Qass Book Co/ THE HOLE IN THE WALL J FARCE, L\ TWO ACTS. n BY JOHN POOLE, ESQ. 4UTH0R OF HAMLET TRAVESTIE. Ifrom the first London edition, of 1B13.] NEW-YORE : PUBLISHED BY D. LONGWORTH, At the Dramatic Repository, Shakspeare-Gallery . Dec. 1813. /-A ,^- fREFA€E. III an af^es, and in every civilized state, the ?>rama^ with rcgarii to its infiueace over the happiaess and the morals of society, has been considered as an object so worthy ot* attention, that the greatest staiesmen^ the ipost profound philosopLei-s, nay, even the aiost rigid divines, have occasionally applied their talents to — Pshaw i that won't do ; to be serious about a ^ce I lis absolutely impossible. — Yet one must write soniethmg to look like a preface, ^f eii, then :^ No one ever sat dovi^n to write a farce with a thought in his head about a discriminating and just posterity ; about fame and her trumpet : or about a monument, of mr. FLAXivf AN, or Westnainster-abbey. To glide down to immortality upon the stream of reputation, and catch its breezes with a steady sail, requires a weightier ballast than a few farces ; the most your poor devil of a farce- writer hopes, is, to be allowed to paddle about a little time on its bosom, keeping clear of its muddy banks, yet never losing sight of sliors. Now let me tell you, mr* jEi^KiNS, that tis no easy matter to do even that. To drop the metaphor, else, to be candid, twill drop me ; considering, therefore, the 'ittle reputation that is to l}e gained even by the most sue etissful farce, isn't it hard that any one should endeavor it abridge it ?— — — Thank'e, mr. jenkins ; you are complimentary* But then the plot — how they abuse my plot ! one critic says tis like the plots of the last thousand and fifteen farces ;ail about iove and courtship, and that it ends la marriage. Now, I say tliat, old or new, tiiia is the 4 PREFACE. best subject in the world for a farce : besides, ^ farce ought to end in marriage ; — for beyond it there's no joke, by Jupiter ! I believe it has escaped general observation that, in the greater number oi'Jarces, the principal personages are lovers : husbands and ivives are reserved to *' point ** the morals" of serious comedies, or tragedies ! now that's very odd ! but I think I can account tor the distinc- tiou ; for, in ray opinion, but as it may chance to spoil my fortune with you, miss*** I'll keep my opinion to myself. Another critic says, that my plot is like the plot of the Pannel. — — From Hyde-park corner to my friend mathew's cottage on the king's road, is a distance of about three miles. — Very true, mr, jenkins, this maj^ not look like an illustration yet, but I'll make a very good one of it be- fore I've done with it. The toll-taker at Hyde-park-corner will tell you, that you are not obliged to go aleng the king's road, — you may go to it through Brompton. Now, mr. jenkins, we'll mount our horses, — start from Hyde-park-corner, I'll take the king's road, you go through Brompton, in half an hour we shall meet at oui friend's cottag<^ ; there we are. Now, sir, though the object of our journey has been the same ; though we set out i'rom the same point, and both travelled on horseback, yet you will not afr.rra that we both passeu over th3 same intermediate ground. No ; I came through Brompton, you along the king's road. Then I have established my position : for though the Pannel and the Hole in the JVall boia begin with the dis- covery of a moveable wainscot, ?a\\\ end with a aurriage ; yet as the intermediate business of the one, duTcrs totally from that of the other, they being as dissimilar as Bromp- ton and the king's road,aur the moveable pannel being used as araeansof concealfn,^nt in the first-named piece, and as a means of commuaicating in tiio second, it cannot be said that the plots of the two pieces are alike. FREFACt. A But, aRer all, though I contend that the plot of the Hole in the Wall is unlike the plot of the Pannel, yet I do not mean to assert that it can boast of much novelty ; much less would I presume to suppose that the piece al- together poj^sesses a degree of merit proportioned to the success it has met with ; for I am convinced that a worse piece — — if a worse could be found. I'll adopt your amendment, mr. jenkins — I am con- vinced that a worse piece, if a worse could he founds sup- ported, as this has been, by so much professional talent, eaald hardly have failed. 1. 