Classl^S 3512. Book fcfSiAZSL GopyrightN . no COFOTGirr deposit. -WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" H flMa^ in Gbree Hcts BY HARVEY O'HIGGINS AND HARRIET FORD Written for the benefit of the War Orphans of the Allies i iile from "Briggs" of the New York Tribune Sung, "Marching to Berlin" — Words by Oliver Herford. Music by R. Hugo. Produced under the direction of George Henry Trader Copyright, 1918, by Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford Copyright, 1920, by Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford -WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" H flMap in Gbree Hcte BY HARVEY O'HIGGINS AND HARRIET FORD Written for the benefit of the War Orphans of the Allies Title from "Briggs" of the New York Tribune Song, "Marching to Berlin" — Words by Oliver Herford. Music by R. Hugo. Produced under the direction of George Henry Trader Copyright, 1918, by Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford Copyright, 1920, by Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford < * K) S Copyright by Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford, 1918 (On account of the Government's indorsement of this play, it is necessary to stipulate that it shall not be altered nor added to at any performance.) Copyright, 1920, by Harvey O'Higgins and Harriet Ford Ocld 55977 NOV -8 X FOREWORD The production of "When a Feller Needs a Friend," it was generally agreed, was one of the surest and most satisfactory of plans for propa- ganda and war-relief that the world brought into being. And though the armistice was declared just before the New York performance of the play was given, enough money was earned at this perform- ance for the adoption and maintenance of a large number of war orphans. The comedy was written for use by amateur or- ganizations, societies, schools, colleges, lodges, churches, clubs, with the idea of first having a New York performance and then printing the play for production throughout the United States, free of royalty, the only condition being that the profits from such productions be given for the adoption of war orphans. The enterprise was originally undertaken by the New York branch of the Stage Women's War Re- lief and the opening production in New York at the New Amsterdam Theatre, given on Sunday, De- cember i, 191 8, surpassed all expectation in the heartiness and enthusiasm of the support it drew. The All-Star Cast whose names appear all gave their services generously, no less than did the au- thors, directors, managers, printers and every one else connected with the production. With the end of the war the play was turned over to "The Oasis," the newest of New York women's clubs, which now controls it. Already the reaction, 3 4 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" inevitable at first, against war subjects, is dying out, and "The Oasis" feels that a great field is open, by means of this play, to help and relieve war orphans whose need remains, even though the war is over. It is with that object that "The Oasis" is now publishing this sparkling comedy and looks for a wide production on amateur stages throughout the country. For rights and terms of production, address The Plav Committee, "The Oasis," 19 East 4?th Street, New York City. LETTERS OF INDORSEMENT The White House, Washington. This play, "When a Feller Needs a Friend," has been contributed, free of royalties, by the authors, and will be produced first in New York by leading actors who will donate their services. Arrangements will then be made for its presentation, free of cost, in every part of the country under the aus- pices of local charitable associations, fraternal orders, amateur dramatic associations, etc. It is a novel idea that promises a very high degree of effectiveness, and I am glad to give it my heartiest ap- proval and support. (Signed) Woodrow Wilson. * * * * The Secretary of State, Washington. This undertaking is unique and its success must be great. I am sure that "When a Feller Needs a Friend" will meet with the same generous response which has characterized the American spirit throughout the war. I warmly com- mend it. (Signed) Robert Lansing. * * * * The Secretary of the Interior, Washington. I thoroughly indorse the effort which is to be made to raise money for the orphans of the Allies through the production of the play, "When a Feller Needs a Friend." The hearts of all of us have been touched by the awful days through which these poor children have gone and are going, and we need no stimulus to urge us to do what we can to help them. (Signed) Franklin K. Lane. * * * * The Secretary of the Navy, Washington. All America is concerned with the care and comfort of those orphaned by war in the fight for free nations, and I am happy that leading actors, who have responded gen- erously in every way during the war, will present "When 5 6 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" a Feller Needs a Friend" for the benefit of those inno- cent sufferers of the world tragedy. (Signed) Joseph us Daniels. * * * * Those of us who are benefiting, and will benefit, from the sacrifices made by the men who have stopped and beaten back the enemy should not now forget the debt we owe them, and the greater debt we owe those that they left behind. They laid down their lives for us and we must support and cherish those whom they are no longer able to protect. "When a Feller Needs a Friend" is aptly named because those for whose benefit the play is projected never needed friends more than they do now. (Signed) Bernard M. Baruch. * * * * Executive Chamber, State of New York. I wish you every success in this undertaking, appreciat- ing as I do the splendid work of the Stage Women's War Relief in connection with the war relief activities. Your unselfish labors in behalf of the sale of Liberty Bonds was one of the inspiring features of the Liberty Loan campaign in New York City. (Signed) Charles Whitman. * * * * District Attorney's Office, New York City. I consider the Stage Women's War Relief a most effi- cient and excellent organization, and am glad to indorse the plan for the production of a war play, entitled "When a Feller Needs a Friend," to be given for spreading war propaganda and for raising money to help the war or- phans of the Allies. This plan has my hearty approval, and my best wishes for its success. (Signed) Edward Swann. ORIGINAL ALL-STAR CAST In order of their appearance Fairfax, colored butler at the Pryors' Maclyn Arbuckle Augusta, John Pryor's sister Florine Arnold John Pryor, a Hoover war- worker. .Tim Murphy Janet, John Pryor's daughter Charlotte Walker Margaret Russell, a Washington widow Viola Allen Jarvis, her son Richard Barbee Oliver Cromwell Nutley, a war crank O. P. Heggie Charlotte, Fairfax's wife, cook at the Pryors' Helen Westley Captain Everett, in Military Intelligence Emmett Corrigan Katherine Knowles, a girl Jack left behind him Janet Beecher Jack, John Pryor's son, a Pershing veteran Shelley Hull Victor Fontaine, a Blue Devil Paul Doucet First Expressman William Collier Second Expressman A. E. Anson Boy Scout (Man in Barrel) Clare Briggs Scene — Living-room at the Pryor's in Washington 7 Property Plot ACT I Well- furnished living room in Washington. Parquet floor cloth. Large rug. Six small rugs. Long runner for hall.- Hangings at doors c, and on window L. in cre- tonne. Shades at window. Padded window seat to fit window l. covered with cretonne. Small grand piano r. with bench. Sofa r.c. against piano. Library table l. Large, low-back armchair l. of table L. Three other chairs at table l., and stool or back- less seat, at upper l. corner of table for Janet. Arm chair r. of c.d. and at L.I., and a high-backed attractive chair l. of CD. Small table up l.c. Chair r. of small table up L.c. Fireplace l. above window, with brass screen, and andirons. Fender seat above front of fireplace. Clock and brass candle-sticks on mantel over fire- place. Portrait or large picture over it. Music cabinet at R.2. Bookcases well filled at walls r. and l. at back. Music on piano. 8 w "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 9 Six cushions, for sofa, window seat and arm chairs. Carved bench in hall. Oil painting for hall. Four pieces of drapery for tables and piano. Shaded piano lamp r. above piano. Two shaded lamps, one for hall table and one for small table up l.c. Electric light brackets. Library writing set on table l. with pens, etc. Books in rack on piano. Pictures. Six extra books on table. Two photographs in easel frames on mantel. Six magazines on table l. *Three Washington afternoon papers for June, 1918. (Large headlines for Fairfax.) Four cotton towels (new) for Augusta. Prop, table off r.c. Chairs for company off r. and L. Open telegram for Pryor. Four flags about 10 by 20 inches, American — English — French — Italian, on short sticks, on piano. Small set of same flags on a stand on piano. Telephone on table, l. Tea for four on tray, silver service. Pot of newly made tea. Lump sugar in low bowl with tongs. Cream in creamer. Four teacups with spoons. Plate of assorted cakes on a napkin. Small pitcher of hot water. Plate of newly made corn bread for Charlotte off R.3. Pocketbook for Captain, containing three letters — folded twice, written on thin, foreign paper. One heavier sheet of paper, folded differently "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" u Cigarettes and matches in case for Jarvis. Coin for Pryor. ACT I Light Plot Daylight. FOOTS : i row amber and rose. I row frosted white. i row blue. Foots, dead, 8 ft. at each end. ist BORDER : "1 i row, frosted white. and >■ i row, amber and rose. 3rd BORDER : J 1 row, blue. ist border, dead, 4 ft. from boxing. Long, white and amber strips, r. and l. of c. door, or over it. (These strips to work with 3rd border when lamp on table in hall is put out in ACT II.) Amber and white strip at door R.3. No strip r.i. 1,000 Watt lamp, pale amber frosted, at win- dow L. Brackets to suit handsome, dark interior. (Out in this ACT.) Switch r. of c. door. Fire grate up l. not practical. Piano lamp, r. hooked up with brackets and chandelier. Table lamp, up l. hooked up with brackets and chandelier. Electric door buzzer up l. Small but powerful flashlamp for Jack. Electric lamp on table in hall. io "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" with 8 slits in it like a pianola record, through which to read the writing. Two suitcases off l. Two large, heavily loaded, old English travelling bags off l. Gold ring with a ruby or some valuable stone for Jack. German trench helmet (old) for Pryor off r.c. Small piece of an exploded shell for Captain Everett, off r.c. Trophies for Mrs. Russell and Janet, off r.c. ACT II SAME SET — tea things removed. Door slam off L.3. Cigarette case filled for Captain. Match case for Captain. Matches on table l. Large pocket flashlamp for Jack. Package of letters 3 inches deep, tied with a string, for Jarvis, r.ie. ACT III SAME SET — next morning. Ready off lc to be carried on, all labelled : new packing case, heavy — supposed to contain a man — about 4 ft. high, 3^ wide and 18 in. deep, and a sugar barrel with piece of gunny sack hooped over the top of it. Expressman's old receipt book, with receipt to tear out, and pencil for expressman. Long, typewritten manuscript in blue cover and a pencil case for Nutley. 