Class __^i3j5i^ 
 
 Book. /48a 8 ^T7 - 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSrL 
 
American Dramatists Series 
 
 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 A SATIRIC COMEDY 
 IN THREE ACTS 
 
 BY 
 
 HARRIET HOLMES HASLETT 
 
 HI 
 
 Author of "Jack's Bluff," "Dolores of the Sierra 
 
 and Other One- Act Plays," "The Temptation 
 
 of Anne O'Brien" and "Impulses" 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 RICHARD G. BADGER 
 
 THE GORIIAM PRESS 
 
Copyright 1920, by Richard G. Badger 
 All Rights Reserved 
 
 •g)CU604'i5i 
 
 Made in the United States of America 
 
 The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A. 
 
 NOV 16/920 
 
To 
 J. W. H. AND R. H. H. 
 
 OR ANY OTHER COUPLE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR 
 
PREFACE 
 
 Various well-known persons have given forth 
 epigrams on the subject of the stage, ranging all 
 the way from Euripides to Brander Matthews. 
 These are chiefly concerned with the theater and 
 the actor. Few have mentioned the dramatist, 
 yet back of all the author stands, armed with his 
 or her own beliefs and standards. 
 
 Personally I believe with Mazzini that the 
 drama is the meeting place of art and life. 
 
 Among the several forms of drama the satiric 
 is the least understood. Just why this is so I 
 know of no one who has vouchsafed an opinion. 
 It must be because human beings hate ridicule 
 directed against themselves. 
 
 According to the laws which should govern 
 true satire the satirist must be well grounded in 
 his subject before he presumes to ridicule. Then, 
 wherever they will, even into his own soul, his 
 satiric darts will fly, carrying inevitable truth on 
 their wings. 
 
 This comedy is hyphenated with satire as will 
 be perceived. In the guise of lightness I have 
 endeavored to present some of the realities, which 
 during this unusually restless period are apparent 
 in our everyday life. It may help us to live, not 
 with the "Professor" who vainly glimpses "fifty 
 
6 PREFACE 
 
 years hence," but now, in the "today which will 
 never dawn again." 
 
 All about us truth abounds, not only, as the 
 proverb would have us believe, "at the bottom 
 of a well," but close to our vision, if we would 
 stretch out our hands and tear away the net- 
 work of pretense enshrouding it. Under the sat- 
 irized mistakes of today may be discovered the 
 livable truths of tomorrow! 
 
 H. H. H. 
 
 Alameda, California 
 
TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
CHARACTERS 
 
 Rodney Finlayson, an artist. 
 
 Jane, his wife. 
 
 Edward Allen, a business man. 
 
 Beatrice, his wife. 
 
 Tad Allen, six years old. 
 
 Mrs. Perry. 
 
 Isabel, her daughter; an art student. 
 
 Sydney Parker, Isabel's fiance. 
 
 Professor Staticmuller, a lecturer. 
 
 Bong, a Chinese cook. 
 
 SCENES 
 
 Act I — The living-room of the Finlaysons and 
 the Aliens. 
 
 Act II — Mrs. Perry's sitting-room. 
 Act III — Same as Act I. 
 
 Period — The present. 
 
TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 ACT I 
 
 Scene: The joint living-room of the Finlaysons 
 and the Allens. // is a large, comfortable 
 room, furnished partly as a studio, partly as a 
 sittinff-room. The entrances are at center, 
 leading to the hall, and at left, leading to the 
 Finlaysons' apartment. A stairway leads 
 from above into the entrance-hall. The din- 
 ing-room is presumably at right of the stairs, 
 the street door at the left. A hat-stand is 
 visible near the foot of the stairs. 
 
 There is a mantel luith mirror at R., a couch R. C. 
 and a r^eading table on which are a lamp and 
 books, periodicals, et cetera. Grouped about 
 are easy-chairs. 
 
 At L. there is a table on which are artists^ utensils. 
 On the walls are sketches and canvases. Models 
 are everywhere. There are two windows up 
 L. C. and L. Rodney Finlayson's easel is 
 near the large window L. C, and a smaller 
 one for Isabel is near the window L. A type- 
 writer is near Isabel's easel. Rugs are used 
 for the whole room, and there are several 
 small chairs. Isabel's hat, coat, and purse are 
 on a chair near C. E. 
 
 At Curtain Rodney Finlayson is discovered in 
 II 
 
12 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 front of his easel, painting. He is a slight, 
 rather dark-complexioned man, wearing, as the 
 distinctive feature of his costume, a black vel- 
 vet studio jacket. 
 Having passed through various phases he has 
 reached the stage of life when he is whimsically 
 expectant of each new event, and ready to give 
 all modern ideas a fair showing. 
 Isabel is a pretty, fair-haired girl of twenty-two, 
 alert and capable, with a quick sense of humor. 
 She wears a tailored skirt and shirtwaist. She 
 is engaged in putting away her painting mate- 
 rials near her own easel. The light is fading. 
 A fire is burning in the open grate R. 
 Finlayson {Glancing at the canvas on Isabel''s 
 easel) — That's good — a decided improvement. 
 Isabel — I'm so glad. I was getting discouraged. 
 Finlayson {Returning to his work) — Never say 
 that ! Perseverance ! Have you finished for the 
 day? There is still a little light. 
 
 Isabel — I vi^ant to w^rite those letters for you be- 
 fore I go. 
 
 Finlayson — That's good of you, but I hate to 
 trouble you. 
 
 Isabel — Why, you knov^^ I love to do it! {Tak- 
 ing up some notes of a letter) Here's this one to 
 Mrs. Hamilton about that landscape, I'll copy it. 
 And what about that sitting of Mr — er — Profes- 
 sor — what is the man's name? 
 
 Finlayson — Blest if I know! He's some freak 
 or another who wants me to perpetuate his mug on 
 canvas. My wife can tell you, she's always talk- 
 ing about him. She got me the job — er — {whimsi- 
 
ACT I 13 
 
 caliy) — I mean the honor of the operation. Tm 
 told it is an honor! 
 
 Isabel {Laughing) — Very well, I'll write the 
 note now, and get the address later. Oh, I know — 
 Statlcmuller ! That's his name. {She sits at the 
 typewriter. ) 
 
 Finlayson — Staticmuller, yes, I believe it is. Some 
 sort of a culture bug, isn't he? What's his spe- 
 cialty ? 
 
 Isabel — I think he lectures on various new- 
 thought problems — the management of husbands, 
 and so forth. 
 
 Finlayson — Judging by his name he might be one 
 of those chaps who can tell you how many postage 
 stamps it would take to encircle the globe, or how 
 one can live comfortably on thirty-seven and a half 
 cents a week, using the half-cent for diversions ! 
 
 Isabel {Laughing) — Especially if you're a wo- 
 man ! 
 
 Finlayson {Laughing) — Exactly! He's a brother 
 to the Miss Nancy who hoards up the cotton tags 
 off her laundry to make bedspreads. Choice cult ! 
 
 Isabel— Hal Ha! Ha! 
 
 Finlayson — Isabel, your sense of humor always 
 exhilarates me. Do you know, you're a rare sort of 
 girl? 
 
 Isabel — ^Why? Because I chortle over your 
 jokes ? 
 
 Finlayson — That's one reason, I suppose. You'll 
 never become an early victim to dyspepsia. 
 
 Isabel — Not while you continue to exercise my 
 giggles. 
 
 Finlayson — Well, let's get back to Staticmuller, 
 
14 TRIAL MARRIAGE ' 
 
 whatever his vocation. Sufficient that my wife ad- 
 mires him! (paintinff) You might say {dictating) ^ 
 "I can give you your first sitting at three o'clock on 
 Tuesday next. Those following can be arranged 
 later. Kindly let me hear as soon as possible if this 
 will be agreeable to you. Believe me, et cetera " 
 
 (Isabel takes this in her note book, and copies 
 it on the machine. Finlayson glances up at the 
 windoWj draws aside the curtains and pulls up the 
 shade. During the preceding Tad Allen enter's 
 C. E. He comes in secretly, creeps to the couch 
 and places a small package on it. He is just the 
 impish, lovable sort of child who would be called 
 "Tad,") 
 
 Isabel {In a moment, noticing him) — Hello, 
 Tad! What are you doing? 
 
 Tad {Standing up quickly)— Has mama come 
 home yet? 
 
 Isabel — No, not yet. 
 
 Tad — I'm hungry. 
 
 Finlayson {Laying aside his brush) — So am I, 
 Tad ; now that you mention it. 
 
 Tad — I wish she'd come home! She and Aunt 
 Jane are always at their old meetings ! 
 
 Isabel — They'll soon be home now. 
 
 Tad {Confidentially, hanging over the back of 
 Isabel's chair) — Do you know what's today? 
 April Fools,' that's what! 
 
 Isabel — Gracious, so it is! I'd forgotten all about 
 it. 
 
 Tad — I didn't. I remembered! 
 
 Isabel — Run away now, I'm busy. Go and help 
 Bong get dinner. 
 
 Tad — I did help him — I know what's for dinner ; 
 
ACT I 15 
 
 apple pie! {He snatches Isabel's purse from the 
 chair, unseen by her, and runs out ecstatically C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson {Painting again) — It seems to me that 
 Beatrice leaves Tad altogether too much with that 
 heathen Chinee. 
 
 Isabel — It has been rather frequent lately, but I 
 am supposed to look out for him a little when you 
 don't keep me too busy. 
 
 Finlayson — Why should you play nursemaid for 
 Beatrice? 
 
 Isabel {Laughing) — ^What a name to call a little 
 friendly help! 
 
 Finlayson — ^You come here to paint pictures. 
 
 (Tad creeps back and works over the purse and 
 a thread. He places the purse on the floor near 
 C. E., holds the thread in his hand, and conceals 
 hirnself behind the portiere.) 
 
 Isabel — To learn to paint pictures, you mean; 
 and to write a few letters for you. I wish you'd 
 give me more of that sort of work. I feel that I 
 do so little to repay you for all these lessons you 
 are giving me. 
 
 Finlayson — Nonsense! Haven't I told you that 
 I didn't want to hear any more about that? 
 {Throwing down his brush) The light Is gone. 
 
 {He turns on the electric bulb near Isabel. She 
 continues typing while he draws down the shades, 
 and covers his canvas.) 
 
 (Bong enters, C. E. He is the typical Chinese 
 servant of the west, with close-cropped, shining, 
 black hair; and is clothed in dark trousers and white 
 linen coat, and over all a large white apron of Chi- 
 nese pattern, tied with tapes at the back. He stoops 
 to pick up the purse. Tad twitches the thread, the 
 
i6 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 pwse hops alo?ig, much to Bong's surprise. Tad 
 springs out, laughing and shouting.) 
 
 Tad— A^r'il Fools' ! April Fools' ! 
 
 Bong {Grunting good-naturedly) — Aw, what 
 mailer you? I kill you my big knife. 
 
 Tad {Dancing about) — April Fools'! April 
 Fools'! 
 
 Finlayson — See here, Tad Allen, cut that out! 
 (Tad subsides.) Those are street tricks. Gentle- 
 men don't behave so in drawing-rooms. 
 
 (Bong turns on the lights at R.) 
 
 Tad — Not ever, everf 
 
 Finlayson {Sole?nnly) — Not ever, I assure you. 
 
 Tad — Then I don't want to be a gemplum ; they 
 don't have no fun. 
 
 {He busies himself with the purse and thread, 
 placing the purse C. E.) 
 
 Bong {To Isabel) — Ladies no come home yet? 
 
 Isabel — No, not yet. Bong. 
 
 (Bong goes into the entrance hall and turns on 
 the lights, then exits R. Tad follows hifn. Isabel 
 covers her machine and puts away papers.) 
 
 Finlayson {Looking at his watch) — It is getting 
 late. You'd better run along; I'll keep house. 
 
 Isabel — I am staying a little later this afternoon 
 to see Mr. Allen. He said he would bring me a let- 
 ter of recommendation for Sydney to the Carroll- 
 Seymour Company. It will mean so much to Syd 
 to get it I 
 
 Finlayson — Means something to you too, eh? 
 
 Isabel — Yes. If Sydney obtains the position, he 
 and I can announce our engagement and be married 
 in the fall. 
 
 Finlayson — What will Mrs. Perry say to that? 
 
ACT I 17 
 
 Isabel — Poor mother! She is never very strong, 
 you know, and that is one reason why I have de- 
 layed announcing our engagement. Sydney has been 
 very impatient; he can't understand it. But she is 
 feeling rather well just now, and if Syd gets this 
 position she will be willing. 
 
 Fmlayson — Then I suppose it will be all up with 
 this. {Indicatinff studio work) You women are 
 all alike — confoundedly eager to run your heads 
 into the noose ! 
 
 Isabel {Laughing) — Well, j^ou ran your head 
 into it, didn't you? 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, Jane and I hit it off all right! 
 The rare times I see her I'm rather fond of Jane. 
 We don't trouble each other much. 
 
 Isabel — You and Mrs. Finlayson are my model 
 couple. 
 
 Fi J? lay son (In affected honor) — My benighted 
 girl! What a standard! 
 
 Isabel (Seriously) — I like the way you take each 
 other for granted. 
 
 Finlayson — There's really nothing like it. For 
 mstance, Jane's sense of humor. She hasn't any, 
 you know, but I always take it for granted. 
 
 Isabel (Ruefully) — Neither has Syd. I wish I 
 could take it for granted, but I can't ; it's too far- 
 fetched ! 
 
 Finlayson — In a case like that the only way to 
 do is to cultivate your own to the fullest extent. 
 That has been mv plan right along. 
 
 Isabel— Well, I think I'll try it. 
 
 Finlayson — It would simply be a waste of genius, 
 if you didn't. Keep it up. In time you can't fail to 
 awaken Parker's. 
 
1 8 TRIAL MARRIAGE , 
 
 Isabel — But you admit that you're not always 
 successful with Mrs. Finlayson. 
 
 Finlayson — No, but I'm always hoping. Some- 
 times I think I detect a responsive gleam. The 
 turning point is bound to come some day. 
 
 Isabel {Smiling) — Then I'll take your advice and 
 continue to chase a forlorn hope. Syd is so good! 
 
 Finlayson (Ruefully) — So's Jane! Scandalously 
 so! {Both laugh.) 
 
 Tad {Running in C. E., ju?nping at Isabel and 
 clinging to her) — Say, Isabel, what's a apple-pie 
 bed? 
 
 Finlayson (Removing Tad forcibly) — Really, 
 Tad, if you were my son! 
 
 Tad — I guess I like my own dad best ! 
 
 Isabel — Never mind. Tad, come here. I'll tell 
 you about an apple-pie bed. (Mysteriously) You 
 tie up all the sheets and the pillow-cases, you know, 
 
 and the night-clothes, and you put everything 
 
 (They sit on the couch and whisper together, laugh- 
 ing.) 
 
 (Edward Allen enters hastily, C. E. He is of 
 medium complexion, rather tall, and heavily built; 
 an average type of the fairly prosperous business 
 man. He sees only the obvious in life; and when 
 affairs are going his way, this satisfies him.) 
 
 Allen — Hello, everybody! Say, Beatrice, hurry 
 on dinner, will you? I promised Carroll — ^why, 
 where is Bee? 
 
 Finlayson (Drawling) — Oh, she and Jane are 
 out at some club meeting, learning what brutes you 
 and I are, and what they must do to tame us! 
 
 Isabel — Good-evening, Mr. Allen. 
 
ACT I 19 
 
 Tad {Sprinffinff into Allen's arms) — Hello, 
 dad! 
 
 Allen — How d'ye do, Miss Perry. Pardon my 
 noise. Hello, Tad, you old rascal! 
 
 Isabel — I think Mrs. Allen and Mrs. Finlayson 
 went to the New Century Club this afternoon. 
 
 Tad — Dad! I don't never, never want to be a 
 gemplum. 
 
 Allen — No? You grieve me, son, you grieve me. 
 What's your reason? 
 
 Tad {Indicating Finlayson) — Not the kind he 
 Is anyway. Just a nice, noisy gemplum like you, 
 daddy! 
 
 Allen — Humph! 
 Finlayson — That lets me out. 
 Allen — Here, you young fellow, you weigh a 
 ton. Run along. (Tad runs out C. E.) 
 Isabel {Putting on her hat) — I must go. 
 Allen — Wait a moment. Miss Perry; I have 
 something for you. {He takes a letter from his 
 pocket.) 
 
 Isabel — Oh, Mr. Allen, you're so good ! 
 Finlayson — You and I are getting uncomfortably 
 virtuous, Ned. My sprouting wings feel cramped 
 under this jacket. Excuse me while I change. Good- 
 night, Isabel. {He goes out L.) 
 
 Isabel — Good-night. Don't mind me! 
 Allen — Here's the letter I promised you for Mr. 
 Parker to the Carroll-Seymour Company. {They 
 sit on the couch, and he gives it to her, Tad^ 
 anxious to see if they notice his package, creeps back 
 and hides behind them.) It is in a double envelope, 
 you see. I hope it will help. 
 
20 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Isabel — A recommendation from you, Mr. Allen, 
 makes It practically certain. 
 
 Allen — Carroll told me yesterday that he was 
 looking for just such a man. I don't think there 
 is much doubt but what Parker will make good. I 
 intended to phone him about the letter today, but it 
 slipped my mind. 
 
 Isabel — Oh, no, no ! You would have spoilt 
 everything. It's a secret. I'm keeping it for his 
 birthday tomorrow. 
 
 Allen— 0\ ho! Then I'm not to tell, eh? 
 
 Isabel {Laughing) — No, indeed. It's a secret 
 between you and me. Thank you so much ! You 
 have made me very happy. 
 
 (Tad peers around at them, listening intently. 
 Isabel rises. Tad drops down again behind the 
 couch.) 
 
 Allen {Cordially pj'essing her hand) — Don't 
 mention it! Always glad to put in a word when I 
 can. 
 
 (Bong enters C. E.) 
 
 Bong — Ladies no come yet? 
 
 Isabel — Not yet, Bong. You'll have to wait din- 
 ner a little longer. 
 
 Tad {Coming around the couch, luhining) — I'm 
 hungry! 
 
 Bong {Grumbling) — Aw, no good! Dinner all 
 spoil'em. {He goes out.) 
 
 Allen — Blank these women's clubs! I've got a 
 directors' meeting at the Indoor Yacht Club at 
 seven-thirty, and 
 
 Isabel {Slyly) — And that is important! 
 
 Allen {Recovering himself) — Oh, I guess we 
 men «;v selfish brutes; but Tad and I are hungry! 
 
ACT I 21 
 
 Let's get a new mama, Taddy — one who is always 
 on the job to feed us, eh? 
 
 Tad (Shouting) — Yes, I know who — Isabel! 
 
 Isabel ( Confused) — Tad ! 
 
 Allen {Laughing loudly) — Look here, old man, 
 you'd better not be so prompt. 
 
 Isabel — I must go. {Hastily going for her jacket) 
 I wonder where my purse is. (Tad laughs.) 
 
 { The front doorbell rings, Bong crosses C. E. to 
 answer. ) 
 
 Tad — I know where 'tis ! I know where 'tis ! 
 
 (Sydney Parker enters. Bong crosses C, E. 
 again to dining-room R. Parker is precisely the 
 type of "not good enough inan' for a splendid girl 
 like Isabel. He is rather handsome, and always 
 fashionably dressed. Bred in the conventional mold, 
 he has not the faintest idea that he is not good 
 enough for anybody. His egotism is wholly uncon^ 
 scions, the result of his perfectly correct upbring- 
 ing.) 
 
 Isabel — Oh, here's Syd ! 
 
 Parker — I thought I might just catch you. {He 
 greets Allen and Tad^ picks up the purse.) Hullo, 
 what's this? 
 
 Tad {Runs to him, laughing and shouting) — 
 April Fools'! April Fools'! 
 
 Parker {Catches Tad in his arms) — You rascal! 
 
 Isabel — My purse! Oh, you monkey! 
 
 Parker — It's a fine night to walk home, Isabel. 
 
 Isabel — Good ! I need some air. 
 
 (Allen assists Isabel with her jacket; she puts 
 the letter in her jacket pocket, with a meaning look 
 at him.) 
 
22 TRIAL MARRIAGE / 
 
 Tad {Whispering to Parker) — ^You mustn't ask 
 her about the secret. 
 
 Parker {Who has noticed the look between 
 Allen and Isabel) — ^What secret? 
 
 Tad — Shuh! / know. 
 
 Allen {Aside to Isabel) — That's between you 
 and me, eh? 
 
 Isabel {Beaming) — ^Yes. Good-night! 
 
 Parker {Eyes Allen keenly) — Good-night. {He 
 and Isabel go out C. E.) 
 
 Tad {With a huge sigh) — I think I like my own 
 mama best. 
 
 Allen — ^Yes, Taddy; so do I. Now, you'd bet- 
 ter not say anything to mama about what we were 
 talking. She might feel bad. We men understand 
 these things, you know. 
 
 Tad — ^Yes, we men does. (Allen approaches 
 the couch. Tad becomes anxious.) 
 
 (FiNLAYSON enters L. wearing a business suit.) 
 
 Finlayson — Say, where's dinner? 
 
 Allen — ^Where are the housewives who order din- 
 
 ner 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, get in line, Ned! Order your 
 own dinner! 
 
 Allen {Crossly) — Well, it makes me sore. Here 
 I've got a meeting — and Carroll — {Going C. E.) — 
 Bong! Oh, Bong! Put dinner on the table. We 
 won't wait any longer. 
 
 Bong {Off stage)— A\\[ght\ 
 
 Allen — It strikes me that these modern notions 
 are ^^^cidedly mixed. "Order dinner," yes! That's 
 all very fine ; but when Bee and Jane register polit- 
 ically to help make the laws to put us brute males 
 in our proper places, under what title do they 
 
ACT I 23 
 
 qualify? Housewives, Fin; housewives, do you 
 hear? 
 
 Finlayson {Lazily) — Well, here's their house; 
 and they're wives, aren't they? I don't care much 
 when I get my food, as long as there's plenty of it 
 when it comes, eh, Tad? 
 
 Tad — I'm hungry! Come on, daddy! {Dragging 
 Allen toward C. E. ) 
 
 Allen — ^Wives ought to be just as busy providing 
 things for the inner man as husbands are providing 
 raiment for the outer woman. 
 
 Finlayson — My dear Ned, don't you know that 
 when a woman and a tornado make up their minds 
 to go anywhere, nothing on earth can stop them ? 
 
