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MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR 
 
 %n (Original Jfaxa 
 
 IN 
 
 ONE ACT 
 
 BY , 
 
 JOHN M. MORTON, Esq. 
 *i 
 
 (MEMBER OF THE DRAMATIC AUTHOR8' SOCIETY) 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 Lend Me Five Shillings — Little Savage — My Precious Betsy — Where 
 there's a will there's a way — John Dobbs — A most unwarrantable 
 Intrusion — Dying for Love— Your Life's in Danger — ■ Old 
 Honesty — Box and Cox — Trumpeter's Wedding — Done on Both 
 Sides — Thirty-three Next Birthday — Poor Pillicoddy — Young 
 England — Which of the Two — A Husband to Order — Who do 
 they take me for — Double Bedded Room — The Milliners' Holiday — 
 Wedding Breakfast — Brother Ben — Attic Story — Who's the Com- 
 poser — Who's my Husband — Slasher and Crasher — Prince for an 
 Hour — Away xoith Melancholy — Waiting for an Omnibus — Betsy 
 Baker — Who stole the pocket-book — Two Bonny castles — From Vil- 
 lage to Court — Going to the Derby — Rights and Wrongs of Woman 
 —Sent to the Tower — Our Wife — Irish Tiger — Ticklish Times — 
 Take care of Dowb — Muleteer of Toledo — Game of Romps — How 
 Stout You're Getting — Aunt Charlotte's Maid — Midnight Watch — - 
 Grimshaw Bagshaw and Bradshaw — My First Fit of the Gout — 
 My Husband's Ghost — Barbers of Bassora — Chaos is Come Again 
 — Original — Sentinel — Spitfire — Sayings and Doings — Corporal's 
 Wedding — Cousin Lambkin — Highwayman — My Wife's Come — 
 Mother and Child are Doing Well — Railroad Trip — Thumping 
 Legacy — Friend Waggles — Hopeless Passion — Capital Match — 
 Woman I Adore — To Paris and Back — Whitebait at Greenwich — 
 A Desperate Game — Don't Judge by Appearances — The Three 
 Cuckoos, §c. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 THOMAS HAILES LACY. 
 89, STRAND, 
 
 Opposite Southampton Street, Ccvent Garden Market,) 
 
 * i % if- a 
 

 MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 
 
 First produced at the Princess's Theatre, 
 
 Under the Management of Mr. Haddocks, 
 
 June 22, 1853. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 CAPTAIN TOPHEAVY, B. N. 
 MR. FELIX TODDLE 
 JACOB CLOSE 
 TIM, a Porter . 
 
 MRS. TOPHEAVY 
 FANNY MAYLOVE , 
 MRS. DOWNEY . 
 
 Mr. H. Wallace. 
 Mr. Walter Lacy. 
 Mr. Weight. 
 Mr. Harris. 
 
 Mrs. H. P. Grattan. 
 Miss Emma Stanley. 
 Miss Noel. 
 
 SCENE.— A Lodging House, near Bristol. 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Captain Topjheavy. — Pilot coat, over an undress naval surtout, 
 
 blue trowsers and boots, low broad brimmed bat. 
 Toddle — Cap, brown blouse, tartan trowsers, black stock, boots. Second 
 
 dress. — A brown coat, witb brass buttons. 
 Jacob Close. — Shabby coloured waistcoat, witb black stuff sleeves tied 
 
 on, apron, brown breeclies, blue worsted stockings, shoes. 
 
 Mrs. Topheavy. — Blue silk dress, white scarf, and white bonnet. 
 Fanny Mayloye. — White muslin dress and pink bonnet. 
 Mrs, Downey. — Brown silk dress and straw bonnet. 
 
 TIME IN REPRESENTATION— 45 minutes. 
 
 /V//y/ 
 
MY WIFE'S^SEOOND FLOOR 
 
 SCENE. — A Comfortably Furnished apartment. — Bow 
 window — door at c, and at each side*— A small door, 
 E. 1 e. — A table ivith writing desk, arm chair, Sfc. $fc. — 
 Portmanteau, bandbox, cloak, umbrella, Sfc. 
 
 Mrs. Topheavy discovered seated at a table, l. writing, 
 
 Mrs. T. That'll do, vastly well, {holding up a large card 
 on which is written, " Second Floor to let, Furnished." 
 I'm sure there isn't a more desirable second floor in all 
 Bristol. Bow window, with a view of the Market place 
 and the Pump — within five minutes walk of that cheerful 
 lounge, the cemetery — the use of the back kitchen and 
 coal cellar — and though last, not least, a convenient little 
 back staircase {pointing to door, l. 1 e.) for folks to make 
 their escape by, when folks they don't wish to see are 
 coming up the other. 
 
 Enter Jacob Close, c, dressed as a servant of all work of 
 a lodging house, with boot and brush. 
 
 Well, Jacob, have you executed all my commissions ? 
 
 Jacob. Yes, ma'am. Firsto — I've taken one inside 
 place in the '"London Telegraph." Secondo — I've taken 
 your luggage to the coach office ; and thirdo — I know — 
 I've put the advertisement about the lodgings into the 
 newspaper, (repeating) "Second floor to let, furnished. 
 A widow lady about to leave Bristol — " 
 
 Mrs. T. A widow lady, Jacob ? 
 
 Jacob. In course. Ain't you a widow ? 
 
4 MY WIFE S SECOND FLOOB. 
 
 Mrs. T. To be sure — that is — Jacob Close, can you 
 keep a secret ? 
 
 Jacob. I'll keep anything you give me, ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. T. Jacob, I'm a physiognomist, and I haven't 
 looked into your fine expressive features for the last six 
 weeks, without saying to myself "That is a man to be 
 trusted." 
 
 Jacob Then I wish my butcher and baker were physiog- 
 nomists ! But, as you say, ma'am, I am a man to be 
 trusted, and right proud I am of it. I haven't cleaned the 
 windows, beat the carpets, run the errands, and polished 
 the boots and shoes of this lodging house for the last fif- 
 teen years, without seeing a good deal, {significantly) 
 
 Mrs. T. And you never informed ? 
 
 Jacob. Me ! I defy any one to say I ever gave 'em any 
 information. No, no — only say to me "Jacob, mum's the 
 word," and Jacob's as dumb as an oyster. Eyes open — 
 mouth shut ; that's my motto. Why, I once found a gui- 
 nea in a gentleman's boot, and I never said a word about 
 it. 
 
 Mrs. T. Then, Jacob, I'll trust you with a secret. I've 
 imposed upon you. I am not a widow. 
 
 Jacob. What ! you've got a husband — a live husband? 
 
