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 ing it the most complete work on the subject ever published. 
 
 Containing the following complete Debates : 
 
 1. Is the Protection afforded to American industry by 
 duties on imports beneficial to the American people f 
 
 2. Which is of the greatest Benefit to his Country, the 
 Warrior, the Statesman, or the Poet / 
 
 3. Are the Mental Capacities of the Sexes eoua 1 * 
 
 4. Is Capital Punishment justifiable ? 
 
 5. Does Morality increase with Civilization f 
 
 6. Has the Stage a Moral Tendency ? 
 
 7. Which was tha greater Poet, Shakespeare or Milton? 
 
 8. Which has done the greater Service to Mankind, the 
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 9. Which does the most to make the Orator— Knowledge, 
 ' ure, or Art f 
 
 Bound in boards, with cloth back, containing over 200 
 
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 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
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 l\ O. liox 1144. 
 
 \ 
 
( 
 BOOK 
 
 of i * ~i (c 
 
 MOCK TRIALS: 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 FOURTEEN ORIGINAL PLAYS, REPRESENTING HUMOROUS 
 
 COURT-ROOM SCENES, ADAPTED TO THE LIMITS OF 
 
 THE PARLOR, AND ARRANGED FOR PUBLIC OR 
 
 PRIVATE PERFORMANCES. 
 
 j:p. 
 
 BY 
 
 RITTER, Jr., and WILLIAM T. CALL. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
 29 AND 31 BEEKMAN STREET. 
 

 COPYRIGHT, 1886, BY 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE. 
 
 
h -JL 
 
 OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! 
 
 It is common practice with writers to try to disarm 
 criticism by telling in a preface what they have left un- 
 done, what they have done badly, and what they intend to 
 do well in the rosy future. But the critic, like that un- 
 poetic little member of a lower order, gets there just the 
 same. It would be useless, then, for us to ask out loud, 
 Who ever found a play as interesting when read as when 
 acted ? Besides, we ought not to begin asking questions 
 here, as that is the business of the lawyers and judges in 
 the following pages, whose counterparts are probably at 
 tjiis very moment putting equally absurd questions in many 
 of the courts of this great land. 
 
 The Authors. 
 
 (3) 
 
PUBLISHERS' NOTE. 
 
 These Mock Trials are founded on actual occurrences in 
 the courts of this country. Playwright's license has been 
 taken where strict compliance with the rigid rules of court 
 procedure would be tedious and dry. There are no mere 
 extravaganzas in this book. Sharp satire on American 
 court methods and manners is the substance into which is 
 worked an amount and variety of fun and mock-heroic 
 humor (seldom overdrawn) that no previous collection of 
 short plays affords. Each trial differs from the otheF5"in 
 the prominence given to Judge, Attorneys or Witnesses, 
 and the characters are not reproduced. No similar book 
 of any worth whatever has been offered to the public, and 
 do not doubt that the merits of these Mock Trials will 
 be speedily recognized. 
 
 I hardly say that it may often be advantageous 
 to vary a trial from the form given in the book, by omit- 
 ting or adding matter, shortening parts, etc., etc. This, of 
 course, must be left entirely to the intelligence and inven- 
 tion of those who are " cast " as performers, or of someone 
 qualified for that task. The amusement of the audience is 
 n greatly increased by local allusions. 
 (4) 
 
COxMTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 O'Hafferty versus Tin Tung. (One female and 
 
 five male characters.) IV. T. Call, . . 7 
 
 Swearing In a Jury. (Seven male characters.) J. P. 
 
 Ritter, Jr. . . . . .70 
 
 An Hour in a Police Court. (One female and 
 
 eight male characters.) IV. T. Call. . . 79 
 
 Roperin versus Dudeling. (Six male and two fe- 
 male characters.) J. P. Ritter, Jr. . . 88 
 
 Confident Confidence Man (The). (Six male 
 
 characters.) IV. T. Call. . . . .18 
 
 Long-Lost Gaybird versus Amanda Meek. (Six 
 
 male and one female character.) J. P. Ritter, Jr. 103 
 
 Solomon Joblots' Great Loss. (One female and 
 
 six male characters.) IV. T. Call. . . -3° 
 
 Seraphina Frivol vs. "Agueville Argus." (Five 
 male and two female characters.) J. P. Ritter, Jr., 
 and IV. T. Call. 54 
 
 Trial of Augustus Swindle (The). (Six male and 
 
 one female character.) J. P. Ritter \ Jr. . . 115 
 
 That Great Water-Melon Case. (Six male and 
 
 two female characters.) IV. T. Call. . . 40 
 
 Case of the Widow Croly (The). (Six male and 
 
 one female character.) J.P.Ritt: , Jr. . .124 
 
 (5) 
 
6 
 
 PAGE 
 
 if versus Thomas Cat. (Five 
 male and three female characters.) J. I\ Ritter % 
 
 Jr • 135 
 
 [NINE JUSTICE. (Two male and four fe- 
 ale characters.) W. T.Call, . . .152 
 
 tSlTlON of John Joseph James Jenkin- 
 [NSON, (Five male characters.) J. P. Ritter t 
 
 Jr 147 
 
 Mouse (The). A Court Scene. . . .158 
 
RITTER'S 
 
 BOOK OF MOCK TRIALS. 
 
 O'HAFFERTY versus TIN TUNG. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 Judge Crusty. 
 Lawyer Rusty, for Plaintiff. 
 Lawyer Seedy, for Defendant. 
 Mrs. O'Hafferty, Plaintiff. 
 
 Tin Tung, Chinaman, with falsetto voice, Defendant. 
 Stephanotis Pinky, Witness. 
 
 Judge Crusty {rapping testily). — Silence in court. The 
 case on to-day will be decided whether the counsel are 
 ready or not. 
 
 Lawyer Rusty {half rising, hurriedly). — I appear for 
 the plaintiff. 
 
 Lawyer Seedy {starting quickly). — And I for the de- 
 fendant. 
 
 CRUSTY {aside while writing names of lawyers). — "Tried 
 before Judge Crusty. Rusty for {spelling abbreviatioiis) 
 p-t-double f. Seedy for d-e-f-t. A fine array of talent. 
 Well, this must be an important case." {Suddenly, to law- 
 yers.) I would like to see one of you get something half de- 
 cent in the way of a coat out of this. It's enough to make 
 a judge squint-eyed to see those same shiny old coats year 
 in and year out. Why don't you beg or borrow one some- 
 time? 
 
8 0*HAFFERTY Vi 
 
 I'll get one, 
 
 your I lonor, if I win this » 
 
 i. — What ! arc yon trying to bribe me 
 
 Do you think I am on this bench in the 
 
 lnt< lid-hand clothing dealers? I never heard 
 
 h impudence. If I don't check it right here, by and 
 
 by you'll want to borrow my suspenders to hang yourself 
 
 with. 
 
 RUSTY* — I meant no offense. 
 Seedy.— Nor I. either. 
 
 Crusty. — No, I should say you didn't. If I thought you 
 knew enough to offend any one, I'd have you both locked 
 up for tramps. Go on with your case. {Occupies himself 
 
 {humbly.) — Very well, your Honor. This is an 
 action brought by my client, a lady in good standing, 
 against the defendant for injury to her business of pur- 
 veyor to the public necessities for the immaculate. I — 
 
 Crusty. — Hold on right there. Now, what kind of a 
 
 business is that — " purveyor to the public necessities for 
 
 the immaculate " ? Is this a case of fraud in the Custom- 
 
 House, or robbery on the high seas, or what is it ? What 
 
 in the name of Webster and Worcester and all their mur- 
 
 a " purveyor to the public necessities for the im- 
 
 "? 
 
 RUSTY.— 1 refer — 
 
 — No references necessary. In plain United 
 States English, what is a " purveyor to the public neccssi- 
 : >r the immaculate " ? 
 
 th an effort). — A-a-a washerwoman, your 
 
 —Oho! that's it, is it : sec here, both of 
 
 I have said time and again to the lawyers that come 
 
 to I l stand any jumping-jack tricks 
 
 with words, and what I say I mean, sure as my name is 
 
O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 9 
 
 Judge Crusty. Is your linen a sample of your client's im- 
 maculate work ? 
 
 Rusty. — No, your Honor; but I can bring in some speci- 
 mens if you would like to see them. 
 
 Crusty. — Bring in the purveyor instead. I'll find out 
 about her ability. 
 
 Rusty. — As you will have it, your Honor. (To O'Haf- 
 ferty.) Step to the witness-stand,eif you please. 
 
 O'Hafferty {stepping tip, and bobbing her head to the 
 Judge), — Good marnin', yer Honor; good marnin', Joodge. 
 
 Crusty (writing and taking no notice of salutation.) — 
 What is your name ? 
 
 O'Hafferty (rapidly). — Jane Ann Flaherty Raflerty 
 O'Hafferty. 
 
 CRUSTY (dropping pen in amazement). — What ! 
 
 O'Hafferty {louder and faster). — Jane Ann Flaherty 
 Raflerty O'Hafferty. 
 
 Crusty. -Is that all ? 
 
 O'Hafferty. — And ain't that enough for a poor work- 
 ing-woman ? 
 
 Crusty. — Yes, that's name enough for a Russian. Now, 
 Mrs. Hafferty-Rarlerty-O'Tafferty— 
 
 O'Hafferty (bobbing her head in ?nock politeness). — Mrs. 
 O'Hafferty is moi name, af you please. 
 
 Crusty. — O it is? Then you are not a Russian. 
 
 O'Hafferty (moving her head decidedly). — Yis Oi am. 
 Oi am a rushan at me work, Oi am. 
 
 Crusty. — All right, all right. Where were you 
 born ? 
 
 O'Hafferty (proudly). — County Kilkenny in the Imer- 
 ald Oile. 
 
 Crusty (writing). — Kilkenny — {testily, aside,) cats ! 
 
 O'Hafferty {quickly and defiantly). — Rats ! begorra ! 
 
 Crusty (a little startled). — How long have you be^n in 
 this country ? 
 
IO 
 
 O'Hafferti . Mr little Patsy is a-working 
 
 in th- ard now. 
 
 — What has your little Pat to do with it? 
 
 O'Hafferty. — Sure. me little Patsy born the 
 
 landed in C :rdcn, and wasn't he tin 
 
 LSt week when he went to work in the brick- 
 
 CRUSTY. —How do I know whether he w r as or not? 
 
 O'HAFFERTY [excitedly), — Will yer hear him? How 
 
 does he know whither he was or not? Upon me soul, 
 
 you're the most ignorantest Joodge Oi iver saw. {Threat- 
 
 with her hands). And it ain't the likes o' you as 
 
 can knock out an O'Hafferty. 
 
 Crusty {uneasily). — There, there, Mrs. O'Hafferty, that 
 will do. {Sharply to Rusty). Why don't you go on with 
 your witness? 
 
 Rusty.— I will, I will, your Honor. Mrs. O'Hafferty, 
 you had a prosperous laundry business before your rival 
 came into the street, did you not? 
 
 O'Hafferty. — Moi roival ! It wasn't moi roival that hurt 
 me business, it was that yaller-skinned Chinaman, Tin Tung. 
 Rusty. — That's what I mean. Now tell us how he in- 
 jured your business. 
 
 O'Hafferty. — And don't you know as well as I do? 
 Didn't he stand out on the sidewalk and tell me best cus- 
 tomers that I washed their clothes wid sewer wather? And 
 In't he put a sign in his window, "socks, 3 cints, and 
 T s, 8 cints "? And didn't he stale away me best cus- 
 Ir. Pinky, with his hathenish tricks? 
 
 • just the point, Mrs. O'Hafferty. We will 
 
 1 It's an outrage for this cheap Chinese 
 
 the business of an honest working- 
 
 and I shall demand $200 damaj 
 
 O'IIaiferty.— That's roight, Mr. Rusty. Oi will give 
 
 you tin dollars if you get me the two hundred. 
 
O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. II 
 
 Crusty. — I won't have lawyers making bargains with 
 their clients in this court. 
 
 Rusty. — It was her own proposition, your Honor. It 
 was not my fault. I am through with the witness 
 now. 
 
 Crusty. — Then I warn the opposing counsel, Mr. Seedy, 
 to be careful not to excite this dangerous witness in the 
 cross-examination. 
 
 Seedy. — I will be very careful, your Honor. ( To witness.) 
 Mrs. O'Hafferty, how old are you ? 
 
 O'Hafferty {excitedly). — What business is that to you, 
 yer half-starved sculpin, yer? Oi moight be a hundred be- 
 fore Oi'd tell you. 
 
 Crusty. — There you go the first thing. I never saw 
 such a brace of half-witted lawyers in my life. Can't you 
 understand that this old woman — 
 
 O'Hafferty {wildly, to Judge).— O-o-o-o I Oi am an 
 old woman, am Oi ? Come down out of that, yer blather- 
 skite, and Oi'll show yer whither the widdy O'Hafferty is 
 an old woman or not. 
 
 Crusty {starting, l/ien to lawyers). — Take away this 
 witness. I have heard enough of this testimony. Such 
 legal lights as you are would mix up any case. Try another 
 witness, and see if you can do any better. 
 
 Rusty {humbly). — I will do my best, your Honor. Mrs. 
 O'Hafferty, step this way, please ; I have something to say 
 to you privately. 
 
 O'Hafferty. — No, Oi'll not. I want me money. 
 
 Rusty — You shall have your money, my dear Mrs. 
 O'Hafferty, if you will go to your residence and get a speci- 
 men of your handiwork. 
 
 O'Hafferty. — Me "hondiwurk," what's that? 
 
 Crusty. — I would like to see whether you do good work. 
 Will you bring in a clean shirt, for instance ? 
 
 O'Hafferty.— Oi will that. Oi will that. And Oi'll 
 
i I HAFFKRTY VERSUS UN rUNG, 
 
 here In half an hour wid as foinc a shun as iver yer 
 on. 
 
 . muttering : " < '/ can i 
 / Choinaman in the country.") 
 v. — Well, well ; who and what next? 
 RUSTY.— My next witness is Mr. Pinky. (To Pinky.) 
 to the Stand, sir. 
 
 (Pinky walks daintily to stand.) 
 
 RUSTY.— Your full name, sir? 
 
 Pinky {primly).— Stcphanotis Pinky. 
 
 Crusty (aside, while writing)* — Steph-a-no-tis Pinky. A 
 sweet-scented creature, I'll warrant. (To witness.) Is that 
 your full name, young man ? 
 
 Pinky. — It is, Mr. Judge. It is, really. 
 
 Crusty (imitating Pinky's tone). — Really? 
 
 Pinky (earnestly). — Yes, really, Mr. Judge ; really, really. 
 
 Crusty. — Wonderful, wonderful ! What is your bus- 
 iness ? 
 
 Pinky (proudly). — I am chief of the lace and ribbon de- 
 partment of Frill & Flounce's great store at the corner 
 of— 
 
 Crusty. — Yes, yes ; I know who they are. (To Rusty.) 
 Go on with your witness, Mr. Rusty. 
 
 Rusty. — You were formerly a customer of Mrs. O'Haf- 
 ferty, were you not, Mr. Pinky? 
 
 Pinky. — Yes-s, I gave her all my laundry work. 
 
 tv. — How many pieces did your laundry bundle aver- 
 
 Pinky. — Ever so many. Why, I often had as many as 
 j lie neckties in one week. 
 -Why did you discontinue sending your laundry 
 O'l laffei 
 :y (with dignity). — I decline to answer so imperti- 
 nent a question. I would have you to understand that I 
 am not to be trifled with. 
 
O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 1 3 
 
 Crusty {sternly). — Answer that question, Mr. Stepha- 
 notis Pinkeye, or I will have you locked up for a contu- 
 macious witness. 
 
 Pinky {pleadingly). — O gracious ! I don't know what a 
 contumacious witness is, but it must be something just aw- 
 ful. I will tell everything you want me to, Mr. Judge. 
 
 Crusty. — I don't want you to tell me anything. I want 
 to know why you changed from one washerwoman to an- 
 other. Now tell me that, young man ! It is a very im- 
 portant point in this case. 
 
 Pinky — I didn't change, Mr. Judge, from one washer- 
 woman to another. I didn't, really. 
 
 Crusty {in thundering tones). — What ! Why, I'll commit 
 you for perjury. I'll give you one more chance. Did you 
 not change from one washerwoman to another ? 
 
 Pinky. — I did not; truly I did not, Mr. Judge. I left 
 Mrs. O'HaiTerty at the solicitation of Mr. Tin Tung. That 
 is, I only changed from a washer- woman to a China-///a//. 
 
 Crusty. — Well, wasn't that just what I said? 
 
 Pinky {meekly). — Yes, Mr. Judge, I think it was. 
 
 Crusty. — Don't you know it was? 
 
 Pinky. — Oh ! I do, I do. I really know it was. 
 
 Crusty {to lawyers). — Don't go to sleep. Do you think 
 I am going to conduct this entire case myself? 
 
 Rusty {starting). — O no, your Honor ; I was thinking up 
 my next question. {To Pinky.) What did the Chinese 
 laundry man say to you that made you take your work from 
 Mrs. O'Hafferty and give it to him ? 
 
 Pinky. — 1 respectfully decline to reply to your imperti- 
 nent interrogatory. 
 
 Crusty. — Good, young man. That's the only glimmer 
 of common sense I've seen to-day. {Sternly.) Answer 
 that question. 
 
 Pinky. — O certainly, Mr. Judge. I had prepared my 
 laundry bundle with great care, having sprinkled lavender- 
 
14 HAFFERTY VERSl S TIN n N 
 
 water on the soiled clothes before going out. I never Bus- 
 ted any one would gueSS what I had in the bundle. 
 Well, I was just taking it into Mrs. O'Hafferty's house. 
 
 when I heard the stirring cry of "cash ! " Obeying my first 
 impulse. I ran right Straight Up to the source of this familiar 
 sound, only to find Mr. Tin Tung waiting for me behind a 
 telegraph-pole. I was greatly incensed to be so grossly 
 
 deceived, but when Mr. Tin Tung assured me that Mrs. 
 O'HaiTerty actually used sewer-water on my three-inch- 
 four-ply collars, I was just furious. Really, I was just 
 furious. 
 
 Crusty. — Were you as furious as a dead lion, do you 
 think ? 
 
 Pinky {positively).— Fully, Mr. Judge, fully; and I at 
 once went with Mr. Tung to his laboratory. 
 
 Crusty.— To his what? 
 
 Pinky. — To Mr. Tung's laundry, and I have patronized 
 him ever since. 
 
 Crusty. — Did you recommend your friends to go there, 
 too, in preference to Mrs. O'Hafferty's ? 
 
 Pinky. — To be sure 1 did. I introduced Willie Feather- 
 weight and Bertie Lilliewhite to Mr. Tung. 
 
 Rusty.— That will do. 
 
 Seedy.— That will do. 
 
 Crusty. — Take your seat. (Pinky walks daintily to seat) 
 
 RUSTY (rising and hemming), — Thus, your Honor, closes 
 the testimony for the prosecution. What have I proved ? 
 
 Crusty [interrupting). — Nothing; nothing at all. 
 
 i y. — I crave your Honor's pardon. What have we 
 brought to light? A villainous conspiracy, a treacherous 
 fraud. We have shown how this poor widow lady has for 
 ten years earned her daily bread by her scrubbing toil, 
 and even while her little son Patsy delves among the rec- 
 tangular products of the brick-yard. We have shown how 
 the insidious villain has well-nigh worked the destruction 
 
O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 1 5 
 
 of this happy home. Like a thief in the night he has 
 done his work. Taking a contemptible advantage of a 
 young man's business training he vents upon the still air 
 the charmed watchword " cash ! " In this one word lies 
 the entire plot. This one word "cash" also sounds the 
 keynote of our necessities. 
 
 Crusty. — Not our necessities. 
 
 Rusty. — My necessities — that is, my client's necessities. 
 The poorhouse yawns for us — for her, I mean. Damages 
 are due her. It is "cas/i" she wants. Nothing less (strik- 
 ing table with closed hand vehemently) ; nothing less, I say, 
 than two hundred dollars — two hundred dollars. {Sits 
 doom ) 
 
 Crusty. — I am glad to find that the orators are not all 
 dead yet. Even lawyer Seedy seems to be still alive, but 
 he hasn't shown it to-day. Haven't you anything to do 
 with this case, Mr. Seedy ? 
 
 Seedy. — Yes, your Honor. I will bring up the defence 
 now. Mr. Tin Tung, you may step to the witness-stand. 
 {Looks around anxiously.) Where is he ? Where's the Chi- 
 naman ? 
 
 CRUSTY (rapping table impaiiently). — Ting- A-Ling-Ling, 
 come into court. 
 
 (Tin comes trotting In.) 
 
 Seedy.— Stand over here. (Takes Tin to stand.) 
 
 Crusty (eying Tin curiously). — How do you feel to day, 
 Mr. Tin Tung? 
 
 Tin (grinning).— Bully, yer Lonor. 
 
 Crusty.— Were you ever in court before ? 
 
 Tin.— You blet. 
 
 Crusty. — Well, this is something remarkable. You seem 
 to know more English than any Chinaman I ever saw be- 
 fore. (Half confidentially^ Do you smoke opium ? 
 
 Tin (doggedly).— Ki yi tu eye markie hi lo gun. 
 
 Crusty.— Yes, yes, I know all about it; but never mind 
 
HAITI kl\ [ i\ rUNO. 
 
 DOW. ( To SEl DY.) This is your witness, Mr, Seedy; don't 
 intend to ask him any questions? 
 
 DY. — Immediately, your Honor; immediately. (To 
 ur busine 
 TIN. — Lasheruoman. 
 
 USTY. — That's for washerwoman, is it ? See here, Mr. 
 dy, what is this thing (pointing to Tin), male or fe- 
 rn a! 
 
 DY. — It's a he, your Honor. There arc very few she 
 Chinamen in this country. 
 
 CRUSTY.— Well, that's consoling. Ask it how old it is. 
 
 EDY {to TIN). — How old are you ? 
 Tin. — Leighty-flive. 
 
 CRUSTY. — Eighty-five, ha? [Looking at Tin critically^ 
 Yes, I guess that's right; but I've seen mummies that 
 looked like that, known to have died under thirty. 
 Seedy. — You know Mrs. O'Haflerty ? 
 Tin. — Blet yer sleet life. 
 Seedy. — You wash Mr. Pinky him clothes ? 
 Tin. — Me washee Plinky all time. 
 
 Crusty. — Ask it how it got Mr. Pinky 's clothes to wash. 
 Seedy. — How you get him clothes ? 
 TlN. — Me holler "clash!" Him clum cluick. 
 Seedy.— You no tell Mr. Pinky him clothes washed with 
 sewer-water by Mrs. O'Haflerty? 
 Tin.- Nixy, Scully. 
 Crusty. — What does that mean, Mr. Lawyer? 
 
 DY.— He means that he did not tell Mr. Pinky that 
 -water fable. 
 Crusty. — I think this bamboo-eater, with the piccolo 
 ll a cunning rogue, and knows more English than 
 dy. Pll put a question or two. (76>Tin.) 
 j 
 Tin (grinning). — Kow ten lichi souee pow len bango. 
 CRUSTY*— That's right. Give it to her while she isn't 
 
O'HAFFERTY VERSUS TIN TUNG. 1 7 
 
 here. {Aside to lawyers.) I'll c:itch him this time. Tin, 
 old boy, how did you lose your queue ? 
 
 Tin {blandly). — Clum off; it's a dlizzy show. 
 
 Crusty {disgustedly). — Come off ; it's a dizzy show ! 
 Why, this rat-muncher knows as much slang as a coffee- 
 house lawyer, and I shall give my decision at once. (jRis- 
 ing.) Now I'm going to make this Chinese hoodlum pay 
 that $200 damages, and I'm going to lock him up till he 
 gets it. 
 (Tin jumps away from witness-stand and out of reach of 
 
 lawyers ; the?i, in readiness to run, puts his thumb to nose t 
 
 and cries out to Judge :) 
 
 " Me no fool. Yer Lonor hold breath till catchee Tin 
 Tung. Ta-ta; me off to Clanada." 
 {Starts to run out, but is met by Mrs. O'Hafferty, returning 
 
 with new-laimdried shirt in her hand. Tin dodges and 
 
 runs among lawyers, pursued by O'HAFFERTY, with shirt 
 
 spread out, and both disappear?) 
 
 {Curtain. 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE 
 
 MAN. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 Judge Golden. 
 
 LAWYER Bright, Prosecuting Attorney. 
 Lawyer Ring, Attorney for Defence. 
 Mr. Tiffany, the Accused. 
 IIezekiah Greenapple, Witness for People. 
 Paddy Hooligan, Detective. 
 
 Judge Golden {motioning to lawyers). — You may begin 
 at once. 
 
 Lawyer Bright {rising). — I am here to-day to prosecute 
 one of those pests of modern civilization, a confidence man. 
 The case is not complicated, and all the necessary wit- 
 nesses are now in court. I do not recommend clemency 
 should the culprit plead guilty. {Sits down.) 
 
 Golden. — The accused may now stand up. (Tiffany 
 stands, leaning on his chair and looking about complacently^) 
 
 GOLDEN. — You are charged with swindling. Are you 
 guilty or not guilty? 
 
 Tim any. — Not guilty— certainly not — of course not. 
 
 Golden.— Why do you say u Of course not " ? 
 
 Tiffany. — How could a gentleman be guilty on such a 
 slanderous charger It would injure my reputation in 
 
 (sarcastically). — Confidence men are always in- 
 nocent. 
 
 (18) 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 1 9 
 
 Lawyer Ring. — Innocent people would have to live in 
 balloons if the prosecuting attorney could have his way. 
 
 Golden (to witness). — Young man, your face is familiar. 
 What is your name ? 
 
 Tiffany.— Mr. Tiffany. 
 
 Bright. — Ah ! the old gag, your Honor, as his com- 
 panions in vice would say. 
 
 Ring. — It seems to have the opposite effect from a gag 
 with my learned brother, your Honor. 
 
 Golden. — Well, it's a good name to have, anyway. (To 
 witness?) Now, then, Mr. Tiffany, do you remember when 
 you were last brought before me ? 
 
 Tiffany. — I think I had the honor of being presented 
 to you at the Vanderbilt ball, or it may have been at the 
 Astor reception. 
 
 Golden. — Ah! possibly; very possibly. You may sit 
 down. (Tiffany resumes his seat.) The prosecuting at- 
 torney may proceed with the case. 
 
 Bright. — Hezekiah Joel Greenapple may take the stand. 
 
 Green apple (standing up and looking bewildered}* — 
 Whar is the goldarned thing, and what do you want me 
 to do with it ? 
 
 Bright. — The witness-stand, Mr. Greenapple ; step to 
 the witness-stand. 
 
 Ring. — Ha ! ha ! You have a brilliant witness, Mr. 
 Attorney. 
 
 Greenapple (turning curiously to Ring as he passes to 
 stand). — Who be you ? 
 
 Bright. — Small potatoes, I'll say for him, Mr. Greenapple. 
 
 Ring. — With big eyes for such a case as this, you might 
 add. 
 
 Greenapple. — Here I am, Mr. Lawyer. Now let her 
 come slow. 
 
 Bright. — You may tell your experience in your own way. 
 
 Greenapple. — Now thet wuz sed like a town moderatur, 
 
20 THB CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE max. 
 
 ter feel ter hum. Howsomever, thar 
 
 wui sicta a powerful lot happened soon as I struck this 'ere 
 
 m the! 1 thought the sun must hev stood still about a 
 
 month. I never gut inter sech a hallaballoo in all my born 
 
 . s. But I kept my weather eye open for swindlers all 
 the time, and I see a heep of 'urn, too. Bimby I come up 
 to one of them sharpers with a faro bank right on the 
 et " Ver don't ketch this chicken," sez I. "I ain't 
 jest fell off a load of hay." He kept tryin' to pull the wool 
 over my eyes all the time, hollerin* out some alfired thing 
 about " Fiva cental fiva cental — all hot!" "Let 'urn be 
 all hot," sez I; "yer don't ketch me with any of yer gum 
 games — " 
 
 Golden. — Never mind your experience with the Italian 
 chestnut-vender, but tell us how you met Mr. Tiffany. 
 
 Greenapple. — Gosh ! Wuz he an Eyetalian ? I guess 
 he must hev been a count. I hear they's lots of Eyetalian 
 counts here on the hors kyars and in the Toombs, whatever 
 that is. 
 
 Golden. — Never mind those extraneous matters. 
 
 Greenapple. — Who's astrainin' at matters ? I ain't, fur 
 
 one. But ef ye'r in sech a pesky hurry, I'll cum ter the 
 
 pint now. Yer see I wuz gettin' kinder lonesome like, 
 
 when as slick a-lookin' chap as I ever sot eyes on cum up 
 
 ter me and sez: M Howdy, Mr. Hayseed; how's all the folks 
 
 ter hum, in Cloverville ? " He wuz mighty glad ter see 
 
 me, and shook my hand like it wuz a pump-handle. I wuz 
 
 Ty to tell that young feller he'd made a mistake, 
 
 i he'd feel so disappointed. But when I gut 
 
 a chanr i word in edgeways, I puckered up courage, 
 
 and sez: "My name ain't Hayseed. I'm Hezekiah Joel 
 
 and I live* up in Bushgrow when I'm ter 
 
 hum." He wruz about the politest man I ever did meet, 
 
 and I wuz mighty sorry ter let on ter him my name wuzn't 
 
 I 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 21 
 
 Golden. — Now come to the other fellow. 
 
 Greenapple. — What other feller ? 
 
 Golden. — Why, the one you met soon afterward. 
 
 Greenapple. — Great Scott ! how'd yaou know thet ? 
 Beats all how news flies. Why, the other fellow, as yer 
 call him, wuz Mr. Tiffany over thar. He knows all about 
 me and a lot of people up in Bushgrow, and wuz goin' ter 
 take me up-town ter see his father's big jewlry store. 
 
 Bright. — He doesn't understand yet, your Honor, what 
 has happened to him. ( To witness.) Where did you go next ? 
 
 Greenapple. — Mr. Tiffany and me walked round for a 
 spell, but he told me so thunderin' much 'bout his father's 
 place, I couldn't say no*v jest whar we did go. But we 
 had plenty of applejack, and finally brought up at a place 
 whar they wuz rafflin' off a lot of Jay Gould's property for 
 the benefit of the poor. Mr. Tiffany struck a house up in 
 Fifth Avenue the fust thing, and when I see him makin 
 money hand-over-fist, I jest whipped out my old leather 
 wallet, and I'll be hanged ef I wuzn't busted afore I got ary 
 a house. 
 
 Bright. — Well, what did you do then ? 
 
 Greenapple. — I wuz feelin' pritty blue, you bet ! but 
 Mr. Tiffany sez— sez he: "Never mind, old boy, I'll give 
 yer enuf of mine ter make it up. Lets hev some more ap- 
 plejack." Out we goes, and I wuz jest puttin' down about 
 the last one I could hev stood, when up pops thet thar se- 
 lect man over thar (printing to Hooligan), and before I 
 knowed what had happened, me and Mr. Tiffany wuz locked 
 up ; but what fur I'm hanged ef I know ter this minit. 
 
 Bright. — You were arrested as a witness in this case. 
 Your friend, Mr. Tiffany, is a confidence man, and if you 
 hadn't been locked up under some pretence or other, we 
 should never have been able to get your valuable testimony. 
 Unless he is made to do so, the victim rarely appears against 
 a confidence man of his stamp. 
 
lHi: CONFIDEN 1 CONFIDENCE MAN. 
 
 What the doose is that, anyway? 
 
 BRIGHT. — I won't stop to explain now. Did yon lose all 
 
 \ary a red left, but when I see Mr. Titi- 
 an y's father I kin get all I want. 
 
 den {impatiently). — There, there, that will do; I've 
 heard enough of this kind of evidence. Now then, Mr. 
 Appleseed, or whatever your name is, you hurry right out 
 and find Mr. Tiffany's father, and if he doesn't give you 
 any diamond pins and gold watches, just step over to Jay 
 Gould's, and get a few brown-stone fronts, or even a couple 
 of railroads, if you can't do any better. 
 
 Greenapple. — I'd like to wait for Mr. Tiffany, Judge. 
 Bright. — You might have to wait about ten years for 
 him, Mr. Greenapple ; but as his Honor says so, I suppose 
 you had better go right along. 
 Greenapple. — All right, Judge, I'm off. (Greenapple 
 
 > t-room^) 
 
 Bright {rising). — With all due respect, your Honor, I 
 
 must say it's a little hard the way the victims of these 
 
 bunco games are treated everywhere. I don't wonder so 
 
 o( these swindlers are convicted. They select only the 
 
 simplest or most gullible persons to deal with, and every- 
 
 ly laughs at the misfortunes of a man who will be taken 
 
 in by their tricks. The innocent victim gets the worst of 
 
 it on all sides. Take the unsophisticated old farmer, for 
 
 nee. He is fleeced, made drunk, thrown into jail, 
 
 I into court, and then thrust out on a fool's errand. 
 
 . ought the villain in thi s play to fair ? 
 
 1 {testily). — Well, well, let people read the papers. 
 There's enough in them every day about these thi: 
 You've got a pretty good case so far, now let it proceed in 
 the usual way. 
 
 »HT, — Very well, your Honor. Mr. Paddy Hooligan 
 will step to the stand. (HOOLIGAN takes the stand.) 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 23 
 
 Rright. — You are the detective who arrested this er — 
 
 Ring. — Gentleman, if you please. 
 
 Golden.— Yes, he is a gentleman until convicted. 
 (Aszde.) He may have influential backers. 
 
 Bright. — Well, then, you are the detective who arrested 
 Mr. — Mr. Tiffany, are you ? 
 
 Hooligan. — Oi am sorr, and he's a foine one for the 
 loikes of such a name. 
 
 Ring. — Let the witness keep his Hibernian wit for the 
 servant-girls and nurse-maids. He's not sunning his mag- 
 nificent form in Madison Square now. 
 
 Bright. — His testimony will send your client to a place 
 where there is no sun. 
 
 Ring.— Not this year. 
 
 Golden. — If this hair-splitting goes on it will take a year 
 to try the case. 
 
 Hooligan. — Oi am wid yer, yer Honor. 
 
 Golden. — That is fortunate for you at least. ( To law- 
 yer.) Go on. 
 
 Bright. — Did you go into the place yourself? 
 . Hooligan. — Oi did not. Oi wud have got kilt if Oi had 
 gone in there. 
 
 Bright. — But you saw them when they came out? 
 
 Hooligan.— Oi did that. 
 
 Bright. — And heard them talk about what had happen- 
 ed there? 
 
 Hooligan.— Oi did that. 
 
 Bright. — And what they said was substantially the same 
 story the old farmer tells, was it; or, was it not? 
 
 Hooligan. — It waz that. The greenhorn had it 
 roight. 
 
 Bright. — My case is now as strong a one as was ever 
 brought into a court. I will rest here — my frothy oppo- 
 nent may take this witness if he thinks he has not had 
 enough already ; I am done. 
 
:\ THE CONFID S'FIDENCE MAN. 
 
 RING.— I'm glad he's done at last, for he has always bad 
 the reputation of being only half baked. 
 
 (looking at the ceiling reflectively). — I wood 
 
 he means me. 
 
 }. — no ! of course not; im] 
 
 blc ! The counsel for the defence must have been thinking 
 
 of a man over in New Jersey. But go on, go on ; time flics. 
 
 .H r {turning to Ring savagely). — You're a viper. But 
 
 I'll have my say the next time you see me in the police court. 
 
 King {calmly). — So'U the Justice. 
 
 Bright.— What's that ? 
 
 Ring. — "Common drunk — ten days." 
 
 Go i f>fii?ig furiously). — Order, order, or I'll have 
 
 you both disbarred. Court adjourns in twenty minutes. 
 (BRIGHT scowls at Ring menacingly) 
 
 Ring {quickiy, to witness). — How long have you been on 
 the force ? 
 
 Hooligan. — Iver since the last election. 
 
 Ring.— I thought as much. Before you got appointed 
 to your present high station, what were you doing ? 
 
 Bright {loudly). — I object. 
 
 Golden {to witness). — Answer the question. 
 
 Hooligan. — Oi was Prisidint of the Vote Often Society 
 in the Fifth Ward. 
 
 Ring.— Didn't you arrest a boy the other day for tipping 
 r an ash-barrel ? 
 
 firou Hy). — Oi did that, and the villain got 
 four years on the Oiland. 
 
 RING. — Yes, I remember that. His father voted the 
 wrong way. You ought to have been made a precinct 
 captain for so good a piece of work. Have you ever made 
 any other an- 
 
 Bright. — That has nothing to do with the case. 
 
 Ring. — Neither have the flowers that bloom in the spring, 
 but - 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 25 
 
 Golden (abstractedly). — O, bother the flowers of spring 
 — that is — I hereby reprimand the prosecuting attorney for 
 introducing this comic opera nonsense into court. It 
 offends my dignity to be caught that way. Remember this 
 warning. Proceed. 
 