 Allen — I attend to my work during business 
 hours, I expect others to do the same. I come 
 home a little late thinking dinner will be ready so 
 I can get to a meeting. No dinner — no wife — no 
 anything ! 
 
 Finlayson — As far as I can make out, the din- 
 ner's here ; so's the house. The only thing lacking 
 is the wife, exercising the same privilege of being 
 "a little late!" 
 
 Allen — ^Well, the main reason we set up this joint 
 establishment was to economise time for them as 
 well as money. But they don't seem to have any 
 more time than they had before. 
 
 Finlayson — Bromide! "Nobody has!" 
 
 Allen — Oh, you're always siding with the women ! 
 Beatrice is forever holding you up to me as a pat- 
 tern. You're "Johnny on the spot," right enough ! 
 
 Tad {Giving his father a series of jerks, saying 
 softly) — I'm hungry — I'm hungry! 
 
 Finlayson — She flatters me. You see, we've got 
 
24 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 to learn our proper places. It's hard on us, of 
 course. We're only "incidents," you know, in the 
 general scheme. What was it Jane told me I was 
 the other day? Professor StaticmuUer told her. 
 A — a — a — er — a "visualised mental projection," I 
 believe it was. {Airily) You and I are just 
 thoughts, Ned, just thoughts! 
 
 Allen — Oh, shut up ! (Tad is amazed.) 
 
 Finlayson — That's the sort of gentleman you 
 want to be, eh. Tad? 
 
 {A Chinese dinner-gong sounds off-stage. The 
 two men go out C. E. toward R. Tad ru?is ahead 
 of them, shouting ''Dinner! Dinner/'^) 
 
 {Immediately the sound of lively chatter is heard 
 in the entrance hall. Jane Finlayson and Bea- 
 trice Allen enter C. E. They are in becoming 
 street attire. Mrs. Finlayson is serious, incon- 
 sistent; but possessed of higher mentality than Mrs. 
 Allen^ whose jnind is of a sort with her fluffy, fair 
 hair, which is never in order. Jane's hair is s?nooth 
 and dark, and her serious eyes make one wish to 
 awaken in them that ''responsive gleam" of which 
 her husband spoke. They come to the center of the 
 room, co?npletely absorbed in their discussion. They 
 talk rapidly and simultaneously, the dialogue fitting 
 in disjointedly. Tad rushes back and swings on his 
 mother s arm. Finlayson and Allen return, and 
 remain standing in the doorway. The two women 
 do not perceive them.) 
 
 Tad — Mama — mama ! 
 
 Beatrice {Absent-mindedly kissing Tad) — Just 
 the same, Jane, he's wonderful 
 
 Jane — It's all so vital, so 
 
ACT I 25 
 
 Beatrice — I don't care what Mrs. Potter says, 
 
 he has the most 
 
 Jane — The test of a true marriage is in the- 
 
 Beatrice — He must have been terribly unhappy 
 himself. Why, didn't you notice when he 
 
 Jane — He's probably had an unfortunate love- 
 affair, and now he is trying 
 
 Beatrice — I'm sure of it ! He can never have 
 been tied to the ordinary humdrum 
 
 Jane — He speaks from experience. Only those 
 who have 
 
 Beatrice — That fascinating accent of his ! It just 
 haunts me, and 
 
 Jane — One must live these precepts to- 
 
 Beatrice — Just what I think. Anyone as noble- 
 looking as he is must have had 
 
 Jane — Everyone should have the chance to decide 
 these things by a fair trial. Why, what do we 
 women ever 
 
 Beatrice — His eyes are positively tragic. They 
 seem to see far, far 
 
 Jane — Up to now man has 
 
 ( They continue more volubly, indistinguishably , 
 going R. and laying down their handbags, gloves, 
 et cetera.) 
 
 Finlayson — What did I tell you, Ned? Just 
 now we're not even "visible." Let's see if we are! 
 {Slipping across the room he plants himself directly 
 in front of the women.) 
 
 Allen — Oh, rot! I'm going to dinner. {He 
 starts out; the women become aware of them.) 
 
 Beatrice {Airily) — Oh, hello, boys! Tad, don't 
 hang so on mother's arm. (Tad runs to Allen.) 
 
26 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Jane — ^Why, you have finished work early today, 
 haven't you! 
 
 Allen {Returninff to C. E.) — Early! 
 
 Finlayson — My w^atch is probably wrongs — every- 
 thing about me is ! In fact I don't even know if it 
 is a watch ! Is it, Jane? Anyway, it says it's seven 
 o'clock. 
 
 Jane — Heavens, it can't be! Rod, you're joking. 
 Good-evening, dear. {Kissinff him casually) 
 
 Finlayson — I was never more serious, my treas- 
 ure! 
 
 Jane — I never know whether you are in earnest 
 or not. 
 
 Finlayson — I'm trying to cultivate your sense of 
 humor; my watch is probably lying. 
 
 Allen (C.) — Well, my hunger is no lie. See here, 
 Beatrice, I'm tired of this. Late dinners three or 
 four nights a week! When it isn't a culture club, 
 it's a bridge fight. It's enough to rile any man ! 
 
 Beatrice — ''Three or four nights!" You're too 
 absurd, Ned. 
 
 Allen {Excitedly) — That's no joke! Am I right. 
 Fin? Haven't we eaten chipped beef, and dried-up 
 fish, and — and " 
 
 Finlayson — Don't ask me, I don't remember. 
 
 Allen — Well, I remember, and I'm sick of such a 
 bill-of-fare. 
 
 Finlayson — Say, Ned, you made a mistake in 
 marrying a wife. What you really intended was to 
 engage a cook ! 
 
 Allen {Turning on hi?n indignantly) — Well, 
 what did you marry for, "Beau Brummel"? 
 
 Finlayson — I married a "companion for my mid- 
 dle-age, and a nurse for my declining years." 
 
ACT I 27 
 
 Jane {Alarmed) — ^Why, Rod, dear, aren't you 
 well? {He looks at her intently.) Oh, you're 
 joking! 
 
 Finlayson {Patiently) — Yes, Jane. In time, you 
 know, I hope to have you so responsive that 
 
 Jane — Time is all so fleeting — so vaporous — 
 so 
 
 Beatrice — If you men had something to think 
 of — of course, I suppose you really do keep busy 
 during the day, Ned, but 
 
 Allen— Busy] Ye Gods! 
 
 Beatrice — In your leisure moments like these, I 
 mean. If you had something of vital importance, 
 something uplifting j to discuss with us, for instance ! 
 Now we 
 
 Tad — I'm hungry ! 
 
 Beatrice — Run away to Bong and get your soup. 
 Tad. 
 
 Tad — I want to eat my supper with my daddy. 
 
 Allen {Shortly) — Come on, Fin. {He and Tad 
 go out C. E. toward R.) 
 
 Finlayson {Helping Beatrice take off her coat) 
 — I'm not hungry. I'm doing something "vital." 
 What was the subject of the lecture today, Beatrice? 
 
 Beatrice {Solemnly) — Marriage. Thank you. 
 Rod, you're so thoughtful I 
 
 Finlayson — Hm ! As serious as that? No won- 
 der you were late ! 
 
 Jane — She has told you only half. Trial Mar- 
 riages were discussed. Oh, it is a vast, vast sub- 
 ject! Really, when I think of It 
 
 Finlayson {Helping Jane take off her coat) — 
 Why thiTik? You are all settled and done for. 
 
 Jane {Calmly, taking off her hat) — Oh, no, Rod; 
 
28 TRIAL MARRIAGE , 
 
 that's where you make a mistake! We must not 
 consider ourselves settled. That is the point Pro- 
 fessor Staticmuller made. 
 
 Beatrice — ^We must not consider ourselves settled 
 ever. "All is subject to change!" 
 
 Finlayson — Er? You mean that — er — me — or 
 Ned — or any of us, might be changed any time? 
 
 Jane — Certainly; it is a law of nature — {gran- 
 diosely) — "fluid nature." 
 
 Finlayson {With pretended ser^iousness) — And is 
 this change — er — voluntary, or are we just pitched 
 helter-skelter, "willy-nilly," as the poet saith? 
 
 Jane — Our will has much to do with it. All 
 that is in my past, for instance 
 
 Finlayson — Your pastf Jane, you have deceived 
 me! You never told me you had a past! 
 
 Jane — Don't be crazy, Rod. What the Pro- 
 fessor means is this : You draw your past and future 
 together, and, and 
 
 Finlayson — And tie them up in a hard knot? 
 
 Jane — Oh, Rod, you confuse me! And with 
 their help {slowly) you make of the present a con- 
 crete ideal. We must throw everything out of the 
 present that in any way hampers this ideal. 
 
 Finlayson — Including husbands and wives, eh? 
 
 Beatrice — That's his idea, and I thoroughly agree 
 with him. If you could see his deep-set eyes when 
 he talks about it, Rodney! I just wish you and Ned 
 could be there! 
 
 Finlayson — Christopher! I wish we could! 
 
 Jane — We are going to try and arrange a meeting 
 for the husbands. 
 
 Finlayson — We need it, poor beasts! Say, how 
 about eating? 
 
1 ACT I 29 
 
 (Edward Allen enters, C. E., a slice of bread 
 in his hand.) 
 
 Allen — See here, aren't you ever coming to din- 
 ner? 
 
 Finlayson — Our "goose is cooked," Ned; we're 
 all to be changed! 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) — It's no joke, Rod Finlay- 
 son. I believe all the Professor said. Do you sup- 
 pose if I'd had a chance at a trial marriage of six 
 months, say, with that cross old bear, that he would 
 have dared to make such a row because dinner was 
 late once in awhile? 
 
 Allen — Eh? What's got you now, Bee? 
 
 Finlayson — Be calm, old man ! She finds her 
 marriage with you a mistake. 
 
 (Allen looks from one to the other in angry he- 
 wild er^ment.) 
 
 Beatrice (Excitedly) — I'm not excited and I'm 
 not angry. I'm looking at the matter calmly and 
 sensibly, as he said we should. 
 
 Allen— Who s^idl 
 
 Beatrice — The Professor. 
 
 Allen (Choking angrily on his bread) — ^What's 
 he got on me, I'd like to know! 
 
 Jane — Not on you alone; on any man. Take 
 ourselves, for instance. We should have been per- 
 fectly free to change our minds if we found we 
 were not suited after a stated number of months. 
 It's all quite simple. 
 
 Finlayson — I see. A sort of try-out, eh? 
 
 Beatrice — You do put things in such a bald way, 
 Rod. 
 
 Finlayson — Well, the whole thing is rather bald 
 and raw, it strikes me. 
 
30 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen — Do you really believe in all that bosh, 
 Beatrice ? 
 
 Beatrice — Of course I do! It's all quite true. 
 
 Allen — ^And you think if 5^ou keep on trying, that 
 you're going to find someone who's going to stand 
 all this damned nonsense? {There are little shrieks 
 from the Women. What's the time limit your 
 blooming Professor gives you? 
 
 Jane — He thinks six months v^^ould be a fair test. 
 
 Allen — It's never too late, is it? I w^ish you'd 
 hurry on that husbands' meeting! I'd like to smash 
 his old head for him ! 
 
 Beatrice — You're just as mean as you can be ! 
 {Beginning to cry.) I don't want any dinner. Oh, 
 dear! Oh, dear! {She gathers up her wraps, and 
 handbag J and goes upstairs.) 
 
 Allen {Looking rather ashamed of himself) — 
 Well, Jane, I'm sorry; but it does make me sore. 
 
 Finlayson — Don't you want your dinner, Jane? 
 
 Jane {Casually) — Oh, no, we had a late tea! 
 Don't wait for me. {She gathers up her wraps, et 
 cetera, and goes out L.) 
 
 {The two Men gaze at each other in disgust.) 
 
 Allen — Doesn't it make you tired, all this bosh 
 those men put into the women's heads? 
 
 Finlayson — It isn't all bosh, you know; but the 
 dear souls get an exaggerated idea of these new no- 
 tions, and they'll never rest until they give us a 
 turn at being victims. 
 
 Allen — You're a queer guy. Fin. Do you mean 
 to say that you put any stock in this ? 
 
 Finlayson — There's a lot of truth in it, isn't 
 there? What did Bee know about you, for instance, 
 when she married you ? 
 
ACT I 31 
 
 Allen {Reluctantly ) — Oh — well ! 
 
 Finlayson — Same here! I can't say I knew much 
 about Jane, though. Her mother saw to that. 
 
 Allen — Well, / don't see any sense in kicking up 
 all this rumpus. Something's got to be done right 
 here and now. Bee's getting too unsettled. I never 
 can find anything — always having to buy new 
 shirts ! 
 
 Finlayson — Too bad you didn't marry a laun- 
 dress ! 
 
 Allen — Meals late three or four times a week! 
 
 Tad {Appearing C. E., a chop bone in his hand, 
 his face smeared) — Say, daddy, why don't you 
 come to dinner? 
 
 Allen — Damned if I want any dinner! Run 
 along, Tad; finish your own. 
 
 Finlayson — Say, Tad, tell Bong to bring me a 
 plate of soup in here. {He clears one end of the 
 studio table by pushing back brushes, papers, et 
 cetera.) I feel Bohemian tonight. 
 
 T^^_What's ''henian"? 
 
 Finlayson — Something a "real gentleman" never 
 is, Taddy. (Tad goes out C. E.) What do you 
 say, Ned, to giving the girls a try at their new idea? 
 
 Allen — What do you mean? 
 
 Finlayson — ^Why, if they're so stuck on having a 
 change, let's give it to them. 
 
 A lien {Bewildered) — Eh ? 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, I don't imagine they'd let us go 
 far! But a little premeditated campaign might have 
 a good effect on the dinner-hour, and your shirts 
 might not go off on such long vacations. Taddy 
 might not see quite so much of Bong. 
 
 Allen — I don't get your working idea. 
 
32 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 (Bong enters, C. E., carrying a plate of soup, 
 bread, et cetera, which Finlayson directs him to 
 place on the studio table. Exit Bong.) 
 
 Finlayson — Let's fall in with their plan. I don't 
 think they have any, so that makes it all the more 
 venturesome. {Ruminating) Suppose — suppose — 
 suppose you and I have been thinking along the 
 "trial marriage" line also — suppose we've even gone 
 so far as to be tired of the present arrangement. 
 Suppose 
 
 Allen {Angrily) — I'll suppose nothing of the 
 sort. You're crazy! 
 
 Finlayson {Sits and begins to eat his soup) — Yes, 
 I've been told that before — often! Of course this 
 will all be a huge lie, but what does one more mat- 
 ter after all we have told them ? 
 
 Allen — I tell Beatrice everything. 
 
 Finlayson— }l^\ Ha! Ha! {Chokes) 
 
 Allen — I don't see the joke. 
 
 Finlayson {Rising, still coughing) — Well, let's 
 tell them this anyway. Come, hurry up, man; 
 gather together your ideas on marriage! Haven't 
 you any? 
 
 Allen — Damned if I know! 
 
 Finlayson — ^You see? Beatrice was right, you 
 haven't anything "vital" to think about! 
 
 Allen — Oh, hang! 
 
 Finlayson — ^We'll have it all arranged by the 
 time they come back, ready to spend the evening in 
 sweet domesticity. We're willing to let them 
 change us if they're so unhappy ! You saw your- 
 self how little I, or the dinner, or anything else 
 around here mattered to Jane. They both need a 
 change to make them aware of us. {Business-like) 
 
ACT I 33 
 
 Now whom have you been thinking about for sec- 
 ond choice? 
 
 Allen (Hotly) — ^You know perfectly well I 
 haven't been thinking of any such thing ! 
 
 Finlayson — Tut, tut, man! Didn't I see you 
 and Isabel Perry collaborating over some secret this 
 very evening? There you are! Isabel's the very 
 one — thrifty, pretty, slight leaning toward art — not 
 enough to matter! Fond of children, she's the girl 
 for you. That's settled! 
 
 Allen {With sarcasm) — Where does Parker 
 come in ? 
 
 Finlayson — He can settle his own affairs. We 
 can't make arrangements for everybody! Now for 
 me — who in thunder? I like your nerve, Ned; 
 you've taken the only girl in sight! 
 
 (Beatrice is seen descending the stairs.) 
 
 Allen {Protesting) — Here's Bee! We can't 
 carry out any such fool plan. 
 
 Finlayson — Buck up! Just watch me! You fol- 
 low my lead. All you've got to do is to agree to 
 everything I say. I'll arrange all the details. 
 
 Allen {S?noking furiously) — All right; go ahead; 
 I'm game! 
 
 (Beatrice enters C. E., simultaneously with 
 Jane^ L. Beatrice wears an injured-innocent air. 
 She sits R. and embroiders. Jane is calm and 
 casual, as though nothing had happened. She picks 
 up a heavy volume from the studio table, and pre- 
 pares to settle down with it. She notices Rodney's 
 soup plate and other things.) 
 
 Jane — Why, Rod, what have you been doing? 
 
 Finlayson — Merely following m.y own inclina- 
 tions. You might call it reversion to type, I sup- 
 
34 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 pose. The only reason I eat my meals regularly In 
 the dining-room is because you are supposed to be 
 there. "Gather round the family board," that sort 
 of thing. But when you don't "gather," why, food 
 is food "where'er its home" ! Poor old Tad is do- 
 ing the "gathering" stunt all by himself tonight! 
 
 Allen — Humph! 
 
 Beatrice {RisiJig suddenly) — I must see to Tad! 
 {She goes out C. E. toward R. Jane sits and 
 reads. ) 
 
 Allen {Throwing himself full length on the 
 couch) — Jane, what did you say the Prof.'s name 
 was that talked to you today? 
 
 (FiNLAYSON gives Allen a warning look, and 
 goes back to his soup.) 
 
 Jane {Busily reading) — Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 Finlayson — You liked him, you said? 
 
 Jane — Oh, exceedingly ! He's 50 progressive; but 
 very much misunderstood. As he himself says, he's 
 I quite fifty years ahead of the times. 
 
 j Finlayson — Oh! Feels lonely, does he? 
 
 Jane — I suppose he does, poor man ! He's not 
 too advanced for me. Why, he carries me right 
 along with him! 
 
 (Beatrice appears C. E., talking off to Tad.) 
 
 Finlayson — Is that so? Hm! 
 
 Beatrice — No, Tad ; I said only one piece of pie. 
 {She enters.) Who carries you right along with 
 him, Jane? 
 
 Jane — Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 Beatrice {Enthusiastically) — He's a dear! 
 
 Allen {Puffing furiously at his cigar) — Give us 
 some of his dope. 
 
 (Finlayson sends him another warning look. 
 
ACT I 35 
 
 Both Women begin to talk at once, in fragments. 
 Finally one hears:) 
 
 Beatrice — It Isn't what he says so much, as the 
 way he says it — and 
 
 Jane — This is one of his books. He 
 
 Beatrice — He has the most adorable accent that 
 ever 
 
 Jane — If you would only take time to read this, 
 Rod, it would give you something to think about. 
 
 Finlayson — Something 'Vital," eh? It looks solid. 
 
 Beatrice — Jane reads him, but I am contented 
 simply to listen to him. I put my mind into his 
 hands, as it were. 
 
 Allen — Humph ! 
 
 Beatrice — Eh ? 
 
 Allen {Sputtering) — Oh, nothing! 
 
 Jane — He does his own publishing. Naturally no 
 publisher can be found who is progressive enough to 
 have faith in his material. 
 
 Finlayson — That's where the publishers make a 
 grand mistake. They're all too conservative — a lot 
 of old grannies! 
 
 Jane (Pleased) — ^Why, Rod, how nice of you! 
 
 Beatrice — I didn't know you ever thought of such 
 things. 
 
 Finlayson — On the contrary my mind is teeming 
 with the new thought of the century. 
 
 Jane— Why, Rod ! 
 
 Finlayson — I tell you, girls, it needed only this 
 evening's incidents to bring to a flame the smolder- 
 ing furnace within me! 
 
 Jane — What are you talking about? 
 
 Beatrice {Enthusiastically) — I have always felt 
 you had something in you. Rod. 
 
36 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson — I have ! I have ! And Ned and I 
 have been talking things over, haven't we, Ned? 
 
 Allen — Um-hm. 
 
 Beatrice and Jane — What things? 
 
 Finlayson — I don't believe much in coincidences; 
 I believe more in the projection of thought. I think 
 it must be that, don't you, Ned? 
 
 Allen — Yes — I — I — think it's that. 
 
 {The two women are all curiosity.) 
 
 Finlayson — It's immaterial whether you put the 
 thought into our minds or we put it into yours — 
 just the same, we've been thinking along the same 
 lines all unknown to each other. 
 
 Beatrice {Breathlessly) — What lines? 
 
 Jane — Rod, you're so slow! 
 
 Finlayson — This trial marriage stunt. » 
 
 Beatrice — ^Well, what do you know about it? 
 
 Finlayson — Not much, I must confess; yet deep- 
 rooted here in my chest are convictions which your 
 arguments tonight have clinched. Ned and I 
 
 Beatrice — I don't believe Ned has any deep con- 
 victions in his chest ; have you, Ned ? 
 
 Allen — ^You bet I have! 
 
 Finlayson — You see, it was a rather delicate mat- 
 ter to broach. I suppose Ned and I have still re- 
 maining in us a few of the traditional ideas of the 
 old-fashioned male. We^ 
 
 Jane — Really, Rodney, are you sure you had only 
 soup for dinner? 
 
 Finlayson — Quite sure, my dear Jane; and I 
 haven't finished that yet. To come to the point, for 
 you are evidently as weary of my preface as you are 
 of me — Ned and I are — er — in fact, we are willing 
 
ACT I 37 
 
 to be changed. We were only waiting for you to 
 say so. 
 
 Beatrice and Jane — Changed? 
 
 Allen {Begimiing to enjoy the situation) — ^Yes, 
 anxiously waiting, we might say. 
 
 Finlayson — Your friend Staticmuller — er, pardon 
 me, that sounds rather off-hand — Professor Static- 
 muller — has convinced you of certain things by his 
 experience of life fifty years hence. Now we needed 
 only your confirmation of our thoughts. {Hammer- 
 ing his chest) It takes courage to be the pioneers 
 of any new movement. We are willing to throw 
 ourselves into this for the benefit of posterity. 
 
 Beatrice — What? 
 
 Jane — What are you going to do ? 
 
