Class __:P_iMii_ CptP^htN". \^0? COPYRIGHT DEPOSnV Faults and Follies As Mirrored In a Series of Lectures By G. W. Hughes O luad some Poiv^r the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us.** PuUithed ly the Author Clinton, 111. 1908 7635 f3 \l'^^\,o^ ^6 LIBRARY ot 0<:«NdRES$J IvrO COOieS KectM.ci! SEP .30 )^Ub I COPTKIGHT, 1908 BY G. W. HUGHES LECTURE SUBJECTS PAGE Boys 130 Blindness 280 Clubs 38 Cowards 100 Character 211 Courtship 170 Curtain Lectures 2C4 Dates 108 Dudes 158 Devils 194 Divorce 181 Domestic Trouble 231 Economy 92 Extremes 296 Estimation 112 Extravagance ; . 287 Fun 190 Fools 18 Fitness 252 Flattery 293 Fault Finding 124 Girls 134 Going 104 Growling 88 Grave Digging , 154 Hogs 150 Home 84 Hurry 301 Husbands 257 Hypocrites 69 Husband Choosing 120 Ice 162 Idleness 290 Jealousy 247 5 6 Lecture Subjects PAGE Kickers 22 Kissing 235 Love 166 Liars 13 Leaders 77 Man 96 Money 146 Marriage 175 Noise 26 Nice People 142 Novel Reading , 268 Old Maids 61 Opportunity 33 Old Bachelors 239 Poverty 284 Preachers 9 Poor Boys 207 Popularity 243 Patriotism 138 Poodle Dogs 50 Rich Boys 203 Resolutions 276 Snow 65 Style 198 Spells 73 Society 81 Singing 57 Success 215 Suckers 223 Surprises 29 Smartness 186 Sweethearts 42 Swearing Off 219 Talk 53 Truth 46 Wives 260 Which 127 Widows 272 Worrying 227 Wife Choosing 115 PREFACE The reform most needed is that of the people. The world grows better as the people become better. As the character of the members of the family makes the home what it is, so the char- acter of the people makes the world what it is. There can be no progress in reform of the peo- ple until they realize their need of it. This realization can best be brought about by caus- ing them to see their faults, if possible, as others see them. That they may do so, it is necessary that there be a reflection of their un- wise acts as in a mirror. The reflection may be shown in different ways, but in no way more effectively than by picturing in words the acts of those who do things that are unwise and often foolish. While these Lectures were not written with a view of putting them in book, or that they would in any way promote reform in those who need reform, yet it is hoped they may prove as mirrors in which hundreds may see their faults and resolve to correct them. By such a resolve they would prove their desire to make themselves better men and women, a desire that reaches from earth to Heaven, and is the basis of a more perfect life. THE AUTHOR. LECTURE ON PREACHERS There are two classes of preachers — those who can preach and those who can't preach. There are more of the latter than of the former. Good preachers are as scarce as real statesmen. Many seem to have become ministers because they thought ability was not essential in ex- pounding the gospel. Some of them have failed to make a success in other fields and took to preaching rather than do something they were built to do. Many men make a failure in the pulpit who might be successful farmers or mer- chants. Because a man thinks he hears a "call" is no evidence the Lord wants him to give up a good job of wood chopping to preach. Nature intended that everyone should do what he is fitted for; but thousands of people die every year ignorant of what position in life they might fill creditably. People always have a desire to try to do something they are not doing. If they are preachers they want to lecture, dabble in politics or do something equally as foolish. Many 8x10 preachers have quit work in the vineyard of the Lord to be- 9 10 Lecture on Preachers come 2x4 politicians. They get so crazy to help save the country that they give up sav- ing souls to satisfy a blind desire to go to con- gress. Often in their efforts to go to Washing- ton they go to the devil, and almost as often stay there. A preacher that can preach and likes to preach is a fool to run his nose into politics. In doing so he exhibits a weakness that is not overlooked. A preacher who has a heart for preaching cannot make a successful politician, because he is not capable of doing things a politician must, or always does, do. Yet many fairly good preachers are never satis- fied until they take a whirl in the political arena. Often a one-horse preacher imagines he could be a two-horse politician. He never knows any better until he goes through the machine. He comes out ''frazzled" at both ends, sore in the middle and sneaks away like a whipped rooster in a strange barn-yard. He is ashamed to go back and ask God to forgive him, and the Lord's pity for a fool is not strong enough to "call" him again. The man who resigns his position with God to accept one under a political boss will never get his old job back at an increased salary. God wants his soldiers to be men ; not boys running after every butterfly or red apple they see. Speaking of preachers being "called" brings to mind the words of the farmer who said he thought "most of the preachers run away and Lecture on Preachers 11 come." At least some of them must have had very acute hearing. If a preacher thinks he would not be a preacher if he had not been called, it is time to get the size of his hat. If preachers were really called to preach, many of them would still be sawing wood. Of all the tiresome things none are more so than a preacher who can't preach and never finds it out. He pounds away like a lawyer with a bad case, and then wonders why so many of his audience rest their chins on their breasts. All preachers can't be the best, but no one ought to be a minister unless he can keep at least half the audience awake. But, after all, most preachers have troubles of their own, and deserve the sympathy of their friends. Except the editor of a country newspaper, the preacher is "cussed" and dis- cussed more than any other mortal. He may do the best he can and the best he knows how, yet some of the "sisters" or "brethren" are not pleased, and they at once begin to plan for rais- ing hades in the church. Things begin to boil, get hot and sometimes very hot, even before the preacher knows a blaze has been started. He is innocent of doing anything that anyone of good sense would get mad at ; in fact, he has not, but people usually show less sense in church matters than in anything else, even in politics. The preacher is expected to do things to suit each member of his flock. If he speaks 12 Lecture on Preachers to "Sister Jones" he must speak to all the other sisters. If he tells "Brother Smith" "the weather is a little cool for the time of the year," all the other brethren must be told that or something else. If he leaves the pulpit from one side someone thinks he ought to have left it from the other side. If he says anything about saloons he is told to "go slow on that question." If he says nothing about saloons, he is accused of being afraid to preach the Bible. Often those who wouldn't climb a hedge fence to get around a bottle of liquor will yawp the longest and loudest if the preacher finishes a sermon without preaching the saloon keeper into perdition. If a preacher does not embrace everyone he meets, he is accused of being too cold and distant. If he is very sociable and jokes a little, he is accused of being too worldly. Some people expect a preacher to do all the being sociable while they stand as stiff and solemn as a May-pole, ex- pecting the preacher to dance around them at the end of a string they thing they have to him. They expect the preacher to do all the being friendly, and they'll try to cause trouble in the church if he is not. It never occurs to them that a preacher has work and cares of his own, and cannot always wear a smile, and run half a block to speak to each member of his flock. If taking on Christ would chase out the devil, fewer church members would be so Lecture on Liars 13 hard to please, religion would be more popular and fewer preachers would quit preaching to take up politics. They tire of a continued struggle to keep peace among the followers of God, and turn their attention to something where there are periods of quiet and brotherly love is not supposed to be, but is, found. LECTURE ON LIARS The world is full of liars. They are as numer- ous as "the stars in the sky, the leaves on the trees or the sands on the seashore." They have never been counted, because no one wants to commence a job he cannot complete before he dies. Liars are found here and there, and everywhere else. They are in the huts and in the mansions; in society and out of society; along the byways and in the highways; in church and out of church. They are always easy to find and hard to lose. It is as easy to chase up a liar as a rabbit, and he will get from one lie into another quicker than the rabbit will get through a rail fence. Some lie for fun, some lie for business and some lie because they can't help it. Some lie for nothing when they could get a salary for telling the truth. There are more people en- gaged in lying than in making an honest liv- 14 Lecture on Liars ing. There are so many liars that there is often jealousy as to who shall wear the belt. If all the liars would join hands there would be enough of them to reach twice around the world, and be enough left to run the politics of the country through the hottest campaign known in history. Political liars are the smoothest and hardest liars to be found. Though they lie hard it is easy for them. They lie because it is a part of the game. A poli- tician that don't lie ought not be allowed to run at large. He might go crazy (if he is not already so) and have to be penned up until he knows his business. Often the biggest liars are most successful in their efiforts to "save the country." They do the least work and get the fattest office. Thousands of men who hold of- fice wouldn't get in sight of a salary if their position depended upon their ability to tell the truth. There may be a politician who never lies, but he has never been located. The women who want to dabble in politics ought to have their lying ability tested. A truth- ful woman in politics would be as much out of place as a woman at a lecture for "men only." All would be looking at her, and she would wish she could see herself as others see her. If she did she would sneak oflf and hide behind a tree. Ananias was a great liar; but if he lived nov/ he would have so much strong competition Lecture en Liars 15 that he would quit the business and go to preaching. Ananias ''fell down and gave up the ghost" when caught in a lie, and Sapphira, his wife, "yielded up the ghost," also, under similar circumstances. If all liars of this day would "give up the ghost" when caught in a lie, there would not be enough people left to bury the dead. But Ananias and Sapphira were not experts. If they had been up to the standard of modern liars, they would have lied too fast and too often to be so easily caught in a lie. A Chicago professor said : "A lie is not a lie if actuated by a good motive." If he is right, who is to judge. Everyone will claim his motive is good, and who knows the motive bet- ter than the one who guides it? If he had said a forced lie is not a lie, he could have called up the life of Galileo in proof. He was compelled to say the earth did not revolve around the sun when he knew it did. The man who lies to save his life is excusable, though his life may be worth little to himself, his friends or the world. If some men never died until they told the truth they would live forever. The silent liar is more dangerous than a noisy liar. He is like a thief in the night; a skunk in a chicken coop, or a wolf in a sheep pasture. He steals ; he stinks ; he carries away. The silent liar lies in weight, in measurement, or in some other manner when his supposed 16 Lecture on Liars honesty is trusted. He gives less than 16 ounces for a pound, fewer than 36 inches for a yard, or a scant 4 pecks for a bushel. By his act he says : "You have got what you asked for," when his conscience (if he has any) tells him he is a thief and a liar, two of the most dangerous qualities that combine to make man a devil. Satan rejoices when he sees a man weigh short or cut scant. He knows he is certain of another angel for his kingdom and enrolls his name on his list of future resi- dents. But when he takes up his abode in the place where winter never comes and ice is not manufactured or shipped in, he will not be permitted to engage in his old line of business. He will have to saw wood, build fires or serve his master in some other way that will not offer inducements to those who would be silent liars. The man who goes to Hell because he stole from those who trusted to his honesty will have a hard time of it, and will always wish he had been honest. Even the Devil hates a liar. The liar is a peace disturber, a home wrecker, a promoter of satan^s cause. Many a pure life has been ruined by one vile, cowardly lie. One lie has wrecked a home or darkened a good character. Liars would never make the progress they do in stirring up trouble if people were not so ready to believe a lie. Many are always ready to believe a lie or doubt the Lecture on Liars 17 truth. An unreasonable lie often finds more friends than a reasonable truth. The readi- ness to believe lies tends to discourage those who are truthful. The reward that should go to one who speaks the truth too often is re- ceived by the one who does not. The people can make liars fewer by putting more con- fidence in those who have a reputation for tell- ing the truth. Falsehood is too often rewarded while Truth is compelled to hunt for friends. Many learn to lie in childhood and never for- get how. Parents are often to blame for their children not being truthful. They not only lie in the presence of their children, but lie to them when it would be easier for them to tell the truth. Often parents whip their children for doing what they have taught them to do — lie. What can a mother expect of a child when she sends it to the door to tell an unwelcome caller she is not at home? If a father tells his son he will reward him if he will do a certain work in a specified time and then fails to do so, the boy is taught a strong lesson in lying. Children with lying parents seldom become truthful men and women. A child that is taught lying until it is grown will not easily forget the lessons learned. Teach a child what it should not know and it will al- ways know it to its sorrow. 18 Lecture on Fools LECTURE ON FOOLS Fools are as numerous as people. All are fools, the only difference being as to what they are fools about and the extent of their foolish- ness, therefore it is impossible to talk or write about fools without danger of offending friends. Few have enough sense to know they are fools. The one who knows he is a fool is wise. April 1, "All fools day," comes once a year and re- mains only a day, but fools stay all the year and don't leave when a new year comes. Fools are perennial. They grow everywhere and thrive in every climate. It never gets too hot or too cold for them. They do well on every kind of soil. Cultivation is not necessary to their existence. No crop is more easily raised than a crop of fools, and no crop is worth less after it is raised. That is, a crop of fools that don't know they are fools, such as dudes and their female counterparts. There are grades and crosses of fools same as there are of other animals. Too, there are thoroughbred fools, such as think they are wiser or more handsome than others. Then there are scrub fools, such as do things a hog would not do even if a bucket of swill were its reward. People are fools for different things. Each class of fools has its own peculiarities. It Lecture on Fools 19 wouldn't do for all to be fools about the same thing, any more than it would do for all to engage in the same business. Among the fools are the fools for money, fools for honor, fools for love, fools for fun, fools for want of sense, religious fools, political fools, damphools, fools that run country newspapers and a million of other fools that think they could do the same thing. All of these besides the women who want to dabble in politics. There are so many fools because it is easier to be than not to be a fool. If it were not so, many people would never distinguish them- selves. They do something they think is smart and then strut around like a peacock on dress parade. When, in fact, they have made a "dis- play" that would have won a blue ribbon in any contest for a prize as the biggest fool. Fools are not as new as Fourth of July oats or peas. They differ from the former because they are never ripe enough to harvest, and resemble the latter because they look greener when the hull is off. Adam and Eve acted the fool first. They commenced to raise fools and the example they set has been hatching them out ever since. It is certain they never realized what an "endless chain" they started. No wonder the Bible has so much to say about fools. The wonder is it does not have more to say of them. And then Shakespeare, as if disgusted with the whole crowd, said: "What 20 Lecture on Fools fools these mortals be." William must have been feeling like he had run a political news- paper awhile when he said that. It sounds like he was ready to upset the ink and go fish- ing. But even Shakespeare was a fool for all his wisdom. Though he had all his writings well done, they seem to still be Bacon. If Shakespeare had never said any more than, "What fools these mortals be" it was enough to immortalize him. He could well have taken Josh Billings' advice of "When you hit the bull's eye sit down." All of the writings of Shakespeare are grouped around "What fools these mortals be." No better judge of human nature ever lived than the Bard of Avon and that one sentence was the flash of wisdom that shone through all his writings. Even the great Lincoln had something to say about fools. He said : "You can fool part of the people all the time, all the people part of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time." Of course Lincoln was honest in what he said, but he did not know all that P. T. Barnum had done. The poet Burns added his testimony when he said: "Human bodies are sic* fools for all their colleges and schools." Colleges and schools often make bigger fools of those who attend them. As Pope said : "A little learning is a dangerous thing," and they do not drink deep enough to remove the dan- ger. They take on a small jag of learning and Lecture on Fools 21 think they have a load. But they can't deceive those who can tell a dun calf from a brindle dog. They can tell from the noise that they do not have a load on. The lighter the load on a wagon the more it rattles; it is the one with the least learning that makes the most noise. The difference between a conceited fool with a jag of learning on and a fool toper with a "jag" on is, that one can't walk straight and slobbers. Often a fool with a little learning at- tracts more attention than a philosopher. Peo- ple are so peculiar. An audience that would laugh at the jokes of an end man till they had cramps, would soon discover there were no cushions on the seats if they were listening to the wisest statesmen. Fools will die a natural death if left alone. But it is strange how so many people escape the "fool killer" so long. If he would do his duty, funerals would be more numerous. The most to be pitied fool is the one who takes on a little education and gets the swell- head so bad that he thinks there should be but one college in the world and he its president. He is an example of what is meant by the Bible sentence : "He is wise in his own conceit." He deserves the pity of all other fools. Fools, like corks, always come to the surface; and the bigger the fool the more he bobbles along on the waves of society. A wise man will often be lost to view when a fool is continually 22 Lecture on Kickers in sight. He thinks he was created to be seen or heard and that the world will be disap- pointed if he should neglect to exhibit him- self daily. Doors open all the time. Admis- sion free. LECTURE ON KICKERS A kicker is one who is so wise that he knows more about everything than everybody else. He is great in his own estimation. The only reason he does not make a world better than the one he is in is because he don't have a place to put it. He even finds fault with God's work, and can easily explain where there could be improvements on His world. He can't un- derstand how it was possible for God to get along without his advice, and kicks because He did. The bigger fool a man is the more he kicks. The one who kicks most usually has least cause for kicking. The mule may be the original kicker, but it is not the worst one. Some people can beat a mule kicking so bad that it feels like going out of the business. A mule kicks be- cause it knows no better; people kick because they are so much like a mule. One difference between a mule and a human kicker is that the former kicks with his heels and the latter kicks Lecture on Kickers 23 with his mouth. Another difference is that the mule always kicks at something and the human kicker often kicks at nothing. When a man gets in the habit of kicking he ought to be turned out to grass with the other animals. A professional kicker is as tiresome as a dude and worth about as much to the world. The dude has not enough backbone to be a kicker and the kicker too much backbone and not enough good sense. Backbone is a good thing if there is not an empty "cocoanut" attached to the top end of it. Some people would never be noticed if they didn't kick. Nothing suits them and nothing is the only thing they suit. They get up kicking; kick all day and go to bed kick- ing. They do not take a rest until Morpheus gathers them in his arms, and often then "in the stilly night," their "night-mare" kicks the cover off them. The chronic kicker is to be pitied. He is a cross between a mule and a fool, and the cross has been rubbed out by the mule's friends. The less a man knows the more he kicks. Brains have not widened his scope of reasoning; thought has not been a child of his mind, be- cause thought needs soil in which to grow. The man who is always kicking does so be- cause he thinks it is an evidence of smartness, or because he cannot have everything go his way. Not a few think they are so much better and wiser than average humanity that they 24 Lecture on Kickers are disappointed when all hats are not lifted as they pass. They know they are right on all questions, and kick if anyone dares to insinuate they might know as much as they do. Every community has from one to six who would not live an hour if they could not find something to kick about. The schools are not taught properly; official matters are not rightly con- ducted; the preachers do not use the right texts ; there is an organ in the church ; Deacon Jones is a little too foxy, or Sister Brown mar- ried sooner than she ought to after her hus- band's death. There is no lack of something to kick about if the mind is of an "objection- able" nature. The chronic kicker is lonesome when he is not playing mule. Some very wise men are always kicking about what is done at home. Their wives can- not do anything to suit them. No matter how particular the tired wives may be, they can- not please their liege lords, who imagine they know all things at all times. Women are often worried into their graves because their hus- bands are eternally kicking about things that they ought to have sense enough to keep still about. Instead of saying something to en- courage and cheer their wives, they find fault with what they do until they despair of ever doing anything to please their kicking hus- bands. Some men will find fault with the work of their wives, and then kick harder than a Lecture on Kickers 25 Missouri mule if their wives dare find fault with their work. Husbands often exhibit less sense than a mule in regard to household af- fairs. They kick about things that they know no more about than the devil knows of Heaven. The man who is always kicking about his wife^s work ought to be tied in a stall with the other mules. Wives often are as big fools as the husbands. They are ever finding fault with the way busi- ness is managed. They neglect their own work to object to something their husbands do. They know more about out-door work than they do about making home look homelike, and make strong protest if they are not consulted as to how work should be done. They neglect their own business to meddle with business on the farm or in the store. They believe in woman's rights and kick if they don't enjoy them to the fullest limit. A fault-finding wife is a load about the neck of her husband. 26 Lecture on Noise LECTURE ON NOISE All sound is noise, but all noise is not sound. Some sound is all *'wind." The two principal kinds of noise are useful and useless. Both are much in use and the latter often seems most in demand. The ways of making noise are numberless. The lion roars, the bear growls, the ox bellows, the horse neighs, the mule brays, the hog grunts, the sheep bleats, the turkey gobbles, the rooster crows, the hen cackles, the opera singer squeals and so does a pig. Nature has given to every animal its own peculiar noise box and Edison gave to man the phonograph. The world is full of noise, yet people hate to die, even when the nearest neighbor has a piano and a daughter that tries to sing. This combination has no equal for real noise. It is a menace to the peace, happiness and prosper- ity of a neighborhood. It makes enemies of friends ; drives away smiles, and decreases the cash value of property. It makes dogs howl a mournful howl that cause all in hearing to feel like they had lost a friend. When a girl feels that she is fit only for an ornament her parents squander a few hundred dollars in a vain effort to have her become a great singer. To com- plete the farce she marries a worthless man, Lecture on Ncise 27 and takes in washing to buy him tobacco and whiskey. It is useless to try to make a Jenny Lind of a girl whose voice is better suited for calling cows than singing. There is an ocean of difference betwen singing and noise, but some people never realize it until their neigh- bors commence moving. Politics furnish a great field for noise. That is a time when noise is at a premium. The party that makes the most noise has the big- gest crowd. The political party that puts sense against noise always loses. The brass band is always needed because it makes more noise than most speakers. Politics without a brass band would be like hog-killing time and no squeal. Thousands of "intelligent American voters" will follow a brass band five miles through mud when they wouldn't listen to a good political speech ten minutes. Campaign time is the glory of fools. They shout themselves hoarse and carry a torch that leaks grease on their clothes, and think they have done their country good service. Some men will sit about the streets and on fences explaining how to save the country when their wives are at home washing for fifty cents a day. There are always voters who can tell all about "saving the country" when they wouldn't know a gold standard from the north pole or a protective tariff from a promise to pay. The man who makes the most noise about 28 Lecture on Noise politics, knows least about what is best for his country. Wind is not wisdom. Many who have to wear long tailed coats to hide the evi- dences of what they do most, spend most time in talking politics. The campaign speaker who makes most noise, usually has the biggest crowd and gets the best pay. There are times when it pays to have more wind than sense, but it takes a wise man to know when that time is. Some church members want their religion judged by the noise they make. They are loud in their denunciation of evil, and are never through telling how they love their Savior. They sing their own praises in the highest key. Their religion is of the brass band kind — requires plenty of blowing to keep it going. It would never be known some people were Christians if they didn't proclaim it in a loud voice. The one who has genuine religion does not have to shout it from the house top to make it known. Noise is not an evidence of love of Christ. The depth of a man's religion cannot be estimated by the length and loudness of his prayer. The loudest prayer does not always reach nearest to Heaven. God knows the dif- ference between "hot air" and heart-felt re- ligion. Satan always keeps his eye on the man who says he knows he will go to Heaven. A windy religion is not the best kind to die by. There will be no cyclones in Heaven. Lecture on Surprises 29 Many mistake noise for sense. They think because thunder and the roar of a cannon at- tract attention, they must be noisy to be seen. They talk much, laugh more, and then wonder why more quiet persons are most in demand in domestic and public positions. They have never heard that "a still tongue bespeaks a wise head." They have never learned that it is the lightning and not thunder that does things. They have never found out that an electric spark travels faster than the roar of a lion. They do not know that the chirp of a bird is more pleasing than the bray of a donkey. The lion roars, as he used to do; The sweetest kiss has no smack; More love is in the dove's gentle coo, Than in the duck's loudest quack. LECTURE ON SURPRISES The days are full of surprises, and even the nights are not free from them. They come in the lives of all, and some lives are so full of them that there is no room for more. Sur- prises begin with life and end only with death. Some children are always a surprise to their parents. Some are surprised that their child- ren are not good, and the neighbors are sur- prised that they are not worse. Children that 30 Lecture on Surprises are let grow up like weeds, instead of being raised, are usually as they grow, and their parents will wonder why they are not good like their parents were when they were child- ren. Parents always know they were better than the children of today. It is a surprise to them that they were so good when there were so many opportunities to be bad. The parents of the present were the little angels of the past. They were good children for the same reason that George Washington couldn't tell a lie — it was impossible for them to be bad. The children of the present are not as good as the children of the past, but they are much smarter. Years ago it was almost impossible to find a child smarter than its parents; now it is almost impossible to find a child that is not smarter than its parents. It is a surprise to them that their parents know so little and them so much. And parents are often fools enough to encourage their children in this know-it- all feeling. If parents would always teach their children that it is impossible to learn it all so early in life, it would be better for parents and children. Boys and girls often get the "big head" so bad that their hats have to be made to order. When boys and girls become grown they always want to get married, and it is a sur- prise if their want is not realized. They would rather get married when young and foolish Lecture on Surprises 31 than stay at home until they have sense enough to know what married life is. They get mar- ried and try to settle down ; but soon find that managing a home and making a living are so much different from chewing gum, trying to look pretty and playing a piano, or loafing on the streets while their fathers and mothers do the work that they are surprised that anyone would get married. The kid love soon grows cold and the kid husband and kid wife begin to long to go home to mamma and papa, and the neighbors are not surprised when they go. There is always much surprise coming from the work of Cupid. People are surprised that somebody married some other somebody, and they are surprised if they live together happily. Then there is surprise why someone does not marry some other someone. People often get more interested in the love affairs of others than they do attending to their own business. They know just who they ought to marry, and when they ought to marry, and are not back- ward in letting what they know be known. They spend more time trying to convince the young people they ought to marry than they do in saying their prayers. Women often spend so much time trying to make warmer the love blaze between two friends that they let the fire of love die out between themselves and their husbands. Those who volunteer to help Cupid attend to his business will need Cupid to help 32 Lecture on Surprises them rekindle the blaze of love in their own homes. Cupid is never surprised to find much work to do in a home where a wife is more interested in assisting a friend get a husband than she is in retaining the love of her own hus- band. The surprise is that love's fire does not go out in more homes than it does when so many wives and husbands do so little to keep it burning. Surely Cupid must take pity on them, and throws on a few sticks of wood in passing, encouraging the dying embers to con- tinue their struggle to live. Many homes are gladdened and made joy- ous by surprises on birthday and wedding an- niversaries. Friends gather, bringing presents and good wishes. They make everybody seem so pleasant that life has a new meaning. The fire burns brighter; the pictures on the wall look more beautiful; the wife smiles sweeter; the husband speaks more gently, and every- thing gives forth a brighter and happier look. The friends who gave the surprises feel better because they have put more sunshine into a home. Such acts are smiled upon by the Great King; but it must make Him sore at heart to know most birthday and anniversary surprises are to those who are perhaps least in need of gifts and good cheer. Often a home where presents are needed might be made brighter and happier if it could be made the scene of a "surprise party." The bare walls might be Lecture on Opportunity 33 decorated with pictures ; a few valuable books placed on the table, or a rocker placed on the floor in which the tired wife could often rock herself to sleep and forget that the sun of prosperity does not shine so brightly in her home as in others. Hearts of husband and wife that are drifting away from each other might be closer cemented in conjugal love by a visit from a number of friends on the wedding anni- versary and leaving gifts that would be theirs in common. It would remind them of their marriage vows, and convince them that their friends want to see them live married life as they begun it ; be true to themselves and their home; invite the sunshine of happiness to smile through the windows of their souls, and so live that they may encourage others to live as God intended they should — like men and women of sense, and not like crazy fools. LECTURE ON OPPORTUNITY Opportunity is often the key to the front door of success. Many have become famous because the chance came to them to show to the world their ability to grasp great questions or do great things. The oppressive course of England made it possible for George Wash- ington to save his country from the gluttonous 3 34 Lecture on Opportunity grasp of the mother country. Had England been wilHng to be reasonable Washington's greatness of mind and character might have never been knov^n. Andrew Jackson would never have fought the Battle of New Orleans and become president if there had been tele- graph lines. The lack of means to convey news placed him face to face with the opportunity to win a great battle before he could be told peace had been declared. The Rebellion made Lincoln, Grant, Sherman, Sheridan and many others great, because it presented the opportu- nity for them to put forth their ability. Had not the assassin's bullet sent McKinley to his tomb Roosevelt would have never been able to demonstrate that the United States could exist under his guidance. The opportunity to make a forty-minutes speech made Bryan a candidate for president. Without opportunity the power to make men great would wither and die. No matter how much physical or intel- lectual power one may possess without a chance to put it in force, there are no results that make the world applaud. Yet opportunity is nothing if the one to whom it comes is not prepared to make the most of it. Had Wash- ington been anybody except Washington, peo- ple of the United States might now be subjects of a king. Young men and young women should be prepared to profit by every opportunity to as- Lecture on Opportunity 35 cend higher on the ladders of fame or fortune. They can do this only by being honest, in- dustrious and true. Laziness, lack of proper preparation, and indifference profit them noth- ing. While some profit by favorable opportunity, others are lost to success and honor in spite of it. Benedict Arnold had the opportunity, yet was despised and hated by the whole world because he chose to be a traitor rather than a patriot. Others like him have lost all for want of the right kind of sense at the right time. Not a day passes that someone does not throw away a good opportunity to go up in- stead of down a ladder. To thousands the best of opportunity to do and be something worth noticing, is as a pearl before swine. Not an hour passes that some young man or young woman does not go blundering down the path to ruin when the Goddess of Fortune beckons them to come up higher. Hundreds of bright minds have turned aside from opportunities that if made the best of would have placed them in positions of honor. Fortune does not beg men to profit by the opportunities it presents. If a deaf ear is turned to its knocks, it passes on to anothei door. The greatest of bards said: "There is a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood leads on to fortune." Thou- sands sleep or hesitate until the flood is past, and then curse the day they were born. They 3G Lecture on Opportunity pass by the advice of another great poet to "Be up and doing with a heart for any fate." Op- portunities unimproved is aimless drifting on the Sea of Life. The aimless drifter floats over the dam and is lost, unless by chance, like the fool that braves the dangers of Niagara Falls, he is spared, floats to the shore and is exhibited as a curiosity. Opportunities to go downward are as numer- ous as are those to go upward, and are as often improved. Thousands never miss a chance to sink lower and continue Hellward with a reck- lessness that is startling. They never have their eyes opened to the enormity of being a healthy idiot until it is too late. Some improve every opportunity to become crazed with whiskey, disgracing themselves and their fami- lies. Some never let an opportunity pass to blacken the character of others; thousands choose the road to ruin when there are bright prospects along the other highway. While there was one George Washington there are thousands who would not be great if they could. Some would rather be a dude on fifty cents a day than president at fifty thou- sand dollars a year. The number of fools in- creases with the population. Of every hundred there are seventy-five who don't know oppor- tunity from nothing. Some would refuse a chance to earn two dollars a day and get drunk on whiskey paid for by others. Until a man Lecture on Opportunity 37 knows opportunity from mud he Is a load on the Car of Progress, and is dropped off at the first station. If all would improve the opportunities that come to them there would be fewer in the poor house, tramps would be scarcer and none would have reason to curse their luck. The man who daily sits on a dry goods box and whittles has no reason to complain of ill luck. The man who is too drunk to board the Car of Progress when it passes his way, has no right to expect the sympathy of man or the love of God. The man who makes a whiskey funnel of his throat or a nicotine squirt gun of his mouth, has no room to complain of the un- equal division of property. God gives every man the opportunity to not spend foolishly his hard-earned dollars; if he does not make the best of the opportunity, he is that far a fool. The Devil never misses an opportunity to bene- fit himself, why should man? 38 Lecture on Clubs LECTURE ON CLUBS There are clubs and clubs. They are used for different purposes. One kind is often used to assault or defend, and sometimes as "argu- ment." Sometimes a club is the only argument that will prove effective. Some people are so dumb that they never know anything until a club is used to awaken their minds to the fact that the "sun do move." Sometimes the fool is at the other end of the club. There are peo- ple that know no argument but a club. They have little reason and less sense. They think they are the only ones that are not dull and slow, and try to drive others before them as the wind drives the dust. The club is their only reasoner and persuader. Most policemen carry clubs. Some carry them to make them look brave and some carry them to use, and it is otten necessary that they use them. Some men who need a policeman's attention don't realize that they can be men until the officer's club stops on their heads. One good, vigorous tap with a policeman's club will often put more sense into a man's head in a minute than an hour of reasoning. A police- man's club is a necessity. Without it some men wouldn't have enough sense to last them over night. But the club often makes fools of Lecture on Clubs 39 the policemen. It causes them to assume brav- ery that they do not have, and they make more display than young roosters with their first tail feathers. They make everybody tired and ought to be given a permanent vacation. There are political clubs where a lot of men meet, chew tobacco, spit, tell stories and tell how they are going to do the other fellows up. Pictures and flags hang on the walls and a few fellows hang on the club for what they can get out of it. Political clubs are necessary nuisances. They fill a place that nothing else would be seen in by day. Were it not for the political clubs the country would not be saved in the usual way. There would be no parades ; no torchlight processions ; no Indian yells ; no groans for the other side; no headquarters for those who have votes to sell. The man who sells his vote is a disgrace to a free country, and the Devil's expenses ought to be paid for coming after him. If Satan had all men who sell their votes, it would give thousands of women an opportunity to get husbands who had enough honor to not sell their conscience. Social clubs are the most numerous and per- haps the most useless. They are so numerous that it is often difficult to find a suitable name for a new club ; and after the name is found it is frequently as meaningless as the purposes of the club are beneficial. What is called "society" is sandwiched with clubs; and often the sand- 40 Lecture on Clubs wich is as thin as the meat in the sandwiches found at railroad restaurants — so thin that it looks weak. Women get most satisfaction from clubs because they have more to say. Women's clubs are not "Quaker meetings." "There is no use talking" is never in the by-laws. The talking is never equally divided. Some talk most because they have most mouth. Too much mouth is an evidence of too little brains or too much wind, sometimes both. A still mouth denotes brains or bashfulness. The easiest way to tell which, is to sit down and wait till the silence is broken. Some towns are clubbed to death. There are as many clubs as there are tens among the women. If a woman is snubbed she at once sets about to organize a club so she can get even, and she seldom fails. A woman would rather return a snub than get a new Easter hat. Not a few women belong to so many clubs that they have little time to think of home and Heaven. Church duties are put aside for club work. As long as the church is neglected for clubs Satan's business will increase. The good of the churches demands more Christ and fewer clubs. The home is neglected for the club. The ideal wife always finds more attraction in the home than in the club-room. Home is her first thought ; she lives for it and in it. The woman who puts home above clubs, Lecture on Clubs 41 don't have so far to go to get to Heaven when she dies. Some men are so wrapped up in club life that they are seldom at home at night. They neglect what should be their heaven on earth until it becomes a hell. They loaf at the club- room until it is the only place they feel at home. Their wives join a club to "get even," and the home is deserted. The occupants have gone out; so has the flame of love; the Devil gets in his work, and the lawyers soon get fees. Many homes are wrecked because the hus- bands put club life above home life. Some men join clubs because they like clubs that are associated with diamonds, hearts and spades. This quartette wins them away from home, and they are soon swift on the road to ruin. In the blind hope of winning diamonds, they tarry long with the clubs ; the spades as- sist in digging their graves financially and they soon lose the hearts that are most precious to them if they value home and happiness above club life. Men as well as towns are often clubbed to death. They put club above home, have a through ticket to the Devil's plantations and never realize what idiots they are until the conductor on Satan's fastest train calls: "All out for Hell!" 42 Lecture on Szvcethearts LECTURE ON SWEETHEARTS A sweetheart is a man or womati that is thought to have wings by some other man or woman. The one who has never had a sweet- heart has never known what it is to see angels in dreams. Some have never been sweethearts, and some have been sweethearts so often that it is of Httle more importance to them than getting new clothes. When a man falls in love good and sure, he has a sweetheart and he don't care who knows it. Nature has constituted man so that he wants the whole world to know when he finds a real live angel. Men find angels before they are married and lose them after marriage ; that is, they forget they are angels. It is only before they have taken somebody for "better or worse" that they float to the ex- tremely happy state where they forget all about the past and don't care anything for the future — they live in the present. When a man has a sweetheart the first time he is then nearer Heaven than h£ ever will be again and ought to be killed for the good of himself and society. It is always best to shoot a bird when it is on the highest limb, so that if it is not killed in- stantly the fall will knock the life out of it. The sweetheart stage always precedes mar- riage and seldom follows it. The woman who Lecture on Sweethearts 43 said she would rather be a sweetheart a year than a wife a Hfe-time, knew more than she thought she did. Too few men think as much of their wives as they did of their last sweet- heart. Before marriage they could not be good enough to them ; after marriage they are afraid they will be too good to them. It is well that some women have a season in Heaven before marriage ; for they spend the rest of their days in the other place. Many men who spent every night in the week and most of Sunday with their sweet- hearts are usually too busy, or too something else, to spend one evening a week with their wives. They have so much politics, so many lodges, or so many other women to look after that they forget they have ex-sweethearts at places they call home. The Devil lurks most around the homes where the husbands are the least. Men who let the sweetheart days die with the honeymoon are oftenest made defend- ants in divorce cases. No thing, called a man, has a right to take a woman from a pleasant home to wear her life away watching by lamp- light for the one, who, in the sight of God, promised to be a man to the one who had been his sweetheart. If all men proved as attentive to their wives as they do to their sweethearts, Satan would be compelled to discharge many of his numerous assistants. Many wives long to be sweethearts again, so they will not have 44 Lecture on Sweethearts to stay at home alone of nights. Marriage ends the happiness of thousands of women because they get trousers with no man in them. In sweetheart times and the days that fol- low, women are not all angels and men all devils. Thousands of women lose their wings when they take on matrimony. While sweet- hearts they welcomed with a smile and good- byed with a kiss. When