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 Nothing can be more various and opposite than the 
 opinions of mankind, respecting the influence and agen- 
 cy of infernal spirits. Some continualij throw the blame 
 of. their vices upon the poer devil. Take their word for 
 it, and they are, upon all occasions, the innocent dupes 
 to his subtiltj and malice. They represent him as the 
 prime agent in all their complicated scenes of wicked- 
 nes3j and would fain persuade us that, so far from being 
 the objects of our just aversion, they deserve all our com- 
 miseration and pity. From such representations one 
 would be tempted to think, that if malicious and busy 
 devils did but stay in their own country, mankind would 
 be as harmless as lambs, and every species of wickedness 
 be soon banished from our then agreeable world. 
 
 Others there be, who fall into the opposite extreme, 
 and with all their power, endeavour to clear the devil of 
 the slanders thrown upon him. Whether he hath retain- 
 ed them as his advocates, I pretend not to say : But they 
 tell you that he has no hand in all the wickedness com- 
 mitted under the sun; that it is impossible he should have 
 any influence on the minds and manners of men. Nay, 
 some go farther still, even doubt of his very existence, 
 and are confident that ail their wickedness ariseth from 
 another quarter. 
 
IV INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Mj mind, I must confess, was long agitated between 
 these widely different opinions: Now 1 verged towards 
 the one, now towards the other extreme; and for a long 
 time continued in such painful suspense, that I would 
 have given a world to have been satisfied in a matter of 
 such vast importance in human life. But at length I ob- 
 tained a full and most convincing discovery of this very 
 intricate affair, and let who will deny it, I am perfectly 
 satisfied that, however justly the guilt of men may be 
 charged on their own corruptions, infernal spirits do exist; 
 and are fully employed in forwarding their wicked de- 
 signs and purposes. Yea, I have learned so much of the 
 art and address of diabolical spirits in this matter, that as 
 I shall, I trust, avail myself much of the very singular dis- 
 covery, so, from a principle of benevolence to mankind, 
 I think myself fully justified, without further apology, in 
 communicating it to the public. 
 
 Know then, that not far from my humble cot, there is 
 a widely extended, most tremendous, and gloomy Vale, 
 first formed, as is supposed, by some dreadful earthquake, 
 or some other remarkable convulsion in nature. Tlie 
 confines of this valley, on the outside, are every where 
 nearly level with the surface of the ground; but the pre- 
 cipice within, is to the last degree horrible, insomuch 
 that few have had fortitude enough to approach it. The 
 ancient bards very justly called it Horrida Vallis, and 
 we, from them, the Vale of Horrors. This horrid vale has 
 long been supposed, by the credulous vulgar, to be the 
 haunt of infernal spirits; and some people imagine that it 
 is the only place on earth where they freely converse a- 
 bout the dark designs of their mal-ad ministration. 
 
 My curiosity continually prompting me, at last con- 
 quered my native timidity, and I resolved, if possible, to 
 find an entrance into this unfrequented, unknown, and 
 dreadful place. 
 
INTRODUCTION. ^ V 
 
 But many months, I may say some years, were spent 
 in this fruitless search, and I despaired of success. At 
 length, however, having entered a very large and unfre- 
 quented wood, one side of which led to the very edge of 
 the precipice, as I walked a few furlongs down a gradual 
 descent, gloomy beyond whatever I had seen before, I 
 came to a huge rock, all overgrown with ivy and moss. — 
 It had the appearance of an ancient ruin, somewhat in the 
 form of a pyramid; the bottom occupied a considerable 
 space, and the spiral top was hardly concealed by the 
 highest branches of the tall and aged oaks which surroun- 
 ded it. Near the ground, by chance, I discovered an o- 
 pening, almost choked up with baleful hemlock and 
 nightshade. At first I thought that this could be no other 
 than the cave of some ancient Druid; but approaching it, 
 and having, with much toil, cleared away the noxious 
 weeds, I found what 1 had long sought for, an entrance 
 into the dreadful cavity. 
 
 Here my resolution almost failed me, and I was at the 
 point of relinquishing the long projected enterprise. At 
 length I recollected myself a little, and resolved to de- 
 scend into the place, though, as I thought, not much less 
 horrible than hell. The passage, a little within the en- 
 trance, led downwards almost in a perpendicular direc- 
 tion; but its straightness, and the natural unevenness of the 
 rocks that formed it, rendered my descent more practica- 
 ble and safe than I at first expected. Down, however, I 
 went, fathoms, I know not how many, ere I found myself 
 at the bottom, and from an easy opening, entered the 
 Gloomy Vale. 
 
 Looking up, I saw rocks upon rocks projecting over 
 my timorous head; and I perceived myself to be within the 
 most hideous enclosure that sure ever mortal eyes beheld. 
 
 The vale being solitary and gloomy as death itself, I 
 said in my heart, Surely if damned spirits are permitted 
 1* 
 
VI INTRODUCTION. 
 
 to visit the earth, this must be their rendezvous, and two 
 to one I shall see some of them. I therefore observed 
 carefully my retreat, and bj several marks on the rocks 
 which formed it, I hoped that, on any emergency, I 
 might be directed to the entrance of the cave, bj which 
 alone I could return to the society of mortals. 
 
 I soon found that my precautions were far from being 
 unnecessary; for I saw, by the feeble light, which glim- 
 mered in the place, a form most frightful, making directly 
 towards me. My heart bounded in my breast with ter- 
 ror; and swift as a hare, pressed by sanguine hounds, I 
 ran to my little sanctuary. No sooner had I entered it, 
 but the fiend stalked up to the very door of it. The hair 
 of my head stood upright, the blood ran down my back aa 
 cold as Greenland ice, and I looked on myself as a dead 
 »^an; having often heard of miserable wretches being torn 
 in pieces by the talons of merciless infernals. But, as the 
 hideous form attempted not to penetrate into the cave, ncr 
 seemed at all conscious of my being there, I recovered my- 
 self a little, and reviewed it with less apprehension of 
 danger. At length he espied another of his clan, to whom 
 he called, and with whom he held the following dialogue, 
 which made such an impression on my mind, that I after- 
 wards recollected the most part of it; and here present it 
 to the worthy reader. The name of this devil, as I af- 
 terwards understood, was AvARo,and that of the other 
 F A ST sua. 
 
DIALOGUES or DEVILS^ 
 
 DIALOGUE I. 
 
 FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 
 
 AvARo. So ho! Fastosus, whither so fast at this time 
 of the morning? Be not in such a liurrj : but let a kindred 
 devil exchange a few words with you. Pray, how do 
 you do, uncle? 
 
 Fastosus. Hah! my nephew Avaro! I little thought 
 of finding you in the vale at present. But I am glad to 
 see you. Pray, how do you do? 
 
 Avaro. I thank you. sir, I am pretty well, only tired 
 with much exercise. But pray where were you going in 
 such a hurry? When I called to you, you seemed to out- 
 fly the wind ! 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, I should not be willing to 
 discover my concerns to every inquirer; but I condescend 
 to make free with you, on account of our near kindred: 
 and knowing you to be a true son of Beelzebub, I can trust 
 you with any secret. As for my present hurry, the occa- 
 sion of it is this. The right honourable Madame de la Co- 
 quette having an inclination to a suit, of some fashion never 
 before invented, was thrown into a violent fever, through 
 the dulness of the mantua-makers, who could devise no 
 cut suitable to her ladyship's desire. Finding her life to 
 be in danger, unless she was gratified, I was last night 
 despatched to hell, to procure a new pattern from the best 
 artists there; and having got it, I was going post to France, 
 to assist my lady's mantua-maker in cutting and finishing 
 it: Which done, I suppose I shall have a trip to London, 
 
8 DIALOGUES 
 
 to accommodate the countess of Prudeland with a 8uit 
 against the next court day. 
 
 AvARo. AVhat! the courtly Fastosus become mantua- 
 makerl I should never have thought of such an employ- 
 ment, for my part. You have now descended low indeed, 
 uncle! 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, your ignorance almost pro- 
 vokes me to be angry with you. But you need not be so 
 much surprised at my concerns with the mantua-makers; 
 for I assure you I am so much admired for my skill in 
 dress, by both sexes of the human race, that there is 
 scarcely a suit of clothes made, either for man or woman, 
 without my direction. Nor shall you find a peruke-maker 
 hardy enough to venture a wig on the block, ere he has 
 had my opinion of it. In short, cousin, there is very little 
 done, and in dress there is nothing done, in high life or 
 low, but I have a hand in it. 
 
 AvARo. If I have offended my honoured uncle, I hum- 
 bly beg your pardon. I assure you, I said nothing out of 
 disrespect to j'ou. We all know that your spirit is prince- 
 ly, your monarchy great, and your dominion very exten- 
 sive. But indeed I never thought of your being conversant 
 with tailors, barbers, and mantua-niakers. 
 
 Fastosus. Nay, nephew, I am not angry. Neverthe- 
 less, you ought to revere me as your elder and better, and 
 not take upon you to call in question the truth of what [ 
 say. As for the barbers, they are a set of transformists 
 established wholly by my dexterity; and but for my sov- 
 ereignty over man, these transformations had never been 
 introduced. Now the transforming trade goes on so suc- 
 cessfully, that there is reason to hope very many will t>e 
 at last transformed into the likeness and nature of our 
 sable fraternity. 
 
 AvARo. Pray, uncle, be not angry with me, if I do not 
 spe.ik altogether as you would have me,* for you know I 
 never had any inclination to learning or politeness; and I 
 cannot help expressing my wonder at ^ome things you say. 
 Besides, I am amazed to see you look so thin; why you 
 look like a skeleton! What have you been doing, or 
 where have you been.^ By your looks, you might have 
 travelled barefooted to the holy land, or crept on your 
 hands and feet to Medina, and wept forty days by the 
 tomb of our dear friend Mahomet. You have not been on 
 pilgrimage, sure! 
 
OF DEVILS. 9 
 
 Fastosus. I thought, from what 1 had said, you iDight 
 have known that I have not been on pilgrimage very lately: 
 Though, I assure you, I have often travelled to Jerusalem 
 and to Mecca as a guide to those holy pilgrims. There 
 is not one of all the bare-legged travellers, who will stir 
 their foot from home, uiitil their good friend Fastosus is 
 equipped in palmerian habiliments, to press forward in 
 ■ihe van as their protector. Nor are these pilgrims my 
 only vassals; for the superstitious, of all denominations, 
 have with one consent devoted themselves to me. 
 
 AvARo. Well, but, uncle, I am sure they worship me 
 with sincere regard, as well as they do you; and I either 
 attend them in person, or pour my influences upon every 
 one of them, in all their religious journeys to Jerusalem, 
 Mecca, or elsewhere. 
 
 Fastosus. It may be so, Avaro; but their prostitution 
 to covetousness hinders not their devotion to pride; for I 
 have conducted many of this fraternity to the supposed 
 sepulchre of Jesus of Nazareth, who, in their own opinion, 
 were made so holy thereby, that w4ien they returned to 
 their native country, they thought the earth itself unwor- 
 thy to bear the pressure of a foot, which had trod the 
 threshold of the adored sepulchre. These religious ad- 
 ventures (especially if they obtain some precious relics, 
 of which there are great store in Palestine) generally lift 
 them so far above their fellow-creatures, that thencefor- 
 ward they can hold no intercourse with the common peo- 
 ple, lest their supposed spotless garments should be pol- 
 luted with worldly filthiness. Nor is it uncommon for 
 these fantastical devotees to imagine, that by their jour- 
 neys to Judea they have gained considerably above the 
 price of heaven. So that when they come to die, they 
 nave holiness sufficient for themselves, and a handsome 
 legacy to bequeath, as a help-out to some poor brother, 
 who loves home better than the holy land. 
 
 Avaro. Aye, Fastosus, but then you may thank my bro- 
 ther Falax and me for your Jerusalem journeys: None of 
 them would have been instituted but through falsehood, 
 deceit, and covetousness. And I really think that we did 
 excellent service to the great Beelzebub and the sublime 
 port of hell, in imposing that cheat upon mankind. 
 Though, by the way, one would wonder that the reason- 
 able mind should be so easily deceived, seeing; there ia 
 
10 DIALOGUES 
 
 nothing in any of these pilgrimages, that has so much as 
 the appearance of religion. 
 
 Often have I laughed in my sleeve to see the poor pil- 
 grims with holy awe and profound reverence, approach a 
 log of rotten wood, fully believing it to be part of the cross 
 on which Immanuel was crucified. Oh! how have I seen 
 them congratulate themselves on their supposed happi- 
 ness, if by any means they had procured a diminutive 
 chip of an old gate post, from the hand of a venerable 
 priest, with his holy word upon it, that it was part of the 
 cross! And, to speak the truth, which you know I am not 
 very fond of, these reverend gentlemen have words and 
 wood equally plenty; for when one log is sold off, they 
 immediately replace it with another; so that this market 
 will not stop for want of merchandise whilst there is a 
 tree left in the forest of Lebanon. I would not, on any 
 account, that the world should know that the traffic in 
 relics is all a cheat, by the help whereof my dear children, 
 the Jerusalem priests, get more money for chips of rotten 
 wood, than the greatest merchant in Norway gets for his 
 masts, and yards, &c. 
 
 Fastqsus. By what you say, and I own it to be right, 
 cousin, you and I must share the persons and divide the 
 gpoil betwixt us, on the day of reckoning. You and cou- 
 sin Falax have laid the snare very craftily, and I, by my 
 haughty influences, drive the fools to it. Good Avaro, 
 your game would not go well without my assistance; and 
 while you and I continue to play into each other's hand, 
 we can readily bring the two fools to meet, each deceiv- 
 ing and being deceived. I mean, we can bring the covet- 
 ous fool and the credulous fool together. The credulous 
 deceives the covetous fool with his money, and the covet- 
 ous deceives the credulous fool with his rotten wood. 
 Dear Avaro our work goes forward apace, and we shall 
 have them both at last. 
 
 Avaro. No doubt of it, Fastosus; for both the covetous 
 and over-credulous are ours, by common consent. Our 
 game could not well go better than it doth at present; for 
 all ranks and degrees of people are subjected to our po- 
 tent sway. No doubt but you have heard of that noble 
 piece of architecture called the Triple-Crown, which I 
 and my brother Falax made for our worthy friend and 
 iteadfast ally the pope of Rome. 
 
OF DEVILS. 11 
 
 Fastosus. Heard of it! Surely I have. Was not I the 
 principal person concerned in the work? But, Avaro, you 
 nave an ugly way of denying people the due honours of 
 their labour. But for me, his Holiness would never have 
 thought of such an invention. And as I had the prin- 
 cipal hand in it, I aver, that the best mathematician in hell 
 could not have invented a more excellent piece. I have 
 tiiought, ever since, that the artful Falax acted his part 
 with as much dexterity, in the formation of that capital 
 ornament, as when he and we assisted our venerable 
 friend, Mahomet, in composing the Alcoran. But the 
 chief beauty of it was, to see our hoary friend, the pope, 
 with greater confidence than if he had been one of our- 
 selves, exalt the papal chair above all that is called God. 
 So that now, in the sense of the Romish impostor, saving 
 and damning depend no longer on the justice and mercy 
 of the Eternal, but upon the will and pleasure of him who 
 fills the infallible chair. 
 
 Were we any thing but Devils, whose hatred to Truth 
 is implacable, it would have grieved us to see how she 
 sighed and sobbed, as if her heart would break, when the 
 impostors assumed the character of infallibility. She 
 knocked with violence at the gates of the bishop's palace: 
 but there was no admission for her there. She begged 
 and prayed that the inferior ranks of the reverend clergy 
 would receive her: but no one of them would suffer her 
 to come under their roof; so that the poor heaven-born 
 lady swooned in the streets, and there was none to assist 
 her. Her eyes became as fountains of briny tears, trick- 
 ling down her radiant cheeks,* her locks were dishevelled, 
 and her apparel hung dangling around her. In this mourn- 
 ful plight she went through all the streets of the mystic 
 Babylon, uttering her lamentations in every public place, 
 and in every concourse of the people. But, as in former 
 times, she had piped to them, and none of the worshipperi 
 of the Beast would dance; so now she mourned to them, 
 but none of them would lament. She stretched forth her 
 hands all the day long, but none of them would attend to 
 her; the venerable pope, father of the world, having pub- 
 lished a decree that none of them should suffer her under 
 their roof, nor administer the least comfort to her in her 
 calamity, under pain of the Rack, the Gibbet, the Wheel, 
 or Fire and Fagot Yea more; when his Holiness saw 
 the importunity of Divine Truth, and perceived that she 
 
12 DIALOGUES 
 
 would be a perpetual thorn in his side, if not timely and 
 wisely prevented, by forcing her out of the world, he clad 
 himself in Vulcanian armour, and sought for her in every 
 corner of Babylon; when he met with her, launched his 
 fatal spear with papal force against her, that wounding 
 her so deeply, she fainted and fell to the ground, and no 
 doubt had died if she had not been immortal. When the 
 most holy bishop had thus deprest her, he cried out in 
 devilish triumph. '• 1 am the successor of Peter, the vicar 
 of Christ, the pillar of truth, the porter of heaven, and the 
 supreme head of ihe church.'^ At which words, Truth 
 entirely disappeared, and to this day has not been suf- 
 fered to set one foot within the limits of the papacy. 
 
 AvARO. It was a noble enterprise,* nothing could exceed 
 it I am persuaded, that the man who was in-dwelt by 
 our brother Legion, and resided among the tombs, was ne- 
 ver capable of coming so near to us devils in cruelty, de- 
 ceit, and falsehood, as that same venerable man, his infal- 
 lible holiness, hath upon every occasion. 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, Legion, though a many- 
 viced devil, is but a fool, when compared to his holiness; 
 but it is highly necessary that he should be well qualified 
 in devilism, seeing he is appointed Beelzebub's great vice- 
 gerent in the Christian world. 
 
 Avaro. Great are the abilities requisite to such a sta- 
 tion; and his holiness po«sesseth them liberally. Did you 
 ever hear, Fastosus, the manner in which our Italian suc- 
 cess was received by Beelzebub the great, and his infernal 
 nobility? 
 
 Fastosus. I suppose I have; but I have so many things 
 to think of that at present it has escaped my memory^ 
 therefore, if you remember it, I shall be obliged to you 
 for the recital. 
 
 AvARo. With all'my heart. I assure you it is well 
 worth your hearing, for thereby it appeared that his infer- 
 nal majesty liad the deepest sense of our services, and 
 conceived the strongest hope of the increase of his king- 
 dom from the alliance formed betwixt the sublime port of 
 hell, and the apostolic chair at Rome. 
 
 As soon as swift- winged Fame arrived at the gate, 
 known by the name of earth-gate, she knocked violently, 
 as you know is customary with her upon any emergent oc- 
 casion. Gur friend Cerberus, the porter, no sooner saw 
 that it was Fame, but he immediately sent a messenger to 
 
OF DEVILS. 13 
 
 court, to inform his majesty and peers that the ambassa- 
 dress Fame was arrived. In shorter time than a lawyer 
 could frame a lie, hell was all in an uproar, every inhab- 
 itant being big with expectation of some important news 
 from our friends on earth. Fifty of the nobility were des- 
 patched from court, to congratulate Fame on her arrival, 
 and to conduct her in state to the court-end of the city. 
 The miglity Beelzebub ascended the flaming throne, to 
 receive the ambassadress with imperial grandeur^ and as 
 soon as slie arrived, she was introduced to his sublime 
 presence, by Lucifer, prime minister of state, and in full 
 court related all that had passed concerning the change 
 at Rome in the system of religion: which desirable news 
 was received with all the demonstrations of joy damned 
 spirits are capable of. Fame having finished her relation, 
 the mighty prince, who sat on the stupendous throne, ar- 
 rayed in all the majesty becoming his elevated station, 
 lifted his warlike arm, w'aved the imperial sceptre for au- 
 dience, and thus addressed his courtiers, his eyes blazing 
 as burning furnaces while he spake: 
 
 '• My lords, my brethren in sovereignty, and sharers of 
 ray glory, from the just sense I have of your steady at- 
 tachment to my interest and government, as hath always 
 appeared from your unwearied study, as far as possible, 
 to destroy the creatures of our arch-enemy, whom, con- 
 strained, we call the Almighty, and prom.oting to the ut- 
 most our common interest among mankind.: from such 
 considerations, I cannot forbear congratulating your high- 
 nesses on the happy turn our affairs on the earth have ta- 
 ken, by the indefatigable pains and vigilant endeavours of 
 our worthy friends and genuine descendants, Fastosus, 
 Avaro, Falax, &c. &c. as appears by the report you have 
 just now heard from the mouth of our swift- winged am- 
 bassadress. Fame. By the industry of those worthy spi- 
 rits, worms of the earth are wrought up to such a degree 
 of pride and self-conceit, as to undertake enterprises that 
 we, who are of angelic race, could not accomplish^ yea, 
 even to assume prerogatives which never once came into 
 our minds. My noble lords, there is reason to believe 
 that this revolution will prove a leading step towards a 
 very plentiful harvest. I signify therefore as my will and 
 pleasure, that your highnesses take special care that the 
 lodgings at the court-end of the city are kept in due re- 
 pair, as henceforth we may expect at every term numer- 
 2 
 
14 DIALOGUES 
 
 ous shoals of popish priests, of all ranks, to take up their 
 residence with us; and you may be sure they will take it 
 very ill if they are not accommodated according to their 
 quality. 
 
 '' I think, my lords, it is worthy of observation, that 
 all the missionaries we ever despatched among the hea- 
 thens, could not prevail with poor pagan priests to aspire 
 to that degree of impiety which the pope hath now as- 
 sumed. I hope, my lords, that truth and holiness are in 
 a fair way of being banished from the face of the earth; 
 for I am persuaded that this universal father, his cardi- 
 nals, legates, and bishops, will exert all their influence to 
 promote our interest in the suppression of our enemies." 
 Having said this, a flaming billow rolled over the imperial 
 seat, and so stunned the good old prince, that he could 
 speak no more for a season. 
 
 Fastosus. All those things I well remember, now you 
 have mentioned them. But I want to know what you 
 have got in that leather bag. You are not become nailer, 
 sure? 
 
 AvARO. This bag, sir, contains a thousand pounds, 
 which a certain attorney, a dear child of mine, wants to 
 have deposited in some place of security, as he has not at 
 present an opportanity of putting it out to generate, an 
 increasing faculty with which all his other cash is endued. 
 This same gentleman is a person of great worth, ready to 
 assist the rich and great, provided always that his good 
 deeds are handsomely rewarded. But so cautious and 
 prudent is he, that he utterly abhors parting with even so 
 small a pittance as a guinea, to relieve a poor distressed 
 tradesman; and indeed for this very sufficient reason, that 
 he cannot, in such a case, obtain land security for his 
 money; so that if the poor man is ever so honest and in- 
 dustrious, he must even reconcile his thoughts to a dun- 
 geon, or seek relief from another quarter; for our worthy 
 lawyer would part with no money to deliver him frora it. 
 His present fear is, lest any of his poor neighbours, know- 
 ing that he has plenty of money by him, should, by their 
 pressing solicitations, over-persuade him to part with a 
 little to help them in their distresses; for he, like many 
 other honest men, is determined to keep what he has got, 
 if one half of the parish should die for want of bread. 
 
 Fastosus. By your description of the worthy lawyer 
 I may expect his children as my pupils after his decease, 
 
OF DEVILS. 15 
 
 I warrant me, Avaro, before their father is half consumed 
 by the worms, I shall have them bowing and cringing to 
 me as their god. I have remarked^, for some thousands 
 of years, that when the parents have worshipped the god 
 Avaro, bj giving themselves up to covetousness, for the 
 most part, after their decease, the children have made 
 choice of me and our cousin Profanity for their patrons. 
 Surely, if covetous parents knew what courses children 
 would follow when their heads are laid low in the grave, 
 and their souls still lower in hell, they would quarrel with 
 their god Avaro, or die with grief on the prospect. 
 
 Avaro. Aye, uncle; but there is not one of all my nu- 
 merous disciples who knows me by my proper name; and 
 I am by far too subtle for them to find out the cheat. My 
 English vassals, for instance, commonly worship me un- 
 der the false names of industry or frugality, prudence or 
 laudable care; but there is not one of them v\ho can be 
 prevailed with to believe himself a worshipper of the 
 devil Avaro, which is, you know, my true and proper 
 name. 
 
 Fastosus. Nothing equals our success; for you damn 
 the parents by covetousness, and we damn the children 
 by pride and profanity. Good Avaro, we have them hip 
 and thigh; it is but a few of all the mundane race that we 
 lose; and those also we should have, if they were not for- 
 cibly taken from us. But this is one comfort, that if we 
 must have the mortification of seeing any of the human 
 race get safe to heaven, we have also the pleasure of dis- 
 turbing and distracting their minds on the journey; and 
 many of them we bring to the stake or gibbet, under the 
 direction of our good friend Crudelis, who presides over 
 these hells upon earth, known by the name of the holy in- 
 quisitions. 
 
 Avaro. Hells, did you say? Right, hells indeed! One 
 holy inquisitor goes beyond an hundred of our fraternity 
 in the art of cruelty, which you know is the first of the 
 learned sciences at Rome. Such wonderful inventions of 
 torturing:, one would have thought, could never have been 
 contrived. What ingenuity does the rack display! How 
 excellently formed for exquisite torture I What an apt re- 
 semblance of the infernal furnace is the dry-pan! A con- 
 trivance worthy the most skilful among the Beelzebubian 
 artists. But their watery torment, the gag and pitcher, is 
 what raises them most in my esteem. Almost every block- 
 
16 DIALOGUES 
 
 head hath some notion of a hell of fire: but it is peculiar 
 to the AilW of an holj inquisitor to contrive a hell of wa- 
 ter. In this, Fastosus, we must all knock under to them, 
 for indeed thej are our betters. And, to enhance their 
 merit, their torments are inflicted upon the unhappy- 
 wretches, who fall into their hands, under a show of the 
 greatest sanctity towards God, and pity to the unhappy 
 victim of their crueltj-. And so very strictly do they and 
 their assisting familiars observe the rules of inviolable 
 secrecy, that the world can never know the hundredtli 
 part of their villany. 
 
 Fastosus. Secrecy is indispensably necessary to a peo- 
 ple so much devoted to our interest as the worthy inquisi- 
 tors and the rest of the Romish clergy are. Were it 
 known to the world what methods they take to aggran- 
 dize themselves, and support the papal hierarchy, the 
 cheat would be discovered, the fabric would fall to the 
 ground, the craft by which they have their wealth would 
 soon be at an end, and their reverences be brought into 
 contempt. 
 
 Certainly the great Beelzebub will deal gratefully with 
 the holy father at Rome, and his cardinals, inquisitors and 
 bishops, when they arrive in hell. For my own part, I 
 steadfastly believe that if our good friends the popes and 
 inquisitors are not served below their quality, they will 
 be put in possession of the seats on the right hand of his 
 majesty's throne, as our friend Mahomet and his mufties 
 were in those on the left. And when their extraordinary 
 merit is considered, our infernal nobility will have no 
 J eason to grumble at their advancement; for nothing less 
 can be deemed adequate to their uncommon merit and 
 usefulness in confirming our dominion over mankind. 
 And so fervently have they our interest at heart, that it 
 would be very extraordinaiy indeed if any of them should 
 be lost, and fall short of our dreary abode. 
 
 AvARo. The basest ingratitude to use them otherwise, 
 Fastosus. For my own part, I shall always give place to 
 a pope or inquisitur, and I think it is the duty of all our 
 sable fraternity so to do; for when their inferior species is 
 considered, it will appear that they not only vie with, 
 but even exceed the most dexterous among us in many 
 things. 
 
 Fastosus. I am thinking, Avaro, of the easy station 
 you have got, in comparison of mine. You are concerned 
 
OF DEVILS. 17 
 
 but with a few, I am concerned with every one. You 
 chiefly serve the higher ranks of people, but I am hack- 
 neyed night and day by all sorts of men, from his holiness 
 the pope to the hermit in his cell, from the queen on the 
 throne to Bridget the farmer's maid . But was it not that 
 I find my account in it, and by that means am adored as 
 a divinity, my princely mind would never submit to such 
 constant drudgery. 
 
 AvARo. Good Fastosus, I speak it with reverence, but 
 you are exceedingly mistaken in my business. I assure 
 you it increaseth every day upon my hands, and requires 
 very constant application: insomuch, that for these twelve 
 years I have not had time to close my eyes for one re- 
 freshing nap. Ah, uncle! I am concerned with, and for 
 many; and with none more than with the sons of the 
 mystic whore. This old bawd, with the scarlet gown, 
 hath many children, who swarm as locusts along the face 
 of many European countries, and eat up the good of the 
 land before them. And there is not one amongst them 
 who knows how to spend a day without my company. 
 M'hen I would gladly lay me down for a little rest, one 
 or other of them conjures me up to inquire after pay for 
 this funeral mass, that dispensation, or the other pardon; 
 for, you may know, that with them there is nothing to be 
 done without ready cash, for they never give credit. 
 
 Fastosus. That old proverb, " Money answereth all 
 things," seems well adapted to the tenets of jour disci- 
 ples, Avaro. 
 
 AvARO. Wonderfully adapted, sir! very wonderfully 
 adapted; for money forwards their devotion vastly, and 
 helps them strangely on in their w^ay to heaven. ' Dear 
 children of mine 1 own them to be! for notwithstanding 
 their pretended love to devotion, and the souls of their fel- 
 low creatures, if a poor man, travelling from earth to 
 heaven, should happen to be arrested by any of the offi- 
 cers of purgatory, (who make it their business to way-lay 
 traveller^,) and be turned over to the tormentor?; if such 
 a man has not left a sufficient sum for purgatorial masses, 
 and no well-disposed lay person is found to supply the de- 
 ficient assets of the prisoner, he may lie, if it be possible, 
 until he is burned to tinder, ere any parson of the convent 
 will put one hand to help him out of those dreary flames. 
 But, on the other hand, if a sufficient sum is left for 
 masses to be said to the lady of Loretto, St. Dominick, 
 2* 
 
18 DIALOGUES 
 
 St. Dennis, or any other eloquent saint, all the parsons 
 will apply as cheerfully as young dromedaries, and put 
 their shoulders to the work, like so many bulls in a yoke, 
 until they have cleared him of his prison. You may al- 
 ways be sure that with them, according to the well-known 
 proverb, *' It is money that makes the mare to go." 
 
 Fastosus. I pray you, Avaro, where does this same 
 purgatory stand? I have often heard of it, but never could 
 meet with it, either in this or the other world, notwith- 
 standing I have sought it with care. 
 
 Avaro. You have sought for it in the wrong place, un- 
 cle; you should have ransacked the brains of the pope 
 and his clergy; for there, and no where else, the chimera 
 is to be found. It is only a scheme to get money, that I 
 contrived for them; and hitherto it has answered our 
 highest expectations; for by this craft the parsons have 
 great emolument. 
 
 Fastosus. This I do know, that nothing is more at- 
 tractive of the attention of their reverences than brilliant 
 gold; for the sake of which, systems the most absurd are 
 imposed upon mankind, with the sanction of priestly 
 authority. Indeed, it is presumed that tliese holy men 
 will authorize nothing but what is lucrative. O the won- 
 derful trade of priestcraft? Indeed, Avaro, I begin to 
 think you a devil of good abilities, and an honour to the 
 race of Beelzebub. 
 
 Avaro. I am highly obliged to you for your good opi- 
 nion, sir; and assure you, that were you acquainted with 
 the system of our government, I should go near to rivet 
 myself in your esteem; an honour which I much desire, 
 and in order to which, I shall relate a certain atfair which 
 wonderfully displays the genius of priestcraft, and gives 
 the most just idea of the doctrine of purgatory. 
 
 Fastosus. I shall be glad to hear it another time, cou- 
 sin; but for the present I must be gone, to forward my 
 lady's robes; for the mantua maker dare not touch them 
 before my arrival at Paris. Exactly four hours hence X 
 shall give you the meeting;. 
 
 Avaro. I shall think of the appointment, uncle. Suc- 
 cess to your enterprise. 
 
OF DEVILS. 19 
 
 DIALOGUE II. 
 
 FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 
 
 Beixg acquainted with the appointment, I chose to 
 wait for their coming; but was so alarmed at what I had 
 heard and seen, that I lurked close in my retreat, not dar- 
 ing to attempt any discoveries. At the time appointed, 
 I perceived them walking up the valley; and as they drew 
 near, 
 
 Fastosus said, Yes, Avaro, I assure you there was great 
 joy in the court of Versailles on account of my arrival, 
 and that both amongst the French and English ladies; the 
 latter of whom are the humble servile imitators of the 
 former, which tends so to chagrin some, and give pleasure 
 to others of them, that by this means contentions run very 
 high among the French ladies. One part complains of 
 the English, as no more than the apes of the French; 
 these are they who Avould monopolize all the finery to 
 themselves; therefore their censure of the English ladies 
 is not to be regarded. The others boast of their superi- 
 ority, and are not a little proud of their dominion over 
 the fair Anglicans, who, they suppose, dare not attempt 
 to introduce so much as the pattern of a head dress, until 
 it hath had the approbation of the French. But to drop 
 this for the present, Avaro, I shall be glad to hear the 
 story you mentioned before we parted. 
 
 Avaro. It was this, sir. There was a gentleman in 
 Provence, a steady member of the holy Roman catholic 
 church, who died lately, and as soon as dead, his pious 
 relations made his death known to their reverences the 
 priests, in order to procure their good offices in behalf of 
 their departed friend, whose soul, it was upon no ill ground 
 feared, was hardly white enough for heaven, and would 
 therefore be obliged to call at purgatory, for an effectual 
 cleansing, ere he could proceed further upon his journey. 
 The venerable priests no sooner heard of the gentleman's 
 death, than they prudently began to consult the good of 
 the church, and what means appeared to them the most 
 likely to feather their own nest; as this must needs be 
 done, either by the life or death of the laity. This being 
 their sole intent, it was unanimously agreed to refer them- 
 
20 DIALOGUES 
 
 selves to my direction, and an interview in the apartment 
 of the principal was requested. Being at that time in the 
 neighbourhood, I immediatelj granted their petition, and 
 presented myself among them in the principal's chamber, 
 a place very familiar to me. The reverend old father was 
 no sooner aware of my arrival, than he arose from his 
 seat, fell prostrate before me, to do me humble greeting, 
 withal expressing the most grateful sense of my care and 
 condescension, in coming so soon to their assistance. 
 
 Humble salutation past, the principal addressed me in 
 the following learned manner: *' Worshipful Prudence,*' 
 for that is the name I am known by among them, " we 
 have an affair of great importance to lay before you; and 
 with the profoundest humility will we thank you for your 
 advice." 
 
 Fastosus. Nay, Avaro, if you talk any thing about that 
 same humility, I will not stay a moment longer, for I hate 
 the nature of it. 
 
 AvARO. You need not be offended, sir, for the gentle- 
 mea in question have as little of that as your heart could 
 wish for. It is not the nature, but the mere name of hu- 
 mility, which serves the purposes of priestcraft, and which 
 he and his brethren so much admired. And you know, 
 sir, that the name without the nature of humility is no- 
 thing but pride in disguise. 
 
 Fastosus. Well, 1 am glad they have no more of it; 
 for that Humility is a fellow whom I abhor; but 1 thank 
 my stars it is very seldom that I meet with him; however, 
 when he and I do meet, we as naturally quarrel as the 
 elephant and the rhinoceros. 
 
 Avaro. I assured them of my assistance, and the old 
 parson went on with his story. '•' 01 thou priest-govern- 
 ing spirit, said he, thou must know, that about eleven of 
 the clock, last night, a neighbouring gentleman went out 
 of this into the other world, leaving behind him an estate, 
 upwards of ten thousand pounds per annum, devolving to 
 an only son, and to this convent has left no more than 
 fourscore crowns, for the salutary work of delivering his 
 poor soul from the dreadful flames of purgatory. 1 do not 
 Know, indeed, but our great lady, whom we serve, might 
 be satisfied with half the sum; but we, thy servants, are 
 not 80 easily pleased. It is our pious desire to procure as 
 much of the young man's estate as by any means we can, 
 for our own private use, as none of us can tell what we 
 
OF DEVILS. 21 
 
 may want before we die. Besides, we do not know but 
 so large an estate, devolving unincumbered upon him, 
 may be the means of ruining the soul and body of the in- 
 experienced youth. Now, we, as the holy guardians of 
 his salvation, think it necessary, for the good of his soul, 
 to cut otFas much as we can of the fuel of his lusts, well 
 knowing how dangerous riches are to the laity. Thus, 
 great patron, I have revealed the pious intent of our vene- 
 rable brotherhood; and, lovely spirit, if thou canst by thy 
 advice serve us in this matter, we entreat thee to do it; 
 for our eyes are to thee, and our hearts are open to re- 
 ceive thy instructions. 
 
 Fasi osus. Who could have thought, Avaro, of any of 
 your disciples being exposed to such exalted piety? How- 
 ever, it was piety of the true Romish stamp, greatly ad- 
 mired by the venerable clergy. 
 
 Avaro. "Well, said [, most reverend father, let not 
 your pious mind be afflicted about the young gentleman's 
 soul. Let you and your worthy brethren observe ray in- 
 structions, and I shall undertake to put you in possession 
 of the greatest part of his estate; which, as you justly ob- 
 serve, will greatly redound to the safety of his soul. 
 
 Be sure that you bury the old gentleman with as much 
 seeming sorrow and devotion as might be expected from 
 a well paid parson; yea, with as much feigned courtesy 
 to the heir, as if the deceased had left you live hundred 
 pounds. Then be sure to say mass for liim to your lady, 
 St. Dominick, St. Francis, or to the saint of your convent, 
 as soon as possible. That being done, let a skilful mes- 
 senger from your reverences v, ait on the son and heir, to 
 tell him that, alas! his poor father is got much deeper into 
 purgatory than was expected, on account of some sins 
 which he had concealed from his confessor; which sins, 
 because they are hidden, will take a great deal of burning, 
 unless expiated in time by frequent masses. Tell hini 
 that you are not certain, but you hope, about two hundred 
 crowns, laid out in masses to some favourite, loquacious 
 saint, may go near to procure his deliverance. This news 
 will probably so surprise the youth, that the messenger 
 will receive the money, and his hearty prayers into the 
 bargain; for if he is a good churchman, it will not be easy 
 to persuade him that your reverences only aim at picking 
 his pockets. 
 
 Having received the money, you must take care not to 
 
22 DIALOGUES 
 
 go any more to the young gentleman, until the time that 
 all the masses might have been said: then go to him 
 again, and tell him that bj fervent application you have 
 at last got his father's soul within a few yards of the sur- 
 face of the flamesj that you cannot possibly restore him an 
 inch farther until more masses are said for him,* and that 
 you think an hundred crowns worth more may, in all pro- 
 bability, clear him. This being received, take care not 
 to visit him again too soon, but wait until another quan- 
 tity of masses might have been said. At a proper time, 
 go to him again: expatiate much upon the piety of your 
 brethren: tell him that, by their endeavours, "his father 
 was quite discharged from the court of purgatory, and was 
 just going to be turned out at the heaven-end of the town, 
 when it happened, most unluckily, that there came up the 
 soul of a woman whom he had debauched in his life-timej 
 that this malicious woman had brought an action against 
 him, the bill was found, and the poor old gentleman con- 
 demned to fiercer burnings than before, which may last 
 for many years, unless a speedy supply of money is grant- 
 ed to procure friends in heaven to intercede for his re- 
 lease. This scheme will procure you double the former 
 sums. You know, father, hidden sins take a great deal of 
 burning. 
 
 Six or eight months afterwards go to the young gen- 
 tleman again, and tell him that you laid out his last money 
 to the best advantage^ that with it you procured half a 
 dozen of the best orators in heaven to plead his father's 
 cause, who, by their fervent supplications, had at last 
 prevailed; that the old gentleman was delivered from his 
 torments, and was led in triumph to the gates, to be des- 
 patched immediately for glory. But, as his unlucky 
 stars would have it, just as the porter opened the gate, 
 there came up the soul of a mendicant friar, whom the old 
 gentleman had in his life-time unhappily Jaeat, and now 
 openly accused him of this almost unpardonable crime: 
 on which account he was remanded back to more exqui- 
 site torments than ever. Tell the young gentleman that 
 this unhappy accident caused such grief to the brethren, 
 that there is hardly any one of them able to say Ave- 
 Maria; and that some of them intend, as soon as their 
 strength will admit, to go to Jerusalem, to try if by any 
 means they can procure his deliverance at the holy cross 
 or sepulchre. 
 
OF DEVILS. 23 
 
 You know very well, reverend father, in what tender 
 and pious strains to tell your story; and to make it pene- 
 trate the deeper, you can shed a few crocodile tears over 
 it. If you manage wisely, you may, in this case, sell 
 your tears at more than a crown each. Be sure thus al- 
 ways to find out some impediment or other to the old 
 man's release. You may bring him often to the gates, but 
 if once you let him go through, all your hopes are over 
 from this quarter. Care should also be taken to inform 
 the young heir of the tremendous curses the pope has de- 
 nounced against those impious children, who enjoy their 
 wealth and ease, whilst they suffer their poor unhappy pa- 
 rents to lie roasting in purgatory, rather than pay the 
 priests for delivering them. 
 
 Fastosus. Aye, Avarol But what if the young gentle- 
 man should have sense enough to see through the villany 
 of the parsons, and courage enough to refuse the money? 
 How then, cousin.'^ 
 
 AvARo. That was what I was going to tell you, sir. 
 For, continued I, if, sir, young 'squire Great-purse should 
 have sagacity enough to see through your scheme, and 
 deny you the money, let one of your most devout breth- 
 ren assume the ghost, from night to night haunt his dwell- 
 ing, and, in an articulate manner, utter, in the name of 
 the father deceased, the most dreadful curses against his 
 undutiful son, who possesseth a large estate in peace and 
 pleasure, whilst his poor father lies broiling in the flames" 
 of purgatory. 'By these means you may procure either 
 all or most of the estate to yourselves. 
 
 Fastosus. An excellent scheme! and, from what I have 
 known of those reverend worthies, exactly suited to their 
 taste and principles. 
 
 AvARo. It was so, as you shall hear; for I had no soon- 
 er finished, but the aged father, who was not likely to 
 live to say many more masses, arose, and, with tears in 
 his eyes, thanked me a thousand times for my cordial ad- 
 vice, protesting that nothing could be better adapted to 
 the end proposed, or more agreeable to the principles 
 both of him and his brethren; assuring me that they 
 would follow my directions as invariably as Saturn does 
 his orbit. 
 
 Fastosus. By this account of the Romish priests, it ap- 
 pears that they are at no loss for merchandise. Purga- 
 torial fire, holy water, masses, dispensations, pardons, 
 
£4 DIALOGUES 
 
 &c. are commodities which do not require a Tery large 
 capital, and yet are attended with considerable profits. 
 The great parsons, over and above the tythe of the lands, 
 have very advantageous craft by this means. But, be- 
 tween you and me, cousin, it is all the merchandise of the 
 scarlet strumpet. 
 
 AvAiio. It would be dangerous to our interest if the 
 world should know the truth. Then our great vicege- 
 rent would be worshipped as a god no more. The won- 
 drous beast, which ascended out of the sea of ignorance 
 and error, would be torn limb from limb, and his carcass 
 given to the hawks and ravens. 
 
 Fastosus. So then I find you are a papist as well as 
 me. I myself have large concerns among the clergy, and 
 with none more than his holiness the pope, the great par- 
 son at Rome: the parson of the parsons. This universal 
 parson, though he pretends to be descended from Peter, 
 my enemy, hath conceived such a good opinion of my 
 abilities, that he will not make a decree, nor publish a 
 bull, until I have put the finishing hand to it. You know, 
 cousin, that I am none of those who are backward in show- 
 ing their opinion, but readily dictate to all who refer 
 themselves to my direction. As to his holiness, notwith- 
 standing he is the father of the whole church, he is my 
 humble servant, and, as I said before, consults me upon 
 all occasions. The advice that I give, in general, is, that 
 by all means he take care to keep up his authority over 
 the consciences and liberties of mankind 5 and the same 
 advice I give to the clergy in general. Hence every 
 parson attempts to reign, within his own district, despotic 
 and supreme over the consciences of the people, who are 
 obliged, under pain of damnation, to honour him as the 
 plenipotentiary of heaven, and the arbitrary distributer 
 of blessings and curses. I advise his holiness, at all 
 events, to support his infallibility beyond the scriptures 
 of truth, and his supremacy above the laws of God or 
 man. This same advice I whisper in the ear of my clergy 
 in general, who, to a man, agree that the scriptures shall 
 not pass with toleration, unless it is dressed in the garb 
 of their interpretations. As such, and only as such, it is 
 imposed on their parishioners. The good old vicar never 
 contradicts any thing I say, notwithstanding he knows, at 
 the same time, his pretensions to be a cheat; but, to the 
 utmost of his power, follows the directions of his adored 
 
OF DEVILS. 25 
 
 Fastosus; and never did mortal man show more implicit 
 obedience to the monarch of darkness. 
 
 AvARO. So then the popists worship his holiness the 
 pope, and he worships the devil Fastosus. Is not this the 
 sjstem of the popish divinity in a few words, uncle? 
 
 Fastosus. It is so: and a system adhered to by many 
 who are called protestants. For, with such love to wealth 
 and honor have you and I inspired them, that although, as 
 reasonable beings, they must know that the Almighty 
 Ruler will bring their ways into impartial scrutiny, and 
 judge them for their fallacious guile; yet, for the sake of 
 wordly riches and honour, at all events, they resolutely 
 follow our directions. 
 
 AvARo. Aye, sir, that is the heaven of the priests. They 
 both seek and have their reward. The fat of the land is in 
 their possession, and tiiey are honoured as the directors of 
 conscience. And yet they are the successors of the apos- 
 tles, who had neither silver nor gold ; and yet they are the 
 ministers of Jesus, who would not receive honours from 
 men. And yet they are the most humble creatures that 
 ever lived; and yet it is death to contradict them. 
 
 Fastosus. Having made sure of the mighty father of 
 the world, his holiness of Rome, to join issue with us in 
 promoting our interest among men; I have an excellent 
 device to insure all the other ranks of his dependant clergy 
 to our interest likewise. The patriarchs and cardinals are 
 sure to prove loyal to the pope, and, of consequence to 
 us, from a hope, which I have inspired each of them with, 
 of one day ascending the papal throne himself. The loy- 
 alty of the archbishops is insured by the hope of a cardi- 
 nal's hat, and their right reverences the bishops, are sure 
 to remain inoffensive animals, in hope of attaining in some 
 future period, the archiepiscopal dignity. The same de- 
 vice runs through all the other ranks of the clergy, and 
 thereby they are all rendered my humble servants. By 
 these things it appears that we are likely to have a very 
 plentiful harvest. 
 
 AvARo. Doubt it not, Fastosus. Beelzebub's regions 
 will be well provided with gentlemen in holy orders, who 
 are so dexterous in managing the cheat, that it is carried 
 on, unperceived by their adorers. Look ye, Fastosus! 
 who comes.^ It is Crudelis! Where do you think that 
 deformed spirit can be going now? 
 
 Fastosus. He is on the scent of blood, I warrant him. 
 3 
 
S6 DIALOGUES 
 
 By his nature he might have been got bj a panther, and 
 nursed by a mountain bear. 
 
 AvARo. Let us call him, sir; perhaps we may learn 
 some news of him. So, ho! Crudelisj what, not a word 
 with you? 
 
 Crudelis. Hah, gentlemen! are you here? I did not 
 think of meeting with you, my dear friends and fellow 
 destroyers. How do you do, Fastosus? And how do you 
 do, Avaro? 
 
 Both. We are pretty well, cousin; only jaded a little 
 with a constant application to business. But pray, Cru- 
 delis, how have you been employed of late? 
 
 Crudelis. Employed, do you say? Never fear me. I 
 have not been idle, I assure you? Do you suppose that I 
 can pick up no game in Britain, in this golden age? If 
 you do, you are greatly mistaken. It is true, that some of 
 the late kings of England have been my avowed enemies, 
 and as far as in them lay, have expelled me the kingdom. 
 But be they as vigilant as they will, I find opportunity of 
 breaking through the fences which they have reared against 
 me; when you may be sure, if I cannot get great, 1 pick 
 up small game, of which I can only give you a very small 
 specimen at present. In one place I persuaded an ambi- 
 tious child to poison, or otherwise kill, an old cumbersome 
 parent, who v/ill not die without violent measures. I 
 prevailed with a rogue, in another place, to despatch his 
 woman, and her brat, to preserve his own reputation and 
 estate. In a third, I stir up an ambitious servant to kill 
 and plunder his master. And frequently I can prevail 
 with one gentleman to kill another in a duel, on some 
 punctilio of false honor. And sometimes I persuade the 
 despairing wretch to lay violent hands on himself, destroy 
 his own miserable life, and by doing so, enter upon ano- 
 ther infinitely more miserable. Then I take to my heels, 
 and am followed with a hue and cry all over the nation. 
 But thank you, I am too swift for them all. I never gire 
 them time to say, "Crudelis is here." But they often 
 say, ''These are the tricks of that horrid devil, Crude- 
 lis." 
 
 Yesterday I wasattendingadael, which I myself stirred 
 up, (as I suppose you know that all duels are of my insti- 
 gation,) so it was here; I persuaded the gentlemen com- 
 batants to fight with sword and pistol, hoping that both 
 ivowld have f4lleii in the action. But though my design 
 
OF DEVILS. 27 
 
 "was good, as ill-luck would have it, it miscarried, and only 
 one of them bit the ground. However, I am not without 
 hope that the other will be hanged for the murder, and, if 
 80, then I have my design. I assure you, gentlemen, I 
 used my utmost endeavours to throng the nether regions. 
 O, my brother destroyers! I could tell you such stories as 
 would make you bless yourselves, and adore the prince 
 Crudelis. These are but trilling things, thrown in to whet 
 ;^our appetite against the next opportunity. Then you 
 Vnall hear. But for this time I must be going. Adieu, 
 gentry, for I smell blood at a distance. 
 
 Fastosus. It is amazing what power this deformed fiend 
 hath obtained over mankind. Vv'hat ills, so very difter- 
 eut from the principles of humanity, he hath by his bar- 
 barous insinuations introduced. What is very surprising, 
 he hath made mankind more cruel to one another, than 
 we infernal spirits are among ourselves. He stirs them 
 up to destroy and devour one another: But we are never 
 known to quarrel among ourselves, nor to make war upon 
 our own race. Be that the part of foolish man: We dev- 
 ils are masters of better policy. This very Crudelis him- 
 self, sanguine as he is to devour blinded mortals, lays 
 aside all his voracity, when he joins our black assembly, 
 and is as tame a devil as any of us. Well may you and I 
 destroy with success, when such a deformed lump of hell 
 as Crudelis, is made welcome among them. 
 
 AvARO. But with your leave, sir, as Crudelis is gone, 
 let us resume our discourse. I remember, before he in- 
 terrupted us, you briefly hinted that you were somewhat 
 addicted to religion, and that you are a papist too. I was 
 never wont to consider you as a religious devil; much less 
 did I think that you assumed to yourself any of those dis- 
 tinctions, which divide the professedly Christian world. 
 I thought, formerly, that the great Fastosus had dwelt 
 only in king-s' courts, with people of soft raiment, and 
 occasionally waited on the nobility and gentry, at their 
 country seats. What! the devil Fastosus a papist too.'^ 
 
 Fastosus. In reality, Avaro, (to make use of a human 
 phrase) your ignorance is enough to provoke the very 
 devil. Do you not know yet, if I were not jack of all 
 trades and religions, I could never maintain my sway 
 over men as I do. I have very great concern in religious 
 •matters, I assure you, and that among more denomina- 
 tions than some people like to hear of. Sometimes I am 
 
28 DIALOGUES 
 
 among the Pagans, worshipped as an arch-flamin, and pre- 
 sident of all their religious orders. Very frequently I 
 have the honour of filling the papal chair. Then I am 
 adored under the venerable names of Pius, Innocent, 
 Benedict, &c. accounted the universal pastor, head of the 
 church, and father of the whole world. Occasionally I 
 sit as judge in the holy inquisitive tribunal, where Con- 
 cupiscentia and I are adored as divinities. Now I am a 
 holy musselman, and styled, his reverence mufti, Muly 
 Alab. Then, before you are aware, I am shut up in a 
 cloister with the nuns; and friars, whom 1 make more 
 proud of their pretended chastity than a thousand saints 
 are of their real graces: On such occasions, I am known 
 by the name of the venerable matron Humility. It hap- 
 pens, also, that I am obliged to metamorphose myself into 
 a capuchin, or a Palmerian friar, and in that show of self- 
 denial I beg my bread from door to door: By these means 
 I teach the fantastical devotees to be more proud of their 
 awkward form, and voluntary humility, than a wise earl 
 would be of all his landgraviate. Anon, I change my 
 station, and find myself an abbot of a convent, where my 
 depending priests and brethren worship me under the 
 name of the holy father. Then, very soon after, you 
 will find me attending the worthy confessor in his visita- 
 tion: When, to be sure, I persuade his self-conceited re- 
 verence that he is well nigh as pure as tije mest holy 
 mother pope Joan, a fortunate lady, who, a few centuries 
 ago, became head of the church, and mother of the whole 
 world. The hermit, in his cell, on the mountains of 
 Ararat, frequently offers his adoration to me, and, for my 
 part, in return for his obsequiousness, I am in no v^ise 
 sparing of m.y exalting influence. I persuade the world- 
 abdicating wretch that his solitary residence in that holy 
 asylum, far more than merits a mansion in heaven; and, 
 at his peril, that he stir not one foot from thence, to go 
 down into an ungodly world: The mountain top, or a cell 
 in the desert, being the best place imaginable, in which 
 to merit everlasting glory. The worthy hermit admits 
 my doctrine to be true, his favourite passion is gratified, 
 and he obeys implicitly my directions. 
 
 AvARo. Then his eremitical reverence never questions 
 the goodness of his heart, I perceive. He knows not that 
 he carries a spring of iniquity within himself, even to th© 
 desert, or the mountain's top. 
 
OF DEVILS. 6D 
 
 F'ASTOsrs. No, no, he fears no evil fronivs ithln. If he - 
 gets to a distance remote enough from the rest of mankind, 
 he can repose the greatest confidence in his own heart; 
 and thereby proclaims his folly to all the world. I as- 
 sure him, that if he will remain duricg life in his cell, 
 when he comes to die, he will have holiness sufficient for 
 himself; and a large redundancy, by which he may help 
 some poor friend out of purgatory. 
 
 AvARo. Hey dayl how different was Paul's doctrine 
 from yours and the hermit's, Fastosusl He asserted that 
 by the works of the law no flesh living should bejustified; 
 but you and he believe that by the works of the law a 
 man may be more than justified. Yea, that by observing 
 of things no where commanded in the law, such as forsak- 
 ing society, counting beads, and mumbling prayers, he 
 may not only justify himself, but help another to justifi- 
 cation. 
 
 Fastosus. Ay, Avaro, the hermit believes so; but for 
 my part I believe no such thing. I know better, though 
 1 thus delude him. But to pass on with my story, I can 
 tell you, I have a good deal of employment among your 
 disciples, cousin, and with them I work wonders of com- 
 pelled generosity. I meet with many, who never had the 
 heart to perform one virtuous, benevolent action, whilst 
 health continued; who, when they perceive that they must 
 come ta a reckoning in t!ie other world, are very assidu- 
 ous to have their accounts balanced aforehand. I per- 
 suade them to leave a massy sum to this hospital, to the 
 other parish, or to certain meeting houses. When I thus 
 direct the will of devotees, one leaves gold enough to build 
 a chapel for our lady, a second doth the like for St. Peter, 
 and a third for St. Dominick. But in general they are 
 most fond of saints of their own rearing; the greatest part 
 of whom are now m.ade constellations in the nether sky, 
 and courtiers to the prince Beelzebub. Ask you me, 
 Avaro, what end the testator has in those pious legacies.'' 
 I tell you, by this time he sees that the manner in which 
 he got and kept his money has not the least tendency to 
 save him from destruction, and he knows but one way to 
 avert the impending judgment; that is, to leave his so and 
 so gotten money for the good of the church: and that, he 
 is told, never fails to sanctify every measure taken to pro- 
 cure it. Some of these deluded testators are not without 
 hope that, in some future period, their names will be en- 
 3* 
 
so DIALOGUES 
 
 rolled in the pope's bible, and their shrines adored in the 
 Christian pantheon, at Rome, where all tlie gods of the 
 papal hierarchy are enshrined. 
 
 AvARo. Good Fastosus, I really think that, if the pa- 
 pists would act in character, they should dedicate their 
 temples to St. Judas, St. Demas, St. Demetrius, St. Alex- 
 ander the coppersmith, &c. for they are the genuine off- 
 spring of those celebrated heroes. 
 
 Fastosus. Their very descendants, cousin. You and 
 I, who know what we see, can discern no essential differ- 
 ence between the holy Roman catholic religion and that 
 of the ancient pagans. It was the most excellent device 
 imaginable to introduce paganism under the specious show 
 of orthodox and infallible Christianity. And I can tell 
 you, there is no essential difference between the popish 
 religion, and that of some sects of very staunch protest- 
 ants; but these things we must keep to ourselves; for I 
 would not, for ever so much, our people should know that 
 the popish religion is diabolic. 
 
 AvARO. I should be glad to hear it made out, uncle, 
 how the religion of some protestants is much the same 
 with that of the papists: this being well cleared up, will 
 yield me great pleasure. 
 
 Fastosus. I can clear it up, Avaro, and shall, at a time 
 convenient; but not now. I must go and put the finish- 
 ing hand to my lady's robes. To-morrow I shall meet 
 you here: Adieu. 
 
 AvARo. AVell, seeing my uncle is gone, I'll go and hide 
 the lawyer's money in a place of safety, and return to 
 some business which I promised to transact for my worthy 
 children. 
 
 DIALOGUE III. 
 
 INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR. 
 
 The way being clear, by the departure of Fastosus and 
 Avaro, I came out of my lurking place, in order to make 
 what discoveries I could in the valley, which I now knew 
 to be a rendezvous for those evil spiriits who so dreadfully 
 
OF DEVILS. SI 
 
 have enslaved mankind. I had not gone far, before my 
 alarmed imagination transformed every thing 1 saw into 
 a devil; the croaking of the raven was as dreadful as the 
 voice of a hobgoblin; and the shrieking of the owl as 
 terrible as the roaring of ApoUyon. Every distant bush 
 seemed to bear the aspect of some devouring fiend, so 
 powerful was the influence of my imagination. Curiosity, 
 however, had still the ascendency over my fears, and I 
 wandered from place to place, seeking for something new. 
 At length I saw, at some distance, a tall gigantic form, 
 slowly moving towards me. A form nearly as huge as 
 the steeple of St. Cuthbert's church, at Dulmensis. Every 
 time he contracted his extensive chest he darkened the 
 air with the breath which issued from his expanded nos- 
 trils, as pillars of smoke from the chimneys of a fire-en- 
 gine. Smaller streams of the same darkening vapour 
 came curling forth from his arm pits, and every pore of 
 his skin, so that wherever he came he blackened the air 
 around him. 
 
 Now, thought I, my life is not worth two-pence, if yon- 
 der demon lay hold on me: therefore I ran with full speed 
 to the cliif of the rock, where I had lurked so secure be- 
 fore,* and having taken sanctuary in the subterraneous 
 cell, I gathered so much courage as to peep out, that I 
 might learn what was become of the terrible monster. 
 I saw that he was got almost to the door of my cave. 
 Frightened I was, you may be sure; nevertheless, I com- 
 forted myself with the thought that such a tremendous 
 bulk could not enter my narrow retreat. He said to him- 
 self, (his voice as he spoke resembling hollow thunder) 
 *' 1 thought I had seen the honourable Fastosus, and the 
 careful Avaro, walking here just now; but I might be 
 mistaken; or if they have been here, they are gone on our 
 great father's business, no doubt. Well, seeing it is so, 
 1 will take a turn or two in the vale, and then return to 
 my business again." 
 
 Notwithstanding all the tremor of my mind, I was 
 eager to know what he was, and how he came hither, but 
 durst not discover myself, lest he should prove a devil of 
 the cannibal kind, which, if he should, I thought that he 
 would, scarce make one mouthful of my diminutive car- 
 cass. But when he mentioned going to business again, I 
 queried whether he might not be one of Vulcan's smiths, 
 come out of the forge to take a refreshing walk; then I 
 
52 DIALOGUES 
 
 recollected, and asked myself, *'If he is one of the Cy- 
 clops, hovv came he to be acquainted with the devils Fas- 
 tosus and Avaro?" 1 continued in this dreadful suspense 
 for some time, until at last seeing one of his companions, 
 he entered into discourse with him. I found that his 
 name was Infidelis, and that of the other Impiator. 
 
 Infidelis. Impiator, my child, hovv do you do? I am 
 glad to meet my son in the vale of horrors, in so lucky an 
 hour. 
 
 Impiator. Hah, my worshipful father, Infidelis! Am 
 I so happy as to meet with you here? My venerable sire, 
 how do you do? 
 
 Infidelis. I thank you, son, very well. Notwithstand- 
 ing my great age, and hurry of business, I do not find the 
 least decay in my constitution, but rather seem to grow 
 stronger; and indeed there is a prediction on record, that 
 I shall be strongest at the last. 
 
 What pleasure does it give me, my dear Impiator, to 
 hear that you are so successful in ensnaring the minds, 
 and corrupting the morals of mankind, throughout every 
 nation of the world. If what I hear of you be true, you 
 approve yourself a right chip of the old block. I rejoice 
 that some of all ranks and degrees of people are so sub- 
 jected to our sway. I am told that many, even of the 
 professors of religion, fondly caress you, my son. 
 
 Impiator. Indeed, sir, it must not be denied that my 
 kingdom is in a growing condition all over the world. I 
 think I was hardly ever so much, and nevermore, caress- 
 ed than I am now. Even in pagan nations, heretofore 
 remarkable for uprightness and temperance, I have in- 
 troduced the fashionable vices of the Christian world: so 
 that an Indian will drink and swear even with an English- 
 man, and lie and cheat as fast as a Gaul or a Hollander. 
 Greatly am I beholden to a certain company for instruct- 
 ing the eastern world in the learned arts of violence, ra- 
 pine, and murder. Not to dwell, however, on the con- 
 version of the pagans to the vices of nominal Christians, 
 much improvement has been made even in Christendom 
 itself, of which, take the following instances, out of many 
 that might be given. 
 
 It is not a vast number of years since your son Impia- 
 tor was held in perfect disdain in Scotland; but now I 
 have chosen many legions of the Caledonians for myself. 
 I think I ought rather to say, that being quite tired of the 
 
OF DEVILS. S3 
 
 service of Sobrietj, a prince of another family, they made 
 choice of me for their ruler. But you know, fatlier, that 
 I am no scholar, tlierefore improprieties in my speech are 
 not at all to be wondered at. However, I have reduced 
 the Scotch to such a veneration for my once hated person, 
 that they have cordially embraced the ornamental vicea 
 of the English nation; such as sabbath-breaking, whoring, 
 drunkenness, swearing, gambling, &c.; but whether they 
 will be as successful in obtaining pensions from the gov- 
 ernment, after they have gambled away their estates, is 
 not so easy to determine. The conquest of the Scotch, 
 sir, is the more agreeable to me, because, as 1 said, there 
 was a time when those vices were hardiy so much as 
 known in that country. Now, who but Profanity in all 
 their towns? Nor am I without my worshippers in the 
 country, even among their presbyterian parsons them- 
 selves. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Glad am I that my lovely child has subdued 
 the stubborn Scotch. For I well know that the presby- 
 terians there resisted your influence long after I had 
 erected my standard in the land; yea, after multitudes 
 flocked to it, and swore allegiance to the great Infidelis. 
 But how, my son, hast thou so happily accomplished this 
 change? 
 
 Impiator. Really, sir, I obtained help from a quarter 
 "whence there was not the least reason to expect it. I 
 mean from the parsons, the spiritual guides of the people. 
 It happened thus: The parsons of the kirk quarrelled 
 among themselves, and divided into two parties. One of 
 which forsook their mother kirk, and very solemnly de- 
 livered up the other party to the devil; on^the Other hand, 
 the reverend gentlemen, who abode in the kirk, in the 
 like spirit of devotion, delivered up the schismatics, par- 
 son and people, to Beelzebub. Beelzebub, who you know 
 is never backward in receiving a gift of this kind, finding 
 that all the presbyterians in Scotland were thus in full 
 tale made over to him, laid his hands upon as many of 
 them as he could conveniently reach, and made such use 
 of them as greatly assisted my operations. Little was 
 now to be heard in the pulpit, except railing, scolding, 
 calling ill names, and tossing anathemas from one party 
 to the other. Thus, while they went on bandying curses, 
 we went on persuading the people that religion is a farce, 
 and that true happiness consists in present gratification; 
 
34 DIALOGUES 
 
 and this doctrine, readily affecting the heart and senses," 
 was eagerly received, and my government established. 
 
 IxFiDELis. It was a favourable juncture indeed; and I 
 have often remarked, that if there was any turn of reli- 
 gious affairs much in our favour, for the most part, we 
 have parsons to thank for their assistance in it. Many 
 instances of this might be given. But I pray thee, my 
 son, didst thou ever hear of my original, and the nature of 
 my government? 
 
 Impiator. No, not I, indeed. You know, sir, I was 
 born with evident signs of stupidity, and therefore could 
 never read; and, to tell you the truth, all my cares are in 
 the present tense, without inquiring into either originals 
 or terminations. 
 
 Infidelis. All this I know, my child. But, as we are 
 secure from mortal auditors, being in Horrida Vallis, if 
 you can spare a little time, I will give you some account 
 of my rise and progress. Perhaps it may have a happy 
 tendency to promote your destructive designs, and so 
 strengthen the pillars of the elevated throne of great Pro- 
 fanity. What I relate you may depend upon for truth: 
 for, although we seldom speak any thing but lies to man- 
 kind, one devil may well enough depend upon the word 
 of another. 
 
 . Impiator. Yes, that we may, sir; and I presume if 
 mankind were to hear what passeth at our private confe- 
 rences, they would not continue long so fond of our ser- 
 vice as they are at present. As to your story, sir, I am 
 ready to hear it. Perhaps, as you say, I may profit by it. 
 
 Infidelis. Well then, my son, you will observe that 
 I am of a very great age, well nigh as old as the world, 
 which you see is worn quite threadbare, and will in a lit- 
 tle time be folded up as an old garment of no use. As to 
 my original, I can tell you that I am well descended; of 
 royal lineage, I assure you. Great Beelzebub himself 
 begat me, and my sister Ignorantia, on Eve, the mother 
 of all living on earth. When I came to years of matur- 
 ity, he gave me Ignorantia, my fellow twin, to wife; 
 and by her I had you, with your worthy brethren, Avaro, 
 Falax, Crudelis, and your sisters, Perfidia, Concupiscen- 
 tia, &c. At the same time my elder brother, Fastosus, 
 who had Inscientia, a lady of remarkable beauty, given 
 him to wife, begat on her Ambitiqsus, Contumax, Discor- 
 dans, and their sisters Malevolentia, Iracundia, and a 
 
OF DEVILS. 55 
 
 large train of excellent worthies, famous in the annals of 
 the nether regions. 
 
 As soon as 1 was born I stood up like a stupendous wall 
 betwixt the Creator and the creature, so that blessings of 
 a spiritual kind could not descend from God to man, nor 
 could obedience ascend from man to God. One of the first 
 things I did was to maim their moral powers, and accom- 
 plish an union betwixt them and my great father Beelze- 
 bub. Such an union I did establish, as nothing natural 
 fchall ever be able to dissolve. 
 
 Impiator. Hal my sire, you began very early indeed. 
 You spent little idle time in your infancy; and proved 
 very successful in your first enterprise too! 
 
 ixFiDELis. I have no reason to complain for want of 
 success, I assure you. But you shall hear. The very 
 moment I was brought forth, the great Beelzebub gazed 
 upon me with all the admiration of a father iafernal, and 
 said that I was the loveliest babe his eyes ever beheld. 
 Multitudes of his sable menials, flocking together, were 
 likewise astonished at my beauties. Such majestic grace 
 displayed itself in my countenance, though then but an 
 infant, that all agreed " I was father's own child." More- 
 over, such were their hopes of my usefulness, that great 
 Beelzebub and his peers did v.hat they could, sparing 
 neither pains nor expense, to have me tran^orted to hell, 
 to be nursed up at the infernal court, believing that my 
 presence would greatly alleviate their distress, and pre- 
 vent their trembling on the thoughts of futurity. But my 
 constitution being altogether earthy, it was found by expe- 
 rience that the infernal air was too hot for me, and that I 
 could not live within the confines of the damned. Earth, 
 my child, only earth is my habitation. Here I was born, 
 and here I suppose I must die. 
 
 Lmpiator. With your leave, father, I think I have 
 somewhere heard, that all who are now the inhabitants of 
 the deep are unbelievers. How comes this to pass, if the 
 great Infidelis cannot live in those torrid regions. 
 
 Infidelis. I perceive, child, that you are no great pro- 
 ficient in theology. As for me, I have dealt against di- 
 vine matters all my days. It is your province to coun- 
 teract moral principles, not interfering much with things 
 divine; and my province to oppose truth, rather than pro- 
 mote immorality; therefore 1 shall inform you how it 
 iiomei to pass. Know then, that what a man is when he 
 
36 DIALOGUES 
 
 dies, such he is in the eye of the moral law to all etemitjj 
 for. death casts the die, and in the same posture in which 
 the tree falls it must lie forever; but with unbelief they 
 never more agree. For instance, many of them, whilst 
 on earth, could not be prevailed on to believe that there 
 is a God; but in hell they are feelingly convinced of the 
 truth of this doctrine. Now they believe that 'there is a 
 terrible God, and that they are fallen into his dreadful 
 bands. Search hell through all its corners, ransack every 
 furnace in the fiery world, and you will find never an 
 atheist therein. Others, whilst on earth, were not quite 
 so stupid as to imagine that this beautiful world, and all 
 things therein, came into existence of themselves, and 
 that the economy of nature is wholly efiected by chance: 
 therefore they assented to the being of God, but deemed 
 it enthusiasm to suppose that this God should subject his 
 creatures unto a written law. They sneered at the au- 
 thority of the scriptures; ridiculed every part of insti- 
 tuted worship; and gloried in their infidelity. But now 
 they are sentenced to hell, and have had a specimen ef 
 eternal torment, they most sincerely believe tlie veracity 
 of the scriptures, finding themselves to have been judged 
 according to what is written in them. Others, whilst 
 health and strength continued with them, supposed God 
 was only jesting when he threatened the sinner with the 
 vengeance of eternal fire; but now they are in hell, en- 
 during that vengeance, they verily believe that he was in 
 earnest. In short, son, many of them disbelieved that 
 there is either God or devil, heaven or hell; but now all 
 these things are certain, even to demonstration, with them, 
 they having been driven to associate with the peers of 
 darkness. 
 
 The very best of historical faith is to be found in hell. 
 There are millions now inhabiting there, v.'ho, when on 
 earth, could boast that they had good hearts, and believed 
 well all their days, but who never began in reality to be- 
 lieve the report of the bible, until they tasted the sulphur 
 of the lake. Then they believed very sincerely, though 
 very much against their inclination. Now do you un- 
 derstand me, when I tell you that unbelief cannot live in 
 hell? 
 
 Impiator. Yes; but you amaze me, sirl I never heard 
 so much before. What a learned devil you are! The fa- 
 mous pope Helibrand himself could not have discussed the 
 
OF DEVILS. St 
 
 subject with greater accuracy. One may see from you 
 what it is to be conversant with popes, councils, convoca- 
 tions, and the clergy. But in our country all the conver- 
 sation runs upon horse-coursing, card-playing, cock-fight- 
 ing, fox-hunting, \^hore-making, swearing, lying, cheat- 
 ing, and drinking. Not a word about religion, unless it is 
 to damn the parson for a sanctified hypocrite. And more, 
 sir, I never knew that I had so many brethren and sisters 
 before. Right well I knew that I was begotten by you; 
 but I looked on myself as your only son by Ignorantia, 
 my mother. Those honorable spirits, vvhom you mention 
 as my brethren, I always took to have been sons to Beel- 
 zebub, your brethren, and my uncles. I should never 
 have thought of a fraternal relation subsisting between 
 them and myself, in any other way than co-operation. 
 
 Infidelis. You have been greatly mistaken, Impiator; 
 for Beelzebub never begat a son besides myself and my 
 brother Fastosus, who is something older than 1. 1 am 
 aware that there are some who allege that Contumax, 
 Crudelis, Discordans, &c. are the natural children of the 
 great Beelzebub; but it is a mistake, for they are only his 
 grandchildren, sons to my brother Fastosus. The very 
 m§ment that Contumax was brought forth, our great fa- 
 ther Beelzebub, with all his adherents, were cast down 
 from the ineffable heights of primeval glory, to the depths 
 of bottomless perdition; and, according to a certain his- 
 torian, were nine natural days in falling. Now, my dear 
 Impiator, by this account, Contumax is your cousin, and 
 my nephew. So that you are not only a brother in govern- 
 ment with those illustrious princes, but sprung from the 
 game famous ancestors with them. 
 
 Impiator. Indeed, sir, I am astonished at your story; 
 but you know that I am no scholar, and that ought to ex- 
 cuse for my ignorance of matters so profound. Besides, 
 such things very seldom make a great impression on my 
 mind, being quite out of my latitude. However, I should 
 be glad to know how your extensive government was 
 established. 
 
 Infidelis. How it elates my mind to hear my dear 
 Impiator express desire after instruction! I will inform 
 you as far as I myself have known. My kingdom, which 
 is indeed extensive, was established as follows. As soon 
 as I was born I began to call in question the truth, good- 
 ness and authority of the Almighty; and in every respect 
 
 4 
 
S8 DIALOGUES 
 
 set myself to oppose the Eternal, by contradicting everj 
 word which he spake to man. 
 
 For instance, when God said to man, " Thou shalt not 
 eat of the fruit of such and such a tree^" although then in 
 my infancy, I stepped up to man, and thus interrogated 
 him: Hath God indeed said so? are you sure of it? are 
 you not mistaken, think you? You must needs have mis- 
 understood him; for it cannot be consistent with the good- 
 ness of such a being as God is, to forbid your eating the 
 fruit of such a divine tree. And as God had said, *' In 
 the day you eat thereof you shall surely die," I address- 
 ed myself to man after this manner. Die tool nay, ye 
 shall not die. That is only an empty threatening, to keep 
 your conscience in awej for God doth very well know, 
 that if you eat of that precious fruit ye shall be gods, like 
 himself, having knowledge of good and evil. For this it 
 is that he hath prohibited the use of this divine tree. My 
 brother, Fastosus, also performed wonders on this occa- 
 sion. By these means 1 brought over man to my obedi- 
 ence. Thus I established my interest upon earth, and 
 hitherto I have maintained it. With safety may I say that 
 my good friends, both parsons and people, to this day, 
 love me as their lives, and at any time sooner take the 
 bare word of the adored Infidelis, than the word and oath 
 of the God of Heaven. 
 
 Impiator. Why, sir, you began from a child to work 
 the delightful works of darkness. 
 
 Infidelis. Yes, I am the eldest of all the Beelzebubian 
 offspring, Fastosus alone excepted; and I yield, in point of 
 government, to none of the princes. Fastosus and I, in- 
 deed, have a dispute between us concerning the extent of 
 our earthly territories. I can freely allow him the pre- 
 eminence with respect to his angelic dominions, but I can 
 never be brought to own that his sway over mankind is 
 more extensive than mine, nor yet more sovereign. I 
 yield to none in this debate; for all men are concluded 
 under my government: And what makes greatly for my 
 interest is, that the far greater part of them cannot be per- 
 suaded that I have any real existence. Thus it is, mj 
 dear Impiator, I reign almost universally over mankind, 
 and they perceive it not. Many thousands of those good 
 people, who believed nothing of my existence, and who, 
 in their own imagination, had believed well all their days, 
 have I conducted very safely down to the dark abodes of 
 
OF DEVILS. 89 
 
 tttr-growing anguish; within which thej were bo sooner 
 entered, and began to taste of the entertainment, than 
 they were fully convinced they had never believed aright. 
 It is the unparalleled dexterity of our administration, 
 that all our works are performed in obscurity. And let 
 me tell thee, child, it will require a better light than any 
 natural ray of the human understanding to trace and de- 
 tect our deep intrigues. Thus far with respect to myself 
 and government. 1 shall take it kind if you will, in your 
 turn, oblige me with some account of yours, my son. 
 
 Impiator. Yes, sir, your command sir Jl be instantly 
 obeyed; yet upon this condition only, that you excuse 
 my inaccuracies; because I know myself to be the most 
 illiterate devil of the fraternity, and cannot speak like the 
 courtly Fastosus, the reverend Infidelis, or the intelligent 
 Falax' 
 
 Infidelis. No apologies, Impiator. We all know that 
 neither you nor your disciples have any taste for learn- 
 ing. Tlierefore we expect not to hear you speak as an 
 orator, but as a plain, illiterate devil. 
 
