PN 6271 S8 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, Cliap,... Copyright No. Shelt__S^_. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. DARTS, SPARKS, AND FRAGMENTS HARRY ^SUTPHIN Dedicated to the reader's best friend- himself. WASHINGTON fOfe 1896 \j* » 7H U7l

arts, Sparks, One who possesses a contented mind, a cheerful disposition, and temperate hab- its requires no medicine. It is an axiom of diplomacy to speak without saying anything. The country that sanctions duelling for the adjustment of disputes thereby ac- knowledges incompetency to enact laws for the government of her subjects. Confidence is never shared without risk. m Cleanliness is expected of man and de- manded of woman. Crank reformers of both sexes can usu- ally be distinguished by the length of their hair. anfc fragments 13 Good apparel does n't make a man, but it sometimes breaks him. Vanity and conventional indulgences have transformed many a woman from beauty to the beast. The prince and the pauper must both eat and sleep, love and hate, suffer and die. $ The physical and muscular develop- ment of woman are both essential for her perfection. & A cheerful and interesting tale-telling liar may be endured for his entertainment, but a slanderous liar, no matter how sci- entific, is always despicable. Many prefer semi-starvation and a life of idleness to abundance with labor. i4 2>art6, Sparks, If nature be not inconsistent, women should at least mutter in their sleep. Cleanliness purifies the body, and god- liness the soul. The new Congressman enters the na- tion's legislative halls with a " behold a Daniel hath arrived ' ' demeanor, and re- turns to his constituents at the end of the session with the dejected aspect of a Na- poleon from Waterloo who has succumbed to superior forces. Is it modesty, perplexity, fear, indigna- tion, or expectation that predominates when the proverbial old maid takes her nightly peep under the bed ? Greed for money springs eternal in the human breast. anfc 3Fragm ents 15 Many a brilliant and profound states- man has failed to reach his expected ze- nith of fame owing to nature's handicap of an exasperating and rasping voice and a diminutive physique. He whose thoughts continually dwell on ' ' what shall I eat ? ' ' soon makes a god of his belly, and eventually breaks down as completely as did the " One-Hoss Shay." The face of an ingrate looks best when upturned. While half of the world is looking for theories in life the other half is dodging conditions. & Man may postpone justice and deny equity, but nature never fails (sooner or later) to balance her accounts. 16 Darts, gpatfcs, We penalize vice because we cannot reward virtue. The man who adheres strictly to con- formity and consistency may preserve energy but will die a nonentity. IyOve ripens in a day and may be con- sumed before night, but confidence ma- tures slowly and is more lasting. Jewelry is a relic of barbarism, and vulgarity is evidenced in proportion to the quantity that decorates the person. A word of sympathy and an act of kindness when sincerely spoken and un- ostentatiously bestowed enrich the giver and lighten the burden of many an unfor- tunate. anD fragments 17 To the truly good and charitable, life is a perpetual paradise and hell a pure fiction. & More wagers are lost through prejudice, sympathy, and affiliation than through ignorance, Character and qualifications being equal, men with families should invaria- bly be given the preference for employ- ment. * All inherit the prerogative of choosing their course in life, but many of us drift along the easy, conventional, and enjoy- able path that inevitably leads to the irredeemable bankruptcy of the purse, the physical wreck of the body, and the eternal loss of the soul. Criminals mentally irresponsible should be held in restraint as imbeciles and cared 18 2>art0, Sparta, for as wards of their respective communi- ties, and not be incarcerated as felons or annihilated as human monsters. Nature abhors a vacuum, and all men should have a purpose in life, the accom- plishment of which should not be aban- doned on account of occasional rebuffs or discouragement. A methodical man crosses his tf's, dots his i 's and assures himself that he has his night key before leaving home. Though we do not tolerate idolatry, we are as a nation still under the demoraliz- ing influence of idolatrous infatuation. * Wit, to be lasting, should puncture and not merely scratch. m We envy in others qualities that we are most deficient in ourselves. anD fragments 19 Those who ridicule our battle-scarred veterans would have expended their last cent in securing a substitute, had they been drafted for their country's service. History shows that the lives of all great men have been full of mistakes, and ex- perience teaches that the lives of all fools are made up of their repetitions. Fame and renown are scrolled on parch- ment or chiselled on marble and fade or decay with time, while charity is carved on the heart and liveth even in eternity. Discretion in speech follows wisdom in thought. It is better to forget our past follies than idly to repent them. IDarts, Sparks, The truly charitable and brave delay not action till assured that their deeds will be proclaimed to the world. Illiterate associates and a narrow field of intercourse have prevented many a genius from ever reaching his zenith in- tellectually, morally, or socially. Those who continually boast of the superiority of their sex are too narrow- minded to estimate the worth of the op- posite sex. The flattery of professed friends has led many an egotist to believe that he has attained perfection. An intelligent man is like a fish — more at home in deep water than in shallow. and ^Fragments I^aws should be enacted for the repres- sion, suppression, and punishment of crime, and not for the tyrannical oppres- sion and depression of the masses or for the benefit of a favored few. It is much easier to impress others with our greatness than to convince ourselves that we possess greatness. We are nearest to God in infancy, for only then are we part of His kingdom. The ' ' new woman ' ' in her endeavor to be manly may cease to be womanly. Some women act as if they believed God decreed Paris to perfect His creation. .# Hypnotism is an irreconcilable and mis- directed effort of science (?). It may be used to suggest a criminal offence, but it can never influence a charitable act or a noble deed. Darts, $parfc0, Education has done more to diminish drunkenness than compulsory laws, coer- cion, and temperance societies combined. Time lost and opportunities not em- braced are the post mortems of life. It is simply a question of time when the persistent faro-bank and roulette player either goes snow-blind from play- ing white chips or loses everything but his " system." * Many who profess to follow the teach- ings of Christ in religion, and of Jefferson in politics, require branding to be recog- nized. m That city is built on rock whose morals are good, whose schools are adequate, and whose sanitary and hygienic condition approaches perfection. anD fragments 23 A wife who goes to meet her husband only on his pay-day has many a grievance untold. Idleness and a lack of social intercourse are forerunners of crime ; nature intended man to work and mate. The slandering tongue of a malicious woman is more to be dreaded than a plague. & A base alliance even for the attainment of a good end is never advisable, justifi- able, or honorable. The penalty of immorality is servitude in life and loneliness at death. & The most profound thinkers have found satisfaction in the use of tobacco. 