P#. 
 
/;-v 
 
 
INFERN.Aj;. CONFEji^XE 
 
 or; 
 DIALOGUES 
 
 OF 
 
 B E T I IL S, 
 
 ON THE 
 
 MANY VICES WHICH ABOUND 
 
 JN THE 
 
 GIVIL AND RELIGIOUS WORLD, 
 
 ■^^ 
 
 Bj JOHN MACGOWAN, 
 
 THE FOURTH EDITION". 
 
 IN TWO VOLUME So 
 
 VOLUME II. 
 
 LONDON: 
 PRINTED FOR WILLIAM BAYNES, 
 
 54, PATERNOSTEH-ROW 
 IS13 
 
DIALOGUES 
 
 OF 
 
 DEVILS. 
 
 — e««0»3«— 
 
 DIALOGUE Xr. 
 
 Fastosus, 
 
 PRAY, Crudelis, what isthism'ghty affiiir, 
 that so highly tickles your tancy ? Let 
 your kindred share in your mirth, 1 beseech 
 you. 
 
 Crud. Yesterday afternoon I was conjured 
 up by Squire Broadfield, to assist in the whip- 
 ping of a poor man, who being ready to perish 
 with hunger, unkickily begged a morsel of bread 
 at his door. But before I give you an account 
 of the whipping, I shall first give you a speci- 
 men of the .^gentleman's character 
 
 Squire Broadfield is a gentleman, and justice 
 of peace. He is worth five thousand pounds 
 a year, and that is enough to make him a gen- 
 tleman, even if his father had been a beggar ; 
 to make him wise, though born a fool ; learned, 
 although a very dunce. Indeed it must be owii- 
 A 2 
 
4 DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 ed; the principal part of his worship's educa- 
 tion, was had under Dr. Ringwood and Dr. 
 Jowler, the celebrated tutors of his kennel. 
 Their maxims he perfectly understands, and 
 their virtues he has adopted ; but five thousand 
 a year you know, makes the study of the ken- 
 nel truly classical. 
 
 Talk you of Orpheus to liim his worship 
 proposes the virtue of llingvv ood to your con- 
 sideration. Do you admire the ardour which 
 tlanies m the Iliads ; his worship says, no mu.- 
 sic like the voice of Jowler. Tell him of the 
 ir.ajesty ol Yirgil, lie'll bid you mind well the 
 grit of his horse, what a majestic creature he 
 is. An emperor, c;ays he, might be proud to 
 ride such another. Do you recommend the 
 pleasures''^/ solid learning to him, he is in rap- 
 tures about the diversions of the chace. As 
 jet he hath avoided the yoke of matrimony ; 
 not that he was ever an admirer of continence, 
 few geotlemc n beii ^ more conversant with the 
 fair sex than his worship. 
 
 He keeps in his house a wanton train of over- 
 fed servants, the superfluitie^s of vvhose table 
 ■would comfort the bowels of many indigent : 
 besides a pack of hounds, which elevour n^ore 
 than serves to maintain all the poor in the 
 parish workhouse. But this miserable wretch 
 who cannot work because he is lame, and hav- 
 ing no parish to fiee to for re^litf. chooseth to 
 beg rather than steal, for which his worship or- 
 dered him to be severely whipt by my goocl 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 5 
 
 son the beedle, till he shall be made willing 
 either to steal for living or to die of hunger. 
 
 Imp. I am not certain that John Ketch, 
 Esq. of fatal character had any hand in pro- 
 curing the law for whipping beggars; but cer- 
 tainly it adds greatly to his revenue. Nor am 
 I certain that it was made on purpose to drive 
 vagrants from begging to stealing, in order 
 more speedily to ease the nation of such a 
 burden ; but certain I am, it greatly helps to 
 fill up the Tyburn chronicle. J3ut what more, 
 cousin ? 
 
 Crud. As the poor lame fellow was con- 
 fronted by the beedle, and was convinced of 
 the reality of his worship's benevolent inten- 
 tion to have him v/ell flogged ; he 'fell on his 
 knees, and implored mercy for God's sake, 
 and for Christ's sake, &:c. promising that, if he 
 might be forgiven this once, he would never 
 return to these parts any more. He pleaded 
 his indigence, his hungry belly, his lameness, 
 his belonging to no parish, and every thing his 
 fear could devise ; but all served only to har- 
 den the justice's heart the more. He ordered 
 the beedle to take him away, and do his duty 
 immediately. The beedle signified to him as 
 they drew near to the Vvhipping post, that he 
 felt some relentings of heart towards him ; 
 and that if he could only give him an hand- 
 some fee, he would favour him as much as 
 his reputation would admit of. But, upon 
 enquiry, finding that the old fellow was so 
 A 3 
 
6 DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 wicked as to have no mone}', his heart became 
 like brass, and he resolved to ply him 
 thoroughly to the satisfaction of his worship. 
 Accordingly when Squire BroadSeld and 
 me arrived in company to see the sport, there 
 was the poor rascal, whose poverty was his 
 principal crime, tied to the post and mangled 
 with the cord, which the histy beedle plied 
 with nervous arm. 
 
 Oh ! how his worship and me did laugh to 
 fee the villain, whose poverty was obstinate, 
 leaping, as his lameness w^ould let him, and 
 writhing his bloody back, as the whip was 
 lustily played about him by the sturdy beedle ; 
 who for his part, would rob and steal and do 
 any thinj, rather than be whipped by a trusty 
 brother of the trade ; yea, would act ten thoui- 
 sand villainies rather than die of hunger. This 
 fellow must be a most incorrigible rogue to be 
 sure, if he is not willing by this time either 
 to steal and be hanged, or patiently to die of 
 an empty belly. 
 
 Imp. What, Crudelis, have they made a 
 law to whip all the beggars that infesic your 
 country ? 
 
 Ckud. No, no, Impiator, I heartily wish there 
 were such a law, for then I would even quit my 
 devilship to become king of the beedles. If all 
 beggars were to be punished at the whipping- 
 post, (asl know no reason why the}' should 
 not) perhaps his worship himself, and his re- 
 verence the parson of the parish, would not 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 7 
 
 escape a thorough drubbing. And yet, Cru- 
 delis as my name is, I think the whip-beggar- 
 law is very partial and unjust, as it lays hol4 
 on none but poor petty beggars, who would 
 be content with bread, shins of beef, and table 
 beer ; whilst others may with impunity beg, 
 and obtain some thousands a year of the na- 
 tion's money. 
 
 What are all the ranks of mankind, but so 
 many beggars ? Does not his reverence, the 
 inferior clergyman, beg a living from my lord 
 bishop, or some neighbouring nobleman ; and 
 do not their lordships beg of the king ? Do not 
 the very members of parliament come hat in 
 hand, and meanly beg of the corporaiion, 
 having no consciousness of worth in themselves ? 
 Do not the pliant courtiers, sue to the favourite 
 for places of trust for the sake of the profit ; 
 Beggars all, besides the stern patriot, a pelican 
 which does not appear once in a century. But 
 if their lordships, the noble beggars ; and their 
 honors, the gentlemen beggars, are to be 
 considered as authors of the whipping-law, 
 I should have wondered indeed, if care had 
 not been taken to exerapi themselves from its 
 penalty. 
 
 The cav^e stands exactly thus. If a gentle- 
 man, extravagant beyond his revenue, begs 
 for a thousand or two per annum, he shall not 
 only escape with impunity, but obtain his suit ; 
 provided always, he will be the humble pliant 
 creature of the minister; but if a poor help- 
 
S DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 less, low-born wretch, pinched with hunger, 
 happen to beg a piece of bread at an inter- 
 dicted place, he shall be exercised at the whip- 
 ping-post. 
 
 Infid. I think sir, you agreed to give us 
 some account of your affairs. We should hold 
 ourselves much honored by the favor. But 
 for this, I would beg the history of my son 
 Crudelis, who makes himself so merry at the 
 expence of foolish vicious mortals. 
 
 Fast. His history might be entertaining 
 enough, I suppose; but doubtless mine must 
 be much more elegant and instructive, as my 
 concerns have been mostly with venerable gen- 
 tlemen, and with none more than those of the 
 sacerdotal function. 
 
 Notwithstanding I prevailed with the Jews, 
 almost unanimously to contemn the person and 
 testimony of Jesus of Nazareth, the Christian 
 religion gained ground in the world. Yea, 
 the word of God grew mightily and prevailed 
 over the traditions of both Pagan and Jewish 
 sages ; therefore, from thenceforward I found 
 it necessary to deal deep in the things of re- 
 ligion. 
 
 I began my trade with ecclesiastical titles, 
 which were altogether unknown in the days 
 of Christ and his apostles ; a set of goods very 
 venerable with the populace, and wholly of 
 my manufacture. An assortment of trifles, 
 which greatly pleased the lords of rehgion and 
 forwarded the deep designs of priest-craft, , 
 
DIAL. IL] OF DEVILS. 9 
 
 Imp. With )our leave, sir, I have heard 
 that all the lord bishops are descended in a di- 
 rect hne from the apostles ; must it not then 
 follow, that the convocation at Jerusalem con- 
 sisted ofthe most reverend fathers in God, their 
 graces, my lord Peter, my lord Paul, ^c. dc. 
 jmetropolitans ; and the right reverend fathers in 
 God, my lord Stephen, my lord Philip ; ray lord 
 Timothy, my lord Barnabas Sec. diocesians. 
 
 IxFiD. Son, )'ou ought not to interrupt your 
 honorable uncle. You may remember that 
 these titles are all of later date. 
 
 Fast. ]My nephew shall hear, if he will but 
 have a little patience. The famous lady Pros- 
 perity and you, brother, had not been a very- 
 great while at Rome, before 1 found sufficient 
 encouragement to erect my office ibr vending 
 sacerdotal titles there ; and 1 must own that 
 for many years i had a brisk run of trade, till 
 in fact the church had room for no more, from 
 the great infallible priest at Rome down to a 
 Cumberland curate. 7 he first production of 
 this kind, was a very brilliant medal inscribed 
 with these five capital letters P. A. T. E. R. 
 which having finished, J presented at a general 
 convocation of bisliops, who as yet were not 
 become reverend. They were highly pleased 
 with the device. having never seen such a thing 
 before. The worthies examined it one after 
 another, and all found that the venerable let- 
 ters well put together, and properly interpret- 
 ed, signified Fatlier, And certainly the event 
 
10 DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 has proved, that great is the magical power 
 of this medal. 
 
 Every one said to his fellow ; " What can 
 be more agreeable to our function than this 
 venerable title ? Are not we the fathers of the 
 people ?" They forgot than One is the Father 
 of the people, even God. I was therefore de- 
 sired, with all speed to procure a like medal 
 forevery member of this auuust assembly. Soon 
 after this, I provided medals more highly finish- 
 ed, and inscribed, P, A,T, R, I, A, R, C,H,A, 
 one of which I bestowed on the holy bishop of 
 Rome; a second I gave to the bishop of Alex- 
 andria ; a third to that of Constantinople ; a 
 fourth to that of Jerusalem, and a fifth to him 
 who presided in the church of Antioch. In all 
 which places my medals were more highly va- 
 lued than the finest ruby ; and he who could by 
 any means obtain one of them, was supposed 
 to he elevated far above the common rank of 
 mortals. 
 
 Long and very successfully had I followed 
 this medalion trade, when a famous and wor- 
 thy prelate of Rome, who was a great admirer 
 of my productions, came into my office; after 
 doing obeisance to me, and turning over my 
 pretty devices, he asked nie, *' If I thought 
 with all my ingenuity, I could produce a genu- 
 ine medal with this inscription, 
 F, A, P, A, S, : S, U, P, R, E, M, U, S, 
 
 OR, 
 
 EPISCOPUS UNIVERSALIS." 
 
BIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 11 
 
 I told him that, if all the artists in hell, were 
 to unite their wisdom in one mechanical head, 
 it would be utterly impossible; for said I, the 
 whole creation doth not furnish sufficient ma- 
 terials. But if it please your holiness, J can 
 make you a sham medal of that sort, which 
 may perhaps answer all the ends you have in 
 view, as well as if it were real. Oh ! said he, 
 I care not for my part whether it is real or 
 counterfeit,if I can only by your assistance, my 
 worthy Fastosus, impose upon the credulity of 
 mankind: and make the world believe that I 
 am supreme pope and universal bishop ; then 
 I should reign with despotic power, over the 
 estates and consciences of all Christians. My 
 good friend, please you to make me the medal 
 and I will cause the world believe that I had it 
 from the Almighty, with letters patent under 
 the broad-seal of heaven, for the sole use of it 
 to me and my successors for ever. '' I well 
 know, returned I, that your holiness means no 
 more, than in a pious manner to impose the 
 cheat upon the world, the better to fill your 
 coffers, and aggrandize your name ; in which 
 laudable undertaking, your adored Fastosus 
 shall be ever ready to direct and assist." 
 
 To work I went, having called in the assist- 
 ance of several of our friends, and made a coun- 
 terfeit medal, in the likeness of a treble crown, 
 vnth certain inscriptions of the cabalistic kind 
 upon it. They were short but pithy sentences. 
 
12 DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 as you shall hear. On the one side of the 
 first crotvn was inscribed, 
 
 He that is honored as the wearer of this 
 
 medal, is possest of infaUible knowledge. 
 
 Opposite to that was carved, in fine Italian, 
 He is supreme over all laws divine and hu- 
 man. On the right side of the second crown 
 
 were these words in Jarge capitals. This is the 
 
 head of the church. On the left were these, 
 
 This is the vicar of Christ and successor of 
 
 Peter. On the third and uppermost crown 
 
 were the following, The keys of heaven, hell, 
 and purgatory, are in his possession, and used 
 only at his pleasure. Round the edge was this 
 writing, He reignetli supreme over all the kings 
 of the earth, putteth down one and exalteth 
 an-jcher at his pleasure. 
 
 When finished, I presented it to the arch- 
 prelate, who received it with all imaginable 
 thankfulness, viewed it with the most exquisite 
 deligh', and oftener than once, protested by 
 his infallibility that he had never seen any thing 
 contrived with equal art, nor so suitably adapt- 
 ed to his aspiring principles. Transported 
 with joy he cried out, '* O thou ingenious 
 spirit ! bless thee for thy assistance ! This pre- 
 cious medal will exalt my name above all that 
 is called God ; all the European princes will 
 now become my vassals, and the adorers of my 
 priestly majesty. But to complete the work, ' 
 I pray thee, good Fastosus, think of some suit- 
 able device for me, by which I may bind all the 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 13 
 
 various ranks of tlie clergy to my interest ; for 
 J shall never dare to show my miraculous medal, 
 nor divulge the delightful inscriptions on it, 
 unless I have something of the like nature to 
 present to their reverences; for this alone v. ill 
 €xcite them to favour the cheat. As for lay- 
 men, the scum of nature, I regard not them. 
 They are asses, upon whom we shall ride with 
 pleasure and profit ; and if at any time the3r 
 ride restif, we will tame them with the rod of 
 discipline, and so belabour them with the cud- 
 gel of excommunication, that with gladness 
 they shall submit implicitly to our decisions. 
 Could not the great Fastosus strike me a variety 
 of medals, of different worth and designs; and 
 lodge them safely in my possession, that I may 
 have the sole diistribution of them amongst my 
 depending clergy ; for unless they cleave as 
 close to me, as the scales to the back of Levia- 
 than, I shall never be able to support my pre- 
 tensions to infallibility and supremacy. 
 
 To which I replied, <' Great priest, in order 
 to bind the clergy inviolably to your interest, 
 let me advise you to take care that your de- 
 cisions be always in their favour ; place your 
 own grandeur in the front of all your proceed- 
 ings and let theirs immediately follow it ; 
 which advice the good man cordially embrac- 
 ed, and ever since has invariably ibliowed it 
 with the utmost precision. 
 
 From henceforth, continued I, I give you 
 full power and authority to preside over all 
 
 VOL. II. c 
 
H BiALOGtrEs [dial. 11, 
 
 those medals which I have already issued 
 forth ; and for the future the disposal of them 
 shall be at your holirless's pleasure. I will 
 moreover add to the number, and you shall 
 have more than sufficient to gain all the clergy 
 to your party. But observe, yoti must receive 
 this power at the hand of great Fastosus, for 
 ibis by me alone you can lord it over the 
 estates and consciences of men. The great pre- 
 late heard with attention, and then rejoined, 
 <* Mighty Fastosus, if you will obligie me in 
 this, you may depend upon me and all my 
 successors as faithful subjects ; implicately o- 
 bedient servants to your highness, and your 
 father Bekebub. Nor do I doubt but the rest 
 of the priests, for the saice of power, will be 
 equally loyal to you and impkcable enemies 
 to Immanuel, therefore your kindnesses shall 
 be gratefully returned on our parts. 
 
 " Very well, said I, but be sure that all your 
 villainy be carried on under the shew of sancti- 
 ty, otherwise you will do us but little service." 
 
 Avar. Then, sir, by what you say, it may 
 be concluded the hoary prelate at Rome is 
 very sensible that he is Belzebub's agent, and 
 that all his pretensions beyond those of the 
 lowest paistor are an imposition. . 
 
 Fast. Yes, Avaro, he knows it very well, 
 and that makes him the more like unto us ; in- 
 deed the cheat is so palpable, that any one who 
 has read his Bible with attention must needs 
 see through it. But by these proceedings I 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS, 1^ 
 
 soon found I had cut out a great deal of work 
 for myself, so that I was obliged to be doubly 
 diligent. However, my sole delight being to 
 promote the works of darkness, I soon strack 
 ofFseventy new medals, inscribed Cardinalis, 
 These I presented to his holiness, who exa- 
 mined them with great attention, and was 
 highly pleased with the ingenious device. 
 
 " Most noble spirit, said he to me, thesB 
 medals, I perceive, will raise the gentlemen 
 who receive them next in dignity to myself, 
 and they will be the first and most able to sup- 
 port the see of Rome." You must needs know, 
 my friends, that this prediction has been fully 
 accomplished. For in all ages, since the car- 
 dinals received their medals, they have been 
 truly indefatigable in establishing the power 
 and supremacy of the pope. His holiness and 
 they being so intimately connected, that they 
 must stand or fall together. 
 
 In the next place, I struck off a considerable 
 number somewhat inferior to the former, dis- 
 tinguished by a Mitre on one side, and on the 
 other by the inscription Archiepiscopus 
 which in like manner I presented to the father 
 of the world, much to his satisfaction. These, 
 said he, shall fix the class next to the former, 
 and I doubt not but every one of them will be 
 sufficiently obsequious in expectation of a car- 
 dinal's hat. The archbishops bemg thus dis- 
 pose- • o^, I took all the diocesian medals, which 
 I had formerly produced, and put them under 
 B 2 
 
16 DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 tlie care and disposal of the great prelate; and 
 he was pleased to assign them to those, who 
 were next in place to the archbishops, each 
 one in hnmble expectation of higher prefer- 
 jnent. 
 
 Avar. Hah uncle! was it 3'ou that made 
 those titles ascribed to the various orders of 
 the clergy ? 
 
 ^ Fast. Was it I, do you ask ? Yes, it was 
 I indeed ! Who ever read in the New Testa- 
 ment, any thing at all about a supreme bishop, 
 or about cardinals, and lord bishops? I made 
 them all I assure you cousin : though I will 
 not affirm, that every person v»ho has borne 
 these names, has been absolutely under the do- 
 minion of pride. 
 
 To my great Ijonor I speak it Avaro, I 
 ceased not when I had made their lordships 
 the diocesians, but went on with my trade, 
 till I had procured curiOus medals for a very 
 great number of abbots, swarms of monks and 
 friars, Jesuits, franciscan and dominican friars, 
 with a long train of etceteras, who soon apr 
 peared in shoals, as numerous as locusts when 
 they ascend out of the bottomless pit. Then 
 followed tiie bare-headed capuchins, mendi- 
 cants, penitents, pilgrims, &c. without nmm- 
 l)er. Those religious gentry owe all their dig- 
 nity to me, unless it may be that Avaro has 
 some little hand in the matter. 
 
 AvAp. You do me great honor, sir, in 
 mentioning mp as a worker together with you. 
 
PIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS, 17 
 
 Fast. After all this, the subtile priest 
 thought that the antichristian hierarchy of 
 Rome could not stand upon a foundation solid 
 enough, unless all, or at least some of the prin- 
 ces of Europe were invested with ecclesiastical 
 titles, and so adopted into the new modelled 
 church. Therefore I told his holiness, that I 
 had three highly finished medals by me ready 
 prepared, fitting for royal personages. Heie 
 said I, is one inscribed. Rex Catholicus; let it 
 be presented to your servant his majesty of 
 Spain. This second medal, inscribed Rex 
 Christianissimus will be an acceptable present 
 to your vassal the French king ; and this third 
 inscribed, Rex Fidel issimus, I ad\ise you to 
 bestow upon the little monarch of Portugal. 
 His hoary holiness with raptures replied, 
 *^ Very good most noble Fastosus, this device 
 will doubtless secure all these three princes, as 
 so many pillars to support m^^ infallibilit}'. 
 But what of the kingr of England, sir ? 1 dread 
 those islanders. Is there do medalion charm,. 
 by which that invincible prince can be secur- 
 ed to cur interest ? I pray you good Fastosus 
 lend me an hand in this." 
 
 I shall endeavour to serve your holiness, re- 
 plied I, and then he withdrew. Soon after I 
 presented him with a medal suited to his wish. 
 It bore this inscription, Defensor Fide, and 
 was given to the monarch of England ; but 
 alas ! it has not answered our expectations, for 
 this same monarch instead of defending tho 
 B 3 
 
18 KIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 orthodox faith of Rome, was the first crown- 
 ed head that ■.■ji-t^ccst cd against the supremacy 
 of the ItaHan bishop. 
 
 Avar. It is somewhat drol! that the king*- 
 of England having shaken off the yoke of 
 Rome, should still keep possession of the me- 
 dal, which his predecessors received as a pre- 
 sent from the pope. One would think that 
 when the pope himself was renounced, in strict 
 justice all his gifts should have been restored, 
 and the title Defender of the Faith, have been 
 by a protestant prince rejected amongst the 
 rest of Romish trumpery ; but wonders never 
 cease. Did you finish here, sir ? 
 
 Fast. No, Avaro, I assure you, manytitlts 
 besides these were first issued from my office, 
 such as His Grace, a title claimed by many a 
 graceless duke, as well as antichristian priest. 
 His Lordship, a title by which many a profane 
 nobleman and irreligious bishop are distin- 
 guished. His Honor, claimed by many persons 
 who never felt one desire after true honor. 
 When a gentleman's honor depends merely up- 
 on his estate, table and equipage, such a title 
 as His Honor, very ill becomes him, yet many- 
 such there are who claim the appellation. 
 
 Avar. If high birth and an ample fortune 
 do not entitle a man to, his Honor, I pray 
 you what will ? 
 
 Fast. An honorable conduct, Avaro, with- 
 out which he is only a clown in disguise. And . 
 many such fools you may find wrapt in scarlet 
 and laccj with swordb dangling by their sideSt 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 19 
 
 Imp. I beg leave to observe that, accord- 
 ing to modern maxims in my country, he is 
 esteemed a man of honor, who can imitate the 
 popish priests in scorning wedlock, and fre- 
 quenting the company of lewd wpmen. He 
 who is a stranger to every delicate and cljaste 
 sentiment; who scorns religion, disregards 
 morality, and thinks it beneath his dignity to 
 keep any x)f the commands of God ; or even 
 for a moment, to reflect that there is an here- 
 after. It would be difficult to persuade some 
 people, that the British senate is too much 
 composed of euch men of honor as tliese. I 
 should be glad, sir, to hear your opinion of a 
 man of honor moi-e at larg.e, fpr I know that 
 you are wise. 
 
 Fast. A gentleman of true hoijor, fails 
 Bot to improve his estate, be it great or small, 
 to the best advantage ; for he is neither indo- 
 lent nor extravagant. His increasing revenues 
 are not heaped up for adoration, nor laid by as 
 useless lumber, but applied to clothe the naked 
 back, and refresh the empty belly. His prin- 
 cipal care is not how he may aggrandize his 
 family, but how he may best serve his king and 
 country : for he lives not to himself, but to the 
 public good. He adheres to strict truth, is an 
 utter stranger to impertinent raillery, and per- 
 fectly detests the voice of slander. In his civil 
 affairs he does the same things to superiors, 
 ia^feriorS; and equals, which he would wish 
 B 4- 
 
20 DIALOGUES [dial. 11, 
 
 Others in like circumstances to do for himselfr 
 If at any time he is so unhappy as to give his 
 nei.f^hbour just cause of oMfence, he is free and 
 open in confessing his error, and ready to re- 
 trieve it to the utmost of his power. The title 
 of His Honor is well becoming such a man 
 as this, whether his estate is great or small, 
 his birth illustrious or obscure. But mercenary 
 statesmen, plunderers of the public ill deserve 
 the titles with which they are distinguished. 
 Happy might it be for Britain, if she could al- 
 ways procure officers for every department in 
 government, who would prefer the welfare of 
 the nation to their own personal and domestic 
 emolument. And this every man of true ho- 
 nor will be sure perpetually to do. 
 
 Avar. Then uncle, I am inclined to think, 
 that men of honor are not quite so plenty as 
 some people have imagined. 
 
 Fast. I am sorry to say it, Avaro ; but 
 bad as the world is, there are still many to be 
 found, who with propriety may be called mei> 
 of honor : but it is well for us, they are 
 mostly af obscure character. They cannot 
 act the cringing kuave, and vilely flatter their 
 superiors, in order to gain preferment. Their 
 countenances adorned with comely modesty, 
 cannot contend with the impudence of fools and 
 rogues, therefore continue obscure, even when 
 the most worthless are e?ialted. But if a truly- 
 honorable man, should by some miracle as- 
 cend to an eminent station, and be entrusted 
 with public concerns, his country is suretofmd 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 21 
 
 a nursing-father, and not an accursed step- 
 dame in him, as is often the case with other 
 governors. 
 
 There is likewise, his reverence the parson, 
 a title ascribed to many men, who lead very 
 irreverend lives. 
 
 Avar. True, sir, but it is the vulgar o- 
 pinion, that the reverence of the parson does 
 not depend upon his moral conduct, but upon 
 his investitude received from the hand of the 
 bishop. 
 
 Fast. I know it, Avaro, but it is a pre- 
 vailing mistake. Imposition of the hands even 
 of an apostle, could never make any man re- 
 verend, whose doctrine is heterodox, or whose 
 conversation is immoral, otherwise our friend 
 Simon of Samaria might have been numbered 
 among their reverences. Indeed, Avaro, were 
 any man hardy enough to attempt it, I know 
 of no subject more proper for satire than the 
 pretended reverence of the parsons. But he 
 must be daring indeed, who would set him^ielf 
 to oppose the orthodox priests of the day, for 
 that would be thought by many the very same 
 as to oppose God almighty himself, and every 
 body would cry atheist at him. 
 
 Avar. Pray, sir, what is your opinion of 
 reverence, and to whom may the epithet of 
 reverend consistently be given I 
 
 Fast. To very few of the leaders of any 
 denomination, Avaro, and yet perhaps to some 
 few of every denomination among protestants. 
 B 5 
 
2*2 DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 1 hate them cousin, and could not bear to talk 
 of them were it not to oblige you, for they are 
 avowed enemies to our administration, as you 
 will see by the description of them. For he is 
 a reverend minister, whether he was educated 
 at Oxford or Aberdeen, Ayho makes not gold 
 but the glory of Immanuel, and the welfare of 
 immortal souls, the first ends of his labours. 
 Who is assiduous in his study, fervent in his 
 ministry, and has a paternal affection for his 
 people. Who studies not how to please the 
 great, or to gain the esteem of the staring mul- 
 titude, but to approve himself to God and the 
 consciences of men, not shunning to declare 
 the whole counsel of God, without any mix- 
 ture of the inventions or traditions of men. 
 
 You may follow this man from the church 
 to the market, from the pulpit into his family, 
 and find him all of a piece; his whole conduct 
 is one chain of uniformity. But it is not every 
 gownsman, either papal orprotestant, nor even 
 every dissenting minister, whom this descrip- 
 tion suits. Some there are, and who can deny 
 it, who are haughty and overbearing in their 
 spirits; indolent in study; cool and lifeless in 
 their ministry ; thoughtless and unconcerned 
 about the real welfare of their people. Yea 
 some arc so wretchedly lazy, or so much taken 
 up with idle and vain amusements, that it is 
 with difficulty they can bring forth once a 
 week an oration, fifteen or twenty minutes 
 iong, and that scanty production perhaps, 
 
91AL, 11.] OF DEVILS. 23 
 
 when it is exhibited, proves no more than a 
 lecture on moral philosophy ; or it may be 
 a libel against some different party or denomi- 
 nation of Christians. You may follow some 
 of them from the church to their families, 
 and be fully convinced that they are divines 
 only in name ; they neglect in their families 
 the very duties whidi they recommend to 
 others ; and what is still more, connive at 
 the same vices in their families, which they 
 expose and condemn in the pulpit. But after 
 all they have the cure of souls, and are the 
 venerable and reverend clergy, in the same 
 manner as the pope is the head of the church, 
 I mean by craft and usurpation. 
 
 Avar. I have got a noble company of these 
 same parsons in my corporation of Avarice, 
 whose business it is to vend wind in order to 
 obtain wealth. A company confined to no one 
 denomination, but made up of all ; every one 
 of this company has got his own system of 
 priestcraft, but all are intent upon the main 
 point, viz. to get as much wealth by his craft 
 as possible, indeed the mother church of 
 Rome very far outstrips the rest, for she may 
 lawfully boast that her clergy, to a man, are 
 the stedfast worshippers of the god Avaro, 
 their great benefactor. 
 
 However the protestants, both Calvinists and 
 Lutherans, all who are freemen in the company 
 of avarice, keep as near as possible to the or- 
 thodox priests of Rome, in making a lucrative 
 B 6 
 
24? DIALOGUES [dial. H^ 
 
 trade of what they call the gospel. And how- 
 ever they differ al3out what is, and what is not 
 gospel, they see eye to eye in regard to; 
 making profit of it, and turning the altar of 
 the Lord to their own emolument. 
 
 Infid. How should it be otherwise, my son, 
 seeing there are in some places manufacto- 
 ries, on purpose for making parsons ? 
 
 Fast. So I have heard, brother, with thi» 
 addition, that the making of parsons is reckon- 
 ed both a lucrative and honorable employ- 
 ment, not unworthy of my own patronage. 
 But between you and me, the parson-makers 
 are grievously disappointed frequently, how- 
 ever little they ^e sensible of it ; for when they 
 put their materials into the refining furance, 
 they hope to see at the end of the process, a 
 bright and shining minister of Jesus Christ 
 come forth v But lo ! a lea?Tied calf is produ- 
 ced, and a fervent adorer of the god Avaro. 
 
 Inf. It cannot be otherwise ; for to our 
 grief I speak it, the unalterable Immanuel hath 
 reserved to himself the wisdom, power, and 
 prerogative to make ministers of the gospel ; 
 and if men, like Jannes and Jambres, will take 
 upon them to imitate the inimitable works of 
 the Almighty, they maybe permitted to make 
 things which may for a time be mistaken for 
 gospel ministers, even as those magicians per- 
 formed miracles by divine permission. 
 
 Imp. So then, gentlemen, I perceive your 
 opinion is, that learning the languages and 
 
DIAL. 11.] OF DEVILS. 25 
 
 sciences unfits a man for being a gospel mi- 
 iiister. 
 
 Fast. No Impiatoi*, no such thing, or the 
 gift of tongues had not been giv^n at the feast 
 of Pentecost : But it may be averred, that, if 
 a man has no more learning than the most 
 learned university can give him, he cannot pos- 
 sibly be a minister of Jesus Christ. It is rest- 
 ing in these things as the only qualifications 
 we think proper to laugh at Impiator. 
 
 Avar. Among those mercenary orators, 
 there are whom we may call the jumbler?. 
 They are such who study not tlieir sermons 
 from the scripture, but compile them-from the 
 writings of other men : being destitute of judg- 
 ment to direct them in their compilations, they 
 are obliged to rely implicitly on the sentiments 
 of their autiiors. So it conies to pass, that 
 they contradict on one Sabbath v,hat they as- 
 serted and half-proved the day before, merely 
 because they happened to stumble on authors 
 of different sentiments. But alas 1 poor men, 
 what shall they do ? It is their trade ; they 
 know not hov/ to get a living without it ; they 
 cannot dig, and to beg they are ashamed ; 
 therefore are under a necessity of jumbling 
 forward in the best manner they can. Of late 
 years indeed, tliis jumbling tribo have hit on 
 a more happy method of management, by 
 which they both save their reputation and la- 
 borious study. Amongst learned men there 
 have always been some few of genius and m- 
 
2S DIALOGUES [dial. 11. 
 
 dustry, who have found means to turn the dul- 
 ness and indolence of their brethren to their 
 own emolument. They compose sermons, 
 print and sell them to the others, who pay first 
 a good price for them then preach them, that 
 is to say, read them to their several congre- 
 gations. Enfield's, and Webb's, and Trusler's 
 sermons, have been of great use to many a 
 dull and lazy clergyman. 
 
 Fast. How is this, Avaro, you speak of 
 the parsons as if they were at best but learned 
 fools ? How is it possible they should be so highr 
 ly revered by the people if they were such ? 
 
 Avar. I speak but of some of them, uncle; 
 and to make good what I say, I can tell you 
 that it is not the man, whom the ignorant po- 
 pulace revere, so much as the gown, cassock, 
 and band, and these they would revere if they 
 were seen upon an ass, provided always, his 
 ears were hid with a bush of well powdered 
 hair. I assure you gentlemen, amongst the in- 
 telligent laity, it is deemed a maxim, that any 
 blockhead will do very well for a parson, if he 
 has but friends to recommend him to a living: 
 as a proof of this I shall tell you a short story. 
 There is one Mr Provident, a merchant in 
 London, who hath four sons at the grammar- 
 school, under the direction of a learned gentle- 
 man of excellent sense. It was lately iVIr Prop 
 vident made a visit to his sons and their tutor, 
 when he took occasion to ask Mr Teachum's 
 advice in regard to his disposal of them. 
 
DIAL. 11.] DIALOGUES ^T 
 
 To which the schoolmaster replied, " Sir, 
 I have often with pleasure observed, a penetra- 
 ting judgment, solid understanding, and an 
 inviolable attachment to truth, ennobled with 
 the generous principles of true benevolence, in 
 your eldest son. These qualities, sir, are ex- 
 cellently adapted to the mercantile life ; I 
 would therefore advise you to train him up in 
 your own business. Your second son. Master 
 Thomas, hath genius sufficient for any business: 
 but I hope, sir, you will excuse me, if I tell 
 you that I have discerned one thing in him, 
 which in my judgment, unfits him for the ca- 
 pacity of a merchant. As J know, sir, you 
 would have me to speak freely, you will not 
 be offended with me, if I tell you, that it is a 
 selfishness and contractedness of spirit, toge- 
 ther with a violent propensity to lying and 
 equivocation. If ht; were my son, sir, I would 
 bring him up to the law, in which he will 
 very likely make a conspicuous figure. Your 
 youngest son, Master James, has, if! mistake 
 not, along with a very considerable degree of 
 dullness, an heart that is ^ stranger to sympa- 
 thetic feelings ; but possesseth genius suffici- 
 ent for a physician. I would point out the 
 royal <;ollege for his residence." 
 
 Here Mr Provident the merchant interrupt- 
 ed him, and said, " Sir, you have given your 
 opinion of the two eldest, and the youngest, 
 but you say nothing of Harry, my third son ; 
 I pray what do you say of him?" To which 
 
QS DIALOGUES [dial. 11, 
 
 the teaclier with a blush replied, " If it is a- 
 greeable, sir, I would advise you to make him a 
 clergyman." To this the father, with a mix- 
 ture of grief and anger, replied, " What sir, 
 do you think he hath genius sufficient for no- 
 thing else r' I am afraid not, said the master ; 
 but you can easily make friends with my lord 
 bishop, and procure him a considerable bene- 
 fice. Take this step, sir, and his lack of genius 
 will scarcely be known, as he may preach and 
 administer the offices of the church by proxy, 
 which you know is very gentleman-like. 
 
 Infid. And do you really think, Avaro, 
 that it is want of abilities to preach, that cau- 
 seth so many vicars ta keep journeymen to do 
 their work for them ? 
 
 Avar. With some, sir, want of abilities is 
 the principal cause, and with the rest, an 
 utter aversion to the work, though by the 
 way, they once professed to be drawn to it by 
 no less an influence than that of the Holy 
 Ghost : but that was when a benefice was the 
 object of their pursuit, and therefore not to 
 be regarded after th^^r end is obtained. 
 
 Fast. Cousin Avaro, here I believe we 
 must stop, as we have certainly overstaid ouv 
 time. I hold it good therefore that we de- 
 part, and meet here at the usual time to-mor- 
 row. Business you know must not be ne- 
 glected- Adieu, my kinsmen. 
 
DIALOGUE Xlt 
 
 Fastosus^ 
 
 Well gentlemen, I hope no idleness has 
 attended any of our fraternity since last meet- 
 ing. I went directly from you to assist a 
 London jeweller in forming a set of ear-rings 
 and pendents upon a new constructiop. I 
 made him sensible of the most elegant plan, 
 enjoined him to pursue it, give the prait^c to 
 his patron Fastosus, and so I left him. 
 
 Imp. I pray you, sir, what is the real use 
 of ear-rings ? For my part, I have never been 
 able to apprehend it, unless it is to save a small 
 matter of gold against a day of penury. 
 
 Fast. They are of no use at all to the wear- 
 er, Impiator, though they help the goldsmith 
 and lapidary not a little ; but they are of ex- 
 cellent use to our government. You know the 
 boring of the ear always was, and now is an 
 emblem of servitude. Yea, it is an incontro- 
 vertible point, that the act of boring, and suf- 
 fering the ear to be bored, is a token of sub- 
 jection to the infernal monarch. 
 
 Imp, Ah, sir, how evidently the spleen 
 would rage among the ladies, were they to 
 know what you say of them. 
 
30 DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 Fast. And let it rage cousin, what is that 
 to me ? The ladies are too much in love with 
 courtly Fastosus, to banish me from among 
 them even in their spleenish fits. But to ex- 
 plain the doctrine of ear-rings, be it observed, 
 that the crafty Belzebub hath an invisible 
 chain fixed to the ear-ring, by which he leads 
 the wearers a wild-goose chase through all the 
 vanities of the times. No sooner does the 
 sable governor tug a lady by the ear, than she 
 feels an impulse upon her heart, which directs 
 her to the Playhouse. Opera, Vauxhall, Sad- 
 lers- Wells, or elsewhere ; but very seldom to 
 the church. If at any time, for the sake of 
 company, she takes her pleasure at church, 
 the great deceiver keeps such a gingling of 
 the chain in her ear, that she cannot attend to 
 one word of the service ; by these means the 
 Park, the Mall, the Playhouse, and the 
 Church, are in effect the same thing to ptiany 
 ladies of fashion. 
 
 Avar. And are all who wear rings in their 
 ears, to be looked upon as slaves to the great 
 Belzebub, uncle ? 
 
 Fast. No Avaro, not all, for the invincible 
 Immanuel hath broken the chains and loosen- 
 ed the bands of servitude from many, never- 
 theless, they still wear the rings in their ears 
 to testify what they have been. And what 
 news from your friends, Avarq ? 
 
 Avar. Very little, sir ; onjy that diligence, 
 frugality, and good husbandry, go on as usual. 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVILS. Si 
 
 All heads plodding, and all hands active to 
 get and to save ; for getting and saving is all 
 the cry with them. I had a little matter to at- 
 tend to last night, at the Swan-tavern, where 
 there was a very respectable meeting of manu- 
 facturers, by whom some few things tending to 
 promote emolument were considered. The 
 first consultation was, " How they might con- 
 veniently lessen the quality of their goods, that 
 their profits might be somewhat advanced ;" 
 in order to this a plan was proposed by Mr. 
 Dolus, a very great tradesman, which was 
 unanimously agreed to by the rest. The second 
 thing was to settle the prices, and come into 
 mutual engagements that no one should under- 
 sell his brethren, which after some slight alter- 
 cation was as unanimously settled. You must 
 know, mankind are not satisfied with being op- 
 pressed by infernal tyranny; but to add to the 
 devil's work, are got into the happy way of 
 joining in combinations to oppress and devour 
 one another. Nor is this practice peculiar to 
 any one set of men, but is common with dealers 
 of every kind and denomination, from the 
 opulent farmers to tlie dealers in coals and 
 candles. 
 
 When this was done, a question was put. 
 How they should finish a certain quantity of 
 goods against a certain day then proposed ? 
 For it seems they have large orders at present. 
 To which one of them said, he thought it ne- 
 cessary to advance the journejKiens wages is 
 
3^ iJIALOGUES [dial. 1%, 
 
 order to encourage their diligence. But this* 
 gentleman's motion was unanimously rejected, 
 as an enprofitable way of proceeding, very ill- 
 suited to the growing demands of their several 
 families. It was then proposed, that a small 
 premium should be given to every workman 
 who should finish a certain quantity of goods in 
 a limited time, then and there to be stipulated. 
 But this also M'as objected to, it being alleged, 
 that some method might be found, that would 
 produce the desired end, and yet save all those 
 unnecessary premiums ; which if given would 
 introduce a very bad custom. 
 