 Impiator. Then I proceed. My kingdom doth not 
 consist of all the land known by the name of Impiety- 
 Real, as some geographers allege, several provinces being 
 made over by treaty to my uncle Fastosus; such as the 
 provinces of Civility, Legality, Presumption, and Form- 
 ality. I reign openly only over the land called Impiety- 
 Enormous; and in our country the laws are as black as 
 the bottomless pit; for there iniquity is established by au- 
 thority. As to the rest of my kingdom, it was, like all 
 the branches of Beelzebub's government, accomplished by 
 subtility and guile. F'or man, considered simply as a 
 creature, could never have been subjected to my sway; 
 for this reason I was put to my shifts to find out some 
 proper method for introducing my regal power. 
 
 So violent was the opposition to it, that my brain was 
 put to the utmost torture; and, after all, I should have 
 been obliged to return to my native country, with my 
 finger in my mouth, had it not been for the timely assist- 
 ance I received from my worthy friends and relations. 
 My good old mother, who, you know, hath an excellent 
 hand at a dead lift, by means peculiar to herself, kicked 
 up such a dust as almost put out the eyes of one of the 
 most vigilant and formidable of my numerous adversa- 
 ries: a captain, from whose hand I had much to fear. His 
 
40 DIALOGUES 
 
 name was Intellectus. From that tirae to this, he hath 
 been incapable of discerning my deformities, and the 
 danger to which men are exposed by mj dominion. And 
 what makes very much fur me, the old gentleman can 
 hardly be persuaded but his eyesight is now as good as 
 ever it was. I need not tell you the advantages that re- 
 sulted to me from this his deception. At the same time 
 my worthy uncle, Fastosus, came up to the second, a 
 sturdy chief, whose name was Volens, as tradition says, 
 and he gave his back a most dreadful wrench, insomuch 
 that he has ne^ *:• recovered his former posture. I myself 
 took a poisonous, or rather an intoxicating apple, and, 
 having gilded it over with leaf-gold, presented it to the 
 third, whose name, if I remember right, was Rationalis. 
 It answered my expectation. He swallowed the bait, and 
 ever since has called bitter sweet, and sweet he hath called 
 bitter. 
 
 This triumvirate being thus disabled, I found my con- 
 quest extremely easy: and, without any struggle on the 
 part of the rest, I confined them to incessant labour and 
 drudgery in the different parts of my extended territo- 
 ries, where they are as content as possible with their con- 
 dition, many of them believing they are still in the garden 
 of paradise. 
 
 Infidelis. Indeed, learned or unlearned, you display 
 uncommon merit. Great is my honour and happiness in 
 having such a son. The potent Impiator will do honour 
 to the venerable name of Infidelis to the end of the world. 
 AVell, my son, will you please to proceed? 
 
 Impiator. Perhaps you have heard that my kingdom is 
 divided into several cantons, according to the disposi- 
 tions of my subjects, each canton having its proper em- 
 ployments. ' 
 
 1. There is the canton of drunkards, out of which I se- 
 lect all my courtiers, and officers in general. This can- 
 ton has several communications with all the other parts of 
 my dominions; and this we call the royal canton. 
 
 2. There is the swearer's canton, a set of people the 
 most unaccountably foolish of all my subjects; but a peo- 
 ple very profitable to our government. 
 
 3. There is the canton of thieves, to which all pilferers, 
 robbers, gamesters, and deceitful dealers belong. A very- 
 populous and splendid canton this is. 
 
 4. There is the liar's canton. These are a people poa- 
 
OF DEVILS. 41 
 
 sessed of (wo tongue?; a people who have very much of 
 the features of great Beelzebub; and a very populous and 
 polite canton it is also. 
 
 5. There is the canton of sabbatli-breakers. Here there 
 is hardly room enough for the iniiabitants, they are so ex- 
 ceedingly numerous. 
 
 6. There is the adulterer's canton. This isa yery dark 
 place,' seldom visited by the rays of the sun. The for- 
 nicators cohabit with them. 
 
 7. There is the murderer's canton, the darkest and the 
 most miserable place in all my dominions; yet for all that 
 it is very well peopled. Fur here are ranked not only 
 those who cut one another's throats, like the Alexanders, 
 Tamerlanes, Philips, Louises, &c. but also oppressors of 
 every sorl;»cruel husbands and wives, disobedient chil- 
 dren, who break their parents' hearts, false friends, back- 
 biters, and calumniators. Luleed all v.ho v/anton in the 
 unhappiness of their fellow-creatures, like corn-factors 
 and carcass-butchers: so that you see here are many in- 
 habitants, and that too of considerable figure. ]tis wor- 
 thy of observation, that all the cantons have easy passages 
 from one another; so that althoui:;h the employment in 
 each is different from that of the rest, they all hold com- 
 munication with one another, as subjects of the same 
 prince, and lieirs of the same inheritance. 
 
 Yea, so numerous are the roads that lead from one to 
 the other, that if a man gets into any one of my cantons, 
 it requires no less power than omnipotent power, and 
 "wisdom equal to omniscient, to extricate him from a la- 
 byrinth so dangerous. And it is well for me that it is so, 
 for some of my subjects are frequently terrified, especially 
 those that work in the deep mines, lest they dig them- 
 selves through the earth, and tumble into hell. But a 
 little time discovers that their efforts to deliver themselves 
 are all inefteclual; for the road by which they escape 
 from one canton, leads them into another equally danger- 
 ous. Many ways there are to throw a man down into my 
 mines; but, believe me, if ever any one comes up again, 
 it must cost the Almighty an errand from heaven to rescue 
 him. 1 assure you, sir, that, by the help of these subtle 
 passages and intricate turnings, 1 keep my subjects en- 
 slaved with as little trouble to myself as any master devil 
 that ever ascended out of the bottomless pit. But, by 
 the way, I am constantl> emploved in planning out fresh 
 . ' 4 * " 
 
42 DIALOGUES 
 
 measures for the slaves to pursue. Oh! sir, the end will 
 show that I give ample demonstration of my fidelity to 
 my royal grandfather, Beelzebub, of whom I hold my 
 lands by fief. 
 
 Infidelis. My dear son, how it rejoiceth my aged heart 
 t© hear of your wise administration! However infatuated 
 your foolish subjects may be, the great Impiator lacketh 
 not craftiness. By you, my son, shal' my name be per- 
 petuated when I am dead and gone. For I must die, my 
 child. As soon as the mi2;hty angel shall sound the dead- 
 awakening trumpet, the great, the far-famed Infidelis must 
 resign his breath. Yet be not discouraged, Impiator, for 
 you shall live forever. You know how I fostered you in 
 my bosom, and endued you with qualifications to sit on 
 the throne of Profanity, where so successfully you reign. 
 Permit me now to tell you, that knowing I must die, I 
 have, like all other wise people, made my will, and, for 
 your encouragement, 1 have appointed you, my son, with 
 your uncle Fastosus, your highly honoured brother Des- 
 perando, and your cousins Contumax and Discordans, 
 the joint executors thereof, and sole heirs unto all my do- 
 minions and subjects, who, at my decease, are to be trans- 
 ported to the land of torment: there you shall reign in 
 eternal triumph over them. Then it will be, and not be- 
 fore, that great Impiator shall arrive at the zenith of his 
 glory. 
 
 Impiator. I suppose so, sir; for I am told that about 
 that time the provinces of Civility, Formality, Presump- 
 tion, Legality, and Hypocrisy, so famous in the empire of 
 Fastosus, are all to be annexed to my dominions, which 
 will then be very extensive, and the government of Pro- 
 fanity very respectable. 
 
 Infidelis. I would ask you now, my son, for a descrip- 
 tion of those famous cantons you mentioned; but as af- 
 fairs of importance call me hence, could not you favour 
 me with an interview for this purpose to-morrow, pre- 
 cisely at twelve o'clock.^ 
 
 Impiator. I will, sir: Fare you well. 
 
OF DEVILS. 4S 
 
 DIALOGUE IV. 
 
 FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 
 
 Being privy to the appointment betwixt Fastosus and 
 Avaro, I took care to arrive in the valley time enough to 
 hear all that passed. For now my business was left to 
 shift for itself, and every thing gave place to the force of 
 curiosity, which bore down, like an inundation, every 
 thing before it. If my wife consulted me in anything, I 
 would answer, '* Fastosus." If my children told me of 
 their progress at school, I would abruptly reply *' horrida 
 Vallis!" When my journeymen or apprentices talked 
 to me about the shop business, my answer was, *' the 
 great Avaro." And if they said any thing about my good 
 Sriend the parson, I would say, "Oh! the wonderful In- 
 fidelis!" In fact, I could think about nothing but the 
 devils in the valley. Therefore, I took care to provide 
 myself with every thing necessary, and away I went to 
 the vale of horrors, and had not long been there ere I saw 
 Fastosus and Avaro come travelling towards me; and 
 thus they began their discourse: 
 
 Avaro. I am glad, very glad, sir, that you are here so 
 soon. I w as afraid that you would find much business at 
 Paris, besides finishing my lady's robes. 
 
 Fastosus. I did find more than I expected, cousin; for 
 I had no sooner finished with the mantua-maker, than I 
 was waited upon by a hatter, who begged to be informed 
 whether it was most genteel to fix the loops of a hat an 
 inch and half, or onl_y one bare inch in depth; and whe- 
 ther a gentleman is most of a cavalier with his hat cocked 
 in right angles, or with one obtuse and two acute angles. 
 Before I had well satisfied the hatter, in came a gentle- 
 man peruke-maker, who humbly asked me whether a no- 
 bleman looks most like a hero when he has one, or when 
 he has two curls bobbing over his ears. Provoked that the 
 gentlemen mechanics should suppose I had nothing to d<» 
 but to cock hats and adjust wigs, I wrinkled my forehead 
 into a most majestic frown, and made the following an- 
 swer: "Get hence, thou shrinking cur. I have known a 
 lord before now that had his ears so covered with tiers of 
 curls, that he could not hear the commands of his supe- 
 
.44 DIALOGUES 
 
 riors. The brave princes Ferdinand and Frederick of 
 Brunswick, and the noble marquis of Granbv, will soon 
 break through all the redoubts of a barber's fortifica- 
 tions."* The words were no sooner out of ray mouth, 
 
 than I was sent for by his grace the d — e of C 11, 
 
 to inform him whether it was most graceful for a courtier 
 to wear his hat with the front declining on the right or the 
 left side of the brow. To whom I said, *' Good my lord, 
 YOU may soon resolve this difficulty, without seeking to 
 the devil for advice, if your grace will only mark well to 
 which side of the block the hats of the vulgar incline; 
 then be sure to let the hats of the courtiers turn always 
 contrary to the vulgar method." No sooner had 1 satis- 
 fied his grace, than L — s desired to know which was his 
 best way to keep up his character, and support his dig- 
 nity in Europe, on the loss of his dominions in America. 
 For answer, I referred him to good Mr. Maubert, of 
 Brussels, who hath as good a hand at a dead lift as if he 
 had been bred a priest. And so, cousin, with no small 
 difiiculty, 1 broke loose, and am come hither according 
 to appointment. 
 
 AvAiio. By what you say, honoured sir, I perceive that 
 wheresoever idleness prevails, it is not among us; for we 
 have no rest day or night, but go about plotting the de- 
 fctruction of mankind. 
 
 For my own part, I assure you, I have had but little 
 rest since I saw you last; and so very fond are mankind 
 of my counsels, that I expect but very little rest for the 
 time to come. You know I was going to secrete a bag of 
 money in the valley when you and 1 met. This was no 
 sooner done than I was waited on by a parson, who had 
 Ills eyes upon a good living, with a view to receive direc- 
 tions about obtaining it. And he was followed by a trades- 
 man, who had a desire to make a profitable break of it, 
 but begged directions how he might do it honourably. I 
 referred him to the goddesses Perfidia and Fallacia for 
 instructions, as they more immediately preside in that 
 department. This honourable gentleman despatched, I 
 was attended by a certain curate, who having never had 
 inclination nor opportunity to examine the canons of a 
 certain church, came to consult me whether it was law- 
 ful to christen a child if the parents had not money 
 
 * Thia was written before the conclusion of the late war. 
 
OF DEVILS. 45 
 
 enough to paj the fees. I told him, bj no means; for if 
 you once begin to officiate gratis, you will have enough 
 of it, and the parson's trade will be worse than an at- 
 torney's clerkship. The gentleman took my advice, be- 
 ing determined to seek the good of the church; and truly, 
 because the mother had not two shillings and sixpence to 
 pay the parson, she could not have her son made a child 
 of God, and an heir of the kingdom of heaven. 
 
 Fastosus. Well, but, cousin, is that matter of fact.^ 
 
 AvARo. Indeed, sir, it is what actually happened not 
 five hundred miles from London bridge; and there is a 
 certain gentleman alive who could avouch the truth of it, 
 if he thought proper. 
 
 Having despatched the journeyman parson, I was sent 
 for, in all haste, by my good friend the attorney. He, 
 worthy gentleman, has undertaken a cause which, he very 
 well knows, can never be defended upon principles of ho- 
 nour and honesty; but his client is a rich man, can well 
 bear fleecing, and therefore he could not in conscience 
 put him aside. He knows exceeding well how to turn 
 the rich man's cause to his own emolument, if he could 
 but manage it so as not to injure his own credit. That 
 was the perplexity which he begged me to clear up. Said 
 he, within himself, *' Can I but get this cause to depend 
 in chancery for a few years, (which by the way is the 
 highest point in law for a desperate cause) I shall gain 
 some hundreds of pounds by it. " As soon as he had done 
 his duty to me, he very humbly laid the matter without 
 reserve, before me. Then said I, my good sir, let not 
 the suit disturb you; I will manage it both for your ho- 
 nour and profit, never fear me. Who is he that is em- 
 ployed against you.^ To which he replied, "Oh! a very 
 skilful man. No less a person than the great Mr. False- 
 hood: a very eminent attorney indeed!" Come, said J, 
 let him be sent for. This was done, and the lawyer False- 
 hood attended accordingly. 
 
 Being both seated in my client's great parlour, the good 
 man addressed Mr. Falsehood thus: '* My best friend, 
 Mr. Falsehood, you and I are engaged as opponents in 
 this suit; both of the gentlemen are resolute, and will 
 bear a good deal of fleecing: you know what I mean, sir. 
 Now, all is as yet uncertain, and the issue will greatly 
 depend upon the measures to be taken by you and me. I 
 would therefore, good sir, that we make it certain. If 
 
46 DIALOGUES 
 
 right take place, it will be speedily over, and we shall 
 make but a poor job of itj but if it is well managed, it 
 may produce some hundreds a piece. My advice is, sir^ 
 that it shall hang in chancery, like a poor man's soul in 
 purgatory. What do you say, Mr. Falsehood?" 
 
 Mr. Falsehood replied, " It will never do, good sir, it 
 will never do, to bring it to a speedy issue; that is cer-* 
 tain. But FU tell you what we will do. You know that 
 you have the worst side of the cause, and if I act the part 
 of an honest man, you will soon be obliged to give up; 
 but I shall act the part of a skilful lawyer, which will 
 suit both of our purposes much better. I shall give you 
 all the advantages that I can, in order to keep the cause 
 depending until the patience of our clients is quite ex- 
 hausted, and they agree to put the matter to arbitration. 
 As they are both men of resolution, by that time it will 
 be a job worth gathering." 
 
 So having set the two worthy lawyers to drink a bottle 
 to the good luck of it, I left them, took wing, and came 
 hither. But I can tell you, if 1 had not suared aloft I had 
 not been here so soon; for I saw a great number of par- 
 sons, lawyers, and farmers watching for me. I gave them 
 the slip, however, and artfully dropt my influences upon 
 them. Surely they may allow their master sometimes to 
 converse with his friends. 
 
 Fastosus. Ah! Avaro, when we subjected men to our 
 powers, we planned out a great deal of employment for 
 ourselves: for so fond are they of us, that they will do no- 
 thing unless one or other of our fraternity preside over 
 every action. 
 
 Avaro. Sir, if it would not be offensive to you, I should 
 be glad to hear some account of your origin, and of the 
 nature of your government. 
 
 Fastosus. Avaro, a spirit earth born, as you are, must 
 be too grovelling in his genius to understand much of my 
 history, dominion, and operations; otherwise, I would 
 with all my heart favour you with the relation you 
 desire. 
 
 Avaro. Well, sir, but I am willing to learn of you, if 
 you will condescend to instruct me. However untracta- 
 ble I am with mankind, you shall find me teachable 
 enough with you. 
 
 Fastosus. You promise fair, cousin. I love your sub- 
 mission, and therefore shall begin. Observe then, I am of 
 
OF DEVILS. 47 
 
 high parentage, as well as of heroi-c deeds. I was born in 
 heaven, cousin. It was there that Satan, the great arch^ 
 angel, begat me upon himselfj and as soon as I was be- 
 gotten, I in return begat him; and the very moment I was 
 begotten I was brought forth, and instantly killed my 
 father. 
 
 AvARo. Indeed, uncle, you start high. You told me 
 that I could not understand you, and now I perceive the 
 truth of it; for really I understand not one word of all 
 you have said. 1 hope, sir, you will condescend to ex- 
 plain your parables. 
 
 Fastosus. AVell, if you understand me not, I shall de^ 
 scend lower, though, indeed, I hate to speak of my own 
 affairs in a vulgar style, so as to be understood by every 
 petty spirit. But as you, Avaro, are of excellent use to 
 my operations, I shall stand upon no distance, but avoid 
 all ceremonies with you. Understand me then. When 
 God Almighty had created all the hosts of heaven, every 
 angel was perfectly pleased with his station; the most 
 solid and joyous contentment reigned among them, and 
 united the etherial inhabitants, who were, in those days, 
 very numerous. No one so much as wished his station 
 altered. No one thought himself capable of higher feli- 
 city and preferment than he enjoyed. The adventurous 
 Satan himself, though he has not been blest with one 
 moment's rest ever since I was born, before that time pos- 
 sessed all the sublime and refined pleasures his exalted 
 capacity was capable of. And well might he be pleased 
 with his station, seeing he was a mighty prince among the 
 angels, next in greatness to the Son of God, who was ap- 
 pointed lord lieutenant of the creation. And a mighty 
 prince in heaven he would have continued, had he not 
 afterwards become a candidate for omnipotence. As for 
 me, I was not born then, but I have heard old Satan, my 
 father, with flames of malice and indignation darting from 
 his eyes, tell how the most perfect harmony existed among 
 the hosts of paradise, until it happened that a declaration 
 was made from the lofty throne, that the Son of God was 
 predestinated, at a time appointed, to assume a nature in- 
 ferior to that of angels; and the Most High commanded 
 that, in that nature, all the angels of God should worhip 
 the Son, even as they worship the Father, and that all 
 should submit to the government of the man whom God 
 delighted to honour, 
 
43 DIALOGUES 
 
 At this instant I was begotten in Satan's alarmed breast, 
 and cried out, 'Tis enough that such exalted spirits as 
 we submit to him in his present unincarnate state. But 
 worship and submit to him in an inferior nature, let who 
 will, I will not. What does he mean? will the Almighty 
 debase his first and best, and make us subject to an infe- 
 rior nature? No; it shall never be said that Satan, the 
 archangel, stooped so low ! The great archangel's voice 
 was heard, his resolution was approved of, the standard 
 of rebellion set up in heaven, and many millions of an- 
 gels, whose natures I had changed, joined in that day, and 
 fell into the depths of bottomless perdition. Now do you 
 understand me? 
 
 AvARo. I understand you pretty well when you say 
 that Satan begat you: but you say, that you begat him, 
 and millions of devils besides. It always ran in my 
 head that God had made every devil in the bottomless 
 pit; but if I understand you aright, you say you made 
 them all. 
 
 Fastosus. True, I do say so, and I will not quit an 
 hair's breadth of my just prerogative. God never did, 
 nor ever could, make any sinner, either angelic or human. 
 Mind well what I say; for 1 perceive you are dull of ap-^ 
 prehension, and but of a shallow judgment. It was not 
 I, but God, who made them creatures. God created 
 them in a holy, pure, and glorious state, and endued 
 them with powers to preserve their primitive station in 
 the upper skies: but it was I, not God, who, from angels 
 of light, transformed tkem into devils of darkness. The 
 very moment I was conceived, 1 changed them from light 
 to darkness; from holiness to sin; from glory to disho- 
 nour; and thus, though not as creatures, yet as devils, 
 they are wholly of my formation. Do you understand 
 me now? 
 
 AvARo. Yes, sir, I understand you as to that; but you 
 said just now, that the moment you were brought forth 
 you killed your father. Great sir, these are dark say- 
 ings. 
 
 Fastosus. Aye, Avaro, to such as you they are dark; 
 but I'll explain them. I did not mean that I had annihi-r 
 lated his angelic nature: no, he is an angel still, although 
 a black one; but I meant that I slew all his primitive dis-? 
 position to goodness; killed the life of hpliness that once 
 was in him; deprived him of the favour of God, whicl^ 
 
OF DEVrLS. 49 
 
 eamc people prefer even unto life. I made him that 
 crooked perverse monster which you see he now is. I 
 ij>pened the overflowing sluices of divine indignation, 
 which continually pour down upon him, whatever he is 
 doing, or v/herever he fli«s; and not upon him only, but 
 upon all his adherents. Was not this killing him to pur- 
 pose, think you.^ 
 
 AvARo. Indeed it was. You had not hurt him half so 
 much, uncle, if you had deprived him of being. I v/on- 
 "der that he can endure the sight of you, after all that has 
 befallen him on your account I You have deprived him of 
 every good, and brought every evil upon him; and yet he 
 loves you as he does his own soul. 'Tis strange! won- 
 drous strange, FastosusI 
 
 Fastosus. You'll think it stranger still, when I tell 
 you that he is so far from hating me, that he will do no- 
 thing, either in earth or hell, amongst men or devils, but 
 as he is directed and prompted to it by me. And so far 
 is he from repenting of what he hath done, that he hath 
 told me a thousand times, if it were to do again he would 
 do it. Nothing grieves the heart of old Satan so much as 
 this, the very man whose exaltation he opposed, whose 
 sway he resisted, and whose person he hath still in the 
 most perfect abhorrence, is dignified, not only by a per- 
 sonal union with Jehovah, but by all judgment being 
 committed into his hand, and the public administration of 
 all the affairs of heaven, earth, and hell devolving upon 
 him. Great is his torment, from the consideration that 
 he, with all his adherents, must receive their final sen- 
 tence from the same person, who, of all beings, he hate? 
 with the most consummate hatred, and on whose account 
 he hates, and seeks the destruction of, all the creatures of 
 God. 
 
 'Tis a perpetual hell to him, that the object of his great- 
 est aversion sitteth on the circle of heaven, and holdeth 
 him continually as with bit and bridle; limiteth his ope- 
 rations at pleasure, and sovereignly appoints his license 
 by an unalterable determination. When, through con- 
 firmed malice and desperate resolution, Satan struggles 
 for larger scope, Imraanuel gives him a check, saying, 
 /' Hitherto thou mayest go, but no farther." And some- 
 times so severe is the check, that the prince of darkness 
 is quite overturned^ and, whilst sprawling on his back, 
 
 5 
 
:o DIALOGUES 
 
 for very vexation that he can go no further, he rageth, 
 and roareth louder than a thousand lions, so that all the 
 arches of gloomy Tartarus resound. Then, in the an- 
 guish of horrid despair, he bites his adamantine chains, 
 foams at his mouth, and utters such dreadful blasphemies 
 as none but himself can utter. AVhat is the most remark- 
 able of all is, that the more rapidly the torre^it of the 
 Almighty's wrath pours in upon him, the fonder he is of 
 me, the cause of all his misery. 
 
 AvARO. Sir, you say that Beelzebub will do nothing 
 without your direction. If I understand this right, it is 
 not he, but you, who are governor of hell. Pray, sir. 
 where are all his princely prerogatives then? 
 
 Fastosus. It is not fitting, Avaro, that you should cri- 
 ticise upon my doctrine. You ought to embrace it impli- 
 citly as I deliver it to you. 
 
 Avaro. Pardon me, great sir; you put me in mind of 
 some of the modern parsons: for that is the very way that 
 they want their doctrine to be embraced, implicitly, with- 
 out questioning its currency. 'Tis merry enough to hear 
 them exhort their hearers to search the scriptures, to try 
 the spirits, to take heed what they hear, &c. ; and yet, 
 after all, if any of their hearers attempt to bring the par- 
 son's own sermon to trial by the scriptures, he is deemed 
 a troublesome, self-conceited fellow: and if he happens 
 to disprove his doctrine by the scripture, he is presently 
 dealt with, and excommunicated as a troubler of Israel; 
 for the parson would have other people's doctrine tried, 
 and, if false, refuted: but it is impious to do so by his 
 own. Brave days, Fastosus, are these! It is quite 
 laughable to hear the modern clergymen tell their hearers 
 that they have a right to private judgment, and to know 
 the mind of God for themselves, and at the same time 
 obliging them implicitly to abide by the confession of 
 faith already authenticated. That is, uncle, the clergy 
 will allow you to controvert the scriptures if you choose 
 it, but their own articles must have your implicit submis- 
 sion. 
 
 Fastosus. Well, cousin, you have fairly laughed me 
 out of my resentment, by the droll conduct of your par- 
 sons. However, what I said, Avaro, I will maintain. It 
 shall never be said that the devil Fastosus did at any time 
 eat his words; but I will condescend to explain myself, 
 
OF DEVILS. 51 
 
 Without me, Beelzebub would be none other than an an- 
 gel; but mixing myself with his angelic faculties, I render 
 him a perfect devil. The same I do with all the rest of 
 jny infernal subjects. Beelzebub himself is but a titular 
 prince. 'Tis 1 who instigate him, that am the great de- 
 vil of all. To tell you more, it is I who formed hell it- 
 self, as a place of punishment. Such is the rectitude 
 and equity of his nature, that God never would, nor 
 could, inflict any punishment without my intervention. 
 He was ever guided in all his works by his own perfec- 
 tions, and therefore could never have punished sinless 
 beings. All beings would have remained sinless, but for 
 nie. So in making sin, I made the punishment of it. 
 For if once sin is introduced, punishment follows of 
 course^ it being as natural for sin to bring forth punish- 
 ment, as it is for the sun to send forth light and heat. 
 
 No being possibly can be a devil, but the being who is 
 possessed and governed by me. Every being thus pos- 
 sessed and governed, whether angel or man, is a devil. 
 But for distinction's sake, we ascribe only the plain name 
 of fiends to the angels whom I govern, and to men and 
 women under my dominion we give the names of devils 
 incarnate, because they inhabit bodies of flesh. The dif- 
 ference in the stature of devils is not that one is less de- 
 vilish than another, but their being possessed of more 
 noble endowments, and more extensive qualities than 
 others. So you see the devils of quality among us are 
 more intelligent, more subtle, and crafty, than devils of a 
 vulgar race. The reason why Beelzebub is head over all 
 the infernal tribes also, is not because he is more depraved 
 than his adherents, but because he was originally created 
 in a more glorious station, possessed of endowments more 
 exalted, and blest with more extensive natural powers. 
 As such, being once depraved, he is capable of excelling 
 his fellows as far in diabolical achievements as at first he 
 excelled them in their heavenly station. The same rule 
 holds good through the various ranks of my subjects. 
 Were you to ask me, why it is that devils without a body 
 are capable of exceeding in sweet rebellion those spirits 
 who are embodied? I would answer without hesitation, 
 '• Not because the one is less vicious, or one whit less de- 
 praved, than the other, but for the following two very 
 good and substantial reasons; 
 
52 DIALOGUES 
 
 1. Although T reign and rule in the heart of everj oU6 
 of them, yet whilst they are in the body they are laid 
 under particular restrictions by the Ahnightyj so that 
 they cannot do all the evil which in their hearts I prompt 
 them to do; and therefore they cannot be so much like; 
 Beelzebub, in their actions, as they would be. Fear and 
 shame very often prevent people from gratifying their im- 
 pious and unclean inclinations, when a love of virtue, and 
 the fear of God, are absolutely out of the question. 
 
 2. Because the natural powers of man are very far in- 
 ferior to the powers of infernal spirits. The more exten- 
 sive a man's natural capacity, the nearer he may arrive 
 to the stature of Satan, if unrestrained by the grace of 
 God. Hence a crafty and learned pope is by far more 
 like the devil than an ignorant, swag-bellied friar. Yea, 
 Avaro, the more enlarged the capacity of either man or 
 devil may be, as it makes him capable of the higher de- 
 grees of wickedness, even so in proportion to the natural 
 abilities of both shall the punishment inflicted be. No 
 M'icked being is so capable of being wicked as the crafty 
 and understanding person; who, if he is not truly vir- 
 tuous and holy, niubt be truly wicked and devilish. Hence 
 one Hume, one Voltaire, is an hundred times more ca- 
 pable of being useful to us than fifty H — w — ds, or even 
 iive times the number of popish priests. You may take 
 this as a general maxim, that the most enlarged soul must 
 be the most tormented, if not saved. 
 
 Avaro. One may see by your learning, sir, what it is 
 to be born among spirits. Why, you converse as freely 
 and fluently about the nature of angels and men, as I can 
 do about gold and silver coin. Great, great, sir, is your 
 merit. 
 
 Fastosus. How should it be otherwise, Avaro, when 
 you consider the subtility of my nature.^ I am the very 
 soul of Beelzebub, and all his vassals. Petty spirits may 
 boast of their conquests one to another, but they must ail 
 be silent when courtly Fastosus opens his mouth. You, 
 Avaro, Impiator, Discordans, &.c. have all of you made 
 as great inroads upon mankind as can possibly be expect- 
 ed from such unseemly spirits as you be; but as for me, 
 you see I am a spirit of a comely deportment, and caress- 
 ed by all. Indeed many people are now a days of opi- 
 nion that a spice of my nature is absolutely necessary, in 
 
OF DEVILS. 5S 
 
 crder to make them respectable in the vvorlrl, and prevent 
 the injuries which otherwise might be oti'ered to them. 
 Nor is there anj who can discern the fatal consequences 
 of being under my direction, except those who are en- 
 lightened from above, by him who was given for a light 
 to the Gentiles. I lodge securely in the secret caverns 
 of the heart, and from thence 1 convey my influence so 
 imperceptibly through all the words of the mouth, and 
 actions of the life, that you rarely meet with a man or wo- 
 man who will own that they have the least acquaintance 
 with me, though with many of them the judicious be- 
 holder will easily perceive that I am deeply concerned in 
 all they do or say. 
 
 AvARO. Indeed I have often heard people declare that 
 they never saw the devil Fastosus, nor had the least ac- 
 quaintance with pride. Yet they said a little spirit ought 
 to be shown, that every one might know his proper place. 
 But 1 perceive now that pride itself is that same spirit 
 v/hich they deem so necessary, notwithstanding their sup- 
 posed freedom from it, and aversion to it. 
 
 Fastosus. The very same spirit, Avaro, though they 
 do not know it,* for I deceive them at every turn, being 
 capable of transforming myself into so many different 
 shapes, and bearing a name so suitable to each, that even 
 when I lord it over them with the greatest power, they 
 remain utterly ignorant of their subjection to me. Some- 
 times I assume the appearance, and bear the name, of my 
 avowed enemy. Humility. Tnen you will see people of 
 fashion, or those who think themselves such, descending 
 lower than their station, for no other reason than to get a 
 good name. At another time you may see me transform- 
 ed into the likeness of Charity, and I prompt my slaves 
 to bestow their alms, in order to be esteemed benevolent 
 and generous. I have seen a man of wealth and industry 
 perform such actions with this and no other view; and he 
 has made his poor belly to suffer for it many days to 
 come, when at the same time he had his thousands out at 
 use. Then I take upon me the name of Decency, and 
 am greatly employed in regulating domestic affairs, de- 
 scending even so low as to take cognizance of meat and 
 drink, dress and company. Then you may see madam 
 extremely diligent in persuading Miss Prim and Miss Stiff 
 5* 
 
54 DIALOGUES 
 
 not to be seen in the company of those of an inferior sta- 
 tion. Ere 3-0U are aware, I have got the pride of good 
 breeding; and oh I what wonders of fashionable civilities 
 I work, and forward the great designs of hell. At this 
 time you'll see my lady, who having forgotten the fiishions 
 prevailing about twenty years aa:o, when she was under 
 forty, is as careful as possible not to deviate in the least 
 from the customs of those who were born since she was a 
 wife and mother. Sometimes I be^ir the name of a spirit 
 of honour. Under this name 1 prevailed in ancient Rome, 
 and now reign over many of our European cavaliers. In 
 this character I do great execution among the British gods 
 at the west end of London, where the greatest enormi- 
 ties are deemed excusable, but the putting up with an 
 aiTront an unpardonable evil. 
 
 AvARo. There would be nothing done, in comparison 
 of what there is, among mankind, if we appearecl in our 
 own likeness, and went by our proper names; for there 
 are thousands that love us extremely while in di^^guise, 
 who would be ashamed of us if we went by our proper 
 names of Covetousness and Pride. As for my part, I am 
 fain to perform all my works in disguise, bearing the 
 feigned names of Industry, Frugality, tS:c. But, sir, will 
 it please you to give me some account how you first made 
 your entrance good amongst mankind. 
 
 Fastosus. 1 have already told you, that as soon as I 
 was born I obtained full dominion over the adherents of 
 Beelzebub: this taught the angels of the deep that the 
 only way to seduce innocent beings was to inject my na- 
 ture into them; and that the seeds of pride being once 
 sown, they could not fail of most abundant fruitful- 
 ness. Man w^as originally created in a holy and happy 
 estate, a perfect stranger to those evils which now pre- 
 vail over and reign predominant in the natural and moral 
 world. You could not have seen'so much as one symp- 
 tom of pride or covetoasness, or other vice, either in 
 Adam or Eve, in their primitive state. They loved with- 
 out unchastity, and enjoyed without uncleanness; nor 
 were they in the least acquainted with the racking tor- 
 ments of jealousy. No anxious thoughts, perplexing 
 fears, nor distracting cares, disturbed their peaceful hearts. 
 Eovy, anger, shame, and resentment, were strangers t» 
 
OF DEVILS. 55 
 
 the new created pair, and never set foot in paradise be- 
 fore my arrival there. Their sole delight was to contem- 
 plate the beneficence of their God. 
 
 Our eagle-eyed angels, when they saw the noble de- 
 portment of man, soon perceived that he was of the same 
 nature which the sun of God was predestined to assume, 
 (for. as some think, he might, out of love to the human 
 nature, appear occasionally to the heavenly hosts in the 
 form of man, ^) for the resisting of which decree they 
 were damned to the depths of ever-burning iiell. The 
 first discovery Beelzebub made of the blessed situation 
 in which man was created, filled his noble mind with 
 such violent agitations of rage, envy, malice, and pride, 
 that his fury burst beyond all bounds. He stamped and 
 raged in a most tempestuous manner; insomuch tliat he 
 fehook the sable firmament of hell, and brought his con- 
 federates to inquire the cause of his anguish. A council 
 thus convened, after the prince had a little recovered from 
 the first shock of transporting rage, he related to them 
 what he had discovered concerning the inhabitants of 
 Eden, and asked advice of his senators, who, to a devil, 
 vowed speedy destruction to man. Some demur there 
 was respecting the plan of their operations; for the im- 
 politic part of the assembly, finding the smallness of their 
 number, were for having man assaulted by storm: but the 
 more S'-Hge politicians voted for cralt, as the likeliest me- 
 thod to seduce them. At last the august assembly came 
 to this unanimous resolution, '' That the great Beelzebub 
 should, by certain means, by him to be devised, inspire 
 them with my nature;" nothing doubting but, if that could 
 be done, they would soon declare in favour of the devil's 
 government. 
 
 After he had well weighed every circumstance, the 
 arch-apostate undertook the enterprise; but did not judge 
 it proper to exercise force against them, knowing well 
 that if their resistance proved equal to their power, all 
 his destructive measures must unavoidably be broken, and 
 
 * Some may think that this parenthesis is an impeachment of the 
 knowledge of Fastosus, su[)poslng that himself was ignorant -whether 
 the Son of God did or did not assume the foroi of a man in his inter- 
 course with the heavenly legions. But it ought to be observed, that 
 tuii judicious devil is relating transactions which were antecedent to 
 the time when he profeiiei to have beea boru. 
 
56 DIALOGUES 
 
 the enterprise miscarry. Therefore, like a wise hero 
 aad consummate politician, he resolved to accomplish by 
 craft and subtilty what was not to be done by open as- 
 sault; nor did he think it advisable to address them in 
 his own form, lest he should frighten them at his first ap- 
 pearance, and by that means render their seduction for 
 ever after impracticable; but judiciously concluded that 
 the most promising method was, to assume the body of 
 one of their familiar domestic animals, which were daily 
 under their observation. Accordingly, after long consulta- 
 tion with himself, and strictly examining the brutal tribes, 
 he possessed a beauteous serpent, perceiving that it was 
 head of the reptile world, and best fitted for converse 
 with man, with whom also it was more familiar than all 
 the beasts beside. Thus ecjuipped for executing the deep 
 projected scheme, he still acted with caution becoming 
 the most consummate experience. He cared not to at- 
 tack them both at once, lest by any means they should 
 see through his disguise, and he should occasion his own 
 repulse; therefore he craftily lurked near them, and over- 
 heard their discourse, that he might better learn which of 
 them was the weaker vessel. 
 
 Being a spirit of great penetration, he soon found that 
 the woman was not only the weakest, but the youngest; 
 and what greatly encouraged his hope was, that the man 
 loved the woman with the most tender affection, a cir- 
 cumstance very painful for him to behold. Peace being 
 now a stranger to his own bosom, it was grievous for him 
 to see the felicity of the human pair. In consequence of 
 these discoveries he made no attempts upon the man, but 
 bent all his endeavours to seduce the woman; not doubt- 
 ing but, if that could be eft'ected, the man would come of 
 course, so strongly was he attached to his yoke-fellow. 
 
 I would tell you the whole now, cousin, but I must go 
 and assist my lady Gaiety to dress, for she is to dine with 
 my lord Frolick to-day. About four o'clock I'll meet 
 vou here. 
 
OF DEVILS. 57 
 
 DIALOGUE V. 
 
 INFIDELIS AND IMPIATOR. 
 
 Fastosus and Avaro had not been long gone before I 
 saw Intidelis and Lmpiator stalking up to the rendezvous, 
 and, as they walked, thus conversing: 
 
 Impiator. But is it passible, sir, that the papists should 
 ascribe an equal, if not a greater, glory to the blessed vir- 
 gin than to the Son of God. 
 
 Infidelis. It is not only possible, but certain; and, as 
 a proof of it, I shall repeat to you one of their prayers to 
 her; a prayer which can by no means be ofiensive to any 
 of our people: *' Mary! the star of the sea; the heaven 
 of health; the learned advocate of tlie guilty; the only 
 hope of the desperate; the saviour of sinners. Thou call- 
 est thyself the handmaid of Jesus Christ, but art his 
 lady; for right and reason vvilleth that the mother be a- 
 bove the son. Pray him, and command him from above, 
 that he lead us to his kingdom, at the v/orld's end." 
 Here you see, child, that although he was believed by his 
 apostles to be God over all, the papists have f(mnd out a 
 way to put him under the command of his virgin mother. 
 Not only so, but they have put him unJer the command 
 of St. Ann, reputed by them to have been his grandmo- 
 ther, as may be seen in that famous prayer, approved and 
 authorised by the doctors of the Sorbonne, in Paris. I'll 
 repeat the passage, being the fourth paragraph in the 
 prayer. " In homage of the right and power (of mother) 
 which you had over your daughter, (Mary) and of grand- 
 mother over her son, and of their (Mary's and Jesus's) 
 submission, which they render you." Here you see he 
 is supposed to submit to his grandmother Ann, as well 
 as to be under the government of his mother Mary. 1 
 could tell you strange things, son, about the popish reli- 
 gion, and I intend it ere long; but, for the present, I 
 would beg of you to give me some farther account of the 
 different cantons of your devotees. I think they were 
 seven in number. 
 
 Impiator. I shall describe them to you, sir. And it 
 
58 DIALOGUES 
 
 would be proper to begin with the canton of drunkarda^ 
 because that is the royal canton where I keep mj court| 
 but, with your good leave, I shall defer the description of 
 it to the last. 
 
 Infidelis. Son, your will is your law in this par- 
 ticular^ take whatever method your thought ssuggest as 
 best. 
 
 Impiator. Then I begin with the canton of swearers, 
 the most foolish and unaccountable set of people upon the 
 face of the earth. This canton is divided into two pro- 
 vinces, both which are full of people. In the first pro- 
 vince dwell the false swearers, and the profane swearers 
 in the second. 
 
 The province of false swearers is divided into three 
 districts^ the first of which is inhabited by knights of the 
 post, a set of gentry who get their living by giving evi- 
 dence in causes to which they are perfect strangers. 
 These knights commonly make their court to the c — k of 
 arr — igns, whom, they know, is best capable of finding 
 them employment. It is not a great many years since a 
 gentleman, walking in the sessions-house, in the Old 
 jiailey, was accosted by one of these knights with, " Pray, 
 sir, do you want a witness? Sir, I'll serve you as cheap 
 and as well as any man." Gardiner, bishop of Winches- 
 ter, formerly was a mighty protector of this order of 
 knights; and, at this day, our good friend, the father of 
 the world, his worthy inquisitors, and not a few right 
 reverend prelates, are head men in the district of false 
 swearers. Many a good Christian has been brought to 
 the stake or gallows by their assiduity, both among papists 
 and pagans; more especially the former, who are far 
 from being so honest as the latter, and not by half so 
 consistent. 
 
 The second district is inhabited by the mercenary 
 swearers. This is a race supposed to be descended from 
 the knights of the post; and to be sure there is great like- 
 ness betwixt the two. The mercenary swearers will buy 
 a piece of goods for five shillings, and as soon as a buyer 
 presents himself, tells him that, upon his life and soul, it 
 cost him six shillings. When he meets with another 
 seller of the same commodity, in order to obtain a good 
 pennyworth, he shows him the goods for which he paid 
 five shillings, and tells the stranger, that, " As he hopes 
 
OF DEVILS. 59 
 
 to be saved, he gave no more than four and six-pence for 
 it." The dealers in horses, drovers, and butchers, are 
 singularly dexterous at this kind of swearing. In this 
 district it is a prevalent opinion that a man is not fit to 
 live in the world unless he can swear to a lie. 
 
 The third division is inhabited by the foolish swearers, 
 a people the most remarkably stupid of any under the 
 government of hell. Some of them are so accustomed to 
 it from their infancy, that they do not so much as know 
 when they swear; and are as destitute of design in the 
 practice as the parrot when it scolds the chambermaid, 
 or as many good people when they say their prayers at 
 church. Others seem to have such a low opinion of their 
 own probity, that they imagine no one will believe what 
 they say unless every sentence is ushered in with an oath 
 in the van, and confirmed by another in the rear. Gen- 
 tlemen of family, fortune, and fashion, are stationed in 
 this class, and are extremely dexterous here. Nor are 
 the officers of the fleet and army less learned, or devoid 
 of those embellishments. The greatest part of the En- 
 glish officers indeed, marine and military, esteem a man 
 not fit to carry a musket unless he can swear a hundred 
 oaths in a quarter of an hour without any qualms of con- 
 science. 
 
 The British army so far excels in this fine art, that they 
 can fairly curse the French off the field of battle without 
 ever striking a blow; so terrified are the French at the 
 oaths of the English. Aye, father, I assure you that this 
 heroic practice is now so prevalent among the basest of 
 the multitude, that I could pick you out a low-lifed boat- 
 swain who will vie with an admiral, and a dwarfish drum- 
 mer, who will swear with a lieutenant-general for any 
 money. Yea, I could pick you out a fellow, who cannot 
 procure whole shoes to his feet, that yet will match any 
 nobleman or esquire in the land at swearing. And, sir, 
 if honour consists in being adepts here, the vilest pedlar 
 may vie with the best of the gentry; and the very footpad 
 may challenge a peer of the realm. The canton of 
 swearers is a very populous and very honourable place. 
 Here are dukes, knights of all orders, marquises, and 
 earls. And a very worshipful canton it is too; for num- 
 bers of very respectable corporations, and many justices 
 pf the peace, reside in it. 
 
60 DIALOGUES 
 
 I have often laughed to see a delinquent brought be* 
 fore a magistrate, and by him be obliged to pay two 
 shillings for every attested oatli, when the magistrate 
 himself had not manhood enough to maintain conversa- 
 tion for ten minutes without being guilty of profane 
 swearing. 
 
 Infidelis. Pray thee, my son, what are the qualifica- 
 tions requisite to a justice of the peace in thy country? 
 
 Impiator. Two qualifications, sir, only are requisite. 
 The first is, that the gentleman be pretty well to live in 
 the world; and the second, that he shall bean obsequions 
 tool to administration. As to knowledge of the law, love 
 to the people, regard to moral principles, and all such 
 stuff, they are altogether out of the question. 
 
 I was going to say, it is a very religious canton too, be- 
 cause here you may find a considerable number of reve- 
 rend parsons, both papists and protestants. As for their 
 oaths in use, they are various, as the fancy of the swearers 
 inclines them. Some swear by heaven, others by the 
 God of heaven; some swear by Christ, others by his 
 blood and wounds; some by St. Peter, others by St. 
 Paul; some by St. Mary, others by her virginity; some 
 swear by the pope, others by his holiness, and by his in-f 
 fallibility; some by the life of their sovereign; some by 
 the life of the devil, and some by their own lives. Some 
 there are who swear by the church; others by the liturgy 
 und mass: and some, for want of a better epithet, swear 
 by their own eyes and limbs. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Indeed, son, these are a set of as foolish 
 people, as one would wish to meet with. The devil him- 
 self would not wish them to be more foolish. One would 
 wonder to see men of distinction, who disdain to conform 
 to the vulgar, in other particulars, rank themselves with 
 gipsies and sturdy beggars, in this most abject and un- 
 manly practice. Sensible people, and some there are still 
 among men, do not esteem a man the more for his acres of 
 pension, but for his virtue and good sense; and hence a 
 swearing gipsy and a swearing gentleman are held as 
 equally dishonorable. But no more of this; I intend not 
 to become a moralist at this time. 
 
 Impiator. I assure you, profitable as they are to me, I 
 am ready to crack my sides with laughing, to see how 
 foolishly they fight and brawl, curse and damn each other, 
 
OF DEVILS. 61 
 
 and how ready they are to forward the devil's interest, 
 notwithstanding it is to their own everlasting ruin. 
 
 The second canton is that of thieves; and a very flour- 
 ishing canton it is, notwithstanding we every session send 
 a freight over the Stygian lake,* who no more return to 
 their native country. This canton being very extensive, 
 is likewise divided into several lesser cantons. The first 
 of which contains the gentlemen thieves. A very courtly, 
 polite, and fashionable set of people. Gentlemen thieves, 
 are such who enjoy places of honour and trust, and are not 
 careful of their duty to their king and country. It is ob- 
 servable of them, that when they are out of place, they 
 are the greatest enemies to corruption, and the stanchest 
 friends to liberty in the world. They are capable of no 
 influence, but that of patriotism, so long as unprovided 
 for; but the moment their happy stars make them place- 
 men, they forget their patriotism, drop their enmity to 
 venality, and seek nothing so much as their own emolu- 
 ment, leaving the public to shift for itself. It is thought 
 that not a few gentlemen thieves live within an hundred 
 miles of famous Tyburn; and some people farther think, 
 it is great pity that solemn tree is not more frequently 
 graced with them: but in modern times it is quite unfash- 
 ionable to hang any but the little thieves.f Those gentle- 
 
 *Theauthorhasoften lamented the unhappy, untimely end, of the 
 malefactors hung up every session; sometimes forthings perhaps com- 
 paratively trilling, and which in themselves cannot merit so severe a 
 punishment. It does not appear from scripture, or reason, that com- 
 mon theft should be punished with the gallows; and especially when 
 the matter stolen is of little value. Nor does it appear to be good 
 policy to deprive society of a member, who might afterwards be 
 nseful, on account of some rash and unguarded invasion of his neigh- 
 bour's property. Hang them once, and their services are forever 
 losttothe community. If other methods were taken, villany would be 
 more successfully suppressed, and the members of society spared for 
 usefulness. The British senators must needs see, that the hangingtrade 
 does not lessen the number of rogues, nor the untimely end of one 
 leave suitable impressions upon the minds of others. To be bound 
 to hard labour for the space of one year, would be more terrible than 
 to be transported for seven: and besides, use might introduce a labo- 
 rious habit, which would render stealing unnecessary. I am persua- 
 ded, that to a dissolute young man, Avho hates labour, to be chained 
 to a dimg cart or placed' in some other ser\-ile station, would be more 
 dreadful than Tyburn itself. 
 
 t If aa ingenious mechanic should die for filing a single gi^nea; an 
 6 
 
(52 DIALOGUES 
 
 men havingno principles, above ambition and avarice, to 
 influence them, being once in place, are capable of being 
 more injurious to the commonwealth, each of them, than 
 an hundred highwaymen; and yet Tyburn is not honour- 
 ed with a gentleman thief, above once in a century, much 
 to the grief of real patriots. 
 
 Another class of gentlemen thieves, are our officers by 
 sea and land, who impose upon their king and country, by 
 false musters; and in a very peculiar manner those who 
 make their own fortunes, (no matter v/hether in the East 
 or West Indies) by the fatigue of their men, who are left 
 to remain in their original penury. These, together with 
 the commissaries for the army, agents for regiments, &c. 
 are all stationed here. 
 
 The second subdivision is peopled by what we call the 
 fashionable thieves. A prodigious populous place is this. 
 Here dwells legions of attorneys; vermin, who, for five 
 shillings worth of labour, will charge their clients nearthe 
 same number of pounds; and very conscientiously take 
 pay, for wilfully perverting and defeating a just cause. 
 Here you may find gentlemen, who can procure witnesses 
 to swear just as you would have them, and pack a jury 
 that can give a clear verdict, over the belly of the most 
 consistent evidence. Such a jury hath, ere now, saved a 
 noble neck from the deserved cord, through the all-sub- 
 duing power of money. To this famous division belongs 
 the tradesman, who will take more from an unskilful 
 buyer, than he knows in his conscience his goods are 
 worth: a thing very common among dealers. Also, the 
 wealthy gentleman, v/ho, in buying, will take advantage 
 of the indigence of the seller, and pay, if he can, less than 
 the real worth of what he buys. This practice is now so 
 very near to universal, that tradesmen deal with- one ano- 
 ther, for the most part, as if they were all known to be 
 rogues and cheats, and he is the best tradesman, that can 
 best guard against the villany of his neighbours. 
 
 Here dwells the careful tradessaan, who, if a man once 
 
 extravagant yonth be hanged, without mercy, for putting one in bodi- 
 ly fear, on the highway; or a vain girl, in the prime of life, be execut- 
 ed for stealing a few yards of lace, and others plunder the nation of 
 thousands with impunity, it shows that there must be a defect some- 
 where. 
 
OF DEVILS. 63 
 
 owes him five pounds, weuld write down five pounds ten 
 shillings. This method is so much in vogue, that many 
 people dare not trust their names on the tradesmen's 
 books. As for my friend, Sir Roger Latepay, he has had 
 such experience oV it, that his wood is in danger. In this 
 fashionable division dwells the tradesman, who, conscious 
 that his own capital is expended, supports his luxury and 
 geandeur at the expense of his dealers; and many such 
 there be in town and country. The avaricious farmers, 
 manufacturers and householders, who make their servants 
 and mechanics work under their usual wages, from the 
 pretence of deadness of trade, &c. The buyer, who is 
 conscious of his present inability, and spends without any 
 probable view of being hereafter able to pay, dwells in 
 the very heart of this division; and hard by him dwells 
 the father, who, to gratify a depraved taste, squanders 
 away his estate, to the defrauding of his wife and chil- 
 dren. All of these, sir, are very fashionable people. 
 
 The third division is that of holy thieves. That is, men 
 whose theft is in holy things. By holy thieves, I mean 
 unholy men, sustaining holy offices. Such is he, who en- 
 ters into orders, merely for the sake of a good living. 
 All who climb over the vv'all, and come not in by the door, 
 are thieves and robbers. Thieves, because they steal the 
 portion of the priests: for, having no right to the sacerdo- 
 tal function, their participation of the altar is sacrilegious 
 theft. Robbers, because they make havoc of the church, 
 and deprive God's children of the food allowed them by 
 their heavenly father. Here dwells shoals of popish 
 priest--^, and very considerable numbers of protestant cler- 
 gy, of various denominations, as well as the total sum of 
 pagan and mahometan mufties. His holiness the pope of 
 Rome, is indeed president in this division, for he steals 
 the prerogatives of God and applies them to his own pri- 
 vate use. 
 
 The fourth division in the canton of thieves, are those 
 whom we call the sporting thieves. Such are card-play- 
 ers, coclv-fighters, horse-coursers, and gamblers of all 
 sorts. I know of none of my sporting subjects, but what 
 will win if they can, either by upright, or inequitable 
 means. Therefore, with us it is an established maxim, 
 that the true gambler is the certain thief. Here too you 
 may find princes, nobles, spiritual and temporal, and 
 
64 DIALOGUES 
 
 judges of every rank. Ha! ha! ha! how hare I been 
 ready to split my sides with laughing, to see an arch- 
 bishop lay aside his mitre, and take up a pack of cards; 
 and the saered judge, after having passed sentence on a 
 criminal, lay aside all his solemnity, and put on the 
 sprightly sportsman. Then, cried I, 0! thebenchi 0! the 
 pulpit! 0! the gambler! 
 
 The fifth division in the canton of thieves, is inhabited 
 by what we call fantastic thieves. A very contemptible 
 canton this is with sensible people. Yet foolish as they 
 are with their nostrums, they make it appear, that there 
 are people more foolish than themselves; for they pick the 
 pockets of the neighbouring cantons very cleverly. Here 
 dwell your Daffies, Godfries, Stoughtons, Fluggers, Low- 
 thers, Jameses, Turlingtons, &c. Here the famous Mr. 
 Mountebank is president, and Mr. Andrew Archee is his 
 deputy. In this division nothing is heard of but pills, 
 lozenges, troches, balsams, elixirs, drops, cordials, and 
 the ready coin; for the fantastical thieves can give no 
 credit. 
 
 The sixth division consists of plain honest highwaymen. 
 Honest, when compared with many of the others; for 
 when they are about to rob a man, they very honestly tell 
 him their design, and stake but a few high words, and the 
 mouth of the pistol, against the purse and all that is in it, 
 which, notwithstanding the odds be greatly on the travel- 
 ler's side, the highwayman carries lightly off, with the 
 watch into the bargain. Whereas many of the gentlemen 
 thieves, carry on their work so slily, that you know not 
 their intention of robbing you, until long after the robbery 
 is committed. ! Tyburn, Tyburn, thou hast long groan- 
 ed for such men as these! 
 
 Here too are many venerable priests, who, by pretend- 
 ed pardons, dispensations, &c. play the pick-pocket to 
 great advantage. Much could 1 say about this class of 
 veterans in the thieving trade, were I not afraid of excit- 
 ing their resentment, which would be very detrimental to 
 my designs, as they lead the consciences of the laity just 
 which way they please. 
 
 Infidelis. Indeed, my son, by your account of thera, 
 the highwaymen and pick-pockets, are less prejudicial to 
 society, than many who are held to be men of great re- 
 nown. 
 
OF DEVILS. 65 
 
 Impiator. Av, sir, a thousand times, and I can tell 
 yoa that some of the greatest of names are enrolled in the 
 annals of this canton of thieves. There are the Grecian 
 and Roman heroes, almost in general, particularly great 
 Alexander, and Julius Caesar. There is Tamerlane, there 
 is Kouli Khan, there is Philip of Spain, and there is 
 
 L s of France, who has as good an inclination to 
 
 thieving as any body. Poor gentleman, it is not half a 
 century since he put forth his hand to pick the pocket of 
 George, king of Britain; but he got his fingers most woful- 
 ly bitten, before he could pull them in again. But what is 
 bred in the bones will never be out of the flesh; therefore, 
 as the English did not take care effectually to secure 
 themselves when they had it in their power, they must 
 expect further experience of French theft. 
 
 Infidelis. One would have thougiit that the English 
 have had so many instances of royal theft, from that quar- 
 ter, that they would have eff"ectually prevented future 
 danger from thence. Nor are orar good friends the Spa- 
 niards less inclined to the thievish practice than their 
 neighbours. Witness Peru and Mexico, those once opu- 
 lent and populous kingdoms which now belong to them, 
 in the same manner as the purse of gold belongs to the 
 highwayman, who took it from the gentleman he mur-' 
 dered. 
 
 Impiator. Ay, sir, great thieves are abundantly more 
 hurtful to mankind, than thieves of a dwarfish size; though 
 famous Tyburn, and the places akin to it, seldom have 
 the honour of ushering them into the other world. 
 
 The third canton is the liars' canton, a people with dou- 
 ble tongues, and of the nature of an otter, amphibious. 
 The great Beelzebub is grand president here, but is repre- 
 sented by two famous deputies, namely, the artful Maho- 
 met, and the good old gentleman at Rome. Of the two, 
 the latter is most in favour at courts because Beelzebub 
 says, he is so very much of his own image; although, it 
 must be owned, Mahomet bears a very great resemblance. 
 All the holy fathers, my lords the inquisitors, with their 
 assistant familiars. All the venerable patriarchs, and 
 princely cardinals, reside in the metropolis, near the ex- 
 change, in the principal street, which is a straight tho- 
 roughfare to hell. The bishops, of both ranks, are sta- 
 tioned next to them, and greatly facilitate the journey of 
 *6 
 
66 DIALOGUES 
 
 passengers. The very populous suburbs are inhabited by 
 the sons ©f St. Ignatius; than whom, none are more ex- 
 cellent at the arts of lying and evasion. And here too are 
 abundance of friars, of every order, who, though less craf- 
 ty than the Jesuits, are very diligent in the great work of 
 deceit. In this country, politeness and learning have ar- 
 rived at the greatest perfection. Here are abundance of 
 courtiers, and statesmen, besides atheists and deists, 
 highly esteemed by our people, for their learning and 
 sense. 
 
 The famous court liars, are like a dead fish. They al- 
 ways swim with the stream of power. They are for or 
 against stamp-acts, and general warrants, just as the senti- 
 ments of their superiors direct. They are protestants, or 
 intolerant papists, or neither, just as their prince is inclin- 
 ed, or as their own interests require. Their consciences 
 are tender as a willow, and will turn any way with the 
 application of a purse of gold, a place, a pension, or a 
 peerage. When it serves their low and base purposes, 
 you will find them patriots; but if the good of the nation 
 clashes with their sinister views you may find them trai- 
 tors, either to church or state, or to both. Of this class 
 were Bonner and Gardiner, zealous protesants in the days 
 of Edward the Sixth, and bloody papists in the reign of 
 his sister of scarlet memory. To this class also belonged 
 Sharp, the archbishop of St. Andrews; for it was not con- 
 viction, but gold, that changed his sentiments from pres- 
 bytery to prelacy. All the arguments which my lords, 
 the bishops of England, had advanced, made no more im- 
 pression upon him, than an arrow would have made upon 
 a rock of flint; but when his majesty came, in a rhetorical 
 manner, to press him home with a heavy purse of gold, a 
 coach and six, and a bishopric, he was quite confounded, 
 and had not a word to say for mother kirk of Scotland. 
 Such court arguments as this, sir, stop the mouths of 
 
 many a patriot; Lord C m is a recent proof of this. 
 
 Such was the force of his elocution that it could gain bat- 
 tles, subdue states, reverse laws, and make placemen 
 tremble, until he was unhappily confounded by a place, 
 a pension, and a peerage; and now, poor gentleman, he 
 has nothing left to gratify his ambition, but the melancho- 
 ly reflection of what he once was. 
 
 There is another herd of court liars, (excuse the phrase, 
 
OF DEVILS. 67 
 
 sir, because it is the common opinion, that of all vermin, 
 court liars are the most detestable) who fawn like a spa- 
 niel upon every prince that ascends the throne, in order 
 to ingratiate themselves into his favour, thereby to make 
 sure of their own emolument. If the manners of the 
 prince are ever so dissolute, they caress him as their most 
 wise and amiable monarch. Though he were as much of 
 a dastard as Sardanapolus, they will persuade him that he 
 >?ill vie with Hector for magnanimity. If he is a drunk- 
 ard, or glutton, they will flatter him with his temperance; 
 or represent his luxury as a princely virtue, very becom- 
 ing a royal personage; even if one half of his subjects be 
 famishing for want of bread. Some of those court liars 
 will tell their prince, that it is no crime at all for him to 
 enter his neighbour's territories, and murder twenty or 
 thirty thousand of his subjects, though there is really no 
 cause given on their part, for the hostile invasion. Some 
 such villains precipitated Lewis of France into a war with 
 Britain, which would infallibly have proved his ruin, had 
 he not been well befriended by some people near St 
 James's. 
 
 A truly patriotic courtier is a strong pillar to the throne, 
 but court liars are the destruction of that prince whose 
 ear they govern. 
 
 It is my opinion, that a prince has need either to be a 
 very wise man himself, or to have very honest men about 
 him. Happy is that nation, who has a wise and prudent 
 king, and at the same time honest and faithful ministers. 
 Earthly thrones are so infested with fawning flatterers, 
 that if the prince is not very well acquainted with his Bi- 
 ble, it is difficult for him to know, whether he is virtuous 
 or vicious. 
 
 Infidelis. That is a book in little esteem. Great men 
 are for the most part too polite to trouble themselves with 
 its contents, because they are so unfavourable to their 
 practices. 
 
 Impiator. True, and by those means princes are the 
 more readily deceived. For a mitred courtier may, per- 
 haps, tell his prince, that it is lawful for a royal person- 
 age, to debauch the wife or daughter of one of an inferior 
 rank, but unlawful for a plebian; notwithstanding his spi- 
 ritual lordship knows very well, that when God said, 
 "Whoremongers and adulterers I will judge," he exempt- 
 
68 DIALOGUES 
 
 ednot the prince any more than the peasant; for with him 
 there is no respect of persons, on account of their worldly 
 dignity. 
 
 Another right reverend courtier tells his prince, that it 
 is allowable enough in him, on the Sabbath, after the irk- 
 some service is over at church, to divert himself with a 
 quiet, civil game at chess, quadrille, or whatever his pious 
 inclination leads him to; and that it may be lawful for 
 some favourite nobility to assist at the sport; but, says 
 he, it is utterly unlawful for the husbandman and low 
 mechanic ; though the downy doctor knows well e- 
 nough, that when the Almighty sanctified the Sab- 
 bath, it was not a part only, bat the whole Sabbath he 
 intended. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Well, Impiator, whatever license the right 
 reverends allow at court, their sable brethren in the coun- 
 try are not less indulgent; for in most parishes in Eng- 
 land, the people may swear or pray, get drunk or commu- 
 nicate, go to church or stay at home, get to heaven or 
 hell, just as their inclination leads them, for any concern 
 his reverence the parson gives himself, provided always 
 he is not cheated of his dues. 
 
 Impiator. I know I am well befriended by many cler- 
 gyman. But to return to the prince, I assure you I have 
 often thought that, of all men, it is the greatest difficulty 
 for him to be a good man, and get safe to heaven : he has so 
 many about him, who are base enough to commend even 
 his vices, and but very few who love him well enough to 
 correct his errors. But if I become a moralist now, 
 you'll suppose I act out of character. However, 
 though many have exhausted all their wit and good 
 nature upon the court liars, they are still the same; 
 they lie as fast as ever for the sake of money, estates, 
 high places, &.c. therefore some people call them mer- 
 cenary liars. 
 
 But many of the inhabitants of this canton are less am- 
 bitious, and will very freely tell lies for a penny gain; 
 amongst those are the travelling tradesmen, who carry 
 their shops upon their backs. Them we call the petty 
 dealers, and the humble liars. But we have others more 
 generous still, who will give you a lie fresh from the 
 mint, with no other view but to raise a laugh. These we 
 call the merry liars, because they go laughing to hell. 
 
OF DEVILS. 69 
 
 Others we havo, who stand in the capacity of god-fathers 
 and god-mothers, who very roundly promise and vow for 
 to do, for the child, what they never intend to perform. 
 Some people call them the fool-hardy liars. Next to 
 them reside a very venerable tribe, called by the name of 
 reverend liars. Reverend, because in holy orders,* and 
 liars, because they tell my lord bishop, that they are 
 moved by the Holy Ghost, to take upon them the ofi&ce 
 of a deacon, whereas they are moved by the hope of 
 a good living, not knowing that there is such a being 
 as the Holy Ghost; and deeming it enthusiasm to pro- 
 fess to be moved by him. When once put into orders, 
 and a benefice, those worthy gentlemen rave against 
 all who profess to be influenced in their devotion, by 
 the Holy Spirit, as fanatics, enthusiasts, and madmen. 
 Now, either my good friend the parson lies to my lord 
 bishop, or his congregation; but tlie truth is, he lies to 
 both. 
 
 The fourth canton is, that of sabbath-breakers, which is 
 a very populous, polite and opulent canton indeed. The 
 far greater part of the nobility, and other gentlemen of 
 rank and fortune, reside here. They are too well-bred to 
 worship God on Sunday, in public or private. They 
 scorn to suppose themselves indebted to the Almio;htyfor 
 life, and breath, and all things; or to be accountable to 
 him for the use they make of their time, estates, and ta- 
 lents. They leave it to the low-lifed mechanics, to go to 
 church or meeting, or when there, to be devout, and take 
 notice of what they are about. liet the parson talk about 
 heaven, or hell, or what they will, they are unconcerned, 
 never once supposing themselves endued with immortal 
 souls. 
 
 There is my good friend, my lord Timelagg, a noble- 
 man of the first distinction; he is so taken up through the 
 week, with contriving how to provide for himself and his 
 creatures, that he is in no condition to go to church on Sun- 
 day, but chooses some convenient part of it for an airing, 
 either in the coach with my lady, or on horseback with 
 his cousin 'squire Idle. Mrs. Housekeeper also is very 
 closely employed in preparing tea and chocolate against 
 their return. Mr. Steward is very busy in preparing his 
 rent rolls, studiously contriving how to extract an estate 
 for himself, out of his master's, so that he cannot go to 
 
70 DIALOGUES 
 
 church at any rate. The footman, and my lady's woman 
 must needs attend their master and mistress; the coach- 
 man and postillion must^uide the machine; the butler and 
 groom must be within call, one to take care of the horses, 
 and the other to furnish with claret or champaign; so that 
 the minister is very little obliged to his lordship for find- 
 ing him an auditory to preach to. 
 
 The London tradesmen come up as near to his lord- 
 ship's example as their circumstances will admit of. 
 Their spirits are quite exhausted with the fatigues of 
 weekly business; therefore, instead of leading their fami- 
 lies duly to church, you may meet squadrons of them 
 every Saturday night and Sunday morning, going to re- 
 gale themselves with a Sunday's pleasure, which consists 
 in eating, carousing, and riding. 
 
 Then there is your sabbath day visiters; very genteel 
 people. The tea table gossips are much concerned here: 
 you may find hundreds of tables, the conversation of which 
 is supported at the expense of the reputation of some ab- 
 sent. For it must be observed that our gossips are so ab- 
 solutely destitute of innate ideas, and are such perfect 
 strangers to the affairs of civil life, that they cannot sup- 
 port conversation five minutes at a sitting but by the help 
 of slander. Hence some people have said that slander is 
 the very soul of conversation. And sure enough, if yoa 
 pick out all the slanderous expressions from the conversa- 
 tion of our gossips, you will have but a very scanty frag- 
 ment remaining. 
 
 There are others so given up to indolence, that they 
 keep great part of the Sabbath in bed, on a couch, or in 
 the easy chair. These people are so exceedingly opprest 
 with the weight of their own bodies that they can attend 
 at neither church nor chapel, although active enough the 
 other parts of the week; and yet they are good christians, 
 and hope to go to heaven when they die: and yet they 
 seldom think of any thing but living for ever; in order to 
 which they eat, drink, and sleep away the sabbath. These 
 go by the name of lazy sabbath-breakers; and all who are 
 employed the whole morning in preparing superfluities 
 for dinner live along with them. 
 
 Another class of sabbath-breakers consists of the petty 
 dealers, who buy or sell commodities, for back or belly, 
 on the sabbath day. We call them the mistrustful sab- 
 
OF DEVILS. n 
 
 bath breakers, because they cannot trust God with their 
 customers; and slothful sabbath breakers, because they do 
 not provide for their families on the six days appointed 
 for labour. England, with all its bravery, is horribly dis- 
 graced by a set of profane people, such as grocers, chan- 
 dlers, butchers, barbers, and bakers, who will not miss the 
 taking a penny on the sabbath any more than another 
 day. Besides them, there are tailors, mantua and shoe- 
 makers, who, with their late finishes, make great en- 
 croachments on the sabbath, and that in the most open 
 manner. 
 
 Infidelis. I thought in England the law had made 
 provision against sucii enormous breaches of the sabbath, 
 
 Impiator. Yes, the lavv's do indeed make provision for 
 the suppression of such vices; but I have the pleasure of 
 seeing the enforcing of those laws very often left with 
 people who are entirely devoted to my interest; so the 
 laws are frequently asleep when I am awake, and upon 
 my rounds. 
 
 But there is another tribe, against whom there is no hu- 
 man law. I mean the thinking sabbath-breakers; a care- 
 ful industrious set of people, esteemed by all, and known 
 but to few. They are constantly employed through the 
 week, and are glad of the Sabbath's approach, that they 
 may repair their bodily fatigue, and give a free scope to 
 their plodding minds. When they awake on the Sabbath 
 morning, they are deeply contemplating some transac- 
 tions of the past week, or concerting measures proper to 
 be followed in the ensuing. Nor does the man alter his 
 subject when he goes to church. No, he is quite uniform. 
 Try him, and you will find him all of a piece. Let the 
 parson choose what subject he will, the other sticks to his 
 text; so that it often happens when the minister thinks 
 bis auditory is collected, and the bulk of his parish ap- 
 pear at church, he is mistaken; for the greatest part of 
 those whom he thinks to be present are only there in ap- 
 pearance; their minds, tlieir better part, being absent on 
 other occasions. 
 
 For instance, the parson sometimes thinks that he sees 
 •squire Folly, and madam his lady, in the front pew of the 
 right hand gallery: but he is mistaken; for only their bo- 
 dies are there; their minds are absent. As for the 'squire, 
 he is busy chasing the hare or fox over all the hedges and 
 
n DIALOGUES 
 
 ditches in bis manor; and his lad j is mentally at this ball, 
 or the other assembly; or at this play, or the other operas 
 or perhaps she is cheapening silks at Mr. Cant's, silk- 
 mercer, on Ludgate iiill. 
 
 Sometimes the merchant seems to be at church: how- 
 ever, he is only there in body, his soul having sailed ia 
 the good ship Bonad venture, to buy slaves on the coast 
 of Guinea, or barter goods at Bengal or Malabar. The 
 mercer, draper, and grocer, seem sometimes to be there; 
 but frequently it is an imposition: for although their bodies 
 may indeed be present, their souls are gone on a journey, 
 to visit their customers, or left at home in the counting- 
 house, balancing their books, or examining their trades- 
 men's bills, that they may know with whom they can deal 
 to the greatest advantage; perhaps issuing forth a capias 
 against 'squire Latepay, a gentleman well known to those 
 dealers; or it may be the soul is busy entering protests 
 against certain extravagant manufacturers. 
 
 As for the industrious farmer, you may well think he 
 has something else to employ his mind than either ser- 
 mon or prayers; for it must needs require much thought 
 and forecast to determine right where to sow his wheat, 
 where his clover, and what land to set apart for hemp, 
 how to dispose of his young colt, and the grey horse, who 
 is in danger of losing his eyes. And he, good man, hath 
 found, from long experience, that he can contrive better 
 at church than any where else; and being willing to thrive 
 in the world, he will let slip no opportunity proper for 
 advantageous consideration. 
 
 But 1 can tell you, sir, if the people so frequently put 
 the cheat upon their parson, he in his turn retaliates upon 
 them; and many times when the congregation flatter 
 themselves that they see the parson in, and hear his voice 
 from the pulpit, thay are mistaken, for it is only his 
 body, his soul being attending the levee of this noble- 
 man, or the other bishop, making his court for a fatter 
 benefice. These, sir, are some of the thinking sabbath- 
 breakers. 
 
 Then there are the mad sabbath-breakers, a set of the 
 very dregs of humanitj; and yet by some means or other 
 their impious practices are connived at, notwithstanding 
 interdicted by all laws, divine and human. Such are 
 our pellet throwers in Yorkshire and Durham; our foot? 
 
OF DEVILS. 73 
 
 hall tossers, who are found all over the nation; our 
 ieapers, runners, tavern-hunters, and all, of every de- 
 nomination, who exercise themselves in any spurt on 
 the Sabbath, are stationed along with the mad sabbath- 
 breakers. 
 
 Last of all there are our religious sabbath-breakers, a 
 district that is formed of party zealots and self-seekers, 
 both preachers and hearers. As for tlie former, their doc- 
 trine is various. One man preaches the pO])e, another 
 preaches the councils. One preacb.eS St. Dominick, ano- 
 ther St. Francis. One preaches episcopacy like the great 
 Sacheverel, another preaches presbytery, as the only way 
 of salvation. One preaches up mankind in general, and 
 another preaches his own personal endowments in par- 
 ticulars; but us for preaching Jesus Christ, that is quite 
 foreign to their purpose, and is therefore left to be per- 
 formed by others. Thus, sire, you have had a view of 
 the canton of sabbath-breakers. 
 
 IxFiDELis. And a noble canton it is, my son, both rich 
 and populous, of great service to us, and vast enlargement 
 to the territories of Beelzebub. Hov/ illustrious is the 
 throne of great Impiatorl I long to have a description of 
 the rest of your kingdom, but for the present I must be 
 gone, my son. "Will you please to give me the meeting 
 Here to-morrow morning.'^ 
 
 iMPiAToa. 1 will, sir. Adieu. 
 
 DIALOGUE VI. 
 
 FASTOSUS AND AVARO. 
 
 Privy to the appointment between Fastosusand Avaro, 
 I resolved to stay their coming, and had not been long 
 before I saw them at a distance, walking up the valley to- 
 wards me. Arrived at the usual place of conference, Fas- 
 tosus struck twice with his rod on the earth, and instantly 
 there arose two thrones of the blackest ebony, one of 
 Vi^hich he occupied himselfj and the other was filled by 
 
 7 
 
74 DIALOGUES 
 
 his cousin, Avaro. Thus enthroned, Fastosus opened the 
 conversation, whilst I seized the pen, and sat eager to 
 catch the fleeting sound. 
 
 Fastosus. You know, Avaro, when we parted in the 
 morning, I was going to assist my \sidy Gaiety to dress for 
 her visit to my good lord Frolick. I went accordingly, 
 and hard work I assure you we had of it. As soon as I ap- 
 peared before the toilet, I received orders to render my- 
 self invisible, and not to depart the room, that I might 
 be in readiness to adjust her head dress and bosom orna- 
 ments. Yes, madam, said I, I will give your ladyship 
 due attendance. With that I rendered myself invisible to 
 her, but continued visible to all other beholders. So to 
 dressing we went. First we ornamented the feet, which 
 was attended with very considerable difficulty. It cost 
 us several tyings and untyings before her ladyship was 
 pleased with her own foot. At last, having finished tha 
 feei, and my lady viewed them several times in every po- 
 sition, we proceeded to other parts of the important work. 
 First we did and then we undid every part of the finery. 
 But our hardest work about the head and bosom was, how 
 to put one as much as possible out of its native form, and 
 to expose the other so as to make sure of attracting the 
 eyes of beholders. Monsieur Frisseur, who was our as- 
 sistant, gave it as his opinion, that to come up to the very 
 zenith of the mode, it was necessary she should bear a 
 head as much as possible in resemblance to a ram without 
 horns; and Mrs. Prude, my lady's woman, told us plain- 
 ly, that Mrs. Pander, whose province it is to establish fe- 
 male customs, had expressly declared, every lady v/orth 
 above one hundred a year ought, in a full dress, to wear 
 her bosom quite naked. My lady is adorned with excel- 
 lent hair, but it vv'ill not serve her except it bear a look 
 the most unnatural possible. Her skin, fair as alabaster, 
 we were obliged to daub with patches, the colour of Beel- 
 zebub's coat, as a token of her loyalty to the black prince 
 of the nether regions. But how to place these patches 
 was a question of no ordinary concern, and hardly re- 
 solved at last. First we tried one large patch on her 
 chin; but my lady soon perceived that it hid the beaute- 
 ous dimple which nature had there imprest, and there- 
 fore it was presently removed. Then we tried how the 
 cheek would answer | but alae! it obscured the lively rose, 
 
OF DEVILS. 75 
 
 Vnich is a native there, and which my ladj takes great 
 delight to view in her glass; on this account we exempt- 
 ed the cheek from the Ijurden. At last, after much anxi- 
 ety, and very serious consideration, it was resolved that 
 we should fix it on the middle of her forehead, resemblino; 
 the eye of a cyclops, and put a little one on the left side 
 of her chin, bearing the likeness of a mole. However, 
 it cost several trials with them in both places ere the 
 patches would lie agreeable to lier ladyship's fancy. 
 