24 2>atts, Sparks, The borrower proclaims poverty, and the lender invites it. The borrower loses friends for money, and the lender loses money for friends. The borrower dies metaphorically from absent mindedness, and the lender lives to learn of the du- plicity of man. Purity of thought and action is the corner-stone of Christianity and the foun- dation for a life of happiness. Forethought and mutual adaptation rarely influence marriage. The most neglected and the most profit- able study in life is one's self. He who acts only on necessity would make a good policeman, but has a slight chance of ever becoming a hero. anD ^fragments 25 Prosperity follows the economy of for- tune, and knowledge the economy of time. m Failure in life blights hopes and sad- dens joys, but no aim is criminal, fosters discontent, and creates poverty. m He who invests his time accumulating knowledge and entertains only noble thoughts is never lonesome. All men are born best adapted to certain pursuits, but owing to indolence most men go to their graves before ascertaining their adaptability. * The distinction between charity and philanthropy is that charity bestows needed gifts and philanthropy decides concerning their necessity. The time usually devoted to meditation is when in adversity, hunger, or jail. 26 Darts, Sparks, The woman who marries a dissipated man ' ' to reform him ' ' is more likely to be rewarded in heaven than compensated on earth. . An honest politician is made conspicu- ous by being silhouetted against the back- ground of corrupt politics. To marry clandestinely is like buying a lottery ticket : you know not whether you have drawn a prize or a blank. When a philanthropist conceals his identity, his acts become charity. Beauty (in woman) though courted and admired is superficial and interests but temporarily. Talent, intelligence, and common-sense are more subtle and win lasting admiration. and fragments 27 The greatest torture that man is forced to endure in life is to remember golden opportunities which have been neglected . The more enlightened woman becomes, the more she learns to trust herself to the chivalry of manhood. Is woman, idleness, or gold the root of all evil ? What the world condemns as vices in the pauper it condones as eccentricities in the prince. » Charity is budded on earth to bloom in heaven. When love is based solely on sensuous passion, it must be fed on youth, beauty, personal attractiveness, and ' ' the infinite variety of her entertainment," or it will soon become impoverished, flicker, and go out for the want of fuel. 28 Barts, Sparfts, The foolish contemplate only the dark side of life, but the wise learn that to accept cheerfully the unavoidable vicissi- tudes of life is conducive to the pursuit of happiness. Death liquidates man's indebtedness to nature, and gives a perpetual lease of life in the invisible hereafter. A jury's verdict of "not guilty" is a vindication in law, but does not establish innocence ; it simply proclaims that guilt was ' ' not proven ' ' and innocence is pre- sumed. An unlimited supply of money pro- vided ostensibly for ' ' legitimate cam- paign purposes," and base alliances advocated by practical politics for the accomplishment of party success, are the chief source of political debauchery. and fragments 29 More dissipated youths have been re- formed by being thrashed than saved by listening to the experience of old trans- gressors. m Many a serious fall has resulted from a simple slip of the tongue. Echoes are never heard from eternity. By inheritance we may acquire wealth but never character. All things in life have a tendency to equalize one to another and thus to secure compensation. He who is quick of per- ception, sees things sooner ; while he who is slow to perceive, enjoys them longer when seen. The rich man has his ice in summer, and the poor man is equally blessed in winter. 30 2>arts, Sparks, Those guilty of minor offences fre- quently find it necessary for self-preser- vation to commit further crime of greater magnitude. m The pursuits of pleasure are creations of passion, while those of happiness are directed by wisdom dearly acquired by experience. The cleavage produced in the middle of a man's conscience by his first dis- honorable act can never be obliterated, and is apt to expand by further acts till it blights his life. m Ingratitude, the incarnation of human vileness and debased manhood, is an un- pardonable sin, and is evidence that the heart of the delinquent is a vacuum. m Speculation is an underground conduit to an imaginary Kl Dorado, where dark- anD ^Fragments 31 ness obscures all view of an unscheduled terminus. m lyaws are not enacted for the punish- ment of past crimes, but in anticipation of those to be committed, and to discour- age and lessen these. m Man is like pottery, which may be moulded in many shapes, but which still always remains brittle. Opinions require reasons for weight. The wife who sacrifices to social claims her love and devotion to her husband runs the risk of compromising his honor while she invites attack on her own virtue. Principles survive the defeat of political parties, and the death of their advocates. 32 2>arts, Spatfcs, The more we study man, the more we are puzzled to determine whether good- ness or badness predominates. m A humorous villain is a rara avis. Many divines act as if they believe their mission is to save their individual flock and not the whole human race. What you lack in knowledge credit to others and you will pronounce no man a fool. A solicitor of tips is rarely a decliner of bribes. Most men are more anxious to ascertain the cause of the trouble of others than to render them assistance. If you wish to act as the devil would, just follow your natural inclinations. and afrasments 33 The envious always wear a badge of inferiority. » If gossiping were confined to telling of our own shortcomings, gossip would die from suicide. * Never introduce vice to the youthful with the expectation that abhorrence and disgust will necessarily follow, but en- deavor to dissuade indulgence by moral and truthful reasoning, without manifes- ting too much familiarity with the monster. » The man who truly loves his children can never become wilfully bad. * It is easier to locate a white blackbird than to find " honor among thieves." Man's selfishness is fostered by wo- man's unselfishness. 