1&6* Fun— 1* 4-ffl cue .AkIU.- M tfaflBflflL * ^^11 in verse. By OLIVER IF. CASE, NEW HAVEN, CONN, LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. Ch^p. Copyright No. Shelff..£L^-3 UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Fun For the Million, Business Ads, Written in Verse. A hat with tall feathers is simply for show." 4- Now he starts for a fire and gets kindling wood, And he scolds about that, and says 'tis not good. " 'Tis a great deal too long, and so very wet That a fire to cook with I never can get ; 5- "The chimney is foul and it never did draw, And this stove is the worst that I ever saw. And this mean coal is much harder than granite, Takes kindling enough to burn up a planet." 6. With pan full of ashes he starts for the bin, He don't see the holes which the ash pan has in, And grumbling about wood flies out the back door, Comes back and finds ashes all over the floor. 7- Said he, " Can you tell me how this came about ? " He soon saw the holes where the ashes ran out. Then he said in his wrath, " I just hate the man, Who made up for my stove so mean an ash pan." 8. To sweep up the ashes he goes for the broom, And the ashes now fly all over the room, And he grumbles because the broom is worn out, And he throws down the broom and starts 24 9- Then his wife said to him, " Please stop at the store, And order some flour, the same kind as be- fore, And to have the bread right and good for our feast, Please have them send with it just one cake of yeast." 10. " Two articles, yes, and you'll want a dozen, To fix things right for your forty-fifth cousin, And you'll order ten times more than you're able, To make a big show upon your own table." Then he goes to the store for some good bread flour, And the clever store keeper saw he was sour. He snapped and he snarled and called everything bad, Said the goods were the worst that he ever had. 12. He goes to his home, he's sour and he grumbles, Till he sours the milk his wife saved for jumbles. 25 At tea when he calls for the jumbles to eat, He'll tell his poor wife she's a fraud and a cheat. 13. It would surely be wise to have it now planned, To send all such grumblers to some foreign land. I pity the wife who is under the ban Of such a dissatisfied fault-finding man. 14. Let him grumble and growl and constantly fret, That passion in us let us never beget. We've learned that good-nature and fun in this life, Is better by far for man, maiden, or wife. 15. If you're sour, and you're cross, your friends will be few, And very soon keep at a distance from you. If pleasant and cheerful with all whom you meet Then your joy and theirs will be far more complete. 26 TWO BUSHELS OF CORN. I. One Farmer Brown was shelling corn, By hand and with a cob, To get two bushels of nice corn, Was quite a little job. 2. But when our hearts are fully set, To do just what is right, Strength from the Lord we surely get, To lay our plans aright. 3- Brown's neighbor, known as Peter Rugg, He had not used him well, And Farmer Brown said to his wife, " My story I'll soon tell. 4- " While sitting here and shelling corn, I think a mighty deal ; If we're not willing to do right How badly we should feel! 5- " If we are right we know it well, Our conscience is at rest ; If we do wrong Conscience will say, ' Right doing is the best.' ' 6. His wife now put her knitting down, To hear her husband say, " To a poor family in town, I'll give some corn away." 27 / • Harry, their son, with music book, By one William Billings, Would not have failed to study that, Not for forty shillings ! 8. For in Hard Scrabble Church he sang, And there was sure to go; And now at home he's drawling out "Do, do, re, mi, sol, do." 9 " Boy! " was a word of stern command, And Harry knew it well, When spoken to he was on hand, In promptness did excel. 10. " Boy ! it's almost Thanksgivin' time, My duty I will do. This corn I soon shall send away, And send it, too, by you. 1 1. "The corn I'll send to Peter Rugg ; He has not used me right ; Two bushels for the roan to lug, I think would be just right." [2. The border lifted from her cap, She at the snuffers dove, The candle snuffed, with spiteful dive, With look not full of love. 2S 13- " That Peter Rugg's a lazy man, And gets his livin', too, By doin' nothin', that's his plan ; I can't do that, can you ? 12. 11 His wife is alius visitin', She'll to her neighbors go. Eat their plum cake and apple sass, The neighbors told me so." " But Peter now you know, is sick, His wife must surely eat, And if I show him my good will, My joy will be complete." 1 6. "Now, no such doin's I'll approve, This text I think complete; Eben, you know the Bible says, That you must work to eat." 17- " Do, re, mi, sol, do," sang Harry, While humming o'er his tune, The Ode on Science he would sing, And did it very soon. 18. " Well, Eben, now I do declare, If you send Rugg that corn, I hope it never will get there, That man I fully scorn ! " 29 1 9 . " That's not the right spirit, my dear, Our barns and cribs are full, For we've had splendid crops this year, All that our hands could pull. 20. "Now Peter Rugg is very poor, The poorest man in town ; The only man in all the world, Who weighs my spirits down. 21. " At peace with all men I would be, This may make him my friend, My duty won't be done by me, Until the corn I send. 22. " Now, boy, you go to singing-school ! " And Harry slipped away, The Ode on Science sang by rule. 'Twas better far than play. 23. The morning breaks, and breakfast o'er, To business they attend. " Now, Eunice, as I said before, That corn to Rugg I'll send. 24. " Now, boy, bring up the old roan horse, And take this corn to mill, Then take the meal to Peter Rugg, To show him my good will. 30 25- "To Peter Rugg just simply say, ' My father sent it here ' ; It may surprise him, and it may Fill him with thoughts quite queer. 26. " As we've not been on friendly terms, He'll think it very strange, But when its history he learns, The whole thing I'll arrange." 27. The bag was thrown across the steed, A bushel in each end, And Harry mounted with great speed, Now toward the mill they tend. 28. The morning sun shone bright and clear, It was a charming day ; To Harry this was just good cheer, None like it every day. 29. Young Harry Brown was full of song, Attended singing-school, Nor did it take this young man long, To learn to sing by rule. 30. In fact, the very night before, In song he rated high, The Ode on Science he could sing, And grand old Majesty. 31 31- Now onward to the mill he went, Singing aloud for joy ; A day by him could thus be spent, He was a happy boy. 32. It seemed that Farmer Brown had mice, And they were very sly, And they loved corn as well as rice, Hence this nice corn they try. 33- They spied the bag the night before, Tied tight and full of corn ; To gnaw two holes was no great chore, They did it before morn. 34. The holes were small, you may depend, By Brown they were not seen, But those small holes in either end, Soon did a work 'twas mean. 35- The horse while walking shook the bag, The corn came out quite slow ; I have no doubt the poor old nag Was glad to have it go. 36- The corn fell gently to the ground, No sound did Harry hear; The hens and geese soon gathered round, To them it gave good cheer. 32 37- Harry was in the land of song, Was singing with a will, And as he scattered corn around, The gobblers had their fill. 38. The old mill now is in full view. " I must adjust this sack, For it really seems to me, I feel the horse's back." 39- Harry dismounts to fix the bag, When lo ! 'tis empty, quite. He thought the horse had quite a jag, Hence he is in a fright. 40. He thought of witches and of ghosts, His mother's wish recalled. His father's face he feared the most, And there he stood, appalled. 41. "One thing is sure, I can't stay here, Nor can I go to mill ; I have no corn to make the meal, The bag I cannot fill. 42. No other way for me to do, But travel right straight home, And should my father punish me, Then I must let it come." 53 43- He mounts his horse, is homeward bound, Sings less, but whistles more. He soon is wrapt in thought profound. When near his father's door. 44. He reaches home, his father smiles. " Boy, what did Peter say ? " " I — don't know, sir — I've rode for miles, Have not seen him to-day." 45- " But where's the corn you took away? " " Father, I cannot tell ; There's lots of witches in our day, And mother knows it well." 46. " There, Eben ! " cries the farmer's wife, I surely told you so. No corn you'll get there during life, That's solemn truth, I know." 47- " We'll see, we'll see," says Farmer Brown, " I'll shell two bushels more." And so he shells that very night, As much as shelled before. 48. The corn was put into a bag, And thrown on old roan's back, " Now, boy, go on with the kind nag, I'll follow in your track. 34 49- " I'll see if witches, small or great, Can steal a bag of corn, And leave the bag in such a shape As Harry's was this morn." This corn in safety reached the mill, The bag was filled with meal, The object gained by Brown's good will, And his untiring zeal. Now o'er the hills they quickly go, And soon reached Peter's home. Brown says, " I hear that you are sick, To do you good I've come. ,52. That tired man slept like a rock, You might have thrown him off the dock; That's why the well-known drummer, John, Felt not the plaster when put on. 14. Her mind on curing him was set ; She said, " Do you feel better, pet?" He turned and stretched and grunted "Hey?" Of course she did no longer stay. 15. She bounded like an antelope, Ran screeching through the hall, in hope Of finding husband safe and sound, Although no plaster had he found. 