 Finlayson {Enjoying himself hugely) — We are 
 willing to throw off the yoke of convention. We 
 had no chance w^hen we were younger. We ran our 
 heads blindly into the noose and thought we must 
 stay tied all our days. Now comes the prophet 
 Staticmuller offering us light along the new way. 
 What if we didn't try it at first? Is it too late 
 now? No, I say — a thousand times, no! 
 
 Allen {Making a noble effort to help) — I read 
 somewhere the other day, ''It's never too late to 
 mend." 
 
 Beati'ice — Oh, pooh! 
 
 Jane {Solemnly) — Beatrice, this is serious. I 
 feel that we are on the eve of a great upheaval in 
 our lives. 
 
 Finlayson — Serious? Well, I should think! You 
 have been the injured victims of circumstances. 
 Blindness and ignorance landed you in our un- 
 
38 TRIAJL MARRIAGE 
 
 worthy arms. Now we declare you free, to choose 
 whom and where you like, leaving us the same 
 privilege. 
 
 Jane ( Gasping) — Rod — I — I ! 
 
 Beatrice — Ned! Are you in this? 
 
 Allen — Um-hm. 
 
 Finlayson — This makes it all very easy for Ned. 
 He really has cut the path clear for all of us. Brave 
 old Ned! You wouldn't think it, would you? 
 
 Beatrice {Still all fluffy assurance) — Ned, what 
 have you been doing? 
 
 Allen {Sitting up. With a valiant effort he out- 
 does Finlayson.) — Oh, nothing much! Merely 
 choosing your successor. 
 
 Beatrice {Gasps, and sits down in the nearest 
 chair) — What ? 
 
 (Jane drops her book with a thud.) 
 
 Finlayson {Going to Allen^ patting him on the 
 back) — Good old Ned! You've got that off your 
 chest. It will be so much easier now. It makes it 
 so much easier for me ! 
 
 Beatrice — What ? — What ? 
 
 (Jane stands transfixed, gazing at Finlayson 
 with growing suspicion.) 
 
 Allen — That's what I said. 
 
 Finlayson — While scientists and Staticmullers 
 have been filling books with these things, Ned and I 
 have been getting ready to live them. 
 
 Jane {Stately and serious) — It's strange you have 
 never given any indication before of thinking these 
 things. 
 
 Beatrice {Excitedly) — I insist upon knowing 
 what you mean right away ! Immediately, I say ! 
 
 Finlayson — Ned, are you ready for me to an- 
 
ACT I 39 
 
 nounce, here and now, the name of the one whom 
 you feel destiny meant for you? 
 
 Allen — Go ahead! I'm sure a person fifty years 
 hence wouldn't mind, and I don't think Isabel will. 
 
 Beatrice — Isabel ! 
 
 Jane — Isabel! {They gaze at each other in con- 
 sternation.^ 
 
 Finlayson — Yes. Acting on the impulse of that 
 projected thought, Ned confided her name to me 
 only one short half-hour ago. 
 
 Beatrice {Excitedly) — Ned, this is a very poor 
 joke. 
 
 Allen {Solemnly) — Beatrice, forgive me! I wish 
 it was a joke! 
 
 The Women — Isabel ! — Isabel ! 
 
 Allen — That's what I said. 
 
 Beatrice {Gradually becoming hysterical) — So 
 this is what comes of allowing Isabel Perry to come 
 here day after day, pretending to take painting les- 
 sons, staying late every afternoon so she could see 
 Ned when he came home, and — and 
 
 Jane — Beatrice, restrain yourself. Don't you 
 know that you will gain nothing by all this excite- 
 ment? 
 
 Beatrice — I guess you'd be excited too. I de- 
 mand to know, Ned Allen, how long this affair has 
 been going on? Rodney, you have been here; I 
 insist upon knowing all you know about it! 
 
 Finlayson — You must not ask me to betray Ned's 
 confidence. He may tell you himself. Brace up, 
 old man. 
 
 Allen {Haltingly) — You see — all this would 
 never have happened, if we had known about this 
 scheme earlier. Instead of eight years — you and I 
 
40 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 would have had our six months — and that would 
 have been the end of It. 
 
 Beatrice {In tears) — End of what? 
 
 Jane — Be calm, dear ; be calm ! 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, be calm! I have a surprise in 
 store for you. (She pays no attention to him.) 
 
 Beatrice — Calm ! I won't be calm ! I demand 
 to know what end he's talking about! I'll show 
 Isabel Perry, and you, too, Ned Allen ! How can 
 you sit there and smoke, and tell me such things, 
 and your innocent child in there eating apple-pie 
 and 
 
 Allen — It is hard, but I understood that Static- 
 muUer had prepared your mind for any contingency 
 that might arise any time this side of fifty years. 
 
 (Beatrice continues to gasp and sputter.) 
 
 Jane — Oh, he never comes down to personalities! 
 He is so broad and general ! 
 
 Finlayson — I see. Then we are ahead of him. 
 We are dealing in personalities. His theories are 
 striking us right where we live. 
 
 Beatrice — I'm going right now to talk to that 
 hussy, that designing little minx! I'll talk to her 
 mother about her; she ought to know. Coming 
 here pretending she's engaged to a perfectly good 
 young man — and, and all the time she's^ 
 
 Jane {Restraining her) — Beatrice, wait! Think 
 what a shock it will be to Mrs. Perry. Be calm. 
 It will do no harm to wait till tomorrow. 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, wait till tomorrow, Beatrice. 
 Meanwhile 
 
 Beatrice — I'm going now ! 
 
 Allen {Yawning) — Oh, wait till morning, Bee! 
 It's getting late. 
 
ACT I 41 
 
 Beatrice — Late ! 
 
 Jane — We must talk this thing out. You won't 
 gain anything by too much haste. 
 
 Finlayson — No; what are a few hours? You have 
 already waited eight years ! 
 
 Allen — Take until tomorrow to think it over, 
 Bee. Besides, Rod has something to say for him- 
 self. Spit it out ! We were going to stand by each 
 other, you know. 
 
 Jane — Rodney? Why, he never sees anyone — 
 he 
 
 Finlayson — Ah, how little you have understood 
 me! 
 
 Beatrice {Breaking away from Jane) — Fm go- 
 ing! 
 
 Jane — Be calm, dear. Rod, what are you say- 
 ing? 
 
 Finlayson — Beatrice, stay. You are in this. 
 
 Beatrice — ^Yes, I am in this ! Let me go, Jane. 
 
 Finlayson {Impressively) — Beatrice, I expect no 
 response from you now; I ask none. Silently I 
 have lived in your house, have watched you, com- 
 ing and going, never giving me a thought 
 
 Beatrice {Beginning to suspect his meaning, and 
 growing quiet through curiosity) — Why, Rod, I 
 think of you a great deal. You are only delaying 
 me now, I must go ! 
 
 Finlayson {Rapidly) — Haven't you guessed? 
 Can't you grasp my meaning? Don't you know 
 that you — dont look at me like that, Jane! Yes, 
 
 Beatrice, I feel that you, that you alone {He 
 
 turns away as though choked with emotion.) 
 
 Jane {Gasping, releases Beatrice) — Rodney! 
 
 Allen {Gazing at Beatrice) — Great Scott! 
 
42 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice {With siffns of pleased amazement) — 
 Why, Rodney! Impossible! 
 
 Finlayson {With shaking voice) — Why "impos- 
 sible"? As Jane says, I have seen no one. Day 
 after day I slave here in this corner, seeing no one, 
 
 except Tad and Isabel; caring for no one 
 
 {With a comprehensive gesture) Now you all 
 know why! {Hammering his chest) Oh, what a 
 relief to be free at last! To be relieved of this 
 secret burden ! Heaven be praised for StaticmuUer 
 and his wonderful creed! 
 
 {During this speech Jane has drawn away from 
 Beatrice, gradually becoming rigid.) 
 
 Jane — Rodney! 
 
 Beatrice {Slightly triumphant, glances toward 
 Allen furtively, and consciously pleased, toward 
 Finlayson) — Why, Rodney — I never dreamed! 
 I never suspected the faintest — I don't know what 
 to say! 
 
 Finlayson {Waxing enthuiastic over his success) 
 — I appreciate your feelings. I myself never knew 
 before what to say. A new-born courage has come 
 to me. I feel like a man delivered from the bond- 
 age of a — of a 
 
 Allen {Shortly) — See here. Fin, aren't you rather 
 overdoing this? 
 
 Finlayson {Surprised) — It is something when 
 once found cannot be overdone. 
 
 Jane {Approaching Allen) — So this — so this is 
 what I am indebted to you for ! To you, who 
 neglect your wife, and leave her to wander aim- 
 lessly from club to club — from 
 
 Beatrice {Indignantly) — Aimlessly? No such 
 thing! I have always had a distinct purpose. You 
 
ACT I 43 
 
 know perfectly well that you are the one who is 
 aimless, disagreeing with this one and that one — 
 while I 
 
 Jane — Yes, you! You believe everything they 
 tell you, and half the time it is because you don't 
 know what they're saying, you're so busy raving 
 over their eyes or their hair — or — or 
 
 Beatrice — ^You just take that back, Jane Finlay- 
 son ! Take it back, I say ! 
 
 Finlayson {Aside to Allen) — We've got some- 
 thing started, all right. 
 
 Allen {Drawing himself up, turns away, to FiN- 
 layson's amazement) — I say, Bee 
 
 Beatrice {Haughtily) — I think the less I hear 
 from you, the better! 
 
 Allen — Look here, this has gone far enough. 
 I 
 
 Jane — I should say it had ; but one would scarcely 
 expect you to be the one to say so ! 
 
 (Tad runs in C. E. He looks from one to the 
 other. All except Finlayson are much excited 
 and talking loudly.) 
 
 Allen — I haven't talked half enough. I have a 
 whole lot to say. Fm going to lay down some new 
 rules for this household. Just let me 
 
 Beatrice — Oh, indeed? Who has made you lord 
 of the house? Do you hear that, Jane? 
 
 Jane — Yes, I hear. Well, it's time something 
 was done. 
 
 Allen — I seem to be the only sane one in the 
 bunch. Fm sick of all this tom-foolery ! 
 
 (All stop, and gasp for breath.) 
 
 Tad {To Finlayson) — Now I don't know 
 whether you or Daddy is a gemplum ! 
 
 ill' 
 
44 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson — Poor old Tad ! It h a poser! 
 
 Beatrice — Shuh! We are just wasting time. 
 Taddy, run and get me my hat and coat from ofi 
 my bed. 
 
 Tad — Oh, mama! Don't go out again! 
 
 Beatrice — Hush ! Do as I say. 
 
 (Tad ffoes out C. E. and upstairs, snifflinff.) 
 
 Jane — Beatrice, you haven't had your dinner — 
 you- 
 
 Beatrice {Scornfully) — Dinner! Nothing shall 
 stop me ! 
 
 Finlayson {Going to her) — Have you no heart? 
 
 Beatrice — I'll talk with you later. I know where 
 my duty lies now. {Going to the stair foot.) 
 Taddy! Hurry! 
 
 (Tad appears reluctantly on the stairs, comes 
 down, carrying the hat and coat. Beatrice goes 
 hurriedly to the mirror and puts them on. Tad 
 tries to help her with the coat. Finlayson has 
 an impulse to prevent her going, then ref?'ains.) 
 
 Tad {In a loud whisper) — Mama, are you going 
 after the letter? 
 
 Beatrice — What letter ? 
 
 Tad — The one Papa gave Isabel. He said ft 
 was a secret. 
 
 Beatrice {With an awful look at Allen) — ^Yes, 
 Tad, / am! 
 
 (Beatrice hurries out C. E. Tad runs after 
 her, setting up a howl. Allen picks him up in 
 his arms, starts out, then returns with a distracted 
 look.) 
 
 Finlayson — Of course, Jane, you must take your 
 own time. I — er 
 
 (Jane turns on him a look of freezing dignity. 
 
ACT I 45 
 
 takes up her heavy volume and goes out L. Fin- 
 LAYSON tu?-ns to Allen and begins to laugh silent- 
 ly. Allen does not respond. Finlayson chokes 
 between laughs.) 
 
 Finlayson — They came to it better than I thought 
 they would. Ha! Ha! Ha! How about It, Ned? 
 Will you go after Beatrice? She'll probably take 
 a taxi. Parker and Isabel are strolling home in 
 the moonlight, so Bee will arrive first, and be cool- 
 ing her heels on the doorstep, waiting for them. 
 
 Allen {With Tad in his arms, gazes indignantly 
 at Finlayson. He goes toward C. E.) — I should 
 imagine you were the one to go after her! {He 
 goes upstairs, a much injured man.) 
 
 Finlayson {Pauses a moment in bewildered as- 
 tonishment) — Ha! Ha! Ha! {Going to the studio 
 table he surveys his cold soup, then yells) Bong! 
 Oh, Bong! {At C. E.) Bong! Bring me some 
 hot soup. {He continues to laugh.) 
 
 (Bong appears C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson — Hot soup, Bong; all cold. 
 
 (Bong goes out, Finlayson ruminates, takes up 
 the telephone directory, searches for a name. Bong 
 returns with the soup.) 
 
 Say, Bong, you know where Miss Perry lives? 
 
 Bong—^ho Miss Pelly? 
 
 Finlayson — ^Young lady — Isabel — Miss Perry. 
 {Indicating the typewriter) 
 
 Bong — O — — oh! Miss Pelly. I no know 
 where lib. 
 
 Finlayson — Hm! No, of course not. {Search- 
 ing in the directory) Perry — Perry — Charles, 
 Daniel, Henry — I — here we are — Isabel! Great 
 girl, to have it in her own name! All right, Bong, 
 
46 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 never mind. {He begins rapidly to eat his soup.) 
 Phew! This is hot! 
 
 (Bong goes out C. E. Allen enters C. E. He 
 goes furiously to the table R., takes a cigar out of a 
 box on the table, lights it, puts on his overcoat from 
 the hall-stand, and takes his hat.) 
 
 Finlayson {Cheerfully) — Going out? 
 
 Allen — No! Fm going to bed! 
 
 {He goes out C. E. to left. The front door is 
 heard to slam.) 
 
 Finlayson — Phew! {He finished his soup, rises 
 leisurely, starts toward the hall-stand, then remem- 
 bers something he wants in his room, and goes 
 quickly L. He meets Jane entering L. Finlay- 
 son bows low; she passes him haughtily. He goes 
 out L.) 
 
 Jane {Goes to the couch and seats herself with 
 ?nuch dignity. She notices Tad's package, picks it 
 up, opens it, and discovers a lot of old rags with a 
 paper pinned to them. She reads) — ''April Fools'!" 
 {A light breaks over her face.) "April Fools'!" 
 {She begins to laugh quietly. She sees Finlayson 's 
 plot. An idea comes to her. She looks about, then 
 picks up the book she has been carrying. She looks 
 on the fly-leaf.) Henrik Staticmuller ! {She goes 
 to the telephone directory, looks up an address, takes 
 up the ^ phone and calls quietly:) Hello! — Walnut 
 6578 please. Yes, Walnut. — Is this Walnut 6578? 
 Professor Staticmuller? — Oh, Professor, this is 
 Mrs. Finlayson — {Very softly and distinctly, as she 
 is afraid of being heard) Mrs. Fin-lay-son. Yes, 
 that's right. Could I see you a few minutes this 
 evening? — Oh, no! {Embarrassed) If you could 
 come to the house of a friend of mine, a friend. 
 
ACT I 47 
 
 yes! — She has an idea — Oh, no! An idea, I said, 
 not my dear. — My friend has an idea that will work 
 well into one of your lectures. — Yes. — Oh, yes, she's 
 much interested in the meeting for husbands. Yes. — 
 Can you be there in about half an hour? — Oh, 
 thank 5^ou, I couldn't think of troubling you ! I'll 
 meet you there. Her number is 916 Washington 
 Street. — Miss Perry, P-e-r-r-y. — Yes. — I'm just 
 leaving in a moment. Good-by. {She hangs up the 
 ^phone, returns to the couch and pretends to read. 
 She looks impatiently toward L.) 
 
 (FiNLAYSON enters L. He wears his overcoat. 
 Jane glances up coldly, but continues reading. Fin- 
 la yson jauntily lights his pipe beside the studio 
 table. He takes his hat from the hall-stand, whist- 
 ling cheerfully.) 
 
 Finlayson — I'm going out a little while, Jane. 
 
 Jane — Yes? Very well. {She gives a huge 
 sigh.) 
 
 Finlayson — Eh ? 
 
 Jane — I'm thinking of poor, dear little Mrs. 
 Perry. She's not strong, you know. A shock like 
 that might be very bad for her. 
 
 Finlayson — Great Scott! I forgot all about her. 
 {He goes out hastily, C. E. to left.) 
 
 (Jane laughs, and goes out L. Bong enters, 
 C. E. He looks about. Jane reenters, hastily put- 
 ting on her hat and coat.) 
 
 Jane — Turn down the lights, Bong; we're all 
 out for awhile. {She stands for a moment at the 
 foot of the stairs, and listens.) Poor little kiddie! 
 {She goes out C. E. to left.) 
 
 (Bong turns off the living-room lights. Loud 
 cries are heard from Tad upstairs.) 
 
48 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Tad {Running downstairs, clad in pajamas, cry- 
 ing ) — Mommer-r-r ! Popper-r-r-r ! 
 
 Bong — Shuh ! — Shuh ! — Shuh !— Aplil Fools' ! 
 Aplil Fools'! {He takes Tad's hand.) You likee 
 pie? Huh? You likee pie? — Aplil Fools'! 
 
 {He leads Tad off C. E. toward R, Tad is 
 howling as the Curtain falls.) 
 
ACT II 
 
 Scene: Mrs. Perry's sitting-j-oom. The en- 
 trances ate at center and right. The room is 
 simply but cosily furnished. On the walls are 
 a number of paintings and sketches, both 
 framed and unframcd. Mrs. Perry is dis- 
 covered sitting beside the table lamp, busily 
 tatting. She is elderly, quiet, and sweet-look- 
 ing. She glances at the clock. It strikes eight. 
 She murmurs to herself, counting: ''One — ■ 
 tku'o — three — four — five — loop, one — tw o — f 
 
 three "' The door-bell rings, Mrs Perry 
 
 answers. 
 (Beatrice Allen enters C. E., excitedly, hur- 
 riedly, followed by Mrs. Perry.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Good-evening. What do you wish, 
 please? 
 
 Beatrice — Is this Mrs. Perry? Yes, I thought so. 
 Mrs. Perry — Yes, I am Mrs. Perry. Do you 
 wish to see my daughter? 
 
 Beatrice — Yes, Mrs. Periy, I do wish to see your 
 daughter, but first I would like to talk with you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Sweetly polite, but a trifle haughty) 
 — I don't know you, do I ? 
 
 Beatrice — I beg your pardon ; I am Mrs. Allen, 
 Mrs. Edward Allen, you know. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Oh, Mrs. Allen! Do sit down. 
 49 
 
50 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Of course I have heard of you often. Isabel is so 
 fond of your dear little boy. 
 
 Beatrice (Shortly) — Yes, I believe so. (She 
 sits. ) 
 
 M?'s. Perry {Sits down in her forjner chair j and 
 resumes her tatting) — Mr. Allen has been so kind 
 to my Isabel. He and Mr. Finlayson 
 
 Beatrice — Yes, I have heard of that too. In fact, 
 it is just that I have come about. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I don't understand you, Mrs. Allen. 
 Suppose we w^ait until Isabel comes, then we can 
 talk it over. Do you tat? 
 
 Beatrice — I wish to have a private talk with you 
 before your daughter comes. Is she often as late 
 as this. 
 
 Mrs. Pei'ry — Yes, quite often. One — two — 
 three — four — five — loop. One — two — three — four 
 — five 
 
 Beatrice — So I have heard. She seems to be a 
 very industrious girl! 
 
 Mi's. Perry — There's no one like my Isabel. She 
 works faithfully at whatever she undertakes. 
 
 Beatrice {Sneeringly) — Even if it makes her late 
 for dinner, eh? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Yes; but I always keep her dinner 
 nice and hot for her in the fireless cooker. 
 
 Beatrice {Walking about) — Mrs. Perry, I have 
 come here for your daughter's own good; to tell 
 you things you ought to hear. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Nervously) — I wish Isabel would 
 come! {Trying to be entertaining) Have you 
 seen those nice, little crash face towels? I am 
 making this tatting for one of them. 
 
ACT II 51 
 
 Beatrice {Nonplussed) — Yes, I have seen them. 
 I have made dozens of them. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — They are so handy. I am making 
 a set for Isabel. One — two — three — four — five — 
 loop. One — two 
 
 Beatrice — Mrs. Perry, you ought to know what 
 your daughter's practices are. (Mrs. Perry is 
 startled.) I hate to startle you, but what am I to 
 do? Your Isabel has been coming day after day to 
 study art — oh, yes, art! {She glances at the paint- 
 ings on the walls.) Art, mind you, with Rodney 
 Finlayson ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {With pride) — Yes, that's true. 
 
 Beatrice — Well, how has she been spending that 
 time? I want you to know! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Bewildered) — My dear! I don't 
 know. I wish you would wait till Isabel comes. 
 She could tell you what you want to know, I am 
 sure. Is it about your little boy you wish to speak? 
 I know you wish her to look out for him a little 
 when you are away from home. 
 
 Beatrice {Impatiently) — No, no! Though heaven 
 knows what perfidy that child has heard! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — One — two — three — four — five — 
 loop. One — two — three 
 
 Beatrice — You say your daughter is often late? 
 Well, she stays to see my husband, Mrs. Perry — 
 yes, my husband! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Becomes very dignified, and drops 
 her tatting in her lap) — Your husband! Explain 
 yourself, Mrs. Allen. 
 
 Beati-ice — All these afternoons when she has been 
 "quite late," as you say, she has loitered around the 
 
52 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 studio under pretense of painting, or looking after 
 Tad, or copying letters for Rod Finlayson, and all 
 the time it was my husband she was waiting for! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Mrs. Allen! {Rising solemnly) 
 You are a wicked woman. {There is a sound of 
 some one entering the hall.) I hear my daughter 
 coming. {Going C. E.) Isabel — Isabel, come in, 
 dear. We have a visitor. 
 
 (Isabel and Parker enter C. E.) 
 
 Isabel — Why, Mrs. Allen ! What an unexpected 
 pleasure! {She offers her hand, which Mrs. Perry 
 intercepts by stepping up and kissing Isabel.) Have 
 you met Mr. Parker? Mrs. Allen — Mr. Parker. 
 {They bow.) 
 