 At last an old gentleman, whose hoary locks 
 shone as silver from under his weather-beaten 
 wig, arose and most judiciously addressed his 
 brethren in the following manner : ''Gentle- 
 men, you all know that such is the indolent 
 disposition of journeymen, that in general let 
 their wages be ever so good, they have no no- 
 tion of obtaining more than will procure them 
 a bare maintenance through the week, and a 
 few quarts of strong beer on Saturday night 
 and Sunday. Therefore to advance their wages, 
 is the certain way to have them work less than 
 they do at present. But let us lessen their 
 wages in proportion to our extraordinary call 
 for goods : for by how much the more we 
 drop the prices of workmanship, by so much 
 the more work shall we have done. A bare 
 living they must have, let the prices be ever so 
 low : and but a bare living they will have, if 
 
BIAL. 12.] OF DEVILS. S3 
 
 they are ever so high. If we advance the price 
 they work less, and if we drop it, they will, 
 tliey must work more. I say then let us drop 
 the prices." 
 
 The old gentleman's advice was cordially 
 embraced by them all, and e\-ery one blessed 
 the sagacity of the old fox now grown grey in 
 wisdom. And this day, or to-morrow, the jour- 
 neymens wages are to be lessened accordingly. 
 
 Fast. In the close of our last interview 1 v.as 
 going to observe, that my prevalency is great 
 amongst the nobility and gentry. By my in- 
 d.efatigable industry the greater part of them 
 are rendered altogether insensible of their ori- 
 gin, so that they look down on their inferiors as 
 a set of despicable creatures, of a species very 
 different from themselves; not considering that 
 my Lord Superbo and poor Lazar Ask-alms 
 are by nature brethren, formed of the same 
 ^Tiaterials, and conceived in the womb of the 
 same earth. 
 
 Avar. Yet sir, if my observations are just, 
 I think they have some kind of an imperfect 
 notion that they v/ere originally formed of the 
 earth; but as one part of the substance of the 
 earth is esteemed much m.ore precious and va- 
 luable than another, perhaps the people of 
 fashion have the happiness of being formed of 
 the more rich and esteemed particles, rind the 
 rest of mankind the infelicity of deriving their 
 beings from vulgar clay. This is the more 
 iikely, as there is a manifest differerice between 
 
34f DIALOGUES [Dial. 12* 
 
 their constitutions and those of people in the 
 lower spheres of life ; the first being brittle 
 and feeble, the latter more robust and healthy* 
 Fast. That is false philosophy Avaro ; the 
 brittleness you speak of does not proceed from 
 any defect in the natural constitution of their 
 frame, norfrom any rottenness in the materials 
 ©f which they are made, but hath its cause 
 from themselves. Many of them in their in- 
 fancy are nearly starved, from an infamous no- 
 tion that enough of wholesome food is injuri- 
 ous to them* : and you will commonly find 
 that food which yields the most healthful ali- 
 ment, is withheld from them at the instance of 
 Dr Scrawl the family physician. This same 
 gentleman hasnotso little sense under his great 
 wig as not to know that his own personal emo- 
 lument, is intimately connected with the weak 
 constitutions of people of quality, especially 
 the ladies. By his many years study of physic 
 he has proved to a demonstration, that if the 
 young gentry were suffered to eat enough of 
 wholesome food like the farmer's children, his 
 business would not be worth following, 
 
 * Some learned physicians, those celebrated defrauders 
 of the grave, have found out that bread itself, which 
 has been esteemed the stafF of life in all ages, is "at last 
 become dangerous to the constitution, and therefore to 
 be used with caution by all sorts of people, especially 
 «uch as are best able to fee the doctor in case of personal 
 indisposition. As for the poor it is less matter what they 
 eat, as the faculty can reap but little advantage from 
 their sickness. 
 
DIAL. 120 OF DEVILS. 35 
 
 Avar. I know it well — for there is one of 
 my disciples, a certain physician eminent in 
 practice, who hath acquired a genteel fortune 
 by prescription, and who, if he is indisposed 
 himself, will not suffer an apothecary's drug 
 to pass his gullet, a plain indication that he 
 knows it to be hurtful. I have often thought, 
 a good constitution put into the hand of the 
 doctor, is like a good cause put into the hands 
 of the lawyers, it gets worse with deceitful 
 handling* When a man is by the force of 
 medicine fiilrly got down, the skilful physi- 
 cian knows very well how to hold him betwixt 
 life and death as long as possible ; till at last 
 he dies by inches of that prevailing distemper 
 which kills so many people of fashion. 
 
 Fast. True, Avaro, but farther to prove the 
 gentry the causers of their own infirmity, I 
 would observe that what in infancy, penury 
 and wantleave of the constitution unconsumed, 
 luxury and idleness well nigh finish in youth; 
 so that when the lady comes to embrace an' 
 husband, the one half of her remaining days 
 are spent under the hand of the Doctor, and 
 the other half in pleasure and dissipation. As 
 for the young gentleman, before the boyish 
 down on their faces is able to resist the razor, 
 they have commonly contracted such loth- 
 some disorders, as render them more fit for 
 an infirmary than for the marriage bed, and 
 have more need of a surgeon than a wife. 
 Thus, Avaro, you may see by what means 
 
36 DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 the constitutions of the gentry are so fre- 
 quently enfeebleil. 
 
 That they are formed of the same materials 
 with their inferiors will appear, when you con- 
 sider, that, there were none either noble or 
 ignoble in the original state of mankind ; all 
 were on a common level ; but when we had 
 made a conquest of them, it became necessary 
 for the Almighty to dissolve the original equa- 
 lity, that the world might be rendered in some 
 measure tolerable to all, amidst the confusion 
 and disorder which our dominion over them 
 had introduced. For if people cry out that the 
 world is bad now, it is certain it would be in- 
 finitely worse v/ere superiority and inferiority 
 utterly abolished. Moreover the Almighty to 
 .manifest the equity of his procedure, has so or- 
 dered it, that the system of superiority and in- 
 feriority is perpetually upon the change. You 
 may find some persons now, asking alms from 
 place to place, who are descended from prin- 
 'ces and nobles ; and others in the most exalt- 
 ed station, who had their descent from very 
 beggars. 
 
 Inf. Ay brother, that very consideration, 
 to urge no more, if duly attended to, would 
 prevent the contempt which people of elevated 
 rank are apt to let fall on their inferiors. But 
 let them go on till the grand leveller Death 
 approach. He spares neither rich nor poor, 
 iioble or ignoble. Samael knows no distinct 
 fjonS; cannot be bribed like temporal judgeg. 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVILS. S7 
 
 admits of no excuses, and is an utter stranger 
 to pity. At prince, at peasant, at the noble 
 earl and his servile groom, at the dame of ho- 
 nor and the scorched cookmaid, he aims aHke 
 his unerring shaft, and brings all again to the 
 dust from whence they were taken, to rot in 
 their original equality. 
 
 Fast. There is another race which we dis- 
 tinguish by the name of mongrels, with whom 
 I am deeply concerned. This generation of 
 half-bred gentry includes tradesmen, the gen- 
 tlemen of the law and of the faculty, together 
 with the farmers. These gentry consider them- 
 selves as pretty near, if not altogether on a 
 level with the country 'squire, and therefore af- 
 fect the manners of their superiors as much as 
 possible. They are gentlemen, their wives are 
 ladies and madams, and their children masters 
 and misses. Hundreds of such gentlemen and 
 ladies have I known, who couldnot justly boast 
 that any of their ancestors, back to the tenth 
 generation, were proprietors of so much as a 
 single cottage, with a cabbage garden. Yet 
 they imperiously assume a title of address, 
 equal to that of the queen's majesty ; and no 
 labourer or mechanic must dare to approach 
 them, without a sir or madam in his mouth. 
 
 Inf. I have sometimes thought those ladies 
 you speak of, are either ash-imed of their given 
 names, or hold them too sacred for the pro- 
 phane mouths of servants and vulgar creatures; 
 and indeed he would be deem^'d the most uu- 
 
 VOL. IT. C 
 
S8 DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 mannerly wretch that ever trod upon English 
 ground, who should say that Sarah Algood is 
 his mistress; for Sarah must give place to ma- 
 dam, and she is now madam Algood, the shop- 
 keeper's lady, and it v/ould he more than her 
 place is worth for a servant to name her mis- 
 tress in terras less respectable. 
 
 Avar. Excuse me, gentlemen, you know 
 I love to be concerting schemes of profit, and 
 here is one ready projected, which if faithfully 
 executed, would either fill the exchequer, or 
 make a distinction betwixt persons of real qua- 
 lity and their apes in middle life. 
 
 Fast. What is your scheme cousin ? let 
 Its hear it if feasible. 
 
 Avar. I v.ould advise the nobility, gentry, 
 &c. never to go to an horse-course, cock-pit, 
 or play-house ; not to go to Bath nor a 
 bawdy-house, that is to say, never to rest till 
 they have procured a bill, in which it shall be 
 enacted, that very man shall pay the sum of 
 ten pounds sterling per annum, who suffers his 
 ■wife to assume the name of madam. I would 
 likewise have a tax of half the value laid upon 
 every young master and miss, the farmers, apo- 
 thecaries, attornies and tradesmen's children, 
 unless the husband or father can make it ap- 
 pear that his annual rent, clear of all incum- 
 brance, is not less than four hundred pounds; 
 if so much, or upwards, he should stand ex- 
 empted from any such penalty, and enjoy the 
 free use of such names of quality in his family. 
 
 Inf. Although it is quite foreign to my pur- 
 
DIAL. 12.3 OF DEVILS. S9 
 
 pose, to dictate any thing to mankind which 
 may be of service to them, I am free among 
 ourselves to say, that mj' son's scheme is well 
 concerted and might answer valuable purposes 
 were it carried into execution. The numer- 
 ous bankruptcies, which make trade so precari- 
 ous in England, have their spring in this fatal 
 imitation of people of quality, so prevalent a- 
 mong tradesmen. Could this so very pernicious 
 practice by any means be supprest, the indus- 
 trious merchant and manufacturer, would meet 
 with fewer losses by their retailing customers. 
 To your scheme, however, I would add ano- 
 ther tax equally necessary, and that is upon 
 every Play-house, Assembly-room, and place 
 of pleasurable resort. One-fifth at least, of 
 'every ticket to iUmack's Ranelagh, every Play- 
 house, Cornely's, Sadler's-v/el!s, the Pantheon, 
 and every rout whatever, ought to be sacred to 
 government. Till this, or some such thing is 
 done, it will be difficult for the sensible English 
 to believe that there governors aim at any thing 
 beyond tfieir own emolument. As for the 
 tax upon (madam) it appears indispensably ne- 
 cessary, and can admit of no delay; however, 
 we interrupt you Fastosus. 
 
 Fast. I have a great deal of pleasure in stir- 
 ring up people to quarrel with their maker, and 
 to say unto him, " Why hast thou made me 
 thus? I love not the station thou hast placed 
 me in ; I have got parts to qualify me for a 
 better than this in which thou hast placed me, 
 g2 
 
40 DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 therefore I am not dealt with according to my 
 merit." The poor labourer who by the way, 
 is the most happy and contented of his .species, 
 is not altogether pleased, because he was not 
 born a gentleman and heir to a good estate. 
 The 'squire and his lady are almost mad with 
 anger, because they were not descended of no- 
 ble ancestors ; the nobleman himself takes it 
 very unkind that he was not born to govern a 
 kingdom. He that is born heir to a crown 
 hath two things ;.t m hich he is much rffended : 
 first, because the almighty is po long in taking 
 the father to himself, to facilitate his own ac- 
 cession to the throne: secondly, he is not well 
 fjleased because it is a regal, and not an impe- 
 rial crown to which he is born heir. As for 
 the man who is born to imperial dignity, he 
 is angry because he is not appointed lord of the 
 whole world. And one you know, who hav- 
 ing obtained the sway of the whole world yvas 
 angry with God, because he had not made two 
 worlds for him to govern ; even so angry, that 
 he is said to have cried again. Thus in all 
 ranks and degrees of life, I make people quar- • 
 rel with their maker. 
 
 Inf. I have often heard it remarked by our 
 infernal sages, that if the ambitious mind were 
 tc obtain, what it is now in pursuit of, true 
 contentment would be as far distant as ever • 
 and an Alexander who covets a second world 
 to ravage, could he get that; would want a 
 third, after that a fourth, and so on till he had 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVllS. 41 
 
 plandere^l the many millions of v?orlds wliicJi 
 God hath made. Even then, were such a 
 thing possible, his ambition would be as insati- 
 able as ever, and his last effort would be the 
 same as that of father Belzebub's ; I mean, he 
 v/ould attempt to plunder the eternal throne 
 itsslf. Thus they allege, that the lowest de- 
 gree of ambition and discontent in man, if the 
 Almighty were continually to gratify it, would 
 ascend to the most daring attempt, of which 
 the infernal mojnarch himself is capable. After 
 all, 1 have observed, that the greater part of 
 people are so far from deeming ambition to be 
 criminal, they think a spice of it is indispensi- 
 bly necessary to a man of honor. 
 
 Fast. I know it brother; but that is astrik- 
 ing proof of the blindness to which we have re- 
 duced them. Ambition, discontent, <i-c. reign- 
 ing in any person, are infallible symptons of 
 an heart totally depraved and altogether under 
 my influence. But let them go on to cherish 
 an ambitious spirit, they will find their mistake 
 at hist. Thatjudicious pagan, Epictetus, seems 
 very capable of instructing many who are call- 
 ed Christians, and who have the advantage of 
 the bible. Yes ! Infidelis ! you and I both 
 knov/, that ambition is the very vice which 
 ruined our black fraternity, but for it they had 
 been in heaven to this day. 
 
 As so'ne quarrel with their jr.aker, on ac- 
 count of their situation in life, I am equally 
 successfbl in stirring up others^ to take o^ence 
 c 3 
 
4^ DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 at the manner in which the Ahxiighty hath 
 formed then- bodies ? as to their souls, they do 
 not regard them, indeed seldom consider that 
 they have an immortal spirit belonging to them. 
 If by chance such a thought, as that they have 
 an immortal soul, should pass through their 
 minds, it gives them no concern in what po- 
 sition it is found, because they take it for grantr 
 cd that nobody sees it. So very inconsiderate 
 and stupid are many, that one who understands 
 the language of hearts, provided he could de- 
 light in the voice of discontent and murmuring 
 might meet with high entertainnient ^.mongst 
 our people. For, 
 
 One young lady says, O ! if the Almighty 
 had made me an inch and half higher, then my 
 person would have been abundantly more pro- 
 per; her neighbour is as ill at ease, because 
 she thinks the Creator has bestowed super- 
 fluous labour upon her, in giving her a couple 
 of inches of redundant height, which she looks 
 upon as a very considerable deformity. A- 
 nother says, why did he make nie with round 
 shoulders ? might he not as easily have made 
 them square? I am ashamed to go into 
 company, because I have not a handsome car- 
 riage of the head and neck. What the back- 
 board and girdle can do, has been tried to press 
 in the promiment os humeri ; but sad experi- 
 ence teaches, that she may as soon wash the 
 Ethiopian white as make that even, which the 
 Almighty hath made crooked. Nor less afflict* 
 
DIAL. 12.] Of DEVILS. 4S 
 
 ed is her kinswoman on account of the yel- 
 lowness of her skin. 
 
 Avar. I have heard several people of al- 
 lowed knowledgc^ modestly wish, that all court 
 ladies laboured under the same misfortune the 
 last unhappy gentlewoman does ; being per- 
 suaded that if it were so, naked breasts would 
 never more be brought into fashion, to the 
 •annoyance of the gentlemen, and the scandal 
 of the ladies, for you know fashions are all 
 born at court. 
 
 Fast. Not at the court of London, Avaro, 
 but Versailles, therefore it would indicate 
 better sense in your knowing people, to wish 
 the French hidies the above misfortune. It is 
 held an act of high-treason against the French, 
 for the English court to receive any fashion 
 which hath not had a certificate from Ver- 
 sailles. This pohcy seems indeed very mys- 
 terious, when we consider that the British 
 heroes can so effectually drub the monsieurs, 
 as to make them cry pecavi, and at the same 
 time the French ladies should have the En- 
 ghsh in such absolute subjection. 
 
 it is impossible for any person to conceive 
 the trouble I have, in preparing those ladies 
 for the ball or assembly, or pantheon, and what 
 art I am obhged to employ, in hiding their 
 supposed defects and redundancies. The lady 
 who fancies her stature to be somewhat too low, 
 obliges me to add to it the whole length of a 
 super-tail pair of wooden heels, and is extreme- 
 
44- DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 ly careful to set oft her little body to all advan- 
 tage possible, so that everj^ beholder must be 
 struck with the most perfect gentility of her 
 appearance. On the other hand her neighbour 
 who is over tall, is as careful on her part, to 
 Imve the flattest heels that can be wore, and 
 is equally industrious in decking to the best ad- 
 vantage the whole of her extravagant height. 
 
 Nor hath their neighbour v/ho is affected 
 with a dun and yellow skin, less trouble and 
 anxiety of mind, besides her great toil of 
 body. The waste she makes of wash-balls, 
 and the best recommended cosmetics, toge- 
 ther with her own, and her servants labour, 
 in endeavouring to rub off the native tinct, is 
 not to be conceived. But alas ! it is labour 
 in vain. All the comfort which remains lor 
 her, is derived from a black necklace assisted 
 by two or three well disposed patches, which 
 she hopes may in some measure over-cloud 
 the hated yellowness of the adjacent parts. 
 
 So absolutely foolish are they, that I have 
 some subjects who say, *' Ah me, why were 
 my ankles made so strong and fleshy I O that 
 they had been slender and genteel, then I 
 should not have been thus dependent on the 
 mantua-maker for a covering for them." 
 However gentlemen, were it not a rule esta- 
 blij^.hed among the fair sex, that ankles some- 
 wliat gross are altogether ungeiiteel, it would 
 puzzle a philosopher to determine how it is that 
 small feet and slender ankles, come to have 
 
»1AL. 12.^ OF DEVILS. 45 
 
 more virtue and real worth in them, than those 
 that are otherwise. But certainly it is deemed 
 to be so, and those imperious dames, who have 
 been favoured to their liking, do what they 
 can to mortify those who are less happy in their 
 pedestals. Against this disease there is no 
 effectual remedy. Small sized shoes formerly 
 gave them great hopes of relief, but alas ! they 
 generally made cripples of their wearers. 
 
 Inf. I have always observed, that when 
 people have applied to the artist, to have 
 that mended which they think the Almighty 
 hath marred, the punishment is connected 
 with the crime as a token of the just resent- 
 ment of a jealous God, who hath left none of 
 his works imperfect ; and who would have 
 them all, as indeed they ought to be, well 
 esteemed. Hence come corns upon the feet, 
 and far greater unevenness in the symmetry of 
 the body, than was before their application to 
 the mechanic. 
 
 Fast. Another of my disciplcsses has got 
 hair of a madder red, and such is her folly, that 
 it grieves her beyond measure. But with all 
 my wisdom •. could never find out the reason, 
 why red hair should be any more scandalous, 
 than yellow or flaxen locks : or how it is, that 
 scarlet is held to be such a courtly colour upon 
 broadcloth, and yet so scandalous for a lady to 
 have her head of a scarlet colour. But the lady 
 herself is so apprehensive of the scandal, that 
 »he is obliged to exchange her native lockg. 
 
4f6 DIALOGUES [dial. 12» 
 
 with a neighbouring barber, lor a set of flaxen 
 false curls ? these she flatters herself will very- 
 well become the native fairness of her skin. 
 
 Perhaps indeed, to spare the natural crop, 
 she ma}^ blind the eyes of beholders with pow- 
 der, which may help to conceal the awful 
 secret. The like expedient is used by women 
 of a coqiiotish disposition, when to their great 
 grief and inconsolable sorrow they first perceive 
 ^y\d age dying a whiteness upon their temples. 
 In order to prevent the world having any sus- 
 picion that she is advanced in years., the coquet 
 procures a defence against the appearance of 
 hoary hairs, and thus she keeps herself as much 
 as possible, from the belief that she is growing 
 old, till the detested wrinkles on her forehead 
 betray the fatal secret, and then she declines 
 faster than other women, becauselier grief gives 
 swiftness to her decay. Another lady is ex- 
 veedingly grieved every time she looks in her 
 glass, because as she thinks, her face is too 
 much upon the fire to be deemed lovely ; but 
 yhc conjforts herself with the reflection that she 
 liath good features, and the great artist, wlien 
 ]\e finished her has left a dimple in her chin, 
 On the other hand, her cousin beholds a system 
 of ap'Ceable features in her own countenance; 
 but oh ! the dejection of her heart, on recol- 
 lecting the paleness of her lips. To supply the 
 defects of nature in this, before she goes abroad 
 she has recourse to her pencil and vermilion 
 shell. Thus she has some means of comibrt 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVIL?. 47 
 
 within her power, but her poor sister who is 
 seamed with the smallpox, is quite inconsola- 
 ble. If at any time she expresses satisfaction, 
 it is In speaking of tlie fv)rmer agreeableness of 
 her features, and ftiirness of her skin. But 
 alas ! her joy is presently clouded with the 
 melancholy consideration they are for ever 
 gone. Some ladies are highl}'- offended be- 
 cause their hands are so big, others that their 
 fingers are too short ; and now and then you 
 may meet v/ith one, who is dreadfully tor- 
 mented underneath a king Richard back ; 
 which is sure to prove an intolerable burden, 
 all the life of the unhapp;,' woman. 
 
 Infid. Nothing more fully demonstrates 
 our dominion in the hearts of mankind, than 
 treir being ashamed of their shapes and phy- 
 siognomy ; the supposed deformity of which, 
 they could by no means have prevented. Every 
 degree of this kind of shame, is a tacit reproach 
 of the Creator, and therefore daringly impi- 
 ous. Many you may find, ashamed of the in- 
 nocent defects of their outward frame, who are 
 not in the least ashamed of their vain lives and 
 immoral conversations; to rectify wliich ought 
 to be their principal concern. And were there 
 but as much pains taken to rectify the disor- 
 devs of civil life, as there are to hide the sup- 
 posed defects and redundancies of the body, 
 and to alter the tincture of the skfn, the world 
 would be very different from what it is. But 
 you take care to prevent that Impiator, 
 
48 DIALOGUES [dial. 12. 
 
 Dis. One who has made mankind no part 
 of his study, would deem it impossible for ra- 
 tional beings to be ashamed of and concerned 
 for innocent deformities of the body, with 
 %vhich no person of common sense will ever 
 upbraid them, and which never can by any 
 means lessen the esteem of the judicious (for 
 who can make that straight which the Al- 
 mighty hath made crooked, or white whi<jh 
 he hath made brown ?) and at the same time 
 neglect the infinitely more valuable mind. 
 
 Inf. By your account sir, your vassals have 
 got a wrong notion of beauty, as by our long 
 observation it appt?.rs, we may sometimes see 
 a great deal of beauty in a person whose bodily 
 parts no way tend to recommend him. Real 
 beauty lies in the constitution of the mind and 
 the proper use of its intellectual faculties: 
 every thing else compared with this is like 
 tinsel when compared with the purest gold. 
 
 That person appears truly amiable without 
 external comeliness, who can bear the lack of 
 it with a becoming grace : and who to make 
 up for all outward defects, is studious to em- 
 bellish the immortal mind. That is a part of 
 man always capable of improvement ; but for 
 the body they may fret, murmur, and repine 
 at its defects as much as they will, they plain- 
 ly see it does not mend the matter, for who by 
 taking thought can add one cubit to his sta- 
 ture, or make one hair whiter or blacker ? 
 
 Fa.st. Such is my dgraiuion noW; nor was 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVILS. 19 
 
 it less in the more early ages. I made rude 
 work in the tents of Jacob between his two 
 v/ives and among his sons ; and by those 
 means 1 greatly disturbed thera whom I could 
 not destroy. 
 
 IxviDio. I have till now been silent, but 
 beg leave to observe, that I think our labour is 
 far from being lost, treeing, though we are 
 permitted to destroy none who are good end 
 virtuous, we have the pleasure of distressing 
 and distracting them. And certainly no music 
 can be so agreeable to our cars as the sighs and 
 groans of our enemies. There is something so 
 agreeable in the destruction of infidels and dis- 
 tracting the rest of mankind, that I have often 
 heard our father Belzebub say, he would ra- 
 ther aggravate his own torment a thousand de- 
 grees than be robbed o^ that pleasure. His 
 and our happiness lies chiefly in distressing 
 mankind, especially the virtuous and good, 
 notwithstanding he overheard Immanuel when 
 he said " I give unto them eternal life, and 
 none shall pluck them out of my hands/' 
 
 Avar. One would wonder it did not who!* 
 ly discourage him, from making fai-ther at- 
 tempts against such people, especially if what 
 I have heard is true ; I mean that every aiHic- 
 tion which they endure by his^gjteans, will be 
 
 an aggravation to his own miserSn but his ha- 
 tred against them is implacable. 
 
 Fast, It is not altogether his hatred and 
 malice against them; which excite him to per- 
 
 \0L, II. D 
 
^0 DIALOGUES [dial. If?. 
 
 seciite them with such unwearied dih'gence ' 
 but it happened on a time, that Belzebub was 
 by, when one of his heavenly heralds declared 
 *' That in all the afflictions of his people Ina- 
 manuel himself rs afflicted." And at another 
 time he heard another say " That Immanuel 
 is touched with a sense of human infirmities ;"^ 
 nay then said he to himself, they shall not want 
 for afflictions if I shou-ld endure a thousand 
 hells. It will be a: heaven of delight to me, to 
 see my fiery darts bound off from the persons 
 to whom they are shot, and strike him whom 
 I have in the most perfect abhorrence. So that 
 it is Immanuel himself rather than those who 
 believe in him, at whom Satan is so much en- 
 raged. 
 
 To return to my stoty^—By my means the 
 knot of sisterhood between Rachel and Leah 
 was united, friendship and love fled to a dis- 
 tance far remote from their tents. But thiJi 
 was not the finishing stroke of my artifice, for 
 when one generation passed away, you might 
 always be sure to find me with those, who 
 made their appearance next upon the stage of 
 action. Hence I was found with the sons of , 
 Jacob, and made them perpetrate deeds very 
 unworthy of the patriarchal character, and 
 that even in the life-time of their father. The 
 destruction of the Hivites by the sword of 
 Simeon and Levi, in revenge of Shechem's rape 
 on their sister Dinah, was wholly by my in- 
 stigation. They grieved and that justly ; but 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVILS. 51 
 
 pride alone called up the demons of revenge 
 and cruelty, who drenched themselves in Ca- 
 naanitish bloocl. 
 
 When Joseph dreamed of his future advance- 
 ment, I prevailed with his brethren to hate 
 him, and give admission to every baleful de- 
 mon ; under whose influence, even at the 
 hazard of their father's life, they sold him into 
 Egypt. There I stirred up Sabrina, the wife 
 of Potiphar, to revenge her slighted charms 
 upon him ; Joseph himself to swear by the life 
 of Pharaoh, and to carry it very strangely to 
 his brethren in the time of their affliction, not- 
 withstanding he himself had seen such wonders 
 of divine providence, as mentioned by the 
 writer of his life. Just it was that his brethren 
 should have been afflicted for their former per- 
 fidy and baseness, but Joseph could never have 
 been persuaded to be instrumental therein, but 
 by my instigation. 
 
 IxMP. I am surprized sir, you should select 
 the history of those reputed the best of men, 
 for exemplifying your dominion: whereas you 
 make no mention of Ham, Ishmael, Esau, &c 
 I thought, your dominion over them was more 
 full than over the other. 
 
 Fast. I mention the best on purpose to save 
 myself trouble cousin. For when you hear of 
 my power over them, you will easily conceive 
 that my dominion over the rest of mankind 
 must be absolute. I might indeed do myself 
 honor, by telling joa of the part I had in the 
 D 2 
 
52 DIALOGUE* [dial. 12, 
 
 lewdness of Ham, the despite of Ishraael, 
 Esau's revenge, &c. &c. but as I understand 
 it all implied in the present plan of my narra- 
 tive. Indeed it would be endless to tell you of 
 even a thousandth part of my achievements ; 
 and 1 am persuaded it is more agreeable to you 
 lo hear of my occasional prevalence over the 
 virtuous, than to have a full display of my un- 
 interruptell dominion, over the infidel part of 
 Mankind without it. 
 
 Yet it may not be amiss by way of speci- 
 joen, to give vou one instance of my influence 
 over Infidels in general. Amongst the mil- 
 lions I might adduce, I shall refer you to 
 Basuris Pharaoh king of Egypt, in the days of 
 Moses and Aaron. Notwithstanding the mighty 
 signs and wonders which God wrought by the 
 hand of his Hebrew servants, he was so abso- 
 lutely under my dominion, that he hardened 
 himself against the Almighty, disregarded the 
 voice of his prophets, and would not suffer the 
 people to go into the wilderness to worship, 
 Moses and Aaron wrought works unprecedeni^ 
 ,ed, in the presence of the king and his nobles; 
 fcut I persuaded him that the whole was effect- 
 ed by the power of magic, and that Jannes and 
 Jambres his own enchanters, could do the 
 same were they called to it. 
 
 I had got such possession of his heart before 
 any miracles were wrought, that he thought 
 himself inferior to no being whatever, and 
 igcorned subjection even to the Almighty. 
 
DIAL. 12.] OF DEVILf. 33 
 
 Pharaoh's magicians in divers instances, by a 
 divine permission, imitating the wonders 
 wrought by Moses and Aaron ; he persuaded 
 himself that he was at least equal to that God 
 who sent them, and in the most haughty dis- 
 dain he said, " Who is the Lord that 1 should 
 obey him ?" 
 
 You have all heard that no man hath har- 
 dened himself against God at any time, and 
 hath prospered : nor did he prosper. I har- 
 dened his heart against every divine injunction 
 till the God of the Hebrews utterly confound- 
 ed the Memphian magicians, and made the 
 hauglily monarch not only willing to let tlie 
 people go, but eager to trust them out o^ the 
 land. However they had not travelled very 
 far, before Pharaoh being a little recovered 
 from his consternation, was induced by me to 
 pursue and oblige them to return to their 
 drudgery, alleging the great loss which both 
 liis majesty and the Egyptian monarcliy would 
 sustain, by tlie departure of such a number of 
 vigorous slaves. Pursuant to this purpose he 
 mustered his chariots and horsemen, all the 
 Egyptian chivalry, pursued the fugitives, by 
 dint of sword to compel them to return to their 
 spades and wheelbarrows. Every one must 
 praise my noble intentions, for I designed that 
 both hosts should have perished, the one by 
 the sword of the Egyptians, and the other by 
 the thunderbolts of heaven. I conjectured 
 upon good ground, that if Pharaoh destroyed 
 D 3 
 
54 DIALOGUES, &C, [dIAL. 12 
 
 the Hebrews, the Almighty wouldavenge their 
 blood upon him and his kingdom. 
 
 The hosts of Pharaoh overtook the Hebrews 
 near Pi-ha-hiroth, where the raging ocean met 
 them in the front, and a vast ridge of impas- 
 sible mountains enclosed them on either hand: 
 *' Glory be on me, cried the exulting monarch, 
 see how my happy stars have hemmed in the 
 fugitives. Now shall they either return to 
 their servitude, or perish on the points of 
 Egyptian swords ; and Pharaoh shall no more 
 be upbraided with a God greater than him- 
 self." But Pharaoh's boastings were prema- 
 ture, his hopes were blasted before they were 
 full blown ; for it came to pass, that the Al- 
 mighty took the cause of his people into his 
 own hand, wrought salvation for them, and 
 with an high hand destroyed him and all the 
 Egyptian chivalry. 
 
 Business calls me hence gentlemen, I hold 
 it good that we adjourn till to-morrow, 
 
DIALOGUE XUL 
 
 Avaro, 
 
 Indeed gentlemen, what I tell you is 
 true ; you cauno-t conceive how much I am 
 caressed by the grovelling slaves. 
 
 Fast. Do not boast cousin, nor let it once 
 enter your mind, that your reception amongst 
 mankind is more cordial and hearty than mine, 
 for wbere there is one person who prostitute 
 himself to the devil Avaro, there are at least 
 twenty who fall down at the shrine of the 
 adored Fastosus ; though I will still own, your 
 craftiness h^s s.ub4ued not a few to your gro- 
 velling sway, 
 
 Avar. Not a few indeed! every nation fur- 
 nijsheth its quota to make up the number of my 
 abject slaves, who adore me under feigned 
 names suitably adapted to the genius of each 
 country. For instance, in Holland, I am call- 
 ed Mynheer Industry ; in France, Monsieur 
 Prudence; in Spain, I bear the name of Don 
 Diligence ; in Austria and Russia, as also ai 
 the Hague, I am known by the name of Good 
 Policy ; and in Great-Britain and her colonies, 
 I am called Mister Care, alias Mister Frugality, 
 
 D 4j 
 
56 DIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 but my true name being rightly translated will 
 read Covetousness. 
 
 Great advantages arise to us from the con- 
 cealment of our proper names. The word 
 covetousness you know is of such a true brim- 
 stone colour, that unless I had some method of 
 disguising it, I could get but few adorers in 
 comparison of what I have. There are thou- 
 sands who delight to keep me under their roofs 
 by the feigned names of Industry and Fruga- 
 lity, who would be afraid to be seen in my com- 
 pany under the name of Covetousness. They 
 rise up early, sit up late, they eat the bread of 
 carefulness, can never get enough of work done 
 by their servants and labourers ; they buy as 
 cheap and sell as dear as they can, and are for 
 ever concerting schemes of money -getting, and 
 yet they are not covetous; all the world could 
 not persuade them that they are the worship- 
 pers of the devil Avaro. Even those whose 
 morning and evening desires run in the follow- 
 ing strain, " What shall I do to get money ? 
 How shall I manage to keep what I have got 
 out of -the reach of pilfering rogues ?" Such 
 are their desires, and yet they are not covet- 
 ous; notwithstanding their increase, they can- 
 not with pleasure assist the needy, unless by so 
 doing they can serve themselves, and yet they 
 are not covetous. Such people are very apt 
 to consider gain as a proof of their godliness, 
 and it is difficult for them to believe a poor man 
 to behonest; if his honesty is so clear that they 
 
PIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 57 
 
 cannot deny it, they will tacitly charge him 
 with either indolence or want of economy, as 
 they take it for granted, any man may prosper 
 in the world if he will — ^and yet they are not 
 covetous. 
 
 Inf. Your disciples Avaro, it seems, have 
 but little acquaintance with that divine provi- 
 dence which we are constrained to confess, that 
 providence which emptieth the storehouse of 
 one and fills that of another, according to the 
 dictates of unerring wisdom. But by long ob- 
 servation we have learned, that the race is not 
 to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but 
 to whomsoever the arbiter of the universe i^ 
 pleased to give the blessing. What most sur- 
 prizeth me, is to see so many of your people 
 among the professors of religion ; do you 
 think they have never heard that those who 
 love the world have not the love of the father 
 in them, and that friendship with the world 
 is enmity against God ? Or do they suppose 
 themselves capable of serving both God and 
 mammon ? 
 
 Avar. Vv^ith your leave sir, such texts of 
 scripture are of no weight with our people. 
 Some consider them as interpolations, others 
 as mistranslated, others still deem them erro- 
 neous, therefore not to be regarded ; and all 
 agree, that the force of such passages ought 
 to be reasoned away. Yes brother fiends you 
 may meet ^ ith many, who if their mental sen- 
 $imettt5 may be known by their outward cou- 
 V 5 
 
58 MALOGUES [dial. IS. 
 
 duct, believe themselves capable enough of 
 serving both God and mammon, and that it 
 is very consistent to love both God and the 
 world at the same time. All the week round 
 they are so earnestly engaged in pursuing world- 
 ly advantages, that oiie would suppose they 
 have got an assurance that for one thousand 
 years, at least, to enter upon, their souls shall 
 Eot be required of them ; or indeed one would 
 think they believe not a syllable of the Bible, 
 or that there is either God or devil, heaven or 
 hell. Yea, so ardent is their chase after gold, 
 they cannot spare so much time as to ask their 
 servants whether they intend for heaven or 
 hell at death ? Whether they serve God or the 
 devil ? Whether they read the Bible, or idle 
 plays and novels ? Whether they go to church 
 or alehouse on a Sunday, or indeed, whether 
 they are Pagans or Christians, papists or Pro- 
 testants ? And yet they are good Christians 
 themselves, members of churches, and wor» 
 shippers of the God of heaven. 
 
 Notwithstanding their fervent zeal for, and 
 imwearied diligence in the service of mammon, 
 they will not absent themselves from church 
 on a Sabbath day on any consideration ; but 
 with all sincerity imaginable, with the devotion 
 of one holiday they wipe off the stains of the 
 former six, and on Monday come forth as fresh 
 for the avaricious chase as ever. Thus you 
 see, my subjects by their conduct plainly tell 
 you, they believe it very possible to serve both 
 
5>IAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 59 
 
 God and mammon, and thus they give the lie 
 to divine testimony. 
 
 I-t is now as it always was ; many people 
 follow religion with the same views with those 
 of the loaf and fish followers ; they take up 
 religion to procure a character among men, 
 that it may serve as a cloak for their mercenary 
 purposes. The person deemed religious, be- 
 iiig capable of executing avaricious schemes 
 with greater facility and advantage, than the 
 man who is known tp be an enemy to all 
 religion. 
 
 Fast, It seems, Avaro, your money hunters 
 can adapt religion or any thing to the great 
 end of getting. I know thousands who would 
 ROt attend the worship of God at all, if they 
 found not their account in it. I have laughed 
 many times, at seeing the atheist and the dei^t 
 come to church and receive the sacrament, to 
 qualify them for places of public concern. It 
 may safely be supposed, that men who beb'eve 
 ROt tiie sacrament to be of divine institution, 
 have some ends, no way religious, to answer 
 by their receiving it. It is not a little droll 
 too, to see many who for conscience sake dis- 
 sent from the Church of England, when they 
 have the prospect of preferment, come cordi- 
 ally to the altar and receive the consecrated 
 elements from the parish priest. Mortal man 
 could not do more to secure all the emolu- 
 ments of both church and state to their own 
 party for ever, than the authors of the Test 
 D 6 
 
60 DIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 act did, and yet many dissenters play the devil 
 in cheating them. It must be a close hedge 
 indeed, in which some people will not find a 
 hole to creep through. 
 
 Imp. Ay, uncle, and it is every whit as 
 droll to see many of my subjects, who never 
 attend at church except upon those occasions ; 
 men v/ho spend their whole time in drinking, 
 gaming, and whoring, admitted to the tabJe 
 of the Lord, to serve a turn in politics, con- 
 trary to every rule divine and human ; and 
 yet those men commence the pillars and go- 
 vernors of the church, without coming near 
 its assemblies on other occasions. These 
 things make amazingly for our interest. 
 
 Inf. Not many days since, your son Dis- 
 cordans gave us a most agreeable account of 
 some of his operations, by the in^;lrumentali- 
 ty of Prejudice and False-Reasoning ; 1 
 should be glad, my nephew, if you will be 
 pleased to go on with your story. 
 
 Dis. I have no objection sir, if my honol'- 
 ed parent will be pleased to permit. But 
 Discordans cannot so much as breathe, with- 
 out the instigation of great Fastosus. 
 
 Fast. You do me great honor my son, and 
 have my permission to proceed ; but as I have 
 urgent business in hand, and am already ac- 
 quainted with your story, I shall leave you for 
 the present, and meet you here to-morrow. 
 Darkness and confusion attend you all. 
 Dis. This same glass, False-Reasoning, ia 
 
DIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 61 
 
 the mirror in which the Jewish clergy, doctors 
 of law, scribes, and pharisees, tried the doc- 
 trines and actions of Immanuel and all his 
 followers. By these means they were fatally 
 deceived, and led to reject the council of God 
 against themselves ; yea, hardened to that de- 
 gree, as to say, the light which enlighteneth 
 every man that cometh into the Morld, is abso- 
 lutely darkness, and to charge the maker of all 
 things with being a magician ; even to put 
 forth their sanguinary hands, and m.urder the 
 Lord of life. 
 
 You may thhik I wtis closely employed in 
 those days, as there was not a phariseein the 
 whole world, whom I had not furnished with 
 an inverting mirror and telescope. By these 
 means they became quite enamoured with their 
 own supposed virtue, and held all besides 
 themselves to be accursed ; that is to say, he- 
 retics, because they know not the law, i. e. 
 they did not measure length and breadth, 
 exactly according to the standard of ortho- 
 doxy, which in all ages has been the tradi- 
 tions of the elders, and not the scriptures of- 
 truth, as some have erroneously asserted. 
 
 Imp. Hold cousin, there I think you must 
 be wrong, for I myself am wont to hear 
 Immanuel, (who you know could not lie) re- 
 fer his hearers to the scripture for the resolu- 
 tion of all doubts. 
 
 Drs. That is nothing at all to the purpose, 
 cousin. I readily grant, and none can honest- 
 
62 BIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 ly deny It, that the scripture is the standard of 
 truth ; but truth and orthodoxy are two things, 
 very different, and sometimes diametrically 
 opposite to one another. Bible doctrine is the 
 same in all ages and nations, but orthodoxy in 
 one nation differs at least as much from ortho- 
 doxy in another nation, as the several climates 
 do from one another. To go no farther than 
 Britain, you see v/hat is south of the Tweed 
 accounted the purest religion in the world, is, 
 upon travelling farther towards the pole, 
 deemed corrupt, superstitious, and anti- 
 christian. So it is vice versa. Moreover, 
 what has been orthodox and apostolic in one 
 nge, has had the misfortune to become quite 
 heterodox and damnable in the next : so that 
 there is no certain standard of orthodoxy in 
 any nation ; but truth is always the same and 
 knows no standard but one. 
 