16. Poor soul ! she was in such a fright, She feared she'd die that very night. A door ajar which she looked through Her husband's hat was in full view. 38 i7- Then through that door she quickly went, Her husband knew not what it meant, For there he sat upright in bed, And in imploring tones he said : 18. " Martha, what is it makes you cry ? And what is that loud groan and sigh ? " The drummer felt the plaster burn, And now to yell it was his turn. 19. His hands were clasped across his head, He feared that he would soon be dead. He drank — was told to turn about, Or drink would eat his bowels out. 20. And being somewhat in a daze, He thought that thing was taking place. The pain was so severe, no doubt, He thought it was inside, not out. 21. " Landlord ! " he cries, " in mercy come ! Before I die here in my room ! Drink is eating my bowels through ! My friends told me that's what 'twould do." 22. To ease the pain, you understand, He put upon it his right hand, 39 But when it struck the mustard paste, He pulled that hand away in haste. 23- Just as the landlord came to help, He left his bed and gave a yelp. The wicked man began to swear, And asked who put that plaster there? 24. " That's a strange question, sir, 'tis true, If any one can tell, 'tis you, Now you be still as any mouse, Or quickly leave my quiet house." 25. Martha then wiped her tears away, And to her husband thus did say: " I'll — tell you, dear, when my words come, I — I — got into the wrong room." 26. The husband being still in pain, Would now the mustard plaster gain ; " Please put it on, soon as you can," Said she, " It's on the other man." 40 THE GREAT TRAVELER. He lived in Milford, state Ct., He had not traveled far, And now intends the world to see, And quickly takes a car. 2. He starts for that far distant land, And Derby is the name, The sights to him were truly grand, He then was winning fame. 3- Admiring friends on his return Would honor him, he knew, While, wondering, they from him would learn, What passed before his view. 4- Hence on he goes, nor distance heeds, Nor cash he has to pay, But follows where the engine leads, To far Ansonia. 41 5- Here his astonished gaze is met By iron works and brass; And almost dazed, he never yet Thought this would come to pass. 6. Such sights he had not seen before. Was bound to travel far, And to that distant land, Seymour, Went all the way by car. 7- Wonder of wonders ! such surprise I That copper piles immense They did not quickly utilize For good old-fashioned cents. &" " To travel so, at such great cost, I know takes lots of pluck, If in that distant land I'm lost, I must see Naugatuck." 9- He sees the rubber shop up there, Where they make shoes and clothes, Said he, " I'll to the woods repair, And see where rubber grows." 10. He has the traveling fever strong, Now he is quite merry, " And should it take the whole day long, I'll see Waterbury." 42 II. He stood the journey, got there safe, And oh ! what sights he saw ! But he was hungry, took a lunch Of corn beef and cold slaw. 12. Then started out amid the din Of tools while working brass, But soon his head did fairly swim. Said he, " This place I'll pass. 13- " I'll go straight home and tell them there, This world is awful large ; My knowledge of it if they'd share, I'll give it free of charge." 14. And home he went, 'twas meeting night, His duty he'd discharge. Said he, " My friends, I never thought This world was half as large." 43 MY BEST GIRL. i. There's my best girl, she's awful nice, I'd not miss her at any price ; She's awful nice, and awful good, And handsome, too, that's understood. 2. And people say she's awful smart, In all good works she does her part ; She's awful kind, as all can see, And she is just the girl for me. 3- She's awful kind to those in need, And often helps them out with speed. Her disposition's awful good, She'd injure no one if she could. 4- At home she keeps things awful nice, And that she does without advice ; She sweeps the carpets awful clean, And dirt upon them is not seen. 5- Her windows, they are azvful clean, And clear as any ever seen ; And then her stove looks awful nice, Ready for puddings, bread or rice. 44 6. Her pantry's akvays awful clean, And nice as any ever seen ; Her crockery looks aivful nice, Her castor and her cans for spice. 7- Azvful good bread this girl can make, 'And with it aivful good loaf cake. And she can frost it azvful nice, And it would sell for a good price. 8. And she can bake a good beef roast, Or make you aivful good bread toast, Or make an awful good mince pie, One that will surely satisfy. 9- She's awful good to her mother, And awful kind to her brother; And awful clever to her cat, And awful careful of her hat. io. And awful neat with all her clothes, And nice to all, where'er she goes. She's awful bright and awful spry, Like Washington, she could not lie. It's awful hard such girls to find But she is surely the right kind. And if I fail her hand to take, An awful mistake I should make. 45 SCENE IN A SLEEPING CAR GO- ING TO THE WORLD'S FAIR AT CHICAGO. i. A couple from the country came To be made man and wife. They saw the preacher, told their name, Said they'd be true through life. 2. The knot was tied, he asked the price, For making two as one ; The preacher gave him this advice : Pay well, for 'tis well done. 3- He went into his pocket deep, And took out fifty cents, Said he, " I know a wife will keep, And I'll not mind expense." 4- The preacher then wished them much joy, Upon this hemisphere. The kind that's pure, free from alloy, They paid for it so dear. 46 5- That day they took a sleeping car, And started for the Fair ; They never thought it was so far, Twas tiresome getting there. 6. When night came on they needed rest, And hence they soon retire, But couldn't sleep, they tried their best, The car was hot as fire. 7- Thermometer all through the day Was ninety in the shade ; They in the sun rode all the way, On up and downward grade. 8. The water tank all through the day They patronized full well, And in the night he heard her say, " I've waited quite a spell, 9- " To have them all get sound asleep, That I might get some drink ; Then from the berth so still I'll creep, That none will hear, I think." 10. Said he, " I'll go and get you drink, You need not go for that, 47 The car is none too light I think, You'll need eyes like a bat." 1 1. Said she, " You'll make an awful noise, And wake all in the car, But I won't wake old folks or boys, The distance is not far." The car was still, all were asleep, At least so she supposed. Now from the berth she'll slyly creep, Quite still, as she supposed. 13- " The car I think is none too light, But I will try and see ; That I may find our berth aright, Hold out some sign for me ; 14. " Put out your foot and then I'll know Just where to stop, I'm sure, In the wrong berth if I should get, I shouid not feel secure." 15. The passengers were wide awake, Heard every word she said, And now some fun they'd like to make, While she was out of bed. 4* 1 6. She started for the water tank, Nor loud breath did she draw, But when with water she came back, What do you think she saw ? 17. A dozen feet or something less, Stuck out there in a row, One from each berth, and none could guess, Into which berth she'd go. 18. Her husband's foot should have a tag, Or handkerchief tied on, Or better still a little flag, She could depend upon. 19. " My husband if I do not find, My heart will surely break, I'm sure I can't make up my mind, Which of these berths to take." 20. " This is the one ! " he loudly cries, " My dear, come here to me ! " To her that was a glad surprise, A happy wife was she 49 THE PREACHER'S DONATION PARTY. i. In years gone by, please let us say, Some preachers got but little pay. In some small towns people were poor, They couldn't pay much, we are sure. 2. Three or four hundred at the best Was all some preachers could request. And if they got it all in cash, It was not spent for worthless trash. 3- A preacher in a town near by, A man on whom they could rely ; He did for them a pastor's work, Nor from his duty would he shirk. 4- His salary was very small, And 'twas hard work to get it all. And to his members it was clear, That they must try his heart to cheer. 5- His salary was way behind, The cash they did not seem to find; Then upon investigation, Said they's give him a donation. 50 6. To have the party nice and fine, They fixed upon hog-killing time, In weather cold, when pork would keep, So they could live both good and cheap. 7- The farmers often let it freeze, Then it would keep a month, with ease. Fat pork they put right down in salt, And live on fresh a week, then halt. 8. Very soon came zero weather, Many killed their hogs together. Then there was some agitation About the preacher's donation. 9- Variety's the spice of life, Hence they would please the preacher's wife. And carry them all parts, they said, That wife and preacher be well fed. 10. They met at house of Brother A., And while together there, did say, What kind of piece each one would take, Thereby a good donation make. Said Brother A.: " Sparerib I'll take," Said B. : " I'll follow in your wake." Said Brother C. : " I'll take two more," And that did end the sparerib score. 5 1 12. Said Brother D. : " I'll take shoulder." That made one man somewhat bolder, For Brother E. said : " Now just halt ! For I'll take two, they're good to salt." 13- Says Brother F. : " I'll take a ham, As tender as a young spring lamb. It's better far than beef or fish, None can ignore so good a dish." 14. Says Brother G. : " I'll take ham, too, If salt, 'twill keep the winter through, And if his hens now give him eggs, I think 'twill keep him on his legs." 15- Says Brother H. : " I fail to see The room for much fresh pork from me. I'll salt some hocks and he'll live high On those, the tender, nice pig's thigh." 