LORD 
 
 POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 A COMEDY-D^AMA 
 
 In Fmir Acts 
 
 By RENARD FALCA. 
 
 Jf 
 
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 DEC 14 1897 
 
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LORD 
 
 POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 A COMEDY-DRAMA 
 In Four Acts 
 
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 By RENARD FALCA. il*-e 
 
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 Entered according to Act of 
 Congress, in the year 18yj 
 by Frank J. Mc Grath in 
 the office of the Librarian of 
 Congress, Washington, D. C. 
 
 Copyright iSyj. 
 
 All rights reserved. 
 
 Entered ad Stationer's Hall. 
 

 CO 
 
 Yfie persons of ffie ^fay. 
 
 LORD COURTLAND POVERTY. 
 
 JONATHAN RUSHFOOT. 
 
 JOHN RANDOLPH ROBINS JR. (Jack). 
 
 GEORGE MABY. 
 
 SIGNIOR SIRAO. 
 
 MR. GOWER. 
 
 MAXEY. 
 
 TAYLOR. 
 
 MRS. SMILE. 
 
 MRS. MABY. 
 
 HELEN RUSHFOOT (her sisteT). 
 
 EFFIE REVERE. 
 
 MISS BENSON. 
 
 BULLOCK. 
 
 Messenger, Reporters, Constable 
 etc. etc. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Time: 'During discussion of the Arbitration Treaty in the United States Senate . 
 
 THE FIRST ACT. 
 
 The Scene is a room, in apartment on ground floor of Maby 
 Building, Dorchester Oaks, England. Jin apartment tem- 
 porarily occupied by the Anglo-American Arbitration League. 
 
 Signor Sirao has possession of the room, for the purpose of 
 exhibiting u Van Elfins Teace." On the right is a door leading 
 into reception room, that communicates, it is supposed, with 
 large room used as a banqueting hall, and that in turn, leads 
 into ball room. Over the door hangs a portiere, drawn aside. 
 On the left is an arched entrance opening, it is supposed, into 
 small hall that communicates with main hall of building. The 
 reception room to the right also communicates , it is supposed, with 
 small hall. On the left is a door leading, it is supposed into 
 empty room. Facing the audience is a large painting in massive 
 gilt frame. The canvas is concealed by rich crimson curtains, 
 draivn, and fastened by locked clasps. Jlbove the painting is a 
 row of gas jets with reflectors to illuminate the canvas. To the 
 right of large painting hang portraits o/George Washington and 
 Richard Olney, and to the left, portraits of George the Third 
 and Lord Salisbury. American and English colors decorate 
 the walls. Tables chairs, large swivelled mirror, &c, &c, 
 are on the scene. Mrs. Smile appears at right, stands for a 
 moment as though addressing some one behind her. Clapping 
 of hands, and other evidences of applause, heard behind the 
 scene. Enters Mrs. Smile. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (iA tall, handsome, well bred woman 
 about thirty two ; with charming manner, but at heart, a jea- 
 lous, revengeful hypocrite; slopping at nothing to accomplish 
 her purpose.) The violence of colonel Rushfoot's, oratory 
 
6 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 is deafning! Come! Let us see the painting. (Gower ap- 
 pears at entrance.) Sirao will be here in a moment to 
 draw the curtains. Such screaching ! (Enters Gower). 
 
 Gower. - (A substantial, good looking Englishman oj forty). 
 But there's sense in the colonel's noise. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Possibly. (Yankee Doodle heard behind 
 scene.) 
 
 Gower. — (Looks toward painting.) The colonel is a 
 fine chap. He's for arbitration between England and the 
 States. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Laughs ironically .)Why Gordon, are you 
 too suffering with Yankee smite ? 
 
 Gower. — (Earnestly.) I'm for arbitration with our 
 American cousins. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Ha! ha! ha! This American cousin epi- 
 demic may elect Maby to parliament. 
 
 Gower. — Quite so. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Assertively.) He was beaten at the last 
 election. 
 
 Gower. — Ah ! but this is a bye-election. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (With spirit.) I wish I were a man ! 
 
 Gow r er. — I don't, considering the fact that I'm soon 
 to marry you. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Without heeding Gowers' last remark.) 
 Fed tell the members of the Anglo-American Arbitration 
 League, that they were fools ! 
 
 Gower (Smiling). — They might be uncivil and con- 
 tradict you. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Who organized this league, who's 
 paid ten thousand pounds for this painting (Pointing to 
 Painting) that on the nineteenth, the league accepts 
 amid imposing ceremonies — and more Yankee Doodle 
 — and cheers for Uncle Sam and Arbitration? George 
 Maby ! and why ? He wants a seat in parliament — 
 this English husband of Mrs. Rushfoot — Maby, daughter 
 of the great Yankee mine owner, and millionaire, but 
 once ha! ha! ha!— a Texas cow-boy. 
 
 Gower. — Here, here, here! (Laughs). 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Who of late has been giving grand din- 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 ners, proclaiming her feasts aloud, like the farmer from 
 his barn door with a peck of corn under his arm, who 
 calls — chick, chick, chick. — Mrs. Rushfoot — Maby! 
 (Laughs). How the society electors, the social pullets, 
 the old hens and ogleing cocks spread their wings and 
 run with cackling joy, when they henr chick, chick, chick 
 from the porch of Devon House. Soon Dorchester Oaks 
 will be summoned to Madam Maby's generous spreads to 
 the tune of Yankee Doodle. Does this woman throw her 
 vulgar revenue about her for nothing? No! she has 
 decreed for her English husband a parliamentary career. 
 (Laughs.) Who knows ? She may yet buy him a coronet. 
 And do you know, these people have invited His Royal 
 Highness, the Prince of Wales to their Celebration ? Such 
 audacity ! 
 
 Gower. — By Jove Lizzie, if you were a man. 
 
 Mrs. Smile (Interrupting). — I'd thwart the designs 
 of this Yankee woman. 
 
 Gower. — But she's fond of you. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — She ought to be. At school in London, 
 I loved her as a sister, and I continued to love her up to the 
 day of my husbands bankruptcy, three months before 
 his death. See how she has repaid my devotion ! By a 
 nod, she could have snatched him from the vortex of 
 insolvency. My tears moved her not. She had a mo- 
 tive ! 
 
 Gower. — A motive ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Yes! The social life of Dorchester 
 Oaks, was too circumscribed for her to share its first 
 honors with even her dearest friend. (Laughing.) How 
 I do rave when I think ! 
 
 Gower (Goes to right; looks into drawing room). — That's 
 right, forget it. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Aside.) Yes, when I'm your wife and 
 am again in a social position to jostle Mrs. Moneybags 
 with a strong elbow. 
 
 Gower. — Hallo! here's Lord Poverty surrounded by 
 the — 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Interrupting.) Yankees of Devon House. 
 
8 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Gower. — By the Rushfoots and the Mabys. He's got 
 his top coat on. Can it be possible. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — {Interrupting). What ? 
 
 Gower. — That he's going home ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Ha, ha, ha! Not while there's any 
 waltzing in the neighborhood. 
 
 Gower. — He's a fine waltzer. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Yes, and he plays the picolo. (Laughs.) 
 The Rushfoots admire him no doubt, because of his 
 grace and musical talents. 
 
 Gower. — Especially the latter. Their admiration for 
 the picalo — 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Interrupting). Overcomes their supreme 
 repugnance to his title, and the accident of his high birth. 
 (Both Laugh). 
 
 Gower. — By the way, Helen Rushfoot is pretty. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Indifferently.) Yes, but impertinant and 
 slangy. 
 
 Gower. — And rich. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Ten thousand a year in her own right. 
 
 Gower. — The latter fact accounts for Poverty's break 
 with the new organist. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Miss Revere? 
 
 Gower. — Yes, he's given her up. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Nonsense! (Looks at Gower, ,)What do you 
 suppose ! last Wednesday evening at twilight, while driv- 
 ing in the direction of Poverty Castle I heard, as I ap- 
 proached the ruined tower a picalo duet. 
 
 Gower. — • A picalo duet! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — A picalo duet, and who do you suppose 
 was accompanying his lordship ? 
 
 Gower. — Who ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. ■ — The organist. Miss Revere. She (With 
 a smile) plays the picalo. 
 
 Gower. — Learned it, no doubt, to please his lord- 
 ship. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Certainly! And what do you suppose 
 they were playing; this matter of fact heavy w r itted, 
 impassive Poverty and the shy, dreamy organist, whom 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 9 
 
 he's given up, Kling's Two Little Finches. (They laugh.) 
 
 Gower. — Who in the devil is Miss Revere, any- 
 way ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Nobody knows, but the parson, her 
 guardian; and who ever heard of his telling anything? 
 
 Gower. — She's an American. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — That's true. She came when "a child 
 from Colorado to London, where she w T as educated. 
 
 Gower. — Then his lordship hasn't given her up ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — No, he still toys with her. 
 
 Gower. — He'd better be careful. Lady Hamilton will 
 disinherit him. 
 
 • Mrs. Smile. — She's got to do it before the twentieth, 
 otherwise it won't be in her power. 
 
 Gower. — That I've been told, but don't understand. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — One of the conditions of her own in- 
 heritance was this ; to effectually cut Lord Poverty oft 
 from the full enjoyments of Heatherstone, its rents and 
 other emoluments, she was to do it, by testimentary de- 
 cree, on or before her sixtieth birth day. 
 
 Gower. — I see she becomes sixty on the twentieth. 
 (Enters Sirao from left.) 
 
 Sirao. — cA small dark clean shaven Italian Jew. Nervous, 
 and polite; has a habit, when excited, of drawing his mouth 
 to one side and inhaling the air through his closed teeth, mak- 
 ing an andible sound. Wears a dress suit. Has a dark 
 top coat on, left pocket of which is torn exposing white lining. 
 His shirt front is badly rumpled. 'Presents unmistakable 
 evidences of having been in a struggle.) Pardon, madame, 
 I was detained. My son was out of the building with my 
 keys in his pocket. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Your son Maxey ? 
 
 Sirao. — Yes madam. My step-son Maxey. (Goes to 
 door at left and locks it.) Her's a bad boy, madam. 
 
 Gower. — Has he assaulted you ? 
 
 Sirao. — (Laughs. )We had a little struggle. (^Approaching 
 painting.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. - — I'm sorry to trouble you, Signior. 
 
 Sirao. — Delighted, madam ! I drew and locked the 
 
10 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 curtains, (Adjusts reflectors, turns on gas and unlocks clasps 
 of curtains) when the ladies and gentlemen entered the 
 banqueting hall. The room was packed; all were delight- 
 ed with the great painting (Draws curtains). 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Beautiful ! 
 
 Gower. — Grand, by Love ! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — It's sublime! 
 
 Sirao. — (Looks in direction of left entrance, as though ex- 
 pecting some one.) " Van Elfins Peace." (In impressive tones). 
 The greatest work of this century. The anxious dream 
 of philanthropy, becalmed and materialized. A petition to 
 humanity to forgo the logic of blood and iron, and cleave 
 to the faith of arbitration. (Enters Taylor at right.) 
 
 Taylor (<A servant). — Please (To Gower.) Sir (Vowing) 
 and Madam, the opening. (fBoius and retires, right.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — {To Gower.) Come! (To Sirao.) We will 
 return later, Signior. (Goes to left, followed by Gower.) 
 Thank you. (To Gower.) Let us enter the ball room from 
 the main hall. 
 
 Gower. — It's a grand painting! (Exeunt Mrs. Smile 
 and Gower.) 
 
 Sirao. — (Reflects, looks at his shirt front.) Maxey is a 
 young tiger. (Puts keys into coat pocket, they fall to the floor.) 
 He's (Sees torn coat for first time.) a devil, a devil! (En- 
 raged.) Next time I'll choke him worse, the (Taking oflj 
 his coat and laying it on the table.) damm — devil ! Leaves 
 my door open! (Looks in direction of door to right.) Takes 
 my keys and leaves the building without my permission. 
 (Looks about him.) If any one saw the other Van Elfin, I'd 
 be ruined. (Looks in direction of door.) Leaves my door 
 unlocked, the devil ! I must get out of this town ! (Con- 
 templates painting.) The copy is an improvment on the 
 original. (Sees Maxey, who appears at left with hat on and 
 small grip sack in his hand.) He's going to run away. 
 (Maxey disappears.) Maxey! Maxey! Forna indietro ; Forna 
 indietro. (Come back! come back!) Non hai denaro! (You 
 have no money .) He's going! (Alarmed.) He must'nt— T need 
 him. He must help me get the original back to London! 
 (Calls.) Forna indietro! (Come back! To himself.) I'm 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 11 
 
 a fool to have quarreled with the boy. He may talk. (Exit 
 left. Helen Rushfoot appears at right. Looks cautiously from 
 entrance.) 
 
 Helen (Pretty blond of eighteen. Low voice). — I must see 
 Jack tonight (Enters). No one here? Just what I thought. 
 As soon as Miss Revere comes she must guard that entrance, 
 (Looks toivard right.) while I'll work the telephone and 
 keep my eye in this direction. (Goes to left and looks into 
 hall.) Oh dear! I wish I had Jack on the other end (Looks 
 at telephone) of that wire. Why don't Effie come ? Time 
 is precious ! I won't wait. (%ings telephone. The hammer 
 strikes gong violently. She retreats in alarm.) The spiteful 
 thing! (Her call is answered.) The/ ve answered, Til 
 muffle the bell. (Tuts handkerchief betiveen hammer and 
 gong.) Oh dear! (Over phone.) Give me the Royal George 
 Inn. (Aside, as she listens.) Poor Jack! across the road — 
 in a foreign land — among strangers— in the hotel. {Over 
 phone.) Is this the Royal George? It is? Please find Mr. 
 Randolph, and ask him to step to the telephone. (Listens.) 
 What? (Listens.) You'll hold the phone and ring me up. 
 (Listens.) Thank you! (Hangs phone.) Why don't Effie 
 come. (Looks about her for a moment, and then advances to 
 mirror. Throws her train out, takes few steps to get effect. 
 Switches train about and steps in opposite direction . During 
 these, and other maneuvers, she continues her lines at con- 
 venient intervals.) She — knows — I'm dying — to see Jack. 
 I've told her — everything — Effie's in love too. She'll ad- 
 mit it some day. (Reflects.) I wonder who her lover is? 
 (Enters Effie Revere.) 
 
 Effie (Beautiful brunette of eighteen). — My! I'm afraid. 
 
 Helen. — - Of what? 
 
 Effie. — That you're going to be indiscreet. 
 
 Helen. — I'm use to it. It's my strong point, Jack 
 says. I've called the inn up, they're after Jack. 
 
 Effie. -— My! You have ? 
 
 Helen. — Yes. 
 
 Effie. — Are you sure Helen—? 
 
 Helen (Interrupting). — Of what? 
 
 Effie. — That you're not doing wrong ? 
 
12 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Helen. — I'm only scheming to see my Jack. 
 
 Effie. — Yes, but your father. 
 
 Helen (Interrupting). — He's scheming himself. 
 
 Effie. — To accomplish what? 
 
 Helen. — To elect brother George to parliament. Giv- 
 ing the English Arbitration taffy, and they're scheming in 
 return working the American cousin racket, (Seriously.) 
 to get my dear country into trouble. What's Arbitra- 
 tion or a seat in parliament anyway, compared to jacks' 
 love? (Taking letter from her bosom.) Dear boy! (Kisses 
 it.) This is his last letter to me. (Sorrowfully.) Written 
 in awful anguish. 
 
 Effie. — When did he write it ? 
 
 Helen. — The day he learned, that I'd been hustled 
 into exile on account of him. Shall I read it? 
 
 Effie. — Please do. 
 
 Helen (T{eads). — cc My Prize Angel. (Almost in tears.) 
 Say, that orthodox, straight-laced, thin haired, she-pro- 
 fessor of the Fifth Avenue Ladies Seminary suys that you 
 were crowded abroad by your indignant father, on learn- 
 ing of our secret correspondence, and surreptitious meet- 
 ings. Neither your father, nor that Vassa-tainted old 
 spinster, can break up the combine. 
 
 I sail by the next steamer. Your only Jack.' 
 
 Effie. — The combine! What's that? 
 
 Helen. — Our consolidated hearts! 
 
 Effie. — How poetic! 
 
 Helen. — Is your admirer poetical? 
 
 Effie (Shaking her head). — No, but he's fond of music, 
 and he's the finest waltzer in Dorchester Oaks. 
 
 Helen. — Is he at the hop? 
 
 Effie. — Yes. 
 
 Helen (Laughing). - Now Miss Awfully-afraid and 
 Never-tell beauty, 111 find out who your mash is. 
 
 Effie (kAI armed). — How? 
 
 Helen (Laughing). — I'll watch the dancers. 
 
 Effie. — He's not going to dance tonight. 
 
 Helen. — Oh Effie. That's mean. Why? 
 
 Effie. — Because his foot troubles him. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 13 
 
 Helen. — Do you love him? 
 
 Effie. — I don't dare to. I don't understand him. He's 
 awfully odd. At times I think he hasn't a heart. He 
 hasn't the least sentiment. He's blunt, and matter of 
 fact. 
 
 Helen. — Has he proposed? 
 
 Effie. — Almost — one day. Oh wasn't I frightend! 
 (Telephone rings.) 
 
 Helen. — There's Jack! 
 
 Effie. - My! Oh dear! But I'll watch. 
 
 Helen {Jit telephone). — Yes? {Listens Expresses her recog- 
 nition of Jack's voice by apparent agitation.) Oh, Jack I'm 
 so glad to see you ! {Listens.) What ? Oh Jack I'm dy- 
 ing Jack — {Listens) I don't see you ? But Jack, I'm dying 
 — {Listens.) What? {Listens.) Some one may overhear 
 me? (To Effie.) I didn't think of that. {Over phone affect- 
 ing a masculine voice.) Say Randolph, the Anglo-American 
 Arbitration League is giving a hop in the building opposite 
 your hotel; come over. (Listens.) No ticket ? That don't 
 matter. Come over. Unknown in Americans in dress suits 
 are having a soft snap all over England, these days. 
 You have n't a dress suit, your trunk has not arrived? 
 {Voices heard in reception room.) 
 
 Effie. — Some one coming! Helen! Quick, quick! 
 
 Helen. — {Over phone). — Jack, Jack! Listen! Get a suit 
 and come to room where picture is on exhibition. {Listens.) 
 What — meet you at entrance ? 
 
 Effie. — Oh, Helen you're mad ! Some one is com- 
 ing! 
 
 Helen. — Some one is coming, Jack! Good bye! 
 {Hangs phone.) 
 
 Effie. — My ! {Hurries to left.) Come ! {Exit.) 
 
 Helen. — But Jack has n't a dress suit. The campaign 
 has opened! {Exit. 
 
 Enters Rushfoot and Maby smoking.) 
 
 Rushfoot — {A tall, slim, wirey man, about fifty five : 
 has dark, piercing, snapping eyes, smooth face, long thick, 
 black, Indian hair, that's cut strait around, and falls just to 
 his coat collar. Has a habit of projecting his lower lip up- 
 
14 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 wards. When excited, he tarns his head with such rapidity, 
 that his hair switches about, and at times, into his face, 
 ivhen he throws it bach, over his ears, with a quick, jerky 
 motion. In temper, he gesticulates with great fierceness. Is 
 nervously polite, and at times theatrical. Though the features 
 of his face are seldom in repose, he has a kind look and often 
 smiles.) 
 
 Just a few puffs in the corridor. 
 
 Maby. — Arbitration with the States will be a great 
 thing for England. 
 
 Rushfoot. — That's right. Sure, England wants Arbi- 
 tration. She wants it badly. She needs it in her busi- 
 ness. 
 
 Maby. — Colonel, why dont you talk seriously ? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Never was more serious in my life ! 
 
 Maby. — {Earnestly.) Are you, or are you not, in favor of 
 Arbitration? 
 
 Rushfoot. — {Confidentially.) Well George, away down 
 in the thirteenth level, I'm like the Administration sena- 
 tors, who vote for the bill, praying to God it won't 
 pass. I'm playing Englands game. 'Tis all politics with 
 me. I'm trying to elect you to Parliament. {Exeunt Rush- 
 foot and Maby left.) 
 
 Helen — (fPeeping around corner of right entrance). Gone! 
 (Enters.) — Now to see Jack! He told me to meet him at 
 the front entrance, and I'll do it. We've agreed to obey 
 each other without a murmer. 'Tis the way to preserve 
 the combine, so Jack says. (Looks out left entrance.) Think 
 of it; so near and yet so far! (Looks at her gown.) This 
 dress is so conspicuous. (Looks out again.) The coast is 
 clear. (Looks at gown again.) I wish 1 had a dark wrap. 
 (See's Siraos coat, and hat.) Whose coat is this? I'll put 
 it on. (Puts coat on, gathers her skirts about her; goes to mir- 
 ror.) I'm safe. No one will recognize me. (Tuts hat on.) 
 I'm off! {Exit left, affecting man's stride. Enters Taylor 
 from right with an armful 1 of coats. Throws them on the 
 table ) 
 
 Taylor. — Hi siy! These 'ere (Wiping his face with 
 handkerchief.} Arbitration gentlemen will have to build a 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 15 
 
 larger coat room, hif they give many more 'ops. Hue! 
 hue! (Wiping his face again.') Now if the art chap don't 
 object, I'll turn his quarters hinto a coat room hannex. 
 Ff he does object, I'll getMaxey to give him another bout, 
 like the one he gave him around the corner a few minutes 
 ago. Ha, ha, ha, the young Italian is a scratcher! The 
 old chap don't treat him right. He's pounding hand 
 abeating hof him all the time. Maxey his a good honest 
 lad so every one says. Now for a few more bob! 
 (Shakes coin in his pocket. Noise in hall, left entrance. 
 Exit right. Enters Lord Poverty, Helen clinging to his arm. 
 Siraos hat is pulled down on her head. She holds skirts of 
 overcoat tightly to prevent her dress from falling, causing coat 
 to bunch out behind in an odd fashion.) 
 