2 Old stubborn, Capt. Courtney, Martin, Jeremy, Snapall, DRAMATIS PERSONS- DRTJRY-LANE. NEW-YORK. Mr. Yates — Carpender ■— - Hilson — Pritckard — Jonesi Mr. Lovegrove — J. ff'allack — Knight — Oxberry — Maddocks Mrs. Latchet, Mrs. Sparks Emily, — Orger Fanny, Miss Kelly Mrs. Hogg — Darley — Oldmiron THE HOLE IN THE WALL, A C T I. f€ENE — two adjoining houses — the house on the rights mrs. LatcheVs — that on the left, old Stubborn* s, enter, from old Stubborn' s, martin. Bless my soul ! Pve been in this cursed village three days, and if I remain in it three days longer I shall cer- tainly die of the vapors. My master, mr. Stubborn, is at perfect liberty to indulge himself in his odd whims, but he must not expect me to submit to them. A pretty freak indeed ! to leave London in June, when no per- son of the least fashion or consideration even thinks of the country till November ! had it pleased nature to have made me a cabbage or a cauliflower, I might, per- haps, have vegetated in this insipid place w ith tolerable composure. Eh ! here comes Fanny. Except eating, the society of that girl is the only rational enjoyment I Slave. enter, from inrs, LatcheVs, fanny. Fan, Well, Martin, here I am. Mar. Yes, I see you are. But, pray, what have yoa l^een doing at mrs. Latchet's, after our master's positive injunction, that not one of our family should have the least intercourse with her ? Fan. That must remain a secret, till 1 know whether you are rogue enough to be trusted. Would you put isfty pounds into your pocket ? Mar. Ay ; or a hundred, upon compnlsion. Fan. Then be wise and they are yours. Mar. Then fortime and merit, after having been at variance for centuries, are, at last, going ^o shake hands. But I say, Fanny, are the iaeaacii, IN THE WALL it Fanny. So rijiking, . that it would be difiiciilt to dis- tinguish one i'rom the other, were it not for the remark- able dissiinilarlty of their manners : for while Emily is al! ease and simplicity, Flirtilla is all vanity and affectation. Mar, Excellent ! but are their voices alike ? Fanny, In tone, precisely ; but Flirtilla, having lived a great deal in the tashionabie world, has acquired that low-life, high -life, mode of speaking ; [wAtnicking) that drowsy, drawling, drivelling yaw-yaw, manner, with mouth half open, and eyes half closed, which stamps the person of fashion, and which seems to have beeij invented hy a club of fools, who, as the only way of con- cealing their folly, were compelled to render their con- versation aniiuelligible. That's it— 'pon my honor. Mar, Then Emily shall personate her ;— but fly ?— here comes old Stubborn ; PJl explain all presently. Fanny, V\\ g® and prepare Emily for the pai L [exit Fanny Mar, And now, mj okl boy, we'll show you some. play. enter stubborjj. Well, sir, no wonder poor Jeremy was deceived, Mr*. Latchet has brought her niece Fiirtilia with her from Lon^ don,-~it was she whom Jeremy saw at the window. Egad, she is so like her sister Emily, that, had it not been for the difference of her dress and manners, I could have sworn Emily had been before me. Stub, Fiirtilia with her ! why then its all as clear as the sun ; I knew all along Jeremy had made a blun- .der ; I was sure Emily wouldn't play me such a trick : there's the effect of educatioD, Martin ; Emily, who lias been brought up under my care, is a nice, steady, pretty, bewitching, o bless her ! but Flirtilla, who has passed all her life with mrs. Latchet, is a vain, affected, iancifrd, o 1 curse her ! Mar, Ah! poor mrs. Latchet I we had a long talk i bout you, sir. Stub, And what did the old animal say ? Molt, ^iie means to break your heart ; ghe has cut tou^ B 2 15 THE HOLE [Poole air ; she says that she followed you her«, not for the mere pleasure of beholding your beautiful face, but to gain consent to the union of her niece Fiirtilla and captain Courtney, who has suddenly tallen in love with her : and as for you and Emily, she has done with you both for ever. Stub. Why didn't you tell me this before, my dear Martin ? I shall go wild with joy, I shall, o ! then, Emily will marry me to revenge herself upon her faithless cap- tain. Mar, Yes, she'll cut off her nose to be revenged of her face. Stub, And do you call marrying me, cutting off her nose, and be damned to you ! and the old woman, in des- pair, of obtaining me, will give me back my written prom- ise. Well, Martin ; 1 think we may now cry '' victory," for fortune seems to have taken up the cudgels for us. [exit Mar, And if fortune will but trust her cudgels into mj hands for a short time, Pll give you a dressing with t^iem to your heart's content. [exit SCENE HI — a room at mrs, LatcheVs. enter mrs. latchet, captain Courtney, and martin. Mrs. hat. I approve of your scheme in part, Martin : but I dont know what to say about surrendering the written promise. Mar. It will be the means of throwing him more off his gaanl. madam ; and V\\ undertake that he shall mar- ry you without it. Ca-pt. C. Whatever you do be expeditious. Mar. Make yourself easy, sir, — you have nothing to do but disclaim all regard for Emily ; feign a sudden alfoction for Fiirtilla ; sigh, look sad, and s^vear your- self black ; tiiat's easy enough, you know, sir. Mrs. LaL But should, mr. Stubborn desire to see feotli sisters at the same timt. Mar, Leave that to mc^ Aet I] liV THE WALL 19 Mrs. Lat. The deceiver 1 but he shall marry me though he doseu't deserve me. Look at me, captain ; mail) women not possessed of half my charms, and old enough to be my grandmotheis, have married young hnsb;inds : but mr. Stubborn who is as old — I mean as middle-aged — as myself ; — well no