 AvARQ. Ah! Fastosus, if the ladies only knew how ri- 
 diculous they make themselves look in the eyes of the 
 juditious, they would be very loath thus to deform their 
 native beauty. What delicate beauty! what perfect come- 
 liness, do we see rendered disagreeable and ridiculous by 
 these transformations! And how can they be but disa- 
 greeable and ridiculous, when all the decorations of na- 
 ture lie concealed, and nothing appears but the manufac- 
 tory of art, that great supplanter of nature.^ Such ladies 
 are certainly greatly deceived by you, Fastosus; for the 
 end proposed by all those metamorphoses is to render 
 themselves agreeable to the gentlemen, whereas they pro- 
 duce the contrary efiect. Art can never beget love. This 
 is nature's work alone. Art may indeed excite lust; but 
 nature alone begets that love which a virtuous lady would 
 strive to obtain. It is strange, Fastosus, that nature has 
 80 little, and alTectation such great concern among people 
 of fashion as at this day. Well, 1 hope you pleased her 
 at last? 
 
 Fastosus. Yes, yes, I hope I did; but my work did 
 not end with madam; for Mrs. Prude, b.er vvoman, who 
 was assisting us in the equipment of lier lady, and often 
 put her tongue into her cheek, and bit her lip, to prevent 
 her laughing out when she saw her mistress's vanity, as 
 boon as I had done with her lady, beseeched me that 1 
 would put a few pins into her clothes, because she was to 
 attend her mistress to lord Frolic's; and notwithstanding 
 my patience was almost spent before, I was obliged to stay 
 ever so long, pinning and unpinning her; for Mrs. Prude 
 affected the fine gentlewoman almost as much as her 
 mistress. 
 
 But what vexed me worse than all the rest was, just as 
 I got to the bottom of the stairs, to make my escape, the 
 
7Q DIALOGUES 
 
 cook maid caught me in her greasy arm?, and begged ms 
 to assist her to dress herself in her half-holiday clothes, as 
 her sweetheart was to take the advantage of her lad^-'s ab- 
 sence, to come and visit her. I could not deny the girl? 
 because I really thought she had need of considerable 
 amendinent before she presented herself to her lover. So 
 after we had pinned and unpinned a considerable time, I 
 burst through the casement, to avoid the importunity of 
 the laundry and chamber maids, whom I saw coming. 
 Thus I gave them the slip; for those ladies, and their fe- 
 male attendants, would drudge any devil in hell off his 
 feet, might tliey h?tve their own way. But I am right 
 glad that I am come hither from among them. 
 
 AvARo. Then, sir, I perceive, with all your greatness, 
 you have no objections to assisting a waiting woman or a 
 cookmaid occasionally. 
 
 Fastosus. No objection at all, cousin. The soul of a 
 "Waiting woman will fill a vacancy in hell as well as that 
 of her lady. The difference is this, the lady of honour is 
 capable of drawing more to hell along with her than her 
 waiting woman can; therefore I choose to make sure of 
 the mistress, and for the most part, the maid comes along 
 by her example. But as soon as we get them safely en- 
 closed within our flaming prison, we let them see we are 
 DO respecter of person?; for the mistress and her maids, 
 my lord and his valet, the 'squire and his groom, have all 
 the same apartment allotted them, feed all at the same ta- 
 ble, drink of the same cup, and are served by the same 
 devil, whom they never find to be sparing of his liquor^ 
 but to serve them plenteously, though much contrary to 
 their inclinations. 
 
 AvARO. That doctrine you nnpreach when you attend 
 npon them, Fastosus. You wisely keep your thumb upon 
 that. And indeed it is well so to do; for comely as your 
 appearance is, they would discard you else. Serious 
 thoughts of futurity would spoil all our sport, uncle. 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, I am not such a half-wit 
 as to tell my lord tliat his riches and grandeur, if not 
 duly improved, will sink him lower in the bottomless 
 abvss than the rustic pleb-an; nor am I such an incon= 
 siderate devil as to tell him that his hunting, hawking, 
 horse-coursing, cock-fighting, card-playing, diinkingj 
 
OF DEVILS. 77 
 
 swearing, whoring, &c. are the broad way to never end- 
 ing torment. Neither do I foolishly tell my lady that 
 balls, assemblies, plays, &.c. are the rosy paths which 
 lead most infallibly to ruin. No, no, let me alone for 
 that; I warrant me I can keep my counsel well enough; 
 and as for them, they will find all out at last, without any 
 instruction. 
 
 AvARo. If I remember right, Fastosus, when we 
 parted last you w^ere relating the manner in which you 
 made your entrance good amongst men. I should be 
 glad, sir, if you will be so obliging as to finish that ac- 
 count. 
 
 Fastosus. I purpose it, Avaro. You may remember I 
 told you that great Beelzebub having discovered the wo- 
 man to be the weaker vessel, he made no attempts upon 
 the virtue of the man, but resolved, by all means, to se- 
 duce the woman, not doubting but she would bring over 
 her husband to our interest along v/ith her. It happened 
 one night that Adam had a dream, ominous of our con- 
 quest, which made him very fearful lest any part of his 
 or his wife's conduct should promote the dire event; 
 therefore he reasoned with her conceruing their duty to 
 their Creator, gave her the strictest charge to keep out of 
 the way of temptation, and withal informed her that he 
 was not without his fears even upon her account. But 
 she, for her part, just as the devil would have it, resolved 
 to separate herself from her husband that day, which she 
 had never done before. Whether she thought to endear 
 herself more to him, by letting him see how well she 
 would resist temptation, if any should oUer, or took it 
 rather ill to be under his tutorage, 1 pretend not to say; 
 but maugre all his entreaties, she would go forth by her- 
 self, into a distant walk, to gather some delicious ber- 
 ries, for an innocent repast for her and her lord at 
 noon. 
 
 This was an opportunity just to Beelzebub's wish, and 
 he took care to improve it to advantage. I told you be- 
 fore, that previous to this he had possessed the body of a 
 beautiful snake, in those days man's familiar domestic; 
 and now finding Eve at a distance from her husband, the 
 serpent discovered himself to her, and with more than 
 animal gestures attracted her eye. Captivated with its 
 
78 DIALOGUES 
 
 unusual motion, she stood ravished with its beauties, snd 
 admu'ing its agility. As it drew near to her, she put forth 
 her gentle hand', stroked its skin, and the subtle animal, 
 after its manner, returned the compliment, by laying its 
 shining head on her lap. Their station was near to the 
 tree of knowledge of good and evil, upon which the for- 
 bidden fruit luxuriously hung. To this tree the serpent 
 frequently looked, with all the languishment of ardent 
 desire, until once he made sure that the woman observed 
 it, "Lie still, thou pretty creature," said she, (stroking 
 it) "what makes thee look so earnestly at that prohibited 
 fruit.^" "Ah I thou fair goddess," returned the serpent, 
 "I have good reason to admire the sovereign virtue of 
 that delicious tree, for I was created only in a brutal sta- 
 tion, without consciousness of mind, or the use of my 
 tongue; until, being on my thoughtless ramble yesterday, 
 I chanced to espy this amazing tree, whose fruit hangs 
 in such luxuriance. After a short pause, such as a brute 
 may be capable of, I climbed up the tree, and began to 
 feast on the most delicious fruit that ever was eaten. Joy- 
 ful at my happy fate, I soon became sensible of a self- 
 conscious mind, capable of discerning between good and 
 evil. Soon my tongue, which before cleaved to the roof 
 of my mouth, was untied, and I could express sentiments 
 of joy in the most rational manner. And now, when I 
 met with you, I was going to renew my repast on the 
 fruit of that soverei^^n tree." 
 
 AvARo. Oh! Fastosus! The most subtle scheme that 
 ever was heard of ! Well, this may be spoken to the ho- 
 nour of Beelzebub, when I am dead and gone. 
 
 Fastosus. Well, but Satan did not then know of the 
 happy consequences that have since arisen from this af- 
 fair, to some part of the human race. However, having 
 laid his snare with all the subtility he was master of, he 
 thought it well to assault the pure mind of Eve with un- 
 belief.* He asked her, if the reason why she was so di- 
 vinely beautiful was not her feeding often upon the fruit 
 of that so sovereign a tree? The woman answerd, " No, 
 we have never so much as once tasted of it, but invaria- 
 bly observed the command of our Creator, who hath put 
 
 * See p. 38. 
 
OF DEVILS. 79 
 
 us into this garden, and said unto us, Of every tree of 
 the garden ye may freely eat, but tlie fruit of the tree 
 of knowledge of good and evil ye may not eat; for in the 
 day ye eat thereof ye shall surely die." To which the 
 gerpent answered: " Indeed! Did he really say so? Are 
 you not mistaken, think you? Die too! AVhy am not I dead 
 then; I who have eaten of it so plenteously? No, no, you 
 shall not die. That is only an empty threatening, to keep 
 you in subjection to him; for he very v/ell knows that the 
 moment you eat thereof you shall be like himself, know- 
 ing good and evil; no longer be man and woman, but be- 
 come gods." 
 
 The woman replied, *^^ye, but, my pretty creature, 
 how shall I know that I shall be a goddess, if I should 
 venture to eat of that desirable fruit." *'Know!" said 
 tiie serpent, *'you may easily know it, if you consider 
 that, if 1, who was created only a brute beast, am, by 
 eating the fruit of this tree, exalted to humanity, you, 
 who are more than half a God already, shall certainly, 
 by so doing, be exalted to real divinity." With these 
 words he injected into her bosom some seeds of my na- 
 ture, which fermented to that degree, that nothing would 
 now serve her turn but to be deified. Sagacious Beel- 
 zebub, perceiving the uproar I had made in her mind, 
 introduced all the train of real vices which now infect 
 the human species, subjected her wholly to his sway; 
 and she, as his instrument, could have no rest until 
 she got her husband's neck also fast in Beelzebub's 
 yoke. 
 
 Thus was pride first introduced into the terrene crea- 
 tion; and thus was man subjected to my powerful sway. 
 Being brought forth in the heart of man, 1 arrived in- 
 stantly at full growth; involved them in sorrow; envel- 
 oped them in blindness and i^^norance; and instead of 
 that happiness and dignity which Beelzebub had promis- 
 ed them, of becoming gods, I brought forth in thern 
 trusty Shame, the elder born of my earthly family; and 
 he, as a spirit of great power, made Adam and Eve fly 
 to a thicket, to hide themselves from the presence of an 
 offended God. Instead of becoming gods, I transformed 
 them into the image and likeness of father Beelzebub, 
 in which image they begat and brought forth their chil- 
 dren. It was now that i begat the lovely Discordant; 
 
»0 DIALOGUES 
 
 to Gs the more lovely, because he is antinatural. No 
 sooner was he born, but he sounded a trumpet, and cried, 
 " To arms, to arms." Then you might have seen the 
 rhinoceros and elephant, the eagle and dragon, the lion, 
 panther, and wolf, appear in all the fury of martial spirit, 
 and proclaim an eternal war against one another: Nor 
 were Adam and Eve exempted from domestic uneasiness 
 tliemselves. 
 
 AvARo. All this worked just as the devil would have 
 it; and greatly enlarged the territories of hell, by annex- 
 ing earth to the infernal crown. Well, uncle, I perceive, 
 by your account, that you are the father of sin, in tlie 
 mind of both angels and men. 
 
 Fastosus. True, Avaro, I am: and so well is my 
 power established, that I am the very last that shall be 
 subdued, and rooted out of the hearts, even of those 
 that hate me, and who at last shall be delivered from 
 my yoke. This is true, cousin, whether you believe it 
 or not; and 1 assure you that 1 have the pleasure of 
 giving many a painful heart-pang, even to those who 
 curse my name and nature. But to my story, cousin. 
 I manifested my powerful sway over man in the case of 
 my faithful servant Cain; not only in his bloody revenge 
 against his brother Abel, who had revolted from our 
 government, but in making him despair under his piin- 
 iihment. 
 
 I triumphed gloriously over the inhabitants of the ante- 
 diluvian world, who, for my sake, scorned to submit to 
 the commandments of God, resolving to be guided by the 
 thoughts of their own hearts, all of which were inspired 
 by me; therefore every thought and imagination of the 
 heart was only evil continually. I wrought them up to 
 such a degree of rebellion, that the Almighty resolved to 
 bear with them no longer, but to sweep them away with 
 the besom of destruction; yet he would not do it without 
 giving them proper warning, and calling them to repent- 
 ance and reformation. One Noah, a famous preacher of 
 righteousness, was the instrument raised up on this oc- 
 casion; and to be sure the man preached faithfully and 
 fervently: But I had the pleasure of hardening the peo- 
 ple's hearts to that degree, that he met with nothing but 
 abuse for his pains. Every body accounted him to be a 
 fraotic enthusiast, fanatic, or metliodist, until the divine 
 
OF DEVILS. 81 
 
 patience wa? quite worn out, and their destruction came 
 upon them by a deluge, which swept them all from the 
 face of the earth, except this same Noah and his family; 
 and for ray part I do not remember a time on which hell 
 had so many visitants at once as then. 
 
 AvARo. But how could Noah and his family be saved, 
 when the deluge came upon all the earth? 
 
 Fastosus. V/hy, Avaro, it was by the help of a ship, 
 which he v/as taught to build. For this same Noah 
 was the first ship carpenter in the world; and although 
 a prince, he was not above labouring with his hands. 
 But it galls me to think how the Almighty mixes mercy 
 with judgment; for in this destruction, which he brought 
 upon the old world, he taught the new world the most 
 necessary and useful art of navigation, by means of 
 which he will spread the knowledge of himself over all 
 the earth. 
 
 After this I set up my lofty standard on the plains of 
 Shinar. Multitudes flocked to it, and became my humble 
 servants. It was now I projected a scheme of erecting 
 & tower, equal in altitude to Jacob's ladder. Two spe- 
 cial advantages, I alleged to them, would accrue from it 
 when finished. The first, to perpetuate their name to 
 the latest posterity. The second, and greatest advan- 
 tage, would be, that thereby they might bid defiance to 
 the Almighty: such provision beins: made for their safety, 
 that, on the first appearances of judgment begun, they 
 might retire to the tower, where the waters could not 
 follovv^ them. But here, you may observe, I played the 
 4evil with the children of men; for although I flattered 
 tliem with such advantages, I believed in my heart that 
 such a presumptuous, daring undertaking, vrould have 
 provoked the Almighty utterly to have destroyed them, 
 root and branch. And indeed, at one time, t thought I 
 had gained my point; for he did come down and con- 
 found their language in such a manner that the great 
 design miscarried. It was diverting to hear the brick- 
 layer call for mortar, and, lo! a box of brick was brought 
 him. Another calls for bricks, and the server runs for 
 a board of mortar. One calls out for a level, and he 
 receives a plumb-line. Another asks for a square, and 
 a level is brought him. The bricklayers, provoked to 
 fee themselves mocked by tlieir servants, not as yet 
 
82 DIALOGUES 
 
 knowing their language to be confounded, began to lajf 
 their resentment upon the bones of their labourers; and 
 the labourers, considering themselves as very ill used, 
 returned the abuse upon the builders; and thus they 
 quarrelled and bickered, until ihey were fain to leave 
 off the work, and betake themselves to other employ- 
 ments. 
 
 But, alas! cousin, in this affair the devil was outwitted, 
 for we all thought that this haughty attempt would have 
 provoked God utterly to destroy 'them. But he made 
 use of our project only to send them abroad to people 
 the earth, the more widely to make his glories known. 
 And, to the deep mortification of all our black fra- 
 tei^nity, especially father Beelzebub, upon the ruins of 
 the tower was written, in everlasting characters, the 
 following motto: ** Here the devil overshot himself." 
 But this was a trifling disappointment, in comparison of 
 many others, some of which I may perhaps give you an 
 account of. 
 
 Wherever the sons of Noah vv'ent, I went along with 
 them; and not a great number of years had the earth 
 been dry, before I persuaded them to forge, found, and 
 carve to themselves objects of religious adoration more 
 agreeable to their fancy than the God who made them. 
 And by this means it was that pagan idolatry was intro- 
 duced, which, strictly speaking, is the religion of pride 
 alone; even as the present Roman catholic religion is that 
 of pride and covetousness. 
 
 I will tell you strange things of my government, Ava- 
 ro, at a time convenient: but as we were coming along 
 you mentioned somewhat about the clergy of France. 
 Pray, what of them, cousin? 
 
 AvARo. I have often, sir, made honourable mention 
 of the dutiful disposition of my dear children, the French 
 parsons. But I had, some years ago, occasion to try an 
 experiment, which greatly quickened their devotion, and 
 clothed the face of all the country with poignant sorrow. 
 By their unwearied pursuit of the interest of the church, 
 that is to say, by their coaxing, wheedling, and threaten- 
 ing of people out of their goods and chattels, for the be- 
 nefit of the clergy, they were grown so fat and purse- 
 proud, they were not able to say half of the masses they 
 were paid for, nor to attend upon the duties of their pre- 
 
OF DEVILS. 83 
 
 tended devotion; which, persisting in, they themselves 
 would have contributed to the opening of people's eves, 
 to discover the cheat. 
 
 I imagined that nothing could be more suitable than 
 physic, to purge off some of their grossness. I went 
 straight to Versailles, demanded an interview with the 
 most Christian Louis, and accordingly was introduced 
 by one of the lords of his bed-chamber. As soon as he 
 had done me greeting after the royal manner, proportion- 
 able to his very great esteem for me, I opened the con- 
 versation in the following manner: " My royal friend, 
 said I, perceiving that you have been ransacking the 
 world lately in quest of gold, to supply your pressing 
 and growing wants, I am come to inform you where you 
 may meet with store of moidores, yea, treasures in abund- 
 ance, without travelling out of your own dominions." 
 *' Is it possible," said he. '• I pray thee, lovely spirit, 
 where are the golden heaps to be found?" I replied, ''The 
 clergy, the clergy, sir, are so overgrown in riches, that 
 they are hardly able to say an hospitable mass for the 
 dead, or even to go about to cheat and defraud people 
 out of their money and souls, as heretofore." " Ungrate- 
 ful villains, said he, to hoard up their money to lie by 
 them useless, when I, their king, am just at the point of 
 becoming bankrupt. I will ease them of their burden, I 
 warrant you. I will let them for once know that they 
 have another master besides the pope, and leave it to 
 them to replace their stores the nearest v/ay they can." 
 I was not afraid but my scheme v/ould work to my mind; 
 for I took him at the very nick of time when the king of 
 England had emptied his coffers, by destrojing his naval 
 force and trade; and, poor gentleman, he knew not well 
 how to fill them again. 
 
 Glad of such an opportunity, he assembled the heads 
 of the clergy, and demanded of them an exorbitant sum, 
 in the way of a free gift. A very genteel way of robbing 
 the church indeed I The holy gownsmen, like dear chil- 
 dren of their good Avaro, showed themselves as tena- 
 cious of their gold as the paw of a lion is of its prey. 
 They used every argument which priestly subtility could 
 invent; they lugged in both heaven and earth as pro- 
 tectors of their property. Yea, they even told him that 
 to command them to part with their money was no leas 
 
84 DIALOGUES 
 
 than robbing the Almighty; just as if the Almighty and 
 them were partners in the trade of priestcraft. But 
 clergymen have the advantage of all princes, in that 
 their cause is always the cause of God, althouoh God 
 has, in reality, nothing to do with them or it. They held 
 both with teeth and hands, rather than generously as- 
 sist their sovereign, though now become almost insolvent. 
 But you know the proverb, '* The weaker goes to the 
 wall." And so it was with them. He, being stronger 
 than they, prevailed; and altliough their money came 
 from their coffers like blood from their hearts, they were 
 obliged to comply. But I can assure you the parting 
 with it cost them more real distress of soul than ever 
 the selling of their consciences to obtain it had done. 
 The sorrow of the priests is, for the most part, a farce; 
 but their sorrow on this occasion was deep, and un- 
 feigned. 
 
 It was not a great while after, that moidores failed a se- 
 cond time, and other resources being drained, he again 
 had recourse to the sons of the clergy, and did by them 
 as they commonly do by the laity. I mean, their money 
 being gone, he was content with stripping them of their 
 plate; so that were you now to see the cabinet of a French 
 priest, you would find it as empty of plate as Glaud the 
 shepherd's pantry. And I am of opinion that Louis, hav- 
 ing once found the way to their nest, he will take care 
 they be no more overgrown in riches. But to repair their 
 late losses, they can now look out for a prey with as 
 much penetration as an eagle, and are as rapid as a pan- 
 ther in seizing on it. 
 
 Fastosus. It is my opinion, cousin, that if princes 
 were to take care that the church should not become too 
 rich, there would not be so many religions as there are. 
 But who would not be a priest or a nun, when they may 
 roll amidst the blessings of both worlds, and, under 
 the pretence of religious retirement, enjoy every thing 
 gi-ateful to the flesh, in the greatest luxuriance, with- 
 out any labour or toil of their own? 1 assure you, cou- 
 sin, if 1 were not a devil, I would choose to be a priest 
 myself. 
 
 AvARo. Being a priest is not such a great privilege 
 now as it has been; though it is still preferable to any 
 trade of the lay kind. The expulsion of the Jesuit* 
 
OF DEVILS. 85 
 
 has been very injurious to priestcraft. The church is 
 sure to thrive in the reign of a prince who is under the 
 direction of a Jesuitical confessorj and the priesthood 
 will always find in him a powerful protector: But I fear 
 much that the princes of Europe, from their late ad- 
 vances, will at last throw off the yoke of ecclesiastical 
 tyranny. 
 
 Fastosus. In fact, cousin, it is not a little strange that 
 they have not done it ere now. Nothing can be more 
 preposterous than for a prince, who hath sovereign sway 
 over extensive dominions, to be under the control of an 
 arrogant priest, as if it were by him that kings reign and 
 princes decree judgment. Or as if he were the prince of 
 the kings of the earth. 
 
 However, cousin, you forget that it is time for us to go 
 on our nocturnal circuits. Mine is very extensive^ I 
 must, therefore, bid you adieu. To-morrow morning let 
 us meet here. 
 
 DIALOGUE YII. 
 
 INFIDELIS AND DIPIATOR. 
 
 From what 1 had heard and seen, you may think I 
 took care not to be too late in attending the sable gentry 
 m Horrida Vallis, where I was hid before any of them 
 arrived, and prepared for taking down their discourse; 
 the first of which, that 1 heard, was by Infidelis to Im- 
 piator. 
 
 Infidelis. How illustrious is thy throne! How exten- 
 sive are thy dominions I Oh, great Impiator, my son! 
 Before you the greatest grandees of the earth do bow. 
 Will you please, my son, to finish your account of the re- 
 maining part of your territories? 
 
 Impiator. I will, sir. And you may observe that 
 the fifth canton is that of the adulterers and fornicators. 
 These are divided into literal and mjstical. The class 
 
 8 
 
16 DIALOGUES 
 
 of literal adulterers and fornicators are so fashionable 
 and notorious a people, that a description of them seems 
 unnecessary^ and so very disagreeable, that it would be 
 offensive to you. I shall therefore do no more than de- 
 scribe their dwelling, and assure you, sire, that every 
 individual of them is a very humble servant to your son 
 Impiator. Their dwelling is on the banks of a river, 
 the source of which is in the court, which runs through 
 every part of the king's dominions, carrying the inhabit- 
 ants along with it, and at last disembogues itself into 
 hell, where all adulterers and fornicators shall infallibly 
 be tormented, as a proper counter balance for their 
 fleshly pleasures; where, instead of women, they shall 
 have devils; instead of wine, the sulphurous liquid; 
 and instead of beds of down, the boisterous billows of 
 Phlegeton. 
 
 Next to them are the mystical adulterers and fornica- 
 tors. By whom I mean all that have any commerce with 
 the whore of Rome; that old bawd with the scarlet gown. 
 Or, in other words, all who have the mark of the beast 
 either on their foreheads or their right hands, and such 
 who have this mark upon both. 
 
 By those who have the mark of the beast upon their 
 foreheads, I mean the worthy preachers and hearers of 
 the Armenian doctrine of the church of Rome; as also 
 the straight-hooped gentlemen, who believe with the 
 charitable Italians, that there can be no true faith but 
 that which they profess, nor salvation but in their com- 
 munity. The far greater part of the clergy belong to 
 the former, and the good Sandemanians belong to tke 
 latter class of doctrinal papists, or mystical adulterers. 
 
 By those who have the mark of the beast upon their 
 right hand, I mean the practical papists, the whole bulk 
 of the holy catholic church; and besides them, all that 
 do the works of the beast, after the example of that or- 
 thodox church. By the v/orks of the beast some under- 
 stand every part of religion which is not founded upon 
 scripture institution. Such, say they, are consecrating 
 of churches, and baptising of bells; dedication of meet- 
 ing houses to certain saints or angels, as the patrons of 
 parishes; the worshipping of saints and angels, by cele- 
 brating an annual festival in honour of their name; such 
 are your observers of high festivals, abstinence from 
 
OF DEVILS. 87 
 
 neat at certain seasons of the jearj worshipping towards 
 the east, as if God were not every where present; bow- 
 ing at the name of Jesus, as if it was more august than 
 that of Jehovah, &c. Such, sir, with many more whom 
 I might name, are the mystical adulterers and forni- 
 cators. 
 
 Infidelis. Aye, but, my son, you have not told me 
 which are the fornicators, and which the adulterers. I 
 want to hear thatj for the one is usually distinguished 
 from the other. 
 
 Impiator. Yes, sir, they are distinguishable enough; 
 for the practical professed papists, who profess not the 
 least degree of relation to Jesus Christ, as the head of the 
 Christian church, but own themselves to be the adorers 
 of the whore, who sits on many waters, are held to be the 
 fornicators; whereas nominal protestants profess them- 
 selves married to Jesus Christ, as the great head of the 
 Christian church, and notwithstanding this pretended 
 marriage with him, maintain a doctrinal commerce with 
 the whore of Rome; on which account they are to be held 
 as the adulterers. 
 
 The sixth canton is the murderer's habitation, v/iiich 
 is divided into two grand divisions. In the first are mur- 
 derers of others. These are subdivided into petty can- 
 tons. In the first of which live the mental murderers, 
 Just upon the frontiers of the country. They are a peo- 
 ple Vvho, without just cause, are angry with their neigh- 
 bours. This lambent flame they inwardly cherish, until 
 revenge is begotten along with hatred, envy, and malice. 
 With them, therefore, nothing is wantino; but opportu- 
 nity to destroy the reputation and life of the object of 
 their hatred, with safety to themselves; but very often it 
 happens that their hatred and revenge destroy their sub- 
 jects ere they have an opportunity of avenging them- 
 fcelves. The verbal murderers live next to them, in a 
 very spacious country, because they are very numerous. 
 By the verbal murderers I mean those who withhold 
 from the character of others the good which they do de- 
 serve, and speak of them the evil which they do not 
 deserve, or even the evil which they do deserve, in a 
 way in which they would not wish others to speak of 
 the'mselves, in like circumstances. I attend, for my 
 part, in many companies, where the conversation can- 
 
88 DIALOGUES 
 
 not possibly be supported for a quarter of an hour, but at 
 the expense of some absent acquaintance. And so fashion- 
 able is this in polite life, that it is become a proverb, 
 *' That scandal is the very life and soul of conversa- 
 tion. " To this petty canton belong all talebearers, back- 
 biters, railers, evil surmisers, and particularly the very 
 obliging gentry, who tack but to the end of all their en- 
 comiums oti ethers; as, '^He is a good sort of a gentle- 
 man, but; or she is an agreeable lady enough, but;" 
 where, you may observe, that little unintelligible word 
 but, stabs the gentleman and lady's reputation through 
 End through. 
 
 Having passed through this, you come into the coun- 
 try of those who murder with their looks. In this coun- 
 try you may see an eye to curse a man to hell and dam- 
 nation, and an eyebrow call a man a scoundrel, and 
 knock him dovrn. The Rev. Mr. Adam Gib, primate of 
 the associate synod in Scotland, has lately had his heart 
 Mounded so deeply, by the looks of some of his elders, 
 that it is thought he cannot recover the stroke as long as 
 he lives: But, for the good of the public, he hath prose- 
 cuted them before the presbytery, who, without inquiring 
 into facts, sentenced the reputation of the irreverend el- 
 ders to be hanged, drawn, and quartered, to the great 
 consolation of the pious sufi'erer. As soon as you get out 
 of this country, you come, 
 
 Fourthly, into a very extensive plain, inhabited by 
 what may be called domestic murderers. A set of beings 
 who murder with impunity, no suitable laws being pro- 
 vided against them. 
 
 Here dwells the parent, who spends wastefully what 
 should regularly support his family, so that his chil- 
 dren are brought up in the most dissolute and irreligi- 
 ous manner, as a preparative to the most vicious practi- 
 ces: Hence, whether the children prove virtuous or vici- 
 ous, strict equity accounts the profuse and careless pa- 
 rent the murdertr. Near to those murderous parents 
 lives the lascivious husband, who estrangeth himself 
 from his lawful consort, and frequenteth the company 
 of lewd women: Many you may find here, who, as the 
 very worst of felons, rob their wives and children of 
 their legal property, to support the most infamous strum- 
 pets, who, like the horseleech, are continually saying, 
 
OF DEVILS. 89 
 
 give, give. Such men are sure to find the truth of that 
 sajing', "A whore is a deep ditch." Here it is a very 
 common thing to see the most virtuous women, so ill 
 used by their murderous husbands, that they languish 
 and grieve under their affliction, until at last they 
 die of a broken heart. No assassin ever better deserved 
 the gallows, than such husbands; for no assissin ever 
 put the person whom he murdered to equal torture. 
 The very same may be said of the lascivious strum- 
 pet, of high or low degree, who is false to her hus- 
 band. 
 
 Among domestic murderers live the parents, who, 
 for the sake of an agreeable settlement, oblige their chil- 
 dren to marry with persons whom they cannot possi- 
 bly love. This lays a sure foundation for certain mur- 
 der, and brings the party to the grave in the most dis- 
 tressing manner. 
 
 But if covetous parents would only consider, that a 
 compelled marriage is worse than a poisoned dagger 
 plunged into the bosom of their offspring, they would 
 certainly have more compassion than to persist in the 
 iniquitous measure. Here likewise live those, who 
 restrain their children from marrying the objects of their 
 choice, merely because there is a deficiency of a few 
 hundreds, or thousands, in the fortune. Parents who 
 can relish nothing but money, and have a wrong notion 
 of honour, make no scruple of conscience, to render 
 their children miserable all their days, rather than suf- 
 fer them to marry a degree and half below themselves. 
 It is very strange, that the laws of nations should make 
 no provision against this murderj and stranger still, that 
 those of Britain countenance and encourage it. 
 
 However, marriages are seldom happy, where the affec- 
 tions are not joined, prior to the matrimonial ceremony. 
 Money may unite the persons, but it cannot unite the 
 aflections, as appears in numberless instances: Of which 
 disconsolate, dull and heavy hasbands, broken hearted 
 wives, frequent divorces, elopements, domestic quarrels, 
 and divided families, the natural effect of forced mar- 
 riages, are evidences. 
 
 There is yet another species of domestic murderers, 
 connived at by the law. They are such who not only 
 train up their children in idleness, but in luxury and 
 
90 DIALOGUES 
 
 wantonness. By these means their spendthrift sons, if 
 of high birth, are fitted to become robbers of the nation, 
 when tlieir own fortunes are spent: and if of middle life, 
 they are fitted for the highway and consequently for the 
 halter. Nor is this method of training up less fatal in 
 its influence on the female sex; for it prepares them 
 for the stews, or the suburbs of the stews, where gen- 
 tlemen's courtezans dwell, perhaps for theft and then 
 for the gallows. Idleness and luxury is as rank poison 
 to the mind, as arsenic is to the body. Many people, 
 indeed, lament the young gentleman's unhappy fate, 
 when he is goin^ to Tyburn; but very few censure his 
 parents, as the first cause of his untimely end, by the 
 manner in which they brought him up. This is some 
 comfort to us, however, that though such domestic mur- 
 derers act with impunity from man, the law of God will 
 take such notice of them as to bring them to hell, if their 
 crimes are not repented of. To be sure it would be 
 more agreeable to us. to see them enter hell by way of 
 Tyburn: but the devil cannot always have his will. 
 
 Another sort are very careful to preserve the bodies 
 of their children, by providing diligently for them the 
 Decessaries and conveniences of life; as they grow 
 up, are as careful to preserve them from the highway 
 and the stews, by putting into their hands a business 
 by which to obtain a comfortable livelihood; and, after 
 all, prove the murderers of their children. For, on 
 the one hand, they restrain them not from bad company, 
 which leads to destruction; company that corrupts the 
 principles, vitiates the conduct, and leads into bad prac- 
 tices, such as sabbath breaking, gaming, lying, swearing, 
 &.C. Nor on the other hand, do they take any pains to 
 cultivate their infant minds, further "than to know how, 
 when, and to whom, they should make a genteel bow, 
 and courtesy, and how to express the modish compli- 
 ments in a graceful manner. They never once deem it 
 necessary to instil into their minds an early sense of re- 
 ligion and virtue. 
 
 Many parents, if their children learn a little polite be- 
 haviour, do not much care whether they read the Bible at 
 all. 
 
 In this country too dwell duellers, boxers, boasters, 
 and provokers; all the bands of assassins, and intriguers 
 
OF DEVILS. 91 
 
 against men's lives. His hoary holiness is captain gen- 
 eral of this band, and his cardinals and inquisitors are 
 next to him in honour. Here dwell persecutors of ev- 
 ery name, popish, episcopal or presbyterian: all who 
 impose religion on men's consciences by the power of the 
 sword. 
 
 The second division is that of self-murderers,* and I 
 assure you, sir, this is a very populous place, more 
 crowded than the former. Here dwell gluttons, drunk- 
 ards, and intemperate persons in general: for there are 
 more who eat and drink themselves to death, than the 
 fever, the consumption, and the sw^ord destroy. Idle, 
 lazy, and slothful persons, live here, under the character 
 of second-hand murderers; their idle habits introducing 
 diseases of the most fatal nature. The immoderately 
 careful, also, kill themselves v-ith mere anxiety. In the 
 next town the envious are stationed; those who are as 
 mortally wounded, by the prosperity of their neighbour, 
 as any man can be by a dagger. In the suburbs live 
 those whom we call the impatient; for trouble is not so 
 very deathly as impatience under it. Over the bridge 
 live the ambitious, a people of lofty views, who crack 
 their heart-strings by climbing. In the neighbourhood 
 of the latter live the lascivious, who kill themselves by 
 little and little, and parboil their flesh ere they present 
 it to the worms. I might add to this list a prodigious 
 number besides, known among us by the name of soul 
 murderers: But as I was never remarkable for knowledge 
 in casuistical divinity, I shall leave this to others, and 
 proceed to, 
 
 The seventh and royal canton of drunkards; which is 
 divided into two very grand divisions, the first of which 
 is inhabited by the sot, and the second by merry com- 
 panions. The soaking sots are a well seasoned race, 
 who seem as if some of their ancestors had been of the 
 bristly kind. They are a swiaish set of people, always 
 grunting, but when their lips are in the cup; unless it 
 maybe that the calf mounis them in the mornin^;, and 
 rides them until half past two, then dismounts just in the 
 middle of dinner, and the eagar swnne vaults into the 
 saddle, and rides them until they are lame. The ensign 
 of the sots division is a long tobacco pipe, and greasy 
 fore breasts of a coat, and if any man have business witla 
 
92 DIALOGUES 
 
 them, he would do well to wait on them in the morning, 
 before the calf dismounts; for after that thejcan do noth- 
 ing but grunt, until sleep dismounts the pig again. 
 Thus thej are ridden alternately by the calf and the 
 pig. The sots drink merely for the sake of liquor; and 
 in process of time their blood becomes so inflamed, that 
 they carry the arms of their company upon their faces, 
 which are dyed into a kind of bastard scarlet colour, and 
 grow as rough as the skin of a shark, with preternatural 
 pimples. 
 
 The seoond division is that of merry companions, or, 
 according to men of learning, good-fellows. They abhor 
 the name, yet love the practice of drunkards. You could 
 not affront them worse, than by telling them they are in 
 love with the landlady, for the sake of her liquor. Were 
 you to ask them their reasons for frequenting the tavern, 
 they would soon tell you, that it is not for any love they 
 have to the liquor, but they go there merely for the sake 
 of good company. By the v^ay, sire, they go to the wrong 
 place to seek for it; for no good company haunts taverns 
 and ale-houses. Good company is most likely to be found 
 in good places; but taverns and ale-houses are quite of 
 another cast, being public portals, through which many 
 pass to the nether regions. Yea, such a good opinion has 
 Beelzebub conceived of them, that many of the landla- 
 dies, and their daughters, are appointed his factors and 
 agents upon earth. 
 
 It is the practice of merry companions to meet at the 
 tavern, or some other place of public resort, as many 
 evenings in the week as business will admit of, to read 
 and expound the newspapers, give their opinion of the 
 proceedings of the ministry, of commercial transactions, 
 or to comment on the operations of war. Sometimes they 
 meet to play what they call a civil game of cards, back- 
 gammon, &c. or it may be to reproach some neighbour- 
 ing presbyterian parson for his affected sanctity: For 
 you must know that they not only hate sanctity itself, 
 butitsvery appearance. Often you may hear them de- 
 ride the fanatic, for what they call his narrow and bigot- 
 ed spirit, and at the same time, applaud the reverend Mr. 
 Liveloose, for an affable, free and generous soul. Many 
 of those merry companions, who will by no means bear 
 the name of drunkard, I can pick you out, who will drink 
 
OF DEVILS. 93 
 
 a bottle or two at a sitting, and go home betwixt one and 
 two in the morning, with eyes as fierce as those of a 
 hjscna. 
 
 In short, sir, if you were to go through my canton of 
 drunkards, when our men are all at work, you would 
 hear a great noise as if Vulcan with his cyclops were 
 there, hammering thunderbolts for Jupiter. And would 
 certainly imagine, that hell had burst its belly, and 
 poured out its entrail amongst us, on account of the 
 hideous cursing, swearing, damning, sinking, scolding 
 and bawling, tearing and fighting, boasting, lying, cheat- 
 ing, and unclean words, looks, and gestures, which 
 there abound. This, sir, is the royal canton, out of 
 which I choose all my principal men; which you must 
 cwn to be sound policy; for if ever I can get a man to 
 become a drunkard, I can cause him to commit what 
 wickedness I please; and I must tell you, that this can- 
 ton is inhabited by men of all ranks, occupations, and 
 persuasions. 
 
 Thus, reverend father, I hav.e given you a brief account 
 of my dominions; but if you were to pass through the sev- 
 eral cantons, and see them all yourself, you would say, 
 that the hundredth part has not been told you. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Oil, my chilij! my dear Impiator, how my 
 aged heart is filled with joy, on hearing your pleasing 
 story! Illustrious indeed is the kingdom of Profanity I 
 You honour me, my son! Your success does great hon- 
 our to the name of Infidelis. But, I pray, do you know 
 any thing of a set of people, whom they call Nazarenes. 
 They are the only people in the world who have cast off 
 my yoke. Oh ! how it would rejoice me to hear that your 
 craftiness had engaged them in your service! 
 
 Impiator. I know them very well. A small body 
 of despised, precise creatures, hated by all the world. I 
 assure you, sir, I have done all that lies in my power to 
 bring them under our dominion. But mortified I am to 
 tell you, that I have never been able to conquer one of 
 them. Imraanuel hath published very strict laws in his 
 kingdom, absolutely prohibiting his subjects from touch- 
 ing, tasting, or handling any thing that belongs to us, or 
 so much as visiting our cantons; and they are so firmly at- 
 tached to his government, that it is with the greatest dif- 
 ficulty, now and then, we get one of them down into our 
 
94 DIALOGUES 
 
 mines. But when such a thing does happen, my sub- 
 jects have a good day of feasting and mirth; send gifts to 
 one another, of such things as they have^ and the shouts 
 of joy, "So we would have it," may be heard in all the 
 cantons of our dominions. 
 
 For instance, it happened once that Noah, who was, in 
 the main, an utter enemy to our government, was induced 
 to make a visit to the drunkard's country, which caused 
 much gladness through all the land. The triumphal flag 
 was displayed upon the tents of Ham, wherever the news 
 was spread; and every man reported to his neighbour, 
 saying, "Behold, he is become like one of us." At the 
 same time, the confederates of Shem covered themselves 
 with sackcloth, put ashes on their heads, exchanged their 
 pleasant songs for lamentations, mourning and wo: un- 
 til the patriarch was safely returned to his own country 
 again. 
 
 It happened also, on a certain time, that I was happy 
 enough to inveigle David the great, within the borders of 
 the adulterers' canton; who to cover the infamy of such 
 an expedition, rushed, with violent precipitation, into the 
 very heart of the canton of murderers. The monarch's 
 arrival was soon proclaimed among all the murderers, and 
 adulterers, who made a grand entertainment on the occa- 
 sion, and invited the blasphemers to partake with them. 
 Oh! Infidelis, if you were there, certainly you would have 
 tired your sides with laughing, to see how they footed 
 the treble dance, whilst the music played, '"The best of 
 them are as bad as ourselves." And all joined together 
 in this chorus, 
 
 "What we do in public, they do in private, 
 The difference is only in show." 
 
 Then they clapped their hands and shouted, "So, ho! 
 brave boys. Now we are all on one side. The man af- 
 ter God's own heart hath joined our communion. The 
 psalmist of Israel is now one of ourselves. Hypocrites, 
 altogether, w^ho pretend to more religion than others.*' 
 Thus sire, from the fall of one, our people concluded that 
 all were bad. 
 
 The like fell out in the case of Peter, the apostle, who 
 on a very dark night, missing his way, was first trapped 
 
OF DEVILS. 95 
 
 in the liar's snare, and then in the swearer's gin, so that 
 he denied the Lord who bought him, and cursed and 
 swore, that he did not so much as know Jesus of Naza- 
 reth. I can tell you, when such a thing does happen, 
 that we entrap one of the Nazarenes, it greatly increaseth 
 the industry of my subjects, and bends them more than 
 ever under my yoke. Indeed, as there is no other way 
 to Zion, but what lies directly through the very heart of 
 my dominions, there is now and then, one of them tum- 
 bles into our mines, especially in the dark and long nights 
 of winter. 
 
 Infidelis. Now and then, child! I thought you had 
 often companies of them at once in your dominions. 
 
 Impiator. No, sir, I cannot say so. I will tell you 
 how the mistake happens. We frequently have compa- 
 nies of those who are called Nazarenes, it is truej but 
 then the name and the nature are two different things 
 all the world over. In order to bring true Christianity 
 into disgrace, the great and wise Beelzebub stirs up some 
 of our country people to put on the outward habit of the 
 Nazarenes, join their company, and travel with them, al- 
 most to the bordersof the kingdom of Profanity; but not 
 one of them can be persuaded to set a foot out of their 
 own country. As those people pass along the road, in 
 their own country, it is not much to be wondered at, if 
 they do occasionally try their hands at their old employ- 
 ments. But as for the real Nazarenes, I assure you, I 
 very seldom meet with one, who has curiosity, so much 
 as to view our land as he passes through it. Even when 
 our subtle emissaries do entrap one, let me and my chiv- 
 alry do what we can, we never detain him beyond a cer- 
 tain time; when some powerful messenger is despatched 
 from the skies, to deliver him out of our tenacious hands. 
 But we have the satisfaction of often procuring them a hear- 
 ty drubbing, so that many of them go halting to their grave. 
 I, myself, have seen Immanuel meet them, in the very 
 midst of our kingdom, seize, bind, and chastise them, 
 until with blurred faces, they humbly submitted to kiss 
 the rod, and heartily blessed God, that ever the birch 
 tree was planted. 
 
 Infidelis. Aye, child, they are made to kiss the rod, 
 that 1$ the plague of it; for then they bid farewell to the 
 
96 DIALOGUES 
 
 pleasures of profanity. Oh! were it but possible, bj 
 any means to harden them against the rod, what advan- 
 tages might we reap from it! Or indeed, could we, as I 
 have often strove to do, make them faint under it, it 
 would answer the same end. But, beyond all our power 
 to hinder, Immanuel does somehow, along with the stroke, 
 convey sustaining strength. Yea, sometimes, even makes 
 the rod itself, in some respects, pleasant, and at all times 
 profitable to them. Ah! my son, we shall never be able 
 to rob him of one of his own; for when he chastiseth them 
 with a visible hand, he sustaineth and comforteth them 
 \vith a hand invisible. 
 
 But let us not be discouraged, nor yield the contest. 
 Let us destroy whom we can, and let us disturb and dis- 
 tract the minds of those whom we cannot destroy. Let 
 us think of the great Beelzebub, what achievements he is 
 daily performing, notwithstanding he groans in the yoke 
 of eternal despair. And for your encouragement, my 
 dear Impiator, let me tell you, such is your care to main- 
 tain a despotic sway over your subjects, and such is their 
 attachment to your person and government, that both you 
 and they may be assured of warm lodgings in the palace 
 of great Beelzebub, as soon as this world ceaseth to be 
 the stage of action. 
 
 Impiator. Yes, sir, such is the flourishing state of my 
 kingdom at present; but I have my shocks at one time 
 and another. It is but a few years since I was terribly 
 afraid lest I should have lost my British subjects. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Lost yo-ur British subjects, my son! Who, 
 or what is he, who dared to attempt any thing against the 
 great Profanity? 
 
 Impiator. Ah! sire, a powerful enemy: no less a per- 
 son than George the Third. He was an enemy to my pow- 
 erful sway when he was only Prince of AVales; and as 
 soon as he ascended the throne he more openly showed 
 his dislike to me; published an edict for banishing me 
 from his dominions; enjoined his officers to apprehend me 
 wherever I was to be found; and, under the penalty of 
 his displeasure, prokibited his subjects from entertaining 
 me at any time, especially upon the Sabbath day; a day 
 on which I am used to get above double business done for 
 Beelzebub. Had I not been well befriended by the British 
 
OF DEVILS. 97 
 
 tiobility, as well a^ bv the commons of the land, bad davs 
 had come upon me: for what will not precept, enforced 
 by example, be able to accomplish? 
 
 Had he, like many princes before him, only enacted 
 laws against me, and still continued to correspond with 
 me himself, 1 should have had little to fearj but would 
 you think it, sir, he actually attempted to clear the court 
 of me; will suffer no swearing in his presence, nor gaming 
 on the Sabbath evenings in his palace, and even discour- 
 ageth drunkenness and debauchery. Indeed, sir, if in- 
 ferior magistrates had all been of the same disposition 
 with their king, poor Impiator had been obliged to quit the 
 realm, and live in exile, like the devil Crudelis. 
 
 Infidelis. That the king of England is a sober and 
 virtuous prince will admit of no di-'pute; but the case of 
 Impiator can never be desperate whilst you and I are in 
 such high esteem with so many magistrates and placemen. 
 We shall be regarded much sooner than he. So long; as 
 inferior ;nagistrates can be kept in subjection to us, there 
 is no fear of our interest, let the prince be ever so virtu- 
 ous. I, as an old stander in the world, have seen much of 
 mankind, and out of my consummate experience shall 
 offer some things for your encouragement. 
 
 A good king may enact good laws; but it is impossible 
 he should execute them without the assistance of his sub- 
 jects; therefore your kingdom, my son, can never suffer 
 until a law be made which shall render all common drunk- 
 ards, swearers, sabbath-breakers, whoremongers, extor- 
 tioners, &c. incapable of the office of a magistrate. Whilst 
 magistrates can suffer buying and selling on the sabbath 
 day; whoredom, drunkenness and swearing to abound in 
 the streets with impunity, what hath Impiator to fear? 
 Doth it not demonstratively prove that such magistrates 
 are firmly attached to the devil Impiator. No danger, 
 my son, no danger at alll Let the king and queen both 
 abhor you ever so much, unless they can get men of vir- 
 tuous dispositions established in places of trust, the devil 
 Impiator shall reign, in spite of all they can do to pre- 
 vent it. 
 
 Do you think that a magistrate, who is himself a drunk- 
 ard, will ever strive to suppress the beastly sin of drunk- 
 enness in others? Or that he who is a profane swearer, 
 and tolerates the practice of swearing in his own house- 
 9 
 
98 DIALOGUES 
 
 hold, will ever exert bis power to suppress it in others? 
 Can it be thought that a man who keeps his woman, in- 
 stead of his wife, will be very assiduous to suppress the 
 reigning sin of whoredom? Or that he who can, without 
 conscience, grind the faces of the poor, will ever be a pro- 
 moter of piety. Never fear it, Impiator. All you have 
 to do is to debauch the minds of as many magistrates as 
 you can; then you will have the vulgar of course, when 
 they see vice reign with impunity.* 
 
 Impiator. After all, sir, I think there is reason for 
 some fear, when we consider the power of example. You 
 remember how, according to tradition, it turned the heads 
 of all the Macedonian army to the one shoulder in the 
 days of Alexander, and how it raised a hump upon most 
 of the genteel backs in England in the days of king 
 Richard the Third, of bloody memory. Now, sir, if ex- 
 ample were to have the like effect at present, Impiator 
 could not live in England. 
 
 Ikfidelis. I am sensible, son, that a virtuous example 
 is not without its proper influence; but this I have always 
 seen, people are more easily drawn by example into vice, 
 or even into things indifferent, than into virtue. Assure 
 yourself it will require a stronger power than the example 
 of the best and wisest of men to draw a vicious person to 
 the love of virtue. 
 
 Should the virtuous example of a prince have any in- 
 fluence upon others, you must take care to nick-name 
 them, get them pointed and hissed at, and despised, and 
 all will go on very quietly. 
 
 Let us now go in quest of our kindred, my son. I ex- 
 pected to have seen some of them here this morning. 
 
 ' This second sighted devil seems to have judged rightly of the 
 case, for proianeness of every kind has made most awful advances 
 in the present reign, notwithstanding the \irtue of the sovereign. 
 Divorces, consequent upon conjugal infidelity, were never so rife 
 since England became a nation. 5lasquerades and routs, which re- 
 ceived but little countenance in some former reigns, in this meet 
 with all that the vainest heart can wish for. That this is the case^ 
 let Connelly's, the pantheon, and the female cotery, bear witness. 
 
OF DEVILS. 99 
 
 DIALOGUE \ III. 
 
 INFIDELIS, AVARO, FASTOSUS, IMPIATOR, AND 
 DISCORDANS. 
 
 Infidelis and Impiator had but just done talking toge- 
 ther, and were about departing;, when Fastosus, Avaro, 
 and Discordans came up the valley, and saluted each his 
 kindred^ in which salutation Infidelis thus began: 
 
 Infidelis. Honour and renown to the great Fastosus! 
 Furious contentions to restless Discordansl and heaps of 
 g-litterino; wealth to the careful Avarol To- which infernal 
 salutation 
 
 Fastosus replied: Darkness and confusion surround 
 mj brother Infidelis! Lewdness and debauchery attend 
 my cousin Impiator! I am glad to see so many of our 
 family in the valley at once. 
 
 Infidelis. I pray you, cousin Discordans, how do you 
 do? These many weeks have passed since I saw you. 
 
 Discordans. Even jaded out of breath, uncle. How 
 do you do, most Rev. sir? and how do you, my worthy 
 cousin? 
 
 Infidelis. Having, with great care, caused our influ- 
 ences to rest upon our subjects, we came hither to the 
 valley to regale ourselves with a dish of sweet conversa- 
 tion, which we hope will now be more agreeable, on the 
 arrival of so many celebrated worthies. But I would 
 know, cousin, where you have been so long? 
 
 Discordans. Been' I have been busy, wandering to 
 and fro on the face of the earth, as usual, promoting the 
 interests of great Beelzebub. So diligent have I been, 
 that I have had no time, since I saw you last, so much as 
 to take a nap. But, as you observed just now, having 
 left my influences upon mankind, I hope to enjoy the 
 pleasure of my uncle's company for a season. 
 
 Infidelis. How, cousin? Are you so close at it? I 
 thought your afikirs had been urgent only upon certain 
 occasions. 
 
 Discordans. Indeed, sir, mankind are fond of me, al- 
 
100 DIALOGUES 
 
 most to distraction. I believe I have as much businefSr 
 now-a-days, as any devil of the club; and I manage my 
 aftairs with as much dexterity too. 
 
 Infidelis. What is that staff you have in your hand, 
 cousin? And what is that lookinjj-jlass, that hangs by 
 your side? By your looks you are too vigorous to need a 
 staff to lean upon; and to judge by the appearance of your 
 person and dress, I should have thought you had as little 
 need of a looking-glass. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. You are pleased to banter a little, sir. 
 But that which is well received, is never ill delivered. 
 This, which you call a staff, sir, is my telescope. And 
 this glass is my inverting mirror. The two chosen instru- 
 ments by which I carry on all my operations. 
 
 Tmpiator. 1 thought, cousin, we devils have no need of 
 glasses, either perspective or visual. Whatl is your sight 
 bad, Discordans? 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Xo, no, my sight is as piercing as the eye 
 of an eagle; but, piercing as it is, I cannot do without my 
 glasses. 
 
 Impiator. Then I suppose the glasses are for the use 
 of your subjects. Indeed, cousin, I never took you to be 
 a friendly devil before. 
 
 Discordans. Not so friendly as you imagine, coz? nor 
 are the glasses for their use, but for their abuse. For 
 there is not one who makes use of either glass, but he is 
 abused as sure as ever he uses it. This is no very great 
 friendship, sir. is it? 
 
 IxFiDELis. No, cousin; if so, you approve yourself the 
 offspring of great lieelzebub. I should be glad to hear 
 something of their uses, and the manner of your opera- 
 tion by them. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. I am ready to oblige you, sir, if the great 
 Fastosus is pleased to permit me. 
 
 Fastosus. You do me honour, my son; I permit you, 
 with all my heart. 
 
 Discordans. Then, sir, if you please, you shall try my 
 telescope first. Take it in your hand, sir, and put it to 
 your eye. Now, sir, what do you seer 
 
 Infidelis. See! I see the greatest mountain that ever I 
 beheld! The top of it reacheth even to the stars. Stranse! 
 I did not think there had been such a thing in the world: 
 
OF DEVILS. lai 
 
 Why, the highest mountain in Armenia is but a hillock, 
 ^vhen compared to this. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Now, sir, be pleased to take down the 
 glass: look the same way with your naked eye, and try 
 what you can discover. 
 
 Infidelis. Nay, now I can see nothing at all but a 
 inolehill, about a score of yards from us. But what is 
 gone with the mountain, think you.^ 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. That very molehill, sir, is the mountain 
 which you saw. To convince you of it, Impiator shall 
 make the trial likewise. Now, Impiator, what do you 
 seer 
 
 Impiator. See ! why I see the wondrous mountain; and 
 I see a prodigious number of monsters, ten times as big 
 as an elephant, travelling up the sides of it! 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Now, Sir, the molehill is the mountain, 
 and the ants are the monsters that inhabit it. 
 
 Infidelis. Amazing! that any instrument can change 
 the appearance of things so much from the reality. In- 
 deed, Discordans, I can hardly believe mj^ own eyes. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Sir, you shall have full conviction. Put 
 the glass to your eye, and mind well when I roll this ball 
 -on the green, and tell me what it appears to you to be. — 
 Now, sir, you have seen it, what do you say? 
 
 Infidelis. I am more astonished than ever. It appear- 
 ed to be well nigh as huge as the body of Saturn, and 
 seemed to roll through immeasurable space. Now I am 
 convinced, incredulous as I am. 
 
 Discordans. All is well so far. Now you shall try the 
 other end of the telescope, and learn the wonders of mi- 
 niature. Let us look towards the other side of the val- 
 ley. You see a very large oak, whose arms are extended 
 at least two hundred feet in breadth. Do you not see it, 
 sir? 
 
 Infidelis. See it! How you talk! I might see that 
 tree without spectacles if I were three-fourths blind. 
 
 Discordans. Be not too positive, sir. Take a good 
 view of it now, lest you should not readily apprehend it 
 with the glass. 
 
 Infidelis. Why, cousin, I cannot fail seeing this tree 
 at the first trial, it is such a large one. and just at hand 
 tool 
 
 9* 
 
102 DIALOGUES 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Well then, please to put (he glass to your 
 eye the contrary way to what you did before. — Now, sir, 
 what do you see? 
 
 Infidelis. I can see nothing at all. What is become 
 of the tree, think you? 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Look better, sir. The tree stands just 
 where it did, I assure you. 
 
 Impiator. I suppose my father has not the glass right 
 at his eye; has he, cousin? 
 
 Discordans. Yes, yes, it is yery right. Do you dis- 
 cover any thing; of the tree yet? 
 
 Infidelis. No, nothing at all. Is not the glass fallen 
 out, think you? 
 
 Discordans. No, sir, the glass is all right. But tell 
 me, do you see nothing of any kind? 
 
 Infidelis. Yes, 1 see, at a prodigious distance, some 
 kind of a shrub, about the size of a common thistle. To 
 me it appears to be about fifteen inches high. 
 
 Discordans. Look steadfastly at it, sir, and see if you 
 can find out wliat species it is of. 
 
 Infidelis. I take it to be a small oak plant; but, at 
 such a distance, it is not easy to distinguish the species of 
 such a diminutive shrub. 
 
 Discordans. Now, sir, I perceive you discern it right; 
 if you please you may take down the glass. You see, sir, 
 the oak tree stands just where it did; and now you disco- 
 ver nothing of the shrub. Believe me, sir, the plant which 
 you saw is none other than that stately oak, magically di- 
 minished in its appearance by the power of the glass. 
 The oak itself hath undergone no change, neither did the 
 ball, nor the molehill. Ail the change is only in appear- 
 ance. 
 
 Infidelis. I am amazed at the astonishing powers of 
 this instrument. When it is used one way, it magnifies 
 a molehill to a stupendous mountain, and a tennis ball to 
 a world; and when used the contrary way, it reduceth 
 an oak, of the most gigantic stature, into one of the most 
 dwarfish shrubs. I pray you, cousin, what is the name of 
 this instrument, and where was it invented? 
 
 Discordans. Sir, the name of this amazing instru- 
 ment is Prejudice; it was invented by Lucifer, the mo^t 
 famous mathematician in htjll, and is" of excellent use in 
 
OF DEVILS. lOS 
 
 forwarding the delightful works of darkness, and se- 
 curing the dominion of Beelzebub over mankind upon 
 earth. 
 
 Infidelis. Dear cousin, I am quite impatient to have a 
 descriptionof its uses. It cannot fail of being of excellent 
 service, if skilfully managed, as I doubt not it is, in the 
 hand of Discordans. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. Sir, having already seen something of its 
 amazing effects, you may well believe it is very useful to 
 me. By this partial glass it is I sow contention, strife, 
 and discord wherever I come. It is my custom, when 1 
 begin my operations, and intend to set people together 
 by the ears, to visit each of them separately; apply my 
 glass to his eye in the magnifying way; and, as you see 
 it is so constructed that it will turn any way, I turn it 
 towards himself, by which he obtains a partial view of 
 his own virtue and merit. Then I apply the glass thn 
 contrary way, and direct my dupe to consider his vicei 
 in the diminishing medium, by wliich he almost, if not 
 wholly, loseth sight of them. Having had such a partial 
 view of his own virtues and vices, the fcol takes the 
 former to be a thousand times greater, and the latter a 
 thousand times less, than they really are. By these 
 means he is prejudiced in his own favour so far, that he 
 he is ready to quarrel with all who think not so well of 
 him as he does of himself. Thus I prejudice almost 
 every man in his own favour so far, that each looks upon 
 himself as most worthy of general regard. From this ic 
 is that you may meet with a drummer who looks upon 
 himself as more able to command well than his colonel: 
 or a catchpole who deems himself fit for an alderman; 
 and a scurvy attorney, who flatters himself that he knows 
 more than the lord chancellor of the realm. 
 
 But for this prejudice in their own favour, you should 
 never hear of revolutions of states, destructive wars, 
 cruel assassinations, and domestic broils, among man- 
 kind, so grateful to us infernal spirits. It is by this de- 
 vice you will find one fool wiser in his own conceit than 
 ten men who can render a reason. Yea, gentlemen, it is 
 from the good opinion almost every man hath of himself, 
 originally derived from the use of my partial telescope, 
 that all divisions and animosities, of every kind, and a- 
 
104 DIALOGUES 
 
 mongst every people, in church and state, do ftoti^/ 
 Though, indeed, the gentlemen concerned in religious 
 contentions would persuade the world that it is the glory 
 of God, and the furtherance of the gospel, they have in 
 view, in all their curses and anathemas which they toss 
 and retoss against one another. The vulgar take it for 
 granted to be so, and therefore readily join with their 
 reverend leaders. 
 
 In the mean while, man being sufficiently prejudiced in 
 his own favour, I betake me to the following operations, 
 from whence all jealousies, backbitings, inurmurings, evil 
 surmisings. Lc. spring: I put the diminishing end of my 
 telescope to the eye of niy dupe, and direct him thus to 
 behold the virtues of his neighbour. The instance of the 
 oak, reduced to the most diminutive shrub, will convince 
 you that a man's virtue will appear little enough, if at all 
 discernible, when viewed with my partial glass. So when 
 the man with it examines the virtue of his neighbours, he 
 is put to his wit's end to find any virtue at all, just as you 
 were to find out the oak: But he sees, as he thinks, too 
 much cause to conclude that his neighbour is a very bad 
 man. And if such a thing should be that a man's virtue 
 is so strong that it forceth evidence, even over the belly 
 of prejudice, by its own native lustre, its appearance is 
 changed from its reality, as the oak to the shrub, in the 
 foregoing experiment. 
 
 Then I direct my disciple to apply the magnifying end 
 of the telescope, and to take an ample view of his neigh- 
 bour's vices and deformity: and this he doth to the great- 
 est advantage. The two instances of a molehill trans- 
 formed to a mountain, and a rolling ball to a revolving 
 world, will convince you how glaring a man's vices will 
 be when viewed with the magnifying end of my valuable 
 telescope, prejudice- 
 On obtaining this discovery, says my dupe, *' Ah! how 
 glaring his vices appear! When I sought for virtue, I 
 could not discern so much as the smallest of her traces in 
 him; but now 1 seek for his vices, truly there is nothing 
 else to be seen. Can he be a christian? No, surely ! If 
 this be Christianity, 1 will forever renounce it.'' Thus, 
 my reverend uncle, I frequently persuade people, who 
 are really worthless, to despise, revile, and contemn those 
 
OF DEVILS. 105 
 
 who are, in every respect, much preferable to themselves; 
 to deny the character of virtuous men even to the most 
 virtuous of their day. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Now, nephew, you delight my ear indeed, 
 and r freely own you of my illustrious kindred; nur 
 are you less dexterous in pursuit of your calling than the 
 greatest of all our fraternity; the great Fastosus and I 
 ofily excepted. 
 
 Impiator. Gentlemen. I have been silent a long time, 
 which I believe I am as little given to as any; but now 
 wonder unbraces my tongue, and 1 cannot but admire the 
 art and industry of my cousin Discordans. 
 
 Disco RDANS. Although I am no way remarkable for 
 gratitude, I thank you, cousin Impiator, for your compli- 
 ment. There is this glass, which likewise demands your 
 attention. Will you please to examine it. gentlemen? 
 
 Infidelis. Come cousin, I will. Please to let me look 
 at it. 
 
 Discordans. Now for a fresh surprise. Do you please 
 to place the mirror, and look into it. 
 
 Infidelis. I will, cousin. But what is the matter, 
 think you? 1 see nothing but gross darkness. How comes 
 this to pass, Discordans? 
 
 Discordans. It is the nature of the instrument. Be 
 pleased to turn yourself so as to look upon either, or all 
 of us, in it. Now, sir, what do you see? 
 
 Infidelis. Strange! you all appear as angels of light. 
 Did 1 not perfectly know the contrary, I could have sworn 
 upon the alcoran, or the mass book, that Impiator had 
 been Uriel; Avaro had been the genius of benevolence; 
 that Fastosus had been humility; and you, Discordans, 
 the angel of peace. 
 
 This glass is really more wonderful than the former. 
 What an amazing povver of invertion it hath, cousin? 
 Why it transformeth light into darkness, and darkness 
 into light; changeth the appearance of devils into that of 
 angels of light. Well, Discordans, if this will not an- 
 swer your end, I do not know what will. I pray you, 
 cousin, what do you call it? 
 
 Discordans. This, sir, I call my inverting mirror; but 
 the proper name of it is false reasoning: an instrument 
 of the true Luciferian construction, and most admirably 
 adapted to my dividing purposes. It is the oracle <it 
 
106 DIALOGUES 
 
 which, for the most part, mankind inquire after the truth 
 of any matter. But, from what you have seen, you wil! 
 readily believe that there is no truth in it^ therefore, its 
 discoveries, if the truth were known, would be deemed 
 absolute falsehood. But I am very careful to keep up its 
 honour with the people, as I could do but little business 
 without it. 
 
 Fastosus. Right, my son, and it proves to be in high 
 esteem; for the ancients were not more fond of our bro- 
 ther Apollo, who kept his court at Delphos, than the mo- 
 derns are of the inverting mirror of false reasoning. 
 
 Infidelis. Good cousin, a v/ord or two concerning its 
 uses; yea, make an oration of it, if you please; for it will 
 be very agreeable, even to Impiator himself, I dare say. 
 
 Impiator. No danger of me, I assure you! I begin now 
 to have some taste for information, all that I have heard 
 being so very agreeable. Cousin Discordans, you may 
 freely proceed, without any fear of bearing too hard upon 
 my patience. 
 
 Discordans. But for this inverting mirror, gentlemen, 
 I could do but little against the children of men; for ex- 
 cellent as my telescope of prejudice is, it would be alto- 
 gether useless, but for the mirror: But by the help of this, 
 the telescope performeth mighty deeds in favour of our 
 government. 
 
 By this mirror it is I cause offence to be taken when 
 none is offered nor designed; yea, even when the good of 
 the party is sought after; and thus I foment differences 
 amidst the most fervent solicitations for unity. A certain 
 great man, some thousand years since, had such a proof 
 of this, that he complained bitterly against our people, 
 saying, " When I am for peace, they are for war.*' 
 
 By this mirror it is that public or private reproof is not 
 only rendered useless, but even hurtful to the party re- 
 proved, and frequently prejudicial to society. So very 
 much are people given to examine all matters in our fa- 
 mous mirror, that it is almost impossible to point out one 
 man in a whole county who hath wisdom enough to bear 
 reproof with becoming patience. So that if it is an argu- 
 ment of folly to turn away the ear from reproof, or to 
 harden the heart against rebuke, these are brave days tW 
 folly. 
 
 By this wonderful mirror I make even the preached 
 
OF DEVILS. 107 
 
 word not on^y useless to many, but offensive to some. 
 For instance, it sometimes happens that the preacher, as 
 it is his duty, exclaims against drunkenness: at that in- 
 stant I step up to the drunkard, and hold the mirror be- 
 fore his eyes; immediately he begins to view the parson's 
 conduct in a very uncharitable light,* and, as a guilty con- 
 science needs no accuser, he concludes it is himself that 
 is aimed at. " Well, says he, I see how it is; some spite- 
 ful person hath told him that I was drunk the other night, 
 and he is wicked enough to expose me to all the congre- 
 gation. Has he no faults of his own, that he can be so 
 free in trumping up other people's failings? Cannot he 
 preach the gospel without railing against individuals?" 
 
 Infidelis. I have often seen it to be dangerous to our 
 interests for a person to go with a guilty conscience to 
 where there is a faithful ministry. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. By this time I clap my telescope to his 
 eye, and direct him to view the parson with it; which is 
 no sooner done, than he exclaims, ''Aye, aye, his vices 
 are as great as mine! and greater too. If he is not a drunk- 
 ard, he is something as bad; he is covetous; all know- 
 that: and he is uncharitable and spiteful." Then I 
 turn the end of my telescope towards himself. " Well, 
 saith he, the parson himself is more wicked by one half 
 than I am. I meddle with no man's character. I am in 
 charity with all men. I am just and honest in all my deal- 
 ings. If I hurt any body, it is myself, and what can the 
 meddling fellow have to do with that?" 
 
 Thus doth this wonderful instrument invert the nature 
 of things, so as to turn a well meant admonition into a 
 piece of envious raillery: what is really in itself a virtue, 
 is changed in its appearance to a vice; and if the least de- 
 gree of zeal appears in the delivery of reproof, it is tra- 
 duced as passion and ill-nature. By the use of these two 
 famous instruments I set one great man to pull the ears of 
 another at the various courts of earthly princes; where, 
 by my management, the truly worthy are frequently dis- 
 graced, and the worthless advanced to power. What ups 
 and downs succeeded each other in the court of Versailles 
 in the days of madam Pompadour, when not the merit of 
 the hero, but his attachment to that lady, was considered! 
 If he was a true Pompadorian, he was sure to be advanced, 
 Jiowever much of the calf his disposition had imbibed; 
 
108 DIALOGUES 
 
 but if an anti-pompadorian, down he came, though he 
 were as wise as Ulysses, and valiant as the son of Thetis. 
 And so it fared with them in their bad success in the late 
 war. 
 
 Fastosus. I suppose the public would never object to 
 their prince enjoying the common privilege of man, in 
 having a favorite friend near his person, were it not that 
 the party selected for that purpose is apt, insolently and 
 inconsiderately, to crowd his own dependants, qualified or 
 unqualified, into places under the government. But what 
 France suffered for such misconduct, in the last war, will 
 be a warning to neighbouring nations. 
 
 Infidelis. I should like to have the history of your 
 glasses, cousin. And I imagine a few instances of your 
 operations by them will be exceedingly agreeable to all 
 the company, if you will be so obliging as to favour us 
 with them. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. ^V^ith all my heart, sir. The first in- 
 stance I remember, was in the case of Cain and Abel, 
 As for Abel, you know he was a rebel against our gov- 
 ernment, enlisted under the banner of Immanuel, and 
 bore arms against the monarch of darkness, to whom trus- 
 ty Cain was firmly attached. Abel was well acquainted 
 with the acceptable atonement, then to be made by Jesus 
 of Nazareth, and had respect to it, in all the services 
 which he offered to Deity. His sacrifices and services 
 were therefore the fruits of faith, and consequently ac- 
 cef)table to God, whom he served. Qn the other hand, 
 our friend Cain had no respect to the mediation of Im- 
 manuel, but considered his services as well deserving ac- 
 ceptance with Deity, in virtue of their own intrinsic ex- 
 cellence. Of course, both him and his services were re- 
 jected. For you know whatever is not of faith, is sin, 
 and consequently detestable to the Almighty. Abel of- 
 fered his sacrifice, and Cain presented his gift, the one in 
 faith, and the other without faithj the result was, Abel 
 was accepted and Cain rejected. 
 
 As soon as I was aware of this, and saw discontent 
 \isible upon his countenance, I went up to Cain, and be- 
 gan to ply him with my instrument. ''Let my lord 
 Cain," said I, "try his brother's conduct in this faithful 
 mirror." 
 
 Accordingly he viewed it, an4 as he viewed, he said. 
 
OF DEVILS. ^ 109 
 
 **A>i! now T see how it is. He knew that a lamb or kid 
 v/ould be more acceptable to God than corn; but he 
 v/ould not inform me, I suppose, lest I should share in the 
 blessing. Is this acting the part of a brother? I see now 
 through all his pretended love, his whining advices and 
 hypocritical cant." 
 
 This wrought just as I would have it. Then I desir- 
 ed him to view himself with my telescope, which he did, 
 and thus exclaimed, "Why, I am a thousand times bet- 
 ter than my brother Abel! I have as much righteous- 
 ness in my one hand, as he hath in his whole person." 
 Said I, ''Now take a full view of your brother with this 
 glass." He did, and as he looked, he said, ''My brother 
 is the most contemptible creature I ever beheld. I won- 
 der not now, to hear him complain of his unworthiness, 
 as he does in his whining way." ''Look again," I said. 
 Then said Cain, '*Why Abel is so swelled with pride, 
 that he cannot contain himself." ''Look farther" said 
 I: '^Aye, replied he, I see what he aims at. He thinks 
 I shall be his servant, and no longer his superior as el- 
 der brother." 
 
 You know it is usual for my worthy friends, Envy, 
 Revenge, and Cruelty, to follow me in most of my enter- 
 prises. It so fell out, at this time, that those three dia- 
 bolians were present; but none of them attempted to 
 speak a word, until Cain had viewed his brother Abel 
 vv'ith my instruments, in a light the most disadvantageous 
 to him that could be. But Cain having obtained this view 
 of Abel, up comes Envy, and thus addressed him: "Friend 
 Cain, I am heartily sorry for your disgrace, and am 
 grieved when I observe to you, that, it is my opinion you 
 will never be able to endure your brother's greatness and 
 prosperity, now he is accepted, and you are rejected. I 
 am much mistaken if his ambition ceaseth to operate, un- 
 til he enslaves you entirely under his yoke. I much fear 
 that it is what he aims at. Now, my friend, as you are 
 the elder born, it is but reasonable that you should be 
 ruler; but for the elder to be subject to the younger is 
 what I would advise you never to submit to." Then, 
 said Revenge, if honest Cain will be ruled by me, he will 
 make himself amends for all the grief he has sustained. To 
 whom Cain said: "I pray thee thou sweet spirit, which 
 way shall I do it? Shall I burn his tents, or destroy his 
 
 10 
 
110 DIALOGUES 
 
 flocks? What shall I do to make myself amends?" Do, 
 said Crudelis, what should you do? Knock him on the 
 head at once. " Else, said Envy, he will be an eye-sore 
 to you all the days of your life." 
 
 Thus the matter was determined, and, accordingly, 
 Cain took an opportunity one day, in the field, to murder 
 him. In this instance, Abel's virtue and fiith were con- 
 sidered as vicious craftiness; his sincere aiming at the 
 glory of God, and his self-denial, were, by my inverting 
 instruments, interpreted pride and ambition. Deluded 
 Cain revenged himself, not according to reality, but ac- 
 cording to his own jealous suspicions and groundless sur- 
 mises. 
 
 Infidelis. Realities seldom appear, Discordans, where 
 you reign, or your operations would not be so successful 
 as they are in common. 
 
 Discordans. True, sir, there is no possibility of main- 
 taining strife and contention but by inspiring one man 
 with mistaken notions of another, and each with a good 
 opinion of himself. This is the spring of all contention. 
 
 I remember I made rude work between Jacob's wives; 
 I think their names were Leah and Rachel, the daughters 
 of your friend Laban, Avaro; and that too for what 
 neither one or the other could possibly help. Rachel was 
 plump, fair and beautiful, but withal for many years bar- 
 ren. Leah was less beautiful, being afflicted with tender 
 eyes. And from these two sources I let the world see 
 the inconveniency of polygamy or bigamy. But to pass 
 from the discord of the women, I come to their sons, 
 amongst whom I made a pretty sort of an inroad, which 
 for a season yielded me exquisite pleasure. 
 
 You must know it is always more pleasure to me to stir 
 up discord among the good and virtuous, than any people 
 whatever; although, by the way, it is much more irra- 
 tional in them to quarrel with one another, than for those 
 who are strangers to equal privileges. Yet, such is my 
 dexterity, that, whilst they are in this world, I can make 
 them very often behave to one another more like enemies 
 than friends and brethren. However, they escape my 
 tyranny the moment they forsake their clay; and I am 
 forever banished from their peaceful mansions in the other 
 world. 
 
 To return to my story. Young Joseph, son of deceased 
 
OF DEVILS. Ill 
 
 Rachel, was his father's favourite; and the fond patriarch, 
 to evince his distinguishing regard to him, clothed him in 
 garments of many colours. This badge of affection sat 
 very uneasy on the minds of his brethren, who, to a man, 
 resolved to teach future parents the folly of partiality to- 
 wards their children; yet had prudence enough to bridle 
 their resentment until a favourable opportunity should of- 
 fer. It was not many years before an opportunity offered ; 
 for Joseph had a dream, divinely inspired, of which I made 
 very suitable improvement. He dreamed " that he and 
 his brethren were all reaping together in the field, and lo! 
 ere he was aware, his sheaf stood upright in the midst, and 
 all his brethren's sheaves stood round and made obeisance 
 to it." 
 
 Young Joseph, suspecting no harm, in his simplicity, 
 told his dream to his brethren. Not long after, he dream- 
 ed that the sun, moon, and eleven stars, made obeisance to 
 him; and, in the same simplicity of heart, told his breth- 
 ren this dream also, never once suspecting that they would 
 comment upon it to his injury. 
 
 At this time I happened to make a visit to them: and 
 having the matter without reserve laid before me, 1 re- 
 quested them to examine it with my instruments, as you 
 know I am never backward when there is any hope of 
 business. As they examined it they were unanimously of 
 opinion that the haughty boy was but too sensible of his 
 father's over-esteem for him. *'Vain youth, said they, 
 he can think of nothing but being lord over his brethren. 
 It is evident, from his repeated dreams, his mind runs 
 upon it through the day; for what people ruminate in the 
 day, they are apt to dream of at night." Such was the 
 sense my mirror gave of the affair. Then, said I, gentle- 
 men, be pleased to survey the matter with this telescope, 
 meaning prejudice. They did so, and said, " Did ever 
 any body see such a haughty presumptuous youth as this 
 stripling of a brother of ours is? It may be, the young 
 ambitious wretch feigned his dreams, the more easily to 
 introduce his supremacy! He be our lord! Must he.^ His 
 pride is boundless. It is not enough that he hopes to lord 
 it over his i)rethren, but his old father must, it seems, 
 make obeisance to his arrogance." 
 