 Helen (Surpressing her alarm). — Oh Lord Poverty, (Rol- 
 ling her eyes.) you've saved me from an awful fate ! 
 
 Poverty. — (Jin angular Englishman, about twenty six. 
 Is cleanly shaven, has dark, strait her, brushed close to his 
 head, and parted in the middle. Pronounced features, with 
 absolute immobility of expression. ^Precipitous in speech, with 
 jerky, strong, ascending intonation from the first word of a 
 sentence, to nearly its close. When, though his tone becomes 
 less pronounced, it still rises to a close that's always abrupt. 
 While apparently cold, he's possessed of a warm heart and 
 beneath, what appears to be an almost stupid mind, is quick 
 perception, and good sense.) Fancy! 
 
 Helen (Confidentially). — I'm wildly romantic, but keep 
 quiet about it ! (Removes hat and coat.) 
 
 Poverty. — Quiet — of course ! Where were you 
 going? 
 
 Helen . — I longed to catch a glimpse of an alien night 
 in a foggy town. No, no, no, I'm mixed! I was after a 
 breath of the exhilerating gloom of — Oh dear! (fDisgust- 
 ed.~) Lord Poverty! (In matter of fact manner.) I was mak- 
 ing for the front entrance when fortunately I bumped 
 against you, otherwise I would have run right into father's 
 arms. He would have been shocked, shocked. (Aside.) 
 I'll get him to hep Jack with a dress suit. 
 
 Poveny. — Tlhat's it. 
 
16 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Helen {Inquiringly) . — Father was out of the building 
 without his hat. What was he doing ? 
 
 Poverty . — Buying the States . 
 
 Helen . — Buying the States ? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes. The States, your own States. They 
 've made a new map about them. He stepped around 
 the corner. 
 
 Helen. — Oh yes buying a map of the United States. 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. 
 
 Helen (*Aside). — I'll approach the dress suit business 
 gradually and cautiously. (To Poverty. Confidentially.) 
 Father is going to return to America after the nineteenth, 
 you ought to go with him. Father says you saw but little 
 of the United States when you were there before. 
 
 Poverty. — Only a little. Some day I'll take a new 
 look at the States. Of course — why not. But you see 
 I'm waiting. 
 
 Helen. — Waiting? (tAside) That reminds me so is 
 Effie. I must see her at once. (To Toverty.) Oh Lord 
 Poverty pardon me a moment, only a moment, I'll come 
 right back. (Exit right.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Reflecting.) I must try me hand at this 
 girl — of course — to keep the peace. Me aunt wants me to 
 marry her. Miss Rushfoot might engage herself to me for 
 a week or two, until after the twentieth, to fool me 
 aunt. I mustn't lose the money and Heatherstone. 
 Heatherstone is a fine asset. (Takes letter from his pocket.) 
 Of course ! (Treads.) " Helen Rushtoot is eligible. Press 
 your addresses earnestly and delicately. Remember the 
 twentieth is at hand. An engagement at once with the 
 American girl will answer. To inherit Heatherstone, you 
 must marry at least five thousand a year.' (Reflects.) 
 That's it — to inherit money I must marry cash. No wed- 
 ding fee, no funeral stuff. Of course- I'll scheme away 
 at the girl — delicately and earnestly— to trick me aunt. 
 (Helen enters right.) 
 
 Helen. — I'm so glad you didn't go, Lord Poverty. You 
 said you were waiting for something before going to the 
 United States. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 17 
 
 Poverty. — Yes, yes! I'm waiting for a little luck, a 
 little grave yard luck. 
 
 Helen. — Grave yard luck ? 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. You see I've an old aunt, who's 
 bothering along with a bit of breath in her, when that leaves 
 her, I'm to have money and Heatherstone, provided I 
 can keep her tricked up to the twentieth of this month. 
 
 Helen. — (Holding her breath with a comical expression 
 of horror.) Lord Poverty: 
 
 Poverty. — (Without noticing Helen s last exclamation.) 
 And then I don't mind doing the States. 
 
 Helen. — (With affected ^indignation^ Your aunt ought 
 not to leave you a dollar. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course the cemetery ticket may prove 
 a blank. If it does I'll jog away to the States anyway — 
 why not? 
 
 Helen. — (Sarcastically.) In search, no doubt, of some 
 American girl with money. 
 
 Poverty. — With money — of course I'd knock about 
 a little for the money — to be sure. 
 
 Helen. — The money! What about the girl? 
 
 Poverty. — The girl -yes, yes — of course — the poor 
 thing — I forgot about her, but the inheritance trick suits 
 me best. 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty, I'm surprised! 
 
 Poverty. — Ah — but it's better. The legacy trick is 
 always the best. In. that case, you see, the money's 
 yours; but when a girl bribes a chap to marry her, she's 
 forever after picking away at his subsidy, begging a pound 
 for this thing, and a shilling for that. 
 
 Helen. — (Solemnly and searchingly .) Then the girl you 
 marry, must have money. 
 
 Poverty. — That's it — I'm forbidden to bother with 
 anything but cash. 
 
 Helen. — And to please Lady Hamilton — 
 
 Poverty. — Not to please her— to get her money. 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty you can never be a triend of 
 mine — (Sorrowfully and looking downward) and I wanted 
 you to be so much. 
 
18 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Poverty. — So much — of course. 
 
 Helen, — I wanted some one to confide in. 
 
 Poverty. — I'll take your confidence — I'll be your 
 friend. 
 
 Helen. — Oh you're so kind! (Approaching Poverty in 
 confidential manner.) Say. (Low voice.} Can a fellow buy 
 a swallow tail in town in ten minutes, right off, just 
 now? 
 
 Poverty. — A swallow tail? 
 
 Helen. — Yes. 
 
 Poverty. — Is that a new American drink? 
 
 Helen. — No, no, It's not a drink! It's a suit of clothes, 
 an evening dress suit, such as you have on. 
 
 Poverty. — Not under ten days. 
 
 Helen. — (In despair.) Lord Poverty I'm in trouble. 
 (Tragically.) Can you realise the sorrow of a young girls 
 agitated bosom? You must help me. 
 
 Poverty. — I may be able to help you to a cocktail — 
 to a swallow-tail — but the agitated bosom — (Looking at 
 Helen.) Are you in love? 
 
 Helen. — (Collecting herself, nods assent.} Yes — but 
 you don't know what it is to be that way. (Nervously 
 working her foot , and looking at her shoe.) 
 
 Poverty. — Who's the chap? 
 
 Helen. — Would you like to meet him? 
 
 Poverty. — Why not? 
 
 Helen. — (Looking upiuards.) But he's away — way — 
 off — across — the — wide, wide — (Looking at Poverty.) Will 
 you never tell? 
 
 Poverty. — Never. 
 
 Helen. — While you live and I live, and Jack lives? 
 
 Poverty. — While anybody lives. 
 
 Helen. — He's away off across the wide, wide street. 
 
 Poverty. — At the hotel? 
 
 Helen. — No, no he's hanging around in front of this 
 building — , without a dress suit on. He has just arrived 
 from America. He's registered at the inn as Jack Ran- 
 dolph, but his real name is Jack Randolph Robins, jr. 
 Father exiled me (Sorrowfully) to prevent me from seeing 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 19 
 
 him, and all because he heard that Jack was wild, but 
 he isn't. (Putting handkerchief to her eyes.) Father has 
 condemned him without a trial, without even, ever hav- 
 ing seen him. Help us Lord Poverty. 
 
 Poverty. — I can't help you. 
 
 Helen. — {Turning her head but with handkerchief still 
 to her eyes.) Why? 
 
 Poverty. — Me own breast is in a bad shape. I'm in 
 love — 
 
 Helen. — You in love? 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. 
 
 Helen. — {With delight.) Oh isn't that nice! (Reflect- 
 ing.) But I understand she's got money. 
 
 Poverty. — No, she's a poor thing. 
 
 Helen . — And you love her in spite of Lady Hamilton . 
 
 Poverty. — I'm to trick me aunt. 
 
 Helen. — (Excitedly.) Do you want help? 
 
 Poverty. — I need. it. 
 
 Helen. — I'll help you. 
 
 Poverty. — Who are you going to trick? 
 
 Helen. — Nobody — I only want you to help me see 
 Jack every day, and get him a swallow tail to — night. What's 
 your girls name ? 
 
 Poverty. — Will you never tell? 
 
 Helen. — Never! 
 
 Poverty. — Until you're dead — while nobody lives ? 
 Remember you're a woman. 
 
 Helen. — {Tragically.) I swear it! What's her name? 
 
 Poverty. — Maloney. 
 
 Helen. — Maloney, what a funny name! What's her 
 full name? 
 
 Poverty. — Effie, Lillian, Maloney, Revere. 
 
 Helen. — Not the chapel organist ? 
 
 Poverty. — Who else? 
 
 Helen. — (<Aside.) Dear Effie. (To Toverty.) Why she's 
 an American ! 
 
 Poverty. — From Colorado. 
 
 Helen. - Oh, Lord Poverty —she's the most beautiful 
 girl in Dorchester Oaks. Does she love you? 
 
20 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Poverty. — I think not. 
 
 Helen. — And you love her. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course, why not? 
 
 Helen. — Can't you find out whether or not she loves 
 you? 
 
 Poverty. — I'm working away at her. 
 
 Helen. — That's the way Jack did to me. 
 
 Poverty. — I'll see Jack. (Reflecting.) I have seen him. 
 
 Helen. — You have? 
 
 Poverty. — A bright young chap talked with me at the 
 entrance. 
 
 Helen. — (Delighted.) That was Jack. What did he 
 say? 
 
 Poverty. — He asked me what was going on inside. I 
 told him. 
 
 Helen. — And then? 
 
 Poverty. — He said he'd have to take the show in 
 that he was a correspondent and art critic of the — some 
 Earth. 
 
 Helen. — Glorious, glorious. (Laughs to herself.) But 
 what a whopper! (^Asiile.) 
 
 Poverty. — The art critic business will keep him knock- 
 ing about you until the nineteenth. 
 
 Helen. — Oh I'm so happy! See Jack right away! 
 
 Poverty. — Give me a line to him. 
 
 Helen. — Pronounce the word " Combine and Jack 
 will be at your feet. See him right away. 
 
 Poverty. — But about me own breast troubles — you 
 must help me. You see if I'm engaged to money before 
 the twentieth Heatherstone is mine. 
 
 Helen. — How can I help you? 
 
 Poverty. — You know Benson ? 
 
 Helen. — Lady Hamilton's maid? 
 
 Poverty. — That's the thing. She's a spy, she's watch- 
 ing us. 
 
 Helen. — Watching us ? 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. She's a bad old hag about the 
 affair. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 21 
 
 Helen. — What affair, and why is she watching 
 me? 
 
 Poverty. — I've told Lady Hamilton that you were 
 mushed — (Helen though horrified laughs.) Isn't it mushed 
 you Americans say ? 
 
 Helen. — No, mashed — and you've told your aunt 
 that I was mashed on you? 
 
 Poverty. — ■ That's it. You see Lady Hamilton wants 
 me to take you over. 
 
 Helen. — Take me orer? 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. On the altar, money, and all, 
 marry you. 
 
 Helen. — Well you can't. No person living can take 
 me — What do you call it ? 
 
 Poverty. ■ — Up — on the Altar. 
 
 Helen. — Up, over or down on the altar, but Jack 
 Randolph Robins jr, of New York City. 
 
 Poverty. — Me aunt don't know that. If she thinks 
 I've got a show for your money, she'll not disinherit 
 me. 
 
 Helen . — Oh, Lord Poverty the idea of saying that 
 I w^as mashed on you. (^Aside.) He's got more cheek 
 than Jack. 
 
 Poverty. — You see I'm after Heatherstone. It's a 
 "iine asset. 
 
 Helen . - — So you are scheming ? 
 
 Poverty . — That's it — for Maloney mo»ey and Heath- 
 erstone. Can't you try me until the twentieth? Agree 
 to marry me, as a joke. 
 
 Helen. — Oh Lord Poverty, I couldn't! (Laughs.) 
 
 Poverty. — Ah, but you must. 
 
 Helen. — (Laughs.) The idea! 
 
 Poverty. — Have me. Of course — why not? 
 
 Helen. — I'll think about it. (Laughs.) 
 
 Poverty. — Whenever Benson is about, be mushed- 
 mashed on me. You see, between Lady Hamilton and 
 Benson, they're trying to force Maloney away from 
 me. 
 
 Helen * — Does Effie know it? 
 
22 lord poverty's assets 
 
 Poverty. — No. 
 
 Helen. — Poor girl. Lord Poverty please see Jack 
 right away. 
 
 Poverty. — Right away ! (Going toward left.) 
 
 Helen. — Don't forget the swallow tail. 
 
 Poverty. — And remember our engagement. 
 . Helen. — Will you do everything to help Jack and 
 me? 
 
 Poverty. — Why not? 
 
 Helen. — Then it's a bargain! (Laughs.) Is n't it 
 funny. But you must n't tell Jack. He's aw fully jealous 
 at times. (Rushfoots voice heard in hall at left. Poverty 
 looks out.) 
 
 Poverty. — The Colonel ! 
 
 Helen. — Who's with him? 
 
 Poverty. — Jack — of the Earth. 
 
 Helen. — (Jilarmed). Jack? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes, the critic. 
 
 Helen. — (Hurrying to right followed by Poverty.) Jack 
 and father together ! 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. (Exeunt Helen and Poverty 
 right. Enter Rushfoot and Jack left.) 
 
 Jack. — (*A handsome young man about twenty one. 'De- 
 monstratively.) As I was saying, as an American you 
 see my awful position. I'm herewith positive instructions 
 to write up the hop (Looking at the painting.) and to size 
 up the — artistic— merits of — this — (Hesitates and points.) 
 thing here. The artistic business I can do to morrow. 
 But the hop Sir I must he present at the hop on the 
 floor — a part of it — a joyous fragment of the gliding 
 throng. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Reflecting.) And you can't get a dress 
 suit ? 
 
 Jack. — No where. 
 
 Rushfoot. — And they won't let you on the floor with- 
 out one ? 
 
 Jack. ~ Not a foot ! Think of it ! Because my vest 
 isn't cut that way, (Turning his vest low and exposing his 
 shirt front.) and my coat this, (Turning the skirt oj his coat 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 23 
 
 in.) I'm stood off— prevented from doing my duty — my 
 bread and butter jeopardized (Looks at Rushfoot.) What 
 size coat do you wear, Mr.™ ? Let me see, what is your 
 name? 
 
 Rushfoot. ■ — {Half indignant yet smiling.) Rushfoot — 
 Colonel Rushfoot. 
 
 Jack. - — (^Alarmed and aside.) Great Scott! But I'll 
 not weaken. (To TZjishfoot.) Say Colonel, in this emer- 
 gency, when my bread is imperilled, my butter threatened, 
 couldn't you ? (Aroused by the idea.) Hold on Colonel ! 
 Not a word — I've got an idea. My vest must be turned 
 down so, (Illustrating .) My coat cut off so. (Illustrating.) 
 Hurrah! I'll thwart the designs against the only things I 
 love— my bread and butter. Say Colonel, have you a 
 knife or a pair of shears in your pocket ? 
 
 Rushfoot. — No, I don't happen to have even the 
 shears. (Laughs.) 
 
 Jack. — (Discovers shears on table.) Here's a pair. 
 Good ! (Takes off his coat puts it on table, cuts front of skirts 
 off. Pins part of vest down exposing skirt front. Takes off 
 necktie, examines it, find it wont do. 'Pulls out white lin- 
 ing' that answers purpose. Turns swivelled mirrow around 
 concealing all but his head, and dresses. Continuing his lines 
 during process of cutting coal and dressing.) You're an 
 American ? 
 
 Rushfoot. •— Yes. 
 
 Jack. — That's great! I knew you were. {Looking at 
 %tishfoot.) Hallo ! You're Rushfoot the great mine owner, 
 Colonel Rushfoot of Colorado. You own the Slopper of 
 Cripple Creek. 
 
 Rushfoot. — One of the owners. 
 
 Jack. — Why do you call it the Slopper? 
 
 Rushfoot. — • (<Aside ) This young man is too fresh. 
 (To Jack.) It's so full of gold, that every time it's struck 
 with a pick the bullion slops over, and falls into the 
 dividend buckets. 
 
 Jack. — ■ {Aside.) He's guying me. (To Rushfoot.) Say 
 Colonel I own a few shares of Slopper Extension. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Keep them— keep them — my boyl We're 
 
24 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 liable to strike it rich on the Extension any day. (Aside.) 
 That's all that's safe to say to a newspaper man. I must 
 change the subject. (To Jack.) A desperate expedient, 
 (Laughing.) sacrificing that fine coat. 
 
 Jack. — That's no sacrifice for a representative of the 
 Katonah Earth. What's a coat tail to a mans conscience? 
 
 Rushfoot. — The management of the Earth don't expect 
 you to sacrifice the latter. 
 
 Jack. — N — o — of— course not— certainly not, not 
 the Katonah Earth. 
 
 Rushfoot. — The Earth has a great circulation I pre- 
 sume. 
 
 Jack. — Three thousand tons a day. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Tons! Oh yes, Ha, ha, ha, modern jour- 
 nalism. Your press consumes three thousand tons of 
 paper daily. 
 
 Jack. — Every day. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Good circulation, then ? 
 
 Jack. — Suffers awfully at times. 
 
 Rushfoot. — With what? 
 
 Jack. — Junk-shop congestion. Say Colonel, if I had 
 a pair of white gloves!! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Handing Jack his own.) You can have 
 mine, my modest friend. (Smiles.) 
 
 Jack. — (Taking gloves.) Thanks. Now for a button- 
 naire. A hundred Stoppers for a buttonnaire. Colonel, 
 Colonel! 
 
 Rushfoot. - Well. 
 
 Jack. — Can you spare one of those buds of yours, 
 and just a little of that maiden hair. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Taking a large ivhite chrysanthemum Jrom 
 vase on mantel.) Here's what you need. {Hands it to 
 Jack.) 'Twill temper — (Aside.) the effulgent glare of your 
 expansive cheek. 
 
 Jack. — (Stepping Jrom behind mirror neatly and attrac- 
 tively dressed.) Yours — truly— Jack — Randolph. Are you 
 engaged for the next waltz? (lowing to an imaginary 
 lady. ) 
 
 Ruhsfoot. — (Astonished.) The transformation is mar- 
 
LOUD POVERTY'S ASSETS 25 
 
 vellous. My boy, you're a genius! On my honor— a 
 genius. 
 
 Jack. — Colonel, can't you introduce me to a hand- 
 some young lady ? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Sure. A young man who meets emer- 
 gencies in this manner, deserves to know the fairest. 
 
 Jack. — Thank you Colonel, thank you just present 
 me to — ■ 
 
 Rushfoot. — Either an English or American girl ! 
 
 Jack. — (Reflecting.) A— h— English. No, no, an Ame- 
 rican — I'll be selfish and take the best. 
 
 Rushfoot. — I'll introduce you to my daughter. (Enter 
 Helen and Effie.) 
 
 Jack. — (Aside.) My prize Angel! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To Helen.) Helen? 
 
 Helen. — (Hastens to her fathers side. Takes his arm 
 and looks into his face tenderly and coyly, though excited.) 
 Brother George wants to see you right away. 
 
 Rushfoot. — What's up ? 
 
 Helen. — The Prince of Wales is to be present at the 
 celebration. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Good! Wales is a trump! (Turning to 
 Jack.) A great item for the Earth. (Jack bows.) 
 
 Helen. — And he's to spend the night at Devon House! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To Jack.) Hear that my boy? We're to 
 put Wales up over night, and to feed him. Another 
 item. (nAside.) This fact assures my —son — in- law's elec- 
 tion. (To Jack.) By George you shall meet the Prince. 
 I'll introduce you to — (Looks at Helen.) That reminds me 
 — Mr. Randolph I present you to my daughter, and to 
 Miss Revere. Helen, make it pleasant for this young 
 gentleman, he's an American. (Helen bows zvith great 
 reserve. Effie bows and turn aside to conceal her smiles. Jack 
 bows.) 
 
 Helen. — I shall try. (To Jack.) An American? (Aside.) 
 Isn't he handsome! 
 
 Jack. — (Bowing) From New York. (Aside.) Isn't she 
 a stunner. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Going to right entrance.) I must find George. 
 
26 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 The Prince is a brick! That's right! (Exit Rushfoot. 
 Effie crosses to left. Helen and Jack look at each other a mo- 
 ment, and them rush into each others arms.) 
 
 Jack. — Helen! 
 
 Helen. — Jack! Oh Jack I'm so glad to see you! 
 
 Jack. — {Kissing Helen) Words! words! they're not in 
 it. Actions speak. (Kisses her again.*) Kisses talk! 
 
 Helen. — (With a gesture and look of warning.) We 
 must be cautious. (Jack looks and sees Effie, zvhosc pre- 
 sence he has overlooked.) 
 
 Jack. — Yes we'll defer the kissing. 
 
 Helen. — To a more opportune time. Oh Jack— I'm 
 so — 
 
 Jack. — Restrain yourself Helen for the good of the 
 combine. (A lively walt% is now plainly heard from behind 
 scene.) We can waltz. 
 
