J J [, 28-30 West BROWN'S IN TOWN B jfaccical ComeOis f n ^bree Bct0 BY MARK E. SWAN COPTRIGHT, 1910, BY AMERICAN PlAT COMPANY Copyright, 1915 by Ambbioan PiiAY Company CAUTION.— This play is fully protected under the copyrifht Isws of the United States, is subject to royalty, and any one present^ in2 the play without the consent of the author or his agents will be liable to penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City. For the professional acting rights application must bo made to tho American Play Company, Inc. 33 West 42nd St., New York. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED New York SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 28-30 WEST 38th Street London SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 26 Southampton Stbist STRAND P5 3 537 ,W265£>7 vIAN 21 1915 gyClD 39450 Kof BROWN'S IN TOWN CHARACTERS. BiCK Preston ^'^f ^^^ Abel Preston The father Arthur Howard ^ dentist Worth Carew A gentleman of leisure Pollock The gardener Suzanne Dacre Who l-nows d- thinp or two Lbt^^y Dick's wife Freda Von Hollenbeck A German Heiress Primrose The " lady cook " with a reputation % BEOWN'S IN TOWN. BROWN'S IN TOWN ACT I. Scene : — Back garden of a summer residence. Land- scape drop at back. Set house R. Fence ex- tending from R. to c. at back, and from c. at back to about l. 3 E. Gate l. c. Tree and bench down L. c. (See diagram) NOTE: — It is not absolutely necessary to have a set house for this scene as the characters can enter and exit by the right entrances when supposedly coming from and entering the house. Morning — complications — much. At Rise: — Enter Primrose r. 3 with dishpan and cloth. Primrose. (Wiping pan with a cloth) Mr. Pol- lock! Oh, Mr. Pollock! Oh, Mr. Pollock ! Pollock. (Enters l. 2. Crosses to l. c, carries a rake) What's the matter ? What's the matter ? Primrose. I want to know the time. My clock has dun stopped. Pollock. Wal, I think it's about eleven o'clock. (Looks at watch) I guessed it to a hair. Primrose. Well, I got to get my dinner. ( Going hack toward kitchen) Mr. Brown said he would be home at twelve. 5 6 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Pollock. Primrose. (Primrose turns. Pollock hechons to her — she crosses to him at c.) Did it ever strike you that there was something very peculiar about this Mister Brown? Primrose. Yes, suh, it did. Pollock. Mc too. Primrose. 'Bout Miss Brown too, if it comes to that. You kiunv T kind o' think they's hidin' from somebody. Pollock. Hidin' ? Primrose. Hidin'. Pollock. Well that looks suspicious. There's only one thing that keeps nie here — he pays good wages. {Raines a little aho7.it bench l. c.) Pl'IMROse. Does he pay 'em ? Pollock. Well, I don't know, my pay day's to- day. Primrose. It's mine too. But I ain't seen a cent. His wife said he's gone to town to get a check cashed. Pollock. Well, we'll sec him when he gets back. (Goes L. and ral-es) Primrose. Yes, we will, just as soon as he gets back. Letty. {Without, R. u. e.) Chick, chick, chick, here chickee, chick, chick, chick, here chickee ! Pollock, {{^rosses np to l. of gate) There's his v.'ife, now. Letty. {E titers R. u. e. with pan of corn, goes c.) Primrose, wlicre are the chickens? Primrose. I dunno. The only one I seen to-day was in the kitchen. Letty. Bring it out, and I'll feed it. * Pjiimrose. Too late. I dun cooked it for dinner. Letty. The tiresome things. {Crosses R. to bench) Why don't Ihey come and eat this nice clean corn, {Sits on hcncJi) instead of grubbing around for worms and things. {Places pan of corn by end of bench) I've been calling them for ten minutes. Primrose. {Crosses c) Maybe dey don't under- BROWN'S IN TOWN. 7 stand you. Dey are Shanghaiis, you know, an' I 'spect dey only cackle in Chinese. Letty. (Laughing) Ha, ha, ha ! Very likely; I know it sounds just like our laundry man talking about collars. I don't think they will ever learn to eat out of my hand. (Goes to flowers R. of bench. Bus. ivith them. Crosses R. sits on porch) Pollock. (Letter bus. Crosses c. To Primrose) W^ell I declare, here's that letter that the postman gave me yesterday to give to our folks. Primrose. I bet you'll ketch it foh keepin' it all dis time. Pollock. Well, I'll jest take it in now. (Starts to cross R.) Primrose. (Retains him) No you won't! Don't you go up on dat po'ch with yoh dirty boots. Give it to me an' I'll take care of it. (Pollock gives her letter. Bus.) Why, dis ain't foh ouah folks! Pollock. No ? Primrose. No. It's addressed to Mr. Preston. Letty. (Looks up) What is it. Primrose? Primrose. Why, dis letter heah, addressed to Mr. Preston. I was tellin' Mr. Pollock dar ain't nobody 'round heah by dat name. Letty. (Comes oxit c. To Primrose) Why, yes there is. Pollock. Well I ain't seen him. Letty. (To Pollock) It's for my husband. Pollock. Your husband ? Letty. (Taking letter) Mr. Brown. That is — it's all right. I'll take care of it. (Crosses to porch R. with letter) Primrose. (To Pollock) What did I tell you? Letty. No sign of Dick. I can't wait — (Tears envelope open) I'll just take one peep. Primrose. (To Pollock) She's opened it. (Letty reads) She's reading it. Mr. Pollock, there's somethin' certainly goin' on here. Letty. No check. (Reads) "My dear Boy: 8 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Your request for $500 to carry on your studies is somewhat unusual. At present I cannot comply with it. However, you will hear from me in a few days. Drop me a line occasionally. Yours, Dad. P. S. — ^" How nice ! I didn't know men wrote postscripts. Perhaps he means the $500. (Reads) " Be careful you don't fall in love — you know my opinion of matrimony." (Folds letter in envelope) Oh! If he should ever discover we are married. (Exit r. 2 to house) Primrose. (Bus. crosses r. loolcs off) That looks kinder suspicious. Pollock. (Crosses R. bus. following Primrose) That's what it does, Primrose. Primrose. Did 3^ou see her open that letter? Pollock. I did. Primrose. Did you see her read it? Pollock. I did. Primrose. Now her husband's name is Brown. What is she doin' openin' Mr. Preston's letter? Pollock. Primrose, there's something wrong. Primrose. You're right it's wrong. I don't like the idea of him havin' them two names. Pollock. Maybe he's ashamed of one. Primrose. Why? (She goes to door. Pollock goes a little L.) All a lady has got is her reputation, an' I'm goin' ter look after mine. I can't afford to be workin' foil people comin' from nobody knows whah, an' claimin' to be nobody knows who, for all I know, that man is one of them bunco gen'men. Pollock. No. I've been buncoed twict and he clon't look like the feller that clone it. He may be a runaway bank cashier, or one of them authors? Primrose. Author ? What's an author ? ( Goes c. to Pollock) Pollock. One of them pesky fellers that writes funny stories for the newspapers. Primrose. No, he ain't no author, 'cause he never BROWN'S IN TOWN. 9 writes nothin'. But I don't like the idea of him havin' them two names. Pollock. (Goes c. to her) Maybe he's a burglar. Primrose. Oh, Law! Man, don't — (Goes to hitchen door R.) Don't tell me that! I got to look after my spoons. Pollock. Your spoons? You mean his'n. (^Crosses up to l. of gate) Dick. (Outside l. u. cracks whip) Whoa there! Whoa! Pollock. (Turns, holes l.) There's Mr. Brown, now. Letty. (Enters from house R. at door) I thought I saw Dick down the road. Yes, here he comes now, with his arms full of bundles. (Comes out to R. c.) Dick. (Enters l. u. e. and gate, with arms full of bundles, various sizes. As he enters he drops package for Primrose r. of gate and throws Pollock a sack of flour. Pollock goes to l. of bench) Hello, Primrose. How are you. Pollock. I've got groceries enough to start a hotel. Hello sweetheart! (Drops all his packages c. and embraces Letty) Letty. Oh, Dick! I'm so glad to see you. It seems an age since you went away. Dick. Just one hour. (Kneels on floor to pick p,p bundles) Letty. Kind of a little age. Are you sure you got everything? Dick. Everything? Great Scott. Don't I look it? Here we are — (Picks up large package and hands it to Letty) Pins — thread — sugar — nutmegs — (Handing package at each speech. Large package for nutmegs. Primrose puts pan dotvn on plain bench up R.) Letty. Half pound of sugar and five pounds of nutmegs ! Dick. They're mixed. Letty. I should say you're mixed. Here, Primrose — (Primrose comes doivn r.) Take these. 10 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Primrose. (Talcing bundles and crossing up r.) Yes, Mis' Preston. {Places bundles on bencli i\. and ^picJcs up pan) Letty and Dick. (Letty crossing r.) Mrs. Preston ! Dick. Take these, Pollock, will you? (Gives Pollock bundles l.) Pollock. Yes, Mr. Preston. Dick. Mr. Preston? I thought I told you my name was Brown. Primrose. (Coming c.) How long has it been Brown ? Dick. (Turning to her) What is that to you? Pollock. A great deal, sir. Dick. (Turning to Pollock) And if it comes to that, why do you call me Mr. Preston ? Pollock. Because your wife opened a letter she paid was for her husband and it was addressed to Mr. Preston. Letty. I knew you wouldn't mind it, dear. Dick. (Crosses to her) Of course not, it's all right. (Turns to Primrose who crosses l. to Pollock) The fact is. Primrose — I changed my name. Primrose. When ? Dick. The day I got married. Primrose. Dat reconstruction is gin'lly done by de lady, sah! Dick. (Going toward her) You attend to your own business. My name is Brown. It must be. Letty. (Following Dick in a conciliating way) We had good reasons for making the change. Primrose. Oh, I don't doubt it. * Dick. Well, don't let me remind you again. My name's Brown. Primrose. (Circling about to R. as Dick and Letty go l. c.) I don't care ef yo' name is Brown- — yo' won't have to remind me again. I'se an honest woman, I is, an' I refuse to be connected with people BEOWN'S IN TOWN. 11 who's ashamed of they own name! (She snaps the dishcloth at Dick and Letty and goes up to hack) Dick and Letty. Primrose ! Primrose. DonH you Primrose me ! I tell you right now you fill my place jes's soon's you can, 'cause I'm gwan ter leave. Dick and Letty. Impossible! Dick. {Going toward her) Come, come Primrose — I can explain why I changed my name. You see, I have a father Primrose. I don't believe it. Dick. What? Primrose. No ! {8he throws pan on his foot) So you please be so kind an' condescendin' as to have my change ready fo' me aftah dinnah, Mr. Preston. (She starts to kitchen door) Dick. Brown! Hang it! Brown! (He starts to kitchen door R. 3) You call me Preston again and you won't get a cent. Primrose. Oh, we'll see, sah? (Exit Primrose, door R. 3 slamming door in his face, hits. Exit Pollock r. u. e. with bundles) Letty. (l.) Isn't she awful? Dick. (Coming doivn r.) A holy terror. Letty. Pay her, Dick, and let her go. Dick. I haven't a cent. (Noise in kitchen made by Primrose — Dick sits on bench R.) Letty. Primrose. Dick. She's on a strike. Letty. I'm glad she's going to leave. Dick. AA^iy? Letty. I would be afraid to discharge her. If she stays another week there won't be a place for the new cook to