 Parker — How are you, Mrs. Perry? {They 
 shake hands while Beatrice and Isabel eye each 
 other. Parker places his hat and overcoat aside.) 
 
 Isabel — Mother has so often heard me speak of 
 you, Mrs. Allen. 
 
 Beatrice {Excitedly) — No doubt! It is time now 
 
 U! 
 
 to speak oi yo 
 
 Isabel — Mrs. Allen! What has happened? {She 
 is taking off her jacket; it catches somezuhere.) Syd, 
 please help me with this. {As he helps her, the note 
 which Allen has given her falls out of the pocket. 
 She snatches at it; Parker picks it up. Isabel is 
 confused.) That's — er — oh, give it to me, Syd! 
 
 Beatrice {Quickly) — Kindly allow me to glance 
 at that envelope, Mr. Parker. (Isabel demurs in- 
 voluntarily.) Oh, you needn't be afraid. Miss 
 Perry, I'm not going to open it! {She looks at the 
 envelope in Parker's hand.) I thought so! My 
 husband's handwriting, Mr. Parker. 
 
 Parker — I must confess I don't understand what 
 
ACT II 53 
 
 this is all about. Will one of you kindly explain? 
 
 {He ffives Isabel the letter , which she places, in 
 diffnified silence, in her jacket pocket, hastily re- 
 moves her hat, and places both on a chair.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Yes, please be good enough, Mrs. 
 Allen. You began telling me something I cannot 
 believe. 
 
 Beatrice — Oh, no, nobody ever believes these 
 things! Yet the newspapers are full of them! I 
 never thought they would happen to me, though; 
 oh, I never, never did! {Becoming hysterical) 
 How can you stand there, Isabel Perry, and look 
 me in the face? 
 
 Isabel {Amazed) — Mrs. Allen! What do you 
 mean ? Sydney ! 
 
 (Parker tries to break in; he is worried about 
 the note, but Beatrice continues.) 
 
 Beatrice — This is what we women get for im- 
 proving ourselves, and trying to make something of 
 our lives. You — sweet, simple, little 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Taking Isabel's hand)— Mrs. Al- 
 len, I forbid you to address my daughter in that 
 tone. Kindly carry on your conversation with me. 
 
 Isabel — Mama, dear, I am quite able to talk. 
 
 Beatrice — What I have to say concerns all of you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I am waiting for you to tell me 
 why you have come here to insult my daughter. 
 
 Isabel — Mother dear! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Yes, insult. Oh, you don't know, 
 mv dear, what she has been saying! Well, Mrs. 
 Allen? 
 
 Beatrice — I suppose you don't know. Miss Perry, 
 that I am quite aware of your coming home late 
 every evening — of your pretense of art — of your, 
 
54 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 well, just ask Mr. Finlayson what he thinks about 
 it — or ask Mr. Allen — yes, just ask my husband! 
 
 Isabel — I don't know what you mean. Did I 
 neglect Tad? Has anything happened to him? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Hush, my dear; let me speak. Kind- 
 ly make your story short, Mrs. Allen. I am wait- 
 ing. 
 
 Beatrice — My husband has had the effrontery 
 this very evening to confess, no, not to confess, to 
 brazenly proclaim, that you, you, Isabel Perry, are 
 his choice for my successor ! 
 
 Isabel {Gasping) — Mrs. Allen! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Oh! Why {Turninff indig- 
 nantly to Parker) How dare you allow this 
 woman to remain in the same room with Isabel? 
 (Mrs. Perry begins to grow weak from agitation.) 
 
 Isabel — Mother, Syd can do nothing. Let me 
 manage this — this crazy woman. (Parker looks 
 at her queerly.) What is the matter, Sydney? 
 
 Parker — Isabel, this is certainly very strange. You 
 are keeping something from me. 
 
 Isabel — Sydney ! 
 
 Parker — All the way home you have treated me 
 queerly. 
 
 Isabel — Why, Syd, surely you are mistaken 1 
 (Mrs. Perry clutches her arm, and sways a little.) 
 Mother, you are tired. You must come and lie 
 down. {Guiding her to the door, R., Mrs. Perry 
 protesting.) Perhaps Mrs. Allen and Mr. Parker 
 can find a congenial topic of conversation until I 
 return! {She delivers this sentence with mild sar- 
 casm, and goes out with Mrs. Perry R.) 
 
 Beatrice {Laughing wildly) — No doubt we can! 
 
ACT II 55 
 
 Parker — This knocks me all out, Mrs. Allen. I 
 don't know what to do or say. 
 
 Beatrice — You may be thankful that you are not 
 married to Isabel. Look at me — tied up irrevoca- 
 bly! 
 
 Parker — I cannot believe it — ^yet — when I think 
 of her strange actions this evening, that letter, and 
 little Tad's warning about a secret ! 
 
 Beatrice — ^Ah, yes, that secret! They evidently 
 have a secret understanding. 
 
 Parker — It certainly looks like it. 
 
 Beatrice — Tell me just what happened. Were 
 you at the house? Were they together? 
 
 Parker {Solemnly) — Yes. 
 
 Beatrice — Alone ? 
 
 Parker — Your little Tad was there. 
 
 Beatrice — My innocent lamb ! Where was Rod 
 Finlayson ? 
 
 Parker — I don't know. There was no sign of 
 him around. 
 
 Beatrice — Well ? Go on ! Go on ! Did you 
 notice anything unusual? 
 
 Parker — Well, I must say that both your husband 
 and Isabel seemed decidedly confused. My appear- 
 ance on the scene evidently interrupted something. 
 
 Beatrice — And the letter — the letter! What 
 about that? 
 
 Parker — I didn't attach any importance to the 
 letter until she dropped it; but the glances they ex- 
 changed when they bade each other good-by were 
 enough to 
 
 Beatrice — ^Yes! And Taddy, he knew about the 
 letter — he told me about it. 
 
56 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Parker — And he warned me not to ask about the 
 secret ! 
 
 Beatrice — It's all as plain as day! Oh — oh — oh! 
 
 (Isabel enters R. She stands looking at them.) 
 
 Isabel— WelU 
 
 Beatrice — We were just wondering "well," also! 
 
 Isabel — Sydney! Surely you cannot believe any 
 of this. 
 
 Parker — Well, Isabel, you know It is very strange 
 that you have not allowed me to announce our en- 
 gagement. Then tonight it was plain to be seen 
 that you and Mr. Allen had an understanding of 
 some sort. Even little Tad 
 
 Beatrice (Triumphantly) — ^Yes, deny that, if 
 you can ! Children speak the truth ! 
 
 Isabel — It is an old saying, yes, but you have left 
 out part of it. (Sarcastically) Children repeat 
 what they see without understanding; fools do the 
 same. 
 
 Beatrice — So I am a fool, am I ? I am beginning 
 to think I am! Oh, how could I have been so 
 dense ! No wonder Ned has been getting home be- 
 fore me evening after evening, pretending I was 
 late, and kicking up all sorts of a row, when all 
 the time he was the one that was too early. Mr. 
 Parker, what time was it when you arrived there? 
 
 Parker — I really don't know. About six-thirty, 
 I think. 
 
 Isabel (With a pointed look at Beatrice) — It 
 was nearer seven. 
 
 Parker — Mr. Allen had evidently been home 
 some time, and was enjoying himself hugely as far 
 as I could see. 
 
 Isabel (Much hurt) — Very well, Sydney, if you 
 
ACT II 57 
 
 believe these things so easily, continue to believe 
 them. Meanw^hile I'll bid you both good-evening. 
 Perhaps Mrs. Allen vuill enlighten you as to all the 
 particulars on the way home; I am not conversant 
 w^ith them. Good-evening! 
 
 {She starts out toward R. The doorbell rings, 
 she answers, and ushers in Rodney Finlayson. 
 He is slightly out of breath, but debonair, as 
 usual. ) 
 
 Isabel {As they enter) — Mr. Finlayson! 
 
 Beatrice — Rodney ! 
 
 (Parker looks his surprise.) 
 
 Finlayson — I am sure you are surprised at this 
 unexpected call, Miss Perry, but I am a little bit 
 of a "henian," as Tad says, and 
 
 Isabel— ''ntmTinr 
 
 Finlayson — "Bohemian," is my pronunciation. 
 Tad prefers the other. Hello, Bee, are you here? 
 What a charming surprise ! And Parker too ! This 
 is great. {He takes off his overcoat and lays it non- 
 chalantly aside with his hat.) 
 
 Isabel — Was there something you wanted me to 
 do for you? 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, no, no! Merely a social visit. 
 I am a sociable being, as, no doubt you know. 
 
 Isabel {Murmurs, not knowing what to do) — 
 You are always very kind. 
 
 Finlayson — Your mother is well, I hope. 
 
 Isabel — Not very well this evening. {Glancing 
 at the others) 
 
 Finlayson — It was really solicitude for her that 
 brought me. I was out, taking a little run around, 
 so I dropped in to inquire. I suppose that is what 
 Mrs. Allen came for, eh, Bee? 
 
58 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice {Self-consciously) — You are too absurd, 
 Rodney. You know why I came. 
 
 Isabel — Mrs. Allen ! Surely you 
 
 Beatrice — I have accomplished my errand, and 
 now if Mr. Parker will kindly call a taxi for me I 
 shall not burden you with my society any longer. 
 {She turns to Parker who assists her with her 
 coat; she talking volubly.) 
 
 Isabel — I have already said good-evening to you 
 both. 
 
 Finlayson {In a quick aside to Isabel) — Brace 
 up! It's all a hoax. I started it. There's nothing 
 to it. 
 
 Isabel — You — what ? 
 
 Finlayson — ^What day of the month is this? 
 
 Isabel — The first of — oh, April Fools'! 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, I started Bee off ; didn't think it 
 would go so far. Shuh ! It will be all right. 
 Sense of humor, you know ; sense of humor ! 
 
 (Isabel, though still hurt at Parker, follows 
 Finlayson's lead.) 
 
 Beatrice {C. E.) — Good-evening. 
 
 Parker {C. E.) — Good-evening. 
 
 Isabel — Shall I see you later, Sydney? 
 
 Parker {Stiffly) — I believe you dismissed me 
 some time ago. 
 
 Finlayson {Gaily) — By the way, I wonder what 
 has become of Ned! He left home quite a while 
 before I did, with one of his facetious remarks. He's 
 always so apropos, is old Ned! I got an idea he 
 was coming here. 
 
 Beatrice — No doubt he was. Shall we go, Mr. 
 Parker? {They go out C.E.) 
 
ACT II 59 
 
 {There is a rtnff at the doorbell. Isabel starts 
 toward C. E. Parker has reached the house door, 
 and opens it. Edward Allen enters. He is in a 
 towering rage. His voice is heard from the hall, 
 before he appears.) 
 
 Allen — Oh, there you are, Mrs. Allen ! I have 
 come to take you home. 
 
 Beatrice (Shrilly, in the hall) — Have you In- 
 deed? Well, you might have spared yourself the 
 trouble. 
 
 Isabel {Looking out into the hall) — Oh, please, 
 please ! 
 
 (Allen, Beatrice and Parker appear C. E.) 
 
 Parker {Haughtily) — I am about to escort Mrs. 
 Allen home. 
 
 Allen — Who are 5^ou, I should like to know, that 
 you should escort my wife home? 
 
 Parker — Who are you, I should like to know, 
 that 
 
 Finlayson {Holding up his hand, drawling) — 
 Shuh — shuh! Come in, all of you. If you must 
 fight it out, at least remember that you are ladies 
 and gentlemen, and fight in the drawing-room where 
 there is more floor space ! 
 
 ( They reluctantly enter, glowering at each other. 
 Curiosity brings Beatrice.) 
 
 Allen {To Finlayson) — ^What are you doing 
 here? 
 
 Finlayson — I might ask that of you. 
 
 Allen — You didn't say that you were going out. 
 
 Finlayson — You told me you were going to bed! 
 
 Allen — So you meet Beatrice down here, do you? 
 
 Finlayson {Amazed) — Eh? 
 
6o TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen — Just what I said. It's like your smooth- 
 ness, getting me involved in a plot to cover your 
 own underhand doings! 
 
 Finlayson — Well, of all the ! Great Scott — 
 
 what a mess! Will you listen to me? 
 
 Allen {Shouting) — No, I won't listen to you! 
 Beatrice, are you coming? What are you waiting 
 for? 
 
 Beatrice (Shrilly) — No, I'm not coming with 
 you. What do you take me for? Why should I 
 come with you? 
 
 Allen — Why should you? I am your legal pro- 
 tector, amn't I? Can you beat it? "Why should 
 you ?" 
 
 Beatrice — Where have you been all this time 
 then? I've been here at least half an hour. You 
 haven't been in much of a hurry. 
 
 Allen — Could I help it if my taxi took the wheel 
 oH another car, and delayed all the traffic on the 
 street? Could I help that, I say? Oh, yes, of 
 course I could ! There isn't anything that we men 
 are not expected to do, from cooking a dinner to 
 settling a traffic riot on Market Street ! 
 
 Finlayson — My word, that's interesting! Isn't 
 it queer how a man's wife is never with him in 
 a taxi accident! What was her name, Ned? 
 
 Allen {Blustej'inff) — B-r-r-r ! I've had just 
 
 about enough from you. 
 
 Finlayson — Yet I am the only person who can 
 set you right on this. 
 
 Allen (Sneering) — Sort of a Solomon, are you? 
 
 Finlayson — Come to think of it, Solomon and I 
 are kindred spirits. He was a hopelessly married 
 
ACT II 6i 
 
 man too! {He sends a whimsical glance toward 
 Beatrice. She is self-conscious.) 
 
 Parker {Who has been trying to get in a word 
 for some time) — There is no further reason for my 
 remaining here. Good-evening, Mrs. Allen. If at 
 any time I can be of any assistance just let me know. 
 
 Beatrice — You are so kind ! 
 
 (Parker goes out hurriedly, C. E., forgetting 
 his overcoat. Beatrice and Allen continue to 
 argue aside.) 
 
 Isabel — Sydney ! 
 
 Finlayson — Let him go. He'll be back tomorrow 
 — if you want him ! 
 
 Isabel {Indignantly) — Of course I want him! 
 But, oh, I am inad at him ! 
 
 Finlayson — Naturally no girl cares for a lover 
 who isn't able to hold his own. 
 
 Isabel — I do care for Syd. But he ought to have 
 more faith in me. 
 
 Finlayson — He'll be around tomorrow, as meek 
 as a lamb, you'll see! I promise you I'll spend all 
 day straightening this thing out. 
 
 Allen — Once more, Mrs. Allen, are you coming? 
 
 Beatrice — No — and stop calling me Mrs. Allen ! 
 
 Allen — I'll call you exactly what I damn please! 
 
 Beatrice {Beginning to cry) — O — o — oh! In 
 all my life I've never been sworn at before ! 
 
 Allen — It would have been better for you if you 
 had! Damn, damn, damn, I say! 
 
 Finlayson — Ned! Ned! Kindly remember that 
 you are not in the sanctity of your own home! 
 
 (Isabel approaches Allen protestingly. He 
 calms down somewhat, and stands near C. E.. look- 
 
62 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 inff commandbigly at Beatrice. The telephone 
 rings, Isabel answers.) 
 
 Isabel {At telephofie) — Yes? — Who? — (Puz- 
 zled) Yes, this is Mrs. Perry's house. — I don't 
 understand you. (Hitting the phone) That's bet- 
 ter. IVhofji did you say? — What car? — (Turning 
 to the others) I can't make out what he says; he 
 sounds Dutch. (To phone) You take car 21, yes, 
 to get here. (To othe?^s) Good gracious! I'm 
 giving a strange man directions how to get here ! — 
 (To phone) Mrs. Who?— Mrs. Finlayson? (All 
 start) — Oh, yes! To meet — Who is this, please? 
 — Who? — Oh! — Very well. Good-by. (She hangs 
 up, and turns in amazement to Finlayson.) It's 
 Professor Staticmuller ! He is coming here to meet 
 Mrs. Finlayson. Did you ever? He's lost. He'll 
 be here in a few minutes. 
 
 Finlayson — Well — what do you know about 
 that? (He sinks into a chair in amazement. The 
 others show their astonishmejit.) 
 
 Beatrice — Professor Staticmuller ! 
 
 Allen — That settles it! I wait here for that 
 scoundrel ! (He takes off his overcoat and sits down 
 to wait.) 
 
 Beatrice (Looking at Finlayson) — I think I'll 
 go! ^ 
 
 Finlayson — Don't hurry away on my account. I 
 seem to be here for awhile; my wife may need a 
 chaperone ! 
 
 Isabel (Spiritedly, with light sarcasm) — Please 
 make yourselves at home! My duty as hostess 
 seems to have been quite taken out of my hands. I 
 think I shall leave you to manage the rest of this 
 affair as you consider best. ( The door R. suddenly 
 
I ACT II 63 
 
 op ens J Mrs. Perry^ in dressinff-gown and slippers, 
 appears on the threshold.) Mama! (Isabel runs 
 to her.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Did you call me, darling? 
 
 Isabel — Why, no, mama. Don't you think you'd 
 better go back? (Mrs. Perry insists upon coming 
 in. FiNLAYSON assists her to the couch.) This is 
 Mr. Finlayson, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Surveying them all) — Good-eve- 
 ning, Mr. Finlayson. Where is Sydney? 
 
 Isabel — He went away, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — And you let him go ? 
 
 Isabel — Certainly. 
 
 Finlayson {Innocently) — He is coming back to- 
 morrow. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Looking at Allen, who has risen) 
 — Who is this gentleman? 
 
 Isabel — Excuse me, mama; this is Mr. Allen. 
 
 Allen {Choking down his anger as best he can) 
 — Good-evening, Mrs. Perry; pleased to meet you. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — And I am particularly glad to meet 
 you. Now, I advise you to take your wife home 
 and have a little talk with her. She has been saying 
 a great many things which are not true, and had 
 much better be left unsaid. 
 
 Finlayson — Few women show discretion in their 
 selection of things to be left unsaid. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I think many of your sex have the 
 same failing. {Yii<i-LAY?>ON is abashed.) Isabel, my 
 tatting, please. 
 
 Beatrice {Excitedly) — That is just what I think, 
 Mrs. Perry! If you could have heard the things 
 my husband said to me before I came here this eve- 
 ning! No wonder I was half-distracted. 
 
64 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Alle7i — There you go again! If that crazy Dutch- 
 man doesn't come soon, I'll go mad ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {With a calming gesture) — I am 
 sorry to be inhospitable, but 
 
 Isabel {Softly) — Mama! Don't you think you'd 
 better go and get your dress on ? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — My dear, there are other things 
 more important than a suitable costume. My daugh- 
 ter's good name is one of them. 
 
 Finlayson {Overcome with contrition) — Mrs. 
 Perry! What a confounded scoundrel I am! Let 
 me explain how 
 
 {The doorbell rings. All start.) 
 
 Beatrice — Professor Staticmuller ! 
 
 (Isabel answers the bell. Finlayson sinks back 
 into his chair resignedly. Allen adopts a "just let 
 me at him!" attitude. Parker enters C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson — Oh ! Sooner than I expected ! 
 
 Parker {Stiffly) — I forgot my overcoat. I am 
 going out of town tomorrow, I shall probably need 
 it. 
 
 Isabel {Hafiding it to him) — Here it is. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Sydney! 
 
 Parker — Yes, Mrs. Perry? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — ^A pleasant trip to you ! Do you 
 expect to be away long? 
 
 Parker {Hesitating) — My plans are rather un- 
 certain. Business — er 
 
 Mrs. Perry {With quiet sarcasm) — I often think 
 how convenient ''business" is! 
 
 Finlayson — Mrs. Perry! Business a convenience! 
 You are unkind. Business ! It is our cruel task- 
 master; we are its slaves. 
 
ACT II 65 
 
 (Allen grunts; Beatrice makes a hysterical 
 sound.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Calmly tatting) — One — two — three 
 
 — four — five — loop . I never knew^ a man w^ho 
 
 was its unwilling slave any more than I am to this 
 tatting shuttle ! One — two — three — four — five — 
 loop. I tat because I like to. You men engage in n/ 
 business because it is a fine, big, interesting game. 
 If you didn't like it you would all be planting beans 
 and potatoes in your back yards, and raising pigs and 
 other food for your families. 
 
 Isabel — Mama ! 
 
 Finlayson — Good! Back to the soil, I say! *'In 
 the beginning" God planted a garden, and all those 
 things you mention must have been in it, Mrs. 
 Perry, although the historian doesn't so state. 
 
 Allen ( Growling) — There's a whole lot in that 
 Garden of Eden story that we poor ginks are left to 
 find out for ourselves. 
 
 M?'s. Perry (Politely) — I didn't hear you, Mr. 
 Allen. 
 
 Finlayson — ^Allen is something of a pessimist, 
 Mrs. Perry. Don't let him worry you. 
 
 (Allen subsides.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry (Placidly) — Oh, I never allow 
 trifles to worry me! One — two — three — four — 
 
 five — loop. One — two And my opinion of 
 
 the relation of men to their business is of many 
 years' standing, so he and Sydney do not bother me 
 in the least. One — two — three 
 
 Parker — I'm afraid I differ from you, Mrs. 
 Perry; but I have no arguments ready. Good- 
 night. (He turns toward C. E.) 
 
66 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice — Oh, Mr. Parker, if you are going my 
 way, may I go with you? 
 
 Parker — Certainly, Mrs. Allen, with great pleas- 
 ure. A little later I am going to drop in at the 
 Indoor Yacht Club meeting. 
 
 Allen — Great Scott! I forgot all about that 
 meeting ! 
 
 Beatrice — Earlier in the evening that meeting 
 was of the greatest importance, Mr. Parker; but 
 even more important matters seem to have come up 
 since then. Shall we go? 
 
 Parker {All confusion) — Certainly. 
 
 (Allen starts after her,) 
 
 Beatrice {Witheringly) — I believe you said you 
 were anticipating meeting Professor Staticmuller. 
 Don't let me take you away. Good-evening, every- 
 body! {She and Parker go out C. E.) 
 
 (Allen looks about distractedly, then decides to 
 remain, and bounces down again in a chair L.) 
 
 Finlayson — How things do work around after 
 all ! Here we are, waiting as though it had all been 
 prearranged, to meet the great apostle of freedom ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {To Isabel) — Who is this they are 
 speaking of, dear? Are you expecting someone? 
 