 It was now I called on my brother Revenge to appear, 
 to whom I willed them to make their case known. This 
 
112 DIALOGUES 
 
 they did; and he, without hesitation, (as you know he is i 
 ready witted spirit) gave them his advice. " Gentlemen, 
 said he, the fact is evident; but v;hy do you perplex your- 
 selves? You have it in your pov.er to prevent his aggran- 
 dizement. Yonder he comes, and here is a pit hard by; 
 drown him in it, and see what will become of his dreams/' 
 *• By all means, said Envy; for you see the old man is so 
 doatingly fond of him, that he is ready to take his dreams 
 to be divinely inspired; and the more foolishly the youth 
 can dream, the fonder his father is of him; so that it is 
 now, if Joseph is well, he cares little what becomes of the 
 rest of his children." 
 
 The sons of Jacob, in part, followed our advice. They 
 cast Joseph into the pit, which happened to be dry: But 
 the angel of compassion wrought so far upon them, that 
 they spared his life, and sold him to a band of Ishmaelites, 
 who were to take care to dispose of him in a foreign mar- 
 ket, far enough from home. So you see it was by the 
 help of my incomparable instruments Joseph was sepa- 
 rated from his brethren. 
 
 IxFiDELis. If right reason had been director, they would 
 have allowed it possible that God might speak in a dream, 
 or in a vision of the night, to tlie lad; and that it was 
 time enough to punish him when he actually became 
 guilty of usurpation. But, in your way, right reason is 
 quite out of the question, cousin. 
 
 If agreeable to the great Fastosus, I hold it good we 
 disperse for the present, that our aSairs on earth be not 
 neglected; and let us meet here to-morrow morning, fos- 
 fresh conversation. 
 
 Fastosus. It is very agreeable to me, &ir. 
 
OF DEVILS. lis 
 
 DIALOGUE IX. 
 
 rASTOSUS, INFIDELTS, IMPIATOR, DISCORDANS, AND 
 AVARO. 
 
 It was my business to mind the appoietment, and give 
 due attendance, which I resolved to do, whatever should 
 be the consequence: accordingly I was there ere the ar- 
 rival of the infernal gentry, whom I waited for with im- 
 patience. At last they all came up the valley, to the place 
 of conference, where five sable thrones were ready to re- 
 ceive them. As soon as seated, the following converse 
 began : 
 
 Infidelis, Indeed! is it possible that my lovely Impia- 
 tor hath so far prevailed as to make a reverend vicar drink 
 until he is fuddled? Such a conquest as this makes greatly 
 for our interest: for when the parishioners know tliat the 
 parson himself was drunk in the week, they will pay very 
 little regard to his sermon the ensuing sabbath. Let him 
 preach repentance and reformation with all the ze.il he 
 may assume, every hearer will say in his heart, '* Physi- 
 cian^ h^al thyself. " I always knew that you, Avaro, had 
 large dealings with many of the clergy; but not until now 
 that my son Impiator had obtained such great power over 
 them. What! and swear too I To see a parson get drunk, 
 or to hear him profanely swear, would give joy to the de- 
 vil himself, amidst all his disappointments. I assure you, 
 in the days of the Puritans, I would have crept forty 
 miles on my hands and knees to have heard the one or 
 
 seen the other. But thou, my son 
 
 Impiator. Indeed, sire, you may depend on what I 
 say. Great and formidable are my enterprises. The.^e 
 eyes of mine have seen the foot-ball thrown down at the 
 church-door on Sunday, after service, in the presence of 
 the parson, who, like the father of his people, gathered 
 up his gown, and stood patiently to see which of his flock 
 could with greatest dexterity make it skim the sky. This, 
 you will say, was a pretty sort of transit made by the 
 holy man, from worshipping the God of heaven to serve 
 the famous devil Impiator. Ah, gentlemen, were 1 but 
 10* 
 
114 DIALOGUES 
 
 an eloquent spirit, I could tell you such wonders about 
 the profaneness of both priest and people as would re- 
 joice your hearts, and make you confess that few devils 
 have more ascendency over mankind than myself. 01 
 the young students, who are training up for the ministry, 
 are charming lads. It is but a few years since, a nymph, 
 who had been under the tuition of some of those young 
 clergymen, came to an overseer of the poor of the pa- . 
 rish, near a certain university, and desired to speak with 
 him. What is your will? said he. I am with child, 
 said she. I see that, returned he; but who is its father? 
 
 Three gentlemen, of Hall, said she. What 
 
 do you talk of, said he; only one of them can be its 
 father. Indeed, sir, they are all three the fathers of my 
 child, and are all willing to give security to the parish 5 
 and three very civil gentlemen they are, I assure you. 
 I think, said the overseer, they have not behaved very 
 civilly to you, seeing you are with child by them. 0! 
 sir, said she, they behaved very civilly to me. They got 
 me to their room, and kept me there for above a fortnight, 
 and all the while I ate with them, and slept with them at 
 free cost. 
 
 AvARo. Well, but brother, can you assert that as fact 
 upon your own knowledge? 
 
 Impiator. Yes, Avaro, I can; and more than that, the 
 overseer is yet alive, and caa at any time attest the truth 
 of it. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Well, I think they are hopeful gentlemen of 
 which to make ministers of the gospel; gentlemen who 
 may be of great service to our government. 
 
 Impiator. It is on that account I mention the af- 
 fair. And I could tell you a hundred such pretty little 
 stories. 
 
 Fastosus. Supposing my reverend brother Infidelis, 
 for the information of these younger devils, were to relate 
 part of his history, might it not be well? 
 
 Infidelis. I am ready to do any thing that tends to 
 the prosperity of our common cause; with a view to this, 
 I have already given Impiator some account of my birth, 
 and first enterprises; and now, for common instruction, 
 shall proceed. Having ascended the throne of Infidelity, 
 the first thing I attempted was, to lull men into a persua- 
 sion that I did not at all exist, and that there is no such 
 
OF DEVILS. 115 
 
 devil as unbelief in being. When I could not so uni- 
 versally prevail in this as I wished, I endeavoured to 
 persuade each of them separately, that however Infidelis 
 might reign over others, for their part, he had no domi- 
 nion over them. For, said I, you have a good heart, 
 and have believed well all your days. Although, as I 
 said before, I have conducted many of those, who fan- 
 cied they had behaved so well in their life time, very 
 safely down to the chambers of horrible despair, where 
 they were soon convinced they never believed at all 
 aright. 
 
 Then I endeavoured to persuade the people, that the 
 threatenings of God's law against sin ought to be consid- 
 ered as a fancy; and, to strengthen this doctrine, 1 thus 
 preached : (for you must know I have been a great preach- 
 er in my time,) '• Look you, you timorous-minded mor- 
 tals; you may clearly see, that God hath created you, 
 ■svith all the passions and appetites that attend you; and 
 can you believe that he did this with a design to prohibit 
 the gratification of them? No, surely I Could it be 
 consistent with the character of that God, whofee good- 
 ness is unto all, and whose tender mercies are over all 
 his works, to endue you with these passions and appetites, 
 and then damn you for gratifying them? No, no; those 
 threatenings are exhibited only to keep your consciences 
 in awe, but never designed to be rigorously executed. 
 The law will make large allowances for the inclinations, 
 passions, and infirmities of the human nature; never fear 
 it. The soul that sinneth need not to fear dying, as the 
 scripture hath threatened; and man shall not be cursed, 
 though he continue not in all things written in the law to 
 do them." 
 
 Here, gentlemen, you may see my fallacy, in deal- 
 ing with mortals; for although all the faculties and pas- 
 sions of the soul were indeed essential to its created 
 state, none of them were then irregular; none acted 
 from improper influence; for every passion centered in 
 its lawful and proper object. Besides, all sinful motions 
 and desires of the heart are the effects of my dominion 
 over man. 
 
 Then I proceeded to persuade them that God had for- 
 saken the earth, and took now no notice of the deeds of 
 man; so that every man might, with the greatest safety, 
 
116 DIALOGUES 
 
 gratify his peculiar inclinations. By these means it was 
 the great Impiator was brought into existence, whose do- 
 minion has increased, every year, with great rapidity. 
 
 I persuaded men that this world is the most certain 
 good. A bird in the hand, said I, is worth two in the 
 bush. Make sure of this world, and never fear for the 
 other. Do you consider this as your abiding place, and 
 build your nest in its highest branches, if possible. In 
 this I succeeded so well, that every man by nature, and 
 almost all by practice, look upon the present world as 
 the chiefest good. Then it was that Avaro was born in 
 our family, and Ambitiosus was born in the family of 
 Fastosus. 
 
 All this, you must observe, I did in disguise, or rather 
 in a state of invisibility. I dare not tell a man, when I 
 waited upon him, that my name is Infidelis: For although 
 they are fond of my nature, even to distraction, there is 
 not one of them but what hates to be told that he is con- 
 cerned with me. Indeed you cannot affront any of my 
 subjects worse than by naming him after me, and calling 
 him infidel. 
 
 Imi'iator. That is the very case with my subjects: 
 For, although they love my service with all their hearts, 
 they hate to be told of it. If a man should at any time 
 reprove one of them for his enormities, you would soon 
 hear him damn the reprover for a methodist, or puritan, 
 or a sanctified hypocrite. 
 
 Infidelis. It is no manner of difficulty for me to lurk, 
 unperceived by them, in the corners of their dwellings^ 
 but I cannot possibly hide myself from Moses, the vice- 
 gerent of the Highest. He is a person of a most piercing 
 eye, and can trace all the motions of spirit; therefore it 
 comes to pass that he and I have frequent bickerings 
 Moses being the perfection of light, and I the most con- 
 summate darkness, there is an eternal war proclaimed 
 betwixt us, and we never meet but we are at daggers* 
 drawing. 
 
 Sometimes he comes, knocking with a tremendous ham- 
 mer at the doors and windows of my lodging, as if he 
 would lay the house in a heap of ruins; whilst the people 
 within start and tremble at every thunder clap of his 
 hammer. Amidst their consternation, you may hear him, 
 from without, call to them within, with a voice louder 
 
OF DEVILS. 117 
 
 than many thunders, in the name of his atigust Master, 
 to bring forth the devil Infidelis, and all his train, to 
 public execution. But I am always well befriended bj 
 the people of the house, who, for the must part, tell him 
 that neither Infidelis, nor any of his train, live with 
 them, and that his excellency must needs have mis- 
 taken the door. They tell him he would do better to 
 enquire at the house of Tom Drunkard, or Jack the 
 swearer, where, very probably, say they, that evil spirit 
 may dwell. 
 
 This is often the beginning of a rupture betwixt him 
 and them; for he is not to be so easily deceived. He 
 shooteth his burning arrows with deathly vengeance in 
 at the windows, against the people of the house, whom I 
 exhort, by all possible means, to resist to the last ex- 
 tremity. Never did you see the warlike Corsicans exert 
 themselves with such ardor in defence of their liberties, 
 as my subjects in defence of my government. 
 
 Sometimes they so besmear his heavenly face with the 
 filth they throw upon him, calling him severe tyrant, co- 
 vetous extortioner, unjust villain, and the like, that he 
 gi\es over the assault, and leaves them to my quiet pos- 
 f»ession. Then I take my seal, and seal them to destruc- 
 tion. For you must know, it is but in some places he 
 exerts his unfrustrable influence. 
 
 It is likewise observable, that although my subjects will 
 give Moses a good character while he keeps at a distance 
 from them, every one will fight to the knees in blood, 
 when assaulted by him, ere they submit, so fond are they 
 of my person and government. Sometimes it hath hap- 
 pened, that, by irresistible force, he hath broken open the 
 door?, seized the people of the house by the collar, drag- 
 ged them to the brink of a pit called Despondency, into 
 which he tumbled them headlong, and left them shut up 
 in that dreary dungeon. 
 
 As soon as he is departed, I go to work, and turn some 
 neighbouring brook into the pit, with a design to drown 
 them, or throw down earth, stones, Scc. on purpose to 
 smother them; and so I continue to pester and disturb 
 them, until I am frightened away by the sound of Imma- 
 nuePs trumpet, as he himself approaches for their deliver- 
 ance: for you must know, I cannot stand my ground, but 
 take to my heels, when he appears. Many a time do i 
 
118 DIALOGUES 
 
 hear myself cursed for a hellish brat, even by those who* 
 but very lately, would have risked life and fortune, and, 
 with the greatest bravery, fought in the cause of prince 
 Infidelis. But as soon as they obtain a glimpse of Imma- 
 iiuel's glory, they have done with my yoke, and I lose 
 their affection for ever. 
 
 However, as I cannot endure that rational scripture 
 light should shine into the hearts of men, I have often 
 been puzzled to find out proper methods to resist the 
 power of Moses; for he is excessively turbulent some- 
 times, and frighteneth my subjects into a pretended ser- 
 vice of his Lord. In order to appease him. the sons of 
 men agreed to build a temple, and dedicate it to the Most 
 High; rather choosing to worship him, than be destroyed 
 by the artillery of Sinai. Accordingly to work they 
 went, and built a sumptuous dome for divine worship, in 
 order to stop the mouth of that never-ceasing accuser. 
 Now, thought I, things are likely to take an awkward turn 
 ■with me: if this worship is not interrupted, I shall lose 
 many of my present slaves. So I put my plodding brain 
 to the torture, in order to find out proper methods of pre- 
 vention: and I can tell you, gentlemen, I went wisely to 
 work: You remember that, Avaro, for you were my 
 helper. 
 
 The case was this. "We prepared the image of a wo- 
 man, fair and beautiful to the eye; she was inwardly 
 made of clay, and outwardly adorned with the appear- 
 ance of burnished gold. In her right hand was a regal 
 sceptre, titles of state, and plumes of honour, &.c. In 
 her left she carried a heavy purse of money, and a casket 
 of oriental jewels. L'pon her head was an Imperial 
 crown, studded with sparkling gems, which dazzled the 
 eyes of beholders, whilst they read the following motto, 
 which was written in all languages on her forehead, 
 '' I am the mistress of the whole world.'- We secretly 
 conveyed this image into one corner of the temple, and 
 placed it in such a manner as to be seen of all who en- 
 tered. 
 
 I soon perceived that the bait was suitably drest, and 
 our idol had charms enough to attract the attention of 
 the people. Ha, ha, ha, you would have laughed until 
 jour sides were tired, had you been there, to see how 
 the slaves looked asquint upon the idol as they ap- 
 
OF DEVILS. 119 
 
 proached the altar of God. Aje, and, in the midst of 
 their devotion, how they cast the tail of their eye to- 
 wards the place where she stood. After their worship 
 was over, how they bowed and cringed befare her 
 ladyship! The very parson himself did her humble 
 reverence, and many times embraced her in the most 
 affectionate manner. Then said I, ''a fig for Moses, 
 and all his threatening. I have the slaves as fast as 
 ever." 
 
 Impiator. Indeed, sire, you played the devil with them 
 then. But what said Moses? Did he calmly yield the 
 debate? 
 
 I.vFiDELis. No, no, he is none of your easy tempered 
 people, I assure you. His eagle-eye soon discovered the 
 cheat, and as soon did he resolve on vengeance, as ap- 
 peared by the event. Laden with burning fagots, he 
 came to the temple, and, roaring like many thunders, 
 he said, the flashes of lightning bursting as he spake, 
 "•' This people draweth near to me with their lips, but 
 their hearts are far from me. Put away from among you 
 that accursed evil, and worship the Lord with your souls 
 as well as your bodies, with your hearts as well as your 
 voices, or look for destruction, even in the embraces of 
 your idol." 
 
 This said, he hurled his brands amongst the people, 
 and terribly disturbed many of them. Indeed it was 
 something alarming to see them look so ghastly, and 
 tremble at his fearful menaces. In their first alarm, they 
 were for removing the goddess out of the temple, for 
 fear of immediate destruction; but being a little re- 
 covered from their fright, the far greater part found such 
 relentings towards her ladyship, that they could not 
 bear the thoughts of parting with her; believing still, in 
 despite of Moses, that her comely presence was highly 
 necessary, to render religion tolerable; and rather than 
 part with her, they resolved to part with the temple of 
 God itself. 
 
 Some few of them, indeed, were resolute for her re- 
 moval, deeming the urgent command of the heavenly 
 accuser not at all unreasonable: But their company was 
 very inconsiderable, and their strength inadequate to the 
 enterprise. When they attempted to remove her, they 
 ^ould not so much as move her feet off from the pedestal^ 
 
120 DIALOGUES 
 
 and notwithstanding the command was urgent, the far 
 greater part of the people could not help, even in the 
 midst of their devotion, looking towards the idol with an 
 approving countenance; and there she stands to this 
 daj, adored by most, and a snare even to the virtuous 
 and good. 
 
 AvARo. Great and manifold are the services which 
 that ornamented idol had done to our government, among 
 both preachers and others; for many of the sacerdotal 
 tribe have not the least view in their preaching beyond a 
 genteel living, and further preferment; to which end, 
 adulation and flattery is more studied than the gospel. If 
 they can but get the world to smile upon them, they de- 
 sire no more. Give them riches and honour, they may 
 preach the gospel who will, for them. Let the people 
 only pay their dues punctually, they may choose, for 
 the parson, whether they will serve God or the devil, 
 whether they will go to heaven or hell. Brave days, gen- 
 tlemen. 
 
 Lnfidelis. Yes, Avaro, the times are not to be com- 
 plained of; nor indeed have they been bad for many hun- 
 dreds of years, if circumstances are duly attended to. 
 But to my story. In process of time men became sen- 
 sibly that unless the heart were fixed upon God in acts 
 of religious worship, their services could not be accept- 
 able; but how to tix them they could not find. Being 
 afraid the result of their enquiries might prove dangerous 
 to my interest, if not interrupted, I advised them to make 
 to themselves representations of God in wood, stone, 
 brass, or iron, but rather of silver or gold, alleging that 
 the more valuable the metal, the more acceptable the sa- 
 crifice would be. 
 
 The sons of men no sooner heard, than approved of my 
 scheme, and sesolved forthwith to put it in execution. 
 Then, ere you were aware, every village was furnished 
 with one or two god-makers; a set of artificers from whom 
 our present saint-makers in Italy, Spain, Portugal, &c. 
 are descended; for modern times have not changed, but 
 only given a different name to this craft, by which the 
 popish parsons get their wealth. 
 
 But, alas! having never seen the shape of God, at any 
 time, they were obliged to form their images in the mould 
 of their own fancies, which being various, it came to pasi 
 
OF DEVILS. 121 
 
 that in one place the invisible Deity was likened to an old 
 man with a venerable long beard, grasping a bunch of 
 reeds, which thej called thunder. In another place he 
 was represented as half man and half beastj jea, so vari- 
 ous were the fancies of the artists, that in one place God 
 Almighty was made like a fish, in another like an eagle, 
 or hawk, and in another like a log of wood, and indeed 
 sometimes like a beast with four feet. So very briskly 
 was this trade carried on, that all who were able to buy 
 had, in a few years, one or more god almighties, of man's 
 making, in their own houses^ the very same as our good 
 friends the papists have got almost every one a saviour in 
 his pocket or chamber. In the holy Roman church, you 
 may find in every house a Jesus Christ of one kind or 
 another? for there be many sorts of Jesus Christs, as 
 golden Jesus Christs, silver Jesus Christs, wooden, and 
 even paper Jesus Christs, all made with as much craft as 
 the ancient pagan gods. 
 
 AvARo. The trade of fhrine-making among the papists 
 is a good sort of trade; but I can tell you it falls far short 
 of the craft of saint-worshipping, by which the priests 
 get their wealth. Many a wooden saint there is in the 
 holy church, which hath brought into the priests' trea- 
 sury about six times its weight in gold. And indeed the 
 pagan priests reaped equal benefit from their godsj from 
 whence we learn that priestcraft hath been the same in 
 all ages. 
 
 Infidelis. Some people there were, of more refined 
 knowledge than their neighbours, who advised against the 
 trade of god-making, saying, *' We must not bow down to 
 graven, nor molten images, nor in any wise worship 
 them." — My priests, according to my directions, answer- 
 ed as follows: *' It is not the image which you worship, 
 nor do you at all bow your knee to it; but being emble- 
 matic of the divine presence, it greatly assists you in 
 your devotion." This learned reasoning calmed the con- 
 sciences of most of the dissenters, won them over to the 
 religion by law established, and greatly wrought for the 
 good of .the church. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. Why, sir, that is the very apology which 
 the papists make for image worship, relict-adoration, &c. 
 butii^deed it is no wonder, seeing their religion is one and 
 the same with that of the pagans. 
 11 
 
122 DIALOGUES 
 
 IxFiDELis. Some few there were, rigid nonconformiscfj 
 who insisted that God must be M'orshipped in spirit and in 
 truth; insisted that all idolatrous lumber should be cast 
 out of the temple; by which the worthy clergymen of that 
 age were so grievously galled, that they were forced, in 
 a pious and tender manner, first to give up the heretics to 
 the devil, and then put the flesh to death for the salvation 
 of the soul: In the very same manner (and for much the 
 same cause) as the holy Romish fathers excommunicated 
 and burned the protestants. But the devil knows, by his 
 experience, that the church has not half the power she 
 pretends to; for out of the vast numbers which she hath 
 generously given to him, it is but a very few he hath 
 been able to receive: Notwithstanding, both the pagan, 
 papal, and other churches, have hereby shown the good 
 will which, all along, they have borne to him and his in^ 
 terests. 
 
 Having fairly introduced idolatry, I tried, if possible, 
 to lead men further otf from their Maker still; and for 
 this end I brought in gods and goddesses a numerous 
 train. For instance, if any man was more remarkable 
 than others for murdering his neighbours, or for giving 
 large gifts to the church, that is, the clergy, I got him 
 deified as soon as he died, and had worship offered to 
 him, in the same degree with saint-worship in the church 
 of Rome; for saint-worship and hero-worship differ only 
 in name. 
 
 Indeed it is but doing justice to saints in the Romish 
 calendar to observe, that the greatest part of them obtain- 
 ed their saintship for murdering of princes, massacreing 
 protestants, robbing their heirs for the good of the church, 
 or for raving mad enthusiasm. Well, 1 went on and pros- 
 pered, until I had brought all the world, a few individuals 
 excepted, to worship the works of the mason, carpenter, 
 blacKsmith, or founder. Encourage but any trade, and it 
 is sure to prosper: The god-making trade being univer- 
 sally encouraged, prospered exceedingly; for in a little 
 time there were national gods, much the same with the 
 seven champions of Christendom; provincial gods; county 
 gods; parish gods; and even household gods,"to the great 
 emolument of the clergy. I think, gentlemen, you must 
 all allow that I have not spent my time in idleness among 
 mankind. 
 
OF DEVILS. 123 
 
 Fastosus. No, no^ brother, idleness don't suit you and 
 sne. We will leave it to foolish men and women so to 
 spend their lives; but we will fulfil the old proverb used 
 among them, viz. The devil is never idle. Let them enjoy 
 their idleness in this world; we shall very likely find 
 them enough to do in the next. 
 
 Infidelis. I think it is something more than seventeen 
 hundred and sixty years ago that I had a trial of a very 
 extraordinary nature to grapple wdth, such as I never had 
 before then, nor ever shall encounter while I breathe the 
 sulphurous smoke of the pit. Oh, it v/as a sore trial, 
 gentlemen. Immanuel, a very dear lover of men, having 
 sat on the circle of heaven for near four thousand years, 
 with much relenting of mind, and longings for human 
 happiness, from thence beheld the dreadful havoc I made 
 in the world, rendering the whole posterity of Adam the 
 children of wrath. Often did he call to the inhabitants of 
 the earth to take me up, and burn me for a witch; but 
 they were too much my friends to regard his advice: And 
 indeed, had they regarded, it would have been an under- 
 taking such as they could not execute without auxiliary 
 strength. He sat long, and long he wondered that there 
 was no friend to help against so potent an adversary: 
 when at last he saw there was none to help, he arose 
 from his jasper seat, and, in a transport of love, declared 
 that his own arm should bring salvation. According to 
 the high determination, he dismantled himself of the 
 robes of manifest glory, laid aside his imperial diadem, 
 which irradiates all the coasts of light, posted down to 
 this world on the wings of compassion, resolved to en- 
 counter by dying. 
 
 Alarmed at such an unprecedented enterprise, I des- 
 patched our swift winged courier with all possible speed 
 to hell, to inform my great father, and the infernal divan, 
 of the astonishing event. As soon as Fame reported her 
 .story, the monarch summoned his peers to meet him in 
 the flaming council chamber, there to deliberate on the 
 matter; and having maturely weighed every circumstance 
 of it, it was resolved to despatch the devil Malevolus to 
 Fastosus and me, with directions suitable to the occasion. 
 That he, with Ambitiosus, Perfidia, Falax, and me, should 
 take up our residence at Jerusalem, with the scribes, 
 pharisees, and doctors of the law. We immediately obey- 
 
124 DIALOGUES 
 
 ed our instructions, and succeeded admirably in our em- 
 bassy. At the same time, Crudelis and Concupiscentia 
 were appointed plenipotentiaries to the tetrarchical court 
 of Galilee, where they received infallible testimonies of 
 Herod's esteem. 
 
 Against the time that Immanuel \vas to be revealed, 
 Herod admitted our cousin Suspiciosus to frequent audi- 
 ences, of which the devil Crudelis, to his everlasting 
 honour, greatly availed himself^ He persuaded the te- 
 trarch that, for his own safety, it was highly necessary 
 he should kill, destroy, and cause to perish, all the 
 children in Bethlehem, from two years old, and under, 
 in order that young Immanuel, who was formerly called 
 the Ancient of Days, might be involved in the general 
 massacre. This was the opening of our evangelic cam- 
 paign; since which time we have caused the shedding of 
 as much christian blood as, if collected into one mass, 
 would make a tide as deep as ever was seen at London- 
 bridge. 
 
 At this time there appeared one John Baptist, a zeal- 
 ous Nazarene, and harbinger to Immanuel. He was 
 likely to do great injury to our interest, therefore it was 
 thought best to have him destroyed, which, by thy means, 
 Discordans, we happily accomplished in part. Perhaps, 
 Discordans, you can give a better account of that aftair 
 than I, as you were more deeply concerned in it. 
 
 Discordans. I do not know tliat, uncle; but I am ready 
 to tell you what hand I had in it. You all know the man, 
 and a trusty friend of ours he was, as any in his day. 
 You know he most inordinately loved Herodias, his own 
 brother Philip's wife; and, by the direction of our friend 
 Concupiscentia, he added incest to his adultery, by taking 
 her to his bed. It was about this time that this famous 
 Baptist, the founder of the sect called by his name, began 
 his public ministry: and, fearless of man, exclaimed a- 
 gainst all manner of uncleanness; for he was faithful to 
 his commission. AVell, this same austere Baptist took 
 occasion one day, in the following manner, to reprove the 
 tetrarch for his lewdness: " Herod, said he, the God who 
 made thee hath, for his own glory, exalted thee to the te- 
 trarchical dignity; but, far from studying his honour, 
 thou actest most unworthily, and turnest his goodness to 
 thee into wantonness. Dost not thou know, that the 
 
OF DEVILS. 125 
 
 same God who made thee ruler in Galilee, hath said, 
 -*Thou shalt not commit adultery." Put her therefore 
 away from thee; if thou dost not, thou must expect that 
 the Most High will mingle for thee the cup of his indig- 
 nation." 
 
 1 was then at the court of Galilee, and did not fail to 
 improve the Baptist's admonition to the most fdtal pur- 
 poses. I transformed myself into the likeness of a grave 
 courtier, a form very familiar to me, went up to the king, 
 and held my inverting mirror before his eyes, bidding 
 him to take a full view of the matter thus. As my 
 humble servant he did as I directed, and immediately 
 gaid, '* I perceive this field preacher, this same Bap- 
 tist, is an enemy to the Roman government, and, 
 because I am a friend to Caesar, he hath taken this 
 advantage against me, doubtless to prejudice the minds 
 of the people, either to the divesting me of the tetrar- 
 chical power, or to the subversion of Csesar's govern- 
 ment." 
 
 When I had brought him thus to misconstrue the 
 honest designs of the Baptist, I held my partial telescope 
 to his eye, through which he looked with great atten- 
 tion, and as he looked said, '' What a presumptuous 
 wretch is this, to take upon him to reprove me I Me, 
 who am his lord and master, and can soon destroy both 
 him and his father's house. Must Herod be reproved by 
 this despicable fellow with the rough garment.^ Is it 
 ROW so low with Caesar's deputy, the tetrarch of Gali- 
 lee, that he must mildly bear the insolence of every 
 snarling peasant,^ No, it is inconsistent with our dig- 
 nity, to let such daring boldness pass with impunity. 
 If a courtier, or nobleman clothed in soft raiment, had 
 taken a little liberty with me, it might have been 
 borne. But for this field-preacher 1 This Baptist, 
 hahl" 
 
 By this time the great Revenge, that famous devil, 
 vhose history is so tragical, thought it time for him to 
 appear at court; and, as soon as he judged it convenient, 
 tnus accosted the offended king: *• My lord the king, if 
 your highness suffers such insolence as this to go un- 
 punished, your nobles will contemn you; every paltry 
 priest will say. Yonder goes the incestuous Herod; aye, 
 the very publicans and Herodians will allege that you are 
 
 n* 
 
126 DIALOGUES 
 
 unworthy the dignity you sustain, and all will censure 
 your pusillanimity, in letting such daring insolence 
 pass with impunity. Remember, my lord, that if wide- 
 mouthed fame should, as is very likely, report the matter 
 in Caesar's ear, it is ten to one but he will cashier you, 
 either for your reputed incest, or your want of ma^na- 
 'nimity. Sir, for your honour's sake, cast John into 
 prison." Herod was easily persuaded, and John was 
 committed to jail. 
 
 On mature deliberation, however, he was afraid of put- 
 ting liim to death, for he knew that the people had a good 
 opinion of the renowned Baptist; therefore he lived in 
 prison, notwithstanding Revenge made daily solicitation 
 for his blood. On every occasion when he met with 
 Herod he thus accosted him. '* Well, sir, is the Bap- 
 tist dead yet? What! not yet, sir? What do you mean 
 by sparing him so long, sir? I assure you, sir, he ought 
 to die for his insolence. Sir, his crime is no less than 
 high treason against your person." Thus he plied hini 
 daily. 
 
 It happened, at a certain time, that Herod made a 
 great festival in honour of his own name, which festival 
 proved fatal to the innocent Baptist: for, ever since he 
 had given oftence, the devil Revenge had taken up his 
 lodgings with Herodias, the tetrarchess. She very well 
 knew how foolishly precipitate Herod was wont to be in 
 his wine, and how much his eye was to be allured with 
 a well-performed dance, especially if performed by a 
 handsome young lady. Not at afl doubting but Hero- 
 dina, her daughter, would captivate the king so far as to 
 bring about the much desired death of John Baptist, she 
 decked her in superb array, instrueted her what to ask, 
 if he should be pleased with her, then led her into the 
 hall where Herod and his nobles were carousing. There 
 she footed the hornpipe with such exactness, that the 
 mistaken eye of the tetrarch took her for a divinity, 
 and swore that he would otter a great sacrifice to her, to 
 the value of one half of his kingdom, if her highness 
 would only deign to inform him what sacrifices were 
 most acceptable to her. She replied, **■ human sacrifices 
 are my delight. Give me then the Baptist's head in a 
 charger." 
 
 Now there began a horrid scuSle in the tetrarch's 
 
OF DEVILS. 127 
 
 breast. If he fulfilled not his oath, he thought he lost 
 his reputation with his nobles, who sat at table with 
 him,- and if he did behead John Baptist, according to 
 his oath, he exposed himself to the resentment of the 
 people. 
 
 In the midst of this scuffle in came Revenge, and ad- 
 dressed the king. ^'I assure you, sir, John deserves a 
 thousand deaths, for his insolence to your highness." 
 *• Besides, said Fastosus, who was then at court, the 
 great tetrarch hath no way left but this to preserve his 
 own character unblamed." Then cried Herod, "Who 
 will go for us to prison, and behead the Baptist." To 
 which Crudelis replied, ''Here ami, send me." Ac- 
 cordingly, having obtained Herod's consent, (for we can 
 do nothing against mankind but by their own consent) he 
 went and beheaded Immanuel's harbinger. 
 
 Thus, gentlemen, you see, that by my famous instru- 
 ments, false reasoning, and prejudice, I cause oftence to 
 be taken where there is none intended. John only ful- 
 filled his divine mission, and sought the good of the te- 
 trarch, by calling him to repentance; but my mirror in- 
 terpreted his honesty into treachery and insolence; which 
 clearly shows that it changeth the appearance quite con- 
 trary to the nature of things. But, reverend uncle, I pre- 
 vent your proceeding with your story. 
 
 Infidelis. The cumbersome Baptist, thus despatched, 
 we united all our forces against Immanuel himself, who 
 was by the Jews called Jesus of Nazareth. Many were 
 the conferences which we had with the Jev/ish rabbins, 
 doctors, priests, scribes and pharisees, in which all our 
 debates turned upon that object of our common hatred. 
 The high priest, Fastosus, Malevolus, and me, were al- 
 ways placed at the head of the assembly, and every ar- 
 ticle was finally referred to us for decision. The vene- 
 rable high priest, addressing himself to me, asked what 
 I thought concerning the pretensions of this Galilean? To 
 whom I replied, '' If it please your reverence, I think he 
 is an arrant impostor; for his father you know, and his 
 mother you know, his brethren and sisters, are they not 
 all with you? But, continued I, when Messiah shall come, 
 no man can tell whence he cometh, nor whither he goeth." 
 Gentlemen, you will always know my style, by its ele- 
 
12S DIALOGUES 
 
 gance, wherever vou meet with it, should it be even in 
 the volume of revelation. 
 
 Fastosus. I well remember these things, and the 
 learned oration which at that time I made in the Sanhe- 
 drim; and now we are associated in such a friendly man- 
 ner, I have a good mind to repeat it to vou. You have it 
 in the following manner: •* Hearken to me, ye righteous 
 teachers of the law, the virtuous governors of the Lord's 
 inheritance, and I will unfold to you a just state of the 
 matter. You all know that the expected Messiah shall 
 descend from a virgin princess, of the lineage of David; 
 but is this the son of a princess? Is his mother a virgin, 
 being the wife of a carpenter:" Here you will observe 
 how I led them off from the truth, by attending to ap- 
 })earances rather than reality; for Mary, the mother of 
 Jesus, was actually a princess of the line of David, 
 though obscure, and actually a virgin when he was con- 
 ceived, though after that the wife of a carpenter. Ev- 
 ery circumstance attending his birth correspt)nded ex- 
 actly with ancient predictions recorded in the Biblej 
 though, by the way, it was by no means suited to the 
 expectatiuns of the Jews. But, to my great mortifica- 
 tion, I must confess, that although the great men of the 
 earth rejected him, the angels of heaven descended to 
 hymn their new born Lord. The constellations of the 
 firmament showed forth the birth of Messiah. Eastern 
 sai>;es heard the proclamation of the stars, and came to 
 the city of Bethlehem, to offer oblations to the iDcarnate 
 source of life. 
 
 So very clear indeed are the Old Testament prophecies 
 concerning this affair, that the generality of the Jews 
 were at that time in full expectation of the coming of 
 Messiah; therefore it required great address sufficiently 
 to blind their eyes, that they should not see and know 
 him when he came, to which purpose my speech was won- 
 derfully adapted. ** You know, and all the holy rabbins 
 know, continued I, that Messiah shall come in power 
 and great glory; shall break the iron yoke of Romau 
 servitude frum off your necks, and exalt the throne of 
 David, his illustrious ancestor, high above the thrones of 
 the kings of the earth, giving to his happy subjects do- 
 minion and great glory, subjecting to your government 
 
OF DlEVILS. 129 ' 
 
 all those who wish your destruction. M^orthj assem- 
 bly, said I, you have chosen the great Fastosus, as your 
 president and director. Hearken, therefore, to me, and 
 I will show you my opinion, concerning }our expected 
 Messiah, and his appearance among you. It is most 
 probable, that, when he comes, he will be born of illus- 
 trious parents, in the family of David, and when grown 
 mature in years, you may expect to see meet in him, 
 a combination of all great and good qualities. By liis 
 wisdom and prowess, he will rekindle the martial spi- 
 rit of the Jewish warriors, leading the armies of Israel 
 to glory and conquest, and his throne shall be exalted 
 above all the kingdoms of the earth. You may there- 
 fore expect that, when Messiah shall come to your de- 
 liverance, you shall see an illustrious prince, attended 
 by a warlike retinue, breathing vengeance against your 
 enemies. But can this be him? could the Messiah, think 
 you, find nobody but poor shepherds to be the publish- 
 ers of his birth? More likely if Jesus had indeed been 
 the Messiah, he would have made choice of your rever- 
 ences for his heralds. Can it ever be supposed, my ven- 
 erable rabbins, that an obscure person, attended by a 
 few despicable fishermen, can have any legal pretensions 
 to the vacant throne of illustrious David? Or can it ever 
 be thought, that the son of a Galilean carpenter, attended 
 by a few of the riff-raft' of the people, is likely to restore 
 the kingdom to Israel? 
 
 Besides, continued I, let him be what he may, it would 
 bring dishonor on the princes of Israel, should they sub- 
 mit to be governed by the son of a mechanic. 
 
 Who knows but the coming of Messiah may be yet 
 more glorious, and ye shall see the heavens Open over 
 your heads, he shall appear in the firmament, guarded 
 on right and left by innumerable battalions of armed se- 
 raphs, with whom he may descend and stand upon the 
 mount of Olives, before he shall make his triumphant en- 
 try into the holy metropolis of Jewry. Then shall he 
 despatch his flaming soldiers, with full commission to 
 kill, destroy, and cause to perish all such stubborn Gen- 
 tiles, who refuse to submit to the Jewish empire now be- 
 come universal. Your enemies all destroyed, great shaU 
 be your felicity and glory, for he shall reign among you 
 
130 DIALOGUES 
 
 in righteousness, peace, and glorious prosperity, unto all 
 generations. 
 
 To whom, mj worthy rabbins, will he come, but to 
 such a generation of righteous men as yourselves. Ye 
 yourselves are witnesses of your own righteousness and 
 devotion. None say longer prayers; none give alms 
 more publicly than you do. So great is your zeal for re- 
 ligion, that ye rob v/idows houses for \he good of the 
 church. So pious your example, that my life for it, it 
 will be imitated by the clergy in after ages. Your wick- 
 ed ancestors fell very far short of your piety; for they 
 killed the prophets, and stoned them who were sent un- 
 to them; but your reverences, so far abominate their 
 murderous deeds, that you build and beautify their sepul- 
 chres. You may safely conclude, that you are the right- 
 eous generation to whom the Messiah will come." Thus 
 I swelled their expectations so very great, that, when the 
 real Messiah was actually among them, they reviled him 
 as the worst of impostors. 
 
 IxFiDELis. The great Fastosus and me, having show- 
 ed our opinion, the devil Malevolus was humbly request- 
 ed to speak, his mind. And he, by this time, was in a 
 transport of rage: boisterously cried out, '* Away with 
 him for an imposing villain! If he were the Messiah, 
 would you ever find him coming out of Galilee? — 
 Search, and you will see that out of Galilee ariseth 
 no prophet; neither can any good thing come from 
 thence. Were I in your places, I would rather be sub- 
 ject to the Romans for ever, than sufter this fellow to 
 reign over me. I hate his person; I hate his attend- 
 ants; I hate his laws and doctrines; and, above all, I 
 hate his pretensions to the crown of Israel. It were 
 low times with you indeed, if an obscure carpenter 
 should be exalted to the throne, to reign over the Lord's 
 inheritance." 
 
 Fastosus. It is time for us to attend our industrious 
 subjects. Shall we meet here to-morrow, at noon, as 
 iisual? 
 
 0^. Agreed, sir. We will meet. 
 
OF DEVILS. 131 
 
 DIALOGUE X. 
 
 ALL THE DLVLOGEANS PRESENT. 
 
 A% soon as the infernal gentry decamped, I went 
 home, and found our parish priest at my house. I 
 thought this a good opportunity of acquainting h^ with 
 my adventure: but he concluded, with the rest of my 
 neighbours, that my brain was disturbed, and that those 
 imaginary gentry were only the fruits of distraction. 
 However, as I thought myself capable of judging be- 
 tween imagination and reality, I left the parson to his 
 mistake; went to my closet to correct what I had taken 
 down in the former part of the day; and got all ready 
 by next day at noon, to listen to the sable gentry. Ex- 
 actly at noon they came; for I found them exceedingly 
 punctual one with another. As soon as they were seated 
 on their ebon thrones, they resumed their discourse; and 
 Infidelis thus began. 
 
 Infidelis. It happened that the venerable rabbins 
 held another council, to assist at which, the devils, Fa- 
 lax and Perfidiosus were invited. In this august as- 
 sembly, the main thing to be considered was, by what 
 possible means, right or wrong, they might persecute 
 and destroy Jesus of Nazareth from the face of the 
 €arth. The great rabbins and doctors, by this time, 
 began to fear that if some decisive step was not speed- 
 ily taken, all the country would become Nazarenes. 
 This induced them to apply to those worthy spirits, 
 (who are known to be excellent contrivers,) and fervent- 
 ly solicit their assistance. And, as they are by no means 
 bashful, they very soon gave the high sanhedrim satis- 
 faction. 
 
 "Venerable rabbins, said they, we are apprehensive 
 that it will be very difficult to accomplish any thing 
 against this Jesus of Nazareth, unless we can stir up 
 enemies against him, among those of his own house- 
 hold, and cause some, who eat bread at his table, to 
 lift up their heel against himj for you all know hig 
 
132 DIALOGUES 
 
 conduct is perfectly unblameable. Now we have, at 
 no great distance, a notable limb of the devil, trained 
 up in all the mazes of deep deceit and treachery, fitted 
 for such perdition. Him will we persuade to ingratiate 
 himself into the favor of Jesus, and to become one of 
 his train. When this is done, he shall act the traitor, 
 and betray him into your hands, nothing doubting but 
 you will then take care to destroy his life, how inno- 
 cent soever he may be." 
 
 ''Certainly we will, rejoined the high priest; for it 
 is expedient that one should die tor the people." Ac- 
 cordingly the devil was despatched to this son of treach- 
 ery, whose name was Judas Iscariot, who, being a 
 plodding covetous man, in hope of getting a bag of 
 money, took his instructions from Perfidiosus, went 
 and joined hin\sejf to the train of Jesus and obtained 
 a part in the apostolic ministry. In the mean time, 
 we, and the auxiliary Jews did all in our power to 
 prevent the advancement of his evangelic kingdom, 
 by bringing the person and ministry of Jesus into as 
 much contempt as possible. We represented him as 
 a glutton, a drunkard, a Samaritan, a wizzard; and, 
 in short, every thing that was bad. His doctrine we re- 
 presented as subversive of the law; notwithstanding we 
 knew him to be holy, harmless, and undefiled, separate 
 from sinners; that he came to magnify the law, and make 
 it honourable. Because his works were such as carried 
 their own evidence with them, and which could by no 
 means be contested, we persuaded many of the Jews, that 
 they were performed by the power of Beelzebub. Others, 
 who were better informed, being stirred up by the devil 
 Malevolus, out of pure malice, fell in with the common 
 cry, and defamed him as one who had intercourse with 
 Satan; and thus they sealed themselves ours; as we need 
 never fear losing a man after he is capable of such tran- 
 sactions. 
 
 Impiator. And who were they chiefly, father, who 
 thus acted the devil's part so perfectly as to sin unpar- 
 donably ? 
 
 JfcFiDELis. Not the vulgar, who knew not the law, I 
 assure you; but men of priestly reverence, gentlemen in 
 holy orders, gentlemen venerable for their erudition 
 and literature; the doctors in divinity, the scribes of 
 
OF DEVILS. 133 
 
 t^e law, the religious pharisees were the men, and their 
 descendants have in every age been their humble imita- 
 tors. It is unknown how much the devil has been obli- 
 ged to gentlemen of the gown, and to scholiasts in gen- 
 eral. 
 
 It happened, in process of time, our friend Judas found 
 an opportunity to betray him into the hands of the prin- 
 cipal priests, for the goodly reward of thirty pieces of sil- 
 ver; for even Judas would not serve the devil for noth- 
 ing. At the same time my son, Slavish Fear, who is a 
 spirit of gigantic stature, fell upon and routed all his fol- 
 lowers, so that none of them remained with him in his last 
 temptations. As soon as Immanuel was seized and fet- 
 tered, they led him in triumph to prison and judgment, 
 •where our steady friends. Hatred and Falsehood, were 
 appointed witnesses against him, in behalf of the common- 
 wealth. So very hard did they swear against him, that he 
 *.vas brought in guilty of death, as had been agreed on be- 
 forehand. As soon as the jury of priests brought in their 
 verdict, the devil Crudelis, and Pilate, who sat judge, 
 arose and gave sentence against him; which, for its sin- 
 gularity, I shall repeat. 
 
 1. That the Jewish ploughers should make their fur- 
 rows long and deep in his dovoted flesh. 
 
 2. That his face should be marred with shame and spit- 
 ting. 
 
 3. That his cheek should be bruised by the slavish 
 hand of the barbarous smiter. 
 
 4. That he should be delivered over, for further tor- 
 ment, to those who pluck off the hair. 
 
 5. That, in point of the greatest contempt, bis tem- 
 ples should be torn with a mock crown of piercing 
 thorns. 
 
 6. That be should be crushed to the earth beneath the 
 weight of the cross, to which he was to be nailed for exe- 
 cution. 
 
 7. That, in his extreme torture, he should have no 
 drink, but the sourest vinegar mixed with gall. 
 
 8. That, in the most barbarous manner which devils, 
 priests, and soldies could devise, his mangled body 
 should be stretched upon and nailed to the accursed wood. 
 And, 
 
 9. As unworthy of either, that he should be lifted up 
 
 12 
 
134 DIALOGUES 
 
 betwixt heaven and earth, a spectacle to devils and men, 
 and there hang: till he was dead. 
 
 As soon as the sentence was denounced, the devil Ma- 
 levolus cried out, " Away with him: soldiers, away with 
 him. Come, let us crucify him. His sentence is by far 
 too mild. Away with the varlet to Calvary." So they 
 led him away to crucifixion. 
 
 At the same time, our infernal nobility were struck 
 with amazement, at the seeming power which man had 
 gained over Immanuel^ and great Beelzebub, in the 
 midst of his astonishment, thus addressed his senators: 
 " Once was the memorable time that we made such 
 an attempt, to subvert the government of God, by re- 
 sisting the power of Immanuel; but great was our de- 
 feat, and dismal our overthrow. Our designs were not 
 only frustrated; but we ourselves, in the height of 
 our confusion, fiercely hurled from the resplendent sum- 
 mit of primeval glory, into the yawning gulf of unfathom- 
 able perdition, where we are still reserved in these hor- 
 rible chains, to the judgment of the great and terrible 
 day. A day, the \ery thoughts of which make this no- 
 ble frame of mine to tremble as the quaking asp. But 
 how it comes to pass I know not, these earthborn sons 
 of ours seem exceedingly to surpass us in power: For I 
 saw Immanuel stand fettered at their bar; dumb as a 
 sheep before her shearers, he opened not his mouth. I 
 
 am much afraid there is some hidden mystery in it. 
 
 What is tins? My undaunted mind is not 
 
 wont to misgive me thus! What can this unusual 
 
 tremor, which now invades my heart, portend? 
 
 I hate timidity: and yet I cannot help fearing, that this 
 commotion of my intellects is ominous of some event, fa- 
 tal to our interest. 
 
 *• I cannot deem it possible that the God of heaven 
 and earth would patiently submit to such indignities, 
 had he not some ends to answer by it, to which we at 
 present are strangers. Often have I prophesied true; 
 but may my prophetic mind be mistaken in its present 
 timorous forebodings! Mean while, let us, my infer- 
 nal brethren, harden ourselves in despair; for it is now 
 long since hope took wing and fled from these dreary 
 mansions, strong in fury, and fired with revenge, let 
 us quit ourselves like devils and avowed enemies of 
 
OF DEVILS. 135 
 
 righteousness. As for me, I hold it good that we in- 
 stantly fly to the assistance of our devoted friends the 
 Jews. Having this unexpected opportunity, let us not 
 fail to improve it to the best advantage: let it not be ow- 
 ing to our negligence, if the state of Immanuel be not over- 
 turned. Let us not have the hell to reflect, that we omit- 
 ted any thing that might tend to promote the interest of 
 darkness." 
 
 Great Beelzebub finishing here, and his motion being 
 universally approved of. all the legions of reprobate an- 
 gels, a few excepted who were left to look after the affairs 
 of the damned, took wing for earth, to assist at so very 
 amazing an execution. Arrived at Calvary, they formed 
 themselves into an invisible ring around the elevated 
 cross, where, to their unspeakable astonishment and won- 
 der, hung Immanuel, the maker of the world; and you 
 may be assured they did not fail, as far as it was in the 
 power of fallen spirits, to torment his oppressed soul. 
 Ay, ay, so successful were we devils, priests, and sol- 
 diers that day, that no less was hoped for than a decisive 
 victory over the Son of God. 
 
 But, how shall I speak it.^ to the everlasting mortifica- 
 tion of the infernal peers, just as Immanuel was, to all 
 appearance, ready to expire, on a sudden he exerted 
 his mighty power, seized old Beelzebub and dashed 
 him against the cross, then casting him to the earth, 
 he so bruised the head of the serpent with his heel, 
 that there is great reason to believe he will never re- 
 cover as long as he live. It would have grieved the 
 heart of the very Crudelis himself, to see the abuse 
 which our great and venerable parent received on that 
 occasion. 
 
 Impiator. Well, sire, I cannot but think how truly 
 the prophetic mind of Beelzebub foreboded his mis- 
 fortune. But what were the rest of the chiefs a do- 
 ing? Why did not all the veterans flee to his assist- 
 ance? 
 
 Infidelis. a pertinent question, indeed, consider- 
 ing by whom it is made, my son. But I assure you, 
 we were never so greatly mistaken in our days as at 
 that time. For when we thought ourselves sure of the 
 victory, to our sad experience we learned, that Immanu- 
 el was strongest in death. For even when he was dy- 
 
136 DIALOGUES 
 
 ing, he laid U3 all under the most perfect arresf; nous 
 of us could take one step, either backward or forward 
 but as he gave permission^ so that being spoiled of all 
 our power, we could not help ourselves, much less the 
 afflicted prince. This done, he cried out, with a voice 
 which shook the very foundations of both earth and hell, 
 " It is finished," and was then conveyed by death into an 
 invisible state. 
 
 This done, once more we thought the day our own. 
 But here, I cannot omit that fearful stagnation of nature 
 which happened then, and the set of new preachers 
 which were introduced. For when all under our influ- 
 ence had forsaken Immanuel, who was betrayed by one, 
 denied by another, and forsaken by all his preachers, the 
 indignant sun could not endure that sight; as if angry 
 and ashamed at the proceedings of the sons of men, he 
 covered his face with a sable cloud, and denied one smi- 
 ling ray to delinquent earth whilst his Lord was ignomi- 
 niously crucified. As if it had been seized w^ith uncom- 
 mon tremor, the earth itself fell into a fit of violent con- 
 vulsions, the mountains reeled, the rocks rent, the graves 
 opened, the dead arose, and all to preach the sufferings of 
 the God of nature. An invisible hand rent the veil of the 
 temple, that cloth of extraordinary texture, in twain, from 
 the top to the bottom; and a voice was heard to say, " The 
 glory is departed from Israel and now the most holy place 
 is laid open." 
 
 Death having conveyed Immanuel to its lonely man- 
 sions, the resolute, though maimed Beelzebub, our great 
 prince, recovered himself as much as was possible, his 
 head being incurably broken; mustered his maimed for- 
 ces and went to the assistance of Death, if possible, 
 to keep Immanuel fast^ prisoner in the silent tomb. — 
 Nothing doubting, but if this could be, we should ren- 
 der all that he had heretofore done and suffered, null 
 and void. The better to succeed in this important en- 
 terprise, we sealed the door of the sepulchre and set a 
 watch of faithful soldiers, instructed by the chief of the 
 Jewish priests; and still to make the security stronger, 
 every fiend did his utmost to impose weights on the burl- 
 ed body of Immanuel, to prevent his resurrection from the 
 solitary grave. 
 
 But, to our eternal confusion, on the third day of hia 
 
OF DEVILS. ISr 
 
 Invisible state, he arose, shook himself from the dust, 
 came to the door of the sepulchre, burst it open, and 
 laid hold on Death, who stood as sentinel next to the 
 door of the tomb, trampled him under his feet, and, bj 
 main force, wrenched from him his poisonous sting, that 
 sad repository of all his strength. This done, he said, 
 *' Henceforth, monster, hast thou no power over the 
 people for whom I have died." Then he broke impetu- 
 ously through all the lines of martial infernals, who 
 stood in firm phalanx around the tomb, and seized the 
 lately wounded chief, who was very ill with a fever in his 
 mind, arising from his disaster upon Mount Calvary. — 
 lie took the fiend, the great Beelzebub, chained him to 
 the axle of his chariot, mounted his seat, and rode tri- 
 umphantly through the gathering crowds of joyful saints, 
 who on golden pinions descended from heaven, in solemn 
 strains, to hymn their all-conquering and triumphant Re- 
 deemer. 
 
 O my friends, my dear infernals, it must have pierced 
 your hearts with the most poignant sorrow, to see him 
 dragged in triumph through all the host;* of saints and 
 angels, who fearless stood in blazing ranks to see the 
 longed for solemnity; and, at the same time, to see 
 our beloved friend Death lie gasping for life at the 
 door of the sepulchre. Great was the confusion of the 
 infernal brigades, when they saw their principalities 
 spoiled, and Death and Satan so terribly handled: Yea, 
 so tremendous was their amazement, that to escape the 
 avenging hand of risen Immanuel, they retreated even 
 to the nethermost depths of hell, and his scattered dis- 
 ciples again resorted to his erected standard. But the 
 greatest disappointment and consternation was, when we 
 understood that after all our diligence and hazardous 
 exploits, we, with our auxiliary priests, &.c. had done 
 nothing, but what the hand and* council of God had pre- 
 determined should be done; that, by our seeming victory 
 over Immajiuel, he had for ever subdued us under his 
 feet; and that all our hatred, envy, and cruelty, was ful- 
 ly recompensed into our own bosoms; now deeper damn- 
 ed than ever. 
 
 AvARo. Ha! father, these were troubles, indeed, 
 such as do not happen every day: But it is not for 
 us to desist from tempting when our designs miscarry^ 
 12* 
 
138 DIALOGUES 
 
 then should we not act the part of desperadoes, such a9 
 we are. 
 
 Infidelis. Ah gentlemen, great was the cause of my 
 dismay; for Immanuel gave such demonstration of his 
 Messiahship, that all which was written in the propheta 
 concerning him, was exactly fulfilled in his life and 
 death: Yea, so very striking was the evidence, that 
 many cried, ''Truly this is a just man;" and others, 
 '* Truly this is the Son of God." Therefore, I great- 
 ly feared that all the world would become believers m 
 him, and consequently shake oft' my yoke. But I was 
 much obliged to my good friends, the Jewish clergymen; 
 for their reverences greatly befriended me, and warmly 
 espoused my interest; exerted their utmost power to es- 
 tablish the throne of great Infidelis, and to destroy the 
 early seeds of Christianity, sown by Immanuel, and now 
 beginning to grow. 
 
 Immanuel having, in opposition to all the powers ef 
 darkness, finished the work for which he came down to 
 the earth, he triumphantly ascended to his native heaven, 
 to the primeval embraces of his Eternal Father, and as- 
 sumed all the ensigns of empyrean glory. 
 
 Soon after this, the high festival of pentecost drew 
 on, and I, as formerly, attended at Jerusalem, in the 
 midst of many thousands, who, according to the law, 
 came up to worship upon that occasion, not only from 
 Judea, but from nations very remote. I dreaded no 
 harm at the hands of a few illiterate fishermen, haviLg 
 not been informed that any of the rulers, or of the scribes 
 and pharisees, had believed in Jesus; and therefore was 
 at no pains to prevent the multitude from coming up to 
 the solemnity as usual. But here was another shock my 
 kingdom sustained; for Peter, the fisherman, who, so ve- 
 ry lately, like a dastard, impiously denied his Lord with 
 profane oaths, now filled with the Holy Ghost, stood up 
 in the midst, and clearly proved that Jesus was the very- 
 Messiah; and upon this occasion played oft' the lieavy ar- 
 tillery of Sinai on the consciences of my people, which 
 was attended with success so fatal to me, that no less 
 than three thousand were pierced through the heart at 
 once, and fell on the field of action. Now it was that 
 my evil apprehensions were again alarmed, plainly per- 
 ceiving that the artillery of the word was levelled 
 
OF DEVILS. 1S9 
 
 against my person, and that tlie first end of the gospel 
 was the subversion of my diabolical government. How- 
 ever, I drew up all the forces which I possibly could, in 
 the hurry of that surprise, my soldiers crying out, as 
 they gave the volley, *" These men are drunken with 
 new wine." It was but a poor opposition to a doctrine so 
 powerful, I allow, but it was the best that could at that 
 lime be made; for we were obliged to retreat in much 
 confusion, and leave the Christian fishermen masters of 
 the field. 
 
 As soon as we were a little recovered from the dis- 
 order into which that unexpected misfortune had plunged 
 ns, I summoned a council of war, in which the self- 
 righteous Jews were the principal, next to our infernal 
 train. I myself gave special orders that some method 
 should be concerted effectually to destroy the name of 
 Jesus; for, said I, *' If we let them alone, all the people 
 will believe in their doctrine." In this council it was 
 resolved to raise an army of those who were the greatest 
 adversaries to the name of Jesus, to whom orders should 
 be given to kill, destroy, and cause to perish, all who 
 believed in this way, until the Christian religion should 
 be banished from the face of the earth. This army was 
 raised, and the command given to Saul, of Tarsus, at 
 that time a mighty zealot for us, and who, for a season, 
 made dreadful havoc of all that believed contrary to 
 the faith of the priests. For it ought to be observed, 
 that the opinion of the priests has been esteemed true 
 orthodox}, and the only faith, in all ages and coun- 
 tries. 
 
 But here another sad disappointment and loss befel me; 
 for as this same captain Saul was on his march to Damas- 
 cus, to fight a pitched battle with the Christians, it so fell 
 out that Immanuel himself was taking a tour in the valley, 
 to see how the pomegranates buddetl, and falling in with 
 trusty Saul on his journey, unveiled his own personal 
 excellencies to him, and laid him under an immediate ar- 
 rest. As soon as he saw the beauties of Immanuel, he 
 felt the most sincere esteem for his person, and conceiv- 
 ed the most exalted sentiments of his friendship and 
 love. Yea, he was even so much grieved that ever he 
 had drawn his sword against him, that he renounced the 
 lervice of Infidelis on "the spot, took the oath of allegi- 
 
140 DIALOGUES 
 
 ance to Jesus, and thenceforward hated my person 
 and government with the most perfect hatred, and did 
 v/hat he could to overturn our state and subvert our gov- 
 ernment. 
 
 Immanuel having the most tender regard for Saul, 
 gave him a new name, written upon a white stone, ap- 
 pointed him one of his prime ministers, and sent him 
 on an embassy to my subjects, to negociate a revolt from 
 mel 
 
 You cannot conceive the astonishment the Jewish 
 clergy were in when swift-winged fame arrived, and 
 blowed abroad in every street that Saul, who was 
 formerly so zealous for our interest, was now become 
 a ringleader of the sect of the Nazarenes, and was like^ 
 ly to do us more mischief than all who had gone before 
 him. 
 
 By this time several of the Jewish rabbins rebelled 
 against me, and joined themselves to the Nazarenes, 
 wiio now made it their whole business to go from place 
 to place, exhorting my subjects to revolt, exposing my 
 deformity and devilishness to all they met with. 01 
 those were trying times; for notwithstanding we had 
 forces out against them in every quarter of the world, to 
 impede their progress, the word of God by their means 
 prevailed in such a manner, that it was beyond our 
 power to suppress it: For if we burned one Nazarene, 
 two more presently sprang up out of his ashes. Even 
 Rome itself, then the metropolis of the .world, and seat 
 of pagan virtue, and Athens, where Minerva is said to 
 have been trained up, were soon infested with this new 
 doctrine; and very considerable numbers in them durst 
 oppose our government, and dispute our title to empire; 
 even alleged that the wisdom of this world is fool- 
 ishness with God, and that all pagan virtue is but 
 dross and dung, in comparison of the gospel of Christ 
 Jesus. 
 
 However, to cut my story as short as may be, after 
 many hundred thousands of the Nazarenes were slain j 
 my subjects became weary of the war. By this time 
 they saw clearly that persecuting them to death only 
 served to increase their number and strength: So that if 
 those restless devils, Malevolus and Crudelis, would 
 have been quiet, they would gladly have dropped their 
 
OF DEVILS. 141 
 
 weapons, and agreed to a cessation of hostilities with the 
 Christians. 
 
 Impiator. Little judgment as lam allowed to hare of 
 historical aflfairs, I myself have seen what effect opposition 
 usually hath upon that class of people^ for if in any place 
 where my standard is more eminently elevated there hap- 
 pened to be any of that sect, you shall find them more 
 fervent in their study of virtue, and zealous in their op- 
 position to me, than in those provinces where Morality or 
 Civility preside. Ah, gentlemen, we have had trying times 
 pass over us! 
 
 Infidelis. Trying times indeed. For notwithstand- 
 ing the fervent zeal of Malevolus and Crudelis, the 
 many sore campaigns they had served so enervated their 
 arms, that, although their principles remained implaca- 
 ble, they were even obliged to sit down in despair of 
 ever being able to extirpate the religion of Jesus from the 
 world. 
 
 But my fertile brain soon produced fresh devices. 
 Seeing many of my temples forsaken, and my idols with- 
 out mercy thrown to the pavement, I began to think of 
 other expedients to impede the progress of Christianity. 
 I laboured to introduce Ease, and her handmaid Pros- 
 perity, among the Christians, not without hope that 
 when they were full they would forget their God. The 
 better to favour this deep contrivance, I persuaded the 
 valiant Crudelis to scabbard his sword for a season, and 
 leave the people of our heart to the possession of their 
 tranquillity. 
 
 It was not long that this scheme had been put in prac- 
 tice ere I began to reap the fruit of my wisdom; for 
 Ease and Prosperity wrought more to my advantage than 
 all the excursions of the devil Crudelis. When they 
 were at ease from the lash of persecution, they were 
 foolish enough to quarrel among themselves, grievously 
 bit and devoured one another, the cause of their strife 
 for the most part being who should be the greatest. 
 
 Fastosus. a very important question, much canvass- 
 ed, but never as yet resolved. Had 1 been a clergyman 
 instead of a devil, I had certainly been a great casuist in 
 this part of school-theology. Never was a point of doc- 
 trine more belaboured certainly than this, and never were 
 people more divided in sentiments than about this resolu- 
 
142 DIALOGUES 
 
 tion, even from the great church of Turkey down to the 
 smallest dissenting congregation. The divines of the es- 
 tablished church in Turkey stand stiffly to it that Ma- 
 homet and themselves ought to preside over all the be- 
 lieving world. The doctors of France, Spain, and Italy 
 are as firmly persuaded that pre-eminence is due to none 
 but his holiness and themselves; and that all who are 
 not of the same opinion are certainly in a state of dam- 
 nation. 
 
 As for their reverences in England, though they will 
 deny no honour to his popeship which really is his due, 
 they will submit to none as the leading priest but his 
 Grace of Canterbury, and consider that church which 
 they are the pillars of as the purest establishment that 
 the lower world can boast of. Others indeed there are 
 ^vho greatly question his Grace's right to preside, and 
 therefore refuse to bow to his mitre, resolving to be en- 
 slaved in their own way. Hence, although the reverend 
 members of the associate synod cannot in conscience 
 submit to the corrupt governors of the kirk of Scotland, 
 all of whom they have long since recommended to the 
 care of the devil, much less can they bow to a metro- 
 politan, whom they call the image of the pope. They can 
 very cordially submit to the government of the reverend 
 Mr. Adam Gibb, because they themselves had the plea- 
 sure of choosing him. That goes a great way. And 
 hence it is every society has its Pope. — The venerable 
 
 of at submit for the same reason to the 
 
 great ; and the of to the rev. ; so 
 
 that it is not submission itself that is objected to, so 
 much as the mode of it; for gentlemen will be submis- 
 sive enough, may they but choose a pope for themselves. 
 But remember this, whoever is chosen the pope of a par- 
 ty, is by his partisans always deemed the greatest For 
 instance, at the foundery, none is so great as the Rev. 
 Mr. John Wesley, sometime fellow of Lincoln, Oxon. 
 
 And at the none ever preached or wrote like the 
 
 great , D. D. author of , and of , and of , 
 
 &.C. &:c. &c. But amongst them all, a very few are found 
 who consider Jesus Christ as the greatest, and who pro- 
 perly call him Master. 
 
 AvARo. I thought Immanuel had settled that point long 
 ago. Did he not establish this rule for the observance of 
 
OF DEVILS. 143 
 
 bis disciples, ** Whosoever will be great among you, let 
 him be your minister; and whosoever will be chief among 
 you, let him be your servant." Did not the divines abide 
 by his determination? 
 
 Fastosus. No, Avaro; quite the reverse: for the 
 schoolmen will have it, that he who is chief shall be 
 lord over his brethren. By these means they have an- 
 nexed a certain degree of nobility to their religion, 
 which Jesus never intended to be joined with his. But 
 we hinder the reverend Infidelis proceeding with his 
 story. 
 
 Infidelis. Those female fiends, the ladies Prosperity 
 and Ease, as plenipotentiaries for Beelzebub, made great 
 proposals to them^ and indeed they soon established 
 kingdoms, principalities, and powers, of the christian 
 name. 
 
 Then were the Christians able to maintain themselves 
 against their pagan neighbours, my professed subjects. 
 This I patiently bore, believing that the martial spirit of 
 the Christians, a little indulged for the present, would 
 greatly make for our interest, and the final establishment 
 of my kingdom. 
 
 Those reverend ladies. Prosperity and Ease, had not 
 been long amongst them, ere many who bore the Christian 
 name were desirous of coming to terms of agreement 
 with me; but upon this express condition, ''That in the 
 treaty of amity betwixt them and me, it should be stipu- 
 lated that they still be called by the name of Christ, 
 for it was now become scandalous to bear the name of 
 another." This request I thought reasonable enough, 
 and that to grant it would be no very great concession 
 on my part; therefore I readily agreed, and the treaty 
 was confirmed. It is an invariable rule with me, that 
 it is not very material whether a man is called a Chris- 
 tian or not, provided I have but safe possession of his 
 heart; for names do not change the nature of things. 
 
 This amiable fiend, lady Prosperity, rested not in her 
 pleasing operations until she had quite reduced the ori- 
 ental nations to such a degree of reason, that they peti- 
 tioned my personal return among them; and, as my 
 loving subjects, returned to their allegiance. Having 
 now secured the oriental, the splendid lady and me un- 
 dertook the conquest of the occidental church; and, the 
 
144 DIALOGUES 
 
 better to succeed In our enterprise, we fixed our abode 
 at Rome, famous both for ancient and modern paq;anism. 
 As for me, I knew it was necessary I should remain in- 
 cognito, until a fair opportunity should offer for mj 
 emerging out of darkness; but my lady Prosperity deck- 
 ed herself in her richest attire, and openly resided a- 
 mong the Christians, who were so ravished with her 
 excellent beauties, that he was deemed the most happy 
 man who could prevail with her excellency to take up 
 her lodging in his house. Her ladyship, you know, is 
 not to be won by every one who addresses her. Here 
 she acted according to previous instructions, and made 
 free with the bishop's house, as best suited to our pur- 
 pose. 
 
 Wonderful were the'works which she performed there; 
 for, at her first arrival, the bishop was no more than a 
 plain honest man, having but one congregation in his 
 diocese; but first she created him reverent; then his 
 lordship; then his grace; and after that, his holiness, &c. 
 Indeed, the vast dominion and immense revenues which 
 she conferred on him, so swelled the haughty prelate, 
 that, not contented with the honours then possessed, he 
 claimed dominion over all, as the father of the whole 
 world. Even this was short of giving content, unless 
 he should also reign over heaven and hell; therefore he 
 hath seized the gates of both, and lets in and out just 
 whom he pleases. Nothing short of arrogating to him- 
 self the prerogatives of the Almighty could satisfy his 
 ambition, such as his holiness, infallibility, supremacy, 
 &c. The devil" himself never aimed at higher things. 
 In the mean while, her ladyship, at her leisure hours, 
 waited on those who were of any account among the 
 Christians, who, for the most part, had nothing of christi^ 
 anity but the name. Some indeed were firmly attached 
 to Immanuel, who could not be bribed, even by her larg- 
 est offers; but their number was comparatively small. 
 Seeing the progress which Prosperity made, they went 
 about the streets complaining in some such words as 
 these: ** This harlot. Prosperity, will be the ruin of Chris- 
 tianity." 
 
 In process of time I was sent for to the bishop's court, 
 he being entirely reconciled to me. The worthy prelate 
 received me with all the reverence due to my person, antl 
 
OF DEVILS. 145 
 
 .laid before me a beloved scheme, which he had designed, 
 and of which he desired my opinion. 
 
 Having maturely digested his plan, I replied, " Worthy 
 and self-adoring sir, lias your holiness power sufficient to 
 defend your deitysliip, providing your divinity should be 
 called in question?" To which his holiness said, "'Yes, 
 yes, yes, I have, I have. There are several potent princes 
 who will conspire to make me omnipotent. They will 
 spend their substance, depopulate their dominions, de- 
 stroy their bodies, damn their own souls, and the souls 
 of their subjects, in defence of my godhead. There are 
 many wise priests also, who will contribute all their wis- 
 dom, for their own emolument, to make me omniscient 
 or infallible." Having such an agreeable account of 
 his holiness's aiTairs, I resolved all his scruples at once, 
 for thus I addressed him: ''Most subtle of all the 
 priests, if thus you are supported, I think all things 
 go very favourably. Therefore lose no time in pub- 
 lishing to the world your excellent scheme of divinity; 
 let it be proclaimed that henceforth you are no longer 
 man." 
 
 Tmpiator. His holiness was in the right of it to dis- 
 claim humanity. What mortal man was ever endowed 
 with such qualities as are his? V/hat mere man was 
 ever infallible? Kot Peter, he fell low enough. Infal- 
 libility is an essential attribute of Godhead, and his ho- 
 liness being possessed of that, must needs be God. What 
 man ever did, or ever will, reign with despotic power 
 over all the priests and princes of the earth, putting 
 down one and exalting another at his pleasure, like his 
 holiness. It is by him that kings reign, and princes de- 
 cree judgment^ and not by the Almighty, as formerly. 
 Therefore his holiness can be no mortal man. And yet a 
 mortal god is a strange sort of character. 
 
 Infidelis. The great priest thanked me for my good 
 advice, secretly renounced the name of Jesus, and swore 
 allegiance to me; called for Falax, whom he chose. for 
 his scrivener, and Perfidiosus, whom he appointed secre- 
 tary; then, with all convenient speed, issued forth an 
 edict, in which it was declared, 
 
 1. That the word of God is no longer of any force 
 to decide religious controversies; but that the bare 
 
 13 
 
146 DIALOGUES 
 
 word of his holiness at Rome should determine in e\eTj 
 case. 
 
 2. That no man, henceforward, should dare to search 
 the scriptures, contrary to the resolution of the apostolic 
 chair, the Bible being condemned as a book full of heresy 
 and protestant tenets, containing many things pernicious 
 to the souls of men, and very derogatory from the honour 
 of holy mother church. 
 
 3. That the pope's Bible, or canons, decrees, and le- 
 gends, are to be held as the only rule of faith and prac- 
 tice, exclusive of all others, underpainof eternal damna- 
 tion. 
 
 4. That God, who made heaven and earth, hath no 
 longer power to save or damn any man without the pope's 
 permission; and that the infallible bishop of Rome v/ould 
 save and damn whom he should think proper. 
 
 5. Notice was given to all whom it might concern, that 
 the free pardons v/ere already all expended; so that a 
 former proclamation, made from another quarter, which 
 held forth nothing but free pardons, is to be held null and 
 void; and that in future no man may expect pardon un- 
 less the full price is paid into the hand of a faithful priest, 
 as delegate of his holiness. 
 
 6. That the Holy Ghost is to be deemed incapable of the 
 work of sanctifi cation; all the souls he hath undertaken to 
 cleanse having been found with many spots upon them, 
 before they passed through his holiness's furnace, here- 
 after to be named. 
 
 7. Advertisement: That his holiness the pope has, at 
 great expense, obtained a very large quantity of the most 
 purifying fire in hell, together with a battalion of the most 
 skilful furies of the pit to work the flames, both of which 
 he hath placed in limbo, alias purgatory, where, for a pro- 
 portionable sum promptly paid unto one of his holiness's 
 vassals, or priests, any catholic spectre shall be burned as 
 white as a bishop's hand. 
 
 8. The better to encourage this branch of priestcraft, it 
 was declared, that no case is quite desperate, but that of 
 those who abide by the Bible as the only rule of faith and 
 practice. 
 
 9. It was declared, that the Almighty has no longer 
 any power to support princes in their sovereignty, that 
 
OF DEVILS. 147 
 
 power having devolved upon his popeship; who, for the 
 future, would exalt or debase princes, as ihej proved 
 steady or unsteady to his interest. 
 
 10. It was enacted, that no man should in the least call 
 in question the pope's divinity, his supremacy, and infal- 
 libility; and every person thus oifendiug should be deem- 
 ed an atheist, a heretic, and traitor, and as such should 
 be destroyed. 
 
 Now, ray brother, having thus far carried on my his- 
 tory, let me beo; you to recite some part of yours. 
 
 Fastosus. AVith all my heart, brother; but it must be 
 to-morrow morning. Our time is now spent. Business 
 must be attended, or it will wither and decay. 
 
 DIALOGUE XI. 
 
 ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 
 
 Fastosus. Pray, Crudelis, what is this mighty affair 
 '.'nat so highly ticliles your fancy.^ Let your kindred share 
 in your mirth, I beseech you. 
 
 Crudelis. Yesterday afternoon I was conjured up by 
 Squire Broadfield, to assist in the whipping of a poor man, 
 who, being ready to perish with hunger, unluckily begged 
 a morsel of bread at his door. But, before I give you an 
 account of the whipping, I shall first give you a specimen 
 of the gentlenian's character. 
 
 Squire Broadfield is a gentleman, and justice of peace. 
 He is worth five thousand pounds a year; and that is 
 enough to m.ake him a gentleman, even if his father had 
 been a beggar: to make him wise, though born a fool; 
 learned, although a very dunce. Indeed it must be 
 owned, the principal part of his worship's education was 
 had under Dr. Ringwood and Dr. Jowler, the celebrated 
 tutors of his kennel. Their maxims he perfectly under- 
 stands, and their virtues he has adopted. But five thou- 
 
148 DIALOGUES 
 
 sand a year, you know, makes the study of the kennel 
 truly classical. 
 
 Talk you of Orpheus to him, his worship proposes the 
 virtue of Ringwood to your consideration. Do you ad- 
 mire the ardour which flames in the Iliad's, his worship 
 says, no music like the voice of Jowler. Tell him of the 
 majesty of Viigij, he will bid you mind v.ell the gait of 
 his horse, what a majestic creature he is. An eiiperor, 
 says he, might be proud to ride such another. Do you 
 recommend the pleasures of solid learning to him, he is 
 in raptures about the diversions of the chase. As yet 
 he hath avoided the yoke of matrimony; not that he was 
 ever an admirer of cuntirjeLice, few gentlemen bemg more 
 conversant with the fair sex than his v/orship. He keeps 
 in his house a wanton train of overfed servants, the su- 
 perfluities of whose table would comfort the bowels of 
 many indigent: besides a pack of hounds, wliich devour 
 more than serves to mainiain all the poor in the parish 
 workhouse. But this miserable wretch, who cannot work, 
 because he is lame, and having no parish to flee to for re- 
 lief, chooseth to beg rather than steal, for vvhich his wor- 
 ship ordered him to be severely whipt by my good son the 
 beadle, until he shall be made willing either to steal for 
 a living or to die of hunger. 
 
 Impiator. 1 am not certain that John Ketch, Esq. of 
 fiital character, had any hand in procuring the law for 
 whipping beggars: but certainly it adds greatly to his re- 
 venue. Nor am 1 certain that it was made on purpose to 
 drive vagrants from begging to stealing, in order 'more 
 speedily to ease the nation of such a burden; but certain 
 1 am, it greatly helps to liil up the Tyburn chronicle. 
 But what more, cousin? 
 
 Crudelis. As the poor lame fellow w^as confronted by 
 the beadle, and was convinced of the reality of his wor- 
 ship's benevolent intention to have him well flogged, he 
 fell on his knees, and implored mercy for God's sake, and 
 for Christ's sake, &c. promising that if he might be for- 
 given this once, he v;ould never return fo these parts any 
 more. He pleaded his indigence, his hungry belly, his 
 lameness, his belonging to no parisii, and every thing his 
 fear could devise; but all served only to harden the jus- 
 tice's heart the more. He ordered the beadle to take hira 
 
OF DEVILS. 149 
 
 » 
 away, and do his duty immediately. The beadle signi- 
 fied to him, as they drew near to the whipping post, that 
 he felt some relentings of heart towards him; and that if 
 he could only give him a handsome fee, he would favour 
 him as much as his reputation would admit of. But, upon 
 enquiry, finding that the old fellow was so wicked as to 
 have no money, his heart became like brass, and he re- 
 solved to ply him thoroughly, to the satisfaction of hia 
 worship. Accordingly, when Squire Broadfield and ma 
 arrived in company to see the sport, there was the poor 
 rascal, whose poverty was his principal crime, tied to the 
 post, and mangled with the cord, which the lusty beadle 
 plied with nervous arm. 
 