 Ring. — My questions, your Honor, were to prove an un- 
 warranted motive on the part of the witness in making this 
 arrest. Like yourself, I was taken unawares by my op- 
 ponent's contemptible catch. It shall not alter my pur- 
 pose, however. ( To witness) What other arrests have you 
 made ? 
 
 Hooligan. — A Choinaman. 
 
 Ring.— What for? 
 
 Hooligan.— For killing a Nager. 
 
 Ring. — Was he convicted ? 
 
 Hooligan. — He was not. 
 
 Ring. — Why? 
 
 Hooligan. — It was because the hathen look so much 
 aloike that I got the wrong man. 
 
 Ring. — That's all you have done since you've been on 
 the force, is it ? 
 
 Hooligan. — And ain't that enough, and there's many a 
 man ahead of me yet that niver did the half of it. 
 
 Ring. — It's a fine record, that's a fact. But I suppose 
 you were too ambitious to rest on your laurels, and so had 
 to find some big game somehow, even if you had to take in 
 an innocent person. That's why you arrested this tax- 
 payer, this voter, this gentleman, is it ? 
 
 Hooligan. — Oi took him in because he's one of them 
 bunco steerers, and the papers- are howling so about them 
 that somebody's got to go up. 
 
 Ring (starting forward). — That's just the point I am 
 after. 
 
 Bright. — It was a lucky arrest, anyway. We've got the 
 bird this time, sure. 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 
 
 Ring.— The cage door isn't closed, though. 
 
 r. — It will be shut soon. 
 R; it the bird flies out. 
 
 LIGHT.— All right. We shall see. 
 Rin . — So you say this gentleman is a bunco 
 
 ou ? 
 Hooligan. — Oi do. 
 RING. — Do you know it? 
 Hooligan.-— Oi do. 
 Ring. — But can you swear to it ? 
 
 i r;an\— Oi can. 
 Ring. — Now, see here, Mr. Detective, how can you swear 
 this gentleman is a bunco steerer? 
 
 Hooligan. — Moi eyesight is foine, and Oi saw that fel- 
 low eating a three-cent bowl of soup one day, and the next 
 day he was a-flying so high Oi could hardly tell him from 
 an English dook, except from the sphread of his feet from 
 walking around after greenhorns so much. 
 
 Bright. — Ha, ha ! Mr. Attorney, you have pulled your 
 own house down this time. There's evidence for you. 
 Your flat-footed gentleman is quite a curiosity. 
 
 Ring (to Bright). — If big feet are an evidence of crime, 
 how the deuce have you escaped the gallows so long ? 
 
 Bright. — Keep up your fire, but I'll win the case, and 
 rid the city of one pair of spreading feet. 
 
 Ring. — That will do, witness. You are an honor to the 
 >n. I desire his Honor's opinion on the point last 
 made. 
 
 (Hooligan struts fi? -ou dly to Jus scat.) 
 
 — I am aware that private detectives in hotel 
 
 rs carefully scrutinize new-comers' feet, and thereby 
 
 often get a clue to an impostor ; but I am not as yet wholly 
 
 1 to admit this spreading-foot theory as evidence. 
 
 I understand that the profession of bunco steering is ex- 
 
 ly profitable, so I can hardly see, even admitting 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 27 
 
 for the time-being that the accused may belong to that 
 class, why it should have been necessary for him to walk 
 enough to acquire the spreading foot. The defence may 
 now have its turn. 
 
 Ring. — Mr. Tiffany, will you kindly take the stand. 
 
 (Tiffany takes the stand) 
 
 Ring. — That brilliant member of the finest, who has 
 subjected you to the ignominy of arrest, Mr. Tiffany, has 
 said that he once saw you in a certain cheap restaurant, 
 eating a three-cent bowl of soup. Is that possible ? 
 
 Tiffany. — Oh, yes, yes ; that is probably true. 
 
 Ring. — How did you happen to be in so vulgar a place, 
 instead of in Delmonico's, dining on your favorite reed- 
 birds and Pommery Sec ? 
 
 Tiffany.— I was "slumming." It's English, you know. 
 
 Golden. — Slumming? Slumming? And, pray, what is 
 slumming? 
 
 Tiffany.— A little diversion originated by the Prince of 
 Wales. The Upper Ten get very weary sometimes, and 
 must find something new. We call it " slumming" when 
 we drift down among the organ-grinders and shoestring 
 peddlers to observe their ways of living. 
 
 Golden. — What will society do next to escape from 
 ennui. 
 
 Ring. — This covers a most important point in the case. 
 The diversions of our gentlemen-about-town must not be 
 held in disrepute. The privileges of our young aristocracy 
 must be respected, otherwise our city would vie with Phila- 
 delphia in solemnity. If Mr. Tiffany chooses to find a lit- 
 tle quiet diversion in the slums of our city, why should he 
 be molested? The detective has plainly overstepped the 
 lines of his duty in making this arrest. I am willing to let 
 my case rest here. 
 
 Golden. — By not taking up my time with a long argu- 
 ment to show how the farmer might have lost his money 
 
TH1 CONFIDBN r CONFIDENCE M v 
 
 Otherwise than he did, you have scored a point in your 
 I must say, however, that the e 
 ^nd the detective offers a strong chain of fa 
 
 Mr. Tiffany's character, on the other hand, 
 ioC been proved to be bad. 
 BRIGHT. — I will bring that out presently, your Honor. 
 .. Mr. Witness, how old are you ? I mean in years, not 
 in crime ? 
 
 Tiffany. — I am a gentleman, sir, and will not stand 
 such insults. 
 
 Bright. — A gentleman, indeed ! I have been looking 
 up your record, sir, and I find that you were known as Kid 
 Smiler in Boston, Easy Jack in New Orleans, Smooth-bore 
 Johnnie in San Francisco, and Gentleman Gus in Chicago 
 (vcJiemently). Do you deny that. ^ 
 Ring.— You need not answer that. 
 
 Bright. — Oh, he needn't answer if he doesn't want to. 
 I'll prove it, though, by these telegrams. 
 
 Ring. — Well, let us see if you can. {Messenger enters 
 and /lands Judge a docume?it, which he reads unmindful of 
 case.) 
 
 Bright. — I'll give Mr. Tiffany one more chance to an- 
 swer. Were you not known in those cities by the names I 
 have mentioned ? 
 
 Tiffany. — Probably I was. But I reformed when I 
 came to New York. Cannot a man reform and be a. gen- 
 tUman t 
 
 TOT. — Oh ! certainly ; and we will now send you to a 
 you will have plenty of time to reform. 
 fiantfy). — You can't do it. 
 I you can't do it. 
 —Your Honor, do you mark that ? I've got this 
 shark of the street completely cornered, and yet he and his 
 attornr-y say I cannot convict him. 
 
 GOLDEN {rising). — Gentlemen, I have just received an 
 
THE CONFIDENT CONFIDENCE MAN. 29 
 
 important communication from official sources which 
 throws a new light on this case. In order that I may have 
 time to look up the matter herein referred to, I am obliged 
 to adjourn this hearing. 
 
 In the meantime the accused is released on bail. 
 Bright {interrupting). — But, your Honor — 
 Golden. — No buts about it. This official matter {hold- 
 ing up message carelessly, and so all in the rooin can read U) 
 is of the utmost importance. (Message: Don't Convict, 
 Tiffany is One of Our Gang.) I cannot tell you now 
 the contents of this message, but it will be made known in 
 good time. The court is adjourned. 
 
 \ Curtain. 
 
SOLOMON JOBLOTS" GREAT LOSS. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Judge Noodle. 
 
 Lawyer Shine, /<?r Prosecution. 
 
 Lawyer Smock,/^ Dej\ 
 
 Sol >blots, Plaintiff. 
 
 Dr. Mandrake Dose, Defendant. 
 
 John JUPItER, Esq., Witness for Prosecution. 
 
 Julia Caramel, Witness for Deft 
 
 Judge Noodle. — This is a very warm day, gentlemen, 
 and I am not in the humor to listen to anything but the 
 simplest kind of statements. State your case clearly. 
 
 Lawyer Shine. — My client, Solomon Joblots, a well- 
 known business man, enters a claim for $100,000 damages 
 against Dr. Mandrake Dose, for malpractice in the case of 
 >n, the late lamented Isaac Motzer Joblots, who died 
 at the age of eight years, after having been previously 
 treated by the defendant. My learned brother, Coun 
 Smock, appears for the defendant. 
 
 . — That isn't quite clear. Do you say that your 
 learned brother was treated by the ant phys 
 
 previously to th, or foi: afterwards? 
 
 WE.— Oh, no, your Honor. I mean that Isaac Joblots 
 was attended by the physician just before his death. 
 
 3e death, your learned brother's or the 
 phy- 
 
SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 3 1 
 
 Shine. — Isaac Joblots' death. 
 
 Noodle. — Then why didn't you say so without beating 
 around the bush ? I expect clear statements. Produce 
 your witnesses at once. 
 
 Shine. — Very well, your Honor. ( To Joblots.) Take the 
 
 stand, Mr. Joblots. 
 
 (Joblots goes to witness-stand?) 
 
 Shine. — What is your full name ? 
 
 Joblots. — Solomon Joblots, sheap clothing dealer. 
 
 Shine. — Never mind the cheap clothing part. 
 
 Joblots. — Bud it vas on my sign so. 
 
 Shine. — All right. Was your son Isaac a smart boy? 
 
 Joblots. — Shmart ? He was der shmartest leedle poy 
 in der counury. 
 
 Shine. — How did he get sick ? 
 
 Joblots. — Ven my leedle Iky vas eighd years old I pud 
 heem in charge of der socks und suspenders in my store. 
 He vas a very pright poy, un von dey a goundry gusdomer 
 came in und Iky grabbed heem quick. " How much vas 
 der stockings ? " says der gusdomer. M Dose silk socks vas 
 a quarter a pair," says my poy. " Gife me two pairs den," 
 says de gusdomer. Iky vas delighted. Dose silk socks 
 vas cotton, und cost two cents a pair, but von uf der quar- 
 ters of der gusdomer vas lead, und ven Iky found et oud, 
 he vas made sick righd avay. Der poor leetle poy could 
 not forgot his disgrace. He vas never recovered from dat 
 shock. 
 
 Shine. — Did you have any other physician beside Dr. 
 Dose ? 
 
 Joblots. — Phat ! Do you dink I vould hafe a whole 
 hospeetle for dot vun leetle poy ? 
 
 Shine. — Of course not. Did the boy die soon after Dr. 
 Dose's treatment ? 
 
 Joblots. — So he did. My Iky vould hafe been veil and 
 promoted to der pants department but for dot doctor. 
 
32 SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 
 
 Shine.— How was that ? 
 
 .—How was what ? — the doctor, the 
 . or the boy? 
 
 Shim;. — How was it that the doctor caused the boy's 
 h ? 
 
 Johlots. — Dot vos blain. Der doctor brought his bill in 
 vim day unci Iky got holt of it. Ven dot leedle poy saw 
 expense he had prought on his old fadder, he just rolled 
 his eyes up und died. 
 
 Shine. — Very affecting. I will not go deeper into this 
 poor father's grief, but will turn my client over to the 
 tender mercies of my opponent. 
 
 Smock (rising). — Could your son Isaac read and write? 
 
 J jblots. — My leetle poy could not read nor write. He 
 vas too shmart to vaste his time on vat vudn't pring him 
 anydings. 
 
 Smock {triumphantly). — Oh! he was, was he? Then 
 how could he tell from the doctor's bill what expense he 
 had brought upon his father? You are under oath, re- 
 member. 
 
 JOBLOTS. — So helup me Moses! I vos like George Vash- 
 ington, und nefer told a lie. 
 
 »ck (sarcastically). — What f not even to a customer? 
 
 JOBLOTS. — Veil, dot vas pisness vid a gusdomer. 
 
 Smock. — It's different here, and you must tell the truth. 
 How could your son, who could neither read nor write, tell 
 from the doctor's bill what expense he had put you to ? 
 
 JOBLOTS. — He vas a shmardt poy, und could tell py der 
 
 Shi —The witness means that his son 
 
 could tell by the dollar sign, with the numerals follow- 
 ing. 
 
 Id vas his pisness to know cost marks. 
 tDLE. — That seems plain enough. 
 — I am through with the witness. 
 
SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 33 
 
 Joblots (to Smock). — Don't you vant a nice chameleon 
 coat and a pair of leopard pants ? 
 
 Smock. — No ! no ! Take your seat. 
 
 Noodle. — The last statement of the witness is not very 
 lucid. What does he mean by a chameleon coat and 
 leopard pants? 
 
 Shine. — That was a mere irrelevant remark, your Honor, 
 and has nothing to do with the evidence. By a chameleon 
 coat the witness means one that changes color after a while, 
 as the chameleon is said to. A pair of second-hand pants 
 that is somewhat spotted is known to the trade as leopard 
 pants. 
 
 Noodle. — Ah ! yes, I see. But I forbid such figurative 
 language during this trial. ^^ 
 
 Shine. — I will now call up Mr. John Jupiter. (Jupiter 
 takes the standi) 
 
 Shine. — This witness, gentlemen, is Mr. John Jupiter. 
 
 Jupiter. — John Jupiter, Esq., if you please. That is my 
 title on this sublunary sphere. 
 
 Noodle. — You mean the earth, I suppose. 
 
 Jupiter. — Exactly ! Exactly ! 
 
 Noodle. — Have you any title anywhere else ? 
 
 Jupiter. — On my own planet I am known as Lord 
 Jupiter. 
 
 Noodle. — Lord what Peter ? 
 
 Jupiter {distinctly), — Lord 
 
 Noodle. — Are you related t n Joblots? 
 
 Jupiter.— Not at all. He is merely one of my subjects. 
 
 Shine (interposing). — John Jupiter, Esq., do you know 
 Dr. Mandrake Dose ? 
 
 Jupiter. — Very well. 
 
 Shine. — You have taken a great many of his prescrip- 
 tions, have you not ? 
 
 Jupiter. — I should say so. 
 
 Shine. — Has his medicine done you any good ? 
 
 3 
 
OMOM JOB1 
 
 Jupiter. — Cuhm\ ii but a comparative word, [thought 
 
 rdinary mortal like yourseK before I called in 
 it now (draw/fig himself up) I know I am Lord 
 Jupit 
 
 N B. — You were once wealthy ? 
 JUPITER.— Of the silly goods of this world I once pos- 
 
 ed plenty, but I wish them no longer. 
 Shin istically), — You would rather Dr. Mandrake 
 
 Dose should have them, I suppose ? 
 JUPITER. — Yes. He is my chief of small dominions, and 
 Ides over this globe. 
 k;k. — Your Honor, I would like to know what is the 
 object of this nonsense. 
 
 Shine. — I wish to prove that the defendant is a quack, 
 and this witness I have introduced as an expert. 
 Smock. — I object to the testimony of a lunatic. 
 Shine. — Not a lunatic, by any means ; simply a crank. 
 Smock. — Then I object to the testimony of a crank. 
 Shine. — The testimony of a crank is entirely admissible 
 in an American court. 
 
 Smock. — Let his Honor decide between us. 
 Noodle. — The testimony of a crank is valid in an 
 American court. We must have witnesses of some kind, 
 and what would we do were all the cranks denied the right 
 to testify? The witness in this case is an exceptionally 
 mild and well-informed crank, and I shall admit his testi- 
 mony. 
 
 Shine. — I am so well satisfied with his Honor's able ex- 
 uon of the law, that I forbear to question the witness 
 further. 
 
 CK. — I will ask the witness a few questions. {To Ju- 
 What is your age? 
 
 - I bjflong to the age of steam, the age of elcc- 
 tricit the Book Agent, and the aj son. 
 
 i ! No ! 1 mean, how old are you ? 
 
SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 35 
 
 Jupiter. — As Lord Jupiter, I am as old as the sun. As 
 John Jupiter, Esq., I am three years old. 
 
 Smock. — What nonsense ! what rubbish ! 
 
 Jupiter. — Nay, rather what wisdom. 
 
 Smock. — I request that this witness be removed, your 
 Honor. 
 
 Noodle. — John Jupiter, Esq., go hence. 
 
 Jupiter. — I go at your command. 
 
 (Jupiter takes his seat.) 
 
 Smock. — This witness, your Honor, is the crankiest 
 crank I have ever seen in a court-room. Had he shown a 
 glimmer of common sense, I should have brought out the 
 facts from his own lips that the prescriptions of the learned 
 Dr. Dose had nothing to do with his hallucinations. As 
 it is, I shall have to rely upon my own witnesses to prove 
 the absurdity of the charge preferred against my client. 
 Dr. Mandrake Dose, you will please take the stand in your 
 own behalf. 
 
 (DOSE takes the stand.) 
 
 Smock. — Did Solomon Joblots call you to attend his son ? 
 
 Dose.— He did. 
 
 Smock.— Did you go ? 
 
 Dose.— I did. 
 
 Noodle. — Where ? 
 
 Dose.— There. 
 
 Noodle. — When ? 
 
 Dose.— Then. 
 
 Noodle. — Are you sure ? 
 
 Dose. — To be sure. 
 
 Noodle. — That's what I want you to be. 
 
 Dose. — I am. 
 
 Noodle. — Go on, Mr. Smock. 
 
 Smock. — Was the boy very sick ? 
 
 Dose.— Very. 
 
 Smock. — What was his ailment? 
 
36 SOLOMOH ] GREAT 1 OSS. 
 
 Dose. — Shock, Mr. Smock. 
 
 Smock. — From what? 
 
 .lysis of the monetary -lands. 
 
 Smock. — A dangerous trouble, Is it not? 
 : . — Very, with his nationality. 
 hi. — How many times did you visit the patient ? 
 D SE,- Seven times. 
 
 Smock. — What was the amount of your bill ? 
 I )OSE. — Seventy-seven dollars. 
 
 >CK. — Is that an excessive charge ? 
 Dose.— It is not. 
 
 CK. — Why did you present the bill before the death 
 of the boy ? 
 
 Dose. — Because it was almost time for his father to fail 
 again, and I was afraid I would not be in time if I put it off 
 much longer. It was too risky. 
 Noodle. — Too what-sky ? 
 Dose. — Risky. 
 Noodle. — Risky what? 
 Dose.— Nothing. 
 
 SlfOCK. — That's what you got, too, was it not? 
 Dose.— Ves. 
 
 >DLE. — What did you do with it ? 
 Dose. — I've got it yet. 
 Noodle. — Well, you had better hold on to it. 
 
 ck.— That will do so far as I am concerned, Dr. 
 Dose. 
 Shine {rising). — You say this boy's illness was due to 
 is of the monetary glands. Is that a common ail- 
 ment ? 
 
 -With his race, very. 
 Shim;.— Do you have many such patients among the 
 wealthy 1 ankers and brokers, for instance? 
 
 They generally skip when they feel it 
 coming on. 
 
SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 37 
 
 Noodle. — Skip what ? 
 
 Dose. — Why, try a change of air, and skip the country. 
 
 Shine.— You will admit that the boy died soon after 
 seeing your bill ? 
 
 Dose. — He expired as soon as he saw it. 
 
 Shine. — Did Solomon Joblots say anything to you at 
 that time about suing you for his son's death ? 
 
 Dose. — He did not. 
 
 Shine. — What did he say ? 
 
 Dose. — Something about the Mother of Moses. 
 
 Shine. — Very good. Now, do you deny that you caused 
 the death of the boy ? 
 
 Dose. — Certainly I do. 
 
 Shine. — You are the son of Dr. Esculapius Dose and the 
 grandson of Dr. Taraxicum Dose, are you not ? 
 
 Dose. — I am ; and an honorable succession it is. 
 
 Shine. — You advertise yourself as the seventh son of a 
 seventh son, I believe. 
 
 Dose. — I do, and can prove what I claim. 
 
 Shine. — Every quack can prove that. 
 
 Dose. — This is slanderous, sir. 
 
 Shine. — Not at all, for I intend to prove that you are a 
 quack. 
 
 Dose. — You're a pettifogger. 
 
 Shine.— All right, Dr. Dose ! All right ! Now, can you 
 produce a certificate as a regularly graduated physician ? 
 
 Dose. — Certainly, sir. 
 
 Shine. — From what school of medicine ? 
 
 Dose. — I decline to answer. 
 
 Shine. — Then I shall force you to produce your certifi- 
 cate. 
 
 Dose. — Well, if you' force me to answer, I graduated 
 from the Philadelphia School of Ready-Made Doctors. 
 
 Shine. — That's enough ! You may take your seat. 
 
 (Dose sits down.) 
 
38 soi 
 
 her witness, your Honor. Miss Julia 
 CWardL (Car vmi.l takes the stand.) 
 \ 11 have been under Dr. Dose's treatment for 
 time, have you not ? 
 
 ; amiil. — Well, I should "blush to mention" 
 •i>lk. — What do you mean by " blush to mention " ? 
 CARAMEL. — I should " weep to murmur." 
 
 DLE, — What does that mean ? 
 Caramel. — I mean I should " titter to elucidate." 
 Noodle. — Worse and worse. I don't understand you, girl. 
 CARAMEL [giggling)* — I mean I should "languish to 
 ejaculate " 
 
 Noodle {scratching his head). — I know what it means to 
 " hasten to expectorate," but 1 cannot conceive the mean- 
 ing of " languish to ejaculate." Answer the question 
 plainly, girl : were you ever under Dr. Dose's care? 
 Caramel. — I should snicker if I wasn't. 
 Noodle. — Well, now, that's something any school-boy 
 can understand. Go on, Mr. Smock. 
 
 Smock. — Is not the Doctor a kind and able physician? 
 Caramel. — Certainly he is. 
 
 «:k. — You have every confidence in his professional 
 ability? 
 
 Caramel. — Yes, indeed, I have. 
 Smock. — That is enough. 
 
 SHINE. — Not quite. You say, Miss Caramel, the Doctor 
 is a man of professional ability. Can you explain how you 
 know it ? 
 
 CARAMEL. — Every time the door opens. 
 (mystified).— W T hat door? 
 [EL. — Oh, can't you understand? 
 'DLE.— No, I cannot. 
 SHIN E. — The witness means the Doctor is proficient every 
 time. That is all. 
 
 NOODLE.— Weill let her prove it. 
 
SOLOMON JOBLOTS' GREAT LOSS. 39 
 
 Shine. — How do you know he is so proficient in his art ? 
 
 Caramel. — I see him every day. He buys candy in our 
 store every afternoon. 
 
 Noodle. — What kind of candy ? 
 
 Caramel. — All kinds of candy, {rapidly) bon-bons, 
 chocolate creams, marshmallows, jujube paste, sugared 
 almonds, fig paste, old-fashioned molasses, peppermints, 
 striped stick, gum-drops — 
 
 Noodle {falling back in chair and gasping). — Stop her ! 
 Stop her ! 
 
 Shine. — That will do, Miss Caramel. Now, tell us if 
 Dr. Dose has ever prescribed any medicine for you ? 
 
 Caramel. — Medicine ? No ! 
 
 Shine. — Then how do you know he is a competent 
 physician ? 
 
 Caramel. — Because — because — because he is, he is. 
 
 Shine.- -Good, good, very good, indeed. Then you were 
 intimate with the Doctor outside of a mere business ac- 
 quaintanceship? 
 
 Caramel. — Of course, and why not? We are engaged. 
 
 Shine {wild with excitement). — Engaged ! Engaged ! 
 This case is mine, your Honor. Who ever heard of bring- 
 ing a man's sweetheart, who has never partaken of his 
 medicines, to testify to his ability ? Why, an engaged girl 
 will believe anything her lover tells her. Of course she 
 will say he is proficient in his art. But we have the poor 
 demented John Jupiter to prove his charlatanism. We de- 
 mand our damages. 
 
 SMOCK {who has been handed an e7ivelope by telegraph mes- 
 senger, jumps up). — Hold on ! hold on ! The dead has 
 come to life. {Reads from telegram) " Isaac Joblots, eight 
 years old, was found by detective, playing marbles in his 
 uncle's back yard." This is no case. No case at all. 
 
 Jo BLOTS {tearing his hair). — Mein Got ! Mein Got ! I 
 vas ruined. I told dot leetle poy to keep hided. [Curtain. 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Judge Curlywig. 
 Lawyer Goosequill, for Prosecution. 
 Lawyer Chanticleer, for Defence. 
 Obadiah Root, Prisoner at Bar. 
 Timothy Seed, Witness for Prosecution. 
 Hans Aubenblauben, Witness for Prosecution. 
 Jerusha Seed, Wife of .Timothy. 
 Sally Muggins, Witness for Defence. 
 
 Judge Curlywig.— Obadiah Root, stand up. You are 
 charged with the heenious crime of purlineing water- 
 melons from the patch btlonging to your fellow-towns- 
 man, Deacon Timothy Seed. Are you guilty of the charge, 
 or not guilty ? 
 
 Obabiah Root. — Wal, Jedge, I reckin as haow you've 
 got a white sheep this time. 
 
 Judge. — Answer my question as I put it. 
 
 Obadiah. — Not guilty, Jedge. 
 
 Judge. — You may proceed with the case. 
 
 L.w. i ill. — I have little to say in opening 
 
 ase, for the evidence I shall bring will make it all 
 
 clear. I will impress upon the enlightened jury, how 
 
 the importance of sustaining the good repute of our be- 
 
 ] village. How can this be done if thieves are allowed 
 
 to run riot among our neigl -melon vines ? An 
 
 example must be made when a culprit is found. Otherwise 
 
 (4W 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 4 1 
 
 the township of Carrotville will become the resort of high- 
 waymen, kidnappers, book-peddlers, clock-venders, and 
 perhaps even the deadly bunco-steerer. Who can tell ? 
 Do you want your hen-roosts pillaged of their feathered 
 beauties ? Your pig-pens rifled of their porcine glory ? 
 Your apple-trees denuded of their toothsome fruit ? No ! 
 gentlemen. A thousand times no ! We all can appreciate 
 the grief of a father who is forced to punish the errors of 
 a wayward son, but what can compare with the sorrow of 
 a community which is compelled to administer justice to 
 an erring member. Gentlemen, we have an erring brother 
 in our midst; but we must not allow our sympathies to 
 interfere with the prerogatives of the law. The law — the 
 law, I say, gentlemen — must come to the protection of this 
 peace-abiding community. {Pause.) I will not tell you the 
 story of this villainous iniquity, but^will let you hear it from 
 the lips of the aggrieved party himself. Mr. Timothy Seed, 
 you will please take the stand. 
 
 (Seed takes the standi 
 
 Lawyer Goosequill. — Deacon, you will be kind enough 
 to tell the honorable court and juiy the story of your griev- 
 ance. 
 
 Seed. — I was out on the porch tallerin' up my Sabbath 
 boots jest at sundown, when out comes Jerusha kind of in 
 a flurry. My wife, Jerusha, is a cute 'un, she is, and she's 
 got— 
 
 Lawyer Chanticleer.— I object, your Honor. The 
 character of Jerusha Seed has nothing to do with this case. 
 
 Judge. — Well, we all know Jerusha Seed, and it won't 
 do any harm to hear her praised a little. Let the Deacon 
 tell his story in his own way. Go on, Deacon. 
 
 Seed. — As I say, she is a cute 'un, and has got an eye as 
 don't need specks to see a fly in mince-meat ; so when she 
 says there's suthin' movin' in the melon-patch, I know'd 
 she was talkin' sense, and when she talks sense I alius 
 
rHAT OR] \ r w \ri i< Mil on I 
 
 listen-. I suspirioned 'twas nothin' but a woodchuck, and 
 u ked the taller away round to the heel of the nigh hoot 
 Urtin' out. Says Jerusha: u Timothy Seed, there's 
 suthin' wrong in that melon-patch." Says I : "If yer 
 Uy think so, I'll go see." So off I goes, 'spectin' to git 
 a kick at a woodchuck; but it warn't no woodchuck, but 
 . liah Root, try in' to hide behind my prize melon. 
 M Wal." says I, " this is cool." " Not so cool," says he, tl as 
 it might be if we had a trifle o' rain." "No sass," says I. 
 u What yer doin' here jest around nightfall ? " M Lookin' fur 
 angle-worms to go fishin' with," says he. "That's a lie," 
 - I ; " fur yer know darned well there ain't no angle- 
 worms round these parts, 'ceptin' in the barn-yard." 
 Then I looked round and see all my best melons gone 
 but the prize one. " You and that Muggins boy have been 
 hookin' my melons," says I ; "and I am jest goin' to bring 
 your nose to the grindstone afore Squire Curlywig." Now, 
 Squire, that's the long and short of the story, and I've cum 
 here fur jestice. It ain't the worth of the melons as I care 
 about, but jestice I will have ; so spread it on thick while 
 you're about it. 
 
 JUDGE. — That'll do on that p'int, Deacon. You 'tend to 
 
 your evidence, and I'll 'tend to the dispensin' with justice. 
 
 )SEQUI ll. — How long have you known Obadiah Root ? 
 
 : >. — I've know'd the hull lot of em from the cradle up. 
 
 GOOSEQUILL. — Ever had any trouble with any of em? 
 
 i >. — None ter speak of. Sary Ann Root borrowed a 
 
 new-fangled butter-stamp from Jerushy, and never brung 
 
 it back ; but that all blowed over when we gave the pound 
 
 (OIL 
 
 lave you ever entertained any ill-feeling 
 he accu-( 
 Seed.— Never did, no ! Why, 'twas only last week when 
 he cum over to the house. Jerushy cut a sage cheese, and 
 give him a pint of spruce beer. 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 
 
 43 
 
 GOOSEQUILL.— That is all I want with this witness. 
 Now, your Honor and gentlemen of the jury, I think you 
 will agree with me, that the prisoner has been actuated by 
 motives of pure cussedness to the crime he has committed. 
 That will do, Deacon. 
 
 (Seed starts to resume his seat.) 
 
 Lawyer Chanticleer. — Not so fast, Deacon Seed. A 
 few questions from me. What is your age ? 
 
 Seed. — I disremember now, but Jerushy knows. 
 
 Chanticleer. — Never mind what Jerushy knows. What 
 I want to find out is what you know. 
 
 Seed. — Wal, as to that, 1 knows readin', spellin', writin', 
 geography, and cipherin'. Jerushy — 
 
 Chanticleer. — Never mind Jerusha. 
 
 Seed. — Never mind Jerushy ? Gosh, I've got to mind 
 her! 
 
 Chanticleer. — IJow many water-melons were missing? 
 
 Goosequill. — I object. How can any man be expected 
 to remember how many melons he had in his patch ? 
 
 Judge —Let the Deacon answer the question. 
 
 Seed. — I disrecollect as to that, Squire. 
 
 Chanticleer. — My object, gentlemen, in putting these 
 questions was to show that the witness is insane. 
 
 Seed (excitedly). — Look a here, Lawyer Chanticleer, don't 
 you call me insane, or I'll knock that rhubarb nose of 
 yourn into the t'other part of next week. 
 
 Judge. — That'll do, Deacon. No abusive language here. 
 Take your seat. 
 
 (Seed sits down muttering ; Dang it, I don't allow no 
 one to call me insane.) 
 
 Goosequill. — Hans Aubenblauben will take the stand. 
 
 (Hans stands up.) 
 
 Goosequill. — Are you not a store-keeper in the next 
 town ? 
 
 Hans.— Dot I vas. 
 
44 rHAT GREAT WATER- MELON CAS1 
 
 ii L. — Do you know the accused ? 
 Han-. S i I do. 
 GOOSI QUILL. — When did you last sec him ? 
 
 Hans.— He comes to my store. 
 
 .—Tell us all about it. 
 Hans.— Veil, dot teller, he come to my store und he say, 
 44 Hans, vot is der brice uf tobacco ? " I tells him der bfice. 
 " Hans," he say, " I don't got some money." M No shekel-." 
 I, "Vot you comes here for?" " For inkstance," he 
 say. u I don't got sonje inkstands," say I. He open his 
 mouth vide mit laughing ; I tinks he vas makin' some fun mit 
 me, und vas going to bounce him oud. Den he asked me 
 vot I vud gif fur vater-melons, und I say I vud gif him a 
 drink uf vhiskey fur vun. Den I tinks he vill brought me 
 all djse vater-melons I vant. 
 
 osequill. — Did he leave the store then ? 
 Hans. — He vent strade oud mid himself. 
 Goosequill {rtsing), — I will rest my case here. The 
 chain of evidence is unbroken and must carry conviction 
 to the mind of the honorable court and jury. I am done 
 with this witness. (Resumes his seat.) 
 
 CHANTICLEER. — Have you ever bought any water-melons 
 from the accused in the manner you proposed, Mr. Blau- 
 benblauben ? 
 
 \s. — Dot vas not my name, Lawyer Stcino'beer. It 
 vas Aubenblauben. 
 
 Judge (/ai/jf/i/ji^).—Wt\\, you're even on names, Mr. 
 iticleer. 
 lNTICLEER {provoked). — This is nonsense. Answer 
 my question. Have— you— ever — obtained— any— water- 
 as from the accused ? 
 H in. 
 
 kw many? 
 HAMS*— 1 never buys some uf dot feller. 
 
 rify). — Why, you just told us you bought 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 45 
 
 nine. What do you mean, sir ? You can't bamboozle this 
 court. 
 
 Goosequill {rising). — Allow me to state, your Honor, 
 that the German word for " No " is similar in articulation 
 to the last digit in our numerical calculation. 
 
 Judge. — Lawyer Goosequill, I am running this court on 
 no dictionary, but on plain boiled-down common-sense. 
 Your explanation is about as clear as ditch-water. Go on 
 with this case. 
 
 Chanticleer. — Did the accused tell you he would bring 
 you some water-melons ? 
 
 Hans. — Xein. He vas got his hand in dose cracker- 
 barrels, and ven I jumps over der counter — 
 
 Chanticleer. — Never mind that. You have stated 
 that the accused never brought you any water-melons, 
 which is all I desired to know. You may sit down. 
 
 (Hans sits down on witness-stand) 
 
 Curly wig (desperately). — Here, you Rubber-blubber. 
 Start your boots from there. Take your seat. 
 
 Hans {in a bei.viidered manner). — Bretzels und pum- 
 penickel ! Vy don't you say get oud ven you mean getoud. 
 (Goosequill conducts him to seat.) 
 
 Chanticleer. — Obadiah Root will now take the stand 
 in his own defence. 
 
 (ROOT takes the stand.) 
 
 Chanticleer. — Now, Mr. Root, 1 want you to tell us 
 why you were in the melon-patch at sundown ; and what 
 you were doing there ? 
 
 Root. — Wal, that's as easy as ketchin' eels. The hull 
 thing wus about this wise. I've bin a sparkin' Sally Mug- 
 gins ever since I wus a four-year-old, and she's about as 
 putty a piece of caliker as you'll find in these parts. But 
 the old folk hev bin sot agin it all the time, so we has to 
 do our courtin' mighty careful. We used ter meet jest be- 
 hind the school-hus', but old Muggins got wind of it, so 
 
46 ra M" CRE \T WATER-MI 
 
 • -■ me. " Ohy, fct'a make our courtin'-parlor 
 beacon's prize water-melon." "Kerrw 
 
 1. "You can ealkerlate Oil me bein' thar." So I puts 
 tooat, slicks up my hair, and starts fur 
 the melon-patch ter wait fur Sally. I haden't bin waitin' 
 thai than you'd wait fur an eel-bite, when down 
 
 cums the Deacon helter-skelter. " Wal, Obadiah," says I 
 to myself, "you're in fur it this time, sartin sure." I lenow'd 
 the Deacon was down on the Mugginses, and I was afcard 
 Sally would come along jest about that time, but I never 
 thought I'd get in this sort o' scrape. Howsomevcr, here 
 I am and that's all I've got to say. 
 
 Chanticleer.— Did you ever take any melons from the 
 Deacon's patch ? 
 
 Root. — Nary a melon. 
 
 Judge. — Why did you tell the Deacon you were hunting 
 for angle-worms ? 
 
 mm ah. — 'Cause I didn't want ter let on what I wus 
 there for. 
 
 Chanticleer- -Enough for the present. 
 Goosequill. — You admit you were nosing around the 
 melon-patch ? 
 
 Obadiah. — Oh, I wus thar, that's sartin. 
 
 ►SEQUILL. — What were you looking after? 
 Obadiah. — Xothin'. 
 
 Goosequill {sarcastically). — Well, did you find much of 
 it? 
 
 i tail — Slathers on't. 
 
 uill. — How much, Mr. Smartone? 
 II. — Jest about enough ter make a good head fur 
 a village lawyer. 
 
 Goosequill {warmly). — The village fools ain't all sup- 
 That '11 do fur backbitin'. 
 ill. — Very well, your Honor, I'm satisfied. 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 47 
 
 Chanticleer. — It's a good thing for the prosecuting 
 attorney that he had the last word. 
 