work. Dick. I daresay. Letty. By the way — what about the new cook? Dick. (Letty sits by him on bench r.) Well, Smith, the store-keeper, told me he knew of a man who would come here and do the work around the n BROWN'S IN TOWN. place, and, until we got a new girl, he would cook for us. Letty. Oh, a man cook ! Dick. Yes. He has been a guide for some camp- ing parties. He's a good cook, but they say he's very eccentric. Letty. Well, we're lucky to get rid of Primrose. I found six gin bottles in the kitchen. Dick. Were they full? Letty. No. But I think Primrose was, and when I showed them to her she swore dreadfully ! Dick, it's a wonder she didn't cut our throats, and rob us ! Dick. If she'd go through my pockets she'd be in debt. By the way dear, where is that letter ? Letty. Here it is. (Gives Dick letter) It is from your father. Do you think he will ever forgive us? Dick. Well, I hope so, dear. (Both arm in arm walk L. corner) Let me see what he says — (Reading letter) " My dear boy : Your request for $500 — Oh — ah — (Pleased. Continues reading) Cannot comply with it. (Disappointed) Isn't that too bad ? Letty. (Pointing to P. S. in letter) But read that. (They turn and walk c.) Dick. (Continue reading) Be careful you don't fall in love. You know my opinion of matrimony. (They separate) Letty. (c.) Why should he detest matrimony? He was married once. Dick. (e. c. looking at letter) Perhaps that's the reason. (Letty starts offended, Dick looks up) Letty. What? Dick. Oh, no, no. I didn't mean that, dear. Letty. (Sarcastically) I dare say you are be- ginning to share his opinion. Dick. No, I am not. (Looking at letter) It's too late now — the mischief's done. Letty. (Surprised — indignant) The mischief? Dick. (Putting letter in his pocket) I mean. BROWN'S m TOWN. 13 dear, that we are married, and when I tell father the reason — that I either had to marry you or let that fellow Arthur Howard win you — perhaps he will relent. By Jove, I — (Crosses L.) detest that fellow Eloward. Letty. (Crosses n.) Beware, my lord of jealousy. It is the green-eyed monster that eats the meat it feeds upon — Shakespeare. (Both laugh) Dick. (Comes to c.) Shakespeare with a ven- geance. But, come now, you know you did like Howard once? Letty. (Goes to floivers on bench) Oh, once! But that was before I met you. And, do you know — (Turns to Dick) Dick, I think he has never for- given you for coming between us. Dick. (Angrily, going to L.) Indeed! Why he is beneath your notice. That awkward — ugly Letty. (Turning to flower pot and looking over L. shoulder) Oh, he isn't so ugly. Dick. (Continuing) Presumptuous Letty. Yes — (Dick turns) But he is pretty well to do Dick. (Picl's a flower) Dick. (Coming to Q.) I should say he was. He's a dentist; he fills teeth; he filled a tooth for me, once, and in a week it came out. Letty. The filling? Dick. No. The tooth. (Goes haclc to l.) Letty. He pulled (Picks a floiver) a tooth for me, once and it seemed a month coming out. Dick. I suppose he tried to make love to you — now, didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? (Coming toward her c.) Letty. Ha, ha, ha ! It was too funny ! He swore he would pull — (Picks flower) all my teeth if T didn't marry him. (She makes a hutton-hole bouquet of three flowers) Dick. Hang his impudence — making love to my wife! 14 BROWN\S IN TOWN. Letty. {Comes out from behind lencli) I wasn't your wife ! Dick. No, but — you — would have been. (Letty loolcs up at Dick) Letty. What ? Dick, (c.) But for the trifling fact that I had not married you. Letty. {Goes to him, fastens bouquet on his coat) Well, he didn't know it then. Dick. I hope he doesn't know it now. Letty. (e. DicK c. l.) So do I. If he did, he. would take a fiendish delight in telling the whole world of our marriage. {Cross to porch e.) Dick. You little rogue, you're only teasing me. Never mind, dear, two miles from the city, under assumed names Letty. We have nothing to do but enjoy our- selves. Dick. And let the cook, and the chickens and the mosquitoes take care of themselves. Both. Ha, ha, ha! {Exit both -r. 2 e.) Suzanne Dacre. {Without, l. u. e.) Stop ! Stop ! T can't go any further. {Enter AYortii Carew l. u. B. and gate trundling man's ivheel, brings it c. then leans it at fence R. Enter Suzanne l. u. e. and gate wiping forehead) I should think you'd be ashamed of yourself. {Crosses R. c, up stage) Worth. {Coming to her) Why Miss Dacre what have T done? Suzanne. You picked out the steepest hill in State to climb, and it's 90° in the shade. (Cross n.) •Worth. {Following her) Why, don't you re- member ,you insisted on coming this way? Suzanne. What ? Worth. Yes and I told you it would be silly. Suzanne. Blame me ! That's right ! Worth. I'm very sorry. Suzanne. Oh, never mind. Bring my wheel out of the road. {She starts him up to gate) Quick, BROWN'S IN TOWN. 15 or someone will run over it. Can't you see it — Look out or it will run over you — Use your glasses — It H right at your feet — Stupid — Don't hurry — (She folloivs him up — exit — Worth l. u. e. hus. Suzanne re-enters at once, trundling lady's wheel) What's the matter with that wheel? Worth. (Placing wheel inside fence) Puncture. {Hands in poclcets) Suzanne. Wliy weren't you careful ? Worth. Why, my deah Miss Dacre, I didn't do it. Suzanne. No. Of course not. Lay it on to me. Worth. Well, really you rode the wheel, you know. Suzanne. Well, don't stand there staring. Take your hands out of your pockets. Worth. What shall I do? Suzanne. Eepair the puncture. Worth. I haven't any tools. Suzanne. (Out of patience. Crosses r. Sits) Put your hands back in your pocket. Worth. ('Crosses down c.) By Jove, how lucky it is it happened right heah in front of youah aunt's house ? Suzanne. Why this is not my aunt's house. Worth. No? Aren't you stopping heah? Suzanne. Most certainly I am not. Worth. Why my deah Miss Dacre, when I met you this morning at the hotel cottage on the Bays- water road you said you were stopping wuth youah aunt at her cottage on the Bayswater road. Suzanne. (Rises and crosses c. To Worth) Now do you suppose this is the only cottage on the road? My Aunt lives two miles further on, and we are only half way there. (Crosses R. and sits on bench) ' Worth. And a punctured tire. Suzanne. (Turns and faces him) Yes. You should have come prepared, and it wouldn't have happened. (Turns away) It never rains when you carry an umbrella. 16 BEOWN'S IN TOWK Worth. (Aside) My opp-tunity! (To Su- zanne) My deah Miss Dacre — when I met yoii to- day — I did not expect to meet you — to-day. Suzanne. And I wish you hadn't. Worth. (Comes R. to end of bench) My deah Miss Dacre, I — I Suzanne. (Rises, walhs aivaij from him, goes R.) Oh, he is going to propose again. This is only the fourth time since we started. Worth. (Following her) My deah Miss Dacre, I— I~I Suzanne. That will do — stop. Worth. Not fo' worlds. I think too much of you Suzanne. (Crossing l.) Stop! Stop! Stop! I know just how much you think of me. How are you going to get me back to town? Worth. (Following her) You wouldn't care to walk. Suzanne. Yes, Fm just dying to walk. (Sits on bench l.) Two miles, in the hot sun — on a dusty road. No, I'll stop here. You take that wheel back to town and have that puncture repaired. Worth. (Crosses c.) Do you know who lives heah? Suzanne. (Imitating) No, and I don't cyah — (care). Worth. (Turning bach to her) My dear Miss Dacre — I cawn't leave you heah alone. Suzanne. I don't mind. Worth. No ? Suzanne. There are moments when one wants to be _ alone. Worth. Ha, ha, ha — clevah ! Clevah ! (Crosses out to c.) I had bettah hire a man to go. Suzanne. No — no — no. Go yourself. Worth. Well, I am very tired. (Crosses to bench r.) I would like to rest. (Sits on bench) Suzanne. No. Don't waste any time. gone BROWN'S IN TOWN. 17 Worth. Very well, if you insist. (Rises and crosses up to wheel) Miss Dacre, I will go. (Picks up her wheel and starts) Suzanne. Thank goodness ! Worth. (Aside) She trying to get wid of me, I wondah why? Well, I'll go. Suzanne. (Turns away) Thank goodness, he's f Worth. Will I find you heah when I wetuhn? (Picks up wheel) Suzanne. (Impatiently) Will — you — go? Worth. Yes, I'm off. (Exit l. u. with both wheels) Suzanne. Ha, ha, ha! Well, he's gone at last. (Goes up c. looking after him) Of all the spoony spoons, he's the worst ever. I never want to see any love making again. (Turns as enter Dick and Letty from house r.) Dick. Don't you worry — I'll run right to town and see about the cook. Good-bye! (They embrace — Dick kisses Letty) Suzanne. I beg your pardon. Letty and Dick. (Surprised) Oh, Suzanne Dacre ! Suzanne. Letty Leonard and Dick Preston. Dick. The dickens. (Crosses r.) Suzanne. Why, what are you doing here ? Letty and Dick. Why we — we — this is our — our Letty. This is our home. Suzanne. Then this is no place for me. (She starts out c. Letty catches her and brings her down) Letty. Oh, no, Suzanne, I'm so glad to see you. Dick. Yes — yes. Ha, ha ! Suzanne. You both look it. I think I'm in the way. (She starts slightly to turn and go, Letty restrains her) Dick. No — no 18 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Letty. No, Suzanne, please remain, and we wih explain. Suzanne. {Crosses l.) I think youM better. Letty. {Goes to Dick) Dick, you tell her. Dick. No, dear, you tell her — ^you've known her longer. Letty. (Goes to Suzanne) Suzanne, you see, Dick and I — (Goes to Dick) Dick — you explain. (Urges him to c.) Dick. I can't — I can't — well, you see my dear Miss Dacre, I — I'd be delighted to explain, but — ('Crosses to R. Aside) I haven't the faintest idea what to say. Letty. (Goitig to Dick) You must say some- thing. When two people are discovered living in a little cottage, somebody must say something. (Turns to Suzanne) Oh, Suzanne, can't you sit down? Dick. Yes. Won't you sit down? Dick mid Letty. Yes, Suzanne, sit down. (Suzanne sits l.) Letty. (To Dick) Go on, Dick. Dick. No, you. ( Bus. ad lib. both. Letty urges Dick, he crosses to bench l. To Suzanne) You see, my dear Miss Dacre, I have a father Letty. (Crosses l. To Dick) That won't do. Dick. No — I haven't a father. Letty. Oh, Dick! Dick. No — I don't mean that. You would think — from the circum — (Aside to Letty) What the devil would she think from the circumstances? (To Suzanne) You would think. Letty. ( To Suzanne) That we were going to be married, wouldn't you ? Suzanne. I'd think you should be. Dick. Well, we are— -^ — (Suzanne rises.) BROWN'S IN* TOWN. 19 Letty. Married. Dick. To each other. Letty. A week ago. Dick. By a magistrate, Letty. At Milford. Dick. Named Jones. Letty. And it's a secret. Suzanne. Honest ? Letty. Yes. Suzanne. Is this a joke? Letty. Marriage is no joke. Suzanne. And am I the only one who knows it? Dick and Letty. (Dick crossing to l. Letty crossing to c.) Uh huh. Suzanne. (Crossing to Letty) Well, as Fm the first to congratulate you, allow me to wish you many happy returns of the day. Dick and Letty. (Turning to Suzanne) What? Suzanne. I mean — my best wishes. Dick and Letty. Oh! Suzanne. Won't the girls stare when I go back with the news? (She goes up) Dick and Letty. Suzanne, (Tliey go up after her and bring her down) Letty. You are not to tell them. Suzanne. Why didn't you say it was a secret ? Dick and Letty. Yes, it is. Suzanne. Well, they'll help me keep it. (She starts up again. They bring her down c.) Letty. Suzanne, do you want to ruin us? Dick. And break her heart? Letty. And his? Dick. And mine? Letty. Do you want to part us? Dick. And break her heart? Letty. And his? Dick. And mine? Suzanne. Of course not. Bless you, m.y children. 