12 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" ACT II SAME SET— Night. Brackets — Piano and table lamp to work with foots and ist border when switch r. of c. door is pushed, leaving blue in same up — 2 points. (And to work up when switch is pushed again.) Leave amber lights in 3rd border up 2 points when lamp in hall is turned out, if blue in hall is not sufficient. No strip at r.i or R.3. 1,000 Watt at window steel blue, cut way down to be very dim on dimmer or use plenty of frosts, or use 100 Watt lamp. ACT III SAME SET — Early next morning. Brackets and lamps not lighted. Amber and white strips R.3. Lit as in Act I. Amber and white, 3rd Border and strips back of C. door up, as in Act I. FOOTS and ist BORDER two-thirds up, amber and white. 1,000 Watt at window l., one-half up, amber light frosted. DESCRIPTION OF SET Begin at boxing or tormentor, down r. Small door r.i, backed by dark interior. Four- foot piece, oblique. Small double doors, or single door with small jog above it, backed by dining-room R.3. Wings, with inserted book-cases to meet c. door. Large c. doors, practical, back by hall. Must be deep. 'WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 13 Wings from c. doors to meet fire-place, l. Set fireplace L.3 to L.2. French window down l., with window seat. Boxing or tormentor down l. Plain ceiling. 14 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" CAST John Pryor A Hoover war-worker Janet His daughter Augusta His sister John Pryor, Jr. (Jack) His son, a Pershing veteran KATHERINE Knowles. .A girl Jack left behind him Captain Everett In Military Intelligence Margaret Russell 4 Washington widow Jarvis Her son Victor Fontaine A Blue Devil Oliver Cromwell Nutley 4 war crank Fairfax Colored butler at the Pryors' Charlotte His wife, cook at the Pryors' Bartlett A secret-service man Moore An expressman (Another secret-service man — another expressman) "When A Feller Needs A Friend" ACT I Time: — The present year — a late afternoon early in June. Place: — Washington. An attractive living-room at the Pryors'. At Rise: — ENTER Fairfax c. from l., reading a Washington afternoon paper, a big smile on his face. He laughs and speaks to himself as he moves to back of table l. and puts dozvn nezvs- paper. He is a dignified old Negro, long in service. Fairfax. Huh — de American cullud troops doin' great fightin' in France! Lordy — Lordy — don' I jes' knows it ! I kin jes' see dem ole black boys now a pig-stickin' dem ole Bush-Gurmans wif dat bay'net — bay'net — huh — big brudder ter Mista Razor. Dar! (With a moire as if stabbing with a bayonet) I see dat ole black boy got him and stick him plum to de side ob de trench — den I see old black boy step back, an' reach in his inside pocket an' take out social weepon (Stropping an imaginary razor on the palm of his hand) An' say to dat ole Bush-Gurman, "My — My; but you sho' skeered me when I fust seed yo', but somehows you'se done changed. (He lifts chin of imaginary man) How do you do! — Dooie! (Slashing as if with^ razor) Now— dooie! (Slashing again) You'se dere wif me, an' dooie. (Slashing again) I'se dere wif you, an' dooie, dooie. (Slashing again) 15 16 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" You'se dere wif everybody! (Wiping imaginary razor on coat sleeve and returning it to pocket) It suttenly is de end of a puffick day ! (Enter Augusta c. from r. She is a spinster of forty-five, rather plump and pleasing, voluble and somewhat vacuous. She is quite fetching in an afternoon gown of youthful length and & la mode. She appears in a state of indignant astonishment, carrying two coarse cotton tow- els) Augusta. (Pausing c.) These towels are cot- ton, Fairfax! Fairfax. (Rolling his eyes toward them) Yeh — dey sho 'pears ter do jes' ornery cotton, Miss Augusta. Augusta. (l.cJ Where's all Mrs. Russell's linen ? Fairfax. (Moving toward her a little) I dun cain't say, ma'am. Augusta. We understood that this house was completely furnished with everything we'd need. And I find nothing but cheap kitchen crockery, no silver, cotton sheets and the bathrooms hung with towels of this sort! (She sits l. of tea-table R.Cj Fairfax, (c.) Yes, ma'am, dat suttenly 'pears ter be substantiated. Augusta. What will my nephew say to that — (Holding out a towel) — after weeks in the trenches ! Fairfax. I don' kno' — it sho am irritatious, ma'am Augusta. Irritatious! (Pryor is heard off l.c. calling "Augusta!" Janet also, calling — "Oh, Auntie, Auntie!" Fairfax goes up to hall and takes Pryor's hat as the latter enters from l. of hall. MACLVN ARBL'CKLE "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 17 Pryor is a dapper, thorough-going American of about fifty. He looks well valeted in a dark grey, sacque suit) Pryor. (Coming down to l. of Augusta — an open telegram in his hand) Augusta, he's coming on the limited (Looking at his watch) Augusta. Jack ! Janet. (As she enters from l. of hall, coming to c. She is a charming girl about twenty. She wears the uniform of a Red Cross ambulance driver) Oh, Aunt Augusta, what do you think? He's bringing a Blue Devil with him ! Augusta. (Rapturously, as she rises) A Blue Devil ! Oh, my dear — isn't that heavenly ! (She leaves towels on tea-table) Pryor. (Strutting dotvn in front of table L.J A Pershing Veteran and a Blue Devil — Washington and Lafayette had nothing on us ! The house will be historic! (Then going to l. of table. Fairfax, who has left Pryor's hat in hall to L., now crosses to r. at back and exits) Augusta. (With a change) Well, I should think it had been looted. I've just been taking an inventory, Janet, and we haven't a bit of china or silver or any decent linen ! (Moving to c.) Janet. (Going above piano, looks over music) Oh, Dad, why didn't you let us know? We could have sent ours on here with the other things. Augusta. There's nothing coming but rugs and the things for your room, Janet. Pryor. Why, I didn't notice (Picking up newspaper) Augusta. Now the linen and silver are all packed, and you know how I pack, John. (Sitting r. of table l.) Pryor. (Sits l. of table, facing audience, looking over paper) I know Augusta. And in the storehouse! You know 18 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" what it means to get anything out of the store- house. Pryor. Yes — I know that, too Augusta. And the express companies — you know what they are. Pryor. Yes — that's three things I know. Augusta. (With a final note of exasperation) Why didn't you write me how matters were? Pryor. Why, I thought everything looked ship- shape. Augusta. Do you mean to say you've dried yourself with towels like these for a week and didn't know it? Pryor. Well, they felt pretty good to me after a week in sleepers. It's Washington in war time, you know. Augusta. It's pro-German, John, that's what it is — pro-German! ('Janet, still at the piano, has been listening in amusement, and laughs at this) Pryor. Oh, heavens and earth ! You smell it everywhere ! Augusta. Well, anybody with the slightest pa- triotism wouldn't go and stint a war-worker on things this way. And the rent you pay ! I wouldn't have believed it of Maggie Russell. And she couldn't have been afraid that we'd hurt her things. She knows what a careful housekeeper I am. Janet. There must be some mistake. (As she goes to back of table l. and sits on stool, she takes a nezvspaper and reads, leaning cozily against her father) Augusta. I shall write to her about it at once. I sha'n't mince matters either. I shall tell her just what I think. And the servants she's left here — Charlotte and Fairfax — you needn't tell me — they're in collusion with her! ( Janet listens, laughing a little, glancing over newspaper) "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 19 Pryor. Oh, it won't hurt us to get along with- out luxuries during the war. Augusta. John, Mr. Hoover is turning you into a regular Spartan ! Pryor. I don't care if he turns me into a wheat substitute. Augusta. Those boys will want to take the next transport back to France. Pryor. Don't you worry about those boys. Augusta. (Almost in tears) I've been thinking and thinking what a good time Jack would have in his bath-tub. Pryor. Now look here, Augusta, he isn't going to live in the bath — one bath'll clean a man. It isn't going to be a question of getting a layer off a day, you know. Augusta. John, you've been talking sacrifice everywhere till you can't talk sense any longer. Janet. (Springing up and pulling her father by the arm) Never mind, Aunt Augusta, we'll get paper plates and Jap napkins and pretend we're roughing it. Dad, let's go watch for the boys. We can see down to the Circle from the upper windows. Let's be there with the colors flying. (Running to c., and turning to them as she speaks) Pryor. (Still seated) See here, Janet, don't you get too enthusiastic about those boys or you'll have me jealous. Janet. (Going above table, back to him, her arm about him) Why, Dad, after all you've done ! Pryor. Oh, I've been peddling around here with food problems when all the time I wanted to be over there, and I'm sore. I'm against this age limit any- way. Makes a man feel like a cold storage &gg. I'm just as good as I ever was, even if the Govern- ment has gone and rubber-stamped my date on me. Janet. Come along now, and I'll let you wave Old Glory. 