matter. Capt. C. Now, Martin, our hopes rest upon you. Mrs. Lat. And remember, you have undertaken to reclaim my renegade. Mar. If I fail may I be stript of my livery, and follovr the plough for the remainder of my life. I'll now creep back through the wail, and prepare my master to meet the high lady of fashion, Flirtilla. Miss EmiSy is to make her appearance when I cough. [exeunt severally SCENE IV — the front of the houses as in thejirst scene. enter martin and stubborn, /rom Stubborn* s, Stub. Give me joy, Martin, give me joy. In three days niy brother will be here, and on the iourtii the captain shall marry Flirtiila, and I'll marry Emily attiue same time. Mar. The devil you will, (aside) If you waH four *ia)i^, 1 trem)>le ibr your success, in that time Emily may etfcct, vi^hat we must, by all means, endeavor to prevent. She may obtain an interview with the captain end reclaim his aSeetions. Stub. So you think Fliitilla does not like him. Alar. I'm certain she dosen't : and, a word in your ear, — the young devil is over head and ears in love with you. Stub. Impossible ! Mar. So one would think, sir- {looking at him sig- nlficanfljj) Stub. Not at all ; nothing more likely ; I'm not to be sneezed at neither. Mar. (aside) Apropos ! talking of sneezing reminds fae that it's time to cough, {coughs) Stub. See, Martin, here comes that cargo ©f fashiOB aiid folJ^' from JLondoa, Flirtiila. ;^t THE HOLE [Poole rnler emitv, as flirtilla, dressedin ihsvery extrentc offasfiion^ and assuming a tone qf voice and a manner excessively affected, Emily, Ah ! ray dear mr. Stubborn, I am overwhelm- 4=d with joy at seeing yon. — Ten my honor you look monstrous v%eJl ; I suspect you rouge', rouge, you know, ig getting in with the gentlemen. Stub. Miss Flirt iila, I rejoice— Emily, Apropos ! talking of rouge, how is my sister Emily ? dosen't use it I know, trusts to nature, forlorn hope ; nature does pretty well sometimes, but nothing equal to this — -real parisian ; nature knows nothing about idshionable complexions ; tints mawkish and insipid, or Tt v!i;garity in her coloring quite disgusting ; her milk maid'complexions, indeed, are assez bien, as you say. Stub. I say ! I haven't even thought of a milkmaid these twenty years. EmUy. Apropos ! I think— — eh ? what was I going to fM7ik 7 oh ! ah ! very true, I wish Emily had a little jif my spirit and animation. Stub. I wish the devil had it all I Emily, Tis every thing to a girl with a tolerable face ; it sets her off to the best advantage ; she strikes, L>lie enchants, she over-powers, she heigho 1 Mar, Mark that, sir. Stub. Egad I I believe you're right, Martin. Emily. Now might 1 but confess ! one look, one sm»le, one sigh — Cupid ! hearts ! darts ! Mar. Ah ! dont let her seduce you, %\v. Stub. Never fear me : I'm an old bird ; she sha'n't put salt upon my tviil. Emily. Oh, sir, pardon my confusion ! Stub. Stand out of the way, she's going to pop the qiiestion. Emily. You must perceive the conflict which agitates my l>osom ; resign, my sister Emily, and save, oh ! save, a fond fcitiaie i'rom distraction, {kneels) Stub. Here's a pretty situation for a young damon of sixty ! madam, it grieves me to decline so distinguished jm ofJ^r, bat our temners, our habits Act [] IX THE WALL 21 Emilij. Oh, sir ! you shall fAMl me anj tiling; you desire ; I'll change *' irom gay lo grave, irom lively to severe." — \^{\ei\ in London, if you object to my having card-parties, Til be content to give uaasqaeradts ; sli aid my bails ami concerts be uapieasaat to yon, Ml suifer yon to go to bed at eight o'clock whenever 1 give them. S-ub. Vastly acconnnodating f Emily, Then in the country we'll be amiably pasto- ral, you a'Damon, J a Phillip ; purling streams, riiral con- certs, nightingales, linnets, erovvS, ravens, cuckoos, jack-^ daws, caw -caws. Stub. Martin, she's craekrd, g')ne, march hare. Mar, A little touchi^d I'm airaia, sir. StxLb, Exe;:3e ine, madam, but 1 neither like ladies of tmi i^QT pastoral ^hiihses. ETiVdy. Then excuse kip, sir, biit I have set my heart upon having you, and I wlji have yoa. Siiib, Fslic^.v ! nonsense! madani, yon ccmpel me ta declare that 1 not only, damn ciicnirdGculion ! 1 hate yoi;. — I think she can't misiinde'stHnd that. Emily, Hear tliis thou outraged god of iO^e ! I, young, amiable, and beaiitiUil, to be rejected by a~~ — bvX. I'll be revenged ; VW^ rrtarry the captain, and his happiness^ shall be so mych ciy c^ire tliat yon sitall die of env^y and remorse. mrs. LATCH ET and captain couetney appear — EmHy^ joins tkem. Stub. Ha ! ha ! ha ! so be it. Now, if I dont inake her marry h\m instantly, she may start some new whira and refuse bin!. Now, Martin, run to the post-olfice and see if there be any letters tor me. Mar. I lly, sir. [exit Mar tin, {Mrs. /.atchet, captam Courtney, a7id Emily adva7ice) Em'dy. Come, my dear Edward, let us thank mr. StubbDrn for his kind consent. Capt. C, In giv^ing nie the hand of my Fiirtilla, sir, jou have rendered me happy for life. Stub, (aside J For life ! then he intends to hauj; him* iejf before the honeymoon is over. -2 THE HOLB: [Poole 3Trs. Lot, Tiie wretch dosen't dei-n to notice me » Stt^b, O, the devil ! she's here.