 Goosequill (to witness). — How about the angle-worms ? 
 
 Obadiah. — They're wigglin' yet, T reckin. 
 
 Goosequill. — You admit then that you were not after 
 angle-worms in the melon-patch ? 
 
 Obadiah. — Sartin I do. 
 
 Goosequill. — What brought you there then ? 
 
 Obadiah. — Same as brought me to this yere court-house. 
 
 Goosequill. — What's that? 
 
 Obadiah. — Shank's mare. 
 
 GOOSEQUILL {tapping table nervously with pencil). — Do 
 you grow any water-melons at home ? 
 
 Obadiah. — Nothin' thrives thar but rattlesnakes and 
 blueberries. 
 
 Goosequill (in desperation). — Do you like melons? 
 
 Obadiah. — I'd rather have a chaw of tobaker than a 
 whole cart-load of 'em. 
 
 Goosequill. — I suppose you would rather have a drink 
 of whiskey, too ? 
 
 Obadiah {grinning). — Gosh, I'd rather have a drink of 
 whiskey than the hull goll-darned melon-patch. 
 
 Goosequill (exultantly). — Aha ! and you admit also 
 that you were in the Dutchman's store, as he says ? 
 
 Obadiah. — Never said nothin' to the contrary. 
 
 Goosequill. — Did you ask him the price of whiskey ? 
 
 Obadiah. — Guess I did, but I didn't touch no crackers. 
 
 Goosequill. — Did you hint to him that you would trade 
 off water-melons for whiskey ? 
 
 Chanticleer. — Hold up, Obadiah. You needn't answer 
 that question. 
 
 Goosequill. — I insist, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — I don't want to see no spokes missing from the 
 wheels of justice. But we can't blame any one for not 
 knowing what he said to that crazy Dutchman. 
 
48 THAI" GREAT WATER-MELON CAS1 
 
 ". : 1 . I shall appeal this case on the strength 
 of this ruling. 
 
 1 won't appeal any case from this court. 
 The whole thing is going to be settled right here, and 
 juick, too, or my name's not Squire Curly wig. 
 
 [JILL.— Very well, your Honor. I have but one 
 more question. (To witness!) Why did you choose the 
 melon-patch for your courtin'-parlor ? 
 
 lDIAH, — Now, look a here, Goosequill, you've tried 
 spark Sally yerself, and got left, and I ain't goin' ter 
 stand no more sass from you. Not by a jugfull. 
 
 (Both Uzvyers start up excitedly!) 
 ;e (raps for order). — Order. Order in this court. 
 Sit down, Obadiah Root. Call your next witness, Mr. 
 Chanticleer. 
 Chanticleer. — Miss Sally Muggins will be kind enough 
 
 to take the stand. 
 
 (Sally takes stand.) 
 
 Chanticleer (continues). — You have known the accused 
 for a long time, have you not? 
 
 SALLY.— Oh ! yes, sir, that I have. 
 
 Chanticleer. — Did you ever agree to meet him in the 
 Deacon's melon-patch ? 
 
 Sally. — Yes, sir, I did, and I told Oby — that is (con- 
 fusedly) I said — no, I mean he said — leastwise, we both 
 1 — 
 Chanticleer.— Well ! Well ! You need not say what 
 I. I only want to know whether you met him there 
 or n 
 
 i.y. — That I did, and I was just going to holler Oo ! 
 
 ! like an owl, so he'd know I was comin', when I saw 
 
 the Deacon tearin' down through the melon-patch like 
 
 mad. 1 Obadiah, and I almost fainted away, 
 
 md and ran all the way home. Pa was just 
 
 com of the house. 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 49 
 
 Chanticleer. — Hold on! that will do. (Turning to 
 Goosequill.) The witness is yours. 
 
 Goosequill. — Now, Miss Muggins, you may tell us what 
 you said to Obadiah, when you agreed to meet him in the 
 melon-patch. 
 
 Sally {coquettishly). — Well, I guess not. 
 
 Goosequill. — You must. You're in court. 
 
 Judge. — Yes ! Sally, tell us what you said. 
 
 Sally. — That's real mean now, Squire. {Hanging her 
 /wad.) If you must know, I suppose I must tell. I told 
 him not to put any grease on his hair. 
 
 (Smiles from court and lawyers?) 
 
 Chanticleer. — Never mind, Sally. We've all had our 
 sparking days. 
 
 Sally. — Can I sit down now ? 
 
 Goosequill. — Not yet. What did your pa say when 
 you came running home ? 
 
 Sally [defiantly?). — I won't answer that, anyway. Yes, I 
 will, too. He was mad, and he says : " If I catch you with 
 Obadiah Root I'll wallop you both ; and if that numskull 
 of a Goosequill ever speaks to you I'll cowhide him, even 
 if he does bring me up before that old fool of a Curlywig." 
 
 {Chorus from lawyers and court : Sit down, Sally ; sit 
 down.) (Sally marches to her seat.) 
 
 Judge. — Well, I guess we've had enough for one case. 
 Mr. Goosequill, if you have anything to say, hurry up be- 
 fore I give this case to the jury. 
 
 GOOSEQUILL {rising, with hand i?i breast-pocket). — May 
 it please your Honor : the evidence is all in, and it lies 
 with you, gentlemen, to save this village from becoming a 
 modern Sodom. 
 
 When, since the days of Eve and the stolen apple, was 
 guilt clearer ? 
 
 That was the first great case on the pages of time. This 
 is the last. 
 
5° 
 
 I WATER-MELO 
 
 In v v similar. Th le apples, 
 
 You all know hi 
 
 rime than Kvc's. Thi nth 
 
 i. The other must be driven fr 
 tilling meadows and blossoming fields of Carrot- 
 •. What does he admit? What does the story of the 
 witnesses prove ? He does not care to eat water-melons, 
 but prefers whiskey and tobacco. He has no money, but 
 goes to a neighboring town to make a dupe of an inno- 
 cent store-keeper. He does not ask him to swap whiskey 
 f« >r melons. Oh, no ! he's too smart for that ! Like the 
 cunning spider, he lures his victim on. The understanding 
 is reached. It is this. I have no money. You give me 
 whiskey and tobacco, and I'll give you water-melons. But 
 he has no melons to give. Never mind, the honest village 
 Deacon has plenty. 
 
 He can get them there at nightfall. Alas ! the villainy 
 of it all. 
 
 The bargain made, the plan laid, where is the culprit 
 found ? He has admitted it. In the melon-patch of his 
 respected neighbor. But perhaps you say, we are convinced 
 he took the melons that are gone, but why did he leave the 
 prize melon to the last? Ah ! that is the great link in my 
 _/hty chain of evidence. It shows, more than all else, 
 the inborn wickedness of this criminal heart. Why, then, 
 
 ' he not take the prize melon — the pride of our villa 
 the hope of the Deacon and Jerusha? He couldn't, gen- 
 ay he couldn't. It was too big to lug. (Pauses) 
 Vc: ay, what was he doing there, then ? You 
 
 cannot understand why, gentlemen of the jury, because 
 are too pure. Let me try to explain. Have 
 any of you ever been to a town ball, where the beauty and 
 lth and fashion of Carrotville have gathered ; where 
 apple-pie and doughnuts and cider are as free as the air; 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 5 1 
 
 where in your new dancing -pumps you have capered 
 through the Chorus Jig, Speed the Plough, and Boston 
 Fancy, to the music of a fiddler from the city ? I know 
 you have. And when the time came to go home, have you 
 not hated to go ? I know you have. Well, the criminal 
 heart has a feeling like that. Obadiah Root hated to go. 
 He could not take the melon, but he hated to leave it. He 
 stayed, and longed for it, and that was his ruin. What 
 more need I say ? The destiny of our beloved village is 
 now in your hands. With such a name as this crime, un- 
 punished, would give to our peace-loving community, where 
 will you look for your huskings, your barn-raisings, your 
 apple-pearings, your quilting-parties, and, lastly, your sum- 
 mer boarders? No! no! gentlemen; this crime must not 
 go unpunished. Remember, remember the future of Car- 
 rotville is now in your hands. {Sits down, wiping hisj'ace 
 with a ha?idkcrchief^) 
 
 Chanticleer (rising). — My long-winded opponent has 
 gone back to the Garden of Eden to help along his case. I 
 shall not go beyond the garden of Deacon Seed. You find 
 there a young man who has grown up among us from the 
 cradle. He is accused of the crime of stealing w ater-melons. 
 Yet no one has seen him take even a single melon. What, 
 then, was he doing in the melon-patch ? Nothing ! He 
 has said that. What was he waiting for ? For the prettiest 
 girl in Carrotville. Is there any crime in that ? Is there 
 any one here that wouldn't wait in the Deacon's melon- 
 patch, or even in his frog-pond, for that matter, for Sally 
 Muggins ? I guess not. Why, my eloquent opponent here, 
 as the trial has shown, has been waiting for years for Sally 
 Muggins, and nobody has accused him of stealing water- 
 melons. Obadiah has said that he went to the melon-patch 
 to meet Sally. And Sally has said that she went there to 
 meet Obadiah. What is there more natural than a meet- 
 ing-place at the prize melon ? There was no chance for 
 
5 2 
 
 either of them to miss it. Is it likely that Obadiah would 
 Of] hig f: istcoat, and would have slicked up his 
 
 hair (without gf to hook 
 
 there to sit on the fence and sec him I 
 - That's a lib j\ Why, then, sh< 
 
 interfere in tl ailair? They have trouble i 
 
 with the old folks. We have all had our courti: 
 and now let us take our fingers out of the pie. We must 
 look for the guilty party somewhere else. The good name 
 of Carrotville must be preserved, but the innocent must 
 not suffer; and never, never will you have another chance 
 like this to show to the world that the course of true love 
 cannot run smooth — no, not even in Carrotville. {Sits 
 
 Judge {rising). — The great town of Carrotville has been 
 shaken to its foundation by an earthquake, a whirlwind, a 
 waterspout of crime. You are here to say whether Obadiah 
 Root did or did not take them water-melons. Never has 
 such an important case been before this court. It must be 
 settled here. I won't have any appealing done while I 
 hold the reins of justice in this town. If Obadiah Root 
 likes whiskey and tobacco, that's nothing against him. We 
 all like 'em. If he goes courting a pretty girl on the sly, 
 you can't lay that up against him. Who wouldn't do that? 
 But when Deacon Seed finds him right in his melon-patch, 
 and a good many of the melons gone, there is some- 
 thing to get a grip onto. The Dutchman's story don't 
 amount to shucks. You needn't take any stock in that un- 
 you want to. But, by jimmimy ! there is one thing 
 you can't g< What become of them melons what 
 
 Deacon Seed don't know. Lawyer Goosequill 
 don't know. Obadiah won't tell. The Dutchman ain't got 
 them. Then I say again, where be they? There ain't 
 niggers enough in this village to eat 'em all. {Getting ex- 
 cited.) What become of them water-melons, I say? 
 
THAT GREAT WATER-MELON CASE. 53 
 
 Jerusha Seed {pushes her way into court at this point, 
 y.t :) What water-melons, Squire Curlywig ? What's 
 all this fuss and flurry about ? Spit it out, 'cos I'm right 
 here, and I'm goin' to hev my - 
 
 Judge. — Sit down, Jerusha. This is a court of justice. 
 Somebody's stole the Deacon's melons. 
 
 Jerusha. — Why, the old fool ! Where is he ? 
 
 (Deacon Seel /.) 
 
 Jerusha (continuing). — He's got a mem'ry 'bout as big 
 as a chicken's eye. I told him he'd git into a nx with sich 
 a mem'ry as that. 
 
 Judge. — Jerusha Seed, do you know where them water- 
 melons i 
 
 Jerusha. — Why, you old nonsense peddler, that block- 
 head of a Deacon told our hired man to pick all the ripe 
 ones nigh onto a week ago, and they're all stowed away 
 safe to hum. That 'tarnal idiot's the most forgetfuilest 
 man in the hull town of Carrotville, and he'll ketch it, 
 too, when I git hum. [Marches out, muttering : Just let 
 me git'my hands on him.) 
 
 Judge. — That's all the justice I'm going to dispense with 
 till snow rlies. Git out, the hull lot of you ! 
 
 (La layers a n . I disperse) 
 
 [Curtain. 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL versus "AGUE- 
 VILLE ARGUS." 
 
 Dramatis Pers)n^e. 
 Judge Waite. 
 
 Lawyer Bluster, Prosecuting Attorney. 
 LAWYER Shrewd, Counsel for Defence. 
 SERAPHINA Frivol, Simpering Poetess. 
 LONGINUS TURTLE, Long-haired Editor " Torch of 
 
 Truthr 
 Miss Maypole, Spinster friend of Seraphina Frivol. 
 Jack Pi, Printer 's Devil. 
 
 Judge Waite. — The next case on the calendar is the 
 case of Seraphina Frivol versus the Agueville Argus. Are 
 you all ready, gentlemen ? 
 
 {Lawyers bow acquiescence.) 
 
 Judge Waite.— You may proceed. 
 
 LAWYER Bluster. — The circumstances of this case are 
 such as to appeal to every man who has a hearthstone to 
 and a name to venerate. My client, Miss Seraphina 
 Frivol, a lady of rare genius, who has been aptly termed 
 and widely known as the " Singing Swan of Agueville," re- 
 luctantly appears before you here to take the only means 
 in her power to vindicate her libelled fame. 
 
 Her natural modesty, a characteristic of genius, would 
 not have permitted her to take this course had she not 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS ' AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 55 
 
 been driven to it by the solicitations of her myriad friends. 
 What recourse had she? What recourse have the sick? 
 The physician. The oppressed and slandered ? The law. 
 (Pauses?) 
 
 A viperous sheet published in our town has for months 
 past been vilifying this good lady's fame. It is our pur- 
 pose to prove that the degraded editor of this scurrilous 
 sheet has upon many occasions published the grossest 
 libels, yea, verily, actionable libels against my client. To 
 you I appeal, gentlemen. What amends can be made for 
 such dishonorable behavior? Damages. Damages. Noth- 
 ing but damages can heal this lacerated heart. I shall show 
 you that in the issue of September 2d of this year the Ague- 
 ville Argus has been guilty of the most vicious libel. To go 
 into a detailed account of the terrible effect produced by 
 these base slanders upon the health and genius of my client 
 would be beyond my powers. Her health has been wrecked, 
 her genius prostrated. It is a question of considerable dif- 
 ficulty to fix upon a just equivalent in money to offset the 
 irrevocable evils wrought by the sting of this serpent. A 
 female heart lies bleeding before you. It is for you to al- 
 leviate its sufferings. Gentlemen, we place the damages in 
 this case at §25,000. If there should chance to be an ap- 
 praiser in your number, he will know that this is not an 
 overestimate. For our first witness we shall call the ag- 
 grieved lady herself to the stand. 
 
 {Leads MISS SERAPHINA to the stand.) 
 
 Bluster {to witness). — Courage ! my dear lady ! Courage ! 
 The strong arm of the law is at your side to protect you. 
 Will you please tell these gentlemen in a brief and simple 
 manner the story of your wrongs ? 
 
 Miss Seraphina Frivol. — My acquaintance with the 
 defendant dates from infancy. He is bound up, though 
 not always pleasantly, with all my memories of the past. 
 My memory also cherishes the image of Longinus Turtle. 
 
56 SERAPH INA rRIVOL VERSUS "AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 
 
 We three were inseparable, perhaps drawn together by the 
 genius, which is often manifested in early child- 
 .1. We attended the same school, and in the afternoon, 
 when the other more froli ksome children disported them- 
 selves upon the vill n, we three might have been 
 
 tding the declivity from the little red school- 
 >ward the antique wood, a short distance oil, to in- 
 dulge in childish reveries. Amid such scenes it is not 
 surprising that my genius should have found expression in 
 verse at an early age. And it was while reading one of 
 these juvenile productions that I discovered the slumber- 
 ing rivalry for my affections between my two friends. 
 Henceforth they were bitter enemies. In Longinus Turtle 
 1 discovered a kindred spirit, a rare affinity, and my childish 
 heart gave him the preference. From this time the ani- 
 mosity Topham Shootingstick had shown his happy rival, 
 was extended to me also. Passing from these early to more 
 mature years, we find Longinus Turtle established as pro- 
 prietor and editor of the Torch of Truth, while Topham 
 Shootingstick was struggling under the burden of the 
 u -'ilk Argus. And now began a series of persecutions, 
 overt and direct, unchivalrous and dastardly {her voice 
 choked with sobs) ; for no sooner did Topham Shootingstick 
 see the rapid increase in circulation of the Torch of Truth, 
 brought about by my contributions, than he commenced, 
 ematically and persistently, to abuse me ; until, my 
 health gone, my heart pierced, my genius palsied, I have 
 n prevailed upon to appeal to the laws of the land as my 
 refuge. {Here she completely breaks (Lnuni) 
 
 Et. — Who can behold this picture of distress, 
 Viobc, and be moved not? My lady, b 
 while I ask you a few questions. Is it not a fact 
 that you have been, time and again, solicited by the de- 
 ant for contributions to his columns? 
 Sj.; .. — It is. 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 57 
 
 Bluster. — Has Mr. Shootingstick ever asked yotir hand 
 in marriage ? 
 
 Seraphina. — He has. 
 
 Bluster. — That is sufficient. 
 
 Mr. Shrewd {rising). — You have stated that you have 
 been solicited by defendant for contributions to his 
 columns. Have you anything in writing to support your 
 statement ? 
 
 Seraphina.- No, sir. 
 
 Shrewd. — Very good ! You have also stated that de- 
 fendant asked your hand in marriage. State the occasion. 
 
 Seraphina. — It was at our church fair, last year. I was 
 presiding over the Poets' Corner, in the character of 
 Sappho, when Mr. Shootingstick came up to me, and after 
 holding a short conversation, presented me with a motto 
 wrapped in paper. Upon opening it I discovered a pepper- 
 mint heart, upon which were inscribed the tender words, 
 "Wilt thou be mine ? " 
 
 Shrew/d. — A novel method of proposing. Now, please 
 tell us your reply. 
 
 Seraphina. — I maintained an indignant silence. 
 
 Shrewd. — Pray, what became of the heart? 
 
 Seraphina. — In one of my abstracted moods, I uncon- 
 sciously ate it. 
 
 Shrewd. — So, instead of making him swallow his words 
 you swallowed them yourself. Gentlemen, have any of 
 you proposed in a similar manner, and been rejected in the 
 same way ? ( Takes his scat) 
 
 Judge. — The witness may step down. 
 
 (Seraphina resumes her seat.) 
 
 BLUSTER {arises, with a bundle of papers in his hand. 
 Selects one, and proceeds) — Here is a copy, gentlemen, of 
 the Agueville Argus of September 2d. On the front page 
 of this paper, in glaring headlines, appears the following, 
 {reads) "' Insanity, not Poetry.' 'Are our Insane Asylums 
 
" 
 
 ( toercrow Led for one more Applicant ?' 'ASpinst< 
 Twiddle Twaddle.' In the Last number of our esteemed 
 content] ppeared the following 
 
 imbecile lin 
 
 'DROPS FROM A BLEEDING HEART, 
 i. 
 
 4 Within the circle of my heart 
 
 There was a tender spot. 
 I kept it long for him I loved, 
 But now I have it not. 
 
 n. 
 
 ■ Oh ! heart of mine, your loving strings 
 Have broke at last, I know, 
 For running red, the ruby drops 
 My deathless anguish show. 
 
 in. 
 * Oh ! heart of mine, now tell me true. 
 
 My love is dead, perchance ; 
 Then, what is all the world to me ? 
 A dreary, void expanse. 
 
 IV. 
 
 1 Oh ! heart of mine, the moonlight shines 
 And shimmers on the river, 
 And men may come, and men must go, 
 But thou shalt bleed forever. 
 
 1 Now, this is a capital specimen of the poetry written by 
 the Singing Swan of Agueville. We have heard that the 
 swan only sings once, and that while it moves along the 
 wards the ocean of oblivion.' 
 
 1 God grant that this may be the case in this instance. Of 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 59 
 
 this we are not by any means hopeful. In a careful read- 
 ing of the author's verses, we discovered so great an ob- 
 scurity that we were constrained to use the verse handed 
 us by our office boy (a composition of his own), which cer- 
 tainly rendered it in a measure lucid. 
 
 'OFFICE BOY'S VERSE. 
 
 * Oh ! heart of mine ! Oh ! lonely heart ! 
 I would that thou wert mated ; 
 Alas ! I play a lonely part, 
 By all men shunned or hated. 
 
 ' This verse will materially assist the reader to compre- 
 hend her meaning. In fact, it contains in the compass of 
 a single stanza the entire thought embodied in her poem. 
 She is lovelorn. 
 
 1 She desires the love of man, but this she can never hope 
 to gain. To the readers of her poetry the reason why the 
 sterner sex neglects her is obvious. 
 
 ' What man in his sane moments could overcome his 
 disgust at such maudlin sentiments ? 
 
 1 But let us examine more closely her verses. She goes 
 to a butcher-shop for her similes. How very poetic ! Im- 
 agine such a heart as she describes. Only one tender spot, 
 kept long, and full of strings. Brother Turtle, of the 
 Torch of Truth, should get the Singing Swan to write an 
 ode to " The Jaundice," and doubtless he would materially 
 increase the circulation of his paper.' " 
 
 Bluster {laying down paper, ana 7 continuing). — Such is 
 the ground for our suit. I might read to you in the A?gus 
 of September 19th how he has further libelled my client 
 by the use of such phrases as, "a crack-brained spinster," 
 " verses inspired by chills and fever." Also in the issue of 
 September 1 6th :" A befogged virgin lights her lamp at 
 the Torch of Truth." " A would-be poetess in the throes 
 
60 BKRAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS "aGUBVILLE ARG1 
 
 of mtluen w." Bill this is unnecessary, gentlemen, thriv- 
 
 I shall confine myself to the extracts cited from the 
 
 te i)i the - I will now call upon i 
 
 who has long been a bosom friend to this persecuted lady, 
 
 sympathetic nature and cultured appreciation 
 
 ha\ en the tinder sparks to kindle the poetic fires 
 
 of Agueville's sublimest genius. Miss Maypole, you will 
 
 be kind enough to take the witness-stand. 
 
 (Maypole takes the stand.) 
 
 Bluster. — How long have you known the author of the 
 poem just read ? 
 
 Maypole. — I have known my beloved Seraphina, oh, 
 ever so many years ! 
 
 Bluster. — When you first made her acquaintance, and 
 for some time afterward, was she apparently happ} ? 
 
 Maypole. — Apparently! Oh, sir ! that is a feeble word. 
 She was like some rainbow-feathered warbler chanting 
 blithesome lays amid the perpetual flowers of a tropical 
 isle. 
 
 Bluster. — How long did she continue in this happy 
 condition of mind ? 
 
 Maypole. — Always and ever, until the venomous darts 
 of malice began to do their dread work. 
 
 BLUSTER. — Her health during this time was good, was it 
 not ? 
 
 Maypole. — The bloom of her cheek was as fair as the 
 first blush of rosy morn. 
 
 BLUSTER. — She ate heartily during the while? 
 
 MAYPOLE. — She partook unsparingly of the nutriment 
 most appreciated by geniuses. 
 
 /.--What effect Upon her health and genius did 
 ,er attacks have, so far as you know ? 
 
 MAYPOLE. — The crimson tint of unimpaired health be- 
 gan to fade ; the plenteous repasts of delicacies remaioi d 
 almost untouched ; the bright gleam of conscious genius 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS "AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 6 1 
 
 became dimmed ; all, all was changed, and I feared me for 
 the precious existence of my dear Seraphina. 
 
 Bluster. — That will do, so far as I am concerned, Miss 
 Maypole. You may now answer the questions of my op- 
 ponent, if he has any to put to so gracious and talented a 
 lady. 
 
 Shrewd. — I cannot let my natural gallantry interfere 
 with my duty as an attorney. Now, Miss Maypole, you 
 have said that you have known the Singing Swan of Ague- 
 ville many years: will you tell us how many? 
 
 Maypole. — Oh, ever so many ! 
 
 Shrewd. — That might be three, or it might be fifty- 
 three. We will strike the difference. Have you known 
 her fifty years ? 
 
 Maypole {indignantly). — Sir ! 
 
 Shrewd {blandly). — Well, say forty-five ? 
 
 Maypole. — Sir ! I do not comprehend. Miss Seraphina 
 Frivol is a young lady of too high a character to merit such 
 insults. 
 
 Shrewd. — Oh, no offence ! I am a lawyer, and it is my 
 duty to bring out facts, even if they are disagreeable. How- 
 ever, the exact number of years you've known the so-called 
 poetess is of small consequence. We will call it forty, if 
 you prefer. 
 
 Maypole {turning to Judge, pleadingly}. — Oh, dear! this 
 is unbearable. I wish I hadn't advised her to come here. 
 
 Judge. — The law, my dear lady, is the guardian of the 
 republic. It is the only friend of the oppressed and slan- 
 dered, and, incidentally, it sometimes assists the census- 
 taker. 
 
 Maypole {despairingly) .—Oh ! oh! oh! 
 
 Bluster. — Your Honor, I am astounded at the manner 
 in which this sensitive witness has been persecuted. 
 
 Shrewd. — This begins to look like a case of the biter bit- 
 ten. Now, Miss Maypole, will you be so condescending as to 
 
kPHINA FRIVOL \ " tGUEVILLE ARGUS." 
 
 tell my humble self and these honorable gentlemen what 
 rring to the appetite of the Singing 
 
 Sion, "nutriment most appreciated by 
 ere your words ? 
 
 M.w i. — I referred to her preference 
 
 for | a] luxuru 
 
 SHREWD {rubbing his hcad t thoughtfully). — Yes, yes ; that 
 IS — will you please repeat that last? 
 
 Bluster. — Allow me to explain, for the benefit of your 
 untutored intellect, that the witness refers to the finny 
 class of edibles. 
 
 Shrewd. — Thank you for the explanation. You have 
 saved me from a headache. Now I fully understand. She 
 means, fish — plain, Friday, fish — mackerel, hake, cod, and 
 haddock. 
 
 Maypole. — This is intolerable. 
 
 Shrewd. — Pray excuse my dulness ; but will you tell me 
 whether your poet friend partook of this kind of brainy 
 nutriment just previous to writing the poem now in ques- 
 tion ? 
 
 Maypole (dejectedly). — I don't know. Indeed, I don't. 
 
 Shrewd. — If she did, were they or was it of the small finny 
 class, or the large finny class ? You must know that. 
 
 Maypole (sobbing ly). — Yes, yes ; I guess it was. 
 
 Shrewd (sharply). — Will you swear, then, — remember, 
 now, you are under oath, — will you swear it was not a por- 
 tion of a whale she ate to stimulate her genius ? 
 
 Maypole (breaking down). — No, no ; I won't swear at all. 
 R (leading witness to seat). — There, there; you 
 need not say anything more. Dry your tears. (Then to 
 court.) This, your Honor, is the most disgraceful case of 
 browbeating that was ever perpetrated. I have subpoenaed 
 a witne- er, who will not be moved by such con- 
 
 temptible tricks. Master Jack Pi, you may take the stand. 
 
 (Jack hastens to stand.) 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS l% AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 6$ 
 
 Bluster. — What is your business, young man ? 
 
 Jack. — Ain't got none. 
 
 Bluster. — I mean, what do you do for a living ? 
 
 Jack. — Oh ! I'm printer's devil for the 
 
 Bluster. — What did you say you do in the Argus office ? 
 
 Jack. — Keeps the scissors sharp and the paste-pot full. 
 
 Bluster. — Do you ever use the scissors yourself? 
 
 Jack. — I uses 'urn every day. 
 
 Bluster. — Oho ! So you are exchange editor for the 
 Argus, are you ? 
 
 Jack. — Xo ; I ain't no editur yet. 
 
 Bluster. — Then what do you do with the scissors ? 
 
 Shrewd. — I object, your Honor. I can't see what scis- 
 sors have to do with this case. 
 
 Judge. — Inasmuch as the article just read states that 
 the office-boy handed the editor the particularly offensive 
 verse, which is not a part of the original poem, it may be 
 necessary to prove that the boy clipped said verse from 
 some printed source — possibly from Martin Farquhar Tup- 
 per's poems. You may repeat the question. {Leaning /or- 
 
 Bluster. — What do you do with the scissors ? 
 
 Jack (unconcern edly). — Clips the legs off the roaches what 
 comes out of the walls. 
 
 falls back in his chair, showing offended dignity^ 
 
 Bluster {petulantly). — Well, well ! What other import- 
 ant duties do you perfoim about the Argus establish- 
 ment ? 
 
 Jack. — I has full charge of the sheol-box. 
 
 Bll'STEK ::sly). — What is — or rather, what is a — 
 
 a sheol-box ? 
 
 Jack. — That's the box where the printers throws all the 
 old leads and quads and broken type. We used to call it 
 different, but the editur said we'd have to call it the new 
 way to keep abreast of the times. 
 
oj SERAPHINA riUVOL VERSUS "AGUEVILLE arci 
 
 well. Now, did you or did you not at 
 write anything for the 
 
 Jack. — I m no writin'. 
 
 BLUSTER. — Then you did not write the verse ascribed to 
 he editor oi the Arg% 
 
 JaCI htening up). — I have never been guilty of 
 
 writin' poetry. 
 
 BLUSTER {quickly). — Who told you to say that? 
 
 Jack.— Dad. 
 
 Bluster.— What else did he tell you? 
 
 JACK. — He told me he'd ruther his little son 'ud be thrun 
 oil" the top of the Washington monument than grow up to 
 write poetry. 
 
 Ui.rsTER.— - There, there; that will do. 
 
 Judge {pompously). — Young man, I want you to answer 
 a question I will now put to you with a simple yes or no. 
 Did your sister write that verse? 
 
 JACK ( with uu suppressed disgust). — Naw. 
 
 JUDGE [sternly). — How do you know that verse was not 
 written by your sister? 
 
 Jack {triumphantly). — 'Cos I ain't got no sister. 
 
 {Judge sheepishly falls back in his chair.) 
 
 Bluster. — I don't want this witness any longer. 
 
 Shrewd. — Well, I don't want him. You may take your 
 seat, Master Jack. 
 
 (Jack takes his seat.) 
 
 BLUSTER. — I will next call up as a witness the respected 
 m the Torch of Truth, the paper in which my client's 
 m originally appeared. Mr. Longinus Turtle will please 
 the stand. 
 
 (Turtle steps up.) 
 
 BLUS1 BR. — What have you to say, Mr. Turtle, as to the 
 effects of the libelous attacks on your contributor, my 
 at? 
 
 j LE. The poor crawling worm, whose writhing shape 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 65 
 
 revels only in the slime of abuse, has wrought irreparable 
 injury to the health and genius of one of the brightest 
 lights of poesy. No longer does the molten gold of her 
 poetic thought adorn the lyric columns of the Torch of 
 Truth, a paper whose circulation is limited only by the 
 uttermost boundaries of this terrestrial sphere. 
 
 Bluster. — You can say of your own knowledge, then, 
 that these attacks of the Argus have prostrated the genius, 
 and hence injured the health of Miss Seraphina Frivol ? 
 
 Turtle. — Beyond all measure. O that her bright light 
 might once more mingle its rays with those of the great 
 Torch of Truth ! 
 
 Bluster. — With these impressive words ringing in the 
 ears of the cultured jury, I give over the witness to my 
 opponent. 
 
 Shrewd.— Now, Mr.— Mr. — 
 
 Turtle.— Turtle, sir, Turtle. You will find it in full- 
 face capitals at the head of my editorial columns. 
 
 Shrewd. — Very well, Mr. Turtle. For how many years 
 has the Singing Swan been a contributor to your paper ? 
 
 Turtle. — Ever since I assumed the responsibility of 
 editorship, and the Torch of Truth now has the largest 
 circulation — 
 
 Shrewd. — You have already said something like that. 
 Now you may tell me whether you have ever attacked your 
 rival paper in this village. 
 
 Turtle. — Sir, I have no rival in journalism. My adver- 
 tising columns — 
 
 Shrewd. — Let your advertising columns speak for them- 
 selves. 
 
 Turtle. — They do, sir, they do. For single insertions — 
 
 Judge. — That is enough on that point. We will have 
 no free advertising here. 
 
 Turtle. — There is none in my paper, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — Come, come, Mr. Editor, I shall fine you for 
 5 
 
66 SERAPHINA FRIVOL 1 
 
 contempt of court if you persist in this course. Answer 
 the questions more briefly. 
 
 . — Do you swear, Mr. Turtle, that the poem in 
 the 1 to is precisely t 
 
 printed in your colum: 
 
 Turtle. — All but the typographical errors. In the 
 I of Truth there are never any typographical errors. 
 
 Shrewd (sa -Wonderful ! 
 
 Judge. — The witness is incorrigible. He may take his 
 seat. He is fined ten dollars for contempt of court. 
 
 Turtle ay from stand). — Will five yearly- 
 
 subscriptions pay the fine, your Honor ? 
 
 Judge. — No. nor a hundred, if you issue as many as that. 
 Your fine is now increased to twenty dollars. Sit down, 
 or I'll order the court officer to remove you. 
 
 (Turtle dejectedly takes his st 
 
 Bluster. — T will rest my case here, your Honor. 
 
 Shrewd. — I shall not call any witnesses for the de- 
 fence. 
 
 Judge. — Your closing argument is now in order, Mr. 
 Bluster. 
 
 Bluster . — The evidence I have brought out I 
 
 think has been sufficient to support every point I made in 
 opening this important case. You are asked, gentlemen, 
 to alleviate the distress of this deeply-injured lady. Now, 
 ooo is a small sum to relieve the sufferings of a heart so 
 gored, a bodily illness so pathetic. And right here let me 
 say a word in regard to the conduct of the opposing coun- 
 sel. In an experience of many years I have never known 
 his methods in this case equalled in dastardlincss. You 
 have seen him break my witnesses down in the most outrage- 
 ous and disgraceful manner. You have seen him hold a 
 great genius up to ridicule, and dash the natural delic 
 of her dearest friend upon the rocks of shame and despair — 
 shame at his foul and unmanly insinuations, despair for the 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS " AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 6j 
 
 future of justice and right. Why have I permitted him to go 
 so far? Because I knew that the honest hearts of the jury 
 would revolt at such treatment ; because I knew that their 
 deep intelligence would see, under the mask of his machi- 
 nations, all the more clearly the hopelessness of his side of 
 the case. I will not review the evidence, but I will ap- 
 peal to you, gentlemen, to take this matter home to your 
 own bosoms. Let each of you imagine his sister or wife 
 posing on the highest pinnacle of poetic fame, only to be 
 bespattered with the mud of a filthy plodder among the 
 slime of his own unthinkable depths of scurrilous and 
 abusive journalism. Oh, what infamy is his ! oh, what 
 degradation ! Think, too, of the malice in it all. Had his 
 been the words of honest though ignorant conviction, we 
 might read with pity. But, alas ! my lovely client knows 
 only too w r ell the hidden causes of this base and libelous 
 conduct. She has told you in her own beautiful and deli- 
 cate way of his cravings for the love of her unblemished 
 heart — of his struggles to obtain the products of her un- 
 rivaled genius. Think of the discarded suitor, of the un- 
 successful follower, and let your sympathies yield to the 
 natural promptings of your hearts. Come, then, to the 
 rescue of a genius crushed by such ignoble odds. It is 
 damages, damages, nothing but damages, as I have already 
 said, that can heal the wounds of this lacerated heart. (Sits 
 down.) 
 
 Shrewd (rising). — Gentlemen, my brother of the law, 
 not in law, thank heaven, has undertaken a remarkable 
 case. He says so himself. It is remarkable in the fact 
 that I have not called a single witness to my side. He had 
 them all. Like certain politicians we have heard of, he 
 claims everything. On the other hand, I am ready to 
 admit everything. The so-called libelous articles appear- 
 ed, as read. The annoying verse was not, as stated, written 
 by the office-boy, but by the editor of the Argus himself. 
 
6S SBRAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS "aGUKVILLE ARGUS." 
 
 This same editor did ask the Singing Swan to be his by 
 means of a peppermint heart. He must be a very bad 
 man. (M* course I am an unfeeling wretch, that would take 
 up any kind of a case for a consideration. (), certainly! 
 The other fellow is always a bad one in a case of this kind. 
 But how about our great warbling penguin, or, rather, 
 Singing Swan? She asks $25,000. That's all. Still it's 
 enough to stanch those drops from a bleeding heart. Now, 
 I propose to trust my entire defence to a single point, 
 which I have kept to the last, in the hope that my oratorical 
 opponent would not deprive me of it. And he hasn't. It 
 is this : You are all residents of this town, and have for 
 
 rs patiently borne the long-sufferings inflicted upon 
 mankind in common by the poets of the day. You now 
 have a chance to get even on one — the most relentless of 
 them all. Can you, then, after all these years of torture, 
 knowingly, and in possession of your sound senses, put 
 yourself on record as not only encouraging but actually 
 fondling and nursing this plague ? I hope not. Damages 
 for a small-pox victim might at times be justifiable, but 
 never, never for the lacerated heart of a spring poet. {Sits 
 down.) 
 