 Isabel — Oh, mama, it is most unexpected ! For 
 some reason, I don't know what, Mrs. Finlayson 
 has directed Professor Staticmuller to meet her 
 here. I suppose they will be here at any moment. 
 
 Finlayson — Great scheme of Jane's! Now we 
 can plan that husbands' meeting! (Allen shifts 
 impatiently.) Everything is working right to our 
 hands, Ned. 
 
 Allen {Growling) — I don't know what you are 
 talking about. 
 
ACT II 67 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Dear me ! Another strange gentle- 
 man coming! 
 
 Isabel {Meaningly) — Perhaps It would be better 
 for you to — er — eh ? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Yes, indeed, I must put on my dress 
 again. {She lays aside her tatting, and rises, with 
 slight help from Isabel.) 
 
 Isabel — Will you excuse us for a few minutes, 
 please? If the doorbell rings would one of you 
 gentlemen kindly answer it? 
 
 F inlay son — With pleasure. 
 
 (Allen nods abruptly. Mrs. Perry and Isabel 
 go out R. The two men shift about for a tirne 
 without looking at each other, then gradually fix 
 one another with a long stare. Finlayson goes 
 off into a silent paroxysm of laughter. Allen mut- 
 ters angrily.) 
 
 Finlayson {Breathless with laughter) — See here, 
 Ned! 
 
 Allen — Dry up! 
 
 Finlayson — But man, you're a fool! What do 
 you think you're doing? Don't you know that 
 
 Allen — I know that I've had enough of your tom- 
 foolery. 
 
 Finlayson {Innocently) — I? Tomfoolery? 
 
 Allen — Yes — you, you — you! 
 
 {The doorbell rings; Allen starts up, then 
 checks himself, looking at Finlayson.) 
 
 Finlayson {Nonchalantly) — After you! Don't 
 let me deprive you ! 
 
 Allen {Savagely) — Open the door! If / do I'll 
 kick him downstairs! 
 
 (Finlayson. with mock haste, goes to the front 
 door. A high-pitched foreign voice is heard.) 
 
68 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Voice — Mees Eesabel Perree? She lifs here? 
 
 Finlayson — Yes. Good-evening. Walk right in. 
 
 (Professor Staticmuller enters, followed by 
 Finlayson. The Professor is tall and foreiffn- 
 looking. One is not sure of his nationality. He 
 may be German, he may be Polish. Most likely he 
 is frojji Sweden. With rather pronounced, checked 
 clothes he wears a soft, flowing necktie. His whis- 
 kers are long and aggressive; his eyes mild, evi- 
 dently cultivating a ''vision' of fifty years hence.) 
 
 Professor S. — Ah, you are der broder off der 
 young ladee, Miss Perree? 
 
 Finlayson (Cheerfully) — Oh, no! Only a fam- 
 ily friend. Allow me to buttle for you. 
 
 Professors. (Puzzled)— Ehl Vat's dat? 
 
 Finlayson — To buttle, to valet — hang it ! What 
 is it a footman does? At any rate, let me take your 
 hat and coat. ( Taking the Professor's coat) 
 
 Professor S. — Oh, sairtainly, sairtainly! (Tak- 
 ing off his overcoat) How you Americans make 
 der jokes! I do not der humor alvays onderstand. 
 
 Finlayson — No? Same here! (Rattling on) 
 You have it then in your country. 
 
 Professor S. — Haf vat, Mistair ? Pardon, 
 
 I haf not your name. 
 
 Finlayson — My name is Rodney Finlayson; yes, 
 Finlayson is my humble patronymic. Allow me to 
 introduce you to my friend, Allen. Mr. Allen, 
 Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 (Allen rises and nods forbiddingly.) 
 
 Professor S. — How? You know my name al- 
 ready? How comes dat? 
 
 Finlayson — I happened to overhear Miss Perry 
 say that she expected you this evening. 
 
ACT II 69 
 
 Professor S. — So? (To Allen) I haf pleasure 
 in meeting you, Mistair Alien. Your name, it 
 sounds to me familiare. Vere can I it haf heard? 
 Somewhere, I am sure. 
 
 Allen (Forcibly) — And your name. Professor 
 Staticmuller, is familiar to me, very familiar. I 
 have been anxious to meet you. 
 
 Professor S. — So? Den ve are veil met. (To 
 Finlayson) And you, Mistair? Your name also 
 I haf many times heard. Feen-lay-son ? Ah, I haf 
 it! It iss dee Madame Feenlayson who so often 
 to my classes comes, dat so charming ladee! Can it 
 be you are der fortunate husband off dat ladee? 
 
 Finlayson (Nodding meekly) — I am he! (He 
 casts his eyes ecstatically heavenward.) Also, I am 
 to have the honor, if you remember, of painting your 
 portrait. 
 
 Professor S. — But, of course ! How stupid am 
 I ! But dere iss so much to remember, Mistair, so 
 much! 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, I imagine so; especially when 
 one remembers both backwards and forwards, as 
 you do ! 
 
 Professor S. (Puzzled)— Eh? (To Allen) 
 And you? Ah, now I know! Dee charming little 
 blonde ladee who with Madame Feenlayson so 
 often comes! How stupid am I! You are der 
 husband off dat so intelligent ladee, yes? 
 
 Allen (Gruffly) — My name is Edward Allen. 
 Probably Mrs. Allen has attended some of your 
 d — er — classes. As I said before, I have been wait- 
 ing to meet you. 
 
 Professor S. (Genially) — Ah, dat iss very agree- 
 able ! Let us now make friends. I am already so 
 
70 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 much der friend off dee so charming vifes. {He 
 seats himself, beaminff.) 
 
 Allen {Menacingly) — It all amounts to this. I'm 
 not talking about making friends. I want to know 
 what business you have going about telling foolish 
 women what they are to do fifty years hence ! Now 
 is the time we've got to live, right here and now. 
 While I am waiting for the next half century my 
 meals are getting cold, and home is all going hang! 
 {The Professor rises in consternationj his mild 
 eyes gradually becoming angry.) It's Professor said 
 this, and Professor said that, till I'm dead sick of 
 the stuff. I've just been waiting to run into you to 
 inform you that 
 
 Finlayson {Stepping between them) — See here, 
 Ned, see here! I must again remind you that you 
 are not in your own home sanctum. You are in 
 the house of two peace-loving, unprotected ladies 
 who 
 
 Professor S. — I do not onderstand dees, dees 
 shentleman, Mistair Feenlayson. Vat does he mean? 
 
 (Allen subsides, panting.) 
 
 Finlayson — ^You must excuse his manner. When 
 Ned becomes really interested in any subject he 
 gets so excited that he forgets his manners. Now, 
 he and I are interested ; why, we are absorbed, 
 obsessed, by this wonderful new doctrine of yours! 
 It takes us right off our feet. We're all upset this 
 evening over it. That's the reason we're here. 
 
 Professor S. — So? {He looks suspiciously at 
 Allen.) 
 
 Allen {Making a great effort to control him- 
 self) — ^Yes, that's the reason we are here. I heard 
 you were coming. I waited to meet you. 
 
ACT II 71 
 
 Professor S. — I do not know vy I am here. Miss 
 Perree, iss she not home? 
 
 Fi?ilayson — Yes, oh, yes! She will be here in a 
 moment. 
 
 Professor S. — The so charming Madame Feen- 
 layson, she haf invited me here to meet her. She 
 haf not said dat you vere to be here. Perhaps it 
 vas to surprise you dat 
 
 Finlayson — Surprise ! Yes, that's it, a surprise all 
 round ! 
 
 Professor S. — I haf so much hoped a meeding 
 for der shentlemens to arrange; der husbands oft 
 dese so intelligent ladees. It iss not enough dat 
 I gif to de?n der new ideas, it is necessary dat der 
 mens also shall dem hear. 
 
 Allen (Gruffly) — ^What are all these ideas? Why 
 can't you tell them how to live right now ? 
 
 F inlay soji — Yes, why jump us ahead at such a 
 rate? Life is speedy enough as it is. 
 
 Professor S. — Der Americain humor I do not 
 onderstand qvick. Vat you mean — "speedy"? 
 
 Finlayson — I mean I want to live riffht now; 
 I don't want to live fifty years from now. 
 
 Professor S. — Ah, now I onderstand! Dat iss 
 vat der mens say, der — how you say? Der average 
 mens, you call him. He stay here^ — (indicating 
 a certain spot on the floor) — but dee ladees, ah 
 Gott, dee ladees ! Dey go so fast ! I tell dem 
 somedings, dey go — qvick — speedy! Dey believe — 
 dey do! 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, but the thing is, don't you see? 
 the average man wants the average woman to re- 
 main somewhere within shouting distance. What 
 Mr. Allen means is, that if you speed the women 
 
72 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 up to such an extent, we'll soon lose sight of them 
 altogether, understand ? 
 
 Professor S. — Lose sight ? How you mean ? 
 
 Finlayson (Indicating the sa?ne spot that the 
 Professor did on the floor) — Well, here's the aver- 
 age man; that's me — or w^e might even say it was 
 Ned Allen ! 
 
 Allen {Growling) — You can leave me out of it. 
 
 Finlayson — Just as you say. Here's me, then, 
 leading a nice, placid, comfortable life, unhampered 
 by doubts or problems of the future, secure in the 
 belief that Jane, although, of course, far above the 
 average woman, is here beside me. 
 
 Professor S. — Jane ? Vat iss Jane ? 
 
 Finlayson — Jane is who, Meinherr Professor. 
 Jane is Mrs. Feen — lay — son. 
 
 Professor S. — Oh ! Pardon, Mr. Feenlayson ! 
 
 Finlayson — Don't mention it! As I was saying, 
 and more grammatically, here am I, and here also, 
 presumably, is Jane. Suddenly I look up and dis- 
 cover Jane away over yonder. {Indicating a dis- 
 tant spot) I like existence right here — she likes 
 it there. {Shrugging enquiringly) Now, what are 
 you going to do about it? 
 
 Professor S. — Vat vill / do, Mistair? Dat iss 
 not der question. Vat vill you do? She vill call, 
 you vill go qvick, speedy also! 
 
 Finlayson {Lazily) — But I like it here, see? I 
 love it I I'd rather call Jane back "qvick, speedy!" 
 
 Professor S. {Smiling in a superior way) — ^You 
 are truly der average mens, Mistair Feenlayson. 
 {Turning to Allen) And you — you t'ink dees 
 vay also? 
 
 Allen — Yes, and your way is all foolishness, 
 
ACT II 73 
 
 damned foolishness, do you hear? (Finlayson tries 
 to restrain hiin without success.) You're going 
 around breaking up homes with your cursed philoso- 
 phy. {Indicating Finlayson) Why, here's my 
 best friend 
 
 (Isabel enters R. Allen subsides.) 
 
 Finlayson — Miss Perry, allow me to introduce 
 my friend, Professor Staticmuller. 
 
 Isabel — I'm glad to meet you. Professor Static- 
 muller. Won't you sit down? 
 
 Professor S. {Bowing) — I am most happy, Mees 
 Perree. 
 
 (All sit.) 
 
 Finlayson — The Professor says that Mrs. Finlay- 
 son has an appointment here with him. Such a 
 natural, friendly little arrangement of Jane's! It's 
 just my good luck to be here ! 
 
 Professor S. — Myself, I hope it iss aboud der 
 meeding she plans for der shentlemens. 
 
 Isabel {Nervously) — Yes, I think that must be 
 it. Why not talk about it now, and have it all 
 arranged before Mrs. Finlayson comes? It will be 
 a nice surprise for her. 
 
 Professor S. — It vill do me great pleasure to so 
 arrange, if der shentlemens 
 
 Finlayson — I think we'd better wait. I never 
 like to interfere with any of Jane's plans. 
 
 Professor^ S. — Ah, you see? Der very first step 
 in der new regime — to interfere not ! 
 
 Finlayson — But I never did. That's not new to 
 me. 
 
 Professor S. — Den you haf my compliments. Dat 
 iss vone great step in der new vay. 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, I like to keep step with the pro- 
 
74 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 cession as much as anybody, and listen to the music 
 of the band, even if there is a lot of brass about it! 
 The trouble is, no one ever notices me in the crowed ; 
 I'm not spectacular enough. 
 
 Allen {Gj-ozvling) — You can talk more nonsense 
 in a minute than any fool I ever knew. Well, I 
 don't seem to be advancing matters any toward that 
 new period we're so much "obsessed" by, so I guess 
 
 I'll go. 
 
 Professor S. — I am sorry. I fear you do not 
 my object comprehend. I 
 
 Isabel {Going to Allen) — Mr. Allen, I am 
 so sorry all this incomprehensible mistake has oc- 
 curred. 
 
 Allen — It's all a huge mess. Miss Perry. Why 
 didn't you tell Sydney Parker right out about that 
 note of recommendation? 
 
 Isabel — Sydney needs punishing. He was too 
 ready to suspect me. Why, it's the most absurd 
 thing! I can hardly believe it of him. 
 
 Allen — I can hardly believe it of anybody. 
 
 Isabel — Please go home and have a good talk with 
 Mrs. Allen, and clear it all up. Mr. Finlayson 
 can help you, I am sure. 
 
 Finlayson — Am I dismissed too? I have to wait 
 for my wife. I can't see what she's doing all this 
 time. I hope she's not holding up traffic! 
 
 Isabel — I'd much rather you would stay until 
 she comes. 
 
 Professor S. — Trust Providence — she vill soon 
 come. 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, it's all well enough to trust 
 Providence, but there's no sense in Jane's putting 
 herself in a hole for Providence to pull her out of ! 
 
ACT II 75 
 
 Allen — That's the first sane speech out of your 
 mouth tonight. Women are always getting them- 
 selves into holes, serenely banking on some mas- 
 culine Providence to help them out! 
 
 Isabel — Oh, Mr. Allen, vs^hat an ungallant 
 speech ! 
 
 Allen — Well, it's true, with few exceptions. Miss 
 Perry. 
 
 Professor S. — Dat iss vat ve discuss in dose so 
 interesting meedings. Dee ladies, yes, yust now 
 dey are so ovaircome mit der — der entousiasm, dey 
 fall in dose holes of vich you truly speak. But 
 dere vill come a change — fifty years hence 
 
 {There is an UTiintelligible growl from Allen.) 
 
 Isabel {Hastily) — Yes, yes, times are changing 
 rapidly. Wc all feel it — we 
 
 Finlayson {Solemnly) — It is for this reason we 
 men must not hold back. We are delaying traffic, 
 spiritual and mental traffic, just as surely as your 
 
 taxi wheel, by its obstinacy in holding onto 
 
 {He finishes with a cough, and goes into a paroxysm 
 of silent laughter.) 
 
 Allen — Oh, rot! I'm going, Miss Perry. I'm a 
 bear — good-night. {He starts for C. E. A loud 
 ring is heard at the front door.) Jane! 
 
 Isabel — It must be Mrs. Finlayson. 
 
 {She goes out C. E. and re-enters, showing in 
 Jane. The latter is suave and cordial, talking with 
 Isabel as she entefs.) 
 
 Jane — Why, yes. Miss Perry, I knew you would 
 pardon this liberty of arranging a meeting at your 
 house. I felt sure you would understand. 
 
 Isabel {With meaning) — Yes, indeed! There 
 are several gentlemen waiting here to meet you ! 
 
76 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Jane — Several? {With pretended surprise) — 
 Why, Rodney! Whatever in the world! Well, 
 I never! {The Professor has risen ceremonious- 
 ly.) It was terribly good of you to give me some 
 of your precious time, Professor; I appreciate it, 
 I assure you. {Shaking hands with him) Well, 
 Ned, I suppose it was to be expected to find you 
 here, but I am so dense, I — er 
 
 Isabel {Haughtily) — I believe you have some de- 
 tails to arrange with Professor Staticmuller about a 
 meeting ? 
 
 Jane — Yes, that is the object of my coming here. 
 I V.new Miss Perry would be interested; am I right? 
 ( Cordially ) You have shown such aptitude in apply- 
 ing the rules of life which the dear Professor has 
 been instilling into us the last few months, that 
 I 
 
 Isabel — In what way have I ? 
 
 Allen — Oh, Lord, now the women are off! 
 
 Finlayson {Interrupting) — It was suggested that 
 as several of the husbands supposedly interested in 
 the proposed meeting were already providentially 
 here, we might go ahead and arrange matters; but 
 that would have been so contrary to the ways of 
 our household, Jane, that I naturally felt a hesitancy 
 about interfering with any of your plans. Incident- 
 ally I received a good mark in the Professor's books. 
 How about that, Professor? Do you work on the 
 honor system? Will I get a picture card or some- 
 thing before long, for credits? 
 
 Professor S. {Utterly bewildered) — Eh? — So? 
 Indeed, yes, my picture, I haf forgot! It iss indeed 
 an honor! 
 
 Jane — Don't be silly. Rod. May I sit down? 
 
ACT II 77 
 
 Miss Perry, do pardon my being the cause of all 
 this fuss! I never dreamed of anything more than 
 a cozy little chat, just the three of us ! 
 
 Isabel — Certainly, Mrs. Finlaj^son. May I take 
 your coat? {,She takes Jane's coat and lays it 
 aside.) Will you excuse me a moment? {She goes 
 out R.) 
 
 (All sit except Allen.) 
 
 Allen — I'd like to state right here that I'm not 
 in sympathy with any movement that causes scenes 
 such as occurred at my house this evening; and as 
 far as Mrs. Allen and I are concerned, there shall 
 be no more interest taken in it. 
 
 Jane — Speak for yourself, Ned ; let Beatrice settle 
 her own affairs. 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, don't hold up the traffic, Ned! 
 
 Allen {Turning on him fiercely) — Her affairs are 
 mine. 
 
 Jane — Oh, I don't understand! I thought you 
 had quite decided on a change. 
 
 Finlayson — So he has, Jane; but under the present 
 law, you know, until 
 
 Allen — No such thing! You know perfectly 
 well that you, with your damned foolishness, caused 
 all this 
 
 Finlayson — Tut, tut, man, calm yourself ! 
 
 Jane — Remember Mrs. Perry! 
 
 Professor S. {Bewildered, and becoming impa- 
 tient at the delay) — Could ve not decide dat matter 
 later, Madame, and arrange now our so important 
 meeding? 
 
 Jane — Yes, let us settle that first. If we do 
 decide on the change discussed earlier in the evening, 
 this meeting is very important, because you men 
 
78 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 must study the subject. Where and when, those are 
 the first things to decide. Do sit down, Ned, and 
 be quiet! {Curiosity holds Allen; he sits.) Let 
 us have it as soon as possible. 
 
 Finlayson — That's what I say. 
 
 Jane — In a week or ten days at latest. I'll do a 
 lot of telephoning, and I'll get some other women 
 to help. I'd like to offer you the use of our, er — 
 studio-living-room, but aside from its not being large 
 enough to hold the crowd we hope to get together, 
 there are other reasons. {Consciously) 
 
 Professor S. — ^A hall vould be der best for der 
 crowd. 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, you expect a crowd, do you? 
 
 Professor S. — Indeed yes ! Alvays dey crowd to 
 der doors. 
 
 Jane — I should say they do! They stand in 
 line 
 
 Allen — A sucker having been born every minute! 
 
 Jane {With a withering glance) — And this being 
 a husbands' meeting 
 
 Finlayson — Is it to be strictly confined to legal 
 escorts ? 
 
 (Allen grunts.) 
 
 Jane — I should be more accurate. Let us call 
 it a men's meeting; that is, especially planned for 
 men, although all the women will be there. 
 
 Finlayson — All the women? Christopher! 
 
 Jane — Oh, you know what I mean! And if we 
 find we are going to have too big a crowd some of 
 the women can stay at home; but we want all 
 the men. 
 
 Professor S. {Cojnplacently) — Yes, all der mens. 
 But, you, dear ladee, you must be dere. 
 
ACT II 79 
 
 Jane — Of course I shall have to be there, being, 
 as it were, the manager. {The Professor bows 
 gallantly.) Why, Professor, I was one of the very 
 first in your classes here, wasn't I? I remember 
 Mrs. Allen heard of you very soon after you ar- 
 rived in town. 
 
 Professor S. — It vas indeed my very great pleas- 
 ure to so soon meet Madame. 
 
 Jane — And now — just think! With the won- 
 derful enlightenment you have given us we are 
 able to face any emergency with advanced knowl- 
 edge and courage. 
 
 Finlayson {Beginning to be proud of Jane) — I 
 wish you'd told me something about these meetings 
 before, Jane. We might have worked together 
 along these lines, instead of secretly, blindly, as it 
 were. 
 
 Jane — Very true, Rod; I wish I had. But we 
 cannot turn back now; we must go on; isn't that so, 
 Professor? {He agrees.) When we find out our 
 mistakes we must immediately remedy them, if pos- 
 sible. Let yesterday be forgotten — all is change, 
 change, change! 
 
 (Finlayson and Allen watch her with grow- 
 ing astonishment.) 
 
 Professor S. {Mechanically) — Indeed, yes! All 
 iss change, change, change. 
 
 Jane — And in that change, Professor, in the so- 
 called upward march of the human race, you have 
 shown us that the new man and the new wo- 
 man are not now journeying along the same path, 
 but 
 
 Professor S. {Eagerly) — ^Yes, yes, it iss sOj I 
 said! 
 
8o TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Jane {Slanting the tips of her fingers together) — 
 They are climbing a mountain like this, on opposite 
 sides, the majority of them. By and by they will 
 meet again. Just now a few are journeying on 
 together, like you and me, eh? seeing the new 
 path, and trying to light the way for others! 
 
 Professor S. — Ve now see der new vay, you and 
 I. Indeed, yes, ve hold her light on high ! 
 
 Jane {Striking a pose) — "Liberty lighting the 
 world!" 
 
 Professor S. (Forgetting all about Finlayson 
 and Allen^ he approaches Jane, gesticulating as 
 though on the lecture platform.) — Ah, dear ladee, 
 you so lif vat iss my ideal ! Yes, noding but change! 
 You are going on ahead, you, and // It iss dee 
 voman who vill lead. In her hand she holds all 
 der years to come. Der man, he vill come after. 
 Some time she vill need him — den, she peeck him 
 up! Ven she not need him she vill — she vill put 
 him down ! He iss off small account in der grand 
 scheme. She iss — how you say it? — der "whole 
 show"! 
 