wives they welcome with a frown and good-bye with a scowl. If all women were as pleasant when wives as when sweethearts there would be more women in Heaven and fewer men in Hell. Nothing will so soon fit a man for Satan's kingdom as to be the husband of a woman who is the op- posite of what she was when he wooed her. Deception in courtship leads to domestic deso- lation after marriage. The man who is tickled under the chin as a sweetheart and pounded over the head as a husband is soon driven to desperation or the gutter; in either case he is himself no more, and the sun of domestic happiness ceases to shine about the hearth- stone. Some wives have tough animals to handle, but they handled them as sweethearts, why not as husbands. They should not forget past experience and profit by it. No man is so much of a brute that he will not be as docile as a lamb if he is made to believe he is a sweet- heart. One tickle under the chin will do more to make a man look pleasant than being ap- Lecture on Sweethearts 45 pointed postmaster. Even a mule switches his tail with delight when you pat him on the jaw, besides he cannot kick you while you are in the region of his whiskers. So it is with men ; if women want to handle them easily, they should not neglect the place where their whiskers are or ought to be. Men are so much like mules that it is often difficult for them to be different. Becoming sweethearts is easier for some than it is for others. With most young people being sweetheart the first time is like having the measles before they break out — they know they've got something but can't tell what it is. The oftener a woman becomes a sweetheart the easier it is for her to become one. While a young woman hesitates about the propriety of becoming some young man's "turtle dove," a widow will pass through the sweetheart stage, become a bride and be home from the "few days in Chicago and other cities." Widows have been known to be sweethearts and brides in a day and thirty minutes by a fast watch. Widowers are as swift as widows. They will have sweethearts if they have to advertise for them. Widowers often have stranger sweet- hearts shipped to them C. O. D., yet would refuse to buy a horse, a cow, or a brindle dog without seeing it. No wonder Shakespeare said, "What fools these mortals be." 46 Lecture on Truth LECTURE ON TRUTH "Truth is mighty" — scarce. It is plenty until a supply is wanted. To hunt it is to get tired and want to go home. The man who starts out to find genuine truth, comes back with his good opinion of humanity badly shaken. About the time he thinks he has it located he learns it is farther up the road. The more he hunts the farther it is away and he wonders why he was fool enough to hunt it. Truth is one of the most highly-prized and least coveted things among man's capabilities. It is a priceless jewel in the crown of good character. Yet such jewels are scarcer than radium. Since Adam had "snakes" and was kicked out of the Garden of Eden, there has lived only one man whom all the world be- lieved capable of telling "nothing but the truth," and he died. During his lifetime he had no competitors. Since his death there have been attempts to imitate him, but they were all regarded as counterfeits. The people refuse to believe one world could stand it to have two men who told the truth at all times. George Washington told his father he "could not tell a lie," and no one questioned the statement, though it was made by a boy and there were no corroborating witnesses. Since then the one Lecture on Truth 47 who said : "I cannot tell a lie" took his life in his hand. The people believe there is one God, likewise only one man that had lying left out of him. Truth is scarcer than it would be if parents did not teach their children to lie. Almost be- fore they are able to stand alone they are given the old musty Santa Claus lie that has come down through the ages, and is as senseless as it is false. As regularly as comes the anni- versary of the birth of Christ, parents tell their children, who are too young to know a lie from the truth, that if they will hang up their stock- ings Santa Claus will come down the chimney and fill them with candy and other things. Then they chuckle like they had done some- thing smart. Think of good, Christian fathers and mothers on the eve of the anniversary of Christ's birth, giving that old, unreasonable lie to their children. It is little wonder that after they learn how they were deceived they think it honorable and right to lie. It is time the Santa Claus fraud is buried. If nothing more it should be separated from the anni- versary of the Savior's birth. If parents want to continue the St. Nick method of deceiving their children they should change the time to "ground hog day," "April-fool day," or "In- dependence day," when the hog, the fool and the eagle are to the front, and no one is ex- pected to tell the truth or think of Christ, 48 Lecture on Truth Truth would be more plentiful if parents al- ways spoke the truth in the presence of their children. A child that receives daily lessons in lying will soon have little respect for the truth. Promises to children by parents should be faithfully kept, even if it is a promise to punish. An unkept promise from a parent to a child lessens its idea of the value of truth, and its respect for the lying parent. The child that is often promised punishment, yet never is pun- ished, will not only detect the lack of truth in its parents, but will soon be telling them what to do. No child rightly respects a lying parent. The best lessons in truth telling are taught by truth-acting parents. The mother who sends her child to tell an unwelcome caller she is not at home makes a black mark on the character of the child that may remain through life. The father who is fool enough to promise his son pay for doing errands ought to be honest enough to pay him. Children who have to be hired to obey their parents have not been properly raised. Parents who put a price on their child's obedience are that far fools and its worst enemies. It is said "truth crushed to earth will rise again." A wounded bird that falls to the ground may fly away, but it suffers from the loss of blood. A pugilist sent reeling to his corner may return when time is called, but he feels groggy. So "crushed truth may rise Lecture on Truth 49 again," but Its feathers will be badly mussed, it will feel sick at the stomach, and have a tired feeling. Though most people have had at least a slight acquaintance with Truth there are hun- dreds who wouldn't know it if they met it when the sun was shining. Truth knows its friends, and shies around its enemies. The one who has most respect for the truth, is the least re- spected by Satan. The man who establishes a reputation for telling the truth, will not be welcome in the land where the fires are never out. People who tell the truth do so for different reasons. Some do so because its easy, some in self-defense, some because they like to be with the minority, some because they have ex- hausted their supply of lies, and some by ac- cident. There may be a few other classes, but they are few in a bunch. Those who know which class they belong to are wiser than their friends believe them to be. 50 Lecture on Poodle Dogs LECTURE ON POODLE DOGS There are many kinds of dogs, but there is no kind that is more peculiarly its own kind than the poodle. It is easy to tell a poodle dog from any other kind of a dog, but it is not easy to tell which end its head is on. But the poodle is not the only living thing that has a head that is hard to locate. Often people do such foolish things that it is not easy to believe their heads are rightly located. Such is the case with some women who think more of a little woolly, knock-kneed poodle than they do of any other member of the family. They will call the poodle "deary," kiss it on the snoot, and make more fuss over it than most mothers over their first born. Some women hug and kiss poodles until the poor, little things seem to wish they were men so they could get a rest. The action of some women when slobbering over a poodle is enough to give a white man a hurting in his colic district. Of course the poodle is not to be blamed, but pitied. It wouldn't have been a poodle had it known what was in store for it. It is not to be wondered that so many of them die young. Who wouldn't "shuffle off this mortal coil" early in life if he knew some fool woman wouldn't give him time to sleep, keep- ing him awake trying to find which end his Lecture on Poodle Dogs 61 head was on so she could "buss him right on the snoot." Think of a husband seeing the caresses that God intended for him lavished upon a little 4x6 sample of the canine family. It is no wonder he wants a divorce or death. It is no wonder he goes away and commits suicide, goes to the army or joins a minstrel troupe. He gets lonesome and tired waiting for his turn to be caressed. He would kill the poodle, but he knows it can't live long anyhow, and then he stands a chance of being promoted to his proper place in the home. The man who has a poodle woman for a wife is lucky if he does not die with hydrophobia. The woman who can kiss a poodle on the snoot, has no right to a husband. He would be compelled to "lead a dog's life." Of course some women who think more of a poodle than they do of their husbands are not wholly to blame. They may have caught it from their mothers. Too, it may be they have husbands that are less worthy of their love than a poodle. There are two things in which the poodle excels many men : It stays at home of nights and it always knows which end its head is on whether other people do or not. Think of a thing called a man, who has promised to love, cherish and honor a woman going home at 2 o'clock in the morning so drunk he don't know which end his head is on. But it don't make much difference whether he 52 Lecture on Poodle Dogs knows or not, so far as brains go. The man, so called, who has a wife who loves and honors him and by his acts places himself below the level of the poodle should not whine if she lavishes her love on a poodle or some two-leg- ged cur that happens to come along and takes 'advantage of the conditions of the clouded home. The poodle is not a native of the humble home where there are no carpets on the floors, the family sleeps on home-made bedsteads and discarded pantaloons serve as the window glass. They always move in society circles, sleep on rugs, get shampooed once a week, or oftener, ride in carriages and feed at the table. Perhaps some of them are so well educated in table etiquette that they use nothing but a fork in eating. Thing of a poodle trying to cut a beef steak with a fork, yet that is what some people are fools enough to try to do be- cause it is the style. Such a sight would bring tears to the eyes and sorrow to the heart. Most poodles seem to enjoy "society life" and learn readily the language of their mistresses. They try to use a bark not their own, and then think they have done something that adds to their condition in society. Poodles love home. It is not recorded that a poodle ever changed its boarding place of its own free will. It remains in "society's realm" until it is killed with kindness, dies of old age, or commits Lecture on Talk 53 suicide to prevent the husband of its mistress dying of a broken heart. When the poodle wraps the costly fringe of its high-priced rug about its woolly form and goes hence ward, there is sadness and joy in its late home. Its mistress sheds tears of sor- row and the husbands tears of joy. But the poodle sleeps on. It is in vain that the sor- rowing one tries to "call" it back. It gets a big funeral and is buried in a costly "box." At the grave is erected a marble slab on which is inscribed : "A precious one from us is gone; A voice we loved is stilled; A place is vacant in our home That never can be filled." LECTURE ON TALK Talk is expression. Sometimes it expresses ideas, and sometimes it shows lack of them. Some think without talking and others talk without thinking. The one who talks most thinks least. It is easier to talk than think. Some people talk because they can't think ; and others think they should not talk until they can think. This would doom them to eternal silence. Some never get tired of talking, but they make everybody else tired. They talk till someone falls off a chair, and then ask if 54 Lecture on Talk heart trouble is the cause of the sudden drop. The one who would rather talk than eat, ought to be fed on "wind pudding" until he is mis- taken for a flying machine. Nature designed a way to regulate the amount people talk, but many have not been supplied with nature's provision. A good, healthy brain is the rub- lock that prevents the wheels in the head being made to turn too fast by wind. The rub-locks of some are so small that they can't find them when they should use them or if they do, they are not large enough to be of use. A mouth without a rub-lock is like an engine with the throttle open — runs until it hits something or something hits it. There is a time to talk and a time to not talk. The time to talk is when there is something to say worth hearing; the time not to talk is when there is no necessity for making public a lack of good sense. "A still tongue" is evidence of a wise head; but a noisy tongue is proof of a vacancy where brains Avere intended to be. A still tongue does not mean as silent as the grave. Nature intended that man should talk, and even lovely woman may say a few words without her God-given right being questioned ; but there is a well-defined line between too much and too little talking. **Talk is cheap," but is more expensive than any other kind of "wind." It causes the loss of life. Homes are wrecked because some- Lecture on Talk 55 body talks too much. Reputations are ruined because people will talk; characters are black- ened because somebody talks about somebody else. Young lives have been blighted because some open-mouthed fool must blab. Many peo- ple so enjoy talking about others that they would rather miss a circus than a chance to talk about their neighbors. There are always a few in each neighborhood who do more harm with their tongues than a whole church can counteract. They know all that happens and a good many things that do not happen. They tell all they know and much that they don't know. They are more to be dreaded than the snake that crawls noiselessly through the grass. One evilly inclined person with a mouthful of polluted wind is more dangerous than the midnight thief. The latter carries away that which can be replaced; the former besmears reputation, blackens character and often sends the victim in sorrow to the tomb. No character is safe when the neighborhood is the home of one who is always talking about others. Such people are a nuisance to society. They are human hyenas. They tear down what others build up, and thrive on what would make some sick. If people could not talk about each other, talking would be decreased one-half. Every- body talks about somebody. Some know when to stop talking; others do not. There is a 56 Lecture on Talk difference between those who make a business of talking about others and those who talk about others for pastime. Man has invented ''talking machines,'* but they can never win a blue ribbon from some women. There are plenty of women who can give a talking machine fifteen points and then win without knowing it. Women talk more than men because they have more to talk about. Woman is the first talking machine there is record of and she has successfully held her place against all inventions of man. Some men know this too well. They do not have to be told women can talk. Socrates, the philoso- pher, and Rip Van Winkle, the hunter, never had to learn in books that women can talk. Poor old Rip; he sought the company of his faithful dog rather than that of his wife be- cause she never knew when to quit talking. She was not the first nor the last woman to keep on talking after she had said enough. Some women talk and talk because they think they have a musical voice. Some because they think they are a little smarter than other women, and others because they don't know enough to keep still when they ought to. Some women would have the colic every day if they were not chronic gabbers. A woman who knows when to quit talking and will quit at that time, is worth her weight in gold. Women's mouths often make widows of them. Tongue is good Lecture on Singing 57 but brains are better. A woman with a thimble full of brains and a barrel of gab is a burden to a home. The husband lives with her awhile for the good of the family, then he lives with- out her for the good of his soul. Some people talk in their sleep. Some women talk so much when their husbands are awake that they have to talk when their wives are asleep or not talk at all. The man who talks in his sleep takes dangerous chances. Many men have been convicted (in the minds of their wives) by talking in their sleep. The man who talks while he slumbers ought to stay awake to hear what he talks about in his sleep. After all, talk is a good thing. If people couldn't talk there would be more of them braying and, the Lord knows, there are too many of them braying now. LECTURE ON SINGING Singing is generally good or bad ; sometimes it is worse, and much worse at other times; often it is so bad it can't be worse. When it is bad it causes a tired feeling and a desire to commit murder. Nothing will so arouse the demon nature as singing that could not be worse. Many people have saved their lives by stopping what they called singing at the right time. 58 Lecture on Singing There was a time when singing was singing. It was not disguised and everyone could easily tell it was something more than noise. Now it is usually impossible to recognize singing in the fashionable noise. It is as much different from real singing as a Plymouth Rock hen is from a Pekin duck. This is because people want to be in style even if there is no sense in the style. The style now is to sing so no one can tell what is being sung, and it is seldom one has courage enough to break away from the modern squeal, and sing. When there is such a one the hearers begin to think about angels and drink in the sweet tones as eagerly as a thirsty duck does water. Though up-to- date singing is as Latin to most people, it is surprising how so many know "it is just love- ly," and are "so sorry" there was not more of it. It is often true that those who cannot dis- tinguish a fashionable squeal from a young porker's pleading for release, will prate about the excellence of a vocal solo until their friends feel like bidding them good-bye. Some would rather go hungry than admit they didn't enjoy hearing singing that made them feel like they were about to be captured by a gang of Indians. If a man thinks he can stand it to die a horri- ble death, it is not necessary for him to hear modern singing, he can be run over by a slow engine. Some sing too much and some don't sing Lecture on Singing 59 enough. Usually those who can't sing, sing too much, and those who can sing, sing too little. It is not always the singer's fault that they try to do something they can't. Parents know their children can sing, no matter if their voices are more suited for swine calling. Hun- dreds of children who might amount to some- thing if nature were allowed to direct the course of their lives, fool away their best years trying to become great singers. Some- times a favorite son or daughter, who never can sing, is provided with a fine piano when there is not a book in the home that is worth reading. It is well enough to develop the voice, when it is suitable for development, but it is cruel to starve the brains of all the children in the family that one may try to be a ''famous singer." In their clamor for new songs sung in the new way, people should learn a lesson from the birds. No sweeter songs were ever sung than those sung by birds, yet they sing the same songs and in the same way they have been sung since time began. Their songs are as pleasing today as they were thousands of years ago. While the sweetest songs are those sung by the birds, yet they are not aided by costly instruments. There is no piercing squeal or agonizing squawk that makes an audience feel like going home. The song of a bird never made anyone tired. 60 Lecture on Singing The twentieth century squeal is heard in the home, the church and the theater. It drives the cats and dogs from the home, the nervous from the church and the weakly from the theater. Only the robust can endure it. No matter what the result, it must be heard. Some people would explode if they didn't get to sing in public. In many homes modern singing is put above everything else. Many young women who do not know the multiplication table and couldn't cook an eatable meal, if the lives of the whole family depended upon it, will spend most of the time learning to squeal in the high- est key while their mothers do the washing, and often the tired, old mothers think they are doing the proper thing by raising their daugh- ters in ignorance and laziness. Such girls are no more fit for wives than hen-pecked hus- bands are to be entered in a poultry show. Girls who waste time trying to coax a voice to sing that is more suited for calling the cows, should profit from those birds that never try to sing because they know they cannot. When a girl makes up her mind that she can be a great singer, she ought to take herself off the matrimonial market until after she faces the cold world in an effort to be a Jenny Lind. Then she will be ready to learn to bake bread and in other ways realize the sweetest music from human voice is the song of the happy queen of the home. Lecture on Old Maids 61 LECTURE ON OLD MAIDS Old maids were once young girls. They may have wanted to get married very bad in their short dress and gum-chewing days, but through some good fortune their want was not realized and they continued to grow older and wiser. Before they got to be old enough and wise enough to be old maids they never heard of the marriage of a girl friend without look- ing in the glass to see if their beauty was fad- ing. Sometimes thoughts of their loneliness would cause them to shed tears. They were afraid all the fish (suckers) would be caught before they would even get a bite. In their anxiety to catch something, they never realized that it is the little fish that always bite first. Often they despair, but never begin to lose hope until they are real, live, old maids with wrinkles on their brows and gray hairs among their tresses. Then they begin to feel and seem indifferent, yet wonder if some man will have sense enough to know a bargain when he sees it. If he does, he, no doubt, wins a prize, and then all the other old maids in the neighbor- hood will begin to elevate their ears and wonder when their time will come. When an old maid gets married it puts new hope in the hearts of her old maid friends. They each say : 62 Lecture on Old Maids *'If she can get married, I can." Sometimes they are mistaken but never lose all hope. The nearest they come to losing hope is when a widow marries. An old maid would rather see six other old maids marry than one widow. She thinks the widow ought to wait to see if there are enough men to go around. There would be more old maids if so many girls did not accept the first offer of marriage thinking it would be the last. Too many girls are afraid of being called old maids. They land the first sucker that nibbles, and then wish the line had broken when they jerked. The girl who marries to escape being an old maid, needs a conservator. Many old maids are victims of bashful lovers. They would have been married ere they "cross- ed the line" if their Romeos had possessed suf- ficient courage to tell them the "innermost chambers of their souls were burning up with love for them." Gladly would they "pour out" the fervor of their hearts, but they can't. Every time they try to pour, the fervor runs back and stops the flow. Often when a young man at- tempts to make the "speech of his life" his heart flops wrong end up, and he has to seek fresh air to prevent choking to death. The fellow who can't pop the question without choking up, ought to carry a ramrod. There is little deserved criticism to make of old maids. It is impossible to say mean things Lecture on Old Maids 63 about them without lying. They are "the salt of the earth" and a good deal of the sugar. Even a sour old maid is sweet — to somebody. Old maids are the hope of the country; with- out them there would be no reserve supply of good wife material on hand. The man who gets an old maid for a companion, usually gets something. There are few blanks in the old maid part of the matrimonial lottery. They are not the kind of women who scream and fly upon the chair when they see a mouse. Neither do they allow a drunken husband to worry the life out of them by often coming home in a condition that makes hogs shy around him. Instead of crying herself to sleep the old maid wife enlightens her husband on a few points that she lays down as law. She forces into his befuddled mind that if he is determined to go to the devil he can't take her along. She informs him that she married be- cause she thought she was getting a man, and that if she was mistaken she will correct the mistake without unnecessary delay. Many live with drunken husbands all their lives because they do not have the courage to "sober them up" the first time they came home full of swill. An old maid usually has the nerve and good sense to hit Satan a whack the first time he sticks his head in at her door. She firmly in- forms the man that promised to love and cherish her that she does not intend to go 64 Lecture on Old Maids through life with a whiskey barrel for a part- ner, and he knows she means it. God never intended that a part of a wife's duty is to wipe slobber off her husband's snoot and clean up vomit. The woman who does these things is that far a fool, and ought to order a new spinal column. Old maids are seldom such fools. Old maids never get too old to accept an offer of marriage, but they have perhaps missed too many good chances in their lives to take the first dude that comes their way because he is labeled "man." They know that ''scare- crows" sometimes wear breeches as well as men. They have heard enough about "three card monte" to know which shell has nothing under it. They know the difference between zero and one. Cupid is a great friend of the old maids be- cause they do not give him much trouble. They do not fall in and out of love twice a week, causing him to be behind with his work, and he shows his appreciation by letting them know when there are some bargains in the market. This is why old maids usually get married before their friends knew they had even an indication of a chance. Nothing gives an old maid more genuine pleasure than to get married before her old maid friends suspect she contemplates matrimony. Old maids are not in strong demand by Lecture on Snow 65 widowers, and widowers are not the most sought after by old maids. This may be be- cause the widowers think the old maids would have been married long ago if they had been worth having, or because the old maids do not want second-hand husbands. Often both make a mistake by shying around each other. The widower who marries a school girl in place of an old maid, and the old maid who marries a young dude instead of a widower, will never be accused of having brains above the average weight. LECTURE ON SNOW Snow is like man because it falls. Man is like snow because he comes to the earth to remain awhile and pass away. Snow is always white; man comes in assorted colors. Some are black, some white, some yellow, some red, all green — at sometime in their lives. In some this green is periodical; in others it extends from the cradle to the grave. "As pure as the driven snow" is more than can be said of man ; he is pure in spots. Snow comes hurrying and scurrying; man goes hurrying and worrying. Snow often comes when least expected; man goes when the "summons comes." Snow covers the face of the earth; so does man — in 5 66 Lecture on Snow places. Snow comes from above ; man is striv- ing to go that v^ay. Snow don't know why it is here; man thinks he knows why he is here, though the question has never been fully de- termined, and investigation continues. Snow falls in every life. It is the sunshine that makes more beautiful the life of man. It comes gently as a messenger from Heaven to cover up and protect the good thoughts that have taken root in the soul, and are striving to grow into good deeds. Kind thoughts and noble acts represent the snow flakes that fall gently. They come noiselessly and in time melt away. Though each is small, yet when melted and united in coursing down the mountain side they have a force that is utilized in pro- moting great enterprises. So with kind words or noble deeds. One may be of little con- sequence, yet many of them united drive des- pondency from many hearts, despair from many homes, and encourage the discouraged to continue striving in the battle of life. He who lifts sunken hope in the heart of the despondent is greater than a king. God smiles when He sees one of His children dropping snowflakes of kindness into the heart over which darkness is hovering. The earth is fresher for being covered with snow ; the heart into which kind words have fallen is more hopeful. It is not often that a heart is "snowed under" with kind words and kind acts. Lecture on Snow 67 The world is chilly, except when some mor- tal makes it hot for some other mortal. Life is a game of ''freeze-out." "Society" is fringed with icicles; the air is chilly; the snow of exclusiveness is falling, and the "genial cur- rents of the soul" are all frozen over. The god of fashion goes sleigh-riding on the ice, and his devotees coast on the hillside. Now and then an icicle drops, through shame, and is kicked aside. The snow continues to fall and many a poor fool is lost in its depths. He enjoyed the coasting till his money was gone, then went to wander in the woods without furs. The whirl of society whirled him on the outside and he cannot enter again. Wealth is the snow that falls upon many. It comes to them as sunshine from Heaven — without their effort. Thick and fast come the flakes, piling up till it seems there is no more room, yet it falls and falls. Often its bless- ings become so numerous that they are a bur- den. Too much wealth has driven many to the asylum. Abundance of money has added thousands to the suicide list. Too much snow obstructs. Poverty is the snow that falls to the lot of millions. It falls seemingly without ceasing. It piles up at the back door and the front door, and well up by the windows. There seems no sign of ceasing, and there is danger of all be- ing lost in the drifts piled up by the winds of 68 Lecture on Snow adversity. But the warmth of love within the heart begins to melt the besieging flakes and the danger is past. The members of the home where all is peace and love need not despair. One spark of affection will melt more snow than a mountain of gold. Wealth cannot buy true love; poverty cannot drive it away. Snow is known in politics. It always has and always will fall on election day. The flakes are big ; they fall thick and fast, and the snow gets deep — great banks of it — and there are always people under it. It is sometimes hard to dig them out, and they kick because they were not allowed to die without a doctor. The man who runs for office never gets enough used to snow to like it. He is always sure it will snow on the other fellow's side of the fence. When the fall is on his side he looks disappointed. It always makes a man look friendless to go to the polls in a carriage and ride home in a sleigh. Snow can be made into balls and thrown. It never strikes one so forcibly at any other time. Flattery is the snow balls of society. They are thrown for effect and always affect those they are thrown at. They always hit in the ear and affect the brain. The less the brain the greater the effect. People like to be struck with some- thing soft. This is why so many young ladies can endure dudes. It is always easier to make an "impression" on something half baked. Lecture on Hypocrites 69 LECTURE ON HYPOCRITES Hypocrites are the skunks of humanity. They are the worst "stinkers" alive or dead. They live on deceit and flourish on pure cussed- ness. They always pretend to be what they are not because they are not what they pre- tend to be. They would not seem to be what they are if they knew it would bring good for- tune to them. They delight in deceiving as a hog delights in wallowing in the mud — be- cause it is their nature. The mud of hypocrisy clings to them as does the wet dirt to the swine. They never tire of trying to deceive others, and others seem to never tire of being deceived by them. Though the Bible says, "The hypocrite's hope shall perish," he always has reason to hope, because he always finds people ready to believe he is what he pre- tends to be. All men cannot be hypocrites and no hypocrite can be a man. Hypocrisy makes devils of men. It leads them where angels fear to tread. Though at first they stay near the shore of true manhood when venturing on its waters, the beauty of its banks soon fades from view, and Satan tows them into the middle of the stream and they are lost. The poet has said: "What a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive." 70 Lecture on Hypocrites It is natural for some to be hypocrites, and for some it is not natural to be hypocrites. If there is a patch of hypocrisy in the heart, it grows by cultivation. The more the Devil is encouraged the bolder he becomes. If he finds no weak spot in the heart, he journeys on until he finds what he is looking for — a heart with a ^'rotten speck in it." One hypocritical speck in a heart can be made to grow until Satan owns the whole territory and has a high fence around it. The membership of the churches are sand- wiched with hypocrites. It is impossible to keep them out. They get in for a purpose and usually accomplish that purpose. They put on Christ's cloak to do the Devil's work. Some- times the object is to deceive someone in mar- riage. Often when a man sees Cupid is slow or incapable of accomplishing what he intended him to do, Satan is called in as assistant. If the heart to be reached is given to the cause of its Master, Satan recommends conversion for his employer, and into the church he goes. The plan works. The woman who would have her heart welded to none other than one "filled with religion" falls into the trap, and becomes a bride. It was a "'happy event." Soon as the feast is over Cupid and the guests take their leave, but Satan and the hypocrite remain. The honeymoon is soon an eclipse — it is back of the clouds of discontent. Soon the domestic Lecture on Hypocrites 71 sky darkens ; the thunders roll ; the lightnings flash and hypocrisy is triumphant. The one who joins church to assist Cupid in making a capture is a base hypocrite. Some become Christians (?) that they may more easily de- fraud those with whom they have dealings. They pretend to be good that they may be bad and not be suspicioned, or have their faults overlooked by their brethren. The Devil's successor will be one that wears a religious cloak under which to hide what he steals. Hell is the home of the man who steals in the name of Christ. In joining church some play the hypo- crite by selecting the church that has the larg- est membership, because they think it will benefit them most in their business, in running for office, socially or some other way. Some would rather sell a few hundred dollars worth more goods than serve God according to the dictates of their conscience ; some would rather go to Hell than be caught in Heaven wearing a badge that represented a church with a small membership, and some can't enjoy a sermon that is not preached to a fashionable congre- gation. It is not surprising that there are so many hypocrites in the churches. The churches are too lenient with them. When they get in a church they usually stay until they "drop out," die or move away and are given a letter certi- 72 Lecture on Hypocrites fying that they are in "good standing," and commending them to the "christian love and oversight" of the brethren in another part of the Lord's vineyard. So long as hypocrites can get such letters from church boards, that long v^ill the church be bored with hypo- crites. They will always go in when they know they can get out bearing a certificate of good character. Because a man has his name on a church book is no reason he is a Christian. The man who has his name on the church rolls and works for Satan, will get choice of rooms in Hell. Hypocrites do more to hinder the progress of religion than all the rest of Satan's imps. They use the church as a cloak and religion as a blind to hide behind while they defraud and do worse. Hypocrites in religion are the Dev- il's eavesdroppers. As spies they learn the weak places in the lines of the Great Commander and assist in leading attacks against them. The man who uses the church as a cloak to cover up the black spots in his character will get few favors in the "land below." The two-pronged- tail ruler would keep a guard over him to keep him from stealing enough brimstone to start a business of his own. Lecture on Spells 73 LECTURE ON SPELLS All people have "spells." From the time they get their first clothes on until they are ready for cemetery suits they are subject to them. Some have spells often, some oftener and some oftenest. Some have hard spells, some soft spells and some half done spells. Some make everybody else wish they were dead or in the river when they have spells, while others make others happy when they have them. Some have spells and do not know it, but all their friends do. Many are real an- gels until a spell strikes them and then are real devils. Spells are one of Satan's plans to pro- mote emigration to his country. He would rather see one have a mad spell than to see the fire burn. He knows people have little if any sense when they are mad, as they then often do things that better fit them for his kingdom. Satan always smiles when he sees a man so mad that he is blind to reason. When a man has a mad spell he ought to hire someone to pour water on his head until the fire goes out. If no one had a mad spell there would be more friendliness, fewer divorces, fewer murders, and more people fit for Heaven. Hundreds of homes are wrecked because the husband, the wife or both have mad spells — spells when 74 Lecture on Spells they will not give the sense they have a chance to reason. Some men v^ouldn't seem natural if they didn't have mad fits regularly and make the home seem like Satan's place. Mad husbands often bellow like an enraged bull and make about as good an exhibition of sense. They curse the wife until she wleeps and the children until they hide from the infuriated animal they have been taught to believe is their protector. The man who will curse his wife and children is one of the biggest of fools and the worst of cowards. He is a Goliah in size and a David in courage. Wives are not free from mad spells. Many of them are subject to mad fits that make them veritable she lions. They make their husbands tired, their children despondent and the dogs and cats lonesome. They drive more sun- shine out at the door in an hour than can come in through windows in a week. They make all about them feel like taking shelter in a storm cave. There can never be complete happiness in the home where the wife has mad spells. Many husbands and wives have spells of be- ing good to each other. Some days they are all sunshine and some days all clouds. The smiles of today are the frowns of tomorrow. A home where the husband and wife have mad spells is a sorry place. There is more battle than peace ; hugging one day and clubbing the Lecture on Spells 75 next ; kisses today and growls tomorrow. The home is half blessed where the husband and wife do not have mad spells the same day. If one smiles while the other raves, the sunshine in one may dispel the clouds in the other. Sun- shine breaking through the clouds always gives encouragement. A mad wife soon gets ashamed of growling at a smiling husband. The little manhood in a man who curses his wife soon asserts itself when the wife laughs at his frothings. The man who wrote to a newly wedded couple, *T pray both of you will never get mad at once," wrote more wisely than he knew. He indicated the rock on which thou- sands of domestic crafts are wrecked. If a woman can't laugh while her husband swears at her, she should keep still and he will soon see what a cowardly idiot he is. If a man can't whistle when his wife growls, he should remain silent and she will soon apologize for making a fool of herself. They may be too stubborn to acknowledge it, but the husbands or wives who have mad spells in the home al- ways feel like they wanted someone to kick them as soon as their reason returns. Thousands have spells of being religious. They attend church today that they may serve Satan tomorrow without being condemned. They wear a religious cloak on Sunday and prayer-meeting nights and lay them aside the rest of the week. Those who are Christians by 76 Lecture on Spells spells hinder the good cause more than they advance it. The world points them out as samples of God's workers, and, regarding them as fair samples, scoffs at the cause of religion. If the churches could be cleared of those who are religious by spells there would be a fifty- per-cent reduction in Satan's business. Peri- odical Christians are a load on the "Gospel car." They ride while others pull; they ex- pect to go to Heaven on the good works of others. Thousands who claim to be Christians will never walk the "pearly streets" because none can be smuggled through the gate* All who go to Heaven have to work their way. Money will not buy tickets; complimentary passes to the New Jerusalem are never issued. Those who get to Heaven will not be accused of getting to the wrong place* Some have spells of trying to attend to the business of others. They poke their long, med- dlesome noses in where they have no ground to, and root like a hog hunting under the leaves for acorns. Some are too worthless to have business of their own, and some are too lazy to attend to the business they have. They would rather expend a pound of energy med- dling in the affairs of others than an ounce of enterprise in promoting their own interests. Such people are like the fice that barks at the heels of the St. Bernard— it is the only way they have of getting themselves noticed. Lecture on Leaders 77 LECTURE ON LEADERS Leaders are good and bad. A bad leader is one who lets the ox fall in the ditch, and a good leader is one who keeps him on the bank. There has never been a time when both kinds did not want to make a record. The difference between them is that one knows he is a good leader and the other thinks he is. Some never realize what failures they are as leaders until they tumble into the ditch, ox and all. If they would be content to follow and let those lead who can, they might get somewhere without getting mud on their clothes. One of the sad- dest sights is to see a man trying to lead, when everyone knows his place is at the foot of the class. There are many kinds of leaders, among them leaders in politics, leaders in society, leaders in reforms, leaders in church and leaders in enterprises. The real political leaders are as scarce as honest politicians. Men who can judge where the people are headed for and get in the lead in that direction are few. The people cannot be driv- en. The real leader learns which way they want to go and then makes them believe he knew it before they did. The man who essays to be a great political 78 Lecture on Leaders leader should have something under his hat besides wheels and a vacuum. He must have the right kind of brains, the right kind of ability and the right kind of sense, as well as truthfulness, honor and sobriety, if he suc- ceeds. The people will not long follow a drunkard or a fool. Washington was Ameri- ca's greatest leader. He had no wheels in his head or rotten spots on his character. He was the ablest and grandest leader that his coun- try has known. He knew the feelings of his people and led to where they wanted to go — to independence. Society has its leaders, those who pride themselves on being at the head of some "set." They strut about like peacocks on dress pa- rade, and admire their own tail feathers. Some people would rather be a leader in society than leader of a conquering army. The difference between a great general and a society leader is in the size and quality of the brain. The man who has brains sufficient to successfully lead any army, would rather be shot at than be a leader in society. Church leaders have more troubles than any others who lead, because the churches are so full of jealousy. A man that would not object to his neighbor being a political leader, stands on his hind feet and howls if the same neigh- bor is a leader in his church, though he knows somebody must lead if God successfully com- Lecture on Leaders 79 bats with the Devil's forces. Often the church people who kick most on those who lead, are too lazy, too luke-warm or too something else to put their faces nearest Satan's hosts. The cause of Christianity would make more rapid progress if there were not so many in the churches who take a back seat and growl be- cause others try to push the Lord's work. If all the church members in the world would push forward in concert, the Devil would be completely routed before the setting of an- other sun. The Devil succeeds so well because many of his best workers are in the churches. Some churches have so many in them that pull back so hard that the wheels of the "Gospel car" are often at a standstill or go backward. Leaders in reforms always have their troubles. They bump up against the same class of kickers that church leaders do. They are called fools and cranks, and sometimes it is proven they are. Many reforms are hin- dered because fools get in the lead. The great hindrance to the temperance cause has been that it has had too many leaders who are so cranky and abusive that they have disgusted people who think. They brand everyone a fool who does not see as they do. The man who thinks he can convince others he is right by abuse ought to take a course in a feeble-minded institute. A leader is not a driver. A fool in front is as dangerous as an attack in the rear. 80 Lecture on Leaders No reform movement was ever successfully led by those who did not have proper respect for the opinions of others. Leaders in enterprises get little thanks for the good they do a city or a community. They bear most of the burdens of the work and get all the kicks. Those who have no ability as leaders, or are too lazy to put in use what they have, sit on dry goods boxes or the fence and growl about what is being done. Too often those who have most money do most growling. Some who have neither money or ability think they are the chosen ones to head all enter- prises. Many enterprises fail because those who try to lead know too much ; they are too wise for this life, but don't realize it until they get to the end of it, and then lead to the ceme- tery. The only place where many who want to be leaders are fitted to lead is in their own funeral processions. Lecture on Society 81 LECTURE ON SOCIETY There are two great classes of society : they are society and "fashionable society." The former is the good, old-fashioned kind that has existed since the world began to be. It is plain people, acting in a plain, common-sense way. There is no exclusiveness ; no desire to be con- sidered better than those not (un) lucky enough to be in the "set." Good, old-fashioned society is the health of a community ; it makes everybody feel at home — like all the world was a mansion filled with brothers and sisters. It puts its arm tenderly around the neck of the poor, the weak, the timid, the disconsolate, and says : "Come with me, we'll enjoy life to- gether." It scatters flowers along the path- way of the discouraged and says : "Cheer