 Mrs. T. If I may be allowed to be a judge of the mat- 
 ter, I have. Captain Topheavy, of the Royal Navy. 
 
 Jacob. And yet you come down here, take our second 
 floor, and pass yourself off as a widow ! 
 
 Mrs. T. I did. Listen, Jacob. On the very morning 
 fixed for our departure for Bristol, a vacancy occurred in 
 the command of Her Majesty's steam ship the "Hurly- 
 burly." Top determined — 
 
 Jacob. Who's Top ? 
 
 Mrs. T. Top — for Topheavy. Top, I repeat, deter- 
 mined to apply for the appointment, and sent me down to 
 Bristol alone — promising to join me as soon as possible. 
 During the journey I reflected, and, at the end of it, de- 
 termined to assume the title of widow, as a safeguard 
 against those trifling, but by no means disagreeable atten- 
 tions to which an unprotected woman — still in the bloom 
 of youth, and by no means devoid of personal attraction* 
 — is always liable. 
 
MY WIFE S SECOND FLOOK. 5 
 
 Jacob. But, ma'am — why doesn't Top for Topheavy 
 come down, as he said he would ? 
 
 Mrs. T. Because he's obliged to kick his precious heels 
 at the Admiralty from morning till night. That's his only 
 chance of getting the "Hurlyburly." Here is his last 
 letter — received this morning, (reads) "To Mrs. Top- 
 heavy. London, Monday — Wind, South West, by South 
 half South. My precious Fanny ! how goes it ? As for 
 me, I feel quite at sea without you — like a ship without 
 compass or rudder." That's tender, Jacob ! 
 Jacob. Very ! 
 
 Mrs. T. {reads) "The likeness you sent me of your 
 lovely figure head is the only thing that keeps me afloat." 
 That's poetical Jacob ! 
 Jacob. Very ! 
 
 Mrs. T. {reads) Without it I should founder — shiver 
 my timbers!" 
 
 Jacob. Poetical again ! 
 
 Mrs. T. {reads) " Your affectionate husband, for evei 
 and ever, Amen, — Tristram Topheavy." Now, Jacob, to 
 my mind that letter says, as plain as can be, — "Fanny, 
 dear, as I can't come to you, do you come to me" — and 
 that's why I've made up my mind all of a hurry to let my 
 second floor, start for London, and give my dear Top an 
 agreeable surprise. Poor fellow ! you see how pleased he 
 is at my sending him my picture. 
 
 Jacob. No wonder — it was a picture ! I can't say much 
 for the face, but the bonnet and shawl were wonderful 
 like. 
 
 Mrs. T. But, Jacob, how did you know that Mr. Toddle 
 was so clever an artist ? 
 
 Jacob. Bless you, I have it from the best authority — he 
 told me so himself ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Has he much practice in his profession ? 
 Jacob. Practice! I believe you! he's always at it. 
 Why, he ain't had our attics a fortnight, and there isn't 
 an inch of wall that ain't covered with men and dogs, and 
 poll parrots, and women, and cats, and other domestic 
 animals. {a tap heard at c. d. 
 
 Mrs. T. Come in ! {the door is slightly opened, and a 
 hand appears t holding a card) 
 
6 MY WIFE S SECOND FLOOR. 
 
 Jacob. It's Mr. Toddle, madam. He's in his working 
 dress, and he's ashamed to show himself, {takes card, and 
 shoivs it her) 
 
 Mrs. T. {reading card) " Mr. Felix Toddle, historical, 
 landscape, portrait, and animal painter to the Emperor of 
 all the Russias, and the Mayor, Aldermen, and^ Common 
 Council of the City of Bristol." Over leaf, in pencil, " F. T. 
 requests the honour of a few minutes' conversation with 
 Mrs. Topheavy." Certainly — desire Mr. Toddle to walk in. 
 
 Jacob. Come in, Mr. Toddle. 
 
 Toddle appears, c. d., and seems shy of entering. 
 
 Don't be shy, sir ! (pulls Toddle into room) 
 
 Mrs, T. {to Jacob, as he goes out) Jacob, mum! 
 
 Jacob puts his hand to his mouth, and exits, c. 
 Good morning, Mr. Toddle. 
 
 Tod. You are not offended at my appearing before you 
 in this costume ? {he is dressed in an artist's blouse, very 
 much daubed with paint, Sfc.) 
 
 Mrs. T. Oh dear, no. 
 
 Tod. (l.) Oh dear, no ! You're aware it's a liberty — a 
 considerable liberty— in short, ma'am, a liberty which you 
 might very properly resent. 
 
 Mrs. T. {laughing) Oh, well, I will resent it, if you 
 wish it. 
 
 Tod. Not on my account, I beg — I merely mention 
 it to put the thing in its proper light, that's all. 
 
 Mrs. T. I assure you 1 am happy to see you. 
 
 Tod. Are you r "Then, most blooming of widows, I'm 
 y^)ur most devoted. What a splendid full face you've got. 
 (Mrs. Topheavy turns aside) Charming side view ! (Mrs. 
 Topheavy turns round, with her back toivards him) Back 
 view, not bad ! If you'll allow me, I'll — {takes out sketch 
 book, and begins drawing) 
 
 Mrs. T. {turning round) What's the man about ? Why 
 what have you got there ? 
 
 Tod. This? My sketch book, ma'am; I'm never with- 
 out it. When anything strikes me, down it goes. See, 
 ma'am — that's the street door opposite — that's the knocker 
 — no, it isn't— that's the housemaid, taking in the tea and 
 sugar from the grocer's boy — that's the grocer's boy, 
 
MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 
 
 hanging on the railings — no that's his basket. Ah, here's 
 an old friend I'm sure you'll recognize — our Tom cat. He 
 came and sat to me yesterday, for an hour and half. 
 
 Mrs. T. Well, I declare, it's very like ; but I don't see 
 his tail. 
 
 Tod. He was sitting on it, ma'am, all the time. 
 
 Mrs. T.»l beg pardon, Mr. Toddle ; but I'm rather 
 pressed for time. 
 
 Tod. I see, you consider jny visit an intrusion. Well, 
 ma'am, as I'm bound to put the thing in its proper light, 
 it is an intrusion. 
 
 Mrs. T. (angrily) No such thing, I tell you ! 
 
 Tod. There's an expression ! (hurriedly opening sketch 
 book, and beginning to draw) 
 
 Here Jacob enters, c, pretending to look for something, 
 but trying to overhear the conversation. 
 
 Mrs. T. {knocking the book away) You asked to see me 
 — here you are — here am I, and now, what do you want ? 
 
 Tod. A favour, an enormous favour. 
 
 Mrs. T. Of me ? 
 
