself from a multitude 
 of impertinent advisers, despatched a categorical 
 reply to the commanders of the invading squad- 
 ron ; wherein he asserted the right and title of 
 their High Mightinesses the Lords States General 
 to the province of New-Netherlands, and trusting 
 in the righteousness of his cause, set the whole 
 British nation at defiance ! My anxiety to extri- 
 cate my readers and myself from these disastrous 
 scenes, prevents me from giving the whole of this 
 gallant letter, which concluded in these manly 
 and affectionate terms : 
 
 " As touching the threats in your conclusion, 
 *' we have nothing to answer, only that we fear 
 " nothing but what God (who is as just as merci- 
 " ful) shall lay upon us ; all things being in his 
 " gracious disposal, and we may as well be pre- 
 " served by him with small forces, as by a great 
 " army ; which makes us to wish you all happi- 
 " ness and prosperity, and recommend you to 
 " his protection. — My lords, your thrice humble 
 ^* and affectionate servant and friend, 
 
 " P. Stuyvesant." 
 
 Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet,^ 
 the brave Peter stuck a pair of horse pistols ijii 
 
244 TEMPTING TERMS OFFERED. 
 
 his belt, girded an immense powder horn on his 
 side — thrust his sound leg into a Hessian boot, 
 and clapping his fierce little war hat on the top 
 of his head — paraded up and down in front of 
 his house, determined to defend his beloved citj 
 to the last. 
 
 While all these woful struggles and dissen- 
 tions were prevailing in the unhappy city of 
 New-Amsterdam, and while its worthy, but ill- 
 starred governor was framing the above quoted 
 letter, the English commanders did not remain 
 idle. They had agents secretly employed to fo- 
 ment the fears and clamours of the populace ; 
 and moreover circulated far and wide, through 
 the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeating 
 the terms they had already held out in their 
 summons to surrender, and beguiling the simple 
 Nederlanders with the most crafty and concilia- 
 ting professions. They promised that every man 
 who voluntarily submitted to the authority of 
 his British Majesty, should retain peaceable 
 possession of his house, his vrouw, and his cab* 
 bage-garden. That he should be suffered to 
 smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many 
 breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, 
 and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manu- 
 facturing them on the spot. — That he should on 
 no account be compelled to learn the English 
 language, or keep accounts in any other way 
 
THE POPULACE ARE SEDUCED. 245 
 
 than by casting them up on his fingers, and 
 chalking them down upon the crown of his hat ; 
 as is still observed among the Dutch yeomanry 
 at the present day. That every man should be 
 allowed quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, 
 shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other personal ap- 
 pendage, and that- no man should be obliged to 
 conform to any improvements, inventions, or 
 any other modern innovations ; but on^the con- 
 trary, should be permitted to build his house, 
 follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his hogs, 
 and educate his children, precisely as his an- 
 cestors did before him since time immemorial. — 
 Finally, that he should have all the benefits of 
 free trade, and should not be required to ac- 
 knowledge any other saint in the calendar than 
 Saint Nicholas, who should thenceforward, as 
 before, be considered the tutelar saint of the 
 city. 
 
 These terms, as may be supposed, appeared 
 very satisfactory to the people, who had a great 
 disposition to enjoy their property unmolested, 
 and a most singular aversion to engage in a con- 
 test, where they could gain httle more than 
 honour and broken heads — the first of which 
 they held in philosophic indifference, the latter 
 in utter detestation. By these insidious means, 
 therefore, did the English succeed in alienating 
 tiie confidence and affections of the populace 
 
^46 HOSTILITIES THREATENED. 
 
 from their gallant old governor, whom they con- 
 sidered as obstinately bent upon running them 
 into hideous misadventures ; and did not hesitate 
 to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most 
 heartily — behind his back. 
 
 Like as a mighty grampus, v^^ho though assail- 
 ed and buffeted by roaring waves and brawHng 
 surges, still keeps on an undeviating course ; and 
 though overwhelmed by boisterous billows, still 
 emerges from the troubled deep, spouting and 
 blowing with tenfold violence — so did the inflexi- 
 ble Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined 
 career, and rise, contemptuous, above the cla- 
 mours of the rabble. 
 
