s. Murphy's ^appointment Riant Studio Jersey City, N. J, RIANT GUILD Promoters Newark and Baldwin Avenues Jersey City, N. J. Mrs. Murphy's Disappointment SKETCH By Walter Smith Griffith Riant Studio Jersey City, N. J. ^: (V)pyri.iiht (i;n4) by Walter Smith Griffith. All rishts reserved. "I^AR 21 1914 GADDIS BROS., Printers n04-10 Baldwin Ave Jersey City 0)of.D 36431 Mrs. Murphy's - Disappointment. Dramatis Persona. Will Murphy, just painter; later, con- ^ tractor. Mrs. Murphy (^lame), wife of the "conthractor." Tony Rocco (barber;, native of Italy. yirs. Rocco (Carmelita), New York- er, wife of Tony. SCENE 1. (Courtyard surrounded by tenements; two washtubs on a bench ; Mrs. IMurphy and Mrs. Rocco hard at work w^ashing clothes ; Tony Rocco seated on another bench, facing them, struming softly on a mandolin.) Carmelita — Was that your husband came home so late this morning, IMrs. Alurphy ? jMame — No wonder vou heard him; 15 he was soused with mixed ale — loaded up while playing pinochle over to Cas- ey's. Tony — Why him no getta da pint? Mame — He says it tastes tinny out of the can. He likes scoops. Lita — Tony, when wil we be ready for the sketch ? Tony — Stoppa chewa da rag — prac da steppa — getta da move ; Bil gotta da sketch write. Mame and Lita — All right. (vScamper to front of stage and dance to Tony's accompaniment.) \ (Just as they are finishing dance, enter Will Murphy, half soused.) Mame (jumping at him) — What are you doing home at this hour in the day, Will Murphy? Will — No more sky painting for mine! I nearly fell off the ladder this morning. I don't want to see him yet. Mame — See who? AVill— The devil. 16 Maine — It yoird keep sober yon ^vouldn't fall off the ladder. As for the devil, you'll see him very soon if you don't reform — you'll have the wiUies. Will — I ain't anxious. Say, Mame, I knew yon were a creamy waltzer, but what kind of a whoop-'em-up do you call that? Lita — That is the dance we do to make them take notice. Mame — That is your classy point for publicity. Lita — That gets the rapid news item. Tony — Draga da screama from da pape. Will — Ohl So we take the family along. I don't know about your going on the stage, Mame. You are too good looking. Mame — Look here. Will ^Murphy, if you think I am going to have you gad- ing around the country drinking scoops with those chorus fairies youVe got another puzzle solution. 17 Will — The chappies wil be there ! Oh, you Reno Special. Tony — Stoppa da fight. ^Manie — I am going to have a new hat and i)air of shoes this pay if you have to go without anything to eat next week. Will (trying to look wise) — All right. Mame — And I ought to have a pair of stockings (pulls her skirts to her knees, showing big rent in her stocking just below the knee). Just look at that hole. Will — The hat and the shoes are all right, but the stockings, nit. I'm the only one sees the hole, and I aint kick- ing. Tony — Singa da song (softly com- mences refrain). Lita — Yes, we want lots of practice. (Will sings "No More for Mine.") 18 No More for Mine. When T get over this horrible feehng, Never again ! Xever again ! I wonder what's that funnv sliape a- stealing Across the walk ! Across the walk ! Great Casey, am I getting the batsies? Sure, sure, I am, as sure as old hatsies. Oh, dear me, what a lot of queer ratsies ; Never again ] Never again ! No more for mine ! No more for mine ! Chorus : Mil 'em up again, ]\like. fill 'em up, Fill 'em up again, Mike, fill 'em up; Why afar do I thusly roam ? Don't I think I'd' better go home? Not on your life ! Not on vour life! (Spoken— 'AVhy?") ~Sly wife says Fm the bane of her life : Fill 'em up again, ?^Iike, fill 'em up. Fill 'em up again, ^like. fill 'em upl 19 When I g-et away from this mixed ale reehng. Never again ! Never again 1 I wonder how's the sober way for feel- ing? Look over there ! Look over there 1 Oh ! great stars, am I getting the willies? No, no, no, you set of old sillies ; I wonder if those goats are all billies? Never again ! Never again i No more for mine f No more for mine I Chorus. (Will starts toward alley passage to street, startling at every squeak of or- chestra. Mrs. M. quietly moves to meet him.) Will (preparing himself to make a quick dash thru the passage) — So long. I'm going out for a while. Mame (jumping and grabing him) — No Casey's for yours. (Leads him meekly mto the house. 