 Indeed the synod of Dort, and the reformers 
 of the English church, have done what mortal 
 men could do to fix an everlasting standard of 
 orthodoxy, by tying all future professors to 
 subscribe their traditions. But even that is in- 
 sufficient. For by the help of mental reser- 
 vation many subscribe contrary to their real 
 belief: and others who have not that address, 
 even go without a benefice, let them believe 
 the Bible ever so piously. Yea, I have hnown 
 many deemed heretics, and burned at a stake, 
 mei*ely for believing the Bible. Orthodox pa- 
 pists, orthodox episcopalians, orthodox pres- 
 
DIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 6^ 
 
 byterians, and orthodox congregationalists, 
 have all had the honor of putting to death for 
 their want of orthodoxy; namely, because 
 they were daring enough to think for them* 
 selves, contrary to the known maxims of the 
 orthodox priests in every age. You know it 
 is observable, that the orthodox are conde- 
 scending enough to suffer other people to 
 have thought for them. 
 
 Imp. What cousin ! has any sect of Christi- 
 ans, besides our friends the papists, been 
 found to persecute those who differed from 
 them ? 
 
 Disc. Yes cousin, every sect who has at any 
 time been happy enough to grasp the reins of 
 government for the time being. The worth}' 
 papists bore the bell of orthodoxy for the space 
 of twelve hundred and sixty years, during 
 which time much blood was shed by open 
 massacres, secret assassinations, pretended ju- 
 dicatures, acts of bloody faith ; and at last to 
 finish the bloody reign of antichrist, England, 
 France, the Netherlands, and the valleys of 
 Piedmont swam with the gore of such who 
 would believe the Bible sooner than the voice 
 of the priests. Queen Mary's reign furnished 
 the orthodox in her day, with a fine oppor- 
 tunity of discovering their zeal for the church, 
 by murdering those who believed and obeyed 
 the Bible; but her reign being short, and 
 Elizabeth ascending the throne upon her de- 
 mise, the other scale rose uppermost, and the 
 
6i> DIALOGUES [dial. 13* 
 
 protestants in their turn became orthodox ; 
 L e. got the government into their hands. 
 
 O the violence of reputed orthodoxy ! Those 
 same gentlemen were no sooner emerged from 
 prison than they also let the world know that 
 they were not to be differed from with im- 
 punity ; that the formula of their faith and 
 worship, must be regarded with as implicit 
 obedience asthat in the former reign imposed 
 by the papists. Now the Presbyterians, In- 
 dependents, and other congregationalists felt 
 the weight of their rage, or if you please zeal 
 for orthodoxy, and the good of the church. 
 Now the prison-keepers and theirfriend Master 
 Ketch, had pretty near as good a run of trade 
 as in the reign of Mary. And now the wilds 
 of America began to be well peopled with 
 English protestants and oppressed dissenters j 
 and the good episcopalians at home, kept the 
 fleece to themselves and had all the good of 
 the church before them. But those said Fres? 
 byterians and Independents had jio sooner 
 crossed the ocean for conscience sake, and 
 found themselves secure from episcopalian rage, 
 than they themselves commenced orthodox, 
 and set up their own formula as the standard 
 of religion, to which they required as implicit 
 submission from others as the good bishops of 
 England had ere while done from themselves; 
 and nowthepoorantipedo-baptists andquakers 
 were taught, that a mittimus is a mittimus; 
 whether it is signed by apapist. an episcopalian. 
 
DIAL. 13.] OF DEVILSi 65 
 
 or a presby terian ? and that sentence of death 
 is to be dreaded as much from the mouth of 
 the latter as of the former. Those same dis-^ 
 senters who liad so lately found Old England 
 too hot for themselves, by the glowings of 
 priestly zeal for orthodoxy, soon made New 
 England too hot for the poor quakers and 
 antipedo-baptists ; who to escape the rage for 
 presbytery fled; the one to Pensyhania and 
 the other to Rhode Island, that they might 
 not be compelled to worship God according^ 
 to other people's consciences and contrary 
 to their own. 
 
 Inf. So then the old spirit of calling down 
 fire from heaven upon heretics, or those who 
 walk in a different way, it seems has prevailed 
 in modern times as well as of yore. O what 
 a mask is that ! human rage in the character 
 of godly zeal ? It is wonderful to see people 
 glorifjang the prince of liberty, by shutting 
 their brethren up in a dungeon for conscience 
 sake ! worshipping the Saviour of men's lives 
 by putting people to death, because they will 
 worship him in a different form ; and it is as 
 wonderful that the ambassadors of peace (as 
 they call themselves) should be the principal 
 agents of this violence. 
 
 Dis. But for the ambassadors, persecutioa 
 had never been known in the world, sir. The 
 laity have so little zeal for God, that they 
 would, if not instigated by the clergy, suffer 
 men to worship him according to the best under- 
 
66 DIALOGUES [dial, 13. 
 
 Standing they have of his mind revealed in the 
 Bible. But the ambassadors are quite of ano- 
 ther opinion ; for by them it is determined, 
 that God should be worshipped in the very 
 mode by them directed, or he shall not be 
 worshipped at all if they can help it. The 
 honor of persecution, alias punishing of he- 
 retics, must all hs ascribed to the reverend 
 ambassadors. 
 
 Imp. By ambassadors, I suppose, cousin, 
 you mean popish priests, in contradistinction 
 from protestant ministers. 
 
 Dis. I mean both papists and protestants, 
 cousin ; and with me it is not very easy to 
 determine which best deserve the honorable 
 appellation. 
 
 But to return to my story. I taught the 
 respectable Pharisees in general the use of my 
 instruments, which as you saw in the late ex- 
 periment, perfectly inverteth every object; 
 and so, by my prudent management, those very 
 people, held to be the most religious of the 
 Jews, were brought up to such a degree of 
 self-conceit, as to fit them for executing the 
 will of the devil; still supposing that they were 
 doing good service to the God of Israel. Con- 
 templated under the reflection of my ingenious 
 instruments, those Pharisees, who were dark- 
 ness itself, considered themselves as angels of 
 light; and each became so enamoured of his 
 own personal excellence, that all who were 
 Rot of their sect and persuasion, were held in 
 
DIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. S*! 
 
 the most consummate abhorrence ; as accur- 
 sed and ignorant of their traditions ; yea, 
 even enemies to the Almighty. 
 
 They viewed Immanuel, the brightness of 
 the Father's glory, and express image of his 
 perfection, by the help of my glasses, in whicli, 
 to them, he appeared as one come from Bel- 
 zebub, and performing miracles in the spirit 
 and power of the great apostate. His imme- 
 diate disciples were indeed, men of whom the 
 v.'orld was not worthy, yet viewed by the help 
 of these notable instruments, they appeared as 
 creatures the most despicable. Although men 
 of peaceful principles, willing to spend, and 
 be spent for the good of mankind, they were 
 held to be enemies to the public good ; men 
 who turned the world upside down : unworthy 
 of a dwelling in the tents of humanity, and 
 therefore thrust out of the world with violence. 
 Such wonderful works were accomplished of 
 old, by the help of these amazing instruments, 
 and still they are as ever perfect, and fit for 
 operation. 
 
 Even at this day, when the whole system of 
 revealed truth is examined by my inverting 
 mirror, it is misapprehended as cunningly de- 
 vised fables ; a well concerted system of false- 
 hood ; or a priestly imposition on the conscir 
 ences and understanding of the laity. Yes, 
 my fellow destroyers, by my wise government, 
 many who value themselves as the greatest 
 tiiasters of reason, are sq absolutely stupid as 
 
68 DiAtoGUES [dial. 13» 
 
 to suppose that the eternal God has left men 
 at large, without any given law or revelation 
 of his mind, to which their submission is re- 
 quired. Being thus stupidly absurd, you will 
 not wonder, that the same masters of reason 
 have been ingenious enough to find out, that 
 this world, unwieldy as it is, was dextrous 
 enough to create itself, and possesseth wisdom 
 enough to be its own governor. 
 
 Inf. By your leave, cousin. This last part 
 of 3^our account belongs to my administration. 
 You preside only over dissention and division. 
 I want to hear some of your operations of this 
 kind. 
 
 Dis. True, sir. But if I preside over dis- 
 sentions, divisions, animosities, &c. you know 
 I must be allowed to use proper means, by 
 which my works are to be propagated ; for I 
 itm not like those human fools, who expect 
 the end without using the means. Besides, sir, 
 that one devil should assist another, is by no 
 means against the laws of our fraternity. If 
 I, to promote my beloved Discord, call in the 
 assistance of your bewildering influences ; 1 
 also in a kind return, by the divisions which I 
 foment, greatly strengthen the slavish bands of 
 great Infidelity. Our interest being mutual, 
 I hope the worthy Infidelis will never grumble 
 to lend me all possible assistance, in striving to 
 make this earth, as much as may be, to resem- 
 ble the regions of the damned. Moreover, our 
 great prince and parent is no way careful, a- 
 
BIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 69 
 
 bout which of his illustrious family is the in- 
 strument in damning a soul, so that the work 
 of damnation is eirected. 
 
 Inf. I have no objection cousin, to assisting 
 you, or any of our kindred. All I desire is, 
 to have due notice taken of my influence. Our 
 leading view ought undoubtedly to be the des- 
 truction of men, in compliance with the will 
 of our great ancestor. But I detain you. 
 
 Dis. The ancient pharisees were not the 
 only dupes I have had in the world. The great 
 man at Rome, the father of the world, and 
 head of the church of antichrist, has been as 
 much my dupe as people of less eminence, as 
 1 shall she-A^ you in the sequel. 
 
 Infid. What, cousin, have you become ac- 
 quainted with my old friend? I should like to 
 know how that came to pass, and what ac- 
 quaintance you have with him. 
 
 Disc. I accomplished it in the following 
 manner. I presented his supreme holiness, 
 with a pair of my instruments, of the right 
 luciferian construction, on purpose that he 
 might by their assistance, try all the bulls he 
 should publish, and all the causes whichshould 
 come before him. For it ought to be observed, 
 the time was, when the whole world wondered 
 after his infallible judgment. Infallible, so 
 given out, and so for many ages received. Yea, 
 so powerful, so efficacious has been the word 
 of his holiness, that ere now his very breath 
 has blown the crown oflf from the head of one 
 
70 DIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 prince, upon that of another. So very exten- 
 sive his sovereign sway, that to give a king- 
 dom to a devoted friend, was no more to him, 
 than to give a snuff of sneezing would be to a 
 trusty highlaiider. 
 
 From the use of my instruments, there arises 
 a necessity that his holiness's bulls, &c. should 
 be the most perfect antichristianism ; so that 
 in the inverting mirror they may assume the 
 likeness of unerring truth. It is the same with 
 the persons and things which the hoary father 
 is concerned with ; the sentence is in general, 
 contrary to the real intrinsic merit of the party 
 or cause. Hence we find a turbulent Becket 
 canonized for a saint, and placed among the 
 Roman deities ; and a pious Cranmer con- 
 demned to the stake. Regicide k rewarded 
 as meritorious, whilst walking according to 
 the dictates of conscience is held altogether 
 damnable, both in this and the future world. 
 
 From the proper application of this mirror^ 
 popish bulls, decrees of councils, canons of 
 churches, human composed formula's of wor- 
 ship, are supposed to be stamped with divine 
 authority; whilst the Bible, that only revelation 
 of the divine mind, is considered, not only as 
 insufficient to shew to men the way of salvation,, 
 but even dangerous to be read by the laity^ 
 And is absolutely forbidden their use, lest by 
 knowing too much of the will of God, they 
 should perish from the popish faith : so the 
 
I)IAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 71 
 
 good old vicar obliges the laity to go to hell 
 blindfolded without complaining. 
 
 Nothing can be more certain, than that 
 either his holiness the pope, or the writers of 
 the scriptures, must be mistaken. The former 
 says, the Bible is dark, mysterious, difficult to 
 be understood, and even dangerous to the souls 
 of men ; whereas the latter say, the scripture 
 way of salvation is so plain and easy, that the 
 wayfaring man though a stranger, though even 
 a fool, shall not err therein. The pope has 
 for weighty reasons been pleased to forbid the 
 use of the scriptures, under the heavy penalty 
 of death and damnation ; Jesus the author of 
 the Bible, commands all men to search the 
 scriptures ; and his spirit in Paul, applauds this 
 conduct in the noble Bereans. Surely this 
 points out the very person of antichrist. His 
 holiness at Rome, and all other great leaders 
 of the church, are of opinion that the scripture 
 is not of itself sufficient to be the guide of con- 
 science, the rule of faith and practice, there- 
 fore canons, creeds, liturgies, &c. are intro- 
 duced to make the formula of worship more 
 complete. But Paul the apostle tells man- 
 kind, that, the scripture is able through God 
 to make them wise to salvation. So that the 
 one or the other must needs be mistaken. 
 
 liMP. His holiness of Rome, was in the 
 right to forbid reading of the Bible, aud they 
 find their account in so doing. The old Bible, 
 I am told, tolerates even a gospel minister to 
 
^3 DIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 lead about a wife, but confines him to one only. 
 Therefore this Bible did not suit my good friends 
 of the priesthood. But the pope's bible which 
 forbids to marry, and enjoins an unreserved 
 auricular confession, gives the gentlemen of the 
 cloth an opportunity, under the pretence of 
 being righteous more than others, of being 
 lascivious to the uttermost, and to defile all 
 the nuns in the convent. What full fed friar 
 would not choose a free admission into such a 
 seraglio, rather than be confined by sacred 
 marriage, to one only wife ? With them it is a 
 rule that much pleasure arises from variety. 
 
 Dis. So cousin, I find you are acquainted 
 with our old friends the priests of Rome. 
 
 Imp. 1 have been long acquainted with 
 them. Why cousin, the greatest part of them 
 dwell in my canton of literal fornicators, and 
 they are all freemen in the district of mystical 
 whoredom. 
 
 Dis. 1 have taken care to fiirnlsh every true 
 member of the Italian church, with a partial 
 telescope, by the help of which he takes a false 
 view of the members, of all other communities 
 whatever ; and in the very spirit of the ancient 
 pharlsees, holds all to be accursed who are not 
 of his communion. By these means also, the 
 holiness of real saints is called heresy, and the 
 heresy of the papists obtains the name of holi- 
 ness. The will-worship, superstition, and 
 idolatry of those sons of the njystic whore, they 
 all piety, whilst tjie pure spiritual; worship of 
 
DIAL. IS.] OF DEVILS. 73 
 
 God in Christ is by them termed schism and 
 heresy. 
 
 In my instrmuents the papists, in general, 
 view the righteousness of Immanuel, as the 
 ground of man's acceptance with God, and 
 therefore say they, *' It is all chimera, a mere 
 shadow, a doctrine of licentious tendency, un- 
 fit to be published amongst mankind." But 
 when they consider their own personal merit 
 by the help of my telescope, they are ravished 
 with their own supposed excellency. " A righ- 
 teousness of our own," say they " is a work 
 of substance, and will bear our dependance. 
 Here is righteousness of my own working out, 
 enough to obtain the favour of God, and to 
 spare. Blessed be my own hands for working 
 out my salvation, and more than my salvation. 
 Adored be my own heart for possessing more 
 than holiness suflficient to bring me to heaven." 
 Of the same opinion is the Rev. Mr John 
 Wesley, with whom it is plain, that t'le grace 
 of God is insufficient to salvation, without the 
 co-operation of the creature; who yet is con- 
 fessedly incapable of doing any thing aright. 
 There is a very near relation between the old 
 gentleman at Rome, and his kinsman at the 
 Foundry. Both are popes, though the latter 
 is much more diminutive than the former. 
 
 There was a time v/hen the whole assem- 
 blage of priests, took it into their heads to pro- 
 mote their own religion, and to suppress that 
 which had any tendency to le.^sen tlie import- 
 
*I4f DIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 ance of the sacerdotal order. For their more 
 success they enquired of my mirror as an oracle, 
 for direction as to means most proper for the 
 purpose. Answer was given, " By the pow- 
 er of the sword." Therefore in the popish bi- 
 ble it is written, " Those who in contempt of 
 boly church, shall take upon them to live ac- 
 cording to the dictates of conscience and scrip- 
 ture, shall die the death, and their estates shall 
 be confiscated to the prince of the realm, pro- 
 vided always that one full moiety of every such 
 estate, shall without deduction be returned to 
 his holiness at Rome, the pryice over the kings 
 of the earth. Moreover, whoever shall hesi- 
 tate about yielding his conscience to the guid- 
 ance of the priest, and shall not with apparent 
 willingness bind his soul to the horns of the 
 pontifical altar, shall be deemed and damned 
 for an heretic ; that is, shall be burned out of 
 this world at a stake, and shall burn for ever 
 in the world to come, according to the good 
 pleasure of his merciful holiness." 
 
 Inf. Ah cousin, the devil v/as sadly out- 
 witted in that aifair ; for although the burning 
 of heretics, v/as a pleasing diversion to our 
 good friends the priests for the time being, it 
 has brought them into contempt which will 
 prove everlasting. Plaving set the world upon 
 reflection, it is now found to our grief that the 
 religion of Jesus has no connection with a spirit 
 of intolerance, which, wherever it obtains is 
 known to be the spirit of antichrist. One would 
 
DIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 75 
 
 really suppose, that the successor of St Petec 
 has quite forgotten the injunction given his 
 predecessor, to cease from the use of the sword 
 and let it abide in its sheath, seeing he accounts 
 its edge to be the most convincing of all 
 arguments. But I interrupt your story, cou- 
 sin. 
 
 Dis. Often have I seen the whimsical her- 
 mit and fantastical devotee, take an ample 
 view of his own religious proceedings, with 
 this partial telescope and inverting mirror, and 
 thus sounds the voice of self-applause from the? 
 hermetical cell at the bottom of Sinai, or oa 
 the top of Ararat. " Lo, what an high degree 
 of holiness my own self-denial and assiduity 
 have procured me. Behold ! what great good 
 my crucifixion of the flesh, and separation from 
 the world have wrought out for me; for which 
 I may thank my own resolution. By my 
 pioiis diligence I have attained holiness suffi- 
 cient to qualify me for, and good works more 
 than enough to entitle me to heaven. Happy 
 I, who have made such a good improvement 
 of my time! Unlike to those indolent people 
 who, when they die, are obliged either to pur- 
 chase their pardons at an advanced price, or 
 to lie for ages in the flames of purgatory, burn- 
 ing away their rebelhons. I shall get safe to 
 heaven without so much as touching at that 
 flaming prison on my journey." 
 
 Imp. Dear cousin, how I have laughed; 
 laughed myself out of breath, strong and heal- 
 E 2 
 
76 DIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 thy as my lungs are, to see the papal penitent 
 after he has in holy zeal whipt himself with 
 the cat-o'-nine-tails, for the length of several 
 streets; till the impious oiFending gore has laid 
 on the stones. Enamoured witli his own for- 
 titude in so belabouring the sinful flesh, I have 
 seen him after his penitential work was finish- 
 ed, examine every stripe by the help of my 
 valuable instruments, and as he viewed he cri- 
 ed with the voice of exultation, -' Ah how in- 
 fatuated are those who hope to get to heaven 
 in a whole skin ; w ithout mortifying and pu- 
 nishing the wicked flesh ? To expose themselves 
 to such severe exercises in the discipline of pur- 
 gatory, for want of devotion enough to sub- 
 mit to the discipline of the church ; how im- 
 pious ? But I shall have a speedy entrance into 
 happiness on my dissolution ; for I mortify the 
 members of this body, and these wounds re- 
 ligiously inflicted voluntarily by my own hand, 
 v/ill be as so many mouths to intercede for me 
 with the Almighty." 
 
 Avar. So then, cousin, the intercession of 
 Immanuel is quite out of the question, v.ith 
 your penitents, I perceive. And indeed those 
 people who can whip themselves to heaven, 
 cannot have much need of his advocacy and 
 intercession. If the whip well applied can 
 save a man from destruction, one would be apt 
 to conclude, that Immanuel m'ght have saved 
 himself the expence of such bloody sufferings 
 and agonizing sorrows as he underwent. 
 
PIAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 77 
 
 Dis. That is true cousin ; but their first con- 
 cern is not with Immanuel but his holiness the 
 pope. Not about the favour of God, but that 
 of his reverence the priest, v.ho is thought to 
 have all the orators of heaven under his influ- 
 ence. Therefore, those that hope for favour 
 with the inhabitants of heaven, must be very- 
 careful not to lose the good graces of the par- 
 son ; for it is thought, that no man can meet 
 vrith a cordial reception in the other world, 
 but what brings proper credentials with him 
 from the ghostly guide of his conscience in this. 
 Butdeathisav/onderful instructor, and teaches 
 the poor beguiled criminals, lessons which 
 they never thought of in life ; and amongst 
 others^ this important one, " That the favour 
 of the pope and priest can be no more ser- 
 vice to a dying man, than the favour of Ma- 
 hommet. 
 
 When the true born sons of the scarle-t 
 whore, are pleased to view the protestants with 
 my telescope, indignation rises in the heart ; 
 and thus they give vent to their zeal and ven- 
 geance, " Ah what a goodly heaven would it 
 be to see those heretics broiling in the flames 
 of hell ; when shall vengeace full to the utter- 
 most upon those, who dare despise the autho- 
 rity of the church and its holy high priest?" 
 
 IxF. It is allowed on all hands in the 
 church of Rome, that to protest against the 
 pope's supremacy, and disbelieve his infallibi- 
 Itty i'? the sin urrpardonablc ; for which no di'- 
 
78 BIALOGUES [dial. 13. 
 
 pensation whatever can be obtained from the 
 clergy, however much their so doing may be 
 approved in heaven. And it is an article of 
 the papal faith, that fire and faggot, rack and 
 gibbet, are the most convincing, or rather in- 
 vincible of all arguments, therefore never to 
 be omitted in the decision of religious dis- 
 putes. 
 
 Imp. When we consider, sir, that his holi- 
 ness of Rome is not such an able logician as 
 Jesus of Nazareth, and hath a religion very 
 different from his to defend ; we must allow 
 that he is in the right of it to reason with the 
 edge of the coersive weapon. Fraudulent re- 
 ligion is liable to many disadvantages which 
 that of truth enjoys, and although the one will 
 eternally stand of itself against all the machina'r 
 tions of darkness, the other will require the 
 assistance of violence and intolerance to uphold 
 it. Who then can blame their papal reveren- 
 ces for pulling the sword from its scabbard in 
 order to convince gainsayers ? I have seen 
 iiiany by dint of sound reasoning most griev- 
 ously confound the holy fathers, who became 
 like dumb dogs that could not bark before 
 them ; in a moment's time silenced by the end 
 of a cord, or some other such irrefutable argu- 
 ment. These are wonderful ways of enlight- 
 ening the consciences of heretics, gentlemen. 
 But I pray you cousin, Discordans, have you 
 no concern among the protestants ? 
 
 Dis. Not a little, cousin^ which to-mor- 
 
J)IAL. 13.] OF DEVILS. 79 
 
 row I may give you some account of, but 
 at present must forbear, the usual time of 
 interview being elapsed. Adieu, my kins- 
 men, adieu. 
 
DIALOGUE XIV. 
 
 JDiscordans. 
 
 Yes, gentlemen, strange as it may seem, 
 I assure you my adyantages by these instru- 
 ments are great, and my influence even over 
 protestants not to be destpised. Though it is 
 true, I am at no pains to prejudice the pro- 
 testants against the papists, or to make use of 
 my instruments in order to render the latter 
 more disagreeable than they really are. Fof 
 whilst in the body, it is impossible to make a 
 thorough bred papist more diabolical than he 
 is already. I leave it therefore with the pro- 
 testants to examine the worshippers of the 
 pope, in the mirror of revealed truth, by which 
 the antichristianism of that religion is sufficient- 
 ly detected; and all the fallacy of priestcraft 
 is brought to open light. But, 
 
 Great is the business which I do between 
 one protestant and another; who altho' they 
 unanimously agree to shake off the papal yoke, 
 are most grievously divided among themselves. 
 They abominate the high and arrogant preten- 
 sions of Home; yet they themselves are sever- 
 ally the most orthodox, and drink deeper into 
 the spirit of popery than they are perhaps a- 
 
DIAL. M.] DIALOGUES, &C. 81 
 
 ware of, even of the precious spirit of intoler- 
 anre and bigotry. 
 
 \Vlien a zealous churchman, such as Sa- 
 
 cheveral, or his lordship of L ff, or a Du- 
 
 rell, Nowel, or Blackett, examines his own 
 party with my telescope and mirror ; how ena- 
 moured is the good man on the discovery of 
 his own excellency: how much of the self- 
 opinionated strain Eows from his boasting lips : 
 ** There is no doubt, says he, but our church 
 is truly apostolical ; the purest church in the 
 whole world. We hold fast the form of sound 
 words, and are not forgetful of the tradition 
 of the elders." 
 
 Inf. No cousin, they are not forgetful of 
 tradition, for with all the pompous parade of 
 lordly prelates, there is not a small part of the 
 episcopalian formula that derives its existence 
 from the traditions of even the Romish fathers. 
 Cringing and curtsying when the name of Jesus 
 is pronounced ; worshipping with the face to- 
 wards the east ; keeping of lent and other holi- 
 days, besides the Christian Sabbath ; fasting 
 on Fridays ; crossing in baptism, with a great 
 many more, are all sprung from the Italian 
 fountain. In like manner the names of their 
 priests evidently shew that the pope stood god- 
 father at their christening. And he that but 
 looks on their canonical robes, must be instantly 
 convinced that they are cut in the true Italian 
 taste. However, they are not the only pro- 
 testants who hanker after papal custom*, for 
 
62 DIALOGUES [dial. 14. 
 
 even the Geneva cloke itself discovers the lay- 
 lor's acquaintance with the shops of Italy. 
 And yet to hear the Calvinists boast of their 
 reformation from popery, one would think we 
 could not find so much as a shred of the strum- 
 pet's garments within the pale of their pres- 
 bytery, 
 
 Dis. It is a rule with mankind in general, 
 to look out narrowly for the mote in the eye 
 of another, whilst they tenderly pass by the 
 beam which is in their ovt^n eye ; and as we 
 have brought the world into such a state of dis- 
 order, it is no difficult matter for the eye of 
 jealousy to find faults enow. Sometimes I 
 clap my telescope to the eye of a true son of 
 the church, and direct him to survey the whole 
 body of dissenters ; he obeys, and then ex- 
 claims, *' These same roundheads are schis- 
 matics, prone to strife and sedition ; self- 
 sufficient, turbulent, and uneasy bigots! haters 
 of apostolic discipline, and lovers of licentious- 
 ness, who therefore spit in the face of their 
 mother, and wickedly leave the purest church 
 in the world." 
 
 Imp. I pray you cousin, are there none 
 apostolical besides the episcopalians ? 
 
 Dis. O yes, cousin Impiator ; ajl are 
 apostolical, if their own testimony is to be 
 credited; all the Romish clergy are apostolical 
 and give it out that Peter the fisher-man was 
 their great-grandfather. The church of Scot- 
 land is also apostolical, and the power 6f the 
 
DIAL. 1^.] OF DEVILS. 83 
 
 twelve apostles Is thought to have been trans- 
 ferred to the Scotch presbytery. The inde- 
 pendents are apostolical also, on account of 
 the soundness of their doctrine, and regularity 
 of some part of their discipline. But both tliey 
 and the north country clergymen labour under 
 some disadvantages ; for the latter have lost 
 the deed of transfer, which conveyed the au- 
 thority of the apostles unto the presbytery; 
 and the former are unhappy enough to be un- 
 able to produce either precept or precedent 
 from the apostles for infant sprinkling, which 
 is notwithstanding a foundation doctrine, and 
 by them accounted Christian baptism. The 
 baptists, or as the independents and metho- 
 dists respectfully call them anabaptists, you 
 may be sure are not less apostolical than their 
 neighbours, having, besides all the advantages 
 claimed by the independents, the enjoyment 
 of baptism according to the primitive institu- 
 tion. So that no defect v*hatever, in point of 
 a gospel spirit, can hindei^them from being 
 apostolical. 
 
 Even Mr Wesley and his preachers give 
 themselves out to be apostolical, notwithstand- 
 ing Mr Wesley asserts that salvation is by 
 works, which the apostle Paul denied. No 
 contradiction whatever will hinder the teachern 
 of the people from considering themselves as 
 apostolical. W^hen I am used to attend the 
 Sandemanian church after semce time, and 
 divert myself with their playing at blindmanV, 
 
84 DIALOGUES [dial. 14. 
 
 bufF, I confess I could not easily gather from 
 what part of the apostles conduct they derived 
 their warrant for this ganle ; any more than 
 for cards, skittles, attending plays and mas- 
 querades, going to Vauxhall, Ranelagh, &c. 
 Szc. and yet this is the only apostolic church in 
 the world in its own esteem, taken in its pro- 
 per connections. However it is said, some of 
 the oldest pillars of the church having had their 
 shins repeatedly broken, and the elders noses 
 having been smitten even to bloodshed, they 
 have laid aside that dangerous play of blind- 
 man's buff, so very apostolical a few years ago, 
 and have found out ways and means of becom- 
 ing little children, less dangerous and more 
 becoming their infant capacities, by which they 
 may spend the evening of every Sabbath. 
 
 Imp. By your leave, cousin ; I have often 
 been puzzled to find out how it is the prelates 
 of the church of England came to be apostoli- 
 cal, and I protest I cannot after all unriddle 
 the mystery. I have heard my father say, 
 that the apostles were never consecrated to any 
 see whatever in England, and that there were 
 not half the number of apostles there are ofpre- 
 lates even in this island. Moreover, I have 
 heard him say, the archbishops and bishops of 
 the English church are the successors of the 
 arch-flamins and flamins, the dignitaries of the 
 old British pagan church, prior to the days of 
 Lucius. Now if they hold the honors and 
 revenues of the pagan clergymen, hew h it 
 
DIAL. 14.] OF DEVILS. 85 
 
 tliat they are apostolical ? Is it because the 
 name is changed from fiamin to bishop, ox 
 how? 
 
 Certain it is the. English bishops must be of 
 a more noble order than the apostles. They 
 are lord bishops ; they possess great revenues; 
 they are clothed in soft raiment, and dwell in 
 kings courts ; they are too high, too polite^ 
 too dignified to preach in a common assembly, 
 or indeed in any other more than twice or 
 thrice a year. But the apostles were men of 
 mean extraction, not Lords, not Right Reve- 
 rends; plain Paul, Peter, James, &c. they 
 were contented if their revenues would pur- 
 chase food and raiment for them ; they scU 
 dom appeared among great men, in kings 
 courts, otherwise than in quality of prisoners; 
 they were willing to spend and h& spent, in 
 preaching the gospel to all people, and on all 
 occasions; they had no carriages, no equi- 
 pages ; they had nothing to glory of but their 
 afflictions, which fell upon them in every 
 place wherever they came. 
 
 Inf. There is some weight in your reason- 
 ing, my son, and they will understand it here- 
 after. But in the mean while, it is not clever 
 in the churchmen, however zealous, to charge 
 the nonconformists with having separated from 
 the church. The church of England in her 
 rubric defines a church to be "a congrega- 
 tion of faithful men, where the word is preach- 
 ed, and the ordinances are Jidministere.d ;" 
 YCL. II. ^ 
 
86 DIALOGUES [dial. Ik 
 
 from whence it is plain, a church may meet ia 
 a house which has never a steeple; and a man 
 may leave the house of parish worship, or 
 what is called the parish church, and yet 
 cleave to a con^gregation of faithful men and 
 women, where the ordinances are administer- 
 ed and the word preached, which the rubric, 
 as before observed, acknowledges to be the 
 true church. Churches are built of living 
 stones, which never a parish church nor ca- 
 thedral in England is, therefore a departure 
 from them can never with propriety be said 
 to be a schism in the church. My good friend 
 the high church man, is somewhat unkind to 
 the nonconformists in this affair. 
 
 Dis. I allow it, sir. But I assure you the 
 nonconformists perfectly understand the law of 
 retaliation, and is an adept in the use of my in- 
 struments. In some zealous hour of self-ap- 
 probation you may hear his thoughts about 
 the episcopalians, " These episcopalians, saya 
 he, these mongrels, are monsters in religion, 
 like Ephraim they are neither baked nor unbak- 
 ed, but like a cake not turned ; neither good 
 protestanis nor right papists. Partly they 
 worship God, and partly they obey the pope. 
 What consistency can there be in such a jum- 
 bled religion ? Can there be any good, where 
 there is so much papal dross and refuse? Any 
 true religion, where there is so much false 
 traditional superstition ? Can there be any 
 thing of the substance, where there is so mucH 
 
DIAL. 14.3 OF DEVILS. 87 
 
 of the shadow ?" So you see there Is never a 
 s<3Ct of protestants, but will occasionally do the 
 devil a kindness, in their treatment of one 
 another. 
 
 Inf. This language of the nonconformists 
 is not general, cousin ; for there are many of 
 them who can believe that a person may really 
 be saved, although even not of their commu- 
 nity ; and that all who differ from them, are 
 not to be treated as absolutely enemies to God 
 and all religion. The like may be said of the 
 good people of the church of England, for a- 
 raongst them you will find some who do not 
 really think that every dissenter is absolutely 
 in a state of damnation, and hope at least that 
 a man may escape hell, even though he never 
 sets his foot in the parish church. However, 
 I have often been highly diverted at hearing 
 the church parson on the one hand, railing 
 against the neighbouring dissenters as worse 
 than papists, instead of preaching the gospel ; 
 and on the other hand, the dissenter, with the 
 greatest dexterity bandying backithe curse 
 upon his reverence, as a dog that barks at the 
 sheep of Christ. Prejudice, cousin, deals all 
 in extremes ; it never touches on the middle 
 path of judgment, the path reserved for the- 
 gentle steps of candour. 
 
 Dis. It is not enough that I persuade the 
 
 more bigotted part of both conformists and 
 
 nonconformists, reciprocally to consider each 
 
 other as the avowed and incorrigible enemies 
 
 f2 
 
88 DIALOGUES [dial. 14?. 
 
 of Christianity, and themselves to be its warm- 
 est votaries. But I find means to procure the 
 roncons a sight of each other in my celebra- 
 ted telescope, and each to treat the different 
 denominations with as much rigour and in- 
 justice, as if they were not followers or did 
 not profess to be followers of one and the 
 same Saviour. The hottest episcopalian rage 
 ever felt by their forefathers, discovered not 
 more bigotry -than what some of them disco- 
 ver against one another. 
 
 I, was greatly edified the other day in pay- 
 ing a visit to an eminent quaker, who, when 
 with curious eye he was examining my instru- 
 ments, w^as moved by the spirit of self-conceit, 
 to examine, try, cast and condemn all the sects 
 of professors around him, as destitute of the in- 
 ward power of religion, and thus having the 
 telescope at his eye he began : <' Friend JEpis- 
 eopalius, I perceive thou art so carried away 
 with the form, that thou carest not for the 
 power of religion. Vain man, shadows are 
 thy delight, and thou little regardest the sub- 
 stance. Dost thou think, friend Episcopalius, 
 that the spirit is in the service-book? Why dost 
 not thee read friend Barclay's apology ? Dost 
 ihovL suppose that Christian ministers are ever 
 to be seen shrouded in Romish weeds and sur- 
 plices? How can thy steeple-house be a re- 
 ceptacle of the meek and peaceful saints, v/hen 
 there is such a clinking of bells from the top 
 of it ? Is itnot more likely a synagogue ef satan^ 
 
DIAL. 14.] OF DEVILS. 80 
 
 whose servants are turbulent and noisy ? Thy 
 ministers preach for hire friend, they take 
 tithes and offerings from the people, and hovr 
 can they then be ministers of Jesus Christ? I 
 advise thee friend EpiscopaUus to consider thy 
 ways, and turn to the h,:?ht within thee, then 
 thy priests will let one shirt at i* time serve 
 their turn, and will no longer preach for tithes 
 and offerings. Then shalt thou thyself be led 
 to renounce the fantasies of this vain life, and 
 solicit neither for church nor state preferment, 
 but wilt content thyself with getting money 
 in a way of trade, like our self-denying bre- 
 thren. I say again, vain man, consider how 
 worldly are thy practices," 
 
 " As for you my friends of the presbyterian 
 and independent denominations, I allow that 
 ye do not conform to the corrected mass-book, 
 for which some praise is due to you. But, 
 alas ! ye conform to the world notwithstanding. 
 Look ye, friends, your women v/ear ribbons 
 of unholy colours; rings of gold ; polluted by 
 the prophane hands of the silversmith ; yea 
 ruffles, furbelows, and heads frizzled up to an 
 enormous height, of downright French pro- 
 phaneness ; your women are ladies, madams, 
 and misses, all of which indicate that ye are 
 destitute of the inward power, and neglect to 
 look to the light within you. Yea, examine 
 but your own clothes, ye who call yourselves 
 gentlemen, and see what irreligion discovers 
 it!5elf in every part of their fabrication. Do vou 
 F 3 
 
90 J5IAL0GUES [dial. 14" 
 
 ^ee iVicnds, your parsons wear clothes of an 
 idolatrous black, and bands starched with su- 
 perstition, after the manner of popish and 
 episcopalian hirelings. Ye make ministers, 
 fiprinkle your infants, use ordinances, and like 
 all other worldlings, are as much attached to 
 shadows, r»- if the substance were not come ; 
 yea, your clothes in general are made of un- 
 iioly colours, such as are wore by the servants 
 of the fiesli ; ye wear buttons, made of metal 
 digged out of the bowels of this sinful earth ; 
 €ven pocket-holes impiously gaping in the 
 fore-skirts of your upper garment; and to add 
 to the height of your carnality, your hats are 
 wickedly cocked after the manner of the sons 
 of antichrist. I charge you all, ye presbyte- 
 rians and independents, to turn to the light 
 within you, and that will lead you to the sub- 
 stance. Then will ye forsake all these lying 
 and worldly vanities." 
 
 " As for thee, my friend Baptismus, (con- 
 tinued the serious quaker) thou art worse than 
 nil the rest ; they have fairly given up some erf 
 fche ordinances which were in use in the apos- 
 tles days, but thou retainest every punctilio ; 
 in this therefore thou art formal and superstiti- 
 ous. By leading of people to submit to those 
 primitive ordinances, thou dishonorest the 
 light within thee, which teaches those who 
 ■obey it to despise ordinances, as thou seest in • 
 the case of our brethren. Besides, thy clothes 
 are Df adark colour, like those of other hire- 
 
»IAL, 14.] OF DEVILS. 91 
 
 lings and men made preachers. Why dost 
 thou not imitate our elders in wearing cloth of 
 a religious colour, even of ^n holy drab ? Ob- 
 serve me, friend, thy hat is cocked after a 
 popish manner, and thou wearest a button and 
 loop upon it, after the fashion of antichrist ; 
 why hast thou not hooks and eyes to raise it 
 only to a half bend after the manner of the 
 spiritual ? 
 
 " It appears but too plainly, friend Baptis- 
 mus, that thou art still in the world. Thy 
 preachers also wear popish cambric on their 
 bosom, preach for hire, and assume the epithet 
 of reverend. Thee and thy friends, make a 
 mighty bustle about what thou callestthe scrip- 
 ture. I pray thee, friend, turn the6 from that 
 dead letter, to the author of it within, soshalt 
 thou be taught to contemn ordinances as we 
 do, and to give honor to none of thy fellow- 
 creatures, how much soever it may be due. 
 
 " But thou, my^friend Wesley, comestmore 
 near to the standaVd than any of thy neigh- 
 bours; thy priests are not hirelings, having 
 only food and raiment, and thou wisely takest 
 care of the rest; neither are they of human 
 manufacture, but are all like unto our elders, 
 sent forth by special cojmmission from heaven, 
 from whence thou sayest that thou derivest thy 
 own commission. 
 
 " Thou preachest the free agency of man 
 also, and shuttest none out from heaven, be- 
 sides tliose who will not fulfil thy conditions, 
 
 F 4. 
 
92 DIALOGUES [mAL. 14-. 
 
 or, as our elders say, refuse to obey the dictates 
 cf the true hght vvithm them. Nevertheless, 
 thou fatlest short of perfection, for though thou 
 despisest the bishops as dumb dogs, thou art 
 mightily taken with the steepte-house ;. and al- 
 though thou thyself wilt be subject to no or- 
 dinance but. what thou thinkest meet, thou 
 superstitionsly bindest both thy preachers and 
 people to the observance of every rite of what 
 thou callest the church. I pray thee, friend 
 John, why dost thou pinch thy belly on Pri- 
 days ? What seest thou in the fifth hour more 
 than in the ninth, that thou shouldest set it 
 apart for what th^e callest devotion? Why 
 shouldest thou exhort thy preachers to read 
 the scriptures with thy notes, to read thy other 
 tracts, in preference to all others, to pray at " 
 certain hours, as if the spirit were at their com- 
 mand, and to preach twice every day of their 
 lives? Thou art too formal, friend, and re- 
 gardest not duly the light within thee. 
 
 Inf. And so your frieiid t'he quaker is pleas- 
 ed to tell all the world, that he is possest of 
 the spirit of bigotry and self-conceit. How- 
 ever, he hi not the only big«t in the world. 
 Bigotry is an epidemical distemper among man- 
 kind, and I know no greater bigots than the 
 people who profess to be the warmest votaries 
 for unlimited charity. Who was ever more 
 bigotted than friend Barclay and his quaking 
 brethren ? Or who in the world is more bigot- 
 ted and dogmatical at this day, than the revoj:-. 
 
