PN 6173 .118 Copy 1 01ass_ foH3 Book__4^— MORE MISERIES!! ADDRESSED TO THE MORBID, THE xMELANCHOLY, AND THE IRRITABLE. By SIR FRETFUL MURMUR, Knt. Woes Cluster — rare are solitary ^oes They love a train— they tread each others heel." i.cHB/ Printed by W. Clowes, Villhrs' 5*7*1, FOR H^ D. SYMONDS, PATERNOSTER-^^ngftS'B MATHEWS AND LEIGH, 1 8 5 STRAND. 1806. TO GEORGE COLMAN, Esq. Dear Sir, THOSE who know you, as we do superior beings, by their works only, and those who enjoy the happiness of your friendship, will, no doubt, at first, wonder that a book upon Miseries should be ad- dressed to the Author of Broad Grins, to one whose wit ever bril- liant, yet ever amiable, has so often augmented the felicities of life : DEDICATION. but they will immediately perceive how closely you are connected with my dismal subject, when they re- flect upon the misery which you frequently occasion ; as the Cur- tain descends upon your Drama, and they reach the last line of your literary productions, or the hour that is to separate them from your Society- In the name of Misery therefore, I address these pages to you, and remain, Dear Sir, Your crabbed Friend, F. MURMUR- TO THE PUBLIC. I THOUGHT of asking a friend of mine who edited one of the best cookery books in our language to retouch and beau- tify Sir Fretful Murmur's introductory memoir, and his letters, but as they are intelligible and moreover as the worthy Knight would not like to appear in patch work, though many of the pieces were of satin ; I have ventured to lay his effusions before the Public just as I received them from Fen Lodge. GILES WHIMRLE. MEMOIR. NATURE having made me one of those gossamer, sensitive beings upon whom the breath of Heaven cannot blow without creating more or less agitation, I amused myself last year with keeping a Diary of Vexations which I at first called Rencontres Facheux, till being fretted into a mortal anti- pathy against the French I changed that title for Vexatious Trifles, intending to produce them one day or another to prove to the world, by what tiny circumstances, the tranquillity of an irritable man may be dis- turbed. I moreover found that to describe MEMOIR. Ill these teasing troubles was to disarm them of their sting, and that one might as quietly contemplate them afterwards as a fine lady might a mouse in a cage, until she wondered that so diminutive an animal could have an- noyed her, and resolved that the scratching and midnight rambles of its kindred should alarm her no more in future. With all these good and right benevolent intentions in my head and heart, 1 found my- self in part delightfully anticipated by " The u Miseries of Human Life ; or, The Groans H of Samuel Sensitive, and Timothy Testy, (< with a few Supplementary Sighs from " Mrs. Testy" The writer of this whimsical work, has with exquisite power of elucida- tion delineated many of the disquietudes which 1 endured, but as some of that de- scription and others which my acquaintance* A 2 IV MEMOIR. have suffered remained untold, I thought with tny friend Whimble's assistance, that I could send another little Catalogue of Petty Tor- ments into the world, that the morbid, the melancholy, and the irritable may taste the peculiar felicity of having in their possession a full enumeration of the various causes of those grievances which force us to go groan- ing on in our pilgrimage through life, in imitation of some persons who always pre- serve in cotton the extracted tooth, or in a phial the worm which have tormented them. This is the first time, I ever appeared in prints but with the terror of battalions of Reviewers before me who suffer nothing however tiny, to escape their keen and ardent eye, I have ventured to present my little volume to the Public in a dress completely different from that of my able forerunner in MEMOIR. V the Valhy of Tears, with my name boldly though not proudly affixed to it. I have one objection however to the work which 1 have spoken of with so much admi- ration, viz. to the numerous latin quotations with which it abounds, but which I candidly confess arises in no inconsiderable degree from myhaving forgotten nearly all the latin which the birch drove into my head, through rather a circuitous passage, w r hen I was at school : in all other respects the Miseries of Human Life art enviable. The troubles of our earthly pilgrimage miay be divided into three classes Imaginary Miseries Minor Miseries and Mighty Miseries, Tl MEMOIR. The first are produced by brains suffi- ciently distempered to cherish such shadowy evils without playing off any other eccen- tricity : they make the rich man think that want and famine are about to seize him, and the vigorous man lhat he is the victim of more than half the diseases enumerated in the Family Physician. As these miseries supply the want of substantial affliction, they cannot be too forcibly recommended to those who are blessed with so much felicity that they would be puzzled to create a wish which cannot be gratified. Shakespeare whose chequered life enabled him experi- mentally to characterize this sort of visi tation describes it to be •= ~" False Sorrow's eye which for things true weeps things imaginary" MEMOIR. Vll These visionary fiends though viewless as the winds are frequently as mischievous, and aided by a green metropolitan fog, and a north easter in November, are the very best friends that Suicide can call her own. Under their inspiring influence, a female friend of mine in the enjoyment of a pretty, and healthy person, and about two thousand per annum, took to solitary cabinet bibbing until mounted upon the curling vapour of cherry brandy and ratifia, her gentle spirit evaporated into thin air ; and a fine dashing fellow whom I have frequently met in society of which he was the soul, at the age of thirty, rich, vigorous, and for ever laughing, left upon his table a note addressed to me, declaring that the only reason which had induced him to place the muzzle of a pistol to his head was that he was completely tired Vlii MEMOIR, of the intolerable repetition of putting hi$ breeches on every day. In the fashionable world, these evils fre- quently deaden the lustre of the most brilliant candelabra, whilst those who tread the paths of rural humility are too industrious to b§ unhealthy, and have not time to be un- happy. However if I possessed the power of expelling those evils, family considera* tions would induce me to forbear : I have a first cousin who is a fashionable physician in high practice whose pocket imaginary evils fills with substantial good. With respect to Minor Miseries, wha they want in size they make up in number and variety. We may escape the pressure of gigantic evil, and never feel an imaginary one, but even the Child of For- MEMoiR. ix tune, and an angel in temper cannot elude those musquito vexations which just curl without agitating our tranquillity, and which like the Lilliputian arrows that in showers, made Gulliver roar with anguish, affect us by quick succession in close column* when singly they are perfectly harmless* Such are the miseries contained in the fol- lowing pages. The huge calamities of life require no illustration — may no reader of mine be ever brushed by the tail of their storm. This essay, the first I ever wrote, being over, I shall conclude by giving a very brief account of myself. My father and mother, weak as hot* X MEMOIR. house plants, died in the prime of life of declines, leaving five children, (having had eight) of whom I and Dorothea were left the shivering survivors, they dropping off in consumptions, generally preceded by the rupture of blood vessels. The founders of Rome were nourished by a wolf, and I owed my preservation to the milk of a she ass, which to this hour makes me reverence the long eared race with almost filial affection. I remember (always having asingular facility or rather genius for weeping,) that upon the death of a brother when I was ten years old, I wept so copiously, that my mother was quite charmed with me, praised me very much for it, and turning round to a sister who was one j-^ar younger than myself, who was amusing herself with her doll, said" There," Fanny, u look at your Brother Fretful, see how he MEMOIR. XI MORE MISERIES. SI conceal it, that you have not read one word of it. Attending private theatricals, where the gentlemen performers always press near the prompter's side, always hur- ry over passages in order to catch every word before it slips from the memory, one performer not giving the cue word, or giving it, not re- membered by the other who plays with him, standing like posts when they have nothing to say, and using their legs and arms as if they had been just bestowed upon them. In chambers, having only one room with a fire place, the throat of c 4 32 MORE MISERIES. the chimney perpetually disgorging large volumes of smoke, the blacks falling about you as thick as snow, until your eyes are sore, opening the doors and windows and perishing with cold in the front of an immense fire— a large party to dine with you, and one of them much affected with an asthma. Asking a lady to permit you to look at a beautiful string of very small pearls, breaking it in two, scattering them over the floor, and crushing se- veral under your feet in endeavouring to collect them. Moistening the only wafer in the MORE MISERIES. 33 house, so long in your mouth, that upon taking it out you find it like a bit of rotten pear. In endeavouring to fold a letter up very neatly, splitting the corners, with your ivory knife. Striking your foot against another step after you had concluded that you had reached the top of the stairs. Upon a journey, having made some important memorandums in your pocket book, with a soft pencil, and finding every letter rendered illegible, — a bad memory. 