3 34 2>arts, Sparks, Expectation is the life, and realization the death, of many an idle dream. It is far better to be held in subjection by maternal apron-strings than to be held in suspense by the sheriff's rope. The envious and insincere are the most extravagant with their congratulations ; and the unscrupulous and the guilty, the most pronounced with their censure. The best time to proffer one's love is at twilight, for then it is that courage increases and that disappointment is less perceptibly embarrassing. Foul and profane speech is a canker which unless eradicated in infancy will spread till it eats its way to one's vitals, anD 3f ragmenta 35 In times of general misfortune, dis- aster, and calamity, courage and bravery become contagious. » He who disguises himself by assum- ing the garb of undeserved dignity is ridiculed and despised when unmasked. Grief shortens life, and worry makes life a burden. * He who adheres strictly to the script- ural doctrine of turning the other cheek preserves energy and starves resentment. * The idea that the majority of women have of ' ' daily news ' ' is restricted to births, brides, and corpses. & Drug clerks charge nothing for their services in removing a cinder from your eye ; the cost comes later when the ocu- list removes the eye. 36 3>arts, Sparfes, Death releases the soul from bondage, and gives to the body needed repose. By misfortune and trouble, we are all made actors in life. Discontent and unhappiness are as often found on the bed of down as misery and distress on the pallet of straw. * ' T is not the size or grandeur of the structure, but the contentment that abides within, that insures a happy home. If incorruptible in principle, steadfast in honor, untainted in morals, and blame- less in manners, thou art a living monu- ment to manhood. $$> Deception first deludes others, then ourselves, and finally itself. anD fragments 37 Man blessed with a happy home has ever at hand a refuge from worldly toils and anxieties, # Nobility of nature and goodness of character are not guaranteed prosperity. The older the principles in politics, the greater the difficulty in maintaining them. A man having no purpose, aim, or plan in life, remains a child all of his days. & He who devotes all of his time, talent, and energy to the study of one subject or to the developement of one idea will eventually become a crank. m Man has been endowed by nature with sufficient force to conquer the world, and was not created an imbecile to be subdued by it. 38 2>arts, Sparks, Industry is the means, and frugality the way, to wealth. A man who satisfies expectations and never reminds us of his predecessors or contemporaries, is unquestionably a genius. History chronicles events of past epochs, and memory retains recollec- tions of by-gone days, but of eternity all is vague, unknown, invisible, and incom- prehensible, for it giveth out no sign or word and permits not even an echo to be heard, m The man who continually trusts to luck will eat many a Monday's break- fast on Wednesday. m Death is indispensable for the continu- ance of the creative power of the universe. anfc ^fragments 39 More lives prove a failure through errors of omission than are wrecked by errors of commission. & Many a wicked, scheming, and unscru- pulous money-getting man endeavors to retain the respect of the community and to bribe eternal justice by giving liber- ally to charity and church of his ill- gotten gains. * More lives are shortened by taking too much medicine than are saved by taking medicine. Pure air, moderate exercise, and regulated diet are nature's prescrip- tions. & The passions of the body are continu- ally throttling the virtues of the soul. He who rests on hope soon grows weary, but he who rests on faith is hard to tire. 40 Darts, Sparks, Few know when to speak and fewer when to remain silent. A wise man endeavors to overcome his opponent with force or logic ; a fool, with threat or ridicule. * The miser* s delight is to be considered poor, and the spendthrift's aim is to be proclaimed rich ; and on dying the miser regrets that he must leave his horde be- hind, while the spendthrift regrets if he has anything left to leave behind. m Never annoy others by telling them your ' ' tale of woe, ' ' for they may be suffer- ing in silence with much greater misfor- tune than yonrself. It is better to take your troubles to the nearest policeman, who will enjoy your story if only for gossip's sake. m For a man to look upon nature and believe that all things were created good and ^Fragments 41 and for a purpose, he must be endowed with divine wisdom. Some men are happy when they have their pockets full of notes, and others are happy when able to give their notes to whomsoever will accept them. The politician has retarded the progress of our system of public schools more than all other obstacles combined. The genius who wishes jealously to guard his knowledge, should never make his associates his companions. The imbecility of man prompts him to envy and hate all competitors. Patience is preached by all and prac- tised by few. » Knowledge comes from reading, judg- ment from thinking, and wisdom from experience. 42 Darts, Sparks, Nature has moulded all men differ- ently ; consequently one genius cannot encroach or trample on another. Affectation is silly in woman and ridicu- lous in man. The humble beggar and the generous giver of pardon equally proclaim their nobility, m Publicity is always a menace to corrupt officials. m Man preaches virtue and woman prac- tises it. m The woman who is independent of her husband is already divorced. m The mental, moral, and physical woman is the ideal. anD fragments 43 Genius is born of nature, and when nursed by patience and developed by- perseverance, it has a chance of living. & Strong drink and the ' ' new woman ' ' are the most dangerous rivals of the home. & Nearly all previously formed ideas of conditions or things result in disappoint- ment or surprise when the anticipated is seen. » Human intelligence cannot be measured by the size of the brain any more accu- rately than by the weight of the body. Superstition is an adopted excess born of illusion, that must be fed on idle fancy, clothed with omens, and held in bondage by dread of vengeance or it would first shrink and then die from neglect. To the human understanding nature is easy to anticipate but difficult to interpret. 