up, brother, life is what you make it. Don't make it a cemetery until your case is in the hands of the undertaker." Good, old-fashioned society is what God gave to the world, that His peo- ple might enjoy the best there is in life — the friendship of true friends. But in this, as in many other things, people have drifted away from God and God's ways and have gone into partnership with Satan. This is why there is "fashionable society" — a getting away from those who do not happen to be "blue-blooded" 6 82 Lecture on Society or possessed of wealth and a desire to spend it foolishly. What is called "fashionable so- ciety" is a curse to civilization. It builds a barrier between those who would otherwise be friends. It makes people put an ascending es- timate on themselves and a descending esti- mate on others. It throws a gauze of respect- ability around many whose hearts are corrupt and their souls blackened. Many who are lead- ers in modern society are without a white spot on their souls or a pure place in their hearts. If they were taking an examination before God for a standing in real society, they would fail to make the required per cent. Rustling silk, fine jewelry and gaudy plu- mage often make a woman seem respectable when she is not. Broadcloth often permits a villain to mingle among honest people unsus- pected. All members of modern society are not bankrupt of honesty and respectability, but those who do not want for it overlook it in those who are not of the "set," because to do otherwise might stir up a smell that would make the man in the moon hold his nose. Modern society has no place for the poor but honest, yet canines receive a warm wel- come. A poodle dog often sleeps in the parlor when a poor young man would be kicked out of a rear door, so it would not be known "so- ciety" had been disgraced by his presence. Lecture on Society 83 Many women will slobber over a society poodle dog when they would not speak to a man who does not belong to the "select." There is lit- tle hope for a woman that can kiss the snoot of a dog. God pity the poor devil who has the misfortune to become the husband of such a creature. He may not die of hydrophobia, but he ought to, so he will not be in the dog's way. It is not encouraging for honest, plain men to know a dog finds a welcome in "so- ciety" when they are met with scorn. But they should remember all is for the best, and pity the dog. It is the chief ambition of many young men and young women to enter modern, fashiona- ble society. They would rather sit at the foot of kings and queens of society than be certain of places of honor in the New Jerusalem. Young people who essay to become stars in fashionable society are to be pitied. They imagine life's greatest demand on them is to try to look pretty, talk like a parrot and act like a fool. When they are over the line of exclusiveness they do not recognize their par- ents. Many young women shine in society, while their mothers take in washing. Many young men strut in broadcloth while their fathers flourish an axe for a dollar a day. Such young men and young women are a burden and a dishonor to those who gave them life. Hundreds are so busy fluttering in society 84 Lecture on Home that they are seldom at home, and what should be the sw.eetest place on earth becomes cold and cheerless. Instead of the sunshine of love and inspiration of hope there is the chilliness of neglect and the iciness of forgetfulness. The larger cities are full of vacant homes, because the crazy demands of society must be met. Those who put society above home will soon be homeless. LECTURE ON HOME Home is the heaven or the hell of earth. It is a place of peace and joy and love or a place of sorrow, despair and hatred. Its influences are good or bad. It lifts mankind or it drags it down. It is the abode of angels or the stopping place of devils. It is a place of rest or a place of unrest; a place of peace or a place of war. It is, or should be, a place of refuge — a place free from the peeps and squints of a meddle- some world. Homes are of two classes — happy and un- happy. Happy homes — those where there are peace and joy and love — are Heaven's prepara- tories, but alas ! how few are they. God smiles when another is added to the list of happy homes. An angel chorus is heard in Heaven when an unhappy home becomes a happy one. Lecture on Home 85 Humanity loves to linger in the home that is warmed by the inspiring rays of sunshine. Those who live in happy homes are not anxious to go to Heaven. Those who live in unhappy homes, do not care where they go or how soon they depart. They believe the location can- not be made worse. Homes are what the people make them with the help of two assistants — God and Satan. It is easy to get the assistance of either. If God does the helping, the home is what it ought to be — full of hope and happiness. If Satan as- sists, the home is what he wants it to be — a "hot place," the hotter, the more homelike to him and his fiends. Some people get so used to having the Devil in their homes that they feel lonesome if he is absent a spell. Many who reject God's offer to assist them in making their homes happy, welcome Satan and give him use of the best room in the house. Thousands of homes are little hells because the Devil has a ring in the nose of the head of the family and leads him about like a farmer does a prize bull. They boss their wives, abuse their children, are unkind to their friends and enjoy hearing sobs and seeing tears. Some brute husbands would rather hear their wives cry than hear an angel sing. They would rather see their life companions have a des- pondent look than a contented smile. There is no happiness, worth the name, in a home 86 Lecture on Home that has a heartless, cruel and domineering husband, and the members of his family will never know what it is to enjoy life until the divorce lawyer gets a fee or they gather around the "vacant chair." Though always sad, there is sometimes joy in death. Some women sur- render all their happiness at the marriage al- tar, and have no further use for it until they begin wearing mourning for their dead hus- bands. Men are not the only ones that assist in making unhappy homes more numerous. Many wives are equally as zealous and industrious in driving sunshine from the home. Instead of trying to drive the clouds away, they make them thicker, lower and darker. If rightly applied, women seldom lack the power to make home happy. A fool wife never made an angel of a bad husband. A weak, patient little wo- man often can make the cruel, despotic hus- band ashamed that he is a cowardly fool with- out reason. Kindness and a smile will accom- plish more than a scowl and a sharp tongue. When kind words and smiles fail, someone should use a club. There is often more quiet- ing force in one tap of a club than in an hour's reasoning. Since home is what home folks make it each one should strive to make it a place where God would not be ashamed to stop over night — a place where Satan would not feel at home. A Lecture on Home 87 little effort on the part of each one makes home a heaven. Wealth is not necessary to happiness. There is often less happiness in a stone mansion than in a log hut. There is only one brand of happiness, and that is as sw^et in a hovel as in a palace. How grand and how true are the words of John Howard Payne, the homeless wanderer, who said, "Be it ever so humble there is no place like home." Lack of wealth is often a source of happiness. Gold will not buy domestic sunshine. Many would gladly trade their millions for the happi- ness in a cabin home. Better wear calico and be queen of a happy home than wear laces and sit unhappily on a throne. If more people would strive as hard to make their homes happy as they do to get rich, there would be a larger population in Heaven. If there were no unhappy homes there would be fewer jails. The world would be what it should, but never will be, if the words of the poet were always true when he said : "A home, that paradise below Of sunshine, and of flowers, Where hallowed joys perennial flow By calm sequestered bowers." 88 Lecture on Growling LECTURE ON GROWLING Growling is a disease of the mind. It does not affect the one who has it as much as it does those who don't have it. It cannot be cured by medicine ; travel or change of climate will not cause it to disappear. A club is about the only thing that will bring results. It clings to the mind — where there is a mind, and if there is no mind it clings to the place where the mind ought to be. It is as useless as it is possible for it to be, yet there has never been a time when it was not in use. It is a worth- less luxury ; a dangerous nothing that is killing something. A growler begins at any time and never knows when to quit. There are amateur growlers and professional (chronic) growlers. The former growls because the liver is dis- ordered or the brain troubled ; the latter growls to prevent having spasms or the colic. A chronic growler is more tiresome than hard work. Growling is killing, and no death is more horrible than being growled to death. To be the victim of a chronic growler is worse than being stabbed with a pitchfork. It will drive people to the asylum or the grave. Fools, dogs and cats are the greatest growlers, but they get much assistance. A Lecture on Growling 8^ dog growls because he is mad; a fool growls because he knows no better. Growling is sometimes contagious — it will often drive others to growl in self-defense. Growlers are found in all kinds of homes and in all classes of society. They are in the lodge and in the church ; in business and out of busi- ness. In the lodge someone is not satisfied with the way some other one rides the "goat," and growls. Somebody does not like the way the officers were elected, and must growl to get relief. Somebody else thinks the wrong ones got the offices and growls until the goat gives its tail an extra shake or nervously pulls its whiskers. If it is a woman lodge someone growls because the men are not members ; and if they are members somebody growls until the men feel like they wanted to say a little of the good deal they think. There are always a few good, strong indus- trious growlers in every church. They growl and growl until they think they really have cause for making fools of themselves. They are never satisfied with the way matters are conducted. The preacher gets too much pay or he don't do enough work. He does too much calling or he don't do enough. Sister Jones sings too high or Sister Smith's voice is too "squeaky." Brother Brown don't pray right or some other brother don't pray at all; and so on along the way. One busy growler 90 Lecture on Growling in a church keeps the whole flock feeling uneasy. A sheep that is always bleating keeps the other sheep wondering what is the matter. If God were to select his followers, he would leave the grumblers to run with the goats. A church member that is never satisfied with what is done, and lets it be known, does more for Satan than for his Master. If all the growl- ing church members could be put into one church there would be more peace in all the other churches and God would win more vic- tories over Satan. Growlers are to be found in thousands of homes. In some homes there is one growler, two in some, and more in others. In some homes every member is a growler and when they all growl, the cats and dogs become dis- gusted and sneak away to hide. When a fam- ily of growlers join in a growling contest it sounds like three pairs of Tom cats were hold- ing an animated discussion on the wood shed. Some men are always complaining about what is done in their home. The cooking does not suit them ; the pictures are not hung in the right place or something does not suit their peculiar fancy. If they can think of nothing to growl about, they growl to keep in practice. A man who is always finding fault about some- thing in his home, would be as mad as a gored ox if his wife would find fault with his work. The man who wants to be boss in and out of Lecture on Growling 91 his house, is that far a tyrant or a fool — maybe both. No woman can Hve in peace with a man who knows it all. Wives are too often growlers. Some of them growl a little, some more and some a whole lot. Some women growl so much that their husbands always wear a kind of a what-in-the- devil-next look. They always seem to be ex- pecting something to hit them when they are not looking. It is easy to pick out a man who lives with a growling woman ; he never speaks until he looks around to see if the coast is clear, and even if it is, he speaks like he is afraid it would cause trouble. Some women get up growling, growl all day and then don't complain of being tired, but their families do. The wife who is a chronic growler drives hap- piness out of the home faster than it can come in. Her perpetual growling chills the heart, freezes the current of love and crazes the brain. If a woman wants to drive her husband from home, there is no surer way than to growl. Many men go to war because they would rather be shot than "nagged to death." No man desires a lingering passage from this world to the next. Children are quick to learn what they hear ; and if they hear growling they will soon excel their teacher's (their parents) as growlers. They growl because they think what their parents do is right. They prove to them their 92 Lecture on Economy ability to learn by giving them "as good as they send" when a growling contest is on. The child that growls at its parents when young will swear at them when older; and only its parents are to blame. LECTURE ON ECONOMY Economy is economy. It couldn't be any- thing else. It is only a proper use of good sense in conducting the affairs of life. All who have good sense do not use it when they should for their own good. Many are stran- gers to economy until driven into its presence by necessity. They never learn how to be saving until they have nothing left to save. After they have been lavish in the expenditure of money until it has vanished from their purse, they begin to try to be economical. But it is then so late in their years that they find it almost impossible to learn. If a man don't try to learn economy until he graduates in the want of it, he will not be an apt scholar. Old fools seldom learn in age what they should have learned in youth. Parents are too often to blame for their chil- dren knowing nothing about the value of money or the necessity of spending it usefully. Their children learn the lessons at Lecture on Economy 93 the hearth-stone that make a success or a fail- ure in after years. If the results of economy are fully impressed upon their minds and in their hearts at the proper time, it is seldom they are forgotten or unheeded. The child that gets everything it wants and wants every- thing it sees, is not the one that reaps the fruits of economy. Boys and girls who grow up in a home where dollars go as if they were dimes will live to see a time when dimes will look as big as dollars. It is what a child is taught that makes it fit to become a true soldier or a bush whacker in the battle of life. If more parents would teach their children economy instead of having teachers try to crowd them full of Greek and Latin, there would be more useful citizens. A child so filled is like a foundered calf — it knows something is the matter, but don't know what it is. People often exercise as little sense as chil- dren in c-onducting their business and provid- ing for their homes. They buy things they don't need because a neighbor has them. As long as they have a dollar in the house they don't sleep well. It is a misery to them to know they have enough ahead to buy a sack of flour, and the flour will be the last thing they think of buying. While no one should think of becoming a miser, all should avoid being the opposite. If it comes to choosing between them, it is better 94 Lecture on Economy to hold to the dollar so tightly that the eagle gets sick at the stomach rather than hold it so loosely that it flies away never to return. A sick eagle is better than no eagle. It is often said someone has more money than brains; when such is the case he soon has neither. Many men are financial wrecks because they have never practiced economy. They had plenty of money, and thought they would not live long enough to reach the last dollar in the pile. Like Oliver Goldsmith, the poet and historian, they have a "fly time" while their money lasts and then call on their relatives or friends for enough to start with again. They have fine turn-outs, fine homes, extravagantly furnished ; a lackey attends to every want ; the wife rustles in silk; the baby is smothered in costly dresses and the poodle sleeps on an im- ported rug in the parlor. To them the "con- tinued round of pleasure" seems to have no end; but it does, and they are left where they begun, unless the wealth was inherited. Children reared in luxury are usually as strange to economy as if it never existed. They have often grown up like weeds in a deserted pigpen — at random — and never learn the worth of a dollar because they never earned one. In youth they were not compelled to learn the value of money; they grow up without know- ing the well with most water in it is not always Lecture on Economy 95 the last one to run dry. If they had, it would many times save them from humiliation. It is better to be poor and know the value of money than to be rich and not know its value. A boy with a pocket full of money, and the wheels in his head not properly regulated, is sure to run down when he least expects it. Thousands of men know as little of economy as they do of themselves. The study of their lives has been everything except what it should have been. They may be good at all kinds of games, but always "play into others' hands" because they don't know what is best for them- selves. If they did, they would know a dollar saved is better than a dollar earned. Money spent foolishly had as well never been earned. The use to which a dollar is often put com- pels the eagle thereon to hang its head in shame. Often men will spend their money not wise- ly, and then complain of hard times and stingy people. They are always hard up because they are "soft down." They will chew tobacco and drink whiskey even if their families go to bed hungry. The revenue tax never gets too high on "rotgut" for them to buy and gulp, whether they pay the butcher and grocer or not. Often a liquor bill is paid promptly when an account for necessaries must be lost or collected by law. Whiskey may be good enough in its place, but it should have no place in a man 96 Lecture on Man who needs his money to keep his family from going hungry and poorly clad. If all men prac- ticed proper economy, thousands of homes that are veritable hells would be real heavens. Instead of the cloud of despondency, there would be the cheerful sunshine of happiness; the tired, patient and tearful wife would seem young again ; the children would sing instead of cry, and the family dog would not be driven to kill sheep to prevent starvation. LECTURE ON MAN Man is an animal. So is a mule. Both are kickers. There are no men among mules, but plenty of mules among men. A mule man is a natural kicker — one who has more activity in his **heels" than brains in his head. He was born to "kick" and does not feel well if he does not do what he was born to do. He was born when the sign was in the heels and does not know any better. This is why he is so often an object of pity. A man who is al- ways kicking ought to rent a stall for himself in a livery stable and send his friends "At Home'* cards. Some men do not knov/ as much as mules because they kick when there is noth- ing to kick at. This a mule never does. Byron said, "The world is a bundle of hay, and man- Lecture on Man 97 kind are the mules who pull." Each of them tries to get the biggest wisp of hay, and some would gladly see others starve while they get all the hay. Mules are more generous than men. A number of them would stand quietly side by side at a haystack and eat till they were ready to quit for want of room ; but a row of men would be trying to crowd each other out of their places in trying to get more than their share. Men often exhibit less sense than mules. A mule is usually satisfied with what he gets, but man never is. He always wants one more wisp of hay. Man boasts that he stands at the head of the animal kingdom, but the position is not of suf- ficient importance that other animals envy him, not even the mule. While man is allowed to claim his position at the head of the class, he is scattered all along down the line to the tail. There are "mules," "cattle," "hogs," "hyenas," "skunks," "vultures," "buzzards," and so on down the line, until some are not even fit to be classed as tails of humanity. Human hogs are very common. Hyenas are less common but more dangerous on short acquaintance. And human skunks — who has not seen and smelt them? They are everyone "stinkers." They saturate all about them with their stout odor. There is no peace, no rest, no sweet smells where they are found. Nothing is too little or too low for them to do. No reputation is safe 7 98 Lecture on Man where they travel. Like the four-footed name- sake, they travel at night and can be traced by the odor of their evil work. The vicinity in- fested by these animals is never at ease. One human skunk can keep a whole neighborhood holding its nose. Vultures profit by the toil of others, and are very dangerous. Human buz- zards are always finding something "rotten," often where nothing is to be found. They are the self-selected scavengers of society, and are usually seen sitting on the fence or a limb in the vicinity of a scandal. Their work is to scatter rather than make disappear. Man was made first, and he thinks this fact makes him better than woman. This is per- haps the reason some men think woman ought to be bossed by man. Not a few men feel more important over being boss of a household than others do over being governor of a state. They regard their wives as their slaves and never miss an opportunity to humble them. A man who believes woman should be bossed by man needs the wheels in his head set to turn in the right direction. A man is a man only when he acts like a man should. When he assumes to be superior in authority of the woman who, in the sight of Heaven, took him to be a man, he has a soft spot above his ears. Yet there are thousands of men afflicted with this misfortune. They think their wives are capable of doing nothing but work. They will Lecture on Man 99 not even trust them with a few dollars of the money they have helped to earn. They often will not trust them with money, but will loan money to those who do not save the money they earn, knowing its return is much in doubt. The man who cannot trust his companion with his money ought not to expect her to trust him with her love. Every woman is entitled to the full confidence of her husband until she has proven herself unworthy of it. For want of something better God made man of the dust, and he has had to "get up and dust" ever since he didn't have sense enough to hold his position in the Garden of Eden. He often thinks he could make a better world than he is in, but always neglects to make it, not even one for a sample. It is not new for man to think he can improve on God's work. Man is as full of conceit as Cupid is full of business. By the way, Cupid makes a fool of man as often as he tries, and he tries often. No man gets so smart that Cupid can't make him a fool. He knows all the weak spots in man, and knows which button to touch to make him most obedient. Men that are wise at all other times will let Cupid lead them by the nose until there is not room for them to back out. For one that knows his business and attends to it, the little god has no equal. If man would learn a lesson from him, he would seldom be a fail- ure in business. 100 Lecture on Cowards Man is said to be "the noblest work of God," and he thinks he is, but can't prove it to the satisfaction of woman. She knows him too well. LECTURE ON COWARDS There are many kinds of cowards, among them moral cowards, religious cowards, sneak- ing cowards, unprincipled cowards, cowardly cowards and plain, unpretending cowards. It is not dishonorable to be the latter. No one should be censured because nature has failed to supply him with enough courage to put him out of the cowards' rank. They are more entitled to sympathy than censure. But those who do cowardly things cannot be censured or con- demned too strongly. The man who does cowardly acts is an enemy to society. The one who stealthily or under the guise of friend- ship does a wrong deserves the severest punish- ment, and there are other cowards that should share in the punishment that knows no mercy. The man who steals into the chamber in the stillness of the night and takes a life is a fiend that should never have been given birth. He is a sneaking coward, the king of villains. Next to the murderous coward, is the cowardly coward, the double coward, the one Lecture on Cowards 101 who, while doing cowardly things does them from ambush, sneaking around in the mire of pure cussedness while he is shielded by an- other. The specialty of this class is attacking character. They seek to tear down that which they are not fortunate enough to have, clean, true, unassuming manhood. They take more pleasure in trying to ruin the good name of others than in making an effort for self-im- provement. Those who, through spite, jeal- ousy, disappointment or any other of the Devil's reasons, try to injure the good name of others, deserve more condemnation than they ever get. They are the guerrillas of society, shooting from ambush, changing positions of- ten to avoid detection* Such cowards are to be found in every community because Satan is too busy to take all his own to their home as fast as they ought to go; and if he were not busy he would not give room to all the cowardly cowards at once. If he did he would not be safe one minute, and might be driven from power to give place for an ambitious cowardly coward. No ruler of a kingdom knows his business better than the Devil. He always keeps everything in good working order and never trusts a sneaking coward or a thief in important positions. They never get above sawing wood and building fires. Moral cowards are those who have not the courage to resist evil. They are unable to re- 102 Lecture on Cowards sist temptation, and are often lost because they did not have the courage to speak what the conscience dictated. Thousands have been lost to the better life because they said "Yes" when they should have said "No." One of God's richest gifts to man is the power to know when to say no and the courage to say it at the right time. It often requires as much courage to say yes as no. Many men have failed to become heroes because they did not have the courage to say: "Yes, I'll go and do my whole duty as God gives me the power to see it." Washington did not lack the courage to say yes when called to the command of a small army that must battle with the strong nation that came to destroy. Neither did he lack the courage to say yes when asked to ac- cept the chief office of his country, even though the future seemed dark and discouraging. But his courage was not one-sided. When asked to become king or to accept a third term as president he did not lack the courage to say no. No one but the wisest of statesmen, the bravest of generals and the greatest of Ameri- cans could have done such grand work for his country and his people. No man that has come after him had his courage and wisdom. Unprincipled cowards do cowardly things without cause. They may do so for money, through jealousy or envy or for selfish pur- poses. Love of money often causes men to be Lecture on Cowards 103 the worst of cowards. Envious souls are never better at ease of mind than when doing some cowardly act. They glory in camping on the ruins of good character. Envy breeds cowardice in its worst form. The envious will be coward- ly without pay when they would be rewarded for being honorable. Religious cowards have their names on the church roll but never get any nearer the Lord. They enlist in His army but never fight. They get behind the nearest trees and stay there. If all who have enlisted with the Great Com- mander's forces were good soldiers Satan's army would be compelled to surrender without conditions. It is easy for those who want to get behind trees to find excuse for "taking to the woods." Sister Brown has too much to say, Sister Smith dresses too fine, or Sister Jones talks to the men too much or some other sister has been snubbed. Brother Wiseman was not consulted enough, Brother Dolittle had too much to do, or Brother Bring-up-the-Rear was not asked to lead when he was never known to be anywhere except behind. When a church member wants to pull back, he will lose sleep to find an excuse. The biggest re- ligious cowards find the most to kick about in the church. They see the faults of others and find themselves perfect. The Devil does not hang around a church where the flock works together in harmony. He is too wise to think 104 Lecture on Going his cause can be advanced where there is no envy, no jealousy, no tatthng, no backbiting, no chronic fault finding. To always be hunting for some excuse to get behind a tree is coward- ly. A religious coward cannot be a good Christian. The Lord expects his soldiers to fight. LECTURE ON GOING Going is an innocent-looking little word. It seems as meek as a lamb and as shy as a bash- ful school girl. There is nothing in its looks to indicate it would do anything that would cause a heart to pang with sorrow or leap with joy. Yet there is. It represents motion, and mo- tion moves the world. The world is always going round, but never goes anywhere, ex- cept back to where it started and then starts on another round. It don't do anything new, but keeps doing. Like the man in the tread- mill, it cannot stop a minute, but must keep on going, even if it don't go anywhere. So much like man : he must keep going — keep moving on the treadmill of Time. There is no rest until the end ; and what a grand thing it is that the human family must keep going. Too much rest makes men miserable. Action is life, and Lecture on Going 105 life is sweetened by action— when it is not the wrong kind of action. People are always going to do thousands of things they do not do, and not going to do things they do. Boys and girls often are go- ing to do things when grown that they never do. When older grown they still are going to do things that they forget about when they should remember. Girls are always going to marry the best men on earth, and boys are sure they will marry the best women on earth or anywhere else. "Alas for maiden, alas for judge.'* Most of them get as badly deceived as the one who bets on another's game. More people are fooled in getting married than by book agents. They are all sure they are going to get the best life partner, and most of them are afterward sure they got the worst blank in the box. Old maids and old bachelors are ever going to get married, but like unsalable goods at an auction there is too much "going- going-going" and too little "gone." Thousands of people are always going to do some act of charity, but put it off so long that their supply of charity is unbroken when they have to leave their business matters in the care of administrators. They don't even have executors because they were too long going to make a will. Those who are eternally going to do something, die going to do. It is better to do something wrong than do nothing. A 106 Lecture on Going wrong can be corrected, but there is nothing of nothing to correct. Hundreds are always going to perform some noble act. They are going to help the poor, encourage the enterprising or discourage wrong. They put off helping the needy until they have gone to the poor house or to their final rest. Thousands starve to death while those who are able to help them are always going to do so. Many honest, enterprising young men and young women go to ruin because those who are going to help them to secure a position or an education, never do. They strive and strug- gle to get a firm foothold until their means and patience are exhausted and they give up in despair, when a few dollars and a few words of encouragement would have insured success and all that comes with it. The sin of always going to do something to help somebody, is often laid at the door of parents. They put off doing something for their children until the children tire of waiting and go among strangers to seek the encouragement they should find at home. The time to help young men or young women is when they are starting in life. One dollar then is worth ten later. Hundreds of noble young men are failures in life's work because their parents hoarded all their wealth until their boys had given up the struggle — sat down at the foot of the Hill of Success Lecture on Going 107 resolved to try no more. At last when their ambition is gone ; the spirit of enterprise gone, death makes assistance possible, but too late. The time to help a worthy son is when he needs it— when he is leaving the foot of the hill. It may be too late when the administrator or executor does his work. Thousands of young men go to ruin annually while their parents are trying to spread over a few hundred acres of land, and are always going to help their boys. Many are "going to the devil" because they don't want to go anywhere else. They know a hot time awaits them in a place where there are no banks of snow, but they continue in their course. They do Satan's bidding willingly. They go straight along his ''broad highway" without taking any journeys on the cross- roads. They even make no effort to delay ar- riving at the destination until the weather gets cooler. They seem to be anxious to arrive in time to become a charter member in a new fire department. Some people are always going to Heaven — in their minds. They have much to say about the certainty to "be at home over there," but do little to convince those over here that they will be allowed to "walk the pearly streets." They seem to base their sureness of through and direct passage on the fact that they have their names on a church roll. They put on a long face on Sunday and bask in the Devil's smiles 108 Lecture on Dates the rest of the week. Such people often loudly claim they are ever prepared to meet their God, yet if Death knocks at their door, they sneak under the bed and feign to not be at home. Hell is so full of such christians that Satan is going to enlarge his kingdom. LECTURE ON DATES There are several kinds of dates. Among them are dates that grow on trees, dates that go on letters, picnic dates, chautauqua dates, fair dates, and dates v^ith the **fair." Dates that grow on trees are good to eat; dates that go on letters are good — to leave off, sometimes ; fair dates are often good not to remember, and dates with the fair are often too good to be true. The poet has said something about 'Mates that grow ripe beneath sunny skies." There are "dates" that may be said to grow riper beneath shady trees. It often happens that there are more dates made under the trees than grow on them. There are date palms, and there are dates that "take the palm," such as a 16-year-old girl having a date to meet a 32- year old man. Such dates are more common than they should be for the good of society. Young girls often know so much more than their parents that they would make a date with Lecture on Dates 109 one old enough to be their grandfather. They are so very wise that it is impossible for them to learn except in the school of bitter ex- perience. They chew gum and read dime novels until they imagine the world was made for their particular benefit. They employ most of their time trying to look pretty. While their mother does the work, they paw the ivory, parade the streets or fill dates that should be left empty. A young girl that prefers the streets and the company of men many years her senior rather than the company of her parents, ought to be sent to a reform school. It is much better that she go there than to ruin. When her mind becomes filled with the thought that she knows more than those who gave her life, it is time she is made to realize what a conceited fool she is. No one can be blamed for doing what everybody knows ought to be done. But sometimes the parents are as much, or more, to blame than their young daughters for the dangerous path they travel. They think their girls are so smart that they would do them great injustice if they compel them to remain at home of nights and read good books rather than be out promenading with old bucks that have been making and filling dates so long that they don't remember when they were young. Many parents seem to exercise less good sense in looking after their young daugh- 110 Lecture on Dates ters than they do in caring for their stock. If a hog or sheep was out of the pasture after night the owner would not sleep until it was returned to the pasture; yet this same owner would go to bed and sleep as peacefully as an angel when his trundle-bed daughter was out until late with — he knew not who nor where. No girl ever attains the highest degree of true womanhood unless she is raised right; and no girl is raised right unless her parents have good horse sense and use it in guiding their children in the way they ought to go. Parents can often prevent for themselves years of sor- row by a few months of proper discipline. If a child is properly raised and goes astray, the parents have consolation in knowing it is no fault of theirs. It is a pleasure for parents to know they have done all in their power to properly guide their children. Date making is not confined to young girls and old bucks. It is common as nouns that are not proper. It may be proper or improper. It is always plural though often singular. The gender is feminine and masculine, and in the objective case; object often matrimony. Old maids, old bachelors, old and young widows and widowers make dates. The homely and the handsome are not exempt ; likewise the wise and the feeble-minded. It is a favorite pastime of the feeble-minded. Often an old, }?Tizzled widower, with a cane in his hand and Lecture on Dates 111 a ''kink in his back," will make a date with a young widow, who would rather marry what is left of a man, if he has a fortune, than what is left of a fortune with a man. Love of money often rules the heart when Cupid should pre- side. Date making seems to be the chief aim in life with thousands. They do not seem to enjoy life if they spend an evening at home. This class is not confined to the unmarried. Not a few men with bright, intelligent wives will be out riding or walking with the rapid wives of other men when they ought to be at home with the women they promised to love, cherish and honor. Instead of doing as they promised, they disgrace and dishonor them. God ought to strike dumb such men and women as fearful examples to others ; and yet if He did what a gang of dumb fools there would be. They would be found in every strata of society, and in no strata would they be found more numerous than in what is called the "upper strata." No part of society is rottener than where is made the greatest pretense to perfection. Often society women, who elevate the proboscis at an unfortunate servant, are a disgrace to home and husband. Their date card is always full, and they are seldom where they ought to be. If all the doings of society were made known to the world, suicides would be so numerous that the undertakers would not have time to eat or sleep. 112 Lecture on Estimation LECTURE ON ESTIMATION Personal estimation is what people think of themselves or what they think of each other. Each one does, or should, place an estimation on himself, not contrary to himself and his ability. Every man should judge himself as he would have others judge him, fairly and impartially. The estimate should be too low rather than too high. If he places the estimate on himself above high-water mark, often he is compelled to wonder why the tide never reaches the line he has drawn. No estimate can be suitable for all times and under all circumstances. All persons have their best days. There are times when they are capable of greater achievements than at other times. No one can be rightfully judged by a single act. Like the sun on a clear day, a life shines bright- est when it is not clouded. A man is capable of greater deeds when all goes well with him. People do not always show the same wisdom, ability, or religious fervor. They have their spring freshets and their low ebbs. Some- times they are bank full of good thoughts or good deeds, and at other times the stream scarcely flows, resembling a small creek in dry weather. There are many who do not have enough spring freshets to wash the channels Lecture on Estimation 113 out; after awhile the flow stops, and there is stagnation. The streams of many lives have been at rest so long there is a green scum on them. Many place such high estimation on them- selves that others cannot agree with them without ruining their consciences. A man with a "staked-and-ridered" estimate of himself is like a small dog chasing a rabbit in high grass — only the noise he makes marks his location. Those who have most brains are most likely to estimate themselves too low than too high. The brain is the governor of the human ma- chine. It prevents the steam from getting too high, and causing an explosion. If the gover- nor is the right kind there is no danger. Some people have no governors and run too slow or too fast. Others have no steam gauge, and the steam is constantly escaping. Few human ma- chines are perfect. There are few of them that do not need attention, and but few of them are wise enough to acknowledge their inability to always do what is best. Over-estimation of self is one of the great misfortunes that comes to humanity. It wrecks the lives of thousands of young men and young women. When a boy begins to feel that he knows all that there is to be learned, he begins to go backward and don't realize what is the matter until he strikes something solid. Chil- dren who think they know more than their 8 114 Lecture on Estimation parents are deserving of pity. In their own estimation they are so wise that it makes them fools of the first order. A child that knows too much to accept advice from its parents is sure to get into trouble, and have to call on the parents for assistance in getting out of it. Many boys go to jail because they think they know more than their parent?s. Hundreds of boys have left this world at the end of a rope be- cause they did not heed parental advice. Many homes are clouded in sorrow because daugh- ters thought they knew more than their mothers. Many young women are caring for bastards because they placed too high an esti- mate on themselves and too low an estimate on the words of those who gave them life. One "smart" boy or girl often shrouds a home in sorrow or drapes it in mourning. The home with the most sorrow is too often the one where the children heed least the advice of their parents. One such child can bring home enough sorrow to drive out all the happiness brought home by the rest of the family. Many place a wrong social, moral or re- ligious estimate on themselves. They think themselves a little better than others, and show what they think in their peculiar walk and the elevation of their smellers. There are few peo- ple they condescend to be social with. They are angels without harps or wings, and little prospect of ever getting them. Some place Lecture on Wife Choosing 115 such a high estimate on their stock of religion that it makes them think they are so far above others rehgiously that God can easily catch them by the hair and yank them into Heaven. Some, v^lio are good, place such a low estimate on themselves that they scarcely can keep out of the reach of Satan. Lack of proper self-esti- mation is almost as dangerous as over-estima- tion. The Devil often overtakes people who don't know how good they are. To rightly estimate ability of self is a gift that is worth more than riches. The man who knows him- self knows that which is of most importance to him. The man who does not know himself seldom succeeds, LECTURE ON WIFE CHOOSING Choosing a wife is easy. Every man thinks he can pick out "the best woman on earth," and when she has consented to his picking he is happier than an angel. Sometimes his happi- ness continues and sometimes it ceases sudden- ly. If he choose wisely he continues to feel like he had wings; but if he chose unwisely, as many do, he soon feels like his wings had dropped off and his tail feathers fallen out. He feels like a whipped rooster on a warm day. The man who gets a wife worse than himself 116 Lecture on Wife Choosing deserves pity, if he amounts to anything. Some men are so mean that they never get wives worse than themselves. Most men try to get wives better than they are, and many of them succeed. God never intended that a good woman should become the wife of a bad man, but they often do. Hogs sometimes pick up pearls. If men would always use good sense in choosing wives there would be fewer cases in court. Marriage is a success or a failure in pro- portion to the lack of wisdom employed in selecting life partners. If a man marries for money he is a fool; if he marries for beauty he is a bigger fool; if he marries for anything except love, and love alone, he is the biggest of fools. As long as men marry money, a beautiful face or golden tresses there will be trouble at the fire-side. In selecting wives some men seem to shut their eyes and grab. They get wives that are no more suited for them in intelligence, tem- perament and raising than a lion is as com- pany for a sheep. This is because they know nothing about what they ought to know most about — ^human nature. People do not study it because they think they know all about it. Men will give years to preparation for a busi- ness life and not an hour to the study of man- kind that they may select intelligently the one that is to make them happy or miserable. A Lecture on Wife Choosing 117 man may be a great thinker, a great writer, a great philosopher or a great anything else and yet be a great fool when it comes to choosing a wife. The hod carrier often shows greater wis- dom than the statesman in selecting a wife. The tramp may choose a companion more wisely than a millionaire. With all his wisdom Socrates blundered in selecting a wife. Wealthy men often learn by bitter experience that it is easier to get rich than to get happiness by mar- riage. The man who buys a woman's love bargains for trouble. The mistakes of men in selecting wives are never so numerous or so big that others do not continually make similar mistakes. They do not profit by the mistakes of each other. Men have blundered into matrimony for thousands of years and they are still blundering. Instead of looking well they go it blindly. The men of today, in spite of the awful blunders of millions who have gone before, know no more about choosing wives than those who lived in the year one. While they have improved on every- thing else they go on selecting life companions in the old way — as it happens. Since the world began all men have been particular in selecting horses or cattle, but at no time have they all been so particular in selecting wives. They pass by an animal with a bad eye or a bad nature and will take to wife the first woman that is willing to be 118 Lecture on Wife Choosing taken. They must know all about the horse's pedigree, and will take a wife without asking a question, except the one they want answered in the affirmative. Often men who wouldn't buy a horse except one wide between the eyes will marry a woman that is "narrow between the eyes." They would not buy a horse that does not have a pleasant eye and a sensible look, but will take a wife with a dangerous eye and a look that would make a dog crawl under the house. This lack of good judgment may be understood when it is considered the horse is bought and the woman given away. People are always more particular about that which they pay for than that which is a gift. If women are not valued as high as horses, it i; not man's fault. If men always used as much good judgment in choosing wives as they do in selecting horses, fewer marriages would be failures. Too many men think more of a horse or a fat steer than they do of a woman, before or after marriage. Some do not have the privilege of selecting their own wives. Parents often select com- panions for their sons. When this is done, wealth, education, old acquaintance, social standing or something else less important than love is considered. Parents who insist on choosing wives for their sons, are beckoning sorrow to their door. If a young man is not capable of selecting a wife, he ought to be in a Lecture on Wife Choosing 119 feeble-minded institution. If parents would teach their sons how to select wives instead of selecting for them, they would not so often wreck their happiness. A man had better have others eat his meals than select a wife for him. Like many other things that went without change for eighteen hundred years, choosing wives is taking on reform, and may soon be at- tended with fewer dangers of mistake. Re- cently an Indiana widower advertised for a wife, and after three hundred answers came, notified those whose answers suited him most to meet him at Indianapolis and he would de- cide which one he would choose. This plan is similar to that of a horse buyer, and may soon be common. Then wives will be selected as horses are. Their teeth will be examined as to age; their eyes as to gentleness, vicious- ness or defectiveness; they will be trotted to test their wind, and, even as a gift, they will not be taken unless they prove to be just what is wanted. It will then not be uncommon for husbands to speak of their wives as having a "good mouth," "good wind," "good eyes," "fine head," "kind disposition," "good style, and action;" they will be "gentle," "sure footed," "not afraid of cars or automobiles," "16 hands high," "16 years old," "in good condition," "right in every way," "goes any gait," "never tires," "no road is too long for her," "works well in any harness," and "is a beauty." 