20 orchestra playing weding march. ^Mrs. R. seats herself by Tony in real Italian wife style. Tony softly plays mandolin. Slow curtain.) SCENE II. ( Lawn of Contractor Murphy's country seat, Stonecliff Alanor, ATrs. Murphy walking around ; Will seated. Both in swel summer attire.) Will — Gee! Just one of Casey's scoops would hit me now. Bottle beer! Rotten ! Mame — Will Murphy, if you want to make a beast of yourself, do it as a gentleman. Casey's! Pinochle! Scoops! The idea ! There is plenty of wine in the house. It w^il giv you just as dis- graceful an appearance as mixed ale. I wish you to forget your ^Mulberry Bend origin. Will — Mulberry Bend ain't so bad. They haven't as much varnish on down 21 there, but tliere is more sound oak underneath. Manie ( sneeringly) — Some more of your Coney Island witticisms. Will — Aw! I'm tired of this place, any way you look at it. Mame — Will Murphy, I feel like giv- ing you up ; here you are, rich and growing richer, and nothing suits you. Will — We have prospered pretty wel financially, but I dont see why you in- sist on living up in this dreary hole. Mame — What is the trouble with it NOW, Mr. ^lurphy? Will (airily) — Murphay, if you plaze. Wel, Mrs. Murphay, Tony and Lita have made just as much off our vaude- ville ventures as we have. Tony has his in apartments right where we used to live, piling up more money for him. We, to please your tony notions, have this white elephant to feed. I aint kick- ing so much on the joint in the Sum- mer time, but in the Winter ! 22 Mame (angrily) — The whole trouble with you is that you can't spend all your spare time in Casey's low grogshop. The idea of prefering ^Mulberry Bend to Stonecliff }^Ianor! Will — It's goo'J enough for Tony and Lita. and they are richer than we are. Tony comes of better stock than we do. His father is an Italian nobleman. }klame (sneeringly) — That's what he says. Funy he should have been a bar- ber if he had so much brains. Will — You know w-hat a fine musi- cian he is. His music is the rage all over the country. ^lame (with })ride) — So are your sayings. Don't allow a Wop to get more credit than an Irishman. Will — Cut it. Here comes — ( Enter Tony (mandolin case in hand) and Carmelita [with baby in arms] skiping.) Will — Hello. Tony and Lita. How's little Tony? (Lita holds up baby for 23 all to see. Mame kisses Lita and baby and they draw to one side.) Tony — Fina place, Will. Will — Fine, but it's too far from the Bend. Wine and case goods. Makes me sick. Tony (with shrug) — Wine vera fine. Will — Mixed ale for mine, and they can't come too big. Mame — Do you feel strong enough yet for our new venture, Lita? Lita — Strong enough? Us Italians dont make any fuss about having chil- dren. Will (winking) — Nor us Irish when we make up our minds. (Aside to Tony:) Mame has been five years now trying to make up her mind. I'm half inclined to think she has suffraget lean- ings. Mame — Sh ! There might be some here. I dont want a hatchet bounced ofif my man disturber. Besides, lots of the sufifragets have children. 24 Lita — Not after it takes wel. Tony (opening case and taking- out mandolin) — Lita, singa Will's lullaby. ( Lita skips to footlights, huging baby, and sings :) I Dont Want a Vote. A mother of a baby boy. My heart is bubbling o'er with joy As to my breast I closely press His being, with a rare caress ; No suffragetic manly craze Can lure my soul's enthused amaze To even giv a moment's thought Away from him my flesh hath wrought. Chorus : Hush a bye, my darling son, While the hours swiftly run, Cuddle closely to my breast, Baby, dear, in downy nest, Sleep, my precious baby, sleep. Mother's heart wil vigil keep, Naut can harm you, dearest, best, While I guard your peaceful rest. 25 Great God, to him grant wisdom rare, So he'll escape the carping care That comes with bitter battling foes Aheaping up poor mortal woes, lentil poor sinners seek the bowls That drive to hel poor mortal souls, And keep his ways from women's wiles, From snares of sufifragetic smiles. Cliorns : (Crowed of suffragets jump from their seats and sw^arm onto the stage, screaming "Votes for Women," driving the performers off.) Oh, You Brooklyn ! Orator — When I came from Pitts- burg the other day and got out of the train in that grand dapo uptown and strolled thru and onto the street, the sights caused me to say : "Wei, some excitement !" Needing a new suit, I inquired the w^ay to a first-class shop and doned a real uptothefit cover. 