— Ecod, VW take cour- age ; I irmst spring the mine some time or other, so the sooner done the bettor. Mrs. Latch vvhoo !— -I have got the inatch in my hand, but expect so tremvsn- dons an explosion tiiat I'm atrai^i to fire the train.— jVIrs. Latcliet, madam, to please, you I have granted the re- quest of the young people there, and in return I trust you Will not refuse in inc. Mrs.Lat, (aside) Oh! then I have wronged him. ^ir, I can refuse you nothing ; spare my blushes ! but, if yo'I wish to marry me, oh, sir ! say it at once. Shib. faside) An amorous old fool ! madam, ! have nothing to request ])ut that you will return me ih^ prom- ise I gave you ; Igaveitin a moment of youthful in- discretion, and Mrs. hat. Brute ! perfidious wretch I and am I to bpj made the sport of your caprices ? but I lijive done withi you ; yo'i need not fear any more of my tender reproach- es, you villain ! take back your broken promise; there, ! discard you for ever ! {throws a paper at fiiin) Stub, [tearing it) Huzza ! huzza ! now, captain, h^r^ ing broken my own chains, Pll rivet yours. You and Flirtilla shall be married within an hour ; and, on my brother's arrival, you shall witness my marriage with Emily. * enter MARTi^^glves a letter to Stubborn. CapL C. xMartin, all has succeeded, and we shall be united within an hour. ^"^tar. Bravo! I'll announce the glorious intelligence to '^f^J ft, • . . [ealttoSiubborn's Stub, [having read the letter) So much the better. Here is a letter from my brother ; listen : (reads) ** Im- *' portaut busine^;s detains me in London ; so do not wait ** my arrival, but many your ward, Emily, immediate- ** jy.'* Emily. O heavens ! then we are lost ! Stub. So, my dear Flirtilla, I'll go to the attorney ia tk?, vj»3ao;e, order him to prepare the contracts hismcdi- Act I] IN TIIS WALL 23 ately, and delay your ninrriage till the erf ning, when we'il make a double wedding. [ejiit Capt. C. Confusion ! we're undone ! Eimly, Our project is iVustrated. Mrs. Lat. And my marriage more distant than erer. But I see how it is, that viilain Martin has betrayed us, Ca'pt. C if I thonght tiiat, the scoundrel should pay dearly for it. enter martin, leading on fa^ny with an air of triumph. Mar, Now, Fanny, for a brilliant reception. Ccpt. C. O you rascal ! Emllu. The traitor has rained us. Mrs. Lat. Let "us hang the villain on the door-post, Capt C. {draws) Confess, or I'll run you through the body. Fanny. Why, Martin, is tliis our brilliant reception ? Mar. Be quiet ; can't you take the joke ? Capt. C. You abominable rascal 1 ruin us and call it a joke! but I'll Mar. Hold, sir, pray ; one word, are yon serious ? Capt. C. Serious ! tihis is no time for jesting ; the let- ter you gave old Stubborn was from his brother ; he gives him permission to marry Emily iustantly, and the old fel- low has determined on a double marriage this evening. Mar. Then we're nailed up ! but do not doubt m^ probity, sir, for I've done all in my power to cheat my master. Fanny. For my sake spare him, sir, at least till we have been married a month or tvro. Capt. C. No, tlie rascal shall suffer. < Mar. Mercy, sir, mercy I if you kill me I shall certain- 1 Ij die upon the spot. Capt. C. Well, for the present you may live. 3Iar. And that's no easy matter as times go. Capt. C. But upon condition that vou help us out of ithis difficulty. Mar, (aside) Would I were at Constantinople I sir, 1. iiave it, tis your ©nlr hope, follow my example, run 24 THE HOLE [l^oo^ Capt, C, Confusion ! but he shall riot escape thus, {fol- lojving) Mrs, Lot. Kill him, captain, by all means. Fanmy. idetainmg him) Sir, sir, \^ ould you follow him iFito mr. Stubborn's bonse ? should he return and find you there, eveiy thiog would ineyitabiy be discovered; as !t is, we may yet hope to deceive him. Now, miss, go to mrs. Lotchet's* change your diess, and return ia- striBtiV, thro5jgh the panneL to your own apartment. Ca'pt C. Now, Fanny, our hopes rest upon you ; en- deavor to prevail with Martin to rejoin us ; promise him any tldns:, every thing. Famw, Never fear, sir; in love, ?s in politics, when a j^rntl'.'man is generous, and has a w( tnan in his interest, there is not any thing he uiay not hope to accomplish. [exit into Stubborn' s—mrs . Latchet, Emily ^ and capt, Courtney^ into mrs. LatcheVs, END or THE FIRST ACT. ACT n. SCENE — Stubboi^'s garden, JEREMY discovered at work, Jer, Ay, Jeremy's a blockhead, and Jeremy's a drunk- ard, and Jeremy can't see clearly! when I sail I fiee'd tliem'ere traitors together this mornhig, they told me as h \v I was drunk ! now I wasn't (irnnk, tliough I confess I might have been what thev call a little funny ! well, wc shall see who is right by and by. Periiaps, now, I dont see three people together, who, as the vulgar say, are as thick as three in a bed. Here they comes ; but I won't listen ; no, listening is paltry work, asd Jeremy's an hy::\^ orabl*^ man. I'll just rest myscH behind that 'ere trei , and, if they should talk so loud that 1 can't help hcanni^ them, why it will be no fault ofpiine. [I'es down behini a tree) Act II} IN THE WALL '2^ erUer emily, fanny, and MARTirc. Mar. No, madam, I must resign. Acting as prime minister to two young lovers is a dangerous employment. Fanny. But, Martin, for my sake Emily, And, consider. Martin, i^you abandon u^.