34 MORE MISERIES. Breaking jour spectacles a con- siderable distance from any town. Arriving in the winter, at the Glou- cester Coffee-House in the western mail at six o'clock of a cold drizzly morning, and finding the only ser- vant up engaged in scouring the back parlour, into which you are shewn. To be obliged frequently to meet in company a man, who opposes every remark for the purpose of starting an argument, in which he is always more vociferous than convincing. Being asked to dine with an author, and after dinner his pulling out a MORE MISERIES- 35 long manuscript and reading until you must inevitably fall asleep, were you not constantly kept on the qui vive, by his asking you how you like this passage, and how that. 56 MORE MISERIES. LETTER HI. Fen-Lodge, I AM glad to find by your letter, my dear Whi ruble, that you like my miseries. Vexations described, and vexations felt are very different, so much so, that I can now even laugh whilst I pourtray many of those grievances, which I endured, and without a smile, I assure 3011. In addition to the miseries which I send you, as I know you like whimsical things, laugh if you like at the following anecdote which occurred yesterday, in exercising our volunteers, by the bye, I ought to preface it by observing, that I admire the volunteer system, as much as any man, though in my poor opinion, your great men at St. Stephens made a sad blunder in permitting a volunteer to hold any rank but in his own particular description of service. Now for the anecdote— In the absence of the Captain of our volunteers, the Lieutenant, a MORE MISERIES. 37 respectable farmer, had the command of the company; this worthy Officer, wanting to halt his men, who were marching in a most irregular manner, could not recollect the word " halt," in this dilemma, he cried out, " wooee, wooee, woo, wooee, mv boys" when the whole body imme- diately halted. Dorothea seems more composed : she has not yet heard from Mr. Debit, but if I know any thing of human nature she speedily will. Ever yours, F. MURMUR. Toasting a bit of bread at the end of a short dessert fork, before a good brisk fire, and burning the ends of your fingers without being able to toast it to your liking. Being surrounded by a parcel of 38 MORE MISERIES. spoiled, squalling brats, 'till you are almost induced to think favourably of Herod. Attending ladies on a shopping ex- cursion. A fine overture playing, and a noisy audience. To hear nineteen prologues out of twenty. Being incessantly pestered to eat more, after you have made a hearty dinner. Rubbing the back of your hand by MORE MISERIES. 39 mistake against the liquefying gum of a plumb tree. At a game at forfeits saluting a pret- ty looking girl, and finding that her teeth are not aromatic pearl. The miseries in the shape of mis- takes, which two persons of the same name, residing within four doors of each other, experience. In frosty weather descending a slippery piece of ground, here and there covered with thin hard ice, slipping down, in falling, laying hold of the ancle of a lady with whom you are walking, said lady somewhat stric- 40 MORE MISERIES. ken in years, and drawing her after you. Sleeping over your wine, gradually driving your glass to the edge of the table and then by another somnolent movement, throwing it over a new pair of leathers. Climbing a cherry tree to gratify a young lady, and splitting your small clothes, just as you are gracefully stretching to knock off some of the ripest cherries into her handkerchief, which she holds below. Hearing ladies talk politics. MORE MISERIES. 41 A female pun — a rare misery! Having succeeded in fixing yourself in a most seducing, and graceful at- titude, letting your cocked hat fall. Making several memorandum knots in your handkerchief, and forgetting the important cause of every one of them. Knocking at a door, and by a hor- rible and unaccountable lapse of me- mory, forgetting the name of the master or the mistress of the house. Having made a trip to Paris, during 42 MORE MISERIES. the short peace, being bored to death, by every soul you meet with, to de- scribe Bonaparte. A collector of natural curiosities worrying you with a description of his invaluable tortoiseshell boar cat, his kitten with three eyes, his pig with one ear, &c. &c. Being conducted by an enthusiastic agriculturist round an extensive farm, having no taste whatever for the breed- ing of sheep, fattening pigs, new in- vented draining and threshing ma- chines, &c. &c. Being seized with a violent bowel MORE MISERIES. 43 complaint, whilst you are riding on horseback with two young ladies, to one of whom you are paying your addresses, being obliged to alight in great confusion, telling your fair companions, that there is an ex- quisite bit of scenery round a hedge, which they have just passed, and which you should like very much to sketch, assuring them that you will return in five minutes, and remem- bering afterwards that it was well known you never drew in your life. Being required by a garrulous old lady, to know where she left off in a long story, which she was relating to you, she having been interrupted in 44 MORE MISERIES. the middle of it by the fall of the fire- screen, or the servant delivering a message to her, not being able to in- form her, in consequence of not having attended to one word that she had been saying. Being invited to meet a party of literary men from whom you expect much pleasure, upon your arrival finding them all at cards, and the only person unoccupied, a boisterous country gentleman, who can talk of nothing but hounds and horses, and thinks he shows his good breeding by perpetually speaking to you. In the Volunteers—being short and MORE MISERIES. 45 fat, cased in fleecy hosiery, at the instance of your fond wife, to guard against the effect of. sudden showers, having the command of a small at- tacking party of light infantry at a sham fight, and encountering stiles, gates and hedges at least ten thousand sharp stubs and stumps in the course of your evolutions—day very sultry. Passing with a shy horse in a gig in a narrow part of the Strand, the paviors repairing a broken water pipe on one side of you, and a long hea- vily laden coal cart approaching you on the other, the driver talking to a friend a little way behind, in this dilemma affecting to look cool and 46 MORE MISERIES, collected with dismay in your soul, and the perspiration starting from every pore. Having just composed yourself to take a nap on your sofa, eternally tor- mented by two flies, in the middle of October, whom you could almost swear to, but cannot catch, and who judiciously prefer alighting and wash- ing their hands and faces on your nose and forehead, to regaling on an adjoining saucer full of sweet poison. After keeping within door* three days, from horrible nervous dislike tQ an east wind, which by the weather* cock fronting your chamber, lias beep MORE MISERIES. 47 blowing all the time, to be told by a wag that he had fastened the vane due east, whilst it had been blowing due zvest all the time. Shooting Chelsea Bridge in a sailing boat, and not lowering the mast in time, whh is broken by the ren- contre, the vessel lying like a log in the water, yourself exposed to the laugh of spectators on the bridge above and the criticizing derision of the waterman below. Tempted by a fine summer evening to take an easy row on the water, and on your endeavours to display your skill in feathering your oar, as a party 48 MORE MISERIES. passes by, losing one of your sculls, which being lighter, goes faster than the boat, and being perplexed by a mob of modes pointed out by the persons who observe your distress for recovery of the said skull. Entering upon any of the bridges of London, or any of the passages lead- ing to the Thames, being as sailed by a group of watermen, holding up their hands and bawling out, " Oars, Sir, " Sculls, Sir, Sculls, Sir, Oars, Sit." Upon paying the first visit after the funeral of a relation, a distant cousin for instance, to the immediate friends of the deceased, finding them MORE MISERIES. 49 all in tears from some unaccountable counteraction of nature, not being able to look grave upon the occa- sion. Having so flaccid a cheek that the parish barber who shaves you, is obliged to introduce his thumb into your mouth to give it a proper pro- jection; cutting his thumb in this position, with the razor. Handing round, when a child, a plate of plumb cake, and seeing the last bit left, on which you had fixed your eye and heart, taken by one of the party. 50 MORE MISERIES. Stepping out of a boat at low water in pumps, well-dressed, upon a stone which slides under you and you des- cend ankle deep in mud. Going to the Theatre on a very crowded night, waiting an hour in the pit passage half jammed to death, re- ceiving a dreadful kick on the ankle in making a desperate effort to stoop down to rub it, finding your hand in the coat pocket of the man who stands opposite to you, and gradually with- drawing it with indescribable horror, so as just to escape being taken up for a; pick-pocket. Travelling in a mail-coach one hun- MORE MISERIES. 