2>art6, Sparks, He who makes his acts in life subservi- ent to his tastes, transforms his manhood into a shadow and dies young, Most men in their search for knowledge never wander from the path pursued by predecessors, and consequently they never get beyond rehearsal. m The belief of many is regulated by their preference. When an old man is married to a young woman, he holds on to her in public for fear of losing her and in private for sup- port. Idleness is the foster parent of de- bauchery, and strong drink the forerunner of crime. m Familiarity with our own faults prompts us to search for lesser faults in others. anO fragments 45 The establishment of a tribunal of arbitration for the adjustment of all inter- national controversies will mark a happy epoch in the lives of all nations. m Partisan servitude and the publication of scurrilous scandals and ' ' indecent ' ' evidence greatly diminish the moral in- fluence of our ''daily " newspapers. m Charm of manner and personal beauty (in woman) are short-lived substitutes for intelligence and education. A man's imagination may become so inflated by repeatedly relating fictitious adventure presented as personal experi- ence simply for entertainment's sake, that eventually he grows to believe he is telling the truth. No man ever had a wife-beater pointed out to him without entertaining an incli- nation to thrash the brute. 46 2>arts t 5patft0 t Riot, bloodshed, and incendiarism are the boomerangs of labor strikes. A coward is ever ready to apologize, and a brave man to make amends. A house without a master is like a ship without a rudder. Society calls a licentious man worldly and countenances him, and a licentious J woman vile and shuns her. m True journalism heralds public opinion, secures public service, creates public sentiment, enlightens the populace, con- demns partisan fallacies, advances popu- lar liberty, and is unbiased in opinion and honest in furnishing the news. m A man's good nature is proclaimed when he can hear of the good fortune of friend or foe without rancor or envy. and fragments 47 Society is bored by strict punctuality, is awed by intellectual power, and lives tranquil on self-content. Intemperance is indirectly responsible for fifty per cent, of all crime, and inferior associates for all intemperance. Intelligent criminals strangely believe that those who adhere strictly to honesty are stupid and easily deceived ; hence they have no dread or apprehension of being driven to the wall in their ' ' passage at arms ' ' with presiding magistrates or prosecuting attorneys. & Murder, suicide, divorce, and religious dementia become epidemic periodically through a morbid craving for notoriety, and the fanatic zeal that dominates the human breast to rival the fame of all predecessors. 48 2>atts t Sparks, In the chase of life the hound Pleasure rarely captures the hare Happiness. m The breach dividing Protestantism and Catholicism is gradually narrowing, and the day will dawn when orthodox faith will be absorbed in a universal religion based on truth, love, charity, and divine redemption, a religion that will unite the enlightened world. m The foolish woman who thoughtlessly permits a single misstep from the stand- ard of strict propriety, though she be clothed in the mantle of purity, will soon find herself either placed in a compromis- ing position, or sadly in need of drapery. m A woman is always uncomfortable (in company) unless she looks younger than her husband. When a man speaks well of himself, he leaves the impression that he is a con- att& fragments 49 ceited fool ; when he speaks ill of himself, he proves that he is a fool. m Indolence, stupidity, and selfishness are the weights that make many a man a fix- ture in life. m We resort to flattery to compliment the worthy, to satirize the foolish, and to deceive the credulous. » Money is valuable only in the ratio of its power to purchase the necessaries of life. & Too much weight is usually given to the opinions and "findings " of scientific experts, as most of these ' ' Professors ' ' are simply enthusiastic expounders of individual pet theories. The ideal of society should be not dol- lars nor pedigree, but worth. 50 2>arts t Spares, Electricity as a means of communica- tion, locomotion, and carrying on war will yet revolutionize the whole world. m Every advance in science and every new invention gives to man a fresh impression of his stupidity. Dogmatic theologians shun a penetra- ting inquiry into nature, as they appre- hend discoveries that might prove an encroachment on their orthodox belief. m Poverty that results from a want of en- ergy or cultivated idleness is both repre- hensible and criminal. Nature conceals her riches in order that man may be enriched as a reward for his labor in discovering them. m Idle reverence for antiquity, recognition of conceded authority, and too close a fol- anfc fragments 51 lowing in the footsteps of predecessors, have blighted many a man of genius. While we preach the equality of the sexes, we practically do deny woman un- restrained liberty and arrogantly refuse to grant her many privileges freely ex- tended to man and justly due to her. When politeness or restraint holds an unwilling listener, neither eloquence nor logic prevails. » A statesman is a man of ideas, a politi- cian one of resources. * The biggest words have the smallest use. » The foolish say things that they ought to find it necessary to conceal. He who disguises his superiority, is ever companionable. 52 2>atts t Sparfcs, Man realizes when he has arrived at old age, while woman simply admits it to be her destination. m It is as absurd to advise a fool as to chastise a corpse, m The foolish in youth shun counsel and in old age invite action. m Ambition directs life and shortens the way to the grave. m The last time a fisherman in ill-luck pulls in his line he lands a piscatorial lie. Incredulity, doubt, or faith are stronger with ignorance than with knowledge. m A nation is simply a corporation of in- dividuals, and it should, like the individ- ual, submit its quarrels and differences to impartial arbitration or international courts. an& ^fragments 53 The uncertainties of life, from the cra- dle to the coffin, render a monotonous ex- istence impossible. He who gives only that for which he has no use, cultivates charity at the ex- pense of honesty and is not beyond the dreams of avarice. * A face without wrinkles indicates per- sonal vanity and only hearsay knowledge of the emotions of love, sorrow, sympa- thy, or genius. A cold-blooded calculating man is apt to end his days a bachelor. The man that says his life has not been a failure is a fool or at least not a promoter of the truth. » Spiritualistic mediums claim to be able to diagnose the soul, but only those who have previously adopted the ' ' faith ' ' are 54 Darts, Sparfts, deluded by their alleged "superhuman vision " or deceived by their sleight-of- hand tricks and weird manifestations. u Ability to read and write and an accu- rate understanding of what constitutes good citizenship, should be requisite for naturalization and for the elective fran- chise, No man's literary work is marketable until he has been freely criticised by honest reviewers or maliciously caviled by presumptuous critics of alleged fame. m None but a professional can long with- stand the tremendous strain on mind and nerve, the loss of character, the shattered reputation, the social ostracism, and the impoverished purse that eventu- ally follows incessant gambling. The professional learns to take his ill-luck philosophically, while the deluded victim sooner or later realizes that Dame Fortune anD fragments 55 is a mythical or a fickle goddess, and on finding name, fame, honor, friends, and fortune gone, seeks oblivion in drunken debauchery or eternal rest in the suicide's grave. Instead of preserving antiquated homes or dedicating pyramids to the pride of departed geniuses, we should perpetuate their fame by keeping their works before the living, m Nature, ever true to herself, consid- ers only conditions, while man, unjust through ignorance, weighs the individual and marks only his defects. m Capital and L,abor, like the head and hand, are strong only when united into a partnership, & While luck is dreaming of fortunate finds, labor is providing a competence. 