— - Mar. Indeed, madam, Pd ratlier youM tbrm your ad- ministration without considering me. Emily. But, Martin ; we can't succeed without you. Mar. Sorry for it ; must take care of myself. Emily. And Martin, wear this ring for my sake. Mar. O, madam ; my duty to you is paramount to every personal consideration. Y^^sidfe) In politics nothing succeeds so well as a little coquetry. Fanny. Now, have yon a scheme ready cut and dried ? Mar. A scheme I a thousand \ Emily. What's to be done ? Mar. That first scheme of mine was too extraordinary SL hit, that it is the pivot upon which all our future pro- ceedings must turn. Fan. Then, miss, return to your chamber, be ready to resume the part of FUrtilla at a moment's notice; and through the means of that disguise, we may yet de- ceive your guardian. {Jeremy comes forward) Jer. I have accidentally overheard ail your plans ; but dontbe afraid. Mar. {coyifused) Afraid ! oh, no ! you're a man of too much honor to Jer, Very true ; Jeremy is an honora^ble man. I scorns a paltry underhanded trick, so I gives you all fair notice, as how 1 shall instantly tell my master all I knows. lexU {they look at each other for some time in consternation) Fan. Martin. ^rMar. Fanny. Emily. We are lost. Mar. We are sewed up ! but, stay — {to Emily) does old Stubborn know your sister's hand writing ? EmiJij. No. C 26 THE HOLE [Poole Mar. Nor yours ? • Fan. Never wrote him a billet in all my life. Mar. Then we may yet be saved ; a letter shall save us. Emily. But tlie discovery of* my disguise. Mar. Shall be turned to our advantage. Emily. What do you intend ? Mar. Briefly this — but here comes the old scoundrel and the young scoundrel with him. [StuboGrn and Jeremy appear listening) Emily. We are observed. Mar. So raucli the better : beg ray assistance ; do you take ? be pathetit. ^ Emily. Save me, Martin I protect, assist me I see me kneeling at your feet. Fan. Oh, Martin, be not blind— deaf, I mean, to our entreaties, {they kneel.) Mar. Rise : I can resist no longer, go and prepare a disguise ; I have promised to assist you, and I will con- quer or perish in the attempt, (softly) Now, Fanny, come and write a letter which I'll dictate to you. lexeunt (Stubborn and Jeremy come forward J Jer. Now, sir, 1 hope you're convinced that Martin, the man who does all your odd jobs, your tetotum as you call him, is a rascal. Stub. Oh, this world ! this world I Jer. [aside) Now, if I could but vrriggle myself into Martin's place ! well, sir, I say nothing ; but you may thank Jeremy that you are not made the dupe of one of the most complicated pieces of villany that was ever conceived by the heart of man. (aside) There ; when preferment is to be gained by eloquence, I believe men become orators by instinct. Stub. I always thought him honest. How could he impose upon me, who am an acknowledged physiogno- mist. Jer. Now I, who am no physmy — hem ! I always knew him for a rogue. Stub. But I'll overthrow their rebellious schemes; Til 0011 found their politics. Act II] IN THP: wall 17 Jer. Ah ! you'll find them too mnch for you. Now lot me advise you, sir. Stub. Hif'.v dare yon talk of advisino: me ? I ^eSy^ Ibem and all their works. O I here comes llie knave ; i'lJ work him for this. Jer. You know what an artful tongue he has ; now, ■ ke my advice Stub. Damn the fellow, he'l! smother iT^s with his ad- vice. Will you close those damned jaw;^ of yours? do you tiiink I'm to be deceived. enter MAKTiK, Mar. (aside) We'll try. O, sir ; Fve been looking for vo;i high aud low. Stub, Here's a shameless rascal. Mar, I have been just in time to u Horn a^ plot that ^lub. Ay, ; you're a faithful, trusty fellovr. Mar. Now you know Iliate to be praised. But fis- ten, sir. Stub. You tea-fold traitor ! you constellation of rogue- ry ! leave my house ; quit my service. Mar. Amazement ! at the moment v« hen I come to nii^ you a signal service. Stub. O thou — but I'll hear him out for the joke of ,2 tiling. /tor. Fir&t take this ring, sir; I received it of miss niiy as a bribe to deceive you. But tis yours, sir; you are to many miss Emily ; her property ought then lo come onirapaired into your hands, and heaven forbiii tirat I should touch one sixpence of it. Stub. Why this looks like honesty: oh! I kuC / all along he was honest. Jer. He's as great a rogue as Alexander tlie - Stub. But come, Martin ; what of the plot / Mar. First tell me one thing, sir. Is it true you in- tend to bring the sisters together, and make a dcublo wedding? Stub. This very hour. Mar. Fire, water, and the other el- ^nents ! v/hat i 2^ THE HOLE [Poole knack these women have of turning every tiling to their own advantage ! read tiiis letter, sir, which Fhrtilla has contrived to get delivered to Emily. Stub, You dout say so! how could she manage to do that ? ^ ^ Mar. That *s the mystery, sir ; well, tis a hard thing to suspect any body, but — {looking signijicaiitly at Jeremy) how d'ye do, leremy ? Jer, vV'hat does he mean by that ? Mar. Read the letter, sir ; read the letter. Stub, (reads) " My dear Emily, your guardian is de- •* sirous that I should mairy your lover, captain Court- ** ney ; I have tV'ig:n€d coosenl ; but lam determined to ** many your guardian, nun noae but him." — ~0 the little n>i»:ue ! ** arid none but hiin : tor I think he will ** very soon be knocked oil" the hooks, and boxed up !'* knocked oil' the hooks and box^^d up ! all, there's the secret of inr at!<:ilion for me this morning ; come, I like that. Mar. You see, sir, she's the finished lady of fashion. Jer. Master, you ahvays said as how y@u'd be buried under tlie large mailbenv 4:re€^, and that I should have the pleasure of burying you. Stub. What ! in compliance with the rage for ama- teurs, you want to be an amateur undertaker, I suppose. Mar. Read on, sir ; the cream of the joke is to come. Stub, {reads) " As we are to be married at the same *' time, we'll exchange dresses and counterfeit each oth- ** er's manners, so that, old Stubborn, being deceived, *' he'll give you to your old lovei', captain Courtney, '* and marry me himself; yours, Flirtilla." O the sor* ceress 1 so, this is the disguise that blockhead Jeremy told me of. Jer. My old master is in a bad way, I see. Mar. Now you see it all, sir, Emily gave me this let- ter, Vriiich she got the lord knows how ; by the by, we must pump Jer«my upon that subject. Stub. True, slie might have bribed him. Jer. So, after al), Tm to bo the rogue, and he the hou* eisl aaau. « Act II J IN THE WALL 2d Stub. Horra thick headed fellow may confuse a plain story ! Jeremy overheard your conversation with Emily, and* came to me with a blundering hodge-podge tale about treason and plot — — Mar, No, sure ! you surprise me. Stub, Why, according to Jeremy's account, one v, ould have thought you the greatest knave in existence. Mar, What, I, sir ? well ; Jeremy may be a very clev- er cabbage cutter, but he certainly is a bad judge of character. Jer, Lord have mercy ! what a hypocritical, canting fellow ! he's a perfect Judas. Mar, Well, Jeremy, I forgive you ; though you have wronged me, you've shown your zeal for our master. Now, dont be angry with him, sir ; what can one expect of a poor, foolish gardener ; a poor dolt, who passes one half of his time in sowing turnips, and the other in dig- ging them up again ! Stub, Well, I forgive him. Mar, And I forgive him. Jer, O, I shall go mad ! now take my advice, sir — • Stub. Advice, again! Martin, knock him down. Mar, Now, Jeremy, you know I'm a dutiful servant, take the hint and go away. Jer, That fellow has some reason for wanting me to go, so here I'll slick. Mar, I believe that cursed gardener means to takf) root here. Stub. Now, Martin, let's consider how we may defeat those conspirators. Mar. You have only to prevent their seeing each oth- er, and to put into execution your first immortal project of getting that giddy, wavering Flirtilla, raarrie^l out of hand, to that detestable foot-soldier. Stub. Ay; the first thoughts of a great genius are al- ways the be?t ; it shall be so : I'm as immovable as st, Paul's. Mar, {aside) Then vre're safe at last. Stub, Stop; — I've a better sciteme in my head. C 2 2^ THE HOLE [Poole Mar. (aside) I wish that prolific head of his »vere under Jeremy's miilbeFrv-tree. - Well, sir ? Stub. My iirst step shall be to marry Emily m -elf. Mar. Dead and buried ! Stub. You admire ray scheme, eh ? Mar. Prodigiously. But why ? Stub. It shall be so : I'm safe then at all events ; and I expect the attorney here instantly with the papers, rea- lty for signature. Mar. A thunderbolt ! Jer. I can tell by Martin's physmy — hang the word, that my master's doing right. I say, Martin, we two hon- est servants vv ill make a holiday on the occasion. Stub. Martin, you rogue, keep my secret, and you shall gee tli€ biter's bit. Yod'H relish ttiat : won't it be mon- strous fine ? ha 1 ha ! but why dont you laugh ? see how Jeremy laughs. Mar. He, he, he! I can't laugh any more ; I'm quite exhausted. Oh ! curse their hcud-hearted mirth ! Stub. Now, come, Martin ; come, Jeremy ; we'll go in and prepare. Tm so pleased that I could laugh till this time twelve-months. [exit Jer. Comf, honest 3} artin. [exit Mar. I'll break your bones, yon potatoe-digging rascal. Ruined, beyond hope ! the most amusing thing I can do is to hang myself. But hoh ! I'm not at my wit's-end yet; and Til be hanged if I hang myself till f am. I'll make another trial ; so tremble nia:^{er of mine, for the widow shall yet be yours ; the captain shall yet marry Emily. I'll marry Fanny, by way of parenthesis, and, as for Jeremy, oh ! it's qiiite