 Jane — Oh, Professor, Professor! The respon- 
 sibility will be too great. The majority are not 
 ready to take up this wonderful life. 
 
 Professor S. — Patience, my dear ladee ! Vid such 
 as you to lead, many vill soon be ready. {He 
 kisses her hand.) 
 
 (Allen and Finlayson are filled with conster- 
 nation. Mrs. Perry and Isabel enter R. Mrs. 
 Perry is dressed as at first.) 
 
 Isabel — Mother, this is Mrs. Finlayson. 
 
 iMrs. Perry — I am glad to meet you, Mrs. Fin- 
 
 \ 
 
ACT II 8 1 
 
 layson. Of course I have often heard my daughter 
 speak of you. 
 
 Jane — Yes, Mrs. Perry; and I of you. May I 
 introduce Professor Staticmuller? 
 
 Professor S. {Bowing low over Mrs. Perry's 
 hand) — It iss my great pleasure, Madame, to meet 
 you. 
 
 Mrs. Pe7*ry — Good-evening, Professor. You 
 vv^on't mind my not pronouncing your name, w^ill 
 you? I find foreign names very difficult to remem- 
 ber. Where did I leave my tatting, Isabel? 
 
 Professor S. — Sairtainly not, Madame. My 
 name, it iss too long, I admit. 
 
 Isabel — Here it is, mama. (Giving her mother 
 the tatting) 
 
 (Mrs. Perry sits on the couch.) 
 
 Professor S. — Dat vill be vone of¥ der t'ings in 
 der new life ve vill change — der too long vords, 
 der too long names. Ve vill haf dem more short. 
 It will make life more easy. 
 
 Isabel — Mother will thank you for that, at least. 
 Professor. It is very difficult for her to rem.ember 
 names. {Turning to Jane) Well, have you come 
 to any conclusion about your meeting? Couldn't I 
 help you get out your notices? 
 
 Finlayson (Aside to Allen) — She's a good sport. 
 (Allen g?'unts.) 
 
 Jane — Oh, I couldn't think of troubling you! 
 Your time is full enough as it is. 
 
 Isabel — I'll have my typewriter brought home to- 
 morrow, so I shall be able to write some notices 
 for you very easily. 
 
 Jane — Have your typewriter brought home! 
 
82 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Why, what will Mr. Finlayson do without you? 
 Rod, do you hear that? 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, it's percolating. I hope Isabel 
 doesn't mean that. 
 
 Allen — See here, Miss Perry, I protest! 
 
 Isabel — There is nothing else to be done after 
 this evening's conversation. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I prefer that my daughter should 
 discontinue the regular hours spent in your house- 
 hold, Mr. — er— Mr. 
 
 Isabel — Finlayson, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Finlayson. She may take orders 
 for work at home. One — two — three — four — five 
 — loop. One^ — two 
 
 (Allen shifts about uneasily.) 
 
 Finlayson — But your art lessons, you must not 
 give up those. 
 
 (Isabel shrugs deprecatingly.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — My daughter will have something 
 more important than art to consider in the next 
 few months. One — two — three — four — five — loop. 
 {Turning to the Proeessor) She is about to be 
 married. 
 
 Isabel — Mama! Professor Staticmuller is not in- 
 terested in our affairs. 
 
 Professor S. — Indeed yes ! Your affairs to me 
 mean life. All iss off interest. It comes^ — it goes — 
 all iss change. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I suppose the Professor is a. very 
 busy man. My daughter tells me you are a lec- 
 turer. One — two — three — four — five — loop. One 
 — two — th ree 
 
 Professor S. — Yes, Madame, dat iss my so humble 
 occupation. 
 
ACT II 83 
 
 Mrs. Perry — That must be very interesting. 
 Have you any special topic? 
 
 Professor S. — Madame, my subject comes at der 
 time I speak. Anyt'ing and eferyt'ing iss my topeec. 
 Today I say vone t'ing, tomorrow it iss all changed. 
 Feefty years from now 
 
 Finlayson {Saunterinff up to him) — That little 
 word "change" appears to be the keynote of your 
 whole subject, Professor. 
 
 Jane — Shuh ! I'm sure the Professor is in a 
 hurry, Rod ; and we haven't yet decided on the time 
 and place. Suppose we say a week from Monday 
 evening? {The Professor consults his note-book, 
 arid nods.) There's never much going on, on a 
 Monday. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — When I was a girl we were always 
 rather tired on a Monday evening somehow. One — 
 two — three 
 
 Finlayson — Sort of "pick-up day after Sunday," 
 I suppose? 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Pleased) — Yes, and then the wash- 
 ing. 
 
 Isabel — Mother, dear, times have changed since 
 then. 
 
 Finlayson — Changed indeed! {Descriptively) 
 Nowadays a pair of silk stockings on the radiator, 
 a pocket handkerchief or two on the window-pane — 
 {airily) — there you are! The rest to Japan — or 
 France ! 
 
 Jane — Rodney! I wish you would keep quiet! 
 
 Finlayson — My dear Jane, / didn't begin it. 
 {He continues talking with Mrs. Perry.) 
 
 Professor S. {Bewildered) — Yes, all — all iss 
 change. 
 
84 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen {Aside to Jane) — Say, can't that chump 
 say anything else ? 
 
 Jane — You and Rod are both so impatient. 
 You're in great need of the chastening influence 
 of this very meeting we are planning. 
 
 Allen — Then, for heaven's sake, get it planned ! 
 
 Jane — One week from Monday, then. Professor. 
 And about the place, I don't believe the present 
 hall will be large enough, do you? 
 
 Professor S. — I fear not indeed. 
 
 Jane — I shall just have to go about and look 
 at a few halls, because on such short notice we may 
 have trouble finding one. {They continue aside.) 
 
 Allen {To Isabel, indicating Jane and the 
 Professor) — Believe 7ne, this sort of thing won't 
 get any help from me. Now, once more, I'm going. 
 Don't stop me! 
 
 Isabel {Teasing) — To the important meeting? 
 
 Allen {Gruffly) — Yes. I've missed the direc- 
 tors' meeting, but I guess I'd better put in an ap- 
 pearance at the rest of it. Good-night, folks. Mrs. 
 Perry, I 
 
 Jane — Oh, wait a minute Ned, it's all arranged! 
 I'm going now with Professor StaticmuUer down 
 to the hall. My choice is made, but I must make 
 some arrangements. 
 
 Professor S. — Yes, the choice of Madame Feen- 
 laj^son iss made. {Bowing to Mrs. Perry and 
 Isabel) Ladees, I salute you. My very good- 
 night. 
 
 Mrs. Pe?-ry\r^ i • i , 
 T , T ^Good-night. 
 
 Isabel J 
 
 Finlayson — I hope you've made a good choice of 
 
ACT II 85 
 
 a hall. Those draughty old seance places don't ap- 
 peal to me. 
 
 Jane — Our choice is alwa5^s a wise one, isn't it, 
 Professor? {Holding out her coat for him to assist 
 her) 
 
 Professor S. (Assisting her) — Indeed, yes, Ma- 
 dame. Your choice is mine. {He bows elabor- 
 ately.) 
 
 Jane — In matters more important than halls, is 
 it not ? 
 
 Professor S. {Floridly) — In all matters, Ma- 
 dame. {Holding open the door) After you, 
 Madame. 
 
 Jane — No, I believe your overcoat is in the hall. 
 Will you get it? I w^ill follow. Please hurry! 
 {He goes out C. E.) One last word, good people. 
 {Addressing Finlayson and Allen pointedly) 
 "All is change, change, change," as my dear Pro- 
 fessor says. {Quoting gaily) "I hold the future 
 in my hand. I lead, he will follow!" Perhaps it 
 will surprise j^ou, but because I am the last of our 
 quartette to divulge my plans, is no reason that I 
 have not fully decided on them. {Looking out into 
 the hall admiringly, then at Finlayson) The 
 Professor, apostle of the new era, is my next choice! 
 {Carelessly) I'll be home in an hour or so to talk 
 it over. Good-by nov/. Ready, Professor? {She 
 goes out J smiling.) 
 
 {The front door is heard to close. The Two 
 Men look at each other, aghast. Isabel and Mrs. 
 Perry are bewildered. Finlayson starts toward 
 C. E. Allen looks at him, then dashes out into 
 the hall. Isabel goes to the door C. then looks 
 hack at Finlayson.) 
 
86 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Isabel — What did she mean? 
 
 F inlay son {All his gay humor gone) — God 
 knows ! 
 
 Allen {Heard shouting from the front door) — 
 Jane ! — Jane ! 
 
 Finlayson {Going to C. E.) — Ned! Quit that! 
 You won't do any good with all that noise. You'll 
 have an officer here. 
 
 Allen {Returning excitedly) — Well, what's the 
 matter with the world anyhow! Everything has 
 gone wrong from the minute I entered my own 
 door tonight. 
 
 Isabel {Gravely) — I think it began to go wrong 
 earlier than that. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I don't know what you are all talk- 
 ing about. One — two — three — four — five — loop. 
 One — two — three 
 
 (Finlayson is co?npletely dazed. He sits L.) 
 
 Allen — It's a rotten world, Mrs. Perry, if you'll 
 excuse my English ! See here. Fin, old man, that's 
 all just a nightmare. {Jerking his thmnb toward 
 C. E.) That can't be real, you know. 
 
 Finlayson — Then I wish you'd waken me. {Ris- 
 ing and staggering slightly) I must go after her. 
 (Allen catches hold of him.) Here, let me go, 
 Ned! 
 
 Allen — If anybody goes, I do ! You weren't born 
 to fight. Fin. If there's any smashing to be done, 
 let me tend to it! 
 
 Isabel — Couldn't it be — don't you think it's all 
 a joke? 
 
 Fifilayson — No, Jane's too serious for that. I 
 never knew her to jest about such matters. That 
 
ACT II 87 
 
 scoundrel has turned her head. But Jane — Jane! 
 And that — er — that — {Sjiiitinff his chest) Do 
 I — I — seem to you the inferior of that — that — Oh, 
 Christopher! {He sinks baclz in his chair.) 
 
 Airs. Perry {Going to him hurriedly) — I'm 
 afraid you are ill, Mr. — er ? 
 
 Finlayson {Smiling ruefully up at her) — FooU 
 ingson, Mrs. Perry, Did you ever see a double* 
 dyed idiot? Here's one! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Oh, I'm sure you underrate your- 
 self, Mr. Foo 
 
 Isabel — Finlayson, mama. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Perhaps a little of your hot coffee, 
 Isabel, might be good for him. 
 
 Isabel— Yts, shall I ? 
 
 Allen — Take some. Fin. 
 
 Finlayson — Nonsense! I'm all right. Thanks 
 just the same. I'll toddle along in a few minutes 
 and be ready for them when they come home. 
 
 {The telephone rings; Isabel answers.) 
 
 Isabel {At phone) — Hello! — Yes, this is Oak 
 1259 — What? — ^Why, yes, bring her right up here 
 again. — Oh, I'm so sorry! Good-by. {She hangs 
 up.) Another mishap! That was Sydney. He 
 says Mrs. Allen has turned her ankle, and is in 
 great pain. He thought he would better bring her 
 back here; it's nearer than going home. 
 
 Allen — Damn! {He goes out C. E.) 
 
 Finlayson {Listlessly, still lying back in his 
 chair) — I suppose she got into one of those "Provi- 
 dential holes!" Where are they? 
 
 Isabel — Just down at the corner. They've been 
 a long time getting there! 
 
88 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson — Weil, of all the chumps, we're the 
 limit ! Coming here and upsetting your peaceful 
 home like this! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Reseating herself on the couch) — 
 Oh, don't worry about that ! Isabel, you'd better 
 look up some bandages, and see if we have some 
 liniment. 
 
 Isabel — Yes, indeed. {She goes out R.) 
 
 Finlayson — Ned shouldn't bring her in here. He 
 should get her into a taxi and take her right home, 
 or into the nearest drug-store; but when Ned loses 
 his head there's no telling what he will do. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Philosophically) — They are all 
 about alike, I find ! 
 
 Finlayson — Same old Adam, eh, Mrs. Perry, 
 whether this fifty years or next? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Yes. Besides, there are no taxis, 
 or drug-stores, either, in this immediate neighbor- 
 hood. One — two — three — four — five — loop. One 
 
 — two — three Oh, dear me! I've knotted my 
 
 thread! {She becomes absorbed in disentangling 
 
 it.) 
 
 Finlayson — What a tragedy! 
 
 (Isabel enters R. zvith bandages, cotton, lini- 
 ment , et cetera.) 
 
 Isabel — I haven't much on hand, and I'm not a 
 trained nurse. Don't you think we'd better tele- 
 phone for a doctor? 
 
 Finlayson — No, indeed! I protest. We have al- 
 ready disturbed you enough. I shall insist on Ned's 
 taking her home as soon as we have made her com- 
 fortable. If I hadn't been so dazed when the tele- 
 phone call came I would have gone right off with 
 Ned. 
 
ACT II 89 
 
 Isabel {Timidly) — I wish I could do something 
 for you, Mr. Finlayson. I — I — don't know what 
 to say. 
 
 Finlayson — Never mind, I know you're a good 
 friend. I'm simply all in. I don't know what to 
 think. 
 
 Isabel — I'm sure there's a mistake somewhere, al- 
 though — it certainly looked 
 
 Finlayson {Forlornly) — Yes, it did! It strikes 
 me all of a heap. I've taken things too much for 
 granted ; this is my reward. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Who has been deep in the untying 
 of the knot, but has succeeded) — One — two — three 
 — four — five — loop. I don't understand why your 
 wife left so hurriedly, Mr. Fin — Finlayson. 
 
 Finlayson {Pacing up and down) — Neither do I, 
 Mrs. Perry. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Young women are very independ- 
 ent nowadays. I do not pretend to understand 
 them. It was all so different when I was a girl. 
 I fear I belong to another age. 
 
 Isabel {At the table, making the cotton into little 
 pads) — Now you have mother started on her fa- 
 vorite topic, Mr. Finlayson. {There is a ring at 
 the doorbell.) Here they are! 
 
 Finlayson — Let me go. {He goes out C. E. 
 Sevei'al persons are heard to enter the hall. Fin- 
 layson and Allen come in, supporting Beatrice, 
 who is moaning.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Put her right here on the couch. 
 There — there! I'm sure it hurts very much. 
 
 Beatrice — Oh! — Ouch! Boys, walk slower! 
 Ouch! Ned, dont! Can't you see you're killing 
 me? 
 
go TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen {Much troubled) — Yes, deary. There 
 now — there you are! 
 
 (Beatrice sinks down on the couch.) 
 
 Finlayson — Brace up, Bee. It may not be so 
 bad. 
 
 Beatrice {Clutching his hand^ and holding it) — 
 Oh, Rodney! 
 
 Finlayson {Very uncomfortable) — It's all right, 
 Bee; it's all right. 
 
 Beatrice — No it isn't. Oh — Oh — everything's 
 all wrong! 
 
 Finlayson — I agree with you, but howling doesn't 
 help matters. Seems to be a habit in your family, 
 to shriek over everything. 
 
 Beatrice — I'll — I'll try not to — if you ask me 
 not to! 
 
 Allen {Twning away abruptly, to Isabel) — 
 May I use your phone? 
 
 Isabel — Certainly. 
 
 Mrs. Perry {At back of couch, holding Bea- 
 trice's hand) — Come Isabel, loosen her shoe. That 
 will relieve her. 
 
 (Isabel starts to comply.) 
 
 Allen {At the telephone) — Hello! — Give me 
 Pine 3258 — Hello! Taxi cabs? Send me a machine 
 right away. To — er — {To Isabel) Say, what's 
 the number here? 
 
 (Isabel hastens to hi?n; their voices drop.) 
 
 Beatrice {To Mrs. Perry) — Oh, make them 
 both stay away ! I just want you and Rodney ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — ^Why, my dear, surely your hus- 
 band is the proper person to 
 
 Finlayson {Quietly, beginning to unlace one of 
 Beatrice's shoes) — Here's where I shine as a shoe 
 
ACT II 91 
 
 expert. Ahem ! These are too close a fit, Madame. 
 Now, if you had come to me in the first place — I 
 would have recommended a longer shoe, and pos- 
 sibly one a trifle wider. 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Why, I thought you were an ar- 
 tist, Mr. Finlayson! 
 
 Fiiilayson — Does anything make you doubt it, 
 Mrs. Perry? 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I'm sure you talk just like a shoe- 
 clerk. 
 
 Isabel {Inclined to laugh) — Mama! 
 
 Allen {Determinedly pushing Finlayson aside) 
 — Sorry to disturb you. Fin, but this is my job. 
 {From now on surprise helps Beatrice to forget 
 her ankle, which is not badly sprained after all. 
 Allen removes her shoe.) Good Lord, these high- 
 heeled freaks! No wonder they threw you. 
 
 Beatrice — Ouch ! 
 
 Airs. Perry — There — there! Isabel, run and get 
 my salts off the bureau. 
 
 (Isabel goes out R. and returns with the salts.) 
 
 Allen — We're not going to put these people to 
 any more trouble than we can help. Just let me 
 have some of that cloth — bandage, whatever you 
 call it. Miss Perry. We'll wrap it around this in- 
 jured member to keep it warm, and wait till we 
 get home to fix it up. 
 
 Isabel — I have liniment right here, Mr. Allen. 
 
 Allen — You're very good, but we've already 
 bothered you enough. 
 
 Finlayson — This is one of the moments which 
 puts one's sense of humor to the test. 
 
 (Isabel is overcome with half -hysterical gig- 
 gling.) 
 
92 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice — What's the matter? {Looking about 
 vaguely) Where is Mr. Parker? Didn't he come 
 
 m 
 
 Allen {Shortly) — No! He suddenly remem- 
 bered another engagement. He seemed only too 
 glad to beat it. There now! {Tying the bandage 
 with a flourish) That's all right. Feel pretty 
 good now? 
 
 Beatrice {Nods mournfully) — Yes, I — I — think 
 so. 
 
 Allen — Well, keep on thinking so, old lady! 
 What's the matter with your think-tank? Start 
 it working! 
 
 Beatrice — It's all very well for you to talk when 
 you're quite comfortable! 
 
 Mrs. Perry — I don't understand how the accident 
 happened. You were near here? 
 
 Beatrice {Breathlessly) — Yes! We started to 
 walk home, and — and we stopped over there in 
 the park, and sat on a bench to talk things over. 
 
 Finlayson — An extremely dangerous proceeding! 
 Park benches are known to throw persons on the 
 slightest provocation ! 
 
 Beatrice {With a withering look) — We were 
 talking, as I said, and — and — {with a defiant look 
 at Allen) I was sitting on my foot, as I often do, 
 and when I got up — oh, dear, there's another 
 twinge! 
 
 Allen — Well, if your Professor Statistician could 
 eliminate that habit, I'd take off my hat to him! 
 
 Beatrice {Half sobbing) — ^You're just as mean 
 as you can be! {Squeezi?ig her damp handker- 
 chief, and looking about for someone) Where is 
 Jane? 
 
ACT II 93 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Dear me, I must lend you a clean 
 handkerchief! {She goes out hastily R.) 
 
 Beatrice — If you would be so kind! — I said, 
 where is Jane? I thought you expected her here. 
 
 (All look at each other,) 
 
 Allen — ^Jane? Oh, yes, she was here! 
 
 Isabel — She's gone. 
 
 Beatfice — Well, she was in a great hurry! 
 {Looking from one to the other) What's the mat- 
 ter? What makes you all so queer? You're 
 keeping something from me. 
 
 Allen— Wd\—Xht truth is— er, shall I tell her, 
 Fin? 
 
 Finlayson {With his back to thenij teetering back 
 and forth) — Oh, yes, spit it out! 
 
 Allen {Excitedly, but careful, at the same time, 
 of Beatrice's feelings) — She's gone off with that 
 blooming Professor of yours. That's what she's 
 done. 
 
 Beatrice {Aghast) — Not ]^ntl—Janef 
 
 Allen — Yes, Jane! She stood right there in 
 that doorway, and told us he was her choice, not 
 fifteen minutes ago. Now come along home ! 
 
 Mrs. Perry {Entej'ing with a clean handker- 
 chief) — Here's a nice, clean handkerchief for you, 
 my dear, and I put just a dash of violet on it. 
 
 Beatrice {Completely dazed) — Thank you — > 
 Jane! 
 
 Mi^s. Perry {Surprised, to the others) — She's a 
 bit upset, a trifle hysterical, I suspect. You'd best 
 get her to bed as soon as possible. 
 
 {A taxi horn is heard outside.) 
 
 Allen — There we are! Come along, Fin; give 
 us a hand, will you? {They assist Beatrice. She 
 
94 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 is so overcome by surprise that pain seems to have 
 left her.) Easy now! All right, Bee? {She nods.) 
 Aren't you going to say good-night to these kind 
 ladies? 
 
 Beatrice {Faintly) — Good-night. Thank you. 
 
 (Mrs. Perry and Isabel follow them to the 
 door, C.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Good-night. I do hope It isn't 
 serious. 
 
 Allen {Airily) — Oh, she'll be all right after a 
 good night's sleep ! 
 
 Beatrice {Indignantly) — Ouch! Oh, do be care- 
 ful, Ned! I'm sure I'm in for a siege. 
 
 Allen {Abruptly) — A thousand thanks to you, 
 ladies. Good-night. 
 
 {fie picks Beatrice up in his arms and carries 
 her out moaning.) 
 
 Finlayson {Indicating the departing couple) — 
 Between you and Providence you've pulled them 
 out of a hole. 
 
 Isabel {Holding out her hand to him) — Good- 
 night. And don't forget the advice you gave me 
 earlier in the evening, "sense of humor, you know; 
 sense of humor!" 
 
 Finlayson {Shaking her hand) — I need it! Good- 
 night. {He goes out C. E.) 
 
 (Isabel follows him into the hall. The outer 
 door is heard to close. Mrs. Perry goes out C. 
 to right.) 
 
 Isabel {Re-entering, goes slowly to the couch, 
 and sits, looking reflectively into space, ??iurmurs) 
 — "A sense of humor?" Is it worth it? "A sense 
 of humor?" 
 
ACT II 95 
 
 (Mrs. Perry enters C. carrying a small tray 
 holdinff Isabel's dinner.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Here's your dinner, dear. 
 
 Isabel {Spi'inffijig up) — Oh mother, why will 
 you spoil me so? {She brings a tiny table j places 
 it near the couch; Mrs. Perry puts the tray upon 
 it. They sit.) 
 