56 S>arts, Sparfcs, The absent are always the most graphic narrators. He who claims to be under obligation to no man, can safely be considered a liar. The accomplice is usually first to inform or confess, and to ask for pardon and reward. m When the battle is won, the coward delights to parade with martial music while the hero seeks retirement. Posterity is more apt to dwarf memory than to perpetuate it. The more empty the vessel, the greater the sound therefrom. m He who gives advice unasked or ad- monishes in the hearing of a crowd, is more desirous of casting reproach than of extending a helping hand. anD fragments 57 It is easier to make your enemy your friend with a fan than with a club. The kindest acts and noblest deeds in life are never made known. # No man can remain stationary in life ; he must go to the front or fall out of line. * Publicity is the human X-ray that photographs crafty and corrupt officialism. m The most important contract that man can make is to be true to himself. When society eliminates selfishness and banishes vanity and hatred, she will cease to strangle charity. While woman is the indispensable adjunct of man, in politics she is meddle- some, on the police force ornamental, on 58 Darts, Sparfce, the platform usually illogical, in the pul- pit generally hysterical, and in the work- shop always unfortunate. Many a man has been rendered speech- less by being asked why he was a Repub- lican or a Democrat. It is base procrastination to wait till the first day of April to deal with a fool. Many an argument has been opened by brain and closed by brawn. m A malicious slanderer hurls a boome- rang when he throws chaff at his enemy without regard to the direction of the wind. No man ever started an argument by admitting that he was an ass. an& fragments 59 Avarice is still working when the body- lies prone. m Immodesty will cloud the most beau- tiful face. » A tramp never loses his way nor a beggar his voice. » Many a fool has proclaimed his guilt by announcing his defence before being accused. » Humanity suffers more from swindling creditors than from exacting Shylocks. The best counsel for an angry man is for him to run against a stone wall. Never drift from logic to force to con- vince your friend of an error ; he may have concealed from you his strongest argument. 6o Barts, Spares, Weigh flattery carefully : then, after dividing the dose into ten equal parts, take one part for compliment's sake, and return the remaining nine to the donor with thanks. Gentleness and good-humor will starve vexation and wrath. Truth and electricity are the strongest forces known to man, and of them the knowledge is but fragmentary. The platforms of political parties are hooks baited with sophistries for catching unwary voters. For a declaration of party policy, look to their choice of nominees, and not to these necessary political formulas. Hold no man responsible for his birth, but all men for their acts. anfc ^Fragments 61 The gambler (the sharper) cheats those who would cheat him of his money, while the trades-man (the trusted) cheats you both in money for his chattels and in his chattels for your money. Pity the man that never laughs, but don't trust him. Age entreats best with tears and youth with smiles. ^» A coward crows before battle and cackles after. » Only the dead can be commended with- out creating envy. » The most sacred, sublime, and impor- tant of all institutions is marriage, but unless it be based on mutual love and respect, it becomes a curse, a farce, and a mockery. 62 Darts, Spatfes, Free press, free speech, and publicity of the acts of officials are effective influ- ences to hold in check tyranny, oppres- sion, and misrepresentation. » Theatrical angels are strictly local ; they learn to flutter but never to fly. » The woman who continually complains of the narrowness of the home circle, should be permitted to go abroad indefi- nitely. Never imagine that a policeman is dead because you can't find him on his beat. The hurt inflicted by contempt is more lasting than that which comes from a blow. * Discontent can grow till even heaven would not appease it. anD fragments 63 A meditative man is a poor entertainer, and a diffuse man an inflated bore. A coquette reforms when deserted. Tailors make good soldiers only in camp because of their natural inclination to sit down. & Corporations always have a fund set aside for the suppression of legislative 1 'oppression," and for advertising con- templated reforms. » When the crimes of a nation are pun- ished, the innocent are the greatest sufferers. No man was ever materially injured by being cursed by others, or knowingly benefited by the prayers of others. m Courage begotten by fear is short-lived and hysterical. 64 Darts, Sparfts, The lives of more women have been shortened by compression than by de- pression and oppression combined, m To commit suicide by overwork is futile labor. m A son is a mother's joy, and a daughter a father's care. m Diplomacy is artful subterfuge and logical deception, and is used for screen- ing a menacing fist behind a conciliatory hand, Without common-sense, learning has no application. Women both praise and censure by comparison. » When a woman gives a compliment, she is negotiating for an exchange. an& ^Fracjmenta 65 When a joke is tainted with vulgarity, it becomes garbage. m A difference between a man and a dude is that a man can make a fool of himself, and a dude can't make anything else of himself, m Genius plans the architecture, Confi- dence accepts the contract, Stability sup- plies the material, Energy furnishes the labor, Resolution lays the foundation, Honesty erects the walls, Character pro- vides the girders, Reputation decorates the structure, and Health and Morality purify the atmosphere of the house built on rock for the permanent occupancy of Happi- ness, m A curse tnat is spreading rapidly in this country, though its prevalence attracts slight attention, is the opium, morphine, and cocaine habits. Either of these hab- its once formed is rarely broken. The 66 Darts, Sparks, use of these seductive drugs first