120 Lecture on Husband Choosing LECTURE ON HUSBAND CHOOSING All women think they know how to choose a husband. To them it is something too easy to require more than a passing thought. If there is any one thing a woman is more certain of than she is of all other things it is how to select a life partner — a man she can pat under the chin and call her own. It is seldom she is guided by any studied or recommended rule. She turns the whole matter over to Cupid, and waits for the hackman to drive up and dump at the front gate the man who is to become a boarder or a landlord. If he has enough hustle to be a landlord she will not have to take in sewing or washing to provide for him and the rest of the family. But if Cupid sends a boarder she begins to rub her eyes — and the washboard — and wonders if it is her or the little god that is blind. She then realizes that choosing a husband is the most important act of a woman's life ; and that in the great matrimonial lottery it is easier to draw a blank than a prize. She then realizes that trousers may be full without being a real man in them. Before marriage every woman is sure she is to become the wife of the best man alive or dead, and wouldn't exchange him for all the world. Sometimes she has no cause to change Lecture on Husband Choosing 121 her mind, but too often she learns how badly she was mistaken ; would gladly trade him for a little corner of the world, and throw in his old clothes. Sometimes she finds a woman who is fool enough to take him off her hands, and sometimes she has to try to love, cherish and honor him until death or divorce makes her free again. If women would always use less haste and more sense in choosing husbands fewer of them would wish they were widows. Too much haste and too little sense in mar- riage is why so many women have men and not husbands. A man is a man; a real hus- band is an angel without wings. Husbands as God intended they should be, are as scarce as Diogenes thought honest men to be. Yet women will become so anxious to marry that they will almost shut their eyes and grab as the throng of eligibles pass. No matter what kind of specimens they get hold of they will hold on in fear that if they let go the supply will be exhausted before they can make other catches. A woman hates to acknowledge she makes a mistake in choosing a life partner, but if she does she means it and more too. If women would always fall in love with the man instead of with his eyes, his mustache, his clothes, his form or his feet, there would be fewer of them go blundering to the marriage altar. If they are inclined to be blinded they should open wide their eyes and look at the 122 Lecture on Husband Choosing man as he Is, not as he seems to be. Every- man talks as he is; acts as he is; Hves as he is. If he is kind to his mother and sisters he will be kind to his wife; if he abuses them he will beat his wife. If he smokes in the pres- ence of his sweetheart he will have less respect for her as his wife. If he is a drunkard as a lover, he will go to bed with his boots on as a husband. If he is jealous before marriage, he will be more so afterward. If he wants to boss as a lover, he will be a tyrant as a husband. If he is too stingy to buy ice cream for his sweetheart, he will expect his wife to wear a calico dress to church, and will growl like a mad bear if she wants to spend some of the money she has helped to earn. Some women choose a husband like they meant it, and some choose at random, taking the first one that comes their way, and decid- ing afterward whether they meant it or not. Others are so hard to please that they pass many good chances and then grab some one that has been on the market so long that he is shelf-worn and has a forgotten smell. When a woman accepts a relic of whom all the old maids in the surrounding country can truth- fully say, "I could have had him if I had wanted him," she might as well be dead or apply for a divorce. She will always feel like she has been arrested for stealing nothing. It is not strange that many women are ask- Lecture on Husband Choosing 123 ing the price of divorces ere the sound of the wedding bells has died away. Their whole study is how to attract men, giving no time to the study of men. They will be two weeks in selecting a hat or a dress and choose a hus- band almost on sight. They will not have a dress until they know just what kind of ma- terial is in it, and will accept as a life partner a man whom they have known only a few days or weeks. Their acts indicate they think it more essential to know the kind of material in a dress than to know the kind of material in a husband. The woman who considers mar- riage lightly is almost certain to have a heavy weight about her neck. Often women who rush into matrimony while young, lest they become old maids, learn, when it is too late, that it is much better to be an old maid than a young fool. The woman who takes the first man she finds on the counter is surprised to learn there are hundreds of more desirable ones on the shelves willing to be chosen. The best goods are not stored on the counter. Men who would be the best husbands are usually least anxious to marry. 124 Lecture on Fault Finding LECTURE ON FAULT FINDING It is natural to find fault, but more natural with some than with others. Some find fault occasionally, some frequently and some eternal- ly. Some would rather find fault than find money. There is always something that does not suit them. If they were suited one week they would never cease complaining about the loss of time. Finding fault begins at the cradle and ends with life. Before it can talk the infant makes plain it is not suited in a way that does not admit of doubt of meaning. The child that is a fault finder before it can talk, will be no less one when it can talk. As its age increases its fault finding becomes more systematic until it becomes an expert long before it is grown. Many children soon learn to find fault with their parents because they do not do things to suit them. It is not unusual that children think they are much wiser than their parents. Often a child ten years old feels sorry that its parents know so little. When a child becomes very wise so early in life its parents will soon have to ask their smart descendant when and how they should do things. They can do nothing to suit it. They don't talk right; they don't walk right; they don't eat right; they don't Lecture on Fault Finding 125 sleep right ; they don't do anything right unless it is to allow their wise son or daughter to have full sway. It is the children that think they are so much wiser than their parents that soon- est go to ruin. A child who believes it can learn from its parents is in no great danger of going down instead of up hill. Assumed wis- dom destroys almost as many lives of young people as novels, tobacco and whiskey. It is a weight to drag them down. Fault finding often breaks up happy homes. When the husband and wife or both find fault with each other the happiness of the home is in danger. A husband who is always com- plaining drives his wife to desperation. No woman will long be patient under complaint of what she is or does. If a man has good sense and knows how to use it he will not find fault with his wife. If she finds fault with him he should whistle or keep still. It does not matter how still he keeps or how loud he whistles. It will have the same effect to whistle "There is a Land Fairer than This" or "I'll soon Be at Home Over There." It may be a little incon- venient for a man to whistle when he feels like swearing, but it is easier and much safer than trying to keep even. When a woman is always finding fault with her husband he should consider what a great relief it is to his neighbors; it will come their time after a while, then he can rest. A chronic fault finder 126 Lecture on Fault Finding is one of nature's curiosities and ought to be tolerated. Churches have more fault finders than are anywhere in an equal number. They find fault with everybody and everything. The preacher does not suit; he is too friendly or not friendly enough. If he wears a long face and Prince Albert coat, he is too proud and thinks him- self better than common people. If he jokes and wears a sack coat "he is too gay and lacks dignity." The choir don't sing the right kind of songs, and the leader don't know his busi- ness. Sister Jones talks too much to the men or Sister Smith is not friendly enough. Brother Jones prays the same old prayer he used to, or Brother Smith don't pray at all. The janitor keeps the room too hot or not hot enough, and so on till the church is in a turmoil and the Devil moves in to help complete the work being done in his behalf. The more fault finding there is in a church the better Satan is pleased. When he finds a church with many fault finders he has little fear of it making strong resistance to the progress of his work. Members of the church who find the most fault are usually those who do the least work in the vineyard. They are so busy complain- ing that they don't have time to work. They help Satan more than his hired assistants, and their only reward is the satisfaction of knowing they pulled back, which is something any mule Lecture on Which 127 can do. The church that makes best progress puts the fault finders in front of the gospel car and pushes it over them. LECTURE ON WHICH It has long been in doubt as to which is which, whether Satan is the Devil or the Devil is Satan ; whether both are which or which is the whicher, and if one is whicher which one is the whicher, or is one more whicher than the other; therefore, which is which? Satan is the Devil dressed in his Sunday- clothes. He is Dr. Jekyl while the Devil is Mr. Hyde. They are both one, but it is some- times difficult to tell which one. Each has his work to do and he does it. Satan wears broad- cloth and the Devil wears jeans. Satan makes his home in purgatory and moves in good society; the Devil lives in Hell and moves every time it gets too hot for him. Satan is welcomed to the parlor ; the Devil is at home in the saloon and worse places. Satan looks through lace curtains while the Devil is too drunk to see. They understand each perfectly. Satan tends to his business and the Devil tends to his business. Dr. Jeykl knows what Mr. Hyde is going to do and Mr. Hyde knows what Dr. Jeykl is going to do. Both are experts in 128 Lecture on Which their work, and are always busy. They are progressive; they move as the world moves. They employ up-to-date methods in getting converts or adding to their long list of victims. While some of the old ways are used in drag- ging people down from the paths of honesty, manhood and virtue, there are many new ones in use. Satan goes into the gilded parlor and tempts the jeweled queen of society or the dia- monded young man to follow where he leads. They play "progressive eucher," "ping pong" or some less creditable pong, and drink of costly wines until Satan smiles a good deal and is most happy. While this scene is being seen, the Devil leads an intended victim to a "back room" or a brothel where less fashion- able games are played and the poorest of whis- key is the drink. There they are put on the fastest train to Hell and all the brakes are thrown off. Wine is Satan's favorite drink and "rot gut" whiskey the Devil's choice beverage. They always drink to the health of their fol- lowers. The twain are always industrious and are often overworked, though they have much hired help, and are constantly adding to their force. One of the secrets of their success is that they are always at work, and give employ- ment to everyone seeking it. They never turn away one who wants something to do, no mat- ter whether they want to work eight or sixteen Lecture on Which 129 hours a day. They never put a limit on the hours of those wilHng to serve them. Often the one who seeks honorable employment of honorable people is refused and then goes straight to the devil and gets a job. Church people often drive others to ruin by refusing or neglecting to do what they can for them. Everyone is going somewhere and people us- ually go where there is the most inducement. Thousands of boys take the downward path because Satan makes them feel welcome. They are not snubbed or made to feel that their room is needed for others. They get the best the place affords. The Devil always has a warm place in his heart and his home for callers, while the churches and the hearts of church people are often cheerless and cold to all not in the circle. Satan is never better pleased than when he can induce a church member to find fault with the preacher or some other mortal who is trying to do the best he can. If Satan could be kept out of the churches, Hell would not need to be so large. Satan induces some people to go into the churches because they can serve him better there than they can out of them. Satan always reserves front rooms for those who are in the church to help their business or for political reasons. He knows they will be home by and by. The man who uses the church for a cloak will go where extra wraps are not needed. The 9 130 Lecture on Boys Devil gathers in more converts than Satan but he don't bag such big game. While the former is stringing suckers and mud cats, the latter is landing pike and perch. Both are suc- cessful anglers. They catch some by baiting with money, others by baiting with office and some by baiting with anything that looks en- ticing. People are so full of the desire for wealth or honor that thousands of them would rather have either than a through ticket to the New Jerusalem. LECTURE ON BOYS There are two great classes of boys — good and bad. The good are good, better, best ; the bad are bad, worse, worst. Good boys are fewer than they ought to be ; bad boys are more numerous than they should be. Both grow up ; the former go upward and the latter go down- ward. Good boys seldom become bad men, and bad boys seldom become good men. Good boys are raised and bad boys usually grow up like a weed in a hog lot. Good boys are a joy to their parents ; bad boys fill the hearts of their parents with sorrow. Bad boys sometimes be- come good, but thousands of them join the Devil's forces and serve him till they are mustered out of service. Bad boys become Lecture on Boys 131 worse by association, by idleness, and by read- ing dime novels. When a boy begins reading the accursed stuff found between the yellow covers of novels, he is lost unless his eyes can be opened to the danger of reading the lies that are the children of diseased brains. Every day men are dying at the end of ropes whose downfall can be traced to the reading of Satan's literature — novels. The lives of the great bandits and their fate are enough to make every boy turn away from dime novels, and parents pray that the authors of the vile stuff, lit only to kindle the fires of Hell, be damned. Some boys do not think they are manly un- less they do not obey their parents, and dis- grace themselves by calling them "old man" and "old woman." They are kind to every- one except those who gave them life. Such boys are little fools, and the parents who will submit to their impudence and lack of sense, are big fools. No father should allow an over- smart son to rule him. When a boy has not enough respect for his parents to treat them with common decency, he will seldom make a good citizen. A boy without filial love is like an angel without wings. All good men were dutiful sons. Many boys do not feel the thrill of manhood until they chew tobacco and smoke cigarettes or cigars. They can feel themselves grow as they squirt tobacco juice or blow out a puff 132 Lecture on Boys of smoke. They never feel bigger, not except- ing the first time they escorted a girl home, than when pushing a cigar ahead of them or making a rainbow of amber. God pity the mother whose young son smokes and chews. God pity the father who will allow his young son to do these things. God pity the parents who are eternally raving about the accursed- ness of whiskey and allow their sons to chew and smoke without an attempt to prevent a habit that creates a desire for strong drink. If half the effort against the sale of liquor was directed against the use of tobacco, there would be fewer saloons, fewer drunkards, fewer peo- ple tumbling headlong into perdition. No true temperance lecturer will lodge a quid of tobac- co in the corner of his mouth while he con- demns whiskey. Few, if any, who drink to excess do not use tobacco. There is more than one way to save boys from ruin. Boys are samples of what men are made of. If the sample is right, the man will be right; if the sample is wrong, the man will not be right. If a boy is what he ought to be the world will know where to look for him when he becomes a man. If he is honest, truthful and industrious he will not be found along the down-grade end of the path of life as he grows in years. Such a boy obeys his parents, seeks knowledge and has an ambition to be more than a cipher. He spurns the company of boys Lecture on Boys 133 whose words and acts degrade, and seeks the company of those whose Hves upHft. When grown to manhood he is found among those who are useful to mankind. That there are so many men who amount to Httle is because there have been too many boys who amounted to nothing. Lazy, worthless boys are not the ones that become men of whom the world is proud. They are not the ones that lead in great enterprises. There would be more use- ful men if there were fewer boys who think they are wise before they are a little more than half a score years old. They know all that is to be known so early in life that there is no room for improvement as years are added to their lives. They will not heed the advice of their parents nor listen to the admonition of friends. Many boys are so wise at twelve or fifteen years that it is not possible for them to learn anything. Boys who *'know It all" are the most ignorant when grown to manhood. Swelled up by the conceit of youth they drift along in the tide of their self-estimation until its receding waters, forced back by the stern experience of manhood, leaves them adrift in the marshy abode of withered conceit. The boy who thinks he has knowledge to spare will feel the lack of it when he becomes a man. The boys who are pushing to the front, fill- ing places of honor and trust, are truthful, honest, industrious and sober. The boy who 134 Lecture on Girls uses tobacco is seldom free from the ruinous effects of strong drink, and no one is willing to trust his work to those whose brains are not at all times clear. The boys who do not re- spect and obey their parents are not the ones who are ascending highest on the ladder of fame. Boys who succeed deserve success. Boys who loaf about the streets while others remain at home of nights and read useful books wonder why they are passed by when positions are to be filled. Those who waste time in youth al- ways wish they could live their lives over. Those who do not gather roses in the spring- time of life are glad to get dandelion bouquets when they are farther down the road. LECTURE ON GIRLS There are three kinds of girls : Good girls, bad girls and girls. Good girls have no limit in their value to the world, and bad girls have no limit to their lack of value. Good girls are the "salt of the earth" and most of the best sugar. Bad girls are the rotten spots on the fair name of young womanhood. Girls that are neither good nor bad are as likely to go down as up stream. They are at the mercy of the wind. Good girls have enough sense to know they Lecture on Girls 135 do not know all that is to be known. They like to be at home and assist their mothers with their work. No place has so many charms for them as the old home. It is a heaven to them and they are angels to it. Girls that are not in love with home need the sympathy of all their friends. They are in danger of drifting to the wrong bank of the Stream of Life and become lost in some of the whirlpools of evil that num- ber their victims by the hundred. It is the girls that love home and mother and grow up under their blessed influences that are sought by level-headed men for wives. They are the jewels that bedeck womanhood and make it God's richest blessing to man. With- out them hope would be dimmed and the future become as a cloudy day. Girls that are taught to help their mothers make the useful women. They are worth something to the world. They do not grow up as weeds along a lazy man's fence, and hide from view the useful crop in the field. The time is almost here when a girl that can sew, knit, cook and in other ways be useful is a curiosity. In these days of learning to dance, vieing for leadership in clubs and in dress, parading the streets, pawing ivory, chewing gum, reading novels and entertaining young men every night in the week, girls that become fit for wives are so scarce that old bachelors are becoming more numerous. Blanks in the matri- 136 Lecture on Girls monial lottery are so plenty that many men are afraid to **try their luck" lest they draAV a full-grown "doll," or a life-size "butterfly." A girl that cannot rise above chewing gum, read- ing novels and being seen on the streets seven- teen times a day, ought to take a course at a feeble-minded institute before she consents to make some man miserable for life. Yet this class of young girls are often snapped up for wives as readily as Polled-Angus heifers are eagerly taken at a public sale. Such cattle are usually worth what they cost, but such girls are too dear even as a gift. It is no wonder so many girls are so useless, except as ornaments. Almost as soon as they are big enough to toddle they are pushed into society. They have beaux before they put aside short dresses. They are at parties, out walking or riding when they ought to be hold- ing trundle beds down. It is a mystery why many very young girls are often given so much latitude by their parents while their dogs are kept tied up. Parents could often be spared from lasting sorrow and the home from the darkest disgrace by turning the dogs loose and keeping the girls at the fireside, tied if neces- sary. When girls learn there is no limit to the rope that should keep them near their parents and in the heavenly sunshine of home, they are soon so much smarter than those who gave them life that nothing less than a good, hard Lecture on Girls 137 bump against a brick wall will knock the con- ceit and impudence out of them ; and the sooner they get the bump the better the chance for them making useful women. Girls who think they know more than their mothers are too plenty for the good of society. Usually when girls get to having beaux, they soon think they are so much wiser than their mothers that they feel sorry for them. They do not realize that their good, old mothers know more in an hour than they know in a month. Girls who think they know more than their mothers too often bring sorrow to the home. They do not see danger until it has overtaken them. When a girl gets so smart that her mother's words do not influence her, she is a disgrace to her parents. It is the fool that is wise in his own conceit, and fools are daily becoming more numerous among the girls ; but it is not always their fault. Too often their training is neglected while the mothers shine in club or lodge circles. While mothers keep chairs warm in the club-rooms, the Devil makes it hot in their homes. Girls should not be allowed to be promiscu- ously absent from home of nights. If they pre- fer the streets to home after dark, there is cause for alarm. When young girls put the streets above home, it is time to go in search of them with a bull's-eye lantern. The sooner the slack is taken out of the ropes the better. 138 Lecture on Patriotism Mothers often make themselves tired when night comes cooping young chickens and then rest perfectly contented without knowing where their young daughters are or what kind of company they have. Girls cannot be proper- ly raised by mothers being more concerned about chickens than about them. Mothers who are careful that their young poultry is safe from the four-legged skunks, should not neglect to see that their young daughters are safe from the two-legged ''skunks." LECTURE ON PATRIOTISM When July 4 comes there is an overflow of fire-crackers, oratory and patriotism. That is the day that love of country runs rampant and the greased pig panteth in the chase. The orators soar to lofty heights and the fat men make fools of themselves for two dollars and thirty cents. A chorus of "a hundred trained voices" sing "My Country, 'Tis of Thee," and a boy pushes himself up a greased pole for a silver dollar. The brass band toots "America" till the tooters are red in the face and the sprinters sprint for first prize. The wheel- barrow races, the sack races, the potato races, the bicycle races and, when evening casts its sable mantle over the assembled thousands, the Lecture on Patriotism 139 fireworks ; the sky-rockets go skyward ; the Roman candles roam heavenward; the "whirly- gigs" whirl, and the "nigger-chasers" chase. Then the people return to their homes tired, sore and disgusted. They have "celebrated" Independence day, and they feel like apologiz- ing to Uncle Sam and asking forgiveness of the American eagle. No wonder the former gets up late on the morning of July 5, and the latter wants no breakfast that day. Both would like to quit their jobs and get others where the people celebrate the birth of their independence in a manner becoming a great country filled with lovers of liberty. Think of so many millions of people trying to exhibit their patriotism in a manner that is neither dignified nor sensible. It is a sad con- dition when, on July 4, a greased pig is of more interest than the American flag. What would George Washington say if he could see Ameri- can boys trying to climb a greased pole on July 4 for a dollar or two? His great heart would be pained to the core. What if Thomas Jefferson and Patrick Henry could see some three-hundred pound Americans chase down the line for a new hat, a pair of suspenders or two socks? Tom would regret the day he wrote that Fourth of July piece and Pat would ask why he said, "Give me liberty or give me death !" Why all these freaks of foolishness in cele- 140 Lecture on Patriotism brating Independence Day? Instead of pay- ing boys and men to chase greased swine or race in the heat, why not pay them for the best singing of a patriotic song or reciting a patriotic poem? No wonder an attempt was made to legislate love of country into the ris- ing generation by floating Old Glory from the school houses every day in the year. While the attempt was a sorrowful lack of good judg- ment and a miserable failure of results, it was perhaps intended to get the minds of American girls and boys turned away from thoughts of modern Fourth of July celebrations. Patriotism is inborn in the human heart, and beyond the power of legislation. Everybody has a supply of patriotism and are anxious to put it on parade. George Wash- ington loved his country, also a widow. There has never been a discussion as to which he loved the more. His love of country did not lessen his love of Martha, and his love of Martha did not lessen his love of country. He fought for his country, but he did not have to fight for the widow. He got her in the usual way — as a gift. They lived together un- til his death, and they no doubt attended many Fourth of July celebrations; but they never saw the day disgraced by a greased pig climb ing a greased pole or a fat man chasing a potato with a wheelbarrow. Many young men and old ones, too, are so Lecture on Patriotism 141 full of patriotism when they "go to the Fourth" that they "throw a few slugs" down their throats to keep it from overflowing, but, like truth, it will not be kept down. Before the day closes their patriotism breaks loose and they see all kinds of eagles and Uncle Sams. They sing "The Star Spangled Banner," "Hail Columbia," and every other woman they meet with a patriotic fervor that causes them to "stagger" under their "load" of patriotism. They keep their "spirits" up till they go down and are nabbed by another American who wears a star, but no star spangled banner, on his coat. But, as our great Independence Day is a day of go-as-you-please, why should a patriotic American not be allowed to drink in the spirit of the occasion. Even the fire-cracker takes on a "bust ;" everybody gets full-enough of the day to last them a year, and have that "tired feeling" next morning. Patriotism is as good as it ever was, but it sometimes manifests itself in ways that are not commendable. 142 Lecture on Nice People LECTURE ON NICE PEOPLE There are two kinds of nice people, one is nice as God intended them to be and the other is nice as the Devil wants them to be. The former has good sense and the power to use it ; the latter may have good sense but fails to rightly apply it for their own good and the good of others. Those who are nice as God in- tended, have wisdom that betokens a healthy brain condition and a respect for the feelings of others that makes manhood hopeful of human- ity. They do not elevate their smelling ex- tensions in a manner that indicates that the estimate they put on themselves places them well above those who may have met with mis- fortune or whose lives have been darkened by the vicious and slimy tongue of scandal. Wealthy people, who are perhaps enjoying fortunes that came to them by inheritance, are often too nice to associate or even condescend to speak to those who are poor but honest. Sometimes they are not to blame because along with their wealth, they may have inherited the lack of good sense in their treatment of those who earn their bread by the sweat of their brow and have hearts as pure and noble as God ever gave to his children. One of the saddest Lecture on Nice People 143 misfortunes that comes to man is to have more wealth than brains. Seldom do those whose wealth comes by their own industry or business ability disdain those who have been less fortunate. Usually those who have achieved success by their own efforts, or with timely assistance, have sense enough to realize that those nearer the bottom of the ladder have hearts and feelings and be- long to the great class on which rests the pros- perity and safety of the nation. It is those with brain room to let that estimate a man's worth by the amount in his purse. Only a fool will judge a man by the size of his bank account. In what is called "society" are always found many "real nice people." They will recognize none except those whom they think are in their class, socially, financially, educationally or "dressfully." For the world and a poodledog they would not be seen with those who are not rich or "dressed in the height of fashion." With them dress or wealth is above character. Women in this class will associate with a fash- ionably-dressed libertine but would not speak to a man of character if he is not dressed to suit their fancy. They are too nice to recognize honor and worth because they are not adorned with fine raiment. "Society" men have no more sense than society women. Too many of them prize fine clothes higher than they do virtue. They will associate with richly dressed 144 Lecture on Nice People women of questionable character when those with pure hearts and less costly apparel are passed with a sneer. Putting dress above character has sent many down the road to ruin. Fine clothes please the eye but cannot purify the heart. Those who select friends by the clothes they wear will become wiser by their own mistake. Women are often disgustingly peculiar. They will become too nice to associate with a girl who has not loved wisely, but will not frown upon the brute who ruined her life. Many young women have become discouraged by the manner they are met by their women friends after misfortune came to them, and took the downward road. Satan claims thousands of women because their sex disowns them. It is not alwa3^s those whose lives are right that become exceedingly nice. Often those whose souls are blackest have most to say about the characters of others. Those who make loudest claims of purity often do so to hide the spots on their own characters. They judge themselves too nice to associate with those who may be wrongly accused, while the skeletons in their own closets are so crowded that they are saying ''Stand over." People who are extremely nice are most ready to believe reports against the characters of others. Some people are so nice that they stink. Some wives are so nice about their homes Lecture on Nice People 145 that they make their husbands miserable. Their only thought is to keep everything nice for company. They will not allow their husbands to sit in the best chairs, lie on the lounge nor enter the best room lest there will be a speck of dust more to mar the pleasure of a visit from a lady friend. Such wives forget that the home is first for the family and then for others. The husband who is eternally told to keep out of the best chair and the best room soon begins to think his home is too nice for him, and goes to the club room where he can lie on the best lounge or sit in the best chair without objec- tion. One of the surest ways to keep a man from the club rooms is for his wife to make him think there is nothing in his home too good for him. It is better to have a little dust on the best chair than to have doubt and disgust in the husband's heart. If the Devil has not too much the start of her, a wife usually makes the hus- band what he is. A woman can make an angel or a devil of her husband, and what she makes him she deserves. Some husbands are so nice that they do not think their wives are good enough to be seen in public with them. While they are seldom at home, their wives are seldom away from home. They seem to be ashamed of those whom they pledged to love and honor. The man who would rather be seen with other women than with his wife is helping Satan 10 146 Lecture on Money drive happiness from his home. There are also wives who would rather have their husbands at home than in public with them. They seem to enjoy the company of all other men better than they do the presence of those to whom their love belongs. They are cheerful when with other men and wear a funeral look when their husbands are near. When a woman pre- fers the company of other men to that of her husband, the Devil has her by the hand, and she makes no effort to have him loose his hold. LECTURE ON MONEY Money is not the root of all evil nor is it the source of all good. While there is no crime that money will not accomplish, many crimes are not the result of the influence of it. While there is no good that cannot be accomplished with money, there are many noble acts per- formed without its influence. Therefore, that which is evil may be evil from nature, and that which is good may be good for the same reason. Money is a necessity, whether it is wampum or gold. While it is often used to promote evil, that is not sufficient proof that all evil can be traced to it. While in thousands it is the index of the greed in them, in thousands of others it is the index of a desire to provide for themselves Lecture on Money 147 and families. Because a miser hoards money while he wears rags and eats little is not posi- tive evidence that money is never hoarded for good purposes. Money is what everybody wants and millions get so little of. While it is a curse to some, it is a blessing to others. The downfall of thou- sands is traced to the day they came in posses- sion of much money, while the uplifting of thousands dates from the day they became rich. Money has taken men to the gutter and it has taken men out of the gutter. Money has dragged men from positions of respectability and honor; it has put hope into the despondent heart, and turned the downward career toward a life of honor and usefulness. While money is the god of millions, it is the servant of mil- lions. While no one has, perhaps, made a success of serving God and mammon, that does not prevent the continuation of the experiment. Many would rather be rich than be saved. Money is many sided. It does not withold its influences from God or Devil. It helps God to build up, and assists the Devil in tear- ing down. There is no good that God and money cannot do; there is no evil that the Devil and money cannot accomplish. Money takes people into the church who are servants of Satan, and keeps out of church those who would make faithful servants of their Master. Love of money is too often the religion of 148 Lecture on Money church members. They use it so lavishly that their presence in the house of worship does more harm than they do good. Love of money sends more people to perdition than the Devil has time to care for. Money w^recks homes, ruins character, and makes life a hell to those who apply it wrong- fully. Money is one of man's worst enemies and one of his best friends. It makes him glad and makes him sad. It lifts his downcast spirit, and drives hope from his heart. It pushes him up the Hill of Life and hurls him down on the other side. It starts a man to the devil and then throws the rub locks off; and when he reaches the bottom of the grade takes him by the hair and lifts him to a place of honorable prominence. It saves him and ruins him ; it plays Avith him as a cat with a mouse. Christ was betrayed for money — for only thirty pieces of silver; and there are hundreds of men today who would do as Judas did for half the amount if they had an opportunity. Mr. Iscariot was not prompted to betray his Master by the love of money alone, but it awoke to action the "pure cussedness" in his heart. If his heart had not been blackened by an inclination to do wrong, the promise of money would not have influenced his act. Love of money does not make a desire to do evil ; it awakens the desire that exists. Money does not corrupt lawmakers and other Lecture on Money 149 officials — it brings the corrupt nature to the surface. The man who embezzles the funds of a bank, does so because there is so much evil in him that he cannot withstand temptation. The lawmaker who accepts a bribe for his vote, does so because there is a dishonest corner in his heart that can be reached only with money. The' officials who sell out the people by selling their votes are the worst daylight thieves that are permitted to live. They belong to Judas' gang and never get punishment too swift or too severe. Money is the John D. Rockefeller of politics. What he can do in the commercial world it can do in the political world. Money elects more men to office than conscience. There are few men that money will not buy if the pile is made big enough. The party that has the most money has the most "politicians;" and the party that has most politicians is the least fit to control a country. The more money the more politicians ; the more politicians the more corruption in office. Money and the Devil often join hands to run the af- fairs of state; and then it is that affairs are in a deplorable state. All the men who are political highwaymen are not in office. Candidates are often made more corrupt by those who hang to their coat tails and offer to sell their votes or their "influence." The number who are v/ill- ing to sell their inalienable right are so numer- 150 Lecture on Hogs ous that the only way the candidate can avoid them is to go ''straight uj)." No matter how high he goes, he never finds them. The man who would sell his vote, would sell his soul if it were possible to turn it into cash. The man who has not enough honor to vote as his con- science tells him, should not be allowed to vote. He is an enemy to his country. LECTURE ON HOGS The world and the woods are full of hogs. There are two and four legged hogs. The former grunts and squeals ; the latter ''squeals" and "grunts." Neither has room to boast over the other. One eats corn and the other drinks corn juice. One drinks slop and the other drinks what slop is made of at the distillery. The four-legged hog gets full, but it never gets drunk ; the two-legged hog gets full and drunk ; also, gets in the calaboose. That is the pen made and prepared for him. He remains there until his "spirits" go down, and his mind goes up — from his boots to the head. When the coast is sufficiently clear of snakes to allow him to see what a fool hog he has been, he rolls over in his sorrow and grunts in his misery. He then begins to think of home and Lecture on Hogs 151 wishes he could crawl through a crack in the door of the public pen ; but he can't. Later, he is turned out like a strange shoat from a strange lot, and sneaks home like a whipped cur. There are human hogs all along Life's path- way. Some wallow in the mud; some roll in luxury. Some feast at the table of poverty; some dine at the spread of plenty. Some wear rags, and some are robed in costly apparel. They are found in all classes; they are con- fined to no society or set. The instincts of a hog can be as evident in a hut as in a palace. A man does not have to be a hog because he is poor. Hoggishness is not a synonym of pov- erty. Neither is riches. A hog will be a hog whether rich or poor. As education aids the ability of the natural thief, so does riches add to the field of the natural hog. The larger the field the bigger the hog, when he is built that way. Hoggishness manifests itself in numerous ways in the human heart. Some deprive them- selves of every pleasure that they may have a few more dollars than their neighbor. They starve their families that their bank account may grow. They take more pride in keeping their overdrafts and balances far apart than they do in having three square meals a day. Money is their king, and they implicitly obey his every command. 