 Judge (rising). — The powerful stand taken by the coun- 
 sel who has just spoken, puts this case in a somewhat dif- 
 ferent light from what we were expecting. It is for you, 
 however, to decide whether this is a case in which damages 
 can justly be given. On the other hand, the evils wrought 
 by the poets of the day are familiar to us all, and I cannot 
 recommend rewards in money for the encouragement of 
 
 try-writing geniuses. The law, however, protects even 
 a life insurance agent, and it is my duty to olace it before 
 you. The great unwritten statutes of mankind, on the 
 Other hand, do not make it a crime or misdemeanor for the 
 citizen to muzzle a mad dog, even if that same dog may be 
 the property of his neighbor. II, then, you find that the 
 
SERAPHINA FRIVOL VERSUS U AGUEVILLE ARGUS." 69 
 
 said article in the Agueville Argus is truthful in fact, you 
 cannot find it libelous, because its purpose was manifestly 
 benevolent, and its aim was to do good service to our peo- 
 ple at large, and, by example, to the whole suffering world. 
 With these admonitions, I trust the verdict you may bring 
 in shall be free from rhyme and not without reason. For 
 my part, I could not impose a fine that would be a prec- 
 edent for the great horde of hungry poets with whom a 
 struggling world is now in deadly affray. 
 
 {Curtain. 
 
SWEARING IN A JURY. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Judge Thinknought. 
 Thomas Dapper, Court Clerk, 
 William White. 
 Barney Brown. 
 Busby Black. 
 George Green. 
 Samuel Scarlet. 
 
 Judge Thinknought. — Mr. Dapper, you will please 
 swear in three new jurymen from your list. A death from 
 small-pox in the family has made it expedient to excuse the 
 three brothers Jones from appearing in this case. 
 
 Dapper [dipping pen in ink). — Answer to your names, 
 gentlemen. William White. 
 White.— Here. 
 
 Dapper (writing). — Barney Brown. 
 Brown. — Here. 
 
 PPER. — Busby Black. 
 \ck. — Here. 
 Dapper. — Come forward, Mr. White, and be sworn. 
 
 forward). — I beg to be excused from 
 a\ this jury. 
 —Your reasons, sir ? 
 White. — They are too numerous to mention. 
 Judge. — Nonsense, sir ! Stuff and nonsense ! Swear him 
 in, Dapper. 
 
SWEARING IN A JURY. 7 1 
 
 Dapper. — Perhaps he may have conscientious scruples, 
 your Honor. Parties are often conscientious about serving 
 on juries. 
 
 Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no con- 
 scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. {To White.) 
 Are you of age, sir ? 
 
 White. — Yes. 
 
 Judge. — Are you religious, sir? 
 
 White. — I hope I am, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — Have you ever served on a jury before ? 
 
 White.— Once before. 
 
 Judge. — Then why on earth cannot you serve again ? 
 
 White. — I have conscientious scruples. 
 
 Judge. — State their nature. 
 
 White. — They are of a domestic nature, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — How domestic ? 
 
 White. — I have a wife and nine children. 
 
 Judge. — What's that got to do with serving on a jury ? 
 Swear him in, Dapper. 
 
 White. — No ! but, your Honor, I protest against serving. 
 
 Judge. — Your conscientious scruples are of insufficient 
 moral force, sir. Swear him in, Dapper. 
 
 White. — One moment, your Honor, before taking so 
 fatal a step. What will my family do for support while I'm 
 serving on this jury ? 
 
 Judge. — The case will be over by to-morrow, and then 
 we shall excuse you. Your family can stand it for a day. 
 
 White. — It will be for a week at least, your Honor. It 
 was a fortnight the last time I served, and that on one case 
 only. 
 
 Judge. — Nonsense ! How could that happen ? 
 
 White. — I stood it out against the other eleven till I 
 was taken ill, and forced to give way. 
 
 Judge. — And you held out for a fortnight ? 
 
 White.— I did, your Honor. 
 
72 WEARING i\ \ jury. 
 
 JUDGE.— -Yon need n< him In, Dapper, You are 
 
 Mr. White. Call the next gentleman, Dapper. 
 
 Dapper.-— Barney Brown, step forward and take the 
 oath. 
 
 >WN. —I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 
 
 JUDGE. — You reasons, sir? 
 
 WN. — My name is not in the Direct'ry. 
 
 Judge.— What of that? 
 
 BROWN. — 'Cause ef my name ain't in the Direct'ry, I'm 
 blowed ef I know what bisincss they've got ter summons 
 me. 
 
 Judge. — Stuff and nonsense ! Swear him in, Dapper. 
 
 Dapper {modestly). — Perhaps the party may have con- 
 scientious scruples, your Honor. Parties are often consci- 
 entious about serving on juries. 
 
 JUDGE. — True, Dapper ! True ! We must have no con- 
 scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. ( To Bro wn.) 
 What is your occupation, sir? 
 
 Brown. — To earn a livin'. 
 
 Judge — By what means ? 
 
 Brown. — Any as comes handy. 
 
 Judge. — In that case, I see no reason why you should 
 not be contented to earn two dollars a day serving on this 
 jury. Proceed in the usual form, Dapper. 
 
 Dapper. — Take the book, Mr. Brown. 
 
 Brown [taking book), — I suppose this is the chromo what 
 goes along with the two dollars. Very much obliged fur 
 your present. 
 
 Jud rly). — We allow no badinage here, sir. 
 
 -Well, what do you want me to do with this 
 
 .—That, sir, is the Book of Sacred Scripture. 
 
 r hands upon it. both hands, if you please. Parties 
 
 apt to lay their left hand upon this book, meaning 
 
 thereby to swear over the left. So we require both hands 
 
SWEARING IN A JURY. 73 
 
 to be firmly planted on this holy volume when an oath is 
 taken, to avoid prevarication, quibbling, and indirect per- 
 jury. 
 
 (Brown lays both ha?ids on book.) 
 
 Dapper. — That's right. Now attend to me. You, Bar- 
 ney Brown, avow to truly try all cases that may come up 
 before you as juryman ? 
 
 Brown. — Ido. 
 
 Dapper. — Kiss the book, Mr. Brown. 
 
 (Brown kisses the book.) 
 
 Judge. — You may sit down, Mr. Brown. 
 
 (Brown takes his seat.) 
 
 Dapper. — Mr. Busby Black, step forward and take the 
 oath. 
 
 Black. — I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 
 
 Judge. — We will listen to no more excuses, sir. 
 
 Dapper. — Perhaps he may have conscientious scruples, 
 your Honor. Parties are often conscientious about serving 
 on juries. 
 
 Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no con- 
 scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. {To Black.) 
 What is the nature of your scruples, sir? 
 
 Black. — Professional ! Purely professional ! 
 
 Judge. — What is your profession ? 
 
 Black. — Have you never heard of Busby Black, the 
 great chiropodist? Why, it was I, your Honor, who so 
 skilfully treated your charming wife. A marvellous case, 
 gentlemen. Patient compelled to wear cloth gaiters, feet 
 covered with stubborn excrescences. Two weeks' treat- 
 ment, and patient tripping the avenue in high-heeled 
 French gaiters. 
 
 Judge. — No more of this, no more of this. Swear the 
 gentleman, Dapper. 
 
 Black. — I cannot take this oath, your Honor, without 
 committing a grievous breach of professional etiquette. 
 
5* i kRING IN A JURY. 
 
 Judge.- How will your profession suffer? How can 
 
 such a low p i suikT in any 
 
 . K. — I have a date with a bunion, your Honor. 
 Country gentleman, travelling two hundred miles for 
 ial treatment. x . linly ean understand the ex- 
 
 treme y of such a case. 
 
 JUDGE. — Your scruples are in ulhcient, sir. Swear the 
 gentleman, Dapper. 
 
 Black. — Nay, Judge, but hear me. I have other scruples. 
 
 Judge. — Come, out with them then ; what are they? 
 
 Black. — I have a strong prejudice against trial by jury. 
 
 Judge. — I never knew a man summoned to jury duty 
 who had not. 
 
 Black. — Aye, but my prejudices are very, very strong, 
 your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — And why, sir, are you so strongly prejudiced 
 against this most equitable manner of administering justice ? 
 
 Black. — I've got a brother that was hanged by an igno- 
 rant jury, your Honor. 
 
 Dapper. — Allow me to suggest, your Honor, that his 
 scruples certainly appear most conscientious. 
 
 Judge. — True, Dapper! true ! but we must have a jury. 
 {To Black.) Are you so conscientious as all that, Mr. 
 Black ? 
 
 Black. — Yes, your Honor, my conscience would not 
 allow me to serve on a jury in any case. Not for one hun- 
 dred dollars a day would I act against my conscience. 
 
 Judge. — Well, we certainly cannot offer you as much as 
 that. The law allows a juryman but two dollars per diem. 
 \CK {excitedly).— What's that? Say that again. 
 
 JUDGE. — A juryman receives only two dollars a day. 
 
 '.K. — Two dollars a day? Swear me in, your Honor, 
 and 111 serve for the remainder of my life. 
 
 Jui) .. — Ah, but your conscientious scruples? 
 
 Black.— Very true ! very true ! But I was speaking then 
 
SWEARING IN A JURY. 75 
 
 of murder trials, yes, murder trials. Murder trials, not 
 trials of other descriptions. Ah ! swear me in. 
 
 Judge. — You may swear the gentleman, Dapper. 
 
 (Black is sworn.) 
 
 Judge. — Bring up the next name on your list, Dapper. 
 
 Dapper. — George Green. 
 
 Green. — Here. 
 
 Dapper. — Come forward and be sworn. 
 
 Green. — I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 
 
 Judge. — That speech is getting to be a "chestnut." 
 
 Dapper. — The gentleman may have conscientious scru- 
 ples, your Honor. Parties are often conscientious about 
 serving on juries. 
 
 Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no con- 
 scientious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. (To Green.) 
 What is the nature of your scruples, Mr. Green ? 
 
 Green. — I am a wealthy retired gentleman. A man of 
 means, sir, I would have you understand. This is the fifth 
 time I have been summoned to jury duty within the last 
 five weeks, and I protest against it, sir. 
 
 Judge. — The fifth time ? Have you served on four juries 
 already within five weeks ? 
 
 Green. — No, sir ; I have not. 
 
 Judge. — How did you escape? 
 
 Green. — By paying fifty dollars each time for immunity. 
 Now it's about time this thing was stopped. 
 
 Judge (eagerly). — Fifty dollars? Why, that makes a 
 round two hundred. {Aside.) This is a good man to 
 strike again. 
 
 Green. — Yes, sir; a round tw T o hundred, from which the 
 myrmidons of the law have fattened. 
 
 Judge. — My dear sir, I am sorry that some rascal has 
 taken advantage of your position. (To Dapper.) How is 
 this, Dapper; has this gentleman been drawn on the jury 
 four times before within the short space of five weeks ? 
 
SWEARING iv A JURY. 
 
 PER. —AH chance, your Honor! all chance ! You 
 r methods of drawing up a list of jurymen. 
 Judge. — True, Dapper I true! < r<?GREEN.j You have been 
 reraely unfortunate, Mr. Green. We will see what we 
 
 i. » in your case. 
 
 GREEN. — I shall see that you do, sir. 
 
 JUDGE. — We shall take especial interest in your case, Mr. 
 Green. In the present instance 1 can see no escape for you. 
 
 I ) mter. — I know of a party who will serve as a substi- 
 tute for the gentleman, your Honor, for a small consider- 
 ation. 
 
 Judge. — A good suggestion, Dapper. What think you 
 of it, Mr. Green ? 
 
 Green. — I've been bled long enough. It's about time it 
 was stopped. 
 
 Judge. — It shall be stopped, Mr. Green. Meanwhile it 
 might save you much possible inconvenience to adopt the 
 suggestion of our clever court clerk. 
 
 Green (gruffly). — How much will it be? 
 
 Dapper (looking at Judge, knowingly). — I suppose, your 
 Honor, that the party I speak of might, I say might, be 
 persuaded to leave his present lucrative employment for 
 $25. I say might; yes, I am pretty sure he would, quite 
 sure in fact. 
 
 Green (handing out §25). — Take the money and let me 
 go. I shall see to it that I am not summoned again. I am 
 a man of means, I would have you all understand. (Leaves 
 court-room.) 
 
 JUDGE (aside). — It is just such men that we like best to 
 summons. (Aloud.) Well, Dapper, that makes up the twelve 
 jurymen, docs it not ? 
 
 DAPPER. — Your Honor, I will not be able to communi- 
 ith my friend until to-morrow. In the meantime 
 bad better empanel another juryman from my li 
 
 J UDGE. — True, Dapper ! true ! Proceed in the usual form. 
 
SWEARING IN A JURY. 7 7 
 
 Dapper. — Samuel Scarlet, answer to your name. 
 
 Scarlet — Here. 
 
 Dapper. — You will please step forward and be sworn. 
 
 Scarlet. — I beg to be excused from serving on this case. 
 
 Judge (angrily). — I will listen to no more excuses. You 
 are summoned here to do your duty as a good citizen, and 
 I expect you to perform it. 
 
 Dapper {in expostulatory manner). — Perhaps the party 
 may have conscientious scruples, your Honor. Parties are 
 often conscientious about serving on juries. 
 
 Judge. — True, Dapper! True! We must have no consci- 
 entious jurymen to interfere with a verdict. (To Scar- 
 let.) State your scruples, sir. 
 
 Scarlet. — I'd rather not. 
 
 Judge. — But you must. 
 
 Scarlet. — Well, then, I don't know nothin' about this 
 law business, and I don't want to. My father warned me 
 twenty year ago to keep out o' court, and I have never en- 
 tered the door o' one until now. 
 
 Judge. — That's no excuse, sir. 
 
 Scarlet. — I can give plenty more if you want 'em. 
 
 Judge. — But we don't want them. Swear him in, Dapper. 
 
 Scarlet. — What's the good o' swearin' me in ? I tell 
 you I don't know nothin' at all about this business. 
 
 Judge. — Do you know anything about any business ? 
 
 Scarlet. — No ! (Each No ! spoken louder than the pre- 
 ceding^) 
 
 Judge. — Are you an educated man? 
 
 Scarlet (stubbornly). — No! 
 
 Judge. — Can you listen to and pass upon a plain, straight- 
 forward argument ? 
 
 Scarlet. — No ! 
 
 Judge. — Have you the use of your five senses? 
 
 Scarlet. — No ! 
 
 Judge. — Have you the use of four of them ? 
 
i\ A JURY. 
 
 Scarlet (stuWornlv).— No ! 
 JUDGE. — Of three of them ? 
 
 Judge.— Of two of them? 
 
 i . -No ! 
 JUDGE.— Of one of them ? 
 aklet {shouting). — No! 
 Judge (shouting). — Are you a born idiot? 
 
 arlet (shouting).— Yes I 
 JUDGE (sinking back and smiling with satisfaction). — 
 Then you're just the very man we want. You may swear 
 him in, Dapper. 
 
 (Scarlet, in crestfallen manner, takes the oath?) 
 Judge. — Gentlemen, we have at last empanelled a jury, 
 and will now proceed to business. 
 
 [Curtain. 
 
AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 Judge Day. 
 
 John Smith, Shabby Prisoner. 
 Frederic Mackintosh, Long-haired Prisoner. 
 John L. Slugger, Prize-Fighter. 
 Mrs. Finnigan, Prison. 
 Jerry the Bum, Prisoner. 
 Policeman Button 
 
 First and Second Lawyers. {They retire on opening 
 of Court) 
 
 Judge Day faltering ivith smiles). — Good - morning. 
 Good-morning, gentlemen. 
 
 Lawyers {in chorus). — Good-morning. Good-morning, 
 old boy. How are you this morning? 
 
 Judge. — As fresh as a salt-water fish, and right on hand 
 for business, but — {looking at his watch). Ye-es. Court 
 opens in five minutes — but, as I was saying, I was the little 
 "As is " last night among the boys. 
 
 First Lawyer.— Have you had your cocktail this morn- 
 ing, Judge ? 
 
 Judge (good-humoredly). — Yes, indeed, two of them ; and 
 that reminds me of a good story I heard among the round- 
 ers last night, and I've just enough time to tell it before the 
 rabble are brought in. It's about an Irishman that — 
 (Lawyers close eyes and nod as if about to go to sleep.) 
 
 (79) 
 
AN HOUR IN a RT. 
 
 JUDGE {irritated}. — Oli. well, if you don't want to hear 
 it. I'll open court at once, but it's a good thing — the latest 
 out. 
 
 >ND LAWYER.— Give it to us, old fellow. Let her 
 flick 
 
 I — You all know the Honorable 
 Patsy Shechan of the 5th District. Well ! he told it to us 
 night, and made a ten-strike. One of his future con- 
 stituents had just landed from Ireland, and asked Patsy to 
 make a policeman of him right off. Of course Patsy had 
 to do something for him, but as he had just had four 
 friends put on the force, he couldn't do much in that line, 
 so he made him a conductor on the horse-cars. The first 
 trip he had alone, an old lady handed him a fifty-cent 
 piece. The conductor handed her, in change, two tens and 
 a twenty-cent piece. The old lady called out, " Here, you 
 swindlin' conductor, I want five cents more ; this is only a 
 twenty-cent piece." " By the howly Saint Patrick," said 
 the conductor, " but this is a great country whare they 
 make twinty-cint quarters." Ha ! ha ! ! ha ! ! ! 
 
 First Lawyer.— Chestnut ! 
 
 Second Lawyer.— Rats ! 
 
 Judge (chagrined, rapping loudly). — This unseemly levity 
 and familiarity is unbecoming in an American court. Let 
 the prisoners be brought in at once. 
 
 f Prisoners file in, followed by BUTTONS.) 
 
 First Lawyer (aside). — That was the mould iest old 
 
 story I ever heard him get off. Why, it's got hair on it. 
 
 —Yes, but he felt sat on all the same 
 
 because we didn't laugh. 
 
 (Lawyers leave court-room.) 
 
 — Bring up the first culprit. 
 
 t prisoners and seizing SMITH). — 
 
 >u murderous villain, come up to court. (Drags 
 
 Smith/ 
 
AN HOUR IX A POLICE COURT. 8 1 
 
 Jul "":at has this villain done ? 
 
 BUTTONS. — He was drunk, your Honor. 
 Jud —Three months. 
 
 (Buttons retires^ 
 Smith.— But, your Honor, I — 
 Judge. — Your name, sir. 
 :th. — John Smith, and— 
 GE. — Three months. 
 Smith. — But I wasn't drunk. 
 
 ge. — I know it. I know it. You never drank a drop 
 in your life. Of course not. You're an honest working- 
 man with a large family to support. Three months. 
 Smith. — The policeman had no right to arrest me. 
 
 iE. — Of course he hadn't ; he went into your house 
 and pulled you out of bed. Three mor. 
 Smith. — No. no ! that ain't it, I— 
 Judge (loudly) — Three months. Take him aw 
 Buttons [seising Smith ).— Come on wid me, yer bergler. 
 Smith. — No, I won't. I'm an innocent man. 
 Bu: ticing about him). — Oh, yer won't, hey ? Go 
 
 alone thin! {Gives Smith a jerk, sending him h 
 ' from court-room, BUTTO x club f re 
 
 in front of other 
 prisoners, with folded arms and cc rrows.) 
 
 Judge {look: —What is it? Did the 
 
 jring it in ? 
 BUTTOl r Honor. It's alive. 
 
 dge. — Come to the bar. 
 
 H (dashing up to the Judge's bench). — Mine's 
 whiskey straight. No water. 
 
 the matter with you ? 
 Ma. — I crave your pardon, 
 
 st noble Judge. I got the impression from your refer- 
 ring to the :.:at I was invited to drink with you, 
 and as a gentleman I could not ret 
 6 
 
Judge. — Oh, you couldn't ? Wh v ? 
 
 Mackintosh. — I am an actor, most high and noble 
 Judge. I play heavies, utility, first old man, and walking 
 
 JUDGR. — You ought to be good in walking parts. 
 
 Mackintosh. — I am. Indeed, I am my own and only 
 para 
 
 Judge. — Let us hope so. What is your name ? 
 
 Mackintosh. — Frederic Napoleon Augustus O 
 Anno Dominex Wellsquire Mackintosh. 
 
 Judge. — Here! Here! That's enough of that. You've 
 got names enough to supply a Mormon family, but they 
 won't help you here. {To Buti What's the 
 
 char. 
 
 Mackintosh. — Oh ! I won't charge you anything for this 
 performance, most noble sir. 
 
 Judge (To Buttons).— What's the charge, Buttons ? 
 
 Bui -I caught 
 
 him, yer Honor, wid this crooked stick, hookin' this cruller 
 through a hole in a bakery window. 
 
 tosh. — The charge is false, your Honor, from 
 Alpha to Omega. I have no use forcrulk: 
 
 Judge. — You look hungry enough. 
 
 kintosh. — Ah ! oh, great Judge, remember that 
 actors never eat. 
 
 Judge. — So I'm told. Ten days. 
 
 Mackintosh {tragically).— Unmasked at last! Foiled! 
 Hunted down! Imprisoned! (To BUTTOK 
 sycophant, hireling ! The bars have no terrors for my 
 strong soul. 
 
 Judge.— No, you don't look like a man that a bar would 
 terrify. Ten days may suit you too well. 
 
 tosh. — I would it were ten years, if only I might 
 bask in the sunshine of a kid once more. Ta ! ta ! 
 
 most honorable Judge, you have done me proud. 
 
AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 8$ 
 
 Judge. — It satisfies you too well. Three days instead of 
 
 ten. 
 
 (Buttons leads off Mackintosh.) 
 
 Mackintosh {departing). — Twas ever thus from child- 
 hood's happy hour. I've seen my fondest hopes decay, 
 decay, decay — ay — ay. (Disappears^ 
 
 Judge. — Next in order step forward. 
 
 (John L. Slugger steps forward, looking ugly.) 
 
 Judge. — You are accused of hitting a little news-boy 
 with your bare fist, breaking his jaw, and causing him to 
 be placed in the hospital. A big elephant like you ought 
 to be hung for such an offence. What's your name ? 
 
 Slugger (menacingly) .— Dat 's my bisness ! 
 
 Judge. — I'll make it my business to give you plenty of 
 time to think it up. 
 
 Slugger. — Ef yer want ter know so bad, my name is 
 John L. Slugger. 
 
 Judge. —What ! Not the great John L. ? 
 
 Slugger. — Dat's what I am, and don't you make no 
 error. 
 
 (Buttons takes a look at Slugger and slinks away.) 
 
 Judge {drawing a breath of astonishment). — Well, that 
 makes a difference. 
 
 Slugger. — Yer can bet it does. 
 
 Judge (leaning forward eo/ifdentially). — When did you 
 get in town, Johnny ? 
 
 Slugger. — I came in day before yesterday, and I'm a 
 goin' ter polish off a bloke in der Garden ter-night. 
 
 Judge. — Send me some tickets, will you, Johnny ? I 
 know you must have had good cause to hit that scamp. 
 
 Slugger (tough>y). — Bet yer sweet life I did. 
 
 Judge (good-humoredly). — No ! No ! John, I won't bet 
 my life with you. You're too good a man. What did he 
 do to insult you, John ? 
 
 Slugger. — Dat's me own bisness. 
 
84 AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 
 
 if you don't want to. I'd 
 like to know so I can discharge you right oil. Called you 
 names, didn't he ? 
 Slugger. — Ya-s. 
 Judge.— What did he say ? 
 
 Si UGGER {throwing his head to one side with a leer), — 
 ;h ! He says to his pal, " High ! Mickey, git on ter der 
 bii^ Bean-eater, what knocks em all out." 
 Judge. — So he called you a bean-eater, did he ? 
 Slugger. — Dat's what I'm a-tellin' ycr. 
 Judge. — That was provocation enough. You are dis- 
 charged. 
 
 (Slugger moves away.) 
 
 Judge. — Don't foiget the tickets, Johnny. 
 Slugger. — Forget nothun. 1 don't have to forget. 
 {Makes a threatening movement with head a?id shoulder at 
 Bv 
 Buttons (falling with fright). — Don't! Don't hit me. 
 
 (Slugger swaggers out.) 
 Judge. — Next prisoner. 
 Bu'i Mere she is, your Honor. 
 
 . Fin nig an (coming forward). — I'm as big a mon as 
 John L. Slugger, anny day. 
 Buttons. — So she is, sure. 
 
 . F. (curtseying). — And Oi can make as gude an an- 
 swer as he can. 
 
 JUDGE, — What is your name? 
 
 . F. — That's me own bisness. 
 JUDGE. — What's your own business? 
 F. — Me name's me own bisness. 
 Judge.— We'll call it Bridget Maloney. 
 Mrs. F.— Shure, Oi'm no Maloney. Oi'm a Finnigan. 
 JUDGE.— All right, Bridget Finnigan. 
 
 F. {quickly).— Mo Bridget at all. Oi'm Mrs. Julia 
 Finn; 
 
AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 85 
 
 Judge. — Good ! There are serious charges against you, 
 Mrs. Finnigan. What were you howling in front of the 
 pawn-shop last night ? 
 
 Mrs. F. — Oi was singin' me own sweet song, that's all. 
 
 Judge. — Can you repeat it? 
 
 Mrs. F. — Shure Oi can. It is loike this — 
 
 (Buttons throws up his hands in horror a?id hastens out.) 
 
 Mrs. F.— (Sings:) 
 
 " Can anybody tell me if the hock-shop's open ? 
 Fur Oi have a bundle as ye see ; 
 It belongs to Misther Finnigan, 
 And Oi'm goin' ter put it in agin, 
 So we kin have a foin ould spree." 
 
 Judge {stopping his ears). — Oh ! I know you now, Mis. 
 Finnigan, 
 
 Mrs. F. (curtseying). — And Oi know you too, Judge 
 Day ! 
 
 Judge. — You are a dangerous character, and I'm going 
 to send you up. 
 
 Mrs. F. — You won't sind me up while me name is Julia 
 Finnigan. 
 
 Judge. — We'll see about that. 
 
 Mrs. F. — So we will see about that. 
 
 Judge. — You were howling that horrible song of yours 
 half the night, up and down the street. 
 
 Mrs. F. — And haven't I a roight to sing so beautiful a 
 song ? 
 
 Judge. — Then you got boiling drunk, and broke every 
 gas-light in the neighborhood. 
 
 Mrs. F. — And Oi'll do it agin if Oi loike. 
 
 Judge. — Then you threw your neighbor's pet cat down 
 the sewer. 
 
 Mrs. F.— And phat if I did ? 
 
 Judge. — A policeman tried to arrest you, and you banged 
 
S6 AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 
 
 him up so they had to give him leave <>t absence for a 
 month. 
 
 MRS. F. — Oi'm as glide a moil as John L, anny day; and 
 
 1 kin lick anny copper On the fource. Me ould mon says so. 
 
 It took half a dozen policemen to bring you in 
 
 last night; and they had to throw a blanket over you to 
 
 keep you from scratching and biting. 
 
 Mrs. F. — And Oi'm proud of it. 
 
 JUDGE, — Now I propose to give you six months. 
 
 Mrs. F. — And O'ill take no six months. 
 
 Judge. — Here, Officer Buttons, remove this prisoner. 
 
 Buttons. — I've got a call around the corner, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — Take her away first. 
 
 Buttons {looks dubiously at Mrs. F.). — Please come with 
 me, Mrs. Finnigan. 
 
 Mrs. F.— And Oi'll not plase. 
 
 Buttons (assuming air of courage). — But you must ! 
 
 Mrs. F. (dcfuntly).—B\i\. Oi mustn't must. 
 
 Buttons. — Come on, yer auld cat ! 
 
 Mrs. F. {dancing). — Auld cat! Phat ! Auld cat, is it! 
 Oi'll auld cat yer. (Makes a clash at BUTTONS. Both dis- 
 appear front court.) 
 
 Judge (smiling). — Last prisoner, come forward ! 
 
 (Jerry the Bum comes forward.) 
 
 Judge. — Keep away from this bench. Don't come too 
 near ! You're about as fine a cherub as I've seen in many 
 a day. What's your name ? 
 
 JERRY. — Jerry, your Honor. Jerry the Bum. 
 
 JUDGE. — You're high-toned this morning. You're a 
 tramp. 
 
 JERRY. — I ain't no tramp, your Honor. I'm a bummer, 
 I am. I ain't so low as a tramp, I ain't. 
 
 Judge. — What brought you here? 
 
 J i. rr v.— Cleaning out the kegs for the proprietors. 
 
 JUDGE.— Oh ! I understand. You're a stale-beer guzzler. 
 
AN HOUR IN A POLICE COURT. 87 
 
 You had an old tomato-can and was draining the beer-kegs. 
 Was that it ? 
 
 Jerry. — That's about the size of it, that is. 
 
 Judge. — How will ten days suit you ? 
 
 Jerry. — I don't want no ten days, I don't. I wants der 
 free air of day and plenty er beer. That's what I wants. 
 
 Judge. — All right, get it when you come out. Ten days ! 
 
 Jerry. — I'll take less for half der money, I will. 
 
 Judge. — You'll take everything that's not nailed down. 
 Ten days. 
 
 Jerry. — I knows where yer lives, Judge, I do ; and I'll 
 put a double cross on yer house so dat every bum and 
 tramp in the country will hang around there, they will. 
 {Moving away.) 
 
 Judge. — Hold on, Jerry ! Whatever you do, don't do 
 that. I'll let you off with five days this time. 
 
 Jerry. — That's justice as is justice, that is. 
 
 (At this moment BUTTONS appears in a dilapidated state, 
 coat torn, eyes blacked, and generally broken tip.) 
 
 Buttons. — She got away from me, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — From your looks, I should say she had got away 
 with you. {Rapping on desk.) Court is closed. 
 
 [Curtain. 
 
ROPERIX \ DUDELING. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Judge Wrinkle, portly and pompous. Habitual frown 
 of profundity. 
 
 Lawyer Blood, Prosecuting Attorney. Rhetorical in 
 manner. Face indicating intemperance. 
 
 Lawyer Sly, unctuous in manner. Shrewd fealur 
 
 Janet ROPERIN, Spinster, aged about 30. Attired in girl- 
 is A simplicity. 
 
 Pelham Dudeling, slender youth, attired in garments 
 latest fashion. Eye-glasses. 
 
 Master Tommy Roperin, precocious 1 unin. 10 
 
 Widow Roperin, shrewd con in. 
 
 Susan Sixgleheart, betrothed to Dudeling, Spinster. 
 Jurymen, Court Attendants, etc. 
 
 Judge. — The case of Roperin versus Dudeling is now on 
 for trial, and before we proceed I warn all those who are 
 here as mere spectators that no unseemly levity will be 
 tolerated. You may proceed. 
 
 Lawyer Blood. — The plaintiff in this case, gentlemen, 
 is a timid, unsophisticated girl, the comfort of her widowed 
 mother, the brightest flower in the small village in which 
 she has passed her innocent life. Two years ago she was 
 roaming fancy free among green fields, the glow of health 
 upon her young cheek, the rippling laughter of light- 
 (88) 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. 89 
 
 hearted youth playing about her arch mouth. Suitors she 
 had many. Matrimonial prospects unlimited. An en- 
 chanted palace of happiness floated like evening clouds 
 upon her young horizon. But alas, the awful change ! 
 {During the follow big harangue Janet and her mother hang 
 their heads and sob convulsively.) The tender flower is 
 drooping and withered. The rosy, laughing maiden is 
 seen no more tripping over her accustomed haunts. Her 
 suitors have deserted her, as the bees desert the honey- 
 rifled flower. Her prospects of matrimony are forever 
 gone. Her enchanted palace has melted in the air, and 
 a hopeless void marks the horizon of her blighted life. 
 {Pauses and mops his brow.) You ask for a cause of this 
 pitiable change. The cause sits there ! {Pointing dramat- 
 ically at Pelham Dudeling.) That young man, if man he 
 can be called, has crept like the canker-worm into the 
 heart of this fair flower {turning to Janet), and has eaten 
 away its principle of life. That young man is responsible 
 for this pathetic picture of desolated maidenhood. That 
 young man, as I shall substantiate by unimpeachable 
 witnesses, by a course of villainy unprecedented in any 
 breach of promise case that has come to my notice in 
 twenty years' practice at the bar, has wilfully, designedly, 
 and maliciously stolen from this fairy casket the most 
 precious jewel it possessed. And now we come to the 
 question of compensation. Unfortunately, gentlemen, 
 there is no way of making this atrocious robber expiate his 
 crime in prison. Our only redress is damages. We have 
 it in our power, thanks to our noble law-givers, to bring 
 back the rose of health upon this maiden's withered cheek, 
 to bring the laugh once more to her face, and suitors once 
 more to her feet. And let us see to it upon our con- 
 sciences that this is done. Let us compel this young man 
 to pay in full the value of the precious gem he has rifled 
 from this maiden's heart, and which, gentlemen, she 
 
90 ROPERIN VERSUS l»l PILING. 
 
 ;.ooo. I shall show you how this 
 man journeyed from his palatial home in New York, 
 with the avowed intention of wooing this maiden. 1 shall 
 bring a letter, written to her by him, in evidence of their 
 confidential relationship. I shall show you how he passed 
 day after day in her society, while sojourning in the village, 
 nsibly for another reason, and I shall, finally, prove his 
 villainy by a witness who has seen him clasp her to his 
 heart, and has heard him pour into her ears dulcet words 
 of affection, as the serpent in the Garden of Eden hissed 
 his falsehoods into the ear of our general mother, Eve. 
 But we will first hear her own story. Janet Roperin, to the 
 stand, if you please. 
 
 (Janet takes her stand in the witness-box, holding a large 
 handkerchief to her eyes and sniffling audibly?) 
 
 Blood. — Compose yourself, my dear child. 
 
 Janet. — Oh! That I should ever have come to this! 
 (Sods aloud.) 
 
 Blood. — Gentlemen! it needs no eloquence of mine to 
 arouse your sympathies. This spectacle of feminine woe, 
 this girlish Niobe, appeals to your hearts more powerfully 
 than could Demosthenes himself. 
 
 Sly. — Very touching ! Very well contrived, Mr. Blood ! 
 
 Blood (indignantly). — I blush for your heartlessness, Mr. 
 Sly. I have never met its equal in all my years at the bar. 
 
 Sly. — I blush in turn for you, Mr. Blood. That you have 
 for many years been lamentably addicted to the "bar" we 
 all know, but it shocks us to hear you boast so brazenly of it. 
 
 BLOOD. — Sir ! (Advances menancingly toward Mr. Sly.) 
 
 Judge. — Gentlemen! gentlemen! Remember where you 
 are. Remember in whose august presence you stand. A 
 repetition of such disgraceful conduct and I shall commit 
 you both for contempt of court. 
 
 Sly {with a bland smile). — I have been perfectly in order, 
 your Honor, and I deprecate with you our good friend's 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELIXG. 9 1 
 
 hasty temper. It appears that his long experience has not 
 taught him that a brawl at the "bar" adds but little to 
 one's respectability. 
 
 Blood {choking with rage). — You shall answer in good 
 time for your insolence, sir. 
 
 Judge {severely). — Enough of this, Blood ! Proceed with 
 the witness. 
 
 Blood (turning to Janet). — My dear child, you have a 
 stout champion in me, who intends to redress your wrongs. 
 Answer now my questions. When did you first meet the 
 defendant ? 
 
 Janet. — We have been dear to one another from child- 
 hood. 
 
 Blood — They have been dear to one another from child- 
 hood, gentlemen. Mark her answers carefully, as I draw 
 from her reluctant lips her pitiful story. Can you state 
 precisely when you first met ? 
 
 Janet. — Yes ! It was on my seventh birthday. He fell 
 into Croker's pond behind our house that morning, and 
 would have been drowned had not my mother fished him 
 out with a clothes-pole. It was while he remained in our 
 house awaiting some dry garments that he first spoke to me. 
 
 Blood. — Do you recollect what he said upon that occa- 
 sion ? 
 
 Sly. — I object to these questions. {Louder.) I object, 
 I object. 
 
 Judge {waking from a doze with a start). — Who spoke ? 
 W hat's the matter now ? 
 
 Sly. — I object to the question our friend has asked. I 
 cannot see, your Honor, what bearing the prattle of two 
 children has upon the case before us. 
 
 Judge {severely addressing the assembled spectators). — Very 
 true ! Children should be seen and not heard. If any child 
 disturbs the future progress of this case, it s'hall be ejected 
 forthwith from the room. 
 