20 BROWN'S IN TOWN. {Laughs and crosses to bench L. Takes off hat. Places it on bench) Dick and Letty. {Impressively) Then don't breathe a word of our marriage. Suzanne. Why ? Dick. I will tell you. (Crosses to L., starts to sit on bench) Suzanne. (Screams) Don't sit on my hat. (Dick rises, Letty starts) Why mustn't I ask any- thing about it ? Dick. (Sits) Well, you see, I have a father. Suzanne. So I understood a while ago. I didn't see anything extraordinary in that; nearly everyone has a father. Dick. (Letty in back of bench) Yes, that's the rule, I believe. However, my father is a very eccentric man and has a fiery temper. Letty. Oh, a dreadful temper — (Caressing Dick) But he loves Dick dearly. Suzanne. Go on. I'm quite calm. Dick. In addition to which he has a strong prej- udice against matrimony. (Letty moves out a little towards c.) Suzanne. He has been married. Dick. I think so. Letty and Suzanne. (Looking at him astonished) Eh? Dick. Yes, yes, of course. Suzanne. Why did you marry against his will? Dick. I didn't know it until it was too late. •After I married Letty I went hoxne to tell him. As eoon as I broached the subject of matrimony he aired his views and I was given distinctly to understand that I was not under any circumstances to marry, at any rate, imtil I was twenty-five. Letty. If Dick disobeys, his father will disinherit him. BROWN'S IN TOWN. 21 Suzanne. And when will you be twenty-five? Dick. Next year. (Rises and crosses R.) Until then, I am single. Letty. (Sits L. by Suzanne) And you see, Suzanne, I must keep it from my relatives, too. Dick. {Going toward IjETTy) Yes. You see, she lias a father- Letty. Oh — go away. (Dick crosses k.) Papa is very ambitious and wants me to marry a wealthy gentleman. In fact, I think he has one selected. {Looks at Dick) If he should discover I am married there would be a big family explosion. (Suzanne nods and does bus. imitating explosion) We wouldn't have anyone know it for the world. {Rises and crosses c. to Dick) Dick and Letty. {Bus. with fingers) And especially Arthur Howard. Suzanne. {Same bus.) And who is Arthur Howard ? Dick. My hated rival, as they say in the Family Story paper. Letty. Who would tell my father? Suzanne. Who would tell everybody everything? Letty. Exactly. Suzanne. {Crosses c.) Count on Suzanne! Letty. Oh, Suzanne! Suzanne. I'll be mum as a clam. (Letty em- braces her. Dick tries same, she boxes his ears and crosses L.) Are you going to spend your honeymoon here? Letty and Dick. {Holding hands and bowing) Mr. and Mrs. Brown — at home? Suzanne. Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Delighted. { Howard. (Rises and crosses to Dick) I thought you said you had no cook? Dick. Well, we haven't, but one is coining. Suzanne. (Goes c. to them) Yes — yes — yes — one is coming. That's it. Ha, ha, ha! (Dick and Suzanne laugh nervously.) Dick. And you know I have a presentiment that he doesn't care to have any strangers in his kitchen. Suzanne. No — no ! Howard. Too bad. Lock me in and I will get you a dinner that will give you indigestion for a week. Dick. (Indicating Suzanne with nod) She will ptfcend to that. Suzanne. (Suddenly) Oh! I forgot — (Dick a'nd Howard start) I left my biscuits in the frying pan, on a hot fire ! Must flop 'em. (She crosses up R. Howard crosses l. to bench, Dick crosses R. to Suzanne) Dick. (To Suzanne) Warn Letty to keep out of sight. (Exit Suzanne r. 3. Dick crosses l. To Howard) You'll excuse me, won't you, old chap? BROWN'S IN TOWN. 33 Just sit down and make yourself comfortable. (Crosses to c Aside) Oh, I wish he'd drop dead. {Calling off) Hurry Suzanne, hurry! Suzanne. {Re-enters from R. 3) Dick — (Dick crosses R. u. to her) Letty is not in the house — she must be in the garden. Dick. Come — let's find her. Suzanne. Yes, let's find her. (Exit Dick and Suzanne r. u. e. Howard settles hack on hench, starts to read paper,) Worth Carew. (Enters l. 3, crosses c. turns, sees Howard, crosses l. to him) I beg youah pawdcn. May I speak to you a moment, sir? Howard. Certainly. Worth. Have you seen anything of a young lady? Howard. Well, your conversation is remarkably interesting, but a trifle indefinite. Are you looking for some one? Worth. Yes. A young lady, Miss Dacre. She's stopping near here, in the vicinity. You would know her in a moment if you should see her; she has her name on her pocket handkerchief. Howard. Well, I haven't seen a pocket handker- chief accompanied by a — (Worth crosses r.) young lady, recently. Sorry I can't assist you. Worth. Why here's her hat. (Piclcs up her hat from chair r.) Howard. Why that hat belongs to Mrs. Brown. Worth. (Replaces hat and crosses c.) Mrs. Brown? Impossible! That hat belongs to Miss Dacre. There must be some mistake. (Looks in kitchen door) Howard. Well I heard the owner of it call her- self Mrs. Brown, not ten minutes ago. Worth. Oh, there is some terrible mistake here. T eawn't understand it at all. Where is she? 34 BROWN\S IN TOWN. (Howard points r. u. e. Worth loohs off) There, with a man ! (Turns to Howard) Is that Brown? Howard. Certainly. That's Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Worth. She has deceived me ! Now I know why- she doesn't want me around here. But I'll find out about this. I'm a desperate man. (Exits R. u. E.) Howard, I wonder what the deuce is the matter with these people. (Reads a paper) Letty. (Enters) Suzanne! Suzanne! (LooTcs off L. IT. E.) Wliere can she be I wonder? (Crosses to R.) Suzanne! Suzanne! Oh, dear, her biscuits are burned to a crisp — (Howard rises and crosses c.) and she told me she knew how to cook! (Crosses C. Meets Howard) Howard. Wliy Letty Leonard! Letty. (Horrified) Arthur Howard! Howard. (Shakes her hand) I'm delighted to see you. How are you? Letty. I'm equally surprised to see you. Does anyone else know you are here? Howard. Why of course — they all know I'm here, but I didn't know that you were here. Letty. Oh, yes — yes — I have been here for several days. JHowARD. (Going L. laughingly) Say, great joke, that — Brown and his wife, isn't it? Letty. (FoVoivs him l.) Why — do you know that? Howard. Why of course, Dick couldn't keep a secret from me. (Looks off r. u. e.) Here he comes now, with his wife. Letty. His wife? Howard. Yes. Mr. and Mrs. Brown. (Enter Suzanne arid Dick r. hurriedly, they see Howard and Letty — hath horrified.) Dick and Suzanne. Great Scott ! (Ad. lib. both r.) BROWN'S m TOWN. 35 Howard. Why didn't you tell me that she was visiting you? Dick. (Waving hand nervously) Oh, we wanted to give you a surprise. Suzanne. {Same bus.) Yes, we wanted to give you a surprise. Howard. {Same bus.) Oh, I see. Letty, Dick, Howard and Suzanne. (All same bus. — waving hands) Ha, ha, ha! Howard. {Turns to Letty) I say Letty, let's go for a stroll. Letty. No — no! {Crosses to Suzanne) Dick. {Crosses L. c. to Howard) I think it's going to rain. Howard. Dry up! Can't a fellow pop the ques- tion ? Dick. {Horrified and indicating Letty) To her? Howard. Certainly. Dick. {Aside) Phew! Howard. Can't a fellow ask a girl to marry him? {Passes Dick to l. corner) Come on Letty, for our stroll. {Takes Letty by arm and both go up c. Suzanne crosses l. to Dick) Letty. Oh, Mr. Howard — please Howard. I'm awful glad I came. Letty. Oh, Mr. Howard Howard. Dick, you're a brick. {Starts of with Letty — Dick follows them. Suzanne follows Dick tugging his coat tails. Exit Howard and Letty R. u. E., Howard laughing loudly and talJcing; Letty dismayed. Dick and Suzanne looh off after them) Suzanne. {Brings Dick down) Here — do you want to ruin everything? Dick, He's gone to propose to my wife. Suzanne. It won't do him any good. Dick. Well I don't like it. Suzanne. T don't suppose she does, either. Se BEOWN^S IN TOWN. Dick. She may. (Starts up c.) Suzanne. (Restrains him) Oh, Dick — don't be foolish ! Dick. Now you let me alone ! ( Goes up. Hold- ing him) Suzanne. Oh, Dick! Dick. (Going to gate) Suzanne — stop that! Suzanne. Here! Here! (Pulls him haclc) Dick. Go away from me! (Goes out at gate) Suzanne. Poor Dick Preston ! ( Crosses l. to bench. Exit Dick r. 4 e.) Freda. (Enters l. 4, crosses c, then l. to Suzanne) Ah, wie gehts? Sprechen sie Deutsche? Nein? No? Suzanne. No. Freda. Young womans, could I tell you my troubles ? Suzanne. More troubles ! Freda. Don't choke mit me. I am looking for a vipers. Suzanne. For a what? Freda. A vipers — a vipers ! Suzanne. A vipers? Freda. A vipers — a vipers, one of dose — (Bus. with parasol scroll on ground) Suzanne. Oh — a snake. (^Climhs on bench) Freda. No, you don't understandt me. I mean a vipers dot varmed himself in my bosom and den he stung me. I am shtung. Suzanne. Poor thing. Freda. I haf intentions dot he should marr\' me. He is rich, and I am so beautiful. He is my affinity. Suzanne. Your what? Freda. My affiditity. Suzanne. Oh! You mean he is your affinity! Freda. Yes — yes — yes — He is my affidivity. Suzanne. Ha, ha, ha! BROWN'S IN TOWN. 37 Freda. Oh, you are so goot and kind. You see, I loaf him so mooch, and he loves me — not much. Suzanne. No? Freda. But he is here. He plays mit me a pick-a-boos. Suzanne. A what? Freda. Oh, such a hidings. But I vill findt him. (Starts for front door of cottage) Suzanne. Here! You mustn't go in there. Freda. (Turning) Please, don't touch me. Suzanne. Here, here ! Letty wouldn't allow you in there. Freda. Ach, do leiber. I vill make a vaitings. (Exit into cottage. Bus. Noise outside, etc. — '' Whoa, etc." Suzanne goes up c.) Abel Preston. (WitJiout l. e. 3) What's that? Charge me two dollars to drive me up here, only two miles? Why, you lean, lank, slab sided im- poster, what do you take me for? Suzanne. (Comes down l. Aside) The cook! Abel. (Without l. 3) Here's a dollar. Take it or leave it. (Enters L. 3 talking hack) Don't try to .argue with me, I won't have it, do you hear? (At gate\ Ah, I am here at last! (Coming down) My! That sun is hot. Suzanne. Hah! It's the cook! (Crosses to c.) Ah, you are here, are you? Abel. Yes, I'm here. Is Brown in? Suzanne. Yes, yes. Brown is in. (Aside) It's the cook. Abel. Good ! Suzanne. (Bus.) Now sir — now sir! To busi- ness. Abel. Business? What are you talking about? Suzanne. Well, I hope you know your business. Abel. Well, I hope I do. What has my business got to do with you? Suzanne. Well you'll find that I mean business. 