16. Now Brother I. they kindly greet, He volunteers to bring pig's feet, Says he can clean them to a dot, And when they're cooked they touch the spot. 17- Then Brother J. arose and said : " None of you yet have named the head, 5 2 Now I can say with sincere heart, For me there is no better part. 18. " And now I tell you without fail, His boys will look to find the tail. Hoys have a way the tails to roast, That they are good they make their boast. 19. " Now, after all that I have said, I'll take the tails and take the head. Our preacher we will not disgrace, And say 'tis the minister's face." 20. And now perhaps you'd like to know, Why boys did for the pig tails go. As I have said boys made their boast, When they could get pig tails to roast. 21. In bygone days when they burnt wood, On hot hearthstones boys understood That they could bake pig tails quite nice, Nor did they need to ask advice. 22. The writer once saw young boys roast Pig tails quite good with bread or toast. Now let me tell you how 'twas done, As for the boys 'twas real fun. S3 23- They took brown paper, a large sheet, And wet it through and through, complete. They fold it once, put on the tails, Roll it like pictures sent by mails. 24. On the hot hearth the roll was laid, And ashes hot as ever made, Covered that roll quite near the fire, And soon the boys had their desire. 25. For in due time the tails were done, And then the boys were ripe for fun. The paper they unrolled with care, And nice and clean the tails were there. 26. And were well-baked and steamed all through, — But they might not taste good to you. Those boys would say pig tails that's right, Put ox-tail soup quite " out of sight." 27. Well now, this beats all creation, I didn't finish that donation. That night, at house of Brother B. They said : " To-morrow night we'll see, 28. " If we can do our preacher good. We'll all go there, that's understood. 54 If sad, we'll make his heart rejoice, By carrying some food that's choice." 29. They went, — 'twas really a surprise, He scarcely could believe his eyes ; He thought his members although poor, Were starting a meat market, sure. 30. Just then one brother quite well read, To his dear pastor quickly said, "Your salary is quite behind, But we won't let you starve, you'll find. 31. " And we have brought you down some meat, Which you will find quite good to eat ; The weather's cold, just keep it froze, 'Twill keep some time then, we suppose." 32. The preacher said : " I'm glad to see That you have kindly thoughts of me. If you have not the ready cash, I'll live awhile on pork and hash." 33- Just then a rap upon the door, Was heard, from just one sister more. Although that sister was quite late The preacher thought her good and great. 55 34- That sister he did not discard, As she brought sausage, a full yard. " And these," said he, " I need not freeze, They'll keep to cook whene'er I please." 35- The brethren stayed and talked awhile, And some who'd walked at least a mile, Declared that it was time to start, Or be late home, however smart. 36- Now very soon came the " Good-night," The preacher's friends were out of sight, And soon the preacher did explore His larder, o'er, and o'er, and o'er. 37- But hark ! and hear the preacher say, " I can't eat all this anyway ; I shan't live long enough to eat The ribs and hocks, and head and feet. . 38 -„ " How my head swims ! " the preacher said : "I think I'd better go to bed, And take a look by morning light, And plan to fix that meat aright." 39- The morning came, he looked it o'er, Said he : " I'll salt one-half or more; The other half I'll let that freeze, And that will my dear brother please." 56 4 o. Ho ate of sparerib that day, twice, And found it very sweet and nice, And the next day he ate still more, And found it nice, as heretofore. 41. But after eating it a week, Some other food he tried to seek. He tried a bowl of bread and milk, And that to him was nice as silk. 42. His pork was there, though, all the same, And he had pork of every name ; And even then it did appear As though he must eat pork a year. 43- " And I ate pork," the preacher said, " Soon after getting out of bed, And then at noon I tried some hog, To help me on life's journey jog. 44. 11 And then at night some pig, 'twas cold, And soon that kind of grub grew old ; And the next day I ate some swine, And then I did begin to whine ; 45> 11 But didn't grunt, nor root, nor squeal, Nor have pig's hoofs on toes or heel, Nor bristles cover me all o'er, But might if I'd ate pork much more." 57 TAKE A WIFE ; OR ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN. Take a wife if you can get her, 'Tis the better plan, by far. On this planet you'll not shine much, If you're simply a lone star. Take a wife if you can get her They're a helpmate, we can say, One to travel with is better. On life's rough and lonely way. 3- Take a wife if you can get her, Cheerless now a bach appears. And at times almost as lonesome. As a half a pair of shears. 4- Take a wife if you can get her, And start out in life anew ; Bachelors who are quite happy, You will find but very few. 58 5- Take a wife if you can get her ; She can bake, or boil, or fry. And to sew on missing buttons, On a wife you can rely. 6. Take a wife if you can get her, Let her then your home arrange ; And your home you might have nicer, If you gave her your loose change. 7- Take a wife if you can get her, Treat her kindly every day, And amid life's changes let her See you walk in wisdom's way. 8. Take a wife if you can get her, Love her as you love your life; In this world there's nothing better Than a happy home and wife. 59 THAT CABBAGE LEAF. 'Twas summer, and 'twas awful hot, The sun would almost boil a pot, Or singe the hair from cat or dog, Or bring to grief the big bull frog, 2. If from the water he should dare, With mortals, the hot sun to share ; Then very soon he'd come to grief, Without the shade of cabbage leaf. i- And men, for fear they'd come to grief, Walked beneath a cabbage leaf. They simply put one in their hat, For fear the sun would strike them flat. 4- And many could be found that day Who wore those leaves in that same way For of such leaves it may be said, They're good protection for the head. 5- A gentleman, a busy man, Thought he would simply try that plan, And to his garden did repair, But lo ! no cabbage leaf was there. 6o 6. And hence he thought to take their place, He'd use a worn out pillow case, Which, doubled up four times or more, Would hold cold water quite a store. 7- Twas white, and folded nice and flat, And put inside his business hat. Now to his business quickly goes, But smells no cabbage leaf, he knows. 8. To fix his business up complete, He must go through a central street. Meeting ladies, raised his hat ; That cabbage leaf struck the walk flat, And struck quite near the ladies, too, And then they laughed, as ladies do. This man felt bad and almost base, But he picked up no pillow case. 10. But kept right on, looked straight ahead, And wished that case was on the bed. He's worn no pillow case since then, To bow to ladies or to men. 6 1 MARRIED; AND GOT TRUSTED FOR A COW. i. There lived in an adjoining town, A farmer's son named Billy Brown, Although quite poor, was smart, 'tis said, And he felt quite inclined to wed. 2. He waited on a lady fair, And his intentions did declare, To her, and to his father, too, To find out just what he could do. *> :>• He asked of her her hand, that night, Said she, " I think 'twill not be right, To now refuse your offered hand, I'd take no other in the land." 4- His cup of bliss was full that night. He could support a wife all right. He thought he'd get along somehow, If he could only keep a cow. 5- Said he, " I've not the cash to buy A cow, just now, they are so high ; 62 Father might sell me one on trust, Although he's poor, I think he must." 6. To father he then made appeal, And very soon he made him feel, Like helping" his good, faithful son, The more so as he had but one 7- Said he, " I'll sell you a young cow, But you must pay for her somehow, Because, you know, I'm very poor, Would give her, if I could, I'm sure. 8. u If payment should quite hard appear, Pa}- me a little, every year ; And that will make your burden light, And you'll soon own the cow outright." 9- l ' All right," said he, " that's understood, Now father, you are real good. 1 think we now can get along, As both of us are young and strong." 10. Bill lived for years and oft did say, 44 For that nice cow I did not pay. My family is large," he said, 44 And we've worked hard for clothes and bread." 63 1 1. One day he seemed somewhat surprised, Sat down, and thus soliloquized : ' I owe my father for a cow, And he must have his pay, somehow. 12. " And if I've not the cash to pay, Must arrange it some other way. My oldest boys are large and strong, And father's work could help along. 13- I'll send them both down there to-day, And have them help him get his hay, And they must stay and father aid, Until the debt for cow is paid." 14. They stayed and worked all through the fall, Nor did they shirk their work at all. Helped gather crops, cut winter's wood, To Grandpa they were real good. 15. Grandpa went home with them one day, And father spoke of "cow" and "pay." " Now, Bill, don't say a word," said he, " The boys in work have well paid me." 64 THE WOULD-BE BEAU. One night he went to see his girl, And slipped in on the sly ; She was upstairs her hair to curl, Her beau she did not spy. 2. He hid behind the sofa, then, Where they had often sat, Like other girls and nice young men, When they sit down to chat. 3- Her hair is curled and now she's down, Upon the lower floor ; There stood a chap whose name was Brown, Who had been there before. 