shocking to think of the re- venge ril take upon that rascal. [ecait SCENE II — tke two houses as before. enter fanny and martmh, from Stuhborn*s. Mar. Now, Fanny, you sp-ethrcag:' it at once. Fan. Yes, clearij ; but why / Mar. We have no time for ^vl >y*s, for here ho comes ; Jeremy is in our way, and we iuuj>t destroy Stubborn-? Act llj IN THE WALL 3i confidence in him. Now, slap ray face, but not very hard, iind run into the house ; and, when I cough, return with Et Aiy. Fan. There rar. Honesty, take that, and tell tales again. {^he Haps hisface, and runs into Stuhborn^s house as ks u C07, ing out) Mai . Oh, lord ! oh, lord t enter stubborn. Stub, Why — why — what's the matter here f Mar, The matter 1 feel my cheek, sir ! Stub, 1 dont understand you. Mar. I dont know how you should. Fanny has just given me such a slap o'the face, that nothing less than a practical illustration could give you an idea of it. Stub. How dared she do that ? Mar. Because I was honest, and gave you the letter Flirtilla sent to Emily, Stub, And who told her y^u did ? Mar, Dont ask me, sir. Stub. I iasist upon knowing. Mar, When & man has establi.^ied a reputation for honesty, tts hard to be obliged to overthrow it. No. sir, friendship prevails over duty, and I v\'0uld not expose Jeremy for the world. Stub, Jeremy 1 Mar. O no, sir ; did I say Jeremy ? Stub. O teinpora ! o mores ! Mar. O Jeremy ! however, sir, as you know so much, Ton may as well know all. Jeremy is over head and ears in love with Fanny ; and, with a view to gain her fa- vor, has betrayed us, and exposed our plans. Stub. A treacherous hopocritical rascal ! Mar. Really, sir, when I reflect Tipon the deceit and villaay that is practised in this world, I am almost tempt- ed to' fly to a desert, a»d end my days among honest li- ons and unsophisticated tigers : animals that dont profess one thing and mean another, but ingenuously roar, and candidly swallow one alive. 32 THE HOLE [Pool Stub, Ho^v unfortunate that they should discoyer our plans I 3Iar. But we're even with them, sir, for I have dis- covered theirs. Jeremy has undertaken to procure Emi- ly an interview with the captaiti : upon this spot, and about this time, they are to meet for the purpose. Stub. We must prevent that, Martin. Mar, Tis done, sir ; I've locked the garden-gate upon Jeremy, and here's the key of it. Stub, You're a treasure, Martin. Mar, {aside) Now for it. {coughs) Here they come, expecting to find Jeremy. Stub. A thought strikes me: instead of Jeremy, they shall find me. Mar, Whfit an immense head you have got, sir. An old jack-ass ! enter emily and fanny. Fanny. Now for our faithful Jeremy, madam. Emily. I hope we shall not be discovered together by my guardian. Fanny. Or his faithful servant, the lynx-eyed Martin. Stub. Ladies, your most obedient very humble ser- vant. Emily, {affecting surprise) O heavens ! my guardian I Fanny. Lord ha' mercy ! my master ! Stub. Dont accuse Jeremy of want of gallantry, ladies ; this little instrument {shoixs the kee) prevents his waiting upon you. Jer. {without) Miss Emily, Fanny, master, Martin, I can't get wit. Mar. D'ye hear him, sir ? tis well I locked the gate. Fanny. Monster! I'll match you for this. Mar. For shame, Fanny ; to seduce Jeremy from his duty. Emily. Alas ! I raivst submit to my fate. Fanny. I'd submit indeed, with a plague to it. How- ever, it ivill be your own fault if you are not a widow be- fore the honey moon is over. Stub. O yon young spirit of rebellion ; but come, my wffe that Is to be, V\\ secure you in your chamber till the Act li] IN THE WALL 33 contract is ready for your sig;irdt are ; and your accom- plished second shall accompany you. Fanny, One word, sir— I— i—i— oh ! 1 only wish you were my husband. Stub, Ha, ha, ha ! they're at their wit's end ; but come my pretty innocents. {^exeunt into Stubborn' i Mar, Now prepare the captain and iBrs. Latchet. \_exU into mrs. LatcheVs enter jereuy ---^tvbbors folloiving with a horse-whip, Jer Oh, sir, spare me, spare me ! Stub, There, you rascal ; now plot against me another time, Jer, Indeed, sir, Vm as innocent of it all as a sucking pig. I know that cursed Marthi Stub, Yes, honest Martin has exposed you. Jer, You'll suffer for this in the end. Stitb, But I kno^v your tricks now. Egad, you're a pretty t'ellcw for a lover, thoiigh I Fanny has won your pumpkin of a heart, eh ! Jer, Fanny ! oh ! I see how it is. enter isiartii^, from mrs, LatcheVs, cautioudy. Mar. (aside) Oh, oh 1 he has caught it, I see. Well* iir, we're safe now. Stub. Yes, yes ; we shall do now, Martin. Jer. Once more, sir ,* Jet me advise you. Stub, Advise again ; Pil horse whip you again, sir- rah, Fanny, [at Stubborn- s window) Sir, if you think Jer- emy deserves another flogging, I'm sure he'll take it with pleasure, for my sake. Stub, An excuse to look for the capt?iia. Shut that window, hussy. Jer. (going) Well, if he likes to be cheated, he may. Stub. Stay you here, sir : that fellow wants to be at his plots again. *• Jer^ It's all over with him. Now