88 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Abel. You take my advice young woman, and mind your own business. Suzanne. Here, here, here! Don't you shout at me. Abel. Well don't you screech at me. Suzanne. Tut — tut I That will do. He's been expecting you. Abel. What — been expecting me? Suzanne. Yes, and I'm glad you've come. I have burned my fingers a dozen times. Abel. What has that got to do with me? Suzanne. Well, it's got a good deal to do with me. Are you ready to begin? Abel. Ready to begin? Suzanne. Yes. To commence. Abel. Commence? What are you talking about? Suzanne, Say — what are you here for? Abel, What's the matter with you — are you crazy ? Suzanne. No. Are you? Abel. No, but I will be if this keeps up. Suzanne. I don't doubt it. Abel. Look here, I won't stand any impertinence from you. Not a bit of it. Suzanne. For pity's sake, shut up ! Get a move on you. (Crosses r.) Get to work. Follow me — come on. (Exit Suzanne b. 2) Abel. Get to work ? What the devil are you talk- ing about, woman ? How dare you ! Why, you im- pertinent minx, you wait till I find Mr. Brown and there will be a cleaning out in this establishment. ]\Jrs. Brown! Mrs. Brown! (Exit Abel into house) Worth. (Enters r. u. e.) Mrs. Brown? Mrs. Brown? He said Mrs. Brown! They are quarreling, he must be her husband. I will follow him; he has cheated mo out of tlie only girl T ever loved. I'm a desperate man. (Exit R. 3 e. Enter Howard, Letty and Dick r. 4 e. Letty crosses l. to bench ) Letty. Oh, I'm so tired. BROWN^S IN TOWN. 39 Howard, {crosses to her) Tired, poor dear? I know you are tired. Letty. Let me — alone. Howard. He's enough to make anyone tired. (Goes c. to Dick) Hang it, Dick, keep away. Don't you see Letty is dying to be alone with me? Dick. Nothing of the kind. HoAVARD. Oh, very well, if you won't keep away we'll go on just as though you had gone. (Goes to Letty) Darling — (Dick is going toward r. starts and turns) I love you, and I can see that my love is reciprocated. Dick, {Crosses l. angrily) The devil you can! Howard. Oh, dry up ! Who's doing this propos- ing, you or me? Dick. {Aside) I'll have to thrash him. ,( Crosses toward c.) Howard. Will you be my wife? {Crash i7iside R. 2 E, Dick startled. Enter Suzanne hurriedly R. 3. Letty crosses R. to her) WTiat's the matter? Suzanne. The cook ! Letty. Did he come? Suzanne. Did he come! He's crazy! {Crash in house R. 2 e.) Dick, Letty and Howard. (Start) Crazy! Suzanne. A raving lunatic! (Crash) Abel. (In cottage) Open that door. Let me out of here, confound it all! Suzanne. I locked him in the kitchen. (Crash. Exit Howard l. u. e. Enter from front door of cottage Freda mildly disheveled — she .exits hurriedly l. u. e. following Howard. Enter Abel from cottage dragging Worth Carew all tattered and beaten. Abel and Dick reco.gnize each other — Abel tickled — Dick paralyzed.) Abel, Dick — Dick — my boy. A 40 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Dick. Father ! (They embrace, Worth hurriedly exits c. to h, Letty faints, Suzanne catches her.) CURTAIN. ACT II. Scene : — The same. Bench up e. overturned. Pans scattered out to l. c. At rise Pollock dis- covered picking up pans. Be crosses to bench up R. Primrose. (Enters l. u. e.) Lawdy me, Mr. Pollock, what yo' all been doin' to de kitchen ? Pollock. I don't know — looks like a cyclone struck it, don't it? Primrose. Well, I should sav it does. (Crosses Pollock. (Crosses to c.) I thought you done it. Primrose. (Crosses c. Pollock crosses r. behind bench) "WTiy — me? I want you to understand I'm a lady, sah ! Don't yo' incinerate anything agin' my character, or I'll lacerate you. Pollock. (Comes from behind bench, Primrose crosses c.) Never mind Primrose. Don't git excited. Wlio do you reckon done it? Primrose. I bet six bits dat cookin' school lady done tried to light de fire wid kerosene ! Pollock. Ain't we goin' to get no dinner to-day ? Primrose. Don't y'all pester me 'bout yo' ole dinner man. (Crosses R.) Pollock. (Crosses c.) Why Primrose, you ain't quit? Primrose. (Turns on him) Yes, I has, I don't BROWN'S IN TOWN. 41 do another stroke of work — till I gets my seven dol- lars an' foah bits. Pollock. (Crosses up to c.) Didn't he pay you? Primrose. Not a cent ! Pollock. By gosh I'll have to git my pay, or I'll go on a strike myself Worth. (Sticking head up from rain barrel) Ss-s-st ! Primrose. (Crosses l., quickly looks R.) Laws sakes — what was dat? Pollock. (Same bus.) I don't know. Worth. (Looking out of barrel) Is it all over? Primrose. (Angrily crosses to barrel) Look a heah man. What does y'all mean by hidin' in dat ar ba'l. (Pollock crosses to barrel right.) Worth. Excuse me, I didn't mean to frighten vou. (They help him out of barrel. All three come down. Worth hands Pollock piece of window sash from about his neck) Heah's a piece of youah window. (Crosses l. Primrose crosses — Pollock crosses up\ R. and looks at sash. Places it by window) Have you seen my coat? Primrose. Mr. Pollock — (Pollock comes down r. to her) Who is this pusson? Pollock. Oh, that's the feller that was around liere to-day lookin' for somebody. Primrose. From de way he looks he must have found him. Worth. I say, me good woman Primrose. (Crosses c.) See heah, man, don't yo' be so familiar. Fust thing I know y'all be callin' me by my Christian name. Worth. What is your Christian name ? Primrose, (r. to Pollock) Mr. Pollock, dis gem'men wishes to make ma acquaintance. Yo' kin interduce him. i2. BROWN'S IN TOWN. Worth. Eh ? Pollock. (Crossing c.) This yere is Miss John- son. Primbose. {Swinging Pollock r. and crosses c.) Mary Ellen Primrose Johnson ! Worth. Well, Miss Mary Ellen Primrose John- son, don't be an^y. Here's a dollar for you. Primrose. (Stepping hack angrily) Look a-heah, man, don't y'all come none yo' Julius Caesar's over me! Worth. No — no — no ! I want to find out some- thing and I'm willing to pay you to tell me. Primrose. Oh, dat's different. Gimme yo' ole dollar. (Takes money) Pollock. {Crosses to Primrose — to Worth) Say, they hunnt nuthin' I kin tell ye, is they? Primrose. Mr. Pollock, dis gem'men an' me 'lows to hold a little confabulation, will yo' please make y'se'f sca'ce. Pollock. Certainly, Primrose. Certainly. I'll just go out and do my chores and then I'll lay for Brown and if I don't get my wages I'll go right over to Squire Tucker and git a summons for him. See if I don' B'gosh ! (Exit R. 1) Primrose. Now suh, percede to business. Worth. Does Mr. Brown live here ? Primrose. He calls himself Brown, but dat ain't his real name. He's livin' heah undah a finny de sickle. Worth. Fin de side? You mean nom de plimie. Primrose. (Starting to kitchen) Mabbe y'all knov/s mor' 'bout it dan I does ! Worth. (Restrains her) No, no ! How long has he been married? Primrose. Not long. Dey ain't begun to quarrel yit. Worth. Is there a single lady visiting them? Primrose. No, sah. Besides de missus, de only othah lady 'round de place is me. BROWN'S IN TOWN. 43 Worth. Sure? Phimrose. Certainly. Worth. {Crossing r. excitedly, Primrose crosses L.) She has deceived me. She is married and is concealing it, I thought so all the time. Primrose. See heah, man, what's de mattah wid you? Worth, (Sees coat r. behind bench) Ah, here's my coat! (Picks it up and turns to her) I'll go. I'll go — ('Crosses up c.) But I'll return and when I do, I'll — I'll — speak to him about it. And if he strikes me, I'll — I'll — sue him for assault. I'm a desperate man. (Crosses l. u. e.) Primrose. Dat man am sho' looney. He'd better keep away f'm heah ! (Exit r. u. e.) Dick. (Enters L. 2. Crosses c.) Letty, Letty, dear. Letty, (Enters R. 2 e. Goes to Dick) Here I am. Dick, Where's father? Letty. He's up stairs. Dick. Isn't this awful ? Letty. Our little kitchen! Our pretty little kitchen, it's a wreck, and I was just going to learn how to cook.* Dick. Yes, dear, perhaps it's all for the best. Letty. (Offended) Oh, Dick. Dick. No, I didn't mean that dear. Letty. And our secret, that we thought was kept so carefully, your father is likely to discover it at any minute. Primrose has gone to town and she'll be sure to tell everyone, we owe a penny DiCTK. (Turns arvmj — crosses, comes l.) And thev'll all be cominsr around here to collect, and I — I'm broke ! Letty. (Crosses R.) Oh, dear, dear! Howard. (With out r. u. e. Calling) Dick! Dick ! Letty. There's Arthur Howard. M BROWN'S IN TOWN. Dick. Fd like to wring his neck ! Letty. Be careful what you say to him. Dick. Keep out of sight. {Bus. Letty and exit Letty k. 2 e.) Howard. (Enters R. u. e. €omes c.) I'm shocked, sir? Shocked at your conduct to me. I don't see how you can look me in the face. Dick. (Crosses c.) Why, what's the matter with your face? Howard. You owe me (Dick crosses l.) Dick. I know. I owe everybody. I can't help it. Howard. Not money, sir ! You owe me an apology. Dick. All right, I'll apologize freely. By the way, what have I done ? Howard. (Takes c.) Done? Why you've pre- vented me from opening my heart to one of the sweetest, loveliest girls that ever lived. Dick. Who — Freda Von Hollenbeck? Howard. No. Letty Leonard. Dick. Yes, I think she is. Howard. You ? You're a married man ! ^Hiat would your wife say if she heard you? Dick. My wife thoroughly agrees with me. Howard. (Crosses l. to Dick) Your constant presence is an intrusion. See ? Hang it ! I mean to marry the lady. Dick. Do you? Not if I can prevent it. Howard. What have you to do with it ? Dick. I am slightly interested. Howard, (c. going up stage looking r.) Oh, are you? (Turns toward c.) Here she comes now, and she's crying. Look at her. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. (Stands at gate c. hack to audience) Letty. (At door of cottage) Dick — Dick, dear— BROWN'S IN TOWN. 45 (Howard turns and holes at her. Dick signals to Letty. Howard looks at Dick) Dick, your father will be down stairs directly Dick. And he'll begin to ask questions, and if we haven't any answers Letty. What will he do ? Dick. If we could only get him out of the way! Letty. Yes Howard. (Crossing down c.) Are you speaking of me, sir? Dick. No, I'm not speaking of you, sir ! (Crosses c.) I meant my father. I'm going to send him back to town. Howard. (Crosses c.) Oh, and this is your filial affection ? Dick. Now you shut up! You seem to worry a good deal about him. Howard. I do. I sympathize with him. And, in return for your treatment of me, I'll tell him that you're married. Letty. Don't you know that would ruin Dick? Howard. (Crossing c.) Precisely. That's why I'm going to do it, Dick. Is that so? Howard. Yes. Dick. This thing has gone far enough. Howard. Too far. I'll be revenged for this inter- ference. Even the humble worm will turn. (Crosses E.) Dick. (Follows him r.) Now you've got to swear secrecy, or take the consequences. Howard. What do you mean ? Dick. I mean, sir, that if my father hears of my marriage he will shortly afterwards hear of your funeral. Letty. Diclc (Dick winks at Letty.) Howard. What ! 