51 dred and eighty miles, and all the way having your nose offended by the most horrible stench, which each of the passengers thinks proceeds from his neighbour, and upon arriving at the Swan with Two Necks, Lad-Lane, discovering that the mauvaise odeur issued from a putrid hare in one of the seats, which owing to the careless- ness of the guard has been permitted to perform two journies to town. A long dead calm at sea in a Dutch galliot, during a short passage, bad accommodations and provisions nearly exhausted. Being tormented by a flea during d 2 38 MORE MISERIES. a visit crawling up and down the leg under the boot, so that the nails can administer no relief. Upon returning from a Tour to the Continent, being asked by every one you meet for your private opinion of things in general. In a party being suddenly over- whelmed with a disposition to sleep, nodding every now and then, and giving an answer to a question put by a person Who does not perceive that you are between sleeping and waking which you fear may have no connec- tion with the question. MORE MISERIES. 53 Ditto ineffectually rousing yourself and endeavouring by random com- ments upon those shattered portions of the conversation which you have heard, to make it appear that you have been as attentive as the rest of the party. Sleeping in a dark room, in a dark night, in a strange house, and after being kept awake by the most mys- terious sounds for three hours, at length beginning to be satisfied that they pro- ceed from an unusually active mouse, d 3 54 MORE MISERIES, LETTER IV. Ftn-Lodgc. DEAR WHIMBLE, YOU made me smile at the account of your interview with Lord D His Lord- ship is certainly not one of the wise men of the east ; the repetition of his silly question which you had previously answered, reminds me of the story of a princess who asked a lady who was presented to her, how many children she had^ to which she replied, three ; about a quarter of an hour afterward, the princess met her again, and not knowing what to say, put the same ques- tion to her, to which she answered "that not (i having lain in since her highness had asked " her the same question she had still only three " children." MORE MISERIES. 55 Debit has made the first advances to a re- conciliation, so I hope all things will go on smoothly, notwithstanding the war. I have the happiness of sending you some more miseries, and remain, Ever yours, F. MURMUR. Having lost your way, being in great haste, and asking a stuttering family to direct you to the place of your destination. Trying to pass a man who wad- dles. Being asked by an absent man to D4 56 MORE MISERIES. dinner, and upon your arriving at his house finding him just set off for the country. A melancholy man dying of the hip seeing a hearse draw up and stop be* fore his door. — P. S. The coachman gone to the public house, so that there is no possibility of removing it. The wife of a Clerk in a public of- fice at a low salary, producing twins once a year. Having long supporters and sitting opposite to a prudish old maid in a mail coach on a long journey, who refuses to MORE MISERIES. 57 open her leg^ to admit yours, which are tingling in every toe with the agony of compression. Having a long back, and discovering that the irons which fasten the back of the seat in a boat, are disordered. Being squeezed in a crowd, and hav- ing a little dwarf with red hair, jam- med up against you, immediately under your nose. Crossing a yard, and unexpectedly finding yourself within the extent of the chain of a large surly house-dog ? affecting boldly to look him in the face. 58 MORE MISERIES. and in an agony of horror, gradually stealing away from him. Having your portrait finely painted in crayons, spoiled by your favourite Newfoundland dog, who struck with the resemblance, begins licking it, whilst the servant is cleaning the glass and frame. Soon after you have comfortably seated yourself in the drawing room of a fashionable family in the country, where you are to sleep for the night, having your comb and night-cap taken out of your pocket and laid on the floor, by a pert, spoiled, impudent MORE MISERIES. 59 child, 'and finding the room in a titter at your expence. Being obliged to attend a very ab- sent man to a party of prudish ladies, and being fearful that every moment he will say or do something highly improper. Compelled by politeness when you are upon a visit at a house, to dance two dances with each of half a dozen ladies belonging to it, at the assize ball, all of whom are either ugly, lame, or in- sipid, and having no opportunity all the evening of going down one dance with a lovely young lady to whom you are attached, 6*0 MORE MISERIES. Having a refusal to an offer of mar- riage sent by an inquisitive maid ser- vant, before the wafer is dry. Being obliged to hear a stupid fel- low boggle at a speech after dinner, upon being informed that his health has been drank, during his absence from the room* Receiving an insipid answer to a letter from a very absent man, who in his forgetfulness has folded up four sheets of paper instead of one, and for which you have the happiness of paying a heavy additional postage. Hastily marrying a lady, and af- MORE MISERIES. 6 1 terwards discovering that she has an unroselike breath. Being requested to say something to entertain the party. Opening arid shutting a drawer which has swelled by the damp. Adjusting long unsettled accounts with a peevish partner, or an ignorant and suspicious tradesman. Sitting for your portrait to a subor- dinate painter who renders the likeness with such exasperating exactness, that every pimple, blotch and blemish in the face are faithfully represented. 62 MORE MISERIES, Plunging for a rhyme to a good line and after many desperate efforts, being obliged to tag another, which either contains the same sentiments which breathes in the first, or one which has no affinity to your subject. Hearing an ode of your own com- position, which you think pregnant with pindaric fire and sublimity, called " pretty/' Sending your hunter over night to cover, twenty miles off, riding your hack and to the anxious enquiry as to the state of your hunter's health, your groom informs you that he is dead lame. MORE MISERIES. 6$ Being prevented from enjoying a days shooting, by unfortunately tum- bling into a wet ditch, covering your- self with mud, and filling your gun with water. Finding yourself sleepy, and being requested by the lady of the house, your particular friend, with whom you may make free, to take a nap: having comfortably composed your- self on the sofa, a waggish visitor with whom you are not sufficiently acquainted to authorize such a liberty, but whom you have seen too often to quarrel with on account of it, amuses himself and the party present, by tickling your nostrils with a piece of 64 MORE MISERIES. paper rolled up to a point, awaking, hoping that he will not repeat it, sleep- ing again, and finding the torment repeated. Being obliged to surrender a news- paper which you have just began to read, to another, whose prero- gative to the first perusal of it, you cannot dispute At a coffee house, changing the newspaper of the day with a gentle- man, which you have read about two parts through, for one which you think is a new one, and finding it the paper of yesterday. MORE MISERIES. 65 Expecting to read great news re- ceiving your newspaper quite wet from the press, the fire being just lighted. In a cold night, long legs, and a short camp bed. Dining with an avaricious fellow who has no idea of the comforts of a cheerful glass and conversation after dinner, or is unwilling to encourage them, being asked by him whether you will take a glass of wine or a walk. School misery— hearing the arrange- ments for a pleasant excursion to- morrow, when you are going to school to-night. 66 MORE MISERIES. Opening a very stiff box filled with small wafers, and spilling them all over the room. A door slowly turning upon a creak- ing hinge. Being a fag to a tyrannical boy, forced to get out of window at night, to procure wine from the inn for him, and discovered and flogged for it. In the midst of a merry story being suddenly forced to weep by the sudden operation of an excessive portion of patent and potent mustard. In attempting to quit a house in MORE MISERIES. 67 London on a Saturday evening, break- your shins against a pail, and receiv- ing the pole of a mop in your mouth* Swallowing a piece of crust the wrong way — several ladies present. Sitting down to dinner with a three pronged fork, each prong being of a different length. 68 MORE MISERIES. LETTER V. Fen-Lodge, CONGRATULATE me, my dear Whimble ! Dorothea is at length Mrs. Debit. I, who mortally detest all pomp and shew, was obliged to attend en gala, to give away the bride, who was preceded by six poor little girls, who are cloathed and educated at her expense, strewing flowers before her all the way. She was attired in the Brussels lace and jewels of our worthy mother and grandmother, and wore a wreath of jessamine round her head, and looked like the Dowager Goddess of May. Her silly appearance really made me splenetic — What a day we had ! — I thought I should have gone distracted with the jangling of our two old crazy bells, the third having been sold ten years since to enable the parish to purchase a clock— All was noise and MORE MISERIES. 69 confusion — Even the cats wore bridal favours. Heavens ! be praised, the happy pair are gone to your noisy city, and leave me in tranquillity- sufficient to send you a few more delectable miseries. Ever yours F. MURMUR. Being overpersuaded to stand up in a country dance, when you know, or what is equally bad, conceive that a bear would eclipse you in grace and agility. Relating a story to a fellow whose apprehension is so slow, that in the middle of a melancholy story; he begins 70 MORE MISERIES. laughing at a merry one which you told him half an hour before. The shrill brassy crowing of a hoarse bantam cock. Having only port wine in the house to offer to a man who drinks only white. Being awakened out of a sound sleep in the dead of a cold frosty blow- ing night, in a mail coach on the weather-side, by the agreeable address of " Sir, please to remember the guard " I go no farther with you 5 Sir." Relating a story very much to the MORE MISERIES. 