92 KOI 
 
 U are mi uir Honor. My 
 
 -ure 
 you will i me in m\ no 
 
 other method ca 
 plicity be compr^ 
 
 Judge. passing judgment 
 
 upon moral obi: 
 
 the criminal from the ho 
 tude, in orck 
 
 for which he is responsibl Mr. 
 
 Blood. {Puffs /'.. 
 
 Sou.) 
 
 Blood {turning to Janet). — Can you recall your conver- 
 sation ? 
 
 Janet. — He asked me for a glass of water, and ins 
 that I should drink before him, which I did ; and then — 
 and then — 
 
 Blood. — And then, what, my dear? 
 
 Janet. — He drank out of the glass from the same side I 
 had used. 
 
 Blood {prim U — He drank out of the glass from 
 
 the same side she had used. Here, gentlemen, we have 
 the seed. What greater mark of affection than to drink 
 from the same glass, from the same side, of the same be\ 
 age. Is it not a kiss by proxy ? Here then, as I have said, 
 we have the seed. Now, my child, tell the gentlemen what 
 happened subsequently to this tender incic! 
 
 Janet. — His family passed every- summer in our vill 
 and each other frequently. Finally, he went a* 
 
 and did not return until last year, when he came up to sell 
 the old place that had fallen to him by the death of his 
 its. 
 
 \nd then what occurrc 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. 
 
 93 
 
 Janet. — He passed almost every night at our house. 
 
 Blood. — He passed almost every night at her mother's 
 house. Here, gentlemen, we have the flower of affection 
 peeping above ground. Now, tell us if your conversations 
 together, at this time, were not affectionate and confiden- 
 tial ? 
 
 Janet. — At this time he made no open manifestations 
 of love, because we were never alone. My cousin, Miss 
 Singleheart, was always present. 'Twas not until he went 
 away, and wrote to me that he would soon return, that I 
 knew of his love for me. 
 
 Blood. — It was not until he went away, and wrote to 
 her, that she knew of his love for her ; and, gentlemen, 
 here is the letter. (Producing a letter, which he waves be- 
 fore the jury?) I shall read it. (Reads.) 
 
 u My Dear Janet " — His dear Janet ; mark you the en- 
 dearing epithet, gentlemen; he calls her his "dear" — "I 
 shall be wrh you in a few days. You must have observed 
 how fond I am of a 'certain party? and I trust you will 
 ^t me in winning her hand ; for I am timid, Janet, very 
 timid, and would not dare to speak without some encour- 
 agement. I am sure you can make matters easy for me if 
 you care to. Yours truly, 
 
 u Pelham Dudeling." 
 
 It is unnecessary*, gentlemen, to comment upon this let- 
 ter. Its purport is unmistakably clear. He desires that 
 she shall be his wife. (Turning to Janet.) Tell us now, my 
 dear child, of your subsequent meeting with this dastard. 
 
 Janet. — Three nights afterward he came down to our 
 house, and I managed to see him alone. He was very pale 
 and excited, and asked me if I had anything to tell him ; 
 and — and — (Here she breaks forth into hysterical St 
 
 Blood. — Poor child ! Poor child ! Gentlemen, docs not 
 this spectacle make your bosoms throb with i >n ? 
 
94 ROPER1M VERSUS DUDS! ING. 
 
 UT hearts not melting with pity? Is not the lump 
 of grief rising in your throats ? Pardon me, I am overcome ! 
 (///,/, in his handkerchief.) 
 
 this juncture Tommy roars aloud, while the frame of 
 
 Widow j ig back ami forth in anguish.) 
 
 BLOOD {after a brief pause, resuming). — Gentlemen, you 
 see here the full-blown flower of this sad alfair. We have 
 traced it, step by step, from the tiny seed. A few questions 
 more and I shall allow the witness to step down. Com- 
 pose yourself, my child. What was your answer when the 
 defendant asked you if you had anything to tell him ? 
 
 JANET u'onvulsively sobbing between her words).— Wc were 
 — folded in— a fond em — brace imme — di — ately. 
 
 Blood. — That is sufficient, my dear. You may go now. 
 ( I am T resumes her seat by her mother.) Mrs. Roperin, to 
 the stand, if you please. 
 
 ( 77ie Widow, heavily veiled, takes the standi) 
 
 Blood.— My dear woman, I shall detain you but a few 
 moments. Were you aware of anything like affection ex- 
 isting between the defendant and your daughter? 
 
 WIDOW.— I rcckin 1 was. He'd been keepin' putty steady 
 company with her for quite a spell. 
 
 Blood. — Did you observe anything in their conduct sug- 
 gestive of a mutual understanding ? 
 
 Widow. — Yes! Janet and I cum to an understandin' 
 putty quick. Says I : " Janet, I ain't goin' to invest in that 
 young man unless he's in 'arnest. You've had too many 
 worthless fellers eatin' up our money already." Says she : 
 " He's all right, mommy", and it was alius understood mu- 
 tual like between us two to that effect. 
 
 OD. — Were you not your daughter's confidant in this 
 affair ? 
 
 Widow.— Yes ! we was both of us confident, and whyfor' 
 shouldn't we be ; for 1 asked the young man, when he'd 
 cum reg'lar every night for nigh on to a fortnight, what 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. .95 
 
 was his intentions. Says he, " I don't understand your 
 meaninY' Says I, " You've bin cummin' putty reg'lar here, 
 and it's about time I knowed your intentions." Says he, 
 " My intentions is all right ; but if my cummin' here is not 
 pleasin' to you, I won't cum." Says I, " So long as your in- 
 tentions is all right, cum as often as you please "; and I 
 took his hand in a real cordal, motherly grip, which he re- 
 turned mutual like. 
 
 Judge. — Answer to the questions, madam, as put you, and 
 dispense with these unnecessary digressions, if you please. 
 
 Blood. — Leave the witness to me, your Honor. Answer 
 yes, or no, my good woman, to my next question. Were 
 you cognizant of the meeting that followed the letter writ- 
 ten by the defendant to your daughter ? 
 
 Widow. — Half ways yes, and half ways no. 
 
 Judge. — Beware, madam ! Beware ! 
 
 Widow. — That's just what I'm a doin'. 
 
 Judge. — If this continues, madam, you shall be com- 
 mitted. 
 
 Widow. — If I answer truthfully, I ain't in no danger of 
 committin' myself. 
 
 Judge. — Are you trifling with our dignity, madam ? An- 
 swer the question distinctly or you shall be made to feel 
 the strong arm of the law. 
 
 Widow. — When I sed half ways yes, I meant that I seen 
 my gurl goin' down-stairs to meet the party yonder (point- 
 ing to Dudeling), that I heard voices muffled like, and 
 that after a short spell my daughter cum a runnin' up-stairs 
 and went to her room on the third floor front, that I also 
 jumped up frightened like when I heard the front door 
 bang to as if a hurricane had shut it, and heard the foot- 
 steps of yonder party retreatin' pell-mell down the road. 
 When I sed half ways no, I meant that what passed in the 
 front parlor between yonder party and my poor gurl was a 
 mystery to me for a couple of days. 
 
96 ERIN VERSUS mini inc. 
 
 -And how did you finally learn of the defend- 
 ant lly conduct, and your daughter's ruined pros- 
 
 WlDOW, — My son Tommy fortunately overheard all and 
 told me. 
 
 Blood. — Very good ! We will let Tommy tell his own 
 
 You may go, madam. 
 Sly. — Hold ! I have a few questions to ask the witness. 
 JUDGE {with a yawn). — Be brief, Sly, for dinner-hour is 
 approaching. Mrs. Wrinkle and dinner are like time and 
 tide : they wait for no man. He-he-he ! 
 
 .—Ha! Ha! Ha! Capitally put. Excellent wit! 
 Your attention, madam, if you please. You have said that 
 your daughter and you came to an understanding. Will 
 you explain its nature ? 
 
 Widow. — Its natur'? Wal, it was jest about the same 
 as the understandin' I had with ma when Mr. Roperin was 
 keepin' me company. 
 
 Sly. — And, pray, what was that? 
 
 Widow. — Says she: Jane, men are awful artful bein's. 
 Says I : That's jest my conclusions also. Says she : Don't 
 be fooled by that young man. Says I : It's too late to be 
 fooled. He's committed himself. If that's the case, says 
 she, ask him up to tea to-morrow night. 
 
 Sly (to jury)- Gentlemen, you observe the nature of 
 
 the understanding which existed between the plaintiff and 
 
 thy parent. It seems they were both interested in 
 
 bringing this young gentleman to commit himself. Such 
 
 their mutual understanding; an understanding that 
 
 appears to have been handed down from the mother and 
 
 generation to the mother and daughter of 
 
 the succeeding. I am finished wiih you, madam. 
 
 (MRS ROPER] N takes her seat. ) 
 Bi ' r Tommy Roperin to the stand ! 
 
 ( M h M M Y takes the stand.) 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELIXG. 97 
 
 Blood. — My dear little fellow, will you tell us about the 
 interview you so fortunately overheard? 
 
 Tommy.— I was hid away in der parlor, behind der sofa, 
 when der dude sittin' yonder {glancing at Dudelixg) cum 
 in. He was smokin' of a cigarette which he had der cheek 
 to trow into der fancy basket what was only meant for or- 
 nament. I cum near hollerin' out, but I tought Id lay low 
 and see ef I cud catch him kissin' of my sister, fur I was 
 goin' ter pelt him wid rocks if he did. I was sizin' him up 
 from behind der sofa when my sister cum in. At sight of 
 her he arose all of a tremble, arid they shook hands. After 
 that they cum over to where I was hid and set down on 
 der sofa. "Poor Pelham! you want encouragement to 
 giveyer heart ter speak, do yer ?" says she. " Oh ! yes, yes !" 
 sftys he. " Have yer got anythink ter tell me ?" Den she 
 begun to say as to how she had allers loved him and would 
 be his little wife, and then he jumped up all of a sudden 
 and said it was a grand mistake all round. Dat it warn't 
 her he wanted ter marry, but some other girl whose name 
 I didn't catch. My sister got cryin* mad, and run up-stairs, 
 and der dude made for der door and I after him. I let fly 
 a couple of rocks after him as he run down der street, and 
 then I went after my sister to warn her I was goin' ter tell 
 on her. She begged me not to, so I kept dark for a couple 
 of days. Dat's all I know about it. 
 
 Blood. — Dear childish prattler ! Gentlemen, you re- 
 member the text, " Out of the mouth of very babes and 
 sucklings hast Thou ordained strength"? How beautifully 
 is it exemplified here. This innocent boy has, through di- 
 vine means, become the divine instrument of justice. On 
 his testimony our case hangs secure of a verdict. I am 
 finished. 
 
 Sly. — Turn to me for a few moments, Master Tommy. 
 How did it happen that you were hidden in the parlor 
 when the interview you have described took place ? 
 
 7 
 
98 koi 3 DUDEL: 
 
 Tommy. — My cousin, Susan Singlchcart, give me a cent 
 to hide away and hear what " Jenny " had tcr say to sister 
 Jar 
 
 Si I who is "Jenny," my little man ? 
 
 Tommy. -"Jenny " is der nickname me and de oder fel- 
 lers give der dude sittin' yonder. 
 
 Sly. — Master Tommy, you may go. 
 
 (Tommy shuffles out of the witness-box in a crestfallen 
 manner, and takes a seat beside his mother.) 
 
 Sly. — In opening the case for the defence, I have little 
 to say. I have not the eloquence of my opponent, Mr. 
 Blood, but I have an absolute faith in the truth, and the 
 truth in this case can be told in few words. I shall show 
 you that the plaintiff has no cause of action whatever. 
 That the defendant never directly or indirectly courted her 
 affections, that he visited her mother's house with far other 
 intentions, namely, to court some other female residing 
 there at the time. Mr. Pelham Dudeling, will you tell us 
 the story of your unfortunate misunderstanding with the 
 plaintiff ? 
 
 (Pelham Dudeling walks tremblingly to the standi 
 
 Sly. — Proceed in your own way, if you please. 
 
 Dudeling. — You see, gentlemen, it was all a mistake, 
 an unfortunate mistake. Really, very embarrassing. Quite 
 a dilemma, I declare. No man was ever placed more 
 awkwardly. Every man of gentlemanly instincts must 
 feel a deep sympathy for a fellow placed in such a predica- 
 ment. 
 
 Judge {pounding on the desk with his clenched fist. 
 DUDELING starts). — When you have finished driveling, sir, 
 we would be pleased to hear your st 
 
 \"G. — I beg pardon. No offence intended, rest 
 assured. You see I was in love all the time with a young 
 lady who was passing the summer with the Ropcrins, and 
 it was to see her that led me so frequently to their house. 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. 
 
 99 
 
 Very naturally, I became quite a friend of Miss Janet's, and 
 really I never could see the object of my affections alone, 
 for Miss Roperin was always sure to be present. Finally, 
 I hit upon a plan which I thought would smooth matters 
 for me, and when I came to the city I wrote Janet a letter, 
 which, I hoped, would enlist her sympathies. You see, 
 gentlemen, I was so blinded by love that I never noticed 
 how fond of me Miss Roperin really was. Poor girl ! I 
 never meant her any harm. I really was not responsible 
 for her loving me so devotedly. It is a lesson, however, 
 that I shall bear in mind, and I shall in the future avoid 
 women's love, which has placed me in so dreadful a scrape. 
 I shall, I declare. 
 
 Sly. — Relate to us what transpired at your last meeting 
 with the plaintiff. 
 
 DUDELING.—Oh ! I was awfully surprised. She had 
 entirely misinterpreted my letter. I suppose she thought 
 that the " certain party " mentioned therein w r as herself, 
 for when I asked her if she had anything to tell me she 
 loaded me with endearing epithets, and threw her arms 
 around my neck, and -and — she kissed me. She did, gen- 
 tlemen, on my honor. 
 
 Blood {contemptuously). — That is rather hard to believe. 
 
 Sly.— I suppose, Mr. Blood, you would like to question 
 the gentleman in your usual blustering manner. I am 
 through with him. 
 
 Blood {in a bullying manner, to DUDELING). — I suppose, 
 sir, you will dare to state that you never used endearing 
 tides in addressing the plaintiff? 
 
 Dudelixg. — No endearing w r ords ever passed my lips. 
 
 Blood. — Mark the man's duplicity ! A cunning fellow 
 this. No endearing words ever passed his " lips." Did I 
 say they did, sir ? 
 
 Dudeling (in a frightened tone). — No ! No! You never 
 made such a statement* 
 
ioo 'ERIN VERSUS DUDE! inc.. 
 
 -I>ut what I do say. sir, is that you have used 
 h endearirig titles. Do you understand, sir? Q#i a thun- 
 
 \ understand 
 
 And now, sir, will you have the audacity to 
 deny having written this letter? {Produces letter?) 
 
 DUDELING.— Ill deny nothing. I wrote it. 
 
 BLOOD. — You wrote it, did you, .you impersonation of 
 licity? And, pray, answer me this. (Reads.) "My dear 
 Janet, my dear "; u dear." Is not the word " dear " an en- 
 dearing epithet, sir? 
 
 Dudeling. — It depends upon how it is used. 
 
 Judge. — Quite right! Quite right! It depends upon 
 how it is used. It is well to weigh these matters nicely. 
 The word " dear " is capable of many diverse interpreta- 
 tions. When we say a " dear bargain " we use it in a finan- 
 
 I sense; a "dear wife or child," we use it in an aflection- 
 sense ; when we say we u pay dear for our errors," it 
 has a moral significance, and so on ad infinitum. {Frowns 
 profoundly and shuts his eyes.) 
 
 Blood (turning to jury). — Gentlemen, I leave it to you if 
 in the case of this letter " dear " has not an endearing sense. 
 And now, sir (turning to Dudeling), as you claim to have 
 been courting another woman all this while, will you please 
 favor us with her name? 
 
 Dudeling. — Her name is Susan Singleheart. 
 
 (Janet Roperin shrieks and falls upon her mother s 
 shoulder. Profound consternation in court.) 
 
 BLOOD {somewhat abashed). — You may take your seat, 
 sir. (Dudi ling returns to side of Miss Singleheart.) 
 
 SLY. — I have but one more witness. Miss Susan Single- 
 heart, will you please take the stand ? 
 
 (Miss Susan enters witness-box?) 
 
 SLY. — You were living with the Roperins last summer, I 
 beli 
 
ROPERIN VERSUS DUDELING. IOI 
 
 Susan. — Yes. I was visiting there. 
 
 Sly. — Did you observe anything in the conduct of the 
 defendant toward the plaintiff that would indicate love on 
 his part ? 
 
 Susan. — No ! On the contrary, his most affectionate 
 glances were always directed to me. 
 
 Sly. — Did he ever tell you openly of his love for you ? 
 
 Susan. — He was on the point of proposing once, when 
 Janet discovered us together and spoiled it all. After that 
 he had no chance, for Janet never would allow us to remain 
 alone together. 
 
 Sly. — You are sure, then, that he loved you ? 
 
 Susan. — Positively sure, for he has proved it by offering 
 himself to me since that time. We are now engaged. 
 
 Sly. — Gentlemen, are you not convinced that this young 
 lady is the "certain party" mentioned in defendant's let- 
 ter to plaintiff? As I promised, I have proved that the 
 plaintiff had no cause for action. Her case is founded upon 
 a gross mistake. This is made evident by their most im- 
 portant witness. Master Tommy has stated that the de- 
 fendant told the plaintiff he loved another; and, gentle- 
 men, the young lady standing before you is that other. It 
 is unnecessary for me to dilate upon the evidence. The 
 facts are before you, and from the facts I appeal to you for 
 a just verdict. {Leads Miss Susan to her seat and sits down 
 himself} 
 
 Judge (rising). — I believe, gentlemen, the facts in this 
 case are all in, and the arguments of the learned counsel 
 deduced therefrom. It remains for me to warn you to 
 trd against prejudice, and to think as one man. That 
 twelve men actuated by conscientious motives can think as 
 one man is beyond question. That twelve heads can form 
 the same opinion from the heterogeneous evidence sub- 
 mitted to them for their judgment is beyond dispute. That 
 twelve understandings should digest and decide upon con- 
 
102 ROFERIN VERSUS DUDELINO. 
 
 d ictory statements in the same way no reasonable man 
 Can deny. Therefore, make your consultation brief. If 
 I find that the evidence warrants a verdict in favor of 
 plaintiff, you will conscientiously give that verdict; or 
 it you decide the scales of justice show in favor of the de- 
 fendant, give your verdict accordingly. Gentlemen, we 
 Jt your pleasure. 
 
 {Jury retire for half a minute and return?) 
 Judge. — Gentlemen, are you decided upon a verdict? 
 Forkman .— We are. 
 Judgk. — In whose favor? 
 Foreman. — For the defendant. 
 
 Blood (aside, sadly). — I shall never take a case on 
 " spec " again. 
 
 [Curtain. 
 
THE CASE OF THE LONG-LOST 
 GAYBIRD vs. AMANDA MEEK. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Judge Legalcap, spectacled and pompous. 
 Lawyer Smart, brisk Attorney for Prosecution. 
 Lawyer Sharp, Attorney for Defence. 
 Reginald Gaybird, just from Texas, to claim his prop- 
 erty. 
 
 Amanda Meek, his Cousin, an aged Spinster. 
 Billy Crotty, an octogenarian Tramp. 
 Tim Johnson, an old, deaf, and tottering Rake. 
 Jurymen, Court Attendants, etc. 
 
 Lawyer Smart (opening case). — Gentlemen, you are all 
 of you familiar, no doubt, with the romances of Sylvanus 
 Cobb, that great light of fiction, whose effulgence is dif- 
 fused throughout so many pages of our " Family papers." 
 You have read with astonishment the extraordinary ad- 
 ventures of his heroes, and have marvelled at the impos- 
 sible difficulties in which they have become involved, and 
 at the equally impossible means by which they have be- 
 come extricated. But, gentlemen, never have you read of 
 so remarkable a story as the one which the case before us 
 now is about to unfold. Truly was it said that " Truth is 
 stranger than Fiction." My client, the venerable gentle- 
 man sitting before you (pointing to Reginald Gaybird), 
 is here to prove his indubitable right to a vast estate. For 
 
 (103) 
 
I nil- 1 0N< 1VBIRD vs. AMANDA Ml I 
 
 forty odd years he has lived in ignorance of liis wealth. 
 eking out e\ is a cowboy in Northern Texas. Why 
 
 be follow 90 mean a ; jreat a length of 
 
 l I reply in the language of the poet : 
 
 "Why does the ; 
 For the obvious reason, because he's an ass." 
 
 I that I would ine my client to he an ass, 
 
 ntlemen. Far from it. He has fed on the thistles of life, 
 because he has not known where the grass grew. This he 
 has now discovered, and has come North to feed. (Pauses 
 to produce an tmj . i Many in this vicinity can recall 
 
 you v Gaybird, and his innocent pranks. The story 
 
 of his sudden disappearance from our town is still related 
 by the oldest inhabitants. It occurred some forty years 
 ago, as I have ascertained; and never until within the past 
 two months has he revisited the scenesof his youth. He 
 mu\ [claim, with tear-bedewed cheeks, M Once more 
 
 I stand upon me native heath." (Pauses.) The circum- 
 stances leading to Mr. Gaybird's departure from his native 
 town, I shall let you hear from his own lips. It is sufficient 
 for me to state that he has been supposed dead for many 
 years, and it is from this erroneous supposition that his 
 property has been held by others for so long a time. I am 
 not here to heap blame upon any one's head, but merely to 
 n his just claims. Here is a copy of his father's will, 
 from which I shall read (draws will from inside coat-pocket % 
 u I bequeath my entire estate to my only son, 
 inald, and to his children ; but in case of his decease 
 te, I bequeath my entire property to Amanda 
 my niece." i fill, and restores it to insi 
 
 fict the case in a nutshell. The 
 
 that renders valid the claim of the present 
 )t of the Gaybird estate, gives to my client a prior 
 claim. There can be no controversy on that point. The 
 
THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 105 
 
 question resolves itself, therefore, to one of identity solely. 
 Is, or is not, the gentleman sitting yonder Reginald Gay- 
 bird ? I hope to prove by reputable witnesses that he is, 
 but we will first hear his own story. Mr. Gay bird, we will 
 hear from you, if you please. 
 
 Gaybird {shuffles into witness-box Jakes a chew of tobacco, 
 and proceeds). — I ain't used ter any of this law business, 
 gentlemen. Down in my country every man is his own 
 lawyer ; and carries the best kind o' an arguer fur justice 
 in his belt. It's a cold day when I git left down thar. It 
 appears that things work different around these parts, and 
 I'm willin' to act accordin' to what's squar. I used ter live 
 here some forty odd year ago, and was considered a prutty 
 hard 'uri. My old man never took any stock in my goin's 
 on, though I suppose he wus no better when he wus young 
 himself. He wus a queer, a reg'lar queer. He had what 
 me and Tim Johnson used ter call the " Methedist fever." 
 He'd go ter church a Sunday, and ter prayer-meetin' 
 reg'lar every night in ther week. The way we cum ter part 
 company wus thus wise. He had a contract ter build a 
 house fur the parson ter live in, which he got all along o' 
 goin' ter church so reg'lar. But in doin' the job he acted 
 crooked, and I know'd it, so, says I ter him, " If you don't 
 produce the boodle ter help me make good, I'll give yer 
 dead away." He didn't produce, and I swar I didn't have 
 the heart ter give him away, but you kin bet I had ter dust. 
 That wus some forty odd year ago, if I reckelect right, and 
 ever since then I've been down in Texas, in the cattle bis- 
 ness. I might a done well enough if I could a swore off, 
 but I kept a " blowin' it in " as fast as I " caught on," and I 
 suppose I'll keep on " blowin' it in " until I blow m)-self in as 
 a wind-up. Ther way I cum to find out about how things 
 stood up here wus thus wise. An old feller from these 
 parts come down thar to invest in some land, and in the 
 course of havin' a few drinks with him I diskivered that I 
 
106 TH1 JAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 
 
 id, Which I hadn't Icnow'd afore, and that a cousin 
 
 mine wus livin' off the money which my father had left 
 
 ru\ I might a let t' md jest as they did, if it 
 
 i thai I i lettle too old ter go out 
 
 on ther " round-ups. " Therefor, I come North to see if 
 
 I couldn't git what be) me, in order ter start a 
 
 ranch of my own down than That's all I've got tcr 
 
 and I'm will in' to trust to you ter treat me on the 
 squar. {Turns to tak r/.) 
 
 Sta\ ! I have a few questions I should 
 like to put to the gentleman. 
 
 Gaybird. — All right, stranger; blaze away. 
 
 Sharp. — Will you kindly tell us your age ? 
 
 Gaybird. — No! my fresh young man, I kindly will not! 
 
 Sharp. — You refuse to answer my question ? 
 
 Gavdird. — That's jest what I do, exactly. 
 
 Sharp {to Judge). — Do you mark that, your Honor? 
 
 Judge. — Answer the question, sir! 
 
 Sharp. — What is your age ? 
 
 Gaybird. — I believe I told you I wouldn't answer that 
 question. 
 
 Judge (severely). — Answer the question, sir, or you shall 
 be made to feel that we are not to be trifled with. I give 
 you one more chance. Repeat the query, Mr. Sharp. 
 
 Sharp. — Can you tell us your age? What is it? 
 
 Gaybird. — I dun-no. 
 
 Judge. — How dare you trifle with the court, sir! Why 
 did you not answer before? 
 
 Gaybird. — I ain't triflin' with no court. I only wanted 
 ter tell the truth. That's what I'm here fur, ain't it ? If 
 I VI a gone an' given it to you that I was seventy, and you 
 found out by the Family Bible I wus only sixty-five, what 
 would a bin the consequences ? Don't bull-doze me. Give 
 me a show, and I'll act on the squar. 
 
 Judge. — Silence! silence, sir! Confine yourself to an- 
 
THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 107 
 
 swering the questions asked you. I shall allow no more 
 of this erratic testimony. Remember, Mr. Sharp {turning 
 to Sharp), we are here to prove the identity of this indi- 
 vidual. Confine the range of your questions, therefore, to 
 accomplish that end. 
 
 Sharp. — Very* well, your Honor; I shall remember. (To 
 Gaybird.) Can you read ? 
 
 Gaybird. — I reckon I kin. 
 
 Sharp. — Write ? 
 
 Gaybird. — Quite right. 
 
 Sharp. — Add, subtract, multiply, divide? 
 
 Gaybird. — Afore the ivories have show r ed up on the 
 cloth. 
 
 Sharp. — You have received, then, a liberal education ? 
 
 Gaybird. — Lib'ral enough on the part of the public tax- 
 payers, but putty mean on the part of the old man. 
 
 Sharp. — Very good ! Will you kindly read from this 
 book ? (Hands Gaybird a volume of Shakespeare, and 
 glances around triumphantly.) 
 
 (Gaybird, having perused a page or two in silence, hands 
 book back to Sharp.) 
 
 Gaybird. — That may be very eloquent, stranger; but it 
 ain't quite nat'ral. 
 
 Sharp. — Read it to us. Read it to us. (Aside.) I have 
 caught him in a clever trap, a very clever trap. 
 
 Gaybird. — I ain't no public reader, friends. 
 
 Sharp (laughing and rubbing his hands). — I thought 
 not ; and very probably, gentlemen, he cannot read at all. 
 We all know that Reginald Gaybird was a graduate of our 
 town free-school. Therefore, if this man were the long- 
 lost Gaybird, he would have found no difficulty with the 
 text before him. 
 
 Gaybird. — Jest open that thar book at the dog-ear'd 
 I :af, and I'll explain the difficulty in a few words. 
 
 Sharp (aside). — Now he will certainly lose all chance of 
 
[HE LONG-LOOT GAYttlRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 
 
 a judgment. {Opens book as directed, and hands it to Gay* 
 
 ID.) 
 
 Gaybiri "To be, or not to be. That is the 
 
 question." To be what? Thai's the difficulty. The man 
 
 them thar words forgot to finish what he was 
 
 JUDGE, — There is no necessity of occupying the precious 
 time of this court with any more questions of this kind, 
 Mr. Sharp. It is obvious that the man can read ; and if he 
 can read, it naturally follows that he can write, and add, 
 and subtract, and divide, and multiply; which is all that 
 Mr. Reginald Gaybird, if tradition speaks truly, could ac- 
 complish. 
 
 Sharp (in a crestfallen manner). — Very well, your Honor. 
 I have finished with the gentleman. 
 
 Gaybird (triumphantly)* — Is there anybody else as wants 
 to question me ? 
 
 Judge. — No one sir. You may take your seat. 
 SMART. — My next witness, gentlemen, is the worthy 
 Timothy Johnson, our oldest inhabitant. 
 
 (Tim Johnson hobbles into witness box with ear-trumpet 
 in his hand.) 
 
 Smart (shouting). — Were you not a friend of young 
 ^inald Gaybird, who lived in this town some forty years 
 ago? 
 
 Johnson.— Gaybird ! Gaybird! Little Reggy do you 
 mean ? Oh, yes ! I knew him well. 
 
 \rt.— When did you see him last? 
 J' tfing ear-tritmpet). - Eh ? 
 
 RT;— When did your sec him last? 
 
 ! did you say? Yes! he was a pretty 
 Oung man, but gencro'is to a fault. 
 i<t (vrxedlj).—Ko ! No ! ! No ! ! ! (Shouting.) When 
 did you sec him 1 
 
 JOHNSON, — Oh ! yes ! yes ! ! When did I see hirn. Why, 
 
THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 109 
 
 I saw him for the first time in forty years — about two 
 months ago. 
 
 Smart. — Please state the circumstances of meeting him. 
 
 Johnson. — What chances of cheating him ? None what- 
 ever, I can assure you. He was far too wide-awake for 
 that, and would catch you at stacking the cards, every 
 time. He was a bright young man. 
 
 Smart (shouting each word distinctly in mouth of car- 
 trumpet). — How — when — and — where — did — you — meet — 
 him? 
 
 Johnson. — Oh, yes! of course. It was in this manner: 
 A visitor came to my house one night about two months 
 ago, and asked for Tim Johnson. He was brought into the 
 sitting-room where I was reading, and grasped my hand 
 before I could rise, shouting, " Don't you know me, pard ? " 
 To tell the truth, I did not, until he told me his name, and 
 then — why, of course I recognized little Reggy, although 
 he was grown to be an old fellow like myself. Then I 
 brought out the bottle, and — he ! he ! ! he ! ! ! we made a 
 night of it. 
 
 Sharp (sarcastically). — He must have enjoyed a social 
 chat with you immensely. 
 
 Smart. — For shame, Mr. Sharp, to jest with the infirm- 
 ities of age. (Turning to witness.) Would you recognize 
 the gentleman, known as Reginald Gaybird, if he were 
 present? 
 
 Johnson. — Oh ! certainly. 
 
 Smart. — Mr. Gaybird, this way, if you please. (Turning 
 to Johnson.) Is not this the man ? 
 
 JOHNSON (taking old-fashioned spectacles from pocket and 
 placing them on nose). — How are you, Reggy? 
 
 Gaybird. — Bloomin', pard! How's yourself? 
 
 Johnson. - Eh? 
 
 Gaybird (shouting). — How's yourself? 
 
 Johnson. — Very well, Reggy, very well, considering. 
 
no rm LONG- LOST QAYBIRD vs. AMANDA MEEK. 
 
 Would you like to question this witness, Mr. 
 
 : "p ? 
 
 Sh \ki\ — No, thank you. I do not care to ruin my bron- 
 chial tul 
 
 LRT. — You may resume your scat, Mr. Johnson. 
 (Johnson does not hear, and remains immovable?) 
 
 Smart (fonder). — You may take your seat. 
 
 (No effects 
 
 SHARP. — \ ou may take your seat. 
 
 JUDGE.— Sit down, sir. {Still no effect?) 
 
 Chorus: Legalcap, Smart, Sharp. — You— may — sit — 
 down. 
 
 Johnson (starting). — Oh, yes ! very true. Thank you, 
 gentlemen. I shall be glad to please you. (Resumes his 
 seat.) 
 
 Smart. — Your Honor, I have but one more witness to 
 prove my case. An old man verging toward the grave, and 
 I trust Mr. Sharp will spare us the acidity of his tongue. 
 This trifling with gray hairs is indecorous in the extreme. 
 
 Sharp. — How filial a son you must be, Mr. Smart. 
 
 Smx\rt. — At least I reverence gray hairs. 
 
 (Leads a decrepit old man to the stand.) 
 
 Smart {with feigned respect). — What is your name? 
 
 Witness. — Billy ! 
 
 Smart. — Very good, but your full name, please. 
 
 Witness.— Gintlcmcn calls me Williams ; my friends 
 calls me Billy ; and the boys calls me "Old Tank." 
 
 Judge. — We know you, sir. Have a care how you 
 answer. 
 
 WITNESS. — You wouldn't give me tin days fur nothin', 
 Juel 
 
 Judge. — You may get a worse punishment than that if 
 you give such irrelevant answer*. 
 
 WITNESS. — I meant no irriverence, on me word, yer 
 Honor. 
 
THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. Ill 
 
 Judge. — Enough. Proceed, Mr. Smart. 
 
 Smart. — Now, Billy, we only want you to tell us your 
 last name. 
 
 Witness. — Oh, me last name, is it ? Why, Crotty of 
 coorse, as his Honor knows very well. 
 
 Smart. — Your age, please? 
 
 Witness. — I reckin I'm summat about threescore year 
 and ten. I lost track some twinty year ago. 
 
 Smart. — Where were you born ? 
 
 Witness. — The house I was born in used to stand on 
 the courner of High Street, but it was tore down many a 
 long year ago. 
 
 Smart. — Very good ! You are an old inhabitant of this 
 town. Have you lived here all your life ? 
 
 Witness. — I very lad in the village can tell you so. 
 
 Smart. — Were you ever in business here ? 
 
 Witness. — Yes ; I used ter keep the " Peddlar's Rest," 
 Mike Dugan's place. 
 
 Smart. — Very good ! Were you ever acquainted with 
 Reginald Gaybird ? 
 
 Witness (chuckling). — You're right, I was. A good boy 
 he was, too , although when he skipped he owed me twinty 
 dollars. 
 
 Smart. — Would you know him now if he should return ? 
 
 Witness. — I could stake me sowl on the lad. Shure 
 he's a mark on his arm that'll last him fur life. 
 
 Smart. — What is the nature of this mark ? 
 
 Wttness. — I cud tell yer better wan I saw it. Sumphat 
 about a gurl he kipt company wid. Her name, and a heart 
 pricked in wid rid, fite, and blue. 
 
 Smart. — Mr. Gaybird, come forward, please. (Turning 
 to witness.) Is this the man? 
 
 Witness (after a close scrutiny of Gaybird' '§ features). — 
 Sure if I cud see the rid, fite, and blue on his arm I cud 
 sware it was Reggy himself. 
 
113 THt LONG-LOST GAYBIKD VS, AMANDA MEEK, 
 
 lease tO show the mark, Mr. (Jaybird. 
 
 u/fy examines.) 
 Wi i >hure there's no usegoin'onannyfurderwid 
 
 i thrial. limself. 
 
 . —You n the g< ntleman ? 
 
 Witness. — And if it wusn't fur the mark, 1 cud tell him 
 by the cunnin' eye he has. The \ iry same rogue of an eye 
 that broke the gurls' hearts years gone by. 
 
 SMART. — Enough! Here is an indubitable proof of my 
 client's identity. What more can you ask, gentlemen? 
 fury,) I have finished my case and leave it in 
 your hands, confident of a verdict. 
 
 Sharp. — May I ask the witness a question or two? 
 Judge. — You certainly have that privilege. 
 Sharp (/o witness). — What is your occupation? 
 WITNESS. — A retired gintlcman. 
 
 Sharp. — A retired gentleman, indeed. What is your an- 
 nual income ? 
 
 WITNESS.— I have noa income. Shure it's all outcome. 
 
 Sharp. — In what manner outcome? 
 
 Witness. — The outcome of me fellow bein's ginirosity. 
 
 Sharp. — You see, gentlemen, the character of the wit- 
 
 9 upon whose word the claimant's identity hinges. A 
 
 village pauper, a tavern roisterer. What faith can be placed 
 
 in such testimony ? To my mind this is a shrewd case of 
 
 blackmail. The character of the claimant, and of the wit- 
 
 brought forward to establish his claim, fully bear 
 
 out in this theory. ( To witness.) I have finished with 
 
 for the • sir; and you may be thankful hereafter 
 
 if you are not brought before this bar to answer charges of 
 
 perjury. ( // r itness takes his seat.) 
 
 itleraen, the defence has little to do in this 
 . iie absurdity of the claim is too obvious to demand 
 an elaborate I shall prove to your entire satisfac- 
 
 tion that Reginald Gaybird, after a life the most dissolute; 
 
THE LONG-LOST GAYBIRD VS. AMANDA MEEK. 1 13 
 
 after having sacrificed all claims to paternal tolerance ; 
 after having amassed debts, and thrown to the four winds 
 of heaven every honorable impulse, ran away to Texas, and 
 there died a violent death. Miss Meek, the present pos- 
 sessor of the Gaybird estates, is the only witness I shall 
 call to establish my case, for I deem it unnecessary to rake 
 up all the octogenarians in the town to deny the identity 
 of the claimant. Miss Meek, if you please, we will hear 
 your unvarnished story. 
 