TjL AL. 14'.] OF DEVILS. 93 
 
 end principal of the Foundry, that great vota- 
 ry for univereal redemption, and the spontane- 
 ous agency of men. So very highl}^ is this gen- 
 tlemen esteemed by many of his people, that 
 I have heard his labours extolled above those 
 of Paul the apostle ; and indeed himseif ac- 
 counted to be one of the two v/itnesses spoken 
 of in the apocalypse. But in tliis they must 
 be mistaken, unless by sackcloth in which the 
 witnesses prophesied we are to understand pru- 
 nella; for black prunella, instead of sack- 
 cloth, has all the prophecies of Mr John been 
 published, 
 
 Dis. My friend the quaker, having trium- 
 phantly surveyed the supposed imperfections of 
 his neighbours, turned the telescope towards 
 himself; then gathering his muscles into a smile 
 of self-complacency, he said, " Yea, it is evi- 
 dent that I am a true follower of the light 
 within, for I give honor to no man, how much 
 soever it is due ; prince and peasant, noble and 
 ignoble, are all the same to me, my fellow- 
 creatures and equals. In farther obedience 
 to the inward light, I do not pray, not once 
 in seven years, unless moved by an impulse 
 from the spirit. My inv.ard Bible I often read, 
 but the dead letter of external scripture 1 leav6 
 to those who are fond of shadows. My rai- 
 ment too is all made of an approved colour^, 
 even of sanctified drab ; and my linen is plain, 
 though fine and neatly drest. Yea, and Mar- 
 tha my good wife tou, is separated from the 
 r 5 
 
8^ DIALOGUES [dial. 11. ' 
 
 Vorld, and is a suitable help-meet to a spiritual 
 man ; she wears no fuvbeloes, no prophane 
 cardinals, capuchins, dominos, See, but all her 
 apparel is rich, good, and plain, becoming a 
 separation from the world. 
 
 Inf. With the quaker's good leave, I think 
 the faults he finds in his neighbours, are but 
 like gnats when compared to the huge camels, 
 which to my certain knowledge he himself can 
 swallow without straining. Besides the vir* 
 .tues of which he makes his boast, even suppose 
 ^ng them to be virtues, are all external and 
 are no more than tithes paid of annise, mint, 
 and cummin, whilst the weightier matters 
 of the law are neglected, perhaps even by thi§ 
 precisian. 
 
 Avar. I have often wondered what it is, 
 that makes a drab colour more religious an(J 
 becoming than another ; yet certainly it must 
 be so, for the quakers are wise, very wise, and 
 could not be imposed on, as every tradesman 
 jvho deals with them is ready to testify. A- 
 mongst my disciples, I have heard amazing 
 accounts of the wisdpm of the quakers, and 
 the use they are of, in teaching even novices 
 wisdom by their provident example. How- 
 ever I hav/e as much wondered what the pa- 
 pists, episcopalians, and every other sect of pro- 
 fessors, discern so amiable and lovely in black, 
 as to induce them to make it a canonical co- 
 lour ; and almost, if not altogether, essential 
 i& the ministrations of the word. No doubt 
 
DIAL. 14.] OF DEVILS. 95 
 
 they have heard that Bekebub is said to be 
 drest in raiment of the deepest black, and one 
 would wonder they should desire theil- minis- 
 ters to be cloathed in the same uniforms, seeing 
 they professedly have declared war against him 
 and all his principalities. Yet so it is, for any 
 other than dark coloured clothes upon a mi- 
 nister, would frighten an auditory out of their 
 pews, and the best of sermons would not be 
 worth hearing, if the preacher were not invest- 
 ed in the sacerdotal livery. 
 
 Fast. It is I my friends, even I, who am 
 at the bottom of that religious whim. But for 
 me, white would be thought to become the 
 pulpit as well as black, and green would be as 
 holy as grey. I call it whim, because the great- 
 est of the Nazarenes, in ancient times, knew 
 no colour which was more holy than the rest ; 
 and the same clothes in which the apostle Paul 
 made his tents, served him as canonical robes, 
 in which he also preached the gospel. By this 
 you may see that my influence is very exten- 
 sive, even in religious things. 
 
 Imp. Vv'hat uncle? Had not Paul a gown 
 and cassock in which he preached, and a sur- 
 plice in which he offered up his prayers. 
 
 Fast. No, Impiator. Where should he 
 have them ? You may know that the gown, 
 surplice, &c. were contrived by the man of sin, 
 I mean the son of perdition, whose principal 
 3eat is at Rome; but in the days of the apostle 
 he was not revealed, notwithstanding the mys- 
 
9& DIALOGUES [l>lAL. 14. 
 
 tery of popish doctrine had indeed began to 
 work. But all this while we forget our good 
 friend ilie quaker. 
 
 Inf. Indeed, brother, we do not use the 
 <;[uaker handsomely in so long neglecting of 
 him ; but to make him some amends I must tell 
 you, that I have often laughed heartily to hear 
 those precise gentry exclaim against the form 
 of religion by others adhered to, as if they 
 themselves were nothing but spirit, when at 
 the same time they are as formal a people as 
 any upon earth* And in truth very few of 
 them know any thing at all of religion, be- 
 sides that very imperfect form which they 
 have adopted. But v/e are wiso enough to 
 keep our thumb upon that, for if the cheat 
 were discovered, I am afraid they would be 
 glad to embrace that part of the form of reli- 
 gion which they reject in order to obtain the 
 power of it, of which thp far greater part of 
 them now are destitute. 
 
 Dis. I can tell you the quakers are liber- 
 ally paid back in their own coin. And amongst 
 every sect of protestants hitherto mentioned, 
 you will find some who seldom or never look 
 at the people called quakers but through my 
 telescope. Were you by, when the quaker 
 is examined by the rest of the protestants, you 
 would almost split your sides with laughing 
 at their partiality and unfair representation. 
 *' Say they, the quakers religion lies all in 
 their dress, speech and money getting. Their 
 
riAL. 14. J OF DEVILS. 97 
 
 religion lies not in the head, but in broad brim* 
 rned half-cocked hats. — Not in their hearts, 
 but in their coats.— Not in their actitjns, but 
 in their tongues. — All their public meetings 
 are calculated to promote the great end of get- 
 ting money and increasing commerce ; are not 
 religious, but merely political." 
 
 By this you may see, that the quakers are 
 abused and belied in their turn, as well as they 
 abuse and belie others. The above reflections 
 are just enough when applied only to some, 
 or to a great many of them, but will by no 
 means hold as a general rule : seeing you all 
 know, there is now and then a quaker who 
 breaks away from his subjection to the god of 
 this world ; and despiting all that we and our 
 sable clan can do to prevent it, gets safe with- 
 in the palace of Immanuel. Moreover there 
 are at those public meetings some, though com-* 
 paratively few, who have a truly religious de- 
 sign in giving their attendance. From these 
 things you may see my friends, that prejudice 
 deals all in extremes, and knows not how to 
 speak favourably." 
 
 Inf* That is a gross mistake, into which 
 we have with great vigilance ensnared the pos- 
 terity of Adam* When a small number only, 
 of any particular body of people are found guil- 
 ty of a certain evil, the crime is usually charged 
 upon the wh^le ; and the precipitate injudi- 
 cious conclu/ion is, " they are all alike."' For 
 instance, the Munster baptists v/ere once guii^ 
 
98 DIALOGUES [dial. 14. 
 
 ty of certain outrages, with which the whoie 
 sect of antipedo-baptists are to this day very 
 charitably calumniated. And because very 
 many of the quakers are amazingly wise to get 
 inoney, and to keep it when it is procured, it 
 k often said they are all such, and that Avaro 
 is their lawgiver. 
 
 Hey day, whither is the rule of moral equi- 
 ty gone, that the professors of religion cannot 
 set their eyes upon it ? Where is that candour 
 and benevolence which the Christian religion 
 every where recommends, that you, cousin, 
 have gained such an ascendancy over them ? 
 Dis. Bj^the instrumentality of these glasses, 
 I got the preachers of salvation by grace tra-f 
 duced as Antinomians and the doctrines of the 
 word of God bespattered, as so many sources of 
 licentiousness. For instance, the preacher as 
 his duty is, declares, " That salvation is not 
 of works but grace," and may thus reason 
 with the people, " You can do nothing that 
 will recommend you to the favour of God ; 
 the Ethiopian may change his hue, and the 
 leopard his spots, as soon as you who are ac- 
 customed to do evil can change your ovn\ na- 
 ture, and learn to do well ; for it is not of 
 works of righteousness which ye have done, 
 or can do, that your salvation cometh, but 
 merely by the calling of free mercy." I instant- 
 ly clap my telescope to the eye of the legalist, 
 and he exclaims '' What an enemy to good 
 wor.Vs, is this same wretched antinomian? Ac'^- 
 Ijording to him, we piay as well do nothino-, 
 
BIAL. 14.3 OF DEVILS. 99 
 
 as strive to procure the favour of God ; may as 
 well lead lives the most vile and profligate, as 
 study to live righteously and holily ; for ac- 
 cording to this same preacher, our wickedness 
 is as acceptable to God, as our most holy and 
 Tirtuous living. Yea, more acceptable ; for 
 he declares, that harlots and publicans shall 
 enter into the kingdom of heaven, sooner than 
 those who do what they can to procure eternal 
 life by their holiness and good works." 
 
 Such is the language not only of the vulgar 
 Rnd ignorant, but of many who profess to know 
 much of religion. Whenever the self-sufficient 
 Arminius is in the humour to try the doctrines 
 of the gospel in my inverting mirror, and the 
 preachers of them in my partial telescope, 
 he very candidly and with great liberality be- 
 stows upon them such as the following reflec- 
 tions. " These wretched Calvinists represent 
 the almighty God as a partial and unmerciful 
 being, who hides his gospel and withholds his 
 grace from men of virtue, wisdom and pru- 
 dence, whilst he reveals himoclf to the most 
 notorious transgressors. They say that a man 
 of a regular inoffensive life may perish forever, 
 when a murderer like Manasseh, a polluted 
 prostitute as Magdalen, and a wicked oppres- 
 sor like Zaccheus shall be saved. If this is true, 
 then we had better live notoriously wicked, 
 than sober, righteous and godly lives. What 
 wretched, what dangerous doctrine is this? 
 They make God to be the author of sin tQO | 
 
100 DIALOGUES [dial. 14. 
 
 for they saj' that nothing comes to pass, but 
 by divine appointment or permission. They 
 talk also of some homble decree, in which 
 God is said to have ordained the things which 
 are coming and shall come. No need of ho- 
 liness, if salvation is not of him that willeth ; 
 no need of diligence, if it is not of him that 
 runneth, but to whom the Almighty sheweth 
 mercy. If God hath mercy only upon whom 
 he will have mercy, and hardeneth whom he 
 will, we may live as we please ; for if to be 
 saved we shall not be damned, what diabolical 
 doctrine is this ? * Thus the Arminian raves 
 against the doctrine of tlie scripture, and all 
 its faithful preachers. 
 
 Imp. I pray you cousin, who are these same 
 Arminians ? You know I am but little con- 
 versant with religious people of any name. 
 
 Dis. The papists in general, cousin ; and 
 all the unconverted, who have any notion at 
 all about redemption through the blood of 
 Christ. Mr Wesley and his followers, the 
 Baxterians and Neonomians; for none exceed 
 them in enmity against the purity of doctrine. 
 Thus you may see, that the Arminian party 
 is by far the most numerous and most honor- 
 
 * These devils I perceive, are not very exact in lite- 
 rally copying the expressions ; but content themselves 
 with expressing the spirit of preachers and writers. If 
 any reader should think that Discordans does injustice 
 to the Arminians here, he may be satisfied of the con- 
 trary by consulting Sellon against Coles f — ■ " ■■■ -l^Iet' 
 cher*5 defence of Wesley's minutes. 
 
DIAL, l^.} OF DEVILS. lOl 
 
 able among men, and therefore gains pro-* 
 selytes from all quarters. Though by the way, 
 it is a pretty strong proof that it is the doc- 
 trine of antichrist, seeing Immanuel and his 
 doctrines are every whe^-e spoken against, by 
 men of philosophy and natural religion. 
 
 Inf. You know, eoudn Discordans, that, 
 we have found out many ways of opposing 
 the pure gospel, and this is one among the 
 rest ; under our influence, the grace abasing 
 libertine censures the true Christian as legal, 
 because he strenuously pleads for purity of 
 heart and regularity of conversation. On the 
 other hand the real legalist whether he be So- 
 cinian or Arminian alleges, that the evangeli- 
 cal Christian is an Antinomian, because he 
 utterly disclaims the merit of good works in 
 the business of salvation. Indeed on all hands 
 those who choose either of the extremes, never 
 fail to censure such as adhere to the middle 
 path of judgment ; which you know is the 
 only^ path of safety. 
 
 Fast. Your observation brother fulfils what 
 is written in Immanuel'sown word, concerning 
 these same Nazarenes, <' As for this sect it is 
 every where spoken against:" hoi? ever the ene- 
 mies of true religion differ among themselves, 
 they agree in stigmatising the real Christian, 
 Belarmine, Puckdus, Huberus, Hemengius, 
 &c. holy fathers of the Romish chufch, heartily 
 belaboured them in their days ; Dr Whitby. 
 John Goodwin, Whiston, &c. of the English 
 
102 DIALOGUES [dial. 14. 
 
 church, have carried on the dispute with equal 
 warmth and improved the same chain of argu- 
 ments against them in latter days; in the pre- 
 sent time Dr Harwood of Bristol, Mr Wesley 
 of London, Mr Sellon of Derbyshire, and Dr 
 Nowel of Oxford, have managed the popish 
 cause with amazing address, and all the while 
 pass for true protestants. So that every where, 
 that gospel which is suited only to the perish- 
 ing sinner, is spoken against as pernicious and 
 subversive of holiness. 
 
 Dis. Our friends, the men of this world al- 
 ways view the sect of the Nazarenes in my 
 glasses, and as they look on them, they say : 
 " What a despicable tribe is this? A set of 
 mean beggarly people, the off-scourings of the 
 earth, and the very dregs 6f humanity. Not 
 a person of any considerable rank among them. 
 Led by the nose by a set of illiterate dogmati- 
 cal fishermen. What person possest of any 
 sense of honor v/ould frequent their assemblies, 
 or have any connection witli their societies ?" 
 
 Infid. Your remarks are very just, my 
 worthy cousin ; for mankind in general have 
 forgotten that the scripture says, " Not many 
 wise men after the flesh, not many noble 
 are called: but God hath chosen the foolish 
 things of this world to confound the wise, and 
 tlie weak things of the world to confound 
 the mighty." So that the very objec- 
 tions raised against them, prove the Naza- 
 
jblAL. 14-.] OF DEVILS. 161 
 
 renes to be the people whom Immanuel hath 
 redeemed out of the world. 
 
 Dis. True sir, but they see not the mistake. 
 But to proceed ; my instruments farther re- 
 present them, as a set of hollow hearted hypo- 
 crites, whom our people thus deride. " What 
 painted deceivers are these, who make such a 
 stir about religion, and affect such an air of 
 sanctity. Hear how they sigh and whine, 
 whilst that rogue of a fanatic tells them his 
 cant story about I know not what. The scrip- 
 ture says, " Be not righteous over much, seek 
 not to be over wise." And I dare say that we 
 have as much religion as they, though we do 
 not make such a stir about it. I'll warrant me 
 these hypocrites are more wicked in private 
 than we are in public ; for although they 
 will not get drunk, curse and swear as we 
 do, they will cheat and lie like the devil 
 himself." 
 
 Fast. A demonstrative proof of the perfec- 
 tion of our conquest over them ; for mankind 
 in general do not only hate godliness itself, 
 but even its appearance. And for this reason 
 true sanctity, devotion, and self-denial, are 
 comRionly censured as hypocrisy. 
 
 Dis. As our good friends of the world are not 
 as yet perfectly agreed in their manner of aspers- 
 ing good people, it happens that different people 
 pursue different methods equally absurd and 
 diabolical. Some for instance arepleased to say, 
 
104 DIALOGUES [dial. 1^, 
 
 *' These people are melancholy. See how 
 they- hang down their heads like bulrushes as 
 they pass along the streets. One shall never 
 Bee them look pleasant nor hear them sing a 
 merry song as others occasionally do with 
 innocence : I hate that religion which makes 
 people melancholy," 
 
 Infid. People greatly betray their own 
 ignorance, when they assign the cause of melan- 
 choly to the religion of Jesus? the end of which 
 is to revive and comfort the melancholy sinner, 
 whose heart is opprest with a sense of guilt 
 and defilement. To revive the spirit of the con- 
 trite, to bind up the broken hearted, and to 
 Snake the lame leap foF joy because they ob- 
 tain the prey. Nor do those revilers of reli- 
 gion consider that they themselves, by their 
 contempt of Christianity, do all they can to 
 excite the grief of the sincere Christian, who 
 cannot see his fellow sinners walking jocosely 
 in the paths of perdition, without dropping 
 over them a tear of commiseration. 
 
 Dis. No, they never think of the real 
 cause, but with a disdainftd sneer contintre 
 to say, " See how they melt in sorrow ; hark 
 how they sigh and groan, whilst their artful 
 parson tells them an horrible story about death 
 and judgment, heaven and hell, salvation and 
 damnation, with I know not what. They are 
 driven out of their senses with such terrible 
 doctrine. Who w&uld thus subject his cousci- 
 
BIAL. 14.]' OF DEVILS. IQ5 
 
 erice to the pedantry of these enthusiastic 
 bigots their uncharitable parsons V* 
 
 Fast. The fashionable part of the world 
 hate to think of death or judgment, because 
 the very thought would deprive their beloved 
 pfeasures of all their imaginary sweetness. 
 
 Dis. That is just the case sir ; for another 
 of my friends says of the above people, 
 These ways with their parsons teach them are 
 enough to drive a man out of his senses. What 
 man of spirit could endure restraint from all 
 manner of pleasure ? According to them, one 
 must not so much as play at cards, spend a 
 cheerful evening at the tavern, nor so much as 
 to take a Sunday's airing. Play-houses, balls, 
 and assemblies, must all be laid aside. And pray 
 how is our time to be spent ? Read the Bible, 
 truly, the most tiresome of books ; pray the 
 one half of their time, and for aught I know 
 hear sermons the other half of it. What per- 
 son of any taste could bear to be bound to the 
 observance of such measures ? Let them read 
 the Bible who will, give me a good play or 
 novel. I'll have none of their religion, not I." 
 
 Infid. It is true, pltiys and novels are light 
 reading, and well suited to the taste of people 
 abandoned to dissipation. Nevertheless, even 
 people of fashion may if they please reflect, 
 that reading the scriptures, praying and hear- 
 ing sermons, are subjects unfit for their ridi- 
 cule ; though by the way I do ail I can to 
 promote their religion, ' 
 
106 BIALOGUES, &C. [dIAL. 11. 
 
 Fast. And as for me I hold it good we visit 
 our respective divisions, to see that the works 
 of darkness be not neglected; and that we- 
 pieet here at the usual time* 
 
DIALOGUE Xr. 
 
 Privy to their appointment, I watched 
 in my solitary retreat, impatient for the return 
 of the black fraternity whom I always found 
 extremely punctual among themselves, and 
 observant of every appointment, unless some 
 very urgent business demanded their presence 
 elsewhere. At the hour appointed they ar- 
 rived at the place of rendezvous ; and having 
 seated themselves on their respective thrones, 
 the conversation was opened by 
 
 Fastosus. I have been thinking of the stu- 
 pidity and ignorance of mankind, exhibited 
 in our last interview, and cannot but wonder, 
 however dark and blind, they do not see that 
 the very people whom they censure as ene- 
 mies to holiness, because they oppose salvatioa 
 by works, are the same identical persons who 
 are said to be melancholy with being righte- 
 ous over much. Reason, even unassisted, 
 might easily discover the palpable absurdity, 
 and for the future avoid a contradiction so 
 glaring. I would have my slaves consistent 
 with themselves, seeing I have given them the 
 name of rationalists. But error will always be 
 inconsistent. However^ Disccrdans, we will 
 
!08 DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 leave the blind sons of Infidelity to hug them- 
 selves in their fancied rationality, and attend 
 to the remainder of your story. 
 
 Dis. My sire, I am all obedience to him 
 who alone could give me being : and to resume 
 the thread of my story >yould observe. That, 
 strange as it may seem, I do, by the help of 
 these amazing glasses, make one evangelicaj 
 minister quarrel with another, and that mere- 
 ly because they do not understand each others 
 jnaanner of expression. One man, for instance, 
 ivill have it that Immanuel obtained his per* 
 sonality by eternar generation ; another will 
 have it to be by divine filiation ; and anothei' 
 still is content to believe Iiim to be the only 
 begotten of the Father, vt^ithout attempting 
 to explain how, or in what ?ense he is begot- 
 ten or filiated. All of those three are firm in 
 the belief of Immanuel's scnship, his Deity, 
 and mediatorial capacity, as well as every doc^ 
 trine of faith. And yet, strange ap it may 
 seem, those very men shall be so prejudiced 
 against one another, that they cannot coinfort- 
 ably have fellowship together; but may even 
 prove injurious to each others usefulness: and 
 3t may perhaps be very difficult to determine 
 which of the three discovers most of a gospel 
 spirit. Every one is in the right, and infalli- 
 bly assured that the other tv/o ought to come 
 into his opinion. 
 
 It is the very same with respect to diversity 
 of ^ifts. One is led in a peculiar manner in? 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 109 
 
 to th^ doctrines of faith, well able to state; de- 
 fine, and defend them against opposition. 
 Another is widely led about in the wilderness 
 of temptation and affliction, by which he ob- 
 tains peculiar talents in comforting the distress- 
 ed, and pouring oil into the bleeding wounds 
 of broken hearts. And a third is kept on the 
 mount of enjoyment ; his heart is kept warm 
 by a sense of interest, by which enjoyment he 
 is active and lively in the work, a zealous pro- 
 moter of practical godliness. All o£ which 
 gifts seem to be essentially necessary to a gos- 
 pel ministry, and are all by the same spirit. 
 And yet, would you think it, these very men 
 shall treat one another as unsound in the faith 
 in one sense or other ? The first is deemed a 
 dead dull anil useless preacher, whilst at th^ 
 same time he is effectually stopping the 
 mouths of gainsayers. The second, it is fear- 
 ed, loves to be peculiar, and verges a little to- 
 wards Antinomianism, notwithstanding many 
 a feeble knee is strengthened by his ministry. 
 And the third is a rambling inconsistent preach- 
 er, notwithstanding by his instrumentality 
 many are brought to a sense of their sin and 
 danger. 
 
 These quarrels are ofgreat use toour govern- 
 ment, as they fail not to reproach Christianity, 
 stumble the weak believer, and grieve all good 
 men. But this is not all. You know that 
 two men may have the self same sentiments 
 in religion ; and yet one shall choose toexpress 
 
 \0L, II. G 
 
310 DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 himself in this manner, and another in that, 
 which difference of expression only may be at- 
 tended with ver}^ serious (Consequences, if can- 
 dour is not present on the occcision. This was 
 the case with Trebonius and Theodoras. The- 
 odorus heard Trebonius preach on a particu- 
 lar occasion, found himself offended with some 
 of his expressions, and thought it his duty to 
 make the preacher acquainted with it as soon 
 as possible. But as Trebonius has too good 
 an opinion of his ov/n attainments, easily to 
 detract a saying, he vindicated not only the 
 doctrine, but the mode of expression. The- 
 odorus was now more than ever persuaded, 
 that Trebonius was unsound in the fcaith, and 
 was not satisfied with verbal))' defending the 
 truths of the gospel, i. e. his own sentiments, 
 but commenced a paper war with Trebonius. 
 His apology for this step was indeed artful, 
 for he lugged in both Christ and religion into 
 partnership with him, and under their autho-* 
 rity, or pretended authority, he did what he 
 could to impeach the orthodoxy, and mar the 
 usefulness of Trebonius. 
 
 When Trebonius read the performance, he 
 found himself aggrieved, and something with- 
 in him being deeply wounded, he resolved on 
 retaliation. To work he goes: first establishes 
 his personal orthodoxy, which he also called 
 the gospel of Christ, then vindicated his own 
 proceedings, which by an happy turn of 
 thought he also linked with the hoaor of re- 
 
DIAL. 15.2 OF DEVILS. Ill 
 
 ligion. Though the truth is, neither the gos- 
 pel of Christ nor the honor of reh'gion had 
 any concern at all in the squabble. Hov/ever 
 having first set himself and his doctrine in a 
 respectable point of view, he proceeded dili- 
 gently to search out and expose every blemish 
 in the performance, and in the end did as much 
 for his brother as he before had done for him. 
 Thus those two champions for the gospel, 
 that is for their own honor, went on exposing 
 to the public, all they were acquainted with of 
 each others weaknesses and folly ; never once 
 suspecting that by so doing each was exposing 
 his own want of wisdom, and a true Cr.ristian 
 spirit. Mean while the friends of both were 
 exceedingly concerned, and in vain studied a 
 reconciliation between them. But O what 
 pleasure did it afford our society? And how did 
 Ambitiosus and me, and other jocular devils, 
 laugh at their iblly and childishness ? From 
 sources of no greater importance than this, I 
 assure you, most of the quarrels amongst pro- 
 fessors arise. But when the contention is onc^ 
 begun, it is hard to say where it will end. By 
 these means we get the affections of Christians 
 divided one from another, and instead of being 
 mutual helpers of each other, as the Almighty 
 designed them, we make them mutual hind- 
 rances and burdens ; so that though, we can- 
 not indeed destroy them as we would, we 
 disturb and distract them to an amazing de- 
 gree. 
 
 G 2 
 
112 DIALOGUES J[dIAL. 15, 
 
 Fast. My son, j^ou would have had cora- 
 paiatively, little advantage over these san)e 
 people but for my invention of school-divi- 
 nity. That is the' great engine of the devil 
 Discordans. But f(^r school-divinity you might 
 even have retired to hell, or contented yourself 
 with doing business among the laity, or in the 
 unconverted v^orld ; for if the professors of 
 religion were content with what is written in 
 the scripture, and chose as much as possible 
 to express themselves in Bible language ; 
 there would be such a likeness in expression 
 as well as sentiment, that very probably you 
 would find little to do amongst them. 
 
 Infid. I doubt it not, sir. Notwithstand- 
 ing, I must assure you, my kingdom has suffer- 
 ed greatly by controversy^. For nothing has a 
 more direct tendeiicy to inform the mind than 
 well managed controversy. But when it 
 springs from blind prejudice, and is carried on 
 in a party spirit, it has a wonderful tendency 
 to strengthen my interest ; especially if the 
 contending parties mutually egree to expose 
 each other as much as possible, as in the late 
 squabble between Parson Ilorne and Alderman 
 "VVilkes ; and which is for the most part the 
 practice of polemic divines. Tjiose two im- 
 portant gentlemen, the parson and patriot, 
 gave as n;uch pleasure to the court party, by 
 flinging rogue and aiheist at each other with 
 so much patriotic zeal, as some divines in tlieir 
 polemic writings has given the devil by throw- 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 113 
 
 ing heretic, Arminian, Calvinist, Antinomian, 
 d'C. in each others faces. Few divines caa 
 dispute without calling names. 
 
 Disc. I have before now stirred up a spirit 
 of jealousy between a minister and his people, 
 and between one minister and another, in a 
 manner inexpressibly masterly. For example 
 about a century ago, the accurate Camillus 
 preached an excellent sermon at Potheina, 
 Ivhich was heard by several of the people to 
 whom Junius was pastor; and they being 
 greatly affected with the seasonableness of the 
 subject, and the practical manner in which it 
 was handled, invited Camillus to visit them, 
 and preach in Junius's pulpit, not doubting 
 but it would be altogether agreeable to their 
 beloved pastor. Full of the sermon when they 
 came home they could not help making Junius 
 partaker of their pleasure. They expati- 
 ated largely upon the excellency of his me- 
 thod, the tertility of his illustration, and the 
 propriety of his application, all of which they 
 did not doubt but Junius would admire as 
 much as themselves. But this was not pre- 
 cisely the case. Junius could not help being 
 sensibly affected with what he had heard, 
 but prudence forbid him to deny Camillus his 
 pulpit. 
 
 AVlien retired, and reflecting on what had 
 passed, he strongly suspected that his own ho- 
 nor was injured, by his peoples high encomi- 
 imis cvi Caniilius's sermon. '• My peoole;, said 
 c. 3 
 
114^ DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 he, allege they never heard such an excellent 
 sermon as that which Camillus preached. 'Tis 
 something strange, that this one sermon should 
 affect them more than all ray seven years 
 preaching among them. J never heard them 
 &ay half so much about any sermon of mine. 
 It shows a great want of affection and respect 
 lo me as their own minister I conceive ; and 
 they shall hear of it at a time convenient." 
 
 Fast, With Junius's leave I think he dis- 
 covers a love of praise, which is by no means 
 the offspring of an humble s^.irit. He w^ould 
 rather be pattered, than his people should be 
 silent in hjs commendation. But the judici- 
 ous seldoo) think it prudent to say much in 
 praise of any person to his face, how well so- 
 ever they may be affected towards him; and 
 that for two very good reasons. ( ] .) Such com- 
 mendation has not a little of the appearance 
 of flattery, liowever sincere it may be in the 
 party who bestows it. (2.) There are but i'ew 
 who are able to bear much commendation, 
 without sustaining damage by it. A man must 
 be led deeply into an acquaintance with his 
 own nothingness ^ud insufficiency, before he 
 can bear to be prdjsed and caressed *. 
 
 * It is a very common thing in gospel churchef, that 
 if they have a member of more usefulneso than others, 
 they exalt and extol him above his measure ; so that 
 he becomes elated with self-conceit, and in the issue, 
 when he cannot carry every point his own way, he 
 turns against his farmer caressers, and becomes the 
 scourge of the community. In this the righteous judg- 
 
DIAL. 15^2 O^ DEVILS. 115 
 
 Infid. That is true brother, and yet people 
 may err even on that hand, and be cautious 
 over much ; for fear of pufTmg him up by un- 
 seasonable commendation, may depress the 
 spirits of their minister by v>ith-holding from 
 him, that countenance and encouragement 
 which his spirit and circumstances require. 
 
 People are in all things given to extremes, 
 hnd either a minister is caressed and almost 
 adored as an unparallelled person, or he has lit- 
 tle or no notice taken of him. I rem^ember a 
 remarkable instance of this in the last century. 
 There was an independent church, who hav- 
 ing a minister of a lively address and sound 
 doctrine, one who bid fair for great usefulness 
 among them ; yet a lineal descendant of the 
 great Diotrephes, who loved to have the pre- 
 eminence ; and one who chose to direct them 
 in all the concerns of life, in their families, in 
 their business, as well as in the church. To his 
 governm.ent they yielded themselves implicitly, 
 and almost adored the ground upon which he 
 trod. With caresses and favours they loaded 
 him, till they had raised him to the very height 
 of self-sufficiency and iicportance; from which 
 they themselves at last assisted to cast him 
 down; and the contempt then poured upon 
 him, pretty nearly equalled their former ca* 
 resses. After him they had another, of anal- 
 most contrary disposition. He had but a very 
 
 ment of God is m^nf.st, who wIU have all men to ap- 
 pear in their native nothingness and emptiness, unwor- 
 thy of the trust and dependaace ©f on^ another. 
 
116 DIALOGUES [dial. 13* 
 
 mean opinion of his own abilities, either for 
 preaching or governing. He had such constant 
 acquaintance with the power of his own cor- 
 ruptionS; that he was commonly low and de- 
 prest in spirit. He never assumed any superi- 
 ority over even the meanest member, firmly 
 believing himself to be the vilest and most un- 
 worthy sinner of the whole community ; he 
 stood in need of all encouragement possible, in 
 order to hearten him for his work. Yet the 
 same people who had destroyed the former 
 with unseasonable kindness, suffered the latter 
 to drag on heavily all his days, that from them 
 he seldom or never heard of his word having 
 been made usefuL And I suppose must have 
 sunk under his discouragements, if strangers 
 who afterwards came into the church had not 
 been more free with him in discovering some 
 degree of affectionate regard. Different spirits 
 will require different usage, in order to preserve 
 their usefulness: what was death to the former 
 of those ministers, would have been life and 
 vijxour to the latter ; and what so exceedindy 
 weakened the hands of the latter, would in 
 all probability have been the preservation of 
 the former. But we forgot parson Junius, 
 eousin. 
 
 Disc. Sir, Junius would have his own hu- 
 mour; and accordingly, when the time came 
 that Camillus made his visit, any person at- 
 tentive to Janius's behaviour, miglit easily 
 find that his friend's room would to him, have 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 117 
 
 been more agreeable than his company ; not- 
 withstanding for decency's sake, he forced him- 
 selfto carry it to himuith some degree of seem- 
 ing civility: I say seeming, for even Christian 
 people have not as yet learned, to be exactly 
 on all occasions what they seem. But Camillus 
 is a sagacious man, soon perceived Junius's 
 coldness through all his formal civility and 
 seeming difference. He began to question 
 with himself from whence this coldness might 
 have proceeded ? In what he might have 
 given offence ? But never dreams that jea- 
 lousy is at the bottom. Is he not offended with 
 my doctrine ? said he to himself. What can 
 be the meaning of this distant carriage of his? 
 What hsve I done or said that might give him 
 umbrage ? So Camillus reasoned, but hit not 
 upon the real cause. And as Camillus is some- 
 what fond of his own sentiments, though a 
 man inferior to few who are accounted good 
 and religious, he could not help being in doubt 
 about the orthodoxy of his friend. By these 
 means, happily invented by me, this well-de- 
 fiigned visit, instead of answering the valuable 
 ends of promoting religious friendship, rather 
 tended, by my intervention, to alienate their 
 affections from each other. 
 
 Junius would still have his own humour, and 
 from that day forward discovered a shyness to 
 those, who seemed most delighted with Ca- 
 iTiiillus ; and v.hcn occasion ofTcrGd, he did 
 
nS DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 not Sparc bestowing on them, what is called 
 a dry rub. 
 
 This was not all, for Junius could not leave 
 his prejudice behind him when he went to the 
 pulpit, where he adapted his discourses accord- 
 ingly. On the other hand, his people could 
 easily see he was not in his usual spirit; and 
 they concluded, that they had given him no 
 just cause of offence. 
 
 Mean while both parties mutually watched 
 each others words and deportment. If Junius 
 happened to speak any thing harsh either from 
 the pulpit or in common conversation, it was 
 isaid to proceed from a bad spirit. On the 
 other hand, if any of them happened to object 
 to any thing spoken by him, he immediately 
 concluded, either that his people were pre- 
 judiced against him, or did not love sound doc- 
 trine ; for he had not a doubt of the soundness 
 and truth of his own doctrine. And so they 
 went on, till in the issue there was a final se- 
 paration. Behold, gentlemen, how great a 
 fire a little spark of my nature kindleth. Every 
 well-wisher to the Belzebubian government 
 must acknowledgCj that the devil Discordans 
 merits great applause. 
 
 Fast. I speak for the rest my son, and own 
 that your usefulness is of great extent. I per- 
 suade myself your royal grandfather will well 
 reward you, by giving you eternal duration a- 
 niong the people of the nether regions, for 
 f ertainly your achievements merit the great- 
 
DIAL. 15.] OP DEVILS. 119 
 
 €st esteem. \Miy, my son, you make the Na- 
 zarenes weak as /)ther men ? 
 
 Disc. After all I assure you, at certain 
 times I have hard work of it. I mean when 
 Mr Submission, m}^ avowed enemy, and me 
 happened to meet. This Submission is one of 
 InimanueFs own children, a very great peace- 
 maker, therefore his business is directly oppo- 
 site to mine; and although I hate him, I must 
 say, he is one of the meekest persons upon 
 earth. Never is he known to quarrel with 
 any person, except myself. And I confess 
 that in ever}'^ scuffle with him hitherto, I have 
 had the worst of it; but I thank my stars, it 
 is very seldom I meet with him. When we 
 do meet, meek as ho is, I am quite nonplussed,, 
 and am obliged either to flee, which I abhor, 
 or to fall before him, which is jet a greater 
 mortification to a spirit so noble as I am. 
 
 Inf. So then cousin, I perceive, you are as 
 ill put to it Avhen you meet with submission, as 
 I am when I,encounter his elder brother Fides. 
 Fides is a warrior with whom I have main- 
 tained a very long, though not doubtful war ; 
 not doubtful, because I am woi*sted as sure as 
 ever I enter the lists with him. With great 
 facility I can overturn the power of every other 
 heavenly chieftain ; but this fellow, this same 
 Fides is Immanuefs champion, and has per- 
 formed the most unparallelled achievements : 
 such achievements as never were performed 
 by any hero besides himself. He hath subdur 
 
120 SIALOGUES [mAL. 15, 
 
 ed kingdoms, wrought righteousnesses, obtain^ 
 ed promises, stopped the mouths of lions, 
 quenched the violence of fire, escaped the 
 edge of the sword, out of weakness hath made 
 people strong, causing even from fainting to- 
 wax valiant in fight, turning to flight the armies 
 of the aliens. He hath given to women their 
 dead children again, sustained others under 
 the most cruel tortures, in such a manner, 
 that they would not accept of deliverance ; 
 gave a good report of the promised land, to 
 those ancient worthies who walked about in 
 sheep skins and goat skins, destitute, afflicted, 
 and tormented, of whom, notwithstanding they 
 lodged in dens and caves of the earth, th^ 
 world itself was undeserving. 
 
 These are a specimen of his achievements 5 
 but great and heroic as he is, he finds that I 
 also am of noble deeds ; a spirit not easily ren- 
 dered inactive, and niore difficult still entirely 
 to subdue. Although he has the promise of 
 the most complete victory in the end, I put 
 him to exert his utmost ; for when to appear- 
 ance I am dead as a pebble, and Fides has the 
 sole pre-eminence in the soul of man, I play 
 reynard with him, feign myself dead in order 
 to escape the vengeance of his arm. 
 
 In time he finds out my deceit, for I watch 
 i]ie opportunity when he is in the very height 
 of a paroxysm, and can scarcely breathe. He 
 is exceedingly troubled with fits, which will 
 foraetimes hold him for a long time together^ 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 121 
 
 and in whieh you would take him to be wholly- 
 dead ; then I take the advantage, and rise up- 
 on him with all my powers, and beat and 
 bruise him till life begins to return, which is 
 BOt always f>f a sudden ; but when he feels the 
 weight of my arm, and the smart of the wounds 
 which I inflict on him, his spirit returns to re- 
 newed vigour, he unlocks the magazines of 
 grace, and brings forth such implements of 
 war as I am not able to stand against ; so that 
 before he is well out of his fit he is as strong as 
 ever. At other times he i^ a long while before 
 he is freed from the effects of his fits ; weak- 
 ness, indisposition and languor hang upon 
 him for many months, at which time he re- 
 ceives no mercy at the hand of Infidelis. 
 
 This fellow is of the most amazing consti- 
 tution, for whereas on one hand, idleness ne- 
 ver fails to throw him into a lethargy, so on the 
 other, hard labour, severe conflicts, and cruel 
 buffetings, never fail to make him strong and 
 vigorous ; and what is very remarkable in it- 
 self, but very unlucky for me, is, that, the 
 more he is beaten and bruised the stronger he 
 grows, and these fits in which you would take 
 nim to be just a-dying, it is said, only tend to 
 make him the more robust and lively ; which 
 is the reason that although I frequently put 
 him to great pain, I am always discomfited in 
 the issue. 
 
 However, gentle friends, you must allow, 
 when circumstances are considered; my yalouj.' 
 
 VOL. II. IJ 
 
1^2 DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 will at least equal, if not prove superior to that 
 of Fides. He fights under a certain assurance 
 of victory, and knows of a truth, that in the 
 end he shall be more than conqueror? I as well 
 know that I shall be discomfited, which would 
 dishearten any besides myself, yet notwith- 
 standing the discouragement, I give him many 
 a vigorous turn for it ere I desist, and foully 
 trip up his heels oftener than thrice. Even 
 when I have him down, spravi^ling and gasp- 
 ing for life, I am conscious he will afterwards 
 renew his strength, and give me a most severe 
 drubbing ; and, that his victorious hand shall 
 in the end put a period to the days of great 
 Infidelis. Yet this noble principle of royal 
 malice prompts me on, and I will not yield an 
 hair's breadth whilst life endures. Oh the 
 fearful combats I could relate, which I have 
 had with this heavenly champion, this same 
 Pides. 
 
 Fast. We shall be glad to hear of them, 
 ray brother, at another time ; but at present 
 if agreeable, I should like you to resume the 
 story, part of which we have already had*, 
 respecting the progress of your kingdom ? 
 
 Inf. You have already heard how agree- 
 able to his holiness my instructions were, as 
 also of the laws by which the whole system of 
 religion was inverted, and how the pious priest 
 had invested himself with the perfections of 
 deity. I knew that the introduction of this 
 * Vol. I. Page 143. 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 123 
 
 new Christianity might be attended with some 
 difficulty, therefore advised his holiness, the 
 father of the world to deify some others as 
 well as himself; but at the same time, lest 
 his supremacy should be in any wise infringed, 
 to take care that none should be deified till 
 after their death, and that only with an inferior 
 rank of godship. He took my advice, cano- 
 nized a vast number under the title of saints, 
 and ordained masses to be said to them out of 
 his own newly composed Bible : for the old 
 Bible in use amongst primitive Christians, hav- 
 ing its laws so contrary to those of the pope, 
 was by his authority made null and void, and 
 Rome once the mistress of the world, became 
 the mother of harlots ; once more the seat of 
 paganism. But for distinction's sake, we call 
 the latter Christian-pagans ; because they ex- 
 ercise all their villainy under the specious 
 shew of Christianity. 
 