 Helen. — Yes the combine can waltz — (Spitefully.) in 
 the face of the whole world. 
 
 Jack. — (Rolls table to right. Helen hurries to Effie.) You 
 bet ! 
 
 Helen. — (To Effie.) Get Lord Poverty, and we'll 
 have a little hop all to ourselves. He's the finest waltzer 
 in Dorchester Oaks. (Laughs.) And he's fond of music. 
 
 Effie. — (Startled.) Who told you? 
 
 Helen. — I know everything. 
 
 Effie. — His foot troubles him. 
 
 Helen. — Find him Effie, find him. 
 
 Effie. — But his toot. 
 
 Helen. — (Jack and Helen walt^ for a moment ,) Oh 
 Jack isn't it glorious. Where did you get your swallow— 
 
 Effie. — (Interrupting.) Let's all look for his lordship. 
 
 Helen. - (To Jack.) Yes, Let's find Lord— (Exeunt 
 right all. Enters Sirao at left.) 
 
 Sirao. — (Excited.) Where's my coat ? {Takes hat and 
 coat.) Maxey is in front of the inn. He must not leave 
 me. I'm afraid of him. He might— yes— I'm afraid of 
 him— I was a fool to choke him." (Turns gas of reflectors 
 low darkening the stage.) I should have waited until I got 
 to Italy. The young devil ! Yes I must coax him back. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 27 
 
 (Exit Sirao left passing Poverty who enters with bundle, 
 throws same on table. Stands for a moment and listens to the 
 walt\. Takes off his overcoat, in so doing, the right s leave 
 catches in cuff link of skirt. He pulls the sleave inside out to 
 the elbow grasps the other sleave in his left hand, and holds it 
 out as though it were the extended arm of a zvaltzing partner. 
 The inside of the overcoat, which is exposed is lined with light 
 colored material, except collar, which is of darker shade. In 
 attempting to remove his overcoat in the first instance a white 
 handkerchief drops to the floor, this he holds in his month 
 and waltzes. In -the subdued light he appea to dance ivith a 
 phantom figure. The conformation of the lining of his overcoat 
 suggest the form of a woman. Enter Helen, Effie and Jack.) 
 
 Helen. — Where can he be? Some one has turned 
 down the light. {Discovers Poverty.) Here's his lordship. 
 
 Effie. — (lAside.) Who's the lady ? (Helen turns up 
 lights.) 
 
 Jack. — One more whirl. 
 
 Helen. — (ToToverty.) Where have you been? 
 
 Poverty. — (Who has ceased to walt^ is now seen in dress 
 suit much to large for him. To Helen. Pointing to bundle on 
 table.) Hustling for Jack. Why not ? (Helen laughs.) I 
 missed the critic, but I got him a cocktail, a swallow tail. 
 
 Helen — (Introducing ^Poverty and Jack.) Mr. Randolph. 
 Lord Poverty. (Jack bows.) 
 
 Poverty. — (To Jack.) Of course ; Of the Earth. 
 
 Jack. — (To Helen.) The combine is waisting time. 
 One more whirl. 
 
 Poverty. — That's it (Helen and Jack walt^. In waltz- 
 ing past left entrance, the formers discovers Benson, who ap- 
 pears at entrance in position, that commands view only of part 
 of stage.) 
 
 Helen. — (To Poverty.) Benson! Benson! 
 
 Poverty. — Change partners! (Change is made without 
 a break in the tvhirl. When out of Tiensoris view, they ex- 
 change partners again, &c, &c. 
 
 Effie. — (To Helen.) Helen let us go. 
 
 Helen. — (Helen beckons to Jack and Effie.) Scoot 
 Jack! scoot! (Exit Effie right, followed by Jack who stands 
 
28 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 for moment unobserved by Helen, zvho with ^Poverty and for 
 Bensons benefit waltzes close to left.) I'm charmed with Eng- 
 land. I never want to leave it. 
 
 Poverty. — {Kissing Helen.) You never shall. (Walt^ 
 ceases music slops.) 
 
 Jack — This is fine! {Enters Benson, Jack retires 
 excited . ) 
 
 Benson. — (*A tali spinster about fifty, bows.) Your 
 lordship. (Hands Poverty a letter - 'Poverty takes letter with- 
 out noticing Benson — The latter retires.) 
 
 Poverty. — {Opening letter and looking after Benson.) She's 
 getting thin. I've killed her Tom. 
 
 Helen . — Her Tom ? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes — cat. A moment, from me aunt. 
 {Reads.) " At dusk last Wednesday evening a picalo duet 
 was heard on terrace of Poverty castle. Who was your 
 musical companion? " {Reflects.) Do you play the picalo? 
 
 Helen. — (Surprised.) I never saw one! 
 
 Poverty. — (Aside.) Then me best asset is gone. 
 
 Helen. — Come Lord Poverty. Jack is waiting. 
 
 Poverty. — (Following Helen to right.) Of course. 
 {Exeunt. Enter Mrs. Smile and Gower left.) 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Excited.) An unusual commotion among 
 the Mabys ! What does it mean ? What new surprise has 
 Mrs. Rushfoot — Hyphen Maby in store for us? 
 
 Gower. — Rushfoot Hyphen Maby — Ha, ha, ha! Hy- 
 phen! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Yes. A Yankee device. The escut- 
 cheon of the social straggler. But why the excitement ? 
 
 Gower. — The Prince of Wales is to be present at the 
 celebration. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Coldly.) That means Mabys election. 
 
 Gower. — Quite so. And his Highness with three 
 members of the royal household is to honor Mrs. Rush- 
 foot Hyphen Maby by a visit to Devon House, where he 
 remains until the afternoon of the twentieth. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Aside, with conflicting emotions.) Damn 
 the Prince of Wales! (To Gower.) This means. 
 
 Gower. — (Interrupting.) My lady Maby. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 29 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — {Latter king bitterly.) If we were only Yan- 
 kees! My lady Maby I {Collecting herself.) My wrap please. 
 'Tis on the chair near the orange plants. I must go. 
 
 Gower. — Are you ill? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Only chilly. (Exit Gower— right.) Ma- 
 lady Maby— entertaining royalty. Its too bad, that Emma 
 has Ion her nasel twang. Her " shants " and V cants 
 would intensify the shop-made grandeur of Devon halls. 
 {Enters Sirao followed by Maxey. Mrs. Smile stands behind 
 
 r.) 
 
 Sirao. — Come Maxey, let us be friends. 
 
 Maxey. — Parli italiano. (Speak Italian.) 
 
 Sirao. — Speak Italian ? No Maxey you understand 
 English. You must learn to talk it. 
 
 Maxey. — Voglio il mio istrumento. (7 want my 
 model.) 
 
 Sirao. — You want your model. Then you're going. 
 
 Maxey. — ({Pointing to side door.) Voglio il mio instru- 
 ment. {I want my model.') 
 
 Sirao. — You want your model ? {Unlocks door and takes 
 small picture frame with painting from room.) Your silly 
 device for framing pictures! You think because you can 
 throw the end of a frame back like that. {Illustrating by 
 throwing back the end of a frame , that swings backwards al- 
 lowing painting to be drawn out at end ivith ease.) And pull 
 a painting out like that — {Illustrating .) 
 
 Maxey. — (Pointing to large painting.) Quale inutile 
 strumento adopera! {The silly device you use.) 
 
 Sirao. — I use your silly device. Yes to please you, 
 you going devil! So you're going to leave your father? 
 
 Maxey. — Lei non e mio! padre. (You re not my 
 father !) 
 
 Sirao. — Not your father! (^Angrily.) No thank God, 
 you — take your model and get out of here. (Throws it 
 violently on floor. Maxey takes it up, and in a violent rage, 
 attempts to drive it through canvas of large painting.) 
 
 Maxey. — Canaglia, guastero il suoginoco. {Til spoil 
 your game, you fiend.) 
 
 Sirao. — Rushes between painting and Maxey.) You'll 
 
30 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 spoil my game? (Conciliatory.) Don't call me a fiend 
 Maxey. You would' nt destroy the great painting, would 
 you ? 
 
 Maxey. — (Hurries to left.) The Van Elfin (Pointing.) 
 is no gooda — copy-copy — I'll talka English I'll talka En- 
 glish to alia manna in town a (Pointing to painting.) A copy 
 — a copy. (Exit Maxey.) 
 
 Sirao. — (Following tMaxey.) I'll kill the devil! (Exit) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Stepping from behind mirror excited.) 
 What does all this mean ? Only a copy! Did anyone 
 hear? (Goes to left. Looks into ball.) No one ! The secret 
 is mine alone. (Enters Gower with wrap) 
 
 Gower. — Yes tis getting chilly. (Helps Mrs. Smile 
 on with wrap.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Yes. 
 
 Gower. — (Looking at pa'niting.) The Van Elfin is 
 grand ! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Sublime ! (Laughing long and loud.) 
 
 Gower. - What are you laughing at ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. The nonsense of my hostility to poor 
 Emma Maby. Poor Emma! (Continues to laugh.) 
 
 END OF FIRST ACT 
 
LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 31 
 
 THE SECOND ACT. 
 
 One week has elapsed between the First and second ^Acts. 
 
 The Scene is the entrance to outer court yard of 
 Poverty castle. To the left is an old building, with arch- 
 ed e7itrance from road in the centre, ter7ninating in a 
 ruined tower tn left back-ground. To the right, amid a 
 growth of evergreen stands a smaller tower, which like 
 the former is roofless and without windows. Connecting 
 these towers in broken outlines is an ancient parapet, elevat- 
 ed slightly from the stage. Again to the right, overhang- 
 ing the driveway which continues from arched entrance, 
 it is supposed, to inner castle yard, are giant trees with 
 leafless and fantastic branches. Farther in the background 
 to the right is a, path, leading, if s supposed, through 
 neglected shrubbery to ruined tower. To the right of 
 arched entrance are stone steps leadi?ig to entrance of old 
 building. On each side of entrance is a nitch, in one 
 stands statue of knight in armor, the other is empty. 
 The building walls, trees and shrubbery suggest neglect 
 and decay. The outlook from the parapet is upon a 
 beautiful country, of woodland and meadows; the whole. 
 Scene bei?ig animated by the gloiv of a rare December 
 sunset. As the curtain rises Poverty and Effie are dis- 
 covered seated at an old stone table, in the background, 
 upon which are bottles, glasses fruit, &c. Jack and Helen 
 stand near arched entrance, Helen is eating an apple and 
 
 \ 
 
32 lord poverty's assets 
 
 holding in her ha?id a large serviette. Jack holds a 
 glass half filled with wine. He is atte)upti?ig to e?igage 
 Helen in a serious conversation; but the latter is too full 
 of merriment to be otherivise than i?idifferent to his 
 mood. 
 
 Jack. — Do you know, I havn't seen you alone one 
 moment, since the night of the hop? 
 
 Helen. — Do I know it, of course I do. 
 
 Jack. — (Seriously.) During the cheerless, black, gloo- 
 my, and wretched days, hours and minutes that have in- 
 tervened between that night and this second, have you 
 had one thought of anything or any person on the earth 
 or in the waters under the earth but of me and the com- 
 bine. 
 
 Helen. — (Tlayfully.) Take a bite. 
 
 Jack. - (Aside.) She dont know that I saw Poverty 
 kiss her. (To Helen.) Helen you dont want to cut the 
 Gordian knot that ties the palpitating cables of our en- 
 tangled souls do you ? 
 
 Helen. — Oh Jack, shut up! (Kisses him with mouthful 
 of apple.) 
 
 Jack. — (/// better spirits.) You do really love. 
 
 Helen. — (Interrupting .) I forgot to tell you, Sirao 
 and Maxey have cleared out. The old c< dago,' got mad 
 because the painting was removed to Devon House with- 
 out his knowledge. Sister is going to ask you, (In merry 
 mocking tone.) the art critic of the Katonah Earth, to hang 
 the great master piece in the new headquarters of the 
 league. (Earnestly.) Be ready to meet the new emergency 
 Jack. 
 
 Jack. — (oAside. Showing his cuffs upon which are writ- 
 ten notes on art.) Fm ready to talk a little art. I've re- 
 corded the points. 
 
 Effie. — (Calling.) Helen, Helen! (The latter joins 
 Effie and Poverty. xAn animated conversation follows. Po- 
 verty points to right.) 
 
 Jack. — (Aside.) Poverty kissed her and she didn't ob- 
 ject. (Shaking his head.) Til keep my month closed and 
 watch . 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 33 
 
 Helen. — (To 'Poverty.) Where is Bullock? 
 
 Poverty. — Keeping his eye on Mrs. Maby and Smile. 
 
 Helen. — They mustn't surprise us. 
 
 Poverty. — They wont have a chance. They're in the 
 inner court. Bullock will signal us. 
 
 Helen. — Won't Sister hear the signal ? 
 
 Poverty. — She'll think it's a cuckoo. 
 
 Effie. — Then Lord Poverty you must keep your prom- 
 ise. 
 
 Helen. — Yes, and make a speech. (Laughs.) 
 
 Jack. — (Joining party at table.) Yes, a speech, a speech! 
 from Lord Poverty. 
 
 All. — Speech, speech ! (Applause and laughter.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Standing and holding glass.) Ladies and 
 — Jack. Let's drink to our candidate. Here's that the votes 
 of today will send Maby to the commons — to get arbitra- 
 tion with the States. 
 
 Helen. — (Interrupting.) In spite of the fox hunt. 
 
 Poverty. — {Looking at Helen.) That's it. In spite of 
 the hunt. The Yankee and the Britisher are cousins, 
 they've been — handed down — in natural order from the 
 — saine great — great— grand-mothers. (Cheers and laughter.) 
 They've the same tongue, why not ! But they wag it 
 at each other too much. They must arbitrate and not 
 fight. What's the use of relations yelling-shooting and 
 jabbing away at each other — 'Tis awkward. Fancy! I'm 
 through. (The ladies , cheer .) 
 
 Effie. — Now Mr. Randolph 'tis your turn. (Cheers?) 
 
 Jack. — (Rising.) My lord and ladies. 
 
 Helen. — Remember Jack, the ears of your country- 
 men are open. 
 
 Jack. — (Seriously.) Even in the glow T ofthis generous 
 December sun set, though wine and lemonade floweth, 
 I must be serious. When England disfranchises her 
 rank old squire, the drawling chump that disgraces her 
 gentry, her hereditary shop man, the jockey, and press 
 idiot; when my country-men shall have to reckon with a 
 government that represents only Englands common people, 
 her enlightened middle class and her ancient nobility, will 
 
34 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 arbitration have the slightest show? {With dignity to Po- 
 verty.) My lord purge your electorate of these afflicted 
 classes, and our jingo senators will vote for an appropria- 
 tion to fill up the Atlantic, so that John Bull can chuck 
 his custom dues across the line for all eternity. (Bellowing 
 of hounds beard.) 
 
 Helen. — Hark! (All listen.) The hounds! (Hurry- 
 ing to the parapet.) 
 
 Jack. — (From parapet.) I see them! (Points.) There, 
 they're making for the oak grove ! 
 
 Eflie. — I see them! What a grand sight! (Noise of 
 clattering hoofs without.) 
 
 Poverty. — Here comes a messenger. (Bullock in grooms 
 outfit enters at right on drive way and retires at arched 
 entrance.) 
 
 Helen. — Another election bulletin I hope. 
 
 Poverty. — An election bulletin, that's it. (^Advancing 
 toward Arched entrance.) Helen. (Following Poverty.) Dear! 
 I hope brother George will win. He came within seven- 
 ty votes of being elected last time. 
 
 Jack. — (Who has joined Poverty and Helen.) Only a 
 majority of seventy to overcome ? 
 
 Poverty. — The borough has always been close ; the 
 slightest thing may upset either candidate. (Enters Bul- 
 lock.) 
 
 Bullock. — (Hands bulletin to Poverty who hands it to 
 Jack.) Hif you please me lud. (Bullock retires to lejt.) 
 
 Jack. — (Reads.) " A full vote is being cast throughout 
 most of the district. The contest is a determined one. It 
 is admitted by all that the election turns on the vote of 
 Chapel Parish. Forty seven liberal electors were at the 
 meet this morning. The hunt is the largest of the season. 
 Maby's friends regard the situation with alarm. ' : 
 
 Helen. — tc Darn " the hunt! 
 
 Jack. — Who got it up ? 
 
 Helen. — Mrs. Smiles brother. The stupid thing, to 
 get up a hunt today. (Noiss of clattering hoofs on the road 
 without.) 
 
 Helen. — Who is it? 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 35 
 
 Effie. — {Looking from tower that commands view of road.) 
 Helen— your father. 
 
 Helen. — {To Jack.) Run Jack, run! 
 
 Jack. — {Pointing to open door of old building.) This 
 way ! 
 
 Poverty. — Yes in the armory chambers. {Exeunt 
 Helen, Etfie and Jack.) The colonel is every where. 
 {Enters Rushfoot, carrying an ulster, with capacious pocket, 
 on his arm . ) 
 
 Rushfoot. — Bruce can you locate the run ? 
 
 Poverty. ~ (Startled for a moment at the name ofBruce.) 
 Yes. {Going to parapet followed by Rushfoot.) The leaders 
 are just emerging from the grove. (Toints — Noise of 
 hounds again heard.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — I see them. Whose horse is that at the 
 entrance? 
 
 Poverty. — Mine. 
 
 Rushfoot. — What ? Fleeting John ? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes. 
 
 Rushfoot. — I want him! I'll leave you mine. 
 
 Poverty. — Take him. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To Bullock who appears at arched entrance.) 
 Tighten John's saddle girt! Quick! (Bullock retires.) 
 I'll break up that hunt if the belly band don't c 'bust." 
 Sure! Once a cowboy! always a cow boy! 
 
 Poverty. — What are you going to do? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Swinff from the saddle and bas: their 
 game. (Pointing to pocket of ulster.) Sure! {Unbutton- 
 ing his suspenders, pulls them from beneath his waistcoat, and 
 ties them around his waist.) That's right, Bruce my boy. 
 (Detects Poverty looking about him.) Pardon me Poverty, 
 I know you by that name in Colorado; what a youngster 
 you were! You havn't forgotten Salida have you? 
 (Laughs.) By the way, what ever became of your part- 
 ner's little sister? They told me the day he died, that 
 she was an orphan, that he left her pennyless. (Bullock 
 enters at arched entrance, crosses to right retires on road 
 ivay.) 
 
3G lord poverty's assets 
 
 Poverty. — He left nothing. Don't mention Sa- 
 lida. 
 
 Rushfoot. — I've respected your wishes for years my 
 boy; never have — called — you — Bruce — slip of the tongue. 
 (Hastens to arched entrance.) I'll get the recreant liberals 
 to the polls if the belly band — {Exit Rushfoot. Q/i mo- 
 ment after he his heard to cry ci Now John.' The rattling 
 oj hoofs follow. Enter Helen, Effie and Jack.) 
 
 Helen. — (Goes to arched entrance foil ozved by Jack.) He's 
 gone! (Cuckoo heard at right.) Hark! (Cuckoo heard 
 again.) Sister and Smile! (To Jack.) Make for the road 
 Jack. 
 
 Jack. — Yes but I'll return to write up Poverty Castle, 
 you know. 
 
 Poyerty. — That's it! (Exit Jack, left arched en- 
 trance.) 
 
 Helen. — (To Effie.) We'll retreat in this direction. 
 Get your hat, quick (Helen and Effie put their hats on 
 and retire to left on path leading to ruined tower.) 
 
 Povertv. — I've told Smile that I'm engaged. She's to 
 tell no one, but me aunt. (Exit Poverty to join Helen and 
 Effie. Enters Mrs. Smile from right.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Looking bach.) Forever pursuing her 
 social correspondence! (Looks about her detects bottles, &c, 
 on table.) Povertv has been entertaining some ol his 
 cronies no doubt. (Reflects.) What a sensation —in store 
 for all England. This will be the story — cc To humor 
 a Yankee wife, who longed to breath the air of a higher 
 social altitude, an Englishman pays ten thousand pounds 
 lor a piece of counterfeit art; and to seek royal favor, 
 presents his vulgar purchase to a society of sentimentalists, 
 suffering from yankeesmite. His Royal Highness, the 
 Prince of Wales, is asked to honor the occasion by mak- 
 ing the presentation speech.' It's nauseating — (Laughs.) 
 The explosion that will follow, will rouse such a whirl- 
 wind cl indignation throughout England, that the Maby's 
 will be blown into the very crevices of social obscurity. 
 They must n't know the truth until after the mischief is 
 done. (Enters Mrs. Maby with letters in her hand.) 
 
 
LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 37 
 
 You'll rejoice no doubt Emma when the celebration is 
 over, I trust nothing will happen. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. - — (A refined handsome and spirited woman 
 about twenty eight.) It would kill me! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — You are awfully sensitive, I know. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — So far we've been fortunate — except 
 one thing; Signior Sirao left yesterday for Italy. How 
 unfortunate! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — {Aside.) Sirao gone! (To Mrs. Maby.) 
 Who's to hang the painting? 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — - I thought of asking Mr. Randolph, to 
 direct the hanging. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — The art critic? 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Yes. (Enters Jack with note book in hand.) 
 Good evening Mr. Randolph! I was about saying, that 
 w r e venture to hope for a suggestion from you, when we 
 hang our painting at the league headquarters. 
 
 Jack. — Command me, madame. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (To Mrs. Maby.) Isn't it very nice of 
 Mr. Randolpf. (Enter Helen and Effie.) 
 
 Helen. — (To Effie.) I'm awfully nervous. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Rely upon it Mr, Randolph, (Laughing.) 
 we shall press your talents into service. (Jack bows.) 
 