 ( M 1 SS Amanda Meek, a venerable spinster, takes the stand?) 
 
 Sh.arp. — Were you acquainted with Reginald Gaybird ? 
 
 Amanda. — Yes, we were always together as children. 
 
 Sharp. — Do you recollect the circumstances of his dis- 
 appearance? 
 
 Amanda. — Very well. He had a falling out with Uncle 
 Siias, his father, and ran away in a fit of passion, to revenge 
 himself. 
 
 Sharp. — A novel revenge, surely. Did you not hear of 
 his death a few years afterwards ? 
 
 Amanda. — Yes. Poor fellow, he died of a broken heart. 
 You see lie could not live away from his loved one. Poor 
 Reggy, ours has been a romantic affair. But 1 have been 
 true to you, Reggy, and have refused all of the many offers 
 I have received since you left me so cruelly. {Weeps.) 
 Yes, poor fellow, he died of a broken heart. 
 
 Sharp. — I thought it was of a broken head. 
 
 Amanda. — His physical death undoubtedly resulted 
 from the tomahawk of an Apache, but his heart was dead 
 long before that. 
 
 Gaybird {who has scrutinized her features closely all this 
 time, breaks forth). — Wal, I'm blamed if that ain't 
 
 Amanda, shur'n I'm alive. 
 
 Judge. — Silence! in court. 
 
 Sharp. — How did you hear of his death ? 
 
 Amanda. — 1 first read of it in the newspapers, and after- 
 8 
 
114 TUF TnN GAYBIRD vs. AMANDA MEEK. 
 
 war red a letter from an acquaintance of his. stating 
 
 that the man killed on the Rio Grande was without doubt 
 inald. as he had departed for a mining-camp in that 
 few days before. 
 
 GAYBIRD {starting up). — That's all true, you kin bet, 
 Jedge, but it wasn't me as was killed, but Squint-eyed Jake, 
 as was along with me. I escaped by standin' in the water 
 up to me nose, and bein' hid by the reeds what grew in 
 the river. (To Amanda) Don't yer know me, 'Manda ? 
 Don't yer know Gaybird ? (baring his arm.) Can't yer 
 remember when we went to the County Fair together, en 
 I had this yere heart pricked in me skin, 'cause yer wanted 
 me ter ? Look ! Look ! ( Thrusts his arm before her eyes?) 
 
 AMANDA (after a close 'scrutiny). — Oh ! my long-lost 
 Reggy. (Sinks in his arms?) 
 
 Sharp.— That settles the whole business. 
 
 [Quick curtain. 
 
THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS 
 SWINDLE. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 JUDGE Stiff, learned and bombastic. 
 
 Mrs. Easy, Boarding-house keeper. 
 
 Sir Augustus Swindle, impecunious Baron. 
 
 Lawyer Single, Prosecution. 
 
 Lawyer Double, Defotce. 
 
 Mr. Lush, Witness for Prosecution. 
 
 Mr. Cranium, Prof essrr of Phrenology. 
 
 Judge Stiff {opening court, slowly and pompously). — I 
 will now condescend to hear the next case on the docket, 
 Easy versus Swindle. 
 
 Lawyer Single {bobbing up nervously). — I appear for the 
 prosecution. 
 
 Lawyer Double. — And I for the defence. 
 
 Judge. — Gentlemen, that is not the way to address the 
 honorable court. 
 
 Single {bowing deeply). — May it please your Honor, it is 
 my humble duty to appear for the plaintiff in this case. 
 
 Judge. — You may proceed, sir. 
 
 Single. — Briefly, your Honor, my client, Mrs. Easy, the 
 proprietress of a fashionable boarding-house, claims to 
 have been swindled by a rascally scamp who has imposed 
 upon her motherly feelings in a shameless way. This man 
 
 (ii5) 
 
I 16 THE TRIAL ov SIR AUG! W iNPii. 
 
 claimed to be an English Baron, but the only thing about 
 
 him that Looked like Baron was his pocket-book, and that was 
 
 taiuly barren enough. For three months he impc* 
 
 enerOUS Mrs. Easy, living in her finest apart- 
 ments and partaking Largely of the delicacies of her larder,- 
 without paving her so much as one dollar. We hi 
 brought him here to enforce this payment, and our claim 
 is tor twelve weeks' board, at $20 per week, aggregating in 
 all. $240. 
 
 Mrs. Easy, you will please testify to your wrongs. 
 
 (Mrs. Easy takes stand.) 
 
 Single. — Can you relate to us the circumstances of this 
 case ? 
 
 Mrs. Easy. — Very simply. I am the widow of the late 
 lamented Edward Easy, a man of remarkably fine physique 
 and pleasing manners. He loved me devotedly, but left 
 me nothing at his death excepting his clothes, which in- 
 cluded a ten-cent piece and a pocket-knife. With this 
 stock in trade I could do nothing to start in life, so I ad- 
 vertised for boarders, taking a large house in a good local- 
 ity to begin my new life. 
 
 Amongst my first applicants was Sir Augustus Swindle. 
 His manners interested me, and it seemed indeed his ob- 
 ject that I should be pleased with him. He completely 
 won my confidence. He was so kind to my little Hobby: 
 gave him a»pples, and sent him of errands in the kindest way 
 p ssible. He told me that he was very wealthy, but had 
 run away from his home in England, Cheatem Manor, 
 Footpad Lane, because his father had taken a second wife ; 
 and the idea of a stranger taking his wept-for mother's 
 place was too much. At present he was embarrassed, but 
 in a few weeks would receive large remittances from his 
 b relatives. Of course, I was delighted to have so 
 i in my house, and only discovered his roguery 
 when lie decamped one night to reside in more elegant 
 
THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 1 17 
 
 apartments. If he can live in the manner he does, he can 
 certainly pay me what he owes. 
 
 Single. — And rest assured, madam, he shall pay you. 
 
 Judge. — No asides, if you please. Remember you must 
 observe the etiquette of the court. 
 
 Double (seated). — Now let me ask the witness a few 
 questions. 
 
 Judgii. — Arise, sir. How dare you address the honorable 
 court in a sitting posture. 
 
 Double {rising and bowing). — I crave the honorable 
 pardon of your Honor's honorable court. 
 
 Judge. — Your abject apology is accepted, sir. Pro- 
 ceed. 
 
 Double {turning to witness). — When did you first enter- 
 tain Sir Augustus Swindle as your g nest ? 
 
 Mrs. Easy. — He first crossed my threshold about four 
 months ago. 
 
 Double.— And when did he take his departure? 
 
 Single (interrupting). — Say, rather, when did he ab- 
 scond ? 
 
 Double. — I appeal to the honorable court against this 
 interruption. 
 
 Judgf. — And your appeal is granted. It shall never be 
 said that Judge Stiff was appealed to in vain. Be silent, 
 Mr. Single ! Proceed, Mr. Double ! 
 
 Double. — When did the defendant leave your premises ? 
 
 Mrs. Easy. — About a month ago. 
 
 Double. — That was the limit of his visit ? 
 
 Mrs. Easy. — Yes. 
 
 Double (chuckling). — Now, tell me, madam, what has 
 possessed you to appear against your guest in a case of this 
 kind ? Is it usual in society for us to sue our visitors for 
 board ? 
 
 Mrs. Easy. — But he wasn't my guest. He was simply 
 a boarder, a first-floor boarder at that. 
 
11S THE 1K1AI, OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 
 
 Doi d surprise), — Oh! 
 
 i said he was your guest, your visit 
 [udge. — So you did, ma/dam. 
 Mrs -Did I ? Well, I did not mean it. 
 
 JUDGE. — Confine yourself to what you do mean. You 
 be seated. 
 
 (Mrs. Easy takes her scat.) 
 
 Single. — Mr. Lush, please step forward. 
 
 (Lush takes the stand.) 
 
 Single. — Were you not a fellow-boarder of Augustus 
 Swindle's, when he lived with Mrs. Easy? 
 
 Lush.— Yes. 
 
 Single. — What was your impression of his means ? 
 
 Lush. — My impression was that he never had the means 
 to make good a fifty-dollar note he borrowed from me dur- 
 ing the first week. 
 
 Single. — So he owes you fifty ? (Aside.) I'll get another 
 case here. And he won't pay you ? Now, answer me this. 
 Did you ever consider him a cheat ? 
 
 Lush.— Yes. 
 
 Single. — What was his manner of living and spending 
 while a boarder in Mrs. Easy's house ? 
 
 Lush. — He lived on the cream of everything in the 
 house, and had a wonderfully free way of spending other 
 pie's money. We boarders made a grand concerted 
 protest at his impudence; but Mrs. Easy seemed to like 
 him, and allowed him to have his own way. Why, he'd 
 thump on his piano until two or three in the morning. 
 
 SINGLE. — Never mind that. What I want to know is, if 
 he ever had any money of his own ? 
 
 Lush. — Yes, but we never saw its color. He spent it all 
 in the society of dudes and men-about-town. 
 
 Single. — How did he get this money? 
 
 Lush. — Well, he got fifty out of me, and he stuck Pro- 
 or Cranium for a hundred, and I guess he must have 
 
THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 1 19 
 
 struck some rich shallowpate lately, the high way he's been 
 goin' on. 
 
 Single. — He has money, has he ? Well, that is what 
 we want to know. How he came by it is another matter. 
 I am through with you. 
 
 Double (rising). — A few words, if you please. Did you 
 not tell the defendant that he need not be in a hurry to 
 pay you the money he borrowed of you ? 
 
 Lush. — Oh ! of course. We all say that. 
 
 Double. — Well, he hasn't been in a hurry. They all do 
 
 that. You may be seated. 
 
 (LUSH takes seat.) 
 
 Single. — Mr. Cranium, to the stand. 
 
 (Cranium takes the stand.) 
 
 Single. — In what capacity do you appear, Mr. Cranium, 
 as a witness ? 
 
 Cranium. — I am an examiner of skulls, bumps, protuber- 
 ances, and excrescences on the human pate. 
 
 Single. — Have you ever examined the defendant's head ? 
 
 Cranium.— I have. 
 
 Single. — What phrenological indications did you ob- 
 serve thereon ? 
 
 Cranium. — I found a large bump of impecuniosity be- 
 hind the flab of his left aural appendage. I also found the 
 skinosity apparent by a large fleshy protuberance under the 
 chin. 
 
 Single. — What do you mean by aural appendages ? 
 
 Cranium. — I mean the flabs on the side of a jackass's 
 head. 
 
 Single. — Jackass ! I am not talking of jackasses, I'm 
 talking of men. 
 
 Cranium. — Well, what's the difference ? 
 
 Single. — Not much ! but what did strike you as remark- 
 able irrdefendant's skull ? 
 
 Cranium.— Nothing. 
 
I20 THE rRIAL Of SIR AUGUSTUS SWIND 
 
 d he have a bump of philoprogenitive!* 
 
 Cram i.m. — In a small d 
 
 — 1 low about his bump of impecuniosity? 
 Very larj 
 
 ience. I be- 
 llow about his bump of skinosityf 
 LNIUM. — Well, I thought it enormous. 
 
 — Now, what do you really mean by skinosity ? 
 CRANIUM* — That, sir, is a term invented by myself to 
 indicate the propensity in human nature to exist upon the 
 labor of others. 
 
 SINGLE. — Do you mean that the defendant is a skin? 
 
 INIUM. — No, not that exactly — only an English Baron. 
 Single. — Same thing, I fancy, in this instance. That 
 will do so far as I am concerned, Mr. Cranium. 
 
 hle {rising}* — In examining defendant's head, did 
 you not observe the bump of benevolence ? 
 
 Cranium. — Where the bump of benevolence should have 
 been, there was a hollow. 
 
 Double. — How large a hollow? 
 
 Cranium.— You couldn't drive a team into it, but you 
 could put your finger there and feel the cavity. 
 
 DOUBLE. — Very good. Now, what was your general im- 
 pression of the man's character from the aggregate indica- 
 tions you observed ? 
 Cranium.— Very bad. 
 
 Double. — You are a scientific man, are you not? 
 Ch -I am that, exactly that. 
 
 .—Then the scientific name for what we unen- 
 tople call the Adam's-apple, is technically called 
 bump of ' y ? 
 
 — Have you ever known a man with an Adam's- 
 who was not a skin ? 
 
THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. I2T 
 
 Double. — Then how do you account for the Adam's- 
 apple conspicuous in the throats of our leading divines ? 
 
 Cranium (be wilder -ed). — Well ! Well ! I really can't tell 
 about divines. They are a unique class. 
 
 Double. — Well, how about the Adam's-apple conspicu- 
 ous in the throats of so many of our leading lawyers ? 
 
 Cranium. — Well ! I can't answer for lawyers. They are 
 a remarkable set of men. 
 
 Double. — How about the Adam's-apple conspicuous in 
 the throats of our most eminent philanthropists, states- 
 men, senators, and undertakers ? 
 
 Cranium. — I give in. You need not proceed. Your 
 point is gained. Hereafter I shall make the Adam's-apple 
 my peculiar study. 
 
 Judge. — You may be seated, sir. Your learned expert 
 testimony will gain you credit with all readers of the Morn- 
 ing Journal, where you may be sure it will appear in full. 
 (Continuing-.} Our time is precious, gentlemen. Have you 
 any other witnesses to bring forward, Mr. Single? 
 
 Single. — None, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — Lawyer Double, you may proceed with the de- 
 fence. 
 
 Double. — I have already in my cross-examinations of 
 my learned brother's witnesses, accomplished most of my 
 work. I shall simply let you hear Sir Augustus recite his 
 own tale. Step forward, my lord ! (Sir Augustus takes 
 the stand.} Proceed, my lord ! 
 
 Sir Augustus.— My first recollection of the plaintiff 
 was about four months ago, when I met her in her own 
 parlor in answer to an advertisement she had put in the 
 Herald. She appeared a very nice person, you know, and 
 really I carn't find it in my heart to treat met persons coldly, 
 you know. So it naturally resulted that a sort of mutual 
 liking sprang up between us. Of course, you know, we 
 .: not on what one might call familiar terms, but we 
 
i:j IllK 1K1A1 Of SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDi 
 
 rather liked one another. You see she reminded me re- 
 
 I mamma, and that was enough to open 
 
 She became interested arfter 
 
 1 had been with her a week, and begged me not to mention 
 the subject of "board" to her, until I received my remit- 
 tances from abroad. Of course arfter such an exhibition 
 of kind and sympathetic feeling, I could not find it in my 
 heart, you know, to open the subject, therefore I remained 
 in her house as a guest, until I could find more suitable 
 quarters. That is the whole story. 
 
 Single {rising). — Have you ever received those remit- 
 tances from abroad ? 
 
 Sir Augustus. — No! Not yet, although they must 
 surely be on their way here by this time. 
 
 Single — How long have they been in coming? 
 
 Sir Augustus. — There have been dilficulties in the way, 
 you know. I never expected them to come quickly. 
 
 Single.— What difficulties? 
 
 Sir Augustus. — Why, for instance, there was Sir Clin- 
 ton Sharper ; he was at Monte Carlo when my letter ar- 
 rived at his country-seat, and the delay was rather unlooked 
 for, you know, at least on my part, and there was — 
 
 Single. — Never mind who the parties were. Is the 
 money coming now ? 
 
 Sir Augustus. — Yes ! Why, — Yes, yes, undoubtedly / 
 
 SINGLE. — Then will you give me an order on the amount 
 upon its arrival? 
 
 Sir Augustus. — Certainly. I can give you an "order" 
 i anything and for any amount, you know. 
 
 Judge. — Will an order for the money satisfy your client, 
 Mr. Single ? 
 
 ,le.— I guess it's about the best we can do. If it is 
 not paid, we can at least execute a judgment. 
 
 Oh, certainly! you can file all the judg- 
 ments you wish, my good fellow. 
 
THE TRIAL OF SIR AUGUSTUS SWINDLE. 
 
 123 
 
 Judge. — Then let the defendant execute the order at 
 once. 
 
 Sir Augustus. — Certainly. {Takes up pen and writes 
 cyder.) There, now, that must certainly satisfy all claims. 
 
 Single. — I hope so. 
 
 Judge. — The case is off, gentlemen. You may depart. 
 
 [Lawyers, etc., exit. 
 
THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLV. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 ]vv I nd fearless old frontiersman {slouch hat and 
 
 fir). 
 MUSTANG Jim, <? worthless scamp {red nose and husky 
 
 5. CROLY, widow of the late Ben Croly, proprietress of 
 " Croly s Rest." 
 
 DIAMOND PETE, youthful negro, with morbid fear of fire- 
 arms. 
 
 ROUNDUP Johnny, frontier rough and professional co: 
 
 Lawyer Shoot'em, tall and fierce, with sa \7. 
 
 LAWYER KnIFE'EM, slender, fiery, and active in moveme?it. 
 
 ( fudge seated behind the widow's bar ; lawyers at tables in 
 bar-room ; the widow and witnesses seated on boxes against 
 all.) 
 
 Judge. — Before this yere trial takes a move, I want you 
 boys ter step right yere and hand over yer shootin' pops. 
 There ain't gone ter be no row in this court, and don't you 
 t it. 
 
 ' the men step forward and deposit pistols on the bar.) 
 JUDGE (continuing). — What's that thar buckhorn-handle 
 
 in' out o' your hip-pocket signefy, Lawyer Knife'em? 
 Knipe'eii —It si nothin'l 
 
 J U I GE ( xirik with clenched hand). — Wal, you 
 
 luce that nothin' on this yere bar prutty quick. Do 
 yer understand ; 
 
THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 1 25 
 
 Knife'em. — Didn't know I had it stowed away back thar, 
 Jedge. Shool me if it ain't true. 
 
 ( Walks forward and lays bowie-knife on bar.) 
 
 Judge. — An* you, Diamond Pete; what yer got in yer 
 coat-pocket ? 
 
 Pete. — Nuthin'! 
 
 Judge — Look a yere, boys ! If yer try any games here 
 yer'll all git left. I mean bisness. Come here, yer black 
 raskill, and lay that thar razor on the bar. 
 
 Pete. — Fo' de Lord's sake, Jedge, doan think I mean 
 ter do work wid it in yere. I fo'got to shave mesself dis 
 morn in', and brought it down yere for de pu'pose ob clean- 
 in' my face. 
 
 Judge. — I ain't a kid, Pete, to believe sich a yarn. If 
 yer forgot ter shave yourself, how did yer happen ter reck- 
 oliect puttin' the razor in yer pocket? Come, hand it 
 over prutty lively, or there'll be a row. (Pete steps forward 
 and hands out razor) Now, boys, yer may go on with the 
 bisness as brought us yere. 
 
 Shoot'em. — It ain't very frequent as a woman comes to 
 these parts, and when a community is fort'nate enough to 
 have one livin* right amongst 'em, I say it's a shame ter ill- 
 treat her. Now, here's Ben Croly's widder, a decent, nice 
 woman as ever lived, a sort o' blessin' as it were to our 
 camp. It aggrawates me beyond speakin' to think how 
 she's bin treated. Why, Jedge, this feller, Mustang Jim, has 
 bin a courtin' her, as we all knows, ever since Ben handed 
 in his chips. Now, what do yer think of a feller as would 
 go back on a woman ? What would yer think of a feller 
 as would hang a woman up for drinks as had no nat'ral 
 protector? What would yer think of a feller as would tell 
 this lonely female as ter how he'd make it all right when 
 they was man and wife ? Yer'd think nothin' of him, 
 wouldn't yer? Yer kin bet yer would, and so would I. 
 Wal, that's just what Mustang Jim has gone and done. 
 
!HK WIDOW CROLY. 
 
 Jim . — That's false. Lawyer Shoot 'em. and yer 
 
 knows it well. 
 
 for pistol in his belt). — Look yere, Jedge ; 
 hand me over my pop, will yer? 
 
 J in xdishing two revolvers)* — If thar's goin' ter be 
 
 any shootin' yere, I want yer all ter understand that I've 
 
 got the drop on the whole parcel of yer. (To MUSTANG 
 
 Jim ) Jim. you keep yer mouth shut till it becomes yer to 
 
 v. Now go ahead, Lawyer Shoot'cm. 
 
 Shoot'em. — It's dead agin the law ter interrupt, ain't that 
 so, Jedge ? 
 
 Judge.— What do you know about the law? Leave all 
 sich pints ter me. I'll settle 'em. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Very well, Jedge. As I wus a sayin', now 
 that Mustang Jim's gone and done this thing, the widder 
 feels kind o' bad over it, and has come here fur her rights. 
 In the fust place she's in love with Jim, and is bound ter 
 make him marry her. 
 
 Jim.— Not if I knows it. 
 
 Judge {severely). — Shut up, Jim; do yer hear? 
 
 Shoot'em. — In ther second place, she wants Jim ter make 
 good what he's hung up on her slate. Now I've made my 
 statement. I look ter you, Jedge, ter compel Jim ter dis- 
 gorge the sum of ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine 
 cents fur the rum he drunk, and ter marry the widder right 
 
 re in this court, or ter disgorge damages ter the amount 
 of five hundred dollars. {Sits down.) 
 
 Judge. — Wal, where's yer witnesses ter these yere 
 
 II.—] don't need no witnesses. Ain't the rase 
 
 clear enough ? 
 
 Judge. — Yes, but yer ain't proved nothin'. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Ain't proved nothin' ? I thought I was solid 
 
 you, Jedge. I didn't know as you wus goin' ter make 
 
 me prove anything ter win my case. Why, Lor' bless yer, 
 
THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 127 
 
 down East, whar I cum from when a youngster, I've seen 
 many a case won whar nuthin' at all was proved agin the 
 criminal. 
 
 Judge. — I don't care what you seen down Yeast. I want 
 proofs fur these yere statements wot you've made, or I'll 
 fine you fur triflin' with the feelin's of this yere party of the 
 second part. And before goin' further, I want this court 
 ter know that in legal langwich the party of ther fust part 
 is the female always, and the male is ther party of the 
 second part. This, boys, is a perlite way of puttin' the 
 woman alius fust. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Then ther widder is ter be called the party 
 of the fust part ? 
 
 Judge. — That's right ; and Jim over thar is the party of 
 the second part. 
 
 Knife'em {podding significantly). — That's good law, 
 boys. Good, sound United States of Ameriky statue-book 
 law. 
 
 {All present look at one another approvingly^ 
 
 Shoot'em. — Wal, Jedge, I ain't exactly prepared with 
 witnesses. But I guess Diamond Pete kin tell us a lettle 
 about ther truth of my statements. Come yere, Pete. 
 (P ET E com es forward and places elbow on the bar.) Didn't 
 yer know all along as ter how ther party of ther second 
 part was putty sweet on the party of the fust part ? 
 
 Pete. — Guess it's worth a drink, boss, ter tell all dis aisr- 
 ger knows. 
 
 Judge.— Wal said, Pete ! Perhaps ther widder's got some 
 good corn whiskey back o' this yere bar. Whar's yere 
 whiskey, Mrs. Croly? 
 
 Mrs. Croly.— Shure ye'll foind ther whuskey in ther 
 brown kag, behint yer back. 
 
 Judge {smiling grimly).— -Wal, boys, I'll adjurn court 
 until we have a drink. What do yer say ? 
 
 All in chorus.— Right you are. 
 
TH1 i in- winow CR01 v. 
 
 hat and filling them one by one). 
 forr&rd and drink like men. 
 Jim g*lp)* — l 7 i^ cm ll P a .^ in ' Jcdge. 
 
 I'm terrible dry. 
 
 MRS. CROLY. — Nary a dhrop mour shall ycr have. Whin- 
 ever jrer cum near a smeli O 1 free whnskey yere clean gone 
 /.v, shure yet are. Gintlemin, ycr all welcome to treat 
 •Its, but don't let that blaggard taste a dhrop mour. 
 GE. — Take yer seat, Jim. Boys, here goes fur an- 
 other round. {Fills glasses, which arc emptied by others.) 
 
 JUDGE (raffling an bar with butt of pistol). — Order, boys. 
 The trial will now proceed. 
 
 SHOOT'EM. — Wal, Pete, now you've had yer drink, an- 
 swer my question. Wasn't Jim, over thar. sweet on the 
 good widder as has jest treated you ter whiskey? 
 Pete. — Kinder 'spect he wus, bo 
 
 Shoot'em. — Warn't you ther widder's help for some 
 time past ? 
 
 ::. — Yes, I kept de bar when she washed de close, 
 end I bounced de unruly cowboys when dcy gun ter 
 fight. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Have you ever hung up ther drinks fur 
 -Lang Jim ? 
 
 I . — Matty's de drink I'se hung up fo' him. Ob corse, 
 I nebbcr'd a done it ef de widder hadn't telled me fo'terdo 
 so. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Why did she give you that command? 
 Pi. i E. — 'Cause ef yer didn't gib Jim his drink he'd agoan 
 outside end a shot holes trou de doah. 
 
 I ;M. — I'd like ter had 'em try it on with me. I'd a 
 
 made ther sun shine through his carcase putty quick. 
 
 ;1 me ef yer ever heard him ask ther widder ter be 
 
 Ycr'd better not answer that question if 
 yer black skin, P< 
 
THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 1 29 
 
 Pete.— Fo' de Lord sake, Misser Shoot 'em, doan ask me 
 ter answer dat. Jim '11 kill me, shuar's you born, ef I do. 
 
 Judge [contemptuously) . — You ain't skeered o' Mustang 
 Jim ? All yer got ter do is ter git ther drop on him, if he 
 cums any funny bis'ness. 
 
 Pete. — Yes, Jedge, shuar's you born, I'm a dead nigger 
 ef I gives Jim away. He's a terrible bad cowboy, Jedge. 
 Yer doan't know 'im. 
 
 Judge {pointing revolver at Pete). — I'm goin' ter find 
 out about this bis'ness. Now, answer that question afore 
 I count three. One — two — 
 
 Pete. — Doan shoot! I'll answer. Put away de gun! 
 Doan shoot ! 
 
 Judge. — Hurry, afore I count three. 
 
 Pete — Yes, he did ask de widder ter marry him, end 
 he'd run de place hisself, he sed. 
 
 Jim. — Recollect, Jedge, I'll git squar wid you fur that 
 work. 
 
 Judge. — Shut up, Jim, or I'll fire you out. 
 
 Jim. — I'll keep mum, now, but look out fur me when we 
 meet agin. 
 
 Judge [contemptuously). — I ain't skeered o' you, Jim. 
 
 Shoot'em.— Take yer seat, Pete. 
 
 (Pete walks back, keeping away from Jim, and eying him 
 fearfully^ 
 
 Shoot'em. — Now, widder, you can tell us all about yer 
 courtin'. 
 
 Mrs. Croly.— Faith I will, then. Yez all knew Bin 
 Croly, shure a bether man niver lived. 
 
 Judgf.— Yer right, widder ; Ben was a fine lad. 
 
 Mrs. Croly.— God bless yer fur that, Jedge. Whin he 
 dyed I phas loanly a bit, an' tuk ter dhrink a bit mour nor 
 phas good. Jim, over there, phas an' ould frind of Bin's, 
 an' he cum ivery day ter dhrink of me foine whuskey. He 
 had noa money, niver a cint, but he phas so koind o' 
 
 9 
 
1^0 IMF WIDOW 
 
 tongue I cu i diy, ' " So," says I, "yer may 
 
 liar dhriaks here until ike a job." Thin 
 
 pt howlin' drunk all the phile. 
 SHOOT'EM. Now, let us I mt his sparkin' of yer. 
 
 iio, " \\r not safe 
 
 tcr run this place, an' Pete is noa good ter yer. We'd 
 
 i.ie into partners." " Phat do you mane? " says I. 
 
 " Shure ter marry you wid yer consint, me beauty," says 
 
 he. u Ef yer'll promise ter quit dhrinkin', I'll consint," 
 
 Pete can tell yer that niver a word of a loi I'm 
 
 tellin' yez. 
 
 Judge. — Is that true, Pete? 
 
 E. — Dat's all de truf, boss, shuar's you born. 
 JOHNNY. — Say, Jedge, ain't it about time ter set them 
 drinks up agin ? 
 
 JUDGE. -Well said, Johnny. Boys, I'll adjourn this trial 
 ontil we have a couple o' rounds o' ther good widder's 
 whiskey. 
 
 Mrs. Croly. — Yez are wilcome, all, ban-in' Jim. 
 Jim. — Yer needn't be so down on me, widder ; what hev I ' 
 done ter you ? 
 
 Mrs. Croly. — Phat have yez done ter me? Shure ye'll 
 foind that out befour yer lave me house this day. 
 
 Judge (filling glasses). — Come! Come! Drink up. I've 
 got ter drive over ter Tomahawk Gulch this arternoon, 
 and I want ter have this bisness of! my hands afore start- 
 in' out. {All drink excepting Jim.) Now you may finish 
 th? case. 
 
 Shoot'em. — I reckin I've proved my statements, now, 
 
 e, hevn't I ? 
 JUDGE. — Wait till yer hear what ther party o' ther sec- 
 ond part has ter say. 
 
 l.— That's me and my pard Jim. This is out- 
 rageous, Jedge, ter tell such tales about my pard Jim. 
 
 lumping up in the air). — Whose tellin' tales ? 
 
THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 131 
 
 Kxife'em {waving his hand). — Sit down, or I'll make yer. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Yer a raskill, Lawyer Knife'em I 
 
 Kxife'em (coolly). — Jest hand me over that thar buck- 
 horn dirk, Jedge, if yer please. 
 
 JUDGE {pointing revolvers at both lawyers' heads). — I 
 reckin as how ye'll both behave yerselfs afore me. Order ! 
 
 Pete. — Fo' de Lord sake, Jedge, put up de guns. Dis 
 nigger's powerful skeered. Guess he'll tak' der fust freight 
 train back to de Yeast. 
 
 Johnny {stepping forward). — I'm wid yer, Jedge. If 
 these yere fellars want a muss, why, let's form a ring an' 
 hav' it out 'cordin' to prize-ring rules. 
 
 Judge. — Sit down, Johnny. I'll take care of 'em. 
 (Johnny sits down.) Now you fellars quit this funny bisness 
 right yere. Lawyer Knife'em, continue with yer speech. 
 
 Knife'em. — Wal, what I hevter say ain't much. I took 
 this case out o' old friendly feelin's wid the party of ther 
 second part, acose I knows he ain't got the stuff ter p:;y 
 me fur what I does. My defence is, in the fust place, my 
 pard is dead broke, and cuden't malvC good no how. In 
 the second place, he has a wife livin' somewhar in the 
 Yeast, and he cuden't marry ther widder ef he wanted ter. 
 {Turning to Mustang.) Ain't it the truth I'm tellin', Jim ? 
 
 Jim. — Strike me dead ef it ain't der truth. Jedge. 
 
 Mrs. Croly. — Arrali! the Mormon ! Wud he decave a 
 dacint woman loike that ? Sind him up fur tin years, your 
 Honor. 
 
 Judge. — Mustang Jim, stand up and giv it to us straight. 
 Hev you a woman belongin' ter you livin' away from these 
 parts ? 
 
 Jim. — Unfort'nately I hev, Jedge. 
 
 Judge. — I've a good mind to send you up, Jim. Don't 
 yer know it's dead agin the law of these United States ter 
 marry two women ? 
 
 Kxife'em.— Thar's whar yer wrong, Jedge. 
 
THE CA ink WIDOW CROl If. 
 
 Jul m undertake terlarn mc law? 
 
 K\ , e I'm right. 
 
 J i i ). — Let's hear yer do it, then. 
 
 Kmii'im. — Wal, we ain't so very far away from Utar, 
 if the Mormons hev as many wives as they cares ter, 
 Now I'd like ter know ef Utar ain't in this yere United 
 States o' Ameriky ? 
 
 JUDGE {thoughtfully). — 1 reckin it is. 
 
 KNIFE' EM. — Thar's whar I've got yer. Seein' as it ain't 
 agin ther law o' these United States o' Ameriky ter marry 
 all ther wifes wot yer please, my pard, ther party o' ther 
 second part, in legal langwich, is innocent o' crime in try- 
 in' ter marry ther widder. 
 
 JUDGE. — As I hain't got my statue-book with me, I'll 
 leave that question out of this yere case. 
 
 Kxife'em. — S'posin' yer leave t'other question out also, 
 Jedu 
 
 Siioot'em {rising). — Look a yere, Jedge. You made me 
 prove every word I spoke. Ain't yer goin' ter make 
 Knife 'em do likewise ? How do yer know it ain't a put-up 
 job atween him an1 his pard ter 'scape the law what's 
 hangin' over his head ? How do yer know as he's got a 
 woman wat belongs ter him in the Yeast? How do yer 
 know as he's dead-broke ? 
 
 JUDGE. — Who's a runnin' this yere court? I'll find out 
 all about this bisness, ef yer leave me alone. Knife'em, 
 whar's the proof ter these yere statements o' yourn ? 
 
 KNIFE'EM. — Roundup Johnny knows the truth. Give 
 the whole bisness, Johnny. 
 
 JOHNNY. — Perraps youz fellars tink I don't knownothin' 
 at all consarning this blackmailin' dodge. Shoot'em is too 
 b tor be in the law trade. He's give ther hull thing 
 awa askin' fur boodle fur? Ninety nine case 
 
 notes and ninety-nine cents fur der rum, and five hundred 
 cold case.s fur — 
 
THE CASE OF THE WIDOW CROLY. 133 
 
 Judge. — Come off, Johnny ! We ain't asked you ter ar~ 
 gue. Tell us whether Knife'em and his pard are givin' us 
 a wild steer or not, that's what we went yer ter tell us. 
 
 Johnny. — They've telled the truth fur once. They'd a 
 lied ter yer ef it had bin possible. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Has Jim got a woman belongin' ter him 
 out Yeast ? 
 
 Johnny. — I see him married myself, wid these yere eyes 
 of mine. 
 
 Shoot'em. — I want him ter swar ter that, Jedge. 
 
 Johnny (to Shoot'em). — Ah, what's der matter wid yer? 
 I'll swar ter nothin'. 
 
 Judge. — Johnny, my boy, whar did ther party o' the 
 second part git married ? 
 
 Johnny. — Him and me wus off on a time out in Omaha, 
 and he wus married afore he knowed it. Next day we 
 both jumped der town and skipped out yere whar we've 
 bin ever since. 
 
 Judge. — That's straight enough. Sit down, Johnny. 
 Hev yer got anything more ter say, boys, 'cause I'll hev ter 
 jump yer in a short time ? 
 
 Shoot'em. — V^es, I've got a question ter ask Knife'em. 
 (To Knife'em.) Yer said, my prutty boy, as how Mustang 
 Jim cuden't marry the widder ef he wanted ter on account 
 o' a v\ ife as he had in the Yeast ? 
 
 Knife'em. — Them wus my wurds. 
 
 Shoot'em. — Wal, ef it ain't agin the law of these United 
 States fur a man ter have two or three wives ef he wants 
 ter, which you said, my prutty boy, why can't Jim marry 
 ther widder now right yere ? The Jedge kin join them. 
 
 Knife'em (in a rage). — So you've bin a lyin' low all this 
 time fur me, have yer ? 
 
 Shoot'em (savagely). — Yes, you raskill, I've been alayin* 
 low fur ter ketch you in some trick or 'nother. 
 
 Knife'em. — Jedge, give me that dirk. 
 
[j j. n: OF rnK widow CROJL.Y, 
 
 rive me that shootin'-iron. 
 
 grily tO/W other, but are 
 
 IN NY.) 
 
 JOHNNY.— Now, look a yere, boys. It's a shame cf you 
 two Cellars are a lookin' fur li^ht that yer can't git all yer 
 want. 
 
 JUDGE {faulting aver the bar and grabbing each lawyer 
 
 i. — Now, as you've both o' yer bin a huntin' blood, 
 
 I'll give yer a chance ter be satisfied. Come out here on 
 
 ther prairie, and fight it out with fists. The fellar as licks 
 
 the other, wins the case. Ain't that squar, boys? 
 
 Johnny. — That's ther squarest opinion as ever I heard a 
 jedge give. 
 
 Judge {flourishing two pistols). — I'll see as both of yer 
 have fair play. 
 
 [Exit nines. 
 
THE CASE OF THE PEOPLE versus 
 THOMAS CAT. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 Judge Blunder. 
 Lawyer Greatnerye. 
 Lawyer Ginslinger. 
 Thomas Cat, long side-whiskers. Face to resemble a Cat's 
 
 as nearly as possible. 
 Dame Tabitha Cat, Mother of Thomas. 
 Herr NlCKELSCOOPER, Complainant. 
 Miss Pussy Cat, Fiance of Thomas Cat. 
 BRIDGET, Servant-Girl to Nickc\scooper. 
 