71 credit of the hero of the piece, when a person very drily observes, that if it had not been for the name, he should have suspected that you were the very person, all the company showing, and (with great justice) that they think so too. Mis-directing your letter to a man whom you have quizzed in it most confoundedly* Riding in a full coach twenty miles to dinner, for want of which you are feint and exhausted, wishing to lean back, but not daring to do so, on ac- count of the back of the seat being be- 72 MORE MISERIES. grimmed with clots of powder and pomatum, you wearing no powder. Sending a challenge, requesting a timid friend to attend you to the field, who you think will not fail to acquaint the magistrate of it ; going with horror to the appointed spot, anxiously looking back every step to see if the Bow Street officers are coming, without success. Hastening in the gout to an election which it is supposed will last only a short time, the w heel of your carriage damaged so that you cannot proceed, at a great distance from any wheel- wright. MORE MISERIES. 73 Toasting a bit of cheese, and when it is more than half done, letting it fall into the ashes. Sleeping in a room with a loose window in a high wind, at the same time the chimney board being too small, and flying backwards and forwards. Going to the Theatre to see some distinguished play and performer, having places kept ; owing to some of the party not being ready in time, entering your box j ust as the first act is over, and observing the last bustle of a number of persons who have just descended into your front seats* and 74 MORE MISERIES. are all smirking and smiling to think themselves so very fortunate. Carving for a large party with a blunt carving knife. Being the first subject which a raw young surgeon's apprentice is per- mitted to try his professional skill and knowledge upon. Having a bill sent in, which you thought had been long since paid. Being shaved on the Cornish coast, in the pilchard season, by the parish barber, who embraces your nose with a thumb and finger stinking of said fish. MORE MISERIES. 75 At school, having pilfered a duck for supper, discovered by the half strangled bird quacking in your poc- ket, just as one of the masters passes by, and upon being taken up to be flogged, hearing two or three eggs fall from your breeches pocket after the first stroke of the rod. Wearing flannel drawers and waist- coat for the first time. In repeating some verses with un- common animation and emphasis, to a party on the water, tipping over • the side of the boat, and bein^ taken up, after a most mortifying ducking. 13 S 76 MORE MISERIES. Hearing that a young lady to whom you are ardently attached, and who you flattered yourself regarded you favourably, is displaying uncommon vivacity and spirits, at a distant wa- tering place, and that she is every where much admired. To be the child of a wet nurse, and sent to share with another infant, a nipple strongly impregnated with geneva, sky-blue and other nutritious liquors. In the country, going to a party to dinner, getting very tipsy, quitting the house in a dark night, and getting upon your horse with your MORE MISERIES. 77 face towards the tail, and wondering during; the few minutes that you are able to keep your seat, amongst the jeers of your companions, what freak can have entered the brain of the beast to go backwards. You may remember my telling the following story when I returned from France — it happened to my companion, and I dare say has happened to others, I have therefore recorded it as a misery. Having escaped from a French pri- son, with a false passport, travelling through France, without knowing the language, with a companion in your flight who speaks it fluently, halting e 3 78 MORE MISERIES. at an inn on account of his being taken very ill, and being obliged to feign sickness and to keep to your bed as long as he does, because if you move* out, without him, or attempt to speak, you ate sure of being discovered. Sleeping at an inn, giving your r % ight and left legged boots to be cleaned, and when you are awaked in the morn- ing and told that the mail is just set- ling off, calling for your boots, and having two left-legged boots brought up, swearing until you glow, at that distinguished personage called Boots, who after a long search is unable to find the right boot, and in consequence, being obliged to hop MORE MISERIES. 79 into the coach with one left boot, and a filthy slipper on, and another left boot in your hand. Ditto the equally unpleasant si- tuation of the person to whom the strange boot you carry away belongs, who after you are gone, finds himself in the possession of two boots, which will only fit his tight leg. I The following misery happened to a most worthy and respectable friend of mine, and I dare say has not been confined to him. Going to the House of Commons at an early hour to hear an inte- resting debate, and being shut up in e 4 80 MORE MISERIES. the gallery so long, that a mem- ber below just rising to address the Speaker, palpably discovers that na- ture has triumphed over decorum above, and upon the Deputy Usher of the Black Rod being sent up to discover the offender, betraying your- self by your blushes. A person very liable to have his teeth on edge, hearing a person cut- ting a cork. Having to cut open the leaves of a very popular book lent you only for a couple of hours, and perhaps for the sole purpose of saving the lender the trouble of opening them himself. MORE MISERIES. 81 Taking a walk in the garden of a friend with whom you are engaged to dine, unexpectedly passing by the Kitchen, and seeing the cookmaid chewing the parsley previous to mix- ing it with the butter for the fowls which you are to have for dinner, by which process she saves herself the very unnecessary trouble of boiling and chopping it. 82 MORE MISERIES. LETTER VI. Fen-Ledge. DEAR WHIMBLE, I FIND that my worthy brother in-law and his wife staid only two days in town, after which they proceeded to Brighton to spend the remainder of their blissful honeymoon. — I have, perhaps with the bitterness of an old grumbling bachelor, often regretted that mar- riage spoiled so many of our fine young women, as ornamental members of society. Methinks I see a mark of arch amazement start upon your face. It is even thus : how often are all the ac- complishments of an elegant young graceful creature, upon whom a costly education has been expended, suffocated in the baby-linen of her first child ? After she ©nee becomes a mother, the instrument upon which she excelled, is seldom unlocked, and the pencil with which she so MORE MISERIES. 83 finely drew, is never more pressed between the fingers. My worthy Sister will derive no injury from marriage, for her accomplishments were solely confined to pickling and preserving, which I think are not likely to be interrupted by the laughing blue eyes of any tender pledge of love : although the silly woman, and I cannot help telling it to you (for I have just been informed of it by old Sarah, who told it with a sly smile) actually purchased a stock of baby linen just before her marriage. I send MORE MISERIES —-add, prune or exterminate, as suits your fancy. Ever Yours, F. MURMUR. Jumping in sacks at a fair and in the midst of the diversion hearing that a mad bull is coming down the street. 84 MORE MISERIES. Being pinned up to a door round the neck by the horns of an enraged over-driven ox. An epicure in venison, being press- ed by a party of twelve equally fond of it, to carve. The following misery, somewhat long, actually- occurred to two of my friends, and I dare say may have happened to others. Going to a ball, becoming enamour- ed with your partner, procuring her name, and understanding that she was an only child, addressing the let- ter containing a tender display of your affections to Miss So-and-so, re- ceiving a favourable reply, rushing to MORE MISERIES. 85 the house, being introduced to an elder sister whom you had drawn for a partner in the course of the preceding evening without knowing it, who feels no objection to your person, and who of course concluding from the super- scription that the billet was intend- ed for her was disposed to receive your offer most graciously, being thunderstruck at the mistake, and covered with confusion being obliged in the most horribly awkward manner to explain. Ditto the Lady's sensations. At table after dinner hearing one of your children's little, but loud inv 86 MORE MISERIES. impromptus upon the pimples luxu- riantly budding out upon the nose of one of your visitors. Being obliged to hear and applaud a vulgar impudent school boy whilst he is repeating a speech from some play. Also to hear very young ladies raw from school play and sing and to see them dance figure dances, without grace or agility, the poor things being ready to burst into tears at every step they take. ■» The sensation of a school girl whilst she is comfortably picking a merry thought with her teeth, being angrily MORE M1SIRIIS. 87 told by her mother before a party to hold her head up. Being fumed with flattery to your face, by a miscreant, whom you have reasons to suspect, speaks ill of you behind your back. Walking upon Woburn sand with a Wooden leg. ^ Having your shin scraped by a large powerful man going down a dance with extraordinary agility and energy. A false calf shifting in a dance. Going to a house in the country ,the m MORE MISERIES. people of which, see very little com- pany, also being put into the best bed. T.nuq It raining hard and no coach to be had, borrowing at night a great coat, upon getting home finding the bottom of one end of your cocked hat and the cape and part of the back of your coat covered with pomatum and pow- der, you wearing none. Three times pitching your voice too high, when you are asked to sing be- fore a large party. Overwhelmed with bashfulness, sitting down to a piano forte, to play MORE MISERIES. 