 Helen. — (Xi? Effie.) Isn't he graceful, and how hand- 
 some ! I wish Jack had assumed some other role — I'm 
 afraid — 
 
 Jack. — (To Mrs. Maby.) You admire the sublimities of 
 the canvas, madame. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Yes — yet I fear, that one like yourself, 
 skilled in the beauties and subtile refinements of high art, 
 will marvel, when I confess, that though passionately 
 fond of the masters, I can't tell why. (Helen turns aside 
 to suppress a smile.) 
 
 Jack. — The masters painted up — (Looking at his cuff.) 
 painted up — 
 
 Helen. — (Alarmed.) Any other role ! {To herself '.) 
 
 Jack. — Not only to meet the severe exactions of the 
 connoisseur, bat (Looking at cuff.) down again to ac- 
 
38 lord poverty's assets 
 
 commodate the artistic incapacities of a lady like— yourself. 
 I mean — 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Laughing.) Like me. But how I 
 admire Waggmann ! 
 
 Helen. — (To Effie.) That was great, but awfully im- 
 pudent. My! (Puts her hands to her mouth to stifle her mer- 
 riment.) 
 
 Jack. — (Affects a dreamy jar away look now and then, 
 looking at his ciiff.) Waggmann, Waggmann! Look upon 
 a Waggmann the canvas, vanishes, we behold instead 
 but an opening — in the mighty gate that swings, that 
 swings — yes that swings — (Looking at his cuff.) — swings 
 in the portals of the past. Through the forbidden en- 
 trance, the living catch glimpses of men — and — women — 
 (Hesitates.) — things and various affairs, that the hand of 
 Waggmann has rescued from the shades of the forgotten. 
 (Looks at cuff — Solemmnly.) The works of the masters 
 are but living fragments of the dead past. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Beautiful! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Grand ! 
 
 Helen. — (^Astonished.) Who told Jack that? (xAside.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Who is noiv seen on the parapet looking 
 toward the left.) The run leads — (To Mrs. Maby.) Ah 
 Mrs. Maby, the run leads within a minutes walk of the 
 Parish. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — (Joining Poverty.) Do you see the 
 hounds? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes. (Pointing.) The leaders are making 
 in the direction of Giant Oak. (Poverty and Mrs. Maby 
 disappear to lejt.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (To Helen.) Miss Rushfoot did — you — 
 see much of Lord Poverty when he was in the States ? 
 
 Helen. — No, never saw him. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Strange! Your father did. 
 
 Helen. — Strange! — Hardly, considering the fact that 
 at the time, Lord Poverty was in Colorado and I in New 
 York. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Let me see Colorado is in North Ame- 
 rica is it not ? 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 39 
 
 Helen. — {Looks at Jack and smiles.) Yes, it's been there 
 for some years. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Aside.) That's a stupid remaik. (To 
 Helen ) Though not fond of new countries, I've often 
 that some day I might venture a trip to New York — 
 thought — to see Niagara Falls. 
 
 Helen. — Ah indeed ! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — I suppose you see the Falls as you enter 
 th* harbor, or at least before your dock. 
 
 Helen. — Yes from Bloomingdale. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Inquiringly.) I might be fortunate enough 
 to catch a returning steamer oa the same day? 
 
 Helen. — Very likely. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Do you like England? 
 
 Helen. — No. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — You don't? 
 
 Helen. — It's too old — and your fog is so ancient. 
 Your buildings reek with nasty soot. Your churches and 
 monuments with ancient and historic filth. I'm not fond 
 of old islands. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — {Laughing in a patronising manner,) 
 Come my dear, you were certainly charmed with 
 London . 
 
 Helen. — I saw but little of it. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — You saw the Tower? 
 
 Helen. — The tower, the tower, the Eifle Tower? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Impatiently.) No — no! The London 
 Tower ! 
 
 Helen. — Is that in England? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Where else could it be. (lAside.) How 
 stupid! (To Helen.) What did you think of West- 
 minster ? 
 
 Helen. — (Reflecting.) Westminster, Westminster? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Yes the Abbey ? 
 
 Helen. — Ah yes, that big church that stands on the 
 banks of - (Hesitates. To Jack.) Do you know that I 
 can never think of the name of that muddy river that 
 flo^) through London ? 
 
 Mrs. Smile, — (Annoyed.) The Thames — the Thames. 
 
40 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Helen. — Oh yes. (To Mrs. Smile.) Thank you. 
 Mrs. Smile. — Haven't you studied geography Miss 
 Rushfoot ? 
 
 Helen. — I was always at the head of my class in 
 geography. I knew every mountain, river, stream, cape, 
 inlet and island in both North and South America? 
 Mrs. Smile. — But English geography. 
 Helen. — (To Jack.) Do we study English geography in 
 America ? 
 
 Jack. — {Who has been writing on table.) Yes — dont you 
 remember — England comes in among the islands ? 
 
 Helen. — Ah yes, so it does! Iceland, Madigascar, Ire- 
 land. 
 
 Jack. — (Interrupting.) Long Island. 
 Helen. — And then England. 
 Jack. — No, no, Staten Island comes next. 
 Helen. — Oh yes. Staten Island —Fire — Island. 
 Jack. — Coney Island. 
 Helen. — And then England —That's it. 
 Mrs. Smile. — (<Asidc.) Such ignorance ! 
 Mrs. Maby. — (Who nozv appears -advances to middle oj 
 stage followed by Poverty.) Come Lizzie — let us walk in 
 the direction of the Parish. (Mrs. Maby^wj- toivard arched 
 entrance followed by Mrs. Smile, and Poverty - The latter 
 speaks to Effie as he passes — Ejjie nods assent and gets her 
 wrap.) We may get the last returns. (Exeunt Mrs. Maby, 
 Mrs. Smile and Poverty.) 
 
 Jack. — (Going toivard door of old building' to left.) Til 
 keep my eye on Smile and your sister from the back win- 
 dows. (Exit Jack.) 
 
 Effie. — (To Helen.) His Lordship insists on my put- 
 ting on my wrap. 
 
 Helen. — Is n't he kind to you! 
 Effie. — Yes. He's like a brother. 
 
 Helen. — Do you think it's nice to have a brother? I 
 don't mean a real brother— one that tells you to shut up, 
 and things like that, but a brother that isn't a brother — 
 the kind that falls in love with you. 
 Effie. — I'm not sure that I do. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 41 
 
 Helen. — Jack commenced with me that way. 
 
 Effie.— He did? 
 
 Helen. — Yes — but the brother business didn't last 
 three days. Your's has lasted longer, hasn't it? 
 
 Elfie. — {Laughing.) Yes — five months. 
 
 Helen. — That's too long. Why! I would have died 
 if Jack had kept up that nonsense a day longer. 
 
 Effie. — You're in love. (Looking at Helen.) 
 
 Helen. — And so are — 
 
 Effie. — No. 
 
 Helen. — You ought to be, it's so nice. 
 
 Effie. — (Laugting.) I never expect to be. 
 
 Helen. — (Sorrowfully.) Poor girl. 
 
 Effie. — Do you pity me ? 
 
 Helen. — Do fall in love, please! We'll just own this town. 
 
 Effie. — (Laughing.) With whom? 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty, of course ! 
 
 Effie. — (Seriously.) I don't dare to ; I never met him 
 until last summer. 
 
 Helen. — That don't count. I fell in love with Jack 
 the very first time I saw him. 
 
 Effie. — He is absolutely without sentiment — except a 
 love for music. (Looks at Helen.) Why! here I am telling 
 you — 
 
 Helen. — (Lnterrnpting.) I know everything. 
 
 Effie. — (Surprised.) Who told you ? 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty. He loves you, and I — (Aside.) 
 But I must n't tell. 
 
 Effie. — (Laughing.) He says, he loves me, — (Seriously.) 
 but does he know the meaning of the word? 
 
 Helen. — He hasn't much sentiment, I admit; but you 
 might rouse him — 
 
 Effie. — As Lord Poverty has made a confidante of 
 you, I'll do the same. (Shyly.) I like him. 
 
 Helen. — A pretty girl like you ought to be in love 
 with some one. I'd go mad, if I didn't love Jack. 
 
 Effie. — You dear child! 
 
 Helen. — (Sighing.) It takes all kinds of people to 
 make a world. 
 
42 lord poverty's assets 
 
 Effie. — (Putting her arms around Helen.) Am I so very 
 odd? 
 
 Helen. — (Nods.) Yes — You ought to love him. 
 You'ar throwing away a good thing— that's what Jack 
 calls it. 
 
 Effie. — (Looking at Helen. Seriously.) Let me tell 
 you a story. A tiny girl; an orphan, scarcely ten, lived 
 in Colorado with her brother, twelve years older. Then 
 he died. W/thout relatives to care for her she would 
 have — well — died too, I suppose; but for a young En- 
 glishman, her brother's friend. He caused her to be sent 
 to England, cared for — and educated. 
 
 Helen. — (Seriously.) The little girl wasn't you, was it, 
 Effie? 
 
 Effie. — Yes. 
 
 Helen. — How noble of him. (Earnestly.) What is his 
 name ? 
 
 Effie. — Bruce Buckingham. I have never seen him 
 to remember him . 
 
 Helen. — Where is he? 
 
 Effie. — In South Africa ! 
 
 Helen. — Is he nice looking ? 
 
 Effie. — I don't know. 
 
 Helen. — You've got his photograph? 
 
 Effie. — No. I never heard from him directly until 
 my eighteenth year. Then I got my first letter; 1 ans- 
 wered it in a flood of tears, and sent him my photo- 
 graph. Then came another letter, and an another, and 
 they continued to come until eight months ago. In his 
 last letter, he asked me not to marry, or promise to 
 marry without his consent. Could you, under these 
 circumstances, give your heart to the first man who would 
 ask it? 
 
 Helen. — If the first man was Jack, I would. Where 
 is Mr. Buckingham now? 
 
 Effie. — Somewhere in Africa. He said, in his last let- 
 ter, that I wouldn't hear from him for a year or more. 
 
 Helen. — Was he fond ot your brother? 
 
 Effie. — Very. The first time they met was in Selida. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 43 
 
 
 Some cow-boys had insulted him. My brother seein 
 that he was a stranger took sides with him; revolvers were 
 drawn and some one would have been killed, had they 
 persisted in their insults. Afterwards they worked a 
 prospect together. But the mine failed, my brother 
 died, Mr. Buckingham went to South Africa. 
 
 Helen. — And you don't remember him? 
 
 Effie. — No, he was up in the mines most of the 
 time; he was very young. At first the miners laughed 
 at him because he was so odd, but after a while they 
 just admired him. {Enters Poverty.) 
 
 Helen. — Say Effie there' re heaps of strange things in 
 the armour chamber. Oh I want to ask Lord Poverty 
 about a painting I saw in one of the upper back rooms. 
 
 Poverty. — (Who has heard Helen's remark.) The 
 modern painting? 
 
 Helen. — Yes, the large one. 
 
 Poverty. — cc Her last dupe." 
 
 Helen. — I'm going up to see it again. (Exit Helen.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Scrutinizing.) Are you warm ? 
 
 Effie. — I am a little chilly. {'Putting on her wrap.) 
 
 Poverty. — {Looking at Effie's dress.) Have you plenty 
 of (Hesitates.) jackets and —{Hesitates.) strong clothes 
 under that gown ? 
 
 Effie. — (Suppressing a smile.) Plenty. 
 
 Poverty. — By the way Maloney, don't you find it 
 awkward knocking about without a brother? 
 
 Effie. — (Seriously.) I wish I could recall my brother 
 from above. 
 
 Poverty. — You should never think of releasing him. 
 He'd never forgive you if you got him out. Now he's 
 got nothing to do but to see God and fly around. Down 
 here, he'd have to commence all over again dodging 
 the brimstone chap. (Changing the subject out of deference 
 for Effie's feelings.) You've got a fine look on to day. 
 
 Effie. — (Smiling.) Thank you; how is your Lord- 
 ship? 
 
 Poverty. — A bit sentimental. 
 
 Effie. — Sentimental! 
 
44 lord poverty's assets 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. 
 
 Effie. — You! (Laughs.) 
 
 Poverty. — Why not? By the way, do you remember 
 that bit of rhyming stuff, about a chap that went growling 
 about, longing to meet another life? 
 
 Effie. — Another life? 
 
 Poverty. — Another girl — no — not another one, but 
 the right one. 
 
 Effie. — (Inquiringly.) " There's another life I long to 
 meet?" 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. 
 
 Effie. — cc There's another, life I long to meet. With- 
 out whose life, my life is incomplete." 
 
 Poverty. — • Clever, very clever. I've been wrapping 
 the thins: about on me tongue's end all day, but when I 
 saw you I forgot it. What became of the wretch? Did 
 he ever overtake her? (Looking at Effie.) Of course — 
 to be sure. 
 
 Effie. — Perhaps. 
 
 Poverty. — " Without, whose, life, my life is incom- 
 plete." (Approaching Effie.) I know a chap, a good enough 
 chap too, who wants to take your life. 
 
 Effie. — Take my life. 
 
 Poverty. — Yes, and fill it with nonsense, and flowers 
 and bonnets' and a horse or two. He hasn't money, but 
 I think he can throw in the horses. 
 
 Effie. — (^Affecting indifference.) Your friend ought not 
 to marry without money. 
 
 Poverty. — Why not? 
 
 Effie. — The responsibilities following marriage. 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Effie.) The responsibilities! 
 
 Effie. — Yes. 
 
 Poverty. — Oh " them " things — they'll be provided 
 for. The young Poverty's always start rich. 
 
 Effie. — Marriage is a serious affair, my lord. 
 
 Poverty. — Yes with the women. After all it's only 
 a women question. The men bother around a bit on 
 the day of the show — of course — that's it. 
 
 Effie. — (Surprised.) Marriage only a womens question? 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 45 
 
 Poverty. — (Interrupting.) Ah! but I mean the joining 
 — away — together ceremonies, the veils and the gowns, 
 and the lemon buds. (Reflects.) Lemon — (To himself.) 
 That's not it — orange — that's it! (To Effie.) and the 
 orange buds. But about the sentimental chap, the one 
 who wants to complete his life by adding the right girl to 
 it. He wants you, Maloney, you'll finish him. You 
 see you're an American. 
 
 Effie. — (Interrupting.) Your friend can find plenty of 
 American girls with wealth and beauty. 
 
 Poverty. — Ah, but you see — 'its a joke on a chap to 
 marry the wealthy ones. Their money is paraded too 
 much. Ones marriage with them is awkward. 'Tis like 
 taking over a bare back rider or a strong girl. Your 
 friends laugh at you. You've got to neglect them after- 
 wards to convince your set, that you've repented of your 
 folly. But with a poor American girl or the ones with 
 modest guineas 'tis different. There are warm hearts for 
 such in England, even after the altar. (Enters Helen.) 
 
 Helen. — Oh Lord Poverty, Jack is putting on one of 
 your ancestors iron suits. 
 
 Poverty. — Why not ? 
 
 Helen. — Can I help myself too? 
 
 Poverty. — To anything. 
 
 Helen. — (To Effie.) There are lots of ladies wigs 
 gowns, hats and everything. Go up and see them. 
 
 Effie. — Oh yes. (Exit Effie.) 
 
 Helen. — (^Advancing to centre of stage, confidentially .) 
 now are things working? 
 
 Poverty. — Me aunt is still suspicious. 
 
 Helen. — Of what? 
 
 Poverty. — Of the picalo affair with Maloney? 
 
 Helen. — Does Effie know that your aunt objets to 
 her? 
 
 Poverty. — No, and she must never know it. 
 
 Helen. — Where's Benson today. 
 
 Poverty. — She'll be here. She's always nosing around. 
 The devil herself could n't be worse! 
 
 Helen. — (Indignantly.) The devil herself! 
 
46 lord poverty's assets 
 
 Poverty. — It self — the devil itself- That's it. 
 
 Helen. — Are 5 r ou and Effie going to play today? 
 
 Poverty. — I'm going to play but not with Effie — with 
 a picalo chap from London — I've engaged him to play 
 with me — to trick Benson. She'll go brxk to me aunt 
 and clear me of the last affair. 
 
 Helen. — That's the way to scheme. Say Lord Pov- 
 erty — don't you think we better tell Jack every thing 
 right away? 
 
 Poverty. — Not until after the twentieth; too many 
 cooks spoil the conspiracy. I'must go, if you'll let me. 
 The musician is in the small tower. (Approaching to right 
 driveway. Exit Poverty.) 
 
 Helen. — Poor Lord Poverty, he's a real good fellow. 
 (Enters Effie with gown, wig, hat and mask.) 
 
 Effie. — (Laughing.} Mr. Randolph wants you to put 
 these on. He's coming right down. (Helen puts gown, 
 &c, on Effie helping her .) He looks awfully funny. He's 
 in armor. 
 
 Helen. — Like a real Knight. (Enters Jack in armor 
 •with sword in hand. His coat tail sticks out behind — Exit 
 Effie.) 
 
 Jack. — (Tragic strides.) By the gibbeted carcass of 
 the Silver Dwarf. I'll reckon curtly with him who calls 
 thee daughter. Where is the tyrant? 
 
 Helen. — Sir Knight of Manhatten I implore thee, chide 
 not my sire too harshly. 
 
 Jack. — Where's the tyrant? 
 
 Helen. — (Tragically.) The last time I saw him, he 
 was girding up his trousers with silk suspenders. 
 
 Jack. - (Seriously. Taking off his helmet and throwing it 
 on stage.) Look here Helen, what in the devil has your 
 father got against n:e any way? 
 
 Helen. — (Sorrowfully.) Jack, don't spoil the fun. 
 
 Jack. — But what has he got against me ? 
 
 Helen. — He says you're wild. 
 
 Jack. — He don't know me. 
 
 Helen. — He admits that, but Jack the trouble is he 
 knows your father. (Sorrozvfully . ) 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 47 
 
 Jack. — Certainly! Your father and mine were great 
 friends. They were boys together. 
 
 Helen. — {Sorrowfully.) Yes, but father says — (Looking 
 dtfjack.) You wont be offended will you Jack? 
 
 Jack. — Offended! N-o — 
 
 Helen. — He says that your father as a boy and young 
 man was— the wildest — hellian in Westchester County, 
 that his capacity for raising the devil was absolutely un- 
 limited. 
 
 Jack. — I wasn't about to restrain the lad. I shouldn't 
 suffer for his sins. 
 
 Helen. — {Almost in tears.) That of course I know, 
 but Jack some one told father that for refined — double -- 
 distilled juvenile villiany, old Randolph Robins in the 
 prime of his youthful " cusidness couldn't hold a 
 candle to his son Jack. 
 
 Jack. — You don't believe it, do you Helen? 
 
 Helen. — No I don't. (Looking at Jack.) He could 
 hold a candle to you, couldn't he Jack? 
 
 Jack. — I know who told your father that. 
 
 Helen. — The wretch! Who, Jack? 
 
 Jack. — (With doubtful air.) Well I can't say that I 
 know the man, but I know the county the stories came 
 from. 
 
 Helen. — The county! 
 
 Jack. — Yes Westchester. I admit that these rumors 
 against my character are traditional. Your father heard 
 about me in Westchester, in Hudson where I lived 
 summers until I was fourteen. 
 
 Helen. — I'd sue the county for slander. 
 
 Jack. — Would you? (With faraway look.') 
 
 Helen. = — Yes I would, ruining a poor boy's character. 
 (With a look of wise indignation.) 
 
 Jack. — {With troubled looks.) They might get one fact 
 before the jury that would down me. 
 
 Helen. — What Jack. 
 
 Jack. — Now Helen I'll tell you. One indiscretion at 
 Hudson gave me a bad name, an unsavory reputation. 
 
 Helen. — How old were you Jack? 
 
48 lord poverty's assets 
 
 Jack. — Thirteen. 
 
 Helen. — Tell me about it Jack, and head off your 
 traducers. 
 
 Jack. — One Sunday I played poker — 
 
 Helen. — (Interrupting .) Father has done that. 
 
 Jack. — For pennies, that the ministers son stole from 
 the contribution box. 
 
 Helen. — (Interrupting.) Did you know it Jack? 
 
 Jack. — Never suspected it. 
 
 Helen. — You didn't steal? 
 
 Jack. — 'Twasn't money. 
 
 Helen. — What did you take Jack? 
 
 Jack. — Beer. 
 
 Helen. — (Trailing up her eyes.) Beer! 
 
 Jack. — Thirteen bottles of lager, I swiped them from 
 fathers ice chest. I played the Milwaukies against the 
 church funds. 
 
 Helen. — And it was found out? 
 
 Jack. — We were caught red handed. 
 
 Helen, — By whom. 
 
 Jack. — The undertaker. 
 
 Helen. — The undertaker? 
 
 Jack. — The game took place in his property. 
 
 Helen. — On his property, dear? 
 
 Jack. — In it darling. (Sorrowfully.) In his hearse. 
 (Helen nearly swoons .) Now Helen! (Puts bis arm around 
 her.) My prize angle it was an unfashionable old thing 
 with glass sides out of use, we had to, it commenced to 
 rain . 
 
 Helen. — Oh! my, my heart! (Looking at Jack.) 
 Jack promise me one thing — Promise me! 
 
 Jack. — (Kissing her hand.) Anything, anything. 
 
 Helen. — Don't sue the county. 
 
 Jack. — {Seriously.) Perhaps it's better to forbear. (Re- 
 fltcling.) The moral delinquency of that Sabbath day shat- 
 tered my earlier reputation. But I'll live it down. 
 