 Tod. Of you ! and if you'll only listen — 
 
 Mrs. T. [impatiently) If you'll only speak — 
 
 Tod. I will ! Ahem ! A gentlewoman of this good 
 city of Bristol has expressed a wish to be transferred to 
 canvass — in other words, is coming to sit to me for her 
 portrait. 
 
 Mrs. T. An old lady, Mr. Toddle ? 
 
 Tod, {hesitating) Why — 
 
 Mss. T. Elderly? 
 
 Tod. Why — 
 
 Mrs. T. Middle-aged? 
 
 Tod. Why— 
 
 Mrs. T. Young ? 
 
 Tod. Why, there, or thereabouts ! (turns round and sees 
 Jacob stuffing his sleeve into his mouth to prevent his laugh- 
 ing) Holloa ! what do you want ? 
 
 Jacob. Didn't you call, sir ? 
 
 Tod. No, I did not ! 
 
 Jacob. Very well, sir. It's a mistake, sir — you needn't 
 apologize. Exit, c. 
 
8 MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 
 
 Mrs. T. I think I understand you, Mr. Toddle. The 
 enormous favour you want to ask of me, is the loan of my 
 second floor, because you are ashamed to receive the lady 
 in your attic. Is that it ? 
 
 Tod. It is. You've a remarkable knack of putting 
 things in their proper light. And now, ma'am — my dear 
 ma'am — your answer ; yes, or no ? • 
 
 Mrs. T. No ! 
 
 Tod. That's to the point. I wish you a very good 
 morning, {going) 
 
 Mrs. T. Stay, Mr. Toddle. When I say no, I mean 
 that my second floor is not to be lent, but to be let. 
 
 Tod. To be let ? 
 
 Mrs. T. Yes — I am about to leave Bristol at four o'clock, 
 for London, and if you like to take my apartments until I 
 return — 
 
 Tod. Oh — what, keep them aired for you ? 
 
 Mrs. T. No — become my tenant. What say you ? 
 
 Tod. I should be delighted — enchanted ! But, as I am 
 bound to put the thing in its proper light — I am only a 
 poor painter — a very poor painter — I mean, in a pecuniary 
 point of view — 
 
 Mrs. T. We shall not quarrel about terms, Mr. Toddle, 
 I dare say — and so I look upon you as my tenant, {crosses l. 
 
 Tod. (aside) Well, at any rate, I shall be able to re- 
 ceive my dear Fanny in a genteel second floor, instead of 
 a miserable attic. 
 
 Mrs. T. My luggage is already gone to the coach office, 
 and I've only to take a few papers out of my writing desk. 
 (she goes to desk, and takes out a roll of papers) Here they 
 are — and now, Mr. Toddle, consider yourself at home. 
 
 Enter Jacob, c. 
 
 Jacob, {aside to Toddle) She's come ! 
 
 Tod. She! who? 
 
 Jacob. The young lady — your young lady — Miss Fanny 
 Maylove. 
 
 Tod. Hush ! where is she ? 
 
 Jacob. Down stairs. The front parlour's gone to 
 market, so I asked her in there. 
 
MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 9 
 
 Mrs. T. Oh, Jacob, you needn't put the advertisement 
 about my second floor into the newspaper again — Mr. 
 Toddle has just taken it. Good bye, Mr. Toddle — take 
 care of my — {crosses c.) furniture. I've a few visits to 
 pay before the coach starts — 
 
 Tod. Allow me to see you to the door. 
 
 Mrs. T. Thank you — (giving him a carpet bag) you're 
 so very polite — (giving him a bandbox) I'm really quite 
 ashamed, f putting umbrella under his arm) Now, then, 
 I'm ready ! (flinging her cloak over Toddle's shoulder) 
 Come along, Mr. Toddle ! 
 
 Tod. (aside) Now, then, for my darling Fanny ! (offers 
 his hand to Mrs. Topheavy) 
 
 Mrs. T. (turning round to Jacob — aside) Jacob — mum ! 
 
 Tod. Jacob, snug's the word ! 
 
 They exeunt, c, holding up their fingers to Jacob. 
 
 Jacob, (shaking his head) Um ! so Mrs. Topheavy gives 
 up her second floor to Mr. Toddle ! Very kind of Mrs. 
 Topheavy — very ! Pleasant for Captain Topheavy — very ! 
 It would be really kind in me to open Top's eyes — but I 
 won't ! No, no — I never blabbed yet, and I'm not going 
 to begin now — not even if it should come to bigamy. 
 
 Tim enters at door, l. 1 e., carrying a portmanteau. 
 
 Tim. (looking cautiously about him) All right — nobody 
 here ! 
 
 Jacob Don't be too sure of that. 
 
 Tim. Hush ! 
 
 Jacob, (up stage, on r.) He's at it, too ! Don't be 
 afeard. If you were a housebreaker, I'd scorn to men- 
 tion it ! 
 
 Tim. A lady lives in this second floor, don't she ? 
 
 Jacob. What if she does ? 
 
 Tim. Her name's Topheavy, ain't it ? 
 
 Jacob. What if it is ? 
 
 Tim. (very mysteriously) He's come ! 
 
 Jacob. He ! who ? 
 
 Tim. Her husband — Captain Topheavy. But you 
 mustn't say a word about it. It's a secret, that's why I 
 tell you. 
 
 Jacob. Ah ! 
 
10 MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 
 
 Tim. He got off the box of the " London Highflyer," 
 not five minutes ago — went into the bar, called for grog 
 and a glass of porter — no, I mean he called for a porter 
 and a glass of grog — tipped me a wink and a five-shilling 
 piece, and told me to bring his portmanteau here, and, if 
 possible, without anybody seeing me — because, d'ye see, 
 he's come down from London on purpose to give his wife, 
 Mrs. Topheavy, an agreeable surprise. 
 
 Jacob No ! 
 
 Tim. Yes! 
 
 Jacob. Ha, ha, ha ! capital ! 
 
 Tim. Isn't it? I say, look here — (putting down port- 
 manteau, L., and taking a red morocco case out of his 
 pocket) this is another of the old gentleman's traps. It's 
 his wife's picture — and he told me to be very careful of it, 
 and stow it away somewhere. "Where shall I put it ? Oh, 
 here's the very thing, {opens desk, puts in case, leaving 
 desk open) And now, old fellow, that I've told you all 
 about it, of course you know nothing ! 
 
 Jacob. All right ! 
 
 Tim. Good bye ! and recollect, don't say nothing to 
 nobody. Exit l. 
 