46 BROWN'S m TOWK Dick. At one throw of the dice I may lose wife^ fortune and all, you've got to keep out of this or answer to me. Howard. But suppose he should learn it from someone else? Dick. No matter how he learns it. The minute he finds it out I'll order you to leave. You'll find it in your interest to help me conceal the truth. Howard. (Approaches Dick and shakes hands) Why of course, old fellow, I was only joking, all the time. Dick. Yes? (Looks at Letty) Howard. Why, I wouldn't think of giving you away. Of course, I don't mind a little fight, and all that sort of thing, you know, but I would scorn to betray a friend. (Eaises hand) Dick. (Pulls Howard's hand down) Why of course you would, good-bye! Good-bye. (Turns Howard up towards c.) Howard. (Turns hack again) Good-bye? Dick. (Taking him, up c.) Yes, good-bye. Sorry to see you go. You know Howard. (Stops) Yes, but I'm not going. Dick. Oh, yes, you are. (Ad lib. all come down c. Then go up) Letty. Oh, T know Dick would be delighted to have you stay. Dick. Yes, T would love to have you stay — but. you'd better go. Howard. Yes, but . Dick. (Crosses 'R.) Good-bye. (Crowds TLoward hack — Letty crosses R. of gate) Thank goodness we're rid of liim. (Dick facing front thinks Howard has gone) Howard. But I'll be back directly. (Kisses Letty's ha7id. She screams, crosses down l. Bus. with hand. Exit Howard l. u. e.) Dick. (Crosses l.) What's that? Wliat's the matter with vour hand ? BROWN'S IN TOWN. 47 Letty. Nothing, nothing. I'm glad he's gone. I wish we could be rid of your father as easily. Dick. Yes, the governor is too sharp I fear. You must keep out of his way or he will begin to ask — 62 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Dick. Put your arm round her. HowAKD. She may object. Dick. She won't. Howard. But I do. Dick. Wliy? Howard. Because it will spoil my matrimonial prospects. Dick. How so? Howard. Letty is liable to drop in at any moment and should she discover me in one of those touching tableauxs — well, my scalp would dangle at her belt in less than sixty seconds. Dick. Well, I'm sorry for you, old man, but if the old gentleman doesn't grasp the idea, you must kiss her. Howard. Well I'll be hanged if I do. (Crosses l. Rises) Dick. You'll be hanged if you don't ! You work this thing smoothly and no one will be the wiser. Howard. But how will they get your father away. Dick. Papa has met Mr. Brown — papa shall meet your wife. You are delighted to see him, and she's delighted to see him — you'd both like to have him come and live here, but you've no place for him to sleep — and he'll go home. Howard. That's a good idea. Dick. (They shake hands) Poor old chap! Howard. And if we work it smoothly Dick. He'll never suspect. Howard. I hope he doesn't. Dick. He'd better not Abel. (Without^ l. 4) Come on, Mrs. Brown. Dick. (Goes up c. tool's off) Great scott! Here •he comes now. Howard. And Letty is with him. Dick. How did they meet and what has she told him? (Dick crosses l. Howard crosses R.) BROWN'S IN TOWN. 63 Abel. (Abel and Letty enter l. 4. Down stage) Yes, yes, exactly as I was saying to Brown — (Sees Howard) Why, here's Brown now. Letty. Brown. Abel. Yes. (To Howard) Your wife and I have been looking all over the place for you, Howard. My wife? Dick. Why his wife's in the house ? Abel. No. There she is. What's the matter with you, are you blind ? Brown don't know his wife — she doesn't know him, and you, why you don't know any- thing. Dick. I know too much ! Abel. (To Howard) You are Brown, aren't you? Howard. Why certainly I'm Brown, but Abel. Yes, and — (To Letty) You are Mrs. Brown. You introduced yourself, didn't you? Letty. Yes, yes. Dick. But, I didn't know he had this one. Abel. WTiat ! Dick. I thought you meant the other Mrs. Brown. Abel. The other Mrs. Brown? Is there another Mrs. Brown? Dick. There's a whole flock of 'em. (Abel and Letty start up stage — Dick crosses R. To Howard) This will never do. Howard. Why didn't you tell me it was Letty. Dick. Do you suppose I knew it ? Letty. But Mr. Preston, don't you understand? Abel. No, madam. I don't understand. (They start down) Howard. Oh, very well, I'll carry it out. Dick. But this is the wrong girl. (Abel and Letty sit on bench l. She pantomimes to him.) Abel. Here, Brown Dick. Yes. Abel. I don't mean you, 1 mean Brown. 641 BEOWN'S IN" TOWN. HowAED. Yes. Abel. Come over here and sit down with your wife and me. (Dick and Howard cross. Dick sits hy Letty) Dick, get up from there ! Howard. Yes, yes — get up from there. (Howard throws Dick to c. and sits hy Letty) Abel. There's plenty of room if we only squeeze up close. (Letty edges to c. of bench) Why, what's the matter, crowded? Put your arm around her — put your arm around her. (Howard does so) I love to see young people^ffectionate. Dick. Stop that, Howard. (Pulls Howard's arm away) Howard. Wait, I'll kiss her directly. Dick. No — no — no. Don't kiss her. Howard. Yes, yes. You said I was to kiss her. We're to he married anyhow, you know. Take your father for a stroll. This Brown business just suits me. Dick. (Aside) And I told him to do it. (Crosses c. Crosses L. Takes Howard from, bench and pantomimes) Abel. (To Letty in low tone) How long did you say you have been married? Letty. A year. (Dick and Howard do not hear last tivo speeches.) Abel. Oh a year? Brown! (Abel coughs, Howard looks at him. Abel makes pantomime mo- tions to Howard as if holding a baby. Holds hands about 18 inches from floor as if indicating a child's 'height, then holds up one finger. Letty sees none of this bu^. Dick sees only last motion) Howard. (Rises and crosses c. To Dick) What the devil does he mean ? Dick. (Holding up one finger) He wants to know how long you have been married. BROWN'S m TOWN. 65 (Howard returns to hench, holds up three fingers.) Abel. {Rises quickly in great amazement) What ! married only a year and three children. (All startled) Oh I see — ^triplets. Howard. No. Abel. Not triplets ? Letty. We have no children. Abel. No. Howard. No. No little faces have brightened our home. Abel. What's that? Howard. I misunderstood you. Dick. (Brings Howard c. Aside, Letty and Abel sit on hench) Put an end to this, will you? Howard. (Goes bach to bench l.) We're so glad you were able to run down here, Mr. Preston. (Dick crosses r. and sits on bench.) Abel. Don't mention it. I am always glad to make people happy. Now there's my boy Dick. I'll wager he hasn't been so happy for a year. Have you ? Dick. No. Howard. Your visit has spread a general glow of happiness all over the place. My only regret is that I cannot ask you to prolong your stay. Abel. Eh ? (Dick crosses l.) Howard. You see, the fact is, there are too many mosquitoes, and not enough vegetables, and, the cook is on a strike and we haven't a place for you to sleep. Dick. (Aside to Howard) Good! Keep it up! (Crosses back to c.) Howard. And of course, to an old man like you, these things count for a good deal, and we wouldn't deprive you of them for worlds. 66 BPvOWN^S IN TOWN. Abel. Oh, nonsense ! I only came down here to Bee Dick, I think I'll go right back home this evening. Dick. (Walks R.) He's going home this evening. Abel. (Crosses b.) Yes, I'm going home this evening. Dick, you shall go with me. Dick. What! Abel. Yes, pack up your grip and we'll start in about an hour. (Letty l.) I'll spend a week with you at your quarters, then you can come back and finish your visit with Mr. and Mrs. Brown. Howard, (l. c.) Yes, Dick — in a week you can come back. Dick. (Crossing l. c. To Howard, aside) Silence ! You fool ! Persuade him to stay. Howard. Persuade him to stay. You said per- suade him to go. Dick. I have changed my mind. If he goes he will take me with him — ^lie must stay. (Abel comes c. to Dick.) Howard. (To Letty) I say darling Dick. What's that? Howard. I was only speaking to my wife. Dick. Well don't call your wife darling. (Dick starts to go to Howard, Abel turns him hack.) Letty. Can't we persuade Mr. Preston to remain a while ? Abel. Not for the world. I am fond of the city. We'll have a jolly time there, won't we, boy? Dick. OL, yes. (Crosses to Howard l. Letty c^'osses to Abel r. c.) Letty. Oh, Mr. Preston can't we persuade you to remain ? Abel. (Crosses to Howard l. c.) You've no place for me to sleep. (All heg him ad lib, to stay) Well, I'll stay. (All pleased) Howard. We'll find a place for you to sleep. BROWN'S m TOWN. 67 Letty. (To Howard) Give him your room. Dick, Yes, give him your room. Abel. Nonsense, nonsense — if Vve got to stay, why, if Dick has a double bed I'll sleep with him. Hov^ARD. (Talces Abel hy hand. Letty crosses K.) Good Mr. Preston. Make your stay as long as •possible. Abel. All right. I'll make it a couple of days. Howard. Oh, come, come ! Make it a week. Abel. All right. I'll stay a week. (Goes up stage) Letty. (To Howard) Don't you know there is such a thing as overdoing it. Dick. (Crosses R.) \^liy don't you ask him to come and live here ? Howard. Well, I was only following your instruc- tions. Abel. (Comes doiun l. c.) Dick you will have to send down to the village for my trunk, I left it there. Dick. All right, I'll send for a wheelbarrow and have Brown wheel it down — it's only two miles. Abel. (Laughs) That's a good joke on Brown. Say Dick, let's you and I go for a stroll. Dick. The sun is too hot. (Crosses l.) Abel. Nonsense — the weather is delightful! Dick. Don't you think it would be impolite to leave them alone? Abel. You young jackass, can't you see they're dying to be left alone ? Dick. Oh, are they? (^Crosses r. angrily. Abel stops him) Abel. \Aniat the devil's the matter with you? Come on ! Dick. Yes, but father (Abel lakes Dick c.) Abel. Wait till you're married and you'll know how it is yourself. 68 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Dick. But, father- Abel. Stop your nonsense. Come along. {Exit Abel, very angry l. u. e., dragging Dick of with him) Letty. (Crosses c.) Oh! This is awful. Howard. (Follows her) Oh, I don't know. I think it is good fun. Letty. (Turns to him) Oh, you cruel thing, how could you ? Howard. Oh, Letty — I Letty. Don't speak to me. Your wife indeed ! Howard. Yes, but you said you were Mrs. Brown. Letty. (Cross R.) Yes, but I didn't know that you were my husband. Howard. Neither did I. Letty. Well this never would have happened if you had stayed away. Howard. Then you would have been in a nice fix for a Mr. Brown, wouldn't you? Letty. (Crying) Oh, dear! Howard. (Touching her arm) There, there Letty, don't cry. Letty. How dare you — I will cry. (Cries) Howard. Very well — be miserable if it makes you happy. Letty. Oh, and he's going to stay a week! I shall die, I know I shall. Howard. There, there, Letty. Letty. (Very angrily) Let me alone! (Howard crosses l. quichly) It's all your fault. I never want to see your u^ly face a^ain. (Exit R. 2 into cottage) Howard. Now there's gratitude for you. After all I've done for that girl she turns me down. Ah well, th'ere are just as good fish in the sea — By jove ! I know what I'll do. I'll light out and let them explain my absence as best they can. (Looks off l. u. sees Freda) Freda, here again! (Exit r. 1 hastily) Abel. (Enters 'l. 2 e.) Dick! Dick! Where are you? Why that rascally boy has given me the slig BROWN\S IN TOWN. 69 again. Now what in the world does he mean ? He's up to some mischief I'm satisfied of that. If he is I'll make it lively for him. Fkeda. (Enters l. u. e. Crosses down R. then crosses L.) I am looking for a viper. Abel. Well, I haven't one concealed about me. Freda. You couldn't help me find him ? Abel. I am not a snake charmer. Freda. I mean a vipers mit two leggses. ( Goes H. House) Abel. Oh, I see, a museum curiosity. Freda. I have loosed him and now my heart is broken — I am broke ! Abel. No doubt a two legged snake is quite valuable. Freda. You make mit me a misunderstood — he vas my schatz. Abel. Who shot him ? Freda. Sooch a pretty young mans! Abel. Young man? Freda. Undt he is shtopping here. Abel. Young man ? Stopping here ? Freda. Ya, ya, mid Mr. Brown. Abel. With Brown ? She must mean Dick ; come here my good girl. Tell me — (Seize her by her wrist, both c.) Freda. (Pulling mvay) Shtop! You are choking me ! You gfersta me nicht. I mean my sweethearts. Abel. Your sweetheart? Freda. Say may I tell you my droubles ? Abel. You may. You may. Freda. I met him by de city, six monds ago — my fadder vas taking me drough de schools — ^he vas going to de colleges. Abel. She means my boy, Dick, you mean — you mean? Freda. Ya, dot's it, I mean to marry him. Abel. You do, you do ? Freda. I do — do, my vedding truzzle is all ready. 