 Helen. — Oh Jack, we'll both live it down. Forget it 
 — forget it. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 49 
 
 Jack. — I never think of it, except when I see a 
 hearse or a contribution box. (Notes on the picolo heard 
 from small tozver.) 
 
 Helen. — Hark! (Listens.) Benson — Benson. That's 
 the signal. (They make a rush for — the door — Find it lock- 
 ed.) 
 
 Jack. — Spring lock! We're lost. (Trys to get armor 
 off.) I can't get this devilish thing oft! (Helen takes wrap, 
 &c, off — and makes an inejjectual effort to help Jack.) No 
 use — make for the tower— leave me — I'll take care of 
 myself. (Urging Helm,) Go! 
 
 Helen. — Oh, Jack! (Retires on path leading to ruined 
 tower.) 
 
 Jack. — (Renewing effort to get armor off.) I wonder 
 who's trail Benson is camping on. (Picolo duet, Kling's 
 cc Two Little Finches ' 9 now heard from small tower — Enters 
 Benson looking thiner than in first act. Jack stands in 
 vacant niche to right of door and assumes a statuesque attitude. 
 Benson advances to centre of stage - listens to music and looks 
 cautiously about her. Makes a note of time from watch. Looks 
 at table— another note— Examines bottles — looks about — drinks. 
 Looks about again— drinks —Disappears on path leading to 
 small tower. Jack steps from niche — crosses stage to entrance 
 on path Benson has taken — Looks after her.) 
 
 Jack. — (In low voice.) She's peeping through the 
 bushes to see who's in the tower. (Retreating.) Now 
 she's returning — to the bottle — (Laughs to himself —assumes 
 former position in niche — Benson reappears —Looks about cau- 
 tiously — Drinks — Listens to music.) 
 
 Benson. — (To herself pointing.) His lordship. {Enters 
 Mrs . Smile — Music ceases . ) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Seeing Benson.) For whom ar£ you 
 looking Benson. 
 
 Benson. — (Bowing — A little unsteady.) H — i — s — 1 — 
 lordship. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Find Miss Rushfoot and you'll find his 
 lordship, they're inseparable. (Benson bows again — Utters 
 a silly laugh and retires through arched entrance.) I wonder 
 if she knows that Poverty is engaged to Helen Rushfoot ? 
 
 A 
 
50 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 (Jack nearly falls.) I doubt it. Why dont Gordon come, 
 he was to meet me here? (Exit Mrs. Smile to right on 
 roadivay. Enters Poverty on path from right and Helen 
 from left.) 
 
 Poverty. — You understood my signal. 
 
 Helen. — Yes. (Looking around.) But where's Jack? 
 
 Poverty. — Me aunt's carriage is coming up the road — 
 She's out for an airing. If she stops, you must see her. 
 
 Helen. — But suppose Jack should be around. 
 
 Poverty. — Send him up into the Armour chamber. 
 
 Helen. — Oh yes, I know— To see the painting! Her 
 Last Dupe. (Laughs. Enters Bullock.) 
 
 Bullock. — (Excited.) Your lordship — Hif you please- 
 A foreign looking tramp 'as nearly killed a boy on the 
 roadside near the mote. 
 
 Poverty. — Who's the boy? 
 
 Bullock. — Hif Hi'm not mistaken me lud, 'tis Maxey 
 
 Helen. — Maxey ! 
 
 Poverty. — (Going toiuard arched entrance.) Maxey! 
 
 Bullock. — Yes me lud. 
 
 Helen. — (Aside.) Maxey here! (Exeunt Poverty and 
 Bullock followed by Helen.) 
 
 Jack. — (Jumping from niche and taking ojj armour.) 
 Helen en^as^ed! Well I'll be — (Throwing armor on the 
 stage.) Did any one ever hear of a deed more foul — En- 
 gaged to Lord Poverty — Is n't this withering? I cant be- 
 lieve it — yet it must be true — the end has come — the com- 
 bine is busted — I'm off for America. (Goes to right.) Her 
 last dupe! (Exit on roadway. Enters Gower — Arched en- 
 trance.) 
 
 Gower. — (Looking behind toward outer road.) The boy 
 must be badly hurt. (Enters Mrs. Smile from left— Over- 
 hears Gower last remark.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Some one injured. 
 
 Gower. — Yes — Maxey! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (<Aside.) Maxey here? (To Gower.) Has 
 he been fighting ? 
 
 Gower. — Bullock says the lad was assaulted. 
 Mrs. Smile. — By whom? 
 
LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 5i 
 
 Gower. — A tramp— Some mendicant no doubt. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Aside.) Strange — Maxey still here ! 
 
 Gower. — The hunt was broken up. The liberal mem- 
 bers of the club are out of the saddle and are voting for 
 Maby to a man — Personally — I'm glad of it. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Scowling — Aside.) I'm not. (To Gower.) 
 How did it happen? 
 
 Gower, — Emery says that the ending was dramatic; 
 that when nearing Monks Well, Rushfoot came dashing 
 bye at a fearful pace. When rounding the road, that turns 
 to the Giant Oak he fell; the impetus of his mad dash 
 was so great that it swung his body around the bend of 
 the road, out of view. Major Bradford hurried to the spot 
 expecting to find him badly hurt, but Rushfoot had re- 
 mounted. The major asked him if his fall was serious, 
 but the colonel claimed that he didn't fall. This nettled 
 Bradford who doesn't like the Yankees, you know; and 
 he replied, by saying that the tongue of many a man had 
 deceived him, but his eye — sight never had. Rushfoot 
 retorted — with prevoking coolness, that he needn't boast 
 of his eye sight, for he once owned a mule that could out 
 spy him. Angry words followed. On reaching the club- 
 house, Bradford sent the Colonel a hostile message. It's an 
 odd fact that the hounds on reaching the spot where 
 Rushfoot fell lost the scent, and the whips called them 
 off. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — This is news indeed. (Noise on road 
 from arched entrance.) What new developement? (Enters 
 Mrs. Maby followed by Bullock.) 
 
 Mrs. Maby. (Alarmed. To Bullock.) What's the trouble ? 
 
 Bullock. — A tramp has nearly killed Maxey! 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Maxey! Maxey! here? 
 
 Bullock. — Yes madam. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Impossible, he left with Sirao ? (To 
 Bullock.) Where is he ? 
 
 Bullock. — They've carried him to the houter stable 
 madam. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (lAside.) The boy will tell all, if he see 
 
52 lord poverty's assets 
 
 his lordship. Poverty speaks Italian. {Enters Poverty fol- 
 lowed by Mr. Maby and Helen.) 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {To Maby.) Is Maxey here? 
 
 Maby. — Yes. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — What is the trouble? 
 
 Poverty. — {To Mrs. Maby.) Too serious for discussion 
 here. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {To Poverty.) Tell me — tell me! 
 
 Poverty. — Maxey says that the Van Elfin is only a 
 copy — that your husband has been cheated. 
 
 Maby. — {To his wife.) I don't believe him. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Excited.) Impossible Lord Poverty! It 
 can't be true. 
 
 Poverty. — The young chap said so, and then became 
 unconscious. 
 
 Mr. Maby. — {To Poverty.) Did you talk to Sirao? 
 
 Poverty. — No— he was ugly. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {^Astonished.) Sirao here too? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes he, struck Maxey. He was disguised, 
 as a tramp. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {To Maby.) George, it can't be true. 
 See Sirao at once! He'll surely tell the truth. Oh dear, 
 I shall ^o mad ! 
 
 Maby. — (To Mrs. Maby.) This alarm of yours, to say 
 the least, is imprudent. {To all.) Accept my assurances, 
 that Maxey has not told the truth. {To his wife.) In the 
 name of all that's prudent, say nothing more until we 
 know the fact. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — But George! 
 
 Maby. — Do as I say, quiet your tears. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (To Gower.) Let us go. 
 
 Maby. — {Overhearing Mrs. Smile.) Please remain and 
 listen for the guns. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Guns? 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Yes — fired from Chapel Park. One 
 means victory, two that we have won by a majority oi 
 fifty or more. 
 
 Gower. — (To Mrs. Smile.) We must wait. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 53 
 
 Maby. — (To his wife.) I'll make Sirao talk. (Exit 
 Mr. Maby.) 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — (To Mrs. Smile.) They must be mis- 
 taken. It cant be true. (Enters Rushfoot wearing long 
 ulster, with capacious pockets. Left pocket bulging out and 
 carefully buttoned. Small slouch hat, the left leg of trousers 
 hanging from top of his boot. General appearance indicates 
 anxiety, haste and annoyance. Puts ulsier on table after tak- 
 ing it off.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — Think of it! On election day! imagine 
 it! A fox hunt to-day, or any day. 
 
 Gower. — The sport is inspiring. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Think of it! Women by the score. Men 
 by the hundreds, lackeys by the dozen, all on reckless 
 horse-flesh, preceded by a gang of big-fanged yelping 
 dogs, the whole outfit dashing pell mell, over ditches 
 and hedges, in devil — may — care unison, pursuing a fox, 
 a little fox. If it was a Mavrick Steer, or a long horned 
 Spanish bull, that would be different — but a little might 
 of a fox. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — They follow the hounds in the States. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Not in my country, except those of the 
 smart set, who are in the process of transition from so- 
 cial obscurity, to the lower conditions of polite society. 
 But here, say my dear Poverty and Gower just a word, 
 if the ladies will excuse us. (Ladies retire — To Poverty.) 
 My boy I'm called out, challenged; (To Gower.) incited 
 to murder! (Hands Poverty letter.) Read the damned thing. 
 
 Poverty. — From Bradford. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Looking at Gower.) Unless I apologise 
 the Major wants an immediate arrangement made for the 
 trial of our respective killing powers. 
 
 Gower. — You're putting the thing rather savagely. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Without appearing to have heard Gower.) 
 Suppose I kill the major, snatch him from among his set; 
 why, without him, the whole outfit would n't be able to 
 corner brains enough, to accommodate the mental requi- 
 sites of a Piccadilly Masher. We don't fight — duels— in 
 my country; ot course politicians do, public rejoicing 
 
54 lord poverty's assets 
 
 encourages such encounters, because they often prove 
 fatal. Mr. Gower hear me ! (Still looking at him.) Cour- 
 ageous men have long since stamped out this medieval 
 need. It thrives to be sure, a little, in the sloughs of 
 tainted and giddy club life; but even there I'm pained to 
 say, the death rate isn't appalling. Country editors fight 
 too, but that's different. 'Tis fight or starve in such 
 cases, sometimes both, poor devils! Suppose I get killed 
 — cut off in the youth of my old age — damn it!— crowd- 
 ed off Gods green earth — by — (To himself.) a red — nosed, 
 red — headed English major — ((To Poverty) I'll fight at 
 any time at any place! (Cannon heard without.) Hurrah! 
 George has won! Maby and Arbitration! Forever! (Enters 
 Helen, Mrs. Smile and Mrs. Maby.) 
 
 Helen. — (To Rushfoot.) Papa, didn't you hear a 
 cannon? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Yes. 
 
 Helen. — Oh! (To Mrs. Maby.) Brother George has 
 won. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Taking out his watch.) Hark. (Second 
 gun in heard.) 
 
 Helen. — (Listening.) Second gun i 
 Rushfoot. — George has a majority of fifty or more. 
 Gower. — The credit of this victory is due to you, 
 Mr. Rushfoot. 
 
 Poverty. — (Shaking Rushfoot's hand.) Why not? 
 Gower. — (To Rushfoot.) How you did it, I can't 
 say; but you broke the hunt up. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Looking at Gower.) Fortunately. 
 Gower. — Fortunately. (Rushfoot whispers to Gower.) 
 No! Ha — ha— ha, you did? Ha-ha — ha, that's great 
 regular cowboy. It's all over now; tell it. Ha — ha — 
 ha! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — It's evidently a good joke, tell it. 
 Rushfoot. — When I heard of the hunt, I determined to 
 break it up — Mounting Fleeting John I located the 
 run, overtook and outstripped the party, hounds and all. 
 Near the old well, I saw the mite of a beast the gang 
 were after. When within twenty feet from him I 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 55 
 
 swung from my seat in the saddle and swiped him, as I 
 passed. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Impossible! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Getting' his tilster and throwing it over his 
 arm.) That's right — sure. 
 
 Poverty. — Have you any witnesses. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Taking the fox from his pocket.) Only 
 one. 
 
 Gower. — - Thats's the fox — black tail and all. 
 
 Poverty. — You've won the day! (Enters Mr. Maby.) 
 
 Mr. Maby. — (To his wife.) Sirao admits that the Van 
 Elfin is only a copy and he says that Maxey has des- 
 troyed the original. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Oh! (Falls.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Kneeling and taking Mrs. Maby in his 
 arms.) Poor girl, the excitement of the day has over- 
 come her. 
 
 END OF SECOND ACT 
 
56 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 THE THIRD ACT 
 
 There's an elapse of three days between the Second and Third ^icts. 
 
 The Scene is the large foyer hall of Devon House, Dor- 
 chester Oaks, residence of Mr. George Maby. At the back, 
 and between the right, and left entrances are two wide stair 
 cases, ascending in segmental curves to a square landing, six 
 feet from the floor. The stairs and landing have heavy carv- 
 ed balustrades. Helween the stairs is a curved recess, in 
 which rests, on a large easel, IC Van Elfin's Peace.' 1 The 
 painting stands perpendicularly. The top of the gilt frame 
 is held by wooden cross piece, to prevent it from falling for- 
 ward. (Attached to the easel is a frame, elevated above 
 the painting, and with cross bar, upon which are gas jets, 
 with reflectors, to illuminate the canvas, as in the first act. 
 The left entrance leads into interior hall, with door lead- 
 ing, it's supposed, to main front vestibule hall. The right en- 
 trance leads into another interior hall, with door leading, its 
 supposed, to rear ,main entrance of house. On the left is a 
 library with arched pillared entrance. Immediately opposite 
 the library on the right is the drawing room, with entrance 
 same as library. Mrs. Maby is seated at table looking ill 
 and despondent . ) 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Today is the eighteenth. (Reflects.) 
 Still in darkness — the original undiscovered — what a 
 dilemma! (Enters Maby, with open letters in his hand.) 
 
 Maby. — Our American mail. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 57 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Well? 
 
 Maby. — The great ore lead of the Slopper has broken 
 off; but they find the same vein in the Extension. Ex- 
 tension shares are booming. (To himself.) Poverty has 
 a blpck of three thousand— Extraordinary luck. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — What do the detectives say? 
 
 Maby. — Nothing. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. ■ — Nothing! Nor the solicitors? 
 
 Maby. — Nothing except that Sirao's bank account 
 has been located and attached. The Italian was known 
 to the Trafalgar Bank as Jacob Kaufmann. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — The scoundrel! 
 
 Maby. — And a clever one. (Offering letter) Read 
 this. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — (%ef using letter) Please give me the 
 substance. 
 
 Maby. — Sirao met Van Elfin in Rome last winter. 
 He found the Dutchman in straightened circumstances 
 and bought his " Peace ' for four thousand pounds. Again 
 in ninety four, at Madrid, he sold a Bartolomeo, but 
 delivered a copy only. The fraud being detected, Sirao 
 pleaded that the original had been accidently destroyed 
 by fire immediately after the sale. The Spaniard, fearing 
 the loss of his money, actually aided Sirao to get from the 
 insurance compan the value of his painting. The ori- 
 ginal was afterwards sold in Paris. On that occasion he 
 had two copies. One, he palmed off on the Spaniard; 
 the other he burned, saving bits of charred canvas, to 
 prove the loss of the original. I'm tempted to offer the 
 wretch five thousand pounds to produce the original at 
 once. It's no doubt in London. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Surely you wouldn't be weak enough — 
 (With spirit) 
 
 Maby. — (Interrupting) But think of it — I'll be the 
 laughing stock of all England — subjected to every kind of 
 ridicule and malevolent criticism. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Even so, dont let the wretch black- 
 mail you . 
 
 Maby. — (With resignation) Well the end is at 
 
58 lord poverty's assets 
 
 hand. I'll notify Marlborough House at once that the 
 Celebration has been indefinately postponed. This even- 
 ing the committee of arrangements must know the fact. 
 Such an embarrassing position! 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — 'Tis indeed, you have my sympathy. 
 (Exit Mrs. Maby left. Enters Sirao right. Officer stands 
 at entrance.) 
 
 Maby. — Look! (Pointing to painting.) 
 
 Sirao. — Yes, Mr. Maby/ the Van Elfin, Mr. Maby — 
 the Van Elfin. 
 
 Maby. — Where is the original? 
 
 Sirao. — My heart is not black — Mr. Maby — not 
 black. 
 
 Maby. — Answer my question! 
 
 Sirao. — I am an artist, not a cheat — Mr. Maby, My 
 heart — 
 
 Maby. — (Interrupting.) Don't persist in your decep- 
 tions ; they'll avail you nothing. You wretch! 
 
 Sirao. — That's unkind Mr. Maby — you do me injury. 
 There's no profit in denunciation. 
 
 Maby. — Do you injury? — 
 
 Sirao. — I keep cool — I keep my temper. 
 
 Maby. — Think you, that England is without a pris- 
 on — that her laws will permit you to play the swindler 
 with impunity? 
 
 Sirao. — See me — Mr. Maby — I'm not excited. 
 
 Maby. — You are possessed of a prudent temper Jacob 
 Kaufmann. 
 
 Siaao. - (Startled.) " Jacob Kaufmann! I don't 
 know the gentleman. 
 
 Maby. The chairman of the Trafalgar Bank does. 
 
 Sirao. (%Alarmed.) Mr. Maby — listen — Maxey, 
 
 (Clutching his hands.) the devil Maxey — 
 
 Maby. — Stop! Abide by your own precept. "There's 
 no profit in denunciation." 
 
 Sirao. — He burned the original! (Wrings his hands 
 and clasps them on his head.) The great Van Elfin! Maxey 
 has destroyed it My God! the world has lost a canvas, 
 that allured the touch of a master. Tis burned! tis gone! 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 59 
 
 My great painting! 'Twas mine. My heart is not 
 black— Mr. Maby. (Beckons Mr. Maby to one side.) I'll 
 return your money — (Confidentially.) the insurance company 
 will pay me. You, and the nice ladies, and the art critic 
 can help me get mine. See my heart — Mr. Maby. 
 
 Maby. — (With disgust.) Sirao, understand me, I know 
 your methods. You're in England not in Spain. You'll 
 never swindle an insurance company here, as you did 
 there. Once more — where is the original? 
 
 Sirao. — (Agitated with conflicting emotions of wrath, and 
 despers. Enters Helen, who stands at left entrance.) You are 
 a dev — damm — (Grits his theet.) Oh! Mr. Maby — please 
 Mr. Maby— don't rob me, don't ruin me. My God, 
 don't! What is there I can do, to convince you that I 
 speak the truth. I will go to London with you, I will 
 do anything. You are smart— you have wealth — take 
 care — in refusing to believe me you rob yourself. (Laughs.) 
 Time will tell. My God, I speak the truth! 
 
 Maby. — (To officer.) Take him away! Lodge him in 
 jail to-night. 
 
 Sirao. — (Excited.) Damn, have a care — (Officer ap- 
 proaches to hand-cuff him. Sirao clutches the air and grits 
 his teeth, as the former comes near him.) Go away, you 
 beast! go away! Damn, you dog! (Officer handcuffs him, 
 after a struggle.) 
 
 Maby. — Take him away! 
 
 Sirao. — (With resignation.) Hove a care ! (At right 
 entrance.) My last word — time will tell. Oh God! Mr. 
 Maby, the picture is burned. (Maby makes a motion to 
 detective to take him away.) Bah! (To Maby.) You damn! 
 [Grits his teeth and spits toward Maby.) You devil ! (Stamps 
 and spits again.) Bah ! (Exit with Officer. Enters Helen.) 
 
 Helen. — What a horrible man! Oh, dear! Really 
 brother George, do you know I think that Maxey has 
 burned the original. 
 
 Maby. — Out of revenge? 
 
 Helen. — Yes — every one now says, that Sirao has 
 always been cruel to him. Poor little fellow. 
 
 Maby. — (Reflects.) Has Mrs. Smile called to-day. 
 
60 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 Helen. — Why! no, the fog is so thick that you can't 
 see a foot ahead of you. 
 
 Maby. — The fog is rising. (To himself taking seat at 
 table.) Fog or no fog, Phellps must go to London to noti- 
 fy. His Royal Highness (Writes.) 
 
 Helen. — (lAside.) What's the m.tter with Jack? He 
 hasn't answered the note I sent him by Bullock. (Enters 
 Taylor from right with brandy, &c, on tray-places some on 
 table.) That's a great way to keep the combine sweet— 
 I'm mad — (Taylor retires.) and Jack Randolph will find it 
 out! Poor boy, I haven't seen him since election day. 
 But I'm mad. (Exit Helen right. Enters Rushfoot left 
 entrance, has uvercoat on and looking generally dilapidat- 
 ed.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — {Turning his coat collar down.) Say Maby 
 — why in the devil don't your race move? Your old 
 island is enveloped, more than halt the time, in a mist, 
 as dense as the expulsions of a smote-stack. 
 
 Mabv. — fPouring brandy into two glasses.) You growl 
 at our climate, but never at our brandy. 
 
 Rushfoot. — T le blessed stuff" - never! (Taking glass.) 
 Your health! (Drinks.) That's good. Brandy is a trouble 
 hunter — it's reaching Nothing on earth dispels the 
 gloom of a man's soul (An other glass.) quicker than a 
 glass — (T)rinks.) than two glasses ot good brandy. 
 
 Mabv. — Devilish weather! 
 
 Rushfoot. — The fog is so thick, that I'll bet the 
 Queen hasn't found her throne today, unless some one 
 slept on it over night, and gave her a toot on a horn 
 this morning. 
 