 Jacob. Ah ! now I'll be bound that if Mrs. Topheavy 
 knew that her husband was come down from London to 
 take her by surprise, she wouldn't go up to London, to do 
 the same by him. It's a long journey for nothing, and it 
 would really be a charity in me to stop her, but I won't ! 
 And then when Captain Topheavy does come — finds Mr. 
 Toddle making himself quite at home in his wife's second 
 floor, there'll be a rumpus, as sure as my name's Jacob. 
 To be sure, it would be the easiest thing in the world for 
 me to explain matters, but I won't ! No, no — there's but 
 one thing for me to do, and that is, to see everything. 
 hear everything, and know every tiling, and say — nothing ! 
 
 Enter Fanny Maylove and Mrs. Downey, c. 
 
 Fanny, (r.) I tell you, Mrs. Downey, I can't be mis- 
 taken. I'm certain I saw Felix Toddle turning the corner 
 of the street, with a female under his arm. 
 
 Mbs. D. (l.) Well, what of that? Perhaps it's his 
 mother — 
 
MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 11 
 
 Fanny. Nonsense ! how should he have a mother ? 
 Oh, if I thought Felix was deceiving me, I'd take my 
 scissors and cut every one of his pictures to ribbons, that 
 I would. 
 
 Jacob, {aside) She's jealous of Mrs. Topheavy ! ha, ha ! 
 Poor soul ! jealousy's a terrible thing, and I could soon 
 make her quite easy and comfortable, but I won't. No, no ! 
 
 Enter Toddle, c. d. 
 
 Tod. Ha, my dear Fanny ! {to Jacob) Jacob, abscond ! 
 
 Jacob. Yes, sir. {aside) There'll be a row — there'll be 
 a devil of a row. To be sure, 1 could prevent it, but I 
 won't. No, no — eyes open, mouth shut — that's my motto. 
 
 Exit, c.d. 
 
 Toddle, (c.) My dear Fanny ! 
 
 Fanny, {coldly) Sir — 
 
 Tod. Sir, what is the matter ? 
 
 Fanny. I think Mr. Toddle might have been at home 
 to receive me — especially as it is my first visit. 
 
 Tod. M.j darling Fanny, I merely stepped out to sniff 
 the fresh air — 
 
 Mrs. T. {aside to him) And take your aunt home ! 
 
 Tod. {tahing the hint) And take my aunt home. 
 
 Fanny. Your aunt ? I never heard of her. 
 
 Tod. No!, {aside) No more did I. {aloud) Oh, yes 
 Aunt Jones — Uncle Jones's widow. 
 
 Fanny, (r) How silly of me, to be sure ! I declare I 
 felt quite jealous. But you forgive me, Felix ? 
 
 Tod. Fanny, I do ! {aside to Mrs. Downey) Downey, 
 you are a knowing one ! {aloud) And so, Fanny, you have 
 at last ventured upon paying me a visit in my own apart- 
 ment. 
 
 Fanny. Yes, and a delightful second floor you've got 
 — everything in such apple pie order, too, for a bachelor, 
 {examining arm chair — screams) Ah ! 
 
 Tod. What's the matter now ? 
 
 Fanny. A needle and thread stuck into the back of 
 the chair. 
 
 Tod. The devil ! {crosses to her) 
 
 Fanny, (l., putting her finger to her mouth) The very 
 thing I should like to have said, if I had dared. How did 
 it come there, Mr. Toddle ? 
 
12 my wife's second floor. 
 
 Tod. (bothered) Why, I imagine it came there, simply 
 because it was put there. 
 
 Fanny. Who by — who by — who by : {impatiently) 
 
 Mrs. T. (r.— aside to Toddle) Aunt Jones. 
 
 Tod. Aunt Jones ! the stupid old creature is always 
 sticking her needles into the chairs, {aside to Mrs. 
 Downey) Downey, you're a deep one. 
 
 Fanny. Ah, these aunts and uncles are very convenient 
 sort of people at times. 
 
 Tod. I wish I could say as much for your old cur- 
 mudgeon of an uncle — who, with a spirit worthy of a red 
 Indian, insists on your becoming the better half of a man 
 old enough to be your grandfather, without an idea be- 
 yond almonds and raisins, and sevenpenny moist. 
 
 Fanny, (l.) Now really, Felix, you are too severe upon 
 poor Mr. Spicey ! 
 
 Tod. (c.) Poor Mr. Spicey ! rich Mr. Spicey, you 
 mean. Why don't you boldly declare that you have 
 bestowed your affections on a more interesting object. 
 
 Fanny. I told my uncle so this morning, and he said 
 he'd cut me off with a shilling. 
 
 Tod. Well, a shilling's better than nothing — that's six- 
 pence a-piece, you know. But have you no other relations. 
 
 Fanny. No ; but I have a dear, kind godfather. 
 
 Tod. Go to him ! you know he promised to do some- 
 thing for you. 
 
 Fanny. Yes, but I haven't seen him since I was chris- 
 tened. I have made every possible inquiry after him, but 
 without success. 
 
 Enter Jacof, c, with shovel of coals and tea kettle. 
 
 Tod. And consequently, your old ruffian of an uncle 
 takes advantage of your unprotected state, to bully you 
 into becoming Mrs. Spicey ! I execrate that man. I 
 repeat, Fanny, Spicey is the object of my execration — and 
 if you should hear of his being found, one of these morn- 
 ings, smothered in one of his own treacle tubs,] don't be 
 astonished. (Jacob sidles in at c, during the above as 
 before, gradually getting nearer and nearer, till Toddle 
 turns round and sees him — he seizes him) What the devil 
 are you doing here r does anybody want me ? 
 
MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 13 
 
 Jacob. Yes, sir ! 
 
 Todd. True ! I remember ! the old lady from next door, 
 isn't it? 
 
 Jacob. Yes, sir ! she wants to know what you charge 
 for painting her poodle dog. 
 
 Todd. What sort of an animal is it ? 
 Jacob. Oh, rather a genteel old lady. 
 Todd. Pshaw! zounds, you rascal ! why didn't you tell 
 me all this at once ? 
 
 Jacob. Me ? a likely matter, indeed ! just as if I was 
 going to say anything about it ! 
 
 Todd. Pooh ! Fanny, excuse me — business, you know, 
 
 must be attended to — I'll be back in a minute. Runs off, c. 
 
 Fanny. Mrs. Downey, I haven't an atom of curiosity, 
 
 but I should like to know what sort of a character Jacob 
 
 would give Mr. Toddle — suppose we draw him out ? Jacob ! 
 
 Jacob. Ma'am ! 
 