 But when the British warriors found, by the 
 tenor of his reply, that he set their power at de- 
 fiance, they forthwith despatched recruiting offi- 
 cers to Jamaica, and Jericho, and Nineveh, and 
 Quag, and Patchog, and all those towns on 
 Long-Island which had been subdued of yore by 
 the immortal Stoffel Brinkerhoif ; stirring up the 
 valiant progeny of Preserved Fish, and Deter- 
 mined Cock, and those other illustrious squat- 
 ters, to assail the city of New-Amsterdam by 
 land. In the mean while the hostile ships made 
 awful preparation to commence an assault by 
 water. 
 
 The streets of New- Amsterdam now present- 
 ed a scene of wild dismay and consternation. In 
 
DISMAY IN NEW-AMSTERDAM, 247 
 
 vain did the gallant Stuyvesant order the citi- 
 zens to arm and assemble in the public square 
 or market place. The whole party of Short Pipes 
 in the course of a single night had chaaged into 
 arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be 
 paralleled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as 
 having happened at Rome at the approach of 
 Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, 
 goats were converted into sheep, and cocks 
 turning into hens ran cackling about the streets. 
 
 The harassed Peter, thus menaced from with- 
 out, and tormented from within — baited by the 
 burgomasters, and hooted at by the rabble, 
 chafed and growled and raged like a furious 
 bear tied to a stake and worried by a legion 
 of scoundrel curs. Finding, however, that all 
 further attempts to defend the city were vain, 
 and hearing that an irruption of borderers and 
 moss troopers was ready to deluge him from the 
 east, he was at length compelled, in spite of his 
 proud heart, which swelled in his throat until 
 it had nearly choked him, to consent to a treaty 
 of surrender. 
 
 Words cannot express the transports of the 
 people, on receiving this agreeable intelligence ; 
 had they obtained a conquest over their ene- 
 mies, they could not have indulged greater de- 
 light — The streets resounded with their con- 
 gratulations — they extolled their governor as the 
 
^48 CAPITULATION AGREED O^. 
 
 father and deliverer of his country — they crowd- 
 ed to his house to testify their gratitude, and 
 were ten times more noisy in their plaudits, 
 than when he returned, with victory perched 
 upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of 
 Fort Christina — But the indignant Peter shut 
 his doors and windows, and took refuge in the 
 innermost recesses of his mansion, that he might 
 not hear the ignoble rejoicings of the rabble. 
 
 In consequence of this consent of the gover- 
 nor, a parley was demanded of the besieging 
 forces to treat of the terms of surrender. Accord- 
 ingly a deputation of six commissioners was ap- 
 pointed on both sides, and on the 27th August, 
 1 664, a capitulation highly favourable to the pro- 
 vince, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant, was 
 agreed to by the enemy, who had conceived a 
 high opinion of the valour of the Manhattoes, 
 and the magnanimity and unbounded discretion 
 of their governcrr. 
 
 One thing alone remained, which was, that 
 the articles of surrender should be ratified, and 
 signed by the governor. When the commission- 
 ers respectfully waited upon him for this pur- 
 pose, they were received by the hardy old 
 warrior with the most grim and bitter courtesy. 
 His warlike accoutrements were laid aside — an 
 old India night gown was wrapped about his 
 Tugged Umbs, a red night cap overshadowed his 
 
Peter's MAttNANiMous refusal to sign it. !24f 
 
 frowning brow, and an iron gi-aj beard, of three 
 days growth, gave additional grimness to his vi- 
 sage. Thrice did he seize a httle worn out stump 
 of a pen, and essay to sign the loathsome paper — 
 thrice did he cUnch his teeth, and make a most 
 horrible countenance, as though a pestiferous 
 dose of rhubarb, senna, and ipecacuanha, had 
 been offered to his lips ; at length, dashing it from 
 him, he seized his brass hilted sword, and jerking 
 it from the scabbard, swore by St. Nicholas, he'd 
 sooner die than yield to any power under heaven. 
 In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy 
 resolution — menaces, remonstrances, revilings 
 were exhausted to^ no purpose — for two v.'hole 
 days was the house of the valiant Peter besieged 
 by the clamorous rabble, and for two whole days 
 did he partake himself to his arms, and persist in 
 a magnanimous refusal to ratify the capitulation. 
 At leui^th the populace, finding that boisterous 
 measures did but incense more determined op- 
 position, bethought themselves of an humble ex- 
 pedient, by which, happily, the governor's ire 
 might be soothed, and his resolution undennined. 
 And now a solemn and mournful procession, 
 headed by the Burgomasters and Schepens, and 
 followed by the populace, moves slowly to the 
 governor's dwelling, bearing the capitulation. 
 Here they found the stout old hero, drawn up 
 like a giant into his castle, the doors strongly 
 