20 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Augusta. (With a change to enthusiasm — she rises and crosses to piano for flags, pausing l. of sofa) Wait, Janet — I've a Tri-color and the Union Jack, and here's an Italian flag, too. I thought we'd decorate the tea-table with them, you know. Flags are so thrilling always — and they're so much cheaper than flowers these days. See — I've got them in all sizes ! Janet. (Running to r.cJ Oh, lovely ! Look, Dad! Pryor. Splendid! (He rises and goes above table to l.c.) ('ENTER Mrs. Russell and Jarvis from l. of hall. She is a very attractive, young appearing, forty- something, tip-to-date widozu. Jarvis is a good-looking Washingtonian in civilian clothes. About twenty-five. Augusta puts flags back on the piano and turns to receive them stand- ing dozvn r.J Mrs. Russell. How d'y'do, everybody! Janet. fR.c.J Oh, how d'y'do, Mrs. Russell! (Shaking hands with her) Hello, Jarvis ! Jarvis. (Up r.) Hello, Janet! ( Mrs. Russell turns to Pryor on her l.) Pryor. Glad to see you, Margaret! (As they shake hands) Welcome to your own home ! Augusta. (Down r.) Well, Maggie, how do you do? Mrs. Russell. (Moving down toward her) Oh, so-so. How are you ? Pryor. (Up c.) Good afternoon, Jarvis. Jarvis. (Goes to him and shakes hands — Janet moves to back of tea-table) How are you, Mr. Pryor? Mrs. Russell. (To r.c.) Do you think you peo- ple can put us up for two or three days ? It's abso- lutely impossible to get rooms in a hotel. "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 21 Pryor. (c.) Of course we can ! Delighted to have you ! Mrs. Russell. Katherine Knowles and I mo- tored in to see Jarvis — Katherine is going to spend the summer with me — and when we heard that Augusta and Janet had just arrived we thought we'd better come and help you get settled. Pryor. That's the right idea! Stay as long as you can. Janet. Where's Katherine? Mrs. Russell. (Sitting l. of tea-table r.) She's coming. She had a little shopping to do or some- thing. ( Augusta sits at r. end of sofa) Pryor. Well, Jarvis, I suppose we'll soon turn you into a doughboy. Jarvis. My number seems to be pretty far down the line, sir. (He crosses Pryor and moves down to R. of table l. and picks up newspaper for a mo- ment) Mrs. Russell. He's exempt, John ! He's got to take care of me. Augusta. I knew it ! ( Janet crosses at back to window seat) Pryor. (Moving to l. of Mrs. Russell J Come now — that sort of talk isn't popular around here. You're not serious ? Mrs. Russell. Indeed I am! Jarvis is all I've got in the world. My affairs are in an awful state. That's why I had to rent this house. Augusta. (Still on sofa) Well, Maggie, all I can say is, you ought to be able to get along for the rest of your life on what John's paying you. Pryor. (Hastily) Come — come — we won't talk about that. Mrs. Russell. Oh, — you should have seen the offers I had for this house before you took it ! I gave John the very lowest figure — just because it 22 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" was John and a dollar-a-year man and all that. (Pat- ting his arm) Pryor. (Chaffingly) Well, Jarvis, I sympathize with you. Hard luck, isn't it, when a feller has to stay home on account of his mother. Jarvis. I'm supposed to be doing needed work here, you know — the same as yourself. The Sen- ator thinks so anyway. (He joins Janet at win- dow L.J Mrs. Russell. They've got to have somebody there. It's just as patriotic as to go stumping over the country for Hoover. Why don't you train for a reserve officer, John ? Pryor. (In a loud whisper) Can't — I'm flat- footed ! Mrs. Russell. I don't believe it — a thorough- bred like you ! Pryor. Margaret, I envy that boy of mine with all my soul. Mrs. Russell. Oh, don't be silly ! You make me sympathize with the man that said this whole blame country was divided into patriots and damn patriots. Augusta. Well, the man that said that was pro- German. (Ready for doorbell.) Mrs. Russell. No — he was simply clever. Pryor. (Indignantly) The place for that come- dian is court fool to the Kaiser. (He moves up stage to hall) Janet. We're expecting Jack any minute, Mrs. Russell. You know he got back several days ago. (Going to chair r. of table r., Jarvis moves below tabic. ) Mrs. Russell. Yes, Katherine told me. "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 23. Augusta. When he landed, John was out in Arkansas and Janet and I were closing up the house in Chicago, so we've none of us seen him yet. Mrs. Russell. Dear Jack ! Janet. (Crossing to c.) Oh, Mrs. Russell, he's bringing one of the Blue Devils with him, Victor Fontaine ! Mrs. Russell. (Rising) Is he? I'm crazy to see one. I hear they're wonderful. Foreigners are always so fascinated and then when you get them all scarred and decorated (Going to Janet l.c.J Pryor. (Coming down a little) Come, Janet we're forgetting the reception we've planned for them. Janet. (She runs to piano and gets flags) Oh, yes. Come, Jarvis ! Here— take two of the flags! Jarvis. What's doing? Janet. Come on— you'll see. Here, Dad, these are for you. (She gives American flag to Pryor, English and Italian to Jarvis, and keeps for herself the French. Moving gaily and quickly, she begins to march around c, followed by Jarvis, with Pryor bringing up at the rear. They sing one of the popular war songs. They march twice around c, then out to hall to r., Jarvis going out first) I'll wave the Tri-color ! Mrs. Russell. (She moves across and sits at lower end of sofa) Well, it is good to be at home. I've a darling place in the hills, Augusta, but Wash- ington is a habit with me, and I seem to get rest- less away. But you know I was in a constant state of nerves here — the whole country standing on its head. Augusta. (Standing l. of tea-table) Maggie, are you pro-German ? Mrs. Russell. Nonsense ! I'm pro-free speech Augusta. (Sits l. of tea-table) Well, it's the same thing. Free speech always seems to be some- 24 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" thing that helps the Huns. I'm for plain speech and I want to know why you put away all your silver and fine china and left us these coarse, un- washed sheets and towels and things. Mrs. Russell. What? (Door-bell off l.) Augusta. That's what I find. Mrs. Russell. (Laughing) It's Charlotte and Fairfax conserving the country's resources. Augusta. It's all new — such as it is. (Fair- fax passes through hall from r.) Mrs. Russell. I told them to go over the stock and get whatever was needed. I meant for the kitchen, of course. Augusta. Well, I certainly felt insulted — after all the years you've known me. Mrs. Russell. I should say so. (Enter Fair- fax from l. of hall, ushering in Nutley. Nutley is a pudgy, successful rice importer, betzvcen forty- five and fifty. He is as bald as a cellar mushroom and about the same color) Fairfax. Mr. Nutley, ma'am. Augusta. (Going up c. to greet him, delight- edly) Oh, Oliver, how nice of you to drop in. Maggie, this is Mr. Nutley, our old friend, Mrs. Russell, Oliver. (Fairfax moves to r. at back, standing in front of bookcase) Mrs. Russell. How d'y' do, Mr. Nutley ? Nutley. (Moving down to Mrs. Russell, shak- ing hands with her) Good afternoon, Madam. Mrs. Russell. (Retaining his hand) Why — I'm sure I've seen you before. (Meantime Augusta takes tozvcls from tea-table and gives them hastily to Fairfax, then she goes to c.) Nutley. I — I hope so, but I'm sure I couldn't have forgotten you. (Augusta looks from one to the other uneasily ) Mrs. Russell. Oh, I know — it's Lord Reading! Nutley. Lord Reading? FI.ORINK ARNOLD "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 25 Mrs. Russell. (To Augusta J He looks just like Lord Reading — the same air of distinction. Nutley. Well, I'm sure that's very flattering. Augusta. It's very flattering to Lord Reading. Mrs. Russell. (Rising and crossing in front of Nutley to r. of Augusta,) Serve the tea, Fair- fax. Fairfax. (Moving to go r. 3, concealing towels) Yes, ma'am Mrs. Russell. Oh, my dear — I forget that you're the first lady here! But don't mind me. Fairfax, where's all the silver and linen ? (Moving toward him) Fairfax. De silver an' de linen, ma'am? I cain't say — I suspec' dat ole woman, Charlotte, is 'countable fo' de disappearance, ma'am. Mrs. Russell. Well, why didn't you tell Miss Augusta ? Fairfax. I don' — I don' kno' — I don' neber argufy wid a lady, ma'am. 'Pears ter me like it's ungenteel. Mrs. Russell. (Passing Fairfax, moving up to the door) You come with me, Fairfax, and we'll do a little argufying with Charlotte. (Exit R.3, followed by Fairfax ) Augusta. (Moving to k.) I am so glad to see you, Oliver! You got my message this morn- ing? Nutley. (Moving toward her, to L. of tea- table) Yes — at half-past nine. Augusta. Weren't you surprised? Nutley. Well, I'm not like that— I'm not easily surprised. Augusta. (Moving down to sofa) I called you up the very first chance I had. Isn't it wonderful to meet in Washington in this way? (She sits and with a gesture indicates the seat beside her. Unob- servant, he sits l. of tea-table) 26 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Nutley. Well, I don't know — people of patri- otic trend — we all reach here sooner or later. Augusta. I know you must be doing great things. Nutley. No — no — not yet. My plans are all completely worked out — theoretically speaking. Augusta. Theoretically ? Oh, how clever you are, Oliver! (Moving toward him as she sits) Nutley. (Modestly) Well. I do think I have evolved a way to end this war. Augusta. To end the war? Oh, Oliver, do hurry ! Nutley. Yes — yes — I will. You can help me, Augusta. Augusta. (Moving to end of sofa, opposite him) Oh, I will — I will ! What can I do ? Tell me your plan. Nutley. It's a business man's idea. The reason it hasn't been thought of before is probably this — wars have always been run by soldiers. They don't approach them from a business man's point of view. Augusta. Why, of course — they just keep on fighting and fighting. Nutley. That's it exactly. My idea started with Phillip of Macedon Augusta. You mean from Georgia? Nutley. No — I think he was Grecian. Augusta. Oh, yes Nutley. You remember what he asked when his army couldn't reach the enemy in the mountains ? Augusta. Why, no — I did know, but I seem to have forgotten Nutley. He asked his generals, "Is there a pathway wide enough for an ass to pass laden with gold?" Augusta. (Absorbed ) Laden with gold Nutley. This war is costing the Government twenty billions a year. "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 27 Augusta. (Worriedly) Yes, I know. Do you think that's too much? It isn't their fault, you know, they Nutley. (Impressively) No, but listen. My idea is to send airplanes over the German lines and drop printed dodgers into the trenches — a proclama- tion from the President, telling them that every German who deserts to the American forces will be given a thousand dollars each, and a homestead out in the West, and as soon as peace is declared we'll transport his family. Augusta. Why, of course ! Nutley. Here are these people that were get- ting out of Germany as fast as they could before this war broke. None of them want to stay there. I never met a German yet that wanted to stay there. They'd come across so fast it 'u'd look like a run on the bank. You can't tell me they want to fight. They're fighting because they got into it and they think it's the only way out of it. Augusta. Why, of course! Nutley. Suppose there were twelve million in the German army, we could afford to pay them a thousand dollars each for privates, two thousand for the next grade, and so on, and we don't need to buy the officers — buy the army out from under them — and let them down on their backs flat and the Kaiser on top of the heap ! In no time at all there wouldn't be enough of them left over there to fight a duel ! Augusta. But that's an awful lot of money to be giving the Germans Nutley. It's better to give it to them than to spend twice as much killing them. Augusta. Oh, of course we could take it away from them after we got them over here. Nutley. Yes, we probably would — one way or another. 