 Fanny, (d.) Mr. Toddle seems a very steady young 
 man. (Jacob looks up at her) 
 
 Mrs. D. {on the other side) Perhaps not quite so steady 
 as he looks — eh, Jacob ? (Jacob same play) 
 
 Fanny. Doesn't keep late hours, I'll be bound ? early 
 to bed, and early to rise, eh ! (Jacob same play) 
 
 Mrs. D. Except when he has company. (Jacob ditto) 
 Fanny. A few gentlemen, perhaps, occasionally, but 
 no ladies — I say no ladies, Jacob? (Jacob ditto) 
 
 Mrs. D. Of course not — the ladies write to him— don't 
 they, Jacob ? (Jacob as before) 
 
 Fanny. Not they ! Jacob, I'm sure, never takes in any 
 
 little three-cornered notes, sky-blue paper, do you, Jacob? 
 
 (Jacob as'before) Hasn't the man got a tongue in his head ? 
 
 Mrs. D. Is the creature dumb ? 
 
 (Jacob looks at them alternately — begins to whistle — 
 
 turns round, and tcalks out at c 
 Fanny. None are so dumb as those who won't speak! 
 There's something wrong depend on't. {crosses to r.) 
 
 Mrs. D. Then it's our duty to find it out. So I'll begin 
 by searching this writing desk, {opens it and takes out 
 miniature — looks at it) Oh, Fanny ! 
 Fanny. What is it? 
 Mrs. D. Toddle's a wretch ! Look here ! 
 
 . B 
 
14 my wiee's second flooe. 
 
 Fanny. A woman's portrait ! I don't know the face, 
 but I'll swear to the bonnet ! It's the very identical one 
 I saw as we came in, through the parlour window, turning 
 the corner of the street with Mr. Toddle. Downy, support 
 me! No, don't — I'll be majestical in my misery! I'll 
 tear his eyes out — I'll marry Mr. Spicey to-morrow morn- 
 ing ! (crosses to and fro) I'll — here he comes — not a word. 
 (crosses e. — puts miniature in her pocket. 
 
 Toddle enters, c. d. 
 
 Todd. A thousand pardons, my dear Fanny ! 
 
 Fanny. Pardons ! what about ? 
 
 Todd. Why, my leaving you. 
 
 Fanny. Did you leave me, eh? oh, ah, true — I believe 
 you did. And how have you been since I last saw you ? 
 
 Todd. Last saw me ! what three minutes ago ? 
 
 Fannv. True, true! I declare I quite forgot. But 
 really, one can't be expected to remember every trivial, 
 commonplace occurrence of one's existence. 
 
 Todd, (c.) Commonplace. Miss Fanny ! 
 
 Fanny. How the man stares ! ha. ha, ha ! Downey, 
 suppose we (crosses c.) call on dear Mr. Spicey, and take 
 a drive in his new green barouch ? It is always at my 
 service : and to me there is nothing so enchanting as 
 lolling back in one's equipage, and doing the amiable to 
 one's poor acquaintances. How do: how d'ye do? how 
 d'ye do ? (motioning her hand patronizingly to Toddle"; 
 Good bye, young man. (going — they get round table to c; 
 
 Todd. But. Fanny, my dear ! 
 
 Fanny. Silence, sir ! (turning sharply round to him) 
 
 Todd. Will you explain ? 
 
 Fanny. Ask your own conscience, sir, if you have one, 
 
 Mes. D. (putting him round to her, e. c.) Yes. young 
 man, aik your conscience ! 
 
 Fanny', (ju. c, putting him round) Confess, sir! 
 
 Mes. D. (pulling him round) Yes, sir, confess! 
 
 Todd. Confess? I do — what? 
 
 Fanny. That you're a wretch ! (putting him round) 
 
 Mes. D, (pulling him round) A hypocrite! 
 
 Fanny. A deceitful, goed-for-nothi 
 
 Todd. Goodness gracious ! what have I done ? 
 
my wife's second flooe. 1 5 
 
 Fanny. Search your apartments, Mr. Toddle — search 
 them thoroughly, *Mr. Toddle — and you'll know what 
 you have done — and you'll also know that you're found 
 out — and you'll confess, sir, that I am justified in saying 
 what I do now — that I never wish to see your horrid, 
 false, good-for-nothing face again ! Exit c. to l. 
 
 Mks. D. Oh, Toddle ! Toddle ! Exit after Fan ny, c. to l. 
 
 Todd. But, Fanny — pooh! I won't stand this — I will be 
 heard! Fanny, I say — Runs off after them, c. to l. 
 
 The door l. 1 e. opens, and Captain Topheavy appears. 
 
 Top. The coast seems clear, so in I go ! [enters) 
 Huzza ! here I am, actually in my wile's second floor, 
 without a soul knowing I am in Bristol. But where can 
 my darling Fanny be ? Gone to market, perhaps. Egad, 
 how agreeably surprised she'll be when she comes and 
 finds her own dear hubby seated comfortably in this arm 
 chair, (sits) I can fancy her astonishment, ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter Toddle, c. from l., out of breath. 
 
 Todd, (b.) Wheugh! Wheugh ! it's no use, Fanny sticks 
 to what she said before — ." search your apartments — 
 search them thoroughly \" What can she mean ? There's 
 nothing here ! (looking about, then under the table, Sfc. — at 
 last he sees Topheavy in the chair — he taps him on the 
 shoulder) I say, old 'un, you're making yourself at home, 
 whoever you are. 
 
 Top. Well if you come to that, you don't stand upon 
 trifles, whoever you are. 
 
 Todd. I don't know whether you've heard the observa- 
 tion before, but as its rather to the point, I beg to observe, 
 that every Englishman's house is his castle — in other 
 words, be off. 
 
 Top. Harkye, young man. Between you and me, the 
 chances are about five hundred to one, I'm getting into a 
 thundering passion. 
 
 Todd. Pooh, for your passion. Will you, or will you not 
 leave my apartments ? 
 
 Top. Your apartments ? ha, ha, ha ! (aside) I see ! the 
 fellow's either mad, or he means this for a joke, (aloud) 
 Sir, you may be a very funny fellow in your way, but a 
 
16 my wife's second floob. 
 
 joke may be carried too far, and when I tell you I am come 
 here to see a lady — 
 
 Todd. A lady ! What's her name ? 
 
 Top. Well, 'pon my life, you're a cool sort of chap, 
 but I don't mind indulging your curiosity — her name is 
 Fanny — my own Fanny. 
 
 Todd. Your Fanny ? ha, ha, ha ! {aside) I've a horrible 
 misgiving. It can't be anybody else — age, person, all 
 correspond. It must be my odious rival— it must be old 
 Spicey ! It must be he. ' Damn it, here goes, (aloud) Sir ! 
 
 Jacob, (is seen to walk slowly past the open door at c, 
 trying to overhear) The row's beginning ! 
 