2C) Then 1 roamed downtown and gazed up at some of your sky parlors. I didn't note, but I'll gamble my mouth was wide open. I had expressed my trunk and suit- case to my aunt in Brooklyn, so when I became surfeited with sight seeing I inquired the way to the Brooklyn train. The B. R. T. brought me to Brook- lyn. (Turns and starts to walk off.) ]\ran in Audience — Heigh! Conie back here. Orator (turning and coming slowly back) — What's the matter? I hain't dun nawthun. Man — Where's the parcel. Orator — The parcel? Man — Yes — the joke. Orator — It's on me. In fact, on everyone traveling that way, except Brooklynites. If I had it to do over again I'll swim or take the ferryboat. 27 A Brass Fixture. Orator — The next time I feel like exercising my muscles I am goings to grab the leader of an orchestra, lay him out flat on the floor and take a running jump right onto his face with my heels. Leader of Orchestra — You inhuman wretch. Or.— How? Leader — Do you mean to tel me that you would dare to take one of my pro- fession, place him in such a humiliating position and disable him from providing in a proper manner for his wife and family? Or. — I don't get you. Leader (excitedly) — Why, crush in his face and spoil — Or. — Spoil nothing. They say rubber bounces fine oflf brass. The Dairy Disclosure. Soubret (very low-cut dress) — Hello; are you our angel? 28 Angel — Sure ; why ? Sou. — You look nice. Angel — Say, what kind of a dress do you call that? Sou. (with giggle) — This? ]\Iy low- cut. Angel — Dont you think it's danger- ous ? Sou. — How? Angel — Why, unmasking your dairy battery so recklessly. Oh, no! She Wasnt Uptodate. Oator — I tel you, it's great in these sutTraget times to have a wife like mine. She wouldn't wear a low-cut dress or a slit skirt. Why? (Swels out his chest and looks important.) Because she knows I object to such rowdy attire. Butler (entering and handing him a bil) — ^Irs. Orator told me to giv this to you sir. (Bows and retires.) Orator (opening envelope and read- ing) — To one slit skirt for !Mrs. Orator, $25. (Tears his hair in dismay.) 29 A Wiling Victim Angel — Oh, you Siikey ! Soubret (very low cut dress and slit skirt showing leg to knee) — How do you do? Angel — Charming, in your presence. Sou. — Oh, you dear old cut-up! Angel — But J am so afraid you wil catch cold. Sou. — How? Angel — With that awful rent in your dress. Why dont you have it sewed up? It's a shame to ruin such a lovely gown. Sou. — (pertly) — The Four Hundred afifect this style, so why should I refuse to be uptodate? So, Angel, dear, dont think I'm bold, Nor do I think I'll catch a cold. « Angel — Oh, you poetess ! Sou. (roguishly) — If you fear for my welfare, a good, hot dinner wil drive away any cold flirting around. Angel (grabing her arm with mock expression of dismay) — Stung! Sou. — It's sweet of vou to tcl me. 30 JJ/'iZytl^ SrHA. ^i. Four Things To Not Forget! %muht% Glide. Cittle Brown-Eyed Covev Horia Che BHflle 0411 One Question. Have you read SWATCHES? No? Wei, just sit up and take notice that your existence is minus a great help. Yes? You are certainly wide awake! Should you catch cold siting up to finish these interesting books, take KORLA It banishes the il-effects of every form of mucous membrane irritation. THE BUGLE CALL Should be in every loyal American home. It contains the very essence of patriotism. If your dealer cannot supply you, come to RIANT GUILD Baldwin and Newark Aves. Jersey City, N. J. Where we have an abundance of them and many other useful accessories for your comfort and amusement. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Ocean 6ate Nature's culminat point in seashore architecture. 015 905 662 4 j^ We would be pleased to have you accept of our hospitalities to and from the City Superb any pleasant Sunday. That Fascinating Waltz Song 6l1de, Cittle Brown-Eycd Covey Is just the caper for you and the dear little girlie. To Keep Alive the Great Heroism of Our Fathers CDe Bugle gall Should Be Read All Over the Land