4- And this same Brown, he was the beau She loved by far the best ; The other chap would come and go, An uninvited guest. 5- Only a neighbor, but he tried To make her his own, sure, But that night he was satisfied, That he was insecure. 65 6. With Brown she then did talk, and sit Upon that sofa, mind, Where the first caller, dressed up neat, Had quickly hid behind. 7- Not then quite dark, they had no light, She then said to her beau : ~" George, I am glad you've come to-nigh-t, That Joe Smith plagues me so." 8. "Who's that Joe Smith, what's he to you ? I thought that you loved me?" " And so I do, I tell you true, But 'tis this way, you see. 9; •' Some years ago he lived next door, We knew each other well; What makes him now so great a bore, I'm sure I cannot tell. io. " He often calls to chat awhile, With all the folks, you know, I surely do not like his style, And often wish he'd go. ii. " Perhaps he takes a shine to me, I don't see why he should, But this one fact, I now agree, It will do him no good. 66 12. 44 Of course I have to treat him well, Our folks have known him long, But if he'd stay away a spell, I'd sing a cheerful song." 13- 44 Confound the greenhorn ! can't he see, You don't want him around ? He must seem green, it seems to me, When in your presence found. 14. u I'd just tell him to keep away, You have no time to spare, And, furthermore, would plainly say, 4 My love you cannot share.' " 15. Behind that sofa Joe Smith lay, Until about half dead, And he heard all they had to say, If he was not well read. r6. Joe Smith was awful mad at Brown ; He thought when Brown went out, He'd show him, if he was a clown, That he could cut him out. 17. Brown and his girl, till twelve o'clock, Upon that sofa sat, While Joe Smith's floor was like a rock, His pillow was his hat. 67 i8. Just then the father came downstairs, Told Brown 'twas time to go ; That seemed an answer to Joe's prayers, It was good news for Joe. 1 9. And while they chatted at the gate, Joe thought he'd leave the house, And this he'd do at any rate, As still as any mouse. 20. Joe started then to hurry out, The big chair threw him down, Just then he thought he was about The sorest man in town. 21. His fall waked them all up, 'tis said, The girl then heard it, too, They saw Joe holding on his head, And said " Joe, is that you ? " 22. " How came you here ? " they at him stare, And Joe could hardly say, " I hid behind the sofa, there, But did not mean to stay." us HER SODA WATER. i. She walked into the drug store, He met her with a smile ; As she had often done before, She sat and talked awhile. 2. " I want some medicine," said she, " Well, — Epsom salts, a dose ; And just how much I fail to see, You know, sir, I suppose. 3- " I'm told you fix it up some way, So that it don't taste bad ; If you can fix this so to-day, I should be very glad." 4- While she the morning paper scanned, He did prepare the dose, Behind his soda water stand, While watching her quite close. 69 5- " The day is very hot," said he, Our soda's very nice, Just try a glass of it and see, You'll think that's good advice." 6. He mixed the salts with syrups rare, He now adds soda, too ; The lady drank, and said just there, " I think that's fine, don't you ? " 7> " Why, yes," said he, M we always keep The very best in town ; On soda we are not asleep, And ours has great renown." 8. " Put up the medicine, just here, 'Tis time for me to go." " You took it with the soda, dear, 'Twill do you good, I know." 9- "The salts were for my mother, sir, You good for nothing dog ! I wouldn't serve a friend that way, Nor so abuse a hog." 70 THE BOY, GEORGE WASHINGTON. George Washington, he would do good He started out for kindling wood. Said he : " I'll bet a copper cent, I'll cut good wood for the old gent. A cherry-tree he soon espied, To that his hatchet he applied ; That cherry-tree was soon cut down. His father met him with a frown, And said : " My son, come here to me ! Who cut that little cherry-tree ? " " I cut it, father, that is true, With my new hatchet, bought by you." " What made you cut it down, my son ? To bear good fruit it had begun." " I did it, father, for your sake, For you some kindling wood to make." At this his father could but smile, And after thinking for awhile, Said he : " My son, I think you're true, Therefore I will not punish you, Although that cherry-tree by me Was prized far more than wood can be, But as you promptly told me true, I most cheerfully forgive you. And now, my son, through all your life, Amid all tumult and all strife, Cling to the truth, on God rely, Until He calls you home on high." 71 A BACHELOR'S WOES. i. A bachelor, we should suppose, Would be annoyed with many woes. I mean the bach who lives alone, And has no home to call his own ; 2. But hires a room, cooks for himself, Keeps bread and cheese upon the shelf, Together with his pork and beans, Potatoes, turnips, and cold greens ; 3- And milk that's spoiled, and butter, too, And pie that's moldy through and through Cold coffee in his coffee pot, From which he drinks when dry and hot. 4- Not only cooks, but mends his clothes, Darns up the holes worn through his hose, Sews buttons on his shirts and pants, And sweeps if he can get a chance. 5- As soon as he gets out of bed, His troubles come, so it is said. Into his pants he quickly goes, And lo ! a hole found by his toes. 72 6. His feet went through it very quick, Said he, " Of such pants I am sick, But off they'll come, if I've the power, I can't be bothered here an hour." /• He then bent down his feet to free, The bedpost then he did not see. He lost his balance, we suppose, And struck that bedpost with his nose. 8. The bedpost was not hurt, 'tis said, His nose was, for 'twas very red. Just then he was compelled to halt, For he had turned a somersault. 9- When he got free from those old pants, He gave his Sunday pair a chance. The floor was very dusty there, And so he stood up in a chair ; io. And when he had but one leg in, That old chair broke, — that made him sin, For it struck every corn he had, And you can guess that made him mad. 1 1. He stopped to bathe his corns and nose, Until he was about half froze ; He quickly donned his Sunday pants Now see him for his vest advance. 73 12. The vest is on, what shall be done ! The buttons are all off but one. " I'll sew them on so they will stay. No more poor tailors will I pay." 13- To thread his needle see him try, 'Tis full of beeswax in the eye ; And then his thread is quite too large, Said he, " I'll pay the tailor's charge.' 14. He now feels bad enough to cry, Into his coat he now would fly. Alas ! alas ! he quickly found The lining in the sleeve unsound. 15. Both hands he found went quickly through, And split that coat almost in two. " Confound the luck ! " just then said he. " The tailor I shall have to see." 16. " My Sunday coat I'll have to wear, I can't afford it, I declare, Might spoil it in the dirty shop, If on the floor I let it drop. 17. " I think I'd better take a wife, Than bother this way all my life, For she could take a stitch or two, And help me out, I think, don't you? " 74 IN THE STREET CARS. i. The morning was pleasant, And the street cars were full, With a far greater load Than two horses should pull. The merchant for business, And the clerks for the stores, And shop girls, and women Who wash clothes and scrub floors, 3- A lady soon enters, With her babe in her arms ; Although she was handsome, No one then saw her charms, 4- Or took enough notice, To offer her a seat, But tired, and weary, There she stood on her feet, 75 5- Until " Paddy " jumps up, In his rough, working clothes, And said " Madam, you'd like A good seat, I suppose. " I'd have said so before, But I'll tell you now true, That some young gentleman Here, should have asked you." 7- Now, I'm sure that we all Are now ready to say That Pat showed himself The gentleman, that day. 8. There is nothing more true Under sun, moon or stars, That few show themselves gents, When they ride on street cars. 9- For they pay for one seat, But they occupy two, And let a tired lady, Hold a child to their view, 76 io. And not offer a seat, Or to " move up a peg,'* If very, very hard With " her eyes " she might beg. II. A man or a woman, Who is healthy and strong, Should not let a mother With a babe, stand up long, 12. But if tired yourself, You should show yourself kind, Always show that you have A kind heart, and clear mind. 13- In regard to steam cars, If you please, let me state, On Dressed Hogs from the west They have lowered the freight, 14. But on the street cars here, Amid changing events, Some two-legged Hogs ride, And pay only five cents. 77 THE IRISHMAN'S GOAT. i. A clever old chap, Pat Murphy by name, He kept a confounded mean goat; That goat for butting had wonderful fame, He'd butt an old hog or a shoat ; 2. A cow, or calf, or a man six foot six, For that goat was both large and strong. A man that he struck wouldn't like his tricks, But be apt to move right along. 3- 'Twas time to pay taxes, Pat got his bill Of eight dollars tax on the goat ; But Patrick's idea of paying that bill, You can guess, was very remote. 4- He asked the assessor to tell him why He sent him that outrageous bill. It took just four dollars that goat to buy, Not worth that to keep or to kill. 5- That same assessor, his first name was Mike. And when called that office to fill, He made up his mind he had a good strike, As the town would pay him his bill. 6. Now Mike of his orifice felt very proud, And told Patrick that he didn't care 7* What the goat cost, and said this very loud : " You will pay that bill, for it's fair. 7- " I'll pay any bill that's lawful to pay, But I'm sure I'll never pay that ! " And we've heard it said that on that same day, They really had quite a spat. 8. " Now wait," said Mike, " till I read you the law, Then you'll know what you are about ; Your pocket book then you quickly will draw, And pay this tax, I have no doubt." 