28 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Augusta. Oliver, I think you're inspired ! NuTLEY. Not at all — just common sense — ap- proaching it from a business man's point of view. Augusta. You must tell the President at once! NuTLEY. Now that's my difficulty. You know, he's so hard to reach. That's where you can help me. Augusta. But what can I I don't know him Do you think I could call on Mrs. Wil- son, or something? Nutley. Your brother is in close touch with one of our great administrators. Augusta. Oh, yes, you must explain it all to John, and he'll tell Mr. Hoover and Mr. Hoover'll tell the President — of course! Just think, we may be making history right here in this room at this minute. Nutley. Well, Augusta, I must say I've talked this to a lot of people and they've none of them seen it the way you do. Augusta. (Rising and moving to front of tabic ) I'd he careful if I were you. I shouldn't talk about it to a lot of people. If the Germans heard of it over there, they might find a way to stop it — by offering them more money, you know, not to desert. (Ready door bell.) Nutley. (Rising) No fear of that. The richest country in the world — we could outbid them easily. Augusta. (Moving nearer to him) Well, there's one person here that you mustn't mention it to — that's Mrs. Russell. Nutley. The one that thought Augusta. The one that thought Lord Reading looked like you — yes. She's pro-German. Nutley. Is she really? (He moves around to «/> c. and looks toward door R.3J Augusta. (Following up to r. of him) Yes, and I wouldn't have this interfered with for any- "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 29 thing. I've been so worried about sonic way to stop the war. It doesn't matter so much to you men, but if it goes on, you know what it means to us women. (Looking around over her shoulder) Polygamy ! Nutley. Polygamy! Augusta. They have it in Germany already. It's coming everywhere. I see signs of it here. Do you ever see a soldier on the street that hasn't three girls with him? Nutley. Oh — but really Augusta. And you saw the way Mrs. Russell looked at you the moment she saw you — holding your hand and flattering you. Nutley. Yes, but that was only Augusta. There aren't enough marriageable men now in Washington. What'll it be when (Enter Mrs. Russell door R.3. She comes to back of tea- table) Mrs. Russell. Well, Augusta, I've unearthed the hidden treasure. (Enter Fairfax R.3, carrying tea-tray laid for four. He places it on the table and then moves back up r. and stands waiting) Charlotte had heard of the Germans looting the homes in Belgium, and she was afraid they'd raid Washington and carry my silver off to Berlin. Augusta. (Over the tray) That looks more like it. Mrs. Russell. (Sitting back of table) Shall I serve it? Augusta. Why, yes — do. Mrs. Russell. Do have some tea, Mr. Nutley. Nutley. (Going to l. of tea-table) No, thank you — no stimulants. I find my brain's been too active lately. Mrs. Russell. That's the penalty of having one. It's worse than a heart, isn't it? 30 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Augusta. (Uneasily, as she stands c.) Don't you want to see John before you go? He's up on the balcony of the top floor. I'll show you. (Tak- ing him by the arm) Nutley. Excuse me, Mrs. Russell — I want to have a few words with Mr. Pryor about a Govern- ment matter. (Augusta hurries hint out) Augusta. (As they go out c. to r.J It's a very good time now to catch John before the boys get here. (Mrs. Russell smilingly pours herself some tea. Enter R.3, Charlotte, carrying a plate of corn- bread. Charlotte is a typical old Washington ne- gress, faithful and good-natured. She goes to l. of tea-table and puts the plate on it) Charlotte. (Standing l. of tea-table) Miss Russell, ma'am, heah's some corn-pone I dun made. Dis fambly don' use no wheat in dis yere house while dere's a wa'. I tell dat ole man, Fairfax, he ought ter be 'shamed o' hisself not to have no chil- lun to make soldiers out o'. An' if I had a gal, Miss Russell, ma'am, she shouldn't marry nuffin but one o' dem unifo'ms. (Door-bell rings. Fairfax, with an indignant look back at Charlotte, goes out c. to L.) Mrs. Russell. Charlotte, I told these people that you put away all my things. Charlotte. Dat's right, load it all on ter me, ma'am. I'se so used ter lyin' 'twon't bother me none. Mrs. Russell. (Sipping tea) You did it to save them for me. Charlotte. Yes'm, dat's de God's truth ! (She moves up toward door R.3 and pauses as Mrs. R. speaks) Mrs. Russell. Fairfax tells me you've been sav- ing every penny you could get to buy Liberty Bonds. Charlotte. Miss Russell, ma'am, I didn't buy dose Libe'ty bombs to save 'em. I dun bought dose "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 31 bombs to spectorate in. (Enter Fairfax from l. of the hall, ushering in Captain Everett. He is about forty-five, altogether military in manner and bearing. Best type in our service) Fairfax. Captain Ev'rett, ma'am. Everett. How d'y do, Margaret ? This is luck. Mrs. Russell. (Rising) Well, Frank— I am pleased ! How did you know I was here ? Everett. I just looked in to find out where you were. (Exeunt Fairfax and Charlotte up R.3, Charlotte going first) Mrs. Russell. You dear old boy— how are you ? Everett. (r.c.J Oh, moving along. Pretty busy at the office. Mrs. Russell. (Sitting back of tea-table again) Tea? Everett. Thanks. Mrs. Russell. One? Everett. Clear, please. Mrs. Russell. Under the spell of the great man? Everett. Uh-huh. Mrs. Russell. It used to be four and cream for you. (Smiling at him. Putting sugar in her own cup) Everett. (Taking the cup from her, he moves below table and sits on sofa) When I came in, the family were upstairs leaning out of the windows, with flags waving. I don't suppose it was all for me. Mrs. Russell. Jack's coming. Everett. Oh, I see. Fine boy, Jack. Wish I could get to the front. I say, Margaret, do you remember Baron von Feiffen ? — of the German Em- bassy ? Mrs. Russell. I should say I do. We were great pals — one of my beaux, you know. We saw a great deal of him. 32 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Everett. I thought you knew him rather well. (A pause. He drinks his tea) Mrs. Russell. Why? What about him? Has he been killed ? Everett. Oh — I don't know about that, but I ran across a letter that concerned him the other day. It accidentally came to us. I put it aside and thought I'd ask you about it. Mrs. Russell. Well, go on — what about it? Everett. It was in code, you know, and as near as I could make out — it was directing somebody to recover a packet of papers that the Baron had left here. Mrs. Russell. Left here? Everett. Yes. Your name was mentioned in the letter. Mrs. Russell. My name Everett. I gathered they thought that the packet had been left with you. (Ready company for gen- eral entrance) Mrs. Russell. I don't know anything about it, Frank. He left nothing with me and I haven't had a line from him since he sailed. Everett. Well, I thought I'd ask you. Mrs. Russell. (Anxiously ) Has anyone be- side yourself seen the letter? Everett. I can't say as to that. Mrs. Russell. If you're a friend of mine, Frank, you won't say any more about it. I don't want to be mixed up in any German intrigue. Everett. I should say not. Mrs. Russell. You know I'm against the war and the way things are managed and conscription and everything, but I wouldn't do anything to help the Germans. Everett. (Good-naturedly) If everybody felt that way, Margaret, they wouldn't need any help — they'd have a walkover — as far as we're c/)n- "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 33 cerned. (She looks at him a second, then rises) Mrs. Russell. Have you got that letter with you ? Everett. (Taking out his pocket-book, as he crosses to r.cJ Yes — I thought you'd like to see it — it's rather curious. (Drawing out letter and giv- ing it to her) Mrs. Russell. (Reading, as she stands back of tea-table) Why, I don't see any reference to me in this Everett. See that word — "Rustle"? Mrs. Russell. (Reading) "Rustle it along" — yes — but that's r-u-s-t-1-e. Everett. Let me show you. (He lays it on the table and places over it another paper, perforated here and there) "Mrs. Margaret Russell" — (Point- ing) Mrs. Russell. (Dropping the perforated sheet on table) I see — I see — Frank, what are you go- ing to do with that letter? If anyone should see it that didn't know me, I might be in no end of trouble. (Still looking at the letter) Everett. (Picking up the perforated sheet) Oh — it's easy enough to prove you never heard of the packet. Mrs. Russell. But it might get into the papers, and you never can clear yourself once that happens. I'm awfully worried,, Frank. I wish you'd let me keep this letter. Everett, (l. of her) Sorry, Margaret, I can't do that. Mrs. Russell. But I'm frightened — I don't know what to do Everett. Nonsense — don't do anything. (Janet and Pryor are heard off stage up k. calling as if from upper window) Mrs. Russell. There's Jack now Everett. Sure enough (With a turn up l. 34 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" toward hall, she quickly tears the letter into bits. He turns and starts toward her, exclaiming in in- dignant surprise and sudden suspicion) Margaret! That looks bad ! Mrs. Russell. (To front of sofa) I don't care — I should never know another moment's peace ! Everett. Fortunately that was only a copy. Mrs. Russell. (Exclaiming in anger and fear) Frank ! (There is a rush through the hall and the sound of welcoming voices. "Jack — Jack! Welcome home!" "Hello, Father!" "Here you are at last!" "Hello, Janet!" "Oh, Jack, Jack!") Janet. Oh, Jack, it's so good to have you back ! We thought you'd never get here. Jack. I've wondered about that several times myself. Janet. Your wire didn't come in time for us to go to meet you. (Enter Jack with Janet on one arm and Katiier- ine on the other. Jack w a fine young Ameri- can soldier of twenty-four or fire, tall and lean, in the khaki of a first lieutenant, a service chevron on his sleeve. Katherine is a lovely girl in her twenties. Quiet, earnest, direct man- ner, well bat not over-dressed) Jack. Well, we'd just started to hunt up a taxi when I caught sight of Katherine waiting for us in a steamboat I say, you're looking great, Katherine ! Katherine. 