 In order to support the Christian-pantheon 
 worship, slaughter-houses were built, and cal- 
 led holy inquisitions ; where every one who 
 was known to deny the supremacy and infalli- 
 bility of his holiness the pope, or so much as 
 harbour a suspicion concerning the papal faith, 
 was treated with as little mercy as if he had 
 been in hell. By these means, people were 
 kept in the most dreadful awe; so that, if any 
 man happened to be intelligent enough to see 
 through the cheat, he was obliged to keep his 
 mind to himself; well knowing, that one 
 H 2 
 
124 DIALOGUES [dial. 15<. 
 
 word spoken agaipst the lucrative fiiith of the 
 priests, would have ensured his certain death 
 by means the most barbarous and cruel. By 
 this amazing subtility of priestcraft, with the 
 utmost security they carried on their villainy, 
 under the mask of sanctity for many centuries, 
 and all Europe trembled at the indignation of 
 the priesthood. For by means of my brother's 
 medals, and titles of ecclesiastical dignity, to- 
 gether with my blinding influence, the various 
 orders of ^-everend flithers, clave as fast to his 
 holiness as scales to one another on the impe- 
 netrable back of leviathan. 
 
 Yet terrible as the priesthood were, they 
 could not totally prevent the light of the gospel 
 shining less or more, in some parts of Chris- 
 tendom, especially in Britain ; where Wick- 
 liffe and his disciples gave their reverences 
 no small uneasiness ; for which they poured 
 vengeance upon his bones forty years after his 
 demise. This same scripture light kindled in 
 England by Wickliffe's ministl'y, spread itself 
 to the continent, where first John Huss and 
 Jerome of Prague, galled the sides of popislr 
 prelates; for - hich the very pious council of 
 Constance, first recommended them to the care 
 of the devil by excommunication, and then in 
 |;he name of the God of mercy, condemned 
 them to be burned to death for believing thq 
 Bible. It is amazing to think, with what dex- 
 terity they have luj>ged in the name of the Al« 
 
S»IAL. 15.] OF.DEVILSr 125 
 
 mighty, to sanctify their murders on all occa- 
 sions. 
 
 About a century after this, a very strict en- 
 quiry after truth began, by the instrumentality 
 of John Calvin and Martin Luther, two avow- 
 ed enemies to popisli wickedness. This revi- 
 val of religion was very alarming to the priests 
 of Rome, and very injurious to my govern- 
 ment. His infallible Holiness instigated by 
 the devil Crudeiis, voted their immediate de- 
 struction by fire and iaggot, by poison, assas- 
 sination, or any way ; for there is nothing 
 dreaded by this same vicar of Christ, so much 
 £s the spreading of gospel knowledge. 
 
 These measures however I withstood, having 
 from past experience found, that coerslve mea- 
 sures are by no means the most likely to re- 
 <luce professors of religion to the obedience of 
 infidelity ; and I thought it better to send the 
 devil Discordans to visit them, with instructions 
 to make them quarrel about the forms ef re- 
 ligion, this I took to be the most likely method 
 to invalidate the testimony of both, and to 
 baffle and confound their followers. This was 
 done, and they jarred exceedingly about cir- 
 cumstantials; but do what we would, they spake 
 of the doctrines which are absolutely necessary 
 to salvation, with perfect uniformity, which^ 
 greatly frustrated our dark designs ; and tteif> 
 lire of reformation so lately fanned by degGreat 
 spread itself on the Continent, and ir 
 n 3 
 
126 DIALOGUES [dial. 15' 
 
 Britain where it arose in the days of Wick- 
 liffe. 
 
 The pope and me being lotli to give up the 
 government, we had always been accustomed 
 to have in these nations, did what we could to 
 stifle the reformation : but alas ! it went on 
 with rapidity in the days of Edward, and 
 might have made greater advances than it has 
 ever yet done, if luckily for his holiness and 
 me, that prince had not been taken away in 
 early life. Mary being a princess just fitted 
 to our turn, no sooner ascended the throne 
 than I flew to England, accompanied by the 
 devil Crudelis, resolving at all events to crush 
 w ith oppression, all who rebelled against me 
 and his holiness. To this salutary purpose 
 were transported from the pope's arsenal, 
 abundance of hempen cord and faggots be- 
 yond number, that we might oblige the peo- 
 ple to renounce Jesus Christ, and worship his 
 Ilomish infallibility. 
 
 There were in those days two lusty bishops,^ 
 
 right reverend tyrants in the devil, Bonner of 
 
 London, and Gardiner of Winchester, who 
 
 hearing of our arrival, came equipped in their 
 
 prelatic robes, to do us greeting and bid us 
 
 welcome to the British shore. This brace of 
 
 right reverend prelates, we appointed prime 
 
 ajnquisitors, in matters of faith, and principal 
 
 thab'^nts of our intended cruelty : indeed none 
 
 were ffiver sustained the office of priest, ever 
 
 tre trusty friends, to the government 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 12? 
 
 of Rome and hell, than were tliose worthy 
 prelates. 
 
 The vigilant devil Crudelis ceased not day 
 ©r night from persecuting the saints, so that 
 many of the ringleaders of thesectof the Na- 
 zarenes were apprehended, tried, condemned, 
 and tormented to death at a stake ; such as 
 archbishop Cranmer, bishop Hooper, bishop 
 Latimer, bishop Ptidley, &c. S:c. But as it 
 happened in former persecutions so it fell out 
 in this. The ashes of burned saints proved 
 such fertilizing manure to the church, that in 
 defiance both of hell and the pope, the detest- 
 ed Nazarenes became by far more numerous. 
 Wlierefore if our friend Mary of zealous and 
 s^carlet memory, had not been summoned 
 hence to receive her reward, the poor devil 
 Crudelis must necessarily have desisted, mere- 
 ly from incessant and unsuccessful fatigue, 
 and the Nazarenes would have obtained rest, 
 solely from o.ur desperation. 
 
 But when Immanuel beheld such havoc 
 made of his church, and so many places bath- 
 ed with sanctified blood, his wrath took the 
 alarm ; in his judgment he cut down the 
 zealous queen and her two trusty bishops, and 
 raised queen Betsey to the throne of England, 
 Now the sword of persecution was wrested 
 from the hands of the papists, and the good 
 people of the church of England, did for the 
 puritans what the zealous papists had done/^^' 
 them during the reign of queen Mary, 'ihi^ 
 H 4. 
 
128 DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 same queen Elizabetli, was a great zealot for 
 high church, and a vigorous nurse of episco- 
 pacy ; but the Brownists and other dissenters, 
 felt the full weight of her regal vengeance»^ I 
 happily prevailed unexpectedly, with the di- 
 vines of the established church, to retain the 
 more refined part of the popish system ; which 
 those men who were for a thorough reforma- 
 tion, both in doctrine and discipline could nofc 
 comply with ; and for their non-compliance, 
 we taught them that the arm of episcopacy is 
 every whit as heavy as that of popery, when 
 it is exerted for the good of the church. And 
 for my own part I prompted their reverences, 
 to coersive measures, being very apprehensive, 
 that the reformation might have been carried 
 on farther than it really was. 
 
 Avar. And I assure you, I myself was not 
 idle in those days, but played my game into 
 the hand of great Infidehs. I met their lord- 
 ships the prelates j^ (I shall never forget it) in 
 full convocation, and reasoned with them on 
 the intended reformation, and unto ray argu- 
 ments they lent a willing and attentive ear, 
 «' Well, gentlemen, said I, do you intend to 
 come to a thorough reformation then, and re- 
 duce Christianity to its primitive simplicity ? 
 Have you considered, gentlemen, that in so 
 doing you must lose your princely revenues, 
 ^nd descend to a level with plain Peter, Paul, 
 fi"^ Barnabas, which must needs be a very 
 mortit^ing step to some of you. Recollect I 
 
DIAL. 15.] OP I>EVI^-. 129 
 
 pray you, hmv long your prese.,- profits and 
 dignities, have been enjoyed by > ,y^ .ede- 
 ccssors in your several sees. Longbefoi-, d^ns- 
 t'ianity was know n in Britain ; even beyoii^ ^j^^ 
 ken of history, this nation was divided iniv;> 
 the several bishopricks and archbishopricks by 
 you enjoyed. Through all the ages of popery, 
 the same division of the nation into arch-fla- 
 Riinries and flaminries, continued under their 
 present denominations ; and will you discover 
 such a degree of mortification, as to give up 
 the profits annexed to your ecclesiastical dig- 
 nifies ? That were to show indeed, that pro- 
 testant bishops have less providence than pagan 
 jflamins. Yet, if you arc determined to purge 
 your religion from every relict of popery ; your 
 profits, gentlemen, must be parted v,ith, your 
 revenues must be enjoyed no more, and how- 
 will this be relished by you V By such sensi- 
 ble and seasonable remonstrances, I won great- 
 ly upon the minds of their lordships, and in 
 t'lie issue it was resolved, that rather than part 
 with their dignities and revenues, they should 
 submit to many things which have no founda- 
 tion in scripture. 
 
 Fast. You bring to my mind, cousin Avaro^ 
 the reception I met with by the dignitaries of 
 the ancient church, on the distribution of the 
 fore-mentioned medals. 1 went attired in my 
 robes of state, to deliver one of my archiepis- 
 copalian medals to a certain priest ; whom I 
 instantly created *' His grace and most rever- 
 H 5 
 
150 DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 end." He -^^^'^bled over to himself several 
 times ; <i.'i^ost reverend, his grace," viewing 
 the mi^^^^ ^^t^ t'l^ closest attention. It is — -it 
 j^^ g*id he, a very soft and agreeable mode of 
 address. Most reverend ; his grace. Yes, 
 niy lord, said I, it is very musical, and what I 
 myself only am capable of composing. A mode 
 of address very becoming the dignity of an 
 archbishop. Humble preachers, such as Peter, 
 Paul, Timothy, and Titus, might be very well 
 contented, without being their graces and most 
 reverend, for they were not as you are, cour- 
 tiers, clothed in soft raiment. But for a spi- 
 ritual courtier, for the primate of a province, 
 to prostitute his name to vulgar,mouths, would 
 be highly unbecoming, would greatly eclipse 
 the honors of your elevated station. *' But 
 worthy sir, returned he, 3^du know this is a 
 yery censorious world in which we live, and 
 some people may be wicked enough to sup- 
 pose, that such a title as, his grace; does not 
 go well become a man whose breath is in his 
 nostrils, and I may be censured as ambitidus.'J 
 I hope, my lord, replied I, you will not medi- 
 tate too much on the gloomy subject of mor- 
 tality, or that will make your dignity cumber- 
 some indeed. Honors fade, sir, on the pros- 
 pect of the grave. As to your being censured 
 as proud and ambitious, I hold the contrary ; 
 h will be deemed essential to your high estate, 
 and the use of the Bible being prohibited, the 
 laity will not know but your order is of aposto- 
 
DIAL. 15.'} OF DEV.-c^r. 231 
 
 Ileal institution. Besides, ther« jg ^y lord 
 duke enjoys the same title of addres> ^vith your 
 grace ; so that instead of being censi y^^ ^g 
 proud and antichristian, all ranks of people 
 will revere you the more for it ; especiall}', ^s 
 it will make you a fit companion for princes/ 
 The nobility will consider you as their superior 
 in as much as a spiritual duke is superior to a 
 temporal, so that in the church your seat will 
 be next to the cardinals, and in the senate- 
 iio use, next to the prince himself. The gen- 
 try will faun upon youspaniel-likcf, in order to 
 obtain preferment for younger sons, and the 
 vulgar will adore you as a demi-god. 
 
 I would farther advise you, to lay aside 
 preaching to the vulgar race, and apply your- 
 self wholly to affairs of state ; unless called to 
 it, may be cnce in seven years, to preach to 
 the king and his nobles. " Ay, replied the 
 worthy prelate, but how shall I dispense with 
 the obligations I am under as a bishop, to me- 
 ditate on these things, to give rhj^self wholly 
 to the ministry of the word and prayer, yea, 
 to be instant in preaching the word in ^season 
 and out of season V Oh sir, replied I, you 
 need to be under no concern about that. " Sure- 
 ly, sir, that is the^ duty of a bishop,'' replied 
 he. Yes, very true said I; the duty of 
 bishops, such as weve in the apostles days ; 
 such bishops as are appointed in the New- 
 Testament. But what has that to do with a 
 diocesan bishop or an archbishop, of whom you 
 If 6 
 
132 DiAiOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 yourself ar-^ tlie first. There were none of 
 them yo^^ know in tlie apostles days; none ap- 
 pomt^<l ^^ the word of God. And therefore 
 th^siaws which bind scriptural bishops to obe- 
 dience, can have no manner of power over you 
 as diocesans ; much less can a metropolitan, 
 such a bishop as the apostles never thought of, 
 be under any such injunctions. Surely your 
 grace must know that a lord bishop, or a gra- 
 cious metropolitan must have enough to do 
 without preaching the gospel. Yet if these 
 things are not sufficient to remove the scruples 
 of your mind; and you should still have a nO' 
 lion, that preaching is a duty incumbent on 
 you, I can put you in a way to satisfy your 
 conscience, without abating any thing of your 
 greatness. 
 
 " Pray, sir, be so kind," said he. May it 
 please your grace, replied I, it is neither more 
 nor less than to preach by proxy, as people 
 plead their causes in a court of judicature. 
 You know it is the same in eft'ect, whether 
 you preach in person or by prexy, so that 
 your numerous' iloek have preaching enough. 
 
 Farther with your grace's leave, I do not 
 think it becoming your dignity, even to say 
 prayers in your own family. How far beneath 
 the character of such a spiritual dignitary, to 
 _be down on his knees amidst his servants, wor- 
 shipping his Maker ? Let me advise you, either 
 to lay aside family worship altogether, or have 
 it performed by a chaplain. This will have 
 
DIAL. 15.] OF iSEV^ILS. IS^ 
 
 two very great advantages attending It. 1. It 
 will save your grace a great deal of hard and 
 unpleasant labour. And 2. It will make your 
 grace's piety to be admired by the vulgar. Me- 
 thinks I hear one say to another, " Whu'" a 
 good man is my lord, the archbishop ? for a 
 though be is too high for saj'ing prayers him- 
 self; or has got so much that he has no need 
 to pray, he gives a good salary to Mr Honey- 
 lip duly to perform the offices of religion in 
 his stead." 
 
 All this while, the good archbishop conti- 
 nued absorbed in thought, and avraking as 
 from SL trance, he said, with astonishment 
 glowing on his countenance, " Sir, you amaze 
 rae ! So pertinent your counsel ; so persuasive 
 your address. You have more than half 
 bi'oiight me over to your opinion, as my future 
 conduct will testify/' 
 
 Having succeeded even be^vond expectation 
 with his grace the archbisliop, I waited imme- 
 diately on all the diocesans, within the ponti- 
 fical jurisdiction, and took the most likely 
 measures to bring them over to our interest. 
 
 1. I persuaded them, as I had done the 
 archbishop before them, that the worldly gran- 
 deur with which I and his holiness had invest- 
 ed them, was certainly too heavy a burden for 
 them to be able to ascend the pulpit stairs, 
 above once or twice a year ; and that evea 
 then it ought not to be, to preach to an ordi- 
 nary congregation. 
 
134? DIALOGUES [dial. 15. 
 
 2. That they might discharge their duty, to 
 the souls within their respective dioceses, by 
 providing vicars to watch over them in their 
 stead, in their several parishes or divisions, that 
 they might freely spend their time either at 
 the court of Rome, or at the courts of their 
 several princes, without sustaining loss at 
 home. 
 
 Disc. Why, sir, according to your account, 
 the readiest way to stop the mouth of a noisj' 
 preacher, is to make a bishop of him. 
 
 Inf. The only way in the woyld, cousin. 
 Had the king of England given a bishoprick to 
 the noisy Whitefield, as he was advised to do 
 by a certain nobleman ; it is unknown what 
 mischief might have been prevented. A bi- 
 shoprick would have done him more real in- 
 Jury, than if all the bishops in England had 
 written against him. You remember well, 
 how Dr. D — d once threatened our ruin, and 
 promised fair for doing a mischief to our go- 
 vernment ; till our happy stars fixt him in a 
 
 prebend's stall, and a r 1 chaplainship ; 
 
 since which time he has been quiet enough, 
 and lets people sleep on and take their rest se- 
 curely. 
 
 Fast. Having secured both orders of popish 
 bishops, I took care to establish deans, abbots, 
 monks, friars, vicars, chaunters, prebendaries, 
 canons, minor canons, &c. &c. From thence 
 I proceeded to persuade the higher orders of 
 clergy, to encoufage plurality of livings, well 
 
2>iAL. 15.] OF DEVILS. 1S5 
 
 knowing that if a country vicar could but pro- 
 • cure a fat and fruitful benefice, he would even 
 imitate his betters, and preach as little as pos- 
 sible. I have often with great pleasure observ- 
 ed, that if a benefice exceed two hu.^dred 
 pounds per annum, the poor vicar who enjoys 
 it, finds himself very unable to preach, and is 
 therefore obliged to liire a journeyman, to 
 whom he leaves the bulk of his business. By 
 tliese means we got curates introduced into 
 the church ; a set of gentlemen sold to slavery 
 and inured to poverty, not for want of parts 
 and learning, nor always for want of piety, 
 but for want of what is by far more necessary 
 to preferment, a patron. A journeyman 
 weaver, watch-maker, or cabhiet-mgker, can 
 afford abetter table than many a gentleman, 
 who lacks nothing but a patron, to make him 
 equal to the very first of bishops. 
 
 Happily it just answered our desire, and was 
 not long before a sharp conflict between the 
 vicars and curates ensued ; as it is not without 
 a vein of drollery, I shall give you a sketch of 
 it. There was a certain vicar, who having 
 obtained a living of about 5^800 a year, called 
 bis curate to him one day, and thus addressed 
 him: *' Mr Curate, I am now in a station 
 which will admit but of little preaching ; I 
 must therefore get you to take that part of the 
 service principally upon yourself; I am under 
 a necessity of visiting the neighbouring gentle- 
 men, and assisting them in their polite amuse-' 
 
iSG filALOGl/ES [dial. 15. 
 
 mentS; as has been the custom of my prede- 
 cessors for time immemorial ; so that little of 
 my time can be devoted to preaching or pray- 
 ing, and less still to study and contempla- 
 tion." Mr Curate replied*^ " Indeed Sir, I 
 am but a poor hireling, whose scanty allov/- 
 ance is no way adequate to labours so exten- 
 sive. I am resolved, sir, to measure my ser- 
 vices by my annual salary." The vicar^s bene- 
 fice being sufficient to raise him above preach- 
 ing, and the curate's allowance so small, that 
 he could not afford to preach much, it so fell 
 out between vicar and curate, that the parish- 
 ioners could not obtain above twenty minutes 
 preaching weekly, in return for their tythes, 
 many dues and oiferings. This you know was 
 greatly to our advantage, 
 
 Aacther instance of altercation, between the 
 vicar and curate, I well remeviiber, which also 
 was decided in our favour. " Hark you', Mr 
 Curate, (said a certain vicar one day to his 
 journeyman) I expect you shall take the care 
 of all the souls, within my parish, upon your- 
 self, as I have much business of a very different 
 nature on my hands," " I take the care of 
 them, sir, (replied his curateship) what have I 
 to do with them ? I shall take no care of them 
 I assure you." "Well, but Mr Curate, said 
 the vicar, I hired you on purpose that you 
 should take the care of them, off from me." 
 " Indeed sir, rejoined the curate, I will not, 
 I am resolved ; do you th'mk that for the scanty 
 
^lAL. 15.] OF DEVILS, 137 
 
 allowance of twelve shillings per week, I will 
 put my own soul in the place of your parish- 
 ioners ? No, sir, let him take the care of 
 them, who is best paid for so doing." '' Then, 
 said the vicar, let niy lord bishop take care of 
 them, for he is better paid than either vicar 
 or curate." By these means the parishioners 
 may go to heaven or hell, as most suits their 
 inclination, provided always the fees are punc- 
 tually paid. 
 
 Imp. Weil, father, I really think those cu- 
 rates wei'e in the right ; for as they receive but 
 journeyman's wages for doing the drudgery of 
 the business, it is unreasonable to desire any 
 more than journeyman's labour from them. 
 If they perform the more servile parts of the 
 office, for their scanty allowance, it seems but 
 meet the vicars who receive the far greatest 
 part of the profits, should tak^ the burthen of 
 sottls upon themselves. If I am not greatly 
 mistaken, the far greater part of mankind, the 
 vicars and high-priests alone excepted, are of 
 the same opinion with me and the curate. 
 However, that was all in th6 days of popery, 
 and the church of England, hath since been 
 blessed with a great reformation. 
 
 IxF. It has so, Impiator,and been deformed 
 again, almost far enough. Some time after 
 the reformation indeed, the gospel was preach- 
 ed almost every where in England, which 
 made me apprehend the most dreadful conse- 
 quences, and made me exert my utmost influ- 
 
138 DIALOGUES, &C. [DIAL. 15. 
 
 ence, in order to reduce the clergy to obedi' 
 ence. 
 
 This important point was in a great measure 
 carried, by fixing their attention inordinately 
 upon tradition, and kindling relentings in the 
 bosom of many a gownsman, towards the old 
 scarlet lady, whose government had been re- 
 jected. So, tliat by degrees I drew them to 
 take counsel, as formerly, from the wise Infi- 
 delis ; one particular instance of which I shall 
 give you, if you think it will not too long de- 
 tain you from necessary business. 
 
 Fast. That is well thought of brother. 
 Idleness belongs not to our fraternity ; I hold 
 it good therefore, that we adjourn to our usual 
 time of meeting. 
 
DIALOGUE XVL 
 
 Fastosus, 
 
 When we parted yesterday, you men- 
 tioned some particular instance of the clergy 
 seeking to you for direction, brother ; will it 
 please you to relate it to us now ? 
 
 Inf. It is only a little confabulation I had 
 with my good friend, parson Out-and-in. 
 The case was this : I set out one morning for 
 Rome, to remove some scruples which infested 
 the mind of his holiness, the father of the 
 world ; but passing by parson Out-and-in's 
 garden, I beheld the reverend gentleman in 
 his morning gown and velvet cap, walking 
 slow and pensive, to all appearance in a de- 
 jected manner. Charity bid me stop and re- 
 lieve the thoughtful divine. At her command 
 I stopped, and called : So — ho, Mr Out-and- 
 in ; how do you do ? The good gentleman 
 awaking as from a trance, erected his body 
 into a perpendicular posture, pushed up the 
 snout of his cap from over his eyes, and finding 
 it was me who called, instantly replied. " O 
 my good friend, Rationalis ! (for that is- the 
 riame by which I am known by the clergy of 
 all denominations) am I so happy as to meet 
 with you, in this so difficult season i I pray 
 
140 1)IAL0GUES [DfAL. 16. 
 
 you most honorable tutor, be pleased to stop 
 and give me your adviee." 
 
 I went to him, arid thus the old Levite be- 
 gan^ *' Most truly, noble, and intelligent sir, 
 land my brethren, the genuine children of 
 learning and science, have long been much 
 grieved at the rapid progress of fanaticism, 
 which now prevails amazingly over the people ; 
 so prevalent is it, sir, that flmatical preachers 
 are more followed, more esteemed than we, 
 the votaries of almighty reason. In these days, 
 &ir, there are some, who in a frantic manner 
 decry the noble powers of the human soul, 
 which we esteem to be almost divine ; who 
 preach salvation, by what they call the righte- 
 ousness of Christ, contrary to the instructions 
 which we receive from that illumination which 
 thou hast given us. We have long been stu- 
 dying how to suppress this fanaticism, and to 
 promote the more consistent doctrine of salva- 
 tion by our own works, and the liberty and 
 freedom of our own will to perform perfect 
 righteousness. It is intolerable sir, to hear 
 tnen of virtue and piety, placed on a level 
 with vile publicans and sinners, who know not 
 the law, and are therefore accursed. Impious 
 in the highest degree, to suppose that the be- 
 nevolent Deity will not reward our good en- 
 deavours to please him, by working out our 
 own salvation, without trusting in the righte- 
 ousness of another. 
 
 To be sure, said I, to gentlemen of virtue 
 
:»IAL. 16.] OP DEVILS. Ml 
 
 and goodness, it must be very mortifying to 
 submit to be levelled with those who work 
 not, but believe in him who justifieth the un- 
 godl}-. Very trying indeed, to own one's 
 self to be an hell-deserving sinner, when your 
 own reason bears witness, that you deserve the 
 inestimable blessings of everlasting happiness, 
 for your own personal goodness. What man 
 of virtue and moral goodness? what gentleman 
 of a clear head and good heart, like yourself, 
 can bear to be told, that harlots and publicans 
 shall enter the kingdom of heaven sooner than 
 you ? I wonder not, my worthy sir, that the 
 preaching of salvation by the works of another, 
 should be a stone of perpetual stumbling, and 
 a rock of invincible offence to you. And this 
 offence will never be removed, till we can so 
 manage It, that this same book called scrip- 
 ture, is made to truckle to the more consistent 
 dictates of human reason; by whicii alone the 
 authenticity of doctrine ought to be attested, 
 independently of any records whatever, either 
 ancient or modern. 
 
 1 myself have beheld the preaching of the 
 cross of Christ, with a great deal of uneasiness ; 
 but for seeing the self-righteous Jews break 
 their bones by stumbling upon it, and the wise 
 philosophic Grecians turning merry-andrews, 
 and laughing at it as foolishness, I should cer^ 
 tainly have sunk into despair ; because I was 
 unlrappy enough to see it prove both the pow^ 
 er of God; and the wisdom of God; to those 
 
142 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 who felt themselves actually in a perishing con- 
 dition. But my good Mr Out-and-in, per- 
 mit me to tell you, that whatever pain I en- 
 dure on account of a preached gospel, I can 
 do nothing that will effectually prevent it, 
 without the concurrence of the clergy. By 
 the way, let me not so much as hint any de- 
 fection of the clergy. No, sir, I thank my aus- 
 picious stars, by far the greatest part of them, 
 are upon the right side of the question. There 
 are but few, very few, who preach those en- 
 thusiastic doctrines, with which the articles, 
 homilies, and rubric are stuffed ; very few 
 who concern themselves about what is, or 
 what is not, the doctrine of the Bible. 
 
 But, to the matter of your troubles, sir, I 
 apprehend they may be reduced to these two 
 heads only : To suppress the growth of fana- 
 ticism on the one hand, and secure to your- 
 selves the patrimony of the church on the 
 other. " These are all, returned he, if we 
 can but accomplish these, we desire no more." 
 Then, sir, if no more is aimed at, I shall put 
 you in a way by which you may accomplish 
 them. 
 
 Observe m&- then, my good friend Mr 
 Out-and-in, the first thing to be done, is, to 
 draw as thick a vail as possible over the per- 
 sonal excellences, grace, and righteousness of 
 Immanuel ; for these, wherever they are 
 preached, have a tendency to eclipse all hu- 
 man glory, and greatly to diminish the profits 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 143 
 
 of the altar ; which you know are the princi- 
 pal things that ought to be advanced. The 
 holy trade of priestcraft can never prosper, but 
 in proportion to your departure from the doc- 
 trine of the cross. Yet this must be done with 
 caution, lest the eyes of the people should be 
 opened, and the propagation of your rational 
 religion be prevented. The important ques- 
 tion then is, " How you may retain the cha- 
 racter and authority of Christ's ambassadors, 
 whilst at the same time you are labouring to 
 extirpate the doctrine of salvation by his blood, 
 from the rational world ; as you cannot expect 
 to be so much regarded by the people, if ever 
 you lose your claim to ambassadorship. Of 
 this therefore you must be very cautious, and 
 by no means declare yourselves avowed ene- 
 mies to the gospel in so many express words. 
 
 No, sir, you must find out the most glorious 
 names which possibly can be ascribed to the 
 Son of God, yet such names as do not in ply 
 his personal divinity ; these would spoil your 
 scheme, and therefore must be rejected. For 
 instance, you must not call him Immanuel, the 
 mighty God, the everlasting Father, God ma- 
 nifested in the flesh, Jesus Christ yesterday, 
 to day, and for ever the same ; Alpha and 
 Omega, &'C. Sec. These and such like names 
 must absolutely be laid aside, for they make 
 directly against the rational scheme. On the 
 other hand, you must be equally careful not to 
 speak slightly of his person, name, and autho- 
 
144^ BIALOGUES [dial. 16- 
 
 rity, by barefacedly calling liim, but a man 
 like yourselves, as Doctor Priestley has preci- 
 pitately done ; and by so doing betrayed the 
 cause of rational religion, into the hands of the 
 orthodox, to be mangled and tortured after 
 the manner of that wicked Shaver. In short 
 you must consider, that the people are not all 
 rational alike, and therefore a downright de- 
 nial of the Godhead of Christ, may be attended 
 with very serious consequences. Some people 
 are firmly attached to the Athana&ian creed, 
 merely out of deference to the judgment of 
 their ancestors ; and others are as firmly at- 
 tached to the scriptures, from an inivard con- 
 viction of their divine propriety; so that with-- 
 out the greatest care you may be baffled in 
 your very first attempts to promulgate your 
 rational religion. 
 
 In short, sir, notwithstanding you believe 
 him to be but a man like yourself, or at most 
 but a dignified creature, you must of necessity, 
 for fear of the populace, give him a kind of 
 SMiFragan deitj^ or deputed Godhead, like that 
 of Mars or Mercury in the pagan theology. 
 Your friend Mr Whiston, a man of deep in- 
 telligence has shewn you what may be done 
 in this way ; do you, my good Mr Out-and- 
 fn, imitate the same Homer-like minister*. 
 
 * Homer-like minister. Homer was a wondfrful 
 creator of gods and goddesses, and so was Mr Whiston, 
 from his own account of the Trinity, which he make§ 
 to consist of one uncreated, and two created Gode. 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 145 
 
 To be more particular, you must never omit 
 when you speak of him, to use great and swel- 
 ling words of seeming respect, as if you had 
 the most profound veneration for his person ; 
 call him the only son of the most high God 
 — the first born, and most exalted of creatures 
 — a being far above men and angels — under* 
 God, the great dispenser of all things, both 
 in earth and heaven. Not a syllable of his 
 measuring the seas in the hollow of his hand; 
 of his meting out heaven with the span ; of 
 his comprehending the dust of the earth in a 
 measure ; weighing the mountains in scales, 
 and the hills in a balance ; or of his taking up 
 the isles as a very little thing. That is a de- 
 scription of Jesus, most adverse to what you 
 would have thought to be rational religion, 
 which considers him as no more than a man 
 like yourselves ; it is good therefore that sucli 
 descriptions should never be quoted. By 
 keeping close to those appellations which artj 
 proper to him, only as man and mediator, 
 you will vail his real persona^ dignity, and in 
 time your audience will quite forget all their 
 old orthodox notions, concerning the proper 
 deity of the Lord Jesus Christ, which at pre- 
 sent are so very offensive to you and your 
 brethren. 
 
 2. When you happen to hear of any man, 
 who is a zealous and diligent preacher of Chris f. 
 crucified as the only foundation of the sinnei^'s 
 hope, you must look to it that sometliing bo 
 
 VOL. II, I 
 
146 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 speedily done, to prevent his success, for such 
 a man is capable of being very injurioua to us 
 and our rational religiori. His followers will 
 consider you as no better than hirelings, mer- 
 cenary priests, and enemies to the gospel of 
 salvation. Therefore you must, but always 
 with the greatest art, attack his character. 
 Stigmatize him with such names of reproach 
 as you think will be most likely to take with 
 the vulgar. However you must beware of 
 touching his moral character, for that will 
 he like the body of Achilles, invulnerable even 
 to malice itself. His religious character, be- 
 cause less understood by the common people, 
 will be more easily injured, and therefore the 
 most proper object of your attacks. 
 
 You may call him an enthusiast, which is a 
 name understood by very few ; therefore the 
 greatest part pf the people will consider him 
 as some outlandish monster, and avoid him as 
 they would shun the path of a crocodile. Or 
 you may call him a methodist ; this also is a 
 name well calculated to excite popular ab- 
 horrence, as you know many would rather 
 choose to be papists than methodists. Or you 
 may call him an anabaptist, or fanatic. In 
 short you may dress him in what names you 
 think will most effectually stir up the people 
 to bait him, as they would do a bull or a bear 
 from the forest ; and so far as your influence 
 goes; you may totally prevent hi,s usefldness; 
 
BIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 1^:7 
 
 wliich 3;oa know will be a great service done 
 to the devil, and to rational religion. 
 
 But ray good Mr Oiit-and-in, take care that 
 you be not too bare-faced in your slanders, 
 as Doctor Priestley has been in his against the 
 orthodox dissenters. His zeal for rational re- 
 ligion is so furious, that it prompted him to 
 rend the disguise, which ought by all means 
 to have concealed his impln cable hatred of the 
 orthodox. This however he has thought pro- 
 per to discover in such a manner, tliat his word 
 in a way of slander, will now scarcely be taken 
 by any body, so that even the rationale 
 themselves are ashamed of his rashness. But 
 you, my friend, may avaifyourself uf his mis- 
 carriage, and avoid the rock upon which he 
 foundered under full sail, by considering that, 
 amongst the laity there are always to be found 
 a discerning few^ whose penetration may be 
 too keen for a flimsy disguise. Now, should 
 your malice be detected, your very reproaches 
 would bring him proselytes, as in the case of 
 Dr Trapp of crabbed memory, and the late 
 i\Ir Whitebeld. Therefore let all your re- 
 proaches seem to flow rather from pity than 
 malice. Do not fail tc commend something 
 of tlie good that is in him ; this will be an 
 excellent cloak, from under which you may 
 witlrtthe greater freedom shoot your arrows of 
 caluirny. For example, when his name is 
 iriev;tioned in company, you may say, " He is 
 & goodsoit of man, I believe ; but I am sorrv 
 I 2 
 
148 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 for him, poor man, he hath imbibed sad en- 
 thusiastic principles. The poor weak, weJl 
 meaning man would do good if he could, I 
 believe, but is sadly led away by methodistical 
 notions." Sir, there are a thousand ways of 
 vending scandal with seeming pity, which 
 some people are perfect masters of; but your 
 divines are too warm, and therefore their 
 arrows fall to the ground before they inflict 
 any wound at all. 
 
 I have known an important minister ere 
 now, ruin the reputation of his neighbour with 
 less than ten words speaking, and those two 
 seemingly spoken in much pity. Oh sir, there 
 requires great art in scandalizing to purpose. 
 Nothing gives such a point to the arrow of 
 scandal, as a seeming concern for the welfare 
 of the party whom you want to ruin. I could 
 recommend you to certain gentlemen in great 
 estimation for religion and virtue, as the most 
 accomplished in this necessary art, did not I 
 know that you disdain to learn from any in- 
 ferior to myself. 
 
 3. If you would invalidate the doctrine of 
 imputed righteousness you must begin just 
 here, and proceed in the following r.ianner. 
 That it is a doctrine which must be brought 
 into contempt, as you would wish to preserve 
 the honor of the creature is clear to a demon- 
 stration ; seeing, whenever a man is brought 
 cordially to embrace it, his looks, however 
 lofty before, are brought down, and he lies at 
 
DIAL. 16.2 ^^ DEVILS. 149 
 
 the feet of Jesus as a perisUing and lost sinner; 
 which you know is inconsistent with the dig- 
 nity of a philosu-pher, or a rational Christian. 
 
 You must, my wortliy Mr Out-and-in, you 
 must indeed, declare that man having received 
 no damage at all by the fall of Adam, and 
 coming into the world in perfect innocence, is 
 capable of having a righteousness of his own, 
 which will justify him before an infinitely holy 
 God. " Ay but Mr Rationalis, said he, how 
 shall I manage in this, seeing there are so 
 many plain passages of scripture which con- 
 tradict me ?" Do my good friend ! You must 
 not mind that, if you intend to be a rational 
 preacher. You must shew yourself a man, 
 and leap over them, as many have done be- 
 fore you. Imitate the zealous Dr Priestley, 
 and like him tell your hearers, that the scrip- 
 tures do not mean what they say*. What 
 men of reason would regard a i'ew adverse 
 texts of scripture, when the dignity of hu- 
 man nature is the subject in question ? 
 
 For your encouragement, permit me to as- 
 sure you, that, however adverse the scriptures 
 may be to your rational doctrine, the populace 
 will be very propitious. 
 
 You can never please men so well as by 
 clapping them on the shoulders, telling them 
 their hearts are good, that they need not doubt 
 of getting safe to licaven, vrhether they believe 
 in the Son of God or not. And 1 engage, sir, 
 
 * Familiar illustration of certain texts, &C. 
 I ?> 
 
150 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 your auditory will caress you for the sake of 
 your pleasing doctrine. 
 
 4. As to tlie Holy Ghost, I would not have 
 you absolutely refrain from mentioning him, 
 and his assisting influence, because your people 
 read of him in your church liturgy so very 
 often. But be sure roundly to assert, that it is 
 mere enthusiasm for a man to expect to receive 
 the Holy Ghost in these days ; and let them 
 5?olve the difficulty, how the thoughts of a 
 man's heart can be cleansed by the inspiration 
 of the Holy Ghost, v»^hom they cannot receive, 
 as they shall find opportunity. It seem? .1 
 proved as a kind of remembrancer here, for 
 he stopped me short and said. " Let me seu 
 
 1 think I should remember something 
 
 about the Holy Ghost somewhere Kuni 
 
 -^— if I mistake not, it was relating to the 
 cBce of ordination." 
 
 Yes sir, said I, it was ; you only professed 
 to my lord bishop, that you were moved by 
 the Holy Ghost to take upon you the office of 
 a deacpn. That was all, sir. He replied *' I 
 believe it was some such thing. But. pray, 
 ?jr, was it rational in me so to do, seeing I did 
 not then believe that any man receives the 
 moving influences of the Holy Ghost in these 
 times?" Surely, said I, it v.as. You know, 
 sir, no man can get a benefice without it in 
 your way, and I pray you, who would not do 
 as much as that for a good living ? Why should 
 you have any scruple of conscience, seeing you 
 iiave get some hundreds a year by it ? I know 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS* IJl 
 
 many, very many, who did the same, sir, who 
 can hardly procure thh'ty pounds per annum. 
 On my word you sold your conscience well. 
 But for those sons of science, they foolishly 
 threw theirs away without the prospect of any 
 comfortable return. I assure you, a journej^- 
 man weaver can afford a better table than ma- 
 ny a clergyman of the rank of curate. 
 
 5. Once more ; as the works of the Saviour 
 of mankind must not be wholly omitted ; 
 should you be asked, What Jesus did for his 
 people? You must answer, as it were in a rap- 
 ture : " Oh ! he hath done great things for us. 
 He descended from the heavenly glories, and 
 assumed our nature. He hath abrogated the 
 severity of the old, and introduced a new and 
 milder law; lived agreeable to the precepts of 
 it himself, and when his instructions were 
 finished, he confirmed us in his ways, and 
 sealed the truth of his doctrine with his own 
 precious blood." Thus my friend, you may, 
 by good management, if grace prevent not, 
 deceive the very elect. Tears of thankfulness 
 trickled down the old gentleman's beard ; he 
 gave me most hearty thanks, and protested 
 that no instructions could be more agreeable 
 to the dictates of his own reason. 
 
 Fast. I can tell you brother, your advice 
 was not in vain ; but has been invariably fol- 
 lowed, so that this rational religion is now 
 very little injurious to our interest. 
 
 Infid. It is very moderate, sir, and may 
 well be tolerated even by our governors them- 
 
1,52' DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 selves. It has not the least affinity with the 
 doctrine of the cross ; which is justly the ab- 
 horrence of every partizan of ours, as v/ill ap- 
 pear from the creed m hich I composed, and 
 put into the hands of my friend Mv Out-and- 
 in ; which if agreeable I shall recite. 
 
 Dis. I pray you, sir, let us have the creed. 
 It may afford matter of entertainment to have 
 the creed, of the enemies of all creeds and 
 confessions. 
 
 In FID. Not enemies to all creeds, cousin ; 
 only to those creeds which they deem ortho- 
 dox ; those which debase the sinner, exalt the 
 Saviour, and thwart the views of human arro- 
 gance. But they are very fond of such creeds 
 as tickle prond nature, eclipse the sovereignty 
 of grace, and debase the Saviour, as insuffi- 
 cient of himself to save to the uttermost those 
 that come to God by him : as you will see in 
 the following. 
 
 " I believe in the great God, the Father and 
 fountain of Deity, as an absolute and supreme 
 being, eternal, immortal, invisible, omnipre- 
 sent, all-powerful, the Creator, Supporter, and 
 Governor of all worlds. I believe in ano- 
 ther God, who is not eternal in his existence, 
 not omnipresent in his essence ; not omnipo- 
 tent, but entirely dependent on the great God 
 for his very existence ; not supreme over all, 
 as Paul the fanatic thought, but subject in all 
 things to him that made him ; not immortal, 
 but actually died about seventeen hundred 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 153 
 
 years ago, for purposes afterwards to be men- 
 tioned. I farther believe, concerning this 
 second God, that he was created, as the fa- 
 mous Whiston says, by the great God in an 
 ineffable manner, before the foundation of the 
 world, far above all angels, and appointed to 
 be the minister of the wrath and mercy of the 
 Creator. I believe in a third God, called th« 
 Holy Ghost, created by the second God, or 
 suffragan of the supreme Deity, and that there- 
 fore he may properly be called the grandson of 
 
 the great God." 
 