9- He then read the law and this it did say : That owners of property, where It was found abutting on the highway Taxed two dollars a foot just there. 10. " Now, Patrick, you say that you own the goat, And his feet when counted make four ; Two dollars a foot will surely make eight, You should pay, and say nothing more. 1 1. " As you own the goat, that's just what you say, On the highway he runs at large, And as he's abutting on the highway, You must pay the eight dollar charge." 79 HATS, CAPS, FURS TRUNKS. i. Cold winter now salutes you here, And when the weather is severe, 'Tis well that we ourselves supply With furs on which we can rely. 2. With good fur cap you'll have no fears, That you are freezing both your ears ; With good fur gloves, you understand, .You surely will not freeze your hand. 3- And how about that nice fur cloak, Of which your wife and daughter spoke? Cold winter is the time they say, Please get it now, and don't delay. 4- And now that snow begins to fly, For health you should yourself supply With good bear robe or buffalo, To keep out all the cold and snow. 5- For hats and caps we think you know, This is the place for you to go, And also for good bags and trunks, Some large enough for good-sized bunks. 6. Please price our goods, that you may know, That good goods can be bought here low. Our pleasant clerks will serve you well, In courteous treatment they excel. So FURS. Cold winter now we find is here. Your kind and faithful wife, May gently whisper in your ear: 44 The best time in your life 2. To give a sealskin cloak away, And muff to match the same, Would be upon a winter day, A present worth the name. 3- My hands and arms, I should protect In cold winter weather; If clad in these, I should expect A sleigh ride together. 4; Fur-collared overcoat is good, To keep you nice and warm ; Fur robe, fur cap, fur gloves, now should Protect you from the storm. 5- Now don't you think good furs might be Protection for your wife ? " My dear," said he, "come now with me, I love you as my life." 6. They came at once and bought furs here, And sealskin was the name ; Now, if you'd give your wife good cheer, Call here and do the same. Si "AD." FOR HATS. i. Suppose you stop and think awhile, Is not your hat quite out of style ? If so suppose you now agree, To call and buy a hat of me. 2. Then we'll agree, for that is fair, That we'll do for you our full share, And fit you out in tip-top style, Which we now think will make you smile. 3- Because we sell fine hats so low, And they are up to date, you know ; They'll please your wife, we are quite sure, And as to style you'll feel secure. 4- Or, if you're not a married man, But hope to be soon as you can, Allow us here to simply state, This style may hasten on the date. 5- Or if the date is near at hand, In this style hat you'll look quite grand, On wedding tour with happy bride, And you will feel quite satisfied. 6. We also sell caps, gloves and hose And goods you need, we may suppose, And if you will but come and see, A happy man you'll surely be. 82 GOODS OF ALL KINDS. i. Our store we think is up to date, Our goods you will appreciate ; They are first class, you understand, You'll find none better in the land. 2. Goods for your house, or store, or shop, The price on them we have let drop : In fact we've dropped them down so low, That down they can no further go. 3- We're selling good goods now for cash, For what you've paid for worthless trash, If you don't think so, make no fuss, But call and see, you'll trade with us. Our time we surely can't command, To name the goods we have on hand, We have as many kinds, and more Than you can find at any store. 5- We are well known, and never yet Have heard a customer regret That they have bought goods at our store, They're satisfied, and call for more. 6. Call in and look through every floor, And you will say, " The price is lower, Than any place in this fair land, Their pleasant clerks are truly grand ! " 83 FOR A LARGE HOUSE. i. Ten thousand eyes there are to see Clothing that's worn by you and me t Then please allow us here to state, They notice styles not up to date. 2. Ladies or gents, it's all the same, They notice dress of every name ; And bonnets too, so it is said, And hats men wear upon the head. 3- Sometimes they are so out of style, Some people cannot help but smile. If some but knew they caused the laugh, They'd soon have better clothes by half. 4- Now please allow us just to state, You'll find our goods are up to date ; All kinds, for ladies and for all, Both men and children, great and small. 5- And now allow us just to say, We're serving thousands every day, With goods to wear where'er they roam, And goods for thousands for their home. 6. Just take a look through our great store, And you'll find all you need and more, Then when through all the rooms you roam. Buy all you need, we'll send them home. S 4 "AD." FOR ANY BUSINESS. i. Some people run both to and fro, In fact in all directions go, To find cheap goods, the cheapest kind, And buy the cheapest they can find. 2. They find they are called cheap, but poor, And cost too much, they are quite sure. They should look for the better kind, And leave all worthless trash behind. 3- As these are facts, please let us say, We'll tell you of a better way. Call at our store for goods quite nice, That you can buy at a fair price. 4- Our stock of goods is Number One, No better under the fair sun. For goods that cannot here be found, There is no use to look around. 5- Our goods are what we call them, too, And we are sure they will please you. Our clerks will surely treat you well For in kind treatment they excel. 6. When we send our goods to your home, You'll say that you'll no longer roam About the town to find cheap trash, As these are surely worth the cash. 85 "AD." FOR ANY BUSINESS. i. Some people are anxious To buy their goods low, And all over the town They seem bound to go ; 2. Wear out their shoe-leather, Get all tired out, Then they take a hard cold, Get half-froze — about. 3- Or if it's hot weather, Get most melted down, And walk in the sunshine, Until they're done brown. 4- To save them this trouble They clearly should see, 'Twill be better for them To buy goods of me. 86 CLOTHING. i. Mrs. Partington, and son Ike, Have just been out upon a strike. She struck for a new dress and hose, Ike struck for a new suit of clothes. 2. When to the city they drew near, She says to Isaac, " Now, I fear That when you get to town you'll buy The clothing that will cost too high. 3- " We'll stop in at a dry goods store, And buy the cloth, same as before ; Then I can make it up, you see, That would be less expense to me." 4, " Now that's too bad ; did you not say To I might go to-day ? For there they sell good clothes, you see, If I go there they will fit me." 5- " My son, that's so, I had forgot I spoke about that famous spot, I think it best that we go there, For they will surely treat us fair." 87 6. Then quickly to they went, And very little money spent, But a good suit of clothes they buy, A suit on which they can rely. 7- " Your clothes were cheap, I must confess, Now I can buy my hose and dress. When you want clothes again, you'll know That is the place to go." Moral. Don't pay for clothes a price too high, But go to store and buy. CARD FOR CLOTHING STORE WINDOW. Buy a good overcoat that's nice ; You now can buy at a low price. We have a fine stock in our store, At prices less than known before. WINDOW CARD. Fall is now here, perhaps you may Want clothing at no distant day. To winter you should keep an eye, And now procure a good supply. 88 CLOTHING. $10 Suits. I. Ten dollars for a suit of clothes! How is it done, do you suppose? We find that it is done somehow, And ten will buy a suit just now. 2. Such suits are worn by many men, Who have paid for them just twice ten ; And they are worth the price they paid. But this price puts them in the shade. 3- We have these goods in every shade, The cloth is nice, they are well-made, And again they are in good style, And cost you only a small pile. 89 CLOTHING. i. When you pay out your cash for clothes, They must look well, sir, we suppose ; They should be made up good and nice, And sold to you at a fair price, 2. From correct date it now appears, That we've sold clothing now for years,. And in this town fine clothing sold, Now to talk clothing we are bold. 3- To shield you from the cold and storm, An overcoat that's good and warm, Will to your spirits give good cheer, Although the weather is severe. 4- Our goods you'll find are all first class, With us poor goods would never pass ;. And then a fit we guarantee, The styles we wish to have you see. 5- On children's suits we do our best, The price will set your heart at rest, If we can't dress your little man, We don't know any one who can. 6. For our good goods the price is low,. And we advise you now to go Directly to our store and see Clothing as nice as nice can be. 90 CLOTHING. Some men wear pants too large by half, Each leg would take another calf, And they're too long to look quite neat, Like ladies' dresses, sweep the street. 2. Then at the waist they're cut so low, They sometimes find their shirt will show. That's so when wearing a short vest ; Then the boys yell, " Pull down your vest ! " 3- Some wear a coat too short, we see, Right for a boy, say four feet three ; The sleeves are far too short as well, He'd make a scarecrow that would sell. 4- . We see some men wear pants too tight, We think their judgment isn't right. If they should go out in a crowd, Their scolding might be long and loud. 5- To fit you nice is quite a trade, And to have clothes that are well made Would make you feel quite satisfied, And please 'most any wife or bride. 