 Maby. — The fog nor the Queen doesn't concern me, 
 but the Prince of Wales does. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Has he been notified? 
 
 Maby. — My friend Phillips leaves for London this 
 af:ernoon. (Goes toward right, exit. Enters Jack left.) 
 
 Jack. — (Goes up to Rushfoot, and grasps him warmly 
 by the hand.) I'm so glad to see you. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Evidently. 
 
lord poverty's assets 61 
 
 Jack. — (Looking him over.) Not a scratch, good! Did 
 you pepper him ? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Who ? 
 
 Jack. — The Britisher. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Hesitatingly.) N — o. 
 
 Jack. — Too bad. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Who told you? 
 
 Jack. — (Tuts his fingers to his lips.) I knew all about 
 it. The Earth knows everything. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Looks at Jack and smiles. Helen appears 
 at right entrance.) Have a drink! 
 
 Jack. — Certainly ! (Helen alarmed.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — • Are you much of a drinker ? (Pouring' out 
 brandy for Jack.) 
 
 Jack. — I can hold my own. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Still pouring.) Say when? 
 
 Jack. — A little more! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Still pouring.) How's that ? 
 
 Jack. — Just a little more. (Rushfoot continuing. Helen 
 disappears.) There, there — thanks. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Your health! 
 
 Jack. — (Touching glasses.) Pardon my curiosity, but 
 (Drinks.) did you — (Coughs violently.) meet (Coughs.) 
 Major Brad — (Coughs.) ford? 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Laughs.) You do hold your own, just 
 about. 
 
 Jack. — (With handkerchief to his eyes.) Did you say — 
 you met him ? 
 
 Rushfoot. — No, we got lost in the fog. 
 
 Jack. — Too bad. I leave for America to-night. I 
 cannot go without informing you, that the London press 
 has been asked to investigate the Sirao swindle, and has 
 sent reporters here to get the facts. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To himself.) Poor Emma! (To Jack.) We 
 want to keep the affair out of the press. 
 
 Jack. - — Some one here, no doubt a woman, sent an 
 anonymous letter to the London dailies, alleging that the 
 gift of a copy of Van Elfin's Peace, and the intended 
 ceremonies, incident to its presentation to the Arbitra- 
 
62 lord poverty's assets 
 
 tion League, were the devices of a Yankee woman, con- 
 ceived for the sole purpose, of gaining social notoriety; 
 that an exposure of the plot, would, no doubt, save 
 the Prince of Wales from being: inveigled into the scheme 
 of honoring the occasion by his royal presence, and so 
 forth, and so forth. 
 
 Rushfoot. — This is monstrous ! Human malevolence 
 has some limitations ! You have been deceived, this 
 story can't be true. 
 
 Jack. — I've got the letter in my pocket. A reporter 
 believing me to be here, as the Earth's representative, on 
 the same mission as himself, gave it to me to copy. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Can you let me have it, to show my son 
 — in— law? 
 
 Jack. - Certainly, though I havn't copied it yet. 
 {Going toward left entrance.) There is no impropriety in 
 my doing that. It's only a devil's pigeon. (Hands him 
 letter.} 
 
 Rushfoot. — Devil's pigeon ? What's that? 
 
 Jack. — An anonymous letter. I'll return — and get it. 
 (Exit Jack.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — Cl Devil's pigeon," (Helping himself to 
 another glass.) that's good and new. Devil's pigeon — 
 the foul hatch of a foul heart. (Brinks.) Life has its com- 
 pensations. (Enters Poverty, hat pulled down ; coat turned 
 up, and carries pistol case. Rushfoot takes him by the hand . 
 With dignity .) My lord, how did you lose me? 
 
 Poverty. — (Surprised .) Lose you? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Yes, my lord. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course that's it! You got out of the 
 carriage, and didn't come in again 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Smiling and putting his hand on Poverty's 
 shoulder. Shows slight effect of the brandy.) Listen, listen 
 my boy! After getting out of the carriage, I — I looked 
 about to see where we were. The fog was so thick, 
 that I couldn't find the thing again. The real fact was 
 this — (Laughs.) Poverty — my dear Pov— (Laughing.) I 
 forgot which end of our carriage the horses were on. 
 (Laughing.) Have a drink. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 63 
 
 Poverty. — • Why not? {They drink.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — I'm sorry. I wouldn't have disappointed 
 the major for one hundred thousand dollars. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course not. But you see, I fixed it. 
 
 Rushfoot — {Surprised.) Good! How? 
 
 Poverty. — After the doctor and I, the driver, and the 
 horses and carriage lost you — 
 
 Rushfoot. — {Laughs.) That's good. 
 
 Poverty. — We knocked about for a bit, making at 
 last for Rams Knoll. On the way we ran into Bradford's 
 party, lost in a bank of fog, so thick that a bird couldn't 
 flutter through it. I jawed Bradford's second, and asked 
 him, why he hadn't met us. He replied, with some sort 
 of foggy apologies, and then made a rush for the carriage 
 to gab more, when he fell into a ditch. While they 
 were hauling him out we moved on, saying you would 
 meet Bradford in the morning, sa ne time and place. 
 
 Rushfoot. — [Offering Poverty his hand.) Shake my 
 boy, shake! That's right. {They shake hands.) When you 
 fabricate, do it with arrant grandeur. Now for one more! 
 (Rushfoot fills glasses.) 
 
 Poverty. — Your health, why not ? 
 
 Rushfoot. — {Laughing.) You did indeed fool the whole 
 Bradford outfit. {Holding up glass.) As they say in 
 Cripple Creek, here's that your life may be crowded 
 with extravagant satisfactions and high grade indul- 
 gences. 
 
 Poverty. — {Holding up glass.) Here that the Major 
 will miss you. 
 
 Rushfoot. — And that I'll hit him — {They drink.) 
 weather permitting. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. But he may apologize. 
 
 Rushfoot. — He ought to, he knows now, that I 
 wasn't thrown. 
 
 Poverty. — He says that if you apologize, he will. 
 Meet him halfway, why not? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Apologize — never! 
 
 Poverty. — Then it's fight ? 
 
64 LORD poverty's assets 
 
 Rushfoot. — Sure. I'll teach the Major that to chal- 
 lenge an American is a damned serious affair. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Come there's a plate for you. (Going to- 
 ward right entrance.) Come. 
 
 Poverty. — Why not? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Apologize, no! 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. (Exeunt Rushfoot and Poverty 
 right. Enters Jack left.) 
 
 Jack. — Things in this house are slightly crooked. 
 {Enters Helen from left.') 
 
 Helen. — (Overhearing Jack's remark.) The affairs of 
 the combine are not exactly straigt. (With dignity.) 
 
 Jack. — (tAside.) Her last dupe ! (Reflects.) 
 
 Helen. — And what is Mr. Randolph thinking cf ? 
 
 Jack. — (Aside.) Isn't this refreshing! (To Helen.) Of 
 a fool ! 
 
 Helen. — Fool? 
 
 Jack. — Yes, one that's very close to you. 
 
 Helen. — (Aside.) He means brother George! (To 
 Jack.) You're thinking of the painting, (Tenderly.) are 
 n't you Jack ? 
 
 Jack. — Yes. (<Aside.) " Her Last Dupe." 
 
 Helen. — All this come ; of being too confident. (Aside.) 
 Poo'* Jack, he'll have no more opportunities to criticise 
 the Van Elfin. (To Jack.) Jack, Jack. " No more living 
 fragments of the dead past." 
 
 Jack. — (Aside.) She's apeing on me. (To Helen going 
 toward left entrance.) I'm off for America — the combine is 
 forever dissolved — you and Lord Poverty can't fool me 
 any longer. Marry the Britisher and be happy. 
 
 Helen. — Jack — ! 
 
 Jack. — (Interrupting.) " Your last dupe.' (Exit Jack 
 left.) 
 
 Helen. — (Following Jack.) Jack, Jack. Come back! 
 Oh Heavens! Jack has discovered the mock engagement. 
 (Enters Effie.) 
 
 Effie. — Why! As Mr. Randolph rushed passed me, 
 he said lie was going to America. 
 
 Helen. — (In despair.) Effie pity me— pity me! 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 65 
 
 Effie. — Helen — what is the matter. 
 Helen. — (Aside.) Jack thinks I love Lord Poverty. 
 (1 o Effie.) I se* it all. (Enters Poverty left.) I st e it 
 all. (Walking up and down stage.) I feel like a lioness, 
 that's lost her only — her only Jack. Oh dear, my head 
 —I've lost it — My mind is going — I'm mad! 
 Poverty. — Mad — of course. 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty, you are the cause of it. Your 
 love for me was only pretence. 
 Poverty. — Pretence of course. 
 E fie. — {Alarmed.) What! Impossible! 
 Helen. — (Going toward, right entrance.) What a fool 
 I've been. {Exit Helen.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Effie.) Is the situation clear 
 to you? 
 
 Effie. — Yes. (Sighing.) 
 Poverty. — Is it now? — Fancy! 
 Effie. — Quite clear. 
 Poverty. — What is the muss? 
 
 Effie. — (Slowly.) Have you ever pretended to love 
 Helen ? 
 
 Poverty. — Ot course — to be sure. 
 Effie. — And you didn't ? 
 
 Poverty. — How could I love her and you at the 
 same time? 
 
 Effie. — I am sorrv to hear — 
 
 Poverty. — (Interrupting.) I've been making an ass of 
 myself. You see, I've been after the money — (*Aside.) 
 and Heatherstone. 
 
 Effie. — Oh Lord Poverty ! 
 
 Poverty. — Why not— I might as well have it as 
 anyone else. (Enters Benson, looking thiner than in the 
 second act; hands Poverty a letter, bows again in most humble 
 manner and retires.) Would you mind, if 1 took a look 
 at this ? (Goes to right of stages commences to read and com- 
 ment to himself.) Here me aunt raises the devil. (Turns 
 over a page) Here's the milk of the cocoanut. (Reads.) 
 Believing that your faults have been exaggerated, I, in 
 consequence, concluded on the twentieth not to disinherit 
 

 66 lord poverty's assets 
 
 your whole line, but instead, to provide for the well- 
 fare of your successor, should you marry Mrs. Rushfoot 
 or an other. Personally you inherit nothing— My entire 
 estate, both personal and real, is left to the fir t male issue 
 of your body. " Lady Hamilton.' " The first male 
 issue.' 'Twould be a joke if the first was a girl. (Reflects.( 
 Another girl, another joke. Fine assets An aunt of 
 mine had thirteen girls — thirteen — (Reflects.) that's it. 
 (To Effie.) You see I've been check — mated. Let her 
 keep her money — the baby will have it. I'll tell you the 
 whole thing — 
 
 Effie.-— The baby!— (Alarmed.) Lord Poverty— I must 
 go. (Mr. Maby appears at right entrance.) 
 
 Mr. Maby. - (Excited.) Your lordship. 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Maby.) Ah, yes. 
 
 Mr. Maby. - Maxey has regained consciousness — He's 
 talking in Italian. 
 
 Poverty. — Is he in the lodge? 
 
 Maby. — No, we removed him into the servant's 
 quarters. 
 
 Poverty. — And you want me? 
 
 Mr. Maby. — If you please. 
 
 Poverty. — (To Effie.) I must talk o you; wait please. 
 (Exeunt Poverty and Maby.) 
 
 Effie. — The situation isn't so clear to me now. (Re- 
 flecting .) I don't dare to think. Oh dear! I have 
 loved — I'm frightened, I must go. (Enters Jack.) 
 
 Jack. — I must have that letter. Oh! pretending to 
 love me, when she loved Lord Poverty. (Effie surprised, 
 coughs to attract Jack's attention.) Miss Revere! Did you 
 get on to -I mean, did you overhear any of my re- 
 marks ? 
 
 Effie. — I'm afraid, I did. 
 
 Jack. — I thought I was alone. 
 
 Effie. — Pardon me, but — but — 
 
 Jack. — (Jlside.) She's tumbled. (To Effie.) Miss 
 Revere, you are an American, so am I — you're in trouble, 
 so am I-I know it. I've been aped on, and so have 
 you. 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 67 
 
 Effie. — Aped on ? 
 
 Jack. — Yes — monkeyed with — made a fool of. Lord 
 Poverty has pretended to love you, hasn't he? 
 
 Effie. — Assume he has. 
 
 Jack. — {Confidentially .) He cares no more for you, 
 than Helen Rushfoot does for me. He's a deceiver, and 
 Helen Rushfoot is — well — 
 
 Effie. — (Interrupting.) I'm horrified! — It can't be 
 true! 
 
 Jack. — Do you know the situation? Yet, I have lov- 
 ed that girl. 
 
 Effie. — ■ (Faintly.) Let me get out into the open air. 
 
 Jack. — (To Effie.) My soul is stirred with such — (To 
 himself.) damnable emotions — I'll jump the game now 
 and send for the letter. (lAside.) " Her last dupe.' : 
 (Exeunt Effie and Jack left. Enters Maby from right follow- 
 ed by Helen.) 
 
 Maby. — (With open letter in his hand.) Astounding! 
 
 Helen. — (Aside.) Oh, my head! (To Maby.) What does 
 Emma say ? 
 
 Maby. — Nothing. 
 
 Helen. — Nothing? (Aside.) Poor Jack! What a fool 
 I've been. 
 
 Maby. — She looked at the letter, and recognizing the 
 handwriting of Lizzie Smile, recoiled at the sight of her 
 friend's treachery. I must go. Maxey relapsed, didn't 
 he? 
 
 Helen. — Yes before Lord Poverty reached the 
 chamber. 
 
 Maby. — I am going to the hotel to see Mr. Randolph. 
 Something must be done to avert a newspaper scandal. 
 (Starts to left y hesitates, and then goes to the right.) First, I'll 
 see how your father is getting on with Sirao. (Exit.) 
 
 Helen. — (Looking into the vestibule hall.) Some one 
 coming. Oh, I must see Jack I must see him and explain. 
 [Exit right . Enters Mrs. Smile.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Looks, about her.) Foggy (Looks, at 
 pictures taking a position that commands view of both entrances)) 
 The shock should have come after and not before their 
 
68 lord poverty's assets 
 
 celebration. Fate still scowls —on the Maby's. {Laughs.) 
 I wonder if the reporters have been here yet? Emma Ma- 
 by will find perchance, that a fearless press, knows how 
 to blister the hearts of even the audacious. Think of 
 these Yankee millionaires; they come among us, — throw 
 their money here, and elsewhere, as a butcher would — 
 shy a bone to a scurvey cur, and fancy forsooth, that 
 the gates of royalty, should be thrown opea to them. 
 Oh! this sensitive friend of mine. She may yet learn 
 that the road that leads, from the planes of social medio- 
 craty, to the summit of royal favor, is beset with perils. 
 (Enters Mrs.Maby, very feeble, grasping objects as she advances 
 Mrs. Smile starts to go toward her, but an indefinable gesture 
 from Mrs. Maby, causes her to forbear.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — I am sorry Emma to find you so ill. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Only a nervous spell. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Anxiety, poor girl. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — (Approaching the picture. Ga^es at it 
 while supporting herself by grasping a chair.) How beau- 
 tiful ! (Putting her handkerchief to her eyes and silently weep- 
 ing.) Come! {Extending her hand backward without moving 
 her body.) Come! (Pulls her hand bach as though horrified 
 at her ad. Mrs. Smile not seeing Iter extended hand remains 
 motionless.) Beyond the river, (JVeeps.) - two maidens 
 walk hand in hand — the taller one looks Like — (Turns and 
 ga~es at Mrs. Smile.) How beautiful you werej (Weeps.) 
 And oh, how I loved you! (Turns again to the painting.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (To herself) Does she suspect? Impos- 
 sible! 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — The smaller one - how trustingly she 
 gazes into the eyes of her fair companion. (JVeeps.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Why Emma! you're almost in a state 
 of collapse. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Not now — these tears strengthen me. 
 (Stands without support.) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Emma, you are too ambitious. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — (Looking at her handkerchief, that the 
 twists, nervously in her hand.) No— no, only unhappy. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — You ought to be happy. 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 69 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Looking at Mrs, Smile.) Ought to be 
 happy ? {Greatly moved .) 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — In your present condition, you'll be 
 unequal to the task of. entertaining royalty; your nerves — 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Interrupting. With spirit.) My country 
 women require no nerve, nothing but heart, to entertain 
 a prince, without it they could n't entertain a pauper. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — {Sarcastically.) English women esteem 
 it a high privilege to net the hostess to a guest as exalted 
 as his Royal Highness. You Americans may regard such 
 presence, as a mere incident to your generous spread — 
 giving the matter no farther thought, than that of telling 
 the butler to drop an extra plate on the table. 
 . Mrs. Maby. — {With spirit.') Should the Prince of 
 Wales ever sit at my " generous spread,'' his coming 
 shall not be signalized by the dropping of an extra plate 
 on the table, nor shall I, though the wife of a British 
 subject, drop my self respect, as though it were a 
 dirty apron, to cringe, stammer and scrape before him 
 though he were twice a prince, king or emperor. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — As the wife of a British subject you 
 will discover that the homage due to his Royal Highness 
 is prescribed by inexorable canons, the infraction of which 
 to say the least will render you open to the common 
 criticism that - {She hesitates.) 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — That what! 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — " That court obeisance, gauls only 3 ' — 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Yes? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — c - The American parvenu." 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Indignantly.) Epigrammatic slander has 
 no terrors for me. Let me deal in honest words, words 
 that have not been whipped into a smart phrase, by the 
 groveling sycophants of royalty, but words that proclaim 
 the nobility of human intelligence and those words are, 
 madame that within the sovereignties of the Great Repub- 
 lic, we bend the knee to none, but God, and our mothers, 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — Why Emma ! I marvel at the sublim- 
 ity of your spirit. After all you can't blame one for 
 sticking up for one's own country. Perhaps I made a 
 
70 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 mistake, in presuming upon the friendship of years to 
 hint, that after all, social discontent is but the heart 
 burn of wealth. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — Socially, I ask for nothing, but what 
 belongs to me. What you are pleased to call my social 
 aims, I call my social rights. Englands gentry are wisely 
 conscious of a superior class to their own — upwards then 
 is my aim — 'tis there I'll find my equals. (Falls into a 
 chair.) I sent for you, this morning to-- but it doesn't 
 matter, and in fact, I regret — that — you came. (To her- 
 self.) I can't accuse her. (Enters Helen excited.) 
 Helen. — (Excited.) Maxey — ! 
 Mrs. Smile. — Emma, can I do anything for your 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Without looking at her.) Yes, step into 
 the drawing room. 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — (Looks at Helen then at Mrs. Maby.) Cer- 
 tainly. (Goes to drawing room entrance. Aside.) Strange, 
 very strange! (Retires.) 
 
 Helen. — Maxey has regained consciousness! 
 Mrs. Maby. — 'Who's with him? 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty. 
 Mrs. Maby. — Has he spoken? 
 
 Helen. — Not yet. He sat up in bed, looked about and 
 then fell back and began to cry. 
 Mrs. Maby. — Poor boy! 
 
 Helen. — (Looking toward drawing room door.) Madame 
 Treachery, I hope never to see your face again. (Exit 
 Helen. Enter Rushfoot. right.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To Mrs. Maby.) The painting is de- 
 stroyed. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — George insists, that Sirao is playing 
 his Spanish trick on us. 
 
 Rushfoot. — He's wrong; Sirao could no more deliver 
 Van Elfin's Peace to him, than an assassin could call 
 from the grave, the victim of his treachery. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — It's no use. (Enters Mr. Maby) 
 Mr. Maby. — (Excited.) The reporters insist upon 
 seeing the painting; they're coming over directly. There 
 must be no excitement. I've admitted nothing; said 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 71 
 
 nothing. (To Rushfoot.) Did you get anything out of 
 Sirao. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Enough to convince me, that he's telling 
 the truth. (Enters Helen right entrance.) 
 
 Helen. — (Excited.) Brother George, Maxey is up! 
 
 Mrs. Maby. —Up? 
 
 Helen. — Yes, and dressed. Taylor is taking him 
 down. Here he comes! (Enters Maxey, pale and weak. 
 His head is bandaged and a silk shawl is thrown over his 
 shoulders. He is supported by Taylor, who walks behind 
 him. He jabbers to Poverty, who has entered zuithhim, in 
 Italian, and in broken English.) 
 
 Maxey. — Dove mi porti? {Where are you taking me)} 
 
 Poverty. — Doveti porto? Dai tuoi amici. (" Where 
 am I taking you . ' ' Among your friends . ) 
 
 Maxey. — Mi porti da mia sorella in Italia. (Take 
 me to my sister in Italy.) 
 
 Poverty. — Take you to your sister. Of course — we'll 
 send you to her. (Da tua sorella ? Di certo ti mandero- 
 mo da lei.) 
 
 Maxey. — (Sinks to the floor.) Mamma mia! (Mother!) 
 (Cries.) 
 
 Poverty. — (To Mrs. Maby.) The lad calls for his 
 dead mother. He's hardly conscious. (Mrs. Maby weeps.) 
 
 Maxey. — (Starts. Looks about him; sees the painting. 
 In terror.) Mi amazzera! Aiuto aiuto! (He will kill me! 
 Hide me!) (Trys to stand.) 
 
 Poverty. — Sirao, won't kill you; we wont let him. 
 You needn't hide. (Sirao, non ti amazzera, non c'e 
 bisogno di aiuto.) 
 
 Maxey. — (Looks at Poverty scrutinizing his face) No, 
 Lei non e'. (No — o. You're not—)? 
 