causes temporary exhilaration, then oblivion blots out remorse, and finally tranquillity is prolonged till unconsciousness is ex- tended unto death. & Be an act ever so debased or a crime ever so atrocious, somebody can be found to approve or excuse. m A writer without a conscience is more dangerous than a contagious disease and should be quarantined indefinitely. # Nature is continually reminding man of his inferiority and insignificance. m Human deception commences at the cradle and extends even to the grave. m Virtue cannot be stolen, lost, or recov- ered. ant) fragments 67 Those who preach that an abundance is a burden, never rest content when they are blessed with a competency, When a beneficiary rejoices on receiv- ing a gift, he values the gift more than the giver and the last gift most. * The parent who inflicts punishment when in anger shames himself, teaches his child to become a brute, and is always first to repent, The seeds of Habit quickly take root in human soil and grow rapidly even when neglected, but it requires a hercu- lean effort to uproot the matured growth. $ Our characters are never fortified be- yond attack, but they cannot be effect- ually injured except by ourselves. & Man likes to be gauged by the verb ; woman referred to by the adjective. 2>arts, Sparfts, The most suitable and the happiest marriages are those of persons of equal station in life. When a child smiles, its eyes shine like the stars of heaven ; and when it laughs, its voice sounds like the rippling waters of paradise. The man who gambles is a deluded fool, but the man who gambles when he continues to lose is a colossal fool. IvOve is passionate, fiery, and ungovern- able. It considers not circumstances, cares not for age or conditions, heeds not counsel, and brooks no delay or inter- ference. m The more intellectual and cultured woman becomes, the more she interests and fascinates man. anD fragments The man who refuses a bribe the first time with a smile will parley at the second offer and will accept the third without comment. m Certain classes of financial combina- tions and mercantile trusts border on barbarism. They restrict the inalienable rights of man, cause discontent and chaos among the masses, antagonize capital against labor, widen social differences, foster socialism, and sow the seeds of anarchy, A greedy man never does the dividing. There are instances when an avoidance of the truth and even deception is advis- able, judicious, and justifiable. Experience gnaws a lasting hole in the walls of memory. 70 Darts, Sparks, When everybody is well, the doctor is sick and the undertaker despondent. Iarts t Spares, on an inspection tour or to look for medi- cine to ease an imaginary ailment ; at seventy — he may be called lucky if not sleeping too soundly to fear terrestrial disturbance. m Compulsory laws of observance or any restraint on the liberties of the individual are clearly against the intent and purpose of the Constitution, Sabbatarians, senti- mentalists, and religious fanatics to the contrary notwithstanding. m Man's fight to save the soul is one of confidence, to preserve the body one of expectation, and to acquire wealth one of desperation. To retain our friends we should have intercourse with them often and use them seldom. Goodness and baseness seek their own level as certainly as does water, conse- and ^Fragments 89 quently they never become congenial companions. m Love is proportioned by nature and is inexhaustible, impetuous, and not to be measured, analyzed, or entombed, and the man who attempts to define or weigh it, either draws upon his imagination or simply relates a personal experience. # To refine the coarser nature of man he must associate with gentle-mannered and refined woman. Many a genius who aspired to fill a niche in the temple of fame has ended his days in a padded cell in an asylum for the demented owing to his unrestrained self-indulgencies . Virtues are not usually visible to the naked eye, neither can they be verified like vices. 90 Darts, Sparks, To extend hospitality with ostentation is to establish false credit. When a man closes argument with profanity, it is evidence that he has ex- hausted his knowledge and is admitting defeat. Many an honest man has become a criminal ' ' for the occasion ' ' when under the stress of a crisis or disaster. Greatness cares not for opinion, fears not ridicule, clamors not for immediate recognition, and lives only in hope of ful- filling a high destiny and of being finally understood. Of all created beings man alone fool- ishly attempts what cannot be accom- plished. The first attribute of a gentleman is manhood, all other qualifications being auxiliary. and 3f raiments 91 A child inherits its father's name and its mother's character. m Man requires time and deliberation to study woman ; woman judges man with a glance, A child's love is as pure as the early morning dew. The Democrat makes many promises before election and keeps few ; the Re- publican makes fewer and keeps less ; the Populist promises universal prosperity, but is never in position to make good his prophecies. Every man is entitled to do precisely as he pleases provided that in so doing he does not encroach or interfere with the rights of others. m Show me a man whose trinity of love is woman, children, and flowers, and I '11 show you a good man at heart. 92 Darts, 5parft0, In war, politics, and poker, friendship is shelved for future consideration. m Man's activities cover the world, while woman's sphere rarely extends beyond her immediate family. When religious cranks who suffer from acute mania, superinduced by religious zeal, become crazed on theology, they frequently labor under the delusion that God demands a sacrifice of human life as an atonement for the sins of mankind ; but, unfortunately for the balance of hu- manity, the mental aberrations of these demented fanatics never suggest them- selves as fit subjects for such consecrated sacrifice. m The principal causes of failure in life are debt, dissipation, speculation, inferior associations, over-confidence in humanity, lack of moral aud intellectual education, and a loss of energy and ambition. an& fragments 93 He who lives in the past breathes the decadence of the tomb, while he who lives to the future inhales the air of sel- fish expectation. Woman has less weight of brain but more fibre of heart than man. In fifty cases out of a hundred the hus- band is directly responsible for the un- happiness in married life. If man is fortunate he may acquire some wisdom in life ; if woman is sen- sible she will submissively look to the life hereafter for her portion. Many an honest man has eventually become a criminal owing to his criminal- ity being first suspected and then taken for granted, Those who complain most of the world make the least effort to better their con- dition. 