6. For clothes on which you can rely, Call here and we will satisfy You as to quality and price, Then you will leave our store dressed nice. 9* CLOTHING. i. Some people scold and say things rough, Because their clothes are poor enough. That they are poor is surely true ; And now some good advice to you. Call at our store when you are out, And see just what we are about. We're selling now good clothes, that's true, And think we've just the kind for you. 3* A suit may cost a trifle more Than you've been paying heretofore, But they are cheaper in the end, For on these clothes you can depend. 4- And we can please you with such style, We think 'twill surely make you smile. And you will say, without a doubt, "This firm know just what they're about." 5-, AYe ve other goods you'd like to see, We'll show with a glad heart and free, And some of them, it's safe to say, You'll buy before you go away. 6. Call in and see, and you will find Our clerks are pleasant, always kind. They'll treat you well, if you don't buy ; On this you surely can rely. CLOTHING, i. Two brothers, known as Tom and Dick, One looked slack, and one looked slick. Tom always wore the best of clothes ; Dick was too stingy, we suppose. 2. Dick had some cash, and could dress well, And now about him let us tell. He wore the poorest kind of clothes, And looked quite rough, that goodness knows. 3- But he was stingy, loved his cash, And thought to spend it would be rash ; And we have often heard it said That he felt half inclined to wed. 4- These brothers knew a girl near by, On whom they surely could rely. Dick thought he would be satisfied, If she'd consent to be his bride. 5- And he was bold, you may suppose, To ask her hand in such poor clothes. That girl, they say, simply said " No," Of course poor Dick then had to go. 6. Tom offered this same girl his hand ; When she said "Yes," he felt quite grand. Tom had success, as you must see, By wearing nice clothes, bought of me. 93 CLOTHING. I. When a man dresses nice and neat, They don't put him on a back seat, And he can get most anywhere, And in life's pleasures have a share. 2 It now is spring-, perhaps you may Want a new suit some pleasant day. Call in and see the goods we sell, I'm sure that we can please you well. 3- Our stock of cloths is now complete. Our many styles are new and neat. Our fancy patterns, they are fine. With mixtures of quite new design. 4- You'll want an overcoat this fall, Our prices on them are not tall. Our fancy styles, entirely new, Whenever here brought out to view. A nice spring suit we can supply, At prices you cannot call high, And you can get all through the year, Good suits well made that are not dear. 6. Our foreign cloths and the home made, You'll find them all of a high grade; The kind of goods that will please you, For they are fine, the styles are new. 94 CLOTHING. Our fall and winter goods are neat, Our stock, you'll find is quite complete. Low prices on good goods will tell, Call in and see how low we sell. It is too bad to spend your cash On what is simply worthless trash; Have nothing left to satisfy, Nothing on which you can rely. 3- If you will buy goods at our store, You'll get your money's worth, and more. Then you will have goods that are good, By many that is understood. 95 CLOTHING. i. At this "ad." if you will but glance, I'll tell you where to buy good pants. We're sure you'll then need no advice. To buy good pants at a fair price. 2. The same is true of coat and vest, To get those people pass the rest, And come directly to our store. Where they have bought good goods before. Our styles they know are up to date, And nice to wear in any state; Can satisfy the rich or poor, And give them what they need, we're sure. 4- If you're about to take a wile, To share with you the joys oi life, In us you surely can confide, To please yourself and please your bride. 5- Gent's furnishing goods in our store, We'd like to have you look them o'er. They were selected with great care, And many styles are new and rare. 6. We are quite sure 'twill please you well, To look at other goods we sell, Call in ami look by day or night, And we will fit you out all right. 96 CLOTHING. i. Our stock of clothing is complete, You'll find it made both nice and neat. Our prices surely will suit you ; What we say here you'll find quite true. 2. We've goods of almost every shade, As nice as any ever made ; We have both light and heavy weight, And we can fit the small or great. 3- Just buy one suit, or even two, Then as a man you'll feel quite new. You'll say while speaking of our store, " I wish that I'd been there before." 4- If you are young some one will say, " I think he'll marry, right away ; " Or, if you're settled down in life, New clothes will please yourself and wife. 5- Now, my dear sirs, take my advice, And simply dress up neat and nice, For it will help you make your way, W r here you will see a brighter day. 97 TAILOR. We have a splendid stock of goods, That we should like to show, And for a splendid suit of clothes This is the place to go. 2. Or for an overcoat that's right, Well made, and nice, and warm ; The kind we make you will delight To wear in cold or storm. We always give a splendid fit, Of that you will feel proud ; Of any suit you have made here You'll speak in praises loud. 4- Our goods are suitable for all, Our stock is now complete ; And if you will but on us call, We can your wishes meet. 5- For wedding you will want the best, Made up in tip-top style ; The suits we make will stand the test, Try them, — they'll make you smile. 6. We lead in styles and have the new As soon as they are out ; Please look at them, they will suit you. We think, without a doubt. 98 TAILOR. i. To please our friends we always make Their clothes from best of stock. And as that course we always take We stand on solid rock. 2. We lead in quality and make, Our clothes the very best, And when these goods hard service take, You'll find they'll stand the test. 3- We lead in style, and always show The very latest out. Drop in and see us and you'll know Just what we are about. 4- If not well dressed some people say We're neither nice nor wise, At any rate we think 'twould pay To show some enterprise. 5- The way for you to show it best, Is to take our advice. Step in and buy coat, pants and vest, And buy at a fair price. 6. Our price is down at bottom rock For goods that are first class ; Look at them, you will take some stock, You cannot let them pass. 99 FURNITURE. When Bill Smith married Betsey Brown, She said, " If you're able, Whatever else you buy in town, Buy a tip-top table. 2. " I want with table, too, my dear, Dishes to put upon it, The latest style to give good cheer, When I look upon it. 3- " Mother told Papa years ago, Her dishes were not nice, He said she'd better make them go They cost him a high price. 4- "She used the old ones, chipped and cracked, But I don't wish to see, Poor dishes in my pantry stacked, Or used at all by me." 5- Now Billy wished to please his wife, And to our store they came, And bought enough to last through life, Dishes of every name. 6. Call here and do the selfsame thing, And happy be, as they. We think you'll surely laugh and sing, With joy throughout the day. FURNITURE. i. John Smith he married Betsey Hall, And boarded for a while. His bills he could not pay them all, He lived in such high style. 2. " Twenty dollars a week for board I can no longer pay, But to keep house, I might afford To do that in some way." 3- So John and Betsey started out One day to find a rent. They hired a house they knew about, And thought the time well spent. 4- To furnish it of course they went Directly to our store, And very little money spent For first and second floor. 5. As we sell furniture so cheap, It caused them much surprise To see the splendid goods we keep To sell at a low price. 6. Just what John Smith did on that day, Can now be done by you. Please price our goods, and you will say, Our statements here are true. 101 DRY GOODS. If you should now your thoughts express, I think you'd say, " I need a dress, Old-fashioned ways I think are past, If I don't dress, I shall lose caste." 2 And you can say that it is true ; And we should be glad to see you, Be glad to see you at our store, To look our splendid dry goods o'er. 3- Step in and look, you'll surely find Dress goods exactly to your mind ; Figured or plain, heavy or light, Either of them you'll find all right. 4- Prices will please you, let us say, You'll buy before you go away. That is, if you seek your own good, As we sell cheap*, that's understood. 5. You know our stock has great renown, We sell the best goods in this town. If you're no judge of goods we sell, Bring in some friend who knows them well. 6. If goods are not just what we say, Please send them back the self-same day, And rest assured that we delight In making our mistakes all right. DRY GOODS. i. It now is spring, the birds can sing, And you can make the welkin ring, When once you get your spirits up, And peace and joy fills up your cup. To get that joy please let us say, Call here and see us some fair day. We're sure our goods will give you joy, At prices which will not annoy. 