'Fess up, now — you didn't know me. (Mrs. R. is down at lower end of sofa. Cap- tain Everett is back of tea-table. Jack c. with Janet on his r. and Katherine on his l.) Jack. Didn't know you ! Say — I thought I was "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 35 back at Billets, looking at a pile of doughnuts in a C3,ntccn. Mrs.' Russell. So, Katherine, that's why you were speeding all the way in. Katherine. I made up my mind to meet every train till they came. Jack. (Going down to her, Janet and Kather- ine go to r. of table L. Katherine at lower end of it. They stand, leaning against table, facing rJ How are you, Mrs. Russell? Mrs. Russell. Well, Jack— I've got to kiss you, you know. Jack. (Kissing her) Got to ! You couldn t es- cape me! I'm the quickest kisser in the regiment. How are you, Captain Everett? (Everett moves down to l. of Jack; Everett. (Wringing his hand) Glad to see you, Jack ! (Pryor and Victor come in c. from l. of hall, fol- lowed by Jarvis, who gradually moves from up back of table l. down to l. corner. Fair- fax and Charlotte linger for a moment at the hall door, watching with shining eyes, then move off to r., carrying the luggage) Jack. (As his father and Victor appear in door- way) Come in, Victor. Here's one of the best ever! Mrs. Russell, my friend Victor Fontaine. (He goes up to Victor and gives him a friendly shove down toward Mrs. Russell. Pryor turns to Everett up rJ Mrs. Russell. (Down r v giving him her hand) Welcome to Washington, Monsieur Fontaine. Victor. (Doffing his cap with the sweep of a cavalier and kissing her hand) I am charmed Madame. (He is a dashing, debonair Blue Devil, about thirty, in the uniform of a French sergeant. His English is broken, our "th" bothers him. Mrs. 36 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Russell sits on sofa. Captain Everett moves to l. of chair l. of tea-table) Jack, (l.c.) Captain Everett, Victor — Military Intelligence. • Victor. (Tunis to Everett, who is on his lJ Ah — Intelligence Militaire? Jack. (As Victor and Everett shake hands) Yes — peek-a-boo — I spy with the Germans — you know. (Augusta off c. to r. is heard calling, "Oh, my boy, my boy! Where is he?" She runs in and goes to Jack's arms l.c.J Well, Auntie, old girl, how goes it? You look as young as a debutante. Here's a basier I smuggled out of France for you. (Kissing her loudly on both cheeks) Augusta. (Nutley comes on c. from r.) Oh — oh — you darling boy ! Jack. Hello, Mr. Nutley. (Turns and shakes ha)ids with him) Nutley. How d'y' do, Jack? Jack. Victor, what do you think of 'em? Some family, n'est-ce-pas? Que dites — vous to my Aunt Gus? (His arm about her) Victor, (r. of them) I am enchante avec Aunt — Aunt Jack. Gus. That scared him. He thought I called you Aunt Gas. (They all laugh, Augusta goes up l. and sits beside Nutley) Victor. Oh, Shack — no — no — what shall I say? Jack. (Giving him a playful punch) Use your dictionary, old scout ! How do you like to be all alone in the midst of a foreign language? This is where I get even for all the short change I got over in your country. (As they knock each other about like a pair of cubs, Victor gets to l. of Jack. Jarvis sits on chair beloiv window l. The two girls are against table l., interested and laughing) Victor. Ah — Shack — no — behave ourselves, Shack ! Behave ourselves ! TIM MURPHY "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 37 Pryor. (Up r. of Jack,) I'm mighty proud of this boy, Captain Everett. Everett. (Back of tea-table) I see you won your Croix de Guerre. Jack, (c.) Oh, these are just for good conduct and punctuality. Look at Victor, he's the boy with the prizes. Victor, (l. of him) No — no — it is nothing Jack. Father, you look fifteen years younger. I'm ashamed to call you Poppa. Pryor. (r.cJ Setting-up drill and war rations, son. Augusta. That's what Mr. Hoover's done for him, Jack. Jack. Well, what he took off you, Dad, he put on us. Everett. John, I hear you took all Arkansas' wheat off her last week. Pryor. Took it nothing ! She shoved at me — every grain till the next harvest ! Jack. Come on, Victor, let's give Arkansas an over-the-top yell. Victor. No — no, Shack, cool off yourself! Jack. Wait till you hear him sing the Marseil- laise — that's his stunt. Janet. (Rises and moves forward a little) Oh, we'd love it ! Victor. (Turns to her) No — no — some ot'er time — peut-etre, avec plaisir. I sing very bad un- less I am very much moved. Jack. It's up to you, Janet — move him ! Victor. For you, Mademoiselle, I think I could sing very loud. Jack. You must be careful how you jolly this young devil. He believes everything you say is straight stuff. Victor. Do not believe that everyt'ing Shack say is stuffed straight. Blaigeur! 38 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Jack. This boy's awful quiet, bill he's SO full of schrapnel that when he walks he sounds like b baby's rattle, (Giving him a shove toward Pryor, tfu>i sitting on table l, between the two girls) Pryor. Pretty fast going where you picked that up, I suppose. Victor. (Diffidently) Oh— 1 don't know. Augusta. (Still seated up L.) Weren't you a bit panicky before a drive? VICTOR, (C.) Oh, 1 don't know — it is all much the same. JACK. Oh, he's seen such a lot of it that he's fed up. These fellows go off to the trenches like a bunch of miners trooping in for the day's work. VICTOR. Oh, no — hut it has been such a long tune that we sit in a hole in the mud trying to kill them before they can kill us. It is patience th.it yOU have to learn. There are a great many Sher- mans and the war it will not end until we have killed sufficient. In the meantime, you part from so many id" your Friends, if you are not patient you go mad. Jack. If you saw him going over the top with a yell, you wouldn't think he was very patient. I WKT. Oh. tell us- what docs it feel like when you go over the top? Victor. It is a relief— it is a change — how do you say? — somet'ing doing. PRYOR. How did you feel about it. Jack? Jack. Well, there's one thing about it — your skin feels aw fid tight on your face. Victor. (Grinning at him) And t'irsty, eh, Shack ? I Ack. ( )h, quelle soifi I \kvis. (Seated down i . ) I guess nowc of you are too keen to go back. (The others look at him in surprise ) Victor. (Turning toward him, coming down Jack down R.c. and gives him the )'iii> Pryor. Well, has the jury agreed on a verdict yet? (Pausing c.) Everett. (Rising slozvly and stretching) No — the guilty man is still standing out for acquittal. Pryor. Any chance of his getting it? Everett. Not a chance in the world. Pryor. (r. of Jarvis, after looking at him stead- ily for a moment) Young man, it's too bad you couldn't be showing all this grit in a better cause. What's the matter with you anyway? (He turns to Everett J Have you let him see his mother yet? Everett. No. Pryor. Well, what are you going to do with him ? You can't keep him here forever, can you ? Jarvis. He hasn't any right to keep me here at all! This country isn't under martial law. If KMMKTT CORRJGAN "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 85 you've got a case against me, you can prosecute me. I've a right to legal advice and I've a right to see my mother. Everett. You have a right to disgrace yourself and your mother publicly — if that's what you mean, but I'm trying to save you from it. You had those papers — there's the cipher message saying you had them, and your mother told Jack wljere you were to look for them — they saw you in the basement hunting for them. There's case enough to put you and your mother in a Federal prison for the next ten or twenty years. Jarvis. Well, I'll leave all that to the lawyers. Everett. I'm doing this out of friendship to you both. Jarvis. I don't want your friendship — I don't want any of your friendships. You let me out of here — that's all 1 want from any of you. Everett. It looks as if you'd only go out of here to go to jail. Jarvis. All right — jail'll be a relief after you. Victor. (Sitting up with a yazvn) It is a waste of time to try to make a spy talk wit' kindness. You are like those bully English wit' the soft heart. Be- fore they stick a Boche wit' a bayonet they say "Sorry, old man, — have to do it." Jack. (Turning front) I wish I could smell the chow. Pryor. Wait till I see if I can't hurry those darkies up with it. (Going up to hall door. As he opens it the door bell is heard) Everett. (Rising and moving up) Who's that? Don't let anybody in. (At hall, looking off l.J Pryor. goes out to l. in hall and Everett stands watching him. Fairfax comes from r. in hall, pausing there) All right, Fairfax, we'll attend to this. Pryor. (Coming in c.) Why, it's just an ex- 86 "WHEN A FELLER NjEEDS A FRIEND" pressman with some of our belongings from home. Everett. (Up l.c.) I don't want anyone going- upstairs. Pryor. Well, they can leave them in the hall here. Everett. Yes, or they can bring them in here out of the way. No need to block up the hall with them. Pryor. Right in here — put them right in here. (Bartlett rolls in a barrel with a piece of gunny sack secured on the top of the upper hoop. He places it up r. near piano. Fairfax follows him in, pausing up r., zvatching and grumbling at him) Fairfax. (As Bartlett rolls the barrel in) Say — look-a-hea', mister 'spressman, I ain' wishin' ter be imp'lite, but dis ain' no steamboat wa'house. (Bartlett goes out to hall and returns at once with another secret service man, in the guise of an ex- pressman, carrying a large packing case) Everett. Here — put it anywhere. (Indicating a place l., not far from upper r. comer of table) Fairfax. (As the men drop the case l.) Don't drap dem things so keerless like — wha's matter wif you? Pryor. (As Bartlett gives him receipt book to sign. The other man goes directly out c. to lJ Any charges? Bartlett. No — all paid. Pryor. (Going into his pocket for change) Well, here you are. Bartlett. (Taking it) Oh, thanks. (Exit to hall to l.) Fairfax. (To c. door, watching them off) De fron' do's jes' ahead of you, an' yo' hoss's waitin' fo' you. (Turning into the room) Po' white trash ! (To Pryor zvho is l.c. J Scuse me, marse Pryor, but yo' breakfas' 's pupa'ad an' waitin', suh. Pryor. All right, Fairfax, put it on the table "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 87 for us. (Exit Fairfax R.3J Are you going to bring the condemned man to breakfast? Everett, (l.c.,) Yes. Pryor. (Moving toward door R.3J It may loosen him up. I've noticed that coffee always makes people talkative. Too bad it's a dry town. Come along, boys. (Exit Pryor r.c. Jarvis rises suddenly when Mrs. Russell enters quickly from r. of hall, evidently in a desperate state of mind) Mrs. Russell. (Down to R.c.j Captain Everett, I want to talk to you ! Everett. Well ? Mrs. Russell. This is an outrage! Everett. Go