 *' I beg your pardon, said Mr Out-and-in, 
 interrupting me, it would be more rational 
 still, to ascribe no deity whatever to the Son of 
 God." 
 
 O sir, replied I, we shall fit you in that in 
 the most agreeable mr.nner ; then to the article 
 of faith in the great God, add, <' I believe in 
 Jesus Christ as a mere man like ourselves, yet 
 pious and holy. A man sent of God, as a great 
 teacher, whose business in life was to introduce 
 a new mild law, commonly called the gospel ; 
 because God had altered his mind respecting 
 the salvation of mankind, since his giving of 
 the old law, which upon examination, and 
 long experience, was found to be too strict and 
 severe, consequently unjust and fit for abolition. 
 Wherefore he raised up this same Jesus Christ, 
 a man like oui*selves, and sent him to correct 
 the errors which infinite wisdom had fallen 
 into, in giving what we call tlic moral law. I 
 
154 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 believe, that vvlien lie obtained a perfect cor- 
 tect copy, he taught it to mankiiicf, and called 
 it the nevv' law, or the gospel. 1 believe that 
 this good man actually did make such correc- 
 tions, alterations, and amendments in the 
 moral law, as he saw meet, notwithstanding he 
 positively declared, that " although heaven 
 and earth should both pass away, not one jot 
 or tilde of the old law should foil, i.e. be super- 
 ceded by any other law whatever, i believe 
 that Jesus Christ, this good man like ourselves, 
 liaving rendered the old law a perfect system, 
 and having taught it in its purified state, died 
 to confirm the truth of his doctrine, just as 
 Cranmer and other good men have done since 
 then, I believe farther, that he continued un- 
 der the power of death for thiee days and then 
 was raised from the dead, to shew that he was 
 no impostor, but was actually commissioned 
 to amend the old law, which, prior to his cor- 
 rection, was neither holy, just, nor good, as the 
 mistaken apostle thought it to be. Farther still, 
 I believe that in his exalted state he is, as good 
 Dr Priestley observes, only a man like our- 
 selves, notwithstanding the orthodox ignorantly 
 worship hi)n as Immanuel, God with them ; 
 God manifested in the flesh; the true God 
 and eternal life ; the Alpha and Omega ; the 
 first and the last, and I know not what enthu- 
 siastic titles, such as that book called the Bible 
 ascribe to Jesus of Nazareth. 
 
 Concerning the original state of man, I be- 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 155 
 
 lieve, that Adam did not beget his children in 
 the likeness which he himself bore, at the time 
 of their being begotten, but in the likeness 
 which he bore before he had sinned ; that al- 
 though the fountain became polluted, the 
 streams continue pure and limpid ; and al- 
 though the root was depraved by transgression, 
 the branches and fruit are holy and innocent. 
 So that there is no such thing as original sin 
 in any sense ; nor have the posterity of Adam 
 any share in the guilt of his tr ansgression*;. 
 And whereas the death of infants is frequently 
 alleged by fanatics, and orthodox Christians as 
 a proof of original sin. I do most rationally 
 believe concerning those that die in infancy, 
 that either God in an arbitrary unjust manner 
 murders them without cause ; or that their 
 death is occasioned by some sin of their own, 
 committed either whilst they were in the 
 womb, or before they had being ; for no man 
 can die for the sins of another, says your 
 oracle, and yet it is clear that infants do die» 
 iNIoreover, I believe that every manis possest 
 of power, to justify himself by the deeds of the 
 law, and to procure salvation by his own will- 
 ing and running, contrary to the opinion of 
 Paul, and the rest of the orthodox ; that sal- 
 vation is obtained by works of righteousness of 
 our own performing, and not by the obedience 
 and death of any other person whatever ; that 
 the glory of our salvation shall redound to the 
 absolute mercy of God, aad oni: own good ea- 
 
156 DiAi<oGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 doavours to obtain it ; and not unto Christ, 
 whom tlie orthodox enthusiastically say, has 
 loved them, and washed them in his blood, 
 by which he has redeemed them to God out of 
 every nation, kindred, people, tongue and lan^ 
 fljuaire." 
 
 This creed being cordially received by my vo- 
 taries, I laughed in my sleeve, and said, A fig 
 for you all my enemies ; Goodwin, Charnock, 
 Owen and Crisp, &:c. &c, where are you 
 now? A fig for all your snarlings at my prin- 
 ciples ! Lift up your heads from the dusty pil- 
 lows, and listen whilst your own descendants, 
 ye puritans, with all the force of eloquence 
 plead the cause of great Infidelis. 
 
 Imp. Honored father, I admire your sub- 
 tilty, and almost adore your craftiness, who 
 would have thought, when we heard the old 
 puritans, raving against unbelief and prophane- 
 ness, that in such a short time their descendants 
 would have forsaken the principles of their pro- 
 genitors. But I give you joy my sire, your ope- 
 rations have lacked no advantageous success. 
 
 Inf. You are very obliging, my son ! But 
 I perceive you are not aware of all the glory 
 of this conquest. Perhaps my friends would 
 think it strange, if I should tell them, that by 
 this device, I have again introduced into 
 Britain, as gross Idolatry as ever was preached 
 by the ancient Druids, as ever was known at 
 Rome or Athens ; and that British divines 
 have arrived at an higher degree of heathenism 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. * 157 
 
 than ever was known in the celebrated pan- 
 theon. 
 
 Imp. Nay then, my bewildering parent ; 
 out with it, and explain yourself. What ido- 
 latry again in Britain ? Happy stars ! 
 
 Inf. Hold, son Restrain yourself I 
 
 say. — Dp not you remember the charge I gave 
 you Impiator, \>'hen I sent forth my several 
 worthies to sound my sleep-giving trumpet. 
 
 Imp. I can remember nothing at present so 
 great is my joy 1 O idolatry ? How glad am I 
 that the Britons have again embraced thee ? 
 
 IxF. This, son, was my charge, and I desire 
 j'ou will remember it. Take care said I, 
 Impiator, take care what you do. It is a mat- 
 ter of great importance tQOur infernal interest, 
 to which a blunder of yours might on this oc- 
 casion be very injurious. These men are gone 
 forth upon my business; with commissionfrom 
 me, your father, to counteract apreached gos- 
 pel, and as much as maybe to sap its foundation 
 doctrines. Now my son, in order to be useful 
 to me, it is highly necessary they should bear 
 the appearance of the strictest sanctity, and be 
 not any wise defective in tithing annise, mint, 
 and cummin, or how can they impose the cheat 
 upon mankind with success? Whereas, the ap- 
 pearance of devotion and sanctity, will give 
 energy to their arguments, and greatly recom- 
 mend their doctrine ; there is no beating it out 
 of the heads, even of the most ignorant, that 
 
 VOL. II. K 
 
158 DIALOGUES [dial. 16- 
 
 there is such a thing as devotion and sanctity, 
 inseparably connected with religion. 
 
 Now my son, thou art but a purblind devil, 
 and at best precipitate, therefore thou mayest 
 overturn my well concerted scheme. I charge 
 thee, therefore, Impiator, as thou wishest well 
 to our male-administration, that thou shalt 
 refrain from tempting these men into any of 
 thine openly, notorious ways, and to leave 
 them entirely to my government : for they 
 cannot miscarry whilst I have the pleasure of 
 reigning in their hearts. 
 
 Fast. A very necessary caution, and ought 
 to be regarded. 
 
 Imp. I remember it 'very well, and have hi- 
 therto acted accordingly ; notwithstanding I 
 would rather allure every person to take up his 
 dwelling in some part of ray dominions. But 
 sir, I never knew that your rational divines 
 were properly idolaters. 
 
 Inf. Do you consider then. They tell their 
 hearers, that Immanuel is no more than a dig- 
 nified creature, who has no personal claim to 
 the essential properties of true and absolute di- 
 vinity, notwithstanding many of them pay di- 
 vine honors to his name. Now, my son, the 
 worship of a creature how dignified so ever, 
 is by all allowed to be mere idolatry. 
 
 Fast. They deny the charge of idolatry, 
 brother, by alleging, that they- offer to Im- 
 manuel, only an inferior worship suited to the 
 inferiority of his person as a created being. 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. lo9 
 
 Inf. The very thing, in which their idola- 
 try consists, and is on a level with that of the 
 antient pagans. It was an inferior kind of ado- 
 ration, which the ancients paid to their heroes 
 and common Deities, in comparison of that, 
 which they offered to Jupiter their great God, 
 the supposed king and father of all the rest. 
 Mars and Mercury for instance, were never con- 
 sidered as supreme, but as acting under the di- 
 rection and delegation of Jupiter; as such, and 
 such only they were adored and worshipped; 
 so that to distinguish between the worship of 
 the father, as supreme^ and that of his son, as 
 inferior and subordinate, instead of excul- 
 pating them from the charge of idolatry, doth 
 actually enforce it. 
 
 Fast. But to clear themselves from the 
 charge of idolatry they allege farther, sir, the 
 command of God himself, for their worship- 
 ping the son notwithstanding his inferiority 
 The great God say they, hath given command 
 that all the angels of God should worship him, 
 and that all men should honor him ; shall 
 then our obedience draw upon us the reproach 
 of idolatry ? 
 
 Inf. So they say. But if they knew the 
 scriptures, only half as well as you and me, 
 who have laboured all our days to cloud their 
 evidence, they would see that these commands, 
 instead of exculpating them from, do actually 
 bring home the charge of idolatry upon them. 
 God hath expressly commanded, that. " Man- 
 K 2 
 
160 PJ.AL0GUE5 [dial. 16. 
 
 kind shall have rio other Gods before him," 
 as objects of reh'gious adoration, either by of- 
 fice or otherwise. And he would hardly have 
 himself introduced another, of a different na- 
 ture, and commanded, all men to worship 
 him ; seeing in this case, one command would 
 have clashed with the other. This would 
 have been the spring of wild confusion, and 
 everlasting uncertainty ; for the two com- 
 mands being diametrically opposite, no man 
 could ever have known which of the two might 
 be obeyed with safety. 
 
 Would we but suffer them to reflect upon 
 the divine commands, they must unavoidably 
 see, that their worshipping of the Son of God, 
 as merely delegated, with an inferior kind of 
 worship, is absolute idolatry. When the first 
 begotten was brought into the M'orld it was 
 said, "Let all the angels of God worship 
 him," which they accordingly did at his birth. 
 When he revealed himself to Israel, the Fa- 
 ther gave command, that, " All men ghould 
 honor the Son, even as they honored the 
 Father." That is with the self-same honor, 
 as is paid to the Father, on the foundation of 
 his being one (in essence) with the Father, 
 Whereas had the Father ordained divine ho- 
 nors, to be paid to any being of a different es- 
 sence from himself, he would not only have 
 overturned the first commandment, " Thou 
 ishalt'haveno other Gods before me," but 
 liave given his glory to another, contrary to 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 161 
 
 his own express declaration. I would not 
 therefore have those sons of superior reason 
 think it, at all strange, if at last they shall find 
 themselves ranked with idolaters. 
 
 Imp. But, father, if I mistake not, you said, 
 that with them, paganism is brought to as 
 great perfection as ever it arrived at, in the 
 Roman pantheon. How is that, sir ? Seeing 
 they are rational Christians ? 
 
 Inf. Yes, my son, they call themselves ra- 
 tional Christians, because they believe and 
 teach, " That the world by wisdom may know 
 the Almighty," and adorn their harangues 
 with words, which mens wisdom teacheth ; 
 but they are pagans, notwithstanding, as will 
 appear when you consider, that they worship 
 more Gods than one. Avians and Socinians 
 both agree to worship one, whom they say 
 is truly and essentiall)' God, and the king and 
 Father of the other Deities. Besides this ob- 
 ject of supreme adoration they have other ttvo, 
 the Son, and the Holy Ghost, whom they ho- 
 nor with inferior adoration, jiTst as the ancients 
 did the common Deities. I suppose, gentle- 
 men, you will allow that the worship of two 
 or three objects of difterent ranks, is as real 
 paganism, as the worship of so many hundreds ; 
 but I choose to distinguish the moderns from 
 others, by the name of Christian pagans, be- 
 cause they allow Jesus Christ to be one of their 
 secondary Deities. 1 am greatly obliged to 
 you, my bfother Fastosns, for your assistance 
 K 3 
 
162 DIALOGUES [dial. 16.- 
 
 so kindly given, to enable me to accomplish 
 my purposes ; without it I could not have 
 brought my affairs to their present happy si- 
 tuation. 
 
 Fast. No brother, you could not; but you 
 are at all times welcome to my assistance, in 
 counteracting the simplicity of gospel truth. 
 I myself should greatly suffer were the Arians 
 and Socinians to discover what part we have 
 iii their rational religion ; and I am not with- 
 out my fears that the incapacity of the 
 preachers for making proselytes, the dwindling 
 away of their congregations, and the contempt 
 in which they are in general held, will in time 
 convince them, " That the world by wisdom 
 knew not God," and so bring them to change 
 their present sj'^stem of rational religion for that 
 of the cross of Jesus, which is truly rational, 
 and ennobles every reasoning power of the 
 human soul. 
 
 Imp. Ah, my sire ! What a subtile spirit 
 are you ? With what laudable craftiness must 
 j^ou have acted, to succeed in introducing pa- 
 gan idolatry amongst modern divines, even 
 amongst protestant dissenters. I have long 
 known, that the papists are pagans in disguise, 
 but had no thought of rational Christians being 
 so far in alliance with us. 
 
 Disc. Pagans in disguise, cousin ! What do 
 you mean ? There is no mystery at all in your 
 father's doctrine; nor is there much difference 
 between the antient pagans, and modern pa- 
 
IJIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 163 
 
 pists. The principal difference is this. The 
 popish Juno, whom they call the mother of 
 God, is far greater in power, and more exalted 
 in glory, than the wife of Jupiter the pagan 
 deity. The pagan Juno, acted in all things 
 subordinate to the will of her husband, the 
 king and father of the gods, who bore absolute 
 sway over the heavenly synod : but the popish 
 Jupiter, acts in subordination to the will of his 
 virgin mother. He rules the creation indeed ; 
 but then he is stiH subject to maternal direc- 
 tion ; so that it is not God the saviour of sin- 
 ners, but the virgin Mary, the popish Juno, 
 who possesses absolute sovereignty ; and what 
 good they expect at the hand of God, is ex- 
 pected as to be done in obedience to his vir- 
 gin mother. 
 
 In all other things, there is little or no dis- 
 parity between the ancient and modern pan- 
 theon worship. The pagans worshipped an- 
 gels, whom they called gods, the papists wor- 
 ship them aiso, knowing them to be creatures. 
 The first had their heroes and heroines whom 
 they adored under the name of demigods; the 
 latter also have their heroes and heroines, 
 whom they worship under the name of saints. 
 The antients had their ambiguous oracles and 
 lying wonders, and the moderns have both, in 
 far greater abundance ; so that he must be 
 blind indeed, who does not see amongst them 
 undisguised paganism. 
 
 Imp. Then it must follow that, the papists 
 K 4 
 
164 DIALOGUES [dI.%L. 16* 
 
 are greater friends to ray father tiifidelis, than 
 the Arians and Socinians, because these bear 
 something of the appearance of truth ; but 
 those have cast off both truth and its appear- 
 ance. 
 
 Inf. That is your wisdom again my son. 
 Impiator would make but a blundering minis- 
 ter of state in my court, gentlemen. But my 
 son, you may know, it is with us a maxim of 
 policy, that *' Whoever comes nearest the 
 truth, and is notwithstanding destitute of it, 
 is always capable of doing the most essential 
 service to my interest." Popish paganism is 
 by far too barefaced to succeed in England, 
 where its absurdities have been so long de- 
 tected. English protestants will not worship 
 a god of the bakers making, whilst their women 
 retain the art of making good plumb pudding, 
 which will at any time be preferred to the sacra- 
 mental wafer. But Afian and Socinian pa- 
 ganism is so subtilly invented, and so well re- 
 lined, that it passeth with many for rational 
 Christianity. 
 
 Imp. I find sir, yoii are under necessity as 
 well as myself to act wisely, with craft and 
 cunning, finding that the same device will not 
 with ail people, at all times succeed alike. 
 We may sometimes, to some people, appear 
 in our own infernal likeness, and at other times 
 we are fain to put on a deep disguise in order 
 to accomplish our designs. But no matter how, 
 so that we have them safe at last. However, 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 165 
 
 gentlemen, there being such a prospect of 
 plenty, I begin to fear there will scarcely be 
 room left in hell for us devils. 
 
 Inf. Another stroke of my son's wit. It 
 is well Impiator, that your business is to tyran- 
 nize only over the thoughtless part of the hu- 
 man race, or you would be but of little service 
 to 30ur fraternity. But have you never heardj, 
 that Tophet is wide and large, without either 
 brim or bottom ? There is no fear of v/anting 
 room. Besides, wherever the fiends may 
 happen to be, they are always at home, being 
 sure to carry their hell along with them. 
 
 Fast. I have somewhere seen a map of that 
 part of your dominions, brother, where the 
 idolaters dwell ; if you have got one about 
 vou, I should be glad to liave a description 
 of it. 
 
 Infid. I have sir, and am glad it is in my 
 power to gratify ray much honored brother. 
 
 You see sir, it is divided into two grand 
 
 provinces, each inhabited by different sects ef 
 idol-worshippers. That province on the left 
 contains the various sects of civil idolaters, 
 and this on the right contains the many de- 
 nominations of their elder brethren, the reli- 
 gious idolaters. And I assure you, they are 
 two bodies of people very respectable. 
 
 The province which contains the civil ido- 
 laters, is divided into several counties, all of 
 which are very populous. In the first county 
 live the worshippers of vain pleasure, and thi^ 
 K 5 
 
lS6 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 Ijounty is divided into several regalities, in 
 wliich the several sects or denominations of 
 idolaters dwell, according to the diversity of 
 their inclinations. The first regality is ap- 
 pointed to the worshippers of living creatures. 
 This swarms with Jockies, and gamblers of the 
 turf, both of noble and ignoble extraction. A- 
 long with them live the worshippers of foxes, 
 hares, and hounds, a very jolly race I assure 
 you, well skilled in the literature of the kennel. 
 But it is better to be a slave in a Turkish gal- 
 ley, than held as a divinity in this regality, 
 for adoration never fails to procure torture to 
 the idol ; as the panting of the hare, and the 
 well-ploughed sides of the horse sufficiently de- 
 monstrate. A little nook of this regality is 
 by royal mandate made over to sterile wives and 
 maiden ladies, who for want of more agreeable 
 objects of adoration, worship monkies, parrots, 
 and lap-dogs. The second regality is the ha- 
 bitation of those who worship the dramatic 
 poets, and their apes the players. At the 
 shrines of those idols, the worshippers sacrifice 
 Jiealth and virtue, under pretence of learning > 
 wisdom. They are a very fashionable and 
 honored people, with whom legislators and 
 guardians of public virtue are not ashamed to 
 associate. Here yon may find legislators pa- 
 triotically sacrificing their own virtue, in order 
 to protect that of the nation ; their own 
 estates, in order to assist in public economy ; 
 and faithlessly wasting their own time, in pr^ 
 
©lAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 167 
 
 der to teach industry to the inferior ranks of 
 subjects. 
 
 In the second county, you will find all the 
 worshippers of false honor ; a set of gentry 
 extremely divided in their sentiments reJative 
 to the object of their adoration. One holy 
 father falls down prostrate, like Cardinal Wol- 
 sey, before the triple crown and pontifical 
 dignity. A second is equally devout at the 
 shrine of a cardinal's hat ; and a third, less 
 aspiring, pays his devotions to a bishop's mitre 
 or prelatic robes, and the highest of his present 
 ambition is a bishoprick. Other reverend gen- 
 tlemen offer a more humble worship to a dean- 
 ry, prebend, or vicarage. 
 
 It is very observable, that in this county peo- 
 ple never worship that to which they have al- 
 ready attained ; but having compassed their 
 purpose, burn incense to the idol next in rank, 
 and thus the worshipper goes on, if death and 
 disappointment do not prevent him, till he has 
 worshipped every shrine in the pantheon.^ 
 
 For instance, whilst a curate, a vicarage is 
 the idol ; the vicarage obtained, it gives place 
 to a prebend or deaqry ; which once enjoyed, 
 they also in their turn give place to a bishoprick: 
 that to an archbishoprlck, which is the princi- 
 pal idol of the English. But in other countries 
 there are idols of superior rank, so that the 
 moment an archbislioprick is obtained, incense 
 smokes to a cardinal's hat ; which also obtain- 
 <5d, loses its worshipper, who is now convert" 
 k6 
 
168 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 ed to the worship of the triple crown, the 
 great god and father of all the other idols. 
 
 Nor are the laity less devout than their 
 reverend brethren, for one man worships uni- 
 versal empire, like Lewis of France and some 
 others ; but it is said that George of Britain is 
 an apostate from this religion. Another wor- 
 ships a crown and sceptre, like the descendant 
 of a certain bricklayer ; and many adore the 
 place of prime minister, chancellor of the 
 kingdom, first lord of the treasury, with every 
 other place of honor and trust in government. 
 Some you shall see fall prostrate before a star 
 and garter, whilst others are all obedience to 
 a coronet. The husband lies in the dust be- 
 fore *' his honor," whilst his wife in raptures^ 
 adores " her ladyship." His lordship is bend- 
 ed to by one, and another pays all his devo- 
 tion to his grace. 
 
 In this country, you may find some men 
 religious enough to worship a corporal's knot, 
 or a Serjeant's halberd. Some worship aa 
 ensign's sash, others a lieutenant's commis- 
 sion, whilst the captain is absolutely as much 
 devoted to a regiment, as his colonel is to a 
 marshal's staii. 
 
 The third country is the dwelling of those 
 who worship their own bodies, than which, I 
 presume there is not a more ravenous idol in 
 the synod. Around the shrine of this god, 
 stand the baker, brewer, pastry-cook, con- 
 fectioner, distiller, weaver, and male and fe- 
 
DIAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 169 
 
 male taylors. Hard by are a constellation of 
 the softer sex prostrate before an Indian shrub, 
 the leaves of which are in great veneration. 
 At no great distance, are a cloud of worship- 
 pers of Virginia tobacco ; they are divided in- 
 to no less than four different sects. The first 
 of whom worship the tobacco in the neat leaf 
 cut small, or well rolled together. The second 
 worship it, after it is well ground into flour. 
 The third put it through the fire to the dear 
 sensation. And the fourth are of such a ca- 
 tholic disposition, that they worship the dearly 
 beloved tobacco in all its forms. Of this sect 
 the Listener professes himself. 
 
 The belly is worshipped by many, as the 
 principal god, and so profnse are they in their 
 offerings, that its altar is sometimes almost 
 overturned, and the idol greedy as it is, is un- 
 able to bear the fruits of their devotion. The 
 sect of gluttons, a very devout race, ransack 
 both earth and sea to bring plenty of offerings 
 to the idol ; and that of drunkards, in no less 
 devotion, pour on the wines in such profusion, 
 that all the surrounding trenches are gorged 
 to the brim. This same idol, differs exceed- 
 ingly from most other objects of idolatrous 
 worship; for when it has swelled to excess in 
 the drink offering, it invites the brain to share 
 in the feast, to which it presents every vapour- 
 ish effluvia, whilst it reserves for its own use 
 only the parts excrementitious. Moreover, 
 this same belly is apt to resent the prcfusioa 
 
170 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. 
 
 of its worshippers, and sends forth the bluest 
 plagues, most chilling agues, burning, putrid 
 and malignant fevers, with all manner of acute 
 and chronical distempers amongst the worship- 
 pers, and thus provides employment for gentle- 
 men of the faculty; whose business, positively 
 would be worse than that of a cobler, but for 
 the religion of belly worshipping. 
 
 In the fourth county dwell the worshippers 
 of gold and large possessions, some of whom 
 you shall find lying prostrate in the deepest 
 devotion to a fine well situated house and gar- 
 den ; others worshipping a fertile estate and 
 well stored barns, a fiock of fleecy sheep, or an 
 herd of fattening bullocks. One man adores 
 the brace of nags which hurl him from place 
 to place, whilst his friend is prostrate before a 
 splendid retinue. Moidores as well as English 
 coin is a splendid idol, and attracts the atten- 
 tion of man}'^, whilst some adore a coalpit, or a 
 mine of leaden ore. 
 
 Had I time, I would give you a more full 
 ■account of the religious idolaters; but as busi- 
 ness is urgent, I shall only touch upon some of. 
 their gods. The greatest of M'hich is his holi- 
 ness the present pope, who dispenseth blessing 
 and cursing, casteth down and exalteth at his 
 pleasure. This god who is exalted above all 
 that is called god, issueth dispensations and 
 pardons, for money and price, contrary to the 
 manner of the God of heaven. The one par- 
 4lons and gives salvation freely of grace, but 
 
felAL. 16.] OF DEVILS. 171 
 
 the other sells his pardons as dear as he can. 
 Next to his holiness, on the right hand, stands 
 the popish Juno, or virgin Mary, whose power- 
 ful command of the God of nature is greatly 
 adored by every zealous papist. On the left 
 hand stands a Jesus Christ of wood, whom the 
 papists also highly revere ; for they are almost 
 to distraction fond of wooden Deities. Some 
 indeed have a Jesus Christ made of gold or 
 silver, and others more lowly, worship a paper 
 Saviour; but the most humble devotion is paid 
 to the gods Vv^hich the baker makes. These 
 are the most ravenous idolaters in the whole 
 world, for with the greatest eagerness, and 
 devout veneration they eat the object of their 
 adoration. Thousands of these breaden gods 
 are devoured annually, and as soon as devour- 
 ed, they are replaced by others from the sacred 
 ovens. The people, worship, and service of 
 the true Jesus of Nazareth they abhor and 
 persecute, with as much fury as ever their an- 
 cestors the Romish pagans did. But if their 
 own goldsmiths, carvers, or statuaries happen 
 to produce a handsome Jesus Christ, or a 
 mother of God, the country will presently 
 wonder after it in the most profound adora- 
 tion. 
 
 Fast. I have sometimes thought, brother, 
 that the popish religion is the religion of 
 Molech inverted. That voracious idol was 
 used to devoup the children of his worshippers; 
 
172 DIALOGUES [dial. 16. . 
 
 but here the greedy worshippers devour their 
 god after he is well baked in an oven. 
 
 Inf. The antient pagans were even foolish 
 enough, in giving their children to that greedy 
 devil, Molech; and the papists are not much 
 wiser in worshipping the works of the artificer, 
 or believing that they can eat their maker. 
 Here are likewise the greatest variety of ve- 
 nerable relics, such as St. Peter's beard, the 
 ear of St. Francis, the milk of the virgin, with 
 a thousand fooleries besides, all of which are 
 in some sense deified. 
 
 Besides these already mentioned, there 
 dwell in this province, all who worship their 
 ancestors, which renders the country very 
 populous, I mean those who hold the canons, 
 confessions, and liturgies composed by their 
 ancestors, to be nearly equal to the scriptures 
 in authenticity. Likewise those who are of 
 this or that persuasion merely, because it was 
 the faith of their progenitors, without giving 
 themselves the trouble of searching the scrip- 
 ture to know the truth of the doctrine. 'Tis 
 also here that the worshippers of the sacerdotal 
 livery dwell. I mean those who venerate a 
 man merely for the sake of his gown and 
 cassock, without inquiring whether his doc- 
 trine and conversation render him venerable. 
 
 But 1 should tire your patience, was I to 
 give you a minute description of my vastly ex- 
 tended country, as well as lead you to imitate 
 
DIAL. 16.'] OF DEVILS* 173 
 
 the sloth of the children of men. I shall there- 
 fore beg leave here to desist. At the usual 
 time I will meet you, business calls me hence 
 at present. 
 
DIALOGUE XVII. 
 
 IPrivy to tlieir appointment, T made busi- 
 hess give way to curiosity, and I was as punc-; 
 tual in my attendance as they were in theirs. 
 At the time before agreed to, they assembled, 
 resumed their seats, and Fastosus thus began. 
 
 Fast. It is true, sir, your son Avaro, hath 
 greatly exceeded my expectations, and proves 
 fiimself to be an expert devil ; he will, I think, 
 do honor to the name of Infidelis, and may 
 greatly contribute to the flourishing estate of 
 the kingdom of pride. I should' be glad if 
 Avaro might now a little enlarge upon the 
 liints he has already given, that we may fur- 
 ther see the prosperity of our general interest. 
 
 Disc. That will be very grateful to me, 
 Cousin Avaro, as your sordid and griping influ- 
 ences, have the most happy effect upon the 
 reign of contention. How have I been de- 
 lighted, when one of your slaves has dropt in- 
 to the grave leaving behind him vast possessions, 
 by the discord I have sown amongst his chil- 
 dren and kinsfolks. Your slaves dare not think 
 of dying and entering into another world, 
 therefore it sometimes happens, that after the 
 muckworm has been by every means, and 
 every kind of rapine, scraping wealth together 
 
DIAL. 17.] DIALOGUES, d'C. 175 
 
 for many years, he drops into eternity with- 
 out leaving behind him any authentic direc- 
 tion how his phmder is to be disposed of. This 
 gives me a fair opportunity of setting his rela- 
 tions togethsr by the ears, about who shall 
 get most of the miser's effects to himself; and 
 I have the happiness frequently, of planting 
 irreconcilable enmity in the heart of one 
 brother and sister against another, which you 
 know is a comfortable sight to our infernal no- 
 bility. 
 
 Sometimes the griping miser, that enemy to 
 himself and all mankind, is over persuaded to 
 make his will, though secretly hoping, he 
 £hall not die for a great while yet to come ; 
 and then the case is very little altered : for 
 when the wretch goes to the place appointed 
 for the covetous, his will is very unsatisfactory 
 to some of his relations ; one has too much, 
 and the other has too little left him. Here, 
 disagreeable altercation succeeds the funeral 
 obsequies, and division and everlasting disgust 
 sums up the whole. Unless indeed, that re- 
 lation who has too little bequeathed to him, 
 should call in the gentlemen of the law to de- 
 cide the matter in some court of judicature, 
 and who, having fleeced both the fools as hand- 
 somely as the nature of the thing would admit 
 of, refer them at last to an arbitration. 
 
 I assure you, cousin, I scarcely ever see one 
 of your industrious slaves, but I flatter a hope 
 of having some employment in his family no 
 
176 DIALOGUES [dial. 17^ 
 
 his demise, nor do I know any other real use 
 that the miser's ill gotten money is of to st)- 
 ciety, besides sowing discord amoiigst friends 
 and relations. The wretch meanly robs his 
 own back and belly, as well as Tal he deals 
 with, to answer purposes no more valuable by 
 his having. But I prevent you, cousin. 
 
 Avar. I cannot easily depart from the tent 
 of the scarlet lady, whose name is mystic 
 Babylon, without making farther honorable 
 mention of her prudent children. The wise 
 disposal of purgatorial fire has been already 
 exemplified, aiid the dispensation and pardon 
 market has been glanced at ; but one way of* 
 getting money besides these I shall now in- 
 stance. I have laid my claim to the popish 
 clergy in general, but of them all, there are 
 none who exceed the worthy lords the inqui- 
 sitors in veneration of my golden image. This 
 religion of the golden image was first invent- 
 ed by the clergy of Babylon, and I assure you 
 to this day the clergy of Babylon invariably 
 follow it. But the inquisitors, of all others, 
 are the most zealous devotees of this goldeia 
 god, first set up by the parsons of Babylon. 
 
 Never did an eagle look out for a dove, nor 
 fen hawk for a sparrow, with greater vigilance 
 than their lordships are wont to look out for a 
 prey. If within their jurisdiction there hap- 
 pens to be a stranger, whose circumstances are 
 prosperous, and who is likely to be a good 
 bone for their reverences to pick ; it shall g© 
 
SIAL. 17,3 OF DEVILiS. 177 
 
 hard but they will provoke him, by some of 
 their emissaries, to say something against the 
 inquisitive tribunal, which in some countries 
 is deemed the unpardonable sin. No sooner 
 has the insinuating priest, by indirect means ob- 
 tained matter of accusation, but he makes in- 
 formation in the holy office, before the fathers, 
 who on hearing the blessed report, are as much 
 delighted as the wolf when he has fanged a 
 prey. The merchant is apprehended, his 
 estate confiscated; he is immured in the prison 
 cells till consumed, either by famine or ver- 
 min, otherwise he is tortured privately to 
 death by the hands of their sanctified ruffians. 
 
 One instance of the many, which I might 
 produce, shall serve to exemplify the equity of 
 the inquisitors. When Syracuse was in its 
 glory, there was one Bellarius, a foreign mer- 
 chant, who in the course of business had amass- 
 ed great riches ; and who, at the same time 
 was so circumspect in all his ways, that even 
 the eye of an emissary of the office, could find 
 nothing, of which to accuse him to the tribu- 
 nal. Thus he lived in reputation and affluence 
 for many years, to the great impatience of the 
 holy inquisitors, who could find no plausable 
 pretence, by which they might fang his sub- 
 stance with their rapacious talons. 
 
 Bellarius had an only child, a lady about 
 seventeen. Her person was the perfection of 
 symmetry, and her mind a copy of the purest 
 7irtue. By her they found means to accom- 
 
17S DIALOGUES [dial. 17- 
 
 plish their purposes, and bring complicated ruin 
 on the unhappy parent. The family retired 
 to peaceful repose, when one night alarmed 
 about one in the morning, first by the approach 
 of a coach, and then by a smart rapping at the 
 gate. Bellarius from within asked, " Who 
 is there?" Was answered, the "holy Inquisi- 
 tion ;" down stairs he run, flew to the gates in 
 obedience to the dread tribunal, and opened to 
 receive those ministers of darkness. Under- 
 standing they were come for his daughter, in 
 farther obedience to those leaders of the church, 
 he went himself up to her chamber, brought 
 her down trembling as she was, and delivered 
 her into the hands of the horrid ravishers, who 
 carried her off to the seraglio in the office of 
 Inquisition. Where for the present we leave 
 her, through fear of death seduced from her 
 virtue by those pretended patrons of religion, 
 and return to the unhappy disconsolate father. 
 
 Imp. Well, brother, 1 find then the priests 
 of Home are not so much addicted to eunuchry 
 as they pretend. 'Tis lawful it seems to ravish 
 virgins, however unlawful it may be to have a 
 married wife. I have often heard of the sera- 
 glio of princes, but not so often of the seraglio 
 of priests, and those priests too, who of all 
 others are the most zealous wonderers after the 
 seven headed beast. 
 
 Avar. Distressed and comfortless Bellarius 
 remained at home; forsook all company and 
 conversed only with the various cogitations of 
 
DIAL. 17.J OF DEVILS. 179 
 
 his own forboding mind. At one time he con- 
 jectured that his hapless daughter, in some in- 
 advertent moment, might have blasphemed 
 either the wooden virgin Mary or the great 
 high priest of Rome, or the holy inquisitors, in 
 which case he gave her up for lost, and doom- 
 ed her to fall a sacrifice. Yet could he scarce- 
 ly forgive the rigour of that religion, which 
 had in such a merciless manner ravished her 
 from his fond embrace. 
 
 It was not long after this an Armenian 
 merchant, said to be newly arrived in Syracuse, 
 called on him, under pretence of buying a 
 large assortment of goods. Generous and un- 
 suspecting Bellarius, bid him welcome to his 
 house during his stay ; which he after some 
 seemingly modest apologies thankfully accept- 
 ed. The pretended Armenian perceiving Bel- 
 larius to eat but little at supper, now and then 
 inadvertently to slip a sigh, took occasion to 
 rally him in a friendly manner, as if troubled 
 with the hyp', advised him to cheer up and 
 hope for better times. 
 
 Bellarius having but little relish for a jest, 
 seriously replied, " No, sir, the hyp' is not my 
 present disease, neitherhave my affairs in trade 
 taken an adverse turn ; and yet there is one 
 thing, which gives me great distress." The 
 friendly Armenian was now more importunate 
 to knov\' his grievance, that he might at least 
 sympathize with him in his affliction. Little 
 suspecting that he vras conflicting with priestly' 
 
180 DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 subtilty ; he thought he jnight safely lodge his 
 circumstances in a generous bosom of a mer- 
 chant ; he replied, sir, I suppose you are a 
 stranger in Syracuse ; as such let me advise 
 you, as you value your life and liberty, to be 
 careful of your words, and every part of your 
 deportment during yorr abode, for this is a 
 place of danger. I have sir, one only daugh- 
 ter, the perfect image of her lovely mother, 
 whom I had the misery to bury but a few 
 months ago.. I know not by what temptation ; 
 but my poor girl has said something dishonor- 
 able either of the lady of Loretto, his holiness 
 the pope, or their lordships the Inquisitors, for 
 vi^hich she is imprisoned in the holy oi|ice, ^nd 
 I suppose must answer it with her life. 
 
 Oh sir, I hope not, said the Armenian, the 
 lady's yojuth \vill interceed for her, and after 
 some gentle admonition, your daughter will be 
 returned to the house of her father. 
 
 Ah, sir ! rejoined disconsolate Bellarius, I 
 cannot but fear, that her yoyth and beauty, are 
 her greatest enemies and accusers. These are 
 qualities capable of impressing the heart even 
 of an inquisitor. If this is the case, my poor 
 daughter is already either dead or debauched. 
 Or should it happen, that any thing has been 
 alleged against her religious conduct, there are 
 instruments enough in the Inquisition, and their 
 lordships want not skill to use them ; instru- 
 ments sufficient to make an helpless virgin 
 confess that; which even pcvcr entered her 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 181 
 
 thoughts ; so that at all events, her death or 
 dishonor is ensured. No sir, it is not possi- 
 ble for me to hope for better, seeing the least 
 hint thrown out against the Inquisition, is con- 
 demned as unpardonable blasphemy. 
 
 It was not long after this discourse, before 
 the Armenian feigned a necessity of going out; 
 went streight to the Inquisition and made in- 
 formation, being a Jesuit disguised as a mer- 
 chant, and that very night a coach was sent to 
 conduct Bellarius to the cells of their dreadful 
 prison. Next day his effects were seized by or- 
 der of the holy fathers, who now rejoiced that 
 at last they had grasped the long wished for 
 prey. Confined in an abominable cell, he was 
 greatly annoyed by vermin ; and being divers 
 times examined by torture, he died with grief 
 for his daughter, who, as she could never freely 
 yield to the loathsome embrace of those mur- 
 derers, in a few months tired their patience. 
 Then one of their sanctified ruffians, first mur- 
 dered her, and then burned her to ashes in the 
 dry pan. It is amazing gentlemen, to what 
 lengths the lust of money and women will 
 carry men. 
 
 Fast, Indeed cousin, I think your friends 
 the inquisitors bid fair for equalling the most 
 subtil of our fraternity. Oh, what means of 
 procuring wealth, have you taught their rever- 
 ences of the Romish hierarchy ? Selling of dis- 
 pensations and pardons, begging of money for 
 masses, &c. <S:c. are profitable articles, and 
 
 VOL. II. L 
 
182 DIALOGUES [dial. 17- 
 
 turn to a good account. But if 1 remember 
 right you told me a few days since, your vas- 
 cals are divided into several companies, or 
 communities, and that people of all kingdoms, 
 ranks and professions, are at this day worship- 
 pers of the god Avaro. I should be glad to 
 hear something farther about them. 
 
 Avar. I did so, sir, and shall be ready far- 
 ther to oblige you, if to give you a brief view 
 of our corporation, which like all other towns 
 corporate, consists of divers companies, will do 
 it. The first of which is that of 
 
 The lawyers. A very wise set of gentle- 
 men; who exceed the children of light, in the 
 art of money-getting, as far as any of the in- 
 habitants of our territories; of course they are 
 held in great estimation, as gentlemen of the 
 first intelligence. In our city of Avarice there 
 is no knowledge deemed of any avail; no con- 
 duct accounted virtuous besides that of money- 
 getting. He is always, the wisest, best, and 
 most virtuous man who best succeeds in the 
 lucrative art, whether in lav/, or in trade, or 
 otherwise. There was a time you know, when 
 the law was as streight, as clear, as a beam of 
 iigl|t, and needed no expounding, so that every 
 man was his own counsellor. But ever since 
 the kings of England were kept prisoners un- 
 der a guard, lest truth should become familiar 
 to the royal ear, the case has been quite alter- 
 ed ; now it is so full of pleas and demurrers, 
 4oubts and exceptions, &c, that it is a perfect 
 
DIAL. 17.3 OF DEVILS. 183 
 
 labyrinth ; dangerous for an honest man to en- 
 ter. For in the lawyers company it is a stand- 
 ing rule, that, whether the plaintiff or defend- 
 ant lose the cause, the lawyers on both sides 
 are sure to be considerable gainers. Indeed, 
 it is very seldom, but they manage the matter 
 so, that all parties except themselves are losers, 
 and if he who gains the trial, finds himself in 
 the end to be a loser, how do you think it must 
 fare with the wretch, against whom the verdict 
 is given ? If an honest man has a mind to pur- 
 chase an estate ever so fairly, and pay for it 
 ever so honestly, he will find it a difficult mat- 
 ter, so to secure his title; but if any succeeding 
 heir be bred to the law, or heiress be married 
 to a lawyer, he may run a risk of being jostled 
 out of his property, by some knavish quirk in 
 law> without any allowance made either for the 
 estate or its improvements. 
 