 Oh! how his worship and me did laugh to see the vil- 
 lain, whose poverty was obstinate, leaping, as his lame- 
 ness would let him, and writhing his bloody back, as the 
 whip was lustily played about him by the sturdy beadlej 
 ^vho, for his part, would rob and steal, and do any thing, 
 rather than be whipped by a trusty brother of the trade; 
 yea, would act ten thousand villanies, rather than die of 
 hunger. This fellow must be a most incorrigible rogue, 
 to be sure, if he is not willing, by this time, either to 
 steal and be hanged, or patiently to die of an empty 
 belly. 
 
 Impiator. Whal, Crudelis, have they made a law to 
 whip all the beggars that infest your country? 
 
 Crudelis. No, no, Impiator. I heartily wish there 
 were such a law; for then I would even quit my devil- 
 ship to become king of the beadles. If all the beggars 
 were to be punished at the whipping-post, /(as I know 
 no reason why they should not) periiaps his worship him- 
 self, and his reverence the parson of the parish, would 
 not escape a thorough drubbing. And yet, Crudelis as 
 my name is, I think the whip-beggar-law is very partial 
 and unjust, as it lays hold on none but poor petty beg- 
 gars, who would be content with bread, shins of beef, 
 and table beer, whilst others may, with impunity, beg 
 and obtain some thousands a year of the nation's 
 money. 
 
 What are all the ranks of mankind, but so many beg- 
 gars? Does not his reverence, the inferior clergyman, beg 
 a living from my lord bishop, or some neighbouring noble- 
 man; and do not their lordships beg of the king? D© 
 13* 
 
150 DIALOGUES 
 
 not the very members of parliament come, hat in hand, 
 and meanly beg of the corporation, having no conscious- 
 ness of worth in themselves? Do not the pliant cour- 
 tiers sue to the favourite for places of trust for the sake 
 of the profit? — Beggars all, except the stern patriot, a 
 pelican which does not appear once in a century. But 
 if their lordships, the noble beggars, and their honours, 
 the gentlemen beggars, are to be considered as authors of 
 the whipping law, I should have wondered indeed if 
 care had not been taken to exempt themselves from its 
 penalty. 
 
 The case stands exactly thus. If a gentleman, extra- 
 vagant beyond his revenue, begs for a thousand or two 
 per annum, lie shall not only escape with impunity, but 
 obtain his suit; provided always he will be the humble 
 pliant creature of the minister: but if a poor, helpless, 
 low-born wretch, pinched with hunger, happens to beg a 
 piece of bread in an interdicted place, he shall be exer- 
 cised at the whip|)ing-post. 
 
 IxFiDELis. 1 think, brother Fastosus, you agreed to 
 give us some account of your affairs. We should hold 
 ourselves much honoured by the favour. But for this, 
 I would beg the history of my son Crudelis, who makes 
 himself so merry at the expense of foolish, vicious 
 mortals. 
 
 Fastosus. His history might be entertaining enough, I 
 suppose; but doubtless mine must be much more elegant 
 and instructive, as my concerns have been mostly wiih 
 venerable gentlemen, and with none more than those of 
 the sacerdotal function. 
 
 Notwithstanding I prevailed with the Jews, almost u- 
 nanimously, to contemn the person and testimony of .lesus 
 of Nazareth, the Christian religion gained ground in the 
 world. Yea, the word of God grew mightily, and pre- 
 vailed over the traditions of both Pagan and Jewish sages; 
 therefore, from thenceforward, I found it necessary to 
 deal deep in the things of religion. 
 
 I began my trade with ecclesiastical titles, which were 
 altogether unknown in the days of Christ and his apos- 
 tles; a set of goods very venerable with the populace, and 
 wholly of my manufacture; an assortment of trifles which 
 greatly pleased the lords of religion, and forwarded the 
 oeep designs of priestcraft 
 
OF DEVILS. 161 
 
 Impiator. With your leave, sir, I have heard that all 
 (he lord bishops are descended in a right line from the 
 apostles; must it not then follow, that the convocation 
 of Jerusalem consisted of tlie most reverend fathers in 
 God, their graces, my lord Peter, my lord Paul, Lc. &c. 
 metropolitans; and the rioht reverend fathers in God, my 
 lord Stephen, my lord Philip, my lord Timothy, my lord 
 Barnabas, &.c. diocesians? 
 
 Ikfidelis. Son, you ought not to interrupt your hon- 
 ourable uncle. You may remember that these titles are 
 all of later date. 
 
 Fastosus. My nephew shall hear, if he will but have 
 a little patience. The famous lady Prosperity and you, 
 brother, had not been a very great while at Rome, be- 
 fore I found sufficient encouragement to erect my office 
 for vending sacerdotal titles there; and I must own 
 that for many years I had a brisk run of trade, until, 
 in fact, the church had room fur no more, from the 
 great infallible priest at Rome down to a Cumberland 
 curate. The first production of this kind was a very 
 brilliant medal, inscribed with these five capital letters, 
 P. A. T. E. R., which having finished, I presented at 
 a general convocation of bishops, who as yet were not 
 become reverend. They were highly pleased with the 
 device, having never seen such a thing before. The 
 worthies examined it one after another, and all found 
 that the venerable letters, well put together, and pro- 
 perly interpreted, signified Father. And certainly the 
 event has proved that great is the magical power of this 
 medal. 
 
 Every one said to his fellow, *'What can be more 
 agreeable to our function than this venerable title.^ Are 
 not we the fathers of the people:" They forgot that 
 One is the father of the people, even God. I was 
 therefore desired, with all speed, to procure a like medal 
 for every member of this august assembly. >oon after 
 this, I provided medals more highly finished, and ia- 
 scribed, 
 
 P, A, T, R, I, A, R, C, H, A, 
 
 one of which I bestowed on the holy bishop of Rome; 
 a second I gave to the bishop of Alexandria; a third to 
 
15a DIALOGUES 
 
 that of Constantinople; a fourth to that of Jerusalemj and 
 a fifth to him who presided in the church of Antioch. In 
 all which places my medals were more highly valued than 
 the finest ruby; and he who could by any means obtain 
 one of them was supposed to be elevated far above the 
 common rank of mortals. 
 
 Long and very successfully had I followed that medal- 
 lion trade, wiien a famous and worthy prelate of Rome, 
 who was a great admirer of my productions, came into 
 my ofiice. After doing obeisance to me, and turning 
 over my pretty devices, he assked me *' If I thought, with 
 all my ingenuity, 1 could produce a genuine medal with 
 this inscription, 
 
 P, A, P, A, S, : S, U, P, R, E, M, U, S. 
 
 OR, 
 
 EPISCOPUS UNIVERSALI S." 
 
 I told him, that if all the artists in hell were to unite their 
 wisdom in one mechanical head, it would be utterly im- 
 possible; for, said I, ihe whole citation doth not furnish 
 sufficient materials. But, if it please your holiness, I can 
 make you a sham medal of that sort, which may perhaps 
 answer all the ends you have in view as well as if it were 
 real. Oh! said he, t care not, fur my part, whether it is 
 real or counterfeit, if I can only, by your assistance, my 
 worthy Fastosus, impose upon the credulity of mankind, 
 and make the world believe that 1 am supreme pope, 
 and universal bishop; then I should reign with despotic 
 power over the estates and consciences of all christians. 
 My good friend, please you to make me the medal, and 
 I will cause the world to believe that I had it from the 
 Almighty, with letters patent under the broad seal of 
 heaven, for the sole use of it to me and my successors 
 forever. *' 1 well know, returned J, that your holiness 
 means no more than in a pious manner to impose the 
 cheat upon the world, the better to fill your coffers, and 
 aggrandize your name; in which laudable undertaking 
 your adored Fastosus shall be ever ready to direct and 
 assist." 
 
 To work I went, having called in the assistance of se- 
 veral of our friends, and made a counterfeit medal, in the 
 
OF DEVILS. 153 
 
 likeness of a treble crown, with certain inscriptions of the 
 cabalistic kind upon it. They were short but pltljy sen- 
 tences, as jou shall hear. 
 
 On the one side of the first crown was inscribed, He 
 that is honoured as tiie wearer of this medal, is possessed 
 of infallible knowledge. Opposite to that was carved, in 
 fine lialian, He is supreme over all laws, divine and hu- 
 man. On the right side of the second crown were these 
 words, in large capitals, This is the head of the Church. 
 On the left were these. This is the vicar of Christ, and 
 successor of Peter. On the third and uppermost crown 
 were the following. The keys of heaven, hell, and purga- 
 tory are in his possession, and tised only at his pleasure. 
 Round the edge was this writing, He. reigneth supreme 
 over all the king? of the earth, putteth down one, and ex- 
 alteth another at his pleasure. 
 
 When finished, I presented it to the arch prelate, who 
 received it with all imajiinable thankfulness, viewed it 
 with the most exquisite delight, and oftener than once 
 protested by his infallibility that he had never seen any 
 thing contrived with equal art, nor so suitably adiipted to 
 his aspiring principles. Transported with joy, he cried 
 out, "• O thou ingenious spirit! bless thee for thy assist- 
 ance! This precious medal will exalt my name above all 
 that is called Godj all the European princes will now be- 
 come my vassals, and the adorers of my priestly majesty. 
 Bui, to complete the work, I pray thee, good Fastosus, 
 thifik of some suitable device for me, by which I may bind 
 all the various ranks of the clergy to my interest; for I 
 shall never dare to show my miraculous medal, nor di- 
 vulge the delightful inscriptions on it, unless 1 have some- 
 thing of the like nature to present to their reverences; 
 for this alone will excite them to favour the cheat. As 
 for laymen, the scum of nature, I regard not them. They 
 are a-ses, upon whom we shall ride with pleasure and 
 profit; and if at any time they ride restifi", we will tame 
 them with the rod of discipline, and so belabour them with 
 the cudgel of excommunication, that with gladness they 
 shall suDmit implicitly to our decisions. Could not the 
 great Fastosus strike me a variety of medals, of different 
 worth and designs, and lodge them safely in my posses- 
 sion, that I may have the sole distribution of them among- 
 my depending clergy; for unless they cleave as close to 
 
154 DIALOGUES 
 
 me, as the scales to the back of Leviathan, I shall never 
 be able to support mj pretensions to infallibility and 
 supremacy. 
 
 To which I replied, "Great priest, in order to bind 
 the clergy inviolably to your interest, let me advise 
 you to take care that your decisions be always in their 
 favour: place your own grandeur in the front of all 
 your proceedings, and let theirs immediately follow it.'' 
 Which advice the good man cordially embraced, and 
 ever since has invariably followed it with the utmost 
 precision. 
 
 From henceforth, continued I, T give you full power 
 and authority to preside over all those medals which I 
 haT3 already issued forth; and for the future, the dispo- 
 sal of them shall be at your holiness's pleasure. I will 
 moreover add to the number, and you shall have more 
 than sufficient to gain all the clergy to your party. But 
 observe, you must receive this power at the hand of great 
 Fastosus; for it is by me alone you can lord it over the 
 estates and consciences of men. The great prelate heard 
 with attention, and then rejoined, *' Mighty Fastosus, if 
 you will oblioje me in this, you may depend upon me and 
 all my successors as faithful subjects; implicitly obedient 
 servants to your highness, and your father Beelzebub. 
 Nor do I doubt but the rest of the priests, for the sake of 
 power, will be equally loyal to you, and implacable ene- 
 mies to Immanuel; therefore your kindnesses shall be 
 gratefully returned on our parts." 
 
 ''Very well, said I; but be sure that all your villany 
 be carried on under the sliow of sanctity, otherwise you 
 will do us but little service." 
 
 AvAuo. Then, sir, by what you say, it may be conclu- 
 ded, the hoary prelate at Rome is very sensible that he 
 is Beelzebub's agent, and that all his pretensions, beyond 
 those of the lowest pastor are an imposition. 
 
 Fastosus. Y^es, Avaro, he knows it very well, and 
 that makes him the more like unto us. Indeed the 
 cheat is so palpable, that any one who has read his 
 Bible with attention must needs see through it. But 
 by these proceedings, I soon found I had cut out a 
 great deal of w^ork for myself, so that I was obliged 
 to be doubly diligent. However, my sole delight be- 
 ing to promote the works of darkness, I soon struck 
 
OF DEVILS. 155 
 
 off seventy new medals, inscribed Cardixalis. These 
 I presented to his holiness, who examined them with 
 great attention, and was highly pleased with the inge- 
 nious device. 
 
 "Most noble spirit, said he to me, these medals, I per- 
 ceive, will raise the gentlemen who receive them next in 
 dignity to myself, and they will be the first and most able 
 to support the see of Rome." You must needs know, my 
 friends, that this prediction has been fully accomplished. 
 For in all ages, since the cardinals have received their me- 
 dals, they have been truly indefatigable in establishing the 
 power and supremacy of the Pope. His holiness and 
 they being so intimately connected, that they must stand 
 or fall together. 
 
 In the next place, I struck off a considerable number, 
 somewhat inferior to the former, distinguished by a Mi- 
 tre on one side, and on the other by the inscription Ar- 
 cHiEPiscopus; which, in like manner, I presented to the 
 father of the world, much to his satisfaction. These, 
 said he, shall fix the class next to the former, and I doubt 
 not but every one of them will be suiiiciently obsequi- 
 ous, in expectation of a cardinal's hat. The archbish- 
 ops being thus disposed of, I took all the diocesan me- 
 dals which I had formerly produced, and put them un- 
 der the care and disposal of the prelate; and he was pleas- 
 ed to assign them to those who were next in place to the 
 archbishops, each one in humble expectation of higher 
 preferment. 
 
 AvARo. Hah, uncle! was it you that made those titles, 
 ascribed to the various orders of the clergy? 
 
 Fastosus. Was it I, do you ask? Yes, it was I in- 
 deed! AVho ever read in the New Testament, any 
 thing at all about a supreme bishop, or about cardinals, 
 and lord bishops? I made them all, I assure you, nephew; 
 though I will not affirm that every person who has borne 
 these names, has been absolutely under the dominion of 
 pride. 
 
 To my great honour I speak it, Avaro, I ceased not 
 when I had made their lordships the diocesans, but went 
 on with my trade, until I had procured curious me- 
 dals for a very great number of abbots, swarms of 
 monks and friars, jesuists, franciscan and dominicaa 
 friars, with a long train of et ceteras, who soon appear- 
 
156 DIALOGUES 
 
 ed in shoals, as numerous as locusts when thej ascend 
 out of the bottomless pit. Then follovved the bare-head- 
 ed capuchins, mendicants, penitents, pilgrims, &c. with- 
 out number. Those religious gentry owe all their digni- 
 ty to me, unless it may be that Avaro has some little hand 
 in the matter. 
 
 Avaro. You dome great honour, sir, in mentioning me 
 as a worker together with you. 
 
 Fastosus. After all this, the subtile priest thought 
 that the antichristian hierarchy of Rome could not stand 
 upon a foundation solid enough, unless all, or at least 
 some of the princes of Europe were invested with ec- 
 clesiastical titles, and so adopted into the new-model- 
 led church. Ttierefore, I toUl his holiness, that 1 had 
 three highly finished medals by me, ready prepared, fit- 
 ting fur roval personages. Here, said 1, is one inscrib- 
 ed Rex Catholicus; let it be presented to your servant 
 his mnjesty of Spain. This second medal, inscribed 
 Rex Christianissimus, will be an acceptable present to 
 your vassal, the French king; and this third, inscribed 
 Rex Fidelissimus, I advise you to bestow upon the little 
 monarch of Portugal. His huary holiness, with raptures 
 replied, '' Very good, m.ost noble Fastosus; this device 
 will doubtless secure all these three princes, as so many 
 pillars, to support my infallibility. But what of the king 
 of England, sir.'* I dread those islanders. Is there no 
 medallion charm, by which that invincible prince can be 
 secured to our interest? I pray you, good Fastosus, lend 
 me an hand in this." 
 
 I shall endeavour to serve y6ur holiness, replied I, and 
 then he withdrew. Soon after I presented him with a 
 medal suited to his wish. It bore the inscription. Defen- 
 sor Fide, and was given to the monarch of England; but, 
 alas! it has not answered our expectations; for this same 
 monarch, instead of defending the orthodox faith of Rome, 
 was the first crowned head that protested against the su- 
 premacy of the Italian bishop. 
 
 AvARo. It is somewhat droll, that the king of England, 
 having shaken oft* the yoke of Rome, should still keep 
 possession of the medal, which his predecessors received 
 as a present from the pope. One would think that when 
 the pope himself was renounced, in strict justice, all his 
 gifts should have been restored, and the title, Defender of 
 
OF DEVILS. 157 
 
 the Faith, have been by a protestant prince rejected 
 amongst the rest of Romish trumpery; but wonders never 
 cease. Did you finish here, sir? 
 
 Fastosus. No, Avaro, I assure you, many titles be- 
 sides these were first issued from my office, such as 
 his grace, a title claimed by many a graceless duke, as 
 well as antichristian priest. His lordship, a title by 
 which many a profane nobleman and irreligious bishop 
 are distinguished. His honour claimed by many who 
 never felt one desire after true honour. \Vhen a gen- 
 tleman's honour depends merely upon his estate, table 
 and equipage, such a title as his honour, very ill be- 
 comes him, yet many such there are who claim the ap- 
 pellation. 
 
 AvARo. If high birth, and an ample fortune, do not en- 
 title a man to his honour, I pray you what will? 
 
 Fastosus. An honourable conduct, Avaro, without 
 which he is only a clown in disguise. And many such 
 fools you may find wrapped in scarlet and lace, with 
 swords dangling by their sides. 
 
 Impiator. I beg leave to observe, that according to 
 modern maxims in my country, he is esteemed a man of 
 honour, who can imitate the popish priests in scorning 
 wedlock, and frequenting the company of lewd women. 
 He who is a stranger to every delicate and chaste senti- 
 ment; who scorns religion, disregards morality, and 
 thinks it beneath his dignity to keep any of the commands 
 of God; or even for a moment to reflect that there is an 
 hereafter. It would be difficult to persuade some people, 
 that the British senate is too much composed of such men 
 of honour as these. I should be glad, sir, to hear your 
 opinion of a man of honour more at large, for I know that 
 you are wise. 
 
 Fastosus. A gentleman of true honour, fails not to 
 improve his estate, be it great or small, to the best 
 advantage; for he is neither indolent nor extravagant. 
 His increasing revenues are not heaped up for adora- 
 tion, nor laid by as useless lumber, but applied to 
 clothe the naked back, and refresh the empty belly. 
 His principal care is not how he may aggrandize his 
 family, but how he may best serve his king and coun- 
 try; for he lives not to himself, but to the public good. 
 He adheres to strict truth, is an utter stranger to im- 
 14 
 
158 DIALOGUES 
 
 pertinent railery, ancT perfectly detests the voice of slan- 
 der, la his civil affairs, he does the same things to su- 
 periors, inferiors, and equals, which he would wish 
 others in like circumstances to do for himself. If at 
 any time he is so unhappy as to give his neighbour just 
 cause of offence, he is free and open in confessing his er- 
 ror, and ready to retrieve it to the utmost of his power. 
 The title of his honour is well-becoming such a man as 
 this, whether his estate is great or small, his birth illus- 
 trious or obscure. But mercenary statesmen, plunder- 
 ers of the public, ill deserve the titles with which they 
 are distinguished. Happy might it be for Britain, if she 
 could always procure officers for every department in 
 government, who would prefer the welfare of the cation 
 to their own personal and domestic emolument. And 
 this every man of true honour will be sure perpetually to 
 do. 
 
 AvARO. Then, uncle, I am inclined to think that men 
 of honour are not quite so plenty as some people have 
 imagined. 
 
 Fastosus. I am sorry to say it, Avaro, but, bad as 
 the world is, there are still many to be found, who, wiih 
 propriety, may be called men of honour; But it is well 
 for us they are mostly of obscure character. They can- 
 not act the cringing knave, and vilely flatter their supe- 
 riors, in order to gain preferment Their countenances, 
 adorned with comely modesty, cannot contend with the 
 impudence of fuols and rogues, therefore continue ob- 
 scure when the most wortidess are exalted. But if a tru- 
 ly honourable man should, by any miracle, ascend to an 
 eminent station, and be entrusted with public concerns, 
 his country is sure to find a nursing father, and not an 
 accursed step-dame in him, as is otten the case with other 
 governors. 
 
 There is, likewise, his reverence the parson, a ti- 
 tle ascribed to many men, who lead very irreverend 
 lives. 
 
 AvABO. True, sir; but it is the vulgar opinion, that 
 the reverence of the parson does not depend upon his mo- 
 ral conduct, but upon his investiture, received from the 
 Uand of tlie bishop. 
 
 Fasiosus. 1 know it, Avaro; but it is a prevailing mis- 
 sake, ioiposition of the haods, even of an apostle, coul4 
 
OF DEVILS. 159 
 
 never make anj man reverend, whose doctrine is hetero- 
 dox, or whose convej-sation is immoral: otherwise our 
 friend Simon of Samaria might have been numbered 
 among their reverences. Indeed, Avaro, were any man 
 hardy enough to attempt it, I know of no subject more 
 proper for satire than the pretended reverence of the par- 
 sons. But he must be daring, indeed, who would set 
 himself to oppose the orthodox priests of the day, for that 
 would be thought by many the very same as to oppose 
 God Almighty himself, and every body would cry atheist 
 at him. 
 
 AvARo. Pray, sir, what is your opinion of reverence, 
 and to whom, may the epithet of reverend consistently be 
 given? 
 
 Fastosus. To very few of the leaders of any denomi- 
 nation, Avaro; and yet, perhaps, to some few of every 
 denomination among protestants. 1 hate them, cousin, 
 and could not bear to talk of them were it not to oblige 
 you; for they are avowed enemies to our administration, 
 as you will see by the description of them. For he is a 
 reverend minister, whether he was educated at Oxford or 
 Aberdeen, who makes not gold but the glory of Immanu- 
 el, and the welfare of immortal souls, the first end of his 
 labours. Who is assiduous in his study, fervent in his 
 ministry, and has a paternal affection for his people. — 
 Who studies not how to please the great, or to gain the 
 esteem of the staring multitude, but to approve himself 
 to God and the consciences of men, not shunning to de- 
 clare the whole counsel of God, without any mixture of 
 the inventions or traditions of men. 
 
 You may follow this man from the church to the mar 
 ket, from the pulpit into his family, and find him all of a 
 piece. His whole conduct is one chain of uniformity. 
 But it is not every gownsman, either papal or protestant, 
 nor even every dissenting minister, whom this descrip- 
 tion suits. Some there are, and who can deny it, who 
 are haughty and overbearing in their spirits; indolent in 
 study; cool and lifeless in their ministry; thoughtless 
 and unconcerned about the real welfare of their peo- 
 ple. Yea, some are so wretchedly lazy, or so much 
 taken up with idle and vain amusements, that it is 
 with diinculty they can bring forth, opce a week, an 
 oration, fifteen or twenty minutes long; and that scan- 
 
160 DIALOGUES 
 
 ty production, perhaps, when it is exhibited proves no 
 more than a lecture on moral philosophy; or it may 
 be a libel against some different party or denomina- 
 tion of Christians. You may follow some of them from 
 the church to their families and be fully convinced that 
 they are divines only in name. They neglect in their 
 families the very duties which they recommend to others. 
 And what is still more, connive at the same vices in their 
 families, which they expose and condemn in the pulpit. 
 But, after all, they have the care of souls, and are the 
 venerable and reverend clergy, in the same manner as 
 the pope is the head of the church: I mean by craft and 
 usurpation. 
 
 AvARo. I have got a noble company of these same 
 parsons in my corporation of Avarice, whose business 
 it is to vend wind in order to obtain wealth. A com- 
 pany confined to no one denomination, but made up of 
 all. Every one of this company has got his own system 
 of priestcraft, but all are intent upon the main point, 
 viz. to get as much wealth by his craft as possible. In- 
 deed the mother church of Rome very far outstrips the 
 rest, for she may lawfully boast that her clergy, to a man* 
 are the stedfast worshippers of the god Avaro, their great 
 benefactor. 
 
 However, the protestants, both Calvinists and Luthe- 
 rans, all who are freemen, in the company of avarice, 
 keep as near as possible to the orthodox priests of Rome, 
 in making a lucrative trade of what they call the gospel. 
 And however they differ about what is, and what is not, 
 gospel, they see eye to eye in regard to making profit 
 of it, and turning the altar of the Lord to their own emol- 
 ument. 
 
 IxFiDELis. How should it be otherwise, my son, seeing 
 there are in some places manufactories, on purpose for 
 making parsons? 
 
 Fastosus. So I have heard, brother, with this addition^ 
 that the making of parsons is reckoned both a lucrative, 
 and honourable employment, not unworthy of my own 
 patronage. But, between you and me, the parson ma- 
 kers are grievously disappointed frequently, however lit- 
 tle they are sensible of it: For when they put their ma- 
 terials into the refining furnace, they hope to see at the 
 end of the process, a bright and shining minister of Jesus 
 
OF DEVILS. 161 
 
 Christ come forth: But lol a learned calf is produced, 
 and a fervent adorer of the god Avaro. 
 
 Infidelis. It cannot be otherwise; for, to our grief I 
 speak it, the unalterable Immanuel hath reserved to him- 
 self the wisdom, power, and prerogative, to make minis- 
 ters of the gospel; and if men, like Jannes and Jambres, 
 will take upon them to imitate the immutable works of 
 the Almightj they may be permitted to make things 
 which may, for a time, be mistaken for gospel ministers, 
 even as those magicians performed miracles by divine 
 permission. 
 
 Impiator. So then, gentlemen, I perceive your opin- 
 ion is, that learning the languages and sciences unfits a 
 man for being a gospel minister. 
 
 Fastosus. No, Impiator, no such thin2:. or the gift of 
 tongues had not been given at the feast of Pentecost: But 
 it may be averred, that if a man has no more learning 
 than the most learned university can give him, he cannot 
 possibly be a minister of Jesus Christ. It is resting in 
 these things as the only qualifications, we think proper to, 
 laugh at, Impiator. 
 
 AvARO. Among those mercenary orators, there are 
 those we call the .Tumblers. They are such who study 
 not their sermons from the scriptuie, but compile them 
 from the vvritings of other men. Being destitute of judg- 
 ment to direct them in their compilations, they are oblig- 
 ed to rely implicitly on the sentiments of their authors. 
 So it comes to pass, that they contradict on one Sabbath 
 what they asserted and half proved the day before, merely 
 because they happened to stumble on authors of different 
 sentiments. Bist, alai-! poor men, what shall they do? 
 It is their trade; they know not hew to get a living with- 
 out it; they cannot dig, and to beg they are ashamed:— 
 therefore are under a necessity of jumbling forward, in 
 the best manner they can. Of late years, indeed, this 
 jumbling tribe have hit on a more happy method of man- 
 agement, by which they both save their reputation and 
 laborious study. Amongst learned men, there have al- 
 ways been some few of genius and industry, who have 
 found means to turn the dullness and indolence of their 
 brethren to their own emolument. They compose ser- 
 mons, print and sell them to the others, who pay first a 
 good price for tkeio, then preach them, that is to sav, 
 14* 
 
162 DIALOGUES 
 
 read them to their several congregations. Enfield's, and 
 Webb's, and Trusler's sermons, have been of great use 
 to many a dull and lazy clergyman. 
 
 Fastosus. How is this, Avaro? You speak of the par- 
 sons as if they were at best but learned fools. How is it 
 possible they should be so highly revered by the people 
 if they were such? 
 
 AvARo. I speak but of some of them, uncle; and to 
 make good what I say, I can tell you that it is not the 
 man, whom the ignorant populace revere, so much as the 
 gown, cassock, and band; and these they would revere if 
 they were seen upon an ass, provided always, his ears 
 were hid with a bush of well-powdered hair. I assure 
 you, gentlemen, amongst the intelligent laity, it is deem- 
 ed a maxim, that any blockhead will do very well for a 
 parson, if he has but friends to recommend him to a liv- 
 ing: As a proof of this I shall tell you a short story. — 
 There is one Mr. Provident, a merchant in London, who 
 hath four sons at the grammar-school, under the direction 
 of a learned gentleman of excellent sense. It was lately 
 Mr. Provident made a visit to his sons and their tutor, 
 when he took occasion to ask Mr. Teachum's advice, in 
 regard to his disposal of them. 
 
 To which the schoolmaster replied. " Sir, I have often, 
 with pleasure, observed a penetrating judgment, solid 
 understanding, and an inviolable attachment to truth, en- 
 nobled with the generous principles of true benevolence 
 in your eldest son. These qualities, sir, are excellently 
 adapted to the mercantile life. I would therefore advise 
 you to train him up to your own business. Your second 
 son. Master Thomas, hath genius sufficient for any busi- 
 ness; but I hope, sir, you will excuse me, if I tell you 
 that I have discerned one thing in him, which, in my 
 judgment, unfits him for the capacity of a merchant. As 
 I know, sir, you would have me to speak freely, you will 
 notbeoftended with me, if I tell you that it is a selfish- 
 ness and contractedness of spirit, together with a violent 
 propensity to lying and equivocation. If he were my 
 son, sir, I would bring him up to the law, in which he 
 will very likely make a conspicuous figure. Your young- 
 est son, Master James, has, if I mistake not, along with a 
 very considerable degree of dulness, a heart that is a 
 stranger to sympathetic feelings; but possesseth geniu* 
 
OF DEVILS. 165 
 
 sufficient for a physician. I would point out the roval 
 college for his residence." 
 
 Here Mr. Provident, the merchant, interrupted him, 
 and said, *' Sir, you have given your opinion of the two 
 eldest, and the youngest,* but you say nothing of Harry, 
 my third son. I pray, what do you say of him?*' To 
 which the teacher, with a blush, replied, '• If it is agree- 
 able, sir, I would advise you to make him a clergyman.*' 
 To this the father, with a mixture of grief and anger, re- 
 plied, " What, sir, do you think he hath crenius sufficient 
 for nothing else?" " I am afraid not, said the masterj but 
 you can easily niake friends with my lord bishop, and 
 procure him a considerable benefice. Take this step, sir, 
 and his lack of genius will scarcely be known, as he may 
 preach and administer the offices of the church by proxy, 
 which you know is very gentleman-like." 
 
 Infidelis. And do you really think, Avaro, that it is 
 want of abilities to preach that causeth so many vicars to 
 keep journeymen to do their work for them? 
 
 AvARO. With some, sir, want of abilities is the princi- 
 pal cause, and with the rest, an utter aversion to the work; 
 though, by the way. they once professed to be drawn to 
 it by no less an influence than that of the Holy Ghost: 
 But that was when a benefice was the object of their pur- 
 suit, and therefore not to be regarded after their end is 
 obtained. 
 
 Fastosus. Cousin Avaro, here I believe we must stop, 
 as we have certainly overstaid our time. I hold it good 
 therefore that we depart, and meet here at the usual time 
 to-morrow. Business, you know, must not be neglected. 
 Adieu, my kinsmen. 
 
164 DIALOGUES 
 
 DIALOGUE Xir. 
 
 ALL THE DL\LOGEANS PRESENT. 
 
 Fastosus. Well, gentlemen, I hope no idleness has 
 attended any of our fraternity since last meeting. I 
 went directly from you to assist a London jeweller in 
 forming a set of ear-rings and pendants upon a new con- 
 ttruction. I made him sensible of the most elegant plan, 
 enjoined him to pursue it, give the praise to his patroa 
 Fastosus, and so I left him. 
 
 Impiator. I pray you, sir, what is the real use of ear- 
 rings? For my part, I have never been able to apprehend 
 it, unless it is to save a small matter of gold against a day 
 of penury. 
 
 Fastosus. They are of no use at all to the wearer, 
 Impiator, though they help the goldsmith and lapidary 
 not a little; but they are of excellent use to our govern- 
 ment. You know the boring of the ear always was, and 
 now is, an emblem of servitude. Yea, it is an incon- 
 trovertible point that the act of boring, and suifering the 
 ear to be borud, is a tokea of subjection to the infernal 
 monarch. 
 
 Impiator. Ah, sir, how violently the spleen would 
 rage among the ladies, were they to know what you say 
 of them. 
 
 Fastosus. And let it rage, cousin. What is that to 
 me.^ — The ladies are too much in love with courtly Fas- 
 tosus to banish me from among them, even in their spleen- 
 ish fits. — But to explain the doctrine of ear-rings, be it 
 observed, that the crafty Beelzebub hath an invisible chaia 
 fixed to the ear-rin2;, by which he leads the wearers a wild- 
 goose chase throiii!;h all the vanities of the times. No 
 sooner does the sable governor tug a lady by the ear, than 
 ghe feels an impulse upon her heart, which directs her to 
 the play-house. Opera, Vauxhall, Sadler's Wells, or else- 
 where; but very seldom to the church. If at any time, 
 for the sake of company, she takes her pleasure at church, 
 the great deceiver keeps such a giagling of the chain ia 
 
OF DEVILS. 165 
 
 her ear, that she cannot attend to one word of the service; 
 by these means the Park, the Mall, the play-house, and 
 the church are, in effect, the same thing to many ladies 
 of fashion. 
 
 AvARo. And are all who wear rings in their ears 
 to be looked upon as slaves to the great Beelzebub, 
 uncle? 
 
 Fastosus. No, Avaro, not all; for the invincible Im- 
 manuel hath broken the chains and loosened the bands of 
 servitude from many. Nevertheless, they still wear the 
 rings in their ears, to testify what they have been. And 
 what news from your friends, Avaro? 
 
 AvARo. Very little, sir; only that diligence, frugality, 
 and good husbandry, go on as usual. All heads plodding, 
 and all hands active to get and to save; for getting and 
 saving is all the cry with them. I had a little matter to 
 attend to last night at the Swan tavern, where there was a 
 very respectable meeting of manufacturers, by whom some 
 few things, tending to promote emolument, were consider- 
 ed. The first consultation was, " How they might con- 
 veniently lessen the quality of their goods, that their profit 
 might be somewhat advanced." In order to this, a plan 
 was proposed by Mr. Dolus, a very great tradesman, 
 which was unanimously agreed to by the rest. The se- 
 cond thing was, to settle the prices, and come into mu- 
 tual engagements, that no one should undersell his bre- 
 thren; which, after some slight altercation, was as unani- 
 mously settled. You must know, mankind are not satis- 
 fied vvitli being oppressed by infernal tyranny, but, to 
 add to the devil's work, are got into the happy way of 
 joining in combinations to oppress and devour one ano- 
 ther. Nor is this practice peculiar to any one set of men, 
 but is common with dealers of every kind and denomina- 
 tion, from the opulent farmer to the dealers in coal and 
 candles. 
 
 When this was done, a question was put, How they 
 should finish a certain quantity of goods against a certain 
 day, then proposed? For it seems they have large orders 
 at present. To which one of them said, he thought it 
 necessary to advance the journeymen's wages, in order to 
 encourage their diligence. But this gentleman's motion 
 was unanimously rejected, as an unprofitable way of pro- 
 ceeding, very ill suited to the growing demands of their 
 
166 DIALOGUES 
 
 sereral families. It was then proposed that a small pre- 
 mium should be given to every workman who should finish 
 a certain quantity of goods in a limited time, then and 
 there to be stipulated. But this also was objected to, it 
 being alleged that some metliod might be found that v/ould 
 produce the desired end, and yet save all those unneces- 
 sary premiums, which, if given, would introduce a very- 
 bad custom. 
 
 At last an old gentleman, whose hoary locks shone a3 
 silver from under his weather-beaten wig, arose and most 
 judiciously addressed his brethren in the following man- 
 ner: " Gentlemen, you all know that such is the indo- 
 lent disposition of journeymen, that, in general, let their 
 wages be ever so good, they have no notion of obtaining 
 more than will procure them a bare maintenance through 
 the week, and a few quarts of strong beer on Saturday 
 night and Sunday. Therefore, to advance their wages is 
 the certain way to have them work less than they do at 
 present; but let us lessen their wages in proportion to 
 our extraordinary call for goods; for by how much the 
 more we drop the prices of workmanship, by so much the 
 more vvork shall we have done. A l?are living they must 
 have, let the prices be ever so low; and but a bare liv- 
 ing they will have, if they are ever so high. If we ad- 
 vance the price they work less, and if we drop it they 
 will, they mubt, work more. I say then let us drop tha 
 prices." 
 
 The old gentleman's advice was cordially embraced by 
 them all, and every one blessed the sagacity of the old 
 fox, now grown grey in wisdom. And this day, or to- 
 morrow, the journeyman's wages are to be lessened ac- 
 cordingly. 
 
 Fastosus. In the close of our last interview I was 
 going to observe, that my prevalency is great amongst the 
 nobility and gentry. By my indefatigable industry, the 
 greater part of them are rendered altogether insensible of 
 Sieir origin, so that they look down upon their inCeriori 
 as a set of despicable creatures, of a species very diiferent 
 from themselves; not considering that my lord Superbo 
 and poor Lazar Askalms are by nature brethren, formed 
 of the same materials, and conceived in the womb of the 
 iame earth. 
 
 AvAKo. Yet, sir, if my observations are just, I think 
 
OF DEVILS. 167 
 
 ther have some kind of an imperfect notion that ther 
 were originally formed of the earth; but as one part of 
 the substance of the earth is esteemed much more precious 
 and valuable than another, perhaps the people of fashion 
 have the happiness of being formed of the more rich and 
 esteemed particles, and the rest of mankind have the in- 
 felicity of deriving their beings from vulgar day. This is 
 the more likely, as there is a manifest difference between 
 their constitutions and those of people in the lower spheres 
 of life: the first being brittle and feeble, the latter more 
 robust and healthy. 
 
 Fastosus. That is false philosophy, Avaro. The brit- 
 tleaess you speak of does not proceed from any defect in 
 the natural constitution of their frame, nor from any rot- 
 tenness in the materials of which they are made, but hath 
 its cause from themselves. Many of them, in their in- 
 fancy, are nearly starved, from an infamous notion that 
 enough of wholesome food is injurious to them:* And 
 you will commonly find that the food which yields the 
 most healthful aliment is withheld from them, at the in- 
 stance of Dr. Scrawl, the family physician. This same 
 gentleman has not so little sense under his great wig as 
 not to know that his own personal emolument is inti- 
 mately connected with the weak constitutions of people 
 of quality, especially the ladies. By his many years study 
 of physic he has proved to a demonstration, that if the 
 young gentry were suffered to eat enough of wholesome 
 food, like the farmers' children, his business would not 
 be worth following. 
 
 AvARo. I know it well: For there is one of my disci- 
 ples, a certain physician, eminent in practice, who hath 
 acquired a genteel fortune by prescription, and who, if 
 he H fndisposed himself, will not suffer an apothecary ^s 
 drug to pass his gullet; a plain indication that he knows 
 it to be hurtful. I have often thought, a good constitu- 
 tion put into the hand of a doctor is like a good causa 
 
 * Some learned physicians, those celebrated defrauders of the 
 pave, have found out that bread itself, which has been esteemed the 
 rtafF of life in all ages, is at last become dangerous to the constitu- 
 tion, and therefore to be used with caution by all sorts of people, 
 especially such as are best able to fee the doctor in case of personal 
 indisposition. As for the poor, it is less matter what they eat, M 
 the faculty can reap but little advantage from their sickneu. 
 
168 DIALOGUES 
 
 put into the hands of the lawyers; it gets worse with 
 deceitful handling. When a man is, by the force of 
 medicine, fairly got down, the skilful physician knows 
 very well how to hold him betwixt life and death as 
 long as possible; until at last he dies by inches of that 
 prevailing distemper which kills so many people of 
 fashion. 
 
 Fastosus. True, Avaro. But farther to prove the 
 gentry the causers of their own infirmity, I would ob- 
 serve, that what, in infancy, penury and want leave of 
 the constitution unconsumed, luxury and idleness well 
 nigh finish in youth; so that when the lady comes to em- 
 brace a husband, the one half of her remaining days are 
 spent under the hand of the doctor, and the other half in 
 pleasure and dissipation. As for the young gentlemen, 
 before the boyish down on their faces is able to resist 
 the razor, they have commonly contracted such loath- 
 gome disorders, as render them more fit for an infirmary 
 than for the marriage bed, and have more need of a sur- 
 geon than a wife. Thus, Avaro, you may see by what 
 means tlie constitutions of the gentry are so frequently 
 enfeebled. 
 
 That they are formed of the same materials with their 
 inferiors will appear, when you consider that there were 
 none either noble or ignoble in the original state of man- 
 kind; all were on a common level; but when we had made 
 a conquest of them, it became necessary for the Almighty 
 to dissolve the original equality, that the world might be 
 rendered in some measure tolerable to all, amidst the 
 confusion and disorder which our dominion over them 
 had introduced. — For if people cry out that the world 
 is bad now, it is certain it would be infinitely worse 
 were superiority and inferiority utterly abolished. More* 
 over, the Almighty, to manifest the equity of his pro- 
 cedure, has so ordered it, that the system of superiority 
 and inferiority is perpetually upon the change. You may 
 find some persons now asking alms from place to place 
 who are descended from princes and nobles; and others 
 in the most exalted stations who had their descent from 
 yery beggars. 
 
 Infidelis. Aye, brother, that very consideration, ta 
 urge no more, if duly attended to, would prevent the 
 contempt which people of elevated ranl^ are apt to let 
 
OF DEVILS. 169 
 
 fall on their inferiors. But let them go on until the 
 grand leveller, Death, approach. He spares neither rich 
 nor poor, noble nor ignoble. Samael knows no distinc- 
 tion, cannot be bribed like temporal judges, admits of no 
 excuses, and is an utter stranger to pity. At prince, at 
 peasa'nt, at the noble earl and his servile groom, at the 
 dame of honour and the scorched cook-maid, he aims 
 alike his unerring shaft, and brings all again to the dust, 
 from whence they were taken, to rot in their original 
 equality. 
 
 Fastosus. There is another race, which we distinguish 
 by the name of mongrels, with whom 1 am deeply con- 
 cerned. This generation of half-bred gentry includes 
 tradesmen, the gentlemen of the law and of the faculty, 
 together with the farmers. These gentry consider them- 
 selves pretty near, if not altogether, on a level with the 
 country 'squire, and therefore aftect the manners of 
 their superiors as much as possible. They are gentle- 
 men, their wives are ladies and madams, their children 
 masters and misses. Hundreds of such gentlemen and 
 ladies have I known, uho could not boast that any of 
 their ancestors, back to the tenth generation, were pro- 
 prietors of so much as a cottage with a cabbage. Yet 
 they imperiously assume a title of address equal to that 
 of the queen's majesty; and no labourer or mechanic 
 must dare to approach them without a sir or madam in his 
 mouth. 
 
 IxFiDELis. I have sometimes thought those ladies you 
 speak of are either ashamed of their given names, or hold 
 them too sacred for the profane mouths of servants and 
 vulgar creatures; and indeed he would be deemed the 
 most unmannerly wretch that ever trod upon English 
 ground who should say that Sarah Allgood is his mistress; 
 for Sarah must give place to madam, and she is now ma- 
 dam Allgood, the shopkeeper's lady; and it would be more 
 than her place is v/orth for a servant to name her mistress 
 in terms less respectable. 
 
 AvARo. Excuse me, gentlemen, you know I love to be 
 concerting schemes of profit, and here is one ready pro- 
 jected, which, if faithfully executed, would either fill the 
 exchequer, or make a distinction betwixt persons of real 
 quality and tlieir apes in middle life. 
 15 
 
170 DIALOGUES 
 
 Fastosus. What is your scheme, cousin? Let us hear 
 it, if feasible. 
 
 AvARO. I would advise the nobility, gentry, &.c. never 
 to go to a horse-course, cock-pit, or play-house; not to 
 go to Bath nor a bawdy-house; that is to say, never to 
 rest until they have procured a bill, in which it shall bo 
 enacted, that every man shall pay the sum of ten pounds 
 sterling per annum who suffers his wife to assume the 
 name of madam. I would likewise have a tax of half 
 the value laid upon every young master and miss, the 
 farmers, apothecaries, attornies, and tradesmen's chil- 
 dred, unless the husband or father can make it appear 
 that his annual rent, clear of all incumbrance, is not 
 less than four hundred pounds; if so much, or upwards, 
 he should stand exempt from any such penalty, and 
 enjoy the fiee use of such names of quality in his 
 family. 
 
 Infidelis. Although it is quite foreign to my purpose 
 to dictate any thing to mankind which may be of service 
 to them, I am free among ourselves to say that my son'a 
 scheme is well concerted, and might answer valuable 
 purposes, were it carried into execution. The numer- 
 ous bankruptcies, which make trade so precarious in 
 England, have their spring in this fatal imitation of 
 people of quality, so prevalent among tradesmen. — 
 Could this so very pernicious practice by any means 
 be suppressed, the industrious merchant and manufac- 
 turer would meet with fewer losses by their retailing 
 customers. 
 
 To your scheme, however, I would add another tax, 
 equally necessary, and that is, upon every play-house, 
 assembly-room, and place of pleasurable resort. One 
 fifth, at least, of e\ ery ticket to Almack's, Ranelagh, every 
 play-house. Comely 's, Sadler's Wells, the Pantheon, and 
 every rout whatever, ought to be sacred to government. 
 Until this, or some such thing is done, it will be difficult 
 for the sensible English to believe that their gorernora 
 aim at any thing beyond their own emolument. As for 
 the tax upon (madam) it appears indispensably necessary, 
 and can admit of no delay. However, we interrupt yod, 
 Fastosus. 
 FASTOiua. I have a great deal of pleasure in stirring 
 
OF DEVILS. 171 
 
 up people to quarrel with their Maker, and to saj unto 
 him, ''Why hast thou made me thus? I love not the 
 station thou hast placed me inj I have got parts to qualify 
 me for a better than this in which thou hast placed me; 
 therefore I am not dealt with according to mj merit." 
 The poor labourer, who, by the way, is the most happy 
 and contented of his species, is not altogether pleased 
 because he was not born a gentleman, and heir to a good 
 estate. The 'squire and his lady are almost mad with 
 anger because they were not descended of noble ances- 
 tors. The nobleman himself takes it very unkind that 
 he was not born to govern a kingdom. He that is born 
 heir to a crown hath two things at which he is much of- 
 fended: First, because the Almighty is so long in taking 
 the father to himself, to facilitate his own accession to the 
 throne: Secondly, he is not well pleased, because it is a 
 regal, and not an imperial crown, to which he is born heir. 
 As for the man who is born to imperial dignity, he is 
 angry because he is not appointed lord of the whole 
 world. And one, you know, who, having obtained the 
 sway of the whole world, was angry with God because 
 he had not made two worlds for him to govern; even so 
 angry, that he is said to have cried again. Thus, in all 
 ranks and degrees of life, I make people quarrel with 
 their Maker. 
 
 Infidelis. I have often heard it remarked, by our in- 
 fernal sages, that if the ambitious mind were to obtain 
 what it is now in pursuit of, true contentment vrould be 
 as far different as ever; and an Alexander, v.ho covets a 
 second world to ravage, could he get that, would want a 
 third, after that a fourth, and so on, until he had plun- 
 dered the many millions of worlds which God hath made. 
 Even then, were such a thing possible, his ambition 
 would be as insatiable as ever, and his last eflbrt would 
 be the same as that of father Beelzebub's; I mean, he 
 would attempt to plunder the eternal throne itself. 
 Thus they allege that the lowest degree of ambition and 
 discontent in man, if the Almighty were continually to 
 gratify it, would ascend to the most daring attempt of 
 which the infernal monarch himself is capable. After 
 all, 1 have observed that the greater part of people are 
 80 far from deeming ambition to be criminal, that they 
 
172 DIALOGUES 
 
 think a spice of it is indispensably necessary to a man 
 of honour. 
 
 Fastosus. I know it, brother; but that is a striking 
 proof of the blindness to which we have reduced the>n. 
 Ambition, discontent, &c. reigning in any person, are in- 
 fallible symptoms of a heart totally depraved, and alto- 
 gether under my inlkience. But let them go on to che- 
 rish an ambitious spirit, they will ilnd their mistake at 
 last. That judicious pagan, Epictetus, seems very capa- 
 ble of instructing many who are called Christians, and 
 who have the advantage of the Bible. Yes, Intidelis, you 
 and 1 both know that ambition is the very vice which ruin- 
 ed our black fraternity: But for it they would have been 
 in heaven to this day. 
 
 As some quarrel with their Maker on account of their 
 situation in life, I am equally successful in stirring up 
 others to take offence at the manner in which the Al- 
 mighty hath formed their bodies: As to their souls, they 
 do not regard them; indeed they seldom consider that 
 they have an immortal spirit belonging to them. If by 
 chance such a thought as that they have an immortal 
 soul should pass through their minds, it gives them no 
 concern in w hat position it is found, because they take it 
 for granted that nobody sees it. So very inconsiderate 
 and stupid are many, that one who understands the lan- 
 guage of hearts, provided he could delight in the voice of 
 discontent and murmuring, might meet with high enter- 
 tainment amongst our people. For, 
 
 One young lady says, 0! if the Almighty had made 
 mean inch and half higher, then my person would have 
 been abundantly more proper. Her neighbour is as ill 
 at ease, because she thinks the Creator has bestowed 
 superfluous labour upon her, in giving her a couple of 
 inches of redundant height, which she looks upon as a 
 very considerable deformity. Another says, Why d"i(l 
 he make me with round shoulders? Might he not as 
 ealsily have made them square? I am ashamed to go into 
 company, because I have not a handsome carriage of the 
 liead and neck. What the back board and girdle can do, 
 has been tried to press in the prominent os humeri; but 
 sad experience teaches, that she may as soon wash the 
 Ethiopian white, as make that even which the Almighty 
 
OF DEVILS. ir3 
 
 hath made crooked. Nor less afflicted is her kinswoman, 
 on account of the yellowness of her skin. 
 
 AvARo. 1 have heard several people of allowed know- 
 ledge modestly wish that all court ladies laboured under 
 the same misfortune the last unhappy gentlewoman does; 
 being persuaded that if it were so, naked breasts would 
 never more be brought into fashion, to the annoyance of 
 the gentlemen, and the scandal of the ladies: For you 
 know fashions are all born at court. 
 
 Fastosus. Not at the court of London, Avaro, but 
 Versailles: therefore it would indicate better sense in 
 your knowing people to wish the French ladies the abov« 
 misfortune. It is held an act of high treason against the 
 French for the English court to receive any fashion 
 which hath not had a certificate from Versailles. This 
 policy seems indeed very mysterious, when we consider 
 that the British heroes can so effectually drub the mon- 
 sieurs, as to make them cry peccccvi. and at the same time 
 the French ladies should have the English in such abso- 
 lute subjection. 
 
 It is impossible for any person to conceive the trouble 
 I have in preparing those ladies for the ball, or assembly, 
 or pantheon, and what art I am obliged to employ in 
 hiding their supposed defects and redundancies. The 
 lady who fancies her stature to be somev.hat too low, 
 obliges me to add to it the whole length of a super-tall 
 pair of wooden heels, and is extremely careful to set off 
 her little body to all advantage possible, so that every be- 
 holder must be struck with the perfect gentility of her 
 appearance. On the other hand, her neighbour, who is 
 over-tall, is as careful, on her part, to have the flattest 
 heels that can be worn, and is equally industrious in 
 decking to the best advantage the whole of her extrava- 
 gant height. 
 
 Nor hath their neighbour, who is affected with a dun, or 
 yellow skin, less trouble and anxiety of mind, besides her 
 great toil of body. The waste she makes of wash-balls, 
 and the best recommended cosmetics, together with her 
 own, and her servants' labour, in endeavouring to rub off 
 the native tinct, is not to be conceived. But, alas 1 it is 
 labour in vain. All the comfort v. hich remains for her is 
 derived from a black necklace, assisted by two or three 
 well disposed patches, which she hopes may, in some 
 lo * 
 
174 DIALOGUES 
 
 measure, overcloud the hated yellowness of the adjacent 
 parts. 
 
 So absolutely foolish are they, that I have some sub- 
 jects who say, '* Ah me, why were my ankles made so 
 strong and fleshy? that they had been slender and gen- 
 teel, then I should not have been thus dependent on the 
 mantuamaker for a covering for them." However, gen- 
 tlemen, were it not a rule established among the fair sex, 
 that ankles somewhat gross are altogether ungenteel, it 
 would puzzle a philosopher to determine how it is that 
 small feet and slender ankles come to have more virtue 
 and real worth in them than those that are otherwise. 
 But certainly it is deemed to be so; and those imperious 
 dames who have been favoured to their liking, do what 
 they can to mortify those who are less happy in their 
 pedestals. Against this disease there is no effectual re- 
 medy. Small sized shoes formerly gave them great hopes 
 of relief 5 but, alasl they generally made cripples of their 
 wearers. 
 
 Infideli?. I have always observed, that v;hen people 
 have applied to the artist, to have that mended which 
 they think the Almighty hath marred, the punishment is 
 connected with the crime, as a token of the just resent- 
 ment of a jealous God, who hath left none of his works 
 imperfect; and v/lio would have them all, as indeed 
 they ought to be, well esteemed. Hence come corns 
 upon the feet, and far greater unevenness in the sym- 
 metry of the body, than was before their application to 
 the mechanic. 
 
 Fastosus. Another of my disciples has got hair of a 
 madder red, and such is her folly, that it grieves her 
 beyond measure. But, with all my wisdom, I could 
 never find out the reason why red hair should be any- 
 more scandalous than yellow or flaxen locks: Or how it 
 is that scarlet is held to be such a courtly colour upon 
 broadcloth, and yet so scandalous for a lady to have her 
 head of scarlet colour. But the lady herself is so ap- 
 prehensive of the scandal, that she is obliged to ex- 
 change her native locks with a neighbouring barber 
 for a set of flaxen false curls. These, she flatters her- 
 self, will very well become the native fairness of her 
 skin. 
 
 Perhaps, indeed, to spare the natural crop, she may 
 
OF DEVILS. 175 
 
 blind the eyes of beholders with powder, which may help 
 to conceal the awful secret. The like expedient is used 
 by women of a coquettish disposition, when to their 
 great grief and inconsolable sorrow, thej first perceive 
 old age dying a whiteness upon their temples. In order 
 to prevent the world having any suspicion that she is 
 advanced in years, the coquette procures a defence 
 against the hoary hairsj and thus she keeps herself, 
 as much as possible, from the belief that she is grow- 
 ing old, until the detested wrinkles on her forehead be- 
 tray the fatal secret, and then she declines faster than 
 other women, because her grief gives swiftness to her 
 decay. Another lady is exceedingly grieved, every 
 time she looks in her glass, because, as she thinks, her 
 face is too much upon the fire to be deemed lovely; 
 but she comforts herself with the reflection that she 
 has good features, and the great artist, when he finish- 
 ed her, has left a dimple in her chin. On the other 
 hand, her cousin beholds a system of agreeable fea- 
 tures in her own countenance: But oh! the dejection 
 of her heart, on recollecting the paleness of her lips. 
 To supply the defects of nature in this, before she goes 
 abroad, she has recourse to her pencil and vermilion 
 shell. Thus she has some 'means of comfort within her 
 power; but her poor sister, who is seamed with the 
 small-pox, is quite inconsolable. If at any time she 
 expresses satisfaction it is in speaking of the former 
 agreeableness of her features, and fairness of her skin. 
 But alas I her joy is presently clouded with the melan- 
 choly consideration, they are forever gone. Some la- 
 dies are highly offended, because their hands are so big, 
 others that their fingers are too short; and now and 
 then you may meet with one who is dreadfully tor- 
 mented underneath a king Richard back; which is sure 
 to prove an intolerable burthen all the life of the unhap- 
 py woman. 
 
 Infidelis. Nothing more fully demonstrates our do- 
 minion in the hearts of mankind, than their being asham- 
 ed of their shapes and physiognomy; the supposed de- 
 formity of which, they could by no means have pre- 
 vented. Every degree of this kind of shame, is a tacit 
 reproach of the Creator, and therefore daringly impi- 
 ous. Many you may find, ashamed of the innocent de- 
 
176 DIALOGUES 
 
 fects of their outward frame, who are not in the least 
 ashamed of their vain lives and immoral conversations; 
 to rectify which ought to be their principal concern. 
 And were there but as much pains taken to rectify the 
 disorders of civil life, as there are to hide the supposed 
 defects and redundancies of the body, and to alter the 
 tincture of the skin, the world would be very ditfereat 
 from .what it is. But you take care to prevent that, Im- 
 piator. 
 
 DiscoRDAKS. One who has made mankind no part of 
 his study, would deem it impossible for rational beings 
 to be ashamed of, and concerned for innocent deformi- 
 ties of the body, -with which no person of common sense 
 will ever upbraid them, and which never can by any means 
 lessen the esteem of the judicious; (for v/ho can make 
 that straight wJiich the Almighty hath made crooked, or 
 white v/hich he hath made brown?) and at the same time 
 neglect the infinitely more valuable mind. 
 
 Lnfidklis. By your account, sir, your vassals have 
 2;ot a wrong notion of beauty, as by our long observation 
 it appears, we may sometimes see a great deal of beauty 
 in a person whose bodily parts no way tend to recom- 
 mend him. Real beauty lies in the constitution of the 
 mind and the proper use of its intellectual faculties: Eve- 
 ry thing else compared with this is like tinsel when com- 
 pared with the purest gold. 
 
 That person appears truly amiable, without external 
 comeliness, who can bear the lack of it with becom- 
 ing grace; and who, to make up for all outward de- 
 fects, is studious to embellish the immortal mind. 
 That is a part of man always capable of improve- 
 ment; but for the body, they may fret, murmur, and re- 
 pine at its defects as much as they will, they plainly 
 see it does not mend the matter; for who by taking thought 
 can add one cubit to his stature, or make one hair whi- 
 ter or blacker? 
 
 Fastosus. Such is my dominion now; nor was it less 
 in the more early ages. I made rude work in the tents 
 of Jacob, between his two wives and among his sons; and 
 by those means 1 greatly disturbed them whom I could not 
 destroy. 
 
 LwiDio. I have, until now been silent; bat beg leave 
 to observe, that I think our labour is far from being lost. — 
 
OF DEVILS. 177 
 
 Seeing, though we are permitted to destroy none who are 
 good and virtuous, we have the pleasure of distressing 
 and distracting them. And certainly no music can be so 
 agreeable to our ears, as the sighs and groans of our ene- 
 mies. — There is something so agreeable in the destruction 
 of infidels, and distracting the rest of mankind, that I have 
 often heard our father Beelzebub say, he would rather 
 asgravate his own torment a thousand degrees than be 
 robbed of that pleasure. His and our happiness lies chief- 
 ly in distressing mankind, especially the virtuous and 
 good, notwithstanding he overheard Immanuel, when he 
 said, " I give unto them eternal life, and none shall pluck 
 them out of my hands." 
 
 Ataro. One would wonder it did not wholly discourage 
 hira from making further attempts against such people, 
 especially if what I have heard is true; I mean that every 
 affliction which they endure by his means, will be an ag- 
 gravationto his own misery. But his hatred against them 
 is implacable. 
 
 Fastosus. It is not altogether his hatred and malice 
 against them, which excite him to persecute them with 
 such unwearied diligence: but it happened on a time, that 
 Beelzebub was by, when one of the heavenly heralds de- 
 clared, "That in all the afflictions of his people, Imman- 
 uel himself is afflicted." And at another time he heard 
 another say, "That Immanuel is touciied with a sense of 
 human infirmities." Nay, then said he to himself, they 
 shall not want for afflictions, if I should endure a thousand 
 hells. It will be a heaven of delight to me, to see my 
 fiery darts bound off from the persons to whom they are 
 shot, and strike him whom I have in the most perfect ab- 
 horrence. So that it is Immanuel himself, rather than 
 those who believe in him, at whom Satan is so much en- 
 raged. 
 
 To return to my story. By my means the knot of sis- 
 terhood between Rachel and Leah v/as disunited, and 
 friendship and love fled to a distance far remote from 
 their tents. But this was not the finishing stroke of my 
 artifice; for when one generation passed away, you might 
 always be sure to find me with those who made their 
 appearance next upon the stage of action. Hence I was 
 found with the sons of Jacob, and made them perpetrate 
 deeds, very unworthy of the patriarchal character, and 
 
irS DIALOGUES 
 
 that even in the lifetime of their father. The destruc* 
 tion of the Hivites, bj the sword of Simeon and Levi, 
 in revenge of Shechem's rape on their sister Dinah, was 
 wholly by my instigation. They grieved, and that just- 
 ly; but pride alone called up the demons of Revenge 
 and Cruelty, who drenched themselves in Canaaiiitish 
 blood. 
 
 When Joseph dreamed of his future advancement, I 
 prevailed with his brethren to hate him, and gave admis- 
 sion to every baleful demon; under whose influence, even 
 at the hazard of their father's life, they sold him into 
 Egypt. There I stirred up Sabrina, the wife of Poti^har, 
 to revenge her slighted charms upon him; Joseph himself 
 to swear by the life of Pharo, and to carry it very strange- 
 ly to his brethren, in the time of their affliction, notwith- 
 standing he himself had seen such wonders of Divine Pro- 
 vidence, as mentioned by the writer of his life. Just it 
 was that his brethren should have been afflicted for their 
 former perfidy and baseness; but Joseph could never 
 have been persuaded to be instrumental therein, but by 
 my instigation. 
 
 Impiator. I am surprised, sir, you should select the 
 history of those reputed the best of men, for exemplify- 
 ing your dominion; whereas you make no mention of 
 Ham, Ishmael, Esau, &c. I thought your dominion over 
 them was more full than over the other. 
 
 Fastosus. I mentioned the best on purpose to save 
 myself trouble, couvsin. For when you hear my power 
 over them, you will easily conceive that my dominion over 
 the rest of mankind must be absolute. 1 might, indeed, 
 do myself honour by telling you of the part 1 had in the 
 lewdness of Ham, the despite of Ishmael, Esau's revenge, 
 &c. &c. but as I understand it all implied in the present 
 plan of my narrative. Indeed it would be endless to tell 
 you of even a thousandth part of my achievements; and I 
 am persuaded it is more agreeable to you to hear of my 
 occasional prevalence over the virtuous, than to have a 
 full display of my uninterrupted dominion over the infi- 
 del part of mankind, without it. 
 
 Yet it may not be amiss, by way of specimen, to give 
 you one instance of my influence over infidels in general. 
 Amongst the millions I might adduce, I shall refer you to 
 Basuris Pharaoh, king of Egypt, in the days of Moses and 
 
OF DEVILS. 179 
 
 Aaron. Notwithstanding the mighty signs and wonders 
 ^hich God wrought by the hands of his Hebrew servants, 
 he was absolutely under my dominion, that he hardened 
 himself against the Almighty, disregarded the voice of 
 his prophets, and would not suffer the people to go into 
 the wilderness to worship. Moses and Aaron wrought 
 works unprecedented in the presence of the king and 
 his nobles j but I persuaded him that the whole was ef- 
 fected by the power of magic, and that Jannes and Jam- 
 bres, his own enchanters, could do the same, were they 
 called to it. 
 
 I had such possession of his heart, before any miracles 
 were wrought, that he thought himself inferior to no be- 
 ing whatever, and scorned subjection even to the Al- 
 m^hty. Pharaoh's magicians, in divers instances, by a 
 divine permission, imitating the wonders wrought by 
 Moses and Aaron, he persuaded himself that he was at 
 least equal to that God who sent them, and in the most 
 haughty disdain he said, '• Who is the Lord, that 1 should 
 obey himr" 
 
 You have all heard that no man hath hardened him- 
 self against God at any time, and hath prospered: Nor 
 did he prosper. I hardened his heart against every di- 
 vine injunction, until the God of the Hebrews utterly 
 confounded the Memphian magicians, and made the 
 haughty monarch, not only willing to let the people go, 
 but eager to thrust them out of the land. However, 
 they had not travelled very far, before Pharaoh, being a 
 little recovered from his consternation, was induced by 
 me to pursue and oblige them to return to their drud- 
 gery, alleging the great loss which both his majesty and. 
 the Egyptian monarchy would sustain, by the depar- 
 ture of such a number of vigorous slaves. Pursuant 
 to this purpose, he mustered his chariots and horse- 
 men, all the Egyptian chivalry, pursued the fugitives, 
 by dint of sword to compel them to their spades and 
 wheelbarrows. Every one must praise my noble in- 
 tentions; for I designed that both hosts should have 
 perished, the one by the sword of the Egyptians, and the 
 other by the thunderbolts of heaven. 1 conjectured up- 
 on good ground, that if Pharaoh destroyed the Hebrewi, 
 the Almighty would avenge their blood upon him and hii 
 kingdom. 
 
180 DIALOGUES 
 
 The host of Pharaoh overtook the Hebrews near Pi- 
 ha-hiroth, where the raging ocean met them in the front, 
 and a vast ridge of impassable mountains enclosed them 
 on either hand: *' Glory be on me! cried the exulting 
 monarch. See how mj hapr)j stars have hemmed in the 
 fugitives! Now shall they either return to their servi- 
 tude, or perish on the points of Egyptian swords; and 
 Pharaoh shall no more be upbraided with a God greater 
 than himself.*' But Pharaoh's boastings were premature; 
 his hopes were blasted before they were full blown: For 
 it came to pass, that the Almighty took the cause of his 
 people into his own hands, wrought salvation for them, 
 and with an high hand destroyed him and all the Egyp- 
 tian chivalry. 
 
 Business calls me hence, gentlemen. I hold it good 
 that we adjourn until to-muirow. 
 
 DIALOGUE XIII. 
 
 ALL THE DL\LOGEANS PRESENT. 
 
 AvARo. Indeed, gentlemen, what I tell you is true, 
 you cannot conceive how much I am caressed by the gro- 
 velling slaves. 
 
 Fastosus. Do not boast, cousin, nor let it once enter 
 your mind, that your reception amongst mankind is more 
 cordial and hearty than mine; for where there is one per- 
 son who prostitutes himself to the devil Avaro, there are 
 at least twenty who fall down at the shrine of the adored 
 Fastosus; though I will still own your craftiness has sub- 
 dued not a few to your grovelling sway. 
 
 AvARo. Not a few, indeed! Every nation furnisheth 
 its quota, to make up the number of my abject slaves, 
 who adore me under feigned names, suitably adapted 
 to the genius of each country. For instance, in Holland, 
 1 am called Mynheer Industry; in France, Monsieur 
 Prudence; in Spain, I bear the name of Don Diligence; 
 
OF DEVILS. 181 
 
 lii Austria and Russia, as also at the Hao;ue, I am known 
 bj the name of Good Policy; and in Great Britain and 
 her colonies I am called Mister Care, alias Mr. Frugali- 
 ty; but my true name being rightly translated uill read 
 Covetousness. 
 
 Great advantages arise to us from the concealment 
 of our proper names. The word covetousness, you 
 know, is of such a true brimstone colour, that unless 
 1 had some method of disguising it, I could get but 
 few adorers in comparison of what I have. There are 
 thousands who delight to keep me under their roofs, 
 by the feigned names of Industry and Frugality, who 
 would be afraid to be seen in my company, under the 
 name of Covetousness. They rise up early, sit up late, 
 they eat the bread of carefulness, can never get enough 
 of work done by their servants and labourers; they buy 
 as cheap and sell as dear as they can, and are forever 
 concerting schemes of money-getting; and yet they are 
 not covetous; all the world could not persuade them 
 that they are the worshippers of the devil Avaro. — 
 Even those whose morning and evening desires run in 
 the following strain. *• \Vhat shall I do to get money.'^ 
 How shall 1 manage to keep what I have got out 
 of the reach of pilfering rogues?" Such are their de- 
 sires, and yet tiiey are not covetous. Notwithstand- 
 ing their increase, they cannot, with pleasure, assist 
 the needy, unless by so doing they can serve them- 
 selves; and yet they are not covetous. Such people are 
 very apt to consider gain as a proof of their godliness, 
 and it is difficult for them to believe a poor man is ho- 
 nest. If his honesty is so clear that they cannot deny 
 it, they will tacitly charge him with either indolence or 
 want of economy, as they take it for granted, any man 
 may prosper in the world if he will; and yet they are not 
 covetous. 
 
 Infidelis. Your disciples, Avaro, it seems, have but 
 little acquaintance with that divine providence which we 
 are constrained to confess; that providence which emp- 
 tieth the store-house of one and fills that of another, ac- 
 cording to the dictates of unerring wisdom. But by long 
 observation, we have learned, that the race is not to the 
 swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to whomsoever 
 the Arbiter of the universe is pleased to give the bles- 
 
 16 
 
182 DIALOGUES 
 
 sing. What most surpriseth me is to see so many of 
 your people among the professors of religion. Do you 
 think they have never heard that those who love the 
 world, have not the love of the Father in them; and that 
 friendship with the world is enmity against God? Or do 
 they suppose themselves capable of serving both God and 
 mammon.^ 
 
 AvARo. With your leave, sir, such texts of scripture 
 are of no weight with our people. Some consider them 
 as interpolations, others mistranslated, others still deem 
 them erroneous, therefore not to be regarded^ and all 
 agree that the force of such passages ought to be reason- 
 ed away. Yes, brother fiends, you may meet with ma- 
 ny, who, if their mental sentiments may be known by 
 their outward conduct, believe themselves capable enough 
 of serving both God and mammon, and that it is very 
 consistent to love both God and the world at the same 
 time. All the week round, they are so earnestly engag- 
 ed in pursuing worldly advantages, that one would sup- 
 pose, they had got an assurance that for one thousand 
 years, at least, to enter upon, their souls shall not be re- 
 quired of them; or indeed one would think they believe 
 not a syllable of the Bible, or that there is either God or 
 devil, heaven or hell. Yea, so ardent is their chase af- 
 ter gold, they cannot spare so much time as to ask their 
 servants whether they intend for heaven or hell at death? 
 Whether they serve God or the devil? Whether they 
 read the Bible, or idle plays and novels? AVhether 
 they go to the church or ale-house on a Sunday; or, in-^ 
 deed, whether they are Pagans or Christians, Papists or 
 Protestants? And yet they are good Christians them- 
 selves, members of churches, and worshippers of the God 
 of heaven. 
 
 Notwithstanding their fervent zeal for, and unwearied 
 diligence in the cause of mammon they will not absent 
 themselves from church on a Sabbath day on any conside- 
 ration; but, with all sincerity imaginable, with the devo- 
 tion of one holiday wipe oft' the stains of the former six, 
 and on Monday come forth ^^fi^sLf^r the avaricious 
 chase as ever. Thus, you see,^l^^!iDjects, by their con- 
 duct, plainly tell you, they believe it very possible to 
 serve both God and mammon; and thus they give the lie 
 to divine testimony. 
 
OF DEVILS. 183 
 
 It is now as it always was; many people follow religion 
 with the same views w^ith those of the loaf and the fish 
 followers^ they take up religion to procure a character 
 among men, that it may serve as a cloak for their merce- 
 nary purposes. The person deemed religious, being ca- 
 pable of executing avaricious schemes with greater facili- 
 ty and advantage, than the man who is known to be an 
 enemy to all religion. 
 
 Fastosus. It seems, Avaro, your money-hunters can 
 adapt religion or any thing to the great end of getting. 
 I know thousands v/ho woufd not attend the worship of 
 God at all, if they found not their account in it. I have 
 laughed, many times, at seeing the atheist and the deist 
 come to church and receive the sacrament, to qualify 
 them for places of public concern. It may safely be sup- 
 posed, that men who believe not the sacrament to be of 
 divine institution, have some ends, no way religious, 
 to answer, by their receiving it. It is not a little droll, 
 too, to see many, who, for conscience sake, dissent from 
 the church of England, when they have the prospect of 
 preferment, come cordially to the altar and receive the 
 consecrated elements from the parish priest. Mortal man 
 could not do more to secure all the emoluments of both 
 church and state to their own party forever, than the au- 
 thors of the test act did, and yet many dissenters play 
 the devil in cheating them. It must be a close hedge 
 indeed, in which some people will not find a hole to creep 
 through. 
 
 Impiator. Ay, uncle, and it is every whit as droll 
 to see many of my subjects, who never attend at church, 
 except upon those occasions; men who spend their 
 whole time in drinking, gaming, and whoring, admit- 
 ted to the table of the Lord, to serve a turn in poli- 
 tics, contrary to every rule, divine and human; and 
 yet these men commence the pillars and governors of 
 the church, without coming near its assemblies on 
 other occasions. These things make amazingly for our' 
 interest. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Not many days since, your son Discordans 
 gave us a most agreeable account of some of his opera- 
 tions, by the instrumentality of Prejudice and False-Rea- 
 soning. I should be glad, my nephew, if you will be 
 pleased to go on with your story. 
 
184 DIALOGUES 
 
 DisooRDANS. I have no objection, sir, if my honoured 
 parent will be pleased to permit. But Discordans can- 
 not so much as breathe, without the instigation of great 
 Fastosus. 
 
 Fastosus. You do me great honor, my son, and 
 have my permission to proceed: But as I have ur- 
 gent business in hand, and am already acquainted with 
 your story, I shall leave you for the present, and meet 
 you here to-morrow. Darkness and confusion attend 
 you all. 
 
 Discordans. This same glass, False-Eeasoning, is 
 the mirror in which the Jewish clergy, doctors of law, 
 scribes, and pharisees, tried the doctrines and actions of 
 Immanuel and all his followers. By these means they 
 were fatally deceived, and led to reject the counsel of 
 God against themselves; yea, hardened to that degree, 
 as to say, the light which enlighteneth every man that 
 Cometh into the world, is absolutely darkness, and to 
 charge the Maker of a!i things with being a magician? 
 even to put forth their sanguinary hands, and murder the 
 Lord of life. 
 
 You may think I was closely employed in those days, 
 as there was not a pharisee in the whole world, whom I 
 had not furnished v/ith an inverting mirror and telescope. 
 By these means they became quite enamoured with their 
 own supposed virtue, and held all bes^ides themselves to 
 be accursed; that is to say, heretics, because they knev#' 
 not the law; that is, they did not measure length and 
 breadth, exactlj^ according to the standard of orthodoxy, 
 which in all ages has been the traditions of the elders, 
 and not the scriptures of truth, as some have erroneous- 
 ly asserted. 
 
 Impia-Tor. Hold, cousin, there I think you must be 
 wrong; for I myself was wont to hear Immanuel, (who 
 you know could not lie) refer his hearers to the scripture 
 for the resolution of all doubts. 
 
 DrscoRDAxs. That is nothing at all to the purpose, 
 cousin. I readily grant, and none can honestly deny 
 it, that the scripture is the standard of truth; but truth 
 and orthodoxy are two things, very different, and some- 
 times diametrically opposite to one another. Bible doc- 
 trine is the same in all ages and nations; but ortho- 
 doxy in one nation differs at least as much from ortho- 
 
OF DEVILS. 185 
 
 doxy in another nation, as the several climates do from 
 one' another. To go no farther than Britain, you see 
 what is south of the Tweed accounted the purest reli- 
 gion in the world, is, upon travelling farther towards 
 the pole, deemed corrupt, superstitious, and antichris- 
 tian. So it is vice versa. Moreover, what has been or- 
 thodox and apostolic in one age, has had the misfortune 
 to become quite heterodox and damnable in the next; 
 so that there is no certain standard of orthodoxy in any 
 nation: But truth is always the same, and knows no 
 standard but one. 
 
 Indeed the synod of Dort, and the reformers of the 
 English church, have done what mortal men could do to 
 fix an everlasting standard of orthodoxy by tying all fu- 
 ture professors to subscribe their traditions. But even 
 that is insufficient. For, by the help of mental reserva- 
 tion, many subscribe contrary to their real belief; and 
 others, who have not that address, even go without a 
 benefice, let them believe the Bible ever so piously. 
 Yea, I have known many deemed heretics, and burned 
 at a stake, merely for believing the Bible. Orthodox pa- 
 pists, orthodox episcopalians, orthodox presbyterians, and 
 orthodox congregationalists, have all had the honour of 
 putting people to death for their want of orthodoxy; that 
 is. because they were daring enough to think for them- 
 selves, contrary to the known maxims of the orthodox 
 priests in every age. You know, it is observable, that the 
 orthodox are condescending enough to suffer other people 
 to have thought for them. 
 
 Impiator. AVhat cousin, has any sect of Christians, 
 besides our friends the papists, been found to persecute 
 those who differed from them.'^ 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. Yes, cousin, every sect who has at any 
 time been happy enough to grasp the reins of govern- 
 ment for the time being. The worthy papists bore the 
 bell of orthodoxy for the space of twelve hundred and 
 sixty years, during which time much blood was shed by 
 open massacres, secret assassinations, pretended judica- 
 tures, acts of bloody faith; and, at last, to finish the 
 bloody reign of antichrist, England, France, the Nether- 
 lands, and the valleys of Piedmont swam with the gore 
 of such who would believe the Bible sooner than the 
 voice of the priests. Queen Mary's reign furnished the 
 16* 
 
186 DIALOGUES 
 
 orthodox in her day, with a fine opportunity of discover- 
 ing their zeal for the church, by murdering those who 
 believed and obeyed the Bible; but her reign being short 
 and Elizabeth ascending the throne upon her demise, the 
 other scale rose uppermost; and the protestants in their 
 turn became orthodox; that is, got the government into 
 their hands. 
 