ahead, Jack. You needn't wait, sergeant. Jack. (Crossing at back to R.3J It smells like ham and eggs. Victor. (Joining him up r.J Is this the time that your sister breakfasts herself? (Exeunt Jack and Victor up R.3J Everett, (c.) Now, Margaret, we'd better un- derstand each other. If I don't have those papers within half an hour, I shall telephone the Depart- ment of Justice and have the men come here with warrants for your arrest. Mrs. Russell, (r. of him) You can't do it! — you can't do it! Jarvis. (l. of him, down a little in front of table l.) Don't you let him bluff you, Mother. Everett. You're guilty of aiding the enemy by concealing a package of some sort or other that was left in your care by an agent of the German em- bassy. Jarvis. We haven't anything of the kind — we never had ! You can't make a case against us on a cipher that wasn't even directed to us. Mrs. Russell. I don't believe it referred to us at all. 88 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Everett. Then why did you come down in the middle of the night to tell him where to find the package ? Mrs. Russell. I knew you were going to search the house, and I had a lot of letters — if you must know — foolish, personal letters from the Baron, written before the war, that I didn't want anyone to read, and I was afraid that — taken with the cipher message — they might arouse a suspicion against me. Everett. Show me those letters. Jarvis. (Quickly) I got them and I destroyed them. Everett. Yuu didn't have time to. Jarvis. (To Mrs. Russell ) There you are — there's no use talking to him — he won't believe you ! They've gone out on a spy hunt and they've got to find a spy. Mrs. Russell. Frank, after all the years you've known us — you can't really believe that we're Ger- man agents. Even if we have letters, you ought to know that we aren't trying to conceal anything from the Government to help the Germans. You ought to know that we aren't lying to you. Everett. If you have any such letters, you ought to know after all these years that you can trust me with them. It's no use, Margaret, you're not telling me the truth. Mrs. Russell. (Dropping in chair l. of tea-table — breaking dozvn and beginning to cry) It's shame- ful — it's shameful — keeping this boy here all night, torturing him ! As for me — I haven't slept a wink — worrying. Jarvis. Don't you worry about me, Mother, I can stand it as long as he can. (There is a knock at the hall door. Everett goes up as if to open it, turns quickly to look at them, then calls) Everett. Come in. HE LEX WESTLEY "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 89 Katherine. (Katherine opens the door and enters, pale and distressed — pausing up R.c.) Captain Everett, will you let me speak to Jarvis ? Everett. (Up l.c.J Certainly. Katherine. (Going down to Jarvis J I want to talk to him alone. Mrs. Russell. (Rises. To Everett as she moves up to hall) If this had been in the old days, I'd have thrown you out of your commission so quick! You think because I've no friends here now (Exit to r. of hall) Everett. I'll leave you alone with Jarvis, but I'll have to put some one on these doors, and I'll have to watch him through the window. (He goes up to R.3, and calls) Jack ! Jack. (Off stage, out of sight) Yes, Cap- tain Everett. Will you see that nobody enters or leaves this room? Jack. Very well, Captain. Everett. Put the sergeant on the other door. ('Everett goes out to hall to l. closing doors. After a moment he appears at the window) Katherine. (In a terrified whisper) Jarvis, — they're German papers! Jarvis. (In sudden alarm) They are! Katherine. He's taken a lot of old letters and he's put things among the pages. Jarvis. (He is below chair r. of table l.) Damn him !— big German blunderhead ! He's got us in a nice mess ! What are they ? Katherine. (r. of him, a little above) They're in German. Some of it's like a diary. A lot of them are about things that happened at the em- bassy — callers and conversations. Jarvis. My God — Katherine — burn thern! If they get them now, we won't have a chance in the 90 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" world! (He turns down distractedly, then back to her) Katherine. (Still r. of him, facing him) No — if the Government wants them, you've got to give them up. They're valuable— they're full of names of people — spies and agents. Jarvis. Don't you see, Katherine, I can't give them up now. They've got this cipher message sending German agents here to get them from my mother. We could never prove now that we weren't in it! Katherine. Why didn't you tell me the truth? Why did you say that they were your mother's letters ? Jarvis. I didn't know that they weren't. She'd been writing silly stuff to von Feiffen, and I was trying to get a chance to go through them some- where and see what they were. These people were right on my heels and all I could do was pass them to you. (Katherine looks at him incredulously ) Don't you believe me ? Katherine ! Katherine. Well — you acted so — guilty, and you said you were doing it to save your mother. Jarvis. I was — I was ! Don't you believe me ? Katherine. I don't know what to believe. Jarvis. Oh, it doesn't matter what you believe now. (Regretfully) I've gotten you into it as bad as I am. If they find you've got them, they'll say you did it to protect me — just as I did it to protect my mother. You must get them out of the way ! Then we'll all be safe. If they don't find them, they've got no case against any of us. Katherine. Oh, if you had only told the truth in the beginning, you'd have saved all this trouble. (With a move up as if to go) Jarvis. (Drawing her back) Oh, Katherine — please — please! You can get yourself out of it — you can get us all out of it! PAUL DOUCET "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 91 Katherine. No — no! (The hall door opens and Everett comes in) Everett. (To r.c.J Well, Katherine, time's up. Katherine. (In painful hesitation — going up to him l. of him) Captain Everett — I — I Everett. Yes ? Katherine. Oh, I can't — I can't! Everett. (Patting her on the shoulder) Never mind — you have your breakfast now and we'll talk things over when we're all feeling better. Go on, Jarvis. (At door to Jack ) Jack, you and the sergeant take Jarvis here in to breakfast. (Exeunt Katherine and Jarvis R.3 — Katherine goes first. Everett to c. door looks off r., then l., then closes the doors and goes to r. of express box up l. and leaning against it takes out cigarette case. As he draws out a cigarette he says — ) Well, what did you get ? (No reply is audible. After he lights his cigarette he speaks again) Where are they? (Again there seems to be no reply. Again he speaks — after an interval) Yes — that's probable. (He goes up stage and throws open doors to hall. Exit to hall to r. Enter R.3, Janet running on, followed by Victor J Janet. (In laughing protest as she comes) Oh, no — no! Victor. But yes, Mademoiselle! Janet. (Pausing c. and turning to him) But — I've only known you two days Victor. (In hurt surprise) But it is war time, Mademoiselle ! Janet. That doesn't make any difference about (She goes to chair below table l. and sits facing r.) Victor. (Following her) Ah, yes, but it does! When there is war one cannot be slow to fall in love. A man must take quick his happiness or he will lose it forever. He may not have but a few 92 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" days to love. But you, Mademoiselle, I should adore you the first time I look in your eyes — if there was no war. There is nothing more to know about me — I am very quick to see t'rough me. (He is standing beside her, as he speaks, r. of table) Janet. But wait — wait a little while Victor. ( Sitting r. of table ) Wait! — How long must I wait then? — until I go back to the front and then come again ? I may not be the same man. I may not be very good to look at. Now I have been hit here and here and somewhere here. (In- dicating his shoulder, thigh and forearm) But sup- pose it get it in the face — suppose I can no longer look at you and you turn your eyes away at the sight of me, then you will be sorry you did not be loved by me now. Janet. (Rising, laughing and embarrassed ) Oh, but I must think about it — think it over a little, you know. (Crossing to about c.) Victor. (Rising, folloiving to l. of her) Oh, don't think about it, Shanet, — love about it! That is what you should do. Is it that I tell you I love too close apart ? (She turns facing r. with a little laugh. He goes back of her to her r. to look at her, then continues) Peut-etre I should say it more far to- get'er. Janet. (Laughing) No — no Victor. Is it that you do not like me at all? Janet. No — no — not that — I don't know Victor. If you like me now, that is all there is to it. In two t'ree minutes you shall love me. That is the way it was wit' me — I like you and then — two or t'ree minutes — I love you ! (Enter Augusta busily from hall, to r.) Augusta. Mr. Fontaine, your breakfast is get- ting cold. (She goes directly to telephone, sits back of table, and takes the receiver. Janet runs out c. tOR.) JANET BEECHER "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 93 Victor. (Coming up to L. of c. door, then turn- ing unth a struggle between politeness to Augusta and his wish to folloxv Janet,) Oh, t'ank you, Madame, but I have had all of it warm that I want. (He quickly goes out c. to r.) Augusta. Hello — hello, Central — give me Main, 8460, please — yes (As she waits she turns and sees the box and exclaims) Why (To 'phone) Mr. Nutley — Mr. Oliver Cromwell Nutley, please. (Holding the receiver to her ear, she half rises, looking the box over, exclaiming to herself) Why, what's this? (Then quickly to 'phone) Hello — oh, is that you, Oliver ? Good morning ! Oh, I'm well, but I'm fearfully worried — well, I wish you'd come right over — no — it's about the war — something pro- German. We need you very much — I can't explain on the 'phone — no, I can't — yes — no — I don't know what — well, you see Yes, I — I was going to say Well, do come right over. (She hangs up as Charlotte comes in c. from r., her eyes as big as saucers) Charlotte. Why golly days! — wha' — wha' — wha' — are all dese yere trifles doin' hea'? Augusta. I don't know, Charlotte. When did they come? Charlotte. Why, Miss Augusta, ma'am, I don' kno' no mo' 'n a orphan 'sylum. Is dose dere your t'ings — done up in a ornery gunny sack? (Indi- cating the barrel) Augusta. (Looking at label on box) No, in- deed they're not. I don't know where they came from. They must have been left here by mistake. Charlotte. It's dat ole fool nigga, Fai'fax, un- loadin' t'ings inter de front pa'lo'. He suttenly is aggrafrettin'. Ef yo' don' keep yo eyes on dat black man ebery minute, he'll make a house