152 Lecture on Hogs Some starve the bodies and minds of their children that they may buy more acres of land, more fine horses, or more something else not essential to happiness or contentment. They expect their children to work hard and live on bread and water because they have an ambi- tion to buy everything that is for sale. They do not educate their children because they want them to earn more money. Often poor children become better educated than the chil- dren of the rich because their parents do not realize the value of education. Others are hogs in not allowing their fami- lies to dress as becomes their station. They expect their wives to look pleasant in calico when they know that everybody else knows the reason they have nothing better is not be- cause they cannot afford it. God pity the woman who has a hog husband. She is never happy until she gets to Heaven. He cannot follow to disturb her. Other hogs are those who spend all their money drinking or gambling when they cannot afford to spend one dollar foolishly. Many wives and children remain away from Sunday school and church because their husbands and fathers squander their hard-earned dollars in evil ways. A man who gambles or gets drunk when his children cry for bread ought not to be allowed to live without a guardian. He is a curse to his family and the community, little Lecture on Hogs 153 better than the thief who would steal the money intended to feed and clothe the wife and children. Thousands of women go to early graves an- nually because they have husbands who think more of a dollar than they do of a wife. Thou- sands more worry themselves into premature graves because they have husbands whose de- sire for strong drink cannot be driven from them by the tears and pleadings of loving, patient and forgiving wives. Still more thou- sands follow them because they have hus- bands who prefer the gambling-room to the home. What hogs many mortals are! They not only disgrace themselves, but those about them. They bring sorrow to the home instead of happiness. They root up the flowers of con- tentment and smear mud on the front gate. Instead of being what God intended they should be, they are what the Devil wants them to be. God intended all hogs should be four- legged; but they are no more numerous than the two-legged ones. Even the razor-backs of Texas are duplicated in humanity. The lean, lank, long-nosed natives of the Southern forests have their counterparts in the hovel and the palace. Some are educated and some are unlearned. They are found in all countries and in all classes. They thrive under every sun and in every land. But they cannot live forever. When they grunt their last grunt and 154 Lecture on Grave Digging are buried beneath the sod, on the marble slab may be the following: Here lies one never dead before ; Died because he could grunt no more — His life is not good to follow. Unless you are built to wallow. LECTURE ON GRAVE DIGGING Recently the daily papers solemnly an- nounced that a man at St. Joseph, Mich., dug the grave of his wife. When it was found ''there was no sexton at the village cemetery the grief stricken husband was compelled to dig the grave of his wife himself." This is not the first time a husband has "dug the grave of his wife." Thousands of husbands have dug the graves of their wives and thousands more are digging them every day. They dig them as certainly, as surely as the man at St. Joseph dug the grave of his wife, the difference being he did not dig the grave until his companion was dead, while they are digging the graves while the corpses are living. Some husbands dig the graves of their wives by being cruel to them; some by neglecting to try to make them happy, while others com- pel them to work without rest. Hundreds of wives find no rest until they find it in death. Lecture on Grave Digging 155 Their husbands do not reaHze that a woman ever gets tired. They treat them Uttle better than if they were slaves. Like the Indians, they do the resting while the women do the work. Strong men can often be found holding down dry goods boxes and painting the side- walk with tobacco juice while their wives are bending over the washtub. Many men wear out the south end of their pants while they condemn the administration and curse those who, by their industry and economy, have ac- cumulated a few thousand dollars. The man who daily loafs on the streets while his wife takes in washing, helps to make Satan's busi- ness a success. Hundreds of pale-faced, des- pondent women could be made to look happy if the things they call husbands would quit loafing long enough to help make a living for their families. The man who is able to work and does not work, but makes his wife work that he may live, is no more fit to be a hus- band than the Devil is to be a saint. Some who are willing to work and do work, dig the graves of their wives by unthoughtedly heaping upon them more work than they can do without endangering their health. They ap- pear to think a woman never needs to rest, be- cause she never complains. The busy farmer will often engage men to assist him in the field, but never thinks his wife needs assistance in the house. In his anxious hurry to accumu- 156 Lecture on Grave Digging late enough to buy another farm or more stock he forgets about the overworked wife, who toils from early morning till late night. After a few years he adds another farm to his estate only to find that the good wife who toiled so unceasingly is gone. She is not there to share in the income of the new farm. She is at rest in the grave he has been several years digging for her. A few dollars expended each year for help in the house would have spared her to him many years. A few less cattle might have been bought or fewer acres added to the estate, but the good, faithful wife would still be in the home to cheer and comfort those about her. Acres of land are as nothing com- pared with the presence of a true and loving wife. It is better to pay help in the kitchen than to pay the funeral expenses. The price of a casket, if used rightly and in time, might keep crape off the front door many years. The man who endangers his wife's health that he may own more property would forego the certainty of Heaven if he could gain a few hundred dollars. Many men dig their wives' graves by being cruel and overbearing. They never miss an opportunity to try to show how important they are and how insignificant their wives are. They know the world would cease to revolve without them, and that their life companions w^ould not be missed. To convince the wives how im- Lecture on Grave Digging 157 portant they are, they sometimes treat them cruelly even to using physical force to make it more impressive. The mistreated wives are too timid or too cowed to resent the cruelty and bear their punishment in silence until life's thread is broken, and they find peace and rest in the grave that was dug while they lived. When the patient wife is gone the cruel husband begins to wonder why he has been a big-headed idiot. The man who is cruel to his wife is a coward. Many men are kinder to their cattle than to their wives. If all men who are not good to their wives were placed in a row the large number would make Satan v/eep with joy. The grave-digging husband is a curse to his home. Some men dig graves for their wives by keeping them unhappy. They not only doom them to a life of drudgery but make no effort to make their load lighter by trying to make them contented. They are seldom at home and, when they are, often go to bed with their boots on. They try to have all women, except their wives, smile on them. Too many men prefer to be on the streets, in the saloons, gambling rooms or at lodges than at home, and then wonder why their wives are surprised if they stay at home one night. One of the surest ways to keep a wife out of the grave is to keep her happy. All the men who keep their wives perfectly happy would not cover an 158 Lecture on Dudes acre in Heaven. There will be no grave-dig- ging husbands on that acre. LECTURE ON DUDES A dude is a cipher — a ring around nothing. He represents an attempt to make a man. He is a soft brick that was on the outside of the kiln, and didn't get baked enough to be of service. Like a soft brick he is of little worth except when placed under ground. He is said to be born, but the evidence is not all in and the judge and jury have gone to sleep waiting for the accused to look intelligent. If dudes grow on trees they are always pulled before they get ripe. If there is anything greener than a dude it is another dude. Dudes carry sticks ; so do hogs. Hogs carry them when it is going to rain or they want to prepare a bed ; dudes carry them because they know no better. Dudes do not know much about hogs or anything else. They don't know why they are here and don't know how to get away. No one knows why a dude is on earth except God, and He has made no ex- planation. If He did He would say that's what He made the world from and had a few chunks left over. It should not seem strange that this might be true. God made the world from noth- Lecture on Dudes 159 ing and a dude is a nothing, the evidence is not wanting. If this theory is true and the world is a good thing, the dude should be praised more and reviled less. Dudes have to be kept out of the sun lest they become warped and have to have a two- ounce weight put on them to straighten them out. If kept in shape the dudes might be useful in ways not yet known of, besides being used for "clothes-horses" and hat-hooks. Dudes are the peafowls of humanity. They are to society what the peafowl is to the barn- yard — something to look at and hear make curious noise. They live to be seen and heard. Dudes, like all other animals, were created for some purpose. Some things fill a place by amusing others, and the dude belongs to this class of things. Many people narrowly escape belonging to this class, but that may be no fault of theirs. They may have got near the danger line because their parents were only one removed from the dude class. The great search for the "missing link'* would have been ended long ago, and the dudes declared to be the link if the monkeys had not objected. Monkeys are not proud, but they want something between them and man. When Darwin put forth his theory that man was descended from the monkey, he perhaps had no intention of insinuating the dude was a part of humanity. He would have had too much re- 160 Lecture on Dudes spect for the monkey. Darwin was a great friend of the monkey. It was but natural that he should ; for it is characteristic of the human race to have much and due respect for their ancestors. Many believe Darwin knew what he was talking about when he proclaimed his great-grandfather was one of the boys who used to sleep with his tail wrapped about a limb. There is no evidence that Darwin ever visited the graves of his ancestors and shed copious tears while there, but he always felt that he owed them a debt of gratitude because they left off the fashion of wearing tails before he was given life. He never tried to explain why the descendants of the monkeys do not wear tails. Some people wear "tails," but they are not properly located to add to the Darwinian theory, which is silent as to the time the tail dropped off in the process of evolu- tion. But it must have been about the time the dude came into existence, and he was given a cane to carry in place of a tail. Monkeys dif- fer from dudes because they have brains, and, if left to look out for themselves, never fail to live off their own efforts instead of off their relatives. If the monkeys had known the dude was to be one of their descendants they would have worked a permanent injunction by com- mitting suicide before the evoluting began. While dudes are not the wisest or most hand- some specimens of humanity, they are more Lecture on Dudes 161 than amusing. They are interesting and en- tertaining to many — young ladies ; who are not always dudines. Often a dude can win the heart of a young lady when a real man couldn't get through the front gate of her affection. She prefers show to worth — nothing to something. Many, who pass as sensible young women, will put aside an honest, industrious young man, who has plenty of brains and some money, for a ''connecting link," and then expect her parents to keep her from going to the poor house. The future happiness of a woman de- pends on the amount of good sense she uses in selecting a life partner. If she selects a dude, when she might have chosen a man, she will get all the sympathy she deserves. Now and then dudes do things that are com- mendable, such as commit suicide or refuse to be divorced. They sometimes get tired of the world because they have so much competition, and end all by their own hands. The woman who takes them for better or worse is sure to have a boarder, one who will not change board- ing places "until the last armed foe expires." Dudes usually "shuffle of this mortal coil" in the regulation manner. Life sometimes has no pleasure for them, and they long to meet the other monkeys that had to give up their places on the trees. It was theirs to make the best of life they could. If they were zeros in the great family that gather around the wide 11 162 Lecture on Ice hearthstone, covered and sheltered by the broad, blue canopy of Heaven, it was no fault of theirs. Like the statesmen and jurists they came not at their own bidding else they might have refused to share the sunshine and shadows that fall around them. Perhaps a fitting epi- taph would be — Pray, step softly, lightly, old fellow: Beneath this sod lies one that is mellow; He was not a fool or a flunkey, But, like you, descended from a monkey. LECTURE ON ICE Ice is a good thing in its place, and it has many places. It grows on the water and in the heart. It is found in the home, in society and in the church. It is known by its "coolness." It is never hot. The family that is cold toward each other is like a row of icicles. The man who is cold toward his family can never be of the use in the world that God intended he should. His chilliness freezes the current of love in the hearts of his wife and children. If he "thaws out" it is when others are present. Soon as they are gone he is frozen as tight as water in a horse trough on a winter night. Sometimes it is the wife who is the iceberg. She may be "beautiful and accomplished," but Lecture on Ice 163 her heart is full of ice, and she freezes those about her until they must dress warmer. Her husband and children shiver when she comes near. One of her winter glances would make a ray of sunshine sneak off and hide behind the barn. Ice in the heart and chilliness in the soul make one-half the divorce work for lawyers. The husband, the wife, or both, may be to blame. If both are icy, no warmth of love lingers about the hearthstone. It is a game of "freeze out," and the one who loses applies for divorce. It was never intended one icicle should be tied to another, but they often are. Perhaps some men and women cannot help being icy and distant, but they seldom try to drive back the chilling tide. They allow it to flow on and on until all the warm places in the heart are frozen. The great need in thousands of homes is less ice and more sunshine. Often a ray of sunshine in the heart of the husband or wife may drive discord from the home and rob the lawyer of a fee. God pity the home that does not have one warm, cheery heart where icicles are never found, and hope receives a hearty welcome. Society has its ice and icebergs — people who are cold and clammy. They are cold by nature and education. They teach themselves to ap- pear icy toward those they think are below them in Hfe. They strut like peafowls; ac- knowledge few equals and no superiors. God 164 Lecture on Ice ought to strike such creatures dumb with a sack of wind that they might reaHze how much they lack of having a Httle good, horse sense. Ice-bound fools should never be interred in the same cemetery, lest they disarrange their last suits trying to turn their backs to each other. Nowhere is iciness more evident than in the churches. The love of God in many churches is not strong enough to prevent icicles. They hang from the window sills, the ceiling and the pew backs. When the Devil peeps into a church and sees icicles, he stakes down his tent and prepares for work. He knows he has found a field where he can do much good for his cause. But if he sees the fires of brotherly love are so strong that there is not even frost on the windows, he knows his efforts there would be fruitless, and he journeys on down the road. Sometimes the ice is so plentiful in a church that the pastor cannot preach a ser- mon warm enough to melt it. It is even impos- sible for the janitor to build fire enough to make the room comfortable in moderately cold weather. There is often a "hot time" in a church because it is full of ice. If a stranger attends services he is made to feel like "cold chills" were chasing each other along his spinal column. Some people seem to think religion consists in trying to humble others by chilly haughtiness and icy indifference. They take more pleasure in humbling one less fortunate Lecture on Ice 165 than they do in satisfying hunger. Some who sing "Praise God, from whom all blessings flow," loudest have enough ice in their hearts to freeze five gallons of ice cream. Others are chilly because the preacher or some other mem- ber has done something without their consent. A church that has not sufficient religious fervor to melt the frost off the windows ought to dis- band and start an ice factory. Religion that has icicles hanging from every corner is not the kind that will do to die by. The religion that causes one to have pleasant dreams Avhen he wraps the drapery of his couch about him for the last time, need not to be packed in ice to keep it from spoiling. Some church mem- bers are so full of ice that the minister is com- pelled to put lots of Hell in their funeral ser- mons to prevent the frost from thickening on the caskets while friends "take the last sad look" at the "dear departed." Chilliness in churches makes necessary hotter fires where Satan dwells. 166 Lecture on Love LECTURE ON LOVE Love is that indescribable something that lays hold of people and holds on until they have but little more sense than when they were "infants mewling and puking in their mother's arms ;" and many of them, when older grown, are so sickening in matters of love that they make all their friends feel like vomiting. There is nothing that will sooner or more effectually "upset the stomach" than the actions of some people when they are in love. To see them is to feel that a drink of peppermint tea is indis- pensable. No one escapes the softening in- fluence of love. It affects all people in all classes, but hits some harder than it does others. Kings, statesmen and warriors sur- render as readily as do the shepherd, the ditcher or the cowboy. Men who have been wise in all other things lose control of the balance wheel in their heads when they fall in love. Cupid can make a fool of a king as easily as of a peasant. The man who says love never disturbed his wisdom never loved or he is a liar. There are many kinds of love, among them first love, love at first sight, true love, "sick- kitten" love, and coquettish love. First love is good for reference. No one can forget it. Lecture on Love 167 It is like a nightmare without a bridle. When its presence is not desired it rises up to paw the air and kick the covers off. Few marry their first love until their second love "is at rest over there." Then they go back to the childhood home and gather in "the one that has been true to them through all these years." It is two hearts with but a single thought, two fools that try to beat each one. Love at first sight is like trading horses "sight unseen" — good enough if it hits. Per- haps, if there is such a thing as love at first sight, it is better than no love at all. Usually the people who claim to fall in love at first sight are those who have lost hope. They have missed so many chances that they are always angling and are pretty sure to land the first sucker that switches his tail against the bait. Some people are always bragging about falling in love at first sight, thinking every- body are fools enough to believe them. Sick kitten love is the kind that people can't have but once and live. Like smallpox and measles, it does not strike in the same place twice. When a man has sick kitten love he deserves the sympathy of his friends. He feels like he wants to die but can't. If the party of the other part is similarly affected the case is serious, and something should be done. A course at a feeble-minded institute might re- new hope for recovery. 168 Lecture on Love Coquettish love is like the gum left sticking on the door casing — it can't be used again. A coquette is a human humming bird that flits from flower to flower and is gone. A coquette flits away the days of her glory and then mar- ries a widower with seven small children, three dogs and a bad breath. She deserves nothing better; a divorce should never be hers. The woman who trifles in love is meaner than the cat that worries a mouse till it is tired and then kills it. Making love to a coquette is like talking to a clothes dummy — a loss of wind and time. True love is love that is divine — love that begins right and never goes wrong. It is love that lets pure sunshine into the soul and bids it welcome. It is "that cordial drop of bliss; the sovereign balm for every woe." Mis- fortune may come and go but it remains to cheer and comfort. If true love were not so scarce there would be more happy homes. True love is the foundation on which all human hap- piness structures are reared. Without it con- tentment is a stranger to the home and sorrow is a frequent visitor. "It makes every flower smile its blessings upon lovers," and spreads its soft wings over those who give it honor. True love makes the home a heaven, and keeps the Devil chained in the woodshed. The poet has said ''love is blind," and few believe he did not tell the truth. If love were Lecture on Love 169 not blind, some people would be ''left bloom- ing alone" until all hope was lost. Unless there is blind love, some love must remain unex- plained, as a young girl's love for a man old enough to be her grandfather or a young woman's love for a man that is hog enough to fill himself so full of corn juice that it runs out of his ears as he wallows in the gutter. The woman who is afflicted with such blindness will get her eyes wide open when she takes in washing to support what ought to be a man. It is such love that "passeth understanding." Admiration is often mistaken for love. The one who does not know the difference between admiration and love ought to stay in of cold nights. A pair of blue eyes, golden tresses, a lovely or manly form, a "sweet mustache," rosy cheeks or winsome ways may be admired, but never loved. The sucker who gets caught on such a hook will wiggle himself sick trying to get loose. The more he wiggles the tighter he is held, and the tighter he is held the more he realizes he has been a silly fool. 170 Lecture on Courtship LECTURE ON COURTSHIP Courtship is Cupid's electric automobile — the noiseless carriage in which he moves about *'in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform." Cupid is never at rest. His only hope of hold- ing his position is in keeping at work. He is everywhere at once, and rests not even on the Sabbath day ; in fact, that is his busy day. He does not rest when night comes. He is usually up late at night and sleeps late in the morning. His work is a labor of love. He does not shrink from his duty; in fact he courts it. His work is to draw toward each other people who have fallen in, dropped in or in any other way have got in love. The general name for his work is courtship, which is something that everybody knows all about. People may acknowledge their ignorance on everything else, but never on how to conduct a courtship. The dude, the old bachelor, the gum-chewing school girl, the old maid, and all the mortals between these ex- tremes know just how to court. Conducting a courtship is one of the easiest things on earth or off it. It is so easy that school boys and school girls become experts. Yet, while it is so easy, many young men would rather saw wood with a dull saw than woo g fair or an unfair maiden. Bashfulness worries Lecture on Courtship 171 Cupid more than gall. He can "kill off" one with more cheek than good sense, but a timid young man is like a balky horse — pulls back at the wrong time and in the wrong place. He does not pull back because he is mean, but because he feels mean. A bashful man is not a success in courting, and he can't help it. He never passes for what he is worth among women. An honest, brainy young man is often cast aside for a dude because he is bashful. It is not creditable to the good sense of women that cheek is a better element of success in court- ship than industry or brains. It often beats money. A man with plenty of cheek and plenty of gab will often have half a dozen hang- ing about him when an honest, worthy man will not even be the object of a smile. Bashful men often plod along the thorny path of life until they tumble into a hole in the ground and are forgotten. If a man wants to be a success in courtship, he usually has little use for good sense, unless he wants to use it on some old maid ; and then she may be so anxious to marry that he will forget he ever had any sense. But in spite of the natural tendency of women to want to be courted by dummies carrying canes and wearing one-eyed spectacles, good sense is still marketable, and a man of brains and in- dustry can sometimes get rid of himself to good advantage. Courtship is carried on in many ways. As 172 Lecture on Courtship everyone knows just how to court, it is only natural that each one has his or her own pecu- liar way. Some prefer to reach matrimony by the buggy riding route; some by the ham- mock line; some by the front gate road; some by the parlor line, and some by any old route that is handiest and makes best time. All of these roads lead to one of the two stations, "Happytown" or "Regret- ville," and it is little use to try to tell friends which one they should travel. A courtship rightly conducted leads to Happytown where the people are all contented and happy, and the homes veritable heavens on earth. If the courtship is deceitfully conducted, as hundreds are, it leads to Regretville where all wear sad looks, heavy hearts and wish they could be blown away by a cyclone. These dark homes are such places as the Devil likes to put up at and stay. Deceit in courtship means tophet in the home after marriage. The man who slob- bers protestations of undying love, and swears by "yonder pale-faced moon" that he never has and never could love another, will be cold and clammy before the honeymoon has begun to wane. Many men who ordinarily are truth- ful, are supreme liars in courtship. And wo- men are just as much so. Some of them will threaten suicide if "he" — not much difference which he — should leave them for another, and then have different dude company for all the Lecture on Courtship 173 rest of the days in the week. In courtship is where those He who never Hed before and those who lied before lie the more. The man who goes through a courtship without lying will get a Morris chair in Heaven. Courting is often done by proxy. Sometimes it is done by the woman, sometimes by the parents and sometimes by a disinterested (?) friend. Some girls know so little about where they belong that they do the courting, pop the question, and call in the preacher. If a young man knows enough to go in when it rains he will shy around the girl that wants to do all the courting. Sometimes an old maid who has missed seventeen chances, has a young and green lover that she courts so in- dustriously that it reminds their friends of a cat— an old cat— playing with a mouse. Poor mouse. Friends of the young man who allows himself to be courted by a woman who has three times lost hope, most of her teeth and her first eyesight ought to compel him to take ad- vantage of the law that prevents cruelty to animals. As long as there are ancient relics in both sexes they should seek each other. Par- ents often make their daughters miserable for life by doing their courting. Sometimes the daughters have sense enough to break away from parental dictation and are happy for life. The girl who wants to be courted as God in- tended, should rely on Cupid. Friends often 174 Lecture on Courtship try to supersede Cupid in his duties, but never make a fair showing toward success, in the true sense. Some old women pride themselves on the number of matches they have made, but say nothing of the fees they have put into lawyers' pockets. There is but one way to court and that is by, with and through the con- sent and under the direction of Cupid. Court- ing and chewing gum cannot be done success- fully by proxy. Some women are so busy loving little wooly-snooted poodles that they have no place in their hearts for the image of a man. If perchance a man finds a corner in the heart of a poodle woman, he soon learns he has a canine associate and is in danger of being a sufferer from hydrophobia if he does not move on ; and if he knows as much as when he was born, he moves. There is not room for a poodle dog and a man in the same heart. It should be all dog or all man. One of the swiftest kinds of courtship is when a widower courts a widow. It is a good deal like lightning — comes quick — soon gone — struck somewhere. The most rapid court- ship is when a divorced man courts a divorced woman. They finish up a courtship while the average young man is getting his sweetheart used to his coat sleeve. When Cupid sees a di- vorced man begin courting a divorced woman, he climbs on the fence and yells "Sick." Lecture on Marriage 175 LECTURE ON MARRIAGE Marriage is a union of hearts — a tying up of two souls wherein there is but one beat and one thought. Sometimes the only beat is a dead-beat with only one shirt and no change of socks. Some women like romance so well that they marry the most worthless man that comes their way, just to see how near they can starve to death and live. If Satan were to select hus- bands for some women they would have the same old, worthless lumps of sun-baked mud that they now have. Many women spend a week selecting a new hat and then marry the first old pile of spoiled dirt that wants a place to board. It is easy to tell why women marry, but it is impossible to see why some of them marry a big zero just because he wears trous- ers. Of course some women deserve nothing in marriage and get it, while some women de- serve something and get nothing. This may be because they are tired of waiting, and it may be because they think nothing is better than no- body. All women intend to marry before they pass the thirty mark. If they do not, it is the result of necessity — they don't want whom they can get and don't get whom they want. They wisely believe it is better to go through life alone than to marry a man through sympathy. 176 Lecture on Marriage The woman who marries to get rid of herself, always wishes she had another chance to prove that she is not a fool. Men exhibit no more good sense than women in marrying. Fully half of them make mis- takes, and have to "grin and bear it," unless the courts free them. Many men are less par- ticular in selecting a wife than in selecting a horse. It is impossible to deceive them on a horse, but they get fooled so bad in selecting a life partner that they wish they could die once every day for a year. They would not buy a horse until they know its pedigree from first to last, and will marry without knowing enough about the woman to fill the back of a postage stamp. The man who spends more time hunt- ing up the pedigree of a horse he wants to buy than he does learning the character of the wo- man he marries, has a big soft spot above his ears. People marry for different things : Some marry for love, some for money, some for honor, some for business, some for a home, some for convenience, some for spite, some for want of something else to do, and some because they are afraid they will never get a second chance. Those who marry for love are fewer than the world be- lieves. Those who marry for money, a home or honor are more numerous than they ought to be. God never intended that Satan should Lecture on Marriage Yll have an Interest in matrimonial affairs, but he does. When money or honor is concerned, Satan knows the chances for trouble are flat- tering. The woman who marries for money usually finds out she has a man but no husband. If she marries for honor, she learns the same bitter lesson. It is those who marry for good, old-fashioned love that are happy. Money and honor cannot bring real happiness. Satan would walk a mile to congratulate one who marries for money. Some marry as they would buy a horse — take him because he is cheap. Marrying for convenience is like the drunk man waiting for the bed to come along so he can get in. Marry- ing to get a home is rest for the body and trouble to the soul. A home without love makes the heart sick. Better live in a hut with the one you love than in a mansion with one you do not love. Hearts bound together with money soon long to be free. Marriage should not be a business transaction. The man who buys a heart with money will soon find that he has nothing better than liver. Mar- riage without love is like ice cream without flavor. People marry at all ages. They never get too old to take somebody for better or worse — often for much worse. Sometimes an old man with more money than brains, decides he wants a 16-year-old to rub St. Jacob's oil on his 12 178 Lecture on Marriage back and keep the steam off his spectacles, and he always finds her. There is always a young fool for every old fool. If she is not in sight he has only to ''beat the bush" when she hops out as nimbly as a scared rabbit, and is much easier caught. When Cupid begins to tickle an old man under the chin, his aches and pains have to take a rest, and he becomes as nimble as a colt in June. When an old fool gets the kinks out of his back, it is not long until some preacher gets a call. When January marries May, it is time to halter Cupid. When a girl wants to marry a man of 80, she ought to be sent to an asylum until she fully recovers. Too many are married before they know the alpha- bet of life. Wives in short dresses make Na- ture tired. God never intended that trundle beds should be robbed to get husbands and wives. But so long as parents encourage ''kid courting" there will be kids on the matrimonial market, and as long as they are on the market there will be fools to take them. When a 17- year-old boy marries a 16-year-old girl, it is pretty good evidence that a guardian should be named for their parents, and Cupid arrested for cruelty to animals. Marriages are said to be made in Heaven, but it is often impossible to believe this with- out believing the Devil has changed his place of residence. Some marriages are so difficult to account for that it is hard to think that even Lecture on Marriage 179 Satan had anything to do with them. It is no wonder some marriages are failures when the principals to them are. They are no more fitted for engaging in a matrimonial partner- ship than devils are to sing psalms, yet they think others should take lessons from them. Some men who would not make creditable tails to well-conducted households are heads of fam- ilies. Because a man is at the head of a fam- ily is not positive proof that he is qualified for the place. Hogs are not the only things that sometimes have the head on the wrong end. So many people "take chances" in getting married that marriage is called a lottery. Per- haps no other lottery has so many blanks, and thousands of them are drawn every year. Sometimes a blank draws a blank — nothing gets nothing. Sometimes something draws nothing or nothing draws something. In either case it is like tying a can to a dog's tail — lots of noise and fun for the spectators. The man who enters the matrimonial market and comes out "canned," needs a dog to help him yelp. There are some husbands that a respectable dog would not yelp for, even if he were paid five dollars a day and board. They are so su- premely mean and worthless that a dog with a reputation worth having could not afford to take chances on losing it by associating with them. The meanest people often draw the best prizes in the matrimonial lottery. Sometimes 180 Lecture on Marriage a man who is so mean that the cats refuse to quarrel on his back fence, will marry a woman who is fit to be an angel, and in less than three years is one — dies of a broken heart. Often a woman who is so mean that her chickens can't stay at home in peace, will marry the best man in town, and he has to turn devil in self-de- fense. If there were a law compelling the meanest men to marry the meanest women, it would be a great saving for Satan — he would not have to have telephone connection with so many homes. Without trouble in the home the Devil could not pay the running expense of his business and would have to draw some of his fires. Marriage is often a necessity, though it is usually regarded as a luxury. It is subject to the law of free trade. An American heiress can marry an English flunky and there is no tariff imposed if he is shipped to this country. The young men of the United States have no pro- tection against the pauper nobility of Europe. Rich American girls often get titles, but not husbands. The high-class dudes are shipped in free of tarifif, put on the matrimonial market as curios and they often bring a million dollars, and they are worth it — if they are to be used in museums. Buying a foreign dude is called marriage in New York. Some women would rather marry a title than a man. They have plenty of money and long for "nothing." Lecture on Divorce 181 LECTURE ON DIVORCE Divorce is the legal separation of those who lied to God by promising to cleave to each other until death did them separate. They were married because they thought they want- ed to be, and want divorce because they were married. Those most anxious to marry are usually the most anxious to be divorced. They married in haste and want no delay in getting released. They forget (if they ever knew) about the divine injunction, "Let not man put asunder what God hath joined together." If God joins all together that get joined, he must have been absent-minded at times. Nothing is more certain than that some couples, who marry, will separate and be divorced in a short time. They are no more intended to live as one than a skunk and a rabbit. So many marriages are like tying a hog to a lamb that it is no won- der some lawyers have wool in their teeth — they get the fleece. If anyone sometimes feels that marriage is a failure, it is the lawyer who hears the stories of husbands and wives who want to be free. If people were compelled to "grin and bear it" till they had to borrow grin to keep them from going crazy, there would be less haste and more sense used in choosing partners for a Hfe waltz. Many people do not 182 Lecture on Divorce even use colt sense in getting married. This is why the load of trouble soon gets too heavy for the pair to draw ; and one or both kick over the traces and want the law and lawyers to unhitch them. Many couples seek divorce because they are not lovers after they get each other. In less than a month after the wedding feast is eaten, the flame of love begins to flicker and soon flickers out. The young man feels that there was more pleasure in pursuit than in possession and the young woman (or school girl, perhaps) wishes she could always be pursued. There is no more pressing to the manly bosom; there are no more "lingering kisses;" there are no more such lies as "you are the only one I ever loved;" "I cannot be happy without you," and "I am happy only when you are at my side." The realities of married life have worked a change. The fires built in the heart by Cupid have gone out, and there are icicles on the heart strings. It is winter where once it was summer, and the snowflakes of discontent are falling fast. What promised to be a heaven becomes a hell. The man who used to call seven nights in the week and put in full time on Sundays, spends the evenings "up town" or down in the gutter. The man who prefers the company of loafers rather than that of his wife, has turned his home over to the Devil. No wife can be happy when her husband is not her Lecture on Divorce 183 lover. The man who is with his sweetheart oftenest before marriage usually finds excuse to be up town most of the nights after mar- riage. Some marriages are failures and end in di- vorce because they are for convenience. The homes are only stopping places. The husbands are at home when there are no other women ready to entertain them; and the wives are at home when they are not somewhere else. The man who takes more pleasure in being out at night with women of questionable char- acter than being out with his wife in daytime, is not good enough for Hell. He is a rotten, stinking sore on society and ought to be dumped out with the other refuse matter. The man who promises before God to cleave unto a woman until death, and then seeks the com- pany of women without virtue, is a brute of the worst brand. No woman should allow her chances for Heaven endangered by living an hour with such zeros in the column of human- ity. Divorce frees hundreds of patient. Chris- tian women from such beasts too late to pre- vent them from going heartbroken to the grave. Many women remain the wives of brutes with- out hoofs for the "sake of their children" when they should leave them forever for the sake of themselves, their children and in honor to their God. There can be no good come of remaining a victim in a home of which the "head" is a 184 Lecture on Divorce part of the tail of the Devil's kite, and the sooner the farce ends the better. Often the wife is to blame because the home is not what God intended it to be. She is not an angel in the domestic heaven, but is every- thing except what she ought to be — a true, noble wife. She does not try to keep alive the love of her courtship days. She neglects home until it loses attraction for her. She is absent at unseemly hours ; disgrace comes to the home, and it is soon wrecked. Sometimes it is divorce; sometimes it is murder. Some wives give so much attention to other men that they have no time to even visit with their hus- bands. They would rather receive a smile from a friend than a kiss from their husbands. The wife who is not true to a true husband is in league with Satan and will be given one of the best rooms in his kingdom. The husband who is untrue to a true wife will fare equally as well. The best workers for Satan will get the best accommodations from him. Some divorces are the result of too much growling or bossism on the part of one or both. Continued growling will drive a man to seek divorce or death. A growling woman can m.ake a man wish he had never been born. Men with growling wives are seldom happy. Some men think the so-called head of the fam- ily ought to be boss at all times and under all circumstances. Soon as the minister finishes Lecture on Divorce 185 his wedding prayer they begin to swell up with importance, and do not stop swelling in time to prevent the necessity of clothes with more room on the inside. Some men feel more important when bossing their wives than others do in leading an army. The man who takes pride in bossing his wife is a coward be- fore men of his equal. As long as people marry for so many other things than love, there will be divorces. And well it is if divorce is the worst. Death is the divorce that separates thousands. To lessen the number of wrecked homes, parents can do much. They can teach their sons and daugh- ters the danger of marriage that is not for love and love alone. They can teach them that wed- ilock is not a business transaction. They can teach them that love is more precious than gold. They can teach them that a school girl or school boy is no more capable of selecting a life partner than they are of telling from which direction the wind will blow on their next birthday. They can teach them that the home is for the wife as well as the husband and for the husband as well as the wife. They can teach them that married life is different from single life. They can teach them that along with love there should be patience, forgiveness, faithfulness, sweetness of temper and a desire to make each other happy. They can teach them that people are supposed to put in use 186 Lecture on Smartness good sense after marriage, even if they did not before marriage; and that if they do not there is much trouble ahead. LECTURE ON SMARTNESS It is no trouble to find ''smart" people. They are everywhere because they know they are needed everywhere. They are in the hut and in the mansion ; in the stores and in the offices ; in office and out of office ; in church and out of church ; in colleges and out of colleges ; in tem- perance and out of temperance. There is no occupation that does not have them. They always know they are absolutely indispensable to the business to which they attach. The man who is smart always knows it, and wants others to know it, not that he thinks it will benefit him but because he knows it will bene- fit others. It is easy to tell a smart man, be- cause he always has his sign out in big, plain letters. He differs from a behind-the-proces- sion merchant because he advertises. He does not hide his light under a bushel. He knows a light unseen is no better than darkness. People show their smartness in different ways and in different places. Some are smart at home; some at others' homes; some in Lecture on Smartness 187 church; some in their own estimation; some in print and some in everything. The man who is smart at home always thinks he knows more than all the rest of the family, therefore never has to ask them anything. Some men are so puffed up over what they think they know that they treat their wives as ordinary passengers. They never ask their advice be- cause they think they are incapable of giving any worth considering. They think they know so much there is nothing left for their wives to know. Some men think a woman's usefulness ends with cooking, washing and scrubbing. Their "great" minds will not allow them to think she knows more than enough to go in when it rains. Men who think they are many times smarter than their wives are as numer- ous as mushrooms after a shower and about as soft, so far as good horse sense goes. The man who thinks he is too smart to consult his wife on matters of business, ought to have extra pro- tection for the soft spot in his head. It is not safe to let him go unprotected. Some women think they are smarter than their husbands in everything, and many of them are in most things. Some of them are so smart they can be out often with another man and their husbands be none the wiser. Not a few women that have husbands for the same reason that some have their names on the 188 Lecture on Smartness church roll — as a cloak. When women get so smart other men are dearer to them than their husbands, the Devil smiles and puts on another stick of wood. Some women know more about politics than their husbands, and then don't know enough to properly mark an Australian ballot. When a women thinks she knows all about politics she is of little good as a wife, the kind that makes the sunlight of happiness shine through the home and the world seem brighter. Some women get so smart they think the world would cease to revolve if they were not on the street every day in the week instead of staying at home and getting acquainted with their families. The world is half full of smart children, those v/ho know more than their parents or anybody else. When a boy learns to chew to- bacco and swear, he thinks there are none other so wise, and he has to be knocked down before he begins to change his mind. A boy with more smartness than he knows what to do with is a burden to his parents. He is always ready to talk and is never ready to listen, and often gets in trouble. One smart boy has often made a financial wreck of his father. He was too wise to take advice and the sheriff took him. Then the lawyers took what money his father had to keep him out of the penitentiary. A boy who learns only by experience is a fail- ure. Some boys are so smart that it is difficult Lecture on Smartness 189 for them to get their parents to do as they want them to. Boys who think they know more than their parents are easy to find and hard to get along with. They know so much that other people are in the way. Smart girls are as numerous as smart boys. They get so smart their mothers have to live in the wood shed when they are at home. Their principal talk is about parties and "fellers," and they chew gum because they can't think. They let their mothers "wash and iron" while they read yellow-backed novels and flirt with any man who will return the flirt. They call their mothers "old woman" and scold because she is not as smart as they think they are. A girl that calls her mother "old woman" is short on brains. The girl who will not respect her mother, often lives long enough to realize that she has been a fool. If so many girls did not get smarter than their mothers before they quit wearing short dresses, there would be fewer marriages with officers as witnesses. When a girl gets so smart that she thinks her mother knows nothing, it is time to lock her in a room and lose the key. Not a few girls have sent their mothers heart broken to the grave be- cause they knew so much. 190 Lecture on Fun LECTURE ON FUN Fun is better than medicine, and don't cost as much. Fun has saved the Hves of more peo- ple than quinine. When the mind is clogged with business or other cares or the heart is bowed down, a few doses of good, wholesome fun judiciously given will do more to drive away the mists and let the rays of hope shine into the soul than even the wisest know of. Fun lifts the drooping spirit, quiets the aching heart, and drives the clouds of despondency before it like dust before the wind. Like a smiling maiden it trips into the sick chamber and the somber look, the sad countenance and the graveyard silence are gone, perhaps never to return. Cheerfulness is worth more than professional nurses in a sick room. Hundreds die sooner than they would if their room was not made a cemetery before there was a corpse. No one who is sick can improve when every- one about speak in whispers and look like they had just returned from the funeral of a near relative. A little fun is relished by eveiyone and no more by anyone than the one who is sick, and has been surrounded by people wear- ing faces that could be leased at fancy prices for funeral purposes. Those who cannot leave off the graveyard look ought to remain away Lecture on Fun 191 from the sick. Only those who can look cheer- ful or make fun ought to hang around a sick man. Think of some one with a funeral look and a squeaky voice saying: "Why, you look so bad this morning; I'm afraid you will be sick a long time even if you ever get well." Or some other fool with tears creeping down both sides of his proboscis saying : "You breathe so much heavier than you did. Don't you think we'd better telegraph your brother?" Such idiots ought to be kicked out doors, over the fence and into a mudhole that the hogs have just left. Compare the feelings of the sick after they have heard such discouraging words with their feelings after some one had smiled and said : "You look better today. Don't you feel like taking a stroll across the meadow?" It is bad enough to be sick without having "death notices" posted on the walls of the room. Those who can't look cheerful in a sick room or object to a little fun there, ought to take up their abode in a cemetery. Fun like religion, is a good thing if you have it right. Everyone enjoys it and everyone tries to be funny at some time or times, but some try to be funny at the wrong time, or all the time, which is wrong. There is a time for fun and a time not for fun. The one who tries to be funny at all times is like the hen that cackles all the time but never lays. Nothing is more tiresome than the one who thinks he was born 192 Lecture on Fun funny, and never finds out how much he is mistaken. Fun bubbles up from the soul like the clear water that f^ows from the spring. People have different ways of having fun and of being funny. Some men will get drunk, spend all their money and roll in the mud until it would be difficult to tell them from a real hog, and think they had a cargo of fun. Others will make love to the hired girl ''just for fun." Some will play jokes that cause ill feeling and think it is fun, and some will annoy dumb animals and call it fun. Some girls think it fun to have several "strings to their bow," and a string to each beau, and they marry one beau just for fun and find out that it is the most serious fun they ever met. Some boys think it fun to leave home and try to make their way in the world without the assistance of their parents, but soon find out there is more real fun on the old farm than can be found anywhere else. Father may get cross sometimes and mother may scold a little, but the storm soon passes over, the sun shines and the whole place seems boiling over with fun. The horses run and kick ; the cattle hold their tails at full mast and trot about the lot ; the swine feel so funny they say "boo boo," and in other ways show they are not sad. The roosters crow with de- light — and de lungs — and the hens cackle with joy, the birds sing, the guineas squawk, when they see a hawk; the turkey gobbles and Lecture on Fun 193 spreads his tail, when he hears the "Bob White" of the quail; the cats mew, the dogs bark when John comes Katie to spark. Boys who want to have good, honest fun and plenty of it will stay with father and mother on the farm. There is the place for real enjoyment. One evening at the old hearth- stone is worth a year ''out in the cold world." It is the only place that is home. Be it ever so humble there is no place to equal it. Boys should not be in a hurry to leave it. They should stay while they can. After a while father and mother will go to Heaven, and it will not seem like home then. There will be no one to take their places. The old home will not be what it used to be. It will not be a place for fun. Every sound will have a solemn tone. The babble of the brook will seem sad, the murmur of the wind will have lost the joy of its sound, the song of the birds will no longer seem joyous, and all nature will sit as if in melancholy silence. Fortunate the boys and girls who have a home on the farm where they can grow to manhood and womanhood; where nature rocks them in the cradle of health; where the pure air of early morn lovingly fans their brow, the sun*s first rays in- spire with hope and the bloom of health is painted on the cheek. 