 Mrs. Perry — Well, I'd like to know who would 
 If I didn't! (Isabel slowly begins to eat. Mrs. 
 Perry resumes her tatting.) One — two — three — 
 four — five — loop. One — two — three 
 
 Isabel {Impulsively) — Oh, mother dear! If 
 that Is marriage, I don't think I'll try It! 
 
 {They are in each others arms as the Curtain 
 falls.) 
 
ACT III 
 
 Scene: The same as Act i, ten minutes later. 
 Tad is discovered curled up on the couch K., 
 asleep. He is barefoot, and in pajamas. Every 
 now and then a sob escapes him. Beside him 
 on the couch are a woman's nightgown, a 
 mans suit of pajamas, some books, newspa- 
 pers, sticks, stones, several bricks and other 
 miscellaneous articles which he has evidently 
 gathered together. Bong is seen to go up- 
 stair, then descend again rapidly, enter the 
 living-room, look about. When he sees Tad 
 he gives a gesture and grunt of relief. Tad 
 is disturbed, wakens, and begins to cry.) 
 Bong — ^Aw, what mailer you? You no cly. 
 Tad — Mama ! Mommer-r-r-r ! 
 Bong — She no home. She come soon. You come 
 upstairs, allee same go bed. Your mama, she come 
 soon. 
 
 Tad — I'm co-o-old — boo-hoo! I want my daddy 
 and my mommer-r-r! 
 
 Bong — You stop cly. I get bad man after you, 
 he kill you ! 
 
 r^^— Oh, I'll be good, I'll be good ! 
 Bong (Noticing the articles on the couch) — 
 What you do? What for you bling all stones, 
 
 sticks 
 
 96 
 
ACT III 97 
 
 Tad {Becojuinff interested) — Shuh ! You 
 mustn't tell! I'm playing a game^ — it's a awful 
 nice game. 
 
 Bong — Aw, what you mean, garnet I throw 'em 
 away — no good! {He begins to gather up the 
 articles. ) 
 
 Tad {Howling) — No — no! You leave them be! 
 I want 'em. You stop, you bad old Bong! 
 
 Bong — Aw, what mailer you? {Dropping the 
 articles) What you want? 
 
 Tad {Sobbing)— V\l—V\\ only be good— if 
 you'll give me another piece of pie. 
 
 Bong — ^Your mama, she say, no more pie. You 
 ve'y bad boy. 
 
 Tad — I will be bad ! — I will cry ! — I will have 
 some pie! 
 
 Bong {Relenting) — ^You be ve'y good boy, I 
 give you some pie? 
 
 Tad {With huge sobs) — ^Yes. 
 
 Bong — AUight. I give you small piece pie. 
 
 (Bong goes out C. Tad^ still sobbing, jumps off 
 the couch, and laboriously ties knots in the sleeves 
 of the pajama coat and the nightgown. Then he 
 gathers up as many of the articles as he can carry, 
 and hurries off with them L. into the Finlaysons' 
 apartment. 
 
 Bong re-enters with a slice of pie and a fork on 
 a plate. He looks about for Tad.) 
 
 Bong — Here, you Taddy-boy! Where you go? 
 Taddy! Taddy! 
 
 Tad {Running in L.) — Here I am! Where's 
 my pie? {Jumping up on the couch, and seizing 
 the pie) Oh, goody, goody! {He begins to de- 
 vour the pie, holding it in his two hands.) 
 
98 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Bo7ig {Offerinff him the plate and fork) — Here 
 — your mama, she like gen'leman. 
 
 Tad — I ain't going to be no gemplum ; they don't 
 have no fun. I'm a henian. 
 
 Bon^ (Sadly) — Aw, I t'ink you ve'y bad boy. 
 Bad man, he catch you, I t'ink. You go upstairs, 
 go bed. 
 
 Tad — Yes, I'm going soon; I'm very busy now. 
 {Stuffing the last bit of pie) Have you got any 
 more pie? 
 
 Bong — What for you want? 
 
 Tad {Evasively) — Oh, I don't want to eat any 
 more! I don't like stomach-ache any more than 
 5'ou do. I just thought — {confidentially) — say, 
 Bong, do you know what's a apple-pie bed? 
 
 5ow^— Bed? What bed? 
 
 Tad — Apple-pie bed. Did you ever see one? 
 
 Bong — Aw, I no know. What you talk? Allee 
 same clazy boy. You go bed. 
 
 Tad {Much worried) — Is the apple-pie bed a 
 real one? 
 
 Bong — Aw, yes, leal apple-pie! I got 'em for 
 tomollow dinner, ve'y nice, two apple-pie. 
 
 Tad {Alert)— Two pies? 
 
 Bong — Yes, allee same one-two. Now j^ou go 
 bed! 
 
 Tad {Softly)— Goody \ Goody! {With a 
 lordly gesture to Bong) Take away the plate and 
 fork. Bong, old man; I'm soon going to bed, but I 
 ain't sleepy now. 
 
 (Bong reluctantly goes out C. with the plate and 
 fork. Tad hurriedly puts some of the sticks and 
 other articles under the couch, then starts off L. 
 with the nightgown, pajamas, and the rest. The 
 
ACT III 99 
 
 door-bell rings while he runs, causing him to trip 
 and fall. He jumps up again, and goes out L. 
 
 Bong anszvers the doorbell, and admits Bea- 
 trice, FiNLAYSON and Allen. The two men sup- 
 port Beatrice. They seat her on the couch while 
 she gives forth various little moans and impatient 
 sounds.) 
 
 Allen — There, now you're all right, eh? 
 
 Beatrice (Crossly) — I don't believe it's a bad 
 sprain at all. It's just my nerves, all unstrung 
 by what I've been through this evening. 
 
 F inlay son — And it's all my fault, Bee. I hope 
 you'll forgive my fool joke. 
 
 Beatrice — Joke? — What joke? 
 
 Allen — That's what I say! It didn't strike me 
 as much of a joke. 
 
 Finlayson — I guess a sense of humor can be over- 
 cultivated. I think I'll drop it. 
 
 Beatrice — I don't know what you're talking about 
 — but 5/ou've been — queer, all evening! {Taking 
 off her hat and coat, Allen assisting her) 
 
 Finlayson — ^An over-cultivated sense of humor 
 blinds one to the truth. Here I've gone along 
 thinking life was a joke. Jane knows it isn't; she 
 takes it seriously. Now see what she's done ! {He 
 sits dejectedly by the studio table.) 
 
 Beatrice — I can't believe it of Jane — Jane, of all 
 people! Here I've gone placidly along, never sus- 
 pecting a thing! 
 
 Finlayson — Why should you? Suspicion disposes 
 kings to tyranny, husbands to jealousy — and wives 
 — heaven knows! 
 
 Beatrice — But Jane is my friend. We've told 
 each other everything lately — I don't see 
 
lOO TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson — I don't either! 
 
 Beatrice — Don't what ? 
 
 Finlayson — Don't see how you do It, you women ! 
 It's true — you are living all over the century at 
 once! 
 
 Allen {Standing C. scratching his head per- 
 plexedly) — About a century ago I came home In 
 the devil of a hurry to get out to a meeting. Did 
 I have any dinner? I can't remember. 
 
 Beatrice — How can you stand there and talk 
 about dinner, when poor Rod is In such dreadful 
 trouble? 
 
 Allen — Seems to me, only a short time ago, you 
 thought you were in trouble too. 
 
 Beatrice {Indignantly) — ^Whatever made you 
 tell me such an awful, downright lie? 
 
 Finlayson {Without changing his forlorn atti- 
 tude) — Is one lie any downrighter than another? 
 
 Beatrice — Yes, some are! 
 
 Allen {Turning on him excitedly) — I tell you it 
 wasn't a joke to me! It was an Infernal thing 
 to do — and you see where It has landed us ! 
 
 Finlayson — Where do you get that ''us"? 
 
 Allen — Well, I guess it's been "us" all evening, 
 hasn't It, until right now? Whose fault is it that 
 your boomerang has come back with some speed, 
 and floored you? 
 
 (Tad is seen to peer out of door L. then hastily 
 to shut it.) 
 
 Beatrice — Ned Allen, there's no need of your 
 adopting that high and mighty air. If you hadn't 
 come In as cross as a bear, it never would have 
 happened. We were all so happy! 
 
 Allen — Well — can you beat that? Where were 
 
ACT III loi 
 
 you, I'd like to know, when I did come home? 
 Gadding about 
 
 Fi?ilayson — I thought you'd settled all that in the 
 machine, you two. {With a wide sweep of his 
 ha?id) Now just forget it! — Where's Tad? 
 
 Beatrice — Tad ? 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, Tad! Why don't you give a 
 little time and thought to the real things? 
 
 Tad {Running hi) — Here I am! {^fie swings 
 joyfully on Allen's arm.) 
 
 Allen — Hullo, there! What are you doing 
 down here, you monkey? 
 
 Beatrice — Taddy! Whatever in the world? 
 
 Tad {Running to his ??iother, noticing her foot) 
 — Oh, mama! Deary! Deary! What's the matter 
 with your poor footie? 
 
 Allen — Mother twisted her ankle, Taddy-boy. 
 You'd best go upstairs. Bee, and get it fixed up 
 properly. As long as you won't have a doctor, get 
 to bed and rest it anyway. 
 
 Beatrice {Carelessly) — Oh, it's all right! I 
 scarcely feel it at all. Taddy, mother's boy, what 
 do you mean, staying down here so late? And 
 bare feet? {Feeling them) And so cold! (Tad 
 giggles.) I'm afraid you're very naughty! 
 
 Tad — No, I'm not. Truly, mama ! I was zist 
 as good! (Bong comes in C. E.) Wasn't I good, 
 Bong? 
 
 Bong {(Solemnly) — Taddy, he ve'y good boy. 
 He just come li'l while. 
 
 Tad — Mama, I'm not a bit tired. Couldn't I 
 help Bong? A tiny, tiny bit? 
 
 Beatrice — Bong is all through with his work by 
 now, dear. You all finished, Bong? 
 
I02 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Bonff — L'il more. I mix bread. 
 
 Tad — Oh, mama! Let me help. Please — 
 please ! 
 
 Beatrice — All right, if Bong is willing. 
 
 Bonff {Imperturbably) — AUight. 
 
 (Tad jumps up and down ecstatically.) 
 
 Beatrice — Run upstairs first, and put on your 
 warm slippers and bathrobe. 
 
 Tad — Over my 'jamas, mama? 
 
 Beatrice — Of course. Hurry! It's a wonder 
 if you haven't caught your death of cold. 
 
 Tad (Joyously) — An' make little biscuits in a 
 little pan, mama? 
 
 Beatrice — Yes, just this once, remember! Now 
 run along. 
 
 (Tad and Bong go out C. E., the former chat- 
 tering excitedly about the "little biscuits in the 
 little pan/' He runs upstairs, while Bong goes R.) 
 
 Allen — Is the boy to stay up all night, Beatrice? 
 
 Beatrice — *'A11 night!" How you exaggerate, 
 Ned! 
 
 Allen — I don't know what you call exaggeration. 
 The child has already missed two good hours of 
 his sleep. 
 
 Beatrice — It won't hurt him for once. 
 
 Finlayson — Have you ever noticed that word 
 "exaggeration," Ned? It stands for something 
 which when applied to us mere males is an appro- 
 brious epithet. The prefix f-e turns the use of it 
 gloriously into the superlative degree. 
 
 Allen — No, I never have! 
 
 Finlayson — It's one of the exceptions that gram- 
 mar never attempted to explain. 
 
 Allen — I never had any use for grammar. See 
 
ACT III 103 
 
 here, man, what are you going to do? Don't sit 
 there mooning over parts of speech. 
 
 Finlayson — What can I do? I'm waiting for 
 Jane. Seems to me, just after the universe tumbled, 
 she said she was coming home in a little while to 
 talk it over. 
 
 Beatrice — So she did! And there's so much to 
 talk over. {Lookiiiff about the room) Our furni- 
 ture and everything has got so mixed up. 
 
 Finlayson — Furniture? What's that got to do 
 with it? 
 
 Allen — For heaven's sake. Bee, is that all you 
 see in it? 
 
 Beatrice — Of, course not; there's lots more, but 
 you know perfectly well that I always have to say 
 what comes into my mind first. 
 
 Allen {beginning to untie one of his shoes) — 
 Unfortunately, yes; that seems to be your system. 
 
 (Tad runs downstairs and disappears R.) 
 
 Finlayson — It's a good system; I wish I had it! 
 So often what comes into my mind first is the 
 very last thing I would say; so I tuck it away 
 in some subconscious corner, and the world loses 
 a valuable truth. That's what I like about Bee. 
 (Beatrice^ self-conscious.) She never tucks any- 
 thing away. Now, if she thinks it's all a matter 
 of furniture and other material things between 
 Jane and me, why shouldn't she say so and be 
 done with it? 
 
 Beatrice (Protesting) — I never thought so at all. 
 Rod! Until you said that — er — queer, queer thing 
 to me tonight, I've always thought how perfectly 
 lovely you were to Jane. I'm forever telling Ned 
 about it. 
 
I04 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Allen {Growling) — Yes; which has the natural 
 tendency to make me love him with the passionate 
 ardor of a brother! 
 
 Finlayson {With a-'ushinff satire) — ^You over- 
 whelm me. It seems my fatal mission to break up 
 families ! 
 
 Allen {Fidgeting with his shoes) — Hang it, these 
 shoes are about killing me! Wait a minute, you 
 tv/o, while I run upstairs and get my slippers. Shall 
 I bring yours. Bee? 
 
 Beatrice — Yes, please. I'm surprised at your 
 shoes hurting you ! Would you like me to mention 
 the fact to the Professor when he takes up the 
 matter of my heels? (Allen glares his indigna- 
 tion; she continues placidly.) It would be a good 
 idea to get these things off. {Beginning to unlace 
 her other shoe.) 
 
 (Allen goes upstairs.) 
 
 Finlaysofi {Hesitating, then approaching Bea- 
 trice with his shoe-clerk manner) — May I help 
 you, Madame? 
 
 Beatiice — Please do. 
 
 Finlayson {Unlacing her shoe) — Please forget 
 that "queer, queer thing" I said, will you, Beatrice? 
 
 Beatrice {Self-consciously) — Of course, Rod- 
 ney! I shall never think of it again. I'll spend 
 all my efforts in reconciling you and Jane. {Senti- 
 mentally) That will be my martyrdom! 
 
 Finlayson {Amazed that she has taken him seri- 
 ously, finds it difficult to explain) — ^Well, you know 
 it was the one time in my life, I think, that I 
 adopted your system, and said the first thing that 
 came into my head. Of course, if — er — that is 
 
 Beatrice — I think my system is a very good one. 
 
ACT III 105 
 
 {Virtuously) It would be better if more people 
 adopted it. There would be more truth in the 
 world. 
 
 Finlayson — Don't you think that simple inven- 
 tion of the devil's, otherwise lies, would pop out 
 of some people's mouths instead of truths? 
 
 Beatrice — Maybe! But not out of your mouth, 
 Fin ! I have always regarded you as the soul of 
 honor. I'm sure I've always told Ned 
 
 Finlayson — Spare my chaste soul and my blushes! 
 Let's forget it! I can put it all very easily behind 
 me if you will ! 
 
 Beatrice — Shuh! Ned is coming. I'd perfectly 
 hate to hurt his feelings! 
 
 (Allen comes down bringiiig the slippers, Fin- 
 layson rises, and puts Beatrice's shoe beside the 
 other on the couch.) 
 
 Allen — Shall we leave on the bandage awhile? 
 
 Beatrice — Yes; just put on my one slipper. All 
 right; thank you, Ned. Why, you're quite atten- 
 tive! 
 
 Allen — Humph ! Maybe my lessons are sinking 
 in. {To Finlayson) Well, you ought to de- 
 cide on some plan to confront Jane with when she 
 returns to talk things over. How about it? 
 
 (Tad is seen to steal softly past C. E. carefully 
 carrying two pies, one of which he conceals behind 
 the portiere, the other he carries upstairs.) 
 
 Finlayson — Seems to me, I've done about enough 
 planning this evening. I'll wait and hear what Jane 
 has to say. I never knew her to go off on an 
 impulse. 
 
 Allen — Well you beat me, with your grammar 
 and your impulses! 
 
io6 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Finlayson — It's all a matter of how you decide 
 to live your life. I thought ours was all decided. 
 I thought I was living Jane's way. It was good 
 enough for me when I got used to it, but it turns 
 out that it wasn't what she wanted at all, so now 
 I'm going to wait and hear what she has to say. 
 
 Allen — I wish she'd get a move on then! 
 
 Finlayson — Now that I have been shaken out of 
 my groove I'm not going to be dropped back again. 
 I don't believe that wise old guy who said once 
 that "all novelty is but oblivion." I object to 
 that "oblivion" stuff. I'm going to remain in the 
 foreground of this affair. 
 
 Allen — Now you're talking! 
 
 Finlayson — Hang it, I don't know just what I do 
 mean ! But she's going to see me when she comes 
 in! I'll be right here, "center stage"! 
 
 {The telephone rings. All start.) 
 
 Beatrice — That may be Jane! 
 
 Allen {Answering) — Yes? Hello! — Yes, yes, 
 this is Allen speaking. — Why, certainly — I hate 
 to have you take that trouble. — Can't I send them 
 round? — Oh, very well, if you insist! — Good-by. 
 {Hangs up.) Isabel Perry says she's coming round 
 in a taxi to get her typewriter and other belong- 
 ings this evening. Now, isn't that a darned shame? 
 
 Beat?'ice — Perhaps, as things are, it's just as 
 well! 
 
 Allen — As things are, it's a damned shame, / 
 say! 
 
 Beatrice {Haughtily) — Well, Ned, if you will 
 be profane, I think I'll go upstairs. 
 
 Finlayson — And not wait for Jane? 
 
ACT III 107 
 
 Beatrice — Why? Do you wish me to? What 
 can / do? 
 
 Finlayson — I'd be glad to have you stay. 
 
 Beatrice — Very well. But — I must see where 
 Tad is and send him to bed. 
 
 Allen — Let me go. 
 
 Beatrice — I can go perfectly well, thank you. I 
 must speak to Bong about breakfast. {She rises, 
 Allen assisting her, and helping her toward C. E.) 
 I'm all right, Ned; you needn't come with me. 
 
 Allen {Coming back) — Just as you say! 
 
 (Beatrice goes out C. E. to right. The two 
 men stand in front of the mantel. Allen offers 
 Finlayson a cigar which he accepts. They smoke, 
 apparently forgetting their cares, as men do. Dur- 
 ing the ensuing dialogue Tad steals down the 
 stairs, peeps in C. E., takes the pie from behind the 
 portiere, assures himself that the two men are pay- 
 ing no attention to him, and runs softly down L. 
 into the Finlaysons' apartment.) 
 
 Finlayson {Pufjing meditatively) — It's a queer 
 old world, Ned. I'm inclined to think that the 
 crazy Dutch Professor is right, although he doesn't 
 know it! He hasn't got brains enough! 
 
 Allen — If I were in your boots at the present 
 moment I'd be scattering what few brains he has 
 on the nearest pavement ! 
 
 Finlayson — Oh, no you wouldn't! What good 
 would that do? Only make things unpleasant for 
 the passers-by. He's got hold of a few catch 
 phrases that please the women, and he's making 
 money out of them. You and I could have used, 
 not only those phrases, but also the things they 
 
io8 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 stand for. "Change?" Yes, "nothing but change," 
 he says, but that doesn't mean arbitrary change, it 
 means voluntary. Freedom and change have been 
 my watchwords; only, as I said earlier in the eve- 
 ning, I'm not spectacular enough; nobody pays any 
 attention to me because I don't hire a hall and ad- 
 vertise that I'm from Boston! 
 
 Allen — That's the reason I believe in smashing 
 things once in awhile. Just plain smash! It makes 
 them notice you. 
 
 Finlayson — That's the quickest way, of course; 
 only sometimes, in your haste, you smash the wrong 
 person. My way isn't so "qvick, speedy," but it's 
 pretty sure to win out in the end. 
 
 (Tad steals in from L. and hides under the 
 couch.) 
 
 Allen — Well, I don't have time to reason out 
 all this dope. I tell you when a man's chained to 
 his office desk for ten hours a day he doesn't have 
 much time for 
 
 (Beatrice comes in hastily, limping,) 
 
 Beatrice — Have you seen Tad? 
 
 Tad {Under the couch) — Yoo-whoo ! — Tweet! 
 Tweet ! Yoo-whoo ! 
 
 Beatrice — Dear me! I hear a little bird under 
 the couch! 
 
 Tad (Crawling out, and ecstatically jumping at 
 his mother) — Oh, mama, it's so nice when you're 
 home! 
 
 Beatrice — Taddy ! Careful — careful ! 
 
 Allen — See here, son, no rough-house! Remem- 
 ber mama's foot! 
 
 Beatrice — Now run away upstairs. Tad, and go 
 to bed. Mother doesn't have to come. Just take 
 
ACT III 109 
 
 off your bath-robe and slippers and jump into bed. 
 Good-night, mother's boy. 
 
 (Tad hugs his mother, and starts toward C. E.) 
 
 Allen {With pretended injury) — Well I like 
 this neglect! (Tad rushes to him and jumps into 
 his arms, giving him a bear-hug.) Good-night, 
 daddy. {Seeing Finlayson watching him, he 
 jumps into his arms next.) Good-night, Uncle 
 Rod. {Kissing him on the right cheek) And 
 here's one for Aunt Jane. {Kissing him on the 
 left cheek) 
 
 Finlayson — Thank you, Taddy. Good-night. 
 
 (Tad runs toward C. E.) 
 
 Beatrice — Oh — Tad! {He turns.) Don't for- 
 get to say your prayers. 
 
 Tad — I did say 'em — twice! 
 
 Beatrice — Twice ? 
 
 Tad — Yes, once to Bong, and once to God. 
 {Whining) I don't have to say 'em again, do I, 
 mama? They know what I want. 
 
 Beatrice {Choking) — Very well, Taddy; twice 
 is enough. Run along! 
 
 Tad {At C. E.) — I want a drink of water! 
 
 Beatrice — Bong will take you a drink of water. 
 
 Allen — Want daddy to bring it? 
 
 Tad {In alarm) — Oh, no, no! You wait for 
 mama. You have to help her. Come up soon, 
 mammy ! 
 