 VOL. II. 2-2 
 
250 roerback's harangue. 
 
 barricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, with 
 his cocked hat on his head, firmly posted with a 
 blunderbuss at the garret window. 
 
 There was something in this formidable po- 
 sition that struck even the ignoble vulgar with 
 awe and admiration. The brawHng multitude 
 could not but reflect with self-abasement upon 
 their own pusillanimous conduct, when they be- 
 held their hardy but deserted old governor, thus 
 faithful to his post, hke a forlorn hope, and fully 
 prepared to defend his ungrateful city to the 
 last. These compunctions, however, w^ere soon 
 overwhelmed by the recurring tide of public ap- 
 prehension. The populace arranged themselves 
 before the house, taking off their hats, with most 
 respectful humility. — Burgomaster Roerback, 
 who was of that popular class of orators de- 
 scribed by Sallust, as being " talkative rather 
 than eloquent," stepped forth and addressed the 
 governor in a speech of three hours length •, de- 
 tailing in the most pathetic terms the calamitous 
 situation of the province, and urging him in a 
 constant repetition of the same arguments and 
 Vv'ords to sign the capitulation. 
 
 The mighty Peter eyed him from his little 
 garret window in grim silence^ — now and then 
 his eye would glance over the surrounding rab- 
 ble, and an indignant grin, like that of an angry 
 mastiff, would mark his iron visage. — But though 
 
PETER FINALLY YIELDS. 251 
 
 he was a man of most undaunted mettle — though 
 he had a heart as big as an ox, and a head that 
 would have set adamant to scorn — yet after all 
 he was a mere mortal : — wearied out by these 
 repeated oppositions and this eternal haranguing, 
 and perceiving that unless he complied, Ihe in- 
 habitants would follow their own inclinations, or 
 rather their fears, without waiting for his consent, 
 he testily ordered tl)em to hand up the paper. 
 It was accordingly hoisted to him on the end of u 
 pole, and having scrawled his name at the bottom 
 of it, he anathematized them all for a set of cow- 
 ardly, mutinous, degenerate poltroons — threw the 
 capitulation at their heads, slammed down the 
 window, and was heard stumping down stairs 
 with the most vehement indignation. The rab- 
 ble incontinently took to their heels ; even the 
 burgomasters were not slow in evacuating the 
 premises, fearing lest the sturdy Peter might issue 
 from his den, and greet them with some unwel- 
 come testimonial of his displeasure. 
 
 Within three hours after the surrender, a le- 
 gion of British beef-fed warriors poured into 
 New-Amsterdam, taking possession of the fort 
 and batteries. And now might be heard, from 
 all quarters, the sound of hammers made by the 
 old Dutch burghers, who were busily employed 
 in nailing up their doors and windows, to protect 
 their vrouws from these fierce barbarians, whom 
 
Z^'^ EXTJIANCE OF THE BRITISH. 
 
 they contemplated in silent sullenness from the 
 garret windows, as they paraded through the 
 streets. 
 
 Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the command- 
 er of the British forces, enter into quiet posses- 
 sion of the conquered realm as locum tenens for 
 the Duke of York. The victory was attended 
 with no other outrage than that of changing 
 Ihc name of the province and its metropolis, 
 which thenceforth were denominated New-York, 
 and so have continued to be called unto the pre- 
 sent day. The inhabitants, according to treaty, 
 were allowed to maintain quiet possession of their 
 property ; but so inveterately did they retain their 
 abhorrence of the British nation, that in a private 
 meeting of the leading citizens, it was unanimous- 
 ly determined, never to ask any of their conquer- 
 ors to dinner. 
 