13 194 Lecture on Devils LECTURE ON DEVILS Devils would rather do wrong for fun than do right for pay. They glory in keeping close to Satan, the king of devils, by never missing an opportunity to serve him. They obey his every wish and are proud of their slavery. If he says tattle, they tattle; if he says slander, they slander; if he says love thy neighbor's wife they love her ; if he says cuckold thy hus- band, cuckold it is; if he says stir up trouble by lying, trouble is stirred up; if he says rob and steal, they rob and steal; if he says get into the church and disturb its peace and quiet, in they go; if he says break up the home, it is broken up ; if he says drag a woman to ruin, she is dragged ; if he says murder, there is murder ; if he says do all other things mean and devilish, they are done without waste of time. Hell and the world are full of devils and they are getting more numerous every day. A fool is born every minute and the bigger the fool the easier it is for him to become a devil. A full fledged devil is an enemy to good society ; and too often it seems that the bigger the devil, the longer are his days on earth. Good men will die when devils get well. What would kill a saint often makes a devil feel bad It is a mistake for good people to be called up higher Lecture on Devils 195 and leave Satan's forces in control. If a man is taken to another job about the time he under- stands how to be useful on earth it discourages those who would be good because of the good they can do. If God's best workers were always left on earth to battle with Satan's forces there would be fewer devils. Satan laughs when a good man dies. There are two kinds of devils — he and she. The number is about equally divided. In a contest for honors the result is always in doubt. She devils are seldom willing to ac- knowledge defeat, and if they fail to win they are always ready to contest again. If a woman starts out to be a devil she never allows a he devil to pass her. If a man and woman start Satanward at the same time she will be there and gone to bed before he ar- rives. Without women Hell would be a lone- some place; and without men there would be few women there — women always go where men are. Women are always too willing to go to Hell for a man. They will often accept a man that is a devil and reject one who is good and true. If women would refuse to recognize he devils, there would be fewer of them to be recognized. In this kind of idiocy women do not surpass men. The woman who is the biggest devil will often attract more good men than an angel. If men and women would not be so ready to marry devils there would be 196 Lecture on Devils fewer hells on earth. Though marriage is of God the Devil gets a good share of the profits from it. If a woman is untrue to her marriage vows, she usually crowds enough devil into her life to arouse the envy of all the devils in Satan's kingdom. Such a woman can be guilt}^ of more hellishness than the king of devils would guess her to be capable of. Her deceit is original and without limit. A moment from the treach- erous embrace of her paramour devil she will greet her husband with a kiss and tell him how lonesome she has been during his absence. Few things are more damnable in the eyes of honest men than the unfaithfulness of a woman to a true husband. She blackens her soul and her re- ward is the ruin of her home ; for that is the one final result of playing harlot with the marriage vow as a shield. There is no devil that Satan prefers more than the wife who cuckolds a true husband. Women may deceive their hus- bands but never can they deceive God or the Devil. God knows they are not fit for his king- dom and the Devil knows they are fit for his kingdom. No man need go to Heaven expect- ing to see the woman who was his legalized strumpet. All husbands are not angels. Many of them are devils of the worst kind. They divide their affections between their wives and she devils, the wives receiving the lesser part. Wives are Lecture on Devils 197 often driven to be devils by the devils they are legally tied to; and women often drive their husbands to the same end. It is easier for a devil to make a devil of an angel than for an angel to make an angel of a devil. If all men were as good to their wives as some men are to other men's wives the Devil would not smile so often. The man who deceives a loving wife will get a choice position in the land where there are no icicles. Evil is bold and good is timid. One devil can stir up more trouble in a day than a dozen good people can overcome in a week. Devils succeed because they go where they have a field for work. They go among good people to cor- rupt them, while good people go among their own kind, fearing the evil influences of the bad. Devils go to church, but saints are not seen in the places of evil. Most evil is accomplished where there is most good, and most good is ac- complished where there is most evil. There was no need of work for the Masters' cause in the Garden of Eden until Satan had passed that way. This was the Devil's first work and the devils have been at work ever since. They work continually. For thousands of years the battle against good has been on, and it will be on until God knocks all the devils off the earth. 198 Lecture on Style LECTURE ON STYLE What is called "style" in dress ruins more people than whisky. It ruins them financially and morally. To keep up with the style the purse is robbed and the home mortgaged; vir- tue is sold; character blackened and souls damned. That miserable nothing, called style, is one of the worst curses that comes to home and country. It is a withering craze that finds beginning in the minds of those who are fools enough to change the cut of a coat, the make of a dress or the size and build of a hat every time some "authority" in Paris or somewhere else says so. Those who can afford to keep pace with the changes, do so without financial embarrassment or moral degredation; but the less wealthy who try to "shine" with their more fortunate neighbors, soon reach the bottom of the purse, and then, rather than retire from the race for show, turn to dishonesty or worse. The victims of style are numbered by the thousands. Daily it sends men to jail, and women to the devil, leaving wrecked homes, disgraced families and endless sorrow in its wake. That they and their wives may dress in the height of fashion men embezzle, rob and murder. That they may be arrayed gorgeously women barter their virtue and yet claim a right to respectability. Lecture on Style 199 The crazy desire to follow the dictates of "fashion" as it is handed out by the "profes- sional" makers of it, is due to the fact that there is a streak of apishness running through hu- manity that crops out at different points like rocks from the soil. This cropping out is usually in those whom the thinking people label "dudes" and "dudines." In matters of dress they are walking dummies and in talking they are dummies walking. Some people keep pace with what is called style in dressing if they have to go hungry. They would rather wear fine clothes than eat three meals a day. They make an outward show whether their "in- wards" have a show or not. Many men parade in full dress on empty stomachs. The man who wears a fine coat and feasts on "wind pudding" is only three links removed from the monkey. He may have grown past winding his tail around a limb, but his reasoning has not been sufficiently developed for him to fully abandon his arboreal habits. This is why a dude always carries a stick. No style in men's dress was ever so absurd or idiotic but there were always plenty of fools to follow it. No matter what part is turned up or cut away it must be worn because it is the style. The old saying of "better be dead than out of style" is the watchword of many. Hun- dreds of men dress in latest style with what they owe. A Prince Albert coat often covers 200 Lecture on Style a dishonest heart. The man who dresses in style at the expense of those who have trusted him, will receive a medal for "pure cussedness." He is a menace to honesty. One such man will injure the credit of a dozen men who would rather be out of debt than in style. Box-toed shoes, sideboard collars, pipe-stem trousers, pigeon-tailed coats, and trousers too long and turned up come and go, but common sense manners in dress remain from year to year. Style in women's dress has as many crazy spots as men's. Some dresses are too long at one end and some dresses are too short at the other end. If the long end of some dresses could be added to the short end it would not give some women the appearance of having grown out of them. Many dresses are made to be seen, but the part that is "out of sight" is usually seen the most. If women insist on put- ting themselves on exhibition, the men cannot be blamed for taking in the free shows. Women who wear dresses that make people think of Mother Eve, know but few men are blind. It is encouraging to know style is cutting dresses higher under the chin. Even men wel- come the passing of the "undress" style of dresses. Men are not fools if they are curious. They do not want their mothers, their wives and their daughters traveling back toward the Garden of Eden. While it is encouraging to know some Lecture on Style 201 dresses are having more top put on them, it is discouraging to see sleeves chopped off until the arms are bare to the vaccinates. Why any sensible v^oman wants a dress w^ithout top or sleeves, is too much of a problem for an ordi- nary mortal to solve. It does not add to the grace or beauty of a v^oman to have the appear- ance of having just come from a butchering contest. For a v^oman to appear in public with a dress without sleeves or apex ought to be sufficient grounds for divorce. Often what a woman's dress lacks in height is made up in the height of the hat she wears. In no way does style make itself more mani- fest than in women's hats. It manifests itself in church, in the theatre and everywhere else. It is always in sight. Style in hats does more to drive people from church than poor sermons. Hundreds more would attend church if they could see the preacher. It is useless to expect to convert sinners when they are made to feel like swearing all the time the truths of the Bible are being hurled at them. Some people put on style in talking or singing. They seem to be ashamed of the sound God has given to their voices, and in try- ing to effect a change make bigger fools of themselves than nature intended. Some women try to improve on their voices until their talk sounds like a cross between a parrot and a choked crow. In their effort to prove to 202 Lecture on Style God he does not know his business they make their friends tired, and the dogs feel like com- mitting suicide. Nothing will so quickly make a dog feel like escaping the torments of earth as to hear his mistress grinding out talk that sounds like a choked parrot trying to swear. No voice sounds as good as the one God has given ; and no fool is bigger than the fool who tries to adulterate it in talking or singing. There is a difference between noise and singing. A pig under a gate makes noise, so does a singer under the impression that style in singing does not make most people tired. Too much pecu- liar noise makes the soul tired, the heart weary and the brain whirl. No mortal can listen to what is often called singing three hours and not have symptoms of insanity. If a man has to die a horrible death, he ought to be extended some evidences of humanity — throw him in an old well and let him starve. Style even takes the knife off the table and compels mortal man to saw his beefsteak with a fork. Just what the knife has done that it is forced to take a vacation, has not been made known. If God, or anybody else with good sense to spare, intended that a fork was made to cut or saw with, he should stand forth. Beefsteak and boarding house pies have enough to endure without being mutilated with a fork. Lecture on Rich Boys 203 LECTURE ON RICH BOYS Wealth is often a misfortune to boys. Many of them can trace their downward career to the day when they came into possession of a fortune. They were so bHnded by the gHtter of gold that they could see but a few feet in advance on the pathway of life. To them the world seemed to be a field for all play and no work. The possession of a fortune was enough to drive all thoughts of economy from their minds, and they could see no necessity for labor, thinking they could be lavish and yet always be rich. They were always taking from their inheritance, but adding nothing to it. No pleasure was too expensive for them to enjoy, and nothing was too costly for them to buy. Their wealth seemed as illimitable as the atmosphere, and their ability to spend it in- creased with their years. They went on and on blindly until their last dollar was gone and with it went many of their "best" friends. Pen- niless and almost friendless they awaken to a realization of their unenviable condition. It is more than easy for them to see they took the wrong train and landed at the wrong station. Perhaps friends had warned them they were not on the right road, but, filled with the false importance that money often 204 Lecture on Rich Boys brings, they were too wise in their blind con- ceit, to heed the warning. When too late they see it all as they should at the beginning of the journey. The words of their friends are now before them continually, but it is too late to profit by them. Money caused their down- fall. Too often the possession of plenty of money drives away all forms of economy and stops the flow of reason. Thousands of boys are ruined because they inherited a fortune. Many parents who began business life at the foot of the ladder and by persistent industry and strictest economy accumulated much wealth, have a continued, crazy desire to leave their children enough that they will not have to work. They will deny themselves necessities and pleasures that their children may inherit a few hundred dollars more. It does not occur to them that their children have the same world to live in that they have, and ought to be as able to become wealthy as their parents. The blind desire to leave children independent of labor is as foolish as it is weak. It is folly for parents to want their children to live without work. They have worked hard from their youth, and why should their children give their lives to idleness. Wealth often drives out a desire for intellec- tual progress. Hundreds of rich boys have be- come mental dwarfs, who, had they been poor, would have been mental giants. They Lecture on Rich Boys 205 possessed the power of mind needed, but, by the possession of wealth, were enticed to a Hfe of expensive ease, and the mind power was not developed. The mind driveled, while a fortune was squandered. More rich boys die in poverty than ever distinguish themselves in any of the honor- able avocations. They are failures because they place money above mind. The boy who is strong in money and weak in mind will soon be as strong in mind as in money — he will be lacking in both. Riches that came easy often go as they came. Many boys born with "silver spoons in their mouths" die with hunger in their stomachs. Few boys can resist the temptation to be lazy, indolent and wild when they know they do not have to work. Where one boy, whose parents are wealthy, makes a success in life, ten of his class are failures. This is not because they are not capable of being successful, but because they do not develop the powers that lift up instead of pull down. When a rich boy starts on the down grade, he gets to the bottom a hundred times sooner than a poor boy, because he has the means for making the trip in the shortest time possible. Usually when a rich boy gets to the bottom, he is there to stay ; for his money and friends are all gone, ^nd he didn't have sense enough to get a return ticket before starting. The mistake of many rich boys is the thought 20G Lecture on Rich Boys that money makes the man. While this may sometimes seemingly be true, money makes fools of boys oftener than it seems to make men of them. A boy with plenty of money and little brains is like a balloonist with plenty of gas and little ballast: he will soar high and light hard. Many rich boys soar high while their money lasts, and then complain of the un- equal division of wealth. Parents are too often to blame for the wrong course pursued by their children. They edu- cate them in the love of money, but do not teach them the worth of an education. They are continually crowding money into their pockets, but make little effort to put knowledge into their heads. A boy with a full pocket and an empty head can be found by the noise he makes, while a boy with a full head and an empty pocket can be known by the silence he keeps. The hen that lays the smallest eggs cackles loudest. The boy who is rich in money and poor in knowledge is deserving of pity. But he is not to blame; his parents put on him the unbal- anced load. He would willingly have taken on less money and more knowledge if it had been offered. He learned what he was taught; believed what he heard every day in the year. He had a lesson each day, and the lesson v/as always on "Money." It was the one thought. The pile of money must be made higher that Lecture on Poor Boys 207 he might not work when his parents were gone to their final rest. His mind was neglected in youth that he might loaf in his manhood. He was not permitted to spend a dollar for pleasure. His only enjoyment was in seeing the heap of money grow larger. It is little wonder that when it all became his that he sought enjoyment in its most extravagant form, and soon the fortune had vanished. The great pile of money was gone and he stood like one on a barren island — tired, disgusted and hungry. The lack of wisdom on the part of his parents left him a wreck ere he began to know money was his most dangerous enemy. LECTURE ON POOR BOYS Boys often become discouraged because they are poor. Seeing their playmates well dresseed and having plenty of money causes them to see only the dark side of life, and they feel more like giving up than pushing onward and upward. They see nothing but a future filled with hard work, while other boys revel in leisure and pleasure. They have never learned that all is not gold that glitters; that often those rich in youth are poor in old age. A poor boy is free of the temptation to spend his 208 Lecture on Poor Boys days in a manner that brings disgrace to his home and his parents. Honest poverty is a legacy of which no boy has a right to be ashamed. It stimulates him to high and noble efforts, which often place him in the most desirable positions of honor and trust. On the pages of history are the names of hundreds of the ablest, wisest and most successful men who were poor boys. They began at the foot of the ladder, and by industry ascended round by round to places of greatest honor and responsibility. An honest heart, willing hand and a clear head is worth more to a boy than to be a millionaire. The poor boy who feels discouraged because his parents cannot leave him a fortune should read of the many truly great men who were in his class when they were boys. These lost no time in vain regrets. They resolved to go forward and went. They did not wait to ride with others to success, but walked rather than lose time. Such boys as these are not few. Their names are found in history during all time. They number such names as Columbus, Homer, Demosthenes, Cromwell, Franklin, Defoe, Virgil, Shakespeare, Burns, Napoleon, Astor, Burritt, Webster, Clay, Henry, Peabody, Vanderbilt, Girard, Lincoln, Grant, and hun- dreds of others who knew what it was to be the sons of poor parents. They did not deplore their condition, but went to work with a deter- Lecture on Poor Boys 209 minatlon to climb higher, and trifles did not stop their progress. If a poor boy expects to be a success in life, he must not be discouraged at the loss of a dollar or frightened at the hoot of an owl. All along the pathway will be those seeking to hinder or dscourage. Many, having not the ability or the inclination to move forward, take pleasure in attempting to cause others to turn back. They are too lazy or too much lacking in ability to succeed and do all in their power to prevent others from doing so. It has been often said "the most successful men begin life in their shirt sleeves." It could as truthfully have been added, "and they kept their coats off until they succeeded." The world is indebted to the poor boys for most of its advancement. Had all boys been rich the world would be ragged and few men would have been great. Necessity pushes the boy out from home, and he is too proud to acknowledge he cannot make his way in the world without assistance, and is soon achieving success. Poor boys should take the world as they find it and not envy others. Envy breeds dissatis- faction and often leads to crime. If the path- way is smooth, travel is so easy that they do not profit by the journey. The way to test a boy's ability to go to mill is to give him a poor horse and send him over the roughest road. Then bread made from the flour he gets 14 210 Lecture on Poor Boys will taste sweeter, and he will enjoy the honor of making the trip in safety. The boy who overcomes difficulties without a murmur is the boy who wins. If he is poor, he realizes the necessity of not yielding to discouragements, and his chances for success are far greater than if he has money at command. Poverty is an incentive to industry, and industry brings success. The boy who is reared in a home where there is not plenty learns a lesson in economy that is worth more to him than to in- herit thousands of dollars. It is the poor boys who climb highest on the ladders of fortune and fame and remain there longest. Few of those who have achieved success in any business or profession have not been poor boys. Tom L. Johnson, the million- aire and man of honest courage who claims the admiration of the world, was a poor boy only a few years ago. By industry and obeying orders he soon held responsible positions and opportunities came to him that would never have been his if he had been lazy and careless about orders. The great need is for more Tom L. Johnson boys — boys who can be relied upon to do their work honestly and well. A boy's richest possession is a reputation for honesty and industry. It is better for the world to know a boy is honest and active than that he inherit a fortune. Such boys are so few that the demand for them is never supplied. Boys Lecture on Character 211 who can be trusted are as scarce as honest men. The boy who deplores the poverty of his par- ents should resolve to waste no time in vain regrets, but congratulate himself on the splen- did opportunity he has for making himself rich by letting the world know he is honest and industrious. Every boy should say with Longfellow : — "Let us, then, be up and doing, With a heart for any fate; Still achieving, still pursuing; Learn to labor and to wait." LECTURE ON CHARACTER There are two kinds of character, good and bad, and there are three degrees of each. The good may be better or best; the bad may be worse or worst. Some have plenty of character and some have plenty of character to get. Character is what people are, and many are so near nothing that they can't have much character of either kind. Character is strong or weak, as its possessor is strong or weak. A weak man can't have a strong character any more than a fool can be wise. To accom- plish much for good or bad there must be a strong character. The weak good man cannot add greatly to the good, and the weak bad man 212 Lecture on Character cannot add greatly to the bad. They are born, Hve and die and the condition of the world is little changed on account of them having gone through it. They would have accomplished something if they could, but they were not wholly to blame. Nature did not fit them for doing more than they did, and they quit near where they began. But nature was perhaps more kind to them than they believed. If they did not make progress in good or bad they had more friends and lost less sleep than those who did things. Those of strong char- acter accomplish something and others become envious, their envy often growing into hate. Those who push out into the fields of thought and action have more enemies than those who wait for the Car of Success to come along that they may jump in and ride. It is easier to sit on the fence and wait than it is to go down the road and help push. As buzzards wait for something to die, some people wait for some- thing to happen. They prefer to wait for some- thing to take place than make it take place. They allow their weakness of character to grow into laziness, and then blame God and the people for what they call misfortune. While nature has been unkind to some in the strength of character given, that is not good excuse for inaction. Character, like muscle, is capable of development. A weak character can he made stronger by putting it to test. Things Lecture on Character 213 that seem most difficult are often the easiest to accomphsh. Those who never attempt more than they know they can do, never know all that they can do. So long as health and strength are perfect, it is always possible to go a little further or do a litle more than on the previous day. Often those who hesitate through fear of failure, see those of inferior ability or strength achieve success. It is well to stay close to the shore when the storm is near, but when the sky is clear and weather pleasant it is better to venture away from the ferns and moss. It is sometimes better to fail than not to have tried. Character like the mind, can be made to grow. Some have a great deal of character because nature gave it to them; others have a great deal of character because they added to that which nature gave them. Many boys who did not make their mark as boys have become successful men. They added to the strength of mind and resolution they had until they built up a character that was full of independence and individuality. If boys would add to the good of their characters, they must be wise in what they do. They cannot add to the strength of their minds by drinking to excess, chewing tobacco, keeping questionable late hours or in any other way robbing their strength or poison- ing their systems. A boy cannot lend himself to folly and vice without lessening his physical 214 Lecture on Character and intellectual strength; and as these are lessened his worth as a man is decreased. It is not the young man who drinks most whiskey or smokes most cigarettes that is most sought by those who want capable and reliable em- ployes. If a boy seeks work he does not say, "I can smoke twenty cigarettes a day and am out with the boys every night until 2 o'clock." If a man seeks a position, he does not say, "I smoke ten cigars a day and drink a half a dozen whiskies a day, and personally know all the sporting women in town." These things are left for the employer to find out, and when he does find them out, he is charitable enough to allow it to be given out that the dis- charged employe ''resigned his position," thus encouraging him in continuing his downward way. If all employers would always tell why their employes "resigned" there would be more men and women, boys and girls capable of holding positions. If only those who are clean physically and morally could secure positions there would be thousands more who would be strong in the kind of character that is so much in demand. If character is what a man is, his character is what he makes it, and he can make it good or bad. He can climb the ladder that extends up- ward or descend the one that extends down- ward. He can be an honor to himself and friends or he can be all that he should not be. Lecture on Success 215 The gates are open along both ways, and both are traveled by men and women but the scenery and stopping places are much different. The character of the traveler is known by the road he takes. The kind of a job he gets at the end of his journey depends on what he has been. He may be a "florist" or a "fireman." His home may be above or below. LECTURE ON SUCCESS Success comes to those who go after it. There is no such thing as luck. The lazy fool sits down and waits for Good Fortune to empty its horn of plenty into his lap. What comes to man in wealth must be earned, stolen, inherited of by gift. Only young birds hold up their mouths and wait to be fed. Man must work something or somebody or starve. Often he goes forth with honesty in his heart and returns full of the spirit of "do others be- fore they do you." Everybody cannot be successful any more than all can be wise and beautiful. There is no success without ability and that ability must be rightly applied. A man with ability to preach may be a failure as a lawyer or a doctor. Few are fitted to do more than Q\xe thing sue- 216 Lecture on Success cessfully. The great secret of success is to know what that thing is and stick to it with a determination that knows no such thing as fail. Those who have had their names written high above those of the millions, did not drift aimlessly down the stream of Time, with eyes shut, listening for the Goddess of Fortune to call them to a feast of riches or fame. They started out to win and won. If misfortune came it nerved them to stronger effort. Men who succeed can be traced along the way they have traveled. Their steps were so firm, making tracks so deep and wide that they re- main forever to guide those who would follow where they lead. "Lives of great men all remind us We can make our lives sublime. And, departing, leave behind us Footprints in the sands of Time. "Footprints that perhaps another, Sailing o'er Life's solemn main, A forlorn and shipwrecked brother, Seeing, shall take heart again." It is commendable to aspire to follow the footprints of great men, but the ambition to follow them should not exceed the ability to do and be something. A man with limited ability aspiring to be a Washington, a Lincoln, a Vanderbilt or a Sage is like a boy chasing a bear. When the ambition exceeds the ability there is disappointment ahead. Because a man makes a success of a peanut stand is no reason Lecture on Success 217 he can successfully manage a department store. Thousands of business and professional men have been wrecked on this rock. Misjudged ability of self is where the danger so often lies. It is better to make a success of setting hens than a failure of breeding fine horses. ''Know thyself," said a wise man: every blade of grass, every bush, every tree teaches the same lesson. Grass does not try to be a bush nor does a bush try to be a tree and a tree is con- tent to be a tree. They grow as nature intended and never fail while life is theirs. The one who studies nature's ways will know himself; and no one succeeds until he does know him- self. Hundreds fail because they want to rise with the rapidity of a balloon. They cannot be patient long enough to lay a foundation for future use. If success does not come in a short time, they change their course, and continue to change until they know something of many things and nothing particular of anything. After repeated attempts to become wealthy or famous they begin to study themselves and learn they have been trying to do everything except what they are fitted to do. A man can- not change himself. If nature intended him to saw wood or clerk in a hotel, he had as well be contented to fill his designed place in the world as well as his ability will allow. Some fail because they mix strong drink and 218 Lecture on Success business. If they have good business thoughts they give them a whiskey bath and then wonder where they go. No man can succeed when his back teeth are floating in corn juice. The stomach is the central for the telephone sys- tem of the human body, and the mind does not get proper messages when the keyboard is covered with whiskey. No man can make a creditable record in business when his brain gets drunken messages from his stomach. The lives of most of the great men teach a lesson that all young men should study. Hun- dreds of them began at the bottom and attained enviable positions by their own efforts. Abra- ham Lincoln was a rail-splitter, Ulysses S. Grant was a tanner, James A. Garfield was a driver on a canal-boat and Charles M. Schwab, who drew a salary of $250,000 a year, was a clerk at $3.50 a week when 15 years old, and hundreds of other poor boys have climbed high up the ladder of success, showing that wealth is not necessary to insure greatness. Wealth often hinders progress. The boy who has riches at his command too often lets his brain shrivel that he may develop the baser elements in him. A young man with a million dollars and a twenty-ounce brain is like a balloon with too much ballast — can't rise and soon "flattens out." Some are failures in life because they are too lazy to do anything but sit on the fence and Lecture on Swearing Off 219 ''pucker." They would whistle if it did not require some effort. Laziness is not a relative of success. Men who have made their mark were active and energetic. They did not wait for something to turn up but turned some- thing up. The hog that stirs the leaves most gets the greatest number of acorns. The hen that scratches the most has the fullest craw. The lazy man never gets to the front till he rides in a hearse. Success means action, and action brings its reward. LECTURE ON SWEARING OFF Swearing off belongs to the world. It is not peculiar to England, Ireland, Germany, America or any other country. Under all suns and in all climates swear-off pledges are made and broken. It is practiced in all coun- tries, by all classes. The rich, the poor, the handsome, the homely, the grave, the gay make promises to themselves to keep sober. They might well be made for many other faults, but seldom are. They are always made in faith and often broken in haste. Those who drink to excess often decide to quit drinking at the beginning of a new year. Many keep sacred the good resolve, but many more do 220 Lecture on Swearing Off not. Such a resolve is highly commendable to the one who makes it, but less so to the one who breaks it. Though broken it is better than if not made; for it shows a desire for reform where reform is so badly needed. When a man resolves to snatch himself from the gutter, he should be encouraged by all his friends to remain true to his resolve. He who would try to induce a man to break a resolve to be sober is an enemy to society. He would drag him down when he is striving to build himself up. It is the duty of every self-respect- ing person to lend an encouraging word and a sustaining hand to the one who would throw off the curse of his life. The one who would not assist him deserves the burning condemnation of all his friends and a blazing reception in a place where there are no icicles. While swearing off is seldom used except by those who "drink deep and long," its worth is not limited. It should not apply alone to the drunkard. There are those who have greater need for its use than those who place themselves on a level with the swine when they "wallow in the ditch." Often those who cry most for reform in others need it more for themselves. If only the drunkard needed to reform half the church doors could be closed, half the ministers seek other vocations, and Satan reduce his working force in like propor- tion. Lecture on Swearing Oif 221 Many who show sympathy for the man in the gutter need it more for themselves. The drunkard is often pitied by those who should envy him as he is, rather than what they are. The man who is mean to his family will wish his drinking friend would swear off. The woman who cuckolds her husband will say it is "such a great pity" the men who get drunk do not swear off. The man who has amber- colored teeth and lines of tobacco juice extend- ing from the corners of his mouth will advise his bibulous friend to try to be sober. The man who lies to his best friend that he may add a few dollars to his wealth, will almost shed tears if that friend takes a drink too many for sobriety. The church member who puts religion on as a cloak to cover up the dark spots in his character offers a long prayer for his friend who takes too much wine for his stomach's sake. Often a "good sister" who "wouldn't do anything wrong for all the riches in the world," except try to stir up trouble be- tween friends and accuse the minister of being too friendly with some other sister is "so sorry" some man outside the church "don't quit drink- ing and become one of us good people." Some young ladies who will go buggy riding with married men when the sun is down and the moon don't shine will refuse the company of a young man whose only fault is the lack of being sober at all times. Some young men who 222 Lecture on Swearing Off visit houses of prostitution will advise their liquor-soaked friends to swear off if they want to associate with them. Sometimes the minis- ter, the elder or the deacon who sneaks in at the back door of a saloon at home after night, or walks boldly in at the front door when away from home will dwell long on the sin of drink- ing, and the necessity of total abstinence. The man who is seldom at home of nights because he is too friendly with the wife of his neighbor, will hope someone who takes strong drink will resolve to quit. Women, who are wives and mothers, and harlots on the sly will boil over with condemnation for the man who tumbles in the gutter, and wonder why his wife does not get a divorce if he does not swear off, and stay sworn off. And so it ever is. Through all the years that have passed and the years that will come — those who profess most sym- pathy or hatred for the drunkard often have least room to do so. It is often those who have the greatest faults that condemn most the faults of others. Pretense is not purity. The robber often attracts attention to himself by crying ''stop thief" too loud. Too often those who assume to have full-grown wings, don't have a promise of them. It is not often that those most ready to shun others would willingly consent to have a searchlight thrown on their characters. Lecture on Suckers 223 LECTURE ON SUCKERS There are two kinds of suckers — those that live in the water and those that Hve on land. The former are good to eat, and the latter are good "to bite." A water sucker has scales on its body and a land sucker has scales on his eyes. Sometimes he sees through the scales, but is usually too late to benefit him. The water sucker has eyes in the side of its head but it can see a "point" much quicker than the land sucker who has eyes in the front part of his head. About the only thing that both suckers are alike in, is that both bite. One is always in the swim and the other is always trying to get in the swim but seldom does. One is a sucker whether it bites or not and the other is not a sucker until he bites, but usually im- proves every opportunity to bite. They bite often and hard. They would rather bite than not bite. So anxious are they to bite that they often swallow the bare hook and then wonder why they couldn't see in daylight. Were it not for the land suckers there would be fewer people making their living without work. Every time a sucker swallows a bait, some sharper gets a few dollars without earning them by the sweat of his brow. Those who "fish" know a sucker by sight, 224 Lecture on Suckers and know when to jerk to land him. He goes after the bait with eyes shut and mouth open, and swallows it so eagerly that he rarely fails to pull the cork under, and hold it until he is landed safely. If human suckers were fit to eat, fish would not sell for more than two cents a pound. They are so plentiful. A man never gets too old to be a sucker, nor too wise to not bite. Often a statesman will swallow an intended bait more readily than the one with "room to let." It is not uncommon for a teacher to bite quicker than a pupil. Preachers bite, lawyers bite, doctors bite, mer- chants bite, everybody bites, the only differ- ence being that some bite oftener and harder than others. Every man or woman is a sucker, and can be caught. What will catch some will not catch others, and what will catch others will not catch some. Every man has his bait, and he always finds it somewhere along the much traveled pathway of life. He may not find it until he has started down the shady side of the "Hill of Life," but he finds it. The more mile posts he passes before he finds the bait, the harder he bites. Many men never swallow a hook until their heads are silvered and then bite so hard that the Lord wishes he had called them in while they could truth- fully say : Many years o'er me have flit, And I never bit a little bit. Lecture on Suckers 225 It is well that boys become suckers early in manhood. They will then not bite so readily when older. "Teach a boy the way he should go and he will not depart from it." He can in no way quicker learn that fire burns than to get burnt. The boy that becomes a sucker early in life will shy around the suspicious- looking bait when he is older. Better be a young fool than an old one. Suckers can always be caught, no matter what the bait, if it is in the right water. The man who can- not catch a sucker, now and then, is a failure, and ought to surrender his place to someone who knows how to fish. Perhaps Cupid is the greatest and most successful angler alive or dead. He catches all kinds of suckers, old and young, short and tall, fat and lean, green and ripe, wise and un- wise and otherwise. He throws out a hook baited with love and lands a few good fish. He tries a hook baited with money and the suckers are so thick trying to swallow the bait and hook that they resemble a gang of tramps invited to a free lunch. Women are as big suckers as men when Cupid uses money for bait. Hundreds of young women eagerly swallow money-bait when they know they are to be landed by an old man who has plenty of wealth and no health. They think they can stand it to be an old fool's darling until he runs out of breath ; then they 15 226 Lecture on Suckers will have enough money to insure a big gang of younger suckers to choose from. Money is the only bait that all suckers jump after. Honor that comes from holding office is the bait that next is sought by suckers. Sometimes it is desirable, sometimes it is not. People have such a strong desire to hold office that they will fight each other for any little 2x4 position in sight. Men will often give up a good paying position to get an office with a much smaller salary. In this women have as little sense as men. They will snap up a tiresome little office as eagerly as a spider would a fly, and often become so puffed up with importance that they can't see women who keep house and try to make their home pleasant and their husbands happy. Because they are not suckers enough to bite at office bait, they are snubbed by some who happen to draw a salary from the state or government. The most-to-be-pitied sucker is the one that will get caught on the same bait more than once. He is a full brother of the one who tries to beat another at his own game. Were it not for these kinds of suckers the fakirs would be compelled to go to work or steal outright. Were it not for suckers there would be no ^'street fairs" and "street carnivals." Were it not for suckers there would be no gambling rooms. Were it not for suckers there would be no "traveling swindlers." Were it not for suck- Lecture on Worrying 227 ers there would be more people trying to make an honest living. Were it not for suckers there would be fewer unhappy homes. Were it not for suckers there would be fewer fools. Were it not for fools there would be no suckers. LECTURE ON WORRYING With many this is a world of worry. They worry all the day and dream things at night that worry them all the next day, thus making life one continual round of misery. They always find something to fret about. The weather is too hot or too cold. Their friends do not do just as they would like to have them do. It rains too much or it don't rain enough. The wind blows too hard or it blows too little. With them nothing is ever just right, and they threaten to enter into competition with the Creator by making a world of their own. Per- haps the only thing that prevents them from doing so is that they don't want to drive him out of business. But even if they made a world of their own it would not suit them, for they are always as much dissatisfied with what they do as they are with what others do. Neither God, man nor the Devil can do anything to suit them. Thousands of people never see anything but 228 Lecture on Worrying the dark side of life. No clouds with silver linings ever cross their vision. No stars of hope ever twinkle their merry light across their pathway. No sun of happiness ever sheds its strengthening rays through the dusted win- dows of their souls. No moonbeams of cheery gladness fall upon their lives, made weary by continual worry, fret and stew. They know nothing of the sweets of life, because every- thing to them is sour. They drink in eagerly the vinegar of discontent and make faces at the nectar of happiness and contentment. Like a mean mule, they always find something to kick about. Instead of planting the seeds of hope in the heart, causing it to grow, they sow it full of seeds of doubt, causing it to shrivel until it becomes as useless for what it was in- tended as is a stone for food. People who are always worrying are a load to themselves and everybody else. They worry until they feel that life is a burden and they would like to die, and everybody around them shares the same feeling. But when the time comes for them to "lie down to pleasant dreams" — if such a thing is possible for them — they worry for fear they will meet a lot of people they don't like. If Death should call