 O the violence of reputed orthodoxy! Those same 
 gentlemen were no sooner emerged from prison than they 
 also let the world know that they were not to be differed 
 from with impunity; that the formula of their faith and 
 worship must be regarded with as implicit obedience as 
 that in the former reign imposed by the papists. Now 
 the presbyterians, independents, and other congregation- 
 alists, felt the weight of their rage, or, if you please, 
 zeal for orthodoxy, and the good of the church. Now 
 the prison-keepers, and their friend Master Ketch, had 
 pretty near as good a run of trade as in the reign of Ma- 
 ry. And now the wilds of America began to be well peo- 
 pled with English protestants and oppressed dissenters; 
 and the good episcopalians at home, kept the fleece to 
 themselves, and had all the good of the church before 
 them. But those said presbyterians and independents 
 had no sooner crossed the ocean for conscience sake, and 
 found themselves secure from episcopalian rage, than 
 they themselves commenced orthodox and set up their 
 own formula as the standard of religion, to which they 
 required as implicit submission from others as the good 
 bishops of England had ere while done from themselves: 
 and now the poor anti-pedobaptists and quakers v.ere 
 taught, that a mittimus is a mittimus, whether it is signed 
 by a papist, an episcopalian, or a presbyterian; and that 
 sentence oi" death is to be dreaded as much from the 
 mouth of the latter as of the former. Those same dissen- 
 ters, who had so lately found Old England too hot fur 
 themselves, by the glowing of priestly zeal for orthodoxy, 
 soon made New England too hot for the poor quakers 
 and anti-pedobaptists; who, to escape the rage for pres- 
 bytery, fled, the one to Pennsylvania and the other to 
 Rhode-Island, that they might not be compelled to wor- 
 ship God according to other people's consciences, and 
 contrary to their own. 
 
OF DEVILS. 187 
 
 Infidelis. So then the old spirit of calling down, fire 
 from heaven upon heretics, or those who walk in a dif- 
 ferent way, it seems has prei'ailed in modern times as 
 well as of yore. what a mask is that I human rage in 
 the character of godly zeal! It is wonderful to see peo- 
 ple glorifying the prince of liberty, but shutting their 
 brethren up in a dungeon for conscience sake; worship- 
 ing the saviour of men's lives by putting people to death, 
 because they will worship him in a different form; and it 
 is as wonderful that the ambassadors of peace, as they 
 call themselves, should be the principal agents of this 
 violence. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. But for the ambassadors, persecution 
 had never been known in the world, sir. The laity have 
 so little zeal for God, that they would, if not instigated 
 by the clergy, suffer men to worship him according to 
 the best understanding they have of his mind revealed 
 in the Bible. But the ambassadors are quite of another 
 opinion, for by tliem it is determined that God shall be 
 worshipped in the very mode by them directed, or h^ 
 shall not be worshipped at all, if they can help it. The 
 honour of persecution, alias punishing of heretics, must 
 all be ascribed to the reverend ambassadors. 
 
 Impiator. By ambassadors, I suppose, cousin, yol 
 mean popish priests, in contradistinction from protestant 
 ministers. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. I mean both papists and protestants, cou- 
 sin; and with me it is not very easy to determine which 
 best deserve the honouraole appellation. 
 
 But to return to my story. I taught the respectable 
 Pharisees in general the use of my instruments, which, 
 as you saw in the late experiment, perfectly inverteth 
 tvery object; and so, by my prudent management, those 
 very people, held to be the most religious of the Jews, 
 were wrought up to such a degree of self-conceit, as to 
 fit them for executing the will of the devil, still suppos- 
 ing that they were doing good service to the God of Is- 
 rael. Contemplated under the reflection of my inge- 
 nious instruments, those Pharisees, who were darkness it- 
 self, considered themselves as angels of light, and each 
 became so enamoured of his own personal excellencies, 
 that all who were not of their sect or persuasion were 
 held in the most consummate abhorrence; as accursed, 
 
188 DIALOGUES 
 
 and ignorant of their traditions, yea, even enemies to the 
 Almighty. 
 
 They viewed Immanuel, the brightness of the Father's 
 glory, and express image of his person, by the help of 
 my glasses, in which, to them, he appeared as one come 
 from Beelzebub, and performing miracles in the spirit 
 and power of the great apostate. His immediate disci- 
 ples were, indeed, men of whom the world was not 
 worthy; yet, viewed by the help of these notable instru- 
 ments, they appeared as creatures the most despicable. 
 Although men of peaceful principles, willing to spend 
 and be spent for the good of mankind, they were held to 
 be enemies to the public good; men who turned the 
 world upside down; unworthy of a dwelling in the 
 tents of humanity, and therefore thrust out of the world 
 with violence. Such wonderful works were accom- 
 plished of old by the help of these amazing instru- 
 ments, and still they are perfect as ever, and fit for 
 operation. 
 
 ♦ Even at this day, v/hen the whole system of revealed 
 truth is examined by my inverting mirror, it is misap- 
 prehended as cunningly devised fables; a well concerted 
 system of falsehood; or a priestly imposition on the con- 
 sciences and understanding of the laity. Yes, my feliow 
 destroyers, by my wise government, many, who value 
 themselves as the greatest masters of reason, are so abso- 
 lutely stupid as to suppose that the eternal God has left 
 men at large, without any given law or revelation of his 
 mind, to which their submission is required. Being thus 
 stupidly absurd, you will not wonder that the same mas- 
 ters of reason have been ingenious enough to find out 
 that this world, unweildy as it is, was dexterous enough 
 to create itself, and possesseth wisdom enough to be its 
 own governor. 
 
 IxFiDELis. By your leave, cousin, this last part of your 
 account belongs to my administration. You preside only 
 over dissension and division. I want to hear some of 
 your operations of this kind. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. True, sir. But if I preside over dissen- 
 sions, divisions, animosities, &c. you know I must be al- 
 lowed to use proper means, by which my works are to be 
 propagated; for I am not like those human fools, who ex- 
 pect the end without using the means. Besides, sir, that 
 
OF DEVILS. 189 
 
 one devil should assist another, is bj no means against 
 the laws of our fraternity. If I, to promote my belov- 
 ed discord, call in the assistance of your bewildering 
 influences; I also, in a kind return, by the divisions 
 which I foment, greatly strengthen the slavish bands of 
 great infidelity. Our interest being mutual, I hope the 
 worthy Infidelis, will never grumble to lend me all pos- 
 sible assistance in striving to make this earth, as much 
 as may be, to resemble the regions of the damned. 
 Moreover, our great prince and parent is no way care- 
 ful about which of his illustrious family is the instru- 
 ment in damning a soul, so that the work of damnation is 
 effected. 
 
 IxriDELis. I have no objection, cousin, to assist you, 
 or any of our kindred. All I desire is, to have due 
 notice taken of my influence. Our leading view ought 
 undoubtedly to be the destruction of men, in compli- 
 ance with the will of our great ancestor. But I detain 
 you. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. The ancient Pharisees were not the only 
 dupes I have had in the world. The great man at Rome, 
 the father of the world, and head of the church of anti- 
 christ, has been as much my dupe as people of less emi- 
 nence, as I shall show you in the sequel. 
 
 I.vFiDELis. What, cousin, have you become acquaint- 
 ed with my old friend? I should like to know how that 
 came to pass, and what acquaintance you have with 
 him. 
 
 DiEcoRDAx?. I accomplished it in the following man- 
 ner. First I presented his supreme holiness with a pair 
 of my instruments, of the right Luciferian construction, 
 on purpose that he might, by their assistance, try all the 
 bulls he should publish, and all the causes which should 
 come before him. For it ought to be observed, the time 
 was when the whole world wondered at his infallible judg- 
 ment. Infallible, so given out, and so for many ages re- 
 ceived. Yea, so powerful, so efficacious, has been the 
 word of his holiness, that ere now his very breath has 
 blown the crown oft' from the head of one *^prince upon 
 that of another. So very extensive his sovereign sway, 
 that to give a kingdom to a devoted friend was no more 
 to him than to give a snuiF of sneezing would.be to a 
 trusty highlander. 
 
190 DIALOGUES 
 
 From the use of my instruments tliere arises a neces- 
 sity that his holiness's bulls, &:c. should be the most per- 
 fect antichristianism; so that in the inverting mirror they 
 may assume the likeness of unerring truth. It is the 
 same with the persons and things which the hoary father 
 is concerned with: the sentence is. in general, contrary to 
 the real intrinsic merit of the party or cause. Hence we 
 iind a turbulent Becket canonized for a saint, and placed 
 among the Roman deities, and a pious Cranmer con- 
 demned to the stake. Regicide is rewarded as meritori- 
 ous, whilst walking according to the dictates of consci- 
 ence is held altogether damnable, both in this and the fu- 
 ture world. 
 
 From the proper application of this mirror, popish 
 bulls, decrees of councils, canons of churches, human 
 composed formulas of worship, are supposed to be stamp- 
 ed with divine authority; whilst the Bible, that only 
 revelation of the divine mind, is considered not only as 
 insufficient to show men the way of salvation, but even 
 dangerous to be read by the laity; and it is absolutely 
 forbidden their use, lest by knowing too much of the will 
 of God, they should perish from the popish faith. Bo the 
 good old vicar obliges the laity to go to hell blindfold, 
 without complaining. 
 
 Nothing can be more certain, than that either his holi- 
 ness the pope, or the writers of the scriptures, must be 
 mistaken. The former says the Bible is dark, mysteri- 
 ous, difficult to be understood, and even dangerous to 
 the souls of men; whereas the latter say, the scripture 
 way of salvation is so plain and easy, that the way-faring 
 man, though a stranger, though even a fool, shall not 
 err therein. The pope has, for weighty reasons, been 
 pleased to forbid the use of the scriptures, under the 
 heavy penalty of death and damnation: Jesus, the author 
 of the Bible, commands all men to search the scriptures; 
 and his spirit, in Paul, applauds this conduct in the noble 
 Bereans. Surely this points out the very person of anti- 
 christ. His holiness at Rome, and all other great leaders 
 of the church, are of opinion that the scripture is not 
 of itself sufficient to be the guide of conscience, the 
 rule of faith and practice; therefore canons, creeds, litur- 
 gies, &.C. are introduced to make the formula of worship 
 more complete. But Paul the apostle tells mankind that 
 
OF DEVILS. 191 
 
 the scripture Is able, through God, to make them wise to 
 salvation. So that the one or the other must needs be 
 mistaken. 
 
 Impiator. His holiness of Rome was in the right to 
 forbid reading of the Bible, and they find their account 
 in so doing. The old Bible, I am told, tolerates even 
 a gospel minister to lead about a wife, but confines liim 
 to one only. Therefore this Bible did not suit my good 
 friends of the priesthood. But the pope's Bible, which 
 forbids to marry, and enjoins an unreserved auricular 
 confession, gives the gentlemen of the cloth an oppor- 
 tunity, under the pretence of being more righteous than 
 others, of being lascivious to the uttermost, and to de- 
 file all the nuns in the convent. What full fed friar 
 would not choose a free admission into such a seraglio, 
 rather than be confined, by sacred marriage, to only one 
 wife? AVith them it is a rule, that much pleasure arises 
 from variety. 
 
 Disc GROANS. So, cousin, I find you are acquainted with 
 our old friends, the priests of Rome. 
 
 Impiator. I have been long acquainted with them. 
 Why, cousin, the greater part of them dwell in my can- 
 ton of literal fornicators, and they are all freemen in the 
 district of mystical whoredom. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. I have taken care to furnish every true 
 member of the Italian church with a partial telescope, by 
 the help of which he takes a false view of the members 
 of all other communities whatever; and, in the very 
 spirit of the ancient Pharisees, holds all to be accursed 
 w ho are not of his communion. By these means also the 
 holiness of real saints is called heresy, and the heresy 
 of the papists obtains the name of holiness. The will- 
 worship, superstition, and idolatry, of those sons of the 
 mystic whore, they call piety, whilst the pure spiritual 
 worship of God, in Christ, is by them termed schism and 
 heresy. 
 
 In my instruments, the papists in general view the 
 righteousness of Immanuel as the ground of man's ac- 
 ceptance with God, and therefore, say they, " It is all 
 chimera, a mere shadow, a doctrine of licentious ten- 
 dency, unfit to be published amongst mankind." But 
 when they consider their own personal merit, by the 
 help of my telescope, they are ravished with their own 
 
192 DIALOGUES 
 
 supposed excellency. "A righteousness of our own," 
 say they, '' is a work of substance, and will bear our 
 dependence. Here is righteousness of my own work- 
 ing out, enough to obtain the favour of God, and to 
 spare. Blessed be my own hands for working out my 
 salvation, and more than my salvation. Adored be my 
 own heart for possessing more than holiness sufficient 
 to bring me to heaven." Of the same opinion is the 
 Rev. Mr. John Wesley, with whom it is plain, that the 
 grace of God is insufficient to salvation, without the co- 
 operation of the creature, who is yet confessedly incapa- 
 ble of doing any thing aright. There is a very near rela- 
 tion between the old gentleman at Rome, and his kins- 
 man at the Foundry. Both are popes, though the latter 
 is much more diminutive than the former. 
 
 There was a time when the whole assemblage of 
 priests took it into their heads to promote their own re- 
 ligion, and to suppress that which had any tendency to 
 lessen the importance of the sacerdotal order. For their 
 more success, they inquired of my mirror, a«^ an oracle, 
 for directioii as to means most proper for the purpose. 
 Answer was given, "By the power of the sword." 
 Therefore in the popish Bible it is written, " Those who, 
 in contempt of holy church, shall take upon them to 
 live according to the dictates of conscience and scrip- 
 ture, shall die the death, and their estates shall be con- 
 fiscated to the prince of the realm, provided always that 
 one full moiety of every such estate shall, without de- 
 duction, be returned to his holiness at Rome, the prince 
 over the kings of ttie earth. Moreover, whoever shall 
 hesitate about yielding his conscience to the guidance of 
 the priest, and shall not with apparent willingness bind 
 his soul to the horns of the pontifical altar, shall be 
 deemed and damned for a heretic; that is, shall be burn- 
 ed out of this world at a stake, and shall burn forever in 
 the world to come, according to the good pleasure of his 
 merciful holiness." 
 
 Infidelis. Ah, cousin, the devil was sadly outwitted 
 in that attair; for although the burning of heretics was a 
 pleasing diversion to our good friends the priests for 
 the time being, it has brought them into contempt which 
 will prove everlasting. Having set the world upon re- 
 flection, it is now found, to our grief, that the religion 
 
OF DEVILS. 195 
 
 of Jesus has no connexion with a spirit of intolerance, 
 which, wherever it obtains, is known to be the spirit of 
 antichrist One would really suppose that the successor 
 of St. Peter ha* quite forgotten the injunction given his 
 predecessor, to cease from the use of the sword, and let 
 it abide in its sheath, seeing he accounts its edge to be 
 the most convincing of all arguments. But 1 interrupt 
 juur story^ cousin. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Often have T seen the whimsical hermit 
 and fantastical devotee take an ample view of his own re- 
 ligious proceedings with this partial telescope and invert- 
 ing mirror, and thus sounds the voice of self-applause 
 from the hermitical cell at the bottom of vSinai, or on the 
 top of Ararat: **Lo, what a high degree of holiness my 
 own self-denial and assiduity have procured me. Eehold ! 
 what great good my crucifixion of the flesh, and separa- 
 tion from the world have wrought out for me, for which I 
 may thank my own resolution. By my pious diligence I 
 have attained holiness sufficient to qualify me for, and 
 good works more than enough to entitle me to, heaven. 
 Happy I, who have made such a good improvement of my 
 time! Unlike to those indolent people who, when they 
 die, are obliged either to purchase their pardons at an ad- 
 vanced price, or to lie for ages in the flames of purgatory, 
 burning away their rebellions. I shall get safe to heaven 
 without so much as touching at that flaming prison on my 
 journey." 
 
 Impiator. Dear cousin, how have I laughed; laughed 
 myself out of breath, strong and healthy as my lungs 
 are, to see the papal penitent, after he has in holy zeal 
 whipt himself with a cat-o'-nine-tails, for the length of 
 several streets, till the impious offending gore has laid 
 on the stones. Enamoured with his own fortitude in 
 so belabouring the sinful flesh, I have seen him, after 
 his penitential work was finished, examine every stripe 
 by the help of my valuable instruments, and, as he 
 viewed, he cried with the voice of exultation, " Ah, 
 how infatuated are those who hope to get to heaven in a 
 whole skin, without mortifying and punishing the wick- 
 ed flesh! To expose themselves to such severe exercise 
 in the discipline of purgatory, for want of devotion 
 enough to submit to the discipline of the church, how im- 
 
 17 
 
194 DIALOGUES 
 
 pious! But I shall have a speedy entrance into happi- 
 ness on my dissolution, for I mortify the members of this 
 body; and these wounds, religiously inflicted voluntarily 
 by my own hand, will be as so many mouths to intercede 
 for me with the Almighty." 
 
 AvARO. So then, cousin, the intercession of Imraanuel 
 is quite out of the question with your penitents, I per- 
 ceive. And indeed those people who can whip them- 
 selves to heaven cannot have much need of his advocacy 
 and intercession. If the whip, well applied, can save 
 a man from destruction, one would be apt to conclude 
 that Immanuel might have saved himself the expense of 
 such bloody suft'erings and agonizing sorrows as he un- 
 derwent. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. That is true, cousin; but their first con* 
 cern is not w'ith Immanuel, but his holiness the pope. 
 Not about the favour of God, but that of his reverence 
 the priest, who is thought to have all the orators of hea- 
 ven under his influence. Therefore, those that hope for 
 favour with the inhabitants of heaven, must be very care- 
 ful not to lose the good graces of the parson; for it is 
 thought that no man can meet with a cordial reception 
 in the other world, but what brings proper credentials 
 with him from the ghostly guide of his conscience in 
 this. But Death is a wonderful instructor, and teaches 
 the poor beo;uiltd criminals lessons which they never 
 thought of in life: and amongst others, this import- 
 ant one, that the favour of the pope and priest can be 
 of no more service to a dying man than the favour of 
 Mahomet. 
 
 AVhen the true born sons of the scarlet whore are 
 pleased to view the protectants with my telescope, indig- 
 nation ri^^es in the heart, and thus they o;ive vent to their 
 zeal and vengeance: ''Ah, what a goodly heaven would 
 it be to see those heretics broiling in the flames of hell! 
 When shall vengeance fall to the uttermost upon those 
 who dare despise tl)e authority of the church and its holy 
 priest?*' 
 
 Infidrlis. It is allowed on all hands, in the church of 
 Rome, that to protest against the pope's supremacy, and 
 disbelieve his infallibility, is the sin unpardonable; for 
 which no dispensation whatever can be obtained from 
 
OF DEVILS. 195 
 
 the c1erp;y, however much their so doin^ may be ap- 
 proved in heaven. And it is an article in the papal 
 faith, that tire and fagot, rack and i^ibbet, are the most 
 convincing, or rather invincible, of all arguments, there- 
 fore never to be omitted in the decision of religious 
 disputes. 
 
 1mi'ia.tor. AVhen we consider, sir, that his holiness 
 of Rome is not such an able logician as Jesus of Naza- 
 reth, and hath a religion very different from his to de- 
 fend, we must allow that he is in the right of it to 
 reason with the edge of the coercive weapon. Fraudu- 
 lent religion is liable to many disadvantages to which 
 truth is not subject; and although the one will eternally 
 stand of itself against all the machinations of dark- 
 ness, the other will require the assistance of violence 
 and intolerance to uphold it. AVho then can blame 
 their papal reverences for pulling the sword from its 
 scabbard, in order to convince gainsayers.^ I have 
 seen many, by dint of ?ound reasoning, most griev- 
 ously confound the holy fathers, who became like 
 dumb dogs, that could not bark before them, in a mo- 
 ment's time silenced by the end of a cord, or some such 
 irrefutable argument. These are wonderful ways to en- 
 lighten the consciences of heretics, gentlemen. But I 
 pray you, cousin, have you no concern among the pro- 
 testants? 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Not a little, cousin, which to-morrow I 
 may give you some account of ; but at present must for- 
 bear, the usual time of interview being elapsed. Adieu, 
 mv kinsmen, adieu. 
 
196 DIALOGUES 
 
 DIALOGUE XIT. 
 
 DISCORDANS, 
 
 Yes, gentlemen, strange as it maj seem, I assure yon 
 mj advantages by these instruments are great, and mj 
 influence even over protestants not to be despised. 
 Though, it is true, I am at no pains to prejudice the 
 protestants against the papists, or to make use of my in- 
 struments in order to render the latter more disagreeable 
 than they really arej for, whilst in the bodjr, it is impos- 
 sible to make a thorough bred papist more diabolical than 
 he is already. I leave it therefore with the protestants 
 to examine the worshippers of the pope in the mirror of 
 revealed truth, by which the antichristianism of that re- 
 ligion is sufficiently detected, and all the fallacy of priest- 
 craft is openly brought to light. But great is the busi- 
 ness which 1 do between one protestant and another} 
 who, although they unanimously agree to shake off the 
 papal yoke, are most grievously divided among them- 
 selves. They abominate the high and arrogant preten- 
 sions of Rome, yet they themselves are severally the 
 most orthodox, and drink deeper into the spirit of popery 
 tlian they are perhaps aware of, even of the precious 
 gpirit of intolerance and bigotry. 
 
 When a zealous churchman, such as Sacheveral, or 
 
 his lordship of L ff, or aDurell, Nowel, or Blackett, 
 
 examines his own party with my telescope and mirror, 
 how enamoured is the good man on the discovery of his 
 own excellency! How much of the self-opinionated 
 gtrain flows from his boasting lips! *' There is no doubt, 
 says he, but our church is truly apostolical; the purest 
 church in the whole world. We hold fast the form of 
 sound words, and are not forgetful of the tradition of the 
 elders." 
 
 Infidelis. No, cousin, they are not forgetful of tradi* 
 tion; for with all the pompous parade of lordly prelates, 
 there is not a small part of the episcopalian formula that 
 derives its existence from the traditions of even the R<^ 
 
OF DEVILS. 19r 
 
 mlsh fathers. Cringing and courtesTing vihen the name 
 of Jesus is pronounced; worshipping with the face to- 
 wards the east, keeping lent, and other holidays besides 
 the Christian Sabbath; fasting on Fridays,- crossing in 
 baptism, with a great many more, are all sprung from 
 the Italian fountain. In like manner the names of their 
 priests evidently show that the pope stood godfather at 
 their christening. And he that but looks on their ca- 
 nonical robes, must be instantly convinced that they are 
 cut in the true Italian taste. However, they are not the 
 only protestants who hanker after papal customs; for 
 even the Geneva cloke itself discovers the tailor's ac- 
 quaintance with the shops of Italy. And yet to hear 
 the Calvinists boast of their reformation from popery, 
 one-would thinic we could not find so much as a shred 
 of the strumpet's garments within the pale of their pres- 
 bytery. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. It is a rule with mankind in general to 
 look out narrowly for the mote in the eye of another, 
 whilst they tenderly pass by the beam which is in their 
 own eye; and, as we have brought the world into such a 
 state of disorder, it is no difficult matter for the eye of 
 jealousy to iind faults enough. Sometimes I clap my te- 
 lescope to the eye of a true son of the church, and direct 
 him to survey the whole body of dissenters: he obeys, 
 and then exclaims, '* These same roundheads are schis- 
 matics, prone to strife and sedition; self-sufficient, turbu- 
 lent, and uneasy bigots; haters of apostolic discipline, and 
 lovers of licentiousness, who therefore spit in the face 
 of their mother, and wickedly leave the purest church in 
 the world." 
 
 Impiator. I pray you, cousin, are there none aposto- 
 lical besides the episcopalians? 
 
 DiscoRDANS. yes, cousin Impiator; all are apostoli- 
 cal, if their own testimony is to be credited. All the 
 Romish clergy are apostolical, and give it out that Peter 
 the fisherman was their great-grandfather. The church of 
 Scotland is also apostolical, and the power of the twelve 
 apostles is thought to have been transferred to the Scotch 
 presbytery. The Independents are apostolical also, on 
 account of the soundness of their doctrine, and regularity 
 of some part of their discipline. But both they and the 
 Lorth country clergvmeQ labour under some disadvaD- 
 17* 
 
198 DIALOGUES 
 
 tages; for the latter hare lost the deed of transfer, which 
 conveyed the authority of the apostles unto the presby- 
 tery; and the former are unhappy enough to be unable 
 to produce either precept or precedent from the apostles 
 for infant sprinkling, which is, notwithstanding, a founda- 
 tion doctrine, and by them accounted christian baptism. 
 The baptists, or, as the independents and methodists 
 respectfully call them, anabaptists, you may be sure, 
 are not less apostolical than their neighbours, having, 
 besides all the advantages claimed by the Independ- 
 ents, the enjoyment of baptism according to the primi- 
 tive institution. So that no defect whatever, in point 
 of a gospel spirit, can hinder them from being apos- 
 tolical. 
 
 Even Mr. Wesley and his preachers give themselves 
 out to be apostolical, notwithstanding Mr. Wesley as- 
 serts that salvation is by works, which the apostle Paul 
 denied. No contradiction whatever will hinder the 
 teachers of the people from considering themselves as 
 apostolical. When I am used to attend the Sandema- 
 nian church, after service time, and divert myself with 
 their playing at blindman's buff, I confess I could not 
 easily gather from what part of the apostles' conduct 
 they derived their warrant for this game, any more thaa 
 for cards, skittles, attending plays and masquerades, 
 going to Vauxhall, Ranelagh, &:c.' &c., and yet this is 
 the only apostolic church in the world, in its own 
 esteem, taken in its proper connexions. However, it is 
 said, some of the oldest pillars of the church having 
 had their shins repeatedly broken, and the elders' noses 
 having been smitten even to bloodshed, they have laid 
 aside that dangerous play of blindman's butf, so verj 
 apostolical a few years ago, and have found out ways 
 and means of becoming little children, less dangerous 
 and more becoming their infant capacities, by which thej 
 may spend the evening of every Sabbath. 
 
 Impiator. By your leave, cousin, I have often been 
 puzzled to find out how it is the prelates of the church of 
 England came to be apostolical j and I protest I cannot, 
 after all, unriddle the mystery. I have heard my father 
 say, that the apostles were never consecrated to any seo 
 whatever in England, and there was not half the num- 
 ber ol apostles there are of prelates eveo in this island. 
 
OF DEVILS. 199 
 
 Moreover, I have heard him sav, the archbishops and 
 bishops of the Englisli churcli are the successors of the 
 archflamins and flamins, tlie dignitaries of the old 
 British pagan church, prior to the days of Lucius. — 
 Kow if they hold the honours and revenues of tlie pa- 
 gan clergymen, how is it that they are apostolical? Is 
 It because the name is changed from flamin to bishop, or 
 how? 
 
 Certain it is, the English bishops must be of a more 
 noble order than the apostles. There are lord bishops; 
 tliey possess great revenues^ they are clothed in soft rai- 
 ment, and dwell in king's courts,; they are too high, too 
 polite, too dignified, to preach in a common assembly, or 
 indeed in any other, more than twice or thrice a year. 
 But the apostles were men of mean extraction, not lords, 
 not right reverends; plain Paul, Peter, James, &c. They 
 were contented if their revenues would purchase food and 
 raiment for them; they seldom appeared among great 
 men, in king's courts, otherwise than in quality of prison- 
 ers; they were willing to spend and be spent, in preach- 
 ing the gospel to all people, and on all occasions; they 
 had no carriages, no equipages; nothing to glory of but 
 their afflictions, which fell upon them in every place 
 wherever they came. 
 
 LvFiDELis. There is some weight in your reasoning, 
 my son, and they will understand it hereafter. But, in 
 the mean while, it is not clever in the churchmen, how- 
 e\'er zealous, to charge the non-conformists with having 
 separated from the church. The church of England, in 
 her rubric, defines a church to be "a congregation of 
 faithful men, where the word is preached, and the ordi- 
 nances are administered;" from whence it is plain, a 
 church may meet in a house which has never a steeple; 
 anil a man may leave the house of parish worship, or what 
 is called the parish church, and yet cleave to a congre- 
 gation of faithful men and women, where the ordinances 
 are administered and the word preached, which the ru- 
 bric, as before observed, acknowledges to be the true 
 church. Churches are built of living stones, which never 
 a parish church nor cathedral in England is; therefore 
 a departure from them can never with propriety, be said 
 to be a schism in the church. My good friend, the high 
 
SCO DIALOGUES 
 
 churchman, is somewhat unkind to the non conformists 
 in this affair. 
 
 DiscouDANS. I allow it, sir. But I assure you the 
 non-conformist perfectly understands the law of retal- 
 iation, and is an adept in the use of my instruments. In 
 some zealous hour of self- approbation you may hear his 
 thoughts about the episcopalians. '• These episcopalians, 
 Bays he, these mongrels, are monsters in religion; like 
 Ephraim, they are neither baked nor unbaked, but like a 
 cake not turned; neither good protestants nor right pa- 
 pists. Partly they worship God, and partly they obey 
 the pope. What consistency can there be in such a jum- 
 bled religion? Can there be any good, where there is so 
 much papal dross and refuse.^ Any true religion, where 
 there is so much false traditional superstition? Can there 
 be any thing of the substance, where there is so much of 
 the shadow?" So you see there is never a sect of protes- 
 tants, but will occasionally do the devil a kindness, in 
 their treatment of one another. 
 
 Infidelis. This language of the non-conformists is not 
 general, cousin; for there are many who believe that a 
 person may really be saved, although even not of their 
 community; and that all who differ from them, are not 
 to be treated as absolutely enemies to God and all reli- 
 gion. The like may be said of the good people of the 
 church of England. For amongst them you will find 
 some who do not really think that every dissenter is ab- 
 solutely in a state of damnation, and hope at least that a 
 man may escape hell, even though he never sets his foot 
 in the parish church. However, I have often been high- 
 ly diverted at hearing the church parson, on the one 
 hand, railing against the neighbouring dissenters as worse 
 than the papists, instead of preaching the gospel; and, 
 on the other hand, the dissenter, with the greatest dex- 
 terity, bandying back the curse upon his reverence, as 
 the dog that barks at the sheep of Christ. Prejudice, 
 cousin, deals all in extremes; it never touches on the 
 middle path of judgment, the path reserved for the gentle 
 steps of candour. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. It is not enough that I persuade the most 
 bigoted part of both conformists and non-conformists, re- 
 ciprocally to consider each other as the avowed and incor- 
 rigible enemies of Christianity, and themselves to be its 
 
OF DEVILS. 201 
 
 warmest votaries. But I find means to procure the non- 
 cons a sight of each other in my celebrated telescope, and 
 each to treat the difterent denominations with as much 
 rigour and injustice, as if thej were not followers or did 
 not profess to be followers of one and the same Saviour. 
 The hottest episcopalian rage ever felt by their forefath- 
 ers, discovered not more bigotry than what some of them 
 discover against one another. 
 
 I was greatly edified the other day in paying a visit to 
 tm eminent quaker, who, when with curious eye he was 
 examining my instruments, was moved by the spirit oT 
 eelf-conceit, to examine, try, cast and condemn all the 
 sects of professors around him, as destitute of the inward 
 power of religion; and thus, having my telescope at his 
 eye, he began; *' Friend Episcopalius, I perceive thou 
 ert so carried away with the form, that thou carest not 
 for the power of religion. Vain man, shadows are thy 
 delight, and thou little regardest the substance. Dost 
 thou think, friend Episcopalius, that the spirit is in th© 
 service-book? Why dost not thee read friend Barclay's 
 Apology? Dost thou suppose that Christian ministers 
 are ever to be seen shrouded in Romish weeds and sur- 
 plices? How can thy steeple-house be a receptacle of 
 the meek and peaceful saints, when there is such a clink- 
 ing of bells from the top of it? Is it not more likely a 
 synagogue of Satan, whose servants are turbulent and 
 noisy? Thy ministers preach for hire, friend, they take 
 tithes and offerings from the people, and how can they then 
 be ministers of Jesus Christ? I advise thee, friend Epis- 
 copalius, to consider thy ways, and turn to the light with- 
 in thee; then thy priests will let one shirt at a time serve 
 their turn, and will no longer preach for tithes and offer- 
 ings. Then shalt thou thyself be led to renounce the 
 fantasies of this vain life, and solicit neither for church 
 nor state preferment, but wilt content thyself with get- 
 ting money in a way of trade, like our self-denying breth- 
 ren. I say again, vain man, consider how worldly are 
 thy practices. 
 
 **As for you, my friends of the presbyterian and inde- 
 pendent denominations, I allow that ye do not conform 
 to the corrected mass-book, for which some praise is due 
 to you. But, alas! ye conform to the world, notwith- 
 itanding. Look ye, friends, your women wear ribboc* 
 
«02 DIALOGUES 
 
 of unholj colours: rings of gold, polluted bj the profane 
 hands of the silversmith; j'ea, ruffles, furbelows, and 
 heads frizzled up to an enormous height, of downright 
 French profaneness; jour women are ladies, madam?, 
 and misses, ail of which indicate that ye are destitute of 
 the inward power, and neglect to look to the light with- 
 in you. Yea, examine but your own clothes, ye who 
 call yourselves gentlemen, and see what irreligion dis- 
 covers itself in every part of their fabrication. Do you 
 see, friends, your parsons wear clothes of an idolatrous 
 black, and bands starched with superstition, after tha 
 manner of popish and episcopalian hirelings. Ye make 
 ministers sprinkle your infants, use ordinances, and like 
 all other worldlings, are as much attached to shadow?, 
 as if the substance were not to come; yea, your clothes 
 are made of unholj colours, such as are worn by the 
 servants of the flesh; je wear buttons, made of metal 
 digged out of the bowels of this sinful earth; even poc- 
 ket holes impiouslj gaping in the fore skirts of jour upper 
 garment; and to add to the height of jour carnalitj, jour 
 hats are wickedlj cocked, after the manner of the sons 
 of antichrist. 1 charge jou all, je presbjterians and in- 
 dependents, to turn to the light within jcu, and that will 
 lead JOU to the substance. Then will jou forsake all 
 these Ijing and w^orldlj vanities. 
 
 ''As for thee, mj friend Baptismus, (continued the 
 serious quaker,) thou art worse than all the rest; they 
 have given up some of the ordinances which were in use 
 in the apostles' dajs, but thou retainest every puncti- 
 lio; in this, therefore, thou art formal and superstitious. 
 Bj leading of people to submit to those primitive ordi- 
 nances, thou dishonourest the light within thee which 
 teaches those who obey it to despise ordinances, as 
 thou seest in the case of our brethren. Besides, thy 
 clothes are of a dark colour, like those of other hire- 
 lings and men-made preachers. Why dost thou not 
 imitate our elders in wearing cloth of a religious co- 
 lour, even of an holj drab? Observe me, friend, thy 
 hat is cocked after a popish manner, and thou wear- 
 est a button and loop upon it, after the fashion of an- 
 tichrist: Why hast thou not hooks and eyes to raise 
 it only to a half bend, after the manner of the spiritu- 
 al? 
 
OF DEVILS. 203 
 
 ^' It appears but too plainly, friend Baptismus, that thon 
 art still in the world. Thy preachers also wear popish 
 cambric on their bosoms, preach for hire, and assume the 
 epithet of reverend. Thee and thy friends maiv.e a migh- 
 ty bustle about what thou callest the scripture. I pray 
 thee, friend, turn thee from that dead letter, to the author 
 of it within, so shalt thou be taught to contemn ordinan- 
 ces, as we do, and to give honour to none of thy fellow- 
 cj-eatures, how much soever it may be due. 
 
 '"But thou, my friend Wesley, comest more near to 
 the standard than any of thy neighbours. Thy priests 
 are not hirelings, having only food and raiment, and 
 thou wisely takest care of the rest. Neither are they 
 of human manufacture, but are all like unto our elders, 
 Fent forth by special commission from heaven, from 
 whence thou sayest that thou derivest thy own commis- 
 sion. 
 
 *'Thou preachest the free agency of man also, and 
 ghuttest none out from heaven, besides those who will 
 not fulfil thy conditions, or, as our elders say, refuse to 
 obey the dictates of the true light within them. Never- 
 theless, thou fallest short of perfection; for though thou 
 despisest the bishops as dumb dogs, thou art mighlily ta- 
 ken with the steeple-house; and, although thou thyself 
 wilt be subject to no ordinance but what thou think est 
 meet, thou superstitiously bindest both thy preachers and 
 people to the observance of every rite of what thou cal- 
 lest the church. I pray thee, friend John, why dost thou 
 pinch thy belly on Fridays? What seest thou in the fifth 
 hour more than in the ninth, that thou shouldest set it 
 apart for what thou callest devotion? Why shouldest 
 thou exhort thy preachers to read the scriptures with thj 
 notes, to read thy other tracts in preference to all others, 
 to pray at certain hours, as if the spirit were at their 
 cotnmand, and to pVeach twice every day of their lives? 
 Thou art too formal, friend, and regardest not duly the 
 light that is within thee.'" 
 
 Infidelis. And so your friend, the quaker, is pleased 
 to tell all the world, that he is possest of the spirit of bi- 
 gotry and self-conceit. However, he is not the only bi- 
 got in the world. Bigotry is an epidemical distemper 
 among mankind, and 1 know no greater bigots than the 
 people who profess to be the warmest votaries for unli- 
 
204 DIALOGUES 
 
 mlted charity. "Who was ever more bigoted than friend 
 Barclay and his quakin;^ brethren? Or who in the world 
 is more bigoted and aoomatical at this day, than the 
 reverend principal of the Foundry, that great votary 
 for universal redemption, and the spontaneous agency 
 of men. So very highly is this gentleman esteemed, 
 by many of his people, that I have heard his labours ex- 
 tolled above those of Paul the apostle; and indeed him- 
 self accounted to be one of the two witnesses, spoken of 
 in the apocalypse. But in this they must be mistaken, 
 unless by sackcloth, in which the witnesses prophecied, 
 we are to understand prunella; for in black prunella, in* 
 stead of sackcloth, has all the prophecies of Mr. Joha 
 been published. 
 
 DisooRDANS. My friend, the quaker, having triumph- 
 antly surveyed the supposed imperfections of his neigh- 
 bours, turned the telescope towards himself; then, ga- 
 thering his muscles into a smile of self complacency, ha 
 said, Yea, it is evident that I am a true follower of tha 
 light within, for I give honour to no man, how much so- 
 ever it is his due; prince and peasant, noble and igno- 
 ble, are all the same to me, my fellow creatures and 
 equals. In farther obedience to the inward light, I do 
 not pray, not once in seven years, unless moved by an 
 impulse from the spirit. My inward bible I often read; 
 but the dead letter of external scripture I leave to thosa 
 •who are fond of shadows. My raiment too is all mad© 
 of an approved colour, even of sanctified drab; and my 
 linen is plain, though fine and neatly dressed. Yea, and 
 Martha, my good wife too, is separated from the world, 
 and is a suitable help-mate to a spiritual man; she wears 
 BO furbelows, no prufiuie cardinal*, capuchins, domino*, 
 &c. but all hi r apparel is rich, good and plain, becoming 
 a separation from the world. 
 
 Infideus. With (he quaker's good leave, I think tbo 
 faults he finds in his n-jighbours, are like gnats when 
 compared to the huge camels, which to my certain know- 
 ledge he himself can swallow without straining. Beside<=, 
 the virtues of which he makes his boast, even supposin;; 
 them to be virtues, are all external, and are no more than 
 tithes paid of anise, mint and cummin, whilst the weigh- 
 tier matters of the law are neglected, perhaps even by 
 this precisian. 
 
OF DEVILS. 205 
 
 AvARo. I have often wondered what it is that makes 
 a drab colour more religious and becoming than ano- 
 ther; yet certainly it must be so, for the quakers are 
 wise, very wise, and could not be imposed on, as every 
 tradesman who deals with them is ready to testify. — 
 Amongst my disciples 1 have heard amazing accounts of 
 the wisdom of the quakers, and the use they are of, in 
 teaching even novices wisdom, by their provident exam- 
 ple. However, I have as much wondered v/hat the pa- 
 pists, episcopalians, and every other sect of professors, 
 discern so amiable and lovely in black, as to induce 
 them to make it a canonical colour; and almost, if not 
 altogether, essential to the ministration of the word.-^ 
 No doubt they have heard that Beelzebub is said to be 
 drest in raiment of the deepest black; and one would 
 wonder they should desire their ministers to be clothed 
 in the same uniform, seeing they professedly have de- 
 clared war against him and all his principalities. Yet 
 so it is; for any other than dark-coloured clothes upon 
 a minister, would frighten an auditory out of their 
 pews, and the best of sermons would not be worth hear- 
 ing, if the preacher were not invested in the sacerdotal 
 livery. 
 
 Fastosus. It is I, my friends, even I, who am at 
 the bottom of that religious whim. But for me, white 
 would be thought to become the pulpit as well as black, 
 and green would be as holy as grey. I call it whim, be- 
 cause the greatest of the Nazarenes, in ancient times, 
 knew no colour which was more holy than the rest; and 
 the same clothes in which the apostle Paul made his tents, 
 served him as canonical robes, in which he also preached 
 the gospel. By this you may see that my influence is 
 very extensive, even in religious things. 
 
 Impiator. What, uncle, had not Paul a gown and cas- 
 sock, in which he preached, and a surplice in which he 
 offered up his prayers? 
 
 Fastosus. No, Impiator. Where should he have 
 them.'^ You may know that the gown, surplice, &c. 
 were contrived by the man of sin, I mean the sons of 
 perdition, whose principal seat is at Rome; but in the 
 days of the apostles he was not revealed, notwithstand- 
 ing the mvstery of popish doctrine had indeed began 
 18 
 
206 DIALOGUES 
 
 to work. But all this while we forget our good friend 
 the quaker. 
 
 Infidelis. Indeed, brother, we do not use the quaker 
 handsomely in so long neglecting of him; but to make 
 him some amends, I must tell you, that I have often 
 laughed heartily to hear those precise gentry exclaim 
 against the form of religion adhered to by others, as 
 if they themselves were nothing but spirit, when at the 
 same time they are as formal a people as any upon 
 earth. And in truth very few of them know any thing 
 at all of religion, besides that very imperfect form which 
 they have adopted. But we are wise enough to keep 
 our thumb upon that; for if the cheat were discovered, 
 I am afraid they would be glad to embrace that part of 
 the form of religion which they reject, in order to obtain 
 the power of it, of which the far greater part of them now 
 are destitute. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. I can tell you, the quakers are liberal- 
 ly paid back in their own coin. And amongst every 
 sect of protestants hitherto mentioned, you will find 
 some who seldom or never look at the people called 
 quakers but through my telescope. "Were you by, 
 when the quaker is examined by the rest of the pro- 
 testants, you would almost split your sides with laugh- 
 ing at their partiality and unfair representation. Say 
 they, "the quakers' religion lies all in their dress, 
 speech, and money getting. Their religion lies not in 
 the head, but in broad-brimmed half-cocked hats. Not 
 in their hearts, but in their coats. Not in their actions, 
 but in their tongues. All their public meetings are cal- 
 culated to promote the great end of getting money, 
 and increasing commerce; are not religious but merely 
 political." 
 
 By this you may see, that the quakers are abused 
 and belied in their turn, as well as they abuse and belie 
 others. The above reflections are just enough when ap- 
 plied only to some, or to a great many of them, but will 
 by no means hold as a general rule; seeing you all know, 
 there is now and then a quaker who breaks away from 
 his subjection to the god of this world; and despising all 
 that we and our sable clan can do to prevent it, get safe 
 within the palace of Immanuel. Moreover, there are, 
 at those public meetings, some, though comparatively few, 
 
OF DEVILS. 207 
 
 who have a truly religious design in giving their attend- 
 ance. From these things you may see, my friends, that 
 prejudice deals all in extremes, and knows not how to 
 speak favorably. 
 
 IxFiDELis. That it is a gross mistake, into which 
 we have with great vigilance ensnared the posterity of 
 Adam. When a small number only, of any particu- 
 lar body of people, are found guilty of a certain evil, 
 the crime is usually charged upon the whole; and the 
 precipitate and injudicious conclusion is, "They are all 
 alike." For instance, the Munster baptists were once 
 guilty of certain outrages, with which the whole sect of 
 antipedobaptists are to this day very charitably calumni- 
 ated. And because very many of the quakers are ama- 
 zingly wise to get money, and to keep it when it is pro- 
 cured, it is often said they are all such, and that Avaro 
 IS their lawgiver. 
 
 Hey day, whither is the rule of moral equity gone, 
 that the professors of religion cannot set their eyes 
 upon it? Where is that candour and benevolence, 
 which the christian religion every where recommends, 
 that you, cousin, have gained such an ascendancy over 
 them? 
 
 DiscoRDAKs. By the instrumentality of these glasses, 
 I got the preachers of salvation by grace, traduced as 
 Antinomians, and the doctrines of the word of God 
 bespattered as so many sources of licentiousness. For 
 instance, the preacher, as his duty is, declares, " That 
 salvation is not of works, but grace;" and may thus 
 reason with the people: ''You can do nothing that will 
 recommend you to the favour of God; the Ethiopian 
 may change his hue, and the leopard his spots, as soon 
 as you, who are accustomed to do evil, can change your 
 own nature, and learn to do well: For it is not of works 
 of righteousness which ye have done, or can do, that 
 your salvation cometh; but merely by the calling of 
 free mercy." I instantly clap my telescope to the eye 
 of the legalist, and he exclaims, " What an enemy 
 to good works is this same wretched Antinomian? Ac- 
 cording to him, we may as well do nothing as strive 
 to procure the favour of God; may as well lead lives 
 t}\e most vile and profligate, as study to live righteous- 
 ly and holily; for, according to this same preacher, 
 
208 DIALOGUES 
 
 our wickedness is as acceptable to God, as our most 
 holy and virtuous living. Yea, more acceptable; for he 
 declares, that harlots and publicans shall enter into the 
 kingdom of heaven, sooner than those who do what they 
 can to procure eternal life by their holiness and good 
 works." 
 
 Such is the language, not only of the vulgar and ig- 
 norant, but of many who profess to know much of reli- 
 gion. Whenever the self-sufficient Arminius is in the 
 humour to try the doctrines of the gospel in my invert- 
 ing mirror, and the preachers of them in my partial tel- 
 escope, he very candidly and with great liberality, be- 
 stows upon them such as the following reflections: 
 "These wretched Calvinists represent the Almighty 
 God as a partial and unmerciful being, who hides his 
 gospel and withholds his grace from men of virtue, wis- 
 dom, and prudence, whilst he reveals himself to the most 
 notorious transgressors. They say, that a man of a regu- 
 lar inoffensive life may perish forever, when a murderer, 
 like Manasseh, a polluted prostitute, as Magdalen, and a 
 wicked oppressor, like Zaccheus, shall be saved. If this 
 is true then we had better live notoriously wicked, than 
 sober, righteous and godly lives. What wretched, what 
 dangerous doctrine is this? They make God to be the 
 author of sin too; for they say that nothing comes to pass 
 but by divine appointment or permission. They talk al- 
 so of some horrible decree, in which God is said to have 
 ordained the things which are coming and shall come. 
 No need of holiness, if salvation is not of him that wil- 
 leth; no need of diligence, if it is not of him that run- 
 neth, but to whom the Almighty showeth mercy. If 
 God hath mercy only upon whom he will have mercy, 
 and hardeneth whom he will, we may live as we please; 
 for if we are to be saved, we shall not be damned. What 
 diabolical doctrine is this?"* Thus the Arminian raves 
 against the doctrine of the scripture, and all its faithful 
 preachers. 
 
 * These devils. I perceive, are not very exact in literally copying 
 the expressions, but content themselves with expressing the spirit of 
 preachers and writers. If any reader should think that Discordans 
 does injustice to the Arrainians here, he may be satisfied of the con- 
 trary, by consulting Sellon against Coles. Fletcher's defeoce oC 
 Wesley's minutes 
 
OF DEVILS. 209 
 
 Impiator. I praj you, cousin, who are these same 
 Arrainians? You know I am but little conversant with 
 religious people, of any name. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. The papists in general, cousin; and 
 all the unconverted, who have any notion at all about re- 
 demption through the blood of Christ. Mr. Wesley 
 and his followers, the Baxterians and Neonomians.: for 
 none exceed them in enmity against the purity of doctrine. 
 Thus you may see, that the Arminian party is by far the 
 most numerous, and most honourable among men, and 
 therefore gains proselytes from all quarters. Though, 
 by the wsl}\ it is a pretty strong proof that it is the doc- 
 trine of antichrist, seeing Immanuel and his doctrines are 
 every where spoken against, by men of philosophy and na- 
 tural religion. 
 
 Infidelis. You know, cousin Discordans, that we 
 have found out many ways of opposing the pure gos- 
 pel, and this is one among the rest; under our influ- 
 ence, the grace abusing libertine censures the true 
 Christian as legal, because he strenuously pleads for 
 purity of heart and regularity of conversation. On the 
 other hand, the real legalist, whether he be Socinian 
 or Arminian, alleges, that the evangelical Christian is 
 an Antinomian, because he utterly disclaims the merit 
 of good works in the business of salvation. Indeed, 
 on all hands, those who choose either of the extremes, 
 never fail to censure such as adhere to the middle 
 path of judgment; which you know is the only path of 
 safety. 
 
 Fastosus. Your observation, brother, fulfils what is 
 written in Immanuel's own word, concerning these 
 same Nazarenes, ''As for this sect, it is every where 
 spoken against." However the enemies of true reli- 
 gion differ among themselves, they agree in stigma- 
 tizing the real Christian. Belarmine, Pucksius, Hu- 
 berus, Hemengius, &c. holy fathers of the Romish 
 church, heartily belaboured them in their days; Dr. 
 Whitby, John Goodwin, Whiston, &c. of the English 
 church, have carried on the dispute with equal warmth, 
 and improved the same chain of arguments against 
 them in latter days; in the present time Dr. Harwood 
 of Bristol, Mr. Wesley of London, Mr. Sellon of 
 Derbyshire, and Dr. Nowel of Oxford, have manag- 
 18* 
 
210 DIALOGUES 
 
 ed the popish cause with amazing address, and all the 
 while pass for true protestants. So that every where, 
 that gospel which is suited only to the perishing sinner, 
 is spoken against, as pernicious and subversive of holi- 
 ness. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Our friends, the men of this world, al- 
 ways view the sect of the Nazarenes in mj glasses, and 
 as thej look on them, they say, '' What a despicable 
 tribe is this? A set of mean, beggarly people, the ott- 
 scourings of the earth, and the very dregs of humanity. 
 Not a person of any considerable rank among them. — 
 Led by the nose by a set of illiterate dogmatical fisher- 
 men. ^yhat person, possessed of any sense of honour, 
 would frequent their assemblies, or have any connexion 
 with their societies:*' 
 
 Infidelis. Your remarks are very just, my worthy 
 cousin; for mankind in general have forgotten that the 
 scripture says, "Not many wise men after the ilesh, not 
 many noble are called; but God hath chosen the foolish 
 things of this world to confound the wise, and the weak 
 things of the world to confound the mighty.-' So that 
 the very objections raised against them, prove the Naza- 
 renes to be the people whom Immanuel hath redeemed 
 out of the world. 
 
 DrscoRDANs. True, sir, but they see not the mistake. 
 But to proceed; my instruments further represent them, 
 as a set of hollow hearted hypocrites, whom our people 
 thus deride. *^ What painted deceivers are these, who 
 make such a stir about religion, and affect such an 
 air of sanctity.'* Hear how they sigh and whine, whilst 
 that rogue of a fanatic tells them his cant story about 
 I know not what. The scripture says, "Be not right- 
 eous overmuch; seek not to be overwise." And I dare 
 say that we have as much religion as they, though we 
 do not make such a stir about it. I will warrant me 
 these hypocrites are more wicked in private than we are 
 in public; for, although they will not get drunk, curse 
 and swear, as we do, they will cheat and lie like the de- 
 vil himself." 
 
 Fastosus. A demonstrative proof of the perfection of 
 our conquest over them; for mankind in general do not 
 00 ly hate godliness itself, but even its appearance. And 
 
OF DEVILS. fiU 
 
 for this reason true sanctity, devotion, and self-denial are 
 commonly censured as hypocrisy. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. As our good friends of the world are not 
 as yet perfectly agreed in their manner of aspersing good 
 people, it happens that different people pursue different 
 methods, equally absurd and diabolical. Some, for in- 
 stance, are pleased to say, " These people are melan- 
 choly. See how they hang down their heads, like bul- 
 rushes, as they pass along the streets. One shall never 
 see them look pleasant, nor hear them sing a merry song, 
 as others occasionally do with innocence. I hate that re- 
 ligion which makes people melancholy." 
 
 Infidelis. People greatly betray their own ignorance 
 when they assign the cause of melancholy to the religion 
 of Jesus; the end of which is to revive and comfort thtt 
 melancholy sinner, whose heart is oppressed with a sense 
 of guilt and defilement. To revive the spirit of the 
 contrite, to bind up the broken hearted, and to make the 
 lame leap for joy, because they obtain the prey. Nor do 
 those revilers of religion consider that they themselves, 
 by their contempt of Christianity, do all they can to 
 excite the grief of the sincere Christian, who cannot see 
 his fellow sinners walking jocosely in the paths of per- 
 dition, without dropping over them a tear of commisera- 
 tion. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. No, they never think of the real cause, 
 but, with a disdainful sneer, continue to say, *' See how 
 they melt in sorrow; hark how they sigh and groan, 
 whilst their artful parson tells them a horrible story 
 about death and judgment, heaven and hell, salvation 
 and damnation, with I know not what. They are 
 driven out of their senses with such terrible doctrine. 
 — Who would thus subject his conscience to the pe- 
 dantry of these enthusiastic bigots, their uncharitable 
 parsons?" 
 
 Fastosus. The fashionable part of the world hate to 
 think of death or judgment, because the very thought 
 would deprive their beloved pleasures of all their imagi- 
 nary sweetness. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. That is just the case, sir; for another of 
 my friends says of the above people, " These ways, which 
 their parsons teach them, are enough to drive a man out 
 
212 DIALOGUES 
 
 of his senses. "What man of spirit could endure restraint 
 from all manner of pleasure? According to them, one 
 must not so much as play at cards, spend a cheerful 
 evening at the tavern, nor so much as take a Sunday's 
 airing. Play-houses, balls, and assemblies, must all be 
 laid aside. And pray how is our time to be spent? Read 
 the Bible, truly, the most tiresome of books; pray the 
 one half of their time, and, for aught I know, hear ser- 
 mons the other half of it. What person of any taste 
 could bear to be bound to the observance of such mea- 
 sures? Let them read the Bible who will; give me a 
 jjood play or novel, I will have none of their religion, 
 not L" 
 
 Infidelis. It is true, plays and novels are light read- 
 ing, and well suited to tlie taste of people abandoned to 
 dissipation. Nevertheless, even people of fashion may, if 
 they please, reflect, that reading the scriptures, praying, 
 and hearing sermons, are subjects unfit for their ridicule; 
 though, by the way, I do all I can to promote this irre- 
 ligion. 
 
 Fastosus. And as for me, I hold it good we visit our 
 respective divisions, to see that the works of darkness 
 be not neglected, and that we meet here at the usual 
 
OF DEVILS. 213 
 
 DIALOGUE XY. 
 
 ALL THE DULOGEANS PRESENT 
 
 Privt to their appointment, I watched in my solitary 
 retreat, impatient for the return of the black fraternity, 
 whom I always found extremely punctual among them- 
 selves, and observant of every appointment, unless 
 some very urgent business demanded their presence 
 elsewhere. At the hour appointed they arrived at the 
 place of rendezvous, and having seated themselves 
 on their respective thrones, the conversation was open- 
 ed by 
 
 Fastosus. I have been thinking of the stupidity and 
 ignorance of mankind, exhibited in our last interview, 
 and cannot but wonder, however dark and blind, they do 
 not see that the very people whom they censure as ene- 
 mies to holiness, because they oppose salvation by works, 
 are the same identical persons who are said to be melan- 
 choly with being righteous overmuch. Reason, even un- 
 assisted, might easily discover the palpable absurdity, and 
 for the future avoid a contradiction so glaring. I would 
 have my slaves consistent with themselves, seeing I have 
 given them the name of rationalists. But error will al- 
 ways be inconsistent. However, Discordans, we will 
 leave the blind sons of infidelity to hug themselves in 
 their fancied rationality, and attend to the remainder of 
 your story. 
 
 Discordans. My sire, I am all obedience to him who 
 alone could give me being; and, to resume the thread of 
 my story, would observe. That, strange as it may seem, 
 I do, by the help of these amazing glasses, make one 
 eA'angelical minister quarrel with another, and that merely 
 because they do not understand each other's manner of 
 expression. One man, for instance, will have it that Im- 
 manuel obtained his personality by eternal generation^ 
 another will have it to be by divine filiation; and another 
 still is content to believe him to be the only begotten of 
 the Father, without attempting to explain how, or in what 
 
214 DIALOGUES 
 
 sense, he is begotten or filiated. All of those three are 
 firm in the belief of Immanuel's sonship, his Deity, and 
 mediatorial capacity, as well as every doctrine of faith. 
 And yet, strange as it may seem, those very men shall be 
 so prejudiced against one another, that they cannot com- 
 fortably have fellowship together, but may even prove in- 
 jurious to each other's usefulness: And it may perhaps be 
 very difficult to determine which of the three discovers 
 most of a gospel spirit. Every one is in the right, and 
 infallibly assured that the other two ought to come into 
 his opinion. 
 
 It is the very same with respect to diversity of gifts. 
 One is led, in a peculiar manner, into the doctrines of 
 faith, well able to state, define, and defend them against 
 opposition. Another is widely led about in the wilderness 
 of temptation and affliction, by which he obtains peculiar 
 talents in comforting the distressed, and pouring oil into 
 the bleeding wounds of broken hearts. And a third is 
 kept on the mount of enjoyment: his heart is kept warm 
 by a sense of interest; by which enjoyment he is active 
 and lively in the work, a zealous promoter of practical 
 godliness. All of which gifts seem to be essentially ne- 
 cessary to a gospel minister, and are all by the same 
 spirit. And yet, would you think it, these very men shall 
 treat one another as unsound in the faith, in one sense or 
 other? The first is deemed a dead, dull, and useless 
 preacher, whilst, at the same time, he is effectually stop- 
 ping the mouths of gainsayers. The second, it is feared, 
 loves to be peculiar, and verges a little towards Antino- 
 mianism, notwithstanding many a feeble knee is strength- 
 ened by his ministry. And the third is a rambling in- 
 consistent preacher; notwithstanding, by his instrumen- 
 tality, many are brought to a sense of their sin and 
 danger. 
 
 Their quarrels are of great use to our government, as 
 they fail not to reproach Christianity, stumble the weak 
 believer, and grieve all good men. But this is not all. 
 You know that two men may have the self-same senti- 
 ments in religion, and yet one shall choose to express 
 himself in this manner, and another in that, which differ- 
 ence of expression only may be attended with very seri- 
 ous consequences, if candour is not present on the occa- 
 siou. This was the case with Trebonius and Theodoru*. 
 
OF DEVILS. 215 
 
 Theodorusheard Trebonius preach on a particular occa- 
 sion, found himself offended with some of his expressions, 
 and thought it his duty to make the preacher acquainted 
 with it as soon as possible. But as Trebonius has too 
 good an opinion of his own attainments easily to retract 
 a saying, he vindicated not only the doctrine, but the 
 mode of expression. Theodorus was now more than ever 
 persuaded that Trebonius was unsound in the faith, and 
 was not satisfied with verbally defending the truths of 
 the gospel, that is, his own sentiments, but commenced 
 a paper war with Trebonius. His apology for this step 
 was indeed artful, for he lugged in both Christ and re- 
 ligion into partnership with him, and under their autho- 
 rity, or pretended authority, he did what he could to 
 impeach the orthodoxy, and mar the usefulness of Tre- 
 bonius. 
 
 When Trebonius read the performance, he found him- 
 self ao;grieved5 and something within him being deeply 
 wounded, he resolved on retaliation. To work he goes: 
 First establishes his personal orthodoxy, which he also 
 called the gospel of Christ; then vindicated his own 
 proceedings, which, by an happy turn of thought, he 
 also linked with the honour of religion. Though the 
 truth is, neither the gospel of Christ nor the honour of 
 religion had any concern at all in the squabble. How- 
 ever, having first set himself and his doctrine in a re- 
 spectable point of view, he proceeded diligently to search 
 out and expose every blemish in the performance, and in 
 the end did as much for his brother as he before had 
 done for him. Thus those two champions for the gospel, 
 that is, for their own honour, went on exposing to the 
 public all they were acquainted with of each others weak- 
 nesses and folly; never once suspecting that by so doing 
 each was exposing his own want of wisdom, and a true 
 Christian spirit. Meanwhile the friends of both were 
 exceedingly concerned, and in Tain studied a reconcilia- 
 tion between them. But what pleasure did it afford 
 our society! And how did Ambitiosus and me, and other 
 jocular devils, laugh at their folly and childishne-- '— 
 From sources of no greater ;. iportance than this, I as- 
 sure you, most of the quarrels amongst professors arise. 
 But when the contention is once begun, it is hard to say 
 where it will end. By these means we get the affec- 
 
216 DIALOGUES 
 
 tions of Christians divided one from another; and in- 
 stead of being mutual helpers of each other, as the Al- 
 mighty designed them, we make them mutual hindrances 
 and burthens: so that, though we cannot indeed destroy 
 them as we would, we disturb and distract to an amazing 
 degree. 
 
 Fastosus. My son, you would have had, comparative- 
 ly, little advantage over these same people but for my in- 
 vention of school divinity. That is the great engine of 
 the devil Discordans. But for school divinity, you might 
 even have retired to hell, or contented yourself with 
 doing business among the laity, or in the unconverted 
 world; for if the professors of religion were content with 
 what is written in the scripture, and chose, as much as 
 possible, to express themselves in Bible language, there 
 would be such a likeness in expression, as well as senti- 
 ment, that veTy probably you would find little to do 
 amongst them. 
 
 IxFiDELis. I doubt it not, sir. Notwithstanding, I must 
 assure you, my kingdom has su3ered greatly by contro- 
 versy. For nothing has a more direct tendency to in- 
 form the mind than well managed controversy. But 
 v/hen it springs from blind prejudice, and is carried on in 
 a party spirit, it has a wonderful tendency to strengthen 
 my interest, especially if the contending parties mu- 
 tually agree to expose each other as much as possible, as 
 in the late squabble between Parson Home and Alder- 
 man AVilkes: and which is, for the most part, the prac- 
 tice of polemic divines. Those tvro important gentle- 
 men, the parson and patriot, gave as much pleasure to 
 the court party, by flinging rogue and atheist at each 
 other, with so much patriotic zeal, as some divines, in 
 their polemic writings, have given the devil, by throw- 
 ing heretic, Arminian, Calvinist. Antinomian. «&:c.in each 
 other's faces. Few divines can dispute without calling 
 uaines. 
 
 Discordans. I have before now stirred up a spirit of 
 jealousj" between a minister and his people, and between 
 one minister and another, in a manner inexpressibly 
 masterly. For example, about a century ago, the accu- 
 rate Camillus preached an excellent sermon at Potheina, 
 which was heard by several of the people to whom Ju- 
 nitts was pastor; and they, being greatly affected with 
 
OF DEVILS. £17 
 
 (he seasonableness of the subject, and the practical 
 manner in which it was handleti, invited Camillus to 
 visit them, and preach in Junius'a pulpit, not doubting 
 but it would be altogether agreeable to their beloved 
 pastor. Full of the sermon, when they came home, 
 thej could not help making Junius partaker of their 
 pleasure. They expatiated largely upon the excellency 
 of his method, the fertility of his illustration, and the 
 propriety of his application; all of which they did 
 not doubt but Junius would admire as much as them- 
 selves. But this was not precisely the case. Junius 
 could not help being sensibly affected with what he had 
 heard; but prudence forbid him to deny Camillus his 
 pulpit. 
 
 When retired, and reflecting on what had passed, he 
 strongly suspected that his own honour was injured, by his 
 people's high encomiums on Camillus's sermon. *'jMy 
 people, said he, allege they never heard such an excellent 
 Eermon as that which Camillus preached. It is some- 
 thing strange that this one sermon should affect them 
 more than all my seven years' preaching among them. I 
 never heard them say half so much about any sermon of 
 mine. It shows a great want of affection and respect to 
 me, as their own minister, 1 conceive; and they shall 
 hear of it at a time convenient." 
 
 Fastosus. With Junius's leave, I think he discovers a 
 love of praise, which is by no means the off'?pring of an 
 humble spirit. He would rather be flattered, than his 
 people should be silent in his commendation. But the 
 judicious seldom think it prudent to say much in praise 
 of any person to his face, how well soever they may be 
 affected towards him; and that for two very good rea- 
 sons. 1. Such commendation has not a little the ap- 
 pearance of flattery, honever sincere it may be in the 
 party who bestows it. 2. There are but few who are 
 able to bear much commendation, without sustaining 
 damage by it. A man must be led deeply into an ac- 
 <juaintance with his own nothingness and insufficiency, 
 before he can bear to be praised and caressed.* 
 
 * It is a very common thing, in gospel churches, that if they 
 have a member of more usefulness than others, they exalt and ex- 
 tol him above his measure, so that he becomes elated with self-con- 
 ceit; and in the issue, when he cannot carry every point his own 
 19 
 
S18 DIALOGUES 
 
 Infidelis. That is true, brother; and yet people may 
 err even on that hand, and be cautious overmuch; for, fear 
 of puffing him up by unseasonable commendation, may 
 depress the spirits of their minister, by withholding from 
 him that countenance and encouragement which his spirit 
 and circumstances require. 
 
 People are, in all things, given to extremes; and either 
 a minister is carest and almost adored as an unparalleled 
 person, or he has little or no notice taken of him. I 
 remember a remarkable instance of this in the last cen- 
 tury. There was an independent church, who, having a 
 minister of a lively address, and sound doctrine, one 
 who bid fair for great usefulness among them; yet a li- 
 neal descendant of the great Diotrephes, who loved to 
 have the pre-eminence, and one who chose to direct them 
 in all the concerns of life, in their families, in their busi- 
 ness, as well as in the church. To his government they 
 yielded themselves implicitly, and almost adored the 
 ground upon which he trode. AVith caresses and favours 
 they loaded him, nntil they had raised him to the very 
 height of self-sufficiency and importance; from which 
 they themselves at last assisted to cast him down; and 
 the contempt they poured upon him pretty nearly e- 
 qualled their former caresses. After him they had an- 
 other, of an almost contrary disposition. He had but a 
 very mean opinion of his own abilities, either for preach- 
 ing or governing. He had such constant acquaintance 
 with the power of his own corruptions, that he was com- 
 monly low and depressed in spirit. He never assumed 
 any superiority over even the meanest member, firmly 
 believing himself to be the vilest and most unworthy 
 sinner of the whole community: he stood in need of all 
 encouragement possible, in order to hearten him for his 
 work. Yet the same people, who had destroyed the' 
 former with unseasonable kindness, suffered the latter 
 to drag on heavily all his days, so that from them he 
 seldom or never heard of his word having been made 
 useful; and I suppose must have sunk under his dis- 
 
 way, he turns against his former caressers, and becomes the scourge 
 of the community. In this the righteous judgment of God is ma- 
 nifest, who will have all men to appear in their native nothingness 
 and emptiness, unworthy of the trust and dependence of one 
 another. 
 
OF DEVILS. S19 
 
 couragements, if strangers, who afterwards came into 
 the church, had not been more free with him in discover- 
 ing some degree of aSectionate regard. Different spirits 
 will require different usage, in order to preserve their 
 usefulness: What was death to the former of those min- 
 isters, would have been life and vigour to the latter; and 
 what so exceedingly weakened the hands of the latter, 
 would in all probability have been the preservation of the 
 former. But we forget parson Junius, cousin. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Sir, Junius would have his own humour; 
 and, accordingly, when the time came that Camillus 
 made his visit, any person attentive to Junius's behaviour 
 might easily find that his friend's room would, to him, 
 have been more agreeable than his company, notwith- 
 standing, for decency^s sake, he forced himself to carry 
 it to him with some degree of seeming civility: 1 say 
 seeming, for even christian people have not as yet learn- 
 ed to be exactly, on all occasions, what they seem. But 
 Camillus is a sagacious man, and soon perceived Ju- 
 nius's coldness, through all his formal civility and seem- 
 ing deference, lie began to question with himself from 
 .whence this coldness might have proceeded? In what he 
 might have given offence? But never dreams that jealousy 
 is at the bottom. Is he not ofiended with my doctrine? 
 said he to himself. What can be the meaning of this 
 distant carriage of his? What have I done or said that 
 might give him umbrage? So Camillus reasoned, but 
 hit not upon the real cause. And as Camillus is some- 
 what fond of his own sentiments, though a man inferior 
 to few who are accounted good and religious, he could 
 not help being in doubt about the orthodoxy of his 
 friend. By these means, happily invented by me, this 
 well designed visit, instead of answering the valuable 
 ends of promoting religious friendship, rather tended, by 
 my intervention, to alienate their aftections from each 
 other. 
 
 Junius would still have his own humour, and from that 
 clay forward discovered a shyness to those who seemed 
 most delighted with Camillus; and when occasion offer- 
 ed, he did not spare bestowing on them what is called a 
 dry rub. 
 
 This was not all; for Junius could not leave his preju- 
 dice behind him when he went to the pulpit, where he 
 
£20 DIALOGUES 
 
 adapted his discourses accordinjilj. On the other haniT, 
 his people could easily see he was not in his usual spirit; 
 and thej concluded thatthej had given him no just cause 
 of often ce. 
 
 Mean while both parties mutually watched each other's 
 words and deportment. If Junius happened to speak 
 any thing harsh, either from the pulpit or in common 
 conversation, it was said to proceed from a bad spirit. 
 On the other hand, if any of them happened to object 
 to any thing spoken by him, he immediately concluded, 
 either that liis people were ])rejudiced against him, or 
 did not love sound doctrine; for lie had not a doubt of the 
 soundness and truth of his own doctrine. And so they 
 went on, until, in the issue, there was a final separation. 
 Behold, gentlemen, how great a fire a little spark of mj 
 nature kindleth. Every well-wisher to the Beelzebubian 
 government mujt acknowledge that the devil Discordans 
 merits great applause. 
 
 Fastosus. 1 speak for the rest, my son, and own that 
 your usefulness is of great extent. I persuade myself your 
 royal grandfather will well reward you, by giving you 
 eternal duration among the people of the nether regions; 
 for certainly your achievements merit the greatest esteem. 
 \Vhy, my son, you make the Nazarenes weak as other 
 men. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. After all, I assure you, at certain times, 
 I have hard work of it. I mean when Mr. Submission, 
 my avowed enemy, and me, happen to meet. This Sub- 
 mission is one of Immanuel's own children, a very great 
 peace- maker, therefore his business is directly opposite 
 to mine; and although I hate him, I must say he is one 
 of the meekest persons upon earth. Never is he known 
 to quarrel with any person, except myself. And 1 con- 
 fess, that in every scuffle with him hitherto I have had 
 the worst of it; but. I thank my stars, it is very seldom I 
 meet with him. When we do meet, meek as he is, I am 
 quite nonplussed, and am obliged either to flee, which I 
 abhor, or to fall before him, which is yet a greater morti- 
 fication to a spirit so noble as I am. 
 
 Infidelis. So then, cousin, I perceive you are as ill 
 put to it when you meet with Submission, as I am when 
 I encounter his elder brother Fides. Fides is a warrior 
 with whom 1 have maintained a very long, though not 
 
OF DEVILS. 221 
 
 doubtful war; not doubtful, because I am worsted assure 
 as ever I eater the lists witi) him. With great facility I 
 can overturn the power of every oiher heavenly chieftain; 
 but this fellow, this same Fides, is IirinianuePs champion, 
 and has performed the most unparalleled achievements; 
 such achievements as never were performed by any hero 
 besides liimself. He hath subdued king(h)ms, wrought 
 righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouti-.s of 
 lions, quenched the violence of fire, escaped tiie edge cf 
 the sword, out of weakness hath made people strong, 
 causing even from fainting to wax valiant in fight, turn- 
 ing to flight the armies of the aliens. He hatii given to 
 women their dead children again, sustained others under 
 the most cruel toitures, in such a mani^er, that they 
 would not accept of deliverance: gave a good report of 
 the promised laud, to those ancient worthies, who walk- 
 ed about in sheep skins and goat skins, destitute, afilicted, 
 and tormented, of whom, notwithstanding they lodged 
 in dens and caves of the earth, the world itself was un- 
 deserving. 
 
 These are a specimen of his achievements. But great 
 and heroic as he is, he finds that 1 aUo am of noble 
 deeds; a spirit not easily rendered inactive, and more 
 difficult still entirely to subdue. Although he has the 
 promise of the most complete victory in tlie end, I put 
 him to exert his utmost; for when, to appearance, 1 am 
 dead as a pebble, and Fides has the sole pre-eminence 
 in the soul of man, I play reynard with him, and 
 feign myself dead, in order to escape the vengeance of 
 his arm. 
 
 in time he finds out my deceit; for T watch the oppor- 
 tunity when he is in the very heiglit of a paroxysm, and 
 can scarcely breathe. He is exceedingly troubled widi 
 fits, which will sometimes hold him for a lor.g time to- 
 gether, and in which you would take him to be wholly 
 dead. Then I take the advantage, and rise upon hini 
 with all my powers, and beat and bruise him, until life 
 begins to return, which is not always of a sudden. But 
 when he feels the weight cf my arm, and the smart of the 
 wounds v^'hich I inflict on him, his spirit returns to re- 
 newed vigour; he unlocks the magazines of grace, and 
 brings forth such implements of war as 1 am [!ot able to 
 stand against; so that before he is well out of his ui he is 
 
222 DIALOGUES 
 
 a3 strong as ever. At other times he is a long while be- 
 fore he is freed from the effects of his tits; weakness, in- 
 disposition, and langour, hang upon him for many months; 
 at which time he receives no mercy at the hand of Infi- 
 delis. 
 
 This fellow is of the most amazing constitution; for 
 whereas, on one hand, idleness never fails to throw him 
 into a lethargy, so, on the other, hard labour, severe 
 conflicts, and cruel buffetings, never fail to make him 
 strong and vigorous; and what is very remarkable in it- 
 self, but very unlucky for me, is, that the more he is 
 beaten and bruised, the stronger he grows; and these 
 fits, in which you would take him to be just a dying, 
 it is said, only tend to make him the more robust and 
 lively; which is the reason that, although I frequently 
 put him to great pain, I am always uiacomiited in the 
 issue. 
 
 However, gentle friends, you must allovr, when circum- 
 stances are considered, my vulour will, at least, tqual, if 
 not prove superior, to that of Fides. He fights under a 
 certain assurance of victory, and knows, of a truth, that 
 in the end he shall be more than conqueror; I as well 
 know that I shall be discomfited, which would dishearten 
 any besides myself. Yet, notwithstanding the discour- 
 agement, I give him many a vigorous turn for it ere I 
 desist, and foully trip up his heels oftener than thrice. 
 Even when I have him down, sprawling and gasping for 
 life, I am conscious he will afterwards renew his strength, 
 and give me a most severe drubbing; and that his victo- 
 rious hand shall, in the end, put a period to the days of 
 great Infidelis. Yet this nobie principle of royal malice 
 prompts me on, and I will not yield a hair's breadth 
 whilst life endures. O the fearful combats 1 could relate 
 which I have had with this heavenly champion, this same 
 Fides! 
 
 Fastosus. We shall be glad to hear of them, my 
 brother, at another time; but at present, if agreeable, [ 
 should like you to resume the story, part of v/hich we 
 have already had, respecting the progress of your king- 
 dom. 
 
 Infidelis. You have already heard how agreeable to 
 his holiness my instructions were, as also of the laws by 
 which the whole system of religion was inverted, and 
 
OF DEVILS. S2S 
 
 how the pirtus priest had invested himself with the per- 
 fections of Deitj. 1 knew that the introduction of this 
 new Christianity might be attended with some difficulty, 
 therefore advised his holiness, the father of the world, to 
 deify some others as well as himself; but, at the same 
 time, lest his supremacy should be in any wi^e infringed, 
 to take care tha.t none should be deilied until after iheir 
 death, and that only with an inferior rank of godship. 
 He took my advice, canonized a vast number under the 
 title of saints, and ordained masses to be said to them 
 out of his own newly composed Bible: For the old 
 Bible, in use anions; primitive Christians, having its 
 laws so contrary to those of the pope, was, by his au- 
 thority, made null and void; and Rome, once the mis- 
 tress of the world, became the mother of harlots; once 
 more the seat of paganism. But, for distinction's sake, 
 we call the latter Christian-pagans; because they exer- 
 cise all their villany under the specious show of Chris- 
 tianity. 
 
 In order to support the Christian pantheon worship, 
 slaughter-houses were built, and called holy inquisitions; 
 where every one who vv'as known to deny the supremacy 
 and infcdlibility of his holiness the pope, or so much as 
 harbour a suspicion concerning the papal faith, was treat- 
 ed with as little mercy as if he had been in hell. By 
 these means people were kept in the most dreadful awe; 
 so that if any man happened to be intelligent enough to 
 see through the cheat, he v/as obliged to keep his mind 
 to himself, well knowing that one word spoken against 
 the lucrative faith of the priests would have ensured his 
 certain death, by means t'ne most barbarous and cruel. 
 By this anuazing subtility of priestcraft, with the ut- 
 most security they carried on their villany, under the 
 mask of sanctity, for many centuries, and all Europe 
 trembled at the indignation of the priesthood. For by 
 means of my brother's medals, and titles of ecclesiastical 
 dignity, together with my blinding influence, the va- 
 rious orders of reverend fathers clave as fast to his holi- 
 ness, as scales to one another on the impenetrable back 
 of leviathan. 
 