3- Joy will come to you more and more r While seeing these fine goods in store, At such low prices as they bring, We're sure you cannot help but sing. 4- Call in and see the goods we sell, Our clerks will surely treat you well. You'll surely buy, that's understood, If you will study your own good. DRY GOODS. i. When you go shopping call on us, We'll show our goods and make no fuss ; And on this thing you can rely, We'll not be cross if you don't buy. 2. You'll find our clerks with pleasant face, Who'll wait on you with ease and grace ; They'll show you goods both rich and rare, Which you can buy at prices fair. 3- Dress goods and splendid underwear, We have selected with great care ; All kinds of goods for your dear home, To see them now you're free to come, 4, Call in and see the goods we sell, The style and price will suit you well ; We have laid in a splendid stock, With prices down to bottom rock. 104 GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS. i. We keep a full supply of these Of quality the best. Call and examine, if you please, And put our goods to test. 2. For shirts and collars and neckties, That are both nice and good, We sell at prices that surprise The wise men and the good. 3- And cuffs, as nice as ever made, Sleeve buttons for the same. Suspenders, too, the use of which I need not stop to name. 4- Knit goods and gloves, both coarse and fine, You need for all the year. Our stock is large, now is the time For you to purchase here. 105 CROCKERY. Housekeepers should have special care, Over their china and glass ware, And buy crockery neat and nice, We think you'll say that's good advice. 2. You may provide the best of food, Have many things quite rare and good, But if your crockery is poor, That's quite a drawback, we are sure. 3- Your plates are chipped and saucers, too, They don't look very good to you, Although with food you're well supplied, You do not feel quite satisfied. 4- To satisfy you, let us say, Get some new china, right away. Nothing will please you for the price, Like some new crockery that's nice. 5- We have some splendid goods on hand, When you see them you'll say they're grand, And on your table they'll look fine, When you sit down to tea or dine. 6. If you will call in at our store, You'll see goods you've not seen before, And we are quite sure you will buy, Because our prices are not high. 106 MATTRESSES AND BEDDING. i. How many times we've heard it said, We spend one-third of life in bed ! That we may sleep and get our rest, Our bed should be the very best. 2. We need good beds to give us health, And help us on the road to wealth. Poor men should have right straight along, Good beds to keep them well and strong. 3- Please call on us and you will find A bed or mattress to your mind ; Good goods are what we keep to sell, The kind and price will please you well. 4- Our goods we furnish to the trade As good as any ever made. Call here for beds or mattress, then, If you would be good, healthy men. 107 FISH MARKET, i. Most people like good sea food, well, And where to get it let me tell ; You'll find it here, both fresh and good, that's understood. It's good for health 2. All kinds of fish that you may need, We can your order fill with speed. We'll give you fresh or salt or dry, And goods on which you can rely. 3- We have smoked fish, oysters and clams, To get the best we lay our plans, To have the kind that's extra choice, And these are praised with willing voice, 4- The oyster you can always eat, If it is only fresh and sweet, No matter whether cold or warm. It surely cannot do you harm. 5- Our mackerel are extra nice ; Buy " bloaters," that is our advice. That is, if you desire the best, For these will always stand the test. 6. We'll call and see just what you need, And then we'll send goods home, with speed. We sell our goods at a low price, Buy goods of us is good advice. 10S FURNACES, RANGES, STOVES. Winter in earnest is now here, And good warm rooms will give good cheer ; To have the rooms both warm and bright, Our stoves and furnace must be right. 2. A stove or furnace you may need, These we can furnish you with speed. Of stoves we now have a full line, In styles quite new, they're bound to shine. 3- Perhaps you will not think it strange, That we now sell a first-class range. And now just here please let us state, That here you'll find an open grate. 4- Perhaps you'll say that you desire, For hearth a good old-fashioned fire, Of hardwood, in an open grate ; That's what suits you, you plainly state. 5- Just order one nice fireplace grate, We think we soon should hear you state, That you really do admire, A lovely, cheerful, hardwood fire. 6. Now as to jobbing, roofing, too, That's just the work we like to do, To get good goods and get work low, This is the place for you to go. 109 FURNACES, RANGES, ETC. i. The winter's cold is hard to bear, Hence for the cold we should prepare : Your stoves and furnace have all right, And ready for the winter's fight. 2. If stoves or furnace must be new, Those up to date let us show you, Our best ones have been fully tried, And man and wife quite satisfied. 3- We have at least two styles of range, If they don't please you 'twould be strange. People who use them like them well, And freely say that they excel. 4- Our parlor stoves are neat and nice, And can be bought at a fair price ; Then we've a furnace that's complete, Because it gives out lots of heat. Sheet iron, tin and copper ware, You may depend we make with care, Jobbing, plumbing, and roofing, too, We're satisfied we can please you. 6. For good work that will give good cheer, We are quite sure you'll find it here, It seems to us you'd like to know Where to buy goods, and buy them low. no SHORT ADS. RENTS. People of brains and common sense, Don't always seek the cheapest rents, And those who do will surely find They have not found just the right kind. You can have rents both nice and good, We'd like to serve you if we could. We know full well it's good advice To us to rent at a fair price. FOR SALE. A home that's cozy, nice and neat, One that will please you well, Located on a pleasant street, We know will rent or sell. TO RENT. We have good rents, both large and small We'd like to have you see. We'll try and please both one and all, If you'll but call on me. RENTS. We have a tip-top store to rent, Upon a central street. Look at it, 'twill be time well spent, For it is quite complete. TO RENT. If you're hunting for rents, don't hunt any more, We can rent you a house or rent you a store ; We have houses and stores, some old and some new, All at prices so low they ought to please you. f&r* £r* t2r* tfr* LARGE CARD FOR MEAT MARKET. A fine rib roast, and splendid steak, Spring lamb, and mutton, nice to bake, A pig that gives nine kinds of meat, Ham, shoulders, ribs, all " good to eat," Bacon, and hocks, and feet, and head, And pork, and sausage, good, 'tis said, . . . And now, my friend, don't " think us queer," We sell all these good things right here. 112 RESTAURANT. We often feel the need of food, And wish to find the kind that's good. Please let me tell you just the spot Where you can find it, cold or hot, — 2. Where you can get the best of meat, And many things quite good to eat; Fresh poultry, too, the kind that's good, And we may say the best sea food. .3- Our oysters, they might make you smile, And you might sit and eat awhile. We serve them in a bowl or dish, Cooked in any style you wish. 4- With pleasant words and cheerful face, We furnish food with ease and grace. We have a cook who beats the world, His banner here is now unfurled. 5- We feed a crowd both large or small, At prices low enough for all. If you once dine inside our door, You'll wish you had done that before. 6. For breakfast, dinner, or for tea, You are the man we'd like to see. Then when you pay us you will find That we have been both good and kind. "3 GROCERIES AND MEAT. i. Good treatment and good goods, they say, Will suit the people, any day. And if you would find both of these, Call in and see us, if you please. 2 Our groceries, they are the best, They'll satisfy yourself, or guest. Just now our stock is quite complete, With just the kind you like to eat. Our tea and coffee are the best, Try them and you'll leave all the rest ; And then our fruit, both green and dry, We're very sure will satisfy. 4- The splendid flour we keep, 'tis said, Will make the choicest kind of bread, .And when you want some first-class cake, This is the flour for you to bake. 5- \\ e keep choice beef and splendid ham, Veal and mutton, and spring lamb ; And butter, too, of every grade, Our best the finest ever made. 6. With these goods on your table spread, You'll say you had a level head, When you bought these goods at our store, And you will soon call here for more. 114 GROCERIES AND MEAT.S I. Choice groceries in full supply, That we keep good none will deny; We always do select the best, And quickly pass by all the rest. 2. Tea, coffee, sugar, spices, rice, All these we keep that are quite nice, Good soap, and starch, and bluing, too, And many things that will please you. 3- Our flour is nice as any made, It puts all others in the shade ; Buy this flour once, you'll buy again, No better on the broad domain. 4- The best of veal and lamb and beef, To give the hungry man relief, And pork and lard, sparerib and ham, You'll surely find these are no sham. Canned goods, the best that can be had, We're quite sure they will make you glad ; Many fine goods we have to sell, At prices that will please you well. 6. We call for, and deliver, too, So promptly that it will please you ; If once you buy goods at our store, You soon will call there and buy more. "5 GROCERIES. i. My friend, perhaps you'd like to know, Of a good place where you can go, To get groceries for your wife, The best you've seen in all your life. 2. Tea, coffee, sugar, flour and rice, Which we are sure you'll see are nice, And splendid fruits, both green and dry,, On all these goods you can rely. 5' While in this world of toil and strife, We know we need the staff of life ; To make that staff, it may be said, We need good flour to make good bread. 