70 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Ach the fearst time I soen him. T loafed him at second sight. Abel. What? Freda. Yes, sir. If you haf any influence by him gotten, make him sadness for his treatment over me, vill you? Abel. Will I? Yes, I will. (Crosses c) Wait for me out here — I'll find him and bring him here, and when I do, I promise you he shall be sorry. He shall be sorry. Freda. Oh, sir! You are so goot and I am so thankless. Let me embracing you for your kind- ness. (Embraces Abel) Abel. Stop ! No familiarity, young woman. Go away. Freda. (Crosses r.) Oh, sir! Let me thank you for your kindness and your goodness of your heart. Ach du lieber! I couldt loaf you. (Exit R. 1 e.) Abel. My boy Dick has been acting the part of a scoundrel. I'll find him at once and make him ex- plain. Dick! Dick! (Exit ^. 2. Letty en/ers R, 3. Dick enters l. 4. They meet and embrace) Letty. Oh, Dick, what are we to do? Abel. (At window in house) Ah, you scoundrel ! At it again ! Dick. What shall I say to him ? Letty. Don't say anything? Dick. I must say something. Letty. (c.) Don't speak to me. (Dick crosses l.) .Abel. (Enters b. 2) You infernal villain ! How dare you make love to your friend's wife ? Dick. I didn't. Abel, (c.) I saw you! And you madam — aren't you ashamed to look me in the face ? Letty. (l. c.) Oh! Abel. You, sir ! making love to a married woman. BROWN'S IN TOWN. 71 with the victim of your perfidy waitinp^ for you there. Dick. (Crosses c. to Abel) My victim? Abel. The woman you promised to marry, Dick. I promised? Abel. Yes, you. Letty. Oh, Dick, what have you done? Dick. I'm damned if I know. Abel. Here woman — (Crosses to house) Come here, quick ! (Enter Freda r. 1 dragging Howard, Abel points to Dick) Is this your man? Freda. Nein. Here he is. Abel. WTiat! Brown! Suzanne. (Enters r. 2. Looking and pointing at Howard) Brown, what are you doing with my husband ? Abel. What ! Your husband ? Suzanne. Yes. (To Dick) Isn't he? Abel. Three of 'em! Well, I'll be damned. (Suzanne and Freda tugging at Howard r. Abel throws Letty to c. Letty amazed. Abel holds Dick l. Pantomime bus.) QUICK CURTAIN. 12 BROWN'S IN TOWN. i u < Z u «n & a o a < w o t < 11 2 $ o o o n BROWN'S IN TOWN, ,73 ACT III. Scene: — Any pretty interior will do. Stairway at hack, leading down to landing at hack center. Large French window at R. c. leading out to porch luith balustrade. Doors R. 3 E., l. 2 E. and L. 3 e. Table with a chair on either side down R. c. Sofa down L. c. Discovered at rise — singing outside — Letty discovered standing at window R. c. looking R. Letty. (Crosses c.) How pretty. (Calls) Suzanne ! Suzanne ! Suzanne. (Without l. u. or 3) Yes? Letty. Did Pollock bring your gown? Suzanne. (Enters f. d. l. down stairs crossing L.) Yes, dear, Fve got it on. Letty. (Crossing r. doivn r.) And remarkably well it becomes you. Suzanne. No compliments. Letty. Very well, I'll leave them for your hus- band. Suzanne. Which one ? I'm married to everybody about the place. If you have any stray bachelors around bring them on. I don't want to slight any- l)ody. What was that music ? Letty. Some of the college boys on the way home. Wasn't it pretty? Suzanne. Lovely. Caught me right here. I hope your papa-in-law heard it. They say music hath charm to soothe the savage beast. Where is he? Letty. Upstairs, stamping about in a fury. Suzanne. Has he found out anything? Letty. I'm afraid he has found out everything. It's all the fault of that impertinent Arthur Howard. Suzanne. Impertinent? 74 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Letty. Yes — the stupid fellow. Suzanne. I don't think he's stupid. Letty. Well, I do. I wish he'd never come here. Suzanne. I think he's very kind to help you out. Letty. He's been a great nuisance, making love to me. Suzanne. He had to do it. Letty. That doesn't make it pleasant. Suzanne. For that matter, Dick made love to me. Letty. Oh, well, there's a difference between Dick and Arthur Howard. Suzanne. I think it's greatly in Arthur's favor. Letty. (Rises, crosses c.) Arthur? Suzanne. Yes, Arthur. I think he's very good looking. Letty. What ! Suzanne. I like bright people. A dull man is \cry disgusting. (Goes up to staircase) You are very unjust to Mr. Howard, and very ungrateful. I've a good notion to tell him so. Now. (Exit Suzanne up staircase and l.) Letty. Well, upon my word. I believe she is in love with him herself. I'll tell Dick. (Exit E. 2 E.) (Enter Dick o-nd Howard through window r. c. They go to tahle down R. Hoavard chair R. of tahle. Dick chair L. of table.) Howard. (Dejectedly) Dick, don't 3^ou think marriage is a failure? Dick. Well, there's such a thing as having too mucli of a good thing. (Noise outside of furniture being turned) He's at it again. Howard. If he keeps it up you'll have to buy a new set of furniture. Dick. What witli? Promises? I'm too deeply in debt now to get out for a year. There's Pollock, BROWN'S m TOWN. 7$ Jones the storekeeper, even my landlord. They're all after me. Abel. (Without l.) What's that you say? All right. Dick. (Crosses c.) Listen! x\bel. (Without L.) Downstairs? Very well, I'll find the rascal. Dick. He's coming down. Howard. Then I'm off. (Crosses R. 2) Dick. So am I. (Crosses l. Exit both R. 3 and L. 2) Abel. (Without L. calling) Dick! Brown! Mrs. Brown! (Enters doionstairs L. Crosses c.) Where the devil are they all? I can't find a soul about the place to answer a question — excepting the cook, and she only repeats she wants her wages. If I don't get at the bottom of this I'll lose my temper. Dick ! Dick ! Where's that boy gone to ? (Exit R. u. Boys simultaneously stick heads in at door r. and L. Bus. looking about) Howard. Has he gone? Dick. I think so. (Enter L. and crosses c. Howard enters r.) Abel. (Without) Well, may I be everlastingly be-num-mumble-blind-etc. (Dick crosses l. and Howard crosses up r. and looks off.) Howard. He's swearing now. (^Coming down R. c.) Sounds like a foreign language, doesn't it? Dick. I hope he won't translate it. Poor little girl. I'm afraid to face her. Howard. I don't see any way out of it, do you? Dick. One. Brown must pull me through. Howard. Brown ? Dick. Yes, Brown. Dick Preston is unknown here. He is single; he is not in debt. Brown owes everybody in the vicinity. 76 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Howard. And has committed bigamy. Dick. And is in a fair way to be sued for breach of promise. Howard. Yes. Dick. Well, I'm going to lay it all on to Brown. You do the same. We'll blacken Brown till he'll be a candidate for the penitentiary. Howard. No. I'm Brown. Dick. So am I. Howard. Then what will become of me? Dick. This mythical Brown will disappear. Howard. I see. Dick. Vanish utterly from the face of the earth. Dick Preston will resume his studies in the city and Arthur Howard will show up as usual in his office, and no one the wiser. Howard. That's a good idea. Abel. {Off r.) Well, if this don't tetotally beat anything I ever heard of. Where in thunder can he be? Dick. There he is again. Howard. He is going out. Dick. No. He is coming in. I'm going out. (Both go L. Exit Dick door l. 2 slamming door. Noise) (Enter Abel r. u. He sees Howard at door trying to get out.) Abel, (r. c.) Oh, oh, here you are eh? Howard. (Comes l. c.) Yes, I'm here. Abel. Where's that scapegrace son of mine? Howard. I don't know. (Crosses R.) Abel. Very meek, aren't you? Quite lamb-like. You young reprobate ! No one, to look at you could imagine the depths of infamy you have reached. Dick is a scoundrel — and you — ^you are as bad as he. Howard. Worse. Abel. Worse — I don't doubt it. If ii's possible, BROWN'S IK TOWN. ^7 you're worse. (Bus, kicks footstool, throws vase through ivindow ) HoWx\ED. There goes the conservatory. Abel. Now then — I'm calm — I'm quite calm. Now we'll have some explanations. HowAED. Now I'm going to have a nice time, (Sits chair L. of table R.) Abel. Well, well. Why do you sit there, staring at me? Do you want me to lose my temper again, when you see I'm calm. Why don't you explain ? Howard. Certainly — certainly. It's all very simple, so I'll just go out and get Dick, (Howard sta?is out) and let him explain. Abel. (Brings him hack) No, you won't. An explanation right here will be just as appropriate and more satisfactory. Howard. Yes, of course. Well, you see, the fact is, I would be delighted to satisfy you but I don't know just what you want explained. Abel. Well, we will begin, Brown, with the fact that you have two wives. Can you explain that? Howard. No. Abel. No? Howard. I can't explain it. I've got 'em — can't help myself. Does seem a little peculiar, doesn't it? Abel. Slightly. Do you know what the law calls this playful eccentricity — Bigamy. It isn't customary to have two wives except in IJtah. (Walks c.) Howard. (Follows him c. catches the idea and sighs relieved) Utah? Yes. You see, I married them there. Abel. (Startled) Eh? Married them both at the same time? Howard. Fact, I assure you. My father was a Mormon — so were all his wives. All my mothers were Mormons. It runs in the family. Quite natural, wasn't it? that when I grew up I should marry a couple of pretty girls? 