 Top. Well, sir? 
 
 Todd. You're discovered ! No prevarication, old man — 
 I say you're discovered ! 
 
 Top. (l.) Oh, what you guess who I am, eh ? 
 
 Todd. I know who you are — I know all about you — your 
 birth, parentage, education, and occupation — and I also 
 know your absurd pretentions to the affections of my 
 Fanny. 
 
 Here Jacob sneaks in, and getting behind one of the folding 
 doors, which he closes upon himself looks out occasionally . 
 
 Top. Your Fanny? (aside) D — n his impudence ! 
 
 Todd. Yes, sir — my Fanny. I love her, adore her, and 
 what's more, I'll have her in spite of you — in spite of your 
 money — in spite of your new dark green barouche — -in 
 spite of your almonds and raisins — in a word, old Spicey — 
 
 Top. Old Spicey ! What the devil— (aside^ I don't 
 half like this. Two men in love with my wife ! I begin 
 to feel very uncomfortable. 
 
 Todd. Come, Spicey, take my advice. You haven't a leg 
 to stand on — so be off. 
 
 Top. Not till I have seen Fanny. (crosses to and fro) 
 
 Todd. Don't be obstinate. I tell you Fanny doesn't 
 care a fig about you. She told me so not five minutes ago. 
 
 Top. (furious) Pooh, pooh ! I don't believe a word 
 you say. 
 
 Todd. Very well — then I'll convince you. I'll bring 
 Fanny here, and she shall tell you so to vour face. Stop 
 where you are — don't attempt to run away — stop where 
 
my wife's second flook. 17 
 
 you are, I say ! (seizes Topheavy's hat — much too biff for 
 him — puts it on, and runs off, c. to d.) 
 
 Top. My mind misgives me ! It'll be some time before 
 I attempt an agreeable surprise again. Fanny faithless ? 
 it can't be — and yet — ha ! (sees Jacob) Come here ! who 
 are you ? 
 
 Jacob. Jacob Close. 
 
 Top. What are you ? 
 
 Jacob. Servant of all work. 
 
 Top. Where? 
 
 Jacob. Here. 
 
 Top. That'll do. My name's Topheavy — the husband 
 of Mrs. Topheavy. Now, tell me, who's that brazen- 
 faced young reprobate that just went out ? (Jacob looks up 
 at him) What's his name? (Jacob looks again) Speak, 
 you rascal, or I'll shake you to pieces, (shaking him) 
 
 Jacob. Shake away, you won't shake anything out of me. 
 
 Top. You're in the conspiracy, too, you villain ! But 
 farther concealment is useless. He told me — told me to 
 my -face he was in love with Fanny — d'ye hear, with 
 Fanny ! (shouting) My wife's name is Fanny. 
 
 Jacob, (aside) And Miss Maylove's name be Fanny, 
 too, ha, ha, ha ! Now if I was to tell the old gentleman 
 that, he'd be quite happy and comfortable, but I won't, 
 no, no ! 
 
 Top. Will you speak, you villain, or will you not ? 
 
 Jacob, Well, I don't mind telling you all I know. 
 
 Top. And what do you know ? 
 
 Jacob. Why, I know nothing. He, he ! You thought 
 I was going to blab, did you ? No, no, I've a soul above 
 tittle tattle. 
 
 Top. I shall go mad ! No, I won't, I'll go to London, 
 send for my lawyer, allow Mrs. Topheavy a separate 
 maintenance, find out my long neglected god-daughter, 
 settle every shilling I have upon her, and then take a 
 flying leap off Waterloo -bridge. Oh, Fanny, Fanny ! 
 (Jacob laughs) Stand out of my way! 
 
 Puts on Toddle's hat, and rushes out l. 1 e, 
 
 Jacob. He, he ! I knew there' d be a rumpus. Things 
 are getting into a nice mess. To be sure, I could soon set 
 'em right again, but I won't, no, no ! 
 
18 my wife's second flqok. 
 
 Toddle, {without) This way, madam, this way ! 
 Enter Toddle, Fanny, and Mb.s. Downey, c. from l. 
 
 Fanny. Mr. Spicey here r The thing's impossible. 
 
 Todd. I tell you he is here, and there he stands. No, 
 he doesn't ! {looking about) 
 
 Fanny. For shame, sir ! this was a poor paltry artifice 
 to induce me to return here. 
 
 Todd. No such thing. I tell you I saw him — spoke to 
 him. Ah, Jacob, where's Mr. Spicey ! 
 
 Jacob, (aside) Fie takes Captain Topheavy for Mr. 
 Spicey, he. he ! here's another row. 
 
 Todd. You must have seen him. 
 
 Jacob. I never see nothing. 
 
 Todd. Ugh ! no matter, {to Fanny) You know you- 
 told me to search my apartments — I did so thoroughly* 
 and I repeat I found Spicey. 
 
 Fanny. No such thing, sir. You found that I had 
 discovered the undeniable evidence of your attachment to 
 another woman. 
 
 Todd. Me? 
 
 Mrs. D. Yes, the little red morocco case, sir. 
 
 Fanny. The miniature, sir, fie ! fie ! 
 
 Todd. Haven't the most distant notion what they mean. 
 
 Jacob, (aside) I could tell you easily enough, but I won't. 
 
 Topheavy. (without) Jacob! Jacob! 
 
 Todd. Ah ! Spicey's voice ! 
 
 Topheavy. (without \ I want my portmanteau ! 
 
 Todd. Portmanteau: (sees it) ; here it is, sure enough. 
 Ha, ha ! I'll take it to you, my fine iellow. Stay where 
 you are, ladies, Fll bring the gentleman back with me — 
 and if he won't come back by fair means, I will drag him 
 up stairs by the hair of his head. 
 
 Seizes the portmanteau, and runs off, l. 1 e. 
 
 Fanny, (alarmed) Oh, Jacob, run and prevent mis- 
 chief — perhaps there'll be bloodshed. 
 
 Jacob. I shouldn't wonder ! (aside) And to think that 
 one word from me would settle everything to everybody's 
 satisfaction — but I won't speak, no, no ! (Exit Jacob 
 l. 1 e., hurried by Mrs. Downey, who follows him — 
 1'anny is anxiously looking off at door, l. 1 e — Enter 
 Topheavy, c.from l. 
 
MY WIFE'S SECOND FLOOR. 19 
 
 Top. On second thoughts, I'll see the perfidious Fanny 
 once again, before I 'leave her for ever. She's coming up 
 the street, so I'll in here, and then appear and confound 
 her. Exit into room, R. d. 
 