RKTlkEMENT OF PETER »TUYVESANT. 253 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Containing the dignijied retirement, and mortal 
 surrender of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
 Thus, then, have I concluded this great his- 
 torical enterprize ; but before I lay aside mj 
 weary pen, there yet remains to be performed 
 one pious duty. If among the variety of read- 
 ers that may peruse this book, there should 
 haply be found any of those souls of true nobih- 
 ty, which glow with celestial fire at the history 
 of the generous and the brave, they will doubt- 
 less be anxious to know the fate of the gallant 
 Peter Stuy vesant. To gratify one such sterling 
 heart of gold, I would go niore lengths than to 
 instruct the cold'-blooded curiosity of a whole 
 fraternity of philosophers. 
 
 No sooner had that high mettled cavalier 
 signed the articles of capitulation, than, deter- 
 mined not to witness the humiliation of his 
 favourite city, he turned his back on its walls 
 and made a growling retreat to his Bouwen/, 
 or country seat, which was situated about two 
 22* 
 
254 HIS CONDUCT 
 
 miles off; where he passed the remainder of his 
 days in patriarchal retirement. There he enjoy- 
 ed that tranquillity of mind, which he had never 
 known amid the distracting cares of govern- 
 ment; and tasted the sweets of absolute and 
 uncontrolled authority, which his factious sub- 
 jects had so often dashed with the bitterness of 
 opposition. 
 
 No persuasions could ever induce him to re- 
 visit the city — on the contrary, he would always 
 have his great arm chair placed with its back to 
 the windows which looked in that direction ; until 
 a thick grove of trees planted by his own hand 
 grew up and formed a screen that effectually 
 excluded it from the prospect. He railed con- 
 tinually at the degenerate innovations and im- 
 provements introduced by the conquerors — for- 
 bade a word of their detested language to be 
 spoken in his family, a prohibition readily obey- 
 ed, since none of the household could speak any 
 thing but Dutch — and even ordered a fine ave- 
 nue to be cut down in front of bis house, because 
 it consisted of Enjfcsh cherry trees. 
 
 The same incessant vigilance that blazed 
 forth when he had a vast province under his- 
 care, now showed itself with equal vigour, 
 though in narrower limits. He patrolled with 
 unceasing watchfulness around the boundaries 
 of his little territory, repelled every encroach- 
 
IN HIS RETREAT. 255 
 
 ment with intrepid promptness ; punished every 
 vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his 
 farm -yard with inflexible severity — and conduct- 
 ed every stray hog or cow in triumph to the 
 pound. But to the indigent neighbour, the friend- 
 less stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spa- 
 cious doors were ever open, and his capacious 
 fire-place, that emblem of his own warm and 
 generous heart, had always a corner to receive 
 and cherish them. There was an exception to 
 this, I must confess, in case the ill-starred ap- 
 plicant was an Englishman or a Yankee, to 
 whom, though he might extend the hand of 
 assistance, he could never be brought to yield 
 the rites of hospitality. Nay, If peradventure 
 some straggling merchant of the east should 
 stop at his door, with his cart load of tin ware 
 or wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue 
 forth like a giant from his castle, and make such 
 a furious clattering among his pots and kettles, 
 that the vender of " notions'''^ was fain to betake 
 himself to instant flight. 
 
 His handsome suit of regimentals, worn thread- 
 bare by the brush, were carefully hung up in the 
 state bed chamber, and regularly aired in the first 
 fair day of every month — and his cocked hat 
 and trusty sword were suspended in grim re- 
 pose over the parlour mantle-piece, •forming 
 supporters to a full-length portrait of the re- 
 
256 HIS FESTIVITIES 
 
 nowned Admiral Von Tromp. In his domestic 
 empire he maintained strict disciphne, and a 
 well-organized, des|)otic government; but though 
 his own will was the supreme law, yet the good 
 of his subjects was his constant object. He 
 watched over, not merely their immediate com- 
 forts, but their morals and their ultimate wel- 
 fare ; for he gave them abundance of excellent 
 admonition, nor could any of them complain, 
 that, when occasion required, he wa^ by any 
 means niggardly in bestowing wholesome cor- 
 rection. 
 