for them when they are in one of their strongest I-want-to-die moods they'd worry because they didn't know it in time to comb their hair and put on their best clothes. The one who is Lecture on Worrying 229 always wanting to die, seldom gets ready to take passage for that undiscovered country. The home that has a worrying wife or a worrying husband is half in darkness. God pity the man or woman who has a worrying companion. A millstone about the neck would not be a greater weight. A wife that is never satisfied, can drive her husband to suicide, and a husband that knows nothing but worry, can drive the wife to seek divorce. Children brought up in a home where all is worry, stew and fret never know whether to laugh or cry. They have never seen a cloudless day in the home and are strangers to a fireside where all is peace and joy and love. Worry is the undertaker's friend, because it shortens life. It is also the lawyer's friend, because it promotes divorce proceedings. People who worry continually are always ail- ing; therefore worry is the doctor's friend. People who worry morning, noon and night, and most of the time between, never have healthy livers, because they never get any rest — that sweet, balmy rest that ''knits the raveled sleeve of eare," and does away with tendencies to despair. No home can be full of cheer and sunshine when it contains a soul loaded with borrowed care and anxiety. People who are always borrowing trouble, never have time to hunt contentment. They climb hills where there are 230 Lecture on Worrying none and step high where the ground is level. They see things that do not exist and scent odors that do not arise. They magnify a mole hill until it is a mountain. They grope in the darkness when there is plenty of light in the next room. They are so blinded to the bright side of Ife that every look into the future reflects a shadow. If you are inclined to worry- Borrow fancied trouble and care — Don't give way to the feeling; For you've not a year to spare. If afflicted with stew and fret, And everything, you think, goes wrong, Don't believe there is no light — The sun is sure to shine ere long. Lecture on Domestic Trouble 231 LECTURE ON DOMESTIC TROUBLE The numerous divorce cases are enough to make married people, old maids, old bachelors, dudes and other animals wonder what all the trouble is about. And the more they wonder the more they will want to call in help to assist in determining what is the cause of so much do- mestic difference. So much unhappiness in the home is enough to drive Cupid out of business. It is little wonder there are so many old maids and old bachelors when so many of those who commit matrimony are wanting to be divorced. They are foolish enough to think they would be no more fortunate than the divorce seekers. They seldom take time to consider why so many matches that some say are made in Heaven are unmade in a hotter place; that is, the home is a hell until the tie is untied and the ill-matched birds are free. There are many reasons why there is not happiness in all homes. Perhaps the greatest trouble is the lack of good, common sense in selecting life-partners. Often people who ex- hibit good sense in everything else are the worst fools when it comes to getting married. Men who would select a horse with the utmost care, always getting a good one, seem to shut their eyes and grab when selecting a wife. And 232 Lecture on Domestic Trouble many women seem to choose husbands in the same manner. Then after they get each other they wonder what on earth they were thinking about; and sometimes will be idiotic enough to claim they were hypnotized. Too often the hypnotism was caused by the prospect of plenty of money and a life of ease, or a position in society. Men or women who are fools enough to think riches a good substitute for love ou^ht to have the soft spots in their heads bake ^ until the wheels get to turning in the right direcu ^ Some homes are strangers to happiness be- cause there is no more love on the part of one or both than is common among dumb brutes. The husband may regard his wife as a slave, intended to cook, wash and serve him. The wife may have married him because she thought she couldn't get anyone else, and cares less for him than she does for some other men. Such a couple is like a balky team — never of the same mind at once. There is domestic trouble in some homes because the husbands are not at home enough to get acquainted with their wives. They make their homes as a hotel — a place to eat and sleep — and are seldom there at other times. The wife tires of living alone and longs to be free once more. Perhaps another has spoken kindly to her and she begins to think there are better fish in the sea than she caught. Lecture on Domestic Trouble 233 and longs to try her luck again. It often hap- pens that a good man has a bad wife or a good wife a bad man. In either case the lawyer is sure to get a fee. Many men are no more entitled to a good wife than the Devil is to a seat in Heaven. They go home drunk, curse the wife, frighten the children and vomit until the home more resembles the pen of a wild boar than the abode of a human. When the wife gets so tired of such treatment that she can't rest, she goes back to the home of her childhood, re- solved to die or be free. But she seldom dies very soon, unless the husband gets drunk and goes gunning for her. Some separations may be the result of the wife and the husband never having a pleasant word for each other. So far as evidence of love — that pure and holy love that makes the home a heaven — is concerned, they are as two strangers. Yet while there is no warmth of affection they make it hot — very hot — for each other; so hot that everything seems to sizzle. The sizzling continues until the "pot of trouble" boils over, and puts out the little blaze of love Cupid has been trying to keep burning, in the hope that the fools might have a little sense before it is too late. Often parents are to blame for the domestic troubles of their daughters by pushing them into society while they are in the short-dress 234 Lecture on Domestic Trouble stage and allowing them to marry before they know the difference between love and desire. Think of a school girl, who has not outgrown the trundle bed, becoming a wife, perhaps a mother. She may be able to bake bread and she may not. After a while she begins to wonder what she is here for, longs to be some- where else, and goes. God never intended that the homes of the land should be presided over by kid wives. Neither did He intend the heads of families should be school boys, who can't stay away from their mothers a week without crying to go home. Less trouble in the home is one of the great needs, yet it is a need that is seldom even talked about. People in their mad rush to get rich or places of honor say of the quarreling couple, "Let 'em fight it out." Often the kind words of a peacemaker might open the maddened eyes of husband and wife and prevent separation and divorce. But the kind words are not spoken, and the quarreling ends in divorce or death. The result might have been prevented if any one had tried. But no one had time. The world was too busy smashing saloons, getting rich and running for office. But, after all, perhaps it was just as well. The kind-hearted peacemaker might have been killed and the following placed on his tombstone : ''This fool was killed while try- ing to make peace betv/een two bigger fools." Lecture on Kissing 235 LECTURE ON KISSING Kissing is as old as the Garden of Eden. Adam discovered it when he was hunting trouble, and, like Columbus, he never realized the greatness of his discovery until after his death. Neither did he realize that the good that men do sometimes lives after them. It is perhaps, just as well that the science (for it is a science) of kissing, like most other impor- tant discoveries, was accidental. For awhile Adam was the only man that profited by his discovery. He did not mean to be exclusive, but wanted to thoroughly test his discovery before he gave it to the world. He tried it on every woman on earth, and it worked like a charm on each charmer. Each one pro- nounced it "perfectly lovely," "real sweet," and "just the thing for old and young." One lady gave him the following testimonial : Mr. Adam : — Your discovery beats anything I have tested. It makes me feel like I was the only woman on earth. It ought to be in every home, and used as regularly as baking powders. EVE. When Adam was sure it was a success, and could be used in all climates he gave it to the people to have and to use until the dawning of eternity. He sold no state, county or township 236 Lecture on Kissing rights. It was free as the water and lasting as time. It can be used in more ways than a patent clothes rack. The rich can use it on the rich, the poor on the poor or the rich and poor can use it on one another; the husband and wife can use it together, the husband use it on the hired girl or the wife on the hired man. Like Pinkerton detectives, it is best adapted for "secret service," although it is often used in public by women, relatives and fools. Among those in the latter class are brides who allow the ministers to seal the words of the marriage ceremony by kissing them, or the brides and grooms who kiss each other soon as they are pronounced double. Women kiss each other to show the men what they expect. It is a silly practice that is not always without harm. There are few who know how to properly give or take a kiss. Some grab it like a tramp would a piece of fried chicken; some hold on like a pup to a bone; some soar around it like a buzzard around a carcass; some sit down and wait for it to come to them, and some don't know enough to take it when it arrives; others take it as if there was no danger of it getting away. The best way to take a kiss is to take it calmly, gracefully and tenderly. If it is ready to be taken there is no need to be in a hurry. A kiss that is ripe stays right where it is until picked. Some authorities say Lecture on Kissing 237 the man should be the taller to insure the high- est possible blissfulness in a kiss, but that is only somebody's opinion. Only a fool would miss taking a kiss were it a little higher or a little lower than his osculator. According to the Bible there are several kinds of kisses, among them the ''deceitful kiss," the "holy kiss," the ''kiss of charity," the "fall-on-the-neck kiss," and the kiss on the feet. It is recorded "a woman washed his feet with tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and did kiss his feet." It is not stated why a woman would "stoop so low" as to kiss a man's feet. But it may have been then as now, some men's mouths were so filthy that their feet was a more inviting place to plant a kiss, especially after they were washed with tears and wiped with golden tresses. Some men's mouths are no more fit to be kissed than a bung hole in a slop barrel. It is recorded that men used to kiss each other, but they quit that long ago. They got tired of mixing tobacco juice and the smell of different brands of whiskey. Besides, they found they had no time for foolishness if they kissed the women all they wanted to be osculated. While men will not kiss where the smell of sour mash and the stink of tobacco is, thousands of women are not so particular. They will mix the sweetness of a kiss with the sourness of a "sour mash" as eagerly as some 238 Lecture on Kissing people eat limbiirger cheese. When a sweet- Hpped, rosy-cheeked, tender-eyed girl allows a snoot that is colored with the juice of tobacco, and scented with the smell of "rot-gut" to be pushed against her face, it is enough to disturb the rest of Mother Eve. Such a sight is enough to make the women angels weep and fall from their seats of honor in the New Jerusalem. No man has a right to kiss a pure souled woman unless his mouth is clean and his breath is pure. As long as young women receive kisses from young men with amber- colored lips and breath loaded with doubtful odors, that long will they be expected to do so. They should at least demand that enough time pass between the chewing and drinking and kissing for nature to purify and water and soap cleanse. Of course, some women get tired of waiting to be kissed and never miss a chance. Thousands of women have never been kissed — that they can remember. When they were little tots with golden curls and dimpled cheeks some smart young men, who would rather lie than eat turkey, might have kissed them and promised they would make them their sweet- hearts and turtle doves when they got big and homely, but that was so long ago, that it would be too severe a strain on their memories to try to recall those happy days. And many of these women never had what is called a Lecture on Old Bachelors 239 husband. They do not know how hicky they have been. But what is kissing, that nothing that has so moved the world. It is as much sought after as a jack rabbit in Oklahoma, yet it yearly undoes its thousands. Men have given up home and Heaven for a kiss ; for a kiss men have lost their thrones and went to their graves unwept and unsung; for a kiss women have forsaken home and friends and died of remorse in an almshouse. A kiss may mean life or it may mean death. It may lead to light or it may lead to darkness. It may make Heaven sure; it may make Hell certain. Beware! LECTURE ON OLD BACHELORS An old bachelor is an animal without a tail and often not much of a head. He usually be- longs to some family and always can be classed. Though he often ''makes a monkey of himself," he is not arboreal, but will sometimes climb a tree if a woman appears suddenly and will not "come down," though she calls him pet names and promises not to harm him. Sometimes a woman gets an old bachelor "treed" when there are no trees in sight. At such times he will often become tame enough to allow her to "touch" him — for a diamond ring. Sometimes 240 Lecture on Old Bachelors he will even permit her to pat him under the chin. When an old bachelor will allow a woman to caress the place where whiskers grow, he is ready to surrender. No bachelor, young or old, can resist chin caressing. One pat under the chin will do more to win his heart than twelve hours of flattery. A man will doubt words of praise, but the moment a woman's hand lovingly touches his chin he is helpless. Old maids who did not know this are expected to send liberal remittances by first mail. Some women never capture an old bachelor because they are too sudden in their move- ments. They are as easy to catch as a lame goose if the proper course is pursued. They are so peculiar that they never like to have it thought they are "easy." If a woman wants to catch one of these cautious animals, she has only to convince him she is trying to catch another of his kind. He will then become as bold as a lion and as im-pressive as a bear. Old bachelors want to be captured, but they don't want it to seem they want to get rid of themselves. It is difficult for an old maid to capture an old bachelor because they are always suspicious of each other. That is why old maids so often marry boys in their teens and old bachelors rob trundle beds to get wives. In either case they ought to be arrested for cruelty to animals. One sensible old maid Lecture on Old Bachelors 241 is worth a house full of school girls for a wife, yet hundreds of old bachelors are blind to this fact until it is too late. School girls are all right in their place and their place is at home with their parents until they learn why they were born. Like most other live animals, the old bach- elor was born and never died, though he some- times wishes he had. While he seems to be happy in his loneliness, he always expects to become less lonely. He has heard or read of the married state and thinks it would be a capital idea to learn something of its "re- sources." He has heard of others becoming rich soon as they got to that state, and wants to know more of the matrimonial Klondyke where the smiles of Fortune are as the summer's sun beating upon the hillslope's south side. After years of waiting and wondering he longs to know something of its mysteries. After decid- ing to shed his natural state he is anxious to know what he is worth in the market, and worries because younger and perhaps greener pumpkins are selected while he remains upon the shelf. He sees them go and wonders when his turn will come. He wants someone to take pity on him and lead him where the roses bloom, the doves coo and the rippling waters sparkle in the golden sunlight. No bachelor gets so old that the "coo of a dove" does not lift his soul and make his heart beat 16 242 Lecture on Old Bachelors with increased hope. When an old bachelor would rather hear cooing than attend to busi- ness, he is not worth fifteen cents to himself or anybody else until he becomes sane again. An old bachelor in love is useless except to assist Cupid. When an old bachelor falls in love, no one credits him with having more than half sense until it is all over. Then he thinks he is the smartest man in town, even if he did marry someone that nobody else wanted. An old bachelor getting married is usually like buying lots at auction — he allows others to get all the best ones and takes choice of what is left. If old bachelors knew as much about selecting wives as they think they do they would all have wives with wings. Some are old bachelors from choice, some from necessity and some because they were born single. "Choice" often means that some other man was taken. All old bachelors like to have it appear they could get married if they wanted to, even to claiming they will never marry. When a man announces he will never marry, it is certain he has lost a case in "court." Some men remain single all their days because they have such a high estmate of themselves that only an angel could meet their ideal of woman. The man farthest from being perfect often expects Cupid to favor him in furnishing a life companion. If some men could marry women as good as they think Lecture on Popularity 243 they are there would be no limit to the num- ber of angel raisers on earth. There is no disgrace in being an old bachelor, but it's inconvenient when someone is needed to blame things on that did or didn't take place. Only those who have wives know of their value at such times. If the men who have long failed to secure a life partner realized the worth of wives when others are needed to fasten the blame on, there would be a closing-out sale rush in the matrmonial market. LECTURE ON POPULARITY Popularity is a common craze. Next to love of money it is humanity's greatest misfortune. As thousands would rather be rich than honest, thousands more would rather be popular than rich or honest. Popularity is their heaven, and they follow its guiding star, even if it takes them to the place where it is too hot to raise flowers. They would rather have it said they met the fancy of the people than to do good. Honest popularity is commendable. It is praiseworthy to be esteemed without an eflFort to win admiration. Truth does not need to be placarded; honesty is known without a letter of introduction ; true popularity is known by first sight. The man who follows the 244 Lecture on Popularity promptings of his heart and does his duty, as he sees it, without thought of pleasing or dis- pleasing those about him is a hero. It is better to have popularity come unsought and un- beckoned than to sit among the rich men and feast on the morsels of praise that fall from their lips. The man who seeks popularity is a fraud, a deceiver and often a devil. Such peo- ple are found in all walks of social, professional and financial life. The madness for popularity often leads misguided mortals to the very gates of perdition. Men often seek to be popular through mammon. They give a few dollars for church, charity or some other worthy cause and because of the gift expect to be pointed out as one worthy of confidence and esteem. Many men try to, and some do, win favor with anxious parents and their daughters through a display of wealth. A rich young man with a vacant face, an empty head and a soul steeped in blackness is often a social hero, when one with a pure heart, honest brain and intelligent look must pose as a "wall flower" and goes home early, hating the day he was born. In fashionable society, and in many other cases, money counts for more than brains. If it were possible many young men, in discouragement, would trade a pound of brainrs for four ounces of gold. Lack of money to conduct a courtship in the modern way, often drives young men from the college into Lecture on Popularity 245 stores, where they take money that is not their own to satisfy the desire of some fool female who would rather feast on fine candies and sleigh ride, at a dollar an hour to her "steady," than to have him know when Columbus discovered America or why the Pil- grim fathers crossed the ocean. Men seek to engage in business or pro- fessions thought to be popular without regard to the ability they possess. So long as this is true there will be men preaching who ought to be sawing wood ; some expounding law who ought to be pounding iron ; some writing, who ought to be digging and some giving medicine that ought to be "taking a vacation." The crazy desire to be in the "popular swim" often leads people into certain clubs. In joining clubs and societies, popularity rather than worth is considered. Some would not be- come a member where poor people are found and others would not have their names enrolled where those of the "best people of the town" are not written. The good the club or society may be accomplishing is not considered. Most people would rather be popular than do good. Perhaps more craziness for popularity is seen in the churches than anywhere else. There is desire to get into the church that has the largest or most fashionable membership, the finest church or the most wealthy members. Especially is this true of those engaged in 246 Lecture on Popularity business. What the creed, or the amount of Bible preached is secondary. In the desire to win new patrons to business, money is put above "dictates of conscience," and one of the most solemn sentences in the Declaration of Independence is lost sight of. As long as there are hundreds who would rather sell a few dollars worth of goods or receive a few extra fees than follow their conscience in worship- ing God, the Devil will not have to advertise for business or professional men. Although women have a decided jealousy in dress, many of them would not unite with a church where the hats were not up to date, and almost up to the sky; the dresses made by the latest pat- terns, and glasses worn for "style." If some women associate with those more plainly clad, they become so disgusted with themselves that they lose all the love of God in their hearts, and it takes them a month to get up steam again. Lecture on Jealousy 247 LECTURE ON JEALOUSY Jealousy is a mind poison. It is a rotten place in the heart. No mind is healthy that is tainted with it; no heart is at rest that gives it encouragement. It is a child of Satan doing the will of its father. The man of wealth and the man of poverty are alike its victims. The homely and the beautiful fall before it like snow melts under a warm sun. It grows and thrives in all grades of gray matter. The one of scant brains becomes its slave ; the mediocre yields almost as readily, and the wisest give up after a fruitless effort to not surrender. Then Satan laughs a good deal. He knows a victory over one strong in mind makes easier victory over others. The failure of an equal lessens the power of resistance in others. Many have given up because others have fallen. If the devil captures one rich in ability to resist, others equally strong are ready to capitulate on any terms he may ask. Jealousy has done much to populate Hell. It has ruined men ; disgraced women ; wrecked happy homes; murdered the husband and the wife; slain the children, and left ruin in its wake. No home is safe when it enters. It sneaks in when least expected and plants the seeds of suspicion which soon grow a crop 248 Lecture on Jealousy of trouble. A heart with one seed of jealous suspicion in it is never at complete rest. Like the deer of the forest it wakes and starts at the least sound. It sees when half awake, and hears when deaf. Were it not for jealousy many lawyers would be in some other business. Jealousy is the cause of half the divorces and one-fourth of the murders. Daily hundreds of fretful lovers kill coquettish sweethearts and themselves, or one or the other take the "long journey" alone. Many a poor fool blindly jealous has sent his soul hence because his love was not returned; and others have taken their lives because their love was returned. The fair damsel who re- jected the Romeo and his love, perhaps lived till she died a natural death, was buried, and her friends said ''poor thing." The home has no greater enemy than jealousy; it drives out contentment; destroys happiness, and darkens the horizon with threat- ening clouds. It robs the husband of his man- hood ; makes a demon of the wife, and the home a hell. It kills love; murders domestic happi- ness and sets fire to the wreck it has caused. Though it always tears down and never builds up there are thousands ready to entertain it. A wife listens to the evil whisperings ; a hus- band questions not the fiendish purpose, and soon the happiness of the home is in ruins. Husbands and wives who give cause for Lecture on Jealousy 249 jealousy should turn back on the dangerous road they travel ere they are the victims of their own folly. The man who reserves his caresses for women other than his wife, will sooner or later reap the harvest he has sown. The wife who growls at her husband and smiles at other men, invites a reward that will weigh her heart down with bitter sorrow. The man who regards his home as a hotel — a place to get meals and sleep — will learn when too late that jealousy came into his home because he seldom failed to be out. Wives who leave their husbands at home while they are driving or walking with their "cousins" are sure to be asked for explanations they cannot make and soon the worst has happened. There are hun- dreds of wives who have never learned to be true to their husbands. The great wonder is that many can live with their wives and seem- ingly be happy. Yet it is no greater wonder than that many women can live with their hus- bands and never suspicion what beasts they are. In the eyes of all that is moral and decent, hundreds of poor, deluded wives would be jus- tified in taking the lives of the animals they call husbands. If Hell becomes the home of all who should join hands there, there will be thousands of wives in Heaven without male escorts. Jealousy does not alone disturb the quiet of the home. It lifts its venomous head in social 250 Lecture on Jealousy and business life. Some cannot digest their food well if others are seen wearing better clothes; some are jealous of the associates of their friends and cannot feel happy if they cannot monopolize the friendship of those they call their best friends. Some women are uneasy if they see a hat ornamented with more tips and tails than the ones they wear. Not a few are discontented if some of their friends wear a dress of later pattern. Socially there is less jealousy among the men than among the women, but there is yet room for better exhibition of good judgment. Men often become so jealous of each other that they would willingly see one of their number cast into prison or banished. The Athenians voted to ostracize public men who became obnoxious to them. This practice was put in force when two of the ablest men became such enemies of each other that it was thought best for the country that one of them be banished. For this reason when Aristides, called the Just, and Themistocles so bitterly opposed each other, a vote was taken to determine which should remain among his people. When the people were voting a man to whom Aristides was unknown, asked him to write a name on the shell used for voting. When asked by Aristides what name he should write, he re- plied ^'Aristides." "Pray what injury has he done you?" was asked? "Oh, none but I am Lecture on Jealousy 251 tired of hearing him called the Just," said the voter. The spirit shown by this ignorant man has never disappeared. There are always those who tire of hearing others praised. They are jealous of the good name others may have, and would gladly see them suffer some misfortune that they may profit. There are always those who are glad to build on the ruins of the lives of others. In business life there is the same vile spirit. Some are sick at heart if others succeed, no matter if they have done so unaided by friends. They would without a feeling of sympathy see the well-earned fruits of labor vanish that a jealous spirit may be satisfied. As the voter was tired of hearing Aristides called the Just, there are many capable of tiring of hearing it said some one has been successful in business. Usually the one who is jealous of the success of others has been a failure in life's work. The man who has succeeded by his own efforts is glad to know that others are in his class; and if opportunity ofifers, reaches down and takes the hand of the one who is honorably ascending the ladder of success. 252 Lecture on Fitness LECTURE ON FITNESS Every man is fit for something. To be successful he must fit himself to that some- thing. No one is able to change the qualities that are in him, though cultivation may v^ork wonders. There are good and bad qualities in every man, and the one that is most devel- oped becomes most prominent in his life. If the good and bad qualities are equally balanced, and the man associates with the better class of people the better qualities will be developed while the evil tendency of his nature will be- come less evident. If the association is with the class inclined to evil, that quality will be developed and the better qualities will be less evident. The boys who are constantly asso- ciated with boys whose idea of a hero rises no higher than the Jesse James type will not be- come men who lead in the work that makes the world better. The boy whose associations are with those who seek to build up character, will not become a leader of a band of high- waymen. Fitness is the first qualification, and this must be assisted by proper develop- ment. To determine what vocation man is fitted to follow, he should study himself. "Know thy- self" are words that should be his constant Lecture on Fitness 253 aim. "The proper study of mankind is man" ; and self is the man that most needs to be studied. The man who does not study him- self until he knows himself, is a failure. If he does not fully know himself, he does not know what he is capable of doing. So far as placing a proper estimate on his abilities he is but little better prepared than the dog that bays at the mjoon. That hundreds of people have never studied themselves, is evident to those who look about them. They are on every hand that fail be- cause they undertake to do something for which they are not fitted. There is no busi- ness or profession that is not weighted with those who have engaged in some line of work without first learning whether they have any of the qualities necessary to success in it. Because a man is what the world calls ''smart" is not a proof that he can be successful in any business he may choose to enter. He may become a successful lawyer, yet fail as a minis- ter. He might be a good lecturer, though a poor professor in a college. He may win honor as a political speaker, yet fail as a campaign manager. There are many men trying to fill a pulpit that ought to be sawing wood. There are plenty of men starving as lawyers who could eat three meals a day if they were mer- chants. Hundreds of men are dabbling in poli- tics and sleeping with their friends that could 254 Lecture on Fitness have homes of their own if they would go to farming. It is better to be a well-fed farmer than a hungry politician. In their desire to get an ''easy job" many men drag themselves and their families into poverty. Hundreds of wives and children go hungry and half clad because the husbands thought they were smarter than they were. Overestimating ability is one of the most common mistakes. A few make mistakes of underestimating. On the farm are men who ought to be on the platform, if a reasonable time were given to developing the gifts of nature. There are men working for wages who could be great leaders if proper cultivation of abilities were had. Many of the great men have come from the forge and the farm. They were fitted for something higher and when they came to know themselves advancement soon followed. Wealth is not brains. Station is not wisdom. The power of a man's ability cannot be estimated by the amount for which he can write a check. Man may be powerful in wealth and weak in brains. Fortunes are often squandered because the possessors were not fitted to retain them. The wheels in their heads were not properly adjusted, and the riches were soon gone. The money that came easy went fast and left them much poorer; perhaps but little wiser. The man who will spend a fortune foolishly would not keep Lecture on Fitness 255 another if he had it. The man who cannot see a brick wall until he flattens his nose against it will never have better eyesight. If no one engaged in a business he was not fitted for, there would be few failures. If people were always permitted to select a profession for themselves there would be fewer lawyers, doctors, preachers and teachers. Par- ents are too often the cause of their children engaging in professions for which they are no more fitted than an owl is for singing. Parents often want their sons to be lawyers or doctors because of some fancied fitness. They even urge them to enter a profession against their will. Because a boy likes bottles is no evidence he ought to be a doctor. If a boy is a good talker it is no sign he ought to be a lawyer. A lover of bottles may be an evi- dence of fitness for a bar tender; and ability to talk may indicate fitness for an auctioneer. If ability to talk shows fitness for a lawyer, most of the women ought to be attorneys. Children should not follow in the footsteps of their parents unless they are fitted to, as they seldom are. Rarely is a son markedly success- ful in the same work in which his father en- gages. The boy who expects to succeed because he is a son of his father will need others to help him hold on. No greater mistake can be made by a boy than to think he is smart because his father is. No truly great 256 Lecture on Fitness man ever had a son who equalled him in his life-work, though thousands of boys have tried to be, and many of them were fools enough to think they were. Everyone is adapted to some particular work, and his greatest success will be reached in that work. A great lawyer could never have been a great preacher or a great preacher a great lawyer. Nature points the way to success and greatness comes by zealous application of powers in this right work at the right time. If a man has not the ability to be great, favorable circumstances are as the wind to him. A dude was never known to lead an army. The young man who parts his hair in the middle and curls his mustache will never be president. The world loves the level- headed man because he does not try to be womanish and the level-headed woman because she does not try to be manish. They are both fitted for something besides clothing dummies. He who would succeed must know himself better than he knows others. Success is half won if the proper life-work is chosen. Many choose their business at random. They would select a horse with the greatest care but will choose a business without proper consideration. The motto of everyone should be : Choose a business wisely and follow it zealously. Lecture on Husbands 257 LECTURE ON HUSBANDS A husband is an animal without a tail, and, often, not much head. He is usually born a boy and never wishes he had been born some- thing else. He is as amusing as a monkey, as interesting as a bear and frequently thinks he is as weighty as an elephant. He lives, breathes, eats and drinks. While he usually eats three times a day, he has never been known to drink unless he had an opportunity. He will quit eating when the room is all taken, but will often drink until his ears are needed as overflows. In this he shows less sense than the hog which always quits drinking before the "slop" runs out of its ears. A hog will never drink so much that it can't find the way to its bed ; but some husbands drink until they don't know the way home, or the home when they see it. Husbands often drink until the sense they had left goes to their feet, and the weight of their feet is not noticeably in- creased. Some men will have their sense in their feet for a week at a time and expect their wives to look patient through it all. If their wives would follow their example ten minutes they would swear until they were out of wind and expect them to apologize every half hour for a month. Many men send their wives to 17 258 Lecture on Husbands the grave because their brains are in their shoes too often and too long. The man who walks on his brains, often waits for the bed to pass his way before retiring. If all husbands would always keep their brains in their heads there would be more happy homes. Some hus- bands are without their wits so often that their wives would rather see a sober man than go to a circus. God intended that husbands should be men, but many of them are devils of the very worst kind. They are good to all women except the ones they should be best to. They never smile or speak pleasantly at home, but when there are other women they wear a smile that looks like a full moon in June. They are cruel and despotic at home, and real angels at other times. They take pleasure in making their wives feel miserable, and enjoy their tears. Such brutes should be sent to prison until they become men. The man who lessens his wife's years by cruelty, will find a home where the fires are always burning. Many husbands are at home when they can't be anywhere else. They always find an excuse to be up town or some other place. They often have "business to see to" when that business is with Satan or one of his assis- tants. It is often unfaithfulness to their vows at the marriage altar that takes them from home. They profess to be true to their wives Lecture on Husbands 259 when the Devil is holding a torch to light their way to his kingdom. The man who deceives a pure and patient wife to be in the company of women of bad character will commit murder, if necessary to cover up his hellishness. The man Avho prefers the company of prostitutes or legalized strumpets to that of his wife is never a good citizen. He cannot be trusted. The man who will basely deceive his wife, will deceive his best friends ; and the man who will deceive his best friends will steal if not well watched. Such men always get their re- ward. The man who hunts fire seldom fails to find it, and he is often surprised at the height of the flames. The more a man disgraces his home the hotter the fire will need to be to do him justice after death. Some husbands are very good to their wives at times. Like spring weather, they are pleas- ant one day and storm}'- the next. They make their wives tired with kindness or miserable with unkindness. They are always in the extreme. Sometimes they are good because they mean it, and sometimes because they don't mean it. Often they try to be so good that they can stay out all night without having fault found. They think the wife who is patted under the chin now and then should not object to her husband being away from home of nights. They are hypocrites by day that they may be devils at night. Satan's best assistants 260 Lecture on Wives are men who deceive their wives. The man who is a hypocrite in his home always gets a choice job in Hell, but he is well watched. Even the Devil will not trust a man who will deceive his wife or a woman who will deceive her husband. He knows them too well to take chances on losing his reputation as a good judge of humanity. LECTURE ON WIVES A wife is a partner in a domestic combi- nation that begins at any time and ends with divorce or death. The wife is called the weaker half of the combination, but she is often the stronger part. Some wives are the whole com- bination and most of the annex. They often make the other part feel like a zero at the left of the one. When a wife decides she is the whole combination the other part has a strong desire to jump in a well or flee to the mountains and play Rip Van Winkle. A wife with a will to be boss of the household seldom fails to ex- ercise that will to the fullest extent. Some women would rather boss a man than be a leader in society. They get so much enjoy- ment from seeing the thing they call a husband stand in the corner and tremble that it makes them sad to think death is certain. The man Lecture on Wives 261 who has a "bossy" wife always feels like he is going to be struck by lightning and often wishes he would; to him thunder sounds like the coo of a dove, and the thought of death brings a ray of hope. Most wives are women — some are school girls. While there are thousands of young women old enough and willing enough to be- come wives, girls are quitting school to become wives. Cupid drags children from the trundle bed when grown people are ready to do his bidding. If school girl wives were not so num- erous there would be less evidence that mar- riage is a failure. Men who would not hitch a colt to a loaded wagon will allow their young daughters to be hitched to a domestic load, and tug their lives out trying to pull it along life's uneven highway. If parents were always as careful of their daughters as they are of their horses and cattle, fewer of them would go early to the grave. It was never intended school girls should become wives while there are thousands of old maids anxious to make men happy. A wife can make her husband feel bigger than a king or less than a peasant. She has it in her power to make him an angel or a devil. Some men need little assistance from their wives to make them devils. They are so full of Satan and his ways that they boil over on the least provocation, and never stop boiling 262 Lecture on Wives until they are exhausted or knocked down. Too often the latter don't happen. An angel wife may make a sickly saint out of such a husband but she will come out of the work gray haired and with little faith in the good- ness of men. Some women marry bad men believing they can make them better ; but the woman who marries a man to reform him always wishes she had let some other woman have the job. The Devil always expects to get the man who puts off reforming until he gets a wife, and he is seldom disappointed. While some women reform their husbands, others deform them. Some wives make devils of saints, and then, like Nero, laugh at the ruin they have wrought. They make each day a purgatory to them, and are deaf to their pleadings for one day of rest. Some wives taunt their husbands into the grave, and then scald the grass above their place of rest with tears of hypocrisy. The wife who drives her husband to the grave usually sheds most tears over his remains, and remains a widow but a short time. The depths of a woman's sorrow cannot always be measured by the tears she sheds at her husband's funeral; often the big- gest hypocrite cries the hardest. The most dangerous wives to the home are those who are happiest when men, not their husbands, smile on them. They are among Satan's most trusted assistants. They do for Lecture on Wives 263 him what others cannot do — wreck their own homes, and often send their families sorrowing to the grave. They pride themselves on being smart enough to deceive their husbands. While their husbands are hard at work to provide for their families they are entertaining other men. If husbands return at unexpected hours, the "guest" disappears through a rear door or win- dow while the legalized harlot welcomes the tired husband with a polluted kiss and assures him she has been "so lonesome" waiting for him. For such a woman. Hell will never have a fire hot enough to do her justice. If women must become prostitutes, they should not black- en the sacredness of marriage. The woman who disgraces her home by intrigue with other men should sufifer the torments of the damned. Why a woman with a kind husband, bright chil- dren and a happy home will listen to the whis- perings of a devil in human form is one of the unexplained and unexplainable things. If wom- en would shoot the heads off a few of these ad- vance agents for Satan, it would be better for the world. Men who break up homes because they can, will never get what they deserve until Satan's imps dance about them while they burn. 264 Lecture on Curtain Lectures LECTURE ON CURTAIN LECTURES "Curtain lectures" have an endless line of victims; and no class of victims are deserving of more pity. They are the saddest looking, the most woebegone mortals that are to be found. They always look like some of their friends were dead or dangerously sick. To them life's sweetest pleasure is that it ends in death. They always tremble when they hear a dog bark or a hen cackle. The man who is a victim of curtain lectures would willingly die if he could. If anything would cause him to long to "climb the Golden Stair," it is the knowing he must be the object of a private lecture three or four times a day and a few ex- tras thrown in on Sunday. He is like a hunted wolf — never at rest. He wears an always-ex- pecting-something look, and is seldom disap- pointed in what he expects. His life is a long, dreary, drudge with no hope on earth. Many women wonder why their husbands stray away from home to loiter about the sa- loon or worse places. It does not occur to them they have been driven from home by a series of curtain lectures that have been daily killing their love of home and home surround- ings. They have had lectures for breakfast, dinner and supper so long that they are foun- Lecture on Curtain Lectures 265 dered on them and want rest, before it is too late. When a tired man seeks his home and, instead of being greeted by a smile and a kiss, is greeted by a scowl and a growl, he loses all ambition, all hope, all love of home and wishes he could drop out of sight forever. A scolding, growling wife can drive a man to ruin in less time than angels can rescue him from Satan. She is the weight that drags him down and down until he sinks beneath the billowy waves of domestic turbulence. Curtain lectures are confined to no class. They are given in the palace of the king and in the hovel of the peasant. Philosophers, states- men, poets, thinkers, have all stood in awe of the stream of curtain oratory that has so often fallen upon, around and about them. Great power, wealth or fame do not drive away the withering curse of tiresome, life-wearing lec- tures delivered in the home. They unfit a man for business or pleasure. When men cannot stay at home in peace, they will stay somewhere else. To be sure, some men would not stay at home long at a time if their companions were angels. They could not be driven from home by lectures ; for they are not at home long enough to hear them. They are so little account at home that they are never missed. They are attracted from home easier than they are attracted to it. Some of them will go home long enough to get the mon- 266 Lecture on Curtain Lectures ey their wives have earned washing, and has- ten back to the saloon or gambHng house to spend it. Such men ought never be allowed to hear anything as pleasant as a curtain lecture. Such an honor should never be theirs. Wives who waste time lecturing to such wind-galls on humanity ought to be sent to a feeble-minded institute. Wives should keep in mind that a husband driven from home usually, like an outcast dog, will kill sheep. He gets lonesome without the visual noise and excitement and wanders away from the path he had traveled, being driven into the bushes along the way by a woman with plenty of tongue and little brains, he finds evil to do. Many women make their home a hell when they could make it a heaven. Continued curtain lectures will make a devil of a saint. It is easy to judge whether a man is "lectured to death" by the way he enters his home. If he opens the door something like a thief would, and sneaks in as if he did not want his pres- ence discovered, it is sure evidence he has heard more lectures than he ever paid to hear. The subjects on which curtain lectures are delivered are too many to enumerate ; many of them too little to think about. Some women never look pleased or speak pleasantly. If they can't find anything else to growl about they growl about nothing. They would growl and scold about nothing, when they could get paid Lecture on Curtain Lectures 267 for being pleasant. If they are ever happy it is when they growl. Their supply of growl is never exhausted ; neither are they. They never get tired ; never run down ; never stop to think ; and many of them couldn't think if they stopped a week. It is the women that don't think that are eternally growling. To a man that is tied to a growling woman, hogs squealing sounds like a band of angels singing. Every growling woman should read the sad story of Rip Van Winkle. He heard curtain lectures until his poor troubled soul longed for peace and rest. Taking his gun and dog he wandered to the mountains where he fell asleep and slept twenty years. He was not the first or last man driven from home by a wife who had more jaw than brains. But he is the only one reported to have gone to sleep in the woods after being driven from home. Most of them stay wide awake and see how much they can fit themselves for Satan and his kingdom. Some of them end it all by suicide ; some of them go to war, and some of them go straight to the devil. When a man can't stay at home in peace he don't care where he goes. Socrates, the Athenian philosopher, lived with a woman who made him long to go to the better land. Xantippe made him wonder so often why he was born that he wished he hadn't been. A scolding wife is as much of a happiness destroyer in a palace as in a hovel. The home 268 Lecture on Novel Reading where she lives can never be a true home. She drives out hope, happiness and love, and then the husband goes in search of them. A sweet home can never be, Where happiness does not dwell; Without love there is no hope; And a heaven becomes a hell. LECTURE ON NOVEL READING Reading novels is as foolish as it is danger- ous. The mind of the one who is a slave to novel reading contracts instead of expanding. Reading novels has sent thousands to the peni- tentiary, the gallows, the insane asylum or dwarfed their brains until they were incapable of thinking an uplifting thought. Opium eat- ing and novel reading are twin brothers. Novels are said to be "yellow-backed" or "high-class." One is no better than the other. The only difference is as to the class of people that read them. Those who enjoy reading the former would not enjoy the latter; neither would the readers of high-class novels enjoy reading the yellow-backed ones. A mind poi- soned with either is almost worthless for any other purpose. The great men are not novel readers. The women who have been most suc- cessful have not been novel readers. The boy or girl who stands at the head of the class is not Lecture on Novel Reading 269 a novel reader. The teacher worth most In the school-room is not a novel reader. The child mind stunted by reading novels may outgrow the misfortune, but it will be years in doing it. A mind fed on novels is like a body fed on soup — becomes emaciated and wabbles when the wind blows. Novels are often read by children because there is no other reading in sight. They would read a good book if they had it. The novel, a last year's almanac or a patent medicine circu- lar are all they have to choose from. But few parents realize the value of good books for chil- dren, therefore allow the young minds to feast on trash. They are particular to feed the bodies of the children on pure wholesome food, but provide nothing but rotten food for the minds. Men who will pay fancy prices for a cow, a horse or other animals will grunt worse than a dissatisfied hog if children want a history of the United States or the biography of one whose life is closely connected with the devel- opment of his country. There are few bigger hogs than those who will not provide their chil- dren with books that educate and uplift. Often the money that should buy books goes for whis- key or is lost in gambling. Think of a human being staggering into a home where there are bright, intelligent children with nothing to read but novels and almanacs. Such a brute does not deserve a home. He ought to be banished. 