 Constable, Court Attendants, Jurymen, etc. 
 
 (Judge Blunder, seated at desk. Lawyers e7iter, with 
 witnesses and prisoner) 
 
 Judge. — Good-morning, gentlemen. I hope there is no 
 cause for again postponing this case ? 
 
 Lawyer Greatnerye. — I would like another postpone- 
 ment, your Honor. 
 
 Judge. — Upon what grounds, pray, Mr. Greatnerve ? 
 
 Greatnerye.— My client, Mr. Thomas Cat, is loath to 
 allow so fine a morning for hunting to escape him. The 
 day, you observe, is bright and balmy, and the robins are 
 leaping about in the meadows, like pop-corn on a frying- 
 pan. 
 
 (135) 
 
Ij6 rm PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT, 
 
 Judge I refuse your request, Your client has already 
 [vantage of the bail I so leniently allowed him. 
 
 with the C 
 
 til \ — I am feeling very rocky this mom- 
 
 . your Honor, and the case of the People may be seri- 
 ously injured if you will not allow me a day to recuperate. 
 
 JUDGE. — You have no business to feel rocky, sir. Pro- 
 ceed with the case. 
 
 (iixsLiNGER. — Be it so, your Honor. I request but one 
 moment's delay, while I arrange my documents. (Goes to 
 '.-, hints his back to the court, funibles over some papers, 
 and takes a long pull at a pocket-flask.) 
 
 Gixslinger. — In opening this case, I have little to say. 
 My course is invariably to drive the nail on the head, and 
 thereby to fasten the crime firmly to the guilty party. I 
 shall not in this case depart from my old method. The 
 criminal arraigned at this bar is none other than that law- 
 less ruffian, Thomas Cat, who has been a terror to his 
 neighbors ever since he first cut loose from the leading- 
 strings of his worthy mother, Dame Tabitha Cat. 
 
 He has made night, that quiet season when the good 
 should be peacefully slumbering, hideous by his wild orgies. 
 He has broken the just man's sleep, he has deprived the 
 sick of their needed rest, and has called forth curses from 
 lips that before have only moved in prayer. And yet, for 
 all his wildness and sin, he has never before appeared in a 
 court of justice. But at last we can fix upon him an action- 
 able crime. 
 
 It appears that on the evening of June 9th, HerrNickel- 
 (God bless the man) discovered this dissolute 
 ie making off across country with one of his favorite 
 chickens. This worthy man, the very impersonation of 
 Teutonic benevolence, was, at the time mentioned, stand- 
 ing near the window, gazing placidly upon the proud, 
 feathered beauties strutting about his back-yard, when lo! 
 
THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 1 37 
 
 the cunning rogue, unconscious of espionage, darted upon 
 the glory of the flock, and before the astounded Nickel- 
 scooper could gird up his loins for pursuit, had disappeared 
 from view. It is for this crime that Thomas Cat is ar- 
 raigned at this bar. The case is a simple one. No ingeni- 
 ous scheme of circumstantial evidence, but a theft com- 
 mitted under the very eyes and nose of the aggrieved 
 party. Mr. Nickelscooper will now tell you in his own 
 language the story of this outrageous theft. 
 
 (Nickelscooper takes the standi) 
 
 Ginslinger. — You reside in this town, do you not ? 
 
 Nickelscooper.— Yah ! 
 
 Ginslinger. — What is your business ? 
 
 Nickelscooper. — I hev two or tree bisness. 
 
 Ginslinger. — State their nature. 
 
 Nickelscooper. — I sells cheekens, und eggs, und lager. 
 
 Ginslinger. — Now please tell your story of the theft 
 committed upon your premises. 
 
 Nickelscooper. — It vas aboud two py der clock, und I 
 vas feelin' prutty veil, und vas laughin' to myself as I 
 looked oud uf der vinder at my broperty in der pack-yard, 
 ven I heard a terrible screaming mit my cheekens. Ride 
 avay I saw dat defellish feller sneaking oud from behint a 
 pile uf beer-kegs, und pickin' out my most expensif rooster, 
 he napped him py der pack, und smiling like der deffel to 
 himself, he vaults ofer my pack-fence, und runs avay. Dat 
 I see mit mine own eyes. 
 
 (Ginslinger, meanwhile, has turned his back,a7td taken 
 another drink.) 
 
 Ginslinger. — That will do, Herr Nickelscooper. 
 
 Greatnerve. — That will not do, Mr. Ginslinger. I have 
 my questions to put. All this, you say, occurred under 
 your nose ? 
 
 Nickelscooper.— Yah ! Ride under dis nose, {Point- 
 ing to his nose.) 
 
rHl S i ROMAS CAT, 
 
 n, note what lie says. Could 
 
 il protuberance and 
 
 r nonsen 
 
 5COOPER. — Mind your own bisness und leaf dot 
 
 ne. Dot is my nose, und don't you forgot it. ( Tafi* 
 
 VERVE. — Now, having proved the aosurdity of 
 tatement, sir, I will ask you if you had not been 
 drinking on the day in question ? 
 
 NlCKELSCOOPER. — I never drinks behint der bar. 
 
 rERVE. — But you sometimes smoke a big segar? 
 Xickelscooper.— Yah ! yah! 
 
 GE. — Pshaw ! pshaw ! I will have no more nonsense 
 lis court. 
 
 is must be ?'ccited rapidly to accentuate the rhyming 
 words.) 
 
 GREATNERVE. — Are you sure it was Thomas Cat who 
 stole your chicken ? 
 
 icelscooper.— I'll pet you it % vas. 
 Greatnerve. — Then you are personally acquainted with 
 the defendant ? 
 
 vELSCOOPER. — Yah ! He come foolin' around my 
 place, und sleepin' by my stofe all day. He nefer spend a 
 nickel ofer my bar, but ven night come he leaf my blace und 
 go off on a pig drunk. I kicked him oud two or tree times, 
 but he come pack und sleep py my stofe all der next day. 
 Greatnerve. — Never mind what his daily habits were. 
 You have answered that you recognized him, and that is 
 sufficient. Now answer me this : Describe the clothes the 
 >ner wore upon the day of the theft. 
 
 —Dot feller nefer have but one pair of 
 
 -Describe them. 
 — Ilcalvays voreadingy vite shist-front, 
 mid a prownish-plack coat und precches. 
 
THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 139 
 
 Greatnerve. — Very good. I will show you, gentlemen, 
 in good time, that the accused had on a brand-new suit of 
 clothes, far different from the one described by Herr Nick- 
 elscooper on the day in question. I am confident of prov- 
 ing an alibi. You may be seated. 
 
 (XlCKELSCOOPER takes his seat.) 
 
 Ginslinger (rising). — I will now call Mis. Bridget Mul- 
 cahey to the stand. Come forward, please, my good woman. 
 
 (Bridget takes the stand) 
 
 Gixslinger. — Now, my good Hibernian matron, answer 
 my questions as I put them. Do you understand ? As I 
 put them. 
 
 Greatnerve. — I object to this method of procedure. 
 The prosecuting attorney has no right to advise the wit- 
 ness. 
 
 Judge. — True for once, friend Greatnerve. You have 
 
 the law on your side for once. Your objection is good, and 
 
 shall be made a precedent of. Friend Ginslinger, I warn 
 
 you to keep within the limits of straightforward questions. 
 
 (Ginslinger begins to Link spasmodically?) 
 
 Greatnerve {excitedly). — Your Honor, he- is winking at 
 the witness. 
 
 Judge. — What do you mean, Mr. Ginslinger ? I will 
 allow no one to give signals to witnesses in this court. 
 
 Ginslinger. — T protest, your Honor. I was doing no 
 such thing. I have an eyelash in my eye. 
 
 Judge. — Then let it be removed. 
 
 Ginslinger. — I ask but a moment's delay. (Goes to table, 
 turns baek to court, and after taking another drink, returns 
 blinking.) There ! At last I have removed it. 
 
 Judge. — Then proceed with your questions, sir. 
 
 Ginslinger (to witness). — Where do you reside ? 
 
 Bridget.— Next dour to the gin-mill. 
 
 Ginslinger {smiling blandly). — A very happy situation 
 for a residence. What is your occupation ? 
 
140 lin: PEOPl B \ ERSUS rUOMAS CAt 
 
 Bridget.— Share, I earn a dacent Hvln' washin' fur sich 
 I min as your 
 
 l. — ■ Excellent Arc you acquainted with Mr. 
 
 ; . — Pity that I am, thcr blaggard 
 
 GlNSLINGER. — Now, tell us what you saw upon the after- 
 noon of June 9th. 
 
 BRIDGET. — Begorra, I saw Misther Cat stalin' wan of 
 Nackalscouper's hins. 
 
 GlNSLINGER.— Tell us about it. 
 
 Bridget. — I was in ther yard, er hangin'up a bashket o' 
 cloathes, wen phat should I hear but Nabur Nackalscouper's 
 hins a cryin' and a scramin' as if the auld Nick was in thim 
 all. " St. Pathrick," says I, " phat ails the craturs ? " Pris- 
 ently that young blaggard, sittin' there (pointing to Thomas 
 Cat) cum lapein' oure the fince, wid a foine young rooster 
 he had stole. " Perlice ! Perlice ! " I scramed at the top 
 o' me lungs. But niver a copper wus ther widin a moile. 
 Jest thin me boy — 
 
 Ginslixger. — Never mind about your boy. You have 
 answered all I wish to ask. 
 
 Greatnerve (rising). — The witness then is mine. Well, 
 my honest woman, what kind of clothes did the accused 
 wear upon the day in question ? 
 
 Bridget.— Shure, I'll tell no loie. 
 
 Judge (severely).— You had better not, ma'am. 
 
 Bridget. — It ain't fur the loikes of sich as yez that I 
 fear, but the Praste. 
 
 Judge. — Come, madam, none of your insolence. 
 
 Greatnerve. — Your Honor, leave the witness to me. I 
 will 'tend to her case. (To witness.) Can you, or can you 
 not, answer my question ? 
 
 BRIDGET. — Avcoorse I can. 
 
 Judge (angrily). — Then why don't you? 
 
THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 141 
 
 Greatnerve. — Leave her to me, your Honor. Will you 
 answer my question, madam? 
 
 Bridget. — Lave me alone, the hull lot er yez. Phat do 
 yertaake me fur? I'm a dacent woman, and erns me own 
 brid. 
 
 Judge {in tones of thunder). — Answer the question. 
 
 Bridget {in a frightened manner). — He was drissed in 
 the only suit I iver saw him wear. A dirty, auld black 
 coat and breeches. 
 
 Greatnerve. — Very good. Have you any ill feeling 
 toward the accused ? 
 
 Bridget. — I hate the soight o' him. Shure, he niver 
 does an honest day's work, but stales all his males. If yer'd 
 hear him a cussin' and a howlin' around the naburhood o' 
 nights, yer'd think the divil himself was let loose. 
 
 Greatnerve. — That is all I have to ask you. You may 
 take your seat. 
 
 Ginslinger {rising). — I have little to say in closing my 
 case. The witnesses I have summoned (despite the dis- 
 graceful browbeating they have been subjected to at the 
 hands of my opponent, Mr. Greatnerve), have each told a 
 plain, unvarnished tale. The correspondence in their tes- 
 timony must carry conviction to all hearts. Gentlemen, 
 if we are to submit to be annoyed by a midnight reveller, 
 a notoriously impecunious loafer, a pilferer of our poultry, 
 then — then — I say, we must acknowledge to a woful state 
 of moral depravity. But no ! my dear brethren {hys- 
 terically). We are high-minded, and hate iniquity. The 
 spoiler must be laid low. The strong arm of Truth must 
 prevail. The — the — the (hie) law, the beauteful law, must 
 (hie) do her deuty. (Falls exhausted into his seat.) 
 
 Greatnerve {rising majestically).— -I shall give you no 
 such exhibition of vociferous eloquence as ;he pitiable at- 
 torney for the prosecution has just given you, I shall sim- 
 ply call my witnesses and show you through them how 
 
142 Til AT. 
 
 wholly unfounded is the accusation of theft made against 
 my suffering client Mr, Thomas Cat, will you please take 
 .and. 
 
 (Thomas CAT struts to witness-box defiantly.) 
 \ ] xi-.kvi:. — Now, tell us where you were on the 
 afternoon of June 9th. 
 
 CAT. — I'd bin a huntin' all the mornin', and had cap- 
 tured a couple o' plump robins. So long about noon, I 
 happened ter think of a girl o' mine, as might like to 
 dandle a robin. No sooner thought than done ! Off I goes 
 to Pussy, and between us we picked the brace of robins 
 clean. Such rich food made her sick, and I stayed by her 
 side all the afternoon dosin' her wid catnip, to bring her to. 
 Long about dusk I departed, not forgettin' to make a date 
 wid her to meet me on Nickelscooper's shed, that same 
 evening at twelve. 
 
 Greatnerve. — What object had you in making this ap- 
 pointment? 
 
 CAT.— Ter practice a moonlight sonata wid her. 
 
 GREATNERVE. — That will do. If Mr. Ginslingcr will 
 arouse from his stupor, he might like to ask the witness a 
 question or two. 
 
 Ginslinger {starting from a dosing st 'at '.-). — Yes, I (hie) 
 have thought of that before. ( To witness.) What's yer name ? 
 
 Cat. — Thomas Cat, Esq. 
 
 Ginslinger {relapsing into stupor)* — That'll do fur you. 
 
 Judge. — Are you ill, Mr. Ginslinger? 
 
 GlNSLIN GER {arousing himself with great effort). — Yes, 
 ill, ver' — ver' — ill. 
 
 Judge. — You are disgra efully intoxicated, sir. 
 
 GER {bracing up). — Intoxshicated ? No, shir. 
 I'm all right. Misher Cat, what'sher occupation ? 
 
 Cat. — I'm a ratcatcher by profession. 
 
 Vhat made you steal Misher Nickcl(hic)- 
 shooper's roobhu"? 
 
THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 1 43 
 
 Cat. — I never stole no rooster. 
 
 GlNSLlNGER. — I shay yer did. 
 
 Judge. — Sit down, Mr. Ginslinger. You are not here to 
 affirm a man's guilt, but to prove it. You have disgraced 
 this court and I shall fine you for contempt. Mr. Cat, you 
 may take your seat. 
 
 (Thomas Cat sits down.) 
 
 Greatnerve. — Mrs. Tabitha Cat may take the stand. 
 (Dame Tabitha enters witness-box^ 
 
 Greatnerve. — You are the mother of the accused, I be- 
 lieve ? 
 
 Tabitha. — Marry, I am. 
 
 Greatnerve. — He has been a dutiful son ? 
 : Tabitha. — Aye. I can remember him now, when he 
 was but a frolicsome boy, a-chasing the butterflies in the 
 grass, and a-tumblin' about with his little brothers. Poor 
 little dears, they were all drowned but Tom. {Weeps.) 
 
 Greatnerve. — Very sad, gentlemen; very sad. {To 
 Tabitha.) But has not Tom been a solace to your old 
 age ? 
 
 Tabitha. — He's been a good boy, although he takes 
 after his father, and lo\;es the night better nor the day. 
 
 Greatnerve. — Never mind about that. You say ke has 
 been a good son, now state what you know of his wherGr- 
 abouts on the afternoon of June 9th. „ 
 
 Tabitha. — He was in the company of his sweetheart, 
 Pussy Cat, from all I can learn. 
 
 Greatnerve.— Mark you, gentlemen, he was in the re- 
 fining society of a young lady. Now, my good woman, an- 
 swer me this : Do you know Herr Nickelscooper? 
 
 Tabitha. — Very well indeed. I was in his employ 
 when Thomas and his brothers were born. 
 
 Greatnerve — What kind of a master was he ? 
 
 Tabitha.— A most ungrateful and cruel one. I am very 
 fond of milk, but he compelled me to eat Bologna sausage. 
 
THl S THOMAS CAT. 
 
 I should have died, faith, had I stayed with him on such a 
 diet 
 
 aim k\i;.— Did he entertain any animosity toward 
 you and your son ? 
 
 TABITHA. — After the birth of my infants he drove mc 
 from the house. For a while he allowed Thomas to amuse 
 him with his childish tricks, but when Thomas was of a 
 he drove him away, also. He hated us both. 
 
 Greatnerve. — Hard-hearted villain. 
 
 T a nn ha {weeping). — Well you may call him hard- 
 hearted, Mr. Greatnerve, when, after all his ill-treatment, 
 several of us planned a surprise-party for him, and had 
 gathered together beneath his windows, singing one of our 
 favorite serenades, how do you suppose he greeted us? 
 Why, the monster began hurling soda-water bottles, old 
 shoes, bootjacks, blacking-brushes, stove-lids, and other 
 articles at our heads, swearing all the while so dreadfully 
 that we had to scamper away as fast as possible to escape 
 bodily harm. 
 
 \txirve. — You observe how deep the hatred of 
 Herr Nickelscooper was toward the Cat family, gentlemen. 
 Therefore, it cannot surprise you that he should have 
 singled out the innocent Thomas as the victim of his 
 malice. But thanks to Fortune, we have the means of 
 proving an undoubtable alibi in this case. Miss Pussy Cat 
 will please step forward. Madam (to Tabitha), you may 
 be seated. 
 
 (Pussy Cat takes the stand.) 
 
 Greatnerve. — Now, Miss Pussy, you have it in your 
 ver to save your lover. All you have to do is to tell us 
 of his whereabouts on the afternoon of June 9th. 
 
 PUSSY {modestly).— About one o'clock he came to where 
 I was musing in the warm sunlight, and said, " Pussy, I 
 have a brace of plump robins here. Will you pick one with 
 me ? " I was overjoyed, as I am passionately fond of 
 
THE PEOPLE VERSUS THOMAS CAT. 1 45 
 
 game. So, after giving him an embrace, we fell to work on 
 the robins. 
 
 Greatnerve. — When did he leave you ? 
 
 Pussy. — Not until dusk. We remained together sitting 
 in the sun, nestled closely to one another, as lovers will, 
 you know, until twilight began to fall, when we parted, 
 having made an appointment to meet on Nickelscooper's 
 shed the same night to practice a duet we had heard an 
 uncle and aunt of his sing together. 
 
 Greatnerve. — I am finished with you, my pretty girl. 
 
 Gixslixger {rising in an intoxicated state). — Please wait, 
 my (hie) prutty girl, till I've ashed you a question. How 
 d it happen that (hie) Misher Thomash Cat was in two 
 plaches at ench ? 
 
 Pussy {disgusted). — He wasn't in two places at once. 
 
 Gxslixger {dubiously). — He i^as in two plaches at (hie) 
 onch. He was with (hie) you, and he was stealin' chickeens 
 at shame time. 
 
 Pussy. — Mr. Thomas Cat was with me all the afternoon 
 on June 9th. It must have been the other Thomas Cat 
 who stole the chickens. 
 
 Gixslixger.— What othsher Thomash Cat? 
 
 Pussy. — Why, Mr. Cat's cousin, of course, a very wicked, 
 bad fellow who bears the same name, and closely resembles 
 my dear Thomas in appearance. 
 
 Gixslixger. — Dosh he wear (hie) the shame closhe? 
 
 Pussy. — He is always dressed in a black coat and pants, 
 like my dear Thomas. 
 
 Gixslixger {musing). — That's funny, ver' — ver' — funny. 
 
 Judge. — Mr. Ginslinger, you are in no fit condition to 
 continue this case. You may leave the court, sir. 
 
 Gixslixger. — I'm all through, your (hie) Honor. Nothin' 
 more need be shed. The case ish mine. That settlesh it. 
 {Staggers out of court.) 
 
 Greatxerve. — My opponent, by his acute questions, 
 10 
 
146 in \i. 
 
 has bro ight a new feature in this case, and one that 
 
 must certainly exonerate my client from all guilt in this 
 matt *akes her 
 
 heard that Mr. Thomas ( 1 cousin, 
 
 iah, who unfortunately resembles him, and 
 who is accustomed to dress in the same fashion. This ac- 
 counts for the sight-evidence of the witnesses brought for- 
 ward by the prosecution. They are simply mistaken in 
 their man. My client has proved, by unimpeachable testi- 
 mony, that he was in the company of his sweetheart all the 
 afternoon of the day upon which the theft was committed. 
 I have nothing more to say, for your intelligence, gentle- 
 men, can lead you to but one conclusion. (Sits down) 
 
 Judge. — In the conduct of this case, I have been greatly 
 shocked by the disgraceful behavior of the prosecuting at- 
 torney. I hope, for the credit of the court over which I 
 preside, it will be kept out of the papers. And now a few 
 words to you, gentlemen. The evidence undoubtedly 
 points to an alibi for the accused. There is but one ob- 
 jection. Who and where is this other Thomas Cat? 
 
 (At this juncture there is great confusion in court, while 
 a constable rushes into the presence of the Judge with the 
 other Thomas Cat in his custody. THIS MUST BE A REAL 
 Cat.; 
 
 BLE. — Your Honor, we are just in time to save 
 the innocent from sentence. Here is the rogue whom I 
 found picking the last remnants of Herr Nickelscoopcr's 
 rooster. He has confessed all. 
 
 Judge. — That being the fact, as I believe, I shall dismiss 
 the case before me, and shall hope at our next sessions to 
 bring the guilty to justice. 
 
 [Court adjourns. 
 
THE PERILOUS POSITION 
 
 OF 
 
 JOHN JOSEPH JAMES JENKINISSINSON. 
 
 (Room of the Elite Club.) 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Professor Jube Judson, Officiating Judge, 
 John Joseph James Jexkinissinson, on trial for expul- 
 sion. 
 
 Peter Persimmons, Accuser. 
 Tony Tittlebat, Prosecutor. 
 Alabama Jones, Defender of Accused. 
 
 {Club members seated on both sides) 
 
 Professor Jube.— Dis am de fust time since dis club 
 wus organized dat one ob de bredren was brou't up fo' 
 'spulsion. De good name ob de members is at stake, an' 
 dis unruly purson must be 'mediately dealt wid. Bein' 
 'pointed Judge, I mean to 'sume all de dignity ob de situ- 
 ation, and I want all you niggers to respec' me. Who am 
 de 'cuser, and who am de 'cused ? 
 
 Persimmons (rising). — I'm de 'cuser! 
 
 Jexkinissinson. — I'm de innercint party! 
 
 Jube. — Sit down ! Now I knows whar an' who you bofe 
 are. What am de next ting on de programme, Misser Tit- 
 tlebat? Seems as how I fo'get de order ob bisness. 
 
 Tittlebat. — Next ting am to hear de accusations ob 
 de 'grieved person ! 
 
 (147) 
 
148 THE PBRILCH [ON OF 
 
 .mons, stand up an' state yo* griev- 
 ance 
 
 .—"He grievances am numerous. In do fust 
 v, John Joseph James Jenkinissinson am a wicked 
 
 ihure'a you' I cum to de club reck'men 
 
 by de Renvoi io Secret Soci'ty ob Social Culture, whar lie 
 scrbed a term ob two years, lie whar obmittcd to de fold 
 ob elite bredren 'pon dat reck'mendation. No moar dan 
 he whar obmittcd 'fere iie gun steal from de members. 
 Tony Tittlebat lose a banjo. Doan no whar it be. Hunt 
 all ober fur it wid no result. All de time John Joseph 
 James Jenkinissinson hab de pawn-ticket fo' dat banjo in 
 his wallet. Me go 'possum-huntin' — ketch two fat pos- 
 sum — leaf dem on de bac' porch fo' half an hour — 'possum 
 dis'pear. Doan no whar dey be. Go down to de cabin ob 
 de 'cused party, an' dir 'scovered him wallerin' in 'possum- 
 stew. De last cusation I hab to mention am de fact dat 
 Jenkinissinson neber goes about widout a razor in his close. 
 Dis am agin de by-laws ob de bredren. Kinder 'spec' he 
 ain't de proper pursoa to keep in de 'ciety, an' I want him 
 'jected fo' de safety ob us all. (Sits down?) 
 
 Jube. — Must allow am powerful skeered ob a razor mes- 
 self. What's de nex: ting on de programme, Misser Tit- 
 tlebat ? 
 
 Tittlebat. — De 'zaminashun ob de 'cused party. 
 
 JUBE — John Joscp'i James Jenkinissinson, what you £>;ot 
 to remark about de 'cusations agin you' good charackter? 
 
 Jenkini .— De trufe am a powerful party ter hab 
 
 on you' side, and de trufe am my backer. Doan know 
 nuffin 'bout Tony Tittlebat's banjo. Doan know nuffin 
 'bout Persimmons' 'rossums. Doan know nuffin 'bout de 
 
 Tittle hat (excitedly). — Doan know nuffin 'bout de razor? 
 What's dat makes de back o' you' shoe so stifT ? 
 J U BE. — 'Zamine de shoe ! 'Zamine de shoe ! 
 
JOHN JOSEPH JAMES JENKINISSINSON. 1 49 
 
 (Tittlebat takes from the back of Jenkinissinson's 
 shoe a huge razor.) 
 
 Tittlebat {triumphantly).— -Here am de evidence ob de 
 crime. {Examining razor curiously?) Whew ! what wicked 
 wurk dat nigger could a gone dun wid dis brodesword ! 
 
 Jube. — S'pose you hab nuffin to say to de evidence, Mis- 
 ser Jenkinissinson ? 
 
 JENKINISSINSON. — 'Spect I hab. I studied de professhun 
 ob barber, an' am one ob de journeymen barbers at de 
 present time. Dat's de tools ob my professhun. (Turning 
 with a grin to Tittlebat.) Doan yer want me ter gib you 
 a nice, clean shave, Misser Tittlebat? 
 
 Tittlebat. — I guess you doan get ie edge ob dat brode- 
 suord widin twenty foot ob dis nigger's troat, Misser Jenk- 
 inissinson. 
 
 Jube.— Nuffin moar to remark, Misser Jenkinissinson ? 
 
 Jenkinissinson.— Nuffin but de trufe, what I told you. 
 {Sits down.) 
 
 Jube. — Now, gemmen, 'pears ter mo dat de cross 'zami- 
 nashun am de next ting on de programme. Proceed. 
 
 Tittlebat. — Misser Jenkinissinson, whar am de proofs 
 ob you innocence? 
 • Jenkinissinson. — De proof ob de puddin' am de eatin' ! 
 
 Jube. — What you mean, niggar? 
 
 Jenkinissinson. — My words am de puddin', an' when 
 you swaller dem dat will be de eatin', and de eatin' will be 
 de proof ob my innercence. 
 
 Jube. — I 'gun 'spect you studied atde Hampton College. 
 You be a fly niggar, shuar. 
 
 Tittlebat. — Whar be you wallet, M isser Jenkinissinson ? 
 
 Jenkinissinson. — Hear am de pocketbook. Doan you 
 'tempt to 'stract any ob dem bills, fo' ^'m awatchin' obyou 
 close. 
 
 Tittlebat {contemptuously). — Wat you take dis niggar 
 fo' ? (Examines contents of wallet.) Here am a pawn- 
 
150 THE i'lKll <H s posj noa 
 
 Ct I ( Reads.) "John Joseph James Jenkinissinson, one 
 
 banjo, S3.60." Here am de proof! Wat you gone dun wid 
 
 banjo ob mine, niggar? You pawned it, did you? 
 
 11 him, Professor Jube ! 'Spell him from de club at 
 
 om\ 
 
 Jube. — Wait till we prove de 'possums. 
 
 Tittlebat (> Jenkinissinson).— W T hat you do wid 
 Persimmons' 'possums? 
 
 J in KiM .— Doan know nuftm about de 'possums. 
 
 Tittlebat. — Doan know nutfin about de 'possums? 
 Persimmons seen you catin' dem ! 
 
 Jenkinissinson. — Dey whar no 'possums ob Persimmons. 
 Dey whar 'possums I katched messell. 
 
 Tittlebat.— Prove it! 
 
 Jenkinissinson. — Dis niggar won't prove nufrln. His 
 word am de trufe. 
 
 Tittlebat. — I guess you better 'spell him at once, Pro- 
 fessor Jube. He's a bad niggar, shuar ! {Grumbling aside 
 at intervals : What you goan dun wid dat banjo ob mine, 
 Misser Jenkinissinson ?) 
 
 Jube. — 'Fore I 'spell him I must listen to de defence. 
 Mister Alabama Jones, what you got to say 'bout dis mat- 
 ter? 
 
 Jones. — Dis am de fust 'casion ob my life to prove de in- 
 nercince ob a broder. De razor am 'counted fo as a tool 
 ob de barbar's professhun, which de laws ob no 'ciety can 
 tak' away. De excepshun am de rule, and dis am de ex- 
 cepshun. Dis bein' de excepshun, derefur becomes de rule, 
 broders, John Joseph James Jenkinissinson had bruk no 
 rule in carrym' de razor. De pawn-ticket signefies nuffin 
 unless de banjo whar Tony Tittlebat's banjo. How you 
 r prove dat it whar? Mcbbe it whar some udder 
 banjo ? 
 
 Jube. — We kin settle dat right heah. Tittlebat, yo' goa 
 it dat banjo. You got de pawn-ticket. 
 
JOHN JOSEPH JAMES JENKINISSINSON. 15 1 
 
 Tittlebat. — But I hain't got de S3.60. Nineteen cents 
 all dis niggar got. 
 
 Jube. — Sorry fo' you, Misser Tittlebat. 
 
 Tittlebat. — Sorry fo' niesseff. 
 
 Jones {resuming). — Concerning de 'possum, Misser Jen- 
 kinissinson hab said dey whar his own 'possum. Whar s de 
 proof dat dey whar not hisen ? Seems ter me dat '• hallo- 
 balloo has bin made 'bout nurhn," as Shakehispear says. 
 Dismiss de 'cusations as widout foundashun. 
 
 Jube. — 'Pears ter me as broder Alabama Jones has proved 
 dat nutnn hab bin proved agin de 'cused. Broders, we hab 
 no cause ter 'spell Misser Jenkinissinson, but ef you 'spects 
 him watch him close, and he may be kotched some udder 
 time. 
 
 De court marshul am dismissed. 
 
 [Curtain. 
 
SWEET FEMININE JUSTICE. 
 
 Dramatis Persons. 
 
 Judge Agatha Affable. 
 
 Miss Strongmind, Prosecuting Attorney. 
 
 Silvia Goldthread, Attorney for Defence. 
 
 Miranda Gingham, Policelady. 
 
 John Doe, Prisoner. 
 
 Teddy Brogue, Witness. 
 
 Judge Affable (tapping timidly). — I feel sure, dear 
 ladies, you will forgive me if 1 make a few remarks — only 
 a few — just a wee little talk, before we begin our important 
 work. I am so happy to be — but there, I am a Judge now, 
 a real Judge, and you are real lawyers and legal what-you- 
 may-call-'ems — officers ; yes, legal officers. And here we 
 are running a real court. Just think of it. What would 
 our grandmothers have said of this ? Isn't it funny, though ? 
 Have you a hairpin to spare, Miss Goldthread ? O, pshaw ! 
 I forgot. I must be more dignified. What do we do first, 
 Strongmind? 
 
 mind. — The first and most important thing is to 
 have a little order. 
 
 , yes. (Tapping gently.) Let us have order, 
 by all me 
 
 STRONGMIND.*— I will explain the case. John Doe, the 
 accused, was caught in the act of reaching into a cai- 
 window, just as the train was starting, and snatching a 
 
SWEET FEMININE JUSTICE. 153 
 
 lady passenger's hundred-dollar bridal-bonnet from her 
 head. 
 
 Judge. — Mercy! But you don't think he really did it, 
 Miss Lawyer Strongmind, do you? 
 
 Strongmind. — That is for me to prove by the evidence. 
 
 Judge. — I suppose so. But I think it is just too awful 
 to be true. Don't you, Miss Goldthread? 
 
 Goldthread. — I certainly do. I never heard of any- 
 thing like that happening to any of our set. 
 
 Strongmind. — Your set, Miss Attorney for the Defence, 
 has nothing to do with this case. Now, let you Honoress 
 have the accused brought into court. Ah ! here comes the 
 Policelady with the prisoner. 
 
 (GlNGKAM stalks in, leading Doe by the ear, and exult- 
 antly shouting : I caught him, 1 caught him. Here he is. 
 Here's the villain. Runs him t/ius around and out of court- 
 room, and returns alone. GOLDTHREAD swoons meanwhile.) 
 
 Judge. — Heavens! Heavens! Water! Quick! 
 
 (Goldthread revived by Strongmind with huge smell- 
 ing-bottle.) 
 
 Strongmind. — What weak, feminine nonsense ! It 
 makes me blush for my sex. Let the Policelady take the 
 witness-stand. 
 
 (Gingham walks smartly to stand.) 
 
 Strongmind. — Now, then, Miss Gingham, how long 
 have you been on the police force ? 
 
 Gingham. — Two weeks; just two weeks; two weeks ex- 
 actly. I know it. I am sure of it. 
 
 Strongmind. — Very good, indeed. I have no doubt 
 you will be promoted after this grand action. How many 
 arrests did you say you had made in this time ? 
 
 Gingham. — I didn't say. It's not customary in my pro- 
 fession to answer questions before they are asked. 
 
 Strongmind. — But I asked you that question. 
 
 Gingham. — No, you didn't. 
 
i5 \ unito j 
 
 . 1 did. 
 
 1 didn't. 
 . I did. 
 ■.M. — You didn't. 
 
 •iiNi'.-I did. 
 
 " K<M* didn't " 
 
 ( )h, dear ! Oh, dear ! What shall I do ? Call 
 in a man at once. I think they are going to quarrel. 
 
 MIND. — No, no, your Honoress; this was merely 
 a war of words, such as is often heard in court-rooms. Of 
 course I was right, and — 
 
 am. — You were not right. 
 GMIND. — I was right. 
 reduction of previous scene, with " was " and 
 
 Judge. — Horrois! Horrors! I wish I had never be- 
 come a Judge. 
 
 Strongmixd (suddenly). — How many arrests have you 
 made beside this one ? 
 
 Gingham. — No others. 
 
 Stroxgmixd. — Why didn't you say so, then? 
 
 Gingham. — I did say so. 
 
 Goldthread. — I think, but I am not quite sure, that 
 she did say so. 
 
 Strongmind {grandiloquently). — I am glad to yield this 
 point to my sister in the law. We attorneys learn to ad- 
 mit some things gracefully. 
 
 Judge (bravely). — But I don't see the necessity. 
 
 Goldthread (with dignity). — O, yes ; it is very neces- 
 
 \\r. — I am of the same opinion. I am, indeed. 
 Jud rnedfy). — Well, then, proceed at once. The 
 
 time of this court is too precious to be wasted in frivolous 
 matters. 
 
SWEET FEMININE JUSTICE. 1 55 
 
 Strongmind. — Are you speaking to me ? 
 
 Judge. — No, no ; not for the world. 
 
 Gingham.— Did you mean me? 
 
 Judge. — Oh, dear, no ! not at all. 
 
 Goldthread. — Then, I suppose, you referred to me. 
 If so, I shall snub you the next time we meet in sod 
 
 Judge. — But I didnt refer to you, Silvia dear. I don't 
 believe I referred to anybody. 
 
 Strongmind. — But you ought to refer to somebody. 
 However, I have exhausted the testimony of this witness, 
 and I think I have shown the guilt of the accused. 
 
 Gingham. — But I haven't had anything to say yet. 
 
 Strongmind. — Why ! you have done all the talking. 
 
 Gingham. — No, I haven't. I haven't said a word about 
 what I know. 
 
 Strongmind. — What did you do with the prisoner ? 
 
 Gingham. — I put him in the cell again. 
 
 Strongmind. — This is a fine state of affairs. Go and 
 get the prisoner and bring him into court. 
 
 Gingham. — That's fun. I will be back soon. (Goes 
 out.) 
 
 Strongmind. — My next witness is a man. 
 
 (Sensation in court-room.) 
 
 Strongmind. — Come forward, witness Brogue. 
 
 (Brogue steps tip.) 
 
 Strongmind.— What is your name ? 
 
 Brogue. — Teddy Brogue, af you plaze. 
 
 Strongmind. — Where do you live ? 
 
 Brogue.— In the Holler. 
 
 Strongmind. — What Hollow ? 
 
 Brogue.— Paddy's Holler. 
 
 Strongmind. — How old are you ? 
 
 Brogue. — Oi am ould enough, Miss. 
 
 Strongmind. — Please repeat that answer. How old are 
 you : 
 
SWEET FEMININ 
 
 Didn't Oi tell ye 01 wax ould enough? 
 
 Judge.—] am positive he did, Miss Strongmind. 
 
 MIND. — That will do on that point, any 
 
 . what — when -who — where do you live? 
 .—By hevinsj Oi told ye that too. 
 -Perhaps it would be well to let this witness tell 
 oat the bonnet, 
 p in read. — I would like to hear that. 
 