89 for the first time at a private concert, the music book being only high enough to conceal your chin from the com- pany whose eyes are fixed upon you. Cutting bread and butter with a knife, the handle of which has been touched by some one, whose fingers have come in contact with honey. Invited to dine in the city; having the reputation of a great genius with the party, you are pleased at seeing one of the guests take out his pocket book and pencil, and write as often as you speak, you push all your bril- liant puns and quaint sayings, after a 90 MORE MISERIES. little time you observe with timid mo- desty, that you must be careful, as your observations are recorded, upon which you are told, that the gentleman you allude to, is a great Fishmonger, and that he is merely writing down such thoughts as occurred on business, such as " twenty-two salmon by the " smack Arabella, &c." The first day of a boy going to a public school. A girl at school whose feet have a strong; natural inclination to turn to- wards each other, and who stoops pro- digiously, undergoing the grace- creating operations of collars, back- MORE MISERIES. 91 boards, stocks, neck-swings, dumb- bells, and all the new instruments of torture in Sheldrake's shop. In the holidays being asked several classical questions by a dry learned old man, in the presence of your father and a large party. A boy however naturally audacious with his playfellows, just come from school, and entering a room where there are six young ladies and no gen- tlemen present. The horror of contriving how to adjust ones legs and arms at the age of nineteen in a drawing room. 92 MORE MISERIES Getting the Caledonian Cremona, when you are just upon the point of marriage. Catching a violent ague in the first quartering of the honeymoon. Carving a very fine hot ham at din- ner, and lubricating your thumb, and third finger with the fat at every inci- sion, not to mention the almost inse- parability of the odour which in conse- quence perfumes those very serviceable members of the human body, Meeting a young lady the first time after an intended match is broken off (love tolerably, but not excessively MORE MISERIES. 93 deep) looking like two shy cats, each obliquely watching the other to see what degree of dejection the sepa- ration has produced. In the country asking a man whe- ther he will have port or white wine having only port in the house, when he gives the preference to white — No inn nearer than three miles. Listening to the criticisms and ar- guments of a learned lady. In a party to which a few days before you had introduced a very learned, but reserved friend for whom you wished to secure their favourable 94 MORE MISERIES. opinion, hearing a superficial elderlj lady, who had the reputation of being profound, remark that she had ex- amined him in philosophy, physic, and divinity, and could find nothing in him. Sitting in a gloomy small room looking into a dark narrow passage, the pavement of which is repairing. Going twelve miles to dinner, in doubtful weather, being anxiously tender for your horse, who has been bled the day before, upon your arrival, finding- your friend astonished that you had not received his note to post- pone the pleasure, on account of two MORE MISERIES. 95 of his children being in the small-pox, and one more sickening. Going to a house to dine, where you expected to sleep, finding the house full pressed to stay ^till the moon gets up, which at the expected hour is for the first time during its quarter, obscured by clouds, and in attempting to get home by a short cut, learn of a cot- tager, whom you arouse from his sleep, that you have driven four miles out of your way. Feeling a violent irritation in your head at a dinner party, and being afraid to apply even the nail of your little finger to the peccant part. 96 MORE MISERIES. When you are relating a narrative, which you only know superficially, finding all your little, and as you think successful flights of fancy detected by a cold, crabbed Disciple of truth and chronology. Going to town on purpose to receive your own dividend upon a sum which you understand is below the operation of the income tax, finding at the Bank a heavy deduction, and directed to make your appeal to the L — d knows who, and the L — d knows where. Being seized with a sneezing fit in going down a dance with a very de- licate fine lady. MORE MISERIES. 97 Being a bad carver and notwith- standing every diffident effort to elude the office, finding the only chair vacant when you enter the dining room last, placed opposite to a tough hare. Upon a water excursion, drinking out of the same tumbler, with another person, and immediately afterwards discovering that he has an unpleasant Up. The weather looking very fine, volunteering to give up your inside place for the box, in a full coach, to a lady who is uncommonly anxious to proceed in the same vehicle, soon after clouds rolling upon clouds, and 98 MORE MISERIES a deluge pouring down upon you — the coachman having only one great coat, and gallantry forbidding you to re- sume your place within. Losing the lash of your whip as you are driving in a Curricle, for the first time, in a town where a fair is holding. Reaching a town late at night, not knowing that the assizes are holding there — no bed, or room. MORE MISERIES. 99 LETTER VI. Fcn-Lcdgr 9 MY DEAR WHIMBLE, I told you that Mr. and Mrs. Debit staid only two days in town : they contrived however to display their taste by going to see Mrs. Siddons in Lady Macbeth ; accom- panied by our gay young friend, Swinburne; and they also contrived to exhibit one of the most vexatiously ridiculous scenes, ever performed before or behind the curtain of any theatre : poor Debit is very deaf, (and to have married my sister, I should have thought that he had been blind too :) in the celebrated scene when that inimitable actress electrifies the souls of her hearers, b) T whispering " out damned spot," Debit not knowing what she uttered, turned round to his wife, and loud enough to be heard in every part F2 100 MORE MISERIES. of the house, which was as silent as a tomb, ex- claimed "my dear what does she say ?" to which Dorothea replied, equally audibly, and forgetting where she was, " out damned spot, my dear" Silly woman ! had I been there, it would have put me into such a transport of irritability, that my nerves would have trembled for at least two months afterward. Swinburne wrote to me yes- terday, and told the whole story. All the people in the pit stood up, and every eye strained to see my rural sister and her cockney spouse ; whilst bursts of " turn them out, throw them f{ over!" resounded from the galleries. — I told you that they are now playing the fool at Brigh- ton, and I shall dread to open every letter that comes from that quarter. Heavens grant the defect in Debit's auricular organ may occasion no more such horrible consequences. I have been fretful ever since I heard of the affair, and should be ready to quarrel with myself if MORE MISERIES. 101 I had not found a little vent in sending you a few more effusions from the school of grief. Yours ever, F. MURMUR. Going early in the winter to a coffee house to read the papers in which you expect to meet with some very interest- ing matter, finding the fire not lighted* and the waiters just beginning to rub the tables, not a paper arrived. Miseriesof a lady who being asked to dine with a very particular family on a rainy day, in consequence of not be- ing able to get a coach, walks part of the way in boots, at length finds a ? 3 102 MORE MISERIES. coach, and upon taking off her boots to put on her shoes discovers that she has dropped one out of her muff in the street. Having made a newly-rolled gravel walk, finding some friends whom you had asked to dine with you, amusing themselves before dinner, by drawing each other in your child's chaise, which disastrously stood at the bot- tom of the garden, within sight, see- ing the narrow wheels cut up the walk most unmercifully, and being deter- red by a false notion of politeness from giving them a hint to desist. Being persuaded to put your finger MORE MISERIES. 103 into the cage of a parrot and to rub his pole, upon an assurance from its doating mistress, that it is the most gen- tle bird in the universe, suddenly feel- ing the sanguinary effects of its beak. In walking down stairs in the dark, coming to a forcible stop in conse- quence of being deceived in your ex- pectation of another step. Going a bye way to a friend's house on horseback, through a number of gates, and finding the last locked. Sending a challenge to a man be- cause you thought him a coward, who accepts it. f 2 104 MORE MISERIES. Introducing a country cousin to your table, when you have a party of fashionables, and when the finger glasses are brought in, sweating to the bone, on seeing him awkwardly imitate the rest by driving his fist into one, and breaking it to extricate his pon- derous paw. Knocking in the dog days, at the door of a house with a southern as- pect, the sun in its meridian, and the servant in the back attic. Buying a sixpenny bargain of a Jew who in exchange for a seven shilling piece gives you a counterfeit dollar. MORE MISERIES. 