 Poverty. — No. I'm not Sirao. (No, non sono Sirao.) 
 
 Maxey, — (Sees Mrs. Maby.) Lada! lada! (Points to 
 picture. ) Origa ! origa ! 
 
 Rushfoot. — He says this in the original. 
 
 Mr. Maby. — (Points to painting.) This ? (Goes up to 
 painting and puts his finger on it.) This? (Nods.) This? 
 
72 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Maxey. — (Shakes his head.') Badalbada! {Points again 
 to painting.) Origa ! 
 
 Rushfoot. — First be says it's the original, and then 
 he says it isn't. 
 
 Poverty. — (Talks to Maxey, who has become very weak, 
 but rational. All gather about to hear the outcome. To 
 Rushfoot.) The thing is all right. (Poverty looks toivard 
 painting.) Of course — why not? (Speaks a few hurried 
 words to Rushfoot and then to Maby.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Hastily examines back end of frame.) That's 
 right! (To Poverty.) Sure! 
 
 Mr. Maby. — (Exited, pulls out his watch.) The train 
 leaves in twenty minutes! (To Taylor.) Rush to the 
 stable ! tell Harry to mount, and ride for his life to the 
 station, have Phillips return at once. Quick! Not a 
 moment to lose! 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — {Who has been standing near left entrance.) 
 George, the reporters are here! (Excited.) 
 
 Mr. Maby. — The reporters! (To Rushfoot.) Take 
 Maxey into the drawing room, quick! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Taking Maxey in his anus.) Come, my 
 boy, you're among friends. (Exit carrying Maxey. Enters 
 Sirao, handcuffed to Police constable, at right entrance.) 
 
 Police constable. — (To Maby.) The prisoner wants 
 a word with you, sir. 
 
 Mr. Maby. — This stupid constable! Get Sirao out of 
 here ! 
 
 Sirao. — (To Maby. ; My heart, Mr. Maby— Mr. Rush- 
 foot will tell you that my heart — (Enter reporters.) 
 
 Maby. — (To Poverty.) Get Sirao out ; don't let the 
 handcuffs be seen ! 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. (Taking newspaper from the 
 table. Takes Sirao and constable by manacled arms from 
 behind, throws paper in front jf him, so as to conceal hand- 
 cuffs. Whispers to Sirao and officer. To Maby.) Just a 
 moment. (They continue to bow, as they back toward right 
 entrance.) Why not ? (Exeunt. Enters Rushfoot.) 
 
 Reporter. — If you will pardon us, Mr. Maby, we 
 failed to gather from our last interview with you, at the 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 73 
 
 hotel, whether you were in possession of Van Elfins 
 master piece or only a copy. 
 
 Maby. — ({Pointing to painting . ) There, gentlemen, is 
 the copy. {Enters Poverty.) 
 
 Poverty. — (To reporters.) Of course. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Drawing out copy from the end of frame and 
 exposing the original. ) And here gentlemen, is the original! 
 {The colors of original are brighter. The illumination of 
 painting, by turning on gas of all the jets at the same instant, 
 is greater.) 
 
 Poverty. — To be sure. 
 
 Mr. Maby. — Just a little surprise to entertain our 
 friends. {Looking at Mrs. Smile.) 
 
 Poverty. — Why not? 
 
 Mrs. Smile. — A surprise indeed. (Laughing long and 
 loud.) 
 
 END OF THE THIRD ACT 
 
74 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 THE FOURTH ACT 
 
 There's an elapse of three days between the Third and Fourth ^4cts. 
 
 The Scene is the large drawing room in Poverty Castle, 
 five miles from Dorchester Oaks. Facing the audience, is 
 an arched entrance, with pillars on each side, leading into 
 large hall. On the left of stage, is an entrance leading into 
 the modern wing of castle, and on )'ight, another entrance to 
 the deserted quarters. The room is a cheer/ess one. The walls 
 are decorated, with portraits of women in court tra'nis, knights 
 in armor, hunting scenes, &c, &c. xAncitnt armor, swords 
 and battle axes are distributed about the room. 'The portraits, 
 on the wall , are hung in an irregular maimer, lilted to right 
 and left. Large ancient table stands in centre oj room, with 
 chairs, strewed about, without pretense to order. The ap- 
 pearance of the room suggests dust and cobwebs. Poverty is 
 discovered, sitting on end of table, learning against an old 
 chest, playing a low soft melody on the flute. The floor and 
 table are strewn with papers and documents that he has been 
 taking from chest. 
 
 Poverty. — (Standing — Examines papers.) Me assets are 
 low. (Takes another paper from box.) God don't think 
 much of money, or He'd (Looks in box.) give more of it 
 to his best chaps. (Looking for another paper.) Now and 
 then, a decent man has millions (Examining box.) dump- 
 ed on him. (Looking at audience.) Too much of the stuff 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 75 
 
 is awkward, they tell me. You can't chuck junks of it, 
 at the howl ot every beggar, neither can you bag it all; 
 without being called an ass in the first instance, and a 
 hog in the second. This was the wise observation of 
 an American millionaire, and a fine chap he was — they 
 tell me. Personally, I rather be a (Examining box.) hog, 
 and wallow in the dough, than an (Examining box.) ass, 
 and eat the thistles of an envious world (Throws papers 
 in box, and crams them down.) It's not there. (Pulls bell 
 cord. Cracked bell rings with a noisy ding.) Where are 
 me shares. (Enters Bullock.) Bullock— where are me 
 other assets? 
 
 Bullock. — Hin the Marches Tower; me lud. 
 
 Poverty. — Bring them here — take these out. 
 
 Bullock. — Himmediately me lud. (^Places box on floor. 
 Tuts documents, that have fallen on the table, into box and 
 stamps on them.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Watching him.) That's right, Bullock— be 
 careful — don't lose any. 
 
 Bullock. — Pardon the observation, me lud. Hi've 
 never lost ha paper since Hi've 'ad charge hof the 
 family harchives. 
 
 Poverty. — You're careful, Bullock. Of course. 
 
 Bullock. — Hi 'opes Hi ham, me lud. {Takes box up, 
 starts to go, then hesitates.) Hif your ludship pleases, you've 
 forbidden me to henter the Harches Tower, on haccount 
 of the setting 'en. 
 
 Poverty. Do you mean, Nancy? 
 
 Bullock. — No me lud. Nancy 'as 'er nest hin the 
 mahogany wardrobe hof the state chamber. 'Tis Queen 
 Moll, that's hin the Harches Tower. 
 
 Poverty. — Fancy? I thought it was Nancy. Don't 
 bother about Queen Moll, she's not game. 
 
 Bullock. — Very well, me lud. (Starts to go.) 
 
 Poverty. — Bullock, keep the cat out of the of the 
 state chamber. 
 
 Bullock. — Hi 'aven't seen the cat, me lud, for some 
 days. (Starts again.) 
 
 Poverty. — Bullock! 
 
76 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Bullock. — Yes, me hid. 
 
 Poverty. — Get another cat — the rats must be kept 
 down. 
 
 Bullock. — Himmediately, me lud. (Exit with box. 
 Filters Helen from right entrance.) 
 
 Helen. — Why don't Jack come; 
 
 Poverty. — {Examining papers, he takes from drawer.) 
 He'll be here. Why not? 
 
 Helen. — (Seriously.) I've done something you'll like. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course — 
 
 Helen. — {Looking at Poverty.) Etiie is coming here 
 today. 
 
 Poverty. — Is she now! 
 
 Helen. — 'Twas good ot you to intercept Jack at 
 Liverpool tor me. 
 
 Poverty. — To be sure. You see he registered at the 
 Adelphi. Finding him out, I dropped him a line, saying 
 that we were all going to America, on the next steamer, 
 and asking him to return to Dorchester Oaks, and go 
 with us. 
 
 Helen. — What did Jack say in his answer? Please 
 tell me every word. 
 
 Poverty. — He said he thought, you were trying to 
 pull my — (Looks in drawer.} hand tor a title. 
 
 Helen. — {With surpressed laugh, but with mock serious- 
 ness.) Are you sure, he said hand. 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Helen.) No, no, that's not it, 
 'twas leg — of course. And he said he was sorry to hear, 
 that you were (Looking at paper.) dying. 
 
 Helen. — Dying? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes — dying on account ot him. 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty! you didn't write him any 
 such stuff, as that in your letter did you ? 
 
 Poverty. — I told him, that you were mushed on 
 him. 
 
 Helfcii. — Oh! Don't, don't! (Wringing her hands 
 and laughing.) It isn't mushed, it's m-a — s-h-e-d, 
 mashed! 
 
 Poverty. — Yes - why not? — of course. But you see 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 77 
 
 it's too late now, I wrote it m-u-s-h-e-d, — mushed. It's 
 quite the same — why not? 
 
 Helen. — Oh dear me! All this humiliation, all this 
 sorrow, comes from the awful mistake we made in not 
 telling — Jack everything. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course— I quite see that. 
 
 Helen. — Jack is so jealous. 
 
 Poverty. — Jealous, that's it. 
 
 Helen. — If Jack had known, that it was only a game 
 to deceive Benson, he would have enjoyed it so — so 
 much. 
 
 Poverty. — So much ? Of course. 
 
 Helen. — Oh, I wish Jack would come! (Seriously.) 
 Do you know, I've been all over your castle. 
 
 Poverty. — Have you, now ? 
 
 Helen. — Lord Poverty — your roof leaks. 
 
 Poverty. — Does it? 
 
 Helen. — Yes, everywhere, except that end. There 
 is no roof on that end. (Pointing.) Why don't you stop 
 the leaks at this end ? (Pointing) 
 
 Poverty. — . ou see, the Povertys have always had a 
 weakness for ventilation. 
 
 Helen. — {Touching table, and then wiping dust off her 
 finger with handkerchief.} Is your house-keeper a very 
 competent woman? 
 
 Poverty. — The last one was — I've none now. 
 
 Helen. — Has she been gone long? 
 
 Poverty. — Five years, I think. 
 
 Helen. ~ (Aside.) So do I. (Looking about and shudder- 
 ing.) Lord Poverty, you wont be offended, if I ask you a 
 question — will yon? 
 
 Poverty. — Nonsense! 
 
 Helen. — You wont think me ill bred. 
 
 Poverty. — Not at all— go on. 
 
 Helen. — If you should ever marry Effie, would you 
 take her, to live here. 
 
 Poverty.— Of course— why not? I'd live in a garret 
 with Maloney— if it leaked. You know, I must have 
 ventilation. 
 
78 lord poverty's assets 
 
 Helen. — Where would you keep your hens then? 
 
 Poverty. — We'd eat the hens — why not ! 
 
 Helen. — {Looking at portraits.) Who were these ? 
 {{Pointing to knights.) 
 
 Poverty. — Povertys. 
 
 Helen. — And the ladies ? 
 
 Poverty. — More Povertys. 
 
 Helen. — {Pointing to portrait.) Don't you think, that 
 knight is a little skewed. 
 
 Poverty. — He was, I think— I'm — 
 
 Helen. — {Laughing.) No, no ! I mean the portrait. 
 It's higher on this side than on the other. {{Pointing.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking.) Fancy! {Loud knocking at the 
 outer door of front entrmce.) A caller, and Bullock is not 
 here, (Poverty disappears for an instant and then returns.) 
 Mr. Maby — 
 
 Helen. — Is Jack with him? 
 
 Poverty. — I'll see. (Retires. Knocking continues. Po- 
 verty is heard, calling to wait a minute. Noise oj falling 
 boards. Enters Maby, with dust on his coat, handkerchief 
 in hand, wiping dust of his face, followed by Poverty.) 
 
 Maby. — Who — (Sneezes.) was — {Sneezes.) the last 
 man who entered that door? {Sneezes.) I'm nearly chok- 
 ed. Turns and looks at entrance.) 
 
 Poverty. — The sheriff. 
 
 Maby. — And the man before him ? 
 
 Poverty. — Another sheriff, I think — 
 
 Maby. - Are you sure it wasn't William the Con- 
 queror. (Laughs.) Well, well, my lord! (Looking about 
 him.) how are you ? 
 
 Poverty. — Busy. I'm straightening matters up, 
 to go to America. (Helen disappears through arched 
 entrance. 
 
 Maby. — (Looking about.) Straightening matters up eh? 
 You'll be busy then for the winter. 
 
 Poverty. — A few hours. 
 
 Maby. — (Laughing.) You're booked for Saturday, yes, 
 — Why did you let Rushfoot get into this scrape? 
 
 Poverty. — The duel ? 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 79 
 
 i_j 
 
 Maby. — Yes, you're liable to arrest, at any moment. 
 In fact the police are stirring. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course — So are we. 
 
 Maby. — Is Bradford badly hurt ? 
 
 Poverty. — Cheek grazed, and part of his ear gone. 
 Only one shot. 
 
 Maby. — Where is Bradford ? 
 
 Poverty. — On the way to Belgium. When we quit, 
 they'll not have evidence enough to justify a warrant. In 
 six months the affair will be forgotten. 
 
 Maby. — Where are the folks ? 
 
 Poverty. — In the Anne repacking their luggage. 
 
 Maby. : - The " Anne"? 
 . Poverty. — Yes, the Queen Anne, the wing— the 
 modern end. ('Pointing.) 
 
 Maby. — Modern ! (Laughing to himself.) 
 
 Poverty. — Built in seventeen and eighteen. 
 
 Maby. — From the way Mr. Rushfoot got out of De- 
 von House, I should think he'd need to repack. (Laugh- 
 ing.) I must see Mrs. Maby. By the way, you've heard 
 about the big strike on the Extension. 
 
 Poverty. — Yes, I'm looking for me shares. (Enters 
 Helen.) 
 
 Maby. — The shares closed yesterday at twenty seven 
 pounds. 
 
 Poverty. — (To himself.) I must find me shares. 
 
 Helen. — (Aside.) Where is Jack ? (To Maby.) Brother 
 George did anyone call after we left ? 
 
 Maby. — Noboby— • 
 
 Helen. — (Aside.) Oh dear ! 
 
 Maby. — Except Mr. Randolph and Miss Revere. They 
 rode over with me. (To Poverty.) Your driveway, my 
 lord, in the inner court, is in bad shape, it needs repair- 
 ing. 
 
 Poverty. — New dirt— of course. 
 • Maby. — Mr. Randolph and Miss Revere jumped out 
 to save themselves from being dumped. 
 
 Helen. — (Jlside.) Jack and Effie here. I'll get my 
 hat. ( Goes to left entrance.) 
 
80 LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 
 
 Maby. — (To Helen.) Wait — do you know the ramifica- 
 tions of the cc Anne" (Laughs to himself \) 
 
 Helen. — Follow me. 
 
 Maby. — (To Poverty.) My lord Extension shares 
 twenty seven pounds! (Laughs. Exeunt Helen and Mr. 
 Maby.) 
 
 Poverty. — Fancy' I've three thousand shares. I'm 
 no hand at figures. (Reflects.) The noughts from three 
 thousand leaves three; three times seven is twenty one 
 — I've used the noughts and the seven up, Three times 
 twenty is sixty and twenty ont are eighty one — with 
 the used up noughts added, make eighty one thousand, 
 and then the pounds! That's it! eighty one thousand 
 pounds. But I can't find me shares. (Enter Jack and Effie 
 through the arched hallway. Jack appears doubtful as to 
 where the entrance leads. Looks in.) 
 
 Jack. — {Without seeing Poverty.) This is — 
 
 Effie. — (Looking.) What? 
 
 Poverty. — (Hearing Effie's voice.) Come in Malonev! 
 why not? 
 
 Jack. — (With dignity.) I'm here Lord Poverty. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course — you're as good as your 
 word. 
 
 Eiiie. — I'm out of breath. 
 
 Poverty. — (lyings; Effie starts, Jack smiles.) It takes 
 the wind out of one to shank Poverty Hill. (To Effie.) 
 You'll have some water? 
 
 Effie. — No, no thank you, (Poverty rings twice.) I 
 really don't care for any. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. Two bells mean cc don't 
 come Bullock." 
 
 Jack. — (y4side.) I wish some of our lord-cracked 
 American girls could see the inside of Poverty Castle. 
 ( Laughs.) 
 
 Effie; — (To Poverty.) Where is Miss Rushfoot? 
 
 Poverty. — This way -(Pointing to left entrance.) I'll 
 show you. (Going toward left entrance.) 
 
 Effie. — Thank you. 
 
LOUD POVERTY'S ASSETS 81 
 
 . Poverty. — If Mr. Randolph will pardon me 
 
 Jack. — (Who has been looking' at pictures.) Certainly. 
 (Exeunt Etfie and Poverty. Enters Helen from arched hall 
 way.) 
 
 Helen. — ({Doesn't see Jack.) Oh dear! where is he ? 
 {Sees jack — starts.) My! 
 
 Jack. — (Sarcastically.) Looking for Lord Poverty no 
 doubt. 
 
 Helen. — No I'm not looking for Lord Poverty, but 
 for my great big ninny John Randolph Robins Jr. (Kisses 
 him . ) 
 
 Jack. — (Indifferently.) Thank you. 
 
 Helen, — (Looks at Jack.) For what, the kiss or the 
 complement? 
 
 Jack. — I don't want you to kiss me again. 
 
 Helen. — I will. I'll kiss vou as much as I chose. 
 
 Jack. — {Working his foot.) I know how to suffer. 
 . Helen. - So do L Horrible! (Making faces.) you've 
 been smoking. 
 
 Jack. - His lordship don't smoke. 
 
 Helen. — He smokes too — It's perfectly awful. 
 
 Jac,k. — What? 
 
 Helen. — The odor of an English pipe. Jack, you're 
 jealous. 
 
 Jack. — You're mistaken. 
 
 Helen. - Not jealous ? 
 
 Jack. — No, not jealous, but aped on. 
 
 Helen. — {Seriously.) You've been wronged Jack, but 
 not aped on. 
 
 Jack. — I've been moulded with, any way. 
 
 Helen. — That of course, I know, but not aped on. 
 
 Jack. — {With indignation) Monkied with! Have I 
 been brought back from Liverpool to have my lacerated 
 heart anointed with vitrol? 
 
 Helen.— Now Jack, you stop! You joined me in my 
 exile, didn't you? and why? Because you knew I loved 
 you and of course, anybody could see. that you loved 
 me. We wanted to be together; to do so, you had 
 your hoodwinking to do, I had mine — Lord Poverty had 
 
82 lord poverty's ASSETS 
 
 his. I was to pretend to love Lord Poverty, in order 
 that he might love Effie under cover. Lord Poverty was 
 to make out that he loved me, in order that you and I 
 might — 
 
 Jack. — Might what? 
 
 Helen. — Spoon it — without being suspected. That's 
 the English of it. 
 
 Jack. — Why didn't I get the tip? 
 
 Helen.— (Snappishly.) This was our blunder you should 
 have been in the scheme but Lord Poverty throught it 
 imprudent to let you or Effie know. 
 
 Jack. — (Approaching Helen.) Helen dear! 
 
 Helen. — (Retreating.) Jack Robins you keep away • 
 from me. (Affecting to cry.) Take your old steamer and 
 go to America! (Looking sideways at him through her fing- 
 ers.) Accuse me, of trying to pull Lord Poverty's 
 limb. 
 
 Jack. — Helen, you know I love you. (Approaching her 
 again.) 
 
 Helen. — You don't! (Retreating .) You never have? 
 (Going to left entrance.) And you can see, that I'm not 
 dying for you. (Exit Helen.) 
 
 Jack. — (Il r ith an air of satisfaction.) This is business! 
 Love — real love — true love — seasoned now and then with 
 a little misunderstanding is heaven; but constant scrap- 
 ping, peppered at long intervals, with too much love is— 
 (Pauses.) I imagine — (Looking toward front entrance and 
 taking a cigar from his pocket.) Til go out and take a 
 smoke, then Til come back and brace the old man; tell 
 him everything, everything. (Exit through front entrance. 
 Enters Poverty. 
 
 Povertv. — (Reflects.) Me shares. (Enters Helen.) 
 
 Helen. — Xow is a good time to tell lather that the 
 great art critic is no other than Jack Robins Jr. that he 
 wants to marry me -that he is awfully smart — that he's 
 madly in love with me and things like that. Don't tell 
 Jack! 
 
 Poverty. — Of course — things like that. (Exit Helen 
 through front hallway. Enters Rushfoot.) 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 83 
 
 Rushfoot. — - Well Poverty, my boy! how are you, 
 anyway? The devil take that dueling affair? Do you 
 know, I havn't had a minute with you, alone, since the 
 Prince's visit. 
 
 Poverty. -— How did the celebration come oft? 
 
 Rushfoot. — I'm awfully sorry you were n't there. 
 'Twas great ! The Prince acted like a perfect gentleman. 
 In his speech he said that the principal of arbitration was 
 right — that the edicts of an impartial tribunal was prefer- 
 able, to the distressing judgments of the battle field, and 
 so on and so forth. He was very nice. Then I spoke! 
 My boy, I was in great form. Following Wales, I said 
 that my country and his should join hands forever — but 
 here was my most eloquent outburst. l< The most per- 
 fect union in all nature, transcending the union of states, 
 or the compact of empires — a union compared with 
 which, the espousals of heaven, or the wedlocks of earth 
 w re but robes of sands — and that combination w. s -- the 
 union of the Siamese Twins. To these, inseparable 
 fragments of humanity, nature pointed with indexed 
 significance to the great possibilities of a real Anglo- 
 American combine, with one flag, bearing upon it's folds, 
 the imperishable motto " Arbitration and Free Trade 
 for England— Forever! My dear boy, the American 
 ambassador, why, he just wept with joy! 
 