78 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Abel. {€omes c. to Howard) Do you mean to tell me you married them both? Howard. Yes. We had a fine wedding — music, flowers, cakes, breakfast, and then my little brides nnd I went on our honeymoon. Abel. Great Scott! And you are the man, my boy, Dick has picked out for a friend? First thing I know, Dick will turn Mormon and marry a whole female seminary. (Letty enters R. 2 B., sees Abel, shrinks hack. Continuing) Come here Mrs. Brown No. ] . By George, if all the little Mormons look like you I don't blame this young rascal. Letty. Mormons ? Howard. Yes, my dear. I was just telling Mr. Preston how we were all married at Salt Lake City. Letty, (Going l. to Howard) Were you? That's nice. {Aside to him) Tell me. Abel. (To Howard) Well, you've explained your side of the case. (To Letty) Can you explain yours? I caught you, Mrs. Brown number one, in the arms of a young man — my son. Letty. (Going c. to Abel) Well, I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Preston Howard. (Drops into chair R. of table r.) If she does, we're gone. Letty. You see, I am of a very affectionate dis- position — (Abel starts away) and think the world and all of my husband Abel. Ah, that's better. Letty. But he is so fickle; he has no time to devote to me. Abel. I suppose he spends all of his time with the other one? Letty. Yes. sir, with the other one; with all of them. Abel. All of them? How many are there? Letty. Oh, six or seven, T suppose. (Howard hides head under table cover.) BKOWN'S IN TOWN. 79 Abel. ({Jomes R. c. to Letty) Six or seven wives ? Letty. (Shrinking back) No — not wives. Abel. Not wives? Infamous! (Letty tries to approach him) Don't come near me. Silence. I have heard enough. Dick ! Dick ! Pack up your grip — six or seven — and not wives. (Goes up, Letty follows him — Exit Abel stairioay and L. u.) Howard. (Rises and crosses to Letty) Had to celebrate it, didn't you? Letty. (Turns and comes down) I didn't mean Harold. (Follows her doivn) Oh, no — you didn't mean Letty. (Goes to Howard) What did you tell him? Howard. (Crosses R.) I told him enough to get me a sentence for bigamy. I'm going to get out of this. You must come with me. I won't leave you here mixed up in this affair. Come on. Letty. Go with you? Never. I'll find Dick's father and tell him all. (Exit upstairs l. u. e.) Howard. (Crosses c.) She's gone. He's gone — they're all gone — well I'm gone. (Goes to door r. it. E. Meets Freda entering) Oh, here you are. Freda. (Goes to l.) Yes, I'm here. I've been making a vaiting for you. Explanation yourself. Howard, (r.) Now she's at it. Explanation! I've been making them all day. And you can have a good one for practice makes perfect. Freda. You haf deceptioned me. (Howard goes l., she follows) You are not my affidity. (He goes behind couch l.) Shall you not be ashamed by yourself mit two viveses alreatty? (Howard crosses c, she comes to end of couch) Don'd you dink it's against the law to commit arson ? Howard. Those ladies are not my wives. Freda. What ! Howard. No. 80 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Freda. But you said dey were. Explanation your- self. {She comes c. to him) Howard. I haven't time, but I'm not a married man. Freda. Den vat are dose vimmens mit you to do ? Howard. Well, I only pretended to be their hus- band. Freda. De shameless vimmens. You viper. (Howard goes to table r.) You only pretend to be deyre husbandt? (Chases him around table R. Both go up c.) Abel. (Enters downstairs l. u. Catches Freda, all three come down c.) Hello — what's this? Freda. He shall veddink me or I shall sue him for breeches of promise. Abel. No, you won't. This isn't Utah. Come with me. (Taking Freda up l. c.) I'll see you to the gate. (Howard crosses l.) Freda. I vill not go. Abel. Yes, you will. I'll put a stop to this whole- sale matrimonial business. (Takes Freda by arm, leads her up to d. f. l. Bus. she protesting) There, madam, you have ten minutes. Just time to catch the train for town. (Exit both l. c. r.) (Enter Suzanne down stairway l. u. with hat and wrap. Goes R. 2.) Howard. (Crosses l.) I am in luck. She's gone. (Turns, sees Suzanne, crosses to c.) What, Mrs. Brown, going out? Suzanne. (At door r. 2) I'm going home. Howard. Home. When are you coming back ? Suzanne. Never. Howard. Has it come to this? (Goes to her) Oh, Mrs. Brown, don't be rash. You are taking a BROWN'S m TOWN. SI momentous step, it's a terrible thing for a young woman to leave her husband Suzanne. (Crosses in front of table) He's not my husband any longer. I'm done with all this folly. Howard. Don't say that. Suzanne. Now don't try to alter my determina- tion. Howard. Now, don't go away and leave poor Dick in the lurch. What would his father say? Suzanne. {Crosses l.) I'm sick of his father. Howard. So am I. But Dick's a good chap. Perhaps this can be patched up. Won't you stay for his sake ? Suzanne. No. Howard. (Crosses c.) Then I ask you as a favor to me to wait until there is some sort of an explana- tion. Suzanne. Well, I — I Howard. Just a little while. Suzanne. If you only knew- HowARD. I don't want to know, it's none of my business. Suzanne. But, if I told you why Howard. (Following her) Have I anything to to do with it? Suzanne. Yes. Howard. He's not jealous^? Suzanne. (Sits on bench l.) Of you? Silly, isn't he? Howard. (Leans over her) No. Suzanne. No ? Howard. No; he's right. For the first time in my life I envy someone else. Dick's a lucky fellow. (Bus. of close to her) Dick. (Enters downstairs from l. 2) Hello. What are you two up to? Howard. (Crosses to door l. 3 e.) Oh, I'm just 82 BROWN"'S 11^ TOWl^. getting- aequaiiited with my second wife. (EjAt Howaiid) Suzanne. (Lo.oJcs after Howard, then crosses c. (o Dick) Dick, can't you get another Mrs. Brown? Dick. Great Scott. I've got one too many now. {She crosses R.) Where are you going? Suzanne. I'm tired of this. I can't stand it. I won't be mixed up in it any longer. Dick. Suzanne, you mustn't desert me. Suzanne. Oh, it's too much for my nerves. 'Dick. Think of me. (She shakes head) Think of Letty — (Same hits.) Think of the dinner. Suzanne. (Comes to him) Oh, I forgot — the dinner. Dick. That dinner — when Dad dines heartily he goes to sleep. He always awakens in a good humor. How was it getting on, Suzanne? Suzanne. Splendidly. The steak has been boiling for two hours and the new crop of biscuit is lovely. I couldn't find any baking powder so I used corn starch Dick. What for? Suzanne. Oh, Dick, we must have soup. Find your gardener and send him to the village. Tell him to get a mock turtle for the soup. Hurry. (Exit Dick L. 2 E. Suzanne crosses hack to c.) I'll stay. 1*11 stay. I believe he likes me better than Letty. I wonder if he does. I won't tell Letty. I'll get even with her for saying mean things about him. (Crosses L.) Worth. (Enters r.) Miss Dacre Suzanne. Sh — someone might hear you. Worth. My trap is here. Are you ready to go ? Suzanne. No ; I'm going to stay here. Worth. This is peculiar — explain. Suzanne. No, I won't. I don't know what you want explained, and I couldn't explain if I did. (Cross R.) I'm going to get my dinner. Worth. Oh, very well, Mrs. Brown. BROWN'S IN TOWN. 83 Suzanne. Mrs. Brown? Worth. You see, I know your secret. Suzanne. Who told you I am Mrs. Brown? Worth. A man. He left an impression here. (Shows bruised eye) I struck him in the fist with my eye. Suzanne. It's a mistake — I'm not Mrs. Brown. Worth. You're not? Suzanne. Certainly not. Worth. Then there is still hope for me ? {Kneels c. stiffly) Miss Dacre — (Enter Abel) I want to tell you that I love you Abel. Caesar's ghost. (Worth rises, hus. fright- ened on seeing Abel. Bus. goes behind table r.) Every time I enter this room there's something of this sort going on^ Young man, the fact that Brown has two wives and you have none, doesn't warrant you in taking one of them. If Brown don't put a stop to this he won't have a wife left. (Worth moves R. and looks R.) Suzanne. What on earth are you talking about? Abel. Concealment is useless. (Abel crosses R. Worth crosses l. frightened) Brown told me all about the double wedding in Salt Lake City, the cake, the flowers, and the honeymoon. Aren't j^ou ashamed of yourself Madam, marrying a Mormon, with another wife and half a dozen — by the way, what is your number ? Suzanne. Number ? Abel. The marriage tie must be respected even if it is tied in four or five knots — (To Worth) Now you light out. Worth. Sir! Don't touch me — I'm a desperate man. Suzanne. Don't hurt him. (Confused scene. Bus. Exit all l. 3 E.) 84 BROWN'S IN TOWN. (Enter Letty downstairs l. u. Enter Dick l. 2. They come to c.) Letty. Dick, dear, what are we going to do? (Cries) Dick. I don't know. (They separate) Either they must all go, or we will. Letty. Oh, can we go, Dick, can we? Let's run away. I'll go to papa and tell him the truth. Dick. Tell him you've married a chap who hasn't a thing in the world but a wife and then if he won't forgive us I'll go to work. Letty. I'll help you all I can, Dick. It's my fault this came about. Dick. Your fault? .Nonsense. Letty. It is too. If you hadn't gotten married, your father wouldn't have been angry and if you hadn't seen me you wouldn't have gotten married. Oh, I'm to blame. Dick. Not at all. Letty. Oh, I am. Dick. You're not. Letty. I am too. Dick, (Crosses R.) I say you are not. You are absolutely innocent of the whole thing and if I had been half a man you would not be in this embarrassing position. Letty. Dick Preston! I'll not permit you to speak so harshly of my husband. Dick. I'll say what I like about your husband. (Turns and crosses c.) Letty. Oh, Dick. Dick. ('Crosses up c.) I'll go out in the garden and call myself names. Letty. Dick, don't go away angry. Howard. (Enters l. 2 e. astonished) Letty! Dick and Letty. (Picture, tableau, separate) Oh! Howard. What do you mean, sir? BROWN'S IN TOWN. 85 Dick. T think the circumstances speak for them- selves. Howard. Yes, I think they do. {To Lbtty) Don't you know he's a married man? Letty. Yes, I married him. Howard. What! (To Dick) How many wives have you ? Dick. One. That's the legal limit. Letty. Isn't one enough? Howard. Yes, he'll find it enough. I've got two now and the number is rapidly increasing. May I ask who is — (Crosses (?.) Dick. The other one? Miss Suzanne Dacre, aa accommodating person Letty. Who consented to marry you both. Dick. On the instalment plan. Letty. For a brief period Dick. To help us conceal the truth. And now, as you've discovered our little secret, (Crosses) perhaps it would be best to bring your visit to a close. Howard. And if I refuse? Dick. Then I'll bring it to a close. Howard. (Bus. crossing in betiveen Dick and Letty) No, no. Let me congratulate both of you. Dick. I thought you were determined to marry Letty? Howard. I've changed my mind. Letty. Thank you. Howard. You have my best wishes, Letty. And you won't tell ? How^ard. I'll be as silent as a Sphinx. (Dick and Letty juhilant — Letty e. Dick l. c. Howard c.) Suzanne. (Enters r. 2 e. with newspaper) Oh, Dick — Dick Dick. It's all right, he knows all about it. Letty. He doesn't mind, isn't it nice ? 86 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Howard. I know all — I don't care, (All three surround her simultaneously.) Suzanne. No, no, no ! This is terrible. All Three. What is it? (Dick crosses to Suzanne.) Suzanne. Read, read. (Gives Dick paper) Dick. Grand bargain sale — (e. reads aloud, Letty snatches paper) Letty. (Reads) A new anaesthetic discovered — (Howard snatches paper, Letty and Dick each seize the paper. It comes into three pieces. Bus. each tries to read — Suzanne goes doivn the line and tahes paper from Howard. Howard crosses l. and talces paper from Suzanne — she retains part of it. Howard crosses l. Dick crosses R. Letty up c. Suzanne crosses l.) Suzanne. Read that. (Paper to Letty. Dick R., Letty r. c. Suzanne l c, Howard l. All in line) Letty. (Reads) ^' The defendant swore that he had never married the plaintiff. Thereupon Mrs. Chanler testified that in her presence and before divers other persons the defendant had claimed said Margaret Payton as his wife, thus establishing a common law marriage.'