look like an automobile ga'bage. (She hurries out R.3J Augusta. (Puzzling over the label) There's no 94 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" name on these things (Turning as Pryor en- ters from r. of hall) John, these aren't ours. Pryor. (With somewhat exaggerated surprise) They're not? Augusta. And what are they doing in here any- way Pryor. (Coming down to table l. for a match and lighting his cigar) Why, the Captain didn't want them carried upstairs, and I didn't want to clutter up the hall Augusta. Well, why didn't you have them taken to the basement? Pryor. That's so — I never thought of that. Augusta. I think you might have called me. I'm supposed to be doing the housekeeping, you know. Pryor. Now what's the use of getting a palpi- tation over it. I'll call up the express company from my office and tell them to come and get them. Leave them alone — don't bother. Augusta. A lot of strange things in the parlor — people up all night — and spies and pro-Germans — and trying to strangle Mr. Nutley — we might as well be in Belgium! Pryor. What are you trying to do with Nutley — marry him? Augusta. Now, John Pryor, don't you be low ! Oliver Nutley is the only man I've ever met in my life I could respect, and he's the only man I've met who has any sense about this war. Pryor. Good Lord, Augusta! Augusta. Well, he's the only man that has any intelligent plan for ending it. Pryor. (In exasperation) If we've got to have that fellow propagandering around in the fam- ily (Exit to hall, going r. Augusta goes di- rectly to 'phone and takes the receiver) Augusta. Hello — Central? — please give me In- "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 95 formation. (A pause) Information? — Will you please give me the Government office for the ex- press companies? I can't see the number — my glasses are up — yes, thanks. (Fairfax enters R.3) Fairfax. (Coming to r.c, well tip stage) Miss Augusta, I 'pologize fo' dis clutteration. I'se not responsible, ma'am. Mr. Pryor an' Cap'n Eve'tt Augusta. Hello — is this the express company? Well, you've delivered some boxes and barrels and things here by mistake — Pryor — 1580 — K-street — yes — and I don't want them left here They don't look at all sanitary. I want them taken away from here at once. Well, I don't know — I don't know but what they have bugs in them — yes — right away? Very well. (She hangs up, and rising turns to Fairfax ) Never mind, Fairfax, they'll be taken away. (Moving up to door R.3) (Ready door bell) Fairfax. (Following her) Yes, Miss Augusta, — thank you, ma'am. I'm relieveder. Augusta. (Going out R.3) Be sure to call me as soon as Mr. Nutley comes. Fairfax. Yes, Miss Augusta, I'll give it my un- divided intention. (Exit R.3) (Enter Katherine quickly from r. of hall, draw- ing Jack in with her, and dozvn to r. of table l.) Katherine. (As they come) There's no one in here, Jack, — come in here. (She closes the door and turns to him) Jack. What's the matter? Katherine. (In suppressed excitement) Jack — last night — Jarvis gave me that package of pa- pers! Jack. Katherine ! 96 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Katherine. He said they were his mother's let- ters — he said she'd be disgraced Jack. He was lying to you ! Katherine. Yes — they weren't — I looked at them this morning — and they were German — writ- ten in German Jack. (Eagerly) Yes Katherine. Papers from the embassy. Jack. Have you got them still? Where are they? Katherine. Jack, they're gone ! Jack. Gone ! Katherine. I came down here and told Jarvis he'd have to give them up and he wouldn't, and while we were arguing about it some one got in the room and took them ! Jack. Who did it — do you know ? Katherine. No — I had my door locked — I had them hidden in the drawer of the bureau, and when I went back — just a few minutes later — they were gone! Jack. Did his mother know where they were? Katherine. No — nobody knew but me, and no- body knew I had them except Jarvis. Jack. I'll bet he told her. Katherine. No — I'm sure he never had a chance. Captain Everett was watching all the time. Besides, my door was locked. Jack. That looks as if some one got in from the outside. Are you sure they're not there? (Door bell is heard) Come on — let me look. (They hurry out at back. Fairfax from R.3 goes out to the hall to l. He soon ushers in Nutley ) Fairfax. I'll res' yo' hat, suh. (Taking it and leaving it on- table in hall before they enter) Make yo'se'f puffec'ly commodious, suh. I'll info'm Miss Augusta ob yo' arrival. (Exit R.3. Nutley sits L. of tea-table r., and takes out an important looking "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 97 type-written manuscript. He puts on his bone- rimmed glasses, takes a pencil from his pocket, and makes some alterations in an engrossed manner. Enter Augusta R.3. He is so absorbed that he doesn't hear her) Augusta. (Coming to- back of tea-table) Well, it does me good to see a man with some concentra- tion. (Nutley rises) This whole place has been like a mad house ever since you left it. This room — why, Oliver, you've given it a different atmos- phere already. Nutley. (Full of his plan) Well, I've got it all here typewritten — I've had a stenographer working all night on it. Augusta. (Going r. of tea-table, sits at upper end of sofa) Oh, do tell me — you haven't been over- working, have you, Oliver ? Nutley. (Sitting again) I wouldn't be ashamed to lay this before General Pershing himself ! Augusta. Because that's just the way a man like you makes himself ill — when you have nobody to stop you. Nutley. I want to read this to Pryor. He asked me to lay it out Augusta. Oliver, I'm worried about you — have you had your breakfast? Nutley. Yes — yes — and I've got it laid out, Augusta ! Augusta. I love the way you say Augusta! You put such force into it — such feeling! Nutley. And I've got it laid out in such a way that he can't help but see it! Augusta. Why do you bother with John at all — a man of your personality. You ought to be able to carry this thing through yourself, instead of let- ting other people get the credit for it. You ought to take it direct to the President and just insist on its being done. You know I stand with you, Oliver. 98 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Together we ought to be able to accomplish any- thing. Nutley. (Pounding the papers) If they'd fol- low this, Augusta, — it's just a matter of time be- fore we'd end the war ! Augusta. Now, Oliver, you've got to let me help you ! — and let us plan together a regular cam- paign. Nutley. You're right, I will! Augusta. You've got to settle down here and get a house — hotels are bad for you. Nutley. You're right ! Augusta. In Washington these things have to be done in a social way. You need to get people to your own house and entertain them. That's where I'll be a help to you. Nutley. Augusta, you're right — I will ! Augusta. Oh, Oliver, I'm so happy — you make me so happy ! To have something to work for — something worth while ! These people — they don't appreciate me any more than they do you, Oliver. I'm sure together we can do anything! (Rising and seizing the surprised Nutley by the hand) Nutley. (Rising — flabbergasted) But, Augus- ta — you see this plan has been so much on my mind — I hadn't thought of anything — except to end the war Augusta. Yes, I knew how engrossed you've been, Oliver, but even in war time life must go on. (Enter Pryor from r. of hall. Augusta drops Nutley's hand as she sees him — moving back a step) Oh, John — come in — come in — Mr. Nutley and I have — have come to an understanding. He wants me to help him with his work, and we've agreed to go into a partnership on it — not that our relations have been wholly unromantic. Pryor. (Coming down to l. of him) Now that's fine, Nutley ! I've been feeling that I wasn't the "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 99 person to help you with this. (Reaching down and seising his limp hand and shaking it vigorously ) Nutley. (Blankly) Yes — yes Pryor. And I can recommend Augusta. She's the very one to take hold of a scheme like yours and talk it across. Nobody better! We'll have to drink to it! You know that first aid I told you about? — come on out and try some. (Taking him by the l. arm) Nutley. No — no, thanks — I feel a little — little dizzy already Augusta. (Gaily) Yes, come on, Oliver. (Pick- ing up the manuscript from the table and taking his r. arm) Let me carry the manuscript ! (They lead the dazed Nutley up c.) Pryor. (As they go out r. in hall) Well, I can tell you this about Augusta — whenever she goes after a thing she gets it. (Exeunt) (Enter from R.3, Jarvis, Katherine, then Jack. Jarvis is puffing at a cigarette and Jack about to light one. Jarvis goes to r. of table l., Katherine to l.c. Jack to c.) Jack. I simply want to let you know, Jarvis, that Katherine has told me you gave her the pack- age last night and she went through it and found it was a lot of stuff the Huns would give you an iron cross for hiding. Jarvis. Katherine, did you do that? Katherine. (Sitting l. of tea-table) Yes Jarvis. (Flinging his cigarette away, and cross- ing to sofa r., sits at lower end, facing up) All right — that ends it ! It finishes me and it finishes my mother. I suppose they'll let you off as an in- former in the case. Katherine. I don't care — I don't care what happens to me. Jarvis. (Bitterly) No — you can be perfectly ioo "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" easy in your mind. You've ditched the rest of us, but that needn't worry you. Jack. (c. to Katherine,) He evidently doesn't know. Jarvis. Doesn't know what? Jack. The stuff has disappeared again. Katherine. No Jarvis. Disappeared ! Jack. Did you tell your mother that Katherine had it? Jarvis. No, I did not, and you can just leave my mother out of this. She hasn't had anything to do with this from the start. Jack. Well, then the Germans have got it. The fellows that broke in at Hilltop have evidently climbed in upstairs. I wondered when none of them turned up here last night. Jarvis. (Eagerly — rising) Does Everett know? Jack. No — not yet. Jarvis. (Crossing to r. of table l.) Well, there you are ! What are you all worrying about ? It's gone and nobody's hurt and that's all there is to it ! Jack. (To l.c.J What do you mean — that's all there is to it? Jarvis. Why, you're not going to tell Everett now that it's all over? It can't do the Government any good now — they can't get the information that was in the papers — if there was any. Jack. No, but Jarvis. No, but nothing! I told Everett that it was a package of my mother's letters and that I'd destroyed them. They're gone and that lets us all out. Katherine needn't be involved in it at all nor my mother, and Everett doesn't have to know thar they