 Yet, terrible as the priesthood were, they could not to- 
 tally prevent the light of the gospel shining, less or more, 
 in some parts of Christendom, especially in Britain,"^ 
 
£34 DIALOGUES 
 
 where Wlckllffe and his disciples gave their reverence§ 
 no small uneasiness; for which they poured vengeance 
 upon his bones fortj years after his demisie. This same 
 scripture light, kindled in England by Wickliffe-s min- 
 istry, spread itself to the continent, where first John 
 Huss and Jerome of Prague galled the sides of popish 
 prelates; for which the very pious council of Constance 
 first recommended them to the care of the devil by ex- 
 communication, and then, in the name of the God of 
 mercy, condemned them to be burned to death for be- 
 lieving tlie Bible. It is amazing to think with what dex- 
 terity they have lugged in the name of the Almighty, to 
 EancVify their murders on all occa*^ions. 
 
 About a century after tliis, a very strict inquiry after 
 truth be^an, by the instrumentality of John Calvin and 
 Martin Luther, two avowed enemies to popish wicked- 
 ness. This revival of religion was very alarming to the 
 priests of Rome, and very injurious to my government 
 His infallible holiness, insti^iated by the devil Crudelis, 
 A'oted their immediate destruction, by tire ami fagot, by 
 poison, assassination, or any way; for there is nothing 
 dreaded by this same vicar of Christ, so much as the 
 spreading of gospel knowledge. 
 
 These measures, however, I withstood; having, from 
 past experience, found that coercive measures are by no 
 means the most likely to reduce professors of religion to 
 the obedience of infidelity: and I thought it better to 
 send the devil Discordans to visit them., with instructions 
 to make them quarrel about the forms of religion. Thii 
 I took to be the most likely method to invalidate the 
 testimony of both, and to bafHe and confound their fol- 
 lowers. This was done, and they jarred exceedingly 
 about circumstantials; but do what we would, they 
 spake of the doctrines which are absolutely necessary to 
 salvation with perfect uniformity, which greatly frus- 
 trated our dark designs; and this fire of reformation, so 
 lately fanned, bv degrees spread itself on the Continent, 
 and *in Groat Britain, where it arose ia the days of 
 Wickliffe. 
 
 The pope and me, being loth to give up the govern- 
 ment we hai always been accustomed to have in thesa 
 nations, did what we could to stifle the reformation: Bat, 
 alas! it went on with rapidity in the days of Edward, 
 
OF DEVILS. 225 
 
 and might have made greater advances than It has ever 
 yet done, if, luckily fur his holiness and me, that prince 
 had not been taken awav in early life. Mary, being a 
 princess just fitted to our turn, no sooner ascended the 
 throne, than I flew to England, accompanied by the 
 devil Crudelis, resolving, at all events, to crush with 
 oppression all who rebelled against me and his holi- 
 ness. To this salutary purpose were transported, from 
 the pope's arsenal, abundance of hempen cord, and 
 fagots beyond number, that we might obli^re the people 
 to renounce Jesus Christ, and worship his Romish infal- 
 libility. 
 
 There were, in those days, two lusty bisliops, right 
 reverend tyrants of the devil, Bonner of London, and 
 Gardiner of Winchester, who hearing of our arrival, 
 came, Equipped in their prelatic robes, to do us greet- 
 ing, and bid us welcome to the Biitish shore. This 
 brace of right reverend prelates we appointed prime in- 
 quisitors in matters of faith, and principal agents of our 
 intended cruelty. Indeed none that ever sustained the 
 office of priest ever were more trusty friends to the 
 government of Rome and hell than were those worthj 
 prelates. 
 
 The vigilant devil Crudelis ceased not, day or night, 
 from persecuting the saint*, so that many of the ring- 
 leaders of the sect of the Nazarenes were apprehended, 
 tried, condemned, and tormented to death at a stake; 
 such as archbishop Craumer, bishops Hooper, Latimer, 
 Ridley, &c. But as it happened in former persecutions, 
 60 it fell out in this, the ashes of burned saints proved 
 such fertilizing manure to the church, thai, in defiance 
 both of hell and the pope, the detested Nazarenes be- 
 came by far more numerous. Wherefore, if our friend 
 Mary, of zealous and scarlet memory, had not been 
 summoned hence to receive her reward, the poor devil 
 Crudelis must necessai-ily have desisted, m.erely from in- 
 cessant and unsuccessful fatigue, and the Nazarenea 
 would have obtained rest solely from our desperation. 
 
 But when Immanuel beheld such havoc made of his 
 church, and so many places bathed with sanctified blood, 
 his wrath took the alarm; in his judgment, he cut down 
 the zealous queen and her tw(> trusty bishops, and raised 
 queen Betsy to the throne of England. Now the sword 
 
Zit DIALOGUES 
 
 of persecution was wrested from the hands of the papists, 
 and the good people of the church of England did for 
 the puritans what the zealous papists had done for them 
 during the reign of queen Mary. This same queen 
 Elizabeth was a great zealot for high church, and a 
 vigorous nurse of episcopacy: but the Brownists, and 
 other dissenters, felt the full weight of her regal venge- 
 ance. I hap])i!y prevailed, unexpectedly, with the di- 
 vines of the established church to retain the more re- 
 fined parts of the popish system, which those men, who 
 were for a more thorough reformation, both in doctrine 
 and discipline, could not comply with; and, for their 
 non-compliance, we taught them that the arm of epis- 
 copacy is every whit as heavy as that of popery, when 
 it is exerted for the good of the church. And, for my 
 own part, I prompted their reverences to coercive 
 measures, being very apprehensive that the reforma- 
 tion might have been carried on farther than it really 
 was. 
 
 AvARO. And I assure you I myself was not idle in 
 those days, but played my game into the hands of great 
 Infidelis. I met their lordships the prelates (I shall ne- 
 ver forget it) in full convocation, and reasoned with them 
 on the intended reformation, and unto my arguments 
 they lent a willing and attentive ear. '* Well, gentle- 
 men,*' said I, "do you intend to come to a thorough re- 
 formation then, and reduce Christianity to its primitive 
 simplicity? Have you ccin?idered, gentlemen, that in so 
 doing you must lose your princely revenues, and descend 
 to a level with plain Peter, Paul, and Barnabas, which 
 must needs be a very mortifying step to some of you. — 
 Recollect, I pray you, how long your present profits and 
 dignities have been enjoyed by your predecessors in your 
 several sees. Long before Christianity was known in 
 Britain, even beyond the ken of history, this nation w^as 
 divided, into the several bishoprics and archbishoprics by 
 you enjoyed. Through all the ages of popery, the same 
 division of the nation into archflaminries and" flaminries, 
 continued under their present denominations; and will 
 you discover such a degree of mortification, as to give up 
 the profits annexed to your ecclesiastical dignities.^ That 
 were to show, indeed, that protestant bishops have less 
 providence than pagan flamins. Yet, if you are deter- 
 
OF DEVILS. S&r 
 
 mined to purge your religion from every relict of poperj, 
 your profits, gentlemen, must be parted with, your reve- 
 nues must be enjoyed no more; and how will this be 
 relished by your" By such sensible and seasonable re- 
 monstrances I won greatly upon the minds of their lord- 
 shipsj and, in the issue, it was resolved, that rather than 
 part with their dignities and revenues, they should sub- 
 mit to many things, which have no foundation in scrip- 
 ture. 
 
 Fastosus. You bring to my mind, cousin Avaro, the 
 reception I met with by the dignitaries of the ancient 
 church, on the distribution of the forementioned medals. 
 I went, attired in my robes of state, to deliver one of my 
 archiepiscopalian medals to a certain priest, whom I in- 
 stantly created *' His grace and most reverend." He 
 mumbled over to himself several times, " most reverend, 
 his grace," viewing the medal with the closest attention. 
 It is, it is, said he, a very soft and agreeable mode of 
 address. Most reverend; his grace. Yes, my lord, said 
 I, it is very musical, and what I myself only am capable 
 of composing. A mode of address very becoming the 
 dignity of an archbishop. Humble preachers, such as 
 Peter, Paul, Timothy, and Titus, might be very welt 
 contented, without being their graces, and most reverend; 
 for they were not, as you are, courtiers, clothed in soft 
 raiment. But for a spiritual courtier, for the primate of 
 a province, to prostitute his name to vulgar mouths, 
 would be highly unbecoming, would greatly eclipse the 
 honours of your elevated station. '• But, worthy sir, re- 
 turned he, you know this is a very censorious world in 
 which we live, and some people may be wicked enough 
 to suppose that such a title as his grace does not so well 
 become a man whose breath is in his nostrils, and I may 
 be censured as ambitious." I hope, my lord, replied I, 
 you will not meditate too much on the gloomy subject of 
 mortality, or that will make your dignity cumbersome 
 indeed. Honours fade, sir, on the prospect of the grave. 
 As to your being censured, as proud and ambitious, I 
 hold the contrary; it will be deemed essential to your 
 high estate; and the use of the Bible being prohibited, 
 the laity will not know but your order is of apostolical 
 institution. Besides, there is my lord duke enjoys the 
 
t28 DIALOGUES 
 
 same title of address with your grace; so that, instead 
 of being censured as proud and anlichristian, all ranks 
 of people will revere you the more for it; especially as 
 it will make you a fit companion for princes. The no- 
 bility will consider you as their superior, inasmuch as a 
 spiritual duke is superior to a temporal; so that, in the 
 church, your seat will be next to the cardinal's, and in 
 the senate house, next to the prince liimself. The gentry 
 %vill f.iwn upon you, spaniel-like, in order to obtain pre- 
 ferment fur younger sons, and the vulgar will adore you 
 as a demi-god. 
 
 I would farther advise you, to lay aside preaching to 
 the vulgar race, and apply yourself wholly to affairs of 
 state, unless called to it, may be, once in seven years, to 
 preach to the king and his nobles. '' Aye, replied the 
 worthy prelate, but how shall I dispense with the obliga- 
 tions I am under, as a bishop, to meditate on these things, 
 to give myself wholly to the ministry of the word and 
 prayer: yea, to be instant in preaching the word, in sea- 
 son and out of season?" Oh, sir, replied I, you need be 
 under no concern about that. *^ Surely, sir, that is the 
 duty of a bishop," replied he. Yes, very true, said I; the 
 duty of bishops such as were in the apostles' days; such 
 bishops as are appointed in the New Testament. But 
 what has that to do with a diocesan bishop, or an arch- 
 bishop, of whom you yourself are the first. There were 
 none of them, you knov/, in the apostles' days; none ap- 
 pointed in the word of God. And therefore the laws 
 which bind scriptural bishops to obedience, can have no 
 manner of power over you, as diocesans; much less can a 
 metropolitan, such a bishop as the apostles never thought 
 of, be under any such injunctions. Surely your grace 
 must know that a lord bishop, or a gracious metropolitan, 
 must have enough to do without preaching the gospel. Yet 
 if these things are not sufficient to remove the scruples of 
 your mind, and you should still have a notion that preach- 
 ing is a duty incumbent on you, I can put you in a way to 
 satisfy your conscience, without abating any thing of your 
 greatness. 
 
 ** Pray, sir, be so kind," said he. May it please your 
 grace, replied I, it is neither more nor less than to preach 
 By pr»xy, as people plead their causes ia a court of judi- 
 
OF DEVILS. 229 
 
 eature. You know it is the same in effect, whether you 
 preach in person or by proxy, so that your numerous flock 
 have preaching enough. 
 
 Farther, with your grace's leave, I do not think it be- 
 coming your dignity even to say prayers in your own 
 family. How far beneath the character of such a spi- 
 ritual dignitary, to be down on his knees amidst his 
 servants, worshipping his maker I Let me advise you, 
 either to lay aside family worship altogether, or have it 
 performed by a cliaplain. This will have two very great 
 advantages attending it. 1. It will save your grace a 
 great deal of hard and unpleasant labour. And, 2. It 
 will make your grace's piety to be admired by the vulgar. 
 Methinks I hear one say to another, " What a good 
 man is my lord, the archbishop I For, although he is 
 too high for saying prayers himself, or has got so much 
 that he has no need to pray, he gives a good salary to 
 Mr. Honeylip, duly to perform the offices of religion in 
 his stead.*' 
 
 All this while the good archbishop continued absorbed 
 in thought, and, awaking as from a trance, he said, 
 with astonishment glowing on his countenance, " Sir, 
 you amaze me I vSo pertinent your counsel,* so per- 
 suasive your address. You have more than half brought 
 me over to your opinion, as my future conduct will tes- 
 
 tify.'\ 
 
 Having succeeded, even beyond expectation, with his 
 grace the archbishop, I waited immediately on all the 
 diocesans within the pontifical jurisdiction, and took 
 the most likely measures to bring them over to our in- 
 terest. 
 
 1. I persuaded them, as I had done the archbishop 
 before them, that the worldly grandeur with which I and 
 his holiness had invested them was certainly too heavy 
 a burthen for them to be able to ascend the pulpit stairs 
 above once or twice a year; and that even then it ought 
 not to be to preach to an ordinary congregation. 
 
 2. That they might discharge their duty, to the souls 
 within their respective dioceses, by providing vicars to 
 watch over them in their stead, in their several parishes 
 or divisions, that they might freely spend their time either 
 at the court of Rome, or at the courts of their several 
 princes, without sustaining loss at home. 
 
 20 
 
230 DIALOGUES 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Why, sir, according to your account, the 
 readiest way to stop the mouth of a noisy preacher, is to 
 make a bishop of him. 
 
 IxFiDELis. The only way in the world, cousin. Had 
 the king of England given a bishopric to the noisy White- 
 field, as he was advised to do by a certain nobleman, it 
 is unknown what mischief might have been prevented. 
 A bishopric would have done him more real injury, than 
 if all the bishops in England had written against him. 
 
 You remember well, how Dr. D d once threatened our 
 
 ruin, and promised fair for doing a mischief to our govern- 
 ment; until our happy stars fixed him in a prebend's stall, 
 
 and a r 1 chaplainship; since which time he has been 
 
 quiet enough, and his people sleep on and take their rest 
 securely. 
 
 Fastosus. Having secured both orders of popish bish- 
 ops, I took care to establish deans, abbots, monks, friars, 
 vicars, chaunters, prebendaries, canons, minor canons, 
 &.C. &:c. From thence I proceeded to persuade the high- 
 er orders of clergy, to encourage plurality of livings, 
 well knowing that if a country vicar could but procure a 
 fat and fruitful benefice, he would even imitate his 
 betters, and preach as little as possible. I have often, 
 with great pleasure, observed, that if a benefice exceed- 
 ed two hundred pounds per annum, the poor vicar, who 
 enjoys it, finds himself very unable to preach, and is 
 therefore obliged to hire a journeyman, to whom he leaves 
 the bulk of his business. By these means, we got curates 
 introduced into the church; a set of gentlemen sold to 
 slavery and inured to poverty, not for want of parts and 
 learning, nor always for want of piety, but for want of 
 what is by far more necessary to preferment, a patron. 
 A journeyman weaver, watch-maker, or cabinet-maker, 
 can aflbrd a better table than many a gentleman, who 
 lacks nothing but a patron, to make him equal to the very 
 first of bishops. 
 
 Happily, it just answered our desire, and was not long 
 before a sharp conflict between the vicars and curates 
 ensued. As it is not without a vein of drollery, I shall 
 give you a sketch of it. There was a certain vicar, who 
 having obtained a living of about 8001. a year, called his 
 curate to him one day, and thus addressed him: **Mr. 
 Curate, I am now in a station which will admit but of 
 
OF DEVILS. 23 1 
 
 littie preaching: I must therefore get you to take that part 
 of tho. service principally upon yourself. I am under a 
 necessity of visiting the neighbouring gentlemen, and as- 
 sisting them in their polite amusements, as has been the 
 custom of my predecessors from time immemorial; so 
 that little of my time can be devoted to preaching or pray- 
 ing, and still less to study and contemplation."* Mr. Cu- 
 rate replied, " Indeed, sir, I am but a poor hireling, 
 whose scanty allowance is no way adequate to labours so 
 extensive. I am resolved, sir, to measure my services by 
 my annual salary." The vicar's benefice being sufficient 
 to raise him above preaching, and the curate's allowance 
 so small that he could not afford to preach much, it so fell 
 out between vicar and curate, that the parishioners could 
 not obtain more than twenty minutes preaching weekly, 
 in return for their tithes, many dues and offerings. This, 
 you know, was greatly to our advantage. 
 
 Another instance of altercation, between the vicar and 
 curate I well remember, which also was decided in our 
 favour. " Hark you, Mr. Curate, said a certain vicar one 
 day to his journeyman, I expect you shall take the care of 
 all the souls within my parish upon yourself; as I have 
 much business of a very different nature on my hands." 
 " I take the care of them, sir, replied his curateship; 
 what have I to do with them.'' I shall take no care of them, 
 I assure you." " Well, but Mr. Curate, said the vicar, I 
 hired you on purpose that you should take the care of 
 them off from me." " Indeed, sir, rejoined the curate. I 
 will not, I am resolved; do you think that, for the scanty 
 allowance of twelve shillings per week, I will put my own 
 soul in the place of your parishioners.^ No, sir, let him 
 take the care of them who is best paid for so doing." 
 " Then, said the vicar, let my lord bishop take care of 
 them, for he is better paid than either vicar or curate." 
 By these means the parishioners may go to heaven or hell, 
 as most suits their inclination, provided always the fees 
 are punctually paid. 
 
 Impiator. Well, father, I really think those curates 
 were in the right; for as they receive but journeyman's 
 wages for doing the drudgery of the business, it is unrea- 
 sonable to desire any more than journeyman's labour from 
 them. If they perform the most servile parts of the of- 
 fice, for their scanty allowance, it seems but meet the vi- 
 
232 DIALOGUES 
 
 cars, ^vIlo receive the far greatest part of the profits, 
 should talie the burthen of souls upon themselves. If i 
 am not greatly mistaken, the far greater part of mankind, 
 the vicars and high-priests alone excepted, are of the same 
 opinion with me and the curate. However, that was all 
 in the dajs of poperv, and the church of England halli 
 since been blessed with a great reformation. 
 
 IxFiDELis. It has so, Impiator, and been deformed 
 again, almost far enough. Some time after the reforma- 
 tion, indeed, the gospel was preached almost every where 
 in England, which made me apprehend the most dreadful 
 consequences, and made me exert my utmost influence, 
 in order to reduce the clergy to obedience. 
 
 This important point was in a great measure carried, by 
 fixing their attention inordinately upon tradition, and 
 kindling relentings in the bosom of many a gownsmah 
 towards the old scarlet lady, whose government had been 
 rejected. So that, by degrees, I drew them to take coun- 
 sel, as formerly, from the wise Iirfidelisj one particuhr 
 instance of which I shall give you, if you think it will not 
 too long detain you from necessary business. 
 
 Fastosus. That is well thought of, brother. Idleness 
 belongs not to our fraternity; I hold it good, therefore, 
 that we adjourn to our usual time of meeting. 
 
OF DEVILS. 
 
 DIALOGUE XVI. 
 
 ALL THE DL^LOGEANS PRESENT. 
 
 Fastosus. When we parted yesterday, you irjentioned 
 some particular instance of the clergy seeking to you for 
 direction, brother^ will it please you to relate it to us 
 now? 
 
 Infidelis. It is only a little confabulation I had wdth 
 my good friend, parson Out-and-in. The case was this: I 
 set out one morning for Rome, to remove some scruples 
 which infested the mind of his holiness, the father of the 
 world: but. passing by parson Out-and-in's garden, I be- 
 held the reverend gentleman in his morning gown and 
 velvet cap, walking slow and pensive, to all appearance 
 in a dejected manner. Charity bid me stop and relieve 
 the thoughtful divine. At her command 1 stopped, and 
 called: So ho, Mr. Out-and in; how do you do? The 
 good gentleman, awaking as from a trance, erected his 
 body into a perpendicular posture, pushed up the snout 
 of his cap from over his eyes, and finding it was me 
 who called, instantly replied, '• O my good friend, Ra- 
 tionalisl (for that is the name by which I am known by 
 the clergy, of all denominations) am I so happy as to 
 meet with you, in this so difficult season? I pray you, 
 most honourable tutor, be pleased to stop and give me 
 your advice. 
 
 I went to him, and thus the old Levite began: " Most 
 truly noble and intelligent Sir, I, and my brethren, the 
 genuine children of learning and science, have long been 
 much grieved at the rapid progress of fanaticism, which 
 now prevails amazingly over the people. So prevalent 
 is it, sir, that fanatical preachers are more followed, 
 more esteemed, than we. the votaries of almighty reason. 
 In these days, sir, there are some, who, in a frantic 
 manner, decry the noble powers of the human soul, 
 which we esteem to be almost divine; who preach salva- 
 tion, by what they call the righteousness of Christ, con- 
 trary to the instructions which we received from that ii- 
 20* 
 
234 DIALOGUES 
 
 lumination which thou hast given us. We have long been 
 studying how to suppress this fanaticism, and to pro- 
 mote the more consistent doctrine of salvation bv our 
 own works, and the liberty and freedom of our own will, 
 to perform perfect righteousness. It is intolerable, sir,, 
 to hear men of virtue and piety placed on a level with 
 vile publicans and sinners, who know not the law, and 
 are therefore accursed. Impious in the highest degree, 
 to suppose that the benevolent Deity will not reward our 
 good endeavours to please him, by working out our 
 own salvation, wiihout trusting in the righteousness of 
 another." 
 
 To be sure, said I, to gentlemen of virtue and good- 
 ness, it must be mortifying to submit to be levelled with 
 those who work not, but believe in him who justifieth 
 the ungodly. Very trying indeed, to own one's self to 
 be an hell-deserving sinner, when your own reason bears 
 witness that you deserve the inestimable blessings of 
 everlasting happiness, for your own personal goodness. 
 What man of virtue and moral goodness, what gentle- 
 man of a clear head and good heart, like yourself, can 
 bear to be told, that harlots and publicans shall enter the 
 kingdom of heaven sooner than you? I wonder not, my 
 worthy sir, that the preaching of salvation by the works 
 of another should be a stone of perpetual stumbling, and 
 a rock of invincible og'ence to you. And this ofttnce 
 will never be removed, until v.e can so manage it, that 
 this same book, called scripture, is made to truckle to 
 the more consistent dictates of human reason: by which 
 alone the authenticity of doctrine ought to be attested, 
 independently of any records whatever, either ancient or 
 modern. 
 
 I myself have beheld the preaching of the cross of 
 Christ with a great deal of uneasiness. But for seeing 
 the self-righteous Jews break their b )nes by stumbling 
 upon it, and the wise philosophic Grecians turning mer- 
 ry-andrews, and laughing at it as foolishness, I siiould 
 certainly have sunk into despair; because I was unhappy 
 enough to see i: prove both the po/. er of God and the 
 wisdom of God, U> those who felt themselves actually in 
 a perishing condition. But my good Mr. Out-and-in, 
 permit me to tell you, that whatever pain I endure on ac- 
 count of a preached gospel, I can do nothing that will 
 
OF DEVILS. 235 
 
 effectually prevent it, without the concurrence of the 
 clergy. By the way, let me not so much as hint any de- 
 fection of the clergy. No, sir, I thank my auspicious 
 stars, by far the greatest part of them are upon the right 
 side of the question. There are but few, very few, who 
 preach those enthusiastic doctrines, with which the arti- 
 cles, homilies, and rubrics are stuffed; very few who con- 
 cern themselves about what is, or what is not, the doc- 
 trine of the Bible. 
 
 But, to the matter of your troubles, sir, I apprehend 
 they may be reduced to these two heads only: to suppress 
 the growth of fanaticism on the one hand, and secure to 
 Yourselves the patrimony of the church on the other. 
 " These are all, returned he. If we can but accomplish 
 these, we desire no more." Then, sir, if no more is aim- 
 ed at, I shall put you in a way by which you may accom- 
 plish them. 
 
 Observe me then, my good friend Mr. Out-and-in. the 
 first thing to be done is, to draw as thick a veil as possi- 
 ble over the personal excellencies, grace, and righteous- 
 ness of Immanuel: for these, wherever they are preached, 
 have a tendency to eclipse all human glory, and greatly to 
 diminish the profits of the altar; v.hich, you know, are 
 the principal things that ought to be advanced. The holy 
 trade of priestcraft can never prosper, but in proportion to 
 your departure from the doctrine of the cross. Yet, this 
 must be done with caution, lest the eyes of the people 
 should be opened, and the propagation of your rational 
 religion be prevented. The important question then is, 
 *• How you may retain the character and authority of 
 Christ's ambassadors, whilst, at the same time, you are 
 labouring to extirpate the doctrine of salvation by his 
 blood, from the rational worldr' as you cannot expect 
 to be so much regarded by the people, if ever you lose 
 your claim to ambassadorship. Of this, therefore, you 
 must be very cautious, and by no means declare your- 
 selves avowed enemies to the gospel, in so many express 
 words. 
 
 No, sir, you must find out the most glorious names 
 which possibly can be ascribed to the Son of God; yet 
 such names as do not imply his personal divinity; these 
 would spoil your scheme, and therefore must be rejected. 
 For instance, you must cot call him Immanuel, the 
 
2S6 DIALOGUES 
 
 mightj God, the everlasting Father, God manifest in the 
 flesh, Jesus Christ yesterday, to-day, and forever the 
 same; Alpha and Omega, &c. &c. These, and such like 
 names, must absolutely be laid aside, for they make di- 
 rectly against the rational scheme. On the other hand, 
 you must be equally careful not to speak slightly of his 
 person, name, and authority, by barefacedly calling him 
 but a man, like yourselves, as Doctor Priestley has pre- 
 cipitately done; and by so doing betrayed the cause of 
 rational religion into the hands of the orthodox, to be 
 mangled and tortured after the manner of that wicked 
 Shaver. In short, you must consider, that tlie people are 
 not all rational alike; and therefore a downright denial 
 of the Godhead of Christ may be attended with very se- 
 rious consequences. Some people are firmly attached to 
 the Athanasian creed, merely out of deference to the 
 judgment of their ancestors, and others are as firmly at- 
 tached to the scriptures, from an inward conviction of 
 their divine propriety; so that, without the greatest care, 
 you may be baffled in your very first attempts to promul- 
 gate your rational religion. 
 
 In short, sir, notwithstanding you believe him to be but 
 a man like yourself, or at most but a dignified creature, 
 you must of necessity, for fear of the populace, give him 
 a kind of suffragan Deity or deputed Godhead, like that of 
 Mars or Mercury, in the pagan theology. Your friend, 
 Mr. Whiston, a man of deep intelligence, has shown you 
 what may be done in this way; do you, my good Mr. Out- 
 and-in, imitate the same Homer-like minister.* You 
 must never omit, when you speak of him, to use great and 
 swelling words of seeming respect, as if you had the most 
 profound veneration for his person; call him the only son 
 of the most high God: the first-born, and most exalted of 
 creatures; a being far above men and angels; under God, 
 the great dispenser of all things, both in earth and heaven. 
 Not a syllable of his measuring the seas in the hollow of 
 his hand; of his meting out heaven with a span; of Wia 
 comprehending the dust of the earth in a measure; weigh- 
 
 * Homer-like minister. Homer was a wonderful creator of gods 
 and goddesses, and so was Mr. Whiston. from his own account of 
 the Trinity, which he makes to consist of oae uncreated and two 
 created Gods. 
 
OF DEVILS. 237 
 
 ing the mountains in scales, aiulthe hills in a balance: or 
 of his taking up the isles as a very little thing. That 
 is a description of Jesus, most adverse to what you 
 would have thought to be rational religion, uhich con- 
 siders him as no more than a man, like yourselves. 
 It is good, therefore, that such descriptions should ne- 
 ver be quoted. Bj keeping close to those appellations, 
 which are proper to him, only as man and mediator, you 
 will veil his real personal dignity^ and, in time, your 
 audience will quite forget all their old orthodox notions, 
 concerning the proper Deity of the Lord Jesus Christ, 
 which at present are so very oS'ensive to you and y'our 
 brethren. 
 
 When you happen to hear of any man, who is a zeal- 
 ous and diligent preacher of Christ crucified, as the on- 
 ly foundation of the sinner-s hope, you must look to it 
 that something be speedily done, to prevent his success: 
 For such a man is capable of being very injurious to us, 
 and our rational religion. His followers will consider 
 you as no better than hirelings, mercenary priests, and 
 enemies to the gospel of salvation. Therefore you must, 
 but always with the greatest art, attack his character. 
 Stigmatize him with such names of reproach as you 
 think will be most likely to take with the vulgar. How- 
 ever you must beware of touching his moral character, 
 for that will be like the body of Achilles, invulnerable 
 even to malice itself. His religious character, because 
 less understood by the common people, will be more ea- 
 sily injured; and is, therefore, the most proper object of 
 your attacks. 
 
 You may call him an enthusiast, which is a name un- 
 derstood by very few; therefore the greatest part of the 
 people will consider him as some outlandish monster, and 
 avoid him, as they would shun the path of a crocodile. 
 Or you may call him a methodistj this also is a name well 
 calculated to excite popular abhorrence, as you know ma- 
 ny would rather chooae to be papists than methodists. 
 Or you may call him an anabaptist, or fanatic. In short, 
 you may dress him in what names you think will most ef- 
 fectually stir up the people to bait him, as they would do 
 a bull or a befir from tlie forest; and so far as your influ- 
 ence goes, you may totally prevent his usefulness; which, 
 
238 DIALOGUES 
 
 you know, will be a great service done to the devil, and 
 to rational religion. 
 
 But, my good Mr. Out-and-in, take care that you be 
 not too bare-faced in your slanders, as Doctor Priest- 
 ley has been in his against the orthodox dissenters. — 
 His zeal for rational religion is so furious, that it prompt- 
 ed him to rend the disguise, which ought by all means 
 to have concealed his implacable hatred of the ortho- 
 dox. This, however, he has thought proper to discover 
 in such a manner, that his word, in a way of slander, 
 will now scarcely be taken by any body, so that even 
 the rationals themselves are ashamed of his rashness. — 
 But you, my friend, may avail yourself of his miscar- 
 riage, and avoid the rock upon which he foundered un- 
 der full sail, by considering that, amongst the laity there 
 are always to be found a discerning few, whose penetra- 
 tion may be too keen for a flimsy disguise. Now, should 
 your malice be detected, your very reproaches would 
 bring him proselytes, as in the case of Dr. Trapp, of 
 crabbed memory, and the late Mr. Whitefield. There- 
 fore,'letall your reproaches seem to flow rather from pity 
 than malice. Do not fail to commend something of the 
 good that is in him: This will be an excellent cloak, 
 from under which you may, with the greater freedom, 
 shoot your arrows of calumny. For example, v,'hen his 
 name is mentioned in company, you may say, " He is a 
 good sort of man, I believe; but I am sorry for him. Poor 
 man, he hath imbibed sad enthusiastic principles. The 
 poor, weak, well meaning man, would do good if he 
 could, I believe, but is sadly led away by methodistical 
 notions." Sir, there are a thousand ways of vending 
 scandal, with seeming pity, which some people are per- 
 fect masters of: But your divines are too warm, and 
 therefore their arrows fall to the ground before they in- 
 flict any wound at all. 
 
 I have known an important minister, ere now, ruin 
 the reputation of his neighbour, with less than ten 
 words speaking, and those too seemingly spoken in much 
 pity. 0, sir, there requires s^reat art in scandalizing to 
 purpose. Nothing gives such a point to the arrow of 
 scandal, as seeming concern for the welfare of the party 
 whom you want to ruin. I could recommend you to 
 certain gentlemen, in great estimation for religion and 
 
OF DEVILS. 239 
 
 virtue, as the most accomplished in this necessary art, did 
 not I know that you disdain to learn from any inferior 
 to myself. 
 
 If you would invalidate the doctrine of imputed right- 
 eousness, you must begin just here, and proceed in the 
 following manner. That it is a doctrine which must be 
 brought into contempt, as you would wish to preserve 
 the honour of the creature, is clear to a demonstration^ 
 seeing, whenever a man is brought cordially to embrace 
 it, his looks, however lofty before, are brought down, and 
 he lies at the feet of Jesus, as a perishing and lost sinner; 
 which, you know, is inconsistent with the dignity of a phi- 
 losopher, or a rational Christian. 
 
 You must, my worthy Mr. Out-and-in, you must in- 
 deed, declare that man, having received no damage at 
 all by the fall of Adam, and coming inte the world in 
 perfect innocence, is capable of having a righteousness 
 ■ of his own, which will justify him before an infinitely 
 holy God. *' Ay, but Mr. Rationalis, said he, how shall 
 I manage in this, seeing there are so many plain passages 
 of scripture, which contradict me.^" 01 mygood fiiend! 
 You must not mind that, if you intend to be a rational 
 preacher. You must show yourself a man, and leap 
 over them, as many have done before you. Imitate the 
 zealous Dr. Priestley, and like him tell your hearers, 
 that the scriptures do not mean what they say.* What 
 man of reason would regard a few adverse texts of scrip- 
 ture, when the dignity of human nature is the subject ia 
 question? 
 
 For your encouragement, permit me to assure you, that 
 however adverse the scriptures may be to your rational 
 doctrine, the populace will be very propitious. 
 
 You can never please men so well as by clapping them 
 on the shoulders, telling them that their hearts ^e good, 
 that they need not doubt of getting safe to heaven, whether 
 they believe in the Son of God or not. And 1 engage sir, 
 your auditory will caress you, for the sake of your pleas- 
 ing doctrine. 
 
 As to the Holy Ghost, I would not have you abso- 
 lutely refrain from mentioning him, and his assisting in- 
 fluence, because your people read of him in your churck 
 
 * Familiar illustration of certain texts, &«. 
 
240 DIALOGUES 
 
 liturgy so very often. But be sure roundly to assert, 
 that it is mere enthusiasm for a man to expect to re- 
 ceive the Holy Ghost, in these days; and let them 
 solve the difficulty, how the thoughts of a man's heart 
 can be cleansed by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost 
 "whom they cannot receive, as they shall find opportu- 
 nity. It seems I proved as a kind of remembrancer 
 here, for he stopped m.e short and said: ''Let me see 
 1 think I should remember something about the Ho- 
 ly Ghost somewhere Hum If I mistake not, it 
 
 was relating to the office of ordination.*' 
 
 Yes, sir, said I, it was; you only professed to my 
 lord bishop, that you were moved by the Holy Ghost, 
 to take upon you the office of a deacon. That was all, 
 sir. He replied: "'I believe it was some such thing. 
 But pray, sir, was it rational in me so to do, seeing I 
 did not then believe that any man receives the moving 
 influences of the Holy Ghost in these times?" Surely, 
 said I, it was. You know, sir, no man can get a be- 
 nefice without it in your way: and 1 pray you, who 
 would not do as much as that for a good living.'^ Why 
 should you have any scruple of conscience, seeing you 
 have got some hundreds a year by it? I know many, 
 very many, who did the same, sir, who can hardly pro- 
 cure thirty pounds per annum. On my v;ord, you sold 
 your conscience well. But for those sons of science, 
 they foolishly threw their's away, without the prospect 
 of any comfortable return. I assure yuu, a journey- 
 man weaver can afford a better table than many a clergy- 
 man of the rank of curate. 
 
 Once more: as the works of the Saviour of mankind 
 must not be wholly omitted; should you be asked, "What 
 Jesus did for his people? You must ansv/er, as it were 
 in a rapture: ''01 he hath done great things for us. He 
 descended from the heavenly glories, and assumed our 
 nature. He hath abrogated the severity of the old, 
 and introduced a new and milder law; lived agreeable 
 to the precepts of it himself, and when his instructions 
 were finished, he confirmed us in his ways, and sealed 
 the truth of his doctrine with his own precious blood." 
 Thus, my friend, you may, by good management, if 
 grace prevent not, deceive the very elect. Tears of 
 thankfulness trickled down the old gentleman's beard; 
 
OF DEVILS. 241 
 
 h« gave me most hearty thanks, and protested that no in- 
 structions could be more agreeable to the dictates of his 
 OAvn reason. 
 
 Fastosus. I can tell jou, brother, your advice was 
 not in vain, but has been invariably followed, so that this 
 rational religion is now very little injurious to our in- 
 terest. 
 
 IxFiDELis. It is very moderate, sir, and may well be 
 tolerated even by our governors themselves. It has not 
 the least affinity with the doctrine of the cross; which is 
 justly the abhorrence of every partizan of ours, as will ap- 
 pear from the creed which I composed, and put into the 
 hands of my friend Mr. Out-and-in; which, if agreeable, 
 I shall recite. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. I pray you, sir, let us have the creed. It 
 may aftbrd matter of entertainment to have the creed of 
 the enemies of all creeds and confessions. 
 
 IxFiDELis. Not enemies to all creeds, cousin; only to 
 tiiose creeds which they deem orthodox|^ those which de- 
 base the sinner, exalt the Saviour, and thwart the views of 
 human arrogance. But they are very fond of such creeds 
 as tickle proud nature, eclipse the sovereignty of grace, 
 and debase the Saviour as insufficient of himself to save to 
 the uttermost those v/ho come to God by him: As you will 
 see in the following. 
 
 •*' 1 believe in the great God, the father and fountain of 
 Deity, as an absolute and supreme beiiig, eternal, immortal, 
 invisible, omnipresent, all-powerful, the Creator, Support- 
 er, and Governor of all worlds. I believe in another 
 God, who is not eternal in liis existence; not omnipresent, 
 in his essence; not omnipotent, but entirely dependent on 
 the great God for his very existence; not supreme over 
 all, as Paul the fanatic thought; but subject in all things 
 to him that made him; not immortal, but actually died 
 about seventeen hundred years agone, for purposes after- 
 v/ards to be mentioned . I farther believe, concerning this 
 second God, that he was created, as the famous Whiston 
 says, by the great God, in an ineliable manner, before the 
 foundation of the world, far above all angels, and appointed 
 to be the minister of the wrath and mercy of the Creator. 
 I believe in a third God, called the Hoiy Ghost, created 
 by the secowid God, or suftragan of the Supreme Deity, and 
 
 21 
 
242 DIALOGUES 
 
 that, therefore, he may properly be called the grandson of 
 
 the great God." 
 
 '' I beg your pardon, said Mr. Out-and-in, interrupting 
 me; it would be more rational still, to ascribe no Deity 
 whatever to the Son of God." 
 
 sir, replied I, we shall fit you in that, in the most 
 agreeable manner; then to the article of faith in the great 
 God, add, " 1 believe in Jesus Christ, as a mere man like 
 ourselves, yet pious and holy. A man sent of God, as a 
 great teacher, whose business in life was to introduce a 
 new mild law commonly called the gospel; because 
 God had altered his mind, respecting the salvation of 
 mankind, since his giving of the old law, which upon ex- 
 amination, and long experience, was found to be too 
 strict and severe, consequently unjust and fit for aboli- 
 tion. Wherefore, he raised up this same Jesus Christ, 
 a man like ourselves, and sent him to correct the errors, 
 which infinite wisdom had fallen into, in giving what 
 we call the moral law. I believe that when he obtain- 
 ed a perfectly correct copy, he taught it to mankind, and 
 called it the new law, or the gospel. I believe that this 
 good man actually did make such corrections, altera- 
 tions, and amendments, in the moral law, as he saw meet, 
 notwithstanding he positively declared, that, *' although 
 heaven and earth should both pass away, not one jot or 
 tittle of the old law should fail," that is, be superseded 
 by any other law whatever. 1 believe that Jesus Christ, 
 this good man like ourselves, having rendered the old 
 law a perfect system, and having taught it in its purified 
 state, died to confirm the truth of his doctrine, just as 
 Cranmer and other good men have done since then. I 
 believe farther, that he continued under the power of 
 death for three days, and then was raised from the dead, 
 to shov/ that he was no impostor, but was actually com- 
 missioned to amend the old law, which, prior to his correc- 
 tion, was neither holy, just, nor good, as the mistaken 
 apostle thought it to be. Farther still, 1 believe that, in 
 his exalted state, he is, as good Dr. Priestley observes, on- 
 ly a man like ourselves, notwithstanding the orthodox ig- 
 norantly worship him as Immanuel, God with them; God 
 manifest in the fiesh; the true God and eternal life; the 
 Alpha and Omega; the first and the last, and I know not 
 
OF DEVILS. 243 
 
 what enthusiastic titles, such as that book, called the Bi- 
 ble, acribe to Jesus of Nazareth. 
 
 " Concerning the original state of man, I believe, that 
 Adam did not beget his children in the likeness which he 
 himself bore, at the time of their being begotten, but in 
 the likeness which he bore before he had sinned; that, al- 
 though the fountain became polluted, the streams continue 
 pure and limpid; and, although the root was depraved bj 
 transgression, the branches and fruit are holy and inno- 
 cent. So that there is no such thing as original sin in any 
 sense; nor have the posterity of Adam any share in the 
 guilt of his transgressions. And whereas, the death of in- 
 fants is frequently alleged, <by fanatics, and orthodox 
 Christians, as a proof of original sin; I do most rationally 
 believe, concerning those that die in infancy, tliat either 
 God, in an arbitrary, unjust manner, murders them with- 
 out cause; or their death is occasioned by some sin of their 
 own, committed, either whilst they were in the womb, or 
 before they had being; for no man can die for the sins of 
 another, says your oracle, and yet it is clear that infants 
 do die. 
 
 *' Moreover, I believe that every man is possessed of 
 power, to justify himself by the deeds of the law, and to 
 procure salvation by his own willing and running, contra- 
 ry to the opinion of Paul, and the rest of the orthodox; 
 that salvation is obtained by works of righteousness of 
 our own performing, and not by the obedience and death 
 of any other person; that the glory of our salvation ^hall 
 redound to the absolute mercy of God, and our own good 
 endeavours to obtain it; and not unto Christ, whom the 
 orthodox enthusi'astically say, has loved them, and wash- 
 ed them in his blood, by which he has redeemed them to 
 God, out of every nation, kindred, people, tongue and lan- 
 guage." 
 
 This creed being cordially received by my votaries, I 
 laughed in my sleeve, and said, a fig for you all, my ene- 
 mies, Goodwin, Charnock, Owen and Crisp, &:c. where 
 are you now? A fig for all your snarlings at my prin- 
 ciples! Lift up your heads from the dusty pillows, 
 and listen, whilst your own descendants, ye puritans, 
 with all the force of eloquence, plead the cause of great 
 Infidelis. 
 
 Tmpiator. Honoured father, I admire your subtilty, and 
 
244 DIALOGUES 
 
 almost adore your craftiness. Who would have thought, 
 when we heard of the old puritans raving against unbelief^ 
 and profaneness. that, in such a short time, their descend- 
 ants would have forsaken the principles of their progeni- 
 tors. But I give you joy, my sire, your operations have 
 lacked no advantageous success. 
 
 IxFiDELis. You are very tibliging, my son ! But I per- 
 ceive you are not aware of all the giory of this concjuest. 
 Perhaps my friends would think it 'strange, if 1 should 
 tell them, that by tins device, I have again introduced 
 into Britain, as gross idolatry as ever was preached by the 
 ancient druids, as ever was known at Rome or Athens f 
 and that British divines have arrived at an higher degree 
 of heathenism than ever was known in the celebrated pan- 
 theon. 
 
 Impiator. Nay. then, my bewildering parent, out with 
 it. and explain yourself. What, idolatry again in Britairi 
 Happy stars! 
 
 IxFiDELis. Hold, son. Restrain yourself, I say. Do 
 not you remember the charge 1 gave you, Impiator, when 
 I sent forth my several worthies to sound my sleep-giving 
 ti'umpet. 
 
 Impiator. I can remember nothing at present, so gre&t 
 is my joy! idolatry! How glad am I that the Britons 
 have again embraced thee! 
 
 Infidelis. This, son, was my charge, and I desire 
 you will remember it. Take care, said 1, Impiator, take 
 care what you do. It is a matter of great importance 
 to our infernal interest, to which a blunder of your*& 
 might, on this occasion, be very injurious. These men 
 are gone forth upon my business^ with a commission from 
 me, your father, to counteract a preached gospel, and as 
 much as may to sap its foundation doctrines. Now, my 
 son, in order to be useful to me, it is highly necessary 
 they should bear the appearance of the strictest sanctity, 
 and be not any wise defective in tithing, anise, mint, and 
 cummin, or how can they impose the cheat upon man- 
 kind with success? Whereas, the appearance of devotion 
 and sanctity, will give energy to their arguments, and 
 greatly recommend their doctrine; there is no beating it 
 out of the heads, even of the most ignorant, that there is 
 such a thing as devotion and sanctity, inseparably con- 
 nected with religion. 
 
OF DEVILS. 245 
 
 Now, my son, thou art but a purblind devil, and at best 
 precipitate; therefore thou majest overturn my best con- 
 certed scheme. I charge tbee, therefore, Impiator, as thou 
 wishest well to our mal -administration, that thou shalt re- 
 frain from tempting these men into any of thine openly 
 notorious ways, and to leave them entirely to my govern- 
 ment; for they cannot miscarry whilst I have the pleasure 
 of reigning in their hearts. 
 
 Fastosus. a very necessary caution and ought to be 
 regarded. 
 
 Impiator. I remember it very well, and have hitherto 
 acted accordingly.: notwithstanding, I would rather allure 
 every person to take up his dwelling in some part of my 
 dominions. But, sir, I never knew that your rational di- 
 vines were properly idolaters. 
 
 Infidelis. 13o you consider, then. They tell their 
 hearers, that Immanuel is no more than a dignified crea- 
 ture, who has no personal claim to the essential qualities 
 of true and absolute divinity, notwithstanding many of 
 them pay divine honours to his name. Now, my son, the 
 worship of a creature, how dignified soever, is by all al- 
 lowed to be mere idolatry. 
 
 Fastosus. They deny the charge of idolatry, brother, 
 by alleging, that they oft'er to Immanuel only an inferior 
 worship, suited to the inferiority of his person as a created 
 being. 
 
 Infidelis. The very thing in which their idolatry con- 
 sists, and is on a level with the ancient pagans. It was 
 an inferior kind of adoration, which the ancients paid to 
 their heroes and common deities, in comparison of that 
 which they offered to Jupiter their great god, the suppos- 
 ed king and father of all the rest. Mars and Mercury, 
 for instance, were never considered as supreme, but as 
 acting under the direction and delegation of Jupiter; as 
 such, and such only, they were adored and worshipped; 
 so that to distinguish between the worship of the father, ' 
 as supreme, and that of his son, as inferior and subordi- 
 nate, instead of exculpating them from the charge of idol- 
 atry, doth actually enforce it. 
 
 Fastosus. But, to clear themselves from the charge of 
 
 idolatry, they allege farther, sir, the command of God 
 
 himself, for tneir worshipping the Son notwithstanding his 
 
 inferiority. The great God, say thev. hath given com- 
 
 21 * 
 
246 DIALOGUES 
 
 mand, that all the angels of God should worship bim, and 
 that all men should honour him; shall then our obedience 
 draw upon us the reproach of idolatry? 
 
 iNriDELis. So they say. But if they knew the scrip- 
 tures, only half as well as you and me, who have labour- 
 ed all our days to cloud their evidence, they would see 
 that these commands, instead of exculpating them 
 from, do actually bring home the charge of idolatry up- 
 on them. God hath expressly commanded, that, "Man- 
 kind shall have no other gods before him," as objects 
 of religious adoration, either by office or otherwise. 
 And he would hardly have himself introduced another, 
 of a ditferent nature, and commanded all men to worship 
 him; seeing, in this case, one command would have clash- 
 ed with the other. This would have been the spring of 
 Vv'ild confusion, and everlasting uncertainty; for the two 
 commands being diametrically opposite, no man could 
 ever have known which of the two might be obeyed with 
 safety. 
 
 Would we but suffer them to reflect upon the di- 
 vine commands, they must unavoidably see, that their 
 worshipping of the Son of God, as merely delegated, 
 with an inferior kind of worship, is absolute idolatry. 
 AVhen the first begotten was brought into the world, "it 
 was said, "Let ail the angels of God worship him,'' 
 which they accordingly did at his birth. When- he re- 
 vealed himself to Israel, the Father gave command, that 
 "All men should honour the Son, even as they honoured 
 the Father." That is, with the self- same honour, as is 
 paid to the Father^ on the foundation of his being one (in 
 essence) with the Father. Whereas, had the Father or- 
 dained divine honours to be paid to any being of a ditter- 
 ent essence from himself, he would not only have over- 
 turned the first commandment, " Thou shalt have no 
 other gods before me," but have given his glory to ano- 
 ther, contrary to his own express declaration. I would 
 not, therefore, have those sons of superior reason think it 
 at all strange, if at last they find themselves ranked with 
 idolators. 
 
 Impiator. But, father, if I mistake not, you said, that, 
 with them, paganism is brought to as great perfection as 
 ever it arrived at in the Roman pantheon. How is that, 
 sir, seeing they are rational Christians? 
 
OF DEVILS. 24r 
 
 TxFiDELis. Yes, my son, they call themselves rational 
 Christians, because they believe and teach, " That the 
 world by wisdom may know the Almighty," and adorn 
 their harangues with words, which men's wisdom teach- 
 elh; but they are pagans, notwithstanding, as will ap- 
 pear, when you consider, that they worship more gods 
 than one. Arians and Socinians both agree to worship 
 one, whom they say is truly and essentially God, and the 
 King and Father of the other Deities. Besides this ob- 
 ject of supreme adoration, they have other two, the Son 
 and the Holy Ghost, whom they honour with inferior 
 adoration, just as the ancients did the common Deities. 
 I suppose, gentlemen, you will allow that the worship 
 of two or three objects of different ranks, is as real pa- 
 ganism, as the worship of so many hundreds: But I choose 
 to distinguish the moderns from others, by the name of 
 Christian pagans, because they allow Jesus Christ to be 
 one of their secondary Deities. lam greatly obliged to 
 you, my brother Fastosus, for your assistance, so kindly 
 given, to enable me to accomplish my purposes; without 
 it, I could not have brought my affairs to their present 
 happy situation. 
 
 Fastosus. No, brother, you could not; but you are 
 at all times welcome to my assistance, in counteracting 
 the simplicity of gospel truth. I myself should greatly 
 suffer, were the Arians and Socinians to discover what 
 part we have in their rational religion; and lam not with- 
 out my fears that the capacity of the preachers for mak- 
 ing proselytes, the dwindling away of their congregations, 
 and the contempt in which they are in general held, will 
 in time convince them, " That the world by wisdom knew 
 not God," and so bring them to change their present sys- 
 tem of rational religion for that of the cross of Jesus, which 
 is truly rational, and ennobles every reasoning power of 
 the human soul. 
 
 Impiator. Ah, my sire! What a subtle spirit you arel 
 With what laudable craftiness must you have acted, to 
 succeed in introducing pagan idolatry amongst modern 
 divines; even amongst protestant dissenters. I have long 
 known, that the papists are pagans in disguise, but had 
 no thought of rational Christians being so far in alliance 
 with us. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. Pagans in disguise, cousin! What do 
 
248 DIALOGUES 
 
 Tou mean? There is no mystery at all in your father's 
 doctrines; nor is there much difference between the an- 
 cient pagans and modern papists. The principal differ- 
 ence is this: The popish Juno whom they call the mother 
 of God, is far greater in power, and more exalted in glory, 
 than the wife of Jupiter, the pagan Deitj. The pagan 
 Juno, acted in all things subordinate to the will of her 
 husband, the king and father of the gods, who bore abso- 
 lute sway over the heavenly synod: But the popish Jupi- 
 ter acts in subordination to the will of his virgin mother. 
 He rules the creation, indeed 5 but then he is still subject 
 to maternal direction; so that it is not God, the saviour 
 of sinners, but the virgin Mary, the popish Juno, who 
 possesses absolute sovereignty; and what good they ex- 
 pect at the hand of God, is expected to be done in obe- 
 dience to his virgin mother. 
 
 In all other thin;;?, there is little or no disparity 
 between the ancient and modern pantheon worship. 
 The pagans worshipped angels, whom they called gods; 
 the papists worship them also, knowing them to' be 
 creatures. The first had their heroes and heroines, 
 whom they adored under the name of demi-sods: the 
 latter, also, have their heroes and heroines, whom they 
 worship under the name of saints. The ancients had 
 their ambiguous oracles and lying wonders, and the mo- 
 derns have both, in far greater abundance; so that he 
 must be blind indeed, who does not see amongst them un- 
 disguised paganism. 
 
 Impiator. Then it must follow, that the papists are 
 greater friends to my father, Infidelis, than the Arians 
 and Socinians; because these bear something of the ap- 
 pearance of truth; but those have cast off both truth and 
 its appearance. 
 
 Infidelis. That is your wisdom again, my son. Im- 
 piator would make but a blundering minister of state 
 in my court, gentlemen. But, my son, you may know, 
 it is with us a maxim of policy, that, '' Whoever 
 comes nearest the truth, and is, notwithstanding, desti- 
 tute of it, is always capable of doing the most essential 
 service to my interest." Popish paganism is by far too 
 barefaced to succeed in England, where its absurdities 
 have been so long detected. English protestants will not 
 worship a god of the baker's making, whilst their women 
 
OF DEVILS. 249 
 
 retain the art of making good plumb-pudding, which 
 will at any time be preferred to the sacramental wafer. 
 But Arian and Socinian paganism is so subtly invented, 
 and so well refined, that it passeth with many for rational 
 Christianity. 
 
 Impiator. I find, sir, you are under necessity, as well 
 as myself, to act wisely, with craft and cunning, finding 
 that the same device will not, with all people, at all times 
 succeed alike. We may sometimes, to some people, ap- 
 pear in our own infernal likeness,* and at others we are 
 fain to put on a deep disguise, in order to accomplish our 
 designs. But not matter how, so that we have them safe 
 at last. However, gentlemen, there being such a pros- 
 pect of plenty, I begin to fear there will scarcely be roona 
 left in hell for us devils. 
 
 Infidelis. Another stroke of my son's wit. It is 
 well, Impiator, that your business is to tyrannise only 
 over the. thoughtless part of the human race, or you 
 would be of little service to our fraternity. But have 
 you never heard, that Tophet is wide and large, without 
 either brim or bottom? There is no fear of wanting room. 
 Besides, wherever the fiends may happen to be, they are 
 always at home, being sure to carry their hell along with 
 thera. 
 
 Fastosus. I have somewhere seen a map of that part of 
 your dominions, brother, where the idolaters dwell; if you 
 have got one about you, I should be glad to have a des- 
 cription of it. 
 
 IxFiDELis. I have, sir, and am glad it is in my pow- 
 er to gratify my much honoured brother. You see, 
 sir, it is divided into two grand provinces, each inha- 
 bited by different sects of idol worshippers. That pro- 
 vince on the left contains the various sects of civil 
 idolaters, and this on the right contains the many de- 
 nominations of their elder brethren, the religious idola- 
 ters. And, I assure you, they are two bodies of people 
 very respectable. 
 
 The province which contains the civil idolaters, is 
 divided into several counties, all of which are very 
 populous. In the first county live the worshippers of 
 vain pleasure, and this county is divided into several 
 regalities, in which the several sects or denominations 
 of idolaters dwell, according to the diversity of their 
 
250 DIALOGUES 
 
 inclinations. The first regality is appointed to the 
 worshippers of living creatures. This swarms with 
 jockeys, and gamblers of the turf, both of noble and 
 ignoble extraction. Along with them live the worship- 
 pers of foxes, hares, and hounds, a very jolly race, I 
 assure you, well skilled in the literature of the ken- 
 nel. But it is better to be a slave in a Turkish galley, 
 than held as a divinity in this regality; for adoration ne- 
 ver fails to procure torture to the idol, as the panting of 
 the hare, and the well-ploughed sides of the horse, suf- 
 ficiently demonstrate. A little nook of this regality is, 
 by royal mandate, made over to sterile wives and maid- 
 en ladies, who, for want of more agreeable objects of ado- 
 ration, worship monkeys, parrots, and lap-dogs. The 
 second regality is the habitation of those who worship the 
 dramatic poets, and their apes the players. At the 
 shrines of those idols, the worshippers sacrifice health 
 and virtue, under pretence of learning wisdom. They 
 are a very fashionable and honoured people, with whom 
 legislators and guardians of public virtue are not asham- 
 ed to associate. Here you may find legislators patri- 
 otically sacrificing their own virtue, in order to protect 
 that of their nation; their own estates, in order to as- 
 sist in public economy; and faithlessly wasting their own 
 time, in order to teach industry to the inferior ranks of 
 subjects. 
 
 In the second county, you will find all the worship- 
 pers of false honour; a set of gentry extremely divided 
 in their sentiments, relative to the object of their adora- 
 tion. One holy father falls down prostrate, like Cardi- 
 nal Wolsey, before the triple crown and pontifical digni- 
 ty. A second is equally devout at the shrine of a cardi- 
 nal's hat. And a third, less aspiring, pays his devotions 
 to a bishop's mitre or prelatic robes, and the height of 
 his present ambition is a bishopric. Other reverend gen- 
 tlemen offer a more humble worship to a deanery, prebend 
 or vicarage. 
 
 It is very observable, that in this county, people 
 never worship that to vvliich they have already attain- 
 ed; but, having compassed their purpose, burn in- 
 cense to the idol next in rank, and thus the worship- 
 per goes on, if death and disappointment do not pre- 
 
OF DEVILS. 251 
 
 vent him, until he has worshipped every shrine in the 
 pantheon. 
 
 For instance, whilst a curate, a vicarage is the idol; 
 the vicarage obtained, it gives place to a prebend or 
 deanery; which, once enjoyed, they also, in their turn, 
 give place to a bishopric; that to an archbishopric, 
 which is the principal idol of the English. But in 
 other countries, there are idols of a superior rank, so 
 that the moment an archbishopric is obtained, incense 
 smokes to a cardinal's hat; which also obtained, loses 
 its worshipper, who is now converted to the worship of 
 the triple crown, the great god and father of all the other 
 idols. 
 
 Nor are the laity less devout than their reverend bre- 
 thren; for one man worships universal empire, like Louis 
 of France, and some others; but it is said that George of 
 Britain is an apostate from this religion. Another wor- 
 ships a crown and sceptre, like the descendants of a cer- 
 tain bricklayer; and many adore the place of prime min- 
 ister, chancellor of the kingdom, first lord of the treasury, 
 with every other place of honour and trust in government. 
 Some you shall see fall prostrate before a star and garter, 
 whilst others are all obedience to a coronet. The husband 
 lies in the dust before "his honour." whilst his wife in 
 raptures adores'' her ladyship." " His lordship" is bend- 
 ed to by one, and another pays all his devotion to *'his 
 grace." 
 
 In this county, you may find some men religious 
 enough to worship a corporal's knot, or a sergeant's 
 halberd. Some worship an ensign's sash, others a lieu- 
 tenant's commission, whilst the captain is absolutely as 
 much devoted to a regiment, as his colonel is to a mar- 
 shal's staff. 
 
 The third county is the dwelling of those who wor- 
 ship their own bodies, than which, I presume, there is 
 not a more ravenous idol in the synod. Around the 
 shrine of this god^, stand the baker, brewer, pastry cook, 
 confectioner, distiller, weaver, and male and female tai- 
 lors. Hard by are a constellation of the softer sex pros- 
 trate before an Indian shrub, the leaves of which are in 
 great veneration. At no great distance are a cloud of 
 worshippers of Virginia tobacco; they are divided into 
 no less than four ditlerent sects.. The first of whom wor- 
 
252 DIALOGUES 
 
 ship the tobacco in the neat leaf, cut small, or well roll- 
 ed together. The second worship it after it is well 
 ground into flour. The third put it through the fire to 
 the dear sensation. And the fourth are of such a catho- 
 lic disposition, that thej worship the dearly beloved to- 
 bacco in all its forms. [Of this last sect the Listener 
 professes himself.] 
 
 The belly is worshipped by many, as the principal 
 god, and so profuse are they in their offerings, that 
 its altar is sometimes almost overturned, and the idol, 
 greedy as it is, is unable to bear the fruits of their 
 devotion. The sect of gluttons, a devout race, ransack 
 both earth and sea to bring plenty of offerings to the idol; 
 and that of drunkards, in no less devotion, pour on the 
 wanes in such profusion, that all the surrounding trenches 
 are gorged to the brim. This same idol, differs exceed- 
 ingly from most other objects of idolatrous worship; for 
 when it has swilled to excess in the drink offering, it in- 
 vites the brain to share in the feast, to which it presents 
 every vapourish effluvia, whilst it reserves for its own use 
 only the parts excrementitious. Moreover, this same 
 belly is apt to resent the profusion of its worshippers, 
 and sends forth the bluest plagues, most chilling agues, 
 burning, putrid and malignant fevers, with all manner 
 of acute and chronical distempers, amongst the worship- 
 pers, and thus provides employment for gentlemen of the 
 faculty; whose business positively, would be worse than 
 that of a cobbler, but for the religion of belly worship- 
 ping. 
 
 In the fourth county dwell the worshippers of gold 
 and large possessions, some of whom you will find lying 
 prostrate, in the deepest devotion, to a fine well situated 
 house and garden; others worshipping a fertile estate 
 and well stored barns, a flock of fleecy sheep, or an herd 
 of fattening bullocks. One man adores the brace of nags, 
 which hurl him from place to place, whilst his friend is 
 prostrate before a splendid retinue. Moidores, as well 
 as English coin, is a splendid idol, and attracts the atten- 
 tion of many, whilst some adore a coal pit, or a mine of 
 leaden ore. 
 
 Had I time I would give you a more full account 
 of the religious idolaters; but as business is urgent, I 
 shall only touch upon some of their gods. The great- 
 
OF DEVILS. , 253 
 
 est of which is his holiness the present pope, who dis- 
 penseth blessing and cursing, casteth down and ex- 
 alteth at his pleasure. This god, who is exalted above 
 all that is called God, issueth dispensations and par- 
 dons, for money and price, contrary to the manner of 
 the God of heaven. The one pardons and gives salva- 
 tion freely of grace, but the other sells his pardons as 
 dear as he can. Next to his holiness, on the right hand, 
 stands the popish Juno, or Virgin Mary, whose pow- 
 erful command of the God of nature, is greatly adored 
 by every zealous papist. On the left hand stands a Je- 
 sus Christ of wood, whom the papists also highly revere; 
 for they are, almost to distraction fond of wooden dei- 
 ties. Some, indeed, have a Jesus Christ made of gold 
 or silver, and others, more lowly, worship a paper Sa- 
 viour; but the most humble devotion is paid to the gods 
 which the baker makes. These are the most ravenous 
 idolaters in the whole world; for, wiih the greatest ea- 
 gerness and devout veneration, they eat the object of 
 their adoration. Thousands of these breaden gods are 
 devoured annually, and as soon as devoured, they are 
 replaced by others from the sacred ovens. The peo- 
 ple, worship, and service, of the true Jesus of Nazareth, 
 they abhor and persecute with as much fury as ever 
 their ancestors the Romish pagans did. But if their own 
 godsmiths, carvers, or statuaries, happen to produce a 
 handsome Jesus Christ, or a mother of God, the country 
 will presently wonder after it in the most profound ado- 
 ration. 
 
 DiscoRDAN's. I have sometimes thought, brother, 
 that the popish religion is the religion of Moloch in- 
 verted. That voracious idol was uied to devour the 
 children of his worshippers; but here the greedy wor- 
 shippers devour their god, after he is well baked in an 
 oven. 
 
 Imfidelis. The ancient pagans were even foolish 
 enough, in giving their children to that greedy devil, 
 Moloch; and the papists are not much wiser in worship- 
 ping the works of the artificer, or believing that they 
 can eat their Maker. Here are, likewise, the greatest 
 variety of venerable relics, such as St. Peter's beard, 
 the ear of St. Francis, the milk of the virgin, with a thou- 
 
254 DIALOGUES 
 
 sand fooleries besides, all of which are in some sense 
 deified. 
 
 Besides these already mentioned, ihere dwell in this 
 province, all who worship their ancestors, which renders 
 the country very populous. I mean those who hold the 
 canons, confessions, and liturgies composed by their an- 
 cestors, to be nearly equal to the scriptures in authenti- 
 city. Likewise, those who are of this or that persua- 
 sion, merely because it was the faith of their progeni- 
 tors, without giving themselves the trouble of search- 
 ing the scripture, to know the truth of the doctrine. It 
 is also here that the worshippers of the sacerdotal live- 
 ry dwell. I mean those who venerate a man merely for 
 the sake of his gown and cassock, without inquiring 
 v/hether his doctrine and conversation render him vene- 
 rable. 
 
 But I should tire your patience, was I to give you a 
 minute description of my vastly extended country, as 
 well as lead you to imitate the sloth of the children of 
 men. I shall therefore beg leave here to desist. At the 
 usual time I will meet you. Business calls me hence at 
 present. 
 
OF DEVILS. 255 
 
 DIALOGUE XVII. 
 
 ALL THE DLVLOGEANS PRi:SENT. 
 
 Privy to their appointment, I made business give way 
 to curiosity, and I was as punctual in my attendance as 
 they were in theirs. At the same time before agreed to, 
 they assembled, resumed their seats, and Fastosus thus 
 began: 
 
 Fastosus. It is true, sir, your son Avaro. hath greatly 
 exceeded my expectations, and proves himself to be an ex- 
 pert devil. He will, I think, do honour to the name of 
 Infidelis, and may greatly contribute to the flourishing 
 estate of the kingdom of pride. I should be glad if Avaro 
 might now a little enlarge upon tlie hints he has already 
 given, that we may further see the prosperity of our gene- 
 ral interest. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. That will be very grateful to me, cousin 
 Avaro, as your sordid and griping influences have the 
 most happy effect upon the reign of contention. How 
 have I been delighted, when one of your slaves has drop- 
 ped into the grave, leaving behind him vast possessions, 
 by the discord 1 have sown amongst his children and kins- 
 folks. Your slaves dare not think of dying and enter- 
 ing into another world; therefore it sometimes happens, 
 that after the muck-worm has been, by every means, and 
 every kind of rapine, scraping wealth together for many 
 years, he drops into eternity, v/ithout leaving behind 
 him any authentic direction how his plunder is to be dis- 
 posed of. This gives me a fair opportunity of setting his 
 relations together by the ears, about who shall get most 
 of the miser's effects to himself; and I have the happi- 
 ness, frequently, of planting irreconcilable enmity in 
 the heart of one brother and sister against another, which, 
 you know, is a comfortable sight to our infernal nobili- 
 
 Sometimes, the griping miser, that enemy to himself 
 and all mankind, is overpersuaded to make his will, 
 tiiough secretly hoping he shall not die for a great wliile 
 
256 DIALOGUES 
 
 yet to come; and then the case is very little altered 3 
 For when the wretch goes to the place appointed for the 
 covetous, his will is unsatisfactory to some of the relations 
 one has too much, and the other has too little left him. 
 Here, disagreeable altercation succeeds the funeral obse- 
 quies, and division and everlasting disgust sums up the 
 whole. Unless, indeed, that relation who has too little 
 bequeathed to him, should call in the gentleman of the 
 law to decide the matter in some court oT judicature; and 
 who, having fleeced both the fools, as handsomely as the 
 nature of the thing would admit of, refer them at last to an 
 arbitration. 
 
 I assure you, cousin, I scarcely ever see one of your 
 industrious slaves, but I flatter a hope of having some 
 employment in his family on his demise; nor do I know 
 any other real use that the miser's ill-gotten money is 
 of to society, besides sowing discord among friends and 
 relations. The wretch meanly robs his own back and 
 belly, as well as all he deals with, to answer purposes 
 no more valuable by his having. But I prevent you, cou- 
 sin. 
 
 AvARo. I cannot easily depart from the tent of the 
 scarlet lady, whose name is Mystic Babylon, without 
 making farther honourable mention of her prudent chil- 
 dren. The wise disposal of purgatorial fire has been al- 
 ready exemplilieil,and the dispensation and pardon mar- 
 ket has been glanced at; but one way of getting money 
 besides these I shall now instance. I have laid my claim 
 to the popish clergy in general; but of them all, there are 
 none who exceed the worthy lords, the inquisitors, in ven- 
 eration of my golden image. This religion of the golden 
 image was first invented by the clergy of Bab} Ion, and I 
 assure you, to this day, the clergy of Babylon invariably 
 follow it. But the inquisitors, of all others, are the most 
 zealous devotees of this golden god, first set up by the 
 parsons of Babylon. 
 
 Never did an eagle look out for a dove, nor an hawk 
 for a sparrow, with greater vigilance than their lordships 
 are wont to look out for a prey. If, within their juris- 
 diction, there happens to be a stranger, whose circum- 
 stances are prosperous, and who is likely to be a good 
 bone for their reverences to pick; it shall go hard but they 
 will provoke him, by some of their emissaries, to sajr 
 
OF DEVILS. Q57 
 
 something against the inquisitive tribunal, which, in 
 some countries, is deemed the unpardonable sin. No 
 sooner has the insinuating priest, by indirect means, ob- 
 tained matter of accusation, but he makes information in 
 the holy office, before the fathers, who, on hearing the 
 blessed report, are as much delighted as the wolf, when 
 he has fanged a prev. The merchant is apprehended, his 
 estate confiscated; he is immured in the prison cells un- 
 til consumed either by famine or vermin, otherwise he is 
 tortured privately to death, by the hands of their sanctified 
 ruffians. 
 
 One instance of the many, which T might produce, 
 shall serve to exemplify the equity of the inquisitors. 
 "When Syracuse was in its glory, there was one Bellarius, 
 a foreign merchant, who, in the course of business, had 
 amassed great riches; and v.ho, at the same time, was so 
 circumspect in all his ways, that even the eye of an emis- 
 sary of the office, could find nothing of which to accuse 
 him to the tribunal. Thus he lived in reputation and 
 affluence many years, to the great impatience of the ho- 
 ly inquisitors, who could find no plausible pretence by 
 which they might fang his substance with their rapacious 
 talons. 
 
 Bellarius had an only child, a lady about seventeen. 
 Her person was the perfection of symmetry, and her 
 mind a copy of the purest virtue. By her they found 
 means to accomplish their purposes, and bring complica- 
 ted ruin on the unhappy parent. The family, retii ed to 
 peaceful repose, were one night alarmed about one in the 
 morning, first by the approach of a coach, and then by a 
 smart rapping at the gate. Bellarius from within ask- 
 ed, ''Whois there?" Was answered, *'The holy in- 
 quisition." Down stairs he run, flew to the gates, in 
 obedience to the dread tribunal, and opened to receive 
 those ministers of darkness. Understanding they were 
 come for his daughter, in farther obedience to those 
 leaders of the church, he went himself up to her cham- 
 ber, brought her down trembling as she was, and deliver- 
 ed her into the hands of the horrid ravishers, who car- 
 ried her oft* to the seraglio, in the office of inquisition. 
 Where for the present we leave her, through fear of 
 death, seduced from her virtue, by those pretended pa- 
 22* 
 
258 DIALOGUES 
 
 trons of religion, and return to the unhappy, disconsolate 
 father. 
 
 Impiator. Well, brother, I find then the priests of 
 Rome are not so much addicted to eunuchry as they pre- 
 tend. It is lawful, it seems, to ravish virgins, however 
 unlawful it may be to have a married wife. I have often 
 heard of the seraglio of princes, but not so often of the se- 
 raglio of priests, and tho?e priests too, who, of all others, 
 are the most zealous wanderers after the seven headed 
 beast. 
 
 AvARo. Distressed and comfortless, Bellarius remain- 
 ed at home, forsook all company, and conversed only with 
 the various cogitations of his own foreboding mind. At 
 one time, he conjectured that his hapless daughter, in 
 some inadvertent moment, might have blasphemed, either 
 the wooden virgin Mary, or the great high priest of Rome, 
 or the holy inquisitors; in which case, he gave her up 
 for lost, and doomed her to fall a sacrifice. Yet could he 
 scarcely forgive the rigour of that religion, which had in 
 such a merciless manner ravished her from his fond em- 
 brace. 
 
 It was not long after this, an Armenian merchant, said 
 to be newly arrived in Syracuse, called on him, under 
 pretence of buying a large assortment of goods. Gener- 
 ous and unsuspecting, Bellarius bid him welcome to his 
 house during his stay; which he, after some seemingly 
 modest apologies, thankfully accepted. The pretended 
 Armenian, perceiving Bellarius to eat but little at supper, 
 and now and then inadvertently to let slip a sigh, took oc- 
 casion to rally him, in a friendly manner, as if troubled 
 with the hyp', advised him to cheer up, and hope for 
 better times. 
 
 Bellarius, having but little relish for a jest, seriously 
 replied, "' No, sir. the hyp' is not my present disease, 
 neither have ray affairs in trade taken an adverse turn; 
 and yet there is one thing which gives me great distress. 
 The friendlv Armenian was now more importunate to 
 know his grievance, that he might at least sympathize 
 with him in his affliction. Little suspecting that he was 
 conflicting with priestly subtilty, he thought he might 
 safely lodge his circumstances in the generous bosom of a 
 merchant. He replied, sir, I suppose you are a stranger 
 in Syracuse; as such, let me advise you, as you value your 
 
OF DEVILS. 259 
 
 life and liberty, to be careful of your words, and every 
 part of your deportment, during your abode,* for this is a 
 place of danger. I have, sir, one only daughter, the per- 
 fect image of her lovely mother, whom I had the misery 
 to bury but a few months ago. I know not by what temp- 
 tation,' but my poor girl has said something dishonoKrable, 
 either of the lady of Loretto, his holiness the pope, or 
 their lordships the inquisitors, for which she is imprisoned 
 in the holy office, and I suppose must answer it with her 
 life. 
 
 Oh, sir, I hope not, said the Armenian^ the lady's 
 youth will intercede for her, and after some gentle admo- 
 nition, your daughter will be returned to the house of her 
 father. 
 
 Ah, sir, rejoined the disconsolate Bellarius, I cannot but 
 fear that her youth and beauty are her greatest enemies 
 and accusers. These are qualities capable of impress- 
 ing even the heart of an inquisitor. If this is the case, 
 my poor daughter is already either dead or debauched. Or 
 should it happen that any thin^ has been alleged against 
 her religious conduct, there are instruments enough in the 
 inquisition, and their lordships want not skill to use them; 
 instruments sufficient to make an helpless virgin confess 
 that which even never entered her thoughts: So that, at 
 all events, her death or dishonour is ensured. No, sir, it 
 is not possible for me to hope for better, seeing the least 
 hint thrown out against the inquisition is condemned as 
 unpardonable blasphemy. 
 
 it was not long after this discourse, before the Arme- 
 nian feigned a necessity of going out; went straight to 
 the inquisition, and made information, being a Jesuit 
 disguised as a merchant; and that very night a coach was 
 sent to conduct Bellarius to the celfs of their dreadful 
 prison. Next day his eft'ects were seized by order of the 
 holy fathers, who now rejoiced that at last they had 
 grasped the long wished for prey. Confined in an a- 
 bominable cell, he was greatly annoyed by vermin: and, 
 being divers times examined by torture, he died with 
 grief for his daughter, who, as she could never freely 
 yield to the loathsome embrace of those murderers, in 
 a few months tired their patience. Then one of their 
 sanctified ruffians first murdered her, and then burned 
 her to ashes in the dry pan. It is amazing, gentlemen, 
 
260 DIALOGUES 
 
 to what lengths the lust of money and women will carrj 
 men. 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, cousin, I think your friends, thein- 
 'quisitors, bid fair for equalling the most subtil of our fra- 
 t-ernitv. Oh what means of procuring wealth have you 
 taught their reverences of the Romish hierarchy I Selling 
 of dispensations and pardons, begging of money for mas- 
 ses, &c. &c. are profitable articles, and turn to a good ac- 
 count. But if I remember right, you told me a few days 
 since, your vassals are divided into several companies, 
 or communities, and that people of all kingdoms, ranks, 
 and professions, are at this day worshippers of the god 
 Avaro. I should be glad to hear something farther about 
 them. 
 
 Avaro. I did so, sir, dnd shall be ready farther to 
 oblige you, if to give you a brief view of our corpo- 
 ration, M'hich, like all ether towns corporate, consists 
 of divers companies, will do it. The first of which is 
 that of 
 
 The lawyers. A very wise set of gentlemen; who ex- 
 ceed the children of light, in the art of money -getting, as 
 far as any of the inhabitants of our territories; of course 
 they are held in great estimation, as gentlemen of the first 
 intelligence. In our city of Avarice, there is no know- 
 ledge deemed of any avail, no conduct accounted virtu- 
 ous, besides that of money-getting. He is always the 
 wisest, best, and most virtuous man, who best succeeds 
 in the lucrative art, whether in law, or in trade, or other- 
 wise. There was a time, you know, when the law was 
 straight, as clear as a beam of light, and needed no ex- 
 pounding, so that every man was his own counsellor. 
 But ever since the kings of England were kept prisoners 
 under a guard, lest truth should become familiar to the 
 roval ear, the case has been OjUite altered; now it is so 
 full of pleas and demurrers, doubts and exceptions, &:c. 
 that it is a perfect labyrinth, dangerous for an honest 
 man to enter. For, in the lawyers' company, it is a 
 standing rule, that whether the plaineift'or defendant lose 
 the cause, the lawyers, on both sides, are sure to be con- 
 siderable gainers. Indeed, it is very seldom but tliey 
 manage the matter so, that all parties, except themselves-, 
 are losers; and if he who gains the trial finds himself in 
 the end to be a loser, how do you think it must fare with 
 
OF DEVILS. 261 
 
 the wretch against whom the verdict is given? If an 
 honest man has a mind to purchase an estate ever so 
 fairlj, and pay for it ever so iionestlv, he will find it a 
 difficult matter so to secure his title, but if any suc- 
 ceeding heir be bred to the law, or heiress be married 
 to a lawyer, he may run a risk of being jostled out of 
 his property by some knavish quirk in law, without any 
 allowance made either for the estate or its impro\e- 
 ments. 
 