105 Four persons in a room, three of whom are doatingly fond of whist, and the fourth not knowing the game. In a very rainy day, volunteering to procure a hackney coach for a lady, and after an hour's search, seeing one j ust come upon the stand, which is engaged by somebody else, the mo- ment you reach it. Your bad memory faintly flashing conviction upon your mind, that you have twice repeated one of your own jokes to the same person, at no great distance of time. Soliciting an acquaintance to assist IOG MORE MISERIES. you in a literary project, and being tormented by his diffident, disquali- fying speeches. Being obliged to attend to a puppy, who has an astonishing: flow of words without any ideas. Listening to a man who is always aiming at being eloquent, is very fond of metaphor, which he confounds in the following manner. " As a mighty river, swelled by " mountain torrents, over-running its " banks, tramples under foot every " intervening obstacle, and fired by " opposition gathers new wings from MORE MISERIES. \ r 7 " every impediment; so oratory ap- " plied to our passions, fascinates our " faculties, sharpens our capacities, " and impels our judgments." In the body of an interesting nar- rative finding a reference to a dry long note at the bottom or to some matter contained in the appendix at the end. Quitting a person difficult of access without having mentioned the only subject upon which you sought your interview, all owing to a long and profound dissertation on the weather, politics and family anecdotes. Upon quitting the presence of a great 108 MORE MISERIES. man in his grand saloon, boggling at a false door, and forcing him to rise to shew you the proper mode of your exit. Having fabricated a brilliant im- promptu, which you felt confident would be called forth in the course of conversation, finding no opportunity of introducing it. Endeavouring to make violent love under the table, and pressing the wrong foot. Writing a play with infinite pains, every line of which you think un- rivalled, and upon beginning to read MORE MISERIES. 109 it to a confidential friend, being in- formed that the same subject had been dramatized ten years ago. At dinner introducing a small fish bone into your mouth, and finding after an irritable search in your bree- ches and waistcoat pockets that you have left your toothpick case behind. Half asleep, and languidly moving to bed, pulling your chamber door after you with an impetus, which you think will certainly shut it, and find- ing that the bolt of the lock has over- shot itself; unavailingly fidgetting at the door, until you have lost all dis- position to sleep. 110 MORE MISERIES. Waking from a nap after supper, having two stories to ascend to your bedroom, and a pair of new boots and tight pair of pantaloons to take off. In the absence of your servant, lighting your candle with a match, and unthinkingly holding your head over, and inhaling the burning brim- stone. Clerical misery — In preaching before the judges at the Assizes, finding a page of your sermon missing, by which you are left abruptly in the middle of a sentence which you thought the finest in your discourse, and plunging into the fractured part of another, MORE MISERIES. 1 1 1 which has no connection whatever with the subject of the last. A family in the country, much, addicted to scandal, spending a long- day with you. Being in a great hurry, and at- tempting to blow out the candle with a long snuff, the same rekindling by the puff which was intended to have extinguished it. Attending a school play. In consequence of reading in the papers that the reservoir at Padding- ton would be emptied for the purpose 113 MORE MISERIES. of discovering a great quantity of hid- den treasure, going thither with great inconvenience, and finding the whole to be false, being laughed at by crowds of people who were standing there and who had been deceived in the same manner — First of April, Shivering with cold in a coach the windows being kept down in conse- quence of two fat women who occupy the extremities of one seat being faint and disposed to be sick. Getting into a high coach upon a short iron step. Going out in a sharp frosty morning MORE MISERIES. 113 and leaving your pocket handkerchief behind. Being sick at sea, and upon look- ing out of your wretched birth, seeing two or three passengers eating fat ham without any concern. Sleeping upon the floor in the cabin of a packet, a passenger above you suffering very much from the maladie de mer all night. Hearing your friends observe of a portrait which did not do you justice, that it was a likeness, but if they might be permitted to say so, rather flattering. 114 MORE MISERIES. On a short voyage hearing the cap- tain of a packet impatiently and pee- vishly asked every minute whether the wind is fair, and if not, when it will be so, and at what time he thinks he shall reach the place of destination. MORE MISERIES. Ho LETTER VII. Fen- Lodge. DEAR WHIMBLE, I have just heard from Brighton, and as I told you, Dorothea has been again mak- ing herself conspicuous. She must needs dis- play her beautiful form upon a "Jerusalem po- ney," as the sorry animal is called, who kicked and threw her, to the great amusement of the idle folks who were parading the Steyne : and only four days since, Debit nearly escaped drown- ing in his struggles to resist the humane exertions of a large Newfoundland dog, who rushed into the water after him, thinking that he was out of his depth. Really the follies and freaks of this new married couple are more vexations to me than any of the miseries I have sent you. Ever yours, F. MURMUR. 116 MORE MISERIES. Wishing to have an early breakfast, and the kettle refusing as if by fatality, to boil. Having taken your place in the Bristol mail, being subpoened to at- tend the assizes the next day, waking at Coventry, having been put into a wrong coach. A pimple itching, so high between the shoulders, as to defy every attempt to relieve yourself. Awakened out of your first sleep, * nearly suffocated by the stench of a candle just expired in the socket. MORE MISERIES. 1 1 7 Awakened every half hour by the watchman crying the time, and finding your house robbed in the morning. Walking in a dark night, without lamp, or lanthorn, upon unequal ground. Going into a party, with a cold in the head, having left your pocket handkerchief behind you. Calling upon a couple of dear de- 7nestic friends ', and never finding them at home. Having worn your great coat, and 1 1 8 MORE MISERIES. carried a large umbrella for six days, in consequence of the heavy appear- ance of the weather, without having any rain, going out without either, on the seventh, the morning being remarkably fine, and getting wet through. Angling for the day, in a punt, with a companion who catches a fish every three minutes, without having one bite yourself. Fond of being your own carpenter, attempting to take offa lock the screws of which have rusted in their holes, and your screw driver perpetually slip- ping out of its bite. MORE MISERIES. 119 Perspiringly entering a crowded drawing-room, struck with horror at perceiving as you steal an oblique complacent peep at yourself in the mirror over the chimney, a dingy, dirty line round your forehead, im- pressed by the inside black leather of a new purchased hat. Peevishly pulling up a window cur- tain, two pullies refusing to move, and three of the lines being twisted. Seeing a little rascally bright-eyed mouse enter your chamber, which you have cursed through many a sleepless night, making sure of him j giving him a nervous chase all round the room, 120 MORE MISERIES. in very hot weather, he nimbly eluding every stroke of the poker, and after having fidgetted yourself into a high perspiration, seeing him take French leave through a tiny unobserved cranny. Asked to meet a great wit, and placed at a distance from him at table. A great and distinguished character at table, asking you a plain simple question upon a subject, which you have written upon, struck stupid by a nervous horror and awe. The miseries of a player who is no orator being called upon for an apo- MORE MISERIES. 121 logy for having kept the audience waiting. A keen sportsman attending his second wife ta the grave, and seeing the melancholy procession spring a brace of partridges as it enters the church yard. - At an inn going into a bed too short, with a wooden leg, which you were too fatigued to unstrap, drawing up the living one, going to sleep with the other sticking out at the bottom, which, when the chamber maid comes in for the candle, she conceives to be the handle of the warming pan, which she has carelessly left in the bed, G 122 MORE MISERIES. from which she pulls you halfway in a transport of agony, before she is con- vinced of her mistake. Sending one of your coach horses which has bad fetlocks, to the nearest farrier (a shrewd horse doctor) who pro- nounces his case to be the gutta serena, and immediately administers a drench, by copiously bleeding the hairy pa- tient, and making him swallow his reeking blood, by which his life is endangered. Saying a good thing without hitting. Hearing the bells ring for the mar- riage of your rival. MORE MISERIES. 123 A person of delicate health to avoid damp feet, takes a boat and after some time enjoying his escape, discovers that he has been sitting some time in a small leak. Being annoyed by the venders of bills of the play, in going to the theatre, having a party of fine ladies to attend to. A Physician of delicate organs, called out of bed, to a rich, liberal, and irri- table patient, stopped half an hour, in a narrow street, by a night cart. Being stopped in a street, by some Brewers lowering a barrel into a cellar, G 2 124 MORE MISERIES. and thrown down by the ropes, in en- deavouring to pass it. Having relieved a distressed object, seeing him wink to a brother vaga- bond. An elderly proud prelate, sitting upon a settee, thinking that it has a back, leans backward, and falls head over heels, rushing to relieve him, horribly grinding one of his hands with the heel of your new shoe. A great fop, who was afraid of spoiling his shape by putting any thing into his pockets, in taking off his hat to salute a lady in a crowded MORE MISERIES. 