 The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical 
 demonstrations of an overflowing heart and a 
 thankful spirit, which are falling into sad disuse 
 among my fellow citizens, were faithfully ob- 
 served in the mansion of Governor Stuyvesant. 
 New-year was truly a day of open-handed libe- 
 rality, of jocund revelry, and warm-hearted con- 
 gratulation — when the bosom seemed to sAvell 
 with genial good-fellowship — and the plenteous 
 table was attended with an unceremonious free- 
 dom, and honest broad-mouthed merriment, un- 
 known in these days of degeneracy and refine- 
 ment. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously ob- 
 served throughout his dominions ; nor was the 
 day of St. Nicholas suffered to pass by without 
 making presents, hanging the stocking in the 
 chimney, and complying with all its other cere- 
 monies. 
 
AND ANNIVERSARIES. 257 
 
 Once a year, on the first day of April, he used 
 to array himself in full regimentals, being the 
 anniversary of his triumphal entry into New- 
 Amsterdam, after the conquest of New-Sweden. 
 This was always a kind of saturnalia among the 
 domestics, when they considered themselves at 
 liberty, in some measure, to say and do what 
 they pleased ; for on this day their master was 
 always observed to unbend, and become exceed- 
 ing pleasant and jocose, sending the old gray- 
 headed negroes on April fool's errands for pi- 
 geon's milk ; not one of whom but allowed him- 
 self to be taken in, and humoured his old 
 master's jokes as became a faithful and well 
 disciplined dependant. Thus did he reign, hap- 
 pily and peacefully on his own land — injuring no 
 man — envying no man — molested by no outward 
 strifes ; perplexed by no internal commotions — 
 and the mighty monarchs of the earth, who were 
 vainly seeking to maintain peace, and promote 
 the welfare of mankind by war and desolation, 
 would have done well to have made a voyage to 
 the httle island of Manna-hatta, and learned a 
 lesson in government from the domestic econo- 
 my of Peter Stuy vesant. 
 
 In process of time, however, the old governor, 
 like all other children of mortality, began to ex- 
 hibit tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, 
 which, thgugh it long has braved the fury of the 
 
258 HIS DECLINE 
 
 elements, and still retains its gigantic propor- 
 tions, jet begins to shake and groan with every 
 blast — so was it with the gallant Peter; for though 
 he still bore the port and semblance of what he 
 was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, 
 jet did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour 
 of his frame — but his heart, that most uncon- 
 querable citadel, still triurophed unsubdued. 
 With matchless avidity would he listen to every 
 article of intelligence concerning the battles be- 
 tween the English and Dutch — Still would his 
 pulse beat high whenever he heard of the vic- 
 tories of De Ruyter — and his countenance lower, 
 and his eye brows knit, when fortune turned in 
 favour of the English. At length, as on a certain 
 day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was 
 napping after dinner, in his arm chair, conquer- 
 ing the whole British nation in his dreams, he 
 was suddenly aroused by a fearful ringing of 
 bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, 
 that put all his blood in a ferment. But when 
 he learnt that these rejoicings *were in honour 
 of a great victory obtained by the combined 
 English and French fleets over the brave De 
 Ruyter, and the younger Von Tromp, it went 
 so much to his heart, that he took to his bed, 
 and, in less than three days, was brought to 
 death's door by a violent cholera morbus ! But 
 even in this extremity he still displayed the 
 
AND ILLNESS. 25& 
 
 unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong ; 
 holding out, to the last gasp, with the most in- 
 flexible obstinacy, against a whole army of old 
 women, who were bent upon driving the enemy 
 out of his bowels, after a true Dutch mode of 
 defence, by inundating the seat of war with cat- 
 nip and pennyroyal. 
 
 While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of 
 dissolution, news was brought him, that the 
 brave De Ruyter had suffered but httle loss — 
 had made good his retreat — and meant once 
 more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing 
 eye of the old warrior kindled at the words — 
 he partly raised himself in bed — a flash of mar- 
 tial fire beamed across his visage — he clinched 
 his withered hand, as if he felt within his gripe 
 that sword which waved in triumph before the 
 walls of Fort Christina, and giving a grim smile 
 of exultation, sunk back upon his pillow and 
 expired. 
 
 Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant sol- 
 dier — a loyal subject — an upright governor, and 
 an honest Dutchman — who wanted only a few 
 empires to desolate to have been immortalized 
 as a hero ! 
 
 His funeral obsequies were celebrated with 
 the utm^t grandeur and solemnity. The town 
 was perfectly emptied of its inhabitants, who 
 crowded in throngs to pay the last sad honours 
 
260 HIS DEATH AND FUNERAL. 
 
 to their good old governor. All his sterling qua- 
 lities rushed in full tide upon their recollections, 
 while the memory of his foibles and his faults 
 had expired with him. The ancient burghers 
 contended who should have the privilege of 
 bearing the pall; the populace strove who should 
 walk nearest to the bier — and the melancholy 
 procession was closed by a number of gray- 
 headed negroes, who had wintered and sum- 
 mered in the household of their departed master 
 for the greater part of a century. 
 
 With sad and gloomy countenances the mul- 
 titude gathered round the grave. They dwelt 
 with mournful hearts on the sturdy virtues, 
 the signal services, and the gallant exploits of 
 the brave old worthy. They recalled, with se- 
 cret upbraidings, their own factious opposi- 
 tions to his government — and many an ancient 
 burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never 
 been known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten — 
 was now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and 
 the big drop to steal down his cheek — while he 
 muttered, with affectionate accent and melan- 
 choly shake of the head — " Well den ! — Hard- 
 koppig Peter ben gone at last !" 
 
 His remains were deposited in the family 
 vault, under a chapel, which he had piously 
 erected on his estate, and dedicated to St. Ni- 
 cholas — and which stood on the identical spot 
 
HELIQUES OF PETER. 261 
 
 at present occupied by St, Mark's Church, 
 where his tomb stone is still to be seen. His 
 estate, or Bouwery, as it was called, has ever 
 continued in the possession of his descendants, 
 who, by the unifonn integrity of their conduct, 
 and their strict adherence to the customs and 
 manners that prevailed in the " good old times^'''^ 
 have, proved themselves wofthy of their illus- 
 trious ancestor. Many a time and oft has the 
 farm been haunted at night by enterprizing 
 money-diggers, in quest of pots of gold, said to 
 have been buried by the old governor — though -: 
 1 cannot learn that any of them have ever beeii 
 enriched by their researches — and who is there, 
 among my native-born fellow citizens, that does 
 not remember, when in the mischievous days of 
 his boyhood, he conceived it a great exploit to 
 rob " Stuyvesant's orchard" on a holiday after- 
 noon. 
 
 At this strong hold of the family may still be 
 seen certain memorials of the immortal Peter. 
 His full length portrait frowns in martial ter- 
 rors from the parlour vrall — his cocked hat and 
 sword still hang up in the best bed room — His 
 brimstone coloured breeches were for a long 
 while suspended in the hall, until some years 
 since they occasioned a dispute between a new 
 married couple — And his silver mounted wooden 
 leg is still treasured up in the store room, as an 
 invaluable relique. 
 
 VOL. II. 23 
 
262 REFLECTIONS. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 The author'' s reflections upon what has been said. 
 
 Among the numerous events, which are each 
 in their turn the most direful and melancholy 
 of all possible occurrences, in your interesting 
 and authentic history, there is none that occa- 
 sions such deep and heart-rending grief as the 
 decline and fall of your renowned and mighty 
 empires. Where is the reader who can contem- 
 ''plate, without emotion, the disastrous events by 
 which the great dynasties of the world have 
 been extinguished ? Vvliile wandering, in imagi- 
 nation, among the gigantic ruins of states and em- 
 pires, and marking the tremendous convulsions 
 that wrought their overthrow, the bosom of the 
 melancholy inquirer swells with sympathy com- 
 mensurate to the surrounding desolation. King- 
 doms, principalities, and powers, have each had 
 their rise, their progress, and their downfall — 
 each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre — 
 each has rtturned to its primeval nothingness. 
 And thus did it fare with the empire of their 
 High Mightinesses, at the Manhattocs, under 
 the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter — the 
 fretful reign of William the Testy, and tlie chi- 
 vahic reign of Peter the Headstrong. 
 