^ Suzanne. (Crosses J{.) That's what we've done — everyone of us — it's legal. We've all committed biganiy. Letty. Oh ! Suzanne. (To Dick) I'm your wife — I .said so. Letty. No. Suzanne. Yes. (Pointing to Howard) He's your husband, he said so. BROWN^S IN TOWN. ST Dick. I guess not. Suzanne. He's mine too. (Howard exhibits joy, etc. Bits, etc.) Dick, (c.) Oh, this is the .most thoroughly married crowd I ever saw. Letty. {'C7'osses to Suzanne r.) Oh, please for- give us for getting you into this. Howard and Suzanne, Oh, I don't mind. (They fooJc at each other) Dick. (r. c.) What Letty. (Crosses to Dick r. c.) Dick, Dick, don't you understand? Come away. (Pantomime bus, Dick comprehends — they go'R.H) Dick. I say, old fellow, won't you come out and have a divorce with me? Howard. No, thanks. (Letty drags Dick away and exit both B.) Suzanne. Fm not a wife, Howard. Yes, you are. Suzanne. Eh ? Whose ? Howard. Mine. Suzanne. (Rises) Mr. Howard Howard. It's legal. There's a precedent. Suzanne. Don't talk nonsense. Howard. I'm not. Suzanne. It was all a joke. Howard. Let's go from jest to earnest. Suzanne. (Crosses c.) Oh, I must go and see about the dinner. Howard. (Stops her) It can wait. Suzanne. The meat will burn. Howard. The moment I saw you I envied Dick, for I thought you were his wife. When I found out how much I thought of you I was going away in despair. You said you were my wife, to make them 88 BROWN'S IN TOWN. happy — won't you say it to make me happy ? ( Tahes her hand) Suzanne. Oh — I — I've only known you a day. This is so sudden — (They embrace) and — and — how about Freda? Howard. Freda is nothing to me. Suzanne. (Crosses n.) She's your " affidity." Howard. Oh, Miss Dacre. Suzanne. She loafs you. Howard. Suzanne ! Suzanne. You are a viper. Howard. Won't you answer ? Suzanne. No, no, no, not now. (Goes to door R. 2 E.) Wait till I get my divorce. (Exit R. 2 E.) Primrose. (Enters window, comes c.) AVha is dat man dat owes me money ? Howard. Brown ? Primrose. Brown, or Preston, whatever his name is, I want ma month's wages. Howard. {Crosses c. to Primrose) I think he's out in the kitchen. Primrose. I'll see. I wants ma money. If I don't git it thar'll be a rough house — you heah me. Howard. How much does he owe you ? Primrose. Seven dollahs an' foah bits. Howard. Here Primrose, here's your money. Now get to work. (Gives her money) Primrose. Thankee suh, yo' cert'ny is a puffeck gem'men. Howard. Don't say anything. Primrose. I'm dumb fo' anothah week. (Exit PRI]\I.R0SE R. 2) Howard. This is the only way to get Suzanne away from that kitchen. (Enter Dick hy window) jDick, Primrose has come back — looking for trouble. She says Brown must settle. (Laughs and exits L. 2) Dick. (Crossing l, following Howard) I haven't a cent. Abel. (Enters R., comes to Dick) Well, I have BROWN'S IN TOWN. 89 found you at last. Pack your grip and we'll go. I won't let you visit a man like Brown. Why didn't you tell me he was a Mormon? Dick. A Mormon ? Is he a Mormon ? Abel. Is he a Mormon ? How else do you account for the two Mrs. Brown ? Dick. Easily enough. The other one is a widow. She was married to his brother. Why did you think he was a Mormon? Abel. He told me so. Dick. Oh, father, perhaps he has lied. Abel. Exactly. Who to? (Goes up stage, looks out bay ivindow — Enter Howard hastily l. 2) Dick. What's the matter? Howard. Freda ! Dick. After you? Howard. Yes. Dick. If she gets in here she will give away the whole thing. Howard. {Locks door) Keep her out. Abel. (Comes down c.) You've been running. Howard. Yes — from the dog. Abel. Mad dog? Shoot him. Howard. No ; I'll lock him out. (Noise at door without L.) Freda. (Without, pounding on door) Ach, du lieber. Abel. What's that racket? Howard. (Aside) That infernal woman. (Crosses c. to Abel) Oh, that's only his tail. He stands against the door and waggles his tail you know. Abel. He must be a large dog Howard. He is. I'd better drive him away. (Takes pitcher of water, opens door slightly, throws water out. Freda, without, screams — hoys sing loudly and in discord to drown her voice) Abel. What are you doing? Dick. (To Howard) She's gone. Abel. (To Dick) Don't speak to that man. 90 BROWN^S IN TOWN. Follow me immediately. {Exit Abel d. f. r. Dick starts up stage. Enter Suzanne r. 1 e.) Suzanne. Dick — (He comes c.) Primrose has come back and gone to work. She won't open her mouth, (Crosses L. 2) Dick. (Crosses R.) She won't keep that up long. Howard. Did you get that divorce? Suzanne. Yes. (Howard kisses her. Letty enters R. 2 E. Suzanne and Howard each pick up cushions from sofa L. Quickly look at each other) Don't you think this is a pretty pattern? (Suzanne is L. of sofa. Letty r. of it Dick r. of Letty, Howard hack of sofa) Dick. Well, let's hold a council of war. Letty. Yes. What shall we do ? Howard. Get your father away. Dick. If he goes he'll take me. Suzanne. Confess. Letty. Then he'll disinherit us. Howard. (Crosses R.) Let's lay it all on Brown. Dick. Just as I said. Howard. (Starts up) Then I'll clear out. Freda. (Without) Ach du lieber. Choost vait till I get you vonct. (Howard comes down again.) Howard. No use. (Goes hack of sofa) Dick. She's on the look out. Suzanne. Oh, dear ! Letty. What shall we do? (All four talk ad lib. Enter Abel u. f. r. Sees Dick sitting hy Letty l. Drags him over R. and puts him in chair) Abel. You sit there. Letty. What shall we do ? Suzanne. Get him to bed then we can talk. Howard. Wliat time is it, Dick ? Dick. (Hides alarm clock under his coat) Ten o'clock. BROWN'S IN TOWN. 91 Abel, (c.) Ten o'clock — I had no idea it was so late. Dick. It grows late very early here in the country. Abel. Yon must be mistaken. (He looJcs at watch — all gather round him) Why — ifs stopped. (All sigh — relieved. Alarm clock qoes off. Abel surimsed — Dick gives clock to Letty, she to Suzanne, Suzanne to Howard, he crosses r. u. and gives it to Primrose at hay window. The two girls cross l. Abel c. Dick r. All done quickly, Howard stands hack of sofa c.) Well, that settles it. Last train for town has gone. We'll have to stay here to-night, Suzanne. Oh dear, I can't stay. Abel. No? Why not? Letty. Oh, she's going to visit a sick aunt. Abel. Too bad. But I don't suppose she'll be lonely — (Howard ?/mt'ws) Ahem! About bed time, isn't it? All. {Yawning) Oh, no. Abel. I suppose you rise early. All. {Yawning) Oh, yes. Abel. Then you must retire early. All. {Yawning) Oh, yes. Abel. {Yawns) Don't let me keep you up. Brown. Tell me, are you sleepy? Howard. Just a little. z\bel. Come, Dick, let's go. {Takes Dick c.) Dick. I'm not sleepy. Abel. Everybody else is. Dick. Well, dad, if you want to retire, go on — don't mind me. Abel. Bless you, I'm as wide awake as a bat. {All sigh, groan, etc.) Say, Brown, you don't mind if Dick sits up a while longer. Howard. Not at all. Abel, You won't think it impolite of him? Howard. No. Abel. Dick, you shall sit up if you like. {All pleased) I'll sit up with you. {All disgusted) Take 93 BROWN'S IN TOWN. your wives, Brown, and go to bed. (Letty and Suzanne scream, both horrified. Abel amazed: Exit Letty e. 1 and exit Suzanne l. 3) What the devil — (Crosses L.) Feeda. {Without — yells) Ach, du lieber. (Boys sing loudly to drown her voice.) Abel. (Bus.) Are you chaps practicing for grand opera ? HowAED. (Looks out) She's gone. (Crosses l. Dick crosses e. Feeda enters through window k.) Feeda. Aha^ aha. Dick. Great Scott ! Hov\rAED. (Crosses l.) Freda. Abel. (Crosses to e. c. intercepts Feeda) See here — I told you to go home. Feeda. I vill not vent. I vill make a shtopping. Abel. What do you want? Feeda. Him. He shall vedding me or I shall commit poison. Abel. He can't marry you. Feeda. Vy, it isn't? Abel. He has two wives now. Feeda. Dey ain't his vivesses. Abel. How do you know? Feeda. He tole it. He is a single bachelor. (Ad lib) HowAED. Dry up. Dick. Clear out. Feeda. Nein. I vill stay. Abel. See here, Brown — (To Howaed) Feeda. He ist not Brown. Abel. What ? Feeda. Nein — call it to him. (Points to Dick) Abel. Him ? He's Brown. Feeda. Ya. Dick. I'm a dead man. (Crosses e.) BROWN'S IN TOWN. 93 Abel. Nonsense. That's my son Dick. Freda. He is Brown. (Dick and Howard tap their foreheads.) Abel. I know it. I thought so all along. (To Freda) Go home. Shoo. Scat. You're crazy— don't you suppose I know my own son? Freda. I shall not vent. I vill make him such a lawsuit. I vill do a killing. Ach du lieber. (Abel pushes her out at window, Dick and Howard shake hands.) Abel. (Crosses R.) They ought to, lock her up somewhere. Primrose. (Enters R. 3 e. To Dick) Dinner's ready, Mr. Brown. Howard and Dick. (Bus.) Hush. Abel. Mr. Brown? Primrose. Yes suh. Abel. Is he Brown? Primrose. He sho' is. Abel. Are you sure? Primrose. Certain. Bettah come right on in soon's y'all kin, fo' it gits all col'. (Exit Primrose R. 2 e.) Abel. (Crosses c. to Dick) Brown! Aha! Dick. (Crosses to R. 2. Calls off) Come in, dear, he knows all. (Enter Letty r. 2. Enter Suzanne l. 2.) Abel. (Crosses c. to Howard) Who the devil are you? Howard. My card. (Bus, card) Abel. Are you a Mormon ? Howard. No. Abel. (Indicating Letty) Is this woman your wife? 94 BROWN'S IN TOWN. Letty. (r. c.) No indeed. Abel. (Indicating Suzanne) Have you married this one? Howard. Not yet. Suzanne, (l.) He's going to. Abel. (To Dick) Are you known as Brown? Dick, (r.) Yes sir. Abel. Are you married ? Dick. Yes sir. Abel. You didn't marry all of them, did you? Dick. (Presents Letty) My wife. Abel, I've met her. Well, you've disobeyed me. Now what will you do? Dick. Go to work. Abel. That's a good idea. You won't get a penny from me. Howard and Suzanne. (Cross c.) Oh, Mr. Preston Abel. Not a penny. Not a single, solitary cent. If you had come to*me and confessed I might have forgiven you. But you've pulled the wool over my eyes till I'm dazed. Why did you do it, eh? Letty. Why, we wanted to keep it a secret. Abel. But you didn't. Letty. No — we didn't. I'm willing to stick to Dick though, even if he is poor — but I'm .sorry for him. Abel, He deserves it. Letty. No, he don't. You said to-day that if Dick ever married you'd pick out just such a home and just such a wife for him. Dick. Well, I did if for myself. Abel. I didn't tell him he could do it. Letty*. It seems you've changed your mind, so good-bye. (Letty am^d Dick start up) Abel. Come back here. (To Dick) Be a good husband, Dick, you've got the best little wife in the world. Dick. Oh, dad ! BROWN'S IN TOWN. 95 Abel. Shut up! (Bus.) I've got something in my throat. Howard. It's all right, Dick. Suzanne. No cards. Abel. (To Howard and Suzanne) The knot must be tied at my house in town. Dick and I'll show you all the sights, and before I'm done with you all our friends will know that Brown's in Town. (Primrose on, ringing helL) TABLEAU. _.;-__CURTAIN— :— > .■-i?*>., ■ - ' .c^i«^; LIBRPRY OF CONGRESS 015 873 914 8