 . — Oi know iverything about it. Oi had 
 druve me dump-cart down when the train was starting out, 
 and Oi see that fellow — and Oi know him for a thief — grab 
 lady's top-piece roight from her head. Oi jumps from 
 me cart and leaves me harse in the middle of the street. 
 
 STRONGMIND. — Now, then, Mr. Witness, what became of 
 the horse? 
 JUDGE. — Yes, what happened to the horse ? 
 
 rUE, — And what is that to ye ? He is me own harse, 
 and he's been in that cart for twinty years, and knows the 
 business better than Oi do meself. 
 
 Goldthread. — I think I read about that horse. The 
 papers said the Cruelty to Animals Society had carried 
 the horse off or something. Was he your horse ? 
 
 Brogue. — And don't Oi know that? It's me ownchilder 
 will have no supper now till I get me harse back again. 
 
 Strongmind.— Your Honoress, I object to such inter- 
 ruptions from the other side. 
 
 Goldthread.— I guess I have a right to ask questions. 
 They told me I ought to ask lots of questions. 
 
 Strongmind. — What! You ask questions? Why, 
 don't know enough to keep still, let alone asking questions. 
 Go I.: ur sting i?ito tears). — You are a horrid 
 
 thing. The Judge told me so before we came in. 
 -Go home, baby. 
 
 I will go home. And I don't care 
 who gets hunj. (Sails out wec d \ 
 
SWEET FEMIXINE JUSTICE. 1 57 
 
 BROGUE (throwing up both hands in disgust, and walking 
 out). — The divil take them wimmen lawyers. The ould 
 harse knows more about law in one minit than they would 
 in a year. (Disappears.) 
 
 Judge. — Silence in court. Here comes the prisoner 
 again. 
 
 (Gingham brings in Doe, who now wears a high hat.) 
 
 Strongmind. — Where's the bonnet ? 
 
 Gingham. — He has got it. 
 
 Strongmind. — Where ? 
 
 Gingham. — Here. (Takes off Doe's hat, leaving co7icealed 
 bon?iet on his head.) 
 
 Strongmind. — What a ridiculous affair ! 
 
 Judge. — Isn't it a fright ? (Doe steals out.) 
 
 Gingham. — Yes, but I shall always keep it because I 
 caught the thief. 
 
 Judge. — Oh ! but I ought to keep it, as I am the Judge. 
 
 Gingham. — Well, I got it first ; so it is mine. 
 
 Strongmind (seizing bonnet). — You can't either of you 
 have it (starts out with bomiet on head). 1 am going to try 
 this case over again in a man's court. (Disappears?) 
 
 Gingham. — What impudence ! (Looking about in disjnay.) 
 Why ! the prisoner has gone, too. 
 
 Judge. — So he has. (Then confidentially.) Do you 
 know, Miss Gingham, it isn't half so nice to be a Judge as 
 I thought it was ? 
 
 Gingham. — It's no use being a Policelady if you can't 
 get anything when you make an arrest. 
 
 Judge. — I'll give it up if you will. 
 
 Gingham.— So will I. 
 
 Judge. — Agreed. I guess we'd better leave these dis- 
 agreeable things to the men and Miss Strongmind. 
 
 Gingham. — Well, I suppose we must. Good-bye, Agatha. 
 
 Judge. — Good-bye, Miranda. Good-bye, court-room, too ; 
 and good-bye — everybody. [Curtain. 
 
THE MOUSE. 
 
 scene: a court of law. 
 
 John White (<? warder) examined: "My name's John 
 White, I am a warder of the gaol in which the prisoner was 
 confined for misdemeanor. He was convicted twelve months 
 back; since his conviction, his behavior has been marked 
 extremely good. I know the prosecutor, William Ilinde, 
 he also is a warder in the gaol ; I remember well the night 
 you mention. Yes, I'll swear it was the thirty-first of May 
 — the time was five to nine. Hinde went his rounds, and 
 then I heard high words, when he was in the cell of num- 
 ber fxfty-six (the prisoner). The latter cried.. ' You hound ! ' 
 And then I saw Hinde reeling out, blood pouring from 
 his lips. I said, 'What is it?' And he answered me, 'That 
 beast in there has hit me on the mouth.' I said, ' Whatever 
 made him do it, Hinde?' And he replied, 'I tried to kill 
 his mouse, according to the Governor's orders.' This is my 
 evidence, my Lord." 
 
 The Judge {log.) : 
 
 " Prisoner at the bar, since you are not defended on your 
 
 1 by learned counsel, it rests with you to urge your own 
 
 defence. You have heard the evidence against you ; speak." 
 
 The Prisoner {log) : 
 
 " My Lord and Gentlemen of the Jury, I have no wish to 
 cross-examine, or attempt to shake the testimony of those 
 who have appeared against me. In every particular it is 
 
THE MOUSE. 159 
 
 correct ; what they have said is true ; what they have not, 
 I will, craving your patience, now recount. Near fourteen 
 months ago I was convicted of a crime of which I swear I 
 was quite innocent ; which innocence were fully proved, 
 had not the law, alas, debarred my wife from giving evi- 
 dence on my behalf, such as alone could clear my tarnished 
 fame. Ill fortune such as this near broke me down. I had 
 lost all, wife, children, home. Desolate, I wasted in my 
 prison cell; hopeless— existing, true — but living not. One 
 night, when I was served my humble fare, a little mouse 
 crept out upon the floor, and eyed askance the dreaded 
 human form. I threw some food, and, scared, it scampered 
 off; but pangs of hunger lured it out again and made it 
 share my meal ; a welcome guest. So every night it came, 
 until at last it grew so tame I fed it from my hand ; it slept 
 with me and nestled in my sleeve. I took it in my pocket 
 when I went for exercise with others in the yard ; and 
 much amusement — aye — and envy, too, I have excited when 
 I showed my prize. I had no friends ; — I grew to love this 
 mouse, as these dumb animals are often loved by those who 
 find all others cold and false. One night — it was the fatal 
 thirty-first of May — the warder Hinde came to my cell 
 when my little pet was sporting on my hand. He said, 
 4 They talk about this mouse of yours ; just let me see if it's 
 as tame as White, the warder, says : I want to see if it will 
 come and feed from my hand if I hold it out.' Little sus- 
 pecting this inhuman fiend, I lured my little pet, who 
 quaked with fear, unwilling yet to court a stranger's touch. 
 The cruel hand closed on it, and he laughed. ' Enough of 
 this ! ' he cried. ' The Governor says he won't allow this 
 insubordination ; come, bid your friend good-bye, I'm go- 
 ing to crush him.' I sprang erect. Oh, God ! My every nerve 
 tingled with fear for my poor little pet. 'You hound !' I 
 cried ; and then I hit out straight into the face of this in- 
 human fiend. Thank God, he dropped the mouse, which, 
 
160 ill I" M01 
 
 brightened ran, and found a haven e'en from whence it 
 Thfa is my crime, and I am in your hands." 
 
 77 1 \su/us up) : 
 
 ntlemen of the Jury, 1 am content, I sum this rase 
 -icily .is I can. This tale is touching and, I doubt not, 
 true ; but you must deal with facts, not sentiments ; it r 
 with me alone to mitigate the punishment, which, be i 
 sured, shall be awarded with respect to law." 
 
 Foreman of Jury {log.) : 
 
 " My Lord, we are agreed, and find the prisoner guilty, 
 but most strongly recommend him to the mercy of this 
 Court." 
 
 The Judge {delivers sentence) : 
 
 " Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted of an assault 
 on William Hinde, your warder, for which the sentence of 
 the Court receive, namely, that you be imprisoned for one 
 day, and that without hard labor, to run concurrently with 
 the sentence you are undergoing. Furthermore, I have 
 here — now, can you bear good news ? — a packet from the 
 Home Office commanding your release, upon a pardon 
 granted by Her Majesty the Queen ; for now it seems an- 
 other has confessed the crime for which you have already 
 suffered wrongfully. Thus you are free ; and I may further 
 add, John White, the warder, has for you outside a little 
 friend of yours, unhurt, but caged. I wish you well. Stop 
 the applause in Court ! " 
 
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 Fun Everlasting-— A large collection of choice humorous 
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 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 23 & 31 Beekman St., New York, M.Y: 
 
 P. O. Box 1144. 4 
 
New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed. 
 
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 Guide to Authorship.— A practical instructor in all kinds 
 
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 Gunsmith's Manual, — A complete handbook for the Amer- 
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 Hand-book of Dominoes.— Giving all popular and now 
 
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 Hand-book of Ventriloquism.— A practical self-instructor, 
 
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 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y. 
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New and PopuLr Books sent Free of Postage ai Prices Annexed 
 
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 Standard Scroll Book, The.— This is a collection of upward 
 
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 Taxidermist's Manual,— This is the only complete and 
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 Tricks on Travelers.— A little work exposing frauds 
 
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 Use of Colors. — A valuable treatise on the properties ot 
 
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 Full of useful information ,25cts 
 
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 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y, 
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BTJ :r, id e T T ' s 
 
 Irish Dialect Recitations and Readings. 
 
 CO NTE NTS. 
 
 The 4l A err." [Katie's Answer. O'Thelto. 
 
 utle of Limerick. Larrift Paddy Blake's Echo. 
 
 Biddy McGinn Is o»i the Larry's on the Force. Ldy's Courting. 
 
 Photograph. Love to the Kitchen. 
 
 Uinnis at the 
 
 Trouble*. 
 r»h of St. Patrick. 
 The Donkey. 
 Don't be Taaing Me. 
 The Emigrants. 
 How l ,i t s : i v ed H is Bacon 
 Irish Coquetry. 
 An Irish Letter. 
 The Irish Philosopher. 
 The Irish Schoolmaster. 
 The Iri^h Traveller. 
 An Irisbm n's Letter. 
 The Irishman's Panorama 
 Jimmy McBride'fl Letter. 
 Bound in illuminated paper cover. 
 
 Make it Four Yer Honor. Paddy the Piper. 
 The Man lie Waa Waiting Paddy O'Raftber. 
 
 to B< Idy'i Reflections on 
 
 Mile's Confession. pathra's Needle. 
 
 Mi-s Maloney on the Chi- Pat's Criticism. 
 
 nese Question. Pat's Letter. 
 
 Miss Maloney Goes to the Pat and His Musket. 
 
 Dentist. Pat and the Oysters. 
 
 Modem Astronomy and Patrick O'Rouke and the 
 
 Philosophy. I Frogs. 
 
 Mr. Moloney's Account ofPaudeen O'Reffcrty's Say 
 
 the Ball. Voyage. 
 
 Noah Murphy and the Peter Mulroouey and the 
 
 Spirits. | Black Filly. 
 
 The O'Nayle who had Tim Murphy's Irish Stew. 
 
 Lost the Big"0." The Wake of Tim OTIara. 
 
 O'lteilly's Nightmare. The Widow Cummiskey. 
 
 - Price, 25 cents. 
 
 BTTieXXET'T'S 
 
 v^Tew Comic Recitations & Humorous Readings 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Add. flyman's Fourth of now She Managed It. 
 
 Fence White-washed. 
 How we Hunted a Mouse. 
 
 July Oration. 
 The Aged Stringer. 
 • diloquy. 
 i o-Ti-Pnl Snow. 
 The Blue Bottle Fly. 
 The Book Agent Beats ihc 
 
 Bandit. ,\h Fdyl of the Period. 
 
 The BrakemanatCbuich. The Irrespressible Boy. 
 BrWfl Bash Bet. Jim Wolfe and the Cats. 
 
 Bnci 'a Funeral John Spiner's Shirt. 
 
 Butterwick's Little Gas Love in Oyster Bay. 
 
 Bill. Maidens, Beware! 
 
 The Captain's Speech to Mr. Lphraim Muggins on 
 
 the Montgomery Guards! Oilymargarine. 
 The Car Conductor's Mr. I otts' Story. 
 
 |Pyrotechnic Polyglot. 
 
 IJow They Play t lie Piano A Receipt for Actors, 
 in New Orleans. She Meant Business. 
 
 How to Manage Carpets, she Was Too Fastidious. 
 IJow Tom Sawyer Got His A Similar Case. 
 
 The Simple Story of G. 
 Washington. 
 
 A Speech which every 
 Congressman Could Un- 
 derstar.d. 
 
 Spoopend/ke's Suspend- 
 ers. 
 
 A Struggle with a Stove 
 Pipe. 
 
 That Bad Boy Again. 
 
 iThat Emerson Boy. 
 
 Mistake. \\ New Primer. That Hired Girl. 
 
 The Ca«eof Young Bangs. Nobody's Mule. r Tou.jours Jamais." 
 
 Confessing their Faults. On* of'Those Awful Chil- Travelling in a Mixed 
 illy Brown. | dren. I Train. 
 
 Only a Pin. The Two Boot Blacks, 
 
 'iman and the The Parent with the Hoof The Villain Still Pursued 
 
 A Plea for the Opera. II er 
 
 i) and His Fly- The Presentation of the The Wrong Ashes. 
 
 ! Trumpet. The Yarn of the "Nancy 
 
 CandaharTbe Puzzled Census Bell." 
 Bow ** Rnby " Played. i Taker. 
 Illustrated paper cover. ------ Price, 25 cents. 
 
 tie by all Books' Hers, or will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of price. 
 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 
 P. O. Box 1144. WJ and 31 Beckman Street, New York, N. Y, 
 
German at a Glance. 
 
 A new system, on the most simple principles, for 
 Universal Self-Tuition, with English pronunciation of 
 every word. By this system any person can become pro- 
 ficient in the German language in a very short time. It 
 is the most complete and easy method ever published. By 
 Franz Thimm. (Revised Edition.) 
 
 Eound in paper cover, - price 25c. 
 
 E Qund in boards, with cloth back, - price 35c. 
 
 French at a Glance. 
 
 Uniform and arranged the same as u German at a 
 Glance/' being the most thorough and easy system for 
 Self-Tnition. (Revised Edition.) 
 
 BOund in paper cover, - price 25c. 
 
 Bound in boards, cloth back, - - price 35c. 
 
 Spanish, at a Glance. 
 
 A new system for Self-Tuition, arranged the same 
 as French and German, being the easiest method of ac- 
 quiring" a thorough knowledge of the Spanish language, 
 (Revised Edition.) 
 
 Bound in paper cover, - price 25c. 
 
 Bound in boards, cloth back, - - price 35c. 
 
 Italian at a Glance. 
 
 Uniform in size and style with German, French, and 
 Spanish, being the most simple method of learning tha 
 Italian language. I Revised Edition.) 
 
 Bound in oaper cover, - price 25c. 
 
 Bound in boards, cloth back, - - price 35c. 
 
 For sale by all Booksellers or will be sent, postpaid, on receipt of price* 
 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 
 O. Box 1144. 29 and 31 Beekman St., ?ew York, ff.'fc 
 
New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed. 
 
 Barkeeper's Manual. — Onlyprofesstanal book of the kind 
 ami t! 1 standard with New York barkeepers. It gives all 
 ! drinks, ami the popular beverages of all sec- 
 , tor hotels, steamers, restaurants, club h< 
 . r a reliable guide of this kind Is required. [1 
 ■ u preparation of wines, cordials, liquors, bitters, 
 syrups, aerated Bummer b< irtiflciaJ champagne, cider, 
 numerous useful recipes and practical suggestions to the profes* 
 .. . 50cts. 
 
 Ehck-Board in the Sunday-School.— A practical gfaide 
 
 iperintendents and Teachers. By Frank Bbaru With numerous 
 illustrations. Just the thing wanted, giving jusl the Information needed 
 
 ible any superintendent or teacher to use the black board in the 
 work < t* the Sunday-School, including instructions forplain and colored 
 drawings and every branch of the subject. Cloth, gold and black 
 ■tamping $1.50 
 
 Book of Scrolls and Ornaments.— For Car, Carriage, 
 
 > and Other 1 ainters. This book is now used in many prominent 
 and for ornamental work generally. Mr. J. H. Loudolphe 
 gives the beat ideas, and Ins work herein maintains the reputation his 
 work in the shop gave him. It is principally devoted to flat ornamen- 
 tation. The work is a favorite with the profession, and is a storehouse 
 of valuable designs for a great variety of purposes $1 00 
 
 Book of Alphabets. — For Painters, Draughtsmen, De- 
 signers, etc. Including all standard styles and many new and popular 
 ones. Among utners, Uerman, French, Old English, etc. , 50 cts. 
 
 Book of Japanese Ornamentation.— A collection of de- 
 signs adapted to the use of decorators, designers, sign painters, silver- 
 B, and others. It meets the want created by the prevailing fash- 
 ion for 'Jap,' and will be found highly useful for a variety of purposes. 
 The designs are ail practical* and range from the simplest styles to the 
 most elaborate work. ''This collection will bo found useful to the sign 
 paint'-: r, decorator, and others l r whom it is Intended. — 
 ' r's Magazine. " Deserves study by all painters interested in dec- 
 oration.'— Hub ....$'2.00 
 
 Books of Advertised "Wonders.— -This is a collection of 
 
 the secrets, money-making recipes, wonders, and various things adver- 
 by circulars and newspapers to catch curious people. Some are 
 
 good, some bad, some indifferent $250 were spent to collect them, and 
 ou have them for with our comments as to the hum 
 
 'hey are such. There are enough good things to pay almost any 
 r the outlay of fifty cents, and many persons will avoid paying 
 
 muchhign piicesfor some by getting this book 50 cts 
 
 Candy Maker. — A complete guide for making all plain 
 and fancy candies, bonbons, etc. It tells exactly how to boil the sugar 
 B successfully for every kind of candy how to color, ilavor, 
 Lion This is a good trade in every city, town, and vil 
 ted Fresh candies of all fashionable kinds sell 
 iits, and will build up a trade in any community 
 kinds. Any grocer or baker could add largely 
 In a small place by introdn dties 
 Cull lino of syrups Cor soda water, recipes for 
 popular styles of ice cream, and other information. Illus- 
 trated 50 cts. 
 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y, 
 
 r. o. tux ii n. 
 
JXcelgiol 1 ^ecMongi^eadiig 
 
 ONTO. 
 
 CONTENTS: 
 
 Asleep at the Switch. 
 
 Battle of Waterloo, The. 
 
 Benediction. 
 
 Biddy Maginness at the Photogra- 
 pher's. 
 
 Billy's Rose. 
 
 Black Horse and his Rider, The. 
 
 B >ok Canvasser, The. 
 
 Brier Rose. 
 
 Calif or nian and a New York 
 Segar, A. 
 
 Caoch the Piper. 
 
 Cataract of Lodore, The. 
 
 Catawba Wine. 
 
 Children We Keep. The. 
 
 Chinese Excelsior. The. 
 
 Clothing Business, The. 
 
 Coals of Fire. 
 
 Co i no. 
 
 Curfew Must Not Ring To-Night. 
 
 Death of Robespierre, The. 
 
 Difficulty in Rhyming. 
 
 Farmer John. 
 
 Fearless De C<~>urcy, The. 
 
 Flash. (The Fireman Story.) 
 
 Fly Cogitation, A. 
 
 Going to School 
 
 Granerer and the Gambler, The. 
 
 Her Rival. 
 
 How Girls Study. 
 
 How Jane Conquest Rang the Bell. 
 
 Jack. 
 
 Ki'chen Clock, The. 
 
 Left. 
 
 176 Pages, Paper Cover. 
 
 Life Boat, The. 
 
 Life's Magnet. 
 
 Mary's Lamb oq a New Principle. 
 
 Maud Rosihue's Choice. 
 
 Miss Maloney on the Chinese QueS 
 
 tion. 
 Moll Jarvis O'Marley. 
 Mrs. Smart Learns How to Skate 
 My Garden. 
 My Lover. 
 Nancy. 
 
 Now and Then. 
 
 Old Man in the Palace Car, The, 
 Our Travelled Parson . 
 Phryne's Husband. 
 Poor-House Man. 
 Bevenge is Sweet. 
 Room Enough for All. 
 Scandal, A. 
 Seedy One, A. (A Tale of Fraud 
 
 and Deception.) 
 Sign-Board, The. 
 Sister of Charity, The. 
 Smoker's Soliloquy, A. 
 Ta:eof a Dog, The. 
 To a Skeleton. 
 
 Trouble in the Amen Cornet. 
 Uncle Ned's Defence. 
 Valentine, The. 
 What is a Gentleman ? 
 When. 
 
 Witness, The. 
 Wounded. 
 Wrong Train, The. 
 
 Price 25 cents 
 
 into. 4. oojntt:e:n-ts- 
 
 America. 
 
 Bells (The). 
 
 Bill Jone9. 
 
 Bill 6nvder\s Boy. 
 
 Bill the Engineer. 
 
 B>b s Petticoats. 
 
 Boy 'Wanted " 
 
 Bridget McGurrigan. 
 
 tassius Against Ca?sar. 
 
 tharcoal Man (The). 
 
 C rrect Card (The;. 
 
 CupirTs Arrow 
 
 Dead Doll (The; 
 
 Drunkard s Child (The). 
 
 Eleventh Hour (The) 
 
 Emancipation of Man (The) 
 
 First Client I The 
 
 First Piano in Mining Camp (The) 
 
 Forty 
 
 Frit/ 's Courtship 
 
 Guardian Angel of Gloomy Gulch (The) 
 
 Gemini and Virgo 
 
 Gingerbread 
 
 Goi.t i The 
 
 Guilty or Not Guilty 
 
 Her i'etter 
 
 He Was Rather Deaf 
 
 Housekeeper s Soliloquy (, The). 
 
 How John Proposed. 
 
 Joe lord ' the Fireman. ' 
 
 John Chinaman's Protest 
 
 Leadvil'.e Jim. 
 
 Lemonade 
 
 LitUe Gift from Ireland (A) 
 
 Tlnnnil in tllumirt 
 
 Little Girl's Composition on * Rooms." 
 Tittle Maid s Au.eu (The) 
 Maclaine ? Child 
 Marry .Me Darlint ToNleht 
 Modern Shakespeare (The) 
 Movement Cure fur Rheumatism (The). 
 Moving Tale (A) 
 Mr. Pepnerprrass's Peroration. 
 Mum Sociable ( The I 
 Old Rodney and the Bull. 
 One Touch of Nature. 
 Orange and Green. 
 Othello s Apology. 
 Paradise Regained. 
 Pauper Law 
 Phaidrig Crohoore. 
 Rover 
 
 Sale of Old Bachelors (A). 
 Sal Parker s Ghost. 
 Selfish Drummer (The) 
 Spo^pendvke Wrestles with a Biey«l» 
 Station Master s St >ry (The). 
 Story of So- r,c Bells (The). 
 Tale of a Possum 
 Telmachus vs Mentor. 
 That Porterhouse Steak- 
 Tim O Brian s Wedding- 
 Tram ptng. 
 
 Washington. [Poetry ] 
 Washington. [Prose J 
 Water-Mill > The). 
 
 You Put No Flowers on Papa's Grave 
 Young Tramp t The) 
 
 c*t^r? i»nvpp T*rir»f> *> \ nan^a. 
 
New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed 
 Haney's Fancy Alphabets— For sign painters. This 
 
 nit It gives the fashionabi' f the day. and orij;- 
 
 inal d< beauty and uriiity Sign painters who want the 
 i rk experts should get this work, it will help you 
 tolteej »rsaudgel new ones 
 
 Home Recreations; or, Sow to Amuse the Young Foils — 
 
 rd fresh and agreeable entertainment for juvenile pari 
 
 j >, and the home circle it will rive many pleasant hours 
 
 and keep young folks out of mischief, and make them And employment, 
 
 :• home circle contentedly. Parents, get a copy by all n 
 
 rated 25 eta, 
 
 Horse-Shoer's Manual.— Includes preparation of foot, 
 
 hoes and their preparation, fitting, filing, nails and nailing, 
 g with leather, cutting, removing, etc. Also, Youatt's Tn 
 on l> Horses 1 Feet. Bonner's famous horse, Dexter, owed 
 much of his value to good shoeing, and with all horses it is of grave 
 importance. This book should be in the hands of every professional 
 horse-shoer, and every horse-owner .25 cts. 
 
 Houdin the Conjurer— This life of the famous French 
 
 Conjurer is full of interesting adventures, "more fascinating than fic- 
 tion." Illustrated with numerous engravings 50 cts. 
 
 How I Became a Ventriloquist.— Describing the methods 
 
 by which the author acquired the amusing art, and also his diverting 
 experience therewith 10 cts. 
 
 How t§ Make TJp for the Stage. — A practical illustrated 
 
 guide for amateur theatricals, charades, tableaux, etc. This is invalu- 
 able to any one getting up, or participating in, any of these entertain- 
 ments 15 cts. 
 
 Humors of Ventriloquism.— Full of the most entertain- 
 ing and laughable scenes, etc 10 cts. 
 
 Hunters and Trappers' Practical Guide,— This little 
 
 book has immense sale, and gives satisfaction every time. It is a prac- 
 tical guide to gunning and rifle shooting, tells how to choose arms and 
 ammunition, about different kinds of game, making and using traps, 
 and nets, baits and baiting trailing game, preserving, dressing, 
 tanning, and dyeing skins and furs ; season for trapping, hints to trap- 
 ore hunting, pigeon catching, camping out; sporting vocabulary, 
 - for sportsmen, secret of successful fishing. It has more m- 
 ■ ion than books costing Si to $2, and must not be confounded 
 with any catchpenny. It has fifty engravings. .. .......... ^0 cts. 
 
 Impromptu Speaker.— This is not a collection of set 
 
 it guides the speaker in making his own. To point out the 
 
 Unary occasions of impromptu speech making. 
 
 b aid as may be useful, are the aims of this little tn-a- 
 
 'A'hile avoiding formal ruh-s and elaborate disquisitions, ear) 
 
 clearly the things to avoid, as well as the things 
 
 In both th iid the manner of the speech, and the 
 
 particular points of etiquette to Ue ouserved 25 cts. 
 
 EXCELSJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, NY- 
 P O Box J HI. 
 
New and Popular Books sent Free of Postage at Prices Annexed 
 
 Art of Training Animals. — A complete guide for ama- 
 teur or professional trainers, giving all the secrets and mysteries of 
 the craft, and showing how all circus tricks, and all feats of all per 
 forming animals — from elephants to fleas— are accomplished. It al^o 
 has an improved system of horse and coit breaking, breaking and 
 training sporting dogs, care and tuition of song, talking, and perform 
 ing birds, snake charming, bee taming, and many other things, making 
 a large, handsome volume of over 2UU pages and 60 illustrations. It 
 would take a page of this catalogue merely to mention wnat the book 
 contains. Every farmer and animal-owner will find this book valuable, 
 and every boy who has dogs or other pets will find it a source of 
 endless amusement. One gentleman writes us that his boys have 
 organized quite a circus with their pets, who have oeen taught 
 amusing and wonderful tricks from our book, and he proposes get, 
 ting them a little tent. Remember this book at the holidays. It is a 
 good present 50cts, 
 
 (An edition embracing also The Horseshoer's Manual and Youatt's 
 Treatise on Diseases of the Horse's Foot, in one handsome cloth-bounvj 
 volume, at $1.00.) 
 
 Art of Wood Engraving, — A practical instructor by 
 which any one can learn a good trade. Many young ladies have had 
 gratifying success, and executed very creditable and profitable work 
 after a few months practice. Profusely illustrated 25 cts. 
 
 Artist's Manual.— A practical guide to Oil and "Water- 
 Color Painting. Crayon Drawing, etc. By James Beard and other emi* 
 neut artists. Now that so many are taking up art studies, this book 
 meets a want which can be filled by no other single volume. It is very 
 clear, full, and explicit, and teaches the best methods. Mr, Beard is 
 widely and favorably known as an artist and writer, and his book may 
 therefore be relied upon. It gives the able and conscientious aid of an 
 expert, hence is peculiarly helpful. Illustrated 50 cts. 
 
 Bad Memory Made Good, and Good Made Better. — Shows 
 
 how a wonderful power of memory may be acquired by a simple art, 
 readily, and enables its possessor to achieve feats incomprehensible to 
 those ignorant of the secret. It will be of great assistance to teachers, 
 pupils, and professional men generally. Clergymen and speakers will 
 save much time hy its chapter on Speaking without Notes ; students 
 preparing for examination will be greatly aided . . 15 cts. 
 
 Baker's Manual,— This is a practical instructor in all 
 branches of the business, including American, French, and German 
 styles of work, pastry, cake, and various kinds of bread, biscuit, etc. 
 lt'gives many novelties wiios^ recipes are sold at high prices, and any 
 baker will find it pay him to get this book A good idea of the real 
 Vcilue of this book is given by the fact that the only similar work, 
 scarcely as large, has been selling to the trade for $5 a" copy. Any in- 
 telligent cook can make the must palatable and attractive articles with 
 the aid of our plain and simple directions. Special attention is directed 
 to the line of fashionable cakes and pastries. The breadmaking in- 
 struction is also very reliable and covers every variety 50 cts. 
 
 EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 & 31 Beekman St., New York, N.Y, 
 P. O. Box 1144. 
 
Excelsior Recitations and Readings. 
 
 ISTo. 1. 
 Designed and Arranged fo/ Public and Parlor Recitation and Reading, 
 
 I l >ream. The. 
 
 i raking. 
 
 I 
 
 icral, a. 
 
 i 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Froward i i 
 Grannie's Plcl are. 
 I!.- Hud 
 
 lusband ? 
 How We Fought the Fire. 
 
 i m Liars. In Dtr Shweed Long Ago. 
 
 rned Chair. Intensely Utter, 
 pountr/m&n at tne Show, Inventor's Wife, The. 
 The. Irrepressible Yankee, The 
 
 IDT, The. Jim's Kids. 
 
 tow, Tiie. A Boy's Com- Lit ' lo Meg and I. 
 position. Lost Grave. The, 
 
 ke Walk. Marriage Toor, A. 
 
 Death-BeJ of Benedict Marry's Lamb. 
 
 Arnold. Miner's Protege, The. 
 
 Drummer's Hide, The. Modern Sermon, A. 
 liking Love, i Music Grinders, The. 
 Ninety-eight 
 
 Erin's 
 
 on the Klepharit. 
 Father Profit's Sermon. 
 Fireman's Story, The. 
 Fish. rue. 
 
 Free Seat, \. 
 
 led Face Girl, The 
 
 No, 5 Collect St 
 
 Not Opposed to Matri- 
 mony. 
 Old Actor's Story, The. 
 Old Sergeant, The. 
 On the Other Train 
 
 Frenchman's Version of Oratory and the Press. 
 Young Norval. Original Love Story, An. 
 
 Bound in illuminated paper cover. - 
 
 Our Ftrsl Cigars, 
 'a Lament. 
 
 P irson snow ■- Broad Hint 
 
 i huip Barton. Eugiueer. 
 i iph Alhuin, The. 
 
 Railway Matinee. A. 
 
 Religious Card Player. 
 
 Robert Emmet. 
 
 Romance of a Hammock. 
 
 Shoemaker's Daughter, 
 
 The. 
 Smiting the "Rock. 
 Solomoni&iu. 
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 Stage Driver's Story, Trie. 
 
 Supper of St. Gregory, Tho 
 
 Tale of the Tenth Hussars 
 
 Test, A. 
 
 That Queen. 
 
 Trying to Lick the 
 
 Teacher. 
 Unknown Dead. 
 Widder, The. 
 Widow's Son, The. 
 Woman at Poker. 
 
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 Anx Italiens. 
 Bells of Shandon. 
 Bishop of Boas, The. 
 Building and Being. 
 Charity Dinner, The. 
 Connor. 
 Crazy Kate. 
 
 on. 
 Death of tho Old Squire, 
 
 Dot iiaby on" Mine. 
 
 i nf Three. The. 
 Duel l If Shott 
 
 and Mr. N 
 
 The. 
 
 ISTo. 2- 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 iKatrina's Visit to New Providence Pulled him 
 1 York. Through. 
 
 Legend of Innisfallen, The Rag-picker, The. 
 lLost and Found. Shipwrecked. 
 
 Maniac, The. Soft Guitar, The. 
 
 ,Mr. Fisher's Bereavement. Song of the Sh'rt. 
 My Neighbor's Baby. Spring House-cleaning. 
 
 |Nora Murphy and the Story of the Faithful Soul. 
 
 Spirits. Street Cries. 
 
 Occupant of Lower No. 3, That Woman Played De- 
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 Old Man Goes to Town, Tirzah Ann's Summer 
 
 The. Trip. 
 
 Oration on the Labor To Draw or Not to Draw. 
 ion. Treadw iter Jim. 
 
 hoolgirl, Over the Hill from the Two Glasses, The. 
 
 Poor Hon Uncle [ke's Roosterfl 
 
 unrt. 
 j B y " Played. 
 
 a Hen. 
 To •. 
 
 I'he. 
 
 Over the Hill to the Poor What Intemperance Does 
 
 Bod What Made Him Glad. 
 
 Paddy's Reflections on Widow Cummiskey, Tho. 
 ra's Needle. Wickedest Man la Men>- 
 
 ol Red Calico. I phis. 
 
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Burdett's Dramatic Recitations and Readings. 
 
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 Baron's Last Banque>;,The. ! Forgive,— No, Never. 
 
 Benediction, The. 
 
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 Death. 
 
 Death-bed of Benedict Ar- 
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 Death of the Drunkard, 
 The. 
 
 Death of King John. 
 
 Death of Murat. 
 
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 The. 
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 Dream of Eugene Aram, 
 The. 
 
 Dying.Hebrew, The. 
 
 Education. 
 
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 Fearless DeCourcy, The. 
 
 Flight for Life, The. 
 
 Forgotten Actor, The. 
 Galley-Slave. The. 
 Game Knut Played, The. 
 Ivan, The Czar. 
 Jean Goello's Yarn. 
 King Robert of Sicily. 
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 Legend of the Church oF 
 
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 Legend of a Veil. 
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 Little Ned. 
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 Rescue, The. 
 
 Richelieu ; or, the Con« 
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 Sea Captain's Story, The. 
 
 Spanish Page, The. 
 
 Three Words (The), Ar- 
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 Tiger Bay. 
 
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 Two Loves and a Life. 
 
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 BlIRDETT'S NEGRO DIALECT RECITATIONS AND HUMOROUS READINGS. 
 
 Containing the latest and best hints of modern Negro Ministrelsy, being by fa* 
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 An Examination in History. ' Kentucky Philosophy. IShip of Faith, The. 
 
 Apples: an Original Negro Mahsr John. Solium Fac\ A. 
 
 Marcellino's Conversion. |Sunday Fishin'. 
 
 Marriage a Mighty Serious Teco Brag's Lecture. 
 
 Lecture. 
 Bad Churchman, A. 
 Blind Ned. 
 Brother Anderson. 
 Brother Gardner and Judge 
 
 Cadaver. 
 Brother Gardner on Music. 
 Brudder Bones's Love 
 
 Scrape. 
 Brudder Plato Johnson's 
 
 Sermon. 
 
 Thing. 
 Momma Phcebe. 
 Negro Aphorisms. 
 44 Nigger Made Happy." 
 il No Party To-Night." 
 Old Daddy Turner. 
 Old Hostler's Experience, 
 
 The. 
 
 Ole Man's" Lament, The. 
 
 "Business" in Mississippi. Old Sambo Puzzled. 
 
 Caesar Rowan. 
 
 Christmas Baby, The. 
 
 Christmas Night in the 
 Quarters. 
 
 Colored Preacher's Relig- 
 ious Experience, A. 
 
 Darky Bootblack, The. 
 
 Darky Preacher, The. 
 
 Darky's Story, The. 
 
 De Cake Walk. 
 
 Devil's Ride, The. 
 
 First Banjo, The. 
 
 Half-Way Doings. 
 
 How Persimmons Took 
 Cah ob de baby. 
 
 Ter'ble 'Sperience, A. 
 
 Terpsichore in the Flat 
 Creek Quarters. 
 
 Three Wishes, The. 
 
 Uncle Anderson on Pros- 
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 Uncle Billy and the Civil 
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 Uncle Eph Kimble's Mis- 
 take. 
 
 Old Si Pilots a 'Possum Uncle Gabe's White Folks. 
 
 Hunt. |Ur.cle Ike's Roosters. 
 
 Parson Snow's Broa d Hint.|Uncle Joel. 
 Pine Town Darky D ebating Uncle Ned's Defence. 
 
 Society. The. 
 Plar Nation Song, A. 
 Precepts at Parting. 
 Professor Barbour's E xperi- 
 
 ment. 
 
 Uncle Pete and Marss 
 
 George. 
 Uncle Reuben's Baptism. 
 V. ar of Races, The. 
 
 Whar's de Kerridge ? " 
 
 Rev. Plato Johnson Visits What's a Dolla to a Man 
 
 New York, The. 
 Rev. Uncle Jim's Sermon, 
 
 The. 
 Sambo's Dilemma. 
 Sam's Feast. 
 
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