 Allen {Laughing) — All right. Good-night, old 
 man. 
 
 (Tad goes reluctantly upstairs.) 
 
 Beatrice {Laughing) — Tell Bong to carry up a 
 glass of water to your son, Ned. 
 
 (Allen goes out C. E. to right.) 
 
no TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 F'mlayson — There's not much chance for stagna- 
 tion while Tad is around. 
 
 Beatrice — I suppose I spoil him terribly — but 
 what is one to do! 
 
 {The doorbell rings. They look at each other 
 questioningly.) 
 
 Finlayson — I suppose I'd better answer that. {He 
 goes out C. E. to left.) 
 
 (Allen and Bong appear C. E. coming from 
 the dining-room. Bong car?'ies a glass of water. 
 Allen motions for him to take it upstairs. Allen 
 remains C. E. Finlayson is heard talking to 
 someone at the front door.) 
 
 Allen {Cnlling) — Come in! Come in! 
 
 Parker {Outside) — No thanks, I'd better not. 
 
 Allen — I insist. I want to talk to you. 
 
 Parker {Enters with Finlayson. The three 
 slowly come into the room.) — I thought Mrs. Allen 
 would need her purse which I was carrying for 
 her in my pocket, so instead of phoning I brought 
 it right around. {He hands Allen a small hand- 
 bag. ) 
 
 Allen — Beatrice, Mr. Parker has brought your 
 purse. 
 
 Beatrice — Oh, how good of you, Mr. Parker ! 
 Why, I hadn't missed it! Do come in. 
 
 Allen {As Parker still hesitates) — Yes, come in; 
 there's something to talk about. 
 
 Finlayson — Come in. The majority rules! 
 
 Parker {Stiffly) — Very well, for a few minutes; 
 although I can't see what good can be gained by 
 talking. I hope your foot is feeling easier, Mrs. 
 Allen. 
 
 Beatrice — Thank you, I hardly feel it at all now. 
 
ACT III III 
 
 Allen — Sit down. I just want to tell you that 
 you're away off on the wrong tack. Fact is, you 
 know, there's nothing to it. You've got the best 
 girl — and — (Parker looks indignant.) — Hang it, 
 Fin, this is your job! Talk to him. 
 
 Finlayson {Shrug gin ff his shoulders) — ^When a 
 man gets into Parker's state of mind mere words 
 don't do much good. He wants to believe the 
 worst. 
 
 Parker — I'll be glad to hear what you have to 
 say; not that I think it will change my attitude. 
 Not in the slightest degree. 
 
 Beatrice — You mustn't feel like that, Mr. Park- 
 er. We are all subject to change, and 
 
 Allen — Oh, Lord! Better let Fin do the talk- 
 ing. Bee. {They sit.) He's an expert in that line. 
 
 Finlayson — I'm in the position of the unfortunate 
 person who was introduced by the gushing hostess 
 as the funny-man of his community. Nothing could 
 be more conducive to a free flow of wit and wis- 
 dom! 
 
 Allen — It's never any trouble for you to air your 
 views. 
 
 Beatrice — Oh, Ned! You're positively rude! 
 
 Finlayson — "And rudeness must be met with 
 rudeness." Dry up, Ned ! You gave me the chair. 
 What I was going to say is this. Parker's in a 
 state of mind when "seeing is believing," but he's 
 seen the wrong things. Now, any minute Miss 
 Perry may be here; and I propose that Mr. Parker 
 just calmly sit in that big chair by the fire where 
 he will remain unnoticed while we entertain Miss 
 Perry in the studio. {Indicating the left side of 
 the room) Thus he can 
 
112 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Parker — Do you mean I am to eavesdrop? (£;c- 
 citedly.) 
 
 Finlayson {Calmly) — Not at all, not at all! 
 You can't help it if she doesn't notice you. Just 
 at present you appear to have broken off diplomatic 
 relations with Miss Perry, and as there will be 
 several witnesses to her conversation there will be 
 no secrecy. You have been rather poor at seeing, 
 but you may hear something to your advantage. 
 {The door-bell rings.) No doubt that is Miss 
 Perry now. 
 
 Beatrice {Excitedly) — It may be Jane! 
 
 (Allen goes to the front door.) 
 
 Finlayson — It doesn't much matter which ar- 
 rives first. Here, Parker, sit down here, will you? 
 Resign yourself to the court of arbitration! {He 
 turns the chair with a high hack facing the fire, and 
 Parker dejectedly does as he is told. The lights 
 are subdued on that side of the room.) 
 
 (Isabel comes in with Allen C. E. She looks 
 doubtfully at Beatrice.) 
 
 Beatrice — Come in. Miss Perry. I do wish you 
 wouldn't take away your things! It was all my 
 horrid temper that caused most of the trouble. 
 Couldn't you forget it now and make friends? 
 I'm terribly sorry. I'm sure your mother thinks 
 I'm a perfect cat ! 
 
 Isabel {Frankly) — Of course, I'll forget it, Mrs. 
 Allen. Naturally you believed what was told you. 
 
 Allen — It was the most idiotic nonsense I was 
 ever mixed up in. {Looking from his wife to 
 Isabel) The idea of my thinking you — that is, of 
 course^ — I mean to the right man you are — {becom- 
 ing hopelessly confused) 
 
ACT III 113 
 
 Isabel {LaugJwig) — I know all you would say, 
 Mr. Allen. No explanations are necessary — you 
 have been too good a friend to me for that. {She 
 and Beatrice laugh.) 
 
 Finlayson — Then that settles it. Your type- 
 writer, your easel — all the junk remains here, the 
 same as usual, eh ? 
 
 Isabel — You are all very kind to want me, but 
 I think I'd better please my mother in this. I'll 
 not be with her very much longer, you know. 
 {Beginning to pack up her things) 
 
 Beatrice — Oh, indeed? 
 
 Isabel — She is very anxious to have me at home 
 during the next few months. 
 
 Finlayson — And then what? 
 
 Isabel — I can take in work there, you see, just 
 as well, and then — {Consciously, turning to 
 Allen) — if plans work out as we thought earlier 
 in the evening, you know I told you I would be 
 married. 
 
 (Parker starts up, then subsides.) 
 
 Allen — You haven't changed your mind, then? 
 
 Isabel — ^Well, this is a sort of clearing-up meet- 
 ing, isn't it? I might as well be frank. I've 
 changed my mind twice this evening! 
 
 Finlayson — It's the great privilege of your sex. 
 
 Isabel — An hour ago I was so angry with Syd 
 that I never wanted to see him again. {Again 
 Parker starts up, but controls himself. Beatrice 
 saunters, humming, in line between his chair and 
 Isabel.) Half an hour ago I told mama I'd stay 
 with her forever! Then these last few minutes 
 I've thought how perfectly ridiculous and childish 
 it is to allow a slight misunderstanding over noth- 
 
114 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 ing at all to spoil our whole lives. We must be 
 cured of such nonsense! 
 
 Allen (Glancing at Beatrice) — Sensible girl! 
 
 Finlayson — Fine ! 
 
 Allen — Have you that letter of recommendation 
 with you that I gave you awhile ago? 
 
 Isabel {Producing it) — Yes. 
 
 Allen — ^Would you mind if I sent it to him 
 myself? 
 
 Isabel — Oh, no, not at all ! The pleasure is gone 
 now in the birthday present. 
 
 Beatrice — Whose birthday? 
 
 Allen — Shuh! {To Finlayson) Give it to 
 him. {Motioning toward Parker) 
 
 Finlayson {Taking the letter from Allen) — • 
 Um-hm ! 
 
 Beatrice — So you expect to be married this sum- 
 mer? 
 
 Isabel — Yes, If Sydney makes good in his new 
 position. 
 
 (Parker springs up, and is confronted by Fin- 
 layson. Isabel looks indignantly at Allen and 
 the others, but is reassured by Allen.) 
 
 Allen — Don't be angry! This is part of the cure. 
 
 Finlayson — Mr. Parker, earlier in the evening 
 this ^'billet doux" was entrusted to a charming 
 messenger to deliver to you, but a series of mishaps 
 befell it. Now it has come into my hands, and 
 before it causes any further trouble I think you 
 would better take possession of It. 
 
 Parker {faking the letter) — But this is ad- 
 dressed to Miss Perry. 
 
 Finlayson — Probably you will find that it has a 
 double envelope. 
 
ACT III 115 
 
 Parker {Opening the letter , finds that there are 
 two envelopes. He reads the name on the inner 
 one.) — That means me, all right! {Opening the 
 letter, he reads, his expression changes, he looks at 
 Allen.) Carroll-Seymour! Mr. Allen, I have 
 you to thank for this! 
 
 Allen {Sfiiiling at Isabel) — I had only a little 
 to do with it. 
 
 Parker {Awkwardly approaching him and 
 Isabel) — I've been an awful fool tonight, Isabel. 
 
 Isabel — Many happy returns of tomorrow, Syd! 
 Let's forget tonight I 
 
 Parker — You're a corker, Isabel. {He stands 
 awkwardly before her, then turns hastily to the 
 others, and shakes hands all round.) Is there 
 anything I can do around here? 
 
 Isabel — Yes, help me to pack up these. 
 
 (She and Parker gather her things together.) 
 
 Finlayson — You are determined to move, are 
 you? 
 
 Isabel — Yes, I must. 
 
 (Finlayson and Allen assist with the packing, 
 Beatrice sits on the couch.) 
 
 Finlayson — I am going to miss my little secretary- 
 art-student terribly, 
 
 Beatrice — Now, if it had been you she — er 
 
 {Catching herself up) Taddy will miss you too, 
 dreadfully! 
 
 Isabel — ^Yes, dear little Tad! I shall miss him. 
 He must come to see me. He and I share loads 
 of secrets. 
 
 {The door-bell rings. Everyone looks at the 
 other nervously. Allen answers. Finlayson 
 plants himself in front of the fireplace.) 
 
ii6 TRIAL MARRIAGE ^ 
 
 Isabel — Hurry up, Syd 1 We must go. 
 
 Parker — Everything seems to be here, eh? Have 
 I got 'em all? 
 
 Isabel — I think so. {Her arms and Parker's 
 are full.) 
 
 (Allen enters. All are expectant. Jane en- 
 ters. She talks back into the hall.) 
 
 Jane — Oh, do come in a moment, Professor, 
 and help me explain our plans! They are all here. 
 That makes it so much nicer! Come in — come in! 
 
 Professor S. {Appearing C. E.) — If you insist, 
 Madame. 
 
 Jane — Won't you take o£f your coat? 
 
 ( The others, meantime, are bidding Isabel and 
 Parker good-night.) 
 
 Professor S. {Shrugging) — It iss not vorth vhile, 
 dear ladee. I remain so leetle time. 
 
 Jane {Gaily) — Well, good people, it's all 
 settled. {To Isabel, who is in a great hurry) 
 Oh, don't run away, Miss Perry ! Why, I didn't 
 expect to find you here, Mr. Parker! 
 
 Parker — It's a surprise to me also, Mrs. Fin- 
 layson. I am helping Miss Perry to move. 
 
 Jane {Surprised) — Well, do wait a moment and 
 hear our plans for the big meeting. 
 
 (All sit except Finlayson. After some in- 
 decision he comes forward and determinedly places 
 a chair C. for the Professor. The latter thanks 
 him effusively, and sits. Finlayson remains in 
 front of the fireplace, smoking furiously. Isabel 
 and Parker still hold their parcels.) We are to 
 make use of the same hall. On second thoughts we 
 concluded it would be large enough, eh, Professor? 
 
 Professor S. — Qvite large enough, I t'ink. 
 
ACT III 117 
 
 Jane — ^Although we do want to plan this espe- 
 cially for men, there's no disguising the fact that 
 it is hard to attract them along the lines of the 
 Professor's chosen subject. 
 
 Parker {Trying to be conversational) — What is 
 the subject to be? 
 
 Beatrice {Falling again under the glamour of the 
 Professor) — Yes, couldn't you give them a little 
 idea of what it is going to be ? 
 
 {The Professor looks enquiringly at Jane.) 
 
 Jane — I wish you would. 
 
 Professor S. — It iss widout precedent dat I do 
 diss — yet vat can I do, ven it iss for you, Madame? 
 My idea for dees lecture, it iss necessaree dat I 
 put all in vone, as it vere, so I begin mit a few 
 t'oughts on der not'ingness off der potentiaree plas- 
 mogen. I ondertake to explain how useless iss dees 
 in der eferyday life off dees period! 
 
 Parker — Very interesting, I'm sure! 
 
 Professor S. — Den — by natural consequence, ve 
 come to der pleonasteec tendencies off der Kosmos, 
 making, as it vere, so mooch — how shall I say? — 
 (you see, I haf not my notes) — so mooch disturb- 
 ances between der mens and dee vomans. 
 
 Allen — Here's where I begin to catch on! 
 
 Professor S. {Glad to see his interest) — ^Yes, 
 Mistair Allen, it iss dat so great cosmotheteec force 
 which ve, only so few off us, like Madame Feenlay- 
 son and meinself, {Adding as an afterthought) and 
 off course, Madame — er — {Indicating Beatrice) 
 dees little ladee here, who can anteecipate der years, 
 and make off dees a new eera. 
 
 Jane — It's going to be splendid, combining so 
 much in one lecture! Oh, how fortunate we are! 
 
ii8 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 Beatrice — I'm crazy about It ! 
 
 Jane — Then how will you sum up, eh? 
 
 Professor S. — Sum up? How you mean, Ma- 
 dame? 
 
 Jane — What will you finish with? 
 
 Professor S. — Oh, I see! Vy, my dear ladee, 
 der sum total iss vone grand idea — ze t'ing for 
 vich feefty years hence ve lif 
 
 Jane {Smiling) — Yes, go on — you'd better ex- 
 plain to them further. 
 
 Professor S. {Turning to Allen) — I am sure 
 you haf seen der need off dees change, Mistair 
 Allen; eef not here in your so charming household, 
 den in dose around you. 
 
 Allen (Brusquely) — Yes? To what do you re- 
 fer? 
 
 Professor S. (Solemnly) — To der Trial Mar- 
 riage, Mistair. It iss my most dearly cherished 
 dream off der iuture. 
 
 (There is a subdued stir amongst all his listenerSj 
 except Jane^ who appears to be enjoying herself 
 hugely.) 
 
 Isabel (Hastily) — Sydney! We really must be 
 going ! 
 
 Parker (Moving suddenly, drops one armful of 
 parcels) — I'm with you. 
 
 Isabel — Oh, dear, now see what you've done! 
 (Going C. E.) Well, good-night, once more. 
 Come along, Syd! (She goes out.) 
 
 Professor S. (Detaiimig Parker a moment) — I 
 hope to see you and dee so charming ladee on der 
 Monday efening — er — Mistair — I haf not your 
 name. 
 
 Parker (Abruptly) — My name is Parker. 
 
ACT III 119 
 
 Thanks, I'm sorry, but I expect to be out of town 
 about then. Good-night all! {He goes out hastily.) 
 
 ^//—Good-night! 
 
 P?'ofessor S. {To Jane) — I t'ink I also must 
 now go. My vife, she haf asked me to stop by 
 der pharmacee for some coughing syrup for dee 
 babee. 
 
 Jane — Baby? 
 
 Beatrice — Baby ! 
 
 (FiNLAYSON starts.) 
 
 Allen — What's that? 
 
 Professor S. — Ah, my tiny leetle vone, dee babee, 
 she haf a bad cold taken. 
 
 Beatrice — Why, I didn't know you were mar- 
 ried. 
 
 Professor S. {Holding up his hands) — Oh, so 
 mooch married, my dear ladee! I haf der five — er 
 — {Motioning as though his children were a stair- 
 way, touching the head of each above the other) — 
 how you say? Steps! One — two — three — four — 
 five — der grand Americain cheeldren! 
 
 Finlayson {Suddenly coming forward, a gleam in 
 his eyes) — Very interesting, I'm sure! And Ma- 
 dame StaticmuUer, how is she? 
 
 Professor S. — ^Ah, dee good home-maker! She 
 iss dere in der house. I t'ank you she iss veil, ve'y 
 veil. Dat iss, as veil as vone can expect — of 
 course, you onderstand — der cares off a familee ! 
 
 Finlayson — Yes, I think we all see plainly I How 
 does it happen. Professor, that you, who are ap- 
 parently so happily situated, make it your life work 
 to preach, "change, change, change"? 
 
 Professor S. — Ah — er — Mr. Feenlayson, is it not? 
 Yes — er — mit der great idea, it iss enough dat it 
 
I20 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 iss born in my brain. I gif it forth, Mistair — it iss 
 enough! I am exhaust! It iss to others I look 
 to lif my idea, Mistair Feenlayson — to others I 
 look to lif! {Hastily) Good-night, I must go! 
 It haf been so great pleasure, I assure you, to meet 
 all in dees happy, happy home! 
 
 ( (Vith elabo7'ate bows to All he goes out C. E., 
 followed by Jane. The others si?ik down in vari- 
 ous attitudes of surprise, Allen and Beatrice 
 looking at each other fixedly. Then Finlayson 
 begins one of his paroxysms of silent laughter on 
 the couch.) 
 
 Jane {In the hall) — Good-night, Professor. It 
 was awfully good of you to take so much trouble. 
 {There is a murmur from the Professor.) Oh, 
 yes, we'll all be there ! Good-night. 
 
 (Jane reenters. She stands in the doorway sur- 
 veying them, then peers around to see what Fin- 
 layson is doing. He is speechless. Allen and 
 Beatrice^ not seeing hiin, regard Jane with in- 
 dignation.) 
 
 Beatrice — Well — I'd like to know what you have 
 to say for yourself, Jane Finlayson ! 
 
 Ja7ie {Softly)— A^rW Fools'! 
 
 (Finlayson's laughter breaks out audibly. He 
 leans hack in the corner of the couch and laughs 
 until he is weak. Jane seats herself L. in the big 
 chair, and regards him with assmned wonder, then 
 begins to laugh. Allen and Beatrice fidget 
 about the room indignantly.) 
 
 Beatrice — Well! When 5^ou have quite finished, 
 you two! 
 
 Allen — Next time I miss an Indoor Yacht Club 
 meeting, for such damned nonsense, you'll know it! 
 
ACT III 121 
 
 Finlayson {Gasping) — That is my one regret, 
 Ned! {He struggles up, and approaches Jane, 
 trying to assume a masterful air, but failing ut- 
 terly.) What do you mean, Madame? What do 
 you mean, I say? 
 
 Jane {With pretended meekness) — I was trying 
 to develop my sense of humor, Rod. 
 
 Finlayson — Well, you succeeded all right, old 
 girl. YouVe got us all beat a mile! 
 
 Jane — Thank you. That's high praise from you ! 
 I am encouraged to continue. {Looking about) 
 Has anyone seen my book? I left it here earlier 
 in the evening. {She searches for it.) 
 
 Allen — Come along, Bee; I'll help you upstairs. 
 {They start, taking Beatrice's wraps.) I move 
 that we strike this fool night off the calendar. 
 What do you say if we forget it? 
 
 Finlayson {Joining them, with Jane, near C. 
 E.) — I'm willing! I began it, so I'll finish it. I'm 
 sorry ! 
 
 Beatrice — Why — I don't think that. Rod! I'm 
 sure if Ned hadn't come in as cross as a bear 
 
 Allen — Shuh ! {Stopping her mouth with a kiss, 
 he hurries her off upstairs, she protesting.) 
 
 Jane {Gaily) — Nobody began it. It was all 
 just an inevitable part of the dear Professor's po- 
 tentious pleonastic tendencies! In plain language, 
 "change, change, change!" Good-night. (Finlay- 
 son regards Jane azvkwardly, not knowing what to 
 say to her. She continues to search for her book,) 
 I wish I could find my book! I want to finish a 
 chapter. 
 
 Finlayson — Maybe it slipped under the couch. 
 
 Jane {Looking under the couch) — Whatever in 
 
122 TRIAL MARRIAGE 
 
 the world! {She draws out a b?'ick d?id some 
 sticks.) Some of Taddy's tricks, I suppose. Oh, 
 here's my book! (Rising) 
 
 Finlayson {Solemnly) — Oh, I forgot! I have 
 been entrusted with a gift for you. Tad left you 
 a kiss right here. {Indicating) You may take it 
 now, if you like. 
 
 Jane {Solemnly) — Thank you! {She kisses him 
 carefully on the spot indicated. Then he catches 
 her in his arms, and holds her close for a moment. 
 Then Jane^ with a contented sigh, draws away a 
 little.) Did you really care as much as that, Rod? 
 
 Finlayson — I cared a whole lot, Jane. Next time 
 you must give me warning when your sense of 
 humor is going to take a flight. 
 
 {Loud laughter comes from the Allens up- 
 stairs. ) 
 
 Jane — Something seems to be funny. Will you 
 put out the lights. Rod? {Going toward their 
 apartment L.) Oh, I'm dead tired! 
 
 Finlayson {Beginning to put out the lights) — 
 Yes. 
 
 Bong {Appearifig C. E. fro7n the dining-room, 
 glances in) — I put out lights. 
 
 Finlayson — All right, Bong. Good-night. 
 
 {He goes out L. The laughter from upstairs 
 continues. Tad's shrill voice is also heard. Bong 
 pokes the fire. Then laughter comes from the 
 FiNLAYSONs' apartment. Bong turns from the 
 fireplace in wonder. Down the stairs come the 
 Allens, Tad capering after them. Allen is in 
 his shirt-sleeves, Beatrice in kimono and slippers, 
 her hair down. Allen carries an apple-pie aloft, 
 and his pajama suit, tied in knots, over his arm. 
 
ACT III 123 
 
 Beatrice carries her nightgown, and several sticks 
 and bricks. Sticks are protruding from the sleeves 
 of the nightgown.) 
 
 {From L. come the Finlaysons. Rodney cai-- 
 ries his pie on his head, and In each hand a brick, to 
 balance, while his pajama coat, ivith knotted sleeves, 
 hangs over his shoulders like a cape. He also is in 
 his shirt-sleeves. Jane is in her kimono, and wears 
 her nightgown over her^ shoulders like a cape. 
 She carries some books and sticks. When all see 
 each other, they become quiet for Tad's benefit, 
 and march solemnly around in a circle, while Tad, 
 in pajamas, and barefoot, capers wildly about, 
 shouting.) 
 
 T^^— April Fools'! April Fools'! 
 
 (Bong regards them solemnly from the fireplace 
 as the CURTAIN falls.)