270 Lecture on Novel Rcoxllnz Parents who would have three spasms an hour if their boys looked upon the wine when it is red, not only allow but encourage them in reading "blood and thunder" novels. They even burn the midnight oil reading these mind- dwarfing lies, without once realizing they are making as poor a display of good, horse sense as the man who drinks himself into the gutter. They take more pride in reading of the exploits of *'Crackerjack Bill" than of the heroic deeds of George Washington. The "Life of Lincoln" is dull reading for them compared with the "Life of Gander Creek Jim." Homes without good books are like men without good deeds. Children who grow up in an atmosphere of story papers and yellow- backed novels, are not the ones that are most useful to their country. They seldom get to the front until they ride to the cemetery in a "glass carriage." A boy that grows to manhood deprived of the broadening and uplifting influ- ence of good books, is but little less unfor- tunate than the one who becomes a slave to the mind-destroying cigarette. Girls who read novels usually chew gum, because neither re- quires thought. Boys who read novels usually carry unlawful weapons and, if not lacking in courage, become dangerous. No worse curse rests upon the people than the infernal influ- ence of the accursed dime novel. It makes cut- throats and desperadoes of those who would Lecture on Novel Reading 271 otherwise be useful and honorable citizens. People rave about the degrading influence of the saloon, yet are silent about the dime novel, one of the greatest feeders of the saloons and prisons. The dime novel breeds a desire for a "wild life," and such a life as naturally breeds a desire for strong drink. Parents who would save their boys intellec- tually and morally should surround them with good books ; teach them their value, and induce them to spend their evenings reading instead of roaming the streets, or in some place of ques- tionable reputation listening to the debasing stories told by those who are old enough to have more sense. The boy or girl who becomes attached to good books becomes attached to home, and will honor parents more than the one whose mind is poisoned and dwarfed by reading novels. Novels would not be published if there were not a demand for them. There would not be a demand for them if parents would early teach their children the value of good books. The ruin of thousands of boys and girls can be traced to the reading of novels. It is high time parents think less of fine horses, fine clothes, society and more about the proper development of the minds of their children. Thousands of children have minds starved for good reading while they wear costly clothes. One of the most disgusting scenes is a girl dressed in silk 272 Lecture on Widozvs reading a ten cent novel, because the parents ''can't afford to buy costly books." A thousand times better would it be to wear calico and read books that will not weaken the mind and en- danger the soul. A mind fed on trash cannot become strong and active, any more than a body fed on soup can develop strength and endurance. LECTURE ON WIDOWS A widow is a woman that has been married and wants to be again. There are only two kinds of widows. They are widows and ''grass widows." The former have been deprived of their husbands by death, divorce or perpetual "mysterious disappearance." Sometimes wom- en are made happy by being made widows. Many women see more happiness in a week as widows than they did in two years as wives, yet they are anxious to try their luck again, and will accept the proposition of the first man who has nerve enough to want an answer. There may be a few widows who do not want to marry, but they usually are too old to take in washing. Most women whose husbands have been removed by death, respect their memories enough to remain widows until the Lecture on Widows 273 grass grows over their graves ; but some begin to smile at other men before the floral tributes are wilted. Some women will shed more tears for a dead poodle dog than for a deceased hus- band. Some men are better as dead husbands than live ones, but that gives their widows no right to make idiots of themselves. Because death makes a woman happy is no reason she should celebrate the event before the sound of the rattle of the clods on her husband's casket has died away. When a widow is made by divorce, she is an entirely different proposition. Her companion is dead to her, but there are no tears ; no funeral sermon ; no clod rattling, and she is at liberty to cleave unto another man as soon as the de- cree is signed, and this she often does. Women have been known to marry in fifteen minutes after they were free and then kick themselves until the law came to their rescue again. A widow made so by the statute is seldom satis- fied until she has another lottery ticket and uses it. Some widows are so anxious to marry that they take the first animal that comes along with pants on for fear they will have to live single a whole month. Often a woman who has shed tears at the grave of a good husband will wed the laziest and most worthless old 2x4 in the neighborhood. She accepts the first thing the Devil sends along and then blames God for imposing upon her. Widows who marry in a 18 274 Lecture on Widoivs hurry sometimes marry foF love, sometimes to spite their ex-husbands and sometimes to show the young women how slow they are in corral- ling a man. If a woman with a divorce can't get married it is useless for other women to try. "Grass widows" are women who have hus- bands they don't live with, yet often can't get rid of them in a legal way. They are not al- ways as green as the name given them implies. They are too ripe to take in washing to sup- port a worthless man and often too smart to al- low him to be free to deceive another woman. Grass widows often have husbands that the Devil wouldn't have in his employ. If he gave them work he would have to put too good imps to watching each one. When a man is so worthless that his wife has to leave him to con- vince her friends she has good sense, he ought to be branded in the forehead with a zero that other women may not become his victims. Some men have wives to keep house for them, and have other women to spend their time and money with. They are Mormons in practice and devils in fact. They are blights on homes and stinkers in society. They pride themselves on their ability as "mashers" more than they do their desire to honor their family and make home happy. They would rather win the false love of other women than keep sacred the love of their wives. A man who does not prize the Lecture on Widows 275 true love of a good wife enough to respect her at all times, is not fit for good society. The hottest corners of Hell are crowded with men whose wives had to desert them to be regarded respectable. Husbands are not always the cause of wom- en becoming grass widows. Often the blame falls on the widows themselves. In some way the husbands are made to flee for rest of mind and peace of soul. The reason may be growl- ing, cause for jealousy, "pure cussedness" or something as bad. Women often have hus- bands for the same reason that some people are in the churches — for protection and respecta- bility and not a few men are in the same class. Many women lead lives as wives that would condemn them as spinsters. Some married women, like some married men, are often ad- mitted into good society on account of their families. The reputations of thousands of women are bolstered up by the characters of their husbands. Many wives who continually wear frowns at home, will smile at every man they meet on the street. They may have good husbands, but think they are too blind to know they are false to them. If Satan had all the women who belong to him, there would be thousands more widowers. Some women enjoy being grass widows, be- cause they have husbands and don't have hus- bands. They are theirs, but are not in the way. 276 Lecture on Resolutions They can have company without the danger of objection. They have the convenience of a hus- band without the inconvenience. LECTURE ON RESOLUTIONS The New Year comes laden with resolutions and good cheer. When the Old Year is dying everybody that amounts to anything makes resolves. Some ''swear off" on getting drunk; some swear off on using tobacco; others re- solve to quit making love to other men's wives, and not a few resolve to make love to their own wives. If all resolutions made at the first of the year were lived up to the world would be better than it ever was. People often make resolu- tions to try to deceive their friends and their God. Others make resolutions in good faith, but are too weak in will to put them in force. Some are led from their good resolves by oth- ers. There are those who never make a good resolution but always help to break those made by others. They would rather assist to break down character than build it up. The Devil's agents are always active. They never miss an opportunity to assist in locating people in that country where the sleet don't break the limbs off the trees. They always find someone to listen to them. Some believe all the lies told them by Lecture on Resolutions 277 Satan's representatives. They seem to want to go where they can go barefooted and wear seersucker coats in winter. Some people would rather live on ten acres in Hell than on forty acres in Heaven. Resolutions to do good are jewels in the lives of those who make them. Resolutions to do evil are the weights that drag men down to ruin. The man who makes a good resolution and lives up to it is a moral hero. The man who makes a bad resolution whether he lives up to it or not, is an enemy to good society. Good resolutions have made men famous. They se- lected a spot well up upon the hillside of fame, and resolved to reach it. Perhaps it took them years to do so, but they worked zealously and never tired until the resolution had become a reality. The man who would be somebody must resolve to do something and do it. Sit- ting down and waiting for good fortune to bring success is not a part of the life of one who would be a man. Action is the difference between somebody and nobody. Even the dude who is three degrees below nothing, resolves. He does not sit down and wait for glasses and cane to come to him : he goes after them. It is only the drunk man who can afford to sit down and wait for the bed to come to him. Wash- ington became famous because he resolved to do something. He resolved to free his country and it was free. Dewey resolved 278 Lecture on Resolutions to sink the Spanish fleet, and sank it. True, resolutions are not always realized, but it is better to have resolved and failed than to have never resolved. No one can afford to be as a knot on a log — there to stay until moved. As the New Year comes on everyone should resolve to do something that will better him- self or others. Husbands and wives who have been trying to see how infernally mean they can be to each other, should resolve to quit be- ing fools or throw off the double harness. There are no bigger fools than a quarreling couple. The man who has been getting drunk should resolve to spend his money for good books in- stead of whiskey. It is better to have a well- filled head than to have the life-giving organs floating in corn juice. The woman who has been spending all her husband earns for dress, ought to resolve to help him lay by a few dollars for an emergency. The woman who cares more for dress than she does for her husband, ought to be a dummy in a dry goods store instead of one at home. The man who has been trying to cheat his friends should resolve to be honest a year and his food will digest better. Dishonest men are the Devil's hope. He has a warm spot in his heart and home for them. Satan's Imps always meet dishonest men at the depot with a brass band, and escort them along the main street playing, ''There is no place like home." Lecture on Resolutions 279 Those who have stolen should resolve to steal no more. Next to a dishonest man, Satan loves a thief. He lets him sit on his left hand and spit on the floor w^ithout being reprimand- ed or fined. The man who steals is sure to get a good position in Hell. Children who have not been good to their parents should resolve to show due respect and filial love to those who gave them life. The boy who is good to his parents can be depend- ed upon. His heart is in the right place and his brain is well balanced. The children who are good to their parents will get first choice of wings in Heaven. Girls that have been on the streets and at dark corners at unseemly hours might become respectable and be an honor to their parents if they would resolve to stay at home of nights, read good books and help their mothers instead of traveling the road to ruin. The girl who loans her soul to the Devil will find it is black- ened when it is returned. Boys who have been giving their lives to idleness and sin should resolve to try to fit themselves to be men. The boy who has no aim higher than to read novels, squirt tobacco juice through his teeth and tell indecent stories, had better not been born. Only boys who try to be somebody get away from the scent of the sewer. An offensive odor taken on in youth can be removed only by disinfection of character. 280 Lecture on Blindness LECTURE ON BLINDNESS There are two classes of blind people — those who can't see and those who can but don't see. Fortunately there are not many in the first class and unfortunately there are many in the second class. People who have lost their eye- sight often see better than some who have never suffered such a sad misfortune. A blind man can often "see a point" quicker than one who is not blind. An eye-sight that is not backed by a good brain is always dull and slow. It is better to be blind and have a good brain than not to be blind and have no brain. It is not always the one who sees the most that is worth most to the world. One Milton was worth more to humanity than a thousand writers of yellow-backed novels. A blind musician can do more to cheer the heart than a regiment of professional loafers. Some see too much and some see too little. While some see faults where there are none, others overlook them where they exist. Though many have beams in their own eyes they can always see the mote in their neighbor's eye. It is natural for people to see where others are wrong and believe themselves right. It is not to be wondered that some go blind — they never give their eyes a rest because they are always Lecture on Blindness 281 looking for the faults of others. The man who is ever looking for what is wrong in the lives of his friends, dare not leave the window shades to his existence up. Those who see most of the faults of others have most faults at home. People who have business of their own, do not have time to attend to the business of others. Some cannot attend to their own business because they have no time left after looking after the business of their neighbors. They are blind to their own interest. One of the most dangerous characters in society is the one who sees the faults and overlooks the good in others. Some are blind in business : they never see what is best to do until the worst has happened. They could be but little slower of sight if they were blind or blindfolded. They do the wrong thing at the wrong time or the right thing at the wrong time. They try to make money easy and it goes hard with them. They bite at the games of others and get bit. Often a hun- dred "suckers" will be trying to swallow the same bait. They all lose it except one, and he wishes he had died when young. He got his eyes open too late. The real suckers are those who never suspicion a design until they have swallowed the bait. Lack of proper foresight has made financial and moral wrecks of thousands. By one blind act they lost all their wealth or their good name. 282 Lecture on Blindness The blind often lead the blind. Those who pose as leaders, do not see the obstructions along life's pathway until it is too late. They do not only fall in the ditch themselves but lead others into it. A blind leader is a dangerous friend. Some select friends blindly. They would be careful in the selection of a horse, but any- body will do for a friend. Some young ladies are more blind in selecting gentlemen friends than they would be in selecting comic valentines. They seem to be so anxious for a "feller" that they would not object to a *'scare-crow" if it had trousers on. Yet every girl thinks she is an expert in selecting gentlemen friends. She thinks she knows so much about this that it makes her sick when she finds out she knew nothing worth knowing. When a girl wants a man friend so bad that any old dude will do, it is time to have the wheels in her head looked after. Love is said to be blind, but true love is never sightless. It is the fool who thinks he loves a pretty face, golden hair or a graceful form that makes it seem love is blind. No one can love a winsome face or a "lovely head of hair." Admiration or sympathy is not love. The woman who thinks she loves a dude mistakes love for sympathy. It is very common for young ladies to see nothing but the clothes that young men wear. They are blind as to Lecture on Blindness 283 whether they are industrious, honest and noble-hearted. If he wears fine clothes and is full of talk, no matter how silly the talk is, he finds favor in their eyes. Many noble young men have been rejected suitors because they did not wear fine clothes or were bashful. A bashful young man is a load unto himself. Clothes do not make the man but many women think they do. If a woman is so blind she can- not see the kind of a heart that is under a fine coat, she is an object of pity. Men are as blind as women in matters that are supposed to touch the heart. A silk dress is often seen when a kind disposition is overlooked. Many a poor fool has taken a "clothes dummy" for a wife when he could have had a woman. The more "blind" people there are the greater the need of pity and sympathy. There are thou- sands who don't see a hole in their pathway until they fall into it; yet they do not profit. They dig the dirt out of their eyes and tumble into the next hole. 284 Lecture on Poverty LECTURE ON POVERTY Poverty is the beginning of success, as surely as necessity is the mother of invention. It is the foundation upon which has been builded many of the greatest fortunes and the grandest characters the world has known. Without it hundreds of men of wealth would have died in the poor house ; without it thousands of men who have ascended high on the ladder of fame would have died unknown. Most of the really great men were born in poverty, schooled in adversity and graduated from the University of Determination. Poverty may be inherited or acquired. The poorest men often become the most wealthy because they are spurred on by poverty and the most wealthy often become the poorest because they are burdened with luxury. Thou- sands who were born in palaces die in the poor house, and thousands born in huts die in pal- aces. The exchange shows what poverty can do and what wealth does do. Riches without effort is often the greatest misfortune that comes to mankind. It encourages idleness and extravagance which leads to moral and finan- cial ruin. Inherited wealth kills the necessity for effort, murders ambition and leaves its possessor, like a rudderless ship, to be blown Lecture on Poverty 285 here and there by the winds that drive along only the aimless and unconcerned. A fortune at birth is often a misfortune till death. The child that begins life with millions too often ends life undeveloped physically and mentally. That which hinders effort lessens development, causing the mind and body to drivel. Poverty may be the result of misfortune, mismanagement, laziness, useless expenditures, or a desire to trot in the 400 class when the means are only sufficient for the common class. Pity for the unfortunate is due from all classes ; sympathy for those who mismanage is never lacking; but those who are poor because of laziness, useless expenditures or for other foolish acts do not deserve pity or sympathy. The man who prefers poverty to industry, is always hanging around the foot of the ladder of life. He never climbs because climbing means exertion ; he moves slowly and does not sweat enough to be healthy. Many men have the ability to become wealthy if they would develop it and put it to work. Their ability is like an uncultivated rich soil — is as nature left it. Useless expenditures brings poverty to the homes of millions. The wolf hangs about their doors because it is well fed on what is foolishly thrown away. Such homes are found in every community. Their occupants are always buy- ing things they do not need. No matter what 286 Lecture on Poverty the income, the outgo exceeds it, and there is scarcity of what is needed. Many homes that are heavily mortgaged contain a piano; costly paintings are on the walls, brussels carpet on the floor, and everything is the best except the income. The occupants of such homes get all things before the home is paid for, if it ever is. Misjudging their class often sends thousands to the poorhouse. They overestimate their ability to shine and are lost sight of in the whirl, called society. Many wives wear silk on a calico salary, and the husbands often wear broadcloth on a "worsted" income. She wears diamonds and socks with holes in them; he smokes ten-cent cigars, carries a gold-headed cane, and goes to bed hungry. They would rather put on style than be well fed. Many people sit in the front row at social affairs and go to bed hungry. They attend all functions, give entertainments and soar like birds until their flight is checked by creditors. The less some have the higher they soar. The value of a bird cannot be estimated by its flight. Fine clothes and social standing are not evidence of a good bank account. Satan often wears a pious look. Lecture on Extravagance 287 LECTURE ON EXTRAVAGANCE Extravagance is a full brother of waste, and both often lead to ruin. The down-hill road is strewn with wrecks that began with extrava- gance, which is one of mankind's greatest faults. It means lack of good judgment in expending. Its tempting glitter leads those foolish enough to follow until they stumble and fall over the rocks along the way. The extravagant never realize the danger of their course until it is too late to avoid the trouble that is sure to meet them. Extravagance may be in many guises. It is seen at almost every turn along life's highway, and always has many friends from the lowest to the highest. It is not confined to the rich or the poor, the wise or the unwise. The poor are often the most extravagant; the wise are often the most unwise in what they expend. Those who have little often expend much and most of it unwisely. The man who can least afford it often wears the biggest diamond, and the woman who most needs necessities will spend most for luxuries. The man who works hardest will spend his earnings easiest. He often buys what he does not need and needs what he does not buy. He will buy whiskey when his family needs bread. He will buy 288 Lecture on Extravao-ance tobacco when the sugar bowl is empty. Chil- dren are often hungry while the father makes a whiskey jug of his stomach; they often wear ragged clothes while he makes a tobacco box of his mouth. Many spend enough unwisely to keep their families comfortable. Many women take in washing to get bread for their children while the thing they call a husband loafs. The Devil has a place prepared for men who allow their wives to wash their lives out while they do the loafing. Many women will wear silk when their children have to remain away from Sunday school on account of having poor clothes. Chil- dren often remain at home that their mothers may become style "dummies." Women who prefer show to sense are a load to their families. A wife who insists on wearing silk and dia- monds when the home is mortgaged or there is no home to mortgage, is a fool with no chance for apology. Extravagance in dress in a vain effort to shine with neighbors to whom money is not an object has sent many to ruin and not a few to Satan's dominion. Folly in dress often leads to the bankrupt's home or a term at the poor house. Women are not alone in such exhibition of folly. Men, who owe the butcher, the baker and the tailor, are often seen with a new suit every time the moon fulls. They wear broad- cloth and go hungry. The man who wears a Lechire on Extravagance 289 tailor-made suit and socks with holes in them will rob his stomach to buy diamonds. Extravagance has ruined almost as many homes as strong drink, yet it is seldom discour- aged or condemned. It is taught in many homes where lessons in saving are greatly in need. If all children were taught to buy what they need instead of what they want, there would be fewer men and women who are in- capable of the financial management of a home. Parents should early teach their children that what is not needed is too dear at any price. A child that is made to know the worth of a dime will not have to be told the value of a dollar. The financial lessons that are learned in youth are put into practice in manhood. The parents who lead a child along the way of extravagance can know where to look for it when grown. The most useful citizens are those who know how to get one hundred cents in value for one dollar. Fewer have learned to spend money wisely than have learned to pray. 19 290 Lecture on Idleness LECTURE ON IDLENESS Idleness is inaction ; inaction means rust and rust means death. Machinery not in use soon rusts and becomes unfit for use. Idle people become sluggish and incapable of putting their powers in action to the fullest capacity. The more idleness the more rust, and soon the phy- sical and mental machinery is fit only for the "scrap pile." With some, idleness is the half brother and with many the full brother of lazi- ness. The former do things that are half as bad as idleness and the latter do nothing. Others do things that are worse than idleness or laziness. The statement that it is better to do wrong than do nothing is a lie, and the one who first said it was perhaps a thief or some other kind of an enemy to the public welfare. The wrong doer is the Devil's first assistant and the one who is lazy or continually idle is in danger of becom- ing a wrong doer. "There is always some mis- chief for idle hands to do," therefore it is im- portant that there be no idlers; but there will always be enough of them for Satan to get recruits from their ranks as fast as he needs them. Sometimes people honestly want work and are sorry they can't find it, while others dis- honestly seek work and are glad they can't Lecture on Idleness 291 find it. A lazy man with an industrious wife who sews or takes in washing will go hunting and walk himself tired trying not to find it. The same wives may have daughters who would rather be idle than possess the healthy look that work would bring to their cheeks. Many young ladies who wear a corpse look could exchange it for a glow of health by help- ing their mothers with the work that is wearing their lives away. The girl who can fool her time away while her mother plays a tune on the washboard, is as near nothing to the world as a hole without the circle. If anyone is unfortunate enough to become her husband he will always wish he had committed suicide before he met her or had never been born. A girl who would rather be idle than have her mother live longer is too much of a nonentity to be listed by the census taker. The world has thousands of boys who are daily piling up trouble for future use by loung- ing about when they could be leading useful lives. They drift down the stream of life without any thought of where they will land. They have no aim except it be to avoid becom- ing friendly with work. Continued idleness soon leads them to think they were born to feast on angel food, the fruits that come from the labor of others and listen to the birds sing. To themselves they are angels in embryo; to others they are devils in disguise. If a boy who 292 Lecture on Idleness prefers idleness to industry does not become a devil, someone must strike him on the head with a club hard enough to turn his course. When a boy gets well started toward perdition a club is about the only thing that will open his eyes wide enough to make him see the dan- ger places ahead of him. The sad thought is that parents often en- courage their children in idleness. The mother will wash, sew, iron, or bake while her daughter sits around and tries to look pretty, entertains dudes seven nights and part of the days in a week or promenades the streets when she ought to be at home making herself useful. Many mothers who had mothers with sense enough to teach their daughters how to work and wis- dom enough to make them put in practice what they had learned, will allow their daughters to grow into womanhood with little more knowl- edge of household work than a child. These same mothers after raising daughters in idle- ness, will expect to marry them off to men of industry, as they usually do. This is why so many men get wives given to them that they would have given large sums to induce others to take them as gifts. A woman reared in idleness is almost as helpless as a doll in charge of a home. Boys are also often reared in idleness because their parents believe it is not necessary for them to work or that they are smart enough to Lecture on Flattery 293 get along without work. They are allowed to loiter their days away when the world hun- gers for men of action. The indolent boy too often is a lazy, worthless man. The man who amounts to something was not a zero as a boy. Hundreds of boys have gone to ruin because they have not been taught the value of in- dustry. They have learned to live without labor and believed the world owed them a living without work, even if they had to steal or do worse to secure it. LECTURE ON FLATTERY Flattery is "soft soap" made of double- strength lie. People willing to be praised are the ashes over and through which flattery trickles. Few are not susceptible to flattery and many enjoy it as much as ducks do a warm rain. Like ducks, the harder the shower the more they enjoy it. People will listen to flattery an hour and feel rested when fifteen minutes talk about business would make them feel weary. There are few who would not rather be flattered than well fed. Some can drink in praise until they feel as important as a ward politician who has been given a position for his "valuable services to his party." Flattery is used in all the corners of life, 294 Lecture on Flattery but in no corner more nor with more fatal results than in courtship. It is Cupid's highest card and it is played with commendable suc- cess. Often when other things fail Cupid wins with a good dose of flattery. The nearest way to a woman's heart is through flattery; and it makes a man feel like he had been appointed postmaster. Flattery will score in courtship when truth and honesty will not get to first base. It is natural for God's fools to enjoy being praised whether it is merited or not and when Cupid is hanging around they believe it all merited. Courtship without flattery is like bread without yeast — too weak to rise. People who are truthful at all other times will lie like a horse trader when they get mixed up in a courtship. If fewer were not prize liars before marriage there would be fewer homes with brimstone in them after marriage. If Cupid's victims could know each other before marriage as they come to know each other after mar- riage, there would be thousands of wives living with other men. Those about to marry should not sing, "Shall we know each other there?" but ask "Do we know each other here?" This cannot be if they are not honest to each other and with themselves. Cupid does not confine flattery to words. He uses smiles, paint and acts. He smiles flattery, uses paint to flatter and flatters for pastime when he has time to spare. He causes women Lecture on Flattery 295 to smear paint on their faces that they may appear more beautiful than they are; they flatter with deceit, foolishly believing that the more powder they use on their faces the sooner they will "go off" in the matrimonial market. A woman who paints her face deserves pity. Sometimes the powder wins, and when the vic- tim sees his life partner as nature made her he is reminded of a frozen leaf after the frost is melted off. The woman who paints or powders to win a husband tells a silent lie that will be in her new home when she arrives. If a woman can^t get a husband with the face nature gave her, unpowdered and unpainted, she does not deserve one. If her natural face is not good enough to court with, it is not good enough to live with. It is better to lie with words than with paint or powder; a word lie will not rub off. People often flatter themselves by acting better than they are. They will be as good as a saint one day and as bad as a devil the next day. They will be good when they have a chance to profit by it. Some will sing "Praise God from whom all blessings flow" while they have their hand in another^s pocket; others will give a dollar to the Lord that they may beat one of His followers out of five times that amount. The depth of a man's honesty cannot be measured by the noise he makes singing in church. Satan often has a string to the man 296 Lecture on Extremes who sings loudest, "Take Me as I Am, Dear Lord." If the Lord would attempt to take him the string would be pulled and a chorus would be heard singing in Satan's Kingdom: The King of Darkness has a string to those he owns, and pulls it when he needs them. LECTURE ON EXTREMES Humanity is a bundle of extremes. Few people are fully satisfied with being at a safe medium. They want something different from what they have, and find fault if they do not secure it. They even find fault with their Maker, and in this often go to an extreme that does not indicate a well balanced brain. The weather is too hot or too cold; the winter too long or too short; the seasons too wet or too dry; the wind blows too hard or too easy; the sun shines too much or too little. These and many others are the extremes in criticising the work of nature and yet God does not com- plain. He keeps still and considers the source. If He wishes He had never made this faulty old world, it is never known. Man builds and makes and then wishes he had not, but God pronounced his work "very good" and let it go at that. If it does not suit man, it is his privilege to stand aside and let the procession Lecture on Extremes 297 pass. He sometimes thinks he could make a better world, but has never gone to the ex- treme folly of trying to make one to his own fancy. Human power cannot regulate the heat and the cold. Neither is it given to man to cause the windows of Heaven to be opened or to remain closed, causing the grain in the fields to grow or to wither and die. The folly of man is shown when he criticises what he thinks are extremes in nature, yet over- looks the extremes in himself. He assumes to know what God should do or should not do, and fails to be wise in the things he has power to do. One of the most common and most dangerous of extremes is in too much talk about others. People seem to feast on talking about each other in an uncomplimentary way. They talk, and talk, and talk, then smile upon the ruin they have wrought. Often the poisonous words from the tongue of slander sink deep into the soul, causing a life to wither and fade away. Often one that bids fair to a life of usefulness has been made to lose hope, abandon ambition, bid farewell to home and friends — all that is most dear — to seek a home among strangers or find rest within the walls of the silent tomb, because the tongue of slander followed him with a fiendishness that was full of a murder- ous intent that laughed when its hellish pur- pose was accomplished. Such are the human 298 Lecture on Extremes vultures that prey upon the good character of others. Pride in a reasonable way is commendable. It lifts manhood from lower to higher ideals, and makes civilization a success. Pride in measured amount braces manhood, regulates wisdom and strengthens ambition. Without pride humanity is a failure. But there must be a wise limit. The danger lies in vanity — in too high an estimation of self. It is a folly that overtakes thousands. It is wisdom to never take on vanity. The extreme of pride is slovenness. It is but little less dangerous than vanity. While the former raises i>eople too high in their own esti- mation, the latter drags them too low. The lack of neatness is as tiresome as the primpish- ness of vanity. It is the part of wisdom to be without either. One of the most common extremes is in dress. Millions of dollars are uselessly spent for dress each year. The highest aim of thou- sands is dress ; fine clothes is the first considera- tion, no matter what the consequence. The one aim is to outshine others. Fashion is their god and it often proves to be their devil. Wives often wreck their husband's business in the en- deavor to be "leaders in society.'* They are willing to go hungry if they can wear fine dresses and hats of the latest pattern. There must be an expensive and senseless wardrobe, Lecture on Extremes 299 whether the sacrifice be wealth, honor or virtue. The ''height of fashion" must be maintained no matter what the cost. Satan must be feasted, even if God goes hungry. Keeping up with style in dress, daily drives men to the pen- itentiary or the grave. Driven to desperation by failure they become thieves or commit suicide. The Fashion road is strewn with innumerable business wrecks over which hangs the specter of a dress and a woman's hat. Many men have gone to ruin because their wives would rather parade as fashion dummies a few years than have plenty all their lives. If all wives exer- cised good sense in dressing there would be fewer men wearing convict clothes. Woman is not alone in her extreme folly for dress. Man holds equal sway with her in devotion to the god of Fashion. All the fools for dress are not among the women. The dandies and the fops have been described as "a body without soul, powder without ball, light- ning without thunderbolt." They will spend all their money for clothes and feast at free lunch counters. They are slaves from choice, and their desire for dress often makes them thieves from necessity. Many men would rather steal than not wear fine clothes. A household with two fashion fools must have a fat purse to sus- tain it. In the discussion of religion and politics people go to extremes. Though followers of 300 Lecture on Extremes Christ are supposed to be meek and lowly they usually exhibit little patience or sense in dis- cussing religious matters. They are sure their church is right and all others wrong. They know its plan of salvation is the only one that will stand the test. If possible, people are more stubborn in religion than in politics. Some are so unreasonable in belief that they will not listen to preaching or political speeches that conflict with their ideas of salvation or govern- ment. It is such lack of good judgment that hinders the cause of Christ and endangers the safety of the country. The unreasonableness of Christians makes Satan smile. Lack of con- servativeness in politics puts rogues in office and keeps them there. If people would not go to extremes in belief it would be better for God and country. Lecture on Hurry 301 LECTURE ON HURRY This is a world of hurry. There is hurry at every turn and every corner. It is hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry here and hurry there; hurry in and hurry out; hurry up and hurry down; hurry away and hurry back; hurry till the human frame is on the rack. People never know where or when to stop hurrying. They hurry into the world, then hurry through it, and hurry out of it, and so ends the journey. They come without being sent for ; don't stay long, hurry away and none know where they go. They may hurry along flowery paths and they may hurry over heated surfaces. They may walk where the streets are golden or they may sit where the fires never go out. Hurrying began away back there. God made the world in six days, and never admitted he could not have improved it by putting in a few days more before he called it done. He made man, and rather than waste any more dust making a woman he performed the first surgical operation — he got in a hurry to give man a mate, and hurried them into the Garden of Eden; they got in a hurry to investigate the mysteries therein, and they were hurried out of the gates, and their off-spring have since been hurrying toward eternity where there will be a 302 Lecture on Hurry grand reunion some day and they will all won- der why they hurried so fast along the way. Hurrying begins with childhood and ends when the flutter of the wings of the death angel is heard. The child is taught to hurry by its parents, its teacher, its preacher and everybody else. Children are hurried to school before they are hardly big enough to toddle so that they will be out of the way at home and in the way at school. When they are at school the teacher hurries them through the book to make it seem they are learning. He hurries them from the primer into the spelling book, from the speller into the first reader and so on until the child graduates, knows little and thinks it is wise. The parents are puffed up with pride and the teacher gets a raise of two dollars a month or a recommend. Such hurrying makes fools of children and idiots of them when they are older. The child mind was not intended to solve problems in algebra or analyze beyond its years. The more the mind is loaded in youth the weaker it will be in manhood. Boys are hurried into creased pants ; girls into stylish dresses and both are hurried into society. They hurry to fall in what they think is love ; hurry to get married, and hurry to get divorced. When there is trouble there is hurry to be freed, and soon as freed there is hurry to be married again. It is seldom divorced people are not in a hurry to marry just to spite the Lecture on Hurry 303 other party to the dissolved partnership. If a divorced woman does not marry it is usually because she has not had a chance, and if a divorced man remains single it is usually be- cause he tries to marry one younger or better than he deserves. A widower hunting for a wife is like a boy trying to get a dime's worth of candy for five cents — he wants more than he is entitled to. A widower trying to catch a widow is amusing and interesting — to others. Both are in a hurry to marry, yet try to make others think that it is the most distant thought. People often hurry because they are not wise enough to go slow ; others hurry because they think it an evidence of much business, and some hurry because they live in Chicago where they seldom have time to walk a block. To some, waiting five minutes for a three-minute ride on a street car is an evidence of business sense. People are always in too much of a hurry to ride on a slow train. They will wait an hour for a minute-a-mile train when one half as fast would take them to their destination before the fast train was due. So runs the world; hurry all through life, and when the end is reached the corpse is hurried to the cemetery, hurried into the grave, the friends hurry home, and so ends "Life's fitful fever." The race of life is ended — Allotted years have passed away; The weary soul is at rest Beyond its tenement of clay. SEP 3C IS03