125 street, throwing out his knife, comb, tooth-pick, &c. &c. forgetting that he had placed them in the crown of it. A lady sitting often in the depth of winter to a tedious and expensive artist, with her neck and arms bare, to shew her points of beauty, and after all, the painter only thinking it like. Theatricals — A tall fat man in dres- sing for Romeo, stuffing himself into a pair of tight small clothes, made for a short thin person, and obliged to conceal the shortness of the waistband, by wearing* an old fashioned waist- 126 MORE MISERIES. coat with long flaps falling down al- most to the knees. Another — Two antique ama- teurs playing Lysimachus and He- phestion (young lovers) in the tragedy of Alexander, in greeting each other, their Brutus wigs come off with their helmets, and discover their bald pates. MORE MISERIES. 127 LETTER VII. Ftn-Lodge. DO not, my dear Whimble, mention the French to me again in a favourable manner. The only comfort I have is in reading all the papers and works that are published against them : and though I trust I have as much bene- volence as my neighbours, I real J y hate them as I do the Devil and more too. Every victory they gain shakes my poor patriotic nervous frame, from its extremities to the centre. I have dis- missed my grocer (an honest man too) because he spoke well of them to my groom the other day, and have substituted another, because I was told that at the club of which he is a member, he positively declared that he knew it to be a " solemn fact" that every Frenchman was made precisely the same as a monkey. From having i#8 MORE MISERIES. been in France in my younger days, I knew that unless they were much altered since, this could not be the case, but the assertion proved the fellow to be so hearty in his hatred, that I cannot help admiring him amazingly, though I already find his tea has not so fine a flavour as that of his predecessor. I heard yesterday from Dorothea who is still at Brighton, where she informs me she has received uncommon attentions from a gentleman, who is there called " The Green Man," from every part of his dress being of that colour, and from his living upon green vegetables. I suspect that this eccentric personage must be a little wild, and will place her in some ridicu- lous situation or another, though she says she never met with a politer gentleman, and that he is much handsomer and better bred than our town-clerk. She adds that Mr. Debit is very MORE MISERIES. 129 fond of him, for he seems so well acquainted with omnium and Stock Exchange matters. I wish from my soul that this unaccount- able couple would return home as soon as pos- sible. Old Sarah hinted to me yesterday, that the sole reason which led her mistress to Brighton was on account of sea bathing being favourable to procreation. I had almost forgotten to say that I have sent MORE MISERIES. Ever yours, F. MURMUR. Trying to see a pimple on your shoulder until your head grows giddy. Spoiling a new pair of gloves by raising a knocker freshly painted, and not dry. 130 MORE MISERIES. Knocking at the door of a house for half an hour, and then being told by a neighbour that the house has been empty for the last two months. Riding to visit a friend at a con- siderable distance, whom you find set off at the same hour by a different rout to call upon you. A thick short, man waltzing with a very fat tall woman. In a cold night putting your feet into a pan of hot water and drawing them instantly out upon finding it scalding hot, then as suddenly pour- ing such a quantity of cold water as MORE MISERIES. 131 to render the whole useless — all the servants gone to bed In a strange house drawing the curtains in a morning and at one pull bringing the cornice upon your head. Riding in a long coach very full, and being frequently tormented by having some small parcels taken out of the seat. In trying to recover your cocked hat as you enter the pit of the opera, losing your party. Moving to get rid of a cheesemon- ger, and the cheesemonger immediately 132 , MOKE MISERIES. after taking a house opposite to you upon a long lease. A vain woman discovering the first blush of a large pimple upon her nose. Tormented for a week with a se- vere tooth ache going to a dentist who draws a sound tooth next to the de- cayed one. A false tooth dropping out at a card table, A man writing letters to his wife and mistress and misdirecting them. MORE MISERIES. 133 Being nervous and cross examined by Mr. G arrow. In gently elevating the candlestick to raise the expiring candle by a sud- den jerk throwing the whole in a fluid state upon the sleeve of your codt. Singeing your hair with your cur- ling irons— Ditto your fingers. Hurrying to a party, and finding you have tied your neckcloth too tight. Your servant out of the way, run- ning down into the butler's pantry at a house where you are intimate, and taking up the blacking for the cloath's 134 MORE MISERIES. brush, and smearing your coat from the collar to the cuff. Discovering; in a large party your name at full length in " chemica durable ink" upon the corner of your neckcloth. Sitting down alone in a large party upon a sofa which makes an equivo- cal noise. Playing on a piano-forte, miserably out of time Your memory failing in the middle of a song, which after two or three abortive attempts to get on with, you MORE MISERIES. 1 35 are obliged to acknowledge is impos- sible. Being requested to read a novel, to a party of ladies, of the style of which, the following extract will serve as a specimen. " Touched by that indefeasible and " durable impulse by which good and " great minds are gravitated towards " each other, the Marchioness of V. " and the Chevalier U. arose just at " the same moment, when the high " poised songster, with his downy " plumage, was winnowing the paly 11 and down for fear of his killing you, h4 152 MORE MISERIES. Extinguishing the candle at a friend's house, feeling your way to the bed, passing the bed post with both hands, and striking your nose against it. Turning a corner, being smothered by a gritty cloud following the first lusty strokes bestowed upon a filthy carpet. Losing all the gold out of a hole in your waistcoat pocket, and finding the aperture when you put your hand in, stopped up by a half crown. Not being able to relieve a lady from her empty cup, by reason of MORE MISERIES. 153 having a hot full cup in your -hand, which you are afraid of spilling. Ascertaining after a week's unre- mitting agony, that you must have your tooth out. Going by the Gravesend boat — Newspaper wrong in the tide, by two hours. Washing your face in the winter ', chamber-maid having forgotten to put a towel in your room, bell injured and useless. Stepping from the foot path, into the road, the same appearing durable, 15* MORE MISERIES. but proving to be villainous undried mud. Rising up too suddenly under a large chimney piece, after having carefully brushed the hearth. Paying at the theatre in a hurry and being obliged to change a bad shilling. MORE MISERIES. 155 LETTER X. Fen-Lodge. A ridiculous circumstance oc- cured in our Town, the other day, my dear Whimble : a celebrated Philosopher applied to our Mayor, for permission to use the Ball Room in the Guildhall to deliver a course of experimental lectures on Natural Philosophy, to which the sapient Magistrate with great dig- nity replied, that he would on no account, lend the room to any of them mathematical vagabonds, to have it filled with a parcel of gim-cracfo and rattle-traps, alluding to the philosophical appa- ratus of the learned applicant. Dorothea in her last letter, says that she is promised a sight of the Prince's stables, which I am told do infinite honour to the genius ana h56 MORE MISERIES. taste of the Architect Mr. Porden.— She made me smile by telling me with her accustomed credulity, that each horse has a Persian carpet to stand upon during the day, and a large mirror to see himself in, fastened over the crib. I suppose this is the silly prevailing notion. If she had been told that the horses wore pattens, when they were aired in dirty weather, to pre- vent them from catching cold, I dare say she would believe it. She has cut the emerald Gen- tleman I find, on account of his eccentricities. A thousand thanks for Knight's Enquiry into the Principles of Taste, it is an admirable pro- duction. VollaMORE MISERIES. Ever yours F. MURMUR; Not being agile, or learned in the MORE MISERIES. 