94 S>art6 t Spatftg, Many accept new opinions and adopt new theories for novelty's sake, and many retain old ideas and adhere to sacred tra- ditions for consistency and conformity. Nature intended man to use either his hands or his head in his struggle with the world, but not a few depend solely on their cheek, their friends, or their relatives. m Some men are endowed with unique memories : they retain rumors but forget facts, remember money borrowed but never recall the lender. m Eighty per cent, of international mar- riages prove disappointments because the deluded candidates are neither mated nor matched. Some men are extremely apprehensive when soliciting a loan, because they are seriously impressed with the fact that they are placing themselves under a life- time obligation. and 3fraainent5 95 The most talented of men are at times superfluous and nonsensical. The nation that objects to intelligent and impartial arbitration is only approx- imately civilized or christianized, Iyiterary aspirations live longer when cherished in private than when exploded in public. & When a "fallen" woman reforms she may be forgiven in heaven, but on earth she ever remains a resuscitated corpse of immorality, When only men of force, character, and intellectual ability are elected to Con- gress, then its members will represent more than a home constituency. m An honorable man is the noblest work of God, and a loving, lovable, and virtu- ous woman a terrestrial angel. 96 Darts, Sparks, He who looks for the price-mark on a gift would, in all probability, expect to pay an admission fee to heaven. A muzzled press is a sure indication of a tottering government. m The ratio of recreant wives to erring husbands is one to fifty. m Religion may improve politics, but politics will never inspire religion. The nation that looks for its heroes to the tomb and not to the cradle is fast degenerating. m Man is more discreet than woman in making and investing money, and woman more judicious in its saving and expendi- ture. Beauty requires prudence, health de- mands it, and experience teaches it. an& ^fragments 97 A Republican politician listens some of the time, talks part of the time, and works all of the time ; a Democratic politician talks part of the time, and works most of the time ; a Populistic politician talks all of the time. » The road to longevity is crossed by the dangerous paths of excesses, is full of the insnaring pitfalls of pleasures, is forked by the inviting byways of indul- gences, and finally the terminus is ob- scured by infirmities. » Man is the more perfect physically and intellectually ; woman the more refined, sympathetic, spiritual, impulsive, emo- tional, and superior in contour and facial beauty. Man, in perfection, has the stur- diness of the oak and the sublime grand- eur of the mountain crest ; woman, the beauty of the valley, the impressiveness of the rose, the tenacity of the creeping- ivy, and the grace of the gazelle. Of all 98 Barts, Sparfca, animal creation, woman is the most artis- tically beautiful. Man should be consid- ered from an architectural standpoint, and woman from the picturesque and aesthetic. Bach possesses distinct component parts of a divided whole made perfect when united. A hero acts on impulse and feeling, without reasoning chances or calculating consequences. There is no intermediate course between kindness and meanness. Life is incomprehensible to the youth, a dream to the young man, a sad reality to the middle-aged man, and a failure to the old man. Silence does not indicate reserved wis- dom, it simply emphasizes discretion. anb fragments 99 The world takes nothing for granted. It gauges a man by what he has done and not by what he professes to be able to do. * Comfort may suggest bloomers for the "bike," masculine aspirations may prompt the " new woman " to don trou- sers, and ' ' gallery -gods ' ' may clamor for tights and drapery, but common sense will still adhere to the petticoat for woman's apparel. # When some men meet a creditor, their countenances assume a stoniness that emits a sepulchral chill. m Cowardice has prompted more apolo- gies than regret. f& The possession of riches does not guar- antee happiness but it alleviates many a pang. 2>arts, Sparft0, More lives have been wrecked by praise than by censure. * A man is recognized as having left the ranks of the vulgar herd and become a connoisseur when he can view all modern works of art without becoming nauseated. We labor to extract gold and silver from the earth, we waste health, sacrifice self-respect, forfeit honor, and jeopardize eternity for their accumulation, and we finally are ourselves iguominiously de- posited in the place from which they come. & 'Tis well to remember that procrasti- nation cannot be extended beyond the grave. » Some Christians devote more time to worshipping the past than to considering the future. anD ^fragments Kven history is incomplete when denied imagination. » When silence prevails in the sanctuary, we are filled with awe and reverence ; when service begins, we again become mortal. * Argument loses force when its reason- ing can be anticipated. # To ridicule or rebuke, and to refuse to adopt or conform to what is known to your own generation as "orthodox faith," is to brave the displeasure of the world. » When a man becomes puzzled as to his duty, all that he has to do is to inquire of his friends. * Those who resort to prayer as a means to promote private ends are more con- cerned of the body than solicitous of the soul. Barts, Sparks, Aspirants for fame should learn to trust to themselves and not to imitate men of talent or become disconcerted by the success of contemporaries. & Theories should be adopted on proba- tion and dismissed when found unten- able. Unfortunate and weak are those who permit society to name their associates, to select their occupations, to direct their pursuit of happiness, to dictate their mar- riages, and to choose their religion. » There are many different kinds of memory, the obligatory being exception- ally rare. m Many a man sincere when alone be- comes a hypocrite when in society. m A child's first prayer echoes and re- echoes in heaven, while the selfish peti- anfc fragments 103 tions of the multitude die with vanity en route. * Of all laws, that of compensation is the most sublime and the least understood. An advance in power brings additional responsibilities ; an increase in riches adds discontent to avarice ; to exhaust the pleasures of life is to endure longer the miseries ; to acquire fame is to gain envy ; to speed through life is sooner to reach its journey's end. Many a society woman has been pro- nounced disinterested and eccentric sim- ply because she was in love with her own husband. m When youth is wedded to old age rev- erence is substituted for love. When danger is anticipated, a coward wriggles ; when it threatens, he wobbles ; when it appears, he shrinks. io4 Darts, Sparfts, The woman who abandons the nursery and sacrifices home duties and fireside amusements for bloomers and the ' ' bike," perverts her womanhood, disgraces her sex, and morally and physically handi- caps coming generations. Brutality, revenge, and gain prompt man to commit murder; envy, deep- rooted jealousy, and a craving for notori- ety are the incentives of a woman. The advent of the dude has severely tested the limit of human tolerance. Man may attain such proficiency as a liar as to be able to lie alphabetically, scientifically, and interestingly. When woman lies, it is for expediency, and then she is impressive, pathetic, courte- ous, lucid, and hardly conscious of her offence. anfc ^Fragments 105 The perverted woman who entertains an aversion for children, and who shuns maternity, is unwelcome in this life and unknown in the next. DEFINITIONS. SOMETHING for nothing, yet rarely appreci ated — advice . m A vital suggestion — a knife thrust. Vandal sport — leap-frog over tomb- stones. m A municipal lodging-house — the police- station. A hospital for wounded reputations — Congress. m National alms — pensions (to the unde- serving). 