 Fanny, {looking off, i. 1 e.) Why, I declare— no— - 
 yes — it is a female in the identical bonnet I saw this 
 morning. She's coming up the stairs — if I could but see 
 her face. Ah ! there, I caught a glimpse — it's she her- 
 self ! the original of that odious miniature. So this is my 
 rival ! this is aunt Jones, is it ? very well, (retires, l.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Topheavy, c.Jrom l. 
 
 Mrs. T. How very provoking to be sure ! I quite 
 forgot to give Mr. Toddle the key of the cellar ! (sees 
 Fanny) This must be the lady that's come to sit to Mr. 
 Toddle for her portrait, (aloud) I presume, madam, we 
 are both waiting to see the same person ? 
 
 Fanny. I'm afraid we are, ma'am, (aside) Saucy minx! 
 
 Mrs. T. (r.) I'm sure you'll be pleased with your por- 
 trait, ma'am, whenever it is finished—and I do think a tiny 
 little miniature in a tiny little red morocco case, such a 
 charming present to gi?e the man of one's heart, don't 
 you, ma'am ? 
 
 Fanny, (bursting out) Don't be impertinent, madam ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Impertinent! 
 
 Fanny, (l.) Yes, yes ! I know all about you — Aunt 
 Joues ! (satirically) 
 
 Mrs. T. Aunt Jones ? the young woman's a maniac ! 
 Who are you, madam ? 
 
 Fanny. Your rival ! Yes. madam — your rival in the 
 affections of the most false — fickle — perfidious, and per- 
 j ured of his sex ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Mercy on us ! (aside) Thoughts by no means 
 flattering to Tristram Topheavy are busy in my bosom ! 
 (aloud) Why, you don't mean to insinuate — 
 
 Fanny. I scorn to insinuate — I tell you to your face 
 that the " man of your heart," as you call him, has sworn, 
 over and over again, that he loves me to distraction — and, 
 moreover, that that tiny little miniature — 
 
 Mrs. T. Well? (alarmed) 
 
 Fanny. In that tiny little red morocco case— 
 
 Mrs. T. Well? 
 
20 my wife's second floor. 
 
 Fanny. Which you gave him — 
 
 Mrs. T. Well ? 
 
 Fanny. Is now in my possession. There — there! 
 
 {showing the miniature to her, 
 Mrs. T. {taking the miniature) Oh, oh, oh ! 
 Fanny. Oh! {sobbing in each other' s arms) 
 Mrs. T. I'm sure I feel for you, that I do ! {they em- 
 brace, and weep) 
 
 Fanny. I'm sure I sympathize with you, as you must 
 of course, resign your pretensions. 
 
 Mrs. T. I would if I could, but I can't. I'm married 
 to him. 
 
 Fanny. Married ! — you ? Then let me marry him too, 
 and then we'll transport the wretch ! 
 
 Mrs. T. You're very kind, but — 
 
 Fanny. Ah ! then you're not married to him. or you'd 
 jump at such a chance. 
 
 Mrs. T. But I tell you I am ! I ought to know better 
 than you. 
 
 Fanny. It's no such thing ! I must know better than you, 
 
 Mrs. T. Take care, young woman, or you'll put my 
 back up ! It's no joke to put my back up ! 
 
 Fanny. Don't think to frighten me, ma'am ! If we 
 were men, 1 should demand satisfaction ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Then let us act like men ! Name your time ! 
 
 Fanny. Whenever you please. 
 
 Mrs. T. Weapons ? 
 
 Fanny. Whatever you choose. 
 
 Mrs. T. The place of meeting ? 
 
 Fanny. Wherever you like. 
 
 Mrs. T. I'll be there. 
 
 Fanny. So will I. Swords? 
 
 Mrs. T. Swords. 
 
 Fanny. Or pistols ? 
 
 Mrs. T. Pistols be it. Here on the spot ? 
 
 Fanny. As you please— or behind the barracks? 
 
 Mrs. T. Whichever you please. 
 
 Fanny. Just as you like. 
 
 Mrs. T. Then sword9 on the spot. 
 
 Fanny. Agreed ! Pistols behind the barracks. 
 
 Mrs. T. I see, you prefer pistols behind the barracks. 
 
my wife's second eloor. 21 
 
 Fanny. And you're determined on swords on the spot. 
 
 Mks. T. I am, and won't give way. 
 
 Fanny. No more will I. 
 
 M^. T. I admire your spirit. Then I shall be here 
 with swords on the spot. 
 
 Fanny. And I shall be with pistols behind the barracks. 
 
 Both, Agreed ! (shake hands) 
 
 Fanny. And then, having satisfied my honour, I shall 
 marry vlr. Spicey — you hear, madam ? I'm determined to 
 marry Mr. Spicey. {aside) She'll be sure to tell Felix, 
 and he'll be miserable — that'll be some comfort. Exit, c. 
 
 Mrs. T. Spicey ! What can she mean ? Who can she 
 mean ? Ah, I see it all. Topheavy, alias Spicey — and 
 under that fictitious name, my wretch of a husband has 
 seduced this young woman's affections, and sacrificed my 
 peace of mind, and my portrait. Oh, Top ! Top ! what a 
 rod in pickle I have got for you, and when we do meet — 
 
 Here Topheavy, who has entered from door, r., presents 
 
 himself before her in an attitude — arms akimbo, Sfc. 
 Topheavy ! 
 
 Top. Stands before you, in all the dignity of offended 
 manhood ! 
 
 Mrs.T . Topheavy, it's no use trying it on — it won't 
 do — you look the very picture of remorse, you do ! 
 
 Top. Remorse ! Indignation, you mean. And now, 
 madam, have you anything to say ? 
 
 Mrs. T. Lots ! Look at me, sir — do you know one 
 Mr. Spicey? 
 
 Top. (aside) Upon my soul, that's a cool question ! Her 
 morals must be in a sad state of dilapidation ! (aloud) Yes, 
 madam, I know the villain — and what's more, I know 
 your partiality for him. 
 
 Mrs. T. My partiality ! Oh, dear, no ! I liked the 
 fellow well enough once, I'm ashamed to say. 
 
 Top. And well you may be ! 
 
 Mrs. T. But now I feel I hate him ! 
 
 Top. You do ! and why ? 
 
 Mrs. T. You know. 
 
 Top. 'Pon my life I don't! Has he deceived you? 
 
 Mrs. T. You know he has ! 
 
 Top. I tell you I don't. Never mind — he must be 
 punished. 
 
22 my wife's second floor. 
 
 Mrs. Yes — I'll take care of that. 
 
 Top. No — be that ray task — Spicey dies ! 
 
 Mrs. T. No— repent, Tristram Topheavy. Don't make 
 away with yourself. m 
 
 Top. Make away with myself ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Oi course. You're Mr. Spicey! 
 