SALUTARY WARNINGS DRAWN 263 
 
 Its history is fruitful of instruction, and wor- 
 thy of being pondered over attentively ; for it 
 is by thus raking among the ashes of departed 
 greatness, that the sparks of true knowledge are 
 found, and the lamp of wisdom illumined. Let 
 then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn 
 against yielding to that sleek, contented security, 
 that overweening fondness lor comfort and re- 
 pose, that are produced by a state of prosperity 
 and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation, to 
 destroy its pride of character; to render it 
 patient of insult, deaf to the calls of honour and 
 of justice, aud cause it to cling to peace, like 
 the sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of 
 every valuable duty and consideration. Such 
 supineness ensures the very evil from which it 
 shrinks. One right yielded up produces the 
 usurpation of a second ; one encroachm.ent pas- 
 sively suffered makes way for another ; and the 
 nation that thus, through a doting love of peace, 
 has sacrificed honour and interest, will at length 
 have to fight for existence. 
 
 Let the disastrous reign of Wilham the Testy 
 serve as a salutary warning against that fitful, 
 feveiish mode of legislation, that acts without 
 system; depends on shifts and projects, and 
 trusts to lucky contingencies ; that hesitates, 
 and wavers, and at length decides with the 
 rashness of ignorance and imbecility. That 
 stoops for popularity by courting the prejudices 
 
264 FROIrf THIS AUTHENTIC HISTORY. 
 
 and flattering the arrogance, rather than com- 
 manding the respect of the rabble. That seeks 
 i»afety in a multitude of counsellors, and dis- 
 tracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes 
 and opinions. That mistakes procrastination 
 for deliberate wariness — hurry for decision — 
 starveling parsimony for wholesome economy — 
 bustle for business, and vapouring for valour. 
 That is violent in council — sanguine in expec- 
 tation—precipitate in action, and feeble in exe- 
 cution. Tliat undertakes enterprizes without 
 forethought — enters upon them without prepara- 
 tion — conducts them without energy, and ends 
 Ihem in confusion and defeat. 
 
 Let the reign of the good Stuy vesant show the 
 fiffects of vigour and decision, even when Tles- 
 titute of cool judgment, and surrounded by 
 perplexities. Let it show how frankness, probi- 
 ty, and high-souled courage will command re- 
 spect, and secure honour, even where success is 
 unattainable. But at the same time, let it cau- 
 tion against a too ready reliance on the good 
 faith of others, and a too honest confidence in 
 the loving professions of powerful neighbours, 
 who are most friendly when they most me-un to 
 betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the 
 opinions and wishes of the many, who, in times 
 of peril, must be soothed and led, or apprehen- 
 sion will overpower the deference to authority. 
 
 Let the empty wordiness of his factious sub- 
 
HOW TO MANAGE THE MANV. 265^ 
 
 jects ; their intemperate harangues ; their vio- 
 lent " resolutions;" their hectorings against an 
 absent enemy, and their pusillanimity on his 
 approach, teach us to distrust and despise those 
 clamorous patriots, whose courage dwells but in 
 the tongue. Let them serve as a lesson to re- 
 press that insolence of speech, destitute of real 
 force, which too often breaks forth in popular 
 bodies, and bespeaks the vanity, rather than the 
 spirit of a nation. Let them caution us against 
 vaunting too much o^' our own power and prow- 
 ess, and reviling a noble enemy. True gallantry 
 of soul would always lead us to treat a foe with 
 courtesy and proud punctilio ; a contrary con- 
 duct but takes from the merit of victory, and 
 renders defeat doubly disgraceful. 
 
 But I cease to dwell on the stores of excel- 
 lent examples to be drawn from the ancient 
 chronicles of the Manhattoes. He who reads 
 attentively will discover the threads of goldy 
 which run throughout the web of history, and 
 are invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But 
 before I conclude, let me point out a solemn 
 warning, furnished in the subtle chain of events 
 by wi]ich the capture of Fort Casimir has pro- 
 duced the present convulsions of our globe. 
 
 Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain de- 
 duction, which if thou art a king, an empe- 
 rorf or other powerful potentate, I advise thee 
 to treasure up in thy heart — though little ex- 
 
266 EFFECTS OF THE CAPTURE OF FORT CASIMIR, 
 
 pectation have I that my work will fall into 
 such hands, for well I know the care of crafty 
 ministers, to keep all grave and edifying books 
 of the kind out of the way of unhappy monarchs 
 — lest peradventure they should read them and 
 learn wisdom. 
 
 By the treacherous siirprisal of Fort Casimir, 
 then, did the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient 
 triumph; but drew upon their heads the ven- 
 geance of Peter Stiiyvesant, who wrested all 
 New-Sweden from their hands. By the con- 
 quest of New-Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant arous- 
 ed the claims of Lord Baltimore ; who appealed 
 to the Cabinet of Great Britain; who subdued 
 the whole province of New-Netherlands. — By 
 this great achievement, the whole extent of 
 North America from Nova Scotia to the Flo- 
 ridas, was rendered one entire dependency 
 upon the British crown — but mark the conse- 
 quence : — The hitherto scattered colonies being 
 thus consolidated, and having no rival colonies 
 to check or keep them in awe, waxed great and 
 powerful, and finally becoming too strong for 
 the mother country, were enabled to shake off 
 its bonds, and by a glorious revolution beUame 
 an independent empire. But the chain of ef- 
 fects stopped not here ; the successful revolution 
 in America produced the sanguinary revolution 
 in France, which produced the puissant B(^a- 
 parte, who produced the French despotism, which 
 
GAUSE OF THE TRENCH REVOLUTION. 26f 
 
 has thrown the whole world in confusion ! — Thus 
 have these great powers been successively pun- 
 ished for their ill-starred conquests — and thus, as 
 I asserted, have all the present convulsions, re- 
 volutions, and disasters that overwhelm mankind, 
 originated in the capture of the little fort Casi- 
 mir, as recorded in this eventful history. 
 
 And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad fare- 
 well — which alas I must be forever — willingly 
 would I part in cordial fellowship, and bespeak 
 thy kind-hearted remembrance. That I have 
 not written a better history of the days of the 
 patriarchs is not my fault — had any other person 
 written one as good, I should not have attempted 
 it at all. That many will hereafter spring up 
 and surpass me in excellence, I have very little 
 doubt, and still less care; well knowing, when 
 the great Christovaljo Colon (who is vulgarly 
 called Columbus) had once stood his egg upon 
 its end, every one at table could stand his up a 
 thousand times moi-e dexterously. — Should any 
 reader find matter of offence in this history, I 
 should heartily grieve, though I would on no ac- 
 count question his penetration by telling him he 
 is mistaken — his good nature by telling him he 
 is captious — or his pure conscience bv (t-fiijjo 
 him he is startled at a shadow. — Surel} 
 so ingenious in finding offence wliv^lo i-0!<- u 
 tended, it were a thousand pities he should not be 
 ^utTered to enjoy the benetit of his discovery. 
 
268. THE author's parting words. 
 
 I have too high an opinion of the understand- 
 ing of my fellow citizens to think of yielding 
 them any instruction ; and 1 covet too much 
 their good will, to forfeit it by giving them good 
 advice. I am none of those cynics who despise 
 the world because it despises them — on the con- 
 trary, though but low in its regard, I look up to 
 it with the most perfect good nature, and mj |j|||| 
 only sorrow is, that it does not prove itself more " • ■ 
 worthy of the unbounded love I bear it. 
 
 If, however, in this my historic production — ipji 
 the scanty fruit of a long and laborious life — I ii{l| 
 have failed to gratify the dainty palate of the age, *'! 
 I can only lament my misfortune — for it is too 
 late in the season for me even to hope to repair 
 it. Already has withering age showered his ste- 
 rile snows upon my brow ; in a httle while, and 
 this genial warmth which still lingers around my 
 heart, and throbs — worthy reader — throbs kind- 
 ly towards thyself, will be chilled for ever. Hap- 
 ly this frail compound of dust, which while alive 
 may have given birth to nought but unprotitable 
 weeds, may form a humble sod of the valley, from 
 whence may spring many a sweet wild flower to 
 ;> Jorn my beloved Island of Manna-hata ! ^^ 
 
 FINIS.