1 06 Definitions 107 A museum of anatomy — a soldiers' home. » A whisper seldom heard and rarely responded to — lend me $5. The modern result of marriage- divorce. m Never homesick — the defaulter. Slower than a hill horse — reform legis- lation. & A congressional inquiry on finance — what 's in it? & Dead but living— dead drunk. Surest way to head off crime — the guillotine. The gormandizer's idea of "heavenly bliss " — a full stomach. io8 definitions An appropriate betrothal gift for modern troth plighters — an inseparable yoke. m A disease most dreaded by politicians — grave hysteria. Dakota — the land where Abraham can cast forth Hagar legally and speedily. A shocking seat — the electric chair. Kleptomania — morally irresponsible and lawfully excusable theft when com- mitted by women of social standing and affluent circumstances. A Chinese soldier — a battle-scared vet- eran who is armed with a flag, who heroically beats a gong, looks fierce and blood-thir3t3 r , makes menacing faces, and who is led against the enemy like sheep to the shambles only to seek individual ^Definitions 109 safety by fleeing without regard to coun- try or compass. A poet is skilled in metrical composi- tion, and a grave-digger in metrical decomposition. & A modern pugilist — one who advocates physical culture, strategically avoids combat, and is well versed in the science of menacing and blustering talk over the long-distance telephone. » A farcical mixture — religion and politics. * A dude is a living apology for man- hood and a domesticated proxy for man. He has the mannerisms and upper part of the mermaid, while his asinine nature has endowed him with the obstinacy of Balaam's ass, the conceit of iEsop's ass, and the stupidity of Sancho's ass. The pure-strained and ultra-fashionable dude Definitions traces his ancestral lineage to the Mayflower and his sesthetic vagaries to the sunflower. Those of this breed distinguish themselves by parting both hair and name in the middle. The advent of the dude has divided humanity into three sexes, namely, men, women, and dudes. The dude is insolvent in both common sense and purse, and lives on his mother when young, and on his father and his friends ever after. When a dude departs this life, nature heaves an imperceptible sigh at the displacement of one of her atoms ; but man, realizing no numerical loss, mourns not. MILLENNIUM INDICATIONS. \ 17 HEN the farmer with mortgaged ' ' lands and blasted crops shall no longer be called the most independent of men. When fifty passengers find seats in a car accommodating sixty. % ' When Christianity is not catacombed by divisions. » When our heiresses no longer exchange American gold for foreign brass. When a theatrical variety company can avoid being stranded without the accompaniment of a professional pugilist. Millennium Ifn&ications When jealous wives cease to imagine that every woman is in love with their unattractive husbands. When the man who owes you a dollar or two doesn't suddenly discover some- thing attractive on the opposite side of the street as he passes you. When patriotism prompts the murderer and defaulter to commit suicide to save his country the expense of trial. m When druggists keep good liquors for medicinal purposes. When politicians have passed into history. When fools cease to put all of their chips in on a bob flush before they draw. m When female suffragists cast their ballots without considering the physique dBtllennium Indications 113 and comeliness of the male candidate for office. m When preachers look for their compen- sation to the hereafter and not to their congregations, & When the only lucrative position in a horse-race is to finish in front. & When there exists a single standard of morality for both sexes. When man realizes the advantage of tipping a waiter before service. & When man's worth is estimated by his good qualities and not by his pedigree. When it becomes possible to secure a conviction for murder committed by members of the Italian Mafia or by Chinese Highbinders. ii4 /HMIlennium Ifnfcf cations When woman prefers to be a creation of God to one of Paris. When a statesman, a clergyman, an artist, or a Congressman will be able to divide public attention with a champion pugilist. When morbidly emotional women transfer their sympathy, flowers, and do- nations from the brutal murderer to the grief-stricken and impoverished sufferers from his hellish crime. » When prosecuting attorneys cease to believe that their duty is to secure a con- viction of the accused notwithstanding a lack of evidence to establish his guilt. When a seat in the United States Sen- ate is conferred without pecuniary ex- penditure. dlMHenmum UnDtcations 115 When prize-fighting shall no longer be called an aesthetic exhibition of physical culture, m When capital and labor unite in part- nership. & When a man leaves his ' ' specs ' ' and not his respects at home. When Apostolic prophets and their " elect" are publicly branded as pre- sumptuous impostors and deluded cranks. When husbands cease to believe that a wife's mission is simply to minister to their gastronomic vagaries. $ When we confess our sins one to an- other without boasting of them. $ When a candidate for the Presidential nomination does not publicly announce n6 /UMllennium 1 nDicatlons that he has no aspirations for the office, but would consider it his duty to sacrifice private interests and personal wishes if called upon to serve his country. m When common-sense management of the national resources and national cur- rency shall render it unnecessary for our country to depend upon a ''financial clique" to preserve the solvency of its Treasury. When the United States are prepared to recognize the belligerency of tyrannized colonies who are struggling for freedom and independence as did her patriots of '76, and with as good a cause. THE} end. Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 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