 Poverty — Fancy! You know your daughter Helen — 
 
 Rushfoot. — I should say so. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course, why wot? You see, she'll be 
 marriageable soon. 
 
 Rushfoot. — She' old enough now. 
 
 Poverty. ■ — Old enough — of cou se — but you see, it's 
 quite the thing to let a girl know her fate for a year or 
 two. She's in love. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Well! How about you? 
 
 Poverty. — Me? (Looking' at Rushfoot.) I don't mind 
 telling you; the maggot is at me heart too* 
 
 Rushfoot. — It won't do Poverty. (To himself.) I'm 
 sorry. 
 
 Poverty. — Your permission is all that's — 
 
84 
 
 LOKO POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Sorrowfully.) Now Poverty, 1 like you, 
 vou're a descendant of the old barons; I like the children 
 of the old baron, though those medieval scamps, swore, 
 swaggered, and swined in times of peace — yet in the 
 hour of peril, they forged to the front, clear up to the 
 vizor of their enimies, smote them down or fell them- 
 selves. That's right! Sure! 
 
 Poverty. — About Helen, you see the girl has been 
 hoodwinking — 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Interrupting.) Xo she hasn't, I've heard 
 a few things' Now, how are you fixed? 
 
 Poverty. — How am I fixed? 
 
 Rushfoot. — Yes. 
 
 Poverty. — Oh! me assets— if you've any interest in 
 knowing, I don't mind telling you, I have an estate in 
 Scotland. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Does this belong to you? 
 
 Poverty. — Poverty Castle? 
 
 Rush toot. — Yes. 
 
 Poevrtv. — I've only a life interest in it. I have an 
 estate in Scotland, a few miles of dirt and rocks, and old 
 trees that have been groaning away for five hundred 
 years. Then there's the stone. 
 
 Rushfoot. — A quarry? 
 
 Poverty. — No, the rocks of the castle. Some bridge 
 building chaps offer to buy the stone. 
 
 Rushfoot. — {Earnestly.) Don't tear the castle down — 
 why, sell it! 
 
 Poverty. — Could I now: 
 
 Rushfoot. — Sure if you can manage to throw in a 
 title with the rocks. 
 
 Poverty. — A title goes with the jail. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Jail! I thought it was a castle? 
 
 Poverty. — A castle — of course to be sure; but you 
 see, me great, great grandfather leased it as a jail, or 
 mad house once— and there's me three thousand shares — 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Interrupting.) If a title goes with the 
 castle, you can sell it to any widow in New York, among 
 the four hundred. It don't matter, my boy, whether it's 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 85 
 
 a castle, jail or lunatic asylum; if the title gives 
 the dear old girl the right to sit even on the royal 
 woodpile, and look into the Queen's kitchen. (Helen 
 appears in front hallway walking on tiptoes. On reaching 
 front entrance, beckons Poverty. The latter makes an ex- 
 cuse to approach Helen, just as Rushfoot finishes his last 
 speech Helen whispers to Poverty.) 
 
 Poverty. (To Helen.) We havn't got to the point 
 yet. 
 
 Helen. — (7c? Poverty.) Make way tor Jack then, he's 
 coming to the front like a man. (Helen disappears.) 
 
 Poverty. — (To Rushfoot.) Of course — to be sure. 
 (Putting his hand in his pocket, as though searching' for a 
 paper.) Pardon me a moment, I had an inventory of me 
 assets. Where can it be? {Goes to left entrance.) Just a 
 moment. Exit Poverty.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Shaking his head.) No — England claims 
 one child, she shall have only one; yet Poverty is a 
 good fellow. (Helen and Jack appear in the hallway, 
 Helen kisses him, ivhile he straightens up preparatory to his 
 interview with Rushfoot. Enters Jack.) 
 
 Jack. — (Coughing.) Mr. Rushfoot. (With nervous 
 dignity.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — Why Randolph! how are you? (Takes 
 Jack's hand. Helen is seen peeping around the corner of left 
 pillar.) 
 
 Jack. — Randolph is not my — name. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Jiside.) What impertinence! (To Jack 
 snappishly) Mr. Randolph, does that suit you better? 
 
 Jack. — No, no, Mr. Rushfoot, you don't understand 
 me. My full name is, John Jack— Ran— dolph. (Dis- 
 gusted with himself.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — Oh, I see! (Laughing.) You take no 
 exception to Randolph. 
 
 Jack. — No sir. I trust that some day, you will do 
 me the honor of calling me your so — your Jack — just 
 Jack — ordinary Jack — just Randolph Jack (^Aside.) This 
 is tough ! 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Laughing and shaking head.) Sure ! I 
 
86 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 had a friend named Jack once, Jack - Reflecting.') Robins. 
 We were bovs together. He was the wildest devil I 
 ever knew, and they tell me, that he's got a son that's a 
 terror. 
 
 Jack. — How did your friend Jack Robins pan out? 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Deliberately.) Oh. all right as a man, 
 but as a bov — My heavens! Cheek! He had an effulgent 
 front, that would make a horse shy. 
 
 Jack. — Have you ever seen his son? 
 
 Rushfoot. — No, nor I don't want to! (Helen in 
 despair.) But Jack, how are you, you are also an art 
 critic? 
 
 Jack. — (Aside.) I'll give him a :ample off my efful- 
 gent front. (To Rushfoot.) Art critic, yes sir, — an art 
 critic, that's what I pretend to be. I'm clever and am- 
 bitious. 
 
 Rushfoot. — That's good, that's the way to talk. 
 (Aside.) Just a little gall. (To Jack.) Ambitious, that's 
 right. 
 
 Jack. — Ambitious to get married. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Why don't you? 
 
 Jack. — With your permission, I will. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Surprised.) My permission? 
 
 Jack. Yes, Mr. Rushfoot, with your consent, I'll 
 
 marry vour lovelvd aughter. Helen is anxious, and I'm 
 willing, no, no, the anxiety is here! (Pointing to htm- 
 self.) 
 
 Rushfoot. — {With suppressed indignation.) Have you 
 been making love to my daughter, sir ? 
 
 Jack. — (Earnestly and looking Rushfoot in the face.) I 
 have. J'm a man of taste. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Cooling dawn.) Admirable taste, but — 
 (Enters Poverty, Rushfoot looks at Poverty and then at 
 Jack. Aside.) Great Scott! how many more! This 
 makes three, counting that young schamp in America, 
 Jack Robins. 
 
 Poverty. — I cant rind me inventory. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Never mind, my lord. 
 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 87 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Rushfoot and then at Jack.) Am 
 I in the way ? 
 
 Jack. — Not in my way. 
 
 Poverty. — That's it. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To Poverty.) Do you know, that Mr. 
 Randolph is also in love with my daughter? 
 
 Jack. — (To himself — surprised.} Also in love? 
 
 Poverty. — • I don't know about the also chap, but I 
 do know about Jack, he wants to take Helen over. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Take her over ? 
 
 Poverty. — Yes — marry her— why not? 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Looking at Jack, and then at Poverty 
 aside.) This is mysterious! (To Poverty.) Not live mi- 
 nutes ago, you were asking my consent — 
 
 Poverty. — To be sure — to let Jack have her. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Aside.) Oh, that's different! There's 
 one third of the mystery solved. 
 
 Jack. — I didn't ask anybody to intercede in my behalf, 
 I'm man enough to face the music myself. 
 
 Rushfoot. I think you are. (*Aside.) I'll floor 
 
 him! (To Jack.) As uming that you're a gentleman, and 
 not addicted to the use of brandy, I'll discuss this ques- 
 tion, evan in the presence of his lordship. When my 
 daughter marries, I shall give her two hundred thousand 
 dollars in addition to her own fortune. What will you 
 give her? 
 
 Jack. — Two hundred and one thousand. 
 
 Rushfoot. Are you a young man of fortune ? 
 
 Jack. — I'll cover your money and raise you one. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Who are you anyway? 
 
 Jack. — John Randolph Robins, Jr. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Looking at Jack.) So you are, and a chip 
 of the old block. (Surveying him.) So you're Jack 
 Robin's son'* 
 
 Poverty. — Of course — the art critic. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Aside.) Two thirds of the mystery is 
 cleared up. Well, well, well. (To Jack.) You'll permit 
 me a little breathing spell, won't you. 
 
88 lord poverty's assets 
 
 
 Poverty. — ■ (To Jack, pleadingly .) Of course— why 
 not ? 
 
 Jack. — A short one, yes. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Going toward left entrance.) Is it possible? 
 {Looks at Jack.) Yes, the other third of the mystery 
 vanishes. {Exit Rushfoot.) 
 
 Helen. — (Enters from arched entrance.) Come on 
 Jack. 
 
 Jack. — Hurrah! (To Poverty.) Come on, let's get 
 out of here. Hurrah ! 
 
 Poverty. — Why not: {Exeunt Jack. Helen and Po- 
 verty. Helen and Jack are seen embracing. Poverty con- 
 gratulating them. Enters Mr. Maby followed by Mrs. 
 Ma by.) 
 
 Maby. — Her treachery was fiendish — she ought to 
 suffer. 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — She docs. Read her letter. 
 
 Maby. — (Refusing letter.) No, no! Forget her. 
 
 Mrs. Main'. — She has left Dorchester Oaks tor good, 
 — London is to be her future home. Poor sinful Lizzie, 
 gone out ol my life forever! No friends and poor Even 
 Mr. Gower en learning o! her treacherous letter to the 
 London press broke their engagement and refused even to 
 see her. 
 
 Maby. — Come, let us wander through the labyrinths 
 of this historical old place. (Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Maby. 
 Enters Helen and Effie through main hallway, the latter 
 laughing half hysterically.) 
 
 Helen. — (Out of breath. Laughs.) Oh, how Jack 
 did mix us all up! 
 
 Efrie. — You and Jack are mixed up for good now, 
 aren't you? (Laughing.) Oh dear! 
 
 Helen. — (Sentimentally.) Forever and forever! Father 
 hasn't said the word yet, but it's all right. I must get a 
 wrap, Jack made me come back ond get one. He's so 
 careful of me. (To Effie.) Why don't you get engnged 
 it's so nice? Do please, for my sake. 
 
 Effie. — (Laughing.) For your sake? 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 89 
 
 Helen. — (Earnestly.) I mean for Lord Poverty's 
 sake. He loves you, and he's got money now. Of 
 course, I wouldn't sacrifice you to a lord, unless he had 
 money — of course not. 
 
 Effie. — - You think he loves me? 
 
 Helen. — I know he does! (Tragically.) I swear he 
 does! (Looking at Effie with a knowing glance.) And I 
 know something more than that. 
 
 Effie o — What, pray ? 
 
 Helen. — You love him. (Tragically .) I'll swear to 
 that too. 
 
 Effie. — (Seriously. Tutting her arm around Helen.) 
 
 ou happy, happy, dear girl! I will tell you. Though 
 Lord Poverty is a strange man, different from all men, 
 in all ways, I do love him. He sought me, a poor 
 girl, forced by fate to abide in a land, and among a 
 people, that my father, my mother knew not; he has 
 asked me to become his wife. Helen, I would, if Bruce 
 Buckingham were here to give — his consent, for I d -I 
 do love him. I have tried to laugh the thought out of 
 my life, but in vain. Some mysterious, undefinable in- 
 fluence tells me, that I shall be his wife, but not until 
 Bruce Buckingham consents. (Making an effort to laugh.) 
 So you see I shall have to wait. 
 
 Helen. — Does Lord Poverty know you are only wait- 
 
 ing? 
 
 Effie. — ■ (Shaking her head.) No! - 
 
 Helen. — Here he comes. Oh, Jack will scold for 
 keeping him waiting so long. (Exit Helen. Enters Po- 
 verty.) 
 
 Povertv. — You're alone Miss Revere? You see I 
 must call you that hereafter — of course— why not? 
 
 Effie. — Please don't Lord Poverty. 
 
 Poverty. — Some day, when you're married, I might 
 call you Maloney, when your husband was about; it 
 would be awkward, you know. 
 
 Effie. — I shall never marry. 
 
 Poverty. — You won't now, Fanc)M 
 
 Effie. — Never! 
 
90 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Etfie.) You will make a good 
 spinster? Some day, in years to come. (Rings.) Of 
 course — why not? You've been a fine girl, Maloney — 
 I've had me eye on you. And you want to be a spin- 
 ster ? 
 
 E tie. — ■ Yes, an old maid . 
 
 Poverty. — - The world thinks, that any sort of femi- 
 nine rubbish is good enough for a wile, that an old maid 
 is good for nothing. They forget, that in the matiimo- 
 nial market, the best stuff is often left over. It gets 
 shop worn, why not? — but the quality is there. (Enters 
 Bullock. To Bullock.) Bullock fetch me old assets. 
 
 Bullock. — Himmediately, me hid. (Bullock retires.) 
 
 Effie. — The same holds true of bachelors, does it 
 not? 
 
 Poverty. — Why not ? 
 
 Effie. — You'll marry some time, my lord. 
 
 Poverty. — (Looking at Etfie with marked earnestness.) 
 Ii I wait until you're shop worn, will you have me? Oi 
 course - vou mi^ht chance me then. 
 
 E fie. — (Bashfully.) How long are you to be in Ame- 
 rica ? 
 
 Poverty. — (Turning his head slowly and looking at 
 Effie in slight astonishment .) Not till you're shop worn 
 You've color enough in your face to last tor years — 
 wrinkles don't come in a day. I'll come back -why 
 not? and wait for vears — and watch vou decay. You 
 might have a bad spell for a year or two. of course — then 
 you'd wear quick. You know a woman without beauty, 
 is like a soldier without a gun. She surrenders at the 
 word. I'll knock about alone {Looking' at Effie.) until 
 vour cheeks tade. 
 
 Effie. — Lord Poverty, I believe you love me. 
 
 Poverty. — ■ Win* not? You see Eve always been — (To 
 himself) mushed — mushed — that's not it — squashed — yes 
 — that's it. Eve always — {Hesitates.) wanted you. 
 
 Effie. — (Approaches Poverty. Solemnly and with eyes 
 fixed on the floor.) Lord Poverty, I love vou. Though I 
 love you, I can not become your wife without the con- 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 91 
 
 sent — (Enters Bullock carrying old steamer trunk. On the 
 end, painted in black letters, is the name " Bruce Buckin- 
 gham ' slicking out front beneath the cover , is a quantity of 
 strazv. As Bullock approaches the table, ivhere he places the 
 trunk, the st raiu falls on to the floor. 
 
 Bullock. — Me lud, Hi'ad to clear haway the rub- 
 bish. When Hi placed the trunk hin the Harches Tower, 
 Hi must 'ave left the top hup, me lud. 
 
 Poverty. — (Opening the trunk, and slowly wiping his 
 hands with handkerchief .) You left the top up, of course. 
 The straw from the rack above has been falling on me 
 assets. 
 
 Effie. — ((ylside.) I must control my feelings. I have 
 for months and I shall continue to. I'll laugh; yes/ 
 laugh. (Struggling with her emotions. To Poverty.) Do 
 you keep your valuables in the stable ? 
 
 Poverty. — No, in the tower. I've lost the only 
 valuable assets I had. If they're not here, there no 
 where. (Opens the trunk. Effie approaches the table, 
 Poverty takes strazv out and throws it on the floor. Poverty 
 looks into the trunk with an odd ga^e. Effie starts.) Here 
 Bullock — {Taking a cm from the trunk.) you needn't mind 
 the other cat. 
 
 Bullock. - (Who has been picking up straw from floor.) 
 Very well, me lud. ( - akes cat and goes to left entrance.) 
 
 Effie. — (Laughing.) Is that one of your valuable 
 assets? 
 
 Poverty. — (Taking kittens from the trunk.) Bullock! 
 
 Bullock. — Yes, me lud. (Turns; trys to conceal a 
 broad smile on seeing the kittens. Approaches Poverty.) 
 
 Poverty. ■ — Be careful of the cat. {Hands Bullock 
 kittens.) 
 
 Bullock. — Yes, me lud. 
 
 Poverty. — It's the only asset I've got, that pays a 
 dividend. (Bullock retires with cat and kittens.) 
 
 Effie. — {Who has been taken zuith a fit of uncont rotable 
 laughter.) Oh dear! Pardon me! (Continues to laugh. 
 Goes to front entrance greatly embarrassed .) 
 
92 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 Poverty, — (Looking at Effie ) You see the cat and 
 kittens were not the assets I was after. {Looks in trunk.) 
 What's this? (Takes bundle of papers from trunk.) Here 
 are me shares — (Examining different documents.) I think 
 so — I'm (Looks at paper.) not— yes, here the}' are. (To 
 Effie.) You said you couldn't become me wite, unless 
 some one consented. 
 
 Effie. — (Who still laughs, ami in evident distress. 
 Xods.) Yes. (Laughs.) 
 
 Poverty. — (With shares in hand, looks at Effie.) Who's 
 the chap? (Shuts down cover oj trunk.) 
 
 Effie. — (Who sees the name " Bruce Buckingham ' on 
 end of trunk, still laughing, now hysterically. Poverty takes 
 her by the hand. Effie half unconsciously staggers to the 
 trunk, throws herself on it.) Bruce Buckingham! (Now 
 weeping and laughing-.) 
 
 Poverty. — (To Bullock, who appears at left entrance^ 
 looking for more straw.) Brandy I 
 
 Bullock. Yes me hid. (Bullock retires.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Leads Effie to a sofa.) Sit down — why 
 not? (Aside.) Thev tell me a shock is good lor hvs- 
 teria. {Kisses her. To Effie ) I'm Bruce Buckingham. 
 (Aside.') An other shock, (Kisses her again.) I consent. 
 
 Effie. — (Starts.) What? 
 
 Poverty. — It's your medicine. (Enters Bullock with 
 brandy hot tie and a glass. Poverty pours some into a glass 
 offers it to Effie.) It's brandy. (Effie drinks.) 
 
 Effie. — (Standing up.) Oh! (Looks at Poverty.) You 
 Bruce Buckingham ? 
 
 Poverty. — Of course — why not? 
 
 Effie. — (Throws her arms around Poverty's neek.) Bruce 
 Buckingham. (Kisses him.) 
 
 Poverty. — (Kisses Effie and looks at audience.) Why 
 not; (To Effie.) I'll tell you all about it, when we get 
 on the steamer. 
 
 Effie. — Steamer? 
 
 Povertv. Yes, you're going to America with us. 
 
 You see, my full name, cutting oft a yard at each end, is 
 
LORD POVERTY'S ASSETS 93 
 
 Bruce Courtland, Phellps, Buckingham, Poverty. (Enter 
 Helen and Jack.) 
 
 Helen. — (Seeing Poverty with his arm supporting Effie.) 
 Oh, have you — ? 
 
 Effie. — {Approaches trunk and leans against it.) Yes. 
 
 Poverty. — (ToHeleiv) Yes, I'm to take her over. 
 
 Helen. — (Clapping her hands.) I'm so happy! (To 
 Poverty.) She loved you all the time. (To Effie, kissing 
 her.) You see, Jack, I wasn't pulling his toot— for a 
 title. (Jack smiles, Helen laughs.) 
 
 Jack. — (Shakes Poverty's hand.) Here comes a lucky 
 man. 
 
 Helen. — (Who sees her father approaching the left en- 
 trance.) Lucky ? 
 
 Jack. — Yes, to get me for a son-in-law. (To Rushfoot, 
 who is followed by Mr. and Mrs. Maby.) How about that 
 breathing spell? 
 
 Rushfoot. — I've had it. Every one in this Castle is 
 your friend, and I am too. (Shakes Jack's hand.) Look 
 here, twas that brandy that did it. You had a good 
 chance to play the goody, goody sneak, and you didn't. 
 Jack (In a low voice.} let me off' for a hundred thousand 
 wont your 
 
 Jack. — Ask Helen. 
 
 Rushfoot. — (Putting his arm around Helen.) You will 
 w r ont you ? 
 
 Helen. — (Looks at Jack who shakes his had.) Father 
 I can't. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Well children, God bless you! 
 
 Mrs. Maby. — (Laughing and kissing Jack.) I never 
 dreamed of having a great art critic for a brother. 
 
 Maby. — (To all.) Harry rede over a moment ago 
 and brought the news tc Sirao pleaded guilty, and got 
 five years " Maxey is doing well and clapped his hands 
 for joy, when he heard that he was to go back to Italy, 
 and that I had made an arrangments to support and 
 educate him. The papers say I am be knighted. 
 
 All. — Good ? good! 
 
94 
 
 LORD POVERTY S ASSETS 
 
 Rushfoot. — (To Poverty, who has been talking to Effie. 
 Low music, Life on the Ocean wave.) Well Bruce 
 my boy we're off. And you're going to marry ? That's 
 right, sure! Be happy, live in peace and in America. 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. You see, if Maloney and I 
 have any misunderstanding, we'll submit the thing to 
 arbitration. 
 
 Rushfoot. — That's right! Let your motto be " Ma- 
 loney and Poverty — for Maloney- — Forever. ,: 
 
 Poverty. — Of course. (To Rushfoot.) Til sell me 
 castle in Scotland. 
 
 Rushfoot. — Your jail. (Laughing.) 
 
 Povertv. — Of course. Sell me jail to the four hun- 
 dred New York widows, and live in America. 
 
 Effie. - - Yes, beneath the blue skies. 
 
 Poverty. — Ot course — why not? 
 
 THL END 
 
,OIiD POVKRTY S ASSETS 
 
 TABLE 
 
 THE FIRST ACT ... 
 
 • • • • 
 
 THE SECOND ACT . 
 
 31 
 
 THE THIRD ACT 
 
 56 
 
 THE FOURTH ACT 
 
 • • • 
 
 • . • 
 
 74 
 
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