157 law of projectiles, to avoid having your hat knocked into the gutter by a sugar loaf being tossed from a cart into a grocer's shop across the pavement. At supper being placed at a separate table from the girl of your heart, trying to catch a glance, but always baffled by a provokingly intervening turban or cloud of feathers. Bursting your black silk breeches as you are playing at forfeits, and kneeling to a lady to call them. Relating a disgraceful story of a man, his friend sitting immediately opposite to you. 158 MORE MISERIES. The miseries of a very large lady upon being told that she has got very fat, after she had supposed herself much reduced in size, in consequence of having screwed herself into a pair of Mrs. Bailey^s stays. Going into a china shop to lay out a few shillings, and overturning a com- plete set of very elegant china. Knocking at a door with a muffled knocker. — No bell. Getting up at church before your time. In a fruit shop in London, ignorantly MORE MISERIES, 159 eating strawberries at one shilling a-piece. A subscription at church, not a shil- ling in your pocket, a crouded pew. Receiving eleven pence in halfpence in change at a penny turnpike, every one of which is refused at the next turnpike, a penny one also. Going into church when the service is half over, and being unable to open the pew door. Endeavouring to laugh with your companions at an accident which still gives you excruciating pain. \ 160 MORE MISERIES Being followed by your terrier into a drawing room and before you can stop him, seeing him kill the tor- toiseshell cat belonging to the lady of the house, who notwithstanding every explanation persists in thinking that you brought the dog for that express purpose. Dreaming that you have wings and waking with a fit of the gout. Dreaming in your after noon*s nap that you have obtained a large prize in the lottery and being rouzed from your reverie, by your servant deliver- ing to you, a filthy, ragged, petition for charity ♦ MORE MISERIES. 161 Pointing out at a dance to your beautiful partner, the ludicrous vul- garity of a man, whom she blushingly informs you, is her brother. Being seized with a bleeding of the nose, just as you have seated yourself by the charming girl, whom you have been waiting with the utmost anxiety to speak to. The top of your tea-pot suddenly slipping off while you are cautiously dribbling its scanty contents into your cup. Springing up in a pew in the midst of the Litany in a fit of the cramp. 162 MORE MISERIES. In snuffing the candle catching the wick too low, and pulling the candle from the socket. Being tempted to bathe in a roman- tic secluded spot on the sea-coast, find- ing on your return that the tide has come in faster than you have expected, and has irrevocably washed away all your cloaths. In looking over Blackfriars Bridge at a boat, dropping your hat. Walking in clean leather breeches down Ludgate Hill, meeting a flock of sheep, which have been driven twenty miles in a muddy road, one of MORE MISERIES. 163 which being pursued by the sheep dog, runs between your legs. After being entreated by a large party to play and sing, complying with their request, and soon after being scarcely able to hear your own voice for the noisy prattle of the whole circle. Taking charge of a very small par- cel, which your friend would entrust to no other person ; perpetually and nervously fumbling in your pocket to see whether it is there, and uncon- sciously drawing it out, and leaving it in the last chaise* and discovering the loss after a sound nap. 164 MORE MISERIES; A favourite dog in the mange. Being told by a friend that a review, the name of which he has forgotten, contains a handsome critique upon a book, which you have written, going into a bookseller's shop, and taking up a review in which you find yourself unmercifully abused. After inveighing against red noses* discovering that the lady who sits next to you has a very rubicurd one. Walking hard in hot a day meeting a ceremonious friend and not being able to get off your glove when he takes his off MORE MISERIES. 165 Being told that a worthless old wo- man, from whom you expect a com- fortable independence, is rapidly re- covering from a violent and very pro- mising attack of the asthma. 'o Sitting on a chair which a servant has fractured and put together the preceding morning, and upon at- tempting to lean back, falling to the ground before a large party. A coun- try servant bursting into a roar of laughter. Hot day — dusty road— long walk — tender feet— new shoes. Whirling the cork off your float as 166 MORE MISERIES. you swing it into the water, and seeing it quietly sink with the bait to the bottom. Ditto catching your line in a tree. In erecting yourself at a dance, bursting your braces, and your shirt appearing between your waistcoat and breeches. After a shower, sinking up to your ankles in mould, to gather a rose at the request of a favourite lady. Talking loudly with a lady in a gig to prevent her noticing the unpleasant effects from the horse having eaten beans. MORE MISERIES. \ 67 On a journey, both straps of your gaiters bursting, in bad weather. No boots. 168 MORE MISERIES. LETTER XI. Fet2-Lodge 9 Mr. and Mrs. Debit are just re- turned to town : do my dear Whimble call upon them, modernize them, and put them a little in the right way of things, otherwise I shall dread looking into the Morning Post. Mrs. Debit informs me, that she was taken by our cousin, old Lady Betty Worms, to a lotanical lecture, at the Institute in Albemarle Street, I send you an extract from her letter. " I never attended any thing so vile and abo- t€ minable in all my life. 1 had no idea that t€ there was so much wickedness going on in *• the world, will you believe it brother? the " flowers make love worse than we do, I blush u whilst I write, and nothing can exceed the MORE MISERIES. 169 " filthy and abominable disposition of the grass, " that grass we always thought so innocent and *• wholesome, yes, the grass is more amorous, " as well as I could learn from the Lecturer, w than the goats ; not that I know any thing " about the filthy animal, only I remember " that Thomas told me one day when I was " riding behind him, and saw a pair of them, " that they are always viciously inclined. " This lecture is always crowded. Every seat " was crammed to the very top — there were only " five Gentlemen present, and such was the " silence, that you might have heard any of the " flowers which the Lecturer held in his hand " drop. If I could have got out before it was " over, I certainly would, but as I was there, " I thought I might as well stay, and not make 11 a bustle. cc I am sorry I took Eliza with me, she is f 170 MORE MISERIES. M grown a fine young woman, but she kept " gigling all the time, although I spoke to her " frequently. I wonder the Society for the " Suppression of Vice, does not inform against " all botanical lectures: if these abominations u are suffered brother, it is no wonder that the 94 French are permitted to beat the Germans." So much for the prudish mind and just judg- ments of my poor addle-headed sister. I have a curious fracas which happened in our village, to tell you in my next. 1 accompany More Miseries with a brace of Partridges. — If you make game of the former, they will not be ill associated. Ever yours, F. MURMUR. Losing a considerable sum at vingt- MORE MISERIES. 171 un expecting to repair your loss by your deal, and being put out the first round. In shuffling, a split card always acting as a case to its neighbouring card, to the infinite interruption of the shuffle. Being only five feet, four inches, going to see a new play every part of the house crammed, standing upon the tips of your toes, and only getting partial peeps at the stage through the misty glass in the door of a lower box, as a large pomatumed head lolls on one side, and not being able to hear one word. 172 MORE MISERIES. Sitting clown to play a rubber of whist, only one pack, and that short of its complement by three cards. One of the aces so terribly soiled that every one can tell who has it. Travelling in ill health in bad wea- ther, arriving at the inn and ex- pecting to be refreshed by a comfort- able dinner being informed that they have nothing in the house, but that they have just killed a pig. Crossing an iron railway. After having carefully finished the outline of a drawing discovering in the MORE MISERIES. 173 first application of the brush that you have been using blotting paper in dis- guise. Looking at an eclipse till you get a crick in the neck. Coming home late at night to cham- bers from a ball, finding your servant has absconded, and all the lamps on the staircases out. Discovering upon entering a drawing room by the disagreeable expression on the countenance of the party, that you have not been sufficiently care- ful either in walking, or wiping your shoes. 174 MORE MISERIES. Having caught a large perch prick* ing your hands with dorsal fin in at- tempting to disengage him from the hook, the fish ultimately escaping. At the moment you are going to give check mate you awkwardly over- turn the board- --To add to your mor- tification you lose the next game. Having a suspicion that your neigh- bours have purloined your turnips, hanging your horse at the gate, while you ascertain the truth of your conjec- tures, and upon your return finding that your horse has been made away with in your absence. ft* to* 30 MORE MISERIES. 175 Going to spend a few days with a quisical family in the country, and before you return, write an account of their eccentricities to your friend in London, and recollect when you have quitted the house, that you have left the copy of the letter upon your dressing table. Turning your drawers inside out in looking for a waistcoat, which you at length discover you have had on for the last half hour. Being obliged to kiss a remarkably plain woman at forfeits, when you engaged in the pastime only with the hope of being enabled to salute a 176 MORE MISERIES. lovely young lady to whom you are particularly attached. P. S. My dear JVhimble I feel I have a jit of the gout coming on y and I can copy no more Miseries for you at present., — Adieu. IN THE PRESS, THE COMFORTS OF HUMAJV LIFE. To be Printed uniformly with More Miseries, and embellished with a Curious Frontispiece, elegantly Coloured. Clowes, Printer, Yilliers'-street.' Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: Dec. 2007 PreservationTechnologies A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive Cranberry Township, PA 1 6066 (724)779-2111 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 021 005 832 1 I I -.*!.. MS