4- Flour bought of us, you understand, Always makes bread that's simply grand ; And then it is so white and sweet, 'Twill tempt the hungry man to eat. 5- In buying tea we use great care, As we know what tea-drinkers are, If they don't get the very best, You could not give them a full chest. 6. We can't name all our goods to-day, But e'er we close please let us say, We've many other goods in store, Which, if you try, you'll soon want more. u6 MARKET. I. We keep on hand the choicest beef, To give the hungry man relief, To brace him up and make him strong, To push the work of life along. 2. When you buy meat and want the best, To suit yourself or please your guest, Call here and see the kind we sell, We think that we can please you well. 3- The best of veal and fat spring lamb, And nice corned beef and splendid ham, Together with nice garden stuff, Which you will see is good enough. 4. Spring chickens and nice fowls well dressed, This is the place to find the best ; And they are always nice and clean, And good enough for king or queen. 5- Our canned goods you will find them choice, And praise them with a willing voice ; Our eggs are fresh, right from the farm, And they will suit you to a charm. 6. And many other things we sell, Of which we have not time to tell ; Call at our market, we'll explain, For nice goods you'll soon call again. 117 BUTTER. i. To get good butter and good cheese, And good fresh eggs that always please, Call in and get them at our store, And you will need to look no more. 2. My friends, did you not know before That we have them at our nice store, That's fresh and good and sweet and nice ? To get them there is my advice. .3- Our fancy creamery is choice, You'll praise it with a willing voice, And then just try our fine " Gilt Edge," That it is good you'll need no pledge. 4- The best of bread, to make it go For butter calls quite loud, you know. When both are good it makes you feel, That they alone make a good meal. And then we have some cheese that's old, As nice, we think, as ever sold, We also sell a lower grade, In keeping with the price that's paid. 6. Now, when you want goods that are nice. And wish to buy at a fair price, Step in and buy them at our store, You'll wish you had been there before. 118 BUTTER. In these days very much is said, About poor butter and poor bread, But it has come to pass somehow, You'll find good butter here, and now. 2. Good butter makes our meals complete, But where to find it good to eat, Is just the question many ask, But to inform you is no task. 3- If told you once you'll ask no more, You'll find it at our pleasant store ; Try it for once and then you'll say, " For such goods we are glad to pay." 4- The eggs we sell you'll find complete, And when you wish for some to eat, To boil or poach or quickly fry, On eggs bought here you can rely. 5- Perhaps you have not heard before, That we sell choice teas at our store, And coffee, too, that we'll agree Will always suit you to a T. 6. No more to you I need now say, These goods you'll find here every day, And active clerks to wait on you, And cashiers that are always true. 119 TEA AND COFFEE. i. It is a pleasant sight to see The ladies sip their cup of tea. (Of course we mean when tea is good); It puts them in a pleasant mood. 2. They then can talk, they then can laugh, While they their tea and coffee quaff, And when they have the kind that's good, They're happy then, that's understood. If good, they'll on it praises shower, And sit and talk for half an hour. This question soon will pass around : " Where can such tea as this be found?" 4- Just now we hear from Mrs. B., " I find it hard to get good tea, And while I say it, I'm sincere, I've had no such tea in a year. 5- " Our coffee at the morning meal, How good and strong it makes us feel ! To learn where it is sold I'll try, And I shall then go there and buy." 6. To Mrs. B. and thousands more, We'll say, you'll find it at our store. Please buy these goods of us awhile, And then you'll meet friends with a smile. CARDS FOR WINDOWS. Good underwear protects our health, And that is better far than wealth. Just now lay in a good supply, Because the prices are not high. Walk in, we'll try and treat you well, And show you what we have to sell. We have plain goods and rich, and gay, Which, if you buy, you'll find 'twill pay. Our stock of goods is now complete, The styles you'll find both new and neat. And we can please you as to price, Select these now is good advice. The people now know very well, That we have honest goods to sell. Please take a look, we think you'll buy, The style and price will satisfy. These are good goods, the price is low, Then why not buy before you go ? Please walk right in and you will hear Prices for goods that bring good cheer. WINDOW CARDS OR SHORT "ADS.' SILKS. Silks of almost every shade, Silks of almost every grade, Silks for the old, and young, and strong, Silks fit to wear in any throng. SILKS. Your daughter wants a dress of silk, She wants one that is white as milk. Such a dress the girls can carry, Just about the time they marry. SHORT "ADS." For men or boys, a suit that's nice, We now can sell at a low price. You can select from a large stock, With prices down to bottom rock. A story now let me relate, It is so true it should have weight. We're selling prime goods at our store, At prices lower than before. FINE OVERCOATS, $IO. "Ten Dollars ! " hear the cheerful cry, 11 A splendid overcoat will buy ! " Ten dollars is about half-price, For heavy goods that are quite nice. SHORE DINNER. If hungry as a crocodile, And something good would make you smile, Call here for something good to eat, Our sea-food dinners are complete. &nf t^fc f2r* *2r* CARDS FOR SHOW WINDOWS. This is the place to buy goods cheap, The very best we always keep. If you will only get our price, You'll buy goods here, without advice. Some men go on and make no fuss, And that is just the way with us. We mind our business, go ahead, And sell our goods quite well, 'tis said. Now if you would quite merry be, Call here at once and trade with me ; 'Twill make you merry when you find Goods sold so cheap, of the best kind. 123 WINDOW CARD FOR SHOES. Tall oaks from little acorns grow, " And acorns on a person's toe." On these last acorns drop the s., And then 'twill read "a corn " we guess. If you have corns please let us state, They can be cured both small and great ; But never can be cured — that's true — By wearing shoes that don't fit you. Step in and get some shoes — quite nice, Which you can buy at a fair price; Then very soon we think you'll say. " My corns have most all gone away." 24 CARDS FOR WINDOWS. Walk in, and take a seat, and rest, And see what goods you like the best ; Select, and when you hear the price You'll buy and ask no friend's advice. It's very cold, that's what you say, Then why not buy some furs to-day ? Look at our goods, you'll find them nice, And you can buy at a low price. We often estimate our wealth, But seldom estimate our health ; But if we did so, we should buy Of underwear a full supply. Bargains in hose we talk about, But not the hose that puts fire out ; The hose worn on the feet we mean, As good and cheap as ever seen. These are just splendid goods for fall For fat or lean, for short or tall. And would you know the reason why? They're goods on which you can rely. A shirt, — a shirt to fit, you cry ! Who can this needful thing supply ? All you need do is call on me, And I will fit you to a T. i-5 SHORT DUNNING LETTERS. Dear Sir: — Our bill is now before you laid. And don't you wish your bill was paid? If so, we now with you agree, And hope your check we soon shall see. Dear Sir: — We can but think you know, Our bill was due long, long ago. To keep your credit let us say, You should remit without delay. PLEASANT DUNNING LETTER. i. Cash with us now is very rare, And if you've any cash to spare, A little now would make us smile And help us move along awhile. 2. Excuse us when for cash we ask, For that is an unpleasant task ; We ask it only when we need To pay our bills, or buy our feed. 126 PLEASANT DUNNING LETTERS. Dear Sir, it surely seems to me A little cash we soon should see. Your bill has run so long, 'tis true, That now some cash should come from you. Kindly remit without delay, Then when they ask us if you pay, We'll say assuredly you do, For then that saying would be true. We have no chickens in our coop, We have to live on hock-bone soup ; If you will kindly send the cash We then might have some corn beef hash. The wants of men come thick and fast, And will as long as life shall last. We want some cash, my friend, that's true, May we not have it now from you ? Dear Sir : — Your patronage we highly prize, That fact we surely don't disguise. We've sold you goods quite low, 'tis plain, If you'll remit, we'll try again. 127 SHARP DUNNING LETTER. i. Don't wonder that we have the blues, Our boy's big toes stick through his shoes. Of course his stockings are worn out, And so are all his clothes, about. 2. Our little girl needs a new dress, She's hardly fit now to caress. And then our flour is almost out, Our coal bin's empty, too, about. 3- Of course my wife's nothing to wear That's fitting, to the house of prayer ; Sundays at home we have to stay, And let the old boy have his way. 4- As you delight in doing good, And freely give, that's understood, When you can help your brother man, Allow us to suggest a plan. 5. Simply to send us check for pay, We'll send receipt without delay. Then, when night comes, you'll sweetly rest, For helping those who are distressed. 128