 Top. Am I ? 
 
 Mrs. T. You know you are ! 
 
 Top. {aside) Well, as there seems to be but one opinion 
 on the subject, I suppose I am ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Come, sir — no prevarication. Y r ou understand 
 me. 
 
 Top. Why, there is but one thing which prevents my 
 understanding you, thoroughly, and that is, that I haven't 
 the most distant idea what you mean ! 
 
 Mrs. T. For shame! my portrait, sir — where is it, sir r 
 Give it to me, sir ! 
 
 Top. What, in order that you may make a present of it 
 to your youthful admirer ! 
 
 Mrs. T. My youthful admirer ! 
 
 Top. Yes, the dashing young man with the dark brown 
 curly hair — ah ! 
 
 Mrs. T. {aside) Can't conceive what he means, {aloud) 
 Well, sir, why not ? At any rate, he has as much right 
 to it as your poor deluded victim. 
 
 Top. My deluded victim ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Yes, sir. The thin young woman, with the 
 dark brown ringlets — ah ! 
 
 Top. {aside) Don't understand a bit ! {aloud) Well, 
 madam, as you say, why not ? I adore slim young woman 
 with dark brown ringlets. There's one for you ! 
 
 Mrs. T. And I doat upon dashing young men, with 
 dark brown hair. There's one for you ! 
 
 Top. There's but one thing to be done. I propose an 
 immediate separation. 
 
 Mrs. T. And I claim a separate maintenance! 
 
 Top. Agreed! We'll have the deeds draAvn up in- 
 stantly, and share the expenses. I'll find pens, and ink, 
 and paper ! 
 
 Mrs. T. And I'll run for the lawyer. Runs off, c. to l. 
 
 Top. Now, then, to bring matters to a crisis. 
 
 {sits at table, opens writing desk, and begins pulling 
 things out of it. — Enter Toddle, l. d. 1 E, 
 
MY WIFE S SECOND ELOOR. ZO 
 
 Todd. Holloa! what's old Spicey at now? (crosses 
 behind to opposite side of table, and giving it a shake) I 
 say, sir — 
 
 Top. Well, what do you want ? 
 
 Todd. What do I want ? (shaking table again) Why, I 
 want to know how dare you rummage my writing desk 
 about ? [violently shaking table) 
 
 Top. Your writing desk! — your apartments — your 
 Fanny ! Zounds, sir, I don't feel inclined to stand this 
 sort of thing any longer ! 
 
 Todd. No more do I, sir, if you come to that ' 
 
 Top. In a word, young man, I am Captain Tristram 
 Topheavy, the husband of Mrs. Topheavy ! 
 
 Todd Ha, ha ! Come, 'pon my life, that isn't a bad 
 idea of yours, (patting him on the shoulder) 
 
 Top. What do you mean ? 
 
 Todd. Why, I see but one objection to your being the 
 husband of Mrs. Topheavy, and that is, that the lady in 
 / question happens to be a widow — ha, ha ! so try again, 
 ' Captain Tristram Topheavy- — ha, ha ! 
 
 Fanny, (at o. d., overhearing) Did I hear right ? Cap- 
 tain Tristram Topheavy — my dear godpapa, that I never 
 hoped to meet again, (aloud, and running to Topheavy) 
 Oh, sir, I can't speak for joy — I'm so happy — so— (fling- 
 ing her arms around Topheavy) 
 
 Todd. Holloa ! holloa ! 
 
 Fanny. What ! won't you give Fanny Maylove a kiss ? 
 
 Top. Eh — what ? Fanny Maylove, my own little 
 Fanny ! Come to my arms ! 
 
 Todd, ((jetting between them) Before my eyes! Pooh, 
 pooh ! I won't allow it ! 
 
 Top. Get out of my way ! 
 
 Fanny. Yes, young man, get out of my way! (Top- 
 I. heavy and Fanny embrace. — Enter Mrs. Topheavy, 
 r. followed by Jacob.) 
 
 Mrs. T. Bravo ! bravo ! Oh, it's too much — support 
 me ! (falling into Toddle's arms) 
 
 Top. Zounds, I can't stand that ! (drags Toddle away) 
 
 Jacob, (aside) Here's another row ! 
 
 Mrs. T. Never mind, I'll be revenged ! 
 
 Todd. So will I. We'll both be revenged, widow ! 
 
M 
 
 24 my wife's second floor. 
 
 Tor. Widow ! pooh ! she's not a widow! 
 
 Mrs. T. I wish [ was ! 
 
 Top. There — there's a pretty speech to make to a 
 husband ! 
 
 Todd, (to Mrs. T.) What ! is old Spicey your husband ? 
 
 Tor. Spicey be d— d ! I tell you I'm Captain Tristram 
 Topheavy, this infatuated female's husband — 
 
 Fanny, (l. c.) And my dear, dear godpapa! 
 
 Mrs. T. Your godpapa i (crosses, c.) Oh, do say it 
 again! Then this likeness of me — [showing miniature) — 
 which my Tristram gave you — 
 
 Fanny. He didn't give it me at all — I found it in that 
 writing desk, and thinking it belonged to Mr. Toddle — 
 
 Top. But why— why should you think it belonged to 
 Mr. Toddle ? 
 
 Fanny. Why, this being his second floor — 
 
 Top. His second floor ! You mean my wife's second floor. 
 
 Mrs. T. No such thing ! I let it this morning to Mr. 
 Toddle, (to Fanny.) So then, after all, it is Mr Toddl 
 that loves you to distraction ? 
 
 Todd, Of course it is ! 
 
 Top. Then you're not in love with my wife r 
 
 Todd. Of course not. 
 
 Top. And she's not your Fanny ? 
 
 Todd. No, this is my Fanny, (they embrace) 
 
 Top. Ha, ha ! Huzza ! then its all right after all ! 
 
 All. To be sure it is. 
 
 Jacob. Oh ! so you've found that out at last, have you ? 
 Why. I could have told you this an hour ago. He, he, he ' 
 
 Top. Then why didn't you, you rascal ? 
 
 All. Yes, why didn't you ? 
 
 Jacob. Me ! Just as if I was" going to say anything about 
 it. No, no.- You don't know me — but I flatter mysel 
 you do. -(to the Audience) Did I ever give you any infor- 
 mation ? (a pause) I thought not. Ain't I a man to be 
 trusted ? (a pause, ami look) 1 thought so. Then take 
 ' example by me, and if, in spite of our endeavours to amuse 
 anything should have gone wrong, be like me, Close, ?-' 
 don't say a word about it ! 
 
 R. L. 
 
 CURTAIN. 
 
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