take my- hem ! Emily, {at Stubborn' s windoiv) In pity listen to zue^ 34 THE HOLE [Poole Fanny. Pray, sir, consider my poor mistresses situation. Stub. Pray ladies shut tliat windovr, or Pll shooLyou. {theij retire) Mrs. Lat. {at Iter own window) Mr. Stubborn, onee more f give you warning, that 11' you dont keep your word with me, PU past you all overLondon. Emllrj, {as Flirtilla, atmrs. LatcheVs window) I must see my sister — 'pon my honor. Capt. C. O, let me once more see my poor Emily. Fanny, {at Stubborn' s, as if calling to Emily) Madam, quick, — here's the captain. Stub. Down with that window, {she retires) Alar. Here comes mr. Snapall, the attorney, sir. Stub. Then all is safe. Now, good people, prepare, for here comes tlie executioner, {they retire) enter snapall. Stub. Welcome, my dear sir ; now, now, now for the pci-pers. Sjiap. Here they are : but, in your haste this morning you forgot to give me the names of the ladies. Mar. {whispers him) — Mum ; the ladies themselves will give 'em. Snap. Shall we go and execute the contracts, sir ? Stub. For certain reasons, sir, I must remain fixed to this spot, go ril do my part of the business here, {aside) That will effectually prevent Emily's seeing the captain^ Snap. Then here is pen and ink, sir. This is the con- tract of your marriage with your ward; tiiis forthemar« riage of the other lady and the captain. Stub. Pll first secure my , ov7n happiness ; Timothy Stubborn ; {signs) there. Now, sir, take this key, go to that room, and th^.re you'll find my dear intended, with her attendant. There, that's the jade. Fanny, {at the window— as if speaking to Emily) O, madam, it is all over with us. Stub. She may refuse to sign at first, but you must make her do it. Snap. She's to marry you ; if I can't make her sign to a bad bargain, then Pm no lawyer. [cxii into Stnbbor7i''.s Act II] IN THE WALL :35 Fanny, [mthin) O, madarn, I'd rather die than sign. Mar. O, that terrible woman ! Jer. Before it's too late, now take my advice. Stub, Get out of ray way, or I'll knock you down, rascal. Simp, {at Stubborn' s fvindow) The lady refuses to sign, sir. Stub. If you dont sign that instrument this moment, I'll deprive you of every shilling of your fortune. Snap. That has had the effect ; tis done, sir. Stub. Then I'm the happiest man alive : embrace me, Martin, tol de rol. enter sn apai,i, from the house. Snap. Now, pir, for tlie captain and his fair one. You must first sign your consent to their marriage — here. StiU). {signs a paper J With all my soul, there ,* you will find them at that house. [exit Snapall into wrs. LatcheVs Fanny. May we come down, sn*. Stub. Ay, instantly ; for I'm impatient to embrace my bride : and here, Jeremy, as I know you like to be busy, take this key, and conduct the ladies hither. Jer. Well ; but its your concern. [exit Jeremif Stub. Egad, Martin, my boy, if you like the widow, bow's your time ; she has got the bit. Mar. {aside) You'll find she's got the bridle. Thank'e, sir ; but Fanny and I are going to make each other hap-* py : besides the widow is on the point of marriage. Stub. The devil she is ! what, then, she has been do- ing all this to deceive me ? Mar. So you'll find, sir : but here she comes, to speak for herself. enter jeremy, fanny and mrs. latchet, the eontrait in her hand, from Stubborn's. Jer. You had better have taken mj advice, sk. Stub. What do I see? 36 THE HOLE IN THE WALL. [Pool^ Mrs.Lat, Penelope Arabella Latchet, jour lovinf wife. Stub, What does this mean ? am I in my senses ? where is Emily ? 9nter,frommrs,LatcheVsy capt. Courtney anc?EMiLr Emily, Here I an), sir : the same Flirtiila you ?* Hiigailiintly rejected this morning. Stub. V\\ not believe it : TJl s\vear I conversed with yon at that window ; with Fliililla at the other. Fanny. V\\ explain it all, sir. This morning, in miss Emily's apartment, Martin discovered a hole in the wall, opening to mrs. Latchet's. We have availed ourselves of it in the way you see ; and miss Emily has alternately appeared as lierseK, and as Flirtiila. Stub. So Jeremy is the honest man, after all. Mar. Yes, sir ; and I the rogne, at your service. Stub. I shall ^o mad I what am I to do ? Jer. Why, take my advice, sir. Stub. O, damn yoar advice. Caiit. C. It will add to my present happiness, sir, to know that I possess your friendship. Mr?. Lat. My dear, we shall be very happy together I ]}on one condition. Stub, Any thing for a quiet life. Name it. Mrs. Lat. I must have every thin;; iny own way. Stub. Well, we must a!l make* ourselves as happy we can ; but that source of all evil,* that cursed ^^ the wall, shall be blocked up. Fanny. Hold, sir : against that decree I appeal to our friends here ; and, I trust, tiiey will allow the hole in the n^all to continue. THEtND OF THE HOLE I?? tHE WALL- LB '20 Hi ^j. Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: April 2009 PreservationTechnologies A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 111 Thomson Park Drive Cranberry Township, PA 1 6066 (724)779-2111