 Ijideed sir, it may be said of my faithful 
 disciples, the lawyers, attornies, bailiifs, &c. 
 that they pay as little regard to truth as the 
 greatest of ourselves. Right and wrong, equity 
 and oppression, are no objects of their regard, 
 providing the case will yield good advantage, 
 and bring large grist to their mill ; an instance 
 of this if you please, gentlemen, I shall give 
 you. 
 
 Contumelius was a Yorkshire gentleman, 
 
 of distinguished birth and ample fortune, but 
 
 somewhat a-kin to the mad Macedonian. His 
 
 country-seat stood by the side of a lane, through 
 
 i. ^ 
 
i§4« DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 which neighbouring farmers passed u'ith their 
 teams for time immemorial. But so much 
 passing and repassing, of the whistling clowns 
 foljowing their waggons, at last proved very 
 offensive to the worshipful 'Squire, so that, he 
 resolved to reniove the intolerable nuisance by 
 blocking up the way. A gate was accordingly 
 put up, and fastened with a padlock, effectu- 
 ally to stop the clownish passengers from pass- 
 ing as before, and turn them by a way consider- 
 bly more distant. 
 
 As soon as the 'Squire's proceedings reach- 
 ed the ear of Mr Loveright, a neighbouring 
 farmer, he ordered his waggon to drive directly 
 to the gate, and finding it lock'd, took an axe, 
 which he had brought with him for that pur- 
 pose, and to the great mortification of 'Squire 
 Contumelius hewed it to pieces. His worship 
 in a rage, posted to Mr Deceitful, a very 
 eminent lawyer in the neighbouring town for 
 his advice. The worthy lawyer, finding this 
 a proper occasion of serving his own inserest, 
 iidvised the 'Squire to send for a writ, com- 
 mence an action againjit the farmer for his in- 
 tolerable insolence. In a few days the writ 
 was served on Loveright. who, mmiediately 
 waited on lawyer Deceitful, in order if possible 
 to compromise the matter. 
 
 He no sooner entered the office, than Mr 
 Deceitful took him aside and thus addressed 
 him, " I am heartily sorry my good Mr Love- 
 right, that I have been in a manner obliged by 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 185 
 
 his worship Contumelius, to send for a writ 
 against you. But I assure you, sir, in my 
 opinion your side of the question is by much 
 the safest, and might I advise you, it would be 
 to stand a trial, and by no means submit to a 
 compromise. Knowing the farmer to be a 
 man of substance and resolution, continued he, 
 there is no bearing with such insolent treat- 
 ment. For my own part Mr Loveriglit. I 
 would much rather you had been my client, 
 on the present occasion, than the giddy 'Squire, 
 but he first applied to me and insisted on my 
 doing what I have done. If you please you 
 may apply to my brother Falshood, who is 
 skilful as any man, and as honest as any lawyer 
 I know. In the mean while, sir, you may de- 
 pend on me as your real friend, ready to serve 
 you in every thing consistent with my reputa- 
 tion." 
 
 As soon as Loveright was departed, Mr 
 Deceitful took horse, and rode directly to the 
 'Squire's house ; told him the farmer had been 
 with him heartily repented of his folly, and 
 was very desirous of corair-g to terms of agree- 
 ment. But were the case mine, said he, I 
 would listen to no terms of accommodation, 
 but punish his insolence to the utmost rig^our 
 of law. The low life fellow, having got for- 
 ward in the world, has forgotten himself; and 
 if suffered now to escape with impunity, he 
 will be the pest of the neighbourhood. Thus 
 the worthv lawver irritated both parties, till 
 L 3 
 
186 DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 he had made sure of an assize hearing, that, in 
 the debate, he might likewise insure to himself 
 a sum very considerable. For he knew very 
 well, that if ever a difference falls into the in- 
 satiable maw of the court, it will never be dis- 
 gorged till all costs of suit are amply paid oft"; 
 for it is impossible for m.y mercenary scribblers 
 to give any credit. Let them act justly or un- 
 justly, they make sure of their fees ; ftnd as 
 the one party must necessarily lose, both coun- 
 sellor and attorney, take care to father the mis- 
 carriage of the cause, on something which the 
 client has done, which he ought not ; or omit- 
 ted, which he ought to have di-ne : and not- 
 withstanding all their fraud and deceit, both 
 of them come off good honest lawyers. The 
 
 II. Company, and next in reputation to that 
 of the lawyers, is the parson's company, which 
 is also very flourishing and reverend. That you 
 may not mistake my meaning ; by parsons I 
 intend all in general, of every denomination, 
 who are ministers merely for the sake of a 
 living ; more especially. 
 
 1. All who profess to my lord bishop, that 
 they are moved by the Holy Ghost, to take up- 
 on them the office of a deacon, when in reality 
 it is the hope of a benefice, by which they are 
 stimulated ; and who afterwards, in the course 
 of their pulpiteering, tell the people that it is 
 enthusiasm in any person, to expect to receive 
 the Holy Ghost in these days. 
 ' 2. All who, sustaining the sagerdotal cha- 
 
i>lAL. IT.] OF DEVILS. 187 
 
 racter, lead men into sin, or harden those who 
 are insensible, either by conniving at the sins 
 of their people, or by being guilty of the like 
 themselves. These gentlemen are pretty nu- 
 merous. 
 
 3. All who act rigorously towards their 
 parishioners, in regard to temporal things, who 
 evidently shew more concern about tithes and 
 offerings, than about the everlasting welfare 
 of their people. 
 
 4<. AH in holy orders who, through covetous- 
 ness, idleness, or ariy other unjustitiable cause, 
 with-hold from their people, the stated mini- 
 stration of the word and ordinances. Set a 
 mark upon them, for they are all my disciples. 
 5. Wherever you meet with a gentleman in 
 holy orders, who is so far above the bulk of his 
 auditor}^ that he -.viU not condescend to con- 
 verse even with the meanest, about the state 
 of his soul, the work of the spirit and way of sal- 
 vation, such are idol shepherds, unnatural pas- 
 tors, and altogether devoted to the god Avaro. 
 Imp. So then, cousin, I find you have par- 
 sons of more denominations than one; they are 
 not all engrossed by tlie established churches 
 in England and on the continent it seems. Yet 
 I meet with many who with great warmth 
 will vindicate their own denomination by 
 wholesale, and deem it little less than blasphe- 
 my, to suppose that they embrace any thing 
 erroneous. Yet none xuqvq ready to c^];isure> 
 
188 DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 and condemn those who are of a different per- 
 suasion in religious things. 
 
 Avar. The truth is, my parsons are scatter- 
 ed abroad, among all sects of professors ; for the 
 time is not yet come, that anyone sect can just- 
 ly assert, that none of their ministers have any 
 other object in view but the glory of God, and 
 the good of mankind. Nor will the time com- 
 mence, before that important question, " who 
 shall be the greatest;" is finally decided, which 
 it is thought will be a great while first, seeing 
 it hath already puzzled the schoolmen and lead- 
 ers of the church for sixteen centuries back. 
 But to return to the parsons company, where- 
 «iyer you meet with a clergyman who answers 
 the description I have given, you need not ask 
 him whether he is a churchman or a dissenter. 
 All you have to do, is to put Belzebub's mark 
 upon his forehead, and take assurance of him, 
 that at a certain time, he shall not fail to visit 
 the nether regions, and take his abode in the 
 infernal palace. 
 
 In this very populous company, there is 
 great diversity of ranks, even where there is an 
 equality of genius ; for some having scarcely 
 finished their apprenticeship are inducted inta 
 livings and instantly commence rectors and 
 tithe gatherers. Others for want of friends, are 
 obliged much against their inclination to con- 
 tinue underlings all the length of a tedious life. 
 I have seen a handsome person ere now, riding 
 upon four or five steeples at once, and having 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 189 
 
 more in expectation; whilst his fellow student, 
 could scarcel}^ procure brown bread and Welch 
 butter. And amongst all the piurallsts in my ac- 
 quaintance, I know not of one that has got liv- 
 ings enow; but give, give, is still their fervent 
 prayer to m)' lord bishop, or some other patron 
 who has a benefice to bestow. Many indeed 
 think they shouidbe quite contented, if they had 
 but one more benefice added to what they now 
 enjoy ; but I can tell you, could they come by 
 another, there would still be another wanting. 
 It is much, now so many clergymen find them- 
 selves uneasy in the trammels, if they do not at 
 last take it into their heads to persuade the le- 
 gislature, that a clergyman cannot preach in 
 three or four churches at one and the same 
 time. And that it is not perfectly consistent, 
 either with Christianity or reason, that one 
 clergyman should have three or four livings, 
 whilst another has none. Should it come to 
 this, my company must be terrible suiferers. 
 
 Imp. One would really think, if the cure of 
 souls is as weighty a concern as some people 
 make it, the parsons would not be so fond of 
 pluralities ; of adding living to living, and 
 parish to parish. 
 
 Avar. The cure of souls, forsooth! My 
 parsons care not who take the souls. The 
 fleece, cousin, the fleece, attracts their atten- 
 tion. Give an avaricious parson the fleece, and, 
 you make fairies of the souls of the parish- 
 ioners if you will. Many of them do very 
 
190 BIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 little of the priest's office, besides collecting the 
 tithes and offerings ; at which they are won- 
 derfully dextrous. But as to preaching, they 
 have no notion of it, and less stili of, visiting 
 the sick, were they even in the jaws of death. 
 I assure you, gentlemen, those! idoi-shepherds 
 are of the greatest use to our government. 
 The interest of hell could not prosper as it 
 does, were we not well befriended by many 
 gentlemen in holy orders^ 
 
 Fast. Indeed cousin, I have often thought^ 
 that without their assistance, we should be ill 
 put to it, to maintain our ground against the 
 votaries of Immanuel. What posting to and 
 from hell is there amongst our sable brethren, 
 when but one faithful and zealous gospel mini- 
 ster arises in a nation ? You may remember, 
 when Luther and Calvin brake the chain of the 
 pope and devil, lifted up the voice of the gos- 
 pel trumpet, which resounded through the 
 bowels of hell and made the pillars of our in- 
 fernal kingdom totter, what hurly burly we all 
 were in ? What deep consultations in the di- 
 van ? W^hat diligence in action with our forces 
 upon earth. 
 
 Avar. True, sir, but times are much alter- 
 ed for the better ; many a well paid parson 
 now-a-days, is so obliging as to sing a lullaby 
 to his people, when he finds them snoring in 
 the sleep of security, and will suffer no man to 
 attempt their awakening. He kindly tells 
 them, " that they may sleep on now, and take 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 191 
 
 their rest, for the wolf is gone out of the coun- 
 try, and will not for a great while return. 
 Let no man disturb you with idle notions, for 
 you may all go asleep to heaven without ever 
 knowing what conversion means." 
 
 Inf. it is admirable what power these same 
 gentlemen have gotten over reason and reli- 
 gion ; I have often thought, tliat if ever they 
 were to read their Bibles with attention, they 
 could not be off from seeing that they them- 
 selves are the identical persons intended by 
 the idle, idol shepherds, and unfaithful watch- 
 men, against whom so many curses are de- 
 nounced in scripture. The idle shepherds, you 
 know, are such who feed and adorn themselves 
 with the spoils of the flock, which is suffered 
 to perish unwarned, and to die for lack of know- 
 ledge. The idol shepherd is that lordly priest, 
 that downy doctor, who keeps at an awful dis- 
 tance from men of ordinary rank, and is too 
 much of the gentleman to give himself any 
 concern about the souls of his parishioners. 
 
 Many of those idol shepherds I know, who 
 possess some hundreds, ay, some of them 
 thousands per annum, who will not so much 
 to ask one of their cure, whether he intends to 
 go to heaven or hell at death, or whether he 
 serves God or the devil ; ji'et if a parishioner 
 die, they will keep as penetrating a look-out 
 for their fees, as an eagle for his prey, and 
 seize it with equal eagerness. Moreover, for 
 the sake of this same fee, they will own the de- 
 
192 DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 ceased for a brother, which privilege was al- 
 ways denied him whilst alive, unless he should 
 indeed have happened to be one of the fat of 
 the flock, who was capable of yielding a 
 double fleece. 
 
 Avar. It is the fleece, sir, which my dis- 
 ciples regard, and not the flock ; how have I 
 been diverted sometimes, both at church and 
 meeting-house, to hear the parson, with an air 
 the most supercilious and contemptful, raihng 
 the most useful of God's ministers, as enthusi- 
 asts, fanatics, and methodists : ah ! said I to 
 myself, what poor honest devils were those of 
 old, who confest Christ and his disciples, and 
 thus declared to the sons of Sceva, " Jesus 
 we know, and Paul we know, but who are 
 you?" 
 
 Sometimes I hear them crying with vehe- 
 mence, against the divinity of Immanuel; one 
 making him some kind of a super-angelical be- 
 ing, and another asserting that he is only a man 
 like themsekes. Then say I, what a pusillani- 
 mous spirit was that same devil-legion, who 
 without receiving either tithe or offering, con- 
 fessed Jesus of Nazareth to be the only Son of 
 God, to whom the scriptures ascribe every di- 
 vine honor. But these parsons are well paid 
 for confessing him, and yet deny him with the 
 utmost insolence. 
 
 There is never a day but I hear some of this 
 <iompany charging the lie upon one text or 
 Dther of the Bible. One tells his people that 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 193 
 
 there is no such thing, as one being chosen to 
 salvation more than another, but that the love 
 of God is equal unto, and upon all men, whe- 
 ther Jew or gentile, turk or pagan, papist or 
 protestant; nay then say I, master parson, you 
 are become a dissenter from your own seven- 
 teenth article. And to speak within compass, 
 there are at least a thousand pulpits in the 
 church occupied by such dissenter*. 
 
 Then I hear others raihng against those who 
 preach salvation by grace ; and at the same 
 time assuring their people, that they must be 
 saved by their own holiness and good works. 
 Very well, say I, then I have my desire, for 
 upon these terras they will never be saved at 
 all. But still I am at a loss, how they dare so 
 barefacedly give the lie to Paul the apostle, 
 who taught the church, that "By grace they 
 were saved through faith, and that not of 
 themselves, but the gift of God." I hear many 
 clergymen of the established church, in enter- 
 ing upon the service, thus address the majesty 
 of heaven, *' Lord cleanse thou the thoughts 
 of our hearts, by the inspiration of thy Holy 
 Spirit ;" and in less than an hour after, telling 
 their parishioners, that it is mere enthusiasm 
 in any man to expect in these days, to be at 
 all influenced by the inspiration of the Holy 
 Spirit. 
 
 So glaring the contradictions, which some- 
 times they are guilty of, that I tremble with 
 fear, lest the people should be convinced of 
 
 VOL. II. u 
 
104> DIALOGUES [dial. 17' 
 
 the truth ; but these are favourable times, gen- 
 tlemen, very favourable ; for the greatest part 
 of the people have something else to think 
 of when they go to church, besides either 
 preaching or prayer. 
 
 . Wlien I hear the parson, whether church- 
 man or dissenter, telling his people how holy 
 and pure the heart of man is by nature ; how 
 aptly formed for sentiments of the most exalt- 
 ed piety, and for entertaining the love of God; 
 I am wonderfully at a loss to know, how he 
 came by more extensive knowledge of man- 
 kind than Jesus Christ, who expressly taught, 
 that whatsoever defileth the man, proceeds out 
 of the heart. Your influences, Fastosus, are 
 of excellent use, in keeping them where th-ey 
 are ; you take care to persuade each of them 
 sepurately, that of all others his own know- 
 ledge is the most refined ; and hence it is, that 
 Goodwin, Owen, Charnock, and all such au- 
 thors, are considered as weak though well- 
 meaning divines. 
 
 It is very diverting to hear my parsons boast- 
 ing of their superior knowledge, even when 
 by their ministrations it is plain, that they are 
 acquainted with almost any writings, better 
 t!uin those of inspiration ; when their audi- 
 tories dwindle away to nothing, and the few 
 people who abide by them are destitute of all 
 religion. Did they but know half as much as 
 tlie most illiterate devil of our fraternity, they 
 would at least believe that there may be a pos- 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DFA'ILS. 195 
 
 slbility of their mistaking the way, and that 
 after all their pretensions to superior know- 
 ledge, they may run some risk of a final mis- 
 carriage. But as our good friends the Roman 
 doctors, are wont to say, '• Ignorance is the 
 mother of devotion ;" so sa)"^ I of my parsons, 
 <• Ignorance is the spring of all their know- 
 ledge/' and whilst my father Infidelis can keep 
 them ignorant, my uncle Fastosus can easily 
 puff them up with a sense of the clearness of 
 their heads, and goodness of thek hearts ; so 
 that I can do very well with them, and retain 
 them amongst our worshippers. 
 
 III. The next company in our corporation 
 is thPtt of the Straining Landlords, a very noble 
 and reputable company indeed; notwithstand- 
 ing, they are far from being opulent. In the 
 days of yore, when luxury was but in little 
 vogue, the freeholders were attended with 
 fewer wants, and of course this company was 
 less flourishing ; but since tliese happy days 
 commenced, in which people of quality are 
 trained up in absolute idleness and dissipation; 
 in which virtue is of no account, and luxurj', 
 pride, and dissoluteness, are arrived at their ze- 
 nith ; the people of quality are amazingly poor, 
 and are attended with an undescribable train 
 of necessities. What is very remarkable, their 
 pride has grown in a perfect proportion to 
 their poverty, so that now it is an established 
 Kiw amongst them, to look upon themselves as 
 of a different blood from the rest of mankind. 
 
196 DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 Indeed you cannot affront a person of quality 
 worse, th^n by likening him to one of those, 
 who are called vulgar creatures ; notwith- 
 standing, by the way, it is those same vulgar 
 creatures which enable persons of rank and 
 fashion, to support the dignity of their sta- 
 tion ; and were there no vulgar creatures, 
 there would also be no ladies of quality. 
 
 This distinction which the quality pay to 
 themselves, is of the utmost use in my admi- 
 nistration, as will appear from the following 
 story. 
 
 I went one day to the house of Sjr Fop 
 Mortalis, a very famous gentleman in the 
 country, with a design to pay my devoirs to 
 madam Mortalis, his lady ; a gentlewoman 
 who abhors to have the least comparison made, 
 betwixt her and any person whatever of infe- 
 rior rank. The chamber-maid informed her 
 mistress, that good Mr Prudence waited be- 
 low, desiring to speak with her ladyship, if 
 convenient ; the lady soon descended, and 
 compliments passed on either side, she con- 
 ducted me into her parlour, where she and I 
 had the following dialogue. 
 
 Lady. Good Mr Prudence, you have been 
 a very great stranger! It is now many months 
 since I saw you at our house; but I am glad to 
 see you now, and I wish in my heart Sir Fop 
 Mortalis had been at home. 
 
 "PituDENCE. Urgent business, madam, de- 
 inands iny attendance so much elsewhere, that 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 197 
 
 I cannot so frequently as I could wish, pay my 
 respects to Sir Fop and my lady Mortalis. But 
 now, madam, I am come, if possible to rectify 
 a growing mistake amongst mankind ; and 
 must tell your ladyship, that I am heartily 
 sorry to see the world arrived at such a pitch 
 of ambition as it is now. Indeed, my lady, 
 it is become a very difficult matter, in a con- 
 course of people, to distinguish between the 
 fai'mers and tradesmen's wives, and ladies of 
 birth and fortune ; nor can we more easily dis- 
 tinguish between their several children. Why, 
 madam, the farmers and tradesmen's children 
 are all masters and nnsses ; young gentlemen 
 and ladies now-a-days. I know not, for my 
 part, what the world will come to, if some 
 measures are not speedily taken to prevent 
 the confounding of baseness with dignity. 
 
 When I was last at church, I was surprised 
 to see, as I thought. Miss Mortalis, your 
 daughter, there ; well knowing that neither 
 Sir Fop himself, nor any of his fimily, go 
 often to any place of public worship. Be- 
 cause you know, my lady, few of you great 
 folks love the tedious duties of religion. 
 
 Lady. Not we indeed ; give us the cards, 
 or musical entertainments for our money. We 
 hate their whining, doleful cant ; let them 
 choose religion, who have taste for nothing 
 more polite. W^e'll have none of it, 1 assure 
 you, Mr Prudence. 
 
 Pkud. I know it my lady, I know it, and 
 M 3 
 
198 DIALOGUES [dial. 17. 
 
 am mightily pleased with your determination. 
 But as I was telling your ladyship, being {It 
 church, as soon as service was over, I said to 
 a man who sat in the pew with me, " I am sur- 
 prized to see Miss Mortalis at church to-da3\ 
 Do you think, sir, that any body has been dar- 
 ing enough to tell her that she really is a nior- 
 tal?" To which the plain countryman, in liis 
 own clownish v*ay, replied, '' Miss Mortalis 
 at church quoth-a — no, no, sir, you are quite 
 mistaken, for Sir Fop's family are people of 
 quality, and therefore meddle none with re- 
 ligion. What should they do at church, see- 
 ing they fear no hell, regard not God, and be- 
 lieve not in the devil ; as for heaven, Sir Fop 
 is willing to leave that to the poor, and desires 
 iio greater happiness for himself and his, than 
 is implied in an earldom." 
 
 Lady. That is, indeed, what Sir Fop has 
 long been soliciting, and it is believed is now 
 very near obtaining. 
 
 PiiuD. But, said I to the fellow, pray who 
 is that young lady whom I took for Miss Mor- 
 talis ? Poh, lady quoth-a — why 'tis John Till- 
 ground's daughter, o' the Five Elms. Till- 
 ground's daughter ! said I, you surprize me ; 
 she is as finely drest, as I have seen Miss Mor- 
 talis when going to a ball. And pray, con- 
 tinued I, who is yonder lady, v/ith the French 
 head-dress and furred cardinal? 1 thouglit you 
 had had no people of quality in this parish, 
 l^esides Sir Fop's family. No, sir, returned 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 11)9 
 
 he, we have none who are sucli by birth, 
 but we have many who are quaHiy by their 
 dress. The lady, sir, that you enquire after 
 is, Mrs Watstjn, the landlady at the Three 
 Tuns. 
 
 Well, madam, I followed them out of 
 church, and was amazed to see the plaitings of 
 hair, the tires of ruffles, and the labyrinthian 
 furbeloes with which the women were decorat- 
 ed. Indeed, my lady, if the world holds on 
 but a few years in its present career, we shall 
 not be able to distinguish betwixt the highest 
 and the lowest ranks of people. 
 
 Lady,. To be sure, sir, the world is now at 
 a sad pitch of pride and ambition, for people 
 of fashion can do nothing a^s to dress, gesture, 
 manner of speech, or living, but we are mi- 
 micked by those vulgar creatures, 
 
 Prud. It must undoubtedly be considered 
 as an insufferable insult upon people of breed- 
 ing, when they are thus taken off by the vul- 
 gar. But madam, I have a scheme to pro- 
 pose, which if adopted, will effectually correct 
 their insolence, and soon oblige John Till- 
 ground and Timothy Turf's daughters to lay 
 aside their furbeloes, ruffles, and tea-table, and 
 betake themselves to their spinning wheels. 
 
 Lady. What is it ? I pray you, good Mr 
 Prudence, be so obliging ; I beg you would, 
 sir? 
 
 Prud. Indeed, madam, your farmers are 
 all become gentlemen of late; they talk of for- 
 M 4? 
 
200 DIALOGUES [dial, 17. 
 
 tunes for their children, and consider them- 
 selves as very little inferior to the 'Squire him- 
 self; but let me tell you, madam, the fault is 
 not so much in the farmers, as in the land-^ 
 lords themselves, who let their farms upon 
 terms by far too low and easy. There is this 
 same John Tillground, and hh neighbour Ti- 
 mothy Turf, as I am informed, have both of 
 them money lying at interest, when my wor- 
 thy and right honorable lord noble, a gentle- 
 man of the first quality, is obliged to pawn his 
 plate for cash, to pay off the four thousand 
 pounds he lost the other night at cards ; and 
 whilst his gentle neighbour, 'Squire Fitzfolly, 
 is obliged to fell his timber to stop the horrid 
 gap, which his malevolent stars opened at 
 Newmarket-races, where the gamblers of rank 
 and quahty occasionally try their fortune. 
 
 'Tis insufferable, madam, that the farmer's 
 circumstances should be easy, whilst people of 
 fashion know not bow to keep off the duns 
 from their doors. What right has any body to 
 any thing besides slavery, except people of 
 quality ? Were not those vulgar creatures ori- 
 ginally designed as your slaves, madam ? and 
 yet for any thing I see, they will soon be on a 
 level with yon, unless some method, lucky 
 enough to prevent it, is speedily devised. 
 
 Lady. Ah, sir, I fear it indeed. If you 
 do know of any suitable means to prevent 
 it, I beg, good Mr Prudenee, you will inform 
 me? 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 201 
 
 Prud, There Is only one way that I know 
 of, madam, and that is to raise their rents to 
 the uttermost. As every lease expires, it will 
 be an easy matter for Sir Fop, in the renewal 
 of it, to advance the rent as high as he pleases. 
 The slaves dare not go away ; and if they 
 should, there will be others foolish enough to 
 agree to any terms, rather than miss of a farm. 
 This done, and all your tenants settled upon 
 the racked farms, if any one of them happens 
 to rear a handsome colt, let Sir Fop himself, 
 or young master, fall in love with it, demand 
 it of its owner for so much, never exceeding 
 half its value ; he m.ay privately grumble, but 
 dare not refuse, for fear of offending his ho- 
 nor. By these means, and others which oc- 
 casion will suggest, you may make them all 
 humble enough. 
 
 Lady. Most excellenfly spoken, good Mr 
 Pyudence. Then, Tillground's wife will be 
 obliged to sell her china ware to procure rags 
 for her brats ; the daughter must take to her 
 wheel, and wash-tub, and my son master 
 Thomas, will ride a better horse than he now 
 dpes. This scheme will certainly conquer the 
 ambition of the farmers ; but what will it do 
 for the tradesmen, good Mr Prudence ; they 
 will still continue an eye-sore ? 
 
 Prud. Indeed, madam, the same scheme 
 
 will produce very humbling effects, upon 
 
 tradesmen of every kind ; though I dare not 
 
 assert, that you will ever be able perfectly to 
 
 M 5 
 
S©2 DIALOGUES [dial. 17* 
 
 subject to your ambition and avarice, that ho- 
 norable body of merchants, whom you atFyct- 
 edly call cits. No, madam, 1 am afraid that 
 nobility itself must give place to the public 
 spirit of the merchant ; yet even them you 
 may greatly injure, and prevent their being of 
 such essential service to their country, as other- 
 wise they might be. But as to inland trade, 
 by racking your tenants in the manner prescri- 
 bed, you may absolutely destroy it. That you 
 may see the utility of my scheme, I shall a lit- 
 tle exjplain it to }our ladyship. 
 
 If the farmers are racked to the utmost, they 
 will be obliged to sell the produce of their 
 lands, at an exorbitant price, otherwise it will 
 be altogether out of their power to pay the sti- 
 pulated rent. And besides selling their crops 
 &c. for an advanced price, the}' will be oblig- 
 ed to abridge the wages of all their labourers, 
 smiths, carpenters, &e. 
 
 By these means the farmer will find it very 
 difficult to live, and of course will rarely visit 
 the mercer's and draper's shops ; and as for 
 his labourers and workmen, they will find but 
 little money to lay out in clothes ; especially 
 if their children be numerous, as the demands 
 of the back must always give place to the 
 louder calls of the belly. And as you know, 
 my lady, sterility very rarely dwells in the la- 
 bourer's cottage ; it is unknown what misery 
 you may happily introduce amongst them, by 
 the scheme proposed. The draper's goods, 
 
DIAL. 17.] OF DEVILS. 203 
 
 will lie upon his hands, unless indeed he is 
 pleased to give credit to the poor ? if the 
 former, he will be sparing of his orders ; and 
 if the latter, we shall soon have him a bank- 
 rupt, so that he will be effectually ruined. 
 
 You see, madam, that here we affect the 
 manufacturer, equally with the farmer and 
 shopkeeper; for when the retail trade is ruin- 
 ed by tlie dearness of provisions, the manu- 
 facturer will find little call for his goods ; the 
 issue of which will be, the disbanding of many 
 of his journeymen, and abridging the wages of 
 the rest. The disbanded journeymen being in- 
 capable of finding employment, and not having 
 learned the art of living like the caraelion, on 
 the air, will be drove to thieving, by which 
 means America will be peopled, and Tyburn 
 Chronicle rendered respectable. 
 
 As to the manufacturer himself, his capital 
 being soon convertedinto manufactured goods, 
 he will be obliged to sell them under their va- 
 lue, that he may keep up his credit with the 
 merchant, and be able to carry on a little 
 trade, vainly hoping that times may alter for 
 the better. 
 
 Lady. Indeed, sir, your scheme is very 
 feasible, and yet there is one thing that will 
 put the manufacturer absolutely out of our 
 power. I mean, sir, the exportation of their 
 manufacture. I don't know how it is, but 
 these cits of merchants can send goods any 
 M 6 
 
204* ]!>iAt6GUES [dial. 17. 
 
 where, and tbey, sir, will support the manu- 
 facturer. 
 
 Prud. No, madam, J assure you, my 
 scheme, if cordially adopted, and executed 
 with vigour, will put it absolutely out of the 
 merchant's power. There is nothing can re- 
 commend the English manufacture at a foreign 
 market, but the price being inferior to that of 
 other nations. Now, if an Englishman must 
 pay twice as dear for his provision in his own 
 country, as a Frenchman does in his, it is easy 
 to see that either journeymen's wages must in 
 England be double to what they are in France, 
 or the journeymen must starve ; which few 
 Englishmen are fond of doing. The conse- 
 quence of this is, the French manufacturer can 
 send his goods to a foreign market upon better 
 terms than an Englishman, and of course de- 
 stroy all the foreign trade of the English nation* 
 Thus, madam, I have pointed out a method 
 by which, you people of fashion, in order to 
 support your own grandeur, may suck the 
 blood of all inferior ranks of people, and make 
 the British subjects absolutely slaves, even in a 
 country which boasts its freedom. Nay more, 
 this is a method by which you may ruin the 
 most flourishing nation in the world. 
 
 Lady. Spoke like an angel, good Mr Pru- 
 dence. I protest, upon honor, I will not sleep 
 till I have consulted Sir Fop on the matter. 
 
 Avar. I took my leave of her ladyship, 
 who could not rest till she had communicated 
 
DIAL, 17.] OF DEVILS'. 205 
 
 the matter to her acquaintances, and they to 
 their acquaintances, and so they again to theirs, 
 that it had very soon made the tour of Great 
 Britain and IreUxnd ; an ordinance was insti- 
 tuted in the company of avaricious landlords, 
 that in every future lease, the farmers should 
 be racked to the last extremity. This ordi- 
 nance has been universally complied with by 
 the whole company ; so that there is reason to 
 hope, in time, all the blessed consequences 
 proposed, will arise from it, as you may see to 
 what an exorbitant price all manner of pro- 
 visions is already arrived. What may not 
 be expected from such hopeful beginnings ? 
 
 Fast. A noble company indeed, and near 
 a-kin to om- destroying clan. And yet many 
 of them set up for patriots, even when they 
 are drawing ruin upon the nation, by tlieir 
 pride, luxury, and avariee* 
 
DIALOGUE XVIII. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 Wholesome Instructions to the Ladies. 
 
 Fastosus. 
 
 No, Avaro ; know assuretlly that you are 
 not more in esteem with the Dutch than my- 
 self. It were strange indeed if I had no con? 
 cern witli Mynheer. 
 
 Avar. Indeed, sir, to see Mynheer equip- 
 ped in his hohday clothes, he makes pretty 
 near as awkv/ard an appearance as a Lap- 
 lander ; and one would certainly conclude, 
 that he is a perfect stranger to courtly Fasto- 
 sus. But all the world knows, that Avaro is 
 a very respectable personage in Holland. 
 
 Fast. I told you before, cousin, that you 
 have an ugly way of encroaching upon your 
 neighbour's right. I do not like it, cousin, 
 and will assert my dominion. Do you think 
 that Mynheer is not full as proud of his mul- 
 tiplicity of gcirments, as an English hero of his 
 scarlet and lace ? Or, that he is not the best 
 fellow who can wear the greatest number of 
 pairs of breeches ? I assert, there may be as 
 
DIAL. 18.] DIALOGUES &C. 207 
 
 much pride under a DutchmaR's cap as under 
 a Scotch bonnet, or even under a Frenchman's 
 hat ; notwithstanding there is a very great dif- 
 ference between the first and the last. The 
 first, you know, is a fixt ponderous substance, 
 and the last is mutable, as the weathercock on 
 the top of St. Peter's. Yes, Avaro, I may 
 assert farther, that there may be as much 
 pride under a red cap, as under the coronet 
 of a peer, or even under the mitre of an arch- 
 bishop. 
 
 Inf. That Avaro is in high esteem in the 
 Netherlands, will not be denied ; but to sup- 
 pose Fastosus excluded from any people what- 
 ever, is highly dishonoring ; therefore, my 
 son, you must learn to be more cautious, and 
 for the present to make atonement for your 
 error, proceed with your account of your cor- 
 poration. 
 
 Avar. If to retract an error, and endeavour 
 in future to oblige, v»'ill procure forgiveness, it 
 shall be done. — In order to which you will 
 please to observe that the 
 
 IV. Company of my corporation, is that 
 of the letter-retailers, otherwise called merce- 
 nary-scribblers, and false-publishers. The tran- 
 scribers and abridgers of other men's works, 
 and especially those whose sole aim is to get 
 money by their writings, are free of this com- 
 pany, and on the livery. 
 
 To give you a proper idea of which, I shall 
 read you a letter which I stole the other night, 
 
20S tkiALOGUfis [dial. 18. 
 
 from the chairman of a reading society in the 
 country, designed to be sent to the Reviewers, 
 critical and monthly. 
 
 Gentlemeit, 
 
 WE are, what country people call a reading 
 society, into which we had formed ourselves 
 some years before the first Review made its 
 public appearance. We had not long taken 
 in books, before we found several articles of 
 our purchase to be stolen from other authors ; 
 and but very few of our titular authors, had 
 either honor or honesty enough, to inform the 
 public from what sources they compiled their 
 volumes. We would advise all writers to live 
 upon their own proper genius, deeming it a 
 pity that pilferers should be suffered in the re- 
 public of letters. At the last meeting of our 
 club, this question was put and canvassed, 
 *' What can induce one writer to steal from 
 another ?" 
 
 To this important question, one replied one 
 thing, and another said what he could to con- 
 fute it, as every member was willing to display 
 his abilities ; at last, Dick Keene, a testy kind 
 of youth, but of good sense, gave us the fol- 
 lowing satisfactory answer. 
 
 *' Very probably, said master Dick, some 
 authors may steal from others, for the same 
 reason which that celebrated fool of old had, 
 who burnt himself and the temple together, in 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS, 209 
 
 order to perpetuate his name. There are au- 
 thors, endued vvith the same laudable ambition 
 who not being happy enough to have beenborn 
 free in the literary republic, are obliged to stoop 
 to dishonest measures, in o^der to gratify their 
 ambition. Their geniuses (if it be lawful to 
 speak of their geniuses ) being destitute of every 
 prolific principle, and their fancies fixed as the 
 Pyrenean or the Alps ; they cannot possibly 
 gain repute but oh the credit of their prede- 
 cessors. Therefore, what frugal nature, and 
 Gamaliel hath with-held, must be supplkd by 
 industrious freedom ; and as the end proposed 
 tnust at all events be obtained ; honor, truth 
 and honesty, smoke at once on the altar of am- 
 bition. To work goes the writer, plunders 
 every volume in his own and his patron's li- 
 brary, at last completes his scheme ; and lo ! 
 we have an entire new work, by the learned 
 Mr Dunce. And so it comes to pass, that 
 we, the honest purchasers, pay three or four 
 times over for the same matter, and perhaps 
 in almost the same manner likewise. 
 
 There are others, who, as a just judgment 
 on their former indolence and extravagance, 
 are now condemned to live upon their wit ; 
 which being dull and tardy, somewhat a-kin 
 to the brain of an ass, of itself can afford bnt a 
 very penurious table, and uncomfortable lodg- 
 ing. Bitten with hunger, the unhappy man 
 is obliged to steal where he can, and then to 
 sell his ill gotten collection to the bookseller, in 
 
210 DIALOGUES [dial. IS. 
 
 ' order to procure a good holiday dinner. The 
 bookseHer, I believe is pretty well convinced of 
 the truth of my remarks, as he has paid smart 
 for his connection v^'ith literary thieves. 
 
 Of these two kinds of pilferers^ in my hum- 
 ble opinion, the latter is by far the most excus- 
 able. He cannot work, he is ashamed to beg, 
 therefore must either steal or starve. What 
 can he steal with more safety than the works of 
 the learned? In my opinion, there is no more 
 clanger in robbing a gentleman of his literary 
 honor, than for a statesman to rob his mother 
 country: few such thieves are conducted by 
 the country officers to Tyburn. Oh solemn 
 tree what frauds are committed against thee ? 
 Of how many necks, equitably thine, art thou 
 cheated annually ?" 
 
 'Twas now Bill Candour, a good natured 
 youth, interrupted him, thinking his reflections 
 somewnat severe. " Hold ! Mr Keene, I think 
 your reasoning is too full of acrimony. If all 
 transcripts, extracts and abridgments, were to 
 be suppressed, it would be a very grctit loss to 
 the public ; those men therefore, who take the 
 trouble of such a service, deserve open acknow- 
 ledgment, for raising up valuable authors from 
 the vaults of oblivion, instead of being lashed 
 with the rod of merciless satire." To which 
 Dick replied, 
 
 *' That many ancient writings, are truly 
 worthy of being introduced to public view, I 
 am so far from denying that, I should deem 
 
DIAL. IS.] OF DEVILS. 211 
 
 it truly laudable, for any gentleman of capacity 
 and leisure, to dra^v■ forth the remains of anti- 
 quity from the cells of obscurity, and should be 
 one of the first to vote him the most public 
 thanks. But I- would have it done in such a 
 manner, as to come within the reach of the 
 middle class of people, amongst whom the 
 bulk of all sorts of readers are found. More- 
 over, I would have writings on religious sub- 
 jects so contrived, as to come within the reach 
 of the poor, for who else give themselves any 
 trouble about religion, or have any pleasure in 
 serious writings ? If a commentary on the 
 Bible must go beyond the extent of their fi- 
 nances, it might as well be locked up in Poofs 
 Synopsis, where it was before the commentary 
 was written. Opulent tradesmen you know, 
 are such slaves to the laws of getting, that they 
 have no time to read, and therefore may pru- 
 dently avoid purchasing. And people of fash- 
 ion, are generally perfectly satisfied with hav- 
 ing such or such books in their libraries, with- 
 out so much as looking farther into them than 
 the title pages. Surely, gentlemen, no wan 
 is to be vindicated in making merchandise of 
 his neighbour's genius." 
 
 Plere he concluded, and we were soori con- 
 vinced, that there was much weight in his rea- 
 soning. We must beg leave to tell you, gentle- 
 men, that when your worships erected your 
 tribunal, and every author was summoned to 
 appear before you, we flattered a hope, that all 
 
212 »ialogUes [dial. 18. 
 
 pilferers would have fled out of the republic of 
 letters. But, alas! we have been hitherto 
 disappointed, and in reality, they seem to be 
 on the increase, so that a rnan can hardly claim 
 personal right to a single idea, how justly so- 
 ever it may be his property. 
 
 We earnestly beg that you, gentlemen, will 
 be obliging enough to publish your aversion to 
 this craft ; to command all, who are destitute 
 both of fortune and genius, to reconcile them- 
 selves to their destiny, and shew their submis- 
 sion to the higher power, by learning some 
 handicraft business, by which they may gain 
 an honest living. There are a thousand ways 
 to live in the world, if that of an author were 
 to cease. For instance, there is carrying a 
 musket, or beating a drum by land, and fur- 
 ling the sails by sea, either of which are ho- 
 norable employments, when compared with 
 that of book-stealing. 
 
 As we know not to whom we can apply with 
 any hope of success, but to yourselves ; we 
 must farther beg, that you will not only detect 
 the theft, when you meet with it but do as 
 the worthy inhabitants of St. Giles's do on si- 
 milar occasions. That is, pursue the delin- 
 quent with a stop-thief; stop-thief. Indeed 
 gentlemen, it will not lessen you in the public 
 esteem, should you commence even literary 
 thief catchers. Should it please you to com- 
 ply <v^ith our request, we doubt not but the 
 streets which lead to places of public resort, 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 213 
 
 will in a few years be well lined with many 
 authors, having assumed the more honorable 
 employment of a beggar. 
 