were German papers. Katherine. (Quickly, rising) No — we've got to tell the truth ! Jarvis. Now look here, Jack, you know that's "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 101 nothing but talk. The truth won't do the Govern- ment a bit of good and it'll do us all harm. If I were guilty, you might hold it against me, but I got into this thing as innocently as she did. Jack. You can talk till your teeth drop out — I've got to tell Everett the whole story and you know it. (Turning up c.) Jarvis. Oh, he's fond of you, is he, Katherine? Yes — he isn't going to do a thing but mess you all up in this business. Here we are with the whole thing settled and he Katherine. If he doesn't tell Captain Everett, I will! (Crossing to Jarvis J Jarvis. Katherine, I thought you cared enough for me to — why, we were Katherine. (Deeply moved) No — not any more ! I can't Jarvis. I knew it — I knew it! He's worked this whole thing on me from the ring down ! Jack. (Turning down to them quickly exclaim- ing) Why you Katherine. (Checking him) Jack — please! (Then to JarvisJ No — you did it yourself. I didn't realize when I took the ring why I wanted to wear it so much. (Holding out her hand to Jack,) Jack. (r. of her, eagerly taking it) Oh, Kath- erine ! ( Jarvis with a gesture of despair moves away in front to table to window ~l.) (Enter Everett from r. of hall) Katherine. (Going up to l. of him) Captain Everett, Jarvis gave me that package of papers. I hid it in my room all night and this morning it was stolen. Everett. I see — I see — Katherine, will you tell Mrs. Russell to come here? ("Katherine looks at him in perplexity, then goes out to hall to r.) 102 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Jack. (Up l.c.) Katherine thought they were his mother's letters. Jarvis. (Turning at window) I thought they were myself. All I wanted was a chance to go through them. If I'd found they were German, I'd have given them up to you. Everett. (r.cJ Well, they were German, weren't they? Jack. Katherine read them and told him they were. Everett. (To JarvisJ And you didn't give them up. You tried to persuade her to destroy them. Jarvis. (Coming to lower end of table) Well — I'd lost my nerve — having you ballyragging at me all night. I couldn't explain. I thought it was too late. Everett. There's worse than ballyragging com- ing to you. Sit down there. (Jarvis drops in chair r. of table l. Enter Mrs. Russell c. from r. still defiant, followed by Katherine and Pryor. Mrs. R. goes directly to c. Katherine sits on sofa, go- ing to it r. of tea-table. Jack stands at upper end and Pryor goes to back of tea-table) Margaret, you and your son have got me into a position now where there's nothing for me to do but turn you over to the Department of Justice. Jarvis. All right, Mother, let them turn us over. The letters are gone and let them do what they like. Mrs. Russell. (Frantically crossing to Jarvis down l., pausing above him) Gone! Where are they? Who got them? Jarvis. It's all right, Mother, they weren't your letters at all. Mrs. Russell. Not my letters? — how do you know? — are you sure? SHELLEY HULL "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 103 Jarvis. Katherine went through them. They were a lot of German dope and the Germans got away with them. Mrs. Russell. (With a look to her) Kath- erine ! Everett. (Sternly) Yes, — now listen to me. This man, von Feiffen, gave you a lot of photo- graphs and personal letters that he said he wanted to keep for sentimental reasons, and on top of them he deliberately put a letter in your mother's hand- writing, Jarvis, so as to make you believe that some of them were letters from her. He set this very trap for you into which you fell. Jarvis. I don't believe it ! Everett. No — but you will. Pryor. I never knew anyone yet that got mixed up in a friendly way with one of these Prussian scabs that he didn't find he'd been swindled. Mrs. Russell. (Indignantly) Baron von Feif- fen Everett. (He speaks not loudly but weightily, in intense indignation) Baron von Feiffen was the most secret and special agent that the German Great General Staff had in America. Jarvis. He's trying to scare us — he's trying to bluff us Everett, (r.c, drazving two or three ordinary envelopes and some letters from his inside pocket) These Prussian plotters are a strange study in psy- chology. They'll do things so secretly that their Gott himself couldn't trace it to them, and then they'll sit down and make a report on it as methodi- cal as a bookkeeper. Now here's a record that this fellow made of an order he got late in May, 1918, directing him to open what were practically war ac- counts in half a dozen German-American banks. That was nearly two months before the Austrian assassination that gave his General Staff an excuse for declaring war. 104 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Pryor. (Excitedly r., still back of tea-table) What ! — You don't mean it ! Jarvis. (With a change) Is that true? Is that there ? Everett. Yes. He plotted against you and he plotted against your country as if you were the worst enemies he had. Mrs. Russell. Oh, I can't believe it! Everett. (Turning r. and placing papers on tea- table as he ends speech) He puts it all down here, page after page like a diary, and when we gave him his passports home he was afraid to take it through the British lines and he was afraid to trust it to any of his people here, so he plays you for a pair of gulls, and tricks you into hiding it for him. Now if you think you can go before a court and prove that you are innocent, how are you going to do it? Pryor. (Taking the papers and looking them over with Jack) Well, I'll be jiggered! Jack. Isn't that the goods ! Mrs. Russell. (Collapsing completely to chair r. of table l.) Frank — we're innocent — you know we're innocent! Everett. No, I don't. You've been against this war and you've held your son out of it. Mrs. Russell. I didn't — I didn't! Everett. And he's been the tool of his pro-Ger- man senator and played the German game. Mrs. Russell. No — no! We didn't know, Frank — we trusted him. (Rising) Jarvis. (Very pale and determined, turning front, as he stands below table l.) All right — go as far as you like, but if you put me in jail with one of that gang, I'll strangle him in the night. Pryor. Well, you begin to talk like a human be- ing once more ! Mrs. Russell. (Going to Everett and clinging to him) Frank, don't do it — you can't do it! He deceived us more than he did anybody ! Jarvis did "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" 105 it for me — I was frightened — my letters — I wasn't thinking about the war. Pryor. (Still back of tea table) She wasn't thinking of the war ! What's the use of people like us spending millions of dollars advertising it. Everett. Have you any more of this stuff? Mrs. Russell. No — no — I never had it! Everett. (To JarvisJ Have you? Jarvis. (Still below table l.) I wish I had! I wish I had enough to hang them all ! Mrs. Russell. Frank — we've been foolish but we haven't been guilty ! You can't — you won't Pryor. Captain, how in hell — I beg your pardon — how did you get this ? Everett. Oh, I found it through a friend of ours. (Warn Curtain) Jarvis. (To l. of Mrs. R., r. of table h.) Well, what do you want us to do ? Everett. (To Mrs. Russell,) There's only one thing you can do to save yourself with me. You've got to stop talking against the war. (To Jarvis ) And you've got to enlist. Jarvis. That doesn't worry me. I'll enlist fast enough. I'd just as soon fight Germans as fight all you people ! Mrs. Russell. Well, Jarvis, we've been wrong, and we might as well admit it, but they can't say we haven't had the courage of our convictions. And I don't care, I'm proud of you, Jar. At least, you haven't been a quitter. Jarvis. All right, Mother, you leave it to me. If I meet von Feiffen on the other side, I'll say what I've got to say to him ! (Enter from r. of hall, Augusta with two Express- men back of her. They come in quickly and go directly to express case up l.) 106 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Augusta. Captain, I'm sorry to interrupt you but the expressmen have come for these things. I want them taken out of here. I'm afraid there might be something in them, f Nutley has followed and pauses tip r. of Augusta J Everett. Well, there is. (The men have tipped the case and raised it to carry it out, and as they straighten up with it, one of them exclaims in fright) Moore. My God — there's a man in it! (They drop the barrel with a thud. Enter, running on R.3, Janet and Victor,) Everybody. (But Pryor and Everett j What ! A man! Augusta. (Up stage c.) Oliver — It's a pro- German! (Turning to him for protection) Victor. (Up r. with Janet ) ItisaBoche! Everett. (r.cJ No — it's that friend of ours. I thought this was a place where all of us fellers needed one. CURTAIN MARCHING TO BERLIN By Oliver Herford. Music by R. Hugo. We come from God's own country, in the ships of Uncle Sam. We're going to get the William goat of Kaiser Will-i-am. We know it is verboten, but we do not give a damn, As we go marching to Berlin! We're from the dear old U. S. A., the land of Liberty; We've crossed a hundred rivers, three thousand miles of sea, To teach the Huns a thing or two about Democracy, As we go marching to Berlin! Hurray! Hurray! We'll wave the Stripes and Stars! Away, away with Emperors and Czars! And when we get the Kaiser we'll put him be- hind the bars. As we go marching to Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! We're marching to Berlin! We're in! We're in! We're in the war to win! There'll be a hot time coming to the Kaiser and his kin When we go marching to Berlin! We've left our happy homes that we may help to win the war. We're a millon strong already and there'll soon be mil- lions more; And when the job is done, with Kaiser Bill we'll mop the floor, As we go marching to Berlin! 107 108 "WHEN A FELLER NEEDS A FRIEND" Our battle-cry is Freedom, and we'll show the Prussian swine That Freedom, good old Freedom, is the only Right Divine; And when we catch old Kaiser Bill we'll pitch him in the Rhine, As we go marching to Berlin! Hurray ! Hurray ! We're going to make it hot For Hindenburg and all the bloody lot; And when we catch the Kaiser we'll present him to his Gott, As we go marching to Berlin! Berlin! Berlin! We're marching to Berlin! We're in! We're in! We're in the war to win! There'll be a hot time coming to the Kaiser and his kin When we go marching to Berlinl Corrritk** «t '«•■» B. Bat* ».°«~ k»»t.t» I D*** /L_ 0L.4UM. | p j. | p J [ J | tt^j „ Z~* *. l~t 2>°- ~~. •*«■■ ff 1 " £ ' — = f3 — •^ Iff 7 tJtT tif kj tf* w -C — J j — ; , -i-5* JT ' fr ? — €\ 1. ,11 fB3f ,1 J J J. 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