 Indeed, sir, it may be said of my faithful disciples, 
 the lawyers, attornies, bailiffs, &c. that they pay as little 
 regard to truth as the greatest of ourselves. Right and 
 wrong, equity and oppression, are no objects of their re- 
 gard, providing the case will yield good advantage, and 
 bring large grist to their mill: an instance of this, if you 
 please, gentlemen, I shall give you. 
 
 Contumelius was a Yorkshire gentleman, of distin- 
 guished birth and ample fortune, but somewhat akin to 
 the mad Macedonian. His country seat stood by the side 
 of a lane, through which neighbouring farmers passed 
 with their teams, from time immemorial. But so much 
 passing and repassing of the whistling clowns, follow- 
 ing their wagons, at last proved very offensive to the 
 worshipful 'squire, so that he resolved to remove the in- 
 tolerable nuisance, by blocking up the way. A gate 
 was accordingly put up, and fastened with a padlock, 
 effectually to stop the clownish passengers from passing 
 as before, and turn them by a way considerably more 
 distant. 
 
 As soon as the 'squire's proceeding reached the ear of 
 Mr. Loveright, a neighbouring farmer, he ordered his 
 wagon to drive directly to the gate, and finding it locked, 
 took an axe, which he brought with him for that purpose, 
 and, to the great mortification of 'Squire Contumelius, 
 hewed it to pieces. His worship, in a rage, posted to 
 Mr. Deceitful, a very eminent lawyer in a neighbouring 
 town, for his advice. The worthy lawyer, finding this a 
 proper occasion of serving his own interest, advised the 
 'squire to send for a writ, and commence an action against 
 the farmer fur his intolerable insolence. In a few days 
 the writ was served on Loveright, who immediately waited 
 on lawyer Deceitful, in order, if possible, to compromise 
 the matter. 
 
262 DIALOGUES 
 
 _ He no sooner entered the office, than Mr. Deceitful took 
 him aside, and thus addressed him: '* I am heartily sorry, 
 mj good Mr. Loveright, that I have been in a manner 
 obliged, by his worship Contumelius, to send for a writ 
 against you. But I assure you, sir, in my opinion, your 
 side of the question is by much the safest; and might I 
 advise, it would be to stand a trial, and by no means 
 submit to a compromise. Knowing the farmer to be a 
 man of substance and resolution, he continued, There 
 is no bearing with such insolent treatment. For my 
 own part, Mr. Loveright, I would much rather you had 
 been my client, on the present occasion, than the giddy 
 'squire; but he first applied to me, and insisted on my 
 doing what I have done. If you please, you may apply 
 to my brother Falsehood, who is as skilful as any man, 
 and as honest as any lawyer I know. In the mean 
 w^hile, sir, you may depend on me as your real friend, 
 ready to serve you in every thing consistent with my 
 reputation." 
 
 As soon as Loveright was departed, Mr. Deceitful took 
 horse, and rode directly to the 'squire's house; told him 
 the farmer had been with him, heartily repented of his 
 folly, and v.as very desirous of coming to terms of agree- 
 ment. But were the case mine, said he, I v/ould listen 
 to no terms of accommodation, but punish his insolence to 
 the utmost rigour of law. The low-life fellow, having got 
 forward in the world, has forgotten himself; and, if suf- 
 fered now to escape with impunity, he will be the pest of 
 the neighbourhood. Thus the worthy lawyer irritated 
 both parties, until he had made sure of an assize hearing, 
 that, in the debate, he might likewise insure to himself a 
 sum very considerable. For he knew very well, that if 
 ever a difVereace falls into the insatiable maw of the court, 
 it will never be disgorged until all costs of suit are amply 
 paid ofi'; for it is impossible for any mercenary scrib- 
 blers to give any credit. Let them act justly or unjustly, 
 they make sure of their fees; and, as the one party must 
 necessarily lose, both counsellor and attorney take care 
 to father the miscarriage of the cause on something which 
 the client has done, which he ought not; or omitted, 
 which he ought to have done: And notwithstanding all 
 tlieir fraud and deceit, both of them come off good honest 
 lawyers. 
 
OF DEVILS. 263 
 
 The second company, and next in reputation to that of 
 the lawyers, is the parson's company, which is also very 
 flourishing and reverend. That you may not mistake my 
 meaning, by parsons, I intend all, in general, of every 
 denomination, who are ministers merely for the sake of a 
 living; more especially, 
 
 1. All who profess to my lord bishop that they are 
 moved by the Holy Ghost to take upon them the office of 
 a deacon, when, in reality, it is the hope of a benefice by 
 which they are stimulated; and who, afterwards, in the 
 course of their pulpiteering, tell the people that it is en- 
 thusiasm in any person to expect to receive the Holy Ghost 
 in these days. 
 
 2. All who, sustaining the sacerdotal character, lead 
 men into sin, or harden those who are insensible, either 
 by conniving at the sins of their people, or by being guilty 
 of the like themselves. These gentlemen are pretty nu- 
 merous. 
 
 3. All who act rigorously towards their parishioners 
 in regard to temporal things, who evidently show more 
 concern about tithes and offerings than about the everlast- 
 ing welfare of their people. 
 
 4. All in holy orders, who, through covetousness, idle- 
 ness, or any other unjustifiable cause, withhold from 
 their people the stated ministration of the word and ord- 
 inances. Set a mark upon them, for they are all my dis- 
 ciples. 
 
 5. Wherever you meet with a gentleman in holy or- 
 ders, who is so far above the bulk of his auditory, 
 that he will not condescend to converse even with the 
 meanest about the state of his soul, the work of the 
 Spirit, and way of salvation, such are idle shepherds, 
 unnatural pastors, and altogether devoted to the god 
 Avaro. 
 
 Impiator. So then, cousin, I find you have parsons of 
 more denominations than one; they are not all engrossed 
 by the established churches in England and on the conti- 
 nent, it seems. Yet I meet with many who, with great 
 warmth, will vindicate their own denomination by whole- 
 sale, and deem it little less than blasphemy to suppose that 
 they embrace any thing erroneous. Yet none more ready 
 to censure and condemn those who are of a different per- 
 suasion. 
 
264 DIALOGUES 
 
 Avaho. The truth is, my parsons are scattered abroad 
 among all sects of professors^ for the time is not yet come 
 that any one sect can justly assert that none of their 
 ministers have any other object in view but the glory of 
 God, and the good of mankind. Nor will the time com- 
 mence, before ihat important question, 'who shall be the 
 greatest:' is finally deciiled; which it is thought will 
 be a great while first, seeing it hath already puzzled the 
 schoolmen and leaders of the church for sixteen ceuturiei 
 back. 
 
 But, to return to the parson's company; wherever you 
 meet with a clergyman who answers the description 
 I have given, you need not ask him whether he is a 
 churchman or a ilissenter. All you have to do, is to 
 put Beelzebub's mark upon his forehead, and take assur- 
 ance of him, that, at a certain lime, he shall not fail to 
 visit the nether regions, and take his abode in the infernal 
 palace. 
 
 In this very populous company there is great diversity 
 of ranks, even v/here there is an equality of genius; for 
 some, havirjg scarcely finished their apprenticeship, are 
 inducted into livings, and instantly commence rectors and 
 tithe gatherers. Others, for want of friep»ds, are obliged, 
 much against their inclination, to continue underlings all 
 the length of a tedious life. I have seen a handsome par-? 
 son, ere now, riding upon four oi- five steeples at once, 
 and having more in expectation, whilst his fellow student 
 could scarcely procure biown bread and AVelsh butter. 
 And amongst all tiie piuralistsof my acquaintance, I know- 
 not of one that has got livings enough: but, Give, give, is 
 still their fervent prayer to my lord bishop, or some other 
 patron, v/ho has a benefice to bestow. Many, indeed, 
 think they should be quite contented if they had but one 
 more benefice added to what they now enjoy; but I can 
 tell you, couid they come by another, there would still 
 be another wanting. It is much, now so many clergy- 
 men find themselves uneasy in the trammels, if they do 
 not at last take it into taeir heads to persuade the legis- 
 lature that a clergyman cannot preach in three or four 
 churches atone and the same time: And that it is not per- 
 fectly COPS si.ent, either with Christianity or reason, that 
 one clergyman should have three or four livings, whilst 
 
OF DEVILS. 265 
 
 another has none. Should it come to this, my company 
 must be terrible suft'erers. 
 
 Impiator. One would really think, if the cure of souls 
 is as weisihty a concern as some people make it, the par- 
 sons would not be so fond of pluralities; of adding living 
 to living, and parish to parish. 
 
 AvARo. The cure of souls, forsooth! My parsons care 
 rot who take the souls. The fleece, cousin, the fleece, 
 attracts their attention. Give an avaricious parson the 
 fleece, and you may make fairies of the souls of the pa- 
 rishioners, if you will. Many of them do very little 
 of the priest's office, besides collecting the tithes and 
 otferings, at which they are wonderfully dexterous. But 
 as to preaching, they have no notion of it, and less still 
 of visiting the sick, were they even in the jaws of death. 
 I assure you, gentlemen, those idle shepherds are of the 
 greatest use to our government. The interest of hell 
 could not prosper as it does, were we not well befriended 
 by many gentlemen in holy orders. 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, cousin, I have often thought that 
 without their assistance we should be ill put to it to 
 maintain our ground against the votaries of Immanuel. 
 What posting to and from hell is there amongst our 
 sable brethren, when but one faithful and zealous gos- 
 pel minister arises in a nation? You may remember 
 when Luther and Calvin broke the chain of the pope 
 and devil, lifted up the voice of the gospel trumpet, 
 which resounded through the bowels of hell, and made 
 the pillars of our infernal kingdom totter, what hurly- 
 burly we all were in! Vt^hat deep consultations in the 
 divan! What diligence in action with our forces upon 
 earth! 
 
 AvARo. True, sir; but times are much altered for 
 the better. Many a well-paid parson, now-a-days, is so 
 obliging as to sing a lullaby to his people, when he finds 
 them snoring in the sleep of security, and will suffer no 
 man to attempt their awakening. He kindly tells them, 
 *' that they may sleep on now, and take their rest, for the 
 ivolf is gone out of the country, and will not for a great 
 while return. Let no man disturb you with idle notions, 
 for you may all go asleep to heaven, without ever know- 
 ing what conversion means." 
 
 Infidelis. It is admirable what power these same 
 23 
 
266 DIALOGUES 
 
 gentlemen have gotten over reason and religion. I have 
 often thought, that if ever they were to read their 
 Bibles with attention, they could not be off from see- 
 ing that they themselves are the identical persons in- 
 tended by the idle shepherds, and unfaithful watchmen, 
 against whom so many curses are denounced in scrip- 
 ture. The idle shepherds, you know, are such who feed 
 and adorn themselves with the spoils of the flock, which 
 is suffered to perish unwarned, and to die for lack of 
 knowledge. The idle shepherd is that lordly priest, 
 that downy doctor, who keeps at an awful distance from 
 men of ordinary rank, and is too much of the gentle- 
 man to give himself any concern about the souls of his 
 parishioners. 
 
 Many of those idle shepherds I know, who possess 
 some hundreds, aye, some of them thousands per an- 
 num, who will not so much as ask one of their cure, 
 whether he intends to go to heaven or hell at death, or 
 whether he serves God or the devil; yet if a parishioner 
 'die, they will keep as penetrating a look-out for their fees 
 as an eagle for his prey, and seize it with equal eager- 
 ness. Moreover, fur the sake of this same fee, they will 
 own the deceased for a brother, which privilege was al- 
 ways denied him whilst alive, unless he should indeed 
 have happened to be one of the fat of the flock, who was 
 capable of yielding a double fleece. 
 
 AvARo. It is the fleece, sir, which my disciples regard, 
 and not the flock. How have I been diverted sometimes, 
 both at church and meeting-house, to hear the parson, 
 with an air the most supercilious and contemptful, rail- 
 ing against the most useful of God's ministers, as enthu- 
 siasts, fanatics, and methodistsi Ah! said I to myself, 
 what poor honest devils were those of old, who confessed 
 Christ and his disciples, and thus declared to the sons of 
 Sceva, " Jesus we know, and Paul we know, but who are 
 you?" 
 
 Sometimes I hear them crying with vehemence against 
 the divinity of Immanuel; one making him some kind of 
 a super-angelical being, and another asserting that he is 
 only a man, like themselves. Then say I, what a pusil- 
 lanimous spirit was that same devil Legion, who, without 
 receiving either tithe or offering, confessed Jesus of Naz- 
 areth to be the only Son of God, to whom the scripturei 
 
OF DEVILS. 267 
 
 ascribe every divine honour. But these parsons are well 
 piid for confessing him, and yet deny him with the utmost 
 insolence. 
 
 There is never a day but I hear some of this company 
 charging the lie upon one text or other of the Bible. One 
 tells his people that there is no such thing as one being 
 chosen to salvation more than another; but that the love 
 of God is equal unto, and upon all men, whether Jew or 
 Gentile, Turk or Pagan, papist or protestant; nay then, 
 say I, master parson, you are become a dissenter from 
 your own seventeenth article. And, to speak within com- 
 pass, there are at least a thousand pulpits in the church 
 occupied by such dissenters. 
 
 Then I hear others railing against those who preach 
 salvation by grace; and, at the same time, assuring their 
 people, that they must be saved by their own holiness and 
 good works. Very well, say I, then I have my desire, 
 for upon these terms they will never be saved at all. But 
 Btill I am at a loss how they dare so barefacedly give the 
 lie to Paul the apostle, who taught the church, that, "By 
 grace they were saved through faith, and that not of them- 
 selves, but the gift of God.-' I hear many clergymen of 
 the established church, in entering upon the service, thus 
 address the Majesty of heaven, '' Lord, cleanse thou the 
 thoughts of our hearts, by the inspiration of the Holy 
 Spirit;" and in less than an hour after, telling their parish- 
 ioners that it is mere enthusiasm in any man to expect, 
 in these days, to be at all influenced by the inspiration of 
 the Holy Spirit. 
 
 So glaring the contradictions Avhich sometimes they are 
 guilty of, that I tremble with fear, lest the people should 
 be convinced of the truth; but these are favourable times, 
 gentlemen, very favourable; for the greater part of the 
 people have something else to think of, when they go to 
 church, besides either preaching or prayer. 
 
 When I hear the parson, whether churchman or dissen- 
 ter, telling his people how holy and pure the heart of man 
 is by nature; how aptly formed for sentiments of the 
 most exalted piety, and for entertaining the love of God; 
 I am wonderfully at a loss to know how he came by more 
 extensive knowledge of mankind than Jesus Christ, who 
 expressly taught, that whatsoever defileth the man, pro- 
 ceeds out of the heart. Your influences, Fastosus, are 
 
268 DIALOGUES 
 
 of excellent use in keeping them ^vhere they are; yoi? 
 take care to persuade each of them separately, that of 
 all others his own knowled;;e is the most reiined; and 
 hence it is that Goodwin, Owen, Charnock, and all such 
 authors, are considered as weak, though well-meaning, 
 divines. 
 
 It is very diverting to hear my parsons boasting of their 
 superior knowledge, even when, by their ministrations, it 
 is plain that they are acquainted with almost any writings 
 better than those of inspiration; when their auditories 
 dwindle away to nothing, and the few people who abide 
 by them are destitute of all religion. Did they but know 
 half as much as the most illiterate devil of our fraternity, 
 they would at least believe that there may be a possibility 
 of their mistaking the way, and that, after all their pre- 
 tensions to a superior knowledge, thpy may run some risk 
 of a final miscarriage. But, as our good friends the Ro- 
 man doctors are wont to say, *' Ignorance is the m.other 
 of devotion;-' so say I of my parsons, *' Ignorance is the 
 spring of all their knowledge;" and whilst my father In- 
 fidelis can keep them ignorant, my uncle Fastosus can 
 easily puff them up with a sense of the clearness of their 
 heads, and goodness of their hearts; so that I can do very 
 well with them, and retain them amongst our worship- 
 pers. 
 
 The next company in our corporation is that of the 
 straining landlords, a very noble and repr.table company 
 indeed, notwithstanding they are far from being opulent. 
 In the days of yore, when luxury was but little in vogue, 
 the freeholders were attended with fewer wants, and, of 
 course, this company was less flourishing; but since these 
 happy days commenced, in which people of quality are 
 trained up in absolute idleness and dissipation, in which 
 virtue is of no account, and luxury, pride, and dissolute- 
 ness are arrived at their zenith, the people of quality are 
 amazingly poor, and are attended with an indescribable 
 train of necessities. AYlmt is very remarkable, their pride 
 has grown in a perfect proportion to their poverty, so that 
 now^ it is an established law amongst them to look upon 
 themselves as of a difi'erent blood from the rest of man- 
 kind. Indeed you cannot affront a person of quality 
 v/orse than by likening him to one of those who are called 
 vulgar creatures; notwithstanding, by the way. it is those 
 
OF DEVILS. 269 
 
 Kime vulgar creatures which enable persons of rank and 
 fashion to support the dignity of their station; and were 
 there no vulgar creatures, there would also be no ladies 
 of quality. 
 
 This distinction, which the quality pay to themselves, 
 is of the utmost use in my administration, as will appear 
 from the following story: 
 
 1 went one day to the house of sir Fop Mortalis, a 
 very famous gentleman in the country, with a design to 
 pay my devoirs to madam Mortalis, his lady; a gentle- 
 woman who abhors to have the least comparison made 
 betwixt her and any person \\hatever of inferior rank. 
 The chambermaid informed her mistress, that good Mr. 
 Prudence waited below, desiring to speak with her 
 ladyship, if convenient. The lady soon descended, and, 
 <:omprunents passed on either side, she conducted me 
 iuto her parlour, where she and 1 had the following dia- 
 logue. 
 
 Lady. Good Mr. Prudence, you have been a very great 
 stranger! It is many months since I saw you at our house; 
 but I am glad to see you now, and I wish in my heart Sir 
 Fop Mortalis had been at home. 
 
 Prudence. Urgent business, madam, demands my at- 
 tendance so much else-where, that I cannot so frequently 
 as I could wish pay my respects to Sir Fop and my lady 
 Mortalis. But now, madam, I am come, if possible, to 
 rectify a growing mistake amongst mankind; and must 
 tell your ladyship, that I am heartily sorry to see the 
 world arrived at such a pitch of ambition as it is now. 
 Indeed, my lady, it is become a very difficult matter, in a 
 concourse of people, to distinguish between the farmers' 
 and tradesmen's wives, and ladies of birth and fortune; 
 nor can we more easily distinguish between their several 
 children. Why, madam, the farmers' and tradesmen's 
 children are all masters and misses, young gentlemen 
 and ladies, now-a-days. I know not, for my part, what 
 the world will come to, if some measures are not speed- 
 ily taken to prevent the confounding of baseness with 
 dignity. 
 
 >Vhen 1 was last at church, I was surprised to see, as I 
 thought, Miss Mortalis, your daughter, there; well kno,Wn 
 ing that neither Sir Fop himself, nor any of his fac^iW^go. 
 23 t * ^ ' 
 
270 DIALOGUES 
 
 often to any place of public worship. Because you knov/, 
 my lady, few of you great folks love the tedious duties of 
 religion. 
 
 Lady. Not we, indeed. Give us the cards, or musical 
 entertainments, for our money. We hate their whining, 
 doleful cant. Let them choose religion, who have taste 
 for nothing more polite. We will have none of it, I as- 
 sure you, Mr. Prudence. 
 
 Prudence. I know it, my lady, I know it, and am 
 mightily pleased with your determination. But, as I was 
 telling your ladyship, being at church, as soon as service 
 was over, I said to a man, who sat in the pew with me, 
 '^ I am surprised to see Miss Mortalis at church to-day. 
 Do you think, sir, that any body has been daring enough 
 to tell her that she really is a mortal?" To which the 
 plain countryman, in his own clownish way, replied, 
 ^'•Miss Mortalis at church! quoth-a: No, no, sir, you are 
 quite mistaken; for Sir Fop's family are people of quality, 
 and therefore meddle none with religion. What should 
 they do at church, seeing they fear no hell, regard not 
 God, and believe not in the devil. As for heaven. Sir 
 Fop is willing to leave that to the poor, and desires no 
 greater happiness for himself and his than is implied in 
 an earldom." 
 
 Lady. That is, indeed, what Sir Fop has long been so- 
 liciting, and it is believed is now very near obtaining. 
 
 Prudence. But I said to the fellow, pray who is that 
 young lady, whom I took for Miss Mortalis.^ Poh, lady! 
 quoth-a, Why, 'tis John Tillground's daughter, of the Five 
 Elms. Tillground's daughter! said I; you surprise me. 
 She is as finely drest as I have seen Miss Mortalis, when 
 going to a ball. And pray, continued I, who is yonder 
 lady with the French head-dress and furred cardinal.^ I 
 thought you had no people of quality in this parish be- 
 sides Sir Fop's family. No, sir, returned he, we have 
 none, who are such by birth; but we have many who are 
 quality by their dress. The lady, sir, that you enquire 
 after is Mrs. Watson, the landlady of the Three Tuns. 
 
 Well, madam, I followed them out of church, and was 
 amazed to see the plaitings of hair, the tires of ruffles, and 
 the labyrinthian furbeloes, with which the women were 
 decorated. Indeed, my lady, if the world holds on but 
 
, OF DEVILS. 2ri 
 
 a few years, in its present career, we shall not be able to 
 distinguish betwixt the highest and the lowest ranks of 
 people. 
 
 Lady. To be sure, sir, the world is now at a sad pitch 
 of pride and ambition^ for people of fashion can do nothing 
 as to dress, gesture, manner of speech, or living, but we 
 are mimicked by those vulgar creatures. 
 
 Prudence. It must undoubtedly be considered as an 
 insufferable insult upon people of breeding, ^vhen they 
 are thus taken off by the vulgar. But, madam, I have a 
 scheme to propose, which, if adopted, will effectually cor- 
 rect their insolence, and soon oblige John Tillground and 
 Timothy Turf's daughters to lay aside their furbeloes.. 
 rufiies, and tea-table, and betake themselves to their spin- 
 ning-wheels. 
 
 Lady. AVhat is it.^ I pray you, good Mr. Prudence, be 
 so obliging; I beg you would, sir. 
 
 Prudence. Indeed, madam, your farmers are all be- 
 come gentlemen of late. They talk of fortunes for their 
 children, and consider themselves as very little inferior 
 to the 'squire himself. But let me tell you, madam, the 
 fault is not so much in the farmers as in the landlords 
 themselves, who let their farms upon terms by far too 
 low^ and easy. There is this same John Tillground, and 
 his neighbour Timothy Turf, as I am informed, have 
 both of them money lying at interest, when my worthy 
 and right honourable lord Noble, a gentleman of the 
 first quality, is obliged to pawn his plate for cash, to pay 
 oft* the four thousand pounds he lost the other night at 
 cards; and v/hiUt his gentie neighbour, 'squire Fitzfolly, 
 is obliged to fall his timber to slop the horrid gap which 
 his malevolent stars opened at Newmarket races, where 
 the gamblers of rank and quality occasionally try their 
 fortune. 
 
 It is insufferable, madam, that the farmer's circum- 
 stances should be easy, whilst people of fashion know 
 not how to keep oft' the duns from their doors. AVhat 
 right has any body to any thing besides slavery, except 
 people of ([ualityr Were not those vulgar creatures 
 originally designed as your slaves, madam: And yet, for 
 any thing I see, they will soon be on a level with you, 
 unless some method, lucky enough to prevent i,t, is speed- 
 ily devi.sed. 
 
«72 DIALOGUES 
 
 L\t)T. Ah, sir, I fear it indeed. If you do know of 
 any suitable means to prevent it, I beg, good Mr. Pru- 
 dence, you will inform me. 
 
 Prudence. There is only one way, that I know of, 
 madam; and that to raise their rents to the uttermost^ 
 As every lease expires, it will be an easy matter for Sir 
 Fop. in the renewal of it, to advance the rent as high as 
 he pleases. — The slaves dare not go away; and if they 
 should, there will be others foolish enough "to agree to any 
 terms, rather than miss a farm. This done, and all your 
 tenants settled upon the racked farms, if any of thera 
 happens to rear a handsome colt, let Sir Fop himself, or 
 young master, fall in love with it, demand it of its owner 
 for so much, never exceeding half its value; he may pri- 
 vately grumble, but dare not refuse, for fear of offendin.^ 
 his honour. Ey these means, and others, which occasion- 
 will suggest, you may make them all humble enough. 
 
 Lady. Most excellently spoken, good Mr. Prudence. 
 Then Tillground's wife will be obliged to sell her china 
 ware, to procure rags for her brats; the daughter must 
 take to her wheel and wash-tub, and my son, master Tho- 
 mas, will ride a better horse than he now does. This 
 scheme will certainly conquer the ambition of the farmers; 
 but will it do for the tradesmen, good Mr. Prudence; they 
 will still continue an eyesore.^ 
 
 Prudence. Indeed, madam, the same scheme will pro- 
 duce very humbling effects upon tradesmen of every kind, 
 though I dare not assert th.at you will ever be able per- 
 fectly to subject to your ambition and avarice that honour- 
 able body of merchants, whom you affectedly call cits. 
 No, madam, I am afraid that nobility itself must give 
 place to the public spirit of the merchant; but even them 
 you may greatly injure, and prevent their being of sucl\ 
 essential service to their country as otherwise they might 
 be. But as to inland trade, by racking your tenants in the 
 manner prescribed, you may absolutely destroy it. That 
 you may see the utility of my scheme, I shall a little ex- 
 plain it to your ladyship. 
 
 if the farmers are racked to the utmost, they will be 
 obliged to sell the produce of their lands at an exorbitant 
 price, otherwise it will be altogether out of their power 
 to pay the stipulated rent. And besides selling their 
 crops, &.C. for an advanced price, they will be obliged t^ 
 
OF DEVILS. 273 
 
 abridge the wages of all their labourers, smiths, carpen- 
 ters, &c. 
 
 Bj these means the farm.er Avill find it difficult to live, 
 and of course will rarely visit the mercer's and draper's 
 shopsj and as for his labourers and workmen, they will 
 find but little money to lay out in clothes, especially if 
 their children be numerous, as the demands of the back 
 must always give place to the louder calls of the belly. 
 And, as you know, my lady, sterility very rarelj dwells 
 in the labourer's cottage, it is unknown what misery you 
 may happily introduce amongst them by the scheme pro- 
 posed. The draper's goods will lie upon his hands, unless 
 indeed he is pleased to give credit to the poor: if the for- 
 mer, lie will be sparing of his orders; and if the latter, we 
 shall soon have him a bankrupt, so that he will be efiectu- 
 ally ruined. 
 
 You see, madam, that here we affect the manufacturer 
 equally with the farmer and shopkeeper: For when the 
 retail trade is ruined by the dearness cf the provisions, 
 the manufacturer will find little call for his goods; the 
 issue cf which will be, the disbanding of many of his 
 journeymen, and abridging; the wages of the rest. The 
 disbanded journeymen, being incapable of finding em- 
 ploymejit, and not having learned the art of living like 
 the cameleon, en the air, will be drove to thieving, by 
 which means America will be peopled, and Tyburn 
 Chronicle rendered respectable. 
 
 As to the manufacturer himself, his capital being soon 
 converted into manufactured goods, he wall be obliged to 
 !?ell them under their value, that he may keep up his cre- 
 dit with the merchant, and be able to carry on a little 
 trade, vainly hoping that times may alter for the better. 
 
 Lady. Indeed, sir, your scheme is very feasible: and 
 yet there is one thing that will put the manufacturer abso- 
 lutely out of our pov/er. I mean, sir, the exportation of 
 their manuliicture. I do not knov/ hov/ it is, but these 
 cits of merchants can send goods any where, and they, 
 sir, will support the manufacturer. 
 
 Prudence. No, madam, I assure you, my scheme, if 
 cordially adopted, and executed with vigour, will put it 
 absolutely out of the merchant's power. There is nothing 
 can recommend the English manufacture at a foreign mar- 
 ket, but the price being inferior to that of other nations. 
 
274 DIALOGUES 
 
 Now, if an Englishman must pay twice as dear for hit 
 provision in his own country as a Frenchman does in his, 
 it is easy to see that either journeymen's wages must, in 
 England, be double to what they are in France, or the 
 journeymen must starve; which few Englishmen are fond 
 of doing. The consequence of this is, the French manu- 
 facturer can send his goods to a foreign market upon better 
 terms than an Englishman, and, of course, destroy all the 
 foreign trade of the English nation. Thus, madam, I have 
 pointed out a method by which you people of fashion, ia 
 order to support your own grandeur, may suck the blood 
 of all inferior ranks of people, and make the British sub- 
 jects absolutely slaves, even in a country which boasts its 
 freedom. Nay, more, this is a method by which you may 
 ruin the most flourishing nation in the world. 
 
 Lady. Spoke like an angel, good Mr. Prudence. I 
 protest, upon honour, I will not sleep until I have con- 
 sulted Sir Fop on the matter. 
 
 AvARo. I took my leave of her ladyship, who could not 
 rest until she had communicated the matter to her ac- 
 quaintance, and they to their acquaintances, and so thej 
 again to theirs, that it had very soon made the tour of 
 Great Britain and Ireland: an ordinance was instituted, 
 in the company of avaricious landlords, that in every fu- 
 ture lease the farmers should be racked to the last ex- 
 tremity. This ordinance has been universally complied 
 with by the whole company; so that there is reason to 
 hope, in time, all the blessed consequences proposed will 
 arise from it, as you see to what an exorbitant price all 
 manner of provisions is already arrived. What may not 
 be expected from such hopeful beginnings? 
 
 Fastosus. a noble company, indeed, and near a kin to 
 our destroying clan. And yet many of them set up fop 
 patriots, even when they are drawing ruin upon the na- 
 tion by their pride, luxury, and avarice. 
 
OF DEVILS. 273 
 
 DIALOGUE XVIIL 
 
 ALL THE DIALOGEANS PRESENT. 
 
 Fastosus. No, Avaro; know assuredly that you ard 
 not more in esteem with the Dutch than myself. It were 
 strange, indeed, if I had no concern with Mynheer. 
 
 Avaro. Indeed, sir, to see Mynheer equipped in his 
 holiday clothes, he makes pretty near as awkward an ap- 
 pearance as a Laplander^ and one would certainly con- 
 clude that he is a perfect stranger to courtly Fastosus. 
 But all the world knows that Avaro is a very respectable 
 personage in Holland. 
 
 Fastosus. I told you before, cousin, that yoa have an 
 ugly way of encroaching upon your neighbour's right. I 
 do not like it, cousin, and will assert my dominion. Do 
 jou think that Mynheer is not full as proud of his multi- 
 plicity of garments as an English hero is of his scarlet 
 and lace? Or that he is not the best fellow who can wear 
 the greatest number of pairs of breeches? I assert, there 
 may be as much pride under a Dutchman's cap, as under 
 a Scotch bonnet, or even under a Frenchman's hatj not- 
 withstanding there is a very great difference betv/een the 
 first and the last. The first, you know, is a fixed ponder- 
 ous substance, and the last is mutable as the weathercock 
 on the top of St. Peter's. Yes, Avaro, 1 may assert far- 
 ther, that there may be as much pride under a red cap as 
 under the coronet of a peer, or even under the mitre of 
 an archbishop. 
 
 Infidelis. That Avaro is in high esteem in the Neth- 
 erlands will not be denied; but to suppose Fastosus ex- 
 cluded from any people whatever is higlily dishonouring: 
 therefore, my son, you must learn to be more cautious| 
 and for the present, to make atonement for your error, 
 proceed with your account of your corporation. 
 
 Avaro. If to retract an error, and endeavour in future 
 to oblige, will procure forgiveness, it shall be done. In 
 order lo which you will please to observe, that the 
 
 Fourth Company of my corporation is that of the letter 
 
276 DIALOGUES 
 
 retailers, otherwise called mercenary scribblers, and 
 false publishers. The transcribers and abridgers of other 
 men's works, and especially those whose sole aim is to 
 get money by their writings, are free of this company and 
 on the livery. 
 
 To give you a proper idea of which, I shall read you a 
 letter, which I stole the other night, from the chairman of 
 a reading society in the country, designed to be sent to the 
 Reviewers, critical and monthly. 
 
 Gentlemen, 
 
 "VVe are what country people call a reading society, into 
 which v/e had formed ourselves some years before the 
 iirst Review made its public appearance. We had not 
 long taken in books, before we found several articles of 
 our purchase to be stolen from other authors; and but very 
 few of our titular authors had either honor or honesty 
 enough, to inform the public from what sources they com- 
 piled their volumes. "We would advise all writers to live 
 upon their own proper genius, deeming it pity that pil- 
 ferers should be suftel*ed in the republic of letters. At 
 the last meeting of our club, this question was put and 
 canvassed, " What can induce one writer to steal from an- 
 other?" 
 
 To this important question, one replied one thing, and 
 another said what he could to confute it, as every member 
 was willing to display his abilities; at last, Dick Keene, a 
 testy kind of youth, but of good sense, gave us the follow- 
 ing satisfactory answer: 
 
 *• Very probably, said master Dick, some authors may 
 steal from others, for the same reason v/hich that ce- 
 lebrated fool of old had who burnt himself and the 
 temple together, in order to perpetuate his name. — 
 There are authors endued with the same laudable am- 
 bition, who, not being happy enough to be born free 
 in the literary republic, are obliged to stoop to disho- 
 nest measures, in order to gratify their ambition. Their 
 geniuses {if it be lawful to speak of their geniuses) 
 being destitute of every prolific principle, and their 
 fancies fixed as the Pyrenean or the Alps, they can- 
 not possibly gain repute but on the credit of their pre- 
 decessors. Therefore, what frugal nature, and Gama- 
 
OF DEVILS. 277 
 
 iiel have withheld, must be supplied by industrious 
 freedom; and as the end proposed must, at all events, 
 be obtained, honour, truth and honesty, smoke at once 
 on the altar of ambition. To work goes the writer, 
 plunders every volume in his own and his patron's li- 
 brary, and at last completes his scheme; and lo! we have 
 an entire new work, by the learned Mr. Dunce. And 
 so it comes to pass, that we, the honest purchasers, pay 
 three or four times over for the same matter; and perhaps, 
 in almost the same manner likewise. 
 
 '•There are others, who, as a just judgment on their for- 
 mer indolence and extravagance, are now condemned to 
 live upon their wit; which being dull and tardy, some- 
 what akin to the brain of an ass, of itself can afford but a 
 very penurious table, and uncomfortable lodging. Bitten 
 with hunger, the unhappy man is obliged to steal where 
 he can, and then sell his ill-gotten collection to the book- 
 seller, in order to procure a good holiday dinner. The 
 bookseller, I believe, is pretty well convinced of the truth 
 of my remarks, as he has paid for his connexion with lite- 
 rary thieves. 
 
 *' Of these two kinds of pilferers, in my humble opin- 
 ion, the latter is by far the most excusable. He cannot 
 work, he is ashamed to beg, therefore must either steal or 
 starve. What can he steal with more safety than the 
 works of the learned? in my opinion, there is no more dan- 
 ger in robbing a gentleman of his literary honour, than for 
 a statesman to rob his mother country: Few such thieves 
 are conducted, by the county officers, to Tyburn. O so- 
 lemn tree, what frauds are committed against thee.^ Of 
 how many necks, equitably thine, art thou cheated annu- 
 ally?" 
 
 It was now Bill Candour, a good natured youth, inter- 
 rupted him, thinking his reflections somewhat severe. 
 " Hold! Mr. Keene, I think your reasoning is too full of 
 acrimony. If all transcripts, extracts, and abridgments, 
 were to be suppressed, it would be a very great loss to 
 the public. Those men, therefore, who take the trouble 
 of such a service, deserve open acknowledgment, for rais- 
 ing up valuable authors from the vaults of oblivion, in- 
 stead of being lashed with the rod of merciless satire." 
 To which Dick replied: 
 
 *" That many ancient writings, are truly worthy of be- 
 24 
 
278 DIALOGUES 
 
 ing introduced to public view, I ara so far from denying, 
 that I should deem it truly laudable, for any gentleman of 
 capacity and leisure, to draw forth the remains of anti- 
 quity from the cells of obscurity, and should be one of the 
 first to vote him the most public thanks. But 1 would 
 have it done in such a manner, as to come within the 
 reach of the middle class of people, amongst whom the 
 bulk of all sorts of readers are found. Moreover, I would 
 have all writings on religious s^dbjects so contrived, as to 
 come within the reach of the poor, for who else give 
 themselves any trouble about religion, or have any plea- 
 sure in serious writings? If a commentary on the Bible 
 must go beyond the extent of their finances, it might as 
 well be locked up in Pool's Synopsis, where it was be- 
 fore the commentary was written. Opulent tradesmen^, 
 you know, are such slaves to the laws of gettinfj, that 
 they have no time to read, and therefore may prudently 
 avoid purchasing. And people of fashion are generally 
 perfectly satisfied with haviijg such or such books in their 
 libraries, without so much as looking farther into them 
 than the title pages. Surely, gentlemen, no man is to 
 be vindicated in making merchandise of his neighbour'i 
 genius.*' 
 
 Here he concluded, and we were soon convinced, that 
 there was much weight in his reasoning. We must beg 
 leave to tell you, gentlemen, that when your worships 
 erected your tribunal, and every author was summoned to 
 appear -before you, we flattered a hope, that all pilferers 
 would have fled out of the republic of letters. But alas! 
 we have been hitherto disappointed, and in reality, they 
 seem to be on the increase, so that a man can hardly claim 
 personal right to a single idea, how justly soever it may 
 behi> property. 
 
 We earnestly bog that you, gentlemen, will be obliging 
 enough to publish your aversion to tliis craf^; to command 
 all who are destitute both of fortune and genius to recon- 
 cile themselves to their destiny, and show their submis- 
 sion to the higher powers, by learning some handicraft bu- 
 siness, by which they may gain an honest living. There 
 are a thousand ways to live in this woild.if that of an att- 
 thor were to cease. For instance, there is carrying a 
 masket, or beating a drum by land, and furling the saili 
 
OF DEVILS. 279 
 
 by sea, either of which are honourable employments, when 
 compared with that of book-stealing. 
 
 As we know not to whom we can apply, with any de- 
 gree of success, but to yourselves, we must farther beg, 
 that you will not only detect the theft when you meet 
 with it, but do as the worthy inhabitants of St. Giles' do 
 on similar occasions. That is, pursue the delinquent 
 with a Stop thief! Stop thief! Indeed, gentlemen, it will 
 not lessen you in the public esteem, should you com- 
 mence even literary thief catchers. Should it please you 
 to comply with our request, we doubt not but the streets 
 which lead to places of public resort, will in a few years 
 be v.-ell lined with many authors, having assumed the mora 
 honourable employment of a beggar. 
 
 Thus the imposts would be taken off from the studious; 
 real authors would preserve their honour, no one daring 
 to invade their ri-jhts, for fear of ex^)osing themselves to 
 public infamy. Perhaps that most villanous of all prac- 
 tices may be put a stop to; we mean the vending of cloudy 
 commentaries on the Bible. Few people, we should 
 think, w^ould be fond of purchasing such books, after they 
 are informed that most of the materials are stolen. Ef- 
 fectually to put a stop to this iniquitous practice, we 
 would recommend the publication of the above named Sy- 
 nopsis in English, and then every reader may take what 
 human sense of the divine word he pleases. We are, gen- 
 tlemen, your mo»t humble servants, 
 
 A READING SOCIETY. 
 
 Fastosus. Indeed, cousin, I think the request of that 
 society reasonable enough, and ought to be granted: for, 
 as the world now goes, it is a difficult matter for a 
 man to know to whom he is obliged, for any profita- 
 ble hint he meets with in the course of his reading. 
 And flimsy as modern productions in general are, there 
 is now and then a profitable hint to be met with. But 
 when any thing of a recommendatory quality, happens to 
 emerge from the teeming press, the whole race of catch- 
 penny imitators swarm about it, and gobble it up, then 
 tpew it out, as if it were their own. However, cousin, 
 it must be owned, that there are some of your mercenary 
 scribblers, who are much more honourable than others; 
 and let the public know, that what they write is not tb« 
 
280 DIALOGUES 
 
 fruit of their' own genius, but is borrowed from this 
 or that respectable author, under pretence of making it 
 more public, on account of its great excellency. They 
 •desire not to rob the author of his honour: All thejdeem 
 necessary, is a loan of his genius to supply the defects 
 of their own, and to help them a little forward in the 
 world. 
 
 But of all writers, commend me to polemic divines. 0! 
 it would be a pleasure to the devil himself, to see with 
 what dexterity they put off their own anger, under the 
 name of zeal for God,* just as the industrious tradesmen 
 of Birmingham do their manufacture for the coin of the 
 nation. It is amazing to think, how protestant ministers 
 can lug the Almighty into both sides of their quarrel: and 
 how they would make the world believe that their cause 
 is the cause of heaven, and that they have got authority 
 to dispense the curses of the Most High. Nothing can 
 be more pleasing, than to see men of wisdom and religion, 
 vigorously contending for their own honour, and at the ' 
 same time, making the public believe they have nothing 
 in view but the Redeemer's glory. And I assure you, it 
 is not every divine even of great parts, who takes time 
 to distinguish between the glory of God and his own repu- 
 tation. 
 
 Next to this, I am delighted to see men of learning and 
 religion, bickering each other about subjects, which the 
 greatest of all the apostles would not presume to pry into. 
 But we have divines so expert, that they understand what 
 never was revealed; and so zealous that they will oblige 
 others to have the same degree of intelligence with them- 
 selves, under pain of their implacable displeasure; and 
 yet they are the true ministers of the meek and lov- 
 ing Saviour. But a very few are to be met with, who 
 have humility enough to submit to the simplicity of scrip- 
 ture. However, cousin, although I love to set forth 
 my own powerful influence, I would not willingly pre- 
 vent your proceeding with your story. Mean while, I 
 w^ant you to be more explicit, with regard to your com- 
 pany of letter venders. Do you mean by them printers 
 in general? 
 
 AvARo. No, gentlemen, I do not mean, neither all the 
 booksellers nor printers. Printing has been to mankind 
 one of the greatest of all temporal blessings; and will, 
 
OF DEVILS. 281 
 
 I much fear, be the total ruin of the kingdom of dark- 
 ness; as wherever the freedom of the press is suffered, 
 it carries reformation along with it. But, amongst 
 those concerned in literary aiTiirs, there. are many ril- 
 janous people who, when their trade runs low, take 
 up with printing corrupting novels, such as the Me- 
 moirs of a Woman of Pleasure: blasphemous plays, 
 such as Sammy Foote's Minor; schismatic harangues, 
 like the greater part of political essays: vain disputes 
 about thino;s of trivial import, &c. all such, and many 
 such there be, we rank with the false publishers, because 
 truth and falsehood are, with tliem, of equal value, and 
 their choice is fixed by what will serve a present turn. 
 The patriotic alderman is a leading man in this learn- 
 ed company. He has not learned so little by the gift of 
 second sigiil, which he has had from his cradle, as not to 
 know, that more than truth is indispensably necessary, 
 tn support some particular personal characters. Besides, 
 there a'-e others, who will sell both soul and body to 
 the father of lies, in defence of some particular state: 
 and others, to ruin some public character. The cele- 
 brated Mr. Maubert, of Brussels, is a great man in 
 this way. 
 
 Free of this company, are another set of men, im- 
 placable enemies to honest industry, who live altoge- 
 ther by their wit; appear in all shapes and characters, 
 and stick at nothing to get money. Although these peo- 
 ple have nothing but grimace to sell, (tlirough a folly, for- 
 merly almost peculiar to the metropolis, but now diffus- 
 ing itself every where,) they have, for six months in the 
 year, a very plentiful market; and many, who would suf- 
 fer the miserable to perish unrelieved at their gates, will 
 liberally contribute to support the luxury end libertin- 
 ism of the players. In the days of yore, the devil Prote- 
 us was, but now David Garrick, Esqr. is tht-ir foreman; 
 a fast friend to our government, and a faithful disciple of 
 Mreful Avaro. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. I think you must be mistaken now, cou- 
 sin; for the end of all theatrical entertainments, which I 
 perceive you have in view, is the exposing of vice and re- 
 formation of manners: Consequently, their desi|n was ori- 
 ginally religious. 
 
 AvAEo. 1 allow, that in the darkness of paganism, 
 £4 * 
 
282 DIALOGUES 
 
 the ancients had a religious design, in exhibitions of 
 the stage: but what of that? They had likewise a re- 
 ligious design, in passing their children through the 
 fire to the devil Moloch. I allow, farther, that in the 
 days of monkish ignorance, those blinking priests made 
 use of the stage to convey their instructions; but then 
 it ought to be observed, that the same fathers were 
 equally pious and devout, in persecuting the best of 
 men. So then, cousin, the one is as much authorised 
 by ancient practice as the other. Indeed, when you 
 consider that the stage is peopled by extravagant, spend- 
 thrift gentlemen, broken tradesmen and lazy mechan- 
 ics, who always were avowed enemies to moral integ- 
 rity, they will appear to be a very unpromising race 
 of reformers. 
 
 Should you follow them from the stage to their lodg- 
 ings, and trace their steps through the lanes of private 
 life, you would soon be convinced, that Sir John Fiel- 
 ding's runners bid much more fair than they, for re- 
 forming the manners of the people. And you know, the 
 said runners have never as yet been considered as the 
 most respectable characters. Surely, it must be thought 
 requisite in those who set up for reformers of others, 
 that, in some tolerable degree, they should moralize them- 
 selves. 
 
 DiscoRDANs. I know it, cousin; and I thwarted you 
 on purpose, to see how you could justify your claim up- 
 on the gentry of the stage; and must confess you have 
 done it to my satisfaction. I am highly pleased with the 
 entertainments of the theatre myself, and am greatly de- 
 lighted to see gentlemen and ladies crowd to them. Gen- 
 try, who would worship God in neither church nor meet- 
 ing-house, can be devout enough to attend the theatres, in 
 Covent Garden, and the Hay Market. It is truly pleasing 
 to see gentlemen and ladies, who cannot possibly find 
 money to pay otf their tradesmen's bills, find plenty of 
 cash to purchase playhouse tickets. 
 
 Infidelis. As we came along, Cousin Discordans, yoci 
 mentioned some sport you lately had with two female ~ 
 companions: Pray, what of them? 
 
 DisooRDAKS. You must know, Leonora and Matilda 
 have been intimate from their infancy; and, as such, con- 
 tinued their friendship even to mature life; But whea 
 
OF DEVILS. 28S 
 
 both became wives and mothers, I taught them to behaye 
 more inconsistently than thej did when they were chil- 
 dren. Matilda, being quite fatigued with domestic con- 
 cerns, attention to which her mind is not very happily 
 turned, resolved one day to spend an afternoon with her 
 friend Leonora. When she went, she fuund her exceed- 
 ingly depressed and hysterical, by no means in a talkative 
 humour; a circumstance which frequently happens to the 
 ladies of middle rank, ever since luxury and idleness be- 
 came so prevalent amongst them. 
 
 Matilda, not being sufficiently skilled in physiogno- 
 my, to read the sentiments of the heart by the posi- 
 tion of the features of the countenance, was led into 
 a mistake, which proved fatal to their friendship. She 
 discovered, or thought she discovered, an unusual and 
 unexpected shyness run through every part of Leonora's 
 conduct; which discovery proved no slight mortificatioQ 
 to her own sensibility. Said she to herself, " Well, Le- 
 onora, I perceive, notwithstanding all your formal civil- 
 ity, that my company is not the object of your present 
 desire. I wish I had been aware of it in time 1 Then^ 
 I assure you, my presence should not have drawn a 
 cloud over that settled countenance of yours. But, in- 
 deed, madam, let my company be ever so disagreeable to 
 you, yours, I assure you, is now very little more pleasant 
 to me.*' 
 
 Whilst she was meditating some plausible pretext 
 for withdrawing, the tea was unhappily brought in, 
 which precluded her removal for a little while longer. 
 Thus constrained by decency to stay, her glowing re- 
 sentment of the supposed slight, forbid her to taste 
 a morsel of the toast, or to drink above two dishes of 
 tea. Having finished, she pretended she must retire 
 on some urgent business, which had just occurred to 
 her mind; (for ladies will lie to serve a turn) and after 
 a dry compliment or two she went off, resolved never 
 to return. 
 
 As she went along the streets, her wounded heart boil- 
 ed with a thousand cogitations, how or when she had of- 
 fended Leonora. '* What have I done, or said, that should 
 have given her umbrage? I know of nothing: And there- 
 fore I care not for her anger. If people will be so odd 
 
284 DIALOGUES 
 
 in their teiTiper, they must even come to themselres at 
 their leisure. And so your servant, Leonora.*' 
 
 Lnfidelis. That was a visit more innocent than many 
 I have known, for I hear nothing of slander, or defama- 
 tion of absent characters, carried on in it, which very rare- 
 ly happens to be neglected in female visits. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. True, sir, but the matter did not end 
 here. Poor Matilda, being unable to bear the conceived 
 wliglit. made free to call on Letitia, on her way home, that 
 ihe nii^ht give a little vent to her turbulent passions. Le- 
 titia. being as destitute of innate ideas, as she is of fidelity, 
 readily listened to the plaintive accounts, how Matilda 
 had b'c*en served: without hesitation approved her depar- 
 ture, kindly fanned the flame of resentment, and at last 
 advised her to let Leonora come to herself when she should 
 find it convenient. 
 
 Matilda had not been long gone, before Letitia, who 
 burned with impatience to have a little tittle-tattle, went 
 to Leonora, and set mischief abroach with her also. She 
 told her all the former had said of her, and happily gare 
 it such a turi. as to render it very offensive, notwithstand- 
 ing she kept strictly to the letter of truth. Some "people 
 are remarkably happy in talents of this kind: By their 
 manner of representation, they can turn things quite frora 
 their natural appearance, as I may perhaps show you in 
 •ome future conference. Leonora could not but think 
 herself very ill used, and resolved, weakly as she was, 
 that she should be a slave to nobody's temper. 
 
 V/hen Matilda and Leonora met next time, being pre- 
 possessed with mutual disgust, their compliments v/ere 
 dry and starched^ and each secretly blamed the indiffer- 
 ence of the other. By this time, I furnished each of 
 them with a telescope, by which they might thoroughly 
 examine each other's conduct, and so reciprocally strict 
 is their mutual watch, that nothing can escape them. 
 Thus, from the smallest beginning, founded too in mis- 
 understanding, I raised perpetual disgust and enmi- 
 ty. Absurd and ridiculous as this is, I could point you 
 out a thousand differences, sprung from incidents equal- 
 ly frivolous and unimportant. Indeed, if Freedom and 
 Bubmission keep at a distance, I can blow up a flame of 
 contention the most violent, from the smallest mattert 
 imaginable. And I thank vaj itars, Messrs. Freedom 
 
OF DEVILS. 285 
 
 and Submission are in no great esteem with mankind. 
 But, wherever they come, they destroy my seeds, and ef- 
 fectually extinguish my flames, for they are irresistible 
 peace-makers. 
 
 Fastosus. It is I, my son, who have brought those 
 gentlemen into disrepute. I persuade people, it is be- 
 neath them to submit to their equals, how much soever 
 they have been in the wrong. I have, ere now, persua- 
 ded one man to do all he could, to ruin the reputation 
 of his neighbour, in order to establish his own, when 
 he found it in a tottering condition; and that too amongst 
 those who take themselves to be more righteous than 
 others. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. I have great pleasure, sometimes, in mak- 
 ing parents become the instruments of their children's 
 ruin. Or, as some people say, to kill them with kind- 
 ness. I make it my business to prejudice almost every 
 parent so far in favour of his children, that every one con- 
 siders his own, as the most witty and active; or, to use 
 the words of a good woman, concerning her son of two 
 years old, the most manly of any child in the neighbour- 
 hood; even as the crow conceives her own to be fairer 
 than all the children of the feathered people. 
 
 I shall trouble you with but one instance, out of the 
 niillions I might produce. Little master Jacky, was one 
 of those extraordinary children, whose almost every ac- 
 tion was out of the common way, the wonder and admi- 
 ration of his astonished parents. Jacky must not be chid, 
 when he pinched, bit or scratched his nurse, but must 
 have his own pretty little humour; it was even pleasing 
 to see his lovely fist darted into his parents' faces. So, 
 you may be sure, the child must not be suffered to cry 
 upon any account, but must always be indulged in 
 whatever he wanted. Thus this extraordinary child, in 
 whom however, none besides his parents could see any 
 thing out of the common way, notwithstanding every vi- 
 sitor was plagued with the history of his wonderfuls 
 feats, upon which his parents dwelt with raptures — I 
 say, Jacky found himself master of the whole family; 
 he acted accordingly, and took his own way in every par- 
 ticular. 
 
 By these means his tempers gained strength, so that 
 
286 DIALOGUES 
 
 they became habitual, not to be broken by ordinary 
 means. 
 
 When he got a few more years over his head, still 
 growing in his humour, the poor parents began to see 
 and lament the errors of their former conduct. Too 
 late, master Jacky being now in breeches and grown a 
 great boy, will not readily give back that dominion they 
 were pleased to put into his hands, when but in petti- 
 coats. He thinks it very hard he should not choose for 
 himself now he is ten, as w ell as when he was but three 
 years old; rightly judging, that he was not more wise then 
 than he is now; and if they thought him fit to be all their 
 masters then, he is sure that by this time he is much more 
 fit to govern. 
 
 Apprehensive now of the ruin of his son, the father ex- 
 hibits exhortations, injunctions, reproofs, and threaten^ 
 ings, with great severity. In vain, for not being bended 
 whilst tender and malleable, master's tempers are not 
 now to be turned out of their native channel. As, in for- 
 mer times, I plied the parents, in prejudice of their dar- 
 ling, it was now time to ply him also in his turn. I fur- 
 nished him a pair of glasses, and directed him in the use 
 of them; and now the youth began to reason upon his fa- 
 ther's conduct. 
 
 *' What a change is this come to my father? Once 
 he was something like good natured, but now he is the 
 most self-willed and rigorous man in the world. Sure- 
 ly no reasonable person would impose such laws upon 
 hii children, as he does on me; laws, such as nobody 
 of any spirit would submit to. I was formerlv his pret- 
 ty lad, his good boy, and every thing I did was right. 
 Times are strangely changed; for now I can do no- 
 thing to please him. I couid have had what I would, 
 and gone where 1 pleased: but now, I am perplexed 
 •with warm exhortations, which I hear unreasonably fre- 
 quent; and can go no where without his leave, as if I 
 had not more sense now than when I was little. His 
 reproofs are too harsh; I hear of nothing but my stub- 
 bornness and wickedness; of his and my mother's sor- 
 row; and of breaking their hearts, on my account. I 
 should break none of their hearts, I assure them, if they 
 would let me alone. 
 
 **• Cannot my father and mother grieve for themselves, 
 
OF DEVILS. 287 
 
 and not teaze me about their trouble? I am no worse 
 than mj neighbours; though, by their account, 1 might 
 be the wickedest wretch that ever lived. It is not 
 enough that I must go to church on holidays, but we 
 must have lectures on divinity at home; and for me, I 
 am roundly told, that if I go on as I do, I must cer- 
 tainly perish. Yes, I must even be damned and go to 
 hell. Old people are surely very conceited: 1 will war- 
 rant me they think they are so very good, they are sure 
 to go to heaven. It is a brave thing to have a good 
 opinion of one's self, which surely must be their case, 
 or they would never plague me thus with their repeat- 
 ed lectures. Well, for my own part, I am not so vain, 
 and yet I think 1 am in no greater danger than they 
 are. When they were young, I dare say, they loved 
 pleasure as well as me; but now they get old and can- 
 not relish it themselves, they would absurdly restrain 
 me from it. Reasonable parents ought nut to form 
 their commands upon what they now are, but what they 
 were when of my age. But I am determined to sub- 
 mit to no such government. I will even take my plea- 
 sure whilst I can have it and let them grieve on if they 
 choose." 
 
 Thus, gentlemen, I persuade many to lay up future af- 
 flictions for themselves, in the early ruin of their children, 
 by over indulgence. I say early ruin; for, if little master 
 is not taught to submit to ,8;overnment whil>t in petticoats, 
 it is much if he ever learns submission after he is in 
 breeches. He who always had his own way when but an 
 infant, will take it very ill to be restrained when he rises 
 towards manhood.* Yet, some, yea many p?irents, will 
 let their children do as they please, v/hilsc but little, and 
 increase in their strictness as they advance in years, so 
 that they become mutual atllictions to each other. In 
 manhood you know children should be used by their pa- 
 rents as friends and confidants, instead of being kept at an 
 av^ful distance. Yet those very p.^.rents, who have laid 
 the foundation of their son's ruin, by early indulgence in 
 his infancy, very oft-a complete it by unseasonable strict- 
 ness over him, when he is verging towards man's estate. 
 You know parents should always act, so as that their coaa- 
 
 • Vide Locke on Education. 
 
288 DIALOGUES 
 
 pany shall never be burdensome to their children. But I 
 shall become a moralist if I go on thus. 
 
 Lmpiator. Many such youths as master Jacky fall into 
 my hands. If once they can, by any means, be brought 
 to despise reproof, I reckon myself quite sure of them; 
 and when they come, 1 commonly employ them in my 
 deepest mines. 
 
 Infidelis. It is always a hopeful sign, when the heart 
 is hardened against reproof. If a young one can be 
 brought to despise the commands, reproofs and advice of 
 his parents, he bids fair for being one of the devil's com- 
 panions for ever,* and, indeed, nothing but tha grace of 
 God can prevent it. It is very agreeable to us to see how 
 happily successful our influences are over mankind, espe- 
 cially in Britain. There, many parents bring up their 
 children, just as if they designed them purposely for the 
 devil. I have great hopes of the next generation, gentle- 
 men. 
 
 DiscoRDAxs. I make myself very merry with the ladies, 
 in another way, which also turns eventually to everlasting 
 separation. I join a little knot of them together so close- 
 ly for a time, that they cannot be separated, nor bear to 
 be asunder for a day together. I prejudice them so 
 strongly for a while in each other's favour, that they show 
 a manifest slight to those who are not happy enough to be 
 admitted into their society. Family necessity, and every 
 domestic duty, must give place to their iirm attachment to 
 one another. When they get together for a little chit-chat, 
 they are as happy as the birds in May; not only examine 
 every absent character, within the circle of their acquain- 
 tance, and report to each other all the evil they know of 
 their own sex; but each dv/ells severally upon the excel- 
 lencies or failings of her husband; who is, at one time, 
 the best of men, at another time the worst, just as her la- 
 dyship happens to be in a good or bad humour with him. 
 Thus they go on, until every one is fully acquainted with 
 the family ailairs of the rest, and thus they bring them- 
 selves into the power of one another. This is the zenith 
 of that happiness to which I aim to bring them; for even 
 the devil will give present happiness, in order to introduce 
 future pain and sorrovr: And (assure you I am too much 
 akin to my worthy grandfather, to suffer that felicity to go 
 lont; uninterrupted. 
 
OF DEVILS. 289 
 
 First, I sow a spirit of jealousy amongst them — says 
 Chloe, " Delia seems more attached to Phillis than to my- 
 self or Lucia; Portia is never happy but when her and 
 Arabella are together." And so, round the whole club, 
 the spirit of jealousy happily operates, and gathers strength 
 by every day's duration. 
 
 It is not to be thought that a whole society, who can 
 cordially join in picking holes, according to the old 
 proverb, in their neighbour's clothes, can long refrain 
 from doing as much for one another. Nov/ they begin 
 to moet, two and two, according to their various at- 
 tachments, and those two who happen to meet toge- 
 ther, regale themselves with a very pleasant conversa- 
 tion about the faults and weaknesses of those who are 
 absent, and thus, round the whole society, they serve 
 one another. By and by it is whispered what Chloe said 
 at such a place about Phillis; what Lucia said of Ara- 
 bella, &c. until I blow them all up in a pleasing flame of 
 resentment, and every one says the worst she knows of 
 her neighbour, which commonly is a great deal. Out 
 come personal faults along with family affairs, and an 
 hundred etceteras; and those very ladies sit down, just 
 as the devil would have them, in implacable hatred to 
 each other. 
 
 Infidelis. I pray, what do you smile at, Avaro? 
 
 AvARO. I was thinking on an encounter 1 had with the 
 devil Lunatio, whom I accidentally met last night, with 
 his hair standing upright, and his eyes flaming with mad- 
 ness. 
 
 Fastosus. And pray vvhere had that mad-brained devil 
 been? What account could he give of himself? 
 
 AvARo. He was quite snappish with me, and run on 
 in his discourse, as if he had been very angry. There, 
 said he, is my father Infidelis, there is my uncle Fasto- 
 gus, they reign uncontrolled over the greatest part of 
 mankind; they are caressed, even adored, by the most 
 respectable characters in both church and state. You 
 yourself, groveling as you are, reign an absolute monarch 
 m the will and affections of many eminent personages; 
 but I am hackneyed by the basest, and when I have 
 done, am denied the honour of my labours, and people 
 are taught to believe that I reign only over the bed- 
 lams, and other mad-houses of the world. Whereas 
 25 
 
290 DIALOGUES 
 
 T could make it appear to all the Infernal divan, that 
 there are people who go about at large, and are deem- 
 ed in their perfect senses, more mad than any in bed- 
 lam. 
 
 Well then, said I, brother fiend, stop and give me a 
 sober account of your proceedings, and I assure you I 
 shall give you all due acknowledgment. 
 
 LuNATio. I have, replied he abruptly, a great deal of 
 business among statesmen, to drive people to their le- 
 vees, which they dearly love to have crowded, and 
 which never could be without my assistance; for who 
 would attend the levee of my lord Superbo, or of his 
 grace the duke of Parkland, unless he first turned fool? 
 Would any man feed on the promise of a courtier, if 
 he were not mad.^ The dinner of the cameleon is as 
 weighty as the promise of the greatest statesman, were 
 it even confirmed by a smile of the countenance and a 
 grasp of the hand; for it all means no more than " I am 
 glad to see you thicken my levee." There is never a 
 levee day but I am obliged to bestir myself to drive the 
 fools together. 
 
 If the premier, or the head man of any department, 
 finds himself on the decline, and that he shall, without 
 some good assistance, be obliged to resign; that is, be 
 turned out of his place; I am beseeched to procure some 
 verbose, intrepid scribbler, to cry up his abilities and 
 proceedings, as much superior to those of all his pre- 
 decessors, for time immemorial. But a man must first 
 be reduced to a state of lunacy, before he will venture 
 on a work so difficult, and which is likely to be but very 
 ill rewarded, in the first place, he is likely to have 
 truth and fact to overturn, before the end can be ob- 
 tained; and these, you know, are stubborn and obstinate. ' 
 In the second place, if he is happy enough to succeed, 
 and sets down his patron firmly in his chair again; he is 
 soon made to understand that his service has done him 
 little or no good; he is thanked for his good intention; 
 but is given to know, that things would have been just 
 as they are if no defence at all had been made. If 
 his patron is turned out, the scribbler is blamed for 
 having omitted something which might have been of ser- 
 vice, instead of being rewarded for what he has done. 
 — So that, at all events, he must come oft' loser; and 
 
OF DEVILS. 291 
 
 therefore none but a iTiadman will venture on the under- 
 taking. ^ 
 
 The lawyers also would, but for mv influences, be ob- 
 liged to drive teams or follow ploughs^ for who but mad- 
 men would ever find them emplovment? But in conse- 
 quence of their firm attachment to our government, I 
 persuade some to expose themselves, by slowness of pay- 
 ment of their just debts, to the fangs of the lawyers; 
 others, to quarrel about trifles, and refer the matters to 
 them for decision. Sometimes I advise a father to leave 
 his daughter under the guardianship of an attorney, or 
 an uncle to leave his estate to a minor nephew, under 
 ihe care and inspection of a counsellor; either of which 
 is likely to be a lucrative job to the gentlemen of the 
 law. You know very well, continued he, that none but 
 madmen will ever refer their differences to the deci- 
 sion of those gentlemen, whilst there are three honest 
 men to be met with in the nation; nor will any man 
 in his right mind ever leave an attornev executor to his 
 will. 
 
 There are abundance of people who live above their 
 revenues, and others still who have abundance, but dare 
 not make use of it, scarcely allowing themselves the 
 common necessaries of life, for fear of future poverty. 
 — I have known a lady of sixty, possessed of two or 
 three thousand pounds per annum, actually afraid of 
 dying for want. Those gentry are all under my do- 
 minion. Besides, a very great share of my influence 
 rests on many others, who are grievously oppressed 
 with troubles that never happen. Some are so remark- 
 ably ingenious as to apprehend difficulties for them- 
 selves and offspring for a great many years to come, 
 Us if the evil of the day were not sufficient of itself. 
 
 Stop, Lunatio, said I, there you touch me sensibly. 
 I will not thus give up my careful subjects. True, re- 
 plied he, but you and I may play into one another's 
 hands. And, although I allow them to be yours, it is 
 easy to see abundance of madness in their disposition 
 and conduct. What wisdom, I pray you, is there in any 
 man's burdening himself to-day with what may or may 
 not happen a twelve month hence. ^ Less still, in pre- 
 tending to foresee what may happen in future, seeing all 
 
292 DIALOGUES ' 
 
 future events are locked up in the council of the eternal- 
 mind. 
 
 There are people of property, v/ho sink their rents, 
 fall their timber, mortgage their estates, in giving grand 
 entertainments to hungry visitants and hangers-on, after 
 the example of Timon of Atliens, in order to be thought 
 generous and great: not once considering that the nearest 
 way to esteem is still to preserve the golden cord in the 
 hands of the owner. Let all be once spent, the insatiable 
 hnr;:cr5-on, who crowd the plenteous table, will drop oft' 
 like leaves in autumn; and if the wretch retains the lov- 
 ing regard of Argus, his dog, he must expect no more. 
 Away with the fool to Bedlam! He ought to go no longer 
 without shackles. 
 
 Parents there are, so doatingly fond of their children, 
 that they strip themselves of their possessions, in order 
 to make them respectable in the world, long enough be- 
 fore their own lives are at a period, leaving their future 
 support to the good nature and mercy of the dear boy or 
 girl, who, it is thought, are so well disposed, as to be in- 
 capable of ingratitude to those who gave them being. But 
 let the dear boy or girl once get the parent's estate into 
 their power, and they will give tiiem occasion enough to 
 lament their folly, when every shilling received shall 
 come with a very intelligible frown; the language of 
 which, to the parent, is, "" I wish you were once in your 
 grave." Such parents ought to be provided for at the 
 public expense, and kept in some place of confinement, 
 like other lunatics. 
 
 Other parents, to avoid falling into error, which thej 
 foresee may be productive of great personal inconveni- 
 ence, with an equal degree of madness, flee into the op- 
 posite extreme. They can find in their hearts to part 
 with nothing whilst they live: they will find some plausi- 
 ble pretext or other, for which they will retain the sole 
 possession of their goods and chattels: rather than give a 
 suitable measure of parental assistance, will sufier the 
 young people to begin the world under all possible disad- 
 vantages. Send such parents to Newgate, I say; for they 
 are worse than mad! 
 
 You do me injustice again, Avaro, in claiming the 
 sole power to yourself over parents who will oppress 
 
OF DEVILS. 293 
 
 their servants, overreach their neighbours, grind the 
 faces of the poor, and sell their souls to the devil, in 
 order to procure fortunes for their children. This is 
 80 far from answering the end proposed, in gaining the 
 love and esteem of the young people, that it has quite 
 a contrary tendency. The greater the estate, the more 
 impatient will the heir apparent be to be put into quiet 
 possession for himself. The more there is depending 
 upon the death of a parent, the more eager will children 
 be to have him out of the way. So eager have some been, 
 that they have been obliged "to use violence, in order to 
 get the cumbersome old man out of the world. Deliver 
 them up to me, Avaro, for they are all the children of 
 madness. And yet Lunatio is deemed a foolish devil, 
 and a son of idleness. 
 
 You are very prone to ascribe to chance or accident, 
 and other such chimerical gentry, works, the honour" of 
 which is due only to myself. Aye, you are apt to con- 
 clude that there is even madness in religion. Pride and 
 covetousness may prevail ever so, but you never think of 
 madness. What less than madness is it to worship a 
 wooden Saviour, or a Jesus Christ of man's making? To 
 adore a god that has been baked in an oven: or to pre- 
 tend to eat the Deity .^ I could open such a field before 
 you, as would make you wonder at the boundings of re- 
 ligious madness. 
 
 Go with me to the chambers of the sick, and see the 
 works of madness there performed. That lady having 
 over eaten herself at dinner, finding her stomach un- 
 easy, took a glass of brandy, to help digestion; after 
 that another, &c. until she is now very ill upon it. 
 The physician is sent for, and, after feeling her pulse, 
 asks her a pertinent question or two, as, do you feel an 
 uneasiness at your stomach, madam? Does your head 
 ache, madam? Have you a thirst upon you, madam? ^ 
 You were taken ill after dinner, were you, madam? ' 
 He prescribes a gentle purgative draught or two, to as- 
 sist nature to throw off her load, after having thus 
 learned the cause of her disorder. Now there is an in- 
 itance of a threefold madness for you. In the first 
 place, although the food was rich and delicious, it was 
 madness to eat after nature said it was enough. Se- 
 condly, it was madness to pour such a quantity of strong 
 25* 
 
294 DIALOGUES 
 
 liquor into a stomach already glutted. And, thirdly, it 
 was madness to send for a physician, seeing she would 
 be well enough by to-morrow noon, by which time na- 
 ture, unassisted, might have struggled from beneath its 
 burthen. Shall I never have due honour paid to my 
 operations? 
 
 This other woman before you is indeed in a dangerous 
 fever; but she will have no assistance. It is only a 
 deep cold she has caught, and she hopes to get better 
 in a day or two, with care and keeping warm. By and 
 by, when the symptoms of death are actually upon her, 
 the physician must be sent for in all haste. And when 
 the fever alone is more than nature can sustain, she 
 must have the additional torment of swallowing medi- 
 cines, even without a possibility of their being of the 
 least service. Is there no madness in this case? Is it 
 not madness to trifle with a disease in its beginning, the 
 only time, perhaps, in which medicine can afford re- 
 lief? Is it not equally madness to torment the sick, 
 and throw money away upon the doctor, when the dis- 
 ease is evidently beyond a remedy? And yet you would 
 exclude me from having any share in the government of 
 mankind. 
 
 No, Lunatio, returned I, we do not exclude you. We 
 should even be glad to have a full account of your opera- 
 tions in some of our friendly meetings. 
 
 Lunatio. I could give you such an account as would 
 surprise you all, might the honours due to my operations 
 be properly acknowledged. But I cannot stay now, hav- 
 ing urgent business in the west end of a certain metro- 
 polis. 
 
 Pray, cousin., may a brother fiend be acquainted with 
 it? said I. He replied, you know, that almost the one 
 half of the nation is in a starving condition, and are, as 
 it were, on the tip-toe of rebellion, yet in a very great 
 strait how to act. They think it hard to famish amidst 
 plenty; to die of hunger whilst the barns are full of corn, 
 and the pastures are well peopled with cattle; whilst their 
 governors can afford to spend thousands at a horse race, 
 or in an evening's play. On the other hand, they think 
 it hard to be shot at, by those who are murderers by pro- 
 fession; or to be hung at Tyburn for seeking to procure 
 bread for their families. 
 
OF DEVILS. 295 
 
 In this dilemma, the poor wretches are raising their 
 voices to government, beseeching their lawgivers to spare 
 so much time from their own pleasure and amusement as 
 to take their wretched case into serious consideration, 
 that they may not die by artificial famine. AVhat I aim 
 at is, to persuade those in power to treat their complaints 
 with neglect, and themselves as clamorous, uneasy, and 
 turbulent people. Instead of redressing their grievances, 
 to threaten them with the strict execution of the laws a- 
 gainst rioters. If I am happy enough to gain this point, 
 as I think I shall, we shall soon see the spirit of madness 
 raving all over the nation, and even the wise will become 
 fools. 
 
 Oppression, you know, will make even a wise man 
 mad. Therefore, when their oppressions can no longer 
 be borne, there will go forth a spirit of insurrection a- 
 mong the people; and that shall be followed by a spirit 
 of murder, until all the riots are sufficiently quelled, 
 and the leading insurgents punished by death or trans- 
 portation. Then will follow a spirit of emigration, and 
 every one, almost, will wish himself to have been 
 transported at the expense of government. At this 
 very time, there are not less than five hundred thousand 
 families who are kept in their native country by no- 
 thing but the want of means to get cleverly out of it. 
 Neighbouring nations will give all possible encourage- 
 ment to the poor to settle with them; every opportun- 
 ity will be taken to cross the Atlantic, until the na- 
 tion referred to shall become almost, if not quite, de- 
 populated. 
 
 Now, the madness of the scheme lies here. The 
 true riches of a nation are its inhabitants; and the 
 grandeur of the great depends wholly on the number of 
 those in inferior stations. In proportion, therefore, 
 to the oppressions of the poor, will the nation decrease 
 in its strength. Every emigration from the mother 
 country will either increase the number of colonists, 
 or strengthen the hands of natural enemies; of course, 
 the neglect of the present complaints will eventually 
 be the entire ruin of the great men themselves, and the 
 translation of the empire to another, and very distant 
 seat. Yet, after all, perhaps, it will be alleged that 
 Lunatio hath no influence. But I shall raise myself an 
 
«96 DIALOGUES 
 
 immortal name upon my own foundation. I deign no 
 more converse with a groveling spirit. Adieu. 
 
 Infidelis. This same Lunatio is a spirit active enough, 
 and we give him due respect; but he is, like all his disci- 
 ples, fixed in his own views, and there is no giving him 
 proper ideas of things. I should be glad, Fastosus, to 
 hear more fully what you were saying last night concern- 
 ing the Sadducees. It might be informing to these 
 younger devils. 
 
 Fastosus. You know, sir, they were a set of deists 
 among the Jews, who, like the modern deists, did not 
 believe that there are any angels, good or bad, or shall 
 be any resurrection from the dead. I did not only per- 
 suade the scribes, pharisees, and doctors of the law, to 
 lay aside judgment, mercy, and the love of God, in order 
 to establish their own traditions, but wrought upon the 
 eadducees to prefer their own reasoning to the plainest 
 declarations of the word of revelation. I assured them 
 that the well informed author of the book of Job was 
 under a delusion when he said, by the Holy Ghost, ^' I 
 know that my Redeemer liveth, and that I shall stand 
 with him at the latter day upon the earth; and although, 
 after my skin, worms destroy this body, yet in the flesh 
 I shall see God." I persuaded them also, that the pro- 
 phet Isaiah was under the like mistake when he fore- 
 told that death shall be swallowed up in victory; as also 
 Daniel, who asserted, " that many, who then slept in 
 the dust, shall awake, some to everlasting life, and some 
 to everlasting dishonour." These, together with the 
 testimonies of all the prophets, I persuaded them to re- 
 'ject, merely because they could not comprehend them, 
 nor account for it how the dead should rise. This, you 
 know, is the very reason why modern deists are pleased, 
 under the same influence, to deny the whole system of 
 revealed truth. 
 
 DiscoRDANS. I have often feasted my mind on the pleas- 
 ing prospect of that amazement and surprise which shall 
 overtake those infidels, when the avenues of immortality 
 Bhall open before them, and the terrors of an incarnate, a 
 despised God and Saviour, shall overwhelm them in the 
 floods of horrid despair. Their pretended virtue, their 
 philosophic fortitude, their boasted reason, will fail them, 
 when they Bee, to their everlasting confusion, that htt 
 
OF DEVILS. 29r 
 
 Vi\\o despiseth the Soh, despiseth also the Father who 
 sent him. 
 
 Fastosu3. The deist is mj faithful, deluded disciple. 
 AVherever you meet with a man of deistical principles, 
 you will easily discern my image at large on his forehead, 
 and my mark on his right hand. Nothing but pride can 
 induce a man to prefer his own reason to the dictates of 
 •acred revelation. 
 
 Fastosus here stopped, and, in terrible agitation, thus 
 addressed his brethren: Let us flee, my friends! Let us 
 flee I For yonder comes Michael, the archangel, and with 
 him a numerous train, with whom we are not able to con- 
 tend. They instantly took wing, shot through the yield- 
 ing air, and I saw^ them no more. Nor am 1 certain if I 
 shall ever have an opportunity of listening to their friend- 
 ly conferences again; but if 1 should, as is not impos- 
 feible, the public may expect to hear what passes among 
 them, so far as may come to the know^ledge of a sincere 
 friend to mankind. 
 
 THE LISTENER. 
 
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