 Thus the imposts would be taken off from 
 the studious; real authors would preserve 
 their honor, no one daring to invade their 
 right, for fear of exposing themselves to pub- 
 lic infamy. Perhaps that most villanous of all 
 practices may be put a stop to ; we mean the 
 vending of cloudy commentaries on the Bible : 
 few people we should think, would be fond of 
 purchasing such books, after they are informed 
 that most of the materials are stolen. Effec- 
 tually to put a stop to this iniquitous practice, 
 we would recommend the publication of the 
 above named Synopsis in English, and then 
 every reader may take what human sense of 
 the divine word he pleases. 
 We are gentlemen, 
 
 Your most humble servants, 
 
 A Reading Society, 
 
 Fast. Indeed, cousin, I think the request of 
 that society reasonable enough, and ought to 
 he granted ; for as the world now goes, it is a 
 difficult matter for a man to know to whom he 
 is obliged, for any profitable hint he meetg 
 with in the course of |;iis reading. And flimsy 
 as modern productions in general are, there is 
 now and then, a profitable hint to be met with. 
 But when any thing of a recommendatory qua» 
 }ity, happens to emerge from the teem-press ; 
 
214? DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 the whole race of catch-penny imitators, swarm 
 about it, and gobble it up, then spew it out, 
 as if it were their own. Hov/ever, cousin, it 
 must be owned, there are some of your merce- 
 nary scribblers who are much more honora- 
 ble than others; and let the public know, that 
 what they write is not the fruit of their own 
 genius, but is borrowed from this or that re- 
 spectable author, under pretence of making it 
 more public, on account of its great excellency. 
 They desire not to rob the author of his ho- 
 nor : all they deem necessary, is a loan of hi^ 
 genius to supply the defects of their own, and 
 to help them a little forward in the world. 
 
 But of all writers, commend me to polemic 
 divines. Oh ! it would be a pleasure to the 
 devil himself, to see with what dexterity they 
 put off their own anger, under the name of zeal 
 for God ; just as the industrious tradesmen of 
 Birminghiam, do their manufacture for the coin 
 of the nation. 'Tis amazing to think, how 
 protestant ministers can lug in the almighty 
 into both sides of their quarrel ; and how they 
 would make the world believe, that their cause 
 is the cause of heaven, and that they have got 
 authority to dispense the curses of the most 
 High. Nothing can be more pleasing, than 
 to see men of wisdom aiyl religion, vigorously 
 contending for their own honor, and at the 
 same time making the public believe, they 
 ,have nothing in viesv but the Redeemer's 
 glory. And 1 assure you it is not every divine, 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 215 
 
 even of great parts, who takes time to distin- 
 guish between the glory of God, and his own 
 reputation. 
 
 Next to this, I am delighted to see men of 
 learning and religion, bickering each other 
 about subjects, which the greatest of ail tlie 
 apostles would not presume to pry into. But 
 we have divines so expert, that they under- 
 stand what never was revealed; and so zealous, 
 that they will oblige others to have the same 
 degree of intelligence with themselves, under 
 pain of their implacable displeasure ; and yet 
 they are the true ministers of the meek and 
 loving Saviour. But a very few are to be met 
 with, who have humility enough to submit to 
 thesimplicity of scripture. However, cousin, 
 although I love to set forth my own powerful 
 influence, I would not willingly prevent your 
 proceeding with your story. Mean wliile, I 
 want you to be more explicit with regard to 
 your company of letter venders. Do you* 
 mean by them printers in general ? 
 
 Avar. No, gentlemen, I do not mean, 
 neither all the booksellers nor printers. Print- 
 ing has been to mankind one of the greatest of 
 all temporal blessings, and will, 1 much fear, 
 be the total ruin of the kingdom of darkness; 
 as wherever the freedom of the press is suffer- 
 ed, it carries reformation along with it. But 
 amongst those concerned in literary affairs, 
 there are many villanous people, who, when 
 their trade runs low, take v.p with printing 
 
216 ©lALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 corrupting novels, such as the Memoirs of a 
 Woman of Pleasure; blasphemous plays, such 
 as Sammy Foot's Minor; schismatic harangues, 
 like the greater part of political essays ; vain 
 disputes about things of trivial import, &c. all 
 such, and many such there be, we rank with 
 die false publishers, because truth and falshood 
 are with them of equal value, and their choice 
 is fixed by what will serve a present turn. 
 The patriotic alderman is a leading man in 
 this learned company. He has not learned 
 so little by the gift of second sight, which he 
 has had from his cradle, as not to know, that 
 more than truth is indispensably necessary, to 
 support some particular personal characters* 
 J3esides there are others, who will sell botl;i 
 soul and body to the father of lies, in defence 
 of some particular state ; and others to ruin 
 some public character. The celebrated Mr 
 Maubert of Brussels is a great man in this way- 
 • Free of this company, are another set of 
 men, implacable enemies to honest industry, 
 who live altogether by their wit ; appear in all 
 .sliapes and characters, and stick at nothing to 
 get money. Although these people have 
 nothing but grimace to sell, (through a folly, 
 formerly almost peculiar to the metropolis, but 
 now diffusing itself every where) they have for 
 six months in the year a very plentiful market; 
 and many who would suffer the miserable to 
 perish unrelieved at their gates, will liberally 
 jt'ontribute to support theliixury and libertinism 
 
r>IAL. IS.] OF DEVILS. 227 
 
 of the players. In the days of yore, the devil 
 Proteus was, but now David Garrick, Esq^ is 
 their foreman ; a fast friend to our government, 
 and a faithful disciple of careful Avaro. 
 
 Disc. I think you must be mistaken now 
 cousin, for the end of all theatrical entertain- 
 ments, which I perceive you have in view, is 
 the exposing of vice and reformation of man- 
 ners ; consequently their design was originally 
 religious. 
 
 Avar. lallow, thatin the darkness of pagan- 
 ism, the ancients had a religious design, in ex- 
 hibitions of the stage; but what of that: They 
 had likewise a religious design, in passing their 
 children through the fire to the devil Molech. 
 I allow, farther, that in the days of monkish 
 ignorance, those blinking priests, made use of 
 the stage to convey their instructions ; but then. 
 it aught to be observed, that the same fathers 
 were equally pious, and devout in persecuting 
 the best of men. So then, cousin, the one is as 
 much authorised by ancient practice as the 
 other. Indeed when you consider, that the 
 stage is peopled by extravagant, spend-thrift 
 gentlemen, broken tradesmen, lazy mecha- 
 nics, who always were avowed enemies to 
 moral integrity ; they will appear to be a very 
 unpromising race of reformers. 
 
 Sh ould you foil w them from tlie stage to their 
 lodgings, and trace their steps through the lanes 
 of private life, you would soon be convinced, 
 that Sir John Fielding's runner-, bid muei\ 
 
 VOL. IT. N 
 
218 DIALOGUES [DIAL. 18. 
 
 more fair than they, for reforming the manners 
 of the people. And you know, the said run- 
 ners have never as yet, been considered as the 
 most respectable characters. Surely, it must 
 be thought requisite in those who set up, for re- 
 formers of others, that in some tolerable de- 
 gree they should moralize themselves. 
 
 Disc I know it, cousin ; and I thwarted 
 you on purpose, to see how you could justify 
 your claim upon the gentry of the stage; and 
 must confess you have done it to my satisfac- 
 tion. I am highly pleased with the entertain- 
 ments of the theatre myself, and am greatly de- 
 lighted to see gentlemen and ladies crowd to 
 them. Gentry who would worship God, in 
 neither church nor meetiag-liouse, can be de- 
 vout enough to attend the theatres, in Covent- 
 Garden and the Hay- Market. It is truly plea- 
 idng to see gentlemen and ladies, who cannot 
 possibly find money to pay off their tradesmen's 
 bills, find plenty of cash topurch^se play-house 
 and pantheon tickets. 
 
 Inf. As we came along, cousin Discordans, 
 you mentioned some sport you lately had with 
 two female companions ; pray what of them ? 
 
 Disc. You must know Leonora and Matil- 
 da have been intimate from their infancy, and 
 as such continued their friendship even to ma- 
 ture life ; but when both became wives and 
 mothers, I taught them to behave more incon- 
 sistently, than they did when they were chil- 
 dren. Matilda being quite fatigued with do? 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 219 
 
 mestic concerns, to attention to which her mind 
 is not very happily turned, resolved one day to 
 spend an afternoon with her friend Leonora. 
 When she went she f *und her exceedingly de- 
 prest and hysterical, by no means in a talkative 
 humour; a circumstance which frequently hap- 
 pens to the ladies of middle rank, ever since 
 luxury and idleness became so prevalent a- 
 mougst them. 
 
 Matikla not being sufficiently skilled in phy- 
 siognomy, to read the sentiments of the heart, 
 by the position of the features of the counte- 
 nance, was led into a mistake, v.liich proved 
 fatal to their friendship. She d.'iCo/ered, cr 
 thought she discovered an unusual ai:d unex- 
 pected shyness, run through every part of L( * 
 onora's conduct, which discovery proved i.o 
 slight mortification to her own sensibility. 
 Said she to herself, " Well Leonora, I perceive, 
 notwithstanding all your form.er civility, that 
 my company is not the object of your present 
 desire. I wish I had been aware of it in time ! 
 then I assureyou, my presence should nothave 
 drawn a cloud over that settled countenance cf 
 yours. But, indeed madam, let my company 
 be ever so disagreeable to you, yours I assume 
 you is now very little more pleasant to me." 
 
 Whilst she was meditating some plausible 
 pretext for withdrawing, the tea was unhappi- 
 ly brought in, which precluded her removal for 
 a little V, hjie longer. Thus constrained by de- 
 cency to stay, her glowing resentment of the 
 N 2 
 
220 DIALOGUES, [PIAL. 18. 
 
 supposed slight, forbid her to taste a morsel of 
 the toast, or to drink above two dislies of tea. 
 Having finished, she pretended, shemust retire 
 on some urgent business, which had just oc- 
 curred to lier mind; (for ladies wi!i lie to serve 
 a turn) and after a dry compiin)ent or two she 
 went off, fully resolved never to return. 
 
 As she went along the streets, her wounded 
 heart boiled with atliousoud cogitations, how or 
 when, she had oil'ended Leonora. " What 
 have I done or said that should have given her 
 umbrage. I know of nothing: and therefore 
 I care not for her anger. If people would be 
 so odd in their temper, they must even come to 
 themselves at their leizure. And so your ser- 
 vant, Leonora." 
 
 Inf. That was a visit more innocent, than 
 many I have known ; for 1 hear nothing of 
 slander, or defamation of absent characters 
 carried on in it, which very rarely happens to 
 be neglected in female visits. 
 
 Disc, True, sir, but tlie matter did not end 
 here. Poor Matiida, being unable to bear the 
 conceived slight, made free to call on Letitia 
 on her way home, that she might give a little 
 vent to her turbulent passions. Letitia, being 
 as destitute of innate ideas, as she is of fidelity, 
 readily listened to the plaintive account, how- 
 Matilda had been sewed ; without hesitation . 
 approved her departure, kindly fanned the 
 flame of resentment; and at last advised her to 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 221 
 
 let Leonora come to herself when she should 
 find it convenient. 
 
 Matilda had not been long gone, before 
 Letitia who burned with impatience to have a 
 little Tittle-tattle, went to Leonora, and set 
 mischief abroach with her also. She told her 
 all the former had said of her, and happily 
 gave it such a turn, as to render it very offen- 
 sive, notwithstanding, she kept strictly to the 
 letter of truth. Some people are remarkably 
 happy in talents of this kind ; by their mannei* 
 of representation, they can turn things quite 
 from their natural appearance, as I may per- 
 haps shew you in some future conference. Leo- 
 nora could not but think herself very ill used, 
 and resolved, w^eakly as she was, that she 
 would be a slave to no body's temper. 
 
 When Matilda and Leonora met next time, 
 being prepossest with mutual disgusttheir com- 
 pliments were dry and starched ; and each 
 secretly blamed the indifference of the other. 
 By this time, I furnished each of them with a 
 telescope, by which they might thoroughly exa- 
 mine each others conduct, and so reciprocally 
 strict is their mutual watch, that notliing can 
 escape them. Thus from the smallest begin- 
 ning, founded too in misunderstanding, I rais- 
 ed perpetual disgust and enmity. Absurd, 
 and ridiculous as this is, I could point you out 
 a thousand differences, sprung from incident? 
 equally frivolous, and unimportant. Indeed, 
 if frecidom and submission keep at a distance. I 
 N 3 
 
221^ DIALOGUES [dial. IS. 
 
 can blow up a flame of contention the most 
 violent from the smallest matters imaginable. 
 And 1 thank my stars Mess, Freedom and Sub- 
 iTiission, are in no great esteem with inankind. 
 But wherever they come, they destroy my 
 seedsj and eft'ectually extinguish my flames, for 
 they are irresistible peace-makers. 
 
 Fast. It is I, even I, my son, who have 
 brought those gentlemen into disrepute. I 
 persuade people, it is beneath them to submit 
 to their equals, liow much soever they have 
 been in the wrong. I have ere now persuaded 
 one man to do all he could, to ruin the repu- 
 tation of his neighbour, in order to establish 
 his ov/n, when he found it in a tottering condi- 
 tion ; and that too amongst those who take 
 themselves to be more righteous than others. 
 
 Disc. I have great pleasure sometim.es in 
 making parents become the instruments of 
 their children's ruin. Or as some people say, 
 to kill them with kindness. I make it my 
 business to prejudice almost every parent, so 
 far in favour of his children, that every one 
 considers his own, as the most witty, and ac- 
 tive ; or to use the words of a good woman, 
 concerning her son of two years old, (the most 
 manly of any child in the neighbourLood,) 
 even as the crow conceives her own, to be 
 fairer than all the children of the feathered 
 people, 
 
 I shall trouble you but with one instance, 
 out of the millions I might produce. Little 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 223 
 
 master Jacky, was one of those extraordinaiy 
 children, whose ahnost every action was out of 
 the common way, the wonder and admiration 
 of his astonished parents. Jacky must not be 
 chid when he pinched, bit, or scratched In's 
 nurse, but must have his own pretty little hu- 
 mour; it was even pleasing to see his lovely 
 fist darted into his parents mccs ; so you may 
 be sure the child must not be suffered to cry 
 upon any account, but must always be indulg- 
 ed in whatever he wanted. Thus this extra- 
 ordinary child, in whom however, none besides 
 his parents could see any thing out of the com- 
 mon way, notwithstanding every visitor was 
 plagued with the history of his wonderful feats, 
 upon which his parents dwelt with rapture. 
 I say, Jacky found himself master of the whole 
 family; he acted accordingly, and took his 
 Qwn way in every particular. 
 
 By these means his tempers gained strength 
 so that they became habitual, not to be broken 
 by ordinary means. 
 
 When he got a few more years over his 
 head, still growing in his humour, the poor 
 parents began to see and lament the errors of 
 their former conduct. Too late, master Jacky 
 being now in breeches, and grown a great boy 
 will not readily give back that dominion they 
 were pleased to put into his hands, when but 
 in petticoats. He thinks it very hard he 
 should not choose for himself now he is ten, 
 ^s well as when he 7vas but three years old ; 
 
224. DIALOGUES [dial. 18, 
 
 rlglitly judging, that he was not more wise 
 then than he is now, and if they thought him 
 fit to be all their masters then, he is sure 
 that by this time he is much more fit to go- 
 vern. 
 
 Apprehensive now of the ruin of his son^ 
 the father exhibits exhortations, injunctions-^ 
 reproofs, and threatenings, with great severity .r 
 In vain, for not being bended whilst tender 
 and maleable, master's tempers are not now to 
 be turned out of their native channel. As in 
 former times I plied the parents, in prejudice 
 of their darling, it was now time to ply him 
 also in his turnv I furnished him with a pair 
 of glasses, and directed him in the use of them; 
 and now the youth began to reason upon his 
 father's conduct, 
 
 " What a change is this, come to my fa- 
 ther ? Once he was something like good-na- 
 tured, but now he is the nvost self-willed and 
 rigorous man in the world. Surely no reason- 
 able person woidd impose such laws upon his 
 children as he does on me ; laws, such as no- 
 body of any spirit would submit to<^ I was 
 formerly his pretty lad, his good boy, and 
 every thing I did was right ; times are strange- 
 ly changed, for now I can do nothing to please 
 him. I could have had what I would and 
 gone where 1 pleased ; but now I am per- 
 plexed with warm exhortations, which I hear 
 unreasonably frequent; and can go no where, 
 ^viJiout his leave, as if I had not more sense 
 
DIAL. IS.'] OF DEVILS. 225 
 
 now than when I was little. His reproofs are 
 too harsh ; I hear of nothing but my stubborn- 
 ness and wickedness ; of his and my mother's 
 sorrow ; and of breaking their hearts on my ac- 
 count. I should break none of their hearts, I 
 assure them if they would let me alone. 
 
 " Cannot my father and mother grieve for 
 themselves, and not teaze me about their trou- 
 ble •* I am no v.orse than my neighbours, 
 though by their account I might be the v/ick- 
 edest vvretch that ever lived. It is not enough 
 that I must go to church on holidays, but we 
 must have lectures on divinity at home ; and 
 for me, I am roundly told, that if I go on as I 
 do, I must certainly perish. Yes, I mu?t even 
 be damned and go to hell. Old people are 
 surely very conceited ; I'll warrant me they 
 think they are so very good, they are sure to 
 go to heaven. It is a brave thing to have a 
 good opinion of one's self which surely must 
 be their case, or they would never plague me 
 thus with their repeated lectures. Vv'ell, for 
 my own part, I am not so vain, and yet I 
 think I am in no greater danger than they are. 
 When they were young, I dare say they loved 
 pleasure as well as me, but now they get old 
 and cannot relish it themselves, they would 
 absurdly restrain me from it. Reasonable 
 parents ought not to form their commands 
 upon what they now nre. but v/hat thej were 
 when of my «'ge. But I nm determined to 
 submit to no such government, I will even take 
 
226 DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 my pleasure whilst I can have it, and let them 
 grieve on if they choose." 
 
 Thus, gentlemen, I persuade many to lay up 
 future afflictions for themselves, in the early 
 ruin of their children, by over indulgence. I 
 say early ruin, for if little master is not taught 
 to submit to government whilst in petticoats, 
 it is much if he ever learns submission after he 
 is in breeches ; he who always had his own 
 w-ay when but an infant, will take it very ill to 
 be restrained when he rises towards manhood*. 
 Yet some, yea many parents, will let their 
 children do as they please whilst but little, and 
 increase in their strictness as they advance in 
 years, so that they become mutual afflictions 
 to each other. In manhood, you know, chil- 
 dren should be used by their parents as friends 
 and confidents, instead of being kept at an 
 awful distance. Yet those very parents, who 
 have laid the foundation of their son's ruin, 
 by early indulgence in his infancy, very often 
 complete it by unseasonable strictness over 
 him when he is verging towards man's estate. 
 You know, parents should always act, so as 
 that their company shall never be burdensome 
 to their children. But I shall become moral- 
 ist if I go on thus. 
 
 Imp. Many such youths as master Jacky 
 
 fall into my hands ; if once they can by any 
 
 means be brought to despise reproof, I reckon 
 
 myself quite sure of them ; and when they 
 
 * Vid. Lack on Education, 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. . 227 
 
 come. I commonly employ them in my deep- 
 est mines. 
 
 Inf. It is always a hopeful sign when the 
 heart is hardened against reproof. If a young 
 one can be brought to despise the commands, 
 reproofs, and advice of his parents, he bids 
 fair for being one of the devil's companions 
 for ever ; and indeed, nothing but the grace 
 of God can prevent it. It is very agreeable 
 to us to see how happily successful our influ- 
 ences are over mankind, e?pecially in Britain. 
 There, many parents bring up their children, 
 just as if they designed them purposely for 
 the devil. I have great hopes of the next ge- 
 neration, gentlemen. 
 
 Disc. I make myself very merry with the 
 ladies in another way, which also turns eventu=^ 
 ally to everlasting separation. I join a little 
 knot of them together so closely for a time, 
 that they cannot be separated, nor bear to be 
 asunder for a day together. I prejudice them 
 so strongly for a while in each other's favour, 
 that they shew a manifest slight to those who 
 are not iiappy enough to be admitted into their 
 society. Family necessity, and every domestic 
 duty, must give place to their firm attachment 
 to one another. Wlien they get together for 
 a little chit-chat, they are as happy as the birds 
 in May ; not only examine every absent cha- 
 racter, within the circle of their acquaintance, 
 and report to each other all the evil they know 
 ef their own sex : but each dwells severally 
 
228 DIALOGUES [dial. 18, 
 
 upon the excellencies or failings of her hus- 
 band; who is at one time tlie best of men, at 
 another time the worst, just as her ladyship 
 happens to be in a good or bad humour with 
 him. Thus they go on, till every one is fully 
 acquainted with the family affairs of the rest, 
 and thus they bring themselves into the power 
 of one another. This is the zenith of that 
 happiness to which 1 aim to bring them ; for 
 even the devil will give present happiness, in 
 order to introduce future j)ain and sorrow ; 
 and I assure you I am too much a-kin to my 
 worthy grandfather, to suffer that felicity to 
 go long uninterrupted. 
 
 First, I sow a spirit of jealousy amongst 
 them; says Chloe, " Delia seems more attach- 
 ed to Phillis than to myself or Lucia; Portia 
 ii never happy but when her and Arabella are 
 together ;" and so round the v/hole club the 
 spirit of jealousy happily operates, and gathers 
 strength by every day's duration. 
 
 It is not to be thought that a whole society, 
 who can cordially join in picking holes, ac- 
 cording to the old proverb, in their neighbour's 
 clothes, can long refrain from doing as much 
 for one another. Now they begin to meet 
 two and two, according to their various at- 
 tachments, and those two who happen to meet 
 together, regale themselves with a very plea- 
 sant conversation, about the faults and weak- 
 nesses of those who are absent, and thus round 
 the whole society they serve one another. By 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 229 
 
 and by it is whispered what Chloe said at such 
 a place about Phillis ; what Lucia said of Ara- 
 bella, &c. till I blow them all up in a pleasing 
 flame of resentment ; and every one says the 
 worst she knows of her neighbour, which com- 
 monly is a great deal. Out come personal 
 faults along with family affairs, and an hundred 
 etceteras, and those very ladies sit down, 
 just as the devil would have them, in impla- 
 cable hatred to each other. 
 
 Inf. I pray what do you smile at, Avaro? 
 
 Avar. I vvas thinking on an encounter, I 
 had with the devil Lunatio, whom I acci- 
 dentally met last night, with his hair standing 
 upright, and his eyes flaming with mad- 
 ness. 
 
 Fast. And pray where had that mad brain- 
 ed devil been ? What account could he give 
 of himself ? 
 
 Avar. He was quite snappish with me, and 
 run on in his discourse as if he had been very 
 angry. There, said he, is my father Infidelis, 
 there is uncle Fastosus, they reign uncontroll- 
 ed over the greatest part of mankind ; they 
 are caressed, even adored, by the most respecta- 
 ble characters in both church ajid state. You 
 yourself, groveling as you are, reign an abso- 
 lute monarch in the will and aifectionsof many 
 eminent personages ; but I ani hackneyed by 
 the basest, and when I have done, am denied 
 the honor of my labours, and people are taught 
 to believe that I reign only over the bedlams, 
 
 VOL. II. o 
 
230 DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 and other mad-houses of the world. Whereas, 
 I could make it appear to all the infernal di- 
 van, that there are people who go about at 
 large, and are deemed in their perfect senses, 
 more mad than any in bedlam. 
 
 Well then, said I, brother fiend, stop, and 
 give me a sober account of your proceedings, 
 and I assure you I shall give you all due ac- 
 knowledgment. 
 
 LuN. I have, replied he abruptly, a great 
 deal of business among statesmen, to drive peo- 
 ple to their levees, which they dearly love to 
 have crowded, and which never could be with- 
 out my assistance ; for who would attend the 
 levee of my lord Superbo, or of his grace the 
 duke of Parkland, unless he first tunned fool I 
 W^)uld any man feed on the promise of a 
 courtier, if he were not mad ? The dinner of 
 the camel ion is as weighty as the promise of 
 the greatest statesman, v/ere it even confirmed 
 by a smile of the countenance and a grasp of 
 the hand, for it all means no more, than <' L 
 am glad to see you thicken my levee." There 
 is never a levee day but I am obliged to bestir 
 myself to drive the fools together. 
 
 If the premier, or the head man of any de- 
 partment, finds himself on the decline, and 
 that he shall, Avithout some good assistance, be 
 obliged to resign ; i. e. be turned out of his 
 place, I am beseeched to procure some ver- 
 bose, intrepid scribbler, to cry up his abilities 
 and proceedings, as much superior to those of 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 231 
 
 all his predecessors, for time immemorial. But 
 a man must first be reduced lo a state of luna- 
 cy, before he will venture on a work so difficult, 
 and which is likely to be but very ill reward- 
 ed. In the first place, he is likely to have 
 truth and fact to overturn, before the end can 
 be obtained, and these you know are stubborn 
 and obstinate. In the second place, if he is 
 happy enough to succeed, and sets' down his 
 patron firmly in his chair again, he is soon 
 made to understand that his service has done 
 him little or no good ; he is thanked for his 
 good intention, but is given to know, that 
 things would have been just as they are, if no 
 defence at all had been made. If his patron is 
 turned out, the scribbler is blamed for having 
 omitted something vrhich might have been of 
 service, instead of being rewarded for what he 
 has done. So that at all events he must come 
 off loser, and thereibre none but a madman 
 will venture on the undertaking. 
 
 The lawyers also, would but for rjy influ- 
 ences, be obliged to drive teams or follow 
 ploughs; for who but madmen would ever find 
 them employment ? But in consequence of 
 their firm attachment to our government, I 
 persuade some to expose themselves by slow- 
 ness of payment of their just debts, to the 
 fangs of the lawyers ; others to quarrel about 
 trifles, and refer the matter to them for deci- 
 sion. Sometimes I advise a father to leave his 
 daughter under the guardianship of an attor" 
 o 2 
 
"232 DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 ney, or an uncle to leave his estate to his minor 
 rxcphew, under the care and inspection of a 
 counsellor ; either of which is likely to be a 
 lucrative job to the gentlemen of the law. 
 You know very well, continued he, that none 
 but madmen will ever refer their differences to 
 the decision of those gentlemen, whilst there 
 are three honest men to be met with in the na- 
 tion ; nor will any man in his right mind ever 
 leave an attorney executor to his will. 
 
 There are abundance of people who live 
 above their revenues, and others still who have 
 abundance, but dare not make use of it, dare 
 scarcely allow themselves the common neces- 
 saries of life, for fear of future poverty. I have 
 known a lady of sixty, possest of two or three 
 thousand pounds per annum, actually afraid 
 of dying for want. Those gentry are all under 
 my dominion ; besides a very great share of 
 my influence rests on many others, who are 
 grievously opprest with troubles which never 
 happen; some are so remarkably ingenious, as 
 to apprehend difficulties for themselves and 
 offsprings, for a great many years to come, as 
 if the evil of the day were not sufficient of 
 itself. 
 
 Stop Lunatio, said I, there you touch me 
 sensibly, I will not thus give up my careful 
 subjects. True, replied he, but you and I may 
 play into one another's hands. And although 
 1 allow them to be yours, it is easy to see abun- 
 dance of madness in their disposition and con^ 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS^ 23S 
 
 duct. What wisdom I pray you, is there in 
 any man's burdening himself to day, with 
 what may or may not happen a twelvemonth 
 hence? Less still in pretending to foresee what 
 may happen in future; seeing all future events 
 are locked up in the council of the eternal 
 mind. 
 
 From the thinking and careful people, we 
 BQay descend to the young and frolicsome, who 
 eager to pry into the cabinet councils of de- 
 stiny, are duped b}^ daring pretenders to sooth- 
 saying and palmistry. As if a designing gipsy, 
 or any other deceiver, could unriddle futurity 
 by the lineature of the hand. There ought to 
 be places provided in Bedlam, for all the cu~ 
 rious, who cannot be satisfied with knowing 
 the contents of to-da}'. 
 
 Wisdom will always v/ish futurity to lie ccn- 
 cealed, till occurring events disclose the my- 
 sterious page ; and moral goodness will never 
 wish, to intrude upon tiie secrets of the Al- 
 mighty ; but rest perfectly satisfied v.'ith what; 
 is revealed. 
 
 I would also have a place provided either in 
 Bedlam, or St. Luke's, for all who, upon sus- 
 taining loss by thieves or otherwise, have re- 
 course to pretended astrologers, and reputed 
 conjurers. Every body besides fools, knows 
 that the stars are dumb, and cannot speak, cr 
 that their prophels do not understand the lan- 
 guage of the luminaries. Besides it has a fran- 
 tic look to suppose; that honest Jupiter and 
 o 3 
 
£34? DIALOGUES [dial. 18, 
 
 old crabbed Saturn, with their lucid brethren, 
 have nothing else to do besides standing centry 
 on this man's horses, that woman's clothes, 
 the other girl's box, or the farmer's orchard. 
 Indeed, if the stars have any other business to 
 attend, besides watching people's moveables, 
 tlie}'^ may happen to be busy when certain rob- 
 beries are committed, and therefore cannot 
 give such clear accounts of matters, as their 
 petitioners might wish for ; and I think, none 
 but madmen v/ould spend their money upon 
 such uncertainty. 
 
 You are all alike, for laying claim to my sub- 
 jects, so that I cannot have the honor of my 
 own operations. There is my uncle Fastosus, 
 who will suffer nobody so much as to Speak 
 to him, unless he happens to be in the humour. 
 He lays claim to the discontented, whom I 
 could prove by a thousand arguments, tobe my 
 own disciples. Discontent, gives an emphasis 
 to every trouble, and aggravates every pain. 
 Would a wise man then, cordiall}^ cherish any 
 principle, which is sure to be the bane of his 
 own happiness if cherished? To Bedlam I say, 
 with all the fretful and discontented. — Make 
 haste, provide cells in St. Luke's, for all who 
 are uneasy about their countenance, shape and 
 complexion. A wise man will not be ashamed 
 of external deformity, any more than he will 
 be proud of his comely proportion. And yet 
 -Lunatio can have little honor ascribed to him. 
 
 There are people of property who sink their 
 
J)IAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 235 
 
 rents, fall their timber, mortgage their estates, 
 in giving grand entertainments to hungry visi- 
 tants and hangers-on, after the example of Ti- 
 mon of Athens, in order to be thought gene- 
 rous and great. Not once considering, that the 
 nearest way to esteem is still to preserve the 
 golden cord in the hand of the owner. Let all 
 be once spent, the insatiable hangers-on who 
 crowd the plenteous table, will drop off like 
 leaves in autumn, and if the wretch retains the 
 loving regard of Argus his dog, he must expect 
 BO more. Away with the fool to Bedlam. 
 He ought to go no longer without shackles. 
 
 Parents there are, so doatingly fond of their 
 children, that they strip themselves of their 
 possessions, in order to make them respectable 
 in the world, lon^ enough before their own 
 lives are at a period; leaving their future sup- 
 port to the good nature, and mercy of the dear 
 boy or girl, vvho it is thought are so well dis- 
 posed, as to be incapable of ingratitude to 
 those who gave them being. But let the dear 
 boy, or girl, once get the parents estate into 
 their power, and they will give them occasion 
 enough to lament their folly, when every shil- 
 ling received, shall come v/ith a very intelli- 
 gible frown. The language of v.-hich to the 
 parent is, " I wish j'^ou were once in your 
 grave." Such parents ought to be provided 
 for at the public expence, and kept in some 
 place of confinement like other lunatics. 
 
 Other parents to avoid faUing into that error, 
 o 4 
 
^36 DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 which they foresee may be productive of great 
 personal inconvenience ; with an equal degree 
 of madness flee into the opposite extreme. 
 Tliey can find in their hearts to part with no- 
 thing whilst they live ; they will find some 
 plausible pretext or other, for which they will 
 retain the soJe possession of their goods and 
 chattels ; rather than give a suitable measure 
 of parental assistance, will suffer the young 
 people to begin the world, under all possible 
 disadvantages. Send such parents to New- 
 gate, I say, for they are worse than mad. 
 
 You do me injustice again, Avaro, in claim- 
 ing the sole power to yourself, over parents, 
 who will oppress tlieir servants, over-reach 
 their neighbours, grind the faces of the poor, 
 and sell their souls to the devil, in order to pro- 
 cure fortunes for their children. This is so 
 far from answering the end proposed, in gain- 
 ing the love and esteem of the young people, 
 that it has quite a contrary tendency. The 
 greater the estate, the more impatient will the 
 heir apparent be, to be put into quiet posses- 
 sion for himself. The more there is depend- 
 ant upon the death of a parent, the more eager 
 will children be to have him out of the way. 
 So eager have some been, that they have been 
 obliged to use violence, in order to get the 
 cumbersome old man out of the world. Deli- 
 ver them up to me, Avaro, for they are all the 
 children of madness. And yet Lunatio is 
 (lecmed a foolish devil, and a son of idleness. 
 
DIAL. 18. 3 OF DEVILS. 23T 
 
 You are very prone, to ascribe to chance or 
 accident, and other such chimerical gentry- 
 v/orks, the honor of which is due only to my- 
 self. Ay, you are apt to conclude, that, there 
 is even no madness in religion. Pride and co- 
 vetousnesg may prevail ever so, but you never 
 think of madness. What less than madness 
 is it to worship a wooden Saviour, or a Jesus 
 Christ of man's making ? To adore a god that 
 has been baked in an oven ; or to pretend to 
 eat the deity ? I could open such a field be- 
 fore you, as would make you wonder at the 
 aboundings of religious madness. 
 
 Go with me to the chambers of the sick, and 
 see the v/orks of madness there performed* 
 That lady having over eaten herself at dinner, 
 finding her stomach uneasy, took a glass of 
 brandy to help digestion, after that ano* 
 ther, S:c. till she is now very ill upon it. The 
 physician is sent for, and after feeling her pulse, 
 asks her a pertinent question or two, as ! Da 
 you feel an uneasiness at your stomach, ma- 
 dam ? Does your head ach, madam ? Have 
 you a thirst upon you, madam ? You were 
 taken ill after dinner, w^ere you, madam ?" 
 He prescribes a gentle purgative draught or 
 two, to assist nature to throw off her load, after 
 having thus learned the cause of her disorder, 
 Nov/ there's an instance of a threefold mad- 
 ness for you. In the first place, although the 
 food v/as rich and delicious, it was madness to 
 <^at after nature said it was enough. Second- 
 
238 DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 ]\r^ it. was madness to pour such a quantity of 
 ^;trong liquor, into a stomach ah'eady glutted. 
 And thirdly, it was madness to send for a 
 physician, seeing she would be well enough 
 by to-morrow noon, by which time nature un- 
 assisted might have struggled from beneath 
 its burden. Shall I never have due honor 
 paid to my operations ? 
 
 This other woman before you, is indeed in 
 a dangerous fever ; but she will have no assist- 
 ance. It is only a deep cold she has caught, 
 and she hopes to get better in a day or two, 
 with care and keeping warm. By and by ; 
 when the symptoms of death are actually upon 
 her, the physician must be sent for in all haste. 
 
 And when the fever alone, is more than 
 
 nature can sustain, she must have the addi- 
 tional torment of sv^-allowing medicines, even 
 without a possibility of their being of the least 
 service. Is there no madness in this case? Is 
 it not madness to trifle with a disease in its 
 beginning, the only time perhaps, in which 
 medicine can afford relief? Is it not equally 
 madness to torment the sick, and throw mo- 
 ney away upon the doctor, Avhen the disease 
 is evidently beyond a remedy ? And yet you 
 -would exclude me from having any share in 
 the government of mankind. 
 
 No Lunatio, returned I, we do not exclude 
 you. We should even be glad to have a full 
 account of your operations in some of our 
 friendly meetings. 
 
BIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 539 
 
 Lux. I could give you such an account as 
 would surprise you all, miglu the honors due 
 to my operations be properly acknowledged. 
 But I cannot stay now, having urgent business 
 in the west end of a certain metropolis. 
 ■ Pray, cousin, may a brother fxcnd be ac- 
 quainted with it ? said I: he replied, you knau-, 
 that, almost the one half of the nation is in a 
 starving condition, and are as it were, on the tip 
 toe of rebellion. Yet in a very great strait, 
 how to act. They think it hard to famish a- 
 midst plenty ; to die of hunger whilst the barns 
 are full of corn, and the pastures are vrell peo- 
 pled with cattle ; whilst their governors can 
 afford to spend thousands at a horse race, or in 
 an evening's play. On the other hand they 
 think it hard to be shot at, by those who are 
 murderers by profession ; or to be hung up at 
 Tyburn for seeking to procure bread for their 
 families. 
 
 In this dilemma, the poor wretches are rais- 
 ing their voices to government, beseeching their 
 lawgivers, to spare so much time from their ov/n 
 pleasure and amusem.ent, as to take their wretch- 
 ed case into serious consideration, that they may 
 not die by artificiahfamine. What I aim at is, 
 to persuade those in power to treat their com- 
 plaints with neglect, and themselves, as cla- 
 morous, uneasy and turbulent people. Instead 
 of redressing their grievances, to threaten them 
 with the strict execution of the laws against 
 rioters. If I am happy enough to gain this 
 
240 DIALOGUES [dial. 18» 
 
 point, as I think I shall ; we shall soon see the 
 spirit of madness raving ail over the nation, and 
 even the wise will become fools. 
 
 Oppression you know will make even a wise 
 man mad. Therefore when their oppressions 
 can no longer be borne, there will go forth a 
 spirit of insurrection among the people ; and 
 that shall be followed by a spirit of murder,, 
 till ali the riots are sufficiently quelled, and 
 the leading insurgents punished by death or 
 transportation. Then v/ill follow a spirit of 
 emigration, and every one almost, will wish 
 himself to have been transported attheexpence 
 of government. At this very time, there are 
 not less than five hundred thousand families, 
 who are kept in their native country by nothing, 
 but the want of means to get cleverly out of it. 
 Neighbouriug nations will give all possible en- 
 couragement to the poor to settle with them, 
 every opportunity v^iJl be taken to cross the 
 Atlantic, till the nation referred to, shall be- 
 come almost, if not quite depopulated. 
 
 Now the madness of the scheme lies here. 
 The true riches of a nation are its inhabitants, 
 and the grandeur of the great, depends wholly 
 on the nunibers of those in inferior stations. 
 In proportion therefore to the oppressionsof the 
 •poor, will the nation decrease in its strength. 
 Every emigration from the mother country, will 
 either increase the number of colonists, or 
 strengthen the hands of natural enemies; of 
 course the neglect of the present complaints. 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 241 
 
 will eventually be the entire ruin of the great 
 men themselves, and the translation of the 
 empire to another, and very distant seat. Yet 
 after all, perhaps it will be alleged, that Lu- 
 natic hath no influence. But I shall raise 
 myself an immortal name, upon my own foun- 
 dation. I deign no more converse with a 
 grovelling spirit adieu. 
 
 Inf. This same Lunatio is a spirit active 
 enough, and we give him due respect ; but he 
 is like all his disciples fixt in his own views, 
 and there is no giving him' proper ideas of 
 things. I should be glad, Fastosus, to hear 
 more fully what you were saying last night 
 concerning the sadducees, it might be inform- 
 ing to these younger devils. 
 
 Fast. You know, sir, they were a set of 
 deists among the Jews, who like the modern 
 deists did not believe, that there are any angels 
 good or bad, or shall be any resurrection from 
 the dead. I did not only persuade the scribes, 
 pharisees, and doctors of the law, to lay aside 
 judgment, mercy and the love of God, in or- 
 der to establish their own traditions: but 
 wrought upon the sadducees to prefer their own 
 reasoning, to the plainest declarations of the 
 word of revelation. I assured them, that the 
 wfell informed author of the book of Job, was 
 under a delusion, when he said by the Holy 
 Ghost, '• I know that my redeemer liveth, and 
 that I shall stand v/ith him at the latter day 
 upon the earth, and although after ra}'^ skiu, 
 
2¥2 DIALOGUES [dial. 18. 
 
 worms destroy this body, yet in the. flesh I 
 shall see God." I persuaded them also, that 
 the prophet Isaiah was under the like mistake, 
 when he foretold, that death shall be swallow- 
 ed up in victory : as also Daniel who asserted, 
 " that many, who then slept in the dust shall 
 awake, some to everlasting life, and some to 
 everlasting dishonor." These, together with 
 tl:!e teolinionies of all the prophets, I persua- 
 ded them to reject, merely because ll'cy could 
 not cosnpr hend them, nor account for it how 
 the dead should rise. — -. — This you know is 
 the very reason \\\\y modern duists are plea- 
 sed, under the same influence, to deny the 
 whole system of revealed truth. 
 
 Disc. J Ivjive often feasted my mind, on the 
 pleasing prospect of that amazement and sur- 
 prise, which shall overtake those infidels, when 
 the avenues of imraortality shall open before 
 them ; and the terrors of an incarnate, a des- 
 pi-yd God and Saviour, fehall overwhelm them 
 in the floods of horrid despair. Their pre- 
 tended virtue, their philosophic fortitude, 
 thir boasted reason will fail them, when they 
 see, to their everlasting confusion that he 
 who despiseth the Son, despiseth also the 
 Father who sent him. 
 
 Fast. The deist is my faithfsjl, deluded dis- 
 ciple. Wherever you meet with a man of 
 deistical principles, you will easily discern my 
 image at large on his forehead, and my mark 
 on his right htind. Nothing but pride can in- 
 
DIAL. 18.] OF DEVILS. 24^3 
 
 duce a man, to prefer his own reason to the 
 dictates of sacred Revelation. Fastosus here 
 stopt, and seeming in a terrible agitation, thus 
 addrest his brethren. Let us flee my friends 
 — Let us flee — for yonder comes Michael the 
 archangel, and with him a numerous train, 
 with whom we are not able to contend. They 
 instantly took wing, shot through the yielding 
 air, and I saw them no more. Nor am I cer- 
 tain if I .hall ever have an opportunity of lis- 
 tening to their friendly conferences again ; 
 but if I should, as is not impossible, the public 
 iiiay expect to hear what passes among them, 
 so far as may come to the knowledge, of a 
 sincere friend to mankind. 
 
 The Llstener. 
 
 FINIS. 
 

 Date Due 
 
 
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